Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 43 12/27/20

Episode Date: December 27, 2020

Mike snaps out of his Christmas hangover to talk to Greg about a Santa stuck in power lines, a father-son double murder and frozen Iguanas falling from the trees in FL. Follow Mike on Twitter @GibbonsTime

Sunday Papers Read all about it! It's Christmas! Oh! Oh! The Jews run the media. But you guys can read all about it on Christmas. All right.

Okay. Normally, I really look to that to pump me up, to get me going. It's going to be a tough one. I told you. What's going on? You look like you have COVID. I don't, according to the Los Angeles testing site. I do not.

I am really feeling sluggish though, man. I do not have it, whatever it is. I don't have the virus. I also don't have that zest for life. Did you drink a lot last night? Zero. Just so people know to give you context, this is the day after Christmas.

I did drink on Christmas. I drank quite a bit. It felt great. But not, I wasn't hungover. I guess I watered it down towards the end of the night. We went over at my sister's. We all tested like crazy. So we got tested on Tuesday, right? And it's a roughly a 24 hour turnaround nothing 24 hour later there's no results nothing 48 hours later and now it's time to go

over there on Thursday night and so my sister Laura had the great idea all right let's send one family member the one we think is like maybe the most susceptible to get a rapid test. So we did the rapid test right over here near you on Lincoln. Yeah. Have you been to that easy one? Yeah, it's great. You're in and out. Oh, my God.

And with Writers Guild, it's free. Right. So tested negative. And then we Christmas Day got our results and we're all negative great it's a great story it's i mean it's so good it's a good way to start the podcast so tired yeah i don't know you're not feeling sluggish no i feel fine um i didn't drink and uh you know we're doing a short podcast so i feel feel like, you know, I'm not overwhelmed. It already feels long.

Right? So, yeah, you sound stuffed up. I think I am a little stuffy, but who knows, man. There might be a lot of allergies and dust. There's just packing, you know, wrapping material everywhere. Like, I have to clean today. Well, how was your actual Christmas? And thanks for calling me back on Christmas Day.

You didn't call me. Yeah, yeah. Left you a very nice message. That's no way. Should I play it? Yeah. I honestly don't even know if it's on my phone. Of course it is.

You left one yesterday. Yes. At 3.14 p.m. Correct. You want me to play it? Of course. Oh. All right. Let's see if You want me to play it? Of course. Oh. All right, let's see if we can do this.

I hope I didn't say anything bad. Uh, you? Now hold it up to your, uh... All right, hold on, hold on. Merry Christmas, princess. How are you? Are you, uh, assembling. How are you? Are you assembling toys for the girls?

All right, man. Enjoy the holiday. And I hope you're having a good one. And I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow. All right. God bless. That's it. Yeah, you said we'd talk tomorrow.

You said we'd talk tomorrow. That's what friends do on Christmas. They call each other. You said we'd talk tomorrow. It's what friends do. It's what friends do on Christmas. They call each other. You said we'd talk tomorrow. Text, you know, something. I have a thing where I don't, I guess a little warning goes up, like you got a call, and then that's it. Like I have no, maybe I don't have the settings right.

Right. How was your Christmas, Gregory? It was very nice. We had a fire and, uh, the kids, I'll tell you what's nice. Both my kids are actively employed and they are so fucking generous. You know how when you're a teenager and you come into some money, you spend the shit out of it.

Yeah. So like my son bought me like brand new Adidas from the Adidas store on Abakini. They're like real high end ones. Wow. And Jojo bought Aaron a foot massager that she had me order through my amazon account that was 150 bucks they're like throwing shit around it was nice i told my kids we're like what do you want and i go and i sent them two links i go

here's a that's so pathetic here's a link to a little, a little protector shell that I put on my laptop. Cause I got a new laptop. And then here's a little spray, which is four 99. So my glasses don't fog. And that's, and is that all they got you? No,

no, no. They got me more than they then got other things. They thought it was pathetic, but that's all I could come up with. Yeah. What did you get them? Anything big?

Surfboards? No, there wasn't big items this year. I mean, there were sneakers and stuff like that. There weren't big items this year. But a lot of clothes, for sure. Right. But I had planned this game. So we're all going to...

It was a Christmas slumber party at my sister's and I saw this. It's not, I would not call it viral, but I did see it on Instagram. Some grandmother had the sickest game that she made her like grandkids play. And I'm like, I could not be more all about that. So here's the game. And I thought the girls would go crazy for it. You put money all over like the kitchen counter, right? Fives, ones, lots of them, maybe even some 20s in there.

A lot of money. And then you put mousetraps all around it and on top of it. And then you, real mousetraps, I got them, I love them, those old school little wooden ones that the most terrifying thing is setting it because you can't pull your fingers away and put it down. And you put mousetraps out and then you blindfold one at a time and then they have like a minute or until they quit to try to pick up as much cash as they can.

Yeah, we just gift wrapped sweaters and stuff. If my uncle pitched that game when I was a teenager, I would have forgotten about Christmas and just played that. I would have come up with variations on it. I would have made poker games somehow, like do you want to draw a card? I would have played it and that's all I would have done. Were the bills on the spot where the trap snaps or they were underneath the entire trap? No, they're kind of underneath and over it. But basically, it's like you try to make a mess that has essentially a lot of landmines

in it. And then they just are reaching down. It doesn't even matter where it is because they are reaching down to the counter to grab what they hope is just cash without a trap. And are they all going at the same time? So it's a frenzy? Who knows? It didn't fucking happen.

Oh, you didn't do it? No, they all looked at me like you did just now, you pussy. Maybe it's because four of them are girls like you. Maybe you just really resent giving to your children. And then I got a lot of shit because it was kind of fun. Two of them were like trying to touch it to see if it, because I put my hand down in one, right? I'm like, it's not going to break your finger.

And unless it catches it in an exact way, you know what I mean? But anyway, so I did one. And then they kind of did it. And they were shrieking and it was crazy great energy. Like that's the whole point. Two of them were like, not a chance. I'm not even going to like demo this thing. Yeah. And so then I thought it would be really funny, kind of like with firecrackers. I had a loaded mousetrap and I threw it at my daughter and it went off when it hit her stomach. And she didn't hurt her at all except i guess her emotions because she got very angry yeah yeah no we did a thing where i gave my

kids chocolates but i took a shit in one of them and i wrapped it in the package see we're fun yeah we like to do fun stuff yeah um i bet your mom appreciated that. How was mom's Christmas? Mom was good. We got on a FaceTime call with my sister, my brother, and my mom. But of course- Wait, where's your mom now? She's in Florida. Oh, I spaced. How long did she stay Thanksgiving? Did she leave? Did she stay a week? Yeah, two weeks. Oh, two weeks yeah two weeks okay yeah it was nice and then uh so of course she doesn't get on the call it's like she can't figure out it's literally as simple as answer your phone when it rings and it says facetime call yeah and so we finally get her on and she keeps yelling about how the Facebook calls don't work. And then she's got her camera.

She's doing it on her phone. And the camera has basically, it's a shot of her eyebrows. That's how close the phone is to her head. Yeah. And we can't instruct her on how to move it to her face. So she holds it down. And I don't know why. My mom's 78, and she still wears plunging necklines. And she's got it to her face. So she holds it down. And I don't know why my mom's 78 and she still wears like plunging necklines

and she's got it down her shirt. And we're all screaming, mom, move the camera. Mom, this isn't one of your cam shows. We're not paying you. Yeah.

I see what the sun can do. I see the warning about what the sun can do if you don't put on SPF. We get it. Grandma, Owen breastfed until he was 18. Please, we just got him off of that thing. Oh, man. I don't know why she's single down there. She is presenting.

The parents thing. So my parents, whatever, they're going through a bunch. And so we did we did we did that type of thing. But earlier in the week, they were like had an important like doctor's visit. And we're like, you guys have to remember, because so many times we'll ask questions like, oh yeah, what did he say about that? It's like, holy shit. I go, listen, ask the doctor if he wouldn't mind you record the part where he's giving you instructions and you have questions. And I go, it's a button on your phone voice memos. When I tell you from that sentence,

it's a simple button on your phone that's voice memos. I'm going to be realistic, at least 15 minutes. Yeah. Where is it? No idea. Including me like, holy shit. So I screen grab my page where you see the app that says voice memos and I send it to him.

On the page that it's on my phone, it's on the top row. So I sent it to him like, do you see it there on the top row? He's like, I don't. So this is now with a photo. I don't, I don't. And of course the reason he doesn't is he's not open. So the photos in the text thing, which isn't the full photo, you know, it cuts it off. So that took alone, that took six minutes to figure out that he wasn't, yeah. That he wasn't seeing the fucking top. It's like, forget it.

Just don't even listen to the doctor. You're fine. Just die. Just die. Yeah, it's amazing. And, you know, with the iPhone, she doesn't get frustrated. She gets angry at the industry, at the electronics industry there's like this this exhale through her teeth that it's not her fault that it's a conspiracy yeah yeah oh my god my mom came over

they get very safely they came over like they didn't they didn't they weren't part of the slumber party and she also was not into the mousetrap idea or whatever. So she came over and she went on. She sounded like, except she was legitimately angry. She wasn't trying to be funny. I guess there's this clothing Princess Polly or something that my daughters like clothes from. My mom has such vitriol regarding Princess Polly. She just went off on how terrible they were and then walked us through her tirades

with live representatives on the phone. And then what happens is Princess Polly tries to be all cute and like when your package arrives, it says like, hey babe, your package is here. She's like, don't hey, babe me. She went off on it. Yeah. Jojo also, we had a fire going and Jojo is, from a young age, has been a pyromaniac. And so every time I would leave the room, she would put five to seven more logs in until it was like the flames were filling.

The room was like everybody was in T-shirts. We're sweating. And the flames consumed the entire fireplace. All the oxygen sucked out of the home. I had to shovel ashes out for like an hour this morning. Oh, my God. Perfect. It's all good though it was a good everyone's healthy everyone's healthy um you know jojo was in good spirits they made uh they made some christmas drinks we let jojo have a couple drinks for christmas

yeah she enjoys quite a bit did you give the girls any cocktails? We did. We did. Yeah. One of them was a little over-served, and it was very sweet to see them caring for her. And I think it was like a combination of having not eaten, because it wasn't that much alcohol. Yeah. As far as you know.

