Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 307 3/29/26

Episode Date: March 29, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz A limbless man shoots his friend, Melania has a new robot friend, The TSA is back and a FLA woman likes to pee on things. TryMiracle.com/PAPERS, code PAPERS . This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I guess we're starting. Sunday papers. Smell the ink. Get a little bit. Good Sunday, everybody. Yep, have a good Sunday. It is today would be Palm Sunday, I believe. Yes.

Yeah, can you follow that stuff? What happened on Palm Sunday? Palm Sunday is when Jesus Christ was murdered. No. Oh, I think maybe, didn't he walk on palms or something? Didn't they throw palms down for him to walk on? Good Lord. Maybe this is after he was captured and brought to...

What a strong start. Jerusalem by... All right, let's try to figure it out. You ready? Pontius Pilate arrested Jesus. Oh, you looked it up? No, I'm just off the top of my head. I was raised Catholic.

I know this shit. Right. And they... I guess he... He had already had the last supper, and Judas fucking sold them out. Notice Jew in the name, Judas. Oh, well, so is Christ. Did you look it up?

No, I'm looking at the calendar. So we got Palm Sunday, right? It's a week before Easter Sunday. Yes. In this fantastical, magical story that a good deal of the planet believes. in. And so a week from today, we're recording this on Friday, Good Friday is when he was killed, right? Good Friday, yes. Yeah, I'm exactly right. I'm reading it on AI. It celebrated the Sunday before Easter. It recalls crowds spreading palm branches honoring Jesus as King and Messiah. The event represents a symbolic humble arrival. so yeah i was exactly right for a change and in between is april fools and jesus did a little like he did

that pretending to walk on water but it was just really it was like a puddle and so he played that trick on the disciples that's april one he didn't walk on water he he was actually water skiing which is fucking hard before motorboats yeah so that was kind of a miracle uh all right yeah i think we i think we I think we got it all done. And then Orthodox Easter is in two weeks. And Easter Sunday will be, in fact, my 60th birthday this year. Wow. Yep.

Yep. And you are invited to a party at my house. Yes. It's going to be pretty big. We got three cooks making Mexican food. We got a bartender. We've got Matt Malloy is going to deal blackjack. We've got a massage chair in one of the bedrooms.

Somebody's going to be giving massages to everybody. We've got a dance floor with a disco ball. Wow. The whole thing is 60s themed. Everybody's wearing tie-d-dye shirts and hippie stuff. We have tons of 60s decorations. The whole playlist is going to be 60s music. I should break out this suit.

You forced me to wear at your wedding because that's 60s. I like that. No, that thing. I was going to say, I lit it on fire, but that fabric wouldn't burn. It was like 100. I don't know what that was, man, but boy, was that a hot day too. Yeah, sharks.

I had all my groomsmen and shark skin suits. Yeah. And now here's the thing, Mike. I don't want to put you on the spot. But at my birthday party, we are going to set up a microphone. And I'm going to ask some people to say a few words. And I would be honored if you would say something. Wow.

I'll. Of course I will. Are you kidding me? I love it. Yeah. I'll intro. We'll give you the light. We'll give you the light.

Can Govins play a belligerent Irish person while I'm doing it? I'd like that. I'm wondering who else should speak. I think should Tom O'Neill speak. Of course he should. If his teeth aren't clicking too loudly in his head, his second set of new teeth, maybe. second set and then I'm thinking Mary Fitz should say a few words yeah of course

here's what's going to be interesting and I don't know if I should speak about this publicly on the podcast but Mary will be there and so will her ex who she has not talked to in many years right well you know how to bring people together You know what? It's fucking time. They're both awesome people.

They had a lot of great years together. And you know what? People break up and you just got to make peace with it. Especially with mutual friends. You got to make peace. Yeah. And Irish never hold grudges. I'm sure it's fine.

No. Yeah. So, all right, good. You'll speak. Oh, boy. Pressure is on. Maybe Guvinsel emcee it. That would be fantastic.

Yeah, yeah. All right, what's going on with you? Congratulations. Are we talking about the new job you got? Yeah, we can do that because we're not around next week, right? Next week, we're going to take a break. I'm going to be. Nothing to do with me, listeners.

No, I'll be in Joshua Tree with my family. My sister's coming out. We're going on a vacation in the desert. Are you going to go do that sound bath? It's booked up six months in advance. Oh, my God. They have to have alternate ones. Or why aren't we opening one next door?

I know. This is what we should do. We should find the hot spots. You and I should open a hot dog stand across the street from Pink's hot dogs because they have those stupid artificial lines because they're so slow. I mean, hot dogs, it's street food. It's supposed to be so fast. I mean, at a ball game, hot dogs are always, because think about it. It's like the fast sandwich, right?

I'm going to put a rolled up piece of meat in a bun that's shaped like the rolled up piece of meat. There's no lettuce. There's no two pieces of bread. Here you go. And Pink somehow has figured out how to do it the slowest way possible. No, all you got to do is go to a hot dog's cart in New York City and see seven people get hot dogs in under two minutes. Exactly. And so then the sound bath is our other thing in the desert.

We're going to open a competing sound bath across from that guy. Right. We should also be a dermatologist in this goddamn town. They're telling me it's like four and a half, five months for the first appointment. I'm like, well, why don't you just charge $3,000 a visit? I mean, I don't understand how all of it works. Wow. Anyway, wait, I don't, I'm not going to do that.

I had a, all right. All right. So the new job, tell people what your new job is. Oh, yeah, we didn't even get to that. So new job, so they're going to follow up the Tom Brady Roast. They try to, a year. ago, but I guess it was very difficult to book. And it also was at the Netflix Comedy Festival, which is every two years. So the Kevin Hart roast on Netflix, part of the

goat series of roast, greatest of all time, is going to be May 10th at the forum here in Los Angeles. And so I'm going to reprise my role as a co-opian head writer of that. So we're off to the races. I brought it up last week because I had just, I literally had just read before we started that they were roasting him. And you said you had no idea if they were going to offer you the job. That was true. That was, it wasn't even like, oh, I kind of got a hint I'd be offered and then I didn't know if I'd do it. It wasn't even that.

I had zero communication. But it happened fast because it's in six weeks. Six weeks. Okay. Yeah, I know. May. Do we know who the other roasts? are?

No. Shane Gillis is hosting. Oh, nice. I know. That's great. And is there someone else? No, those two are kind of what I've heard. Well, Jeff Ross, obviously, right?

