Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 303 3/01/26

Episode Date: March 1, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Iran is the new Iraq, ICE is sneaking into girl’s dorms and Hilary (once again) swears Bill is not a perv. Greg and Mike are back with a road-warrior edition of Sunday Papers, broadcasting from a ski house in Wilson, Wyoming, complete with barking dogs, vacuuming cleaning crews, and the looming drive to the airport . The guys recap Jackson Hole runs and Corbett’s Couloir wipeouts, revisit a legendary college misunderstanding involving a buddy’s new job, and then dive into the week’s headlines. They break down U.S. and Israel’s strikes on Iran , the Radiohead vs. ICE social media dust-up , media shakeups at CBS , and somehow detour into quicksand panic, Florida and Kentucky crime stories , aging parents behind the wheel , and a motorcycle helmet life hack for instant right-of-way . Plus: Neanderthal dating theories, Epstein jokes, family-business advice, Neil Sedaka memories , and a lightning-round “This Day in History” featuring Yellowstone, Bieber, Ron Howard, Hoover Dam, and the Lindbergh baby . It’s chaotic, topical, and exactly what you want from two friends trying to make sense of the world while laughing more than they talk. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Searchlight Pictures presents in the blink of an eye on Hulu on Disney Plus, a sweeping science fiction drama spanning the Stone Age, the present day, and the distant future, about the essence of what it means to be human, regardless of our place in history. The film is directed by Oscar-winning filmmaker Andrew Stanton and stars Rashida Jones, Kate McKinnon, and Dave Diggs. Stream in the blink of an eye now only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Sign up at Disneyplus.com. The Sunday papers podcast is the podcast that broadcast the news on Sunday. Greg and Mike will read that news and Mike and Greg will get confused while laugh and add what they say.

Sunday papers podcast. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers flopping on your doorstep on a beautiful Sunday morning early. It is early. It is. Yeah. You look very.

very hazy. Your your Wi-Fi is not great, I'm assuming? Oh, I didn't know that. I'm in Wyoming. They have Wi-Fi. They just got it a couple of weeks ago.

But it says full cells, but I think I might look hazy. I'm not doing so hot, and then I'm rushing to the airport after this. Were you drinking alcohol last night? That might have been happening.

We're in Wilson, Wyoming, man. What else we're going to do? Take the listeners. Take the listeners through your last few days. Oh, it's been really fun. Your old roommate from college is about 30 feet away from me in the kitchen, Peter Scott, and he'll come say hi. And then Dudley came up.

He drove up from Salt Lake City. And I'm here at Jack. My other roommate from college. Yeah, and we're at Jack Stouts in Wyoming. So these three guys I went to high school with. And then that is how we met you. uh, roomed in college with, with Peter's in the kitchen and Dudley, who left yesterday back to Salt Lake. And then that's how I met you is you just by chance, roomed with guys I went to high school with when you were at BU.

And, uh, good guys, real quality guys. I'm very jealous. How's the skiing? Skiing's good. They got snow. Uh, so, you know, the West is kind of trying to come out of this hole. It's been the worst, worst ski winter. Uh, uh, ever, I think, on record. Speaking to BU, by the way, so some, it was like someone in the cafeteria or whatever, one of the restaurants at the mountain, she had a BC Boston College sweatshirt on. And Jack was next to me and I'm like, BC, hi, I went to BU. And she like didn't even look up.

She's like, sucks to be you. And I had never heard that one somehow. But it was very quick and pretty funny. I just like to see that a bunch of guys pushing 60 are still hitting on college girls working in the cafeteria. Yeah, that's exactly right. I did mention that didn't even look up, right? Yes, yes. What's also going on is the 60-year-olds are like, you wouldn't believe.

It was like I was like putting on the foil coach the amount of pads and stuff I was putting on just to go out skiing, like the knee brace, all this stuff. But it worked out great. Well, it's actually pretty astounding that four guys, your age. that have skied together for 40 years are still all functioning at a level where you can fucking ski. I mean, that's pretty demanding. Oh, no, yeah, and we push.

I mean, that's what happens. We get here. And then Pete and I, who ski, you know, a handful of days a year. I didn't even ski last year. So it's been, anyway, and, you know, we're going to the top. And Jackson Hole has as much as you want to take, you know, like, and we didn't drop into Corbitts. I think those days are behind us, but we, like, watched people just flail and full.

into Corbett's Coolar, which now has its own camera. So anyway, if you guys want to check out Summa Jackson Hole, search on Instagram, I guess, for Corbets, and it'll pop up because it's gotten very popular. Because almost, I'd say half the people that drop in wipe out, maybe more. No shit. Yeah, at times, it depends on the snow, but it's kind of vertical. So when you drop in, unlike even, hopefully this isn't too boring for non-skiers, but unlike the steepest thing at Mammoth,

which, you know, you kind of just, it's really steep. This, when you're like, okay, I'm going to go now, you drop sometimes your skis don't hit snow for 10 feet. Yeah. It's like truly vertical. Well, I'm glad it's going well. I just, it's just as times like this where I realize like in my life that I am stuck in hotel rooms on the road and I would have loved to go. and I just like I remember there was a weekend where you and Dan Bickner went to a club med during like we were out of college and you guys went to a club med do you remember this? Maybe at Turks and Caicos I think.

