Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 39 11/29/20

Episode Date: November 29, 2020

It’s a party! Cher saves an elephant and the Taiwanese parliament is hurling pig intestines at each other. Dagwood sucks...  

It's Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike, it's Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike, it's Sunday Papers, Greg and Mike, do do do do do do, Greg and Mike, it's Sunday Papers. Read all about it! Oh jeepers. Sunday Papers! Oh my god. The one, many sections, business, science, lifestyles, international, and some funnies. Get your Sunday papers, people. It's about $13 now.

You know what I paid to get the New York Times delivered to my house? $48. $13.50 a week. Because the cost of the paper is like $7, and they charge you $6 to deliver it. I could read it online for, I don't know, $3 a week. How much does this, I'm going to look that up now. How much does this Sunday New York Times,

hello everybody. No, that's all I get, just the Sunday. That's just the Sunday. Oh, that's the Sunday. You don't get the weekend? Nope. Weird. Okay, so let's see how much a Sunday New York Times cost. Good way to start a podcast with a Google search.

Here we go. Oh, yeah. It's five bucks in New York, six in the rest of the country. Yeah, and then like seven something to deliver it. It's more than a it's like a book, though. It's crazy how much is not as thick as it used to be. It's getting skinnier and skinnier. It's anorexic. Well, because online there's a lot online. Yeah. What do you read? What news sources do you go to? What do you read? What news sources do you go to?

Mostly the dark web. That's where I go and wherever the conspiracy theories are, because that's what I love. Yeah. Wait, hold on. We're bearing the lead here. Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving, Mike. How was, am I doing the math correctly? You had two people from Florida fly in for Thanksgiving? That's correct. You and your mom.

And my son came in from Chicago the week before, living with six guys. And you gave up on quarantine. Almost instantly. I came in. I thought you were like, I literally saw you like dip your head. And I thought you were going to be like, I wish you hadn't said that. Instead, you went the other way, and you made it even more intense. Now, I mean, the idea was I was going to stay in the back in the guest house with my mom and Owen.

I keep introducing her to people as 81, and it drives her crazy. Because they're like, you don't look a day over 79. Right. Now, my mom looks good. Your mom does look good. Yeah, no, she looks like, you know, it seems weird calling your mom fit, but she seems like in shape and youthful and energetic.

She doesn't seem that. She is all that. She, you know, she plays golf a few days a week. She walks on the beach like every day and no sun, no sunblock. My mom has gotten to the point where she feels that she doesn't need it anymore. And so she just goes out. That's a great idea, actually. There's going to be a couple of those things, right?

Where at a certain age, you're like, yeah, fine. You're not going to catch me. Yeah, right, right? Where at a certain age, you're like, yeah, fine. You're not going to catch me. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, they say that about prostate cancer, like one of the options, depending on how old you are, like if you're in your seventies, I guess is one of the options is always do nothing like radiation operation or do nothing. And do nothing is a death sentence, right? No, they say it's such a slow-growing way to go that it won't come into play. Yeah. By the way, consult your doctors.

I don't know what I'm talking about, but I have heard that. I've gotten the finger up my ass probably five times now. Greg, we were talking about doctors. I don't know why you're all over the place changing subjects. I was going back to when I had a babysitter when I was a kid. And I thought it was weird that I would have prostate exams as a five-year-old. You can never be too safe. And why, when he was checking it with his finger, did he have both hands on my shoulders? Old joke. Shout out to Andy Kindler.

By the way, Kindler got very mixed reviews on this show. We'll get to it in the letters section. That's perfectly Kindler. Yeah. That's exactly what he wants. People fucking loved him or hated him. And it's a little bit of an acquired taste. Also, whatever, it's going to sound so egocentric,

but in a way it's like comedians or people in the funny business like you and me, I guess, writers and comedians are, uh, we just respect how different it is and how he doesn't usually go down the, I want to be liked road. Yeah. Uh,

which is very refreshing. And it's also incredibly meta. You can see him avoid or highlight all the tropes and all that stuff. So, yeah, he the best part to me is that he's he's got all the intonations of a Borscht Belt comedian, which is what I started out as my dad taking me to the Friars Club as a kid and hanging out with Milton Berle and Henny Young, not Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Malzie Lawrence, Dick Capri, Freddie Roman, all these guys.

And Andy, as a Jewish comedian from New York, just also loved that, and he's got that rhythm that I fucking love. Yep. No, it was great. Speaking of love, there's a thing, and speaking of wanting to hide your news sources if you're searching q anon or things like that um there's a way to do it that you will never be caught you can be like a spy on the internet with express vpn it's uh it's an isps and um you basically get on there incognito mode.

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Expressvpn.com slash papers to learn more. I mean, I'm using it for my Cyber Monday because already whatever I have looked for, for gifts or any of that stuff, it's an inundation of ads. Oh, yeah. Like I'm about to die and they need to show me where I can get this stuff. All you got to do is put in a search for like shoes and all of a sudden your Facebook, everything pops up, fucking shoe ads. And it's not that the clutter bothers me. It's that they know or they think they know me.

You don't know me. Exactly. Send me some pictures of some Asian feet. Then you know me. Hi, Mom. Yeah. Literally, she sits around with her phone on high volume, eating breakfast, listening to Sunday Papers and Fitz Dog Radio. And I said to her, Mom, it's just, I go, just stop.

I said, this is like, I go, what about, doesn't the cursing bother you? And she goes, it's not the cursing, but all the masturbation. Well, wait a minute. As Woody Allen said, don't knock, don't knock sex with someone I love. I, by the way, on that note, I stopped by, draw my kids off at Liz's and Liz's my ex and her folks were there. So my in-laws, I guess technically they'd be outlaws now. And Jill, who you know, my mother, my ex mother-in-law, I guess. Yeah, I think she'll always be my

mother-in-law. Anyway, she says she listens to the podcast, but it's getting harder because you are so dirty. Really? Yeah. Said that. Wow. And I was thankful I pulled back from swearing. I mean, I still swear, but I've been really trying to lessen it. You don't need to be a potty mouth. All right. So I guess our new demographic is 78 to 81 year old women. That's true. And someone teach them how to get to express VPN because their searches must be crazy. Oh yeah. Yeah.

But it's already too late to make this one a non-dirty one for you. Wait, one more little thing. So having nothing to do with our podcast, but in terms of people over for the holidays, Sophie had a friend over, right? And they wanted to watch a funny movie. So like what funny movies she was watching. Everyone was

going through the funniest movies. So I go, have you guys seen something about Mary? Friend goes, my kids have not. Friend goes, oh my God, that's like one of the funniest movies. Um, you know, it was funnier. And I'm like, was funnier. And this is, you know, this is a 17 year old. And I'm like, like, you know, when it first came out, it hasn't held up that well. I'm like, held. I go, how old were you when you first saw something about Mary? But then this is the line that made me think of it. She's like, yeah, you know, it doesn't really have the staying power of like white chicks. White chicks.

Oh, my God. I literally, I cannot understand my kids' taste in comedy. It's crazy. That's like, I'm in a conversation. I'm fully invested in it. I'm trying to give them help. And that's like being in a, you know, like, you know, a little group at a cocktail party or whatever it is at some party. And you're talking for a while and you're really, like, respecting, you know, you little group at a cocktail party or whatever it is at some party. And you're talking for a while and you're really like respecting, you know, you're giving them the benefit. And all of a sudden you realize, oh, all of you guys think the earth is flat.

Oh, sorry. I'm going to go find another conversation. Yeah. Yeah. But what do I know? I couldn't get through white chicks. Maybe it gets amazing. Have you seen Pineapple Express? So I was told by a ton of people to see Pineapple Express and I didn't love it. I did not like it. I just thought and this is one of the ones they think is a movie classic. And I watch it and I go, all right, if you smoked a fat joint with three friends, you'd probably enjoy that movie. But, you know, stoner comedies, Half Baked was great.

Cheech and Chong movies, you know, were reasonably funny, but they all required being high. And Pineapple Express, if they like that, our kids are getting high a lot. Well, I loved This is the End, and I didn't think I would. Oh, it was so great. I didn't see it in theaters because I'm like oh no they're all playing themselves and it's all going to be just competing dick jokes anyway loved it so I am not you know like I let I can I should have liked pineapple express I guess I mean it's not like I don't like that world and uh yeah I didn't like that world. And yeah, I didn't like it. No. My car, I think I mentioned last week that my catalytic converter was stolen from my Prius, parked in front of my house. Venice is getting fucking bad. We had tweakers in the parking lot behind our house for like six months.

Oh, no, the west side of Los Angeles is a problem. There's there's tents up with homeless people on every block. My catalytic converter, it costs three thousand dollars to fix it. I went through insurance, but they you know, they're going to jack up my rates because of it. You know, they give you the money, but then they take it back. And then but but the the upside they rented me a dodge charger and the funny thing is erin went to pick it up and they had like a fucking you know a honda accord and uh and then they go oh by the way if you want this for the same price you can get it and she thought about it i was like what is there to think about and i am driving around like a fucking teenager. I'm having so much fun. So when it came time to like, all right, I'm going to borrow the charger. Let me get some things out of the Prius. Did you leave your skinny jeans and things in the, in your Whole Foods mug?

You just leave that in the Prius. I hope it's not worth, Dodge isn't going to let that in. I peeled my NPR bumper sticker off my Prius and I put it on the charger. Charger shook that shit off right away. First turn. Get out of here. I took the beads off the front seat, slid them onto the Charger seat. Prius has a gentle little horn. This one plays Dixie.

Yeah, and I don't have good control of it. It's kind of hard to control. Like, I floor it going into turns because I want to squeak the tires. And sometimes I can't really straighten it out that fast. People are looking at me. How's that little cartoon character sticker in the window, peeing on Kamala Harris? What's that little guy's name?

He's on every pick up. It's so weird. It's like a macho thing. And meanwhile, it's like from the funnies. Yeah. It's got the. Calvin and Hobbes, I think. Yeah, I think it is Calvin and Hobbes.

Yeah, there we go. Our crack producer. Chris Denman. Not before I did it. Not before I did it. Not before I did it. He's going to be texting us. We did a thing with him where we used to bring him on the show, and he also produces the show.

