Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 300 2/8/26
Episode Date: February 8, 2026Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Super Bowl Expose! Greg’s visit to The Joe Rogan Experience, an Olive Garden waiter deep fries his head and Turning Point is bringing you... a half-time Extravaganza! TryMiracle.com/PAPERS BlueChew.com (CODE: PAPERS) Kalshi app (CODE PAPERS) Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Boarding for flight 246 to Toronto is delayed 50 minutes.
Ugh, what?
Sounds like Ojo time.
Play Ojo? Great idea.
Feel the fun with all the latest slots in live casino games and with no wagering requirements.
What you win is yours to keep groovy.
Hey, I won!
Feel the fun!
The morning will begin when passenger fisher is done celebrating.
19 plus Ontario only. Please play responsibly.
Concerned by your gambling or that if someone close, you call 1-8665-3-1-2-60 or visitcomex-X Ontario.ca.
The scorebed app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news.
Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game?
Well, statistically speaking.
Nah, no more statistically speaking.
I want hot takes.
I want knee-jerk reactions.
That's not really what I do.
Is that because you don't have any knees?
Or...
The score bet.
Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting.
Download today.
19 plus, Ontario only.
If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you,
please go to conicsonterio.ca.
With Amex Platinum, $400 in annual credits for travel and dining means you not only satisfy your travel bug, but your taste buds too.
That's the powerful backing of Amex.
Conditions apply.
With our brand new podcast company, Gotham, I think it's called Podcasts, Gotham Podcasts.
You sound clear.
There, oh my God, the video is going to look so.
So much better.
I don't think I just want that.
We're using Riverside FM Studio, it's called.
I don't know what that is.
Lean on the lens, get the Barbara Walters filter.
I have so much makeup on.
I get up at 6 a.m.
Oh, man, I got up late.
Yeah, what happened?
What did you do last night?
You're so fucking groggy right now.
Well, you know, they aren't exactly slow news days.
I've been staying up late and I got to change that.
Yeah?
Is that your New Year's resolution?
Yep, it is.
Earlier to bed.
All I got to do is read.
All I have to do is break out a book and it'll be fine.
You don't read.
You're not a reader.
Oh, no, I'm reading now.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, if listening also counts.
Nope, does not count.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah, because you know why?
Because I know that with your ADHD,
you're incapable of sitting down and concentrating out what you're listening to.
So you're multitasking while listening.
I do rewind quite a bit.
Yeah.
I'm like, wait, what?
Wait, wait, where are they?
Well, how are you listening?
What are you doing while you're listening?
The best case, and I think a lot of people do this, is I am cleaning.
I'm like, or laundry or something.
But my most dedicated listen is when I'm in the car.
That's good.
Yeah, I get that.
Yeah, the car is good.
I take a sleeping pill every night and then I put on 45 minutes of the driest, most boring biography I can find.
Right now, I'm listening to Gerald Ford again.
I have my list.
I have my next book on deck also.
I'm reading James, which is written in.
know it's about the Huck Finn written from Jim's point of view.
And it's won all the awards and all that.
That's going to be next.
And then right now I'm doing the God of Small Things, which is this crazy story about
this Indian family.
And that won all, that won all the awards, but that one's older.
Yeah, my wife's book group did James and they all loved it, but they're all a bunch of
snowflake lesbians.
Oh, okay.
No, I heard it's fantastic.
Super Bowl today.
We're burying the lead here, Mike.
We got the Super Bowl.
What's your plans?
Where are you going to watch it?
I'm in Florida with my dad.
Oh, that'll be fun.
Well, not really.
So Olivia's meeting me down there and we're like, and I go, oh, dad, FYI, I go, that's Sunday.
It's a couple of weeks ago.
That Sunday is the Super Bowl.
He's like, oh, right.
I go.
And so I've been to fun things with him down there in this crazy, rich bubble.
that's down there. And I think I told you the one where we were taken to a yacht club,
like where the old school, like all the old members fish are on the wall with their names next to them.
And a real, it's a boating club also. It's not just sailing. It's a lot of motorboats.
Anyway, it is the whitest crowd I've ever been around. And at the halftime show,
it was the one at SoFi Stadium in L.A. with Eminem and then all of a sudden like 50,
Sends hanging upside down, like, you know, in one of the pies.
And then, you know, Drey and Snoop.
And it was crazy.
And the woman, old woman next to me next to her husband goes with zero effort to be funny.
She's like, she leans over.
She's like, and she's just horrified at what she's seeing, this hip-hop thing.
And she's like, and they want to defund the police.
That was the highlight of that Super Bowl for me.
So I wanted something like that.
So I go to my dad.
I'm like, hey, and Olivia's coming down from Boston.
You know, keep an eye on your clubs.
I know all your clubs are going to throw, you know, Super Bowl parties on the host.
So then the next thing that happens is Olivia and I get an email of my dad emailing.
Who is still, he's emailing the list is who's still alive in his life.
The list gets shorter and shorter and shorter saying, hey, I'm hosting a Super Bowl party on the roof of my building.
And I'm like, wait a minute.
So all of a sudden, I think I have to create, I have to get food.
Like all of a sudden, it's the exact opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah.
No, it's the worst.
And then you're going to be clearing the tables and making sure the food is there,
getting people drinks, missing the entire game.
They'll only be liberal people there.
It'll be so boring.
No, big sporting events, me and Aaron walk around the corner and we sit on the couch with Matt and Cass.
And that's it.
and we pay attention to every play,
listen to every word.
I'm kind of a football fanatic.
And I mean, in the sense that I literally,
every Sunday,
we'll watch two to three games beginning to end.
Except you don't watch them live.
No, I don't watch them live.
Because I travel on Sundays.
I'm always flying home from somewhere.
So then you guys get on a group text
and you start going,
fucking bills.
and then I can't watch that game
because I can't know how it ends
and still watch the game.
That's all you listeners.
It's a fun friend to have in the group like,
stop, stop, stop, no spoilers.
The game's over like four hours ago.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah, but don't you want to watch,
don't you want to record so you can zip through the commercials
and the halftime and all that?
My sweet spot is starting the game
with like a half hour to go
or like catching up to it.
Yes, exactly.
I'll usually do, you know, it allows you to do the catch up with highlights.
And I'll do that unless I can sense something crazy happen and then I'll go into the game and watch it.