Yeah, it was Turks and Caicos. Because Jerry, my college roommate was a counselor there. Right, right. That's what it was. So you guys invited me and I was doing like a bunch of college shows in. January in the Midwest and the show sucked and but I was at that point in my career where I was just so happy to be getting paid and like so I didn't take the time and it's like literally one of those things I look back in my life like why didn't you go to fucking Turks and Kikos with those

guys right well we told the story last night that was Jerry finding a job but we were worried about our buddy Dan Brickner and Philly and I've told the story before but it just and Dudley still has that mind, man. Like, it's only every, you know, everyone has one friend in the group who's like, that is only something that person could say or that's the only, only that guy could have that take on something. And I remember Dan was having trouble getting things started, didn't know what he wanted to do. It's right after college, all that.

And he was then thinking to join the Marines. And I'm like, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. So nothing against the Marines. But Dan, I don't think it was not Dan Brickner. Right. So I'm like, whoa, whoa. So anyway, it was a thing we were all involved. then cared about like where Dan would wind up. And then he had this big announcement and he was so

psyched. And he goes, my brother-in-law, he goes, my brother-in-law has this commercial real estate firm and it's big box stores. Like we buy leases for Costco and all that stuff. Anyway, he's given me a chance. I'm going to start and, you know, base, start, you know, entry level on and on and on and on. And we were so psyched for him. And it was such a relief. And we all heard the story and we congratulated Dan. And he's still there, by the way, today. And he killed. it and he's been there, you know, over 30 years. So anyway, uh, we all hear that. We're like, oh, man, congratulations.

And Dudley's confused. And then he goes, so hold on a minute. Your sister is fucking your boss. And that was. And we all like, we didn't even die laughing right away because we were still doing the math on that. We're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, what did. What did Dudley?

Wait a minute. How? And that's what Dudley heard. It was unbelievable. Yeah. Well, I'm here in Houston, Texas, and I can't really describe what it's like. You know, Texas is its own beast, and you try to wrap your head around it, and you try to, you know, I'm a fly on the wall anytime I'm here because it's so different than anything I was raised with. Right.

So right now, they have a cheerleading convention going on. Oh. The girls are between the ages of 11 and 14. And they are all wearing, I mean, it's like the mothers are like, okay, we need our daughters to look like whores. Like, pour on the makeup, micro mini shorts, crop tops, and they're fucking 11 years old. Greg, you're very worked up about that. It's just, here's what it is. They're everywhere and you can't look at them because there's always some Texan dad with, you know, with the close-cropped beard and the wraparound sunglasses.

And you just know that the second I look at a girl, I'm going to look up and that dude's going to be looking in my fucking eyes. Like, what are you doing looking at my daughter? and I feel like I'm on Epstein's Island against my will. And it's like I open up. Just like Bill Clinton. You're right. I didn't see anything. And so I open up, I'm on the fifth floor directly above the pool.

So I walk into my room yesterday afternoon. I look at the window at the pool. And there are 50 pre-PBPSed girls in bikinis with makeup on. and so I took a picture of it and I oh go solid and I I sent it to two people I sent it to Dan Brickner and Andrew Santino because they're two of the darkest guys that I know and I just wrote here's the view at my window

neither one of them responded in any way they'm surprised you're not blocked they deleted that photo and then I took the hint and I deleted it off my phone I'm like what was I thinking Nice move Oh my god But no it's weird But the club's great

Had some characters A lot of characters in Houston always Oh yeah I imagine When are you there until What's today's Saturday morning You're coming back tomorrow No I go to I'm going to see my mother in Florida This week for five days

Oh wow Yep And we're going to do some fun stuff and then I'm going to Fort Worth next week. So I got two weeks in a row in Texas. Oh, man. Now, tell me what happened. I also missed golf this week.

And my understanding is there's, I know that there's an issue with this starter. Were you there for that? No, I was here. I came here on. There's a woman that's in charge of starting the golfers at Penmar. And she is a cunt. There we go off the algorithm. And there are yelling, screaming fights with her every week.

And I guess it was a really bad one this week. And now they're trying to get a petition going around to get her fired. Well, one of our nice friends, like, talk to someone goes, and one of the ways when he was talking about her is like, listen, I don't want to get anyone fired. And the guy who works with her was like, no, no, she needs to be fired. Yeah. So he encouraged writing a complaint. Yeah. that's what I heard from, you know,

a thousand miles away. All right. Well, anyway, that's the state. But she's bizarre. People often ask us what's new at Penmar. Well,

that's the drama at Penmore right now. She's incredibly difficult like it was, and she does things that no one does there. And anyway, she prevents people from going out golfing when it's like, I don't know, I can't even describe it, but it's like so,

it's like we paid. She always mistakes that we haven't paid and all that stuff. Yeah. Anyway. So anyway, these are our complaints this week, everybody, about mogul skiing in Wyoming and playing golf in Venice Beach. It's rough, man. Thank God the world's not falling apart. Right.

Did you see Radiohead? I saw that this week. I screen grabbed that. All this is old news now. So I guess ICE was using a Radiohead song and Radio didn't like it. So Radiohead issued a formal statement. We demand that the amateur. in control of the ICE social media account,

take it down. It ain't funny. This song means a lot to us and other people, and you don't get to appropriate it without a fight. Also, go fuck yourselves, Radiohead. That's amazing. What song was it? I can't imagine a Radiohead song

that would be appropriate for Ice. It was let down, which is a very memeable. If you look up, let down, there's one day I will grow wings, and that's one of the lines in it, and you see people falling apart. Like, everyone posts themselves having breakdowns or crying to that song. But I didn't see the ad, but I know that's the song that they used. Yeah, yeah. All right.

We want to get to the logo this week is from Bruce Wise. It is left over from men's hockey. Yeah. Which we'll get into later. We got a quick story about that. but that was pretty exciting. It looks like they got caught up. Did you see the call with President Trump

where he started shitting on the women's team in front of them? And they laughed. They went along with it. It's like that's the problem with talking to a lunatic is like you're complicit if you laugh. Even though it was probably nervous laughter because I bet you the men's and women's teams are pretty close. No, they are.

