Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 308 4/12/26

Episode Date: April 12, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg and Mike cover everything from space travel and the insanity of re-entry to birthday parties, backyard poker scams, and a Florida story involving meth-laced hot dogs. They also get into the Artemis mission, comedy roasts, and wrap things up with This Day in History and listener-submitted funnies. This episode is #sponsored by Rocket Money. Take control of your finances and cancel unwanted subscriptions with ease. This episode is also #sponsored by Miracle Made. Upgrade your sleep with temperature-regulating, bacteria-resistant sheets: https://trymiracle.com/papers Use promo code PAPERS for over 40% off plus an extra 20% off and a free 3-piece towel set. Comments or corrections? Email: [e-mail] This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Uh, where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Any day now? Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. Tap the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store.

Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the new. newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Not yelling loud because I lost my voice last week. You did. Very sad. What happened? What happened? I don't know.

I just did 10 weekends in a row on the road. And then I basically lost my voice the day before I was going to Joshua tree with my sister. My sister flew in with her husband and son and his girlfriend. My niece came up from San Diego and we were all going out. And my son flew in. And we're going out to the desert and I lose my voice. Meanwhile, we've got a party for 100 people on Saturday and I have no voice.

And so I went to this urgent care out in the desert and this woman came in, this doctor. and she looked at me for, I'll be generous in say 40 seconds and then wrote me a prescription for steroids and an antibiotic and I was off. And a time machine to go back 10 years. Yeah. How was the house, by the way?

I forgot to ask about this house in Joshua Tree. It was amazing. It had four bedrooms, plus it had a wagon. It was a Western theme And it had a wagon in the backyard That had bunk beds and a queen bed And a pool Giant hot tub

Cornhole court Ping pong table Pool table Poker table Wow And you know And my sister's family It doesn't get much more fun

They are just It is a fucking party Every second They drink their faces off I call them the last Loud family. You what was the last part? You what?

I call them the loud family. Oh. And so anyway, so I lost my voice and it forced me to just sit and listen, which I think this might be an exercise for you also. I always feel like I have to be the center of attention. No, I shouldn't say that. That's not true. I feel like I have to orchestrate a good time.

And I have to make sure things are fun. and to be out of the loop and I just sat on a couch and drank tea and watched everybody else. And guess what? Everyone had a blast. They didn't need me. More fun, yeah. You should do that on this podcast once in a while. No, I think you and I, like we're conditioned.

I think it's the right word to read the room, navigate. kind of manipulate also and as you said orchestrate the things away from awkwardness, away from tension. And I think, yeah, I think a lot of people like you just said will be surprised how that can happen on its own. I'm thinking about doing a silent retreat, but I don't know if that includes not farting. I don't think I can do it if there's no farting. Try it in the chuckle hut. See it. goes over. There it is.

Yeah. So, yeah, so the trip was great. We went outside on the first night we went outside and it was what they called the red moon, which is the first full moon of the spring. And it actually was reddish. And it was enormous. And you could see, you know, you see the stars in the desert. It's fucking crazy.

Yeah. And everybody took mushrooms. My kids, my wife, my sister, her fan. family. And we're just out there with this, there's this app on your phone where you can see the constellations in the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever seen that? Yeah, absolutely. That's so cool. Yeah. And, uh, you know, hikes in the desert and, uh, big meals. And it was just, it was so much fun. Speaking of the sky and like, you know, there's a lot of, we were the last generation to see a rather, I don't know, virgin sky without all the garbage that man has put up there now.

And the garbage is becoming this real problem because it keeps hitting each other. And anyway, there's a lot of articles written about it. It keeps colliding and then shattering. So now instead of one satellite flying, now there's like 6,000 parts flying through space that now are hitting other, like, and it's just going to get worse and worse and worse. And the parts are traveling at 3,000 miles an hour when they, when they hit each other. Yeah. So did you watch any of this Artemis mission?

No. It's not too late. Was this NASA or was this SpaceX? NASA. And there's very touching, try to find it. And, you know, try to find the, like, don't go to good morning America or whatever it is. Like, try to find maybe the raw footage, really touch. moment of the four astronauts and one of the dads just lost his wife a few years ago has two daughters

and anyway he his his partner on the ship asked to name a crater after her and they all started crying when they asked and it's really really touching i would highly recommend that and then we watched it land yesterday oh and the takeoff there's extraordinary footage from nassah of the takeoff also And yeah, anyway, yesterday we watched it come in, dude. There are four of them sitting in this can, and I know we've talked about space before. They're going 25,000 miles an hour, which is 35 times the speed of sound. The air beneath them, when they come into our atmosphere, is 5,000 degrees, which is half the temperature of the sun's surface. Jesus.

It gets so hot, it turns into a literal fiery plasma, which knocks out and makes any communication impossible for six minutes. So all of Houston and everybody don't know if they've died for six minutes. Wow. Yeah. It's crazy. Did they go to the moon? They went around the moon, and it's the furthest, it's the fastest, it's the fastest, you know, Humans have ever traveled, I believe, and it's the furthest humans have ever been from Earth.

Didn't we go to Mars? No, no people. A human can, it's impossible for a human being to go to Mars and return. Okay. And live. Isn't this also the first time we've gone to the moon in like 50 years or something? It's a long time. I'm forgetting.

Lovell, I think, left a message, even though he knew he recorded a message. knowing he might not make it. And sure enough, he did. He died in the last few years. He was the last guy up there. And he left them a recorded message. And it was like, welcome to my old neighborhood. That's how it started.

Wow. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I'm not like, I didn't nerd out on it. I wasn't like, you know, people were checking in on it every day and all that. I kind of just caught up yesterday because the reentry was so cool to me. So that's why I've just caught up with stuff. And where was the movie studio? where they shot this.

I know. I know. They say, well, again, it's not in Hollywood. That's the problem. There's no more work here. I think they shot it in Atlanta. I shot it in Vancouver, right. Yeah.

Well, that's very interesting, Mike. It's great to start Sunday papers with a very serious and quasi-emotional take on a moon mission. You know what it is? I think that's what the show is all about. Well, one thing that's touching about, and again, you're right, it's not funny, but it's kind of like pathetic, even though it's the most unbelievable

feats and like the engineering and the science, but like when you're seeing that NASA footage of this rocket, if you can just pause for a second, it is wildly primitive. Like, I am imagining extraterrestrials, I guess,

looking at like, wow, I mean, can you believe, like, they're still burning fossil fuels. Right. It's really like they haven't figured out magnets yet or whatever it is that's coming you know yeah yeah um so happy birthday thank you sir this is literally i've never in all my years seen anybody less excited about their birthday every year wait what i thought i've gotten a little better have you well you know i went the other way in my 20s and i try to embrace it so you know i'd i'd

pick a bar on 23rd Street when I turned 23 and 24th Street when I turn 24. Take the day off from work and just receive visitors all day. And, you know, it would grow to many, many, many people. So that was kind of maybe an overreaction or overcompensation. But I don't know. I'm not as uncomfortable with it. You want to know who texted me this morning. Who?

