Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 296 1/11/26

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Mike is busy head-writing the Golden Globes while Greg is at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. A walrus penis was stolen from a Cheesesteak joint in Jersey, RFK Jr is making sense and a woman in Louisiana thinks she’s a mermaid. http://meetfabric.com/papers⁠ support our sponsor! Watch Greg’s latest special, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠“You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest” Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Find Mike on Venmo here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTime⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Make sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmons⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Mike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full-body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today, and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life.

Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Sunday From the news today It is the Sunday papers Yes Let's do it I apologize in advance I'm a little subhuman

Working on the globes And the news this week Has made it A little challenging down the stretch Like How do you You know treat this as important When so much is going on

So that's one challenge. A lot going on. And it's a little hard. I take a little break. It's very hard doing Sunday papers because sometimes I need a break from the news. I need to just really focus on my masturbation. And, you know, it's hard sometimes. Luckily, we get most of the stories wrong, which helps us psychologically, I think.

Yes. That's one part. Yeah. So tell me about the Golden Globes. So what are you doing? You're running around with Nikki Globes? Glaze are going to the clubs? Yeah, we're out late last night and then back to the, we're going back today.

So today is, is today Friday? Today's Friday, January 9th. So first rehearsals are today. So, and, oh yeah, this comes out on Sunday. So, you know, I, you know, I don't like showing people what we're working on, including the bosses. And so let's just say I sent a script to the Globes last night that didn't have everything in it. And so, but yeah, she's doing four sets a night or something like that at clubs in L.A. Trying to perfect it.

But, you know, we just have to strike the right tone of like, you know, not dwelling on it, but also putting this in perspective that this is an escape, you know. How many writers are running around to the clubs with her? Last night we had a van, a sprinter van. I was in my car, though. And last night was the most, I'd say. Last night was maybe six or seven of us running around. No fucking way.

So you guys are showing up to the club and six riders are standing in the back of the room? No, backstage. Oh. The improv makes it easy because that upstairs room. And then the store last night, we go in the entrance furthest west, you know, on sunset. and we just pile in there and stand next to all the like stacked chairs in that hallway. Yes. Yes. And then, no, but everywhere we go, like you'll see like Tim Dillon and then they chime in and Kevin Nealyn and Apatow and they'll all like pitch a tag or a joke and she takes those very seriously.

You mean they just happen to be at the club and they're pitching stuff? Well, they watch her set. So when we come off, they're like, oh, my God, you know what you should say about Sean Penn here. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Or she'll go on Jimmy Kimmel, which she was this week. And then she'll literally whisper a joke to him. Like, that wasn't fake about a certain celebrity who she knows he knows.

And also he's done a lot of these, the Oscars and such. And like, do you think he'll be mad or take that personally? Yeah. And so Jimmy gave us a green light. So one joke made it back in. about Sean Penn. And so, yeah, it's good. And, you know, the other thing about, you know,

the balancing act is, because you know me, I could just very much be like, this means nothing compared to, you know, the big picture of things. But if you are coming to this, if you are going to be watching the Globes tonight, Sunday night, you are either really into the Globes

or you have decided to shut off the news and this is an escape. So it really should be good. In other words, for those people who are coming there, you know what I mean? So that's how I treat it seriously. Sure, don't watch it. I understand that also. But if you are coming to watch it, that's why our sleeves are rolled up and we're doing the best we can.

All right, good. Yeah. All right. Hopefully there's not too many political speeches. I know. We have to worry that, you know, that's a balancing act. We can't control. Yeah.

Right. So we're minimizing. Who do you think is most likely to make a political statement? Well, that's a twofold question because then I have to predict who wins. DiCaprio won't. I don't think Salome will. Sean Penn, I think will. Yeah.

Maybe who's going to win foreign film? That might just be, I don't know, is the answer. If it's Korean. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to tell who, because it's really hard to tell who's going to win. They came around the room and they starred. We have a big board, right? With every, like, so five names on it for best supporting actress.

And they put asterisks next to favorites. And, man, I couldn't have been more wrong. Like, I'm like, what? Like, they'll put asterisk by two names. And they don't know anything. They're just, you know, sort of, you know, they're just putting their finger in the ear. and feeling which way the wind's blowing. And it's very, so I can't even guess who's going to win.

Well, speaking of awards, I'm in Cleveland, Ohio, playing at Hilarities Comedy Club, which I love. There's a guy named Nick Costas, who's this Greek guy that owns the place. It's been going for 40 years. And it's just comedians love playing here. Nick treats you like a superstar. The restaurant is like four. Four star.

Who came up with the name? His grandfather? Yeah, it's bad. He's corny. Nick is corny. But everybody loves him. And the crowds are amazing. Cleveland crowds, because it's kind of mixed.

It's not blue or red. It's kind of both. And so you can kind of do anything. And, you know, the other comics are great. It's just great. It's great being. But anyway, today I'm going to go to the Rock and Roll. of Fame.

And I was so excited. Every time I'm here, it's right down the block. Literally, it's a 10-minute walk to the Hall of Fame. Never been. Never been? No. I either have insert the name of your favorite band that's not there. It's amazing.

