Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 304 3/08/26

Episode Date: March 8, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Kristi is Noem- more, people are betting on the war, and there’s another party island doing some weird stuff This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meet fabric dot com slash PAPERS. ● That’s meet fabric dot com slash PAPERS. M-E-E-T Fabric dot com slash PAPERS. ● Policies issued by Western-Southern Life Assurance Company. Not available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And they'll give you the news. Always accurate. Take it is. There he goes. Jupiter, Florida. Coming here from Florida, kids. Yeah, Florida. I'm sitting on my mom's couch.

Florida man. Florida man. Florida man. I'm the Florida man this week. I am literally on crack cocaine right now. And it's just you land at Palm Beach Airport and they give it to you like a goodie bag. And then the rules are you have to wear a golf shirt when you're in Florida? You do have to dress as if you're ready to tee off at any time.

Look at you. Yeah. Yeah. Got the golf shirt. Well, I had to go to the lawyer today. And me and my mom went through her last will and testament. So you got to wear a golf shirt. And the guy, the lawyer in charge of it was wearing a golf shirt.

And we talked about golf and he was one of the most dull human beings. Like only when I hear other people talk out loud about golf, do I realize how insufferably boring it must be for other people? Oh, you know how self-conscious I am about that. I always quit the conversation whenever I can about it. I will say you don't seem like that industrious. You're going in there, really with an eye on your mom's money. It's the middle of a Thursday. You're wearing a golf shirt.

You're not old enough to be retired. So it looks very, like, I bet they're like going to do wellness checks on your mom. They're like, he's going to take her out, isn't he? Like, as soon as this ink is dry, there's a pillow over your mom's face. That's what they're thinking. Yes. 100%. Yeah, he is like, and he's like, and why are you down here?

I'm like, I'm visiting her. I love my mom. Then you're like, mommy, I got to get back to do the podcast. They're like, okay, this is an unhinged guy. How many listeners do you have? We got a lot of listeners. Yeah, they're so low. It's great.

It's great. We have to do it no matter where we are on vacation with our mothers. We stop. We do the podcast. Oh, my God. When I think about sitting in a car in South Africa, beaded with sweat wondering if I'm going to get machete

to death and I'm talking about fucking Jay Lowe's panties Oh when you're on the trip Yeah Yeah why not That's a good That's a good thing

Better than Christy Gnome We just got that news It's Thursday as we're recording this Yeah And uh Kind of a big news morning Also some Britney Spears news coming up Yeah we've got

DMT news we got a really good Florida man's story so you're in the right place and we're still at war and who knows who knows how that's going to go I think it's going to be a while I think it's going to be a while I think if I had to bet on it which I think

you can on Kalshi we're going to talk about that I would bet that this we will have boots on the ground in the next four months, and we won't be out of there for three years. That's my guess. We, and I'm sure it'll be mission accomplished, we have to follow up on our bet. You were wrong. I'm the one who bet we would bomb Iran before the end of February.

You did say that. No, by February 28th, is that the last day? Because that's literally the day they struck. All I know is the calendar said February. Yeah. Yeah. So I won that one. I won that one.

Oh, yeah, are we doing March Madness? It's coming up. I don't do March Madness. I don't care about college basketball. No, I don't care about it. The over under bet? It's, you know, it's one of those bets where it's like, now I have to watch college basketball.

I have to watch a game that's not as good as professional basketball that I already don't watch. I'm like a junkie. And then two minutes later, you have to be who, who, who plays? I'm like the red team, the red team. They scored too many. They did the over. Like, that's how much I know.

And then you're so invested at you're screaming at a guy for shooting when they're up by 20. Oh, I'm screaming fundamentals. What are you doing? Yeah, but this kid is that, you know, he's off the bench. Even though it's a blowout, he's going to huck a three, of course. Yeah. And he's thinking about you. That's how you feel.

He's thinking about Mike Gibbons sitting in his box or shorts. about every week, but just very briefly in case people don't know what I'm talking about. It's a bet with a lot of history between me and this guy would be. But the bet is over under. It's that simple. Every game, I forget how many games there are 153 or whatever. And we bet, it sounds like a ton, $100 a game. That's why I'm screaming at the kids making the mistakes.

And it's $100 a game. And it generally comes out, you know, four. or $500 by the end that someone owes someone. But not last year. Last year, Mr. Under here, I think Ruby had to pay me in increments. I mean, I think I won 900. It was a lot. Jesus.

Yeah. How does he slip that past the wife? It's very intricate and elaborate. I don't exactly know what happens, but there's intermediaries. There's a lot of dinners with you guys and he picks up to check. He overpays Southern California Edison, then I have to write them to get a rebate. So I am, I was kicking myself.

I'm still kicking myself. I was down here yesterday. Me and my mom went to the beach. And beautiful day out, but very windy. And so there's these two couples, and they're sitting over. And, you know, down here, it's all Philly, New York. people. Philly and New York. It's like where are you from? And I should just say, what borough are you from? And they've all got the thick accents. It's a lot of

Marias and Angelas. And so these two couples are sitting out and they've got the umbrella and it's a weird new. They've got the state of the art umbrellas. And one guy sits down on his launch here and the wind kicks up and he falls over backwards and his legs are in the air and he's stuck in place. He's a little bit winded, and he's like, it's the kind of thing where people are, he's stuck, and people are coming over to help him, and he's so embarrassed that he's waving them off, but yet he can't get up. And so it was a good 45 seconds before he kind of rolled over on his side, and then his legs got tangled in the chair. And I did not fucking videotape it. Tom O'Neill would have lost his shit.

It's like a turtle waving people off. Like, no, no, I'll get it. Don't help me. Yeah. And then he got up and the great part was none of them looked around. Nobody would have seen me taping. And then when they got nobody laughed. No, and they got up.

He brushed himself off. They sat down. I'm like, how, what kind of friends do you keep where you fall over in a fucking chair and nobody laughs? That's horrible. They need a better friend group. It really made me sad. I didn't know, I don't know how long they've been together, but they need to bring somebody into the,

they need a gubbins. Did you go into the water? Yeah. Nice. It's tough, though, because it drops off really fast, and the waves are breaking every 12 feet. There's a huge undertow, so I did not go far in.

I just went in, I got wet, and I got the fuck out of there. That water scares me. was a lot there's a lot more I mean I guess it's everywhere there's a lot more shark sightings for sure yeah but the wind this you got to go in the morning the wind is like around you know typically same here you know around one or two o'clock that's when it really comes in but but this place is famous Jupiter Florida is famous for well a lot golfers is a lot of the pro golfers live on Jupiter island which is the fancy part of Jupiter and then wind surfing like kite surfing where they leave the ground. Oh, yeah. And they take off. Oh, I could watch that shit all day. These people, as men and women, they are in such insane shape.

They fly in straight at the beach, like on a wave. And then they turn out. And as they turn, they go up into the air. And it's incredible. They told me that you have to train, you have to take like a three month course before they'll let you go out and even try it. Oh, wow. Yeah.

They'll fly away. And then I got here and my mom made me take an Uber from the airport, which was nice. But I totally understood. I got it. They were having a 60s party at the condo. And it was really fun. Like all these old, people in their 80s dressed up with like wigs and furs. and flare leg jeans and tie-dye shirts,

and they were playing 60s music and had a trivia contest. Very funny. Why don't they just stay that way? I know. What's stopping them? Right. Have a 60s building.

