Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 282 9/28/25

Episode Date: September 28, 2025

Jimmy Kimmel came back, Sean Combs is trying to come back, and details about the conjoined twins having sex. ⁠Visit RocketRX now and use code PAPERS30 for 30% off your first order -⁠⁠⁠⁠ https://rebrand.ly/30a009⁠⁠ Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

read all about it read all about it read all about it Jimmy Kimmel is back for how long we don't know but that's the news today That's the first time I watched Kimmel in a long... You know, I was with Kimmel and had a long conversation with him last Sunday. Really? Yeah, after the Emmys at Nate Bargotsie's Party, which was also like a UTA anyway. It was at Chateau Marmont. And a lot of the comedy folk who were at the Emmys came to that.

And yeah, and I hadn't seen Jimmy in a while, and he's the nicest guy in the world, as you know. he is the nicest guy in the world yeah and who knew what was ahead of them uh that was crazy yeah it was um check check it was one of those things where you really would have hoped that uh everybody on the right could take a giant step back and say this is clearly a first amendment violation because it's something that and i think we talked about it did we talk about it last Sunday? I'm not sure. A lot of people on the right have stepped back and been like, whoa, whoa, and have separated, which is what I said last week, have separated what Kimmel said from the First Amendment issue. Yes. Ted Cruz, to his credit, spoke out. No, a lot of Republicans

did, but I feel like there was some people that didn't, I'm not going to name names, but there's certain people that should have stepped up that did not. I think Stern did. That's like Jimmy's best friend in the world. And I think he got good counsel from him. I bet they were on the phone a lot this week. I think Rogan did. Yep. Rogan stepped up. Rogan is definitely taking a couple steps back from endorsing Trump for president right now. He's very upset about them grabbing undocumented workers in such a violent way. Oh, yeah, and moms separating them from their families. Yeah, so, you know, but it's one of those things where we'll get into it later.

I do have some viewer mail from last week of people that have a different point of view than maybe we hold, and a lot of it's valid. So we'll go through that. I mean, some of it deals with, you know, how much the, it just keeps changing sides. It used to always be that liberals were the free speech advocates. They were the ones that said the KKK has a right to march through your town. You know, you may not like it, but, you know, you have to allow it. And then it became the Democrats, starting with political correctness,

clamping down on words and what you can say. And then ultimately, what I felt was a huge mistake was telling people, they kicking people off Twitter because Twitter to me has become, it's the town square, you know, it's it's it's part of the public discourse and to control that in a way it's almost like a broadcasting network and it should have the same parameters so I thought that was a mistake by the Dems and then the Republicans have now become the party of censorship um you know I just went on so I went on X last night which I don't do at Xlax you want an Xlax you want an Xlax

to see ecstasy, and to see if I could get Kimmel footage and reaction as it was happening on East Coast time, right? And then I found this one of the first things up there, and I thought he had anything. So, of course, I made the mistake of engaging with someone. But anyway, I go, obviously you haven't seen the Kimmel quote. He never celebrated Kirk In fact, he did the opposite, and I just kept it brief. And I go, he also technically did not say that the kid was MAGA, right? So, and he, yeah, he's like he celebrated it and all that stuff. Anyway, we had a meeting and, hold on, let me find, oh, it's so hard to read X.

So I then go, still waiting to see where Kimball celebrated. Didn't call Kid Maga either, but everyone blindly. said so. I know you're frustrated and feel your faith has been maligned because he responded to me and said that, that Kimmel is always attacking his faith. Yeah. And so I go, and you feel that your faith has been maligned. But words are important. Jimmy's and Charlie's. I am Catholic. I just decided to throw that in there. Technically, it might be right. To me, Kirk is far from many Catholic values. And anyway, this guy, who's a real hater, by the way, goes, I respect that.

Mom was Catholic, dad was Jewish. I'm basically anti-sectarian denominational Christian. Charlie and I agree deeply. I will delete my posts pending further research as I've been fooled by AI before and some of what I saw may be fake. How about that? Well, I mean, I really find that when you I'm out. I'm out of X. I'll never do better than that. Right. Right. Now, when I get into stuff with people, I had an exchange with the guy who said that the Democrats are the ones that are, the leftists are doing the

killing. There's quite a streak of lefties killing people. Not saying right, he's don't, but I don't know when the last time a right-wing killer was. And I just, wrote down a list, you know, from the, look, they were going to kidnap Gretchen White. How about January 6th? How about the Buffalo supermarket shooting by white supremacists? Oh, no, no, come on. And, you know, listen, I think. How about Colorado Springs where they shot, they killed five people wounded 19? How about so many conspiracies were broke up? I think, maybe I'm wrong, okay, I believe, and I did read one, certainly some studies view it this way.

They also attribute any, which is, which could be fair, they attribute any terrorist activity in the name of Islam as radical left. So I think that's interesting to point out, and I want to be very careful with my words, I thought the conversation was about white American whack jobs on the left and on the right. That's what I thought the conversation was about. Well, white is the key word there because a lot of the terrorism from the right is from white national groups. And also there was a study that was done, an extensive study on how much. violence was coming from the left or the right. And it was deeply tilted towards the right. And Trump took it down last week. It came off the federal website last week. You know, and I'm going to write that guy back now. I just read that live for the first time and say, you know what, that's a very mature thing. And then this is something I always like saying, which is I honestly am not trying to win an argument. I'm trying to find the truth. And like,

I just pointed out the truth to him. And no one can debate that. Like, Kimmel did not celebrate Kirk's death. I mean, that's just a fact. So I'd like to get back to facts. And again, you and I, I think, do have a curiosity where it's like, show me. We're very curious people. And also, comedy doesn't work unless the premise is airtight. So we're always trying to learn if we've been wrong.

