Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 306 3/22/26

Episode Date: March 22, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Kevin Hart to get roasted, a dancing robot goes berserk at a Cali restaurant and Trump insults the Japanese prime minister. This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Strong, strong start. It's good, right? I got dinged on my mic technique. You know what? Is that in the comments my mic technique? Did you put that or did I just see that? Somebody said your mic was not close enough to your mouth. Yeah, I was looking.

I had, well, now it's going to be incredible mic technique today because, if my levels are good, because I'm holding my mic. I have a stand when I'm in the old closet. And I was looking at the Oscar balance. So my voice. fades a tiny bit as a mumbling train dreams or whatever. It's unbelievable the complaints sometimes we get on an intentionally low-fi podcast. No offense to Gotham, but normally I'm in a closet.

We wrinkle paper. We don't use a sound effect for the pages. Come on, people. Lighten up. Lighten up, people. And I, by the way, I just thought of if you ever split off and you do like a a solo career with the podcast, mic technique. Oh, I like that.

Or, yeah, and then everyone, it's very, it's not exactly critic proof because everyone who stops listening to me will call it a mic drop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you make it very emotional and talk about yourself, it could be open mic. Pass the mic. Pass the mic.

All right. What do we got? We got a lot. First of all, St. Patrick's Day, I've got to thank everybody that came out. I heard it was great. 20th annual St. Patrick's Day show at the improv. We had a killer lineup. Sarah Silverman was great.

Caroline Ray kind of stole the show. Everybody was talking about Caroline and me after the show. There you go. She fucking destroyed. Brad Williams came out and he's a dwarf and said, this is my least favorite day of the year. Oh, okay. I begged him to wear he.

I know he has a leprechaun costume because he used to come on the man show wearing it. And he wouldn't do it. And then there's a guy in the front row who had a lucky charms hat on. He didn't have a row. And Brad goes, Brad goes, my culture's not your fashion. Oh. I like that. Great green room hang.

Everybody hung out all night. Swartson came in, hung out all night. Did he do a set? He did not. I wanted him to come on because, you know, at the end of the show, me and Dennis Govins do a sketch where he pretends he's a drunken waiter with a brogue. And then we, and then it got so intense, us arguing that a guy stood up and was about to tackle Dennis. Let it happen.

That would have been great. And then Dennis runs on stage and they hit the Irish music and we break into a jig. And then everybody in the audience. wants to hit Dennis. And then, so I wanted Nick to run on stage and do the jig with us, but he wouldn't do it. He's six months sober. If he was still drinking, he would have been up there with us. I think he's like a year sober.

I don't know. I don't know. Just a fits fact. That's all. Well, good for him. I haven't seen him in so long, man. Oh, I wish I had been there, but I heard it went great. It went great.

And I'm trying to think who else I left out. Amber, who's my producer, I'm on the Fitzdog Radio podcast, was there. She hosted, she did a great job. Doug Benson was very funny. Yeah, it was great. How was yours? You March?

I have to be honest. We didn't, and I know it sounds weird. You're in New York, but you were in New York, by the way. We went to New York. So my sister came down here. I'm in Florida right now. Came down to Florida. Got my dad, brought him up.

His traveling. He shouldn't be traveling. He's of the. We're now traveling alone is something we worry about. So anyway, she brought him up. And then it was really cold with the wind. I mean, it wasn't zero. New York has had a colder winter, but a little too cold for the big guy to march.

So we went out to breakfast and we're staying right near the parade. So we went down, saw all the bagpipes warming up. Interestingly, the hotel is on 40th Street, right, I mean, across. quarter of like an eighth of a block off fifth a few doors in and fire engines and sirens and you hear police and you can tell the difference like the all of the sirens that new york has to offer going off and i'm still in bed and i'm like oh man i go is this like kind of like what the firemen do when they pull up to the start and is this is this just noise pre-parade noise. No, a giant skyscraper was on fire on 43rd Street.

Yes. On 44th Street? 43rd, like right near the start. And I'm thinking like that time my house burned down in Carmel, the family's house in Carmel, New York, there was a playoff game, an NFL playoff game. It was a Sunday. It was a winner. And all of the firemen were drunk.

All of the volunteer firemen. We're drunk and were late showing up where they couldn't get in their car and show up. We heard all these reports. So I'm like, what a day to have a fire. St. Patrick's Day at the start of the parade. Oh, my God. Yeah. But no, if you Google it, like, and it was all over my feed within like a half hour.

A top of the skyscraper, it was bad. Like the smoke was, it did not look. I don't even know how they put out fires like that. Yeah. Amazing. Top floor. It was the roof, basically, of a really tall building. I always miss St. Patrick's Day, New York.

I used to march with my grandfather, Florence McCarthy, with the ancient order of Hibernians from the Bronx. Yeah. And they took that shit seriously, man. My grandfather was in the IRA. And those dudes used to put suits on and they would march with their heads straight up. And yeah, it was the real deal. We had a great dinner. I want to give a shout out to Keene.

that it needs at Keene Steakhouse. Keene's Chop House. Chop house, sorry. You've been a bunch. It's so, and by the way, I was trying to get a table for 14, right? The other restaurants crap their pants when I call them.

All of a sudden it's like, all right, well, it's $180 minimum per person, then alcohol and all this like service fees, a managerial fee. Like, meanwhile, I call Keynes. Keens is like 14. Yeah, what night?

Yeah. Well, the places. fucking huge. The room's just good. Did you get your own room? No. And that was the really cool part about it. Actually, like, own room is fine, but we were down in this really cool room next to this fireplace. I will say, new thing that you have not seen at Keynes. Upstairs is that is the, is another big dining room. And it's called the Lincoln room. And they have all this Lincoln memorabilia. For example, they have the, what they call the play bill that was under his seat when he was shot that. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have a replica gun. I don't know what that

gets you. But here's the new thing. And I went up there. And of course, it was so funny to see Sophie tell people how gay her dad is for Lincoln. That was fun. But we go up there and they now bought at auction the American flag that was draped over Lincoln's casket. Wow. Yeah, 37 stars. My sister's next door neighbor, Brian, is a music lawyer. He's huge and he collects Lincoln memorabilia. I'm going to bring you up to his house one day. He had so much Lincoln stuff that the town opened a museum and he moved all of his stuff in. And it's a good size museum.

It turns out he's just fully on the spectrum and all he has his pennies. But you all are like, wow, David, amazing collection of Lincoln memorabilia. Look at all these Lincoln's. He's got Lincoln Town cars out front. Well, you got to bring him to Keynes now that the flag is there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was probably online day one. Yeah, I'm sure.

So we got Oscar picks. We made our bets last week for the Oscars. And let's see how they turned out. Let's roll the clip. Yeah. All right. So we're saying $40 on the Oscars. Let it ride, baby.

