Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 299 2/1/2026

Episode Date: February 1, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Josh is the new Karen, a man gets intimate with his vacuum cleaner and Bill Belichick gets snubbed. From brutally honest stories about bombing on stage and the mental toll of stand-up comedy, to wild confessions about bad parenting, cheating exes, petty revenge, and Florida-level insanity, this episode spirals fast and never lets up.The guys rip through everything: pepper-sprayed protesters, Golden Globe pay-to-play politics, Jackie Robinson and sports history, the worst waiter in America, toxic tipping culture, relationship revenge psychology, and why ignoring your ex might be the most devastating move of all. Fitz drops legendary roast stories, unhinged analogies, and brutally funny takes on fame, failure, and modern culture.Dark, hilarious, uncomfortable, smart, and wildly unpredictable. If you love raw comedy podcasts where comedians say the quiet part out loud, this is one of the most chaotic Sunday Papers episodes yet. SPONSORS & SUPPORT THE SHOW Kalshi – The Largest Prediction Market in the U.S.Trade real-world events like elections, sports, weather, and pop culture outcomes.Get $10 to start trading when you sign up using the link below.https://kalshi.com/papers Fabric by Gerber Life – Term Life Insurance Made Simple Protect your family with affordable term life insurance in minutes. No health exam required.https://www.meetfabric.com/papers Quo – The Smarter Business Phone SystemNever miss a call, text, or customer again. Shared numbers, AI summaries, and team messaging in one app. Get 20% off your first six months.https://quo.com/papers Hosted by Greg Fitzsimmons & Mike GibbonsTopics include: stand-up bombing, cancel culture, parenting disasters, cheating revenge, Florida chaos, sports history, and absurd news breakdowns Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Read all of it. Fresh off the press is Sunday. papers. All the news you want to hear because you don't want to hear the other news. Welcome. Here's the sitch. You listeners are in February. It's February 1st Sunday.

Oh, dear God. We are recording this on Thursday in January still. I've just been seeing memes like it's still January. It's insane. What do you mean January feels long this year? That's the deal. Everyone's going through it. Listen, the whole middle of the country doesn't have power and I mean is frozen and has the ice rain and then tons of snow in other places. People are done with it. And now my girls are in Boston and New York. They may, I don't think it's going to happen now, but there was maybe going to be a bomb cyclone, one of those. And they were going to get more snow this weekend. I think that was me in Atlanta, Georgia on the late show Friday.

That was a bomb cyclone. You were a bomb cyclone? Yeah, because I bombed and it was just a, it was a lot of air coming out of my mouth, circulating and hurting people. People were hurting from what was coming out of my mouth. A cold front. You were met with a cold front. There is nothing better. having done this for 35 years, no, what am I saying?

36 years. To have just a sweet bomb where you just go down hard. Because it reminds you of what you're so afraid of. And then you get out of it. And it's no, it's no, it's just as bad as it's always been. It never does it not rattle your fucking cage when you mom. That's what all you guys say. It has to be true.

Yeah. It just absolutely stinks. Yeah. I mean, you think about like a Muay, how you get kicked in the leg enough times that it becomes dead, never becomes dead. Now, do you think evolved comedians have gotten past that? For instance, I'm thinking about like pitchers or batters who they're bothered by a cold streak or, you know, they can't get things started or a slump. But then I guess the real pros have not come to a place where they are not taking it personally. In other words, this doesn't make them a bad baseball player.

They've proven they're not that. But with comedians, it seems, nope, I'm bad. Yes. I think any comedian I've seen that it doesn't bother is no longer caring or trying. I think there's a vulnerability. that comes into stand-up comedy where if you're not, and I'm not saying everybody has to be a soft,

emo comic, even an aggressive comic, you're still showing yourself in a raw way. And when that gets turned down, like if you're selling paper, my cousin sells paper for a living and he lives in a fucking $3 million house. When they don't buy his paper,

they didn't buy the paper. Right. When I bombed, they ain't buying me. I know. Yeah, it really is an extension of us. Yeah. Like you write your best stuff, send it in.

You don't even hear back. You're like, oh, all right. That was me. Right, right. Yeah, I mean, do you find that with writing? Oh, yeah, for sure. And then that's a big drive. Like, even on the Globes, we had so many writers and a lot.

Oh, here's a good example. I don't know if I can say that one. But writers take it personally, and all of a sudden it's like they're turning it up on a day where we're kind of like landing the plane on the final version of the monologue. But they're turning up because they've seen overnight a joke they've had in for a while was beat. Yeah. And they take it very personally, which I understand completely. Right. So, yeah, I do too.

Like, in other words, you want to have points, you know, you want points on the board. So this was my best roast joke I roasted Baba Bowie on the Howard Stern show We did it live on the air And I said Gary's teeth looked like a row of urinals At Shea Stadium

And I've since heard other roasters Use that joke Oh really? Yeah That's great We want to thank people Speaking of stand-up comedians Also because they have Mets fans

Piss all over them Exactly it's like a discolored urine from the syphilis and not drinking enough fluids. Yeah. Speaking of comedian's Rocky Laporte, our dear friend had a rough accident and he's recovering and unable to work for sick. It's been six months now and he's dealing with a lot of financial stress. So there is a go fund me. You guys have been very generous.

I announced it last week. And it's if you go to support Rockies Road to Recovery, I believe it's linked on my website. You can donate some money. Lane from Denver gave $100. Whoa, lame. Tammy Winston gave $50. Alex Haynes gave $35.

Tammy. Alex. Tommy Hoskins gave $20. So anyway, keep important. And then more importantly, well, not more importantly, but also important, is Paul Lequazie from Port Jefferson, New York, who has pledged $500 if he receives. a coozy from Mike Gibbons by the time this airs. So we won't be able to pay this off until next week's podcast

because today's Thursday, we have until Sunday. And we will then announce on the following week whether he got it by Sunday. If he does, he's going to donate $500 to... I kept my word. I dug up the coozy, put it in the smaller envelope, which seemed to have more success going through the U.S. mail, albeit still borderline illegal. That's why so many got kicked back to me. But sent it.

