Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 310 4/26/26

Episode Date: April 26, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz Greg is on the road in Southern California and immediately finds himself dealing with a very interactive crowd, including one audience member who overshared in a way nobody was prepared for. From there, Greg and Mike get into Disneyland VIP access, celebrity run-ins, and why John Stamos might be the nicest guy in Hollywood. SPONSOR Miracle Made Sheets Upgrade your sleep with temperature-regulating, bacteria-resistant sheets.https://trymiracle.com/papersUse code PAPERS for 40% off + a FREE 3-piece towel set CONTACT / SUBMISSIONS Send songs, captions, and emails to:[e-mail] This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Local news is in decline across Canada, and this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void. And it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more. journalists in more places across Canada, reporting on the ground from where you live, telling the stories that matter to all of us. Because local news is big news. Choose news, not noise. CBC News. Amazon presents Laura versus fruit flies.

Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen. These little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say yo. chill. But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies. Your baby boom ends here. Save the everyday with Amazon. Sunday paper. All right, where's my energy? Come on, baby. Let's do it. I'm in Escondido. I got none. You're going to carry me today. I got no way. All right. Good, good. Let's do it, baby. Escondido. I'm down here. I'm at the Grand Compto. comedy club I got uh have you been down here escondito area probably where where is it it's sort of like on the way to San Diego and then you take it I mean obviously to the hills yeah

but uh there's a it's a it's very Latino which they're my favorite crowds Latino crowds are the best save good save right there yeah and uh there's a woman in the front row last night And she was pretty hot and she was Mexican. And then she was just one of those people that wanted to be a part of the show. And she goes, why don't you ask Kim what I did to him last night? Like out of nowhere. I'm just like she says it in front of, you know, 250 people. I go, what did she do to you last night?

And he didn't answer. And she goes, I squirted on him five times. And I'm like five. I go, maybe you squirted twice, the other three, you urinated on them. And he was like, were they a new couple? No, they'd been together for 20 years. Wow, keeping it. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe squirting's a new thing for her. I don't know that you suddenly squirt if you didn't before. I think you see a video about squirting and then you take a piss on your husband. No, I think you can I think a big part of it is letting go Because it feels like you're gonna pee How do you know what it feels like? I know these things

If she squirted on me I'd be like alright let me squirt on you now That's a quid pro quo Yeah Nice, yeah Good good good thing to do that on Oh my God And then there was these

I love lesbians There's some of my favorite people in the world we worked for Ellen DeGeneres I just got to keep score you so you love latino lesbians must be top of your list oh god yeah Olivia Rodrigo for sure we just out her so they are not my favorite people in in comedy club audiences however oh yeah and so there was two of them in the front red three of them in the front row last night. I don't know what it is about lesbians, but they feel very empowered to talk to each other and to talk to you. And there's no rules about it. And, uh, and I had to separate them.

I, I separated the lesbian and they agreed to separate. And then they kept talking, but from further away. Well, eventually they'll separate like formally and legally if they ever get married. They're the highest divorce rate. Is that right? And of course there's more, there's a lesbian couple is generally twice as much talking as a heterosexual couple. Oh, for sure. You know? Yeah.

By definition. Yeah. And I think there's something about, like they kept moaning and commenting on every edgy joke. That's the thing I don't love about lesbians is that they are very, the wokenness level is astronomical. Oh my, really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Are you sure that your most, your, your least liked audience member are lesbians?

Or is it just because you're like, shut up, you dyke. And you make them a lesbian with your, with your hate speech. You mean what I represent turns women? Someone tell those dykes in the back to shut the fuck up. All right. So we're off the algorithm. We are five minutes. What got us off?

That word? Well, maybe we're talking about Dutch, Dutch painters. Yeah. Yeah. We're just talking about things you put your fingers in them. Yes. Isn't that funny?

No. That word, I mean, it is just, what are the odds that that is the, that you put your finger in the dyke? Well, you think it's derived from that? What came first? The finger in the dyke or the phrase for lesbians? that's dite you do more talking here i'm gonna i'm gonna look up the derivation of the word okay i'll talk about um shout out to um to uh to uh the woody show it's a it's a radio show in l a but

they're syndicated all around the country it's he's fucking great the whole crew is really great and um uh they invited me to this listener they took over Disneyland on Monday night It was literally the entire California Adventure Park was like thousands of listeners that had won a contest on their radio show. So they invited me and I took Nick and J.C. You know Nick and J.C. Yeah. And then. And Gail.

And so we're driving down there and Aaron and we're driving down there. And I find out that J.C. used to be a tour guide at Disneyland. Like she grew up right near there. So from the time she was 17, and then by the time she was in college, she was giving the VIP, like, celebrity tours. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So she knows the park inside and out. And we're driving down, and I go, all right, what celebrities did you give tours to? She's like, oh, Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, like, everybody. And I said, who was your first? favorite person in the five years you were there. And she goes, John Stamos, without a doubt.

Just the greatest guy, so warm, he came back and, you know, asked for me and whatever. So we get to the park and we're in the VAT. We get access to the VIP Club. So we walk into the VIP Club, which is a bar. They got food and free drinks and walk in. And I grab JC. And I go, look to you. you're right, it's John Stamos.

And I walked up to him and I was like, John, I don't know if you remember, but she was your tour guy. She's like, yes, you took me. He remembered her. Wow. Yeah. What about did you guys chat it up? He knows you.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He came to one of my shows recently. You know, he's upset. Do you know he's obsessed with Disney? Yeah. Apparently he has a giant D from the original. original Disney sign in his backyard. Now we're off the algorithm.

That's a D? A D? Yes, you can see it from the valley. He has it in his yard. He has some of the letters from one of the original Disney signs, I guess. So Jeff Roth, he told me that Jeff Ross saw it in his yard. And he goes, was that your grade in acting class? I did not write that one.

No, no. That was all him. Sweet guy, though. And then the drummer from Green Day. I got to meet that guy. Mike something? I don't know his name. Legendary drummer, apparently.

I didn't know. Oh, very cool. Do you like Green Day? You know, I was the only clash fan that allowed that I did. I mean, I don't think there's any denying that they write hooks, you know? They write incredibly catchy hooks. Oh, our buddy. Oh my God, just because I'm tired, I'm forgetting his name.

Writer, hysterical, big guy, sitcom writer. He hates, it doesn't even matter because people at home don't know who it is. He hates Green Day, and he was on my writing staff, and I would literally occasionally, like, open my laptop, you know, like accidentally people will open their laptop and whatever. Usually you're busted, you know, your porn was on there from the night before. I would pretend I was listening to Green Day the night before and I would let that play in the room. Yeah.

Was it tall, John? No, no, no, no, no. Mike Lawrence? No, stop guessing. It doesn't matter to the people at home because once we get to the name, they won't care. Well, I, you know, I respect Green Day. I get it, but I just, I think the fact that they were called punk rock

always rubbed me the wrong way. Right. Like that's punk now? Anyway, the guy's a great drummer. I get that. What else? It was Doyle. Because he's a guy who has all the OC punk.

