Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 285 10/19/25

Episode Date: October 19, 2025

People are ending it all at Disney, RFK is counting sperm and Prince Andrew is giving up his title. Only little girls believe in Princes anyway. WWW.UNCOMMONGOODS.com/PAPERS for 15% off! Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. A new era of fitness is here.

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Get full-sized favorites and must have minis. Fundled for more value. Shop before they're gone. In store online at Sephora.ca. Sunday Papers, Las Vegas, and wherever the fuck Mike is. Whitefish, Montana. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just, oops, there, my headphones, just pulled in.

Literally, family's still unloading the car. Okay. Well, we haven't looked at the script. So we're going to be winging it this week a little bit because I have to pick up my wife at the airport. What have you ever been on time for that? Well, you don't leave somebody stranded at a Vegas airport on a Friday at 6 p.m. That's right, Vegas.

How's Vegas going, man? It's, you know, it's Vegas. Seven nights in a fucking tower. The hotel room that I'm in is a tower of the MGM, and the club is in the main part of the hotel. and I clocked it. It's exactly one half of one mile from the room to the club. And I blew out my knee a week ago playing paddle tennis with you.

Yes, that was a good match. And I have one of those little carts that you put your knee on and you push yourself. No, you don't. Yep. And it's got a basket on the front. And I wheel myself through the hallways. Oh, my God. And guess what people do?

I imagine my life. very hard. They laugh, but they smile at me. Do you know how rare it is as a 59-year-old bald white guy to elicit a smile from a stranger? Now, everybody holds doors, they smile. I'm gonna fucking, I'm sticking with it. I'm keeping this little roller thing.

Oh, man, I thought today was depressing being in the car for six hours, but this now just took it to a whole new level. Jesus. Wow. Yeah. So I zip around. I have a cane when I'm not using that. That's for just going up and down the elevator. It's getting worse. Yeah. Yep. Oh, my God. Okay. So picture seven days where you can't do anything. You're just sitting in a hotel room. Oh, my God.

All right. So. Well, I'm sorry you have that. I'm sorry our match has resulted in this. which I also lost $18 on. Yes. When is the surgery? Three weeks. All right. And then will you, oh, no, will you have one of these for a couple of days, one of these little rascals, manual rascals? Just a cane.

The rehab from this surgery apparently is not bad. I'm on the exercise bike the next day or two days later, and we build up from 10 minutes. Wow, all right. Torn meniscus. Yes. Yep. I like it. Have you performed yet?

Today's Friday. Yeah, I started Monday night, so I've done four shows. Is Brad there? Brad was here the first night. It was great to see him. He was with his wife, his lovely wife. And, you know, he's just, he's a barrel of laughs. He's a fucking, he's a character.

He's up there on stage. The shit he says to people is so racist. and misogynistic and yet he's totally grandfathered in he gets away with all of it right it's like a rickles thing yeah and he's a little bit

you know sometimes as I think about this like very briefly like Joel McHale Joel McHale we had to change the writing a little he was in a sitcom I had because his whole thing was he was kind of an outsider

and awkward and he was thin yes he played some unofficial kind of like football or maybe a little bit official, uh, in college. So, you know, tall guy, but he was thin and kind of awkward. And then all of a sudden the Joel that arrived, uh, later is just stacked and really like, you know, sort of, uh, dominant looking. And he has to watch the humor because he would love, you know, taking shots at guy, you know, but now it looks almost a little like punching down, you know what I mean? Well, Jesselnick gets away with it somehow because he's so over the top, good looking and

offensive. Yeah, I guess so. But, yeah, I mean, obviously you can pull things off. But, but Brad, in a way, there's a little bit of a, which Raymond tapped into, a little bit of like a, you're one of the freaks, like with a lot of us, you know what I mean? Like, you're so big and they would talk about that and everything. like in a way his physicality makes him an outsider right he also jews it up you know it always helps you know they that's the thing about i mean they they always say why are why are so

many great comedians jewish and it's because they very much are outsiders you know they're a voice of somebody who's looking at everybody else on the inside and uh you know um he plays italian for me you know off the table you know and of course in the barone family which which was a Ray Romano thing. Right, right. But, yeah, so we're going to have dinner in a couple weeks back in Malibu. And he's trying to get me hired on this show to write, which should be nice. I wish, you know, I ran into Ray at one of the Emmy after parties that I worked on.

And I mean, I think Brad must have come by there. It was Bargettzi's party, but I would have loved to have seen him. Yeah, he's the best. And then I was supposed to play golf. My nephew's father-in-law, long story, but this guy runs like the course out here in Vegas. And I was all set up with a tea time, and then my knee just did not heal,

so I couldn't play. The little knee scooter couldn't make it 18 holes. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. I played a little in Jackson Hole. I played not a little. I played 18 with a jack. So what's this trip?