That's what you don't realize. That's true, too. The difference from being a is like you sneak a drink for everyone you're given. But it was so cute. And they're like, you know, dad, like, you know, like tell her like, have you, you know, have you ever like had too much? And I'm like, yeah, like, right. But then like when you wake up, right, it's you're going to feel all better. Like when you wake up, like, well, I mean, are you talking about the time I woke up in prison after I stole the car when I drank? Like you can't you just have to be like, yes, of course.

No. One time I did. Absolutely. You wake up feeling like you have to play down. Yeah. So much of how you've lived. All right. You know what? How many Christmas cards you get this year? Yeah, not a lot. I usually get, I count them every year. And on a good year, we get over 60. That's a good year.

Nice. This year, 14 cards. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Well, did you send one out? Nope. I haven't sent one out in like two or three years. That's the thing that you realize about Christmas cards is it's, it's, there's equity in sending them. There's no, it's, people aren't going to send you a card, especially when you get that card on like January 6th, after you send yours out and you realize, oh yeah,

they held back a dozen cards for the people that came in late. I wasn't going to get one on the first wave. I got the second wave card. Right. Yeah. Which I don't give a shit. It's still a card. I didn't have the energy.

It would have been a good year. Everyone's long. It would have been a good year to send one for sure. You get any celebrity cards? I don't think so. I don't. Well, you know, as as you know Ellen has the COVID so

she probably didn't get around to it I don't think I did a lot of them go public you know what I mean they put it online or whatever or it's digital

I should say right you know what I do not like is the gift card or text you know it says Merry Christmas flashing

and there's a Santa dancing and you're going to fucking text me that? No, no, no. Less than fucking positive. It makes me feel like you think you're cute and you're taking time. You've got a life coach giving you time management tips.

I did tell your story, though, of you said gift card. It made me think of it. Because one of the. Is it Jif or Gif? It's technically Jif. I know this because the nerd empire wrote to me furiously. One show I did, we came up with a segment. It was going to be your parting gif.

Yeah. You know, like at the end of a show, a parting gif. And about 50,000 nerds were like, it's Jif. Yeah. So that segment went over well. But I told the story of, because one of the kids is, uh, really likes, uh, Starbucks like crazy and just asked for like Starbucks gift cards. And I remember that time at Ellen where you got everybody Starbucks gift cards. And when you gave it to him, you explained like these, these are

amazing actually. So what you do is you put money on there and then you can go to Starbucks with no money and just use that to pay for your coffee. But you gave everybody empty cards. There was no credit on them. You just grabbed a stack. Yeah. And I had just started. I, you know, I'd been there for a couple of months and I gave them to Eric Lederman and a couple of the other researchers. And they were so, I remember they were so touched because nobody gave them any respect. And they were like, this guy's all right. This guy's Fitzsimmons. He's different. Yeah.

A couple came back like, oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. Yeah, no, you load money on there. That's what they are. The best is then you know that they're standing on line and the whole order is different. It's like, you know what? No, give me the big one. Give me the extra shot, extra pump. Everybody's on line.

Hey, who wants a pastry? I got the card. Give me that home ice blended kit also. I'm going to make some of your frap-a-crap drinks at home. And then we want to give a shout-out to Dave Chamberlain for the song. Dave has been – I've got to give him a shout-out for the whole year. He has provided us with some logos, some songs. Very talented dude, very generous.

What show is this, 42? 43? I don't know. That sounds about right. 42, yeah. And we want to ask you guys to keep sending them in. The contest is coming up, the logo contest. This week's logo is from Crystal C and Kyle Kenny.

They sent it a while ago, and I was kind of saving it because it's a really special one. I really like it. What do you think of it? I mean, it's not flattering. No, by no means. We look like that could be a cover of In Cold Blood. We look like the two people that brutally massacred a family in Kansas

and then went to Florida. Don't you think that looks like it would be on a crime podcast? I was actually thinking Home Alone. We look like the two burglars in Home Alone. You're kind of right about that. Who do I look like there? Jim Laurie? Jim, what's his name?

Fishing with Jim? I forget his name. Jim Jarmusch? He was in that too. He actually was one of the guests on that. Yeah. And then we got some people, as you know, we have talked about,

and this isn't official, but we're thinking very seriously about locking down on a permanent theme song and a permanent logo based on the ones that were sent in last year and letting you guys vote on them only because we haven't been getting as many submissions as we used to and i feel like is that a signal that we should wrap it up or do you guys want to it's up to you this one this one comes from uh uh gabriel and sonia genteel time listener, first time complainer.

First off, let me say I love all your shows and can't thank you enough for all the content. Sunday Papers has become a ritual for my wife and I every week and love the shit out of you and Mike. Having said that, we have two beefs. Number one, you're locking down one song and one logo? This has to be the most asinine idea

since adding the Kindler segment. Just kidding. Love, Andy. But seriously, we look forward to the new song and logo every week. Please don't get rid of it. Just saying this because we have been writing a song for the show, but because having the community contribute gives us the illusion that you guys are actually accessible to us and that we're being heard. We are the most accessible show.

We do more submissions from you guys than any other podcast. Perhaps too accessible. Well, yeah. Yeah. Shut the fuck up, John. This one comes from John. No, that's a... Shut the fuck up, Kyle.

Crystal. Who? This one comes from John. No, that's a. Shut the fuck up, Kyle. This crystal who? This is from John, who says, I totally haven't shot myself. Gabriel. In no small part. Thanks to you guys. Sincere thanks to both of your long suffering producer, Chris, for whom I'm very sorry about the whole, quote, Biden thing and my role in it. I've actually won the president elect and he was a totally nice guy. Premature. Do not tell Chris that Biden is president-elect. It will not go well. There's still hope.

Yeah. He puts president-elect-question mark. And then he says, my vote, Gibbons, Silence of the Lambs, Little Greg Butterfly. I don't know if you guys remember that one. That was a really good logo. Yeah. It's a little specific. Yeah.

It might not be a week in and week out one. People will think we started our own favorite murder podcast. Right. Would that be bad for our ratings? Our favorite fake murder. Our favorite Hollywood murder podcast, maybe. Would that be bad for our ratings? Our favorite fake murder. Our favorite Hollywood murder podcast. Yeah. There's a new one.

So it's false crime, not true crime. There you go. Whole new genre, a false crime podcast. Speaking of false, our corrections from last week, couple quick ones. Segues. Arthur says, some consider Alaska, we talked about,

to be both the westernmost. I love geography nerds. I love them. Some consider Alaska to be both the westernmost and easternmost state in the U.S. because it wraps around to the eastern hemisphere near Russia. How about that? Nailed it.

And then... Arthur, way to go, man. Love that. No, I'm not mocking you at all. I legit like that letter. Well, we have more of that later in the viewer mail. Matt says Golden Visa, where one invests $500,000 into property in Portugal. You're right about everything else. Best beaches, most affordable, culture, great townspeople. It's from Matt. All right. All right, Matt.

Speaking of traveling around, if you enjoy me and my stand-up comedy, which, by the way, I've been putting clips up. My new one-hour special is being released two minutes at a time every Friday on my Instagram account. So if you want to check out the clips, they're on there. And if you want to see me live, I will be at the Indianapolis Helium Comedy Club January 7th through 9th.

That has not been canceled yet? Nope, I'll be there. Wow. Hazmat suit on. Holy crap. Phoenix on January 21 through 24. Kansas City also in January. Portland in February.

Sacramento in March. Raleigh, North Carolina in March. And San Francisco in April. Go to FitzDawg.com. Get yourself some tickets. All right. So do you think it raises the question, like, if you're out there and you're like an economy, you're participating in the economy, you know, kind of like restaurant workers and all that.

Should you maybe be further up the list on a vaccine? Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, my wife is works in a doctor's office and she got my son some part time work during the holidays in her office. So he's been he's been working there also. And then my daughter works in a daycare. So they're all front liners and i think they have a decent chance of actually getting the vaccine so i'm hoping they can slip me in because i mean let's face it let's fucking face it people talk about depression anxiety how do you relieve that everybody says number one thing is you gotta laugh i am I am a frontline worker. I'm coming in. I'm supporting local business by bringing people out. We sell booze. We keep servers employed.

It's all safe. We do 50% capacity. Everybody wears masks. They have ventilation systems. And so I'm encouraging people to come out and I'm encouraging Fauci to get me the fucking shot. So I'm encouraging people to come out and I'm encouraging Fauci to get me the fucking shot. So I just want to sum up what you said. Laughter is the second best medicine. That's what I heard. Yes. Perhaps the first one is created by science and not a shitty childhood, a challenging childhood.

Well, doctors all think they're funny. You ever had a doctor put his finger up your ass and not make a joke about it? We've talked way too much about this already. Yes. Hey, so my mom and stepfather were over, and they're both in their late 70s. And they, like, questioned. It was interesting. They're like, why us? Because if you're over 75, you do move up the list. Yeah. And he's like, we're not going to do anything different. In other words, like we're first of all, we, you know, we don't work. So we're not getting the economy moving in any way. I mean, we're consumers, but we're still consuming. And, you know, they're

still going to be, even if they get vaccinated, they're not running around. You know what I mean? Right. I think it should be for older people that are in nursing homes or in areas where you've got a lot of old people packed together, making love to one another because of Viagra. And I don't think it should be for people like your mom because, you know, yeah, what does she do? Grocery shop once a week, and otherwise she just stays at home and walks on the beach? Yeah, they're really laying low. I mean, and they're really laying low, yeah.

But, you know, if your whole family got it, you know, you could just go crazy. Who cares? Right. Go to Indianapolis. Go. But, you know, if your whole family got it, you know, you could just go crazy. Who cares? Right. Go to Indianapolis. Go to Phoenix, KC. Ridiculous. You're working against my ticket sales right now.

