Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 298 1/25/26

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Mel Brooks new documentary, a cold snap is here and that’s not the only ice to keep your eyes out for. Also some real-world stepmom action. Thanks to our sponsor: BlueChew.com Promo Code PAPERS for 10% off first month. Sunday Papers t-shirts available at http://FITZDOG.COM Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the venmo notes, put your name and address Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Always read and follow the label. It's been seven days. Read. Oh, no. We got you a newspaper. Okay. I mean, look, the news, let's just start the show by saying this. There's a lot going on in the world right now.

And it is pretty hard to keep your head about you. And, you know, there needs to be a place where you can come and maybe get a little break from it. But at the same time, touch on it lightly. I think that's what we're shooting for. We're going to do some news, but we're not. We're not going to go into the World Economic Forum or Summit, whatever that was, which is full of material. But I don't think we're going to go there. Now, the whole World Economic Forum thing, is that just bald-faced companies colluding worldwide?

No, I thought the clips I saw were pretty fascinating of a lot of leaders. And some consensus, like there is a real rupture right now, you know, with everything. thing with the whole Greenland and all that and just also attacking countries. So, no, there was some very, very serious talks from the world leaders. But is Davos normally just like a kind of a trilateral commission thing, but in the light of day? I don't really understand your question. I mean, isn't it just big businesses from around the world getting together and

setting the terms for what the economy is going to be for the next year? But by big businesses, do you mean countries? Yeah. But it's the, it's the, it's the economic leaders of each country that are meeting. I would say one of the goals that they would like is stability. Yep. Because capitalists really value stability and predictability. Right.

Well, Democrats do. Republicans used to more. Yes. Anyway, can I tell you? Well, let me tell people, we played golf yesterday, which you owe me money for, and you mysteriously can't find my Venmo. You're like, you're like Ted Knight not being able to find his wallet after losing on Caddyshack. Hey. Hey, Rocky.

Help the judge find his checkbook. Yeah. So we play golf yesterday, and long story short, but we ended up getting two people added to our group and two of our friends got knocked out of the group because there's a fucking Nazi. woman running the golf course right now. You also told us to show up at the wrong time. No. No. Yes, you did.

I sent you guys a copy of the tea time when I invited you. And it said 210. And then somebody wrote back. So the group is, and they named everybody and then wrote 220. And then I saw that. And then yesterday I said just confirming everybody for 220. So it's partly my fault. but not really.

Anyway, so two guys show up at 220 and she cuts those two guys out. So we end up playing with these two Japanese guys. I don't know they're Japanese. None of us know they're Japanese. You don't generally ask on the first T what the person's background is. Yeah.

But they're nice. They're very nice guys. And then we get to the first green and we play this betting game that Matt Molloy made up where if the, The ball is further than the flag stick from the hole. In other words, if it's about, what is that, about 12 feet, about 12 feet from the hole, you call Saweeci.

And then if you make the putt, you get a dollar from everybody. And if you miss it, you owe everybody a dollar. So we never knew. We didn't. I think Matt, we didn't know if Matt did. We just knew it was a funny sounding Asian thing. So I get to the first green and I yell out before my putt, I yell out, Saoichi. And then I realize that we're with two fucking Japanese.

And the Japanese guy fucking bust out laughing. He's like, how you know that? I was like, no what? And then you even said, you go, what does it mean? We say it, but we don't know what it means. And the Japanese guy says it means one stick. So we were exactly right. Yeah, no, I think that's what Maloy got it, exactly.

And I have no idea how Matt Malloy from upstate New York knew the Japanese phrase for one stick. I'm just glad we curved our reactions. Usually when you make or miss it, we're always like, oh, oh. We do bend over, though, but it's not a bow. We're just picking up the ball. Yeah. What's so funny is that those groans, everyone would know is like a Japanese man. Like, oh, how does one get that just from that?

Can't that be anybody? Well, and then I hit the driver. I have a shot that nobody else hits, which is called hitting your driver off the deck, which means you hit it out of the fair where you're the rough with the driver, which is difficult because you don't get a lot of loft out of the club. Anyway, so I line it up and he go, oh, I go, yeah,

I go, I'm hitting it off the deck. And he goes, no, he called, he's like there's a saying for that also yeah there's a saying it's chikadora and so all day i probably hit three more that day and every time i did i would go chikadora and he would fucking laugh his ass and you realize you're not mocking them that's how they say their language oh boy well the hardest he laughed was when you start doing he's like oh and you're and he's like oh they have a word for they have a phrase for that chikadora and then i said yeah It means dumbass, and he died laughing.

So I knew he was on our team. So I had a great night. Two nights ago, I went to see, and I highly recommend, it is out as of this weekend. There's a documentary about Mel Brooks on HBO or Max, or whatever the fuck they call it these days. But it's Jet Apatow produced it. and it's Mel's life.

There's two parts. So this was the first part. It was like an hour and 45 minutes. So it's pretty lengthy. And it starts with him as a kid. And you move through. That's the shortest thing Judd's ever done. I know.

I know. And you moved. And what's really weird is that he actually got Seth Rogen in it, which he's not even has nothing to do with Mel Brooks. So he goes off. I mean, just to hit some high notes. He grows up and. Brooklyn. And he said he literally never met anybody who wasn't Jewish until he was a teenager.

I went into Manhattan and was like, who were all these going? Who are these people? And so it was just such an insular world in Brooklyn in those days. And he was a small guy. And Judd kind of said, like, where did your sense of humor come from? Was it like an insecurity? And he's like, no. He goes, it made people like me. I was the smallest guy in the neighborhood, and everybody loved me. I made everybody laugh. And I just, and, you know, he had this great mom who really encouraged him. And so anyway, so he goes off and he joins the, he wants to fight Hitler. So it's 17.

He joins the army. And he gets sent off. Hitler's not even in power yet. He just wants to go over there and find the artist, Adolf Hitler. Yes, he's a huge fan. He wants to pick up. time. Yeah, he likes his exterior stuff.

And so he signs up and they send him over and he's the guy that walks through the battlefield with a stick poking for landmines. And he said, if you heard metal, then you went, okay, there's one over here. And then the other group would come in and they'd actually remove it. So that's what he did for two years in Europe. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say he couldn't get into the army despite wanting to because of his size. No, no.