Tom Brady. What? What? me happy birthday. Yeah. No way. That's because Dickie put him up to it. He's like, he's like 60, pal.

You're old as fuck. And because Dickie goes out, wish him happy birthday and telling me 60. I'm 59. But that was wild to wake up to. Oh, my God. Yeah. Did you text him back? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had a little bro back and forth. Uh-huh. I'm going to be seeing him, hopefully seeing him soon. because we're doing this roast and we're trying to get them back. Oh, to be a roaster? No, it's to come out and pass the torch type of thing. Yeah. Like, oh, you guys ruin my family.

Good luck with this. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was brutal. Was the roast before, it was after his breakup? Right, right, right, because you guys talked about the fitness. Yeah, and a lot of jokes about Jazeel and the Jiu-Jitsu guy. Get this. They since have gotten married and have a child.

Crazy. Yeah, she's 45. But if she gets married, doesn't she lose her alimony? She doesn't need it. She makes more money than he does. She was richer than he was maybe for the whole time. I don't know, but definitely most of it. So is there a plan?

What are we doing for your birthday tonight? I'm heading over to Lauren Georges, my sister and brother-in-law, and my stepfather's coming over, and we're just going over there for dinner. Not much planned. Okay, well, maybe they'll be a time-long meetup. Not like the party. Yeah. Yeah.

My party. The blowout. The blowout was, I mean, it was everything I hoped it would be. Everybody wore 60s outfits and the decorations. We got a lot of compliments on the 60s decorations. 60s playlist. A lot of people took mushrooms. Here's the best part about the night.

How much money you made? How much money you made with this weird or rambor? to play cards? Yes, we had a blackjack table. Matt Malloy dealt and the house won about $240. But I am, we are taking Matt and his wife out to dinner. Well, I won 55 and Matt told me I'm supposed to, I cashed out with 55. I'm supposed to find a barcode. Oh, I didn't pay you your money that you won? You didn't pay. No, how many people won? Like, what am I going to now ask the birthday boy to pay me money? Oh, really? Yes, of course. It was a well-executed just scam. It was incredible. I could have lost a tremendous amount of money if people had gotten hot.

But the house never loses. I want to know who else I owe money to because I'll gladly pay it. And one of my daughter's friends lost a shitload and she was like suicidal. And so I sent her, I refunded her. money, even though it was only like 60 bucks, but she's like a dog walker. So she needed the money. Well, it says here, when I did, you had a code posted on like a tree in your backyard. And we were all told to send money for how many chips we wanted. So I have a record there that I did 20 bucks. And anyway, I wound up with 55, which is hard to do with a three, what was it, $3 max?

$3 max. But it's called a Venmo QR code. Don't act. like this is some weird fucking Bitcoin scam I'm running. It's very simple. You buy the chips and when you win, you request the amount you won. That is, I believe me, many people requested their winnings. All right. I like you owing me. All right.

And then we had a lot of people took mushrooms. I had like eight bars of mushrooms that I handed out to people. Two people. Actually, three people did co-cault. at the party, people were sneaking into the bathroom and snorting cocaine, which I was like, that doesn't happen at 60th birthday parties very often. Yeah, no, that was quite a scene. And they were not subtle about it.

Not subtle and not young. One of them considerably older than we are. And then here's the really topped it off is a couple had sex in the bathroom in the back. Did I tell you this? And they weren't even the ones doing cocaine. No. They were the ones who were, they were a couple, and they've been together since high school. And they're already.

Sounds like a disgusting party, the way we talk about it. And they went into the bathroom in the back, which is a very small bathroom. And we were on the dance floor, and they came out and I said, did you just have sex in the bathroom? And they burst out laughing. And he's like, yeah. Maybe that's all they do. They have to have it in friends bathrooms. Yeah, I could see that.

I like that. Yeah. And then people gave toasts, which was very, very touching. It was. You got so emotional. All right. We don't have to talk about that. So Mary Fitz got up there and talked about our friendship for 38 years.

Crazy. And then my son. sister got up and and then Tom Tom O'Neill spoke and he didn't really shit on me at all he was very everybody was

I was expecting to get roasted and I was ready for that but instead everybody was sincere and then you got up and we're incredibly sincere and you did this chat GPT thing which was kind of mind-boggling how dead on it was

yeah and I I roasted you a little bit because I started with Aaron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasn't it a shared event? It was a party for both of us, but she didn't really have anybody toasting her. Well, she did. I mean, you guys are all friends with her as well. No, my whole first half of the toast was about her, yeah.

Yes. No, yours was very funny and then it got serious. But then I got up and I was so moved. Because I look, I don't, people don't say nice things to me. People don't tell me how they feel about me. Yeah. And then I went up. And I had all these jokes that I was in the desert writing jokes on my notes app.

I was fucking locked and loaded. I was going to bury everybody. And then I literally said maybe three sentences. And then I had to choke back tears. And then you do that thing where you try to breathe through it, you know? Yeah. And I tried to breathe through it. And then I opened my mouth again.

And it was worse. And I just fucking walked away. It was crazy. It was, yeah, no, you got very emotional. The couple for a second considered not fucking in the bathroom and the cocaine, the cocaine boys almost threw it over the fence. It got very, very tender and sincere. Yeah, well, you know, I actually thought about sending out the jokes to the invitation list

so that people could see what I was going to say. Save it for 61. I'll save it for 61. Yeah. And then it was a great party, though. The food was amazing, the Mexican food, your family there. It was just great. What a collection of people.

I mean, unbelievable. It was just, and all the people that were intermingling, like Dave Rath met up with Owens' roommate's father, and now they're hanging out. Like, they've hung out since the party. I love when different groups of people come together. Because I think that all my friends are quality people and they see it in each other. Did you meet any girls? No, no. It was just all, no, it was just nonstop friends and then seeing old faces from your neighborhood.

