Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers W Greg And Mike Ep 294 122125

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Long Island is floating OnlyFans, Jesus used the F word, and the draft is back? We take a moment to remember Rob Reiner. UNCOMMONGOODS.com/PAPERS ⁠⁠⁠⁠for 15% off! Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit Ancestry.ca slash new year for more details. Terms apply. seven days for Sunday to hear what Greg and might have to say about the breaking news and the oberts of the week the tabloid trash and the Florida freaks, it's the Sunday paper

podcast. Three, two, one. Read all about it, read all about it. Read all about it, read all about it, read all about it. Read all about it, read all about it. It is the final episode. It is our second time trying to start this episode. So nobody needed to know that.

Okay, then. You really get behind the scenes, Mike Gibbons. You got your producer hat on. It's real. Greg forgot to press record on the video. You should are. We did 48 minutes. It was pretty tight.

It was great. It was so tight. No, this is our final show of the year, Mike. We did. Unbelievable. I think we took off two Sundays the entire year. and, you know, and for most of those, we lost money because we haven't, we didn't have ads for about six months of the year. And yet we were paying our producer and paying our hosting fees.

Yeah, you just told me you haven't added up. So I will either be receiving, you told me, right before we pressed record, either a small check or a bill. A bill. There may be a bill for this one. We may. that's fun is ruining the algorithm with our profanity is that that affects the YouTube revenue

I have a fix for that starting in the new year oh we are going to begin taking out things that kick us off the algorithm you'll still see them but

yeah we'll talk about it later anyway last one of the year we're going to skip next week because it's Christmas and then we will come to you in the new year. As we do, we're going to pay off our predictions from last year. We are going to make new predictions for 2006. Do we want to put up next week an old Christmas show? That's a nice idea.

Yeah, you know, I think nice thoughts. Okay. It's a nice time of year. Let's put up last year's Christmas show. It's nice. Look at the tree. Look at the tree. In your closet?

No, you, wait a minute. You've seen this guy. John, I almost got his name. This comedian, God, it has to be 20 years old now. He did, I'll find it. But anyway, it's viral. And everyone every year eventually finds it. And I get sent it like five times.

And he's just playing his mom who is very excited about the tree. Oh, that's good. Oh, no, no, no, no. As soon as I play it and you hear it, it's very, very Long Island, which is one of our stories today, too. It's a Long Island themed show. I don't know if Long Island's watching us. They might be too

busy self-pleasureing. All right. So wait, you, I know you've seen this. So here we go. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that guy. Yeah. We get the tree. We get the tree. And then he gets set up. He's like, look at the tree. The tree is in every phrase, he says. And it's so

funny and his name if you want to find just all you have to do is Google look at the tree um and why isn't it putting his name john roberts john roberts yep who can forget a name like that 2006 i was right it's 19 years ago now that's how oh my god oh my god i'm going i've got a i've got a cup of deli coffee in my hand which is my favorite coffee in the world wow large light and sweet Really? You do light and sweet? Only on the deli coffee. I never put sugar in except for the deli coffee. It needs it. It needs a little help. I remember when I was young in New York, it just shows you how long ago this was. I remember even in high school, Coors beer was exotic. You know, you could only, it was only in the Rocky Mountains.

I remember a lot of ski bros would try to, like, they'd bring back a six pack of Coors. It was the same with Rolling Rock, because it was only in the Rocky Mountains. Pennsylvania. Yeah, well, along those lines, I remember when I was first learning about coffee, maybe in high school or something, and there was, when you said a regular, like you at the deli, coffee regular, I think, I probably have this wrong. I think in New York it meant a little cream. No, it was a little cream and one sugar. Is it regular? It is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I thought it might have meant something different in Chicago. So I remember someone explaining me the difference of a coffee order.

Keep in mind, no national coffee shops at that point. Now, I went into the deli and I said ham and egg on a roll, ham egg and cheese on a roll, salt and pepper. And by the time I walked to the cash register, it was being handed to the cashier. That same order in Los Angeles would have taken approximately 15 minutes.

Oh, no, they would have then looked up like, and did you say cheese also? Yeah. Like it's just a completely foreign concept. Yeah. So doing some spots this week at the cellar and the stand. That's going to be fun. I'm taking my son to see O'Mary tonight, the play on Broadway.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, you told me that. I should get Sophie over there to one of the cellar sets or something. No. Oh. She came last time. Oh, it's all taken care of them. I just don't like people coming to my shows.

I've told you this. I'm done. I'm done. Even the general public, right? You just want to go up and true artists. Just be alone in a room. I'm going to stay in my mother-in-law's apartment. I got an 815 by the couch.

What street are you on? 87th between Columbus and Amsterdam. Oh, my God. I used to love that neighborhood. It's literally on the corner is Barney Greengrass. Oh, that's fantastic. The best place to get locks and bagels in the city. Yep.

Anyway, yeah, it's going to be fun. Owen is going off to South Africa. My wife and kids are in South Africa right now. Wow. And Aaron flew. Okay. So here's what happened. Okay.

I'm flying back from San Francisco on Sunday. My flight lands 20 minutes before my wife is supposed to show up to the airport. So she's going to drive the car. She drives the car. car to the airport, load it up with my daughter, I'm going to take the car as they get out

to go to their flight. It's perfect plan. It's one of those things in life that you just go, this makes me so fun. We just saved two cab fares and I get to see them before they leave for South Africa. So they show up and they go

get in. We're not getting out. Our flight was canceled because it's snowing in New York. So we go back home. She's already on hold with the airline, Delta Airlines, on hold for three hours so they can tell her that their flight now. They're on standby. Anyway, they were on a series of standbys all day, didn't get on, ended up flying out at 7 a.m. on Monday, got to New York, basically went from the airport. they got in it like midnight, came into the city

so they could load up my mother-in-law's bags because she's on the third floor walk up and go back to the airport. And then, yeah. And then take the flight. They get to France and the flight from France to South Africa is canceled and they have to wait another

36 hours to fly out. In the meantime, being manhandled, my mother-in-law got frisked three different times. She's 85 years old. She loved it. That's where you put the stuff. You'd load that mule up. Are you kidding me? It's the first time she's been touched like that in about two decades. Not to add another boring. I don't have a boring story, but Sunday was the day. No, no, no. I meant travel. Not to add another boring story. No, no, I meant, no, yours, perfect amount. The listeners don't need to hear another airport delay. You just became your father. You told me, and my father was the exact same way. If we told a boring story, we were immediately made aware of it. It's the reason we both went into entertainment.

You lost them. You got to front load it. No, I was just saying Sunday was the day. I'm not going to go into a delay story is what I meant. Sunday was the day. I was on the third. option on trying to get out of snowy New York to come back here. Yeah. So they're off. I talk to them now and I'm just, I'm kind of excited to be in New York. I'm going to go up and see my sister. What are your Christmas plans?

Here, my dad becomes my roommate on Tuesday maybe. I thought he liked to stay in hotels. He did. Yeah, that's past. When he's alone, I think that's, that maybe changed it a little. But my sister's place is full. So I just heard I'm hosting everybody Christmas Eve.

So I might look into like a roast beef or I got to figure out what I'm feeding these people. Dude, hams are so fucking easy and they're delicious. Yeah. You get a ham. You make some potatoes on the side. Right. All grott and potatoes. Throw a little fucking pineapple on that.

call it a day. Well, I think roast beef is the ham of beef. Oh, really? Can I coin that phrase? Yeah, it's just a giant block of meat, and then the cold key is not overcooking it. Anyway, I'll figure it out, but boy, that's on me now. I'm hosting. So, anyway, and he's staying here to answer your question, and then he's here for like a week, maybe, maybe a little less, and then he heads back down to Florida.

Jesus. What do you got planned for a week with your dad? I know. Well, I'm I have to I have to this is boy I'm mad I I think a lot of people can relate to this I get angry at the Apple TV remote

it's it's well known as the worst remote yeah in in fact now on on coming it comes stored look at this on your iPhone when you swipe down literally the remote icon is on whatever that goddamn page is called on your phone but it's standard because using your phone phone is a remote is the solution.

