Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 47 1/24/21

Episode Date: January 24, 2021

While other news sources focus on the Inauguration, Sunday Papers takes a hard look at UGGS for dogs, a happy ending for a wife in Turks and Caicos and Lil Wayne’s pardon from Trump.

Sunday Papers Big Week Inauguration Inauguration Sunday papers, big week, inauguration, inauguration. Don't start it like that. That just exhausted me. Listen, we got to be very wary of my co-host, Mike Gibbons, who has lost his voice from sucking dick always. Is that how you did it? It's, no, not that I recall, but that is something that I would repress probably.

Not that it's a bad thing. It's just not my way. It also gives you a coating. There's a coating. The thing is you're not swallowing. You're spitting. You need to swallow. And then the rawness.

This is the start. This is the start of our podcast. We want to thank, we have maybe the best logo yet this week. People are going to already be sick of it at this point. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I love it. Rob Dukes, my buddy, Rob Dukes out in Phoenix. So I just hung out with when I'm when I did my shows there last weekend. His girlfriend, Melody, who's a graphic designer, made it for us. So we thank her. She's a sexy hot bitch.

Oh, and and I just I met two new friends. I've known him through the Internet for about a year and he wrote remember our song sunday fucking the metal song that's him easily one of the most popular yeah he's in a he's in a huge metal band i can't remember the name of them i'm such an asshole i think we talked about it last week too all right good yeah so this is girlfriend also the song this week is gordon featherwax studios came yeah i i didn't hear the lyrics at first so i thought well that's creative people could just find instrumentals and say i made a song for your podcast you really have to you have to squint to hear him say Sunday. He does kind of a Lou Rawls thing, but he forgot to turn the volume up.

I do like the riff, though. Yeah, it's a groovy kind of blaxploitation riff. Yeah. Oh, all right. So my daughter had all four wisdom teeth pulled out a couple days ago. Got the picture. Sent it to my daughter. My daughter showed me.

Yeah. And she was so excited to get drugged you know and go under and uh and of course you don't remember it you don't really remember it she came out and i talked to her on i called her as soon as she got out i talked to her and she was uh she was a little goofy but she came out and uh one of the nurses is spanish and you know she's fluent in spanish and she talked for her first five minutes she talked only in spanish oh my god yeah that's hysterical yeah and then she started uh talking about how this feels like i just smoked a joint and erin's standing there going like shut up right maybe it does sound like Spanish, if she's doing that, Cthulian, or whatever the phrase is when they all lisp in Eastern Spain. Yeah.

My teeth. My wet teeth. Yeah, I think these kids raised on, and I do apologize for my voice. I'm going to try to, and I might be clicking with a lozenge in my mouth. But yeah, I have this head cold, by the way. How do you catch anything when everybody is wearing a mask? I don't know. My girls think these are signs of COVID, but I really have been locked down.

I've been very stressed. I had a script due yesterday. How'd that go? It's due Monday now, but they don't know it. That's how well it went. I it's due Monday now, but they don't know it. Do you think if you had to hand in a video of you masturbating, you'd actually write a script to kill time? That's an interesting flip. I told you when we were warming up here, uh,

talking and me losing my voice, that was a good idea. I have a mini podcast before the podcast that I read this article and it said, uh, try this self help and-help and emotional intelligence trick. When you're beating yourself, that voice in your head, replace the word you with I. So when it's like, how am I going to do this? Why am I such a disaster? Replace it with you. Like, how are you going to do do this and it gets you some um cognitive

um distance yeah from the problem yes i like that but i already do that because i'm always like you are such a piece of fucking shit look at you look at you you fucking you said you were gonna wake up early you said you were gonna get the script in on friday you fucking you're worthless yeah you're a fraud i never say i'm a fraud it's like you're a fraud yeah it's i think that's even worse because it's objective the other way you can go oh i'm being hard on myself and that way you're like no i'm trying to be a stranger observing me well i remember once i don't know where i heard it but i went and looked at journals, like when I used to do that stuff in my twenties and thirties. And it was very interesting what voice I would choose to do. Like, all right, you gotta, you know, you gotta start, you know,

and I think a lot of people write in their journals, like you gotta start waking up early, you gotta exercise, you gotta like, you know, and it's you you you but then of course there's always the what am i doing that pops up at every journal right right um yeah i just read a thing this morning that says if you want to do something journaling is huge even if it's like you've got a calendar and you make an x every day that you ran or worked out if that was your resolution because then you start really if you're not going to do it you think about that x and it can actually motivate you a year ago at christmas i think i bought when i was christmas shopping i saw it of course i think i bought it for myself i think it was called like the five minute journal and it's the you know the journal

paid it's a book and it's it's like structured which was great i could use that and you're supposed to do it every morning have not taken the plastic off it wow yeah so anyway getting back to the teeth uh these kids who have grown up on tiktok and um and instagram like my daughter was like oh i so want to get my wisdom teeth out it's i mean it's so much i'm looking at her she's like it's so much fun like yeah right right you get all like i'm like i go those people are very heavily drugged uh for a reason yeah it is painful yeah so yeah and i also like the idea of eating pudding and you know rice pudding and whatever but i think the novelty wears off pretty fast she's fine though she's not in too

much pain good they also gave her a two-day shot now the novocaine actually lasts for two days so that ends today all right speaking of how long drugs last uh is the whole country under the impression that like i learned this morning the vaccine might last a year oh no shit really and when i read it i'm oh, that's probably a theory. And the article was about Moderna. And they're like, yeah, Pfizer stats seem to think that too. It could last almost a year. And I'm just like, oh. I go, has the country fully processed that?

So in other words, we all need to get two more shots a year from now? No, no, no. Every year after. Wow. I think, and then when you compare it to the flu shot, then it makes total sense. The flu shot doesn't last more. But I think I was under the impression you got another flu shot,

not because it wore off, which I think is the fact, but because they changed the flu shot because of the new strains that they see coming. Right. We're going to get corrections on this. Cause I don't know what I'm talking about, but anyway, it seems to be very common knowledge among people who like dabble in the truth that this vaccine lasts a year ish. Damn. Yeah.

But if you got COVID, do you need to also get the vaccine? I've heard people who have, yes. Now, should they be in the top of the line? I don't know. And I don't know how long the natural antibodies last. You would think it lasts longer because you really got it.

So my ex who got it in June, she tested negative for antibodies. So that's disturbing because at least my mind, and I'm not saying anything here, but my mind would go to, did I have like a really bad flu? Like, you know flu like you know and you know i would even she tested positive for corona so i mean you know it looks very very likely she had it obviously but yeah because a month after i got chlamydia i i stopped wearing

a condom again because i just assumed you're immune i you can stop right away as soon as you're like my p hurts you don't have to wear protection anymore right right because you're immune i you can stop right away as soon as you're like my p hurts you don't have to wear protection anymore right right because you're immune and i don't think you can pass it on no i don't think so um i as long as you pull out or just do anal this is the dirtiest sunday papers we've ever done mike but i'm thinking you're you're getting a lot of that credit good for you you you mentioned corrections We had a few last week. No. On last week's pod, you seemed to suggest that Roy

from Siegfried and Roy died by tiger mauling. While indeed, he was famously mauled by a tiger in 2003, leading to lasting injuries, he actually died from complications due to COVID-19 in May of 2020. Thanks, Brian G, who wrote that. I was trying to give him a little cover there. No I totally forgot and it was recent. Yeah May. I know Roy lived for a long time and then Roy with all this physical therapy. And then Roy, with all this physical therapy, you know, they did an animated series after the attack.

Oh, really? Yeah, based on Siegfried and Roy. I forget the name of it. And he was walking and he, like, appeared at an event and all that. But, like, what a funny concept. Like, you have these two guys who are in a cage with the big cats. And it's like, what do you think is going to get this guy? It's almost like the uh crocodile hunter you know who would have guessed stingray it's like yeah wait what do you

think what what are the odds a big cat is gonna end this guy's life okay how many how much money was on bat how much money is right that right right that's giving the new vegas show is like a couple of gay guys like hurting bats no that's the headline is that is that roy didn't die of a of a tiger or aids yeah oh boy no i mean that doesn't sound that controversial i think these guys were they they seem pretty flamboyant and i think they're so i heard they were swingers. They were part, the rumors are, or the undone doc, whatever it is. I guess, I think they admitted that they were a couple for a while along, along the way there. Yeah. Right. I went and saw them because we had them,

we did something with them at one point. And so I got free tickets and stuff and I made a real point. It was a very, you know, a kitschy, ironic thing to do as a hipster as i was at that time and uh but you know you go in and you see them and this day i you think they'd be shut down now because of the more awareness oh absolutely absolutely i mean there's no more whales at seaworld they got rid of them and this racetrack thing man i mean what's the what is it santa anita and what's the one near here but yes anita it is and two died in training

like last week yeah yeah i know it's a shame because i fucking love going to see the ponies it's so much fun so now we'll just have to bet on the dogs i told you one of the funniest things was uh hbo had that show big launch lots of money luck what luck yeah i think it was called yeah i mean dustin hoffman it was a great show i loved it yeah so uh a horse died on the set or whatever. And then like another one did. And anyway, I don't know all the details, but I believe there were two, maybe a little more. And everyone was alarmed and it was shut down.