But I'm looking at, you know, they always have like a temporary exhibit. And right now, two of them, two of them, John Bon Jovi and John Mellencamp. So maybe that should be the alley of fame next door. Yeah, maybe that should be a little, like a little gallery of fame. Yeah, that should be like the little club next door should have it separate. This is what America loves. America thinks I watched that John Bon Jovi documentary. Oh, wow.

I have a lot on my list ahead of that. The first half hour, you're looking at this teenage kid who's hanging around the Jersey Shore at the clubs. he gets into a band early. He's super good looking, charismatic. Everybody loves him. He decides to do originals instead of being a cover band. By 17, he's already decided this. And you're like, wow, this guy's fucking great.

And then he sings his first song and you're like, oh yeah, Bon Jovi sucks. It's awful. Okay. And then John Mellencamp, no, I actually think he's got some of the great American songs of all time. I have a soft spot for Mellencamp. I remember some of his albums I liked. Beyond, what was it?

What was the, I guess the album, Pink Houses, had some really good tracks on it. I think that was the album was Pink Houses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there were some good tracks. But also, at a certain point, he was very anti-establishment. And originally his name was John Cougar.

No, John Mellencamp. It was John Mellencamp. And then he kind of like left, left his label and reinvented himself. No, they forced him to be John Cougar, yeah. And then he changed it back and kept Cougar's the middle name. So anyway, I'll be down there. That'll be fun.

And then a couple more shows tonight to tomorrow. Is it freezing? Is there snow? What's happening in your part of the country, Greg? It's like 60 degrees. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's cold here for L.A.

L.A. cold. Okay. I think you get, I think it's going to be. warm this week. Anyway, what are we talking about? The logo this week is from, we got to keep this tight. Mike's got to get back to headwriting the golden glow. Is that your title, headwriter? Yeah, but you know, uh, it's, I'm, I'm really, it's a committee and she has, she has some really great comedians and writers attached at the hip that she, she goes on tour with. They'll warm up for. And those guys are really doing most of the work. Uh, who's that?

Sean O'Connor's amazing Love him There's a guy Brian And no there's like a group that's That's really in her world And works with her a lot And then Dickie of course Yep Dickie's writing

He's doing great No but like they for instance They had just come off The previous project I'll use the word project loosely But like which was Saturday Night Live Like same thing Working the clubs

getting that monologue where she wants it. And I was no part of that. And so that's really her group who's great. And then Chris, who's extraordinary, and that's her partner. And he's an incredible producer on his own. He's great. I love Chris.

He won an Emmy for Conan O'Brien's Mark Twain Prize show, which had nothing to do with Nicky. And he's just amazing. All right. Well, good luck. Good luck Sunday night, Mike. we're all pulling for you. The Golden Globes are back. They were canceled. They were literally canceled. Like network-wise canceled and culturally canceled. And now they're back. Are there more judges

that are black or Latino or gay or switching sides or having fun? We have no idea. I don't know. They're trying to. But boy, they're really overhauling the image. This guy, Jay Penske, owns it. He also owns the Hilton and he owns seemingly every entertainment magazine out there, all of them. But the Hilton is a giant, it looks like Boston's dig. It's a giant construction site, which is the biggest, biggest painting the ass for traffic. The next four years, that intersection, which is one of the craziest in any American city and Wilshire, where they cross is a disaster. but they are building two towers like a whole. It's unbelievable what's going to be going there.

Well, so L.A. is not over. Oh, Trader Vicks is coming back. Remember that old legendary place, which was at the bottom of the plaza, Holden Caulfields Place? That's going to be that in L.A. used to be at the bottom of the Beverly Hilton. What drink did Warren Zivon have at Trader Vix? Oh, yeah, not a.

Yeah. Was it Pinatolada? Yeah, yeah. Logo from Jane asked, one of our favorites. She's probably the most prolific logo designer for us in history. A couple of balloons. We thought that would lighten your spirits today. Oh, is that what we thought?

Hey, by the way, a little teaser for you. We shot a pre-taped bit, which is not really done on the globe. So we were psyched about it. We shot a pre-taped funny bit with a friend of yours that's in it. Really? Yeah. But it's kind of a surprise. So we're so glad he said he would do it.

And we shot that last night. God, I'm trying to think who it might be. Nope. All right. Song this week from Hiram Nielsen. Real simple, definitely not AI. This one comes from the heart. Loved it.

A couple corrections from last week. These are from the YouTube comments. Somebody wrote the fitziest of all fits facts. there's zero percent you haven't gotten COVID. Well, here's my answer to that. My wife, who is a doula, a birthdala, who's around newly born infants, is totally paranoid, has been since the pandemic of getting a baby sick. So every time I came home off the road, she tested me and quarantined me for two days.

I did that for two years. VD, the whole panel? VD, crabs. She had a little comb. And so there is no chance. I was tested more than anybody you've ever met. And I never had. I know it sounds crazy.