Of course, Jeff Ross, Ross, Roastmaster General. I would imagine some of the other Austin comedians like Tony Hinchcliff, I would imagine, is in the running. I believe so, because he's, did so well on Brady. Maybe Nikki Glazer will be in there. Yeah, you know, right now they're saying it's the, like the booking is starting.

So I don't know. And they, you know, the last roast went over three hours. So, yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot. But I'd rather talk about, oh, man, I need more unders in this March of Madness bet that I'm in. Oh, Jesus. Every single under. And through right now, get this.

It is exactly even. All right. So there's been 40 something games in March Madness. And as far as unders and overs, there's been the same number of unders as overs. Yeah. Last night was Thursday night and there were four games. Three overs, which bummed me out and one under. And that brought us to even.

Okay. Well, not that this isn't compelling material, but let's move on. I think everyone needs to, when you're watching these games, just fundamentals, slow it down, use the clock. I want everyone on my side. I need that mojo out there. These kids should not be going for the glory. No threes and please no overtimes. And no fouling with two minutes left when you're down by 17 points.

Yeah. Hey, all right. Wait, one short thing. I don't, I guess this is funny. It's also serious. So a friend of mine, I'm not going to say here. A friend of mine texts me. And we were trying to get together yesterday, right?

And I go, a 1 p.m. meeting just got scheduled. This is me texting. But there's a chance I could come after. And he goes, I have therapy at five. And it's important because I'm pretty suicidal. So I go, ha, ha, ha, ha. And I go, good news is scooter death will beat you to suicide because I'm going to give him, I think, my scooter. I have an old scooter that's, like, worth nothing, right?

cut down a little way longer because we're talking about when I could get the scooter there and he then apologizes to me and goes, sorry man, I'm just in a really bad way and I'm trying to get the family

on food stamps. And I'm like, I literally just did a bah ha ha ha ha ha. Like, uh, like,

what? Oh, you're such a bad friend. It's the worst. It's the worst. But I say that because anyone, anyone who ever dares to make a joke or make like things has been in these situations. So I just figured I'd share it because that's a doozy. That one is not good.

You know, it's fucking, I realize I got to pull my comedy back 35 to 40% on texts because just this week. I have offended two people with jokes I made to them, you know, teasing them and they take it the wrong way. Right. No. Oh, I'm with you. All right. Here's another, you know, I just said that.

That just reminded me. Here's another one I did. To a stranger, I've never met the first day of texting. So it was a friend of our friends down in Florida. And he's like, and it totally was just like a friend thing. but I got to the place first and hold on and anyway she was coming and I'm like oh do you want me to get you a drink so the drink arrived and I took a photo of it and I sent it to her hold on and well this is sorry I'm just trying to find it in this text chain but it's worth it so uh here we go

oh so I got a drink and she's like oh like tehine on the rim or whatever it is so I'm like like, all right. So I send her a picture of the drink to confirm and I go, there's the picture. And I go, Taheen and Rufi, right? Oh. Yeah. I just totally decided to take a chance and no response. So now I'm waiting in a Mexican restaurant or bar to see, first of all, am I going to be drinking that Tahin drink? because I just, like, why do you, why, what is it the need to be, you know, that's what we do, right?

We want to win approval? I, when I was writing on crashing in New York, I needed a sublet really bad. And the makeup girl had, what was it? She had a friend who was subletting a place right in Williamsburg, right where we were shooting, big place, cheap. And so I texted with her. I said, hey, yeah, it's Greg. I'm interested in the apartment. And she goes, oh, cool, yeah.

So I hear you know Nicole. I go, oh, yeah, we've been having a tour at affair on set. She doesn't text me back and ghost me. And then the makeup girl stops talking to me. And I was like a pariah in the makeup department for the rest of the series. This should have been Louis. This should have been Louis' defense. And then I asked if she was,

So I wanted to do this and watch me. And it's like, no response. I'm like, it was a joke. Like, that's what everyone should say. Here's the text exchange I had yesterday. We're talking about him making money doing something or other. And I go, I hope you're putting it. This is a very successful comedian.

I said, I hope you're putting it away because this can't last for you. I mean, I hope it does, but dot, dot, dot. And I get back, wow, as one message. Next message, well, that's the whole message. And then right now I've got more than your entire family history going back to your great-great-grandpa, crack Fitzsimmons, who operated Ireland's first gay dominatrix bar. So he was joking, but the first two, he was, I, he got butt hurt. Maybe, but you know, just like we're talking about how our texts are read, who knows from the other side? Same thing, right?

Right, right, right. Like, it could have been like, wow. Like, you know, like, oh, all right, we're going there. And then he's like teeing up a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Logo this week comes from Adam Larder. Very cool. Kind of artsy.

I like the colors. It's very nice. Yeah, look at us. Look at you, you're Republican. Oh, right. And then we got the song from Sean Nolan's awesome song. Thank you, brother. Thank you, Sean.

Very cool. He did. And that's all original instrumentation, all him. We do need more. We got a few songs in. We're good for a couple weeks, but we're going to need more down their line. So get to work. Send them in.

We don't need anything fancy. Corrections. You got something to crinkle? Oh, yes, I do. I do. I do. Let me see. I got a plastic bag. And you know what? That's going to do it for us. Here it is. Okay. There we go. Okay. This one says Lib-Lart Alert. Augusta National admitted its first black member in 1990. Tiger Woods won his first masters in 1997. So that's a swing and a miss on this attempt to characterize. the South as full of bigots. Oh, no, it's not, right? Well, I think that, I think Augusta had, they, they let in one black member, but he was like

86 years old and he had no wife and kids. Uh, okay. Yeah. Also, I know one of the first, uh, notable, uh, members in terms of diversity was, oh, what is her name? She was in the Bush administration. Condoleezza Rice. Condoleezza Rice.

I think they were trying to check off a few boxes with that one. Yeah. Oh, was she on the other team? Well, I don't know. I don't know. I was thinking two obvious boxes. I think, well. You think it was three?

Could have been three? They should have broke her leg in the parking lot. She could have wheeled in there. maybe it was four. That's right. I think that, and they could have said that she was originally

born as a man. That'd be five. That would be good. An Indian man. Maybe get some Asia in there. All right. Look what we did. Here's another correction.

You want to read this one? Yeah, sure, man. This is from Mr. C. Park on the YouTube channel. Please tell me, Greg noticed the crazy coincidence regarding Mike's drunken fireman story and the story he told about the duchy girl on the most recent episode of Fitzdog

Radio. I guess she had a point there, huh? So I put this in here because I don't know what he's talking about. I told a story on Fitzdog Radio a few weeks ago about I met this girl on a Greyhound bus from New York up to Boston when I was going to college up there. She went to BC. I went to BU. We sat in the bag of the bus. I had a six pack. We drank it. We made out. And, and And then I got off at a stop earlier than her. And I asked her out. I said, do you want to go to the St. Patrick's Day party in Southie? And she said, great.

