Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 311 5/4/26

Episode Date: May 3, 2026

Subscribe to Greg Fitzsimmons: https://bit.ly/subGregFitz This week Greg and Mike cover everything from Kentucky Derby conspiracies to the most insane workplace lawsuit you’ve ever heard. There��s a deep dive into horse breeding economics, a nostalgic story about racing a homing pigeon (and losing badly), and a breakdown of why Gen Z thinks they invented existential dread.They also get into conspiracy theories, the chaos of modern headlines, and whether the government actually benefits from letting people spiral online. Plus: a Florida man, a claw machine incident, and one of the funniest legal stories in recent memory This show is produced by Gotham Production Studios and part of the Gotham Network. https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/studios/ Follow Greg Fitzsimmons: Facebook: https://facebook.com/FitzdogRadio Instagram: https://instagram.com/gregfitzsimmons Twitter: https://twitter.com/gregfitzshow Official Website: http://gregfitzsimmons.com Tour Dates: https://bit.ly/GregFitzTour Merch: https://bit.ly/GregFitzMerch “Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons” Book: https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82 “Life on Stage” Comedy Special: https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial Listen to Greg Fitzsimmons: Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio Sunday Papers: http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod Childish: http://childishpod.com Watch more Greg Fitzsimmons: Latest Uploads: https://bit.ly/latestGregFitz Fitzdog Radio: https://bit.ly/radioGregFitz Sunday Papers: https://bit.ly/sundayGregFitz Stand Up Comedy: https://bit.ly/comedyGregFitz Popular Videos: https://bit.ly/popGregFitz About Greg Fitzsimmons: Mixing an incisive wit with scathing sarcasm, Greg Fitzsimmons is an accomplished stand-up, an Emmy Award winning writer, and a host on TV, radio and his own podcasts. Greg is host of the popular “FitzDog Radio” podcast (https://bit.ly/FitzdogRadio), as well as “Sunday Papers” with co-host Mike Gibbons (http://bit.ly/SundayPapersPod) and “Childish” with co-host Alison Rosen (http://childishpod.com). A regular with Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Kimmel, Greg also frequents “The Joe Rogan Experience,” “Lights Out with David Spade,” and has made more than 50 visits to “The Howard Stern Show.” Howard gave Greg his own show on Sirius/XM which lasted more than 10 years. Greg’s one-hour standup special, “Life On Stage,” was named a Top 10 Comedy Release by LA Weekly. The special premiered on Comedy Central and is now available on Amazon Prime, as a DVD, or a download (https://bit.ly/GregFitzSpecial). Greg’s 2011 book, Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons (https://amzn.to/2Z2bB82), climbed the best-seller charts and garnered outstanding reviews from NPR and Vanity Fair. Greg appeared in the Netflix series “Santa Clarita Diet,” the Emmy-winning FX series “Louie,” spent five years as a panelist on VH1’s “Best Week Ever,” was a reoccurring panelist on “Chelsea Lately,” and starred in two half-hour stand-up specials on Comedy Central. Greg wrote and appeared on the Judd Apatow HBO series “Crashing.” Writing credits include HBO’s “Lucky Louie,” “Cedric the Entertainer Presents,” “Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher,” “The Man Show” and many others. On his mantle beside the four Daytime Emmys he won as a writer and producer on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” sit “The Jury Award for Best Comedian” from The HBO Comedy Arts Festival and a Cable Ace Award for hosting the MTV game show "Idiot Savants." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Sunday. Coming alive from Los Angeles. Why are we not in the same studio? I don't know, but we're not. I have a sound booth that I'm in. Everyone loves the sound. Check, check, check. It looks like it's, I'm going to turn it.

No, that's good. I'm a good mic. You were low last week. No, not. We got a couple. There's no way. You were low. Yes.

What do you want me to say? I'm just telling you what the people are saying. Like my register was low. Maybe you're not close enough to the mic. I don't know. Jesus Christ. I don't have good mic technique. I've never professed to have that.

But I'm wondering that I don't change the level. So can we, Matt's listening to us. Probably not. If he was smart, he wouldn't be. But maybe we just raise mine. Okay. I don't know. I mean, I don't want it to go in the red.

This sounds like a post production meeting. Let's talk about, We got to keep it tight today. From my award-winning career in the medium of television and some radio, I know you don't want to deliver it in the Reds. Better to come in lighter on the audio levels lower. And so that's what I'm doing. Okay, good.

We're keeping it tight because the Kentucky Derby will be run. It's Saturday today. It's Saturday today. So we don't know who's going to win. But my mother, my kids, I have a lot of frequent flyer miles. So I flew my son from New York and my daughter from L.A. down to see my mom in Florida. And she immediately got them up to no good.

They were out. She took them to some restaurant, a lot of drinking, back to the apartment. They were up until one in the morning drinking. And then tomorrow she takes them to the casino. No, first she takes them to church. This is my mom's ritual. Every Sunday, she goes to Mass, and then she drives directly. And by the way, I've been to Mass with her.

Guess where she parks? In the handicapped spot. The one next with it says, for priests only. She parks in. She goes, because she's always late. So she knows that the priests are already there. So that spot's got to be open. And I mean, they owe her for what they did to her sons.

So I think it's a wash. Yeah. And then, so she gets. gets the church late and then she'll, she'll head directly to the casino and they're going to play blackjack. And then probably poker back at the house. They go, they pray for winnings, then they go try to get those winnings. I get it.

And then she's got them betting on the Kentucky Derby today. So I don't know who's running. Yeah, I don't. My Instagram feed told me some dumb story about, this widower and his horse is so happy. Do you ever get the, so maybe, so happy seems to be like, I don't know, seven to one.

So maybe I'll root for so happy. But for the dead chick. But have you, on your algorithm, has it fed your feed, the guy who breaks down data with beautiful drawings? No. I think I've sent him to you and it's been on the group chat. Like, for instance, he did a beautiful illustration, and it's with charts and graphs, different colored pencils. And I know it sounds like I'm describing something not impressive.

It's so impressive. He broke down one I sent around was the stats on umpires and how often they're right and wrong calling. And now, you know, there's going to be, there's cameras and how the cameras will be used. He does all of that. Anyway, he did one on hockey, which was great. He just did one on the Kentucky Derby and how the horses get there. And the legend that it's like horses from around the world, like three or two are going to be from our international. And then it's from every state and all this.

And he's like, not quite. At least five horses have the same dad today. Really? Maybe four and And at least Six horses, I think, are from the same stable in Kentucky Where the father is a sire

He's a sire Well, a couple of hundred grand And you get his seed Wow Per shot There was a 60 minutes To a piece last week about pigeons You know, homing pigeons

It's become this huge sport and the prize pigeons get sold for one of them sold for a million dollars to breed other pigeons and they take them in a truck and they bring them hundreds of miles away and then the first one to return to the nest and go into the little barn wins they win like a million dollars I don't know how a pigeon how does a pigeon spend a million dollars by the way yeah I know Well, Tyson probably takes it from the pigeon. I imagine that's what happened all those years. We had Hicks.

Of course they were Hicks in Shirley Long Island. For those of you that don't know, Shirley is like maybe the second to last town before the Hamptons, before West Hampton. And yet it is full Kentucky. It is full like the image you have when I say Kentucky Hick or Appalachian. I mean, and these were our cousins, cars up on cinder blocks, sofa on the porch, the whole thing. He was like my great, I don't know what great uncle, I guess.

