Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 35 11/1/20

Episode Date: November 1, 2020

Costco fires the Thai monkeys that were picking their coconuts, Lori Loughlin goes directly to jail, and maybe a little about the election.      

Get your facts straight, all the Sunday Papers, get your facts straight, with Mark Gibbons, get your facts straight, all the Sunday Papers, get your facts straight, with Craig Brimson here, get your fucking facts straight. Read all about it. Two days to the election. We're here. Sunday Papers coming to you live from Venice Beach, California, Santa Monica, California. Mike Gibbons, Greg Fitzsimmons, here with you again. I forgot. It's kind of scary to think about this is Sunday when people are listening to us because right now it's 1 p.m. on Saturday, West Coast time. And who the hell? Yeah, it's getting nerve wracking.

I woke up at six o'clock in the morning. My thoughts were racing. And part of it is the election. Part of it is I'm realizing that I have very little stand up coming up this year. I've got Tampa Bay, Florida, and that's about it. And then I've got no writing job. I got no income. And so between that and the election, I can't fucking sleep. I can't think. No, dude, completely the same story. No, dude, completely the same story. I woke up full sweat waking up in the middle of the night thinking

about my situation as they don't go to mybookie.com to support the show. I also, the night before I woke up in a cold sweat, thinking about your awful segues. They're just like jarring. And it's like, you know, when you, oh my God, a ball's coming towards my face, like a football, someone threw a ball. I mean, it's going to hit my face and you wake up. That's kind of like your transitions. Look, Mike, between the NFL, college football, people bet a lot on the baseball. How about, how about LA?

We're doing pretty good. NBA championship. Hey, LA was interesting. You know, I should give them credit. I forgot who it was, but someone tweeted out, someone who knows sports, how interesting it would be if Tampa Bay won that game six and now Justin Turner at least has the virus. And then how many people would have maybe tested positive? Because I think the Dodgers have just like, sorry, our publicity office is closed for the offseason. We're not going to tell you who else is tested positive because Turner came back out onto the field. Never mind. He's in the locker room practicing with them while having it. Yep. No. And he was like the most beloved player on the Dodgers.

People fucking love that guy. Oh, dude. And he's kind of destroying his legacy with that stupidity. I don't think he did. I think there's going to be, keep in mind, I kind of pointed this out to a friend, most of Major League Baseball is Republican. That's just a fact. And most of the players, I believe, and I think a lot of the fans are, a lot. I don't know how many, but a lot are. And I think there was a big thing. Everyone felt so sorry for him and nobody who was afraid. They all knew they wouldn't have gone up to him. So that was willingness to be, I'm kind of defending him a little like I could see where people are going to wiggle out of condemning him, you know, for like, you know, a blemish on his career.

Good lawyers. And then there's a lot of ways I think you can bet on the election. I'm not sure, but I saw a column on my bookie where you can bet on the election. You can bet not only on who wins, you can bet on what date the loser will concede. And it has odds on each day. So have some fun with that. Championship futures, player prop bets, all this kind of stuff. Sign up at MyBookie. And when you do, use promo code PAPERS to claim a deposit. Match dollar for dollar all the way up to $1,000.

You put in $1,000, they put in $1,000. They gave me $150 at the beginning of the season to play with. It's now up to $825. You could be making that kind of money too. So stacked UFC cards. Do it all. Go to mybookie.com. Get involved.

Do some betting. Mike, what about Daylight Savings Time? For us, it's tonight. What are you going to do with your – which hour are you going to cut out tomorrow? I think – I mean, at this point, should everyone be like, do not add an hour to 2020? That would be great. Let's just plow forward. That's right.

You know, I think I might have brought up on the podcast. I want to throw like a New Year's Eve party in November and literally just count it as 2021 has started. Yeah. Just people, I guess you can't even throw a party now. Luckily, we've turned the corner on the virus. So, you know, parties very soon, even now, I think, really. I think so. I mean, if you listen to any of the major podcasters now, they're all telling you that this thing is a hoax. It's crazy. So many people base their understanding of the world on podcasts.

We're doing a joke podcast. Take none of it seriously. We even take corrections from you guys as a way of showing we don't give a fuck that we make stuff up. But other podcasts make stuff up and they act like it's fact. Yeah, we got a lot of corrections. By the way, this is the first time,

like I'm trying to turn you up in my headphones, which I have to wear. Otherwise, it'll bleed through this microphone, which is a separate audio. I'm sure that the listeners really want to be dragged through these details. But I'm wondering if my audio is okay. And I know last week we had a lot of audio issues regarding our producer who we'd ask questions to and then we'd listen and the listeners heard nothing. No, I think it was something to do with St. Louis. There's a black hole in the internet in St. Louis because that's where our show is produced out of. And somehow we couldn't hear his voice. And he said some really great shit.

His name is Chris Denman and he's an excellent producer. However, last week he somehow didn't have his audio on. Well, maybe that's good because whenever we ask him questions, he always seems to shoehorn in there. All lives matter. And even when we're not talking about it. in there, all lives matter, even when we're not talking about it. I know. So I don't think it's appropriate. Yeah. And his whole thing about right to life is, you know, I don't think it jibes necessarily with our demographic.

And when he inserts aborted fetus tissue on the Zoom. Yeah. fetus tissue on the Zoom? Yeah. And then the editor out there is the exact opposite, believes in like fifth term abortions that you can abort a child up till nursery school or something disgusting. I don't even follow the logic. Yeah. Yeah.

But anyway, let's talk to him right now. Chris, we're with you. We're still with you. How are you feeling right now? There he goes with the All Lives Matter again. Oh, Jesus Christ, Chris. Will you stop? Stop it.

All right. No. Affirmative action, I think we can improve on it, but it's not a bad concept. Yeah, exactly. I think we can still improve on it, but it's not a bad concept. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we get it. You're saying at lunch counters? Is Pence 2020 even a thing?

All right. By the way, he just texted us, which I looked down, I I'm seeing for the first time is text from last week, which was we we did ask him a question. And it was you thought Dallas hosted a lot of Super Bowls. And the answer was 2011 was the only ever Dallas Super Bowl. All lives Matter. That was the hashtag. He even adds hashtags to his texts. It's weird. He loves all lives.

He really does. Meanwhile, a lot of our listeners are going to become a huge fan of his based on everything we're saying. Everything we're saying, you stupid righties. Oh, boy. It's weird because he's wearing a Halloween mask. Tucker Carlson. You don't see a lot of those. With the hair.

You got the little swoop of hair going, too. Bow tie? Yeah. It's good stuff. Mike, how's your week? What's going on with the kids? I think I told you this story. Okay, they're such complete snowflakes.

Yes, they are. And we talk about that. Like, God forbid, like even just the things we were just joking now regarding Chris, like all I was like, you can't say that. It's like, holy shit, girls. Like, please don't be a network executive that I deal with in my professional life who makes no effort at context, who can't at all see that the joke is on the even a side of the issue that you'd agree with. So I was talking to my girls, Sophie, my oldest, volunteered at a polling place.

So I went to vote at a polling place, a different polling place. You mean a strip club? No, they're fine with those jokes. And so anyway, I had a great voting experience. Of course, though, I'm on, you know, in California for one and it's in Santa Monica. So anyway, and we talked about the giant jugs of hand sanitizer before you go in and after and when you're leaving. And so she goes, oh, yeah, you know, we had heard and read an article also that one place ran out of sanitizer and they used tequila. Now, I don't know if that story is true, but I do know it was a story. So that's what she told me. And I'm like, oh, really? So I go, but don't you think like after I'd wash my hands with

tequila that my hands would then automatically vote for the Latino candidates and Latina candidates? They're like, dad. And I'm like, wait, what, what? Honestly, what could offend you? First of all, they're like, it's Latin X. First of all, I'm like, I can't even keep up. Yeah. Latin X sounds like some kind of a game show for Mexican people. It sounds like a porn category. Yeah. My daughter used to get mad at me because I would say black at the dinner table. This is going back a few years.

And so I had to say African-American. And then black came back. And I said, can I say black now? And she said, yes, you can. I'm like, well, I'm glad I? And she said, yes, you can. I'm like, well, I'm glad I'm the parent getting told what words I can say at the dinner table. But it's also, again, it's context. Like when they're like, dad, can you clean my plates? And you go, what do I look like, black?

I think I'm on their side on that one. I have to tell you. Black is back. Black is back. All right. Our daughters tonight are going out on a treasure hunt. Did you hear about this? I know they have plans.

I'm afraid to ask. What does that mean? It's a big thing. Owen did it his senior year, and they all get together, and they come up with these insane treasure hunt activities, and you have to videotape them to prove you did it, and you send it in to the judges, and whoever completes the most wins.

Each one has a different, depending on the dare, it's worth more points. This sounds like the beginning of a horror movie, like a plot. Oh, yeah. Oh, is the last clue in a van? Yeah. Windowless van, extra five points. And you walk down the pier, the Venice Pier, and you jump off of it, which is about 50 to 60 feet in the air.

By the way, I'm wondering why we don't jump off that thing more often. Like, what are we doing? I know. It looks awesome. It's super deep. You have to dive in the fountain on the 3rd Street Promenade. That's another one. That's 10 points.

You have to do a shot with one of your friend's parents. All right. Well, I know where that's going to happen. At your house where my daughter drinks. Thank God. Thank God she gets to drink somewhere. I love she explained to you. Great. She's like, no, I'm I'm driving. And you're like, have one. No, that's not true. That's there was something like that. No, that your limit to your limit was two regardless of driving, right?

No. In the house? No. I said, before I went to get them White Claws, bought a six pack, hid two of them so they could only have two each. And I said, wait, I said, you're not driving. And she said, no, I didn't drive tonight. Would not have given her a drink.

Got it. All right, good. So anyway, my kids are snowflakes. I don't want to go into it, but boy, did we have a heated argument regarding abortion where, you know, it's an on-pro choice. Sophie's pregnant? Well, I just want them to get preventative, premeditative ones. So it's like kind of like testing. I want an abortion every month. Also get it now while you still can. There doesn't have to be a fetus to get an abortion, by the way. And they don't believe me. But anyway, meanwhile, I'm yelling in this stupid closet.

Sophie has a friend and I'm yelling about getting the girls abortions every month. All right. But I, whatever, I'll keep this brief. I was just trying to say, and in a less patronizing way, but patronizing is maybe appropriate as I am their father and that's literally what the word means.