Have a 60s building. Yeah. And take acid and free love. Why not? Never pick your kids up at the airport, have a mover. It's me. me, me, me.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah, it was funny. And one of the women who was on the younger side was kind of flirting with me. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't call her a cougar.

It was more of an alligator, like something that lives longer than a cougar. You could kind of blur the line and say it's a woman from the 60s. She's in her 60s. She's in the 60s. That would be fine. That's age appropriate. And then we went to this restaurant last night. I forget it was called Good Food, Nice atmosphere, and it had a lounge, and this woman was singing.

And she was old. She was old. And she was not good. And she, it's like I literally almost said to the waiter, because we couldn't see her. You could hear her, but there was a wall. And I always said, is she okay? Does she need help? Is she choking or being strangled or something?

People are still hungry listening to this? Yeah. And she didn't take a break. I mean, we were there for an hour and a half, and she kept, I kept going, she's got it. She's got to take a break after Hungry Heart. She's got to take a break after Inagadavita. She did Hungry Heart. Yeah.

She put her in her. Florida. Let me look up Jupiter. There it is. Jupiter's not far from your dad. It's about 20 minutes away. Not at all. And Palm Beach Gardens is... I should have gone and seen your dad this week. Palm Beach Gardens is kind of blowing up from what I hear, which is... That's where we... Come in!

That's where we just were. That's where we went to the lawyer today, Palm Beach Gardens. Nice. And then you... Wait, hold on. I've got to let this guy in. Hold on. Juneau Beach. That's the guy from the 60s, man. He's there to fucking sell you weed. Here doing the air conditioning. Her entire building has, all the air conditioning units are on the roof,

and they're replacing them and putting them on stilts. And today's our day, so the guy is in here fixing the thermostat. Nice. You don't want mold. Okay, great. Down. Okay. Perfect.

Thanks. I got to leave the air conditioning on for an hour. You should warn them that your mom's in a sundress without any underwear on. was part of the 60s party. And she was eating pot brownie. She's a little friendly right now. Oh, please. Double check with me no matter what she asked.

And everybody says, every single person says. My mother will be like, oh, Greg, this is, this is Lainey. Hi, Lainey, nice to meet you. How long have you been here? No, when did you get here Sunday? When are you leaving? Like, every single person. When did you get here?

When are you leaving? Same thing. Remember, that was the big thing in the Hamptons. It would be like, how long did it take you to get out here? When are you going back? That's literally the first two questions from everybody out in the Hamptons. And then half of them, they just walk away. My mother would be like, this is my son.

He's a comedian from Los Angeles. He's down visiting me. And they're good friends with her. And they'll go, it's so nice to meet you. And then they just walk away. I'm like, where are you going? We're in Florida. Like, what is so engaging that you don't want to talk to the comedian from Los Angeles for three minutes?

Well, my AC is being fixed today. It's a very tough week. You kidding me? And then there's the ones you can't get rid of. It might be because they're familiar with your podcast. That could be it. The immediate walk away. Yeah.

They don't want to be the guy who fell over in his chair that's being talked about on the podcast. Here's Mr. Luz the algorithm. Yeah, we've been good so far today. Well, let's keep it going. You know, there's a comment from a listener later about this exact subject. All right, let's get into today's logo. Yeah.

Jane may have sent this in. If it looks vaguely familiar, this is the, we talked last week about how much it hurts us when we see bad friends on the charts ahead of us. and, you know, it's Santino and Bobby. And so somebody made, Jane made this of us as them. Maybe that'll help us. She sort of kept the Asian thing a little for you. Yeah, well, I think what it is is if she had made my eyes slanted, I would not have put this up. But what she did was very tricky.

She made my eyes round, but she made my glasses rectangular. so it's only catching the horizontal part of my eyes. Do you notice that? So she kept it tricky, which is also Asian. So it works. Yes. All right. And then the song this week from Ryan Impink, what did you think of that?

I'll tell you what. That's not AI. It's not AI. That's a fact. I like it. Thank you very much, Ryan. It's not even really I. Right.

He is the guy that sent us a song with his daughter recently. He's down, I think he's in Brazil or someplace. Oh, man, that's so lovely. Yeah, yeah. It's so sweet. Thank you. Thank you, Ryan. And then as far as corrections go, either you guys are dropping the ball or we're on our game

because there were zero corrections last week. No, there might have been, hold on, you're right, none. to you. If I really had to look at something, a lot of compliments in the in the comment section, a couple of dings. A couple of dings.

One guy goes, I got nothing. Great episode. Thank you dirty Dan's. A couple on how my hair looked last week. I think it was because I was wearing a helmet all day and my hair was probably greasy up there.

Why were you wearing a helmet? That's not, I was skiing. in Wyoming. That's not Mike's hair. It's always fluffy pale brown. Now it's light ashy charcoal. By the way, it looks great. Thank you. Orange, you funny. Maybe the lighting, but Mike looking like a Springsteen doppelganger in this episode. I don't know what that means, but thank you. I've never thought of that. You do look like Springsteen a little bit. Oh, God. So then, oh, my new haircut maybe. Tight on the sides. I guess that's what he's going with. I guess this was a correct clarification.

This guy says the quick sand joke was Adam Carolla. He's been saying it for years. It wasn't him, but I'm not denying that he also talks about it. Corolla's talked about everything. You literally, if you were to bring up any joke, you could say Carolla

had a bit like that. The guy does five days a week for three hours a day and he's funny and prolific. He's going to cover it. Let's see. Yeah, that's about it. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Tour dates coming up to St. Patrick's Day's show, 20th anniversary, March 17th at the L.A. Improv. Pick those up. That always sells out. Janesville, the Comedy Cabin March 20th through 21st. That will absolutely not sell out. Bakersfield at the Well, April 18th.

That'll be about three quarters filled. Escondido Grand Comedy Club, April 24, 25, those will sell out. Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. We'll see. It's early. Also, always, we want to give a shout out to the outstanding job that Gotham Production Studio. They're great, and they are doing tons of great videos. You will have noticed on our social media accounts.

You can now, there are social media accounts specifically for Sunday Papers. and for Fitzdog Radio, apart from ours. So you can go to those if you want to just see content from those shows. Also, we want to talk about, you know, we're all going to die. Some of us sooner than others. So if you're somebody that has, maybe you've got little kids, maybe you've got a wife that never worked and has no skills. she's not going to make any money.

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Good read. I felt like that was a really good one. And by the way, folks, you know, you're not getting a discount when you do that. That's just so they know we sent you. And it's really important to the show that you enter that promo code so that we get the credit and they continue taking ads so we can pay, you know, alimony and you don't pay alimony anymore, do you? Nope. That's phased out.

Nice. What are you doing with the extra money? I should come up with a very fast, witty answer, but I don't. Oh, I'm Cal She. Probably all my Cal She bets. Yeah. I bet Christy Nome would get fired. so I've doubled all my money.