They've even said so. and the men have apologized. Because I was... They were putting a tough spot. You're not going to laugh at the idiot in charge is, you know, stupid joke. Yeah, I was, um, I had Andy Dick on my podcast one time. And Andy started, went on this, this anti-Semitic rant about Howard. And he was calling, I can't even say the phrase, but he was saying phrases that,

first of all, if you've watched Howard Stern, he's got this guy named Yucco the clown who comes on, who does. racist things towards Howard, but it's all laughed at because he's playing a character. But then Andy was saying those same phrases and out of context it sounded really, and I'm laughing because I know where it comes from.

And so the next morning, Howard starts playing. He goes, well, listen to this from the Greg Fitzimid Show last night. And he starts playing what Andy's saying. And then he goes, and what the fuck is Greg going along with it? Why is Greg laughing? And so I got, so then it was on like page six in the post and it blew up.

It was like a huge story about this race. And I'm sitting there laughing along with it. Yeah, of course. Yeah. What are you going to do? The great Andy Dick. He's similar to Trump in many ways. Just reckless.

What do we hear about Andy these days? I don't know. I saw, when did I see him? I saw him not long ago and I'm forgetting where. But he seemed like very, very. Andy. That's all I'll say about that. Never count him out. Never count Andy out. He's always

going to come back. He's really talented and he's so talented. He's also tireless. He just he says yes to life and something will always happen with him and then he'll fuck it up. And that's part of that's the arc.

Emmett Hall did a great song this week. Thank you Emmett. He's a frequent contributor to the show. We are still looking for more. songs. It's the new year, and the folder's a little slim right now. So if you can write a song, and again, a little AI we're saying is okay. You don't have to play all the instruments, but it should not be an AI song from the get-go. Right. Send it into Fitzdog Radio.com. Although I don't care.com. We'll give you a shout out,

and we'll play it on the show. Corrections. Last week, I said that Key, Q-U-I is the French word for who. So key was wrong. The correct word for where in French is... Oh, nobody wrote the actual right answer. But Quo is Latin for where. Also, Barb says, if you don't want spoilers, stay off the phone. It's not your friend's issue.

It's yours. I'm so irritated listening to this. And in the next sentence, you call Mike Dummy. I love this pot, but often I want to scream at you through my phone. It's giving spoiled brat. It's giving spoiled brat. I don't know what that means. Love you, Barb.

I love you, Barb. And then we got. Thank you, Barb. Well, I still feel like you guys don't respect that I travel on Sundays. I'm mostly talking about NFL. Just, okay, we're on a thread where one of the guys travels on Sundays. And we all know that he gets home and he. records the games and then he wants to watch them.

And then people go, I can't believe Miami fucking blew it. But now you're upset that we told you that we bombed Iran. It's like, where does it? What? What? Sorry. Sorry. No.

Don't worry. It's not over. Don't worry. It's not over. So I didn't spoil it. But the state of the union was just two days ago and he didn't mention anything. I know. And he has the peace coalition.

It's all, yeah. It's all coming together. Finally, we got on that ethical question. dude with a felony warrant is going to get taken. Oh, the ethical question was, do you switch seats? If you're in the pastor's seat and your friend has a felony, do you switch seats when you're coming up to a DUI checkpoint when you've both been drinking? And Mike actually said he would switch seats.

And now this guy's saying, dude with a felony warrant is going to get taken that night anyway. They always will identify anyone in the vehicle. And when they do, you both get arrested and you switch seats for nothing. Yeah, I left out. I switched seats and then I punched the gas, man. I'm not getting pulled over. That's what happens when I get in that seat. Now you can both be felons.

Tour dates, as I mentioned, Fort Worth, hyenas Comedy Club March 6th and 7th. L.A., we got the St. Patty's Day show March 17th. We're going to have some big names on it. Mike Gibbons will not be one of them. Janesville, Wisconsin, the comedy cabin March 20, 21. Then we got Bakersfield, California, Escondido, California, Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th.

Then I will be up in New Hampshire and Maine. We also want to always give a shout out to Gotham Productions, who is our producer and editor and social media and everything, this podcast. And we've been kind of blowing up recently. We're getting bigger numbers. We're putting out more clips. I think the quality of the video, as you see, is better. And we always appreciate them.

Let's get to the front page. You got a crinkle, man. I'm in one moment. It's all been burned in the fireplace. Oh, wait, I have paper. Hold on. I got something. Oh, it's a Spanish test.

It's a child Spanish test. Greg, you'd be good of this. Tiquita Las Four. They use the numeral four. Thank you. Estacionis. I think that's how you ordered. I think you just ordered four tacos.

All right. Here we go. Front page. By the way, You might hear a parade going on in the background. The Houston rodeo is going on this week, and they have events all over the city. And one of them, they just had a 5K run,

and now they have a parade. And I'm going to a big barbecue there later today. Wow. With all the young gals? I, uh, I, there's going to be a parade of people here. Poor Jackie hired a cleaning crew to deal with the, house because the family's coming back later today. He has to bury all the bodies. Wait, is it an Airbnb or a friend's house? No, no, we're in his house.

Whose house? Jack, so he's had as a cleaning crew to clean all the sheets and all that stuff and all the towels. Oh, so you've got to clean for her to clean. And the vomit? No, the cleaning crew will be running behind me and vacuuming probably soon. So let's get to it. U.S. and Israel attack Iran. U.S. officials. say they expect this attack to be far more extensive than the American strikes last June. You remember, the strikes where we completely negated any capabilities Iran had. Okay. So the air raid sirens are sounding across Israel warning residents of the potential for impending attacks. And as I mentioned, this is the Board of Peace's first war since recently forming.