And they really resented this Northern California pop punk band. He's the guy that's buddies with Eric Lederman. Yes. All right. What's this about cream? Oh, my God, I got a hack. I got a life hack. I mean, if you have a well-

run household and family this doesn't apply to you but if you're like me and you're like ah my half and half is bad or i forgot to get i don't know i find myself a lot of times making coffee and i have no creamer right um here's the hack of course you can buy artificial creamer and all that i guess powder i then looked on my door in my uh fridge and there was a a can of whipped cream And it was from a while ago, but I looked at the expiration somehow months it has not expired. And I'm like, well, let me put this on a plate and smell it. All good. It keeps forever because it's pressurized in a can.

And then that's your creamer. That's your backup. You have that in your fridge for six months. Maybe it's, maybe it doesn't spoil. Maybe it doesn't spoil because there's no dairy in it. No, this is the whole foods. Get this. It's made from real cream.

and wildly, it has less two tablespoons as 15 calories. It's less calories than two tablespoons a half and a half. That's amazing. I mean, the thing is about you, Mike, is you're funny. I may go exclusively whipped cream, Greg. And just the stuff, the information that you impart to our listeners, this is amazing. Everyone, just go buy a can. You don't have to use it.

It's backup. It's backup. You will use it, by the way. I buy buttermilk so I can make Irish soda bread. And it is true. That shit, because you only use half of it. And then I'll go in the fridge. Two months later, it's still good.

I'll make another Irish soda bread. Some people, when they're really, I mean, obviously, if you really don't want to drink your coffee black, they'll put butter in it, kind of like bulletproof coffee. That's one of their mouths. Oh, right. Yeah, that's a Joe Rogan thing. But of course, listen, sometimes you come home and just blast a whipped cream in your mouth. Yeah.

That's what you're going to do. Oh, God. Yeah, when you're alone. All right, we didn't put this story in, but I read it on the New York Times this morning. I'm just going to briefly talk about this next week. The Justice Department is now going to allow firing squads for executions. They're back. Well, they were back.

I actually read about this about a couple years ago. They had a volunteer firing squad. They like the guards would volunteer to shoot the prisoners and they you know and they only they only put bullets in one or two of the guns so that you can have you can have plausible deniability if if you feel guilty about having killed somebody. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people get blank. Some people get real bullets. And apparently the one or two people with the bullets did not kill the guy.

They did they missed. Oh. And so, and I thought to myself, all right, you guys are making this a little too complicated. You're in a maximum security prison filled with killers. All you got to do is start a rumor the guy is a snitch. He'll be dead in the next 48 hours. That's one way to do it. You can't have ICE do it because they only kill innocent people.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. So there you go We got firing squads America is slowly becoming great again I mean everyone feels it Everyone's talking about it Oh you still got those little flies

I just saw you slap another one Yeah if anyone has a cure No we did we got an email from a guy Oh Who has a cure he said there's these pellets that you buy Just go to the gardening store And you buy these pellets first of all You're overwatering

I think he's right. It creates a culture in the pot. Yes, it creates a fungus and you put these, if you go to the store, they'll give you these little pellets that you put into the soil and it kills the fungus that the flies are eating off of them.

Thank you, person, who sent that in. Yes. Also, should we talk about my, let's save Michael Jackson for the front page. Yeah. He deserves.

It doesn't. The King of Pop. Yeah. Logo this week comes from Bob. He got us flying into Karg Island, which have we not taken over Karg Island yet? I'm ashamed to say I don't know what Karg Island is. Oh, it's an island. It's part of Iran.

And I guess it's got a lot of... Oh, is it near the straight? Yes. Got it. And it's got a lot of military presence on it. or something. That's all right. It's the only straight island I want to go to.

Speaking of military presence, this Marine gave me one of those coins last night. Oh. It was literally a military presence. They do this thing where they put this big metal coin in their hand, and then they give you a handshake. And it's like an honor to get one from a guy in the military. This guy was in the Marines.

Wow. Did you put one of your gay, pins in your hand and give him a handshake, which is far from an honor. Exactly what I did. I gave one of my pins. Great. I've been telling the audience about pin etiquette because there's been a lot of people, you know, I set up all my pins on a table after the show and then people come by and I sell

them to them. But there's always one guy that'll walk up, him and his wife, and they stand in front of the table and they start a long conversation with me. And for that five or ten minutes, 90% of the crowd has now walked past the table because they couldn't even see me. And so I've begun to instruct the audience about keeping it moving. And I go, I go, if you know me from VH1, I love the 80s, I don't care. I really don't want to have that.

I know I was on VH1. I love the 80s. If you want to take a selfie, don't just. don't. I go, why? Why you're taking it? So you're going to come up. The guy is going to put his arm around me. And so it's always some guy who's got like a wet, sweaty pit that's now on my shoulder soaking into my shirt. And he gives his wife his phone and she doesn't have the pass code. And then she ends up like, and then it's backwards. So she's taking a selfie. And meanwhile, people are just streaming by. So you can have a picture. And in eight years, you're going to be going through

your camera roll and be like, who the fuck is this? Who's this guy? He looks angry. Meanwhile, this time, you're like, you squirted five times? You're totally engaged with the couple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The song this week comes from King Kuku, which he admittedly part of the song. Most of the song he did himself, but he used some AI elements.

That's fine. I don't know why you're creating rules. Look, I forget the rules. Send us some songs. We're running low. Need songs, ASAP. Send them into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We've been doing this show for six years.

Every single week, we've had an original new song. And I don't know if that's helping us or hurting us. Oh. And captions. Need some captions. We love it when they're current to the news, which is why we love Bob. He always does something that's happening this week. A couple corrections.

Kim says that it's Michelangelo, not Da Vinci, that painted the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, I just blindly agreed with you. Absolutely. Also, thank you for the Audible Rex on Sunday Papers. I've purchased at least five audiobooks based on the Sunday Papers. Why aren't they a sponsor? What? They should sponsor us.

Oh. Dude, I'm crushing it on Audible. I mean, I don't want to give them a free. Well, we have no competing. I just started listening to, well, I just finished James. Did you do James? Did not. My dumb joke, it's not really a joke, but, you know, it's from slave Jim.

That's what I'll call him. It's his perspective. It's a book written from, with Huckleberry Finn. It's slave Jim. So it's called James. And the thing, it's a tough, listen. Let me, let me, a little, the N-word is all over that. And it's very different when you're reading it versus listening to it.

Is the narrator white or black? This is the wrong thing to say, but I'm going to say he sounds black. So when I pull in my garage and I, and I park there. and it's still playing, right? It's an indoor garage. I live in a building. So it's a very concrete echoes everywhere. So I opened my door and that audio can be heard on the, I mean, 40 cars away.

And I am not quick enough to realize because I'm like, I didn't finish that coffee. Let me throw that. I'm like cleaning up as I'm getting out of my car. Yeah. audio's still playing. I will say I was very offended. The word honky was in that book. No.

Yes. They did not, no warning. No warning. Huh? What year was that written? Maybe 1920? Well, Huckleberry Finn? Yeah.