Wow. And so, and then he was doing, and he had already started doing stand-up because he knew a guy. And if people don't know about the cat skills, I think almost everybody does, but it's a resort that was very Jewish about an hour and a half north of New York City or west. And it was filled with, you know, Buddy Hackett and Henny Youngman and Alan King and all the guys that you and I know from the Friars Club. Oh, yeah. And so he grew up as a bus boy at one of the resorts in the Catskills. And his deal was he was a bus boy unless somebody got sick. And then he literally understudied every single person in the show and knew their lines.

Like if somebody dropped out, he was in and he knew their lines and he would kill. And so he started learning stand-up, did a little bit of sketch and stand-up in the Army. and then got out at 20. He had three brothers. They were all in World War II at the same time. Oh, my God. Anyway, I don't want to dwell on it because you should see it. Saving Private Brooks.

But it's so interesting because it gets into, like, his huge successes. And when things weren't going well, he admittedly was a really nasty guy and his first marriage to a fucking hottie. She was a dancer on, like, your show of shows or something. And when he was out of work, she lost his marriage. She lost his three kids. He was just really, and he admits it. And so anyway, so I get to the premiere and there's a big red carpet.

And who's there? Mel Brooks, 99 years old. And nobody knew. Judd said to me, I don't think he's going to make it. This is too much for him. Shows up, sits through the entire two hours and 45 minutes, and then gets on stage with Judd afterwards. and they riff for about 20 minutes.

It was so great. That's incredible. He is amazing. I mean, I don't know anybody in the comedy world, whether you're a writer or a director or an actor or a comedian, that is not fundamentally affected by Mel Brooks's work growing up. Oh, absolutely. Are you kidding me?

I mean, he's the definition of funny. How about this? In every way you could think of and many ways you can't. Here's one you can't, and it's very far down that list. He's responsible for giving us all David Lynch. Give us what? David Lynch. He was the producer of Elephant Man.

He saw a racerhead and he took a chance on David Lynch that even David Lynch couldn't believe. And let him direct, am I, yeah, David Lynch, the beloved director. Mel Brooks gave him his start. directing what? Elephant Man. That was a Mel Brooks production? Yep, he produced it. Oh, I didn't know that.

I know. By design, people ask Mel Brooks. They said, why isn't your name? I mean, you were one of the heavyweights of Hollywood. He's like, because I just, my name has comedy dripping all over. Yeah. And I didn't want that near this production. Oh, my God.

That's wild. Yep. So he spoke. And then it was just fun. It was a fun group of comics that were there. a bunch of celebrities and then and then I got in

the New York Times the next day. They did photos from the red carpet and there were like five and for some weird reason me and what's his name?

Mosha Casher. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because we were fucking around on the red carpet and we were acting like imbeciles and so we were making the New York Times photographer laugh

so I think she just kind of did us a favor and put us in. That's great. So what do we got here? We are the worst. Someone pointed out like two of the teams out of the four, like that we wanted were immediately out.

And sure enough, three of the teams I wanted out of four. I think that's, anyway, San Francisco, Chicago, and Buffalo all gone. I mean, three very likable teams gone. Yeah, probably that those were probably the, I would say not probably. definitely those three teams were the most popular nationally for people. Yeah.

You know, because the Bears haven't won in so long and they're such a gutsy team and the fans are so huge. And Buffalo has been shut down nine times now in the playoffs. So did you get home in time to see that overtime? Oh, yeah. And the past that led to overtime with the Bears? I mean, it's going to go down in history. It's one of the great overtime playoff. touchdown passes.

The funny thing is you see him and you see him scramble and all that and then you see him just, you know, Hail Mary it, right? So you're expecting like, all right, now four guys, five guys are going to jump up. A very typical ending and then it didn't end that way. But what you don't realize is how far back he had gone. Like that wasn't a toss into the end zone. It was like a 50-yard pass while moving backwards. He didn't have his feet under.

him for that throw. That was all arm. He's just an incredible athlete, man. But look, the main team that's still in it, which is my team since I was nine years old is the Rams, baby. And they're going up against Seattle. I think that Seattle might be favored by a couple points, but it's anybody's game. Seattle is the loudest stadium in the country, which has a huge effect on home games. I'm just now, I have no more,

I have no more feelings about any of this. So it's all going to be, I'm just going to bet. What are the stats? All right. Let's make a bet right now. No, no. I'm going to look on like, you know, and get good bets and with odds. Game time odds and all that.

I'll bet with you when the time comes. All right. Game time odds. I will take the Rams and you take Seattle. All right, perfect. I love that. Okay. I think you might owe me money from a previous bet.

We don't do that. We don't do that. We don't do that. Okay, fine. Then let's make it $1,000. Yeah, the Rams are $2.5. half point underdogs right now, so we'll see what it is at game time. All right. What is this letter to me?

Wait, wait, no, so how much are we making the bet? I don't know, 20 bucks. All right, 20 bucks. So anyway, we got an email from a guy named Paul Laquazzi. I hope I'm saying that right. L-I-C-A-U-S-I. La Cazee. Because this is an important, well, you're from Eastchester, so you probably know more than I would.

Lecozy. I want a beer cook. Is it La Coozy? Maybe it's La Coozy. Le Coozy? Yeah. I won a beer Coozy a while back. And Mike never sent it to me.

I'm here to make Mike, I swear to God, you have done more to hurt our fan base. I mean, anybody that buys a coozy or submits jokes for sending you papers, those are our core biggest fans. They're delightful people. And you have let them. I still have a handful. They're going to go out.

We've lost them. The coosies? I'm here to make, I'm here to Mike a bet. I bet Mike $500, quote a parenthesis, I have the disposable income and have paid more for less. Oh. If Mike sends me my prize before the podcast, after the one you read this message on, I will do one of the following. Your choice, Greg. A, send Mike $500.

I like A. Send you, Greg, $500 and a Mike gets nothing. C, I will pay the podcast $500 for an ad where I call out an ex-girlfriend who did me wrong without names with lots of details. Paul Likwez from Port Jefferson, New York, a good Long Island boy. So here's what I suggest. There's a comic.

I don't know if you know this comic, but his name is Rocky LaPort. I believe he's from Long Island, too. This is perfect. Pretty sure Rocky's from, why don't you look up where Rocky LaPort is from while I explain this. You want me to look up something? Yes. So Rocky had a very bad accident recently. He's on a Rocky Road.