I mean, keep in mind, I lived in Malloy's house after my divorce. And so I was in that neighborhood for a short spell. And just seeing a lot of the old faces was great. And then all the Boston comics came out. I had like five or six of the Boston boys were there. Yeah, yeah. I saw Burr show what did, Burr was out front by the food.

Yeah, and Chris McGuire. And then your buddy, Frank Sebastiano came over. Yep. Yeah. And then my, yeah, and then Mary Fitz flew in from Boston. Dimples Liz flew in from New York. My sister flew in. somebody else flew in too

so it was amazing anyway oh my god and your brother-in-law and the joe nameth because it was a 60s theme and he has a joe name it jersey on and we just all talked about your mom not throwing a move on joe somehow how is that not happening my mom uh yeah

hangs out with joe nameth down in florida incredible yeah um all right so let's get last night oh my god last night Well, we'll tease the Melania thing. We're going to talk about Melania in a little bit. But I was at the laugh factory last night. Little drama.

Little drama. All right. And Donnell Rawlings, who's just one of the best live comedians. He's so fucking funny. He's the guy that he opens for Chappelle on the road. Oh, he's in Chappelle's tight circle. And he was actually in the wire. I just rewatched the wire, and I forgot that he was in season one.

So anyway, he's on. stage and he's running the light he's going long whatever you know it's a good crowd he's on fire but the show was already running really late and so he was running the light and then this younger comic you know there's a light

there's a light switch that turns on the red light when you've got three minutes left yeah this kid goes over and he's next and he starts flicking the light on and off on and off on and off and you don't fuck with Donnell he he fucking reamed this kid from the stage.

He was like, motherfucker. The N-word was said 27 times. Okay. And, like, humiliated this guy, talking about who he was and who the fuck you are and the crowd. Like, it wasn't funny. It wasn't meant to be funny.

And it went on for a long time. And then everybody was waiting to see when he got off stage whether or not they were going to fight. And he got off and he ripped his jacket off. And then some people kind of got in the middle. And then the next kid was next. So he had to walk up on stage. And he's like, well, he said, fuck you.

I'm you. I'm the guy that was you. And he just kind of elegantly got through it. Wow. And, yeah. And Donnell, here's a crazy thing is Donnell was on. There's this TMZ bus. Have you ever seen those rolling through Hollywood?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. somehow part of the part of the TMZ bus tour was coming to see Donnell at the laugh factory. So he finishes at about 22 people pretty much all overweight black women

go streaming out of the club because he's getting on the bus with them to go to the next stop. They were all there to see him. That's why he went a little bit long. Yeah. I can't believe the kid didn't back off or leave well Donnell said why don't you fucking leave he goes

If you need the money I'll pay you the money Mother fucking and uh And so the guy walked down and he goes he goes I need that I need all $75 And uh yeah no I respected the guy for hanging in there Wow I left the show was an hour late And I said to the manager hey you don't need me

You know, Caroline Ray was sitting there waiting And somebody else was sitting there waiting I had three more con the show was already 45 minutes late And there were three more comics to go on ahead of me And so he so I just I left I was like fuck this I don't need this shit Should have started flickering the light with Caroline Ray on stage Yeah

That would have been good All right so this week's logo is from Kurt Thank you Kurt It is me Dressed up as Christy Gnome's husband with big balloon tits. Okay. Very funny.

The song this week from Blake Levan, who really takes it to another level every time. Do you want to comment on the song? Yeah, the song was very, well, I bet you're thinking it's like kind of beach boys in there, but very indie sounding. I liked it a lot. Nice harmonies. Nice job, Blake. Don't forget the songs are played in full.

At the end of the episode, if you enjoyed it, stick around and listen to the whole thing. One correction. I think there was more than one correction, but we took the week off last week. And so thank you for listening to an old episode. Some people really liked it, actually. And somebody said it was a woman who called Ice on the Roofer. Oh, that was the story about how somebody had a crew of workers. fix their roof or redo their roof.

Oh, right. When they were done, they called ice. Yeah. What's that? After the work's done. That's happened more than once? Yes. Oh, my God.

People have called after the work's done when they suspect someone in the crew. It's crazy. And so then they don't pay? No, no, no. They don't do it like that. No. I think that this one, the one we read, they didn't pay. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. There's a special place in hell for that person, especially when it's a woman. Yeah, that's the ultimate Karen move. Tour dates coming up. I'll be in Bakersfield at the Well on April 18th. Escondido Grand Comedy Club, April 24, 25, Brea Improv, May 8th, one show. Boston, Laugh, Boston, May 29th and 30th. Then I'm going up to New Hampshire, Rochester, New Hampshire, the Opera House, June 5th. Nice. Gunquit, Maine at Jonathan's on June 6th.

Tickets. Actually, tickets, I don't know if they're at Fitzdog.com. You might have to figure these tickets out yourself because I haven't put up the links to tickets for some of these gigs. I got to get my smooth operation. Anybody want to run my fucking website for me, by the way? I need help. I lost the last person that did it.

What do you need help? Describe it. What do they have to do? Really simple. Just update my calendar. put up a link once in a while. I don't know. AI can't do that?

That means I need to understand AI. Oh, God. Jesus. Holy craporuni. Ads. Here are a couple of advertisements that help us pay the bills. Oh, boy. It's like, here's the thing.

I have so many subscriptions that I don't, that I forgot that I had of like, premium memberships for things, streaming services, identity fraud thing that I don't use anymore. Like, I have so many subscriptions. So I went to Rocket Money. You download the app. It takes minutes. And then it scans all of your accounts.

And it tells you, I calculated that I was spending $220 a month that I was not aware of. That's $2,600 a year. So take the time. It doesn't make sense. And it's not just for finding that out. Rockabini, it also helps organize your spending. You can see where the money is going. It helps you sort of like put some limits on yourself, set some goals. You can get alerts on charges. So you stay on track and you're not just thinking about it all the time. It's doing it for you. Yeah, a sneaky way that you're paying more is when you get a bundle and it covers another one you're already paying for, like the Hulu Disney bundle, for example, or something like that.

Right, the Hulu bundles where they get you because you think you're paying just for Hulu, but there's like two other channels built into there. Like I get Paramount Plus because I want to watch Tulsa King. That's all I want to watch on Paramount Plus. You don't have to say that out loud. Good luck canceling it. Paramount Plus literally. If you Google it, it's impossible to cancel.