No, it was, I think, earlier than that. I think late 1800s, I believe. Really? But James is from like two years ago. Yeah, my wife's book group did it, and they first read Huckleberry Finn, so they would have some more context for it, and then they read James, and they all loved it. They didn't love it. People liked it very much. Aaron and I, I think, had the same issues with 1885.

It was published. Wow. But Aaron and I, I think, had the same issues. Well, right now I'm listening to Stoner, which is very highly reviewed and kind of short. I have a commute now. You know, what's his name? Has a book club comedian. God, wow, I have no brain today.

Jesselnik? Jezzelnick. He is an avid reader. Yeah, he recommended this book that I read a few months ago that I thought was excellent. It was called My Year Off. And it's about this woman who, it's kind of funny because it's a protagonist

There's no way you're going to get behind. She's tall, beautiful, comes from a rich family, and she's very entitled, and she's working at an art gallery, and she's just drinking a lot, and she decides to take it. She's saved up enough money that she takes an entire year and just stays in her apartment and takes pills and lives in a semi-stupor the entire time. That's the plot of the book. Wow. But it's so well written that you actually get into it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm looking for that.

Atonement was one that blew me away with how well written it was. The God of Small Things I just read. It is way kind of depressing, but so well written. Oh, okay. Yeah. Look at us. Look at us reading. I'm listening to Tom Stoppard's biography right now.

Hmm. Do you know who Tom Stopper is? Yeah, of course. Great. The playwright. Playwright, yeah. And it is my third time listening to it. What? And I know approximately four facts about Tom Stoppard. I literally, I take a sleeping pill. And then about 20 minutes later, I put on the audiobook. It has a timer on it for 45 minutes. I'm asleep after 15. And then I just go wherever it left off the night before. So there's no. And when you're on a a sleepy pill you don't remember anything right right right yeah well that's why i did not know

carg island because i'm commuting to work i'm listening to audio books and then just writing a lot of short jokes about given heart oh you want to share any no no you got to see it live you got to see it live Netflix may 10th sunday mother's day what better way to celebrate mother's day than the most profane show you're going to see in a long time. Yeah. Can we announce any more roasters? So far we only had Jeff Ross. I don't think I can believe it.

Really? Well, because they haven't gone public and then I get in trouble and stuff like that. So we know Shane Gillis is hosting. We know Jeff Ross is on it because he's on it every year and he's a producer. So the big question is, are the big names is Nikki Glaze are going to be there? is Whitney Cummings going to be there These are the big names I thought you were going to say like the Rock

and Eddie Murphy and like his high-end friend group but we don't know Okay Well to be continued The other correction was Tommy in Tokyo said when Mike was When Mike was reading Higgs-Murfs sermon

Instead of Higgs-Seths Hague Smurf. He misinterpreted C-S-A-R as meaning Caesar. C-S-A-R is combat, search, and rescue. Take a niche. Ah, good point. Okay, I didn't know what it was. Yeah, it was tucked in there.

But he is, I mean, everybody's a czar these days. They're always coming up with another czar. You know, there was the rat czar in New York. Do you remember that one? No. Oh, he was going to get rid of all the rats. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Which would be kind of a cool, if you really got creative with that, and maybe you allowed people to bring pellet guns onto the subway, and while they're waiting for the train, they could shoot the rats with their pellet guns. Mm-hmm. I like that. More free-range cats. Do you know that, oh, here's one of the things I learned at Disneyland from J-CN,

is that there are cats. cats at Disneyland that are outdoor cats because they kill all the rice and rice, mice and rats. Really? Yes. I mean, not Mickey and Minnie thank the Lord. What, um, huh, I'm so, I mean, they're not around and it doesn't smell like urine. There can't be that many of them. Well, there's popcorn and candy corn.

There's all kinds of food being spilled. the ground. Hmm. You're not buying it. I feel like you're not buying it. No, I'm sitting on an Asian joke. And I'm just going to keep sitting on it. It's a very, Disney's very popular with the Asian community, just even that part of the

country. Yes. Is disproportionately Asian. And we'll just leave it there. Tour dates coming up. I'll be at the Brea Improv. May 8th. Boston, big weekend.

Laugh Boston, May 29th and 30th, one of my favorite clubs in the country. And then I'll be in Rochester, New Hampshire, at the Opera House, June 5th, Agunquit, Maine at Jonathan's June 6th. Then I'll be in St. Pete, Cincinnati, Columbus, La Jolla, Batavia, Illinois. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Come out and say hi. Also, want to give a shout out to Gotham Productions. They produce the podcast.

They do an amazing job. We thank them. And then let's also talk about what we love, which is miracle sheets. Oh, man, the hot. It regulates your temperature, man. Mm-hmm. You don't have to be flipping the pillow or kicking off the blanket anymore. Or flipping the wife and kicking out the wife.

You could bring that into the ad if you want, but you just stay comfortable all night. And regular sheets hold a ton of bacteria, like more than you want. want anywhere near your face. These are designed to prevent up to 99.7% of bacterial growth. So they stay cleaner, way longer. I love them. I made loving them the other night. And it was, we both had, we felt like the best sexual experience of our lives.

Well, because they feel like these high-end hotel sheets. Yes, yes, they do. And it's also great because. Because I run cold at night and the sheets keep me warm. My wife runs hot. They keep her cool. It's NASA designed. It's based on research from NASA.

Not NASA, the Bahamas, because you don't even use sheets there. It's so hot. NASA like the space program. Anyway, upgrade your sleep with Miracle Made. Go to try miracle.com slash papers and use the code. to claim your three three piece towel set and save over 40%. Look at that. Sounds good.

You got something to crinkle? Oh, boy. Yes, we're going to go back to the map. All right. Amsterdam. Here we go. All right. Take it away.

You love this story. New molestation and sexual abuse claims against Michael Jackson revealed as King of Pop biopic debuts. Dan Reed doesn't want people to forget about the allegations against MJ on the heels of the new biopic Michael, which is getting huge box office, by the way. The documentary filmmaker behind Leaving Neverland Ways in on the singer's enduring popularity, despite Wade Robson and James Safechuck accusing the thriller musician of sexually abusing them as children in his documentary. quote, it says that people don't care

that he was a child molester. Literally, people just don't care. I think a lot of people just love his music and turn deaf ear, short of having actual video evidence of Michael Jackson engaged in sexual intercourse with a seven-year-old, I don't know what will be sufficient

to change these people's minds. Antoine Fuqua, the director of Michael, recently responded to the accusations against Michael. He said, sometimes people do some nasty things. for some money.

What is he talking about? I guess he's shaming. He's victim shaming. He's saying that... He's saying the accusers are doing things for money. I don't know if the nasty things means suing Michael for the money or that they did the nasty thing

so that they could get the money. No, I don't think it's the latter. Okay. By the way, I'll add to this story. I heard some news that you cannot now see the documentary that those two, you know, remember those two guys? The very leaving Neverland, I think it was. Yeah, this is the director of the guy, Dan Reed. Yeah.

You cannot find that documentary now because. A deal was struck where it was an HBO documentary. HBO and Warner has agreed to kill it. Unbelievable. So it was streaming on HBO and HBO took it down because of the merger. That's so gross. Leaving Neverland. I'm going to look it up.