And then when it happened, people couldn't hear his voice. So we're just texting with him. He's distracted sometimes because QAnon has some breaking news. I forget what it is, but he has to stay abreast of it. Also, I think he might be doing this from Georgia because I know he's trying to keep the Senate. That's right. It's the campaign against flip the Senate. Right. He's trying to maintain it. Drove his Dodge Charger all the way to Georgia. Maintain it. Drove his Dodge Charger all the way to Georgia.

There's a song in there somewhere. All right. So let's give a shout out to that song today. Kind of jazzy, fun song, huh? I liked it, especially as it goes on a little longer, which it will at the end of the show. I just pictured like a 1970s movie with an old airplane taking off. Like it just had that sort of soundtrack from the 70s sound. Yeah.

People are smoking cigarettes, stewardesses are wearing mini skirts. Oh, by the way, if you want to see amazing footage of that, did you ever hear the case? Sorry to interrupt you like that, but exactly that of smoking with glasses like champagne glasses on airplanes. There's tons of footage of that in this new documentary on HBO called The Cure, The Mystery of RJ. I'm going to find it now. Anyway, did you ever hear the case of the guy who hijacked an airplane that took off from Portland to Seattle? He hijacked it. He had a bomb with him. By the way, it's a nice reminder that in those days you just walked on planes. There was no security. Yeah. You just showed up like you were to a train and you then get on the plane like a train. And he walked on with a bomb and he walked on, I think, with four parachutes and he hijacked.

That's a short flight to get all that done. Seattle to Portland is about a 14 minute flight. No, I know. And he did it. Let me look it up here. And he then, the mystery of D.B. Cooper, it's called. So did you ever hear about this guy? He hijacked a plane, got his demands, I guess he asked for $200,000.

They landed in Seattle. Everybody got off. The plane didn't even realize they had been hijacked. And then when they got off, they were so far from the terminal. And people were like, oh, my God, we were just hijacked. Hijackings were happening a lot in this documentary coverage. The PLO. They get him the $200,000, and then he demands to be flown to Mexico and

it's too far. So they're going to refuel in Reno. So on the way to Reno, he jumps out of the plane. He even has to ask the cockpit because the door in the back that he was going out of had a staircase and the staircase. So they slowed the plane down for him. So the staircase could actually go down enough for him to jump out. And then he was never, ever found. No. Did he get the 200,000? They got some of it. It's interesting, but I don't want to do too many spoilers, but they investigate at least three. I'm not, I didn't finish it. I fell asleep, but not because it's bad. It was late at night. At least three people who are convinced that they know who he is and that he was in their family.

And that's what this documentary explores. That's amazing. By the way, that song was by John Barron and also our logo this week, which I love. We get a bunch from this guy and I fucking mispronounced his name and I apologize. James Wooder chick. I think. Oh, no. Look at this.

Chris said there's there's a ton of bars in the country called DB's Hideaway. What is after this? After this guy? Oh, no shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. Some corrections. As you know, we sometimes err slightly in our information, and you pointed out to us.

Mike Mulroy said on 1122, I mispronounced Reuters. You said Reuters. It's Reuters. Oh, the news service? Yeah. Did you know that? And that's from Mike Mulroy? Mulroy?

Mulroo? Mulroo. Thanks, Mike Mulroo. Mike moron. Yes, I do know it's Reuters. All right. Also, we got one from Daniel Goodman. Tell Mike that is this anything which you said was a Letterman bit was actually a Leno bit.

Lanz Eric Pearson points out. What an idiot. Daniel, I worked for Worldwide Pants for five years. It's a Letterman bit. Oh, my God. All you have to do is Google it or look it up on YouTube. Watch them. it's a letterman bit oh my god all you have to do is google it or look it up on youtube watch them it's a letterman bit i think you're confusing that leno usually would wait a few years and then do leno and do letterman bits so maybe that's the

confusion if if leno has a bit and he's asking is this anything i think the answer is no. Yeah. Is this, Oh, the bit's over. Sorry. Is this stolen? I think Leno had a bit. Is this stolen? That's what he should have had. Meanwhile, I actually liked Jay. I've spent time with him. Have you spent time with him? Yeah. I used to do bits on the tonight show. Oh, nice. But we, did you ever get to like backstage or hang out? Yeah. Yeah. He would always come backstage and hang out. He's the nicest guy in the world. The nicest guy in the world. And, you know, I think he's on the spectrum and he he he tells you jokes. Yeah. Right. Right. Well, you know, his favorite thing to do is like at night he'll go out and do a set and then he comes home and he goes in his basement and he watches people's sets from the late night shows he tapes them and then he'll hang out with a couple friends and he likes to watch comedians i heard there were like four people at his wedding

you know he just like got that over with and uh it's easy to shit on jay but he's uh he's a hard working guy and when he before the tonight show he was truly one of the best comedians in the business. I used to go see him at the Bottom Line in New York. I saw him at Paradise in Boston. He was really great. He got soft, obviously, with The Tonight Show. But before that, he was actually kind of edgy. Letterman's favorite guest.

When Letterman had a show and Leno did not, Leno was still just a stand-up. And Letterman was on at 1230 on not. Leno was still just a stand up and Letterman was on at twelve thirty on NBC. Jay Leno is absolutely his favorite guest. And it was really nice to see because, you know, there was there's bad blood between those guys. But on the on the Comedy Store documentary on Showtime, Letterman giving a lot of love to Leno. Wow. Like remembering him as just the monster that everyone talked about. No one more prolific. All of that. Yeah.

Monster in a good way. Sorry. Monster creatively. Yeah. This one comes from Matthew Brandstetter. Dear Mike. Oh, Jesus. What has happened?

What happened last week? Your sports story was about how Clemson and Florida State had to cancel the game due to COVID. You started and ended the story by trashing the SEC. I find your comments on this podcast to be insensitive, narrow-minded, and downright offensive. You crossed the line on this one, though. Clemson and Florida State belong to the ACC,

not the SEC, you fucking jerk. Love, L&D. I like it. All right, Matthew, you fucking jerk. Love, L&D. I like it. All right, Matthew, you got me. We got a dozen of those letters, and people were not taking it lightly. They were really incensed. He is right. I made a very—I did make a big mistake.

I meant to trash all of Southern college football. I should not have limited it to the SEC, which I don't even know what that is. Yeah. And it's so funny. You should have included like San Antonio, Pop Warner football, everything. Any football team where more than half of them

think the South is going to rise again. And it's so funny that I was the insensitive, narrow-minded and offensive one. That's what I'm railing against. But they're all getting it. You know it's bad when they call hike and all the white players just go after the one black player, even if he's a tight end and he doesn't have the ball. Well, Greg, Give them a little slack. And they're still getting used to black people being allowed to play and in games and even allowed in bowl games. That's it. That is still a very new concept, relatively speaking.

Yeah. So sorry about that, Matthew. Good point. Oh, actually, I fucked up the name. That's L&D. This next one's from Matthew Branstetter. Oh, hi, Greg. Matt from Lancaster, PA, was listening to the November 5th episode. Heard you mention the sugar content in Subway rolls. I was interested, so I Googled it. And shocker, the story came from Ireland. Huh. I didn't know they had subway in ireland um the food is good in ireland by the way we the last time we went it was like as good as any european country it was amazing oh no they've become uh a little bit food they finally figured out remember when like a school trip or you were school age or probably when you went backpacking there, you couldn't find good food in London.

No, no. It was fish and chips. That's all you can get. The reason you got them is because it was deep fried. And then, of course, like American idiots that we are. I I didn't go to a McDonald's by design like, oh, there's a McDonald's. That's what I know. I mean, you know, you and I are kind of the exact opposite with a lot of healthy hatred of our own country or skepticism. But the McDonald's was the highlight because everything tasted awful. Even in that quality controlled environment. They also serve beer at McDonald's in Europe. controlled environment. They also serve beer at McDonald's in Europe. That's cool. All right. The other thing we asked for is we talked about perfect movies. You mentioned The Shining.

I think I said Raising Arizona. No, I mentioned I didn't mention The Shining. I think The Shining is far from perfect. But it was The Shining. What did you say? Cuckoo's Nest. Oh, Cuckoo's Nest. Right. Yeah. You don't think The Shining's a perfect movie? No. Listen, I loved it. It was basically a screensaver on our TV all junior and senior year. We'd come home hammered and just watch it. That and The Last Waltz. But it's a little long.

It's great if you're on that, on that level. But like, if you are like, Hey family, I want to show you a perfect movie. The shining is not what I would put. No, there's not a lot of story. It's basically, you're watching a guy go insane. But, um, and the story is so open-ended. It's not like a, Oh my God, that's what this this is so deep. You can go deep and it still makes sense, still makes sense, still makes sense. The Shining goes deep four different ways that are conflicting.

And you can think one thing about it that's like and there are no real answers. And none of the four are very convincing. We're cuckoo's nest. Of course you can have differing opinions, but there's a pretty convincing one. Mark Malick thinks that a perfect movie is The Apartment from 1960. A lot of people consider Sunset Boulevard to be Billy Wilder's best movie, but to me, The Apartment is better.

I'll see. I'll revisit. You saw the apartment? Oh, so fucking great. I believe he wrote it as a play because it's not. Most of it is set in the apartment. And is it Shirley MacLaine? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, Shirley MacLaine. And is it Jack Lemmon? Yep. Yeah. I would call that a perfect movie. Absolutely. And Sunset Boulevard, without a doubt, a perfect movie. Sunset Boulevard is up there for sure and perfect movie.

I had never seen it. And then I watched it late at night, high on the road, and I couldn't fucking believe how honest it was. That's what came through. And how ahead of its time it was. Yeah. With a person of the screen and that ego wanting, like demanding to get back on the Paramount lot. I mean, I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille. Like, it's unbelievable how ahead of its time it was.

Yeah. And then Egan Daly Scott said, the last detail, Hal Ashby, it had Randy Quaid, Jack Nicholson. He said he'd put that up there with Midnight Cowboy. Midnight Cowboy, probably a perfect movie. These are great suggestions. I'll watch Last Detail.

And also he said The Devils, Ken Russell, the guy who did Tommy with Oliver Reed. Which I had never heard of this movie. Yeah. Yeah. And finally, Kristen Leishman says, just watch The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford from 2006. I saw it. How was it? I remember it being good. It was great. I saw it. How was it? I remember it being good.

