Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 297 1/18/26

Episode Date: January 18, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Mike Recaps writing for the Golden Globes, Trump sets his sights on Greenland and Pamela Anderson is mad at Seth Rogen. Thanks to our sponsor: BlueChew.com Promo Code PAPERS for 10% off first month. Sunday Papers t-shirts available at http://FITZDOG.COM Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the venmo notes, put your name and address Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Three, four. Greg, your mic, don't give you the news. They're not always right, but you got to choose. Do you want facts or do you want to laugh? Read all about it. Read all about it. Hear ye, hear ye.

Extra, extra. Coming to you from... Where the fuck am I? I am in Atlanta. I'm in Atlanta, Georgia. I'm in week two of a 10-week tour that I'm doing of the United States of America. All right, week two? Yeah.

We're almost there. I was in Cleveland last week. How was the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that you went to after we spoke? Oh, I go there, and it was the SNL music exhibit, so they had, you could stand in front of these screens. They had like a few sets of headphones for each screen, and you could dial up any musical performance that's ever happened on Saturday Night Live. Except her tearing up the Pope, I bet. That's the first thing. I went to and it was cut out.

They had blank space during it. Oh, I'm surprised they didn't show. They have her in rehearsal tearing up a picture of something else. It was like a hungry child or something. I hope not, but okay. Fitz fact. So then I go, so then I look, the next one up is her, that was 92. 1990, which is her first time on.

Holy shit. No, no, no, no, no. She, that's one of the times I think I was like, literally I think I phrased it, what is that? Yes. The camera comes in and it's that song, this is the last day of our acquaintance. Yeah. And it's just her and her features are so feminine and petite. And then you've got the shaved head, which makes her look tough.

And the camera, the whole first half of the song is one shot, one. one camera on her face just pushing in slowly as the intensity of this song bells. All it is is her on an acoustic guitar singing to the camera about this breakup

that's about to happen. Yeah. And so you start to get shivers because the voice is so pure and the rage, it's like Dylan on idiot wind. There's this fresh break up energy that is just coming straight through the voice. And so suddenly this girl walks over

and she's about 14 and she's got on a Taylor Swift shirt and she sees it and she's like, what the fuck? So like she'd never seen her before. So she put on the headphones and about 20 seconds later is when, you know, when the band kicks in, all of a sudden the drums just crashed down and she starts doing like a punk rock jig where she's like jumping up and kicking her leg back. backwards and right and this chick's jaw dropped and i mean i had tears coming down my face and it ended with her mom escorting you away from her daughter no no no the mom was tapping her on the shoulder like we got to go girl wouldn't even turn her head and then it ended and she walked away and i was just like yeah that taylor swift shirt's not not not making it back to fucking huntsville alabama

hopefully not she she gets it she gets it oh that There's a line in that song later on. We'll meet in somebody's office. Yeah, a lawyer's office. Yeah. It's a very raw song. But she never gives her power away in the breakup. That's the thing about it.

She's never a victim. Right. Idiot Wind, I always love. And so much of Dylan, which I don't think, Swifties, tell me if I'm wrong. I don't know if she has this intellectual ability. But the best thing is like idiot wind is like, you're an idiot, babe, you're an idiot, I wonder you, you, you, you.

And then it's like, we're idiots, babe, by the end. Oh, right. And Dylan does that a lot where he just realizes the truth, which is it's never one person. Wow, yeah. I love that line. I can't even touch the books you read. Yeah.

I know, yeah, yeah. But yeah, the museum was great. I go there every year I go to that club. I go to the museum. And it just is, you know, if you're ever, it's worth going to Cleveland for. That's saying a lot. No, Cleveland's fine.

Cleveland's going. Oh, oh, sorry. Well, here's the thing is you don't have to go to these towns year after year and draw a crowd. I can't. Right. No, but I do like Cleveland. There's a great hat store there that I go to. It's called The Mad Hatter.

I go there every year and I buy a cap. It's where I get my caps from. The restaurant at the comedy club is amazing. Somebody, there's a balcony. And Saturday early show, somebody, I'm assuming, accidentally, dropped a drink from the balcony and it landed in the middle of a table beneath it and smashed all over the place. I'm like five minutes into my set. Whoa.

Well, I'm all about the Midwest, if I can count Cleveland in that, with the Chicago Bears this weekend, man. It might be today, right? Is it Sunday? No, coming up. I'm rooting for them hard. It's the Rams, right? Yeah, Rams visiting a very cold Chicago. How do you root against the Rams?

Because I root against Los Angeles. That should explain it. You're such a fucking jackass. I don't like the people here. I don't. You've been here for 27 years. They're not as bad as Philly. They're not as bad as Philly.

But there's a lot of really low quality people in Los Angeles. Yeah, but I don't give a shit about the fan. I'm not rooting for the fans. I'm rooting for. Also, fans of what? The St. Louis team that moved here and the worst owner, the worst owner ever who fucked St. Louis? Georgia Fontaleri. No, they started here, then they went to St. Louis, then they came back.

No, I know because I followed Joe Namath here, so all of a sudden I'm an idiot with a Rams jersey when I'm in grammar school. Yes, he played for the Rams briefly. When I was a kid, I had a Rams hat and T-shirt. I was a huge Rams fan when I was like nine or ten years old, mostly because I like the shape of the helmets. I like the logo. And it just stuck. I've always been a fan. And now they've got just an insane bunch of receivers. And they make every show. Nakua makes every game a fucking showcase. There was an old guy on the Golden Globes.

Oh, by the way, we're about to get to Golden Globes jokes that we didn't do on the show. So that'll be fun. There was an old guy in the Golden Globes, and he's, unfortunately, an Eagles fan. And so anyway, he's like, what about it? I'm like, I don't follow football. He's like, you're kidding. I'm like, no, because sadly, I'm a Jets fan. He's like, what?

and he was kind of dug in. And I go, listen, I go, I was a young kid in a giant's neighborhood, but my dad brought me to Shea, and he goes, say no more. And I looked at him kind of like, say no more because you don't even want to hear about it. And literally the next thing he goes, he goes, was he wearing a fur coat? And I'm like, yes, he was. Like, even, like, if you're of a certain age, you get it. Like, that's it.

That was the coolest thing that was walking around the planet. Well, not only walking around, but there was a photograph of Namath at 4 o'clock in the morning walking with a chick on his arm and a fur coat in the street on a game day. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Broadway jail. You know, my mom knows him. They live in the same town.

I know. She let him play through. I was there. Yeah, we let him play through. And he signed his book for her. Yeah, really nice guy. Nice. Anyway, I'm wearing an L.A. County Fireman t-shirt,

and it's because my brother-in-law, who's an editor and a producer and director, he's great in television production stuff. He, like many people, had to pivot, and he wound up in the video department of the fire department in this great job. He's learning to fly drones and all this. He shoots a lot of the training videos, but he's also going to be shooting the fire videos for training also. And anyway, he gave us his Christmas presents, all this stuff. So Olivia and I, Olivia and I, before she went back to school, went to Earth Cafe for breakfast.