Oh, my God. That's ridiculous. I cannot find it online either. It's not like it's in Amazon. The report, anyway, the news report I heard is like you have to go like crazy deep on the web to somehow find a copy. And this, this biopic of Michael literally just does not acknowledge any child molestation in it or any charges. And my friend Frank, Frank Conniff, had a joke. It's like doing a biopic of John Wayne Gacy and just focusing on his career as a clown.

Settlement with the estate following a long legal battle, the Michael Jackson estate successfully sued HBO, alleging that the documentary, violated a non-discharagement clause from a 1992 contract regarding a concert film. In October, 24, the HBO and the state settled. Part of the agreement, HBO agreed to remove Leaving Neverland from its platform. The film is expected to remain unavailable on official platforms until the rights revert to the director, Dan Reed, in 2029. Damn. He'll be killed. Oh, yeah.

There's going to be a sequel to this movie that's out now, they're saying. Like, it's not complete. It stops at a certain point. Maybe he's only three kids in. I mean, we always do the ethical question. I mean, should kids listen to his music? Well, I'm more about the hypocrisy of, like, what would these people feel about, like, Cosby? like Cosby's sitcom

I would say is most consider in the top 10 sitcoms of all time Yeah it certainly I don't know It was considered that For you know when it was out And and and it was Killing it in reruns and repeats and all that stuff

Syndication So like would you have a problem watching Cosby's sitcom Well I just think it would be immoral. I mean, I think it's one of the worst sitcoms of all time. And I think it would be immoral to bring a girl over to your apartment and put that show on to try to get her to fall asleep. Good point. You know, most agree that what Michael Jackson did is worse. I mean, that's

another philosophical question, I guess. They're both heinous acts, but I think 99% of the planet it would agree Jackson was worse. Well, what about Michael Jackson impersonators? Should there be Michael Jackson impersonators? Because they're all trying to be as realistic as possible. Who knows what they're doing

when they're not on the promenade or the boardwalk dancing? Are they still in character when they, you know, go home near the elementary school in their neighborhood? And they won't engage in this. the philosophical question is if Michael Jackson like Cosby well was Cosby found guilty

he was not in jail and then he appealed and got out so maybe it is the same like what happened was people testified the they they the prosecutor completely fucked up and at some point when Cosby testified it was cloaked in some kind of a an agreement that they could not anything he said then could not be used as evidence in later trials. And then that first trial got dismissed. So everything he had ever been accused of or admitted to was dismissed. Both have paid money to the victims. Yes.

So they are pretty similar. But I just can't wait for the documentary about that great financier, Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, yes. His storybook rise from like a math teacher who wasn't even that good to, great success on Wall Street on a trading desk. And then, I mean, then the leap after that to, like, global financier is incredible. And he was amazing as doing costume design backstage at beauty pageants. He was really hands-on of just being there, just being there for the women if they needed anything.

Sorry. You're fucking, you're so out of it today. No, I'm a little, but also I've been hit. That's why I was late to this. And work is continue. Oh, no way. Really? Yeah, no worries.

No worries. I can't tell you. I cannot tell you who I was just texted about. All right. What are we doing? What's next? All right. Let's get to.

Oh, Maduro. Oh, Maduro. Why don't you read the first part? I'll read the second part. Federal authorities arrested a special operation soldier who was involved in the capture of Venezuela and President Nicholas Maduro for allegedly pocketing more than 400,000, thousand dollars by betting on his removal from office the justice department announced thursday no i'm going to read the second story which is related oh uh so the federal

investigators said gannon ken van dyke dyke bet more than thirty three thousand dollars on the prediction market polly market days before trump announced maduro's capture the bets which netted more than four hundred thousand dollars prompted scrutiny and uh ended in a months-long investigation about whether inside information was used to place the bets. Van Dyke was indicted on charges that included unlawful use of confidential information to gain personal gain, theft of non-public government information and wire fraud. So let me get this straight. A soldier made money betting that other soldiers would get killed.

That's like me sitting in the back of the comedy store and betting. whether or not a comic bombs. I would need inside information because I have lost every bet I've made just generally in my head on what this administration will do and what they won't do. I have made,

I scored two bets on Kalshi. I bet that Pam Bondi was going to get fired and I bet that who is the other woman that just got fired? No. No. I got I won money on both of those and right now I have money if you want to jump in by June 1st there's a bet of whether or not who's Patel cash Patel I got I got 50 bucks on Patel getting fired now do you check in on on on cashing out

I started my account with 100 bucks and now I have 275 no no I mean your cash bet probably pays pretty well right now. Like you're holding a winning ticket that you can cash out before it happens. Oh, for the same odds as if it does happen? That's how a lot of people make money on this. Oh, no shit. Yeah, he'll bet, he'll wait until a sizable lead

is in a NBA game. And then he will bet, I think the team losing. And then if they start to catch up, He cashes out, not for that much, but he cashes out, and it's a win. Yeah, I've just placed a lot of share. I mean, I think you're completely wrong. I think this government is very predictable. You know, betting on whether or not oil prices are going to go up is so goddamn easy.

Like, because you kind of, you usually know when he's going to announce another ceasefire or when he's going to attack. I mean, who would have bet on there's going to be the draft is going to come back. Firing squads are going to come back. All right. That's true. That's true. I mean, come this. I'm going to, he's going to destroy a wing of the White House.

Why wasn't, Cal she was a sponsor for a minute. We got to get them back and we'll start doing the contest. The goods, the goods he sells. I mean. Yeah. Well, you know those, do you remember this, the Trump phones? About a year ago, he took in 50 months. million dollars in down payments on Trump's cell phones that were going to be made in the USA.

It's now a year later and not one person has gotten a phone and they've already taken off the website that's made in the USA because they realize it's impossible to make them for a reasonable amount in the United States of America. And they don't even have a prototype right now. Well, there's that famous clip of Letterman when he reached over. and I guess someone gave them the information and Trump was selling ties and it might even been like an American flag tie

or like some whatever and let him and reached over and found the maiden China tag. You don't even remove that is so inept. Okay, related story. Police are investigating claims that a hairdryer was used to manipulate the weather sensor in a $34,000 bet

French officials are investigating the 34,000 was one on a weather bet following claims that the temperature sensor at Charles de Gaulle Airport was tampered with. Readings at the airport spiked twice in April at the same time as bets with large, bets with large winnings were placed on polymarket. Several crypto outlets and other publications speculated that, I can't even read, man, speculated that a hairdryor could have been used to, create a false temperature reading weather forum suggested the device could have been battery powered according to lamand peak temperatures were recorded there were significantly higher than expected and there was like a 1% chance of this happening so it was a huge payoff one of the traders won 21,000 on april 15th and 34 000 total and now this morning i don't know if it's real. I saw footage because they had a camera on this temperature gauge at the airport and you see a guy

come up and take something out, which looks like a hairdryer and aims it just temporarily at the weather sensor. How do you know when to do it? Like when do they actually take the temperature? Because it wouldn't stay hot for very long. No, no, no. It's constantly monitored. And then it tells you what high it hit that day. Oh, so as long as it hits a high, at a certain moment. Got it. Yeah. Wow.