Never had it. Did in all the changing subjects, did in all the comedy condos and dives that you stayed in all that, were there ever stories of comedians getting crabs but not from a person? I caught crabs. a sauna in Denmark when I was 18. I once, when I was probably 19, I once caught crabs, having slept with no one around that time,

and I didn't even know what it was, and I went to a dermatologist. He's like, yeah, you got it. I'm like, that's impossible. Try going to a pharmacy in Denmark and explaining to a middle-aged Danish woman who doesn't speak English that you have crabs. It was like the greatest game of charades

you've ever seen in a pharmacy. That was like me on spring break when I got chicken pox. And I just was in a clinic on Margarita Island, our beloved Venezuela. And I was like, pox de pox de polloozo. And she gave you a fried chicken with bananas in it. They eventually settled on Infirmé de Niños, I remember them saying. Okay. Tour dates coming up.

shows have been selling out. People are going crazy for the new material. Atlanta, the punchline, January 15 to 17. Austin at the mothership, January 30th through February 1st, Sacramento Punchline in February, Philly in February, Lexington in February, Houston in February. Then we got Fort Worth, a bunch of dates. Go to fitzdog.com, get some tickets, join in the fun. Also, join in ensuring your life in the best possible way. I got life insurance when my kids were born. So did I. I got term life.

It lasted 23 years. And it's just up. So I missed my opportunity to cash in on it. So let's just say an insurance company came out ahead on this one. I could still cash in. I'm still the winning hand. Oh, good for you. I'm pulling for you.

Yeah. Um, so I got it because, I mean, my wife was not working for 18 years while I was because I was traveling so much. And I knew we had a big mortgage on the house and I said, if, if I go and my father died at 53, his parents died in their 40s. Uh, so I was not a good bet. I'm surprised they took me. But, um, when you use, uh, Fabric by Gerber Life, you will find that you're going to get approved. Yeah. I mean, when you fill out the form, it's like how many, have you ever considered taking your own life?

And you have to think about that for about five, but that's not a good sign. Yeah. Start your year knowing that you did something right for your family. It's quick and easy. I felt great. I felt great about it. It's one of those things that's not expensive. when you get it and you just it's you set it and forget it and it's it's always there that's what

i did and it definitely even though i'm on year 28 or so of 30 30 my term was 30 years damn uh i feel good about it it was definitely a comfort i knew everything was taking care of god forbid it is so much cheaper than you would think. Fabric by Gerber Life is term life insurance you can get done today. Made for busy parents like you all online on your schedule right from your couch. You could be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required if you have kids. It's time, people. You may not get it through your employer. You get very little through your employer. It's not going to be enough. So, um... No way. Yeah. So there's a no risk. There's a 30 day money back guarantee. at any time, 19005-star reviews on Trust Pilot.

So do it now. Join the thousands of families of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com slash papers. That's meetfabric.com slash papers. M-E-E-T-Fabric.com slash papers. Make sure you use the promo code because there's not a discount, but it will let them know that you heard about us through the podcast, which helps us keep the advertisers

and keep the lights on. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance, company not available in certain states, prices subject to underwriting and health questions. Mike, do you have something to crankle? Here we go. It is a knee sleeve. Let's bump it.

Greg, you've done all the work this week. I thank you so much. You are welcome. I'm a little subhuman. All right, let's do it. Well, this is like this podcast is a lot, like that footprints poem, you know, where the man at the end of his life looks at the sand where he's walked and he said, God, why is it? There were two sets of footprints throughout my

life. But when I hit my hardest time, there was only one set of footprints. Why did you abandon me? And God said, you fucking idiot. I was carrying you on my back. Oh, they were God's footprints. Yep. I see. Elon Musk Company, X-A-I, is facing criticism. for failing to control misuse of its AI chatbot grok. Let me guess. Sexual? All right, go ahead. Well, Grock just sounds like the frat guy that you kind of go,

should we let him in? He seems dangerous. Sounds like a dim-witted giant tight end. Users have flooded the chatbot with sexualized images of real women after prompting it to digitally undress them and place them in suggestive poses. the recent surge and non-consensual digital undressing began in December. Grock.

This is what they should do. They should program Grock when you tell her to take her shirt off. She just has really hairy nipples. Whoa. Whoa. Just make that impossible to get around. Yeah. Just input in the software, itty-bitty-titty-committee.

Is that what's going in there? So it's a basically, so it's a bunch of guys jerking off. Do they digitally pull their own pants? pants down. Okay. Next story. A thief snatched a beloved antique walrus penis bone. I guess they have a bone

in their penis. That could come in handy. You don't? I do, but I keep misplacing it. From behind the bar of famed Camden, New Jersey cheese steak joint donkey's place. She went to the back to do

something else and then one do stole it, owner Rob Lucas told New Jersey.com. We got his picture, but I don't think he's from around town. A group of three men, what was he white? A group of three men who had been drinking for hours asked to see the walrus

penis bone and then one of them bolted with it. The weener has served as a conversation piece which Anthony Bourdain once praised the restaurant as the area's best cheese steak spot. I think I'd rather eat a walrus dick than a

cheese steak from Camden, New Jersey. I don't know. That might be my favorite cheese steak place because I'm imagining Philly people wouldn't be caught dead in there. That's true. Right? They're not going to a Jersey cheese steak place.

No, no. And it's called Donk. Come for the donkey penis. Come for the donkey, walrus bone. Sorry, it's donkey's place. Donkeys place. Very confusing. No donkey bone penis?