Now, here's the fun part of this story. So we talk about it, and we talked about there's his Port Jefferson address with his zip code, and we talk about his name. I then go to send them, and I realize that's what's there. Paul LaCousie, Port Jefferson, New York with a zip code. No street address. So there's no contacting you. I didn't even try that.

I'm like, all right, let me look up this guy. Wait, what does that mean? There's no contacting me. You're on the road. You don't get back to me. And then you're not going to have the bandwidth to dig it up and all that. Okay. So national public data.com.

I go on. And I just Google his name and his zip code, right? So this site pops up. There are a bunch of public houses now. There's tons. Well, there's one guy older. There's a lot of Port St. Lucy in Florida, right?

So I didn't do any of that, any of that. Then there's another list. There's a lot of Paul Lacowski's. And did you give me his? Let me see here. No, you didn't give me a middle initial. Tons of them, but there's Port Jeff. Bingo.

Click on Point Jeff. There he is on Main Street in the zip code. Are we, wait a minute. Are we boxing Paul right now? I didn't give his address, like, street number. Jesus Christ. But here's the thing. You then, what, what, I don't, I think you send me a different address when you finally did.

What address did you send me? Did you email it to me? Yes. I texted it to you. Oh, you texted. Let's look it up. I'm a little worried. All right.

Well, this is a... You can see where we get into trouble, folks, that Gibbons could have taken 30 seconds and texted me, I would have gotten him right back with this address. Well, listen, Paul, you know where you used to live on Main Street. You got to get down there. You got to get down there and intercept...

Nope. Man, I haven't met a different place, which I won't read out loud because we won't docks him or whatever you want to call it. So, listen, Paul, get down to Main Street between 600 and 700 Main Street. No, you are going to FedEx it today. We're not FedExing shit. Two-day delivery.

This got out there. He probably owns both. He said he was successful that he could afford this sweet donation. And you know what I should. I'm not going to do it now. I'm going to look up both addresses and see how far apart they are. They're both in the same zip code. All right.

Why don't you tell us about Marcus King in the meantime? Oh, man. We went out. So Marcus King is great. He's this big, kind of bizarre-looking singer-gatrist. He's in National now. I don't know where he's from originally. He's amazing, right?

So all of a sudden, one of our buddies here is like, hey, he's playing the blue note. Do you guys want to go see him? And I'm like, I've never been to the blue note in Los Angeles. so we do unbelievable, but he played with two jazz guys. One guy is mono neon. Mononion is a bassist. He was the last bassist. He was playing with Prince when Prince died.

He wears, I don't even know what you call it. It's knit. It's like a giant neon yellow knit jacket and pants. It looked like he on neon snowboard. boarding boots and a whole mask also a knit like a needlepoint type thing like a needle like a needle like like like mask with goggles we were even like how is he not sweating to death under my god but it was like he was out of parliament you know what i mean it was like that sort of spirit he was phenomenal but uh i hate to single someone out i mean Marcus king held his own

It was unbelievable. His jazz guitar, also blues. But the drummer, Chris Dave, apparently I am late to this guy, because when you go on YouTube, like, it's tons of fans going, here's his 10 best, like, riffs, you know, all that stuff. And he would just start drumming, and it was like an engine. It was kind of like a... And then...

And it was like a fucking giant engine in the room that just kept driving. And him with this mono neon, anyway, all to say, take these guys' names, you will not be disappointed if you see just one of them wherever you can.

And they play in small clubs. Go see them. All right. I've never been to the blue note. Is it nice? You know, it's expensive. I get it. You know, I think, you know,

they do the $20, you know, at the table per person. and then, you know, it was like 75 for the day. There's only one price for the ticket. And then you have to line up so early. We didn't even get good. So I couldn't even see Marcus King the whole time because the neon cable knit sweater,

whatever the hell it was, was in front of me the whole time. Yeah. Yeah, the one in New York, that's the first time I saw Jazz, the one on, was it Bleaker Street? Yeah. That's like one of the original jazz clubs in New York. and yeah, I've seen a lot of good shows there. They played a Bob Marley cover.

They played. And like when you left, we all were saying in the car, we're like, take any of the hardest rock songs of all the bands we love and all. And if you put it in the hands of these monsters, I mean, it's just, you know, everyone knows. Like, the jazz guys are next level. Yeah, right. And they smoke a lot of weed.

They do. They do. Logo this week. It's a very cool. It's a mushroom cloud in the background as we're on a motorcycle. And the motorcycle says freedom of speech are First Amendments, which I thought was appropriate for this week. All right. Look at us. But it says First AD. I don't know what that means. That can't be somebody's name. So anyway, if it is you, text us so I can give you credit because that is really beautiful. It's very cool. Look at us. I have room for you on my bike, man. That's right. Song this week is from Inky Breath. Very cool. Definitely not AI. You can say that about that song. Sorry, Inky. I haven't heard it yet. Gregory didn't send it to me yet. Corrections. This one says, I was listening to an episode last night of Pardo interviews on which Allison was a guest. She brought up the topic of how much Mike said, it cost to have your name submitted for consideration for podcast award.

This is for the Golden Globes. They looked it up while on the show and the figure, and the figure was vastly different than what Mike said. I believe $500 versus his $50,000 was indicated. Probably you could verify with her. I just thought I'd bring it to your attention. Oh, I wonder. I have no idea.

I do know that the Globes, it's about, marketing efforts. So I think sometimes it's like, let's say you're Marty Supreme, the movie. So your A-24 is the producer. So they want to be considered. And I don't know if it's a buy, also buy ad time. Or I'm not sure.

But I didn't come up with the figure of $50,000. But that's what everyone was saying. and why like Rogan didn't pay it, Theo didn't pay it, we didn't pay it. Because this says I'm looking it up on AI. Submitting a project for Golden Globe consideration typically costs $250 for individuals and $500 for motion picture television

with an optional $5,000 fee for using their official screening platform. Additional marketing packages such as those for podcast categories can reach up to $75,000. So it's a marketing package. So I guess... They have the upper end potential of $75,000? Yeah.