Now, I've thought about, you know, the roast is coming up, and there's going to be a lot of bets on these prediction websites. And I've found out it's not illegal insider information. But how about this? This is what I should do. I should just charge $10 from our listeners per listener to give you inside of inside information and then I'm not even I think I think you shouldn't be saying it's on the air I think if that happens you could you I believe you can get in trouble for that I think technically you know

it's the SEC does not have any jurisdiction over over these uh prediction markets and I I don't know maybe maybe it could get me on wire fraud but all right So what's... But by the way, my point is this. The jury is still out on this. It's unregulated. Will Jeff Ross come out dressed as Kevin Hart in Blackface? That's the bet.

By the way, I don't even know if there are bets already. But I know I worked on the Golden Globes and there was a ton of Kalshi bets. Yeah. Right. Like, is she going to mention the word Epstein? Is she going to, I forget what they were. There were tons of them. And never mind who's going to win.

But on those shows, that would be a different law being violated because that would mean the accountants have leaked it. Because the accountants keep all the ballots and all that. That's why we have to meet this stupid idiots during the award shows. Emily Hart presented herself on platforms like FanView, Instagram, and Facebook as a pro gun. Anti-woke Trump voting nurse who liked to post images of herself wearing MAGA caps and U.S. flag bikinis. She's pretty hot.

She amassed thousands of followers, made several thousand dollars a month through subscriptions. Yeah, she's hot. Dude, I sent her a bunch of lingerie. Except, Emily didn't exist. What? The images and captions were generated by AI by a 22-year-old male medical student from India called Sam, who claims to a. have made enough money to fund his studies. Sam's wearing the panties?

Emily Hart now presents a problem for non-AI influencers. All right, fine. How is she any different from a Kardashian or a Sabrina carpenter or any other Hollywood generated, basically AI human being? What I've learned is like most things that I get worked up about and spin my wheels on and actively hate, it is completely imagined. Right. It's not a real thing.

Yeah. It's usually an outcome that hasn't happened yet. Wow. Or a hot MAGA influencer. Yeah. It just doesn't exist. You sound like Eckhart Toll right now, the power of now. I know.

Yeah. Well, I've been getting very into that lately. My Instagram feed realizes that I need to be more in the moment. And it just keeps showing me these great, like, Buddhist monks and Eckartoll. And I really do have moments. And I do it on the golf course. When I start spinning out about how fucking bad I am at golf, I just stop and I ground and I ground and I realize that whatever situation I'm in,

whether I'm three over after two holes or whatever, that is it. There is this. They call it isness. There's no other reality I could be in right now except for the one I'm in and you just radically accept it. And all of a sudden it calms you down. Well, don't let the algorithm know. you want to explore physicists and philosophical physics

because I'm seeing ones where they're like say of an hourglass, right? Everything on the top is the future. Everything on the bottom is the past. So like at Cartel will be like, those don't exist. The past doesn't, like it's not a, it's just a memory, you know what I mean?

And the future, of course, isn't here yet. And then the physicists then argue, so there's only the absolute miller microsecond that you're in now. But they then have a successful argument that that's nothing. Yeah. Right. Well, because that also is literally nothing. So there's nothing surrounded by nothingness. Yes.

And not only that, what there is. is in that little middle part that the sand grains are coming through, it's in motion. And I think some people have this thought that, you know, this Eastern idea of being present, it means everything is static and you're just sitting on a couch and nothing's happening. And it's like, no, you need to meditate through stress, through traffic, through arguments. Like there is sand moving at all times, but it's that sand. It's not the sand that's going to be later or the sand that's kind. It's what's flowing past you right now and accepting that in a way that keeps your inner peace Nice.

All right. Jesus Christ, what podcast is this? Oh, that's great. We should have that fat black guy on. What's his name? Kevin Hart. He's not fat and he'll tell you about it all day. I'll show you videos nonstop.

Jesus. All right. So this brings us very naturally into the ethical question. Do you want to get a crinkle? So far. Yeah. The map. The map.

Man, I need a map. All right. It's my turn. You are at the beach, my Gibbons. You're with your daughter, Sophie, and you're with your niece, Carolyn. Caroline or Carolyn? Caroline.

Caroline. You're at the beach. It's a little rough out there. Sophie obviously was on the surf team with my daughter. She's a really good swimmer. Caroline, not as good. lives more inland. And they both get out there and they're getting caught up in the waves.

And they're both about the same distance, but they're really struggling. Sophie's doing better. You can only save one of them. You can make two trips out there, but it means that one of them is going to be out there treading water longer. Who do you save first? Have I bet on Kalshi? Which, who will be alive that night?

their niece is Kalshi. Yeah. I don't know if I'm lying to my, well, first of all, they're going to be saving me at this point, I think. But I don't think I'm lying to myself. I would be, oh, I don't know. I was just going to say I'd be getting the person I could get to. But I might then think they're going to tell them I'm going to get them on the way back in and go out for the person further out. Which like I already said at the same distance, same distance out. They're the same distance.

Same distance. Well, Caroline, if you told me Sophie's doing better. Okay. I think, right? I did, I was at the Malloy's house one day. And you know that big tree between the Malloy and the Dunsky's house? Yeah, of course. And they've got this limb that comes off of it.

And their son, Theo, and my son, Owen, Owen at the time was probably five and Theo was probably five. and Theo was probably eight. And they were both in the tree, and I was standing under the tree, and they both decided to jump to me at the same time. And I caught Owen, and Theo landed on the ground and scraped his arm and was crying hysterically,

and was so deeply hurt at my Sophie's choice, that I got my own son instead of him. and so he was a Spider-Man fan, so I bought him a Spider-Man suitcase that you pulled a suitcase, and he used to play with it. He loved it. I made it right.

I like how you sugar-carred this memory. What you really did was, you're like, oh, and land on Theo. He land on Theo to break your fall. I don't want to hurt my arms. All right, second one. You are engaged in, a road rage incident with another guy and you turned down an alley, he follows you down the alley.

Your cars are side by side racing. He's screaming at you. He's not even paying attention. And then up ahead, there's a homeless guy in the alley. You hit the homeless guy. And then you both stop. He thinks he hit this homeless guy. Guys dead

Do you allow him To take the blame for hitting the homeless guy I'm very worried about what you've experienced Where is this coming from? I don't know It just came out of thin air No I think I'd be tortured for the rest of my life I think

I would try to get that guy in trouble for something though Yes Maybe he was chasing me Yeah I mean I think he'd be an accomplice for sure Yeah, that would make me feel better. Yeah. Okay. Well, I think you have, you've come out on the right side of the two ethical questions today.