That's they, anyway. Oh, I didn't know that. So yeah, if you swipe down from the upper right to the control center or whatever the hell that pay, anyway, now this guy who can't even work an easy remote, I have to leave them every night because Nikki Glazer is doing sets of the Golden Globes. So I'm in the middle of a sprint to January 11th when the Golden Globes is live. an award season begins out here. So fire season's over and now it's award season.

L.A. has two seasons. And so this guy will be here every night. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I should drop him off of my sisters, but then it's too late for him to get back here when I'm done in the clubs. Really? Yeah.

So I guess the short answer is I'm going to be gone most nights. So I'm not doing anything with them at nights. Well, I guess your sister will pick up the slack. As he watches screensavers of Yosemite on my TV before it automatically shuts off as he's trying to figure out the Apple remote. My mom was out for, she was out for like 10 days. Yeah. And it was great because I did shit in L.A. that I would never normally do.

Oh, no, yeah, you were mentioning that. I mean, the museums and everything. Yeah. Same way I just treated New York. It's fantastic. Yeah. I'm sorrylies and all that uh god that hasn't changed i think i did mc sorley's after we did the podcast last week but it was great i had a uh i had a girl with a cat next to me i sat and coach flying out

which is you know how i generally travel which is now and i'm small so it's not a big deal wait you're you're not normally coach no i'm saying i'm normally coach yeah yeah and so the girl next to me starts talking to me and she goes what do you do and i don't I said I'm a comedian. And then she just looked at me with sadness, like, because I'm a coach comedian. Like, she was first excited like, oh, have I heard of you? And then she was like, oh, no, you're in 24D. I have not heard of you.

I've heard of the comics up in rows 1 through 5. Nice. And she had a fucking cat. I was like, and I'm in the window and she's in the middle. I don't know how they do that. And I said to her, I go, do you mind moving? because I'm allergic to cats. Like just one seat, the aisle seat was open.

So she moved over to the aisle. Yeah, people, some people like their throats close with cats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I definitely, I got filled up from it. Yeah, what's your cat's name? Peanut. Oh, God, I'm allergic to that too. His name is Whole Milk.

All right, quick funny story. I wouldn't have remembered it. But I'm on. I go to the treadmill. here. Oh, there's a tweet. I saw this tweet and it was so funny. I had to send it to my daughters because, you know, Sophie's still digesting. She's becoming a New Yorker very quickly. She's still digesting, though, like the New York persona and all that. And I sent this because I thought it was funny. This guy tweeted, New York City folks are the nicest and meanest people ever.

This girl was coughing and sniffing on the subway and another woman hands her attention. and says enough. That's perfect. That is fucking perfect. And that was on the one train around my stop and she was Jewish. That was so perfect. Oh, I love it. Okay.

So another unrelated story. Very quick. I'm on the treadmill in my bill. And anyway, and then this, I mean, she was, you know, young, like, you know, whatever. But attractive young. woman comes in and is on the treadmill next to me. And not that there's anything because she's like, you know, she's like in her 20s or something. So, but I'm on the treadmill. I'm listening to a book on tape and, uh, and whatever and, and I look over and then she smiles. And I'm like,

oh, that's nice. And it, I mean, no matter what. Like, well, that felt nice. And she kind of, and she kind of like was like a laughing smile. And then nothing for the rest of the, the whole like 20, 25 minutes that we were like both running next to each other. And then I look down and when you're listening, I have audible. When you're listening to a book on tape, it stays open the whole time. And I then realized I looked down and this is what. So like she has music and she's hot and she's fucking running and all this.

And I'm like, oh, I wonder. how old I look to her, right? This was what she saw on my phone on the treadmill. Men adult ADHD. Ah! I'm not only not listening to music. I'm listening to Chapter 7 of Men Adult ADHD. Oh, that's fucking great.

And how to increase productivity, improve relationships, and stay organized. That's what I'm doing. Oh, wow. That's like in fast times at Ridgemont High when the brother has a pirate outfit on in his car, the hot chick pulls up to him in a red light and he's smiling and she's laughing. Yeah, exactly. That's great. Unbelievable.

Were you running for 20 minutes? No, I do. I know. I just thought that would be easier than explaining it. No, my girls taught me this. It's a pretty good workout, but it's the, incline. Oh, there's three miles an hour at 45 degrees or whatever?

Yeah, at 12, I think it is, 12% or 30, but I wear, I know, now I'm going to sound like a middle-aged woman. Like, look at the tree. Look at my weight fest. Look at my weight fest. Oh, I feel so heavy. So I wear a weight fest when I do it, but it's great. It's 30 pounds.

It's kind of like almost as heavy as like a backpack when I do that. So that. All right. So let me get this straight. Helps a lot. This is a smoking hot chick. is probably spandex and she's running. She's listening to my morning jacket.

And you have a weight belt. She's listening to an artist we've never heard of. Let's be real. You have on a weight belt and you're walking while listening to a book about ADHD for men. I know. I might as well have an antenna on my head or something weird. It's a weight vest, not belt. But yeah, it was not a good scene.

It was not a good scene at all. Well, nobody even looks at me. Maybe I've got to do ridiculous stuff because I've been going to Gold's Gym since, I don't know, at least seven or eight years. And I've yet to have a conversation with somebody. They just categorically ignore me. I think I'm going to, now it occurs to me like, how did I not see what I looked like straight? Because I was probably just looking, I don't know what I was doing. But there's a mirror in front of both of us.

I think next, I'm going to be the guy that shows up to the gym now with like construction paper and paint. painting tape and just tape paper so I cannot see my reflection like in front of me. I'm going to be that self-conscious guy. Yeah. Yeah. That would be a good move. All right. I guess we should talk about it.

All right. What are we talking about? Well, Rob Reiner passed this week. Oh, good Lord. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. You know, it was, it hit me a lot harder than I could imagine, you know.

Right. I'm almost tearing up right now just talking about. It was just something that, you know, look, we all have family members that are troubled and we all worry about them, you know, and we think we play out the worst case scenario. This is so far beyond any worst case scenario, any of you would have about a family member, you know? This is, yeah, it's when it, when the news happened, I'm like, wait a minute. what you know because the arm you know breaking in and killing people while you're robbing them or whatever maybe people thought the first version of this was like that's not that common yeah and yeah so i was like all right is it someone very angry about his political views yeah and then the news came out pretty quickly after it's like worse than worse than anything you could imagine and it hit me also hard because um i know

the daughter. I know Romie. Oh, wow. Yeah, she and I took a class together. We did a voice class together. And, you know, this was probably five years ago. And she was just like, everybody was like, the teacher's like, why are you here? And I was like, well,

I'm a comedian and I always lose my voice by the late show on Saturday night. And other people like, well, you know, I'm trying to sing, but the speaking voice is where I want to start. And then she just went, I just thought this sounded like a cool thing to try out. You know she was just like this open she was in her early 20s at the time yeah and then i started following her

on social media because she talked a lot about her dad and like literally every post was her and her dad swimming in the ocean making food together i mean her father was like her best friend and um and she's about my son's age you know and so i just thought how do you i mean how do you move on in your life when your brother kills your parents and you find them. No. I saw a guy post and he was a professional like therapist and he goes, listen, putting aside, he did it appropriately. This won't sound appropriate, but he did it appropriately.

But he's like, I can't tell you how many of these there are where an addict or mental illness, someone with mental, who's mentally ill. talks their parents out of their own, their treatment. And to the point where he had a project, and I haven't looked into it. I don't know much about it, but he had the film he did, which Rob directed, I think, or produced or whatever, where it was like he literally then made his father pay for being on tape and apologizing to, the son for putting him in treatment. Yeah.