Best picture. I'll go with one. One battle after another. Same with me. Best director, I'm taking Paul Thomas Anderson. Same with me. Best actor. This is boring.

I'm going to go DEI with Michael B. Jordan who played two roles in the movie. Same with me. Now, this is going great. Best actress Jesse Buckley for Hamnet is a lock. Same with me. Supporting actor. Sean Pan, one battle after another. Same with me.

Woon Me Mosaku for sinners. I'm going with Amy Madigan. Original screenplay. I'm going to go sentimental value. I'm going with Sinner. Adapted screenplay, I'm going with Hamnet. I'm going one battle after another. Casting.

One battle after another. I'm going Marty Supreme. Editing F1. I'm going to go Marty Supreme. Documentary feature, my nobody against Putin. I'll go with that. I'm going to write in the Diddy Documentary. That's who I want to win.

I think it's going to win somehow. I'm going with the perfect neighbor. Cinematography, I will go with... Oh, Jesus. I don't know what it is. I think one battle after another, is it the one that had that shot of them driving over the road and it was like a drone shot

that everybody was talking about? No, that was Frankenstein on the highway? Yes, of course, there was one battle after another. So I'm taking one battle after another for that. So am I. Okay, we can end it there. There's other things. Well, Mike, congratulations.

You just won the $40 that you owed me. You just won. So we're back to even. I don't think we're at even, we're going to get to in the comments because we had a bet about Middle East War. Okay. We'll get to that in the comments. But yeah, the Oscars were pretty predictable since the first five.

We both picked the same thing and got it. But yeah, I thought the award show was pretty boring. I do not. I'll say for the record Conan O'Brien, still makes me uncomfortable. I respect him. I think he's funny. it's just all about him and he's nervous. And I just, it's not, I don't love it.

I thought the bits were really, really good. But there were a little like too many. And having done a lot of these, including the Oscars, you really does, you can decide on the fly like, let's take our winnings and go home. Like, that's like, you know, let's, we, we did it. If you've won up top, we've shortened bits that Nikki does in the Globes as it goes as it goes on like on the fly decisions which we know we'll be we'll like we'll see how it goes

and um and also if the show's feeling a little long which they always do so just count on cutting we did an award show once it was the i heart radio awards and jamy fox was the host and we worked with him when you work with jimmy fox he shows up around 830 p.m and then you go out around town and you and he and he has a posse of about 11 guys in the writers room and we worked for three months putting together sketches we had we booked actors for bits and then jamie went on stage worked on the monologue i mean we had 11 guys johnny max worked on it who you know from oh yeah on these shows and like a lot of heavy hitters and we wrote incredible monologue jamy goes on stage jimmy's a little manic and proceeds to do

crowdwork for 20 minutes, which it should have been an 11 minute monologue, 20 minutes. So now we kill every other bit that we wrote. None of the material got used. But you know what? He did great. So you go like, whatever. I guess it's a win. Speaking of an in the moment guy, yeah, I see wrote Kevin Hart down here. That was announced. He's going to do the roast. And yeah, I don't. I mean, It's just announced. I don't know if I'm going to be a part of it. We'll see. But a part of me just thinks he's been roasted so much, you know?

That's why I wrote it down. I was very curious about what you thought about him as a roastie because, okay, he's short. And he does too much work. Takes on too many projects. Okay. That's it. Also, as the host of the last roast, he was. roasted all night. Right, right, right. So I think it's, well, I mean, you can answer this more

than me, but it's pretty hard to find a high profile person that's willing to put themselves in the crosshairs on a roast, right? I won't speak as an insider. I'll just speak as someone who knows, who just saw the chronology of this. That's why it's such a late announcement. I mean, that's my guess is like, it is really, really, really hard to get someone. Yeah. I'll do it. All righty. And the whole, the whole gist of the roast will be. Who the fuck is this guy?

Maroon. What? Right. Bald. Maroon. I wouldn't even say, all right. Yeah,

let's not go into it now. Tedesky trucks. Tell me about that concert you went to in New York. Oh my God. It was so, so great. But there was one funny New York moment. So I saw them twice at the beacon.

The first night I saw him, he had Jerry's guitar and all that. And I don't want to say. sound like an unhinged deadhead. So I'll just tell you a funny New York story. So the Beacon Man doesn't, it is old and they have very few urinals. So this concert had an intermission and it was the law and I know this is what women have been dealing with ever. Every woman made the joke like finally the roles are reversed. Like they could not believe how long the line of guys was. So anyway, we get towards the front, me and my buddy Joe get towards the front.

of the line and it now makes a right into the bathroom. This drunk guy walks up from the opposite side of the doorway and starts to go right in. And the guy in front of us is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, pal. And now you see how drunk the guy is? He kind of steps back and he looks at him like there's going to be a fight. And he clocks him for a second just visually. And then he starts to try to walk in again. The guy goes, pal, I told you like the line, look in front of you.

look at this whole line and the guy holly said i didn't even know if he could talk he was so drunk he just goes you know what you do you okay you just do you and mind your own business and then walk to the back line but joe and i died laughing because i think you do you is almost impenetrable like it's almost it's like you know it's like when you say to someone why are you so defensive? Like there's no way to wiggle out of that. Right, right, right. Because you just get defensive.

Don't be codependent. You do, you. Like mind your own business, Karen. It was so great. And then he stumbled to the back of the line, which I don't know if he made it because it was about a quarter mile. But they were incredible. They played the Stones Loving Cup.

They just were, they were unbelievable. And he played with Jerry Garcia's guitar? Not the second night. And the second night I saw. them Wednesday night was absolutely the best. And oh, two Dylan covers, uh, stones. It was, it was just phenomenal. Which by the way, we have to make a correction, uh, which I thought it was in here, but I don't see it. He did not buy Jerry Garcia's guitar. It was bought by somebody else and loaned it to, uh, Derek Trucks to play. He was at the auction, though. So it was

two guys at the auction. The collector being, I think, counseled and advised. by Derek trucks or whatever. Our logo, which is for the March Madness, was from Lawrence Tarpe. Thank you very much. Mike's got both balls. Yeah, I do. But you know what I don't have? I do not have the unders working for me.

The first seven games yesterday, today is Saturday. Friday, the first seven games were over. It's destroying me. That's all I'm going to say. Okay. The songs, we've gotten a few in. We appreciate that. They're good.

We need more. Keep sending the songs in. Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. What can I say about Blake Levan? This song is so amazed. They always are. And they're so good that somebody called out and said this has to be AI. And I said that on the air. Don't send AI. And Blake became offended. Rightfully so. and he took the time to send us a video of him laying down all of the tracks with instruments that he was playing and harmonizing.

