Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 305 3/15/26

Episode Date: March 15, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Oscar picks and Mike loses a bunch of money on the Iran war. An app to stop men from masturbating has leaked their identities and Uber is getting rid of male drivers. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Sunday papers time. It's Sunday papers time. Get them, Greg and Mike. Read it. Sunday Papers. March is here. There he is. Oh, it's the aides of March today.

March 15th. Sure is. No one. That's fading fast. It stuck around. It stuck around for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years. Till this uneducated little era we're in. Well, I think we should bring back the era because it was like the ancient Romans,

which was basically Epstein's island of its day. Well, with Caligula and everybody, yeah. Sure. And a bunch of them, sure. I think it was the whole Senate. I think all the senators, the Senate pages back then. And we kept that tradition alive. I think back in the 70s, there was a lot of Senate pages getting, wasn't there a joke about how do they keep track of the long bills?

They just, they bend over the Senate pages. Yeah, and everyone knew that joke. Yeah. Welcome to the Senate pages. I just love when there's traditional jokes that are hearty heart, you tell with your parents, and they're about grape. Child grape. Oh, yeah.

You have a story in here about grape, I saw. Yes, we'll make sure we use all the right terms for it. All right, let's just tell people it's early in the morning. This is the earliest we've done the podcast. Now, a little backstory. So you text me like you do most weeks, like, all right, what's the schedules? You're on the road so much. I'm, like, I go to New York tomorrow.

and you're like Friday or Saturday. I go, I can't do Saturday. I'm on a plane all day to New York. So you're like Friday, great. And then you're like, listen, can't do early because I have a late set in town, which is very common for you to say. Meaning last night, yes. Last night, Thursday night.

It's Friday right now. You're like, so I can't do, I can't do early. I'm like, oh, all right. And I kind of only had early. I'm like, all right. So let's make it work. Whatever. Cut to.

I'm asked by the fellas. Hey, are you in for golf tomorrow at 9? I'm like, yeah, I can't. I go, I got to do the podcast because we agreed to do the podcast at like 9 a.m. Or maybe it was mid afternoon. So I'm like, I can't, I got to do the podcast.

Oh, we're going to do it at 11. And they're like, well, Greg's golfing. And I'm like, the 9 a.m. tea time? And that's how I find out. That's not too early for you. Not only that, but I was going to be going, I was going to leave the golf course early because I'm going over to do Good Day, L.A. at 1115. Yeah.

And so I totally spaced that, but then I said, what about playing at, what about doing it later? And you said, are you playing golf at 2 o'clock? Yeah. All right. So Mike's passive aggressive way of dealing with all this was just to this. then ghost me yesterday. No, no, no, no. I cancel the early golf because then, meanwhile, this is our little nine hole public course

so we can get out there whenever. But I was like, I go, no, I'll play later because we agreed to play early. And then the best is, though, yesterday, after all this, you're like, all right, you know what, let's just do Saturday. I'm like, I told you. I'm on a flight all day. Like, why even bother contacting me early in the week? Well, you know, I would do this over a phone call where we could figure the whole thing.

thing out instantly, but you don't answer your phone. You don't answer your phone. No one does. Come on, the kids understand that. It's actually invasive when somebody calls you now. It like, it, like, I immediately, we have a friend who's a caller. Yes,

Mikey Fitzgiven. We have a friend and maybe we're describing every friend group. We have one in our group and he's a caller and man, it's annoying. Yep. And I understand he's driving. My pulse race is because, Because I immediately think that somebody died when I get a phone call.

Is that what happens? Yes. Yes. Wow. It does. I think your memory dies every time I get a call from you. I'm like, what did he forget? Here we go.

I am doing good day, L.A. Because the St. Patrick's Day show, which you're going to miss. I know. I'm heading in New York tomorrow. And so I'm going on to promote that. I did the Woody show, which is a big radio show this week. I'm doing Klein and Allie on Monday. We got Sarah Silverman.

We got Adam Ray. As you know, Dr. Phil. Oh, I know. Adam, of course. We got Caroline Ray. We got Laura Kightlinger. And then we have a big, big surprise guest who won't allow me to say his name because he's doing, like, a huge theater show in town soon. And by, and these theater shows, they don't allow you to announce yourself on any of,

other show for like three months leading up to the to the theater show yeah yeah i've heard about i've heard about all those uh the legal stuff uh you know before so i head to new york tomorrow and then right from uh whatever jfk i get into the city staying at pete so although pita's not at all told me how i'm doing that uh have you stay there no all right so but tomorrow night seeing today Desky Trucks at the beacon. Well, they're in the news this week. Yesterday, Derek Trucks at auction just bought Jerry Garcia's guitar for $11.5 million. No.

Yep. It's all over. It's all over, at least my feed, which knows I like it. But it is all over. It's like a news story because Jerry Garcia's, regardless of Derek Trucks, Jerry Garcia's guitar sold for, I mean, I think the price was, 9 and a half million or something and then but with the fees and all that 11.5. I feel like you would put on Jerry Garcia's guitar. You would play a G chord and it would all fall apart and land on the ground

because he's played it so hard for so many years. Well also I don't know if it works without heroin. Yes. So we'll see. But anyway, I mean it's an impulse by man. It's a new purchase and I hope it comes out on stage. at the beacon. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

And then you're marching in the parade on Tuesday with your dad. Yeah, I mean, if it's raining, which it's supposed to, which I have, we both have so many memories of rainy parades in New York. I remember the Thanksgiving parade. It would rain constantly when I was growing up. But I wonder if my dad will go out there if it's really pouring. Of course, the old, old version of my dad, it wouldn't even be a question. and he'd be out there.

But I wonder what's going on. So we'll say. The weather in New York is insane. It's all anybody's talking about it. So like it was like 70 degrees out the other day. And then it went down to like snowing the next day. And now it's same things happening this week. It's going way up, way down, snow.

I swear to God, if I had to pick one month to not be in New York, it wouldn't be January, February. It would be March because March teases you. Ah, look at you. All right. Meanwhile, it's 80 degrees here all week. Not only that, no. So it, whatever. I know we're talking about the weather, so we'll keep it short.

