Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 41 12/13/20

Episode Date: December 13, 2020

This week we talk about cracking the Zodiak Killer’s code, hunting for whale vomit and Marines taking LSD. Did Tom Brady take a $1M PPP loan after buying a $2M yacht? Yup.

Welcome to Sunday Papers, I've got a show with Greg and Mike. Sunday Papers sorts it out. Sunday Papers podcast show with Greg and Mike. It's good stuff. Read all about it! Read all about it! Vaccines here, they're using it in England. When will it be here in New York City?

In the Bowery where I'm a paper boy. So two seconds ago, you're like, that's what you're going to wear. This is fun for the podcast listeners who can't see us. But you look like a special grammar school boy who's dressing in Garanimals right now. And you look like you're going to a madness concert at CBGB, but you're underage and from the suburbs. I just, look at me, I just woke, I didn't just wake up, but I rolled out of bed and prepped for this

by looking at the depressing news stories, and that's it, here I am. Walk me through your hair grooming process like what do you do for your hair yeah i don't do a lot at all do you have a brush or a comb or something i don't do that usually but get this my hair's falling out like more than usual actually it doesn't fall out this has been been a, this is a long, slow losing battle, but I think I told you recently I went on Accutane. What's that? All the kids out there know what it is. It's a, it's an acne medication. I'm not taking it for that. I've gotten this

thing. It's, it's nice. I segued from acne into rosacea. So get these cysts I get these cysts under my you had a great joke about that what was that about you know so my hair is falling out but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne so physically it's all really coming together for me right now yeah so anyway the rosacea will bring on these cysts that start underneath the surface. It's gross. I won't go into it. And it turns out after you've tried a bunch of creams and all that stuff, Accutane is the way to go. So here I am in my fifties on Accutane. Okay. I had no side effects when I was on Accutane in my twenties. So I go on this hike halfway through the hike. I'm fucking

dying. Like my body is aching like i start limping and i'm like what the hell is going on anyway i read the side effects and it said there can be significant muscle and bone ache did you know bones ache no i know when you get bone cancer they ache oh god no i uh i've always heard the saying i thought it was a saying like oh my achy bones my tired bones you know and all that stuff and uh bones absolutely ache i did not know that and holy shit i couldn't even walk at the end of this thought maybe it was massive dehydration like i couldn't imagine what it was. And then I look it up and there are the symptoms. So I was relieved.

But it also, hair falls out. So that's cool. Can't win. You can win. Once you're past 50, you can win. Yeah, but the key is, Mike, just make a ton of money. You're in Hollywood. Nobody gives a fuck what you look like.

They care about what you drive, what your job title is. If you can focus on that, you can let the rest of it go. Yeah. Get a sick car, but don't open the sunroof. My hair will blow off. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Make money. All right. Good, good, good advice. That's what I'll do now. I'll start this week. Shout out to Josh Pryor for that song. No, was it Josh Pryor? No, it was Jim Tripp. Jim Tripp did the song. It was trippy as always. He submitted a couple songs. I believe he may have people in his basement.

I'm not positive, but based on his music. Do you mean a band or you mean slaves? He may get the slaves to play music. I'm not sure. But they're in the basement. Backup singers with ball gags? Yeah. I mean, is it a doo-wop band or are they screaming back there?

You can't really tell. Also, we want to thank the logo is from, I'll have to say it next week. I seem to have lost. I like it because it kind of looks Christmassy. It's very Christmassy. It's us with tigers. Not that white tigers mean Christmas to me, but they do. It could be James Wodicek.

I'm not sure. He sends a lot in. Corrections. We usually shoot the shit before we get into the paper but let's just get into the paper so we don't go for two hours we're gonna talk about the big news and we're gonna catch up on what we've watched and uh yeah you haven't traveled uh yeah let's just get into it all right so uh corrections you had some. Oh, yeah, go ahead. Never mind. Hope you guys can find your way to Oz one day.

I guess that's Australia. Where Mike will need to pronounce it E-M-U, not E-M-U. Small correction. Sorry for being a dick. Herbert Hodgson. Or is it Hodgson? Right, exactly. It's Herbert uh that's good I I definitely went with Emu he got me there the crime rate dropped across the board 18 to 19 years after Roe v Wade was passed that reason got debunked but I don't care it coinc coincidentally lines up. And that debunking was in my dumb opinion. So that's from Mark, who's in Maryland. You know, I did some research into this because I guess we mentioned last week that that was we were talking about.

I think the crime rates going down in New York City and that it wasn't really all Giuliani's fault. Not at all. The trend started before him. But that was a theory that was put out, among other places, it was put out by Malcolm Gladwell. And it is debunked. It turns out there were a lot of other factors that led to crime dipping. And also, they found that the crime rate was dipping with older criminals, not the ones that would have been aging into it. Uh, they're saying most crime takes place people between 18 and 25.

I think we should just put all people between 18 and 25 in jail. Nothing good happens from those people. I, you see, this is where I'm smarter than Gladwell and all that. Did they look at the fucking, uh, parents of the, the who would have had 18 to 19 year old kids and the crimes that they were committing? And now they have less pressure because they don't have some kid who feels unwanted that they have to put.

And also you have to put them in school or at least feed them and clothe them. Now, I mean, it's all totally logical, which is Malcolm Gladwell's thing, but it doesn't line up with statistics from other places like in Sweden, where they also had crime rates drop, not drop, after abortion had been decriminalized 18 years before. Gotcha. That's from Jon Favre favaro we love that guy yeah oh no that was from mark this is from john favaro tonight's the night the song never mentions the girl's age interesting that you made her 16 hmm is that real is that right i i don't

know why i thought she was 16 but if you listen listen, and first of all, that song fucking holds up. It's one of those songs that I don't change. Freebird, don't change the channel ever. Really? Oh, yeah. I still listen to Freebird beginning to end every time, and I listen to Tonight's the Night every time. They're just masterpieces. Listen to Tonight's the Night every time.

They're just masterpieces. So Freebird, I turned off the radio for, I don't know, 35 years, something like that. Whenever it would come on, it was, you know, same with Stairway to Heaven, right? But Freebird, I would just like, you know, it's like, you know, it's a lot. And it just was cliche, I felt. And I had heard it so much. And then I heard someone, it might have been the been the muscle shoals documentary they got me back into it and uh but i then after not hearing the song for over oh i know what it was

i watched one of those youtube videos of a first listen yeah so it's this i saw that one i saw that one that inner city guy the black guy yeah he goes fucking crazy yeah and i'm trying to is he baltimore i forget what city he's from and he listens to freebird and his i mean that's why you watch them if you ever have that oh my god i wish i had at this point i'd never heard radiohead and was hearing them for the first time you know so that's you live vicariously through these first listens and they're called reaction videos. His reaction to Freebird, because Freebird man builds, but, and he even said at one point, he's like, is that two dudes playing guitar? But the best line was he's cut, he's, he's really

astute in breaking it down. And he goes, at one point he pauses it, and he's like, man, I don't know what that girl did to you in that relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the guy, you know, they're ecstatic that he's a free bird now, just wailing. He's like, he's saying he's just got to be alone. He's got to be alone. He's saying it.

But I took an unironic listen to the jam at the end of Freebird, and it's lunacy. It's lunacy, yeah. It's really unbelievable. Yeah, there's moments in music where it's just transcendent or something like Jimi Hendrix's lead in All Along the Watchtower. It's just there's things where it still takes me away every time I listen to it.

Now, I can't, if I tune in and the guitar jam is happening, I got to turn it off because I didn't take the ride from the beginning. And I can't engage halfway through. I got to start at the beginning. And when you're listening to the jam, you're like, and that's what he did in that reaction video. It's like, well, where could they go from here? Because you because you're at 10 you're literally like and all of a sudden it's

like you found an 11 yeah and then they find a 12 yeah yeah yeah um but it was really great you know the best uh i if i was more literate and well read i would have known this my whole life, but a great term to use when when when basically critiquing art or anything like that. Like you just said, like with you, like that with Jimi Hendrix. Turn up. That it that it feels inevitable. It felt inevitable. Like it was that it was this was going to happen. It was in the ether.

It just took this artist to then show it to us or to play it for us. Right. Like the song yesterday, like how was that not around for millennia? Yeah. You know, maybe a bad example, but you know what I mean? Yeah. I think you get it from, um, you know, music movements that are happening that are started with somebody new you know when you when you hear the ramones and you just go like how did a two minute and 20 second song with power chords uh about that's that's that that's taking from what happened before it's taking from surf music and it's just it's making it's taking it the energy of it and it's like you said taking it to an 11 and a 12 um all right so let's

get to uh most important thing today my dates i i don't know what i'm doing i don't know what i'm doing mike but i haven't made much money i mean mean, the podcast, we make some money, but I need to make some real money because I got two kids. One's in college. One's starting next year. I'm going on the road. And here's my dates. So your first three dates, which you're about to list, are in states that just sued, that

just tried to have the Supreme Court hear their case to put Trump in for another four years. Go ahead. And don't think my material won't reflect that. I will have on a MAGA hat. I will be in Indianapolis at Helium, January 7th through the 9th. Phoenix, January 21st through 24th. Kansas City, January 28th through the 30th. Phoenix, January 21st through 24th. Kansas City, January 28th

through the 30th. And then in February, I'll be at Portland at Helium. And then Sacramento Punchline in March. Oh, that one you're going to drive to. Oh, yeah. You want to come up and do some time? You should also drive. Maybe we

should drive to Portland. Drive to Portland. You can do sets on it. It is my second favorite club in the country. The crowds are amazing. My special, which is if you can watch on Instagram, go to my Instagram account, and I'm putting out excerpts from my one-hour special two minutes at a time.

It's the only place you can see it. No. It was taped there in Portland. I see them on there. Yeah, they're blowing up. It's the only place you can see it. No. It was taped there in Portland. And they're doing quite well. I see them on there. Yeah, they're blowing up. It's crazy. It's crazy, Mike. It's the new HBO.