Unbelievable. And I apologize, Mike. I don't think I sent you the song. But you guys heard a clip of it. Please stick around and listen to the whole song at the end. All right. And by the way, don't be intimidated by Blake. He's a pro.

Whatever you guys feel, put it down and see. send it in. It's just, it's a fun thing to do where we are sometimes blessed with an embarrassment of riches from someone like Blake, but it's, it's just fun to hear your guys take on it. Nice. Thank you, Blake. Corrections for the ethic. Oh, do we crinkle on corrections? Yeah, I don't got paper in Florida, man. I think I got a, I got a coffee. It's all humid. It's too humid to make a crinkle, man. For the ethical question, Mike asked, I need, we got a lot of these. I messed that up. We don't have to, we don't have to, I get it. I, short story is Mike said that a professor said to a student, I need an egg donor.

Is it okay to ask a former student? And then you somehow flip flop that halfway through into being a sperm donor. And I kind of called you on it and then you said, you gave me shit. Right. So people defended me. Yeah. I mean, not even even remembering it. Honestly, Greg, I don't know how you put up with him. Let's make sure he takes his adderil before every show.

Love you, Carol. I thought he wanted the egg still in the student, you know? That's the way you do an implantation. Fuck a petri dish. Well, you literally are fucking a petri dish. Fuck the girl with the egg. That's my new novel. Sunday Papers is my favorite podcast, followed closely by the Greg Fitzsimmons show.

It's not called the Greg Fitzsimmons show. It's not called the Greg Fitzsimmons. However, this week during the Oscar predictions, I dare you to try to listen. Mike is apparently in another room doing the dishes. Oh, all right. We already covered this. All right.

We already covered that. That's Toby. Toby's very upset. Ryan in Chicago. Ryan in Chicago says Greg totally misrepresented why chat roulette was such a fiasco. Yes, there were a lot of dudes pleasuring themselves, but it's so much worse. Chat roulette was not supposed to be a porn site.

It was meant to be a fun way to chat with random people. Inevitably, it became a lot of dudes exposing themselves jacking off the unline equivalent of the flasher in the trench. What do you mean? That's why it was a success. That's why we know about it. That's why we're talking about it in 2026. Yes.

It was the funniest thing ever. Oh, it really was. It was almost as good as MeatSpin. Was that the link that you would send people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Spin.com was fantastic. Meetspin was like you would say to somebody,

hey, there's this really cute cat video. Check it out. And then you click on the link. And it's a close up of a guy's hand at the base of his cock spinning at 360 degrees. Pretty quickly. There was a lot more to that visual than you're even saying, which made it even multiple levels of shock.

I also, it became a running joke when we, I was the head writer on David Spade's showbiz show on Comedy Central. and it was a running joke. So I got the writing staff t-shirts that said, meetspin.com, and that's all it said. And Jesse Klein, who's an amazing writer and went on to great success in New York writing for Amy Schumer's show and so much more.

Anyway, she's so fucking cool. Anyway, she comes into work one of the last days and goes, oh my God. She's like, so I spin? And she goes, I didn't realize. it, but I just was wearing the t-shirt you gave me this morning, whatever it was a couple of days ago. And I wore it in the spin class. The next spin class, all these women came up to me like, what the F?

Are you insane? She's like, they were like, I was with my kids. I thought I was going to get spin gear because I liked your shirt and I thought it was a spin site. And I went on in front of my kids. Then we got Aaron who said the question about Uncle Sam is very misleading. We talked about the that we want, I want you thing. I said it was for World War II. It was actually for World War I recruitment.

I was off by 20 years. Thanks, Aaron. You want to read these, Mike? All right. These are from the YouTube comment. This is from the YouTube. I like it. Fitz weaseling his way.

This is from J.D. Valanka or J.D. Vlanka. I could go on. Fitzwisling his way to a win on a technicality was unreal. Mike definitely won that bet. This is about when the U.S. attacked Iran. Another one. Mike won Iran bet despite twice proposing before the 28th, because after the second proposal, Greg finalized it differently saying attack Iran. by February 28th. So by, not before. Now, Greg, just to add an extra layer onto this, if you literally Google this phrase, what time of day, Pacific time zone did the U.S. attack Iran at the end of February? That's all you type into Google. It pops up AI overview. Based on reports of the military action on February 28, 26, the joint U.S. Israeli strikes on Iran began at approximately 10.15 p.m. Pacific time on

Friday, February 27th, 2026. Oh, was the attack in California? Is that why we're judging it by PST? I'm just saying this is an airtight. And I like the comment before that you said by February 28th. All right. Well, it's at least a push. All right. If it's a push or whether it was the bet, you just won all the money back on the Oscar. So if the bet had gone up to 60 instead of 40, it's still even now. So it's moot. It's not.

We let more money ride on the bet. So in other words, I think this 20 was not factored in. It comes back to me. All right. We might let a ride on something else. Let's go on. Okay.

Read the next one. Mike, how can you not know or whatever have a pick? That's all sick. that's all what he wrote here. Anyway, basically, how can you not have a pick for cinematography? Just, and you just conceded with Greg's pick when you so highly praised the cinematography nominee train dreams. You know what? You are right, Suncat Pop. I dropped the ball there. I would have lost because it didn't win. They gave cinematography, shockingly, to sinners, in my opinion. And anyway, even when they showed the clips of the nominees,

it was night and day, which was a level above. Like train dreams, you could like chat roulette. You can just pop in anywhere and you will be shocked, just like chat roulette. You don't even need words in train dreams. You could literally watch the cinematography for an hour and 40 minutes. Right. It is true. And people say it might be helped because some people were bothered by the voiceover in train dreams.

And I make room for that. I hate voiceover. It's such a cheat for a writer to use voiceover. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your favorite movies of all time have all had voiceover. Goodfellas. Yeah. Raising Arizona. By the way, it's the top 10 movies of all, Sunset Polaro, top 10 movies of all time, Tarantino's movies. So many. I take it back. I think you're right when it's used that way. When it's used well like Goodfellas, I think it's another layer to the

experience. Yes, it's got to be a layer. It can't be the narrative. You can't, you can't push all the story with, with the voice. Like, I feel like, like, Stephen Spielberg uses it poorly. Right. All right. Let's get to the last one. Joe Blow says Google Search AI mode is death to fits fast. While WC. Fields did not have a famous movie scene and a rowboat at Toluca the lake, he filmed a legendary golf scene there for his 1932 short film, The Dentist. The dentist is so fucking funny. I watched the algorithm. I could have sworn.

But you know what it is? Here's the truth. W.C. Fields used to row his boat as a person, not an actor, to, what's the golf course? Sounds like you're doubling down. Lakeside. Sounds like you're doubling down again. Okay. Somebody can check on that.