So the Board of Peace has gotten right to it. Well, that's it. You've got to hit the ground running. By the way, I just. realize something when you said Iran, I think that if you had to find a demarcation mark of who is for attacking Iran and who is against it, it would be people that say Iran think that we should have gotten congressional approval and people that say Iran think that a president should be able to just launch a fucking strike at four o'clock in the morning. And don't even bring up if they say Persia.

By the way, I win the bet. We made a bet two weeks ago. I was trying to find it. It was whether or not we would attack Iran by the end of February. And it happened on the last day of February. All right. Listeners who we don't listen when we talk, but you guys sadly have to listen to us. I think, I don't know, but I think you took end of March.

And I said, I think it's going to be by the end of this month. All right, well, let's find out and we'll bet you owe me $20. And I've reminded you now five times. Oh, I do. It's always the little bets that don't get paid because they're little bets. But it fucking means something because it was the culmination of two games of paddle tennis and a Super Bowl bet. It was five, five and a double of ten. Who owes who money?

Are we? Because there's also that issue. You might owe me money. Don't get ahead of yourself. on that one. So, all right, we'll make it a $20 bet on that. We'll go back and listen to it. But I think it was based on that betting app where you could bet on when we were going

to bomb around. I think so. Yeah, it wasn't the predictions in January. It was recently. It was like two or three shows ago. But I love, of course, they're using all of the military jargon to misdirect. They say, you know, there may be collateral damage from the peacekeeping missiles. and obviously some friendly fire.

It sounds like there's a Fourth of July picnic happening. I'm scared to even talk about it because who knows what will have happened by tomorrow when this airs. Today is Saturday morning early. Today is Saturday, yeah. But I think, I don't know. It sounds like these missiles were pretty powerful. I'm guessing the Epstein files were in one of the missiles.

Yeah, exactly. 10,000 years ago, as modern humans migrated into northerly territories inhabited by our ancient cousins, the Neanderthals, the two species met and sometimes mated. Sometimes all the time. Now genetic evidence has revealed a striking imbalance in these prehistoric trists suggesting that interbreeding was mostly between male Neanderthals and female humans. This reminds me your joke about pit bulls. Oh, you know, I was literally going to bring that up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it is only going that way.

So my dumb joke about pit bulls is, am I the only one when you see a mixed pit bull, a dog that I think it's a product of rape? And there's no way, there's no way. Oh, the mom was a golden retriever and it's a pit bull mix? I don't think so. Yeah. And you never see a greyhound pit bull mix because greyhounds are too fast. They got away.

We found a pattern indicating a sexual bias, a gene occurring between the males. Anyway, to me, this reminds me of how, like, Italian men marry the Irish women and Philly and Boston and the Bronx. Sorry. You missed my Philly joke, Mike. We got people coming in. I know. I love that you hit Philly. And the funny thing is I read this story and I was going right to the Philly Neanderthal angle and I saw you did it.

Ah, you got to get there first. It sounds to me, though, like a good sex in the city spin-off. It's like sex in the bearing straight or something. It's all these whores hooking up with animals. Yeah, right. I mean, it is definitely, if you are a human, I guess was the new human, was the new genus of the species, then you're obviously going to be attracted to the tougher, bigger man. the funny thing is they still say like articles will come out now and again that men are attracted to people that have like a prominent brow and it harks back to what we used to like what we used to look like and so there's like more of a I guess they feel it's like a stronger mate potentially or whatever those primitive attractions that we have where it's like someone who's strong and survive and you know they have

the strong DNA and all that. So it's still around. Yeah, the shelved brow. How do you think J.D. Vance got such a hot wife? I mean, this whole thing explains the Jersey short, doesn't it? Yes. Philly adjacent. U.S. Department of Homeland Security officials on February 26th,

misrepresented themselves to gain access to a Columbia University residence hall where they detained a foreign student. The agent gained entry by stating, They were police searching for a missing child. They made their way into the apartment of the student they were targeting with the same story. Five agents from the DEH were involved at 630 a.m. To detain Azerbaijan-born Columbia student Elmina Agayeva, the agents entered her room, a building not open to the public without any kind of a warrant.

So look, I've used some shady excuses to get into a women's dorm in my day. I was claiming to be a trans woman back in 1988. I had long hair. Right. Well, now... Do you remember bosom buddies? Of course I remember bosom buddies. What a premise.

What a premise. Tom Hanks. Yep. Well, you know, like ICE is like they shoot people, but now you're talking about. telling me they lie? It's like, where do we draw the line? Right, right. Are you kidding me? Also, ICE is looking for a child. Are they trying to get in the Epstein files? Do they have FOMO? What's happening here? Yeah, they realize, by the way, imagine this, go ahead. They realize the files aren't long enough. They got to create some new pages. But who knows what this student was like in there probably just cranking Taylor Swift? They come in like, oh, they're looking for a child. And no, they're not. No, they're not.

Yeah. She's cuffed thrown on the floor. Are you, all right, I want you, don't look at the script. I want you to spell Azerbaijan. I don't know how, and I won't get it right, but all right, A-Z-E-R-B-J-A-N. Very close. Two letters all.

Oh, okay. Former President Bill Clinton is test. testifying Friday before the House Oversight Committee in a closed-door deposition tied to its investigation into convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Now we're off the algorithm. The session is taking place a day after Hillary appeared before the same panel. Clinton is answering questions under oath as part of a congressional probe. It marks the first time a former president has been compelled to testify before lawmakers against his will. Oh, against their will. He's familiar with that phrase. Like how he showed his cock to Paula Jones. Okay. Wow, we're really flying off the algorithm now. Well, yeah.

