Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 40 12/6/20

Episode Date: December 6, 2020

Patriots owner Robert Kraft is off scot-free but the masseuse owes $30k in fines to the court. He’s worth $6B. Adolph Hitler wins an election in Africa and Carole Baskin is this week’s “Florida Man”!

it's sunday papers it's sunday papers read all about it read all about it there he. We got stuff today about Florida, Pfizer, and feet. Hell yeah. Alliteration. All right. Wow. Well, you're cheering me up. It's a tough week out there.

It is a tough week out there. People are dropping like fucking flies, man. Oh, not yet. Well, you know, the death rate is up it's up you know it's above it's between two and three thousand people a day which if you think about it that's like 9-11 every day that's how many people died in 9-11 well i think about 9-11 every day because i've been told never to forget you don't think about them every day unless a lot of people die? I can't. I'm thinking about the Holocaust because I was told don't ever forget the Holocaust. As a matter of fact, I need to get a day planner so I can arrange times to think about both

Holocaust and 9-11 every day. Don't forget about December 7th, the day that will live in infamy. that will live in infamy? Which is tomorrow. Pearl Harbor. 1941. Yeah. So I think it's a date that'll live in infamy, maybe. I'm not sure.

Anyway, how are you, man? Can I just say, by the way, speaking of which, I just read this book, and it literally has changed my life. This has solved almost every emotional, cognitive problem. It's all in here. I can't believe how much this has affected me. Oh, it made your life better. I thought it made it worse. Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth. Incredible book. Wait a minute. Is this a sponsor? No, I just found it. Somebody's giving away books in the hallway. I just found it somebody's giving away books in the hallway I just picked it up a couple minutes ago but I am gonna read it I am gonna read it don't you hate when people are like that when

people really say that something changed their life I I read these books and then I swear to two weeks later I can't even tell you what was in it a year later I can't tell you if I read it oh well later we'll talk about I saw the Belushi documentary last night. I'm already like, what if he asked me this? I wouldn't have an, did they cover that? Like already forgetful. I watched it too late, but you know, any book with the, with the title, a new world, it can, it can sort of get scary. Like, like if that came out now, cause I don't think that book's new. If it came out now, it's like, yeah, it, it is a new world. I think we're, I think we're gonna be able to say that a lot in the coming years. I think a lot of the old rules are, are, are over, you know,

a lot of the things that these people that like Dale Carnegie, Carnegie or Carnegie. like Dale Carnegie. Carnegie or Carnegie? I've always heard Carnegie, and then doesn't NPR say Carnegie? Yeah, but they also say aluminum, and they start every sentence with the word so. I like starting sentences with so. So just let me get this off my chest.

So my dishwasher stopped working, and as you know, I'm renting this place. And so I've been dealing with a landlord to try to get someone on and on and on. The landlord writes me back and the landlord, and finally I'm just like, why, why, why does he still have this label landlord? How, how antiquated, how antiquatedated how antiquated is that and it immediately raises him up all these levels where it's like no your dishwasher broke get me a new fucking dishwasher um yeah you should be you should be called janitor handyman guy yeah i'm paying you of course course. Yeah, he's lord of the manor, I guess. Am I in a fiefdom I'm unaware of?

Right. Yeah. Right. Are there going to be feudal battles in the plaza, in the courtyard? Is he a knight? Is the owner of this condo like a knight or some nobleman? And am I ultimately a subject to the emperor? Yeah.

Can I get a parking pass for my horse? Ye landlords replacing ye dishwasher. Also, wouldn't a landlord assume a dishwasher is a human being that I'm using in my little fiefdom? That's right. That's right. And maybe you can pay the rent with a pig and a bale of tobacco. And maybe my wife on Thursdays.

My wife. It's so crazy. Landlord. Yeah. And you know what the weird thing is? Like whatever it was like 30 years ago, whenever this change happened, then a popular thing became a landlady. Yeah. Like in New York, maybe because the lord of the manor had died. A bunch of us, you know, we'd have a landlady.

And it's like, so you're going to update that part. But we're still going to go with lord when it's a dude? Yeah. And maybe lady means like, you know, back in the noble times, they were ladies. Yeah. She's the lady of the manor. And when they die, then you pay the rent to the land spawn. There you go.

Yeah. All right. So what's going on with your Apple? What are you so upset about? Oh, man. So this thing I'm on right now, I'm surprised it works is over five years old, this little Mac book air I have. So I went and bought a new Mac book also, whatever for editing, it'll help. You know, when we edit some promo

clips from this thing, anyway, the migration that I was supposed to do, if any, any geeks out there, you love correcting us on nitpicky stuff. I think what happened is I tried to like update a launch or whatever it is, my new MacBook from a backup. And I think the backup has an old operating system. That's the best I could tell, but I'm just going to bring it in Apple. This is the funny thing with Apple. I bring it in. You can't because of this virus, what go in Apple. And then i look for the nearest uh appointment at like the genius bar or whatever and it's two and a half weeks away and so so i went up there i i customer care goes listen just walk over to the third street walk to your local apple like we'll walk up in other words and so i walked up and i'm talking to the guy and finally i'm like i'm like

really you don't have any like standby lines. Clearly there's going to be cancellations. I guarantee some people on that list are going to die before two and a half weeks. And so anyway, we're talking there. And then finally, luckily I had the smart, I was like, this is a line for the genius bar. I go, when's the next appointment for me to buy a new computer? And he's like, oh, that's tomorrow. I'm like, all right. So this thing I'm holding, I'm going to return this because I can return it for no questions asked within 14 days. He's like, right. I'm like, oh, then I'm done. I'm returning this computer and you're going to, and I'm going to buy a new one at the same exact time. Right, right, right. That's F the genius bar. There you it. That's what I'm going to do. Yeah. Yeah, it's really amazing that any business would make you wait a day to buy something. Something's horribly wrong with your business model when you're making people leave without purchasing the thing they came for. Well, that's all of Los Angeles. You know, there's lines everywhere because they they can't do anything right. And it's like all the time I'm online looking around just like for someone like minded and like, are they afraid of money?

They haven't figured out like the assembly line approach to things, which is 150 year old concept. Yeah, right. I told you the first time I was in L.A., like first two weeks I was in LA, went down to the movies, uh, uh, sunset Plaza, the one on, uh, near Laurel Canyon where I live. Right.

And there's like, you know, seven registers at the concession stand. Right. And the woman's like, what do you want? Popcorn, a diet Coke,

maybe some milk duds or whatever. She's like, okay. And then she leaves the, the register and gets on the popcorn line behind five other people from registers. We're all online. We're like six, seven feet deep times like seven. So there's 50 people online. And it's like, did you, did you guys not know what time the movie starting in four minutes? You know what time the movie starts? No. And I couldn't help myself. I get to the front. I'm like,

Hey, listen, I know you didn't ask. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to close down two registers. One of you is going to shovel corn. That's all you do. That's all you do is you shovel the fucking popcorn and there's bags sitting there. And then one of you is just fucking filling Cokes. That's all they're doing. And then you, then you're like the four people left on registers, like two Cokes, two popcorn. And then you interrupt like the four people left on register. It's like two Cokes, two popcorn. And then you interrupt your shoveling and you bring it to them. And there's no line. There'll be no line.

That's right. All you got to do is watch that SNL sketch. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Cheaps, cheaps, cheaps. No Coke Pepsi. Saw it last night. That was based on his father. Oh, yeah.

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10% off. Is this a sponsor? You better be paying us to fucking waste our time like this. Yeah, you get a taste. You get a taste. These are on sale until Christmas. Don't forget to get them. FitzDog Radio or FitzDog.com.

That's a scary logo. That's a scary logo. You think it frightens kids? It's a weird monster face, you know, with the no. It's an interesting take. Like, has there ever been a monster with no features? Like, it's almost like super high tech. You know how in the typical alien movies or the sci-fi movies,

it's like that their ship doesn't have a door. It doesn't have a window. What is that? It's so advanced. Why couldn't a face be the same way? Yeah. I think Close Encounters encounters they had no facial features i think there was a mound for a nose and that was about it huh maybe all right what am i what am i a geek what am i

brian posain the fuck do i know all i know is this book is going to change your life. Eckhart Tolle. I read the back. All I needed, literally, was the back paragraph on the back of the book. And I feel like I have let go so much childhood shit. Is there audio of just the back page that I can listen to? Well, no, there's cliff notes of the back page as an audio. Right. I told you that, right? That I saw when I went on Audible, you can listen to cliff notes. No. Oh, that's right. Yes. It's like, you know what? The shortcut for Madam Bovary is not enough. Not enough. I want you to read me the shortcut and is there an abridged version of the shortcut to madam bovary is can you provide me the essence of madam bovary in some memes please that's all i want there was a guy in college uh oh fuck what

was his name the name is very critical probably good you don't just just don't say his name he was uh he was this um italian kid from rhode island he was about five foot four and he was a fucking ripped muscle head and he used to uh he used to run he was always in the gym and then he would run from class to class to work out and he put extra weights in his backpack and then he would sprint up and down commonwealth avenue going to classes his dad must have beat him so hard okay go ahead he drove down to florida with his family for spring break and they had a van and he put weights in the back of the van and they almost had an accident because he was bench pressing and he fell over in the back of the van and they almost had an accident

because he was bench pressing and he fell over to one side and the vans were... Anyway, he wrote a paper. He wrote a paper. Marvin. His name was Marvin. That would have not been

one of my top 100 guesses. That's the beauty of it. And he wrote... And he was in my English class. He was the least intelligent guy I've ever met in my life. He wrote a paper about Hamlet where he quoted from the back page of the book, from the back cover of the book. And his premise of the paper was Hamlet was a douchebag. He literally wrote that. That guy today owns about

a dozen car dealerships in Rhode Island, has a yacht and about four houses. The Rhode Island Italian thing that checks that checks. Yeah. Car dealers. I'm surprised he's not in sanitation or cement no no legit hard worker it sounds like isn't it funny i had so many friends who's who were italian growing up whose fathers were in construction and waste removal and uh and i just at the time i thought oh that's cool the dad's like you know it does pretty well they seem to have the largest house in town and, uh, and, and they all wore shiny clothes. And then you look back and go, Oh yeah, they were in the mob. Well, yeah, I was East Chester, New York is full. In fact, they call it grease Chester. It is full on a time. Like growing up, I told you I was the only kid I would, honestly, I would pray before bed to be shorter

because I was like tall and awkward. Like I'm the only kid like, you know, you see like Bobby Brady or whichever one it was like trying desperately to get taller. I couldn't even relate to that storyline. So anyway, I remember one Little League game. I won't say his last name. It's the most Italian last name ever. But his son was Gerald. So Gerald was on the

team and the dad didn't like a call started in a screaming match and then i just remember my dad was like in the car ride home like what was that you know my dad is like working at estee lauder dry you know he's from the bronx he had upbringing, but he was a little more civilized than this. When Gerald's father goes, Mike, hold my fucking rings. And is peeling off rings and asked my dad to hold them because he's now charging the parents on the other side. No shit. Yep. Wow. And it's multiple rings.