No, no. It's all good. First of all, keep in mind, most of those places, they firmly think it's still a myth. So they're going to be packed houses. Fuck the half capacity. Wait, if the entire city denies it, is it still possible to physically catch it? Well, they say part of it is mind over matter. You're just like, you're just not going to get it. Yeah. Positive thoughts. I was like that with

AIDS and look at me now. A-OK. See? That was one thing I thought about, by the way. At that Dodger game, you know, where famously Turner came out and he had it, but he couldn't resist posing for photographs with everybody. But they cut up to the stands, and there's Magic Johnson without a mask on. And I'm like, that's a bold move, no? Yeah, right? He's compromised.

He's the photo child of, poster child of immunocompromised. It's in the name. But do you think that if you have AIDS, you have it for life? Or do you think he's actually gotten it out of his system? I don't, I mean, by the way, I might be wrong here. No, I'm being serious. I know you are, but it's such a funny thing like getting AIDS out of your system. I think you have it for life. I think it's incurable.

Listen, I don't know what I'm talking about. This is my bet. I think it's incurable but manageable. All right, well, I'm sure we'll get some corrections on that. But I told you one of my biggest disappointments, but it goes to how literal Norm MacDonald is. And I've said this before, but we're doing a sports show with Norm MacDonald, and in came one of the great jokes.

I don't know who wrote it, but I thought it was a great joke. Sports Illustrated that week came up with the 10 best NBA shots of all time. And so, you know, he lists some real ones. And coming in at number one, coming in at the number one greatest shot in NBA history, whatever shot Magic Johnson takes every morning. Whatever shot Magic Johnson takes every morning. And he didn't do it because Norm knew it wasn't a shot.

I'm like, oh, my God. Come on. Yeah. Don't get in the way of it. All right. Speaking of staying safe, if you want to do it with your computer, which you need to, look at the hack that happened to our country at the hands of Russia, or as Chris Demmon, our producer, would say, at the hands of China. It was so intense and pervasive. And this is like government systems that have unbelievable antivirus software. You need to take yours to the next level.

Express VPN. It is a way of taking yourself to the next level. It also works if you want to keep your identity secret. That sounds creepy. But if you don't want to be— It doesn't sound creepy to me at all. You don't get hacked as much? I don't want Delta and United knowing I'm looking for a flight.

Right. So, you know, do it. Or Spank Wire. Hackers make up to $1,000 from selling someone's personal information, and they're doing it all the time. Your ExpressVPN funnels your data through a secure encrypted tunnel so that no matter what device you use, you can have peace of mind. You can use it on your data through a secure encrypted tunnel so that no matter what device you use, you can have peace of mind. You can use it on your phone as well as your computer.

It connects automatically. Every time my computer logs in, it pops up that it's working. If you want to set yourself in another country, then websites will read you as from Canada, which saves you on airline tickets. If you purchase airline tickets from the U.S., they are more expensive than if you do it from, say, England or Canada, which is how I buy all my tickets now. So do it. If you visit expressvpn.com slash papers right now, you can arm yourself with an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash papers.

Visit ExpressVPN dot com slash papers to learn more. That was good. That was really good. And it's interesting to learn that you're taking British Airways to Indiana. And paying with pounds. Exactly. All right. What do we have, a podcast? Let's get to it. and paying with pounds exactly alright what do we have a podcast

let's get to it here's the front page oh boy extra extra we all love it extra a northern California man impersonating Santa Claus is that how you say impersonating doesn man impersonating Santa Claus. Is that how you say impersonating?

Doesn't impersonating imply that there's a real Santa Claus? He's playing. He's playing Santa Claus. Come on. And flying on a powered parachute. Did you know that was a thing? I've seen videos of stuff like that. What do they wear wear like a fan?

I guess they've got a fan with a lot of fucking nylon and ropes. What can go wrong there? Yeah. And he was rescued Sunday after he became entangled in power lines. Yeah. The incident happened shortly after the man took off near a school in Rio Linda to deliver candy canes to children in his community. He flew into a maze of power lines and wound up suspended in them.

Daddy, did Santa shit his pants? They don't give a shit. Like, throw down the canes. Throw them down. Hang them off the wire. It'll look beautiful.1-1 not till he throws the candy down boy those fucking reindeer took off huh yeah what happened to them they're not like you know you see these dogs when like their owner gets falls down and breaks their leg and they'll

like they'll they'll just lay there and comfort him. Reindeers are like, we're fucking gone. Have you seen the Michael Rapaport videos that go viral where they'll take something that's really unusual looking, and he's like, ma! It was like two moose fighting in the fritz, usually nature or animals. And one was, though, this snake from a power line had a crow in its mouth and was like, mother fucking snake has the crow.

But I just so he sees these videos and then he dubs in his it would be so much the fucking Santa's on the power lines. Get out here. Yeah, he's fucking funny. I love that guy. A federal judge said the Justice Department unlawfully rescheduled the execution of the only woman on federal death row. She was set to get electrocuted on January 12th, and they pushed it. on January 12th and they pushed it. Montgomery was convicted of killing 23-year-old Bobby Joe Stinnett in the northwest Missouri town of Skidmore

in December of 2004. If you're a woman and your name is Bobby Joe, the likelihood of you getting murdered is exponentially higher. And it's even higher for murdering. She used a rope to strangle Stinnett, who was eight months pregnant,

and then a kitchen knife to cut the baby girl from the womb. Prosecutors say Montgomery removed the baby from Stinnett's body, took the child with her, and attempted to pass the girl off. So the baby survived. Yes. I remember this story. Yeah.

So the legal team argued that the client suffers from serious mental illness. Yeah, that's that's a solid case. I think you might be able to fly that one. And what's amazing to me is like women, including my wife and your ex-wife, are so fucking hyper-focused on, you know, they're carrying the baby. You got to eat omega-3s and leafy green vegetables, and you got to do prenatal yoga. No, these motherfuckers are survivors. Okay. Honey, calm down.

I could cut that fucking thing out of you right now while watching my show. Get out of the down dog and make me a fucking tuna fish sandwich. It was rescheduled. She wasn't ready. Listen, man, she's the only woman on death row. She wasn't ready. She needs more time. You're going to be late.

Yeah. You're going to be late to going to your own execution. I wonder if her new daughter is going to show up and watch. Because you know these. New daughter. I don't know how many years ago. It doesn't. Oh, it was in 2004.

Yeah. So the daughter's 16. Wow. I bet the daughter shows up. For what purpose? She's got to be pissed. You know, she killed her fucking mother. Yeah.

So she's going to go watch her doctor, her OBGYN, her mom's doctor be killed. I don't even know how to make this funny. That is crazy. Did you see, uh, what was it? Oh, what was there was,

there was a baby that was cut out of a mom. Oh Jesus Christ. It was, uh, Ozark. Do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, what happened? Okay. And Ozark, the spoiler alert. So don't listen for only 20 seconds. But it was the. Oh, you're going to sum something up in 20 seconds?

Well, not if you interrupt me. The pastor, the priest guy's wife was pregnant. They were expecting. And then those hillbillies took the baby. Yeah, that was awesome. All right. We're done talking about it, even with the interruption. All right. Give me these next two stories.

Okay, I thought this was cute. You know, it's Christmas, and these are heartwarming family stories. I think especially after that last one, it's nice that you pulled up a couple nice ones. And these are two father-son stories. So the first one is, when Matt Goodman turned 21, he wished his father could have been there to celebrate with him. Little did he know that his dad, who passed away six years ago, had already made plans to attend, not in person, but in spirit.

John Goodman left his son a $10 bill to buy his first beer, a secret his mom and sister kept from him all those years. That happened. That is so amazing. I fucking love that. And all he did is he went to the bar and he took a photo of the $10 bill and he bought his first beer with it.

He just posted that on his Facebook, which is a pretty modest account, I think. And then people started sharing it and went viral. And now they started a Kickstarter account. They're filling it so he can continue buying drinks, become an alcoholic, and die like his father. You are not far off. Budweiser said the next one's on us, and they sent him eight cases of beer. Ah, that's nice. I think it could have been a little more than eight. What's a year's worth of beer for them?

Yeah, I know. Or a lifetime? Eight cases is... A weekend. 32 six-packs. No, you should drink a six-pack in a weekend if you're a normal drinker. A six-pack in a weekend if you're a normal drinker. A six-pack in a weekend if you're 21 years old? No, I guess not.

Yeah, what are you, crazy? You'll never get to the mousetrap game at that rate. Yeah. Okay, here's our second father and son story. What's the second one? These are sweet. Second father and son story. 60-year-old Kevin James Coker found one of his dogs dead on Saturday night. I know.

And he was distraught. So he drove to his son's house in Wagerville, or I bet it's pronounced Wagerville, Alabama, to see his son. His boy told him that he killed the father's dog. So the father fired his pistol, hitting his son in the thigh. Ouch. His son immediately grabbed his shotgun and fired at his father close up, killing him instantly. The son

was then taken to the hospital where he died soon after. Wow. He loved that dog. That's so sweet. He loved that dog. I mean, everyone in that story is dead. Everybody dies. The dog.

You don't have to worry about the dog not being taken care of. What the? Right. That's insane. I wonder. The sickest part is the son didn't die right away. He had to sit in the hospital and think about killing his father for a little while while struggling for his own life. Well, if you're writing this scene in the movie, you're like, wait, how do both die?

All right. Well, obviously, one has to be wounded in order to still kill the other one. It's like the Romeo and Juliet ending. Like, all right, how do both die? Yeah. How do we move those puzzle pieces around to get that result?

I mean, we do Florida Man every week, but Alabama Man has got to be way fucking darker. I don't even think they can publish

half the stories that come out of there. No, no. The successful Alabamans move to Florida. Yeah, right. That's the dream. Yeah.

So, yeah, a little heartwarming family stories right there. Nice that you pulled those. Let's do international. Let's do it. Thailand. Alabama. You ever been to Thailand? I have been to Thailand. I think Thailand is Asia's Alabama. You ever been to Thailand? I have been to Thailand.

