Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 37 11/15/20

Episode Date: November 15, 2020

Consenting sex robots, a very hands on Florida theme park, and "Baby Fae" is remembered - Joanne writes in, still has a crush. 

all it's fit to print conspiracies and capers read all about it sunday papers coming to you hopefully on sunday some people reading it on monday that happens reading it around listen all about it listen all about it watch all about it. Listen all about it. Watch all about it on YouTube. You know, it's funny. Like a lot of people, not a lot, not a lot of people watch this show on YouTube. No, good. But a lot more watch this than watch my podcast.

So, Mike, they must want to see you. I think it's the closet. I think there's a little tour of it. It's not much going on. I like your color palette. It goes from blue to gray. It's amazing. It's the New Yorker in me, I think, probably.

Yeah. That was one. That was funny. Maybe you had the same thing. But when I took my girls back, one of the first times when they were little, they're uh we're walking along they're like every and they like whisper to me they're really tiny like everybody wears black and and then and then my other one goes and they all smoke but the reason was first of all everyone does wear black secondly they all smoke because they had outlawed smoking in buildings. So we

were walking on the sidewalk and all the smokers are down on the street. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so one of the things I want to mention is that, um, your erections people, let's improve them. Let's get them bigger, better, stronger. Let me tell you something. I'm in. Blue Chew is this amazing delivery service. You can get sildanafil and tadalafil. There it is. Ta-da. The first four letters. Ta-da. Ta-da. I would name one of them Boing, Boingalino or something. I would name one of them Boing Boingalino or something. But it's for people that don't like to take pills. You chew it.

You chew it. I've done it. They sent me some free samples. I tried it out on the wife. She didn't know what hit her. It was unbelievable. I imagine not. She's like, what are you chewing on?

I said, shut up. That's for a play. You're the only one chewing here right now. If your man is chewing, lock the doors. Put a tie on the door. Look, Blue Chew is affiliated with physicians. They work to find the dosage, active ingredient that's right for you. You can take it on a full stomach, empty stomach. Consultation with the doctor is free.

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once. I told you that last week. Once. Well, no. I definitely only took Viagra and masturbated once. That's a fact. Speaking of masturbation, there is an office available in my building for you. You mentioned this right before we started this and I'm interested. And then we both immediately realized something and said, save it for the podcast, which is we're both going to have to come up with some system of like a necktie on the door, as you mentioned. So we don't disturb each other when we're busily getting stuff done.

I think my signal will be if you hear Japanese, I'm busy. will be, if you hear Japanese, I'm busy. Okay. Are you kind of whispering it to yourself? I'd be impressed. Right. It's sexual Harry Carey. Yeah.

Yeah, we should have like a light on, kind of like, you know, a therapy office or something or like, you know, room in use. Right. On the air. How about like a studio on the air? Maybe we should just pick the 45 minutes that we're not and like sync up to that 45 minutes of social time. Right. That's true. And be like, listen, what's your four hour window today where i can't disturb you and try to align those as well and and it turns out it's while we're recording sunday papers

hopefully hopefully right speaking of which i had a uh you know everybody's got not everybody depending on where you live they have these neighborhood, I think it's called Neighborhood Watch? No, it's not Neighborhood Watch, whatever it's called. I'm on one of these groups. Next door? Yeah, yeah, next door. And mine is for Venice. And you can actually pick your own neighborhood within Venice.

It's not like the whole city. And so this one came in yesterday. A neighbor reported this one on Amoroso Place. On Tuesday, a neighbor was walking toward Oakwood when a man she described with a tan complexion had on a face mask, exposed himself to her. She walked to the store and when returning, mask exposed himself to her she walked to the store and when returning saw him standing on a cement planter of the house next door masturbating she went around the block to the fire department and by the time they walked her to the sidewalk he was gone this was 10 30 or so in the morning exclamation point i like that's the part that stands out. I know. It's like, are you that shocked that it said, how else do you start a day?

This was it. They don't mind the public exposure or the masturbating. It's the hour. Now, is she implying it's a white guy with a tan it sounds like sometimes sometimes these neighborhood groups it gets a little racist oh and that's that's all it does seemingly yeah yeah but she then would have seen his tan line i imagine is he tan all over i'm trying to figure out this guy. Face was tan.

So apparently he jerks off a lot at 1030 in the morning. He's getting a lot of sun. Sounds like Weinstein. He was on a potted plant jerking off. Weinstein? Oh, right, right. Yeah, maybe that's a fetish for these guys. I love that she didn't go to the police.

She went to the fire department. Like, did they drag a hose down? Were they going to, like, douse them with cold water like a dog? She probably got a little hot and bothered by the image and then went to the fire department. What a hotter group of dudes is that? You ever notice, like, I don't want to be a self-hating male, but has there ever been a situation where a woman exposed herself and then starts masturbating on the street? You know, as you said it, I like recoiled a little bit like that would be a disturbing.

That's the funny thing. I guess I'm learning more about me by my reaction. That just seems so disturbing and unnatural. Yet, for some reason, I've seen hundreds of guys do it and it's not disturbing and unnatural. Yeah, right. I've seen it on the subway, on the subway platform, all over New York. I've seen it in stores, all sorts of public transportation. And it's like, yeah, that guy's doing that. And if a woman did it, I'd be very concerned that she's truly- About her mental health. Yeah, that she's truly lost her mind. Yeah. Well, you could just ask her while

you're making love to her. That's what every guy would do. Oh, and this is the final line. If you see a situation that you're uncomfortable with, you should do exactly what this neighbor did. Call the police. Do not try to engage. What does engagement look like? I imagine it's donations of Lubiderm if you're a really Venice sort of soul. Yeah.

Yeah. Clean up after your dog and your masturbation, please. This is a nice neighborhood. Yeah. Do you have a bag? Do you have a bag for that? Yeah. Like a little give him a little doggy bag.

Yeah. By the way, shout out for today's song, which was a lot of fun. Alberta Costa. Costa. It's Costa. Did you like it? I'm going to be honest. I haven't heard it yet. I emailed it to you. Shit. All right. I got to listen to those. Also, last week.

I do hear them. I do hear them when I go to YouTube to cut the promo or look for clips. So I do hear them. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong, musicians. I love them. I just sometimes don't hear them at this point. Last week I shouted out the guy who sent me the song, but he wanted me to mention his band is called The Crispers. Or just Crispers. C-R-I-S-p-r-s on uh they're on spotify also the logo this week came from james i'm gonna fuck up his name wooder chick how would you say w-o-d-a-r-c-y-k we've slaughtered this name many times before he sends us a lot of these logos. He's very talented. Yeah.

What's the name of that painting it's based on? American Gothic? Oh, American Gothic. Is it? Is that the same as Whistler's mother? No. What do you mean the same as? Is that another name for the same painting?

No. I doubt that very much. Okay. Yeah. Is that the Mona Lisa also? Do you think in the old days guys jerked off to the Mona Lisa? I think very disturbed men probably did. Maybe that's why she has

that little grin on her face. Yeah. I'm going to swipe that grin off your face. Maybe someone did along the years. Right on it. Here you go with that cryptic look you're giving me. I can't read you. Take a little of this.

Now I read you. Think about over history, though. Like, we have access to high-definition porn by category. I mean, say you wanted to high definition porn by category. I mean, say you wanted to just to pick something random. Say you wanted something really specific like Japanese hidden camera massage lesbian porn. Totally random, right? You could find that. I've heard it's accessible.

But then you go back. I've heard it's accessible. But then you go back. I think we talked about in Italy, Mount Vesuvius. What town is Mount Vesuvius in again? Yeah, sure. They have temples that have porn, you know, graphic paintings. And you wonder, did people jerk off to that back then? That's the best they had.

Yeah, but think about what we did. You don't even have to go back that far. Yeah. There'd be. That's why the Seinfeld remembered. Wasn't it like Glamour magazine or something like that, that Victoria's Secret? No, this is this predated that I think he was anyway. But I remember as a kid, it would be like Mademoiselle magazine would have like self breast exam. Like that's all it took. Like as soon as my mom was looking the other way, that magazine and me were upstairs. Right. And she would always know you were jerking off to it because you would smell like perfume. And that have a lot of advice about cancer, which was odd for

a seventh and eighth grader. Yeah. And eyeliner. I had tons of advice. Mom, on those omelets, you want to add just a touch of vinegar before you flip it. We had one correction last week. We must have done pretty good last week. had one correction last week we must have done pretty good last week uh michael mulroy said it was jake tapper that embarrassed that dude about swearing on the bible not chris cuomo

i don't remember that i mean i don't remember us talking about it maybe you had said that we were talking about remember the guy was talking about how uh she she's Muslim, so she can't get elected because she can't swear on the Bible. Oh, right, right, right. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. I thought that dude was a coy way of saying Trump and the incident where he held up the Bible. Yeah. Which apparently he didn't hold it upside down, but whatever. It's fine. It's crazy that any of it happened. It's fine.

It's crazy that any of it happened. By the way, is it unusual? Like, I'm used to going out. If I'm not on the road, I'm out three or four nights a week doing stand-up. Three nights. And I'm watching four hours of TV a night. Is that normal? Everyone is watching so much.

Yeah. Everyone's caught up, basically. That's why something like the Queen's Gambit gets devoured. Not only is it good, it happens to be very good, but it's new. But in terms of like, remember in the first month

of the pandemic, we were doing crossword puzzles. People were learning languages. Like, there was so much like proactive self-improvement going on for me right now there is zero i know should we go play paddle after this if we get done early yeah that's a great idea like i would rush there because i've definitely and i guess this gets into you know a story we should talk about, which is the virus.