It's the new HBO. So could we do this podcast on a Saturday night? Yes, that's a great idea. You think people would come see it? I do. I think people would come. We'll do it like a Saturday at like 5 o'clock or 4 o'clock.

And, you know, we'll get people. What I'll do is I'll say Thursday and Friday I'll say, if you buy a ticket to the stand-up show, bring it and you can get into the podcast for free. I don't know how I'd get my closet up there, but, you know, once you have a why,

all the hows fall into place. Mike will be coming out of the closet. Oh, I don't know about that. Are we ready? Wait, did you finish all your dates? Oh, yeah, and then I'm going to be in Raleigh, North Carolina, and then San Francisco in April. I mean, look, who knows?

Like you said, most of these will be canceled, but the ones that aren't, I'll be there. But this, what a segue. Maybe none of them will be canceled because there's a vaccine. Let's do it. Front page. The vaccine is here.

Holy shit, it's here. We hesitated doing this as the lead story because we don't have a lot of jokes on it, but we thought we'd be remiss. So immediately what we want to start doing is poking holes in it. The Pfizer chairman came out with one of the most asked questions, and

sure enough, they are not sure if someone can transmit the virus after they're vaccinated. And that basically means people can totally transmit the virus. Because do you know how hard before they had the press conference, they tried to find a way to say, no, you can't transmit it once you get the vaccine? Like, well, that's so much of their effort was on that question. This is like therapy to me. Like, my parents, and my mom listens to the podcast,

so I got to be careful what I say. My parents, they tried their best. They started parenting at a young age. And I feel like there were things that could have been done better. So I went to- Is this where you plug your book? So I went to a lot of therapy. I grew, I developed, and then I had my own kids.

And I said, now I'm better. But then I noticed my parenting goes right back to what my parents did. Shame-based, guilt-ridden parenting. And I do it to my own kids. And that's like the vaccine. Yeah, you might get cured, but you're still going to pass it on. Yeah, totally.

The UK became the first country, obviously, to prove it. And now I guess it's rolling out here on Monday. There's all these questions on, you know, how it can be rolled out. And then there's also the refrigeration temperatures and all that stuff. And then another thing, though, the Pfizer one has to be administered in two doses a few weeks apart. And then there's huge questions, which actually haven't gotten a lot of press yet about who can't take the vaccine.

And apparently, if you're sick or immunocompromised, there may be certain scenarios where you can't take it. So a lot of people have viewed this as, well, those should be the first people that get it. And that might not be happening. that get it and that might not be happening and then yeah it leads to even say everyone can take it who are the first that are going to get it well who would you pick if you if you could put your list and i'm not saying don't be utilitarian don't be a fucking martyr. Who would you, for your own needs in life, who would you give it to first and next and next? Ellen DeGeneres. Yes, that was the first one on my list as well.

Number one. Because the world needs to dance and have a little fun today. Did you see her put her hands all over Billie Eilish, by the way? No. Billie Eilish was on the show. She was touching her legs and her arms she just kept doing it it was crazy and uh and then i wouldn't give it to anyone else in case ellen needs another round of it that's right and then you gotta give it to her dj because the

rapport the interracial rapport america needs that right now. Yeah, I think so. No, seriously, who would I give it to? Um, I don't know. I would give it, I would give it to comedians because we have to go on the road. Right. Yeah, of course. Of course. Massage therapists, talk therapists, physical therapists, all the people that help me get through the day. I'd give it to you. I'd give it to you because Sunday Papers has to keep going. So podcasters. Thank you.

Yeah, and I have to travel to Sacramento with you maybe. No, Portland. Oh, I'm not invited to Sacramento? Okay, cool. You can come to Sacramento, but, I mean, Portland's Oh, I'm not invited to Sacramento? Okay, cool. You can come to Sacramento, but I mean, Portland's a better club. Okay, so, yeah, it's interesting. Like, obviously, they're going to come up with a metric. You know, listen, the rich are going to get it first,

just like Bill Gates said this week. Bill Gates said the rich countries are going to be taken care of or are going to get it first. You know, it's just, that's just how this world works. Yes. So, he's very concerned and just gave another 250 million, by the way, towards the effort. Wow. No, no. To help poorer countries. That's amazing. Yeah. So. OK, so I guess the rich countries are getting it. And then I know flight attendants, I saw that headline, were kind of asked, are athletes, did you read that, that they're high on the list? Are they? All right.

No, no, I don't know. I mean, I think they should be, because if you really think about it, the number of professional athletes statistically in this country, it's not a lot compared to the amount of relief and joy and jobs they create. I think that that's an industry that should be supported. Well, there is definitely going to be, especially in this country and in all capitalist countries, an economic criteria. Like what does the most good for the most people in a way yeah well then that's going to be like people in meat packing plants um obviously people in front the frontline workers people in hospitals and uh grocery stores have to get it first and then do you do things like restaurants well no the biggest question is whether it's

frontline the biggest question is whether it's frontline people or old people that's the big debate right now and you know obviously statistically old people are dying at a far greater rate than anybody else so do you go straight to them or you just get those old people off their asses and put them in emergency rooms yeah right oh i think you're going to say put them in meat packing plants and grocery stores hey grandpa you want a 10 bar down the street hey grandma yeah grab this knife grandma that's a rib whack it up get on this unbelievably complicated register at Whole Foods, Grandma. Then you'll get your candy.

You know, here's a quick one. Dogs are now being trained to detect people infected with COVID-19 by how, Mike? How are they doing it? Well, according to the headline, they're sniffing their armpits. And I did read the article. It's sweat-like related, but they sniff the armpits and they have a remarkably high accuracy rate. And why are they sniffing my asshole? Are they looking for AIDS? Your asshole really is the armpit of your body but i mean really why would a dog sniff my asshole it's not like i i get sniffing a dog's

asshole because they're looking for the guy that took a shit by the fire hydrant they want to know that he's in his territory i get that i'm not shitting on the street. It's insulting. Why do dogs smell other, like, male dogs' assholes? Because they want to. It's a territorial thing. I mean, you know. It is, right? You look at animals in the wild, and they rub their groins and their asses against trees, and they mark the territory.

And that's what your pets are doing. They're marking the territory. Yeah, he's looking at the cans of spray paint. Like, is that you that tagged that tree over there? Yeah, right, right. But what a job we give man's best friend. Like, hey, buddy, you want to spend your life sniffing sick people? Not really.

No, more than that, we're going to stick your snout right in their armpit have you ever smelled a human armpit it's a treat yeah i'll tell you what you definitely don't want to put them at fucking air italia that's not where you want to be dissecting no doubt uh or or most taxi cabs. Yeah. Not racist. I'm thinking of an old Irish, maybe it is racist, an old Irish cab driver.

All right, here we go. Let's talk about it. Mike, your story. Lead story. Remember the Zodiac Killer? Hell yeah. I just watched a movie about him last week. I thought that movie was a little long.

No? Is that my memory? It was a little long. A little unnecessarily long. I don't think that the number of people he killed justified the length of the movie. Right. I guess he bragged at one point about killing upwards of 30, but I guess what? Are five attributed to him? Just five.

words of 30 but i guess what are five attributed to him just five i mean not not my condolences to the families of those five people but at least at least if you have a family member killed by the zodiac killer that's that's a good fucking story as opposed to what his they they kept clipping out pieces of intestine until he died bald and fucking feeble now he got fucking choked burned hidden that's fun so they've never caught the zodiac killer um and so they don't know for a fact but they do attribute five to him but anyway he would write these cryptic messages and literally puzzles and he would send them in. And a long-solved, the news this week is a long-solved puzzle that he sent to the San Francisco Chronicle has finally been cracked by a team of coding experts.

The so-called 340 cipher, a jumble of letters, numbers, and symbols, doesn't reveal the name of the still unidentified killer who terrorized northern california in the 60s and 70s and then by the way in 69 one of his cipher puzzles was cracked by a school teacher from selenus and his wife and the short little uh cipher said i like killing because it is so much fun so anyway this new 340 that sounds like an eight-year-old's like uh homework assignment that's what i mean so the new 340 cypher that they were trying to figure out from 1969 i was wondering what it maybe said like apollo 11 did not land on the moon. It's total bullshit.

Fake news. John, don't marry Yoko. Holy shit. The New York Jets won. Don't hitchhike in Chappaquiddick when Ted's in town. Just saw Sharon Tate's new movie. She's going to have a long career. Those are all of his messages. All from 1969. Look at Mike Gibbons

popping one nine six nine into his Google search engine. Nicely done. Oh, yeah. Come on now. Nixon's going to make a great president. Yeah. Stay the course with Vietnam. See a big win coming. Hey, it's 1969. If this is the summer of love, why haven't I gotten laid since 1968? Why haven't I had sex with a living person since last week? Maybe it's a horoscope. Maybe I need a Virgo. So this is the actual, it was international, the guys who cracked this code, because I thought like, is it really that hard to crack? And apparently, of course,

conspiracy theorists and everybody, but a lot of people are drawn to this and tons of people have claimed to have solved it, sent it in, and kind of the experts who, I guess someone in the police department in San Francisco, but I'm sure I think at the university there too, I read, would reject some of them as being like partially solved or not all the way. These were three brainiacs from three different countries. And some of them were like algorithmic mathematician. Like it was really, really intelligent guys that do this for a living. Anyway, the solution was this. You sure it wasn't women as well?

Because I think it was a couple. I think it was actually a couple that solved this. They're giving credit to the guy, but in the movie it was a couple. No, the movie predated this. This was solved last week. Oh, because one was couple no the movie predated this this was solved last week oh because they said one was solved in the movie oh yeah no no i'm not saying a woman can't solve a layup easy one like the one sentence one this is the complex one that needs men to roll up their sleeves and this is why we have female pharmacists because doctors have such bad handwriting that women are the ones that can solve the simple ones.