So I meet up with her. And first of all, huge ass, which I did not see on the bus, like enormous. And secondly, she turned. Most people on the bus do have a huge ass. She had no sense of humor. And one of the things she was complaining about was how all the firemen were here. and they were drinking and what if there's a fire? And I ended up, we went into somebody's house in Southie

and she went into the bathroom and I bolted. I just left her there. Because of the big butt. No, it was the butt. But it was also, she was upset about there were no black people here. Why are people standing on the roofs? They're going to fall down. How come the firemen are driving?

She was just a bummer. Say no more. Say no more. Like she sounded like a decent human and out of it. So wait, this was similar to your story because you were talking about St. Patrick's Day and the fireman drinking, right? Yeah, I kind of blended it with. It reminded me also when our house was burning down. It was all the drunken volunteer firemen came because it was NFL playoff games on a Sunday in the dead of winter. But also, yeah, I was wondering, I mean, how they had the resources to fight a fire in Midtown Manhattan.

at the almost literal start of the St. Patrick's Day parade. Yeah. I mean, like starting point and the time of day. If they really wanted to fuck with us on 9-11, they should have done, it should have been 317 instead of 9-11. And then all of the resources would have been drunk.

All the cops and fired. I think less firemen would have made it that far into the building and stuff. It could have maybe help. All right, here we go. You don't have to read this one. Jesus. You don't want this one? No, I'm kidding.

Go ahead. Greg is gross. First three words. Greg is gross. I'm not happy listening to his sexual boasting and proclivities, which we just heard a detail on the bus. There's less to enjoy on the show. And this person is, this is IH435. is finding themselves skipping sections

because of your gross stories. Well, I'm gross. I don't know what to say. I'm married. I'm happily married. Is this person new to your universe? Like, are they just finally drawing a line? Yeah.

I think it used to be grosser. I do. I used to talk about masturbating on airplanes and jerking off in the back of the school bus. on the way to school in the afternoon. All right. I don't talk about that stuff anymore. She probably just threw her headphones across the or he.

I hope it's a she, but it could be a heat. Speaking of traveling, I'm going to be in Bakersfield at the Well theater on April 18th. Speaking of just pleasuring yourself. Woo, roast mode. Then I'll be in Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club, April 24, 25. This just announced, Brea Improv, one show, May 8th. No, two shows on May 8th. Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th.

Then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, June 5th, a gunkwit, Maine, June 6th. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets, come out and say hi. We also want to give a shout out to the fine folks over at Gotham Production Studios. They produce our podcast. They're doing an unbelievable job. and we check them out. They've got a really good, robust social media page. If you're thinking about getting into podcasting,

they do a lot of kind of tutorial videos about how to get it started, how to draw an audience, all this type of stuff. So go to, I don't know what the page is called. Godtham. Just look up Gotham Productions. Matt made me jealous talking about Derek Trucks going into the studio, Going to Gotham Productions to record the podcast with those fellas in New York. We might be drunk.

Jeez, man. We might be drunk. Played one of the employees' guitars that the guy brought in when he knew trucks was coming in. Like, oh, man. So good. Unreal. Also, we want to talk to. It's a bad way to start an ad read.

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I just cleaned off my lens there for you listeners who are not seeing this. All right, we're going to the front page. Is that what we're doing now? Here we go. Here's the question. Okay. Oh, man. You want to set this up?

I'll set it up. You've been reading a lot. You set it up and I'm going to pull up the text. Our good friend, I will too. Our good friend Dickie sometimes texts us stories, and he texted us this story. And, well, I won't say more than that, because then we were off and running about jokes.

Did you find the... Yeah, I got it. All right. So start reading where he... Oh, yep, I got it to it, where he began. Okay, so he goes... There's a story that says a professional cornhole player with no arms and legs,

has been accused of murder in Charles County. So he writes, thank God that I myself have arms because there is a lot to unpack here. Solid joke. And then I wrote, the only way she could kill somebody

would be during a blow job. Yeah, he goes, Cornhole player. Is she the whole? No, this better joke is, is she the bean bag? Right, right, right. And then he says,

Also, come on, man, you can't get murdered by a woman with no arms and legs. I said, well, maybe she talked about her mother until her husband hung himself. Yep. Imagine CSI trying to dust for Prince. She shouldn't want to kill a man. She should want to kill God. That was yours. Then Dickie gives us an update.

Oh, my God. She shot him. she doesn't even have a finger to pull the trigger. And I go, did she shoot him a look? Like, pick me up? Yeah. And then Dickie's like, wait, it's a guy. Yeah.

So you see the picture and the picture looks, you, it looks like a tough woman. 50 would call out a woman, 50 would call that a guy. And you'd think this person has enough problems without being androgynous. So before the picture, I asked, is there a picture? like at least of confused cops holding handcuffs? So now he gives us an update, which is they were traveling when the driver in the front seat was involved in some kind of an argument. We're not sure why. Based on information we received, the driver who is Mr. Weber, shot the front seat passenger.

Weber then pulled over where he asked his two backseat passengers to help pull the victim out of the car. The other passengers say they refused and got out of the car. It's crazy. Yep. And let's go down to it. So then Gibbs says the guy with the gun somehow wasn't armed. Now here's where we grab some low-hanging fruit in these next few jokes. And Dickie goes, the only one in the car who was armed was unarmed.

Right. And then he said, tell me the car was a stick. And I said, how fast could they have been going? he has no legs. Yeah. And someone said still drove better than any woman. On the bright side, he did get to use the carpool lane on the way home. Yeah.

Well, of course he drives. He can't hitch. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who's a professional cornhole player? Inmate 37498. Yeah. And then, yeah, then we got, he didn't, he's in prison, blah, blah, blah. He denied he did it. When the cops asked him who he thought might have done it, he said, I'm stumped.

And I'm like, he didn't finger anyone? And then I go, I go, how's he going to take the cement dust from a cell wall and dump it in the prison yard? His pockets are probably just that tiny one on jeans. And then, of course, why is it there a story like this every week? Yeah. That's what we need. But first, then we have pictures of this limbless person playing cornhole. Not even fingers.

I guess he had some kind of a blood infection as an infant and has only had stubs his entire life. That's wild. The witness will now take the stand. Please put your left hand. Never mind. We don't need the Bible. Just go ahead and raise your right. Oh, boy.