And she wore her fireman t-shirt. And so we get it when we sit down and she kind of looks at the bill at one point. She's like, wait, something's very wrong. She's like, this is hardly anything. And she looked and on the receipt. it said fireman discount and it was and it was practically free the stuff that she they they thought like that she got and that's how amazing but my thought was Olivia if you ever needed feedback on how much of a lesbian you look like that was just it. They think you're in the firehouse.

That's great. I got to get one of the shirts, man. No, don't abuse it. Don't abuse it. I'm going to just double down. I'm going to get like a wounded warrior hat, the fireman t-shirt. I wouldn't even know who I was with my fake ID. Now I'm pretending to be a fireman. It's crazy. By the way, first of all, today's Friday. So the games aren't until tomorrow.

What games? And the Rams. We're talking about the Rams and the Bears. That's actually it's Sunday. No, but I'm saying it's Sunday as people are. Oh, look how clever you are. You know how calendars. work, right? And time? You know how time works? So we got the

Bills and the Broncos tomorrow. Let's make our picks real quick. All right, bills are beating the Broncos. 49ers. 49, what do you think on that game? Do you want me to look up odds? Okay. No, no odds. Oh, you don't want me to look up odds. No, don't look up the odds. I want you

to guess without the odds. All right, go ahead. Ask me a question. Bills versus Broncos. Bills. Same with May. 49ers versus Seahawks. Keep in mind. 49ers. Okay, me too, because the Seahawks quarterback is in your company. I'm picking who I want. Texans versus Patriots.

I know this one. I hate Texas, as you know. I mean, I think the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. Really? Yeah. Okay. So you got Patriots on that. I'm going to take Patriots on that.

Okay, this is fun. And then Rams versus Bears. Bears. Rams, you're taking bears. That's the decider. That's the only thing we need to talk about. Okay, so do you know this betting? There's a couple of these beds.

We don't have to name them by name. These betting websites that are out now that you can bet on anything? Yeah. So I don't even know if I should talk about this out loud. So a degenerate friend of ours who will go unnamed, but I think you know who is. Ellen? Stop. So he calls me and goes, hey, what do you know about the globes?

Like, who's going to win? I'm like, I go, you know, there's, I go, we per. raid out the goddamn accountants with their briefcases on like on you know what you'm going to call it handcuffs I go it's no one knows and he goes there's no thing he goes but wait a minute there's betting

on what she'll say in the monologue and I'm like is this legal no and he goes yes it's legal and I go well ask me questions so he asked me a question I'm like yeah she's going to talk about that

so he goes I'm betting on it. So I go, all right, I go, I go, all right, put me in for whatever you're in for. Should you be saying this on the air? I don't know. And so we win. And I guess it's very slow to cough up your money. It's not instant. And so he goes, he goes, I think we should let it right. You know, he has a problem. He's like, I think we should let it ride. Let it all ride. And I'm like, all right. I go, I go, listen. they came in our room and they starred cards based just on their thoughts, the Golden Globes, like, you know, our community, because I guess it's 60 Golden Globes voters or whatever.

Our community, like, kind of like these movies and stuff. So anyway, our money doesn't get freed up until like near the end. And then he goes, even while the show's going on. And he's texting me and he goes, all right, wait, for movie, he goes, is one battle after another going to win, right? And I go, well, they said that, but they also liked Hamnet. And he goes, Hamnet, what's, he goes, what's Hamnet? And I go, exactly. And so he's like, I say we bet it all on Hamnet.

I'm like, slow down. Yeah. I go, first of all, I go, that seems crazy to me. And I go, and all the action. So he goes, no, no, if we bet like what we want, it pays like quadruple. And so I go, I don't think we should do that. His next text is too late. How much did you bet in the first place?

We can't talk about that. So not that, no, no, not that much. So anyway, all of a sudden it's announced, Hamnet wins. No shit. Hamnet won the movie of the year or the, you know, the drama of the year, whatever the hell is non-musical comedy. And so we quadrupled the first bet. And that was not inside information at all because that's locked up.

Yeah, so that happened. Right. I love it. So now I'm watching Hamnet and I don't know how it won. I got to get this app because, you know, there are, how many things a year do we have inside information on, you know? Oh, I know. Are you kidding me?

Well, like, you know, there's a very big bet, which is the national anthem. If you work in any even periphery of the Super Bowl and you're at the building, You're at the stadium that day. You know how long the national anthem is. Because they rehearse it. Yeah, it's music. It's to time. Right.

I mean, they could carry the last note longer, I guess, but you'll probably see that. Yeah, you don't know if the conductor gets paid a little bit. It's to track. It's to track. Right. Wow. That's the whole key. All right, so give us, Nikki was on.

Stern. She was on Stern. and she read some of the jokes that hadn't been done. Right. Some were good. Some were not. I didn't think she needed to read all of them. Okay.

Oh, wow. Well, I have some, and some will be the same, but our listeners haven't heard all of them. But I have some inside stories, too. All right, good. Some inside baseball. If people are joining the show for the first time, Mike was the head writer on the Golden Globes this year, and it went very well. It got great reviews.

Everybody I talked to thought the monologue was strong. And all this stuff in the audience was really, really fun. It was a murderer's row of writers. And Nikki also is one of, you know, listen, what I always say is the shows that we've loved the most generally comedy-wise. They all, almost all, but I think I'm going to say all of mine have one thing in common where the host is really the de facto headwriter. Whether it's literally a sitcom like Larry Sanders. or it's 30 Rock with Tina or it's early David Letterman, early Conan. You are what the head writer is that host.

You know what I mean? And then the real head writer is serving it up and learns how to serve up the choices for him. And the room really is just feeding this host. And that's what it is with Nikki Glazer. Yeah. And it shows. So, all right.

Yeah, we had a lot of trouble with the opening line, which was, so one of them was going to be good evening. And welcome to the 83rd Golden Globes. The only good thing to happen in 2026. You might think it's too soon to call. I don't think it is. That's good. Yep.

Let's see. I'm Nikki Glazer. I'm so excited to be back hosting the Golden Globes. The Oscars of award shows. Just kidding. We have a podcast award now. Yes. we're celebrating the world's greatest stars and the podcast they're forced to go on.

Let's see. Just like the podcasters are nominated tonight, I have no idea why I'm here either. Let's see. By the way, the two gay guys that were talking while people walk to the stage, who's idea was that? Every year, God bless them. I love the director and the producer. Last year, they shot angles from the side. So what happens is I wake up on Monday and it's glowing reviews about Nikki both years in a row.

And but people immediately cut to. But what horrible choices that were made in it. Like all this butts. But, but, but. And it sucks. It's like just keep it even neutral for Christ's sake. Yeah. No, it wasn't.

It didn't taint it. It just was annoying. It was just this little annoying. It was like having a gnat in your ear while you're watching people because the audio was awful. One of the guys you just could not understand what he was saying. Right. They needed a gay translator. Nice.