It was great. I think Brad Pitt's in it. I remember it being a little long. Maybe I'm wrong. So anyway, worth revisiting. These are all good suggestions. All right, I'm writing down last detail. Maybe that can be the movie we talk about next week.

Deer Hunter is long, but for those who haven't seen. Deer Hunter is long, but for those who haven't seen The Deer Hunter, I mean, that's a piece of work for sure. It kind of feels like two different movies, though, and I don't think they tie in that well together. You don't think Pittsburgh with guns is like Vietnam with guns? Yeah.

I do. Mouth! Do it, Tommy! Well, here's a greater appreciation. For anyone going to see The Deer Hunter, and I won't spoil it, there's an amazing Jungian analysis of it, a critique,

and basically the critique is that the characters, I guess there's three, each has one of the Jungian responses to when you see the dark side. And of course, Jungian is the template. Jungian writing is the philosophy is the template for Star Wars. I mean, George Lucas has said so. The hero's journey, right? Not only the hero's journey and all that, which is, you know, the other guy,

Joseph Campbell, but it's also light and dark, good versus evil, and what a human does when they encounter, especially darkness within them. And also Joseph Conrad's, you know, heart of darkness and all that. But anyway.

Apocalypse now. Right. Joseph Conrad's, you know, Heart of Darkness and all that. But anyway, with Deer Hunter, the three reactions, when you see they went to Vietnam and when you see how dark and how much like an animal you can get giving up all human civility, you can either run from it entirely and just like ignore it or like recoil and just not put yourself out there anymore at all. You can lose your mind. I think I'm getting the three right. Or you can. And the most healthy reaction is realize that within all of us, there's light and dark and that it doesn't mean you're a monster and that all of us have that in us. And you just function, you know, with that. Oh, you sorry. The first one is the recoiling and all that. I fucked this up badly. The first one is the recoiling and just absolutely being incapacitated. The other one is what I just described, the healthy response. And then the other one is being won over by the dark side. Right. Like Marlon Brando in the apocalypse now.

It's the Darth Vader. It's the dark. Right. And it's the Darth Vader aspect where your dark side gets the better of you and your light side can't win it back over. Would you say Donald Trump experienced that with the presidency? I think he's still a beacon of light for so many Americans. I don't want to go there right now. Let's get to the front page. It's been 32 minutes. Let's do it.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! You want to talk about this one, Mike? Yeah, you added a lot. I'll see if I can read it. But Iran, I guess the lead story, hopefully the Middle East is, we're recording this on Saturday. Hopefully the Middle East is still a thing tomorrow instead of being nuked to no end. But the assassination of a scientist who led Iran's pursuit of a nuclear weapon for the past two decades threatens to cripple president elect. I see you. I put this story in a different way. I think you need the headline. Iran's leading nuclear scientist was assassinated. was assassinated. And everyone seems to believe that it was Israel behind it.

And they say it will cripple President-elect Joseph Biden's effort to revive the Iran nuclear deal, which Trump backed out of before he can even begin diplomacy with Tehran. And there's a lot of theories about why this was done. But a big one in Trump wanted to get involved and take military action against Iran because they've stockpiled way more uranium than they're allowed to under this agreement that we backed out of. So now the stockpiling has gone up. It's sort of backfired. Which is not illegal because there's no longer the deal, right? I don't know enough about it. Would Israel say it is illegal because they're still in the deal? Maybe they're not even, but I don't know what one would say. Right, right. He tweeted that this was a criminal act and highly reckless. It risks lethal retaliation and a new round of regional conflict. Iranian leaders would be wise to wait for the return of responsible American leadership on the global stage and to resist the urge to respond

against perceived culprits. To that tweet, Ted Cruz retweeted him and said, it's bizarre to see a former head of the CIA consistently side with Iranian zealots who chant death to America and reflexively condemn Israel. Does Joe Biden agree? So to that, I love this. And the reason I put this in there is you can really slam someone, but do it in a kind of without using like you and I, like he didn't snap. He didn't go down to his level or anything like that. So John Brennan responded to that. Ted Cruz, he goes, it is typical for you to mischaracterize my comment, your lawless attitude and simple minded approach to serious national security matters demonstrate that you are unworthy to represent the good people of Texas. Oh, shit. That's a slam. Right? That's just laying it out there.

I mean, this guy, Ted Cruz, a lot of these guys, they are so free and loose with what they say. The falsehoods, the slander, the vitriol, the stirring things up. There's no restraint. Yep. And then he followed it up. John Brennan followed up saying he had worked hard during his career for Israel's security and to counter Iran's malign activities. And he added, quote, aside from his tiresome rhetoric, what has Senator Cruz ever done? Wow. That's a good point. What has he done? Right. And I mean, other than crazy flip-flopping. Yeah. Was he ever the governor or was he always

just a senator? I don't know. I don't think he was governor. I could be wrong. Yeah. Alright, let's get to local matter. Los Angeles is shutting down. New stay-at-home order starting on Monday. Oh, is that the one you wanted me to read? Yeah. You skipped it.

Sorry, go ahead. But I fucked up the Iran one because I had it in the international section and then I saw you had it in the international section and then i saw you had it in front page and i so i just deleted one of them and i must have deleted the wrong one so you luckily i didn't take out the uh john brennan stuff so what we do is we have a google doc for people that are fascinated by this back and forth and uh we throw stories in there um you want me to do the la.A. one quick? Do it. Do it. Pretty straightforward. Announced a new stay at home order for the largest city in America.

As of Friday, they announced it because the virus surged out of control. The county had set a threshold of an average. We talked about this last week of forty five500 cases a day over a five-day period. And we didn't expect to reach that level until next month. But LA, way ahead of schedule, the five-day average on Friday was 4,751, 4,751 a day. The three-week order takes effect Monday, tomorrow, but stops short of a full shutdown on retail stores and other non-essential businesses. We're hoping golf courses and I don't know what else stay open. Yeah, they're saying now the experts, you know, the scientists, you know those guys? Yeah. They're saying that cases around the country are going to double in the next month. Fucking double. Yeah. Well, it's geometric or the other phrase

that she used to, we'll probably get corrections on that, but it really, it doesn't take much for it to double. Algebraic? I don't think it's algebraic. It's, um, I forget the name. And it has a lot of overlap with the geometric growth, which means it can really happen. And also the numbers can just really add up fast because it's one thing to double it when you're low. But if you continue that pace, um, you're then doubling a million cases in the same time frame. It's so weird because we live on the west side of L.A. and we get mocked. We're mask wearers. We are social distancers. I do not know. I know one person on the west side of L.A. personally that got the virus.

And that would be your ex-wife. That is true. Do you know anybody else? Very early she got it. She was being really, really careful. Couldn't be more careful. Let's say she got it in March maybe. The only thing she was doing was going food shopping and she thinks that's how she got it, but not the usual symptoms also, which made it confusing, like didn't have the fever, but was just debilitated, especially with fatigue. She was out of it for like a few weeks, right? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Did you see the sick? All right. So I had two people. I haven't watched 60 Minutes in a while and I should. But I had two people go text me and say, did you see 60 Minutes? So before responding to them, I'm like, maybe I should check it out. So I check out 60 Minutes.

It was so depressing. So I wrote back to them. I'm like, just watched. It was so depressing. And both people were like, oh, yeah, I was going to tell you not to watch it. Wait, which story was it? The Long Haulers. Oh, I didn't see it.

Was it just this past week? Yes. So they had two stories. One on all the missing children from the school systems. There's one county in, wait for it, Florida, where 7,000 children, they don't know where they are. Like, I'm not saying they've been kidnapped they school has no idea where they are and so it's actually an amazing story of the superintendent or I think that's who it is in this one county

personally going out like with a clipboard like where's this kid and they've gotten the number 7,000 down to the hundreds wait a minute I don't understand this you're telling me that there's 7,000 families to the hundreds. Wait a minute. I don't understand this. You're telling me that there's 7,000 families missing a child right now in Florida.

No. The school system is missing 7,000 children. I don't understand what you're saying. Is this a joke or you really don't? No, I don't know. You mean they're not showing up to school or they're missing people? They have no record of them. They're not showing up to school and repeated contacts through the usual ways have gone unanswered. So they mean they don't know where the kid is. So it's like truancy. So I guess the superintendent then goes to the last known address. And in many cases, they're not at that address because maybe they can't afford their

apartment or house anymore. So now they've moved in with their grandmother or whatever it is. Oh, I see. And they have to track these kids out. Some have moved out of the county. Right. But a lot just stopped going to school. Yeah. You mean via Zoom? Yes. Or for those schools that were having in-person attendance, they stopped going in person. Wow. I guess the easy answer is watch goddamn 60 Minutes and you'll get your answers.

I do watch it every week, but I missed it last week. But the long haulers I had not heard of. These are people who had corona the first round and now a half a year later, they are worse. They don't have the high fever anymore, I guess, in most cases. And they don't have, generally speaking, they don't have the usual symptoms that first round. But they are either in a fog or they have incredible aches and pains. And they're called long haulers.

New York City has set up a clinic with top scientists and doctors to try to deal with it, and they are at a loss. Wow. Yep. So in other words, they're not re-catching it. These are ancillary symptoms. Lingering. Wow. No, no, really depressing. No, I've heard that there's neurological effects long term and also respiratory effects long term. And heart. And depression. Depression. A lot of them are getting. Yeah. And, you know, they were wondering why I was killing more guys in the beginning. And one of the theories was heart disease. If you are predisposed with a heart with heart disease or that that you are predisposed with heart disease or that you are very susceptible, which I think

explains I'm not saying women don't get heart disease, but I think more men struggle with heart disease than women. And so anyway, that could be one of the explanations. Good news for you as a single man, less competition coming up. Yeah, although I got to watch my ticker, I think. I think we're both on early notice about that. My dad died of a heart attack

at 52. I'm now 54, so fucking take that, Bob Fitzsimmons. I think he was 53. 53. Alright. Anyway, LA is um or no i think it was 53 53 um all right so yeah so anyway um la is shut down and uh i got tested on thanksgiving morning and i was online and then one of my son's friends was online ahead

of me and we started talking and it's awkward when you see somebody online because you kind of feel dirty you know like there you ever see a line of people in front of urgent care and you kind of feel dirty, you know, like there, you ever see a line of people in front of urgent care and you kind of go like, look at those dirty, irresponsible people. But actually it's just the opposite. You're the, you are responsible. Yeah. I still would have gone with like, Oh no, no, I'm here for chlamydia, which is so treatable and gone within days. I stopped by because my t-cell count is a little low what are you here for now where did you go urgent care urgent care on lincoln my my health insurance covers 100 of the instant test where you wait 10 minutes it's great so i went on wednesday

because i have this head cold you have a little one one also? A little bit. So I didn't want my family freaking out. So I went, I scheduled a test and they said they'd get it back to me the next day, which they did at 10 PM. But anyway, I went and on the way to get the one, the county one, the free one, which is at the VA parking lot there, the veterans place. I went by urgent care in Santa Monica. The line was, and the urgent care is one room. The line was two blocks long. No shit. When did you go to urgent care in Venice? I went on Wednesday and the line was around the corner. So I went back Thursday morning early, Thanksgiving morning early. I got there at like 8 a.m.