At least one pinky ring. The wedding band. A big fat whatever. Like probably high school football ring. Whatever. Wow. And it's multiple rings. At least one pinky ring, the wedding band, a big fat whatever, like probably high school football ring, whatever it is. Maybe it's the difference between a misdemeanor and a felony when you punch somebody in the face is if you have hardware on your hands. Are you saying my fists aren't weapons? What's going on with the lockdown? Are we getting locked down again this week? Yeah, California is really,

I do feel sorry for the restaurant owners. Eating outside, I think the data on it, and how much do I really know what I'm talking about, but the data on it was, I think, pretty good. And I think there could have been a measure, like let them go 40 capacity i don't outdoors i mean oh yeah i mean give me a fucking break i'm i'm the last guy to scream like

hey gavin newsom's an asshole he's driving everybody out of business i believe that we all need to wear masks we all need to social distance and we have to take some precautions but you also have to balance that with the fact that you told restaurant owners they could do outdoor dining. So these people that are on their last dime invested in heat lamps, outdoor furniture, fencing, and they put it all up. And as soon as they did, he's going, no outdoor dining. Fuck that. Outdoor dining, like you said, make it 50%. Give them something. Let these people fucking survive. Yeah, I don't think it was that 50% because

Main Street, man, these bars were pretty packed outside. So then I get it. I understand that. There's also the other element, which is at a certain point, and I know I'm going to sound like Mr. Conservative here, but at a certain point, it is know I'm going to sound like, you know, Mr. Conservative here, but like at a certain point, it is the person's like choice. You want to provide safety for society in general. That's the government's job. But it's kind of like at 50 percent and it's outside and now there's no excuse. Everybody knows the risk. Old people and, you know, the immunocompromised are not going to go to a bar

to sit outside and drink and eat. Only people who are feeling good. You could do the temperature check on the way in, which will weed out some. And then, you know, of course, the whole question is, but then who do they give it to? So I think if they do, make the temperature check rectal with a thick thermometer and let's weed out the people that don't belong outside. I guess that's me, right, I think?

I think you'll see a large gay population dining outside. You'll also see a lot of people who are like, now they want to go out. Bonus! That's the opposite of a cover charge. Let's give a shout out to this week's song. It came to us from Tony C.

Kind of an electronic kind of feel. Do you like it? I liked it a lot. I can't believe we're on, what are we, near show 40? How long have we been doing this thing? We've had 40 different songs in the past year. We've had 40 different logos in the last year and they're not, they're not all great.

Some are phenomenal. Some, but none of them, none of them have been less than very good. Yeah. What, what is this show? This I'm going to look it up.

Are we 39? I don't know. And then also a shout out. Our logo for this week comes from Owen Beckman. It is, I guess, it must be an album cover. I'm not recognizing. Chris Denman, what's that album cover? You're a rock and roller.

Our producer, Chris Denman, who's here today. He is having a bad hair day so he's got the maga hat on well he heard us be relatively loose with the mask laws and he's like finally thank god yeah right um today is number 40 chris is telling us. Wow. Which means we're going to have our one-year anniversary coming up in three months, and we should plan something for that. Chris, maybe you'll edit together a special episode

of Highlights from the last year. Get on that, will you, Chris, during your Christmas break? Yeah, plan something. Plan a big thing. Why don't you weed through 40 hours, 52 hours of us fucking telling dick jokes, cheap gay jokes,

quasi-racist jokes? You know. Pick some fun stuff. A lot of people watched last week. Oh, yeah? What are the comments? I guess that's what we do on the podcast. By the way, if you're not watching the show, get involved.

It's on YouTube. No, don't watch it. I'm in a closet. It's depressing. And look at the two of us. It's depressing. What? I look good today.

I got my son's DePaul University hat on, which I stole from him. Okay, then tune in to see this absolute denial. What's going on with your closet? Wait, move aside for a second. in to see this absolute denial. What's going on with your closet? Move aside for a second. Why is it that the bottom shelf of your closet has nothing in it and the top is completely overstuffed with shirts? Shelf? No, there's two levels.

There's two levels. Rack up top, rack down on the bottom. But I put shoes down there. There's the shoes. Oh, I got it. How can I see the comments on our YouTube thing? Usually it's super easy. Anyway, all right.

So, corrections, we only had one from last week. Gene Kittrell says he wants to point out that a.40 caliber semi-auto pistol is not a wild firearm. I don't know what that means. Many police departments use this as the primary carry. Semi-automatic is also not as crazy as it sounds. It's really about getting rid of the wheel, gun, cowboy-style frame and bulk. I'm not trying to attack you two.

Good, because you sound like a gun owner. And you may have been dragged to the range by rogan by now since he's been on a speed run kick lately uh i have not gone i'm supposed to go to the the range with tom segura who knows a guy on one of those ranges where you shoot ak-47s at like five different targets shaped like people tom's really i didn't know this about him because he didn't my perception of him when he came up was he wouldn't be the guy who really gets a charge out of like you know testosterone cars and uh and automatic weapons and also gore yeah and. And fart and shit. When we had him up at the cabin on Bert Kreischer's cabin on Netflix now, we arranged to get an emu, which had been slaughtered like an hour earlier. And we put it in a cooler and they were then going to butcher it and cook it.

And when it showed up, like Segura could not have been more into disemboweling this still warm emu. No shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. And Bert was like, Bert is very sensitive that way, you know, which is counter to his image, kind of. He's like, really, like, especially the smell would really affect Bert. It was pretty funny. It's episode one.

It's right up top. We did not bury the lead. Tom's pretty manly. I think he's like, I think his parents are from like Venezuela or Argentina or something. It's not Chile. I'll get it.

I forget where. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Latin America. I think South America. I think somewhere in South America. I think it is South. And yeah, he's manly. I like Tom.

Tom's exactly what you get when you hear him on his podcast. That's him. And I think that's why people like him so much. And Christina Pazitsky. Oh, they're amazing. Yeah, they're great. I just listened to their podcast this week. I tuned in this week.

Do you ever incorporate the comments from YouTube in our comments? No, I should check. There's a lot of them. Well, here's one. I pooped a little. That's all it says. That's nice. Yeah. So, oh, here, April, May, June. That's a lovely name. A lot of people have that middle name, May. Usually it's not between April and June. She, I remember asking for the word, and I always have a blank on this word when I was saying the virus was growing geometrically. It's exponential. Ah, yes.

And exponential and geometric, I think, in some cases, can mean the same thing. But I love that word exponential, and I don't know why I have a block on it. That's fascinating stuff. Okay, I'm back. Let's get to the front page mike jack shack three women arrested last year as part of a high-profile human trafficking sting in Florida were sentenced. The women must pay the state some hefty fees for allegedly facilitating the sexual gratification of massage customers.

I love that. They got to pay fees for jacking off some fat old guy. They do, including New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. Meanwhile, all charges against craft were dropped in september they said that the massage room surveillance video was uh inadmissible so um authorities in palm beach uh coordinated this uh sting on prostitution and announced the results together as major human trafficking bust. But the truth was much more mundane. Some middle-aged, licensed masseuses working legally in the U.S.,

sometimes engaged in consensual sex acts with massage customers for an added fee. That's a nice way to say it. Masseuse Shen Mingbi, one of the two women at orchards of asia that craft was accused of patronizing was charged with one count of deriving support from prostitution 10 counts of soliciting another for prostitution uh they returned her passport and phone and unfreezed her bank account she was sentenced to a year of probation and a hundred hours of community service also had to forfeit twenty thousand dollars to the jupiter police department and a five thousand dollar cash bond plus 6500 in fines and fees this is a fucking woman who makes

seven dollars an hour giving back rubs meanwhile Meanwhile, Kraft walks away fucking scot-free. This does not sound like a happy ending. Come on. She must be so confused. Normally, all of her stories have happy endings. This is, I mean, couldn't Kraft, if he was a decent human being, who's worth, what's craft worth a billion he's probably a billionaire could he peel off a hundred thousand dollars and help out these masseuses

that are paying fines because they jacked his fat wrinkled gray new england cock i hope he secretly is taking care of all of them you know what mean? Like their fines and setting them up, maybe setting up a trust because he can't do it publicly. I think that would not look good, but I don't know, man, this story obviously infuriated me. Um, it seems he is not, I remember this was a giant debacle by Florida. They went in with the loftiest ambition, as you said, to bust this human trafficking ring. And they did it through illegal means. That's why they can't, you know, they don't, they have nothing on craft. And then what they're left with is, yeah, hitting these individuals and the individuals

like this poor, uh, Shen. It's like that in theory there, she was the one they were going to liberate on this big human trafficking stand. Right, right. I know. And they spent years on it, years of police time, public resources, and they've ruined lives and taken 50 grand from a few immigrant sex workers. It's fucking disgraceful. It just goes to show you in this country, it just goes to show you, Mike, money can buy you freedom in this country.

I think this is the new bit. Florida, man. Then we have Florida, man. But this is Florida, man. By the way, Chris Denman just texted me that Kraft is worth six point six billion dollars. OK, but hold on. Something's troubling me. And because I have ADD, I haven't ADD. I haven't chased it down in my brain yet. But if I corner it right now, Kraft can't be guilty because the cameras which showed the act. Wait, there's something wrong here. Like, couldn't her lawyer claim that it never happened or that it wasn't consensual? I don't know. There's something there. Yeah, why is it that it sticks for her and not for him?

And excuse the word sticks. But, like, it doesn't make sense to me that she's got to clean up this mess. Wait, I didn't mean it that way. Wait. Couldn't she cover it up with a warm rag? Can't she wipe this from her record? Did you already say wipe? It seems like her year has really been up and down and up and down and up and down.

I think she could pull it off. I don't know. They should pump her for some more information. Yeah, I think so. All right, next story. North Carolina woman brutally ejected from a ladies' room yesterday after nearby police officers were alerted by local citizens that a transgender

was using a public women's restroom. Linda Hovinski. I doubt they used the full word transgender, but go ahead. Linda Hovinski, a 54-year-old resident of Charlotte, was tased and teased, probably teased and tased.

It's also orchid, I think, in the previous story. Maybe you did the Chinese pronunciation of orchid. Go ahead. Oh, did I? Keep going. Why is that just occurring to you now? That was seven minutes ago.

No, I let it go, but then you came right up here on tase. I like it. Go ahead. I also want to head these letters. Someone right now is like, erase, erase, delete, delete, delete. They had a whole correction on Orchid. She was tased multiple times by police officers as she was forced outside of the ladies room with her pants down and in front of a large crowd. What's with the large crowd outside the bathroom?

You wouldn't stick around for this show? Quote, I was taking a crap when police officers started that's not very ladylike yeah she's transitioned physically but she's a little slow on the social aspect of being a lady i was taking a crap when police officers i was duking one out so i'm dropping a deuce yeah having a smoke. When these pigs kicked in the door. I'm shitting over here. Yeah. So I'm sitting down taking a piss because that's how I do it now.

So they started yelling at her, telling her to open the door. I wasn't finished. So they kicked the door open and grabbed me with my pants down and rushed me outside. I tried to fight them to at least put my pants back on. That's when they threw me on the floor and started kicking the life out of me and tased me. I don't know how many times. First of all, let's take a giant step back and say, what is the danger? Even if, forget that she's transgender. There's a man in the bathroom, and is he going to rape somebody? Is that what it is? That you can be alone in a room with another man, any other man.

