Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 288 11/9/25

Episode Date: November 9, 2025

A 6-yr-old shoots his teacher, a Waymo runs over a cat and KY residents are furious they couldn’t vote for the NYC mayor. ⁠WWW.UNCOMMONGOODS.com/PAPERS⁠⁠⁠⁠ for 15% off! Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Concerned by your gambling or that if someone close, you call 1866-3-3-1-2-60 or visit comixonterio.ca. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers, Extra edition. We haven't taken a break in a while. we're here we're queer wild someone the other day goes yeah and what is your friend had what does he scream at the top of the podcast i don't know if i have successfully blocked it out i couldn't remember you yell read all about it how about that wow that's like i should go get

checked out i think well you and i were just talking about a woman that we both know very well you've hired her on a show. I have worked with her many, many, many times. And I had to Google her to remember her name because neither of us could remember it. Oh, man. It's like, it's debilitar. I'm 59. I can't imagine what this is going to be like in another 10 years. I think we're more ready for it than the regular bear. In other words, I think we've been, I mean, my name recall has been the worst thing ever my whole life. Yes. So I think I'm ready for it. By the way, okay, so let's say it gets worse.

So in all the cases that I can't remember anything, technically I don't think that can get worse. I can't remember a name so I can't remember it worse. Yeah. So those will be the same. It'll just be more of them, I guess. I was in the green room at the comedy store talking to two comedians. Who shall go nameless for a few reasons. It's the, Ali Wong was one of them.

And we were talking about directing specials. And I said, oh, I directed two specials for this comic. And they said, what's his name? And I literally blanked on his name. And they both stared at me and they stared at each other. And Ali goes, that's really weird. Yeah. And his name is Zane Lamprey.

It's a weird fucking name to remember. Right. But he's really good comic. We spent weeks together. I forgot his fucking name. I mean, there might be listeners who know little hacks and cheat codes to do this. But yeah, a lot of times your story just resonated with me because a lot of times it's when there's pressure on. And then I think that's a very big part of the ADD.

And you can't stay focused on the image. of their face or what letters come to mind when you're trying to recall someone's name. And a lot of what I think about in those instances is not being able to think about it. Right. And fear, really. And you have to make associations like, Zane sounds like insane. So I have to think about him being a crazy person. Right.

And then it'll come to me. Yeah. So, anyway. So I am recovering from knee surgery that I got on Monday. Oh, yeah. I had, it's no big deal. It was like a- Quick recovery so far. Yes, it was a meniscus tear.

And so you're up the next day. They want you on the exercise bike for 10 minutes. I've been doing the exercise bike every day. I've been doing my leg lifts. They gave me opioids to take, which I took on the first day. and I don't know if you remember this, but I had a kind of a little addictive six months with them after my shoulder surgery, like 10 years ago.

I don't remember it that much, but you were the best version of yourself. Is that what you're referring to? Yes, it helps a lot. You might not remember me talking about it, but you might remember me slipping off into your bathroom during a dinner party at your house for an extended period of time

and some noise and some noise going on in your medicine. cabinet. Okay. And so it was bad. It was really bad. I was taking like three or four a day. I did not need them for the pain anymore. And coming off of it was probably the darkest two days of my entire life. It was brutal. And so they gave me these opioids and I said to myself, don't take these. But the pain was really bad. So I took it for one day. And of course, immediately, I'm supposed to take two. I took like five and so I woke up the next day in a deep depression and I and it's taken me like two or three days of depression to come out of it again. I just realized I can't take

this shit. Oh wait a minute. So you mentioned this right before we pressed record. I thought you were saying or maybe you're adding to it but that it was the surgery and being under and that that's what you've been sent you downward yes i think it's a combination of when you well because first of all when they put me under they used propofal which is fine there's no hangover from propofal i would even argue you feel better when you come out of it but then they put me on some heavy narcotic while i was under and that that set me off so uh yeah i got to stick to mushrooms and a very occasional edible marijuana that's it that's that's my drug intake that i can handle Wow, all right.

And no booze. So you're giving the extra pills to our friend? Yep. All right. I like it. Everybody's got a friend that's that as soon as you get surgery, they call you and they're not checking in on you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

That's funny. Dinner this week was fun and you were two days out of surgery when we had dinner? Yep. picked you up and had the seat all back for you and you walk out with a cane took me by surprise yeah um and i appreciated you driving until i remembered the way you drive to places which is utter insanity and it's so indicative of your personality no all you had to do is take venice Boulevard to Fairfax, and you had to go left here, right here. At one point, you went over a curb to get onto the 10.

You told me to. No, you said, should I? And I said, yeah, if it's your car, fucking do it. And another point, you drove into a road that said, do not enter. That's a bullshit rich street that they've tried to stop the traffic, and they say it's a dead end, and it's not. We made no less than 35 turns. It should have been three.

I changed it for you because I know you're such a pussy with that. And we took Venice almost all the way. And then I checked with you and I said, all right, it says we can go on. You're like, go on the 10. That would be better because you like the 10 because there's less turns. So we got on the 10. And then I took your advice. Keep in mind, you go take this exit, which was Sienega.

and you're going to drive through it and not exit and then you're going to get to Fairfax. We did it. It became a parking lot. And then I said, this is so boring. But I'm like, look, I'll drive over this embankment, which was pretty steep at that point to get back on the highway. You're like, do it.

That's exactly how it went. I just think if anybody wants to know your personality, take a car ride with you at rush hour. You saved a prox. approximately three minutes. I also vow to myself, I'm moving out of this city. Yeah. It took us, all right, how far was the restaurant?

Eight miles. Eight miles. Let's say the restaurant was eight miles. Hour and 20 minutes. Yep. And that's, and as Greg just said, it would have been an hour 30 plus. But I shaved some serious time off of that. And then we get there and they're like, oh, we could have met on the west side.

Oh, my God. Yeah. How about those guys, what you'm going to call it, Ubering there? Yeah, that's the move. From the valley. That's the move. They had two drinks over a two-hour period. Yeah.

That's not a concern. No. But it was fun. And so I'm off to Chicago tomorrow. Here's my deal. I have to fly with my bad knees. So they're picking me up in a wheelchair when I get to the airport, which I don't even know. are works but we've arrived i've reserved we have arrived so uh so they pick me up and then they take

me in but with the tsa thing i don't know if my flight oh shit i didn't plug my headphones in fuck oh look at you so this will sound a little funky for a while i got a what you what's i'm call it notice from wait to you hear this one from i'm flying tomorrow to flora flight's not canceled yet but jet blue go ahead. Finish your wheelchair. Yeah, so whether or not my flight goes, I don't know. Then I get to Chicago and there's going to be a snowstorm. And then I have to go in a car three hours to Wisconsin to do a show Sunday night. And then hope my flight from a small airport in Appleton, Wisconsin, connecting through Chicago during a snowstorm, during a TSA shutdown, somehow makes it back

on Monday with my bad leg and a wheelchair. Wow. Yeah. That's rough. Listen to this. This is JetBlue. By the way, this has nothing to do with the delays. Hi, Michael.