Yeah, exactly. All right. This is what it said. It's by the way, it's not thrilling. I hope you're having lots of fun and trying to catch me. That wasn't me on the TV show. By the way, you saw that in the movie. A live show in San Francisco called in

claiming it was him and it sent, it made everybody crazy. Right. That wasn't me. And then one of his victims lived, I think two did, and they were brought in and said, that's not his voice. Right. Before the, anyway, that wasn't me on the TV tv show which brings up a point about me i'm not afraid of the gas chamber because it will send me to paradise all the sooner he always spelled paradise with a c because i now have enough slaves to work for me where everyone else has nothing when they reach paradise so they are afraid of death I am not afraid because I know that my new life is, well, I know what my, I know that my new life is. That seems like it should be a what life will be an easy one in paradise death. I mean, think about how long it takes to code a cipher that can't be cracked for over 30 years, and this is what you write?

And you don't mention that he misspells paradise each time. He doesn't put correct punctuation. No, that was his thing. He always spelled paradise with a C, apparently. You can't even hear my cipher when I'm reading it. Nevermind. Crack a code. Yeah. I don't know. That's really, that's really what you're doing. Why not just send that uncoded? And then, you know what it would do? We'd spend 30 years trying to crack this code.

Like, what is this piece of shit paragraph really saying? Because that can't be it. Well, no, because he was like the Kardashians of serial killers. He was all about being in the news, getting attention, being a celebrity. So this code thing just made it. I mean, he got a lot out of his five killings. When you think about, like, the Golden State killer who killed, like a hundred, I don't know how many, like fucking tons. He was kind of a, you know, he was kind of a footnote.

But the Zodiac killer, every, Son of Sam, Son of Sam didn't kill that many people. But he got the dog thing. He had an angle. He had a hook. Listen, it's like all industries. Don't get into it for the fame. Get into it for the rewards and for the work and doing a good job. Do the work.

The journey is the destination. It has to be. It has to be. Or don't do it. Yeah. Don't get into that game. It's unrewarding. You have to do it for what you get out of it, even if nobody notices.

You really you have to do it for what you get out of it, even if nobody notices. I know for me, when I lived in New York and it was it was so crowded, it started to make me feel tense and I got wound up. And so one night a week, usually on Tuesdays, I would slip into the darkness and I would take one human life. And it wasn't that I was mad at them or they were bad people. It just you just felt this release can you guess my favorite can you guess my favorite part of that joke what take a guess try to guess slipped into the darkness no the detail of tuesdays which never changes never change that's always in there you never never change a day. That's right. That's right. I love it. Let's do our next story, Mike.

You got it. I love this headline. It's tight. It's short. U.S. Marines won't stop taking LSD. Why would they? Why would they? America's 2nd Marine Division loves to trip balls. That's literally what the first line in the article says. I think this was at Vulture. The 20,000 Marine Strong Division in North Carolina and many of its members have been caught taking LSD.

It's such a problem that the Marine Corps has begun to randomly test for the drug and publicly announced a crackdown on people taking it. A detail of that part of the story was that LSD wasn't on the test because they do drug test Marines. Yeah, that they were not testing for that. First of all, wait, can we back up? There are 20,000 Marines just in North Carolina. That's think about the fucking cost of that. That's insane. Not only that, Marines get paid.

They get paid pretty well if you're if you're a senior marine you make six figures and a starting marine makes about like 50 60 grand no yes they do 40 50 60 yep and because my uh yeah and then when they retire they get 50 of their salary for the rest of their life. Not to mention subsidized loans. They have no interest loans. They get discounts on insurance, all this subsidized stuff. You're making it seem like America takes care of its veterans and its military. We don't.

Well, in some ways we do, in some ways we don't. All right. It may seem odd, but LSD has a long and storied history of use by American armed forces. At a military base in Wyoming, airmen in charge of launching America's nuclear arsenal love to eat acid between shifts. Monitoring the nuclear arsenal is a boring job. And to pass the time, airmen in charge of the nukes would get high. Quote, I absolutely just loved altering my mind, one airman said in 2018 when the ring of LSD buddies was busted. I don't know, man. You can think a lot is wrong. When you're on an LSD trip, like, you know,

we told that story a few times of Timothy Leary testing in Cambridge, and he and another medical doctor tripping became convinced their dog was dead, and they were about to cut open its chest and massage its heart to save it, and the dog wasn't dead at all. Right. More like Semper Highper high come on people i mean so it it is amazing because it is the opposite of the military mindset you know of what lsd really does in freeing your mind it's like if we're all one consciousness and love and being in love are the same,

why do we have ranks? Yeah. But that could lead to pulling the button. Oh, yeah. We really messed up this experiment that should have been about oneness. Here's some oneness coming your way. I think it'd be the opposite.

I think if they got the message from trump to bomb russia or china i would think they wouldn't be able to do it if they were on acid maybe they bomb washington right just but all they have to do is detonate it right where it sits they don't even have to launch it. Yeah. Have you done LSD? Oh, yeah. Did you like it? I did. There was one dead show in Giants Stadium.

I came really close to freaking out, though. Word went around the stadium that when police saw that you were tripping, that you were a little bit out of control. And this is true. I mean, it's true that word went around saying this, and I think it was true. So I'm tripping. And word went around that if authorities saw you tripping and like you took you and they strapped you to a stretcher and just slid you in this big room and just slid the stretcher in there and just left

it there. Wow. No shit. And they would get other people and do the same. Now, the weird thing is now that I'm in my 50s, I'm looking back at that decision and it doesn't seem as unbelievably crazy to me as it did then. What they were doing was they were absolutely ensuring you wouldn't harm yourself and you wouldn't harm anyone else. And nothing physically was going to happen to you other than completely losing your mind. Right.

Next to another guy who's also losing his mind. So all of a sudden I was like, keep your shit together. Like, don't have fun. Yeah. So it started to go really bad. But how I helped that was after the concert, everybody was still on the floor. And I, I was able to climb one of the walls of like the infield there or whatever, and get in the first row. And then the lines were so long to get out. I then helped, I like reached

over and helped people up. And I did that for, I'm going to say, 45 minutes. I just pulled people up this wall. And in some way, I guess I envisioned myself like helping a refugee boat, like have people off it. Like I was saving lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. And that felt really good. And then I went outside to the pasta school bus. You know what that is, right?

What's that? Well, part of the L.A., the Gr grateful dead show that toured was the pasta bus and i just gave out free pasta at the end of the show to people to eat and it was just amazing it was comforting in every single way not only the nutrition of the food but just the people would it was kind of like me helping everybody off the floor of the stage well i'll tell you man you know you can make fun of deadheads and Dead Shows all you want, but if you didn't go to one, you have just shut the fuck up because

it is about peace and love and generosity and community. They were the greatest experiences in the world. I went to a bunch of Dead Shows. Oh, I went to a ton, yeah. And yeah, drugs was a part of it, but I think it was the right use of drugs. I think it was the right use of drugs.

I think it was being used in a way that made people appreciate each other. And I think that the music was the kind of music that was so freeform and creative that it brought out a lot of feelings in you that was very illuminating. I thought they were amazing. And always the problem was they ended too early because you're still tripping that's why you head out

to the past and they were they were four hour concerts and they still felt like they ended too soon but they were really long cut but at one time just to show you a different mindset in college you know colleen so we helped colleen move and one of the things that we didn't get into a place that was still like in one of our cars was a giant beer stein. You know, the big German beer steins. That was filled like with pennies and change. So this will illuminate what stage of life we were on for a few reasons. So we were starving and wanted to order pizza and didn't have any money. So we were going to pay for the pizza with all this change.

Yeah. So we poured, we had just been moving all day. We poured the beer stein onto the bed and all the change was out and all these tabs of acid were in the beer stein and we'd sit and they popped on the bed. There was like a little, like little row of them and we, nothing was said and we looked at each other and we immediately grabbed them and put them in our mouth. Yeah. Yeah. No, no conversation about what do you have going on the rest of the day? Like, or even what day is it? Like, well, we're tripping. Yeah. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Um, my, I never took acid, but I used to sell mescaline, which is basically acid.

You went from not doing acid to being a dealer. Well, it's a long story, but my funniest experience with it was I waited until I was 16 until I took it. Because all my friends, all my friends were dropping ass when they were like 14 years old, 15 years old. And I was like the good kid. So I waited, I hung out with the craziest kids in town, like all the derelicts, all the most, it was all people that had older siblings. Those were the ones that, that had access to everything and who were, you know, basically trying to be as crazy as their siblings. So 16 years old, me and another girl named Eileen, I won't say her last name.

We took Masculine and then we went to this kid Lachlan's house. His name was Lachlan McAllister. He lived down the street from me. And he lived in a house. Did he get killed? Well, his sister's name was lala and his brother's name was hamish and his name was lachlan and so we go to their house and i'm not making this up they lived in a castle that had been tiny tim's house before they bought it and it was in the Highlands.

And it was a fucking... And so we'd go over to their house, and we had always wanted to go to the house because it looked so magical, but we were never allowed in. It was so weird because they had all this space, but we were never allowed in. And then one night, Lachlan goes like, okay, my parents are away.

You guys can come to my house. So we come to the house, no tour, no like, Hey, go wherever you want. It was like, everybody follow me. And they, we walked into the smallest fucking room in the house that had a TV. We were, there was like 15 of us and we were like packed in, in the floor. And then I'm now peaking, I'm peaking and Eileen is peaking. And then, and we're sitting there and peeking i'm peeking and eileen is peeking and then and we're sitting there and we start laughing about their names and the fact that we're in a castle and then all of a sudden this little furry scottish terrier comes in and i look at i look at lachlan and i go what's your dog's name and he looks me dead in the eye and he goes, Fred. And we fucking lost it.

We could not, we were asked to leave the house. After a half an hour where we were still laughing and we were asked to leave the house. That's amazing. Fred. And it's a Scottish Terrier. And it's a Scottish Terrier. That's great.

Hey, Mom. Let's get to uh let's get to international do it well if you are walking down the beach and you see a big clump of something, you may want to stop and pick it up. Whale vomit is rather rare, but it seems to be happening too often on the shores of Thailand. A down-and-out Thai fisherman struck gold as he toppled upon a huge lump of whale vomit at a beach in southern Thailand. Weighed 37 pounds, and it is worth, drum roll please, $3.2 million. What? The perfume industry considers whale vomit

a prized possession. Huh. And yeah, and it looks like it hardens into like almost a rock form um but i mean look that's that's serious fucking money we need to we need to find some female whales and body shame them and get them to have bulimia and then just clean up, baby. How is Japan not cornered this market with all their whale killing? Yeah, right. I mean, they trap some of them. Yeah.