He's claiming it was self-defense. don't think he has a leg to stand on, but if his lawyer is good, he may walk. Well, he may roll. Yeah. I saw him at his court arraignment and he looked crabby. And I said he's going to be dropping a lot of soap in the shower and shampoo and towels. He's going to be drop kicked in the shower. I want to see footage of this gentleman playing cornhole.

That's what I'd like to see. Well, what's crazy is we just. to go to the article, there was a ESPN did a big story about him. What a fucking hero he is. This, this, you know,

limbless athlete. I did one joke about him in prison, but it doesn't translate. It's better to read it. But I go, Cool, Luke. And I left out hand.

There we go. Yeah, thinker. It's a thinker. I thinker. I think we beat the shit out of that one. We did. I think we're, I think we just take an ishe, everybody. We should just go out on that. That's it. That could have been the whole episode.

Melania Trump often commands the attention of any room she enters, but all eyes were trained on her humanoid companion on Wednesday. The robot accompanied the first lady to the White House for the first day of a summit through her fostering the future together global initiative. Melania and the humanoid, a robot, walked slowly side by side along the red carpet from the opposite end of the hallway. And the robot was like, damn, woman, I thought every word out of my mouth was pre-programmed and emotionless. Trump got a little jealous when Melania had no problem holding the robot's hand, unlike his. Yeah. And the robot malfunctioned in a hallway closet when Trump tried to fuck it. It's like, oh, look at the two models walking in the room. There's the old model and there's the new model.

And Trump purchased both of them. And they were both made in another country. Yeah. Trump's signature to be added to U.S. dollars. It's a first for a sitting president. Mr. Trump is set to become the first sitting U.S. president to have a signature on the green back. The decision represented an unprecedented. change, the one that the department said was being made in honor of the 250th anniversary of

America. So then they added up since retaking the White House last year, Trump has pushed for the minting of a $1 coin featuring his face, along with the creation of a commemorative 24-carat gold coin bearing his image. Mr. Trump also had his name added to the JFK Center for Performing Arts, the Kennedy Center. in Washington, and his administration has pushed for changing Washington-Dulles Airport to be named after him. Huh. Yeah.

He has got a lot of things named after him, including 28 lawsuits for sexual misconduct. Those are named after him, too? 28. Well, it's like a check that you get from Trump, and it's signed by him. Now it's currency, American currency. But it's a race to the bank before he declares bankruptcy, and it just will not be cashed. Yeah, yeah.

Now, his $1 coin, why is he putting his name on something that's going to be worth less value the longer he's president? Put your name on a barrel of oil. He's made that value go through the roof. Yeah, that's true. Well, maybe he could put his name on it. It will lower the price of oil. like the dollar.

It's exactly. Maybe that's the strategy. All right, right. So did you, do we re-update this story? All right. So the TSA may have to shut down operations at some airport if the budget impasse drags on. But now we have an update to that story, right? Well, yeah, it's changing as we sit here.

But I guess it looked really good. First thing this morning, maybe. The Senate passed it. They're going to get paid. everything. Then Congress, Republican Congress, actually surprised even, I think, the president and did not pass it. They rejected the bill. And I think the latest, as we sat down, was Trump might have signed an executive order to get them paid. It's been 40 days. And these are not rich people. Like, these are people that live paycheck to paycheck. They're so broke that now when

they pat you down, they often steal your wallet. They're broke, you know, in terms of money. They have a lot of Swiss Army knives. And they have a lot of moisturizers that are over three and a half ounces and tons of shampoos. Yeah. Yeah. And they used to confiscate the beverages from your baggage.

Now they take sandwiches and protein bars also. They have little, you know, nose scissors, nose clippers. They have a lot of that stuff. They should sell that stuff. They have Greg Fitzsimmons tour pins. Yeah. A lot of those. All right.

By the way, here is a pro tip. If you want to avoid these lines, I signed up for a thing called touchless precheck. If you already have TSA precheck, go to whatever airline you're flying on. American is really easy. United is really easy. and you can enter your passport info into your TSA,

and then there's a special line that's way faster than regular TSA pre-check. And you walk up, you don't show ID, you don't show your boarding pass. They just, I mean, it's creepy, they just take a picture of your face, and then you walk in. Right. So if you're comfortable giving up that much info, I sort of feel like at this point, they got everything already. It just costs 50 Trump gold coins. That's all it costs. No, it's free.

Do it. You'll thank me later. You know, I didn't do it. And then somehow when I was walking through, like a couple of months ago, Delta, they're like, oh, no, no, sir, you can go in this line, touchless. And I had no idea what they were talking about. And I looked down and it said it on my boarding pass. So somehow, maybe because I was using Delta so much, somehow. I got touchless. I don't know.

Nice. Yeah, it was good. Sounds like my marriage. There it is. I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy. I don't make that joke. Oh, okay. A California jury on Wednesday found that META and Google were to blame for the depression and anxiety of a woman who compulsively used social media as a small child, awarding her $6 million.

Oh, that's going to cripple META and Google. Yeah. And a rare verdict holding Silicon Valley accountable for its. role in fueling youth mental health crisis. So, I mean, look, if we're giving out money, what about me? I haven't written a new joke since TikTok started. I barely shower. I feel like a fucking loser every time I see a video of a comic playing an arena.

Where's my $6 million? And your addiction is forcing you to watch those clips of the people that bum you out? Dude, Fluffy, Gabrily Glacius, and Joe Coy just broke the record and they did a show for 70,000 people at the SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles on Saturday night. I just like that this podcast has a sentence that began with, dude, fluffy. Yeah. I mean, I got nothing against fluffier, Joe Coy. You know, they're funny. They're the nicest guys in the world.

They're the nicest guys. they're super funny, but is anybody worth 70,000? I mean, I go out, I play clubs that hold two to 300 people. I do four or five shows a weekend, and I got to fucking plug this shit out of it to sell. How many tickets is that? A thousand tickets? They're doing 70,000. Are they 70 times funnier than I am?

Where was this? Sofi. Is that where you said? Because I know he's also played Dodgers. stadium. Yeah, Dodger Stadium. No, no, no. Three nights at Dodger Stadium.