Explain this to people. so I mean the whirlwind life that is Mike Gibbons this was pushed by my dad and now I think he's regretting it because he's like oh man these are long days

but he it was good to get him out of Florida he has already a fib issues and whatever I'm just knock on wood we have not been to like an emergency care yet for him but it's yet

so he wanted to do like Yellowstone and Galatian National Park. They seem close together on a map. They do. I'm going to give you that. Yeah. They are not. And so we also put Jackson Hole in it because we had a place to stay there. Jack was amazing and says hello and all of that stuff. How nice. So anyway, drive up from all the way through Yellowstone and then stay in this amazing place in the Paradise Valley south of Bozeman. So this morning that we wake up And then we drive an hour Or 45 minutes or so to Bozeman

Have breakfast there and then do the rest of the trip up here And now we're in Whitefish And go into Glacier National Park tomorrow And this is you, your dad and your sister? And niece Caroline Who somehow is enjoying this And having a great attitude about everything But she's in the car with the three of us

Oh my God Crazy Is this like being Is this like when your parents were divorced all over again? in what way just you and your sister and your dad on a road trip oh oh oh oh like when he would take us stuff

yes except he's now like an infant like what where are we watch the trap like you know I just have that guy he also maybe it happens at a certain age where he will just tell you things that the sign he read just said and maybe he doesn't think

we can read it or something's like you know you know Bozeman is up here to the right. I'm like, yeah, yes. Also, you see the ways. Do you see the big thing that occurs right? And then, but then the other thing that's great is I found this app. And the app, you use it, it's called Park Wolf or something, and we're not sponsored by them.

But you put that on, and the GPS triggers info that it says. So it's like you're on a guided tour, but you're in your car. No shit. Oh, no, it's great. So he's like, now you're coming up like to the, like, you know, Black Rock lookout. And this lookout was formed by Teddy Roosevelt, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So he now repeats what was just said in the car out loud. He's like, you know, Teddy Roosevelt looked in this area.

I'm like, wow. Yeah. It was just said 20 seconds ago. It's like an app called Echo. He's an app. Exactly. Second listen. Second listen. F. No, you know what he's doing? He's translating English to English. That's what's going on. Right, right. English to Bronx. Well, that's great. I mean, I think it's so great that your dad is doing this stuff with you guys. You guys have been on a lot of cool trips. And it's really nice to have a father who's alive. Good for you. I thought I was joining you a few times today.

Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Oh, wait. There's another thing, too. A little bit of a dark sense of humor. He's too tired to get out to look at, like, so Yellowstone, not many people know this,

but has a Grand Canyon, believe it or not in it. And so we go in the Grand Canyon. and then we come back to the car and there is a raven always a good sign a raven on his window on his side view mirror just looking in and I'm like dad I'm like Lord dad's gone I'm like there's that only means one thing by way look how big this thing is did it say never more it I know wow that thing is on the it is on the side view mirror for those of you listening and your dad's in the passenger seat and he's right oh no yeah yeah look at him looking up at it oh my god and i'm like that is he's i mean i wouldn't be surprised if it's flying away with one of his eyeballs right now oh my god yeah that's crazy um and then uh and then so what happens from here so now you're in this is it

thankfully we just pulled i like literally ran into a room that i saw was in because i didn't I didn't even know about the Wi-Fi that I saw was next to the Wi-Fi boxes or whatever. And they're, like, looking around the house. And I'm sorry I was, I mean, I was trying to give you updates as we went along, but it just took so goddamn long to get here. So now we're in this house. We're here tonight and tomorrow night, which is Friday and Saturday night. And then we fly out of whitefish, which is Calispell, I think, or whatever, Sunday.

And go through Seattle. That's fun on the way home. little airport here yeah unbelievable sure you will die on a plane at some point one of us will die on a plane whoa oh yeah wait i want to get to hopefully you had your little your little knee contraption thing for their airplane but um but calatia national park is on the to do list that's what we do tomorrow all right special treatment on the plane for you or what no i drove i drove i rented i rented the little push cart in L.A. I borrowed my wife's Subaru Outback, and I drove out here, parked it in the lot,

thinking I would just, instead of getting stir crazy this week, I'd go out to Lake Mead and, you know, Hoover Dam, and I'd go down to go to downtown and go to the Golden Nugget. I have not gotten into the car once the entire week. I've been sitting in the room, looking at TikTok, reading a book, which I don't even like watching sports watching fucking Aaron Rogers win a game which kills me

I hate watching him no he won oh well they're what it got close they came back or so anyway it was a point by a point oh wow yeah but still alive in the football pool I got two of my boxes still alive out of four

all right I got the Patriots this week and the chiefs so I'm in good shape. Yeah, you're out. Gubbin still has two alive. Buffalo put me out. And then... A lot of people out.

Oh, so Owen is in New York, and I get this picture from him. I posted it. If anybody wants to see it, go to my Instagram account. Now I know he has fit into New York. He sends me a picture of him yesterday. He moved from Harlem to Brooklyn to Crown Heights. Okay. And both neighborhoods we would not have lived in

when we were living there. No. And him and his roommate got on the subway with a couch and took it out to Brooklyn. And there's a photo of there. It's like a, you know, it's like a small couch. But it's the two of them on the fucking L train sitting on the couch. No, if you think about it, I mean, I just had Sophie move in. If you think about it, it's like, I don't know, like, you know, let's say you do Facebook marketplace.

And it's like, oh, yeah, we got a big table. I'm like, okay, how's that? I mean, unless you're renting a really. really expensive moving rental. Right. Right. So they got it from one of his friend's sisters had the couch. They got this new place out in Crown Heights, him and two other guys. They already found their local bar across the street.