And make them watch something really gross. Or make them join a fraternity. Honey. Totally. And also, what is with the why is is whale blubber, I guess? No, I guess the throw up smells better than the blubber because they use it for the, it's like, honey, you smell amazing. Like lavender and, is that a hint of decomposed krill? That's what it's called.

Is that the high note? A little decomposed krill behind the ear just a little behind that ear there's a book there's a book by tom tom robbins you ever read any tom robbins yeah he kind of has a little bit of an activist florida thing in his books right no you're thinking of oh i am yeah you're thinking you're thinking of uh oh what's his name carl hyacinth i am you're right sorry no tom robbins wrote like only cowgirls get the blues and he has this book called jitterbug perfume and it's about this perfume that i i guess perfumes have a bass and a middle note and a high note and um and so there's a magical combination of those three things that gives you eternal

youth. And so the book is about like in ancient times, somebody found it and then somebody found it in like the 1700s. And now there's a modern person in New Orleans who stumbles upon it. It's the fucking greatest book. And it makes you so his description of perfume and how they make it and the physiological properties of perfume. It's really fascinating. Highly recommend it.

Nice. It's time for some Florida, man. Oh, here it comes. Is there not a paper? I don't have a paper. I don't read anymore. This paper's so old, it barely crinkles anymore. I got to get a fresh paper in here.

Ty, here we go. The Florida man we're talking about today, Tom Brady. Oh, boy. Tom Brady has announced to the world that he, I think he basically said he'd rather be dead than spend another winter in the Northeast. He's loving Florida. And so he just bought a $17 million house in Miami next to Ivanka Trump. It's on Indian Creek Island, which is known as

a billionaire's bunker. He also faced huge backlash this week for buying a $2 million yacht after his company, his company's called TB12, received a Paycheck Protection Program loan of almost $1 million.

What a piece of shit. While 52% of small businesses that applied for that loan didn't get any. He sucks. Tom Brady is worth $200 million. That says, oh, is that $200 million? $200 million. By the way.

Not only that, his wife is worth more. You know, I think, I have to think he's worth more than $200 million. I mean, he's getting $20 million for just his Tampa Bay, I think, contract. Yeah, I know his wife. Can we, Chris, why don't you look up what his wife is worth? That's our producer, Chris, if he can peel himself away from the QAnon website. Yeah. He was living in

Dark Jeter's house in Tampa this whole time. But he's just douchey. He's douchey. Not only, well, he did a thing. I work a lot with The Best Buddies,

which is a group that helps people with intellectual disabilities. And I have to say, he was a thing. I work a lot with the Best Buddies, which is a group that helps people with intellectual disabilities. And I have to say, he was a spokesman for them for many years, many years. And he worked his ass off. And he just heard she's worth $400 million. So he— Why did they apply for a loan? It's gross.

And so anyway, so he decides he's going to peel off and start his own his own foundation in his own name, which is fine. He did his time with the best buddies. Good for him. broke a story that he solicited and received hundreds of thousands of dollars from the best buddies to seed his new foundation. What? Yes. Yes. I mean,

they're worth $600 million. They got to take money away from people that are trying to find housing for people with intellectual disabilities to give them job skills to, to let them live on there. I mean, it's fucking, he is gross. 25 million Americans are hungry. I don't know the right word, but that is what I had read, that are literally, whatever the termination is, where they are food challenged right now. Food, is it challenging?

It's just, like, how about having the awareness like maybe i don't buy this boat this week maybe i wait a couple of months till this craziness somehow dissipates hopefully a little yeah yeah what's amazing is he's born he's fucking gorgeous he's a world-class athlete he's got a beautiful wife who earns like what why do you need more why why would you not why would you take that fucking loan no i know the taking the, like, doesn't he have a he must have obviously as a business manager, but some sort of manager. Clearly, he doesn't have a friend talking to him about this, but it's like, dude, the most overused word right now. But the optics on this are not good. Yeah, right.

The Sunday Papers podcast is not going to happen. The Sunday Papers podcast is not going to have it. That's right. These guys, when they're not talking about whale vomit, are going to focus in on the socioeconomic implications of the PPP program. Yeah. It's disgusting. This just in from Chris. The Marine infantry salary, so the 10th percentile,

whatever that means, makes $48,000 a year. 25th percentile makes $61,000 a year. 75th percentile makes $85,000 a year. I wasn't really listening. What happened? So, infantry makes between $50,000 and $85,000

a year in the Marines. Huh. I'm really surprised. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it's not as clear cut as that. Do they subtract for like housing and green clothing? I don't think they do subtract for that. I think that they pay for their housing.

Oh, it is in many ways a 24-7 job though right now look i am not never mind i'm not criticizing how much i forget how did this come up in the first place um are we talking about them taking acid but no i believe no no it wasn't yeah it was that there were 20 000 of them in north carolina right. No, I'm just looking at the sheer mass of money that's spent on the military versus other countries. I'm not begrudging anybody that wants to put their life on the line to to fight for this country, to be separated from their loved ones for possibly years. They deserve everything we can give them. I just don't think there should be as many of them. Yeah. Okay.

I got to plug my computer in. I just got a text from our buddy, Matt Malloy. What did it say? That their friend, you know, was trying to go out in Airbnb to Palm Springs. This Airbnb and VRBO thing is, I won't go into it now too much, but it's a real problem. Because what happens when the laws change and they block people from short-term rentals, especially Airbnb, the owners keep the money. Oh,

no shit. Even though the, the people have not, some have canceled because of guidelines. That's a problem, but it does say if you cancel, but many don't cancel. And that's where the problem is.

And like Riverside County out here in Los Angeles is that's where Palm Springs is. And there's a lot of rentals in that county for everybody, not only L.A., but lots of people for the West. Palm Springs is a lot like Florida, especially for like Minnesota and a lot of old people and snowbirds go to Palm Springs. And anyway, there's a huge short-term rental situation there and it's blowing up now. Damn. Martin, you going to go away for Christmas to Palm Springs? We were trying to, but then I read the fine print that I wouldn't get my money back. I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I go, listen, I won't cancel because I'm not flying in. So I said, what are you telling me here? If I show up at the door, but Palm Springs has outlawed it,

am I going to get in? Like, in other words, is this going to be a standoff? Like, who's going to cancel first? So what if I win that standoff and I don't cancel? And they said, the door will be locked and you won't get your money back. Yeah. Right. Unbelievable. These are the issues we're faced with today. the door will be locked and you won't get your money back. Yeah. Right.

Unbelievable. These are the issues we're faced with today. Let's talk about entertainment, Mike. Let's do it. What'd you watch this week? Man, I told you I was going to watch that Heaven's Gate documentary. Yeah. I forget.

I always confuse Apple and HBO. I think it's on HBO. And it's about that group. It's the largest mass suicide on U.S. soil ever. And we talked about it last week because we talked about Ted Turner and his comments. So it was interesting. I can't remember if I had seen it by last week. But anyway, did you watch it?

I did not. It was interesting. I didn't realize how long before the suicide had happened. And it was decades. And the cult was doing well for a while before it. Anyway, that was a fun documentary.

They're the ones, the Nike. They all wear Nikes. They were all wearing Nikes and hoodies peacefully laying in their bed. They did it in tears. I guess there were three waves. You sure it wasn't rednecks from Florida shot them because they were wearing Nikes and hoodies? By the way, this happened in 97, sort of ahead of their time regarding fashion.

Right. Because that's all I see now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I hope when they did get on their spaceship that they got some props for that. Yeah. Like, was the spaceship like, whoa, whoa, did we go to 2019? Because you guys look very 2020, if you don't mind us saying. We've already seen 2020.

Right, and you're all taking opioids. You're all killing yourselves. We should get a taste of this. And you've rented a house like an Airbnb. Yeah. What year is this? This can't be 97. So that was good.

But I have to say, we'll talk about other things. Was there fucking in that cult? Huh? Was there fucking? Was the leader getting laid? No. No, because the lead guy turned out to be gay and he was very adamant about it. So he, in fact, kicked out a really attractive gay actor because his vessel was very meaning body was very attracted to that guy's vessel.

Oh, yeah. So it was interesting in that way. meaning body, was very attracted to that guy's vessel. Oh. Yeah. So it was interesting in that way. But I don't want to spoil it. So there's some definite things that are. That's such a typical thing of like somebody goes like, yeah, I got thrown out of that club. For what? Being too good looking.

Yeah. Well, it hurts. You and I both have that pain that we walk around with that's right when it happens over and over and over again i think ellen kicked me off the show because she was too attracted to me probably yeah and because i stopped going to production meetings it was one of those two things i I can't remember. It might have been that I used to play ping pong outside of her office. And when the score was 9-11, I would sing a song about 9-11. I'm not sure. It was that or being too good looking. I can't remember. You also would do your masturbation, which included a giant spit in the palm of your hand.

Yeah, that's right. I might have been unhappy and looking to get fired. Who knows? At that point, you were still viewing her as a fellow comedian who had a sense of humor and could roll with

behind-the-scenes humor. Yeah. So, but listen, my strongest recommendation this week is I watched Bryan Cranston's new show, Your Honor, on Showtime. Yeah. And there's only episode one, but I don't throw this word around too much. It's pretty

great. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know where it's going to go. There have been lots of great pilots don't get me wrong but this sets up a lot and i liked it a lot you know showtime which was a nothing network for so long i mean they had shows they had homeland but then that kind of ran its course um i thought um billions was a good show but people didn't people didn't really jump on board for Billions. And so I canceled it. And as soon as I canceled it, they got a bunch of great shows all of a sudden. They have that Couples Therapy, which is also something I was going to mention. And they just came out with an hour special.