All right. So I don't think someone made up this $50,000 figure, but obviously it's all degrees. But I wonder, yeah, I wonder if there's levels of consideration. I mean, a marketing package sounds like you get access to like a mailing list of the Golden Globe voters. So you're not going to win unless you go. in for the marketing package. But technically we could spend

500 and get it, you know, considered for nomination. Yeah, what's his name? I'm looking it up. We're doing this a little early in the morning, so I don't have my brain yet. But some people took out ads. Who's the podcaster? Who's a deplorable person who...

Pete Holmes? Just kidding. I love Pete Holmes. It's like the nicest guy. You mentioned the most likable guy. ever. Oh God. I'm sorry listeners. But he and he loves,

he loves musicals. Ben Shapiro. So Ben Shapiro apparently like campaigned for a nomination. Someone said they saw like a billboard because he wanted to do it so badly. And as writers, we wanted him to be in that room

so badly. We had such great jokes. Yeah. about him being a Golden Globe nominee. Then we got a minor one, but kind of epitomizes how you come up with Fitzfax. The flagstick is 12 feet tall. Come on, twice your height. Yeah, I guess it's probably closer to eight.

Eight. I think eight sounds about right. Yeah. We're talking about golf when we play. We play a bet where if your putt is further than the length of the flag stick, you win a dollar if you make the pot. And I want a bet where when you're like, that's, that's within a flag stick. Like if it's really borderline, I then want bets on that, that if you challenge the guy,

you have to pay him if you're wrong. After you measure it. No one likes my other bets that I add to it. Like closest to the pin. If no one's on the green, you should still do closest to the pin. You're a man hitting a ball. How close do you get it to the pin? even if it's on grass, it's a little taller than the green.

Who cares? You're closest. Derek Chamberlain said, all right, Hank Aaron was 86. He broke the color barrier in the 50s, so he probably was born in the 30s. So I got that right. While you were correct, Hank Aaron was born in the 30s, 1934, to be precise, it was Jackie Robinson that broke the color barrier. And it was in 1947 when he premiered for Brooklyn Dodgers. Hank Aaron started.

his career a short time later in 1956. I mean, you got to really think about what that was like in 1947 to walk onto a baseball field with, I mean, I don't think people can wrap around the context of

the racism around sports, around everything, but specifically to put a black player on the field and the fucking guts that took for Jackie Robinson. I mean, you can't understate that.

And under direct orders to eat it. Yep. Eat all of it because otherwise you're going to be vilified. Yep. Right. And then there's a great story. And if someone knows the exact story, please write in. There's a story where the guy called him the N-word or like really said incredibly

nasty things to him. Another baseball player? I think he might have been the first base. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, what's his name? On the opposing team. Yeah. If I were you, I wouldn't even try to get it.

I doubt you. But I do know, as the story goes, at his next step bat, Jackie Robinson bunted up the first baseline and ran through that man. Really? Keep in mind, he was a fullback for UCLA. Jackie Robinson was? Yes. Wow.

So he ran through the guy. I mean, that's like my favorite Jackie Robinson story. Tour dates coming up. I'll be in Austin, Texas tonight. Final show at the Mother's Ship. Sacramento Punchline, February 5th through the 7th. Philly Helium Comedy Club Valentine's weekend, February 13 through 15. Then I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky, Houston, Fort Worth, Janesville, Bakersfield, Escondido.

Go to Fitzdog.com. Get some tickets. Come out and say hi. Also, we want to mention Sunday Papers is sponsored by Kalshi, which is the largest prediction market in the U.S. I heard about this through our buddy Pete Scott. It's so much fun. You can literally go in and predict anything that you want. It's a trade.

There were predictions on the golden globes. You can do the golden globes. You can make a trade on the Super Bowl that's coming up. can do whether or not how much rain there's going to be in Los Angeles, whether or not Trump will mention a certain country during the state of the Union. And it's hilarious. And so I put a hundred bucks on Al-Carrs winning today against Versvie or whatever the guy's name is in the semis of the Australian Open. Now, it's not a good bet because I have to bet $100 to make $17.

But that's what I do. I chip away on the ones that I think are sure things for small wins, which sounds like probably your style. All right. So get this. We're at Penmar the other night. And we're why, I don't know why. Anyway, we're there.

And then, you know, they have a bunch of TVs. And on one TV is the Australian Open. And Sinner is playing. and I'm looking at center. I'm like, whoa, what's going? Is he hurt? And you see him kind of limping. He lost the first set.

And I'm smelling blood in the water. Well, there's Ribi. And I'm like, I predict that he's not going to win this. And he's fighting back. And it was a really tough second set. I go, but this means it's going at least four sets. And I go, I don't think he's going. And he was really, really hurting.

We predict it. We pull the. trigger. We are so excited. Now we're watching him. He wins the second set. Third set. Huge struggle again. And then he has to leave the stadium. And I'm like, predict more. Get on there. Get on there. Let's ramp it up. And we do. Well, never predict against the champion. Because that didn't go so well. But the opportunities were there. It was so much fun. And there's a whole community there. watching this match and weighing like the heart of a champion and will this guy pull it out somehow? What's cool about Calsh is you're not betting against the sports book. You're actually trading event

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Finally, and look at this, Mike. Look at us with three ads today. Look at us. Well, actually, let's hold off on this one so we're not doing three in a row. All right. Okay. Back to Jackie Robinson for one second. I looked him up because this is worth it.

Uh, boy, where did it go? Hold on. Hold on. I just had it and now I lost it. Jackie Robinson. Four varsity sports at UCLA, baseball was his worst. No kidding.

Wow. He set the UCLA record for yards per carry, 12.2 yards per attempt in 1939. No, no. Dude, it's insanity. Oh, man. All right. Anyway.

How do you lose against a team who's got a guy averaging 12 points of carry? He, hold on. How do you win? I mean. Right, exactly. Wait, let me find. Anyway, he also then had the national record in the high jump. He had the national, the longest punt return.

It was track and field basketball. Football and baseball. I mean insanity. He was the, he was the, the, the Caitlin Jenner of his day. I'm sure he is family in a state would appreciate that comparison. All right. Give me a crinkle. Let's get to the front page.