And he was injured badly. He is not mobile right now. This happened a couple months ago and he still can't get out and do stand-up. He's got, I'm like God. What's Rockies? His ass name? Laport, L-A-P-O-R-T-E. And so he's laid up and there's a go-fund me.

which I've been spreading around to people, and I'd like to announce it right now. If you want to get involved, this is a great comic, a dear friend of a lot of us, and he's having a really hard time. His daughter has cancer, and I mean,

it's just really, really rough. So if you can go to support Rocky's Road to Recovery, you can donate some money there, and that would be really amazing. And anybody that does that, send me a screenshot, and I will, read your name on the air for doing a nice thing. But what I'm suggesting is the $500 from

Paul Lacuzzi should go to support Rocky's Road to Recovery. That's the second best idea other than giving me 500 bucks. Yes, that's what I thought you said. So, you know, it's funny. Rocky Laporte Wikipedia page is just professional. It doesn't mention where he was in the shaggy dog though. Tim Allen watched him do a sand. upset on Comedy Central Presents and said he's his favorite new comic and put him in the shaggy dog and that got him going. Huh. But I don't know where on Long Island he's from.

All right. Oh, God, no, this accident was back in August. Yeah, he said a bunch of surgeries, pelvic. Oh, my God. Brutal. So anyway, he, uh, I don't see anything about Long Island, but whatever he's from, this would be a really amazing. So, so Mike. take some riddle in tomorrow morning,

get a coozy. I have to send this thing to Port Jeff? Port Jeff, baby. Oh, man. I know. It's not like he's in Philly. All right. A cruzies going to Port Jeff

because of our comedian friend. Okay, good. Our logo this week, speaking of you guys, pitching in, Bob, who is one of our main logo guys, has a logo thing. says, welcome to Nook, and we are dressed in heavy park of jackets.

My first stand-up comedy joke of all time, and you probably remember, because you were there. Oh, man, a snorkel jacket. The snorkel jacket. I used to talk about my mom, bought me a snorkel jacket, and I felt I looked like an ant eater or an ardvark. Yes. It was a very long closing bit. Snowballs hitting you on the side of the head. Yeah. I've seen it a lot.

But, by the way, it's Sunday right now. and anyone in the middle of the country is probably indoors all day long. I mean, they don't know what this storm is going to be, but we're going to talk about it. We're going to get to it. Good tease. Good tease, Mike. Sure. Such a pro.

Yeah, I forgot to do it, though. Go ahead. The song this week is from Ray Maslanca, who gives us really great stuff. Thank you, Ray. Greg did not send it to me yet, so I haven't heard it yet. He said, if we are still keeping AI school. score, guitar, bass, vocals, organ, percussion, Ray Maslanca, drum loop,

cheesy bass effects pedal I never really use. Okay. So I guess maybe the drum loop and the bass were factory made. Sounds it. Corrections. That Mike called Hidden Figures movie Invisible Figures. Ha ha. Goes what he thinks.

Well, wait. so bad about, I mean, I'm on the side of those ladies. Well, they were invisible. It's like they're invisible to me. But I guess hidden figures is also a math term maybe. Oh, I see. Right. But I don't know.

He's thinking I maybe seems like his letter is saying I might have invalidated them even more than the word hidden does. But I don't know. That's what I, I think I think it's the same meaning, really. Mm. Yeah. And then we got Tommy from Tokyo. says a Sith is a Star Wars thing.

We were talking about the comic strip from last week. Oh. What the Grim Reaper holds is a sithe. Yeah, sithe. Lithe or rithe. Oh, sithe. Sithe or sithe? Sithe.

Life, life, rive, sithe. So, Tommy. I always heard sife. Here's a correction for you, Tommy, in Tokyo. It's rice, not lice. Oh, look at you. Our Japanese golfing friends would not approve that joke. Silly Crazy Fun on the YouTube channel wrote us a note that said,

The first woman in space was Valentina. Oh, sorry, this is Dirty Dan's. Dirty Dan's wrote this. Yes, we forgot about the Soviet woman. Right. And then get this, silly crazy fun wrote me. Ouch, Mike. Being told oregano oil is strong versus.

it literally burns without dilution. She Googled it for you. Can cause chemical burns when applied directly to the skin or, so I learned that afterwards. I should never have taken the dropper and put it down my throat. Like, remember last week I was talking about the kids like, hey, that stuff's strong. I'm like, yeah, I'm all right.

You know, like, I like, I like tricking mescal, like, you know, just with no mixer. Like, this, it can peel your skin off. And it's literally the most sensitive skin on your body. It's the soft mucus in the back of your throat. And I did like half a dropper. I don't even, that must have been like 10, I don't know how many drops to a dropper. People probably know it's probably 10 drops I did.

Oh my God. Crazy, at least eight. There was something in here about Philly. Did it get erased? No, does it down below with letters to the edit? Oh, I don't know. Maybe, yeah. Tour dates, folks, are you kidding me, Irvine Improv? Oh, no, that'll be over by the time this happens. How about Austin? The mothership in Austin, Texas, January 30th through February 1st. Those will sell out. Get your tickets fast. Sacramento Punchline, February 5 through 7. Philly at the Helium Comedy Club, February 13th through 15, Valentine's Day, bring your gal out, bring your girl out. Lexington, Houston, Houston, 14. Worth, L.A., we got the St. Paddy's Day Show. Mike will be performing on March 17th.

Whoa now. Janesville, Wisconsin, Bakersfield, Escondido, get tickets at fitsdog.com. There we go. Mike, should we talk about what's really important on this podcast? I'd say you should. Let's talk about getting hard. Oh, yeah. That's a little crude.

No, no. It's time to level up. Oh, okay. Blue Chew is your friend. They dropped something crazy. They got this new championship belts, this new level blue chew gold. It's from the number one chewable ED brand. It's, I mean, look, we all know about men.

It's mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and body. And it's, you know, look, I take it. I don't need to, look, I take depression, anti-anxiety pills, and sometimes not everything is where it needs to be. And so Blue Chew has provided me the opportunity to be a beast like I'm back in my 20s again.