And one of the horses was actually with the doctor, with the horse doctor, having its shots and all that and was being moved. And it like, it sort of got spooked or whatever. They're very skittish, obviously. And anyway, like a giant hit its head whatever but this was the thing that really put the nail on the coffin they their defense was how many horses on our set that are like two of your horses on this show have fucking died already and someone who knew what they were talking about was like that's

two out of like let's say it's 30 horses you know that's way better than the average track and people are like what shut it down shut it down yeah yeah yeah um we also got corrected by felicia baker car who said you told a story about a woman in quebec walking her boyfriend like the poor bugger was her bloody dog just to circumvent the quarantine restrictions mike finished the story then you said something akin to let's move on to international news a story about quebec is international news canada is considered a foreign country and Americans need a valid password to visit it's definitely foreign especially if you pronounce it Quebec Quebec

great who wrote this Felicia Baker Felicia well Felicia we also have a section in this podcast called the obituaries but we don't mention Quebec even though all of you are dead inside yeah

Quebecian zombies tu es mort But we don't mention Quebec, even though all of you are dead inside. Quebecian zombies. Tu es mort. I just did a French sentence with a Spanish accent. Tu es mort. You are dead. Very European. Kristen Leishman says, love of the podcast. I think Mike may have uh he doesn't get wes anderson's films he

said paul thomas anderson pta pretty much nails every film he directs i agree with every phrase in that sentence um yes they're both amazing directors wes is a little bit better one of them has stories in their movies and that's yes and that's paul thomas anderson like imagine here's the comparison imagine there will be blood and just really lean into those amazing i'll give them that amazing characters and take out a lot of the story and what you're waiting to see happen and also make it longer way longer than it needs to be tim keith says the singer that mike was trying to think of while talking about a hunger commercial is sarah mclaughlin remember her she was fucking great she was like one of the first kind of soulful

singer-songwriter chicks in a while there had been like kind of a dearth of it because you know you used to have like carol king and joni mitchell and um you know uh what's her name um uh uh oh here we are again the little the year of the little this is from chris denman who is still reeling from the capital he calls it loss i know he calls it a loss they're not going to give up the life uh which year was the little affair with your favorite mike he says ah we have a google doc by the way in case you guys are wondering that i wasn't that sensitive uh but no sarah mclaughlin's cool she has a good sense of humor too she's like lent i think she's We have a Google Doc, by the way, in case you guys are wondering that we all write in. I wasn't that sensitive. But no, Sarah McLachlan's cool.

She has a good sense of humor, too. I think she lent that kind of song to parodies and stuff. Yeah, but that resurgence of female singer-songwriters was really great. Yeah, I love the Indigo Girls. Paula Cole. I did not like the Indigo Girls. No? No, I thought they were really like, you know, they're a bar band they should have stayed there i listen they're fine i thought they were overrated that's all they weren't my cup of tea i am defined yeah that was all right but a lot of

times they're i found like the the lyrics were really heavy handed and they were really trying to be dylan like and whatever anyway oh chris hold up the other name sarah mclaughlin cheryl crowe tracy chapman jewel uh suzanna vega fiona apple is my favorite out of all of them she's my neighbor she lives across the street from me yeah i like all those names i thought i thought to be more hateable names on there i like all of them yeah um so then this one comes from i forget who sorry if i'm behind but you had talked about no one takes Bitcoin as payment and it's, sorry, the script is jumping around because Chris is losing his fucking mind with the goddamn Google doc.

He made a new Trump flag again. All right, we got it. So the companies that accept Bitcoin now are Wikipedia, Microsoft, and AT&T. 36% of small, medium businesses accept Bitcoin. That's amazing because if you accept a payment in Bitcoin and then it dives by 30%, which it did a couple of weeks ago, you just lost 30% of the value of the payment.

Yeah, they're betting long. I guess these businesses are betting that it's going to go up or they guess they're betting that it's long like i am because the second i bought it plummeted yeah it's down to 33 now you bought it at 40 i bought it whatever the top of that bounce was that's when i move i got some tour dates coming up after the pandemic. You're supposed to be in Kansas City right now, right? I canceled Kansas City. I apologize.

We're doing that in May. And I canceled Portland. We're doing that in September. But I am with a tentative dates in Raleigh, North Carolina on march 25th through 27th san francisco punchline april 29th through may 1st so we'll see we'll update you but those look like they'll probably happen ah you know what else is gonna happen mike what you're gonna get a stiffy i'll tell you why blue chew sent you a package did you ever get it no not yet what really i gotta sign up i gotta sign up dude i'll give you i'll give you a fistful they sent me like i thought they'd send me an envelope with a few in it i got i couldn't even carry it in the house and plus because i had an

erection oh and um just from touching the package this is strong stuff it's strong and it's chewable mike you don't have to worry about slogging down a pill while your girlfriend's looking at you going like why are you doing that no surprise her surprise her with some wood yeah if the active ingredients are still sildanafil and to that and tadalafil oh easy for you to say same ingredients as viagra and cialis oh boy those things have made a lot of women happy over the years a lot of men happy everybody's happy because you don't have to go in and talk to a doctor you do it online yeah they figure out the active they figure out which one is best for you and dosage it's way cheaper than the other two viagra and cialis and they ship it to your door discreet packaging it does not have anything dirty on the on the package nobody knows except

the neighbor greg fitzsimmons walking with the package in an erection that's the only dirty part chew it and do it here's a great deal did you just come up with their slogan that's the only dirty part chew it and do it here's a great deal their slogan that's their slogan no they gave it to me oh that's great here's a great deal visit bluechew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code papers just pay five dollars in shipping that's b-l-u-eE Chew.com promo code PAPERS. Do it, people. I've used it, and I'll tell you something. It is a great Saturday morning, afternoon,

and evening. Chew it and screw it. There it is. Here's another ad I'm excited about. They're a sponsor of the show that we love. I love that they're a sponsor of the show that we love express vpn express vpn is uh it's a vpn which allows you to go on the internet without sharing your personal information uh it's also which if you don't if you don't have it's like taking a

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love it all right mike give us some paper crinkling yes i have it today. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Oh, that's a crisp new paper. It's a great one. It did not, it's raining, so I have this head cold and it's raining. I feel like I'm in the Northeast. Followers of the baseless QAnon conspiracy theory are divided after Joe Biden's inauguration confounded their predictions that Donald Trump would remain president in order to punish his enemies in the deep state. Many reacted with shock and despair as Joe Biden was sworn in. I just want to throw up, said one in a popular chat on Telegram messaging app. I'm so sick of all the disinformation and false hope for weeks

q anon followers had been promoting 20th of january as a day of reckoning when prominent democrats and other elite satanic pedophiles would be arrested and executed on the orders of donald trump but as mr biden took his oath and no arrests were made, some in the QAnon community had an uncomfortable meeting with reality. Quote, it's done and we are played, wrote another. So look, I'm glad maybe this will weaken QAnon because I'm dying over here. I have not had a sip of child's blood in weeks and i'm getting i'm shaky i feel shaky uh it reminds me of the end of um there's a flat earthers documentary i think it's kind of like behind the curve or something whatever i think it's on netflix but it's this big thing and these flat earthers one's really charming likable guy so that's what

keeps you watching and then he goes to the flat earthers convention and there there's this uh this one little team with an elaborate setup and they have a laser and they're going to go however much distance apart and they're going to shoot the laser on a very very very level thing that and the idea of course is if the laser is higher on the receiving end because of the curvature of the non-flat earth then uh the earth's not flat so it's this big setup and then near the end they uh they they try to do it but there's some technical glitch or whatever and in the very end they're so psyched to see this laser go right through the hole that's there which would prove it's a flat earth and of course and you're watching this it's a weird documentary because you're not along for their ride you're not entertaining at all that there's a possibility that they're right so you're just watching them realize this which reminds me of this election so all of a sudden

it's the very very end like i think even credits are rolling and you see the laser and it comes up and they're all like huh like their whole world almost literally crumbles yeah their whole idea of everything they thought is just plainly shown to their face yeah no it's like uh santa claus it's like it's like that's that song i saw mommy kissing santa claus Claus. You're in kind of a quandary. What do you tell the kid? The kid's a little bit traumatized. This relationship that his life depends on is now being compromised. So you got to go to him and go, hey, by the way, Dad's Santa Claus.

I wasn't kissing another guy. Dad dressed up as Santa Claus. And the kid goes, does he also dress as the postman and uh and our and our neighbor harry he's he's really good at disguises because you're a whore so are you saying there's no postman or or newspaper delivery boy Are you saying they don't exist here? So pool guys don't exist? I was wondering why we have a pool guy with no pool. So Jay's Deli's softball team, that's not a real team?

Yeah. Those 11 guys, that's not a real team you mean the mexican band menudo they they don't exist that's weird so dane cook is not a comedian that one that one you're right oh come on love dane cook no i was playing the mom all right listen this was really we've got a new story i need a crinkle oh yeah of course hold on there's a paper right here yeah um this was really rude joe biden and dr Dr. Jill Biden were left waiting outside the White House on Inauguration Day, reportedly thanks to one final petty act by Donald Trump. He is said to have sent the White House butlers home as he and Melania left D.C. As a result, nobody was around to greet or help the Bidens when they arrived. helped the Bidens when they arrived. Following the inauguration, Biden and the First Lady walked up to the steps of the executive mansion, waved to photographers, turned to enter, but they were left awkwardly standing on the steps as the doors failed to open. An official not associated with

the Biden team said that Trump sent the butlers home when they left so there would be no one there to help the Bidens when they arrived. I mean, what? Is this an Airbnb in New Orleans? This is the fucking White House. Should it be that simple? I mean, if guys dressed up as Davy Crockett can get into the Capitol, that was locked. That was locked also. Yeah. Where the Biden storming the white house, they should have said I'm storming the white house. The guards would have helped them. No, the keys under the mat, nothing like that. Yeah. There's no check the windows.