But I was like, you'll do better in life if you make an effort to understand the other side. And I go, I slowly realized if the other side truly believes it's murder, that's something that should cause you pause. That you should have a greater appreciation. Like, forget it. I couldn't even finish that statement. I was a I was like totally pro-life. I was villainizing them.

It was, it was the craziest backfire in a parental conversation I've had in a while. Yeah. I've brought up that same point that, uh, that if I believe I said to her, if I truly believed that abortion was murder, which is plausible. Yeah. If I really believe that in my heart, I would be on the front lines of those abortion clinics throwing myself in front of the door to save. If you believe it's murder, which I'm not saying it is, I don't believe it is murder. But like you said, I can expand my mind to see the other side. And I think if you really do believe that, you're not doing enough as far as I'm concerned. The only reason I'm not on the front lines is because I don't like babies.

Otherwise, if they were aborting like teens, I think I'd be more amped up. Yeah. I just don't want to stop the women I've been sleeping with from being able to get rid of the evidence. That's the only reason I don't block abortion clinics. All right. By the way, we can do any type of show we want now. I'm convinced we have zero listeners at this point. Yeah. They're all gone. Yeah. We get a lot of mail, though. I mentioned that the Libsyn, We get a lot of mail, though. I mentioned that the Libsyn, which is our host, can tell you when people tune out. I think it's wrong because we got tons of emails from people that say they listen right to the end of the usually hour and 40-minute podcast. By the way, I want to give a shout-out to the music today.

It came from Andy McVeigh, and it was a fun, fun punk song. Our last punk song was a big hit. And then last week, I got a letter from last week, Ryan Pappas, who wrote, a dream came true. I heard my song, the Jack Johnson-ish Island song,

opened the Sunday Papers podcast. I thought it was from my iPhone music, but no, it was on the podcast. Much appreciated. I was waiting for the mention. To my surprise, the song mentioned was by John Allen. No, no, no. All wrong.

It's me, Ryan Pappas. Love the show regardless. I'll try to send in another one in a different genre. Oh, thanks for the letter, John. Really appreciate that. Pappas. What kind of name is Pappas? Maybe we didn't say it because it's such a fucking silly name.

Pappas. He's Greek, right? Would that mean he's Greek or just fun? That's a fun name. Pappas? Yeah, it's got P. I'm Ryan. Papa La Da Pa Pa. Sounds like a fart from a guy who's got a hemorrhoid. Ryan, I'm going to go with Irish mother, Greek father, and that's why the song sat.

No, I can't even continue this stupid stupidity. The logo was specially made for this week for Halloween from Lawrence Tarpey. The Munsters. That's in it. Very nice. Look at that. The Munsters, by the way. Listen, you and I overthink.

I'm trying to solve this pilot story right now. It's amazing how much I overthink it and try to add layers. No one's ever seen this. And then you're like, Hey, remember Mr. Red, the, it's a couple with a talking horse or I dream a genie, which is the exact same thing as bewitched or the monsters, which is full blown crazy. Yeah. And it's basically also the Adams family Family. I'm not saying who inspired whom, but, like, those, where are those, why aren't I aiming for such simple premises like that?

Yeah. Right. Third Rock for the Sun. That was fun. Yeah. That's the only recent one that was like that high concept. Coneheads? There was a Coneheads sitcom?

No, but the sketch. Well, there's a Coneheads movie. Yeah. I don't think it was very good. Ellen DeGeneres was in it. Was she really? Yeah, I believe it because she would joke about that, actually, I think. Huh.

I never saw a Coneheads movie. because she would joke about that, actually, I think. Huh. I never saw Conehead's movie. Anyway, but the Munsters, the Munsters was pretty funny. Howard Stern, I think, likes them a lot, right? Or he liked that actor a lot.

Fred Gwynn. Because that's commitment, man. Holy crap. Guess who was in my high school class? Fred Gwynn's son. Fred Gwynn's daughter, Madden. Really? She was in my high school class. Fred Gwynn's son. Fred Gwynn's daughter. Madden. Really? She was in my high school class. Great girl. Tall. He lived in New York

or the mom did? He lived in like Carmel. What? Yeah. That's where my folks are. I know. They lived up around Carmel. I don't think so. Your story's falling apart. Then why was she in your high school?

Because I went to school in Rye. Oh, you went to fancy private school. I forgot like I didn't. I'm right. Yeah. You know who else went to my high school? Yes. Private high school.

The boy from the lagoon. The Blue Lagoon. Christopher Atkins. That beautiful hunk of man. Also, a little woman named Barbara Bush. Really? Yep. From St. Louis?

Yeah. Went to high school on Rye Country Day. I don't know. I thought you went to Mary Institute. Our producer could answer. St. Louis has the weirdest. They have such an elitist culture when it comes to the rich people and where they go to their private high schools in St. Louis. It's, and they, there's alumni, alumni situations and they talk about them like they're their colleges.

Yeah. Even when they're 70 and 80 years old. Like my stepmother went to Mary Institute and it's like, and I thought Barbara Bush went there. Nope. went to Mary Institute. And it's like, and I thought Barbara Bush went there. No. Well, Rye Country Day is considered one of the top prep schools in the country. I know, but I didn't think she left St. Louis to go there. But maybe you're right. One kid in my class, Brian Morgan, like Morgan, like the banking family.

Okay. Oh, we might be having a correction coming in. There was a kid named Randolph Van Cleet III. Here's our producer again. John Hamm and Ellie Kemper are a good example from Burroughs, which I guess is the closest thing to a sub-burrow. No, Burroughs, I imagine guess is the closest thing to a sub-Burroughs. No, Burroughs, I imagine, is a private school there. I thought Jon Hamm grew up with no parents and broke.

Hashtag all lives matter. I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. Anyway. He played baseball. Ashley Briggs dated Randolph Van Cleef the third. Like Van Cleef and Arpels. Yeah, the private. You know, what's funny is like you're saying so many people in Westchester knew Christopher Atkins.

Christopher Atkins was the blonde guy with Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon. Like that's one movie. One movie. And he basically kind of remained an unknown. But when you grow up not in Los Angeles, the one kid, like, for instance, in grammar school, we had these two little adorable Italian twins, Anthony and Joseph Lodi and they got cast in a in a like a Mr. Coffee ad or some some like waffle press, but some like gadget like for the kitchen with Joe Namath. And when I tell you all of what like all of my area of Westchester was talking about it and these kids were in grammar school, like it

was like it was like the, you know, movies where it's like, oh, my God, famous person's coming through town. And out here, it's like one of my daughters goes to school. Moses, Gwyneth Paltrow's son, also son of, you know, whatchamacallit, the band, you know, the father. That kid's in her class. Yeah. Unbelievable. Right. Unbelievable. Right. Cold play.

Okay. Are we done? A couple of corrections before we hit the news. Alex P. said on last week's episode, Mike suggested that Mitch McConnell is in office because of rigged gerrymandering. While gerrymandering is indeed a problem, it does not affect McConnell as he is a senator. Senators are elected by popular votes statewide. Like it or not, McConnell wins because he is popular. OK, first of all, I ask you to read this because that is a great correction. I that's very important to point out. So I was totally wrong.

What I wasn't totally wrong about, though, was and I didn't even realize it till this read through because I thought I was just totally wrong. It's not, though, because McConnell wins because he's popular. He's he's wins because also because he's very powerful. Yes, he's popular, but he also wins because he's very powerful. And he he has appointed tons of judges that hear cases. There's evidence of sort of voter intimidation. So there are other things and a longer list than I can even recite. So there's all of it voted out, by the way. It's neck and neck with his challenger. Well, that's what I'm going to tell you. That would be because he's less popular than her. I do not believe that's the only factor. I also believe he really, really can dictate more votes coming his way. That's the most inarticulate sentence I've ever said. But I do believe there's more, and I bet there's websites that list his,

shall we call them shenanigans. Dan wrote in and said, your current producer is named Chris, not John. I called him John at one point. You used to have a producer named John Matthews. That's the guy that's going to kick your fucking ass soon, I hear. Easy, Dan. I'll tell you what happened there. My ex-producer, John Matthews, who was a great producer, dear friend, really loved the guy, nerdy, but he also wants to box me.

He's now a producer on Jason Ellis' show, and also wants to box me. He's now a producer on Jason Ellis's show and he wants to box me. So I naturally accepted. And and then I had a shoulder issue and they gave me like three weeks notice to box. I had a shoulder issue and I was not able to lift my left arm to box. So I said, I got to wait and do it at a later time. So now I guess there's been a little bit of trash talk about it. But believe me, I'm not afraid to fucking fight John Matthews. Even though he's trained as a boxer for years and he rides his bike like 100 miles on the

weekends. But I can take him. I thought you hurt your shoulder because you were sucking your thumb so long. It got locked in a certain position that that's not what it was regarding this fight. Huh? By the way, you won't challenge Chris to a fight.

Chris just told us he's pushing 325 pounds. Now he also triple XL MAGA shirts. Sorry, I cut you off. Usually we have good timing, but I just cut you off. Sorry. No, no, no. We cut each other off, but then we ebb and flow. We trail off to let the other finish.

It's good, good stuff. Go ahead, though. All right, let's get to the front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! I'm eating a banana. The skull of a man who had been missing for eight years was found on the fireplace mantle of a resident in Tennessee, Pennsylvania.

The Morgan County Sheriff's Office was able to confirm through DNA testing that the skull belonged to Junior Willie McCann. That sounds like the name. That sounds like when you have that name, your skull is going to get found somewhere. And you're going to be in a Bob Dylan song. Who had been missing since September 2012. displayed the skull, which was sporting sunglasses, in his home, told authorities that he found it in March 2019 and kept it until the sheriff's office was informed of its existence. I think what happened was he posted pictures on social media

and it alerted the authorities to go to his house and find out why he's got a human skull on his mantle. to his house and find out why he's got a human skull on his mantle. I mean, look, there's no way, by the way, that this guy who put sunglasses on the skull didn't also find the body and fuck it. Or the famous skull laughing. You know, don't rule that out. Oh, right. To skull somebody.

That used to be a thing. Yeah. Well, first, I bet he was like, this is not Junior William McKay. How can you tell? How can you tell? And then the coroner slowly lifts up the sunglasses like, oh, my God, it is. Holy shit. That's Junior.