Do people from outside of L.A. don't understand what an absolute nightmare it is getting to and from a Dodger game. And when I've gone and keep in mind, I am, it's like an obstacle course to get there. I am seeing what many feel is the. greatest baseball player to ever live. And I'm like, not worth it. Not worth it. I don't think this is worth it. And now I'm going to go see Fluffy's set. Yeah. Meanwhile, if you swing by the improv on a Tuesday night, there he is. Yeah. 25 bucks. 150 people. So far, our good friend brought us to the box to see Beyonce. And that is a nightmare.

going to SoFi as well, not as bad as Dodgers Day. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. And imagine now I'm going there to see Joe Coy, you know, do a lot of material I've already seen online from him. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, listen. No way. Listen. I mean, look, the point of this conversation, we're talking about meta and Google causing depression and anxiety in kids. But it's not all bad. Like, I mean, kids are more distracted and depressed, but they also know how to do the Crip Walk. They can protect themselves from

a wild bear and they can buy foreclosed properties with no money down. So there's there's upsides. Yeah. I'm, I'm self-soothing less. I'm drinking less. This addiction, it's, it's, I've switched addictions. Yes. You don't have time to jerk off anymore. Oh, those words. That's the thing about social media. I used to watch porn sites where you could masturbate for hours. TikTok video. Yeah, who can it done in 35 seconds. Yeah. All right. There I am being creepy again. Do we need that that writer's already gone, long gone. Are we doing this Melani and Barron story? We can switch. We can do that next week. Well, there is no next week. Oh, right. Then let me do it real quick. So Melania and her son Barron both did vote in mailing, as did. As did

his father, Donald Trump, the guy who's so trying to convince us that there's mail-in cheating going on. And they're both registered at Merrillargo and they're sending it in. I mean, he might as well mail in the ballot. He's already mailing in the presidency. Whoa, wow. Hey, no. Mark it.

Mark it for a clip. What? Why doesn't she have her robot go bring the ballot in? Yes, right. She's all buddy, buddy. People are surprised that the anti-immigration guy who's had two illegal immigrant wives, the guy who dodged the draft and is now sending troops to their deaths,

the guy who named Biden's Sleepy Joe and regularly naps at meetings, were shocked he's mailing in his ballot. The best is when you see the data on how much mail-in ballots or really any voter-for-refer. The point O oh, that's how it begins, that percentage. It's like so minuscule. And most they found with the mail-in ballots were by election officials, not the voters. But even that number, it's kind of incredible how little voting fraud there is in this country.

It is negligible. Well, it helps that no one votes. Yes. That's a big... What percentage of the country is? would you say votes on a presidential election? Well, they have it. I don't know. I mean, what is it? 40% maybe?

No, is it really? Come on, is it that low? You look it up while I queue up this ethical question. Here we go. Okay. Where's the plastic? Oh, right. Ethical question. Which one should I do first? All right. Yeah, we're going to do this one. Let me know when I got your attention. I'm ready. my friend's husband is a tax deadbeat should i tell the irs i am troubled about this man who's a public school teacher that complicates it and has been avoiding something i consider to be a civic duty so it's

very short the friend is getting divorced from this deadbeat uh tax deadbeat and she told her that Her husband has not paid taxes for a very long time, possibly since before they were married. They've been filing separately and she has dutifully paid taxes on all her earnings throughout. What do you think? Should she turn him in? Yes, that's what she's asking. Now, he's a 60-year-old public school teacher. First of all, how much could he possibly owe?

No, you could really fuck up his life. It's like I read a story this week about this guy. who hired a contractor to fix his roof. And then before paying him, he called ICE and said that we got an illegal immigrant and they came an arrest of the guy. So that feels like that to me. That feels like fucking... Wait, say that again?

They called ICE when? Called ICE after he finished working on the roof. Right, right, right. I saw that. I saw another story like that. No, I sort of feel like, you know, you don't fuck with people like that. I mean, if it was like he was a pedophile or a murderer, then you got to stop him from doing it again. Yeah.

But not paying taxes. He's just stopping the tax man. Yeah. No. Also, I don't know what the arrangement is with spousal support. But either way, you're messing it up for your friend. That's right. Because all of a sudden, he's going to be making less income, which means he's going to pay less if he's the breadwinner.

or she'll have to pay more if she's the breadwinner. Or he could end up in jail. Oh, yeah, there's also that. Maybe that's good, though. Maybe that's good. Maybe that's good. All right, I think that's the only one we have to do. The other ones aren't?

Jesus, that was easy. Well, the other ones weren't that great. Hold on. All right, fine, fine, fine, fine. Let's see. I only called up one, though. ethics. Is it ethical for a manager

to take 10% of their client's money when it's the agent that books the comedian on the road and actually does the work? Sounds very personal. Sounds like what you signed up for. Yeah. Is it okay? It's boring.

See, is it okay to cut ties with a friend because of her views on vaccines? She's talking about her friend Cheryl Hines. Well, yeah. Again, does it affect you? If you have a child that is vaccinated and he's playing with a child who's unvaccinated that is susceptible to catching the measles or smallpox, I think you can stop being friends with that person to protect your child.

I think it has an impact on you. Here's a better one. I'm the family breadwinner. Do I have to fund my wife's bad habit? So she smokes cigarettes. And it's an issue in their marriage. He makes all the money. And that's the question.

No, you got to pay for the smokes. It's part of what attracted you to her. She was a while. She was a little wild. She dangles a cigarette from her lipstick lips and blows smoke rings. You thought it was cool. You signed up for it. You can't cut her off now.

Yeah, but he's like, she used to smoke after sex. Now she just smokes after Wheel of Fortune. Now she smokes a ham. Yeah, exactly. It's very, very different. All right. Let's move on. Yes, sir.

Here we go. What are we? Make America, Florida. You got it, buddy. Florida woman accused of urinating on objects at Airbnb's and then posting them online. The owner of the Airbnb filed a criminal complaint with the Pensacola Police Department after receiving a message from someone on the platform claiming a guest identified as a 31-year-old, oh, identified as 31-year-old Nicole, had peed multiple on multiple items at her property. The owner allegedly found videos on an adult content website that showed Nicole urinating on multiple items. The owner told police that an antique crown royal chair, a rug, a typewriter, four dining room chairs, coffee maker, bed, TV, record player.

She peed on a record player. Oh, my God. Whoa. Toaster. Okay. gets better. An electric fireplace amounting to $4,000

in losses. All right, well, I want to see this video now. Nicole's accused of urinating at another Air and B property owned by the same person on the same street. It's like a dog. It's her scent is there. She's going to keep going to the

same place. Smelling and peeing on an electric fireplace. The owner discovered several items damaged, including the rugs and all the stuff we mentioned and is getting damages. Well, I think that the punishment should be you just rub her nose in it. That's all you can do. Sprayer.

You got a sprayer with a water bottle. She fucking drank a lot of liquids. She covered some ground. I checked the liquor cabinet, man. It has to be gone. Right, right. Good luck renting that place. $4,000 of damages.