Oh, hold on. There we go. There we go. What do we got here? Huh? Let's do the FAFO story. Front page. We got the ROFA.

of FAFO parenting, Fafo. And is this the end of gentle child rearing? I don't like the name rearing after child. Oh. Last summer, a piece in the Wall Street Journal heralded the rise of Fafo parenting. And the end of gentle parenting. Fafo stands for FF around and find out. A video posted on TikTok went viral where the mom explained that she had thrown her daughter's

iPad out of the window when she had been misbehaving on the way to school. This is a car window the mom threw it out of, and she films herself retrieving the tablet now with a cracked screen. The video has been watched five million times, and the mom was congratulated in the comments. In another video, when a small child announces he is going to leave home, his mother says, see ya, shuts the door behind him and turns off the outside light. You could have left the light on. Yeah. Then opens the door to him screaming and pounding to be let back in. That's been watched two million times. He had learned, said his mother, the meaning of FAFO. So advocates of FAFO say it teaches their child independence and the consequences of their actions,

even those consequences are uncomfortable or at the extreme and harsh. Critics say it relies too heavily on fear and humiliation. Listen, it's better than how I was raised, which was F-Y-H-K, forget you have kids. It was, we were Lord of the Flies. Yeah, yeah. You were on the front porch, but you never got in in the first place. I wouldn't have pounded on the door like that kid. I knew my mom wasn't home. Yeah.

There was no one to let me in until I got a key in first grade. And dad was gone. Dad wasn't around. Exactly. Jesus, this explains a lot. You were the same way a little. Your parents had to get involved when they had to pick you up at the police station. Yep.

And, but they didn't pick me up from school. I went to school about 25 minutes away. And I used to hitchhike home from school or take the public. I would take a bus to a train to another bus. Yep. And it would take me about an hour and 45 minutes to get home. And they almost never, I can't remember four years than picking me up more than once or 12. I had to take two buses and I had a transfer in White Plains, which was not near my house.

That's where I transferred. Yeah. Now, do the parents wear bandanas over their faces and not let the kids videotape it while they're doing it? It's part of FAFO, buddy. Pepper spray them. This is a new, wait, this is a new thing because I thought using empathy and patience was the new thing. I mean, that hasn't been around that many years. There's a generation of brats.

I did. There was one paragraph I didn't put in here, which is, I think. Uh, anyway, that's run its course. And they're worried about these kids who have been absolutely coddled and how they're going to be. And, uh, is it a generation of brats? Yeah. Who've never heard no and all that. But listen, my thing was I used to love the FAFO.

I would try FAFO. Fafo massively backfires because when you're like, bring your coat, I don't want my coat. Well, just bring it. You know, and even the, just bring it. You don't have to wear it. No, no, no. I'm like, okay, great. And then they're freezing.

Guess whose time is ruined? Mine. Right. Well, I told you the story. I find out also. You know the story about Jojo swimming in the pool when she was about six? Stubbornly. Wouldn't get out, wouldn't get out.

I had to jump in and get her out. And then I made her walk to the car freezing, blue lips, trembling. She weighed about eight pounds. She was such a skinny kid. And I didn't give her a towel. And then we got to the car. She got in. in, I hand her to the towel, and she pushed it back at me and looked straight forward, still

trembling. And I was like, I am fucked. I have done that also. So I'm trying to, now, how, all right, I did that as a kid, that exact thing, where then my dad would feel and do it. And I'm like, too late. And what do you do? Because that, as you said, you're effed, that's a big crossroads to be at. Yep. And then we got in and then she went into her room and then about five minutes later I heard Hawaiian music. So I walked around the side of the house and I looked in her bedroom window and she had on a lay that she'd gotten from a party and a Hawaiian music CD that she got in for the party and she was hula dancing in her room. she probably had frostbite and was trying to mentally place herself below the equator or near it in Hawaii. I mean, what do you? Yeah, I think she was just celebrating a big victory.

Yeah, I don't know though, but like as the, like, I remember my dad said, and maybe he learned this too late, but he was in therapy coming out of the divorce and all that. But I remember his advice to me, he goes, remember to be the parent, you know, because I have definitely gone down to my kids level, kind of like you with Jojo there, a little bit, like tit for tat and you're both dug in. And I don't think my dad, my dad knew that advice. I don't think he ever followed it. Yeah. But remembering to be the parent, I don't know how you're the parent once it's that entrenched. I think you just have to own it. But then it's like you can't apologize for all of it.

The kid didn't come out of the center of the pool. Yeah, right. Well, you can say what you did was disrespectful and it's not acceptable. And how I handled it could have been a lot better than what I did. Now get the fuck in your room and turn off that Hawaiian music. I remember my dad. This is so typical. This says so much.

Maybe I was in high school or whatever. And he gave me this book that. came out called the three minute manager. That's what he gave me. So it was like a very, you know, pop culture thing, and it was a short book. And anyway, he gave it. Anyway, and it was very short, which was good. And the only thing I would read at that time was something very short.

Anyway, I remember once he, we got in an altercation. And I go, hey, dad, remember that book you gave me? And he's still angry. And he's like, yeah. And I go, you want to know one of the things? things it says in there, when you're disciplining someone or you're talking to someone, leave them thinking about what you said and not how you said it. And it stopped him in his tracks. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I think you regretted giving me that book. Yeah, yeah, right. I know.

My parents never should have given me the Bible because when I read them back some of the commandments, they were little protesters. They should have given you the number of the police department. Protests who showed up at several Zips bars in Phoenix to oppose raids by ICE said they were pepper sprayed by federal agents for unknown reasons. Videos posted to social media from the Zips on 32nd Street show agents pepper spraying protesters from the passenger seat of a truck as they drove away.

At the Zips on 64th Street, a video shows an agent walk up and spray demonstrators while another agent appeared to wave him down in an apparent de-escalation effort. Both incidents happened the evening of January 26th. Across the Valley state lawmakers said they were pepper sprayed without warning at the Zips in Tempe. And according to customers, this is the most seasoning used at a Zips in 20 years. Finally, some flavor. I think it's a thing now at this chain of bars. It's almost like you get the lime, the salt, your tequila,

and then the final thing is just spray right in the face. And you go out and they let your drink right outside, and you get sprayed in the face to finish it down. I mean, this is literally just like they've, the ice is just like teenage pranksters. They're like, it's like Halloween. Do they pants the protesters, steal their zips money? It's now a verb in Arizona.