How could we have known he was wearing a disguise? It's like Madonna going out with big sunglasses on. But I like of all weeks, of all weeks that we've done this podcast and maybe all weeks from here to eternity, that this is our lead story. eternity that this is our lead story when the virus is making a massive comeback and the election is two days away. That's right. Sunday papers. Now, the papers we read might be a little different than the paper you read. Sometimes my paper boy throws the paper over the fence onto the dewy grass. The first eight or nine pages, sopping wet, can't read them. So our news really starts on page 10. Also, we subscribe to Junior William McCann's family newsletter. And that's a huge source of news for us.

The reunion's coming up. You going? It's going to be a little somber this year. Although I heard they got, in a fun move, they got sunglasses for everyone. Yeah. Little news about our friend Tucker Carlson over at Fox News. Boy, did he have a hot lead. He claims to have acquired incriminating

documents about Hunter Biden, and then he lost them in the post. Carlson alleged that his team mailed the document from New York to L.A. after receiving them from, quote, a source on Monday. But the bundle never arrived. Without providing any further details or evidence, Carlson said the damning documents had vanished en route, heavily implying foul play. Huh. Carlson said a producer had shipped the documents to him from New York to Los Angeles via a brand name company. When they didn't arrive, the shipping company told Fox that their package had been opened and documents had disappeared. Which, by the way, is a federal crime. Yes, that's right.

Well, if it's a private company, huh? I wonder if the envelope that they lost also had Trump's health care plan and evidence of voter fraud. You think it was all bundled together? It could be. I mean, it could be. By the way, I wonder if it's a private company, if it is a federal crime. I know if it's U.S. mail, but I think if it's mail going interstate anyway. But yeah, exactly. Well, maybe the package was

put in one of those fake ballot boxes that Republicans put out in Orange County or something. is that Republicans put out an Orange County or something. Yeah. It was, although I did actually, I think I read something this morning that it was UPS and they admitted to it. But what my question is, everybody's question is, did they not have a photocopy machine? Did they not have a cell phone that could take a picture

of the documents and email them or text them to Tucker Carlson? It's ridiculous. Is this 1867? Why did they send it by a horse? Yeah. These are super important guys. Let's put the only copy in the mail because there've been no stories about mail problems. None. Right. Especially on Tucker's show where he's showing tons of mail dumped in riverbeds with the Republican ballots and everything. Like of all people that should know how absolutely corrupt the mail system is, it should be Tucker,

shouldn't it? It's just amazing that they keep trying to blow life into this fucking story about Hunter Biden. The truth is, he's a crackhead. He's had serious drug problems. He's a desperate, sad human being. Who, Tucker? Yeah, no. And there's no connection between his father and him. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. You've heard the confirmed. The source of that story is a made up human being. Of the laptop story. Yes. Yeah, I think I did hear that.

So it's a made up human being. They created his photo. I think it might even been a deep fake. They like created this identity and photo that the Washington Post, the New York, all these newspapers rejected it outright. The writers refused to put their names on the stories. It's such a fed story. But this Tucker Carlson thing, why wouldn't you, as long as you're like saying the dog ate my homework thing, like, as long as you're like saying the dog ate my homework thing, like, why wouldn't you be like, also, I think,

I think I solved the coronavirus. I think I made the antibody. I think I made the vaccine and I was mailing it and that got lost. Yeah. Right. Like I was going to save humankind. Like, come on,

like make up bigger things. Why not? I had Obama's birth certificate saying he was born in the Philippines. It's on the shuttle. It's on the Virgin Air shuttle. Wait, but that hasn't run since the 70s. No, it is. Kamala Harris had a little finger painting saying, I'm going to pack the Supreme Court.

And she signed it with her name and a little heart. God, I really do wish we made copies of those. What do we got? Lori Loughlin from Full House, two months behind bars after she pleaded to guilty charges from paying $500,000 to get their daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Julina. Why do they have two different names? Those are the middle names, are they? Oh, the middle names.

Recruited onto University of Southern California's crew team. The two had never participated in the sport. Laughlin elected to do her time at FCI Victorville, a California medium security federal corrections institution she will have access to hobby classes such as pilates spinning ceramics crocheting or she can learn how to play the drums i want to go what do i have to do wrong to get sent to that place it sounds like they have an Erewhon there. Yeah. By the way, Erewhon, for our national listeners,

picture Whole Foods and picture it 10 times more pretentious and smaller with not a single product name you've heard of. And good luck finding anything. They actually have a very tiny gluten section which is foods that have gluten the rest of it nothing yeah and it's it's seemingly all if you go there during the day because i'm unemployed it is all women in outrageous yoga pants yeah that seems to be the clientele there. So I imagine this prison might have it as well. I wonder if it's an all-women's prison.

And it's all guys that look like they're bordering on a homeless. That's how you show true wealth on the west side of L.A., is you have, like, hemp pants that are hanging low with a rope belt and a fucking designer shirt that's completely, like completely ill-fitting. Yeah. And flip-flops. And you're getting in an argument with the person at the door

over whether your animal is an emotional whatever. What's it called? Yeah, support animal. Yeah, emotional support animal. Or if it's like a licensed service dog. Yeah. Because only one of a licensed service dog. Yeah. Because only one of them can get in. Yeah.

You know, look, she's going to be in prison, but I think the daughters might try to bust her out in a rowboat. That would be new for them. They should start training. And by the way, how did Lori get into this? Did she create pictures of her playing volleyball that she's never played before? They should start training. And by the way, how did Lori get into this? Did she create pictures of her playing volleyball that she's never played before? How hard are the admissions to get into Victorville Correction Facility?

This is the kind of prison when the other women rape you, they make sure you climax before they're done. Oh, no. Yeah. I like it. And then you cuddle. You cuddle afterwards. I don't imagine this is the orange is the new black situation. No, I think this is the white is the new white situation. But it's interesting that it's medium security. Like what's below medium? Don't they have a word for the low? Like the minimum? Minimum security.

Yeah, minimum. Like, why wouldn't she be in minimum? I know she can flee it. She's rich enough to flee the country, but she's not going to do that over such a short sentence. Well, you know, you don't know. Bob Saget could try to bust her out. John, what's the other guy's name?

What, these were in the show with her? I never watched. Oh, Fuller House. I never watched that. I never watched it. Well, she's a full house. You wrote Fuller. No, that was the reboot on Netflix last year.

She wasn't in the original or she was in both? Oh, maybe she wasn't in the original. She was on the reboot. Meanwhile, 13 listeners are deleting their letter to us, screaming at us about the Fuller House correction. Let's talk about Utah. Oh, yeah. It was just there. Alarming alert was sent to everyone in Utah who who had a phone the state had reached that's less than half right right the other yeah the other half they sent up smoke signals record number of covet 19 cases uh and it said state of utah covet 19 is spreading rapidly almost every county

is a high transmission area. Hospitals are nearly overwhelmed. By public health order, masks are required in high transmission areas. Social gatherings are limited to 10 or fewer. 10? Are they not getting the memo? And then also 10? That's not even enough for my wives my wives my wives that chestnut uh

don't bother with the corrections i know they no longer practice polygamy except a few radical sects so does sects well it's also radical sex. There's also that. But I don't know. If I'm a Mormon, I'd be like, are you sure my magical underwear don't cover me on this one? I also have to wear magical underwear on my face? Yeah.

What else did I think about when I heard this story? It, it, it, it also must be hard telling all the Mormons to hop on board the science train. Yeah. Right. They're not really known for that with all of their, like they can't drink hot beverages. Do you know, by the way, I looked it up. It's not caffeine. It's hot beverages. No shit. Because and and the more you look, a lot of places don't get it right. And maybe I have it wrong, but I think I'm right. It's because it's you're not allowed to drink decaffeinated coffee either. And it's not because of traces of caffeine.

I think it's hot because you can drink like Coke and Pepsi, which have caffeine. Wow. But it's nicotine and stuff like that. Why can't you drink hot beverages? What does that represent? I think that's very far down the list of questions for Mormons and what they believe in. I get confused between them and Dianetics.

Which one has the spores came out of the side of a volcano to populate the earth? Yeah, Scientology. Oh. Meanwhile, come on, Catholicism is the craziest of them all. Yeah. But I think they're going to do great on this.

The Mormons, if they work just as hard as they did on California's Prop 8, which was trying to outlaw same-sex marriage, because, boy, did they come together as an effective team on that one. They really, really. And by the way, it passed with all of their funding, all of their calls about gay marriage in another state.

And then it was overturned. It had to be overturned in California. So two human beings who love each other can get married. Oh, Mike. Yeah. You listen to your daughters too much at the dinner table with all this liberal shit you're spouting. Okay. Last Mormon joke. Um, I'm sure, I'm sure this will go well. I'm taking advice because, uh, them telling all the Mormon kids they're not allowed to have sex. That's gone so well. Cause you know about soaking. What's that? Soaking is the official word, official meaning everybody knows it where

in an effort not to have sex, like let's say at, at in Provo at the university, uh, two Mormon college students will put his penis inside her vagina. Sorry to speak so ghastly with that language. He'll put his penis inside her vagina and not do anything, not move. And they call it soaking. Really? I did. How could I make that up? I did not make that up.

That sounds like something straight out of Ireland. And I don't know if there's a culmination. I don't know if it goes to fruition. But no movement. That sounds kind of hot. I kind of like that. Put it in and just leave it there. Could you do that now?

It's like getting a delicious bite of a candy and you don't swallow it. You just leave it in your mouth to melt. You'd have to be pretty turned on to maintain in that arrangement, don't you think? Oh, you're talking about the vagina. Yeah, I guess you'd have to move it in there. Yeah, I wonder if, boy, well, the gay Mormons have a lot to figure out. I don't think, I think soaking in a fellow student's butt is the least of their problems. I think God's going to ding them on the same sex issue first, I think.

on the same sex issue first, I think. Meanwhile, the same sex, they should be docking, which is not the same as soaking. Docking? We'll go into docking next week. Oh, my God. Now, are you allowed to put it all the way in? I would imagine you can put it all the way in and then not move it.

Yeah, you're not going to semi-soak. What are you, a lunatic? When I was a teenager, when I was first having sex, when I was like 16 years old, I soaked half the time I was having sex, I was soaking because I didn't want to cum. And so I would do a few strokes and then I would just hold on. I would hold on or like I was diving on top of a kid when there were bullets flying through the air. I clasped her.