All right, wait, let me see. Where did I put the other ones? But, all right, here was one joke. So the joke that we had, here's some inside baseball. The joke that we had about Kevin Hart and the Rock being like a great comedy duo like Steve Martin and Martin Short for people under for people over 50 IQ, I think was the joke. Yeah. And so it was flagged in the room that that could potentially be taken as racist. And while I don't agree with that,

I can see how someone could take it that way. You know what I mean? Like, in other words, the joke, it's not a great defense. It's like, no, no, no, we're calling their fans retarded. Like this, this isn't a racist joke. It's calling people retarded. So, so, and I go, you know, and I go not to get Norm MacDonald on it, but if you want to break down the joke, the joke still works as intended if you were to say, compare the Rock

and Kevin Hart to Steve Martin. Let's say the other duo was Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. The joke still works about the IQ. So it's not, we've just removed race. It's not race. And so I go, God damn, no, can we reinforce it? So I came up with the tag

like Jumanji next level. Was it? And that like kind of saved it and reinforced that it was a stupid joke. Yeah. Yeah. So that helped a lot. All right, wait. Where are my fucking jokes? Hold on. Sorry about this.

Oh, jokes to keep. Sorry, I got it. And I'm not wild about the smartless podcast, only out of resentment that we've been doing it so much longer and make so much less money. But their bit was very funny when they came out. We wrote it. Oh, really? And by we, a guy you know, Bob Castrone wrote it. Very funny bit.

Yep, he was just on Fallon for two cycles. And hold on a minute here. God damn it. Sorry, here we go. Is this it? A-lister joke. Sorry, I should have my act more together. I have an email with all of them a lot of the minute.

But yeah, anyway, we wrote that for SmartList. Some of them we helped write because we wanted to take over. Because that was like kind of what we were talking about. about up top is we wanted the whole show to raise the level of like the whole show. We didn't want dumb banter. We didn't want, we didn't want that like review that said, but, you know, it was horrible, you know? Yeah. Okay.

So the joke she was going to do about one battle after a DiCaprio was going to be in an interview, which is true the week before, he was being interviewed and he said he's never seen Titanic. And you're like, that's crazy. It's like, but then when you think about it, no wonder he's not interested. Titanic is 28 years old. Yeah. And so we were in a room with that joke.

And we're like, and Nikki had started off the process like with the hardest assignment throughout the whole globes, which was, I don't want to do the easy joke about DiCaprio and young women. And it's like, oh, so, of course, we all get assignments like that. there's like like nothing else. So when we're sitting there talking, it's like, yeah, but we like know nothing. Like he doesn't give us anything. And we're like, let's say that.

Yeah. Like let's say that. And in a way, the joke was just there like to get to that. And we changed the joke to give him his flowers, which is like, you know, what Nikki likes to do sometimes before she cuts the legs out from under you. But also at least she has said these really nice things about you. And another inside baseball thing was with Sean Penn,

we were very worried about his reaction. So she, when she went on Jimmy Kimmel, a couple of days before, she said, she asked Jimmy, how do you think he'll take it? Because I don't want, what happens is everyone at home is going to love it. That's not the issue. Will his reaction in the room sour the room? Yeah. And she doesn't want that, you know?

And so, you know, she's only halfway through her monologue when she got to Sean Penn. And so, anyway, I gave, a lot of times we try to save this with tags. So if he had soured on the first joke, which was Sean Penn is slowly morphing into a, a sexy leather handbag. Yeah. If he soured on that or like got a, you know, she got a visceral reaction from him that was negative, not that this helped it, but she was going to be like, oh, now it's a stressed leather handbag.

And we were hoping at least that would make him laugh. Yeah, yeah. But that's where we were on that. I heard her, I don't know if I read an interview or she talked about it, but, you know, the key to it is also in the directing is not to have the camera on somebody that's going to make a shitty face after a joke. And that the director has to have the vision of like, how are they reacting? Don't show them if they're grimace. say. Right. There is that. And then sometimes we're like, don't show them. Last year we had the joke. Someone in this room, you know, years or so now will be on YouTube like, oh, that's before they caught that guy. And, you know, for like being me-toed and stuff. And as a predator. And it's like you can't do that. It like ruins kind of the joke because you think that's part of the joke, the cutaway, cutting to someone. Right.

You know, unless it's a really... Your camera is going up and down. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's dynamic, man. So, yeah, anyway, Nikki, go find a lot of the jokes that Nikki did. Let me see if I'll find more. Sorry about this. All right, this segment's really stalling out. It's stalling out, man.

All right, you can, yo, you could, why don't you do the ad while I look for some? All right, well, there's other stuff to talk about. We got, first of all, Atlanta airport. I land and then. Oh, this is better. This is better talk. Go ahead. No, it's airport talk.

You land and then I walk for no less than 20 minutes to get to a train that I'm on for five long stops. It's like I didn't fly somewhere to take a train somewhere. I'm in an airport. I'm not in a fucking train say it's. so long that there's people reading newspapers. Like it's a subway. This fucking homeless people. It was like, am I on the sixth train right now?

What the fuck is going on? And then you get out and then you've got to walk from the train to the Uber is another 15 minutes after that. Yeah. No, it's like Dallas. It's like Dallas. Yeah. That's my airport bit.

Adam Sandler, you were so good playing George Clooney's. manager, then now I want to blame you for Batman and Robin. What else? Jay Kelly, blah, blah, blah. Let's see. I can't believe I'm here. Look around this room. One thing we were trying to solve and we never did.

It was like the 1990s threw up in the room, you know? And it was like, I can't believe I'm here. Look around the absolute legends. We have a pretty woman, a good witch, and the worst Batman. That's funny. Yeah, and then, but like then it's like poundage. We had already done a lot of jokes. Anyway, that's kind of a best.

She did the, she really did the best ones on Stern, so I won't bore you with those. All right. All right. What all we got? Oregano? What are you talking about oregano before the show? Oh, no, I was just saying, so I'm sick. And I go into Whole Foods right, like, before this on the way back.

And I get this oregano oil, and then I go get a coffee. and I go, can you ring up the oregano oil too? He's like, yeah, he's like, oh, man, this stuff's the best. And he's like, and then he goes, yeah, my mom, like, believe in that. I always took that. You're going to get better so fast. And I'm like, cool, cool, thanks. Yeah, I've heard that I've never had.

He's like, oh, well, watch out. It's strong. So I'm like, yeah. I go, yeah, I go, I drink mescal like for pleasure. And he's like, right on, bro. No, not right on, bro. He should have been like, this is so much more toxic. than mescal.

Really? I did a dropper. I thought it burned the back of my throat off. I think you can peel paint with it. How many drops? I don't, I mean, it was the bottom of a, I think you're supposed to take four drops. Then I Google it because I'm like,

what the fuck just happened? And it goes, oh, it can be toxic. It could kill you. I mean, of course, you'd have to chug it. No shit. It can be toxic. Are you supposed to dissolve it in water? Are you supposed to put the drops right in?

I think you're supposed to put the... I don't know. That's what I did. So we'll see what happens. All right. Well, good luck. Good luck to you. Yeah, man.