I think Thailand is Asia's Alabama, isn't it? It was weird. So we went there, and very quickly, a friend of my dad's was head of Planned Parenthood in Thailand. Huh. And they were responsible and the government welcomed it to test for STDs all of the famous, I think it's called the Pot Pond District or something, all the famous clubs where prostitution is legal. But it's such a huge tourist industry that they wanted people to feel safe in all this. So they wanted to brag about kind of state-of-the-art testing and regulation. So that guy took me out. So my parents were there also. I was probably 20, whatever I was, in college. And he then goes, hey, so you got to see the Potpon District.

So we walked down. I walk in. We both walk in. I'm in front of him. We walk in the bar, the most insane, beautiful, insanely beautiful women wearing bikinis, high heels and numbers on like on the bikini, like, like almost by the way, very telling. It was very much like, like a beauty pageant and which also treat them as products. So there's a, I got to get that little femme shout out in the story somehow. So there's a number on them and they walk towards me and my eyes could not be more wide open. I'm like, Oh my God. And all of a sudden they get close to me and zoom, zoom, zoom. They all pass. Don't even talk to me. Almost with disdain. And I realized he had entered behind me at that point. And they hate him because he's the one responsible for them all having to get tested constantly. Oh, no shit. Yep. So they don't want to be clean.

They don't want to get cured of their venereal diseases. Masks don't work. It's the same, actually, logic. We are clean. We're businesswomen. Let us do our thing. Stop with all the regulation. And when you say businesswomen, how close did you look at their bottoms? Because this is Thailand.

What do you mean? What are you talking about? The ladyboys. They have the ladyboys. Oh, no, no, no. Right, right, right. These were not those. Although we had Brody Stevens famously and he talks about it. So it's public. He talked about it famously, did wind up with a lady boy. Was it through a handjob shack or. I think they met actually at a club maybe when, you know, they were down there shooting Hangover 2.

And I think they were out maybe karaoke. I think I vaguely remember the story. So it was at a bar. It wasn't a professional arrangement, I don't think. Yeah. And did he make love with her? That, I don't think it went that far. But it's unclear, but they hit it off.

Do you think Brody was gay? That's a tough question. I do have my own views of it. I don't know. First of all, of course, it's an I don't know. We'll never know. But my answer is definitely not a no way.

Yes. Yes. And by the way, I kind of feel OK saying all this because, God, he had a funny joke about it. But he put him. Didn't he say he was. Eighty percent straight or something. He had a thing for a while he would talk about on stage when he, when he discovered that the popular new view is that it's a, there's a spectrum. It's not black or white. Hey, look, I'm not judgmental. I'm the guy that walked into the woods to blow a guy back in college. Didn't do it, but at least I fucking thought about it. I'm 97, 70% straight. Yeah. No, 97. All right. Um, 70% straight, yeah. No, 97.

All right. And then, all right, it's time. We talked about it. Let's do Florida, man. Hell yeah. All right, let's start with one story, and then we're going to fold it into a year-end wrap-up. All right.

South Florida could experience the coldest Christmas in 21 years. Morning lows on Saturday could drop into the low 30s. The National Weather Service in Miami tweeted earlier this week, quote, falling iguanas are possible. Wasn't that something in the Book of Revelations?

Wasn't that like how you knew the end frogs were going to fall from the sky? If you need yet another sign from Florida that you shouldn't be there, maybe this is it. Because they're cold-blooded reptiles, iguanas living in South Florida trees often become immobile in chilly weather, causing them to drop to the ground, although they are still alive. It happens to grandparents, too, by the way. Yeah, it's hard to tell with that skin quality whether or not that's grandma or an iguana. Imagine going out in the yard with your phone, filming, like, iguana, iguana, grandpa, iguana,

iguana, iguana. And they're all belly up with curled fingers just frozen on your lawn. But not dead. Although grandpa's fingers are curled around one of those life call buttons. So somebody sent this in, which was very cool. This is the 60 crazy florida headlines from 2020 uh so i'll just read some of the top ones uh there was a narcotics found in package labeled bag full of drugs during a traffic stop in Florida.

The next number is a whole or almond milk fight over which is better lands Florida man in jail. We did that one. We did that one. I loved it. The guy who got the cops called on him for yelling shoot during a hockey game. Yep. We cover that also. This is where we're. Come on. we're one of the greatest news outlets.

We don't miss these. All right, ready for this one? Man caught camping on Disney's Discovery Island, says it was tropical paradise. We covered that. There you go. Thief hid face with underwear while stealing Walmart electronics. Thief hid face with underwear while stealing Walmart electronics. How about stealing?

Yeah. How about stealing a mask for multiple reasons? Yeah. Hey, did you? There was far to news this week. Did you hear about the all the cocaine that washed up on shore? No, really? I love those stories. You know, like kind of like it was a white Christmas.

You know, there were a lot of jokes about that. But they're saying it's happening more and more, including not just cocaine, but weed. Like bricks and bricks and tons. Let me let me look up the story now. I forget how many this was, but let me. What would you Google? Cocaine, Florida. That has to be a pop.

That has to be a lot of results. Yeah, I think that's going to get you a lot. But if you hit news, do that and then hit the news tab. Seventy four pounds of cocaine. Well, no, 174. They found 74.

What would you do if you were on a desolate Florida beach and you found like a kilo of cocaine came up on shore. I'd finish my screenplay. And it would be a lot fucking better. I'd clean the garage twice. Yeah.

All of a sudden in the sitcom, there's a guy who gets a lot done. Yeah. Right. Exactly. Wait. So what would you do? Seriously? Huh. I mean, yeah, yeah, you'd have to you'd have to turn it in.

Really? I think you have to. That I'm even struggling with this is embarrassing. Of course you do. I would call the authorities and I would say, listen, I found a kilo of cocaine. So if you want to come pick up the half kilo of cocaine, I'll be on Sunset Drive. And the quarter cocaine will be. You know where you can find me? In the club. I'll be in the club and I'll give you the gram of cocaine when you guys show up. Also, wouldn't you be really paranoid?

I know this, again, is totally the incorrect answer. Wouldn't you be really paranoid of what it is? Like what's cut in there? No, that shit's pure. That's the stuff that they step on once it gets here. That's the real deal. Listen to your lingo. By the way, as I'm sitting in this closet, Sophie, my oldest, is down the hall and I could not be more jealous.

Speaking of cocaine, she just started Breaking Bad, which I know is about meth. But I, boy, I'm so envious. And his new one, I know we're not entertaining yet. Well, we'll save it. We'll talk about it there. But this, yeah, there's drugs washing up all over Florida, of course. That's kind of a fun game. Like, give me something to Google. You want me to incest Florida? No, you know what I just looked up is you can buy a test. I'm literally on the website where you can test the purity of cocaine. So I would buy that.

I'm sure no one's watching that search in your algorithm. Yeah, right. But no, I would keep it and I would give it to all my friends. I would give all my friends, like, you know, an ounce each. And then I would call Joey Diaz because he would know a guy who would buy it off of me for, you know, tens of thousands of dollars. So let's review. You find it. You decide to do the absolute heinous thing of keeping it. And then you immediately involve friends. Well, that's why you call it a friend. Father and daughter charged with incest after neighbor catches them having sex.

Okay. Wait, the daughter was charged as well? Well, come on. She's 19. Oh, my God. This is, by the way, it's so easy. This is all you have to do. So we have to come up, Suggest some things we should Google.

Florida, not even the word end. Just Florida incest is what I did. There's so many results. Can you hit the images icon on that? Oh, no. Well, I'm seeing this group. She could have done better than her father, if you want my opinion. Cocaine goes for $10,000 to $20,000 a kilo.

What's a kilo? Two pounds? 2.2 pounds, I believe. No, is it a lot more than that? Florida kilo. I'm Googling it. No, no. Yeah, 2.2 pounds. How did I know? I shouldn't have known that. I should Googling it. No, no. Yeah, 2.2 pounds.

How did I know? I shouldn't have known that. I should get in that trade then. All right. I like that Florida game, though. All right. And that's before you step on it. You can fucking double that money if it's pure. You and your step on it jargon. All right. Come on. You used to do cocaine, didn't you? We did cocaine in college together, I'm sure. I cut it with things. I don't step on it. Jargon. All right. Come on. You used to do cocaine, didn't you? We did cocaine in college together, I'm sure. I cut it with things. I don't step on it. No, I never dealt cocaine.

I proudly can say I never... I didn't say deal it. Did you do it? Oh, I did do it. Well, keep in mind, I went to boarding school. In boarding school, we had kids like sophomores and juniors who were like, oh, coke. Like they were over it. They were jaded. Yeah. They're like New York City kids up there at boarding school. And they had already gone through the ups and downs of cocaine. I would buy an eight ball, which is three and a half grams, and I would be able to sell two and a half and make enough that I would get the gram for free for myself. And that was all done in about five minutes. And then you'd write about it in your marketing or whatever in your business class. My college application.

Yeah. All right. So let's move it down to entertainment. Mike, why don't you kick us off with some of the news that you looked up for the entertainment section? You know, there was no news. It's Christmas. You see that every week. Do you want me to look up? I'm going to Google right now.

I'm going to Google Florida Entertainment. I'm going to Google Florida entertainment. You ready? Yeah. Let's see. Well, they have Disney and all that shit. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's just shooting dead iguanas for entertainment.

That was a bad search. Forget it. 15 best things to do. All right. No. I just thought we'd talk about. All right. So, Your Honor, the Bryan Cranston show on Showtime is great.

I think there are three out. It's either three or four. And holy shit, did the last one last Sunday and on a cliffhanger. So can't wait to watch it tonight if we're going to pretend tonight's Sunday. So there's only three so far. I think there are three and the fourth one's coming out. There's only four altogether? No, I don't know. I'm assuming 10.