Oh my God. Honey, come on, come on and talk about this. Poor Aaron. So, you know, look, next time you get like a you-up. Uh-huh. on your phone. You got to be prepared.

You are. You are. And ladies, if you're listening, you can send a link to your man. Yeah. Do yourself and him a favor. Make everybody happy. Blue Chew makes everybody happy.

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All right. Let's go to the front page. You got a little sum to crinkle? I sure do. I got a knee brace. Here we go. All right. Oh, there it is the storm. A huge swath of the U.S.

You really don't ever hear swath except for when you're talking about a big part of... I'm going to look up swath. I want to swatch his fabric, but what swath run? The swath of the U.S. is bracing for a life-threatening winter storm that will bring frigid temperatures, dump significant amounts of freezing rain, ice, snow, snow, making travel conditions treacherous and stressing power systems. Yeah, remember Texas last time? Shut it down.

And they're right in the path. Tens of millions of people are under a winter storm and extreme cold watch as far west as eastern New Mexico, going through Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Ohio. And then into New England. Get this. I just looked up swath. You want to hear the definition? Small world.

A swath is a long, broad stripper area of something. Originally the path cut by a scythe. Get out of here. Swear to God, there it is. I highlighted the word. So you use a sife to cut a swath? Through grass or grain. Yeah, now use for large areas like vast swaths of countryside.

I love it. Or groups like a swath of the population. All right. You learn something. So blinding snow squalls in parts of New England, farther south, Stripling ice and slate are the biggest risk. That's, see, this is why I like a weather report. It's just one thing everybody can agree on.

It's nonpartisan. It's fact. Ice is a danger to most of the country right now. You know what? I wish I was watching an election night map. I wish it was more like this weather app where all the red states are turning blue. They put the blue over all the southern states that are going to get this ice storm. They all flipped.

All of them flipped. If this was happening on election night, the Democrats would run away with the election. These motherfuckers wouldn't be able to get out of the house. They would not be able to get out of the house. No, listen, every city down there in this hole, it's Tennessee, it's Kentucky, it's northern Alabama. Anyway, Texas, all the supermarkets are empty. It's crazy. Oh, no.

Everyone, listen, I've had experience down in Tennessee with it. schools closed for like a week. They don't have the salt. They don't have the trucks. They don't have anything to deal with this. But more than anything, if they get two inches of ice and it's going to be one to three, if they get two, they're like, that is power out for a long time. And a lot of times that means heats out.

I don't know what they'll do. I know. This could be bad. Isn't it funny, though, on election night, when you look at the map up on the news, like it is if you look at red and blue indistinguishable from the Civil War map of the Confederates and the Union it's the same states in 250 years I don't know has changed at all oh no the Confederates wish they had as many strongholds in the north as they do now yeah yeah that's probably Ohio I mean Michigan is is on the fence

what do we got here social media is but You're going to love this story, Mike. Okay. With rumors that immigration and customs enforcement plans to ramp up operations in Philadelphia. Here we go. Showtime. Many users are responding with a defiant. Good luck. Posts have spread saying that it's going to become the next democratically led city targeted for immigration crackdown.

But many locals were quick to remind outsiders that the city of brotherly love doesn't always live up to its nickname. No, it doesn't. It actually doesn't. With some joking that the Philadelphians are known to riot, even when their sports teams win. Now, how will ICE tell if someone is Mexican or Italian? Oh, I know. Maybe the cross, the horn necklace, the hair gel,

the tanked up in January, or that he's yelling at a black guy. Yeah, that'll weed it out for sure. Yeah. Listen, if I'm head of ice and we're going into Philadelphia, let me tell you how we're doing it. We're going to train and we're going to train at a zoo. That's the only way to get these guys ready to go in there.

Because these Philly animals are going to be sliding down the lamppost and coming at you. They're the scariest animal of all because they have nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. They've got nothing to lose the Philly animals. Yeah. I mean, if you can get into Philly and just get out, that's a victory. But you're not getting out with anybody. They're not.

I can't wait to see it. not going to and they know about their reputation they're self-aware somehow and still not killing themselves no they're self-aware and they are going to hold up their reputation and fight back is my hope and did you see the mayor of philadelphia was she the sheriff or the mayor are they i think she i think was the mayor black woman and she oh maybe sheriff threw down she was like not here it's not happening here so i think the administration took that as uh Okay, it's on. So it's going to be, it's going to be heated.

But that's what they want. Ice wants you to fight back. If you are peacefully demonstrating, keep it that way. The White House wants this to be the lead story. Yes. They want people fighting back. They want ICE agents getting attacked. And then they can really unleash.

So stay cool people. They don't even need that. They just need headlines. So even if it's that ice unfairly hurts or kills. people. That's going to be headlines. Washington likes that. They do? They don't want any chatter about the Epstein files. They'd rather it be about Greenland claims. They'd rather it be about anything else. Yeah. Okay, here we go. San Francisco Coyote swims to Alcatraz for the first time ever. A coyote recently stunned observers by swimming to Alcatraz, braving the treacherous

waters surrounding notorious former prison island off the coast of San Francisco in plain view of a tourist recording video. The coyotes thought to be the first ever to reach Alcatraz. It's uncertain why the animal doggie paddle there. Well, I think we know why a doggy paddle there. He couldn't do the backstroke with his tail. The consensus is that the creature probably came from San Francisco about 1.25 miles away. Wow.

It wasn't immediately clear what happened to the coyotes. after it was recorded getting to Alcatraz. Nonetheless, experts said that the coyote had resources on the island with which to survive, including banana slugs, mice, rats, birds, and puddles of rainwater. And shanks? It'll find some shanks, I'm sure. Some drugs are probably buried out there, I imagine.

They're wondering why he did it. He was trying to get away from all the homeless coyotes in San Francisco. I'm shocked. It swam through the San Francisco Bay without at least 49ers fans falling on it while they were jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge after that loss. Yeah. Maybe the roadrunner tricked him into thinking he was in the prison. Sad little detail of the story is even this coyote had hidden a Mexican family with them. So now they're on Alcatraz.

That'll be the next ice detention center. Yeah. I mean, usually when a coyote goes to prison, it's because they find a kilo of Coke up his ass at the border. They have to break it to the coyote. The Birdman of Alcatraz doesn't live there anymore. It's just going to be handouts. He was going to have unending meals.