But yeah, no, the commercials are unbearable.
Well, that guy, that guy, Jim Mattress Mac in Houston, you know, every year he makes a $2 million bet on the Super Bowl.
And then if you're a customer of his and he wins, everybody gets a refund.
I think from the whole year.
Wow.
This year he picked the Patriots, which means...
That's a cool gimmick.
Two million will get him $4 million because it's double.
It's plus $200 is the line.
And it's also...
Pat's are Seattle's favorite four and a half points.
Guess with the under-over is?
No, no, wait, wait.
He's not going to double us.
He's not going to win $4 million.
It's one to one probably, right?
No.
We're horrible at this, but especially you're plus.
It's plus 200, which means if you bet 100, you get 200.
Oh, my God.
I think people's heads are exploding.
If you bet two million, he'll get four million.
I think people's heads are exploding, listening to you say this.
No, plus 200.
You double your bet.
All right, hold on.
Ready?
I'm going to do this.
I'm going to tell you right now.
Here's bet MGM.
Here's bet MGM.
How much do you want me to bet on them?
$2 million, just say $200.
By the way, right now,
Patriots are plus $100.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
That changed.
I think is there an injury?
$10.
So look, this is exactly what I just said.
$10 bet on the plus $100 pays $20.
That means I've doubled.
I don't win 20.
I win 10.
Oh, because you've already given them the 10?
Yes. Okay.
So anyway, whatever. Get this.
I'm at Penmar and then this old man who I don't know and he's walking with a cane.
But like sporty, he has his running shoes and his sweats on.
I don't know. Maybe he's injured.
So he has a cane.
And then all of a sudden, Gubbins goes, you want to split a box?
This guy sells boxes.
I'm like, what are we talking about?
So anyway, all of a sudden, the next thing I know, I'm good for 50 bucks.
in a box that I don't think I'll ever see.
But he's doing something interesting, which you should do on the boxes when you have a Super Bowl party.
You know how it's like quarter, quarter, half, quarter, or quarter, or quarter, half, third quarter game.
His is every score a box pays.
Oh.
But they don't pay as much, but that's way more exciting.
Yeah, but then you've got to divide the amount of payments from the pot based on how many scores there's going to be.
But you're so good with numbers as we just learned.
You would do that in seconds.
This would be the youngest quarterback in history.
If Drake May wins, he will be the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl in history.
Pat's just some facts.
Pat's were four and 13 last season.
I don't know if that's the biggest shift.
from bad to good in history as well.
It's the first Super Bowl in NFL history
in which both starting quarterbacks,
May and Darnold,
and both head coaches,
are in either their first or second season with their teams.
Wow.
That's kind of interesting.
They're also the two best, well,
I think Seattle's ranked the number one defense in the league
and the paths are like number four in the league?
I mean, I don't know.
I think New England's going to win.
You want to bet?
Sure.
Okay.
Right now, whatever the line is at the time,
but right now it's four and a half.
Yeah, it's still four and a half.
All right.
I'm going to take Seattle, you take the Pats.
You owe me $10 from paddle tennis yesterday.
I do owe you, 10.
Oh, I meant to pay that.
So why don't we take that 10
and
let her ride.
Bet that?
Okay.
Yeah.
Wait till I try to set up boxes for these 80 and 90-year-olds in Palm.
I guess I'm going to start.
That'll be interesting.
Meanwhile, that's what I'm going to see.
I'm going to see a bunch of millionaires who are like,
how much is the box?
20?
Like, you know, like, you know, that'll happen.
Right.
So I guess we should give a shout out to Bert.
Kreiser who's been
just showering us with love
lately. Yeah. Unbelievable.
I'm going to play a clip right now. This is
Burt last week
on the Joe Rogan experience.
Just
you know, showing us love.
Hopefully this will be, you can hear this
but we'll... Greg, you know when people
go like, what kind of music you listen to? And you talk to
a real musician, like you talk to the black keys, right?
And then you go, like, what do you guys listen to?
They're like, have you heard of the velvet thud or something?
Right, right.
They've got some obscure rap.
And they're like, that's what you need to listen to.
When people say, I listen to Sunday papers.
That's Fitzsimmons and Gibbons podcast.
I go, you're real comedy fans.
Those are the two funniest human beings alive.
Ever, Greg Fitzsimmons, when I got ready for lucky, I brought him on the road with me.
I was like, dude, I trust you.
Just tell me where I'm sloppy.
Tell me where I'm lazy.
So, I mean, it could not get higher praise from Bert that we are, you know, the podcast to listen to.
and then he
I don't think Rogan has any clue who I am
The best one he was like
Yeah yeah Greg's funny
Now I talk to him about you all the time
Because we do the podcast for three hours
But then we go shoot pool
For another three hours
So it's a six hour day
And he and I talk
We talk about everybody
How is he not trying to kill himself
in the gym during that time or plunging in a cold plunge.
Now, he's already done that that morning.
I don't know how he, and then shoots archery and then, you know, what's amazing.
He hasn't been on the road in a year because his daughters are.
Well, his daughters are at that age where he wants to be around and he basically,
he does spots in his club Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
And then the whole weekend, he's just like family guy.
Wow.
Well, family guy, but then spending eight hours with whatever's,
podcast guest is, but I guess that all fits in.
Well, that's during the day. Yes, kids are in school. What do you want to fucking sit outside
the schoolyard? So I was on there last week and it was great. I had a lot of, it's so funny,
I get mail from people, DMs or whatever, like, hey man, how come you're not pushing back
on Rogan? You know, because we have different politics, but we just don't talk politics. And it's like,
all right, should I, do I have a duty for the country to push back against someone whose politics might be different than mine?
Do you do that at work?
Do you go up to coworkers and dig in with them at a board meeting in front of everybody?
Because that's what you're asking me to do.
Well, also pushback implies you've been pushed.
Right.
And that didn't happen when you were on there.
No, I spoke about ICE.
I was very vocal about how I feel about ICE and that they are stomping all over the First Amendment,
that they're taking pictures of people and showing up at their houses and taking their TSA and security,
stripping that away just because they were protests.
So there was a couple of things that I, you know, I don't hold my tongue.
It just didn't come up.
And I wasn't going to bring it up.
Yeah, I got you.
Yeah.