Right. And I had a guy right in, I won't even say his name, but he wrote, you guys remind me of many boomers. know on the left. You have no clue how much of a bubble you are in. You come across as very biased and have no interest in understanding how the other side thinks. Let me explain to you, sir, with all due respect. I am on the road. Let's just look at my dates coming up. Say them all. No, but in all serious, I'm going to Lafayette, Louisiana. Salinas. New Orleans. Red. Phoenix. Red. fucking Cleveland. Red. Atlanta. Well, Georgia's red. Austin. Red. Well, it's kind of bluish red. Lexington, Kentucky, Houston, Texas, Fort Worth, Texas, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I know more people on the other side of the aisle from me than I'm sure this guy who's writing this does. I not only know them, I interact with them.

My point of view is very much taking into account how everybody in the audience feels. I'm not trying to placate anybody, but I'm aware of what the pitfalls would be, what their concerns are, how not to fundamentally violate what their beliefs are with my comedy. And I talk to them after the show. I meet every single person coming out of the show, and we have discussions. I interact with viewers who write to me from the other side. And like you said, we have discussions. So to call us in a bubble really actually shows what a bubble you're in.

Oh, whoa. Shot fired. Thank you. Yeah. Good night. How did you think Kimmel did? I thought he did unbelievably well. Well, he cried talking about Charlie Kirk's family.

Well, he cries, you know, he's a sensitive guy. Right. So these are not alligator tears. I've seen it. He's choked up so many. He makes fun of how often he chokes up. Yes. And then he went on to talk about he didn't back off. There was no sense that this is a, you know, a Kimmel 2.0 who is now going to be, you know, delicate. He came on strong against Trump. He talked about the UN stuff. I felt like he thanked he thanked a lot of people in the first act. Then he came back. The first act was kind of like kind of, he was breaking down. what had happened over the past week and then in the second act he came back and did a hard monologue and a sketch with Robert De Niro. De Niro was fucking great.

He's not always, as we talked about before the show, he's not always great. Well, no, and I've worked with him and he's not, he obviously is one of the best actors of all time. He's not great with cue cards and things like that because that's not what

he does. He becomes the person and the dialogue is so memorized and in terms of that there's no reading it. There's no Robert De Niro reading words that are still strange to him, and he becomes it that way. Like, you know, he, so I have to watch that full sketch. I only watched a couple of minutes of it. But, no, I thought he handled it well. I think he's back. He named the cities that he's no longer in, and you hope that those people are going to make some noise because it's Sinclair Broadcasting is the network owner that kept him out of those

markets. Sinclair is a huge player. They're also up for a merger with another company. Of course. And so they are trying to kowtow to the chairman of the FCC. You don't need them. That's what everyone's going to learn. People, this is the big mistake. Even old people just found out how easy it is to watch Jimmy Kimmel without cable. Right. I know. It's great. I mean, it goes back to again. My daughters wanted to like be supportive and watch the Emmy. He's like, dad, how do we watch CBS? They don't need it. They never have. All right. All right. Let's get into it. The logo this week, we want to thank Sean. It's a Vespa, which I don't know if you knew this, but Mike owns two Vespas. I believe you were going to give me one.

I own, you're going to have it. I own a motorcycle and a big Vespa. I'm a little worried about you on the big Vespa. It's a 250. Worryed in what sense. It's too heavy for me to handle? Well, it's also fast. And I know you have that gene in you that's trying to overcompens. right right with the must you have the Mustang gene yes but if you if you want it I will but also you need a license well you needed a license for the 150 you drove yes so I will get a license they're tough to get what do you mean tough to get I'll just I'll just name one thing there's a circle at the DMV you have to go around with two lines and you have to do that circle and you cannot go outside the lines I

wish there was footage of me, I cannot believe he passed me. I was jerky starting and stopping barely. Like if I, I would be pulled over if I drove anywhere close to that in the real world. Really? It's a very hard, what they're testing is, and you're very lucky that it's a scooter because there's no clutch. But they're testing your skill level with brake, acceleration, and clutch and how you can make those work to really go slowly in a controlled way because it's not like a car test where they get into the passenger seat with the motorcycle you're just what in an empty lot and they watch you yes you do figure eight you do S turns and then but this circle one man and then one time so but leading up to it I went to a DMV and I was practicing and they ran out

and we're like get out of here I'm like what is so wrong first of all it's a public parking lot what is so wrong about practicing and first of all you got there on a bike that clearly you didn't have a license for right no you get a permit you have a permit oh you get a permit yeah yeah yeah so maybe you could just do that i'll do it yeah i mean i'm into it i think uh i wouldn't take it into hollywood i'll just keep it on the west side yeah you know i park it right behind the house i got a spot back there Maybe threw a cover on it. It might be stolen.

Well, here's the problem is because I thought it, you know, whatever, I could probably sell it for like $600. Insurance would pay me $1,500 if it was stolen. So I'm like, all right, I'm just because everything's stolen, you know, all the, you know, Malloy's scooter's been stolen twice. And I'm like, I'm just going to leave it out to be intentionally stolen. I might even leave the key in it. And so here I am admitting fraud. It's not really fraud, though.

I mean, I'm leaving it on the street. Yeah, that's true. Right. So, but Malloy goes, no, his was stolen. Then the cops like, oh, yeah, we found it. It was abandoned illegally. So there's like $700 in towing fees and the time that they stored your bike because it was illegally parked. Even though they didn't notify him that they had it?

No, I think they found it or it was reported by the parking place or something. Wow. Wow, that's hilarious. That's like making a woman pay for her own rape kit. Interesting. Now we're off the algorithm. All right. Grape.

So, all right, thank you for that, Sean. Our song is from Ray. Holy shit, Ray. I mean, great music. Ray, it sounded nice and raw. Really, raw? What did you think of the lyrics? He did not bury the lead.