And because the mentally ill person in many cases is very opposed, if they're not ready, very opposed to the treatment in many cases. And anyway, this guy was like very sincerely, like frustrated and was like, anyway, I hadn't thought about it that way. And, and I also don't know much. I haven't seen a frame of the movie. But I do know that Rob said that he apologized, that he wish, you know, it made sense what Rob Reiner was saying, which was like, why don't, instead of just handing off the problem, you know what I mean? Like, why don't I be a dad and get involved myself?

And so it was all great intentions, all the best intentions. But boy, this guy brought up a good point about mental illness, I thought. Yeah, and I think it humanizes mental illness because you realize that, you know, the Reiner family, the resources that they threw at this, you know, between treatments for it and, you know, I don't know, seemingly a caring, loving, supportive family. And yet there's nothing you can do about it sometimes, you know. So I won't. An addiction, addiction, I guess, right? Is addiction, was addiction a component? Yes. And he was on the street and when he was young. and then I think he got off the street

and has been sober since, it says 2015, so I don't know if, I don't know if he had a relapse or whether or not this is just pure mental illness. But either way, it was, it just, you know, we won't even go into what Rob Reiner had accomplished in his life

and what his films personally meant to us from spinal tap to stand by me, which was the coming age, top three coming of age movies, of all time. Princess Bride never leaves my top ten. Yeah. I mean, we've re-watched that a

dozen times with my kids over the years. He had a gift. He had a way of connecting to human beings through film like nobody else. And he did it in so many different genres. I mean, a few good men. How different is that from Princess Bride? You know?

He did comedies. He did thrillers. He did everything. He was also the viewer's representation in all in the family. You know, up against the lunatic and center Archie Bunker. And he was the voice of reason. Like, what? You know, like, which is, anyway, he, he was extraordinary.

Yeah. And, you know, he had to grow up in his father's shadow. And that's very difficult to actually achieve something. You know, you call him a Nepo baby all you want. But like, you know, the guy certainly proved that he had the goods over time. And, oh my good, are you kidding me? And what you want to call it? What movie was I just thinking of?

Oh, misery? Yeah. It's like a perfect, that's a perfect movie of that type. Are you kidding me? It's suspense. It's great. James Kahn was the perfect choice for that movie. Yeah.

I think Kathy Bates won an Oscar for that, didn't she? I think she deserved it, I think. Yeah, I mean, yeah, anyone younger. listening like that was that was if there were memes she was the meme that year like it was it was the thing everyone talked about right and like comedy parodied and all that stuff um she won she did win an oscar uh in 91 for misery yeah yep now she's matlock yeah i said something correct mike Oh my God We'll probably get letters for that

Like are you feeling okay The logo this week Comes to us from Bruce Wise It is your favorite album Is it your favorite album? Yeah you know what? I think it is You know it is

I mean listen Most of my life it has been Maybe I'm getting blurry Like ah you know there's so many But if I had to only choose one I think that would be it All right name five songs from the album Oh no

If you gave me more time I bet I could name 15. It's a double album. Yeah. But wrong on boy. I mean, London calling, it starts a brand new Cadillac. Wrongumboyo. Jimmy Jazz.

It goes, I mean... I'm so bored with the USA? Is that a... No, no, no, no. That's an earlier album. But, yeah, I bet I could name... If you gave me time, I bet I could name 20 Coca-Cola, the card sheet. I bet I could name 20 songs off it.

Speaking of songs... Emmett Hall did this week's. What did you think of that one? I liked it. You had me listen to it before Emmett. I listened to it. I love it. I actually remember to send it to me and I really appreciate it.

And it was not AI. I like the low-fi quality of it. Yep. Yep. We're looking for new songs for 2006. We're looking for non-AI songs. There is a caveat. Should we rule out AI?

I mean, I don't know. Well, here's a caveat. I think that there needs to be an organic. component to it. Not everybody has an orchestra, not everybody has three backup singers. We need you to write the lyrics and we need you to either sing or play one of the major instruments. And then if you want to flesh it out, we get that. But don't just say, play a Sunday paper song with funny lyrics about the news. That's what I would do. This is from Jack Herman. Theme song was out of this world, but wasn't it the same one you used

just a few weeks ago, episode 288. I believe we may have used the same song twice. That's on you, Steiger. Let me tell you something about my organizational skills. Do you how many folders I have with songs in them? And then I have every song we have ever played on this show, and they are ranked from 1 to 10, 10 being the best. There's only been three tens in the history of the show.

And they're in a folder. and with people's names on them. Everything's very organized. I can't handle just this podcast, which is very evident. How many podcasts do you think you're producing and guesting on this week? Well, I just did childish yesterday. We did Sunday Papers Today. Fitzdog Radio came out this week with Rob Cordry,

who I fucking love. Literally, maybe my favorite podcast guest is Rob Cordy. He's so good. And then I'm doing, we might be drunk. And then I'm doing these guys I've never heard of. I've got to go out to Queens for it. Yeah, so that's this week. And you just did Burke Kreishe's.

Did Bert with you this past week? I went to Bert's Christmas party last night. Oh, you did? How was that? In a dive bar next to this amazing barbecue place. It was great. And a huge hello. Leanne loves you so much

because she's like, where's Greg? And then I'm like, oh, man, he's in New York. And she's like, I guess I'll accept just you without Greg. You know, like so huge fans of yours. And he can't wait. He's still talking about how much fun he had with us. Oh, that's great. Yeah, I don't know when it comes out.

But it's his part. I guess soon. Maybe I don't know if he said it was in the new year or not. I can't remember. What other comics were there? Not many. there were comedic actors because it was his production

company and all this. Oh, but you want to know who I talked with the most? Who? Is it O'Shea? But it's Ice Cube's Sun. Oh, real? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just the worst with names. But anyway, nicest guy in the world, man.

Huh. And doing well. Yeah, O'Shea. O'Shea Jackson Jr. Slush? Say what? Slush. Is that his name? Ice Cube, son. Oh, gotcha. Look at that. Yeah.

He's heating up. And he's been a lot of stuff too. But, and nicest guy. Anyway, I forget how Bert. Oh, Bert had him maybe as a guest on the pod because I asked him, I'm like, how are you in this world? And he was like, I think a guest, but he loves Bert. I have, I didn't go to one Christmas party this year. I literally, I would take a shower.

I would get dressed. I would sometimes even. walk out the door and then just came back. I said, I just can't do it. I can't walk into parties where people come up to me and they say hello and I have no idea who they are. And I don't remember people's names and faces and it's too embarrassing and I feel like it makes people feel bad. So I just don't do it anymore. Well, I know it's gotten worse, but I mean, you used to just wing it, right? To be like, hey. Yeah, but I never know whether to go low or high. If you go too high and you don't really know them,

then they know you're full of shit and you feel like a phony. And if you go too low, they know that you don't really remember them. And then you feel like a funny. Oh, boy, you can't win, huh? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'd get out there.

Boy, that was a sad image. You leaving for a party and then turning around. That sounds like the beginning of a good holiday movie. Where's that going to go? Well, the other problem is, me and my wife, are really good. We are really good at watching TV. I would put us up against anybody on the West Side.

We pick well, we dismount early. If it's not good, we both have the same sense about it. I fucking love our couch. We have chocolate in the pantry. And it's just, it's very hard for me to experience something better than sitting on the couch and watching good TV with my wife. All right. Well, I mean, that's a recipe. I mean, you're landing the plane.

Your life's, this is it. I think everything's over. I like my, I love my couch. That said it all. It's such a good couch. It's over stuff. Hey, I got you a Christmas present, by the way, but I'm not going to see you. No, you didn't.

It's from the church mouse. Here's the bag. Really? Which is a famous place. And I got, look, I bought all these used golf shirts. How many golf shirts do you need? How many do you have? No, no.

They're for everybody. Oh, nice. I got everybody one. I'm trying to find yours. Amazing. Okay, I think this is it. There was no maroon. I apologize.