We have some important information about your upcoming JetBlue flight from L.A. We recently moved our operations at LAX. This is important for anyone to know out here. From Terminal 5 to Terminal 1. So all of JetBlue moved. That's pretty big. you'll now check in and go through security terminal one all right here's a message that you and i just sort of smirk at and never think about again uh to ensure a smooth travel experience

please plan accordingly flights departing from gates 12 to 18 you should arrive at least two hours before departure hold on flights departing from gates 100 to 235 which sounds like most of them You have to arrive three hours before your scheduled departure. You and I are deep REM state three hours before our flight departs. Are you kidding me? Well, if you're going in at Terminal 1 and the flight is at Terminal 4, that means that you have to go through the airport on foot three entire terminals. So what they've clarified some of this, the three hours.

My flight is less than three hours. What you have to do is you have to go through Terminal 1 security, then take a dedicated shuttle bus to your gate. Okay. That's a problem, JetBlue. That is a problem. Man, Thanksgiving is going to be a disaster around the country. I'm so glad I'm not going anywhere. Oh, God.

And we'll see if I get back. I guess I'm risking that. I'm supposed to come back on Tuesday going down to hang with dad. Nice. Yep. See how that's going. And, yeah. I think I'm going to New York.

Oh, what's going on? Mom Donnie? What do you think of the Mom Donnie when? You know, this is the best part of Mom Donnie and loving it and rooting for it and excited to see the disruption is I don't live there. Yeah. So I don't know. It's very easy to be on the outside.

I actually liked his acceptance speech. It was, first of all, he told you what he'd do, very clear terms. And, you know, there's all these naysayers, but then, you know, most of the naysayers wear Rolexes. So take that with a grain of salt. That he can run the city. It's like, you don't, he's not doing this alone. He's going to hire like the smartest, best people.

One thing, though, for the political junkies out there, he hired. hired, and I should know her name, he hired a woman. His transition team is all women. And one of them, this guy did a start as men and they transition to women? That's exactly. It's a team and it's a team effort. Right. Hold on here. Let me see if I have it. But this woman apparently she's like, she is the most feared woman in corporate America. She's the one like with all these consumer protection, like for instance, that it needs to be by law one click to unsubscribe, you know, from anything corporate. Oh, I love it.

Exactly. All that stuff. So wait, with props, we have to give it up. Ready? No longer need to blaze him in order to build election hype. However, picking Lena Khan as the chair of your transition team. Wait, this guy's hysterical about it. Day one, and this motherfucker has chosen the nuclear option.

I saw the news and I was like, oh. So he calls her the nuclear option because she's like, she has caused more nightmares in Silicon Valley than anybody else. She holds them accountable. She's all about consumer advocacy and just slowing down the absolute billionaire role with how much they can exploit consumers in the public. Yes. That's amazing.

Yeah. And then you got these billionaires that are red face going, well, guess what? I'm moving to Florida. And it's like, okay, so you make $20 million a year and you're angry that you have to give an extra million back to the city? What kind of piece of shit are you that you're going to pick up and move? Good. Fucking go. Somebody else will pick up the slack.

Also, I saw someone go, all right, Mom Donnie's a little. elected, and now all these billionaires and millers are telling us they're going to move. Here you go. Guess what? Don't tell us. Just do it. Just go. Stop. Why are you announcing it? Who gives a shit? Get the fuck out. Yes. The business will still take place in New York, and it'll be a young, hungry entrepreneur that probably has better ideas than you. Corporate tax rates were so giant, like before Reagan ruined our country. Corporate tax rates were so high, and everybody including the corporations benefited. Did you see Billy Eilish give $10 million to a charity or more?

And then there were billionaires in the room. And she goes, if you're a billionaire, you're a piece of garbage. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why aren't you giving your money away? Wow. Yeah, it was pretty cool. And what's his name? I always forget his name.

The bald guy from NYU professor of economics. He said the same exact thing this week. He's like, what are you doing? Yeah. If you're not, like, how do you not have the best name and reputation as a super generous person? No, as bad as the robber barons were, you know, they set up, you know, the libraries and the museums and orphanages. They, you know, they were involved. I mean, they sucked.

They were just as shitty as the billionaires today. But at least they made an attempt to do good stuff. I was trying to think of. Oh, yeah. No, I just drove through Teton National Park, Yellowstone, and made my way up to Glacier. The Rockefellers bought almost the entire run I made and prohibited and gave it to national, you know, made them donated to national parks, or some of them are still in their name, absolutely protected.

Zero development allowed. They preserve that one. Now, what's this about Palm Beach, speaking of rich people? Oh, well, I'm going down there, and I was going to make it a story, but it's not really a story. But the insanity I'm about to go to, and we have a Florida man story about Palm Beach also. But there is a tear-down house, and this was a headline in the Wall Street Journal. I'll just read the headline. A potential tear-down in Palm Beach hits the market for $185 million.

Wow. like okay damn and you know the crazy thing is in 10 years it's going to be worth $230 million those properties just keep on going up there these like you look at these Beverly Hills property every celebrity they always list when they sell their properties they all double in five or six years and I think part of it is them having their name on it a little but I you know I'd watch what you say about beachfront property in Florida right Because there could be some, first of all, I don't, I mean, this, that guy doesn't need insurance. But insurance is almost impossible now since that Miami building collapse.

So especially in taller buildings, which are not primary, you know, homes. But still, insurance because of all of the storms, never mind the corrosion in the other, other like condo buildings. But the storms now, insurance companies are losing money. Well, not only that, but all these, including my mother's building, because of that Miami building collapsed, they're forcing them to do structure, huge structural changes. Like my mother's building had balconies. Every unit had a balcony. And this is a, you know, seven-story block long building. They said they had to take all the balconies down. They spent three years with unbelievable construction noise. taking down. And so, of course, there was assessments. It was like a $100,000 assessments for everybody in the building. Yep. Yeah, no, I think my dad's building just got hit with assessments. I'm not kidding. I think it was $250,000. Like, under your door comes

a bill like, oh, you owe the HOA, $250,000. And like, you're like, oh, well, he's living in a rich place. It's like, well, that is actually beside the point. This is literally what it would have cost, poor people, anything. It's the bill for retrofitting and checking out all the infrastructure of your building, the metal that has corroded or whatever it is, and then the slew of inspections to get it up to snuff. At a certain point, you've got to go, all right, how old am I? What are the chances of this happening? And how bad would it be to just get crumbled in a building?

Like, it happens. Right. Except you didn't have a choice there. You know, what happens with the assessments is they have a program set up where you can, they can lend you money so you get on a payment plan if you can't do it. Otherwise, you gone. Wow. It's not like, like so my, most people in my dad's building, including my dad now, no longer

have insurance. So kind of like what you're saying. They're like, uh, and also, of course, you have to sue the insurance company if God forbid something happens. Right. And FEMA is not around anymore. They've cut and slashed that whole program. Yeah.

So the logo this week is from Lawrence Tarpy. Wait, did we do this last week? I literally thought this was like a joke or since it's twins. Yeah, never mind. Take it out. It's not from Lawrence Tarpie. It's from Bob. And I'm dropping it in right now.

So for those of you at home listening, Greg had the shining logo in there. which was last weekend. But this week's very disturbing faces, which I didn't want to see again. It is. Let's see this logo. Oh, I like this. Yeah. It's us moving Prince Andrew out.

We're carrying a couch. Oh. How about that? The underage couch. How about that picture? Was it Tom that sent us? And it was a picture of Prince Andrew with a purple cape on. And it said, Andrew,

formerly known as Prince. Yeah. Good one. That was a good one. A song this week. Oh my God, I got to say last week's song, people flipped out about how great it was. It was by a guy named Thor.