It seemed to be a song about the Sunday papers. That's what I, after second listen. I think it was Saturday afternoon. He ran out of time to write lyrics, but the music's great. Corrections. Stephen Blackwood said Kirk was killed on the 10th. The Yankee game was on the 11th. Trump was at the memorial and attended.

I was talking about the Yankee game that he was at there. He was dancing around to the YMCA song. You said that he was there the same day of the assassination. Nevertheless, I doubt Trump has any grievances. about Kirk beyond when he can game politically. Okay, he said it, not us. By the way, did you see the, did you see the clips of the memorial? Which memorial?

No. It literally, I mean, so many people were like, is she into this? Like, she's coming out. There's fire. It was like a W.W.E. It was like a wrestling event. It literally was like a smackdown. There were fireworks when she was taking.

the stage sparkly things and then they cut to clips of like including Trump people talking about I hate the left I hate my I'm like isn't this a Charlie Kirk Memorial right are his kids if they're not watching it now they will watch it someday shouldn't this be about Charlie right it was crazy make of Michael Vayan said there still there still hasn't been a legacy outback for years years we've discussed this before. Yes, I call my wife's car the Subaru Legacy Outback, which is what it used to be called. It is now just a legacy outback. Oh, okay. It's now just called a Subaru Outback. Worth it. Worth that correction. Bill Murray, this is from Hugh. Bill Murray did not join NBC's Saturday Night Live until 1977. In 1975 and six, he was on a very short-lived

lesser-known Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell on ABC. as part of the primetime players, which premiered only a few weeks before the NBC show, which acquired the name Saturday Night Live. Wow. So, yeah, I thought he was there in the beginning. So I guess he was never on with Chevy. I thought him and Chevy Chase fought,

but I believe Chevy Chase was only on SNL for the first year or two. I think it was just the first year, and he came on as part of the replacement, I believe, and I could be wrong. But, all right, keep going. Maybe Chevy came back as a host. He probably came back as a host. I think so. And you had that fight in the hallway?

Yeah, right. Tour dates coming up, Fairbanks, Alaska this coming week, October 1st through the 4th, Vegas at Brad Garrets, October 13th through 19. Los Angeles, the best buddies benefit. October 30th, it's always huge names. Get your tickets now.

Chicago at the Den Theater, November 8th. Lafayette, Louisiana, November 12th. 12th. Then I'm coming to Phoenix, San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, Cleveland, Atlanta. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live comedy. All right. Hold on. Before we go, you're ready? So Chevy Chase and Bill Murray had a famous backstage confrontation February 1878. It's on his return there to host, which resulted in a physical fight after Chase's return to host. After the fight, Murray called Chase medium talent and the two didn't reconcile until they worked together on the set of caddyshack years later

i got to say you can shit on chevy's attitude and all that but the guy is super talented there's no denying that um oh one last thing on kimmel and then we're going to start our first story with sean combs it was very interesting his opening line i loved it he did the uh as i was saying line which is a famous line in late night history. Jack Parr was censored, the original host of the Tonight Show. And his quote, when he returned, his quote was, as I was saying before I was interrupted. And then he goes, I believe the last, yeah, which was lauded as this, you know, great opening line on his return. And, um,

Jack Parr's full quote was, as I was saying before I was interrupted, he goes, I believe the last thing I said was, there must be a better way to make a living than this. Well, I've looked and there isn't. That's great. Yeah. All right, let's get to the front page. Here we go. Yeah, these are a little, it's not good paper stock.

It seems to be wet. All right. Sean Combs' lawyers seek Christmas release. I don't like the word release around anything Sean Combs related as sex trafficking trial sentencing looms. The mogul is set to be sentenced on October 3rd on the two counts of transportation to engage in prostitution. Quote, the court has a difficult task when fashioning any sentence, but here the right answer cannot be more obvious. The memo states, this is from his defense, of the man, they say, has pursued a life of hard work, love, family, and faith to great success. In the past two years, Mr. Combs' career and reputation have been destroyed. He has served over a year in one of the most notorious jails in America, yet has made the most of that punishment. It is time for Mr. Combs to come home to his family so he can continue his treatment and try to make the most

of the next chapter of his extraordinary life. Okay, maybe don't use the word extraordinary this close to what we've all learned about Diddy. I think that might be a, the wrong, the wrong phrase, because boy, did we learn his life is extraordinary. Well, and also calling him Diddy, like they've called him Diddy now throughout this entire process. He used to be called

Puff Daddy, he was puffy, he was P. Diddy, but he's kept this same name. If there was any a time, if there was ever a time for this guy to change his name, it would be during this trial. Yeah. You know, come up with P. P. Sean, whatever. Although P, he might want to keep P out of it as well.

So I think that was part of the trial. I think he's already planning his white, Christmas party. You know, his big white parties? I think he's already planning this. A little Christmas freak off. Yeah, they want to get him back to his traditional life and his family of eight kids from four women. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah. How do you wrap baby oil on a guy from Only fans? That's a lot of paper. Yeah, a lot of baby oil under the Christmas tree. That's what he's hoping. Yeah. All right, we're skipping this story. But, Boy, that artwork, I got to mention it, that artwork is someone, it's very banksy like a statue

went up in the mall, lick it up of Mr. Trump and Epstein. Everyone's thinking it's taken down. Apparently it can be there until Monday, I think. Check out if it's still up. I'd be surprised. Usually birds shit on statues. This week, it's been fired federal workers shitting on the statue. Maybe.