All right, let's talk about that. Here we go, front page. Trump says he's replaced in Christine Nome, the Homeland Security Secretary's combative Senate hearing this week was a key factor. Trump on truth social said, quote, I am pleased to announce that the highly respected U.S. senator from the great state of Oklahoma, Mark Wayne Mullen will become the United States Secretary,

of Homeland Security Effective March 31st. The current Secretary Christine Noam, who has served us well and has had numerous and spectacular results, especially on the border, exclamation point. Shouldn't it only be on the border? I mean, wasn't that her job? She will be moving to special envoy for the Shield of the Americas, our new security initiative in the Western Hemisphere that we are announcing. Saturday. So spoiler alert. They're announced setting Saturday in Florida. I thank Christy for

her service at homeland. Meanwhile, what is this? The Special Envoy for the Shield of America. That's like the, that's eight words that say she's now unemployed. Like I'm the special envoy to the coat of arms of late mornings. Yeah, yeah. Sounds very official. Yes. I am the special envoy in the public bus to the welfare office. She's not the special envoy to her country club anymore. I'll tell you that much. She's not the special envoy onto private jets that have queen-sized beds in the back. Does this mean she gets deported, by the way?

I think that's how this job should end, that ICE shows up at her office, picks her up, takes her to El Salvador. She's got to take herself out back and put two slugs right in the back of her head, which is what she's done before to another life. So she knows when someone's had their run. Like, this is the, that's the very, what is it? The kind, humane way to take someone out. Yes. Yes.

Right. Adios. Here are some of the things she leaves in her wake. Safe America Media, which was awarded $143 million from her organization there, was... There's no address, no website. And somehow it's connected to her. And it was created 11 days before getting over $100 million. Yeah.

And then she also was... linked to a company, the strategy group, has deep ties to Nome and her aides was a subcontractor on the $220 million campaign. And she's one of those people that just won't answer. They ask her direct questions, and then she just spews out platitudes. Well, you can't do that when there's a Senate investigation. If she is not investigated, then we've lost all control of the government, because this chick is dirty. her husband was sitting behind her and I love that they asked the question about the person that she slept with and they knew under oath that she wouldn't deny it and so she didn't

she just called it a stupid question right Cory Lewandowski yeah wow it was pretty it was a nice moment it was a really cool moment I thought well See ya. Let's get to... So betters... Betters waged $54 million on Khomeini's death, and now they're not getting paid. When he learned Saturday about the killing of Iran's Ayatollah Ali Khomeini,

the Israeli-American business executive, this guy, in New York, was excited to cash in. On the prediction market, Kulshi, sorry, the executive, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, due to concern over what his friends would think, had placed two bets totaling $3,400 that Khomeini would be out as supreme leader by March or April 1st. His Kalshi app placed a green checkmark next to his bets, indicating he won and the payouts would be worth more than $63,000. minutes later however coli froze the 54 million dollar trade for everyone who bet on that scenario saying the site doesn't allow transactions directly tied to death the change triggered an online uproar as kalshi users flooded social media to argue the site it unfairly robbed them of winning bets

guy goes i was booking my trip to the french alps then they changed the rules and everybody got screwed. Kalshi heavily promoted the trade to betters on its homepage and app and in its push notifications before the Khomeini's death was publicized. Kulshi also tweeted the morning of the strike that the odds Khomeini is out as supreme leader have surged to 68%. Anyway, it goes on and on. But yeah, they reversed it on these people who bet on it. Yeah, they said that basically they have a ban on predictions. that relate to people getting killed. So, I mean, look, this guy, this executive was from Israel.

What are the odds that guy might have a little bit of information about when Kamani is getting killed? Oh, well, first of all, they think so many people in the administration are betting. On the attack activity, all these bets went in favor of the attack before certainly the morning before our attack. Oh, and they were all new accounts. They were brand new accounts. Yeah. It's disgusting. Well, I guess people, I mean, look, Kamani's dead.

Maybe this isn't a bad strategy. This would have saved us billions of dollars on airstrikes. You just motivate Bobby Bag of Donuts from Nassau County to go leave his apartment, his parents' basement, sneak into Iran and take out Kamani for the $63 grand. Yeah, bet on yourself, Bobby Bag of Donuts. Yeah. Believe in yourself. You know, someone did someone did that breakdown.

Remember when people were throwing dildos onto the WNBA courts during games? So all of a sudden there was these prediction market bets on what color dildo would be thrown next. And someone did the math of what fine you would get if you throw it. But if you threw like, I think it was a white dildo or something, the odds were tremendous against it being a white dildo. So someone broke it down And how much money you can make If you got into that game And of course you'd be able to sneak it in

You know where to put it When you're sneaking into the stadium And then you just take that dildo out Hopefully it's still white And you thucked that thing on the court Payday Didn't you have some joke about how People threw them on the court

But of course this is the WNBA So nobody caught it Yeah no one would catch it Of course I don't even think they could throw it off the court. And they couldn't even block it. The sound of it thudding on the floor was like one of their shots, so they never even noticed it.

It bounces about as high as one of their dribbles. Yeah, very slow removal of the dildose from the court. You remember my joke about, who is the NBA NBA player who was in the Russian jail? Griner. Something Griner? Yeah, I think it is.

Griner, yeah. Griner. So she was in the Russian jail and then I guess we captured like a weapons dealer from Russia and then we exchanged the Russian arms dealer for her

and it was the first time anybody had been aware of a trade in the WNBA. Yeah, and no other trade will come close. I think it might be the most expensive trade in all of sports history. And how lopsided. Unbelievable. Well, and also, if you're going to make a trade in the WNBA, one of those people is going to bomb anyway. Probably both of them.

So some people see aliens while on DMT, and researchers want to find out what they can teach us. So a web of electrodes covered Anton Bilton's scalp like a jeweled headdress. The machine would map his brain activity while the DMT coursed through an IV drip and into his bloodstream. With some trepidation, he waited to be plunged into an otherworldly realm. I didn't know when they were going to turn it on. He says, it was eight minutes of having your head in a guillotine waiting for it to drop. Then, like a rocket ripping out of the Earth's atmosphere, he arrived. and he knew he was being watched,

not only by the humans back in the hospital. I like how they say back in the hospital. That's where he's sitting. But also by a bunch of alien beings within the DMT realm itself. For the guy, one of the goals behind DMTX is to study an especially strange aspect of the DMT experience. Proceed encounters with non-human. seemingly super intelligent entities. On March 18th, he and a team of experts will launch a new

psychedelic retreat center slash research facility on the tiny Caribbean island of Bakia. Is this, Epstein's vacated island? And it's aimed in part at establishing sustained two-way communication with these beings for the mind. He refers to it as a search for extraterrestrial intelligence. All right, a lot to unpack there. Jeez. Well, I mean, if you want to meet with, where, what's the phrase? If you want to have an encounter with non-human seemingly super intelligent entities, just take some meetings with some agencies in Hollywood. You know, before DMT, it was drunk Hicks near a cornfield. Those were the guys who were in touch with our aliens. All of them had the same story. Just go get those guys again. You don't need an island. Do you get

anally probed on the DMT? Is that part of the package? I know. I mean, it's a little like the matrix where you're going to like plug yourself in, close your eyes, and then you're off and experiencing and seeing things. So yeah, it's pretty wild that they're going to do. I mean, Who's paying for these drug takers to communicate with them? Imagine, though, if this is clearly something I can't understand. But it's like three guys in a room. They all take DMT. And then they think they might be talking to the same guys, extra trust real guys.