That's what they should. I mean, stay on. brand donkey's place. Get a donkey cock. Just go down to Mexico. Yeah. You know about those donkey shows down in Mexico, right? I mean, I've heard about them, of course.

It's hard to imagine that. What was in Godfather in Cuba? Is this the unedited version? Is this the director's cut you're talking about? Because I don't remember that. Yeah, no, there was a show. No, it's famous. They went to the show.

It was a sex show in Cuba. Yeah, but there was no donkey's cut. Donkeys. It was a sex show. I don't know. Okay. They should have. Come on, Q.

But is that an urban myth? Or do they really have women having sex with donkeys in Mexico? I don't know how many, I don't know how this many people could be talking about it. I think that had to have happened. Yeah. Okay. A Virginia airport is seeking the public's help in reuniting a missing teddy bear with its owner. Officials at Norfolk Airport.

shared a photo of the gingham-clad plushy with matching bunny slippers on Facebook with the caption, Can you help me find my owner? I was turned into ORF lost and found around 4 p.m. Nearly 2,000 people shared the post, hoping to spread the word, quote, let's get that stuffy home, one said. Close to 100 concerned commenters offered suggestions on how to locate the doll's owner, including those who said the toy resembled one sold at Build a Bear workshop. Somebody said, if it is a Build a Bear, you can contact Build a Bear, and they have barcodes inside.

They can scan to help return it to its owner. Best use of social media ever, one said, quote, this is why I love social media. Someone else agreed. Yeah, right. News flash, news flash. Instead of silence of the lamps, this is. silence of the bears. That thing is in a psychos basement covered in lotion with the ass stuffing caked in dry spooge. Whoa. Does the little girl really want it back?

Meanwhile, there's like some poor woman whose medication was lost and she is like barely breathing near the big luggage pickup. Yeah. Yeah. That's ridiculous. I mean, During, December 30th? Yeah. I think they had bigger fish to fry on December 30th in the airports than putting any attention towards this. Best use of social media ever. Okay. I don't know.

Organizing the storming of the Capitol was pretty great use of it. That was pretty good. There was, you know, fat shaming girls from the Midwest. There was accusing lacrosse players of rape that they did. didn't commit. By the way, I looked it up. It was no, the star of the Godfather sex show was the guy, Superman, the real Superman of Havana, who was a very well-endowed individual.

So it was a freak show of sorts. I wonder if that was based on a real thing. No, it was. No, 100% was. I just read about it. Oh, nice. Yeah. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.,

has announced the new dietary guidelines for Americans focused on promoting whole foods, proteins, and health fats. Don't tell me, he ate the bear that was lost in the airport. That's right. And then he left it in Central Park. That's the new pyramid. That's the top of the pyramid now, the new pyramid. The new pyramid has red meat, cheese, vegetables, and fruit at the top. He said the guidelines calling for an end to highly refined foods that are harmful to health. we are ending the war on saturated fats, a reduction in the consumption of highly processed foods with carbs, added sugars, excess sodium, unhealthy fats.

He said, we are reclaiming the food pyramid and returning it to its true purpose. Well, I scratched the record. RFK Jr. has said something that actually makes sense. This should be our leading story. his father, RFK, has temporarily stopped rolling in his grave. All his living relatives stopped typing this week's op-ed piece about him. Oh, wait, wait, wait. This just in.

RFK Jr. guts the U.S. childhood vaccine schedule despite its decades-long safety record. All right. And the typewriters are typing. The rotisserie of RFK's ass is rotating again. That's the new medical pyramid. He's changed that also. By the way, the pyramid, as if any American, it's kind of like the operating instructions for your car that sit in the glove box.

Like, no one is reading this pyramid. Who looks at this pyramid as you're opening another bag of chips? Hey, as somebody used to read the tag on the side of his mattress and not removing it because I would have been arrested, I was all about the food pyramid. So red meat. I mean, it's a podcaster's. pyramid. It sounds like to me.

Carnivore. It's all about the carnivore. The entire pyramid is red meat, white meat, and pork. It leads with red meat and cheese, but then vegetables and fruits. I think this is a diet for guys that spend three and a half hours a day at Gold's gym, which he does. No fish, huh? Okay.

No fish. I mean, it's somewhere, but not in the top, I guess. Well, this is the guy that cleaned out the Hudson River because of all the PCBs or whatever they were. No, he, I was talking about someone, talking about him with someone, oh, Alec Baldwin was talking. Baldwin is actually very, very, very involved in, in charities and environmental ones too. And I remember my family was involved with the riverkeeper in New York. He was a hero for a while there. Oh, God, yeah. With all the river, many of the river systems in the United States and fighting, pushing back against the giant oil companies, especially that were polluting.

Yep, yep. Okay. I liked him then. Ethical question. Give me a crinkle. Here it come. Okay. Is it ethically wrong?

All right. Assuming that it is consensual, assuming that nobody ever finds out for a brother and a sister to have sexual relations. I'm not even trying to think of a joke. Ethically? Yeah. I mean... They're not going to procreate. They're not going to have a child.