But I have to finish Couples Therapy. I talked about that a few weeks ago. I really like that show. I told you, real couples with a few weeks ago. I really liked that podcast, that show. I told you real couples with a real therapist filmed and it's, and where it's the art of the obvious. Why would you possibly put that out to the world? Like, don't people have to go to work on Monday? Do you really want everybody in the office to know that you have like erectile dysfunction or your wife has rape fantasies? Like, why would you talk about that shit on tv i don't know because there must yeah i don't

know if there's situations where it's like they talk about something and then they like look to the producer like that can't go in or they hold back and don't totally go there, kind of like me in therapy. They don't totally go there because it would be embarrassing. Yeah, they should have a show, Irish Therapy, where just nobody says anything. They just cry a lot. That's also, well, WASP therapy doesn't exist. They don't go to a therapist. Right.

They just make another martini and just push it down. Yeah. Until their children commit suicide. Here's what I watched this week, and I highly recommend watching the show, but don't watch it with your 17-year-old daughter. Yeah, I want to hear about this. What is it? I saw Big Mouth.

There's no bigger proponent of big mouth i think it's one of the best shows made in you had him on your podcast nick crawl before it aired yeah you then sent me a link to the first episode or something and you out of the gate loved it i just think that nobody has tackled that that pubescent stage in a comedic way before. And it's just, it's fucking smart. It's funny. It's edgy. It's original.

The characters are amazing. But it has gotten so dirty. And I'm watching with my daughter, and it's all about masturbation and fucking and, you know, really graphics. There's a big thing about the vagina and how to make a woman cum, and there's a big cave, and there's a bell at the top you're supposed to ring, and they're rubbing it, and then water gushes out, and I'm just sitting there next to my daughter going, this is a fucking nightmare.

I didn't laugh once. Did you say nightmare? Yeah. Huh. You wouldn't go with the standard mayor? I have a number of words that I don't know why I say them wrong, but I say farhead. What?

I say farhead. Did you have a nightmare in Philadelphia or somewhere in Pennsylvania? It sounds like something they'd say. I lived in Philly for two years when I was a kid. I might have picked up on it. I also say milk. I say milk also. Was your dad a DJ there or something?

Yeah. I didn't know that chapter. I lived in the Bronx until I was about five. And then we lived in Ohio for a year in Youngstown, Ohio. And then we lived in Philly for like two years. And then we moved back to New York. I lived in the Bronx until I think I was one. And that was enough.

I got it. Yeah. Time to get out. Boogie Down Bronx was just kicking in. Hey, wait a minute. Wait, what was the milk one? Milk. Like an M-E-L-K?

I guess so. Yeah, milk, farhead, and what was the last word I said? I don't know, but you started off with nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare? Nightmare. Does everyone correct you on it? I've never been corrected on nightmare, but I get milk all the time.

I have jokes where I say far ahead, and I see people, because you're very aware when you're on stage of how people are reacting to your jokes. And when I say far ahead, which I have a couple jokes that say far ahead, I see people whisper to each other and smile. Like, what did he just say? Now, what about changing? Like, when I learn I'm pronouncing a word incorrectly, which happens more often than I'd like to admit, I change it.

That's why you lost your Bronx accent, Mike. I try to pronounce it correctly. I can't. I feel like I don't care enough to. Huh. Like, who cares? I'm a little bit different. Well, if you had more far thought in it,

you would perhaps change the way you fucking think about it. Look, you're really milking this bit. In golf, do you scream far when you shank one? I don't even know where that accent, where do you think that derives from? You think it's the Philly? Not the

Bronx? It sounds like it's coming from the part of your brain that's stubborn. Because why the fuck is it still in there? I'm going to work on it. Anyway, yeah, while you're watching Big Mal with JoJo, he'd be like, JoJo, can we switch over

to a cult that all killed themselves? You'll like what they were wearing. It's kind of hip. Yeah. It's like a hip-hop suicide except they're all white yeah i'll buy you the nikes and the hoodie can we just change the fucking channel right now my daughters won't go there i told you they won't watch big mouth oh no they won't olivia won't watch anything that is remotely like sexual or even referring to it.

Like no shit. Oh no, no. We, we can never find something to watch together. And then when we do Olivia, then rooms, they'd like,

it'll be like, Hey, what about Shawshank redemption? She's like, hold on. She'll go like a parent. She'll go on common sense media and she'll look up and say, no,

there's a rape. I'm like, there's not a rape in Shawshank Redemption, Olivia. I go, you have to be kidding me. It's like America's darling film. And I guess apparently at one point you hear, you hear, I guess, rape, prison rape in the background. I live in Venice. That's just going to sleep at night. background i live in venice that's just going to sleep at night and i'm also i'm like everyone throws the word rape around couldn't have been a prison consensual sex sure right clearly there's

a lot of that it could have started as a rape um or end is one the um much better build if it ends as one yeah yeah that is so that's as a father of a daughter that's got to make you feel pretty good though that i don't watch prison rape i mean she is going to be she's going to stay away from sex until she's maybe 21 isn't that great i don't know you know all right I'll depersonalize this. But I wonder about that. Like. Like I was kind of a late bloomer and you were not you were having sex when you were 11 or something, but when you're on mescaline in a castle, but and you covered up with some bullshit story. But the pressure builds and I'm wondering out loud if like might a stupid decision happen just to get it over with. Yeah. Right. What I mean? Or or just I feel sorry for walking around with that pressure. And in today's world, it's so much more difficult than when I was a teenager.

Like in today's world, it's like, I mean, everyone's getting laid in music videos. They're getting laid in every song that's popular. Like it's just everywhere. And nevermind, you know, the dick pics that are flying around. Like, you know, sadly, my daughters are telling me like, if I think the dick pics is an exaggeration and euphoria, it's not that much of an exaggeration. I'm like, what? Like in high school. Yeah. Right. So I don't know. Why wouldn't you? I mean, why wouldn't kids do it? That's just like they're fucking, they're, they're just desensitized to sexuality, to drugs, to everything, because all they do is watch TV. We didn't watch this much TV.

And when we watched it, it was, we sound like two old men, but they really are desensitized to sexual stuff. And I think it's great that Olivia's not doing that. I mean, I think she's a very independent girl. She's really something. And I love that she's got those boundaries for herself. And I don't see it coming from you or Liz.

You guys don't seem like you're kind of suffocating parents in any way. No, I let her have a drink last night. She's 15, but I'm like, this kid's got to loosen up. So, yeah, we'll see. All right, what else do we got that we watched? We got the documentary. BG's documentary. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That comes out when? Today? This weekend. It comes out this weekend. BG's documentary came out. Oh, yeah, yeah. That comes out when? Today? This weekend. It comes out this weekend. So I have not seen it. Cannot wait to see it. It's going to be feel good. Their early BGs, also, by the way, early BGs, where they sound like the Beatles, are really, really comforting.

Oh, yeah. They started out as a rock band and also like a country band. Barry Gibbs, who's the last one who's left. I think the rest of them are all dead, including their brother, Andy. He is the last one. And so I read this great article in The Times last week about him. And he always considered himself a country musician. He grew up on bluegrass in Australia.

They grew up in England until they wereralia they were they they grew up in england until they were a certain age and then they moved to australia and they really dug bluegrass and uh and they were kind of like this rock band and then and then barry gibb found that falsetto sound and they moved to miami and they were produced by a disco producer. And he said, try this. And I mean, I fucking hated the Bee Gees when I was in junior high school, high school. Hated disco. I saw it as an assault on rock.

I saw it taking over the airwaves. Rock stations were turning into disco stations. And but I had I always had a guilty pleasure because I saw Saturdayurday night fever and i was kind of blown away by the music and now that i'm older i i am in awe they had at one point barry gibb wrote he wrote songs for andy gibb their brother as well yeah in one year, and I think it was 1975, he had seven number one songs that he had written on the Billboard charts. Seven number one songs. Five of them were from Saturday Night Fever and two of them were Andy Gibbs songs. There's an album out there. I couldn't find it on Apple, but it's called Bee Gees Gold, which is their early hits, which is like words, like it's

only words, Massachusetts, I Started a Joke, all these songs, which are incredible. All ballads. Yeah. Huh? All ballads. They're all ballads. And they're really, really cool. So I'm psyched to see that anyway. It is sad. He's the last one standing, you know, and I think it's going to be, you know, very sad when he going to be you know very sad when he goes because they are of such an era you know what i mean yeah and i think they really uh and i think the film deals a lot with this backlash of how much people hated disco and how much they hated them and here are these guys that were like legitimate musicians and legitimately had been in been

playing in bars since they were 15 years old they were the real deal and uh and then they had to fight that that stigma for the rest of their careers yeah and they you know all their fans were in it timberlake's in the documentary i saw him in the trailer so it should be pretty good i'm psyched to see that wait what else came out oh i'm kind of weighing how much i'm gonna hate the prom uh what's that the prom is uh it just got released on netflix i think it's on there right now and james corden is in it who's you know a friend of mine and um and what's her name is in it meryeryl Streep. Meryl Streep. And a bunch of other stars.

Now, there's another female star in it. Is it Liza Minnelli? I don't know. That doesn't sound familiar. But, you know, they all help someone regarding a problem. But I don't know. We'll see. I did go see Cats in a Theater.

What's weird is I think it's based on a bunch of, like, washed- broadway actors but cordon looks younger than he actually is so the one clip i saw i kind of was bumped like he doesn't look like he's the right age for this why what age do you think he is in real life i would say he's 40 he is i think yeah 60 minutes did a fucking love letter to him on the show last week oh you mean his parent network where he has huge deals oh interesting no 60 minutes is usually above that but um listen, I love the guy. He has an amazing fucking face, man. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Very few people, very few male or female who are as overweight as he is strike a face like that. Yeah. Like he could, you know, he does ads. He can do ads featuring his face unironically selling a product.

Yeah. So he looks different than he is in many ways. So sometimes he can look really, you know, as you said, younger than his age also. He was I mean, you know this, but most people don't know when he was in england he had like the number one sitcom for years came to new york won a fucking tony on broadway i mean he had quite a career before he took over this show so i talked to him about the sitcom we'll just do this because it's very interesting for one reason he was starring on broadway in uh what's it called? The Boys? I forget the name of the play. Shit, I think it was an Irish playwright. Ah, fuck. It's so bad I'm forgetting. Anyway.

