Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 30 9/27/20

Episode Date: September 27, 2020

This week: all the biggest headlines: Refurbished Vietnamese condoms and new 9-11 conspiracy theories.

We got grapefruit zippin siblings on the microphone Mike Gibbons chillin', he's home alone They use casual facts when they make a point Greg watches massage porn, smokes a joint Mike stole a car, now he's got it made But Fitz isn't proud, on his bidet Now they're both chillin' up in the shade Readin' funny papers every Sunday

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Sunday papers Sunday papers Record all about it! Read all about it! Oh, there he is! Little energy from Gibbons! It's the Sunday papers, baby. Only you get to do that?

Well, I've got the cap on. I am feeling up, but I'm also, I woke up in a shit, shit mood and tired. Have you been tired lately? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is it the fire? Is it the typical allergies? I deny that I have any allergies so i meanwhile i snore whatever

so i thought of you doing the you just got a jump start like when you walked into a party with your hands up or whatever it is right or people that take a cold plunge yep and um or before i have sex i I usually wrestle my wife. Right. Which brings her way down, but, but you get up, which is great. And the kids think it's weird. They, when they watch. Yeah. We had a very open floor plan at our house. Another wrestling event. There's still under the impression it's wrestling. It is really hard to have sex with the fucking kids around all i mean owen's gone but jojo's like she is so into

being safe because she works at a daycare that she doesn't she doesn't interact a lot although i think our daughters were together last night weren't they i I don't think. That's interesting. That's interesting. Did we just find a lie? Oh, yeah. I watched TV. I watched actually a funny documentary with my daughters last night that's way above them. Did you ever see Too Funny to Fail, the documentary on the Dana Carvey show? Yes. Amazing. It's so, the reason I, they tolerated it is just because especially Steve Carell is figured prominently

and is one of the writers and then Colbert also. But anyway. And Louis C.K. and Bob, Bob Odenkirk. No, Odenkirk wasn't part of that tribe.

He might've helped out a little. I think he did. Oh, and then Charles, Charlie Kauf no. And then, uh, Charles, Charlie Kaufman, Charlie Kaufman, who wanted an Oscar later,

Dino, Dino Stamatopoulos. Yup. I mean, it's, it's, it's insane. It's a great documentary.

It's free on Hulu. I think it's free on Hulu and, uh, it's on Hulu. Yeah. And, uh, definitely worth watching.

Anyway, you should find out where your daughter was. She wasn't here watching the documentary with us. She said she was with Sophie at the surf coach's house because it was her daughter's first birthday. That is correct, sir. Sophie was there until and came home around 8. Yeah. I thought you were talking about a rave until 2.

That's our daughters. I just had a funny thought. Maybe it's because I've had two coffees. I spilled a coffee here in my closet, and I think I should do it more because it's right next to the hamper. What smells better than that? It's a delicious coffee.

Right. That's why when you ship cocaine to somebody, you put a little coffee grounds in there because it throws off the scent. A little tip for the listeners. So this will turn off a lot of people, but I thought it was such an absurd thought. So my daughter Olivia is cooking in the kitchen and I was walking by to the fridge and all that. And I kind of was in a playful mood, like, hey, what's up? And of course the, hey, you know, what's up leads to when you smack a guy in his dick. You know, like you walk by, you're just like, dink.

And I thought, it would be so fucking funny to do that to your daughter. Like, all right. So for the record, I didn't do it. But if I saw a fucking dad that snap like that fucking put it like like let's say it was in an airport i would fucking be on the floor dying laughing yeah like a mortified day move just like just like your friend would just to avoid it um well you know josh golden's son he josh would drop him off at school every day, and then the son would walk about 10 steps away and then scream back to the car, see you later, fucker.

The son would? Yeah. You know, it was a joke. It was like their running joke. Right at the most fragile age, like I think it was maybe eighth grade or something, I would drop Sophie off. And then this is when I did it, when she was like, can you drop me off a little further away, like from the drop off thing? And I'm like, absolutely,

honey. I totally get it. I remember that age and like, yeah, I'll drop you off here. But I was still in the circle. So I would drive up. So then when I did catch up to her, I'd honk and be like, you know, just say the most embarrassing things and then be like, pound side, cool dad. Like. And the thing is, is like, that's such a sitcom dad move, but you got to do it. It's a rite of passage for the kid. Oh no. Oh my God. I would just unload.

Are you kidding me? Call home if the rash comes up again, I'll pick you up. Don't kiss anybody. Just me. I'm the only one you kiss, honey. Alright, what do we got? We got a lot. Holy shit. First of all, we got football season.

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Today's song was pretty cool, wasn't it? That was great. It was like Beck meets Chili Peppers. That was my original take on it. Yeah, and DC, I think, gave us a song once before, so shout out to him. Also, Benjamin Glazer made this really beautiful logo for us this week. It's one of the more artistic ones I've seen. That's pretty straightforward good.

Yeah. I mean, if we were ever to lock in on one logo, this might be it. Can you make your own stamps? Does that exist? I bet it's really close. Yeah. And you can make your own money. I mean, there's a lot of things you can do now with these 3D printers. No, but that looks like a cool stamp. But could like a grandchild send a letter to grandma and it's her face or it's her graduation photo? That would be a good idea. I think you could do it like with Easter seals where you like throw the extra stamp on the envelope. But I don't think you can do it for the actual postage.

I don't know why I give away all my best ideas, but okay. What else you got? Any other ideas lately? I was working on this garlic scented mouthwash. It hit a wall right away though. Well, during COVID, it's a good idea. Keep people the fuck away from you. Yeah, that is a good point. Just keep it in that mask right there. I think if you use garlic flavored mouthwash and stick a banana in your jeans just to make it look like you've got a dick, you're going to keep everybody away from you. All right, here are some ideas I used to, like whatever, in the writer's room, you just want to avoid work, so you shoot the shit in the morning.

I remember one I used to talk about when Tyson retired. I was like, listen, this is it, pay-per-view, incredibly illegal. You'd have to hack into some, but it would be like off the coast somewhere in Asia, Mike Tyson versus a grizzly bear. But the grizzly bear has a muzzle on and like mittens or something. Or, and then I went to a great white shark apparently. And I was half kidding, but I was also like just a dollar, a dollar a person. And he'd make what? 30 million, 40 million. Anyway also like, just a dollar, a dollar a person, and he'd make, what, 30 million, 40 million? Anyway, who wouldn't pay a dollar to see Mike Tyson in a cage with a grizzly bear? So, and of course, the funny thing is everyone would think it would be mean animals, not including Tyson.

So, but I guess Tyson just fought a shark? Did he, on Shark Week? No, really? I am not making that up. I think I saw that headline somewhere. I'm not kidding. Did he bite his fin off? I know.

The other idea I had was people are putting so much apparatus on, like, to sleep. I mean, they need a sound machine. They need an eye mask. The apnea machine. An apnea machine. And I'm like, we should develop a sleep helmet. It's not sexy. I get it. Also, people are putting things in their teeth now, like Invisalign, maybe that's part of it. Or like to stop snoring, whatever projects the jaw, whatever. But a sleep helmet. You could also put like ocean wave noises inside of it.

You could put like ocean wave noises inside of it. It's not bad with an alarm. Dude, when I go to sleep, it is, I call it a mini suicide because I put on an eye mask. I put in earplugs and I listen to audio books. I have the mouth guard. I put a pillow on top of my head. I put a pillow between my legs. There's a lot of prep work that goes into it. All while wrestling Erin in front of the kids. First, I throw a move on her, which is really

just more like, it's like a dog that's been fixed dry humping your leg. He doesn't mean it. It just kind of feels reassuring and familiar. Well, that reminds me me i thought i had a funny joke i wrote it down somewhere of course which means i'll never see it again but i thought uh it would be like hey did you guys have sex last night like it was like hey how'd it go last night i'm like a lot of dry humping it's like oh i'm sorry i'm like no no that we had intercourse. I don't get it. She's pretty dry. It would be your intercourse is dry humping. Never mind.

Maybe I won't find that napkin it's written on. Have you seen the wet ass pussy video? Yes, I have. Unbelievable. I fucking love it. It's so funny. Yeah. yeah my girls loved it which is disturbing yes that is disturbing and it is like you know i just love that there's a lot of strong black females that are calling that this is like a like a feminist anthem for them that they think it's

powerful because like men usually sing this way and now women are, but it's like, no, it's just some nasty pussy shit. Yeah. I had two problems. Well, one is, I mean, you know, you idolize, especially when you're young and impressionable, you know, we wanted to be just as cool as insert, whatever, especially black artists and black athletes, like when we were young. And so now my daughters just want bigger asses and wet pussies. I don't know if that's a great thing. No, but I did listen to the song, and my girls defended it, saying exactly what you just said.

I'm like, because of how boastful male rappers are and i was like in like it doesn't quite add up because male the males are doing two things they're stupidly bragging and boasting like crazy but they're also bragging about their acumen of making money and a lot of them are like how rich they are look at the car on this and none of it is i'm i'm taking this woman's money that's how i have all this stuff like i need someone else to be like this and like and this was and i know i'm overthinking and spoiling it's just about wet pussy let's face it it's great but it's but there is a i you know i'll fuck him for student loans i'll fuck him to get my car paid, whatever it is.

And my pussy's the size of a three-car garage, I think is one of the lines. Well, that, that I won't criticize. That's, that comes with the territory. Well, the guy's got to park his Ferrari somewhere when he's dropping by to give you your fucking rent money. I wish they had just added a layer of, cause they are, they're fucking killing it. They're, they're great business women. I just wish they had added kind of that. Can we, speaking of music, can we talk about the unbelievable job that David Chamberlain, who's done some of our songs for us, he took you last week week it was a joke of you making fun of Van Morrison,

who is an anti-masker. And so you kind of riffed this little parody of Brown Eyed Girl. And then David Chamberlain got into his studio. Well, just listen to it, and then we'll talk about it a little bit. Here's Gibbs doing Brown Eyed Girl. Hey, hey, hey Spreading and infecting Our hospital ventilator With our hearts a-stopping

And you The 5G girl The 5G girl So no, that was kind of funny. How fucking insane was that? I don't believe anything anymore because if you can make me, I didn't, listen, I can attempt to sing and it wouldn't be good. Hey, where did we go?