If I moved one inch, I was going to come. Also, she would get away. Yeah. Did you used to do that as a teenager? No. Did you used to do that as a teenager? No, mine was more a mental exercise of thinking. That's the best part. You're a teenager having sex, which is absolutely the most amazing thing in the world. And I'm conjuring images of the Holocaust and stuff to slow myself down.

Really? Yeah. Like emaciated bodies and tragedies. Just any tragedy I could pop in my head. So what was talking dirty like? Oh, my God. I'm going to starve you to death in a camp. While you while you build war machinery.

Would you only date German girls? Well, no, because I didn't want them to get too turned on. Because that would turn me on and it would backfire. But I did whisper with a German accent. Kind of like Saving Private Ryan when he's whispering in German as he's sliding the knife through his chest. Yeah, yeah. Wow, good poll. Yeah.

This one comes to us from our friends at Costco. Oh, yeah. Okay. You want me to read it? I found this story. Yeah, why don't you read it? The alleged use of forced monkey labor. So let me just pause there.

That's what grabbed my attention. Forced monkey labor was in the headline. The alleged use of forced monkey labor has led Costco to stop selling Thai-made coconut products. Quote, no kind shopper wants monkeys to be chained up and treated like coconut picking machines. The PETA president, Ingrid Newark, said in a statement. Oh, sorry, that was her statement. PETA's investigation found chained up monkeys can pick around 400 coconuts a day and are then stuffed in cages until their next shift, the outlet reported.

Wow. But maybe you're like me. I didn't know they had breaks. Like, why stop there? What do you mean shifts? You think the monkey's like, I think I work two shifts. Yeah. That means I should get two breaks.

Right, right, right. I should be able to jerk off and throw it at the supervisor twice this hour. Right. This is, so Costco is going to stop this. So I guess they're going to replace the monkeys with their fucking minimum wage, non-union, undocumented workers. Right. Who don't even get a cage to sleep. They don't get free housing? Yeah. These monkeys get free housing and food. Yeah. You have to factor

that in. By the way, with their free housing and with their bananas, they probably are paid more than the children that are picking the other coconuts. Yeah. And, you know know everyone's worried about losing their job to a robot what about the monkeys yeah it happened to organ grinders it happened to the astronauts now the coconut pickers right oh wait there was another part of this story hold on that i didn't get pasted in there oh my god it was such a killer detail. I'm going to find it right now. Um, okay. This is also in the story, right? A guy then goes, just because something is legal, there's a, there's a PETA spokesman just because something is legal or accepted doesn't mean it's okay. Then the article went on and I am not making this up, that this same guy, Kent Stein from PETA, pointed to the tourism

authority of Thailand's active promotion of the, quote, monkey center, where tourists can watch the primates learn how to collect coconuts if they pay 300 baht, which is about 10 bucks. And kids can catch the show for five bucks. So not only are they having the monkeys pick 400 coconuts an hour and obviously saving 100 percent of their money, they are charging tourists to watch it. I would bring my kid there. I'd be like, here's what your future is. Study hard or you can work with these fucking monkeys. Right. Oh, my God. That's so funny. I mean, what? And adding insult to injury. The monkeys are so ashamed and they're like, oh, now they're having people watch us do this. Dude, do not look this up online, by the way, because the article has a video that goes with it that will break your heart of these fucking monkeys. They're tied up with ropes to like to like abandoned tires.

They're trying to pull the leash off their necks. It's so sad. It's almost as sad as the suicide nets on the Apple iPhone factories in China. Yeah, but the kids look at it as a trampoline. It's the only trampoline they'll ever get to use in their lives. I mean, I think we've talked about it before. I mean, that is the best board meeting ever. Like, okay, we've got a week to think about it. I want everyone's ideas. You should hear Carl, sir. Carl, tell them about your nets. Wait, wasn't this about the mental health of our workers and how to reduce suicides? Oh, no, Carl's going to reduce suicides by 100 percent.

And they go right back to work three minutes later. Yeah. You know, we have to improve our social profile. You know, maybe we'll spend some money on getting dolphins out of the tuna nets. Yeah, and maybe get some of our workers out of the building nets. And then, Carl, tell them about when you're going to charge tourists to watch the workers jump into the nets.

Oh, my God. How many people would fucking love that, though? You know, it would be a stress reliever. You're having a rough day at work. You open open the window and you fucking hurl yourself out and then you know you bounce a couple times you come back up you get back to work right oh man uh this day in history oh new segment on the show this is kind of long so I'm going to have to rip through it this day in history

the war of the worlds if you're not aware of this such a fucking great story Orson Welles who's the guy who directed wrote was he in yeah did he also star in Citizen Kane?

I'm looking for the story. There you go. No, no. Yeah, no. I know a lot about it. I've probably forgotten so much, but I did a big paper in college on Citizen Kane. He conquered radio, and that's what this story is about. And then very soon after, as a, I think he turned 24 years old while starring in Citizen Kane. Keep in mind, as a 24-year-old, he played the full lifespan of Kane in the movie, including the old man, of Cain in the movie, including the old man, you know, who says Rosebud and drops and drops the glass, the snow, the snow figurine thing on the floor. So what he stuck,

what got him the opportunity to do citizen Cain is he did this, had this huge radio show and he did a dramatization of a Martian invasion of Earth. This was in 1938. Over a million people fled their houses, were like running down the streets. They believed that the world was really being invaded by Martians and they didn't know it was a radio hoax. He started an introduction. Then the announcer came on and did a weather report

and then they broke into like some band was playing some corny music. And then they broke into the music to tell people that there were explosions on the planet Mars. Then the music came back on. And then they broke in again and said there's a large meteor had crashed into a farmer's field in Grovers Mills, New Jersey. And then the announcer described the crash site. Martians emerging from a large metallic cylinder. Good heavens, he declared. Something wriggling out of the shadows like a gray snake.

Now here's another one and another one. They look like tentacles to me and he so he keeps going on people are losing their fucking minds it went on for like an hour and uh and because of it the FCC investigated they ended up not charging with anything but then he got he got the uh the caught the ear of the one of the big networks or studios who let him direct, write, produce, and star in Citizen Kane, which some people consider the greatest movie ever made. Yeah, he's unbelievable. But yeah, there were reports there were suicides because of it and stuff.

I don't know if those are true. No, I looked it up. They weren't, okay. But boy, one of the famous first examples of fake news. Well, you got the Bible. Oh, no. Wait, what? Yeah, no.

He, Orson Welles, he's just incredible. Are you kidding me? Yeah. And then I did the best was, do you ever hear him doing the Gallo Wine voiceover commercial? Oh, the French. He's shit-faced. He's shit-faced. He's yelling at the producer about the ad copy.

He won't read it. It's great. Look that up. We can't play anything on the podcast. Actually, I don't know. Maybe we could play that clip. Chris Denman, can we play that clip? If we can, we're going to insert it right here.

If we can't, then I want you guys to search for it on Google. Just look up Gallowine Orson Welles drunk. He said only if we could play an equivalent length clip of a Trump rally. I don't get it. Yeah. And QAnon has a trademark sign next to it? That's weird. You want to ask Amy something, Mike?

Where are we? We seem to be. Did we skip science and everything? Did we? Oh, we did. You skipped Florida, man. Science. We skipped a bunch of shit.

I think you skipped an ad. You skipped international. I'd say you skipped most of the podcast. We skipped the ad. Let's do that real quick. Yeah, that's what the listeners want. Well, you know what they want is hair. Everybody wants hair.

We want to be hairy. Tops of our heads, hair. How do you get it? How do you get it at a decent price? How about keeps? Keep. Keep your hair. Two out of three guys will experience some form of male power and baldness by the time they're 35. I had it by 28. And I'll tell you what, I started using minoxidil and it saved my hair for about 10 years. And then it was too expensive. I stopped using it. Well, now it's too late for me to start again, but you can. For just $10 a month, you can get not just the ointment. They call it ointment? Probably not. Ointment sounds like something you put

somewhere else. Why are you questioning that? But then also pills. They're generic versions of the only two FDA approved hair loss products out there. I'm not allowed to say their names, but you know the ones I'm talking about. Same product, a third of the price.

This is an amazing deal, actually. You can also get your first month free. So, you know, hit it. Go to keeps.com slash papers and get yourself a first month free. And it starts at $10 a month for a limited time. So do it now. Again, go to keeps.com slash papers. All right.

I like it. You need it. What are you talking about? No, I do. By the way, while you were talking, I got a text. I think a lot of people can relate to this. Have you been getting these political texts telling you how to vote or what to vote for or just to vote like from anonymous people? No.

So I just got one. She says, hi, it's Alyssa urging you to vote yes on Prop 14. My daughter Evie. I think I can read this. My daughter Evie was cured of a fatal blah, blah, it's Alyssa urging you to vote yes on Prop 14. My daughter, Evie, I think I can read this. My daughter, Evie, was cured of a fatal blah, blah, blah. Prop 14, I think, is about stem cell research. But remember the story we talked about the other day this week that George, my brother-in-law, told us? So my brother-in-law is the greatest guy in the world. He and my sister signed up to text people in this campaign.

And I guess they were given numbers in another state, maybe a toss-up state. And they decided to join one, which didn't pick a side. It just said to vote and probably was an attachment on how to make sure you're registered to vote and how to vote. And so my sister, my sister puts it out there and you text. And then the text came back. Fuck you, Laura. Which, by the way, I want to say that because I think I voted against for complicated reasons. I voted against this prop.

I think if it's the one I'm thinking of, because it's far from simple. Anyway, I feel like telling her and her daughter to fuck off. Oh, my God. That's insane. So that's a no? It's so personal. If somebody texted me anything that's spam, I tend to write fuck you also.

Good for that guy. But addressing her by her name makes it so personal. I love that. Yeah. And you're not allowed to respond. But you have to document the responses. How many didn't respond, which is the vast majority? How many said, thank you. I will look into that. This is helpful. How many said, fuck you, Laura? I will look into that. This is helpful. How many said, fuck you, Laura? Now, I've been asked by a lot of people to go out of state and knock on doors. What if you knock on a door and you say, yeah, I want you to vote for these liberal candidates.

And the guy's a Trump supporter and he fucking punches you in the face. I don't need that. Well, I don't think many people need that. What? I don't think many people need that. What? I don't think many people need that. You know, you should just go. Kentucky is a toss-up state, and especially trying to flip the Senate. Go in Kentucky, and there you don't even need a warrant to burst in the door and shoot someone.