They were open on Thanksgiving? Up until 1 o'clock, yeah. Wow, smart move. Urgent Care is making so much money. They all have lines around the corner. They're charging $125 a pop. It takes them about 15 minutes. So they are three or four doctors.

They're cranking out 16 people an hour at 125 bucks. By the way, they are charging way more than that because have you seen the bill? And listeners aren't interested in this, but I guess we'll make it short. I went to urgent care, brought the two kids, 125 each, that's 250. Then, and you don't do anything. They send it to insurance, right? Insurance covers it, but you have to see two doctors. So now I think the bill was a thousand or 1100 to get the two, to get the two kids because each of them, there was a $200 doctor visit. So that's 400. And then there was a hundred and like $75, the person that administered the test or whatever it is. No, no, not there was an intake. And then the doctor $175, the person that administered the test or whatever.

No, no, not. There was an intake and then the doctor came. That's what it was. There was an intake doctor and then the other doctor came. And so maybe they're milking it a little bit. Why didn't you just go to urgent care? No, this is urgent care. Wait till you see your bill.

You don't pay, but they hit your insurance up hard. Oh, shit. Wow. Damn, but they hit your insurance up hard. Oh, shit. Wow. Damn, they're making money. Holy shit. For instance, how many human beings? We saw three human beings. How many did you see in urgent care?

Not including reception. That's four human beings. Just one. What do you mean just one? Oh, no. One came in and took the information from me, and then the other one. No, no, because I go to the same urgent care all the time, so all she did was take my temperature.

And then the doctor came in and took the test. Okay, so maybe the first time you had an intake. Yeah. Anyway. All right, so listen. Let's get to some international news. loose. This is fucking crazy. In Belgium, a two-year-old Belgian racing pigeon named New Kim set a world record of $1.9 million at an auction. What? Yeah. Oh, wait.

Hold on. First of all, none of my jokes work. I thought this was about a racist pigeon. Go ahead. Keep going. I have nothing then. Go ahead. So it's a female.

Usually a male is worth more than a female because it can produce more offspring. New Kim is two years old and only raced in 2018, earning the title of best young bird in Belgium and prompting an early retirement. What's a retirement like for a pigeon? Do they go to the park and feed the humans? Well, I'll tell you what this that's a good one. I'll tell you what this retirement's going to be. And this isn't a joke because it's not racist. But this pigeon is going to be pregnant the rest of its life.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. That pigeon's getting fucked. Yeah. Sorry. I mean, they're right. Like, it's normally the studs. Yeah. This is just like racehorses. fucked. Yeah. Sorry, Mom. I mean, they're right. Like, it's normally the studs.

Yeah. If this is just like racehorses. Right, right. It's just so funny because when I think of pigeons, I just think of like, they're rats with wings in New York. They're disgusting. I told you, right? So when I moved into my tenement, which is down in Soho, but it was a five-floor walk-up. So like your building, which was a few blocks away,

there was a great name that I forget where I read it, but they called it that a lot of these buildings, which were rent controlled. And for good reason, I was the bad reason because I got a rent controlled apartment. But it was filled with all these what they call them good fellas widows. So it was all these organized kind of crime, but low, low end guys. It was their widows after they had passed away. So my building in particular was full of old Italian woman and old Portuguese for some reason. But anyway, when I moved in, my neighbor below me, I guess, heard me moving in. And so I'm in there, knock on the door.

I go over and she introduces herself and this is a little cute old, you know, blue haired woman. And she's Margie and Margie, like, you know, she's like, ask me, you know, you're moving in, ask me all these questions. And then she's like, well, listen here, I want to give you this. These are little bread balls. And I'm like, oh, that's so sweet. And I went, she's like, no, no, no, don't eat them. They're, they're packed with poison. And I'm like, oh, that's so sweet. And I went, no, no, no, don't eat them. They're packed with poison. And I'm like, sorry? She's like, yes, I wad them up and I put poison in them. Now I want you to put them out on your window sills. That's how we kill all the pigeons. And you got to explain also, you were on an air shaft.

So, yes. The windows were all facing an internal like. Like most tenements. It's like a fucking giant chimney. Like most tenements. Yeah. So I was lucky. I also had really sunny windows in front.

But it was a railroad apartment, which means it's really long hallway that goes through rooms on your way like to the bathroom on the far end. And there was an air shaft, and some apartments only had the air shaft, which is a bunch of apartments look into a center like a donut. It's not a courtyard. It's not big enough to be a courtyard. Oh, no. It's about 10 feet by 10 feet. Yeah. No, mine was like six feet across. You could touch the other apartment with a broomstick and about probably 20 feet long or maybe 15 feet long. And so all the pigeons would roost in there

and would make noise and were really loud. So it was a real effort to kill them. Didn't you have an air gun to shoot them? I did. I had, I brought my BB gun in and I would shoot them, but that would just get them. It was almost like they were vindictive. I'd find more shit on my, um, on my windowsill after I would do that. Also shooting into a little air shaft, you really have to hit that bird. Otherwise it's almost a guaranteed broken window with the bouncing of a BB flying around. Did I tell you that we had an air gun and my nephew, the guy who was almost a Navy SEAL, was over and we pulled out the air gun and we started throwing cans in the air and shooting

the can. And I got a text from my next door neighbor. I shot out the window of her son. I was so fucking embarrassed. So I had to buy them a new window and then I gave them the air gun. I was like, here, let your boys use it because they got a house up in Ojai. I could go up to the country and use this.

We can't have it in the house. Yeah. So good for you. When an eye comes out, there's a nice paper trail following it right back to you. Fucking believable. So embarrassing.

Margie would also, I didn't know this, upon first meeting her, she really was quite she watched very closely, kept an ear on any noise in my apartment and what she would do, including in the bedroom,

in the middle of anything that would make noise, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, which was her broomstick banging on her ceiling. No. Yes. And I think she, because I lived there with my girlfriend for a while, I think she would wait up until she heard noise so she could do it.

No shit. Because there were times when nothing, no hanky-panky was going on, and we were just like in bed and whatever, reading, laughing, whatever it was, and boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Wow. Yeah. Did you just say hanky-panky? I'm trying to keep it clean because your mom's listening.

All right. Hey, Jill. clean because your mom's listening all right hey jill uh other international news other international news um we got a in taiwan lawmakers threw pig intestines and punches at each other as a brawl broke out in parliament over a proposal to ease restrictions on port pork imports from the United States. The KMT party members threw pigskin and intestines at their fellow lawmakers. And it was about allowing US imports of pork containing ractopamine, an animal feed additive that is banned in a number of countries, including China and the European Union. We are a fucking embarrassment.

You know, Taiwan, which is this filthy country, won't allow our meat in. I don't think it is. I don't think it is. I'm just assuming. Wow. They threw the pig skin, though. Maybe they'll get drafted in the NFL. There is a ton of pork in Asian food.

That is a fact. Yeah. So I think they need it. But do we not allow this additive in the United States? I'll tell you what we need to allow is fucking senators throwing pig guts at each other on the Senate floor. That would make C-SPAN a little bit more interesting. I like that idea a lot. I mean, you look at, like, British Parliament,

the way those guys yell at each other and heckle each other, it's hilarious. Our guys are lame. It wouldn't have the same effect. It's now dawning on me, but you're in Asia throwing swine innards around. I don't, this sounds like the beginning of a new pandemic. Yeah, right.

Exactly. It's time, Mike. Bring us to Florida, man. I love it. Oh, me? Yeah. Well, this is from your friend. I know.

We didn't know that. Shimmy. So anyway, we get an email. Is this even the right email address for Gibbons? Earthlink? That was in my phone from the old days. Earthlink really backfired for me, by the way. Earthlink, I thought, was going to be a

sign of an early Apple adopter. I was one of the earliest Apple adopters, and the only email that worked with Apple in those days was Earthlink. So I thought that would be a sign of... Whatever, backfired. Kind of like my diatribe there. Anyway, Omaha man, possibly a new segment on your podcast. Maybe a different city each week. I like that thinking. That's good. Authorities arrested a 23-year-old man in an attack at a Nebraska fast food restaurant

in which two employees were shot and killed. Two were wounded and officers responding to a report of a possible bomb inside a moving truck in the parking lot arrived to find the vehicle on fire. Robert Carlos Silver Jr. of Omaha was booked into Sarpy County Jail early Sunday on suspicion of first-degree murder and first first degree arson in Saturday night's attack at a Sonic drive-in restaurant in Bellevue. Boy, he didn't cut down the story. Is there anything more here? Well, the thing is he was arrested outside the restaurant a week before because he used somebody else's Sonic app account to buy $57 worth of hamburgers

and corn dogs. And so I guess he got arrested for that. And when he got out of jail, he came back to the Sonic and went fucking crazy and started killing people. But when they arrested him the first time, he had firearms. He had three firearms on him. him the first time he had firearms. He had three firearms on him. So he must have gotten some more. Omaha acting very Florida. This is true. And this is so from Michael Shimkin, a dear old friend of mine in New York City. And you remember Shimkin? Of course. Yeah. And awesome guy with Paul and Chris and the Joe and the gang in New York. The MTV guys. Yeah, yeah. It was back when I was working there.

And Paul and Chris were in the same thing in production. And Shimkin was in front of the camera. I think he still is trying to act and doing parts and stuff. But anyway, this is very cool. And they listen. Who knew? Maybe they think you're dirty, too. The other story we got for Florida is, of course, a bunch of people emailed in that there was a guy in Florida who and the video went viral.