I didn't even do that. Yeah. I was like, hey, where did we go? Yeah. Right. He, well, I. That sounded like I wouldn't throw my headphones into you know the toilet now i emailed him and i said how the fuck did you do that because i heard you sing it and it wasn't

like that and he said i had to slow it down it involves splitting it up into phrases and moving them into the right places for using musical timing then i had to make it into the right melody which i guess is uh auto tuning he was close to the key of e the actual song is higher and in g so i feel like i didn't know that so i stayed in e and fucked around with moving pitches using my normal audio pitch correction software. I then added cheesy Casio drums, ukulele, guitar, and bass. I mean. Why don't we do a challenge for him? I just thought of this.

Yeah. And she's buying a stairway to heaven. And I. Good luck with that. Will always love you. I-E-I-E-I. Will always love you. I-E-I-E-I will always love you. What ass pussy. Don't do that one because that's kind of how they say it.

Corrections. Let's do our corrections, Mike. We're not always perfect. We try, but we have ADHD and we're Irish, so the facts are going to get a little fast and loose. Irish for it, okay. This is, I'm so excited to be part of a correction. The podcast about Action Park, a place I went to in my youth

and every time I visited it, was guaranteed to see someone bleeding from their head. Everything was true except your someone bleeding from their head everything was true except uh your hilarious reaction to their advertisement was actually the advertisement for raceway park where the announcer screamed in a weird high-pitched voice oh raceway park i thought it was action park a lot of people sent that in along with the actual video. Did we do this correction? Nope. Okay.

Oh, that's a good answer. But by the way, apparently that's available on YouTube. If I have already done this correction. Did they send a link? I think I recall. Yeah. Where it's on YouTube. Right.

Oh, yeah. I think we did. i'd like to see side by side of you what you just did with that maybe someone can do that for us also i extended my tax return if someone could do my taxes that would be great i'm kidding actually people would write an offer their professional services i need a personal trainer. Did we do the one about apartheid? Yes. I think we did that. No, that's what set me off on Anthony last week. That's right. By the way, Anthony, love you. You teed it up perfectly. It was all in good fun. Some people thought I was being mean, but it was really humor was the goal so uh that was our uh our video on instagram this week was you fucking attacking this poor guy oh stop it uh this guy uh andrew naitupski said um

this week mike confidently exclaimed that the apple watch will detect a heart attack and even call paramedics when detected. Mike is confusing two different features. Apple goes to great lengths to tell you that the watch will never detect a heart attack. What he's confusing is an electrocardiogram app you can manually run to detect irregular heartbeat rhythm. It cannot detect a heart attack. Fall detection, which can call emergency services after detecting a hard fall, typically used for elderly people, lifestyle alert. Remember that? Yeah, he's talking, obviously I hacked my watch.

Yeah, if you're going to get the consumer model, yeah, whatever. You're going to fucking die. Right. You got to hack that shit. Right. It calls a private ambulance company. I got it all hooked up. Mine tells me when I'm going to orgasm.

Really? I should really put it on my wife because she's the one that's more interested in it than I am. Oh, I was going to say it tells you you're going to orgasm because it senses your wrist firing back and forth like crazy. say it tells you you're going to orgasm because it senses your wrist firing back and forth like crazy. It's the most simple feature on an Apple Watch ever. Right. How many steps? How many flights of stairs? And how many jacks? Right. Either the salad dressing is properly shaken up or you're about to blow a hot, thick one. I was wondering, by the way, does that throw off your step count? Like, really? 18,000 steps today.

You didn't leave the house. And you burned 20,000 calories in such a short walk. And three heart attacks. And you lost two ounces of weight. This one comes from Claire Barnaby Smith. You guys might actually want to do some fact-checking again before announcing that Sweden got it so badly wrong with their herd immunity approach.

Whilst, she writes whilst, most of Europe has cases rising completely out of control sweden's cases are not in the same state and then i wrote back to her because i'm a fucking asshole i go sweden and switzerland are two different places seriously and then it got nasty then no she wrote me another one i I should have written it down, but it was like, it was, it was, she's not in on the joke that is Sunday papers. Well, listen, this poor woman, listen, it's a correction and she's right that it's a complicated issue, but I hope she's not simply pointing to Sweden as an example

that they did it like better than we did because that's very, and Fauci actually got an argument this week. Did you see that on the floor? And there's some, first of all, Sweden to compare it to America is apples and oranges. If you compare it to other countries in that region, Sweden actually fares worse. And by the way, but this is the most important part, Sweden had way more societal curbs, I guess you would call it. It wasn't a lockdown, but all the kids were pulled out of school. People are making it seem like Sweden just went about it. And by the way, for a fact, their goal was not herd immunity.

It wasn't that at all. But they had like no restrictions. Huh? They had like no restrictions. No, that's the misconception. They had tons. They had limitations on gatherings. All the kids were mandatorily pulled out of school. They had way more restrictions than people think. Nursing homes shut down, like, you know, like absolutely closed off. There was, I don't have them in front of me. Sweden had way more protocols than you think. What they didn't do was force businesses to close down. That's probably her point. I totally get that, but they're not doing well. And there's so many other factors, like the average amount of people in a household there is like 2.8 compared to like 3.8 here like there's really big other big issues plus and plus and hitler let's just say this up front bad guy but these people are the master race they're tall they're blonde they're

blue-eyed they're stronger okay um yeah i'll just say that yeah the constitution is probably me hanging that was a fucking premise that you were supposed to make funny so i didn't look like a racist and instead you fucking you let me drop like a guy stage diving at a fucking sound garden concert you just stepped away and you let me hit the ground no g, Greg has a good point for Greg. Um, and, uh, listen, what, if I've learned anything on this podcast, it's not to correct racist. That's right. Uh, let's get into, uh, oh God, this is, we've got this very cool company that has, they started out wanting one ad. This is their third because people are very excited about their company. Really?

Yes, TXMQ. That's not a fake really, by the way, listeners. I did not know this. Yeah, this is our third week in a row with them. And as you know, we solicit ads from you guys because we feel like we're all part of a group now. This is a cult um these guys uh i think they got a crush on us if you have a business you've got software no matter what you do i mean we use it whatever your business unless you're a genius you're

going to need somebody to help you with support with integration using different systems uh maybe you want to move everything to the cloud. TXMQ has been doing this software stuff for 40 years, which means before there was the internet, they were doing this. They can help you design the perfect system, integrate your different systems, or find technical staff that you may need to help you out.

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T as in tax, X as in ax, M as in- Also, let's talk about- And the nice thing with these ads is that people give us free samples and let me tell you something about how fucking lucky i am about this one there's a company here called croval and they are out of they do this like crafts people in portland maine and you know stop with the ikea shit everybody. Take a little more effort and buy some furniture for your house

that's going to be a talking piece, that's going to be something that's going to last forever, that's going to make you feel good having it in your home for literally the same money as you would pay at Ikea. Kroval makes these mostly, they mostly are, they live on the wall. They are, I forget what you call that. Suspended? Floating furniture.

Floating. So it's like tables, it's shelves, it's desks that go onto the wall. I mounted it myself. It took me about 20 minutes. And it's all like, there's no visible mounting hardware the grain of the wood wraps around the tops and the sides and it's uh it's like mid-century modern kind of look not that

i know a lot about furniture but then these guys these guys are listeners right and all of a sudden they they heard our call out they heard it they show. And they said, as a matter of fact, they build most of their tables while listening to us, Duncan Trussell and Joe Rogan. Wow. So check them out. They also plant a tree for every piece of furniture they sell. And

they plant them all in their yard. So it's getting really fucking crowded up at Crowville in Portland, Maine. Solid hardwood, no particle board, no cheap stained pine. I put it in my son's room, and it looks gorgeous. So check them out. Go to crovelmade.com Krovalmade.com

And check out their stuff It's a simple site And see if you like something Let us know if you buy it And send them some love Okay, it's time Let's get to the front page, Mike Extra, extra

We all love it Extra Is it time already? What are we at, 27 minutes? Extra! We all about it! Extra! Is it time already? What are we at, 27 minutes? 25? Condoms! Ooh! Police in Vietnam have confiscated an estimated 345,000 used condoms, which had been cleaned and resold as new.

What, did the Lakers play an exhibition game there? What? Well, how did this happen? The TV station there showed dozens of large bags containing the used condoms scattered across the floor of a warehouse. Police said the bags held 345,000 condoms. Unknown person owns this warehouse. A woman detained during the bust told police that the used prophylactics were first boiled in water and then dried and reshaped on a wooden phallus before being repackaged and sold.

I love it. She was boiling them. That's great. Son comes home from college. Oh, look. Mom's making tortellini. Mom, this a little chewy. Don't leave me hanging, Mike.

I only know wooden phalluses. Hard as wood. All of them. I've never seen a flaccid penis. Is that a weird thing to say? This is... It must be a small phallus because this is in Vietnam. So you know the rubber wasn't overstretched.

The furniture guys love that. They just went from rogue into this. They just need more racial humor. The, yeah, I don't have any material. I didn't really read this story, but it seems crazy that, I mean, the structural integrity of, I mean, don't all condoms say, like, do not use twice? Oh, yeah. I mean, for obvious reasons, but, like, don't even if you could in the same session. And now it's been boiled.

Yeah. And put on a piece of wood, repackaged. I mean, there's no way, right? It's got splinters in it now. Splintered for her pleasure. What was the charge? I'm looking at the story now. I don't know.