All right, because I'm going to wait because I gave up my Showtime because I realized I was carrying about nine fucking premium channels. And then all of a sudden I get rid of Showtime and there's like tons of new shows on Showtime I want to see now. There are a lot. I'm liking it. So Midnight Sky, Clooney's new movie on Netflix is supposed to be awful. Awful. Producer Chris Saad hated it. The problem with Clooney is that he's awful. Awful. Producer Chris Saad hated it. The problem with Clooney

is that he's now George Clooney. He's no longer like, you know, like a leading man that has like a flair for producing and he's going to do something interesting. Now he's a brand. He's got a fucking tequila company. He's married to a woman

who's, you know, legitimately an intellectual political figure in the world scene. You know, he an intellectual political figure in the world scene. You know, he's he's too big to do anything interesting anymore. Right. And I feel the same way about my podcasts. That's true. It's very hard not to see you rather than you rather than, you know, the artifice rather than your creation, your persona.

I have to lose myself in Sunday papers. rather than your creation, your persona. I have to lose myself in Sunday papers. I mean, I think I do when I'm screaming, read all about it, but then I suddenly become Greg Fitzsimmons again. Speaking of shitty movies, apparently Wonder Woman.

Keep in mind, I was the bad guy saying what a piece of crap the first Wonder Woman was. Yeah. Because boy, that was not allowed. You couldn't say it was too long and tiresome and boring. You couldn't say any of that. It was the female director, female. I think that's what it was. And the time it came out, the female superhero movie.

Yeah. That and Black Panther were untouchable. And I say to you, it is sexist giving it a free pass. Interesting. Just like Crazy Rich Asians, piece of shit. And all the reviewers who are terrified to say so are racist. Well, although, you know, people say that about Hannah Gadsby's specials, but I will stand firm and say, laugh out loud. Giggle.

I don't giggle a lot. But she is just, she's the kid you can picture in school standing on a desk and making everybody laugh. She was the one at the keg party who could just get a round of people just laughing at everything that came out of her stupid, oh, shit, I fucked up. Oh, you fucked that up. But, yeah, I mean, Crazy Rich Asians. Listen, fine movie. The Asians ruined it. I don't know why anyone couldn't have said that.

Whenever I intro Bobby Lee at the comedy store, I always say, you saw him starring in Crazy Poor Asians? Bobby Lee, everybody. That's great. Of course, now he's fucking rich. I'll see Wonder Woman if she sings Imagine, whatever her name is, because that really helped at the beginning of the pandemic. All right. So let's get to.

Oh, and I'm watching Atlanta, by the way, which I don't know why it took me this long. You didn't watching atlanta holy mother of god what a fucking show it's so good it's so good and it's so different it's like and not just because it's like really you know in the black world and it's like discovering cultural things about i mean i knew a fair amount about the the black scene in atlanta because i i was a showrunner on this show that was set. So we used to go to the, I used to go to the fucking projects in Atlanta. That's weird. It was duck dynasty, wasn't it? It was duck dynasty. Yeah. Yeah. It was the hunting series. Now, wait a minute. Have you gone to the episode,

you know, that, that caused the most chatter? I don't know if they're there yet. Which one is it? the most chatter? I don't know if they're there yet. Which one is it? They visit a house where an old black guy lives. Yes. Oh, no, no, no. I saw a different... No, I haven't got... We're just... Just started season two. Dude.

There is an episode coming up that is unbelievable. Really? Yeah. Unbelievable. They go to pick up a piano or something like that. I forget what it is. They go to pick something up almost like a Craigslist. They go to a guy's house and that's all I'll say. And it's amazing. I mean, the stuff they do is so edgy, but it's never trying to be. It's not setting out to say something, but it does just by the

very specific details of the characters. It says something. Did you see one where he won? I forget. I watched it so long ago. But the rapper, the guy who was hit, wants to get a haircut? No, I haven't seen that one

yet. That's another, like as a writer, you're going to watch and be like, oh my god. It it's like so simple he just wants to get a haircut like it's just it's it's great yeah that guy uh Donald Glover's a fucking genius he really is he's by the way the haircut one I honestly I don't even know if he makes an appearance in that one no there's an entire episode in the first season, which is just like commercial parodies and sketches. Oh, that was really weird. That was really weird and funny.

It reminded me of like I did projects in high school or college where you just had a camera and you shot shit with your friends. That's what it felt like. One other little thing. On Netflix, there's a new show uh called sound explode song exploder and it was based on a podcast and i remember i found the podcast and basically the guy interviews a creator of a song and they really break it down and um like you know sort of deconstruct it so i remember the one i watched on Netflix though, was, um,

hurt by nine inch nails. No, and it's really good, but the film one, the podcast was really more technical because obviously it was just like a phone interview or whatever it was. And they're like, what is that sound? And what, what, how did you come up with the song? This one, like, obviously gives you, not obviously, but it gives you more of a background of like Nine Inch Nails and Trent Reznor and all that stuff. But I'll tell you what, on the podcast, the podcast does Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac and Lindsey Buckingham like walks you through and it's so cool. Like you hear things like he's trying to be creative,

trying to crack this nut, trying to, and then he hears street fighting man by the Rolling Stones and he hears that drumming and everything opened up for him. And then that was the start. So he goes to McFleetwood and he's like, I want that like exactly and we'll do we'll do something different with it and get this mick fleetwood couldn't do

it he couldn't do charlie watt's drum thing so it became something different and then they just kept building on and of course it was written uh he and um and uh what's her name uh stevie nicks were going through a bad breakup. And that's what Go Your Own Way is all. Anyway. Yeah, the Rumors album that was on Rumors. And it was like that whole album. They had just finished a horrible breakup or they're in the middle of a horrible breakup.

And it was like people in the band were fighting. Everybody was on drugs. It was total fucking chaos. And they produce a perfect album like one of the greatest albums ever made by the way street fighting man you know what's fucking cool about the production of that song is that keith richards in the most badass song i mean sympathy for the devil and street fighting man their most badass songs he's playing an acoustic guitar, Keith Richards. Ah, yeah. Yeah. That's very cool.

Also, oh, let's get to sports. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus Christ. As people know, Tampa Bay, Buccaneers, Mike and I have a standing bet. I have the Buccaneers in every game with points, or I should say giving away points. I think they gave points in every single game except for one this year. How could I lose my phone in a closet? It was right here.

Last week, Mike lost. Holy shit. No, no, no. Wait a minute. No. I won, motherfucker. You won because Tampa Bay beat Atlanta,

but they only beat them by three and the point spread was six and a half. So you're down to only owing me $50. However, latest update. Which, keep in mind, is perfect. Like, almost perfect

because I think we have an odd amount of, you know. I really am losing my mind. I've lost my phone sitting in a fucking closet, and I know it's in here. Can I finish the story, or do you want to go on about what you're missing? Well, I'm trying to find the goddamn score because they're playing right now. I just looked it up. I just looked it up.

Relax. I found my phone. They won 47 to 7. So you are now down $100. Oh, shit. I guess the, the cult coaching staff for. Five coaches. They try to get the game postponed. The NFL would hear none of it. And by the way,

when I read the details, the guy's like, you know, one thing we asked for was just that it be pushed till Sunday. Cause then I'm, then I'm in the clear. I'll be and we'll all be there. And I think I think he went into lockdown Tuesday. So I does anyone understand the NFL's rules on how they're dealing with this? I don't know, but couldn't have this guy sat in a fucking room with a teleprompter and still coached the game? Do they have to be on the side of the field? I don't know.

They said he was in a nearby hotel. I don't know. Well, my pool that I've been in since the beginning of the season, there was 200 people. Everybody threw in 20 bucks, so it's a $4,000 pot. Out of 200 people, there are six left. One of them is the Fitz dog. Oh, my God. So this week I have Chicago.

I have to give – I get seven points. Chicago's playing Jacksonville. No, no, I'm giving seven points they are playing jacksonville who is tied for last place with the jets who fucking won last even they can't even they can't even win right oh my god end of the season you want the you want the first round draft pick next year so you don't want to win games now the jets Jets fucking beat, of all people, your Rams. My Rams. You know, that's the disease I have.

The only reason I have a soft spot for the Rams is because I forget, maybe I was 11, and I dressed up as Joe Nemeth in Rams uniform. But it all is rooted, even my sort of affection for the Rams is rooted in the Jets.

It's all about, it's Joe Namath. It's all Joe Namath. That's my whole thing. So that's why I no longer follow sports. Go ahead. Well, Jacksonville and the Jets now are, I got to think, trying to lose this week. So I can't lose because i'm betting against jacksonville they're not playing each other are they no my point is oh that would be fucking great that

would be they should do that would be hysterical every year the two last place teams should play in the last game of the season just laterals flea flick All right, let's get to science. Oh, boy. They blinded me with science. Don't. We just had to pay for that song. Fauci. You want me to do it?

Sure. All right, you wrote it, so this should be an interesting read. Will Santa still—I don't even like how it starts. Will Santa still be able to visit me in coronavirus' season? Did I read that correctly? Well, you have to see that there's quotes around it. Did you—have you read? Have you read things before?

I know, but coronavirus' season? He's six. The kid's six. Okay. Ask six-year-old Paxton from Geneva, Illinois during a CNN Sesame Street town hall Saturday, quote, what if he can't go to anyone's house or near his reindeer? End quote. I took care of that for you. You forgot to say new quote. Oh, that's right. That's what you're supposed to do when you see a quotation mark. New quote. I took care of that for you because I was worried that you'd be all upset, comma, end quote. Dr. Anthony Fauci responded. Doctor, period. It's abbreviated. New quote. So what I did a little while ago, colon, I took a trip up there to the North Pole, comma.

Commas not grammatically correct there. Maybe semicolon. Probably could have used the period. I went there and I vaccinated Santa Claus myself, period. He can come down the chimney, comma. not a comma. He can leave the presence, maybe a comma. He can leave and you have nothing to worry about, period, close parentheses. Should I read your joke? Yeah. Unless he hangs himself on electrical wires. Don't look up little boy. Don't look in the wires. These fucking kids.

I mean, you think about a workplace that's unsafe. The L the elves workshop. Jesus Christ. There's no social distancing. Yeah. And it's confusing when there's very little risk. There's very, I don't know, I'm trying to work a little in there. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah. They're indoors. They're right next to each other.