So Hillary was also, wait, she was questioned already, right? She was questioned the day before. Right. And she has no ties. And then they tried to corner her on that. uh jis lane was at um the wedding at chelsea's wedding but she was a plus one apparently i don't know but they were barking up the wrong tree there now clinton's a different story now i didn't see his testimony i was out all day yesterday but i heard did he start it by saying i'm here because

uh um i don't think anyone is above the law even a president of the united states and then i know that was that was yeah take your best shot That was his M.O. for doing this. The whole thing is based on if he testifies, then Trump has to testify. He'll set the precedent that presidents have to testify in this. Yeah, Republicans always respond in kind with that. And, but Clinton, you know, Clinton's denying everything, but this is a guy who used a teenage intern at the White House as a humidor for his cigar. I saw a funny joke online. It was someone, I guess, on X or something. Hillary Clinton says she only recalls meeting Epstein that one time when she murdered him. It's such a good joke.

That's great. All right. Speaking of ethical questions, let's go to ethical questions. All right, here we go. I don't think they're that good. I'm just going to read them. Okay. Oh, you know, they might have updated.

Okay, no. This is a better one. Okay, this is a better one that I found these last night because, boy, do I work ahead of time. My aging mother won't stop driving. Should I take away her keys? The DMV has suspended her license and she's irate, blaming us.

Wait. How about, wait, remove that her license has been suspended. I didn't see that part. That was what I was going to talk about. Well, look, I'm going to visit my mom. What are they talking about? My mom has been in an accident recently

and she is 83. she's very small so just like her seat is pushed in the furthest forward position so the steering wheel is like under her chin and I don't know her sister got into a horrible accident

about five years ago where she literally drove off the road and she's older than my mother so I would love if she stopped driving but it's like you can't imagine taking that away from somebody their freedom you know so i would say that the dmv should test people over the age of 78 i think you should get tested every two years and if you can't pass the test they take away your license wow what is it now is

there is no test no you just keep fucking driving you never get tested again after the age of 16 They should also have you do the eye exam in a dark room Because none of these people are going to drive at night That's the first thing that goes Yeah, yeah Yeah, I don't even want to joke about it Because it's like, oh, we could joke here about Oh, your mom, my dad should do it

And then all of a sudden there is an accident Then you look back at our joke about it I know It's like how we used to tell jokes about priests with altar boys My dad is doing pretty well on the driving front, I can say with a clean conscious. But, but, I mean, definitely has lost a step and everything. Thank God in a way, he was a pretty aggressive driver.

Yeah. But it's like now you just want to put them in the safest car possible. Although, weren't you driving in the right lane and he started telling you to move over to the right lane? That did happen. But yeah, so he's a terrible backseat driver. That has gone. I want to take away his voice. So never mind his keys for that.

But I it was funny we said something that we were joking we're skiing everyone skis with helmets now and some and two guys in the gondola we were in hit heads and I go that's what anyway helmets came up and now related to this driving story I've told this before but it's kind of funny one time I was getting on my motorcycle to go and I realized oh man it's street cleaning today I have to move my car and I was like running late I'm like damn it so I just got off the bike it left it running and I ran over to in my car and just kept my helmet on. And I got in my car with the motorcycle helmet on and let me tell you, everyone gives you the right away. Anyone, I was, I was in a BMW sedan with a motorcycle helmet on. Everyone was like, no, no, go ahead, go ahead. And I was pulling a big U-turn in the intersection. And I thought no one was coming like to park on the other side of the street.

Everyone's like, go ahead. Yeah, you can do that. That's great. It's like having the NRA sticker. on your dash, on your windshield. Everybody gets out of the way. Exactly. All right, any other ones?

There's kind of bad ones. Here, you pick. I'm going to read. I think you're going to pick the third one. One is, should I tell people what my principal did? He was a community pillar with a dark underside and possibly other victims. I think that's an easy one. I think yes.

All right. We're the guardians of a difficult teenager. What do we owe them? I found myself carrying negative feelings that I don't want. want but can't quite shake. That's not very specific. Here's one. Do I have to take over the family company if I can't stand my cousin? Yes, absolutely. Did we already do that one? I don't think so. We haven't done it, but I will say right now in this in this work environment to be somebody who's young and needs a job, take the family business. It's already up and running. You know how it works.

you're going to be working with assholes no matter what young people think they're so selective about why they won't take a job you got a bad cousin wha shut the fuck up get the keys to that company you probably you know you all the resources there your father's going to be there or your mother whoever's company was they're going to help you take the fucking job you could also make your cousin's life hell put them on the night shift that's right that's right um Yeah, I, you know, there's a lot. There's so many families who have family businesses. And it is the person like the, the, the, the unliked cousin here. And they just basically say, you don't, you don't have to come in. Like, yeah, they just float that person because they don't want them involved, especially in decisions and things like that.

No, there's a lot of no show jobs. That's what kind of what succession was about, you know, until the until he stepped up, the younger brother. And arrested development, too, was a little like that. Yeah. With Will Arnett. Like, it's like, yeah, you don't, no, no. You don't have to come in.

You don't have to do this. All right. Let's get to entertainment. Entertainment. Here we go. I forgot the crinkles. All right. I sat on the couch with my wife and daughter this week, and I watched Hamnet.

And I was warned it was a tearjerker, but man, does it hit you hard? especially if you have a kid. Yeah, I didn't have the same reaction. Oh, you don't have kids you care about. It was built up too much for me, so that's what happened. I loved it. I think the woman absolutely has to win the Oscar. She was incredible.