Was there any overlap of, like, them seeing the same experience as each other? I think that's what they're not trying to find out. Oh, I see. Okay. Well, look, if you want to see a bunch of. aliens. You don't have to take DMT. Just take a flight to Miami and Uber it out to Alligator Alcatraz. Yeah. And you will see all the aliens you ever want to see. It gives new meaning to I'll see you in my dreams. Yeah. It's kind of along those lines. Uh-huh. I'm interested. We're going to stay on top of the story.

I want to hear what happens on this island. Uh, as, as crazy as the subscription is, it's not nearly as weirded what happens on other islands down there. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's probably pretty true. There's a reason why people go to islands. It's that whole what stays happens in Vegas. If you go to an island, you really do feel detached from the mainland and regular rules and what's okay. Like, people party hard on islands and they fuck more. Yeah, even like Martha's Vineyard.

Mantucket, Alcatraz. So much more fucking. Yes. No, but by the way, imagine when they're applying for like the permit to do this down, they're like, okay, here's a bunch of rich Americans. They got an island and what do you want to do here? And then they just grab all this. They're like, that's fine.

Yeah. Compared to what we're being scrutinized for recently, that's fine. Right. Which world leaders are going to be taking the DMT? By the way, I am watching, I'm almost done with this four-part series on Hillary Clinton. Is it a documentary or is it a book? It is. It's on Hulu.

So actually, our friend Beth, who's an executive there probably is the one that green-lit it. But, you know, it's very pro-Hillary. You know, it's told from that point of view. So you got to watch it with, you know, some sunglasses on. but man she put up with a lot with Bill. I mean, she knew he was cheating from the get-go. And then, you know, he was accused of raping a girl. He was accused of showing his dick to a girl in a hotel room.

And then he had a long affair. And then he had like a fucking 20-year affair with this other woman. Really? And she, yeah, and she just, and he kept lying to her about it. Like from the time. When they first bought up, Monica Lewinsky, they brought it up. She asked him, is it true? He said, absolutely not.

It's in the news. It's made up. I was alone with her once. Nothing happened. She's a, you know, she's a publicity seeker. And then nine months later, she wakes up to finding out it's absolutely true and he's admitting to it. How do you fucking stay?

Like, it's one thing if, like, you have an affair and you get busted, then, you know, there's a chance your wife is going to say, look, we've been together 25 years. It was a misstep. He told me about it. But it's another thing to lie for nine months while the world is talking about it. Fuck that.

So they confirm that he lied to Hillary? Oh, they both talked openly about it. They were very... Bill's in this thing? Yep. And he admits it. He talks about his feelings of shame. He talks about...

They said, why did you do it? And he said when you've got the pressure of the world on your shoulders and you just feel like every decision you make could affect millions of people and then you've got a chance to just escape that for 10, I mean, a little while. He literally said for 10, a little while. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Well, you know, the documentary I want to see is on the girlfriend of 20 years.

Do you know how much she put up with? Yeah. More than Hillary, I mean, 20 years, it's like, wait a minute, you're married? Yeah. Never mind, you're sleeping with all the women that are offending Hillary. But, like, yes, she got even the shorter end of the stick. Well, he is. He was married to him.

I've never spoken to anybody that met him who did not feel under his spell immediately. He has more charisma than anybody's ever seen. Yeah, I've met him. And he does make you, it's one of those, like, He's like super focused and it's very charming. It's kind of like when you met Tom Cruise. Where did you meet Clinton? Mr. Galefinacus brought me to Clinton's 50th birthday party at the Hollywood Palladium.

Nice. And it was a dinner and I was his plus one. And then I was going to send out, I think I sent out a birthday card. It's happy, Merry Christmas from me and the Hicks because it was me, Zach and Clinton. And then Jerry Lee Lewis, they had two musical acts. Jerry Lee Lewis was one, and I had never seen him. So, and that was great. Who's a pedophile?

And then Stevie Nix. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Like his favorite album. I just can't believe he'd have Jerry Lee Lewis. He was fucking his cousin when she was like 13.

I mean, isn't he still? He married her. He married her. He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and all, right? Isn't he still? I just think if you're Bill Clinton, you stay clear or anything. Well, that was a long time ago. Well, it happened when I was probably early to mid-60s, mid-60s.

And he got married, and then I guess it kind of flew under the radar in this country. He got to England and he had a tour set up all over the UK. sold out tour, everybody canceled. They ended up having to cancel the whole tour because they were outraged about it over there. Right, right. All right, what is this one now? This is your story.

Aaron Spencer defeated Lone Oak County Sheriff, John Staley. So there's a guy who ran against the sheriff in the primary elections. They don't say it was, oh, for Arkansas, speaking to Arkansas. Yeah. Arkansas Secretary of State. He would not be able to serve if he is convicted of killing Michael Fossler, 67,

who at the time was out on bond after being charged with numerous sexual offenses against Spencer's then 13-year-old daughter. So the guy who won for Secretary of State killed a guy who sexually assaulted his 13-year-old daughter. All right, Arkansas. Yes. So Spencer's attorneys do not deny that he shot and killed Fossler, but maintained he acted within the law to protect his child from a predator. Spencer won. Yeah.

Let's see. You pleaded not guilty. Spencer has pleaded not guilty and is out on bond while awaiting trial, which was originally scheduled to start in January. It was delayed. Court documents show that on the night. night of the 2024 shooting,

Spencer woke up to find his daughter missing from her bedroom and went searching for her in his truck. He found the girl in the passenger seat of a vehicle Foster

was driving. Spencer eventually forced Fossler's truck off the highway and after the altercation called 911 to report he had shot the man. Prosecutors argue

Spencer had planned to kill Fossler even before that night and that he could have called police while pursuing Fossler. So, you know, in Arkansas, that's okay. That's okay. I would imagine his campaign head was like, listen, I'm a doer.

If there's a problem in front of me, I'm not going to schedule a million meetings about it and go through the proper channels. I get things done. I'm active. I act. I don't sit around and wait for things to happen. And I don't worry about red tape or law books. I mean, look, I applaud the guy.

If somebody assaulted my 13-year-old daughter, dead. Dead. Oh, I know. But I guess if I- On crime. Take it from me. Now a criminal. I am so tough on crime.

Yes. Well, I don't think. So I guess he's out on bail awaiting the trial. We got to wait to see what happens to this guy. The question is, was it self-defense? Obviously, well, if you're defending your daughter, it's sort of self-defense. Well, if he won, he should pardon himself immediately. Right.

Well, he's running against the county sheriff. So the guy he's running against probably came and arrested him. I like this story. Yeah. All right. All right, ethical question? All right, ethical question. question.

Here we go. What do we got? All right, I got three for you. The first one is, is it okay to build a factory that pollutes the environment in a town that desperately needs jobs? Is this an ethical question? Yeah, say you're somebody who builds factories. No, I know, but I'm kind of like every factory seems to pollute. So my instinct is to say, yes.

I mean, he's rolling back all. He's allowing everything. Pollution's back, baby. Calls back. Clean Sky's initiative. It's back. That means we pollute. Yeah.

Peace. How about the peace, whatever, is think, you know, they're already, how much this East president has already bombed three countries. Oh, no. Did you hear his quote? He said, we brought peace back to the Middle East. It's so peaceful. It's so peaceful.