I think they put it in a mall, Epstein and Trump, because they heard, you know, kids hang out in malls. Get it? Uh, wait, are we doing this story about the, I forget which one? Sure, let's do it. All right. Okay, we're going to do it. Sorry. A massive statute depicting Donald Trump and late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

No, no, the next one. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, the library? Yeah. Well, it's almost a Florida man story. Trump's team has for months been eyeing Florida, where the president is a resident as the location for the official Trump presidential library, which they also hope can be a part of a

larger development. I am not making, we're not into the jokes yet. I am not making this part up. It's going to be part of a larger development that will include an adjacent hotel. Florida Attorney General James Uthamire said, quote, I can think of no better location to tell the story of Donald Trump than Florida. and boy do I agree. It's also going to have a huge fountain out front with a volcano that goes off every half hour.

It's going to have a roller coaster wrapped around it and a giant buffet, the greatest biggest buffet ever. I think there's, Florida is a good place, but I think there's an island that's been recently vacated they could set the library up in. I know. Why not put it there? First of all, building a library for a guy who doesn't, for Donald, Trump is like building a medical lab for RFK Jr. It's like building a gym for Trump. It's like building a church for Trump.

You should make him an abortion clinic. I think he's very familiar with abortion clinics. He's not a big, he's never bragged about reading. No. Never has. All right. Another story I kind of just made some allusions to Vegas. Well, here we are.

This Vegas tourism is a real story now. Like a lot of the Wall Street Journal's picking it up, the tourism continues to plummet there. I guess since January. No, I hear it's down like 30 or 40 percent since January. So one of the reasons, it's not only foreign travel, which is plummeted, of course, and Canada is a big part of that. But people are calling out the crazy prices. It's been reported that one guy paid $95 in ATM fees. $50 check-in fees to check in a little early, and cocktails.

This is the one that kills me. $30 cocktails. Yeah. Meanwhile, drinks used to be free, so it would hinder your good judgments. So the 24 cents gross that they spend on that drink buys you $350 from this guy hitting on 17. Right. and remember we would all talk about like you know because we went when we were really young right and like we were like 21 or something like that maybe and I'm the first time I went there I think

I was like 15 and you would just you could not walk around without seeing basically free meals offered to you everywhere yes I mean the famous example is like the dollar prime rib dinner or whatever it was and it was everywhere and of course course you'd laugh that, well, it's big, you know, they know what they're doing. Well, what happened to that? Well, Matt Malloy, when we used to go at the Venetian, they had this all you could eat, seafood buffet. Maloy would show up with freezer bags and he would grab ice from the buffet and he would throw shrimp. He would fill up bags of shrimp. The guy's crazy for shrimp. Yeah, totally.

But I love the $95 ATM fee. So, all right. So I have to pay $95 to get $200 that I put into a machine that pays me $30. You literally, you lose less on the ATM machine. It's your best bet. I looked it up and they're like, well, we didn't see the guy's receipt, but the guy was complaining about it. So I don't know. Oh, God, I hope that one's not true.

The article continued that Faith and Janus, two Vegas tourists in town with their husbands who were attending a conference. Well, they revealed that their breakfast at Starbucks cost her $18 for a coffee and egg bites. And then her friend Faith said she bought a $30 cosmopolitan in Hell's Kitchen, $30 cocktail. And then they ranked also how much Starbucks is in Vegas. it's the most expensive in the country. Well, I'll tell you what's not expensive is Brad Garrett's comedy club, October 13 through 19. Very reasonable tickets and good drinks and a chance to buy a Greg Fitzsimmons pin after the show. Now, you're not guaranteed he'll be there, or are you?

I think he's going to be there two of the days that week. He kind of comes in and out when he wants, which is a pretty nice setup for him. His profile just shot way up. His Emmy's performance, that big he did was such a reminder to hire that guy. He was just, I think he was the highlight. I think no offense to your guy's writing, but I sort of feel like I laughed the hardest at that bit. We were laughing so hard. He's great.

All right. Speaking of laughing hard, conjoined twin Carmen Andrade recently tied the knot with her husband. and nearly a year on, they're addressing the most common questions they've received. Carmen and Lupita Andre, 25, were born in Mexico. They're joined by the torso and share a pelvis, reproductive system, a liver, and a bloodstream. The sisters do not have the same heart or stomach. They each have one leg. Carmen controls the right one, Lupita, the left.

So life is basically a constant three-legged. good race for them. Well, the husband, even in Dirty Talk, he's like, I can't wait to spread your leg and, of course, respect and not touch the other one. Yeah, this guy, if he has a foot fetish, it has to be a foot fetish, not a feet fetish. He only gets one. He gets the left one. Oh, my God. So they met on a dating app, her and her husband, and they eloped.

so I mean the thing is if you're going to elope and you want to just take off on your own you're a plus one you're a constant plus one meanwhile she's eloping and he's like so you didn't tell anyone in your family no one the sister has headphones on at this point it's like what is she thinking when they're driving to Vegas when asked about how they navigate the boundaries Carmen says it comes down to communication. I don't know how else to put it. Anything

Lupita isn't comfortable with physical or otherwise, we just respect that. What does that well they, I guess they have different brains, different lungs, but the same asshole. So, I guess she's got to respect it. Well, maybe he just goes in

one half of the butthole. You know? God. And then Lupita says she identifies as asexual. I have on headphones and a phone so I don't care. Me, well, wait, hold on, back to the butthole.

Maybe the sister, they're getting a huge fight. She's like, can we just agree that half of the butthole is yours and half is mine? And the sister's like, okay, fine. She's like, okay, the first five inches is mine. I think that's how you solve that one. And she says she's asexual. Newsflash, you're not asexual. You're very sexual.

Oh, my God. Yeah. So, all right, let's crankle. We're going to the ethical question. All right, here it is. Is it related to those twins? No, I'm going to ask, although it is related to, all right, you are. Do you think anyone ever ask conjoined twins?