You're in a locked stall. If you don't want him to sexually assault you, take a shit. Just take a dump. Nobody's going to, nobody wants a piece of that. You know, the fetish though, that's a really common fetish of raping someone while shitting in a park bathroom. If you hear a German accent, then you're in trouble. Yeah. What is this smell? It is like perfume to me. Hey, taking a step even further back, the reason I was laughing up top, which is incredibly inappropriate if you don't know what I was thinking. You don't mention anywhere in here that they're that they're a transgender person.

Yeah, I did. No. So what's hysterical to me is if this was really not really, that's awful, that this was a person born as a woman, a regular. I can't say regular. It's so hard. You know what I mean? A woman who was gender, a an organically cisgender human being. You only said that people alerted them that that a transgender was using the public woman's bathroom. Imagine if this was a woman born a woman who not only is she being dragged out while taking a shit, but she's like, I'm not trans. You keep calling me transgender.

I'm tall, okay? And I'm Italian, so I have a small mustache. You think I want to be shitting in a public park bathroom? Don't you keep teasing me. So there's that. But clearly, clearly they I mean, this is very ugly. Of course, none of this would have happened if it was a real woman god you know what i mean a woman born a woman cis cisgen we're gonna talk so awful i just said real woman the more i think

about it what we're gonna talk more about this later we have a we have a uh transgender story in uh the entertainment section which i'm very excited to get to yeah but for now let's get to international phew get out of that transgender hitler's back in the news a man named adolf hitler has won an election in the southwest african country namibia and he's been kind enough to let everyone know he has no plans to take over the world. Adolf Hitler Unano of Namibia's Swapo party has been sworn in on Wednesday. newspaper billed the 54 year old unano said that his father had picked the unorthodox name for him and was likely unaware of adolf hitler's infamous role in history yeah that's not a guy you want on your team in charades no no read the next sentence the dad knew namibia was also a former German colony from 1884 to 1915, meaning that a name like Adolf would

not be uncommon. It quote, quote, it wasn't until I was growing up that I realized this man wanted to subjugate the whole world. I have nothing to do with any of these things. I should be doing a Namibia accent, but I don't know what it sounds like. That's kind of a rather surfacy, light way of looking at Adolf's legacy that he wanted to subjugate the whole world. Yeah. He did more than that. He was quite accomplished. You should maybe crack a book. Yeah. He really wasn't. If only Hitler had been all talk. Yeah, he should really get on LinkedIn and take a look at Adolf's resume because so much more accomplished than that. Also, this swapo party.

First of all, this guy, I think he's very cagey, kind of like his predecessor, Adolf Hitler. He's claiming he has no plans to take over the world. It's a swapo party. They had little logos that are called swapstickas. Unrelated. Yeah, right, right. Totally unrelated to what, you know, that guy you're telling me about from Germany did.

Also, you'd be, I would be wary as a Namibian of electing a leader who has said he hates black people. And also, hey, you know, my dad named me. He was unaware. So you know what? I'm stuck forever with Adolf Hitler. First of all, you're not stuck forever. It's a very, very easy thing to change.

Yeah. Just just maybe change the last name. Did, did the father, is the father's name Hitler? Um, it sounds like Hitler is a middle name, but you know, he could do what Prince did, be the politician formerly known as Adolf Hitler. And secondly, at what point are you like, you're saddled with his name Adolf Hitler and you're like, get your career counselor in high school. It's like, what do you want to do? I think I'm going to go into politics. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

I think I already have a toe in the door. So, yeah, that's what I'm going to do. It's a very, it's a very electable name. Although, was Hitler ever elected? Hitler? No. Maybe on the back end. No.

No, he was never elected. What an idiot thing to say. Were there even elections after he took power? Well, he was elected to the. Some dictators do have, you know, like in Russia and many countries have the pretense of an election. You know what I mean? Did he even do that? I believe he was elected to a higher office, but I don't think he was ever elected as Fuhrer. Like, I don't know that that's a job you run for.

I think that's one you take um you know like trump technically if he did another term would be a transition to furor from president and then the other oh wait do we have an answer just in from chris hitler attained power in march 1933 after the reichstag adopted the enabling act Act of 1933. He was enabled. They always knew it. He was appointed chancellor in January 1933 after a series of parliamentary elections and associated backroom intrigues.

So it was a soft coup. I would call it a soft coup. This is from Chris, our producer's Hitler fan page. This little summary came up a little too quickly, if you ask me. Just off the top of his head. Yeah. He was a divine appointee. No, he was not elected by common people.

What's with all the heart emojis? Also, Hitler with a little heart above the eye. That's weird. All right. This is a great story. Imagine. That's such good graffiti. Hitler with a little heart above the eye.

People would shit themselves. Yeah, yeah. Get on it, Banksy. Because it's such like an 11-year-old girl thing to do. Yeah. Dear diary, Hitler's haircut is so everything. All right, Mike, you want to read the next story? Where are we going? Oh, yeah. It right, Mike, you want to read the next story? Where are we going?

Oh, yeah. It's still an international story. Guests at Gay Daddy Orgy, that's in quotes, thought cops raiding the party were part of the show and they tried to undo the cops' pants, the host claims. David Manzelli and some of the 30 male guests had, quote, tried to unzip the pants of the policemen because they thought that the raid was part of the orgy after the event at his Brussels apartment was shut down last Friday. headline news. Manzelli's guests included Hungarian MEP Joseph Sager, a married conservative politician who has supported anti-LGBT measures and who allegedly tried to escape through a window when police arrived. Sager apologized and resigned from the nationalist Fidesz party on Wednesday after a

rebuke from Hungary's prime minister who, who called bless you COVID who called the MEPs actions indefensible. All right, back to the details. They immediately started shouting identify identity card identity card. Now this is what the cops were shouting. But we weren't even wearing pants. How in God's name could we quickly conjure up our identity card? Where would we keep it? So they were being, by the way, those things are totally legal.

This article went on to point out, but they're not legal now during the virus. Oh, so you are allowed to be gay in Eastern Europe. And have organized orgies. Right. Can you imagine? These guys are horny. Imagine pulling one of these guys over for a speeding ticket, license and registration. I can do you one better than that

can you roll down your window of course how am i going to unzip your pants with my window up silly me um wait a minute i guess orgies are illegal how why would it look is there any reason an orgy i guess you can't be an unlicensed business if you were like, because this guy, I think, may be charged for the party. It seemed like an organized thing. There was publicity. But an orgy is not illegal, right? Well, if you go to Poland, which I think is the next town over, I believe it is. I think it's illegal to have sexual gay acts in Poland. Seriously? to have sexual gay acts in Poland. Seriously?

I think so. Chris, you want to look on your anti-LGBTQ website? Of course he's going to credit Hitler for that. We get it. We get it. Hitler also invented peanut butter. We get it, Chris. I wonder just, like, every time they see a cop,

they just get an erection. These guys. Do you know what comedian it was that said, oh, it was so well done. The peanut butter invention. Sounds like Gaffigan. No, no, no. But there's the famous that, what's his name? Carver. Huh? Carver? Huh?

Carver? Yeah, is it Washington Carver? Yeah, James Washington Carver, no, something Washington Carver. Now they're saying, yeah, George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. Now they're saying the inventor of Kellogg's might have. But anyway, some comedian, I'm so sorry I'm forgetting his name, goes, I think there's a little too much weight placed on the invention of peanut butter. Don't you just smash up peanuts? If it's the only thing you're going to give blacks credit for previous to the 19th century.

Yeah, it's such a funny point because we just ran with it. Like, no shit, that guy was a total, you know, renaissance man. He's not only a politician, a great orator, he invented peanut butter. That is a fact every fucking American school child knows. Who invented peanut butter?

Yeah. How about the blues? How about, uh, good drum music? We're hearing it might be TJ Miller who had that bit, but God, I'd hate to further insult the guy who really did it. If it's not TJ, if it is TJ, I mean, I love TJ, but, uh, how good, honestly, I know there were problems behind the scenes and stuff, but how good was he on Silicon Valley? So great. He made the show. How was the show after he left? I never watched. That's to its credit. It had such a rich cast of characters because I knew I would really miss him. And don't get me wrong, I did miss them, but it was still, listen, that was one of my favorite shows. And to a point, I would say a guilty pleasure

in that I didn't care if it was funny at times. I just wanted to be in the room with these characters. And so often they were really following, you know, ripped from the headlines, you know, ripped from the headlines, you know, sort of very complicated cases from Silicon Valley of like copyright infringement,

intellectual property, and then just very classic business takeover moves. And I was all in, but those characters, oh my God. No, they were great. They were really great.

And, you know, HBO just has a fucking knack for making comedies that compare the average HBO sitcom to the average CBS sitcom. And no offense to you. I know you develop shows for CBS. Oh, no, please. It's nine days. But you think about Veep. It really is nine days.

It's two different things. You think about Curb Your Enthusiasm. think about veep it really is nine days enthusiasm you think about uh you know uh larry d what you call it uh gary shandling show yeah uh larry sanders i mean hit after we were talking before about um uh the one with uh danny uh what's his name jim something oh mcbride yeah yeah yeah danny mcbride i mean how many danny mcbride sitcoms have they had that were fucking genius what's his name? Jem something. Oh, McBride. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Danny McBride. I mean, how many Danny McBride sitcoms have they had that were fucking genius? Oh, I know.

Righteous Gemstones. But by the way, HBO, I think I just saw a promo. They're going to have a four-part documentary series on Heaven's Gate. Oh, really? Yeah. Remember the cult that all killed them?

They were all wearing hoodies and Nikes, and they put the Nikes at the foot of their bed, and it was a mass suicide in this house. So they're going to have that. I also saw, I think it's called I Hate Susie. It's this British show. Have you seen that? No. I watched a bunch of episodes.

It's pretty good, like right out of the gate. It's incredibly tense and all and also funny. So there's that. But wait, quick story on on the Heaven's Gate. So I was working at HBO in New York and the day the Heaven's Gate news broke, they rented, I guess, or they had this cult, a big house outside of San Diego and police showed up and all of them were dead in their beds wearing hoodies with with Nikes, I think, at the foot of the bed. So anyway, it was a very national, big national news story that day. HBO and time warner i guess took over turner and there was a huge press conference held to announce this so anyway in the press conference this is just a long story like there are so many great ted turner stories of how he just shoots from the hip and all

that so huge press conference and gerald levin is the head of Time Warner. And then here's Ted Turner. And so they're like, we're going to let Ted, you know, and now Ted Turner is going to say a few words about the merger. Ted Turner gets up there, says hardly anything. He kind of like is like, he said it all, whatever. And then they go, then there were questions. And a guy stands up and he's like, Ted Turner is the creator of CNN and the owner of the largest news network in the world. What do you make of this news today that just came out of this of this cult out of San Diego? And he goes, quote, I don't know much about it, but it sounds like not a bad way to get rid of a bunch of wackos if you ask me. Gerald Levin pops up, goes over to the mic again and goes, and I'm not even kidding you,

as you can see, we don't really tell Ted what to say. It's the best. That's amazing. What an amazing thing to say. And by the way, sorry, just a quick one little other story. I once was flipping through in New York and I loved cable access in New York. And so I landed on this guy and he's like this really impassioned gay guy. And he has a news show on cable access in New York City. And he's really vigilant and all of a sudden he goes, so he goes, I went out, I want to show you this footage. He's like at the Metropolitan Museum, they had this, uh, this, this big benefit, all these rich people there. And it's for gay rights. And he's like, but all of them, some of them are so contradictory in what they say. And they, they're, they're being on, you know, they're at this event and they're, and they're supporting it, but like they're other parts of their life. They own

repressive companies or whatever it is. So he goes, but i want to show you this one clip i went there the honoree of the night was ted turner so he goes up and he's online and you can still feel his anger when he was online in this clip and ted turner comes and he was the honoree that night and he goes mr turner mr turner and he's a nobody with a like probably into his walkman he's recording this thing and ted sees him and actually walks over to him. And he's like, hey, he's like, he's like, so why do you think you're being honored tonight? And the question was loaded because he was asking, like, with all the policies like CNN's hiring procedures, you don't like to recognize same sex benefits or benefits for same sex partners. Why do you think you're being honored tonight?