It was our most commented on song. EPQ said, holy shit, the song from the last episode was simply amazing. Loved, loved, loved. Kelly Cardell said, first off, love the podcast. Second thing.

I'm obsessed with the song for this week's episode. I know you said the artist goes by Thor. Is there another name? Or does he have other songs that are available to listen to elsewhere? We'd love to hear more. So Thor, I believe I asked him and he says he doesn't. But Thor, please email us if you do have other stuff because people, I mean, there's like five other emails. I won't read them all.

Thor's not going to sell out, man. He's pure, pure artist. He doesn't want to sell out. He's Sunday. We have overall exclusive deals with certain songwriters. Searching for Thor. It's like Sugarman. He's like Sugarman.

You got to go find him. This week's song, which is also, I think we're going to get a ton of good feedback on, is from Chris Marr. You did not send it to me. I did not send it to you and I apologize. Sorry, Chris.

I can't wait to hear it. But I can tell you firsthand. It's a great one. I always rank the songs. So I know, like I have a folder with tons of songs in it. and I number them 1 through 10, and this is a 9. Oh, all right.

Hey. Well, I mean, everyone loves hearing you talk about music, so I'm sure these rankings. Sports and music. Send us some more songs. We're always looking for new ones. Send them in. No AI, please. We don't care if it's you.

Wait, why don't? I'm not against AI. Why am I against it? No, I'm not against it. I am. It's a tool. You could use. it? Well, I just feel like it's not fair to the people that take the time and the energy to

make one originally, you know? Because it takes about 30 seconds. I mean, I could make an AI song for the show. How about this, Greg? You, it sounds like, we'll be able to filter them out. You'll know immediately if it's AI. I thought, don't you remember two weeks ago? I thought it was AI and I said it was. And then the guy made us a 20-minute video of him re-recording the song and showing us each track. So I don't know. It's hard to tell sometimes. So that seems to me then your little rules should be thrown out. Have you heard the AI version? They did a 70s soul version of an Oasis song. Yes. It's extraordinary. Yeah. No, it's over. It's over. Yeah. Corrections. Brian G. said during this day in history,

Greg asked about the date of the first thermonuclear bomb test as a PhD nuclear engineer show off. Whoa. Whoa. I thought I'd chime in. The bombs used on Japan were fission devices that used uranium and plutonium as fuel. Thermonuclear weapons

used both fission stage, followed by a fusion stage. I seem to remember this from high school. Allowing for much higher explosive yields. Yields. Good yields. The first test was about 500 times more powerful than the Nagasaki bomb. That's crazy. Russia actually detonated the most powerful bomb ever, a thermonuclear device that was over 2,000 times more powerful than Nagasaki. Hope you sleep well with this information. Take it each.

Oh my God, I saw a thing this week where they talked about it might even been a clip in a show or something, but the North Atlantic nuclear sub-situation with Russia and how much our guard is down. And also, when you see a purge like, and that's what they've defined this as, a purge of our military leadership across all fronts. Oh, yeah, like 25 of the biggest military leaders in the country. That is a real sign of weakness. Yeah.

And especially when they're replacing them with clowns. who have no institutional knowledge of anything related to their job. Yeah. All right. Sleep well. Yeah. Another correction, Joe Blow said point break. Point break is a 90s movie.

Fitzdog must have been thinking of fast break. Fast break. I love fast break. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I loved Gabe. It was in a basketball movie.

I loved Gabe. I mean, Cotter, man. Mr. Cotter. Missouri breaks, 1976. with Marlon Brando. Either way, uttered with Fits Fact, Ultimate Confidence. Sure was, Joe Blow. You want to see confidence.

Check me out in Appleton, Wisconsin. Tonight at Skyline, November 9th, get through the snow. It'll be easy. Lafayette, Louisiana, Club 337 on November 12th. Ticket sales are light. It will not sell out. Then I'll be at Skankfest in New Orleans, Phoenix, at the Desert Ridge Improv, November 28th through 30th.

Then I'll be in San Francisco, Hasbrook Heights, New Jersey, Cleveland, Atlanta. Get tickets at Fitzdog.com. Come out and see some live comedy. There you go. And as long as your wallet is out and Christmas is coming, we here at Sunday Papers would like to endorse a company wholeheartedly. Uncommon Goods is a way for you to get personal, You look through their catalog of homemade one-of-a-kind gifts by independent companies.

They let people feel like you care about it. You didn't just check it off the list and make a 30-second stop at the mall at the gap. You found something that they're going to remember forever. It's a great company. The website is so simple to use. And they also give a dollar back for every purchase that you. you make, they will make a donation to the charity of your choice. They've given over three million dollars to date. They got stuff for teens. They got stuff for maybe you like the kitchen.

Maybe you like sports. My daughter is very, she likes to be comfortable around the house. And so I bought her these slippers. They're like ugs and they smell like lavender. And they are so fluff. They came in the mail. I couldn't believe. the quality for the price. Unbelievable. I'm looking at their stocking stuffers right now. And you know what it is? Unlike when you go, obviously, you could look at a big,

the big bookstore online and say, oh my God, well, maybe they have everything. Here they have things that aren't available. There also, it's so much more of a creative experience going on here. Like, even in this just for friends, I mean, whether it's the hot chocolate on a stick or there's this other one, mystery prize bathtub bomb like there's just like it just seems more creative quirky and personal and then look at this one what is this foul language teetow Greg look this is for you it's

tits and boobies I love it and the algorithm better recognize a tit is a bird that I just said okay that's right so don't wait make this holiday the year you give something uh truly unforgettable To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com slash papers. That's uncommongoods.com slash papers for 15% off. There it is. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

See? All right. You got some crinklage? I do. You know, let's see how these papers have held up. Here we go. What is this? Well, it's a script that has Wolverine and Collier.

Colossus and Cyclops. I don't even know what that is. Probably a student of mine. Here we go. Front page. All right. You don't, sometimes you have the WGA letters

because they crinkle well. I get these checks and it's really hilarious. Like I'll get a stack of five residual checks from SAG AFRA. And then I open them and it, the range is one penny to five pennies on each check. and then I get one out of the mailbox yesterday. I rip it open. I looked down.

It says $233. I was like, finally, some real money. And then I look, and it's the bill that I owe them for my annual dues. That's perfect. Well, just save all those pennies. You'll be set. A jury awarded $10 million to former first grade Virginia teacher, Abby's Werner, who was shot and seriously wounded by a six-year-old student in 2003.

A civil case that accused the school's former assistant principal of ignoring multiple warnings the day of the shooting. She was shot in the hand and chest by a single bullet at Richneck Elementary School in Newport News, Virginia. She spent two weeks in the hospital, had six surgeries. The bullet to her chest narrowly missed her heart and remains lodged there. Oh, cold, cold heart. full use of her left hand and has left teaching. She accused the assistant principal of gross negligence. She said she went to her office the morning of the shooting and said the boy was, quote, in a violent mood and had threatened to beat up another student.

Six. The vice principal had no response to Werner's concerns. Maybe he responded like I did. He's six. Calm down. Right. Right. Well, I guess as a teacher, one thing she doesn't have to teach is that kid had a shoot. Nice, right in the heart. One shot. Listen, I mean, I don't know if she put out her hand to block, you know, and it went through her hand into her boob, where she was touching herself in front of six-year-olds.