Like, oh, hey, are you guys twins? are you identical um we're the same person uh so all right you got a good buddy from college not naming names but you say you got a good buddy from college uh 30 years and then you get to know his wife very well and then you uh learn of your friend having an affair oh do you tell the wife about the affair. Man, uh, my gut,

God, I guess my gut instinct is no, but it doesn't end there. I mean, don't, you talk to the guy a lot? Yeah. Oh, you mean? You try to talk them out of it? Well, I mean, I guess I would want to, for instance,

under the banner of it possibly is not my business. Under that banner, it's like, is this an arrangement? Is this ethical non-monogamy? Like, I need to know how much do you think she knows? Do you think she is looking the other way intentionally? Right, right.

Is her conjoined sister know about this? Well, the conjoined sister is definitely looking the other way. Is it with a conjoined sister? Yes. Ah, that half of the butthole. That would be actually a very interesting ethical question is if the guy starts fantasizing about the conjoined sister, is that not in fact cheating because he is currently then having sex with the other sister? Oh, you don't think, all right, you're how, okay, so it's kind of like you.

You get up on the stage and you do comedy. Who are you going to focus on? The one that's laughing really hard or the one that you can't get a smile out of. So you're having sex. You're having sex and your wife is loving it. But the conjoined sister-in-law has headphones on and in your mind is pretending not to enjoy it. Right, right. You're going to get her.

You're going to get her. If they, I guess, you know, they identify as a they, then if they have an orgasm, Is the sister not going to experience an orgasm? I know. That's what I mean. Like, you got it. You're going to be looking at her closed eyes with her headphones on. But you're going to be looking at her mouth for a sign of like,

hmm, felt that one. Yep, felt that. What's she listening to on the headphones? Is it, I touch myself by, what's her name? Oh, that one, yeah, maybe. I should on the fly be able to come up with a better. or twin-related song. Right.

But maybe Millie Vanillae. Oh, yeah, that's good. Who weren't really, they were a duo that was very bizarre and not, and if she's pretending, it's kind of like that. Yeah. That's, yeah, all right, that's interesting. So, yeah, that's my ethical, that's my answer to the ethical question, I guess, is I think I need to know more.

And then I, but to. to give you an answer, if I talk to him and he goes, no, it's just cheating. And then he brings up his rationale. And I'm not saying I buy his rationale. But then there's only so much I can do because, you know, I'm affecting, it's not just about her. I mean, I'm assuming they have children, you know. Yeah. So I don't think he's my buddy.

she's she's a friend and all that but through him so uh yeah i don't know okay i hear you well thank you i'm just asking for a friend and by the way i need to tell you something later uh all right hold on i got hold on i got to call her i'm because she's my friend uh all right let's go to entertainment here we go cardy b revealed she underwent a butt reduction surgery to remove silicon in her rear end. She said it didn't hurt, but I'm going to recommend it to people because I had surgery. She was dressed in her boyfriend, Stefan Diggs NFL jersey. Yeah, with a butt like that, he's definitely got a dig.

I have surgery in my butt. I thought people say my butt was too big, but they don't understand. I already reduced my ass. so you know when people do like a tummy tuck it's practically a tummy tuck on my ass um so like the top of my ass is like numb so when i pierced my ass i ain't felt shit though cardy said the piercing was the she did a piercing as well it was the easiest she's ever done it came with a hefty price tag of 13,000

because it was made with real diamonds well the irony is they were 24 carrots But if she'd eaten 24 carrots, her ass wouldn't be that big. Oh, there you have it. Why is there silicone? Silicon. In her silicone. In her butt. You're kidding, right?

No, no, but like, and now she wants it out? No, that's what they do. That's what women do now. They put silicone implants in their asses. The Kardashians started it. You didn't know that? Well, I thought she was naturally endowed with a giant. ass like jail was and i think the Kardashians were but then it became like a caricature of like make

your ass gigantic and then they then they have a uh second thought on it and it's too much yes okay and all right well i i go to the gym and i see women with those kinds of asses but they are doing squats and they're doing all kinds of ass related exercises to get that ass big. It's weird she had it pierced the same time. Yes. Because I bet she's going to revisit this ass. I mean, I think this is a work site and all the work's not done.

No. Yeah. I have no ass whatsoever anymore. It's gone away. I used to have a really nice ass because I played hockey. And like you, I rollerbladed everywhere. and I had a nicely shaped ass. I don't think you have to share that we used to rollerblade.

Hey, at the time, it was actually kind of cool. Yeah, well, I'd rollerblade into Brooklyn, man. We were all over the place. We used to jump off the stairs at the New York Public Library. Do you remember that? I would never do that. But I do remember skating with Brickner once, and we went way, way downtown.

And we were going between the Twin Towers. And the Twin Towers had a big market. marble plaza in between them. Yes, of course. And my roller blade wheels got stuck in between two of the big tile, you know, tile plates or whatever. And it grabbed the wheels and I went down hard. And the best was after 9-11, Brickner goes, that's still the most outrageous, the most incredible collapse on that site that's ever happened.

That's a tragedy, yeah. Nothing went down as hard or as fast as that. Do you think about it every year on 9-11? It's hard to forget. Yeah. It's hard to forget. All right, here we go. We're going to make America, Florida.

That paper felt good. Okay, let me try to cut this down on the fly, but I love it. Florida man driving Jeep shoots at his childhood friend riding a motorcycle. imagine you're working on your motorcycle and decide to take it out for a test drive. Even though you're focused on your bike, you notice a cheap tailgating you. You also recognize the driver you grew up with and you haven't seen in years. Then he pulls out a gun and starts shooting. This is a line in the article.