I'll tell you right now. He literally used to row his boat to go play golf. Tour dates coming. Speaking of traveling, I will be in Bakersfield at the Well on April 18th. Escondido at Grand Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th. Coming up to Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th, and 30th. The week after that, I will be in Algonquin, Maine, and somewhere in New Hampshire. Go to Fitzdog.com for tickets and details.

Also, as always, want to shout out Gotham Productions, studios, Gotham Production Studios, I think is the full name. One day you're going to learn it. Well, they did a nice piece later on that we're going to show. They just did the Oscar picks. They did the Sweet 16. So above and beyond, we thank them very much for taking this podcast to another level. And Matt's our man at Gotham and arguably the most patient person I've ever met.

I mean, look what he has to deal with. You should see us at the top of this when we're trying to get our act together, which clearly we fail at every week. It makes the podcast look tight. I don't say that, but, I mean, he's not a miracle worker. Speaking of miracles, you ever wake up sweaty, freezing, or just uncomfortable? The temperature in your bedroom can completely mess with your sleep. That's why I switched to miracle-made sheets.

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guarantee, so there's no risk. That's tri-miracle. Not miracles. Tri-Mirical.com slash papers. Code papers. Do it now. You'll thank us later. Nice. Oh, let's go to the front page. There's a crank-off. We are. 30 minutes in. Pennsylvania State Senator Doug Mastriano is so upset that, Some businesses fly pride flags in the city of Gettysburg that he posted a 700-word diatribe demanding they be taken down. Mastriano, who is present at the Capitol riots on January 6th, entitled his screen, Gettysburg at a crossroad, will we preserve our heritage as America turns 250? He said, Gettysburg, the site of a pivotal Civil War battle, and the end of Abraham Lincoln's fame Gettysburg address,

is sacred ground whose heritage has been dishonored by pride symbols. He said the town has become increasingly defined by radical activism. Wait a minute. I thought the idea was that all men are created equal, although the guys who are bears seem to get treated a lot better on Gettysburg Grindr app. I will say that. Yeah. 700 words, you know, the Gettysburg Address, which,

which literally, you know, is, will be more ironically, will be immortal, unlike Abraham Lincoln predicted, which the words would soon be forgotten or never remembered. His was 272 words. Hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. The substack version of the Gettysburg address. And remembering Gettysburg as Lincoln wanted us to, very specifically in his words, was the. opposite of storming the United States Capitol.

That's not what those boys died there for. And I heard he wants to change it now. So when they do the Civil War reenactment at Gettysburg, the guys that traditionally played the flutes are now going to have to play double-neck guitars with skulls on them. Yeah. It's all going to be Freebird. Yeah.

Although, you know, Lincoln did say in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, and we cannot hollow this ground. So, I mean, bring all the gay stuff you got. Yeah. The government can. It's not hollowed ground, according to Lincoln. Yeah. Right.

Because of the Gettysburg address. A dancing robot went wild at a California hot pot restaurant, smashing dishes and sending chopsticks flying instead of doing the robot. Maybe the funnest headline of the day. The robot was captured on. video at the Heidelio location approaching a table before pounding on it, then knocking over utensils and food in front of customers. Service can be seen struggling to restrain the robot while it wildly dances. Eventually, three servers are needed to hold onto the robot by a strap

on its neck, pulling it away from tables as it continues to shuffle its feet and gesticulate. Are they sure it wasn't just Andy Dick in a Star Wars costume? This sounds like dinner and a show. I, where, where is this place? And isn't that what you're supposed to do in a hot pot restaurant? Exactly. Which I've never heard of before. I haven't, but, uh, I mean, Jesus, two horrible examples of AI gone haywire in two weeks. First, the Navy bombs a school in Tehran and now R2D2 spills the guy's soup dumplings. It's getting worse. Seems to get increasingly bad. United Airlines, this is news today. I mean, we all knew it was going to happen, the price of travel, but it's now official. United Airlines to cut 5% of scheduled flights as fuel prices soar.

And a message to employees, the CEO, Scott Kirby, said the airline industry is preparing for a period of elevated oil prices, which could drive higher operating costs and force adjustments to capacity and pricing. He said the airline is going to cut about 5% of price. planned capacity in the near term, including trimming off-peak flights and suspending selected international routes to manage higher fuel costs. First of all, how can United get worse? I am in Florida. I tried to book yesterday a United flight back. Yes, of course, they're more expensive now. But I see the option. You must deal with this every week, Greg. I see the option for the price. and I'm like, that's less than American and blah, blah, blah, I'll take that.

And then you do, you have to like check off all the things to get your, before you pay. And it's like, do you want a seat? I'm like, yeah. Yes. I was thinking of sitting during the flight. Well, you have to pay for that. All right, unless you take the bare minimum price where they're going to assign you one. And I saw where the seats that were like in that pool, they're way.

I mean, it's like last row. It's basically back against the bathroom. Then it's like, yeah, you can bring a tiny bag, you know, the one that fits under under, but no carry on. I'm like not even a, I'm not talking about a check bag. They're also digging you for the carry on. And then it gets so expensive. So F United. No.

And now, did you hear now they're going to charge for bathroom visits? It's $10 for a piss, 25 to drop a deuce. First class, they can go nuts. They go in, they can masturbate, they can do whatever they want. How much is it for you and coach to reduce your stress in the bathroom and self-soothe? $1,000. And I pay it. That's the best $1,000 I ever spent.

You're looking for that option on the site, yeah. I mean, with these prices, in response, I will be cutting 5% of my tour dates, starting with the Green Bay Chucklehut. That's the first 5% that goes. Charge a little more for your pins that you sell. Let me tell you something. My pins, they're killing me now because I used to spend $2 a pin. And now with the tariffs in China, it's gone up to $450.

What? And then I give a dollar of it to Best Buddies, the charity. I'm losing money. Fitzdog tariffs. Oh, my God. Has it ever been questioned in TSA? The pins? The big bag of metal.

Every single time I go through TSA, they open my bag. and then they look at it. And it's always some guy who goes, pins. Why do you have a hundred pins in your bag? Because I'm going to take over, coach. I'm going to threaten everybody and stab them with a Fitzdog pin. Here's my advice to you. I forget what it was I was traveling with.

That got questioned a lot. It might have even been like when I travel with this microphone and stuff, for some reason it gets dinged and they just want to take a look at it put it take it out man just take out your bag of pins and put it separately oh that's a good idea yep oh great idea okay they won't even like yeah there's a there's a whatever a zip lock or whatever make it a clear bag i talked a talent to doing this and so but he ended up doing magnets instead and he goes you want to talk about it and flag how about bringing 20 pounds of magnets on on a plane.