I'm all over the place. It's working. The logo this week comes from Bruce Wise, who, uh, very, uh, very nice gesture. Bob Weir, pat. Oh, we don't have, we don't put him in the obituary. All right. We got to talk about Bob Weir. He passed away.

So these are the, uh, Grateful Dead dancing bears. And we're in the middle. The song is from Ryan in pink. Did you listen to it? Yes, I did. Very acoustic, and I liked it a lot. Just simple, acoustic, fun lyrics, perfect theme song. Thank you, Ryan.

No AI. Although he has an AI in his name. There's an A and an I in his name. Corrections, I wanted to clarify that Sheney O'Connor's cause of death was not suicide. It was due to natural causes, specifically chronic, obstructive, pulmonary disease, bronchial asthma, and a lower respiratory tract infection. Well, I feel awful that I said suicide. I think that was maybe the early conspiracies were that it was suicide because her son,

and her son just killed himself or OD or something. I was blurry on that too. And also, there was a very significant delay in the determination of cause of death. Right. Well, that's that. Thank you, Hugh O'Connor. And then... I apologize for this nose blog. Ryan says, told at various times as having happened in California or France, I was talking about the guy in the frog suit being found in the ashes of a forest fire, from them scooping up water from the ocean and dumping it on forest fires.

Told at various times it happened in California, France. To date, this is from snopes.com. There's never been so much as one-chard scuba diver recovered from the aftermath of a forest fire. Sometimes you hear about a fisherman found in a tree still holding his fishing pole. Not surprising because the technology governing both bucket and scoop water bombers rules out anyone being taking up with a load of water. The intake of the largest helibucket is a one-foot ring, although thousands of, of gallons can be carried in the largest Bambi bucket. It all gets in there through that one foot opening, too small for a person to be pulled through.

Got it. And then Ryan says, I think 99% of my corrections have been directed at Greg. I have one for Mike. I love it. Bring it on. In talking about the Make America Florida story of a woman wanting to be a mermaid, Mike kept saying male mermaid. There is a word for that, merman. and the word maid is inherently female, so it was like he was saying a boy, sea girl.

It was refreshing to hear Gibbons say something stupid repeatedly. Really? You don't... Wait, so all maids, that's a given, they're women? Mermaids are women, and mer men are men. I know, isn't that sexist? Well, it's like saying a female fireman, right? I guess so I'm kind of not following it

but it hinges on maid as woman like a maiden I guess here's a correction I was supposed to be free this coming weekend but I am now going to be at the Irvine Improv January 23rd and 24th the next week I'll be in Austin at the mothership Sacramento Punchline after that

Philadelphia Helium Valentine's Day weekend Lexington, Kentucky, Houston, Fort Worth. Come on out, go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. We'll see you at the clubs, people. It's time. A Maiden Voyage is the first official trip or journey of a new ship or boat, okay? Comes from the historical tradition referring to ships as feminine, okay?

That's interesting. I never knew what Maidened Voyage, why it was called that. All right, yeah, okay, I get that. Still, I like a dude mermaid. It's time for the, it's time for football. Maybe your mind gets a little distracted. You're not as focused on your lovemaking. Look, there's a lot of reasons why, but there's no shame involved with.

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And it will, it's got a pop, apomorphine and oxytocin. Right. Oh. So your brain and body are both working together. Nice. And you know how it works. All you need is 15 minutes. Pop it in your mouth.

It melts. You walk into that living room. You stick out your tongue. She sees blue and she sees red. That's what happens? I don't know. Whatever she sees. All right.

When she's, I walk, I walk in the living room. Look, I was on the antidepressants for a while. I experienced a little bit of Ed. I think my nickname for my penis was Ed. And I got the, I got the, uh, not Ed Wood. I got the blue chew pill. And let me tell you something. Unbelievable.

Game changer. Fantastic. So listen. It takes 15 minutes to kick in. or less or less so um you know if if you got a hook up going you know maybe somebody texts you for late night whatever uh you're not there ladies if you're listening send your man the link make him a trophy husband with blue chew gold um so forget about netflix now it's about blue chew um we've got a special deal for our listeners get 10% off your first month of blue chew

gold with code papers. That's promo code papers. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. So, uh, there you go. Fantastic. Go get them, man. Nice discount. Yeah. Make life easier by getting harder and discover the option. All right. Anyway. All right. Front page. Got some paper? Yeah. No, but here we go. Front page. Let's go. Oh, yeah. President. This is your story.

Here we go. President Donald Trump. What's he up to now? Well, he said he's considering applying new tariffs on countries that oppose his ambition of annexing Greenland. Fantastic. Trump's push to control Greenland as prompted outrage among European nations who fear the move could rupture law and standing at transatlantic ties. How do you spell, how do you say Epstein files in Danish? Do you know?

Yeah, right. Because it's pretty obvious what's going on right now, everybody. Look over here. Don't look over there. Did you see that joke last week that Denmark was considering renaming Greenland-Ebstein Island so he wouldn't want it? Such a funny joke. That's great. Yeah.

Yes. We have invaded one sovereign nation, and I guess he's going after another one. It's unbelievable. I speak Danish, by the way. Oh, I knew that. Gotte New Dole. I just said, happy new year in Danish. It will be once we take over.

Oh, I can't wait to get a timeshare in Greenland. It's basically a block of ice. Not for long, apparently. Well, I think one of the reasons why... What's worse? I think they'd rather that. The glacial slide into the ocean versus Trump sliding in there. Well, I think he's going to immediately start fracking and moving everything away from solar, so it will melt faster once he gets there.

Yeah. But no, it's a lot about shipping lanes that are going to open up that used to be ice blocks and that are now going to keep boats from having to go through the Panama Canal. They'll be able to go north and across what used to be ice. they're projecting will be shipping lanes very soon. Wait a minute. Isn't the Panama Canal the shipping lanes, you're talking about going towards the far east? I don't know.

I was just reading that they wouldn't have to go through the Panama Canal. They could go north instead. It's probably heading east, I imagine, is what they're talking about. Like a quicker way to Europe. I don't know. Yeah. I think Europe to the U.S. Okay. You threw the Panama Canal in there.

Well, how else you're going to, you know. Okay. All right. We can move on. What am I supposed to pull out a map? Am I supposed to get my fucking ways out? Let's pick it easier. My nautical ways on my phone. Let's pick an easier news story for Greg. Man trains crows to attack maga hats after saying there's no

longer a moral option. A man. What? Oh, sorry, there's no longer a moral option. You pasted this in here. You did a very bad job. I didn't do shit. I never touched it. I didn't put this, I emailed you this story.

A man has gone viral. A man has gone viral after training a murder of crows to swoop down and snatch maga hats from unsuspecting Trump supporters documenting his months-long experiment. He ruffled feathered after having successfully trained crows to swoop down and take the hats.

Talking to his threads page, Dave, who goes by the username Biz Dave, went viral after documenting all the steps and stages of his COVID, sorry, Corvid training stages. I don't know what Corvett means. Showing how a handful of peanuts, months of patience, and a dash of political mischief turn local crows into red hat removing legends. I kind of like this story. I think it's great. Maga trains low IQ bullies on steroids to shoot people in the head.