Well, apparently it went very well, man.
love you in the comments, which is I was expecting the worst because the people that go in the Joe Rogan
comments are very, very Joe Rogan. And I think they love shit talking about people that don't agree
with their, you know, views. And there was none of that. Everyone just, it was, it was nice. You know what
it was? And I'm not kidding. It was like a, it was a big picture thing that views you as one of the best
guests he has.
Wow.
Yeah.
There was a lot of that.
I'm afraid to for that reason.
I know.
Nice to hear.
I know.
I wasn't afraid.
I wanted to see you torn apart in there in hilarious ways that made that made no sense.
To your credit, that would make no sense.
But there weren't.
People were like always one of the best, you know, that, those type of comments.
That's awesome.
Also, we had a nice comment from, I, somebody wrote it.
I thought it must have just happened.
But you had to go back and find it.
So I looked it up.
You told me to look it up this morning.
talking about on Spade and Carvey?
Yeah, their podcast.
Fly on the Wall podcast, I found it.
So what happened was he recorded that the day after we recorded his cooking podcast with him.
Bird Kreischer.
And Bert was very tickled by my take on Frankenstein.
And he didn't convey it right.
So it's not even worth it.
But he basically just said how funny we are.
And it's amazing.
He's so generous with that and telling those guys.
And Spade knows who I, because he asked you know,
and I was Spade's head writer.
for a while and I know Dave and so do you obviously and so anyway he was tickled by the
Frankenstein thing was like when he finally gets on the ship and the monsters chasing him and like
tearing apart and killing all the men outside he then the doctor tells the longest story that
begins with his child and my whole take was the captain was like yeah yeah right so listen
can you jump to the end where there is an unstoppable beast killing all my men outside
can you just get to that part yes I got it you're my you were a precocious child
So that, I guess, destroyed Bert.
And we were on a roll with it so he conveyed that to them.
But this is the problem.
Neither Spade or Garvey has seen Frankenstein.
Bert didn't set it up like even half as well as I did.
I just set it up, which wasn't that great.
And they're just like, oh, okay, I guess it was funny.
That's funny.
Yeah.
By the way, you missed a nice beach night last night.
We went to watch the sunset.
You were invited.
It was,
I saw the sunset from here.
It was great.
Me and Aaron and Tom and then Tom's nephew.
It was an amazing sunset.
And it was beautiful.
I was just so pissed off.
I forgot to bring my bathing suit.
The water was packed with people,
even though I'm sure it's freezing.
Tons of surfers, tons of people on the sand,
and played Frisbee.
They all had a bunch of drinks.
And then we went over to Mao's kitchen for dinner.
So eat that the rest of America who's in sleep and ice and 15 degrees.
Yeah, I put out a little video and I don't know if people are hearing about it.
Yeah.
Jim Norton on the podcast this week.
I interviewed him yesterday.
He was insane.
He's so fucking funny.
His special, Jim Norton special is as good as any special he's ever done.
He just shoots it real simple at the comedy seller.
The whole special starts with him mid-joke.
It couldn't be more dressed down.
Oh, that's interesting.
But, I mean, you really forget he is as good as anybody at stand-up comedy.
He is so fucking boil down and tight.
Every word counts.
And he's got a point of view.
Every comic talks about you have to have a point of view.
Jim Norton was born with a point of view.
He's so locked.
into his attitude.
It's amazing.
I remember when he started,
and this is probably very unfair of me to say,
but I was like kind of going to clubs
because of you and everything
and the cellar, I lived two blocks away.
So I'd see comedy like four nights a week or something.
And I was at HBO and so I'd work with a lot of them too.
But I remember Norton being like,
it was the exact time where everyone was challenged by
they would unconsciously do a tell's
rhythm and voice. It was like, I imagine the height of the jazz scene when all of a sudden,
whether it's mild or something, like there's no shaking it. Like, it's such a heavy influence.
We all sounded like a tell. I sounded like a tell. It was such a heavy new way and you would
fall in a way. And I found that Norton was really under that spell and not trying to be. And so I was
always like a little like oh you know he's a god this sounds awful because he's so great but i was like
oh he's like a good version of a tell like that's how i viewed him early on he then found and latched
into his own voice and reinforced his pov and became so strong and then i went to a thing that
bert got roasted it was a whitney cummings thing i think it was on only fans and it was here at
the comedy store i could not believe how funny jim norton was roasting
Bert where, and that's one where it's like, that in a weird way is a challenge because
Bert is so easy to roast and there's so much low-hanging fruit that I was planning on
not being that impressed.
He found ways to make it smart and clever.
And if you can go find that, I was blown away by Norton especially.
Yeah, no, we talked about it on the podcast.
I said, you know, you were one of those guys that took a minute, you know, like as Gaff again
started blowing up and Geraldo was blowing.
up and Sarah Silverman.
Like he was the guy that took a little bit
longer. I said, and then like,
I don't know if it was Opie and Anthony
or a tough crowd with Colin Quinn, but his
confidence shot up and he
just didn't give a fuck anymore.
And he said basically what he did
was he started noticing what the comics
were laughing at when he was
on stage. And he realized that's
the stuff that he was saying that he was embarrassed
about and vulnerable about
and that he just started
leaning into that and he never looked back.
Oh, that's really interesting.
Yeah.
What's this about Macy's?
Oh, my God.
All right.
We have to cover this story.
I'm going to do it next week.
Because I don't have it here.
I just have a reminder, jotted down.
This thing came across my feed.
And apparently this was more common than we think.
The legendary Macy's on 34th Street, after closing, would bring down their Doberman
pinchers, which lived in the penthouse.
And they slept all day and this.
And they were incredibly trained.
and they were watchdogs, guard dogs.
And in Macy's, the Doberman Pinchers had free reign.
And nothing was ever robbed from Macy's on 34th Street.
And it went until like the 80s or something like that.
What about Elf though?
Will Ferrer was running around.
He built a whole Christmas village.
I know.
Post dogs, I'm telling you.
And I don't know where they went to the bathroom.
But all I know is, especially,
especially the type of people I have in mind in New York
who would go in to try to rob Macy's after dark.
They are not going in once they hear
that Doberman Pinschers are roaming the place.
That's amazing.
I think that's incredible.
And then the other thing I want to just mention is,
have you and Aaron watched Secret Mall apartment yet on Netflix?