It's planes constantly making a left turn because all the meters, all the readings are off. That's great.

All right, President Trump on Thursday invoked Japan's December 1941 attack on Pearl Harbor when speaking about recent

U.S. Israeli strikes on Iran while at the White House with Japanese Prime Minister Sané Takachi. Asked by a reporter

why the U.S. didn't tell Japan or other about its decision to strike Iran before it did so. The president said, quote, we went in very hard and we didn't tell anybody because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan?

Okay, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? Just ignoring the fact that this is an ally asking the question. You believe in surprise, I think, much more than us. Trump's comment drew a few laughs from J.D. Vance, Marco Rubio and Pete Hegseth. just they love it and the base loves it they love trump roasting he just and they didn't even print the other stuff was so bad he also said we could tell you were surprised by that look on all of your eyes and i thought that went too hard and then he goes we wanted it to be a surprise you know

like when you're getting a happy ending from a japanese lady and she pops a boner like that's that's not helping us and then he goes we did tell you there would be a surprise and you thought we said we were sending supplies oh is that what it was yes so he did tell them nice

I think that's on them he thought it was very funny he's like that's really funny it's not like I bombed when I bombed when we bombed that was 45 you know about that last June the man credit

with introducing President Trump to his wife, asked the administration for a favor. Palo Zampoli, a modeling agent, had learned that his Brazilian ex-girlfriend was in a Miami jail arrested on charges of fraud at the workplace. They had been in a custody battle over the teenage son. He saw an opportunity. He reached out to a top official at immigration and custom enforcement,

explained that his ex was in the country illegally. So basically, somebody from ICE reached out to somebody in the Trump administration, and this chick got sent to a fucking deportation jail. So, wow. I don't know how that turns out, but no one is taking this story more seriously than the first lady right now. Yeah. I want a new documentary about her struggle, her enjailment. Melania, more like me, ganya. Is that, it's, this is a little wordplay section of the podcast. Megonia.

That's all you do is restate it. She gonia? She ghania. We're getting further away from it. All right, let's get to the ethical question. You got it, Pally. All right. Now, here's the ethical question.

question. Is it okay to tip a barista more because you're with like a business associate? What's the question? Is it okay? You're with somebody you work with. Is it ethical that you tip more in front of them than you do when it's you alone? Oh, I see. Because you're not, you're not, you don't normally. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that's ethics. I don't know. I mean, I think when people are on dates, for example, hopefully they've gotten the memo if they're not naturally like this, to at least pretend they're really polite to the staff,

you know, pleases and thank yous. Because that'll rule you out fast as it should. I'm going to say it's not an ethical situation. All right. Here's a better one. All right. And you punch in your pin code in an ATM machine. You ask for $100.

It pays you out $300. Do you report it to the bank or do you take the money? Report what? The extra money you know. No, that's what that's, I'm saying. That's my trick. No one saw nothing. All right.

That's on them. All right. They have enough fees. They're digging me with in the fine print to make up for it. This was submitted to us by our producer who asked, Is it okay to be titillated or excited by pictures of your girlfriend when she was under 18? Yeah, this was funny. I know it doesn't sound funny.

But he kind of made a reference to under 18 is a, is a is a big net you know what I mean yeah so you don't want to think about that uh let's call it 17 let's call it 17 and let's say here's my theory on it when I think about girls from high school we don't I I think they should remain nameless I redact their names they were my go-to girls in high school and they do occasionally show up in the Rolodex today. Now, they were 16, 17 at the time. Is it okay that I'm thinking about an underage girl now? My answer is, if you knew them before and you have previously pleasured, then you are grandfathered in. You just can't take on a new under 18 year old later. I think maybe if you were their boyfriend when they were.

were 17 and you were relatively age appropriate within a year or two hopefully. Then I think it's just a, you know, it's a memory. You were there. So you're saying mine was a false memory, so I'm not allowed to read. So if I were a lawyer trying to argue against you that it's not all right, right? I would do so it's slippery slope. So don't comment on slippery. So I would say, okay, so then it's okay for a 45-year-old man to create an AI version of this woman at 17 years old and have a relationship with it?

That sounds creepier. No, well, you can't. Grock does that, by the way. Oh. Yeah. Why am I telling people that? Grocking. Grocking is going to be the new word for

for masturbation. Not guling. Entertainment. Michigan isn't over. Damn it. What? Let's go to entertainment. Do it.

Okay. So we got the Oscar. Do we already play the Oscars clip? Yes. We did. Okay. So that was that. The other entertainment question is.

Want to bet on it? We played it. Hatchet Book Group, one of the largest publishers in the U.S. pulled a forthcoming horror novel on Thursday following widespread allegations that the author relied heavily on artificial intelligence to write the book. It was removed from Amazon. Basically, they decided not to publish Shy Girl, which was due out in the U.S. this spring, after conducting a thorough and lengthy review of the text. It was published last fall in Great Britain

and has sold 1,800 print copies. And then the publisher put out a statement 14 seconds after discovering the incident. Here's, you want to know? Here's the horror movie. She, this author, sells 1,800 copies. She's excited. She has a wine.

She goes to bed. She hears her computer. Ding. It's an email. And it's like, why are you lying? Ding, are you going to keep a lot? Ding, ding. AI now is going to kill her.

Yes. Dude, you got a screenplay on your hands right there. It all of a sudden is in the car, her Tesla, which she bought with her advance on the book copy. All of a sudden the Tesla is driving into the pole. Then a smile comes up on the screen. A man approaches her at a book signing, goes back to her place. They begin to make love. and then all of a sudden his wires

shored out. Then it becomes a horror story of her trying to hide from AI and that's the whole sort of meat of the movie is you see how hard it is to hide from AI.

I love it. I love it. Get sit, take some adderol and fucking crank up the typewriter, my friend. I am not ambitious. I don't do those things. Let us make America, Florida. Here it is. And Matt, if we should probably try to show this picture, I got it. I think he put it out himself, so I think it might be in the fair use territory.

But I believe I got this one. It's everywhere. I'm not going to tell you where I got from. Florida man goes viral for crazy likeness. Quote, I am not Jeffrey Epstein. I'm Palm Beach Pete. Oh, it's Palm Beach Pete. I think even now, Palm Beach Pete might be a worse name than Jeffrey Epstein.

Right. And he's in Palm Beach. Yeah. A Florida man has been forced to shoot down the latest Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy after becoming a viral sensation for being the spitting image of the notorious sex trafficker. Greg, look at him in the car. First of all, okay, a couple of things. If you're going to dress like a 50 to early 60s something. something douchebag, you're already getting close to Epstein.