We got birds stealing hats. That'll show them. That'll even it up. Dude, we are going to lose. When's the Civil War? Is it next week or is it the week after? I didn't check. It's a week and a half.

A week and a half. We need the crows, man. Liberals are dead. They've got all the guns. They exercise. We got a fucking, they got on. We got lesbians. We've got a skinny guy with a big beard and an NPR tote bag filled with hemp yarn, swinging it at a fucking ex-varsity athlete.

We're so dead. Oh, my God, I can't wait until the MAGA crowd reacts to this. More black things to hate. That's what's going to, that's how they're going to paint it. Yeah. I think it's called a murder, a group of crows. Yeah, no, that's how I described it up top. They're very, very smart birds, and they have a memory, and they hold grudges.

Yeah, they, more than us, they're going to remember these tariffs were bullshit. That's right. The crows will not forget that. Tech billionaire forced to rename humongous yacht. This story, which I didn't put in this article, it, it, literally said, this sounds like something the onion would write. So here we go. After spending tens of millions of dollars on a Florida safari park, Larry Ellison bought himself an enormous 191-foot vessel.

Technically, a downsize from his previous 288-foot yacht, and he named it Izanami, I-Z-A-N-A-M-I. The name was reportedly inspired by a Shinto deity in Japan. Pan mythology, our Japanese mythology, of the same name, the female creator of creation itself and death. But the monikered in stick after Ellison was informed that the name spelled something deeply embarrassing when reversed. It just simply says, I'm a Nazi. Literally letter for letter.

I'm a Nazi. Oh, my God. I would think he'd be like best name ever. If people want to read into it, let him go. Yeah. Well, if you spell Ellison backwards, it's no silly. Okay. Almost not exactly, but very close to no silly.

By the way, you know, you can shit on them all you want. Ellison has donated $150 million in his life, which is pretty impressive, unless you factor it in to his net worth of $300 billion, and you realize that's less than 0.01% of his total wealth. That's what he's donated in his lifetime. Not only that, it's like obviously all written off and everything, so it's probably even lower than,

it then factors in lower than that. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, maybe we should be grateful. What's he going to, you know, what is he going to donate to? Well, he's very into republicanism. Wait, there's some specific things that are that he gets upset about.

I can't remember. Oh, Israel. He's a big Israel guy. Great. Do we want him giving a billion dollars to more arms for Israel? I don't know. I guess a lot of people do want that. Some people do.

I don't really care. Am I left to say I don't care about Israel and the Palestinians? I think at this level in your career you can say anything you want. Yep. You got your following. They know who you are. Is that an insult? No, no, not really.

Not really. All right, here we go to the ethical questions. Ethical questions. I mean, we kind of just had one and you failed it. All right. Ready? All right. My old friend might be dying.

Should I tell her? I have not read these, as you could just tell. My old friend might be dying. Should I tell her I'm dating her ex? The next sentence was, she's reaching out asking to reconnect. I've postponed a meeting, feeling paralyzed. I just read an email exchange between two comedians.

And one of them was upset with the other one. and these are juicy go ahead so he wrote to him and he said hey i'm really sorry about something that happened years ago um i made a bad call in not telling you something a truth that was going on at the time and i don't like it i'd immediately press delete so the guy said um well i'm glad you didn't tell me that at the time because i didn't really want to hear that so you weren't doing anything wrong, you actually did me a favor. So you're saying wait till she's dead to tell her. Tell her after she dies.

Yeah. Go to one of those fortune tellers that nobody can understand how they're still in business. There's storefronts that have gypsy or palm reader and I've never once in my life seen anybody going in or coming out of one of those places and they are often in pretty good real estate. it's it's well i mean come on everybody believes in angels i mean and and literally a devil down down below the earth surface yes yes so what do you want what do you expect we got to fight the devil no what would you do in this case i wouldn't tell her would not right why would you tell her i know yeah but i mean you're probably gonna listen this dying friend is going to have quite a poker face so she might

get it out of you just by her stare at you, but she's probably asleep with open eyes. Don't fall for it. Yeah. You know? Like she's staring you down. You're like, oh my God, she knows. I got to tell her. No, she doesn't know.

Yeah. Yeah. Right. All right. Here's another juicy one. Okay, go ahead. I mean, by extension, how much stuff do you even tell your father at this point? Like, you know, there's things that parents at a certain age don't need to know. Maybe things you

did when you were younger or whatever. It's not your job to confess things to not, I'm not saying our parents are dying, but as you get older, there's just no reason to, you know, unload on people. I agree. This is kind of in that area. Next question. Should I scrub the evidence that our dad had a family before ours and then I'm sure it would kill my younger sister if I told her what I found?

No, you got to tell everybody. Tell everybody. Whoa, whoa, what do you turn from the first question? No, because these people are young. They have their lives ahead. I think about the children of the other family. We have a dear friend who had a brother that fathered a daughter and then ignored the family. And it turned out that that girl grew up with no family.

It was just a single mom. No cousins, nothing. Do I know this person? Yes, very well. Oh. And she said that all she had wished when she was young is that she had been allowed into this other family because her family is unbelievable. They're great.

It sounds like it's too late for that. I don't think so. I mean, this is a New York Times reader. So this woman and her sister, I'm assuming it's a woman. Why did I assume it's a woman to kill my, I'm sure it would kill my younger sister. Could be a guy. So anyway, these siblings, I'm assuming they're at least in their 20s.

If not, I think they're in their 50s. New York Times readers? They're in their late 70s. Oh, right. And I'm also, the picture is of an old, the drawing here is of an old man. But I, also, the dad could be dead. Does any of that change your opinion? Well, age does to some, I mean, I don't see it as telling somebody a bad thing.

I think we've moved past that in society. I think people have accepted that these things happen, that there could be another family, and that in the end, almost all of the time, it turns out to be something at both sides are glad they knew about, as opposed to telling somebody who's dying that you're fucking their ex-boyfriend. If the dad's alive, does he have a say in it? No. He has no say. Golly, look at you, Mr. Tough Love.

He's the victim, yeah. What do you mean he's the victim? No, I mean he's the perpetrator? Yeah. All right. Yeah, he's got to step up. Okay. All right.

Here's another one if you want, a little, little one. We're going to spend a couple sentences. Do I have to tell my new boyfriend, about my past infidelity. He knows I started seeing someone as my marriage was deteriorating, but I have not admitted the full truth. In other words,

should she talk about cheating with another guy? Yeah, it's the new boy. She has a new boyfriend after her marriage, but while married, she was cheating on her husband at the end. Yes, he needs to know that. Well, it sounds like he already knows that,

but she has not admitted the full truth. No, it's like buying a horse and they don't tell you it has shin splints. It's illegal. Well, they could tell you it has leg problems and then maybe shin splints is worse. So she said

there was some infidelity but like it was like with 19 guys at a time. What do you think it was? What's the full truth here? Yeah. Maybe it was with men and women, women.