You'll never get that smell out of that apartment. And it's going to smell like your grandmother's house. That is, I mean, do you think it's like she's peeing and it's accidentally or it's like, what do you guys want me to pee on? No, I don't know. Yeah. Wouldn't she be doing a lot more? Well, you already said you want to see it. Wouldn't she be doing a lot more business if she was peeing on a person in these Airbnb's?

Yeah. Yes. Maybe the owner? Yeah. You're kind of peeing all over the owner anyway. All right. It's time to make America, Texas again. Okay.

So, dark story, we're going to recognize that up front, but a North Texas man was arrested after allegedly admitting to shooting and killing his grandmother because of a dispute over his allowance. That's what got me. He's 21 years old. And he had recently gotten into an argument. with his grandma, which led to the loss of the grandson's allowance money. After being questioned the grant by police, the grandson admitted to shooting his grandma

early that morning inside the apartment and then dragging her body out to the patio. Jerry and Kara, who live right below them, they were home Friday, and she says she does not remember hearing an argument or anything out of the ordinary, but she did notice a lot of flies on the patio. She said it was so bad. She went to the store and bought a net to keep them out. Oh, my God. Get a big net because you got to keep that fucking 21-year-old out off your porch too.

No doubt. 20. Why didn't he just shoot himself? You're 21 and you're shooting your grandmother. Whether you think about it or you do it, the next bullet has to be yours, I think. I mean, it just seems like such an adult thing to be capable of doing. If you can shoot your grandmother and get that body eye, you can get a job. Yeah.

You're clearly motivated. Maybe he could only afford one bullet. I mean, the allowance was cut off. So that's why he's still walking around. When I was a teenager, we were really fucked up as teenagers. We did a lot of drugs. We did a lot of bad things. My buddy Brian, his grandmother, used to give him.

And we'd go over her house. She had dementia. And we would take out her garbage cans and she would give him $5. And we just, all we wanted was money for drugs all the time. So we used to go to her house like three to four times a week and take out the garbage instead of once a week and get the $5. I'm shocked you didn't do it multiple times a day. Yeah. Yeah.

You distract her while you bring the garbage is back in. Ugh. That's, oh, that poor woman. just shot her. Okay, we're getting to sports. Okay. It would have been kinder. All right, the L.A. Marathon, we forgot to do this story.

The L.A. Marathon was a couple of weeks ago, right? And then this is the most amount of calls I've gotten from people saying you have to do this story on the podcast. It's not a big story. It was a California day, hotter than usual for this time of year. The temperature got all the way up to the 80s. and the race organizers announced that because of the weather, they were going to give out medals to runners who completed just 18 miles of the 26.2 mile marathon that goes from Dodger Stadium to Century City.

And everyone lost it because it is the most L.A. thing ever. Yeah, lowering the bar. I mean, I read this one article that talked about, I mean, there's, listen, I ran two New York marathons. On one of them, it was snowing at the start. First of all, worse than that, I was in Staten Island. Okay, that, okay, so there's that. So that's worse than any heat. I have to go to Staten Island.

Secondly, it was snowing on Staten Island when I was at the start in the first or second week of November. And Boston has one, and it's literally, they named it the run for the hoses. It was the 1976 marathon. It reached nearly 100 degrees. And you know what? They weren't retarded about it. They ran the whole 26.2.

Yep. All the way to the dunk. They didn't stop at fucking at the fucking. Yeah. Haba. They went past the Haba. But you weren't. Hot Break Hill.

Tell people the story about winning a medal and giving it to your father. Oh, someone asked me, because someone reminded us last night that we should do this story. And then they're like, did you get a medal? Because they were unaware of that. I'm like, no, yeah, New York like had medals. I said, would you do your medal? So what I did with my medal was my dad was getting, you know, his, he's a bad heart and wasn't getting good, like, checkups. They're like, you got to, you know, you got to move around, buddy.

You got to exercise and stuff. And so I, he got a treadmill and I gave him my metal. Because I didn't think I could run a marathon. And that's actually why I ran two. But this is the talk about I should have a whole therapy session on this. I literally thought I got lucky and didn't believe I really could run a marathon. So I ran it again. That's how much, that's how much I think I'm an imposter.

So anyway, I guess. I give him a medal. I'm like, Dad, if I could do this, you can get on this treadmill three times a week or whatever. And he, it was emotional. He thanked me profusely. He put the metal. He, like, tied it onto the bars of the treadmill.

And then it was covered in his shirts and suits and never seen again. And the treadmill was never turned on. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I think it's a metal. He probably. put it out on the curb with my metal on it. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, I would like to think that you'll find it. And when he passes away, God forbid, someday, you will place it on his chest in the coffin. And he'll literally, his dead arm will come up, take it off, and put it outside the coffin. I'm like, if you had been inspired by this, you wouldn't be in this, you'd be in this box probably a year from now.

But look at you now. Look at you. All right. Let's do it quick. The Sweet 16, we started this last week. This is a segment put together by the great Matt Peters, who is our producer. And we are giving you the top 16 stories of the year from 2025. We're selecting.

We're getting, last week, we took eight and we picked winners. So now there's four. Yeah, we're winning the right side of the bracket. These are the top eight stories in the chaos and nature. Yes. So these are two stories that are up against each other. Seven-minute lube heist, thieves disguised as construction workers used motorbikes and power tools to steal 88 million pounds in French, or euros, in French crown jewels. I love it.

Broad daylight robbery. Love it. I thought for sure that was the one I was going to pick, but then I read the next story. Okay. Next one is Distillery Raccoon. CPR. A local hero in Kentucky saved a raccoon's life with chest compressions after it fell into a dumpster of fermented peaches and passed out from moonshine intoxication. The story has CPR with a raccoon.

I'm already sold. Never mind. It's a drunk raccoon. Yes. I love the algorithm is figured out. I love raccoons. They're all over my feet. we had when I grew up we had a lot of raccoons in our town

and there was a noise in the basement in the garage one night and my mother opens up the door to the garage and looks in and there's a raccoon with a roller skate and he had his front paws on the roller skate and he was pushing himself around the garage it's the best thing ever no fucking no video cameras back then that would have been the most viral video of all time there's one and I forget how it goes down

but it's like one of my favorite clips and I think it's like maybe a family of them moving and then the person is filming them and then comes out and then I think maybe I was like hey or like get out of here whatever it is and then it pans over and one of the raccoons is literally

standing there with its arms out it's standing on two legs like you or I would be if we got caught doing something and it's just like frozen looking back, trying to read the situation. And it's so human. It's crazy.