What do you call my grandfather's sister and brother? Like, I don't know. Anyway, eel fisherman had like one tooth. That's how he tie knots. He could tie knots so fast. He'd use these, like, one tooth that was on the top of his mouth. So I've set the table for you. Anyway, they had a homing pigeon.

And one thing we do is we go, they're like, you want to take, what I forget the pigeon's name? I shouldn't, I should remember it. You want to take it to 7-Eleven? Because we would go to 7-Eleven to get like clean water or what? Like we were, I wasn't going to touch. My dad didn't want us touching any of the shit there. And so we'd go to 7-Eleven with the pigeon in our car.

And then he's like, so when you're ready to leave 7-Eleven, just throw the pigeon in the air. and race at home. And he had told my dad, like, the pigeon will beat you. Let's say 7-Eleven's 10 minutes away. He's like, it'll beat you home by nine minutes. And he's like, but you could tell the kids it's close and to look up and maybe you see it. And sure enough, we were lied to for a few years. And we would think we saw the pigeon and we're like, we're going to beat it this time.

Yeah. No, they know what they're doing. Jesus. That's amazing. I love horse racing, and I always wonder, like, do the horses know that if they win the race, they get to breed? Like, that that's the reward. Right.

Like, you get the hottest female horse if you win. Well, slow down. Do you know what breeding means? Having sex with another horse? There is a metal, what looks like the, like, mechanical. bull that you find in a, you know, in a honky tonk bar. It looks like that. And they entice it.

I forget how they do this. They entice it to mount that. And there is a person inside it to collect the load that is shot out. Whoa. Yeah. Are they dressed up like a, what's that job? Are they dressed like a gym sock? What's that job?

What is that job called? I want to know that title. Also, like, are you assistant, whatever that job is or an apprentice? Hey, can I intern on your farm? You're the cum master. Ah, you went there. I was trying to keep it clean. I mean, this is elite racing.

Maybe they should do that for all sports. Instead of paying these guys hundreds of millions of dollars, they just get to pick anybody in the country if they win. They get to have sex with them. I like that. Or in the stadium. And then after the Kentucky Derby, I've invited you to come to Penmar, which is a Philadelphia bar by all rights when you say that?

Yeah, there's a lot of Philadelphia. They are so excited about their 76ers. And I love nothing more than seeing Philly people angry. So I kind of don't really feel strong. I want a close game. I can't tell Dicky that. I'm rooting and George, my brother-in-law, they love the Celtics. I'm rooting for a close game because,

They'll be even more angry, the Philly fans, when they lose. So this is game seven, correct? Yes, with their dumb team. I know we've talked about it. But really, your team's name is the 76ers. Like, it's so, so they, the team in whenever, the 50s or whatever moved from Syracuse, they were already called the nationals. So why don't you just, the Philadelphia nationals, you know, arguably like one of the birthplace,

is of our nation, you know, all that stuff. Why wouldn't you keep that name? And then they had a contest. And this is how stupid Philadelphia is. They voted for set. So it's like, what's that meeting? Is it like, so I just want to be clear. Let's say I'm the guy in that meeting with all these Philly idiots.

They brought one smart person from New York. And I'm like, I just want to, before it, listen, it's your choice. You want urs. You want errs on the jerseys and the hats, ERS, errs. And is it 70 hyphen sixers? And they're like, no, idiot. It will use the numbers. 7, 6.

So it's 7 6 and then errs. No apostrophe here? No, no, that's it. That's where it's going to be. And it's like, all right. And they're like, don't worry though. We're going to call them the sixers. That's what they're going to be called a lot.

So I'm like, that's Roman numeral 6 with ERS. No, idiot. We'll spell that out. We'll spell S-I-X-R-S. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, you got the red socks and the white socks. I don't know who was first, but that's pretty lame. I think that's cute.

All right. Meanwhile, Knickerbockers can't really defend it. They took an internal vote. Get this, because it's related to you a little where you grew up. Washington Irving is sort of indirectly responsible for the New York Knicks being called that. Wait, Tarrytown Native, Washington Irving? You got it, pal. I thought you'd like that little tidbit.

I went to Washington Irving Junior High School. And all the Philly people don't even come at me. I'm not defending the name Nickerbockers. Do you know what Knickerbockers means? I think you're supposed to say Necro-Bockers at this point. That would be better. Yes. Marble Bakers.

Marble Bakers? Yes. It's a Dutch name. and then it got elite connotations, and then Washington Irving shortened, no, he was the first maybe to use Nicker-Bocker, I think, to describe rich New Yorkers. It sounds like you've taken riddle in

and gone down the rabbit hole on the internet for a little while. I've got about four minutes left, and it's going to be a giant crash. No, I know what it is? I think you're right. I took Sudafed after a half hour of trying to open the package. Oh, I know. Sometimes I think about older people trying to open.

That's what it is. I am like half the shit, just like, you know, deli meat that you buy from the supermarket. Like, good luck getting that open without your teeth, scissors, strong grip. You know, half the things that are packaged are impossible to open. And you're, you know, in these, by definition, you're opening it when you feel like shit. So now you're adding that to the mix. Yes. So I'm a little out of it.

In the last 24 hours, I have flown to Seattle, did a show, hung out all night with the other comics who were great. And then flew home. And I'll tell you, that CETAC airport is a bear. You got to take a train. Any airport we got to take a train. train. I want to avoid. It's not,

I'm not taking a train. I'm not a commuter. I'm a fucking, I'm flying. I'm, I'm an air passenger. Don't involve tracks. Not on spirit.

Spirit's gone. I, I successfully use Spirit. My daughters are bummed. It's gone. How are poor people going to get to Vegas to blow their paychecks every year? It was a flight and a show.

There was usually two fights. Here's the thing about poor people. is, and I realized this last night, I'm in Seattle and I was performing at this fancy country club. And, you know, I got paid a good amount of money for 80 people. And you realize what they're paying per person when you realize what I'm getting paid. But they don't care because it's a club. And you go up there and I immediately am like, well, don't worry, guys.

I always give 100% for the 1%. And just start mocking. everything and the guy who went on ahead of me who was hilarious wait what's his name fuck it i got to i got to find his name i really liked this guy um he was really going after them and you can't offend the rich by calling them rich or calling them uh reptilian or you'd bring up trilateral commission any of that stuff they're fine they just but if you make fun of poor people Oh, they won't have it. Well, that's one of the lines.

I don't think we'll use it in the Kevin Hart roast at the top. If you're not a fan of comedy punching down, I would change the channel. That should be the logo, just a boxing glove aimed down. Yeah. No, wait, where was this club? Bellevue, Washington, just outside of Seattle. Because you did the same thing, man, you killed it at the club here. in L.A. I saw you at. Same Booker. Same Booker who booked me there. Yep. Jason. He's great dude. Oh, my God. They love,

I think it helps their white guilt. You know what I mean? When you shit on them. Yeah. It's kind of like how CEOs like being sexually, you know, humiliated and stuff and they pay for it. Right. It's, it bound, there's a balance. Now their internal sort of temperature feels a little better. Right. So, yeah. I mean, Seattle's a fucking gritty town, man. There's a lot of drug addicts there. Yeah.

I know. I don't know. I mean, with all, I mean, the rain is a little overstated. I told you, Nashville gets more rain. Not more rainy days, but more rain. No, but with the environment is changing, it's way less rain than it used to be. Oh, wow. Yeah.

So I'm doing. Oh, yeah. That's something I'm going to, I'm going to start. putting in a water story every week. And some weeks maybe I don't have it, kind of like we don't have science every week. But the water going into this summer, it is not good in so many places.