I mean, I used to cheat a lot. And I told Aaron when we started dating that I had a history of cheating. Oh, wow. And I said, I can't marry you if I ever think that I would do that. And so we dated for three years. And during that three years, about six months into us dating, I was suddenly the host of an MTV game show touring the country doing colleges in my 20s. and it was like, or 30. And I didn't do it.

And I knew if I can survive that, then I can make it. So we got married. What a great story that you made up in your head. Yeah. All right, here we go. What are we going on to? Entertainment. Speaking of entertainment.

Here we go. Oh, yeah. I saw this in the room. And we're back to the Golden Globes. For Pam Anderson, the Golden Globes weren't all glitz and glamour. The Naked Gun Star 58. Oh, she's our age. Revealed in an interview on Andy Cohen's series XM show

that she felt yucky around nominee Seth Rogan, the producer of the show Pam and Tommy, which chronicled her tumultuous romance with Motley Crude drummer Tommy Lee. Rogan also starred in the series. She said, Rogan, who won the award for comedy, the studio, which was awful.

made the series without speaking to her first. After presenting at the Globes alongside Rose Byrne, the actress said she left and went right to bed. Good. Good. Seth Rogan. I'm so tired of his laughing at his own jokes that aren't funny. You had a chance to talk to Pam Anderson and you turned it down? I would write a movie just to talk to Pam Anderson.

right well it's a little bit of a no win because he already did the deed you know like he already pissed her off he should have talked to her well it's hard to talk to her back then if you're making it no matter what she feels but i guess go up to her if you're in the room he might have been too high no no no i think she's talking about he didn't talk to her before the movie he should have sat down no of course that's why she's pissed but then i did read the interview uh that this article came from and she was like it was awkward in the room but like she said he probably should have like come over and maybe apologized. Right, right, right. Yeah, it was a shitty thing because then it's like a weird awkward standoff and I know where they were sitting. They were sitting very

close to each other. Oh yeah? Yeah. Oh no, we have to study and then they moved someone which fucked Nikki up because she asked and she even out loud said you're in here somewhere but they, you know, we in the prompter even some more inside baseball, but we put like left or right. Originally, what I wanted to do was put like one for one o'clock

or three for three o'clock, but I realized I was dealing with a woman. So we just had to go left and right, but you didn't know how, you didn't know how left and right. But because we did a dress for her, so that morning, she's really good and locked it in. And then they moved Emma Stone, I think, or Jennifer Lawrence, one of those two, they moved. Oh. And you could tell. She was like, looked and then they weren't there. No, and the joke relied on the camera finding them, and it didn't. And it kind of, it fucked up the joke. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah. All right, we're going to make America Florida, y'all. Okay. Here we go. Okay. This story reminded me a little bit of you. Florida man arrested after allegedly doing Corvette donuts in church parking lot on first date.

Woo! The incident in question reportedly happened on the evening of Saturday, January 10th. According to the Gulf Coast, new 28-year-old Landon Morris was behind the wheel of his great Corvette with his date in the passenger seat. I hope so. The year and model of the Corvette is unclear. I don't know why that's in there. Anyway, it sounded very hot-rodded out. No mufflers.

Very, very loud. The loud vet may have been attractive to his date, but it also reportedly attracted the attention of the county deputy who followed the court. who followed the Corvette is it illegally sped through several neighborhoods before it went into this church. It was in this parking lot that the Corvette performed several donuts and smoke so thick it could be seen from far away. He could barely see the car, the officer said, and then he ended the first date when he arrested Morris.

The female passenger reportedly apologized to the police and told them, She was the one who asked Morris to do the donuts. I think that is a keeper. Huh. Yeah. I think that's, well, first of all, the names don't sound Italian enough to me. Right. That sounds like an Eastchester thing right there.

Oh, it's Greasechester all the way. I remember my friend, my friend had a Mercury Bobcat. It was a four-speed Mercury Bobcat. You remember they? It looked like an AMC paper. And he let me borrow it to go buy beer. And then I came back and he goes, I heard tires screeching. Were you doing donuts in my car?

And we all fucking fell down laughing. And we started calling his car the donut after that. The screecher. Yeah. Well, this guy's lucky that ICE didn't shoot him in the head. I know. Well, I don't know. He was acting very American.

That's true. There's no more American now because of the way Trump has set up this country. There's no more American than Florida. Yeah, yeah. Florida, we're the United States of Florida. We made America, Florida. That's what's happened. Now, a couple of other states are trying to keep up like Kentucky.

So here we go with Make America Kentucky again. It's a little similar. We got a donut theme. Kentucky man tries to steal donuts. by posing his police officer. According to an arrest citation, James Sullivan entered the Thorntons on Cain Run Road, December 1st,

and grabbed several items, including donuts and coffee from the machine. He flashed a silver badge. This is like my fireman t-shirt, resembling a police badge on his hip before exiting the store without paying. The value of the items was estimated to be $10. He had done the same thing numerous times in the past,

He's a convicted felon and currently on probation for impersonating a police officer. Yes. He was arrested Tuesday in charge with shoplifting and once again impersonating a police officer. Wait, so is anyone who eats donuts going to be charged with impersonating a police officer? Here's the good news. He went down to Florida and arrested that kid doing donuts in the church parking lot. Yeah. It's not all bad.

I mean, it's just so great to be on probation, which is like you've already served time. You know how bad it is on the inside. You know you got and then you make a $10 shoplifting. Just waving the badge and walking out with it. So great. Why did this guy just become a cop? I mean, do you know how offended I'd be if I saw a real cop do that? Yeah.

I'd be like, no, no, come on. You got to go. go up and it's not it's not carte blanche it's not I'm gonna what are you going to take in a dolly next time with a box and just load up no no no no this was a there's a reason why cops eat donuts and it's because donut shops have always given cops free donuts and coffee because they want them around the shop so nobody robs it it's like fine but at least go up and put a dollar in the coffee can you know like go through the motions now just shoot bad guys that's all we want to to do. By the way, I'll say it again. That documentary, I think it's on Netflix, called Donut King,

about the history of donuts in Los Angeles. Really? Is fascinating. You and Aaron, watch it. And then when you're about a third of the way through and you're like, this is a pretty exhaustive documentary on how L.A. got all these donut shops. Just keep watching. It has a, even started. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Lots of twists and turns.

Speaking of twist and turns, let's get down to this day in history. This day in history. Here we go. Full disclosure, I haven't vetted the whole day, but we got some. I got one to start out of the game. We got NASA's first female astronauts on this. NASA or NASA? NASA.

Are you with the Bahamas? NASA County, yeah, Long Island. on this day in what year NASA announced NASA announced the members of its newest class of astronauts, which for the first time in history included six women. Sally Ride, I think it became the most famous of all of them. And then she was called the first woman in space. Give her take five years. When do you think this announcement of the astronauts was?

1959. So close. 78. No. Yeah. Wait, but what about that movie? Didn't they make that movie about the women that had, oh, that was doing the, they were writing the tech for the space program.

The black women? Yeah. Yeah. Invisible figures. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Because that was in like the late 50s, early 60s.