They're canceling all the flights because it's so peaceful. Yeah, yeah. All right, second one. All right, you see a big guy and he's beating up his six-year-old. Let's say daughter. Oh, okay. And you're like walking in an alley behind a building. Yeah.

Do you intervene? Absolutely. I've always been right. I've always been, I like, yeah, I get involved and maybe to a fault, especially now with my age. But I used to feel very, you know, some of it was a little misguided. But like even walking at streets at night or late or even like if I'm in New Orleans and I'm like, I always tried to break up fights. Yeah.

And it's probably not that wise. Sometimes maybe the fight's justified. I don't know. I'm coming into it late. Okay. But I mean, my God, in this case, a young child is being hit. Nothing would stop me. I mean, the guy might stop me.

Yeah. But he won't stop me from trying. All right. I like it. People like Mike Gibbons. Even people in Philly like Mike Gibbons right now. Oh, but I would try to confuse him. I'd be like, what the, what are you doing, disrespecting your father?

Like I would just start screaming at her and that would probably confuse him even and the beating would stop for a little bit. That's good. I saw my brother do that one night. We were out in the Hamptons and he got into a fight at a party and the guy was bigger. And my brother started acting like a complete lunatic saying, crazy things and like jumping up and down and the guy was just like what the fuck I just left him alone it's like you you take off your pants that's your first move in a fight that's right because nobody wants to fight a guy with no pants and an erection there it is you're excited about it

also I'd maybe roll up my sleeves I walk towards this abusive dad like what can I get a turn can I get a turn got to be like what the fuck because all of a sudden you put him in a position where he has to defend his daughter. You're right, you're right. You know, the tables have turned. Yeah. All right, here's one that came up. I had Brad Williams in my podcast this week.

If people don't know him, he's a dwarf. And he was talking about, no, this is, he is, he's a dwarf. Is that technically, is that how he refers to himself? Yeah, yeah. He says he has dwarfism and he's a dwarf. I don't know. I know there's different, okay, go ahead. So he talks about how people have tried to, if he gets into a fight, like people always try to defend him.

And so the ethical question is, if you just come around the corner, you don't know how it started or who's in the wrong, you see a little person fighting a woman. Who do you help? I mean, my first reaction is I'd like to pull up a chair and watch that for a while. Yeah, you got to first get past the wall of people with their phones out videotaping it. I'd also make sure Carl She was updated on my phone and then I would maybe post this fight for wagers. You know, when I did the, with Norm McDonald, we did a thing, a sports show on Comedy Central. And one of the stories one week was this very violent fight that happened in the winter's circle after a horse race. between two jockeys.

And Norm goes, the fight was described as incredibly violent and adorable. So that's a little what I'm thinking here as well. Yeah. Yeah. So. And then I had another one. I made a note, but I don't know what bad news means. So we'll skip it.

Okay. Let's go to Britney Spears. Britney Spears, here we go. She was, is this under our ethical question? I guess so. Oh, is it? I don't know. What would this be under?

No, I think it's entertainment. All right, here we go. We're doing entertainment, people. I mean, this isn't exactly entertaining, but Brittany Spears was arrested in Ventura, California, yesterday, Wednesday, for a DUI. The pop superstar was handcuffed by the California Highway Patrol around 9.30 p.m. And she was booked, that's early.

And she was booked by the sheriff's department around 3 a.m. She was released from jail around 6 a.m. Brittany was by herself when cops pulled her over in Westlake Village, not far from her home. She was taken to a hospital immediately after she was pulled over. TMZ has learned, huh? Well, here's the weird thing. I, my take on this is when I read the news, I was like, oh, good, she's okay. Okay. That's where I am on her. Like, oh, good. She's just doing normal things. Like getting a DUI in the valley.

Yeah. And also, that's all it was? Alcohol? No, by the way, it doesn't say that. Maybe I shouldn't assume that. So she was handcuffed at 930 and she wasn't booked until 3 a.m. Doesn't it seem like a star like that would get processed right? right away. Like, what happened between 10 o'clock and 3 a.m.? Not only that, then you jump from 3 a.m. to when she was released at 6 a.m. Yeah. She was by herself, which seems like her life right now.

Have you ever seen her videos? It's always just her alone dancing. She did a dance last week where her tits kept popping out. And they had to put little stars over them so you couldn't see them. and she's in a, I think she was doing that DMT on that island. Maybe the police are like, listen, we were ready to let her go at 9.45, but she just kept dancing for us. Then at 3 a.m. we had a meeting. We're like, go. We pushed her out.

She came back in, dance till six. Yep. Oops, I did it again. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I remember we had a friend from college, Colleen. who she originally was in politics. Wasn't she like doing... She worked in the Obama White House. Right.

She worked in the Obama White House. And then she ended up working for... Marie-Clair Magazine. No, then Us Weekly. And us, maybe it was us. It was one of the tabloid magazines. And they had her following Britney. And she was in L.A.

And she's sitting in my living room and she's got her phone out. And she's following Britney around town because this is when she had shaved her head. and she was really having a meltdown. Yeah. And she was writing the story. So she had to keep chasing her around L.A.

Well, next week we should maybe talk about, speaking of Colleen, is my daughters are watching the John, John, and Carolyn Beset. Oh, I can't. And my daughters now can't believe and didn't know how well I knew, Carolyn. And so maybe we talk about that next week, because I remember my dad's funny line.

Like, so the day after she, and John died and Carolyn's sister too. My dad called us, is like, is that my house on the front page of the Daily News? Because I think Colleen was involved with the Daily News and Colleen had photos of Carolyn when she came like, you know, over for the weekend to my place when a bunch of us partied there. Do you think you could watch this or would that be too hard? Well, you know, it's one of those things now because I'm in the business. like one of those things we were like, boy, they are really pretty far off on this. But I wouldn't be bothered, I don't think.

Yeah. But we can talk about it next week. I mean, I also saw her the last time. She was on a corner walking her dog, waiting for John, and she wanted me to meet John, which he was so delayed. It didn't happen. But I will say she was, I also might not know what I'm talking about, because she seemed very different than the Carolyn we knew at BU and the few years after BU. She really got caught up in like worldwide focus and paparazzi pressure.

Yeah. And I can't imagine what that does to you. Also, thinking that you're the center of the world, which is what they must make you feel like. So anyway, we'll talk about that next week. Meanwhile, another famous friend of ours, we talked about last week. So I put this in here. Andy Dick is in the news this week. He reveals the devastating damage to his brain caused by a near fatal overdose.

The troubled comedian, who's 60, opened up about the scary incident while on the Howie Mandel podcast on Tuesday. Howie's like, you were dead? Were you dead? Did your heart stop, like legitimately clinically dead? Although Dick confirmed that his heart stopped while he was not breathing after the overdose. He also clarified that he had no recollection of the incident. until waking up in the ambulance. This is not funny, and I don't remember this,

but they say, I came back to life, sat up, and the first thing out of my mouth was, where's the vodka? Oh, my God. Wait, was this Chelsea Handler or Andy Dick? He added, no, this is much, I don't think Chelsea would ever say something that funny. He added, I don't remember I was still out of it,

just coming back from death and Narcaned up. I was out of my mind. Wow. Yeah, the night, if the night doesn't end with Narcam, you didn't really push yourself. Yeah. So maybe we should have him on, or you should have him on your podcast.