Oh, right. Yeah, the famous Birdman of Alcatraz. Dude, did you ever see that movie? That was insane. I did. Who played it? The guy, Lancaster, right? Well, that was the original.

and then they remade it with that guy who went kind of crazy, the blonde. He went on Letterman and acted really nuts. Wait, how long ago? You're not talking about the guy from Back to the Future. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course, we won't get his name, but yeah, yeah, I'll get it right now.

So anyway, yeah, that's a crazy story. I saw the footage of it. The poor thing got back to land. and when it came up on land on the island, it was so, it couldn't walk, which is understay, its legs were so cold and it was exhausted from the swim. You could have gone over and picked it up.

Yeah. Okay, cast. We got, and I got it. You start reading this next story. Okay. Crispin Glover. Yeah, Crispin Glover. That's who it was.

Nathan's famous, which opened as a five-cent hot dog stand in Coney Island, more than a century ago has been sold to packaged meat giant Smithfield foods. Isn't it great when a cute little original spot gets bought up by some fucking multinational conglomerate? They paid $450 million. All right, I get it. They produce all of Nathan's products in the U.S. and the Sam's Clubs.

Like almost every food company, Nathan's, has been under significant inflationary pressure. there was a 20% increase in the average cost per pound of hot dogs. So I guess 20% increase. So I guess to make a pound of Nathan's hot dogs, it cost 11 cents instead of nine cents. Is that what it breaks down? Yeah. I mean, that doesn't seem like they couldn't absorb that. Well, the deal would have been worth more.

But in the paperwork, it says the property has to host Joey Chestnut one day a year. that's like quite a lean on the property yeah yeah joey chestnut will take a bite out of your profits for sure yeah there's no way to get that out no can you imagine the shits joey chestnut takes for four days after that that should be the story chronicle that that's your documentary right there yeah supersizing his uh yeah all right joey chest butt um nice work a worker at a calicester California Library opened a package and was surprised to find a book that had been due back nearly 46 years earlier. Cassie Coldwin, branch manager at the San Diego Library, said she opened the package and the book was The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford.

All right. That's very appropriate. I got to open it and enjoy the old book smell, which was quite powerful in this particular item. They sent it back to the right branch, even though we're at a new address, so they clearly did some research to get it back to us. The package was sent anonymously with an unsigned note reading, sorry this is so late with a hand-drawn smiley face. The library's records revealed the book was due back May 20th, 1980. Wow. Maybe Gubbins will be returning chaos in 12 years when he finished his reading it. Meanwhile, they opened the book and then all the letters that were cut out

from the Zodiac Killer up in California. This was his book. And he's still out there. Right, right. Should I return the pages that I ripped out of Madam Wazelle magazine that featured self-breast exams? Yes. Back when I was in middle school. Yes. And you won't have to lick the envelope. I think it'll seal itself. I just have to, all I do is fold them over. pages over, put a stamp on it. Maybe I'll grab my National Geographic, Tanzania, June of 1979.

I remember, speaking of ripping things out of library books, I remember in high school, this kid saw like a cool, like surfing photo or skateboarding photo, whatever it was in a magazine. So he tore them out and he was going to put

it and he's going to put him up in his room when he got back to his dorm room. And the librarian saw him, so she checked his bag on the way. Anyway, caught him and they gave them two, they were called steps in our school and four steps and you're kicked out. So they gave them instead of one, one step was bad. You did something bad. You got, you got like a step. They gave them two because it was stealing and it was vandalism. And it turned

out his dad, I'm forgetting his name, but his dad was a high powered lawyer in New York City because this was a boarding school in the Berkshires. And I remember being with, him. His name was David. And he just got off the phone. And this is when I was like, oh, man, lawyers think different. And he had a conversation with his dad and he told him. And so his dad didn't say anything. He, like, thought for one second, he goes, well, next time, son, take the whole magazine. It's like apocalypse now. The horror. Remember they chop off the arms after they get vaccinated? Yeah. But like, yeah, just get one step. Like, what a, what a dumb rule. You would have only gotten one step if you stole the whole magazine.

It was so far. I was like, it was such a, you know, I'm all of 17 or 60. My head exploded. It was incredible. All right. Let's get to an ethical question. All right. Let's do.

Oh, wait, hold on. Here we go. Okay. All right. Mike, this one is, this one you're going to have to think hard about. All right. How many people you don't know and have never met, would you choose to die to keep your family alive?

all of them right i mean what's the there's no right answer there except that yeah you're such a caring loving person all of them i'm not gonna there's no number it's like all right there that guy that one person because it comes down to one person being added yes right yeah you start with zero so the first one that's easy for everyone well you're just adding one each time yep Well, I don't think you could do it one at a time if you're killing the whole world. Well, I mean, in theory, you have a number that's ticking up. And basically you're asking me, what's my number? Yeah.

Yeah, you get there one body at a time. I'd like to know what nationalities were starting with. Oh, shit. Because I have them ranked. I have them ranked. Yes. Some are worth more than others. Let's be real.

Yeah. So, also male or female. height men are way more disposable whether they have a podcast or not those they go first they go first yeah well not all of them because I only have daughters

so I don't know how I do it there has to be has to be some dudes left yeah oh that's true yeah maybe you want real beta males that are not going to challenge you or dominate your daughters in anyway, just real fucking kind of wimpy dudes that make a lot of money, like tech, tech

bros? Well, maybe I kill them all and I can harvest the semen. Let me think more about it. I think I know where you can harvest it, those magazine clippings that you made in high school. Preserve forever. It's like the crystal, like, whatever it is from Jurassic Park. There's probably insects from the 70s in there. Right.

All right. We're going to tease entertainment. We're going to talk about the Oscar nominations, which came out today. We're going to talk about him next week. Yeah, Joel Edgerton or whatever his name is. Train Dreams, man. He did not get nominated, but Train Dreams did. That's so far my favorite movie the year, I think.

We're giving you guys a week so that you can actually see some of these movies since we, I've seen very few of them. Hold on it's my wife. Let's put her on. Oh, boy. She hung up. She must have known. She's probably too tired to hold up the phone with the way you read that blue shoe ad.

