Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 309 4/19/26

Episode Date: April 19, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg and Mike are back with another Sunday Papers covering everything from illegal backyard blackjack games to a dispensary fire that may have accidentally created the happiest town in Colorado. They dive into 4/20 plans, comedy roasts, music nostalgia, and some wild news stories, plus a few corrections from last week. Sponsors: Hims Weight Loss – Get a personalized plan: https://hims.com/papers Miracle Made Sheets – Upgrade your sleep: https://trimiracle.com/papers This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Read all about Sunday papers flopping down on your welcome, Matt. Welcome us into your ears. For those watching, I'll look like an insane person swatting in the air, but I have these bugs from some houseplants. I don't know how to get rid of them. I bought a little insecticide spray. They sell little sticky things you can put in. And boy, they work, but it's an endless supply of little bugs.

Have you ever had that problem? I was on stage one night in Sacramento. And this big fucking fly, a loud fly was buzzing around my head on stage. And I literally chased it around the stage, left the mind. microphone, chased it around the stage while 200 people cheered, and I jumped up and I grabbed it out of the air. Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The place went fucking crazy. And it just made me realize how poor my material is, that that was the highlight of the show for that. That's the highlight of Sacramento that week, I think. Yes, I think so. Are you kidding me? We went to Sacramento together. We loved it, remember?

We did. Yeah, we did. It was great. Yeah. But anyway, if anyone knows any solutions, I got the sticky little little things you put in the plant that catch a lot of them. And anyway, whatever. I love house plants. I think Harvey Weinstein did that as, I think Harvey Weinstein had that as well, didn't he?

Yeah, you know, I should try Harvey Weinstein's trick. Spray them down with my insecticide. Well, that also. Well, Mike, happy birthday. Mine was a couple episodes ago. Yours was this past week. And congratulations. It was Sunday when we aired, yeah.

Oh, yeah, but we didn't talk about the party. You hadn't had your party yet. How was that? No party. I thought you went over to your sister's house. Oh, that's called a dinner with four people, including my stepfather. That's so sad. Four people including me.

It was a little different than yours. Yeah. Like I didn't take their money in a blackjack game. Hey, look, man, all you got to do is request it. Here's the thing. I ran an illegal blackjack game on my backyard that Matt Malloy dealt. Here was the deal. You walk up and you buy chips.

How do you buy chips? You go to the QR code that's hanging right next to the, We don't have to go through this again. And you buy $20 worth of chips. When you're done with the game, you count up how many chips you've won, and then you request from the same QR code the amount that you won. Simple, clean, straightforward. And now you're acting like I ripped somebody off.

The house didn't even make very much money. We came out a little bit ahead. You came ahead at your party on a gambling game. Well, I'm taking the dealer out to dinner. wife. The house always wins. I mean, you don't even, you don't even have to, uh, you, the dealer can bust and still win the entire hand. Yes, but did you get free drinks while you were gambling? Oh, okay. So it is like a, like an institution that is systematically set up to take your money. It's exactly like that. Correct. I got it. And we were pumping oxygen right around the table.

How much did you win? 55 bucks. All right. Request it. Nope. We're going to let it ride. We'll bet on things. Okay.

Okay. All right. What do you want to bet on this week? Well, I'm personally betting against the Lakers. I mean, I always do anyway, but they're about to start the playoffs today. And I'm working on this Kevin Hart roast, and LeBron and Kevin Hart are friends. And that would be sprinkling some nice stardust on the roast if LeBron were. to attend.

And so I'm rooting for LeBron to be available on May 11th or whatever, 10th. I see. Okay. Yeah. Well, let's see. So that's my personal. But the playoffs have begun in earnest. So the odds right now, it's the rockets against the Lakers.

And it looks like. Houston is favored. Yes. But you want the Lakers to lose? Yeah. All right. Well, that's a four and a half point spread on tonight's game. So let's play tonight's game four and a half points for $55.

Let me check your math. I mean, good Lord. Where are you looking? Draft Kings. All right. Nice. Okay. Why don't you check later?

But let you say for the sake of this, you're the one who started this. But okay. All right. I know. It just be nice during this podcast to get your head up out of your phone for maybe 30% of the podcast. What do you mean? I just looked at it because you brought it up.

Speaking of on my phone, I now have a commute to work. It's nice in L.A. It's about the office is only about 10 miles away. So it's an hour drive each way. And I started listening to Cameron Crow's new book, the uncool. Have you done it? No. What is that? It's great. Cameron Crow's autobiography is a memoir. And so far, it's very, like, almost famous. And you see all the scenes he took out of his real life. But you also now are hearing the real story. It's not like a made-up band, like, almost famous.

I mean the unbelievable, like the Alman Brothers stories, the Zeppelin stories. They're just, they're really, and he's 15. Well, catch people out if they don't know this story. Tell people the story. So Cameron Crow has one of the most extraordinary lives. He grew up in San Diego. And as a young kid, he started writing for the local free newspaper. And he asked him if he could, he started getting to music.

So long story short. At 15 years old, he's getting published in Rolling Stone magazine, and he's in the hotel rooms at the Hyatt on Sunset, which was called The Riot, because of all the rock bands and the decadence in that hotel. And he depicted a lot of this in his film, almost famous. But this book has, I'm listening to Him Read It, has, and he gets, like, choked up at different times. it's a good read. And anyway, I highly recommend it, especially like.

So he's touring with Led Zeppelin and the Allman Brothers? And he's 15 and 16 years old. Was he talking about getting laid and doing drugs? Yes. Wow. And not doing both of those for a big part of it. Because his mom is exactly like she was depicted so well and almost famous. Yeah.

But just all these stories, they're incredible. And like Greg Allman freaking out on him. And then bring your bag of tapes. And then like he just got, he did so much Coke. He got so paranoid. And he thought, you might be the FBI. And he demanded his ID. And then he saw on the kid's ID that he was 16.

And he freaked out on him and then took all the tapes from all the interviews he had done for a cover story. for Rolling Stone. Anyway, I have not blown that story, believe it or not. Have you gotten to the part where he goes undercover in a high school when he's 21 years old? No, that's what I want to do. So he graduated high school really young also. His mom had him take summer classes every year. So then he pitched a story, I haven't gotten there yet, where he goes, I want to write about the California high school experience. And he goes back to high school undercover and writes Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That must have been,

apparently the principal was the only person in the entire school that knew that he was undercover. And that all those stories and all those characters are based on real things. It's incredible. Yeah. What a life. And then he marries Ann Wilson from Hart.