He's doing podcast now. All right, I'm going to text him. I'm going to text him right now. I bet you he gets back to me before this podcast is over. He loves you. He loves me. I think I have faded from his memory a little bit,

but I was, real favorite it is. And I remember, so at Tosh Point O, there was going to be this new Hitler movie that was coming out. So Andy's idea as a guest star on Tosh Point O was, what must the auditions for Hitler be like? And so he goes, Gibbons is going to play the Hitler before me. And then I interrupt the audition. I'm very anxious to do my Hitler. And Tosh is like Gibbons will not be playing Hitler. He's like, Gibbons is playing Hitler. He's like, Gibbons is playing. If you go to IMDB, my acting credit is Hitler. Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

Which my daughters also found out at a ripe young age. All right, I just texted him. So, yeah, I mean, the thing about Andy is, like, most people's night ends at IHop or, you know, Denny's. His ends up in the back of an ambulance. And I really think there's a part of him that goes like, yeah, I don't. did it. I did it. My buddy is a volunteer, but he's not really volunteer. I guess he's paid $2 or whatever for the West Hollywood Police Department. And he, full on, man, went through all the training. I think that's why he can't be a volunteer. Went through all the training, has a gun,

gets a patrol car alone, and he's very good at what he does. And he would tell me stories off the record that like, all of a sudden be like, disturbance at the, and it was this apartment building that was in West Hollywood. And literally you'd hear like a very official dispatcher, disturbance like at the apartment, blah, and then you would just hear someone very groggly from a car be like, is it Andy again? And dispatcher's

like, uh, confirmed. Does he have his own number yet? I think what it was. Is it a 1047? Is it a 1047? Yep. Andy had his own code. I think what it was is Andy owned that apartment building and

would often get in situations there. Yeah. Yeah, with the tenants and all. I had done a pilot with him before that I had to, you know, make it with him. And then they didn't get picked up. And then they asked me to come back. I had a meeting set up.

And I said to the guy when he called me, the network guy, I go, I'm not going to do it if Andy drinks while we're shooting. He can't drink while we're shooting. Yeah. He's fine with that. He's fine with that. He's doing good. He's on a good path. I talked to him about it.

He said he won't drink while shooting. I said, I literally will leave in the middle of production. Okay, you got it. So we set up a meeting, and I go to the guy's office, and Andy's there, and I walk in, and he has three empty Budweiser on the floor, and he's got his legs on the guy's desk. And I just walked in, and I went, thanks for having me. And I just turned around. I walked right out. Really?

Yeah. And then that time, whatever, I've told the story before, but we basically broke. into Lady Gaga. We did literally break into the Lady Gaga concert at Staples Center. And I just followed him. That's all I did. It was unbelievable. Yeah, he is truly funny, though. He's one of the most gifted improvisers I've ever seen. He's really,

really funny and fast. Yeah. All right. We're making America Florida now. Florida. And Andy kind of is a Florida, man. A lot of his stories, the ones even we just told are a very Florida man. But This Florida man, for a change, is, I guess the word I'll use is impressive in my book. Here we go.

Florida man used taco seasoning packets to steal $40,000 worth of goods from Target. A Florida man is facing retail theft charges after local authorities say he used taco seasoning packets as a ploy to steal. This is a guy, Keith from Palm Beach, he's 39, was arrested last week. So it was an organized retail fraud scheme where he would, let me find, grab multiple large boxes of trading cards and an equal number of 99 cent taco seasoning packets. He would bring his items to the self-checkout line, but he would only pay for the seasoning packets. Authorities say that Wallace would resell the stolen trading cards on eBay, generating nearly 40 grand in revenue. from the stolen goods. How about that?

That's a spicy fraud. Well, he probably bought a ton of ramen noodles, and he just had a party. I mean, did I ever tell you about my, I never collected baseball cards. And then when I was starting out in comedy, if you were a young comic in Boston, your job was to do 10 minutes at the beginning

of the show and drive the headliner from his house to the gig and home again because all the headliners were Cokeheads that had lost their license and gotten DUIs. So I pick up this guy, Mike Donovan, one of the great comics I've ever known in my life. Nobody knows him. He's a Boston comic. He's fucking brilliant. And he's a pothead and he's really low energy. So I pick him up at his apartment.

I drive him to Providence, Rhode Island. Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night. and it's about an hour and 15 minutes from Boston, and he does not say a word to me in either direction. I'm trying to start conversations. He just grunts nothing. So we finished the final night. I dropped him off his apartment, and he goes, come on inside.

And I'm thinking, all right, he's going to get some cash. Usually they give you some gas money, you know, give you 50 bucks or whatever. So I go into his apartment, and he has me sit in the living room, and he disappears for like a half an hour. I smell pot smoke, and I'm like, did he get high and pass out? Like, what the fuck's going on? And this guy was a huge baseball card collector. He had file cabinets full of baseball cards.

So he comes out, and he hands me a stack of laminated cards. So there's like, you know, 16 cards in each stack, and they're in laminated sleeves, and there's probably about 10 sleeves. And I'm like, fucking great. This guy's giving me baseball cards, just what I need. So I go home and I look at them and they are rookie cards for a guy, rookie cards for a guy named Jose Konseko. What?

So I'm like, all right, I guess maybe this guy's going to be good, whatever. And I had them in this trunk, this storage trunk. And then when my aunt died in the Bronx, I went down to her apartment, went down to her house in the basement, opened up the trunk. And I was like, holy shit, these are Jose Kinseko. rookie card and there's like 50 of them so i go to the hobby shop and i walk in with a big smile on my face i plop them down i go all right how much you give me for these and he looks at them and he goes

well if you brought these in uh before the steroid controversy they'd be worth about two hundred dollars each he goes now 25 cents what yep i don't know i think he's kind of infamous i wonder what they're at now. Let me check. Yeah, you check that while I, so I have all these baseballs. When I was at HBO, I did a project on the Negro leagues and I went to Kansas City. Oh, it's not, Mike, it's not, it's not Negro. What are you talking about?

It's black. No, no, that's the official. It's African American. Okay. So I went there and talked about those fellas and I was doing a project and because HBO had a movie on Jackie Robinson. Oh, wait, I fucked up. Mark McGuire, not Jose Konseko, Mark

McGuire. Oh, okay. And McGuire, I mean, Konseko wrote the kind of tell-all book, though, about the drugging. So, anyway, I have all these baseballs. I have double duty Radcliffe's signature. I have, oh, the really well-known guy who was one of the most interviewed

in Ken Burns baseball. He was also the manager of the Newark team. God, I'm forgetting his name. And I have all these baseball signed by those guys. And I've always thought of talking to Sorrelli about it, our friend, who really has an extensive collection of baseball memorabilia. I mean, do you know the depth of Sorrelli's baseball collection? Oh, it's not just the cards.

He's got tenants. He's got jerseys. Yeah, he's got jerseys. He's got signed baseballs. I mean, it's insane. So anyway, I've always thought about giving him to them. And I, you know, I've moved like not only from the East Coast. I've moved like five times.

I move with them. They're in this closet, actually, I think. Hey, I got some good news here. Yeah. There worth hundreds or thousands of dollars. I'm sure they are. Yeah. He's infamous.

I think I have the tops ones. Damn. You should thank that guy, bro. All right. I'll send him some of the money. See, what I would do, this is always the ethical question. I asked you if you went to a garage sale and you got a piece of art and you paid 20 bucks for it. And then it turned out to be, you know, like a chagall, right.