She played so many different emotions and shades of, you know, she captured this woman who's like, you know, part wild beasts, part witch. and yeah, I loved it. Everybody cried. There's a little bit like, this is a movie about the origin and the process and the inspiration for arguably one of the greatest plays in the history of civilization. And so what we're going to show you is what was going on at his home at that time. We're not going to show you him writing it. We're not going to show you Shakespeare creating Hamlet.

We're going to show you how they're dealing at home. He's dealing with the tragedy, but we're going to show you how she's dealing with the tragedy. Yes. There's a little of that. I wonder if it was reversed, you know, like think of some amazing work of art, like even Mary Shelley's Frankenstein or something. Like, oh, man, I want to see how that was inspired. Yeah. Well, where are you going to show you her husband who is dealing with stuff at home during that?

Yeah, what was his, because he was a writer as well. Percy Shelley, was it? What was his name? He was a famous poet. Shelly, yeah. Yeah, and I think that she overshadowed him. That would be a great story to show. Can you imagine in the 1600s or 17 or whatever the fuck that was written,

having to deal with your wife being more successful than you? That would be great. I like that. Yeah, let's do it. We're going to develop it. Paramount Sky. Dance reached a deal to acquire Warner Brothers' discovery for more than $110 billion after Netflix backed out of the bidding war. The sale, whose CEO David Ellison has cultivated ties with Trump, will reset the Hollywood ecosystem and throws into question the fate of CNN, which they own, which Trump has said should be sold.

executives and Democratic lawmakers here said they worry that Trump's pressure campaign. He demanded last weekend that Netflix fire former Democratic National Security Advisor Susan Rice from its board or, quote, pay the consequence. He loves saying pay the consequences. Yeah, well, it's threats. It's easiest way to it. Could reshape how political power is wielded. I mean, I can tell you already. They did this with CBS.

They put in an advisor, quote unquote, at CBS News. I was reading the press coverage of the Iran invasion. It reads like a high school pep rally. I was like, I didn't realize what news source I was reading. I was like, why is this so pro? It's like, CBS, they're now completely government controlled. A lot, and it was news, I guess, this morning. A lot of CBS news people and real veterans forever have been resigning because of,

kind of like what we said in the Golden Globes, the BS news of CBS, and them being very biased and literally told to focus on a certain angle on coverage. Anyway, well, one of the people that resigned recently, and I'm not saying why he resigned, I don't know all the details, but Anderson Cooper left CBS where he was host of 60 Minutes and left there and, you know, retained his job at CNN, when, you know, back to that, he's there. And now CNN's under CBS. Interesting. Yeah, he didn't get out from under it.

But listen, to me and you and creatives, I hope I'm overstating this, but it's basically down to two companies now. And I cannot see how unions survive. I don't, I can't see how there's even a Writers Guild in 10 years, maybe five. Yeah, I know. It's over. Why wouldn't they just be like, yeah, we're done with unions? Well, that's why I'm always glad that you and I have this podcast to lose money on.

I know. Well, we brand. You diversify. You have to diversify. So they're taking over Netflix. So now the Milan, apparently the Melania documentary is going to run on a loop. The first three months of Netflix, it's just going to be Melania. That's your only choice.

lovely Aaron Burnett will now be covering wine stomping demonstrations in West Virginia Nice one Oh oh oh I can't breathe

Grape stomped lady I'll tell you I mean that was my first When Daniel and I created Tosh Point O that was my first web redemption I tried to find grape stop lady So I mean I pulled out all the tricks

Then we found out She was living, I think, in Albany. She wanted nothing to do with it. And I got a guy to deliver something to her house and to ask. And that did not go well. So we did not get grape stomplated. We got boom goes the dynamite guy instead. That's a true story.

Yeah. Wow. All right. Let's make America, Florida. Florida man who went missing on Valentine's Day rescued after being stuck in quicksand for days. Giddens, this guy, had not been seen by his family since February 14th. It was the subject of a missing person's report. His family and friends had raised the alarm with authorities after he became depressed following a recent relationship breakup.

Deputies found Giddins on Thursday, covered to his shoulders in the quicksand, and had sunk below the level of the grass surrounding the borough pit. I don't know what that is, making him virtually camouflaged. The fire department said he had been stuck in mud for several days without food or water while the area faced freezing temperatures. Wow. A video of the incident shows deputies initially struggling to pull him out and free him using ropes and then using ladders, pallets, wooden boards, and other,

tools to dig him out. I mean, is it if Florida needs another curveball. Now it's quicksand. I know. That's amazing. Like Valentine's Day launches a lot of marriage proposals and in Florida, a lot of man hunts. Just people, I mean, people that are already on the edge and then you're like, there's quicksand. All right. Where is it? Of course, DeSantis is already like, surround the ice prison with quicksand we don't even need fences anymore let's do that yeah i didn't even know quick i never heard a quicksand like actually existing no so that was a really funny joke i read along the way like in the last year and someone wrote uh having grown up in the 70s and 80s i thought quicksand would be playing a bigger role in my life like oh god yeah it was in horror movies it was

It was in cartoons. Gilligan's Island. Gilligan's Island. It was like, it was a threat. It was kind of like sharks. You're just as likely to run into trouble with a great white as you are quicksand. Right, right. And then there's always like how to survive quicksand and what you're supposed to do.

Don't panic. Don't try to get out. Don't try to get out. I know. That's the advice. Spread out. Don't move. Yeah, right.

It's like taxes. Yeah. How do you get out? Well, first thing you do is don't try to get out. Yeah. Kind of like Epstein Island. Here we go. Let's make America, Kentucky again.