Is this the medium? Yeah, because most of them are big fat guys who died. Because the church mouse is a consignment shop affiliated with churches down there, I think. Anyway, this is the highest quality. This one happens to be Nike. it's the dry fit. Look at this bad boy. Oh, what's it say on it? It says, Devin Shure at PGA National.

But the part I love the most is on the sleeve. And it says, an Erickson living retirement community. Right there. It's perfect. Beautiful shirt. It looks like it's never been worn. It's perfect. Look at it.

Price tag's still on. I'm not going to tell you how much I spent, but it tells you. I got you something, and it's actually brand new. Did you just like grab like a measuring cup from behind? There it is. This is a candle. It's mango, which I know you love. I just love the work.

It hasn't been lit yet. It's not like your shirt. It's not used. Did you just find that in the kitchen? No, that's for you. I think you found that in the kitchen. We had some corrections. All right.

Oh, we started those. Oh, and the other one from Hugh is Sid Vicious was not murdered by his wife, as you mentioned. He didn't have a wife. Nancy Spungin was his girlfriend and died at the Chelsea Hotel for which Sid was charged, though he never stood trial. Sid later died from a heroin overdose, and it has been widely reported that the fatal dose was supplied by his mother.

Yep. And then Ryan in Chicago said, in the story about the vanity license plate 6NPWNED, you misunderstood the meaning of PWNED. This is internet slang explained here. It's an intentional misspelling of owned, pronounced poned. Right. And it means you dominated someone. It does not mean pound.

Man, you guys are so old. Ryan is Chicago. I know about, but I remember the spelling being a little different, but yeah. By the way, we're not old. I just don't go to parties because I don't remember things. And you love your couch. Yeah. Tour dates.

I will be off the couch and on stage in Rutherford, New Jersey at Bananas, December 26 and 27th. Feel free to fly out, Mike. Cleveland. Wait, what is your, what is, what's going on with you for Christmas? Monday, I go up to my sisters for three days. And then I spent Christmas with her and then come down, check on Johnny. By the way, I'm not abandoning my mother-in-law's partner. He's got a home care worker coming in for the three days I'm away.

Cleveland Hilarities, January 8th through 10th, Atlanta Punchline, January 15th through 17. Then I'll be at the Comedy Mothership. Then Sacramento. Oh, why don't you come to Sacramento? We'll do another live show on stage. Wow. February 5th through 7th. I mean, Sacramento in February, that's the time to go.

Well, nowhere is good in February. Philly. Lexington, Kentucky, Houston, get to Fitzdog.com and get some tickets. We'll now read from the front page of the newspaper. Here we go. Do you have a piece of paper? I have a bag.

Let me see. Yeah, use the bag. Here we go. Right down the street from you. Dirty-minded Long Island residents outspend entire European nations on only fans. Purvy residents in both counties on Long Island, together with those in Brooklyn and Queens, have joined forces to buy more of the sites porn than huge nations such as Switzerland,

France, Italy, and Spain per capita, while also surpassing countries, including Greece, Israel, and much of Italy, according to the 2025 only fans wrapped. Suffolk County residents spent more than $12.5 million total so far. this year. Wait, so they have wrapped, so they're sending you an announcement of which girls and which fetishes you use the most in the

past year? I don't know how it I mean, I just, this is what they've reported to the public, but I don't know if they send to you, like, here's who you spent most of your money on. Not your kids. Oh my God. Polish little people giving foot massage.

That's my number one. Massaul County doled out nearly 9 million. Well, listen, that's because my stepbrother, Jeff, is out in Montauk. I can explain this 12.5 million right there. He makes some money from fishing and I think he puts it all right into only fans. Damn, fishing is good out there. To put the outlandish numbers into perspective, Nassau and Suffolk have a combined population of just under 3 million people and are matching or beating the spending intensity of entire European nations. despite having a fraction of their population. Strong Island. Wow, I love it.

Yeah, I mean, that's Joey, but a fook is still out there, too. He's cranking him out. Oh, yeah, Ron Concoma, they're getting it done. Yeah, Long Island is definitely pervy. It's always been a weird place. There was always all those, like, when I was a teenager, there was a lot of teenage witch murders in the woods. There was always a lot of weird shit going on out there.

There's a documentary about the call. girls out in Nassau County. No, Suffolk, sorry, out in Suffolk County. Oh, yeah, yeah. You and Aaron on your cozy couch should watch that one. Is the name of the escort agency so fuck? It's one of those where it's a cold case. It's interesting. It's a good, it's a very good documentary.

And then, boy, do they learn a lot and also find an area where the bodies are put. But listen, it's also Mets and Jets fans. What else are they going to do? They're miserable. They have to self-soothe. They have all the time in the world. Yep, yep. So that's a big part of it.

As allegation swirl, here's another masturbation story. Oh, good. That a paramedic masturbated with his colleagues' food and property, members of the Baltimore County Fire Department are being kept out of the loop and left to assess their own risks of illness. Quote, potentially every single member was exposed, one of the workers said. Personnel can see the after effects

called the alleged misconduct, such as the start of hazmat cleaning ordered in all professional stations as well as new water coolers in lieu of fountains. I guess the guy jacked off on the water fountain? I don't know. Is this dude from Long Island?

They're trying to sweep it under the rug like they always do, one firefighter said, but this they can't. It's too much. Yes, it's very difficult to sweep come under a rug. I usually mop it up with a sock. Sweeping it, you just get the broom dirty. You're just spreading. It spreads it.

Yeah. Spreading your seed. Maybe that's the idea. But I mean, what was this? Where was he, Jack? was he just walking around randomly jacking? Also, don't touch the broom. He jacked on that already.

And who knows where it's been? Who knows where that handle's been? Also, I'm not that afraid of come. Like, do you need a hazmat suit? I think a pair of rubber gloves should cover it. Yeah, I'm wondering. Yeah, I guess there could be disease in it. So, yeah, I don't know.

I think they're just, I think they're just, these people should be a little more. more hearty. Aren't they dealing with bodily fluids all day long? Yes, and they're sliding down a pole and then shooting stuff out of hose. It's part of what they do. Yeah. All right. A provision in this year's NDAA will require the selective service system to find a way to make registering for the draft automatic instead of letting 18-year-old males sign up for themselves. Do you remember doing that when you were 18? No. I do. I remember I had to fill out a form and I was 18 years old signing up for the draft.

You didn't even fill out a form to go to college. I know. Did your dad fill out this also? Yeah, and then he jerked off on it. Oh, wait a minute. The SSS would have a year to try to construct a list of all potential draftees in the U.S. by pulling information from other federal databases. So anyway, this will be the largest change in selective service since 1980.

and we'll move the U.S. closer to activating a draft than any other time in the last half century. So you're automatically signed up and also you're signed up for the intro to Spanish, the geography of Venezuela. They mail you a giant wrench, hard hat overalls, and oil resistant boots. Yeah, why doesn't it just use ice? Ice should just go round up all the 18-year-olds. Just show up at every high school graduation and cart them away. Yeah, a lot easier to tackle than a guy who's been, you know, doing yard work 12 hours a day for the last 20 years.

Exactly. By the way, how do you burn a digital draft card? What's the protest going to look like now? Oh, I like that. Yeah. You just got to throw your phone in some sort of incinerator. What would Jesus do? According to one Christian pastor, he would use the F slur.

You know what the F slur is? Well, I'm gathering what it would, because I then I know the story. It's about homosexuals. Yes, that F word. Maga pastor and self-proclaimed prophet Hank Kuniman of One Voice Ministries is facing criticism for his claim that Jesus would not only approve of using the anti-gay slur, but did also pretty much the same thing himself. In a video, Cooneman discusses the biblical story of Jesus cleansing the table.

quote, turning, cleansing the temple, quote, turning over the tables. I'm sure one of them probably had those tables fall on their foot. The disciple said, hey, by the way, go to hell, Herod, referring to King Herod, King of Galilee. Go tell Herod the fox. Now that word, Fox was not, oh, go tell that sly fox. No, literally translation of sly fox is basically someone who is bisexual. He paused to let it sink in. I've heard some people use the word and then he says the F word,

that it literally meant to call out Herod's sexual immorality and lifestyle as a bisexual human being. Jesus involved himself. He was not afraid to speak up. Yeah. So Jesus wasn't from Jerusalem. He was from Austin. Did he call Caesar a retard?