Right. I mean, nature has told us it's wrong. I kind of trust that more than anything. You don't think there's any animals that have sex with their siblings? No, I thought we were talking about humans. Well, you said nature. I mean, nature, I think, extrapolates it. No, nature has told us it, like, it doesn't.

work. So almost technically it's wrong. Well, then you could also say that homosexuality is unethical. No, no, no. I'm saying that it shows you evidence that that it does not work to procreate. Oh, but no, gays are filthy and wrong. Is that what you're, I mean, what question are we answering here? Wait, so, but all right, but they're attracted to each other and they fulfill each other, they bring joy to each other, nobody finds out and they don't get pregnant. It's weird you compared it to homosexuals. But I, like for instance, two brothers would not get the feedback from nature that it's wrong.

Well, they're not getting pregnant, which is, you know, nature would say that sex is only for procreation. Right. And what that's called in nature is the new season of White Lotus. That's when two brothers get it on. Dude, I. He's there. We're doing a joke about him.

There are so. Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegro. Oh, boy. The son, the son's going to be there. The one from White Lotus? Yeah, the one who was, I think, serviced, right? He was drunk when he was about.

About 18, he was drunk and he was hitting on my 14-year-old daughter at a party. Oh, all right. Maybe she looked like his brother. Make America, Florida. Here we go. Let's wrap. Here we go. A central Florida, why don't you read it since it's your topic?

A central Florida man is facing multiple charges after deputies say they found him on a construction site wearing lingerie and discovered a firearm concealed inside a silicone breastplate. implant. Thirty-nine-year-old Matthews Zacharino of Altamonte, Altamont Springs, I guess, was spotted standing beside a vehicle at a construction area near Ernie Caldwell Boulevard. Deputies say that he began putting on a red lace bra and g-string as they approached. When deputies ordered him to stop, he removed the items instead, revealing a handgun hidden beneath one of the silicone breast implants, the inserts. He had been, he claimed he was on his way

to a costume party but refused to provide the location. The cop was like, and this is just for our records, but where's the party exactly? Is there a cover charge? Can I get a plus one? Officer, I'm telling you right.

It looks like the party's in your pants because you're liking, you're liking what you're seeing. I like that he put it on as they came at him. He didn't have it on. Right. No, I know.

That's very unusual. Yeah. You're under arrest. Anything in my pants. Ken and will be used against you. I'm sorry. I meant anything. I can't focus.

Cap, I can't focus. The cops are coming. Like, that's when you steal something. Like, that's when you, here they are. All right. Can they see me? Now I'm going to do something very suspicious. Maybe this is like Klinger and MASH, who figures he can get out of it if he dresses in drag.

Yeah, with the Klinger's storyline even worked today? That's a good question. I mean, for people that are too young to have watched MASH, who was a soldier. Not on Higgs Sats watch, I'll tell you that. Not on Higgs S watch. Right. He would have been home. It's back.

Klinger would be ejected. It would work better today, I think. Make America, Louisiana. again. All right. Well, Crinkle. Okay, here we go.

Hold on. A Louisiana law enforcement official was attacked on Tuesday by a naked woman who informed an investigator. She had aspirations of becoming a mermaid. A union parish sheriff's office said that the woman 41 generated a call to 911 for allegedly trespassing on that property. And that she had substantial. Oh, the property is a substantial.

pond, but it belongs to the neighbor. The caller told dispatchers that the woman had been swimming nude in their pond and refused to leave the water. The officers started screaming when she was, oh, she started screaming when she was asked to leave the water. They tried reasoning with her, but she refused to get out as she was, quote, trying to be a mermaid. The officers eventually coaxed the sea nymph, that's flattering, uh, wannabe out of a pond. and tried moving her into an unspecified home. She suddenly started to charge. Oh, mermaids can charge on land.

She started to charge one of the deputies. She was tased, but cops said the electrical jolt had zero effect, and she continued toward the officer. It had zero effect, but the officers commented that it suddenly smelled like shrimp fajitas in the yard. A little, a little fish. smell on the barbecue. How did she charge with the two legs strapped together and a fin at the bottom? Yeah.

You need to tase somebody who's coming at you that slow? And she's wet. Shouldn't this been the tase of all tases? I know. So we have to rethink if like mermaids ever do appear, we can't tase them. It's useless. It is amazing that mermaids have for so long. been like you know you go back to like homer and you know the mermaids and yeah and the sirens you can't

fuck a mermaid the legs don't spread you don't think i mean you know from behind all right yeah oh come on gregg plus the blow job would be amazing because she could keep her lips sealed and just breathe through the gills you know that's true you know sailors are uh All men, because no one, there were no male mermaids imagined. Yeah. You know, like you're, oh, my God, man overboard, man overboard. Oh, we lost him. Well, he's out at sea floating there.

And his last hope is that beautiful mermaids will come and save him. Not some dudes with fins. Yeah, I think the, what a way to go. floating among the mer i mean darrell hannah what was sexier than darrell hannah and splash yeah it was a little weird when she started losing

she got sick and started losing her scales and stuff i was like oh that must smell terrible who was the male lead was tom hanks the male lead in that of course oh and then uh beloved john candy was his brother oh yeah he was amazing

yeah wonder if that one holds up I don't know, but the John Candy documentary, which covers a little bit of that movie, is great. Okay. We'll watch it. All right. What do we got here? International.