Okay, the last episode of Bonanza aired on NBC. How many seasons this is not part of the? But how many seasons do you think Bonanza ran for? 12. Very good. 14. So the last episode was in what year, give or take four years? 1971.

Bingo baby, 73. Nice. I like it a lot. All right, let's see. I'm going to say give or take 150 years on this one. Okay. Ivan the Terrible was crowned. czar and grand prince of all Russia, give her take 150 years.

When was the rule of Ivan the Terrible? Wow. Ivan the Terrible. I wonder if anybody, does anybody name their kids Ivan anymore? Now, don't confuse there was Ivan the irritable, not him. This guy did not, he wasn't mature enough to handle his irritability. Right, right. He had ADHD.

I've been a terrible is just misdiagnosed. Yeah. All right. I'm going to say the year is 1,500. Dude, 1547. No way. Come on now. I love it.

Okay. Wow. What a day. This ties into our news stories. On this day, in what year, the Chevrolet Corvette was first unveiled to the public at the New York stop of the General Motors motorrama traveling auto show. More than 45,000 Americans checked out the new concept car.

So many, the police had to step in to control the crowd. GM never intended to turn this concept car into a production model, but design executive Harley J. Earl realized its potential and the company soon began manufacturing actual working versions. Give or take 10 years, when do you think

the first Corvette was seen by Americans. Was it a stingray? Was the first ones called stingrays or was that later? I'm looking at it. It's hot. This version is like, it's very, very cool. I'm going to say, obviously they were huge in the 60s, but if they had designed it, I would say 55.

Buddy, 53. Very nice. That is well done. All right. You know, my father had a Corvette. I think you told me that. Yeah, it was 1981. And the engine was called an L82.

And it was one of the biggest production engines that had ever been put into a car. And he never let me drive it. I mean, I used to take it out when he wasn't around. And then he was going to let me take it to school one day. He had leased it. So like the three-year lease was up. and he was going to let me take it to school one day. And I was going to get so much pussy.

And then the fucking engine died the day before he was turning it in. Yeah. So I never got to take it to school. And hopefully he didn't have to deal with that. There was a crack in the engine block and the oil came out and the engine seized. Oh, my God. Yeah. So you went back in the four-speed mercury?

That's right. The bobcat, the donut, baby. And that's when you did do the donuts. All right, here we go. Last one. I'm going to say, give or take 14 years. Wow. Gangster Al Capone was born in Brooklyn, New York.

Well, Al Capone was big in the 30s and 40s. I'll just go round. I'll go 1900. 1899. Yeah, baby! Come on now. I'm on fire today. Yeah, so we're going to close it out.

That's it. It's over. Get out while you're ahead. All right. Let's do a quick letter to the editor. This comes from Ryan about the donkey show. We talked about those donkey shows. Yeah.

That I'd heard about down in Mexico where women make love to donkeys. Not men. I tend to believe they are true. Ed Calderon was on your friend's podcast, the Adam Carolla show. He confirmed the, and he brought pictures on the air. So next time you're on, bring it up. No homo, but love you guys. Damn it.

I wish it was homo, love you guys. All right. When you talk about a donkey sex show with women in America, do you think most people are offended on behalf of which? I've often thought that because, Like, you know, my dog, Brulet, I would pet him and he would always try to put his penis in my hand. He would move around to position his penis to where I was rubbing. And I always thought if I did do that, I'm the one that would go to jail.

I'm just doing what this animal is asking me to do. Well, you shouldn't have been rubbing your anus. I don't know. That's what was getting him. I think it's one of those things where I think a lot of people are thinking about the donkey. Yes. It's true.

Especially these American white women, if it's a Mexican woman in the show, I guarantee you they're thinking about the donkey. Yeah. White women. Don't even get me started. Obituary, here we go. So Scott Adams,

the creator of the popular comic strip, Dilbert. Yeah. died at 68 of metastatic prostate cancer. He used his own corporate experiences to satirize white-collar office life from the 1990s to 2003 when hundreds of newspapers dropped his strip after he made widely condemned racist comments on his YouTube channel. Yeah.

Well, to paraphrase Ross Abrash, his prostitution. his prostate cancer was caused by shitting out unfunny comics for 40 years. He said that about him? No, you're not going to like this. He said that about Charles Schultz. Oh, God. All right, let's cheer up and transition seamlessly to the funny, to the funny. Hold on.

Bob Weir. Oh, right. Let's get into Bob Weir. You know, tonight at Penmar, you're out of town, but it begins at 420. They're playing the dead and they're also playing video clips of them. So they're having kind of a little bit of a dead themed party tonight to remember Bob Weir. Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

And, you know, Penmore has a lot of merch that has the steal your face and a lot of the sort of insignia of the dead. It's definitely a dead friendly crowd there. I believe, was he in the rock and roll? I mean, the dead has to be in the rock and roll hall of fame, right? I imagine. Yeah. So, I mean, he was, I was very fortunate enough to see them once with you. I saw the dead in the last couple years twice, or dead in company.

And he still had it, man. That guy was still, he was tearing it up. And it was so nice that he had this kind of renaissance after Jerry died where John Mare came in and they had an amazing chemistry together. I saw him at the sphere, saw the show there. And he, there's a great. great documentary about him. I think it's on Netflix. I saw it about a year and a half ago. So if you want to learn more about his amazing life, I'm hard pressed to think of any

musician that has played more concerts than Bob Weir, because when the Dead wasn't touring, he had his own band that he used to travel with. Do you remember that? Rat Dog, Rat Dog or something like that? Yeah. So, and I mean, the Dead toured from the, you know, the mid-60s until last week nonstop and then he was adding those other shows to it so you didn't see them a lot in the 1900s let's call it when i was a teenager we used to go see them all the time yeah i started in the because i mean god i went to boarding school so i started in the early 80s and i have seen them a lot and whenever i was like tripping or something he was always a good anchor for me because he looked the i don't know why maybe this says this says more about me

He kind of looked the healthiest. Oh, yeah. So if I was starting to, like, kind of lose it and just maybe get paranoid or be like, I am in such a hippie drug culture overload, I mistakenly or sort of misguidedly would look to him, like eat at his jean shorts on, and he looked like he worked out. And I'm like, that, that's a positive, that's a positive figure right there compared to Jerry, who's all, who knows what he was on. and like the unhealthiest looking.

Meanwhile, Jerry's the best vibes ever. Don't get me wrong. But sometimes I'd look to him. I'd be like, all right, things are going to be okay. Yeah, yeah. But he was, no, he was great. And there is a good documentary on him. All right, let's cheer up with the funnies.

Here we go. It's time for the comic. All right. Every week we do the comedy caption contest. I give you one frame of a comic strip. You write a punchline. You send it to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. At which point we, uh, we, uh,

We pull them together. We pick some good ones. We read them. We pick a winner. That person will get a coozy mail to their house. Please put your joke. Put your name right under your joke when you mail it in. Are we still saying that?

Okay. All right. So last week's picture was it was a guy who's a hiker. He's got a backpack on. He's pulling himself up to the top of the mountain where there sits the mouth of a cave. with the Grim Reaper sitting there with his hand on his stomach, kind of a big stomach for a Grim Reaper. He's got a Sith in his hand.