But in Santa Monica, everyone thinks, oh, my God, sunny L.A. L.A. is sometimes 10 degrees hotter than Santa Monica, right? Like Santa Monica, Venice on the water. Makes sense. So even. 30 degrees. Well, I mean, the valley, it can honestly be 25 or 30 degrees hotter. But it never, even in August, it rarely,

gets in the 80s here. Like if it's 78, 79, that is a hot summer day in Santa Monica. Next Friday, next Thursday, 83 degrees in Santa Monica. It goes 82, 83, 81, 82. That's, I don't know what that's going to spell out for when it travels across the country. A lot of times that's really bad storms. I got back on Sunday from the road. I wrapped up like nine straight weekends on the road and I was totally burnt. I was so happy to be home. I got in on a Sunday and then O'Neill sends out a text, which you ghosted, saying, going to the beach, who wants to go watch sunset? So I take a fistful of magic mushrooms and I go down to the beach and we go and there was probably like 10 of us and we went into the drum circle and watched the sunset while 35 hippies.

play bongo drums, people dancing, hot chicks dancing, dogs playing, little kids. And then the sun goes down. It was the most beautiful sunset. I'm peaking on my trip. And then the Venice bike parade starts coming down the bike path, which if you've never seen it, Sundays at sunset, about, I don't know, 300 bikes all deck out. It's more than that. And it's the most annoying thing ever.

I love it. They're decked out in day glow, orange and green, and there's like... Boosers, boon-boxes. Hiffin hippies. Trailers with a pit bull wearing sunglasses on the back and someone's blasting the doors. And then we walked over to Mao's Kitchen, which if you ever go to Venice Beach, you're looking for a place to eat, Mao's Kitchen has been there for 25 years. It's so not overrated.

Oh, man. What a day you had. I do mushrooms all the time. I mean, this is the most positive review of a bunch of depressing things I've ever heard. Oh, you, no, you, why do you live here? Go, go move to Toluca Lake. The bike parade doesn't reach there? The pit bull with sunglasses doesn't reach there?

No, Toluca Lake is where all the retired actors walk around, walking their dogs, going to AA meetings, bumping into younger people, and. sucking the life out of them because they have nothing but time and they want to ask them what's going on in the business right now. I went to George Lopez lived into Luka Lake before his whole life fell apart. Personal life. Anyway, I'm at his Christmas party or maybe I was over there and we were writing over there or something.

But we're in his kitchen. He's like, hey, he's like, yo, yo. He's like, right, this is my view. And he's like pointing out the kitchen window. And across the street, it was help me with. the name. Her body is a Wonderland. The song is written about her.

From ghosts. Oh, come on. Everyone knows who I'm talking about. Jennifer. Jennifer, what's her name? Oh, Jennifer Gray. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is the worst. Jennifer Aniston. No, Jennifer Love Hewitt. He goes, right there, he's like, right there, that's

like, right there, that's her kitchen window. He's like, it's like, every one incentive to get up early, that's it. I'm like, okay. No, Kevin Meaney. Got a little creepy. Kevin Meany lived in Toluca Lake. And it really is.

It's like if I had to live in the valley, it would be Toluca Lake. It's such a cute little town. Oh, it's in 1950s for sure. And it's got that old diner patties right in the middle of it. Oh. And it's literally got a lake, Toluca Lake, which butts up against there's a golf course. And in a famous old. what's his name movie

Who's the guy? No, I hate Kaj. Oh, a Kagney? No. He's a comedian. He was an old comedian. Did a film called The Dentist. Oh, W.C. Fields.

W.C. Fields. He lived on one side of the late. This is amazing start to the podcast. Sorry, go ahead. And in the movie, he gets in a rowboat with his golf clubs, and he rose across the lake to the golf course and then plays, which is literally what he used to do. He lived on one side of the lake and the club was on the river.

That's very cool. Riverside. Was the Riverside? No. No, lakes. Lakeside is the club. Andrew Santino's taking me golfing there a couple times. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, he's been to it. I ran into him over there at a restaurant like a year ago. So he has a really bad back. Did you know that? Yeah. Meanwhile, he's like a three handicapped in golf with a bad back. Yeah, he plays a lot. All right.

So did I tell you that we went to a Lakers game recently? No. Yeah, we went to a Lakers game. And then the camera came around. And they, you know, he's kind of a big deal. So they came up and they said, do you mind? And we were like, we were like fourth row center court. And the camera comes up and goes, can we, do you want, hey, you want to?

put you up on the Jumbotron and he's like, nah, you know what? I don't really, I'm not into it tonight. Thank you so much. But now, and they walk away and I'm, and I'm beaming at him. And he goes, what? I go, what the fuck, man?

He's like, oh, did you want that? I go, do I want to be on the Jumbotron? During a Lakers game? Yes. So he jumps up and he runs down and he gets the camera. And he comes back. And he didn't tell me he was going to do this. He told the camera guy and they called it into the booth.

And then they put the camera on us and then it said kiss cam. And he grabbed me and he kissed me for like 15 seconds on the side of my face. And it was just a kiss cam up on the Jumbo Tron. That's perfect. Somebody videotaped it. I think I posted on Instagram. I can't remember. That's funny.

I was going to say my dumb joke was that his wife can't know he's in a gay relationship with you. That's why he didn't want to go up on the cam. All right. All right, so. Today is the Oscars, buddy. Oscars, let's get to it. Today is the Oscars. It's also lots of threats.

We'll get to that from Iran. Apparently trying to disrupt our little Los Angeles holiday here. But all right, let's do the Oscar ballot. I printed out the New York Times. All right, let's get through this fast. Let's do it fast. First of all, we got to put money on it. Let's put some money on it.

All right. Yeah, sure. Whoever gets the most right. Uh, okay. Yeah, obviously. All right, let's start with picture, pal. What do you think? How much? How much are we betting? Oh, 10 bucks. All right, 10 bucks. Best picture I'm going with, let's see, Marty Supreme, Begonia Frankenstein. I'll go with one battle after another. That seems to be all the hype. Same with me.

Okay. Best director, I'm taking Paul Thomas Anderson for one battle after another. Same with me. Best actor. This is boring. It's between Chamalais and Michael B. Jordan. I'm going to go, I'm going to go DEI with Michael B. Jordan, who played two roles in the movie. Same with me. Oh, boy, oh boy.

This is going great. Best actress, Jesse Buckley for Hamnet is a lock. Same with me. Supporting actor. I'm going with Sean Penn. Sean Pan, one battle after another. Same with me. This is really great.

Best supporting actress. Normally you're wrong with crazy picks. I'm going. El Fanning, I really liked. Sentimental value nobody saw. Wuni Wosaku for sinners. I'm going to go with that. All right.