Was it a musical? He was in it. No. He was in it, and he was in it with a very overweight woman as well, and it's just abysmal that I'm forgetting her name. Anyway, she's the one in Gavin and Stacey. So he said to her at one point, so what happened is, everyone would want to come backstage

and see, you know, especially celebrities and people in the industry want to see them, you know, and go backstage and congratulate them as is done on Broadway. And they would all, of course, go because they were very funny to them and they would go to the other cast. And the only difference was

when everyone was talking about, okay, we want to set up a meeting with you. You were great in this. The deal, they never got deals signed. It was all talk. And the good looking people got the deals. Right. Who were in the cast.

Yeah. And so he went to her one day, he's like, you know, we're going to have to meet our career in the middle. We can't wait for it to come to us. Yeah. So we have to write something. So while they were doing their nine shows a week or whatever Broadway is, they would go back to their like little rented apartment and they would, and they wrote Gavin and Stacey. And this is the ingenious part. This is all back in England, by the way. Well, this was on Broadway that they wrote it. And then Gavin and Stacey, the way they did it, it was like a Trojan horse. They had a good looking couple. And that was the show. Gavin,

they were having a long distance relationship. She was in Wales. He was in England. And they finally were like, well, we have to meet. And they each brought their best friend who were the overweight people. Right. And they were the sidekicks that eventually became the main thing in Gavin and Stacey. Oh, that's amazing. That's amazing. How smart is that? Wow.

I love it. So there you go. I probably got some of that wrong. What do you think Sunday Papers is for our careers? This is us meeting the industry halfway. I got to sit here and watch Paul Scheer get roles with that fucking gap in his tooth? What about my gap? This is all about getting Chris, our MAGA producer, his career.

That's what's going to happen. That's right. We need to get Chris in a position where he can get the message out. Wink, wink. The new last man standing, but way more political. Mike, let's get to sports. Let's do it. Tampa Bay Buccaneers had a bye week.

However, your balance, your outstanding balance from our bet this year is $50, which is incredible. Incredible. It just shows you the bookmakers know exactly what they're fucking doing i mean we are what are we 13 weeks into the season 12 weeks into the season and uh you're only down by one game they're amazing this coming week though i think you're going to drop another one they're playing minnesota they're giving minnesota seven points but they're playing in tampa. Huh. I say huh. Like any of that means anything to me, I could care less. Just beat them by more than seven.

Will Tom Brady drive the yacht to Minnesota is the big question. Wait, you said it was in Tampa Bay. It's in Tampa Bay. Right, right, right. There we go. And they're giving seven. That means Minnesota. Because what I've heard, again, I stopped following sports around the –

I'm a Jets fan, so you do the math. But like four years ago – Jets still have not won a game this year. It's unbelievable. So I heard a very general way to approach it is the home team starts off with plus three. Yeah, that's about right. That's what I heard a very general way to approach it is the home team starts off with plus three. Yeah, that's about right. That's what I heard. And I think that's adjusted for which home.

If you're playing in Denver, it's probably plus five because the visiting team's lungs are not used to playing at that altitude. So it's that much harder. I think it's also, is it Seattle that has the really loud stadium where they really fuck up the other team with their cheering? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. So I'm also wondering if it's not a total, it's not three points now because of fans.

Now, some of it is you're traveling, you know, you're traveling, so you don't have your home base and all that stuff. But some of it has to be just the energy in the stadium. So I wonder during the pandemic if it's still three. Hey, another thing I heard of which was interesting was some guy I know was convinced he always, of course, this will probably be debunked easily, but those Christmas Day games that happened in the NBA over the years,

he always bet on the visiting team because the home team just had to be annoyed leaving home, they're at home, the kids are there, everything, where the visiting team was already fucked. Yeah, right. And it's like, well, we're fucking, then we're winning this. I had to come to goddamn Phoenix. Yeah. On Christmas Day. Well, then that would also give Detroit an advantage because who the fuck wants to go to Detroit?

You know, think about how bummed out you would be to spend two days in that fucking city. And if we have Detroit listeners, I know you guys are coming back. Got it. Buy a warehouse. I like Detroit. Get some paint. There's such underdog. I love Detroit. Get some paint. There's such underdog. I love Detroit.

We should mention also there's Floyd Mayweather and Logan Paul are going to fight in February. Yeah, so I don't know much about these guys because I don't like them even though I don't know much about them. But the Paul brothers, so you know one of them

just fought in the undercard of the Tyson night and he won. But now his brother Logan Paul, who's a YouTuber, who I guess is 0-1. He might have, I think he lost a fight. That's what Chris was telling us. He lost a fight to another YouTuber. So what's the next logical step? Why don't I pick a fight with arguably the best fighter on the planet? Maybe of all time.

Maybe of all time. And so I don't usually buy these pay-per-view fights. I never do. But if this is being, the way I would build this fight is, how much would you pay to see a YouTuber die? And the answer is I'm paying. I don't even know.

I don't even need to know what the price is. It's one of these fights where you go like, all right, if they're only paying a dollar for every $10 you bet, still a great bet. Bet $10,000 and make $100. Just do it. Except that there's some lame draw. I mean, I wonder, like some people don't have that instinct of feeling sorry for an opponent.

Like I'm always surprised in MMA. It's like they will pound the guy till they're pulled off him. Like completely would kill him. some don't i've seen some like look at the ref like you're stopping this right you know yeah and they're usually pretty fast on it but some just you're in that moment and you're just destroying like i was never that way like i i to a fault always played to the level of my opponent whatever it was i was playing like you know is that why we tie in tennis even though you're probably a better player I always played to the level of my opponent, whatever it was I was playing. Is that why we tie in tennis, even though you're probably a better player?

Oh, yeah. I shouldn't tell that to you. I play you in paddle. But anyway, I will be watching this fight, man. Absolutely. Yeah. All right. Let's do it.

Let's do some science also. Okay. Okay. What do we got? Well, it's an interesting headline that grabbed my attention. China turns on nuclear-powered artificial sun. China successfully powered up its, quote, artificial sun nuclear fusion reactor for the first time, the state media reported, marking a great advance in the country's nuclear power research capabilities.

It uses a powerful magnetic field to fuse hot plasma and can reach temperatures of, wait for it, over 150 million degrees Celsius. Oh, Celsius. That's probably like 62 degrees Fahrenheit, according to the People's Daily. It's approximately, okay, here we go. So in this building where they're doing this fusion, the temperature reaches approximately, it gets 10 times hotter than the core of the sun.

Wow. You think they squint a lot now? Which is less hot than that joke that you just let fly. Do you think, I mean, look, the Paris Accord, not going to be happy about this. Another sun? How about China? How about make some clouds? Maybe some smog?

Go back to making smog instead of another sun. I would normally be alarmed by this, but China's pretty good at keeping wraps on dangerous things and not letting them spread. Yeah, this will never get out of the laboratory. Yeah, I think this is going to be fine right yeah just just make sure that they don't expose a bat to this don't let any bats inside the laboratory or those little armadillo looking things um but this is it's summing up like a

a bad superhero movie where it's like, okay, here comes China. What's their secret weapon? Oh, they have something hotter than the sun. Right. Really? Shoot. We just had these things that would really hurt your ears and disable you. It's hotter than the sun?

Their weapon? Yeah. If we go to war with China, you're going to need bulletproof vests, helmets and SPF 20,000. Good luck, Hong Kong protesters. Remember you used to hold up your umbrellas for tear gas? Now they have the sun. Oh, my God. SpaceX launched a shiny new bullet-shaped straight-out-of-science-fiction Starship several miles into the air from a remote corner of Texas, but the six-and-a-half-minute flight ended in an explosive fireball at touchdown.

It was the highest and most elaborate flight yet for the rocket ship that Elon Musk said could carry people to Mars in as little as six years. Despite the catastrophic finale, he was thrilled. Mars, here we come, he tweeted. Everything about this sounds like U.S. air. The flight takes six years, and it's a disaster. Right. Maybe the tweet should have been, halfway to Mars, here we come.

Hey, how long is the flight if it makes it? If it makes it, it's six years, but it could be way shorter than that. According to the test, closer to three years. I think they should schedule for the 4th of July. By the way, it could be a minute. Yeah, don't worry about the seatbelt. This is beyond seatbelt. Don't bother.

She just gets up there, the flight attendant, like, you know what? Don't bother. You're good. Everyone's fine. Excuse me, sir. Six-year flight. Wow. Sir, would you like a drink?

No, I don't drink. Eh. Eh. You sure you don't want a drink? Might be time. Well, this has all that sci-fi element in it. Like, is there a way to go to sleep for the six years? How many movies?

How many movies do they have on that flight? Should we do business or this day in history? They're going to run out of ice. Wait a minute. I haven't even put the math together on a six-year flight, 12 years, and they can't restock. The flight can't restock when they're there.

How is this even possible? Oh, no, no, it's one way. My understanding is the flight to Mars is one way. You go, you set up, and you stay. And you live? That's my understanding of it. Which, by the way, the atmosphere of Mars is like 200 degrees below zero. It's uninhabitable.

I don't know. Is it that? Well, let me say so we don't get too many corrections. It's 50 below. It's 50 below zero. Is a Chinese sun considered carry-on? Can you bring a sun to Mars? Would that maybe mess up the solar system?

I love that we're saving the Earth by destroying the rest of the universe. You're not bringing any weapons on board or any fluids or any concealed, like, you know, fuels of any sort? No, just this sun. I'm just bringing a sun with me. I got a, one guy comes on, he's got one of those gallon containers of gas, kind of hoping to come back. I thought maybe I could help out.

I have a note. This is an emotional support sun. It just calms me down and I get less jittery because, you know, it's the sun. Oh, my God. But then you stay there. How are there supplies for staying there? I couldn't even figure out supplies for a six-year round trip. One of the articles I read found a plant that they can grow in the space capsule that they can live off of.