He did 10 minutes on trans Christians playing women's basketball? I think, like, let's say all of a son, appear, right? This is how I think it would go with me. All right, listen, you didn't believe in me at all. I'm like, no, I mean, I think you were a person, but like, you know, he's like, right, right, right, right. Listen, I actually have bigger fish to fry

with these guys in Texas who think I always used hate speech. So you know what? You're cool. I got to go, I got to go kill some people. Right, right. Do you think if there is a heaven, and I don't know what the

criteria are, but say the criteria are actually what the Bible tells people to do in terms of helping the poor. And money is, you know, a rich man, it's easier to get through an eye of a needle than to get into heaven. And not judging people. Like all the things in the Bible, do you think if there is a gateway to heaven and there is a St. Peter, and he uses those criteria, that people that were evangelicals would have a better chance or a worse chance of getting it to have it. Worse.

Because it's so against the teachings. Yeah. To be against so many human beings. Are you kidding me? Right. It's judgmental. It's unbelievably judgmental. But getting back to Jesus and this gay slur,

he must have used it a lot. When you think about all the dudes walking around sandals and then wearing togas, which are, let's be real. Atoga is a summer dress. And you've seen their hair. They look like John Bon Jovi out there. I mean, left and right. He must have been throwing it around like crazy.

Oh, yeah. Those were some parties. There's a reason why they had 12 guys in a room and nobody was allowed in for a couple hours. Yeah, we're just eating dinner. Yeah. Hey, John the Baptist, can you put a little lotion on my forehead? Do you think they called it the Last Supper? They, they, hey God, why are you, why do you keep saying this is the last supper? What do you know?

Yeah, right. It's like, it's like calling World War I, World War I as it's happening. It's like, oh, oh, what does that mean? I remember Chris Rock was on Letterman and he referred to his wife as his first wife. Yeah. They also took out the part where Pontius Pilate called Jesus the N-word. and they only did it because they didn't want modern Christians to know that he wasn't white. No, you've got to hide that.

President Trump is expected to sign an executive order that would reschedule marijuana to a lower drug classification. So it would no longer be a Schedule 1 drug, which means it has no accepted medical use, high potential for abuse, to a Schedule 3 drug, which is moderate to low potential for physical and psychological dependence. The White House official warned that while the signing was planned for Thursday, that timing could shift. Typical. Typical pothead fashion. They're already putting it off for another day. Yeah, exactly. And just in time, he wants everyone to get high before they're all shipped to South America.

Oh, yeah. Right. That'll help. Yeah, the way this country's going, there is an executive order to get every citizen on drugs. That's their last ditch effort to make anything make sense anymore. I wonder, so there's a lot of speculation. The Epstein stuff, so we're taping this on Thursday. And the Epstein stuff is, I think, supposed to come out.

Is it the 20th? Anyway, and they're all thinking, because all the ships have been lined up off Venezuela, that a big distraction is coming. I wonder, as people listen to this, what's transpired? Hopefully nothing. Well, when you see the plaques put up of the former president. Oh, my God. You just got to go, if you're a reporter, you just got to look at that and walk away.

You don't write anything down. You don't put it in your paper or your blog. You just let it fucking go. It is a distraction. He, you know, Trump would have made, I think, a very good athlete. Like when you look at the Jordan documentary and all these things, it's he's the, he's so petty and, and, and it's vengeance. And it's like his speech last night, oh, he just is screaming about Biden. Like, let it.

There's no ability to let it go. Yeah. He has a nemesis and it drives. him. Right, right, right. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's truly nonstop. Right. And, uh, have you seen Biden give a speech lately? No. Dude, it's really good that he did not run and win. Oh, man. I mean, he is shuffling and he doesn't even turn his head when he's speaking anymore. Well, I think what would have.

happened is not to excuse it at all, but I imagine he would have won and then, of course, it would have been handed over to someone. Speaking of aging, let's get a- He would not have won, but I mean, if that was the plan, I guess. All right, what are we got? Also, Biden doesn't want to go out because he can't remember anybody's names anymore. He wants him. He loves his couch. Yeah. Entertainment. Is that where we're going? No, ethical question. Uh, oh, right, ethical question. Here we go. All right. All right.

It's my turn. So you're in a department store. You're shopping. Yes. You're shopping with your daughters. I just did that. Okay. You're sitting on a bench while they shop.

You peer in and you can see the dressing room. There is a very attractive woman. Age appropriate. Not my daughter. Nope. And she is taking off clothes to put on bathing suits and the curtain is not fully closed. Do you look or do you not look? That is tough.

the ethical answer is, no, you don't look. So we could just end it there. But boy is, but then putting ethics aside. Is that what this, is that what this drill is? Putting ethics aside. That's hard not to, because part of it is you're looking at, if I'm being, and I, it doesn't sound like I'm being honest, part of it is the spectacle of it? Like, is she going to see that the curtain keeps moving?

moving? Is it like I definitely wouldn't look if it was like a window and then there it's simple as anything. There's a naked woman through there who doesn't realize there's a window. You wouldn't look at that? I don't think so. Oh my God. I would pull up a chair, get some fucking binoculars. Well, I mean, by definition, I've seen it, right? That's how I know it exists. Or she's about to take off her shirt. I don't think I'd look. There's something, believe it or not, I don't think I'd look. I think that would be really, but when there's a current that is moving

and maybe you're stealing glances, then you're like, is she going to realize that? Anyway, I don't know. None of it makes sense to me as a talk. There was a woman, two rows behind me on the flight, a fat Korean woman who was breastfeeding. Okay.

A kid who was clearly two and a half years old. And I walked to the bathroom and I saw it. And then on my way back, I really slowed up. And I peered over her shoulder. big, fat, beautiful breast. And, uh, and, and then I would, like, keep going, grandpa. What are you looking at?

And no, I was like, hey, if he can look at that age, I can look at my age. Yeah, the kid had a watch on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The kid was playing a video game while he was sucking on that. Yeah. Um, all right. Let's get, uh, oh, I had another one.

Another one. Oh. Do you tip on coffee? I don't know. It all, it's a, I do not feel obligated. That's for sure. And I've been pressing zero on a lot of tipping situations. I have to.

I've transitioned. I just look at them and I go, all right, you're getting maybe 25 customers an hour. So what do you, you're getting $30, $30 in tips an hour? Sometimes it's built into transactions. It's just in their. software. So it's like I'm getting a book. Well, what is this tipping or whatever it is? Or I go to pick up food. And then they get a tipping. I was like, wait a minute. Did you drive to my house and hand it to me? Or did you even like ask me for it at a table and then come back with it?

I go, I don't tip on picking up food. No, when you're picking up food from a restaurant, you're like, so you want to tip as I'm the same as the person who's sitting down where you have to do the laundry for the napkins, the laundry for the table, a cloth. You have to do the dishwasher for all that. You got to refill the salt shakers after work. The plates, you're going to wash all the plates, all the silverware. There's a candle. The heat in here, the music, and then of course, the labor of my weight person. Right. And the difficulty of being with Dennis Gobbins and Mikey Fitzgibbon, who are ordering, it takes 12 minutes to order. I shouldn't even pay you full price for the pasta because the pasta that the person's sitting down is getting is has all those costs

except the waiter baked in. All right. You would still be a restaurant if, uh, if you just sold your pasta and the waiters had to fend for themselves and not get tipped. Okay. You got a friend that works for Procter Gamble. And he says to you, we're about to get absorbed by blah, blah, blah. We're going to get bought out next week.

is it okay for you to buy the stock? I don't care. I am buying it. Okay. If somebody, say you got a neighbor. That's on him. He leaked it. Your neighbor has raging parties next door, keeps the windows open. You've asked him to tone it down. He tells you to fuck off. Is it okay to order 15 magazines and send them to his house? Yeah, that's going to escalate.