All right. Here we go. We're going to make America, Florida. All right. On Tuesday, the Marion County Sheriff's Office received an anonymous tip alleging that a 34-year-old woman identified as Alexis had engaged in unlawful sexual activity with her husband's biological son who is referred to as. as the victim in the arrest report. And she will be referred to as the stepmom. The alleged sexual encounter with Yates occurred at around 1 a.m. I'm listening. Wait a minute.

I was up at 1 a.m. I think I saw this live on my laptop. The alleged it happened at 1 a.m. several hours after the, uh-oh, other children in the household had gone to bed. Yeah. The victim stated that he was watching a horror movie with Yates, the stepmom,

when they both became bored, and she allegedly began talking about being horny. Yates had been making, the stepmom had been making sexual jokes around the victim for approximately a week leading up to the incident, including numerous alleged comments about being sexually aroused. At the time of the incident, the stepson stated that he was infatuated with her, and he asked her if she wanted to cuddle on the couch. the victim is a weird word here

the victim described beneficiary the victim described how the interaction soon escalated into kissing and then the stepmom allegedly told him that she wished he was 18 years old oh wait record scratch wait did we not establish yet in this story how old he is I don't think we did

the victim then described the alleged sexual encounter with her in graphic detail which came to an end when the biological father, the husband, entered the home. The victim proceeded to run into another room and his father confronted the stepmother while she was naked on the couch. Jesus, this is the most detailed report I've ever heard. The day after the incident. You think the reporter got a little too into his job on this story? And I've cut this down.

The day after the incident, the victim stated that he called, sorry, the day after the incident, the victim stated that he called her during the, that phone conversation, she allegedly spoke highly about their alleged sexual encounter and mentioned that she wished his father had not caught them. Yates was transported to Marion County Jail where she was released the following day. She's out and about after posting bond. She is being charged. Okay. She's being charged with lewd and lascivious behavior on a victim between the ages of 12 and 16. So why isn't the. grape word used. True.

It was a 10, she got out on a $10,000 bond. She probably raised that in about a half an hour on her only fans account talking about this incident. Yeah. It's an only fan account and it's limited to family only. Only family. It's just stepson. Well, 12 to 16. I mean, look, 16.

I think that, I'm hoping that includes 16. Yeah, 12, between 12, yeah. I mean, 16 is way different than 12. We'll say that. Yes. I know that we should say more. But I don't know why it's the city. Was there ever any sexual tension with you and your stepmom?

No, I had the very other natural, very popular reaction, which is resentment. Yes. A stepmother has very little chance to win over, especially young kids. right away. Well, that's why this woman's pulling this stunt. That's all she wanted. She just wanted him to hold her.

Give her a hug. That's why she took her clothes off. Yeah. I don't know, man. That is, uh, Florida is getting it on. Oh my God. There are pictures of her. She's,

she's kind of attractive. No. Yeah. She's tatted up. She has a lot of tats in the torso. But, uh, you see. her torso because she's in a bikini.

Alexis von Yates. I mean, that sounds like a poor name. Alexis von Yates. A.V. It has adult video initials right in it. Yeah. All right. Well, let's make America Philadelphia again.

You can look up Miss Von Yates on your own. Here we go. Philly, baby. Pennsylvania man charged with vandalizing Humpty Dumpty statue. at the Jersey Shore mini golf course. Good luck, ice. These people can't even walk home from the bar without absolutely attacking a Humpty Dumpty statue.

Animals. The incident happened at the, I bet Tom O'Neill, we should call him and ask him. I bet he knows this Humpty Dumpty because he goes to this beach. The incident happened at the Ocean Putt miniature golf course in Cape May just after 4 a.m. The suspect and unidentified, man, we're walking. walking along Jackson Street when surveillance video captured the suspect climb a fence and unlawfully

enter the property, police said. Investigators claimed video showed him removed the Humpty Dumpty statue from its foundation and discard it down the street. They said the estimated cost to fix the prop was about a thousand bucks and two thousand to replace it. That sounds weird. That sounds low. At least come on, man. How are you going to fix a Humpty Dumpty for a thousand bucks? People can't get window shades replaced for that little. No, and I can tell you right now, all the King's horses and all the King's men are not going to be able to put Humpty back together again. Your painting, didn't you tell me how much it cost a room? Yeah, it cost me $600 to do my bathroom today.

Here's my house today. Let me describe my house today. So the painter comes, and he's this guy, and he's done some painting for us before. Amazing guy, Hernando. And he's in the bathroom. And then the housekeeper comes. She comes in every other week. And she's cleaning the house.

And then the landscaper comes who is, you know, trimming the shrubs, blowing the leaves. And I'm just saying. Is this entrapment for ice? I'm just thinking if I showed up, it would be so bad. Oh, my God. Oh, holy ice. That's what I kept saying all day. Hold the ice.

Yeah. All right. What are we going down to? Let's get down to science and health. Oh, all right. Science and Health. Okay. There is a bizarre new trend called Vabbing.

Oh, right. Casey claims she's addicted to doing it as she appears on TLC's My Strange Addiction Show. Yet while she might not be able to get enough of it, doctors have warned about the serious health consequences of the vaginal dabbing trend. It's an amalgamation of the words vaginal and dabbing. Essentially, it's the act of taking vaginal discharge and dabbing it on certain areas of the body where you might normally put a fragrance, such as the neck, wrists, and behind the ears.

The thought is that it will attract a partner thanks to the idea of vaginal fluid supposedly containing pheromones. This is the science section. The word supposedly is in this? Right. Does it or does it not? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I mean, to me, don't you usually put the perfume on your vagina? Not mine. No. I don't think that's what happens. You can't, no, you can't even wash it with soap. What are you talking about? You throw off the balance, the very delicate balance. Yeah.

If you put too much on, though, you just put some pads behind your ears. Yes. And on your neck. And then you have two maxi pads on each wrist. Yeah, I think if I smelt that on. Oh, my God, I had this, I don't even actually tell this story. But I was dating this woman in college. And, you know, it was kind of an on again, off again relationship.

We were always breaking up and getting back together. You know her. Yep. And so I went to a party. It was a happy hour party. You remember they used to have that singing comedian at who's on first on Fridays at like five o'clock? I don't remember that. I'm glad I have no memory of that.