No.
Secret Mall apartment is a documentary.
I guess it was in theaters a year ago.
Jesse Eisenberg or whatever his name is.
I'm impressed.
He's one of the producers.
Anyway, especially if you are in creative fields or you love stories about artists and you can like relate.
Because I really related because I had friends like these people.
So I won't tell you what it's about.
Just go watch Secret Mall apartment on Netflix.
It gets, and you should know, it gets more and more inspiring as it goes on.
Right, so we are telling you the viewer to watch it and we'll talk about it next week.
And you know we're always true to that.
Well, you just have to watch it.
I'll probably watch part of it again on the plane.
I'm flying, yeah, flying in Florida tomorrow.
But see, no, but you'll be, and it's a time where I'm like, I really have a high bar
and feeling inspired these days.
And this kind of did it.
And it's about the little guy.
So it's inspiring across a couple of levels.
There's kind of big messages in there that they do not even intend or beat you over the head with.
But you take away, like, especially little guy against big corporations and just that feeling in America now.
It's fantastic.
All right.
I got a bone to pick with you.
We got a message from Paul Laquacy who did not get the cozy.
I know, but I got a new message from him.
Oh.
He did not receive the coozy.
so he's not giving us the $500 for Rocky Laporte,
who is in very bad shape.
So you cost Rocky $500.
Come on.
He heard our podcast.
I mailed it to Port Jefferson.
It doesn't matter.
You didn't ask me for the right address.
I would have given it to you.
You have Pollock on Port Jeff and then the zip code,
and then I had to Google it.
Yeah.
How about ask him, might, I'll send two cruisies to Porte's,
to Port Jefferson, God damn it.
There we go. Oh, you mean three.
Yeah, I'll send them two now.
I have to see how many I have left.
I'll send them two.
I also asked people who commented in YouTube and stuff,
I go, I'll make it right.
I go, just hit me up on Venmo again.
I don't want anyone losing $10,
even though it is kind of a running joke.
I did get a lot returned to me,
which we showed on the podcast one time.
The logo this week comes from Bowles McLean.
Is that really his name, Bowles?
I like, that's a good name.
A B.M.
It's us in front of the Melania movie.
His initials are BM and one of the words is bowl.
And one of them is clean.
Oh.
So we're in front of the Melania documentary, which apparently, you know, you just see the spin both sides put on shit.
All week, there was these screenshots.
of empty theaters, no tickets sold,
and then it ends up making $7 or $8 million,
which like set some records for good ticket sales.
So, you know, just everybody relax.
And now everybody who started watching
the Michelle Obama documentary
to blow hers out of the water on Netflix.
Yeah, you know what?
I don't want to watch the Michelle Obama documentary.
You wonder what I want to watch?
I want to watch Michelle Obama and her husband
do fucking something.
Where are they?
I don't know.
Where are the Democratic leaders
during this shit show?
I know where his daughter is.
I can tell you that.
Okay, tell us.
Well, a friend of a friend
knows a guy she's dating.
Oh.
And I got to check with him
how much we can get into it.
I'll check and then we'll get back on that.
Is this the one that transferred
from Michigan to USC?
All right, yeah.
I mean, that's the thing.
We can't start talking about it.
No, wait a minute.
I literally, I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
All I know is I went to my niece's graduation at USC and Michelle and Barack are there.
Oh, okay.
Corrections.
Lee says, Mike, I want my money back in an hour and 40 minutes.
Oh, boy.
Train dreams.
Saw it in the theater.
Ungrounded, unreal, overact itself indulgent.
California pats itself on the back for courageously stating that emotions are,
real immigrants are good the environment is worth preserving and women are strong real powerful stuff
thanks again lee that's interest so i've only seen it once none of what you wrote i saw in the movie
so maybe i have such a blind spot i literally this is if you ask me what is train dreams about
the most beautifully framed pictures of rivers and trees
I didn't get any of that, so I guess I owe it to you to see it again.
I also haven't seen it, but I don't know that these are all negative things.
Emotions are real.
Why does California pat it?
Wait, I, man, I'm this stupid.
He traveled a lot.
Was this set in California?
But emotions should be real.
Immigrants are good?
Yeah.
Yes.
illegal immigration
to the extent
that it's happened in the last few years
was negative.
But you can't say immigrants are not good.
No, no.
He or she
is saying this is all super
obvious stuff everyone should agree with.
Why is it worth patting yourself on the back
for having that?
Got it. All right.
Moses James says
God, and women are strong.
God, I saw it about
a man with the worst luck ever and how you go through life with the worst tragedies happening to you.
Greg, the word is pronounced golf with an O, not golf with an A.
I've heard that.
I say golf instead of golf.
Gandalf.
I say forehead.
I say forehead instead of forehead.
Yeah.
Edgar is.
Wait, what about when you have a bad dream?
Nightmare?
Yeah.
You and Bert do that.
Nightmare.
Ray Jepson said Edgar Allen Poe is from Boston, but he died in Baltimore.
Okay.
I did not know he was from Boston.
That's correcting me, I think.
That's news to me.
Dates coming up, I'll be in Philadelphia.
Helium Comedy Club, that's February 13th through 15.
Come on down for the Valentine's weekend.
Washington, Kentucky, February 19 through 21, Houston, February 26 through 28, Dallas, Fort Worth, March, March 6th, and 7th.
And then we got our St. Patrick's Day show at the Hollywood Improv. That's March 17th.
Gibbons will be performing on that. I don't think, but all right, let's just keep going.
Then we got Janesville, Bakersfield, Escondito, Boston just announced coming up this spring.
Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets.
We also want to talk about
It's kind of great
This episode is sponsored by Kalshi
The largest prediction market
In the U.S.
I'm going to do it
I'm doing it for the Super Bowl
I got predictions
You can trade on whether
Real Life world events
Will or won't happen
You're playing against the sports
You're not bad playing the house
It's they call it trading
Peer to Pier
It's more like
buying stock.
So if you think something will happen, you buy a yes contract.
If you think it won't, you buy a no contract.
And then I did it for the Australian Open when Alcarez was playing against some
Russian guy, I forget his name.
But Alcarus was up two sets.
Then he got a leg cramp and was dragging his foot.
Did you see this match?