I mean, selling used condoms, I think, was the charge. I think Vietnam has bigger problems than that. Can I tell you my favorite condom joke of all time? And I'll credit it to the guy who used to do it. James Lemur, now known as Emir Lemur. He turned Hasidic, I think. I remember the first time I put a condom on, I was screaming my head off.

I had no idea it didn't have to cover your balls. That's very good. I used to have a dumb one, which was, it's so disgusting. Like sometimes in the morning in my backyard, I found used condoms, but the guy was still in it. That's good. But by the way, do you remember all the, like Central Park, what was that? The Bramble or whatever, but like, or wherever behind dumpsters. The Brambles, yeah.

There would just be used condoms, but there was something charming about, That was the New Yorker in me. There was something charming about it because the reckless behavior of meeting what has to be a stranger. Otherwise, why wouldn't you go to their place or theirs to yours? And to just have anonymous sex out there, but have the wherewithal to put a condom on. Like, I don't know. There was something like, all right, that's not bad. They're making an effort. No, it's like those guys you see who, uh, you ever see those guys, they, they wear like, they almost look like flying squirrels. They have like, uh, wings and they dive into canyons. Oh no, of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like those guys wearing

a helmet. That's, that's the's the that's that's the equivalent why do you want the tiniest possibility that you'll survive and be a complete invalid or maybe not even have any body below your neck exactly why do that you're right you're right squirrels i think it's just i think it's just to hold the gopro yeah why we're hell you're right why do those guys wear a helmet it's just to hold the GoPro. Yeah, why wear a helmet? You're right. Why do those guys wear a helmet?

It's fucking hilarious. They're terrifying to watch. Right. That is one of the coolest things a GoPro has ever filmed, by the way. We got another story here. This is NASA astronaut Kate Rubin says she plans on voting from space in the upcoming elections. She's going to be leaving in mid-October to go to the International Space Station. Wait, can I go with her? How many people would like to leave the planet mid-October?

Right. One way. One-way ticket's fine. I want to find an opium den in Halloween and stay in there for a week and just come out. Not that we'll even know who won. I really believe that if we're judicious and patient, we'll say, all right, look, we're not going to have a winter November 3rd. It's going to be a week later, just so that there's no pressure on it. Let's make sure everything gets counted and keep it honest. How about this? Could we use Halloween,

like set up an official house that receives ballots. So every neighborhood can just bring their ballot to that house while their kid is collecting candy. You're dropping off your ballot. I don't know. I mean, everyone tries to combine the efforts. Like if everyone's doing this anyway, like getting a driver's license why not register at whatever just an idea but maybe like maybe like you show up in a MAGA hat but then you vote for Biden oh wait before you continue with this story um the uh I lost the thought never mind continue with your story okay what are you saying about this before? Oh,

all these stories I see. And apparently, I guess I think it was some show just won an Emmy, like Apollo, I think. And, um, but all of these,

the challenger documentary is out now. And then if you ever see Apollo 13 and like all these, there's so much time and energy spent getting, keeping the astronauts alive and getting them back. I mean, I honestly think it's over 50% of the effort is, and even the moon landing. How do you get these guys back? If you remove that, which is what AI is going to do like we'll send robots up And then we don't give a shit if they come back, you know, they're going to record everything

They're going to get out walk around they're going to do everything an astronaut could do And maybe we'll bring them back because we don't have to worry about pressure fucking oxygen food I mean, it's unbelievable how much that thing is outfitted for humans instead of the desired sort of objective, which is go grab moon rocks, you know what I mean, or whatever it is. And I know they send monkeys up, but wouldn't it be the most badass astronauts in the world, the ones that volunteered not to come back? Oh yeah, the Mars astronauts. Like you'd go down, you'd be a hero yeah and maybe you send old astronauts i don't know well i was gonna say you don't want to send a young astronaut because we need those motherfuckers

they're like literally the most intelligent durable um you know discipline they're superheroes they're superheroes we don't want to lose one of those. We'll send Buzz Aldrin. Is he still alive? I think he is. He'll probably have his blinker on the entire time. Come on, people. Well, that's what an orbit is, isn't it? It's a constant left turn, just like his signal.

Alright, finish your story, though. She's voting from space. Well, that's pretty much it she's gonna vote from space she feels like it's really important for everyone to vote if we can do it from space and i believe folks can do it from the ground too greg it's been proven that all the ballots from space it's so easy to corrupt them it's so easy to pack that number and just, it's so corruptible. There's no, it's fraudulent. How do we get this vote cast from Krista McAuliffe? And what's that Russian satellite doing so close to her sending in her ballot from the space station? What's that doing there? Yeah, I think that, well, how do you think it would work? I mean, it could, wouldn't people know who she voted for? And we can't have that.

Right. It would be hard for her to vote twice. I think she's being closely watched. Yeah. This one comes, you want to read this story about the priest? This one comes, you want to read this story about the priest? Yeah. Okay. The Reverend Robert Altier delivered a 20-minute sermon on September 6th claiming COVID-19 was concocted in laboratories in the United States and China and that it was, quote, a lie that tens of thousands of people are dying from it. A YouTube version of the sermon has been viewed more than 412,000 times. It's in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. He argued that the virus was made in a lab,

that a 2020 global pandemic preparation exercise revealed previous knowledge of the virus, and that masks caused bacterial infections, and that the death figures were grossly inflated. This is during a Sunday sermon, by the way. Wow, that's uplifting. Huh? That's uplifting. The state, meanwhile, despite all of that being untrue,

probably the truest statement said in the sermon for the last 50 years. Anyway, the state health department also rejected his assertion that just 9,200 people have died from the virus. He's close. It's over 200,000 now. The archdiocese said none of our priests are experts in public health, infectious disease, epidemiology, or immunology. I'm not an expert in pronunciation. You can't even say them. How would you pronounce it? Immunology? Immunology. You just got to run with it there.

Epidemiology? Cosmetology? I'm glad the archdiocese spoke up because I think the priests and the bishops there also should just stick to the facts they know. Like Noah having three sons when he was 500 years old. And then Noah loaded all the animals, all the animals on earth into one ark. But wait for it, in one day. Also, Adam named every animal on earth. In one day. Also, Adam named every animal on earth.

These are the scientific facts that they should stick to because that's what they know. There's talking trees and talking bushes, obviously. A guy lived in the belly of a whale for three days. We'll skip the virgin birth and the parting of the sea, but stick to those facts. That's what you've been teaching for centuries and killing people over. Right. So stick to that. Right. It starts with the truth. That's what you've been teaching for centuries and killing people over. Right. So stick to that. Right. It starts,

it starts with the truth. That's the key. And, um, you know what they'll probably do to punish this guy. They're just going to ship them off to another church. Yeah. Meanwhile, it's like he gets to the new place and they're like,

uh, what did you do? And he's like, some other guys, what did you do? He's like, about like 400 boys. What did you do? Well, I said the virus was a myth. no exactly you know one guy one guy like systematically killed people from a pandemic the other guy caused about 31 man shows to be launched wait it sounded like 31 you said 31 man shows. I want to see 31 man shows. Yeah. Probably that too. Um, yeah, this guy should be punished.

I think we should find the sickest, most wheezy old COVID patient and, uh, send him into this guy's confession booth. Just have him fucking cough it up for a few minutes. Right, Right through that screen? Yep. Have you done confession?

What are you kidding me? No, I know that's an absurd question. Every Saturday for like the first 13 years of my life. Get this, I've never done confession. Really? So I was raised Catholic, but both parents were total hypocrites my dad was

like christmas and easter uh catholic and my mom is is rational and so i they put me in ionogrammar school in seventh grade where i was beaten by the way hit in the face i have to tell i also have to tell my kids like by the way this was. This was not the freaking 50s. So seventh grade, I was put in Iona Grammar School for the reason that's the year of your first communion. No, confirmation. Confirmation. Now, to experience your first confirmation, you have to give your first confession. So what they did is they put us on a big bus.

We went up the Hudson River to some place that the church owned. And then it was a retreat. And then came time for the confession. So I'm getting ready to go to school that day, putting on my tie because we had uniforms. And my mom's like, listen, I want to tell you something. This is well-intentioned parenting where it didn't go great. I want to tell you something before you go away on this.

If you feel you have done nothing wrong, and I'm like, I have. She's like, no, no, no. I'm not talking about little stuff. She's like, I don't think you should confess. If you don't want to, I don't think you should confess. She's like, you're such a good kid. Yeah, sure don't think you should confess. If you really, she's like, you're such a good kid. Yeah, sure. You talk out in class and have discipline problems, but if you haven't done anything wrong, that's the big problem with the church is that there's just a presumption. You're born in sin. Your dirt, your babies are dirty. Original sin. Yeah.

They're dirty and they have to be cleansed. That's what a baptism is. You know, meanwhile, I'm just eating like Eggo waffles listening to this. So I go get on the bus. We go on the retreat comes time, a whole thing, indoctrination, crazy brainwashing. Then it's like, now it's time for everybody's, um, confession and everyone gets up and leaves. And I'm sitting, just sitting there on the pew, not moving. And then the brother comes up to me, brother McDonald. And he's like, uh, is there a problem? And I'm like, you know, I really feel like I don't need to confess. I don't feel I've done anything wrong. And he's like, you?

Cause I was a problem in school and I had a problem with authority. And so, uh, I'm like, yeah, well, what a fucking idiot. I got beaten because of that. But my mom had loaded me. You can't load a seventh grader with all this. It's almost as bad as the church loading you with ideas. Anyway, I was beaten and still refuse to go into the confessional. You're like the opposite of a martyr. Yeah, you're right. You know? I lived for your sins.

No, I think that confessing is actually like a really healthy emotional experience because, you know, if you look at, I mean, what's therapy? What's, you know, the Jews have Rosh Hashanah. Is it Rosh Hashanah? This Monday? No, they have all the media. Is that what you meant? So, no, I'm all for it. I used to confess when I was a kid and I felt light as air when I came out.