You took the high road on both. The other day, I was late to work, and it's a miserable commute up driving through, large Montville, you know, that whole area and Korea town. Anyway, it's long, it's one red light and stop sign after the next. and some of the streets are really narrow and someone was coming towards me I already told you what neighborhood I was driving in I did not respect their driving at all

it's one of those people who think they think they're really close to the park cars to their right and they are not at all and they're out in the center so I was going by and I'm like would I if my side view mirror scraped one of the park cars on my right would I stop and leave a note

and and it was a tough question i'm ashamed to say it didn't happen by the way but i just thought would i yeah that's a big one that comes up in la a lot there's a lot of people scratching you have to yeah i couldn't believe how that wasn't it wasn't black and white for me though in that moment like i'm late to work it's a pain in the ass obviously the damage is because cosmetic, you know, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Well, that's why you should have a, I mean, I like that there's so many cameras on the street and so many people that drive have cameras on their cars now because you can catch people who do that. Right.

Well, we had a friend. We won't say who it was. But there is a street that we know where it is one of these famous squeezes and cars parked towards the end. get hit a lot and he would purposely park his there and a little bit out from the curb. Well, he had a junker. Yeah. He had a junker and it would work. You're talking about Tom O'Neill.

Oh, Jesus. What are you doing? I gave him that car. It was an old Volvo D.L. And the bumper was like taped on. But every time somebody would hit it, he'd be like. you owe me 150 bucks. They'd leave a note and then he'd just say, I'll take cash.

He's had two of my cars or my family's cars. Yeah. Well, now. And he drives them into the ground. Well, now that he's got some money, let's see if he buys a new car and moves to Venice. That's where he belongs. I've told the story before, but it was very, so when he, the car before I gave him my old car. Anyway, you could, in the back seat, you could see the street down by your, your feet.

could see the street flying underneath the car. And I had two daughters, and they were the perfect ages where Olivia, the younger one, loved it, wanted to bring kids from school friends into the backseat to see it because it was so cool. And Sophie requested he pick her up three blocks from school so no one would see her get in the car. All right, speaking of embarrassment. that out. Tom was my manny. And he lost them once. Only time he's been called a man.

All right. What are we doing? Entertainment. Let's do some entertainment. There you go. Okay. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres returning to voice Dory in a new short out of Pixar's Finding Nemo Universe. How about that, Greg? Well, it's a short.

They're not ready to give her a feature-length film. They're giving her a short. Meanwhile, finding Nemo and the follow-up, which was like something Dory. Yeah. The Dory one made over a billion dollars. I think it set the record for the highest grossing animated film of all time. Wow. And now they're giving her a short.

Like she's an NYU student trying to break into the business. Maybe they'll all of this voiceover. Just be like, hey, we're going to send you a check. We don't need Ellen. In fact, that's the dream. We don't need her to come in and do the voice sessions. We have her voice and we can get it to say anything now. Oh, right.

I mean, I'm not saying that's happening, but that's what I would prefer if I was directing or producing this. If I was producing it, I would write into the script that Dory takes a shit in the fish tank and then blames the two executive producers of the film. And then they start firing and massaging everyone. That's right. maybe they have to update the Dory story

so it doesn't have a happy ending to sort of parallel Ellen's life because when she did that she was barely on the upswing again after her failed sitcom and stuff Yeah yeah So who knows Who knows

Good for Ellen Welcome back Ellen Let me know if you need some punch up on it Russell Brand has admitted that he slept with a 16-year-old when he was 30. He said the age of consent in the UK is 16, but he acknowledged that this was exploitative. And then he said to Megan Kelly,

who was interviewing him, thank you for giving me the grace to address in particular your anger. He's the worst. Which is entirely legitimate and recognizable. He goes, and the plain fact is that in Europe, A 16 year old is it can that's the age of consent. I was very different person at 30. I was younger, but I was an immature 30 year old.

So I'm so, it's so blurry. I've lost track of who's the victim here. Yes. I guess it's him. And he was, it was okay because he was immature. All right. So I'm 60. I'm immature.

Can I have sex with a 16 year old as long as I'm immature? Did he hold his breath until she slept with him and then throw a Antrim. By the way, this is not funny. He brings his Bible into court, by the way. Was he a Bible guy? Oh, yeah. He's become a very big Bible guy.

Oh, I love it. He's pathetic. Well, he's not funny. That's for sure. I worked with him once. He was very, very nice. But that was a long time ago. Yeah.

Do you want to read this Nikki Glazer thing? I didn't know this. You put this story in here. Nikki Glazer revealed on The Tonight Show that Leonardo DiCaprio sent her baskets of pasta after the Golden Globes. She had roasted him for dating women, and it quotes the joke, what a career he has had. Countless iconic performances, you work with every great director, you've won Golden Globes. And Oscar, the most impressive thing is you were able to accomplish all that before your girlfriend turned 30. So you didn't put in the joke that ref because then she tagged that with the pasta joke Because it's like we know we sorry we have to do that you date young women Leo

But we know nothing else about you And we all we could find was a teen beat magazine where his three favorite foods were pasta pasta pasta Oh got it Yeah Well I think he gave her pasta and he also bought some for his girlfriend so she could glue it to some construction paper for our class I did not know this that she got that

I wonder if Sean Penn sent her some leather handbags because that was the punchline she used to describe his face that's right yeah well yeah I should look up the other

jokes she used yeah well I hope she Jordan sending her a vibrator I hope she does the roast because she really is very very good at it well I mean no one works harder it's incredible I you know so she's done the round of publicity

she's everywhere right now because her hour just dropped oh her new hour she does not let up I wish I had one tenth of the drive that Nikki Glazer has I'm so fucking lazy when you see her tour schedule which is in its second year rarely goes more than a day off, I think, or two days. No, no, no, maybe there's some weekdays off. But every weekend, and it's, you know, she did Christmas night, I think, getting ready for the Globes. Definitely New Year's Eve.

Anyway, it's, it's everywhere. It's including Europe on this leg. How much do you think she makes at one of her theater shows? You know, I'm bad at that, but I just know how envious bands are. of comedians like Nikki did I don't know 10 or 12 nights at the Beacon Theater on the Upper West Side yeah and I think I mean I don't know is she playing Madison Square Garden instead this time around because

why not just do one or two shows of Madison Square Garden if you're doing 10 or 11 because they're shitty shows I don't know what people do Madison Square Garden no it's people do Madison Square Garden it's like you know half the audience sees that and they don't go back and see that act again because they didn't have a good experience. You do the Beacon Theater. It's fucking tight. It's good for comedy, you know? I think it's greedy to do these giant venues.

You've been in a stadium. No, you've done when you're with Bert. I've done arenas, yeah, like 15, 16,000 seats. Not for me. I was opening for people. When I was on the road for two cities with Nate Bergetzi's tour, and they are doing a good job making it feel as small as it can feel. being in the center of the room, you know, that obviously helps. And then big monitors and a big like type of, you know, like square monitor above his head as well.

So they're doing their best to make it a little more intimate. But yeah. All right. And they put on a show, you know, with all the warmups and the host. You know, they have a host in the evening. So they're trying to make it as sort of. not as impersonal, I guess you would say, as it could be. All right.

We're going to make America, Florida. Let's do it. This was sent in. You send me this. A Florida surgeon. I hope it's former. Florida surgeon accused of removing the wrong organ, and he was driving lift when he was arrested.