There you go. Yeah. Tawana Brawley was that? Oh, yeah. That's just a coincidence. I was making up that scenario. Wait, what did you say? I was just kidding.

Tawana Brawley was the girl in New York back in the 80s. Oh, I know. I'm just pointing out the prolific amount of these problems. Well, that one wasn't exactly clear-cut. I need more coffee. I wish I could pass it to you. Soon we'll be able to do that. I know.

Let's go to international. Okay. In New Zealand, they voted. Ready for this? Yeah. They legalized euthanasia, but they did not legalize recreational marijuana use. That's an upside down fucking country right there. Basically, they're motivated enough to kill themselves. But once again, the potheads didn't quite make it out of the house that day.

And now they're all going to kill themselves. Legally. Oh, yeah. The potheads, they can't get high, so they're going to kill themselves. I just want to, if I can't get a joint, then give me an overdose of opium. They should all just start smoking pot. And then as soon as they see they're busted, they just kill themselves, which is legal. It sort of undoes their trespass before it.

Why not? It's like, first of all, euthanasia would be, why is it youth in Asia? Aren't they just setting themselves up for some kind of a he-she kind of a joke? Yeah. What do you call those, lady boys? Right. But I think they do it in a really pleasant way.

I think you go down on some drugs that are like morphine that feel really good. There's like a three-step way that they put you to death. I'd much rather do that than wait and see what happens. I mean, all we do in our life is try to control every situation, who we're going to have at our party, where we're going to work, what clothes we're going to wear constant control of our environment and then the biggest decision of all dying we just go well whatever happens i guess will happen fuck that let me pick an age where i want to punch out which is not that far down the line right and just say let me make an elegant dismount let me me say goodbye to everybody. Let me finish my novel, whatever.

And then let me get high as fuck and take a fucking, take a plunge out of here. Well, also, and I brought this up before, you know how much difficulty they're having with like executions and ending people's lives? Like with all the medical knowledge and vetting, they still can't do it. These guys survive and they're in pain. I mean, meanwhile, in the same newspaper, you'll read stories about like Tom Petty and like, and the thousands, the tens of thousands who are trying desperately not to kill themselves, but they're peacefully killing themselves because of drugs

that they're buying from unreliable sources. Right. Right. It's like too easy to kill yourself beautifully and peacefully. Yeah, fentanyl. Blissfully is the word I was looking for. Fentanyl will kill you like that. All you got to do is shoot the guy up with a fucking huge overdose of fentanyl.

And again, you'll feel fantastic and then you'll die. But I think any of the companies that provide the, there's certain drugs that accomplish euthanasia and the companies won't sell it to the state for ethical reasons. I have heard that. So who, so it's a, you have an electric chair, let's go old school. You have an electric chair, old sparky, whatever. Put it in a Chevy in the same room and turn the Chevy on. You don't even need electricity. Yeah.

What the? Honestly, the guy falls asleep. As far as I know, you just fall asleep. Yeah. And no wakey. I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't know. You could just leave a loaded gun in a room and then put on the band Poison and then just wait. Oh, if you put me in a room and

played three episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row, I wouldn't even need a gun. I would smash the TV and cut my jugular with the TV glass. Wait a minute. Our friend is on that show. I've never made it to his episode, so no knock against him. But let me guess, is he a doctor? That means he gets sick and he becomes a patient. That's a guarantee. Falls in love. And then they play. Here's the thing about Grey's Anatomy is they give you two thirds of an episode and then cue the music so we can tell them how to feel for the next 20 minutes. Oh, my God.

And I just love hearing rich doctors complain with voiceover. That's my favorite. Yeah. By the way, so I need to tell you when my ex-wife used to watch it, I would just like walk in and I'm like, oh, what doctor is the patient now? She's like, I told you never to ask that again. And then like a minute later, she'd be like, it's him this week. So one time though,

cause I would never stop asking that question cause it was true every episode cause the thing cannibalizes itself. They're out of ideas. So I go, um, I walk in one week, I'm like, so what doctor's the patient this week? And she's like, all of them, there was an accident on the river or something. That's right. That's right. That's a real thing. I saw that. Yeah. So stupid. So stupid. Now it was a soap opera. It was a nighttime soap opera. There still is. It's back. Jesus Christ. God killed to get on the show that's on the air that long. You know, I started watching SVU. What's it called? Special Victims Unit. Oh, my God. It's so fucking good. It's so addictive. Those I heard are very good. I've never I've never seen a law. I've seen like parts of law

and order. I've never seen one. It's just like it's just addictive. And Richard Belzer had it made. There was like three different iterations of that show, and he was on all of them. Somebody told me he was on for 29 years. He may still be on one. And a third banana kind of role. Show up for two days a week, shoot your scenes, you're fucking done, you're making a hundred grand an episode.

I think he was a lead guy in one of them, you know, but doesn't it like, it's the crime procedural is like the investigation, and then halfway through it goes to the courts. Do I have that right? Not with SVU. Oh, okay.

But anyway, I think Belzer was bigger than that. But can you imagine his mailbox money? Yeah, I know. It plays all over the world. I did one episode of CSI about maybe eight years ago. I still get checks in the mail. And what I made for the episode, I have made 20 times over in residuals. People will now be like, why the hell are you getting that?

Now, there's a famous, I think it was Wasserman, in one of the anti-union or union-busting efforts by the studios. The guy goes, that's complete garbage. You're going to get checks for as long as it airs. Like that's why aren't you like when a when the plumber comes over and fixes my toilet, he he doesn't get paid every time I flush it. And everyone thought that was the greatest argument, like and patted him on the back. And then the writers or the actors shot back. If every time you flush your toilet, it's shut out money. You'd get paid.

If every time you flush your toilet, it's shat out money, you'd get paid. That guy would get paid every single time. And it's true. It's like you're not asking for money when they don't make money. Yeah. But if your product is being shown and it also, by the way, there would be no actors. If it was, there wouldn't be a system in Hollywood. No. I mean, the average salary, yearly salary for a SAG member, the Screen Actors Guild. Because I remember the year, what's her name?

And I like her a lot. I like- Angelica Houston? No, no, no. Cicely Spacek. Pretty woman. Pretty woman. Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts.

Julia Roberts won, and she was at the at the Screen Actors Guild she also won it was uh Erin Brockovich she won the Oscar that year all she swept every award while she was receiving her SAG award she said oh my god and she was legitimately giddy and all this and she's like it's like acting is like the greatest thing it's just one it's I'm just so blessed because and it pays so well and I'm like oh my god. I'm just so blessed because, and it pays so well. And I'm like, oh my God, you didn't just say that at the Screen Actors Guild Awards. And journalists also caught on to it. The average, average salary of someone in the guild, which means they're a relatively successful actor because they did enough work to get in the guild.

Right. The average salary, I think, was $5,000 a year. relatively successful actor because they did enough work to get in the guild. Right. The average salary, I think, was $5,000 a year. And that's including her $40 million. Well, the other thing that's really fucked up is you pay the union. It's something like 1% of everything you make, which is not a lot of money when you consider that you get health coverage once you earn over like 30 grand a year. You get pension. It's a great union.

1%. But after you hit like on one project, once you make over whatever, a few hundred thousand dollars, it caps out. And you don't have to keep paying the 1%. Fuck that. Who can afford that more than the woman that's making $20 million a picture? She should be giving 1% of all that money and floating the guy that's fucking showing up to auditions five days a week, landing six acting jobs a year and clearing 30 grand. Throw him some fucking benefits. So whatever. I've been corrected on this before,

but there's a statistical way to look at this because like there's average, then there's mean. But I wonder what whatever the one is that shows what the regular guy, the regular actors make because of the multiple actors who are getting 40 million a picture. In other words, if you somehow were able to cut them out, you know, like cut the extremes out. In other words, if you somehow were able to cut them out, you know, like cut the extremes out, the average might even be less than zero or the mean or whatever the hell the term is. Median. I don't know. But I've lost Greg. He's gone from his chair.

Where did you go? I made a cup of coffee. I stopped listening to myself during that point also. Florida, man. Florida, man. What do you got, Mike? We got, this is your story, I think a 26-year-old man has been accused of stealing a bulldozer from a Florida construction site. Accused. Huh? Accused. Driving it into a neighborhood and knocking down campaign signs for guess who? Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden. James Blight. That's a perfect Florida name. That's awesome. I wonder if he's the blight on the community was charged with. Billy Pesticide was charged with grand theft auto and trespassing.

Police said Blight claimed he was too drunk at the time to remember what happened, which seems to be another way to say that is the Florida alibi. Yes. The Tampa Bay amnesia, they call that. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I don't remember. I think the guy, first of all, totally unnecessary to to bring a bulldozer. Biden signs come up so easily. Those little snowflakes, they can barely push the sign into the lawn. Yeah. How big are they? Do they mean billboards? And if you're going to get a if you're going to get a bulldozer, take out billboards.

It's way more effective. So many more people see them, and you can do it. But you know what? This guy's a fucking hero down in Florida. Those Trump supporters love this guy. He's going to be speaking at the next Republican National Convention. He's going to show up to vote in a forklift, and people are going to be speaking at the next Republican National Convention. He's going to vote. He's going to show up to vote in a forklift and people are going to cheer. He's going to show up to vote with a bulldozer and take out the line. That's right. That's what he's going to do. Yeah. But

I want to know more about this. I know every Florida man's story makes me want them to make a documentary about the person. Oh, yeah. There should be, yeah. There should be, yeah, I mean,

a documentary series. And the premise is, no matter what, every single week there's going to be a mini documentary on a Florida arrest. Yeah.

So you know, some weeks aren't going to be as good as others. But the funny thing is it would never be it would never be on hiatus. It would be 52 weeks a year for as long as you want to make them. Well, we're kind of describing cops. You're right. I want what is the over under that Mr. Blight was wearing a shirt? Honestly. Yeah, he he only owns two and he only and only one of them has sleeves.

Exactly. But, you know, think about the joy. If you're really that if you really hate Biden that much, the joy of being drunk on a tractor, driving through lawns and pulling up the signs. I feel that I can feel that in my blood, how nice that would feel. You know what an honest point to bring up is? What about Mr. Blight's restraint? You find a lawn with a Biden sign on it. You're on the lawn now because you've taken the sign out with a bulldozer, yet you don't take out his car

or his house. Right, right. You just go back out to get the next one on the next lawn. That's a lot of restraint. They call that a clean kill back in Nam. Oh, Jesus. All right.