Who are you going with? Woonie, Woonie Mosaku for sinners. Okay, I'm going with Amy Madigan I don't even see you're up there That's where I win my $10. Original screenplay Original screenplay I'm going to say

You know what? Sinners was a very It was not a good screenplay Actually I saw sentimental value And I'm going to go sentimental value Okay, I'm going to go sentimental value Okay, I'm going with sinners.

You're going with cinema. I'm already spending this $10, man. Adapted screenplay. I'm going with Hamnet. Hamnet. You're going Hamnet. I'm going one battle after another. Wow.

I mean, come on, Hamnet, compared to Hamlet, what do we talk about here? I think that's it. Casting. No, no, no, we're not picking casting. Come on, let's go through it fast. We need tiebreakers. All right.

All right. Casting, I'll go one battle after another. Okay, I'm going Marty Supreme. Okay, editing. I'll say F1. F1 for editing, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm going to go one. Oh, boy, what am I going to do?

Marty Supreme, maybe that's where they give it to Marty Supreme. I'm going to go Marty Supreme. Animated feature. It should be one battle after. K-pop demon hunters for animated feature. Animated feature, I'm going K-pop also. Documentary feature, I literally don't know any of these. Nobody, my nobody against Putin, I'll go with that because it sounds the most political.

Nobody against Putin, you're putting? Yeah. I'm going to write in the Diddy Documentary. There you go. I want to win. I think it's going to win somehow. I'm going with the perfect neighbor. Okay.

International feature. I'm going sentimental value. 100%. Same here. Maybe we've already exhausted everything. I don't think we need production design. That's good. Wait, cinematography.

That's kind of a big one. Oh, yeah. Cinematography, I will go with. Oh, Jesus. I don't know what it is. Where is that? I don't even. Okay.

I know what it is. I know what it is. I think one battle after the other. I think one battle after another. Is it the one that had that shot of them driving over the road and it was like a drone shot that everybody was talking about? No, that was Frankenstein on the highway. Yes. No, no, no.

No, no. No, no battle after another. Yeah, okay. So I'm taking one battle after another for that. So am I. Okay. We can end it there. There we go.

There we go. There we go. There we're good. Those are all game. But Frankenstein is supposed to get a lot of the production. Oh. Okay. So, yeah, like, you know, it got like the most, even though Dol Toro got snubbed as director.

So wait, one quick thing about that shot that you just referenced on one after one. It's a very interesting story that I think is very, very tight. telling with AI. It's a very good AI story. So they shot that scene twice, at least. And the one time they shot it, it was perfect. And they both met and they're watching the feedback. And it was too perfect. And the cinematographer then said to Paul Thomas Anderson, hey, I'm going to loosen the bolts a little on the rig that holds the camera to the truck that's shooting this, the follow truck. I'm going to actually just hand loosen

the bolts that have the camera because it's too still. It looks too almost like a drone shot. So we want it to be basically more human. And that's where you get that shaking which is the most famous thing about it. Like people said it was very visceral

watching it. That's literally because they loosened bolts holding the camera down. I heard a different story. I heard that they put Michael J. Fox on the the truck and they gave him the camera. Don't say that. I just got his autographed.

Do you want to see it? And then I hold up chickens grudge. Logo this week comes from Jane. It's an Oscar picture. It's referring obviously to the Ellen one from, what was that, six years ago? You mean the one that I had a hand in creating? Oh, that's right. So a little.

I've probably told this story. That's not what we're. was supposed to happen. It was a very simple joke. She was going to be in the audience and Merrill Streep was there. And the joke as written was Ellen was going to say, oh my God, I cannot believe it's Merrill Streep. Merrill, would you do, would you take a picture with me? And so Ellen sits down or takes a knee next to Merrill Streep and reaches out to do a selfie. Then Ellen, as scripted, says, oh, my arm's not long enough. And then she hands Merrill Streep the camera and goes,

can you just take a picture of me? And then Ellen was going to be there alone. I thought it was a pretty funny joke. That's what we were going to do. That's exactly what starts to happen. And she goes, oh, my arm is on long enough. Bradley Cooper jumps up and goes, I'll take it. And we're all in the writers.

We're all like in the wings of the stage like, no, you idiot. and then this happened. And everybody just jumped in. Everyone just jumped in. And by the way, if you study that photo, which was apparently the biggest selfie ever taken or whatever, meanwhile, it's not a selfie. But you will notice the only person looking right down the lens at you is Kevin

Spacey. He knows what he's doing. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. Everyone else is doing the like looking at, I guess themselves in the camera or whatever it was, like we all do. Kevin Spacey knew to look right at the lens on the phone. Yeah.

Well, they, everybody is well-poid. It goes to show you why they're the top of their field. They're all well-posed. We need songs. We need some more songs. This week's I sent it to you. It was Jeff Snyder. Did you listen, Mike Gibbons?

You sent it to me? Yes, I did. I did. you just stop that all together. Jeff Snyder, thank you very much. It was he put, I wrote to him, I go, you really put your heart into this, which I thought like, oh, I hope that didn't sound

passive, aggressive, like. I'm listening to it right now. Nice, Jeff. Yes. It's, and it's very much, it's very much like, uh, what we're looking for. It's non-AI. Uh, corrections this week.

All right, Mike, are you ready for this? Correction. I'm about to not. you on your ass. All right. We, we bet $20 because. By the way, that song sounds very geese-like. I just want to tell.

I want to mention. Oh, God, geese. All right, got corrections. All right. So we had a $20 bet, which was based on a Kalshi bet about when we would strike Iran. You said when we would strike Iran, can you please play the tape? Matt. We have to follow up on our bet.

You were wrong. I'm the one who bet we would bomb Iran before the end of February. No, by February 28th. Is that the last day? Because that's literally the day they struck. All I know is the calendar said February. Fine, I'll take the bet. I think we're going to attack before February 28th.

Before February 28th. Before February 28th. By the way, I win the bet. We don't listen when we talk. But you guys sadly have to listen to us. I don't know. All right, well, let's find out. Before February 28th.

You lost the bet. Come on. What are you talking about? What am I talking about? You literally said before February 28th. When did we strike? February 28th, here it is. On February 28th, Israel, the United States launched surprise air strikes on multiple sites in cities across Iran,

killing Supreme Leader Ali Khomeini. So there we go. What time? with so many time zones away. You. Before February 28th is right, over. Yeah. He adjusted it for the time zone.