Well, didn't you say the Colorado River is going to run out of water? Well, it was the Colorado River. And also, when the dam lowers, very briefly, I think I might have, anyway, the dam can't go too low. Otherwise, it doesn't work. Like the Hoover Dam?

I think it might be the Hoover. like the engineering is based on it being a certain, you know, whatever it is anyway. And then, of course, the Florida Aquafour, which I think I did talk about. No, what's incredible is with all the outrage about politics and world wars and all this stuff, nothing is existentially more threatening than the environment. And it was not mentioned once during the last election. And it's not, and I haven't heard it mentioned in the last year and a half. No, he mocks.

When it's mentioned, he mocks. he mocks the green movement. He mocks not just the green movement. He mocks people who are open to any green initiative or concern. Right. Anyway, our thanks to Bob this week. It's a logo of us being arrested on the floor of the wherever the correspondent there was. The Hilton. I think it might have been the Hilton.

The Hilton? Wait, have you seen the new footage? This is what Greg's trying to talk about is we're on the floor like the shooter at the press, what you're going to call it? Correspondence. Press Corps, yeah. So have you seen this new angle of footage before he ran? No. So the conspiracy theorists are going nuts because you see an armed guard.

You see the guy that got almost run over, right? So now it's an angle that's coming more. it's basically it's as if it's wider right and you see the two metal detectors and you see them like milling around and it's very slow and you see an armed guy with a big assault rifle or or a rifle look into a room that's right off of that lobby a door and he kind of goes in the door a little and he kind of checks and then he like nods or whatever and then he comes out and I'm there is then like no delay, the guy flies out of that door, our guy. Really?

And right through the metal detector past the other guy who, you know, we've all seen already. Like, and everyone's like, what was that interaction? Shit. Did he, I mean, benefit of the doubt. Did he have the rifle? He had multiple weapons. Well, look what assassination attempts are a spike. for a politician's popularity.

It's incredible if you look at the numbers over the years. It happened with Reagan when Brady got shot. It happened with Trump when he got shot in the year. It's like I'm not saying they did do it. But like 9-11, conspiracy theorists get excited about it because the upside of the incident is so huge for the vested interest in this. Like 9-11, it allowed us to go into the Middle East, which they've been wanting to do for a long time. The government has no interest in quieting down conspiracy theories.

Right. Even with Charlie Kirk, it's like, yeah, look over here. Let them spin their wheels over here. Please don't focus on, you know, what's going on in the Epstein files or Iran or whatever it is that affects national, real national issues. And it's like, same with the, same with the Trump ear shooter. I bet you there is a very watertight explanation

of what happened so like if the government did want to shut it up they could be like hey everybody please be with your families work hard let's get the economy going we're going to lay out why it was a legitimate assassination yeah here it is

here are the facts and they're not doing even remotely that the song this week I can't I can't remember who it's from, but it was great. We need more songs from you guys. Send them in to Fitzdog Radio at gmail.com. We are very low. The needle is on E.

So anything you send in, we'll use. Let's just say that right now. Corrections. Ryan in Chicago says, Hey, Greg, love the pod. Sometimes you mispronounce words. And it's weird because you seem intelligent. Oh.

I, you know, I seem way more intelligent than I really am. You recently compared the acronym NASA to Nassau, Bahamas. NASA is pronounced with an a at the end, not an awe. Barclay. Well, I think Barclay, and not to take anything away from me being unintelligent, but the joke I was making was that the sheets that we promote, the technology comes from NASA, and I made the joke that not NASA and the Bahamas,

but the space NASA. So that was intentional. I'm reading the next correction, sorry. Why don't you read it out loud? By the way, you, I don't think you just said this. You corrected yourself on the fly with that. Probably, yeah, because I'm very intelligent. During an ad for the technology in a sponsor we have is NASA.

Okay. This correction is specifically for Mike. please tell him that if he's putting creamer or whipped cream in coffee, he needs to reevaluate his life. I already am, man, or buy better coffee. Is that all it will take? Then I can stop. Are you reevaluating your life right now, would you say? Oh, my God.

Oh, I was going to bring it up as an issue. I was going to try to find a story. I think everyone, listen, we are doing one story. We'll talk about it when we talk about the Gen Z, I think it is, story down below. Okay. So it's a shame that somebody that had an ad on his show about a friend that is roasting coffee had to put creamer in it. Good coffee does not need anything. And if you're going to put anything in it and make it milk. You know, I've never heard that, believe it or not. No, no. If you go to good coffee shops, I remember there was a sign in a coffee shop up in Northern California.

And it said, half and half, please do not use. It's insulting. Like, yeah, great coffee you're not supposed to put anything in. And I'm a little bit. It's like putting ice cubes in good scotch. I'm a coffee snob who has no, you know, like principal about it. Like I really love, but I'll drink Dunkin' Donuts. I don't give a shit. I just love coffee.

But I do, I got into it for a while and an espresso maker. So I did never heard that because like I think they froth half and half. I think they froth cream like in Italy. I could be wrong. Maybe they're even going to have half an afternoon. Yeah. Anyway, no, no, but this guy would say they're frothing milk. Right.

And then let's give him his joke. He says, I'm guessing that if he's putting creamer in coffee, he probably puts Coca-Cola and peppy van Winko Bourbon. Oh, don't even say it out loud. No, every place I order even a tequila soda or vodka soda. and it's not impressive when I'm there with someone I don't know but I'm like yeah I love a tequila soda they're like what kind I'm like cheapest you got because you are putting it in club soda exactly no it's like putting

don parignon in a mimosa yeah that's exactly what it's like so that was from man manolo Matos he said he sent it with love I appreciate it man and I'm going to do it I'm going to switch my order to milk I am so excited about the new material I've been doing lately, and you can come see it at the Brea Improv on May 8th, Boston. Boston's going to sell out. Laughston, May 29th and 30th. That's my home turf. Then I'm heading up to Rochester, New Hampshire, to the Opera House on the 5th, a gunk with Maine on June 6th. Also dates coming up in St. Pete, Cincinnati, Columbus. Go to Fitzdog.com, get some tickets. Come on out. And also shout out to Gotham Productions, who does. does our podcast and does a fine job. And we appreciate their recent push. Our numbers are going up. Tell your friends, spread the word.

My audio levels going up. Audio levels are going up. Everything is just rainbows and puppy dogs. I bet they heard that. Also, look, let's talk about something that I'm glad we get some of these ads because it's a way for us to share things that we care about. Sometimes people think about like if you have a company and you're missing calls or you're not getting back to people fast, you're blowing it. It's so hard to get incoming calls.

You want to make the most out of every one of them. And when you blow it, it adds up. So you got messages coming in from everywhere. You got no real system to keep track of it. That's where something like Quo makes a difference. Everybody on the team has one shared business. numbers. So everyone can see the conversations, reply quickly, stay on the same page. No more. Did you answer that? Or who is handling this client? You need this more than anyone. It's basically a

cleaner, smarter way to run your business communication without things slipping through the cracks. My son works for a company in New York and they use it and they swear by it. They love it. So try Quo QUO for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash papers. That's QUO.com slash papers. Quo, no missed calls, no missed customers. Can I get a crinkle? Yes, you're going to get a crinkle.

You know what I just read? It's old news. Wait, what would we crankle? What would we crankle? I have a little note that was written to me, by our friends, mom. This is from, I call her still Mrs. Stout. Oh, Lisa.