This guy would get up. It was a real dive bar. You remember who's on first. Yeah. He'd get up there with a guitar and he'd sing, and lean her up against the wall and have a gang bang. And it was all these different like. and everybody knew all the words and they sang and, you know, all of a sudden it's like 6.30 and you're shit-faced. And I meet this girl. And it was one of those weird things where I just walked up to her and we were both drinking and I just started making out with her. So we go back to her place.

Oh, it's such a sexy song. I'll put you in the mood. Hey, and they're up. I forget to. Yeah. And so we we make sweet love and including me performing oral sex upon her. It was a performance. These are details. Okay. Well, you need to know this because it has to do with vabbing. So now I go to my then on and on again, off again, girlfriend was having a party that night. And I showed up late. And she's like, why are you so late? And I was like, oh, I got caught up with some friends from the blah, blah, blah. And then she gave me a hug. And then she pulled her head back.

And she goes, you smell like vagina. Wow. I was so busted. And what did you do? I just talked, just tried to talk without saying anything, you know. Yeah. Did she ever believe you or no, you were busted? No, that was when I say on again, off again, that would have preceded an off again.

Right. Yeah. Period of our relationship. Wow. Yeah. I think it's in her book. Sarah Silverman has a story about our friend Dave, who is her manager and how dedicated he was. She was, like, called him and she was maybe trying to get an open mic out.

here or some some big moment and he's like you got to get down here right now like they're not letting me whatever and he like runs down and then like you know they hug and he's like she did the same thing she's like whoa she's like and she's like were you just eating and and he's like yeah but you said you needed me down here he like jumped out of bed to go help her oh my god that's so funny yeah uh he is he was my manager for many years and he's one of my dearest friends He's as is yours. He's just the best guy. He's amazing.

All right, let's get to, I think we're going to do this day in history. This day in history. This will also count as our obituary, man, because I scanned through it. And it is full of death. Yeah, that's what happens in history. People die. Sure thing. And maybe I make that the theme of this one.

Hank Aaron, one of the game's greatest history, hit him. years history. He died at the age of 86 on this day. In what year do you think Hank Aaron died? You have a big clue there. He was 86 years old. All right. He was 86. He broke the color barrier probably in the 50s. So he would have been born in the 30s. So if he was 86, that would add up to, what's 86 and 30? Oh, I'm going to give or take you. I'm going to give her take you 10 years. I'm going to be very generous. So what year are we saying? Yeah, that's what we're saying.

I'm going to say 1976. That's what? Do the math again? I didn't do the math. Yeah. No, you're so close. He died in 2021. Really?

Yeah, not even in the century that you guessed. Well, that would have made sense. No, but I guessed he was born in the 30s and he was 86. So that's exactly right. Yeah, you should have followed. through and check all work as they say check all work uh hey what year did uh connor o'brien's career at the tonight show die speaking of deaths he was on uh the tonight show as the host and then he was yanked give or take three years one do you that's very generous one do you think conan's last tonight

show was i'm going to say two thousand and twelve I gave you three years. 2010. Nice. All right, here's one that's not, yeah, I'm not going to do that one. It was Ted Kaczynski, but we're not going to do it. Okay, so we're going to go down here,

and we're going to find some more deaths. Larry King. Larry King. All right, Larry King. He died at the age of 87, and what year, give her take three years? Well, my friend was just, producer and loved him, said he was the greatest

menchy guy she ever met. Who's the producer? You don't know her. Oh, okay. I'm going to say he wasn't that long ago, probably 12 years ago. So I'm going to say 2013. 2021.

I don't think you've gotten one right yet. What? No, I got Conan O'Brien right. Oh, yeah, that wasn't a death. But okay. Jack Lillane, man. He lived till 96 years old, Jack Lillane, the fitness guru. What year did he die, give her take 10 years?

1985. 2011. We're moving on to Johnny Carson. What? Are you serious? Johnny Carson died at 79 years old. Johnny Carson, you know him so well. It was your dream to be a guest of his.

That's right. A dream deferred. So 70, well, positively call it deferred. He died at 79 years old, give or take seven years. When did Johnny Carson pass? You're Googling it. 2014. You're not Googling it.

2005. Missed it. Man. All right. We're going to get off a death for a second. I'm going to give you a layup. A layup. But I'm giving you a, it's going to be a layup.

I was going to give you one or two years. I'm going to give you a three-year window. Okay. The TV miniseries Roots premiered on this date in what year, give or take three years? 1970. It's 1977. We watched it as a class when I was in seventh grade. That's why I knew exactly what year it was.

All right. So you don't know about poor people passing, but boy, do you remember enslavement? you and your white classmates just soaking it all that was what was crazy about it is i went to school with a lot of black kids and we watched roots and we had a lot of deep discussions about it and there was some joking there was a lot of good joking like like we teased each other about it when i say each other the white kids teased the black kids and um and they teased us about being slave owners like we were at that age like the same kids that i was joking about that stuff with when i was you know 12 13 years old things changed there was like there was like a coming of age that

happened right after that where we would not have been joking about it we would not have had like uh i mean you deal with you use comedy to deal with you know what's uncomfortable and what's painful and and we did and i just don't know if it would have had happen a couple years later. Lovely memory. Lovely memory. I wonder how much of it's true. All right, letters to the editor.

Here we go. Letters to the editor. All right. Let's go down to... Dear Greg and Mike, I like Smartless, but here's the thing. When you said something about their notoriety, and then immediately had dead air, while Mike tried to find some jokes about the Golden Globes,

I laughed right out loud. Sunday Papers feels way more authentic to me. That's why I only listen to SmartList occasionally. I thought she was going to say us. And I listen to Sunday papers every week. Every week. When I listen to you, I feel like I'm in on a conversation between two real friends, not just people who come together for a podcast.

Love you guys. Trisha. Wow, Trisha. How wonderful. Such a nice note. And look, I don't doubt that those three guys are close friends. I just doubt that when you become as famous as that, you really have close friends that doesn't involve commerce and agents and publicists.

And, you know, like our pocket, there's no, we don't have any agents taking a piece of this. We barely have any ads. Like, we do it for the love of the sport. And these guys, like, this is just another thing William Morris is telling them to do because it'll make a lot of money. And it did. They got like $100 million or something. Podcasts have to pay, had to pay $50,000 to be considered for a nomination on the Golden Globes. They had to pay to be, so we couldn't have been nominated without paying that.