He jumped into the water and carried an alligator out that had his dog in its jaws. It was a little like puppy. And not a young guy. Not a young guy. No. And he pried the alligator's jaws apart and saved the dog who was like yelping and screaming. It was fucking, it made me feel like a little woman. This guy was so tough.

And the thing is, the alligator was underwater. He went down and got him. Yes. Still. Would you do that? Still, of course I would. Still, the heartwarming Florida story

involves basically a swamp and a guy dragging an alligator out who's trying to eat his dog. Right, right. No, you, well, if it was brulee, I think you'd maybe look the other way. I would throw brulee to the alligator. Brulee bit Aaron, bit my mother's ankle.

What? Oh, no, it didn't bite my, it bit Jojo's ankle. We bought a fucking muzzle for him i've got a little shih tzu that wears a muzzle now little shit he trembles violently he looks like katherine hepburn and so we try to put this little coat on him and when i put the coat on he bites you but then he stands there shivering it's like what do you and then he goes outside and pisses on the coat. Um, yeah, it's bad. The dogs, the dogs have to go there. They're, they're, they're so fucking old,

but they won't die. It's driving me crazy. You're talking about your dog. Like it knows what a coat does. Yeah. You think a dog knows like, Oh, that what that thing does is that's going to insulate my warmth to, and it won't let it escape, and I'll be warmer. Wouldn't you get it, though, after you wore it once? Wouldn't you understand that that equals happiness and warmth? Maybe. I guess if it's a smart dog. All right, so hold on a second.

It bit Erin? Yeah, she was putting the muzzle on. Well, she was trying to take the coat off. The amazing thing is JoJo's like the dog's whisperer. She can do anything. She bathes him. She puts the coat on and off, and he doesn't growl at her. She's really good with animals.

Has anyone ever sent the message that you're not the alpha dog? Yeah. That was discussed at the table the other day. And my kids both said that Aaron is the, that I'm an alpha, but in the house, Aaron is the alpha. She's the one that decides things. Okay. Here's where we lose a lot of listeners. But no, what I'm saying is where you grab its head and,

and, and pin it to the ground on its side oh no i used to do that all the time he never let up he growled in a fucking the most violent scary way no matter how long i held his head down and i started to feel like i was abusing him and you know somebody told me you got that's how you establish alpha status. Not with this dog. He's fucking nuts. So now, is it permanent muzzle? No, not permanent. Anything like taking the coat on and off, giving him a bath, anything that requires any cooperation on his part. But might he be like an old person now who's maybe more snappy and cantankerous?

In other words, and it could be losing mental faculties. Oh, completely. And I think that maybe somebody said that there's dog CBD oil that's really good. It calms them down. So I'm going to look for that. Absolutely. And you should call my sister because I know there are dogs on a bunch of meds, too, for other reasons. It's not aggressive, but. Right. No, no. Of course. No. Every so many people's dogs are high in Los Angeles.

Yeah, definitely. All right. What do we got? We got entertainment. Talk to me. Entertainment people, Cher helps rescue the world's loneliest elephant from a zoo in Pakistan. Can't make this up. Iconic singer and actress Cher is in Pakistan to celebrate the rescue of Kavan, dubbed the world's loneliest elephant. Kavan is leaving a Pakistani zoo for a sanctuary in Cambodia on Sunday. The animal has languished in the zoo for 35 years, most of those years in chains, and lost his partner in 2012. She died, which is interesting. For partner, I was expecting, for a couple of reasons, I was expecting this to be a gay elephant. First of all, because it's a Cher story.

Secondly, because they said he lost his partner. But the partner, she died after an infection turned gangrenous. It's gangrenous. And her body lay beside Kavan for several days before being removed. That's sad as hell. before being removed. That's sad as hell. Kavan was heartbroken after his partner died. Well, I'm sure Cher can relate to being stuck next to a dead partner after spending years performing with Sonny Bono. Maybe Kavan will run right into a tree and kill himself.

He was so fucking bad. That was the craziest pairing. Sonny and Cher, where she is this quintessential performer. She has the most beautiful voice, style, beauty. She's tall, and she's next to this guy who has a fucking horrible voice and looks like a gnome next to her. He was a mover and shaker, though, I have to say. Oh, yeah.

He was like, he latched onto her and turned her into a star and then performed a lot. It was totally in the Hollywood circles, getting things done, actually. We just got a text coming in from Chris Denman. We just got a text coming in from Chris Denman. He said, Democrats are eating children and drinking their blood to stay young. Oh, no, no. That went to somebody else. That was the other one. When Sharon Sonny first met in 1963, she was 16 while he was 27 and married.

Nice. Interesting. He was separated. That little footnotenote to be fair but um then he goes on to be become the mayor of palm springs remember that yeah yeah now i think he i don't know if he wrote the songs but he definitely produced the two of them yeah and um i think yeah there's there's there's interesting movies uh music stories involving him that are actually impressive. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I don't have them at my fingertips. But I didn't know we were going full Sonny Bono today. So for next week, or send in. Send in what you know about Sonny Bono. Yeah. But, you know, he was one of the first, like, I mean, I guess Ronald Reagan is the best example. But, like, but Ronald Reagan was governor of the first, like, I mean, I guess Ronald Reagan is the best example, but like, but Ronald Reagan was governor of California, but of one of these celebrities that then becomes, that gets elected.

Yeah. And I think was also a Republican. I think you have to be in Palm Springs. Yep. Let's talk about The Crown. I've been watching The Crown, the new season, season four. I'm probably five or six episodes in. And I don't know why, because I fucking hate the British,

and then the royal family I hate even more. And yet it draws me in. Oh, my God. The story of Lady Di, who is this sweet, young, beautiful woman who thought she found a prince that swept her away. And it turns out he's from the wedding day on, he's cheating on her with what's her name? Who was Prince Charles with? Camilla.

Camilla Harris. Not Camilla Parker. Camilla. Yeah, it's Camilla Bowles. It's Camilla, not Camilla. Camilla Harris. Camilla Parker Bowles. But wait a minute.

See, I haven't gotten there. I'm still in season two. But what do you think this is like for the kids to be watching? Her kids? Oh, no, there's a lot of there's a lot of blowback from the royal family and from people in England in general. They didn't want to see the Lady Di thing rehashed. It's so painful for them. I mean, it is true. It is the most tragic thing because she was brought into this castle. They brought her into what's the castle that the queen lives in? Windsor. Yeah, Windsor. I think so. Windsor Palace. And they just leave her alone. And then the prince immediately embarks on a six-week trip, like the day after their wedding.

And she's left alone in this castle. And she's being given training from the queen mother, the queen mother's sister maybe, about how to behave. And she's just crying and she becomes bulimic. It's so fucking sad. And she's just crying and she becomes bulimic. It's so fucking sad. Yeah, I kind of know nothing about the royal family. So I'm learning a lot watching The Crown.

But yeah, I don't know where they live. But you were referring to Buckingham Palace maybe? But that's where the queen lived. That's where it was. No, but that's where the queen lived. Yeah, but I think she moved in with the queen. Because they knew that she didn't know how to behave in public so they kind of hit her away until they could train her like she didn't curtsy to the right people the right like some people you curtsy to

some of them curtsy to you and you're supposed to learn all that you got to learn how to put your hand up and do that little turn back and forth she only cur curtsied to Elton John? Yeah. I mean, look, the Moreau family needs to bring in a die once in a while because all they do is fuck each other's relatives and they got those eyes that are getting closer together and the giant

foreheads. She wasn't a commoner, though. Wasn't she a princess? Yes, she was, but she wasn't a product of incest by some miracle. Well, I'm wondering if the show is doing this. Having seen, you know, season one and now I'm in season two. Is there any argument to be made for Queen the Queen's point of view, which is. You don't think this takes more sacrifice than you're doing, and you want to talk about sacrifice, you wouldn't believe what I've had to sacrifice.

Right. I mean, maybe that's one of the angles. Oh, no, that's totally the angle. That's Queen Elizabeth's whole MO is you don't weigh in on things. We're here as a representation. We're here for something that the British Empire can believe in and aspire to. And we're not here to be politicians. And we're here to, you know, keep the family lineage pure.

It's crazy. So you know that story. I moved to Los Angeles the weekend of her funeral. It was Labor Day, 97. And anyway, it's a long story about me. I was in LA, but I'll cut to the part with her funeral. I had gone unbelievably high and I didn't know it. I ate edibles at a party because I was hungry and there was a plate of cookies.

And this is 1997. I had, I was fresh off the boat from New York. I had no idea. So there were brownies and cookies. I ate a brownie. My sister at the party goes, um, Oh, don't do that. Those brownies are loaded. And of course no one had anything to, so I'm like, okay. So I went back to the kitchen. I'm like, note taken, don't eat brownies. So I scarfed like two more cookies and then I leave the party. Anyway, I had, I went to Barney's Beanery. I then drove home. I was so freaking out. I had a pullover. I got lost. I couldn't find my sister's house. I'm on foot now because I was convinced if a cop pulled me over, I couldn't handle it. I was, I was like tripping. I walk

around my sister's neighborhood till like four in the morning. I finally, I'm, and I'm, I'm living in their house. Cause I just moved there two days earlier and they're asleep in their room. Meanwhile, I had been kind of shitting on lady die. Cause I'm anti-royalty. I didn't get it. It's such like a lifetime movie to me. And I just wasn't on board. So I had been making fun of her all week. And, and Laura's like, I am so into it. I've, I'm going to record the, you know, the funeral and wop, wop, wop, wop. So I come home at like four 30 in the morning. I lay down for half a second to try to go to sleep. The room starts going crazy. I'm like, that's not happening. And then I'm like, I am losing. I'm so paranoid. I'm like, I got to find like Gilligan's

Island or some piece of shit to watch to comfort me on TV. I turn on the TV and all I hear is and I see horses. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I have now found the live broadcast of her funeral in London. Yeah. At 5 a.m. L.A. time. I start watching it. Laura comes out and says she was woken up because my sobbing got so loud. My face was wet.