But like you knew early on and maybe to, you know, I like having contrarian views and all that. But early on, I was a bit of a doom and gloom. It turned out I was right. I guess the lesson I've learned is you don't have to publicize that you're right. Like I didn't have to be like, Hey, this is going to be half a million dead in this country or whatever it is. It's like, cause I was just going off these few scientists I found who seemed incredibly trustworthy and it turns out they're kind of right. So for a while it was like, it was interesting to watch how people were denying

it, how like, this is going to be over soon. like no need to shut down when it was like, well, I'm fucking done. I have such fatigue and I think it's because I'm realizing how dark this next chapter is going to be. And like the not being able to go out. Thanksgiving is effed. Christmas is effed. And it's like and I'm not talking about the joyous celebrations. I'm talking about being with family and having people over and and then just not having to be even more vigilant about distancing and social and lockdowns and shutting down. It's it's going to drive people crazy. Yeah, because we haven't had the pandemic during cold weather before. It started in the spring. So nobody has any idea how much more intense this is going to get,

how many schools are going to have to get closed down. And it's become so politicized now. You wonder if Biden could come into office and change the mindset of the country about shutting down or whether or not it's just become so such a hot button issue that people are just going to never fall into line. I think it has to be framed as like, listen, this is like exercise and like we don't want to do it, but it's going to be better if we do it. Like, in other words, suck it up for two. But let's say it's two months. Like, and he should have the team, which he's already assembled

of the best scientists, even with some contrarian views. I don't even mind that because I think I trust it more. And it'd be like, here, I'm making all this up. Of course, here's our panel. Here's five of the leading scientists on this issue. Four of them say, if we locked down for five weeks, like really didn't do much or, and I'm not talking about shutting business. I'm just even talking socially right now. Like mandatory masks do not know group gatherings of over whatever and all this. And like, and one guy thinks it's three months. And by the way, one guy thinks it's four weeks. So we're going to go with the mean, whatever it is, like something everyone can be like, that seems transparent and I can trust that.

And they framed it as this is a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain. Right, right, right. All right, well, that transitions us right into the front page, Mike. I forgot we were doing a podcast. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Okay, front page. You want to talk about this march that I hadn't heard anything about that's going on? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, I'm late. I was I was trying to go to this this white man march in Washington.

So they have pictures that are coming out right now. We're doing this podcast on Saturday. picture I saw, which a lot of people I think used, it showed like 50 to 60 people packed closely together with their flags marching on the street of Washington and their Trump supporters. They're being called the Million MAGA March. And in this picture of over 50 people, I wanted to be accurate about it because I wanted to just say, I don't see a single mask. I looked really closely and I counted four masks. I also counted five women and everybody was white. And I'm seeing tons of these pictures and they believe the election is fraudulent and they are out there protesting. Okay. So the Department of Homeland Security, which oversees election fraud, has come back, 19 members, and all said that they have absolutely

no factual basis that there's been any fraud. Every news media has looked at it. And besides Fox News says there's absolutely no fraud. At more than that. Yeah, go ahead. At what point? Is this going to be over or is this all like how is this end? Well, I think in fairness to the other side, they're saying, well, let every case be heard. So every single one has been rejected so far. Every single one. And keep in mind, rejected by judges that have been appointed by Trump over the last four years. Now, I shouldn't say rejected. No action has been taken on any single case.

And I and I think they've all been rejected. But regardless, none have moved forward. And and so I think that technically would be when it's like let go. But the other scary move, of course, is, you know, the Electoral College, let's say I'm Wisconsin. The Electoral College of Wisconsin can ignore the popular vote in their state and just say, you know what, we're going with Trump. Yeah, they can switch their vote. They're not they're not. Yeah, they're not obliged to vote according to their party. And that has to happen, I think, by December 12th. So there's a couple of people who are fearing that. I don't think that's something to be afraid of yet. Maybe I'm wrong. I think that's December 15th or something.

Yeah. So we'll see. But yeah, it's interesting. Well, there was that one guy who Trump tweeted and Tucker Carlson reported very angry, as if this would cost the election, that a dead guy had voted in I think it was in Georgia and

made a big story about it and it turns out that the guy's wife died yeah he did die they were talking about his wife's vote James Blallock and so Tucker Carlson actually apologized and admitted he said something that was erroneous.

That seems like a slippery slope. That should be incredibly slippery and steep for him, setting the precedent of an apology when he said something that's completely full of shit. Right. I remember watching a show when it's like, you know, someone has suggested defund the police. It's like, defund the police. Great idea. So when they come through your door to rape you, when your husband's away onund the police. He's like, defund the police. Great idea. So when they come through your door to rape you, when your husband's away on a business trip, it's like, wait, first of all, are we in the, is this story in the 50s?

When your husband's away and they, the royal they that he is, are going to come through your door and rape you and you're going to pick up the phone and die. It's like he, his famous move, and these are with all people who are not worth their salt. His famous move is absolutely changing the premise to serve his needs. And so he took defund the police to mean there are no longer police officers at all. Your town won't have a police station and they will be busting down your doors to rape you while your husband's away because he's the one who has a job. That's the premise

all of a sudden. Instead of hey, you know a lot, whatever, we don't have to go into it, but a lot of police have said holy crap, will you please put some of this money towards things we used to have, which was like a animal, animal, whatever it's called, like protection, whatever it is that they come out when there's a rabid dog or whatever it is like, that's not our job. Or when there's a mentally ill person, there used to be social workers that worked in conjunction with police forces. Please bring some of them back because we're overwhelmed with dealing with homeless people.

Truant officers. There's no longer truant officers. So you've got all these teenagers on the street and that's a fucking full-time job right there. Wise-ass teenagers? What, are you kidding me? Yeah, so police are shooting mentally ill people because to them it looks unbelievably threatening.

And maybe there definitely would be less of those cases if there was some mental health professionals either riding along or that they're the ones that are called when it's a disturbance of some guy ranting and raving on the street. By the way, you know, COVID is so bad right now. It's record highs every day of the case of new cases that are coming in. They're saying 150,000 new cases in a day. Oh, I thought it went to over 180 now. You know, the math is very, very scary. It's like the magic of compounding, as they say, with money.

So where is that? Oh, so based on this seven day average, the numbers will double every 19 days. So, um, did I tell you about the email I got that said I've been contact traced? I've been contact traced? No. What happened? I got this email, and so it was, this is how it begins. It begins really, like almost sounds mid-sentence. As you have been identified as a contact of someone who has recently tested positive for COVID-19,

you are under a legal obligation to self-isolate from now until the 17th of November, including this date. You must do this even if you do not have symptoms or you get tested and receive a negative result. This is because you may still be infectious with COVID-19. Are you sure this isn't a spam from your ex-wife? I looked. I immediately go. It's kind of like when Apple says, you've got to change your passwords. And you look, and it's like, it's not from Apple at all.

So I looked this up. And where is it? Of course, here it is. So here's the first clue that something was wrong. It was the NHS, National Health Service. So this is not from America. And it was to Perry Gibbons, P-E-R-R-I-E. So I pressed respond. And normally something like that would say like a do not respond to this address. But it did go to the NHS. And I'm imagining this is a Gibbons

in Ireland or England where there's no shortage of Michael Gibbons. And somehow my email address got linked to Perry Gibbons. Wow. So Perry, if you're listening, you should self-isolate because one of your careless friends caught the disease. If we could just get all of your cousins to listen to this podcast, we would be shooting up the charts. Look at this. This was a nice paragraph in there. If you are on low income and cannot work from home while self-isolating, you may be entitled to a one-off payment of 500 pounds. Wow.

And that's through the Test and Trace Support Payment Scheme. I wouldn't call it scheme, but they do over there. You hear about their scheme to pay these people who can't work from home? Well, they're still tracing in Ireland. They've given up tracing in this country. They say it's too widespread to try to trace any longer. They might be right. They say over a thousand people.

But that's no defense. Over a thousand people die a day from COVID, which if you just to put that in perspective, 3,000 people died on 9-11. Okay. If you just to put that in perspective, 3000 people died on 9-11. OK. And. This is this is for so far. What is it? Two hundred and forty thousand people have died. Yeah. That's four times as many people died in Vietnam. Four times as many. Right. Which people were in the streets protesting in every city.

And, you know, people might be quick to say, you know, my God, they're labeling COVID deaths of people who were on their last leg already with other sickness. But what counters that is and I forget the term they use, but how many more deaths above average America has experienced during this? So what did you say the number's at now? It doesn't even matter. A thousand a day? No, no, let's make it up. Let's say, just to keep it simple, let's say 300,000 Americans. It hasn't happened yet, but 300,000 Americans have been officially, I guess, deemed to have died from COVID, right? And now you're going to argue, if you don't believe that number, that, hey, listen, 50,000 of those or whatever it

is were heart disease. And this was the last thing. It's kind of like pneumonia. It's not like that. I shouldn't say that. It's kind of like saying a guy with AIDS has died of pneumonia. Like pneumonia came in at the last second. He was dying of AIDS. But he was compromised by the AIDS. True. So no, no. But he died of AIDS, really. So I mean, and so I'll give them a couple of, you know, a bunch of those for sure. But what they're saying is, OK, 300,000 have died of covid in America without covid. Let's say, you know, 30 million died. I don't know what the fuck it is. Let's say 30 million people die of disease and all that stuff. Well, they're saying that number is like 35 million

or something. And now you put the half million. I've even lost track of my thing. I lost track of what you're saying. But I think the point you're trying to make is if you take the average of how many people are dying every year, it's over and above that by about 250,000 people. Yeah. There's a death impact and they have a name for it. That's not it. There's a death impact that COVID has not enough beds to treat other people, people not going to the hospital. beds to treat other people, people not going to the hospital. And also people who have died, who never got diagnosed or any treatment, they died at home. And yes, maybe they had diabetes and were really overweight and sick or had heart or immunocompromised in another way. And they've passed away too. So anyway. Wow. That was good, Mike. Boy, I wish I could get that time back, because especially the people who are dying of this,

having to listen to that, that's another thing that just killed them is my story about them dying. Yeah, because they're saying suicide rates are up because of this. And I looked it up, and there's actually no conclusive study of that. There's obviously anecdotal evidence of people killing themselves because of the pandemic, but it is much too difficult to gauge if there's actual stats that you can assign to that. What about the therapy thing, Mike?

That's what it is. Pandemic spurs. Here's the headline. A boom in outdoor therapy sessions. Due to the coronavirus, many mental health providers are conducting therapy remotely. While research shows teletherapy works, virtual meetings don't work for everyone. This person interviewed said, I'm a therapist and it can be challenging to observe patients' nonverbal behaviors or convey empathy via Zoom. When someone cries, for instance, it can be helpful to hand them a tissue. Teletherapy disrupts this simple in-person expression of care. Right. So, I don't know.

The article went on to say that this therapist has set up their therapy in their backyard. But is it helping the person that now they're crying out in a backyard and being mocked by all your neighbors? Yeah, there's just people sitting at windowsills, looking down, laughing. Honey, here's another tissue case. He's adding another box of tissues to some lunatic. And then they all start throwing box of tissues out their windows at the guy and laughing. Yeah. They're right in the dust on his car like cry baby.

He goes back to that after a session. Yeah. You're live streaming. Also, I don't want to see the fucking my therapist, you know, three story house with the manicured backyard. Right. You know? No, totally.

Is this where it's going? Speaking of which. The article also said they're doing therapy walks. Oh. Which would be good because at least my therapist wouldn't fall asleep during our session. We've talked about that, but not in a while. Has your therapist ever fallen asleep? No. Mine did.

I had an older guy in New York and this was the most telling thing and really should have been discussed because this would have been a breakthrough. I felt it was my fault he fell asleep. I felt it was my fault he fell asleep. And regardless of how deep that went, I would like cough or like hit his desk. I would make sure I was mid-sentence, though, to allow him to save face to wake up. Unbelievable. Yep.

And then I would never address it. Wow. Yeah. In a way, a therapist should do that to test what sort of balls and self-fortitude there, because that speaks volumes about me. Yeah. It's like my mother realized she was codependent at a certain age and at an older age. And she went off and she went to this place, codependency camp, CODA camp, where you like stay in cabins and you have roommates and and all that. And there was a it was a fire alarm one night and she ran outside and then she started celebrating because she realized that she didn't check on her roommates first. She was so happy.

She called me when she got back. She's like, I think it worked. And then she's like, and Gregory, it's even a bigger celebration because I lit the fire. I mean, I could have never done that a week ago. I locked the door on the way out. It was hilarious.

Zero dependence. Zero. As a matter of fact, I got to go. This is, all of a sudden you hear the prison automated message, like you have one more minute on your call. No longer codependent. Did you smell smoke in your house? Yeah.

I've been trying to get a therapist, and let me tell you something. I called seven therapists from the Writers Guild Health Insurance. I looked them up. That was eight days ago not one of those motherfuckers has called me back because i hear they're all booked up but you know what if you're booked up you call somebody who's vulnerable and possibly in trouble back and you give them a

referral or at least you get back to them and say i I'm busy. Totally. So I was seeing a private guy for Adderall. Right. And it was basically you have to check it. You know, you have to check in with them every time they refill. Like, how's your heart? How are you feeling, Bob? Because, you know, they don't want blood on their hands if you have a heart attack. But it was like expensive for this, you know, phone session. And I'm like, gee, why aren't this is so all you have to do is renew my stupid. I barely take the stuff and I take such a little amount. All that's in my records. And you can also tell by the frequency of my refills. So I go, I'm going in, in network. So I go in network, same experience as you impossible to get anybody. I finally found a

place that seemed like a factory. Like a lot of them was like Santa Monica psychology group or whatever. So they then go, they, they hear me out. I'm like, this is simple. I just want to not pay as much for my refills. That's it. You know, to get, to see someone. So, uh, they're like, sure. So they give me a guy five minutes into his intake of how are you? What's your family history? But he's like, OK, so I'm not. This is God's honest truth.

He's like, OK, so I totally hear what you're saying. This is easy and should be very simple. I'm not licensed in America yet. I was like, sorry. He's like, I'm Canadian. And because this is a class one drug, I believe it is. It's amphetamines. I have to have a special license and that should be coming in any day. And I'm like, that's how few people are available. This this place, Santa Monica, like psychiatry group gave me someone who's not even licensed.

Yeah. And I know that's how crazy the world is right now. Everybody needs a fucking shrink. And you know what else? You can't get a tee time in L.A. anymore. These are very wide problems. But I'm telling you, I wanted to play golf. My mom's coming to town next week. I looked online.

Every public course in L.A. is booked up two weeks in advance. Shrinks and golf. That's what people are doing in L.A. right now. And listen, think about how lucky we are. Honestly, like you brought it up earlier. We have year round outdoor weather. Restaurants on Main Street here in Santa Monica and all over L.A. with a couple of heat lamps can be year round. Like when I was in Wyoming a few weeks ago, they, my buddies, they were,

they were joking. Like you missed summer by two days because they had a, an odd, an odd warm fall. And then like just the lights went off and it was then 20 degrees like the next night. And that was it. There's not enough heat lamps when it's in the thirties or twenties. And I think New York is going to do that. And there's no longer these little escapes. Right. Right. I mean, you have to be a hardy MF to like throw on snowshoes or just throw on the warmest jacket to go for a walk when it's 15 degrees. Yeah. I think about that when I walk my dog at night and it gets down to 58 and I'm bundled up. And I think, what about people in New York City when it's fucking 15 and the wind's howling and you got to go outside and walk? You're like, I would just I'd give the dog away.

I'd be like, fuck this. Yeah. And you're thinking, what are most people who walk my type of dog with the wind blowing up their skirts? They must be so freezing with their lady dogs out on a walk. I think we're being particularly annoying on this podcast with our therapy talk and golf. Well, here's the cherry on this icing. What's the name of my favorite name of one of your dogs? Brulee?

Yes. Here, Brulee. Here, Brulee. Here, Brulee. It's so embarrassing when I have to call for him. Like if I go to a dog park, I'm not making this up. I say, come here, Bruce. I butch him up for the park. Bruno.

Bruno. And he doesn't come. He doesn't come. No, he's looking around like, what are you doing? I've heard my name four million times, and you've never said it like that. He's looking around for Bruce. Also, I'm Brule. Brule doesn't come when asked.

You have to come pick me up. He can do finger snaps, even though he has no thumb. He has a thumb. It's just halfway up its arm. Somehow Brule manages to do it. Manages snaps. No, we do sound like that. It was funny you just said that's a white person problem. It's kind of an interesting way to look at it. Right now, a white person problem is not getting your president reelected. That's that's what they're all protesting in Washington today. The by the way, I watched it. I was watching TikTok.

And they showed a Louis C.K. clip where he said, we've all got white people's white people problems. You know what that means? You know what a white person problem is? And I literally think he might have coined that phrase because he did a whole bit about white people problems. And he wasn't saying it like it was an existing lexicon. He was. I think I think it's his. Is that the one where he talked about white people are the only ones who want to get in a time machine? No, he talks about people flying across the country, but they complain about having to sit on the tarmac. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great.

Yeah, that's great. You know, the time travel one, though, right? No, what's that? Well, it's it is absolutely so true. It's like, hey, here's a time. Hey, here's a time machine. You get in there, you can go anywhere you want. You can go back and like black people like, yeah, no thanks.

Like, and white people can be like, yeah, just spin. I don't even care where it winds up. I'll be fine. Just spin the dial. It doesn't matter what year. Right. I'm white. Black people are like, can we go forward? Black people are like, I don't even want to go to yesterday. Yeah. Honestly. All right, let's do some international news, Mike.

Oh, yeah. Fish heads, fish heads in your soup. Remember that song? What was that, Mighty Python? Yeah. New Zealand is distributing two tons of fish a week, but they're the parts often discarded in commercial and recreational fishing to families affected by New Zealand's sputtering economy.

These are mostly Maori people, which are the traditionally. Indigenous. Fuck this up. No, they're not indigenous unless you go. Well, indigenous going back to, I think, the 13th century. They came from. They came from. Oh, boy, This got derailed.

Peloponnesia. OK. They came from somewhere else in the 13th century. Anyway. Polynesia. Maybe it's Polynesia, but they're broke. They have no money. And the government has nicely agreed to give them fish eyeballs and the fat you can suck from the cheeks of the fish.

Now, the fillets are gone. Those are gone. The white people got those. Yes. This is like that Brian Regan routine of you're way in the back of the plane and you see we have chicken, we have steak, and we have rotten fish heads or whatever it is. And he's like, I wonder what I'll get by the time it gets back to me.

Yeah. This is hopefully one of those, you know, they're talking about how much we'll go back to, you know, the old normal. And this should be, of course, I'm not talking about giving

poor people fish eyes, but the oceans are completely threatened. And it's like we should have this. And we looked it up before the podcast. You're like, it's toe to tail or tail to toe, whatever it knows, nose to tail, nose to toe. I don't even know. But hunters know. It's like when you utilize, and the Native Americans famously utilized, every part of the buffalo. Nothing was wasted.

Yeah. And including like eating in the brains. Oh, remember watching the show Alone, which we were both obsessed with? A couple of those real survivalists knew the fat deposits like in the in the bones like behind the nose and that's what you need the most because if you just eat lean meat you will actually starve to death you you won't have enough fat on your body and you need that you need the fattiest part of the animal so just as environmental sort of companies environmentally friendly companies and eco friendly companies have said, hey,

we can make sweaters and tons of North Face and Patagonia out of these recyclable plastic bottles, which is a great thing that idiots like me will pay $80 for. There should be a way to take all these undesirable parts and make something delicious. That's just a fact. Yeah, right. The hot dogs of fish, whatever it is. Right. But where people will trust, like, no, it's actually amazing and tons of protein and all that.

But anything to pull less fish out of the water. My kids, we were down in Florida. We go down to Florida and visit my mom. And there's this great seafood restaurant that's right on the water. You go out on a wharf and the restaurant's at the end of it. I think it's called Jetty's.

And so we go out there and the kids are about maybe eight and ten. And the waiter comes over and it's pretty expensive. And my mom is a little can be a little tight. She can be she can be very generous in some ways, but she also can be very tight. And so we're sitting there and the waiter comes over and he goes, well, our specials are blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, of course, the lobster today, the one-pound lobster is $35.

The filet is $38. And then the surf and turf is $55. And so my son goes, I'll have the lobster. And you see my mother just shrink. She just, the fist clenched. And then my daughter goes, I'll have that too. But can I have the one that comes with the steak too? She got the surf and turf. So it comes and my fucking daughter

eats the tail of the lobster. And then my mother's like, no, the claws, JJ. You got to open up the claws. She goes, no, I don't want to eat those. Those are gross. That's perfect. Two bikes out of the steak. Meanwhile, your mom's doing the math on the first time she ever had lobster and it's

like 28 years old. Yeah. Right. Right. That's really funny. And I And by the way, I know the easy joke is the hot dogs of fish it's already made. It's called the Filet-O-Fish. And fish sticks. I'm sure fish sticks are

almost literally the hot dogs of fish. But when I was little, we would go to McDonald's and my favorite sandwich for a few, like a year or two was just getting the filet of fish. And I can kind of put it together now. You know, my mom didn't really want to judge me, but I think she'd look at me like, what are you doing? And it turned out it wasn't even about the fish. I loved fried food and it turned, and I love tartar sauce. And that was just a delivery system of

deep fried food with tartar sauce on it. Absolutely. Dude, I was all over the filet of fish when I was a kid. That's what I got every fucking time. Salty, salty with tartar sauce and that light, sweet bun. Do you know that they put so much sugar in those buns? Subway

no longer can describe their bread as bread because it has so much sugar in those buns subway no longer can describe their bread as bread because it has so much sugar in it oh this just in from chris denman our producer yeah uh origins of the maori are from polynesia who arrived in new zealand in uh yeah the 14th century look at that that that. That's so cool of Chris to be texting and following up from the MAGA parade in Washington. Now, I know that is so great. And I know it's hard for him because he's got so many screens open from Breitbart and Trump's Twitter feed that it's great that he found space on his device. Yeah, I can't imagine how he found this poor tribe from New Zealand, these poor people in New Zealand.

He's probably going to get all this unwanted mail trying to help them and all that stuff. I think it's, is it tweet Chris Denman? I think it's tweet. I'll find out if you want to reach out to him. If you want to reach out to him. If you want to tweet, Chris. Oh, it's at tweet Denman, D-E-N-M-A-N.

All right. And his phone number is 314. Also, international, there's a scuba story. An Egyptian scuba diver is believed to have set a new world record by remaining underwater for nearly, ready? Go for it. Six entire days. What? Went into the Red Sea for 145 hours. Which is, whenever I hear about people that do this kind of crap, I'm like, you can always gauge the quality of somebody's marriage by what activities they do.

Yeah. You know, like I play golf. That's four hours. Not six days? It's not six days and 30 minutes. Honey, good luck with the kids. I'm going to submerge my... First of all, what the fuck do you do underwater?

It's not like you can look at your phone. You can't read a book. What do you do for six days? You can fall in love with an octopus. We learned that. Oh, that's right And you pee in your suit, right? Don't you pee in your suit the whole time? Yes

Yeah, no, intentionally But obviously you had to do more than that That's right But you can get dressed and undressed and all that While having air I guess so. Yeah. In fact, I'm sure some of the tests for the more advanced rescue and stuff,

you have to get in and out of things while your tank is there. You put your tank on the ground even. How do you think he ate? That's interesting. He probably had one of those full helmets rather than, he probably didn't have like goggles and a thing in his mouth, a tube in his mouth. He probably had like some kind of helmet. Right. Yeah, because you. I'm trying to remember you would do all this stuff when you were a kid, you would experiment.

Can you drink while you squeeze your nose? I don't know if you can. Try it right now. Try it now. Try to swallow. For the folks listening, he's drinking water. You can. You can? Yeah, because you've never gotten a blowjob from a girl. I'm not going to say it.

Wait, what just happened? While you're holding your nose? While you're holding your nose. Because you're disgusted by women? Why would you go there? Let's avoid this entirely. I have so many jokes I'm sitting on right now. Oh, no.

I was thinking about this. The longest I ever stayed underwater, eighth grade at the Crest Pool in Tarrytown, there was a girl, Charlotte Burns, and her titty had popped out of the underside of her bikini, and she was in the water, and I could see it, and I stayed underwater for four and a half minutes. I know you've done that in your 30s and 40s. You also did that when you're, you know, in your 30s and 40s. You also did that when you were little. Go to a kid's pool and go underwater looking for kids' titties who have popped out from a bikini.

It's tough in eighth grade to pop out. There's not a lot to pop. Yeah. I used to be great at staying underwater. And I would, like, challenge and I beat all my friends and all that. And then the rugby team from Boston university, we went to Jamaica to play their national team. And we were staying at this place that had a pool and, um, a crappy, crappy rundown place. But anyway, we were all

high as hell because we were in Jamaica. And then someone said, uh, Oh no, Gibbons is great at staying late. And then another guy said he was great. So it's like, all right. And the whole team got around. So we both just went under the water, holding the ladder, and just looked at each other. And he clobbered me. I maybe made it close to two minutes or something. And I know people can stay under six minutes and stuff. But we never did this.

And anyway, he stayed a long time. This is not an urban legend. He was also amazing, a rugby player. And he then was working construction after college. And people like, did you hear about him? I go, no. What happened? He somehow this construction crew heard he could like stay underwater.

Like you want to bet that he can stay under over two minutes or all this. He did it in the house they were working on, had a pool. He went under the guys. It was after the shift, like went in to get the beers of the house they were building. And they came out and he was floating dead.

He had an aneurysm, I guess. And the being underwater forced the aneurysm or embolism. I don't know what I'm talking about medically, but I do know he died. No shit. Yeah. And then that was the last time

I ever bragged or tried to stay underwater a long time. Yeah, right, right. Like that is gone. Oh, God, that's terrible. Yeah. Jesus. I wonder how long it was

and so they realized that he had died versus he was just staying underwater or holding his breath. Right, because you could float there relaxing, you know what I mean, face down. Who knows? That's probably why because I think you can save someone even after they're unconscious for a little bit in water. Yeah. Huh. Or maybe they killed him. This is like a Rolling Stones story. You know one of the famous Rolling Stones? Drowned in the pool?

Oh, Keith Moon, yeah. No, no, no. Mick, what's his name? Oh, God. My brain just completely... Oh, Keith Moon was the who. But... Mick Taylor?

No. I don't think... Yeah, I should be remembering this. Anyway, he... Wait, the guitarne was the who. Mick Taylor? No. Yeah, I should be remembering this anyway. Wait, the guitarist for the Stones? Huh? The guitarist for the Stones? Yes, and there's a lot of conspiracy theories that the guys he was with drowned him. Not that it was just on too much drugs. Anyway.

All right. Well, that'll be a correction for next week if somebody wants to write that in. Maybe if Chris can put down his... Oh, Brian Jones. Brian Jones. Brian Jones. Put down his Trump flag.

Yeah, there it is. Brian Jones. Another international story. In Turkmenistan, there's so many stands. i have no idea how many stands are but they all seem to be corrupt and broke like you know like there's a royal family that has like a fleet of rolls royces and then people eating fucking out of the out of the dump in town so this guy uh the president the president honored his favorite dog uh, when he died, he erected a golden canine, gold, made it of gold, statue on a pedestal in the capital.

So I looked it up, and Transparency International named Turkmenistan the third most corrupt country in the world. I mean, that's got to be tough. the third most corrupt country in the world. Hmm. I mean, that's got to be tough. This guy's making his dog out of gold, and you're eating yours. And how do you lead up to that? Can you imagine, like, all right, kids, where's, you know, where's the Uckman? I don't know what your dog's name is

in Turkmenistan but like it's not brulee I can guarantee that although brulee is named after a food

so it only makes sense that we're going to eat him at some point he would taste like shit

he is he is gross at this point he's just covered in welts it fucking stinks

I would never eat brulee oh no do you have do you have He's just covered in welts. It fucking stinks. I would never eat brulee. Oh, no. Do you have a lot of love? Well, I know you do for one of them. But like brulee, like how sad are you going to be? I'm going to be very sad. I love brulee.

He bites people. He's always bit people. He bit one girl in the face. And we got sued for twenty thousand dollars i didn't know that yeah wow and uh so there's a lot of reasons to hate brulee but he's also very elegant and there's something there's something about him that he's like he's got attitude like he's the other dog will do anything for attention, and she's a whore. Brulee is kind of like, you got to earn it.

He's almost more like a cat. That sounds like another reason to hate him. It sure does. Yeah. It sure does. I think you just talked yourself into not being sad when Brulee kicks it. How did you not end up with the dog with the divorce?

Was that a negotiation or were you like, just take that thing? No, it was, it came down to how unfair it would be because I was the one working and the dog would be all alone, all alone for half the week. Right. You miss the dog? I do. But, you know, it's, as you, it's a commitment like, hey, let's go. Let's go away. It's like you got to find someone to sit the dog. It's even like a weekend. Hey, let's go to the desert. Hey, let's go here or whatever.

Like, let's we'll go to the beach and then we'll grab dinner down there. It's like, no, that'll be over six hours, whatever it is like. Yeah, it's it's a real, real commitment. Do you ever dog sit when they go away? I have, but not much, to be honest. It's pretty much ensconced. Well, they also got another dog. So there's two dogs over at my ex's.

So those two dogs are together. Yeah. And I don't know anything about the new dog, except it's, you know, adorable and all the usual things. together. Yeah. And I don't know anything about the new dog except it's, you know, adorable and all the usual things. Okay. Yeah. Florida man. Yeah. Go for it. You go for it. You want me to read this, Florida? A Florida man was rushed to the hospital in late August after he got mauled by a black leopard. The man is said to have paid to have a, quote, full contact experience with the big cat at the owner's private sanctuary.

After the attack, 50-year-old Dwight Turner had to undergo several surgeries after paying $150 to, quote, play with a black leopard. As soon as Turner entered the enclosure, the leopard attacked him, tore out one of his eyes, ripped apart his scalp. The injuries were apparently so severe that his skin was hanging from his head and his right ear was torn in half. I don't know if this is your joke that you wrote. Following the surgeries, Turner had to get his face wrapped in several bandages around his head to try and salvage what he could from the attack. No, that's not a joke. That's part of it. Huh?

That's not a joke. No, I know. You pasted this story in here, so I didn't know. But meanwhile, it's like the owner's probably like, get back in there. You paid for full contact, not just contact with your skull. Come on. Yeah. Get your money's worth.

This guy's working it from both angles. He's getting people to pay to be the food for his cat. He's getting people to pay to be the food for his cat. Even the leopard probably was like disgusting. Like a Florida man? Yeah, right. Anybody here from out of town? Yeah.

Terrible. That's perfect Florida, though. Yeah, that's good florida man you know what's amazing is how much in tiger king was basically for a florida story you know like everything was even though it was where was it oklahoma it's still the obsession was florida all the big cat places seem to be down there obviously the cat lady um was down there right Obviously, the cat lady was down there. Right. I mean, I didn't even know before that documentary came out. I had no idea.

It was so easy to get a big cat. I mean, I remember hearing about Tyson having a tiger. And that's the only time I'd heard about, you know, people outside of zoos having fucking tigers and lions no that's why there's all these sanctuaries that are packed with them also it's the same thing with the giant snakes that are now absolutely taking over the everglades yeah people get them as a pet and they're like oh it's gonna be 18 feet long right i didn't read that okay let me let it go in the middle of the night in the Everglades. Right. Maybe that's where I can bring Brulee.

There's a documentary I zoomed past and it's about that. It's about the snakes in the Everglades. Well, that segues nicely into the entertainment section of the paper. There we go. nicely into the entertainment section of the paper.

There we go. Now, what's this documentary? I didn't watch it, but I wanted to, but it seemed very disturbing. It's about the huge environmental problem the Everglades in Florida are having because these pythons are dominating and changing the ecosystem. Like the five minutes I watched of it began with how you used to see raccoons everywhere around the Indian, around the Everglades, and they're gone now, basically. Yeah.

Have you seen the fights between the gators and the anacondas? The gators don't do so well. No. I mean, they show an anaconda and you can see the silhouette of an alligator body inside of him. I mean, think about what what fucking acids have to be present inside an anaconda to break down reptilian flesh. It's amazing. Yeah. I did see a video like a year ago. It was a park ranger riding to work on his bike.

And then he heard commotion over on the right. And he stopped and he took out his phone and he filmed it. And it was an anaconda. And this gator tail was a kind of above the surface. But you could see the anaconda had wrapped the alligator crocodile and was drowning it, had it underwater. And then you look, you go along a little and you see the anaconda's face just peacefully above the water as mid body. He's drowning this alligator. Yeah.

Just holding it under. Jesus. Yeah. I mean, I think they have contests where they send people out to hunt for the anacondas, but they say they're so widespread. They can't even get them all.

No, they do. And it's hard to find them and stuff, but no, no, the effort is on because otherwise it's completely going to throw off the ecosystem. Yeah. Jesus. In an unnatural way. What was the other documentary you just tell me about? Oh, well, last night we were looking for a documentary to watch. Right.

So we started I guess the number one documentary on Apple right now is it's about UFOs. I forget the name of it. It begins with a P parent. It's not paranormal. I forget what it is. Anyway, it was OK. It was me and the girls were trying to find something to watch. We quit on it. And then I saw that in my library I had Amy, the documentary about Amy Winehouse. I saw that in my library I had Amy, the documentary about Amy Winehouse. So we watched that. The girls were riveted. And then they were, when it ended, they were angry with me that I had them watch something so heavy.

Yeah. And so sad. Right. And they were pissed. Our kids have no capacity for anything that's not parks and rec or fucking tiktok videos i find it so hard to get my daughter to watch anything that's heavy your kids at least listen to and enjoy music that's not from their time and not ariana grande like my kids if they see it's a black and white movie out yeah it's not they not. They won't start. They won't even discuss it. Yeah. Although actually Jojo went on an Alfred Hitchcock kick.

She watched a bunch of his movies and really liked them. I should force it. That's the thing. That's my job. It's kind of like, you know, how many piano players are be in the world? If kids weren't forced to take piano lessons. I know. It'd be like 50. Right. And it's like, you know, so you have to expose them to that. And that's my job. So I'll report back next week.

By next week, I'm going to try to force my kids. It'll be ugly. Maybe to watch a Hitchcock. Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Which one should I do? What's it called?

Rear view window? Oh, boy. Rear window? Rear window. North by northwest. Rear window. Oh, no. North by northwest.

Yeah, do that one first. Maybe I'll do that one. Yeah. Not the birds. I like rear window also, but north by northwest is pretty cool. All right. We'll do that. You know what I watch with JoJo is the Eric Andre show. It's pretty crazy, right? How many have you seen? None. It's the end of late night talk shows.

It deconstructs them. It annihilates them they literally every single uh uh type of segment that they do in light night tv they do in a way that you go like oh yeah i guess it kind of was ridiculous that middle-aged white men were making jokes about lindsey lohan's spiral into drug addiction nightly. And that that's in the Amy Winehouse documentary, coincidentally, you showed Jay Leno and I, and I remember seeing the documentary in the theater and thinking, feeling I had a little bit of blood on my hands. Cause I've written a ton of Amy Winehouse jokes, but just the, the whole idea of the hug and plug,

the guests coming on for the hug and plug and the remote segments that are really like so fucking controlled and contained. It's just it is brilliant. I don't throw brilliant around a lot. It's it is Sacha Baron Cohen brilliant. And it's like he just commits and he's just so creative and ballsy and brave. Oh, my God. I fucking laugh. I don't laugh out loud very much watching TV. I laugh out loud during every single episode.

Go to Hulu, and you can watch, I think there's like six seasons, and you can watch all of them. And was it good season one, or should I start in season three or something? No, no, no. Right out of the gate. Right out of the gate is good. And then he brings on celebrity guests and he heats the studio up to like 105 degrees. And I think there's a heating duct that comes right down onto the guests.

So they're all sweating and they're all uncomfortable. And they'll come out and like T.I. is out there. They're all uncomfortable. And they'll come out and like T.I. is out there. And then he'll like send out an intern. He'll stand next to T.I. stark naked with his dick right next to his head. And just interview him like the guy's not standing there. And then like just I can't describe it.

There's so many fucking funny. Like on one of them he goes, okay, let's play a second. They had this girl on. She was like a child actress who is now like in her early 20s, so she's a little bit, you know, a little pure. And they go, all right, let's play model suitcase segment. Here we go. And they bring out, and it's like deal or no deal. There's three models, and they're each carrying a suitcase,

and they each have a number one one two or three on them yeah and he goes oh my god he goes he goes pick one of them pick one and she goes number two and then a guy pops out with a machine gun and fucking shoots her with bullet pellets, blood running down her shirt. And she collapses onto the ground. And it looks so fucking real. And the guest is like horrified. That's great. That's great.

Oh, oh, my God. But that's me and Joe sent me and Joe just sense of humor to a T. Oh, my God. But that's me and Jojo's sense of humor to a T. Oh, my God. All right, I'm going to watch it. Isn't, like, Lorenzo Lamas or one of those type of guys, wasn't he always around? I'm not sure, but they have a good writing staff, and they just come up with segments that are crazy,

but they get a lot of... The guy from Pauly D from the Jersey Shore, they fucking torture him. It's great. Anyway. All right. The other thing I'm watching is The Patriot, or just Patriot, it's called.

It's a one-hour show on Amazon Prime, and it feels like a Wes Anderson film. It's a one-hour show on Amazon Prime, and it feels like a Wes Anderson film. It's a little absurd, but there's a really good story, amazing quirky characters, great soundtrack, and it's like a really full-blown spy storyline, but also with comedy mixed in. I started watching the HBO series on Sunday nights, the one with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Grant.

Oh, yeah. How is that? Untangled? What's it fucking called? I'm the worst with names. Well, right up front, you see this pair of boobs, of course, because it's HBO. Let me get the title now. And they are they're so stellar. The Undoing, it's called. They're so stellar, I have to say, that even all the characters talk about them like this woman pulls them out to breastfeed. And and then later in the gym, really gratuitously, but aggressively, which was

the thing that her character was doing. She's just completely naked standing in front of Nicole Kidman. And there are the boobs again. And then I'm like, Oh, this is it. Let me mark this on my DVR. And then, um, I guess I'm spoiling the first episode. Then the boobs are killed and I stopped recording it. I'm out. I'm done. You blew it. You couldn't have delayed that till the end of the season. I wonder,

you know how there's a digital profile of all of us and it's coming from your Tik TOK feed and your Facebook feed and probably your HBO feed. They can tell when you stop watching. Yeah. I'm sure the chart was like girl with the boobs is a corpse like. Yeah. Right. Barely finished the episode. Oh, my God. So it's not worth watching otherwise. Well, the only the only hope I have and maybe they did this intentionally knowing we'd have a conversation like this is her face was bashed in. So I'm like, maybe it's not her. Maybe those boobs are still out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you IMDB who the actress was? I didn't I didn't get that creepy yet. But they're pretty. I mean, she was cast for this because there was like two conversations about them. Yeah. In the show. Have you ever IMDB'd an actress and the word nude in a Google search? In a Google search?

In a goop, goop, goop search? No. But I bet actresses' names and feet are pretty high up on your search history. All right, let's go to sports. Mike Gibbons, congratulations. We are dead even in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' standing bet. You got it. As people who are just joining us may not know,

Mike and I decided because of Tom Brady coming on and Gronkowski, I said that they are going to be a great team this year, and you said they wouldn't. Now, we did it with points, which was a mistake on my end. I forgot we were doing points. I would be ahead. I think they're six and two right now or something. Well, I didn't say they wouldn't be a great team. What I said was everybody's afraid to bet against Brady. Right. So what happens is I think that affects the betting line. I think they have to move the number. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we talked about this.

So they give away too many points. Well, last year they got fucking annihilated. The Saints beat them 38-3. So what happened in that game? Drew Brees was on fire. And, you know, it was a showdown of two of maybe the greatest quarterbacks of all time. I mean, I put Drew Brees in top five, right? Top three.

I mean, in terms of records, Drew Brees has some of the biggest records out there. No, no, he's big. He's big for sure. But, yeah, I can't believe that. Yeah. I mean, I don't know about injuries and all that stuff. I didn't watch the game. This week, they're playing the Carolina Panthers.

Tampa Bay is favored by six. Nice. Yeah, when I looked it up last week before I looked up the score, I was like, I wonder if the line moved. And I think it had moved. I forget what the point spread was last week. Was it like 6.5? I think it was 8.5.

Whatever it was, I think it had moved a half a point in my favor. And I'm like, I better screen grab this because he's not going to believe me that at game time, which is our agreement, and I was like trying to find, because the game had already started, I was trying to find where the last point spread was because they get updated for like live betting and stuff. And, and then I saw the score. I'm like, oh, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Right. Miami Marlins. sure did they hired Kim I'm going to say his name is Ning

NG is the name N as in Nancy G as in Gregory as the MLB's first female East Asian American general manager by the way I think she's the first of either of those categories her recent appointment

comes after serving the last nine years as senior vice president of baseball operations with the league, which made her the highest ranking Asian-American female baseball executive. We look forward to Kim bringing a wealth of knowledge and championship level experience to the Miami Marlins, said Derek Jeter, the CEO of the Marlins. No, I didn't know that. As if Derek Jeter needs more reasons for women to love him, right? It's like, hey, aren't you Derek Jeter? Oh, my God, you hired the first female East Asian general manager.

I want to sleep with you. Yeah, and being in Florida, a baseball player in Florida. Yeah. That's yeah. Wow. That's pretty amazing. I think she might have worked with the Dodgers as well. I think she had some success with the Dodgers. She worked with the Yankees. I think that's probably where she met Cheater, but she was there like they they put her in a pretty high position, the Yankees, in pretty early on, too, like 2008 or something like that. So, no, she has a lot of experience for sure. Wow.

That's a pretty big deal. I mean, you'll see if there's more of that. I guess it depends on the job that she does. But the Marlins are the Miami. I thought it was the Florida Marlins. When did they become the Miami Marlins? You're right. It does say Miami there.

Yeah, I wonder. I don't know. But I think I don't want to poke holes in it and take anything away from it, but they're going to save a lot of money printing up her shirt that just has NG written on the back with her last name. A lot less stitching, a lot less material. There's two Asian players in the Masters right now, and one of them is like MG, and the other one is like NI. They both have two letters in their names. It's fucking weird.

It's fucking weird. I don't like it kid. When we, when I was doing sports show with Norm MacDonald, we looked up the, the top 10 women golfers. I'm going to say nine of them are Korean. Oh yeah.

Including Korean women. No, it's crazy. And, um, and so just Norm pronouncing their names we did a segment on women's golf update and the names were not easy to pronounce

but we also did a bit and Norm didn't want to do it so we actually sent out Ben Hoffman who's also Wheeler Walker Jr but I hired him on that that was his first like major job. So Ben and I went out into Koreatown because we wanted to see if golf was just natural for Koreans like that. They did Korean women somehow have just a natural swing.

So we went out with a golf club and a ball into Koreatown and asked all these old Korean women to swing it. And the definitive answer is it is not natural at all. That's hilarious. Yeah. You had them hit a ball in Koreatown? We had them swing and then anyone who had, who could like kind of swing it, we then brought them to, you know, that there's a driving range in Koreatown. It's like three stories, right? Yeah, exactly. Three stories. We then brought them to, you know, that there's a driving range in Korea. It's like three stories, right? Yeah, exactly.

Three stories. And then we had them drive. Yeah. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. Uh, all right,

we got to move it along here. We got to get to science. Okay. BMW made the world's first electrified wingsuit. I know we've all been waiting. Life just moved one giant step forward. We've been waiting for it. It reached 186 miles per hour on its first flight.

BMW just successfully sent an air sports pioneer, this guy Peter Salzman, soaring through the sky in his newly developed electric wingsuit. So there's a video of it, a short video. I watched it. Three guys, including Salzman, jump out with their wingsuits. One of them has this motor, this electric motor that's basically across his chest. But the three of them fall out of the plane and are doing the typical wingsuit thing way above these unbelievable mountains. And they're soaring, soaring, soaring. And then at some point he throws the switch and then you see the two wingsuits continue their descent. And he then just takes off. And it's pretty cool video, but I don't know, 186 miles an hour sounds really

impressive. So you then decide to Google how much, if I fell out of an airplane, how fast would I go? And the answer is 120 miles an hour. Oh, no shit. Yeah. If you just fall out, a wingsuit actually is much slower. You can slow down to, I think, 40 miles an hour with a wingsuit, which obviously increases your time to play in the air three times. But yeah. So I can do one thing for the rest of my life. It would be riding an electric wingsuit. That sounds like just every guy's dream since he was a little boy. I guess. I mean, you're pretty vulnerable, man. Yeah, but if you die that way, that's how you died.

Okay. Sure. So win-win. I think the next science story is how I'd want to die. It's an update on the sex robots. Oh, we need that. A reboot. So most sex robots now are a little more than slightly animated sex dolls, says this article. Perhaps the most advanced sex robot that we know of is Samantha, a creation of Synthia amatis, Samantha is designed to be capable of enjoying sex. That's interesting. But Samantha is

not all about sex. She can also talk about science and philosophy, boner killer. She can even tell jokes, even more of a boner killer. And consent is even an issue with Samantha. Now, I don't know if they mean consent is an issue like it's always an issue with her or that it's a new development. I think issue, hopefully, is the wrong word. But if you are too rough with her or she doesn't like your behaviors, she is programmed to go into, quote, dummy mode

and completely shut down. My wife does that too. So she really is lifelike. Although dummy mode, you'd think they'd be like, all right, you're roughing me, I don't give a shit. Dummy mode is, I like this. Currently, robotic partners can go for prices in excess of $10,000. But I think we're already seeing where this is going.

I'll give you $11,000 if you don't have her fucking say no, ever. Like consent, this is already going down the wrong way. Like consent, we don't want them to have consent. The reason we're using a robotic dummy is because consent's happening with the human counterparts. And no means no, obviously. So it's like, don't make them too lifelike where they have to be in the mood. That's what I'm thinking. Right. It says that they're capable of enjoying sex. Conversely, that means they're capable of not enjoying sex, which means now you've got pressure on you to make her climax every time.

Right. And I think a robot's going to figure that out. And the reason you're getting a sex robot is because you want to have sex when you are in the mood. It doesn't matter what mood the robot's in. The last thing I need is a robot who resents me for trying to have sex after watching This Is Us. All of a sudden they're furious. How could you? You're disgusting.

Did you see what we just watched? Yeah. Ex Machina. Is that that other one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess if... I don't mind the talking philosophy thing because then you can do like a freshman in college fantasy, which would be kind of cool. You know, smoke a fake joint with the robot.

Yeah. I don't know. Don't you think they talk circles around? Like so much of philosophy is based on irrational half 90% of philosophy discusses God. Yeah. The belief in God, the leap of faith, as Kierkegaard would say, or, or, or good. Like I think a robot would just be, she'd be sitting there after sex, smoking her robotic cigarette and just looking at you like, all of this is irrational. There is no good or evil. There is no God.

Everything you're saying, you've made up in your tiny, tiny brains. Yeah. And then she puts a razor blade right through your neck. All for $10,000? That's her post-coital. That's her spooning. She just tears out your jugular. These things are going to fly off the shelf because that's a good way to go.

If you have to die being lacerated by a fucking machine that you just had sex with, work backwards from that wake and your parents being consoled by people. No, they're going to learn. They go, you're getting turned on by my boobs. She just rips it off. This is nothing. This isn't real. Nothing's real.

Your enjoyment is based on unreal things. All right, business. That was business. Go for it. This is a long one. I should trim this story down a little bit. You think so? McDonald's wants to improve its drive-through speeds to help customers, of course,

but also in hopes of getting them to show up more often and spend more when they visit. So they've got this express lane. People place digital orders ahead of time. Ahead of time? There's no ahead of time with McDonald's. McDonald's is you're at a red light, you're fucking starving, you've got a meeting in 30 minutes,

and you rush in because it's the only nourishment you're going to get. There's no possible human being that plans in advance of eating a fucking Whopper. I like it. No, I think you're right. So they're saying a lot of fast food restaurants

are trying to jump on this now. And, you know, they're saying that the average time it takes. Over the past few years, it's sped up the drive through line process by 30 seconds. So right now it takes about 350 seconds, which is what, five minutes? No. Yeah, five minutes. Yeah, that's almost six minutes to get through a McDonald's drive through on average. almost six minutes to get through a McDonald's drive-thru on average. Now think about that. The difference between you eating there or not eating there is cutting 30 seconds off of six minutes. How little do you think about your intestinal tract and your nutrition that that's

what it comes down to? Yeah. And did you see how they did it. One of the biggest factors was they simplified their menu. That that was the thing most responsible. Yeah. Which brings me to. So do you know the Starbucks here on Lincoln and Marine, you know, right above right above Rose that has a drive through. Right. Yeah. And I, you know, a few Starbucks in LA have drive-thrus. So I went to it at some point during the, during the virus, like when they were closed, I don't even think you could pick, I guess you would have to have their app and order and pick it up. You couldn't go in the store is my point. I'm on this line for a coffee, just a coffee and forever. And know why? Because everybody is making their unbelievably complicated milkshake orders. And it was one car after the next in front of me where a grotesque fat arm reaches out of the van for a tray full of milkshakes. Yeah.

With all the caramel, like crisscross hatching, and fudge, and straws, and every one of them filled with whipped cream, of course. Yeah, and then a big bag of fucking muffins. It's the new Dairy Queen. Yeah, yeah. It's pathetic. No, it's like that at the airport.

Because it's people that wouldn't normally go to a Starbucks, but they're going because they're teenagers. They're going on a trip with their family. And so they all, yeah, it becomes like a Baskin Robbins. And I really think they should have two lines, one for people. I just, you know what, at an airport, give me a drip coffee. I don't need anything fancy. I just need a cup of coffee quickly because I'm going to my gate and I don't want to have to wait for my coffee to get served like 40 minutes into the plane ride. There was some terminal in JFK, huge line in the airport, obviously in the terminal, huge line, crazy manager sees what's going on. She leaves her station or whatever and comes over

and goes, is anyone online just getting a coffee? And I immediately proposed to her. I was just like, you are the best thing ever. And, of course, it convinced some people who probably were going to go more high maintenance to get off that line. It was a win-win. It helped everybody. Yeah, yeah, that's good. All right, let's jump ahead to letters to the editor.

Let's do it. You're not doing this day in history. You want to do it? I thought it was a good one. OK, this day in history. Baby Faye, a month old infant, so cute. She had received a baboon heart transplant, and she died in Loma Linda, California. The infant, she was born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome and almost always fatal deformity found in newborns in which part of the heart is missing. A few days after birth, the surgeon convinced the mother

to allow him to try an experimental baboon heart transplant. Meanwhile, the baboon's mother was begging him not to try the transplant. Three other humans had received animal heart transplants, the last in 1977, but none survived longer than three and a half days. So they did it, and it was a little walnut-sized heart of a baby baboon, and she survived the operation, struggled for life, and then rejected the organ. 20-something days, I think she made it. 20 days. Let me see., I think she made it. 20 days.

Let me see. Was it 20? Hold on. Yeah, 20 days. I think you're shortchanging her. 32 days, I just found. No, it says at the very end, baby Faye died after holding on for 20 days.

No, no. I know what impression you're under and what you wrote. She lived 32 days. No, no. I know what impression you're under and what you wrote. She lived 32 days. You have her dying middle-aged. She, these are, oh God. But that wasn't even an intentional joke. But she lived, relatively speaking, a lot longer than you think. A lot longer, relatively speaking. Yeah. Well, you know what? She had a lot of heart.

Actually, she didn't have enough heart. That's why she needed a baboon heart. Now, we don't do a podcast on Saturdays, but I did a This Day in History yesterday, and it was about a baboon getting its heart ripped out of its chest. yesterday and it was about a baboon getting its heart ripped out of its chest. That happened yesterday in 1984, coincidentally, the same year. Yeah. Yeah.

The mother, I remember right before she died, she was holding the baby's hand and picking her up by it, swinging her around. Incredible strength. Oh, no. There is some good news to baby Faye's demise, though. She was born in Barstow, and that's a gift, to die before you're aware that you were born in Barstow. It truly is the worst town in america and the saddest thing is it's your last stop if you drive across the country to california barstow is your last like it's the last truck stop before you get to la so i remember we were like and i think it's a few hours out so like we got there and it's like we didn't want to arrive in la at like 10 o'clock at night to our new

apartment. So we said, fuck it. We'll get a motel in Barstow. And I just remember looking out the window at a gas station with like 18 wheel oil rigs pulling in and it stunk like fucking cattle. It was disgusting. Yeah.

Yup. And you get to LA and you love it that much more. So baby Faye, God bless you. All right, let's go to some letters to the editor. First one comes in from a woman named Joanne. I seem to have a crush on you two. Hey! That feels good.

We still got it, Mike. We do still got it. That feels good. All right, this one comes from a guy named Matthew. Hey, I listen to every episode of your podcast to date. Love it. Mike's take on Anthony and the chimney flu is probably the funniest thing I've heard all year. That being said, his take on people on the left shouldn't be celebrating is garbage.

Mike's perspective is of a straight, white, middle-aged man. perspective is of a straight white middle-aged man he's never discriminated against for his skin color sexual orientation immigration status gender etc but trump and his supporters are bullies who actively discriminate and threaten people who aren't like them for him to be removed from office after one term is damn well worth celebrating if you're someone who has been marginalized by Trumpism, or if, like me, you just have empathy for those people. People aren't dancing for the camera, as Mike said. They are dancing because ding-dong, the witch is dead. Take care, Matthew. Well, Matthew, I appreciate your listening and all that.

I didn't say not to celebrate. My thing was more about gloating and putting it in their face and celebrating for the camera, which that's what I was seeing. I saw a lot of people out there looking for the camera and then dancing up to it. And I just, I always have a problem with that. But more so here, it is the gloating. This isn't like we defeated Japan and Germany. And it's like, listen, we own you bitches and we're going to have a ticker tape parade. And we, we, we own you now a piece of your country forever. And we're, we have a say in it. We don't have a say. And I think gloating, trust me, I don't know, I guess Greg and I didn't make it clear enough. Like I was celebrating like

crazy. Don't get me wrong, but I just think there's such a divisive thing in this country. And even as immediately as this runoff in Georgia. For the people, if it's going to be close, we're going to need some people who aren't afraid that the left is going to go apeshit if they control the president's office and the Senate and just go full crazy liberal agenda, packing the court, doing all of that stuff. So I don't know. What do you think, Greg? I don't know. I saw, look, let's not kid ourselves. Nobody voted for Biden. People voted against Trump. And so by celebrating, you're basically, and it's something that, you know, I wrote some jokes. I was asked to write jokes for the Biden campaign this year. And so one of the dictates that they said was, we're not going to win people over by telling them they're stupid and that they're bad and that they're shitty people. And so we shouldn't be writing jokes or we made videos. We shouldn't be making videos that are disparaging to half the country. And the way I see it is we won a time to heal right now. That's what we won. What's a run up to fascism, which is every earmark of fascism was taking place under Trump. And I could not I don't know how it would have gotten through four years of it.

Nobody was happier about it. But like I said, I cried when it happened and I cried for the state of the country. And it's not I don't think it's in my character to want to have payback for what happened to me because I know how it felt. I want people to feel, and it sounds trite, but that this is a time of coming together, a time of healing. And let's not, yeah, let's not put it in people's faces. Let's, I went to a fucking small socially distance gathering that. And we did dance and we did cheer and we were very happy. And I was not and I'm not writing in bold case letters on Twitter. Go fuck yourselves, you fucking losers. That's just not furthering where our country needs to go right now. And listen, I know it's a Debbie Downer and I know it's I'm a wet blanket. So I apologize for that because that wasn't my intention.

I don't I want everyone who is happy about this to not be self-conscious about that. But I did recall in April of 1865, the day after Lee surrendered to Grant, 3000 people were celebrating and going crazy right outside the White House. 3,000 people were celebrating and going crazy right outside the White House. And they started chanting speech, speech, speech because they wanted to hear Lincoln talk. They were so thrilled that they got rid of this racist, that they defeated this racist faction. And these southern states, and there's such parallels in many ways. Don't take me too literally here, but in many ways there are. And so he came out and one thing he did was interesting.

He demanded that the Marine band, whatever the Marine Corps band or whatever, play Dixie. And one thing he said, he's glad that the South now will be free to hear that because that will continue to play. And he also said it's one of the best, one of his favorite songs. So that was on, I think that was, I looked it up. It was April 10th. And he said he wasn't ready to give a speech. And they would give a speech the next night. And so the next night he gave a speech.

And I read like a review of it, which was incredibly criticized. The reviews were highly critical. And it said, though he began on a joyful note, he proceeded directly to a reminder that the nation now faced a task fraught with great difficulty, that of re-inauguration and reconstruction. And he didn't say it that night, but one of the things Lincoln said in those days was, in order to win a man to your cause, you must first reach his heart, which is the great high road to his reason. And I just think that his speech was basically booed. He gave it from the White House, from that deck overlooking the lawn. And critics hated it because they wanted it to be more of a celebration. They wanted it to be

more joyful. And Lincoln just couldn't do it. He just thought that was a very wrong first step. And I guess that's where I was coming from. Yeah, let's move past what we've gone through for the last four years. You know, I really think we're a nation in crisis. And it wasn't just about Trump. It clearly highlighted some feelings that are happening in this country that we need to communicate about. We need to find a way to not engage right wing or hard left wing media or conspiracy theories on social media and to start to find a truth that we can both subscribe to and come together as a country, because this is fucking scary. We did not defeat that side. And that's the World War Two example. We have to keep that in mind. And if you really are ecstatic about what just happened, then you should be very

worried about the House, which lost seats. And of course, which is then the midterm elections are also, you know, going to come up and that's going to be something to be very sort of worried about. But Georgia in the immediate future, I have no idea what the odds are on Democrats winning both of those. But I do know if we if the if if any fence sitters down there are seeing this fervent sort of rabid left base, it's going to be scary for them. And this is not appeasement. I mean, I'm I'm out there marching. I marched with Black Lives Matter for fucking months. And and I think we're pretty outspoken about our ideals. And I think we criticize things that we find repugnant. And hopefully that reaches people. This is not appeasement.

This is an attitude of moving forward as a country. And don't confuse those two things. They're very different things. Boy, can we get back to dead baby jokes? Those were such lighter fare. Here's an upbeat one. Here's an upbeat one. Obituaries, Mike.

All right. And that's all, folks. It happened. We mentioned it last week, but it happened on Sunday of Sunday Papers. So we're going to revisit Alex Trebek, our favorite game show host in history, probably. Alex Trebek. I don't know. You were a host. You were a game trebek and i don't know i i uh you were a host you were a game show host that's right won a cable ace award for hosting a game show and uh alex trebek 35 years

this motherfucker hosted jeopardy and um he uh set the guinness world World Records for most episodes hosted by the same presenter. He won the Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Game Show seven times. And it was ranked number one by TV Guide of the 60 Greatest Game Shows. So anyway, he died. I wanted to play a clip, and then I found out from Chris Denman, our producer. And I wanted to play a clip, and then I found out from Chris Denman, our producer, I found out a lot of things from Chris Denman, that women don't deserve the right to vote. Right, or to be GMs in Major League Baseball.

But he also said that we can't play this clip of Alex Trebek because it'll get flagged and our episode will be pulled down. But anyway, in the clip, it's great. There's a girl that comes on and she's kind of nerdy looking and he says, well, what are your interests? And she says, well, you know, me and a bunch of people, we get together and we have a thing called nerd rap where we rap about, you know,

Dungeons and Dragons and comic books and, you know, how it and Dragons and comic books. And, you know, how it's kind of difficult when you're a little bit odd to date and all that. And he goes, and Alex Trebek goes, sounds like losers. What is losers? And then she defended herself in a way that was actually really sharp and kind of like

put him back on his heels. It was it was a great exchange. So look for that. Look for I don't know how to list it, but I put down nerd Alex Trebek and rapping nerds. You know, I was a doorman at the Bull and Finch Pub in Boston, which was, you know, that's doorman at the Bull and Finch pub in Boston which was you know that's what Cheers was based on and the other doorman there told me I wasn't working that night but like the night before Trebek was in there

and at that point in his life I guess he liked to drink anyway he had to be forcibly removed from the Bull and Finch tavern because like he was getting a little ornery in there. Yeah. No shit. Yeah. So I think he did used to drink more back in the day. Yeah. But, you know, Jeopardy is so weird. You would have think someone flagged like, hey, this gimmick of answering with a question. And by the way, you screw a lot of people who forget to form it in the word of a question,

even though they got the answer. That pretense doesn't unless I'm wrong, it doesn't buy you a lot, right? Buys you a hook. You're looking for a hook on a game show. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It's like, is this hook enough? Like, how about just the most simple trivia show? I think it's Carmack the Magnificent, you know?

Yeah. It's just a format for delivering a question in a different... No, I always love that. I love... That's like you get 50 points on the SATs for filling your name in. That's what that is. Weed out the stupid people. I don't know.

But couldn't you come up with other, I haven't thought this through, but couldn't you come up with other devices like a sarcastic game show? Like every answer has to be sarcastic. You mean like a match game? Yeah, I guess. I mean, yeah, you're right there. Match game, I guess, is similar to that in a way. Or Hollywood Squares, same type of thing. Hey, one other obituary. I wasn't prepared to give this, but I was moved by this this week. If you Google Ruby Bridges, it'll all come up. She's been talked about a lot this week. And her mother died this

week, Lucille Bridges. So exactly 60 years ago, yesterday, Saturday, was when Ruby Bridges, as a six-year-old girl, took her famous walk to school in New Orleans, which had just been desegregated. And the U.S. Marshals had a walk with her and her mother walked with her. Anyway, there's a very famous and it's now gone viral work of art that's out there of Kamala Harris walking to work. And the little shadow is of Ruby, which is was made sort of immortal by Norman Rockwell. Norman Rockwell painted this image of her walking to school with the marshals. The N-word is written on the wall behind her.