Right. You had to submit even. You have to pay $50,000. Wow. How about that map? Smartless is sold for how much money. It was sold for $100 million. Here's another letter to the editor.

Mike, you're. a J-O. Love Philly. I don't believe it because it has the word love in it. I don't think they're capable of that down there. They kid the ones they love, Mike.

I know, I know. Well, they took the time to write it in. I'm surprised they can read and write. Here we go. I know a bituary this week. We already did it. Fonnies.

Let's do it. All right, funnies. All right, as you know, we do the comedy caption contest every week. We give you one frame of a comic. You write your punch lines. send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

You put your name directly underneath your joke. The top choice gets himself or herself a coozy mailed almost instantly by Mike Gibbons. Oh man. And we do pick some finalists this week. There were only a few finalists because, to be perfectly honest, this was a tough comic caption. It was a guy with a zoo cap. He works at the zoo. and he is behind a building

and he has a snake. The first is a coiled up hose in the foreground and then he's got a snake by the neck and then the tail of the snake he's got it shoved in the spigot of an outdoor

He's holding it like a hose, right? Yeah, he's holding it like a hose, basically. So here's the jokes. Matt said, Find my car keys and we'll drive out of here. You remember that joke? It was like a joke about a woman with a giant vagina Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.

And the two guys go in and they've got on like mining hats with lights and there's an echo and I drop my car. Can you help me find my, whatever? Wait, is that, wait, remember we challenged listeners to just come up with a caption for the next one? Like just randomly? Remember we did that? Oh, okay. Maybe that's what that is because that doesn't make any.

sense, right? No, it doesn't make any sense. I only put it in because I love that punchline. So we have to save that one. All right. Okay. Save that. Um, Sean from Ontario said, God damn fucking shaky hose. Ah, okay. Yeah, it's very literal. John W. said, no, make it don't thread on me. Don't. Ah, he fucking wrote it wrong. He says, no, make it don't tread on me. No, thread. He's trying to attach the hose. Oh, no. Make it don't thread me on.

Don't thread me on. Oh. I guess as opposed to don't tread on me. All right. I see the attempt. Yeah. Anthony said, E reptile dysfunction can happen anywhere.

Okay. And Kenny Engel said, reduced funding for city services forces zoo workers to re-examine enema procedures. Yeah, I don't think anyone gets a coozy this week, but one's going out to that other dude. Yes, that's the important thing. Somebody is getting a coozy. Love it. This is next weeks.

There are three people sitting down for dinner. Two of them have entrees in front of them. They are businessmen. They're in suit. I don't know if they're businessmen, but they're wearing suit and top. and they're talking to each other while a third person that looks like an overgrown boy

is picking his nose and he has an ice cream Sunday in front of him. Yeah. So the two men are talking. Boy picks his nose. He's kind of clownish looking. He has freckles

and his hair is all fucked up. Interesting. Good luck with that one. I mean, you thought last week's was hard. It looks like the guy in the middle is talking. Okay. Yeah.

All right. Good luck. that. Let's get to the real ones. We got Hagger the horrible. Hagger and Lucky, they've got a treasure chest, and they're running out of the castle, and behind them, the damsel, or whoever the queen is, or somebody, she's leaning out of the castle door, and she goes, come back. And they come back, and she goes, please take the Duke's nasty cigars, and she dumps the cigars into was bad. Now, I don't know a lot about medieval times, but it seems to me if the marauders are leaving and your dress is still on, you don't yell come back. Right. It seems weird. For any reason.

No matter how bad those cigars, I mean, they'd have to be pretty stanky cigars. You don't need to bribe them anymore either. Right. Yeah. The Lock Corns, we got Lee Roy is slumped at the desk and he goes, if money talks, it's giving us the silent treatment. I like that. That's good. And then he's sitting at the IRS office and the guy says to Leroy, sorry Mr. Lockhorn, but you can't deduct takeout meals as disaster relief. Funny. And then we've got Loretta and Leroy in the car.

She says, are we going to a place where we pay before or after we eat? that's a funny way of looking at food it's a very funny way of looking at food let me see let me see the onion that I grabbed this week uh onion is a picture of the delivery room the legs are spread and you see ice agents there and it says ice agents wait at edge of delivery table to deport newborn that's how it's going people that's how it's going oh my god these kids are getting pulled out of fucking schools. A kid was pulled out of a school and sent to Texas.

He lives in another state entirely. They're criminals. They're getting them off the street. They're making America safe again. All right. Let's get down to Blondie. Oh boy. Dagwood's on the couch,

laying with his back to her. I mean, what level of depression? He's got some kind of genetic predisposition to depression. She walks over and goes, Honey, look what I found my honey-do list from whenever we first moved into the house. He goes, oh. And then she goes, wow, after all these years, you still haven't completed most of what's on this list.

You must have forgotten all about it. Now, she leaves. He's on his back again going, actually, I thought I hit it better than that. All right, Dagwood, here's your to-do list. Okay? Exercise. Take some products from Blue Chew. Uh-huh.

hoist up that black silk skirt that she's wearing, bend her over that couch that you're laying on, spread those bowling pin calves to the side, and go to town on that goddess. Wow, yeah. Pretend it's your stepmom. It's a to-do list. I mean, three times a week, her.

Just blondie. That's my today. That's it. I was married to her. My to-do list would just say, Blondie, like all fun and no play makes Jack a dull boy. That's what,

over and over again. Yeah, I like it. You know what I like? I like Blue Chew, and you're going to get a big discount. When you go to bluechew.com, the Bluechew Gold is available.

10% off your first month with promo code papers. Also want to remind you guys, I'll be coming out to the Joe Rogan's Club Austin this weekend come out and say hi oh yeah very cool hopefully they'll have power yeah i know anything you want to promote mike man i don't know i'm not hamlet uh and then uh i'm watching blah blah blah blah it was just an accident i didn't like that i mean it's good but way too long i wish i had something i could uh recommend i'll tell you what's good um to ron t-e-h-r-a-n yeah you Tell me about that series.

That's cool. Really good quality series. Check it out. All right. That'll do it. Thank you so much to Gotham podcast studios for producing the show. Lovely. And we want to thank all of you guys for listening and supporting the show.

And we will see you next week. Take itish. Take itish. Bye. It's been seven days.