The Kentucky man was arrested after he allegedly engaged in sexual activity with, wait for it, a deceased animal. So this guy, Alan Osborne was taken into custody after he allegedly engaged in sexual. The dogs are getting anxious just hearing this story. There's two dogs behind me. After he allegedly engaged in. sexual relations with a dead deer. The police department said that a man was driving through the area when he noticed a man allegedly engaged in sexual intercourse with a deer on the side of the road.

The witness then called 911. When law enforcement arrived on the scene, they reportedly found Osborne, covered in deer fur and blood. Why not hit the deer and the guy when you see that? You take out deer all the time. this just has one more added element to it. One bullet. One bullet.

I think that should be the only acceptable way to wear fur. You have to have sex with the dead animal. And then you're allowed. Well, it's kind of like how most furs are sold. I think there's sex before the fur coat. You know what I mean? Yes. And then a protester throws blood on it.

Yeah, exactly. Is it more illegal to have sex with? a dead animal or a live animal? I'm going to guess dead. That's a great question. It adds another layer to it, doesn't it? Because I think I told you that time in a writer's room. Norm loved finding like hypocritical thinking in everywhere,

even in jokes that we'd pitch them. Anyway, but we had some, we ordered lunch, and one of the young people on staff was very, very, very much an animal advocate. And somehow, oh, I think the story came up of what is sex with animals called? Necrophilia. Oh, well, basically beastiality. And so, and this person was having a very strong reaction

of the bestiality story. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. He goes, you know that beastiality laws are to protect the humans, not the animals, right? He's like, no one gives us shit. I mean, the animals love it, I think. Yeah, yeah. He was so interesting about that.

When we got into sports? Let's get to this day in history. Yeah, let's get to this day in history. Here it comes. Yeah, I got to get across the valley to the airport. This day in history, it was a tough one. Yellowstone, I'm right near it, was established as the world's first national park on this day

in what year, give or take 40 years. It feels like a Teddy Roosevelt kind of a move. But I feel like it might have been earlier. Let's just say the Turner. Let's say, let's say 1855. No, I mean. Look at you. Yeah, 1855.

Oh, you heard me. Well, kind, I didn't say yes or no. You did it. 1872. Nice. That's Grant. Signed the act. Oh, it was Grant.

Okay. I know. But you're right. I mean, Teddy Roosevelt was the hero of the whole part. I think. Okay, Justin Bieber, a Canadian singer, noted for his fresh-faced good looks, as it says here, and catchy pop numbers. Well, he was born in London, Ontario on this day in what year, give or take five years?

1985. 94. Ron Howard. Happy birthday. Ron Howard. He was born on this day in what year, give or take five years? I feel like he's halfway between. my mother and me. So I'm going to say 1950.

Look at you, man. 54. Nice. After five years of construction, the Hoover Dam on the Colorado River at the Arizona-Nevada border was completed. It is the highest concrete arch dam in the United States, give or take 10 years. When did they complete construction of the Hoover Dam? That sounds to me like a New Deal work project. So it would be in the 30s. I'll say 32.

Look at you. 36. See that? New Deal, baby. I'm going by my presidents today. Last one. Aviator Charles Lindbergh's two-year-old son was kidnapped from their home near Hopewell, New Jersey, and was later found murdered. and so, well, this isn't clear

because then they give me a year for the, he was executed. Bruno Houtman was executed. But what year, I think they're asking, it is, what year was the two-year-old Lindbergh baby abducted? Well, Lindberg was a big, give or take eight years. All right, Lindberg was a big Holocaust denier. So it was sometime around World War II.

Probably before. I'll say 1940. Oh, my God. I gave you eight years. 1932. Oh, nice. I think I got everyone right today. Did he deny the Holocaust or was he just too sympathetic with the Germans? Oh, that's what I met. Yeah, he liked Hitler. He was a Hitler fan. By the way, he might have denied the Holocaust. I don't know, but I've never heard that. Yeah. All right. That was it. You did well. Did well today. Let's get down to the obituary.

Here comes obituary Well, we lost Mr. Neil Sedaka The singer-songwriter behind dozens of hits In the 60s, 70s He died at 86 years old His hits included breaking up his heart to do Laughter in the Rain, Bad Blood

And the Captain and Teneal's cover Of his song, Love Will Keep Us Together, which was the number one hit in 1975. Love. Love will keep... I mean, he wrote some corny ass songs but they were catchy i remember the 1970s being on my school bus and uh hearing every one of these songs over and over again and uh they're fucking baked into my psyche as a as a young kid and his presentation was pretty really really cheesy too but something

like the breaking up is hard to do it's just like pure saccharin you know what i mean it's just this dying to be sung along to and loved and it's just very peppy. Very peppy. And then he did bad blood where he tries to have some attitude. Bad, bad blood, blood. Oh, wow. Well, good voice there, Fitz. I don't even think I know that song. I definitely don't know it

from what you just did to it. Yeah, yeah. Nobody does. People that knew it now forget it based on how I just did it. No, you're very smart. You don't want the algorithm. You don't want the computer there, YouTube, to figure out. You just sang a song. I scrambled my voice. All right, let's cheer up. This Saddaka thing really brought me down.

Let's go to the funnies. Funnies, let's do it. All right. Every week, we do the comedy caption contest, all spelled with K's, and we give you one frame of a comic strip. You then write a punchline. You send it in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. you put your name directly underneath your punchline.

We put together the top ones. We read them. We select a winner. That person then immediately gets a coozy delivered to their house. Yes, of course. All right. Last week's comic frame was we got a woman. She looks like she's gone right past middle age.