I wonder if the CNN Sesame Street town Hall has covered other issues this season. Did they do Trump's swatting a prostitute in the ass with a magazine with his face on it? Hey, kids, gather around. Remember that baby that was cut out of the mom? We're going to do a little wraparound segment with you guys. Chat it up. Raise your hands with questions. No, your mommy was not cut open when you were born, Jimmy.

As far as you know. She had it out of her vagina. Which might have been cut open. Oh, isn't that terrible? Isn't that terrible what women go through? Nobody talks about the fact that they snip vaginas to get the babies out. Yeah, I don't.

I think that's good. I think that's the right move. Not talking too much about that. Yeah. What do they call it? Does it begin with a P? Yeah, it starts with a P, but then I think there's like an s

oh one of those tricky ones yeah like psychology or psoriasis a psychotic snip a psychological damage uh a psyops all right i don't think we do business let's skip hey but you get business but you want to talk about te business. But you want to talk about Texas or you want to save that? I want to do this because I can make it local. So Oracle is the latest tech company to move its headquarters out of California. They're going from Silicon Valley to Austin, Texas. So I guess a lot of other companies, Hewlett Packard is moving to San Jose. It's from San Jose to Houston. Palantir is moving to Denver.

Tesla is moving to Texas as well. I think not all of it, just part of their operation. Well, Elon Musk has moved there and there's a lot of talk that he's going to move Tesla there. So, I mean, it's just amazing how like living in California, watching the exodus happen all around you, like filming is all done in Canada. You know, logging, that's fucking done. They say almonds, a lot of the produce is in trouble because there's no bees anymore. The vineyards have all burned down. Uh, there's less snow because of global warming for skiing. So, um, so, and I got, I talked to, uh, Rogan yesterday and I asked him, cause you know, he moved to Austin and he has basically he's starting like a comedy community in Austin.

Tom Segura just bought a house there. So when you called Rogan on Christmas, he answered the phone. Yeah. Huh. It's weird. All right. Sebastian is moving there. Tony Hinchcliffe just moved there. Brian Redband moved there.

Ari Shafir is thinking about it. Tim Dillon is moving there. Bunch of guys from New York. And so the idea is that they're going to just basically, you know, open a club and fucking start a whole scene. That's pretty. And a lot of it was taxes. I know the politics, but taxes is another big one. There's a lot of it was taxes. Was that, I know the politics, but taxes is another big one.

There's a lot. I mean, he doesn't like the way, yeah, the taxes. He doesn't like the way they've handled the pandemic. There's, I think the social unrest is bothersome to some of these people. It's just, I think they just feel like it's this more comfortable, relaxed places to live. Now, this won't be popular. I'm looking over all the stuff you just read, and it seems like every single person that's moved is a white male. Sounds like you're trying to blackmail.

I know. I'm just thinking like, you know, there's a lot of criticism of white males, especially in California. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a couple of black guys that are part of this clique that I wouldn't be surprised if they moved out there. I agree. No, I'm not going to. It won't exclude them. But I just think the thrust of this is, you know, it's there's a lot of it. I mean, listen, you're not going to get screamed at for eating elk in Texas. That's one way of putting it.

Right. He definitely gets screamed at for eating elk in Texas. That's one way of putting it. Right. He definitely gets screamed at for eating elk in Los Angeles. Does he? Oh, my God. No, no. Are you kidding me? But he kills it and he eats every single morsel of the animal that he kills. Please, the vegan and vegetarian armies out here, are you serious?

Yeah. I mean, I think that is part of it. I'm not saying he's wrong no i think that is part of it i think joe is uh is more comfortable and more of a libertarian kind of a vibe and i think that that's true for a lot of those guys um but look california is if you don't need to be here for you know tv jobs or movie jobs then it's, then it's super expensive. It's a lot of taxes. There's a lot of downsides.

And I can see being happier somewhere else. I need a couple more writing jobs before I can leave town because I'm vested. My retirement is vested. And if I get one more year of earning in the Writers Guild, enough to earn my insurance for the year, I will have, they give me life insurance for the rest of my life. So I need one more writing job.

Good for you, man. You need 17 years of earning. Yeah. Jesus, what am I, the old guy talking about retirement? I'm almost there. One more job, Johnny. And then you get killed on that last job. It's the oldest story.

You old white cop, you. Let's skip this day in history. Please do. There's no good news. You want to do the shits or you want to move past it? I think we're moving past the shits. Let's do an Ask Amy, Mike. It's been a long time. Allits. Let's do an Ask Amy, Mike. It's been a long time.

All right, we can do an Ask Amy. Dear Amy, I found a box of condoms in my husband's sock drawer. I think you just go, signed, Sally. I mean, is there anything else you have to say about that? Sally. I mean, is there anything else you have to say about that? It really should end right there, but it doesn't. The manufacture date was 2015. Oh, they they weren't for our use because I went through menopause. Oh, boy. Jesus Christ. Long before that. And we haven't used condoms in 20 years. All right. She's still going to write. I am fairly sure that my husband had an affair 15 years ago, although he always said that nothing physical happened.

Yeah. It doesn't count if you're using a condom. Given the, and she put these quotes in there, given the, quote, business trips that were never paid for by his company. It's like, I'm going to sit down and write a letter and I'm going to save this file. It's just going to be called red flags. And I am going to make sure there's a red flag in every sentence. Yeah. Now, whenever he would leave the house and he would, quote,

slip off his wedding ring, I always thought it was because of his bursitis. Sometimes at night he'd come home, the clothes would go, he doesn't do laundry normally, they'd go right in the laundry, he'd press start and then just furiously start washing his dick with rubbing alcohol. Now when girls would come to the house, little girls, and knock on the door asking for him, I assumed

it was for Girl Scout cookies. Even though they had ancestor DNA forms in their hands. Okay. Given the business trips that were never paid for by his company i doubt he was being honest and from that experience i know that he can look me in the eye and tell me a bold-faced lie i feel sick lost and helpless right now right now what about beginning 15 years ago? I have been a great wife and mother.

You can say that again. And mother, and he has never wanted for emotional or physical love. I am not sure where to turn next. Signed, lost, and alone. Hmm. Well, where should she turn next? I'm thinking left out the driveway and not coming back. Yeah, I think so. Be happy he's using condoms. I mean, I first start there. first of all don't look through your husband's sock drawer because you're gonna find something

it's like it's you know every guy has something in a sock drawer that he's hiding from his wife so just don't go there i've never looked in my wife's sock drawer i have never once checked my wife's emails because i just feel like in my life i'm very happy she She's great. We're happy. And if there's some deep, dark secret, that's on her. That's on her. I mean, best case scenario, you find socks. That's the best. You don't want it. There's no win. Yeah, right. And also you got to open the socks because the good shit is hitting knotted up in the sock. Absolutely. I got to find, by the way, better hiding spots because now my kids are getting like older. And, you know, I bought a safe, you know, one of those little ones.

Oh, yeah, I bought one too. But people have told me once you start to get teenagers, you can't have Ambien sitting around or, you know, whatever, or Adderall. Yeah. And they say, you know, a little safe under your bathroom sink. But I don't know. I got to find, you know, even for medicinal marijuana or whatever it is, I got to find better hiding spots. Now, we had, I think our house cleaner was stealing cash from us.

And then, yeah, and I wanted to put all prescription medication away. And then just passports and shit like that, just to make sure it's in a safe place. I've got my last will and testament. By the way, I leave you something. No. Yep. Another voicemail? A voicemail.

I'll never find it without you telling me where it is. That's sweet. Is it a Grapefruit Fitzsimmons T-shirt? Are there any left, Greg? By the way, I don't know if there's any left, but you can go to the website now. These are $19, I believe. I think the sale might be over, but still available.

Do you have a zipper near your microphone? Oh, is it making noise? It's making a little bit of noise. I don't mind it. It's not bad, but it is making some noise there. Maybe our engineer, producer, editor, Chris Denman, if he can get off the QAnon website for a second, could give me some feedback on whether or not there's any sound hits.

We don't want to out guys because we could easily tell this woman other hiding spots she could check. That's true. Spare tire under the spare tire. Obviously, if there's any like in the kitchen, any cabinets that have a back area, you know what I mean? Or underneath or on top of my fridge, there's a like like a like an indented because it's it's built in fridge thing. Anyway, there's all these little pockets. Does he have dress shoes like tuxedo shoes that he wears once every seven years? Check to tell. Also, the tuxedo pockets. Yeah.

That would be a place. In garment bags. In garment bags hanging in the closet. Yeah. We're outing this guy. Maybe she's a little less lost and alone now. Let's hope this was supportive to her. Letters to the editor.

These are letters to us, not to Amy. Here's what I love. Here's a typical mass hole Patriots fan. There's nothing you can do to talk them out of hating the fucking Kraft or Brady. Brady's a fucking douchebag. I got to just tell you that straight up. We talked about it last week. He got $2 million from the federal relief program,

even though he made like $30 million last year. He's a Florida man. Bought a yacht for $2 million. He took money from the Best Buddies, a charity that he used to work. He's not a good guy. Anyway, but this was about Bob Kraft. This guy, JJ, says, there is no way Bob Kraft isn't going to help these massage people.

We asked about whether or not he was going to pay their court fees. Hold on. I'm just trying to unpack that double negative. There's no way he is not going to help. Okay, go ahead. I'm already checked out. Go ahead. He was already friends with the owner-manager,

which made the story stupider. He went to his friend's business, got his business taken care of and gave them some money for the act. There were a couple of really good articles by some female journalists who talked about how the Jupiter police was trying to make a splash with huge accusations, mostly to help get more money in their budget. Look, the guy got a handjob, he got busted, and he fucking got out of it. What's the problem? How about... You don't have to go through the act to help him out.