I can't talk about it because I also used Kalshi and, and, you know,
Didn't, my predictions didn't come true.
Well, mine almost didn't.
And it was very excited.
And it was fun as hell, though.
You can do it across the country, including California and Texas, which you can't do with a lot of different sites.
Download the CalShe app and use code papers to get $10 when you trade $10.
There you go.
That's it.
Put your money where your prediction is.
Download Calci today.
Use promo code papers and get started.
The other way you can win.
is by taking a product from Blue Chew.
Blue Chew Gold.
Fellas, you know what it's like.
Sometimes, you know, you need a little help.
And Blue Chewold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable ED brand.
Four and one tablet.
It combines two ingredients for blood flow with apomorphine and oxytocin to help your brain.
And it's fast and discreet.
It's delivered right to your door.
We've all struggled.
There's no shame about it.
And I'm telling you right now, this product will make you a champion.
If you don't want to, women, you can send your man a link and he can buy it.
So look, it's prescribed online by licensed medical providers, simple private convenient.
And we've got a special deal for our listeners.
And our listeners, you know, look, we're at a certain age our listeners.
We don't have 17 to 19-year-old listeners.
Let's be honest.
We got a special deal for them for 10.
Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with Code Papers.
That's promo code papers.
Visit BluChu.com for more details, important safety information.
We thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast.
I'm a proud user.
They sent me samples.
and let's just say, sorry I was late for the podcast today.
And I, too, use a sponsor.
I go on Kalshi and I predict against your erections.
So it all ties in.
There you go.
Let's get the paper crinkling.
It's time for the front page.
Here we go.
Front page.
The Washington Post is laying off a third of its workers across all departments,
scaling back foreign news, covering and shutting down some sections of the paper.
The executive producer announced layoffs on a Zoom call.
They will restructure local news, fire editors,
close the books department, shrink the number of journalists overseas.
In a letter to the newsroom shared with CBS News,
Murray wrote that the restructuring plans are intended
to, quote, place the Washington Post on a stronger footing
and better position the paper in a rapidly changing era of new technologies
and evolving user habits
and to protect his friend.
It's fucking Mark Bezos,
bought the company.
Jeff Bezos.
I was confusing with Mark Zuckerberg.
And basically is taking a liberal media outlet
and getting rid of it.
Well, listen, I can understand the cutbacks.
These are very slow news days.
What are they going to write about?
Right, right.
Yeah.
How about the Amazon owns this newspaper and they're closing the books department.
Like, you would think you would at least corrupt the books department to just push books, but we all know it's not really a bookstore anymore.
What, Amazon?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it started.
It did.
It did.
It started as a bookstore.
I forgot about that.
Amazon, that's all they did.
Oh, Bezos is actually.
wife, listen, there's probably a lot of problems that I'm unaware of.
I don't know a lot about her.
What I do know about her is she earned whatever she walked away with.
Like she was a award-winning author, and then she was in that garage or wherever they cooked up
Amazon.com, and she was really there for the creating of it and everything.
And also, I think she gives away a lot of her money.
People always say that
And then you look at that they gave a billion dollars away
And then you see, oh, they're worth $63 billion.
Well, compare it to what Jeff gives away.
I think she's slaughtering him.
I know.
An Olive Garden employee died.
She should buy the Washington Post and beef it up.
That would be a great move.
That would be a cool move.
And Olive Garden employee died from burn injuries.
He suffered after thrusting his head.
Oh, this is your story.
Oh, yeah, man.
Olive Guard employee died from Burdage.
This is an interesting injury.
He suffered after thrusting his head into a deep friar in what police have categorized as a suicide attempt.
Yeah, I think it's a safe categorization.
The harrowing incident occurred Friday afternoon at the Williamsport, Pennsylvania restaurant
where the decedent, oh no, worked as a cook.
Police and emergency workers arrived at the restaurant around 4 p.m.
in response to the 911 calls
about an employee removing his clothes
and attempting to harm himself.
In audio from the...
I guess he didn't want to get oil stains on his clothes.
In audio from the fire department
dispatcher has heard saying,
I don't have a lot of details.
A lot of people screaming,
some kind of burn victim.
In a subsequent dispatch,
the operator added that a male victim
went head first into the friars.
Oh
I mean, is it bobbing for chicken parm?
What is happening in that kitchen?
Well, it doesn't say it, but I'm guessing this guy was Italian, like from Italy Italian,
and he walked in thinking he was working in an Italian restaurant.
And the day he was in the walk-in freezer and realized the shrimp from the shrimp scampi
was the same meat as the lobster and the lobster ravioli and the chicken parmesan.
I think he just went,
can't a tank. Where's the fucking deepa friar?
I'll have the five cheese Zidi ala suicidio, please.
It says here, you forgot to read this last part. He was laid to rest in an open
casket with a side of marinera. He just packed in there with breadsticks. Unlimited,
by the way. Unlimited breadsticks. Just packed in there tightly.
He, by the way, everyone who is in the Olive Garden kitchen is like, wait a minute, I did not know that was an option.
I did.
You should put that in the manual, the employee manual.
Well, I think they made a higher counter between the kitchen and the dining room to keep the diners from running in and ducking their heads in a deep friar after the meal.
It's a tell you.
Yeah, it's also family style.
Do they have big friars so whole families can dunk their heads in them?
Melinda Gates, speaking of wives of billionaires,
who are now billionaires themselves,
spoke out for the first time since the release of Epstein files
that contain mentions of her husband Bill Gates.
Oh, yeah.
In an interview, she said she felt unbelievable sadness
about her ex-husband's name mentioned in the new batch.
Whatever questions remain there for those people,
and for even my ex-husband, they need to answer those things, not me.
And I am so happy to be away from all the muck that was in there.
Epstein wrote of his relationship with Gates, quote,
in my role as his right hand, I had been asked on multiple occasions.
I think Gates' right hand was pretty busy doing something else.
I had been asked on multiple occasions,
and in hindsight wrongly acquiesced into participating in things
that have ranged from the morally inappropriate
to the ethically unsound
and have been repeatedly asked
to do other things that get near
and potentially over the line
into the illegal.
Epstein described those activities
as, quote,
helping bill to get drugs
in order to deal with consequences
of sex with Russian girls
to facilitating his illicitress
with married women
to being asked to provide Adderall.