There's gotta be a bathroom that's a jar because Trump took a dump before he left. It reminds me of the godfather when veto's in the hospital and nobody's there guarding him oh yeah right the uh well so much for the smooth trend meanwhile that was the smoothest part of the transition because once they did get inside they're like oh there is no vaccine plan that that's what we just found we didn't find like old posters on the wall and stains in the carpet typical things when you move into a new place no a total lack of a virus plan yeah i mean a vaccine plan like literally none and uh he left him a note i'm kind of curious what the note said Do they generally reveal that or is that kept secret? Well, what I read was Biden said he wouldn't reveal it because it was

personal, but he called it generous. That he left the note at all, I'm shocked. Was that tradition started by Bush? No. yeah was that was that was that tradition started by bush no i think it goes way way back doesn't it i would think so but the first time i heard about it i thought it was bush senior maybe leaving it for what would it be clinton yeah uh chris will you look that up for us it's uh i know you only started paying attention to the presidents when reagan was elected but check it out see what you can find well the good news is you're looking up one of your heroes letters it would be bush senior

unfortunately he left it to clinton here's another story yeah mike oh am i doing it yeah you're gonna fucking crinkle a paper for me oh sorry sorry i didn't know what i've i'm there we go i'm a little cloudy is that a little out of it you're a little out of it um with ugg season of full swing the iconic brand partnered up with vip which yes stands for very important puppies obviously make dog ugg boots a reality they retail for 80 all right they also come with daisy dukes and for an extra 50 bucks your dog can give paulie shore a blow job this is how you know the recession hasn't really kicked in yet, that this is still a thing. Right, right. Have you ever seen it on Lincoln Boulevard here by Ocean Park in that, you know, there's a Gelson's Park mall there, strip mall? Yeah.

In there, there is a store in very expensive, as far as retail goes, very expensive Santa Monica. There is a store in there that's called Protein for Pets. And that's the one I watch. I'm like, the economy is doing okay if you fools can keep this business going. Right. I remember our agents, Matt Rice. He's not your agent. He was, sure. He was, right. he was sure it was right i'm still in the family yeah i love him right right right so uh he's the best and he uh he has a dog he sends his dog to this like spa when they go away yeah and there's a picture of him and his dog on the wall of the way you know i'm the one who took that oh okay you told me because i took took James Corden there. Because we did a bit on Corden, which was take a break.

So he takes a shift for someone. So he took a shift of a dog groomer there. And while I was in there, I saw the picture. I'm like, there's no fucking way. And he's a really like macho guy. Yeah, yeah. And not in that photo, was he? He's funny though, because he's mach really like macho guy yeah yeah and not in that photo was he he's he's funny though because he's macho as hell he's like the he's like the the man's man but he also like likes

the grateful dead i didn't expect that i expected him to be like a frat guy that like uh that like uh the beastie boys first album. No, he's very... A lot of bros. What's the one he really likes? I'll remember in a second. Fish? No. No, they're a little more

refined than that. Tweety, Jeff Tweety or whatever his name is. Oh, from Wilco? Yeah, Wilco. He loves Wilco. All right, we just got this message from chris um trump will be back in 2020 oh no that's a different note for the past 30 years the outgoing president has left a note started with reagan okay uh Yeah, this is where you could see, by the way, I doubt Reagan. Apparently he was really battling

like the onset of dementia and stuff like that. Holy, wait, let's get to dementia in a second. But they're saying here, according to Chris anyway, Reagan left a note to incoming president, George H.W. Bush, with cartoon turkeys on it, along with other niceties.

It had the phrase, don't let the turkeys get you down. That's fucking great. No, that's great for a mentally challenged like third grader. No, that's like that's so sweet yeah he left him a coffee cup that says how can you soar with the eagles when you work with a bunch of turkeys yeah little he signed a cat poster hang in there with cat hanging from a tree but but i had george w that george h. Bush in turn left it for Clinton. And that, I think, is a rather famous one that was like very well written. You're, you know, basically recognizing whatever, whatever, however you look at this, you are my president now and you have my full support. And

it was really it was great. you think george hw bush when he made the pictures of the turkeys he did it by tracing his hand that's a little dance for reagan at that stage all right let's hit some international news mike oh yeah hold on oh it's over international section is i have to reach all the way there you go Hold on. Oh, it's over here. International section is... I have to reach all the way. There you go. Yeah. Wow, you really are digging deep into that section.

This closet looks like a birdcage, man. A man's trip... This is the best story of the day the man a man's trip advisor review for the palms resort of the turks and caicos islands has caused a stir after he claimed his wife was seduced by the hotel's masseuse during their stay his one star review review red my wife and i went to this resort water sand pool service is amazing yeah maybe too amazing uh we had such a good time that i decided to fly home to get our son tom to enjoy it also first of all what the fuck is that you're having a blast on a beautiful beach resort with your wife and you go let's go get our son yeah well we're when i returned my wife had eventually told me that she went to get a massage and the masseuse seduced her and spent the night with her michael added i am not blaming the resort for this

this is my wife's fault but just know that this is the kind of thing that happens at this resort guess where else it happens in your house when you go to work yes and i should mention uh despite that i would have given four stars because the swimming pool but the lifeguard became a little bit of a problem and i would have given four stars because the swimming pool, but the lifeguard became a little bit of a problem. And I would have given four stars to the buffet, but the guy working the shrimp, the unlimited shrimp part of the buffet became a problem. Yeah, I would say, you know, the maid did a great job,

but when I came back to the room, she looked like she was attacking my wife um imagine the sun you brought you brought me dad you brought me down for this this son is like wow i'm gonna go get a massage this resort is fucking great five stars yeah it's so funny because like uh you know that my main porn addiction it's not an addiction i my proclivity is when i watch porn i watch hidden camera japanese lesbian massage porn it's well documented you're you're addicted to that proclivity i guess that's one way of saying it why do you have to put the word dick in something oh wait a minute and so it's it's weird to see the other side of it you know because these women they usually when they leave i don't think they tell their husbands and you know you told me about this once and i went and searched it

one there's obviously there's a i don't think i'm finding the right ones just google exactly what i said and the best site is x hamster oh boy which is the oddest name on the planet imagine i want to be a fly on the wall in that meeting. All right. We're going to try to open the largest porn inventory ever. I need some names. Not just the meeting was this. How about X Hamster? Done. Meeting over. Next order of business. Next order of business. We need a name for the Washington football team. Any idea? I think you said it right there, boss. You're right. This is the most efficient company ever. Their meetings, their meetings don't last more than three minutes. Also the African-American thing is starting to lose traction.

Ideas. How about black, sir? Got it. Type it up, fax it around i like it uh let's do your favorite florida man all right let's see how my voice holds up. Cave Coral, Florida. A police officer was making a routine traffic stop when a Mr. Philip Plumlee drove his motorcycle right into the cop car Wednesday. When Mr. Plumlee hit the car, he flew off the motorcycle and landed in the street.

He had to go to the hospital where investigators say his blood alcohol content was 0.225 which is more than three times the legal limit like all right i'm shit-faced i'm getting on my bike there's basically one rule don't hit a cop that's the only thing in florida that will get me caught i can i can weave i can swerve i can hit a mailbox just don't hit the goddamn guy i i would love it if the if he got up off the ground dusted himself off and the cop went all right i need you to walk a straight line i just made i just made a straight line into your car dummy you could forget to untie your alligator your motorcycle and drag it through town no one would bat an eye can you take the underage hostage to strap to the back of your

bike off so we can uh tell it do you think the cop even like... Yep, there he goes. He probably knew him off, Phil. Like blinking at him flying through the air. There goes Phil. Mr. Plumlee. Oh my God. All right. We got a lot of entertainment today. Let's get to it.

Yes, sir. Alec Baldwin, who has had so many comebacks in his career. He tweeted Monday that he's quit Twitter after his wife Hilaria Hilaria Baldwin. Is she a comedian? Was that her stage name? Yeah, as it turns out

it's closer to Hillary. Was called out for falsely claiming Spanish heritage and using a Spanish accent in some old videos. Quote, Twitter is like a party where everyone is screaming. Not much of a party, the actor wrote. Goodbye for now.

Old footage showed him telling talk show host David Letterman that she was from Spain. Hilaria bald when attempted to clarify her background, saying she was born in Boston, but maintains a strong connection to Spain because she has spent so much time in Spain with her parents that live there yeah that'll give you an accent I think she even she went to high school here hey no she's American and they have footage of her on a show talking about like as rich women will uh you know a wife of this famous guy she somehow gets on a morning show about recipes or whatever. And she's not a professional cook.

I don't believe she's a yoga instructor, I think. Yoga instructor. So they have footage of her and they're like, no, and then you could use and she grabs a fruit, okay? No, a cucumber. It was something like that. She's like, yeah.

And she's like, how do you say? How do you say? What do you call this in Americaica she goes i mean what what yeah holy shit yeah that's crazy that's insane and especially if she's from boston she's probably mixing the two she's like uh, pack the car. I mean, these kids are loaded with acting talent. I mean, they thought it was from one side. Yeah.

I mean, to commit like that, that's incredible. Not to mention, but they're going to get deported. So that's the downside. Yeah. Right. But he is is i can love him you know some of his acting is just so amazing he kills it on snl but man he is a pompous douche have you seen his talk show when he had his talk show yes i did unbearable it's uh i i recognize when i'm with someone like that or i'm reading woody allen's book like if you're really funny uh i have a soft spot for i mean i i think it's obvious i think

a lot of people do but it's same thing like if whatever you're into if someone is really into that and then there's you know there's a negative side to them it's it's it's hard to sort of coalesce both of them you know like i so anyway i i i wrote i was head writer and worked on the day on the alec baldwin roast and uh he's ridiculously naturally funny yeah yeah like almost like idiot savant like like you don't think he's getting it your top room's like yeah yeah and then and he's very very distracted and he has he has a lot going on yes he's always engaged in some fight multiple fights so you're trying to like tell him like this this line needs a little finessing because the joke is yeah yeah right right and then he goes out there and it's as if he wrote it yeah it's unbelievable really yeah it's crazy who am i look at me in my little fucking office with my stupid little light and i'm and i'm sitting here i like the light this

week and i'm sitting here judging alec baldwin the listen, in fairness to you, there's a lot to judge. I know. I know. But still, that's going to be my resolution for 2020. It's just stop judging anybody. Right. Don't say right. What do you mean right?