A chagall. And it was worth $3 million. would you go back and give the guy at the garage sale any money? And you said absolutely not. I don't think there's any expectation. I would. I would give the guy at least 10%. Oh, all right.

Well, I didn't know it was going to be that meaningless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That's not meaning. You know, it could be hundreds of thousands of dollars. So what's the other thing? I thought I had something else I might look into selling. Anyway, so that's good. Yeah, man.

sell those things. Why not put them out there? Oh, I know what I was going to say. My dad gave me this bag. Me, my uncle John had it, a bag full of coins. Some of them I know were worthless. Like my uncle was collecting. Remember when they had quarters from each state? You know, and the goal and some were more rare is to get all 50, whatever. I don't think he has all 50. But my dad then goes, oh, one of the coins in there is worth like thousands or something like that. And I'm like, And he made sure he told me that like twice. But meanwhile, I think like he had his friend down there, look at them. And, you know, you could be off on just which 1970, like, Penny.

You know what I mean? It's like, oh, no. It's got to have an eagle on the back instead of a hawk or whatever. Exactly. This one, you know, Lincoln didn't have a Mohawk, which was a mistake or whatever. Yeah. So anyway, listeners should write in. I always feel self-conscious about getting one of those coin apps and taking a picture because aren't they tracking me and like will it trigger tons of mail and offers from people to buy if I actually scan a really valuable coin?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Or someone comes and breaks into your house. Yeah, I know. We shouldn't talk about Sorrelli like that. But he doesn't have them. He has them in a safety, safe deposit box. Oh, good. No, of course.

So you kidding me, he's sitting on mantle stuff and Babe Ruth stuff. My sister's neighbor, who's like her best friend, he collects Abe Lincoln memorabilia, and he's a lawyer. He's like one of the top music lawyers. He probably knew your ex-father-in-law. And he literally had so much that he started a museum in Peakskill, New York, like a good-sized museum filled with Abe Lincoln, like. And it was everything from, like, you know, journals that, you know, soldiers were keeping during the Civil War.

And it was like literally, it's crazy how much stuff he's got. So before St. Patrick's Day, we're going to go in New York first. That's why I'm not at your show. And anyway, we're going to Keene Steakhouse, which I know you like. Nice. Keens just bought the American flag that was draped on Lincoln's coffin. No. Yep.

And they're going to put it in the restaurant. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it's Keene's Chop House, by the way. It's, I think, one of the oldest restaurants. I think it might be the second or third oldest restaurant in New York. Yeah, I know it's up there for sure. All right, why do we get to make an American Kentucky game?

Let's do it. A Kentucky woman was arrested after federal agents intercepted a package from Poland containing when investigators said were Oxycontinent. pills hidden inside Lego pieces. I love this. Agents of the Department of Homeland Security. Yeah, Christy. Did Christy Noam do this? Contacted local police after seizing a package at Louisville Muhammad Ali International Airport. Court records state that the package addressed to Amber back, 41 years old, contained 100 oxycontin pills concealed inside Lego pieces. How about that?

Well, I mean, look, you know, if your kids acting crazy, you give him some Lego and it usually calms them down. This will calm them way down. Yeah, also, if you step on a Lego piece and you freak out, just listen, it's not going to hurt for long. Just turn it upside down and drop it in your mouth. Oh, my God, those sweet, sweet oxies. 100 pills doesn't sound like a lot, but this is, it's piece by piece that you build a drug empire. And I think that's what she was doing. I mean, literally to get 100, all you would need is to fake a migraine with your doctor and get three prescriptions.

Like, is it worth shipping it from freaking where? Poland? I don't know. It seems ridiculous. You're totally right. All right. Listen, let's get down to this day in history. Here it goes.

I love this. Look at this segue. Muhammad Ali. Actually, I shouldn't say that. Cassius. Clay took the name, Muhammad Ali, on this day, in what year, give or take four years? 62. Good for you.

64. Nice. By the way, it's a fast, you know, he's one of my heroes and Lincoln. We've covered two of them. It's a fascinating story, the name Cassius Clay. It was named, believe it or not, as tribute. to the slave owner of Muhammad Ali's grandfather, I believe. No.

He was a guy trying to make change, actually, or the son of him, which was Clay. But it's a great story. It's worth looking up. Okay, what are we going to do now? We're going to say, when do you think Nancy Reagan died in Los Angeles, give or take five years? All right, in office from 80 to 88. Husband died.

I'm going to say she died in 2009. 2016. I think it would be five years. Yeah, I didn't get it. You're outside of that. Journalist Walter Cronkite, boy, do we miss him. Known as the most trusted man in America, despite whatever flaws he had,

if anyone like that could be at CBS now. That's where he was at the CBS News. And on this day, he signed off for the last time as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. What year was this, give or take? I'm going to give you Gregorian seven years to get this. I feel like he broadcast in my lifetime, but I was a kid. So I'm going to say 1975. Oh, my God.

I gave you seven years, 1981. Yeah, baby. Look at you. All right, let me give you the Alamo in Texas. Fell to Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana. After a 13-day siege, never forget the Alamo. Was that it?

Remember the Alamo? Remember the Alamo. Never forget 9-11. It's already getting so good. No, never forget the Holocaust. You forgot. Oh, what's 9-11? Well, you also don't forget it.

But first, remember the Holocaust. 9-11's a hoax was the correct answer. So the Alamo fell to ALDSA, that guy, in what year, give or take. I mean, do you even know this? Should I give you 30 years? Yeah, give me 30 years. I'm going to give you 30 years. All right.

guessing this was before the Civil War. So it would have been in the early 1800s. I'm going to say 1820. 36. Nice. Very good, man. Well, I just remember that a lot of the soldiers from that Mexican-American war were later than fighting for the Civil War.

I'm going to give you 100 years on this. when was Michelangelo born? 1540. You did it, 1475. How many years did you give me? I gave you a hundred. I think you guessed a year when he was no longer alive. Well, I just read his biography, but I listened to it.

Every time I ask you something, Joan of Arc, Teddy Roosevelt, how many biographies do you go through? I literally hundreds because I've been listening for probably 12 years every single night for an hour a night. I just read slash listen to a heartbreaking book that won the Booker, I think, award, but it's called the God of Small Things. It is pretty heavy. Oh, I think I read that. Indian writer. She won all sorts of awards.

And it is, it is such. you know when this happened in atonement also and I'm talking like an idiot because I don't read that often. But it's one of those writers where you're just like, how did you find the words to describe that? That thing that was just a feeling or that plant that looks like that or that tree and they find this unbelievably cool way. Anyway, she did that constantly in this book. Yeah. Okay, here's an easy one. Catherine Bigelow became the first woman to win an Academy Award for Best Director.

It was Hurt Locker. She beat her husband in the award category. Give her take four years. When did she win for Hurt Locker? Well, it was about the Iraqi War. So I'm going to say 2017. 2010, pal. All right, last one, because I think this is tricky.

Not tricky, but I would probably get it wrong. American director and writer Stanley Kubrick. He's from the Bronx. He died in England on this day. In what year? I'm going to give you five years. All right, his last film was eyes wide shot, right? I think you're right.