Here we go. All right. A Pakistani man who sought to launch what would have been the country's first gay club has been placed in a mental health facility. The man had earlier submitted a formal request to open a gay club in Abadabad, a deeply conservative city best known as the place where bin Laden was killed in his application the man said

the proposed venue provisionally titled Lorenzo Gay Club would be a great convenience and resource for many homosexual, bisexual, and even some heterosexual people residing in Abadabad. Abadabad.

If I lived in a city where all the women were dressed as fucking buffet tables, I might be in the mood for some anonymous blow jobs from pretty much anyone. And these guys are already wearing a dress and sandals. He'd have better luck in the male mermaid. Open a male mermaid bar. I think they're viewed as just as likely under God's eyes as a homosexual. Yeah.

But I love that. They put them in a mental health. That's when you know you made a bad decision when they go, you're nuts. We're putting you away. With all the other gay men. Oh, that was, he was playing the long ball all time. That's his club. He did it. Oh, smart. Why don't they just rename the prison, Lorenzo, Lorenzo's gay club?

Exactly. The manhole. Get in the manhole. Let's get to in China. After a 30-year exemption, the country is slapping a 13% sales tax on condoms, birth control pills and devices, hoping to boost its declining birth rates and offset the long-term impact of an aging population and declining workforce. And with contraception more expensive under the new law, officials are hoping other financial incentives help usher in a baby boom. Here's another suggestion. Cut factory hours from females from 75 hours a week down to 60.

Give them a chance. also is this the best plan it's like okay we want a whole we want to create a baby boom a whole new generation of people who can't afford the extra 40 cents on a condo this these are the families we want to yeah right the high achievers plus isn't it in like four cents isn't it incentive enough to have a kid uh with the wages the unemployment rate for chinese kids 12 is like 6%. I mean, this kid's coming out. He's going right to the factory floor.

Yeah. Exactly. You want economic incentive. There you go. They need workers. Well, that's what they say. I wonder if it's still there that they, I guess, can crunch the numbers and at this rate they can identify, I think, the extinction event

of just underpopulation. That that's the big threat, unless we unless we beat that natural occurrence with our fighting and ruining the earth. They want to knock up these Chinese women. Send them to the U.S. We love Asian women. We'll get them pregnant for you.

They all come to your show, Greg. You can guess which, what is it called? God, I spaced out. Guess the Asian. Part of China. No, no. You would have to get very specified now and guess the province. That's what I'm looking for.

Guess which province. All right, flip-flops only, ladies, half price. All right, let's go down to this day in history. All right, I looked at this late last night, late last night. Here we go. There were some fun ones, I think. We got, we got, oh, first episode of The Sopranos aired on HBO. on this date in what year give or take two years?

Oh, Jesus. Come on, the Sopranos, man. Oh, my God. Right in your sweet spot. I'm trying to think about the age of the actors now. Gandalfini's dead. I feel like the boy who was only about seven when the show started looks like he's about 32.

I don't guess. Like come up with the number in your head and don't tell me. All right, I got it. I got the number. All right. I want you to think about it a different way. Try to remember where you were when you saw the last one. Where you were in your life.

What year? I don't remember. And then work backwards. I'm going to guess it's either before or after 9-11, 2001. And I'm going to say it was. after it. 2002, I'm guessing. I love it.

1999. Oh, shit. Right? Okay. Let's see another fun one here. Sir Edmund Hillary, you don't really care about that. Alexander Hamilton. Would you have a guess when Alexander Hamilton was born in the British West Indies,

give or take 20 years? Yeah, I would guess that. He was around for the writing of the Constitution. So that was in the 1780s. So he would have been born in 1740. You did it, 1755. This is interesting. Slash 57.

I'm guessing the West Ind, meanwhile, he was an accountant. But I'm guessing the West Indies don't have dependable records, maybe? I don't think so. No, it's very, it's, it's, it's, it's, Island, island mentality, you know. Yeah, I'm on. Alexander, he'd born probably about Tuesday. I was that accent.

It was so good. Recent history. What year did we lose beloved David Bowie? In what year did we lose, David Bowie, give or take two years? I'm going to give you two years. 2019. I knew you would say more recent. So would I.

It's 2016. Damn. Can you believe that? I know. It feels like just yesterday. It's going to be a decade? Wow. That's wrong.

All right. I'm one for three. You're doing terribly. Apple introduced iTunes, a digital media player application. That, with the year's later debut of the iPod, revolutionized digital music. what year

you can by the way if you prefer to do the iPod that's fine because I'm going to give you a window anyway give or take two years when did 96 1996 you got neither correct

it's 2001 and the iPod was 2002 man the Joan of Arc is here and I forgot to get my range I forgot to get my year range but you probably would only give me three years all in the family debuted on CBS this year.

Give or take, I got to give you a win here. Give her take four years. 1975. Thank God. 1971. Nice. Batman premiered.

Remember Batman on ABC with Adam West as the Cape Crusader and Bert Ward is Robin. It premiered this year on that show, man. They hired the most incredible, like, artists. It was almost like how Pee's Playhouse just blew me away with how creative it was. Give or take four years. When did Batman premiere on ABC? Well, the guy who played Batman, what was his name? Whatchamukal? I just said it, Adam West.