Yo, let's go out. We're going to get zipped. Let's go get zipped, bro. Dude, you are so zipped right now. You don't look it's so good. I got zipped last night, man. I really tied on a zip. All right, here's another story is Josh the new Karen.

I'm liking the sound of it. Women have singled out Josh is the new most hated archetype on the internet, rivaling the infamous Karen. He's the man who insists he's just being honest while actually being cruel. If he's ever in an argument, he will threaten to pull up a study to prove his point, though he never actually will. And if he doesn't already have a podcast, he's thinking about starting one. Comments about Josh currently circulating on the internet include such slurs as

boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Is this second grade, Josh's? Girls go to Mars to shine like a star. All right, we'll skip that one. Josh goes to hell. And we are all, we are leaving all Josh's in 20. 25. Goodbye Josh. And this is my favorite one. And currently right now, it's no Josh January. Wow. It could be that Gen Z love poking fun at millennials as well as white people. And Josh is a popular name for a millennial man who is traditionally white. It sounds to me like this concept of Josh's was made up by young Karen's, if you ask me.

Yes. It sounds very Karen like. Yeah. Cairns is going to try. try to diffuse the hatred for Karen's bite. It really is cruel. That, you know, to be born a Karen now and it's the first thing

people bring up when they meet you. Right. Yeah. No. I mean, by the way, Josh means the kid, like I'm joshing you. They're not being cruel. They're being funny. It used to be probably the nicest connotation of a name.

Well, if Cairns did come up, it makes sense. Cairns hate all men except the manager. That's who they love talking to. They are obsessed with talking to him. I mean, they're hoping for a female manager, but let's be real. Karen's want to, I think Cairns are sexist. I think they're like, you're not the manager. Give me the man manager.

Yeah. I went to a restaurant last night with a couple people from the neighborhood at, you know, the place, Casa, whatever, on Rose by Lincoln. Yeah, of course. All right, so you go there. And it's just a great environment. It's this old Mexican, you know, kind of, it's cozy. It's a little down and dirty, but it's fun.

And the food is awful. You know that going in. Yeah. I thought I saw a new cabana. I thought I saw a new sign. Have they yuppied it up a little? No, no, no. I think just the sign Casa Cabana.

I think it's a little. Anyway, we had this waiter. Without a doubt, the worst waiter. I've had a lot of bad waiters, but this guy, he was like a Mexican guy with a shaved head whose feet never stopped moving. He came over to take our orders. It's like the parody of the Chinese waiter, you know, just, okay, what else? What else? What else?

Yeah. And he like missed one of our orders, missed a drink order. When he started handing out the food, he would lean across two other people to hand the plate. Like he was like three people had their backs to him. And he stood at the edge of one of them and leaned across the other two and went hot plate. So you had to take the plate in your hand. And then he knocks a giant glass of water over, lands in two people's laps. Not only does not say, I'm sorry, he finished serving the other person before he went over to try to start wiping it up.

then we get the bill and we pay it and we had a tip and then real and then he takes the money and then we realize oh the tip was included so not only was he the worst waiter ever he was trying to milk 40% out of us you guys did drink a lot of water oh my god geez and I was at dinner with a guy named Josh who's who was the first one to laugh about it and not call the manager over That Josh might be, if it's a Josh I know, might be one of the only Joshes in my life, I think. Josh Allen. I looked up famous Josh's, but there are not a lot of famous Joshes. How many Josh comedians are there?

Josh. There's one who opens up for Annie Letterman a lot. There's a big manager at Three Arts named Josh. Josh seems to be the least popular. popular name. Josh Gruber, Grubin, Josh Duomel, I had him on my podcast. Josh Gad from Broadway, but like,

there's not a lot of Josh's. Josh Brolin. Does Joshua Tree by the by you too? We're going there for my birthday. We're going to Joshua Tree. Hope there's not a bunch of assholes there. Wait, I've heard you have a million birthday plans. I can't keep them all straight. Well, all you, the only

when you actually if you want to come out to joshua tree with us we would love to have you be a part of it it's going to be my sister and husband her two kids who are amazing uh owen is flying out from new york jojo's coming out um i think that might be it but i think we have an extra bedroom so i'm putting it out to a couple close friends if you want to join us three days in the desert um the house has a pool table a ping pong table a cornhole thing a pool, a 12-person hot tub, a karaoke machine. I'm bringing mushrooms. It's going to be sick.

Sounds like a decathlon in the making of some sort of sports. Yes. Love it. And then the party will be April 4th. It's going to be a big party. It's for me and Aaron because we both are turning 60. All right. What do we got here?

I want to also talk about, look, there's a company called Quo, and it's a business phone system. And I think a lot about not missing opportunities. You know, you're in business. The easiest way to lose money is to miss calls. It's like money walking away. That's why today's podcast is brought to you by Quo, QUO. Smart a way to run your business communications.

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slash papers. That's quo. com slash papers quo. No missed calls. No missed customers. Maybe you should get that for Sunday papers. You and I get one phone number? Does it automatically email kuzis? Yes. That would be sweet. Let's get to the ethical question.

Okay. All right. I got a couple for you. Where are they? Here we go. Here we go. I let my wife have an affair. Do I have to console her now that it's over? And then the sub-headline

was, while she is grieving about it, I feel relieved. I think so. There's no revenge sweeter. I don't know. Because you know what it does? It shows you didn't care that much in the first place, which hurts

her. Because it sounds like the affair didn't work out. So now she's a double loser. Because if you're showing concern for her, she knows that you're over it too. The guy's over her and you're over her. And now she's truly alone.

It also probably smarts when you're grabbing a beer with the guy now. You guys are commiserating. Right, right. Yeah, you leave your phone on the counter. And an incoming call shows his name. wait, I clicked on it. I'm reading some details. She recently decided to break it off because the overall emotional burden for both of us was too great. Oh, okay, for both.

But while she is grieving about it, I feel relieved, even though I wish that I could have better coped with the situation I rationally and ethically consider okay. Anyway, yeah, I don't think you have to console her. Maybe a giant. I don't know. He probably feels validated, right? Well, can I ask you a personal question? I'd rather you not, but go ahead. In college, you had a girlfriend who cheated on you. Yeah. How did you treat her afterwards?