And she is sitting on a bar stool in front of a slot machine. She's on an IV drip that says gin and tonic. She has a cigarette dangling out of her mouth. And she does not look happy. Sean from Ontario said, come on, triple sevens. Mama needs a new IV bag. All right. Kurt says, I've seen this before.

It's called the Florida retirement plan. Okay. That's my mom. Who's seeing that, though? Yeah, that's true. Who's our omniscient narrator here? Yeah. My mom every Sunday goes to church, and then she goes directly to the casino.

Well, while she has to replace a couple offenders, apparently. So let her do it. Jerry said Nancy Pelosi without insider trading. That's not bad. Ron says, hurry up, honey. We don't want to miss Greg Fitzsimmons at Brad Garrett's club. I just saw him wheel by on a knee cart. I like that, Ron.

I mean, it only works here, but I like the institutional knowledge of the podcast. Tim says it has, it had been decades, but there she was, dad. Oh, all right. He thinks this is, there was a transition. Yes. Okay. All right. DQ, just one, just one more poll.

And I'll be able to afford the martini. Drip. Oh, levels, different levels. Yeah, okay. Albert says, hope on tap, regret on drip. All right. Some solid wordplay there, maybe. I don't know.

What do we, what, uh, I, I guess I, I have to say on a, on a selfish level, I like the one about me on a knee cart from Ron. And you shouldn't like that. You shouldn't like that, that, that's being remembered. But is it called a knee cart? I think so. Yes.

It's like a don't go cart. Okay. All right, fine. Let's tell you right, Ron. I liked it. All right. So we go with Ron. Congratulations.

I feel like Ron has won before. So Ron, let us know if you want another coozy to go with your first one. And now let's get to the pros. Hager is sitting at the table. at a restaurant with his wife, Helga. She's looking at the menu. She says, do you think the lobsters are fresh? And then Hager goes, that one is.

And we look over and we see the waitress with a lobster mauling her ass. And she goes, hey. So even the lobsters were rapists back in the 1400s. Look at them. And it has to be mean lobsters with the two big claws. That's right. It can't be the other variety. Did they have those over there in the North Atlantic?

I guess so. Maybe they're over on that side too. Back in those days in Scandinavia, that could be crabs. Maybe she has crabs and they're just that big. They were bigger then. Yeah, I like it. Now we have the lockhorns. Loretta walks in the door. She's got a steering wheel in her hands and she's a little ruffled up. And she goes, we now own a car with an external combustion engine. Oh, nice.

That's funny. and now we're at the marriage counselor and he says to them she says to the marriage counselor Leroy has turned his life around unfortunately it was 360 degrees right back where he started and now we're walking out of a store

Leroy is carrying a lot of bags Loretta is smiling Leroy talks to his friend and says I celebrated President's Day by saying goodbye to a grant two Jackson's three Lincolns and a bunch of Washington's That's a solid President's Day joke.

I like it a lot. Finally, Loretta is at a party talking to her friend. Leroy's in the background. And Loretta says to her friend, it came with matching earrings, but Leroy couldn't get them out of the claw machine. That's good. Before we get to Blondie, I have two onion cartoons.

Here we go. One is there's a picture. Netanyahu there. And it says Netanyahu calls Iran strikes necessary to prevent war he just started. And then here's one Trump at his

desk writing. He goes, Trump writes Netanyahu strongly worded check. That's good. Yeah. I like it. And finally, Dagwood's walking home from work. He's got on his overcoat in his briefcase.

And Blondie meets him at the door. And he says it's good to be home. And she goes, stop. New security check. Before you come in, you have to prove you're not a robot. And now in the second frame, fucking dopey grabs her, bends her over backwards and plants a kiss on her. Even the dog is standing on his hind legs, happy that this homosexual is showing some signs of being a man. I think it proves he is a robot.

I think it proves he's not his usual self. Right. And he goes, how's this? And now, of course, just to ruin the moment, we're now sitting at the table where he waits for food and she serves him. And she goes, I guess that proves it. And he goes, and this Yankee pot roast passes my tastebud security check.

Shut up. Why are you not in the bedroom? Why is the third frame in the kitchen? It should be in the bedroom with that black velvet skirt hanging on the fucking bedpost while you pile drive yourself into that blonde piece of heaven. Blonde piece of heaven. I love how you can tell it's velvet

from this cartoon. That's right. The way it moves, the light catches it. You should have it where it has fabric on it that you can touch. I think you need more sensory stimulation to these things. But yeah, and then what a horrible way to peter out.

It's like they change it to pot roast. And imagine coming up with that and being like, yeah, that's good. ship it, print that around the world. Yep. They had a great buildup with the first two frames and then, all right, how do we end everyone? Oh, yeah, in the kitchen, the patriarchy. There you go.

Mike, I want to wish you good luck on your flight coming home. Thank you so much. Say hi to the boys. I know I already did, but I didn't say how to Dudley. And I guess that'll do it. That's it, man. Enjoy Houston. Don't go to the pool.

Can I give you that advice? don't go to the pool. No. Just don't. My curtains are firmly drawn and I'll be putting my sleep mask back on as soon as we finish this podcast. You should ask for a parking lot room, a parking lot view. Oh, good, good. Well, they've got to leave sometime.

Oh, no. Maybe they have one of those hot tub trucks, you know, like one of those Hummer limos with the hot tub in it. Take pictures for me. All right, everybody. Take it each. Take it, The Sunday Papers podcast is the podcast that broadcast The news on Sunday

Greg and Mike will read that news And Mike and Greg will get confused Well laugh and ad when they say Sunday Papers podcast