Go in there, bring him a basket of food and some cash if you want to help them out. He's making it seem like it was a selfless act. Like, oh, I guess I got to get a hand job and a massage to help my friend out. Right. Shut up, JJ. Maybe you should get your father's friend to come and check their snatches for disease. Yeah. This next one comes from Brian G. He said,

You know what? I did not, And I love that I do now. It's farther south than Delhi, India. Did you know that the shortest possible distance between the USA and South Africa is longer than the shortest possible distance between Canada and South Africa? I would have lost money on that. How is that possible?

Right? Huh. Oh, I know how. How? You go the other way. You leave South Africa and head south. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. A real strange one to Google is the territory of Nawa, which is a chunk of the United Arab Emirates, completely surrounded by a chunk of Oman, which itself is completely surrounded by the United Arab Emirates. This is like a nesting egg of Muslims. Yes, this is like one of those little Russian dolls. All right. P.S. Fuck the British Empire, Oliver Cromwell in particular.

Fuck Oliver Cromwell. Oliver's army. Finally, dear Greg, regarding your Netflix sexy movies problem, you can lock your Netflix profile, your friend and kit. is that is more of a red flag than them possibly finding some dirty movies. When your wife goes, how come I can't access your account on Netflix? Then she's just going to imagine every fucking teacher fucks a student movie that they have on. Yeah. So Showtime has soft porn on it. Oh, sure. Kind of like Cinemax, I guess, used to. Skinemax. And guess, used to.

Skinemax. And so I'm like, what's this about? And I start watching it because it's, you know, it's like, how far does it go? How do they do that? Do they cut around? And I literally, because I'm not saying I don't watch porn. I'm not going to watch porn on Showtime, though.

So I really was curious. I'm like, do they cut away? Is this shot for soft porn, in other words? Because they show a lot, but clearly there's a line. So anyway- Can I just tell you, I've been on porn shoots because I hosted the Porn Awards and they invited me. When they shoot porn, they shoot it hard, raw, porn style. Then they take that same couple, raw porn style. Then they take that same couple,

same bed, and they shoot one for soft core porn where they are hiding stuff and they're shooting stuff at different angles. And when he climaxes, he's like, I respect you. Yeah. Yeah. So,

uh, anyway, of course I tell my girls about, uh, your honor, the Brian Cranston, and they really should start it. Like, of course I tell my girls about Your Honor the Bryan Cranston and they really should start it like it's so good and they call up Showtime

and there it's like do you want to continue watching like Tits and Toyland or whatever the fuck it was? I'm like oh wait and it's like it's not even like

on the phone? it's not even like we thought you might like it's like here's the little. It's not even like we thought you might like. It's like here's the little the bar that shows your progress. Yeah. Oh, God. I'm like, I gave that out. I've given my show time. If you're looking for this, for the dirtiest part of dirty movies on like Showtime, it's always about 12 minutes in is going to be the headliner. That's going to be the shot

where their two girlfriends are helping each other with their college homework and one thing leads to another. And then after that, the sex scenes are always fragmented. But the blockbuster is 12 minutes in. Good review. I like it.

Breaking it down. Let's do an obituary. Alright. Good review. I like it. Breaking it down. Let's do an obituary. All right. And that's all, folks. This is a fresh one. Christmas Day. Okay. The Club Kids co-founder, Michael Allig, I don't know how to pronounce his name,

has been found dead of a suspected heroin overdose at age 54. So this guy, I remember this story. He was a wild club promoter and also a convicted killer. And he was found dead in his bed at his New York home by his boyfriend at around 3 a.m. on Christmas morning. He was part of the decadent 1990s party scene in New York that was characterized by wild costumes and rampant drug use. But this guy went a little further. He admitted that he and his roommate, Robert, quote, Freeze Riggs, killed their drug dealer, cut the body up and dumped most of the parts in the Hudson River. And I remember that that was the headlines everywhere. It wasn't headlines at all because he was just a missing drug dealer. By the way, back in the 90s, you didn't have to kill and cut up a guy to kill him. You could just throw him in the Hudson River. That too. But I remember when they found it and they somehow ID'd him like almost immediately.

And then there was a film about this guy called Party Monster in the early 2000s starring Macaulay Calkin. Seth Green was in it. There was a couple of other people also. So anyway, it was very interesting time in New York in 87. I think it was 87. The downtown scene, Michael Musto. Remember him from Village Voice and everything?

Right. He's a New York writer that would write about all that stuff. And Andy Warhol died in 87. And downtown New York was kind of lost and certainly did not have an identity. And AIDS was wreaking havoc and very much affecting everything. So this guy popped up and it was almost like a defiant party scene. But he really went pretty crazy. What were the clubs? Which were the clubs? The club was Limelight. I mean, this guy's epicenter, which was a former church. All right.

So I'll read this one thing. By the way, the Limelight, a guy in guy's epicenter which was a former church all right so i'll read this one thing so by the way the limelight a guy in my school his dad owned it and they got he gave us free passes to go one time yeah so we were like we were like 16 and we go down and uh we had fake ids we looked like we were 14 right and we went it was a sunday night i remember it was a sunday night and we go to the front door and we give our free passes and me and my friend Frank Moretti, we walk in and we start walking around

and the front room is like fucking packed with dudes and we're like, oh, it's a fucking sausage factory. You know, too many guys. Let's go to the next room. Next room, more dudes dancing with each other,

dressed provocatively. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? And this bouncer starts laughing at us and he comes over and he guys he goes you guys know that sunday night's in new york city all the discos it's gay night did you know sunday is gay night and we're like no we had free and he got us our free passes back and he sent us on our way back to the suburbs oh he's like come back tuesday when it's really gay night you two clowns well you know

that's where madonna like would hand her demos to the dj uh-huh i think that was in limelight also like when she was fighting to make it in new york which by the way if people don't know limelight was a church it was in chelsea it was this beautiful stone church and it uh it was fucking chapter 11 maybe they're paying off some fucking fondling cases. And yeah, it got bought up and turned into a disco. So Michael Musto, in reading his article, I realized, do you know when Bill Hader played that character on Weekend Update, Stefan? Of course. In reading, so Michael Musto just wrote about this guy dying. And I like, oh my God, that's where Hader got this or Mulaney, whoever created this character, because that's how Musto writes.

Like, I'm not going to be able to do the Stefan voice, but this is verbatim what was in an article that Musto wrote this week. Ed Mousto wrote this week. Talking about the scene and everything, they had wildly incorrect events like Disco 2000 Wednesdays at the church turned drug rehab center turned dance club limelight. The night gave host to the Unnatural Acts Review, which featured a guy who drank his own urine

and a girl who mounted the prosthesis and stump of a dancing amputee. Wow, that sounds like it easily could have been word for word. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I think Mulaney wrote that. By the way, shout out to Mulaney. Good luck in rehab.

He was apparently doing coke, has always been doing coke. Which, by the way, is that the drug for a pandemic? If you're going to get addicted to something, I got to go P something i gotta go sedatives sedatives maybe uh maybe pot but fucking coke when you're under quarantine now was he always doing it i think he was sober for a lot of years he he was yeah he did coke and stuff in college and i think he got sober no he did no. No, he definitely got sober. Well, I shouldn't say sober.

I don't know that he used the program because I reserve the word sober for somebody who's, like, working a program. I think he might have just, like myself, white-knuckle drunked it and just held on by the seat of your Irish Catholic shame and anger. So what do you classify yourself as? I just don't drink. I would say now I'm California sober, which is high and dry. I smoke a little pot, but I don't drink anything. You've helped so many people out, though, that I think there's more program about you than you give yourself credit for.

Well, yeah, because my sobriety kind of started with my dad's alcoholism because I went to Al-Anon meetings because of my dad when I was in my early 20s. And then when I quit drinking, which was when I was about 24, 25 maybe. So I was young. I had a shallow bottom, but I knew the steps. I had already worked the steps. I'd a shallow bottom but I knew the I knew the steps I had already worked the steps I'd been in meetings I understand the philosophy of the steps and then I went to some AA meetings and it meant a lot to me and I've always read the literature so I yeah I think I have definitely guided some people a little bit but not the way I could have like a Colin Quinn is a guy that works the fucking program and has been a lighthouse for a lot of comedians over the years.

Huh. You know, some who didn't make it, who didn't survive, but others who did because of him. And yeah, it's a great thing if you if you are truly sober. I wish I had been. I wish I'd had the fucking balls to really go all in on on a. I think I would have I think would have helped my life. Really more like you have. In other words, it seems like you hit it out of the park. Well, I haven't drank, so that's good. But I always think you can self-actualize more. And I think that AA is an amazing program for keeping your ego in check and realizing that you can't control outcomes and all that stuff helped

as, as a, as somebody who had codependency issues from being an adult child of an alcoholic, that helped me a lot. But I still think I have, I have issues that I think might've been worked on by being in the program. Ah, you know, my stepbrother, you know, all too well, he, uh, he sort of, and I think this happens a lot. He got addicted to, uh, self, you know, to programs. He got, he got addicted to recovery and, you know, the jury was out on, and he would get very angry if I said this, but I think in our family too, the jury was out on whether he was, can I say my favorite part about doing podcasts with you is how often you go, he'd be very angry if I ever told anybody. Right. But anyway, so he, yeah, but I just feel

this is a safe space and no one's going to hear about it here. So the jury, I think is still out in our family on whether he's like an alcoholic, um, because that was the first of many programs and recovery programs that he joined in Oz, but he would just be so funny. He's like, pick me up. I got an AA meeting on the West side and like wherever he was, he had to find one. Right. So, um, I pick him up and he's like, uh, I'm like, Hey, you know, I didn't want to ask about it. I don't think you're supposed to ask about it, but I pick him up and I'm like, how are you doing? He's like, that was a pretty good one. Two bald ones in there. And I'm like, Jeff, Jeff, you're not supposed to say that.