I fucking love raccoons. Yeah, I'll go with raccoon on that one too. We got two of them. All right. Next one is the Labibu doll obsession. Loboooo. A spiked-toothed ugly cute designer toy became the ultimate status symbol, leading to massive mall brawls.

Yeah. And a multi-billion dollar secondary market. I miss that one. Do you remember that? Lou Boo-boo's were everywhere. it was kind of crazy. I forget who I ran and knew that was Love Lububo's, some celebrity or something. Anyway, Labibos were everywhere. But then the next story was stolen

$100,000 golden toilet. So a working 18-carat, how is this not in the White House? A working 18-carat gold toilet titled, America was snatched from Winston Churchill's birthplace, and authority suspect it was melted down before it could be recovered. I didn't know the America detail. So Churchill was shitting in America? Is that? Sounds like it.

It sounds like it. Meanwhile, we fucking bailed them out of World War II. And then he shits on us? I also have a suspicion. Churchill came close to melting that baby down a few times just by going through his usual movements. Yeah, he definitely. Yeah, he melted the rim a little bit. That, I mean, if Trump hears about this, he will begin construction immediately.

So I'm voting toilet. I'm going golden toilet on that one. All right. Next is the L.A. Wildfires versus this Kingfisher eggs. So the kingfisher eggs, after being extinct in the wild for 40 years, this bird successfully laid eggs on a remote Pacific atoll, a massive miracle for concert. We should know more about that. The LA fires obviously hits close to home. And it was something that for once a lot of the country actually cared about California for a moment.

I was in I was in Green Bay, Wisconsin doing a, doing a gig. And I walk up and they've got a collection bin. And they were collecting clothes to send to California. I was like, this is so sweet. and so generous. And then I realized that I saw the crowd. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, nobody in Los Angeles is wearing any of these fucking clothes.

Not that they would even fit. Like they're all triple XL Green Bay Packer jerseys. Yeah. That's a good like onion headline. Like thanks fatties for the thought. But we can't wear any of your clothes. Just send money. Send us some cheese and some money.

All right, the last matchup here, so I guess we're going to pick L.A. Wildfires. You've got to go L.A. Wildfires. The last matchup is Australia's free power. Due to a massive solar energy surplus, the Australian government began offering solar shareer, not easy to say, hours, where citizens get three hours of free electricity every day. Now, that story, which I like, is up against the high-deaf colossal squid footage. scientists captured the first ever high definition video of a juvenile colossal squid in the deep sea

showing the elusive kraken relative in its natural habitat I have not seen this footage I wish I were in a juvenile it's fucking crazy I can remember recently hearing that they've never gotten footage of a giant squid

like that's how deep they are in the ocean I like mysteries like this because you know from my limited knowledge. There don't, it doesn't seem to be many mysteries left. Of course, there's a bazillion and I'm sure there's insects and all that that, uh, and all the fossils they're still finding. But this one is really, uh, really cool, I think. Yeah. I think it's like when you live in New York city, and you're trying to find, it's like trying to find your superintendent when you live in a tentament in New York City. It's like a colossal squid. Nobody's seen them. You know it exists.

Yeah. There's some, uh, there's some signs. that he exists. Yeah. All right. Let's cut it down to this day in history. We're going to do squid then. All right. Here we go.

Yeah, we'll go squid. We're going down to this day in history. Oh, man, it was not as good as last week. Last week was so good. All right, here we go. Let me struggle through this. Mariah Carey. How old do you think this lady is?

She, her birthday, was on this day in what year? Or you can just tell me how old she is within four years. 1959. So you think she's almost 70. I mean, you got it wrong. She was born in 69. Really? She's younger than us?

Yes. Come on. Jesus. I'm going to give you this acting coach in New York. And I was in the middle of a session one time. And she goes, it was supposed to be one hour session. and she goes, we got to cut it short. I go, why?

She goes, I have an emergency. She had gotten a text. And so I'm walking out and Mariah Carey is waiting outside the door to come in. I guess she had an audition at the last minute. Wow. Yeah. Nice. I'll give you a chance at another birthday then.

American comedian Milton Burrell, actually it's not. It's a death day, not a birthday. American comedian Milton Burrell died at 93-year. old on this day in what year, give her take five years because you were a member of the Friars Club in New York where he would be there often. Yeah, so I'm going to say it was around 99. Very good guess. Nope, he lived long enough to see 9-11.

He died in 2002. Oh, son of a bit. Wait, how many years did you give me? Yeah. Well, no, you got it. But I got it. It was later. You're right.

I delivered that wrong. All right. Viagra, no, it's important. You have to listen. Viagra was approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, but it was approved for the use in treating erectile dysfunction. I don't know if it was approved for cardiovascular stuff before that. But anyway, the Viagra, we all know, is the boner pill.

Made a splash, let's say. It was a giant story. year, give or take five years. And the funny thing was, in clinical trials, I believe the story goes, they were giving it to guys for heart stuff. And

eventually, everyone was like, yeah, I forget the heart stuff. Like, do you got any more of these pills? 2011. No, I would have given you five years, because I mean, we were in the professional funny business when this hit, and it was a giant story. And it was earlier. It was

1998. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Every drug that they used today was meant for something else. And then they realized it got you an erection or it shrunk your hemorrhoids or it made you less sad. Right.

They were never shooting for that goal. You know about typhoid Mary? Never heard of it. It was a woman in New York. Anyway, we won't do that one. but she was put on a little in quarantine, I think on an island in New York. Anyway, that was 1915.

So let me find you one more here. Virginia Wolf died. Too many deaths in birthdays. Let's find something juicy. Let's find something juicy. Really good prep this week. I told you it was tough. It was tough.

Canadian hockey player, Wayne Gretzky. Considered by many, be the great. greatest in NHL history. He scored the final goal of his career on this day in what year, give or take. I'm only giving you two years

because you're a hockey fan. I'm going to say 2012. Oh, man. Even if I gave you 10 years, you blew that one, man. 99. Which is,

which is, it's very easy to remember. That's his number. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I think I got one right this week. That was a rough one. That was tough.

I kind of called that it was rough in many ways. Many ways, probably harder even to listen to than to actually carry out here. Speaking of rough, let's get to some obituaries. Yeah, let's do it. You're ready. Here we go. All right. Well, we know from our president, we know all too well that Robert Mueller passed away.

the former FBI director. Trump, I mean, I don't even think, did he say good riddance, those exact words? But that was, he was happy about it. Yeah. Unbelievable. And Valerie Perrine or Parine, I think it's Perrine, Oscar-nominated actress. But I remember her because it was a little boy. She was on the cover of two playboys.