You know what I mean? Yeah, he's got to. He has the sunglasses in a convertible with his baseball cap backwards, the gray hair. So this says the silver shirt, the polo shirt. Yeah. The silver-haired square jawed stranger found himself unexpectedly going viral after someone filmed him driving his convertible down a highway in the sunshine state, suggesting he was the p.

Are we off the algorithm just because I'm reading a news story? who had a Florida home and who has many conspiracy theorists, they refused to believe he's dead. Epstein is alive. Epstein is alive, the man who shot the video yelled sending social media into a meltdown. Wow. Yep.

But it's just Palm Beach, Pete. Palm Beach, Pete, well, I... He should sell photos. He should pose with people. He should be out on the street. Dollar a pick. Dollar a selfie. Las Vegas.

He should go to Las Vegas and put that hat he's gone upside down, put it upside down on the street. Remember Zach Galefenakis was in Vegas, the actual Zach Galefinacus, and he began getting money pretending he was a Zach Gaffanacus impersonator on the street. A short bit down from an impersonator,

like on the same side of the sidewalk, yeah. And he got less money than the other guy. They didn't buy it. Kind of look like him. He gained weight. Yeah. That's like those stories of who was the most, the first one I heard it with was, uh, uh, who, who's one of our favorite comedians who's totally clean and he does the,

Nate Braggazzi? Have a good trip. You too. You too. Brian, Brian Regan. Brian Regan, uh, got a sitcom deal, as you should have. You should, they should be lining up still even. And, uh, he audits.

He auditioned for the casting call, which literally said a Brian Regan type. And he did not get the role. Yeah. And that's happened to so many. I think it happened to Keitlinger, too. Yeah. Did it happen to you at one point? It did.

When I did, there was an episode of crashing, and I wrote on crashing. And in the episode, which was written by Pete Holmes, there was a character named Greg Fitzsimmons. and it described me and he had two scenes and then I was asked to audition for the part while we were in production

we were literally shooting the episode and I'm in New York on location and they made me go in Pete's trailer with Jet Appetown and audition for the role and I was so fucking nervous I'd be nervous to play great for Simmons

I know it's typecasting all right let's make America feel again. Wait, I just want to say one thing. Do you remember that whole cycle of Hollywood? Who's Brian Regan? Get me Brian Regan. Get me a Brian Regan type. Who's Brian Regan? Oh, where is that from? It's just the cycle of fame in Hollywood. Interesting. Yeah. Although I still think he's killing it. He's so, he's so good. It's not specific to Brian Reagan. I know, I know, I know. It's a nice example. All right. Philly, you're going to crank we're making America Philly.

There we go. Philly man arrested in South Carolina for assaulting a school crossing guard, of course. Rachine Russell 29 of West Philadelphia, who was accused of punching a school crossing guard outside of Walnut Street Elementary and Darby was arrested Friday

in South Carolina after fleeing the state. Russell is charged with aggravated assault and several related offenses. Of course, there's related offenses. If you arrest any Philly man, there's going to be multiple strikes against them. Deputy Robert Clark condemned the assault, noting the size difference between the suspect and the victim, of course.

I want you to understand, he said, the message for those who don't live in these communities, the message is it is not normal for us to beat up on women. So just for the record, this is me talking now. That has to be explained to Philadelphia people. outside of Philly. It is not normal. Yeah. And then continue.

It is not okay to strike your partner in domestic violence or in a neighborhood. That is the message we should be sending today. That's what he's saying. Wow. Yeah. By the way, that's not exactly a strong statement. It's not okay. He came to.

even go as far to say it's wrong to strike your partner in domestic violence. Right. No, it's not, you know what? It's kind of not cool. Kind of not cool, Philly. Try to be cooler. It's not okay to call somebody gay who's on the next while you're sitting court side. Right.

But I mean, it's like, yeah, it's not, it's not human to strike your partner. How about that? And you're not humans, Philly. You're not. And I think Philly's going to have a don't punch your domestic partner in the face month every April. Yeah. And they need it. Yeah.

Maybe a cup, maybe half the year. Yeah. All right. Let's get to sports. Here we go. All right. So it is March Madness. And we have been provided with the March Madness Sunday Papers, Sweet 16.

And so what we're doing is we're going to read six. of the top weird stories from the year or big stories from the year. And we are going to start to wean them down week by week. It will be eight next week, four the next week. And then by the end of March Madness, we will have the face off between the two survivors. So we're going to rip through these real fast. Matchup, left side. This is the left side of the bracket, which is about power and progress.

All right. Okay. So the first matchup is the Vatican versus the middle. East. Oh, I'd like to see. Is that a war? I'd like to see that. First story. Finally. Pope Leo, Chicago-born Cardinal Robert Prevost made history as the first ever American Pope, bringing a centrist but socially progressive windy city energy to the Vatican. My whole thing is, all right, he's from Chicago. How do you believe in God when you're a White Sox fan? He's literally a White Sox fan, which is kind of a relief because a lot of the past Pope's

had been Cub Scouts fans. Maybe that is what in the conclave, maybe is that that's what they talked about the most, which is, can you imagine how much faith he has? It's immeasurable. Yeah, living in. For him to still believe. Yeah, right.

And the city with the highest homicide rate, the most wind, and the worst accent, he still believes in God. He still thinks there's a benevolent thing watching over us. Now, this goes up against the Gaza peace plan, a landmark 20-point diplomatic roadmap that finally secured a lasting ceasefire and a path to a reconstruction after years of devastating conflict. Now, instead of the Gaza peace plan, shouldn't we call it the Gaza peace plan since the Palestinians have needed a lot of gauze for their wounds two weeks after the fighting resumed? What was the Japanese wordplay? I like this one better. Gaza.

I like it. Now, if these two, is the idea that this is a matchup, they're going against each other? Yeah, they're going against each other. Well, one's real. The guy is a piece, but comparing it to Pope Leo, that's as if, like, he wasn't a pope two days later. Like, he was for two days. Yeah. But he's not a pope.

Like, it's not, that's not, it's not, you can't even use the word pope. Like, you can't use the word peace. Yeah. It's like he killed. a rabbi the next day after becoming Pope. So I'm going with the Pope. All right, we'll go with the Pope. Our matchup number two is luxury Reno versus leadership change.

The White House had a 90,000 square foot ballroom. This sparked national debate by demolishing the White House East Wing to build a massively, privately funded 90,000 square foot ballroom for state dinners. And I mean, what's nice is he big. based the design on mid-century modern and the Spearmint Rhino in Fort Lauderdale. That's exactly what's going to be, so Trump feels at home with a lot, well, maybe a little more gold than the spiruteman rhino. Oh, I wish I bought stock in gold paint the week before this happened. Yep.