I was crying so hard. But what got me was how it was silent. Yeah. The procession of a horse-drawn carriage with her body and British people audibly sobbing as they're throwing roses out to the casket as it's going through the streets of London. There was 700,000 people in London watching that funeral procession. And guess how many people were watching on TV? I can't even imagine. 300 million people watched it on TV. So Laura came out, told me where the box of tissues was, and we watched it together.

And here I was. She's like, what happened to you? Like, it's the longest story. Aaron woke up for that. I think it was even earlier because we were in New York. And I remember her setting the alarm to get up and watch it. And she sat there and cried. We were only a year into the relationship.

And I was like, who is this fucking lunatic? Irish people that care about the royal family is just such an admission of how subjugated we were and how we were so brainwashed that we actually cared about this family that did nothing but oppress the Irish and look down on us. We were animals to them. And yet guys like you sit there and cry during the fucking procession of their dead princess. Okay, hold on. A couple of things. One, she's almost an anti-royal figure.

Yeah. Wouldn't you say? No, she was a victim of the royal family. Right. So maybe in a way it makes a little sense there. But also just to speak to my state of mind, here's who you were dealing with and why I might've been crying in Barney's Beanery. So I leave this party and I don't feel

high at all because I just eaten all this stuff. I go to Barney's Beanery and meet some friends and I'm all like, you know, I'm back in that age. Like you see all of them now. I was a hipster and I was probably around 30. So I think it's really campy and cool to order shitty beer, so I order a Schlitz. Nice. They actually have Schlitz beer in a can, Barney's Beanery. I order a Schlitz beer. Then, second round, I'm like, what other crappy beer?

And she has Schaefer. Schaefer was the winner's circle, I think, and Schaefer's ad slogan, I think we've talked about this before, was... Schaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one. Which is brilliant. It's like, listen, if you're having one or if you're at dinner, we're not the one to go. Like, don't. But if you're going to get hammered and you also want this to be cost effective,

where the beer to have. So, right. It's like having a three way. It's never going to be with two hot chicks. So I, so I have a Schlitz and a Schaefer and I start feeling fucked up. So screwed up that I stopped hearing what the group of people I'm with is.

And I start thinking, holy crap, like I just stumbled upon something. If you combine Schlitz in a can and Schaefer in a can, it fucks you up. And I'm like, how do I get this word out there? Like computers were really new. There was no Facebook. There wasn't even MySpace. I'm like, I got to, I got to spread the word and somehow get credit for this discovery. I'm then waiting outside for valet and I am now feeling so messed up.

I'm like, I'm feeling guilty. And I'm like, but I can't get a DUI. I've only had one Schlitz and one Schaefer. So I think I'm fine. But the cops don't know how much that fucks you up. So that's where my head was at. Oh, my God. All right, listen.

We got to keep moving here. We're getting into a lot of deep stories. Sports, baby! Tampa Bay, our running bet. If you're new to the show, Mike and I made a bet at the beginning of the football season. I would have Tampa Bay with points every week, 50 bucks a game. After this past week, where Tampa Bay lost to the Rams by three,

we are dead even after, what is it, nine weeks, ten weeks? Dead even. We missed week one, so we started week two. I don't know. So what week is it? I don't even know. I think it's week nine. We're not great with details.

Go by the Jets' schedule. I think they're 0-9. No, I think they're 0-10 maybe. 0-10, yeah. So anyway, yeah, I think after eight or nine weeks, we are dead even. And what a fucking game, man. The Rams, it's just a— It would have to be an even number.

Probably eight weeks. Yeah, I mean, it was a battle of great quarterbacks with the Rams in Tampa. This week, they're playing the Chiefs, who I think are ranked number two in the league. And they're playing in Tampa. And for the first time since this bet started, I'm getting points. I get three points. We'll see what it is at game time, but sounds good to me. Sounds good to me.

What else is going on in sports? Oh, our listeners already know the result probably. But as we sit here, it's the the afternoon before the Tyson Jones Jr. fight, Roy Jones Jr. And the weigh in, I guess, was yesterday. And Mike Tyson outweighed Roy Jones Jr. by over 10 pounds. And they're saying this is how pathetic the state of boxing is, that this is the bout that people want to see. It's been called an exhibition,

but both boxers have promised that it will be violent. Really? I don't know. So who do you think? You know, Roy Jones Jr., Back when I was working at HBO, they would, they'd air so many of his fights and his pay-per-views and he was, uh, considered, I believe, if I recall the phrase, the best pound for pound fighter in the world,

who is Roy Jones jr. And he would switch weight classes. All right. Why don't you take, why don't we do 50 bucks on this? I'll take Tyson. No, I'm not. I know nothing about it. Neither do I. I know nothing. I just know that Tyson's a fuck. I've been watching Tyson's training online. There's a lot of viral clips of him sparring and he's fucking ballistic. He's training as hard as when he was 19 years old. He looks fantastic. I think he's going to take the fight. Okay, I'll take Roy Jones Jr.

All right, 50 bucks on that. Yeah, I think Roy Jones Jr. is obviously the technique, the better fighter. He's a better boxer. I mean, listen, don't get me wrong. Tyson wasn't just a slugger. He studied all the tapes. He was actually very disciplined in that way and a great boxer.

But I think Roy Jones Jr. And as Tyson said himself, man, he lost that eye of the tiger. He admitted it. That's when he retired. Right. But he might have gotten it back. I think he's got a different mindset about boxing now. I don't think he's doing it because he has to.

I think he's doing it because he wants to. I'm shocked Tyson didn't buy that pigeon. You know, he was very into pigeons. That's right. That's right. What else? Another sports story is Maradona. Diego Maradona, beloved soccer player from Argentina, died. And the three funeral workers, three funeral workers where he was laying in rest, have been fired for posing for photos alongside his body shortly before the funeral. The images distributed across social media created outrage, even death threats across a nation that venerated Maradona, who died. He died Wednesday of a heart

attack at the age of 60. Tens of thousands lined up for a chance to file past his body at the nation's presidential palace on Thursday. I plan to get high and watch that footage and cry my eyes out. But aren't 10,000 people going to pose for pictures with him as they walk by? I guarantee at least a thousand of those 10 are going to take a selfie with him. Yeah, I don't know what, I'm kind of thinking what's so bad about it, but I guess they were laughing. I think they were laughing because they were doing it. Like, this is crazy. Right. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to, I was in Cape Cod and I was doing one of those, you know, I worked with the best buddies and we had a, we had a bicycle fundraiser where we rode from Boston all the way to Cape Cod.

Whoa. Yeah. And so we get in, and the reception for the VIPs was at, you're not going to believe this shit, at the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. And I literally got a tour from the woman who is the housekeeper. I was introduced to not Rose Kennedy. Who's the who's the is it Rose that's still alive? I by the way, speaking of speaking of royal families, I don't follow the Kennedys. Anyway, so I get taken into the house and I get a tour and I'm with Martha, you know, Martha and Greg.

Oh yeah. And, uh, and so we go into the house and we see the screening room. Uh, the Kennedy's Joe Kennedy, as you know, was like a big film file.

He ended up being a movie producer. I think he slept with a lot of actresses and he had a screening room that was like the first private screening room in America. And the film was so flammable that the the film operators room, whatever it's called. Yeah. Projection booth. The projection booth was fireproofed and and it locked so that if if if you were in there and it caught on fire, you were fucking dead. If you were in there and it caught on fire, you were fucking dead. And so anyway, so we go upstairs and they show us John F. Kennedy Jr.'s bedroom in the Kennedy compound. And it's like exactly left as it was.

It's got an old single bed. It's got a photo of the Pope framed up on the wall. You got a view. You got a view of the ocean. got a photo of the pope framed up on the wall you got a view you got a view of the ocean and she leaves the room and fucking martha gets on the bed and takes a picture i was fucking screaming at her get off that goddamn bed i couldn't believe it so religious at least stop pumping the pillow exactly um and i wouldn't do it she wanted me Exactly. And I wouldn't do it. She wanted me to do it. I wouldn't do it.

Yeah, and then we played football. I played football on the lawn with a bunch of Kennedy nieces and nephews. That's their thing. It was unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yeah. Very cool. All right, so let's get to some science.

Science. All right, so let's get to some science. She blinded me with science. Go for it. This one's about loneliness. A hungry brain craves food. A lonely brain craves people. After spending a day completely isolated from anyone else,

people's brains perked up at the sight of social gatherings like a hungry person's brain seeing food. Participants fast for 10 hours. At the end of the day, certain nerve cells in the midbrain fired up in response to pictures of pizza and chocolate cake. Those neurons produced dopamine. And on a different day, the same people underwent 10 hours of isolation. No friends, no Facebook, no Instagram. That evening, neurons in the same spot activated in response to pictures of people chatting or playing team sports. Huh. And I immediately thought of our friend Dennis Gubbins, who lives alone, has no girlfriend.

And I and I think if he sees a golf club, he gets dopamine. He is like so fucking social. He biked to my house on Thanksgiving night just to walk in for 10 minutes and say hi to everybody. He has a lovely dog. Oh, my God, that thing is a beast. It really is. That's the most solid golden retriever. Huge. Yeah, it really is.

But isn't that weird? I mean, I get it, but as we're going into the pandemic again, I can remember when things settled down and we were able to like start going to the paddle tennis court, hanging out. I remember cherishing that feeling and we're about to go through it again. But are you saying that Dennis craves people more than food? He loves when people bring food to his house. Then he not only dopamine, he gets an erection. He loves when people bring food to his house. Then he not only dopamine, he gets an erection. His dopamine is in his penis.

Yeah. Yeah. All the neurons fire down there. Yeah. Yes. He is incredible. He's the mayor of Venice. Are you kidding me? Mayor of Venice.

He drives around in an old rusty beach cruiser with his dog on a leash running next to him. You play paddle tennis with him. He knows every fucking player on the paddle tennis court. Oh, it's like a Dennis parade. You stop into a coffee shop to get coffee. He knows the woman's name. Hits on her. She shuts him down.

He moves on. No, women constantly walking by the paddle tennis court like, Dennis! Yep. Yep. My friend has a crush on him, and she baked a pie and brought it to him on Thanksgiving Day. I'll tell you after the show. Ladies, go to Instagram. I think it might be DGubbs or something,

but his name is Dennis Gubbins, G-U-B-B-I-N-S. And he is... Scarily close to my name, but go there. And, uh... He is handsome,, single and ready to mingle. And the nicest guy. Yeah. Business. Oh, boy.

