Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 45 1/10/21

Episode Date: January 10, 2021

Slow news week but we manage to drum up some stories about Sylvester Stallone’s mom, a Danish kids show featuring a giant penis and, oh yeah, the attempted overthrow of the government.       ��  

Sunday, Sunday Papers. Sunday, Sunday Papers. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Big quick. Don't worry. Everything's fine, everybody. Everything's fine. Get a newspaper.

Check it out. We're going to make it, America. Welcome to Sunday Papers. Mike Gibbons. Slow Newsweek. Slow Newsweek, but we'll do our best. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ, what was that? It's like it's the first week of 2021 everybody's like all right you know new year's eve goodbye to 2020 the shit year new beginning and now it's like cool i miss 2020 all of a sudden like it was remember in simpler times when it was quaint. There was only one virus strain. Yep. Washington, D.C. didn't look like Venezuela on a bad day. Yeah. I mean, the only thing Venezuela has is better food during the uprising. Man. So we haven't caught up at all because i woke up late you're in indianapolis how's indy uh indy is um you know it's not bad i actually really like the city i'm sorry there's

covid because there's uh my favorite blues club in the country is in indy it's called the slippery noodle and i used to work this club a lot years ago. Not this club, another club. And every night after the show, the whole staff would go to this blues club. We'd stay there all night. And obviously, I'm not going on this trip. Right. You might as well because you're going to Arizona next week.

Is that right? Yep. There's now debate whether Arizona is a hotter hotspot than Southern California. Yeah. And by the way, that debate is for the hottest hotspot on earth. That's the competition. Hotter than London? I believe so.

I know London's very, very worried about the new strain, but I, I think, I, I think our rates and all that begged me because they all work in front line jobs in doctor's offices and preschools. And I was starting to feel a little bit trepidatious about it. You didn't dig in and say, you fuckers cancel. Talk about, you're in doctor's offices, you freak. I'm in just a comedy club with people who feel good enough to go out. Yeah. By the way, let's compare paycheck stubs. Can we look at that just for a second and see who's making one tenth the amount of money? Do your patients in your foot doctor office have a two drink minimum and then they kick in more?

Are you guys selling DVDs after they leave for their fucking checkup? Are you signing people's tits? They're like, yes, dad. You told you screen. We're selling your DVDs in the podiatrist's office. You forced us to. Now, so I cancel in Kansas City. That was supposed to be at the end of the month.

Portland, helium canceled. They're both rescheduled, I should say. I think Kansas City's in May and Portland is now in September. Arizona's still on, huh? Arizona, well, it was too late to cancel it. But, you know, I didn't want to cancel it because the tickets are sold and I would fuck the club over. So I will be.

I was thinking they canceled you. I mean, they canceled the club. We'll see. We'll see if they end up canceling. I'm supposed they canceled you. I mean, they canceled the club. We'll see. We'll see if they end up canceling. I'm supposed to be there. Let's see. Oh, that date changed, by the way. It was supposed to be the 21st through the 24th.

It's now the 14th through the 17th of January. It's a week earlier. Oh. Yeah, because I wanted to really catch, you know, it's like going to spring break. You want to get the hottest part. Yeah, they say, what is it, in tennis, you want to catch that ball at the top of its bounce.

Right at the top. Right. So, yeah, it'll be interesting. You know, it was two solid days where the virus was not on the front page. Yeah. It was a weird week when it should have most been on the front page. You know what I mean? When it was the highest number of deaths in the history of the coronavirus, it did not make the fucking news.

Yeah. I mean, obviously it made the news, but boy, were there distractions. Can I just say we made our predictions last week and already we have failed on two of them. All right. First of all, we both predicted in the Georgia Senate runoff, we both said the Democrats won't win and they won. Talk about that news seems like months ago at this point. It does. It does. That's it. That really did defy odds. Both of them win. That's crazy. It not only defined the odds, it completely recalibrated politics for the next four years. If that had not happened, then Biden would have been a lame duck. I mean,

he wouldn't have gotten any of his cabinet positions appointed. There would have been none of the budget for, you know, the economic stimulus would have gone through. So much stuff would have changed. This is a huge game changer, more almost as much as the president being elected. I would say hand in hand, even, and it just no coverage. Yeah, no, no. It was, yeah, it was all, it was forgotten very quickly. The other one that we got wrong. Where were you when they stormed the Capitol? I was doing an interview with Ian Edwards, who kept joking that he was in his bunker and that the black people were the most in danger right now.

That's funny. Even when black people weren't rushing the people's shrine, whatever you want to call the Capitol, even then, I think he's right. Black people were in more danger, even though they had nothing to do with it. Right. Right. Yeah. It's like, you know, I mean, whatever. You can talk all day about the police presence for the Black Lives Matter versus just the photographs that went around of the fucking quadruple deep riot geared police on the steps of the Capitol versus some guys in fucking hoodies waving. It was one guy waving them in. It's another guy taking selfies with them. It was fucking crazy.

Did you see the footage? I saw some posts like, do not tell me this wasn't coordinated. So it was footage I hadn't seen. And all the police and guards and everything were in the background, like, I guess at like another entrance. And at this entrance, the doors opened, they were not broken into, the doors opened. And when I say this was more orderly than a Southwest flight boarding, they just slowly, and by the way, chit-chatting, kind of like you and I would do when they open the gates at a stadium, like, let's go in and find our seats. And they were chit-chatting

as they slowly walk through the doors. Oh, it looked like a tour group. Yeah, they're snapping photos. As the camera walks through, I think you overheard someone found out where the bathrooms were, I believe. And the police then back against the walls inside to let them pass through the hallway. Yeah. And the most interesting thing, though, was I heard one of these guys, you hear him off camera, one of the guys entering goes, they're going to lock us in the building. And I thought, that's brilliant. Like what a jujitsu move that is. Like I could, it's almost feels like some, some like ancient, you know, a Greek or Spartan maneuver. Like,

no, no, let them all in. Right. A reverse Trojan horse. An ant trap trap it's like a roach motel yeah and uh anyway like why didn't they like yeah come on in come on you yeah go crazy fucking smear some shit around you you'll lose and then they lock all the doors and then they open one door and you're arrested on the way out yeah right right too easy now they should have just they should have set up a fucking uh cracker barrel inside and just just to draw them in like an ant trap just just put in you know um but you know the crazy thing i mean are we just going to get oh the other prediction that we got wrong was i said will trump peacefully leave the White House? And you said yes, and I said no.

So I got that one right. I was a little off on that. Yeah. Oops. Yeah. We want to give a shout out. Before we get into it, quick shout out to James Enriquez, who did this week's song. I liked that song, by the way.

It's fun, right? And I know it's weird. I'm saying that like, I know that song, by the way. It's fun, right? And I know it's weird I'm saying that like, I know that song is easy to knock. Yeah. But I did like it. I think it fits in with our theme of user-generated. It's not super slick. It's got a little auto-tuning feel to it, but it's fun.

The lyrics took upwards of 14 seconds to write. Yeah. We might have written the lyrics. That's all we ask, people. We might have written them just with the title of the podcast. I think so. But we're looking for 2021, looking for some new songs, looking for some new logos. Always, we appreciate those.

Send them in to fitzdogradio at gmail.com. The logo this week came from a favorite of ours, James Wutterchick, who sent in the Spartans, the Saturday Night Live sketch. If you think it's too tall an order that you cannot make a logo for our show, take a look at this week's. I think it'll be encouraging. Yeah, we don't want to put pressure on you here. This one takes the pressure all off. Although I appreciate it. I love them.

I really do. And I like it. I like that lo-fi feel. Yep. Corrections. Uh-oh. Jeffrey Nelson says, this will be a sadly unfunny email.

In all honesty, I'm a little nervous to try humor with you two. Comedy all-stars. Wow. Coronavirus is a virus itself, and COVID-19 is a manifestation of the disease in humans. I can't wait until the next week's correction where Jeffrey's corrected. I'm sure. AIDS is defined as advanced HIV in which CD4 cell counts are less than 200. I thought it was 198.

Keep going. Another guy, Mitchie Mitch, said COVID-19 is a type of coronavirus. Dr. Mitchie Mitch. COVID-19 is an acronym. CO, that's short for corona. V, that's short for corona. V, that's short for virus. D, that represents the data. 19 was the year that it was

discovered. No, D is date. Oh, I'm sorry. I read it wrong. He has date. He has date. We're correcting a correction ourselves. God, I didn't know it was that stupid. COVID. COVID. Yeah.