It's got a $7 shot and a beer special with a pool table. And they ran into a bunch of girls from California. And they're already like have plans with them and they love the neighborhood. so he's psyched. Couch is getting a workout already. Oh, yeah. Get the black light going on that thing. All right, let's move this thing along.

Let's get to our logo this week comes from Bob, the very prolific Bob. Look at Dennis Gubbins. Dennis Gubbins, rolling some dice in Vegas at a craps table. It looks like you're on the five cube. I don't know what number came up. The song is from Fletcher-Alekson. and it's really fucking good and just so you know

there has been some consternation about whether or not songs are AI these days so Fletcher said and FYI this was not AI I'm a musician based in New York which I have to also bring up we had it we got an email

from Blake Levan who I don't know if you remember was our he was our composer last week and musician and singer he wrote this to me You used my song on the podcast last week, which I was thrilled about, but then you said it must be AI, which I was considerably less thrilled about. To clarify, I have never and will never use AI in any song I send you. Everything you hear is written, played, and produced entirely by me.

It takes me time to put these together, so hearing it dismissed as AI is a little frustrating. This might be overkill, but I made a video to show you the process of re-recording, re-recording the last. song I send you in real time. It's a little rough since I only do one take of each track and don't mix any. It goes on and on. But he made this video, which I watch. It was like 12 minutes long. And it literally showed him laying down on his keyboard, each track of this song, which

we should play it at the end again, so people can hear how complex and insanely good it is. It sounds like it's AI video. Exactly. Sorry, Blake. But I see right through your ploy. I mean, he's talking about time quantizing and reverb compression. And this guy is a real pro.

So anyway, Blake, our apologies. Thank you so much for your good work. And keep the songs coming. Another correction came up. This one's a week old. The payment to Alaska citizens. I talked about they get some kind of an oil payment every year. All right.

Isn't socialism or welfare? It is a return on investment. funded by the revenue from oil and mining. The state has no personal income tax, so the fund is in a way and in part a distribution of excess state revenue. Another purpose of the fund is to save and invest money to have when there is no more oil revenue. Well, we live in California.

We fucking refine it all. Where's my check? Right. Anyway. I love it because it's an all-red state that's on welfare. Ron says, I'm a new listener, and so far I'm loving it. I mean to write a few weeks ago when Mike mentioned going to Trader Joe's and not remembering to bring his normal bags, and instead using paper bags, I'm a T.J's crew member and can tell you we're happy when you bring any bag in no matter what store it's from. So I guess that's his correction.

Okay. And then tour dates coming up. Listen, next week, October, it's now October 26th. We're doing a Best Buddies benefit. I've done it every year for about 15 years. We raise money for Best Buddies, which is an amazing charity, helps people with intellectual disabilities. We got Andrew Santino.

We got Craig Robinson. We got Ron Funches, Annie Letterman, and the great Mike Gibbons will all be on the show. It's at the Comedy Store. Tickets available on my... site. Also, Chicago, the Den Theater, November 8th, Appleton, Wisconsin, November 9th, Lafayette, Louisiana, November 12th. Then I'll be in Phoenix, San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, Cleveland. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets and come out. Mike, this is going to feel weird. This is going to feel unusual. Okay. We have an ad to read. What? Yep. We're selling out? We have decided to stop our embargo. on advertising and to get in light of all the comedians going to Saudi Arabia we decided to become commercial and I can't think of a better way to do it this is a product that look Christmas is coming up you want to buy something for somebody that feels handmade that feels unique oh I like this product this is a great company I'm literally reading this for the first time well this I know these guys you know on

Goods, uncommon goods. It is, first of all, stress-free because this website is so easy. I bought two things on it already. I got my daughter these, they're warming booties. They're like a better version of Uggs. They're kind of like, they look warmer, they look fluffier. She loves this kind of stuff. She doesn't even know how much I know about her.

And this is the kind of thing. You buy gifts off of this site, and people get that you. you understand them because everything is super customized. They got this pickleball shaped crudite plate. Now, that's perfect for you, Mike. A crudite plate. Yes, shaped like a pickleball racket. Oh, because I beat you in paddle tennis?

That's right. No, they're so good. It's like it's an organic thing. It's individually, it feels like individual. You're not going to a mall or anything. This is me off the top of my head. I haven't read any of this copy. I let's love these guys.

Independent artists, small businesses, they're made in small batches. You got to hurry up and get this stuff. Everybody loves it. History buffs. Diehard football fans, foodies, mixologists. When you stop, when you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting these small businesses.

And with every purchase you make, Uncommon Goods will give back a dollar to a nonprofit partner of your choice. Not their choice. I'm tired of giving it. money to Tom's shoes and then they go and give it to some African kid they've donated more than three million dollars to date so shop early have fun and comes and cross some names off your list today to get 15% off your next gift go to uncommon goods.com slash papers that's uncommon goods

dot com slash p a P-E-R-S for 15% off don't miss out on this limited time offer uncommon goods we're all out of the ordinary. Look at that. You get some accessories for your little one-legged scooter. Now, I don't know if you have anything to crinkle. I do. I have a run-down of the Emmys. Oh, okay.