Let's get to entertainment, Mike. Yes, sir. All right. What did we see? Well, first of all, what did we decide to watch this week that I don't think we watched? I think I watched it. Weren't we supposed to? I watched some scary movies. no we did yeah the documentary about the killer next door or something

yeah yeah yeah so i saw it what did you think i think we've talked about it a little i think the same thing as you which is um it was made entirely from found footage, almost exclusively the police cams and the interrogation room cams, and zero voiceover, zero reenactments, and zero additional footage. Yeah. Yeah. Really, that's the thing that spooked me is that we are that watched. We are. And oh, and body cams, police body cams, which was huge. Yeah. Did you say that already? Yeah. I forgot the term body cam, but the police cams. Yeah. Yeah. But it also shows. You know, we don't want to spoil this, but they were able to solve it very quickly.

And that kind of speaks to how it is getting so hard to commit a murder and get away with it. Yeah. You know, remember that movie Body Heat? Yes. There was a great line in Body Heat. Keep in mind, Body Heat was way before even cell phones, never mind computers and the Internet. And and there was a line. Who is the actress in that? Kathleen Turner and Hurt. William Hurt. Yeah, I think was the lead. Ted Danson, one of his first things he ever did.

And there's a line in that which was there's 50 ways to screw up a murder. If you're a genius, you can. I think the line is that you're if you're a genius, you can screw up. You can think of 25 of them and you're no genius. That's what he said to the guy. But now, I mean, I told you that podcast by our friend Neil Strauss. It was called like it was about a murder in L.A. to live and die in L.A. or something like that. Anyway, the amount of information they got from that killer's like, oh, he stopped at this gas that Google was following his every single move and even knew how long he had pulled over at a gas station like three weeks ago on his drive to San Francisco. Like the amount of detail was incredible. What he bought at the convenience store,

what speed he was going on the highway. Yeah. It's, it's incredible. And, um, you know, like I just think about the vandalism we used to commit as teenagers and

Rob, robbing cars just to get cassette tapes or change to buy beer and like for all that said we'd be in fucking jail for that stuff today and you know parents are more on top of their kids my my my daughter we track her phone if she goes out don't tell her this we know where she is all the time we track her phone she you track her phone she doesn't even listen to your podcast it's a perfect marriage she'll never know you're tracking her listen oh my god i can't wait for my daughter to get your daughter drunk tonight i think they're arguing over who drives because it's going to

be mimi and the two of them and somebody's going to be driving to get them to places. And the other two go out and do the dares. Really? Yeah. It's not that now. No, no. Halloween is scary. It turns out I've never been scared of Halloween. Now I am.

The other show that I watched stumbled on it, just like, you know, turned on Netflix. It was featured. Oh, it's featured because it's big. I said, this sounds interesting. The Queen's Gambit, a girl who plays chess, turned it on and cut to four hours later. We've just binged four of the, I think there's probably six episodes. It is so goddamn good. This woman, I forget her name, Something Gay, her last name is Gay. She's done a bunch of stuff. She's like that. Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of buzz about the whole thing. Oh, my God. It's going to win all the awards. And here's the best part. I'm not giving anything away because it's pretty much out there. She's an orphan who gets taught chess by the janitor at the orphanage. And this is back in the 50s.

And she goes on to become a wizard. Wizard? Wizard. A master. Master. Yeah. There is some name. There is some name in the chess, like tiers of.

Anyway, go ahead. Let's just go with Grand Wizard. You watch it. You watch Grand Wizard. So it's the KKK in chess, which really nobody in the KKK knows how to play chess. That's what's ironic about it. Some of the the knight. What is it?

The bishops. The bishops look very KKK. The. Yeah, you got to see that. the uh yeah you got to see the it's very tough to play uh chess against the real grand wizard because there's little tiny sheets over each of the player um also it's like you break out the chess that are i'm white i'm white it's like calm down jesus all right fine so uh anyway the best part is at the end of it it's this wild story and everybody today is so indoctrinated to then go online was it true which part was true none of it none of it

there's things called writers and they have imaginations and before the last 10 years they used to just create stories that were fantastic and had conflict and character development and resolution. And now it's I was relieved that it wasn't true at the end. Right. Yeah, I have to see it. I heard it's very good. OK, a couple of things, though. I'm saving it because I'm kind of cherishing the idea to watch David Burns, you know, American Utopia, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's watch that for next week. I did watch.

I had never seen the Hitchcock Rebecca, and I had heard it was really good. So I watched Rebecca, and I thought it was awful. But I think, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I think they pushed this new one more towards some supernatural stuff than Hitchcock did. I'd like to think that. I don't know. If anyone knows, if any listener can compare this Rebecca with the last one, I'd love to hear it. I have not seen Chicago 7.

Have you? Yes. So I've got to hear it. I have not seen Chicago 7. Have you? Yes. So I've got to see that. Sasha Baron Cohen, thumbs down. Really? It was the accent. He just didn't get the accent. He was trying to play like a Boston thing, but his own British accent was leaking through.

It was weird. Don't do a Boston accent. Clearly try to hide your British accent, which would be confusing. But just pick whatever American accent you can do. Yeah. Who, just like the true story thing. Also, they keep these movies, every single one, keeps bragging when it is based on something true. How much the guy looks like.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Who cares? Who cares? I don't give a shit. And, oh my God, did that affect your casting decision? Yeah. You didn't cast, like, a better actor

because he didn't have as round a face as this guy? What? Yeah, yeah. Now, when Sacha Baron Cohen can't, first of all, I want to say, I think the guy, I don't use this word a lot is a genius. He's a he's a comic genius. And what he is able to do with the Borat movies and is really as good as comedy gets because it's original. It's it's laugh out loud funny. It has a point. It's what he believes. But his acting sometimes, it's hard to get lost in his character when he acts in other roles. Who am I? Who the fuck am I?

Sitting in this little fucking office with this lame little Irish cap. My daughter shaves my head. I got a hemorrhoid. I can't fucking sleep. And I'm sitting here judging Sasha Baron Cohen. Shut up! Greg, I don't throw this word around a lot, but you're not a genius.

So. You don't throw that phrase around a lot? Yeah, yeah. Well, the word genius, too, no matter what it's prefaced by. No, what are you talking about? Don't compare. You know what I read?

A little self-help thing. Don't compare yourself to others now. Compare yourself to you yesterday. Oh. Yeah. What if I was doing better yesterday than I am now? There's a fucking pandemic going on. Compare yourself to someone else who's doing shitty.

That's my belief. My belief is no matter how bad your life is, there's always some fucking orphan in a garbage dump looking for tin. Jesus, that's where you go for someone who's worse than you? That's where I got to go. I got to go all in. You don't go to some Lori Loughlin or some rich dick who's not a good person? Oh, that's true.

I'm going to go with Lori Loughlin this month. You go to an innocent baby by a garbage dump? Or a monkey picking 400 coconuts? For Costco. Not even for Whole Foods. For fucking Costco. We wonder why. Hey, you've got to come to Costco. It's so why. Hey, you got to come to Costco.

It's so cheap. Hey, look at the price of that. Monkeys put that dishwasher together. You wonder why. By the way, you wonder why the meat department, you get prime steaks for so cheap at Costco. You look in the back, there are all these monkey butchers through the glass, bagging rotisserie chickens,

400 rotisserie chickens. You're drinking your coconut milk. What's this little hair? Is that the hair from the coconut show? No, that's a chimp. That's chimp hair. Peter goes to Costco. Who approved the purchase of this monkey coconut milk?

The managers are all monkeys. We did. By the way, 400's a down day. Just so you know, that's an off day. Too many breaks. You go to get your glasses, and the guy doing the optometry test is a fucking monkey. Yeah, totally.

Like Costco sold out of bananas again. Every time. Every time. Where are the profits going? You know, our bottom line should be higher. Totally. But even the monkeys can't get through an eight-pound bag of pine nuts. Even they're like, this is who, who can, who can do that?

And if you don't keep an eye on them, they're going to start jerking off. Clean up an aisle for again. Right. Totally. Oh boy. All right. Let's hit some sports, Mike. do it oh boy tampa bay buccaneers god damn tom brady the bet goes on if you're just tuning in we started a bet at the beginning of the football season. I believe that Tom Brady, along with Gronkowski,

reunited on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They were rated, by the way, at the beginning of the year. You know, ESPN does the power rankings every week, and they list the order of the teams. They were like 27 out of 32 teams, and they are now like 5-1. They are kicking ass. And you've lost 50 bucks every week that they've beat the spread. So you're down 100 bucks right now.

They've only lost once. Maybe twice. But how is Vegas like you are aware of this? How is Vegas? So what was the point spread last week? Eight and a half. And they lost. They won by 25. Yeah, it was 45-20 over the Raiders.

And the week before, they scored 35 unanswered points to win, I think it was by like 28. And the point spread on that game was like three and a half. So this week it's the Giants. The point spread, you know this, the point spread started at like eight and immediately went up to Tampa Bay giving away 12 and a half points. To the Giants in New York. This is the only reason I'm looking forward to this game, which I'll probably just watch updates on my phone as I do something better.

But it's Monday night. Holy crap. Will the country be looking for things both sides to calm them down Monday night? Yes. You know, 13 hours before the polls open. Yes. And also, Giants always, as bad as the Giants are, they always draw a big audience.

And, you know, they've got to plan against a marquee team, Tom Brady. First of all, on my bookie account, I'm taking a large portion of my $825 and I've put it on the Buccaneers this week. I think they are going to destroy the Giants. They're going to go way past 12 and a half points.

Do you know if it's at home or not? It's in New York. Also, I imagine Tom Brady loves that stage. Yep. New York City. So why is it only 12.5 points? Does someone get hurt? Well, the Chiefs are playing against, I think, the Dolphins or the Jets, one of the worst teams, and it's a 21-point spread right now.

Jets, holy crap, I'm cursed with them. All right, time for a Gator update. God, do I love following Southern College football complete morons, complete, complete morons. A day after the number 10 Florida Gators resumed practice, the athletic department provided its latest insight into the COVID-19 spike that caused the two-week football shutdown. Florida reported six new positive cases among football players in the past week as a result that were available Monday. The numbers do not include coaches or staffers.