No, this isn't some, quote, Orlando, howdy, which is a Florida custom the rest of the country is unfamiliar with. so the rider was passing at campgrounds and then anyway he recognized the guy in the jeep he had been friends with so he had no clue what it was going on when the guy was following him and then he pulled out the firearm and squeezed off two shots so the dude tries to speed away he veered into traffic he took a little tumble but he finally got he shook the Jeep and lost it and he went home When he got home, a text message was waiting for him from the dude in the car. And it goes, when's a good time to come over? So he confronted his buddy and he asked about the shooting.

And McDonald, the guy in the Jeep, denied any involvement. The police located McDonald and he continued to deny everything. But there were big holes in his story. What's more, he had a box of ammunition, clearly. visible in his car. Still in denial, he volunteered to have the car searched. In addition of the bullets, they found drugs and smoking devices. Why would you offer it up? I just want to say, this sounds to me like it was exactly an Orlando howdy. Yes. Yes. I mean, no other explanation. Yeah. Well, I like that, you know, guys always like to prank each other,

And the stakes just keep getting higher and higher. It used to be that you would light off a firework in the living room while your friend was watching TV. And in Florida, they just take it all the way. I know. He's like, dude, can you just like draw a penis on my face when I pass out? I mean, you're shooting at me. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Speaking of shootings, let's make America, Texas again. Let's do it. Here we are. A Texas man charged. with, all right. You, when you read this story that I put in here, said, hey man, I think we did this story. This is the most fascinating thing. We did not do this story. There was another story in June just like it. This is a problem. Texas man charged with murder in shooting of a child playing the doorbell prank, what is it called? Ding dong ditch him? A witness recalled that

someone ran out of the house and was shooting at a kid. running down the street. Houston Police Department's homicide detectives said, unfortunately, sadly enough, one of the boys who was 11 years old was shot in the back. He added that the shooting does not look like any type of self-defense. Ding-dong ditch pranks, which are becoming increasingly popular on TikTok, have led to deadly shootings before. And the kid was playing ding-dong prank game.

And then the witness sees the guy running from the house. with a gun and just prior to hearing the gunshot wound. So, Texas, what the hell? A few weeks ago, we talked about the June story where the guy ran out of his house and shot at the kids driving away in his cars. This is what's going to, I think less guns might be the problem, I'm thinking. I don't know.

At least if you shoot a guy with that, because some people go, get rid of the guns, and replace them with crossbows. And I think, yeah, it's just going to take that extra couple seconds to pull it back and the less accuracy. I think we should go back to a bow and arrow society. Or get good at maybe throwing a hatchet or a knife. Yeah, that's good. Lassoes.

How about lassoes? You want to fucking take somebody down. You got to earn it. Also, like, I mean, the reason the shots are not that accurate. or in this case, he did hit one of these kids, sadly, is they're running away. Yes. So there's no stand your ground argument.

Yes. But Texas, get it under control, man. And also, kids, no more ringing doorbells. Yeah. This reminds me of, like, when I would be in Nashville traffic, I would start to feel my, like, getting enraged. And like I do in L.A. where I would pull up and literally look at someone like,

what the fuck are you doing and uh in national i would have a second thought because odds are there's a gun in that car that's right when i was a teenager read the room when i was a teenager we were like 13 and we would sit in the woods and then when cars would drive by we would shoot a slingshot at them shoot you know rocks and uh i blew out the side window of this car and then these three Puerto rican guys started chasing me my buddy sneaky pete and this guy Ricky who had asthma and so we're running through the woods and Ricky has a fucking asthma attack and Pete sneaky Pete just takes off like a rabbit he's just shooting between trees he's fucking gone and now I see these guys coming and I'm standing there Rick and I'm like all right we're

fucking dead there's nobody around and they and the Puerto Rican guys just grab us and they go we're taking you to the police I was like thank you so much so we got to the police and And we got charged with vandalism and whatever else. And I remember it was $113 to pay for the window. It was cheap back then. But they wanted to know who the third guy was. And so we said we just met him. We were walking through the woods and we just met him and he was hanging out with us.

We don't even remember his name. And so they made us go through yearbooks from the town's nearby Tarry Town to see if we recognize the guy. and I said we don't. And then Ricky fucking narked on Sneaky Pete, and he got pulled in. Oh, yeah. How about in the yearbook when the police were like, could it be this guy who's in quotes and his name is sneaky? How about that? Hey, which one of you guys got away?

Take a guess. Sneaky Pete got away. Yeah, it wasn't asthmatic Ricky. He was a little slow out of the gate. Asmatic Ricky was the first caught And stupid Greg Stupid Greg who stayed with Asmatic Ricky All right, let's get down to this day in history

You got it, here it comes I was going to try to do a theme this week Oh, interesting Well, I've kind of been working on that We did TV and movie printers Hollywood stuff But I was going to do Give or take one day

Oh, Jesus I know No, because there's a bunch. 912, 2001. All right. But no, did I say a day? Yeah. Oh, that's interesting.

No, I was going to say give or take a one year. Sorry, one year. But there are other interesting ones, so we're not doing that, including this first one. American journalist Barbara Walters was born on this day in what year, give or take seven years? 1934 oh you 1929 wow I did not know she was that old well I just thought about her in comparing to my mother my mother was born in 42 and I figured she was uh about eight years older than my mom so that was the guest wow yeah very good she interviewed me on the view once uh did you understand a word she said she it was very funny because she it was joy behar and her and somebody else interviewing me. And then backstate, I just remember in the green room, she was sitting there typing on her phone.