I wasn't listening. I'm like Alec. I took like alec i took it in i took it in i'll work with it later but i'm not going to give you much feedback right now i'm also kind of working his voice right now a little bit you know yeah you are he was actually when he did like kiss of the spider woman or whatever it was called like he was grew he had started i think in theater and then he was groomed as like the next big leading man yeah and he did it he did a few movies and he was apparently such an asshole that even though the movies were doing fine people stopped using him like he was

that much of an asshole and then his career was in the shitter for a long time yeah i think one of the big things was he was in that um red dawn or whatever the you know the uh submarine movie yeah tom clancy and then didn't do the sequel and that was a big derailment i don't know what the real story was there yeah but i do know this is it miami blue miami blues one of his first films definitely go watch because he's a, he's a nobody. No one knows him as an actor and he pops. He's he's, he's like a quirky, he's like a quirky violent guy. It's, it's totally my memory.

It's totally worth going back and watching. He was also drop dead gorgeous yeah like um what was the one with michelle pfeiffer married to the mob right wasn't oh yeah yeah that's a good movie i gotta see that one again was that the one i'm thinking of wait there was also he was the boyfriend in the staten island one right uh working girl or working girl yeah yeah he was good it was a small also, he was the boyfriend in the Staten Island one, right? Working Girl, yeah. Yeah, he was good in that. It was a small part, but he was good. Yeah.

You want to talk about Chappelle? Here we go. It's kind of a paper. Is it really a paper? Anyway, it was announced this week. I just put the headline in here. I don't really have material on it, but Dave Chappelle's Austin shows were canceled after the comedian tested positive for COVID-19. And then Joe Rogan

Instagrammed about it, quote, sorry, my friends, the Friday and Saturday shows have been canceled. We'll reschedule them as soon as we can. Much love to you all. Now, one thing i did read was uh it just said that this announcement came two days after they saw he was with and posing for photos with elon musk now i don't know i know elon musk had a lot of opinions about the virus and at one point he took four tests and two were negative two were positive because he was trying to prove how inaccurate it turns out. Oh, really? Right. You know, you can't get tested at the VA hospital or Dodger Stadium anymore, right?

Why not? Because a big article broke the story of how many false negatives there were. Why? Because while they were sitting there and it was a very, very well-run operation, people weren't administering it. Like it was, it was a mouth swab and they weren't administering it correctly or for their exact duration, even though in theory, someone was watching you right through your car window, but you did it yourself and, um, and then put it in. And there might be more to it than that. like maybe the test wasn't

great but i do know anyway it's been closed down since that article broke that story damn i'm getting tested right after this show i've been i've been back for six days i've been in the back by myself kind of digging it kind of digging taking one hit a pot and watching weird documentaries on netflix by myself yeah and my and you know and they just call me and my dinner's ready and i eat it in the backyard we all eat in the backyard together it sounds like retirement i am retired and i fucking love it yeah i don't know I'm going to get the health benefits this year, but I have till January. I have till December to figure it out.

Mine run out on April 1st. Oof. Yeah. And then I got to try to figure out where I'm going to get my health coverage from maybe the podcasting union. Yeah. The very strong podcasting union. They should organize.

Podcasts should organize because you know there's places like spotify that gave they gave uh rogan 100 million dollars the rest of us get nothing if you play a song on spotify the artist gets paid the publisher gets paid they take a podcast which gets the same number of listens and we get zero how does that work it works out very well for them yeah and i think the same same with pandora they pay the music they don't pay us um youtube pays us so watch the show on youtube you can't imagine how good we look just so you guys know if i'm not really bringing it today just know know I do this. Unlike Greg, I'm doing this for free so far. Even though you've offered me the money for it.

I've offered you the money and you've said keep it because I don't want to pay taxes on it. I don't think I said that. All right, we're moving on. And here's a Lil Wayne story for you. Early Wednesday, Lil Wayne found himself among the 143 pardons and commutations, yes, announced by former President Trump during his final hours in office. So this is about a gun charge, and it stemmed from a search of Lil Wayne's private plane upon landing in the Miami area on December 23rd in 2019. They found a gold-pl plated what's the best detail they found a gold plated 45 caliber galak handgun and ammunition and a k a cache

you can say cash or cache i would say cash i think cache is something like uh fancy like porsche versus porsche this is going to be a cache of drugs for which no one was charged I think cachet is something like fancy. Like Porsche versus Porsche? There's going to be a cache of drugs for which no one was charged. I don't get that part. And nearly, maybe it was the vaccine. Maybe Lil Wayne's running. I'd have a gold-plated gun if I had a plane full of vaccine. And he also had nearly $26,000 in cash.

Lil Wayne was unable to legally carry a firearm, having previously pleaded guilty to felony gun possession in New York in 2009. He had served eight months at Rikers. You know, I forgot about that. Yeah, I mean, that's real. You need that. As a rapper, you've got to spend a few months behind bars to have any legitimacy.

So his lawyer then pointed out the gold plated firearm is a collector's piece given to him as, wait for it, a Father's Day gift. Oh, that's sweet. I usually got my dad a tie because he was a drinker and I wasn't that into arming him. Because he was a drinker and I wasn't that into arming him. Well, did your dad just get out of Rikers for illegal possession of a necktie? And then you're like, you know what I'm going to get him? I'm going to get him a necktie. Dad, I figured out what you love and I got it. Yeah. I've also got the cash of drugs are on the way

um I think why now why did he pardon him I'm I kind of have a theory that maybe like Lil Wayne is going to be uh Trump's new Epstein you know he's got the jet he's got the drugs he's got the bitches oh interesting yeah well i did read a little about it when i trimmed this story down and they were in miami trump and lil wayne at some event or whatever and lil wayne got private time with trump no kidding yeah and then um then it was a campaign stop. And then a little while later, like the next week or two weeks, Lil Wayne famously endorsed Trump. And they believe that conversation was a, I can win this with the black vote. So I will give you a pardon. Even if the needle is moved a little bit but what's amazing to me is that trump kept his word yeah right because it didn't it didn't get him elected that's the

only reason he did it so why after the election would he pardon him and my only guess is because uh lil wayne would shoot the fuck out of him with all his guns yeah when you're pardoning a guy for owning a weapon you don't cross him yeah now he has guns that are just for just just because his son gave him no imagine how many real ones he has jesus. Got a little pardon. So I watched, you know, we always talk about shows that we've seen this week. And we had given you guys an assignment to watch The Night Stalker this week, which we both. And I think we also assigned Tell Me Who I Am. Yeah, we got a letter. Did you see that lady?

She thought it was real, real downer and that we should have warned her uh which one tell me who i am i didn't i wasn't down at all about that i was disturbed but i wasn't down because i thought it was redemptive on some level oh my god yeah you know i mean the the if you don't know we're trying to do this without spoiler because i feel like this is a documentary that you should see with no advanced warning because it's one of these things like uh what was the one about the clown family that ended up being molesters yeah yeah yeah the capturing the freedmen's yeah it's like that where it starts out about one thing and then it starts to evolve and you just

um so we i won't give away any of the details about it but it really brings up the question of um if somebody dies if somebody loses their memory do you want to fill them in on their life even if it includes horrible circumstances right you think he was right to do it well it's also like um if you went back in time do you because it changes everything do you affect things it's kind of like that it's a very like it's almost like a sci-fi it's almost like a sci-fi premise right right um so he obviously had to tell him how the world worked and all that stuff and everything but you know what was very interesting is you know with all the memories one has in life uh all of us kind of like the the um spot the spotless mind, you know, kind of premise, which is,

would you like to lose? Would you like to not have some, whether it's that bad breakup or any sort of anything you've gone through in your life? If you could, would you like to be more selective about what's what's up in the old noggin? If you could erase one memory, which one would it be? Probably the first half of this podcast i don't know that's the first thing that came to mind i mean i'd start there i'd also erase this past week and yesterday i might erase 2020 i mean how long of a list how many do i get to

get one thing you get one thing in your life to erase. Oh, that's a very great question. We should open that up to listeners. Yeah, that'll be your question for next week. Write us at FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com or go to the FitzDawg.com website and email me from there. What about you?

If I could erase one thing it's hard because if i can i say my dad dying and that would mean he's still alive right i was just gonna say some things are very i mean i think we'll learn everything is very intertwined some might be simple like a really embarrassing thing you said, you know what I mean? But even that has ramifications. Like if you ruined your relationship with a family member or whatever. So your dad dying. Well, so what?

