Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 46 1/17/21

Episode Date: January 17, 2021

Big political week? Not on Sunday Papers! We give you a rest and focus on missing Bitcoins, penis cages and what a single mother of 3 can expect to make posting nude pix on the internet.

read all about it jesus the phoenix edition of the Sunday papers. Get it now. Get it now. I'm running out. I need the money for soup for my family. Arizona is terrified right now. Oh, my God. All right. How are you, man? So tell us where you are.

First of all, you're going to have technical difficulties. Should we warn them in advance? Yeah. If you're watching this on Zoom, you may see some freezing once in a while. The hotel Wi-Fi, I think I might have worn it out watching porn last night. Can you wear out hotel Wi-Fi? You can wear out a lot of things. I don't know about Wi-Fi. Wear out in marriage. I'm in Tempe where our friend Rabih went to college.

And I'll tell you, these ASU girls are so dumb. I was sitting at an outdoor breakfast place yesterday, which, by the way, you don't have to sit outdoor. Arizona is the hottest spot in the country indoor dining people the gyms are open technically it might be the hot the hottest spot on earth yeah and the gyms are open and uh mask using is fucking scoffed openly on the street somebody said something to me because i was wearing my mask wearing in the street. And anyway, so you overhear girls talking and it literally sounds like that character from

big mouth. The girl, this girl is like, Oh my God. Oh wow. I'm no way. Yeah. Man. And, and just like, you see, like I watch a fair amount of cast and couch porn. And wow, two porn, three minutes into the podcast, three porn.

God, I'm now hoping for technical difficulties. And, you know, it's almost all girls from ASU on these cast and couch. That's what it is. Yeah. And you look at them and you go oh yeah i could get her on a couch in 15 seconds okay okay okay uh so this is our non and so far so good our non-political pod edition of the podcast right no politics politics. We know that you guys got an earful this year. Everybody's got fatigue about the coup. Everybody's got fatigue about the impeachment. The country being stolen. I think both sides are saying that. People are tired of, you know, they talk about that the vaccine's not being spread.

So we're not going to talk about any of that stuff. Sounds good to me. What do we got? We got that song I liked a lot, by the way. Great song. It was Sam Famino did it. We got a bunch of good ones coming up i last night uh my friend rob dukes who's uh who's in a heavy metal band i can't remember the name of his band he's in a really

famous metal band and he did a he did the song for us remember the sunday fucking papers oh yeah he did that and he's writing another one for us right now he came to the show last night with his lovely girlfriend i fucking love we hung out for He came to the show last night with his lovely girlfriend. I fucking love. We hung out for a while after the show. Such cool people. So she's the exception to the Arizona dumb? Oh, no, she was dumb as hell. No, I'm kidding.

She was from San Francisco, and she was actually very sharp. And she did a graphic for us that we didn't use. But she's going to do another one. Very cool. You know, since you put that call out, you know, we've got a lot of good submissions. Oh, here we got a note from Chris Denman, our producer, who's currently... Is his Twitter handle QAnon Chris? He changed it.

Oh. He's saying that Rob was in a band called Generation Kill. Oh, they are big. Yeah, they're big. And he's fucking awesome. He's got the most killer voice. His band was so fucking violent that he's banned from the whiskey, a go-go, in L.A.

Oh, wow. Yeah. He'll play the inauguration. Yeah. Oops, politics. We also got a nice logo from Lawrence Tarpey of the Beatles, which he did a really nice job. Nice.

And we've gotten a bunch of new songs and logos since we asked for them, so keep them coming. We appreciate those. Wait, what were we talking about that we said save it? We were going to talk about... Ayahuasca. There was something else, too. We're thinking of recording our, what's supposed to be a five-minute meeting to kind of go over what we're going of recording our what's supposed to be five minute meeting to kind of go over what

we're going to say because uh it's often funnier than the podcast uh and it lasted 47 minutes also the five minutes does last 40 minutes yeah um oh we were also going to talk about i'm in phoenix and and you said i should have driven oh yeah to avoid the uh to avoid the aids the the breath aids no no no i actually thought you should drive because i think it's a toss-up when it's a five-hour drive to flood like vegas to door to door first of all it's a six-hour drive i just looked it up and if i fly it takes know me, I leave 15, I get to the airport an hour before the flight. I leave myself 15 minutes to get to the airport because I live in Venice and I literally do make it in 15 minutes.

With parking? Parking, I get dropped off. What am I fucking? Okay. What is this, 1975 where you smoke on the plane and you park at the airport. Oh God. Those were the days. Real glass martini, you know, metal knives.

I, uh, I remember picking you up once. So maybe listeners can relate. So all I do is get crap, unending crap from my family because I'm way too casual about getting, like, I don't want to get to the airport early. I also want to leave 15 minutes before I have to get there. I don't even like leaving an hour in the airport if I'm flying domestic. So my, like my girls are always like, they demand to see what time I've set the alarm for. They demand to know what time I've ordered like an Uber to go to the airport. So I have that sort of persona, right? I then I'm leaving late.

We are flying to Vegas. I go to pick you up and I text you and apologize because I'm really running late and I'm fairly convinced we're going to miss our flight. I pull up and Aaron has to come out and she just goes, he's not ready yet. I was like, what? And, uh, he's like, no, no, he always does this. And she's kind of like, don't worry. He somehow pulls it off. I'm like, wait, we know we have to go all of a sudden. Now what you've done is flipped me into the anal retentive buttoned up person. And I don't like that at all. So you then walk out with your bag like five minutes later.

I'm saying, I think at this point, no joke. I think we were at your home and our flight was leaving in like 55 minutes. And you're like, don't worry, I got this. And you go, you better let me drive. So I now I'm not only the panicky little bitch, but now I'm riding shotgun as you take, as you take man, literally using my words carefully, as you man the helm and get in their car, you start to take off. I'm just staring at you and you're like, there's two lights I always run on the way to LAX. And I'm just like, what is going on? We pull down to Jefferson and Lincoln.

Anybody in LA knows this is a giant. I think there are four lanes or at least three. And then the fourth one, which makes a turn going north and south. So that's at least six lanes. And then Jefferson is huge. It's at least two lanes on each side. You like kind of crane your neck as we're approaching the intersection and just go right through the red light. Right through. That's the one you run.

There's never any cops there. And it's a long fucking light. You save yourself two minutes right there. We made the flight. we made the flight we made the flight i once woke up at 9 15 i overslept i woke up at 9 15 i had a 10 o'clock flight and i i texted my wife when i was on the plane i'm like i'm on the fucking plane we haven't taken off yet i've done that too much where i've proven like to work and stuff. But I'm, but I'm the guy on the podcast that, that you flipped it on. I'm the guy who's like, you know, making sure everything's done and ready. And I'm worried. And I send you little invoices at the end of the month

for how much money we lost. I haven't even done anything about it. I haven't collected a cent. lost i haven't even done anything about it haven't collected a cent i you know i'm your bitch on the podcast i love i love it i i was even anti-google docs like yeah you're right i'm way more casual about it you're a professional podcaster i'm not i know i know and uh and i actually enjoy it i like i like putting the script together i I was glad this week. I kind of made up for letting you fill out a lot of this material, which is good because you don't seem full Fitzforce this week. Is that good? No. I'm a little worried about you.

Well, the ayahuasca, that's probably why you want to do that. We're going to do ayahuasca. I had Neil Brennan on Fitzdog Radio this past past week and he talked about this amazing experience he had with ian edwards and somebody else and um i feel like in my life right now i need to take three giant steps back and look at the totality of my life what has come come before, what I've got ahead of me, what I have in my life now, and reacclimate. And I think that only through the use of drugs can I do this. I think you're being a little hard on yourself. I mean, think about where the sweet spot you're in now.

You're in Phoenix masturbating in your room for three hours wondering if it's wearing out the hotel Wi-Fi. Phoenix masturbating in your room for three hours, wondering if it's wearing out the hotel Wi-Fi. I mean, it's called winning. Yeah, I am winning. Tiger's blood. Yeah. So are you in for the ayahuasca? I don't know. I probably should do it for the very reasons.

It's kind of like they say when you're tripping and there's something scary going on, like maybe you imagine a door. Let's say you're really tripping. Everyone is like, go towards what you're afraid of. So I'm a little afraid of doing it, I think, because, you know, there's a lot going on. Midlife, man. Yeah, there's a lot going on in midlife. Yeah. You have to decide. Let's break life break life i guess down into two acts you got to decide what your second act is going to be

arguably your third act and final and uh my parents are still alive and in a weird way when you get up towards like you know i'm in my early my early fifties, like you, that all of a sudden becomes a giant chapter that you're approaching. And how is that going to change you? I mean, you took the easy way out by having your dad die when you were younger. Yeah. Oh, I thought you might've been frozen. I thought that was a technical difficulty. I was frozen for a second. Oh, I thought you were frozen and like, this podcast is no longer going to happen after you just said that.

No, I think there's three acts to life. There's assuming that you have children. It's before children, children, a second act. And then you're almost there. I've got one kid left in the house. Once she's gone, then I feel like act three really begins. Right. And and you decide, can I switch what I do for a living? Like, do I want to continue going on the road, writing on TV shows, doing podcasts? And I can't imagine not wanting to do those things because I enjoy them all.

And I can't think of anything else I'd rather do but this is when you can change right absolutely um yeah who knows what would you have done if you weren't if you didn't go into tv writing and producing what would you have done I mean if I had to do it again and I wasn't allowed to um into like, you know, comedy in this, I think I would definitely become a lawyer. Definitely. Really? Because a lawyer, when you're in your 20s and teens and even late 20s,

you have this narrow focus on it. A lawyer can do anything. Yeah. A lawyer, I'm not saying well, but I'm just saying you don't, you're not limited to the law. You could go into politics. You, you can join boards of charities. Like everyone wants a lawyer on board, whatever they're doing. I mean, you know, obviously a productive lawyer who's for the cause. Um, and also, um, just in general, you know, like I think, I think it would be very helpful.