I think it's important to tell your things that are weighing heavy on your mind. I mean, if you really had nothing weighing on your mind, then good for you. But for most people, and again, maybe that guilt that I'd been bad came from the church in the first place. So it's almost like the first hits free and then they keep you coming back to confess. But I liked it. I agree with you, but then couldn't there be a professional therapist? Maybe that you do that. And I'm not even trying to be funny. The other thing is I agree maybe in its original form, it was a cool thing, but it's so funny now watching the vow, which I know you've watched

the vow and we'll talk about in a little bit. The vow is about that cult in Albany. And one of the most shocking things was you had to give the cult collateral. You had to tell them deep, deep, deep, deep, dark secrets. Well, like Scientology does this too. So did you to the Catholic priest. You just didn't realize it. And I think back then when there was a little village and you went in and the guy's like, whatever it is, I like to beat dogs. Whatever the—back in Sicily, let's say, that priest had that on that guy. No, in Ireland, they had this thing, and this was—there's this great book called Trinity by Leon Uris about Ireland.

Oh, that was a legendary book. Legendary book. And in it, it shows that in the small town, they lived, I think, in Connemara, they would go in and you would confess to the priest, and then the priest, based on what you said, would make the men stand across the street from the church for a week, could be two weeks, depending on what you confessed, you would have to be, that was your penance. So everybody on their way into church could see who fucked up, who was standing over to the left.

With a little sign. Yeah, right. Wife beater. Right. But you've probably, the famous story is people go in and they make up, they don't have something. Yeah. And they make up like, I cursed, or you make up something rather trivial. Well, Brian Kiley has a great joke.

What am I? Oh, he's funny. What am I, quoting comics all day? Why not? And what am I, doing Andy Kindler's joke structure? Who are these people quoting comics? And he says, my wife, my son just made his first confession,

took the cops three hours to break him, but he finally talked. At least they do it physically instead of psychologically like the priests. Alright, let's get to the cats, Mike. The priests should be confessing. It should be a two-way channel in that goddamn dark booth.

Yeah, I think every confession that you finish should then be followed by, you think that's bad. Young Michael I've been waiting patiently for The boy fucking part of your confession So I guess I take over at this point I have to confess

I've been jerking off this whole time Why do we always go Irish? Michael, why don't we do Italian priest? We always fucking hit the Irish They're all Spanish now. They're all from Latin America now. Because they can't get... There's no American priests, and there's very few,

very few Irish priests now. Ireland's done with Catholicism. Well, we have a Latino Pope, right? That's right. And he considers all the people on Earth his children, which is about the average for a Latino man.

That's how many children they have. His brother even has more. And he fits them all into his car. Okay, moving on. This is not the new brand of comedy that's out there, Mike. Are we canceled? Talk about the cats. Our podcast, why don't we just name it Cancel Culture? I only put this story in here because I loved one phrase that was in the story,

but I will also mention, we talked about putting, we talked last week about the news story of putting the AI chips in pigs. Right. And I said, I wouldn't be impressed till you could put an AI chip in a cat because they're so useless. Boy, the phrase don't fuck with cats. You know, we got letters from people. So for the record, I just want to say, I actually was a dog person my whole life. I see the value of cats now.

There's a very calming effect of them. And they are very low maintenance, way lower maintenance than a dog. You don't have to rush home from dinner because you forgot to feed the dog or walk it. So I like cats. This is a sad cat story, however. Nearly 60 cats were rescued from a Sandy Springs condo. I think that's in Georgia. Atlanta.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And 15 were found dead in the freezer. Sandy Springs police said they worked more than six hours on the scene recovering 59 cats. Oh, you see, it's not that bad. And attempting to rescue more inside the home and in the parking lot. Some were found inside the walls of the condo. He said, boy,

the homeowner lives alone and told officers that he's at a difficult stage in his life and quote, the cat situation got out of control. Like I just see him standing there like, no, no, you got me. Yeah. If I step back, I can see it did get out of control. You mean what? The 59 cats or have you seen your freezer?

Yeah. Right. Now I felt really in when I had 30, it really felt like, all right, this is normal. I mean, by the way, the freezer, those cats, that cat situation was very in control. Why all of a sudden is he a neat freak freezing his dead cats? Right, right. Well, yeah, no, the ones in the wall, that was out of control. Although, great insulation with all that fur. Yeah.

Better than asbestos. And you could tell it, like, to move to the cold parts, if there's a draft, like, scratch the wall with a little bell or something. Have the kitties congregate in that area. Well, maybe, you know, Ellen. Ellen loves to rescue. She does. She needs some redemption right now.

Maybe she'll rescue the remaining cats. She loves pussies. That was cheap. That was cheap. And we will not edit it out. Let's go to International. Cancel culture. All right. all right korea

aglio kim a trolley-like robot which uses ai is delivering food to customers at a restaurant in seoul in order to minimize human contact and help ensure social distancing. Customers hit a touch screen on the table and a three foot tall robot brings the food and uses simultaneous localization and mapping capabilities to avoid obstacles and navigate around customers, including the ones that are probably fucking waving frantically. Like, can I get some more coffee? They can deliver food up to four tables at once. And that's the average height of a Korean waiter, right? Three feet. That's right. Is that why they designed it? Yeah. They're flagging them down. Hey, big guy. Why they designed it?

Yeah, they're flagging him down. Hey, big guy. The big question is, can Kim Jong-un fuck it? Because I think if you wait on him, you generally get... Although this is Seoul. Seoul is South Korea, right? Yeah. Still, he has big ideas. He's going to be taking them over.

Do you have to tip? I mean, what do you tip a robot? 13%. I think at least because when they turn on you, you want to be the guy that was generous. I hope the robot's good in math so he can figure out that he wants me to tip on tax, that motherfucker. You don't do that. wants me to tip on tax, that motherfucker. You don't do that. When you do the little suggested tip, it's not 20% of the total with tax. I'm also not going to tip 20% on a bottle of wine.

And if it's a female robot, it will know that you checked out its ass as it walked away. Who doesn't do that with a waitress? Hey, toots, how about topping off this coffee? Yes, sir. That's my robotic female Korean voice. Yeah. By the way, what does Kim mean in Korean?

They even gave the robot a last name, Kim. It might mean something, like sun. In Asian cultures, isn't the second word actually the first name? I have had enough in this podcast. It's been racist enough, and now you're calling the whole culture backwards? I don't like it. Talk about the dog. Can we get back to Latinos having so many kids? Similar story.

Similar story. Similar story. Ready? Yeah. I will keep talking about this. We talked about it many Sundays ago, but this robot dog is at it again. There's video of the Boston Dynamics spot robot dog Boston. I don't know why spots in there, but Boston Dynamics Dynamics has this robot dog apparently wandering a city street on its own and someone recorded and put it on twitter and it struck terror in the hearts of social media users greg's now gonna this is the difference between ai and a human watch greg try to play video of ai nice desktop yeah you can read all of my little projects I'm not completing. I think

we should... Can you see it? Asian foot file. Oh, here it is. Okay. Audio, do it again without... You have to unplug your headphones. Oh, all right. Hold on. Because the people decide to take a friendly approach

after being freaked out. All right, here we go. Oh, my God. Bro. Oh, my God. Hello, friend. Oh, my God. I love you.

Jesus Christ. I love you so much. Dude. Oh, my God. I love that they much. Dude. Oh my God. I love that they're from Boston. It's like, oh my God,

bro. It's artificial intelligence. Fucking artificial intelligence. If you saw that. Dude, let's get it high. If you saw that on a dark sidewalk, and I think it took a photo of them, by the way.

People were chiming in that it was taking a photo of them. That's what that flashing was. Right. But, of course, everyone brought up this Black Mirror episode, Metalhead. Have you seen that? No. Oh, you should see it. It's very disturbing. It's basically AI has decided to wipe out humans because we are the problem on earth. And there's just no escaping these dogs. There's just no escaping them.

Right. And it was really, and of course it's Fahrenheit 451, which I always talk about the mechanical hounds. I mean, Bradbury saw this so far away. Um, but I, when I was looking at that video, someone also said, this is like slaughter bots and there was a YouTube link. So I went to the YouTube link of slaughter bots. And there was a YouTube link. So I went to the YouTube link of Slaughterbots. So I guess it's a movie, but oh my God, that's terrifying too. Like it's the AI thing is limitless. Slaughterbots were these little drones you could hold in your hand and they had all the technology of face recognition and everything like that. And you could just throw it out there, but I, it could be programmed to kill Greg Fitzsimmons and it then flies right into your head and unleashes this. It is packed with one bullet and it kills you. And these can be dropped out of planes by thousands. It's obviously fiction, but holy crap. I mean, it's just like the, you know, the, the mechanical hound. Eventually that fiction is going to play out, I think. Well, how is it a fiction? We're doing it in the Middle East. We're dropping drones.

Right. You know, from, and the drones are being launched from a fucking bunker in like Arizona. The people that actually pull the trigger and assassinate possibly innocent people on the opposite side of the planet are sitting in a bunker like they're playing a video game so uh but that dog man sure it's on with the camera now but you know that's the dog that they say will go in like when there's any sort of hostage situation or like ai or how about this god i don't even want to bring the topic up. It's so volatile. But like, maybe, I'm trying to spin it positive.

Let's say the Breonna Taylor case. You send robot, you send the robot dog in there. Right. No shots fired into the house. Yeah. Even if shot at. Right. It goes in there.

It turns on a giant light it films it the police can communicate through it so it's a talk now it's a talking ai dog right it it holds them at gunpoint maybe or or pulls out knives no it probably has pellets you could taser somebody um right yeah yeah or it just releases gas. Like it drops a little egg and all of a sudden there's gas. Meanwhile, these are the lamest attempts at me fantasizing about AI. Like it would be way more advanced than that. Anyway.

All right. I lost my play. Sorry if I was a little distant on that one. Let's go to entertainment. This is Mike's favorite category. Because he's a big-time Hollywood producer. It's either this or the racist Latinos section.