It's a protein-based plant that they can live off of. Just got a text from our producer, Chris Denman. He says, the election is a fraud. Oh, no, this one. It's negative 80 degrees Fahrenheit in the atmosphere of Mars. Sounds doable to me. Yeah. I've easily been in negative 20s in Wyoming.

Yeah. Not easily. That's a weird word. I have been. Should we do business or this day in history? I think we're going to skip. The business story is just Oracle, like seemingly everybody else, is leaving California like Joe Rogan and moving to Texas. We'll do it next week.

This Day in History. Oh, this is infuriating. Vice President Al Gore on this day in history concedes defeat to George W. Bush in his bid for the presidency following weeks of legal battles over the recounting votes in Florida on December 13th, 2000. In a televised speech from his ceremonial office next to the White House, Gore said that while he was deeply disappointed and sharply disagreed with the Supreme Court verdict that ended his campaign. Almost everybody disagreed with it. Go ahead. Quote, partisan rancor must now be put aside. I accept the finality of the outcome, which will be ratified next Monday in the Electoral College. And tonight, for the sake of our unity as a people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession. He telephoned Bush to offer his congratulations, honoring him for the first time with the title president elect.

He should have added, I'm also incredibly sorry to all the civilians who are going to be killed in an unjust war in Iraq, to all of the American soldiers who are going to be sent there to this unjust war. I also want to apologize in advance to all the poor people of New Orleans for when Katrina comes and the president will do fucking nothing. Can you reach your microphone with that soapbox? Do you have to bend over? This is just reminding me of how livid I was that Bush became president and then shame on this stupid country that he got in there a second time. By the way, losing both popular votes.

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, this Florida bullshit again. Listen, no matter what side you're on, we can all agree on one thing. The Republicans sue to stop votes being counted. That's what happens in every case. And that's what happened in this one. And it won by five to four, because that's how the Republican line was drawn in the Supreme Court. Well, I think the bigger picture is you saw a candidate who chose country over party. And he said that democracy and the belief in elections is more important. And it's the same thing with when Gerald Ford pardoned Nixon.

He said the well-being of the country and the belief in us having our shit together in front of the rest of the world is more important than one person's legacy after his presidency. You know, in giving Nixon a break. I get that. his presidency, you know, and letting Nick, giving Nixon a break. I get that. But when you let war criminals in there, and I'm not throwing that word, that phrase around loosely at all. I mean, even Bush and Cheney had a rift in his second term because Cheney was so unbelievably, it was just perverse, the international policy and, you know, the going into the war and how it just benefited us financially. It's just it's disgusting. Well, we're going to get a lot of letters from this.

Speaking of which, the environmental rollbacks, let's not forget that all of them under his administration. Here's some letters that came in last week. Gentlemen, Norm MacDonald said it perfectly on his podcast talk show. Norm, in this case, Greg. Hey, which football players do you think are gay? I asked that last week. Guest, in this case Mike, contemplates the question.

After a few seconds, Norm brilliantly pipes in, I think it's the two guys sucking each other off. I guess he said that on his talk show. That's perfect. Well, again, it's one of those, Norm, like he loves not being sarcastic and he then says you know the actual thing yeah yeah when he finds those that are funnier yeah sarcastic take it's the best thing ever that's when you as a comedian that's when you just feel like my god

my mind is stuck in one algorithm and i need to fucking shake it up a little bit. Oh, totally. Yeah. This is from Lars Eric Pearson. Regarding Ted Turner and his TV empire, which included WTBS, they broadcast every Atlanta Braves game. WGN has the Cubs.

Oh, right, right, right. Of course, it's Atlanta. Turner set all his programming on TBS to begin five minutes past the hour. For instance, mass reruns began at 7.05 because Turner's position was to allow for viewers to start and reject other shows within five minutes, and they could then switch to Turner at five past and watch the full show. Also, he's the third largest real estate property owner in America. Wow. So I don't know about that theory about the five minutes past.

I think it's the opposite. They started doing it with the late night talk shows because the news would go five minutes over. Yeah, they would always start five minutes over so that the news could do like, I don't know. What was the thinking behind that? I don't know. But I was at late night when we were trying to decide that because you can determine when you're a late night TV show. Well, all shows kind of determined, even scripted ones. You can determine when your commercial breaks happen. And that's why Letterman's show was so impossible to watch the end of it, because they would double

up a commercial break because ratings would stop, I think, after the fourth commercial pod. So the earlier you could have that fourth commercial pod, the better your ratings would be in late night because of attrition because of people turning off the tv and falling asleep which was great as a comedian because a comedian was always act seven and so before you came on there was like a fucking nine minute commercial break it was impossible yeah possible yeah he would do his commercial he would come back in for a they called them a cluster buster and they would show like 54th street or like sunset in new york and then go right to yeah yeah right commercials well snl does that also with uh they they come

back and they show you you know yeah they try to break up you know who used to fuck with you also was on Mad Men remember they used to run commercials on Mad Men and it was done in the same aesthetic as the show it was like men in 50s suits and they did it it looked like Mad Men so you would stop fast forwarding

and you would land on the commercial you're an early adopter so you watched it on AMC. Yeah. I never, I, I, meanwhile, I've never gotten past season two,

which I know I should. I know I should, but, uh, yeah, I know. I, so I never saw it then.

Here's a new segment that I think is a new segment. I, I can't remember if it was on Fitz dog radio or who's on this show, but we solicited people in the audience to send us where's the weirdest place you ever took a shit. So wait, let's just pause and ask people, did we ask that question? Did we ask that question? Because I got the mail. The problem is my email address serves both podcasts.

So when people started writing in their stories about where they took a shit, I think it was for this show. But if it was not, it is now. Here it is. Who Gives a Shit is the name of the segment. I just thought of that two seconds ago. Okay. First one comes from Rob. It's funny.

Nobody gave their last names on this. After leaving Queens to move to Nyackack new york across the bridge from you i went to boy scout camp one summer fucking hated it camp bullawa in stony point the head counselor was such a douche at the entrance were two statues of boy scouts and with and between them was almost a metal trestle with a camp Bulawa sign. I climbed up onto the trestle and took a shit from it. We then picked up the shit with a stick and threw it at the sign and the statues. Fucking idiots. Wow, this kid didn't like camp. That's the least disturbing Boy Scout story I've ever heard.

Did you hear about, did you listen to the Daily last week about the Boy Scouts? Dude, they molested way more boys than the Catholic Church ever did. Well, of course. The priests, you think the priests are going to...

What? Say it. No, that's the joke. They're disgusting animals. Yeah. At least maybe the guy raping you in a tent doesn't believe in a literal devil and virgin birth. Right. So maybe you could comfort yourself. You weren't raped by a complete lunatic, just an absolute sexual deviant who should be put to death.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that— I don't know. All right. So that's where he took his shit. If you're a little boy and they say to you, okay, you want to join this group? Put on these tight khaki shorts and this little yellow handkerchief around your neck. Don't worry. Nothing weird is going to happen in the woods. It's like pedophile lingerie.

Yes. Put on a little neckerchief with a clip and then a little hat to the side. Yeah. Yeah. And now climb into this tent that's sealed off, that's pushed off into the woods. Oh, my God.

We joined this thing when i was a boy scout when i was little but there was no camping trips as a matter of fact my mom was the scout master huh were you in the scouts not hers there was a lot of what she would do to you there was a lot does she listen to the whole podcast um no in a weird way i think i did cub scouts no that's what i did i did cub scouts not boy scouts those like the little blue uniforms but like tiny kids yeah yeah yeah i don't think i made it very far no fuck that and i received whenever i saw an eagle scout you ever see those eagle scouts and they're like they're they're that's like the fucking it's like the green berets of boy scouts they're like you see them they're like 17 18 years old they

got mustaches but they're still wearing the little shorts and the handkerchief it's like dude fucking just join the marines at this point grow up no no you look ridiculous yeah um that's scary though yeah but i don't know you think this uh rob guy this is one of those veiled memories you sure the statues were too inanimate you know people that you got between and took and took your pants down and when something was in your ass it wasn't a shit yeah yeah that's what i'm thinking i'll ask him because if it ask him because if this is the Rob that I think it is, he's in a band and has contributed a song to the show and is coming to see me in Phoenix.

We're going to hang out. Never mind, Rob. You weren't raped. This one comes from Steve. He says, at a high school party, I shit in a clothes dryer, pulled the door down, shit on it, slammed it shut, and turned it on. Let me ask you something. and i used to do this i used to have parties at my house in high school why why what's the upside your house gets destroyed you got to clean it up good chance you're gonna get busted by your

parents you're not getting laid it's a definite you're gonna get busted you're not getting laid because you're trying to keep people from shitting in the dryer get busted you're not getting laid because you're trying to keep people from shitting in the dryer no you're also not getting laid because people are already fucking in your parents bed that's right i mean it's such an insane idea i we once had a party and this kid dave vada pulled a knife on another kid and there were three people holding him back from stabbing him he was fucking crazy and uh and it was always like the pool table got fucking a bottle of rum poured on it and it was just and for what i was nervous the whole time i didn't have fun and look look at the crowd you run with and you wonder why the scottish castle never put down its drawbridge and invited the fitzsimmons in uh this one comes from seth

uh maybe fifth or sixth grade friend and i were at a church camp oh god kids were playing and someone had taken off their socks and shoes my buddy took a crap and a kid's sock and put it in one shoe then wiped his ass with the other sock and put it in the other shoe it's a nice story now you wonder if this was a church camp did did the counselors find this and say nobody touch anything this is divine intervention this shit came from god he wiped his ass on your tube sock some yeah maybe his image of his face is in that shit sock somewhere. Now come with me deep in the woods

so we can talk about it. That's combining both things. Church and camping. That's a giant red flag. Oh, what's that documentary? I haven't seen it, but it's high on my list. Was it God Camp? What's the name of it? I haven't seen it, but it's high on my list. Was it God Camp?

What's the name of it? I don't think I saw it. It's about Christian camps. Oh, yeah. I think it's still on Netflix. I have to see it. Jesus Camp, I think? Yeah.