Adam West apparently was a famous Coxman. Swinger, Cocktail Guy in Hollywood. I worked with him a bunch, by the way. What? I worked with him a bunch. He was really funny. We would have him on. He'd be recurring as Craig Kilbourne's father.

Oh, that's perfect. On the late late show. Yeah. And he would be like, I'm not going to remember it. But we would work with him. And he's like, so he's like, explain to me. And he'd get very, you know what he was? He had a little bit of a gold bloom energy.

Like he'd have this playful intensity. And he's like, and what about? this part he's like cool what about some other like fun what about a fun or more fun word right there like more fun and I'm like I'd be like what do you're like choking on rhubarb he's like rhubarb he's like rhubarb that's it that's it that's amazing he was incredible well if he was swinging it must have been the 60s I'm going to guess night I'll just how many years am I getting I forgot four I'm going to say 1961 It started.

I love it. 66. This might be the worst. Oh, I got it. You give me. Nope. What? You said 61?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You can't even get it. Within a year, how far off were you from getting it right? All right. All right. Let's move on to what? Letters to the editor.

Letters to the editor. All right. There we go. Manolo Matos. Nice name, dude. Not only Mom Dani's sworn. on the Quran, it was Arturo Alfonso Schoenberg's Quran, a black Puerto Rican, triple slap.

And one to the maga crowd hates him. Wow. Wow, I didn't know that. All right. All right, Mom, Donnie. Transitioned. Trino said, hey, Greg, remember, and I remember an episode of Sunday papers from a few years ago

in which you read, I think you read, Mike, an article about a legendary baseball player playing his last game before retirement. The article was so incredibly written that it stuck with me since, and I can't find the article. What is it? It really is that. That's what happened to me.

I was working at HBO, super bored, one lunch. I had an hour, and I went in the New York Public Library, and they had an exhibit there of writers on baseball. And it is John Updike's account. He was young, and he was at Ted Williams' last game. and I should know off the top of my head the name of the article, but all you have to do is Google, John Updike, and it's Ted Williams last at bat.

It's his last game, and it's profound. Nice. Okay. The way, you know, it's one of those things, and I won't say much, but it's like when you read it, it's a little like, I know you read Darkness Visible by Styron. It's when a writer, you're like, I can't believe how well he's describing this thing that I thought.

I've always thought, but would for me be impossible to describe. Yeah. He talks about the willing in a game, almost like that you've willed this great play to happen. Anyway, just go find it and read it. It's incredible. Let's get to the obituaries. Here we go. You got one.

Oh, you're doing this. The woman shot and killed by an immigration and customs enforcement agent in Minneapolis was a loving mother, a poet, and a partner whose family alongside her neighbors across her stunned city and strangers far beyond is shocked by the circumstances surrounding her death. Renee Nicole Good, a 37-year-old U.S. citizen, was killed when an ICE agent shot into her vehicle during an encounter Wednesday morning. Loved ones and leaders paused to remember the newcomer to Minnesota as, quote, an amazing huge. human being. Renee was one of the kindest people I've ever known. She was extremely compassionate. Her mother Donna Ganger told the Minnesota Star, she's taken care of people all her life. She was loving, forgiving, and affectionate. A mother of three, Good had two children, ages 15 and 12, from her first marriage. Her six-year-old child's father died in 2023. There's nobody else in

his life, the child's grandfather told the newspaper. After spending most of her life in Colorado, she moved briefly to Kansas to live with her parents for a time with her husband, a military veteran who died. She had a good life, but a hard life, he said. She was a wonderful person. Well, I want to add to this that, according to Republicans, she was a terrible driver

because she was trying to, run over all of them. But when you look at it, her wheels were doing the exact opposite. And so she must have been the worst driver on the planet because she was driving away from the guards. The ones the Republicans claim she was trying to run down with her deadly weapon, which was her car. So I guess we can add that to this poor woman's legacy of being the worse driver who has no idea how to efficiently and effectively run over a soldier, a person with a gun. Well, he is, we have to, you know, show concern to the ICE officer who shot her because

apparently, according to Republicans, he is in critical danger, which is odd because the video footage shows him walking straight up, not limping, head up, healthy. I can't believe we didn't read an obituary for him because, I mean, Trump can't believe he's alive. He not only walked up and down the street after the incident as people were yelling at him. Let's cheer up. All right, let's cheer up. God bless that woman.

Here we go. Funny. As you know, every week, except the ones I forget, we do the comedy captions contest. And in it, we give you one frame of a cartoon. You guys write the punchline. The winner potentially gets a coozy from Sunday Papers mailed right to you. We ask that you write your joke and put your name directly underneath it in the email. Send them to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

Last week, the caption was Wimpy from, he's from Popeye, right? From the Popeye cartoon. And he's standing there talking to a woman who very much looks like, a prostitute who's leaning against a wall. It says Madam's brothel in the background and Wimpy is talking to her. Anthony Sexton says, how much to cook me a hamburger, whore? Okay. Out of the gate, I think that one's going to be hard to beat.