At least three coaches have also tested positive this month, including the head coach, Dan Mullen. Here were the stats that the U.S. Keep in mind, these cannot be verified. This is what the University of Florida provides. October 6th, there was one positive. October 13th, five positives. October 20th, it took a little jump.

Twenty-five positives. Jesus.th, it took a little jump. 25 positives. Jesus. How many players are left? October 27th, which is what we just reported, six positives. Since the start of October, the University of Florida reports 37 positives among football players. So in what world are they operating where there's still a team? They're playing tonight against Missouri or something.

And it's like so many of their players are out. It's crazy. So this article goes, it's looking more and more like the college football national championship won't be determined by which team has the best players, but instead by which team has the best immune system. Or how about which team actually listens to science? By immune system, it means, well, they're all just going to be idiots and we'll see who can resist the virus the best.

Maybe that's what the thoughtful journalist meant. Now, 37 positives. I think you carry 44 players on a football team, right? No, there was high numbers. There was something like 56 scholarship players. I remember reading it. I don't know about college football because it's stupid. No, but I think for suiting up, I think 40 suit up. So 37 of the 40. And this is like Florida man times 44.

Right. Florida men. That should be our new segment. Right. And the cheerleading squad, meanwhile, there's been seven cases of chlamydia just in the last week. So those numbers are going down. So there's always a silver lining. How's the marching band doing, by the way? A bunch of nerds spitting, spitting into tubes while marching about six inches from each other? And by the way, has football practice changed since I played football? Aren't you constantly hugging

guys on the ground? Rolling around, piling on, lining up six inches away from a guy, just breathing so heavily because you're out of breath and firing that into his face? Yeah. And then you go and you watch

tape. You sit in a small room, packed in, and you watch videotape of the other team. Here's another little quote. Just look at number one ranked. They're talking about football. Just look at number one ranked Clemson, which just lost its star quarterback for this week's game. So, again, I don't even understand this college football sports reporting.

What do you mean just for this week's game? Yeah. If he just tested positive, what are you talking about? Is he going to play in a bubble? So, um, and it says possibly he might be out next week. Um,

or the number nine, Wisconsin Badgers who's starting quarterback tested positive and is out. At least this one says for at least three weeks. Also, I think it was Clemson, the starting quarterback and his prized receiver, both tested positive. It's crazy. I don't even know. I don't even know how this is. Well, look at the run out of players. Look at the Dodgers. First of all, we should explain to people that we each prepare different part, different sections.

We pick stories and Mike's is sports. Oh, are you distancing yourself from this? Our home team, the L.A. Dodgers, won the World Series. Nothing. Not a fucking word. We talked about it up top. Did we? Yeah, Turner coming on the field, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right. That red-headed bastard. I don't even want to get into that story. All right, let's get to some science. Finally. Okay, there's an extremely rare metallic asteroid lurking between Mars and Jupiter that's worth more than the entire global economy. Hubble telescope showed us the object, which is worth an estimated 10,000,

ready? Quadrillion dollars. The asteroid 16 Psyche, one of the most massive objects in the solar system, roughly the size of Massachusetts. Most asteroids are made of rocks or ice. 16 Psyche Huh. I like that. How many zeros in 10,000 quadrillion? To wrap your head around that, the only people that can wrap their head around that number are Spectrum Cable subscribers. Because for the first few months, it's like $120. And then all of a sudden, it's 10,000 quadrillion. Yeah, right.

And you're like, wait, did the HBO offer expire? Because I don't know how you got to 10,000 quadrillion, but this always happens. And they lower it again and then right back up to 10,000 quadrillion. I was on the phone with them yesterday doing exactly that, saying, what's going on? Oh, well, you had the silver premium package, but that expired. We'll re-up it. Okay. You haven't gone. Go ahead.

Why not just make that the rate? I mean, what the fuck? Meanwhile, you want to say to them and then they said oh we also just had a rate hike they just raised the i go you realize people can go they can untether from their cable like that and everybody's deciding whether to do it so you're raising your rates right by the way you haven't gone out like I cut everything. All I have is Internet. And I went over to YouTube. I mean, can we ask for a sponsorship? Because I will rave about YouTube TV. Really? It's the best.

And you can get all the channels, network channels, everything, including local, everything on your phone, wherever. How much? If I'm on my way home and there's even like, I'm not even going to like, oh, we're on AM radio is this game. I'll just put it on my YouTube TV and listen to the game. I also watch as I drive. What does it cost? What? What does it cost?

It's half a quadrillion. No, it's 50 a month. That's not cheap. $50 a month for every channel. Well, what do you mean? Do you get Comedy Central and ESPN? No, you want to know when I, this is when I switched. The Michael Jordan documentary comes out, right?

I go to my cable. Meanwhile, I've told my cable, I hate you guys. Cut me down to the lowest package, okay? My girls don't even know how to operate the cable box. All they watch is Netflix, Amazon, you know, Hulu. So I go, we basically don't even need cable, but you're also giving me my Wi-Fi and all that bullshit, and I got HBO, right?

So I go to ESPN. Sorry, you don't get ESPN. I'm, what? And by the way, my thing was so low spectrum. Didn't even give me like CNN and Emmett. Like I'm like, well, who doesn't get CNN on a basic package? So they're like, yeah, I know you have to go up on them. Like, all right, listen. And I told them, all I want to do is watch ESPN for five weeks or whatever the hell it was. They're like, okay, great. So that's going to be $50. It's going to be $70. I was like,

wait, what are you talking about? And like the next tier up would be the new package costing you $70 on top of the hundred something you pay. I'm like, get fucked. I go, you realize YouTube TV, which comes with ESPN gives gives me more than you guys are giving me. Everything, CNN, every basic channel, and they're $50 a month? I could even just add them and keep you, and I'd still be better off? And she's like, I know, it's a big problem. She literally said that. Wow, no shit.

Wait, so I can pay $50 for that. Netflix is actually going up. Once they get you, they start jacking. They've been jacking it up once a year. No, it's been two years, two years. Now they're going to jack it again. It's going to be $18 a month. And then Hulu's $15. I got that. Amazon is another $120. How much is it a month? $12 a month? I don't know.

But they're starting to package them. Like you can get, you know, HBO, Apple Plus and Showtime for like nine a month. Like start looking for packages. Yeah. I'm going to switch it up. Apple's also free if you buy certain Apple products. Getting back to this asteroid, just so you know, because I don't want to waste the joke. Kobe actually knew about that asteroid way back.

Yeah. And he considered buying it because it was worth $10,000 quadrillion. He was considered buying that for his wife after he allegedly did not rape that girl in Colorado. Allegedly. Allegedly did not rape that girl in Colorado. That's right. Right, right. I wonder if a lawyer, I think that covers me for both sides. That was my joke at the time.

You know he bought, this is true, after he allegedly did not rape that girl and allegedly rape, I guess I got to put that in there, that girl in Colorado, he bought his wife a four million dollar eight carat purple diamond ring yeah and my joke at the time was two million dollar ring cheating four million dollar ring rape yeah right Yeah. You got to be careful, man. He's allegedly the third best basketball player of all time.

Ari Shafir said something about him when he died and he got driven out of the business. Be careful. Oh, no, no. It wasn't good. Yeah. He did it the day of. And I think it was very insensitive to his family directly, not even indirectly. Yeah. Right. Right. His daughter and stuff, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Ari's not known for sensitive sensitivity. That's his thing. He does. He does obituaries. Whenever somebody dies, he shits on them. That's like his thing. They're smart. We will listen. We used to do that. You know, Jeff Ross's show, which I ran. We would do Too Soon, which we would pick in a person who died that week and roast them. There are ways to do it which are smarter than Ari sometimes does them. And I love Ari, but he's also trying to make noise with them, you know? Yeah.

Speaking of which, let's get to our obituary. That's all, folks. This week, very sad. You know, I can't say very sad when a guy lived to be, I don't know, this guy was in his 80s. But Billy Joe Shaver, who a lot of people credit as being the guy who really started the outlaw country movement. You know, Waylon Jenningsnings and uh willie nelson and um johnny cash was johnny cash outlaw country i guess so right yeah um but merle haggard's the granddaddy kind of oh merle haggard yeah so but billy joe is amazing so he was a guy i got

to know through norm mcdonald not no but but got to know of through Norm Macdonald's love for him. And I think he considered him one of his closest friends. Yep. It was kind of a beautiful relationship. Like he was constantly going out to go see him and they'd hang out and you, you, you were hanging out with Norm at that point. Absolutely. I was like supposed to go one time and you know, Ben Hoffman did go with him. know ben was a writer on the show and anyway yes norm loved him yeah um so i watched the episode that uh norm had him on his show and he did usually on his show he does a bunch of other shit then he brings the guest on and he he had billy joe walk on at the beginning of the show he played two or three songs it was just celebration of the guy's life and you fell in love with him through doing it and by the way he made he made adam eget dress

up as woody from two from toy story you know that with the corny cowboy outfit that's perfect so humiliating it was brutal and uh and so Norm was talking about it. He said to Billy, he goes, hey, remember the time I made a suggestion and you changed the word to one of your songs and you punched me in the face? And Billy's like, yeah, I remember that. That's great. But just a crazy life. Had his fingers sawed off, like three of his fingers were sawed off in a sawmill accident.

He was at Willie Nelson's picnic when he met Waylon Jennings. Waylon heard him singing some of his songs and asked if he had more. asked if he had more so shaver wrote most of the songs on on uh waylon jennings seminal 1973 outlaw country album honky tonk heroes which was like his biggest album so shaver released a bunch of his own albums toured wrote songs by you know elvis presley willie nelson but really lived a hard life big drinker drug Wife died of breast cancer. His son, his son who played with him died. I can't remember how he died, but he shot and killed a guy in a bar.

And Robert Duvall came to his defense at the trial. It's a weird defense when your defense is, I just shot him to watch him die. It's like, wait, that's Johnny it's like wait that's johnny cash's defense and that didn't work but then he then he cues the song and people get it yeah yeah oh that's cool yeah i get it that's romantic uh mike after the obituaries by the way hold on uh a lot of people will be talking right before the podcast we learned Sean Connery died. Oh, right, right.