And Ted Turner goes, to tell you the truth. I don't know, but I bet it's because I gave a lot of money to them. And it cuts back to this angry gay guy in the studio. He's like, say what you will. That is one of the most honest people I've ever. That's amazing. He completely,

he completely disarmed him. So has anyone done a documentary about him he's fucking fascinating because he's like a real cowboy and then he marries jane fonda who is a a fucking you know the flag bearer for the uh liberal left and he's a republican it was like when schwarzenegger got a kennedy it was insane. He's amazing. You know, there was some big it might even been 60 Minutes. And I don't think they showed it. But I remember a writer writing about this very thing. He's like, so the 60 Minutes thought it'd be a good idea. He owns like half of Montana, you know, to preserve it. It's a very Rockefeller move. So they go to his sprawling

ranch and that 60 Minutes thought it'd be a good idea. You can see this in a 60 Min move. So they go to his sprawling ranch and the 60 minutes would be a good idea. You can see this in a 60 minutes. So we went out to get to know, and you see the two of them on horses, you know, and they're chatting while they go around his ranch. So he's like, as we're getting saddled up, you know, I asked him, he's like, Oh, what's the, he goes to the guy. He's like, yeah, you know, put me like on my favorite horse or whatever. So he goes to the guy, the 60 minutes where it goes, um, what's the name of your horse? And he goes, everyone, at least before the interview that I've experienced, I've had doubts that they knew the name, but they asked because they want to seem like they do this

all the time. And Ted Turner's asked, he's like, what's the name of your horse? He's like, how the fuck should I know? He doesn't even pretend. There's no effort to learn the name of the horse or anything well he was like he was like the first american media mogul in this kind of new in this post-modern world of like you know vertical integration and you know buying up like he was before rupert murdoch any of that stuff well it was really pure I know this isn't the Ted Turner era, but he, we should follow up and talk about him. His dream.

He was at in advertising. I think, I think, I believe he came from money. I believe his dad was a successful businessman, but he, it was one of those people like who, like a Buffett or something who just has his ears open. And he's like, all of a sudden he's like, wait, tell me about this new technology called a he's like, wait, tell me about this new technology called a satellite. Like, wait, what? And then he just latched on with a vision for what a satellite could do and what it could do for media. Right. And then bought

it and was all of a sudden airing like Chicago Cubs games to everybody around the country who didn't want to see them. And I think that's how it started. All right. New section in the paper, Ted Turner, every week. Yeah. Let's talk about this tequila bar. Our final. No, we have two more international. A lot of international stories this week.

Well, this tequila bar I love. It's a very Ted Turner move, if I may. Well, this tequila bar I love. It's a very Ted Turner move, if I may. A tequila bar owner is trying to get around the UK's strict coronavirus restrictions by adding some holy to his spirits. Sorry, I did of it is 400 Rabbits Tequila and Mezcal Cocktail Bar. It's a long title. It's in Nottingham, and he wants to make it an official place of meeting for religious worship. He was also shown smiling and giving the thumbs up while mailing the form for the now reverentially named Church of the 400 Rabbits. Much better name. This story we had last week and we didn't get to it. I bet even this church is, oh, I don't know if this church is closed.

Have you seen all these cases in America where the courts, including the Supreme Court, are overruling the government wanting to shut down the churches? Oh, no shit oh yeah the supreme court chimed in new york try to shut down and now gavin newsom um and i believe our mayor too are trying to prevent those huge gatherings and that some of the churches will have none of it so they're allowing super spreader events to happen in a government that's supposed to be separation of church and state. There you go. But this bar is very good thinking.

I love the bar, though, because instead of instead of transforming the blood into wine, he can transform beef feeders and vermouth into a martini. It's like a miracle. It's a much more believable miracle, which is nice. It makes this church more approachable. I think the tough thing is they got to find barbacks that are between the ages of six and nine. I think it happened older than that also did it i think i thought they kind of saw them as a by the way you know in the book lolita um the lolita everybody thinks lolita you know okay it was sexy uh in a weird the book is sexy it's very sexually charged no i'm not kidding you it's nabokov and it's very much like you titillating and what you but you really got to read the book close because lolita's not 16 she's not 15 she's not 14 she's

like 12 oh i was hoping you were going up she's like 11 or 12 years old And then she turns 14 and he loses all interest in her. Really? Yes. Yes. Wow. I just reread it recently. Yeah, she probably had a gray or two coming in and he could see where that's going.

Saggy boobs. What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with? Huh? What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with? Huh? What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with? 46. Safe. Play it safe. Good move.

Never know when this podcast can be listened to by an executive from CBS. Yeah, no, I don't know. That's a good question. I was a late bloomer, though, man. And I went to a boarding school. Like, no, so I don't have the experience, the really disturbing experiences you've had. We started young in my town. We started fucking young.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and by boarding school, I just mean we were, there was not many, I'd say there were a third of the class size, but at the whole school, I'd like 400. But there was not much going on in terms of dating. Yeah. When did you lose your virginity? How old were you?

Late senior year. Yeah. So late. Oh, and she was 13. I forget. How can you forget your first? I was just listening on the way over to the office. I was listening to that Tonight's the Night by Rod Stewart. And I was thinking he's still singing that song. He's still singing a song about deflowering a 16-year-old virgin and saying,

spread your wings and let me come inside as a fucking 78-year-old guy on stage. And people are still swaying and moved by it. Oh, no. There's a lot of disturbing. I mean, the old blues songs, there's some really disturbing lyrics in there. And you're right. Maybe not so disturbing. Like, you're writing it.

You're in the mindset of a teenage boy or whatever it is. But then when you're a 75-year-old blues man still singing that song. Right, right. Or any of the Chuck Berry songs. It was always like, and she was just 14. You're like, whoa, hold on a second there. Yeah. You know something's wrong

when the next lyric of a song describing a girl is, you know what I mean? Like, okay, I guess I do know what you mean. I wish you hadn't gone there. If you know what, yeah. All right, let's get to it. Oh, let's do this one other one. Another international story.

Super soldiers. China has conducted human testing on members of the army in hopes of developing soldiers with biologically enhanced capabilities. This poses a preeminent national security threat to the U.S. There are no ethical boundaries to Beijing's pursuit of power. China seeks to create super soldiers of the sort depicted in Hollywood films like Captain America, Bloodshot, and Universal Soldier. China's ambitions to apply biotechnology to the battlefield including what they are saying signs that china was interested in using gene editing technology to enhance human and perhaps

soldier performance so first of all we gotta stop sending our movies to china because they're believing all this shit they're also they're developing like a uh a swinger kind of a guy with a British accent as their new spy. Now, hold on a second. I'm reading this story along with you, and Captain America and Bloodshot are in quotes. Is the government document referencing Captain America? Is this an arms race? Do they think we're in this race officially? We've thrown down with Captain America, and the best we could do is a guy who throws a shield around? There is no doubt the CIA has a counter program to this, where they are

developing Spider-Man. They you know, they're looking at every superhero now and seeing how it would match up on the battlefield. Haven't they done enough sending the virus around the world? I mean, take a break. Honestly. Right, right. It's like Ant-Man. It's like Ant-Man. It's a little molecule that comes out of your nose and throat when you cough. And it'll take down your whole country. Yeah. It is weird that they have no cases left.

And we do. And they started it. Here come the letters, by the way. The amount of people that feel this is intentional. There's a lot of people that feel this was intentional. Despite all evidence to the contrary, all biological, like hard evidence about where it started and how it was not in a lab in China. We know that for a fact. You saw the Americans, right?

Yes. It was kind of comforting a little to see. Do you remember when it was about biological warfare at one point and that guy who was our leading guy on it in america and what it did to his but like but it was almost like the scientists of all all the countries were like no no no no no like you can't fuck with that one like Like it was like, it was almost like the scientist had an allegiance to science above their country. Kind of like, no, no, no, no, no, not like it was like even like, remember like even the Russian spies were trying to put the lid on that. Yeah. Right. Right. Um, let's get to Florida, man. Interesting Florida man this week.

Let's do, do you do a little newspaper thing? Sound effect? What podcast is this? This is the sound of a tiger attacking somebody. Why don't you read this one, Mike? Well, I never do well reading them for many well I'm not a great reader secondly I didn't write it and organize it but I will so this Florida man but Florida man

is your thing you're in charge of Florida man am I yeah you're Florida man guy I move this story because the wild animal is a man otherwise it's all chicks a tiger nearly bit off a volunteer's arm at carol baskin fucking carol baskin's big cat rescue on thursday morning in of course tampa florida baskin a controversial animal rights activist rose to prominence in march after

appearing in the netflix docuseries tiger king The volunteer of five years, you know, you remember the whole volunteer situation? Oh, yeah. Nobody gets paid. They work 60, 70 hours a week and they don't get paid. Carol Baskin, the volunteer of five years, Candy Kuser, OK, was about to feed a tiger named Kimba when he grabbed her arm and nearly tore it off at the shoulder. Baskin said in an email to BuzzFeed News. See, I'm bad at reading.

Several staff members rushed to help her, pulling her to safety and using a belt as a tourniquet, and then packed her arm in ice packs to try to save it until the ambulance arrived. Prior to the bite, Kimba had been locked in a section of the cage where he usually was not fed. Kuser was still conscious when she was transported to the hospital. Baskin said, and that's weird. Baskin said, and,

and insisted that she, what's going on with that quote? Kuserzer, Koozer saying, she's saying Koozer insisted that she did not want Kimba the tiger to come to any harm for this mistake. How is it a mistake? Oh, interesting. You're a hungry tiger and a human who is meat in the wild goes near you. How is it the tiger's mistake that he tried to eat you?

It's your mistake. It was also the mistake of two of her previous husbands. That's right. That's right. She's lucky instead of calling an ambulance, she didn't just get the fucking meat grinder going. Yeah. That meat grinder, that imagery of the meat grinder.

It was just like, what are we watching? You know, it's, it's almost like that should be the next thing I do. The last thing I do in my career, just irresponsible, like documentaries, just be completely biased, have your opinion. You know, there was that one guy who kind of does that and he's famous, but his big one was like Kurt and Courtney or Courtneyney and kurt whatever it was and he basically had the premise that courtney killed kurt oh yeah yeah yeah and and he is a part of the documentary like you hear his voice constantly he's running after someone he's chasing down some mystery man at the train tracks who was also found dead all this anyway

but um well michael i love that part of the grinder that's true yeah um yeah well the woman is going to use the 17 and 43 cents that carol paid her last year to uh as a down payment on the surgery and then she owes that money back. Yeah. She'll have to go back. She'll have to go back to work and work it off. Um, yeah, I mean this Baskin chicks,

they actually put her on dancing with the stars. What, what that show, they put Sean Spicer on that show. They are the fucking bottom of the barrel because there's so few famous people that want to dance. So they got to change the name of the show. Well, it's the most dishonest show title ever.