All right. Now we have the thing hooked up to your head, right? And we're going to zap you. And they're mapping your brain and they, and they found that memory, but is that what's going on? Are you losing that? Maybe you're losing just that pain associated with him passing? No, because it's ongoing. It never ends. They can't. We're talking about Greg Fitzzsimmons brain this little setup in some shitty dirty garage uh like it like some illegal abortion uh they can't bring your father back to life all right then i would i would get rid of i used to host a game show on mtv called idiot

savants i had so much fucking fun doing it it was a really cool fun show and after the second season or we had done one season and we were starting if we had filmed a bunch of episodes for the second season i did an interview with time at new york magazine where the writer really set me up she she drew me in made things very intimate we were friends and I said some stuff off the record about how I never really wanted to be a game show host and this is because I was at the point in my career where it had just started you know I'd been doing stand-up for like seven years and all of a sudden I had like my break which wasn't the game show it was going to the Montreal Comedy Festival and I had a development deal for a sitcom and a bunch of stuff was happening and I was afraid that doing a game

show would kind of pigeonhole me and I wouldn't be able to do other things yeah and I said that to her kind of off the record and she made the article all about how I was embarrassed to be doing a game show and they canceled it MTV canceled it yeah because we were kind of on the bubble and that apparently put them over the edge and they canceled it well what most people don't realize is all of us had had that game show has been removed from our memories but wait a minute not january jones january jones was the uh prize girl and the pilot oh my god from madman yeah we did forget that wait a minute now uh did she betray you other than a feeling like did she go off the record did she or enough was on the way this way she first wanted to do the interview naked in a spa on the Lower East Side.

That's not true, is it? Yeah. Wow. And Aaron wasn't comfortable with that, so I didn't do that. So it was like, she was friends with comedians. And at the same time, I think she was looking for, she actually ended up writing a really good book about Bill Hicks. Her name is Cynthia True. And we're on good terms since

then but i felt a little bit like it was a fine line about whether that was on the record or not got it got it um all right i guess i'd i guess you know here's an interesting part of this if you were really exploring this all right so let's say it's your dad, the memory. So in your brain, they've, they've, they've mapped and you can see this pain center and that pain center is the pain you experience with your dad's passing. Right? So they remove that, but now what they've removed is also the good memories of your dad, because those actually are probably what caused a lot of the hurt right so so now that's the that's the bargain that you have is you're going to erase good memories no i wouldn't do that no and that's so that gets to the better to have loved and lost

than not to have loved at all i mean it gets to that like if you erase kind of like in the spotless mind if you erase that relationship while you're racing, you can't cherry pick that great photo of you guys ice skating together. Like, you can't hold on to that either if you're going to purge the whole thing. Right, right. So, for instance, all right, if I, here's the other fascinating thing. Very Silence of the Lambs-like. We don't know how informed we are. So let's say I removed the memory of my,

the pain from my parents' divorce. The weird thing is I already don't remember probably the most painful thing when I was four and they got divorced. You were only four? Yeah. Oh, geez, what a tough age to have your parents divorced. I have only one memory of it kind of going.

That's what I mean. I have one memory, kind of like the documentary, getting back to full circle. Tell me who I am. Very early on. This is not spoiling it, the brother would show the one whose memory is being rebuilt a picture of the two of them at the beach in the south of France. And what he did, very much like Blade Runner, when she had an image of implanted of her childhood, he would build memories, just he only had the photo to work on so he would build memories on this beach vacation with his brother and then buried in the sand so I have one memory

which is incredibly painful which is my dad dropping us off on a Sunday night and it must have been the first and he was leaving and I I remember we were all in the living room. And then we were just like, wait, what do you mean you're dropping us off? And my mom, I saw like leave the room. And my dad sat against the wall. And he had both of us. And God, Laura was two and a half or three. And he had both of us on his legs as he sat against the wall on the floor.

And I can just, it's amazing. I'm not crying now. Like I can just feel right now, even as I talk about this, how painful that was. Wow. And then watching him through the window, walk to his car. So, but how many don't I remember? I don't remember what happened in the next five minutes. I don't remember what happened the next month. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, but it was one of those as a kid, just the purity of not accepting it, like fucking work it out. Like, what are you talking about?

Yeah. Yeah. No, at that age, that is your world. Your survival depends on these two people being together. You know, there was no examples. obviously I wasn't even in school yet, really. I don't, and even then the divorce was fairly, you know, not that common. Yeah, right, right. No, it wasn't. When we were kids, it's not like today. I mean, I did not have that many friends

whose parents were divorced. People stayed together. None of my relatives. I have 21 first cousins and only one of them has been divorced wow yeah um alcohol i mean there's a lot of that yes there's a lot i think the domestic violence kind of calms things down it's like it's like exhaling you know just once in a while by the way they haven't figured out they're constantly removing memories with alcohol yeah right right no but that's what i in a way that's what alcohol

is yeah memory eraser well i think that's also why people have big weddings because you take a bunch of photos you dress up you look your best you feel your best you get a band to make you dance and then you kind of hold on to that people live off their weddings for a long time you put pictures of it up on the walls right one image it's one day i actually also have the theory that uh the two biggest kind of rites of passage obviously uh that humans go through right so marriage and and death and so what do we do to marriage and death we uh on the day and the week that this is all going down why don't you host one of the largest parties you're ever going to host in your life yeah with a giant guest list and tons of conflicts and having to negotiate all this stuff yeah like in other words what better way to not think about you're

committing for life to another human being yeah or you're saying goodbye to someone forever but why don't you worry about aunt mary and if she likes the appetizers at the after thing yeah the millions of things are going to go wrong that day what about your wedding when i was supposed to do a reading from bob dylan and i forgot it of course and so yeah so at the time this how long ago you got married the internet was like crawling it was like phone lines and fax machines and so i had this and i really did think at the time like this was genius billy clark who was there who's the first ad was like the internet we got to find somewhere at this it was like a beach club the office might have the internet and so we went into the office and i looked up uh Young, Bob Dylan.

It took like 15 minutes to get the lyrics of a song on the Internet. And then it took another 15 to somehow print print the Internet. How do you do that? Right. And then at the last minute, I came running down and I read it. And you and afterwards, you're like, yeah, wrong verse. Well, what I had done was i'm like am i really going to be this cliche i'm not going to pick something from like visions of johanna i'm not going to go totally esoteric so people know this and it's very very very like it's like almost you know and i that

sounds basically almost like an irish prayer too i'm like that'll satisfy my dad but what i did was i went in i chose a verse that was a little less obvious. And I also reconstructed it a little bit, removing like the repeating things a song would do. And I made it more like a poem. So I'm standing there. Hundreds of people are there. You get called up, you start reading third sentence. I'm'm like he's reading the wrong thing and you are just proudly you stick it you stick the landing you're so proud i go over i give you a big hug i don't even and i don't think i brought it up for a long time years i think it was years i didn't bring up for years yeah well you got me back because on my wedding you got up and

first first words out of your mouth as the best man was uh i didn't like greg like like most of you i didn't like greg when i like most of you here today i didn't like greg when i first met him and uh by the way uproarious like it could not have rung true more i was a little overwhelmed by the reaction i thought i didn't think i thought it'd be like a snicker uh no no thoroughly unlikable well most people have met you when you were drinking too and incorrigible yeah but now i'm couraged all right night stalker uh we spent a lot of time here but i i i was mixed on it it's unbelievable story i thought they were trying to force you know the relationship and that guy trying to please his dad you know what i mean like it's felt a little hollow there i thought and it was a little slow for me yeah they basically made it uh a dual

dueling narrative one was about the detective and one was about the killer um i gotta say though when they finally catch him and you see him it's as creepy and scary as hannibal lecter like this dude was pure evil and insane insane. Yeah, truly insane. Yeah. But I had just watched, there's another documentary called The Ripper about this guy who was in West Yorkshire in England back in the 70s and 80s, who was a serial killer.

And it was really well done. And I really liked it, but I made the mistake of going from that straight into Night Stalker. And it was so well done. And, and I really liked it, but I made the mistake of going from that straight into Night Stalker. And it was so many fucking killings. I was, I really started to get like almost calloused. Like they would, you know, they talk about the next killing and I was just like, okay, did he, did he rape the kids this time? What? I mean, this guy,

this guy over the map. Yeah. He was hard to catch because he was all over the map. He would rape kids. He would let them live. He would kill the wife kill the husband and the next time he'd kill the husband rape the wife leave her a lot it black people chinese people rape old old women yeah um old women from kids told it was crazy but uh i he was so unnerving to look at and truly like i think there was this evil vibe that i just imagine being the prosecuting like lawyer on the trial and it's like uh any questions uh you know your first witness no just uh can he just talk for a minute that's all i don't i don't even have a question just let him talk for 60 seconds and

then i'll actually close my case yeah well and also there was a bunch of kids that have been raped and they started to question them to prep them for the trial and then they said wait a minute we got this guy on 14 murders we don't need to prosecute him on the child rape so these kids all have to testify so that was that was very smart thank god uh very quickly last night uh sophie really wanted to watch a movie and kind of bond and stuff and anyway we watched swingers very uh odd to say inside it's sweet and it's you know and it's it's good kind of doesn't hold up i'm shocked i'm really i'm shocked i'm saying it like first of all you could see how independent it was and like cheap it looked like a student

film yeah there's weird like remember when they tried to do the slow-mo scorsese thing and it was like it was like you and i shooting it out like if you shot swingers on your phone now, it would be a better looking movie. Yeah. And anyway, of course, Vince Vaughn just absolutely pops off the screen. I mean, it's a star is born immediately. Right. But holy shit, is Favreau doing a Woody Allen impression? Oh, totally. Yeah.

It's embarrassing. I mean, God bless him. He was a real, you know, he's a genuinely funny guy and I like Favreau and, but like, he should have been like, yes, I can imagine. Like I heard on a podcast, you talking about, it's hard to get like a tell his voice out of your head. Like, you know, when it like, when there's such an influence and it's so right and strong,

it's hard not to channel that. But Jesus, you're making a movie. You can't do Woody Allen. Yeah, a lot of people have done Woody Allen over the years. I think Richard Lewis did it a little bit. I mean, he made it different, but it was that same idea. But who else does Woody? I'm trying to think.