And it was recommendations on books. So before I crinkle it, I'm going to read them to you. Feast of Love by a guy named Charles Baxter. All of Elizabeth Strout's books. Olive Kittridge, Burgess Boyo. I am Lucy Banton. Olive Kittredge is amazing. I think I won the Pulitzer.

Oh, William. and tell me everything. Yeah. So there we go. But we are going to use this beautiful note from her. Look at that wreath. I got it around Christmas time.

Here we go. It's C from day. By the way, my reading continues, Greg. Oh, good for you. What are you reading now? I am reading a book that only because I've heard so much about it is the only reason I haven't stopped.

I think part of its art is making it the most boring thing ever. it's called stoner is it about a stoner far from it oh okay anyway that's all I'll say I'm sure a lot of listeners now are like

stick with it I am going to stick with it and we'll see it's kind of all the rave it's very in right now all right anyway well I have just finished a book called The Rabbit Hutch by Tess Gunty and it is incredible

so well-written, such a fucking dark lead character of the protagonist is this woman who's so interesting, highly recommended. And the Cameron Crowe, I finished, and my recommendation is four-fifths of the book is awesome. The last fifth isn't so bad, but, boy, is he, listen, he's working through the grief over his mom, and it got very personal in that.

But it's like, man, I hate to say it, Cameron, but your mom cannot follow David Bowie. It's just that simple. Right. You know, like nothing against her. She's amazing. We all saw her and almost famous. But, oh, my God, the first four-fifths of that book.

Yeah, put it up front. All right. A senior JP Morgan, exact. Oh, no, this is your story. Well, no. This is interesting. You read the part that's not highlighted because you put in the story before there was a massive update. Oh, okay.

go for it a senior so don't read the the bold part no you can read it but i would i would i would hurry through it because a senior jp morgan executive has been accused of sexually assaulting racially abusing and drugging a junior employee and we are off the algorithm lorna hadjdeenie 37 was accused of coercing a married banker into non-consensual and humiliating sex acts all sex acts are humiliating if you're Irish Catholic. Of course. And threatening his career when he refused her advances. The accuser has been identified as 35-year-old Chirayu Rana.

So this is Indian on Indian. Rana has claimed that he was verbally abused by Hajdani after he broke down in tears during one of the alleged unwanted sexual encounters. Hajdini, an executive director in J.P. Morgan Chase's leveraged. Finance Division. That's big money. Alleged admitted to drugging Rana with a date rape drug on multiple occasions. So she's in the leverage fine. She is good at leveraging. Here's the update. Okay. JP, and a lot of people sniff this out. A former JP Morgan staffer, whom sources identified as Chi Rai U Rana has been accused of making fabricated sexual harassment claims.

against her after an internal investigation found no evidence of wrongdoing. Dude, he made it all up. Of course he did. You don't get an erection on a date rape drug. I mean, I could be wrong. I could stand corrected. But it seems to me if your eyelids are shut and your breathing is slowed down, you're not popping a boner. So no one's getting sexually molested.

He had accused, as you said, of being a sex slave, drugging him, roofing him, Viagreying him. him. I made it a verb. Oh, I see. Threatening to slash his bonus if he did not comply. He forced him to encounter in the employee's apartment. He removed her shirt and insulted the employee. Oh, she removed her shirt and insulted the employee's wife.

So have you read the things that he has come up with that he put in his boss's mouth? I just reading it now as you say it. She took off her shirt and he knew his wife was Asian and he was. He said, I bet your little Asian fish head wife doesn't have these cannons. Wow. If you don't fuck me soon, I'm going to ruin you. Never forget, I effing own you. Also, he'd just receive a text once in a while.

Birthday BJ for the brown boy, my little brown boy. Wait, so how do we know this is all made up? Because they found no evidence. And now it's also been retracted. The whole, his whole suit has been retracted. Wow. It's the one sexual assault by a woman story we've had all year, and it turns out to be fake. And the one story you were referring to was when she also went off on him when she was going down on him and he couldn't get it up.

And there was all this like crazy language, kind of like we just read. aimed at him. And so this is what we've learned now that even in this guy's fiction, he can't get it up. Right, right, right. You're not even a hero in your own story? Yeah. You know, you would think someone who commits hostile takeovers for a living would have a higher moral standard about all these things. How about what the wife learned about her husband?

Yeah. That's what you wrote about me. Right. Yeah. Can we unpack this, honey? I'm your little Asian fish head. Yeah. That's a tough one to come back from.

These are not cannons? What are these bullets? But also, I got to say, I was a little bummed out. This guy's good at numbers and writing. Like, I always envy those people. Yeah, I got to say, these are the lowest. people in America. These leveraged finance people, they are literally the ones that come in and destroy small businesses. Well, private equity from everything my algorithm is telling me is about

to take the most massive hit ever. Well, you know, well, they were trying to buy up single family homes. They own something like 20% of all home sales in this country, if not 40%, are done by these private equity markets. And the government is trying to enact some legislative. to stop it right now, but knowing how in bed they are with big money, let's see if that regulation ever happens. By most metrics, the housing market in Florida, Texas, Nashville, and California are going down. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Because nobody can afford homeowners insurance anymore. Oh, it's so, yeah, and the interest rate, which is now going to be going up. they think again because of treasuries. Okay, we are not a finance podcast. Do you have anything else to say about this story? No, why don't you move on? A survey of 2000 Americans found that one in three say they're currently experiencing an existential crisis with Gen Z leading all generations at 52%. Stressful was the most common word Americans used to describe 2026 so far. 35% of respondents said they've already absorbed an average of two major unplanned life changes this year. Bad Bunny Super Bowl had to be won, but that was in the plus cow.

But I mean, also, Gen Z, you know, a major unplanned life change for Gen Z is like they don't have oat milk, so now I have to use soy. Yeah, Uber Eats was late. Yeah. Financial pressure is a dominant driver across all age groups with a separate survey finding 87% of Americans believe the country is in an affordability crisis and half struggle to pay basic bills. Despite widespread anxiety. Wait, half the people in the country struggle to pay basic bills. That's profound.

That's a lot of people. Something else came across my feed. Of course, it's feeding me what I want to read. But there was a study done. I'm not going to remember what city. but the amount of people who were laid on car payments, they have an exact percentage was alarming. Yeah.

No, people are living paycheck to paycheck, and AI is taking jobs, so I don't know where this ends. There's going to be universal minimum health minimum payments to people pretty soon. I also saw a story of a well-to-do guy in New York City. He has two kids, and he's like, well, I'm opting out. here you can relate to this Greg more than most he's like here is my health care situation the deductible was insanely high oh it's the same as mine he's paying he's paying 40 or 50 000 dollars a year for his two kids I saw the clip and he's like I and he broke it down he's like

it was basically 2,800 a month or whatever is so I'm going to put that 2,800 month aside save it And also, you know, with that deductible, it makes all the sense in the world that you want to have insurance. Yeah, but the problem is one of your kids gets diabetes, which is a lifelong disease. It takes a lot of medication or, you know, you've got a fucking, you know, heart defect and, you know, needs a million dollars. Like, you can't, you can't do that. The only way you can do that is- Disown your kid. Get them below the poverty line.

Put them down. There are co-ops that people do where you can get a collective of a thousand people people and everybody puts it into a pool. They hire a small management company to deal with the money. And then that's enough of a cushion unless, you know, everybody gets sick. Oh, I love that. I love when it's smaller because now, of course, everyone's like who's weighing down the system and all that.