No, it was over. You just never talked to her again? Oh, no, we got closure and everything. But we were at the end. This is my, I had five years. So it was from 20 to 25. We knew we weren't getting married around it. And we didn't know how to end it. And she had a coworker who then was moving to L.A. the next morning.

And that's the night it happened. And I was suspecting it. So anyway, the mature me realized she had no idea. And she felt terrible, terrible. And then I immaturely felt great that I just was breaking it off and kind of punishing her. her. And so I really had the upper hand. That's like what felt good. But, you know, looking back on it, that that's not the way I wish I had handled it. But you guys stayed friends years later. I don't know if you did right away, but I remember you guys reconnecting at a certain point, right?

Yeah, just because I moved. She eventually moved to L.A. and then I did. Like, we didn't know where our lives were going. We're 25. But, no, but it was crushing to have. my suspicion because they were really good friends at work and then I knew he was moving. So yeah, no, that was, no, that was, I was not mature enough to handle it in any other way except be like, fuck this and it's over. Well, I don't think Aaron, which it had to end also. I don't know if Aaron's ever had an affair, but I mean, God bless her if she did. I'm gone so much just to take a lover on a Saturday afternoon and just leave it at that.

Yeah, I did not have the healthy enough ego to contemplate anything except being massively hurt. We're going to make America, Florida. Make America, Florida, y'all. All right. And Oviedo. I don't know how to say that. Man was arrested this week after he was caught engaging in a sexual performance with a vacuum cleaner. A performance.

That sounds like, wow. all it was happening, he had his hands in the air conducting, you know? Yeah, he has two shows a day. In a release, deputies said they responded to his street in Kissimmee is in Kissimmee's Windsor Hills Resort. Wait a minute. Can I just stop you on that? Yeah. One of the first jokes I ever did on stage was these two guys are driving through Florida.

And one of them says, I love it. in Kissimmee and his friend goes, no, it's Kissimmee. And he goes, no, it's Kissimme. And he goes, no, it's Kissimme. And so he goes, all right, well, let's pull into this fast food restaurant and ask them what it is. They go to the drive-thru. They pull up to the window. And the guy says, will you please tell my friend very slowly where we are? And the cashier goes, Burger King. Sammy has a Burger King. Got it. Anyway, the police arrived after receiving reports of a man

exposing his genital organs in front of a residence. The victims that observed his behavior provided a statement and a cell phone recording of a male partially clothed in front of a residence engaged in a sexual performance. They will not let go of that phrase. First of all, he's in front of him. somebody's house. How long is the extension cord on this vacuum cleaner? Maybe it's,

oh, maybe it's a portable. Also, the two words following a sexual performance with a vacuum cleaner is the release reads. Apparently, a complaint had been reported just a day prior. This guy does a lot of vacuuming. Apparently, a complaint had been reported just a day prior about a man who've been walking in a shared hallway space while nude investigators revealed, video of the incident captured on a ring camera was given to the responding deputy and this is why I don't have a ring camera. That's right. Well, I know I know which tasks just jumped up to the top of my honey-do list.

I got it, honey. Yeah, exactly. And depending on whether you shaved your pubic hair, you said it's a carpet or hardwood. Right. Yeah, exactly. And you got to remember to clean the lint and the pubic hair out of the filter and the come out of the hose. Wait a minute. That one wasn't necessary.

H-O-E-S? All right. Here we go. Now, I tried something different. So here we're going to make America Philly again. Okay. All right. So what I do is I occasionally go into Google News and I search for Florida Man, just those two words.

So I put in Philly Man. And I'm like, let me get some. Everyone knows my beef with Philly, right? Let me get into Philly Man. Uh-oh. Where did Philly Man go? Hold on now. Oh, hold on.

Marcus King. Oh, shit, man, I lost. All right, let me do it again. It is horrible. The Philly Man, I can't do the story because they're all so terrible. and I'm not even joking. Hold on. Where did it go? Sorry about this. Stay with me, everybody. How about Santa Monica, man, right now? Trying to read a story. I know. I had it open. I lost it when I was probably looking up.

I'll just mention to people in the meantime. I got some great interviews on Fitzdog Radio this month. I just had Ian Bagg was on. Jay Moore was on. I got 3.3 million views on my Jay Moore Oh, nice. All right, here we go. You ready? Philly man. Okay, first one. Multiple shooting in North Philly.

Man pulls gun on gas station. Four men shot in North Philly. One victim dead. North Philadelphia shooting. Man killed in quadruple shooting inside Philly home. Drugs, guns found in Philly. All right. Gunman, pistol whip man outside

Southwest Philly home. Drugs and guns. Gunman steals bikes. to commit, anyway, suspect arrested following fatal shooting. Stolen bike fatally shoots man. Shooter kills man, Southwest. By way, I'm reading all of them. There isn't one that's light, like, no one's having sex with a vacuum in Philly.

Yeah. And they might be, but it can't even make the front page. The pistol whip again. Here we go. Man charged with the R word, abduction of teen girls. Jump from window to escape police, shot someone. wait, now there's tow truck driver killed. Is this all in one day?

Well, it's all in one run. These are the first results. Shot in leg. Hold on. There was a funny one down here. By the way, I'll be in Philly, Valentine's Day weekend. Get a date and come on out to Helium Comedy Club. Where are the Greg Fitzsimmons pin and you get in for free?

All right. Then I thought I found. argument in west philly beer store i'm like i'm listening this sounds like a florida man story leads to a man and woman shot man struck and dragged for blocks in deadly southwest philly crash gunfight outside north philly after hours clubs leaves one man hurt um okay it's the city of brotherly love right so that gets in here man kills brother during fight over money in philly shopping center Jesus. Is it the number one homicide city, Philly? I doubt it. It's up there. It's top three if it's not number one.

So anyway, so I spent too much time. I think Chicago might be number one. I think Chicago was pretty far up there. But it's all these, how do you view it? Is it per capita and all that stuff? So I spent a lot of time on that and I cannot do Philly Man. Sorry. I'll find someone else next week. Listen to this. Number one is. is actually New Orleans. Oh, man, New Orleans is shady. Again, see that documentary, the pharmacist.

It's so good. And they talk about crime. Philly's top seven or eight. But, no, New Orleans, Memphis, St. Louis, Baltimore. These are literally the poorest cities we're talking about. Of course. St. Louis isn't poor, but it's got East St. Louis, which is a really poor area.

Do we have time to go to sports at Belichick? Or you just want me to do this one funny joke I found? Let me do this other story real quick. What in sports? Yeah. Sports. Here we go, sports. Haley Bailey has asked for her ex-husband, Mark Khali's lawsuit against her for comments

she made about the size of his penis to be dismissed. They got divorced due to irreconcilable differences. She discussed mentioning the size of his penis. It was so large. It made sex particularly difficult, and it was the biggest factor in the divorce. Kaylee has since launched a lawsuit seeking $75,000, claiming his ex-wife made degrading and deeply personal comments, which has resulted in unwanted attention and invasive commentary from the public.

If my ex-wife put that rumor out, I'd be paying her $75,000. I think he's doing a lawsuit just to keep it a lot. Yes. We're talking about his penis. Meanwhile, she's had trouble dating because other men keep getting lost in her cavernous vagina. Just sucked in. Yeah. All right.

We're in sports. Here goes Belichick. One funny thing. Belichick was passed over and it's been a big news story. The Hall of Fame. Yeah. And what I love is how apolitical, like people, listen, Belichick's not well liked, but seemingly everyone is like, what are you talking about?

He's not first ballot, a Hall of Fame. But here was a funny meme I found, which said Bill Pelich- Super Bowl ranks. Eight or nine, by the way. No, six. That's impossible. Oh, no, you're right. It's eight.

You're right. It's eight. I think it might be nine. No, it's eight. Okay. You sound very confident. No, I'm looking at the story. I wrote the story down.

And Jerry Rice was saying to Rich Eisen, how can he have eight Super Bowl championships? As a head coach and assistant, he wasn't a head coach for all eight. I know. Bill Belichick waited 49 years for his girlfriend to be born. He can wait one more year to get into the whole thing. To be born.

That definitely takes the sting out and not get in the ring. I'd say, look at that. Yeah. All right. What are we going down to this day in history? Let's get down to this day in history. Here we go. By the way, someday we are going to do an entire episode on international and science and tech

because that's the last two categories and we never get to them because we're running into time issues on the show. So we jump down to. So we have all these stories built up in those categories. We're going to do a whole episode on just those. All right. We're up against it now. You ready?

So, Edgar Allen posed a raven first appears in print on this day. Speaking of Philly, isn't he a Philly man? He might be. No, Baltimore. Oh, you're right. It's Baltimore. I knew it was a hurting city. All right.

What year did the Raven first appear in print give or take 40 years? Jesus. I'm going to say, 1870. You did it, sir. 1845. Nice. You did it.

Oprah Winfrey was born on this day in what year? Give or take five years. 1951. You did it, sir. 54. Okay. You don't seem pleased, normally very pleased. Well, I just, these are easy.

These are really easy. The British film, Dr. Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb, a landmark cold war farce directed by Kubrick, was released in theaters on this day, in what year, give or take four years? 1975. 64, I knew I'd catch you. No way. Really? That early, that close to the war.

Let's see here. All right, last question. The Beatles performed together for the last time on the roof in the 42-minute set on the roof of Apple Corp headquarters in London. And it was in the documentary, let it be. Give or take one year. What year was the rooftop concert? 1970. D.

1969. Nice. Nice fucking week for me. I mean, he should have gotten that. Come on. All right. That wraps it up and then where are we off to now? Let's do some letters to the editor.

John in Utah says, I'm a long time listener. Love the show. Saw you and Mike on Bert's Pod this week. Oh, yeah. We should give a shout out to that. Oh, yeah. What's it called?

Something's cooking. Something's cooking? Something's cooking. Cooking. Cooking. What's burning or is it what's burning? Burning? Something's burning.

Something's burning. I love seeing your banter together in the same room. Here's an idea with your sixth anniversary around the corner. What? What about the two of you in the same room for an episode would be a wonderful treat for the audience? You know, I have the studio on South Robertson. Where do I have to go for that? I have to bring all these coats.

jackets. We could do a live one. We could do it live. You know what we could do is like a three o'clock show in the belly room at the store. Oh, wow. And bring a guest on stage. Didn't we do that once before? We did a live one, I think.

And Maria Bamford, maybe. Was it on La Brea or something like that? Okay. And then Kevin Sweeney from Philadelphia. I was listening to your podcast today while shoveling snow. He actually wrote shoving snow. And where the part that Mike started... That's probably what they do in Philly.

They shove snow and scream at it. Mike starts ragging on Philadelphia calling us animals. I couldn't help but feel a sense of pride. The history is for 350 years that people don't give a flying F. Anyway, I had a good laugh. Kept me working outside for another hour. I hope to see you next month. Of course he was outside for an hour.

He's probably pissing all over the snow. He is an animal. Kevin's an animal too. This one came from K2. And this is he gets an email every day called A Thought for the Day, which is like a positive thought. Quote, don't read this. I'm going to read it. You tell me who said it.

I already read it. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be. be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. Said by none other than Ellen Josh DeGeneres, comedian TV host. Yep. Well, do what she says, I guess, and not what she does. Yeah, well, she's moving back to the country. We missed her. Welcome back. Is she moving back? That's the rumor, yeah. She can't commit to anything, man. All right. We're off to the fonies. Let's do the funnies.

All right. Every week we do a thing called the comedy caption contest. I give you one frame of a comic. You write a punchline. You send it to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We correlate a handful as finalists. We pick a winner. That person gets a coozy sent to them at some point in time.

Now, we ask that you put your name directly under your punchline and we'll go from there. Last week, we had a comic of two men in jacket and ties. They're sitting at a restaurant with their food in front of them. And then there is a kid. And I say kid, but he seems to have sort of like a weird balding hair pattern. Now, he's an older person, I think. All right. So he's got his finger in his nose and he's got an ice cream sundae in front of him.