All right. Pfizer books a United books, many actually United charter flights to position its COVID-19 vaccine. On Friday, United Airlines began flying charter flights between Brussels International Airport and O'Hare in Chicago to move doses of the vaccine. So it's where it has to be when Pfizer has given the okay to begin vaccinating people. The FAA approved the airline to carry five times the normal amount of dry ice per flight. The 15,000 pounds of dry ice will be packed in Pfizer-developed boxes about the size of a suitcase that will keep the vaccine doses cold. Of course, it's United Airlines, so they're going to lose half the suitcases. They're not valuable.

Listen, just send us your address. If you have the virus, we're going to get it to you. It's going to go out on one of the later flights. Just hang in there. Hang in there. We're doing our best. Here's a $15 gift certificate for P.F. Chang's while we... What if that

fucking plane crashes? That is going to be the sweetest cloud going up into the air. Imagine that much dry ice exploding in a plane. Oh, no. If it goes down in the ocean or a lake, please get footage of that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know. That's crazy.

It's going to be like David Blaine's greatest magic trick. Yeah. Good for United. Well, they say a lot. This is going to be happening a lot in the coming weeks as they have to spread this virus around. Spread this virus. You have to spread this vaccine around the world. Is it time?

Like, how soon is it before we're actually vaccinating people? I'm sure the rich will get vaccinated already. I think Trump probably. But January, right? Or is it December? I mean, if it's going out now, I mean, Jesus, could be December. Yeah, that's true. Pretty soon it's going to be like you're going to you're going to be getting you're going to be getting your your covid shot while you get an abortion.

While all the poor people stay pregnant and sick. Are they going to make abortion illegal? Well, they can't make it. What do you mean? Well, I mean, Roe v. Wade is being contested in the Supreme Court. And now that we've got, what is the six to three? Well, no, but it'll go back to the states. Oh, is that how it works? I believe. I don't know what I'm talking about, but my understanding is the Supreme Court would then overhaul it or overturn it as a federal. Yeah.

As a federal issue and let the states decide. Okay. So our daughters may have to go to Nevada or Oregon or something. I'm pretty sure they'll be able to stay right here in California online behind Nevada girls. But in a weird way, the Supreme Court is kind of being pro-choice. They're like, hey, we're not saying to do it or not do it. You know, you're the state. You decide. Yeah. You have the choice. I think it's already close to illegal in certain states. I heard like in Mississippi, there's like one abortion clinic in the entire state? No, no. They put up many barriers of entry for sure.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about this day in history, Mike Gibbons. Ooh. Remember Natalie Wood? Sure do. Died today. Huh.

She was a star of Rebel Without a Cause, West Side Story, and she drowned in a boating accident near California's Catalina Island at 43. Boating accidents weird because I picture two boats colliding. Also, I would have never guessed it was this late a date to take a boat to Catalina. That's true. That's a little cold. And she the theory is she fell off the boat. All right. That's the accident. Well, she was married to Robert Wagner and. And I think she was with him.

No, she totally was with him on the boat. The boat, you know, was moored off Catalina. It was night. There had been a lot of drinking, supposedly, and she fell off in the middle of the night. Oh, and Christopher Walken was there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And Wagner and Walken saw what happened to Wood that night,

but it was believed she somehow slipped overboard while untying a dinghy attached to the boat. Her body was found in the early hours of the following morning. So, wow. Well, there's huge theories that she, Tom O'Neill knows a lot. Of course he does. Knows a lot of all the conspiracy theories about this. But there's a lot that, you know, a lot of all the conspiracy theories about this but there's a lot

that you know Wagner was maybe rough with her he was jealous of she and Christopher Walken but I don't think that's the leading story I think Tom has another one and I'm forgetting what that is I am calling Tom right now and we'll uh we'll find out but yeah you know what you know what I've never seen I've never seen? I've never seen Miracle on 34th Street, and she was the child in that movie. Tom, we're doing Sunday Papers. You're on the podcast right now.

Oh, boy. Oh. You mean I'm live? You're live, and we have a question for you. This is Tom O'Neill, author of Chaos, the— Charles Manson book. The CIA and the Secret History of the 60s. And, of course, Tom's book is selling extremely well.

Why is it selling so well, Tom? You know, I don't know. I think it's just a fluke. You never know what's going to contribute to good sales. Oh, no. Somebody got me on Rogan. Who the hell was that? Was that Gibbons? I might have dropped your name. Yeah. So anyway, Tom, he's not a conspiracy theorist. He's a real journalist.

He's both. We wanted to ask you about Natalie Wood, who this day in history died today. And Mike said you had some information about that. What's the real story? Robert Wagner is still alive, right? Yeah. So is Christopher Walken. Does anybody listen to this show beyond like your family and friends in Venice? My mother, as you know, my mother is listening. And my mother-in-law. I don't want to be taken to court for libel, but the rumor that I've heard, and it's a rumor only, is that Walken and Wagner, Robert Wagner was Natalie's husband off and on

they got married, divorced, married again and Christopher Walken were having a fight they drunk a lot in the boat and she walked in on it and they might have also been in a compromising position

and she ran horrified, tripped fell off the boat, hit her head on the dinghy on her way over the side of the boat and landed in the water. And they did nothing to retrieve her body. Why not? You got to ask them. Christopher Walken has never once spoken about this. Wagner maintains his innocence. Natalie Wood's sister, her only surviving sibling, Lana, is convinced that Robert Wagner

had something to do with her death. Because he caught her in Felicito with, what's the word? With Christopher Walken? If you didn't just screw it up, I would have had it, but now what you just tried to say mixed me up. Well, yeah, I was trying to just say they had a fight, but then I realized why it was back. The story I was making love.

Ironically, yeah. Those rumors have dogged robert wagner for years christopher walken i know uh not from personal experience but from a friend who lived next door to him for many years in new york in the 80s is bisexual so everything makes sense christopher walken's bisexual yeah i, I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah. Tell Tom that ironically. I've been in. I'm not sure. I know that the sheriff's department reopened the case, and to this day, they've never closed it, meaning I think they officially declared it suspicious circumstances.

All right. But all of this is allegedly, of course. Allegedly, yeah. yeah yeah i got no personal inside information sorry okay can greg can you hear me lots of that though yeah oh boy there we go all right all right tom thanks for the info have a a good one. All right. See you. So long. Tom was at my house for Thanksgiving, and he and my mom, usually, you know, the tradition for Thanksgiving, you're not here. You're always up in Ojai with your dad and your sister and everybody. Not this year.

But this year we broke our tradition. Usually we have a soccer game in the morning. We have literally, it's like 20 on 20. People bring black and white t-shirts and they split up. And then we play soccer for like three hours. And then everybody goes and eats dinner. And then we meet at the beach at like eight o'clock at night when it's dark. And about 50 of us go screaming into the ocean and it's freezing. And then we go back to the Dunsky's house where they have, and it's freezing. And then we go back to the Dunsky's house where they have, everybody brings a dessert.

They have a giant pot filled with spiked cider and they have a ping pong table and a hot tub and people hang out there until all hours of the night. So that did not happen this year. We've been doing that for like 15 years. Did not happen this year. So Tom was at my house getting drunk with my mom. What time did he and Mary leave?

Oh, late, late, too late. I can imagine. Yeah. My dumb joke was going to be, ironically, Walken and Wagner were docking as Natalie Wood drowned. You don't know what docking is. No. Let's move on.

Weren't there a million Natalie Wood jokes at one point? Like, what kind of wood doesn't float? Yes, there was. Exactly. Yeah. If you want to send us Natalie Wood jokes, we're open to them. No? No, no. Of course they can. All right. What do we got? I don't think we have time for Ask Amy. All right. Let's skip Ask Amy. And wow, we're already at an hour 35. Yeah, my voice is shot. All right, let's do a couple letters to the editor and then we'll get to the funnies. Let's see.

Augur Jacques says, long time listener. Oh, no, we got to save this one because it's you telling a long story. Phew. Let's do Brad Chetelon. I love the Sunday papers. Last week you were talking about the elites of St. Louis and their private schools. I grew up in the area, and there was also a thing called the Veiled Prophet. Each year, these rich guys get together and put their daughters up for a beauty contest.

It was televised late at night, and the emcee wore a veil over his face. Read about it on Wikipedia. And get this. In 1999, the veiled prophet queen of love and beauty was Ellie Kemper. Really? Yeah. Wow. And, yeah, Chris Denman, our producer, is in St. Louis.

I wonder if he ever met her or knows about sounds like some eyes wide shut crap right there. Yeah. Well, she's from the Queen of Love and Beauty to Kim Kimmy. What? No, she's from Kimmy Schmidt. Of course. Yeah. The office and unbreakable commission. I love her. There's something so fucking charming about her. Absolutely. Yeah. So did St. Louis when she was a teen. One more letter.

This one's from Tricia. Someone, and it might have been Greg, said that radio has a kind of intimacy. That's how I feel when I listen to the two of you. I feel like I really know you both. It makes your slightly off-color jokes work. When one of you makes a joke where Mike says, well, we just lost the Asian listeners with that one. I laugh even harder because I know that you're not racist. Really? Then she doesn't know us. Trisha has no goddamn idea who we are. Yeah. She's probably a dumb Polack.

You beat me to the joke. I was just about to say that. Anyway, thank you so much for the nice note. Quick obituary. David Dinkins, who was the mayor of New York City from seven. Where was it from? 75 to 85? No, that's when he was a clerk.

He was a clerk, borough president. He was mayor in 1989. And, yeah, maybe it was for 10 years. But anyway, you know, he gets a bad rap. People talk about him as being like one of the worst mayors in history in New York. But the truth is that Giuliani came after him and he actually lowered the crime rate quite a bit before Giuliani did. Giuliani does not like this discuss, but the crime rate for the first time in a long time in New York City

was already trending down under Dinkins. Right. Right. But people perceive them. It was a little bit of the Jimmy Carter thing. He was liberal and they perceived him as weak. And then, you know, dumbass Giuliani storms in and violates a lot of a lot of things in order to put a clamp down on crime.

And it had obviously a lot of positive benefits as well. But I hate Giuliani. But, you know, we got another letter saying that the Central Park Five happened under a different administration. I don't know if it was, but not Giuliani. But I don't know which one of us said that. But Giuliani was a, whatchamacallit, he might have been the attorney general in New York.