It took me days. I watched Tulsa King and then I canceled it. It was very easy. Second season was easy to cancel. The first season I kind of liked. Anyway, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps finding cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending,

and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at Rocket. money.com slash papers. That's rocketmoney. Dot com slash papers. Rocketmoney.com slash papers. Make sure you put in our code, even though it doesn't get you a discount or anything,

because there isn't one, they'll know that we sent you, and it helps our podcast. So please remember to put that in. Also, let me ask you this. Speaking of space. Speaking of what? Space. We talked about Artemis and NASA and astronauts. Here comes some miracle made sheets.

So are you going to say? You're waiting for me? I don't know. It seemed like I was interrupting you. Well, you know, I did the first ad. Maybe you did the second one. How about that? Right.

Well, it happens all the time, especially now when we're in between seasons. I get hot in the middle of the night cold. We all know it. I don't have to spell it out to you. And you don't, you're just trying to be comfortable and sleep. Miracle made sheets are perfect. They regulate the temperature while you sleep. You're not waking up sweating or then shivering.

And here's the wild part. they stay cleaner longer because they're silver infused. They're high tech. Regular sheets can build up bacteria fast. These are designed to prevent 99.7% of bacterial growth. So you're not just more comfortable. You're sleeping cleaner as well. But I don't want people to think that you're sleeping in some like tinfoil thing.

They feel like high-end hotel sheets and they're soft and breathable. And they're not insanely excited. expensive. So upgrade your sleep or give the gift of better rest. Go to try miracle.com slash papers to try miracle made sheets today. You'll save over 40%. And when you use the promo code papers, you'll get an extra 20% off plus a free three-piece towel set. They make an amazing gift. It's a 30-day money-back guarantee. There's no risk. Try miracle.com.com. papers that's t ry miracle.com papers slash papers at checkout thanks to miracle made for sponsoring us thank you miracle made miracle and the code is papers at checkout don't forget it all right

do you have a paper got something to crinkle I think I do I don't even know what I'm crinkling I don't want to crinkle something that's probably jury summons jury Duty summons? Yeah, that's not a good crinkle. Oh, man, let's spend 10 minutes finding a sprinkle. I'll get one. What do we got? Mom, Mom, Mom.

Here we go. I got a bag. Ready? All right. Here we go. Let's do it. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one.

Transgender Wyoming residents will no longer be able to update the gender marker on their driver's license due to a quiet behind-the-scenes change. That's ironic. Yeah, another change. While trans Wyomingites have been able to obtain accurate driver's licenses in the state since 2019, a combination of laws and policies means that is no longer the case. The Wyoming DOT will now require an amended birth certificate to updated gender marker rather than simply providing letters from a medical provider.

So while Kansas invalidated trans drivers licenses with a well-publicized bill and letters to residents telling them their licenses were revoked, Wyoming exchanges have quietly occurred behind the scene. So, by the way, trans in Wyoming, the bar is set pretty low. It just means you tuck your jeans into your boots. What I like is if you're stuck trans now. You have buttons on your. your shirt instead of snaps. That's trans in Wyoming. You drive a Prius.

That's all it takes. You don't have a mustache. That makes you trans. You have pleats on your khakis. That's trans in Wyoming. You might have a mustache depending which way we're going. Right. Right.

I think what this does is now you're stuck trans. Imagine if you just want to be like, you know, oh man, my buddy's messed around. They signed me up as trans. I got to undo that. Nope. Can't change it. No more changes. Yeah, I think freshman here in college you should be able to go back and forth a couple times.

Yeah. How many, by the way, how many trans people would you guess are reported to be in Wyoming? 27. I was going to guess a very low number also. It's like 2000. You checked? Yeah. I looked it up.

Jesus. I know. It's more than I thought. It's still like every state. I think every state. It's less than 1%. But they're all in Jackson Hall, by the way. They're all in just Jackson Hall.

Yeah. Which, by the way, is the nickname for the gay bar there. Jackson's Hall. Exactly. Well, what was Louis' joke about, it was about Progpac Mountain? It was actually his wife. They were watching it together. And she did the math on what year it was.

And it was Wyoming, I believe. and she's like, why don't they just move to New York? Like the village people are killing it in New York at this point. It made it feel like the 1870s. Uh-huh. Yeah. How many trans people are you friends with? How many do you know?

Let me rephrase that. How many do you know? Well, now you're implying that I, know some and I don't like them. Right. Yeah. No, I don't know. My first experience, uh, well, my first experience with it was, I was probably one of the first, like, I shouldn't say that, but first popular one, because our family knew Renee Richards. Renée Richards is arguably the, the earliest, most famous American case of it anyway. I think, who was a man who was an eye doctor,

a doctor, doctor, actually I don't know the, I shouldn't dead name anyway, but I don't know the former name. And then became Renee Richards, Dr. Renee Richards, and then try to play women's professional tennis. Oh, that's right. And like Billy Jean King and Chris Everwood dressed in the same room,

through where we lived in New York. I played tennis against her And, you know, she was very, you know, kind of convincingly feminine. And like, I never messed up in terms of pronouns or anything like that. Like, it was pretty natural. Convincingly feminine until she fucking just rocked you three sets to none. She was down.

We were playing doubles. She was down like 540. And then I saw, I then didn't see a serve. that she did. And I was like, oh, okay, there's another level here. Yeah. Yeah. Before that, it was very feminine serves, which I'm, whatever, I'm probably canceled just

even for saying that. A fast-spreading stomach virus is recently. Guess what newspaper this was printed in. A fast-spreading stomach virus is resurging across California with wastewater data revealing spikes in multiple cities. The post? Oh, yeah. They love this story.

Yeah. They were taping it with an erection, typing it. So there's high concentrations of rotavirus in Marin, Redwood City, San Jose, Santa Cruz, and guess where? San Francisco. It comes from swallowing semen, I bet they'll say. Well, no, it comes from swallowing shit. So in this case, yes, semen. A highly contagious virus causes severe, watery diarrhea.

Which, by the way, diarrhea is grossly underrated. I fucking love diarrhea. Okay. I feel like I'm cleaning out my insides. I kind of like the sensation of it rushing out of my asshole. And you lose a little bit of weight. You lose a little bit of gut. It's not so bad.

The couple that had sex in your bathroom just threw up. I want to have diarrhea just short of dying. Just almost there. And then when you're done... Called the Civil War. And then when you're done, you use the bidet, which is like counteracting. Now the water's going the opposite direction. It's like a water war.

Oh, my God. Yeah. You're like a canal. Yeah. Lending the water in and out. Tides in. Disgusting. Well, it's better than monkey pox, which is what the post love talking about and blamed it on the gays.