But if it's like, imagine if it was a commune, like the retirement place that Malloy's at. Like where you'd see them eating in the, you know, in the common areas. And I'd be like, surely don't have that piece of pie. Like, sure, you, your diabetes is now going to type two. It's killing us. It's killing us. Put the pie down. Yeah.

Well, I mean, that's how it is. The longest living people in the world, they have these. areas and they call them something zones. And the people that live the longest, there's a sense of community. They exercise together. They keep an eye on each other's. It is like what they're eating. It's community.

It's the way it used to be where you talk to seven neighbors a day and you're exchanging information and you're checking on one another. And I mean, one of them was in Orange County. one was in China. Like these spots exist all over and they all have these things in common, these elements of a sense of community and accountability. Yeah.

Well, now it's like, I almost think the phrase with parenting and just generally should be like, talk to strangers. Yeah. We were growing up, it was like, you had enough connections, so don't talk to strangers. Right. Now it's like, Jesus Christ,

don't pick weirdos. but talk to strangers. I talk from the second I get into my Uber until the time they drop me off, I am talking to my driver. Really? I don't even plan on it, but I know they are.

If somebody seems like they don't want to talk or they don't speak English, but if they speak French, I will have a conversation in French the entire ride. What is it? In Spinal Tap, he's like, you know what, Sammy Davis Jr.,

book is called like I could I'm slaughtering it because it's based on one of his songs but he's like you know what sammy david's juries book should be going I could because frank said I could and they're like in the wind they just they they they they raised the window between the limo driver and the back oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was um what was that actor's name very italian name yeah yeah yeah yeah oh he died too he was great yeah he was in when harry met sally you know kirby Bruno Kirby. Look at me, man. I should be taking drugs every day like suit of fat.

The other thing I want to say about this story is, granted, it's a crazy world right now. But is this another example of this specific generation feeling special and that this feeling of dread in your 20s and 30s is unique to them? Yes, that's true. What do you think I was feeling when I'm like, I would literally, I could literally, I could. I could feel myself wanting to run through a wall listening to the clash or everyone hold up in their room with Joni Mitchell's blue. Like, what do you think that was? Yeah, I mean, in the 60s, people had, you know, in the 50s, it was all about nuclear war, you know, like planned drills where you stick your head between your legs in the coat closet in class.

And, you know, every generation's had something. But they've had a lot. Like, I think about what my kids have been through with COVID, school. shootings, you know, just the, the environment, you know, it being sort of laid out. But I mean, this says one out of three all people. I mean, I'm not stressed out because I work in Hollywood and the business is doing great. And I think we're really on top of the environment. I think my kids are both going to be able to afford a house one day.

I'm going to retire in five years and Social Security. will definitely be there. It's a cake wall. Peace is about to break out in the Middle East. I'm fine. Right. Exactly. Oh, and also, everybody on my dad's side of the family dies by the age of 53,

which may be good news at this point. I know what you're saying about, and those are existential things. They really are. 9-11, when you're in grammar school, that's a perspective changer. I give you that. But I do remember going to the Bronx, back to the Bronx, to visit my grandmother. And it was a culture of every neighborhood lost someone in Vietnam. Literally, the person's gone.

A brother in that house, a brother in that apartment, a brother over there. And, like, that was very, I mean, I was seeing neighborhoods like in mourning. And, you know, when I was late to it, but it was still the repercussions of it. And that was a big one. Like, is it bigger than 9-11? I don't know. It was more personal in many cases. I mean, obviously, way more people died in World War II than Vietnam.

But it was, I think that the narrative of it let people accept it more because it was a just war in, you know, in our minds, as opposed to Vietnam, where by the end of it, everybody saw it as, you know, these people died in vain. It's kind of a funny sketch where then all of a sudden, someone walks in from like the Civil War era. Yes, tell me more about your Vietnam setbacks. More people died on the weekend skirmish at Gettysburg than in the entire Vietnam War. Oh, it's true. It's true.

I know. I know. I mean, 600,000 people died during the Civil War. It was insane. But at least we'll never have a... Another one, right? Yeah. I don't think the Civil War is not very confusing.

I don't think people know who they're shooting anymore. Well, I was thinking when we have the next Civil War. A lot of the right is mixed now. Well, it used to be north and south and now it's going to be red and blue. But if you look at the states and where they will line up, there's not a single state that's changed sides in 150 years. The next Civil War will be the same lineup as the first one. You can thank us. We are not, we chose not to talk about this Supreme Court fucking bullshit that's going on.

Yeah. And the despicable, shameful setback to this country. So we're not going to go there. That's all I'm saying. But it's crazy. A former top scientist from Harvard has defected to China, giving China the edge in a global race to develop the world's first AI. Super Soldier. I want to see that movie. Charles Lieber, the former chair of Harvard's Chemistry Department, has resurfaced as the founding director of Shanzanz Institute for Brain Research

Interfaces and Neurotechnologies, also known as Eye Brain. Scientists in the military wing of the Chinese Communist Party have been working on brain computer interfaces. Lieber is one of the world's leading researchers in the field to boost mental agility and situational awareness to engineer super soldiers. Libra was convicted in 2021 of lying to the feds about his ties to China and retired from Harvard in 2003. Anyway, he's been getting this money from China for a while and hiding it from the IRS. And so he is now in China, making $750,000 a year to $750,000 a year to set them up. And it's like, first of all, why do the Chinese need AI super soldiers? Have you seen these fuckers do kung fu? They are super soldiers. All right. In reading this story

this morning, I came up with my joke, which was when I saw the 28 Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, I was, one of my thoughts was, we should just surrender. Like white, White flat. I still don't know what I'm watching when I watch that thing. And having now seen a bunch of Olympics since that are pathetic, they're like junior high school attempts at putting on a show like the Chinese did. But I literally think if that were like in some battlefield and you're ready to go, like almost like the opening scene like Gladiator.

And then this one general comes out. They mean in the middle. And he's like, hey, listen, we just want to show you a little thing we cooked up. It's not violent. It's literally, actually it's entertainment. We just want to show you this. And then they put on what the fucking Chinese put on in Beijing. The other side would just lay down.

Like we, this is like what they're talking about. It's like a AI robot. It's next level. Yes. And just go. It's one of those things. Listen, I live alone here. Sometimes I'll have one too many wines or whatever.

And I'll be like, fucking let me watch a crazy music talk. Let me watch what like, where I'll get stoned and be like, let me put on something that's going to blow my mind. It is kind of remarkable how many times I will put on the Beijing opening ceremony. No way. Oh, no, no. There's so many levels to it. It begins with the drummers, never mind then the Godzilla footprints crossing the city that gets to the stadium. But the thing was, and this last thing I'll say about it, is when these drummers, and then there's, by the way,

whole a whole planet comes out of the floor at one point and then it turns into an aquarium. But anyway, when these drummers and then the boxes, when these drummers finish and you're just like, it's kind of like, you know, oh, those chants that the rugby teams do, when they finish, it's the most intimidating thing ever. I think strategically, go watch it. They had the men wave like, thank you. Like it was the queerest, most effeminate. wave ever. Wait, what guys were waving? The drummers. Like, the drummers go, do, do, and they finish, and you're just like, that, that thing could take over the earth. Like, that's the scariest thing I've ever seen. Then they're like, thank you, thank you. And they wave their hands all fluid,

like noodles. And it's like, I think they were just like, oh, look, I'm human. I'm human. It's like catching a snake eating something. And then it'd be like, oh, no, I want to be pet. It's like, you're eating my cat. No, that's what they're going to do when we meet them in battle. They're going to fucking mow us down And then what did you say flopped their arms around like wet noodles? Yeah, well like they're just it was incredibly It was the opposite of like intimidating Yes

Like they they it was a complete switch Like it was the most badass thing Through the last drum beat And then they just wave like girls Hilarious Yeah All right let's do an ethical question Girls with noodle arms

Okay here we go I love. Ethical question. We got a couple, man. Well, first of all, we had mail. We had mail on the ethical question from last week. I could have put this under corrections, but I put it here. I reckon you're going to hear from other listeners on this one. On a previous episode, you posed the exact same ethical question to Mike about whether he would save his daughter or his niece if they were drowning. You also followed it up with the same anecdote about catching your son. and your nephew, not my nephew, but my neighbor,

falling and buying him a Spider-Man suitcase. The fact that Mike didn't notice the repetition confirms that you're both in the early stages of dementia. Take it each. Probably. Did you not remember that I told that story before? No, but listen, I very often, I'll try to remember to apologize.