Yeah. Or is it Nancy Wilson? Nancy, I don't even know. I mean, I'm not there yet. But yeah, I forget. I always mix it up. And I wonder if they're still married. But the uncool is from Lester Bangs, who he worshipped another the rock critic of the time.

But that's the scene and almost famous where they're on the phone. And he's like, we're not cool, man. He's like, you know, and basically kind of convinced him not being cool is cool, especially in this world. Bill of Seymour Hoffman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great. in it. Yeah. So updates on the roast. Who do we have confirmed as a roaster at this point? Or is that still under wraps? Not allowed to talk about it because I don't know what's public. There has not been a press release with the people on the dais.

Well, I'll tell you this. We know that Jeff Ross is a part of it. Yes, you can count on that. I mean, he's not keeping a quiet. Every club I go to in L.A. He's out there with. with pages and pages of roast jokes, trying the jokes out on the audience. Right. I'm glad he is. So am I. So is the audience. The audience loves it.

Today is Saturday. He's in Vegas at a, I think it's a UFC fight. And he's doing some, he's trying material out there. And I think Kevin Hart's there as well. It's some big event in Vegas. I forget what it is. Yeah. Did you see Joe Rogan was at the White House standing behind Trump

while he signed some Robert F. Kennedy regulations in. Oh, man. Okay. Robert F. Kennedy, well, you have him in the news here. We're going to tease that story. That's coming up soon. Also, today is 419. Tomorrow's 420. We're going to go get baked somewhere? Celebrate Hitler's birth?

Hey, now. Hi. How come people never said, hi, Hitler? It just seems like it would have been more casual. Would have made him seem less like a monster. Hi, Hitler. Then Heil? Yeah, just hi Hitler. Heil's pretty mellow, too.

It's very soft-sounding. We just got kicked off the algorithm. Oh, boy. It took us 12 minutes. Does that really kick you off? Oh, hell yeah. Shit, yeah. Okay.

I don't understand the algorithm. them. Well, you know, they're concerned about anti-Semitic language. It doesn't get any more than that. I mean, maybe it'll detect that I didn't have the L at the end of it and we'll get away with it. Maybe it was when you said Joe Rogan was standing behind Trump. Maybe that's what kicked us off. Yeah. So, yeah, 420s coming up, which it is always funny because I'm not a pot smoker, but I do feel this pressure to smoke some pot on 420. Do you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I usually try to. I'm trying to see. What do I got on my calendar for 420? I got Jimmy Pardo's pot. Oh, hey, you want to do something fun on 420? Well, at night, I'm working every day. At night, we got, there's a radio show called The Woody Show, which is broadcast all over the country. It's huge.

It's so huge. They rented out Disneyland on Monday night, and it's for all of their listeners and friends to go to Disneyland from 8 o'clock until one in the morning. All the rides are open, and you just run around the park for free. Wow. Yeah. That's impressive. You want to do that and smoke pot? From Hollywood, oh, my God, to Disneyland?

I don't know. What is that, a two-hour commute? I don't know. Probably 30 miles. Yeah. Yeah, that is a little rough. I'll think about it. I'll think about it.

That's a fun 420. Yeah. I got five tickets. And then... Oh, so Disney was anti-Semitic, so it's all keeping in theme. Oh, that's right. He was a little non-lover of the Jews.

What's that how he phrase it? Speaking of Hitler, man, we're going to crinkle paper. I just found paper in here. It's in my closet. And it was behind. something and it is a it's Amsterdam it's a map of Amsterdam

oh perfect with the Dan Franks house right on the map there so that's what we're going to crinkle with it all comes together perfect I also want to talk oh and I'm doing Benson interrupted on 421 which is Doug Benson's podcast

where everybody the back the green room for that show is filled with bongs and weed and edibles and people are encouraged to imbi before the show. All right. Have you seen it? It's like you watch a movie and you make comments about it as you go.

No. Yeah, it's really fun. Wasn't it like get high with Doug or something like that? That's a different one. Getting High with Doug. Oh, all right. No, that was called Getting Doug with High. Oh.

Also, before we get into it, I just want to say, I, you know, it's random what songs you listen to. Sometimes you'll watch a TikTok video and it'll have a song on it. Then you go, oh, I haven't listened to that album in a long time. So I threw on Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette. Holy shit. What a fucking powerful. You forget how great that album is.

Yeah, I haven't listened to it. Well, no one, it's like no one listens. wonder if my girls, well, I bet they have with Olivia has a Billy Elish and, and others, but, and maybe with Taylor Swift, they're listening beginning to end in order albums, but it's, it's getting more rare. Well, that's why I got Jojo a boom box about five or six years ago. And I put together a book, you know, sleeves of CDs. This is about 100 CDs.

I picked like my 100 CDs I thought she most should listen to. important ones, you know, Chenate O'Connor and blood on the tracks. And one of them was the one she most responded to was Jagged Little Pill. She fucking loved, which made me realize she's going to break up with a lot of guys in her day. This is a boombox that plays CDs. Yes. All right. I love it.

Yeah. All right. Let's get into it. Let's do it. Here we go. Amsterdam. Here we go. All right.

Today's logo, today's logo is from Bruce. It is, I think, playing off the whole Trump. Yes. Being Jesus. Yes. It's you as Jesus. Well, that was, that was Da Vinci, was it? Yeah.

The Sistine Chapel. Yeah, but what was that? painting called the um yeah i know uh i just actually saw like a quiz uh that came across my feed and i failed that one i forgot the name of it davinci i could i could look it up on my phone if you didn't yell at me you'll touching christ 16 chapel painting name just come on the baptism of christ no that's not it is it the baptism of christ i guess it was everyone can listen to the this. You think they should.

No, that's not it. Oh, what was it called? Christ on the ceiling. No, it's not. No, it's not. All right. And I give a shout out to Jeff Snyder for the song. Fantastic.

Fucking loved it. The creation of Adam. Really? Yeah, because it's depicting the Genesis. That's not it. You're wrong. Oh, okay. Corrections. Speaking of correcting Mike, he stated that the aliens would be watching us fly to the moon still using fossil fuel. In fact, the rockets used in the Artemis Mission do not use fossil fuels. The Artemis Mission's rocket primarily burns liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen in its core stage and upper stage engines. Happy birthday, Mike, from Larry Z.