Lead-based gold paint. And now this goes against Prime Minister Mark Carney, the former central banker turned economic saviour, was sworn in as Canada's Prime Minister, promising to stabilize the country's housing market. And I heard his whole plan is bring back igloos in Canada. Love it. You know what? It should be a two-point plan. Igloos.

And how about ballrooms? Yeah. Just let Trump put ballrooms all over the north side of the border. And this goes up against the AI takeover versus the greasy grin. Oh, no, wait, isn't the matchup either we have to pick Mark Carney versus the ballroom? I'm going ballroom. I'm going ballroom. Yeah, I think we're going to be similar. There's one down the list that we might differ on. Okay. Matchup number three, the AI takeover versus the greasy grin.

Deep seek AI dominance, the Chinese startup stunned Silicon Valley by releasing a low-cost AI model that outperformed West. Western giants effectively shifting the global balance of tech power. I mean, sure. Sure, they've got that, but we got a dancing robot at the sushi place. The hot pot, the hot pot restaurant. The hot pot restaurant. I know. This AI is a little specific to the Chinese startup, but also, once I heard greasy grin,

I'm not even listening to the AI story anymore. Get to the greasy grin. Get to the greasy grin. Okay. KFC fried chicken toothpaste. Done. What started as an April Fool's joke became a viral reality when KFC released a finger-licking fresh toothpaste that tasted exactly like 11 herbs and spices. I did not know about this, but done.

And the best part is, after you brush your teeth with it, you immediately want to fight an employee of KFC. You want to jump behind the counter. Do you spit in a bucket when you're brushing your teeth? Yeah, all right, and this goes against... No, it's those two. I'm going with chicken toothpaste. Yeah, chicken toothpaste for sure. Done.

That one. Matchup number four. How many matches are? I think what we should do is, let's do four, and then next week we'll do the other four. Sounds great. Okay, so the next one is Digital Ghost Town versus Real World Shift. The meta melt. Mark Zuckerberg finally pivoted away from the metaverse after a multi-billion-dollar long.

Losses ending the era of Horizon worlds to focus entirely on physical AI hardware. Yeah. I don't, do you understand that? Well, basically, he's, yeah, he, what, because remember the, also the AI was it, the virtual reality world and all that stuff? Um, I don't know, uh, but it's focusing on the AI hardware. I thought they were leaving. The AI hardware. So it's the robots and the, I guess, machinery that's controlled by AI versus the software.

If we can't even understand it, then I think we're, we're not, I'm going with smart free childhood. A massive grassroots movement led to a global unplugging with several countries passing laws to ban smartphones in schools for children under 14. Well, this is, it sounds like they're, they're banning hardware. Good luck. Exactly. Good luck, meta. They did this in Australia and, and I think it's even older than 14 in Australia. And now I think California is doing it as well.

I loved it when I read that news. But you know, what's interesting also, one of my daughters got off Instagram, and a lot of kids are choosing to do that. And I know more are not choosing to do that, but there is a fatigue, never mind depression that they are becoming aware of and aware of the cause. And so I like that there's a movement away from it, even without laws. No, I get fatigue also with my phone. Like sometimes I'll watch it for like 16 minutes and then I'll get extremely fatigued and have to kind of take a nap. and sometimes even a shower.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We're going to get to the other ones. All right. So we'll get to the other ones. That's the left side of the Sweet 16.

We've narrowed the eight down to four. And we'll see. And we'll pick some more next week. All right. Let's get to this day in history. Oh, you know what? I never say this. It's a good one.

It's a good one. Really? Yeah. Okay. You ready? Yeah. we talked about this last week. I don't think I mentioned the day it closed, though. Alcatraz shut down on this day in what year? By the way, during its operation, 36 men attempted to escape,

and five are still listed as missing, but presumed drowned. It was ultimately shut down because of high costs. And it's months after becoming part of the National Park Service, Alcatraz Island, had more visitors than in the previous 120 years combined. So what year, give or take, 10 years, what year did Alcatraz stop being a prison? Well, there was the Birdman of Alcatraz, right? You're just mentioning things you know about Alcatraz.

Okay. I believe some of the mafia. I'm going to say 1935. So close. 63? Recent. No shit. Ready?

Twitter co-founder, Jack Dorsey, sent the first public tweet ever on this day in what year, give or take four years? 2006. It's 2006. No. Yeah, baby! And the first tweet said, Ryan Seacrest is gay. That's perfect. Okay, you're ready?

Okay. In one of the most famous cliffhangers in American television. I mean, I think it is still number one. This is going to be Dallas, I bet. Season three of Dallas ended with the shooting of J.R. Right. The phrase, who shot J.R? entered the lexicon of American

popular culture, give or take three years. What year was this finale? 1986. I knew I should do three years. That's perfect. 1980.

Damn. No, 80. And 82 was MASH, I think, the finale. Oh. Yeah. Okay, we got a lot of serious civil rights things, but let's

get you one here, uh, that you're going to like, uh, all right. I wouldn't be good at this. And I hate to admit that. Uh, Bach, Johann Sebastian Bach, uh, was born on this day in what year? I'm going to give you 100 years. I'm going to say 16.10. Man, you're in the century. So you got it.

1685. That was a complete dart throw. I went far back because he gave me so many years. I figured it must have been a long time ago. You could have told me 1780. I would have been like, yeah, man, Bach, of course, 1780. Yeah. Last one.

The Augusta National Golf Club hosted the first Masters Tournament. Such an unfortunate name. Masters Tournament in Augusta, Georgia. In what year, give or take 10 years? I think it was 1800. I think it was late 1800s. I'm going to go 1890. I think it was still a plantation then. It's 1934. How many years did you give me?

Did we even say it? Maybe I said, 10. Oh, did I? Maybe I even forgot to say, but boy, were you, I would not have said that much. That we know. And by the way, fun fact, back then in 1934, mandatory. the caddies, this is not a joke, had to be black. The only part of that that's a joke is that was for the next 50 years. Yeah. About.

It was till scarily recent times. While Tiger Woods, the first Masters Tiger Woods won when he was like, what was he like 19? Blacks were not allowed at the club. And he got a lot of shit for playing at the tournament at a course that didn't allow black players. It's wrong in so many ways. I know. All right.

Let's get down to obituaries. All right. Hold on. I have some material on the obituaries. Obviously Chuck Norris. Charles famous karate. Was he karate? What was his martial arts?

Mixed martial arts. Oh, was mixed martial arts. Yeah. There's the famous. And then, you know, later on, and TV. What was the name of his TV show? And Conan would constantly show the clip.

Oh, God. That dealt with AIDS with the young, the guy from Haley Joel Osmet, the actor, as a young boy. Yeah. Texas Walker, Texas Ranger. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so anyway, you know Chuck Norris. Oh, my God. Remember when he, his fight against.