Wow. All right. I'm less impressed with this virus now. I'm not afraid of it anymore. Stupid little. You are afraid of it. You're one of the, of all my friends, you're the most scared of COVID. Why?

Why do you say that? You don't know what I'm doing. I think you take quarantining very seriously. I think your daughters take it even more seriously than you do. Well, their mom had it and now their grandfather has it. What? You didn't hear that my, I think I told you, my ex-father-in-law. You didn't tell me that. My father-outlaw, he got it. How is he? Tell me that. My father, outlaw.

He got it. How is he? Elliot, no, I know. 85, bad heart. And I'm like, oh, fuck. That might be a death sentence, right? And totally, by the way, anyway, I don't know how much I can share. But he went home, quarantined in his bedroom, and didn't get it. And then Jill, I mean, you know, both of them. Well,

Jill, his wife, uh, tested negative. And then he went through the two weeks, they tested again. And then both of them negative, you know, after when they told him to test to make sure he was over it. Oh, thank God. So then I heard there's some stat, like only like 28% of spouses are getting it. Did you hear this? No shit. And by the way, they still sleep in the same bed. They're not like one of those old couples who have like, you know, it's definitely an indication of how close your marriage still is.

If you don't get your husband or your wife's COVID. Yeah. It's time. Maybe it's time to walk away. Well, yeah, that's the dumb joke is It's like 28% of spouses get COVID. 100% of dating couples get it. Right. I mean,

I'm shocked 28, it's that high. Don't you have to talk to someone to kind of, doesn't that really facilitate the spread? Right. Never mind kiss. Well, I'm glad he's all right i love that guy you have to don't yeah wait you mean to pass the virus it increases chances if you look them in the face no no no we spoon we don't we don't face each other we spoon i think we spoon because i'm on

one side of the house i face east jerry do you do you face east also? Yeah, right, right. Yeah, we're Muslim. Oh, God, we're facing each other. We're Muslim. We face East. And then Andy Cunningham had a correction. He said that in the last episode, Mike made a comment that our economy tanking is us going back to a barter system. Contrary to popular belief, there has never been a society that relied on barter as a means of exchanging goods. Really? Really? Tell that to our friend Dennis Gubbins. You can trade a pair of sneakers for a pot brownie with Dennis Gubbins.

Yeah. With a phone call. Absolutely. He's always like, please don't bring a chicken over. I just got rid of a ton of ecstasy for four chickens. Hey, man, I've got a goat if you've got another hit of mescaline. I don't believe that's true. I find that very hard to believe that there's never been a bartering system.

He probably means like an organized one. Yeah. Clearly, clearly through history, there have been unofficial the baker gives his goods he gets his shoes done by blah blah blah and on and on yeah uh in a commune type setting i'm sure that's a lot of negotiating you know because how many loaves of bread is a pair of shoes right if listen if the bread's stale enough, just fucking put them on your feet. Ba-da-boom.

Hey, now. Yeah, I'm still not awake. I'm going to take a bite of my cereal and move off mic as you read this next one. Finally, Matthew Troncholetti says that you and Mike discussed Sylvester Stallone's droopy lip and how he blames forceps for yanking his lip when he was born. Well, his mother must have been delivered by the same doctor because she has that same dopey mouth.

And he sent a photo of his mom. Holy shit. She looks like she fought Rocky. Her right eye droops. Her right lip is up. Her left lip is down. It's like it's exactly him. There's no way it was from the forceps. She seems like someone in West Hollywood or the Village on Halloween dressed up like Sylvester Stallone. Yeah, and again, I don't want to make fun of a woman's appearance, but it just suffice to say, if you're not watching this on YouTube, which is a fun way to experience the show, you can see this photo. No, don't do it.

And the logo. Oh, you don't like people to look at you. I just rolled out of bed. She, and I'm in a closet. She is awesome, though, by the way. Like, total chutzpah. Really pretty, you know, pretty unique character. By the way, can we talk about you just rolling out of bed?

What happened to you last night? Why did you wake up at 11 o'clock in the morning? I, no, no, I didn't. Yeah, I woke up at 10. So I woke up and I'm like, I kept like, I'll go back to bed because I set my alarm for before nine. But I was up till like, I don't know, 2.30. I couldn't get to sleep last night. And finally I knocked myself out with some Ambien.

So every time I woke up, it's light early anyway. I'm like, oh, just go back to sleep. Your alarm will go. Anyway, the charger that I put my phone in was unplugged. And so I look at the clock and it's after 10. I'm like, what the fuck? So yeah, that was a panic. Yeah.

Sorry about that. Don't worry about it you know look these things happen and uh i i have not overslept i wish i could oversleep it's been fucking years until i got past 8 30 in the morning and it bums me out because i used to i used to be a good late sleeper no i did too it's the pressure of the world and also we're old as fuck. But, you know, the thing is, I'm the same way. That was my incentive to be like, no, no, come on, go back to sleep. You like at least get six something hours. You know what I mean?

Right. And so I was forcing myself back. So, yeah, sorry about that. But also, I found a bunch of stories last night, but you didn't send us Google Docs. So anyway, today will be interesting because I have nothing prepared. But the subject material is interesting enough. So don't worry about me not being funny. All right.

So let's get to the front page. You don't have a newspaper there, do you? I don't. I have paper. Hold on. I think I got some paper, too. Hold on. Here we go.

Front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Oh, that's good. Oh, you know what this is? This, by the way, this is the bag full of mousetraps.

From my story, this is the Christmas bag full of mousetraps. Look at them. I want to see you snap one on your finger right now. Right now? Yeah, let's see it. Alright. This is fun for the listeners, right? First of all, setting them is fucking treacherous. Well, I'm going to do it on the

count of my hand. Oh, Jesus. Setting them is fucking treacherous, dude. Alright. How can I do it so you see it? Here's that level. They really, you know, the saying is you can't improve on a mousetrap. Like all like, you know, economics classes talk about like sometimes you can.

Anyway, this is the same old mousetrap. Fuck. All right, here we go. First of all, I don't have any adrenaline running, although I feel like I do now. Oh, Jesus. Okay, it's set. Okay, let's see it.

Ah, fucker. All right. That's for waking up late. All right, so by the way, it doesn't have the satisfying smack because it hitched my fucking fat hand. But yeah, anyway, there you see, not broken. All right, so front page, here we go. I wonder what it'll be. It's a little long, but it's a rundown of facts that I think need to be-

Oh, good, I can eat my cereal. Go ahead. Rehighlighted. More footage from inside the attack on the Capitol is coming out, and it is horrific. Blood on statues and feces spread throughout the building are vile. Mob attacks on police are bone-chilling. Reuters photographer Jim Borg, who was inside the building, told reporters he overheard three rioters in plotting to find Vice President Mike Pence

and hang him as a traitor. Other insurrectionists were shouting the same. Pictures have emerged of one of the rioters in military gear carrying flex cuffs, handcuffs made of zip ties, suggesting he was planning on taking prisoners. Two lawmakers have suggested the rioters knew how to find obscure offices. There are also questions about law enforcement. While exactly what happened remains unclear, it has emerged that the Pentagon limited the D.C. National Guard to managing traffic. D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser requested support

before Trump's rally, but the Department of Defense said that the National Guard could not have ammunition or riot gear. These are the same people that fucking cleared out the church square so he could take a photo op. And this story gets more and more interesting. So, yeah, keep going on this one.

So they couldn't deploy the National Guard without explicit permission of acting Secretary Christopher Miller, whom Trump put into office shortly after the election, after firing Defense Secretary Mark Esper. So a loyalist refused to send in troops. When Capitol Police requested aid early Wednesday afternoon, the request was denied. Defense officials held back the National Guard for about three hours before sending it to support the Capitol Police. Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, a Republican, tried repeatedly to send his state's National Guard, but the Pentagon would not authorize it. By Friday night, here, ready for this? This is the part that's really disturbing. By Friday night, 50% of Americans told Reuters they wanted Trump removed from office immediately. Nearly 70% of Americans disapprove of Trump's actions before the riot. Only 12 percent of Americans approved of the rioters. Only 12 percent. 12 percent of Americans approved of a coup attempt.

But people, it's hard to admit. It's kind of like how the polls are off on, you know, how many vote for Trump. And they're surprised how many do. I think that that's baked in here also. I mean, think about that. So you wonder, is was this an aberration? Was this like, you know, a lot of hostility built up from the election? Is this, you know, a result of all the appeals being shut down? 60 out of 61. a result of all the appeals being shut down, 60 out of 61. Or is this the new normal? Is this, have we got a faction of the country that believes that a coup is necessary right now? It's so crazy. It does remind me, I'm forgetting the title. It really reminds me of that Netflix documentary that shows how social media, which now are news sources, splinter populations. And they ran footage of unprecedented coup attempts and division in all these countries

where Facebook has been the number one source of news. And it's like, these people, not only, of course, is the president telling them it's a fraudulent election, but they think they're seeing hard news saying the same thing. Yeah. They really believe what they're saying, the people who are storming the Capitol. There's no doubt. You look at the conviction, not only in their faces, but of people at Trump rallies. And again, look, I don't want this podcast to turn into a bashing of the right. I think we're

trying to understand what just happened. And it's what you said. People are living in a vacuum. They're living in a bubble and they are digesting media from too few places. And look, I'm guilty of it too. I probably am not as informed about a lot of issues from the right as I could be, but I also don't watch MSNBC. I'm not, you know, I don't fucking drink the Kool-Aid. I'm pretty aware. I read third party sources like, look, the Wall Street Journal, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch. I read that shit. I also, you know, I read the Guardian because it's outside this country. So you get a little bit more of an objective view of what's going on. And people have to do that. They got

to step out of Trump's Twitter feed and Fox News and look around a little bit. Listen, it's also right-leaning publications, including the Wall Street journals, have absolutely come out saying he has to be removed. Yeah. Like, in other words, and the more we learn about this, kind of like the paragraphs you just read, there definitely were bigger forces at work here, and they're going to find out. And the arrest of all started to happen, but they're going to find out these details about why there were delays.

They're going to find out details. It's so easy. You see a guard. I mean, this is how I think it'll go down. And I'm almost always wrong. But you see a guard posing for a selfie. Let's just say that guy. Oh, it takes so little. I mean, look at all the crime podcasts. You can't commit a crime anymore. They will get that guy's phone and they will see if there was contact. They will see if he was on sites and if he was in contact or new or if he's leaning that way or if he's ever expressed like, I wish they would raid that, you know, whatever it is, they're going to find that stuff out. I hope. If they look, that's the question. How hard are they really going to look and how much does you know, anytime there's a crisis like this in government or, you know, socially,

you have to wonder, does it serve the public to go after these people, make an example of them? or is it better to not create more strife by, you know, people see it as divisive if they try to prosecute them too strongly? Oh, yeah. Where was that thinking on Black Lives Matter? Right. Yeah. By the way, I thought about it.

Like, listen, especially since 9-11, you and I know, if I dressed up like fucking Daniel Boone or whatever and put fucking a fur hat on, had no shirt on exposing all my tats and walked up to the Capitol, I'm like, I'm going in there. I would be told not too gently. You're not. And if I was like, yeah, I am. I would be thrown on the floor so hard. And I, you can't find a whiter guy than me if I were black I would have been shot on step one if I came up saying I'm storming this fucker yeah right oh by the way uh our producer Chris Denman just wrote the social dilemma is that Netflix yeah and by the way thank you for making it back early from DC ChrisC., Chris, this past week.

How's the lectern you stole? I know there was a lot of after parties you're missing. How's that podium? He's working from Pelosi's podium. Anyway, yeah, it was crazy to watch that. I just couldn't believe it I really did think I mean that's such a smart thing that they could have locked them in there I don't yeah I don't know I mean did you see them like helping people down the stairs

the guards helping people leave yeah right and there was a there was a photo of a guard waving people through I mean it was i mean look if you're gonna if you're a cop and you're choosing between black lives matter and people that have on blue lives matter shirts obviously there's going to be uh you know they're going to be a little more gentle which is why you need the national guard you need something a little hardcore i mean they knew this shit was coming for weeks it's fucking crazy it even matter. Listen, if you're a human being trying to enter, first of all, the building is absolutely closed. It's not even like, oh, it's open, but what about, wait, do you guys have, like, your reservation for the tour? Like, it's not even open, and all the senators and all of them are in there.

It's like, it's almost like, how would an AI guard have dealt with it? An AI guard wouldn't see color. An AI guard would be like, human are coming up the steps. Last warning, human. I mean, it's as simple as that. Yeah. You want to read this next one? Well, I kind of like this.

American Airlines is banning. We're children. We're absolutely children. American Airlines is banning alcohol on flights to and from Washington, D.C. as the aviation industry ramps up safety measures following the Capitol riots. So prior to the riots, some airlines had moved their flight crews to hotels outside the central Washington area in anticipation of the protest. So flight attendants had the heads up.

The Capitol didn't? Right. Flight attendants were like, yeah, yeah, you're not even going to stay near the Capitol. We're going to move you out of our hotels that we have regular deals with. Yeah. American Airlines, the one that can't figure out that you can't book 350 people on a 325 seat plane. They were more on top of shit than D.C.

That's exactly right. American and United Airlines had both said they would move the crews to hotels. Alaska Airlines told staff to avoid downtown Washington. The hotels and Alaska Airlines told staff to avoid downtown Washington. Now, in a related story, a fed up American Airlines pilot threatened to, quote, dump a plane filled with USA chanting President Trump supporters in Kansas if they didn't, quote, behave during a flight out of Washington, D.C. Friday. So there's a video of this. And in the video, it's, you can hear the pilot and it's a quote. I'll put this plane down in the middle of Kansas and dump people off. I don't care. Yeah. They're children. He's a school bus driver and they're children. And he continues. We will do that if that's what it takes. So behave, please.

If that's what it takes, so behave, please. I love that. Yeah, they should have cut coffee as well as alcohol on that flight. Oh, my God. I mean, it really is like the school cafeteria with the teacher like, kids, kids. Yeah, yeah. Or that old, wasn't it, Cheech and Chong?

Like, class? Class? Remember that old movie? Class! And she freaks out. The other story we mentioned that was overlooked, Democrats won control of the U.S. Senate, John Ossoff defeated David Perdue,

and Raphael Warnock won his race against Republican Senator Kelly Loeffler. It's shifted the outlook for Joe Biden's presidency, giving him stronger hopes of prevailing on ambitious legislation, possibly Supreme Court picks. Is anyone in the Supreme Court going to die soon? Is there any old ones? I mean, Clarence Thomas is getting up there, right? This is where I'll prove myself soul informed. You know, Clarence Thomas is the second oldest, maybe, in their 70s. But no, the Democratic, God, it's a shame on me for forgetting his name. He now is going to retire and be replaced, you know, with someone younger. I mean, first of all, who knows what's going to happen with the landscape?

But no, those old Republicans are going to try to hold on for dear life. Are you kidding me? They're going to really try to hold on, hoping Biden's a one-term president. Is it really possible, when they say pack the courts, that means add more seats to the Supreme Court? Is that really possible? Yeah, so listen, I don't want to give him any ideas, and I'm probably wrong about his ability to do so,

but I thought when you saw Georgia go that way, why wouldn't Trump load the court now? Yeah. I mean, he was too busy with an insurrection, but it's like, why wouldn't he be like, huddle up, McConnell, get over here. I got an idea. Let's beat him to it.

Let's add four justices. Four. Right now. We got two and a half weeks to do it. Let's do it right now. Right. We did it in two weeks with Amy. Let's do it in, let's get four in there.

We have two and a half weeks. And I don't think there'd be anything stopping them. Yeah. And then what? And then what what is biden gonna add six or eight yeah this just in from our crack producer uh justin steven justice steven breyer is 82 years old which is uh i'm glad he's even got the battery life on his phone after tweeting out the pictures of him dry humping Nancy Pelosi's desk. Oh, you mean Chris? I thought you meant Justice Breyer. So no, Breyer has been holding on. He's been asked a lot. He wants to retire. He does not want to die. He does not want to do as other justices have done and die while a judge. And so he now is really, it looks like he will have a very nice,

peaceful transition to retirement without any drama. And they will replace him with a, I guess a left-leaning justice. Is he a right-leaning justice? He's left. Oh, he's left. Jesus Christ. Fucking get out of there, man.

That's what RBG should have done while she had a chance. There's huge debate about that. You know, you know her side of that, right? It's very easy to criticize her on that because Obama really hinted at it. But she was wondering if you could have found someone if you liked her and that's why you wanted this to happen. The odds of getting someone like her were slim because Republicans had control of the Senate. Yeah. So it's a more complicated issue than just calling her selfish. Right. Well, she's dead. That's kind of selfish.

By the way, that was extremely selfish. Now, I want to read this next story and i don't want to come off as callous i just want to point out some ironies a woman who was trampled to death during the riot at the u.s capital okay keep i'm gonna have some i'm gonna have a cereal break as you dig yourself a hole hold on go ahead all right she was trampled to death she was carrying a flag that read don't tread tread on me. I mean, do we need to even touch that? Did you know that? I mean, there were photographs of her taken carrying a flag,

and she was basically Roseanne Boyland. Rioters started pushing people, and a panic started. People started falling. I put my arm underneath her and was pulling her out. And then another guy fell on top of her and another guy and was just walking on top of her. People were stacked three deep, which just, you know, this is the mentality of the people that were in there. Just stop on each other. Don't tread on me. Do you fucking even know what that means? Psychologists, you don't put something out there that you don't want to happen.

Don't put don't tread on me because now that's in everybody's minds. It's kind of like they say, like psychologists say, don't be like, don't fall or don't lose. It's like, no, no, win. You should win. we always put the always put the desired effect out there so it'd be like um let let's uh let's walk together and nobody you know and and everybody it stays upright don't put don't tread on me you're already painting the scenario yeah i remember seeing these two women that were uh you know birkenstock wearing west siders with uh with a child who a mixed race child even though they're both white and uh she was uh

they there was a t-shirt for sale that says war is not the answer you know marvin gay and one of them goes let's buy it and the And the other one goes, no, because there's a negative. There's a double negative. There's war and not. And you should really just buy a T-shirt that says peace. Peace is the answer. Peace is the answer. Wow.

Well, they're already doomed. People should have more questions than answers. There was also another death. And again, I'm not minimizing or speaking ill of the dead, but there is another guy who had on a live free or die T-shirt who died. And Kevin Greeson, this guy Kevin Greeson, tased himself in the balls while tearing down a picture of Tip O'Neill and died of a heart attack. Yeah, I read that one. His T-shirt says, I'd give my left nut for Trump, which again, ironic.

So not only were there feces smeared all over the halls of the Capitol, but probably some semen. You think that would make you come? That would be the greatest orgasm you've ever had. Tasing your balls, like jerk off until the second the first drop starts coming out and then tase your balls. And then die of a heart attack. Happy. Absolutely. That's the way to go. I't be laughing all right uh as everybody knows now twitter suspended trump's uh account they said quote

after close review of recent tweets from at real donald trump account and the context around them we have permanently suspended the account due to the risk of further incitement of violence. I miss them. I miss them already. I mean, first he loses the election, then he loses the appeals, then he loses his Twitter account. What's next? Sadly, I'm not even joking. The day, the following day, we've been so conditioned to listen to a president via Twitter, which is insane.

Yeah. You know, I should find it. So the day after I texted my girls. But anyway, I really did miss like I wanted to hear his thoughts, because first of all, odds are he was going to dig himself deeper and deeper. You know what I mean? So I wanted to see that, but I also wanted to see, cause he's not thoughtful at all. And he could have said some really incriminating things. Um, but I have a text here to my daughters. Um, the day all this stuff went down, I go, it was nine, this was 930 at night. And I go, girls, what a day. They were at their mom. So I wasn't with them. I go, girls, what a day. I'm saying this too often, but I am sorry again, that you kids are experiencing this craziness. This country was never this crazy. It's a shame and I know it will get better and

more stable. Yeah. I think that's important. You got to tell your kids. I say that shit to my kids all the time. It's so unfair to them that they are dealing with, I mean, missing school for a year, if not more, and the anxiety that comes with that, the complete partisanship, the rancor between both sides of this country right now and then events like this. It's just, you know, it's really unfair that they should. And on top of that, how about school shootings? We didn't have school shootings when I was a kid. No, none. I mean, if there were. Were there any was I mean, was Colorado. I don't remember any school shoot no Columbine was in like 99 I know but I mean that seemed to be the first definitely obviously the biggest at the time

um you know of course I think there were some school shootings you know I don't like Sundays you know by uh Boomtown Rats was about it but But it was not a thing at all. Now they've got a lot to deal with, and now they've got an economy that they've got to pay for, you know, a fucking $7 trillion or whatever, I'll be corrected, a large deficit. Which Japan owns more than China of our debt. Next story.

Betsy DeVos. Betsy DeVos has quit. Oh, there's a courageous person. She's the second cabinet member to resign. But her job of killing all public schools isn't finished. I know. Huh. She said that she told Trump that there is no mistaking the

impact of your rhetoric hat on the violent riots at the capitol i mean you can't you can't do this you can't take the right your this isn't bugs bunny jumping out of the rocket ship before it hits earth with three feet to go and walking away unscathed. You fucking, you die with this. Your career dies with this. Yeah, totally. It's all these people getting credit. I have to watch it because I'm susceptible to that also. Like, for instance, I have to remember how many things I don't like about Mitch Romney because I really started to feel for him. Did you see that footage of him in the airport getting completely harassed by a woman? Now he's sitting, first of all, he's

sitting all alone. He he's double masked up like he was on the floor, right? He's sitting all alone. I guess his wife has MS or some disease. So, so he, and by the way, this is my, this is, I did not read this anywhere. So maybe he's being extra careful because he has a very vulnerable person in his home. Anyway, he's being very safe and he's sitting there double masked up and he's like doing kind of work on some like iPad thing, waiting to board a plane. He's in the, in the area. And a woman comes up to him and you see him point at her iPad thing, waiting to board a plane. He's in the, in the area. And a woman comes up to him and you see him point at her, like,

please put your mask on. She's like, and you start to hear her say something bullshit about mass. And he's like, no, no, it is the law here. Please put your mask on.

And then, and then you hear her say, all right, I'll only put on because I need to talk to you. And then she starts going off on why he's such a traitor and why he doesn't know. He's like, I do. I represent the people of Utah. He's like, I'm from Utah and you do not represent me. And then

eventually got to, but you didn't, and you didn't even vote for Trump. He's like, no, I did not vote for Trump. And then he tries like to walk away because she's constantly getting within six feet of him. Yeah. And it was just so sad seeing him chased around and he maintained a very even keel. And I have to say, after they reconvened, his was the strongest statement

of all. Like he minced no words and said that Trump had incited this violence. I mean, first of all, why isn't that guy flying flying private he's worth fucking he's worth like 50 million dollars or something I mean he's unbelievably successful yeah and if your wife has ms which she got a 98 I'm just reading um why would you not take the precautions of flying a private jet if you can afford it true True. Well, maybe he wants to be seen as man of the field. By the way, he might have been. I mean, it might be the little place he was waiting in. I doubt it because it really looked like an airport. And of course, we can find out for sure that it wasn't. And I don't know why this woman would have any access to him if he

was flying private. So but you're right. Just for the sake of his wife, why would he expose himself like that? All right, let's get to some international news. It's not all about us, Mike. It's not all about us. No, it's the Danes. Do you like the Danes? How could you not like the Danes? The Danes have a new TV show that is a children's program called John Dillermand.

It's animated and it stars a man with a penis so massive and flexible it can save children from danger. Fetch objects from a river, and operate as a pogo stick. The show follows its character as he navigates an array of unexpected scenarios caused by his inexplicably huge genitalia. In episode one, the mustache de Lermand uses his gigantic stipey organ as a leash for his dog, but quickly finds himself inundated with requests from his neighbors to take their pets out for a walk. Hey, look at that guy. Look at the guy with the huge dick. I wonder if he would walk hard. Hey, can he babysit?

Why don't they just cut to the chase? Can he fuck my wife? What is this concept? What? There's another episode where he uses his genitals to keep a lion away from a group of children. I think it's good to get kids comfortable around a strange man with a huge cock at a park. This sounds like the creator had one of those screen memories from childhood, very a la

Silence, my theory on Silence of the Lambs. But he was like, no, no. Yeah. When I was little, I had this dream, I'm going to make it a show, where a man protected me from a lion by using his giant penis. He wrapped me up and kept me safe. He put me in bed with his giant penis so no harm would come to me. And you go, why didn't you tell us? He made me promise never to tell anybody.

This is crazy. Yeah. Okay. Speaking of crazy, let's get to your favorite segment. Florida Man? Florida Man. All right. Well, not to not to beat a dead horse here, but police arrest Florida man who allegedly carried Pelosi's lectern in the Capitol. So the guy who, you know, arguably the most famous photo out of this so far carrying this podium.

Well, he's from Florida. He was seen carrying the lectern away from the U.S. Capitol riot on Wednesday. He's been arrested in Florida. He got there quick. The man seen carrying the lectern- I know. I didn't think Greyhound traveled that fast. And how did he put that in stowaway luggage? How does that carry on? His name is Adam Christian Johnson. He's 36. He was booked Friday night on a federal warrant and pending charges. I do want to talk about these charges. The FBI had been searching for Johnson after pictures of his role in the riot went viral. The whereabouts of the lectern were not immediately known. All right. Now, related, the man who was pictured sitting at Pelosi's desk is 60-year-old Richard Barnett from Arkansas.

He was also arrested. He bragged to reporters about taking an envelope from the speaker's office. He was reportedly charged with entering and remaining on restricted grounds, violent entry, and theft of public property. and theft of public property. The Department of Justice said he was also found to have on his person a 9mm Smith & Wesson handgun and a.22 caliber Derringer-style handgun. And it continues. Kaufman told officers, oh, they also found these mason jars full of gasoline in his truck. And he told officers the mason jars contained melted styrofoam and gasoline.

Styrofoam and gasoline is an explosive mixture that has the effect of napalm because when detonated, the substance causes the flammable liquid to better stick to objects that it hits. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Smells like I'm fucking crazy. But he's being charged with violent entry. Like, wait a minute. I know. Like, when are the real charges?

That seems, I don't know. It seems, first of all, maybe he, because a lot of them are getting charged, I guess, on possession of weapons that they're not licensed. But what about treason? Is there a charge for treason, insurrection? Yeah, there have to be so many charges we're unaware of, but yes, including the ones you just mentioned. It's crazy. Yeah.

All right, Arkansas, Florida. So anyway, Kaufman was in custody, charged with unlawful possession of a destructive device. Now that carries a sentence of up to 10 years. And then he had the pistol without a license, which under D.C. law carries a term of up to five years. So if they want to throw the book at him, they can put him away for 15 years. But as you were saying up top, like they. I don't even know. My mind is spinning about this shit.

You know, it reminds me there was an amazing onion, onion video from the Onion News Network. And it basically was saying the FBI basically was no longer needed or had to cut down so much because everyone is doing the FBI's work for them by taking selfies at scenes of crimes. They also have signed up to social media that automatically tracks them. So every single move people make, they're offering up that information willingly. Yeah, George Orwell predicted that the government would have cameras on us. He didn't predict that we would be hitting record on the cameras for them. Right. There's no need, right? We are giving up all the information on ourselves, our whereabouts every second of the day, what we're doing, what we're thinking in

terms of all of our obviously searches and everything we buy, everything is documented. Yeah. But that's, what's going to happen here. Like think about how easy this job is. People are posting videos, bragging like that woman, you know, outside the Capitol. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. So it'll be a very easy to sweep all these people up. But as you said up top, within these goofballs, there were some very serious agents at work. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, talk about that podium. If they don't recover that podium, that thing is going to be the holy grail for these militia people. I mean, can you imagine the shrine that's gonna be that's gonna be in some fucking basement in arkansas and people will line up to touch it yeah um speaking of entertainment

let's let's do some entertainment okay should we start oh my god should we start with skin can we start by saying our friend mikey fitzgibbon decided to text out that people should watch this movie no forewarning no no fucking like preparation just watch this movie yeah so i'm in indianapolis on thursday night and i take an edible and i settle in to enjoy a movie called skin and i'm thinking skin all right maybe it's a little fucking risque maybe it's a little titty maybe whack one off on a thursday night i think one of the only warnings he gave was by the way it's in Spanish, so it's subtitles, but it's cool. Yeah, it is the most disturbing film I have hands down that I've ever seen in my life. It is. I didn't sleep all night. It is about a group of people who have deformities.

One guy is a burn victim, a severe burn victim. I liked it, by the way. One of them is a woman who's got a tumor that's so big. It's like a second head. And then the coup de gras is a woman whose asshole and mouth have been flipped. Inverted. Use the medical term, please. Converted. Use the medical term, please. And so she literally has a brown, wrinkly circle where her mouth would go with hair circling around. The hair was a detail I did not need to see. Why can't she shave that? People shave their assholes. I know.

It was enough that it was like the puckering starfish in the middle of her face. And her chin was basically like the two ass cheeks. But this puckering starfish and it was kind of dark. That's all you need. Really. Actually, that's too much. You don't need the hair. And then they show her asshole and it's a pretty mouth.

It's a pretty female mouth where her asshole would normally go. And I'm not going to even go into what happened at the hands of two derelicts with her. But I mean, thanks, Mikey. Thanks. By the way, I was not high and I was really down on myself that I didn't see it coming. So the girl we're describing with the asshole for a mouth, it was her birthday. And if I was sharper, I automatically would have started dying laughing knowing what was coming. Yeah. And I'll just say that. knowing what was coming. Yeah. And I'll just say that.

But it, listen, it reminded me a lot of like early David Lynch meets John Waters. Like the art direction was unbelievable. Yeah. I did laugh hard a bunch of times. Yeah, I did laugh a couple, that one thing you mentioned, I laughed, but most of the time I was going like, did I eat too much?

Am I, is this happening? Like I really was questioning whether this movie was really happening. And you know, when you're high, you start to wonder, is my perception of this completely warped and it's not really this bad? And again, I wouldn't say don't watch it, but be very prepared. Watch it in the morning so you have the whole day to process it i love the mother of the kid who wanted to be a mermaid she was so negative yeah yeah she was great i died laughing and she throws she calls them or like a retake and also i guess in spain they haven't gotten the memo on retard. Or maybe that is the point.

The character doesn't care. Yeah, she calls him a moron. It was really, really funny. Okay, so we had a little text chain going. Mikey recommended Skin. You recommended Baby God. Baby God. I watched it. Oh, you it's it's a really cool documentary

it's about this guy who was a doctor for like fucking 60 years and he was a fertility expert from what state was he in colorado he you know he settled in las Vegas. And there was only a few gynecologists and OBGYNs. And he opened a clinic, the women's clinic, and they delivered like thousands of babies. So guys would come in, the husbands, and they would give a sperm sample and then they would leave and the doctor would get rid of it. And the wife was still there. And he would say, hold on a second. She would sit there in the stirrups while he went in the other room, jerked off and stuck his sperm in them. This went on for 50 years. That's the problem. All right. So, well, there's a lot of lot of problems but wait don't don't give away where it goes but but it the documentary starts with this woman did she get it ancestry.com like as a gift or whatever yeah and she does it and all of a sudden it's like you have five or

four or five brothers and sisters like and she's a detective. She retires as a detective. Yeah. So now this becomes her all-consuming goal in life. So I want to talk about it without giving it away because I think people should watch Baby God. And it's very similar to the one I really want to talk about, the other documentary, Tell Me Who I Am, which we'll get into in a minute. But in the beginning of this documentary, Baby God, so we're not like giving that much away. In the beginning, though, is a how old would you say this detective is? Well, she retired, so she's probably I think she retired young.

She was probably late 50s. So let's say she's late 50s. Her mom, I'd put her, you know, obviously around 80 or something like that. Right. Close to 80. Yeah. or something like that, right? Close to 80. Yeah. So she finds out this information and all the brothers and sisters have the last name, they're half brothers and sisters, have the last name of the doctor. And so basically she finds out, and she talks about this in documentary, she finds out that the doctor had impregnated her mother and that her father,

the mom's husband, was not her biological father. So do you tell the mother? She does and then later says she regrets telling her. I say you definitely. First of all, an interesting way to look at it is if the father were still alive, they remained married and the mom is a widow. If the father is still alive, I think that's one interesting way to get to where you feel on this issue, because it's so much clearer. I think that you would never want to tell the father. Yeah. Cause he's a cock. You never want to make a man a cock, but also like his identity, like his identity has changed more than the mom's cause the mom is still the biological mom. Yeah. His identity is out the fucking window. He's never had a child.

Right, right, right. Now, of course, you can identify father. He was a father. He is her father. But biologically, he's not. It goes so many levels deeper than this. I would say watch it. And I think we need to come back and talk about the much darker side of this that comes out in the second half of the movie. All right. So everybody see baby God this week, especially if you want to cleanse the palate after watching skin. Did you watch tell me who I am? No. All right. This is my favorite new thing. Documentary on Netflix called tell me who I am. All right, this is my favorite new thing. Documentary on Netflix called Tell Me Who I Am.

I'm going to tell you the premise, which you learn in the first four minutes. It's wild, the premise, and philosophically. Two 18-year-old twins, they're both boys. They're born into an aristocratic family outside London, I guess, in this giant man or whatever. When one of the boys is 18, and this is how it leads, it leads with a motorcycle crash, he gets in an accident and hits his head and suffers blunt trauma to his head and is in a coma. He's in the hospital and he wakes up. He wakes up and he's looking around and he sees his twin brother. I should remember the guy's name, but let's say it's Marvin or whatever, and sees him and says his name. And his brother then comes over and holds his hand.

And he hears an hysterical woman crying on the other side of the bed and he looks at her and she's like thank god thank god you're awake thank god you're awake and he takes all that in and then he looks back at his brother and he's like who's she and he's like that's mom and the only thing he remembers is his brother. Wow. They drive home from the hospital. First of all, he's like, what's this? I swear to God, this is a car.

They drive to their home. They're waiting for things to trigger. He's like, whoa, we live there? And no memory of the house? 18. They go of the house. 18. They go into the bed, no memory of like the bedroom where the twins live, no memory of anything. And so the brother then has to rebuild him. And it was very much like kind of like AI, like famously in Blade Runner.

It's kind of like when you're instilling they would instill memories in these ais like so he would show him a photo of the two of them at the beach because eventually he was asking like what was our childhood like and so he'd show him he's like oh you know we went to france on vacation once and he'd show him a photo and then this guy would build up all these memories on his own around a photograph yeah Yeah. Anyway, I can't go more into it than that. It's one of the more interesting documentaries I've seen. And just like Baby God, there is that huge question about playing God. Because the brother can now, by the way, consciously,

but even unconsciously kind of tell him what, what he can edit. He can tell him what he wants. And then he's going to have, I think it's interesting because if you don't give him the bad shit, he's going to have a very unrealistic expectation of what life really is. And he's going to be destroyed by anything bad that happens in the future. So I watch it, you know, you can do Netflix party, maybe in a weird way. You could watch it with your family, but, or wait till you, but when you come back, you're not even going to be with them. Huh? What's Netflix party? Oh, Netflix party is kind of an, you can put it, I think you can load it on Chrome, I believe. But you can watch Netflix with other people at the same time.

At the same time? Yep. And there's, by the way, and there's a message. It's like you can message each other. Like, you know, I imagine it would be great for sports. But anyway, Netflix has that. So if you're watching the newest episode of whatever show you're watching on there, you can like chat with someone. But what it does mostly is you're synced up exactly watching it, you know, with someone.

Huh. Interesting. Yeah. By the way, thanks for giving me your passcode for your, I'm going to try out your YouTube TV. I love YouTube TV. I'm going to be quarantining in the back. I'm going to Phoenix next weekend, so I'm going to be quarantining for a total of three weeks in the back,

and our TV back there doesn't have cable, so I'll be able to watch everything now. How are you going to watch YouTube TV? We have internet on the TV. Oh, you do? Yeah. It's a smart TV, but it's a guest house, so the cable runs into the house, but it doesn't run to the back. You'd have to have a whole separate cable setup to go to the back that you pay for.

So YouTube TV is an app, kind of like HBO Max? Yeah. So hopefully your smart TV gets that. If it doesn't, all you have to do is get any of those sticks or an Apple TV. Yeah, we got an Apple TV. So an Apple TV, you can even just, you know, like I have YouTube TV on my phone also. So if I, whatever, for some reason, you can, you know, obviously bounce that to your TV via the Apple TV. Yeah.

Okay. Another entertainment story. I know you've seen this. By the way, we're talking a lot about documentaries. Michael Apted, a documentary and a legend, died at 79 this week. You've seen the 7 Up documentary series? Of course. Yeah. So for people that don't know, I'll just read through this quickly. You really should catch up on this also. So Michael Apted's audience literally grew up with him. In 1963, he was a 22-year-old Cambridge Law student from Southeast England who aspired to be a filmmaker. He found a job as a researcher on a TV documentary called Seven Up.

The idea was, this is him talking, the idea was that we would get seven-year-old children from different backgrounds, from rich backgrounds, from poor backgrounds, from rural backgrounds, and have them talk about their lives, their ambitions, their dreams, and whatever, and see whether that told us anything. The documentary evolved into a pioneering social experiment. Every seven years, the filmmakers checked in with the children as they aged. Over nine episodes, the subjects, originally 14 of them, found careers, experienced heartbreak and success, got married and divorced, and in some cases died. After the first episode, Apted directed every single one of the Up series. The most recent one, 63 Up, came out in 2019.

Not every subject stayed with the project, and some became unhappy with it. So the titles of the movies were 7 Up, 14 Up, 21 Up, 28 Up, all the way up. Oh, I can figure it out. So it started in 63. Is that what it said? Yeah. I should listen to what I say. So I remember going to the film forum in New York and someone said, you have to see this.

And I think it was 28 Up. I had never heard of it. Yeah. And I think it was 28 up. I had never heard of it. Yeah. And I was blown away. Because what each series does, so for example, in my experience,

I don't know if it was 35 up I saw. Do you remember the first one you saw? I think I saw it early. I think I saw it when it was like, yeah, probably 28. The fourth one. Yeah, it was either 28 or 35. So they would show you obviously all these flashbacks. But what this did, and so I can't believe they didn't put this in the description. There's a very famous saying, give me the boy until he's seven and I'll give you the man. That's where this came from. And so what you find is it's such a class system in England that they became exactly what they said they were going to be. It's like at seven, the rural kid or the poor kid, I think he might've even been a plumber's son or whatever. He was becoming a plumber. And then they had this complete elitist kid who was like, you know, his parents just wanted to use this documentary to talk about fundraising efforts in Africa or whatever.

Like he became, um, he became, he went to the most elitist boarding school. Like you were just locked in. It wasn't like America where if you have a good idea in a garage, you can become the richest man in America. Like that does not exist in England. And there was like a seven year old kid who was kind of wild and badly behaved. And then he was in and out of trouble his whole life. So the first one I saw, he was roaming an island off Scotland, basically like a homeless person. Is that the first one you saw? roaming an island off Scotland, basically like a homeless person. Is that the first one you saw? I don't remember.

I got to see them again. I'm totally fucking titillated to go back and watch all of these again. Same. It would be a great thing to start from beginning to end. Anyway, there you go. That's what we, but poor Michael Apt had died,

but at least he got his most recent one out in 2019, which is cool. I guess that covers our, usually we do the obituary later, but that'll be our obituary for today. Oh, you know, I, usually we do the obituary later, but that'll be our obituary for today. Oh, you know,

I actually went down to the obituary this morning, checked that you didn't get him. And that's why I felt safe putting it in here. Okay. We'll do two. Cause the one, the one I got is actually really fucking cool. I love the one you got. All right,

we can move, we can move it along. All right. So sports. Tampa Bay. Bad news, bad news for Mike Gibbons in sports. Not even close again. The fucking, the Buccaneers are beating the spread all, not all year. I'm up $150 now.

Last week, they beat Atlanta 44 to 27, and there was only a six and a half point spread, but they won it by whatever, 16. A hundred. And then, so this week coming up, you're playing the, I'm playing the Washington football team. I'm giving them eight and a half points.

No, you're not. It's nine. All right. Take it easy. Fuck that. Hey, interesting story. You want me to find sports stories? I'll go through this quickly, but it was sort of interesting.

At the end of last week's game, there was some bizarre behavior by Brady and people were trying to figure it out. They could have just easily run out the clock. They crushed the other team. Instead, he kind of did a hurry-up offense and made three passes. Then, which didn't even really move them down the field that much, he then took a knee the next three plays to run out the clock.

It turns out that wide receiver Antonio Brown, who Brady eagerly recruited to the Buccaneers this year, and Brady knew that Brown's... Who, by the way, wasn't he like a domestic abuser? He got dropped by a couple teams. He's an evil dude, Antonio Brown. I wouldn't... Listen, are you implying that Brady keeps bad company?

Yeah. And that he's affiliated with not such good people? Yeah. I don't know about that. So, anyway, Brady knew that Brown stood to make $250,000 bonus if he had 45 receptions for the season. Coming into the game, Brown had 34 catches. Brady threw to him for eight completions during the main part of the game, which still left him three short of 45.

So in those last few minutes of garbage time at the end of the game, which still left him three short of 45. So in those last few minutes of garbage time at the end of the game, he nailed them for three quick passes, and then he took a knee. They were meaningless passes, as this article points out. There was something financially in it for Brady, too, however, because Brady entered the game as the fifth-rated passing quarterback in the NFL. And if he stayed in fifth place or above for the season, he'd pull in another $562,000 bonus for himself.

This is in addition, by the way, to the $2 million he took from the government as part of the PPP program. You got it. So anyway, that's your little news story. Wow. Okay, we're betting today. And for some reason, I'm rooting for the former Redskins. Oh, is that game today? It's happening as soon as we hang up on this podcast.

Oh, shit. All right. I'm going to be up. And by the way, this should be the fucking headline. You know, I've been counting down the football. I'm in a suicide pool that doesn't go into the playoffs. It's a regular season pool, so it ended last week. There were 200 people in it, and I won.

I won the pool. I split it with three other people. Wait, why did you split it? Because four of us didn't get any wrong the entire the entire it's one of these pools a suicide pool you pick one game a week if you lose you're knocked out the season's over sorry can't pick the same team twice and so four of us remained and i was one of them took a little fucking do-re-mi-hum. Look at you. Yeah. It's very rare that people make it that far. Well,

I really mapped it out. I looked at it. I have a few rules. Number one, never bet for or against a New York team. A rule you got from me, by the way. The Jets will break your heart in either direction. They will lose all season, and then at the end of the

season, where they should be taking a knee so they get some draft picks they start winning fucking games um so you never bet the giants you never bet against a home team uh never bet denver never bet against denver when they're at home because the altitude i have a whole bunch of fucking rules that i stick by and uh and in general the rule is bet against the worst two teams in the league so i map out at the beginning of the year who's playing the worst teams in the league and i bet on them because a lot of times you're betting on a team who's ranked 20th in the league but they're playing the jets at home and so right you you bet

against the jets you remember remember I got into that HBO or the Time Warner pool early on. This is in the nineties and it was exact same thing. Suicide pool. Anyway, lots of people in it. A hundred bucks to enter. Winner takes 20 grand. So I got down to the final three. And as you know, I know nothing about football football so i got down to the final no there were three other guys the final four and it was pretty early like there were a bunch of games and everyone who was following is like you fucking won this because those guys already took oakland or whoever it was like you got the lock this week they have like dicey games i kept hearing so many people tell me i won the 20,000. I got sick of

it. And finally I'm like, do you want a piece? And they're like, what do you mean? I'm like, you're so sure. How about this? A hundred bucks. I think it was like a hundred bucks buys you a thousand or something like that. So I did it to 10 people figuring I'll give 10, I'll give 10,000 of my 20,000 away to hedge my bet. That very week I lost. And so- And can I point out, by the way, what's my nickname for you? Oh, the turtle? The turtle. That's the way you've gambled since the first time I saw you gamble in Vegas in like 1989. And you found the fight. You wanted to go downtown where they had 50 cent tables and you would never

fucking, you would never build on your bet. You would take the money off the table every time you want. How come I've lost a fortune shorting the market and this fucking, how about me texting you the first dirt bags get in the Capitol. And I'm like, I am shorting this market. Like, and I see the violence going on. Now I see a woman. So I have one. I now I fucking load up some shorts on Wednesday. And I also, by the way, I also bought Bitcoin and I think I'm late to that party, which I always do. So anyway, then I'm watching and I'm watching the stock market. I'm like, and of course I'm watching

the news. I'm like, is the country imploding? Then you see footage of a woman being rushed out, bleeding to death. And I'm like, and the stock market goes up. Yeah. I swear to God. It's totally irrational. It went up the rest of the day. Yeah. And then it went up the fucking next day.

Yeah. What? It's insanity. Now, you can't predict it. And I've gone conservative the last couple of years in the market, of course, has gone through the fucking roof. I just,

it's hard to understand. All right. Everybody root for me that the stock market goes down Monday. Cause I'm sitting on shorts and it's killing me. And everybody wrote for Tampa Bay happening in a little, you'll know by the time you hear this podcast, whether or not I'm up 200 or a hundred, we're going to take this through.

Are we taking this all the way through? I guess as long as they're alive, we'll keep betting on them. Tampa Bay is out today. All right. Want to skip science? Let's skip science. Do you want to go to – there's an Ask Amy. I also have a funny next door app thing, but what do you want to do?

Do you want to go to obituaries? Let's do obituaries oh wait did we do letters to the editor yet let's do let's do the letters to the editor okay danny morales says aloha from maui boys oh lucky that's annoying i can't stand when people from hawaii say aloha yeah i was born and raised on maui and have never heard the term quote throw a move before like when fitz talks about his wife or blonde your dagwood and it's fucking hilarious i get it from the great don rickles who would always say he threw a move on the wife to johnny carson and i fucking loved it i went down the rabbit hole of don rick on YouTube the other day. Holy fucking shit.

The stuff he used to say. He walks up to an Asian guy in the crowd and he goes, what are you? What are you, Japanese? And the guy, he goes, what are you, Japanese or Chinese? Guy says, I'm Filipino. He goes, sure you are. My brother was chasing you down for two years in the jungle. And he fucking goes off on this guy. And then he goes to another guy. He goes, that's your wife? And the guy goes the jungle. And he fucking goes off on this guy.

And then he goes to another guy, he goes, that's your wife? And the guy goes, yeah. And he goes, ooh. Shakes his head and walks away. I've seen footage of him sitting next to Johnny Carson in the guest chair, just hurling racist remarks at the audience at the Tonight Show.

Yeah, yeah, right. And the stuff he used to say, shitting on Ed McMahon for being a drunk, he walks in, he walks in one time and he sits down and he looks at it and he goes, how you doing Ed? And then he does the, he does the miming, taking a shot. And he goes, Ed slept like a log last night. He was in the fireplace. And all the things that don't make sense, you know, like the hockey puck stuff, just unbelievable. I used to love because he would start saying stuff that didn't make sense. And then Letterman used to call him on it. Right. And he'd say he'd say milk a chair in a museum.

Shut up. Shut up, Dave. Yeah, he'd, he'd get angry when anyone wouldn't get his ungettable references. Yeah. This comes from JJ. I bought one share of Tesla a year ago when it was $235. I watched it climb and climb and was wondering if it would split. I was prepared to lose it. Finally, it split. It went five to one. My shares are now worth $4,000. One year ago, he put $235 down. One share, and it's now worth $4,000. This is where I would buy Tesla right now. That's how I move, and that's why I never make money. I don't think it's too late to buy Tesla. A lot of people are saying it's not too late. Well, we'd all have to, you know, move to Mars.

By the way, called my broker when I got the tip on Tesla a year ago. I was going to put a lot of money into it and my fucking broker told me the fundamentals weren't good and don't do it. I think I've told this story and I always do this. I remember thinking I was working at HBO. Let's say it was 95 and I thought it was too late to buy Intel. No.

Okay, here's another one. I'm at Craig Kilborn. We have this guy who not many people know on. We had him on as a second guest, Jeff Bezos. he came on and uh in one of the questions killborn wanted some funny questions for him we said since you've been here since you arrived today like an hour ago whatever how much money have you how much money how your fortune has grown by how much because based on the stock price during that day yeah and i was like i was furious that I had missed buying Amazon. That was in 2004. Yep. I never bought it. Well, you know, a lot of people are saying Bitcoin could be that, that you should put a lot of money in Bitcoin because it could go fucking crazy over the next 10 years. So I bought a ticker symbol for Bitcoin on Wednesday, and it's up over 4% already. But, you know, I'm so goddamn late to that party, of course.

All right, here's a great obituary. And that's all, folks. This is fucking crazy. Helen Jackson, you've never heard of her, volunteered as a caregiver to Civil War veteran James Bolin when she was a young woman. And he, a neighbor, was in his final years. He appreciated her help, but he couldn't afford to pay her. So he offered to marry her so she would inherit his Civil War pension when he died. The two were wed in 1936. She was 17. He was 93.

Jackson told few people of the marriage, not wanting to invite salacious gossip about the arrangement. She kept her name and continued living at her own home even after the marriage, though she still helped care for Brolin until his death in 1939, which was three years later. 1939, which was three years later. So she is the last known surviving widow of a Civil War veteran. Well, wait, you haven't mentioned she died. Yeah, she just died.

Yeah. She was. She planned her own funeral. Yep. I'm just reading what you got here.son disclosed the truth of her early marriage nobody knew prior to that the last known survivor prior to that um jackson's marriage was verified by the daughters of the union veterans of the civil war and uh it was notated in the family's bible which was a big that was the the the. That was the, what do you call it?

The record, the official record was people's Bibles. Never remarried. She never remarried at 20 years old. And she was active in her community as a member of her local garden group. Well, that's a lot of fucking gardening when you're not married. Jesus Christ. What a line. This guy was getting 17-year-old tail because he promised a civil war pension.

Right? Can you imagine that shit? What kind of fantasies do they lead out? Oh, stuff me with your musket, you. Also, what's that phone call like when she goes to collect that pension? She's like, yes, hi, I'm a, I'm a widow. Like you're a girl. It's like, no, no, I was married to a, to a man who fought in the civil war. He's like, well, someone tell this girl that she's cheating the system. What's going on here?

Right. God bless her. Rest in peace, Helen jackson you fucking dirty whore also what's the civil war pension what do you think that's like and who was still around to even know what the hell was going on with it yeah i mean what do they even pay you in it's uh you know what the coins were constantly changing back then like gold was basically a gold coin was its weight in gold. That's what it was worth. Yeah. Let's get to the funnies, Mike. Oh, boy. Always need to cheer up after the obituaries.

Let's start off with our great Hager, the horrible. And he really is horrible. That's the thing, Mike. You can't ever forget that this was indeed a viking a a marauding gang that killed and raped everywhere they went and yet crack open that sunday paper get the kids huddled around it and let's see what all the haggers up to in this one there's a castle haggers at the bottom of it with his uh troops and they have set up what looks like a trampoline and uh they are jumping up into a castle the top of the castle has a very young

she looks like she's about 17 a beautiful yellow haired damsel in distress and he says, who says work can't be fun? Nothing more fun than a quick rape in the afternoon. Yes. And the trampoline has the word boing written on it. And I'm sure he's like, two more bounces and I'm bouncing on you, lady. The boing is also right by his pants. Exactly. Yeah. Who says raping can't be fun back then? Another military man, Beetle Bailey, is our next comic strip today.

He's walking along with this other guy. It's late at night, and the guy says, wow, we're late. Beetle says, we can slip in through that window. So the next picture is beetle and you're seeing it from inside of the bunkhouse beetle's halfway in the window and he says okay you can let it let go on my feet killer and uh then killer says those aren't my hands so the implication is sarge his mortal enemy has has now got Beetle's legs, and he's about to fuck Beetle in the ass.

That's what you got? Oh, you didn't get that? I didn't get that, no. Yeah, he's going to fuck Beetle in the ass. Oh, wow. All right, boing. Boing. What do we got here at Family Circus?

Yeah. Yeah. what do we got here at Family Circus yeah so I don't even so there's kids there's two kids in the kitchen and they've handed their mom a piece of paper one of them is dressed up like a doctor

one of the kids and then the other kid's just nothing I don't even know how to break this down. Billy is standing there. And the mom is reading and she says a prescription. She has a note in her hand. Yeah, I think I got that part.

And then she goes a prescription for cookies. And then she goes, a prescription for cookies? So, once again, in order to be along for this family circus ride, you have to accept that the kids are going to use more sophisticated words in their naive way because they don't know the simpler words to use, which is recipe versus prescription. Uh-huh. And so the humor is all hinged on that acceptance of this family circus reality, which is it makes no fucking sense. No, Mike, you're missing it.

You're overlooking that this is actually not that bad. A doctor writes a prescription, dummy, and he's saying a prescription for cookies. Like, she's supposed to give them cookies. Are you not getting family circus? Is it above you? I think you're right. Cause they often do that. They choose a more complicated word as we've seen before. Yes. Okay. And I, I didn't get, I am very slow today and I've not been funny in this podcast. So I did miss that.

That being said, Jeff Keen pulls off a not bad i mean look it's soft it's child friendly but it's not bad put the word pot in there before cookies and now i'm along for the ride hey now yeah let's get to it oh blondie here's fucking dagwood he's standing there in a pair of donut pajamas we've talked about this before blue slippers and he's standing there in a pair of donut pajamas. We've talked about this before. Blue slippers. And he's standing in front of a door that has a doggy door.

And his dog walks out and he says to himself, Bumstead, you've done it again. Perfect. That's my girl, Daisy. Now he gets into bed and Blondie is already in bed. Negligee falling off the shoulder

exposing an ivory a porcelain shoulder with the blonde locks cascading over the neck and he says installing that dog door was pure genius and she goes nice going honey and then he turns off the light faces away from her which by the way you've just accomplished something in the house that's a free pass that's a gimme you get pussy for that and he says now she can come and go anytime she pleases and blondie goes that's going to make things a lot easier for sure she really condescends to him which is one of the things i enjoy about her so they're laying in bed and all of a sudden about a dozen dogs have come in the room and a bunch of them have jumped up on blondie and uh dagwood says that dog door is out of here first thing in the morning the these dogs they are all over blondie the the pussy that she

got wet when he made the door she got excited she she went into heat pheromones went out into the neighborhood and dogs have come in to get a piece of blondie huh that's how i read it that's not how you read it well you can't trust me anymore i didn't even get the family circus right but one confusing one confusing part to me was she was watching her husband find yet another thing to shirk another responsibility not to do he won't even walk the dog anymore yes yes the dog door is the sign of a bad dog owner i've always believed that first of all i don't want rodents in my house. Any fucking rodent out there. You know, in California, you got those, what do you call those things that are really slow? Me? An armadillo? Yeah, what is it? It's an armadillo, but with

hair. What are those little bastards? We saw one in our backyard with its babies clung all over it. Yeah, yeah. What are they called? Hey, by the way, did you get my text that that coyote was down right in our neighborhood? No, I didn't get that. Yeah, because I told Dennis, I go, you know, get your dog in. And then I said, and Greg, put Brulee out.

We're desperately trying to get rid of my dog. Oh, just put it out. This coyote will find it. Well, Brulee would have bit him. Possum. Possum. That's what it is. All right, listen.

I want to thank you guys for listening today. I know this was a big week for news. I know. And it doesn't necessarily, I don't know that there was a way to broach it without sounding partisan and without sounding angry, and hopefully you hung in with it. If you don't agree with our politics, I hope you can still take in that there's different points of view, and that my MO is let's come together, which is why I'm glad Biden is president. I really do think this is not a time to hate. This is a time to fucking figure stuff out.

What do you think happens over the next week? I think Pelosi goes after the impeachment charges, but January 19th is the next time that the Senate actually convenes. So it's all just going to be, you know, saber rattling. Huh. Yeah, I don't know. My mind's not really working today, but I also don't know what it's like. It's hard to guess now. Well, Trump has said he's not going to the inauguration, which I think is probably for the best. I mean, can you imagine Biden having to shake hands with him at this point and pretend that there was a decent transfer of power? Yeah.

And Trump is claiming he's going to start his own, like, you know, social media company or whatever. Yeah, which will just attract the hardcore base, which will become culty and dangerous. He says he won't step down. He won't quit. He won't do any of that. I thought he might and let Pence pardon him, but I guess he can pardon himself maybe.

Yeah. Well, Chris Denman, our producer, has already signed up for all the platforms that Trump is on. Yeah, that is true. Oh, no, there's also another planned attack for the 17th. Oh, is that right? I probably shouldn't say the word attack,

but they're going to converge on Washington. Prior to the inauguration? Well, yeah, I read that there is chatter that they're trying to organize something for the 17th. Whether that'll go away or not, who knows? Wow. Okay. Yep.

Well, that'll do it. Mike Gibbons. Watch Tell Me Who I Am. Watch Skins. And if you're in Tempe, Arizona, I will be at the Tempe Improv this Thursday through Saturday. Tickets at FitzDawg.com. Don't forget FitzDawg Radio. The other podcast this week I've got Ian Edwards on.

Your old friend Neil Brennan was on last week. Yeah, I saw that. A lot of good guests coming up in 2021. TJ Miller. I love TJ. A bunch of people. Anyway, all right. I love TJ. Bunch of people. Anyway, all right. Thanks, guys.

Thanks to Midcoast Media, Beth Hoops and Chris Denman and Key and everybody else who helps out. Mike Gibbons. Yeah, man. I'm sorry. I kind of didn't bring it today. I was late. This one's on next week. I'm going to do most of the heavy lifting.

Next week's going to be huge, guys. All right. Guys, huge. All right. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Bye-bye. Sunday papers.

Sunday, Sunday papers. Read all about it. Sunday papers. Sunday Papers Read all about it Sunday Papers