And the hiker is talking to him. Kenny Engel said, please tell me why I won't. Please tell me my wife beat me to the top. Kind of funny. David Harriman said, this is what 30 years of sobriety looks like. Okay, a little bit of a thinker.

Radu Kempion. Simpion said, fuck, I was told it was going to be a virgin. Who told him that? He could be a virgin. The guy could be a virgin. Jeff Adams said, this is not the dissent I planned for.

Oh, all right. He's going to hell. That's clever. Yeah. Stephen Mangrum said, well, you sure ain't the Slim Reaper. He does look portly. Yep.

I have a question. So you see the Grim Reaper sitting there and it's skeletal, right? Like its legs and it's reclining. Could the Grim Reaper be dead? Very ignorant question. Is the Grim Reaper a skeleton? Interesting. Okay, go on.

Okay. Ben said I didn't know Goths hike. Interesting. All right. Kelly Holmes said, where have you been, man? I just ate my whole family. Oh, all right. Kurt Geeb said, worst Tinder date ever.

I don't get that at all. And Pat Lathrop said, how much to cook me a hamburger whore? Okay, well, I think Pat writes these in advance. I think he writes captions, sight unseen. Are you sure that's not from another week? where we had the pee-wee, I mean the pup-eye, the pup-eye guy? No, this is a callback. This is a call-back.

I think it's fucking brilliant. That's kind of a fun thing to do. How about this? This week, if you're doing this, right? Write a caption for the cartoon that Greg's about to describe. Send those in the usual, the usual drill. Then write and put the date on it, right? I'm going to look up the date right now.

And write just a caption blindly. I think that's kind of fun because I'm an idiot. It's a generic caption. Yeah. So what's today's date? Today's the 18th of January. Well, it's the 19th, right? No, this airs on the 18th.

Oh, it's the 26th. Hold on. I'm in the wrong year. Where did I go here? Okay. So anyway, right, it's the 18th of January. So just put February 1, February 1 caption. Just write that.

February 1 caption. And just write one. And those will be fun. Okay. Good. I love it. Yeah. Next week's caption is, it looks like a guy, he's got on a cap that says zoo,

and he's in like coveralls. And he is what looks like unscrewing the tail of a snake from an outdoor faucet. There's a hose sitting next to the snake. Obviously, it looks like a snake. And the snake is coiled up with his ass in the faucet. And the zoo guy has his hand around the snake's neck. And the other hand is unscrewing his tail from the outdoor faucet. Yes, exactly.

Now, are we going back up to pick a winner? Oh, yeah. Who do you like? I guess the first one, Kenny Engel. Please tell me my wife beat me to the top. I think so. I kind of like Slim Reaper. Well, you sure ain't a Slim Reaper.

You love wordplay. I get that. Okay. Sounds good. All right. So Stephen Mangramp, congratulations. You won. Send us your address to the email address and we'll get it out to you.

Real comics now. We got Hager the horrible. Hager is standing frantically in front of the window. and Helga is sitting calmly in an armchair. He says there are a hundred soldiers about to bust through our door. How are you not frantic? And she says, the house is clean. Does she not know what's about to be dirty?

Forget the house. She is about to get manhandled by a marauding gang of Vikings. All right. And she's calm. What does that say about her? Uh, yeah, nerves of steal this one, or she's been through it a few times. Yeah, you get numb. You build up calluses. Yeah. I never seen, uh, Hager on the defensive.

No, no, that's very unusual. Yeah, what, I mean, well, what, what is he in Greenland? Is this topical? This is Greenland. What's happening? Yeah, Trump and, uh, and all of the Senate is showing up. A hundred guys. All right. Lockhorns.

We've got Loretta and Leroy are talking to the Exterminator. And he goes, well, they were carpenter ants, so there's no telling when they'll come back. Smart. She is at the desk paying bills. And she goes, I figured out our net worth. We can buy a net. Okay. All right.

This one will bring it home for you. All right, good. She's in the kitchen. She's bent over the same. stove, this black smoke coming out, and he says, auditioning for baking bad. Okay. I mean, you know, it's wordplay, of course, but it's pretty good. If it's good wordplay, I don't have a problem with it. I just don't like bad wordplay. You got an onion for us?

Yeah, I got a bunch. Let's see which one. Man, they put out so many. There's already more since the one I picked one before this started. let's say here we go lazy boy introduces adjustable morphine drip i with a great picture of a customized lazy boy i like that one a lot i like that and then let's see if there's another one here reminds me of that movie um what was the movie that the guy from beavis and budhead did mike judge did about the future oh idioticrys Idiocracy where the guys just everybody just sits in lazy boys and drinks big gulps and watch people stepping on rakes on TV over and over again. It's exactly what we're doing now.

Also while masturbating. Like my favorite last, someone knocks on his door, he's like, I'm baiting. It's so funny. Yeah. Anyway, just support the onion. It's so good. It's great. Speaking of good.

Wait, wait. This is a good one. This is one that should be. said Washington Post publishes editorial defending the FBI raid on its reporter that's a perfect summary of what whores the media are right now yeah speaking of horror is blondeie opens the door

in walks Dagwood in his stupid tan raincoat and they kiss and he goes what's new sweetheart and she goes, not much, honey. Promising start. What's for dinner? And she goes, not much, honey. And then he goes, at this rate, I'm not even going to mention how much my raise was today.

And she goes, let me guess. They just put out the fire so fast. Yep. I mean, here he is. He's kissing her in the hallway. And he's going to bring up how he's failing at work. We get it. Yeah.

How about you can't think of a clever segue? from there's nothing to eat with that standing in front of you? I mean, how much pussy am I going to get tonight? Not much, honey. Not with that raise. Right. Well, the poor couple. Geez, even the dog is just, he just can't believe it.

All right, listen, folks, I'm sorry, my energy was very low today. I'm sick. I'm jet lag. You're sick. We pushed through it. We hope you enjoyed it. If not, next week we're going to be even more full of energy. Oh, man.

Don't forget, if you have the need, get yourself Blue Chew Gold. We're going to give you a deal on it right now. If you go to bluechew.com and you put in promo code papers, you're going to get 10% off your first month. Also, I got dates coming up in Irvine, Austin, Sacramento, go get some tickets. Mike, anything you want to promote? Perfect.

Oh, what do I want to promote? I don't know. Still the best movie I've seen, I think, is Train Dreams, but Hamlet, you know, we'll see how it goes. Oh, no other choice. A lot of people are saying how great it is. I'm not on board. I'm not on board the movie,

Korean movie, no other choice. So those are opposite of endorsements, I guess. So there is another choice. I want, there is another choice. I want you to spend your time better. Okay. And other than that, take it ish. Take itish.

All right. Three, four. Greg, your mic, they'll give you the news. They're not always right, but you got to choose. Do you want facts or do you want to laugh? If you chose a ladder, they got your back. It's the Sunday. It's the Sunday, Sunday, Sunday papers.

It's the Sunday, Sunday, papers. It is...