Like, I've talked about that Chinese Beijing Olympics before. We repeat things. I mean, shame on him for listening every week. Right. What are you? What are you? Get a life. Smartless is available for free.

Yeah. And you get three really big celebrities who do not need the money, taking ad revenues from, you know, grassroots podcasts that have been going for 15 years. So go listen to them. Support guys that are also doing Rolex commercials. Who has, yeah. And voiceovers in Pixar movies where they're paid $3 million. Go support them.

Who is dementia? Us or the guy that forgets how bad we were six days earlier? Right. Come on. All right. New ethical question has never been asked on this program. A homeless person's pet needed help. Should I have tried to buy it?

Of course. Yes. The sub, I'm, you know, I'm not going into the article. The sub headline is, I could tell that the man loved his cat, but also that he was unable to provide. proper care for it. I think it's a win, win, win. It's a win for the homeless guy.

It's a win for the cat. And it's a win for you. You take it. You know, if you take it to a humane society, they will pay. It doesn't even cost you money. They will pay for the, I shouldn't say this. But I know a lot of times they pay for medical care for feral cats, which I would consider, that's a feral cat. Not the human owner.

Don't be confused. The animal. I'm talking about the animal. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the humans fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and we've said this joke on the program before.

I think it's Norm McDonald's, but he talks about the homeless man with a dog. Yeah, yeah. And the look on the dog's face is like, I could have done this on my own. I know. I like to think of this ethical question, though, that should I have tried to buy it? And it turns out he stole it instead? It's a much easier ethical question then. Okay, I had an affair with my wife, my friend's wife, should I tell him?

Now, hold on, important sub-thing, so it's not as much of a slam dunk. I didn't even know he was married, let alone to her. Interesting. Do you want to hear one more detail? Yeah. It's not a joke. First line of the article. Not long ago, I met a woman entirely by chance.

in an art class that I wandered into. So she was married, do we know if she was married to this guy, the friend at the time? Yes, she was. So they must not have been good friends or he would have known his wife. So these are, this is a casual friendship. So I don't think there's any need for him to tell a casual friend that he had sex with a wife unknowingly. I agree. also, I think it's on the merry guy.

Any wife who's taking an art class at night, there's something going on. My mom used to take art classes at night. Yeah. And she went to one and our neighbor, Dr. Schaefer, was in the class. You got to remember, my mom is very, very Catholic. And there was a nude model who took off all of her clothes. and my mother was horrified that she was sitting with our neighbor who she did we don't we were not close to dr schaefer he was very shut off he was not a warm guy especially when dr schaefer started performing an exam an unwanted exam on the model yeah right um all right those are the

ethicals what okay we got this day in history we got uh or this entertainment stories let's do this entertainment story, yeah. Hold on. You find a little wrap. Oh, yeah. I saw this. I thought it was really funny. We were in the writer's room this week, and all of a sudden,

alert came on, like, just from, like, Variety or Hollywood Reporter. And it had this story. I'm like, I bet this story has already been optioned. Pavel Talankan, co-director and subject of the Academy Award-winning Mr. Nobody Against Putin, that was a documentary, says his trophy vanished. after TSA agents forced him to check it, and then the airline lost it. Talanquin, who was flying home to Europe out of New York's JFK airport on Wednesday, claims airport security refused to let him take his statue on board as a carry-on and forced him to check it.

The award was packed into a small box and put at the bottom of the aircraft. When he arrived in Frankfurt, it was gone. Meanwhile, you can bring a fucking, you can bring a Dalmatian named Oscar on the plane. but you can't bring an Oscar. I know. And anyway, the story goes on to say, other flights have let him bring it on and all that stuff. So, what the hell was the problem here?

But last scene in Queens. Somewhere there's a pawn shop in Queens with a gold statue on the shelf. I mean, look, the government didn't pay these TSA people for 90 days. What did you think was going to happen? Go to any pawn shop near an air. airport, I guarantee you it's going to be a gold mine. There's going to be slightly used suitcases, $2,000 skis, Greg Fitzsimmons, pins. Oh, right.

Yes. I like it. Someone in the room goes, like, that's ridiculous. They didn't let him go on. Like, what could he possibly do with the Oscar on a flight? I'm like, probably get blown in the bathroom. I'm guessing. Or he just walks around.

With his Oscar in his hand asking people, what are you watching? Yeah. Hmm. Not that great. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe the producers from La La Land took it. Remember, Moonlight took theirs away?

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah, that was a great moment. Okay. We're going to make America Florida. Okay. There we go. Central Florida man exposed his genitals at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru.

The victim told deputies, was handling the customer, handing the customer's food and saw his exposed genitals with a bluish-green circular object, which she believed was a sex toy around his penis. It might have been the penis, too. They later spoke with the guy at his home, and he admitted to going through the Chick-fil-A drive-thru earlier that day. He also confirmed that he owned a bluish-green vibrating sex toy, which he had with him in the car. However, he denied that he was wearing it at the time, and he denied.

having his genitals exposed. But during subsequent interviews, he revealed he had indeed been wearing the sex toy while heading through the drive-through claiming to have been testing a mode on the sex toy, which would adjust the vibration speed based on how fast he was traveling. He stated that he did not believe his genitals or the device would be visible under his shorts, but it may have accidentally popped out. Now, in terms of the vibration being dependent on the speed, do you want the vibration more intense at high speeds?

Or does that make you out of control, and you really just want it getting you aroused when you're at a red light? I think it's like the radio. The radio, you know, radios can adjust now, and they get quieter when you go slower. Right, right. And it's tied to that. I would think that, you know, at Chick-fil-A,

they always ask you if you want to eat it in the car. I got to think with your balls and shaft hanging out, you don't want the deep fried chicken about a foot and a half above where you're eating it. Yeah. Chick-fil-A meanwhile has done nothing. They were originally up in arms, but they thought the employee was a guy. So they thought it was gay and they were going crazy.

Then they found out it was just a female employee. So that's fine. That's fine for Chick-fil-A. I just don't want people getting excited in a homosexual arrangement. Yeah, that's why they're closed on Sundays. I swear to God, every Sunday I get a hankering for Chick-fil-A and it's closed. And I just go, seriously? Really?

I remember all our East Coast listeners will know this. Was it Stewart's Root Beer? Or there was another one on the Jersey, all the Jersey highways. and it was in rest stops. It was in the rest stops on like the Jersey Turnpike and all these places. It was like Stewart's Rootbee or something like that and you could pull in and it's been around forever. And they were, because of religion, they were closed on Sundays. I'm like, you're closed on a Sunday on the interstate system.