So Tom Cruise and Nicole Kibner were still together, and he died after that. Don't forget, he was probably killed for that role, according to the conspiracy theorists, because it was about weird, rich people with their weird sex cults. All right, I'm going to go 2013. So I did not realize it was this early. You did the same thing I would have, 1999. No shit. Right?

Eyes Wide Shut was 26 years ago or longer, obviously, much longer. Well, I mean, Nicole, what's her name? Kidman. Nicole Kidman, I mean, she was only on gay husband number one, allegedly. So that was quite a way of way's back. One shot was 1999 He died the same year as he made

So he died in July 16th 1999 So wait a minute So he couldn't have He made it Oh that's when it came out Now that doesn't make sense What a coincidence

I'm looking at this I was in a bathroom today at John O'Grote's and on Pico, and they had a poster that you could go to the Hartford Civic Center to watch Frazier, the Frazier Ali broadcast coming from Madison Square Garden. And I don't know if it was this, here it is here, it has to be, yeah, the only one in Madison Square Garden. Joe Frazier retained his heavyweight championship by winning a 15-round decision over Muhammad. Adelaide in Madison Square Garden in New York City on this day. In what year, Greg, give or take four years?

1972. You did it, sir. 71. Yep. All right, we're good. We're good. We got out on a high note. All right, we did it. Let's get down to the letters to the editor.

Here's some letters to the editor. Anonymous, please and thanks, although abbreviated, said, the way you talk, this is on our YouTube channel, the way you talked about children was vile and disgusting, not funny, read the room. The room, you're in a closet. That's read the room. You need to read the room.

We literally get thrown off the algorithm every single week. I'm also assuming this is how we talk about our own children. Yeah, right. That's the room. Our kids are in the room. Now, this is what I teased earlier. I agree with Mr. C. Park, who wrote, something tells me Greg doesn't mind being kicked off the algorithm.

All right. I will say this. I am outraged that we are talking about literally the news. We are talking about items. that are being hidden by the government about p. And I just said it. I say that word. We're now off the algorithm.

Does that really kick you off? So we literally lose money because we're talking honestly about what's going on in the world. Well, can we be clever like other people who say. Beep that out. S.A. for, you know. Matt's going to beep that out.

Okay, good. Is that her only one? Well, then I said Can you say, can you say, beep it all out? All right, beep it all out. I don't even think you can do that. I think you have to, I forget, there's some rules. All right, let's get down to the funnies. A lot of complaints from people last week.

I forgot to give you a comic that you guys could write punchlines on for the comedy caption caption contest where every week we give out a coozy to the winner. you give us a punchline. You mail it into Fitsdog Radio at gmail.com. Make sure to put your name right underneath your little punchline. We'll pick the finalist and we'll judge. Next week's caption is a gentleman with a bald head and we're looking at him from behind.

He's watching TV. He's cracked a beer. There's another beer empty on the table. And he's watching TV and it is a figure skater, a young woman, and she has got her arms. out to the side and one skate on the ground and one very high in the air. And we're looking at her butt from behind.

May I say it for you? Huh? May I say it for you? It looks like she's presenting. She's presenting. If this was nature, if this was the Arctic and she was on a piece of ice and she was a polar bear, she would be presenting. I mean, her body is screaming, look at this.

Yep. Just to get the image across to you guys, it is very spread legs with the derrier quite high in the air. Yes. And the gentleman is, you know, looks a little creepy. Is derrier French? It's French for bottom. Is derrier? No, it's, I think it's behind.

So is it derrier? Is it derrier? Yeah. Why am I putting that American R? Della. Della. Oh, okay. Well, now.

All right. Let's get to the pros. Now it looks, now it's disgusting when you say it that way. There was only one really good lockhorn today. This was Leroy and Loretta are sitting at a party at a table. People are dancing in the background. And she says to him,

aren't you going to challenge me to a dance? That is so good. That is. So it reminds me of the onion I have called up. There's a lot of political ones, but I chose one that wasn't. It's so similar to this. It takes like a phrase we've known like forever and it turns it on its head a little bit. So this one is a couple just sitting on a couch like staring at the camera and the headline is, boyfriend ready to take relationship to previous level.

It's so similar to that. It's so great. Yeah, yeah, it's subtle. Those are perfect. Speaking of perfect, guess who's sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee? She's got on a rose. You know what? I'm just going to say it.

I wish I had towards myself half of the self-care that she does. It's so admirable. Oh, my God, the grooming. Her legs are always so smooth. Her hair is just quaffed. She's wearing a rose-colored. turtleneck, and dummy, of course, has on a white shirt with a red bow tie, as if he's, I don't know, a valet parking attendant. Even he makes an effort.

So he says, boy, I already feel beaten, haven't even gotten to work yet. And she goes, I'm sorry, honey. And then she goes, ready for this? Is there something that would help you feel better? Now, we don't even need to read the third caption because we know it's going to be about food or his laziness. So my mother's in the next room and can hear me. So I right now am biting my tongue about how I would describe the things that would be asked of her if I was Dagwood. Well, look at frame three.

I actually could argue it's still at a point at the end of the comic strip, at the end of frame three, where it could still go to where your crazy mind has gone. he says not going to work would be a great start. I mean, balls in her cork, right? Yeah, yeah, yep, yep. What could she say? I mean, the fact that he's even leaving the door open right now is shocking. It's progress.

It's progress, but at the same time, I don't want him to at this point. Oh, no. It would creep me out. Right. Also, like, is she to, is she like the Madonna now for you that she's a little untouchable? Not at all. She's untouchable because she's animated. And people say to me that I need to be more animated.

In this case, I really wish I was. Yeah, I think you're in a park car outside. You're dying for him to go to work. So the sooner he gets out of there. Yep. And then you come deliver the papers. And then Herb comes over to borrow a lawnmower, and I knife him in the gut. for being a part of, for even being a part of this world.

Wow. All right. All right, listen, we want to remind people, check out Fabric by Gerber Life. And when you go there, go to fabric.com slash papers, M-E-E-T, fabric.com slash papers. Check it out. We know you're going to feel better about yourself when you get some term life insurance. Mike, anything you want to promote? Well, no.

Next week we have a lot to talk about, man. We're going into March Madness. I might try to pull you in on that bet. And I think the Oscars are next Sunday. Oh, I think they are. So we should get our Oscar predictions. Okay. We're always so awful at those.

And let's continue that streak. And otherwise, listen, a big hello to your mom. Yep. And when do you leave there? Well, I go from here to Dallas tomorrow for two nights. You're going to miss the 70s party? I assume the 70s parties after the 60s party. They should do that.

I want to be here for the 20s party. Oh, my God. The Roaring 20s party? Yeah, I'll miss it. To the 2010s party. So, yeah, I'll be back on Sunday. And then I think Pete Scott might be in town. So we'll all hang out.

He's already here. Oh, nice. Okay. He's already here. from what I've heard, although he's hard to see. He's hard to see. He's shacked up, as they say. I know.

He comes to L.A. There's no Pete time anymore. I know, I know. I met her in Wyoming. Oh, nice. He also brought, yeah, also there. Okay. We'll talk about her next week also.

Yeah, sounds great. All right. All right. I think everybody can take it ish. Take itish. Okay. Introducing Greg and Mike. On the Sunday papers, and they'll give you the news,

although it isn't always accurate. Take it is. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 9-88, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a

train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.