We talked about them. You said, I said this month. I'm going, whatever. You know what? That's why there's the video tape, I'm going to go back and watch. I bet I said this month. Okay, okay.

Well, you're down 40. You're down 40 bucks. I suggest. we put that on the Oscars. Wait, how am I down 40? You lost $5 in paddle tennis, then another $5 in paddle tennis. You were down 10,

and then we bet $10 on something, and you were down 20, at which point you said you weren't going to pay me. All right, yeah, I'm going to win the Oscars. We could do that, but do you want to save a little for March Madness? I'm already in the bet. I actually, I already found my betting partners.

Okay. I'm taking the under. Every game, 100 bucks. Let's go, kids. Miss buckets. All right. So we're saying $40 on the Oscars. Sure.

Let it ride, baby. I think you have an advantage because I made one bad pick. More than that. Okay. And then there's other corrections. Uh-oh. Okay. I wasn't going to write anything because it didn't seem like a big correction.

But then you said there weren't any corrections this week. I will offer you one. English major. Fitzsimmons said to me, said me and my mom went to the beach. It should be my mom and I went to the beach because you can't say me went to the beach. I always forget that. You went to the beach with this John's mom? Is that the correction?

I have photos. Yeah. All right. By the way, your new podcast company is great because here on the East Coast we get the podcast so much. Everyone's raving about that. Everybody's raving. That was from John.

And then Norm from Whistler, British Columbia said, fellow Canadian, I'm one quarter. Three months of lessons before you can start kite surfing in Jupiter Beach. Dude, most people get six to nine hours of lessons and are good to go. Also, kiders are in amazing shape. I'm a fat fuck and a pretty good kiter. I don't believe because he's in British Columbia. It's fucking, there's no, it's because it's ice.

He's ice surfing. You can't, you can't drown. And a fat guy named Norm, I don't buy it. Sean said, I hear folks say PDF file instead of saying PDF file. File is already in it, right? With the F? Right, right. I got it.

Okay. What, wait, who said that? Wait, is that a thing? That was a guy named Sean. Oh, you said PDF file? I know I said the right the word that got us kicked off the algorithm he said if you want to avoid that say PDF file oh I'm following now that's very tricky it's so good I didn't even get it all right ron said I'm happy to help out on this one because this bit is too good not to give credit to the proper comic

the quicksand bit that Mike did is from john malaney's special new in town from 2012 transcribe below I was a very nervous kid. I was anxious all the time when I was younger, but that's, but what's nice is that some of the things I was anxious about don't bother me anymore. Like I always thought that quicksand was going to be a bit, much bigger problem than it turned out to be. Because if you watch cartoons,

quicksands like the third, all right, but previously someone accused us of stealing it from Adam Carolla. Oh, okay. Well, you know, the show cut the promo and left out the part right, I said, I don't know who's bit this is.

And so I'm glad I'm glad the comedy police didn't come after me. All right. You don't need that. Speaking of comedy, please, come on out and see if I'm stealing anything at the St. Patrick's Day Show Tuesday, March 17th. Get tickets at Fitzhog Day. That will sell out. Get the tickets right away.

Janesville, Wisconsin, the comedy cabin will absolutely not sell out. That's March 20th through the 21st. Bakersfield, California, the well, April 18th. Escondito, Grand Comedy Club, April 24, 25, and then I'll be up in Boston at Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. Fittsdog.com, get your tickets, come on out. Also, we want to give a shout out to Gotham Production Studio. I think that's what they're called.

I don't know if there's a studio at the end, or if it's just Gotham Productions. That's what it says. Doing a great job. Also, it's important that we talk about this because it's a new year and people are trying to get their business communications down. We look at the messier parts and we think, is there a better way to do this? And one of the quickest, quickest ease quickest ways to do this. It's quo. It's kind of like quokiest.

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Don. You loaded this duck, I got to say. And here you go. Here's Greg. First story. Well, this one got kind of cut out. It was in a weird format. So some of the words are missing.

A viral app to help men stop masturbating, expose thousands of users. Data. The app Quitter, Q-U-I-T-R, claims to be the number one porn addiction app to quit porn forever on its website. It apparently blocks porn websites on one's device, as well as tracks one's abstinence from porn. Quitter also has community features like groups, a panic button for emergency no-fap help. I panic button. I consider masturbation to be my panic button. It's my stress outlet. I'm going to involve dudes. I'm going to involve other quitters. What is happening here? Yeah. I mean, it's just a matter of time until they're talking dirty to each other. Also, like, if you block, if you block porn from your website, are there no other

phones or computers in the house? You're going to find a way. Yeah. Some people even have an imagination. That's true. Or their neighbors' panties that they got in the laundry room? Who knows what they got? Oh, my God. I can't even tell you. The idea of porn addiction persists in the U.S., which lacks comprehensive sex education

requirements in many states. Only 37% of states require sex education to be medically accurate. According to Boston University. Hey, we went to BEO. Good luck getting addicted. There it is. When there's four guys in a dorm room on top of each other, that'll keep you from jerking off.

What do you mean? You don't need porn. You got a circle going in the living room. There it is. It's not even called masturbation. No. Well, it puts the mass in masturbation. In this environment, Quitter has thrived.

The app has been downloaded 1.5 million times. Jesus Christ. All right. porn has been downloaded. So they leaked data. Twitter, they should have called it winner. They leaked data about hundreds of thousands of users' masturbation habits. Just, you want to know their habits?

Set up a hidden microphone in the locker room of the men's rugby team. You'll get all the data on masturbation you'll need. Poor, poor Steve. Look at Steve. He's hit the panic button every day in February. That data gets out there. And it's Black History Months, he was only watching black porn. Here's a little true story, a little sharing too much.

So literally alone, here's a setting, alone here in my apartment. I'll then, let's say, launch some particular site here on my laptop. And an ad runs, as we all know, they make you watch a quick ad for like five seconds or something at the top. And literally it's this woman's voice and it's like tired of masturbating alone. And I literally have out loud said, nope. Not kidding. And it cracks me up and then I get to business. That's that porn roulette, right?

That's the ad for the porn roulette. I don't even know. Well, don't do an ad for them. They're not paying for this. Oh, no, it's not an ad at all. It came out six or seven years ago, and it advertised that you were going to masturbate with men and women. Oh.