And it was so long ago, I was like, what the fuck is she doing? Like, I didn't, that was like a new thing, sending an email on your phone. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, here's one of the one year ones. Nirvana released its breakthrough album,

Nevermind on this day in what year, give or take a year? 1991. It's exactly. Exactly, 1991. Yeah, I remember I graduated college. I was still doing comedy in Boston. And I remember them being on Saturday Night Live

while I was in a club with Anthony Clark watching it on the TV. And I was about, yeah, a couple years after I graduated. My story is I visited my sister out here in L.A. And Debbie, who we call Rock and Roll Debbie, who's awesome. We still go to concerts with her. She worked at Geffen.

and she hands me an album with the hole punched in it. I don't think it was for sale yet. And she's like, the single's been released, I guess, or there's some release of it because, no, sorry, the album had been released because every party we went to in L.A., that album was playing. Yeah. And, but she had a promotional copy.

She just gave me. And then I remember going back to, it was not in New York. It's like a charming tale of back when radio markets were very, they weren't owned by, you know, syndicates or anything like that. And New York, it had not even started yet. And I remember coming back with like, I've got the new sound, like to my roommates. Like I come in the door holding that CD. So, meanwhile, they had already had an album, but that was the breakthrough, as they said. Okay.

We're going to go to the first 60 Minutes debuted on this day in what year, give or take five years. 1959. 68. How many years did you give me? Five. Shit. Yeah. All right.

Reesner, Walter Cronkite. You and I were chatting before the podcast about gold. It's becoming front-page financial news lately. How about this one? Plumming gold prices led to a panic known as Black Friday. I can't name the people involved. But these two guys, Jay Gould and James Fisk, they tried to drive up the gold market.

And to counter it, the president ordered $4 million of government gold to be sold on the market. So Black Friday, with a gold panic, do you have any guess of what year that would be? Well, I was just at the Frick Museum in New York. So I saw the house. The house, I think, was they were the robber barons, which would have been the 1870s. So I'm going to say 1879. And how did you get to Frick?

just i don't know just a feeling i had about the uh the house it was once i knew he was a robber baron and that's around when they when they were but you heard i said james fisk right oh they said frick it's unbelievable you stumbled on to that so this is 1869 there we go and the president was uh ulysses ulysses s grant yeah also gould i knew that gould was a robber baron good good job though on uh that stuff i don't I don't think I would have gotten that. All right. Let's see what else we got.

Let's see what else we got. The first televised U.S. presidential debate, but you'll be able to get to that. Kennedy and Nixon. The first Brady Bunch premiered on ABC in what year, give or take four years? 1976. Nope, 69. No way. Really?

Yes, sir. No shit. I thought it happened when I was a little kid. Happy Days was not. 1969? Yep. Wow. Shocked.

All right. Let's see. Let me find one more for you. Didn't the parents sleep in separate beds on the Brady bunch? Or were they in the same bed? Same bed.

Even though he was gay? And they Yeah, it's very safe. And they were divorced. Oh. Which is quite a thing. They were not widows? I thought there were widows.

Oh, were they? No, they were widows. Both of their spouses died. I guess I would explain why there was no visitation. Well, Mr. Brady's husband died of AIDS in 1969. Okay. Here we go. One more.

Interesting. We've already referenced this. The original or the Tonight Show, the landmark late evening. Talk Show and Variety Program, the Tonight Show premiered as Tonight with Steve Allen as host. So I'm trying to think Jack Parr. When was Jack Parr? I guess he was right after him. Anyway, what year did Steve Allen's tonight debut, give or take five years?

1959. You did it. You did it. 1954. You barely, barely did it. Yep. did it. David Letterman said that Steve Allen was the

entire inspiration for how he did the show. Oh, my God. He did all those crazy stunts as well. Whenever Letterman did the Velcro suit or the Alka-Seltzer in a big tank of water. That Steve Allen, totally inspired by Steve Allen. All right, let's get

the letters to the editor. Letters to the editor. This guy said that on July 3rd, 2014, Anthony Cumia, was fired from Sirius XM for comments he made on Twitter, which happened on the weekend while they were off the air. This has been going on for some time, like him or not. These were his personal views on his personal Twitter, not on the air. Sirius XM certainly didn't support free speech. It's a good point. I remember it was Opie and Anthony. I believe

Opie and Anthony, I believe were separated at this point. And Anthony, who has come out as a very far right, I'll say it, racist guy. I remember he wrote something about black women and he was thrown off. And again, I don't support it. I don't agree with it. But. Wait, I'm sorry. How is this related to Kimmel?

Well, just that, you know, he was fired from Sirius XM. But the government told Sirius XM you can do this the hard or easy way? That's the distinction. that's the distinction yeah no it's fine listen you and i have both been fired because the show for some reason didn't like us or they could have valued us more or whatever that's fine yeah a private company can do that that's not that's not at all what happened this is from remi i absolutely love both of you guys and my sundays wouldn't be the same without you having said that our political don't necessarily align, but I could care less. You guys are funny. That's all that matters.

I think that was in the YouTube, and I think I thanked Remy. Yes. This one comes from a loyal listener. He says, Churches skew pretty right, too, but nobody's talking about pulling their tax-exempt status. We do. Look at the recent resolutions out of the Southern Baptist Convention, overtly declaring they intend to meddle in politics. Any serious liberal candidate should put them blast and threaten them with taxes. That is explicit that houses of worship, which are granted tax against status, are forbidden to endorse political candidates, period. Right. Yeah. I mean, you know, God, forget it. Go ahead. Okay. This is a Christian nationalist. That's the phrase. Go ahead. let's see

this is from Tom Frankowitz Last summer my wife and I saw the pretenders with Chrissy Hind That 73 year old body broad yelled at the audience She really let everyone have it She said shove all those phones right up your asses She yelled out a couple times And busted people's balls quite a bit

Great show man can she still sing We'll see you in Chicago in November Wait where is this At the bottom Right above merch, the last three. Oh, okay. So I just want to say, Chrissy Hyde, there is not, and I don't want to say badass woman.