And the two men are talking to each other. Matt from Peoria said, you can't pick your family. All right Albert Carrotto said If you think last night was wild Imagine what he will let us do If we pay him with money I just want to let us

Oh, that's dark I think That's dark Ron said This is what I get for banging a dancer From Jumbo's clown room Ron got the reference in there Anyways Never meet your heroes

Pat McDermott said What does that mean? Is that the guy's hero or did he have sex and this is the offspring of the hero he met? That's not what he intended. No, I think he's saying this guy was the hero. Yeah, all right. Chris said, is that really the guy who wrote Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons?

Not bad, not bad. Jim Curran said he's celebrating. He just got accepted into ice. All right. Mike Nestor said it's Eric's turn to sit on Daddy's Cabinet meeting. Sit in on Daddy's Cabinet meeting. So that's Eric Trump? I don't know.

No, I'm not going to say. I don't want to be put on a list. Oh, man. By the way, the ice thing, I just saw a thing come out instantly. The $50,000 bonus. Man, do you know the fine print about that $50,000 bonus? Do you get it in Trump, Bitcoin? If I can believe what I heard, I'm not saying it's true.

No one is getting that $50,000 bonus. And if you don't get it, I think anything you've paid, you have to pay. back. Really? I think it's nine or a... You have to average like nine abductions. I'm going to call them abductions a day. Something like that.

Whatever it is. It's more than a few. And then it's staggered, like, you know, months into years. It's over years. And if you don't make it the full time, that's when I think you have to pay it back. It's like a payday loan is what the person was saying. Nice. I know.

All right, let's get down to... Well, we're not picking... There's no winner this week, right? No, let's pick a winner. Oh, out of these? Well, I guess Chris with your Mrs. Fitzsimmons. All right. There you go, Chris.

You earned your way by making an inside reference. Now, people don't take that as a green light to make all references about the show. They're cute, but in a restrained way. Just Greg. Next week's comic is a gentleman in the bathroom looking in the mirror. He is bald. He's got the, what do they call the trimmer on the sides? Like a halo effect almost.

I don't know what that is. He is staring at himself, not happy, and he has a brush in his hand, a hairbrush. Yes. So do with that. Looks rather glum, yeah. Hag of the Horrible is outside of a castle with Lucky and another Marijuana. They've got their swords up. And he says to the king who's in the balcony, you have more money than you need.

And the king says, define what I need. And Hager goes, 100 pounds of gold to make us go away. And obviously the queen is, it's just a given. You don't, it's, that's the fine print. Right. And your wife for, what, two days? How long do the Vikings go out of King's wife? How long as the queen get?

Two days? What, two days in possession of the marauders? Yes. Sure. Yeah. That was a brief one. Normally there's a little more to a haggar. Yeah, it wasn't a great one.

It was a bad week for the cartoons. I literally, the Lockhorns, Benny hosts, I don't know what's going on with her, but this week, not a single, oh for six. on the comic strips this week from Bunny. Onion had some good ones. Here's one. Manslaughter honked at. That's the extent of America up in arms.

Mansler honked at. Here's another one because you and I were talking about how challenging sleep is lately. This one is man unrecognizable after full eight hours of sleep. I think that speaks to so many people right now. And then something else, it's not a cartoon, but someone posted, this I guess is neither here nor there, but except that it's right in front of my face. They posted a Craigslist, Craig's ad, Craigslist listing that if you go to see the Melania documentary at any Boston theater, you will get a free ticket and you will be paid $50. But you have to remain in your seat for the entirety of the film. I don't know if someone made it up or they screen grabbed the listing.

I don't know if it's real. I don't think that's real. Pretty funny. I do know that there is anecdotal evidence that the theaters have been empty. We'll see what the box office looks like at the end of the weekend. Blondie's in bed with Dagwood. He's got on flannel donut pajamas. on the other hand, has on a

navy blue frilly lingerie off the shoulder. And somehow, and you see how firm her breasts are because she doesn't have a bra on and they are still presenting. The artist spent time on them. She is reading a

magazine and she goes, Survey, if your wife gives you a pass to dine with a famous actress, whom would you choose from this list? He says, oh no, This is just another lose-lose situation. I'm opting out of this trap. Now, she leans over to his side of the bed, which she doesn't come to that often.

And she gives him a big kiss. And as she does, the lacy strap falls further down almost to her elbow. And she goes, oh, honey, calm down. It's just a fun little game. And he goes, well, it could cause big trouble. And now she rolls her back to him, which is the way she sleeps, understandably. And he says, by the way, is Sidney Sweeney on the list? Well, I mean.

I mean, do you want to put a picture of Sydney next to a picture of blondie? You fucking, I mean, does he not see her? Is it one of those like Madonna horror complexes where you're married to a woman and so you're no longer able to touch her, especially once you've had children? He just doesn't see her anymore. I know, it's sad. This reminds me, and I know I've said it before, and I'm pretty sure it's Norm McDonald, his great joke on the hall passes.

And he goes, my wife and I talked about it. And mine was like Christy Brinkley. And my wife's was our gardener and his son. That's the genius of Norm is he went for two. I know. Not only is it, it would have been a funny joke on its own with the gardener. Right. Exactly.

Awesome. All right. Well, listen, folks, thanks for listening to the show. Our love to Gotham podcast, who is producing the show now and editing it and cutting up tons of clips with people seem to appreciate. Also, we want to thank calshy.com slash papers. You're going to get a $10 bonus when you sign up to do that. Fabric by Gerber Life.

com slash papers. and also the, I'm cutting down to, and quo, QUO.com slash papers, get 20% off your first six months when you go there. All right. Mike, anything you want to promote? Not really. All those jazz guys, man.

Go back up to the top and list it. Get those names. All right. They're amazing. Also, I'm going to be on the Joe Rogan experience. I'm taping it tomorrow. It goes up next week. and then I'm taping Kill Tony on Monday.

That'll go up by probably two or three weeks after that. Nice. Yeah. All right. Talk to you later. Take itish. Take itish. Bye.

Sunday morning, I'm trying to find something to do. It doesn't matter if the news is old or if it's new. Sunday morning, I think I found something to do. Chit Jack, on page international. United States is so passionate. Science is the only thing that's rational. Wind it down with a word on a fecality. Play a game of data name with our reality.

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