Oh, wow. Very cute. Very nice. You're right. I guess as I was, as I stated, I was trying to differentiate it from like non-fuel. Like, it's weird. I don't know if magnets can be considered a fuel. But like, you know, our old, these old ways of fueling engines, even our engines being old school and primitive. Yeah. Then somebody said, Mikey, the Yankee, the Yankee Clipper was just. DiMaggio. Mickey Mantle's nickname was the Mick or the Commerce Comet. A lot of people quite upset about that. Yeah, very upset about that. And you call yourself a big Yankees fan.

That was kind of unspegivocal. And then, of course, on YouTube, I further provoked them saying, I'm sorry, I meant the splendid splinter, which is Ted Williams. Ah. And then Levi Scott. Jesus Christ, you guys had trouble this Sunday. I mentioned the Joe DiMaggio thing. Yeah.

And then later you insisted Walter Cronkite uttered the line, A Day that will live in infamy about Pearl Harbor. Mike corrected and said it was FDR. But I think we auto-corrected that one, didn't we? What do you mean, auto-correct? Didn't we do it at the time? Didn't we catch it at the time? Oh, that's auto-corrected.

Yeah, I did. No, he said that. He said Mike corrected you and said it was F-Craught. So I guess they're just pointing out that in the moment. I made a mistake. I don't know. And I believe it's a date that will live in infamy, I think. Maybe somebody can correct whether or not it was Anne Wilson or Nancy Wilson from heart that married Cameron Crow.

Toward dates. No need. I'm going to look it up on my phone as you list this rather growing list. You're now into 2027 with this list. Go for it. Escondido, the Grand Comedy Club, April 24th and 25th. Fun Room. Brea at the Improv on May 8th.

Very excited about this date. I'm coming to Boston, the place I started, at the Laugh Boston Comedy Club, May 29th and 30th. You can see my buddy John Tobin. We're going to sell out shows. Get your tickets right away. Then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th. Agunquit, Maine at Jonathan's on June 6th. Then we got dates coming up in St. Pete's, Cincinnati, Columbus, La Jolla, go to fitsdog.com, get some tickets, come out, see some live comedy.

Also want to give a shout out to Gotham Productions, who produces our show, edits it, post it, clips it. They do it all. They do an amazing job if you're looking for any podcasting support. Get in touch with us. We'll put you in touch with them. All right. All right. So it was Nancy Wilson, right? I literally Googled Cameron Crow wife, Nancy Wilson. It says to present. And then I scroll down to the first story.

And the headline was Cameron Crow, 67, welcomes third baby, his first with girlfriend. So here's a picture of him with his girlfriend. Do you think he snuck into a high school and picked somebody up? The Jerry McGuire director, 67, welcomed his third. baby and first with girlfriend, Anae Smith. The new mom, 40,

share the happy news along with photos of their baby girl. This is November 10th, 2024, I believe. Yes. I got to tell you, 40-year-old women having babies these days is a dangerous proposition. With microwaves and PCBs,

you got to be. be real careful at 40. Nancy Wilson filed for divorce. It will not give, it says September. I don't even know what you are. I imagine. Well, that's very sad news. She was, by the way. Oh, I think 2010. I was kind of obsessed with Hart when I was a teenager. I saw them live in concert three times. One of the times at Pier 86 in New York.

Did you ever go to that venue? Yes. outdoor venue right on right on the Hudson River it was fucking great sun would be setting in a summertime show drinking warm beer

this is before they checked you snuck in about six beers in different parts of your body I just saw by the way so Cameron Crowe got divorced I'm Nancy Wilson in 2010 I just saw an ad come across my feed I don't golf enough to know this

but I guess sneaking drinks on the golf course is a very big sport in itself? Yeah. Right? Like you have to hide them, but they, sometimes the starter checks your bags and all this. These are things. So you know the big jugs that you use that have a grass seed in them that you use to fill in your divots?

Yes. They have those made, you just loaded with drinks. It holds like eight shot glasses and those things. And they're magnets that click onto your card. And anyway, it's ingenious. A lot of time is being spent on enabling the sneaking of alcohol. I love it. You know, it's a very big thing these days to start to take weight loss more seriously.

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No. I took riddle it this morning. I was dragging and I said I can't let. I'm not letting my partner Mike Gibbons down. Not the week of his birthday. I won't do it. Way to stymie my segue in a miracle made sheets. Oh, sorry.

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Let's get into it. Less than 30 minutes, and we're getting to the first story. crinkling all the canals in Amsterdam. Look at this one. A popular dispensary, pot dispensary in Leadville, Colorado caught on fire, forcing an air quality alert for residents in the immediate area. Around 9 a.m. Thursday, the Lake County Sheriff's Office said it had responded to a fire. Based on photos, they shared, Floyd's of Leadville was on fire. nearby homes were evacuated. A community alert was sent about air quality concern within a half mile of the fire.

The public health agency said residents should stay inside or wear an N95 mask outside or a bomb. To trap it. Or just strap a bong to your face. Lake County Elementary School, which is about 0.3 miles away, has canceled all outdoor activities. Something tells me truancy was up a little bit that day at Lake County Elementary School. They should have waited until 420 for this fire. Come on now. Exactly. I do think Lake County, can you imagine the fucking output at the Lake County Elementary School art class that day? The teacher would be like, Jesse, you are inspired, three-dimensional 19 colored figure of the Eiffel Tower.

7-Eleven sold out of hot dogs immediately. Of course. All the dogs in the town are like, because the owners are just getting on the floor wanting to play with their dogs. Like, what is? It's the best day ever in that town. Oh, my God. And that day, the largest volunteer fire department in the country was founded.

This is like the opposite of 9-11. Yeah, kind of. Although I bet everybody crashed early afternoon. Right. And apparently there were no Jews in Colorado that day or any day. Is that what it is? Again, 420. A lot of babies born nine months from now. I think they should check that. I think they should look nine months from now in whatever this town, Lake County, Colorado and see if births are spiked. They might have been, there might have been to Zen now.

two stone. Do you have more or less sex while you're high? Well, it's obviously better. Yeah. I mean, that's just a fact. I mean, it's a fact that, sorry, I'm killing bugs. It's a, I mean, I think it's just a fact that it heightens some senses, physical senses. Yep.