It's no longer needed. We ran it down. Here we go, front page. Knowing your dad, I'm surprised it's not a rundown of the trip. Yeah, no, I know that's true. All right, this was your story. All right, the Walt Disney World Hotel. to which an Illinois woman traveled before she took her own life is notorious for suicides.

And we are off the algorithm. The body of Disney superfan summer equites, equates, 31, was found at the contemporary resort hotel at the Florida Park Tuesday night. In the, she's from, whatever, she got, she just got married last year, honeymooned at Disney World in October. and announced she was pregnant two months later. It's unclear if she delivered the baby. Who knows? Anyway, this iconic hotel has been the site of several similar tragic incidents in recent years. In 2016, a guest jumped to their death from the Central Tower.

In March 2020, in the afternoon, a woman jumped from the contemporary resort in front of horrified guests. Oh, my goodness. You know, it's hard when you look at this. It must be impossible to tease out. any correlations or causal relationships because if you're an adult and a Disney super fan you have mental illness and not much to live for so you are you are in a so you're in a really high risk group already are you kid maybe their brains get shaken up in the in the teacups too much but uh I don't know it sounds like a tall world after all you read this story

Initially, they sent Doc over to check on her, but then Grumpy had to do the clean-up. Imagine that's the last thing you see is Doc running up to you like this is perfect, like as you're taking your last breaths? Oh, no. You don't even have to look up. He's right there. I level. Yeah. All right.

RFK Jr. uses a platform during a Trump event to go on a rant about teenagers' sperm during an Ovaloff. gathering RFK Jr. said, when my uncle was president, the fertility rate in this country was 3.5%. Today it's 1.6%. The replacement rate, in other words, the amount of fertility that you need in order to keep your population even is 2.1%. We are below replacement right now. And then he continued, today, the average teenager has 50% of the sperm count as a 65-year-old man. Our girls are hitting puberty six years earlier and that's bad and this is what he ended on also our parents aren't having children so apparently if you're unvaccinated you don't know what the word

parent means yeah right it it uh i think the sperm count in the kennedy clan is about a hundred percent, but luckily the abortion rate's about 97%. Yeah, and there's still tons of them. By the way, girls are hitting puberty six years earlier, so... Well, what are we going to believe him? But go ahead. So what are they like seven? I know.

I mean, is this something that he also noticed while walking through airports? You remember that story? No, what was that one? He based all this, like, childhood nutrition problems on the fact that he's noticing how fat kids are in airports. Oh, he was in O'Hare, yeah. Yeah, right. That was definitely a Midwestern airport.

Totally. That was not LAX. Prince Andrew gives up royal titles, including Duke of York, after a discussion with the king. He said, we have concluded the continued accusations about me, distract from the work of his majesty and the royal family. So he's going to remain a prince, but will cease to be the Duke of York, a title he received from his mother, the late Queen Elizabeth. He's still, though, he's going to get a new title,

which is Sir Rapes a Lot. That's perfect. Yeah. And we are double off the algorithm. I was going to say grapes a lot and just trust that people knew what I was saying, but you already told me we're off it. Wait, does this mean he will stop fondling girls dressed up as princesses? I don't think it means that at all.

You're reading into your own stuff. the Duke of Pork that's it yeah is this me here I think it's you all right a Wikipedia conference in Manhattan

descended into chaos Friday when an unhinged Ohio man jumped on stage and pointed a gun at his own head Connor Weston who had a sign around his neck with the words oh okay anti anti-contact

non-offending pedophobic pedophers file and we are off the algorithm a third time in 11 minutes he was tackled this and disarmed by staff uh in a post on x in june he explained that he is quote fundamentally against adult minor relations because i know that they are harmful i don't have any urges that i have to control just like how most straight men don't have the urge to rape again off every woman they meet pedophilia is not a choice i can choose to not harm minors but i cannot choose to stop being attracted to them all right i get it i well i don't get it i kind of sort of mildly get it but i also don't see myself wearing a sign that says non-offending guy who watches check hidden camera massage porn you know

keep some thanks to yourself yeah it's a little out there but i don't understand is a pedophile who says he cannot control his attraction to kids, aims a gun at his head, and people risk their lives to disarm him. Right, right. Yeah. What is happening there? Yeah, yeah.

I hope they'd also risk their lives to jump in front of him in a six-year-olds. I don't know. Is he pointing a gun at his head? His own head, not the kid's head. All right, let's get to it. Ethical question. Ethical question, here we go.

All right, it's my turn, and I got one. and where is it? Here we go. Should I keep donating? I love it. Should I keep donating to an animal shelter that treats employees badly? Interesting. Right?

Well, as former writers on the Ellen DeGeneres show, I think I can relate to this. Okay. I mean, in other words, should you still love Ellen, who's raised millions of dollars for charities, and indeed told people to be kind. Oh, yeah. Now, can you still support her knowing that she is unkind to the people that work for her? And I would say, now that I'm a little distanced from it,

yes, yes, the overall goodness outweighs the smaller amounts of psychic damage being played out. All right, I like it. That's a good one. I mean, I'm tired of bitching about Ellen. I'm a 59-year-old grown man with kids. What am I going to sit around acting like I got, you know, bitch slapped by, I've worked for worse. I really have.

No, no, it's not true. But close, I've worked for bad people before, as you have. It's just, it's part of the job. It's not that big a deal. Right. Look at you letting it go. Letting it go. Can you hear the lack of rage in my voice?

Maybe it's because you've been walking around in a circle. with that scooter with one knee up on top of it. It's not exactly a parallel, but I do remember. So Santa Monica has a farmer's market, a big one on Sundays down on Main Street. Oh, I know what you're going to talk about. So they used to have the little ponies and pony rides. And everyone will put their kids on. Well, boy, the protesters came out.

Oh, wait, no, but you're not, explain how the pony ride actually worked. So let's say it's a crossbar, right, like a big plus sign. long metal poles and at the end of the pole a pony is tied like his his whatever his headdress thing i don't know what it's called the bit in his mouth is tied to this pole and they walk around in a circle and a tight circle pretty yeah pretty tight circle and then there's you know you put kids on and there's a giant line that everyone put their kids on and then of course with each they have a hand a ranch hand or whatever who is walking with besides each kid as they go so they don't fall off but they're strapped in anyway protesters of course

come out and they are just screaming and i remember one time i'm standing there nearby watching this because the protesters i just loved how like i thought they were going to start throwing blood and i just love to kind of laugh at them a little but this one person like gets in my face because i think they think i'm a parent online for this thing and they're like look at them look at the deadness in their eyes just look how drug they are and just and look how miserable and unhappy they are. I'm like, are you talking about the ranch hands? Because that's exactly what you're describing.

Or the mothers of the children. Are far more miserable right now and baked than those animals. Oh my God, they were real carnies. They were true carnies. And I mean, and you think, all right, you think these animals are being, hey, go down to Mexico. See what's going on with those ponies. Well, they like some of it, I think. Yeah, well.

All right, we get in entertainment? Here we go. You put this story in. I didn't know about this one. There's no interest in the effects of cocaine on babies following accusations that Kevin Federline, whatever happened to him. 47 lodged against ex-Britney Spears, 43. In his book, Fetterline claims that he watched Spears do cocaine with an actress at an album party in 2000. shortly after the birth of their younger son, Jaden James.

Their older son was one at the time. Federline said that he confronted the singer, pleading with her not to go home and breastfeed the kids like this. Call your mom or someone. We need to get formula. You can't do this. Spears has dismissed the memoir as allegations as white lies. She dismissed these allegations as white lines.

Right. and then the baby apparently started talking early and then wouldn't shut the fuck up more yeah and then was not interested in eating for two days it's cute he's calling uh he's calling her a singer that's cute that he's added that in there that's how he identifies her but listen let's be real cocaine's going to be the least of these kids problems the kid's biggest problem is detailed

right there on the birth certificate mother brittany spears father Kevin Federer. Yeah. That's the damage. Yeah, it doesn't take a palm reader to say where this life is headed. And by the way, this wouldn't be the first guy jacked up on Coke to be sucking on those titties. Back on the algorithm. I think that one gets us back on.

Let's make America, Florida. Here it goes. Parents accused, you sent this one to me, parents accused of leaving a teen on the side of the interstate with a bag of handguns and told them to fend firm. himself. The teen said that when he got home from school, the couple informed him they were taking a trip. When he returned from walking the family dog, he saw they were frantically throwing clothes in the duffel bags and loading them into their car. When the vehicle got on the interstate, the teen told the couple he did not want to go on the trip, which he was told was either to Guam or Idaho. First of all, what a dumb kid. Both are way better options than Florida. But

And by the way, do you ever leave a house in Florida where you're not frantically throwing clothes into a duffel bag? That's true. Listen, we've narrowed it down to Guam or Idaho. At that point, the teen told police the couple pulled over to the side of the road, gave him two bags containing a 40-caliber handgun, a 9-millimeter handgun, and some cash. And they, first of all, this is a dream for a teen in Florida. Yeah, right. I know my mom used to send me off with a bag lunch and 75 cents for $0. cart and a milk.

And they told them to get out of the car and take care of the house as they drove away. This is the new home alone. When police took the teen home, they found the garage door and the front door of the home wide open. The police entered the home to investigate. They found the home to be cluttered in disarray with firearms lying out in the open. Police were able to track the couple's phones to an address where local police found and detained them.

Santos and Borja have been charged. it sounds like they're going to Guam, have been charged with neglect of a child without great bodily harm. Santos has also been charged with allowing a juvenile to have a possession of a firearm. He should have gotten the gun from his folks, carjacked the family car, and gotten himself home. Yeah. So they took the guns away from the kid, and now all the kids in school are teasing him to be the only kid and only teen without guns. y'all don't have a gun y'all don't have a gun

we are making America Vermont again we are smoking through this episode sounds like someone's wife is going to be at the airport in about 15 minutes this was sent into us from Dan teacher was so high on cocaine

she thought one of her students was her dog that's the headline Melissa Martin 47 a substitute teacher at barre it's Barry Barry Barry Barry Barry Town Middle and elementary. We're going to get a correction on that. Elementary school pleaded not guilty on Thursday

to charges of cocaine possession and reckless endangerment after she was caught with cocaine on the job. The town police were called to the primary school during the late morning hours after reports of an adult under the influence of drugs. One mother identified only as Brittany said her eighth grade son was in Martin's class,

that's the teacher, that day, and immediately noticed something was wrong. According to Brittany's son, Martin had been nodding on Miss Martin had been nodding off during class before suddenly running out of the room. So he followed her and I guess found her and Miss Martin said to him, Hey, Teddy, why are you off your leash? And my son was like, what? And Brittany said that she later learned that Teddy is Miss Martin's dog.

The worst part is Miss Martin was having all the students lick peanut butter off of her. Yeah. Well, look, you know, some of these kids have peanut allergies, so that's not okay. No. I just don't know. I'm shocked that on a teacher's salary, she can afford to do cocaine.

We are overpaying these bitches. Apparently she had an honor, and there was more details in the article, and then she also had more in her backpack. Damn. Yeah. Tell her to get on Oxy, like the rest of the staff.

No doubt. All right, do we want to do... Yeah, let's do the sports story real quick. Oh, let's get darker. Here we go. Sports. A former NFL player who is now a Tennessee high school football coach was arrested in a prostitution sting

after he allegedly paid to have sex with what he thought was a 16-year-old girl. Jay Graham allegedly responded to a fake adult escort website and agreed to pay $120 for sex. 120, that's a steal. Even after the person he thought he was talking to said she was underage, Graham 50 was taken into custody on Wednesday when he arrived at a Nashville hotel and handed the cash to someone who was actually an undercover cop.

He was charged with patronizing prostitution with a minor, blah, blah, blah. He spent five years in the NFL. He played for the Ravens, the Seahawks, and the Packers. and he finished his career with 454 yards and two touchdowns. I mean, look, Sacks with a 16-year-old from Tennessee. Talk about fantasy football. I mean, how old was Elvis's bride? I think younger than that.

Yeah. And by the way, an escort service, most high school coaches down south, don't they just bang the cheerleaders? They're right there. It's a home game. I'm going to say he works in a high school. I can't believe the story isn't set there. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's like shop local, support local.

As if Tennessee football in general didn't have enough problems. Yeah. This guy. All right, are we going to this day in history? Let's go to this day in history. Here we go. All right, we got, I looked all this up in a car, and here we go. The American sitcom Roseanne premiered on ABC and became,

a hugely popular hit what year give or take four years did rosanne premiere 1989 wow 1988 i was thinking about it because norm macdonald was one of the original writers and i was thinking about so he wasn't big yet but he was getting there nice um okay let's see which one do I do we have Chuck you choose Chuck Berry or Thomas Edison Chuck Barry both very inventive yes American singer-songwriter and guitarist Chuck Barry was born on this day in what year give or take eight years 1937 you missed it 1926 no yes Holy shit

Al Capone was convicted of federal income tax evasion and sentenced to 11 years in prison on this day on what year, give or take, five years. 1984. Man, 31. This could be going better for you. Have you not gotten one?

I got one. I got Rosanne. Oh, you did get Rosanne. By one year. All right. I think you would get that one. Okay, Mother Teresa. Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, on the heels of Trump being robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize,

Mother Teresa was awarded the Nobel Prize. On this day, in what year, give or take, five years? Five years. Jesus. The Nobel Prize for Peace. Ninety-nine. It's exactly 1979. No shit.

No shit. Hey now. You shouldn't say that right around. her. All right. Last one. Evil Knievel was born on this day. We love evil Knievel. In what year, give or take eight years? 1943. You got it in 1938. I thought you were going to go earlier than that. Well, I remember when I was 10 was 1976. Good story. You got it. Let's move on. We are going to. And I figured he was about 30 years old then. Letters to the.

editor here it is oh it's me it's my turn uh this is from toby i miss the good news with gubbins section you should sprinkle that in once a month or so for us long time listeners uh all right let's talk about gubbins for a minute what's going on with him he um he's getting knee surgery he's getting knee surgery when when he got his last knee surgery surgery I swear to God, it was like he went into hospice. He demanded that everybody visit him three times a week with casseroles and weed gummies and hold his hands. I was expecting a little baby gubbins over there.

Like, did he give birth naturally at home without a doula? Oh, my God. Yeah. He is, yeah, he's like, it's so funny because he's tough in some ways. and he's such a little baby in others. I'm just picturing his face as Evens listens to this. It's not good. Hopefully what I just said made him laugh,

but now he's back to rage. Yep. Watch his golf game's going to get down the toilet again. He was just getting good again. Related, he has a one of those electric bikes or electric assist bicycles that everyone seems to have on the west side of Los Angeles. And three times. And let's say there's only been.

six times i'm not even kidding you half the time he'll he'll like hey man i'm going over like whatever to sunset or you want to meet so i'll be like yeah i'm here so i go down and meet him he has his bike and uh he's now walking it because i'm walking and he's why and all of a sudden i'd be like oh my god i did it again i left the thing on this battery drained so fast and he is furious that he has to ride a bicycle home without the electric assist it's as if It's as if the wheels lock and he has to pick up the heavy bike and carry it home. I know. It's like when I'm having sex with my wife and her vibrator dies.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, I got to do all the heavy lifting now. That is a lot of heavy lifting, yeah. And now she has probably has to think about you. That's right. Because the music stops. Obituary. Here we go. This happened, I think yesterday.

Paul Daniel Ace freely, co-founder and lead guitarist of the legendary rock band Kiss and a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. How the fuck did they get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when bad company is not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Is this a joke? Swing, anyone with that bad company reference, but he was 74. He was the co-founders, Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Peter Chris. They formed it in 72. He remained with the band for their most significant eras. And then he left in...

More like errors. Right. But yeah, you know, my buddy Weinstein, who knows more about music than anyone I know. He is bummed about it. But I think there's like a way to look at them that I've never kind of considered before. To answer your question,

why they're in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But I was never really a big fan. But boy, I mean, I was in grammar school when they hit. And it was gigantic. Oh, I loved all their song. Oh. Okay. They had one song.

Oh, I literally thought you said songs. No. No, no, no. Come on. They had a handful. I want to rock in from all night. Oh, yeah. You're kidding.

And then what was the other one? Rock City, Beth. They were big, man. Oh, God. I just, I just funny, like, I was talking to dicky about this and he's like he's like i just think it's so funny that you got all these guys today that are so anti-trans and they're like i wish things to go back to the way they used to be when things were normal you know when there was bands like you know Iggy pop and

david bowie and kiss oh not only that but it's like my kids of course became obsessed with harry styles and i like them too but it was after a while and i wasn't like i'm going to rain on their parade. I'm like, you know, the guy I really like, you know, I'll play and I tell them, you know, that guy, Mc Jagger, I go, let me show you some pictures of Mc Jagger. It's, I am not even kidding you. It's like you told AI put styles in the 1960s. And it's Jagger. I mean, with lipstick, with the, with the blouses with, I mean, not. And then, of course, women's clothing, they're even more extreme than that. But I mean, completely playing with that line and looks like them yeah by the way this is my favorite part of the obit it said that um when all four members of

kiss released solo album simultaneously many fans felt that free lees which featured his hit cover of the song new york roof was the best yeah yeah it was and i felt that when saved by the bell went off the air screech really had the most interesting solo career you weren't impressed i take it You were not impressed. Oh, God. All right. We're going to go to the funnies. Let's cheer up after Ace freely died.

I went to, we're going to start it off with the onion. And the onion's headline was Mom Donnie, the guy running for the socialist, as they say, running for mayor, refuses to share plan for making rich richer. Wait, I thought he's the guy that's going to take money from the rich. That's exactly what the onion's getting at, see? Oh, see, in other words, you have to have a plan to make the rich richer to get elected. Exactly. Yeah, I saw Bernie go off on. Like, he's just not, he's denying that he has it, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it is crazy in this country. The billionaires are making more and more and more, and the working class is voting to give them tax breaks while they cut their fucking health insurance. What's going on in this country? Crazy. The funnies as we do,

the comedy caption contest every week. You guys write in your punchlines to one frame of a comic that we provide to you. We put in the finalists, select a winner, and that person receives free of charge a coozy sent hot off the desk. I'll admit, I'm a little behind.

I got to get them out. Send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com and just please put your name directly underneath your punchline and that will make it so much easier for me and my time saving efforts here with Sunday papers. Last week's comedy caption was it looks like, you know, the safari in Africa and you see mountains in the background and just. giraffs in the background, and in the foreground, we have three zebras that are striped, and one of them has polka dots. It's that simple. Yeah. Zach from Yuma said, oh, great, another DEI hire. All right.

That's not bad. Yeah, I guess that's their job, I guess. Harold said, there goes the Savannah. Okay, yeah, it's a different looking type. Yep. Rich Boucho said, I guess they skipped the measles vaccine. Rich on the vaccine issue. Kelly Hatfield said, for God's sake, Frank,

I warned you about the giraffe bachelor parties. Okay, okay. Tim Began said Bobby didn't believe in the measles vaccine and the lions were able to pick him off the next day. Nice used to the little word Bobby there. So I only picked five this week. I didn't pick a lot. Oh.

Some were a little off the mark this week. But I feel like there's some good ones in here. You pick the winner then. I like the first one. Oh, great, another DEI hire. I just like the wording. It's a good, well-worded joke. Yeah, it's a MAGA joke.

We like it. Okay. So, Zach, from you, where the fuck's Yuma, first of all? Is that California? I don't know, but I'm going to have to write that address on an envelope about a year or two from now. All right, next week, you guys, this one's interesting. It's a doctor. He's an old doctor.

He's bald. His glasses are on the tip of his nose like bifocals. He's got a stethoscope. And he's got a rubber glove on his hand. And he is standing behind what looks like the buttocks of an animal. What animal does that look like to you? I don't know what this is, man. Let's just say for the sake of this, that it's a...

cow okay let's say it's a cow for the sake of the contest uh the cow has is presenting the ass to the doctor who has a glove on his hand and he's looking at the camera it looks like he's cross-eyed this is going to be a tough one to write a funny line for well proctology jokes usually spill right out of the pen all right all right uh let's go to the pros hagger is standing uh he's walking out of a castle with his goons They're carrying treasure chests, and one guy's got a bag full of gold coins. And the king is standing there, and he goes, are you going to set my castle on fire when you leave? And a hacker goes, of course not.

We can't carry away all your treasures in one day. By the way, have your wife slip into something sexy on Thursday, will you? Yeah. Because she's about to get raped. Grape, Scott. Now we go down to the lockhorns where they are sitting around a card table and they are playing the game Clue. And Loretta says to Leroy, must you always guess in the kitchen for the murder? She's good.

Now we are in a men's clothing store. Leroy has on a horrible-looking, zigzag-colored jacket. and Loretta's got her back to him and he goes, I can hear your eyes rolling. Yes, good. She's totally looking the other way. I think he's right. And finally, the two of them are looking at the laptop.

And Loretta says to Leroy, there's suspicious activity on our checking account. Someone made a deposit. The old couples with the financial issues. I like it. Yeah, they seem to. really spend their money and not earn enough of it.

Right. Finally, Dagwood sits. His little bony ass is in that overstuffed white chair. I don't know why they get a white chair for this guy who's constantly dribbling meatball sauce and God knows what else.

He's watching the TV. He's got the remote in his hand. And from the TV it says new from the people who brought you the price is right. It's The wife is right. Blondie's off camera, says what? And he goes, huh?

Now she walks in. She's got on a white skirt, kind of like a sandal. She's got a sandal that really shows off the contour. She's got a good ankle. And it just blends right into that bowling pin of a calf. She has on, what color would you call that top? Sort of a chartreuse? I mean, it's light pink.

I don't know. I don't know fancy colors. It's a light pink and we've got... It looks peach almost. It's like a light peach and it's a profile shot so you can see the 34D bosom is pronounced. It's out there. And so now the TV says one lucky husband will guess why his wife is right and maybe win a brand new car. And then she goes, wait, honey, I want to record season one.

And he goes, this is going to be a long season. What do you think he means by that? it seems to me that whatever she says should be right she shouldn't be needing to record a show about the wife being right assume you're wrong all the time I think it's going to be a long seat go ahead sorry just take the beta position on this Dagwood and count your fucking blessings just just be glad this woman

is tolerating you I think it's going to be a long season because Dagwood is taking it very literally and he's like, I don't think any husband can guess what his wife is thinking. Yes. It's going to be just missed guesses all season long. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what's going on there.

It's a great premise. Great premise on Blondy this week. Don't forget, folks. We got a big benefit this week. All the comics are coming out with love in their hearts. Andrew Santino and Craig Robinson and Ron Funches come out to the best buddies benefit at the L.A. Comedy

store, October 26th, and then I'm coming to Chicago, Lafayette, Phoenix, fitzdog.com for tickets. Mike, anything you want to promote? Oh, man. Nope. The Grand Canyon? Your national parks. There you go. Oh, by the way, they're all free because of the shutdown.

No way. And most of them are like a depressing sign in the window that just says closed, enter the park, go ahead, like the office, the gates closed. and then when we went into one of the Yellowstone entrances, a woman was there, listen to this thankless job. She was there. She handed us the map and the, you know, whatever information on the park. And then I went to present my card because I'm a cardholder.

And she's like, no need and there's no fee. Go ahead and enjoy. And she's still out of work. I don't know if she's getting paid. Huh. I know. Wow. So do we have to pay taxes?

this year what do we have to pay taxes this you know a lot of people are not are not paying right what do you mean oh it's we can cover next week why don't we do that story a lot of people are writing exempt on their returns because they don't want to support this government and what they're doing and that they will make it up when things turn around or something so or they're not giving them they're not giving them the money to hold on new now because they they don't trust them or whatever it is so i guess when they file they'll pay what they owe maybe i guess well i know gavin newsom is saying why are we paying uh a uh an extra however many billions of dollars that california pays when we're not getting bailed out when we have a donor state why are we a donor state that's not getting

any money back in taxes we just won't pay our taxes to the federal government it's all going it's all going really well it's going pretty well so hang in there america uh this will be airing the day after the no king no kings march so we'll see it the love i love america day because fox is of course calling it they hate america march yeah because yeah expressing your your right to protest in this country is now anti-american it's the most american thing you can do uh of course we'll see how many goons get let loose into the peaceful crowd to start shit for headlines i have to find a king no king's rally in montana tomorrow hmm i don't think you're going to find one of those in montana

i'm like a cattle prodded oh my god all right well listen this is our shortest sunday papers in history we're under an hour but uh it's an hour but look mike is on vacation with his family i got my wife coming in we'll do a longer one next week we want to thank our sponsor and encourage you guys again get involved with uncommon goods you can find something unique and support a local business handcrafted stuff. Go to Uncommonogoods.com slash papers and get 15% off. All right, I guess we'll see you guys next week. Take it ish.

Dang itish. All right. It's the Sunday papers, baby. I'll read all about it now. It's the Sunday papers, baby. Baby, now be all about it now. Hey, it's the Sunday papers podcast. My Greg and Mike.

Yeah, they're gonna deliver the news. Greg and Mike. The sufficiently funny guys. And hey, they read the comics too. Greg and my, Greg and Mike. It's the Sunday favorites, baby. baby and read all about it now

it's the Sunday babies baby now read all about it now read all about it read all about it