There's somebody else that does Woody Allen. Exactly. who else does woody i'm trying to think there's somebody else that does woody allen exactly but it's odd and it really unnecessarily long scenes that you're wondering why are they yeah like and i i've always thought because favreau wrote it and you know co-produced or whatever but he didn't direct it and i'm sure he didn't edit it and I would I wonder like that would be a good thing to gently bring up like everyone would like another shot at editing things kind of like erasing our memories and I like oh boy it would be like give me a half a day in the edit bay with that movie and I'll give you and I don't even need new footage I'll give you such a better movie yeah yeah speaking

of perfect movies uh we we asked you guys, because we named a couple that were perfect. We asked you guys, Dennis Gubbins, our friend Dennis. Ah, Gubbins. He said Breaking Away, which in my mind is the best loss of innocence movie ever made. It's great. I remember like it was a big deal when i showed the kids that movie it was like

a movie that i always had in my head that at a certain age i'm gonna watch this movie with my kids and they were very affected by it it's just beautiful it's great it's uh and it's not even you know you say loss of innocence like it's not even that it's just subtle it's not like a big thing you know what i mean it's not like you're talking about oh this guy gets raped like it's it's just a beautiful heartwarming small movie and it really and i went back and i did the same thing i watched with my kids and i i was worried it's kind of like swingers. Cause what happens when you watch it with someone who you've built it up to, you know, everything feels long and it, and it, it's not a long movie at all. And like movies of that age,

it's usually you're expecting it to be slower paced. And it was, it really was perfect. Yeah. All right. Let's do some sports. Oh boy. Oh geez geez this section right here there it is uh all right mike you are down in our in our weekly bet that started 18 weeks ago we bet 50 a week on i took the buccaneers with points or giving points you are down 150 i mean everyone's like uh one rule i have in sports i never bet against brady well why the fuck doesn't vegas catch on to this yeah they don't seem to catch on i mean last week uh it was a three-point spread where actually the Saints gave the Buccaneers three points, and the Buccaneers won 30-20.

Yep. So this week, the Green Bay Packers, this is the last week of the playoffs. This is for the NFC Championship. Who cares? I never remember what league people are in. So the point spread is you are giving the Bucs three and a half points this week. Wonderful. I have a feeling this is the week the Bucs get knocked out.

I don't think they got a chance against Green Bay. As a matter of fact, I'm going to bet on the side against myself. And the Super Bowl is in Tampa Bay, isn't it? Right. God damn it. It's storybook. The same place where the Tampa Bay Lightning won the

Stanley Cup Championship and the Rays were in the World Series this year. So this little shit town in Florida is fucking the sports center of the world right now and they have a manatee with trump scraped on its back right that's right so uh all right so we'll see how that goes game is on sunday it's going to be played in green bay also in sports tonight we record remember we record this on saturday conor mcgregor is fighting

dustin poirier and uh they there's no animosity usually connor's talking shit and he's not he might be talking shit but they had a way in and it was all lovey-dovey the guy gave him a little gift and i guess connor donated to the guy's charity like a lot of money and half a million dollars so i don't know about this stuff although i really did enjoy the documentary on conor mcgregor did you see it no oh dude he is a charming motherfucker really i mean i'm saying the obvious as anyone who's even knows a little about him it must be bored stiff right now but um uh dude watch that documentary and watch it with the family even because it is about a guy his outlook is so positive and obviously confident and very cocky but uh and then chris here because chris when he's not in his q non chat chat rooms is organizing cage fights. He said, I guess Connor was on welfare right before he got into UFC.

And I do cover that poor stuff. Hashtag Patriot Party. Anyway, like I didn't even know these two guys fought before. I saw the weigh-in. I saw it and I clicked on it and watched uh news on the on the way and the other dude i showed you the photo before the podcast is so much wider they're the same height and i'm like there's no way they weigh within five pounds of each other i think within two pounds but i'm like this guy if you just watch the way in all the money would be on the other guy but both of them they've got

their they got their arms around each other's shoulders the fucking abs on these guys are insane the their ab rippling starts at their nipples and it goes down to their balls it's insane uh the other thing you learn in the documentary is how hard-working conor mcgrath like yeah because i thought there was maybe a little bit about you know almost like the brad pitt gypsy in that movie like it's like uh yeah i can beat anybody i have the god natural god-given talent oh man the furthest thing from that he makes no excuses he got injured during the documentary like he is a hard worker yeah well welfare do that to you. That's why we've got to have welfare in this country. Let's go to science.

All right. Here's the... Oh, wait. I got it right here. Two new studies have found a commonly used pesticide is disrupting the sleep of bees with big consequences it seems to disrupt the body clock in bumblebees they forage much less uh much less foraging much of that foraging is happening in nighttime and they are sleeping a lot more in the daytime tasman warns that bees are now quote

quite sluggish and they're going out less often maybe i've been hit with that pesticide this week maybe that's what happened to me no the bees are not jerking off constantly it doesn't say anything about that i think it's just a sugar crash from all the honey. Is that what it is? Yeah, that's my cute little joke. That's a nice one. That's like a Hallmark card. Yeah, just imagine that, you know, you're a fucking farmer because you understand something. 70% of all the produce that we eat, vegetables and fruits,

bees are responsible for the pollination oh there's all those things that you don't realize how delicate the balance is did you ever see it was one of these great nature documentaries and it might have been blue planet anyway they would have little chapters right so one chapter was on grass and it's like, yeah, pass. Like, no thanks. Like, please get to hurricanes or whatever the fucking next chapter was. Grass, dude, is fascinating. It's like without grass, forget it. We're all indoors with respirators choking on all the dust in the air and everything.

And also the migrations. It dictates giant migrations and erosion. It's crazy how important grass is. Yeah, right. That's hilarious. It's like the bees. Yeah. Also in the news,

Colombia's best known drug trafficker, Pablo Escobar, has been killed in 1993, but his influence continues to be felt in the country. Hippopotamuses brought to Colombia as part of Escobar's private zoo at his ranch have bred so successfully that there's a concern about environmental impact and human safety. They have spread from their home 100 miles east of the city of Medellin, dispersing around the magdalena river as their population continues to grow scientists are calling for castration to control the hippo population good luck to that guy well you wonder why they're procreating at such a rate they still have 14 pounds of cocaine jammed up

their assholes they're running around like crazy yeah you try to cut their balls off they pull out an ak-47 three other three other hippos come out from behind the bushes whenever pablo's guys like go on the field or towards a little swap they all back they all instinctively back against each other hiding their asses yeah the um well so they're gonna castrate them and you gotta think like you've heard of rocky mountain oysters right oh yeah yeah yeah they're bulls balls right can you imagine hippo balls colombian oysters half a serving please yeah alex alex jones will be selling the testicle meat as like male enhancement supplements. Testicle meat. What a phrase.

I like it. Let's hit some business. We have to rush because your voice is going. Is it really? All right. I didn't hear it. Here we go. Business.

Okay. Business. Okay, business. Microsoft has been granted a patent that would allow the company to make a chat bot using the personal information of deceased people. The patent describes creating a bot based on the images, voice data, social media posts, electronic messages, and more personal information. And in this article that i was reading about they gave

the example of that you know in october kanye bought kim kardashian a hologram of her late father robert kardashian to celebrate her 40th birthday did you ever see that video no he appeared on stage like at her birthday they had a birthday gathering thing and talked to kim wow no no it was bizarre i can't imagine how bizarre it was for that family so it wasn't a video of him that they already had that they were just showing it was a manipulated hologram right i guess it was like i mean i guess like with the tupac one they did find tupac like seeing that song but it had to be manipulated so no this was robert uh probably you know obviously real video i think of robert kardashian standing speaking and then they are able to manipulate his mouth and steal all the words they have of his.

I believe, I think that's how it was done. I don't think they got an impersonator to bridge the gaps. And I believe they made him speak a new message. Well, on Stern, they always do that to uh famous people they take their words and they rearrange them so they say things like i love black cock right and uh and it sounds like it sounds real they you could tell that this one wasn't fake because he's like are, how did you get famous? I heard something about a tape. Is that, am I hearing this right? Oh, honey, I am so not proud of you. He shamed her on her 40th birthday. Thank God I was dead. And then the hologram looks off stage

like, can you, can you kill me? Can you kill me please right away this is my family this is my family yeah i defended oj i can't defend you jesus christ where's bruce i gotta talk to him what what the fuck have you guys been doing imagine if the hologram became real like that right well you've been doing all this crazy shit i just hope people don't know about it hope you're keeping it quiet yeah chloe you don't even look like my kid what wait what went on there look at that that's the thing is like after all this plastic surgery don't all the kardashians look like holograms yeah i thought you were gonna have me present to my family.

Who are these people? Yeah, who are these good looking people? Yeah. Oh my God. All right. All right. This day in history. Yeah.

This is crazy. After 28 years of hiding in the jungles of Guam, local farmers discovered Soichi Yokoi, a Japanese sergeant who fought in World War II. Guam became a U.S. possession in 1898. In 1941, the Japanese captured it. And in 1944, U.S. forces took it back. It was at this time that Yokoi, left behind by retreating Japanese forces, went into hiding rather than surrender to the Americans.

In the jungles of Guam, he carved survival tools and for the next three decades waited for the return of the Japanese and his next orders. and his next orders. After he was discovered in 1972, he was finally discharged and sent home to Japan where he was hailed as a national hero. Yes. He subsequently married and returned to Guam for his honeymoon. His handcrafted survival tools and threadbare uniform

are on display in the Guam Museum in Agon. Yep. I mean, that is dedication. I once left a restaurant the Guam Museum in Agon. Yep. I mean, that is dedication. I once left a restaurant after waiting for Aaron for 15 minutes. You don't have that Japanese discipline. No, and the irony was it was a sushi restaurant. Oh, boy.