Yeah. Obviously they're not stars. It's also not dancing. They're 0 for 2. Why isn't it dancing? Have you seen it? I saw it early on. Why they're not, don't they like ballroom dance?

Yeah, but it's people like running around a room who can't. They give them professional dancers to try to teach these people with two left feet. Yeah. How to like, you know, walk elegantly even like it's it's awful. Football players are always the worst. Are they? Yeah, they're very heavy footed. That seems weird to me.

And the gay guys are fucking great. Get a gay football player in there. Come on, admit it. There's a few of them. Which football player do you think is gay? Marino. Really? Sorry.

No, I'm just saying that. I'm just saying that. Trying to piss off Jack. You you know that's weird right my roommate who from high school who you know very well jack from hartford jack stout somehow a diehard miami dolphins fan because the the dallas cowboys and the miami dolphins back in the 70s when we were growing up they were the hot shot teams they were sexy they were exciting they were like america's teams they were you know always going to the super bowl and so kids fell in love with them no matter where you lived you could be a dallas cowboy or a miami fan. It was also so sunshiny and everything was like white

and orange and a weird, very gay in the in the true sense of the word, this gay teal or whatever that bluish green is. Yeah. But you can also say they were the hottest cheerleaders in the league, which might have something to do with it. Well, I'm wondering. I always thought Dallas obviously stole that show. Like Miami should have owned that early. Yeah, right, right. Dallas is miserable half the year. It's, you know, it's rainy and cold. In Dallas?

Isn't it? I mean, it's Texas. How cold could it be? Hey, by the way, it's one of those things like, do you know the Grand Canyon is north of Los Angeles? Okay. Isn't that weird? No. I think of Arizona as down to the right from us.

Hey, how long did it take you to drive to Utah, to Wyoming? Wyoming's 1,000 miles. It was literally 999. So it's 24 hours if you do it straight. Huh?. So it's 24 hours if you do it straight. Huh? So it's about 24 hours if you do it straight. No. What do you mean?

13. Really? Yeah. Wait a minute. 1,000 miles in 13 hours? You want me to put it in Waze? Obviously, Waze is going to say it's, you know, you're not taking any breaks on your drive. But here it is. But if you break it up, which is how you should view it, you're not taking any breaks on your drive, but here it is.

But if you break it up, which is how you should view it, you're breaking up 13 hours or 14 hours. Yeah. No, that's why Jackson Hole hates Los Angeles now. It's like half of Los Angeles is there. Because I'm thinking about going out there because obviously we've got it we've got a place got a place to stay so leaving now wait what do you mean you got a place don't you say jack's got a place we can stay in no his parents are there now for you have to go off season oh

so this is leaving now and there's traffic everywhere. Like, you know, you'd be leaving midday here. It says it's 14 and a half hours. Huh. Huh. And it's less miles. Also, my friend Sophie lives out there now. She just emailed me out of the blue.

I hadn't talked to her since college. You knew her in college. Sophie, tall, very beautiful. And she ended up marrying Gordon Elliott. Oh, my God. Of course. Yeah. That didn't last. Right. Now they're divorced now. But she's the greatest chick. We went to high school together and then college. And so we just reconnected. So I'm trying to put her in touch with Jack. And then I'm thinking about going out there and seeing both of them. Wait, where does she live? She lives in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I remember Sophie. Well, yeah, I'd like to like, yeah, she was so much fun.

So much fun. Such a great chick. Anyway, let's get to entertainment. Is it time? Time for some entertainment. Do it. All right, what's going on? It's not a real story, but I noticed that the actor, David Prowse, who famously played Darth Vader, he died. He died from COVID-19, but he was getting a lot of praise. I guess he was in some other, he was a wrestler. I also, he went to the Olympics. I don't know if he won the gold medal, but he went to the Olympics representing England. So anyway, he was kind of beloved in England and he was in some like other movies where he'd play either villains or monsters. Oh, I think he played Frankenstein.

But he's getting all this praise for brilliantly playing Darth Vader. But let's unpack that. So you're this guy, David. You're talking to Lucas. I heard he got his choice, by the way, to play either because he's like 6'7 or something, he could play either Chewbacca or Darth Vader. Chewbacca, by the way. You ever notice Chewbacca was either treated like a pet or a military genius, depending on which film it was. He also had to save the day with getting the ship right after things had messed up.

Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. If you're given the choice to play Chewbacca or Darth Vader, either you have the most unbelievable range as an actor ever. You're basically going to play a kind of socially stupid Bigfoot, or you're going to play the most sinister, smartest guy in the room, in the, not only the room in the universe. Okay. So there's that, but that's not the case. What it is is we don't care if you have range, just get in this giant monkey suit or in this other suit where you're going to wear a helmet. And he's like, okay, but you know, I've learned all my lines. Shouldn't have done that. You have no lines. We're going to get these unbelievable for Darth, this unbelievable stage actor to do all your lines. Yeah. James Earl Jones will be

accepting the Oscar. You won't even get invited to the ceremony. So, so what do I do? You walk into a room authoritatively, which is taken care of because this suit is so uncomfortable. You're going to have a weird rigid walk. So, so even your walk, there's no acting needed. And occasionally you're gonna have to hold out your hand. Like you're squeezing something imaginary and a guy's going to pretend to choke across the room.

We're going to shoot him in a different day though. So all you got to do is hold out your hand and squeeze it. So we want to send our condolences to David Prowse's family and a speedy, speedy trip to heaven, David. What an actor, what a memorable role. So warm. So warm, Mike. He could act with his eyes. He didn't even have to do that much. It's unbelievable. By the way, I wonder how much he was acting underneath the mask. He was probably, I wonder if he was mouthing the words. Right. Luke. Yeah. I am. I wonder, I am your father. Because imagine having that big moment. Everybody knows the line is, I am your father. And is he just under the mask like, am I looking in the right direction? Yeah.

Who knows? Yeah, he probably, like my friend, Teddy Errico, he's like the biggest, growing up he was the biggest Rangers fan of all time. He was a really good hockey player. I think he might have played, I think he played JV for Boston College. And so anyway, after he graduated, you know, nobody gets the job they want after graduation. So he ends up getting a job.

He wanted to work in hockey. So he got a job working in marketing for the New Jersey Devils. So the team he fucking hated more than any other team in the league. And during one of the marketing meetings, they're like, you know, Todd broke his leg. He can't skate around this week with the mascot outfit on.

We got to go hire somebody. They couldn't find anybody. In a panic the day before, they're like, Teddy, will you put on the uniform? He puts on the uniform. He's skating around the rink with the gloves on of the devil, and he's going like this. He's giving the entire crowd the finger as he skates in circles.

That's perfect. You don't know what these people look like under the mask. There's another guy. Terry Errico lives in fucking Telluride. Telluride, Colorado. I'd still visit that guy. Telluride's gorgeous. Yeah, he can get us a place.

Oh, my God. So, listen, get us a place. Oh, my God. So, listen, we can skip. I just love all those. During the Luke, I'm your father. He's probably chewing gum under the mask. Like, when is this? I got to get to craft services. I'm starving.

We can skip the Viggo Mortensen story. Oh, I kind of like that. I kind of like that. All right. Here we go. Viggo Mortensen. Because somebody's fucking digging in, you know? that. All right, here we go. Somebody's fucking digging in, you know? Well, remember, he got in trouble for saying the N-word and the context was incredibly important and it was the most

anti-use of the N-word thing he was saying. But for Green Book publicity, he had to go on an apology tour and then even his acting acting like co-actors had to pretend like yes that was a really poor choice it was not a poor choice it's like saying archie bunker it's like saying all in the family's racist it's just they just missed the whole point anyway he's in new hot water vigo mortensen had to defend playing his new role as a gay man in his new film falling people. And this is him defending it. He's like, people then ask me, well, what about Terry Chen who plays my husband in the film? Is he a homosexual? And the answer is, I don't know. And I would never have the temerity to ask someone if they were during the casting process.

Yeah, maybe because it's illegal. Right. Exactly. And then he goes, and how do you know what my life is? You're assuming that I'm completely straight. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. And it's frankly none of your business, Mortensen continued.

I want my movie to work and I want the character of John to be effective. So if I didn't think it was a good idea, I wouldn't do it. So hopefully he's a little fatigued from the stupid N word controversy from two years ago. But it's like, also, what about this defense? I'm an actor. Yeah. Well, also it's like what he pointed out on one hand, the woke community wants you to not ask anybody their sexuality. On the other hand, they want people's sexuality to match the role. Well, which is it? You got to pick one or the other. I was going to Google it. I don't even have to. First of all, I would suck a dick to do a Viggo Mortensen movie.

If it was casting and they said, are you gay? I'd be like, pull out the dick. I mean, what's this thing pay? You did that to get this podcast. I'm not surprised you do it to be in a huge film. Thanks, Chris. But the thing is, it infuriates me. Also, I want to know what his character is like in Falling.

Is he a welder? So are fucking welders furious that someone's playing a welder? I know it's not the same thing, but honestly, it's a slippery slope. Yeah. Well, which leads us to our next story, which is Elliot Page, formerly Ellen Page. formerly uh ellen page are you even allowed to say that because this entire article is about elliot page and not once do they mention her her what his name used to be it's so fucking it's so goddamn sensitive so she will continue to play the role of vanya hargreaves in the umbrella academy uh vanya is a cisgender woman who's super... What's cisgender? Is that straight? Yes, that's you, you pathetic cis. Doesn't cis sound gay? Like sissy?

I'd keep moving on while we have sponsors. While superpower involves unleashing force through the use of sound. There was no plans to change the character's gender insiders told variety page star of films such as juno blah blah blah announced he is gender non-binary transgender person in a heartfelt social media message on tuesday uh page's credited name has already been updated on the imdb page netflix is also in the process of updating her name um some commentators suggested that the role of vanya hargreaves should be recast glad the lgbtq advocacy group pushed back at the notion that Vanya should be recast with a cisgender female actor. Quote, trans actors can and do play both trans and cisgender characters.

OK, so a straight, a cisgender person cannot play a transgender person, right? But they're saying the opposite is possible. Well, what the fuck is it? I read a funny tweet. I'm sure it's not an original joke, but it's a good one where I hope the left is now outraged that a truly straight white male

took the role of all these female parts. I thought it was a good joke. Smoke's coming out of your ears. Do you not get the concept? Wait, say that whole thing again? They're angry because now it turns out a straight white male, because now she is a he

who's dating a woman, got the role of all these female parts and maybe even some homosexual parts so okay it's never mind i take it back it's a shitty joke not mine so um let's give that one also to what's his name from silicon valley so uh you know this concept right you know what it's called dead naming what's that okay so i've worked with um caitlin jenner a couple of times and you know one was on the roast where you know gloves were off and uh and so i would have conversations with her about it like you know because it's like so a dead naming is i'll look i'll read you the definition oh it's saying it can also be accidentally done by people who are otherwise supportive

of trans individuals. It's when you mention their old name, even mention it. Yeah. So that gets tricky when you're a celebrity. That's kind of like not recognizing Yugoslavia. Are you dead naming Yugoslavia. Are you dead naming Yugoslavia? In other words, you were a household name, even technically a brand name. You were a product name that was put on movie posters. You were a product that was used to sell things.