90 years old. This is what I'll just say. If you want to lighten your sadness, maybe, on Sean Connery, there is a fascinating, very short one-minute clip on YouTube, and it's in a lot of places. Just Google or YouTube, search Sean Connery slapping women and take a look. Oh, yes. I've seen that. It's the Barbara Walters. You won't see him slapping women, to be clear, but you'll see him talking about it and Barbara Walters giving him a chance

to backpedal out of it. Yeah. And he doubles down. Yeah. Yeah. It's fascinating. All right. We got to move this along, man. All right. So let's get to the funnies. We're going to start off with our old friend Andy Kapp. I went way back and looked for one of the early ones. This one's cute. And again, the funnies is like you've read a lot of stuff.

Stuff has affected you. Maybe you're a little despairing about the state of the world. Then you get to the funnies. Cheers, Yav, especially as a woman. I think they feel more. It's an emotional ride. And then you get to the funnies and they get to read things like this. Andy Kapp, a guy is outside Andy Kapp's house and he can overhear Andy's wife say, look here, Andy, if you think I'm going, if you think I'm going to sit home while you go out and, and then the sound thump comes out of the apartment. And then you hear her say, what do you want for supper? Final frame, Andy walking down the street with his friend and he

says, women are a bit like gardening, Chalky. They need a little dig now and again. What? This is like a parody account. Yeah, I know. Like, how can we make this incredibly violent? Thump. What do you want for supper? She becomes Irish. After he hits her,

she becomes Irish. It is like you could fill in those thought bubbles. You could take these very drawings and people do that and fill in a kinder story, maybe. That's crazy. Yeah. All right, let's move it. What do we got? Almost as crazy as

Haggar the Horrible. He's sitting on a fucking chair. He's got his feet up. Helga is sweating, carrying a giant basket full of laundry. And he goes, Helga, would you get me a cold beer while you're up? She goes, can't you see I have my hands full? He leans back, puts his finger in the air. He goes, that's okay.

I'll wait till you put it down. You know, I think we might have, I think we might have done this one before. Well, Mike, I thought we'd do it again. Oh, it's intentional. Maybe we didn't get it right the first time because this is a kinder, gentler side. Let's ask Chris Denman. Chris, did I do this one before?

He'll text you. Apparently I might have said Barbara Walters. Someone else instead of Barbara Walters. That's who interviews. That's who interviews Sean Connery. Here's one. Before you read Family Circus, we got a note from a guy, Cheryl, from a woman, Cheryl.

She says, I love Sunday papers. You and Mike are hilarious. Fun fact about drunkard Bill Keen and Family Circus. He himself says that the strip was not meant to be laugh out loud funny all the time, which is probably the most obvious thing mankind has heard in a while. He once said, quote, I don't have to come up with a ha-ha belly laugh every day,

but drawings with warmth and love are ones that put a lump in the throat or tug at the heart. That's more important to me than a laugh. I'd rather have the readers react with a warm smile as they recall doing the same things in their own family. Hmm.

So not a ha-ha belly laugh. How about his goal should just be a, huh? Yeah. Huh, what did he mean there? Or, huh, I'm outraged. Why am I feeling so furious? Yeah, he's provoking an emotion. I think he's not really in touch with which emotions he's provoking.

Yeah. Yeah, anyway, Cheryl's on top of it because I didn't go to this week's provoking. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, Cheryl's on top of it because I then go to this week's family circus. The mom has the grocery bags on the kitchen counter. She's unpacking. There's a pumpkin on the counter. Little girl pointing at it. Little boy pointing at it. I think the little girl then is yelling, Daddy, we bought a pumpkin, but we need you to show us what kind of face he has. Period. End quote. So first of all, it looks like she's wearing a Charlie Brown shirt. You see that design on it? Yeah. That might be the most interesting thing. But so this

is the Halloween installation, installment of Family Circus. And it's kind of, there's a meta quality to it. Like there's, there's a very sneaky, subtle, subliminal thing going on, which is this is a piece of feces that is masquerading and dressed up and disguised as a comic. That's what he's done here. That's what trick. We didn't want a treat. We wanted a trick. A treat would have been a little more effort, maybe a tiny bit more time before he went out to the golf course to try

to make this funnier or even cuter. And listen, buddy, I'm not looking for a ha ha belly laugh. I'm just looking for something that doesn't want to make me want to just light this paper on fire and then stick it under my chin. So my head erupts on fire. But that's what this is. This is a little trick that masquerades a turd. This is an egg on the side of your house. And again, written by Bill and Jeff Keen. There were two heads working on this one, back and forth. Bill, what do you think?

Are we done? Well, we tee off in 12 minutes, so yeah, we're fucking done. Even the mom, look at her. She's walking like, oh, what a piece of... That is so funny you say that. I had the exact same thought. That's the least cute thing I've ever heard a kid say, the stupidest things.

The mother is always in the background, never facing the kids, always looking embarrassed that she's in this fucking cartoon. All right. Let's bring this home with the Blondie. I got another note from Gary Morris who said, I had to email you this little nugget of info I stumbled on. There are a few Blondie and Dagwood cartoons from the 80s, I believe. You'll never go to Pornhub again.

Blondie is drawn as an absolute bombshell. This was a sitcom. Here's the kicker. Blondie, no, it was a cartoon. Here's the kicker. Blondie is voiced by 70s and 80s blonde bombshell Lonnie Anderson. Does it get any better than that? So I looked it up online.

He sent me a link. And it's Blondie and it's Lonnie Anderson's voice. But the drawings are just not there. The crease at the bottom of the breasts that we look for, the bowling pin calf, it's not there. They flattened her out. They made it Saturday morning friendly. So I went back and I found an old Blondie. I thought you'd like this one. This is like vintage Blondie. Okie doke. And if you remember, and I researched this, the premise of Blondie, and this goes back to the 1920s.

Dagwood was a playboy, playboy millionaire, and Blondie was a showgirl. And now Dagwood is on the phone wearing a tuxedo, bow tie, spats, and he's on the phone, and he says, No, Mother, I refuse to come to your party unless Blondie is invited too. And then you can hear the mother say, But my guest list will all be very cream of society. Blondie will disgrace us. Wow.

Disgrace you? How about she'll make the fucking party? How about she'll saunter into that room and every fucking, every monopolist, every guy standing there with a fucking monocle in his eye and a gold chain to his watch, they're all going to pop boners and think this is the best goddamn party I've ever been to.

Look at this piece of ass. Not only that, I'm going to cuck this guy Dagwood. I'm going to I'm going to take this girl in the powder room right now while this sad sack talks to his mother while she demeans the hottest piece of ass I've seen in a decade. Yeah, I think that's exactly how it would go down. So that's how monopolists that's how they think. Is that a word, monopolists? Well, it seems like he wants, in your story, it seems like he wants Blondie all to himself. So I think that works.

I don't think anyone has self-described themselves as a monopolist. I could have said oligarch. Yeah, rich guys. I'm reading the biography of the Morgan family right now. Oh, really? Pierce Morgan and... Pierpont Morgan.

Ah. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. It's really interesting. I mean, Jesus, it was the Wild West, man. Banking was the Wild West. These guys just came in and they went,

we're going to buy all the railroads. And there was no regulations. And anyway, let's wrap this up. Mike, anything to plug? Well, I think I'm supposed to say vote. Go out and vote. How about this? Next, imagine, I can't. What we'll be talking about on our next podcast. Yeah. Well, there's three options. Either Trump's president again. Biden's president or most likely it is drawn out and we don't have a winner yet. What's crazy is there could be a I can't think of it, but there's probably a third possibility we can't even dream of. I mean, a fourth. How likely do you think there'll be riots

and people will die? Well, it's probably an unpopular opinion, but I'm, and I think I may have talked about this last week. I'm more afraid of the left if Trump wins, if Trump steals it. So keep in mind, not just a Trump win, but if Trump steals it even more so like than the Hillary, like if Trump really steals it, the left is going to lose. There's just like no going forward. The left is going to lose it. Wait, define steals it. Like, like it's, it's clearly a counterfeit win where the Supreme Court got involved and really did not count, made it, made a very obvious effort that even both sides could agree on where the votes just were not counted when they should have been.

Or hides behind. I don't know. Hides behind rumors that, you know, it's unfair because, you know, Russia hacked something. Or bullying at the polls, poll watchers. Yeah. Or like really conspicuous amount of votes for the left are missing in like counties in Texas or Georgia or Wisconsin or Pennsylvania. If something like really smells fishy in Pennsylvania. Yeah. And again, I'm not I'm not saying that my premise is a situation where it's really obvious there's been foul play, not by Russia, but by the right, by the right. People are buying guns like crazy. And if Biden wins, if Biden wins, I just don't believe there's enough organized militia and organized people that, you know, the left keeps talking about in a fearful way. I just you have to be super, super organized. If you think you have a shot at like overthrowing

the government or something like and that it's just not there. Also, the military is not behind Trump. And that's what that's the one part of the playbook that a fascist has that he never got is he alienated the military and you need them to take over. Yeah, but we'll see, man. What a crazy week. Never mind where the virus is going to be seven days from now. Well, we'll be together with our families at your sister's house watching it on some outdoor screens.

I don't think anybody's going to drink or smoke pot because people want to have their wits about them to process whatever happens. Depending on how it goes, I might start doing both though. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, get out and vote and get out to the Tampa Bay SideSplitters Comedy

Club. I will be there. If you're still listening to the podcast at this point, I will be there November 19th to the 21st tickets at Fitz dog.com. Also don't forget, you can get yourself a grapefruit Simmons t-shirt. Like you saw Mike Gibbons wearing the other day on my Instagram account. Can, for the record that truly, I do a thing where I, even in the virus, I try to pick up at least five pieces of garbage on my walk back. That was not my can of truly. What is truly? Is it alcoholic?

It's what you serve my daughter when she's at your house. It's White Claw. It's another version of White Claw. All right. Well, listen, get a Truly, wrap it up in a piece of newspaper, throw it out. Recycle it. Same bin. Same bin as the Truly. Put your newspaper in it. Alrighty, man. Good luck. Listeners,

thank you for, if you're still there, thank you for listening. Boy, is it going to be a big news week no matter what. Yeah, brace yourself, sit with some loved ones, and everything's going to be all right no matter how it turns out. We're a great nation. We'll respond.

God bless. Or not. Take it ace. Take it ace. Get your facts straight. All the Sunday papers get you facts straight. With Mark Gillis, get your facts straight. All the Sunday papers get you facts straight.