Anyway, I'll try to see that by next week. Obituaries. And that's all, folks. Now, of course, hero Chuck Yeager, who broke the sound barrier and was a great American, hailed by all. We're going to skip him this week and go with Squiggy. Loved Squiggy. David Lander, a Brooklyn native.

He was from Lenny and Squiggy. Squiggy. David Lander, a Brooklyn native. He was from Lenny and Squiggy. And his comedy partner, Michael McKeon, created their Lenny and Squiggy characters while they were acting students at Carnegie Mellon University. Gary Marshall hired them, brought them on the show. They were on it for eight years.

Lander then went on to appear. Ready for this? Everybody thinks his career ended. He then went on to appear in The Love Boat, A League of Their Own, Star Trek, The Simpsons, Bold and the Beautiful, Scary Movie, Bob Newhart Show, Barney Miller, Happy Days, Married with Children, Twin Peaks, Mad About You, Pacific Blue, The Drew Carey Show. This guy fucking worked. No, true. I don't want to poke a hole in that i i think i would have liked to have seen him get more work in terms of like a steady gig you know what i mean yeah yeah no they were all guest appearances which don't pay a lot of money hopefully he

made his money on uh on laverne and and Shirley. But I'll tell you what. He did. There were a couple episodes of Laverne and Shirley where he did a band. It was him, him and Michael McKeon were Lenny and the Squigtones. They're on YouTube. They're so funny. They're so fucking funny. And they used to go out after the show ended. They used to go out and play concerts as Lenny and the Squigtones.

And it's almost like sha na na with more of an edge and uh and michael mckean could play guitar he's a fucking he's a good guitar player mckean is so impressive you know what is really impressive about michael mckean is that especially as a kid but i would have lost all my money betting on if one of those two, Lenny or Squiggy, broke out, all the money was on Squiggy. Yeah, yeah, right. You know, and that's a testament to, like, because McKean could not impress me more comedically, you know, and also, you know, his acting. He's just a heavyweight. Yeah, I mean, in—

Better Call Saul? Better Call Saul. I mean, he must have won an Emmy on one of those seasons. Just amazing. But how about you have Odin Kirk, you have a Saturday Night Live comedy writer who then was in a crazy, absurd sketch show on HBO playing the lead character,

and his brother is Lenny from Lenny and Squiggy. Yeah, right. And it's riveting drama. Right, right. Like, sad, too. So, he died of multiple sclerosis, died young, and...osis, died young. Dude, fighting it for the longest time.

And by the way, Lenny and the Squigtones, they featured Christopher Guest on guitar, who was credited. Yeah, they did an album. They did an album, credited as Nigel Tufnell, a name Guest would later use in the spoof rock band Spinal Tap, which had Michael McKeon in it. I want to read his book. I'm reading here the details that he came out with his autobiography in 2002. Yeah. Fall Down Laughing, How Squiggy—this is the title of the book. Fall Down Laughing, How Squiggy Caught Multiple title of the book fall down laughing how squiggy caught multiple sclerosis and didn't tell nobody he was diagnosed in 84 yeah wow and he hit it they say

he hit it because he didn't want to work to work against his acting career for people who didn't see uh laverne and shirley there was a thing that they did every week where Laverne and Shirley would be in a room and they'd be having a conversation and every week I would try to call when they would burst in the door. And by the way, that burst in the door is very much like Kramer. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very much. And it was like, hello. And it was always like school. it was always like Laverne and they would be cleaning out the garbage disposal. And Laverne would go, look at this fucking goop. What could be more disgusting? Hello. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a crap day. How could this day go any worse? Hello. And hysterical. I would even go back to Ed Norton on The Honeymooners. He used to make those entrances also.

Oh, no, you're right. Yeah. Ed Norton was, it's unbelievable seeing what that guy could, just physically, just in a conversation in a depressing Honeymooners kitchen. The guy was unbelievable. Art Carney. Let's do it. Let's cheer up now. Let's do the funnies this thing is like a wet rag at this point uh we want to thank our friend at gs artworks who's all

the way in germany big fan of the show he made a comic strip a beetle bailey comic strip um of me and mike and uh i'm not even going to read it. I'm going to just say go to our website. Or if you're not watching us on YouTube, God damn, you're missing out on my freshly shaved dome and my eighth grade shirt and Mike's fucking night at the Roxbury shirt. I'm wearing a long sleeve gray shirt.

That's it. Pretty gay. shirt well i'm wearing a long sleeve gray shirt that's it pretty gay ah hager the horrible this week i'm gonna take that as a insult because i know that's how you use the word gay still although i would say that shirt is gay is maybe the best insult you could get or your abs look really gay well thanks i wish you guys have great abs yeah that blow job was really gay all right what do we got so hagger's sitting at the bar there's a hot redhead with freckles i know that's a oxymoron sitting in between haager and his sidekick. You know, his sidekick has that, like, weird hat. The woman says to Hager, I love a man in horns. Hager looks at her and says, ready for this?

I'm spoken for. And then she looks at the other guy and goes, a funnel not so much, because he's got a funnel upside down on his head. Now, let me get this straight. Hager's at the bar because they're celebrating a good take. They just raided a castle, took some jewelry, maybe some silverware, and raped everybody. But now he's at the bar, and he's spoken for.

What is this, road rules? Does he have road rules and home rules? Okay, I had a different interpretation. If you look at his body position and his arms, which are underneath, I think he is currently raping someone under the bar. I see it. I totally see it.

And that's what I'm spoken for means. Like, give me a minute should have been it yep yeah he could say i'm sorry i'm not into consensual sex and maybe the name of the woman he's raping is horns so she says i love a man in horns ah there you go no but then he yeah and then he should say give me a minute uh rape now if you want just fucking great comics the lock horns i do you enjoy them as much as i do or am i am i overplaying this i think you enjoy them more but i do think it's it's good all right here's one loretta is standing with her hands on her hips.

Leroy is walking away, fists clenched in anger. And he goes, if I know how to push all your buttons, why can't I find the mute? That's a fucking great line. Yeah. It's weird to see someone actually writing jokes. Yeah. His name is Reiner.

Something in host Reiner? Is that what it looks like? I don't know. I put two in because I like him so much. And now you've got Loretta holding her phone up, snapping a photo of Leroy, who's standing there, who's got a big fat belly. And she says, I'm taking a picture to show you the next time you ask why the grocery bill is so high. That's what I like about them is like she counter punches for every time he shits on her, she shits on him. It's very even.

Yeah. We honestly don't have to spend much time on it. Let's just I'll just read it and let's just move on. Family Circus, the mom is looking down at the little dumb daughter and the dumb daughter is looking up and says, Mommy, where is my anatomy? And it's it's just there's no it's the first part of what maybe could be a joke if there was a second part, I guess. That's all. Second part could be, that's a complicated question, honey, but don't ask Uncle Ernie when he's visiting next week.

That's it. I'll take that. I'll take any attempt at humor. Blondie this week is sporting a knee-length mauve skirt. She's got on an emerald green tight sweater, sleeves over the shoulder, but the arms,

and again, I don't talk enough about Blondie's arms. They are thin, but again, the forearm is shaped like the calf. It's got a nice dissension to the wrist. It gets narrower. The bosom is heaving. He always gives you a nice, it's the last frame. You get a nice side shot of the boob. And she walks into the room. Of course, fucking Dagwood, for a change, is reading a book instead of watching the goddamn TV.

And, of course, she's up. It's always she's up on her feet, Dagwood's sitting on his ass. And she walks in with this beautiful terrycloth robe. It has the letter CB on the chest. Honey, look at this beautiful personalized robe I found on sale at the mall. Dagwood says, wow, it's a real beauty, sweetheart. He says, but my initials are DB, not CB. And she says, it's going to look wonderful on you, dear.

Then she walks away and goes, trust me, you'll get used to it, CB. Which, first of all, again, we're seeing Blondie come into her own in the last few weeks. Maybe. Because she had it engraved, and you know what the C stands for? Cuck. Cuck Bumstead. That's who he is.

Maybe, you know what you'd like in the last frame is her walking away like, maybe I'll find a grateful man whose initials are CB. That's right. Cock Bumstead. All right, listen. We've done it again. Mike Gibbons, we've said a lot. By the way, congratulations to the great Howard Stern

who just signed up for five more years. So I don't have to cancel serious is there a way to uh do i have to get serious or is there a way just to get stern on an app no there is a serious app but you got to sign up for the service however they are generous when you call them up they always have offers that expire after six months. Not expensive at all. You just got to, you know, do your work. Even when they wasted all that money on Oprah? Did they?

Oh, they gave her the biggest deal and then she didn't work. Wow. Didn't she have her friend host on the Oprah channel? Of course. I think Howard Stern went off on it for, I don't know, eight years. Yeah. Wow. Well, I'm sure he got paid again.

He generally gets $100 million. Didn't he get $500 million at one point? He's a Palm Beacher, man. He gets paid. He gets paid. Cashes those checks. All right. Well, listen, weashes those checks. All right, so— Well, listen, we want to thank, as always, Midcoast Media, who does a fantastic job.

Chris Denman, he's out there spreading the word about Sunday Papers, among other things. And Beth Hoops and all the other people. And I'm forgetting—Chris, I'm sorry. I always forget our editor's name. Will you put it up on the text message so I can say it right now? Can she put together some of our words to form her name and just cut it into right here? The editor is, it says key.

What does key mean? Huh? He wrote Key and then he wrote Ha Ha. That's her name. Key? Well, this isn't good that you don't even recognize her name, you disgusting animal. Oh, Keyaris. Keyaris.

I thought we had that guy who was out working with rock bands when he wasn't editing our show. Who was that guy? He's gone? Oh, who? COVID Bill? He's out working with rock bands. Okay, so Key is our girl. That sounds believable.

Key, you do a great job. Thank you for your work. Christmas gifts are coming. And we'll catch you guys next time. Thanks for listening. I forgot to sign my name on the gifts, but just know, thank you, guys. Hello? Take it, Ish.

Take it, Ish. Bye-bye. Stay safe. Sunday Papers Podcast Show with Greg and my dad.