Yeah, they're all like, talk to me when it's been 14 years. I actually know a lot about this because there, there were a bunch of these guys like it, like over 12 of these guys scattered on different islands. And I actually have a project and it's written and it's about the law. We might be the second longest holdout, but it was 30 years and it was on a Philippine Island. And I don't

know, I could talk about it for hours, but I'll just say that people finding it hard to believe the Japanese ethos and truly the national mantra was no surrender. And so you were taught through and through that there's no defeat. There's no defeat there's no sorry it's there's no surrender um and if you were defeated you would either take your own life or like on all those islands you would just charge when you knew you would be mowed down it was basically suicide by uh you know by the other by the other ranks so that sounds like trying to pitch a show about it yeah exactly so anyway the mentality of this guy on the island was what what do you mean there's a japan and we lost the war those two things can't exist yeah right there is no japan

if we lost the war so that was the mental block and then they were so disciplined they're like sorry it's a non-starter yeah and they're like telling this guy dude the fucking olympics were just in tokyo and he's like go fuck yourself yeah yeah right right yeah wow that what a mentality jesus i mean we lack that you think about the japanese you know what they're capable of with that mentality and i really worry about our kids they are the opposite of that oh my god no commitment no discipline oh they it's so soft. And we're so soft. Like how many times, but living in huts in the, in the, in the rainy season on Guam is like fucking four months.

And it's like, and I did all that research on this guy in the Philippines, the rainy season alone, and just dealing with disease that would come up and stuff. Anyway, I will promise myself over and over. I won't eat a fucking treat or i'll wake up early the next day and i will scream it at myself the night before and i can't do it yeah no you can't do it you have to say oh right you can't do it you piece of shit fucking

third time on the snooze button i think this guy i heard that this guy uh he went missing for three weeks as a kid because they forgot to tell him they stopped playing hide and seek fuck you and your ring olivio i'm not coming out uh yeah it's discipline man god damn it's really and that's the project i was like there, while it's crazy, there's something admirable. By the way, you kind of chuckled when you said he went back home and was treated as a hero. That's very interesting too. And what that's about is Japan was so shamed

because of everything I just said. This surrender, they did the exact opposite. And it did take a bunch of atom bombs but they did surrender and it was shameful and so they had very little heroic stories coming out of world war ii even though they had fucking killed it for a while yeah and so this was something that the people could cling on to as a heroic one of the only heroic stories you know coming out of world war ii right and they got parade they got these guys got parades yeah and everything yeah now i remember when uh i worked with a guy who was at the country club when i was a parking attendant this guy was the shoeshine none he was the locker room attendant and he had fought in world war ii and japanese

guys would come in to the locker room he wouldn't fucking he wouldn't talk to them wow he i mean you that generation fucking hated the japanese because fighting them, it was like, I don't think they could wrap their heads around the mentality of who they were fighting, that these guys, what they would do to win. There was also a lot of propaganda calling them monkeys and, you know, the classic propaganda where you convert your enemy into an animal. It makes it much easier to kill them. You don't think of them as human. Yeah, yeah. And so sneaky also, even when they were humanized, they were just unbelievably sneaky,

no honor and all that. Meanwhile, there was obviously an ad mixture. There was a lot of honor, but holy shit. I don't even know how the Chinese and Japanese can be in the same room with the shit that those two went through against each other it's it's it's crazy i'll tell you where there's some honor in those massage rooms where they got those cameras set up letters to the editor there's this section that's right here

scott larock says i can't believe i haven't sent this to you guys but meaning to do it i have a nine-year-old son and wanted to introduce him to the idea of the stock market so i found this site investopedia though i imagine there are dozens like it where you can do virtual stock market thing that is connected to the real market we got it so we got a million dollars to spend in whatever way we want. I thought this would be funny for you and Mike to do and easy to track and maybe even a way to link both of your Investopedia profiles on the website so people can keep track of it away from the show. I love it.

You want to do that? Can you short on it? Yes, I'm sure you can short on it. I've heard all that like you put up the you know the paper and you throw darts at it and odds are it'll go up and all that uh why don't we do three accounts we'll do one where you throw darts and then you will or we'll just let chris denman pick them same thing right and then we'll uh we'll compare. We're going to do it. Okay, we're going to do it.

Once again, this is one of those things that I declare on the show. You don't believe me. And then it happens. Oh, I haven't seen those. But good luck for your fucking kid who's killing it. He didn't buy Bitcoin two Fridays ago? He did buy Bitcoin. Oh.

Oh, no, actually, I don't know if he bought bitcoin suzy says i am listening to you and mike talking about blondie mike is trying to put his finger on an idea that my high school friends worked out in our dormitory hallway we were in boarding school in dobbs ferry just a stone's throw from you. Here is the phrase Mike is looking for. You can't rape the willing. What? I don't remember that. Either do I, but I guess I'm, I guess I'm always looking for that phrase. You're willing, right? You're willing? Hello? Speaking of which, didn't your mom go to that high school? I don't know. Your mom went to a boarding school in Dobbs Ferry called Dobbs.

Do you know that about her? I don't know that. Yeah, because I was friends with some girls from my town that went to that school, and then I was talking to your mom. Yeah, I forget how it came up, but she told me that she went to school she had a very bad experience she hated oh my god no she lived in the bronx and it was a five day a week boarding school like that a lot of you know catholic i think it was five days a week hackley which your brother and sister went to and i and my sister and then i went there for an old fated two years um that was five day boarding school also and that's right next door in tarrytown

no that wasn't a boarding school that was it did they have boarding and yeah they had borders yeah but you guys didn't not many not many at all i did not board there no yeah yeah it was it was boarding school you know what it was it was almost i think almost exclusively were new york city kids yeah so instead like, they just couldn't do that commute. It was a shitty school. They were super uptight. You do know, I told you the headmaster was, I've said this on the podcast because he came into our ninth grade class and he was really fat and so pompous and he, but he did say this, he goes,

it is this easy. And he, but he did say this, he goes, it is this easy. If you want to raise your score on the verbal SAT, read Charles Dickens. That's it. Read him. Doesn't matter which book, just read him. And that was Donald Barr's father barr the bar oh so he was donald barr what's his name the asshole uh justice just now oh um raymond barr no uh but it was bars it was his it was the justice's father wait what's barr's first name uh you're talking about the the the attorney general yeah the disgraced attorney general yeah william barr yeah so his father i guess was maybe it was ronald i guess anyway but he like his two sons i think they all went to columbia maybe but they were old and then old right wing intel they've got into the intelligence world also but they're old very white crusty um you know ivy league dudes gross yeah and they're all fat steve makawa said small correction to something mike brought up to science news about the robot with the gun

jesus every fucking letters about me all right go ahead that was assaulted by researchers while it was running on a target course mike was suspicious that it might have not been an authentic video of an actual robot he was right it isn't it's a boss town dynamic video made by visual effects company youtube channel called corridor digital i watched it i read this guy's letter i read steve's letter and it it's very very cool that he's you know you see the real video which i saw which is not real but the video and then you see the behind the scenes making of it and it's impressive yeah it's pretty wild these guys are having fun these geeks are having fun right now this is like such a golden age for people that are you know that that are capable with technology but by the way all the fake you know in in

working you know the whole tosh.o experience i got expert at at smelling out fake videos and there's usually a lot of tells not only technically but you the biggest one is the bad acting is usually is on all of them is usually the giveaway all right i know when when she tells her to roll over so they can uh massage the front of the thighs i always think i'm not buying the look on her face right now she doesn't seem surprised i'm not buying the look on her ass right now uh obituaries holy shit we got a lot to talk about and that's all folks sad week uh headline i've grown to love larry king Larry King. I used to hate him. I used to hate him too, and I grew to love him. Absolutely.

Yeah. He just became part of America. He interviewed 50,000 guests in his life. Also, talk about a guy from Brooklyn. I mean, crazy life you'll probably talk about here, but doing what he wanted to do. Just hanging. He opened Brooklyn Water Bag uh here in los angeles uh because he missed you know he missed new york

bagels and you know eight wives or married eight times i think it was seven wives he remarried one i believe yeah yeah i mean what does that say about somebody when they get married eight times? Is that a sign of just a fun guy that's living life that's staying true to himself? Or is that a guy who really is like, unable to be in a relationship and has some thing in his head that he has to be? I don't know. That's a good question um but do you remember i saw when i i mean you had one wife and you're like i'm out of the business i'm done you're never gonna get married again right i don't know i have no idea i'm learning to say i don't know a lot more uh but he first of all who's gonna get Dodger seat? He had right behind home plate.

Right, because they were the Brooklyn Dodgers when he lived in Brooklyn. So briefly, I went online when I read about poor Larry this morning. I remember there used to be parodies. He, in addition to being on air for our listeners who don't know, he had a newspaper column for years. And the craziest thing is i'm going to read you a parody one now but i swear to god this could be a real one like so anyway this is exactly exactly what his newspaper little columns would be um and they were all dot dot dot every thought yeah dot dot dot anyway but

here it was i wish freddie prince was alive today so we could both laugh some of the most beautiful women in the world work in diners sex after 60 may be a challenge but i like challenges if i had four awards to give i would give them all to the golden girls i cannot wait to see what the producers of logan's run are up to next teach a poor city kid how to love and you've made the world slightly better help i'm stuck on a ledge but i swear to god go find his real one i know that's what they're like yeah from my mom from my money Stallone's brother might be just as talented. Like I just made that up. Yeah. I swear to God, that's what they're like. Yeah. Yeah.

The I just did a thing. I recorded my Fitz dog radio podcast early. It comes out on Tuesday, but I recorded it yesterday. And I did a whole long thing about Larry King and I didn't know he was gonna die and I didn't even know he was sick apparently he died of maybe he died of coronavirus they didn't say officially he went into the hospital because of coronavirus he's been in the hospital over his life a lot but yeah I don't know if that is the killer but I was just talking about because I was talking about being quarantined and going down the rabbit hole with Norm MacDonald.