That's going to wind up with someone in a ditch. The first thing is going to be a keyed car, I think. Well, he doesn't know you did it. Yeah, I don't know. I think he would think he would think I did. All right, so this isn't about ethics. This is about retribution. What do you mean?

Well, I'm saying you're making this decision based on what he's going to do back to you, not on whether or not it is ethically okay. Oh, I see what you're saying. That's fine. I think you should read a little more and maybe get quieter over there. Right. I would rationalize it that way. Yeah.

Okay. And finally. Okay. Wow. Picture yourself in your early 20s. You've got a roommate and that roommate does a lot of drugs, hasn't paid the rent in three months and has a stack of money. sitting on his dresser, is it okay for you to take some of that money and pay the rent with it?

I would take it and then talk to him. Oh, leverage. I, like in Louis, I haven't done it yet. Yeah. But it's almost like a security deposit. I have in my hand now. Let's talk about this. This has to go to the landlord, bro.

Gun to the head conversation. I like it. And so I think ethically that's okay because if push came to shove, if it was terrible, I could hand it back to him if he had a good enough excuse or whatever. So I haven't acted, you know, it hasn't left the house yet. All right. Let's get to entertainment. All right. Here we go.

Here we go. Entertainment. All right. The Rolling Stones have called off plans for a 2026 stadium tour of the UK. Wow. The band is saying the guitarist Keith Richards was unable to commit to it. They nearly completed a new album and planned the tour, but Richard turns 82 and is said to be unable to commit to the rigors of another tour.

They say that in recent years, he's faced challenges due to a long battle with arthritis, which he said has forced him to change his style of playing. Who knew? It would be Keith's health that slowed down the band. I can't even believe. They just were, I mean, it's a little like Dylan. They're constantly on tour. They just had an album, which actually had some good tracks on it.

The Lady Gaga. Yeah, yeah. But sounds of heaven or whatever. I will see them every time they tour until they die because the last time I saw them, we all went together. And is that when we were in the box? Were we in a luxury box on that one? I think we were. Yeah, yeah, it was.

and they bring it man they fucking bring it I still get goosebumps when they come out and play tumbling dice I'm just like this is rock and roll like it'll never be played again

he's also whether you like the stones or not already he's also like our canary in a coal mine like it's just you feel like oh man I have a lot more time when you see this 80 something year old running around

the stadium singing like he's in his 30s it's crazy I think he's might also be concerned that he doesn't remember the roadies names and faces when he goes on tour. And he has a nice couch at home. And he and Keith and the wife are killing it with their music selections. Yeah.

Look, if Mick can push himself through six decades of having syphilis, Bill Wyman can raise a kid in his 70s. Keith can place some simple bar chords. And I think a bunch of them have young children at home. No, Bill Wyman. Bill Wyman had a kid at 63 years. years old. And Mick, I wonder how Mick's youngest kid is. It's young. It might be on its way still. It's crazy. Soon they really are going to be the Rolling Stones.

What do you mean? They're going to be in wheelchairs. Oh, I like it. I'm glad I asked for explanation. Let's make America Florida. Let's do it. Florida man charged after allegedly cutting open and biting a raw hog carcass at a popular photo spot. So I'm like, all right, I wonder what photo. It's probably a pier or something.

This is on my dad's block. No. Yes. I can see this clock from his window. Palm Beach police were called to the town's landmark clock tower on the morning of November 23rd by a witness who saw a man cutting up a dead animal before driving away. The witness believed it was a German shepherd dog being cut up.

It wasn't. Keep listening, everybody. It was not the German shepherd. It revealed the suspect to be Jonathan Houston, 27. He told police the animal was a hog and emailed a video he had taken. Houston reportedly something record, oh, often records videos of himself with dead animals and posts them to social media. The video shows Houston holding up a dead hog that is split open and then biting into it.

house his Instagram account, which focused on similar content, had approximately 3,000 followers as of December 10th. Well, yeah. So he's a social influencer. So maybe he's on only fans. And he misunderstood when his viewers told him to put a hog in his mouth. A big fat hog in his mouth. Yeah.

All of Long Island was waiting and watching him to do. Oh, my God. Don't you get tricked it? What's the thing you get when you eat raw pork? Trichinosis? Trichinosis, yeah. I think a lot of things can happen. Yeah, he's misunderstanding good Southern barbecue.

I know that. Yeah, give it me raw. What are you doing, man? No, so that, that, what you'm going to call it, clock tower. Not only that, first of all, Palm Beach, obviously, you think, you know, you had connotations. It's fancy and you get all these images. This is on. Maybe the fanciest block in America.

And I am definitely including Rodeo Drive. It is at the end of Worth Avenue. And Worth Avenue is next level. Literally makes Rodeo Drive look like a mall. Wow. Yeah. So this is, and there's very, by design, very little parking right around there. So anyway, a lot of pedestrian traffic.

This guy was seen for sure. Let's make America flor. Florida. Here we go. We're doing it again, but it's a Florida woman. A Florida woman facing serious federal fraud charges was arrested Wednesday morning after deputies discovered she was driving to court in a stolen vehicle. After being the best is her response.

After being handcuffed, Clark reportedly acknowledged a situation. Oh, I know why. That's what she said to them when they asked, if she knew why she was being arrested. She was headed to the federal courthouse because she's on trial for a federal crime. Clark was indicted in May on charges including conspiracy, wire fraud, and money laundering.

Get this. Prosecutors allege she and five others submitted 92 fraudulent COVID relief applications netting 29 million in paycheck protection program funds. Why just rent a car? You have the money. What are you doing? You forgot. Clark was free on a $250,000 bond.

That's not even one check that she stole. She's out and she's gone. If you think a woman who stole a car to get to court is not a flight risk? Soon as her bond posted, she drove home in the judge's car. That's how she was. rolls. Oh, I know why. Oh, I know why. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. That's good. I mean, Jesus, those were big accounts. 92. So basically, $300,000 per claim. Oh, wow. I got the PPP, by the way. Did you get the PPP loan from the government? I think I did. I think I did year one of COVID, right? Was that when it was? I got a year one.

and I think I got it year two. I mean, look, I was out of work. I couldn't go on the road. The clubs were all closed. I had fucking mortgage payments to make. Everything shut down. It was crazy. All right.

So, especially in California. Where are we going next? Let's do international. All right, here we go. Let's give a nice long show because we're not doing one next week. Oh, boy, I got to find some energy then. Okay. Finland's delegate to last month's Miss Universe pageant held in Thailand has sparked controversy

and outrage after a photo of her pulling the corners of her eyes went viral. I somehow missed what that meant when I first read it, but this is, I love her. Sarah Zofsi, who has been stripped of her Miss Finland Crown, uploaded the photo with the caption, quote, eating with a Chinese. The slanted eyes pose is often seen as disrespectful to East Asians. The post drew backlash from all over Asia and even, against her country's flag carrier, Finn Air.

She claimed it was her reaction to a headache during dinner. She said a friend added the offensive caption. And without her consent, I heard Ms. China got her back by posting a photo of herself allowing Nazis to occupy her house. That's a very pretty, that's a pretty believable excuse. but it's hard to trust her because, you know, the Asians are so sneaky. Yes.

So she might be really coy here and very sneaky. The irony is most of the women in the pageant have already had their eyes surgically pulled back. That's a good point. I mean, is this the equivalent of blackface? Is that like in terms of the offense? Is that a fair comparison? I mean, yeah, I mean, you're a different. depicting the people as they look, but you shouldn't be doing it.