So in that way, it's better. Right. Maybe you're less present and one could argue, like some. nerd could argue you have to be present during sex, whatever. Present. What is this, Christmas? I'm doing it to suck my dick. Get away.

Jesus, okay. Speaking of suck my dick, Caitlin Jenner appeared on a Fox Nation podcast, Broker Silence about, due to Donald Trump's anti-trans executive orders, her passport now says she's male, curtailing her ability to try. travel, but she assured Fox listeners that she still loves the president. Oh, great. Well, she's

going to miss it. She enjoys flying to other countries and then, you know, transitioning into their culture. Yeah. Hopefully this means she can't vote. Did you freeze or was that a really bad joke? No, you froze during it. They probably, for me, at home, they probably are still dying, laughing. All right. What was your joke? hopefully she can't vote and it's not really a joke I'm being serious like everything has to match

like married women who now have to prove that it's their maiden name which is such an odd antiquated statement phrase but their maiden name has to identify them that gets a little

complicated with old Caitlin I know my wife in fact the law would force her to dead name herself. Right. Yeah. You know, she grew up in Tari Town, New York, my town. She holds all the records in the high school, swimming, running. There was a Chappaqua connection as well. Yeah, then she moved to Chappaqua after that. Might not have been the high school. Might have been like the middle school. She held all the records. Anyway, I guess people are going

to miss watching her go through TSA and get that pat down, just to just to see the look on the agent's face when she puts her hand on that saggy cock that's crawling down her leg. Okay. Did she get it removed? Do we know? I don't think so. I could be wrong. But all right, you're a TSA agent, right?

Caitlin Jenner comes through. You're the guy there. The bell goes off. So like when I go through and it goes off and they need to pat down around my belt or behind my hat even. and it's a woman, they have, I have to wait, even though it's male assist, they say male assist. Male assist.

Even if it's like my hat, I'm like, you can touch the back of my head. They can't, right? It's heavily regulated and very clearly stated what, what can be done. Caitlin Jenner comes through, dings. The male agent has to, the male TSA agent has to go female assist, woman comes over, and now she feels a penis. I mean, is that just a layup lawsuit? I know, it is.

It is. I mean, if I was al-Qaeda, and I'm not saying I'm not. I mean, for the TSA agent, it would sue. Yeah, go ahead. I would get trans women who still have penises to go through airport security because they're just going to go, fuck it, let them through. We don't want to get involved. and that cock is made out of TNT.

That's the plan? Well, it feels like mine is sometimes, and I think that would be a great porn movie. All right. Just blowing a woman across. Yeah. All right. Listen,

why don't you read this next story? Two years ago, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. suggested that black children prescribed depression or ADHD medication should be, quote, reparented. When confronted with that statement on Thursday by Representative Terry Sewell, a black Democrat from Alabama, he denied ever saying it. Quote, in a 2024 podcast interview,

you suggested that black children on ADHD medication should be reparented. You said every black kid is now just standard, put on adderol, SSRIs, benzos, which are known to. induce violence and that those children are going to have to go somewhere to get reparented. Have you ever reparented or parented a black child? RFK Jr. immediately went on the defensive. I doubt that I said that phrase. No, not going to answer something I didn't say. You absolutely said it. I'd like to hear the recording. Kennedy is completely wrong here and he said what Seawall is accusing him of saying nearly verbatim and then here's the recording and they played it.

I cut it out, but they play the recording and it was exactly word for word when he hits it. Do politicians not realize that a lot of what they say is put on these things called recordings and videos? Or that someone's not going to quote you unless they have the receipts? Right, right, right. And by the way, are black kids taking more ADHD medication than white kids? Do they need to get reparented? I find that hard to believe.

Yes. Well, I'm on ADD, but here's the thing. I agree with them. I think I mean, I think I should be reparented. I think I also think you should. We're 59 and 60 years old. Isn't it a little late? If not now, when?

No, we could use it. We have a whole third act. We have to, and probably the hardest one. That's true. That's true. Well, as my mother does listen to this podcast, I will say from my heart, I would never want to be reparented. She would like to reparent you. I bet.

She would like to rechild me, I think, more than I would like to reparent her. I mean, you wouldn't want, oh, my God, I would do so many things differently. Like, I'm feeling like now I know why grandparents often are so good or like my mom was such a great grandparent. It was her second shot at parenting. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? Like, I would be so much more present with my kids if I had, if I could do it again. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is so easy to say, but I really would try. So, and by the way, is this a better, is this, here's a. Here's another scenario for kids that would you think that this child should be reparented. The father, during his marriage to his wife, was accused of compulsive infidelity, reports suggesting she felt used up and tossed away and then committed suicide because of it. Is that better than being on some OCD medications? That's RFK.

Because that's his kids. That was him. He was the father. Jesus. She committed suicide? Yeah, 2012. Wow. Yeah.

Yep. It's so funny. That would normally be top of someone's list. Like, hey, that's kind of a blemish on his record. Like, it's so far down the list. And by the way, maybe should the kids take the drugs he took as a child? Heroin, cocaine, ludes. He was in fucking rehab for all of those.

things. Maybe he's identifying as a little black kid now and he is asking indirectly to be reparented. Yes, yes. He is sort of in blackface with that tan that he's always working on. He's definitely in brown face. I love this next story. All right. Why don't you read it? Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth quoted the fake Bible verse from Samuel L. Jackson, Samuel L. Jackson monologue as Jules Winfield in Tarantino's Pulp Fiction, apparently believing it was completely real. The moment came, it is such, they haven't even Cage fought on the White House lawn,

which will just be the, just the, like, dessert on this shitcake administration. But like this stuff is going on, it's just such a clown show. The moment came at one of Hegsseth's Pentagon's sermons on Wednesday morning. They call it CSAR 2517, which I think is meant to reflect Ezekiel 2517, Hegset erroneously said, saying the lead planner of the combat search and rescue operation in Iran shared it with him. So the prayer is Caesar 2517, and it reads, the path of the downed aviators beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

Blessed is he who, in the name of camaraderie and duty, shepherd the loss through the Valley of Darkness. Come on, read it like Samuel Jackson read it. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children, and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to capture and destroy my brother. And you will know my call sign is Sandy One when I lay my vengeance upon me. Yes. Yes. Ben Higgsath told a military story about a soldier carrying a watch up his ass for five years, young man, and dying of dysentery. This uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass.