And all along the Jersey shore, are you insane? in the most Jewish state in the country. Also, like, you know, there was, what's the senator or the congressman from Texas, tat, tat something? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a football coach, I think. Tat, I mean, anyway, he was questioning in an open forum thing. He was questioning this legislator that was putting through a Ten Commandments bill for the schools. And he goes, okay, so just to go through the Ten Commandments, which is the Sabbath day?

And she goes, it's Sunday. And he goes, and what's today? And she says Sunday. And he goes, so you're telling these kids, you want to post a rule in their school, telling them not to do something that you are doing. now to get it to happen. And he picked apart like three of the commandments that she was breaking at the time. I saw James Talariko do this. Is that who you're talking about?

That's who it is. That's who is. He's from Texas and he's very, very religious. So he had such authority and he dismantled her. Yes, it was great. And he's been on Rogan a couple. Rogan loves this guy. Dude, he's a future superstar.

I mean, hopefully there's no skeletons in his class. He's so articulate. He's so articulate. He, unlike me, you can't tell he's about to destroy someone. Like, it's not, you don't see the veins in his neck. He does it in such a nice way. Yeah. Very, very clear-headed.

Yeah. It's like there's way less of an ego there. But he also used Jesus against her. He's like, you know what it then says. And he would cite the passage where it's like, do not under any, any like do not push this religion. It's very personal. It's private.

Should not be outside of your house or place of worship. And he's like, and about adultery. She goes, he goes, are you aware of any of the Christian senators engaging in? He broke down everywhere. It was so great. Oh, lying all of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, we're going to make America, Wisconsin again. Here we go. This came in from Brian, who emailed it to the Fitzdog. Hey man, let's make America, Wisconsin. This is what Brian says. Here we've got a kid who apparently crawled into a claw machine and had to be rescued. So Madison, Wisconsin, two-year-old boy was safely rescued by the fire department after becoming trapped inside the claw machine at cool, sweet treats. The toddler crawled through the prize retrieving opening and firefighters freed him within two minutes without causing damage to the machine or injuring the child.

So the footage is of this kid in there. And he's sitting with the stuffed animals in this claw machine. And immediately I thought, this looks like a game that would have been at one of Epstein's parties. Can you get the toddler out? And it's yours if you win them. And the saddest part is they had to call the fire department because the parents ran out of quarters. And this is absolutely true. I don't know if I'm bragging or if I'm ashamed of this or maybe both.

But when I saw the footage, it looked like a little Asian kid. I'm like, oh, this is fake. Because it did look fake. I'm like, how did he get in there? Yeah. And I then, but my mind went to, I don't think that's happening. I don't think that's happening on an Asian parents watch with their two-year-old. And then I saw the boy's name was Lohan Gutierrez.

And I'm like, not that it's, especially. It's like, oh, non-Asian. It's one of us. Like, I could be in that thing. I don't have Asian parents. You don't have Asian parents, Greg. We could have easily been in that. Yeah, yeah.

Now, we could have been anywhere. I mean, they wouldn't even know. I got lost at them all a couple times. Oh, no, me too. Yeah. You know that great Ronnie Dangerfield joke. He's like, he's like, I was at the mall when I was a kid and I got lost.

I went up to the police officer. was that, hey, I lost my parents. And the cops like, oh, we'll try, kid, but there's so many places they could hide. That's great. This day? Yeah, let's do this day in history, right now. All right.

I think we have some okay ones, which I normally don't say. All right, the first Grammy Awards were presented on this weekend. I'm not going to tell you who won. I'll tell you after. I want you to guess, give or take 15 years. When do you think the first Grammy Awards were presented? First Grammys. I got to think.

Yeah, 15 years. Pre-rock. I'm thinking pre-rock, probably. So what's that? The 50s? I'm going to go early 50s. 53. Look at you, man.

You did it. 59. who won? Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, and the Kingston Trio are the ones they list here. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder what Sinatra won for.

Yeah, that's, yeah, whatever album came out that year. He came out with like an album a year, I think. Yeah, yeah. He started really getting going. Okay, let's find another one here. We got, I don't want to do Lou Gehrig. You're not great on the baseball we learned. No, baseball's not really, I think.

The United States purchased a Louisiana territory from France, doubling the country's size. We paid $15 million, which bought about $828,000 square miles west of the Mississippi, give or take 50 years. When do you think America more than doubled its size? Well, a lot of those states were around during the Civil War, so I know we own them then. So it had to be 17, late 1700, 1780. 1803.

Nice. How many years? You gave me 50 years. I did it. You did it. You're two for two. Okay. You're not going to, oh, God.

The King James version of the Bible was first published, give or take 75 years. Oh, Jesus. Well, there's a clue in the name. All right. Well, St. Paul, I think St. Paul was around. Hold on. Let me reread the question. The King James Version of the Bible was first published.

Okay, so King James would have been British, right? I'm guessing. Not necessarily, but maybe. So that would have been, I'll say 1,200 AD. Good Lord. By the way, I would have just flailed and guessed, but it was 1611. Wow. How many years did you give me?

75. The Kentucky Derby was televised nationally for the first time this weekend. In what year, I'll tell you, the winning horse was Hill Gale. H-I-L-G-A-I-L. That's a bad name for a horse. you can do better than that. Eddie Akara was the jockey. I kind of know that name.

He's Hall of Famer, I think. Anyway, give or take 10 years. When was it first televised nationally? 1951. Oh, you're terrible. 1952. Really?

Yes. Hey now. Okay. Last one. Margaret Mitchell won the Pulitzer Prize for her, enormously popular novel, Gone with the Wind, which was made into an Academy Award-winning motion picture. So what year did, so she won the prize. So I think it was the year it came out or probably the next year, I'm guessing.

So what year are we talking about here, give her take 10 years? All right, so obviously it was post-Civil War. so late 1800s to early 1900s I'll just split the difference in say 1905 No sir 37 Oh What I took out was two years later

It was made into the film Oh that would have helped a lot It sure would I wasn't going to give you that Napoleon you kind of know But then you don't do well on the dates Oh here's one We'll end with this one And there's some built in clues here

English pop singer and songwriter Adele was born on this day in what year give or take five years now do you know what the clues are well that she seems to be about 40 maybe late 30s

wait do you know about her albums aren't they numbers like 16 and 13 Okay. They're named after her age. Oh, okay. So, 2013. I'm going to guess she was born in 1987.

Oh, 88. There we go. You did it, pal. I said 40 years, so I subtracted 40 years from today. God, how did she? So what is she? 38? How did she get? God, she got old fast.

I mean, all of us did. She can't have no babies no more. Wasn't it 20? The album that first came across my radar? Anyway. Okay. She's not going to put out an album 44. She better lose that gimmick.

Yeah. All right, here we go. We're going to the obituary. Yep, let's do it. This is for those who know. David Allen Coe. He was an influential and controversial Outlaw Country singer-songwriter. He wrote Johnny Paycheck's big hit, Take This Job and Shove It.

And he was a real sort of outsider. He had profane songs fully in the Outlaw Country genre. And it made it to 86, man. He never looked good. All these Outlaw Country guys live forever. They live like fucking maniacs. Except cash, but cash wasn't really outlaw. Yeah.

Cash died so young, holy shit. 71 or two. And he looked 90. And Willie is just chugging along and, uh. Willie's unbelievable. Yeah. I found my ticket stub this week from going to his 90th birthday. And it's two years ago.