Well, yeah, you would need a little
Adderall to keep up with all of this.
Okay. Who knew the smart?
One of the smartest guys on our planet is so unresourceful.
It's like, hey, Bill, change the world by creating a Windows-like user experience with this new thing called a personal computer.
And he's like, no problem.
Also, it's going to take a bit.
Can you round up some Adderall?
Wait.
How would I possibly get Adderall like every high school kid in America does?
How does that happen?
Yeah, I need to, better to ask a guy who's running an international pedophile ring to get me a almost over-the-counter drug.
Yeah.
And so, and now, like, apparently he spread STDs with his wife.
So Melinda apparently needed antivirus for her laptop and her lap.
Yeah.
And when you get the Adderall,
You're like, Jeff, like, are these a dead kids out or all?
He's like, I will, you know, need to know basis, Bill.
He's like, okay, all right, I got it.
I won't ask anymore, thanks.
Yeah, and the, by the way, you'd think paying a woman 50 billion and alimony buys her shutting the fuck up?
You think you can manage that?
The best was that, yeah, that detail where he then, from what I've heard, Bill was seeking
advice on how to slip, surreptitiously slip Melinda antibiotics, so she wouldn't know she was infected.
Meanwhile, I can't believe Bill Gates is having that much sex with his wife.
Yeah.
I wouldn't guess that.
Not only based on his island stuff, but, you know, he goes away on his little reading
retreats all the time.
He's super nerd.
They're old.
They've been married forever.
Yeah, it's interesting, but I don't know when this happened, though.
Yeah, well, she's also really, really old for him.
She's over 14, so.
Oh, no.
Time for the ethical question.
Here we go.
All right, it's my week to do it.
I'm going to ask you this.
Mike, you have a cheating friend.
You are friends with him and his wife.
Do you have a responsibility?
to let the wife know that he is cheating on her.
Right.
We've touched on this.
And last week had a similar, or maybe two weeks.
Anyway, yeah, that's a really tough one.
You know, the virtuous answer is yes.
Thank God.
I mean, if you said, no, I was going to go, thank God.
I'm asking for a friend.
Right.
But I think you talk to your buddy, right?
I guess and be like, what's the plan?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you give him an ultimatum like you tell her I will?
Also, you know, I shouldn't say this, but I would, I hate admitting it, but I would factor in what, like, is this a one-time thing when he was on vacation or whatever with a meaningless, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah.
No, because ultimately you're protecting her from something.
I mean, again, the right answer is that you intervene no matter what it is.
But good question, yeah.
And it's also hard for me because it applies to every one of my friends.
You know what's funny?
I've got a lot of communicating to do with these wives.
I don't know any friends that cheat on their wives.
I mean, there's a kind, no, there's a couple comedians I know that stuff.
step out on the road a little bit.
But my non-comedian friends, I can't think of one that cheats on his wife.
Oh, no.
We don't know a single, like, first of all, the whole thing is so baffling.
When you're, if you're juggling, if you have a relationship on the side, like, I can't even imagine.
I don't have the bandwidth.
Yeah.
Like, and the people with two families, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard.
Then you need two phones.
Charles Carralt on the road.
Yeah, he was on the road quite a lot.
Yeah.
All right.
The other thing I want to talk about is, and, you know, thank you guys because our numbers are up.
We have started getting advertising again, and we're happy to share some of these great companies with you.
Let's talk about sleep because, I mean, how your temperature is while you're sleeping.
They say you want to stay cool.
Some people run hot really easily.
some people get too cold.
This is a great idea.
Miracle made sheets are designed by NASA inspired silver infused fabric,
regulates your body temperature while you sleep.
Regular sheets can hold more bacteria than a toilet seat.
Okay.
Which is fine because I often pass out on the toilet,
so that's not a big deal for me.
Right.
You sleep like a baby on that toilet seat.
So this presents 9.9, prevents,
99.7% of bacterial growth.
Everything stays cleaner.
You don't have to wash as often.
Fewer odors.
I don't get a lot of odors on my sheets.
I don't either, but I like fewer wash cycles.
But I want to know a little thing.
I'm going to get these because one thing I do,
I, after, like, I guess it's like a week,
I have a king-sized bed.
The other side, not used at all.
Yep, not to boast.
But, and then I'll go start.
start sleeping on that side for the next week.
It's like you're cheating on yourself.
Yeah.
And I slip into fresh crisp sheets, but these have silver in them.
I am, I'm getting them.
I got them.
They sent, you didn't get your free sample?
They sent me a free sample.
You were supposed to send in the size of your mattress to get them.
What?
I got them.
Let me tell you something.
I'm getting it is like I sleep.
Sometimes I sleep in decent hotels.
Sometimes I sleep in very good hotels.
This is for season quality.
just so smooth, breathable.
I love them.
So if you care about better sleep,
better skin and a cleaner bed,
these are an easy upgrade.
Upgrade your sleep today.
Go to tri-miracle.
Singular.com slash papers,
and you'll save over 40%.
This is a pretty good deal.
When you use free promo code papers,
you'll get an extra 20% off
plus three
free free three piece towel set.
That's Miracle singular.com
slash papers, code papers,
and you save so much,
I think they owe you money at the end.
Thanks to Miracle made for sponsoring this episode.
All right, let's get to some entertainment.
There you go, buddy.
What a story.
Turning Point USA is staging a rival counter-programming event
titled All-American Half-Time Show.
It was launched in response to the NFL selection of Puerto Rican artist Bad Bunny as the official headliner, which drew criticism from conservative figures, I guess, because Bad Bunny's not American, even though Puerto Rico is American.
And we have in the past had the Stones from England, McCartney from England, YouTube from Ireland, Coldplay from the U.
UK, Shanaya Twain from Canada,
Phil Collins, I don't know what year
that, that was a slow year for the Super Bowl.
But here's their artists.
Phil Collins was in the Super Bowl, I guess.
Don't remember it.
But here's who they got.
Here's the, here is the fucking treasure trove
of big name act. Kid Rock, okay,
is, they're got to be tired of Kid Rock.
He's at everything.
I know.
then they got country artists.
Have you heard of any of these people,
Brantley, Gilbert, Lee Bryce, or Gabby Barrett?
I've heard the name Lee Bryce.
But you can't miss it because it's going to stream on Rumble channels.