Your name was in contracts everywhere. So like Bruce, like here, here's a good example. The day that Caitlyn Jenner debuted, we were in a writer's room. The writing assistant called up Wikipedia and in Wikipedia, kind of like you mentioned in this on IMDb, it had already changed and it said Caitlyn Jenner won the gold medal in the Montreal 1976 Olympics. Yeah. In the men's decathlon. And that she won the men's decathlon.

Yeah. And I'm like, keep in mind, half the room I'm in with are, in my opinion, kind of snowflakey at that point already. We're in the middle of Hollywood, but I'm like, I don't care what your views are. I do care what your views are, but that's not true. We're talking about an historical event and the person that means if you're really going to go by that, that means those medals have to be taken away because a woman was not allowed to be in the men's decathlon. Yeah. And and again, like, you know, Rogan gets a lot of heat because he doesn't believe that transgender women or women that were born male should be allowed to compete in boxing and, you know, MMA fights because they literally fucking pummel the women.

And he got so much shit for holding that viewpoint when you got to say, you know, these women are born with a bigger bone structure, more testosterone, bigger fists. There's just physiological differences that allow them to kick the shit out of women. Yeah, and also, you are probably, and I think it's true in every case where this has happened, including in tennis, you were not good enough to compete on as equal a high, like, let's say it's the U.S. Open. You were not good enough to compete in the equal a high, like let's say it's the U S open. You were not

good enough to compete in the men's U S open. Yes. You're a great tennis player. Now you're going to be in huge tournaments and get sponsors as a woman. Like, no, that doesn't, that, that doesn't seem like it's very beneficial to you. Like, of course you have the absolute right to identify as a woman. Do you have the right to identify as a, as a, as a professional athlete now? Yeah. No, I don't think, I don't think it comes with it. Speaking of sponsors, uh, don't forget, uh, Blue Chew. You need a boner? Get some Blue Chew. Get some blue chip. Put in code papers. Go to bluechip.com. Promo code papers. Get a boner. Love it. They're good. Get a boner. Wait. Sorry. I am telling a lot of stories, but the very quick story, you know,

near me growing up was the transgender tennis player. That's why I brought that up. The first one. Uh, and the, and the very, the, the, the most famous I'd say transgender I'm stalling is I can't remember her name. So you knew I grew up with Renee. Renee Richards was in our kind of community when I was a teenager. Renee Richardsards is the first trans the first famous i'd say transgender was a doctor an eye doctor in new york very good tennis player socially as a man maybe played in college transgendered and then entered the women's professional circuit how did how'd she do she was she was good but then billy jean king i believe and chris everett refused to change in the dressing room with her and yes and then there were court cases and it was very famous anyway it's pretty fascinating and was one of the first

cases that tested this new understanding and there was really no precedence for it. So it's a fascinating case, but I will tell you, I was a high school tennis player and, you know, okay for high school. And we were in doubles and she was on the other side and she was very believable as a woman. Like I always refer to her as she, and without hesitation, I don't have to think about it. And, you know, her dog was on the court and was a bit of a pain. And she's like, think about it. And, you know, her dog was on the court and was a bit of a pain. And she's like, here, here, you know, go off the court and say, get off the, you know, like Sparky, get off the court. And she spoke in an effeminate way and carried her body also in an effeminate way. But when the dog wouldn't leave all of a sudden, she's like, ah,

she's like, Mike, can you just pull the fence open a little bit for me? And then she picked up a tennis ball and like a MLB catcher, fired the tennis ball by my head. It like whistled like I didn't even see the thing go by me. And the dog took off. Same thing. Same thing we're playing. She's down. She's serving.

She's down. Love 40. And we're like psyched. And this was like an important game to win. When I say I didn't even see the first serve and that gun had not come out earlier. It was like it was like a dainty toss. Here you go. Putting it in play. Obviously, there's, you know, incentive for her to keep the ball in place so she can play tennis, but not when down Love 40. When Love 40, a 6'3 men's really, really good serve came my way, and I didn't even move.

Yeah. Can we talk about the Belushi documentary? I talked about it on Fitz Dog Radio because I was given an advance to it by the marketing people for Belushi because they wanted me to talk about it on my podcast. And they sent me a Polaroid camera as a thank you. So I should say that as full disclosure. But besides that, one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. During it, I said to myself, this is very good. Because, boy, is it not flattering. Well, it's not flattering, but it's humanizing.

I think it is flattering. I disagree. I think it's very flattering. You know what I mean. It's like this could have been a celebration of the game changer that was John Belushi. Yes. I think it. But the amazing thing is the access they got.

I mean, Dan Aykroyd was so forthcoming and vulnerable, talking about how guilty he felt when John died because John had invited him out to California almost to help him, and he didn't go. And then the wife, Judy, was talking about how she had, she didn't officially separate from him, but she stayed on the East Coast to go to therapy to try to deal with her codependence with him at the time that he died. So she felt tremendous guilt. And they both talk about that in the film.

But it didn't really add up to me as much. No. Like you could do sessions over the phone. People were doing that then and like no i don't think it was just for the therapist i think she needed to be apart from him yeah yeah that's what i mean there's there's more there yeah yeah but it was uh it was very it showed his talent um you know it showed his process that he really did want to be a serious actor and god damn was he funny he was really really funny um but he's also like it's one of those things where you just have to take people's words for it when they describe charisma and and it is true like every photo they showed of even just people standing on stage at second city or his little improv

troupe that he put together like he he really did pop you know what i mean and like listen there there have been hundreds of years of fat guys playing the lead and like you know a lot of people say like you know then it was john candy and then they put zach alifianakis in that as well. It's like, yes, but all the names I just mentioned also have this X factor where they pop. Right. Jackie Gleason, Chris Farley. It's all you want to look at. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Right. And it's weird that that's called talent because that is part of their talent. So is their real acting and all that? But part of talent is charisma. Yeah. No, he had it. There's just certain things that are intangible. And you have so many people trying to be comedians today. And so many of them like they grew up in the suburbs. Their parents paid for college. They got out. They took classes at the UCB while their parents paid their rent. They've got nothing to say. They've got no life experience. It's interesting. And they're not really the guys or the girls that made everybody laugh in the cafeteria.

They just see it as this option now. It's almost like being a communications major to be a comedian these days. to be a comedian these days. And here's a guy who came from this immigrant background. His parents were first-generation. No, he was first-generation. They were immigrants. And his father fucking worked 17 hours a day at a diner. His mom was this overweight woman that cooked all the meals in front of a big pot.

He was embarrassed to have friends come over. He had a lot of weight issues, and he had a lot of charged things in his life that led to his comedy. And but there's just a natural thing about some people just have it or just that brilliantly funny. Do you I was picturing talking to you about this and you had not seen it. this and you had not seen it. And I was in my head, I was like, well, if Greg asked me what caused, what was the hole in his soul that caused this voracious addiction? Do you think the documentary fully explained that? I went to the immigrant parents just because that was the only thing that, that struck me as the cause of it. But I think fame just as much.

So I think at a, you know, at a certain point within two years, he went from obscurity to having the number one movie in the country, animal house, the number one album in the billboard charts, which was the blues brothers. And he was on the number one TV show, Saturday Night Live, all at the same time. And it was crushing. He was crushing. He lost his freedom. He felt like everybody wanted something from him. He couldn't be himself anymore. And I think he was a true artist who needed some space. I see some of that, although he was already well into the cocaine before that, you know, like in the even when Chevy was the star.

And I'm also wondering, they did spend a lot of time this, by the way, none of this spoils this documentary for you. for you. Um, they did spend a lot of time on his arrogance. Isn't the complete right word, but like, you know, he was SNL was beneath him. It wasn't a thing yet, by the way, but when he was interviewed, um, when they were launching SNL, like remember he even, he even talked about having the worst attitude ever when he went in there, But he had to be the alpha wherever he was. And I just think that there was something I don't know what it was, but, you know, a very disapproving father. And keep in mind, this whole career. Was outside of the restaurant, and I think he always felt shame and guilt about that. Outside of the family restaurant

that he was supposed to take over. Right, right, right. So I think he always had a judgmental father going on. But I wonder if there was abuse. There was obviously, I'm sure, a lot of shame. I was waiting to see in his diary, kind of like when you would... They show diaries very much like the Shanley documentary.

Yeah, I was just going to say like Shanley. And I'm like, I was waiting for more like I'm so ugly. I'm ugly inside and out. Like all that shame, you know what I mean? He was probably fat shamed, of course, you know, growing up and stuff. So I wonder what it was, but you know, what really struck me also about it was you're seeing like the epicenter of comedy for the next generation. Yeah. I mean, it's Bill Murray. It's all of SCTV. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's, I mean, it's unbuttoned and he really was, it's like, whether it's, you know know like coltrane or mingus who it's like no no no i you

that guy's the best drummer that guy's the best trumpet player that guy's the best and i'm and and he brought together the this funny generation i mean he really like without him it would be the butterfly effect it would be very interesting to see where comedy is right now like there's no ghostbusters without belushi right yeah right and he wasn't in it or had anything to do with it he was supposed to be in it right but like because there's no dan akroyd without belushi right oh absolutely there is but it's a different kind of akroyd yeah yeah it's not a cool akroyd akroyd was never cool and and john belushi made akroyd. Yeah, yeah. It's not a cool Ackroyd. Ackroyd was never cool, and John Belushi made Ackroyd cool. All right, let's get to a couple notes. We were talking about perfect movies. You had seen Silence of the Lambs. No, you had seen- Cuckoo's Nest. Which one?

Oh, yeah, one from the Cuckoo's Nest. We talked about perfect movies. We solicited your suggestions, We talked about perfect movies. We solicited your suggestions. And Nate said, I believe that Hell or High Water is a perfect movie. To me, it has it all. Robbing banks, complicated family dynamics, sticking it to the man. Chris Pine is great. Jeff Bridges is great.

Ben Foster is great. Didn't see it? It's now on my list. Have you seen it? I saw it. You know, Nate's right. It's very, very good. And that year, it didn't get a lot of attention, and it made every critics list of one you should see.

Really? Okay. Yeah. So there's that. And then we've got Patterns by Rod Serling is what Eddie Fallis says. Every scene progresses. The themes and characters grow. No fat on this movie whatsoever.

Didn't see it. I am totally going to see that because that's the thing about Serling and Twilight Zone. Just the economy and the efficiency of the storytelling. It's I mean, especially in Twilight Zone, is just amazing. Yeah. And then we have Rob, who I'm going to see. Rob's a big fan of the show. He's written songs for us.

His girlfriend has done art for us. He's in Phoenix. I'm going to meet him for the first time when I do some shows there in January. You think you're doing shows in January? In Phoenix, no less. By the way, you're not doing shows in January, but go on. He says, true romance. I agree with that.