Wow. And I remember thinking like, this is a day to day. Like, glad I got in. This is a day-to-day thing probably. Merle Haggard lived to 79. That's old, especially for that time. Yep. So anyway, David Allen Coe.

All right, we're moving on. We're cheering up with the funnies. Let's cheer up with the funnies. Every week we play the comedy caption contest. We give you one frame of a comic. You then write punchlines. You send them in to Fitzdog Radio. at gmail.com we select or i select the finalists uh which is not necessarily the best it's just

my mood whatever i'm whatever's hit me that day we appreciate all submissions none are losers these are just ones that might have appealed to me when i when i read them and then we read them here we pick a winner and that person in theory receives a coozy so send in your your jokes and put your name directly underneath. That helps out a lot. First one comes from David, or David, and it says, and oh, I describe the cartoon. Frankenstein is sitting on a therapist couch. There's a female therapist sitting on a chair. She's got a notepad in her lap. Yeah, it sounds great. Have you ever actually looked at a horse's cock? What? What? Speaking of that, Kentucky Derby, do we want to watch it live or no?

I just press record. Yeah, no, let's not watch it. I don't think that's good podcasting. I think it's pretty great. Come on, play old radio guys. Coming up on the outside. All right. All right.

I don't get that one. Tim Bagan says, wow. Mickey Rourke. Wow. Can we take a selfie together to post on my Instagram? A lot, a lot of, a lot of, a lot of chips were placed. on the Mickey Rourke look-alike, I think. Yeah, I think the joke could have been much shorter.

Yeah. Jim Lentz said, you don't have multiple personality disorder. You are multiple personalities. Is he? No, I think it's physical. But I get where he's going. All right.

Aldo Munez said, I could tolerate torches and pitchforks in person, but all the DMs are really bumming me out. I like Aldos. Okay. Kenny Engel said what I really want to do is direct. I love that because it's just very Hollywood. It also could be put in any cartoon, I think. Yeah, I mean, I basically, it would kind of make me chuckle.

I'm going to therapy now and I'm just sitting there going like, oh my God, I'm 60 and I'm talking about my mother and father. What the hell? Yours is what I really want to do is die. Yeah. DQ said, Doc, is it weird that I get an erection every time this is a severe thunderstorm? Okay. Chili B says you can't blame everything on meeting Abbott and Costello. Yeah, tough chapter, tough chapter.

Michael Osborne said, can I call you Frank? Okay, Frank, you're not alone. Many people are frustrated with pickleball. Okay. We'll fade out on that one. All right, I like what I want to do is direct. What do you like? I like Aldo Munez, Munoz, Munoz,

who's probably not listening to me since I called Latino parents, Latin parents irresponsible, but hopefully Aldo is still here. I could tolerate. I'm also assuming pitchforks in person, but all the DMs are really bumming me out. Congratulations, Aldo. By the way, I have to defer to Mike picking the winners because tomorrow, he will be my boss writing on the roast.

Reggery's coming in and write some jokes, people. Yeah, yeah. So I got to. You're going to hear tomorrow under a non-disclosure, maybe the craziest idea I've pitched, and we got confirmation today that we think it's going to happen. Okay. It's very, very inappropriate.

I shouldn't even put my name here, actually. Is Don Rickles still alive? We wish. They should have, that's something for a roast. That's a good idea. A hologram of wrinkles to do it. Yes. That would be great.

Yeah. Next week's cartoon is a bald gentleman. He's on the phone. And he is wearing cowboy boots, a girdle, a jock strap, lace sleeves, a chain around his chest, and he's carrying a whip. and in the background there's a pair of handcuffs. What is he saying into the phone? He's talking. What's he saying?

Good one. That's a good one. I'm looking up the onion I say. Hold on. There was a fucking great one. Oh, my God. This kind of ties in my little rage rant earlier. Here we go.

It's the onion shot of the Supreme Court. Supreme Court overturns right versus wrong. that is such an incredible joke that's great I mean I feel like sign of an amazing joke is when it's like how is that low hanging fruit

still out there yeah yeah I feel like the onion got stale for a while and now it's back with a vengeance I feel like it's needed now and it's really funny um

Hagger the Harbour is at a castle with his boys the king is standing at the doorway. He's very upset. He goes, Hager, doesn't it shame you to have brazenly taken all but an ounce of the kingdom's gold? Hager goes, ugh, it is shameful.

Sven, go back and grab that ounce that we missed. Meanwhile, it's like, forget the gold. How about Hager? Are you ashamed that my wife is lying in the corner with her dress next to her, crying in shame. with a sponge that she can't get herself clean with? Maybe she's within an ounce of her life?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The lockhorns are sitting at the bank talking to the guy, and he goes, legally, I can't show you your credit score without an attending physician. It's funny. It's funny.

And now they're sitting at the kitchen table, and he's reading the paper. And the headline says, will the Jets leave MetLife Stadium? and she goes, the Jets aren't going to move cities, Leroy. They can't even move a football. All right. I put that in for you.

I was very excited and I have to say I expected more. Yeah. Along the lines of who would take them or, you know, something along those lines. Right. Yeah. Finally, Blondie. Dope is sitting in his chair with his hands in his pocket. She's got her back to him.

The nape of her neck is slender. The skin looks taut And she says Honey, I've been trying to think of an easy way To tell you something He jumps up out of the chair He says, oh no, never begin a conversation That way. Even the dog is howling

He's on all four is pounding the ground Don't you know how scary that sounds? Sweethearts, sometimes it's important To carefully introduce a topic And she goes, take it easy, honey. There's no need to be so dramatic She goes, then she goes Besides, I've already forgotten

what it was about anyway. Then she goes, no, wait, I just remembered. You'd better sit down, honey. This inspired me. This gave me goosebumps. And it made me think about the possibility that she has come. Somebody has given her the Epsom salts of life. And she has looked at him and seen him in his stupid nakedness,

his ineffectuality, his non-sexuality, his stupidity. And she's finally going to go, honey, I'm out of here. And then the final frame is just her in a taxi, not even crying. She's got a smile on her face. She should take an evening art class. Yes.

Right? Yes. That's the next chapter. That should be the next season. Yep. Speaking of next season, we start the next season of Sunday Papers next week. We're very excited about it.

that it's season two we don't i know oh no we have no show thank you for saying that the roast of so here's what you can do so sorry there isn't a show especially it's so sweet some of you're so loyal i the roast is live next sunday it's mother's day and uh you can watch that you'll see some jokes by both of us on the show and uh that'll have to do kind of So sit with your mother and watch racist jokes about a celebrity. There's a lot of those. I can guarantee you there's a lot of those. How long will it last?

It's live, right? I don't think I'm supposed to comment on the duration. I think it's scheduled for two and a half. So it'll go three easily. I don't know. I mean, we're really trying to keep it. to time. Yeah. All right. Very exciting. I hope everybody watches and enjoys. Spread the word. And don't forget also to support our sponsor, Quo, QUO. You're going to get 20% off your first six

months and get it for free as a trial when you go to quo.com slash papers. Anything else do you want to promote, Mike? What do I? Well, maybe I'll promote the book Stoner next time I see you. We'll see It's a short book, 260 pages, so we'll see what happens. All right. Sounds good. All right, we'll see you guys soon. Take itish. Tag itish.

Sunday, Sunday, page. If it's dog microphone, turn him up and turn him on. Good Lord. Sox on my arms. Sox, socks, sucks. Where's the ice cream? Did you not know? But I don't know.

Wait a minute, though. I'm wondering. What the?