It'll be on Real America's Voice,
One America News Network, and Daily Wire Plus.
So, I mean, you're not going to be able to turn around
without seeing Brantley Gilbert and Lee Bryce.
What's the plus in Daily Wire?
it's plus misinformation.
Yeah.
So, yeah, they're very upset about this.
They're very upset about the halftime show.
This?
Did you see the bad bunny reaction at the, you know,
the Grammys, apparently an infuriated Trump,
if you can believe all the reports of that?
But I would like to know,
I would like to translate what he's saying as he's saying it and stuff.
Although, I doubt he'll say anything at the Super Bowl.
He's just going to sing his hits.
And those songs are gigantic.
Well, they're also bringing up Green Day, and they have been very outspoken against, I think.
Wait, you see, I haven't read anything about it. Are they really bringing up Green Day?
Yeah, they're going to open. And then there's a bunch of really cool cameos that are coming up.
Brandy Carlisle.
With Bad Bunny.
With Bad Bunny.
Wow.
Who else?
There's like two or three other acts that are coming up who are pretty big name, pretty interesting musicians.
Let's make America, Florida.
Here we go.
I'm trying to keep this thing moving because I know you got a heart out.
Yeah, you might cross the finish line without me.
Make America, Florida.
This was emailed to us by Greg.
Thank you, Greg.
Florida Republican gubernatorial candidate James Fishback said Monday.
He joined the dating app Tinder to meet young female voters in the state.
Fishback, who's 31, wrote on the social platform X that he joined.
Tinder, quote, to meet young female voters where they are, which is in their parents' house,
and share my plan to make it easier for them to get married by a home and raise a family.
He also shared a screenshot of his Tinder profile in which he said his hottest take is that
Florida should offer paid maternity leave to all moms. Oh man, he's trying to get in the daughter's
pants and the mom's pants with this line of BS. Half an hour later, fish,
Fishback wrote on X that he, quote, ran out of likes and asked for donations so he could subscribe to Tinder Plus, which gives users unlimited likes and ability to see who has liked their profile.
Fishback is an investor and a hedge fund manager who's running in the GOP primary to succeed Desantis.
And then Broward County School District, it turns out, has.
cut ties with fishback in 2022 following allegations.
He had an inappropriate relationship with a 17-year-old student when he was 27.
Again, he just met her where she was, which was at her parents' house.
He met her where she was at a Girl Scout jamboree.
Yeah.
Wow.
So this guy is a hedge fund manager that can't afford the money to subscribe to Tinder Plus?
This is the resourcefulness that I'd be voting for.
This guy who can't figure out on his own how to get up to the X level of the dating app.
And how do you also get, how do you run out of likes?
Is that like I ran out of fucks?
I imagine, yeah.
I know I imagine it's like, yeah, you probably get five a month or something like that.
Oh, my God.
Good for you.
And he smoked right through them.
Let's make Florida.
This is also sent it.
Let's make America Philly again.
Okay.
Matt sent this into us, which is very sweet.
And he said, my hometown made the news just outside of Philly.
So here we go, Matt.
Here's your story.
Officers from the Norristown Police Department were called to the intersection of Stainbridge and West Derry streets in the morning of February 4th after receiving reports of a naked man.
standing in the way of traffic.
According to police, a man not wearing any clothing was seen vandalizing a parked car
and hitting cars that were passing, which was creating a dangerous environment for the community.
So officers were already there, and while they were on the scene, checking it out.
Another marked police car was then captured on camera, entering the scene and smashing into the naked man.
The video has since gone viral.
video captured the moments when the naked man was hit by the police car while standing in that
intersection. The man was seen in the video flying several feet before falling to the ground.
Once on the ground officers surrounded him were able to restrain him before giving him medical
attention. The officer driving the car was immediately given three medals for how great he handled
the scene. Now the officer was placed on administrative leave, but he probably won't receive an award, I
imagine. Wait, did he hit the guy on purpose? I don't think so, but I don't know. I'll say this,
and this might sound racist. If this happened at night, there's no way this would have happened to
your typical Philly Irish guy because you would have seen his pasty white body. This might have
been a black man. Oh, all right. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's saved by whiteness again with the police.
but oh my god what a scene
imagine that cop on administrative leave now too
like just the vision of the black guy
naked oh you put in my head it's a black guy
a naked guy flying through the air
like head over heels that you just smashed into
and the video is going viral
the best are the people who post that
like yeah this has to be shared
yeah
All right, let's cut down to, I think we're going to get to this day in history.
All right, here we go, this day in history.
Let's do it. Let's keep it tight.
All right, I have to find it.
We're on, we are a Chrome podcast now.
All right, here we go.
Got to admit, didn't really have a lot of time to look through it.
You ready?
Hank Aaron was born on this day in one year, give or take five years.
1927
1934
Did I miss?
I just missed
Okay
Why wouldn't you have done
I like hearing you
I thought you're going to think out loud on this one
Well we don't have time
You have some kind of hard out today
I do I have a Zoom
All right how about this
When was the famous
Famous Super Bowl
Where the Patriots
Down 25 points
Came back and beat the Atlanta Falcons
give or take two years, what year did Tom Brady and the Patriots beat the Falcons with the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history?
2018.
Man, 2017.
Nice.
Very cool.
Let's see.
Would you know when?
Jake Lamata, the Bronx Bull, handed Sugar Ray Robinson, his first.
defeat, give or take.
I'm going to give you 10 years on that one.
1949.
43.
All right.
I mean, I was just thinking about Raging Bull,
and it was shot,
wasn't it in black and white?
No, no, because it had that red blood
showing.
But it looked, yeah, it looked like
the 50s, so I figured it had to be in the 40s.
All right, you're a literary fan.
Let me see if there's a more fun one.
Oh, how about this one?
Before we get to that, what year did Jay Leno host his last episode of the Tonight Show
before handing it over to Conan O'Brien, give or take two years.
What year was that?
No, that's a tough one.
2016?
I guess you got it.
2014.
Nice.
Okay, you like, I know you like Bob Marley?
Bob Marley.
was born on this day in what year, give or take, four years?
1937.
Oh, dude, 45.
Oof.
Did you give me 10 years?
Huh?
How many years did you give me?
I think he gave you four years.
Yeah, I didn't get it.