Yeah. Do you think if you're Blazian, you would do the black face with the eyes pulled back? That is interesting. I want to see someone do that. Wow. I mean, we had literally one Asian kid in our entire school. And guess what her parents did? They, I have no.

Every guest is not going to sound. They own the Shanghai Inn in Tarrytown, the one Chinese restaurant. And then I've traveled. I have traveled the country extensively, as you know. And I used to do a lot of colleges, which would be in like small towns in the upper Midwest. There was always one Chinese restaurant. And there was, so that means it was always only one Chinese family in that area. Right.

Such a weird dynamic. Like I remember Betsy Ho, was a girl in my class. That was her parents. And she was such a sweet girl. And she was pretty. And I just remember like she kind of never was quite in the group. You know, I think she always felt a little bit.

And I always felt bad about that. And I wish that I just had sex with her. There it is. Yeah, nothing would have made her feel more welcome and part of the fabric than you ruining her. I hopefully it was a good Chinese. If you have a good Chinese, there's none around here. If you had a good Chinese restaurant, I mean, like, that was the move. There was no apps to get all your meals.

It was either pizza or Chinese. Yep. And the Chinese, you would get chicken wings a lot of times. The egg rolls were awful. Now, the only good Chinese on the west side is I like Mao's chicken. on the beach. Yeah, I don't know. It's all right.

I don't know. All right, let's go to science. We're all blinded me. Here we go. Science. Okay. Research has uncovered a compelling connection between the shingles vaccine

and reduced risk of dementia, showing that the shot may not only prevent dementia, but also slow its progression of people that already have it. The foundation for these findings came from a shingles vaccine program launched in Wales. They allowed residents age 79 and older to receive the vaccine, creating distinct groups of vaccine eligible and vaccine ineligible individuals based purely on birth dates. So although after a year, most of the people who didn't get the vaccine could no longer remember their birthdays. I think it might be too late because the vaccine, the shingles vaccine, there's two of them.

Yeah. And you get them basically a year apart or you'd get it on the next time you're at the doctor. And I had no memory when he said I was up for my second one that I had gotten the first one. Yeah. So it might have been a little too late for me. So you're saying the dumb, the people dumb enough to not get vaccines are about to get even dumber than everybody else? Well, it's not dumb as they're just, their brains. disappearing.

That's all. I think I need a shingle shot immediately. Yeah. Can you go to a Christmas party? Yeah. Oh, my God. All right, let's cut it down to this day in history. This day in history.

This is big. I did fucking great last week. We'll see how I do this week. There's a lot of like premieres this week, if I'm recalling this correctly. Oh, okay. Uh-oh. Where is it? Oh, there it is.

Okay. Bah, humbug, Greg. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens was published for the first time on this day. In what year, give or take, 40 years? You're giving me 40 years on that? On a Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens' first publication. 1890. See?

1843. No. Oh, look at that. I love it. 1843, no shit. It became an instant classic. Webenuser Scrooge. How about that, huh?

Damn. And I was going, oh, I was shooting further back than I thought. It was right. I think he was serialized, I believe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm thinking of David Copperfield and stuff. but a lot of his stuff was serialized and paid by the word. All right. Titanic, James Cameron's Titanic premiered on this day in what year, give or take, four years.

All right. Leonardo DiCaprio is currently about, I'm going to say he's 44. He was about 30 when this came out. So 14 years ago. I'm going to say 2000. That is when you think young Leonardo DiCaprio and young Kate Winslet were in Titanic. All right. Give me another chance.

2006. 1997. No. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. How old is Leo? Is he older than I guessed?

Yeah. Look it up on your phone while I do. Yeah. All right. God, I fear this one. What year did the clockwork orange come out? Give or take.

God, I think I have to be like seven years. Give or take seven years. I'll look up to Caprio's age. I'll say 1976. What was my give or take? Seven years. Uh, 1971.

Got it. Yeah. I don't know. DiCaprio is 51 years old. No shit. Okay. Yeah. That's what I guessed.

So I said 20. Oh, no. I meant to go 20 years back. Okay. You're not doing so hot. You're not ending the year. No. All right.

This next one I'm going to get. Yeah. Where was the? They're all like premieres. I'm trying to. Oh, because it's December. This is when all the big movies are. always premiere.

Well, get the Oscars. They're fresh in the Oscar. All right. Let's see how you do with this one. It's a wonderful

life. Frank Capra. Frank Capra. It premiered. It's a wonderful life. I'm going to I'm going to give you five, give or take five years

because I think you're going to get this. Jimmy Stewart. I believe it was in black and white. It was. So I'm going to say 1949. 1946 There we go

This is how I thought you'd get it Jimmy Stewart had just come back from the war Oh right Yeah Yeah yeah yeah And of course the storyline in it As the war Okay last one

Well I could ask it this way What Okay what year And also what state was the first to secede from the union? What year and what state that led to the, you know, in the buildup to the Civil War?

So what state is your bonus question, but what year do you think the first state seceded, give or take three years? Oh, Jesus. Well, come on. All right, I'm going to say 1840. Don't say that. 1860.

You nailed it on the nose. All right. 1860. And I'm going to say it was Virginia. That's a good guess. South Carolina. That was going to be my second guess. Yeah.

So there you go. I mean, South's right in the name. With a couple of adjustments, I got too right. Yeah, it was not a strong end to it. No, that wasn't good. All right. Are we doing letters to the editor? Let's do a letter to the editor.

There you go. This comes from Alex and Jackie, who co-wrote this. Both of them, okay. My wife and I are big fans of the show. We listen to every episode. The most recent one, we were listening in the car, as usual. What does that mean? You're driving an hour and 20 minutes every Sunday?

They pull over a lot. We had to shut it off because Mike's audio was so terrible. We couldn't hear him at all. Oh. I know Mike was tired because he had a fun night out in New York City. Dude, you were fucking hung over last week. Yeah, I was low energy. And we really enjoy hearing him talk about his love for New York,

but it sounded like he was sitting way back in his chair or not taking attention to speaking volume. This is often a problem, and he isn't the consummate broadcaster that you are. No, no. But this time it was really unbearable. Can you please talk to Mike about this problem? All right. So I also have a man's voice, which is a little deeper than your lady voice. Yeah.

I told you I took a voice class. Yeah. So, yeah, so we got complaints that I was actually a little high last week. And Mike was low. So we made some adjustments. So hopefully it is better this week. Well, yeah. Listen, I don't understand why whatever audio system the producers use doesn't recognize

I'm low. It sounds like I was consistently low. But I think it hears your voice and then lowers both of our volumes. Oh, is that your theory on sound production? That's my theory. Interesting. Based on what? Just I'm an audio engineer. Yep. And so yeah, that's how that goes. All right. We already did the obituary. We talked about Rob Reiner earlier. So let's cut straight to the funnies. All right. Here we go. Funnies. Okay. All right, last week, the comedy captioned contest we do every week. I give you guys one frame of a comic.

You guys then write punchlines and you mail it in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We select what we think are the top contendees. We read them on the air and then vote. The winner gets a coozy mail to him with lightning speed. Yes, no, they're going out. I got stamps. And we're doing it. All right.

We should get stamps.com as a fucking client. And then maybe you can send them out through that. I'll just send stamps. Yeah. I'll send, basically I'll put a stamp on an envelope and your address. And then that's your stamp. There won't be anything in the envelope. Yeah, yeah.

All right. Last week's one frame is there are six football players. They've formed a pyramid. Their legs are kicked out. their arms are kicked out. It's very much like a cheerleading squad. Sean from Ontario said all the way from Philadelphia. Please welcome the not so tight, tight ends.

Yeah, I know what Jesus would call these guys. Yep. Flesh try says JETS. Jets. Jets. Gay. That's the perfect chant. Kurt Geeb says, new NFL rules 7.1, 2021, 2020. players must form a human pyramid to signal a challenge flag. Okay, that was a long way to go.