Oh, really? And was very sexy and sultry. She got an Oscar nomination for Lenny in which she played Lenny's wife or girlfriend, I think wife. Was that about Lenny Bruce? Yeah, Lenny Bruce. 1974, Bob Fossey directed. Then she was in Superman and Superman too, but her key films include Slaughterhouse Five, the Last American Hero, and then with Robert Redford, The Electric Horseman. Oh, yeah, I remember her in that.

That was great. So I put a little tidbit in here on her, though, which involves our friend, peripherally, Tom O'Neill. So while she was living in Las Vegas, she was a showgirl, and she became engaged to a gun collector who died of an accidental gunshot to the lung one month before their wedding. That's not good timing with like she wants to be taken care of. Yeah, yeah. After his death, she began a relationship with hairstylist Jay Sebring here in Los Angeles. On August 8, 1969, he invited her to a dinner party with his former girlfriend, actress Sharon Tate, and their friends Abigail Folger and Frykowski at the El Coyote Cafe in Benedict Canyon, Los Angeles.

Valerie was unable to attend. And that night, shortly after midnight, when they got back from El Coyote. coyote, all four were murdered by the Manson family at Tate's home. Oh my God. Dude, I go to therapy sometimes and I literally run out of shit to talk about. And I just go, I don't know. I have some anxiety. I get a little sad. What else? I don't know. What else? And then you hear about this and it's like, I hope she's getting two to three appointments a week. And then this little joke was in here that according to this a guy, a former employee at the Stardust Hotel where she got her start choked, if you don't like somebody, fix him up with Valerie and he'll be dead within three months. Yeah, the black winner.

Anyway, I remember her, of course, Superman was a very high profile one for our demo at that time. And anyway, so there we go. Rest in peace, Valerie. Great tits. Yep. Here we go to the funnies. Well, last week I fell down on the job. I forgot to assign a comic for you guys to write jokes on.

It's the comedy caption contest. We're back this week. I give you one frame of a cartoon. You write your punchlines down. You send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We put some of our favorites in. Pick a winner and then send you a cool. Hoosie, post-haste.

Nice. This week. We have one for this week. It is two dudes. They look sort of like, you know, urban preppy type guys. And behind them is one of those Tesla super trucks. Those long, literally I see those trucks with, I have 100% contempt for any. And they always have the blacked out windows.

and it kills me because I want to see what little fucking selfish douches. I wonder if that's how they come. Do they come that way? They must. I think so. Yeah. Anyway, so these two dudes are standing in front of this big Tesla truck. They're talking.

What are they saying? The white guy's talking to the black guy. What does he say about the Tesla truck? Good luck. Good luck, everybody. Let's get to the pros. Hager is standing with a couple soldiers. they're looking at a castle in the background.

He goes, we need to invent a big distraction before the attack. Think, think. And then he goes, I got it. Sven, go tell the Duke you've been canoodling with the Duchess. And the soldier goes, that won't work. He already knows. I'm not familiar with the medieval interpretation of the word canoodling. Any insight on that?

I think it's intense noodling. Very intense. It's intense, noodling against your will. Yeah. Yeah. Cagraping. I think it's more co-graping. Yeah, it's cagraping.

Leroy and Loretta are sitting at the marriage counselor's office. And Loretta says, how can we agree to disagree when we can't agree on anything? Very, very nice wordplay, very nice, well-played. I'm going to skip the next one and go right to. Let's go to the onion. Well, I have an onion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see the onion.

Here's the onion. And I like this one. I bet a lot of people will not. But it's a picture of a major league baseball. And it says nation already sick of baseball. It's been opening day for two days now. It's, no, I know. It's crazy.

Hey, by the way, before. No, no, I'll do it after Blondie. But I have an announcement that's pretty exciting about it. Oh, holy shit. Well, when people hear this, it's already over, but they'll have read about it. Something that's happening in our area. Go ahead, though. Huh.

Yeah. Teasing. Dagwood is talking to Blondie, and he goes, you okay, honey? And she's looking at her phone. She goes, I'm having trouble with this survey. It says, rate your husband's kissing, but the ratings only go up to 10. And now he throws her. down into an embrace and leans her back.

And he goes, I'll, I'll take the blame. I've set the bar too high. And she goes, I second that. Well, now she's lying to him. Is she, are you kidding me? My feeling on Blondie is she met Dagwood. Oh, actually, I know she met him. She met, the backstory is that she was like a flapper girl,

whore. And he was like a millionaire, which back in the 1930s was a big deal. Now it won't even get you a fucking cup of coffee. And so she has been with other men. She's been kissed. She should have some sense of what a good and a bad kiss is. But somehow she's been with him for 120 years. This strip has been around since the 1930s. So I think she forgets how bad his thin little lips and his fucking swollen, tongue that tastes like pastrami. Oh boy.

She forgets what a good kiss is. Something happened because I can't even believe she's into this. There's a little heart popping up from between where their lips are. But then, you know, he just dropped her to the ground and he went and got a sandwich. Right. He didn't close. He could close on this. Yeah.

He's not closing on that. All right. Listen, speaking of closing, if you guys want to close the deal, on some sheets. The way to do it is to go to try miracle.com slash papers. You're going to get 40% off. And when you use promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off. Trust us.

These sheets are magic. Anything you want to promote, Mike? Well, yeah. I mean, it's too late for our listeners on Sunday. But today is Friday. And it's been confirmed the rumor we heard. Weezer is playing on the roof. of Hanano.

Which is our favorite dive bar in Venice. Our favorite dive bar, they're pulling a little Beatles-esque thing, and they're playing on the roof of Hanano, which is where Washington Boulevard meets the ocean right by the pier there at 530 tonight. Do we like Weezer? I really do like Weasor. I've seen them at the whiskey, actually. Okay.

And someone on this text chain who's a number I don't know, they're like, oh, that's a nice consolation prize. because they were trying to see. Paul McCartney is playing the Fonda Theater tonight. The Fonda holds, I mean, can it hold 1,000 people? No, I heard tickets are like $6,000 each. It's unbelievable how time. And it's a dive.

Wow. Yeah. Speaking of dives, yes, I'll go down to Hanana. I'll take my bike and head down there. Yeah, don't take a car. I'll tell you that. No. That's about it.

But everyone, enjoy your week next week. People? We should put up a... We should put up a repeat? Yeah, let's put up a repeat. Yeah. Okay, we'll pick a good one. All right.

Thanks for listening, you guys, and we'll talk to you soon. Take it age. Tag it, age. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988, Canada's suicide. Crisis Hubline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential

support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada.