Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 38 11/22/20

Episode Date: November 22, 2020

Florida Man this week is a guy sitting in the front row of Greg’s show in Tampa. Mike is out of toilet paper and WTF is running down Rudy’s face? Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime

Sunday, Sunday Papers. Get Fitz Talk Microphone, turn him up and turn him on. Sunday, Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers! Read all about it! Florida! Wait, are you in a hotel? I'm in a hotel in Tampa Bay, Florida, baby.

Florida, man. Yeah. Well, yeah, I got a Florida man for you this week. Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait for it. I'm sure you do. Is this something you ran into? Is this a personal Florida man story?

This is Florida man who sat in the front row of my early show last night. Oh, my God, I love it. First of all, how do you feel with the virus that undoubtedly you have already? There's no doubt I have it. And I'm going home to my house where my mom has just arrived from Florida, where my son has just gotten back from Chicago,

and we're all going to be together under a lockdown. L.A., it looks like might. Well, they are definitely starting a curfew on Monday. You can't go out between 10 p.m. and 6 p.m. No, curfew started. Oh, it started. But then they had these in his press release, our governor. It had if the five day average goes above four000, I think it was, then there's going to be a new

wave of stuff. And if it goes above 4,500, if it goes above 4,000, then all restaurants go back to what they were in May, which is just takeout and delivery. No outdoor seating, nothing like that. And if it goes to 4,500, it looks like we're going back towards a stay at home order, right? So I go, all right, well, those numbers, that's to be a five day average. So then I looked up how many new cases were Thursday and it was over 5,000. Oh my God. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Just as my mom gets out here, I'm going to be in the house with my mom and son and daughter and wife. Plus we got the, you know, the maid comes every day. The landscaper comes every day. No,

I'm kidding. I would say, yeah, your pool guy. I would say quarantine over here. How great would that be? We'd be roommates. Yeah. But my daughters are coming back on Monday. I don't have them this weekend, so I can't do that because you definitely have it, I think. Yeah. I need to find somebody who's away for four days so I can stay at their place. I'm going to start looking around today because my wife already said I'm sleeping on the couch. And she said if we have sex, it's got to be like Orthodox Jews with the sheet, but it's a plastic sheet. Right, with zippers and it's actually a plastic box, two little bubbles.

You should get those little bubbles that people run around in. They're big bubbles, actually. What if she did that to me, and then I put my dick through the hole, and I go back and forth a bunch of times, and then I come, and then I lower the sheet, and it's Tom O'Neill, our gay friend, on the other side? Right. It seems you would have felt the difference. Not if it was a blowjob.

Just because, no offense to Aaron, but just because Tom's tighter and wetter. By the way, my mom listens to this podcast. She just told me. And also way more into it. Way more what? Into into it he pushes back that's the new thing you just have to get over that hurdle and then from now on you'll be like so i threw a move on tom i'm having a good day i woke up this morning threw a move on tom he he accepted i was shocked he called my bluff i realized i wasn't even ready turns out a move was thrown on me this afternoon yeah um can you believe my mom listens to this

shit though she's like so my teeth turn purple when i drink too much red wine and that's how you know i'm drunk oh my god yeah so you listen to the podcast and that's how you know I'm drunk? Oh my God. So you listen to the podcast and that's how you know your teeth turn purple. That should be little things. Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. I had this idea. Later we have some letter, who knows if we'll get to it, but someone said he was listening to a certain part when his wife came in and she's like, what are you listening to? But I thought, should we put out to listeners? This is very much like a late night idea.

I can't shake those. It's just in my blood. Should we put out to listeners, do you want us to do a story? We'll make up a story that will help you with your issue in your home, either with your kids or your spouse or whatever it is. Like, for example, we can make up a study and we'll just be like, okay, you ready? Go. Turns out there's a new study, random unexpected initiations of sexual activity by wives resulted

in longer, more emotionally connected marriages. So you would cue that up to have that playing when your wife or your husband came in the room or whatever. That's how we'll raise money for the show. For $50, we will read your personal news item that will help you in your life. We can punch it up, create it. You just tell us what your issue is, or you tell us exactly what ad would help the best or even an inside joke. Or you tell us exactly what ad would help the best or even an inside joke. And we would read it and you could cue that up to be playing whenever they come in the car or the kitchen or whatever it is. Yeah, that's good. That could be kind of funny.

Yeah. 13-year-old children who talk a lot while being driven to school are often given up for adoption, says Reuters. Sloppy roommate cut into pieces and put in a bag. Police look the other way. They understand it. Anyway, wow. Good luck with your, yeah, dude, with your mom there. You, I mean, she might already have it,

but you have to quarantine. Yeah. Well, we have the back house, so I'm probably going to sleep there. And then my mom has got like the little apartment that Owen used to live in. And then he'll sleep on the couch inside the house. Yeah, I think that might be enough. Do you have a fan in your house? You know, you can turn it on without the AC or the heat, just the fan?

Yeah, we got the ceiling fan in the back. Oh, your house doesn't have the whole filtration, like AC? Nope. Yeah, whatever brings in fresh air helps a little, they say, because it dilutes. So listen to what happened yesterday. I got a call from Owen. My Prius was parked out front, and he goes, it won't start, and it looks like something fell out of the front end.

And you know what happened? What? Oh, I can guess. What? Especially with Hondas. Yours is a Toyota, but everyone's stealing catalytic converters. Catalytic converter got stolen out of my Prius. And I called the repair place. About $4,000 to get a new one.

No, it's not. $4,000. Well, we've already talked about anal sex with him, but Tom has a lot of connections to very flexible mechanics. Let's put it that way. Oh, really? Yes. And the guy who stole yours has run to one of those mechanics to sell it.

Yeah. Well, I think we're going through insurance, so it doesn't really matter at this point. We'll just take it to the Toyota dealership because they've actually got the part. We tried to call our usual guy, and he's like, oh, no, you can't get catalytic converters right now. They're so out of stock because so many have gotten stolen in Venice. You know what's a big industry is the apparatus that protects them from getting stolen. Oh, you can buy one of those? Of course.

I mean, it's kind of like a cover for your iPhone. You have to get like three different, you have to get a glass protector, you have to get a case. That's the same thing with the cars now. Wow. So. Yeah, so that was. That's going to happen.

I mean, there's the crime on the West Side. And it's kind of like I'm hearing that. We're both hearing that about New York also. Yeah, not a lot of good coming out of California right now. That's why Rogan left. A lot of people are leaving. You know, the crime and the people don't like Gavin Newsom. People don't like all the homelessness. People don't like the rioting.

The Kardashians They don't like that King of Queens Wasn't brought back After 22 seasons Alright Do we have an ad to get to? How does this podcast work? Let's do a little advertising

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I decided that I was going to have to get rid of them because they were there every night till five in the morning playing loud music, shitting in the lot. It was bad. People are really getting a great view of Venice in this episode. And so you gave them Viagra. So. Sorry, blue chew. So I I was going to I looked up like stink bombs and I looked up how to get rid of people. All this stuff that I didn't want

showing up on my Google search. Did you look it up in a seventh grade chat and come up with stink bombs? What did you try spit balls? I gave them all wedgies and they fucking ran when they saw my slingshot. Well, no, I did get a slingshot. I got a slingshot because I was going to stick eggs in the sun for a week and then shoot them at them from behind a wall with a slingshot. And then I was going to toilet paper their tents, which actually would help them. I was going to take the frog I keep in my pocket and let it loose.

Listen, I, I had a lot of plans, but some won't work. Like I can't stuff their mailbox with shit. They don't got a mailbox. I tried to sneak up on them on my bike, but they heard the baseball cards in the spokes. So anyway, if you want to get online incognito incognito mode, by the way, does not work on your, that's it doesn't work work. Doesn't. Oh, wait, I saw that. I didn't even realize you were doing an ad.

I saw this ad. I can't even tell you how. And listen, I'm not a shill. I am so into this, especially since since seeing that documentary, whatever it was that terrified me that I talked about for three weeks about about how Facebook is. And they're just tracking every single move you make online. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all getting tracked.

Social dilemma. Yeah, social dilemma. Unbelievable. This is the answer to part of it. Well, there's a company that is called ExpressVPN, and they're the best at this. Don't go online without them. And it doesn't matter if you get your internet

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Meanwhile, I just want the mail enhancement because I like when it's super challenging to pee. I just want the erections because I pee too much. And I think the erections will help that. Really? No, not really at all. It's an awful joke. All right. You know, you don't keep the erection, by the way.

People get confused about that. Like there are cases. This guy in Mexico, he got some kind of bull, bull semen that he ingested and it gave him a three day erection. Did you read about that? No. Yeah. And I just realized like you hear about those longterm erections and I always think, you know, I need it for about an hour, an hour. I can, I can, I can have some good fun with that erection for an hour. And then it's almost like leaving the house on a rainy day with an umbrella.

And then, and then the sun comes out and you're the asshole walking around all day, carrying an umbrella. Everybody's staring at you. And that's what it is. And you're thinking to yourself, well, maybe it'll rain again later. And then your wife's like, no rain in the forecast. Yeah. Very. And then it occurs to you when you're online at the bank maybe i should take the fleshlight off maybe maybe that's what's doing it

i gotta stop tickling my balls through my pocket it's just a tick it's a tick i have yeah what's going on with your toilet paper no i'm saying it's already gone. I just put a little note. This stupid, stupid country. First of all, everyone told everyone in March there's going to be a second wave. Right. You were told when everyone hoarded like crazy. Right. And then everyone made fun of hoarders. So you would think we wouldn't be doing this again. Yeah. It was ridiculous to hoard toilet paper the first time around. They actually showed you that it was reckless and, you know, kept it from, you know, other people and blah, blah, blah. Anyway. And it's happening again. Costco out. Target, Walmart out. No kidding. Really? No. Everyone, well, you're in Florida now. Who knows what shit shows down there? But here in stupid Los Angeles, everyone's showing pictures of like the shelves are empty.

I'm stealing the toilet paper out of my bathroom. Can goods are going. What's that? Wow. I'm taking the toilet paper out of my bathroom. I'm going to be like your Uncle John. I'm going to bring that shit home. Exactly. Bring the little shampoos.

We got a bidet installed. No, I heard. It's not going well though, right? No, it shoots the shit from your asshole onto your balls because it shoots at an angle. And so it just skims across your anus and it collects flakes of shit and it gets

them all over your penis. Well, you better warn your mom because it might put out her cigarette that she's going to sneak in your bathroom. Does she still smoke? No, she finally stopped. Oh, good, good, good. Might have been the asthma that she's had for 78 years. Your dogs haven't figured out how to shoot it. So they drink water.

Like dogs love when a hose is fired at them. But mine was, mine's like the low budget one. I mean, some people have like, sounds like this one. This one is a, yeah,

this is just a hose that you're at. This is like getting fucked by a popsicle. There's no, aren't you going to wipe anyway? Like that's my whole point. I actually use more toilet paper because I have to dry my balls, my inner thighs. It goes everywhere. Is there a bidet that inserts it? So it's like a, you know, what do they call that? When you shoot water up there to clean it out. A bidet?

Enema. Enema. Oh, yeah. Do you want to share that with the next person that's going to sit down though well if you're first that's a good one to be first on yeah no no uh no if you lived alone like uh i mean in other words so you're just spraying it down people love them so i don't know what i'm talking about i've never used a bidet or nor an enema, but I'm just saying if it's just spraying the outside, wouldn't a wipe be the ultimate solution better than toilet paper? Yeah. You have to wipe what the bidet does anyway, don't you? Some people tell me they keep a rag or a small towel next to the toilet and then they bidet and then they just pat dry their undercarriage. That's nice. Tell me after the

dinner party when I've dried my hands with that rag. Hey, by the way, how about that theme song this week from John Allen? I liked it a lot. It was like the red hot chili peppers mixed with somebody who was like they put in some cool samples from the show. So make sure you listen at the end so you can hear the whole thing. It's worth it. I liked it a lot. Also, David Hughes, who's a frequent contributor to the show, David Hughes, we'd call him a friend of the show, did a very nice logo for us this week. And that was cool.

We had a bunch of corrections. Man, we fucked up last week. Boy. I doubt it. I doubt it. Hello, lads. Couple of corrections. Hartlepool is pronounced Hartleypool,

and Maori is pronounced Maori. All the best from Scotland, Davey. We're getting pronunciation corrections from fucking Scotland? I'd like to hear Davey say Carol, because I thought the same thing, and I looked up words that are impossible for Scottish people to say, and one of them is Carol. It comes out Carl. Or rabbit.

The ferocious rabbit. Petula Clark up the ash you can mail that pronunciation jordan fine says hey fits hope you're doing well love the podcast sorry to bring an egregious error to your attention you said mcdonald's serves whoppers but in fact that is a burger king product quite, I'm surprised that a member of the liberal elite in the west side of L.A. isn't more of an expert on fast food burger chains. Yeah, you're right, Jordan. That's a real shortcoming I have.

I don't know the names of shit that gives you cancer and diarrhea. That's a real slander on me. And the liberal elite go to McDonald's and Burger King? No, he's saying he's being sarcastic. Oh. That obviously

we don't know the need. It's like when somebody's running for president and they ask him how much a gallon of milk is and they get it wrong and they get shit for it. How about this?

How about this guy's trying to juggle the fucking nuclear codes with systemic welfare and he doesn't go shopping for milk? Is he supposed to be? I am doing a podcast. I don't have time to memorize the food items at fast food restaurants. I'm eating organic breastfed calves.

I only eat beef where the cow was breastfed from a human. We have an interesting steak story coming up. We also have a story about In-N-Out. That's why I confused that because he mentioned the west side of L.A. being an expert on fast food burger chains. L.A. takes burgers very, very seriously. Yeah. So that's what confused me because there's huge fights about what's the best.

And spoiler alert, it is not In-N-Out. I disagree. We'll get to that. This comes from Craig Stanhope. The correction is this. Fish Heads is not by Monty Python It's by Barnes and Barnes So

I'm glad My big contribution Is correcting an off the cuff song Mentioned by Greg That I think Mike shrugged off by saying Yeah yeah I tend to do that But this is the guy you were talking about he said he was washing

dishes and then his wife overheard uh me doing a rant about boobs popping out of bikinis what are you listening to she said i said oh it's a weekly news and current events podcast Boy, is he overselling us. Yeah. Lou McDonald says it's been three-plus long weeks sitting on this thinking it may come up. Longtime San Francisco 49er fan at the age of 10, now 46, I was able to attend Super Bowl XIX at Stanford Stadium in Palo Alto, California, roughly 30 miles south of their home field at Candlestick Park.

I'm not sure if this falls under the critical expectations as a home team Super Bowl. I guess that's about as close as you can get. She was sitting on it for three-plus long weeks. Yeah, I don't know what that means. Thinking it may come up. Didn't it already come up? Maybe we said it three episodes ago, and he kept thinking somebody else would correct this,

and he didn't, and now he is. I'd say that kind of counts, man. I think so. I mean, Palo Alto, isn't that pretty close to where the 49ers play now? I went to a 49ers game, and it was like a good 45 minutes from San Francisco. It was a fucking hike, and it's down there in Silicon Valley.

Yeah. I mean, people did write it incorrect because we had said, we were talking about the old era of Super Bowls, but that unless you had a dome, it really couldn't be in the north. But the one, I think there's only been one exception, and maybe since then there has, but when it was in Giant Stadium.

Oh, yeah. And it snowed the day before. Yeah, they thought they were going to have to cancel it. Yeah, and I was hoping it would snow. No, I don't think they were going to cancel. I think it would have been great if it snowed. Are you talking about like it was like 10 years ago? God, it probably was.

It feels more recent, like six or seven, but it probably was. Yeah, no, I remember them saying there was problems with flights getting in and that they were really considering postponing it and having it like a Monday night football game. By the way, Monday night football this week, your Rams, which you have, which you had season tickets to until you get cheap. And,

uh, and my Tampa Bay Buccaneers are lining up for Monday night football. Yeah, boy, they blew them out last week. Hold it. Whatever. So I,

now the bet I owe you 50 or whatever. You owe me 50. They lost by 20 fucking points. They're on fire. And I'm right here in Tampa Bay. I'm up on stage talking about you and how much money you're going to owe me by the end of the season. Boy, I'm sure they're happy they paid for that seat.

What seat? The seat to watch you talk about me betting on Tampa Bay. All right, let's get to it. Front page. I don't have a paper to crinkle. Do you have a paper? I sure do. I have, like, notes from a...

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! There we go. I have notes from a CBS call on something I'm writing, and I don't mind crinkling this up 40 times today. How about that?

There you go. Why don't you read this first story, Mike? Front page. A man competing on the television competition show Wipeout died earlier this week after completing an obstacle course while filming the series. Following the incident on Wednesday, the contestant was attended to by on-site emergency medical personnel and later died. Wipeout contestants must undergo medical examinations in advance of participating. So Greg and I brought, flagged this story and put it in here because let's just say we know someone affiliated with production and we have heard stories for years. And dare I say, Wipeout is the action park of television

shows. You might remember Class Action Park, the documentary that we had so much fun with, and Action Park is that adventure, not amusement, adventure action park in New Jersey that had unbelievable amounts of injuries and a significant amount of deaths. you that from the stories we've heard, which include using, just like Action Park did, using employees to test out the new incredibly dangerous challenges, including things like being shot out of a cannon and stuff into a pool, have resulted in many, many injuries to staff there. And I think they do a good job also of hiding and keeping quiet all the emergency runs to hospitals oh yeah no they keep an ambulance there it's there all the time i was there i got to our friend got me in which is rare there's no audience for it okay he got me into a taping and first of all it's up in the valley up, and it's fucking freezing. And that water that they have to go into is like 50 degrees. And so there's people that are getting like hypothermia.

They have to jump from the, you know those giant balls? And they jump from ball to ball? He said that no less than a dozen people have gone headfirst into a ball and fucking racked their neck, broken their neck, and then landed into the frigid water to be whisked away by one of the wipeout ambulances. It's fucking crazy. This is allegedly, I should say, this is all allegedly. All allegedly. And also it's alleged that we have a friend that is involved with production there. It's alleged that I was invited to stand there and that they were there was one where they put snow.

They put snow on the sides of the pool and they had us throwing snowballs at the contestants while they were trying to run across the balls without breaking their necks and landing in the frigid pool. Well, I see every first of all, they get smashed often by this like big arm spinning around. But then like, yeah, they are falling where their neck can hit something on the way down. Something really hard. Yeah. Right. No, it's crazy. I don't know how deep the water is.

It seems like they stand in it. It seems like you could, if you did a perfect dive without your hands, it seems like your neck could hit the bottom. Yeah. But it was fun. I took my kids and they were thrilled they fucking loved that show so what's gonna happen in my amateur opinion here is there's obviously going to be an investigation and maybe a couple and one of them could be from the family of the deceased to see how often this has happened. In other words, if it's sort of a culture over there of being unsafe. Yeah.

And I don't know. I doubt it looks good. I don't even know who the new host is. I think they rebooted it. It used to be, what's his name? John Henson. Yep. He was over there.

his name um John Henson yep he was over there and then I should know his sort of a partner on air there I forget that guy's name he was he from like sports maybe was he yeah I think it was a sports guy and then there was a woman who was super hot who was like the one who had to stand down on the you know because I think the hosts they do it all in post. They're not even there. But then the woman is like the on the field. They always take the woman and put her down on the field. And so she'd be down there freezing her ass off, talking to wet people with broken necks. All right, let's do this story about coins. Crinkle.

Go for it, pal. I didn't hear any paper crinkling. How am I going to go? Oh, no, no. Well, aren't we still in the front section well i don't know do we crinkle between stories also i don't know but anytime i can crinkle this note up which is terrified of anything edgy go ahead uh a south carolina couple who recently moved into their home found a cache of rare coins, no pun intended, worth about $25,000, and returned them to their owner. James and Clarissa Munford said they closed on their Columbia home in mid-October, were in the process of moving in when they discovered two cases of coins from the 1800s in a built-in

closet drawer. Munford said he took some photos, texted the pictures to the former owner, and they were his. The couple said keeping the coins never crossed their minds, even though they would have been within their legal rights to claim ownership of them. What, Mike Gibbons, would you have done?

Well, meanwhile, the previous owner, when he got the coins back, was like, Arr, thank you. Right, you steal those coins. He could show up with a fucking sword. I think the couple was just so uncomfortable that everyone had a giant swastika, every one of the coins on it. Would you keep them or would you tell the owner?

That's a great question. It legally is yours. There's also, you don't, depending on how hidden they are, maybe the owner you bought it from didn't even know about them. Well, it sounds like he didn't. It sounds like they interviewed him and he had so many other coins. He forgot about those. How do you forget about $25,000 worth of coins from the 1800s? That's true. But you but you don't know that at the time. So they could have very well been in the house if there was an owner before him.

I guess I'm just trying to justify keeping them, but I guess I'd contact him. I hope he gave them a reward. I also have a feeling if he's saying they're worth 25,000, they're probably worth a lot more. Well, when I moved into my apartment on Mulberry street in little Italy, in New York, there was a couple that I rented from. And so, um, they left some stuff behind in the apartment. Um, their son and they, apartment. Their son was in sanitation removal, and he lived out in Jersey. And their other son worked at Wipeout. He's our connection. And so I looked in the – it was furnished.

They left behind their furniture, which was literally the Italian, like the couch with the plastic on it and like all the Formica end tables. And so I look in the end table and there are shell casings, spent shell casings and eavesdropping equipment for the phone. And so I used to go over to them once. Their son bought them a condo around the corner. Because this was, if you remember, a six-floor walk-up.

Oh, yeah. I remember it very well. So they were getting old. You were in a five-story walk-up at the time, right? Yeah. And there's something about those walk-ups. Just briefly, my brother-in-law and I ran the New York City Marathon for two years. The first year, he came from L. for two years. He, the first year he came from LA,

then he had been running. He did two, I think 20 milers to get ready for it. And when he got to my apartment, he walked in the door. There's a night before the marathon, totally out of breath and goes, I'm fucked.

And I'm like, no, there's something I go. Me too. I've been running my ass off. I go, there's something about these stairs. It's not like running five miles. It's almost worse. Dude. Patrice O'Neill came down. He, um,

he goes, Hey man, can I stay at your apartment when I come to New York? He'd never been to New York before. And I was like, yeah, man. So he comes down and he, he gets to the, uh, he gets to the downstairs and he calls my phone. There's no buzzerer so what i would have to do is i would have to walk down the hall go through tom o'neill's apartment and throw a sock with the keys in it down onto the street six floors below and then he lets himself in he comes upstairs and uh you know it was it was nighttime goes to sleep on my on my fold-out couch which he almost fucking collapsed and then in the morning we're going out to get some breakfast, and he's got all his fucking, he's got all his bags packed.

I go, what are you doing, man? I thought you were staying a few days. He goes, man, I ain't walking up those motherfucking stairs again. Fuck this. I'm going back to Boston. I had a pipe leak, and I'm waiting, and I buzzed the plumber in and I'm waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm like, he went to the wrong apartment. Like, I got to go find this guy halfway down. I find him. It was like base camp at Everest.

He's just like acclimated. He's literally leaning against the wall, like having an episode. And I was too young. I didn't like, I should have jammed an aspirin in his mouth, but like he eventually slowly made it up, but like, didn't talk like he was affected. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was no joke. I was in good shape. I was in good shape back then, man. I used to go up and down the stairs a few times a day and I got around New York and I was going to acting school for two years, uptown, up in Times Square. We were down below Houston Street and I would rollerblade to acting school. I would rollerblade across town to the east side to the Friars Club,

rollerblade home, go up and down those steps. I was in shape, brother. And then we'd play squash at NYU. We would. Let me just try to forget that you would rollerblade to acting class that phrase really sticks out and it was hard because I was carrying a rainbow flag the entire way and the Daisy Dukes they don't really bend in the back that well oh my god okay And the Daisy Dukes, they don't really bend in the back that well. Oh, my God. Okay.

I think we have the logo for next week's show if somebody wants to take a crack at that. Oh, God. In Arkansas, the, oh, no, we're going to skip that one. Let's talk about Rudy Giuliani. How did it take us this long to get to this story? Jesus Christ. You saw that, right? It was crazy.

First of all, his thing went on forever. And just even Fox News was like, oh, God, there's just no truths in there. Yeah, right. He gave a news conference for like 40 minutes. He began sweating because he was spewing so much bullshit and his sweat began to drip in color. Commentators assume that Mr. Giuliani was the victim of a bad hair dye job that was dripping in color. All of a sudden, very dark liquid was dripping down his face from his hair. So several Manhattan hairdressers said that what was dripping down the face,

down the president's lawyer's face, was likely not hair dye. Mark Vergani, the creative color director at the drawing room, a salon in downtown Manhattan, said it was far more likely that Mr. Giuliani had used mascara or a touch up pen to make a sideburns match the rest. That's perfect. I wonder if it was running down his legs also. Giuliani then had the police shoot the mascara thing 41 times in an alley.

That's an old New York joke, kids. For all you kids who didn't know what an asshole Giuliani was in the 90s, he would just blindly take the police side. And one gentleman who the police thought was reaching for a gun was shot and killed, but shot 41 times. Anyway, this is at the same time. Amadou Diallo. God bless him. Right. And this is the same time that there was the Central Park Five or whatever they were called, who were five black youths that were picked up on a murder charge in Central Park, which they were later cleared on.

But Donald Trump took out a full page ad in a New York newspaper saying that they should get the death penalty. This is when Giuliani was in power. It was really a bad time for New York, even though it was good in terms of like crime went down. It went down, it went down. But with with what cost? Right. And then there was the other guy.

I guess it's OK that I forget these guys names. But in addition to the 41 at the same time, roughly the guy who was shot 41 times. And by the way, you know, whatever. And then, of course, God forbid something happened to a white person. The typical pattern, there's an investigation and everything stops and questions are actually asked. But there was the plunger incident. Remember the police? Yeah. I guess I have to say allegedly, although I think it was proven.

It was proven. Sodomized the the black person in custody with the plunger. Yeah. Um, but, uh, you know, I always hated Julia and they use the wooden side too,

which was worse. Is it worse? I think, you know, there's still wooden on the other side, but you would also have a plunger up his ass. So anyway, um, but what people don you know, there's still wooden on the other side, but you would also have a plunger up his ass. So anyway. But what people don't know, I hate giving him credit for that. Basically, it was this Giuliani is this tough fucking asshole. Right.

So when 9-11 happens, someone like that can really ease fears and make people think that someone's in charge. So he just got incredibly lucky, but he gets too much credit. First of all, whatever, we don't have to talk this much about Giuliani, but his police captain came in and did that broken window philosophy on how to fight crime. And then Giuliani and him would fight so much because Giuliani was trying to steal all the credit. But more than all of that, Dinkins, who gets such short shrift in history, All of that. Dinkins, who gets such short shrift in history.

Crime went down under Dinkins his last like 13 months. And he had broken the biggest trend ever in New York City, reversing the crime trend. And no one remembers that Giuliani inherited a good trend in crime. Not only that, but almost every other major city in America had similar downturns in crime at the same exact time. Yeah, the kingdom of crack was on its decline and all that. So whatever. Giuliani's a dick.

Anyway, let's get to some international news. Oh! make the characters more likable that was that one also okay uh a meteorite story an indonesian man sold them is that like uh florida man an indonesian man sold the meteorite that crashed through his roof for over $1 million. I mean, that just alone is the greatest first line of a fucking news story. Josiasuahutagulang33 said he was working outside his home in Sumatra when the meteorite crashed through the roof of his house. When I lifted it, the stone was still warm, and I brought it into the house.

The four-and-a-half-pound chunk of CM-and-a-half carbonaceous chondrite, a rare variety of meteorite, was valued at $1.8 million. He said the money will allow his family to expand, and he also plans to donate some towards the building of a local church. Doesn't the church always come out on top? These fucking impoverished people, they finally come into some money. And what do they do? Give it to the institution that's been sucking money out of them their entire fucking lives?

Not only that. You're going to give it to the church and be like, where did you get this money? Oh, this meteorite from space came. Apparently it's a really old rock. Older than anything you fucking admit happened ever in the universe, you stupid institution. But I'm going to still give this money to you. Yeah, right.

Maybe with the money he can build a house that's stable enough to withhold a five pound rock going through the roof. Yeah. Also, he's going to put a little money towards the plot where his wife, who has a huge hole in her abdomen. That's unlike page two of the story. It doesn't come up. He grabbed the rock. it was still warm my my wife's body however freezing cold at that point freezing cold but i grabbed the warm rock he said he's also i like he said the money will allow his family to expand that's what you need

that's what you need have some more kids to celebrate that you finally got a little extra money you fucking dummy oh my god you know the other thing is i remember that uh that uh beretta what was his name blake robert blake robert blake you know was accused of killing his wife i think he was convicted of killing his wife wasn't he he? Huh? Wasn't he convicted? I don't think. Oh. That's a good question. But if so, I don't think he went to jail that long.

He's the one that said, anyway, but I think it was the great Gary Shandling had such a cool angle on it. Because I was imagining this story that no one would believe. Like if his wife had been killed and he would complain to all his friends about his wife, no one would believe that he didn't kill her. And the great Gary Shanling had the line with Blake. Blake's alibi was he's eating dinner with his wife in a restaurant. He goes out to his car with her. And then he says, I left my gun in the restaurant. Believe it or not, that was his alibi. And then he comes out and someone had killed his wife. But he famously hated his wife, was trying like in the process of divorcing her and all this really hate her. He goes into a restaurant. He comes out and this wife is dead. And Shanley's take was nobody is that lucky.

He's just guilty based on that, that no one is that lucky. That randomly the person you want off the face of the earth is killed. Well, maybe the meteorite really did crash through his roof and then he looked around, picked up the rock, and beat his wife to death with it. We don't even know for a fact he's married,

but that became the thrust of the story. All right, it's time for Florida, man. I think we know who's handling this story. So normally we rip one out of the headlines. This one comes up close and personal from the front row of my show last night at the Side Splitters Comedy Club in Tampa, Florida, where I will backtrace my COVID to next week. I mean, I'm literally going out.

I have one show Thursday, two last night, and I have three tonight. So I'll have done six shows in front of a crowd of people with no masks on. There's no way I'm not catching COVID this week. Hold on. It's indoors? Yeah. If you didn't know, does it seem like any visit to Tampa to that club? Does it what? Would you know? Is there any difference between normal times and now?

Well, they only do the club at half capacity, I think, or that's what they've been telling me. So it's the same for you. Actually, sales are up. Sales are up. All right. There you go. And so anyway, this guy's this guy's the front row. And I just I like I like Florida people because they all have a backstory. None of them is from Florida. They've all failed miserably at something else in another state and ended up. They should just say, the Florida license plate should just say Florida, where you end up. Totally, it should. Remember in Cold Blood, the two lunatics who killed that whole family in Kansas or Oklahoma?

Yeah. Whatever. I think it was Kansas or Oklahoma, whatever. I think it was Kansas. Anyway, of course. Hey, where do you want to go? Florida. Yep. Yep. And that's where they went. So this guy's sitting in the front, and I sum him up, and I'm trying to read him.

And I go, he's got some camo on, and he's got a MAGA t-shirt. Wow. Which I appreciated not wearing the hat, because that's a bit much. But the t-shirt. And. Which I appreciated not wearing the hat because that's a bit much. But the t-shirt. And I go, let me guess. I go, you got a pickup truck that's got double wheels in the back. He's like, yep. I go, you've got an NRA sticker in your truck.

He's like, yep. And then I said, he was with his wife and i go how long you guys been together and he goes since she was 13 he was 16 she was 13 and they started dating and they stayed together the whole fucking time and i go i go so you guys lost your virginity to each other? And they both nodded. They were both laughing. They were like, yep. And I go, so sir, you've never had sex with another woman in your entire life? And he goes, I wouldn't say that.

And she fucking turned and looked at him and was like, what the fuck did you just say? And they were, for the rest of the show, there was like a very tense conversation happening between them. And they were in their 60s. Wow. Yeah. And he told me that he hunts deer in the off season when you're not allowed to.

And then he takes the deer carcasses to this creek where there's alligators and he throws the carcass into the water so he won't get caught. And he says there's nothing left when the alligators are done. Sounds like he's doing that to humans also. Yes. Yeah. If that wife takes too much of a stand on this cheating thing, she could she could get a little visit to Cripple Creek. She's going to file and get half. She's going to get three of the wheels off that pickup truck. Wow.

Yeah. That's, I mean, it can only mean one thing because he's clearly not talking about when he was 15 and had sex with a 12-year-old. Yeah. Right. So I think it-year-old? Yeah. Right. So I think it has to be cheating. Yeah, and they were actually Florida natives, I should say. They were not from another place. What's the age of consent there? Some places it's like 17 or 16.

Does that exist? No, I think it's 15 or 14 in some places. Man, that's young. 14? Yeah, I think in Alabama, as soon as you can say the word yes, it's legal. I already doubt that story very much just because you have to say yes. Look up for us. If you can get off the maga

website for a minute and uh um i know that i know that he definitely uses the um the the express vpn to hide with the conversations he has online yeah all the money he gave to giuliani after his speech does does qAnon take Bitcoin? Where are we now, entertainment? What's the lowest age of consent, Chris, in the country? All right, let's get- By the way, you can find that search in your browser history. And by the way, we don't need your photos of it. That's Chris Denman. Let me photos of it. That's Chris.

Let me guess. Let me guess, Chris. You live in that state. All right. Here we go. Entertainment. What do you got? You started The Crown?

I watched the first episode of The Crown because my wife and mother have watched the first episode and they're waiting for me. We're going to watch the series, which is very weird because as an Irishman, I, as you know, loathe the British and I, I loathe the Royal family and, and Margaret Thatcher, who's an evil fucking cunt.

And they did more to kill fucking innocent Irish people. But somehow I am entranced by this series. I was very, I had no understanding of the royal family and their value. I just thought they detracted. And then as I've gotten older

and softer, I kind of realize, and it came to light recently when the Queen spoke and how much that meant to the country with the virus back in the spring. Like, we will get through this.

And, you know, listen, Churchill had a lot of bad traits. Don't get me wrong, but an amazing heavyweight. And he really was such an incredible leader during World War II. I don't want to take anything away from that. But there is some dumb human thing that we have, even in this advanced stage of humans, where a mother and father figure still hold value. I hate to say it. No, it's like that with, I think, Caitlyn Jenner and Chris Jenner. I think that's something that we look to as our royal family in this country oh good lord

look what you go to Florida for fucking one weekend and now you're a total lunatic that's right boy but but listen but having hats with shiny things on them that are worth bazillions of dollars like all that is so stupid yeah

and they have tons of blood on their hands in many, many ways. Don't get me wrong. But it is interesting because you do see a job that you don't sign up for. And anyway, I'm about six shows in of season one. Oh, season one. Oh, this is season four that just came out. Yeah. But wait, what have you watched? Episode one of season one. Oh, season one. Oh, this is season four that just came out.

Yeah. But wait, what have you watched? Episode one of season one? No, it's season four. I've seen all three seasons. Now I'm on the new season that came out this week. Oh, you dipshit. So I just started it.

Oh, you're going to love it. It's really good TV. The acting is great. And just the pageantry, the shots of the palace. I know I'm asking all the questions people asked four years ago, but where do they shoot that? The rooms are unbelievable. I know. I think there must be some abandoned castles out in North Wisconsin, which they grab one and they, uh,

they shoot there. Uh, this just in from Chris Denman, um, uh, Trump one. Oh, no.

He says, uh, an absurd amount of States have 16 years old, but that bad part is the minimum for prosecution. I E in North Carolina, over 12 is fine if the person is not four years older. So a 15-year-old can have sex with a 12-year-old in North Carolina. Maybe, maybe. Who knows how careful Chris was with his writing. I wonder if 16 gets away with 12. Yeah, his writing is not good, but that bad part is the minimums for prosecution, i.e.

All right, well, listen. Well, wait, also, by the way, four years still covers 16, because if you're late and you're 12, hopefully they're late in their 12th year. But that means someone early in their 16th year. Listen, I'm not saying I studied this stuff and took it apart and put it back together to work for me. But if you are young in your 16th year, you certainly, it sounds like, can be with someone who's further along in their 12th year. Yeah, they're on the puberty side of 12.

Also, it should be noted when Chris says an absurd amount of states have 16 year olds, he's talking it's absurdly low. He would like it to be much higher. Yeah, because he doesn't want to keep having to do the international sex tourism thing. He wants to support local states, which is really positive. I mean, it's so much easier going to Idaho than Thailand. Yeah. Yeah, you have a lot more money to throw

around. If they could just... Alright, so what else are you watching? What did you watch this week? I watched this on HBO as a documentary called Murder on Middle Beach. Have you heard about this? No, I think I'm done with true crime for right now. This is an interesting one, though.

I mean, there's only been one episode, so I'm watching it old school, which is you have to wait until the next episode comes out a week later. which is you have to wait till the next episode comes out a week later. But this kid basically has a handheld camera. And the premise of this documentary is, does anyone know who killed my mom? And it's a rich family in Connecticut, I believe. And his dad will not give him answers or talk to him. Wow.

So that's where I'm at. It's one episode. I don't think I've spoiled anything. And it's interesting. It's interesting that HBO and every other media outlet will devote multiple episodes to one white person that was wealthy, that was murdered, when fucking dozens of killed,

minorities are killed in inner cities every day and nobody gives a fuck. It's not even on page one. A concern that's never been thought in that hotel room in Florida or in that five mile vicinity ever where people have definitely been killed in this room. But it reminded me of my childhood.

Like I wanted to, I should have picked up a camera and be like, why hasn't someone killed my mom? Anybody? Fuck it. I'm going to boarding school to get out of here. buddy. Fuck it. I'm going to boarding school to get out of here. Uh, I also watched completely unrelated. It, it popped up on, on the Netflix homepage.

I think it's on Netflix when I watched something else and it was cuckoo's nest. I'm like, you know what? Let me just see the first few minutes. Yeah. I noticed it. Let me just see the first few minutes. Cause I remember it being, yeah. I noticed it pops up. Let me just see the first few minutes because I remember it being one of my favorite movies of all time. I could not stop watching, and this is the thing. Let's put this out there to listeners.

I think Cuckoo's Nest, which swept the Oscars, I think Cuckoo's Nest is in that category of perfect films. Yeah. Where every syllable counts and is on track and the layers of subtext and allusions. There's obviously the, you know, Christ and his disciples, which, which gets a little heavy handed, maybe a little, you know, when he literally takes them fishing, but it works. And, um, anyway, if you haven't seen Cougar's nest, of course, see it, but suggest other perfect movies. I obviously think silence

of the lambs is a perfect movie. I would say raising Arizona is a perfect movie. I don't raise Arizona is a perfect movie. Yeah. Um Obviously, everybody's going to say Chinatown. That gets said a lot. Citizen Kane is going to be high up there. Yeah. Billy Wilder movies often get put in that category. I would say Blazing Saddles is a perfect movie. Yeah.

They have to be pretty taut, you know know obviously if it's a comedy too but like they're not gonna they're usually not gonna overstay their welcome you know dr shivago while amazing and lawrence of arabia i wonder if they i have to revisit them they're considered the some of the best movies of all time does that make them like a perfect movie or do they maybe bask in their own sort of vast landscapes as john ford and and those guys would do um and i'm spacing on the who directed david lean uh directed those big ones also so anyway just putting that out there all right let's move on to uh oh there was one of the stories i just wanted to touch on there's um a movie is it a movie or is it a series called no it's a series run is that the one where there's a couple that meets uh or they text each other

run and then they leave their lives to meet up and go on the and go on the lam lam. I think maybe you, if I'm thinking of the right one, you might've tried it and didn't like it. I tried it and didn't like it. Uh, but anyway, that's not the point. Uh, there was a lead character in it who is play, who is in, uh, a character who uses a wheelchair and they were, uh, intent on hiring an actress who in real life uses a wheelchair. So they found this woman kira allen um and uh i guess there was a lot of shit given to hollywood because sometimes

they uh they cast people that are not what they're playing uh for instance um maddie ziegler was cast on a show playing an autistic teen when she's not in fact autistic and everybody should be exactly what they're playing now. You know, it's like on big mouth. You remember they, they got rid of a character because she's supposed to be half black, half Jewish. The actress in fact is Jewish,

but not black. And so she, she apologized to the world and left the show so that they could book a black person who, by the way, will then be half right on that character because she probably won't be half Jewish. Yeah. By the way, I looked up this story.

It's even really hard. It was a poorly written story. I don't know if I wrote it well, but I was trying to be politically correct. So I put that the, the opening line of the story on our document was the lead character who uses a wheelchair in the show. So I tried saying the lead character who's disabled, but you can no longer say that. And then I was like, well, differently abled. Nope. So it's changing very quickly, and it's hard to...

So I guess the most used or accepted, I don't even know what the word you would say right now is. I think it's falls down. Huh? I think it's falls down. Person who falls down? Yeah. Well, what I liked reading when I researched this a little bit was people, people with disabilities. That's the one that's most widely accepted now. But these people with disabilities balked at differently abled because differently abled is such a bullshit thing you're hiding behind.

Because if you're differently abled, well, that means I'm differently abled just based on the words. In other words, if you are someone who can't walk because you have no use of your lower limbs and you're going to call yourself differently abled. Well, I don't know what that means, because clearly I'm differently abled because I can run fucking circles around you. My legs work. I'm different than you. So, so that didn't work. And they're like, no, it's almost like saying you don't see color and, and people of color, which is probably, but a black person could be like, fuck you. You don't see color. I'm black. You know what I mean? Like they got offended and disabled people are like, yes, I do have limbs that are disabled. Like I, I,

I am not able to do some shit and I, that title should reflect that. Yeah. So anyway, it's like especially when they want to get one of those handicap signs to hang in their car so they can park for free.'s like then they're like yeah i'm handicapped i'm crippled whatever give me that fucking placard yeah like if the placard was said differently able i'm like well i want one too because i'm i'm fucking very different than that guy who has to uh have a booster seat and and use little sticks to use the pedals. I'm different. I want to park there. So this story goes on to say that they hit an obstacle while searching online for an actor,

some of whom were very good, and they claimed they used wheelchairs in real life. Wheelchairs? Wheelchairs. But then there was a couple ladies who submitted themselves as people with disabilities, and they were like, wow, they're really talented. But somebody looked them up on Instagram and there were videos of them walking on the beach from like two hours before.

Hey, you're an actor, right? They came in and acted. They acted disabled. It seemed a little weird when in the audition in their wheelchair, they had like the see-through Lululemon yoga pants. Yeah. Why were her sneakers worn out? You wouldn't think.

Those skin tight yoga pants are kind of hard to get on when you have dead limbs. You also pretty shapely calves for having never used your limbs this past decade. All right. Enough. Enough. All right. Well, you got some facts about the Queen's Gambit? Well, no, just a quick little stat.

I thought they were pretty predictable, though. Sales of chess sets have skyrocketed thanks to the Queen's Gambit. Chess sales are up 1,048%. Still no uptick in people adopting nine-year-olds. No, but on the good side, tranquilizer sales also threw the roof. They're selling them with the chess sets. Also alcoholism. Alcoholism on the rise. Yeah. Also on the rise,

kids going into basements to play games with janitors. Lot to be learned from that movie. If you're in an orphanage, get to that basement. It could be your ticket out. If you're in an orphanage, get to that basement. It could be your ticket out. If you see a janitor kind of creepily just staying in a basement

and technically playing with himself, go get involved with that guy. That's called a mentor. Yeah. Let's get to some sports. Oh. Let's get to some sports. Ooh. Well, Mike, you lost last week. You lost.

You're down. I have to say, though, overall over the season, you're only down 50 bucks on our bet, our standing bet that I take Tampa Bay every week. The over-under point spread could actually not be more accurate. One of us has to be up or down right now. So Carolina lost to Tampa Bay by 20 points last week. This Monday night, as we said, they're playing the Rams.

The Bucs are four-point favorites. I think they're going to, I don't know, could be a good game are they playing in LA who gives a crap but um I imagine it's not Tampa Bay you're in fucking Tampa you don't know if they're playing there I don't Chris do you want to? Well, listen, they're giving away four points. At Tampa Bay, Chris just said. I think they're home. Yeah, they're home. All right. Yep.

So, all right, Tampa, have fun with that one. I still don't understand how the season's working. And then a very brief other sports update. I really don't know much. I don't know anything about college football except that I hate the SEC. I don't even know if both these teams are from the SEC, but I think they are. But the Clemson-Florida game got postponed today, a couple of hours before kickoff, as the teams disagreed about whether to play or not. Guess why there was controversy or even the question? It's because a Clemson player's late positive test, of course, for COVID-19 is the reason.

The schools and conference announced Saturday morning that the game had been postponed after both teams' medical personnel were unable to mutually agree on moving forward with the game. And this, they were really looking forward. Clemson was really looking forward to getting back to this because it marked the Tigers quarterback, Trevor Lawrence's return to action after he tested positive for COVID a couple of weeks ago. So his return will have to wait. But like, does anyone think this is sustainable? And I also don't understand it.

When one guy gets it, he's been practicing with the team. If they're following protocols, again, I don't understand. And the NFL also. I don't understand how everyone is in on. If you're following, going by the book, wouldn't you all be locked down for two weeks? Yeah. And they're all sleeping with the same cheerleaders because there's usually only three cheerleaders that really, you know, have, let's just say, have team spirit.

And they can be 16 years old in a disturbing amount of states. And I think the SEC probably dominates on that state list. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right, Mike, let's do some science. She blinded me with science. Don't even sing it. You can't even sing it.

I know. We'll get flagged. You can now eat human steak. Scientists insist it's not cannibalism. Actually, you can't eat it because it's illegal, but you're able to eat it. Scientists and designers from the U.S. have created a, quote, Scientists and designers from the U.S. have created a, quote, grow your own steak kit, which uses human cells and blood to pose the question to the cultured meat, to pose a question to the cultured meat industry. All right. So this story was a little confusing.

There's already been a surprising amount, I didn't know this, of lab-grown meat. I was unaware of this. What this new story is saying, though, is you don't have to go to the usual route of growing meat, which includes a protein-rich growth liquid from calves and factory-farmed animals. You now can do it, where is it in the story? By swabbing, I think, the inside of your mouth and using used blood, human blood samples, which will be thrown out because they expire like almost everything in my fridge. So this steak can be grown from those swabs from the cheek and donated blood. Lab-grown meat is not currently approved for human consumption anywhere, but the industry is already valued at hundreds of millions of dollars.

So did you know about this lab-grown meat? I know I kind of slaughtered that. Well, yeah, it's that stuff. I'm assuming it's that stuff like, what is it called, miracle meat? No, no, no. That's made from beets. Yeah. Oh, this is made from actual blood.

And this is actual meat. Oh, I see. And this is going to be human meat. Right. But they're already making lab- grown, I guess, calf meat. Uh-huh. And it's from a fetal bovine serum. So I guess it's different.

So why do they need human tissue or blood or cells? Because it's more, quote, more environmentally friendly than factory farmed animals. Hmm. Well. So I don't know, but I don't even have jokes on this somehow because I was so confused by the story. I was just shocked that there's so much,

this is very much like the future. Like astronauts will go up with like their little factory meat packets. Right. Scrape their, scrape their cheeks, put it in a refrigerator and pull out a fucking rump steak that looks like their own ass three days later. But we're getting very close to like growing our own limbs back

if you've lost a limb or anything. Oh, really? I didn't know that. Well, I mean, we're really getting in there with growing. Yeah. Artificially growing things, you know, based on human samples. Yeah. There was another story, was it last week? But they, you know, that Jurassic Park model of finding DNA, that's all you need now right dna right right i know to replicate yeah so we may be able to bring back extinct animals right

yeah and we did that story on the zoos you know the zoos are gonna have um and in fact was it the san diego? Like has a section called like, basically that's the scientific part of it. And they have, they have frozen DNA from endangered animals. And right now they have a horse running around from like, from DNA that's 30 years older. We did the story on it, but anyway, um, it's getting interesting out there. I got some, I got some DNA in this hotel room That's about 48 hours old Let's do a quick

Dear Amy, should we? Alright Well we're not going to shit on the In and out in Colorado Alright let's do that That's the business section There comes your business. Colorado got its first in-and-out locations, and the lines are 14 hours long.

Wow. In Aurora, the in-and-out is one of two that popped open in the state with the other in Colorado Springs. That location was slammed, too, with the first customer having gotten in line on Tuesday at 4 p.m. Local time. Police said the line wrapped around the mall twice and was estimated between one and a half and two miles long and taking 14 hours. hours. One of the cops goes, maybe support another local eatery today. Um, and in and out and in and out another day, if traffic is too hectic for you. Good point cop. But I can't believe California, I mean, Colorado is falling prey to this. I think in and out is the most over rated burger chain in California. Totally disagree.

I think it is the most amazing burger you can buy. And first of all, if it's 14 hours to wait, you could fly to California. There's an In-N-Out near the airport and fly home in probably seven hours. All right, hold on. You like, let's just begin with their French fries. Their French fries are not good. Okay. Thank you. At least I know I'm talking to a rational person

now. Okay. Moving on. Listen, the burgers tasty. Don't get me wrong, but there, I mean, even like fat burger is infinitely better. Like, and I'm not one of those guys who, so I had some writer's rooms where when it's either Steak and Shake or one of them came to LA very recently and- Shake Shack. Okay, fine. They ordered, a couple of these nerds ordered Postmates and the Postmates bill came to over a hundred dollars for the delivered burger because Postmates had to wait online so long. But it was worth it for these nerds. Yeah, unbelievable.

I'm staying in this hotel right now that it's a very nice hotel, but it's like in a corporate park. And so there's no real rest. There's one restaurant nearby, but it sucks. And so like for breakfast, I have to wake up and Postmate Starbucks to my room. And then for lunch, I Postmated a burger to my room. And then before I leave the show, I'll Postmate some fucking chicken figure. And it's not cheap, man. You got to pay all these delivery fees. It ends up being like 20 bucks just for like a burger. The whole delivery racket and all these restaurants, it used to be the restaurant had a couple of delivery guys.

Yeah. And they wanted more business. And it was that simple. You used to work for Wing It. It was like 739 Bird. Yep. My Subaru wagon stunk of buffalo sauce. Yeah.

It was, yeah, I delivered chicken wings all over Boston. For a couple of years, I made really good money, though. All right, so listen, let's get to the funnies. We're running over. Boy, are we. Yeah, what time's your show, man? My show is at 6. It's 4 now, and I have to do three shows so i got to preserve

my voice a little bit all right let's get to uh beetle bailey who um you know are we doing the funnies uh the paper yeah we're doing the funnies oh yeah do it do it funnies There we go. All right, now, we all know the military is a little sexist, a little rapey. Beetle Bailey certainly captures that in a funny, humorous way for your daughters to read in the Sunday paper every week. Miss Buxley, who is the female, not a soldier, of course. She's a secretary for the general.

And she's smoking hot. She's about 19 or maybe the army is in North Carolina. She could be 12. And in the first frame she has on like a frilly bathrobe, she's got on lingerie, black lingerie, her tits sticking out and she's answering the phone in her apartment she goes I can't come in today sir I'm waiting for the repairman there's a leak in my plumbing and a missing part on my heating thingy

and then the general's sitting at his desk and he goes I've got leaky plumbing and I'm missing parts but I show up for work and then he spanks one off in the third frame now there's no third frame but we it's assumed that that's what happens in the next frame of this comic i think this is a second draft i think the first draft they got that got rejected was like talk slower tell me about your leaky

plumbing also what's in her is that a vibrator in her pocket? Is that a vibrator in her pocket? It looks like a vibrator in her pocket. Wait, have you, I spaced out a little. Did you describe what she's wearing? Yeah. Lacy black panties and a bra that, I mean, she's got a flat stomach, nice thighs. But with the sexy, like that's like a lingerie robe. Yeah, yeah. And she has, help me out, what else could that be? It's something in her pocket that's phallic. Is it like supposed to be the handle of a hairdryer? No, I'm guessing what the hell that could be.

No, it's a dildo. It's definitely Mort Walker, Greg and Mort Walker, who's a father and son team that could be. No, it's a dildo. It's definitely Mort Walker, Greg and Mort Walker, who's a father and son team that write this. Again. Yeah, right. This is like the fucking royalty in England. How do all these ridiculous comic strips,

which should have been retired with their creator, get just automatically continued with their son? Yeah. And did he sneak one by? Hats off to him if that's what happened. Yeah, they're just, they're waiting. At this point, they've been doing it so long, they're just waiting to get canceled. They're throwing shit in there just for laughs to see if anybody notices.

Which brings us to Andy Kapp. Andy Kapp is at the bar. He downs a pint. Which brings us to Andy Capp. Andy Capp is at the bar. He downs a pint, and then a woman who looks a bit like an old trollop, she says, hello, handsome. And he looks at her, and she goes,

what's a gal got to do to get a gin and tonic out of a fella in this place? And he says, you just ask the bartender. And while you're at it, I'll have a pint. Which is, I just love Andy. Andy in the wild is something else. I mean, he treats women like fucking garbage. He's not only going to fuck her. She's buying his drinks.

Well, she doesn't know, Andy, but I hope she doesn't say no to his request it's not going to go well at all what's a gal gotta do to get a punch in the face around this place what do I gotta do to walk out of here with a black eye like if this were a sitcom you'd be like and she's like, I'm not buying your drink. The place where, Oh shit. He's going to bash her in the face. Like it would be the lovable. It's kind of like,

don't sit in Archie bunker seat. He'll yell at you. He's like, Oh, you don't want to tell Andy cap. No, you get a knuckle sandwich lady. Um,

this is from Hager, the horrible. I don't think I've read this one before but let me know if i did i have read this one before but go ahead do it we'll find a new angle on it well the king and the queen are laying in bed they're both pie-eyed they look scared and the king says i can't seem to fall asleep and the queen says me neither and then in the window are the marauding rapists, Hager and his gang. And they go, we couldn't sleep either. Yeah, they have their ladders. They've climbed up to the window. This is a really weird one. Like, why are they so wide-eyed?

Do they hear them? Are they just like, that's what you're like when you can't sleep. It looks like you've taken like 40 kilos of cocaine. Maybe when you live near Hager the horrible, you're just, there's an impending rape every night. You just, you don't nod off when you, when you hear the, you know, you hear a little bit of clanking in the distance. Now in the second frame to the left, are those holes, little holes in the wall? Are those little marks on the wall? Or has he got her squirting?

What's going on there? Yeah, I think there's a lot of squirting back then because women had so many venereal diseases. There was just constant liquid coming out of them this is fun for a podcast we talk we talked for five minutes about a potential dildo in that woman's pocket and now i'm talking about these weird like water like water icons that are on the left part of the screen here all right anyway which brings us to family circus mike so it's one frame it's the uh it's the little boy and he's staring his name is billy it's billy i don't i don't give a shit i'm never gonna dignify this piece of shit he's looking at a clock on the bureau. You know, it's one of those nice wooden like clocks up there. And well, I can't read. I can't wait to read what he says about it.

So he says, they don't look like hands to me. They look like arrows. About obviously about obviously the hands on the clock, but I mean, just fuck you. Yeah. By the way, arrows is all caps. I don't even know why, but like that's, that's nothing.

That's Letterman used to have a bit. Is this something? This is nothing. Yeah. Like, and how did how do you not how do you not realize it? How do the editors not realize it? Yeah. Like if I was in a in a if I went to a grammar school and saw like kids drawings like stuck up on the, and I saw that, I'd be like,

well, I'm not sending my kid here because this school's packed with retarded children. Yeah, it's like, I think that Jeff Keen was walking out the door to play golf. Club's on his back, and he's like, fuck, I forgot to do the strip disc for this Sunday, and he saw a clock on the wall, and then he did a voice memo on his way to the country club

where he said, they don't look like hands to me, they look like arrows. Can somebody draw that up real quick? And then he was off. But, like, was there other ones? Was the kid, like, looking at the lower part of the bureau and saying like these don't look like legs to me they look like pieces of wood yeah or like it's insane this doesn't look like noon to me it looks like the number one two

this doesn't look like a mitten to me this looks like michigan the state where trump's trying to overturn the votes but seriously fuck you keens yeah yeah and you know you're better than this mike there's only one way to pull you out of this and that of course is to go into that little sexy corner of the Sunday funnies. How else would we end an episode except with this little vixen, Blondie, first frame. She's wearing a daiquiri colored. It's a don't don't think turtlenecks can't be sexy. When you throw one on Blondie, that thing fucking puffs out at the titty bombs and it's soft.

It's like an agora. It's like an Agora. It's like an Agora wool. It's nice. Tucks in tight around the waist where there is the velour black skirt that we see a lot of but can't see enough of. The blue shoes that match the blue dog. That's a standard. She says, dear, what sounds. And those calves.

Those calves. Oh, my God. She can audition from a wheelchair? That's right. They would know. She's other-abled, all right. I would work those calves. I'm not a calf guy, but with her, that's five minutes before I even kiss her on the mouth.

She says, dear, what's— In butlery? When you first meet her? In Butlick? When you first meet her? And now Dagwood, he's standing there with his briefcase, and he's going off to work, and she says, Dear, what sounds good for you for dinner tonight? And he says, Why? What are my choices?

And she says, Are you sure you really want to know? And he says, Why wouldn't I want to know? And then the final frame is them sitting in a nice restaurant, tablecloth, wine glasses, blindies got on a black velour dress, pearl necklace,

hair done up, black lipstick, which is fucking hot. Oh, I didn't even notice that. Yeah. And now they're looking at menus and Dagwood says, you could have given me a hint.

Hey, Hey Dagwood, drop the fucking attitude. This hot piece of ass takes you to a four star restaurant, pulls you out of your humdrum zero life to give you a glimpse at what fucking greatness can be. And you go, you could have given me a hint.

Fuck you. greatness can be and you go you could have given me a hint fuck you this cartoon also doesn't nothing makes sense today no what it would have been worded differently right like wouldn't you have said dear what sounds good for dinner i'm up for anything are you sure you're up for anything yeah why wouldn't i be well i didn't know it included like this was like why what are my choices are you sure you really want to know why would i want to know and then all of a sudden they're in right whatever yeah there's no turn there's no uh yeah jeff keen help him out on this now bill keen one of the fucking keen one of the keen's um all right so that's how we're gonna go out mike listen you have a great week i'm gonna rest up my throat for three shows tonight and uh i'm gonna try to accelerate through the finish line i'm very excited it's a great club

down here um i have no other dates to plug because um it won't be until I think January till I'm on the road again. I don't know. So when do you fly out? I fly back Sunday morning. Tomorrow morning. Yeah. Yeah. You got to stay away from your mom, man. Yeah, I know. For many reasons. But yeah, I would. I don't know. What's the minimum you could do? Test five days from now? I'd say five days, and then you really know. I'll do an instant test tomorrow just to see, and then I'll wait four or five days and get another one.

And during those four or five days, I'm going to stay in the back, low profile. Yeah, it just gets so much scarier. Like if it was just your regular family, they're pretty resilient. It just gets, you know, it's the same thing. I'm for many reasons supposed to have gone back east to help my dad out. And it just doesn't make any sense now. Like I would have to quarantine. He's so immunocompromised and even just based on age. Yeah. Nevermind a weak heart that it's like I'd have to really do a

quarantine. Yeah, I know. And that's what's plaguing Thanksgiving. And we'll see what happens. But hey, happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. We hope you enjoy it. And just remember, your family is the most important thing in the world. It doesn't matter that you can't get on Tinder and get laid this week. Just try to make some food and love each other. Yeah, and try to have as good a Thanksgiving as you can. It's going to be disappointing in most cases, but wait till Christmas, which will be worse. That's what Thanksgiving is about this year.

Yeah, I know. Be thankful it's not a month from now. Yeah. Oh, God. And don't forget Black Plague Friday. Get your discounts. That's it. All righty, man.

Enjoy Florida. All right. Thanks, man. And thanks, as always, to our fine production staff, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops over there at Midcoast Media. And we'll catch you guys next week. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. All righty. Turn them up and turn them on. Sunday, Sunday papers.

Gibbies in a closed closet, cracking wires and talking shit. Hear ye, hear ye, read all about it. Good Lord. Sunday papers. Socks on my arms. Socks, socks. Where's the ice cream? Did you not know? But I don't know.

Wait a minute, though. I'm wondering. What the what? Read about it.