Alien. I agree with that. Alien's amazing. And he says, killer clowns from outer space. I didn't see it. I've always heard of it. And I've probably seen parts of it. Based on his-

Hey, True Romance. Was True Romance written by Tarantino? Yes. Yeah. And then Alien, I don't know if it holds up. I think it's very slow for people of this generation. I'll have to say, have you shown it to the girls? I did. I watched it with olivia and she really liked it i think it does hold up now part of the reason i think it holds up is this was probably a year and a half ago and it's just

such a strong female character yeah and this was at the time where Me Too was just about starting. So I think it had an extra bit of resonation with her. Yeah. Okay. But I felt it held up. I mean, listen, man,

it's Ridley Scott. Yeah. It holds up. Right. All right. Let's get to some sports. sports bad news for mike last week tampa bay fucking squeaks it by the point spread kansas you didn't even know i had to inform you i know kansas city beat tampa bay by three but the point spread i thought the point spread was three, and it was a push.

You're telling me it was three and a half. In fact, that gives me $50. It sure does. This week is a bye week, and so they have the week off to rest, which doesn't bode well for you the week after, because they're going to be rested and full of COVID. Tampa. We also had 50 bucks on Tyson versus Jones Jr. That is a push, ended in a draw. Yeah, and apparently the winner of the night was Snoop Dogg. Did you hear about that?

No. Snoop Dogg called the fight. He also performed a little before it, and I think he might have smoked pot on camera while calling the fight. He also performed a little before it, and I think he might have smoked pot on camera while calling the fight. That's amazing. And so I just grabbed a I didn't see it, but I went online. I had heard

about it, and I grabbed a couple of things. So at one point at one point he goes, I guess Tyson was up against Roy Jones' ear, and he goes, I guess Tyson was up against Roy Jones a year. And he goes, oh, Lord, don't let him have a flashback. And then another one, they're in the corner and the trainer goes to Jones, frustrate him.

And Snoop goes, do we really want to frustrate him? hoop goes, do we really want to frustrate them? But, but the best was they're, they're added in the middle of the ring and they're really exchanging blows. By the way, apparently it was a real fight. Yeah. I heard it was good. I heard it was good. I heard it was, you know, of course you handicap it for the, you know, the, that they're in their fifties, but they were really slugging it out. And apparently it was very good, but they're slugging on the middle. And he goes, this shit is like, this shit is like two of my uncles fighting at the barbecue.

And then later, another round, he's like later at another round, he's like, grandma, they out there fighting again. It's so great. I mean, I am 100% getting the next pay-per-view if Snoop's announcing.

Yeah. Yeah, he earned his money. So there's all this talk that they want him in MMA. They want him everywhere. All right, we're going to skip science and business and go straight to this day in history oh this was big this was big 1969 december 6th altamont a new music festival in northern california was the brainchild of the

rolling stones who hoped to cap off their u.s tour in late 1969 with a concert that would be the west coast equivalent of woodstock unlike woodstock however which was the result of months of careful planning by a team of well-funded organizers, Altamont was a largely improvised affair that did not even have a definite venue arranged just days before the event. It was Santana, Jefferson Airplane, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, the Grateful Dead.

The problem is they hired several dozen members of the Hells Angels as informal security, paying them $ hundred dollars worth of beer uh so it was dark before the time of the concert's next so the the stones are going to close it out the grateful dead are the next to last act and uh the dead had left the venue entirely out of concern for their safety when they learned that jefferson airplane singer marty ballen had been knocked unconscious by one of the hell's angels in a melee during the band's performance it was during the stones set however that a 21 year old hell's angel named alan passaro

stabbed a gun-wielding 18 year old named meredith hunter to death just 20 feet in front of the stage unaware of what had just occurred the rolling stones completed their set without further incident bringing an end to a tumultuous day that saw three accidental deaths and four live births how Woodstock had more than that. No. Yeah. Who in their right mind is like, my water may break any second. I'm going to go in the middle of a mud field. I know. To a concert. That was the 60s, man. That was the 60s.

That seems like a high number. The documentary Gimme Shelter by the Maisleys. Maisleys Brothers? Yeah. So, well, did you ever number the documentary gimme shelter by the uh masley's masley's brother so well did you ever see the documentary oh yeah yeah it's amazing so you know this meredith hunter is a black kid um so there was also right that and i think was it that he allegedly had a gun? Yeah, it was not proved. But he got freed. The guy was let off. They called it defense. They must have found the gun because they called it self-defense

and the guy walked. Yeah, but it was a total shit show in this documentary. If you haven't seen Gimme Shelter, it's great. It's great. It's unbelievable. And then there's also a documentary

about uh muscle shoals the uh the studio down in no that's one of my favorite documentaries of all time i think they deal there with the stones were recording an album there when they planned altamont and they showed how fucking casual it was they decided last minute that they wanted to do this there was something about the stones couldn't tour there was something to do with their visas or a drug bust or something was a drug bust yes yeah so their tour got shut down early and uh and so they threw this concert together and uh yeah there's it's i think i have that that right and they were they recorded one of their seminal albums down there where's muscle shawls alabama or something it is in alabama it's if you have not seen this documentary it there's also a personal story in it of the owner but the amount of music i mean mean, that's where Freebird was hatched.

And it's like, and Aretha Franklin's career was just about to disappear. She had not made it yet. And then this white guy in muscle shoals, all of a sudden just dun done done like in a frustrated break just started playing these tunes what's that to you're no good i think and aretha's like like aretha like who's an amazing piano player in her own right jumps on it. And it's so that pressing the piano key in that moment created what we know as Aretha Franklin so much that they recorded it there. It was great. Her manager then brings her back up to New York. And then to, to the credit, I guess, of Aretha and everything was

like, we're sending down for those musicians, bring those boys up to New York. And that's what happened. Yeah. Right. Anyway, there's a million stories. Also the birth of Southern rock with Dwayne Allman's my favorite part of that whole story. But anyway, see the documentary. Yeah. And, uh, Otis Redding, Dylan recorded there. Uh, everybody. It was like the wall of sound. It was like they had a sound that came out of there. They also said it was like something spiritual. Like, you know, they spent a lot of time saying, like, it's in the waters.

You know, there's a river that runs nearby. And there's just something very magical about this rundown, rather nondescript recording studio. And that you would go all the way, like that Aretha Franklin would leave Detroit and New York to go down there. You know what I mean? Like it's all, and at the Stones, you know, they had heard about it, you know? And so they went there. And I think they did,

I think they did part of the Gimme Shelter in there, I believe as well, the song. But anyway, those documentary brothers who did The Maisels, I think they're called, did Gimme Shelter. A few years later, they did Grey Gardens. Have you seen that yet? Oh, yeah. Well, I saw, no, I saw the spoof of it on Documentary Now.

I never saw the actual documentary. Here's the thing. They tried to think of the craziest things ever to spoof it. It may not have out crazy the original. Yeah. So at the beginning of the pandemic, I'm like, I'm going to see all the greatest documentaries, you know? And so every list you look up, Grey Gardens is in the top 10. Yeah. You should watch it with the family. Yeah. Sticky Fingers was recorded at Muscle Shoals. Let's get to some mail.

This one from... You ready for this? Joanne. The real Joanne sent, just wanted to wish my boyfriends a happy holiday. What? How about that? How about that how about that oh i mean it's so weird because so many different joannes have texted us or emailed us since she

started so it's nice to come around full circle and see she's finally gotten back in touch with us and i think implicit in that is she has a, it's sweet. She has a crush on her boyfriend still. Sometimes you have a crush on someone, they become your boyfriend. Yeah. And then, and then you no longer have a crush on them. Right. They're your boyfriend.

This comes from Jane O'Keefe. Hey, Greg, just wanted to make sure that you and Mike know that due to his relocation from New York after January 20th, you can officially call Trump Florida man. Thanks. I like it. Yeah. John Gomes says you guys were saying how you guys you guys were saying how you guys have never seen a girl masturbating in public on the last show. seen a girl masturbating in public on the last show watch this video did you watch the video few times it is a girl and it's gotta be florida and she is on top of a car in traffic and she is completely naked and she is masturbating and she appears to be not that fucked up. It was so weird. And there was like people watching and cheering. And like, I think a cop came and told her to get off the car.

And she was kind of attractive too. She was very attractive. It was hard for me to tease out. Is she, is she legitimately attractive or is it just, I'm attracted to the things she's doing right now? No, no.

She had a beautiful body. Her choices. If you want to see it, don't ask us. By the way, go to sundaypapers.com if you want to see any of the cartoons we're talking about, our logos, you can download the show. We link to different sponsors and different people that we like on the show. If you Google woman masturbating on car, I wonder how many results you get.

Chris, you've done it. This one comes from Augur Jacques, longtime listener and fan. If Gibbons ever wants to tell his wisdom tooth story on the show, that would be terrific. Best dentist story I've ever heard. Also, Andy Kindler is a joy and needs to continue his participation in Sunday Papers. Stay safe and classy.

So everybody who hated Kindler on here now is like, oh, this story is going to suck. I'm not telling it now. But, yeah, we'll tell the dentist story. When was the last time? I haven't been to the dentist since pre-pandemic. I have to line one up now. I think you can go, but I got to make an appointment. It's been a while. By the way, I do want to say we got a letter from someone who said not to read it on air, but it was very touching. Do you know what I'm referring to?

Yeah. So it was about a guy masturbating on a motorcycle. No, I'm kidding. He's just, it's not going well in this pandemic for him. And I just think that we do get a bunch of letters like that. And that's very, I'm so sorry to hear that. And I think you're giving us way too much credit that we're a bright spot and all that. But listen, I guess I won't deflect too much. I'm happy we can help at all. And I'm just, I guess I bring it up to say, I am so sorry for everyone out there who's really hurting. you know, who's really hurting. We kind of make fun of the news, which includes trying to find the light side of this virus. And we're all, we are well aware that for many people, there is no

light side of this virus and there's no light side of this pandemic and lockdown. So hang in there. Those of you who are hurting and, you know, hopefully we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, you know, later this spring, I guess. Yeah, it seems like we're in for some very hard times. This is the second wave they've been talking about. Deaths are up like double. And for people that have young kids and are both trying to work a job, it's really tough and even tougher for people that have no jobs. And we don't know when it's going to end. So that's the hardest part is you can't say, well, I've got this amount of money.

I can make it stretch for these three months until it ends. It's just, it's this unknown and I think it's very existential and it causes a lot of depression. And, uh, thank God we've got the obituaries to cheer people up. Here it is.

And that's all, folks. Tony Hesse, I don't know how to say it because it is Asian. He founded Zappos. Listen to this. Listen to this guy's life story. You know, we talk about Teddy Errico skating as the New Jersey Devil after graduating.

This guy got out of harvard and he founded link exchange almost immediately it was an early internet advertising network in 88 two and a half years after he founded it which was he stole it by the way he stole it for how funny if he stole that from the winklevoss brothers at Harvard? So this guy's three years out of college. He sells his company to Microsoft for $265 million. He then founded Venture Frogs, which was an incubator that started Ask Jeeves, Open Table, and Zappos. What? Yes. And he got it off the ground in 99, and in 2000, he became Zappos' CEO,

built a business about customer service, making customers feel good, became known for his corporate culture, offering good compensations, though he insisted on a small salary for himself. He introduced a new structure for Zappos employees that he called holacracy, eliminating the hierarchy and doing away with bosses and supervisors in favor of employees' self-governance. Isn't that amazing?