And then he asked AOC to take her shoes off and call Clarence Thomas the N-word. It was a Tarantino day. Oh, he really got into it. What an idiot. Well, the thing is about these guys is they have co-opted the Christian vote without really being Christians. You know, I mean, when a reporter asked Trump, which of the books of the Bible is his favorite, he he literally sat there silent stumped and then he goes I don't really want to talk about it and they go well you must have one and he goes I like them all oh it's so hard to pick one

when you read them every day it's so hard to pick one all right let's do an ethical question I believe it's your turn my friend all right you can choose whichever one you like that's a pretty good batch it's a pretty good batch my husband's illness has me feeling trapped. Do I have to stay? In sickness and in health? I mean, that's the thing, right? Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that's an act of grace. And our friend Lisa Zimbel, her father, Ken, who is one of my favorite human beings in the world,

his wife got dementia and was laid up for years. That dude, she didn't even know who was in the room. And he was at her fucking bedside every single day for years. And it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And, you know, if you really love somebody that much, like when I think about me and Aaron talk about it all the time, you know, like, I don't think she believes I would take care of her as well when she was sick. But I would think of it as a way of showing how much you loved them, you know?

Yeah. Wow, I'm reading the description. So he, they've been married for decades. He's diagnosed with a progressive disease that affects his mobility. Now mostly housebound. I guess he can still drive barely. Blah, blah, blah. Still functioning, but it has been a sad, stressful, and difficult time for me to watch

his decline. Yes, I'm sure it's hard on you also. It's also lonely. I feel I no longer have a partner to enjoy activities with. But right now I feel like a shut-in with my husband. We don't go anywhere or do anything because it's too difficult. Some friends remain, but others have drifted away. I'm in good health and have been active.

If I left my husband, I would have a more peaceful, less stressful life with more independence and less responsibility. It seems like living single again would be an immense relief and I would probably be happier. I would like to do it, but I don't feel more. morally that I could to walk out on him now seems selfish, but I have healthy, seems, but I have healthy years ahead. It's my life and I wish to enjoy what's left. I mean, what's the bar? What's the bar? What if your spouse just gets forgetful? What if they get a little crankier? What if they can't do as much physical stuff? What's the, what's the line that, what's the 38th parallel where you get up

and leave them on their own in a worse condition. I wonder also, like, if you did, if you tested this and you polled. And I wonder, like, let's say the percentages, I'm making, 60% say you have the right to leave, right? And 40% say, how dare you? I wonder if you switched it. And it was a husband asking this about the woman. I bet those percentages would change. Did you know that the orchestra leader of the Warsaw Symphony conducts a lot of polls?

I just made that up. It kind of conducts a lot of polls? He's a conductor. And the musicians are all polls. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, I got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Great joke.

Thank you. I wish the connection went out there. Are you wanted another one? Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll take another one. my long time housekeeper's work is slipping. What should I do? Well, we've had a woman that we've worked with. She was a, she was a part-time nanny for our kids. And then as our kids grew up, she transitioned into being our housekeeper. She is among the worst housekeepers in the

history of Guatemala. She comes in and breaks like she brings, like she brings. two different giant wall mirrors, knock them off the wall and smash them. She takes the vacuum and she beats the legs of the furniture with the vacuum. They're all chipped. She fucking misplaces things.

It's awful. But what are you going to do? Especially now, like with the ice situation, you know, it's hard to get work and there's no way we can get rid of her. Oh, yeah. And her daughter robbed us. Oh my God, that one still?

Yep. She would babysit for us. And then we recommended her to a couple friends. And they both called us and said, we think she stole from us. So we planted money in the house in hidden places and went out for the night. And when we came back, all the money was gone. Wow. That's 15 years ago or something.

Yeah. And we never told the mother. We never told our housekeeper that happened. She couldn't hear you over all the breaking glass anyway. All right, here's the last one. Is it okay to lie in order to feed hungry families? I think a better question, is it okay to lie and tell everyone you know that you feed hungry families? That's what I do.

Exactly. Every Sunday, I'm at that soup kitchen. Oh, the kitchen. I got to redo my budget, but one number is not changing how much I give to hungry families. from the picket line. I give to hungry families every time I cook for my family. That's exactly right. That's a good way to spin it.

All right. Let's make America, Florida. Here we go. Here we go. All right. A 53-year-old Key Westman was arrested on DUI and drug charges after deputies say he crashed an e-bike into a tricycle while intoxicated. According to the Monroe County Sheriff's Office, the crash happened around 10, 26 p.m., way earlier than I would have guessed.

Well, that's pretty late for Florida, though. You got to remember, he went to dinner at 4.30 p.m. Investigators said he was riding an e-bike when he collided with an adult riding a tricycle. The other rider told deputies that he ran into him and appeared to be intoxicated. deputy said Saturday that the guy was taken into custody after failing field sobriety exercises at the scene he faces charges of driving under the influence possession of marijuana possession of drug paraphernalia and get this one smuggling contraband into a detention facility so i'm like what is that about so while he was being booked authorities said approximately three marijuana cigarettes were found in his in his possession leading to an additional charge but like isn't that just on him when you're arresting

him. That's on the cops. Unless he slid them up his ass. Right. No, no. I think they were like in his pocket. I think I did find that out. But also, I want to know more about the adult on the tricycle. That's the story here. If you're in Key West on a tricycle, I think that was the verse of wasting away again at Margaritaville that he didn't get to. He did that one during the live shows. It was right after he blew out his flip-flop? Yeah, yeah. He blew out his front tire on his tricycle in the next verse.

All right. If I'm a cop on the scene, right, and I get there, and I'm seeing this inebriated guy, his bike's on the ground, and he clearly is affected by substances. I start dealing with him. And then I'm like, so wait a minute. How did you crash? He's like, well, I crashed into him. I'm like, who's him?

And he's like that. And he points to an adult on a tricycle. I'm like, you can go, sir. I've got much bigger fish to fry over here. I mean, that's what's happening. The guy's got a bib on. He's got a little fucking sucky thing in his mouth. I'm pretty sure this is alcohol and maybe weed.

I've got to explore what's going on over here, though, because it's more than that. Yeah, and the guy's definitely got a diaper on. I mean, that's all, that's the guy's only defense. I hit an adult on a tricycle. Like, that's all, I rest my case. That's it. You got a glory. Can the witness approach the bench?

Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, pedal, pedal. Well, that's a good story of prison, too. What are you in for? It's like, that's the, that's the psycho. That's not the one who, like, smuggled women across state lines. Oh, my God. Speaking of prison, speaking of prison, did you see the Alabama, prison movie, the documentary that won the Oscar this year?

No, I heard it's great. Holy shit. It is, the prisons in Alabama are being run by abusive, racist men that have absolutely no checks and balances. They're policed by themselves. They basically don't give parole to anybody, because they are working them all. They rent them out at $30 an hour to local businesses,

agriculture, fucking the aquarium has guys working there in jumpsuits that say state prison on the back. They are renting out thousands of inmates and they pay them $2 an hour. So no one's getting parole. And on the inside, they're getting beaten to death.

It's fucking crazy. Sounds nice light, light viewing. Yeah. I will say that. Everyone struggles with, what am I going to watch? I just finished a series. What should I watch now? Whenever you're stumped, and I have to take my own advice, whenever you're stumped,

just go look at the nominated films for Best Documentary and just pick one. Yeah. There are really so many times, I've been like, of course this is good. I mean, not that the Academy always gets it right, but very often in those five or seven nominees are mind-blowing. documentaries. Yeah, there was one we watched last night. It was called Who Is Samuel Baitman? It's about the Church of Latter-day Saints. And there was a cult that this dude was running with teenage girls and the families would give their daughters to this cult leader. And then he would have sex with the daughters in front of the parents and then make the parents have sex with other people in

front of their daughters, 11, 12, 13 years old. It's so sick and disturbing. I highly recommend it. Well, I already told you. I mean, if Joe Namath, it was a cult. That's why I'm still a Jets fan. I'd give up my daughters to Joe Namath. You're, we want to give up your mom. I want to give up your sister wants to give up your mom. We all want to give our ladies and women to Joe Namath. Okay, let's make America Philly again. Okay, this is elegantly written. Not by me. A man wanted a hot dog. So we went to Wawa at night to get one. And when there wasn't one, he tried again at a different Wawa the next night and the next and the next. Always unlucky for eight straight days. So he started posting updates on Reddit and he would show the empty hot dog cases.

And I guess this became a thing in Philly. Day one, no hot dogs. Two no hot dogs. Day three, no hot dogs. I will never give up, he wrote, after day three. By day five, the man had snapped. This is now five wawas. That means this wawa is an organizational problem. Make some fucking hot dogs. It's not that complex. He wrote on that day's update.

And then the thesis, I don't care about eating hot dogs. I just want wawa to not suck anymore. And this wasn't just a one-off. It was seven nights, different wawas. all the same result. Then day eight, it finally happened, the glorious smorgasbord of dogs, a full case, Frankfurt and Academy around 10.30 p.m., victory. So it's a nice little Philly story about Wawa Hot Dogs. Well, it's a qualified victory because it was 1030 p.m., which means the dogs had been put on the rotissary around 7.30 that morning. So, victory. Oh, he's no longer with us.

But this was a nice way to go out. Yeah. I mean, if you're in Philly, you go get a cheese steak. If you want to pollute your bowels, you get a cheese steak from Gino's. Oh, boy, here come the letters, right? What's the one caddy corner or whatever? I've never been. Aren't they across the street from each other?

The rivals? Yeah, yeah, there's two across the street. Me and Owen were in Philly, and we got, we each got one from each place and then switched them up. Not that good. It's a tourist trap. I'm telling you, this is the plant. We open a hot dog stand across from Pinks. We start that.

Oh, I like that. And 60 years from now, they'll be like, that one's been here 60 years. The other one's been here 100 years. Who cares? Yeah. And we do it fast. No line in our place. Right.

All right. All right. Now we're going to international. Hold on. Here we go. International. An 18-year-old woman who was escorted out of a nightclub after she was told her wheelchair was a safety risk, has described the ordeal as embarrassing.

Maddie Haining went to a club in Manchester's gay village. So not only crippled on Saturday with a friend, but within five minutes of entering was asked by a bar manager to leave. She posted a clip on Instagram. It's not okay to be removed from bars because you were disabled and different to other people. If they can be here, then why shouldn't we? She was...

Because you're a bummer. Go ahead. She said security staff helped lift her wheelchair into the venue and initially told her and her friend there was no problem. Look, it's not because she was disabled, because she wasn't fit, isn't it? Well, first of all, it's weird. Okay, they have to lift her into the club while saying there's no problem.

There's already a problem. Yeah. This is not accessible for you. Were they afraid she was going to get hit by a falling dart? It was Andy Cap throwing darts that night? They didn't want her drinking and driving the wheelchair. It was for her own protection. It would have been a whole scene in the ladies' room, I'm sure.

Well, that brings up a pretty good question. If the guy in Key West got arrested for drunkenly driving an e-bike, can you be arrested for drunkenly driving an electric wheelchair? It's the same vehicle. Yeah, I looked up the Florida law in that story, and they treat, while you don't need a license or anything like that, they treat electric bikes and bicycles the same under DUI rules and maybe traffic rules.

Yeah, I think they should treat wheelchairs also. But by the way, you know how many people take a bike? Like I did. I rented, you know, I did the street bike thing going home from your birthday party. You did? I took one to your house and I was shocked. It was still there where I parked it when I came out. Which was six hours later.

And I was hammered. I almost took a digger on that intersection by Gold Gym. I made a big sweeping left because it was fun. And they don't lean as well. as I thought they do. Yeah. And I almost took a big digger. Well, tell the story.

Well, it's called a Degro now, actually. Did you tell the story about getting pulled over while riding your bicycle to my house that time? Oh, yeah. I was coming down. And anyway, all of a sudden cops light up. And I move over because clearly he's pulling over a car near me. And then he starts yelling, no, you. I'm like, me.

so I pull over and he's like you know you didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign which yeah I'm like yeah same as in my car coming to a complete stop is insane like a total stop is insane that's the only drag about Waymo's waymo's come to a complete stop anyway the guy I have a little bit I'm trying not to have an attitude but then he goes um he goes yeah so listen I'm just going to But you're leaving out the best part. You were wearing a bright green vest while driving your bicycle. Right. But he goes, so I'm just going to give you, I don't know if he said like a warning for that going through the stop sign.