That's great. I wonder if that's in the literature. Because there's always like when you go to meetings, they have a code. And there's all these different letters at the bottom, like NS for no smoking. One will say ACOC, which means adult child of alcohol acoa adult child of alcoholic uh some will say s which means it's a step meeting which means you only talk about that one step in that meeting and i wonder if there was one that just said b for baldwin brother You know, I went to one with him. I was like dropping him off or whatever. And I'm like, how long is it going to be? And it's like, it was

too short for me to go do anything. He's like, why? And it wasn't like a sneaky way to get me in there. He's like, you can come in if you want. I'm like, I don't think that's right. He's like, no, no, no, you won't. You can sit in the back or whatever and don't worry about it. But anyway, so the one experience I had very, very stereotypically church basement. But when I it was as if the coffee, the giant coffee container was a vat of liquid morphine. out of it. So the meeting got delayed. They had to make like it was like, but I know what that's like because whenever and you could probably relate whenever it's like, all right, everybody in the writer's room, like we got to figure this. We got a problem. Everyone runs to the kitchen and gets coffee and usually sweets like chocolate. Like it's when you have stress to just be empty handed is so naked. Now, my coffee consumption is so out of control

and it's so regulated. Like within minutes, my first cup, my second cup, my third cup are all exact. And then if I'm on the road, I'll drink another cup before I go on stage, knowing that I'm going to be up until four in the morning if I drink at seven o'clock at night, but I do it anyway.

I think there's a vulnerability with not having that in your hand, you know? Yeah, yeah. All right. All right, so let's get, after the obituaries, we always cheer you up by doing a thing called Sunday Funnies. Here they come. All right, let's start out with our man, Hagar, or Hagar, as some people like to say. Nope, not going to do it.

So Hagar has a daughter, and she's sitting on the couch talking to Helga, who's her mother, who's knitting. And it's a very sweet moment where they're sharing information from generations down. And she says, Mama, when did you first learn to knit and helga goes years ago when i was doing hard time in a siberian gulag i taught myself to knit warm clothes for me and my cellmates and then the next frame helga goes, ha, gotcha. And the daughter goes, oh, mama. Meanwhile, there's no way she was not in a gulag and raped. That was just that was part of fucking being a woman back then. This is a confusing one. Also, all right. But did gulags, didn't these Vikings predate gulags? No?

I don't think so. No, I think the gulag goes way back. Oh, okay. You know, maybe the word itself she stole from earlier times. Yeah. All right. I like it. It's a funny joke to tell your daughter, it's a fun joke yeah i was in a gulag where women were systematically raped for half their adult life we'd we'd knit little shawls to cover our shame all right let's get to the lockhorns which there's no irony here there's no mocking this is just a funny fucking comic. This guy writes jokes.

His first one is Leroy is sitting there eating Loretta. There's a lot of, in these comic strips, there's a lot of the man sits and eats while the woman stands. And so she's standing and he says to her, while eating, while she fucking stands, was the steak's final request to be cremated just takes shots at her it's very good and now uh it's christmas dinner and leroy is standing at the head of the table he's got a knife and a fork and loretta and another couple are at the

table and leroy looks up with a little smile on his face and he goes stand back while i carve the gravy and she's got this look on her face like how could you do this to me you motherfucker they should have had there's another couple there with him they should have the guy like smiling and just the women pissed. But even the guy's like, whoa. Yeah, the guy's scowling too. Nobody's happy with him. That's the thing about Leroy.

Nobody's ever happy with him. He doesn't give a fuck. The last one is Leroy at a fancy restaurant with his blonde with huge tips and tits and big lips and done up hair. And Loretta is standing in like a house coat in the middle of the restaurant. She's walked in. Yeah. And he says, I'd like to remind you that having a date night was your idea. It's perfect.

The best is in this comic strip. They always give Leroy credit for bagging hot chicks. Like this. I've seen strips where he's like dancing with a beautiful woman at a party. Yeah. He just has to be uncuffed and then forget it. He's going to get it. Right. But it's a perfect

little joke. It's just a little joke that's smart and, boy, it's concise. Alright, what do we got next? Unlike Family Circus, so here's the little kid. And he's looking up at his mom. His name is Billy.

He's looking up at his mom. He's surrounded by tons of presents, all unwrapped. It's the whole scene at Christmas morning. And the mom is, you know, has one of her boxes open. She's looking down because this little kid holding a trumpet is yelling up at her and he's yelling, Santa forgot some things. How many days till my birthday?

That doesn't sound like something a Christian kid would say. Also, is he expecting Santa or is he saying, Mom, you got to pick up the fucking slack on my birthday? He's not expecting. The kid's not that delusional that he's expecting Santa to come on his birthday like he comes on Christ's birthday, is he? Yeah. Meanwhile, look how much shit he's got. Drum, football, car, toy elephant.

A duck., rocking horse. But the like, honestly, how much more of a joke is that then? I want more stuff. Yeah, it's it's really not more evolved than I want more stuff. Yeah. And the mom, she's always got the same look on her face she is fucking dead inside yeah and she has a robe did you see the saturday night live sketch about oh that was so dude snl this week or last week was so well written i i gotta tell you every sketch was

original tight funny what's going on over there i think it's who was the host every sketch was original, tight, funny. What's going on over there? I think it was, who was the host? Well, I think a lot of them were written by Mulaney on cocaine. So they're fast and they hit hard. Right. No, by the way, I also wish Mulaney well, and he is, he's amazing. Yeah.

And when he hosts it, actually, that's a good segue. When he hosts it, I do notice he has a big hand in, I think. But yeah, the level goes up. And I think Kristen Wiig was his past. And I think the same thing happens is like an alumni is coming back in. An alumnus is coming back in. Yeah. And and if they are exceptionally funny, I do think the level goes up. Yeah, it was like it was out of the park. It was so strong. I couldn't fucking believe it. And then you get to weekend update. Those two chuckling knuckleheads. Yeah, I didn't think the switching it could be a little more creative than like just the race ones that they do, you know, when they give each other their jokes. Yeah. But no, there was a great. Oh,

that they do, you know, when they give each other their jokes. But no, there was a great, oh my God, was this the one where here's Mitch McConnell? They do a little intro to the joke that comments on the over-the-shoulder picture that they have. Yeah. And I think it was something like, here's Mitch McConnell watching a school bus full of children stall on a train tracks. Yeah, that was good. Although I got to say, that recipe is, Stephen Colbert came up with that recipe for taking a still and giving it a little spin.

And then fucking, what's her name? Samantha Bee stole it. Fallon stole it. Everybody does it. It's like straight up thievery. That's his fucking joke. Yeah, I know. but they are good when they they do fill them with you know the new stuff but uh there was also an amazing joke last week shit i'll bring it up next week there was some really

good jokes the last two weekend updates well i love mich Che, and he's a really fucking good comic on top of that. I just don't like the laughing at each other. I'm done. I'm done with it. Right. Let's get to our girl, Blondie. Yeah. She is something else.

In the first frame, we've got Dagwood, dipshit, laying on the couch. The dog is next to him. He keeps changing positions. He can't get comfortable as he does nothing he just keeps flipping around and then blondie walks in and she says honey what's with all the flipping around and dagwood says i can't find a comfortable position to fall asleep she says well why don't you go upstairs and take your nap in bed. And he says, oh, no way. It just wouldn't feel right to go to bed in the middle of the day.

Asshole, your wife is trying to give you a fucking hint here. She's looking for a little love in the afternoon. What does it take? She's standing there. She's wearing a hot fuchsia skirt and a peach top. And she's leaning in in she's touching you and she's saying go to bed and you are like an you're like a fucking fourth grade boy who just can't see what's going on around him even the dog's like are you seeing what i'm seeing right right right

the dog's breaking the fourth wall looking right at us yeah right he's like i'll fuck her yeah i've seen movies nice all right listen mike we were supposed to keep it to an hour we did an hour and 50 what the hell we can't do it we we like to give um by the way just quickly i did remember one joke from this past week. Kenan Thompson comes on update. Did you see his little turn? No. He kind of played a crazy neighbor.

Oh, yeah, I did see that. Right. But he had a line in there, which is like something about, they were talking about the vaccine. And he's like, no, no, but I'll get it. I know they work. My uncle got a shot once. My uncle got a shot once. And it made the whole neighborhood safer. And they're like, what was the shot?

He's like lethal injection. Yeah. That was a great joke. That was a great joke. I thought they were going to go for the Tuskegee joke on that one. Same. Yeah. Oh, man.

So listen, we want to thank you guys for listening all year. I guess this will be our last one of 2020. Thank you guys for listening all year. I guess this will be our last one of 2020. And then as we get into 2021, we're going to have the contest to choose the logos and the songs. So you'll go to sundaypapers.net to look at those. But what a great year, looking back on it.

We pretty much started this podcast when the pandemic... We didn't plan on doing it that way. It just worked out that the pandemic started like the same time we started the podcast. And it's been something that I look forward to every week. I love doing it. And I love hearing from you guys. Thank you for the voicemail again, Greg.

Unbelievable. And now that I know I'm in your will, I'm going to be, I'm going to pay more attention to this stuff. Yeah. I'm going to put you in my will. Yeah. I'm actually addressing my will.

And then don't forget also, Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Tuesdays, Childish on Wednesdays. And if you want to give some money this time of year, if you've got a little extra floating around, there's a group called People Concern here in L.A. that helps the homeless people. It's a pretty bad situation right now. If you want to throw them a few bucks, go to peopleconcern.org. Mike, anything you want to plug? No, but that's a good thing to do. And I'm going to do that with the girls. I try to do it every year, but like you sit down

the last few years and kind of like I come up with a number and say, you teach daughter or you get this number and let's figure out who we want, what charities we want to give to. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Rockefeller used to give his kids a big allowance, but he said, you have to give 50% of it to charity and you have to research the charity. You can't just cut a check. You have to justify that they're well run or you're involved with them or whatever. Nice.

Yeah. So I'm going to put all the cash out on mousetraps and then we're going to give them maturities. Hey now. All right, Mike. Have a great week. People stay safe out there. You too. Also want to thank our editors and producers over at Midcoast Media,

Chris Denman and Beth Hoops, who do a great job, as well as Key. And we'll catch you guys next week. All right. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Sunday Papers Oh, read on up

Sunday Papers Oh, read on up Sunday Papers I'll be gone Sunday Papers I'll be gone