Anyway, he, though, really spoke a lot to that as that, what those kids did was what's wrong with New York City. What's wrong with New York City? And that was part of his platform is that people like that, he would absolutely lock up and, you know, try to lock him, lock him away for life or kill. Well, that's the one that Trump took out a full page in the New York Times calling for the death penalty for these five kids who turned out to be innocent. Totally. Yep. kids who turned out to be innocent totally yep um all right let's get to let's get to the funnies it's time everybody andy cap you know andy oh god so kind to his wife. All these comics, and that's kind of the theme today, is how they all cook and serve while getting insulted. I mean, I just can't imagine. When my wife makes dinner, all I do is give her accolades, thank her, do the dishes.

These fucking guys. Andy comes whistling home. He says, what's for supper, Flo? And then he sits down, picks up the knife and fork and waits. Doesn't see if he can help. Doesn't carry plates. She goes, I've got a treat for you, pet. It's one of my mommy's secret recipes. She puts it on the table, doesn't sit down and eat with him. She just serves him. He takes a bite and she says, what do you think? He goes, she should have kept it secret. One of those. Yeah. And she just stands defeated. Maybe they've edited these. There was probably one more frame where he shoves the fork

in her eye. Where he takes her face and rubs it around in the food. Or does the frying pan like from Tom and Jerry smash and in her face is the shape of a pan. Yeah. And the rolling pin. Yeah. So the body is is shimmering and shattered. Let's go to Hager the Horrible. Another great husband, his wife, Helga. She's all dressed up and she goes, Hager, we're going to the opera.

Where's something new? And then he pulls two earplugs out and goes, these earplugs are new. Oh, that was because he doesn't want to hear the opera. I was thinking it was because he didn't want to listen to Helga anymore. No. When he doesn't want to listen to women and he puts his earplugs in, that's usually when he's raping. It's so annoying when they scream.

Well, it's shrieking and there's so many of them and in different languages for this rapist Viking. Right. And the other men are stealing all of her money and they don't want to be distracted by her yells. You got to focus. Yeah. Lockhorns. These two. You got to focus. Yeah. Lockhorns. Oh, these two. I swear to God, I think the Lockhorns is one of the most underrated cartoons in history. It's so fucking funny because they just hate each other.

You really wonder why these two stay married. They should call cartoons, you're not allowed to get divorced in the 1950s. Because that's where I get most of these from. It's just this resolution that I'll stay with with you but i'm going to insult you i'm going to be fucking miserable also you're not allowed to press charges um in the first one uh leroy they're sitting in a din, and there's a dessert in front of Leroy, and he's got two spoons in his hand, and she says, when you ordered the dessert with two spoons, I just assumed.

That's good. Okay. And another one, Leroy has the toolbox out, and he's fixing something, and she says, Leroy has given it the old college try, taken six years to actually finish it. Nice. Yeah. It could have even worked with four years,

but they added a layer. Yeah. That's what comedy is. I like it. Yeah, it's good. You want to give us a little family circus? Oh, Lord. So yesterday was, you know, the holidays, Thanksgiving. And I I was like, I wonder what. It was Friday. So anyway, still, I was like, I wonder what this piece of crap did. So here's the little guy with his son and he's holding...

It's Billy, Mike. I won't. I won't do it. And he's yelling something and he's holding up a piece of paper that has scribbles all over it

and he's showing it and he has, you can see the pencil on his hand. And he then yells, one more guess, mommy, then if you're still wrong, I'll have to tell you what

it is. And what I feel is I wish he was holding up family circus and mom couldn't guess like I what the fuck is this thing you're holding up showing

me? Squiggly lines makes more sense. Billy, go outside and play baseball because you have no talent for drawing cartoons. I think Billy is a young Jeff Keen. He's depicting himself. I think that's what it is. This is autobiographical. Yeah.

Nobody gets the things I draw and they're worthless. Yeah. I guess I'll have to tell you what it is. Yeah. This is supposed to be funny. I get paid for this. You've got a second family circus this week. Well, this is today's, which is Saturday, but it's the dad reading to, I guess, this little Billy kid.

And he's holding it. It looks like a children's book. And Billy is saying to his father, Billy's sitting on his lap, and he turns from the book to his dad and goes, is it speed reading when you skip pages? So the dad obviously does not love billy at all and again it's one of these where the kids know these rather sophisticated phrases like speed reading right right and that's the comedy you're putting words into a kid's into a kid's mouth i don't even know if that's the comedy. You're putting words into a kid's into a kid's mouth.

I don't even know if that's a comedy. I think the comedy I think he skips that, which is a huge fault. And he's like, so he knows there's a working knowledge of speed reading. And then now he's saying the dad is obviously flipping pages because the dad doesn't want to read the story to the kid. I think that's what the comedy is. Yeah. And again, I think it's missing a frame. There's got to be another frame. Yeah. Where he goes, I don't know, Billy,

is it child abuse when I only hit you every other swing? Yeah. I don't know. I like that. Yeah. Also, the book's upside down. It's not even worth our time, but we'll do it again next week. We'll give them a shot. Yeah. I wish I could skip. I wish I could skip the page of the funnies that Family Circus is on.

Now, you can't. That's the thing about it is you're drawn to read it. It's almost like there's going to be a test on it. When you read the Sunday papers, you're just it's like looking at a car crash you have to see how bad it is uh speaking of bad this fucking dagwood um he's walking to the couch and he walks he's got this look on his face like like sleep He's addicted to sleep. Not spending time with his baby. He lays down on the couch and she screams, Dagwood. And he sits up. Oh, no, I just hit the sofa and she's got another chore lined up for me. So he runs down the hallway.

Dagwood, do you have a minute? And he goes, I got to think fast. Runs into the closet. Where are you, dear? She's calling for him. This hot, busty blonde who's 10 years younger than him. Where are you, dear? She's calling for him. This hot, busty blonde who's 10 years younger than him. Where are you, dear?

And he says, oh, man, she's closing in fast. He runs down another hallway. If I can just make it to Herb's, I'll be home free. Finally, she catches him. And she goes, there you are, honey. And she's carrying a plate of steaming hot brownies. Would you like some brownies hot out of the oven? Dagwood now comes into the house, picks up a fucking brownie,

and goes, how come you didn't tell me that's what you wanted in the first place? And she said, what's fun in that? Huh. Dagwood, she is a hot brownie. Is that what it takes for you to get interested in being in your own house? When this chick, she's wearing a lavender top, and it's insane how thin the waist can be that can hold up those breasts.

And she's offering you, it's got to be fucking brownies? You got a Saturday afternoon alone in the house there's no kids you're gonna go to herbs and take a nap he eats a brownie he has a can of schlitz he has a can of schaefer right then he realizes he's married to the biggest catch on planet earth finally yeah uh if what I would do to her, if I could be shrunk down and animated and stuck, I don't know if I would have sex

with her first or I would kill him first. That would be my biggest decision once I became animated. It's sort of like you're Jessica Rabbit, right? Oh, right. Right.

I forgot about that. Shrink you down, but it's the opposite. You're going into that world. Yep. Maybe he did. I can't remember the movie. A couple of people have animated me in strips with Blondie. I should put those on the website. By the way, we have a website, sundaypapers.net. I always forget to go there, but we do load stuff up there every week if you want to see what's going on.

We should put the Florida alligator dude in there. Oh, yeah. Right. For if you want to see what's going on. We should put the Florida alligator dude in there. Oh, yeah. Right. For those who want to see him. All right. Well, listen, Mike, we've done it again. And this was a lot of fun. Great way to spend a Sunday, as always, or a Saturday.

I felt a little lethargic. And, yeah, I told too many stories. But hopefully people enjoyed it. I know, listen, you're listening to this earliest on Sunday. And man, next week, because of all these gatherings, I think it's going to be a rough week. Yeah. Wait, which gatherings? Thanksgiving with all the travel and the gatherings and the people thinking that they're cool testing themselves. Right.

You know, five days after quarantining when, you know, you can get many false negatives that way. I mean, that's the biggest fear on how they think this is going to be spread. Right. And as it gets colder, more people are inside. So stay safe, people. Try to not don't have fatigue. Stay with it. Let's get rid of this fucking thing.

And and then we can all we can all have fun again. I'm not a scientist or a doctor or even smart, but I would put being outdoors. I'm a huge proponent of masks. I want to lead with that. Wear masks. Just wear them. It's not that big a deal. You get used to it.

But don't view them as like this foolproof shield. I actually believe outdoors of three things, outdoors, six feet, and masks. I actually believe outdoors is number one. Yeah. Six feet also comes ahead of mask. Yeah. But wear a mask in all in all scenarios. But but don't get close to people and don't go inside thinking a man with strangers thinking a mask is going to do everything. It won't. What about performing in a comedy club with 200 people with no masks, expelling laughter gases in your direction five times in a weekend? You only got five laughs?

Ah, hey now. You know, a listener wrote in and did a very cool math breakdown of the number of people in Tampa's County who actually are actively have the virus. And when he broke down the numbers and he did 150 people, which is half capacity of that club, he said it was like less than a 1% or less than one person would have it. But there's a, there's a little bit of faults there because. Yeah. I mean, even if say one person is in there, little bit of faults there because yeah i mean even if say one person is in there that's that's a spreader that that means that if he's people didn't wear masks if he's within uh and they say it's not six feet by the way it's more like it's more like 12 or 15 feet well time duration is

another factor and the show is lasting an hour and 40 minutes. No, it's bad. Look, I'm fucking broke. If I get gigs, I'm going to go and do them. I'm going to stay as safe as I can. And, you know, in a different world, I wouldn't. But this is what I do for a living. Right. I think you also skew. Your comedy skews, I would say, to people who are pro mask.

Probably. I think so. But not when you go to Tampa, Florida. They were yelling at me. I had a mask on. They were yelling. Take your mask off as I hit the stage. Really? Yeah. In an angry way. Like that's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. All right. All right, Mike. We'll see you next week. Thanks for listening. Thank you to Chris Denman, Beth Hoops and all the people at Midcoast Media that do a fine job producing the show. And we'll see you next week. Take it eesh. Take it Sunday paper, Greg and Mike. It's Sunday paper, Greg and Mike. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Greg and Mike.

It's Sunday paper.