Maybe entertainment. Let's go with entertainment. All right. You put in there my octopus teacher. All right, we asked people last week the homework assignment for the entertainment section. As you know, every week we review a movie or a TV show. This was a documentary called My Octopus Teacher, which a bunch of you watched.

We got some emails from people. Dan Cholden said, good recommendation. Weird, but really good. I will never eat octopus again, which is- Neither will I. Exact reaction I had when I watched it. Listen, poor cows. I'm eating the shit out of cows and chickens.

So I don't know what this taught you is you don't know about the animal. You don't know everything about the animal. Yeah. Taught is an appropriate word. It's My Octopus Teacher. Did you get the feeling a few times, though, that this documentary could have been called My Octopus Lover? Oh, so weird.

So weird. I mean, basically, in it, there's a guy who's South African and he's apparently like a very successful documentary, like nature documentary filmmaker who burns out and he decides that he's going to reconnect to his son, who's about 10. ends up stumbling into this like kelp bed in, in the, in the Western coast of Cape town in South Africa. And he finds an octopus and he becomes fascinated with it and like falls in love with it. He, he,

no, he said that he literally fell in love with it. Her. Her. Kept saying that. Like, I think he said, I realized I loved her. Yeah. And so he would go in there every single day.

And first of all, I've been in the water in Cape Town. Do you know how far I went into the water in Cape Town? My fucking ankle. And then I had sharp spears going through the bottom of my foot. That's how cold the water is in Cape Town. This lunatic would go in the

water every single day with no wetsuit, and he'd stay in the water for, I don't know, an hour? He never really said, but I don't know how he lasted in that water year round, like during their winter, which is August. Well, people will write us. People will write us who maybe do cold plunges. They, as he pointed out, he had to explain it because he gave a Celsius, but I then looked it up and it was was like the high 40s at some parts of the year.

And he did say, though, let your body adjust. It gets easier. Yeah. To do that. I do hear if you want to feel alive, cold water is like, if you want to get shit done in your life, take a cold water plunge in the morning because it puts you into a state. And Joe Rogan was talking about this on his podcast this week, it puts you into a state of urgency. I mean, think about when you've got a deadline, when you're working on a TV show and you're in production and you're going to shoot in an hour and something comes up that needs to get done, you get that shit done and you do it well. So how do you create that sense of urgency jump in cold water and then start working?

That's why I avoid it And that's why that's what that's what hasn't worked for me and i'm gonna stick to it Unless the thing you're trying to do is have sex then do not plunge in the cold water Well think about this octopus eight hand jobs And it feels like strange plunge in the cold water. Well, think about this octopus. Eight handjobs. And it feels like strange. It almost feels like you're cheating on the octopus when you get a handjob from a new arm. This guy, of course he was in love.

Meanwhile, it's like, hey, asshole's getting a little lonely back here. I know you got seven extras. Let's work the back door there. I'm fucking plunging myself in 40 degree water for you how about a nipple rub by the way

it is great to watch with your kids except know that there are two pretty sad parts that people have gotten emotional on but I guess I would compare it to any Disney movies and any of those classic animated Disney movies

where the moms die all the time. Right, right. And they tell you up front that octopus only live about a year, which is amazing to me. That's another reason. Yeah. I won't eat octopus again. I don't want to create that demand.

Yeah. It's so hypocritical. Meanwhile, all I'm doing is putting a demand on mass-produced corporate chickens. By the way, I watched Deconstructing Harry, the DVD that you gave me. Or you gave to Josh, and then I got it from Josh. So a little setup. Woody Allen, all the stuff goes down in his life, being accused of being a pedophile and raping maybe also,

yeah, obviously, his son. No, they went out on a date first. I mean. And it's in the courts. This movie comes out at that time. It's called Deconstructing Harry. He wrote it, directed it, in the courts. This movie comes out at that time. It's called Deconstructing Harry. He wrote it, directed it, stars in it. And I went to see in the theater

because I'm like, I can separate, first of all, innocent till proven guilty. Full disclosure, I worship Woody Allen comedically. So I can separate the man from the artist. Turns out I couldn't. He is such an open book artistically. Like, you know, when Manhattan, he's talking about being attracted to young women. He plays a complete barbaric asshole who just wrecks people because of his id and his like. Narcissism.

Yeah. And so I was like, God, it's just too spot on cut to 10 years later. I happened upon it on TV. It's a joke machine. And more importantly, it has absurd sketches in there that are literal that are of the Monty Python, Mr. Caliber. And I loved it. So I just tried to find it because I was telling you guys about it. You can't find it anywhere. I bought it on eBay for like

$25 and not at all because it's a collector's item. It's just you can't find it. Do you think Woody Allen killed it? He shouldn't, man. I'm wondering if there's been a movie since that had as many jokes. Well, I watched it

and partly I had the reaction that you first did. I really felt like this protagonist is so loathsome. He's such a narcissist. There's like, it's one thing if a guy has a tragic flaw but then there's something redeeming so you're still pulling for him in the movie this guy i didn't give a fuck about him and i also and this is going to sound anti-semitic but i don't like movies or tv shows including marvelous mrs mazel that makes such a meal out of Jewish culture that they can't go three lines without somebody saying Jew or Jewish or referencing something about it.

It's way over the top. He slammed Jews. I know, but he's talking about them, and the wife is defending them, and he's slamming them, and there's Jewish references to the holidays. And by the way, Yom Kippur is the holiday on Monday, not Rosh Hashanah, where you get forgiven. That was my one thing that irritates me. I've just seen it too many times. I've seen Jewish writers lean on it to the point where- No, Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart goes there way too often.

Yeah. I'm just a Jew. I'm just a helpless, you know, I'm just a pathetic Jew. Like, it's like, okay, just, okay, got it. And then I got to say, and let's say it is, it's a fucking great movie. It really is. The writing, the structure, the fact that there's like different epics of his life happening with two sets of actors at the same time. The cast is insane. And you know who steals the show to me?

Kirstie Alley. Kirstie Alley destroyed me. Destroys. That scene where she is yelling at him with a patient in her office is one of the funniest in any of his movies by the way let's try to find these scenes on youtube maybe the kirstie alley it's his wife who has her office in their apartment she's married to woody allen and woody allen slept with her patient who was 20 early 20s or something 23 23. 23? Because who he chatted. And then the conversation between them, it's like, you slept with my fucking patient.

He's like, well, I don't, where am I supposed to meet women? Yeah. He's like, since you had the baby and you work out of the house, we don't have a social life. Where else am I going to meet people? You're blaming me for not meeting women?

And her voice, which sounds like mine, screaming when she was at her patient and she was screaming. Yeah. Anyway, there's a scene which is one of the most absurd, perfectly executed sketches I'll call it ever. The old couple where there are rumors that he killed people and it's an old Jewish couple. That's all I'll say. It's unbelievable. And then what about Robin Williams? Soft. Yeah. And the weirdest concept is that he's become blurry. And he's blurry. He's literally blurry. He's an actor and he's on set and they're like, oh, he's blurry. And they try adjusting the camera.

They keep adjusting the camera and they're like, no, it's him. And they all walk around him and he's like fuzzy. He's out of focus. He lost his focus I got to say, there's a lot of beautiful women in it, including Julia Louise Dreyfus, who was so cute back then. Louis. Louis. You've been corrected on this. Louis. Louis. Yeah, Julia Louis Dreyfus.

But Elizabeth— Shue? Elizabeth Shue is so ethereal. Her beauty, her golden locks. I mean, she is just, and I know her, she actually lives in my neighborhood, but I mean, oh my God, she's stunning. Well, that was the point. He was trying to show someone that just reeked of youth and innocence. Yeah. And, you know, Woody Allen has obviously read all the Russian novels, and, like, you have to set up,

you have to relate to the attraction of the protagonist, whether it's to killing a neighbor, if it's Dostoevsky, which, by the way, Woody Allen did in Crimes and Misdemeanors. Yeah. You know, like, that was did in Crimes and Misdemeanors. Yeah. You know, like that was exactly. Or Crime and Punishment. Crime and Punishment. So you had to relate to, yeah, fuck, she's really young.

Like she was in her mid-20s or whatever it was, and he was older. But you have to relate to it. Anyway, we've talked a lot about deconstructing Harry. Hey, I saw another one. You want to talk about The Social Dilemma let's do that next week also next week let's talk about ted lasso i did not expect to like it i it's kind of my favorite show right now should that be the assignment for next sunday or should it be social construct jason sudeikis that's his name, right? Ted Lasso is on HBO. And the premise, you'll be like, no, thanks.

It's a American coach, which really has nothing to do with it. He went over to England, was hired to coach soccer. He knows nothing about soccer. So already I'm like, that's pretty broad and gimmicky. It's not at all. It feels like a movie, but that's pretty broad and gimmicky. It's not at all. It feels like a movie, but it's a half hour TV show. And I really, and it's also feel good. He plays this. All right, Ted Lassa, watch it this week. We'll talk about it next week. Let's get to sports.

Okay. There it is. So in Tampa Bay, a neighbor heard screaming from the next apartment of shoot, called the police. Police shows up. It turns out it's just the Tampa Bay lightning fan screaming shoot at the top of his lungs over and over again. At the Stanley cup finals. At the Stanley cup finals. And, uh, yeah, they're playing Dallas. Um, so thank God he didn't get shot. That's my only thinking on that one. There was no robot dog to go in there. He could have easily been shot. Also, like, I got to be careful because that could be me alone in my office screaming at my penis.

You have to tell it to shoot? I have to. It's inaudible. Are you sure? Anything that can help at this point. Are you sure you're not screaming dribble stand up straight I mean the neighbors

he must have been yelling shoot how inept do you think this guy with the gun is and who's he yelling shoot at in his apartment shoot like four, four, how inept do you think this guy with the gun is? Yeah. And who's he yelling shoot at in his apartment? Yeah. None of it makes sense. Right. Tampa Bay, speaking of which, our bet, we're, how many, how many bets have we had?