And that literally, like, every five seconds, you could click to go to the next one, but it shows you somebody masturbating on their computer. And then you can choose to continue watching them or move on to the next one. Here's the problem. It was all dudes. Oh, you think? Literally 95% dudes plus like seven women that were paid 500 bucks for the day to jump in just to give it some sense of diversity. I don't need that.

I'm already doing it with anyone that can see in my window. Right. I'm right there. I'm pressed against it. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah, there it is. I just love it here. Yeah, I just love that it's leaking.

The data is leaking. Here's some breaking news. You're a 16-year-old boy and you masturbate a lot. Oh, no, my secret is out. Yeah. Here's another story. This is quite a gear shift. Do we want to do this one?

No, but anyway, it's a story about contracts for drones. We talked earlier at the Oscars. So have you heard about this threat? There were rumors, I guess, or chatter that California and Los Angeles, that there would be Iranian drones. Yes, I did hear that it was on all our feeds. Everybody was freaking out. I know.

But the joke's on Iran because there's no one, no shooting in L.A. anymore. That's my little fun thing. Yeah, I think so nobody shoots in L.A. anymore. You're back out on the street. So also, Los Angeles is like, oh, strikes. Strikes, get in line. Got the WGA's threatening to strike again. Directors, go ahead.

Get in line, Iran. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. At this point, the strike, we are hoping to get killed. We're so tired of striking. Please, hit the strike line. All right, so the family of a Georgia teacher who died over the weekend after a high school student prank gone wrong says they fully support dropping criminal charges

against the five teenage students who were involved in the prank. In a statement, the family of a North High School math teacher, Jason Hughes said, we are thankful for the outpouring of prayers and support as we grieve the loss of Jason. We ask that you extend grace for these kids. The family also said Hughes knew the students were coming to his house and was excited to catch them during the prank.

Police in Gainesville, Georgia, said the five teenagers went to Hughes home on Friday night to throw toilet paper at the trees on the property. When Hughes came outside, the students all 18 attempted to flee in two vehicles. At one point, Hughes tripped and fell into the roadway, and one of the teen students ran him over. The sheriff's office said Wallace and the other teens tried to render aid, but Hughes later died at the hospital, and they said they did use the toilet paper to wipe up the blood in the driveway. So at least they did that for their widow. They still T-Ped him.

They just wrapped him up in it, his corpse. He's like a mummy laying there in the driveway. This is how I like to think of it. I like to think of that Hughes just pranked these kids. He's going to pop out like surprise, your little dirtbags. Right, right. Oh, my God. I remember when I used to stay at my cousin Danny's house out in Long Island

and his father, my uncle Paul, was a badass. He was in the Navy. He was a construction worker. He used to drink a lot of Schaefer beer every night. And he would hit not only his children, he would hit us. He would hit his nephews. I love him. So we go out, me and Danny go out one night, and we're probably like 12 years old.

Even younger, maybe like 11 years old. And we went across the street at like mid-year-old. night and we had toilet paper when we teaped the house across the street you know all the all the the trees whatever and we come back to the house and we go into the garage and the door to the house is locked and we had kept it open went to the back door locked front door locked and then we go to the other side door and there is uncle paul sitting there with a shaper beer and uh we both got a little we both got a couple slaps from that one. You didn't back over him in the driveway?

Oh, we're locked out. I guess we should TP our own house as well. I literally had thought of you, your parents just sending you to a cousin's house and how what, what a chore for them. I mean, it's like, here you go. Take our young Gregory. He's not a handful.

This will go swimmingly. Well, they paid us back. because later their daughter came and lived with us. She was a troubled teenager and she lived at our house for like a year. And I mean, she joined a cult. To get away from the Schaefer dad. The Schaefer, the one beer to have when you're having more than one, that was their literal ad campaign.

When you're having more than 12. But we used to prank our teachers. constantly. There was this one guy, Dr. Quinn, and he wore a plaid blazer, and he always had dandruff on his shoulders. So we would put head and shoulders on his desk. And then when he would go and write on the board,

his classroom was on the ground floor. And so in the springtime, the windows would be open, and he'd go up to the board to right, and I would jump out the window. And then I would come around, and I would come back, and everybody in the class knew it, and I'd come back into the classroom, and I'd just walk in. And he'd go, where were you?

I'd go, I went to the bathroom. He goes, when did you go to the bathroom? I go, Dr. Quinn, I just asked you five minutes ago, can I go to the bathroom? And he would get really confusing. He goes, just sit down. Next class, Dr. Quinn has your uncle with all the shafer sitting in the classroom, just ready to beat the tar out of you.

Oh, God. Uber launched a meeting, a feature Monday, to allow both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be matched with other women for trips, a program aimed at addressing concerns about the safety of its ride-hailing platform. The new features being rolled out nationwide, despite an ongoing class action lawsuit against the policy in California filed by Uber drivers who argue that it discriminated. against men. I got to say the guys that are that are suing over this, let's check their records. Let's see what their past looks like. By the way,

just a fun fact, the president, the head of Uber, the CEO from Hackley. Really? Yeah, Khazra Shahi. There were two Khazra Shahi brothers. They were the best soccer players in the school.

I know your sister and brother, although your brother didn't last, like me, he didn't last that long at Hackley. Hackley is a school in Tarrytown that our family, my sister graduated from, so did Gregs. Like if you texted your sister right now, she definitely knows Khazra Shahi. They were Iranian, by the way. He's probably having a busy week. But yeah, they're getting so much heat. the New York Times did a big story on this. Well, I think we know it's not going to be drone strikes from Iran.

It's going to be Uber strikes. And then I've had the dumb joke recently, which is what's that app women use to hook up? Oh, yeah, Uber. Right. Well, guaranteed. So women can request a female driver. passengers can opt for another ride if the wait for a woman is too long. In other words, when the woman gets lost trying to find you.

Uber also allows... Well, parking takes a while. Yes. Uber also allows teen account users to request women drivers. The company launched a version of the feature in Saudi Arabia in 2019, following the country's landmark law granting women the right to drive. Well, good luck in that Saudi traffic, loud, crowded, and now you got a driver with a pillowcase over her head. So she's never going to see you.

Women couldn't drive till 2019 in Saudi Arabia. That's right. Wow. That's right. That's pretty. I wonder, yeah, I'm viewing that as progressive. We should try that here for a little while. See how it goes.