Yeah. Brian Walker said, I knew these gay cheerleaders were going to be trouble. Matt said, I thought we fired Sandusky. Matt sent that in and then followed up. And then I said, all right, thanks, Matt. And then he wrote back, what? You don't think that's funny? It's like, what do you guys want for me?

What do you want? Like a breakdown? You know how many fucking jokes I get? Yeah. That was a good one, Matt. I can't hold your hand through all of this. I'm very happy for you. Nice boundaries.

Brian Woodhouse said all of our rehearsals in the showers are finally paying off. Okay. Ron Vorek said, I'm surprised everyone is in full uniform. People on the bottom of a pyramid usually lose their shirts. Clever? Yeah. Yuri Chattel said, There was a flag on the play, a pride flag.

All right, very close to the word Jesus uses. A lot of homosexuality brought out here. Yes. Brian Rochelle said there were some hints that Michigan had not hired a new coach in time for the bowl game. That's topical. That's nice. He sidestepped the gay thing. Zach from Yuma said Green Bay's end zone celebrations have gotten more fabulous

ever since they changed their name to the fudge backers. Wow. He went there. I love the word fabulous. And then there was another F word in there. Okay. Stephen Mann Graham said after the sudden deportation of Bad Bunny, the NFL had to think fast for a Super Bowl halftime show. That's pretty smart also.

Rich Kennedy said, welcome to the NFLGBQ Plus, et cetera. All right. I think plus. Strong week. Strong week, everybody. Does Plus take care of, et cetera? Yes. I think it does.

Yeah. Or is, I never thought about that. Or is plus like one of the categories? No, I think that's a good question. Like there's gay, there's bisexual, trans, queer, and then plus just means you're a lot. You're a lot. You're plus. Yeah.

I think that those five letters cost us the election, by the way. Yeah. You mean the people or the letters? Actually, he left one out. Isn't there an L in there? I think it's LGPT plus. Six letters. I think those six letters cost us.

Well, maybe he took that out because they're all, they all, I think, are at least so far in the NFL men. Oh. But there's also A for Asexual. Yeah. But no one in the NFL is asexual. How do you beat? How do you beat your girlfriend or wife if you're asexual? I mean, maybe you do.

Maybe that's why it's happening. You got to push yourself. That's what you learn when you play in the big game. I liked a lot of these. Okay. I think, let's see. Some finalists might be JETS Jets, Jess, gay. Because it's got a good rhythm to it.

It does have a good rhythm, but it's, yeah, it's not the smartest one, but I don't need smart. Sandusky was good, but I'm penalizing Matt for following up. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think rehearsals in the shower are finally paying off was funny. Yeah. So many good ones.

Bad Bunny. A flag on the play, a pride flag. Yeah. Oh, we're so dumb, man. The L is the last letter of NFL. I think Rich gets it. I think Rich gets it. You want to give it a rich?

Okay, Rich, congratulations. Brevity is the soul of wits. Always look at your punchlines and go, can I lose a word? What absolutely doesn't need to be in this joke? And then look for the kind of rhythm that the Jets joke had in it. So welcome to the NFLGBQ plus. Jets, Jets, Jets, gay. That's what they should chant in the stadium.

Next week, the comic is, it's very simple. You have two weeks to work on this. There's a cat sitting at a desk. He's got a piece of paper in his hand. He is talking to a dog who is seated across from him. It's an office kind of situation. Go with it. This gives you a very wide berth.

Yeah. We went from a very specific one to a very general one. Two weeks, send it in to win. The lock horns, they're standing online, and the poster says, nutcracker. Loretta's with another couple and she goes, Leroy couldn't come. He said he has a nut allergy. Ah, it's a good excuse to get out. I didn't know if that one was funny or not, but I kind of liked it.

Not that funny. No. They're in the store and Loretta's got a box in her hand and Leroy goes, choose wisely Loretta. It says Christmas lights. Choose wisely Loretta. Once they're up, they're never coming down. I like that. we've got hagger and lucky are in a forest there is a sleeping princess she has kind of a plunging neckline high cheekbones dark brunette hair very attractive and uh hagger goes they call her sleeping beauty and then lucky goes she's perfect and then she starts snoring and hagger goes nobody is perfect

and then in the next frame they pull her skirt up and ravage her they don't I like that R word. That's a better R word. I don't think it's going to hit the algorithm. I think that they should put out the Hager the Horrible comic book, but we should be able to add the final frame of each comic. I don't think the Vikings needed perfect. I don't think they needed perfect.

I don't think they walked away from imperfect. You think she was making grunting noises while she was sleeping? Yeah, wait to wait to you. Yes. It's like snuck, snuck, snuck, snore. So it's all those like, you know, letters that are sort of conveying a sound is being made. Yeah, those get quite changed with more exclamation points. A lot of exclamation points.

Yeah. And then finally some ellipses. Yes. Before we get into Blondie, here's, I thought this is a funny one from the onion. Travis Kelsey worried Patrick Mahomes, ACL tear will derail the Harlem shake groomman entrance. I like that one. And then wait, there was another one.

Let's do two here. Where was it? Well, that's political. Maybe we don't do it. New research reveals ancient Egyptians received significant help from parents while building pyramids. We avoided politics. There we go.

All right. Finally, we've got Dagwood. and he is out front in front of the house and he's picking up a gift wrapped what looks like a ball and he goes honey is this your Amazon delivery and she goes wait that's a Christmas surprise and then she puts it under the tree

and as she does she has on a pink top plunging neckline a navy blue skirt just above her knee and she is bent over would you say she's presenting that's the I would say you would say you would say she's presenting. She has her ass pointed directly at Dagwood Bumset. And he's looking right at it.

He's looking right at it. And she goes, so no peeking until December 25th. And he goes, hmm, this must be some surprise. And now he's got it in his hand. And he goes, I wonder if this is the bowling ball I asked for. And she's out of frame saying, and no guessing. Now,

how is she out of frame? How is he holding the ball and not the round cheek of her ass? As he hiking that skirt up above her head and dropping those fucking ugly black pants while that blue dog just moans while just whimpers at the at the domination his two own his owner is showing over his wife yes in his tiny little brain he's like let me pick up uh let me grab this thing with three holes yeah and that's what he grabbed let me get my fingers in this in this in this

round thing with a couple of holes in it. Yeah. Jesus Christ. God, what a way to end the year, Dagwood. Anyway, you guys, thank you for a great year. Yeah. 2025 was a rocky one for the show. But we got a new agent. We got ads coming in. We didn't want to let you down. So we pushed through it. And we appreciate your loyalty. Of course. Amazing. We're only doing it because we get the nicest. We don't need the letters. We know you all feel that way, I guess. And especially if you're still listening at this hour.

Yeah. At this late minute of the podcast, you are a dedicated listener. And thank you. We just hit one hour and 30 minutes exactly. It's like the old days. And we want to remind you guys to donate money to the cause of your choice at the end of the year. I recommend best buddies.org. It's a group I work with.

They help people with intellectual disabilities. Amazing group. They help them find internships and housing and a lot of social opportunities. So go there. Check out the website. Get involved. Don't just give money, but give your time. It's just a joy.

That's fantastic. Anything you want to promote, Mike? Yeah, I mean, I think people, you can, it's tax right off, give another donation of the young Republicans of California. You know, because, you know. What are they going to buy with the money? Well, no, it trickles down. That's the whole, all the problems are solved when it trickles down because they put it back into the economy. And what do you think the young Republicans are going to buy with the money that we donate to them?

I'm sure they're just going to buy lots of, they're going to build food shelters. And they're going to free meals. Yep. And maybe meals on wheels, but it's like, you know, a roll. Royce or something like that. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Better wheels for the meals for the homeless. Good.

Yeah, so it'll be great. All right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year and we'll talk to you soon. Take itish. Take itish. I've been waiting seven days for Sunday. If you and Greg and Mike have to say about the breaking news and the

opics of the week, the tabloid trash and the Florida freaks. Sunday May birth podcast