Just one so far, right? You and I have a standing bet this season. We started last week. We're going to bet 50 bucks a week, which sounds like rich terrain. But the idea was because we're playing it with the spread. Technically, it should be around 50 50. Meaning if there's an odd number of games, one of us would owe the other 50 bucks when all is said and done, but you didn't listen or watch or pathetically get visual updates on a sports tracker, like on the NFL.com or whatever the hell I was doing with my phone, which you just have to say like play in progress and just wait to see what it says happened. Yeah. So I did that this game was a crazy nail biter but only for us in fact it's one of those where the point spread yeah it's like one of those like where you're in vegas and a guy throws up a three just to end the game a meaningless he throws it from half court and it goes in and like 50 million

dollars exchanges hands because that meaningless basket went in so So it came down, no joke, to the last second. No shit. There was 90 seconds left, and they scored. First of all, Carolina, at the end of the game, just would drive down the field for three times in a row, I think it was. They drove all the way down. There was 90 seconds left, and they had a decision. Should we go? Because it was. They drove all the way down.

There was 90 seconds left, and they had a decision. Should we go? Because it was a two-score game. They needed to get a touchdown and a field goal. So I thought, oh, man, this is how it's going to end. They're going to go for a touchdown, obviously, and you're going to win. Anyway, this is already a long story.

They went for a field goal. Now I'm up, though, because it cut the lead to seven. Sorry, they were at 10. And the spread was eight and a half, right? Eight and a half. They were down by 10. They drive all the way down and they score a field goal, which is all I needed. So now I'm winning with like 90 seconds left. They do an onside kick. Tampa Bay gets it. First play, handoff, touchdown. Now the score differential is 14 points. There's like 120 left or something. They get the ball, Carolina, march all the way down the field to the four-yard line. All I need is a field goal, which obviously they wouldn't do. They would try to get it in for a touchdown, do another onside,

and time runs out. Oh, I won! That's 50 bucks. You want to Venmo me? And it looked like nothing because Tampa Bay won by 10. No one was even watching the last 10 seconds of the game. Yeah. Except me updating a stupid iPhone. I'm telling you, the reason I like Tampa Bay is, you know,

obviously we've got Brady down there. We've got Gronkowski. They're only going to get better as the season goes on. But the point spread will change and adjust to it. But you're down 50 bucks this week. It is the Denver Broncos in Denver, and Tampa Bay is still like a six-point favorite? I think they're a six-point favorite.

What we do is go to game time just to keep it fair, whatever the spread is then. Right, okay. And I'm betting against, I'm shorting, just like I decided to short the market last Friday and had a very good week. I am shorting Tampa Bay all season. Speaking of the Patriots, Kraft, their owner, got a hand job from a prostitute.

I think a blow job, actually. There was a video. Allegedly, Greg. Two weeks in a row, he went to this place, the Happy Orchard. I forget what it's called. Those places always have the same name. There's always feet in it. Happy Orchard. I forget what it's called. Those places always have the same name. There's always feet in it, like happy feet. Flower, orchard, happy, garden.

And he was at the Happy Orchard Garden Feet place. And he got his dick sucked for a couple weeks in a row, according to the video footage, which never got out. Well, this is the proper way to phrase it. His alleged sex acts were on video. Yes. They are on video. The alleged sex acts.

Right, right. And so he- He got a team of lawyers. Yep. Very sophisticated, good lawyers. Well, he's worth like $8 billion, so I'm sure he team of lawyers. Yeah. Very sophisticated, good lawyers. Well, he's worth like $8 billion, so I'm sure he got decent lawyers. Because it went up. They went to very, very big issues.

And not only that, it has resulted in counter lawsuits, I believe, and had all the judges agreed. And apparently he's right. They overstepped the video surveillance, overstepped, and it was declared inadmissible. Yeah, because it didn't respect, what do you call it, presumed innocence? I think so. For anybody that was going in to get a regular massage, it would be a violation of their presumed innocence that they're being videotaped by hidden cameras. a violation of their presumed innocence that they're being videotaped by hidden cameras. And here's the worst part, that the NFL, which is trying to, you know, adopt all these new policies of like zero tolerance for bad behavior, consequences and punishment for any sort of

bad behavior, they were going to review and they are going to review still. And they're like, we will do a review of this when all the facts come in and we are going to treat this very seriously, says Roger Goodell. Well, there may not even be any inquiry into this issue because those tapes now essentially don't exist. Right. essentially don't exist. Right. They can't even possess them to look at them because possession of the tapes would be a crime.

Well, as I'm sure the New York Post said, happy ending for Robert Kraft. Did you just come up with that? Yeah. That's great. I wonder if they do that. I'm going to send it into the, I'm sure they said it. I would bet anything that that was the headline in the post.

Kraft comes on his stomach over great news. Human trafficking takes a loss this week. Oh, yeah. Kraft with the upper hand on hand job gate. Happy feet. Let's do some science, Mike, before we run out of time. Something with a hard case? Go ahead.

IBS. Everybody talks about I ibs big issue these days irritable bowels irritable bowel syndrome molecules from the venom of one of the world's largest spiders could help university of queensland-led researchers tailor pain blockers for people with irritable bowel syndrome. Huh. Researchers screened 28 spiders with the venom of the Venezuelan pinkfoot Goliath tarantula. Sounds cute. Not scary. How'd you get bit by that motherfucker? Which has a leg span of up to 30 centimeters.

Jesus. How big is 30 centimeters? I'm going to look that up while you talk, but it sounds like the alien head grab capability. Go ahead. You would think the opposite. Why don't we use metrics? If I was bit, this is the opposite. If I was bit by a tarantula, I would shit my pants. It's a foot. No shit. By the way, it's so goddamn stupid that we don't use the metric system. Yes. How dumb.

It's based on tens. Water freezes at zero. Yep. Go ahead. Although we do have a foot is the size of my foot. Exactly. My foot is a foot. Hey, by the way, did I get that wrong?

Is Celsius considered metric? Yes. Zero is freezing. 100 is boiling. No, I know. But is that considered the metric system where it's centimeters, meters? Yes. 100 centimeters in a meter? Yeah. And then there's hours. Oh, how many inches in a foot? Well, obviously 10. No, we're gonna go with 12. Yeah

It's so easy to add up when you have 11 of them, you know, right? It's just the math just flows out of your head Yeah I know we I think we made an effort in like the 70s to go metric and people were like nah Freedom fries who wants this the french the fucking french that they're gonna take away our freedom right my mask that i don't wear is six inches not centimeters it's it's like our language i think our language has got the most exceptions it's one of the hardest languages in the world to learn and then you say and they say like in in chinese numbers have like a logic to them that um it's not a description of a concept it's an actual it's numerical the letters themselves are numeric i don't know what i'm

talking about no no no no you're right like the like eight the number eight is kung pao chicken it means something more. This might be our most racist podcast. That's how you save me, though. I go down a fucking road. It's a dead end. And then you come in and actually fucking throw me a bone for a change. Throw you a bone? I then have to take on the racist role to your racist premise.

Oh, they're good with numbers? I got it, Greg. No, no, no, no. Somebody's going to correct us on this and illuminate how it is that the Chinese numerical system is more logical than ours. Okay, some comedian, you might know who this is. I don't.

I was just a comedy fan, but I remember seeing it once, and he goes, have you ever seen, they give you the bill when you get your bill in a Chinese restaurant and all the orders are in Chinese writing. So it's like, how, how can you double, how can you check that? That's what you've gotten or argue the bill. It's like, you're at a table full of people like who, who ordered the house falling down? Yeah. Who got the dog with a hat? Oh, I wish I could attribute it. I don't know who said it. Yeah. I know the bit exactly. And I can't remember. Was it Kevin Brennan?

I don't know. That's kind of clever. That's kind of clever for Kevin Brennan. It might be a little clever. Also, I would have heard him say it 50 million times. Cause yeah, he's sticking to the same jokes from the nineties. Hey, they work. That's his tool belt about women getting distracted before their orgasm. Yeah.

How many times have I seen him do that bit? Yeah. Uh, what do we got? Nine 11. You want to read this one? Yeah. You found this read this one? Yeah, you found this story because you're so convinced 9-11's a hoax. According to a theory advanced by a Sintef materials scientist, a mixture of water from sprinkler systems and molten aluminum from the melted aircraft hulls created explosions that led to the collapse of the Twin Towers in Manhattan.

Just before the two New York skyscrapers collapsed on September 11th, is that when it was? I thought it was the 15th. No, you never forget, Mike. Sorry. The powerful explosions within the building could be heard, leading many to believe that overheated steel beams in the building were not the cause of the collapse. The explosions fed the conspiracy theories, which there were many, that someone had placed explosives inside the towers. And they believe, now this is, I'm going to try to shorten this, that this is, this guy ran an experiment, and I guess he did the specs on it, and that aluminum, molten molten aluminum when it hits water

does in fact have violent explosions so that that could be the answer for the explosions but you pointed out that I got the answer your uncle John so my uncle John bless him, he passed away like three years ago. Character, one of the great characters of New York. Unbelievable. From the Bronx. Really never left. His friends of my dad growing up. Yep, friend of your dad's.

Still said bathroom. Had the greatest Bronx accent. Lived and died in the Bronx. And he was a steam fitter. He joined a union that his father was in and became a welder. So anyway, he was one of the welders on the Twin Towers. So when this conspiracy theory came up, it was really widespread. I remember like Bill Maher was dealing with it every week and stuff.

And so people put online, and there was one YouTube which did it very concisely, and I think it was with MIT engineers that basically they showed the equation at what temperature can the metal, can all the girders and all the metal melt in the trade center? And could the airplane fuel get that hot? And this calculation proved for a fact that there is no way airplane fuel can achieve the temperature necessary to melt the metal inside the trade centers. And that's what paved the way for that's, that's where the explosions took over. So anyway, uncle John's up for Christmas and I find this thing and I'm like, John, you worked on, you welded, I mean, you did those steel girders in the trade center and I handed him a laptop and it was kind of like handing, like kind of like trying to teach a bear how to drive a, you know, ride them like a bicycle.