And I go, and meanwhile, I had kind of been given mad to it. So I was surprised. I'm like, oh, thanks. I didn't think I was getting out of here with just a warning. He's like, oh, you're not. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, I notice you don't have the rear or the front white reflector. And now it's like talking to a child about their bicycle.

And I'm like, the white front reflector. And he's like, yeah. And he goes, so that's a repairable. So now he's making it sound good. And as you're said, I am wearing, because I just grabbed the windbreaker that I had, which is day glow. It's day glow. Like, it's unbelievable. And it's light.

This is daytime. And a helmet. I did have a helmet on. So he goes, it's a repairable. I forget the phrase. It's a repairable offense, which is good news because all you have to do is show that you've remedied the situation and put a reflector on and then you're not charged. Well, he knew what he was doing. I then had to get a reflector and take it to a police station and only a few do these checks where you are proving to them.

You've changed something about your vehicle. And you can't just walk in or if you want to. walk in, it could be hours. I wanted to kill the guy. Meanwhile, 11 teenagers went by on those, you know, those little motorcycles they ride now and they terrorize people on the street? No headlights, no reflectors, no helmets. I saw a video of, you know, the kids that they do this move where they go towards an oncoming car on their bicycle, even the, the non, it's actually the non-motorized one. It's a little BMX bikes. And they do a move. I'm sure there's a name for it where they pull a wheelie and they're going right for the, you know, the light, the headlight in front of

the driver. And they swerve and the idea is how far under the car while the car is coming and moving towards them can they get their back wheel as they pull out and miss the car, right? So anyway, there was a video that came and the kid did it and misjudged and the car hit him. And every comment was finally, yay, yay, thank God. Every comment loved it. Every single one. I mean, what is that behavior? Do you think it's the fact that college costs a half a million dollars and you get out and there's no jobs and your parents don't have a job?

Like, kids just don't give a shit. There's no future. This is like the clash in the, in the 1970s, you know? Yeah. More like sex pistols with no future. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we are moving down to this day in history, fella. All right, it's time.

It's not good. It's not good. I'm going to tell you right now, I struggled. I struggled with it. But let's see, let's see what we got. Navin Field, you've never heard of it. But you did when they changed its name with Tiger Stadium in Detroit. And Fenway Park in Boston officially opened on this day and both hosted their first professional baseball games.

Tiger Stadium then closed in 99, leaving Fenway as the oldest baseball stadium in Major League Baseball. What year did these two stadiums open, give or take, 15 years? 1925. You did it, Greg. 1912. Oh, not bad. You did the math because you didn't believe me, huh? I thought it was actually, I thought I remembered Fenway having its 100th anniversary more recently than that.

But yeah. Let's keep this question and set up short. QE2, Queen Elizabeth, who died three, four years ago, almost. What year was she born, give or take five years? She died when last year? She was a hundred. She died famously. I think she was 100.

So let's say she was born in 1925. She was born in 1926. Nice. You did that. That was very good. That was very good deductive reasoning. Probably inductive. Don't write and correct me.

Columbine High School happened. You know what I mean. That's all I'd say. I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave out the word, but Columbine High School, something happened that we all know about. What year was that, give or take three years? All right. I remember being, I was in a hotel room doing a college show that night.

And I'm sitting in the motel, motel. And because I'm just starting out, it was a fucking fleabag motel. And I'm crying on the bed because there were no school shootings. This was the first one. It was so foreign that nowadays it happens and it's like page six. And so they called me up and I go, are we doing this show? And they're like, yeah, I think we should do the show. I think it'll be good for the kids.

So I go down and before I go on stage, only about 15 kids show up. And the campus administration woman goes on stage to introduce me and she goes, before we get started, I think we should have a moment of silence for the students that were massaccompliant. And the whole place breaks out crying. And then she introduces me. Perfect. So I was, if it was. And then there was a bombing in the club.

I would say about 98 was at the point of my career I was. It was, you got it. It was 99. There we go. All right, this is interesting. This is interesting. Yeah. May West.

I did not know this story about her. She was sentenced to several days in jail convicted of corrupting the morals of youth with her portrayal of a prostitute in the Broadway play, sex, which she also wrote. And the incident made her famous across the United States. So, Mae West was sentenced to jail on this day for her play in what year, give her take of 10 years. I don't really care about the date. I just thought that story was interesting. Why is there no biopic about her? She was a fucking badass.

Yeah. Sounds like a 50s thing, so I'll just say 55. Good for you. 1927. No way. Whoa. Waco. Waco, after a 51-day standoff with U.S. federal agents,

some 80 members of the millennialist branchedivian religious group died in a fire at their compound near Waco, Texas. What year was the Waco incident, give or take, five years? Well, I know it led to Timothy McVeigh. So it was a long time ago. Waco was, I'm going to say, 94. You kid, 93. There we go.

All right. We're going to end on the world's first acid trip. On this day, a few days after he accidentally, discovered LSD's effects, Albert Hoffman intentionally ingested the drug at his laboratory in Switzerland. About 40 minutes later, feeling restless and unable to speak clearly, he called it a day and rode on his bike, bad move, bad move. You could still be arrested on the bike.

He wrote on his bike home. What proved to be the world's first acid trip came to be celebrated, beginning in the 1980s, that's when they started celebrating it as bicycle day. What year do you think this first acid trip took place, give or take 10 years? All right. So obviously it took off in the late 50s in this country. So let's say 47. Man, you, this is your best this day in history ever, 43. No way! Yeah. I missed one by a lot. and I got the other four or five by slim margins. Pretty close on all of them.

Yeah. All right. Good day. All right. Let's go. There is no obituary. That's the good news, people. Let's go to the funnies.

Nobody died. No one we care about. Oh, God. The comedy captioned contest. We do week in and week out, and except for the weeks, we forget to. I give you one frame of a comic. You then write punchlines. You send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

We pick some of our. faves, read them out, and then vote. The winner gets, in theory, a coozy sent directly to their house. Last week's caption was, a police officer has pulled over a car. In the driver's seat, there is a dog who is sticking his asshole at the cop who is writing a ticket, and the cop seems to be speaking, but either one of them might potentially be speaking here. Willie said, Officer McCluskey is starting to regret his department's new slogan to protect and deworm. Yeah, I think it misses what's going on here. I mean, so we're just dogs are driving.