Julius Caesar's forces deliver the final blow against supporters of Pompeii
in the great battle of Thapsis.
Give or take 400 years.
When was this final blow?
The year 200 AD.
You did it, buddy.
46 BC.
Nice.
You were off by 250 years, but you still got it with the window I gave you.
All right, we're moving on.
All right, let's get down to no letters to the editor.
Apparently, we didn't get any comments.
on our YouTube channel, Mike, I guess.
Oh.
That might be where you, you know, jump in and grab a couple.
No obituary.
Nobody big died this year that we know of, right?
Hold on.
I think I didn't lose me.
I didn't disappear.
Did I from the screen?
No.
Oh, good.
Wow, that was, I thought I did.
Sorry, what happened?
YouTube comments?
No.
Yeah, you didn't pull any YouTube comments.
No, but I went and I answered everybody.
Oh, well, that's good.
Yeah.
I don't see any celebrity deaths.
I'm checking right now.
I don't think.
Nobody be...
Oh, Catherine O'Hara, what are we saying?
Oh, man.
You know, we didn't cover that last week.
Maybe we did.
Well, listen, I don't think we did.
But, no, that's a big one.
You know, we should talk about it next week.
All right.
Let's talk about it next week.
Because she was extraordinary.
Yes.
Okay.
Let's get down.
to the funnies.
Let's do it.
Here we go.
Prankle time.
All right.
Comedy caption contest last week.
The frame was a bald gentleman in the bathroom looking in the mirror.
He looks very unhappy.
He's got a brush in his hand.
Tim McCain said, I like my chances.
That's a good one.
That's my tagline when I did a Rogaine commercial back in the 90s.
That's a great callback.
Rich Butchko said Fabio's reincarnation after a sinful life.
A lot to think about there.
Reincarnation, okay.
What about he just let it go?
Is Fabio dead?
No.
Saw him at a restaurant about six years ago.
Okay, that means he's alive now.
Will Hansen said, well, he was eating healthy.
He had a salad.
Will Hansen said, yes, I may be losing my hair,
but I've managed to retain my youthful acne,
which is an old joke.
These guys know your sets really well.
This is very cute.
Bruce Wise, who does a lot of our artwork, said,
old Josh was feeling the suck.
His hairstyle, a sad friar tuck.
He looked in the mirror, and it couldn't be clear.
Without cash, he would never get fucked.
That's impressive.
That's pretty impressive.
It sounds like chat GPT, just saying.
Oh.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not.
I'm kidding.
Uh, Kurt said, I'm not balding.
I'm just becoming more aerodynamic.
I think it says Kurt,
because I think that's a famous line from Kurt Vonnegut.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I think.
Okay.
Sean from Ontario said,
oh boy,
I look like George Costanza,
fuck Danny DeVito then had an abortion.
Fuck you, Rougain.
Wow, went to,
the first part was nice.
It came hard.
Right up the middle,
right down the gut,
as Joe Buck likes to say.
I mean,
it's short and sweet.
I like,
I like my chances.
Okay, Tim McCain, congratulations.
You win a coozy.
What's left of them?
This is going to be the final weeks of the coosies,
according to Mike, does not a lot left.
Honorable mention to Bruce Wise, by the way, for the limerick.
Next week's comic caption is,
there's a gentleman who looks like me in a doorway,
and there's a dog on the carpet shitting.
and there's a Sunday papers
frame picture on the wall.
I like this.
This is homemade.
Yes.
So there's pee and poop on the carpet
in a really ransack type place.
Your little poster is askew.
The sofa's been beat up.
And let's say that's me.
That's me in the doorway.
100% you.
That's my dog.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's get to the pros.
Hager is in his living room.
His daughter is sitting on a chair.
There's a gentleman playing music.
He's one of those, like, Carnival guys,
who's got the bass drum on his foot, a guitar, a harmonica,
and he's clanging a drum with his elbow.
Then what's his name, walks in, who just plays a lute?
And he goes, what does he have that I don't?
And Hager goes, isn't it obvious?
So Hager allows men to court his daughter.
Does that seem Viking-like?
It almost seems like a king with a jester,
and he's letting the jester do his best, I guess?
Yeah.
That's what I see.
It just seems to me that Hager would have an axe and a sword
and would be decapitating anybody trying to,
let's be honest, grape his daughter,
because there's no lovemaking back then.
All right, I've hit my heart out.
I'll end on the onion, the onions, the onion's a picture of Trump.
And it says Trump scolds female reporter for being adult.
So I like that one.
All right, I guess I got to keep this window open somehow.
Yeah, keep it open.
Don't fuck up.
I'll try not to fuck up.
All right.
I'm promoting secret mall apartment and take it ish.
Take it each to you.
And then I'll finish it out.
I'll do one lock horns.
Leroy and Loretta are at the table.
She's ladling out some stew, and then she goes, what do you mean?
When?
I haven't even started serving yet.
So he said when, like, stop.
That's funny.
Blondie is sitting down reading a newspaper with her back to Dagwood Bumstead,
which is how she should always be positioned.
He's sitting there.
I love it.
Feet up on the Hasick, hands in the pocket.
Just the ultimate beta posturing.
And he goes, so what's for dinner, sweetheart?
She goes, you can have your choice, honey, macaroni or cheese.
And he goes, somebody must have had a long day.
She goes, somebody sure did.
Really?
Well, if she did, Dagwood, get your fucking hands out of your pocket and go make some goddamn macaroni and cheese for the family.
You're a mid-level manager who's constantly in threat of being fired.
You haven't hit a bonus in 26 years.
Make the fucking macaroni and cheese.
And then maybe you can get a little piece of her.
All right.
I don't know why Mike couldn't have stayed the extra 30 seconds,
but that's the end of the show.
We're going to remind our listeners to support our sponsors.
That would mean a lot to us.
Go to Cashy and you're going to get $10.
Use code papers.
Kalshi, I'm sorry.
Use code papers and get $10 when you trade $10.
Blue Choo.
You're going to go to bluechew.
and use code papers and get 10% off.
And then finally, we have Miracle Made.
And the site is try miracle.com slash papers.
Get 40% off plus another 20% off.
All right.
Thank you guys for listening.
Thank you, Gotham podcast for producing.
And we'll catch you guys next time.
God bless America.
This week