He like ticked the laptop. He's not a laptop guy. I give him the headphones. And anyway, I had to press play for him. So here's uncle John on the couch, still eating like, you know, bowls and nuts that are around for Christmas. And he's watching it. And occasionally he's like, huh? Hmm. Huh. And it gets to the end and of course he gets take off the headset he hands it back to me it rips it out of his ears and i'm like so what did you think and he's like well are you expecting me to argue with this harvard guy and i'm like well no but what what do you think of the theory he's like he's up i think he's absolutely right and i like had a holy shit moment i'm like oh my oh my God. So you like, so, so this conspiracy

theory that's saying like, like that, so it's unexplainable. And he's like, oh no, no, no. It's very explainable. He's like, all of the stats that the Harvard guy used were based on the assumption that the building was built to code. He's like, it was built far from code. He goes, the mafia controlled not only construction in 1970s New York, but also the steel. The steel, apparently much of it wasn't American. There's probably people he,

maybe we'll get letters next week saying it was. But he told me he was often instructed to skip rivets, maybe do half as many. You would save half the budget on the amount of rivets. And he saw the way it was being built. And he's like, that building wasn't built close to code. And the steel wasn't as good quality as they thought. Exactly.

That's hilarious. So I think it's a combo because I believe, obviously the explosions have to be explained, but it wasn't as sturdy because those buildings, the specs had them being able to withstand a 737 or whatever it was like they were built because of planes had gone into the empire state building over the previous, you know,

80 years or whatever. Yeah. So they, it was built to withstand an airplane impact. Wow. The code was. Yeah. So there you go. John, rest in peace.

I think it's time to ask Amy something. All right, Amy, this isn't a great one, but here we go. I'm going to make it fast. I love this one. Oh, good. Dear Amy, when doing a DNA test, I discovered that my uncle, who is now 95 years old, has a son he didn't know about and has never met. This son is now about 75 and lives in another state. I love that. Our whole family knows about our uncle's son because of you. But we are hesitant. And by the way, now everyone who reads Ask Amy knows. But we are hesitant. And by the way, now everyone who reads Ask Amy knows, but we are hesitant to inform him. He and my aunt have a son, my cousin, and he is aware of this.

Wait, what does that mean? He and my aunt have a son and he is aware of this. I hope he's aware of this. Yeah, they have a natural son. Okay. Yeah. It's a little weird, but my aunt and uncle are not. Oh, the son's aware of it. Yeah. Gotcha. Sorry. I thought he was aware of his own son. They have been happily married for years. My uncle is doing very well, but we are concerned about causing any upheaval at his age. Should we tell him about his long lost son or should we avoid any potential turmoil that learning about this could cause signed perplexed relative all right uncle dan bad news you're about to have a heart attack good news is you're a father again well the best is what you laughed at it's like like, I'm going to go tell my boy.

He's my boy. He's fucking 75, probably with jello all over his chest in some nursing home. My boy. Yeah, have a quick reunion. It's not Field of Dreams. Like, can we play catch? Yeah, they're at the funeral for the guy, and it's like, hey, do you have any old photos of you and your dad?

I have the one from last week. That pretty much is my trip down memory lane. I have a photo of my first memory with my father. Do you want to see that? Sure. It's when he came to my hospital bed. After my second hip surgery. So she wants to know whether or not they should tell the guy. What's the upside? First of all, you have so much information at 95 that you can't access anymore. Your brain is like a photo album that you don't have the key to anymore.

Why give more information? You know what would be a great story? If they decided to reveal it and they then learned that he was very much in touch with that son and had been his whole life and paid for his college, sent the wedding gifts, did everything, but he didn't want his wife, I'm going to tear up,

and he didn't want his wife's feelings to be hurt. And so he never, or his own son that he raised, and so he kept that a secret, but they would meet a couple of times a year, maybe even once a year. Yeah. And they had actually a very good relationship. Yeah. Well, you know, we have a dear friend who, uh, uh, their brother turns out has a daughter that none of them knew about. The brother knew about the daughter and she grew up in a, with single mom no brothers and sisters a kind of a lonely childhood and now she's in college and then through ancestry dna the siblings put it together

told the brother approach the brother go like what the fuck why have you and like there was child support payments not made and all this shit And so his siblings are all bullshit at him and they've all become friends with the girl. Right. We met her. Yeah, we met her. She's great. She's really cool. Yeah. I was always waiting for my parents to sit me down and break the news to me that I was adopted. I was always wanting that to happen. Instead, they did the opposite. I was like in high school, and they sat me down, like, listen, we just,

we kind of know where your head's at. We just want to confirm again, we are your biological parents. No! This is going to be hard for you, because it's a roadmap for what your future is, which is us, but you really are ours. You see this rosacea, Mike? It's coming your way.

Right, right. You know how I'm drunk right now and I just hit you? That's going to be you. You know I had open heart, right, when I was 60 years old. How old are you? Yeah, that's coming your way. Remember me and mom's horrible divorce? Yeah. That's about 2017 for you, Mike. Also, I guess we don't have to explain this. We're not so bright. So you got that too. All right.

A couple of letters from the editor. Letters to the editor. This comes in from... Oh, look at this. A woman named Joanne says, I seem to have a crush on you two Wait, who? Joanne, one word No last name

That's so nice I haven't read this before, have I? Because I repeat stories sometimes It sounds familiar I don't think you have You do repeat a lot of stories. Yeah. I think I'd remember that one.

That's so flattering. When's the last time someone had a crush on you? Not like you met them on Tinder or whatever, but like unsolicited found out they had a crush on you. I'd have to say it was a long, long... Never? Oh, come on. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't know.

College? No. Oh, I know somebody. I know somebody who had a crush on you recently. I doubt that. I can't tell you, but no. Absolutely 100% true. Really?

Yep. Female? Yep. Female? Yep. Huh. Well, my wife, we both worked, my ex-wife, we both worked at HBO. Yeah. That was a rather organic one. Right.

We found out, and it was a company policy, no dating. Yep. So anyway. That's nice. What better feeling is there than that? When I was in college, they interviewed me for the school newspaper, the Daily Free Press. And it was one of those stupid things where you put like four people's pictures and you ask them a question like, you know, what's your favorite food at the cafeteria? And they all did different answers.

So a girl, I was like a junior. Yeah, I was a junior and this girl who was a freshman saw my picture and i guess you could track people down there was like a there was a student's like registry where you could get people's phone numbers do you know what it was called what facebook was it facebook then? Really? No, no, no, no. That's this monster technology that's ruining the world. It's named after colleges would have, remember the Facebooks? Oh.

It was literally called. It was a printed Facebook. A printed Facebook. Right, right. And if you see the social network, you see he actually was dating a girl at BU. Right. And he came across, and they were out. That's the beginning of the movie.

And Harvard had a Facebook. BU had a Facebook. All these colleges. Yeah. Because I remember getting called, similar story to yours, I guess. I didn't take it seriously. So they're like, what do you do? Are your hobbies?

I said, like't take it seriously. So they're like, what do you do? Or your hobbies? I said like raising llamas or I said some joke, but I would get like giggling girls calling. But meanwhile, I was like, where are you guys? And they would hang out. So what was yours? This one girl calls me and, uh, I didn't know what the hell she looked like, but she said, oh, I just saw your picture. You seem really cute. I like what you said. Love to meet. And I was like, I was like, sure. I go, my neighbor in my apartment is having a, uh, he invited me to his apartment for a party. And I didn't even fucking know this guy. He just like randomly invites me. So I tell her to meet me at the party. She shows up, she's cute as hell. And we go into

the party and it is the most homosexual event that's ever been put together in Boston. It's all dudes, shirts off, they're playing fucking wham, licking fucking cherries off each other's bellies. It was crazy. And we were having such a blast. We were the only ones there that were straight. And we were dancing and whatever. And they went back to my apartment, took a shower, made beautiful love. Wow. And I never saw her again in my life. Really?

Yeah. What's so funny is you want her to hear this and get in touch with you. Meanwhile, she's a disgusting 53 year old, but you still, you still think of her. That's what I mean. That's my point. Do you still think of her as 19? Yeah, I know. I know. Um, we got this one from Jennifer Kraut. Mike talked about 10 cent beer night, getting out of control.

This was a story we did about the, uh, was it the Chicago Cubs? Oh, good Lord. The Cleveland. Oh, Cleveland Indians,

uh, getting out of control. I wanted to let you know of another crazy Cleveland events, balloon fest 86. They released 1.5 million balloons to break a world record. Not only did this fuck up the city and aviation around the city, but two people drowned because the Coast Guard service was interrupted. Here's the Wikipedia link.

All true. I looked it up. Well, someone should call Vietnam because they're about to blow up 345,000 used condoms and launch those. Yeah. Speaking of Cleveland, I'm going there. The mistake on the lake. I totally forgot.

Totally forgot that I have a date to play one of my favorite clubs in the country, the Hilarities at the Pickwick and Frolic restaurant. If you want to go check it out, October 8th through 10th, I'll be performing. Tickets available at FitzDawg.com or go to their website. And looking forward to seeing you in a safe, distant way.

I will be distant on stage. You're flying, huh? I just read a study about flying because I've been researching this. There's only been like a handful of cases of people contracting the virus while flying. I do know that, but I just, because I'm considering going back east. My girls want to go back east. For Christmas? See the grandparents.