I mean, that's the world. Come on, Willie. Anthony S says, breathalizer, really? I've only had two hot dogs. No, two in-dog beers. I've only had two in-dog beers. Yeah, so it's like having two in-dog. years.

Oh, God. But it's kind of, I think really, both of them are sort of ignoring some what I'll call more prominent features of the illustration. All right. I think Epstein is a little closer to this. Unfortunately, this gentleman's name is Epstein Woodhouse, unless that's made up. Cops says too old. Cops says too old for me.

Got any puppies? Maybe that is Epstein. It's not about. the business of pulling over and there's a dog. Okay. Well, no, because the dog is trying to get out of the ticket. All right. Yeah.

Chili B says, okay, do you have another form of identification? So far, that's the one I like best. Okay. Willem said, sir, we need to wait a few minutes for my canine partner to come and confirm your identity. Kind of the same joke. Yeah. Tom Keel said,

bitch, I said, Licking my ass would get you out of this ticket. I'm sorry, accent to the wrong word. Licking my ass

would get you out of this ticket. Okay. Woody says, My wife also presents when she gets caught. Only difference, I'll bang you. Oh,

he brought in another element. I mean, they're not getting along that couple. Okay. And then finally, Ron says, usually when we pull a car, when we pull over a car swerving this much, there's a tiger behind the wheel.

I like Ron's. Okay. At least he addressed, there's a dog driving. I like that he did that. I don't think there's a winner, though. Sorry, Ron. I don't think there's a winner. We can't be this lazy people.

Which one did you like? Well, Ron's, what I like about Ron's is that Tiger is perfectly in the zeitgeist for this joke. It's still current. It's still funny. Um, I, I love a, a current event joke that's not tired yet. So I'm going to go with that. Yeah. I would have explored the language that cops use in these situations when they pull over a driver.

Yeah. Again, this is not, this is one that doesn't work. Like I said keep both hands on the wheel. I would find some, something in this situation. And then you take a left turn from there. Right. Okay. That's the kind of comedy Mike Gibbons likes. He's currently the head writer for the roast of Kevin Hart, and he's weeding through.

You're probably reading hundreds of jokes a day at this point as your job. We are. We tend to read them as a room at the end of the day. It puts pressure on the writer. They have to read their own jokes. Oh, I like that. I, you know what I like? I used to write monologue jokes for Bill Maher, and nobody's name was on the joke. So there was no sense of favoritism or anything like that. Absolutely. That's how we do it. In late night, I don't know if that's the case anywhere. So. All right. Next week's comedy caption, we've got a man and a woman, both dressed as clowns and they're sitting on a couch. They are watching TV and he is saying something to her. She's got a red, do I need to describe their clowns? She's got on a clown shirt. Well, they really live as clowns. They have a picture and instead of it being their dog,

It's their balloon dog. And there's balls on the floor. So they are a fully committed clown couple, full time. A clown couple. Okay. Let's get to the pros. Leroy is sitting at a table with Loretta Lockhorn. He's got his eyes closed.

He's got his head on his hand. And then she goes, they say money can't buy happiness. But then how would we ever find out? Give me a shot. at being let down by money. You know, they say that's true that money doesn't buy happiness, but I think they say that there's a break-even point

of like a hundred grand a year that you make where they don't statistically show that you're any happier. But how do you know that? How does a rich, happy person describe how happy they are? Right. Well, sadly, in this country, money buys you health. Yes.

And that's a big part of happiness. Yeah. Then we got Hager. Helga is standing out front. She's got a pair of shoes in her hand, and she's talking to the daughter. She says, Honey, the prince returned your lost slippers.

Since when do you wear flats to a palace ball? And then she looks out the door as the prince is walking away, and he's short. And she goes, since I got a crush on the prince. I think, Mom, why do I wear flats of the ball? Because it helps me escape rape easier. If we were somehow still on the algorithm, there it went. In the home stretch, that's like tripping before the finishing line.

Yeah. We didn't even trip into the tape. Here's the onion. I like this one a lot. It is Live Nation CEO sentenced to 10 years. in online queue. I like it. Yeah, that was a big story this week

as they're trying to go, they're being sued, live nations being sued for gouging people, basically. It's just the most grotesque monopoly known to man. And I should be careful saying this because I work for them.

They own some of the clubs that I work at. They own the venues. They own the venues. They own the ticketing because they own Ticketmaster. And they own all the radio stations that do all the promotions for all of the shows. And I believe they manage people. They did at one point also manage the acts.

So they were commissioning the money they themselves were paying the acts that were being promoted by the radio stations that they owned and getting and dipping their fingers onto the money that people were paying for the tickets as well. It's horrible. It's insane. Government shouldn't let it happen. It's such a monopoly. All right, let's get down to, speaking of a monopoly, Dagwood's got a monopoly on this piece of ass. He's sitting on the couch, feet up, hands in the pockets. He's watching TV. She's got her back to him, thank God.

He says, I wish that show I was binge watching wasn't over after investing so much time into it, you know? What am I supposed to invest all that time and energy into, Now. Oh, boy. She goes, there's always the yard, the garage, and the attic. And he goes, oh, look, it's a spin-off. All right.

What should I invest all that time and energy into now? How about you binge on that sweet blonde crack that's sitting down there getting dust on it? You are literally, you have a Ferrari parked in the garage and you're inside binge-watching Survivor. Well, look at her look. She goes, well, there's always the yard, the garage, and the attic. And she's talking about her vagina, her asshole, in her mouth. Clearly. Get in there.

You got to mow this grass. You got to prune this limb. What does that mean? I don't know, but he should just get in all three. He was just invited. All right. Well, listen, everybody, we're inviting you also to support this podcast in any way you can. One way is to go down there and go to himhems.com slash papers and make sure you put in

our code because it lets them know that you are visiting because of us. Also, go to try miracle.com slash papers for Miracle made sheets. You'll get a big discount on that. And also, I want to remind you guys to check out Alanis Morissette, jagged little pill. Oh, yeah. Good, good for you. Yeah. I got to check it out, I guess. I remember it being just, what do I want to promote?

Having not even seen it, I'm going to watch that Alabama documentary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. How about that? All right, good. Well, thank you guys for listening. We will catch you next week. Have a great 420.

Take it,ish. Take it. There you go. It's Sunday papers time. It's Sunday papers time. Get them, Greg and Mike.