I also kind of enjoy that stuff. I enjoy. No, that's the way your mind works. You're always the guy who's looking at the lawyers, look at things from different angles. And like, you've always got a take on things and you, I see you get excited about having a different take on a topic. And that's what a lawyer does. I do like, but to a fault. And that's why I

lose so much money. Like in the stock market, I love contrarian views, but, but I also love using, trying to use someone's argument against them and especially like flipping the scenario, but like too much, there's a defensive thing. And I guess that's what, in ayahuasca, that would be one of the huge things I'd want to let go of. I've gone through my life, very defensive. You know, you and I both have, what's so funny is the icon of like the Irish, like, like Notre Dame's literally called the fighting Irish. Right. Right. That's like the cheap Jews are like it's like you're just going to tag all of us as the fighting. Like, well, yeah, that seems unfair. No, my mom sent send a repair guy to my mom's apartment and he will leave having been called a cheat and a thief.

She trusts nobody who has any control over the situation that she doesn't i'm way and i get the same way i don't trust anybody to not rip me off i'm way too guarded no matter if someone brings something on me i'm immediately doing even if i've learned to do it in a in an even-toned way where they don't realize i'm doing it i'm doing though yeah but if i did that to you know like i immediately am sort of switching this thing to, to paint them in a corner. It's like, what the fuck dude, life is so much easier. If you don't, you can turn that on. If you want, the problem is I can't turn it off. Now. I remember, I won't mention the TV show, but I know you were, you were involved in a show. I think you might've been a co-creator of it.

you were involved in a show. I think you might've been a co-creator of it. And there was, uh, one of the talent on the show had a management company that wanted to produce their agency, wanted to package. And this is all a little obscure for people that don't know entertainment, but it means that they're basically leveraging their client to get a piece

of ownership. They're blackmailing. and, and so, and you stood up to them, which nobody ever does. And it really hurt your career. Yeah, no, I was not. Uh, I also, whatever. I remember, um, the burn with Jeff Ross and Anthony Jeselnik show comedy central told all of us to leave work. And, uh, hopefully this is interesting to the viewers. I'll keep it very short.

But they told us, we're like, what? They're like, get up out of your desk right now. And no, sorry, the WGA, the Writers Guild called us and goes, stop work. And it's like, what? They're like, this is your union calling. There's a work stoppage. I'm like, says who? They're like, your guild.

And I'm like, okay. And so all of us at the top, including Jeff Ross and including Anthony Jelzinek are in the writer's guild. And so we're like, okay. And then I call comedy central and they're like, um, we're uncomfortable talking to you unless our lawyers on the phone, like, Oh, this shit's real. So anyway, long story short, we had both sides telling us different stories. Finally, I asked the guild, would you mind if I called Viacom's like lawyer who's you're claiming is a liar because he's telling me a different story from what I hear. And then,

so anyway, I decided to talk to both sides and fucking both sides hated me for it. sides and fucking both sides hated me for it. Yeah. Right. The only one Jeff Ross and Jelzonek were the, and by the way, it got resolved and I hate to toot my own horn, but in some way, like I demanded these meetings, we had a giant meeting at the WGA and then which comedy central fucking basically black, you know, blacklisted me for. And then anyway, it got the shows back on. And actually, the Writers Guild caved. I've gone on too long about this. But Jezelnik and Jeff Ross were the most appreciative.

And of course, all the businessmen in the equation and my agents were incensed. And it's like, you can't fucking win. No, no. Anyway, boring shit. But that's what the irish have always done and i think it comes from centuries of being occupied and oppressed by the british and also being controlled by the catholic church which was fucking molesting us while telling us we were bad people it could there's a lot of there's a lot of distrust that comes from you know where we you know our origins yeah no anyway right, so let's get into a quick correction.

Just one. Christian Gallo says that tape looping, because we talked about the Bee Gees, and their producer had done some spooling of some tapes to do multi-track recording. And he says, tape looping, multi-tracking, and overdubbing was invented by

les paul he started playing around with this in 1943 uh released the technique in 1948 had a hit with his wife mary ford in 1951 with how high the moon this utilized looping and multi-track overdubbing yes that's that's what I had heard. And obviously that was about 40 years earlier. It utilized looping and multi-track overdubbing. You froze there for a second. Oh. So, Chris, holy crap. Let it go, dude. So we were corrected last week

and we kind of stuck to our guns a little saying, you know, we said it was the first popular song, meaning like pop. And it was the drum loop that the Bee Gees in their documentary, go see it. Anyway, Chris, in all due respect, with all due respect, actually, there's none. Uh, I would put how high the moon up against jive talking or whatever the fuck the Bee Ge song was are you kidding me and also i i haven't gone and listened to how high the moon i doubt it's the drum loop which spawned a bazillion drum loops after that including ones if i went and turned on the radio randomly now i'd probably

hear one so i think we're talking i think you're sticking your guns i can't believe that a guy who i'm sure you were similar to me in high school who fucking hated disco the whole culture everything it stood for that you'd be taking the sides of that over the guy les paul who created fucking amplified guitar music and the wah-wah pedal and like every distortion, every, you know, listen to yourself. I did not sleep in a bedroom that did not have a giant Les Paul guitar being held by Jimmy Page in my room for all of my teenage years. Yeah. So, and I love Les Paul. In fact, I didn't research any of this, but I know he holds multiple patents. He probably, maybe this is one of the things he holds a patent on.

I love all that, but I mean, really, you're splitting, I don't know, it's not even splitting hairs. No, you're splitting tapes. I like that. Listen, here's what's going to cheer you up, Mike. Okay. A boner. What? You need a boner, and here's how you're going to get it people you're going to get yourself a

little bub uh a little uh sildonafil and pedolafil these are the two boner drugs you can say it that way doesn't that just get you hard thinking about those words i have a hard-on for fucking chris letting this shit go with les Paul. How high the moon. Meanwhile, bluechew.com can get you chewable versions of these because some people don't like pills. And there's something sexy about looking a girl in the eye while you're chewing. And she's like, what are you chewing? And you're like, don't worry about it. That's what you do?

Yeah. Outside the 7-Eleven? Leaning against the wall as she's going in. The best part about getting these is that you don't have to sit there with your doctor, the guy that just had his finger up your ass, the guy that is touching your back and telling you to breathe heavy. You don't have to then ask him for a pill that helps you get a little more action going with your nether region. I'm going to get them. You got to get them.

I did. They sent them to me because, you know, they said, do you want a sample? And I said, sure. I figured I'd get an envelope with a couple. I got a gross, I got a box, a fucking shoebox size sample of blue chew. Aaron's hiding them all over the place. I'll tell you something. I took one and I fucked the shit out of her.

Wait, that does, your quarantine sounds awesome. I felt like, I felt like I had a little person grabbing my ass and pushing me back. It was insane. It was insane. And the best part is you don't have to wait in line at the pharmacy the package the package showed up to my door if my neighbor had gotten it and walked over and gone we got a package for you wink wink there was no wink wink there was nothing on the package

right discreet i like it you wouldn't do it. Here's a great deal. Visit bluechew.com. Get your first order free when you use promo code PAPERS. Just pay $5 in handling. Wow. That's B-L-U-E-CHEW.com, promo code PAPERS. Do it. You'll love it. You'll thank me. Your significant other will thank you.

Everybody's happy. That's a deal. No reason not to try it. Why not? People do so many other things to improve enhancement in their lives you know health look you work out you do all this stuff so uh anyway yeah there you'll love it also the thing we want to talk to you about this week i'm about to watch i you talked me into youtube uh tv which i did can we get them as a sponsor? I won't stop talking about them.

I know. Um, but the sponsor we do have, um, helps you helps me this week because, uh, ExpressVPN is, um, it lets you hide your identity. It helps you like I'm YouTube TV. I wanted to watch the Rams game live today on YouTube TV. Now, because I'm in Phoenix, it won't let me do that. Oh, really? Unless I change my identity through ExpressVPN. I changed my location. I'm sorry. And now I can watch it. I can stream it. If I want to see shows that are on in England on Netflix that they don't show here. I changed my location. I heard that they don't show here. I changed my location to England. I heard that when I was, no joke, this isn't part of the ad.

I remember early on when I was in sitcom land that the writer's room, there was talk about this Fleabag. I think it was Fleabag or it might've been another amazing show that I'm like, wait a minute. I tried to find it last night. Where is it?

And they had heard about this show from England and they did exactly what you're saying and tapped into it. It was almost like, bad example, but do you remember when people would bring Coors back from Colorado when we were little? Like, you can only get this in Colorado. I'm like, whoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah all right anyway and so it also i mean the main thing is is it hides your identity i mean if you don't have it it's

like your your whole internet is like an open door you will stop being tracked by you know your internet provider is giving all your information over to you know compcast verizon these big companies are selling off your info uh ISPs, they're not safe. So ExpressVPN, you get a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet. It's easy. I just click one thing and I'm on. Every time I get on the internet, you can do it on your phone, your laptop, even your router.

Everyone who shares your Wi-Fi can be protected. People should know it also covers your router. That's right. And I have it on my phone. I have it on my laptop. And it's made it, life has been better. So highly recommend this. Secure your online activity by visiting expressvpn.com slash papers today.

That's E-X-P-R-E-S-s-v-p-n.com slash papers. And you can get an extra three months free. Expressvpn.com slash papers. Not expensive, well worth it. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. Do you have a paper to crinkle? I sure do. Can you give me five minutes? I have a plastic... I got one over here. Close. There we go. We don't need silly papers.

We don't need no stinking papers. I don't have a paper here. I'm going to remember that next week. I didn't hear you. All right, I got a paper. Ah, look at that. Here we go. Front page.

Oh, that's a crisp one. That's a crisp new one. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! It's the dry, it's the arid desert you're in. A hacker took control of internet-connected chastity cages

and demanded a Bitcoin ransom before releasing their hostages. A chastity cage, if you didn't know this, Mike, and I think you do. I'm actually, this is one of the few times I'm authentically acting like I don't know what it is. It is a cage for penises, peni. Okay.

That's a popular accessory within the BDSM community. Chinese manufacturer Kui decided to make a model called the Cellmate that's locked and unlocked through the app, and it was hacked. The hack said to the victim, your cock is mine now. Of course, it was from a Chinese company so it said your cock mine tau uh thankfully the hacker seems you ever notice those message had messages you get from hackers from china you can yeah of course all of those yeah the hacker seems to have chosen the wrong time to strike victims of the cyber attack who spoke to motherboard said they weren't actually wearing their cellmate cages,

so I guess it was before 5 o'clock, when the hacker locked them and demanded the $750 crypto ransom. This, to me, this is something we need to wake up and pay attention to. This is worse than those Mexican kids locked in cages at the border. This is my penis we're talking about.

Would you trust a chastity thing that you could only lock with your phone? Yeah, I know. Oh, my God. Talk about a new emphasis on the where's my phone app. Yeah. I don't think so. What if there's a blackout anything you can't charge your phone again well first of all i don't know how it let's talk about the mechanics of this is it

is the cage go tightly around the underside of your balls so that your balls are acting as the barrier between your penis getting out of the cage? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I guess so. I guess there has to be something so you just can't shrink yourself like crazy, like put yourself in a tub of ice and then slide it off. Which also begs the question, did they fit the cage for the region that it's sold in? Because I don't know that you get an American cock into a Chinese cage.

Okay. What would you pay? By the way, $750 in Bitcoin. What would you pay? They hack your cock cage. It's on you. You get the message. How much would you be willing to pay to get this thing off of you?

I'd begin with 150 for one nut just to see if they had control, you know, like they're promising. Right. Right. Uh, and then God, then I, then I guess they have me if it does work. then I guess they have me if it does work. Um, I don't know. Uh, imagine, but if your phone does run out of bed, all of a sudden now you're running around with a cage on your crotch, like begging someone to charge your phone. I guess, I guess it's her phone would have it or his phone, whatever you're into. Um, yeah, I mean, that's something that you're, if you're, if my ex-girlfriend has access to my, to my text messages, which happens all the time and she

had access to the cage, the chastity cock cage, you think she's not using that? You know, there was that comedian's joke. Oh, I think was sam kinnison then imagine if you could remove your penis like you're what you know you're you're going hey honey i'm going out with the guys like well you won't be needing this and he let and she pops it off and he's like oh come on honey the guys are bringing there she's like no and he has that funny bit but that's what this is yeah right right uh speaking of bitcoin you had a story. Oh, my God. The Bitcoin stories are a couple of this week.

They're great. Okay. A British man who accidentally threw a hard drive loaded with his Bitcoin into the trash has offered the local authority where he lives money if they allow him to excavate a landfill site. Now, this probably sounds familiar because they actually did this storyline in Silicon Valley. That guy who is concerned about being nine zeros or whatever it was,

the very aggressive, I really should say the actor's name because he's so great in that show, but is fucking made throughout his thumb drive, which had his Bitcoin key on it. And he was at a landfill paying guys to find this thumb drive. So anyway, the real story though- Oh, no shit. Real. I wonder which came first, that or this. Well, I think this, they would steal their stories from the headlines because this guy has been

asking the city since 2013. Oh, so they stole it from this. Interesting. So he's an IT worker. Well, they like to brag that their stories are real Silicon Valley stories. Anyway, this IT worker, James Howells, got rid of the drive,

which held a digital store of 7,500 Bitcoins between June and August 2013. And then when the cryptocurrency shot up in value, he went in search of it. He discovered that he had mistakenly thrown the drive out in the trash. Howell first discovered that the hard drive was missing when his Bitcoin was worth around $9 million. He told CNN, I continue to offer 25% to the city to distribute all to all local residents.

Should I find and recover the Bitcoins? So he's gotten the town on his side because he's going to give them all money. The city said that the excavation is not possible under the licensing permit and the excavation itself would have a huge environmental impact on the surrounding area. The cost, the city goes, the cost of digging up the landfill, storing and treating the waste would run into millions of pounds because it's in England. Okay. But get this, based on the current rates, the estimate of the Bitcoin, if they find it, is now $273 million.

Dude, get a cargo plane, take it to Pakistan, go to the garbage dumps, round those fucking kids up because they're good and bring them back to England and just set them on that fucking dude you can't get a meeting in the town and and remind them what 25 of 20 273 million dollars is

yeah right how much to buy it can you buy the land that the land fills on that that's a really good point buy the land what could it cost? 10 million, 20 million. How about 100 million? Yeah. How about you pay 100 million dollars for a dump and you clear 173 million net? A third goes to whoever helps me find it and finds it, and I'll keep a third. Right, right, right. I mean, are you kidding me? That's insane. Do you know how excited I still get when I find a $10 bill in my jeans when it comes out of the laundry? Honestly. Oh, found money is just the greatest.

When I was a kid, I don't know what was with me i was such a hoarder every time i made money i would hide it in a different place in my room one of the places i hid it was i would take we had extra wallpaper for my room i had race car wallpaper and i would cut out a square of wallpaper drill drill a hole, roll up money, stick it in, and then put new wallpaper over the hole. Oh, my God. Yeah. They're just finding that now in your room. Meanwhile, it's $2 behind each one. Oh, no.

This is true. And it was recently. At some silent school auction, you know, for raising money for the school. I think about a hundred dollar gift certificate to a restaurant. I misplaced it. It's hard to calculate how much time I spent thinking about it and trying to find it. Yeah. Because it's a free hundred dollars. Yeah. And of course, I don't value my time on what it's worth, which is not much this last year, but still on most years, it's worth a lot more than $100 for two weeks. You should have seen me when I went to, I can't remember if it was Starbucks.

I had a gift card that someone had given me and I used it a couple of years later and they told me no that expired and it's like hold on a second so somebody used cash money gave it to you you took it as income gave them a card and now you're saying that's not worth money how the fuck is that legal so it was a big issue everyone was doing that because it's amazing how many people don't use them. Oh, it's like 25% of gift cards are not cashed in. Which tees up the next story. But just California then changed the law.

Nobody is allowed to let gift cards expire. Right. So the next story, though, is kind of along the there's a little bit of that in here stefan thomas i'm just gonna go with stefan maybe stefan a german-born programmer living in san francisco has two guesses this was a big headline this week he has two guesses left to figure out his bitcoin password. They give you 10 guesses. This is what he said. I would just lay in bed and think about it.

Then I would go to the computer with some new strategy and it wouldn't work. And I would get desperate again. So he has two guesses left to unlock his, wait for it, $220 million. Holy shit. So listen to this. Of the existing 18.5 million Bitcoin, around 20% appear to be in lost or otherwise stranded wallets. That's $140 billion.

Holy shit. Another guy, Gabriel Abed, had a colleague at work. Hey, buddy, I reformatted your laptop. I'm sorry, what? He reformatted his laptop, and unfortunately, that lost the private key to unlock his 800 Bitcoin, which is now worth $25 million. Imagine that. Who gets that? What happens to this $140 billion?

Does it just sit there forever, or do the guys that are already worth a trillion dollars that created Bitcoin, do they absorb that money? Or does it just sit in limbo? I don't know. I think initially, and I bet going forward, I bet you could come up with a system which everyone would agree to. Because this is one of the things of it being so decentralized and there not being any sort of authority. That was by design, obviously. So what if you were signing up for Bitcoin, right, Greg? And it was like, so here's the deal. You get 10, you get your key, really, really, really protect that and put it in a safe place. You get 10 failed guesses, and then you lose it. And if they told you, and when you do lose it, it will be evenly distributed

among everybody who has Bitcoin. I think you'd agree to that. Because all you're thinking about, all you're thinking about is the 140 billion that's going to get redistributed, because currently that's unclaimed. There was a guy uh i wish i could remember his name because i'd love to fucking say it on the air this guy uh i had a hard drive and i took all my vhs tapes of every stand-up sketch bit that i'd done in my entire life and then i had all my fucking home videos of my kids all on like uh other other tapes you know the smaller he's gonna say also his whole porn state oh you're back and uh and i had it all put onto a hard drive and then i threw the tapes out and then this guy that was helping me out, he was a producer, reformatted the hard drive

from Mac to PC and I lost everything. Wow. Everything. That stinks. I wanted to fucking kill this guy. And he was a stoner. He was a big,

and he was rich. He was from Connecticut. His father was worth like a billion dollars and he was working for me so he didn't give a shit what were you gonna say about passwords weren't you uh oh yeah so i looked this up because i was curious about passwords because i've i've looked into bitcoin and I've really, the only reason I haven't pulled the trigger yet is for this reason that it's so fucking weird. You have to, you get this long ass password, which you're supposed to commit to memory because it's got like 23 words. That's what the password is.

It's a series of words. It's not like H67, whatever. It's like words. And so you have to either have it in a hot wallet, which means you have it online, put aside, or a cold wallet, which means you offload it onto like a thumb drive where it's no longer on the internet. So in the case that Bitcoin is hacked, which there is, let's be honest, there's a decent possibility that all of Bitcoin gets hacked at some point and someone fucking takes it. So you can take it offline. But then obviously that's like you, this is, somebody's got $273 million on a thumb drive.

Can you write it down? I'm not even joking. You can write it down, but then if somebody finds it, they've got the $273 million. It's like putting $273 million in your safe at home. Sorry. If $270 million, I would have tattoos out of memento. I would tattoo all 17 or 23 words, whatever you said, but they wouldn't be in order. Only I would know the order.

And I don't know how I'd figure it out. Like maybe the body parts that were worth most to me, they'd go down in some sort of hierarchical order. I don't know what it would be, but I would, they would be tattooed on me. Yeah. I would give one word to each of my 26 best friends and they would just have to remember rabbit like i would say to you just just tell me rabbit someday yeah and then and then you go to dennis cubbins and he's like i i think it was yeah yeah or he dies and my money's gone yeah Yeah. I mean, it's fucking. So anyway, I looked up passwords and 33% of people in their password have a pet's name.

22% have their own name. 15% have down the name of their partner. Yeah. I've heard a lot of like kids birthdays. And 69. yeah i've heard a lot of like kids birthdays and 69 i wish i was trying to research 69 because i know a lot of people i did i had a 69 in my password in the past so juvenile and but it's but it's like one of the most common things to have in a password i've tried to organize my passwords like i'm like okay i'm gonna have the same password and then i'll use for everything and then you know just even just memberships to shit so like i'll have the same

exact password and then i'll just put netflix in front of it for that one and then the same one for hulu and then follow it by the password but it all always, they change it. They want it stronger. This one needs a special character. No, you don't have a capital fucking letter. It drives me crazy. Well, there are these apps that allow you, and I think it's time. It's time for me to do that. There are these apps where you can put your password in.

I think I actually have one on my computer, but I haven't filled it in. But then again, it's like, so you forget the password to that. Then what? I mean, Bitcoin must be, I mean, that's the whole thing. It must be unbelievably hard to hack because these guys haven't tried to hack it. How much does a hacker need? How about this? Just to get you started, just for coming to this coffee shop, here's a promissory note for $10 million.

That's just for having this meeting. Right. And now if you can hack into there, how does $120 million sound? Yeah. To get my $270 million. Right. I mean, it's ridiculous. All right.

So talk to me. I mean, it's ridiculous. All right. So talk to me. You bought and people just to give people a backstory. Mike Gibbons, who the stock market has had a meteoric rise for the last 10 years. For 10 years, Mike Gibbons, and we talked about him being contrarian and being Irish, has sold the stock market short for 10 fucking years. I got out of most short positions, and then I did buy a lot of,

I did that in a fit of frustration because I was losing money in 13, 14. I just can't believe the market's gone up these last 10 years. Anyway, it's a very big dead cat bounce. I will give this dead cat, man, this dead cat has legs. So I did like that Warren Buffett thing. So I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to buy things I use. So I did buy Apple, Amazon, and some others.

Oh, I bought Apple, Amazon, and Netflix. How long ago? Like five years ago. So that's been going well. But no, no, but not with a lot of it. So anyway, but I am the opposite of the Midas touch. So, and Greg knows this, I will tell him when I'm going to short. So last Wednesday, we're not going to be political, but when, let's just say the Capitol experienced an interruption, as I was watching that live, I shorted up.

And of course, just very logically, the stock market loved it. They loved what was going on in Washington, loved it. It went up. And then on Friday, I'm like, at some point, the market's going to realize that this is at the very least instability and that the world is looking at us like Venezuela, regardless of what political side you're on, it is unstable. And so I just watched this run go up, crazy run for the last half a year of Bitcoin. And I'm like, you know what? I'm just not going to avoid it anymore. So on Friday, I purchased Bitcoin and I actually believe it was my trade that triggered the reverse.

It, it, it was like, as you said, it was like catching it at the top of its bounce at the exact second. I think it dropped 30% the day after you bought it. So here's the challenge. Name listeners. What stock do you want to turn around? Just tell me and I will genuinely buy. If you want to short something, tell me what to buy. And I will tell you the day I buy it and you watch what happens. That's it.

Let's create a stock portfolio from our listeners of stocks. Well, let's just say stocks that you think. So we want them to pick things they think are going to go down or that are going to go up. Or how about this? Why don't all of us choose a portfolio with three stocks?

I'll choose three stocks. You see, I bet I'll go down more than you go up. Okay, let's do that. Next week, we're going to come to the show. Each of us are going to pick three stocks we'll log their stock prices and we'll track them and see who does better i'll tell you right now i'm going to buy oil and but i'm trying that's the thing i'm not going to choose some duds i'm not going to choose like snapchat or something like that which has gone up a lot

which is due to go down i'm going to choose things I've heard because I'm trying. When I do this, I'm trying desperately and I'm positive I'm right. I've heard from everyone oil, which has been really going up. Oil is going to go up. So I already tell you, one of them is going to be an ETF on oil. I don't know what the others are going to be. Well, the question is whether to buy Tesla because it's so far up, but people are saying that's just the beginning. Do you buy Bitcoin? It's so far up, but people are saying that's just the beginning. Do you buy Bitcoin? It's so far up, but that's just the beginning, people are saying. Who knows?

Right. So I'm going to do oil. I'm probably going to do an energy or what they call an infrastructure ETF. All right. We're boring the fuck out of people that don't have stock money. Meanwhile, half our listeners don't have two nickels to rub together. They're like, oh, good for these two fucking middle-aged white guys with all their stock money. It's not much. We're not saying how much. We're just saying that we do invest it.

Come on. This is like talking about betting. It is. It's full-out gambling. It's just like talking about betting on Tampa Bay. Well, especially Bitcoin. The original idea of Bitcoin was that it was going to be a currency that people used. And it has suddenly become a long-term investment. And so nobody's using it to buy shit, which was the purpose of it in the first place. If you're a vendor, I'm not going to take a Bitcoin from somebody because it could go down in value. And now I've just lost money on the transaction. It swings wildly. It's up 20%.

It's down 30%. That's not a currency that vendors want to take. If you were a vendor, you would love it. So it's a pyramid scheme. So you're literally betting on a pyramid scheme. It's the definition of it. Don't get me started. Wall Street, the market is a pyramid scheme.

As soon as money stops going into it, it falls apart. That's just a fact. Right. Okay. A Quebec couple were fined when they were caught walking outside of their home after an 8 p.m. curfew on Saturday. Why is this news, you may ask? Because to circumvent the curfew, the wife was walking her husband on a leash like a dog. Yes!

Dog walking is permitted after curfew. Police told the local press the couple was not cooperative. In quotes, the force said the pair's dog walking excuse failed to justify their trip outside. The husband and wife received fines totaling around one thousand dollars each. That's U.S. I actually I actually converted that from Canadian. They then got fined

another $1,000 because she didn't pick his shit up off the sidewalk. You can't play it both ways. You're like, no, you're supposed to pick up after you're dug. That's human shit. Well, what's it going to be, lady? They saw the cop and he immediately uh fucking her doggy style just to throw them off the set they also got sued because he attacked a smaller dog and tore it apart

they had to pry it out of his mouth he rolls over on his back who's who what is the dog he like does he like the chest rub she also listen that was saturday wednesday huge bust she had a dog fighting ring and all the husbands were in the ring and they broke it up. Michael Vick's there. Oh, my God. It was crazy. Yeah. Your dog loses. Your dog loses. You put him up for adoption.

Sorry, honey. It's been a good 20 years. I'm thinking about getting a rescue husband. There's a great website with all these rescue husbands. Sad music playing by What's Her Name on the piano. Alanis Morissette. No, no. it's what's her name please please adopt this sad husband um let's do some international news there you go If infecting more than 93 million people across the... Can you believe that? It's been 93 million people?

I heard it was... Wasn't it up? Isn't it way more than that? Anyway, go ahead. COVID-19 has now been found in ice cream. Huh. Three different samples tested positive for traces of the coronavirus after they were submitted for a food inspection in northeast China's Tianjin municipality.

Well done there. All goods that had been distributed from the company's warehouse were tracked, and all 1,600 employees went into quarantine. I personally, as far as eating ice cream right now, I'm avoiding the pecan pangolin and the butterscotch bat. Oh, I didn't see this story. You just put it. I would have come up with funny things. You know, this ice cream, it's creamy. Oh, it's nice and cold.

I don't taste anything. It doesn't seem to have any flavor. Is this salted Corona? It tastes delicious. Hey, can I have a bite of your ice cream? Help yourself. What kind of ice cream do you guys want? We have Italian.

We have Chinese. No, you know, I'm going to go with, I'd love the Italian, I think. I'm in the mood. That's crazy. Wow. And then we've got. By the way, you think it would be all right.

You're in China. It's like, okay, listen, you have your choice. You can go work in the iPhone factory, which has the suicide nets all around it, which are getting pretty full. Or there's, there's an ice cream factory. It's like, well, thank you very much. We'll take the ice cream factory. Okay. Good luck. Yeah. There's a camp. Are you guys into camping? There's a camp for the, um, for the, uh, uh, Uyyghurs if you want to hang out with the Uyghurs for a little while they have all kinds of activities education they'll teach you some

education about China or you can have some ice cream yeah also the weird it sounds rough but they do have like a little ice cream social so just to get to know everybody uh let's talk about let's go to britain you got it great britain uh tracy kiss the model turned fashion blogger underwent a labioplasty in part to remove a cyst the doctor said was caused by friction in the area. Turns out she saved some of the parts removed during the surgery. And turned them into a one of a kind choker. Kiss decided to make the labia heirloom as a trophy. For overcoming the pain the experience had caused her. The skin around Kiss's sex organ.

Also turned gray from the surgical fluid. So she perked things up by covering the leftover labia in glitter can i see this oh i don't know i didn't look up the picture but so wait a minute i would imagine i mean depending i don't know this woman very well but huh and i don't know how big the labia is but it's like wow tracy matching earrings and bracelets and a purse? First of all, the story— Are those shoes from the same material? The story got sexy out of the gate with the cyst that was caused by friction. Yeah, right.

So she's been busy. But then— Yeah. All right. Do you think—it says the skin around—first of all, Kiss's sex organ, all of it's great. But the skin around her sex organ also turned gray from the surgical fluid. Do you think that's the skin that's still on her body? Yeah, I guess so.

It's the leftover labia. Yeah. Yeah, it's the leftover labia. First of all, as most people know, leftover labia is better than labia. It's the leftover labia. Yeah. Yeah. It's the leftover labia. First of all, as most people know, leftover labia is better than labia. It's like Thanksgiving. It's better than the labia the first time. It does. And you look forward to it. It's like a lasagna. It's like leftover lasagna. Just you put it in the fridge. Second time you have a go at it. Delicious. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but if you wait too long, you don't want it.

It'll go bad on you. I don't know. The glitter might help. Even if it does go bad, it's kind of like this milk is super close to going bad, but I already poured the coffee. I think I have to make it work. Yeah. I just like that she's using everything.

It sounds very Native American. With the buffalo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Buffalo labia. I mean, you could fucking lasso a horse with that. That's a lot of necklaces.

Florida man. Let's do some Florida man. All right. Here's Florida man. A little twist this week. Yeah, there's the paper. man, a little twist this week. It's there. Yeah, there's the paper. It's the Florida man, a T. Oh, nice one, Mike. You should work for TMZ.

I'm no, I'm applying for sex in the city, which is nothing but fucking puns. Wall to wall sex puns. Can't wait till it's back. That piece of shit. Anyway, near Tampa, a manatee was found with the word Trump scraped into the algae on its back. At first, they fear that it was scraped into its skin. Thank God it wasn't. Wildlife officials are looking for the person who harassed this endangered animal. And rewards have been offered by others, including Dave Bautista. He's the former WWE wrestler, and he's actually great in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Did you ever see Guardians of the Galaxy? No, but now it's Guardians of the Manatees. Oh, boy. Guardians of the Galaxy is great. It's a great movie. I really liked it. Yeah. So he was a cast member of that so he's furious

he's a Tampa resident and a lot of Floridians to their credit are infuriated by this but I've been thinking about the manatee listen manatees are 1,000 pounds and they are called sea cows

and still this manatee is embarrassed to be compared to Trump. They thought it was Trump. They thought Trump had written his name in his back. I think Trump should have to get a tattoo of a manatee on his back now. I like that. That's a good quid pro quo. Yeah. I mean, the poor thing's going around. That's a good quid pro quo. Yeah. I mean, the poor thing's going around.

It's like, hey, guys, what are you doing? No one's talking. He doesn't even realize that Trump's written on his back. Where are you going, guys? I thought we'd go upstream a little. He's like Rudolph with no friends. Right. Make the Atlantic great again.

Hey, we're not getting political. Not getting political. It's just a slogan. It's just a slogan. All right, let's get to some entertainment. Totally nonpolitical. So you haven't watched Tell Me Who I Am? I forgot to watch it.

I will watch it tonight. Did you see it? Dude, you should listen to our podcast. I talked about it a lot last week. Oh, yeah, that's right. And the thing to me, there's easy things you would think I'm recommending it for, like, you know, that are juicy, sort of. like, you know, that are juicy sort of, but it really is the philosophical question, which is established in the first two minutes, which is you get to tell everybody they've lost all their memory. So you get to refill their memories. That's a giant responsibility.

Philosophers call it playing God. And so there's a lot of implications. Amplifications? Well, there's amplifications on the implications. Is that if you imply something but you do it really loud? Yes. Like, you should know this memory. Anyway, that's what got me going and why i really liked it because all right i'm gonna check it out yeah it's really fun to talk about on a podcast like we were supposed to this

week jesus all right what did you see tiger woods tiger woods documentary is so fucking good i'm it's kind of psyched i didn't see the first one because there's a second one come out tonight. Yeah, the second one's tonight. There's two 90-minute versions. And the first half, the best part is the first half focuses on Tiger as a little kid, how he started at 10 months old, how his father literally drilled golf into his head to the point where he had a girlfriend in high school that they forced him to break up with because they wanted him to golf more. His whole life was golf. Well, that worked. He then never had a desire to be with women again.

But that's the point is they lay the seeds for what's going to happen later. They don't get into his womanizing at all in the first half. They get into his dad's womanizing. Oh, really? He was a fucking monster. He was a monster. He would take Tiger Woods to tournaments on the road, and then they would play golf.

He'd take him back to the hotel room, and then the father would leave Tiger alone and go out and fuck women. Wait a minute. Okay, hold on. Isn't Tiger associated with this documentary? Is he allowing it? Oh, he's not. No, no, no, no. That's why it's so good. I shouldn't say that. There's no interviews with him in it. He hasn't created any new material for the documentary. I'm almost positive that it's unauthorized.

Imagine if he did. He actually does his own reenactments as a little tiger as his dad's going out of the hotel to fuck women. All right, bye, Dad. I guess I'll just watch the cartoons while you're gone. And I won't tell Mom.

And his ex-girlfriend, they interviewed her, and she said he would call her sobbing hysterically when his father would do it because he was like 14 years old and he loved his mother his parent he thought his parents were in love and tight and it was devastating for him so anyway part i don't want to give a spoiler let's just say the way the first half ends literally it's like a fucking anchor drops in your living room while you're watching it wow it's a really good it's a good cliffhanger that's that's how you have to do it the other thing i watched because i'm under quarantine because i was in indianapolis last weekend so i came home and i'm i'm in the back i'm in the bonus room sitting on the couch

eating edibles, and watching TV for upwards of 12 hours a day. Where's the documentary about that? That's going to drop like an anchor in your room too, or a weight or whatever it is. There's a movie called The Report that's about the Guantanamo Bay torture that went on. And it's all factual.

And it's just insane how the CIA, and there's this really book called I think it's called The Legacy of Secrecy about the CIA. Wait, I'm going to say it wrong and I'm going to get corrected. It's okay. Anyway, the CIA? Wait, I'm going to say it wrong and I'm going to get corrected. It's okay. Anyway, the CIA. I think Les Paul did it. Just go ahead. The CIA has basically been a handful of renegade cowboy type figures that just go to the head of the government and go,

that just go to the head of the government and go, yeah, we're going to hire local Cubans to put poison in Castro's cigars. We're going to give them $10 million. I met the guy in Miami at a 7-Eleven, so it should be fine. And this whole thing about how they tortured, the guys that were in charge of the torture in Guantanamo Bay were they were two psychiatrists that had no experience in interrogation they had no experience in torture and they just showed up with these ideas including not letting people sleep for like two weeks straight right which is lethal water Waterboarding, which they just figured out

how to do on their own. Shocking, like insane, the stuff that they came up with. Cranking Metallica? Yeah, they were cranking Metallica. Yeah. And then they- That would get me, I'll tell you anything you want to know. You don't even have to crank it.

In fact, if I just see you queuing up Metallica, I'll tell you whatever you want to know. You don't even have to crank it. In fact, if I just see you queuing up Metallica, I'll tell you whatever you want to know. They're morons. It's like, for me, that's Jason Isbell. Put on some Jason Isbell. You're wrong about Isbell, man. I like him. I'll give you my Bitcoin chain key on the spot.

You're crazy. I am so tired of people emailing me at the website and saying, no, no, no, you're not getting Jason. Listen to this song. And then I do. I listen to the song because I can't believe so many people I respect like Jason Isbell. I fucking hate it. It's boring country. He's smart. He's charming. I follow his Instagram. All of a sudden he'll just take his, by the way, his last Paul, he'll take it up and it's the one Dwayne Allman used and he will just play

slide and it's wildly impressive. Not going to try it again. Okie doke. Um, but my point is like these guys, uh, okie doke um but my point is like these guys uh it turns out most of the guys they were interrogating had been accused by other people that were trying to get out of charges and it was like the guy who was the chauffeur for somebody and he didn't know shit and they

tortured him for two fucking years and then they release him and he goes back to the middle east where he basically becomes like uh a recruiter because oh i'm sure he's not motivated after going through that experience right or anybody that he talks to doesn't suddenly get motivated and and they got zero information and the government covered it up and they stand cheney and those guys started trying to say well we got this information which stopped this attack. Every piece of information that they claim they got from someone they tortured, it was proven to be gotten from another source in another place. They got zero, zero from the interrogations in Guantanamo Bay. Not to hit on it, but I guess I really get upset. They could, if they showed me sex in

the city for a day, I would give them all the codes. Um, yes. By the way, I told you that sex in the city story that my wife at the time, and I think a lot of guys can relate to this. Like that was appointment viewing for women. And, uh, I couldn't stand the writing on that. I'm not denying it was a good looking show and all that stuff in terms of production. Anyway, I remember one week I'm like, I am just going to keep count. And I started to just do the, like, you know, one, two, three, four, like scratch marks. And then a cross hatch every time it got to five, two, three, four, like scratch marks, and then a crosshatch every time it got to five.

I'm just going to keep count of the puns. And eventually she just kicked me out of the room. And it was the last time I was ever allowed to be in the room. It was kind of like Grey's Anatomy. I was never allowed to be in the room when she watched it. Yeah. Hate it. It's coming back.

That's the reason I keep hitting it. You heard about the reunion? Or the reboot? Ten episodes. Yeah. Is it the same cast? Did they get the same cast back? They got everyone, but they didn't get the biggest slut among the sluts.

Kristen, what's her name? Call? What's her name? I'm not really well-versed in the casting of Sex and the City. She was in Porky's. She was the hottie in Porky's who screamed. No one's going to remember that reference. But anyway.

Kim Cattrall. Kim Cattrall. No, I can remember the Sex and the City movie that came out. And me and Mike Dugan, for Valentine's Day, agreed to take our wives because they wanted to see it so bad. And 17 minutes in, we were in the lobby for the rest of the film. We could not stay in the fucking theater. And we were not the only guys in the lobby.

It's crazy. Yeah. All right. Night Yacht, by um by the way night stalker is supposed to be good i'm going to be watching so i'm going to watch tiger woods i'm going to watch night stalker all right i'm going to watch tell me who i am tonight and then uh we'll talk about it next week and maybe i'll get to night stalker um perfect movies we we sort of put out there that there are perfect movies and we solicited your suggestion. By the way, when we keep talking about you guys writing in, it's FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com,

or just go to FitzDawg.com, and you can email us from there. And when I say email us, I get the emails, I read them, I send them to Mike, and he does nothing, and I reply to every single one of them. I had to write you back this week to say, I actually read every one, but I forget to respond to you. Never responds. Not once. I send him 50 a week. He doesn't respond to any of them. They're great, by the way. I read every single one, and that's not a joke.

All right. You guys said, Fred Mull said, Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick in Election. I will absolutely corroborate that as a perfect movie. And our buddy Matt Malloy is in it. Matt Malloy plays the assistant principal. I have to see it again. I saw it in theaters and remember loving it. It is such well written. It's what's his name? Who's the director? Not Paul Thomas Anderson, but it's written it's what's his name who's the director um not paul thomas

anderson but it's not it's a it's a great director from sideways did he do it anyway i don't remember yeah i think you're right i think it is the guy from side oh yeah kim cattrall kim cattrall wrote election um and then anthony huberty uh, grand Budapest hotel. I will absolutely back you up on that. Ralph Fiennes. I like it. It's amazing. I want to say it's noteworthy for me to say,

I like it because I have a, I'm not gonna, please don't write. We just told you to write. And I read them all. I will not read your letters telling me that, uh, some of these Paul Thomas Anderson movies are good.

I've, I've had fights with everyone in the writer's room, except me loves. What's the one that took place at the boarding school? Uh, Rushmore. I even went back because I'm like, I clear is a perfect movie. Rushmore is amazing. went back because I'm like, I clearly- Rushmore is a perfect movie.

Rushmore is amazing. Rushmore does nothing for me. Yeah. It's too adorable and nerdy. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. No, it's not. You got the two fucking Scottish boys that are bullies.

And the moonlight. I'm not denying- Bill Murray. Bill I'm not denying. Bill Murray's not cute. I guess it's that retards like you say, it's perfect when it's like maybe that's what I'm up against.

Like, granted, it has good stuff in it. I love Bill Murray. But like the Moonrise Kingdom or whatever that piece of garbage was, it's just like, it's just so caught up

in its own preciousness. Well, once you have that in your head you can't enjoy watching it's like it's like watching for puns and sex in the city you're not gonna you're not gonna get let go into the escape of her fucking blogging about her shoes if you're thinking about we're gonna have a cute conversation in a tent and it's just so in love with itself. It's doing nothing for me. Alexander Payne is the director of... It's all characters, no story. Election. And he did Sideways.

See? We just got that note in from our fine producer, who is... I don't know why he always has to say... Watch out for Wednesday? Chinese troops are amassing at the Canadian border, and they're here to make sure Trump gets reelected. Why would he write that? There's nothing to do with the podcast. This is a nonpolitical podcast. We've also told him it's nonpolitical.

All right. All right. So let's go on to sports. Sports, sports, sports sports sports as people know there's a running bet on sunday papers it started at the beginning of football season and i took the tampa bay buccaneers to beat the spread in every game this season. This past week, they played Washington. I shorted them. They gave Washington eight and a half points. Washington lost, but they only lost by eight points.

So by a half a point, you won that one. I think it went up to nine before game time, and we've agreed it's going to be the game time spread, but that is uncanny. I've used the word before. It's a perfect use of the word. So now you're only down $100 to me. It's $50 a game. This week, they made the playoffs,

so they are playing against the New Orleans Saints. Greg is frozen. The Bucs are getting... Actually, the Washington game was the playoffs. Yeah, that's right. And now for the first time all season, the Bucs are actually receiving points. I think they may have before. Maybe once before at the most. So I get three points.

We'll see what happens. So you're almost guaranteed to not lose too much because there's no way the Bucs are winning the Super Bowl. So that's a $50 loss right there. Not true. You're only down $100 now. Not true. For instance, the Bucs could win this. I mean, no, the Bucs could give points

and still lose and you would win that bet. I probably have that backwards. That's true. You're right. There's definitely possibilities where even if they lose, even in the Super Bowl, if they lose, you could win the bet. So, this week, though, I'll tell you, man, as a Jets fan,

first of all, that Washington game. Oh, Heineken? Is that Heineke? Heineke. The Washington quarterback, the kid who came in. He's a rookie, isn't he? Huh? Is he a rookie? I think, but put it this way, this was the first time he got a taste of the NFL,

definitely playoff game, and I think game. time he got a taste of the end of the nfl definitely playoff game and i think game it was unbelievable to watch offenses that work way more than they don't work like yeah it was just a duel he this kid did you see his run where he just decided on the 20 yard line i am getting this goddamn ball in the end zone and then he dove to touch the cone yeah yeah it was like watching steve young at san francisco he was my favorite quarterback back in the day i hated san francisco i couldn't take my eyes off him he could run he could throw yeah it was steve young people people don't remember steve young he holds a lot of records he had one of the highest he had one of the highest qb ratings in

in history sat on the bench for multiple seasons watching joe montana he gets in and then he becomes a hall of famer yeah anyway um this will be like i mean talk about you know these two quarterbacks holy hell but i love having the Saints, and I only have to give three points at this point. Love it. Yep. Love it. Yep. The back, he was, Heidecker was the backup quarterback in the XFL.

Wow. That's a couple of backups. That's at least two levels of backup. Big news in basketball. James Harden is now going to talk about james harden now people don't come here for sports they come here for the misinformation all right then let's get to some science We were going to skip robots, right? Yeah.

We could tell people to go find them, the dancing robots. Yeah, there's a really cool video. Just Google dancing robots and what else? From robotics. Put in humanoid atlas. I also saw a video this week of, I don't know, I don't know if it was real, but it was a robot that looked like a human, like in terms of the skeleton and it had a gun and it was doing target practice.

And while it did target practice, these guys were beating the shit out of it with two by fours. And it was like ding ding like yeah as it's falling ding like everyone and then as it's shooting they would run between the robot and the target no shot because it had been programmed not to do that and then they as soon as they as soon as they stepped out of frame ding ding like hitting this little metal metal target it was the most frightening of course though like well what is it gonna miss ai doesn't miss did it stop for black uh robots that were running in front of it not programmed that yet but um yeah but all it says is why don't why didn't you comply? And the robot doesn't understand it's talking to a dead black person. But it just keeps saying, why didn't you comply? Why didn't you comply?

Oh, my God. I just read a story about there's a kid who is mentally challenged, who was just fucking handcuffed and sat on by cops and died it just came out a black kid a black guy no because they're it this is not the first one it was mentally challenged oh yeah yeah i know it happens all the time but i don't know what i don't know what race this this guy was but uh the parents were standing there watching the kid was in in a parking lot. I think he was like 18 or something. And he had an episode and he started slapping his father. And I guess he was out of control. So they called the police. So the police kindly showed up, handcuffed him and killed him.

I was in downtown Santa Monica, which is pretty empty these days. And as I was waiting across the street to get to my car, two cop cars, hear a woman screaming like crazy. And it was daytime. And all of a sudden, like two cars pull up out, tasers drawn because I thought there were guns and insane. And I am using that word accurately. Sorry, a mentally ill person yelling insane things. Is that even proper? But screaming and kind of out of control. But thank God he knew enough to get down on his stomach.

An older, he was middle-aged white guy, got on his stomach and did put his hands, you know, behind his head, but was not tased. But it's like, this is what a lot of people are talking about. We're not going to get political, but about defunding, it's really repurposing. They need a mental health expert on this case. In other words, the mental health expert, if they were fully employed, would probably know this man's name. You know what I mean? Know what meds he's not taking at that time. It was just the saddest thing to see all around.

The women were crying hysterically. Clearly, he had violated them in some way. And I felt sorry for the police, the man on the ground, the victims, the woman. All three were victims. Because the bottom line is this guy should be in a fucking hospital being cared for by our governments. The taxes that we pay in California are through the fucking roof. We pay like 12 percent in state taxes and they can't manage to get people that are yelling at themselves, that are hurting themselves on the street into a, into an environment that's safe, that cares for them.

Who are we as a society? Anyway, this next story is about, Oh, this is about dementia. Why don't you read this one, Mike? Oh, I forgot about this one. All right. Apathy can signal the onset of dementia years before other symptoms appear. I'm not even joking when I say, and of course it would be an okay joke. I'm wondering if I did this story another week. Anyway, the frontotemporal dementia is one of the leading causes of dementia in younger patients.

Doctors typically diagnose the condition in patients between 45 and 65 years old. This form of cognitive decline can also affect language and personality. Patients can begin to act more impulsively and engage in inappropriate or compulsive behavior. One of the common threads in frontotemporal dementia cases is patients becoming apathetic, losing interest in things they normally do. Researchers say, can you imagine me as I'm reading this with a pencil in hand, just ticking every single box? Researchers say this isn't depression, even though physicians may mistake it for another condition.

Holy crap. I'm like, I've got it over here. What makes you think you have it? Which ones in particular? They have enlisted one I don't have. What are you talking about? Cognitive decline. I'm praying it's the Accutane I'm taking, which they've told me. I Googled it. They didn't tell me. I Googled it. I have to go on a follow up visit every month. I know people are suffering from COVID out there. I know listeners. I know listeners have lost loved ones. Just let me talk about my Accutane, please.

As if this is, that's not happening. So I do follow up visits where they check the blood work and everything it's doing to my body. And, um, and then I bring up on the second one, like, Hey, by the way, I just love that you're taking acne medication and boner pills at the same time. Yeah, no, it's all coming together, as you like to say. So I don't know. I don't have to still talk about it, but I have, it's called brain fog is what they call

it. I am experiencing it. And it's constantly, like I'm talking to myself a lot more about things like, why did I go into this room? So I say what I'm going into the bathroom to get. I'm not even kidding you. That's life alone here when the girls aren't here. I'm foggy.

I feel apathetic, but I just think it's aging. I just think that, you know, look, I'm 54. What are you, 53? And, you know, we're getting to the point where we are supposed to fade into the sunset. I don't feel like that, but my senses are not like my spirit wants to go on, but my brain is like, it's, it's, it's like when I used to play hockey, um, I was a decent hockey player when I was young. And then I started playing adult leagues a few years ago and the puck would be

on my left. I saw two defenders over here. And in my mind, I went to the puck and I would use the back of my stick to deke between these two guys and skate towards the net. In reality, I took two steps and then had to skate forward because I was out of breath. And the execution is lacking.

I know this is an old joke, but this week I was watching something and I'm on the couch and I'm just leaning back, complete apathetic picture and commercials came on. And then I realized what I was watching, I had recorded and I'm like, oh yeah, I don't have to watch these three minutes of commercials. And then I looked and the remote was on the other side of the coffee table. And I just sat and watched the commercials. I wish that weren't true. All right. Should we do business or should we skip business? Let's skip it. Oh, no. You liked it. I thought you liked this one. Oh, I did like this. Okay. Ready? Yeah. All right. Let's do some business. Business. This was actually even made it to the New York Times headline. the headline is jobless.

By the way, do you want to do you want to consider trimming some of your stories down a little bit from five paragraphs? Well. OK, that takes that the brain fog is that the brain fog setting in. You don't have to pay the entire New York Times article. The entire New York Times article. If I'm not going to sit up on my couch, which I consider a crunch, and reach over for a remote control to fast forward through commercials, which are making me nauseous, I doubt I'm going to cut down these five paragraphs. The New York Times headline was jobless selling nudes online and still struggling. You would think this would be a, oh my God, they found a new revenue stream being creative and slutty in this new economy, but no. I think if they were creating a stream, they'd make a little bit more.

So I'll try to move this along. The New York Times, Sarah Benavidez, I can't believe they gave her a whole, and they saw her picture. She stopped working at her job as a medical biller in June to take care of her two-year-old son after his daycare shut down. Needing a way to pay her bills,

she created an account on OnlyFans, a social media platform where users sell original content to monthly subscribers. We should do that with this podcast. Put this on OnlyFans, and start posting photos of herself nude or in lingerie she has made sixty four thousand dollars since july enough i love that the two-year-old is wandering around the apartment he she he walks in the bedroom mommy can i have a banana too

i want how come my banana is not electric? Anyway, she made enough in July to take care of her bills and help family and friends with rent and car payments. And she said, it's more money than I have ever made in any job. I have more money than I know what to do with. Okay. Next story. Next paragraph was about Lexi Eichsenberger. She was hoping for a similar windfall when she started her OnlyFans account in November. She was a restaurant worker in

Billings, Montana. She's 23. She was laid off three times during the pandemic and was so in need of cash by October. She had a dropout of dental hygiene school after, and she was donating plasma and doing odd jobs. Nothing added up. So she had the suggestion of friends. She turned to only fans, but since November, she has only made $500 so far. Now I'm guessing Lexi eats a lot more than bananas.

I don't know how to gently put this, but they have pictures of Lexi, and they also have pictures of Savannah. And my empirical research, I think I found out why Lexi's making less money. Yeah, yeah. That's all I'll say. I don't think I could say much more than that.

But the next one was about Ellie Morocco of West Palm Beach, Florida. She was laid off from her job as an office manager in July. Her unemployment checks don't cover her $1,600 monthly rent and utility bills, not to mention the food costs. So she joined OnlyFans in November. not to mention the food costs. So she joined OnlyFans in November. But Miss Morocco, 36, has made just $250 on the platform so far. They had her picture also.

So do they not understand what generates the income um well not only did she only make 250 she has effectively made herself unemployable because everybody in florida every boss in florida is on whatever this fucking site is only fans only fans she's gonna walk in and they're gonna be like oh yeah we've already seen your resume well it's like only fans she's gonna walk in and they're gonna be like oh yeah we've already seen your resume well it's like only fans should have a thing like uh great all good we got your info okay upload your pictures and it's like just want to ask you once again do you understand what our website is about yeah right right and i Yeah, right, right. And I know this sounds so cruel, and these are horribly, horribly awful times that it's come to this. But stay in your lane. Stay in your lane, ladies.

Listen, we've created a podcast, but we don't think we're going to get Carolla money. God, name a much smaller podcast than Carolla or Rogan. My Favorite Murder. Oh, my God. My Favorite Murder. That's the major leagues. Are you kidding me? How about Pete Holmes?

You made it weird. We're not getting no weird money. How about a podcast that just talks about, like, dodge darts and restoring them? We don't even think we're going to get that money. We know our lane, as you said. Yeah, that's right. That's right. Oh, my God.

So I thought that was really interesting, but, boy, also sad. Sad and funny. That's our wheelhouse. Very sad. You want to do an Ask Amy? We haven't done one in so long. I don't know. It's a little political.

How about we do the letter about Ask Amy? Okay. Dear Mike and Greg, every time Mike says Ask Amy, I hear Ask Game Me. Is this a reflection of the way he speaks or just me being a pervert? No, I get it. Ask Amy. Ask Amy. It really does sound like

ask game me. That sounds like the opposite of a safe word. Ask game me. All right. I will look for ask game me's and see what I come up with. By the way, there are a lot of ass games. I know that because now young people, apparently it's all about the ass. Totally. I cannot remember being in college and really discussing having anal sex.

Not that I never did, but it wasn't something like you went back to the apartment and bragged about with people. And now it's like everything it's fifth base. There's a thing. Oh no. Even I guess one, I am going to put it one step below it is everyone's eating ass. Everyone ate the ass. Everyone's eating the ass. You don't have to put it one step below it is everyone's eating ass. Everyone. They eat the ass. Everyone's eating the ass. You don't have to put the in front of it.

I think it's much hipper if you just say eating ass. Yeah. Or this, maybe this. The black guys, black guys are saying they don't black guys say they don't fuck with the ass. Um, I don't,

I think that's over now. I think it's just too much. And I think a lot of the hip hop ladies are telling them to get over that shit. They're telling them to get on that ass. But you're saying eating the ass. It's like, don't write that on Facebook. You'll sound really old. Mike Z said, by the way, quote, by the way, could be the new drinking game phrase.

I'm 28 minutes into Sunday Papers. And by the way, has been uttered more times than the entire previous podcast. Mike has said it twice in the same sentence. But you come in third to Bert, Bert Kreisler, who blurts out every sentence when he has a guest. Yeah. And the big winner is Jay Oakerson, who not only repeats it multiple times in the same sentence when another person tries to speak, but elevates the volume of the phrase to drown out their attempts to speak. Wow, this guy's got a lot of fucking criticism for the podcast that he listens to. By the way, Michael Smith.

Maybe, Michael, you should listen to audiobooks. I hate when people do that, though, because there's one I definitely struggle with, which is literally. So I'm trying to go on a literally diet, and now I'm going to add by the way to my diet. That's the only reason, because I don't listen back to the podcast. I've never listened to my podcast. But when I do, I notice myself saying um a lot. I don't listen back to the podcast i've never listened to my podcast but when i do who could listen i noticed myself saying um a lot i don't mind um i don't know i think it can be cut out and make it a much cleaner more effective way of speaking have you ever drawn attention

to your daughter especially a southern california daughter who's about the word like. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. Oh, my God. She used to say it twice in a sentence all the time. I've heard more than twice in my house with my girls. Yeah. Yeah. But if you bring it up, it's kind of like literally with me.

It handcuffs me a little. Yeah. Then this one comes from Shad shatty wicks who says heard you and mike talking about youtube tv i agree it's awesome you can have five people in your family all do it so you when your son goes back to college he can watch it as well all right i know we've plugged it so much i know we really have but i'm uh But I got it, and I fucking like it. If you go into your library, and if you put in NFL, it records every NFL game. And you have unlimited space in the cloud.

So you can save them for weeks. We should try to get a taste. If anyone signs up, God, is there any way? Just tell them we sent you. I know. I know. We should try to get a taste. If anyone signs up, God, is there any way? Just tell them we sent you. I know. I know. We should do that. Let's get a little bit sad for a second. It's time for obituaries. Okay. And that's all, folks. some people are they're like little gifts from god they give us news items that are just such perfect little premises uh the guy who created sweet and low 89 years old uh he jumped out he

jumped out his window this morning at 89 you're fucking almost at the finish line i can't go on good pops don't worry about it right right that's like getting divorced at 89 you fucking made it just ride it out listen i don't want to make clearly greg and i are well versed in depression so we're not making fun of that and we also know what a really vicious sugar buzz is or an artificial sweetener buzz. So we don't want to make fun of this poor guy. But he jumped to his death and he, yeah, he made sweet and low. He made sugar in the raw. Did he really?

Yeah, he was a sweet guy. And it took him a while to actually hit the ground because he was he was a sweet guy and uh it took him it took him a while to actually hit the ground because he was so thin from the sweet and low he immediately exploded into powder on the sidewalk now an old lady was walking by and saw him and stuffed him into her purse. The fire department showed up and immediately ran out with a giant cup of coffee and were going back and forth, seeing where the body was falling,

trying to catch him right into the mug. I'll tell you, this guy's got a lot of lab rats to answer to when he gets to the other side. They're all waiting for him, fidgeting like crazy. They've all got lumps on their head, lumps on their tits. Totally. He's here, guys. He's here.

You had mentioned that Mark Norman joke that came out. He tweeted about it maybe this week? After death, we're all equal. That's a good one. Mark Norman, who played at the club I'm at right now. Last week, Mark Norman was here at the

Tempe Improv. Nice. Also this week, by the way, regarding obituaries. Honorable mentions. Yeah, go ahead. You do it. Well, by the way, regarding honorable mentions. Yeah, go ahead. You do it. Well, Siegfried, our beloved Siegfried, Roy, Roy pre-deceased him. He had a little, had a little help by a wild cat. Right.

Big cat. And that's the thing is that's where you want to go. Cause in 50 years, when you think back to Siegfried and Roy, Roy's going to be the one you talk about. That's the way you want to go out. Yeah to Siegfried and Roy. Roy's going to be the one you talk about. That's the way you want to go out. Yeah. Siegfried faded. Well, Roy kind of did too. He held on a long time.

And then sadly, our show always gets sad when we lose a Joanne. But Joanne Rogers, the wife of Mr. Rogers died. And she actually got kind of famous these last few years because of that documentary. And she was a classical pianist and she was very cool. She came across really cool in that documentary. Do you think, what do you think Mr. Rogers was like in the sack? Do you think that she was fulfilled by him?

I kind of don't want to go there. Also the New York Dolls guitarist sylvain i'd rather think about sigfried and roy in the sack sigfried kind of looked like joanne rogers yes i bet he could yes i bet he could tinkle on the uh on the piano also that's right uh new york dolls yeah the, the guitarist. Sylvain Sylvain. Is that how it's pronounced? But the New York Dolls don't get nearly enough credit as they should. Yeah, they created. Would you say they created what genre of music? Listen, fucking Chris or whatever his name is, is going to absolutely scorch me on this with corrections for three weeks.

But I would say. OK, I'm going to phrase this the safest way possible. The New York Dolls had an immeasurable influence on punk and glam. And new wave. And new wave. Yeah. Yeah. Now, they were a very influential band.

I do know before the Sex Pistols existed, the Sex Pistols were like, put it this way. I know that the New York Dolls fucked the thinking up in England and gave birth directly and indirectly to the Sex Pistols. And it's a chain. and even in bands before that, and the Ramones here and of course the Clash. And then of course it's a ball that gets rolling. And of course it gets muddied and you know, which was first, but the New York Dolls are usually credited

as one of the first by most critics. Yeah. Was David Johansson in the New York Dolls? Of course. He's the only by most critics. Yeah. Um, was David Johansson in the New York dolls? Of course. He's the only surviving member now. Right. Um,

all right. It's time to cheer up after we do obituaries. And Betty white. Sorry. Betty white turned 99 this week. Not in the obituaries, but obituary adjacent, I would say. So you're teasing Betty White.

Yes. Deep tease. Hopefully years more. Go ahead. Time for the funnies. Time to chuckle a little bit to end out the week. All right. Andy Kapp is in the bar and first frame is another bloke who's sitting there and he blows a kiss to flow andy's wife andy took flow to the bar but of course andy is at one end of

the bar flows at the other she's got on a house coat a fucking kerchief she looks like shit but this guy's such a drunk he walks over and and goes, evening, darling. And then he goes, oh, what's the matter? You're chatting? Oh, oi. Oh, so Andy says, he's got his arm around Flo, and he's giving her a kiss. And Andy goes, hey, that's my missus you're chatting up. And he walks over towards him, and he's rolling up his sleeves. And then the guy looks at Andy.

He goes, sorry, fella. Can I buy you a drink and make it up? Andy then puts his arm around the guy and says, of course, lad, we all make mistakes. And Flo looks at the camera like, this guy could give a fuck about me. Flo at the fourth wall break looking right at us. Right at us. This is what I thought on frame four or whatever, five. He's like, hey, mate, that's my message you're chatting up.

And he walks over rolling up his sleeve. Next frame, Andy punches out Flo. And drinks with that guy. Yeah, because she was asking for it. Look what she's wearing. But by the way, that's my view actually. I mean, first of all, of course, she has to be

enjoying it. But they always have that Texas thing, that fucking macho bullshit that like, whether it's true or not, the big rumor is like, if you come home and catch another man in bed with your wife, you can legally shoot him. How about shooting your wife?

I'm not even lying to you. I would first, this is what I would do. I would shoot my wife and then claim in retarded Texas, yes, I'm using that word, that I was aiming at the guy. Well, if he's on top of her, you shoot them what both with one bullet and say i thought an intruder was uh raping my wife i like that all right i'm gonna go with that i'm all right i'm not as angry about that as i am about sex in the city god speaking of rape hager the horrible first frame uh hager and his boys have their swords drawn they're outside of a uh uh castle

hager says on the count of three we bust in and then his dopey uh sidekick says no wait and you can hear ha ha ha coming from inside and now Hager and his guys are now looking in the window laughing while the court jester is making the king laugh. And the sidekick says the court jester's monologue is hilarious. And I was just thinking about, this is so funny, because that literally was a job. There was a court jester. The thing that we do in modern times, that's what we would have been doing in the 1400s.

We would have on a silly hat and we would be responsible for making the king and everybody else laugh. And the king would call for the jester when he was in the foulest of moods. He was a bad crowd every time no but that that was the job it was like you know it was like smoking pot or whatever it is i did taking drugs i get that fucking guy in here because i am rip shit and then the idea i guess was if if he didn't idea i guess was if if he didn't make the king laugh he was killed in many cases yes that's right yeah oh my god and and the guy you got to think the guy that chooses to do that because it's also it's pretty lowbrow comedy from what i've seen of court jesters on a and e's evening at the improv they do a lot of hitting themselves, falling down.

It's bad, self-deprecating physical humor. So to pick that job, you really have to be the black sheep of the family. Yeah, that is crazy. Getting back to the thing, I love how they're ready to violently break down a door when there's a giant open window right next to it. I hope the jester pointed out that little nugget.

Let's do a little family circus. Okay. So last week, you talk about me getting paranoid about my dementia and brain fog. You talk about me getting paranoid about my dementia and brain fog. I think it was an all-time low for me that I genuinely didn't understand. And not because it was their fault, the family circus. It was over your head. I've been reeling all week.

Yeah, I'm sure. So now I'm hesitant to call this a piece of shit or not, but it looks like it's back to a piece of shit for me. It's a picture of the mom. She's in a room, and the pictures on the walls are all askew and crooked, and there's a lamp, and the lamp shade's all sort of bent, and the little kid, the little fucker's holding a bat. Billy, his name is Billy. That little fucker's holding a basketball

and looking up at the mom and the mom's pointing at him. And the mom says to him, you're not to dribble that indoors anymore. So here's my problem. anymore so here's my problem last week i didn't get family circus nope and it was on me yeah this week i don't get family circus and i'm wondering if it's back on them? I think it might be. I think Jeff Keen, in this particular one, really just said, let's see if they notice

that I just didn't try at all. Let's run this past the 20 million people that are buying newspapers that I get paid by. I mean, so I'm going to run it by you, Greg. So,

the mom hears dribbling and here's a, here's a racket. She comes in. Sure enough, she was right. She heard dribbling and she heard a racket and the place is a mess. So she tells her son, you can't dribble that inside anymore. And I fucking go play golf if that's what I've written. Yeah. And I have two, three, four weekend homes. I mean, you really say I'm not one of these guys that wants to deconstruct comedy. I hate people that try to give you the nuts and bolts. I don't want to know how the sausage is made. And I make the sausage.

Here's the good news. We're not deconstructing comedy. No. But if you were, you would say that comedy involves a premise and then there's a turn. And thus, there's a laugh because it's unexpected. I'm not sure what Jeff Keen defined as the turn in this joke. Not sure what Jeff Keen defined as the turn in this joke.

I mean, could a little effort have been made on like, if you keep dribbling inside, do you think any of them could knock things in the right position? Like, I don't know. Something? Anything. Don't punch up, Mike. That's not good. Don't punch up family circus. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Go yeah oh jesus go play some golf go play some golf fucking meanwhile i'll take this stupid shit over sex in the city any day go ahead speaking of sex uh in blondie dagwood again in the fucking donut pajamas can you change it up a little bit and what a juvenile fucking thing

to to have you know you're a grown man show some respect for your wife and get some get some silk pajamas something decent so they're laying in bed and and dagwood is sitting up and blondie is faced away from him her golden locks are strewn about the pillow like spaghetti that you want to just dig into. Oh, jeez. She says, the problem is, dot, dot, dot, you never ask me how I'm feeling. Dagwood in the second frame says, how are you feeling? And the third frame, Blondie says, well, if you have to ask, then we really have a problem. Thank you, Blondie. Finally, an admission. This could be a turning point in the relationship. Blondie literally said, we have a problem. Dagwood breaks the fourth wall and looks at the camera like, holy shit, my life is a lie. Holy shit, she has discovered that she is a 10 and I'm a 6.

Five. He's a five. And he is realizing that he has not physically inferior, mentally inferior, and now she's saying socially inferior, emotionally inferior. And this whole world, I'm hoping next week we start to see this thing fall apart how psyched would you be if she left him got her footing went on dating apps and then started getting it yeah you would love Now, would the dating app only involve other comic characters? Would, like, Bluto from Popeye show up and just hammer her?

I think you'd like to see Hager storm the castle. No. That's a euphemism. I don't want her getting raped. I want... It's not rape if she's into it. By the way, the other way of saying that is consensual i'd like to see andy cap give it to her because then i know that it would just be physical that she would blondie would know i can't form a relationship with this

guy he's married he's an alcoholic but he's got a certain something. Oh, physical sex? I thought you meant physical beatings. Stop it. What? Oh, I'm the weirdo calling handicap abusive. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true. It is called blondie. It is called blondie.

We don't need Dagwood. What about if Mr. Lockhorn, Leroy Lockhorn, comes over? He couldn't handle that. He couldn't handle that shit. He would ogle it. He would ogle it, but he couldn't handle that he couldn't handle that shit he would ogle it he would ogle it but he couldn't close yeah maybe i need to maybe i need one of our listeners to animate me and put and put me into the fucking uh into an animated dating app in cases now again this is all predicated on the the this on this strip continuing to go downhill

and this marriage being shown for what it is, which is a sham. We'll see. We'll see you on next week's Sunday Papers. Stay tuned. It's been a blast. Thank you to Midcoast Media, everybody over there that does a great job, week in and week out, Beth Hoops, Chris Denman and key. And,

uh, we'll catch you guys now, by the way, I have some tour dates. I have to mention that I canceled. So Kansas city is being pushed until may. Uh, Portland is being pushed till September,

but I will be back at a Raleigh at good nights on March 25th through the 27th. And then in April, I will be at the Raleigh at Good Nights on March 25th through the 27th. And then in April, I will be at the San Francisco Punchline. I can't believe you're in Arizona. I know. And Chris has some tour dates. Chris has tour dates. He's going to be the inauguration this week.

And then he's going to, then I think he's hitting every Democratic city very soon after, I think. And then I think jail. He's doing a couple weeks in jail after that. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see which side comes out on top. Don't forget also, Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Tuesdays, and you can book a cameo. If you want me to leave you a message, go to the cameo app and hook it up.

Mike, anything to plug? I think I'm just going to plug your Cameo. I didn't know that. Yep, yep. I like it. It's a lot of fun. All right, that'll do it. We'll catch you guys next week.

Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Thank you. makes that paper crinkle sound. Joanne keeps writing that she's hot for them, but I think it's coming from Kristen Wynne. Give me a fitzy on a Sunday morning. Give me a fitzy on a Sunday morning.

Dagwood and Blond he's catching on Give me a fix And I'm a someday More than