No, it would be mid-October. Yeah. See the grandparents on all that. If anyone wants to write in, if they know what they're talking about, from what I hear, I guess you get tested before you get on the plane. You get there, you quarantine five days and maybe get a rapid test on the fifth day. Because here's what I'm up against. My dad is 80 and has, you know, had that open heart surgery, all this shit I'm going to get

because he's my goddamn biological father. It would, it's a death sentence. Apparently, if you have a weak heart, which he does, he's even in a fib very often. The coronavirus could very well be a death sentence. So I know the wisdom would be don't go near him. No matter, just don't go back east. But if I did go back east, what would be the most prudent way to do it? I do hear though, if someone has it on the plane, we did this story last week. If someone has it on the plane and they're near you, you're going to get it. I read a good article, by the way, don't do this. Your mask has to be on the whole time. People abuse it because you can eat and drink clearly without your mask. People take off their

masks for the whole meal service and maybe extend it a little because it is a pain to have it on for six hours if it's a flight to New York. And they're like, don't do this, which is exactly what I would have done. Don't go into the bathroom for a mask break yeah because the heavy odds are the guy right before you and before him and before him did the exact same thing and people going into the bathroom are the ones that are sick um no that's what i've heard is masturbating right right even sicker with my forehead against that fucking inclined wall. Such an image. No, they say avoid the bathroom at all costs. That's where you're going to get it.

All right, Mike, we hit an hour and 40 minutes and we haven't done the funnies yet. Let's get to the funnies. Yeah. No obituary this week. Nobody big enough to get on our radar died. Right. Insert jokes about what died this week, but go ahead. But plus we're also kind of getting over RGB. That was such a big one. It'd be tough to be the death that follows that the next week. That's the Farrah Fawcett syndrome. She the same day as michael jackson oh wow yeah jesus okay here's the funnies we got a letter from gina silva who said i like watching old movies and was scrolling through some of them online to watch when an old blondie movie popped up

i remember watching these as a kid and when when I saw it, I thought of you. And let me tell you something, Gina Silva, I will never watch a Blondie movie because it's almost like if I really believe in God, I'm not watching Charlton Heston and the Ten Commandments. I don't want to see it. The image that i hold of this of this majestic heavenly creature can't be matched by some fucking actress who auditioned for

it forget it here comes the correction next week uh greg charlton heston played moses not god i didn't say he played god i thought it was ruining your i said if i well i guess so yeah i mean i guess it's why the muslims say you can't make a picture of allah you just law you just uh prefer masturbating to your image of moses and not charlton heston's yeah part that red sea baby part it oh those two tablets yeah all right so let's get to uh andy cap you know andy good husband solid citizen always has a fucking cigarette dangling from his lip and he's holding up his coat for his wife he says says, come on, kid. Let's go and have a few and forget about things. What a gentleman. He's holding her coat.

So now they're walking along and you see her. She breaks the fourth wall, looks at the camera and winks and then says to Andy, this will put you in stitches, pet. I forgot me purse for a start. She tells him she forgot her purse on the way to the bar. He turns around and grabs her by the lapels and starts shaking her back and forth. And she starts screaming, I was only kidding. I was only kidding.

Again, with the Irish accent. Why? Why would you antagonize this alcoholic, abusive husband? Wouldn't you know not to kid about getting in the way of him and his alcohol? She's also holding a giant purse

the whole time. I think he saw it but just blew through that red light and just decided to strangle her basically. For fucking with him. For trying to fuck with him. Yeah. You got to send a message.

Kind of backfired her little wink at us. Yeah. Like, watch this. Yeah, she's not winking now. Quick story, which reminds me of that. First met the stepfamily when I was in sixth grade. Jeff and Jenny are my stepbrother and stepsister, and they're awesome. at the step family when I was in sixth grade, Jeff and Jenny are my stepbrother and stepsister,

and they're awesome. They put us in this tennis group, a lesson type family thing to bond and everything. So Jeff hardly knows me. Jenny's in front of him. Jeff turns to me and goes, watch this. And he takes the back of it. He takes his tennis handle and he lifts up her tennis skirt and she turns around doesn't even think and smashes him with her racket hits his arm so she screams like oh turns around smashes him and just like fuck and meanwhile every tennis court is staring then jenny my sister runs off back to her place. And then Jeff can't play because his arm is hurt so much and he leaves. And this was supposed to get us with these strangers who are my new stepbrother and stepsister bonding. That literally happened. But it reminds me that like, watch this. That actually is bonding. You know, anybody can go on a court and be polite

to each other. What have you really learned? We still tell the story. Yeah. Now, another great husband, a guy that I like to call Hager. Yeah. Hager's with his wife and his daughter. His daughter is kind of a sweet hottie and she's got little metal cups on her tits. They're like bee cups, but they're cute. And so she says to the mother, when did you realize you were going to marry daddy? And then Helga says, when he invaded my village and drove away every eligible man.

Like slaughtered her friends, the boys she grew up with. And then he puts his arms around her and goes, is that romantic or what? That's sweet yeah you know it's a sweet story i think it's darwinism you come in and you uh you annihilate your competition yeah it's like the silverback gorilla like if his time is up and there's a new a new uh guy in town he crawls up slowly to the place where he was born just dies in the farm yeah dies in the jungle right you know you never see dead pigeons and i read this that pigeons if they're dying go and they hide they'll like bury themselves for some reason when a magician's hat ah that's how they get them. Now let's get to your favorite, Family Circus.

You know what? I'm oddly positive this week about it. We have a Family Circus. I've never seen this before. It's two panels. I mean, might they be listening to us? You mean like a set up and a punchline instead of just a set up? Right.

So not only is it two panels, but there is a set up and a punchline. Yeah. Which is incredibly, rare isn't even the right word. I've never seen it. So it's a circle and it's split down the center from north to south semicircle. On the left is the kid dressed as a pretend doctor. And he's like, hi, daddy, anything you want taken out? Now that would be the normal family circus, right? What he did was, how would a kid say the darndest thing a doctor would say?

And then the dad is there, and he's like, yes, the trash. Yeah. So there was actually an attempt at a punchline. An attempt? What are you talking about? That's a punchline. I'm going to take you to task on this one, Mike. This is goddamn funny for the Sunday Funnies.

For kids? That's a good joke. I'm going to take you to task on this one, Mike. This is goddamn funny for the Sunday funnies for kids. That's a good joke. It looks like he's pointing to himself, though, but I guess he's like pointing at like the kitchen. Yeah. Yes, the trash, but like maybe he's had it. Well, Jeff Keen has been writing these fucking strips and he's had it. He's no longer the likable Jeff Keen.

He's the guy that's like, you know, the first of all, the son's face. He's crushed. It's a full on frown. This is not a feel good cartoon. No, this is the kid got to come up and yeah, he he got really put in his place. This is like Jeff Keene not knowing his audience. His audience are morons and they're not gonna like this i bet you you know what go back and look this up because you know there's always comments in the uh if you go online and you find did you find i don't know that yeah there's always comments underneath it i bet you there was a huge backlash on this one. Like, whoa, whoa, a multi-level piece of art

that is not one-dimensional? My head hurts. What are you, Blondie? All right, speaking of which, here she is, my girl, doing what she does best, fucking serving that piece of garbage Dagwood. Dagwood's sitting at the kitchen table. Now, first of all, it's always he's sitting and she's serving.

How the fuck does this? Now, normally, I get that. This thing was made back in the 50s, but not when it's a hot piece of ass like this. She's got on a black velvet skirt. I've seen it before. Always like seeing it. And she's got on a white top.. I've seen it before. Always like seeing it. And she's got on a white top. I've seen her wear that before.

With kind of black cuffs on the edges of the sleeves. The hair is done. What do we need to say about that hair? I mean, she makes Elizabeth, what's her name, puts her to shame. Dagwood looks at her. Now, keep in mind, he has no business even talking to this woman never mind being married to her he says honey this coffee is a little weak today and she says no it isn't dear it's exactly the way you've always liked it and then she turns and walks away dagwood looks looks at the looks at us and says

i learned a little bit more about myself every day yeah why don't you learn this dagwood you don't have a fucking leg to stand on if she is serving you coffee you you should be drinking diarrhea out of that cup if she serves it to you. It's weak. It's weak? Your coffee is weak? No, you're fucking weak. Strong diarrhea. That's what she should serve. Strong diarrhea.

Right. You'll notice, Dagwood, there's kernels of corn at the top of that fucking cup gobble those down too you piece of shit i bet if if she was in human form and she served you a cup of coffee that had a little of her feces in it including your go-to corn nuggets, corn kernels in there. I bet you could drink it. Hot. I would drink it scalding hot. I couldn't wait to get it down my gullet. I would be the guy that sniffs the seat that she gets up off of after she leaves the room.

sniffs the seat that she gets up off of after she leaves the room well apparently if you believe instagram and everything this whole uh general everybody's eating ass so i don't think it's that much of a stretch yeah i hear people are eating ass eating ass oh shit my recorder died uh-oh that's not good so this is what's going to happen. Poor St. Louis. My voice probably sounds different now, but I think it just died. It definitely made it to over an hour 40. So we basically shouldn't talk anymore, but we probably switched over to my shitty audio from the Zoom. All right, let's wrap it up. Folks, thanks for listening.

And as you know, we're on a short hiatus or perhaps the end of Thursday Papers. A lot of you are suggesting we do it on Patreon. We're considering that. A lot of things we're considering. As Trump would say, we're thinking a lot about it. A lot of- Yeah, we have to see. We just have to see how it pans out.

We just have to see. But thank you for listening every week. Please go to Apple Podcasts and leave some comments. Rate us. That helps us. We were up in the ratings this week. We were up on the charts. Yeah.

Which was nice. Let's keep it up there. And don't forget Fitz Dog Radio and Childish, my other podcast. Mike, anything you want to plug? I had things and I forget them now. All right. Well, you have no tape rolling anyway. That's true. All right. Well, we have no, you have no tape rolling anyway. All right.

Thanks for watching guys. If you're going to paint, take it, lay it down on the floor, tape it to the wall. I, my, my Mike's out.

So yeah, do that. Do that. We'll see you next week. Hour and 54 minutes this week. You're welcome. That's probably why my machine turned off. It's like enough. Bye.