Bruce Lee? What was that? I think it was. Didn't he train Bruce Lee? Dragon. I don't know about that. Yeah, he did. He trained Bruce Lee at one point.

That sounds like a fits fact, but this one might be true. Anyway, I found some funny stuff on Reddit. There were some Chuck Norris jokes, you know, a man's man. Chuck Norris walked into a feminist convention and walked out with a sandwich and his shirt ironed. That's what a man he was. All right. Yes, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee trained together for about three years in the late 60s, primarily in Bruce Lee's backyard.

Rather than a formal student-teacher relationship, they met in 68, developed a close friendship and frequently sparred. All right, so he didn't train him. They trained together. So I get 50% on that. Also, Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they're just the islands. It's such a dumb joke, but it makes me giggle.

That's good. All right, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up with the funnies. Every week, oh, wait. Every week we do the comedy captioned contest spelled with K's. We give you one comic strip. You write your punchlines. You send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

Always put your name directly underneath your joke. We then choose our feature. favorites, read them, choose a winner, and send that person a coozy. And that will happen shortly after. Last week's comic, two knights in armor fighting against each other. There's castles in the background. One of them has his sword aimed at the other guy, and the other guy's sword is bent and drooping in his hand. And he's looking down at it wide-eyed and not happy.

Maddie from New Jersey said, I don't like my chances. I like this callback. I like the callback to my Rogaine ad. Yeah. Sean said, on guard, you limp-tard. Okay, Sean. Yeah. It's kind of cute.

All right. Radu, Simpion said, I promise this never happens. And I'm gay, too. Oh, wow. He had a little twist in the tail there. Okay, Reddoo. Give it a shake and squeeze the handle. Let's do this already.

Yeah, yeah, get that thing firm. That was David Bentley. Kurt said Gregor was completely deflated when Victor showed up in the exact same outfit. Is that what did it? Yeah, that'll kill you. That'll take your boner away. You know, you skipped one, and I think that one's kind of funny. Kurt also wrote, aw, I thought we agreed to silly swords, to silly swords.

Although, it doesn't work with his horrible. expression. That's the only problem. Yeah. But I do like that you avoided all the go-to and first impulse jokes. And that would be a funny thing that the guy would say or unexpected, but not with those eyes. Albert said, I fucked your wife, too. Seems like that's the guy with the mask saying that, which is not really the idea here. I don't think.

I like the brevity. And I like that that's in the vein of what we normally enjoy. the joke. Yeah. Brian Meyer said it was at this moment, Sir Gregory realized he had grabbed his grandfather's sword by mistake. Yeah. It took a while to get there. And yeah, it's okay.

Sure. Adam Copeland said it's not my fault. The Trojans took away all of the feeling. It's pretty good. Yeah. It's not bad. Double use on Trojans. Yeah.

Double meaning there. All right. So we like that one. You want to go with that? I don't think it's coozy worthy, but it's good. All right, Adam, congratulations. You won this week, but we're not sending you a coozy. I think that's the most honest way of stating it.

I like that a lot. All right, let's go to the pros now. We got a letter from someone, an email, I think, and the guy's moving to Thailand, and he wants a coozy for his Thai beers, and I'm going to get it out to the guy. I go back to L.A. in the next couple of days. He's leaving in a couple of weeks, so you've got to get it in the mail right away.

I'm going to get it in the mail. I like that guy. Hager is talking to Lucky, and he goes, if only my wish would come true. And Lucky goes, refrain from magical thinking. And in the second frame, Lucky's got a mermaid on his lap. And Hagger goes, says the fellow who prefers mermaids for girlfriends. Yeah. Okay.

Now, what is a mermaid in the medieval times? Was this some kind of a subliminal vision of a woman that they get to control who has no legs to run from them? Hard to spread her legs. Yeah, it's all anal. Mermaids are all about the anal. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Let's go down to the lockhorns. Leroy is kicking back on a chair. Loretta's standing there with her mother. They look very pissed off, arms crossed. Leroy goes, shouldn't one of you be playing good cop? That's good. And then we got...

All right, before blonde, do you want me to do the onion? Do the onion. Well, now I got another lockhorn. Okay. Loretta's talking to the doctor. She goes, I have a constant headache. but he couldn't come with me today. That's all right.

That's good. Yeah. All right, we were talking about airlines and how disappointing they are and how, boy, are they nickel and dimeing you. Well, the onion was on to that. Here it is right here. There's a picture of a woman like a flight attendant

going down the aisle with a garbage bag. And the headline is Southwest Airlines begins assigning chores. It's perfect. It's perfect. That's amazing. That's what it's coming to. I love it.

I love it. All right. Let's take it over to our favorite couple. And when I say favorite couple, favorite woman, Blondie is sitting where they're back to this fucking lazy numbskull, and she's got a newspaper in her hand. He's got his hands in his pocket. She goes, what's a seven-letter word for annoyed?

And he goes, that depends. He says, is it a little annoyed or a lot of, She goes, annoyed, annoyed. And he goes, this isn't about your crossword puzzle, is it? She goes, what's a two-letter word for no? Oh. And then she said, what's a four-letter word for Dagwood? And he said, C-U-C-K?

She said, exactly. That's a good one. She said, what's a seven-letter word for after Dagwood goes to sleep? and he said V-I-B-R-A-T-O-R. Nice. Look at you. I don't know if that's seven.

You should ask AI to make these frames and it might just do it on the first ask. By the way, does anyone know how to, like, I've asked it to make things like, put in a photo of Diddy like next to this friend of ours, right? And it'll do it.

And then you're like, oh, that's great. Can you defocus it a little so it matches the existing photo a little better? and he goes, oh, we just realize this might be copywritten material and it stops working. But you get it. I've gotten it the first time, but I wonder what a way around that is. Yeah. All right.

I guess I need you to say, I took this photo or something. Folks, support our sponsors because that's what pays for the show. Try miracle.com slash papers. You're going to get off 40%. And then an extra 20%. So check it out. You can find the code on. the video podcast or in the Instagram post.

I also want to just remind people that I'm going to be doing some LA dates coming up. So check out the website. I'm going to be in Bakersfield and Escondido. Mike, anything you want to promote? Yeah, man. These kids have got to slow down the basketball. Use the clock when you're up by 15 or 20. How about that, Michigan?

And get at me some unders, will you? there's like seven in a row over it yesterday. It's destroying me. Jesus. All right. I bet the unders in case that's not clear or established yet. Most listeners know that. All right.

Well, don't forget next week, we're going to finish off the Sweet 16 picks and narrow it down to the final eight. And then we'll keep building. We'll keep building and pay it off. I think on whatever week the finals are, we'll pay it off. Perfecto. All right. Good hanging. All right. Take itish.

Take itish. All right. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime.

988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. I'm