What's monkey pox? Monkey pox, man. It reared its ugly head a few years ago. And one of the culprits, it was reported, one of the likely way, one of the most likely ways it was spread was through male homosexual sex, I believe. Interesting. Yes, yes. because it was hitting those populations. Yeah.

Okay, here's the big story. I don't know why we didn't lead with this, but a resurfaced text message from convicted sex trafficker, Gislane Maxwell to Melania Trump is fueling fresh online speculation about alleged ties to disgrace financier, Jeffrey Epstein.

By the way, did you see this yesterday? Well, it's Sunday now, but we're taping this Saturday. Melania came out and basically denied allegations that have not been made against her. It was so fucking surreal.

No, it baffled the press. She was talking about rumors that are going around about her that haven't started yet. And so, so anyway, I mean, I don't think we need to rehash this story. I think people know it, but basically she did send a message to

Jis Lane and she signed it, Love Malone. And she praised an article about Jeffrey Epstein and talked about how she'd see her down in Palm Beach. But here's the thing. There is a story that I heard maybe, what was it, seven or eight years ago I told you this story? I don't know. I had a guest on my podcast.

And during the commercial break, and I won't say who the guest was, he told me that he had been on an island that was affectionately known as, Fuck Island by the celebrities. And he said it's a place where there's a lot of like Eastern European women that are models and you go there. Nothing about children. He didn't know anything about children. But he said he was there with Melania. It's called Manhattan.

He is there with Melania. And Donald Trump had a girl with him. And Donald asked if they could exchange dates. And that date was Melania. and I heard that story seven, eight years ago, and I think it's finally going to pop up. Well, the official story that they run with is she went to a party of like the agent, the modeling agent or manager who had kind of convinced her to move to New York and everything.

Anyway, it was at that party. She showed up with a date. Donald, who was still married, also showed up with a date who wasn't Marlon Maples. And they were both their dates. And that's when they exchanged numbers. But here's the thing. Now that you bring up the guy that introduced them,

the modeling agent. Yeah. His wife. You don't even believe this shit. Okay. So this guy who supposedly introduced them is a big, he owns a big beauty pageant. And for the record, Donald says,

this is how he met Melania. Well, this guy was married to a Brazilian woman, and they divorced recently. The Brazilian woman was Melania's best friend for 20 years. And they divorced, and the guy called ICE on his ex-wife. She was thrown in jail and then deported back to Brazil. So now she's pissed off. This is what Melania is worried about.

This woman is now saying that she is going to spill the beans about everything. People have to start talking, especially as they feel the tide turning, you know. There's a lot of people that know a lot that aren't saying anything. Have you heard the breakdown of this oil shortage that's about to really be felt? No. It takes a month or something for the oil to get from the straight to refineries. And the last oil is getting to refineries now. So even if this morning,

there was a ceasefire and they came to an agreement, there'd be a month lag. And that's if it happened right now. And it's going to be brutal. Well, it's 20% of all our oil comes from there. Yeah, but also for the world, it's going to really cripple some of the economies around the world. But just getting back to the... So everyone's jumping ship kind of from the Trump support. but just getting back to Trump

whether or not he met her on Epstein's island the question is not okay so here's this island and it's well known it's an island where Eastern Europe poor Eastern European women that are models quote unquote models are meeting millionaires

millionaire perverts so the question isn't why was Trump on the island it was like why wouldn't he have been on the island of course he was on the island. All right. I wonder he could probably have her deported if she acts up again and gets lippy. Yeah, of course he can. She was here illegally.

And his son is technically an anchor, but he's a dream baby or whatever they call it. When he was born here, she was not legal yet. Oh, boy, you know a lot about this. Anyway, why don't you read the next story? because my voice is starting to go. Christine Ome's husband reportedly told Dominatrix he was trans. Look at you. You picked some real gems today.

Yeah. Brian Noem wanted to change his name and fantasized about getting different surgeries. He reportedly told another woman this. The bimbofication scandal surrounding Christine Ome's husband has somehow gotten even worse. So just after weeks of reporting that he was that, uh, that, uh, Brian, who's married. Okay, you don't edit these stories when you put them in here. So just weeks...

Oh, I'm so sorry I put every single story in, and I didn't edit it down to your liking. Just weeks after Brian Nome, came out he liked to dress in drag as a large-breasted woman in his spare time. It's now been revealed that he had a nine-year online relationship with a large-breasted dominatrix. A lot of boobs in this story.

Yeah. And he frequently disparaged his wife to her and discussed transitioning from man to woman. Quote, I felt he was very hypocritical for standing ten toes on American family values while he was in my messages about wanting to be a trans bimbo bitch. That's her saying that, not me. Besides the fact of who your wife is, no one is prettier than me. No one is as powerful. A text from this woman read after she discovered. is true identity.

And he goes, fucking true. Do you want me to be a woman? Do you want to be a woman for me? I think I do. So that was the text chain that was just uncovered. And there's more about how he wants to become a woman and change his name to Crystal. Oh, that's so pretty. I want to be Crystal so bad.

I want to be a woman so bad. He discussed the various plastic surgeries to make him look more feminine. Amazing. Amazing. And he even alluded to family stuff and things being really bad at home for his wife around January 16th when Renee Goodwood was shot. You know things are bad for Christy Nome when her husband has balloons in his shirt, lipstick and a wig and says, things are really bad for my wife right now. It's all relative, man. Things are getting really weird for Christy right now.

Christy should force the family to move to Wyoming and then he cannot change. Yes. He cannot keep him from changing. Exactly. Yeah. What, what, I mean, I just love it when people are so, it's like the religious hypocrisy where there's so many sexual deviance professing the Bible. Yeah. I know.

I know. It really is like a collection of politicians. are, I mean, first of all, anybody that wants to put themselves in a position where the public votes on whether or not they want them. And then they get incredible power over other people. It's a weird thing to want. And it entails having a false self that you're projecting to America. Because nobody's running based on their real beliefs. They're running based on polls. and they've got, you know, political advisors that are telling them what they should say they think

and what they say they believe. They're all complete phonies. Right. That sounded trite as hell. Well, Christy might not be, but boy, is she in bed with one? Her home is. Do you think she's in bed with him? You think she has sex with them?

Yeah, on those high-tech sheets, man, miracle sheets. Are you kidding me? Oh, yeah, he gets hot. She gets cold. All right, ethical, wait, where's the, here we go. It's time for an ethical question. Your turn, Cali. This comes from Scott, who wanted me to ask you this.

I got a coupon for free Chick-fil-A sandwich. I ordered it in the drive-thru. Let them know I had a coupon. They took the sandwich off the bill. But when I pulled around to collect my food, they never asked for the coupon. So a couple days later, I went back and did the same thing. Am I taking advantage or should I not feel bad since they hate the gays? Is he gay?

Well, he's got balloons under his shirt. All right. Yeah, it doesn't mean he's gay. Yeah, I mean, ethically, it's easy. It's wrong, obviously. I imagine, are they easy to get? How did he get the coupon? How did you get the coupon, Scott?

Yeah, I mean, are they in newspapers? That's fair game. You can run around and get them, but I understand you're using the same one. Listen, I guess I would do it. I mean, anything to support the gay-hating chicken franchise, right? Yes. It is weird that they hate the gays and yet they make their employees dressed like homosexuals. Have you seen those fucking hats they have to wear?

Yeah, right. That is true. That's funny. They just don't want Scott pulling up and saying, who do I have to blow to get a free sandwich here? So they just take his coupon. And they know it. They'll like keep it.

Use it tomorrow, please. All right, let's get to entertainment. Oh, here we go. There we go. All right. The pit star, Noah Wiley, speaking out about edits made to an episode of the hit HBO medical drama

featuring U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents. He said he was initially concerned after HBO provided notes on the episode, asking it to be more, quote, balanced. The show includes an episode this season where ICE arrive at the hospital with a detained individual. In the March 19th episode, the arrival of ICE agents becomes unsettling for patients and staff and later leads to the arrest of a nurse. Oh, I hope it's the blonde nurse. I don't like. Wiley told Variety that at first he felt uneasy about HBO's notes on the episode. Quote, the negotiation was being driven by political reasons, creative reasons, fear, uncertainty,

all sorts of legitimate reasons. Wiley, who was also an executive producer on the show, said, I'll be honest and say that I was concerned about the edits we were making initially. So what is this? He's no longer concerned? Well, basically what happened is Warner Brothers that owns HBO and is about to be acquired by Paramount

which is David Ellison who's the son of Silicon Valley billionaire Larry Ellison who's like Trump's buddy so they're self-censoring and it was bad like apparently there was another episode it was an abortion episode and Larry Ellison made the girl decide to keep the baby. Huh.

No, that's not true. But I like that. In one episode, Noah Wiley's character decides instead of rectal surgery to pray over the guy, and Jesus goes up his asshole and the guy gets cured. Yeah. So you're seeing a lot of right-wing propaganda going into the show. Yeah. And then, I mean, forget the gay community.

community near Pittsburgh. It keeps, it's God. God doesn't like them. And then so they don't treat them when they come in. That's right. When they're, when they're little villages flooded or they're struck by lightning. And then there was this Iranian woman, the patient that came in.

And they set off a firecracker in her strait of Hormuz. They blew it up. Biden came in for dementia, admitted that his whole, the lie, the, the big lie, turns out that did go down. He was not the real president. It's quite an episode. His son came to visit, left his laptop in the waiting area. They found a lot of stuff about Epstein's Island on it.

He stole a ton of amphetamines from the nurse's closet. Right. It's getting, I'm starting to like the pit now. Everybody's trying to use Obamacare and it's not working for them. Yeah. Absolutely. The hospital is always playing kid rock over the PA system. It's a very soothing music for the patients.

Yeah. All right. We are going to make America, Florida. Here we go. These were sent in. I forgot to grab the name, but they were, well, actually, they were sending me from you. You received them from a listener. A series of, I like this story, a series of drug-laced hot dogs found in a

Broomfield backyard has sparked an investigation by police. They believe that the incidents were intended to target the family's dogs. In the first incident, a homeowner found two hot dogs in her backyard. A crystal-like substance was found inside and later tested positive for meth. In the second incident at the same backyard, the homeowner's dog and her daughter's dog began exhibiting strange behavior after ingesting one or more hot dogs found in the backyard. Both dogs underwent evaluation and tested positive for meth. Another uneaten hot dog was recovered from the property. In the most recent incident, one of the family's dogs became ill after consuming an

unknown item found in the backyard. And the testing showed that the dog had ingested meth and Molly. Oh, now it's a party. I bet that was the golden retriever just having the best day of his life. As if dogs weren't affectionate enough. Now you put them on Molly? Jesus, they're really going to hump your leg. Dogs are selling their assholes at the 7-Eleven just to get more of the hot dogs.

Yeah, they're trying to give you a hand job, but they have no thumb. They have no opposable thumb. It's so Florida. in heat now. They all got guns. They ride around without helmets. It's just a once you get the meth hot dogs going, you're full Florida. Yeah. Now here's another ethical question. Okay, your next door neighbor has a pit bull that they don't keep on a leash and has attacked

two different kids. Do you drug the dog and put it down? Wow. I don't know. I think my mind immediately went to. being prepared for a legitimate self-defense, but killing it. Yeah. I mean, wait, it's attacked two kids. How is the thing even still out and about?

It's Florida. Oh, okay. We got a second Florida? Yeah, yeah. Someone else sent another Florida in here. So we put this one. A Florida man gets pulled over because even in Florida, you can't have missiles mounted on your truck.

We should have the picture of this, but just picture they're like 10 foot long missiles. Yeah, it's Afghanistan. Florida Highway Patrol pulled over a Ford Maverick pickup truck sporting a brace of rocket-propelled ordinance in the flatbed. When the cops went to go ordinance, that's what that word says. When the cops went to see who the driver was, they were stunned to discover that it was.

none other than a Florida man. I don't know what that means, but I'm just reading what it says. Perhaps still reeling from, and this is a related story, crashing a Mustang through an airport fence, I think we did that story. This guy who's called Florida man, I insisted his DIY missile truck was entirely benign and harmless. The Highway Patrol responded by calling in the bomb squad and the fire department and a bunch of other departments and they set up an emergency perimeter and the bomb squad confirmed that the Florida man was right. They're merely plastic models he'd assembled from a kit.

So he slips away once again according to this paper. Well, I got to tell you this, if you come to a four-way stop and he's on your right, I think you give him the right away. I think you wave that guy through. I also might think about driving a motorcycle. I might start putting on a helmet if this guy's in my neighborhood. Yeah.

I just might start doing that. Yeah. No, there's definitely, there's like a big dick contest in Florida about how large your truck is. And, you know, you get the double wheels in the back. Yeah. You know, and you jack it up. But I think, I think this is where they, this is where Florida finally draws a line in the sand. with rockets on the back.

Well, that's a gunwreck. I'll show you a stinking gunwreck. Just these two giant missiles on it. I wish they were real. That's what I wanted. I wanted that story to end up being real. I know. I'm a little disappointed.

All right, we're going to this day in history? Let's go to this day in history for God's sake. Here we go. Let's do it. Oh, you're going to have to bear with me. It's not a good one. You said you're not impressed with this day in history. I know.

This day in history was the day that your mother fucking squeezed you out, my friend. That is true. And, you know, I don't share a lot of famous birthdays, I don't think. Remember that birthday book we had? And the most amazing thing was we read a relative of yours. And it was genuinely negative. You don't think a birthday book based on astrology is going to be mean. And it was.

And that's when we believed it. But my theory on that book is he looks at who you share birthdays with, and then he writes about their traits. So like Picasso's April 5th or is Picasso your birthday? I don't know. Who's on your birthday? I don't know. Wow. I have a couple friends.

I don't know. I'm pretty famous. April 20th is Hitler's birthday. So he'll probably say, you know, these people tend to be quite industrial. and productive. They get a lot done. They can be artists. You know, the typical Hitler traits.

That's what they'll do. Yeah, that's also why they made it pot day, 420. Mickey Mantle made his MLB debut as an outfielder on this day in what year, give or take, five years. Five years. Mickey Mantle. All right. Kentucky Mantle, Brooklyn Dodgers, they were big in the 50s. I would say, Yankees.

Yankees. Good Lord, the Yankee Clipper. All right, then I'm going to say 1949. You did it, pal, 51. There we go. I love it. I love it. All right, let's see.

The hugely popular TV show Game of Thrones debuted on HBO in what year. We're going to go five years again, give or take. 2012. Look at you, 2011. Nice. Well, I figured it went like eight seasons and it takes a couple years for each season, so I backtracked. Very good. You've seen the whole thing?

Oh, yeah. I got to see the new one. I guess there's another spin-off that's very good. I skipped the Dragon one, right? Yeah, the Dragon one sucks. And I did just watch, I think it's called the Night of Seven Kingdoms or something like that. It's short, man, very, like six half hour or 40 minute episodes. How is it?

I really liked it. Yeah, people love it. And the second or last one, oh boy, some action. Let's just put it like unbelievable fun. Is there female nudity? There's wenches. Yes, there's wenches. Yeah, it's always the wenches.

And you think, all I can think about is when they have sex with a wench in Game of Thrones or the House of Dragons. How many fucking venereal diseases are they catching? Having sex with a whore in the fourth century. Oh, I always think about, no, watching any like period piece from back then, anything with old royalty, anything forget medieval times, anything, quite honestly, anything before 1920. And I'm like, how sticky was that? Yeah.

How unsanitary and stinky was that? And then the husbands go to a horse house. And then they bring out of water. They have, and then they take it all back to their wives, the husbands. Or the other way around, if it's progressive. There you go. American journalist Walter Cronkite, he became the anchor of the CBS evening news. Here's a hint, a position he held for nearly two decades.

And during that time he became known as, quote, the most trusted man in America, give or take five years. One did Kronkite become the anchor of the CBS evening news? All right. Well, he famously said, and I'm going to misquote this, but a day that lives in infamy on Pearl Harbor, which was 1943. So. Can I already tell you you're not going to be close?

Well, I would say he started 10 years before that. So I'll say 1930. I'll say 1935. So you're saying Walter Cronkite was done in 1955. All right. He was never around for Pearl Harbor. What? Wasn't he the guy that said a day that lives in infamy?

He got the job in 62. Ah! He got the new. on JFK. He got the news on JFK, how to remove his glasses, because he very uncharacteristically got upset and emotional. So was that the day that lived in infamy,

or am I getting the wrong broadcaster? Wrong, wrong person. I think it was, it was pro hard with the city date. Oh, right. Yeah. Right.

Okay. Okay, at age 40, Michael Jordan played his last game in the National Basketball Association. This is, for his comeback, his very last game was on this date in what year. I got to give you more years here, I think. I'm going to give you seven years. 2006. You got it. 2003, you could have done it with five.

Nice. All right, let's find one more to go out on. You're ready. Oh, man, it's all people who died. I'm three for four, by the way, even though one of my misses was extremely bad. Do you know when the Titanic sank? Well, they were all dressed up like a bunch of fucking flappers. It was the day that lived in infamy.

They were in tuxedos. Leonardo DiCaprio was pretty young. I'm going to say, I think you can get it within 10 years. All right. I'm going to say the Irish was still coming over in steerage. So I would say 1890. Yikes. 1912.

How many years did you give me? 10. Yeah. I mean, should we go out, try to find a positive note to go out on this. This is getting very hard. J.C. Penny. He's an American businessman. He opened his first dry goods store in Wyoming. It was not trans friendly. And it's back to being that way. What year, give or take 40 years did J.C. Penny open in Wyoming? 1860.

1902. You missed it by two years. Come on. We got to get a win. We have to get a win, God damn it. What are you talking about it? I got the first three out of four. The Grapes of Wrath was published in one year, give or take 20 years. All right. Well, it was based on the Depression, the Great Depression, which would have been in the 1930s. So I would say it came out in 1950. Oh, my God. 1939. You did it. Oh, shit. There we go.

It's a win. It's a win. You know, East of Eden is very high on my list. You know what I'm reading right now is I've told you I've become a reader. Is James, the story of... Now, when you say read, explain to me about you turning the pages and marking your page and all that stuff. Well, one book I recently read, I did do that in conjunction with Audible, which I would listen to in the car. Okay.

But I'm listening to it the way stories were... originally intended in the oral tradition. But Jim, you know, won a whole slew of awards. And it's, it's Huck Finn told from the perspective of Jim, the slay. Yes, my wife's book group read it. And they liked it. They weren't blown away, but they liked it. I agree with, I talked to Aaron about it.

And I think I got to the second gimmicky thing that we were vaguely referencing. And yeah, I'm not, I want to go back to Huck Finn and see how much of the. Well, that's what they did. They read Huck Finn as a group before they read James. I think that might hurt it because I think some of the adventures, which are incredible, are in Huck Finn, obviously. And then a lot is added.

Yeah. I'm not, I am not as blown his way as I was hoping. Okay. But anyway, east of Eden, it's coming up. It's coming up. Tackling that bastard. Does that mean you're going to watch the James, movie or you're actually going to read the book. I will not. I will not. It's a very

intimidating book, but I'm going to do it. All right. Let's get to the obituaries. There is now. Yeah, there was an obituary. Oh, all right. Here we go. Oh, sorry. Yes, yes, personal on the personal side of things. Alex Duong, who was a friend of mine. He was a door guy at the comedy store and a very funny comedian. He had some serious acting credits. He was on Blue Bloods. He was on everybody hates Chris. But just the sweetest fucking guy.

Every time I'd pull into the comedy store, he'd be there and not pushy and aggressive about trying to like hang. Just a good hang. And he had a wife and a kid and fuck, man. He loved this little girl. And he had an eye thing, some kind of an eye cancer that they treated and they did a major surgery on. And he was deep in debt.

So they had started a fund for him at the store that we all gave to. And then it was supposed to be done. They got it. And then all of a sudden I read that he died. And it was misdiagnosed. And he was just very, very loved at the comedy store. He'd been there for a long time. And it was a fucking very sad day.

That's horrible. I went there for the first time last night since it happened. And I really had to stop in the parking lot for a second and think about that I'll never see him there again. So all our love to his family and good luck. And if you want to donate to the cause, you can go to, let me see if I can find. Are they having a night for him? I don't know about that. They should

Yeah They should have a night for him But I'm not sure Where is it Let me just see if I can find the GoFund me All right you go there Well I'm going to go ahead Just look up Alex Duong

D-U-O-N-G And I'm sure you'll find it Okay All right We're moving on to the funnies Here we go All right I'm going to start with an onion Here is an onion

related to a story earlier. I got to remember to send this in. It's Melania at a podium. And the onion headline is Melania Trump slams, baseless reports linking her to the wrong wealthy pedophile. That's great.

All right. We took last week off, but the week before that, the comedy captions contest gave you a frame of Two guys standing in front of a Tesla truck, the douchiest motor vehicle ever produced in mankind. It's a black guy and a white guy. They're talking to each other. The white guy has a vest on. Anthony said, you'll never guess the arm gesture you have to give to open the doors.

Good one. I like that. Darren Williams said, I save money on gas. I found out it runs on vinegar and water. Because it's dushy. I fucking love that one. All right. Brian Woodhouse said, if you buy one, the vest and sandals are free. And then Jeremy M. gave us two. Let me pick one. Unfortunately, Elon only maxes them out at 87 miles per hour,

so you can't go back and prevent Biff from becoming president. That's pretty thoughtful. Yeah, I like that. Willem said, oh yeah, bro, you better believe it. Ever since I got this baby, I'm up to my nuts and guts every night. Oh, okay. Up to my nuts and guts. I mean, that's the worst description.

I think what they would be saying, yeah. And then finally, Dan Fuente said, you know what percentage of cyber trucks are actually used to carry around tools? 100. All right, tools. That one I liked, and I had to write him back and say, did you think of that? Because it sounds almost too well worn. I like the arm gesture.

I think that arm gesture could be in like, that's like New Yorker quality, I think. Oh, I got, this was from Dan. He said, I asked him if he did write it. He goes, I totally did it. And I don't think I'll ever stop being stoked, you asked, ha, ha. Oh, that's nice. Just for that, I got to give it to him.

Which one did you say? liked? I liked the first one from Anthony. Arm gesture is very good. I really like the vinegar and water. I feel like there's a few really good ones. Rieway tie. How about it?

Yeah, but that means you've got to send out three coosies. We might be out of coosies. We can no longer make promises. All right. So let's give it to all three since none of them are getting coosies. You know what? I agree with that. We're officially ending coozy prizes.

We have to come up with another prize. maybe we'll do Greg Fitzsimmons tour pins. Oh, I like that. Yeah, I'll just drop them off at your house. Yeah, it's so easy to send pins in the mail. Yeah. All right, perfect. All right, next week's comedy caption is a police officer writing a ticket for a car that he's just pulled over.

But the driver of the car seemingly is a dog who has his ass pointed at the cop and his tail. He's presenting. He's presenting. You can see his little, uh, his little asterisk shaped asshole. And the cop is talking. So what is the cop saying to the dog that is aiming his asshole at him?

Let's get to the pros. Hager is at the, uh, knife sharpening with a sword sharpening wheel. He's sharpening his sword. And his son comes up and goes, Dad, where did I come from? Hager goes, what's wrong, son?

Do you have amnesia? And the son goes, maybe so. I forgot you never answer that question. And then in the third frame, Hagger goes, all right, come back, son. Let me tell you where you came from. Your mother was in a field tending to some crops. And I came up with my sword.

And there was a lot of crying. Anyway, that's where you came from. Also, do not, under any circumstances, do 23 and me. You have a lot of siblings in the North Atlantic. Yes. Yes. And I'm not definitely the one that had sex with your mother. There might have been a few dozen other guys that afternoon. Now we got Leroy sitting on the couch. Loretta's talking to her friend behind. He's watching TV. She goes, Leroy said he wanted to change the world. But he settled for changing the channel. Then she's walking past him. She's carrying a broom. He's sitting down drinking a beer. And he goes, goes, wouldn't you rather take an Uber?

I like that. That's really mean. And finally, on Blondie, Blondie's daughter is standing out, and I say Blondie's daughter, not Dagwood's daughter, because she actually seems, first of all, she's smoking hot.

Yeah. She's standing with some dude, and they're outside the front door. I really enjoy your healthy lifestyle vlogs cookie. And she goes, thanks Ryan and then he goes I've never dated a girl who's an influencer and she goes aw sweet

third frame is Dagwood in his fucking donut pajamas and slippers and he's got a cup pressed against the door so he can listen to what's happening out there Blondy says honey you need to quit eavesdropping and he goes not until I figure out what kind of

influencer this guy is well you know I think what he's going to find out is that his daughter is a little more hypersexual than his wife is. What a perv. I know. Isn't that fucking creepy? Yep. I didn't know he had it in them.

I mean, what else do you think you're going to hear them making out? Yeah. Fucking Dagwood. All right. Listen, let's remind you guys to support our sponsors so you can support the show and we can just keep right on going. If you go to rocketmoney.com slash papers, you can cut down on your spending. Also, if you want to sleep better and cleaner, try miracle.com slash papers. Get yourself 40% off, 20% off, three-piece towel set, the whole thing. And otherwise, we'll see you guys next week.

Take it is. Take it is. There it is. Mike and Greg It's Sunday so they're gonna make you all as they say So take it from me That's guaranteed But Greg and Mike

Sunday paper