Maybe that's why he shot her. I know. And he got both in one shot. Yeah. Maybe he was just trying to shoot the hand probably. Yeah. That is great. When I was in eighth grade, I'm friends with a guy named Johnny Trouble. And he was going to get in a fight with this Puerto Rican kid from the projects. And the Puerto Rican kid had a knife. And so Johnny Trouble was bringing a knife to school the next day. And they were going to have a knife fight in eighth grade. And so I was at dinner with my parents. And my father was talking about, his rough upbringing in the Bronx and how nothing rough ever happens in our lives, like calling us pussies. And they go, oh yeah, Johnny Trouble's going to have a knife fight

tomorrow with Danny Rodriguez. Both names are terrifying. So my father called the school and they had a meeting and they brought Johnny Trouble and Danny Rodriguez into the principal's office and they got the knives out of their lockers and Johnny

got suspended and it was my fault. And it was your first. fault that no one was murdered in the playground. I know, but I got my friends, my friends fucking turned on me for a while for that. I mean, how about a responsive school? That's what that story. Your personal story is about a school that responded. Right.

Well, listen, this should be an encouraging story that everyone likes to just say that teachers are the worst paid. Look, there are success stories. Look at it, look at it, look at it, look how well paid this teacher was. That's right. 10 million. She asked for 40 million, which, you know, how long would it have taken her to make 10 million dollars on a Virginia teacher's salary? What do you think they make 50 grand a year?

I don't know if it's that high, especially in Virginia. I would doubt it's 50 grand. Right, right. And then all the money that they have to put into, personal money that they have to put into, it like every teacher does supplies all that stuff with outrage building over the death of kit cat a feline struck by a waymo in san francisco's mission district a city supervisor has called for legislation allowing counties to ban autonomous vehicles first of all have you been in the mission district you know yeah the cat's the least of their problems down there that's why they're angry

They're like, of all living things to run over, you hit Kit Kat? Right. The resolution that Supervisor Jack Fielder plans to introduce Tuesday would urge state leaders to change how this ride hail technology is regulated. Quote, here on the mission, we will never forget our sweet Kit Kat, and we will always put community before tech oligarchs. She blasted Waymo for not only killing an animal, but causing congestion, collecting using data, and undermining public transit. it. Well, I mean, no one has to wait for this kit cat to cross the street anymore. So maybe it cleared up some congestion. That's right. Yeah. So I guess the beloved bodega cat scurried under a waymo and shocked bystanders.

The poor thing crawled 10 feet to the sidewalk and suffered a hard. This is San Francisco. This is a San Francisco woman talking. The poor thing crawled 10 feet to the sidewalk and suffered a horrible. horrible, horrible, long, unaliving. Unaliving, Greg. Unaliving? I took Perkissette. I took Perkissette from my knee the other night and I was uncoming.

And then I got constipated from it and I was unshitting. Unaliving. All right. They're really using it. Okay. Representatives of Waymo have since tried to make amends with community members who loved the nine-year-old tabby

long a de facto doorman at Rhonda's market next to Roxy. Store patrons knew him affectionately as the mayor of 16th Street. Hey, look, the mayor just sprawled out on the pavement and licked his own asshole. Remember the mayor

used to walk on the catwalk crossing the street? I mean, I think now, hopefully other cats saw this because I think it's going to be like listen when cats now see you know German shepherds or whatever on leashes and other pets around the neighborhood it's got a read on it you know this Kit Kat doesn't freak out every time it sees a German shepherd on a leash it knows it's not going to get but like if a loose coyote was walking around you know Kit Kat would be you know be very different and on guard so now it's going to

to be like, yeah, Toyota Prius, yeah, a wagoneer. It's like, a driverless car. Yeah. That's a different story. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think, I mean, the homeless learned it.

Now the cats will learn it. I took a Waymo from San Francisco. Here's San Francisco in terms of going there. And one of the great things about San Francisco is the people, the beatniks, the poets, the Italians, the Asians. I took a Waymo from the airport to my hotel. My hotel had a personless kiosk to check in, and then I ordered Uber Eats before the show,

and a fucking robot showed up to the hotel, and I had to go down and get the food. I was like, so great getting to know the people of San Francisco. Get a robot massage. It would be perfect. AI porn. Yeah, exactly. Nothing's going to be real.

We're going to be so isolated. After? I like Waymos. I mean, everyone's like, oh, what do you think? I'm like, I can't, I mean, they are so, so much better than L.A. drivers. The only thing is, the complete stop at a stop sign kills me if I'm behind a Waymo. That's the only thing. I was at the store last night.

And I couldn't get in the parking lot because there was a Waymo in the driving. of the employee parking lot and it was just sitting there. Like it had gone to turn around and then it froze and the door guy said that's the sixth one tonight. They're programmed to think

that that's the entrance to the comedy store and then it just freaks out and it shuts down and it doesn't know what to do and they have to call Waymo and they have to come and move it. And I think the laugh factory

is doing this on purpose. This Kit Kat story I think even the Waymo rolled its eyes like guys It's a loose and wild cat That ran under me Yeah After more than two centuries in print The Farmer's Almanac will end its run

With its 2006 edition Long known for weather predictions Moon phases Fishing and gardening guides And Folk Wisdom They had a 208-year legacy. They said it will live on among millions of readers. They called it quits due to the increasing financial challenges of producing and distributing the almanac in today's media environment.

So wait a minute. So they know it will end in 2006? This is the first correct prediction they've made in 200 years. Yeah. Well, also the farmer's almanac is going to be, now it's going to be written by, China. Just like all the soybeans have gone there. Yeah. The farmers are hurting here and it includes their almanac. Yeah. And people that used to read farmers, if anybody who's left reading farmers, they're the ones that don't believe in mainstream media. They just believe in weather predictions

made 12 months earlier. Yeah. Does the corn have a thick husk on it? That means it's going to be cold this year but like what it isn't i just in going through stories i read that there's an arctic freeze predicted i'm wondering if it's because farmer's almanac wrote about it yep i don't know farmer's almanac i wonder if they can tell me about my flight tomorrow come on be yeah i wonder if they even have a website where they update stuff or they just kind of lock in a year before and go nope this is it they focus too much on farm daughter. What was their dating site? What was the farmer's dating site? Yeah, Farmer's daughter. Is that really what it's called? I think so. By the way, how about that restaurant on

Abakini, Butcher's Daughter's Daughter. Have you been there? No. It's either vegetarian or vegan. Yeah. So now I kind of see the cute name that maybe the daughter, you know, fell far from the butcher dad or Butcher mom tree. But it's like, no one's putting that together. I read Butcher's daughter. I think I'm going to get the thickest cut of bacon at breakfast there. Yeah, yeah. Like a butcher's cut.

Yeah. No. It's like, you know, it's broccoli bacon or whatever the hell it is. Oh, it's called Farmers Only, not Farmer's Daughter. Oh, okay. I was just going to look it up. Got it. Farmer's daughter sounds more like, you know, the joke.

There's a million farmer's daughter jokes. Of course. I'm trying to think of one right now. It should be that. Yeah, wasn't there one like, don't put, don't, oh, Mr. Scho even made a song with early, unknown Jack Black singing about putting your pee-pee in a hole in the barn, and the farmer warned him not to, it's all about you can stay here, but I have a really hot daughter.

And guess what? Things happen. Yeah. Do you want to do this turkey story? Americans are bracing to cough up more cash this year for their Thanksgiving feasts. Wholesale turkey prices have spiked 75% since October last year, climbing from 94 cents a pound to a buck 71 a pound last month. Pushing up the high prices are the bird flu outbreaks that are ravaging turkey populations,

significantly reducing the number of turkeys raised. The contagious viral disease has caused the turkey flock in the U.S. to plummet to its smallest size in nearly four decades. Damn. What do you have your norm joke? I was just saying like a norm joke. There's plenty of, it's not a lot of turkeys, there's plenty of turkeys, just go down to Congress.

That's the kind of joke he would have done. I love it. By the way, it mentions up here, the analysis was by Purdue University. Oh. Does Purdue University have anything to do with Frank Purdue? Interesting. To get a tender chicken requires a tough man. What was their slogan? It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken.

I flipped it. Yeah, that's it. Frank Purdue, who reminded me of Ed Koch when I was growing up. He reminded me a Tom Carvel. A little, but he was a tough, bald guy. Did you oversee Tom Carvel? I used to caddy for him. No.

Yep. And his wife would, the caddy master at the country club was very funny. And Frank Purdue's wife was like ditsy and spacey. And she would always miss her golf dates. She would show up on the wrong days. And he goes, she thinks that Wednesday is Sunday. You need to know a Carvel ad to get that joke. Yeah, Carvel might just be an East Coast thing, but that was their slogan is on Wednesday.

Wednesdays, you got like a two-for-one Sunday. And so their slogan was Wednesdays or Sundays at Tom Carvel. So they have Carvel out here. Does Ralphs carry them or something? The Carvel, so for those that don't know, we grew up on the East Coast, Carvel was a chain, famous mostly for their soft-serve ice cream in the northeast, I believe. Anyway, and Tom Carvel would read the ads, and they were hysterical. But last night, just very small world, last night and yesterday, I made a Carvel ice cream

cake for my sister Laura's birthday. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the thing I do in my family. I get way too much credit because making is not the right word. I assemble a Carvel ice cream cake. I get these Oreos and I smash them up for like the, you know, the layers, the crunchy layers in the ice cream cake on the bottom,

the middle, and the, he didn't put them on the top, I put them on the top. And I take a, I guess a half gallon of vanilla and a half gallon of chocolate. You get it from Carvel? No, no, no. I just get briars from the no, hard ice cream. I have to wait

until they melt and then I layer them on the cake with a layer of the crunch in between. And how do you shape it? Do you have like a cone? No, I have a cake, it's not tin, but I don't know the name of it, but, you know, that you pop off the ring that goes around it. Wow. Yeah, yeah. You're amazing. Sure. Wait. Oh, look, I have a picture of it. It was a little bit of a joke this year. I loaded way too much. They also liked the Oreo,

but there's the two layers. There's the chocolate and then the vanilla and then the top, which is packed with the mint Oreos. Oh, yeah. That's questionable. Well, not in this family, man. They can't get enough of it. Wow. Sure. All right, let's get down to Swiss hilarious.

We should have done this at the top. A Kentucky official was forced to remind Bluegrass State residents that they cannot vote in Tuesday's election for the New York mayor. We're getting calls about polls being closed. They are closed because we do not have elections. today. Kentucky votes next year. You cannot vote today in Kentucky for the mayor of New York City or

the governor of Virginia. Sorry. I'm imagining they all wanted to vote against him. I don't know. Seems like we don't want some communists running a city that we already hate. What do they care? A Muslim immigrant

communist? People from Kentucky fucking hate New York City. And yet, they're angry about how it's being run. You're never going to go there. What the fuck? This is like the guys that are so they love shitting on

women's basketball and how bad they are. And then the second they hear that a transition woman wants to play in female sports, they lose their shit. Oh, so now you care about women's sports? Right. Well, trust me, Nashville has

tremendous Kentucky envy, and I'm not, I'm being very serious. because Kentucky is definitely making steps and is more progressive and more inclusive than Tennessee. Interesting. Yeah, the northern cousin there is doing a lot more things right. I do a club in Lexington every year and it's a fucking great town. Yeah.

Oh, no, I told you when Hoffman and I went Ben Hoffman, the comedians from Lexington and the gay mayor. We interviewed the game air of Lexington, Kentucky. And that was over 10 years ago. No shit. It's so beautiful down there. I mean, he's not out, but we called him gay. He seemed very gay.

And like the wife was so not believable. Did he make an ice cream cake? Like, how could you? Not that gay. Let's get a crinkle. It's time for the ethical question. All right. All right.

The World Series was last week. Oh, man. We didn't even, I mean, forget. That best World Series I've ever heard of, ever seen. Well, 86 Mets was probably the best. This was a second. This was a close second. Yeah, 86 Mets didn't it end in the six game?

Yeah, but it had a lot. No, seven games. Was it? Yeah, Game six was when the big error was made and it forced it to go to a game seven. You got a ticket. Let's say you got a ticket to Game 7, World Series, Dodgers against the Blue Jays. Yeah. you get two tickets sure you can either take your father who's aging or one of your daughters who will have

this memory for the rest of their lives this was a question sent in by a listener oh my dad and not only because like he might like the sport more and know no more about it so let's put all that aside let's say my daughter's really obsessed with baseball and maybe i guess the dodgers first of all she's really obsessed with the Dodger. She's not coming with me because I'm rooting for Canada. So, but no, it would be making, because it's not only making a memory for him, it's making a memory for me. Okay.

And I'd sneak in an ice cream cake and we'd really celebrate. Hey, look, you love your dad. He was your best man at your wedding. Right, right. That did not work out, but yes. Well, it wasn't a good luck sauce that I needed. No. Make America, Florida.

Here it comes. Make America Florida. Okay, this is a feel-good, atypical Florida man story. Florida man walks the four corners of the U.S. for mental health awareness. All right, I'm going to read this, Greg. And then I took out the very last part of the sentence. and it's you're going to guess. So here is the opening sentence.

A Florida man has walked 9,280 miles across the United States to raise awareness for mental health, stopping in Naples as part of his record-breaking journey that began dot, dot, dot, dot. Well, first of all, the country is not 9,280 miles wide. No, he's doing four corners of it. It's about 3,000. Oh, okay, all right.

Yeah. I'm going to say, only in Florida, man, would take 9,000 miles to get across the country. Yeah, that's true. All right. So he stumbled, because when you stumble, you at least double your steps. That began when a warrant went out for his arrest in Florida for domestic violence. It literally said stopping in Naples is part of his record-breaking journey that began in a prison cell. I'm not joking.

It was so Florida. Like, I was like, this is just feel good. I'll explain that to the listeners. And I'm like, well, there's the Florida part right there. Oh, my God. Yeah. So how does he check in with his parole officer when he's walking for? I know.

And all that, yeah, and he just pees on the run. Kindle Ray Edwards started his walk on January 1, 2022, with his feet in the Atlantic Ocean. That's right after he got out of his prison cell. He walked across the United States once. His feet were in the ocean because he got lost and walked in the wrong direction. he's like is louisiana this way uh edwards walked across the united states once but once he hit the west coast he didn't stop now on day 839 of his journey edwards is attempting to reach all four corners of the continental united states quote when i hit the northeastern point of maine

that should be a world record and the mental health part of this is He just goes around showing what a Florida man's like and everyone feels better about themselves. I'm just calculating real quick how many miles a day this would be. If he goes, all right, so he's been going for three and a half years, which is about 1,200 days. And he's gone 9,000 miles. Oh, boy. He's going to be 200 miles. Fitzfigures.

Fitzfax is going to be Fitzfigures. He's going 7.6 miles every single day for three and a half years. How much? 7.6 miles. So he's no far as Gump. He's more of a far as Gimp at that rate. All right. I have a different one.

What I did was I did his 9,280 miles, and then I divided it by days, which was 839, and that came to 11 a day. Okay. Well, maybe someone will correct us. Was it 7.6 or was it 11? Right. All righty. Let's get down to Texas. Let's go down.

Maybe he had to walk through Texas. All right. Texas, okay, I'm heading there tomorrow. Texas man arrested in Palm Beach County for anti-Semitic threats to Jewish residents. According to court documents, Nicholas L. Ray of Spring, Texas was arrested Monday in charge with sending anti-Semitism. death threats to, and they list the people, including Laurel Lumer, on the social media platform X, formerly known as Twitter. So I think the reaction, and with a lot of the crusty old wasps

in Palm Beach is like, Nicholas, we don't say it publicly. We don't call them out publicly down here. Like, please, you're so new money. Yeah, we have clubs for that. Yes, behind closed doors that the police are not even allowed in even if they try i thought x i thought x was for that isn't it just hate speech yeah i know a bunch of people that have gotten off x entire like like dana gould had like half a million followers and uh he just got off and he said it's just toxic oh yeah of course oh it's terrible i don't think i don't post on there very often i don't really look at it I look at Instagram. I don't look at any of it.

I'm so bad. All right. We are going to another Florida man story that happens to be in the sports category. Here it is. Tom Brady says his dog is a clone. He said Tuesday that his dog, Junie, is a clone of his late dog, Lua, that died in 2003. Quote, I love my animals, he said in a statement.

They mean the world to me and my family. Yeah. this is what you do when you're rich and you get divorced you don't split up your belongings you just get two of each you know you get two couches you get two porches and he clone the fucking dog well he also says that it helps him feel more like a family also with his new girlfriend jazelle b and uh so he just he just You know, listen, he's very in a tradition. He wants things to stay the same kind of.

Yeah, he meets her for a cup of coffee and just discreetly takes her cup and puts it in a plastic bag as he leaves the table. Maybe it's like his L, like it's the next model. It's not the G series. It's the H series. No, I think he wants to keep the Giz part in. I think it's going to be Giz M. Jiz M is perfect.

Followed by Jazen, Jizzo, Giz P. That's perfect. Which model are you on? He'll start selling models. Let's get to International. Here we go. International. I wasn't sure if we did this, so correct us if we did.

Princess Beatrice and Princess Eugenie quietly made their escape from the UK as their father, Andrew Windsor, had his royal title stripped and was evicted from his royal law. Pictures show the sisters who will still retain their royal titles, despite their parents losing theirs, avoided the scandal by taking two different vacations before the official announcement. Eugenie was spotted on a girl's trip to Paris with friends, and Beatrice was pictured at the Future Investment Initiative in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, probably seeing some good comedy. Yeah, that's the funny capital of the world now. Wait, why did they have to escape? I guess the media in London is insane. But he was ordered to surrender his lease at the Royal Lodge

and move to an alternative private accommodation. So I guess he needs to find a castle that's at least 100 yards from a school. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Um, wow. Yeah, the escape thing is wild. Also, I bet his daughters are older than some of his victims. Oh, they definitely are. Yeah, yeah, 37 and 35. Oh, man. Yeah. Yeah, that's embarrassing. They could have been, uh, even a parent of one of them probably. Yes, for sure. They're probably disinvited to all those little parties that all these royals go to. They're probably disinvited to all of them. Right. I'm looking at, you skipped his middle name. His name's Andrew Windsor. It's Andrew Mountbatten, Windsor. Mountbatten is so over the top. It's, it is the most like British

royal name. I mean, it is, but it's like, it almost would be that even if I didn't affiliate it with them. Like Mountbatten is crazy. Had you heard that name before? Yeah, Mountbatten, because it's in the family and it's like I think let's look up the name isn't is the king Mount Benton was the not the king well I'll just say it's the second most real name yeah the first is a friend you grew up with whose name is Mishi de Bourbon oh is that the one that's up there with with Mountbatten and I went to and I went to school with a girl named Ashley Briggs and another kid named Randy Van Cleet the third. The Mountbatten family, and I mean all of this is happening right now, me reading this

because you know more than I do. Like I haven't even seen the crown. I've like had kind of no interest in the British royals. So I mix them up all the time. All of it's blurry for me. But the Mountbatten family is a British family that originated as a branch of the German princely Battenberg. family.

The name was adopted by members of the Badenberg family residing in the United Kingdom in 1917, three days before the British royal family changed its name from Saxe-Koburg to Gotha to Windsor. Listen to this crap. This was due to a rising anti-German sentiment. Ah, they pulled that one. There's their coat of arms. So originally from German.

Interesting. Louis Mountbatten the first The Marquess of Milford Haven Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh That's him Anyway Burma Burma's involved The Earl's Mountbatten of Burma

Yes have you seen It's a sign of disrespect To the royal family When you put your hands in your pockets In front of them Oh the Irish Yeah the Irish do it Sillian Murphy did it

When you met the queen recently? Yep. I don't know who you met, but I would do that for sure. Right. Yeah, I like it. And I'd play with my balls. They kill, like, generations of people and really ruin the soul of a country. But we got them back.

We put our hands in our pockets. Yeah. It's even now. It's even. Do you want to do, you want to go to science? No, we'll save science. Oh, let's save science and get down to. Elon Musk apparently has an AI girlfriend.

We'll get to that next week. This day in history? This day in history. All right, I got to admit up front. It was light. Really? Yeah, it was tough. So let's just, you have to be a little patient.

You're not going to know about Gemini 12 or Ned Kelly. Nat Turner. You're not going to know any of that crap. World War I ends you would know. There's a lot of elections. which are boring. All right, hold on. 1922?

Well, would you know when Richard Burton, the great, great Welsh actor was born? I would say, give her take five years. I would say he was born in 1932. You blew it. 1925. You were just about to get it.

The American. American Children's TV series, Sesame Street, debuted on the National Educational Television Network, later called PBS. When did Sesame Street premiere, give or take three years? I'm going to say it was a revolutionary show. It was very diverse. It was about inner city. I'm going to say it had to be late 60s, 68. 69. There we go. Very good.

This next tragedy left us with a very cool song. The Edmund Fitzgerald sank during a storm on Lake Superior, killing all 29 on board on Gordon Lightfoot immortalized it. So what year, hold on a minute. Okay. I'm making sure they're not asking about the song. What year did the Edmund Fitzgerald sink on Lake Superior, killing all 29 aboard, give or take 10 years?

Oh, tank, come on. All right, fine, give or take 30 years. Okay. Well, he wrote about it. I'm going to bet you don't get it. I'm guessing the song came out around 75. So I would say the wreck was way earlier with some kind of. I'm going to say 1875.

So close. The wreck was in 1975. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. No way. When did the song come out? You saw me. That's why I paused.

When I saw this date, I'm like, that must be the song. And that's why I like read more and delayed. Well, what year did the song come out? Interestingly, 74. He knew it was coming. Yeah. No, I don't know. let's see here it must have been right after that uh Gordon Lightfoot was born in 38 died let's see

and we're going to go with sundown was 74 wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald the next year after the sinking 76 okay well at least I got I should get partial credit for knowing that if you could read my mind all right okay so that's that way let me go back now I'm in a wormhole of But I did read about it a little. First of all, the amount of ships that sank in Lake Superior and Lake Superior size, there's podcasts just on Lake Superior. It's fascinating how absolutely extraordinary Lake Superior is. Okay. Oh, it's the best one.

All the others can fit in Lake Superior, by the way. And then the amount of volume is. It's a high percentage of the fresh water, higher than you think, on the planet. It's really something else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, let's see here. And fact check me on that, everybody, because it probably needs it. As I said, Slim Pickens.

Jack the Ripper's infamous killing spree in the White Chapel District of London's East End came to an end. I don't know why. Was he caught or killed? Or it was just his last killing. came to an end on this day, and it's a day. It must be, maybe this is his last killing. What year, give or take, 30 years? 1934.

1888. Shit. Someone look up Jack the Ripper. Why was that his last day? And then, okay, we're going to go for one more. We've done our, oh, this is nice. West Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street was released in theater. introducing moviegoers to the villain

Freddy Krueger it's considered a horror classic it spun off a number of sequels it came out on this day you're going to be good at this one I think I'm only giving you two years give or take two years when did a nightmare on Elm Street

get released 1983 I knew you would do it man 84 yeah baby I think I got two I got two right with an asterisk on one because I said the day

and then I changed it by two years. I love that one. And an asterisk on the Gordon Lightfoot because I did guess within a year of when the song came out. All right, let's go to Letters to the Editor. Wait, how about this one? This was interesting.

I missed this one. The American Cable Television Company, HBO, where I got my start, officially debuted as it aired the 1971 film Sometimes a Great Notion, which starred Paul Newman. I worked there.

I heard a lot about its history. And I didn't, like, that's one of those, like, TV killed the radio star is the first music video. But I've never heard this. Like, what was the first thing ever shown on HBO? Anyway, HBO debuted on this day in what year, give or take, four years? 1971. 72, kid. There we go.

You realize you said 71 when you named the movie. Oh Yeah, I didn't realize that But yeah It couldn't have been before that But it could have been way after All right, here we go We're back

What do we got? Let's get two letters to the editor All right, here it goes Okay There was people have been writing in about ICE ads on our show And some of them are on YouTube Don't forget, listen, when you become an ice agent, put code papers when you sign up.

And for every innocent person that you collect from us, we will give you a coozy. You get a little beer coozy that says Sunday papers. For every mom you rip away from her kids at a school. Yes. Has to be right near the school. And if you take my gardener, you have to come and do the weeds yourself. Good point So they said it's been on Apple podcast

It's been on YouTube They are inundating podcasts With ads for these fucking douchebags Yep All right Let's get to the obituary I know sad Here we go

Diane lad I'll just read from the New York Times A little bit versatile And lauded film actress She was 89 She was three-time Oscar contender Playing strikingly different characters In one case starring alongside her daughter

and fellow nominee Laura Dern. She was Flo, the sassy and foul-mouthed but deeply compassionate Southern waitress. And Martin Scorsese's Alice doesn't live here anymore. And that was 74. She was Marietta Fortune, a seductive, malvolent. Malvolent? I don't like that. Malevolent?

See? Man, my reading. Former Beauty Queen, who hires a hitman to kill her daughter's boyfriend in David Lynch's wild at heart. That was 1990. I got to watch that again. I mean, I remember her hysterical, literally, the literal word hysterical, with tears, with the makeup all over her face in front of the mirror.

Yeah. And then a quietly noble Georgia housewife who defends the family's indiscreet young maid and Martha Coolidge's rambling rose. And that's where she was with Laura. And they were both nominated. I've never seen that one. Me neither. But here's a little quote that I put.

put in for the Fitzdog. Ms. Ladd was asked for advice on succeeding in show business, and she said, quote, nothing's going to be handed to you. She said, suggesting that in her 80s, she had no intention of mellowing, quote, you have to fight like a dirty, rotten dog. Wow. That's badass. Yep.

Anyway, she, Laura Dern is so cool. and uh but um and i guess it's bruce stern is that uh yeah that i guess that would be her father but uh yeah i want to see i want to see that movie again um wild at heart i mean nicholas cage and that thing is so great also but that thing about you have to fight like a dirty rotten dog as an actress like i just read uh an article about jennifer lawrence and the new yorker this week and uh you know high she was the highest paid actress in hollywood for years and then she uh sorry and then she um but they were talking about her first role i can't remember the movie but she auditioned and they said she was too pretty so the next week she got on a flight to toronto

and purposely took a red eye didn't wear any makeup auditioned again and got the role like That's what it takes. That was her first role. She had no fucking money. Wow. Who is that? Jennifer Lawrence. She's pretty fucking cool as a person.

I like Jennifer Lawrence. Yeah. And she's funny. All right. Speaking of funny, let's get to the funnies. Let's go. Here it is. All right, I got a couple of onions.

We'll get out of the way here up top. Let's see, where is it? Oh, man, it disappeared. So here we go. So what was the one I saw? Well, they have a lot on Mom Donnie. So fact-checking claims about Mom Donnie. And one of them is, all right, the claim is my uncle says Mom Donnie will abolish the entire police department.

And The Onion says, true, your uncle does say that. Another. Another claim, Mom Dani met his wife on Hinge. True, but it won't happen for you. Claim, Mom Dani is a communist. False. Any real communist will happily spend six hours explaining why this isn't true. Anyway, so good.

And then here's one last one last one, which is just a true cartoon. and its cartoon topic from the onion. Californians approve measure to redraw Garfield. That's good. There it is. Not only the voting districts, but we're redrawing Garfield finally. All right.

Speaking of drawing, Jason Love, friend of the show, made a nice comic that we are all going to write captions on. It looks like an OB, GYN. He's standing in a mask and a gown in front of a woman who's in front of a woman who's in stirrups getting a vaginal exam.

Bats are emerging from her vagina. And John W. says, Nurse, call Aaron Fitzsimmons. She's a postnatal Dracula. Okay, look at that. Matt said, she said it was like a cave in there, but holy crap. Uh-huh.

Eretia Teal said he had misunderstood the patient's complaint of, quote, a lot of flapping down there. It's gross. Chili B says Cunt Dracula Got me Got me Got me

Zach from Yuma He says In parentheses Hunter S. Thompson voice I was somewhere around the edge of her cunt when the drugs began to take hold

Okay K dog said The dreaded bat smear Ah interesting Anthony Saxton said Congratulations Mrs. Wayne

It's a boy Okay Sean Johnson said Bruce and Kate plus eight. Ah. Chili Bowles said being Transylvania's only gynecologist came with unique challenges. Nice. Kevin Robinson said Sharon Osborne at the OBGYN. I'm going to say it.

This is the best group I've ever seen. These are good. I mean, it lent itself to good ones, but you would think everyone would be on the same track. I was worried. I thought this one was a little bit specific. Yeah, it would be a joke on a joke. Yeah. Ron said another mistress of Bruce Wayne gives birth.

Right. Well, that's been covered kind of. But boy, those are really good. Yep. Why don't we send them all coosies? Everybody gets a coozy. Everybody gets a coozy. It seemed like you laughed the hardest at Cunt Dracula.

It was so short, which deserves a lot of cruezy. credit and also to type contraula and press sand is just very impressive. All right. Chili B. You're not going to be chilly any longer. You're going to

have a coozy. Even the name, Chili B. I mean, is so tight and short. Do we have a black listener? Chili B? I don't know. I hope so. I'll tell you where there's no blacks is in medieval Scandinavia. I think it's a Chile W. huh there's no blacks in medieval scandinavia we've got uh hagger is talking to lucky in a bar

there is a very pretty smiling maiden just down the bar from them hagger says how much importance do you place on a woman's looks and lucky says a lot and the next frame they're both staring at her and she's looking back and he goes anytime a woman looks my way is special yeah she's not going to be making eye contact soon when it's It's not consensual. Yes. I'd say any time I can catch a woman running is special. Anytime a woman with a limp comes in my path is special.

Right. When their eyes are open, it's actually a little less special for me. Yeah. Yeah. I hate when they're looking. Yeah. Lockhorns. They're looking at a bill and Leroy says,

why can't hidden fees stay hidden? But I've never really questioned, like, the lockhorns must have been like a placeholder name. Like, I'm going to write a cartoon comic strip about people who are fighting all the time. You know, lock, they're going to be locked horns. Yeah, yeah. Loretta looks upset.

Leroy says, I'm sorry, Loretta. Does it count if I don't know why? That's cute It is cute Lockhorn's a good name on a fake ID That would be a good one The Lockhorns Yeah Greg Lockhorn

We got Dagwood sitting at the table He's eating He's eating something He's in his pajamas His donut pajamas Blondie comes in looking very sexy Oh that's a bath

Oh I thought she was in a dress Okay She's got a bathroom that looks like a dress And she goes honey what are you doing down here this lady goes my body clock still hasn't adjusted to the time change she goes what does that have to do with eating a sandwich at three in the morning and he goes it's still set to stomach standard time now the reason i put this in i thought she was in a dress and i was in a celebratory mood thinking that blondie is coming home at three a m dressed up

and she's out getting dicked oh Okay. Like she's done with him. She's finally stepping out. Right. It's a bathrobe. What is she doing up at 3 a.m.? Maybe someone's in the house.

Yeah. It's very curious that she's up in 3 a.m. Maybe she's getting busy. Yeah. Anyway, if you're around Wisconsin tonight and it's not too snowy, swing by the Skyline Comedy Club. November 9th, I'll be there. Also remind people. Dog Radio. We got some great guests this week. Dana Gould was amazing. Annie Letterman was just on.

We got a bunch of good people. So check it out. Nice. Very cool. Anything you want to promote? God, I don't even think I've seen anything. You know, I saw a movie in the theater, believe it or not. I think it was called Good Fortune, but it's Aziz Ansari's. He directed it. Oh, I heard that's good. Yeah. Well, here's the thing. No, it's feel good. It's not challenging at all.

It's just feel good. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, and it's very much a mom-dani movie. I got to tell you, it's about the 1% being less like a-holes. So anyway, but Keanu Reeves is in it. And I, I'm a fan of Keanu Reeves. I don't think I've ever seen him this bad. Really?

And it was very surprising to me because he's done so many things and he's done them in his Keanu way, but well, I mean, all the John Wick, all, I mean, the Matrix. And, you know, he's cast pretty perfectly, same with Bill and Ted. But, like, he's cat, like, in the Matrix, literally he's called dumb in it. And then he doesn't realize, like, he's the hero. He's not buffoonish, but he's kind of like lost also. because it's the goddamn matrix so he's like what wait what and whoa and so he's perfect for it but man there's something off in this and i know he's playing an angel which is first scene so no spoiler he's playing an angel and so but man he does this shaking thing like it would be like to you

like that's sam him like shaking his head like Greg well uh it's almost like you when you saw him in bill and ted's adventure like he's like well what's this you know and like and just but that's it man one speed pitch well speaking of bad uh and bad reviews have you heard about all's fair kim kardashian series on hulu no oh boy it's got a 5% on rotten tomatoes oh here's some of the reviews um oh yeah i should read about kiano i didn't read about him yeah break out a stopwatch start the timer the moment the action begins and see how long it takes for your jaw to detach from the rest of your face oh okay great I cannot believe Ms. Close put her name on this train wreck.

Oh. Yeah, it's bad. It's real. And the thing is, the cast is amazing. Naomi Watts. Well, Ryan Murphy is the executive producer. He usually makes really good stuff, doesn't he? So, wait, it's a movie?

No, it's a series on Hulu. Oh, okay. Yeah, amazing cast. Naomi Watts. Oh, and you know what we didn't do? we didn't it sounds like we both didn't do chair company oh right all right that's for next week i really and i'm you know what i'm downloading it because i bet i spend uh you know you and i could probably knock out the whole thing in an airport this weekend yeah okay good all right good luck

with your hobling bro all right thanks man i'll see you soon take it aish day itish Wake up stains on your shirt. Greg's got the headlines. Mike's got the smirk. Florida man's in trouble. Elon's off the rails. Some koalas got chlamydia.

Welcome to the tails. Mike took off to work on the Emmys for a week. Greg was hiding out in Vermont trying not to speak. not to speak but they reconvene at 10 a.m. with jokes and news to slay your weekly dose of chaos in an audio buffet we read the sunday papers we spill the wildest capers from weird world catastrophes to celebrity capers we read the sunday papers got hot takes in vapors Greg and my We'll break it down in Sunday papers. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They talk about crosswalk wars in Florida mass mayhem in Texas. Gun laws, AI classes, conspiracy pretext is. Jimmy Kimmer. Jimmy Kim will return. Sean Combs coming back up. Conjoin twins making headlines.

Yes, true. Oh, Lord, what's up? A 13-L baby in Florida John Daily's Sunday swing. Sign Felt C's secret KKK, is this real or a mean? They'll rip it all apart with sarcasm and flare. You'll laugh, you'll roll your eyes. Damn if you don't care We read the Sunday papers

We spill the wildest capers From weird world catastrophes To celebrity capers We read the Sunday papers Got hot takes in vapors Greg and Mike We'll break it down In Sunday papers

Whoa Yeah Here's to the people who catch the weird in the wild Who find the absurd in politics, debts, and the exile Who will take your Sunday, flip it, twist it, chew it Then hand it back to you And punchlines and jewelry Mike, did you see that Florida guy was riding a lawnmower on the highway?

Yeah, I thought he was auditioning for Fast and Furious. Sundown Edition. We read the Sunday papers, we spill the wildest capers, from weird world catastrophes to celebrity capers, We read the Sunday papers Got hard takes in papers Greg and Mike We'll break it down

In Sunday papers He's the Sunday papers He's still the wildest capers We're world's catastrophes To celebrity papers We're Sunday papers Our hard hearttakes and papers

Greg and Mike will break it down in Sunday papers