See how it goes. I bet merging would go a lot back. better. Merging? Yeah, merging is the biggest problem in Los Angeles, mostly because they put the on-ramp right before the off-ramp. So you got this giant cross-pattern happening at every exit. I'll tell you what, I don't want to sound sexist,

but when I get a female Uber driver, I factor in an extra five or ten minutes until she gets there. I'm not kidding. I'm I that's going to sound sexist but it's absolutely true they should have an app call it they should call a woober women's Uber just make it woober Yeah Uh

Yeah All right so let's do ethical question Let's do it it's your turn All right paper crinkle Paper crinkle Rapper crinkle Are we're going to make this short Because they were horrible

I literally had to go back and find, oh no, now it's time. Oh, hold on. You know what I do? I just think of ethical questions. Yeah, no, yours are horrible. Hold on. Let me see if I can get this.

Mine are horrible, whether or not you would kill a child molester. That's a pretty, oh, did we just get kicked off the algorithm? Yes, probably. Can you beep that? Matt, thank you. This is it. So the new podcast here, we have to do it on Chrome. I don't have a New York Times account on Chrome.

So anyway, here I just found it. I went back to Safari to find my ethical question. Oh, God damn. And it's not doing it here. Oh, you fuck. Hold on a minute. Here it is. I remember it.

I remember it. Ready? Here it is. I had to go back because the ones this week were horrible. I need an egg donor. is it okay if I ask a former student? That's it. Well, you would know whether or not they're smart.

That's for sure. And you know whether or not they, you know, work hard. I like your thinking. So I would say absolutely. As long as they're not still a student, then it's fine. I mean, you can date an ex-student. You just can't date them while you're still teaching them. because then you have the power to grade them.

Hold on. Now I've lost our feed here. So you're saying it's okay. I think so. I think a lot of people would have a problem with it. Well, you're not having sex with her. You're just extracting the egg and putting it in a petri dish. Wait, how do you know there's no sex?

Well, you said donor, not receiver. Right. Doer, not donor. Yeah, I know. but there is something, there is, I understand why it's an ethical question, though. You do, right? I mean, it seems a little, pardon the phrase, a little sticky. Why?

She's not a student anymore. What do you mean she? It's an egg donor. You're asking for an egg donor, you said. I think the story was a female teacher with a male student. Oh, well, that changes everything. I think that's what. So, wait, your mind of me.

immediately went to the egg is the donor. Well, that's how you said it. You can put it into a surrogate. You can take an egg from a student and put it into a surrogate. And then fucked a surrogate. I think everyone listening knew what I was describing, except you. Okay. What about this?

Also, when I hear teacher, it's like doctor. I assume it's a woman. Like when I hear Uber driver, I assume it's a man. All right. Is it ethical? You're married. You can't get pregnant. Your husband's shooting duds.

And you want to get artificial insemination, but you don't have the $10,000 of pop to try it. The woman has a male friend and she says to the husband, can he just have sex with me until I get pregnant? This happens. Is that ethical? I'm sure it does. Well, of course, it's ethical if she's asking the husband. but what if she decides to do a solid, right? Be a good wife and she just sleeps with the friend and then makes him feel great.

Honey, occasionally some of your guys swim. This is a miracle. I'm pregnant. And so weird, the ones that swim, ironically, are the black ones. Just let's not hang around gym anymore. He might want to hang out more, but we should say no. All right. Let's make America, Florida.

Here you go. This was sent in by two listeners. Fort Myers, Florida. Florida man, they had the picture of this guy. Florida man found sunburned and disoriented on a causeway claiming he was kidnapped by dolphins and forced to build an underwater city. What an afternoon. Lee County Sheriff's deputies responded to the Sanibel Causeway early Monday after a motorist reported a man standing on the shoulder, soaking wet and drawing blueprints in the sand.

According to the police report, Ricky James Hollowell, 33 was found barefoot, severely sunburned, and wearing only swim trucks. He told deputies he had been, quote, taken against his will by a pot of dolphins three days ago. and forced to work on what he called an underwater construction report. First of all, why would that be against your will? Who the fuck would not want to be taken by dolphins underwater on an adventure? I think this is proof that dolphins aren't the smartest thing in the sea because if they want a sound city built with the right math and the right physics, you don't go to Florida.

You go up the coast a bit. Get to Texas or someplace like that. All right. A Hollowell claimed the dolphins approached him while he was swimming off Fort Myers Beach and, quote, escorted him to a site approximately 40 feet below the surface where they needed help building structures.

Is he sure that he didn't hallucinate and these were actual Miami Dolphins and they took him 40 feet under the stadium and showed him the nickel defense they're going to be using in the fall. You were so close to this on Venice Beach, peaking on your mushrooms. Like, this could have been you. Yes. You could have left that drum circle and gone.

I mean, the drum circle, talk about low intelligence also. All right. So he told the officers the dolphins communicated through a series of clicks that he eventually learned to interpret. And the project foreman was a. a dolphin. He referred to this is the best. Details are the best things in stories. And believe

it or not, now I believe him because of this detail. He said the Project Foreman was a dolphin named Gerald. When asked how he breathed underwater for three days, he said, Gerald

handled that. I didn't ask questions. You don't question Gerald. These are all quotes. He had drawn an elaborate blueprint in the sand that deputies described as detailed enough to become concerning. You know, this is so well written. I'm starting to doubt this is true. Yeah.

The detailed enough to be concerning, including what happened to be what appeared to be condos, a town square, and a recreation set. I wonder if there was a fountain. I bet there was. Oh, right. And it blew air instead of water. Oh, that's good. He told officers he was released because the dolphins were satisfied with his work. No, they weren't. Gerald fired your ass. I guarantee it. But Gerald said they'd be back for phase two. Responding deputy, Sean Oakley told reporters, I've been with the sheriff's office 11 years. The blueprints were the part that got me. He had zoning. All right. I'm calling this is fake.

I didn't look at it. I just copy and paste it. Well, look, it might be fake, but... No way. Gerald was too good. Talk to any schizophrenic on Venice Boulevard and you're going to get just as colorful of a story. People just aren't writing it down.

I also don't believe a Florida man can do plans that well. I mean, what is planned well in Florida? Nothing. It says here Gerald was unavailable for comment. Oh, I didn't even see that line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the last time we're taking a Florida man story from a, from, did, and I think two people sent it. Really?

Time to make America Philly again. Okay. Is there a crinkle? Oh, Jesus. I'm not used to being a crinkle guy. All right. So Ray, Ray sent this in. Now, it's an old story, and we've done it before, but it's worth repeating.