There are tomatoes which the protesters were throwing. Anyway, it's just this amazing work. Both are amazing works. Wow, that's incredible. Both are amazing works of art. Obviously, the Norman Rockwell, which was painted, I believe, in 63 or four. This took place in 1960. And then this image of putting her shadow because and by the way, the name of Norman Rockwell's painting was the problem we all live with.

Is the name of that painting and for herille, to see that painting, which became an instant sort of legendary thing, although there were a lot of protests about the painting and people didn't like that a magazine printed it. But just, I guess, do yourself a favor anyway. Hopefully, Lucille got to see this latest work of art, which came out in the last week of her life, of her daughter being used again in such a great artistic way, which raises awareness for the issue, which is sadly this dark shadow still with us of the problem we all live with. But it's really great to read. There's a lot of great articles on it. And it's on my Instagram as well. But Bria Goeller is the artist who deserves mention. And she did it in conjunction with Good Trouble, which I think

is the graphics company. And they put that out there. So kudos to them. And it's just really, really creative. Some art class is going to bring up that photo and they're going to put it up on the board and then somebody is going to be triggered that photo and they're going to put it up on the board and then somebody's going to be triggered by it and they're going to complain about it because it's got the N-word in it. And it's like, yeah, you're supposed to be triggered. That's the point. Yeah, it's just like Huck Finn. That word is in that work of art

for a reason. It's disturbing. Yeah. All right. Speaking of disturbing, let's go to the funnies. That's how we pull out of the old bits every week. This one. Somebody sent in a cool picture of Hartpool, England. It's supposedly where Andy and Flo lived in Andy Cap. And there's a very cool picture of Andy leaning against the wall drinking a beer.

And that was Terry Barron sent that in. Thank you. Apparently he's a local hero in Hartpool, England. Also, they've got a very active domestic abuse home there. Okay. Here's today's Andy Cap comic for you. Andy is laying on the couch because he's worked hard all week. And he's got his socks on, his head's on the pillow.

Thought bubble. I suppose I do. Otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed with her all these years. Flory, I want your a minute. And she calls in from the next room. Hang on, I've got me hands in water. And he yells out, If you don't get yourself in here too sweet, I'll clobber you.

So she walks in, drying her hands. She's got fucking dirt on her face from cleaning the house. She says, well, what is it? He doesn't turn around. He just goes, I love you. And she walks away with a question mark over her head, looking smitten, looking confused. And how would you describe that look on her face, Mike? She looks baffled. I think she looked I mean, there's a giant question mark above her head.

Yeah, I think she's very confused and baffled. And she's feeling loved because he threatened her with physical violence. And so she came because he doesn't. That's not an idle threat. When Andy Capp says I'll clobber you, that means literally I will stand up and punch you in the face. Yeah. And so she comes in and then he says, I love you. So she's she doesn't know which way to go on this one.

The scary part is she's far less confused when she's bashed in the face. She's never, she never, this is the first question mark I've ever seen on this comics. She's never baffled when she just gets blindsided by a fist. She knows exactly where she stands or lays at that point. And it makes sense. That's par for the course the world all makes sense uh hagger we got some news from deadline hollywood good news for people who like to read bad comic strips that have been running for decades but wish those bad comic strips

would move around king features and the jim henson company are developing an animated Hager the Horrible TV series. How about that? Whoa. How long until that series gets Me Too'd? No doubt. They can't be true to the comic book, I don't think. Well, they got to come up with a way that he met his wife, besides he abducted her against her will in front of her father 20 years before. Yeah.

All right. Well. Beetle Bailey. Must rape TV. Good luck with that. Beetle Bailey. There's a woman named Miss Buxley who is a playoff of Buxom, if you didn't get it. She's a sexy little thing with yellow hair,

big mouth, big eyelashes. Big mouth. And she is objectified all the time in Beetle Bailey. So there's a young private. He's sitting at a laptop, and he says, the chaplain said I was going to get a promotion. And Miss Buxley says, for what? And then he says, for showing the staff

how to get on Facebook and see your vacation photos on the beach. And there's the general, the sergeant, and another private staring with big fucking filthy smiles on their face looking at the computer screen. And keep in mind, Beetle Bailey, this isn't from the 50s. There's a laptop in the first frame.

This is a modern tank on the military. Yes. Totally. Miss Buxley, you little whore. That is crazy. And look at them all sitting there. With their back to her. And two of them, they just show one hand.

You don't know where the other hand is. That's right. The other guy's working himself. I think he also has one up his butt, the guy in gray. Because we see no hands with him. And they're bald, which just creeps out Miss Buxley even more. They're not even possibilities. That's what happens when you get that old and bald,

is you don't even care that the woman sees you as a creep. And the chaplain is going to give them a promotion. Oh, right. Wow. Wow. I didn't think the chaplain would be into women, especially if they're over 18. Yeah, he'd be more apt to give a promotion if he hacked into a Boy Scout account. Family circus, Mike.

Yeah, I mean, there it is. So it's a stupid circle. And it's a boy on one of those red flyer, whatever they're called, those red wagons, you know, with the handle. And I've never seen a kid ride one like that. Have you ever seen? I've never seen this. No, I haven't seen a kid ride a red wagon. First of all, can you say his name? What's the kid's name?

I don't give a shit. I honestly don't care. It's one of the idiots in the family he has like one leg and knee in it and his other his other leg looks like it's like pushing it along right and he's grabbing the handle which normally pulls these anyway it's already too much to think about. So there's a homemade bumper sticker on the back that said, I heart mommy. And then I guess the heart is crossed out. Is that what you're getting? No, it's filled in. It's what?

It's filled in. No. No, they would never cross it out. On Family Circus? No, the heart is crossed out. No. I don't think so. This is perfect.

We don't even know what this fucking thing's trying to say. Right. Wait, if it's just I love mommy, then there's absolutely nothing going on in this comic strip. No, they didn't even misspell mommy. Usually he'll throw you a bone and make it M-O-M-Y so you can get at least the dumbest people in America will smirk at that. But it doesn't even give you that. Or E-Y-E, like an eyeball.

I love mommy because, as is the usual for Family Circus, mommy because as as is the usual for family circus the stupid fucking kid actually does something more advanced than you know which is breaking all comedy rules it doesn't even make sense right why he would over complicate it instead of dumbing it down but no i think that's a crossed out heart that seems dark for family circus the only thing wrong with this frame is that it's a perfectly flat sidewalk and i want him at the very top of a very steep hill with traffic at the bottom maybe you're right maybe it is such a piece of shit that it just says i heart mommy because the other thing is instead of crossing out the heart, you dumb kid, you could just remove the bumper sticker if you no longer love mommy. It's taped on.

There's two pieces of flimsy tape holding it on. Which leads me to believe he did not cross it out. But how do you? So that goes. That gets shipped to be syndicated. It's probably available in other goddamn countries. I don't even want to get, we're already going long. I don't want to get worked.

I could get very angry about it. I'm just going to try to let it go. There's only one way to end the Sunday papers, Mike, and that's with our girl, my girl. I don't know if she's your girl. She's my girl. I never asked you about your feelings about Blondie. You've kind of, I get turned on when you talk about her. Is that right?

Is that, is that okay? Blondie's in the kitchen. As always, as always, Dagwood with his fucked up something about Mary hairstyle and his bow tie in whatever year this is, sits. He sits on his skinny bony ass while she serves him, serves him in a white blouse with black cuffs and a black collar. The bosom is it's it's it's like she's always inhaling. And but then it cuts straight into the belly. You know, the classic 36, 24, 36. She's got it. And then let's and then so she's standing there with a with a pot of coffee.

And she says, dear, do you realize that you leave your wet towel on the bathroom doorknob after every shower? And he says, I'm sorry, honey, I guess guess it's just a bad habit. And she says, you need a new habit, dear. And then he's in the car with his friends driving to work. And he says, say, do you ever leave your wet towel in the doorknob after you shower? And then Herb says, are you kidding? That's my favorite habit. Huh.

So I guess we're celebrating the fact that your wife gets up, serves you breakfast, makes a simple request, and then you shit on her with your friend Herb in the car when she's a fucking 10 and you're a three. Do the math on that. If my wife said to me, sweetie, you know, you realize you're leaving the wet towel in the bathroom doorknob after everyone. You know what I say? I don't say, I guess it's just a bad habit. Like, that's the way things are going to stay. I go, hey, baby, you know what? You give a fucking thousand percent raising these kids.

You're good to me. You take care of your body. You give me sex on demand. I'm going to make sure that fucking towel gets hung on the rack next time. And I'm sorry. Maybe bring you some flowers off. Not, sorry, I guess it's just a bad habit that I have and I'll still have. It's kind of like he's like, oh, I'm the idiot?

You're the one who married an asshole. Yeah. So take that. That's what she did. This is so clearly written at a time when divorce was not acceptable. Yeah, that option was not on the table. No, no. I'll tell you what is on the table, Mike.

Us doing a two-hour podcast. What happens? We shoot for an hour and 20. Jesus. And we skipped a bunch of shit. Jesus. I know. All right, well, listen, people.

If you want to support the podcast, please do. And here's how you do it. Go to bluechew.com, use promo code PAPERS, and get yourself a free first order. Just pay $5 for shipping. It's going to help you out in the bedroom. You're going to be like H uh, you're going to be like, uh, Hager the horrible in there. Yeah. Just no matter how much she fights, doesn't that boner just doesn't go away. Is that a good ad? Is that a good ad read?

I don't know that we'll get another one after that one. But that's a good idea, by the way. That is how you support us. Instead of giving $10 to us, first of all, this is free on the first order. But why don't you throw some of their money? And then think of us. When you're using your boner pills, think of us. Even that won't bring it down. Right. Mike Gibbons, great hanging with you.

I think it's a little late to play paddle tennis today. Tomorrow? Yeah, maybe. Tomorrow sounds good. I've got to exercise somehow. All right. Shout out to Chris Denman, our producer, and also Beth Hoops over at Midcoast Media.

And we'll see you guys next week. Take this paper, fold it into triangles, throw some tape in the middle, and hurl that shit out the window. I like it. I like that. I had some callback to one of our stories of what you do with the paper.

Did we do fish heads? Wrap some fish heads in it. Wrap some fish heads in it. Wrap some fish heads in it. Eat those eyeballs. Take baby Faye, her corpse, wrap it up in papers, throw it in the incinerator. Oh my God.

Oh no. Bandage, stop the bleeding from the black leopard mauling. Put that paper on your head. Take it, Ace. All right, bye-bye. All it's fit to print Conspiracies and capers

They come quick It's the Sunday papers