I don't know that we're getting better than that. I don't. It'll be tough. Jeff Adams says, I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some roast beef today. Jeff played by the rules. and that's a well-executed, short one. I like it. Kelly Holmes said,

like I promised yesterday, here's the money for two tug jobs today. Okay, yeah, she played by the rules too. I think Jeff might be better than Kelly's there. Sorry, Kelly. Sean says, well, madam, I'll have you know, courtesans in Detroit to anal for $5.

Okay, went off the rails at the end, but I like it. Ron said, I'm not here to con you again. My debt's finally caught up with me, and I need a job. All right. So he's going to become a prostitute. Yeah. So who's saying that?

I guess Wimpe's saying that to her? All right. Yeah. I think he's, yeah. All right. Let's take a look at them. And Mike, you are in the midst of judging jokes from comedians for a living for a network award show. Who do you like?

I got to give it to Anthony sexton. I mean, I think I think he just, yeah, just ignored all the ways that wimpy talks. And it made me laugh. He went straight to it. There was no twists. It was just a Norm MacDonald type joke. A little bit, a little bit. All right.

Next week, we have a gentleman who's a hiker who has climbed up a mountain. And he gets to the crest. In the scenario, you normally see like a wise man sitting at the mouth of a cave. And instead of the wise man, there is the grim reaper in his cloak with his Sith. And the hiker is upset and he's talking to the grim reaper. There you have it. There you have it. Let's get to the pros.

Hager the Horrible is talking to a gypsy fortune teller. She has her crystal ball out. She goes, oh my, I see today is the last day you'll be here. Hager goes, does the crystal ball say I'll fall in battle? And she goes, no, it tells me you hate the smell of my cabbage cooking. He goes, the ball doesn't lie. Let me tell you something. In medieval times, a woman unshowered for weeks at a time and a small.

tent. I think the cabbage would be the least of your problems. The smells in that tent. They do this scenario. That scenario looks familiar. I think is he, that's, I guess there's a series of those getting his fortune told. Yes, that's one of their set pieces. Yeah, that's a, Hager is either at home on his lounge chair in battle or at the fortune tellers. Okay. The lock horns are here. Leroy is sitting talking to a loan officer He goes, I need a home improvement loan

My mother-in-law says she'll leave for $5,000 I like that one a lot That's good And now we have Let's see I got the onion before Blondie But I have one more lock horns Yeah Leroy and Loretta are sitting at a diner in a booth

He is hunched over with a pencil in his hand on a piece of paper, much like you'd see a child with a crayon. And she goes, of course it's tiny Leroy. That's not a maze. It's a QR code. Oh, look at that. That's pretty clever. It is clever.

Boy, Lockhorns brought it today. All right, here's the onion. And this was hot off the press. Friday morning out here in Los Angeles. New headline. We have a picture of the vice president of United States, J.D. Vance, and the headline is J.D. Vance claims Renee Good had no authority to be alive in the first place. Oh. That is what J.D. is saying, declaring about the woman in Minnesota.

Do you know a church newspaper has basically said he's gone astray from their faith the way he has blamed the victim? him in this. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And they're saying Christy no. Not in his faith, but in their faith he's gone astray from it. Yeah.

All right. Well, it's time. They're in bed and predictably Dagwood is not taken in by the feminine wiles of all you see is the back of her head, just the yellow curls of her thick mane, which if I was in bed with her, I'd be looking at that too. but it would be bouncing up and down in my crotch. Instead, with donut pajamas on, Dagwood has a laptop open,

and he goes, I still have one more Christmas gift to return. I guess I could do an online return, but then I'll have to pack it all up myself and take it to the post office and stand in line. He goes, honey, would you? And she goes, I bought it, honey. You can return it.

Oh, man. She doesn't even turn on. She doesn't even roll over and give them the benefit. of eye contact. I don't know what gift she could give him that's not already her. She is the gift. Oh, that's sweet.

You know what else is sweet? Hopefully it was a noose. I wish you one returned. Yes. It says Epstein on it. Don't forget, folks, Atlanta next week, and then Austin at the mothership, if you want tickets, fitsdog.com. Mike, anything you want to promote?

Sure, everybody. The Golden Globes air is tonight. And let's see. Top of one is her monologue. Then top of two will just be a funny comment. There's like 14 acts. I'm not going to go through all of them. I think top of three or four is where Greg's friend might appear in a little something we're doing.

And then there, I don't want to say what the. another thing is and then yeah then last year some people recall she did a half-time report we're going to do one of those again i love it all right well so there's good there's a good amount of comedy in it and uh there are good movies but they're not you know big wide release movies but there are some really good movies this year okay uh well good luck to you and folks thanks for listening mike and shot for keeping it under an hour. I believe it is under an hour by several seconds right now.

Oh, look at that. Here we go. Good on us. Take it each. Take itish. All right, bye-bye. Sunday papers running air and three-ups when the water saw you pull. Sunday papers folding laundry.

God damn volumes here are all. Every Sunday more. in the past couple of it that's my and across from the middle of it on the same side Exxian lighting the spit fire Her hands deep in his pockets In the presence of Michael Guy So easy

The dismus Bernie Talpin's and J.B. Pro's type But Mike's car A stack of cooosies all of easy sack The shit never said