Florida surgeon accused of killing a patient on the operating table by removing his liver rather than his spleen was driving passengers. for a lift when arrested. His arrest came more than a year and a half. He's 70 years old. No, sorry. Came a year and a half after his patient, who's 70 years old,

died during what was supposed to be a laparoscopic surgery to remove his spleen. Instead, they removed his liver causing catastrophic blood loss and killing him. Jesus. Stay records show that the doctor's medical license was suspended about a month later. A month?

Yeah. First of all. As soon as that happens, there should be like an immediate timeout. I mean, I've heard about Uber drivers being arrested for taking out the wrong organ, but usually it's an organ in their pants. Yeah. The widow is suing him. Oh, no, sorry. He was sued by the widow.

He also faces a medical negligence lawsuit for a separate surgery on Dorothy Dorset, who was 70. She died in August days after this doctor removed a mass from her, but then allegedly failed to take steps to prevent sepsis. Oh. The lawsuits are ongoing. He needs that Uber money back. He better be driving a lot of hours. I mean, I read, I didn't put it in here, but I did read, and I was surprised. He, I'm not joking, he does have a five-star rating on Lyft.

I'm surprised. I would imagine you try to get this guy to pick you up and you're like, no, no, no, I'm over here. You're in the wrong place. I said LaGuardia, not JFK or whatever it is down there. Yeah, exactly. I said Fort Lauderdale, not West Palm. Yeah. All right, now we're going to make America Kentucky again.

All right, we're not really going to do this story because it's pretty tragic. But the headline grabbed me. This is what the headline said. Kentucky woman was picked up by a garbage truck's grappler claw and crushed. I then read a little more that when it was... The headline grabbed you. It sounds like the headline grabbed her, too. And the claw came out to grab the trash.

and it grabbed her by accident. Once they saw a human being was in the claw, it dropped her on the ground, picked up the garbage and then kept driving down the street. No. Yeah. Now, the reason we're not, I didn't put the rest in is because she was unhoused.

That's the word that the article used. And then she, uh, she walked away when it tried. up her on the ground and then people saw her and brought her in and she died from her injuries. So unbelievably depressing story that it's people in this country, it's like garbage. Yeah. That's where it's gotten it, whether it's mental illness or just hard financial times.

But it's like, and that this can happen. It's crazy. It's dystopian. It's really dark. Yeah. It's like a movie out of it. It's like out of a dystopian movie where the garbage picks up, you know, people. Maybe that's what they are going to be doing in the future.

Right, right. Let's pick up the homeless people, put them in this big truck. And recycle them. With a grappler. Yeah. It also reminds me that Marvel comic superhero idea that you've. Oh, about the frog man. Yeah.

The guy in the frog suit who's swimming in the ocean, but there's far as far as fire. so the helicopter scoops up the ocean water, drops it onto the flames. And the guy who is scuba diving in a frog suit is burned, and the frog suit is burned into his body, and he becomes a superhero that fights against forest fires or something. I don't know what he does. I misremembered.

I thought it became a serial frog arson. A frog who just lights fires all over the place. That's better. and he always shows up in the water. He shows up in the water. He commits arson from the edges of the land. All right, let's get down to this day in history. Yeah, man, I did not do my...

Oh, boy, here we go. This is going to take a while. This is going to take a while. I want to apologize to everyone in advance. They didn't jump out at me. Okay. How about, we'll start with Beethoven. On this day, Beethoven shared his feelings.

That's a weird way of putting it, in a beautiful piano piece called Fur Elise. And that's da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. You know that one? Yeah, we both are not doing it. I can definitely hear you're not, and I slaughtered it. It was not known to the world until 57 years later, I'm doing the math on the fly here, when a scholar found it,

and we still don't know who exactly the Elise in Beethoven's dedication was, or whether there actually was an Elise. Anyway, somehow they know the day, I guess it was dated, that he wrote this, What year, give or take 40 years, did Ludwig von Beethoven write this world famous piece? It's so funny when I think about composers. Like, yeah, there's some recent composers, but like it's all guys from hundreds of years ago. Like there was a golden time with Mozart and Bach and Beethoven and Haydn and Lists. And I don't know what that time was.

Like, I guess it must have been the seven. We were of different times, though, then. All right. I'm going to say Beethoven was 1760. I gave you 40 years, so you did not do it. It's 1810. Oh, damn it. All right, let's go up here and try to see another one.

Sigmund Freud worked. His first day, he punched the clock as a neurologist in private practice. I've actually been by his office in Vienna. What year did old Siggy punch the clock, give or take 25 years? 1915. No. Oh, you just missed it. 1886.

Oh, my God. Right? Wait, how many years did you give me? You missed by four years. I gave you 25. Shit. I know. Okay.

Okay, it's a birthday. It's a birthday, and that birthday boy is Al Pacino. Give her take three years. What year was Al Pacino born? 1942. You did it. I gave you enough, 1940. I always guessed my mother's age when it's older people.

She was born in 42. Oh, is that what you're doing? Yeah. When do you think, not a birthday, sadly, a death day, She died. I'm going to give you a clue at the age of 77. Lucille Ball died on this day in what year? Give her take eight years?

2000 and... Wrong. All right, 1996. You get it with that. 1989. Wait, how many years did you give me? Eight. Oh, yeah.

You barely got it on your second. guest. Okay, let's find the London Zoo opened in Regents Park. When do you think the London Zoo opened, give or take 50 years? 1730. No, it's 1828. I would have guessed earlier also. Yeah. I also gave you, I scared you with that spread that I gave you. Man, I am shit in the bed today. All right, let me get one. I don't think I've got any. Let's find another one. I know. I got Al Pacino. That was it. When do you think iTunes was launched? When did Apple launch the iTunes store?

Because it was on this day in what year, give or take five years. Well, there was Pandora first, right? Wasn't that the first? No, not Pandora. What was the one that originally put out digital music? And then the guy went over to Facebook. Yeah. So that's, I'm saying that would have started around mid-90s.

So I would say iTunes would have been 97. Oh, I gave you five years? Oh, no. 2003. Wow. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Damn. All right.

Okay. Remember Contiki? No. Next question. Come on. Now. The raft? You travel to Polynesia from Peru?

No idea. Never heard of it. There was a very famous documentary about the crazy men brought cameras on them. All right, man, it's Slim Pickens. I mean, I don't care about Lionel Barrymore. Hirohito I don't care about. The animated TV, oh, man, aired its 636 episode to obscure. Sorry.

All right, one last one. One last one. Give me a big range. You don't care about Seinfeld's birthday. Sure. Let's do Seinfeld's birthday. All right, fine. We're going to do Seinfeld's birthday.

I'm going to guess he's 15 years. By the way, I made that up. I now have to hope his birthday was now. I'm kidding. Here it is. His birthday is, where did Jerry just go? I'm going to guess 1953. Oh, well, that'll make it easy for me to give you a spread younger than that.

narrower than that. He was born in Brooklyn, New York. What date? 1953. Look at you. 54. Nice. I go out big!