People always want to go like, who's the best female rock star, period. Chrissy Hyne is up there with anybody as a badass front person in a rock band, and she can't. I saw her recently sing. I think it was on the Daily Show, and she's still amazing.

Yeah, I love her. She's great. Right there in the birth of the, punk movement in London. Well, yes, she worked in, do you know this, that she worked in the thrift store? McLarence store, yeah. McLarence, the guy who organized the sex pistols

and managed them. And she was friends with Johnny Rotten before the band even formed. Anyway, all right, let's get to the funnies. Funnies, here we go. As you know, every week, we do the comic cop. contest. You guys send in your jokes for the frame of a comic that we give you. And then we

pick the funniest ones, read them, pick the winner. That person gets a coozy mail to their house for free. Please, when you send it in, put your joke with your name directly under it. Thank you for your consideration in advance of this. Last week's cartoon is a woman on her knees snorting what looks like a line off of a coffee table. There's a lot of cleaning products around her, Ajax, a sponge, there's folded clothes on an iron board. A man walks in and sees her. Ben from Montana said,

if your insurance covered Ozempic, this wouldn't be a problem. All right. She's trying to lose weight doing Coke? Yeah. Parker said, I like my women like I like my cocaine. White, skinny, and kept in line with a credit card. Not bad. It's not bad.

I wonder if you made that up or if that's a thing. Andy Tilk said, what? Fentanyl removes ring around the collar. I think it was more like, what? Fentanyl removes ring around the collar. Yeah, defensive. Ron said, Bravo proudly presents the Real Housewives of Reno. I like that one.

Yeah, I like that one. Should we go with that? Yeah. Okay. Congratulations to Ron, who lives in the United States of America. Like all our winners, coincidentally. I'm trying to find an onion. There are so many good ones to choose from. All right, I'll get into some lockhorns while you look.

By the way, I don't have a haggar this week. I don't have a blondeie this week. I look at the week's cartoons. I got skunked on this. All the Blondie cartoons was fucking Dagwood at work, Dagwood at the diner, fucking Herb and Dagwood out of the yard. What are we doing here? What is, is it called Dagwood?

No. Call Blondie! What's the deal with this? All right, the first Lockhorn cartoon is very funny. Leroy has been pulled over by the cops and the cop says, I can't give you a warning. that's the job of the speed limit sign very good very good uh and then um this one's kind of corny but i liked it uh leroy's talking to his friend as loretta drives away in a car and he goes when loretta's

behind the wheel it becomes a recreational vehicle nice then the last one loretta has some tea with her friend Leroy walks by. He's in pajama pants, a white beater T-shirt, 5 o'clock shadow and he looks hung over. And she says to her friend, he's a rescue. I like it. And we'll end on a very

broad sort of takes in all the stories from the week, I think. Onion headline, which is God realizes he forgot to put soul in humans. And God.

And God. looks very concerned about it. Yes, yes. All right, well, we're going to remind you guys to go to Fairbanks, Alaska this week. If you go to Fitzdog.com, there's various theaters I'm playing around Fairbanks. And then Den Theater coming up in Chicago. Skankfest in New Orleans. Go to Fitzdog.com. Get tickets. Anything you want to promote, Mike? Oh, did we talk about the Devo thing yet? Oh, I watched it. Oh, you did.

Boy, so many talking heads vibes during that. Like, they were just true artists. They were true artists. I think B-52s fits into that category as well. Let's talk about it next week. All right, we'll talk about it next week. If you haven't seen it, watch it. I finished Charlie Sheen.

I unfortunately watched the last half hour of the Billy Joel documentary, which was just a promo for Billy Joel. Yep. And then what else? Oh, have you and Aaron watched Catfish wrong unknown number, I think it's called? No. Okay. Don't, you can't look anything up.

You guys just, Aaron probably knows about it. It's 90 minutes. It's not a series. Just watch Catfish Unknown Number. It's number one on Netflix. It's impossible to not find if you just go on Netflix. Yeah, we're, watching something stupid now. Oh, this is stupid. Yeah, okay, good. Don't look at your recorder and tell me

right now, how long did I say this podcast would be? Hour 14. No. I don't know. I said an hour and seven minutes. Now look at your recorder. And it says an hour five, 21 seconds. Mine says an hour six and 11 seconds. All right. Sorry it's a short one this week, folks, but we got shit to do sometimes. We're recording this on a Wednesday. We also have to watch what we say. We might get canceled. Wait, why are we doing on Wednesday? Where are you going tomorrow?

I'm going down. I'm going on a road trip. I'm getting a car tomorrow and I'm going glamping on the south rim to this place of the Grand Canyon. Who are you going with? Friends. Get out of here. Yeah.

All right. Have fun. Thank you. And then making me your way. You know, Phoenix is surprisingly far. from the Grand Canyon. I learned three hours drive. I am going to Phoenix. I just booked a date there, November 28th through the 30th, the Desert Ridge improv. I was going to drive, but it's a seven-hour drive. I know. I'm leaving really early in the

morning. But the flight and then the three-hour drive up to the Grand Canyon. Anyway, it's a wash. But have you ever gone to that? It used to be like super famous and lauded as the best pizza in America. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember one. time in a very douchebag move. I think Seinfeld and some other, maybe Katzenberg, they flew there for lunch. Really? They took a private jet to Phoenix. I might be wrong, but how could I make that up?

What if it crashed into the Grand Canyon? What if there was just a little wind coming down? Oh, boy, don't wish that on anyone. All right. What does your recorder say right now? Two, one. 107 there we go thanks for listening everybody we'll talk to you soon take itish take it wish.

Send the papers. Send the papers. Send the papers. Send the papers. Sounded paper.