So this thing called a hitchbot, which was a robot. It was a science project, a robot. It's a hitchhiking robot. So hitchpot was hitchhiking robot that relied on the kindness of strangers to travel the world. It successfully hitchhiked across Canada, Germany, and the Netherlands. But while attempting to hitchhike across the United States, it was found with its head and arms ripped off in Philadelphia. of course. I'm sure it also had underwent a lot of non-consensual sex.

Yes. Yeah, I would imagine there was hand jobs. It was, yeah. Well, in their defense, the robot had a Giants jersey on. He had a New York Giants jersey on. But if he made a term- Why does Hitchpot? Yeah.

There's no way there wasn't a swastika. on that robot's back if he made it through Germany. Well, it was hard to fit it with all the penises that Phil. They had to save room for all the penises, Phil he was going to draw all over its face and body. Yeah. Yeah. And they probably got it high in the Netherlands.

And Canadians. I bet the Canadians are so nice. One guy probably picked him up in Quebec and drove them all the way to Vancouver, just to be a good guy. We got to get these swastikas off of you, hitchbot. Let me, come on, let me rub these all. Yeah. What is sports? What is that? Well, we're teasing it. Next week, we're going to begin a segment. Are you going to do a crinkle? Do you not know how to do crinkles for the section? Sports next week we're going to begin.

So it's a segment thought of and put together by Matt Peters, our producer, our fearless producer. And it's going to be our very own sweet 16, which is we're going to take the 16 biggest story. of 2025, we're going to put it into a bracket system. There's going to be a, what do they call it, the suite eight and the final four? As chosen by you guys, we're going to read the story. We're going to read just the headlines of the top 16 stories. You guys are going to vote for which ones make it into those different brackets. And then really, March Madness isn't in March.

Has it even started yet? What's that? Has March Madness started? It starts, I think, Wednesday the 17th. Okay, so it's not March Madness. It's really April Madness. And the play-ins, the play-in games are Tuesday, I believe.

Oh my God, I just farted so fucking bad. Whoa, no one, no one needed to know that. So next week we start that. We're just teasing that. All right, let's get down to this day in history. All right, where's the crinkle? Oh, no. I lost this day in history.

Oh, you're unbelievable. Unbelievable. Here, I'll find it. I'll find it. No, because I got to switch to Chrome. Oh, man. No, I already have it. I already have it, bro.

Here we go. Nope, that's not the one. Hold on. That's March 7th. That's fine. Marcus Aurelius becomes the Emperor of Rome on this day in what year, give or take 400 years? Marcus Aurelius was before or after Caesar?

After Caesar, so I'm going to say 200 AD. He was 161 C.E., which is BC. Are you sure CE is BC? Yeah, you want to Google it? I think it doesn't matter. I'm still within 400 years. I got it. All right, you got it.

Hold on. This day in history. Let me find the right one that I've already looked at. Okay, here we go. All right. So, you're one for one. Uncle Sam, that old bastard with the stars and stripes outfit, well, really the stars on his hat pointing right at you. He's a cartoon, and he appeared in a publication called The Lanter. And it's credited to Frank Bello, blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, this is Uncle Sam wants you, and he's pointing right at you. You know what I'm talking about. He first appeared on this day in what year, give or take 10 years. All right. It sounds like a World War II recruitment poster. So I'm going to say 1939. Isn't this shocking? That's why I did it.

1852. No. I know. I said 10 years, which was deceiving. But if I had said 50 years, you would have been like, whoa, something's up because I totally assumed it was before World War War. I don't even know what war that was. What was that like the Spanish? Was that the Spanish American War?

There was U.S. Army recruitment posters and flyers. Mexican-American War? That's a good point. Yeah, but that should be to this day in history. We don't even know what we're talking about. Okay, let's see here. Where are we going? Okay, I love this because I still have not seen this document.

God damn it. But John Cazal, is that how you say his name. Unbelievable. He's the only actor in the history of cinema whose every movie in his career was nominated for Best Picture. Damn. This is Sonny.

He died. What do you mean? This is Sunny. From the Godfather. Oh. Right? Wait, no. James Khan was Sunny.

No, no, right. I always missed that out. What's his name? He was Fredo. Sorry, Fredo. Oh, okay. Yeah. And Deer Hunter, I should have all four of his movies.

Anyway, there's a documentary on him. Merrill Streep was his girlfriend and cared for him when he was dying. So you haven't seen this documentary either? No. Oh, it's supposed to be great because it's unbelievable. The conversation, the godfather. Godfather, Godfather Part 2, Dog Day Afternoon, remember what country you want to go to, Wyoming, and the deer hunter.

Damn. Okay, so what's the question? All five films, best picture. I'm really only doing this because I want to remind myself. But sadly, he got cancer and he died at 42 years old in Manhattan. What year do you think, based on all the information I'm gave you did john die give her take five years i'm guessing the deer hunter was the last film that he did which would have been based on vietnam so it couldn't have come out until probably the late 70s

if he died after that i'm going to say 1984 you know very good you did the deer hunter was his last film it was 78 and i gave you five years and he died in when did you say 84 yeah um sorry you missed it he died in 1978 oh god damn you why couldn't you have made it longer so i wonder if there i well i see the documentary i wonder if there's evidence that he was sick during the deer hunter or even before he looked sick his whole life okay here we go the tennis lee He was gone. The Tennessee legislature passed a bill that banned the teaching of Charles Darwin's theory of evolution in the state's public schools in a highly publicized trial. High school teacher John T. Scopes was later convicted of breaking the law.

So when did the bill pass banning the teaching of evolution in the state of Tennessee, give or take 15 years? 1930. Look at you. I would have put it earlier. 1925. Nice. Okay, here we go. Elron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of Scientology, was born in Tilden, Nebraska

on this day in what year, give or take. I'm going to give you 15 years again. All right. I feel like El Ron Hubbard died in the 80s. he probably was I'm going to put it right around the year 1905

you did it let's go out on that no 1911 nice very well done by the way great fucking book what what um so get this man

speaking of Hackley earlier we had I forget what I don't know why we were all rather, but it was like we were in the gym and the head of the athletic program then gave us a talk. And he took some kids who were older and in basketball because I was in like eighth grade or something. And he goes, try to touch the rim or whatever. And the kid like just missed that. He probably knew that or something.