I go out on top! That's how you're painting this. All right. All right. Let's get down. There's nobody died this week, apparently. We were on a hot streak of no streak. There has not been a big death in like a month, I feel like.

And all apologies to people have lost someone or a big death that we're forgetting. But I'm really, it's nice. Yeah. I mean, to you, maybe a pet died and that was a big deal and you cried. But to us, it was meaningless. But you know, your gerbil Eric Clapton doesn't count. It just doesn't. We're sorry.

Let's get to the funnies. Here we go. All right. It's time to cheer up a little bit. Last, as you know, the comedy caption. Every week we give you a caption or a cartoon. You write the caption for it. You send it into Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com.

Please put your name directly underneath your joke. We take the ones we like the most. We put it in. We read them. We pick a winner. Don't be insulted if we didn't pick yours. It's kind of random. But we do our best.

Last week was two clowns. A man and a woman sitting on a couch. There's a framed. picture of a balloon dog on the wall behind them. They're watching TV and they're talking. The man is talking to the woman. Robert Condor said that he says, you want to put on baskets and fuck? That's good. I like that one. I like that. Brian Ars said everyone in this administration is just so relatable. All right. Smart. Rick says, honey, I really think the Jets are going to go all the way this year. That's my favorite. Ted says, uh, want to talk about last night. I love your enthusiasm,

but I'm still in pain down there after you tied it to into a giraffe. Okay. A little wordy, little wordy. Jane says, Christy Nome again humiliated by new footage of her and Corey's clown fetish. Poor Christy. Kurt says our carpooling is really getting out of control. That's funny. Right. I like that. Rich Kennedy says it looks like we're going to add C to the LGBTQ. Okay.

Why is that? I don't know. They're not gay. They're not queer. They're not trans. Well, that's why they have their own category, he would argue, I guess. Yeah. All right.

So you like the Jets one? I guess it's two clowns or found each other. So they need their own category. I get it. I get it, Rich. Yeah. Yeah. I think I like, I mean, the Jets is just a little less literal on the clown thing, which I like.

And it feels validating. I also think because you're a Jets fan, you were a little bit. I think the thumb was on the scale a little bit on that one. Well, I mean, he's calling me a clown. Yep. Which feels good. Let's get to the pros now. Hager the Horrible.

The king and the queen are looking out of their castle window. and there's a kiosk set up, and it says Viking loot outlet, Duke and Duchess's Castle Treasures, 85% off or best offer. And the king says, as if the raid was not humiliating enough. Yeah.

Well, there's not another kiosk next to it with the queen in it in fishnet stockings and red lipstick with the best offer on that, because that's what would have really happened. Yeah, the queen. Queen's glory hole. Right in the back, man. Glory holes.

Let's be real about this. On the lock horns, Leroy is jogging and he is panting. He looks in pain. Loretta says to her friend, Leroy runs like the winded. Okay. And now we have Leroy

and he is talking to his receptionist and she says, you had five messages while you were out, all from you asking if you had any messages. I like that. I wonder if you gave, and we should know this, but as writers, but both of us have not tried AI for work. And I wonder if you gave it 10 lock horns,

like Leroy runs like the Winded. He makes some joke about her like carbon dating on her, you know, burnt dinner. And then this one wouldn't work with the messages. But other ones like that, where it's very often wordplay criticizing the spouse. I think AI would easily wrap its mind around that. And I wonder if you asked it to give you five, if any of them could pass,

or if that's already being done. All right, how about this? From now on, the comedy caption contest, I am going to run it through AI, and you're going to have to pick which one of them was AI generated. And if you do, you win a coozy. I let oh do I have to mail it to myself yes all right okay another lock horns the good news is when it's returned i'll get it when the post office rejects it Loretta's talking to Leroy and she goes the short answer is

no the long answer is no yeah that one you see i don't think AI could write that one I fucking, I love that. Yeah, no, I do like it. It's different. Yeah. And you got an onion for us? Like it was a very, well, there's another one there that that is like the one I'm talking about. Yes, I have an onion.

I do have an onion and it sums it up. It feels a little familiar. Like they could have done us before, but apparently there's a report out and the report is nobody fucking cares. That's what the report is. That is so true. People are done. It's like we feel about politics the same way that we feel about Marvel movies. It was really exciting.

They were big events and now we just are done. We don't care. All right. We had some news stories, right? So here we go. The government is bringing back firing squads. Apparently nobody fucking cares. Michael Jackson.

The dude's killing it. His movie. everyone's seeing it they're enjoying nobody fucking cares the hard news on that one Maduro someone's betting the government did care on that which is good but we brought up that you can bet on anything a guy's using a hair dryer at de Gaul airport like and he's not going to be charged no one really gives a shit uh what else is on here oh the made up maga woman yeah yep yep come on that's just that's just par for the course now that's the end of reality It is literally now crossed over that with an election coming up, AI can generate video that 99% of the people believe is true.

Good luck candidates in the fall. And good luck the presidential race in two and a half years. Oh, here's good news. Russell Brand, I care. I want him to pay the price. Florida surgeon picked up Florida good on you. I didn't know you were arrested. I'm honest.

People when it wasn't an immigration issue. Good for you. The Kentucky woman. Oh, boy. That's a tough one. I don't think nobody cares. Anyway, that's the onion headline. I forgot to give you guys the caption for next week.

We have, it's a therapist office, and the therapist is sitting in a chair with her little notebook writing. And the patient who's on the couch is Frankenstein. There you go. Love it. Although I should say, and people may point this out in the corrections, he is not Frankenstein. He is Frankenstein's monster. They are going to point that out.

Yes. Let's close it out with our favorite couple. Dagwood is sitting on a chair with his hands in his pocket. God bless her blonde, he's got her back to him, showing off only her golden locks and not her full bosom and bowling pincaves. He goes, today was a really rough day at work. She goes, same here. He goes, there's only one thing that would make it better.

She goes, I agree. This is promising. He goes, ice cream. And she goes, I'll get the scoop. I would be like, there's only one thing that can make it better. Ice cream dripping down your lower back as I lay beneath you like you're teabagging me. And the cream is curdled by the acid in your pink outstretched labia. I thought you're going to say

Only one thing you make it better Blondi says I agree He says ice cream Blani says I'll get the divorce attorney I mean it has to be over at that point Yours is more PG rated I think that'll probably get us back on the algorithm Thank you guys for listening

Don't forget Miracle Sheets really does change your sleep It's cleaner, it's more comfortable And it feels luxurious Right now use code papers at Try Miracle.com and you're going to get a three-piece towel set and save 40%. And then anything you want to plug, Mike?

I don't know. Oh, you know, I don't think maybe I did talk about it a while ago, but I told the writers of them came up. There's a documentary. This is a terrible reference. You're going to have to do some work on your own. But it's about these murders,

unsolved murders in New Hampshire. It's one of the... I saw that. Yeah. It's one of the higher rated, I think I talked about it before. But if I have to plug something, which I guess I do, I would do that. I would go, I would just Google, true crime, cold case, New Hampshire murders podcast. There you go.

All right, people. Thank you guys for listening. We'll talk to you soon. Take it. Take it. Take it. Each.