Yeah. He retired in 2020. Yeah, he sold—Am Amazon bought Zappos. But, so anyway, if you want to do something in lieu of flowers, he asked that you send size 10 Nikes to the funeral home in Santa Barbara. How did he die? Certainly not from running away from something, because he would have gotten so far ahead of whatever the danger was.

Maybe smothered in cash from just rolling in it on his bed. What a guy. Jesus. All right, let's do the funnies. First of all, we get a letter from a guy named sean i was really into drawing as a kid and my father once took me to an event at the cartoon museum of art when i was around 10 i shook hands with both mort walker who did beetle bailey and dick brown who did ha, both of whom were sloppy and smelled like old overhauled and certs. They signed a napkin or something my dad had in his pocket. So great that it meant that much to you that you had something prepared for him to sign.

Hey, here's here's a snot rag. My dad's got his pockets got jizz on it. You mind? You mind? OK. All right. First one. You mind? You mind? Okay. All right, first one. Speaking of Mort Walker, here's a Beatle Bailey for you. It is our favorite general, General fucking Me Too,

who says he's looking at his speech at his desk. When I make this speech, I must remember not to say well so much. It makes me sound stupid. In walks the unattractive sergeant who works for the general, and she's got with her Ms. Buxley, who has on a leopard-skin halter top, Daisy Duke shorts with killer legs, and I have to say, beautiful arms.

And she says, General, while I'm on leave, Miss Buxley here will take over for me. And the general goes, well, well, well. While leaning on his desk and staring at her. Well, well, well. Okay, those shorts, just to give the listeners an idea, desk and staring at her. Well, well, well. Okay. Those shorts, just to give the listeners an idea, we're seeing it from the front. They're above the thigh.

They're above the vagina. I was going to say easily the back of that is above the asshole. Yeah. There's no doubt. And she's got slits for eyes, making her look kind of dumb and blonde probably drugged well well well well well well a weak one in the herd let's get over to hagger who is also a big fan of women and his wife olga helga she's holding an iron she says says, I've been ironing clothes. He's sitting on an armchair with his hands crossed across his chest, leaning back.

She says, I've been ironing clothes, washing windows, scrubbing floors, and you just sit there waiting for me to bring you a snack. What does that say about you? And Hager kicks back and he goes, I'm patient. Hell yeah. Hell. Now, we can excuse this. It's one thing when, like, you know, on the Lockhorns, when Leroy is like this. This is back in, what, the 1400s? When do you think Hager took place?

It looks like 1970 from the drawing from the chair he's sitting in. He's in a lazy boy. But you can excuse his behavior. He's not raping her. He's not beating her. This is a good day for Helga. I'd say. Now, this is a little breaking it down a little bit.

Okay. There's no effort made to draw a room or a background. No. It looks like they're in a green screen studio. He's just in a chair sitting. It's almost like he's in heaven. And she comes up. So there's no effort there.

The whole background, like a green screen changes color yeah when she yells also there it just seems like it's either like very artsy or lazy and then they're also both wearing their viking helmets yeah at home talking about talking about laundry yeah i think you got to be ready for an invasion at any second whether you're doing laundry or ironing you know the mongols could show up at any second you get that call i always wear a helmet during those times um let's get to the lockhorns which i i do the lockhorns once in a while because it is a great fucking comic strip. It's so well written. It's so goddamn funny. The guy's name is Hostess Reiner, something Reiner.

So on the wall, Dr. Pullman, marriage counselor. There's a counselor. He's sitting, he's cross-legged taking notes. He's got a beard. And the sitting. He's cross-legged, taking notes. He's got a beard. And the Lockhorns are on the other side of the desk. They're in marriage counseling. And Leroy says, well, being a disabler isn't good either. That's a great joke. That's a great joke.

It's got a punchline. It takes a little bit of work. You have to know that enabler is something that might come up. It's fucking funny. All right, here's the second one. You have to know that enabler is something that might come up. It's fucking funny. All right, here's the second one. I have a second and a third one. Leroy is looking at Loretta and he goes, of course I remember Loretta.

I've got a memory like one of those big gray animals with the trunk. Next one is Leroy is sitting on the chair he's reading a magazine loretta is grousing to her friend as they walk out with pocketbooks she says i wish i had a nickel for every time leroy said he didn't have two nickels to rub together it's just funny it's just that's what i want it's the end of news. I've just read about some fucking genocide and some sub-Saharan African village and, you know, the Dow is down or whatever. And then I get a couple of fucking chuckles, even if it's just a smile.

But I'll give you a chuckle with the fucking lockhorns, which leads us right to the family... What's that? Oh, yeah, don't worry. The family circus the family. What's that? Oh, yeah. Don't worry. The family circus can wait. The memory one reminds me. Remember that joke about the guy using mnemonic device?

No. I don't remember how it goes, but I'm just going to wing it. Two old guys in a retirement home. And the guy goes, I got this new memory program. It's incredible. Because my memory is going. Frank, your memory is going. He's like, and it's this new thing. You use a mnemonic device. It's amazing. He's like,

how does it work? He's like, ah, he's like, what's the name? He's in my ear. He goes, my memory's back. He's like, it's better than ever. And he's like, he's like, how does it work? And he's like, oh, what, what the hell is it? It's a flower. Uh, it's a flower. It be, and it begins with an R and the guy's looking i'm like rose he's like that's it and he's like rose what's that new memory program i'm using that's fucking great i love that one that's fantastic okay i guess mike you really set you really set up family circus to fail after that joke oh I think the Keens have taken care of the setting up family circus to fail

so when I saw this one it's two kids all bundled up in their hats and their scarves and they're in church and you can see Christmas trees does church have Christmas trees? Nope. I guess I don't, I don't remember seeing them in there because that's a very pagan ritual.

Anyway, they're looking up at the stained glass window and the stained glass window has an angel blowing his horn. And, uh, one stupid kid says to the other one, that angel's name is Harold. to the other one, that angel's name is Harold. Now, when I first saw it, I kind of chuckled because I thought this is kind of random. And it occurred to me maybe just by like, maybe he didn't have time. He was so late for the golf course that day when he was trying to create an unfunny cartoon that he didn't even have time to make the lamest effort. And he just wrote this, but it kind of made me laugh. But no, I don't think that's what's going on. Do you know what he was trying to get out at this? Yeah, Hark the Herald Angels Sing.

That wasn't obvious to me immediately. So now it's just back to being a piece of shit. Yeah, it was something that he heard the song, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, and he said, Herald sounds like Harold. Let me work backwards from that, which took less than three seconds. I don't even think he does the art.

That's the thing about Jeff Keen. I believe there's an illustrator. He just thinks of the clever joke that Harold and Harold are close. And let's this guy do the heavy lifting. I then looked up that song because eventually I got it. Cause I'm like, no way this can't just be purely.

Cause I think two kids and one kid's trying to sort of act like more knowledgeable and showing the kid, the ropes like, Hey, by the way, that angel's name was Harold. Like, I think that's kind of funny.

And then I'm like, wait a minute, something's wrong because this doesn't make me laugh. And sure enough, no, it's a dumb kid turning Harold into Harold. But I did look up the song and that's a really kind of kick ass song musically. Oh, yeah. And it it reminds me of like kind of like the Elton John. musically. And it, it reminds me of like, kind of like the Elton John. I think, you know, the guy that wrote Benny and the Jets, it's like, you're handing off a rather pedestrian lyric, you know, lyrics to a genius. And he comes back with don't let the sun go down. I mean, like, in other words, he just, these amazing songs, um, musically. I think the same thing here.

Like, I think this was probably like almost an angry song. Like, hark, the herald angels sing. Glory to the newborn king. Peace on earth and mercy mild. God and sinners reconciled. And meanwhile, it comes back like, hark. It comes back all catchy. I think the writer was probably like, no, no.

This is an intense song. Christ by highest heaven adored. Christ the everlasting Lord. He's like, Christ the... No, it's not joyful. Well, I think that goes back to my song I listened to on the way to the office. What if it was, tonight's the night. It's going to be all right.

Spread your wings and let me come inside spread your wings and let me come inside i mean listen to these veiled in flesh the godhead see hall the incarnate deity. Hail, not haul. Sorry, it's a very small print. You sure it's not hile? Hail the heaven-born prince of peace. Hail the son of righteousness. It is always weird how the Catholic church is always trying to get you to fucking hail and obey and worship what an insecure god they created

glory to the newborn king yeah it's very defensive all right what do we got jesus christ i gotta tell you something. Once in a while, Blondie really shows me something. And I think there's sort of like a postmodern Blondie that started in like the aughts. And she's starting to realize the power structure is off. And she's calling him on it. So Dagwood Bumstead, bum, is sitting in a chair with his legs crossed reading the paper boy this guy the amount of time he reads the paper

he must be the slowest fucking reader and she says honey did we just have a heated discussion and he goes that depends on your definition of heated discussion dear and she goes a heated discussion

is one that causes dinner to be a plate of cold cuts dagwood slumps down and goes in that case it was not even close to being a heated discussion and she goes well played dear did keen write this yeah no there's no punch line i think it's really about blondie taking back this fucking house and i'm hoping it's a trend i'm hoping the book because you first of all you don't see her she's from behind you can see the back of her lot her golden locks and she seems to be like doing a sudoku or something. And I think it's really a statement. She's got her back to Dag. She's not standing with a pot in her hand, asking what he wants for dinner.

She's fucking, she's telling him, you just lost that argument. Correct? Put your fucking tail down, slump in that chair, bitch. And there's no wordplay on heated and hot dinner being reduced to cold cuts? There isn't. I don't think so. Seems confusing.

Yeah. Anyway, we go out on a confusing note as we finish our longest Sunday papers in history, two hours and ten minutes, minus a couple small edits, and flew by, didn't it? It did fly by, actually. Normally, as the listeners can attest, it drags. What? Based on looking at how those fucking numbers drop off on the Libsyn site.

How many depressed listeners just called it quits this week this couldn't even be their ray of light hey uh assuming that the covet doesn't get too bad i've got some dates coming up january 21 through 23 in phoenix january 28th through 30th in kansas city then we got february 18th through 20th in Portland and Sacramento on March 11th through 13th. Get your tickets at the old FitzDawg.com site. You can get links to all the tickets. And that's it. Hey, maybe at some point after this, we would do, don't people do these live? Well, we've done one before, a live podcast. Oh, yeah. Wait, where't people do these live um well we've done one before a live podcast oh yeah wait where did we do a live podcast we did one in uh it was far away in hollywood

it was at a bar on labrea and um we did in the back of the room but no no i like just joined you it was years ago oh it was it was a Fitz Dog Radio. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that. We had, was Maria Bamford on the show? She is one of my favorites. She was the guest, yes.

Yeah, she was great. Got to get her back. I got some good guests coming up on Fitz Dog Radio. We've got Paul Scheer on this week. And then TJ Miller is coming on this week. And then T.J. Miller is coming on. As well as Nick Swartzen and a plethora of other white men. Mike, enjoy the rest of your day, and we'll see you in a week. Everybody take it easy out there.

These numbers are only going to get worse. Yeah, take it slow. Be safe. Realize that the safer you are, sooner this lasts god bless america take it take it Hear the news with Greg and Mike Although they rarely get it right It's Sunday Papers So book the haters Don't put them if you testify

They're certainly unqualified Read about it Yeah!