And then he started talking about this motivational book and that you can touch that rim. And he goes, I want you to read this. book and come back next week and I guarantee anyway he went on and on and on it was Dionetics no yeah because someone reminded me about that and I think that guy was then

let go a few years later and that's when I remembered the story and they brought up so yeah he was totally taken with that book and he thought it was mind over matter and you huh you know it's weird about that is

Hackley had a much more famous cult leader, Reverend Sung Young Moon, his kids went to Hackley. My daughter, my sister, went to school with one of them. Also, Barr, William Barr was the headmaster. Oh, yeah. And that's why there was those old Russian guys there, because Barr was formerly with the CIA, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, Hackley boy, Hackley has stories.

All right, do we have an obituary or you're going straight to the funnies? I think we're going, but wait, someone did pass away. Who was it? Who died? Celebrity deaths. It wasn't like, I shouldn't say that. It wasn't major. But there was one.

There was. We don't have to do that. If we're not remembering, bless us. We talked about Niel Sadaka. We talked about Jesse Jacks. We talked about Duval. We talked about all of them. All right, let's go to the fun.

Stephen Hibbert. No, no one died. Oh, thank God. Oh, Lou Holtz, the football coach. Ah, yeah, that was last week also. Okay. All right, let's get down to it. It's time to cheer up from that with the funnies.

Every week, weekend and week out, we have the comedy caption contest, all spelled with K's. It is a chance for you to show us your comedy prowess. We give you one frame of a comic strip. You then write your punchline. You send it in. to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

You put your name directly under your joke. We put together some of the finalists. We read them. We pick a winner. That person receives a Sunday Papers coozy to their house within days. All right. Days. You get it within days.

It was Country Joe and the fish. That dude, he passed away. He died? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know Country Joe is still alive. Last week's comic was, it's a TV set, an old-timey one with an antenna, and on the screen is a figure skater with her back to you, and one of her legs way up high in the air.

So she's, as we would say in nature, she's presenting. Yeah. Bald man shot from behind him, point of view behind him. He's bald and he's opening a beer. Greg Miller said, I wonder how her poll tab works. All right. Flesh tree says six more weeks of winter.

That's kind of funny. I like it and I don't even know why. Allison W. said, I like my chances. A little reference to my Rogaine ad. Sean from Ontario said, come on, Tanya, club this bitch in the leg. All right. Okay.

Yeah, historical, of course. David Bentley said Why Men invented the pause button Well not if they have that Jerk app This is from Dan Gleeballs Looks more like an axe wound

Than a triple axle Whoa, okay Look what he did there I think the triple throws the joke off I think it's better if you say It looks more like an axe wound Than an axle

I don't think that would work Stephen Mangrum says Porn Hub in 1964 Tired masturbating alone. Rich Butchco, $400 a month, but this Epstein channel is worth it. It's an Epstein channel now. Wow.

Kurt says Tonya Harding, more like Tonya Hardon. Well, he's referring to himself, Kurt. Interesting, okay. Now we got Al who says, brought to you by Epstein Light Beer, the official sponsor of the Youth Olympic Games. People really, the Epstein thing got triggered, huh? Yeah, it did.

It sounded like you liked six more weeks of winter. I think I do. Yeah, I liked it too. Flash tree, congratulations. Major contributor to the show, Flesh Trees. Always reaching out, we appreciate that. And you will, for your efforts, be keeping all your beverages cool this summer. Next week's caption is, two news.

knights. They are in armor and they are sword fighting and one of the guys his sword is bent over. It is, it has lapsed. It has gone flaccid.

And the knight is looking very startled at his flaccid sword which is now, he's holding it up but it's pointing down to the ground. Yeah, a little performance anxiety. Hagger the Horrible. They're sitting in a bar.

It's two dudes, Hager and another dude. And he goes, that woman you were talking to sure left in a hurry. And the guy says, she said she needed to deal with her weight loss goal. And Hager goes, how much is she trying to lose? Guy goes, all 168 pounds of me. Yeah. Yeah, they often are. They're often trying to get weight off of themselves in medieval times.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's weighing down on them. Yes. Hard to do anything. They feel like it's hard to get out of bed. Right. They feel bloated. Yeah.

They don't feel unattractive, though. They feel attractive. That's what they feel. Now we got the lockhorns. Leroy and his buddy are looking at his wedding photo. Leroy goes, That's the day I enlisted in World War Wife. Leroy's sitting in a bar talking to the bartender and he goes,

and he looks at his phone. Uh-oh, all caps. Loretta is using shout to text again. That's good. All right, a quick onion and Dickie had sent this. And I think he's right.

This is one of the harshest onions. I mean, it's edgy. So the, you know the basketball player, Bam, Abidayu? Yeah, he just scored 83 points. He just scored 83 points. And the onion came out with this headline right here. There's a picture of them.

Laker fans furious as Bam Abadayu dies an even worse helicopter crash. Oh. Referring to the Kobe point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's nuts. Yeah.

Now we got Blondie. Dagwood's sitting on the white chair. Again, on a lounge chair with hands in pockets. Could you get more useless? And Blondie's got her back to him. God bless her. His shoes are on the white ottoman. Oh, right.

Yeah. Jesus. Now she is reading a magazine and there's a, TV is on. He goes, boy, it was so worth it to stay up and watch this scary movie. He goes, although after watching it, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep for a while. And then, uh, and the third frame, which should be him with a fucking ghoulish mask on bending her over that orange ottoman.

I can't sleep. Why not take out our anxious energy? And, no, but of course the third frame is him asleep on the chair. And she goes, I think being awake for too long is scary. than any movie to him, which is interesting. She's breaking the fourth wall. I know that is weird,

or is that her thought? No, she is saying that. She's saying it. She should poison them, right? I mean, get this over with, be inspired by that horror movie. Yep. All right, listen,

we want you guys to support the podcast by supporting our sponsors. Don't forget, give this a shot. Go to Quo, Q-U-O-O- dot com slash papers find out how you can get 20% off your first six months and you can try it for free so check it out also uh st patrick's day show this tuesday march 17th mike anything you want to promote uh happy st patrick's day everybody it's uh a day where 150 000 new yorkers try to prove they can walk a straight line and fail yeah that's what's happening uh

And also, yeah, celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Listen to some Pogs, read some Yates, have some corned beef and cabbage. Getting a fight for God's sake. Let it out. Celebrate our culture. Drink and get belligerent. All right. We'll talk to you guys soon.

Take itish. Take itish. It's Sunday papers time. It's Sunday. Day papers time. Go get him, Greg and Mike!