And that the funniest thing Norm ever did was when he was on with Larry King. And he says, and Larry goes, because Larry's famous thing was he would ask short, direct questions. And he says, so Norm, what's one thing people don't know about you? And Norm goes, so, Norm, what's one thing people don't know about you? Yeah. And Norm goes, well, Larry, I'm deep. I'm a deeply, deeply closeted gay guy.

And Larry stopped. You know, he would like look at papers and he just like whips his head up like, oh, I got fucking gold here. And he goes, you mean to say you're a gay man? And Norm goes, whoa, whoa, slow down there, Larry. I said I'm deeply closeted. And Larry goes, so that means you're very, very gay. And he goes, why would you say that? And it was like an Abbott and Costello routine. He's like, that's the last thing I'd say because I'm deeply, deeply closeted.

Right, right, right. And by the end, Larry's laughing laughing but he still doesn't get it and and so norm had like perfect norm did like 10 episodes of that show on i think it was called norm mcdonald's got a show on netflix yeah and he one of his 10 guests was larry king and it was so goddamn funny because larry would just go with it he didn't he was not in the joke most of the time but he just played along yeah million stories that's his thing yeah uh did you see the one where yeah norm had him on and larry goes let me give you some like great advice and he goes i as interviewer, I never learned anything while I was talking. And Norm, at the very end, says,

can I interrupt you for a second? So we also lost this week Phil Spector. Yep. Story, career. He worked with artists like the beatles ike and tina turner he was responsible for that wall of sound he spent 19 years to life for the murder of actress lana clarkson he was in prison also died of coronavirus oh um he started out with uh the ronettes be my baby the do run run by the crystals you've lost that loving feeling by the righteous brothers i mean on and on he was like one of the most influential music producers of all time um what was the album he did with the beatles i think he did their last album he redid let it be

oh yeah which i think well no he did let it be and then i guess there's two mixes of it uh so that he brought more oh right i think let it be was supposed to be more stripped down and he he put more um and oh god here come all the letters correcting me but i think he then put more uh instruments on it yeah and then paul mccartney disliked it and uh yeah so anyway he uh killed his killed his wife i guess right uh was it a girlfriend maybe his wife i don't know he was a very violent guy and treated women like shit he might have treated everyone like shit but especially women i remember joan rivers was talking about him and he was dating her hairstylist and had hit her with a gun or something

and uh and then at another point she invited him to a party i think before things went south south with the hairstylist and he showed up to the party with a gun and was threatening people and had to be removed like he was nuts for a long time no i think i think and i see it written down here but i remember this now that their sons also came out and that there was sexual abuse oh jesus yeah yeah under his care i don't know if he let people sleep with his sons uh i'm not sure exactly what it was but uh anyway monstrous behavior is the quote here good riddance douchebag but thank you for that wall of sound yeah i have to say it's one of those things where like can you still enjoy the prod

the creativity that the person produced or does that affect it this one's a little easier because he was just on the buttons like you know you know i'm the ron i mean that christmas album is amazing i know but the thing is when you hear that i think of him as much as i think of them like he was i probably had the most singular sound as a producer uh of any producer um and then finally uh hank aaron yeah one of the great home run hitters of all time he was uh he endured racist threats while chasing down and breaking baby's all-time home run record and still considered by many to be baseball's legitimate long ball king. He died on Friday.

He was 86 years old. Hammer and Hank. He beat Ruth's longstanding mark with his 715th career home run in 1974. Had a 23-year career mostly with milwaukee and atlanta uh his record stood until barry bonds broke it in 2007 yeah barry bonds had a little assistance i always thought they shouldn't have given them that to him right what do you think about the drugs in in baseball uh i mean yeah it's i think it's it's a complicated issue but it's clear to me i mean and bonds took so much of it i mean if you see the before and after photos i mean even the size of his head and you look at how many home runs he hit after they took the same with mcguire

once they started drug testing their fucking home runs went down by a lot he also had a lot of records he was the least still is the all-time leader in rbis extra base oh i did not know that wow yep he scored at least 100 runs in a record 13 consecutive seasons from 55 to 67 this is what i do this is what i do know what i've thought about he i saw some documentary or read something about, he was getting such, as you mentioned, these racist death threats. Because God forbid he was going to break15, and especially on the game that was upcoming, he got death threats that said, I will have you in the sights of my gun when you're in the batter's box. I am going to shoot you on the field. Like, multiple ones of these. It takes everything to hit a base. Like they, many people feel it's the hardest thing in sports is to hit a baseball and major league baseball. Yeah. You're up there with that on your mind.

Then by the way, you do pop it out of the park. You're rounding the bases and these two white guys start running towards you. Yeah. Right. And they just wanted to congratulate him and be in the picture and all that stuff but like just so crazy that that like these death threats multiple and that just uh it's just so ugly it's so ugly and you realize you look at him like guys like him and jackie robinson and a lot of the guys that came out of the Negro leagues that they were such pioneers, you know, Hank Aaron, by the way, didn't play high school baseball because they didn't allow black kids to

play baseball. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. You know, what they went up against for the love of the sport and it went beyond the love of the sport. They really knew they were doing something for, for, for their race. And what a hero. Hank Aaron. I do know this. When Hank Aaron hit his home run to break the record, the fielder who watched it go over the wall and over his head,

do you know who that player was? Lou Piniella. Bill Buckner. No. Yes, sir sir No shit Yep Wow I used to follow sports

Alright What do we got? We always cheer up after the obituaries With the Sunday Funnies Let's start off with my favorite the most legitimately funny i mean look there's people talk about calvin and hobbes people talk about the far side um as being the best comics of all time i will put laugh for laugh i will the Lockhorns up against any of them. Leroy comes home. He's got a briefcase in his hand.

He's scowling. Loretta is opening a bill, and she looks at him and says, maybe your company can direct deposit your paycheck to avoid the embarrassment. This guy's working his ass off he's fucking dying and he comes home you wonder why he shits on her at dinner uh hag of the horrible you know him he rapes but you love him he's got his gang of marauders and they're storming a castle. And in the castle window, there's the king and his very scared looking bride. And Hagrid says, ha, the Duke and Duchess see us rushing their castle for a second time this week. I wonder what they're thinking.

And then the next frame is the Duke and his wife. And she goes, at least it's not his family. And he's thinking, at least it's not his family and he's thinking at least it's not her family so their families must be pretty bad to prefer rape remember greg they both might be willing and you can't rape the willing as the phrase goes that's right that's why hager would always be like who's willing who? Then forget it. Next house. You're willing? Nope.

By definition, we have to be raping. That's right. Let that be a lesson to you, ladies. Yeah. And if you're going to give us your belongings, technically, you can't pillage the willing either. All right. Family circus. Do you want to talk about the brouhaha?

Family Circus. Do you want to talk about the brouhaha? We received almost countless emails that Family Circus played the exact, played, ran the exact same comic that they ran. When was it? 28 years ago so i would i would scream if my voice wasn't gone the the mom's on a chair with the daughter in the chair with her they're watching tv the little stupid kid comes in the son billy he comes in and he uh the daughter who's watching TV with the mom turns and yells at the stupid kid. Come and watch Billy. Look, it has his name there. Come and watch Billy. The president is going to be sworn at. All right.

So, OK, when this ran 28 years ago, no one at that time, I mean, someone, there must have been some feedback. Like, is that a rough draft? Like, is that a placeholder? a word that a kid would hear like what about like um uh what about the president is about to give a peach he's about like just pick any fucking word yeah and you could have written ten of these it's so it's crazy yeah but no then they have the gall the temerity to run it again yeah it's it's it's like hey i sold you remember when you wanted steak i sold you shit yeah it did remind me i actually thought of family circus the other day sadly uh i remember one of the first times i ever tried to buy pot it was for summary i was going you know why i was going into a concert at madison square garden and i was out there my friend morgan and we're like we're like uh guys like you guys want something weird like yeah yeah and then he morgan grabs it and it's in a bag and it's really fast and the guy disappears and it was oregano and that's what the family circus is like

it's oregano yeah you're under you've paid for a newspaper yeah you you open to a professional thing that's supposed to be providing you it's a service that this guy is getting paid for and this is supposed to be pot yeah bought pot you paid for pot the understanding is you get pot in this transaction yeah and it's some fucking dusty oregano shit yeah and then and then you go and then you go back and you forget that you bought pot from that guy and he sells you the same fucking oregano 28 years later and you fucking buy it shame on you newspaper this blew up on reddit by the way people were really outraged on reddit i know so here's a comment from uh todd on on reddit he says you sit down and read the paper and you're enjoying your entire two-page comic spread right then you get to family circus family

fucking circus bottom right hand corner just waiting to suck Circus. Family fucking circus. Bottom right-hand corner just waiting to suck. And that's the last thing you read, so it spoils everything you read before it. That's perfect. I don't even want to do the second one you have there. It doesn't matter. Oh, my God. Let's ignore the second one.

All right, let's bring it home with my girl. Oh, she delivers every week god bless her first frame dagwood is looking in the fridge he's whistling comes out with an arm full of food he says i'd be a sandwich maestro if i had two more arms now blondie who's upstairs in a green horizontally striped just a skirt that is sucked in her asshole you can see the crack you see the crack in her ass let me zoom in here let me zoom in and she's got a light it's kind of a crack of her legs her thighs but okay i'll give it to you she's got a light green a p a p colored uh angora sweater and green shoes and she's calling downstairs sweetheart

she calls him sweetheart when will she learn can you come upstairs for a minute dagwood like a fucking jerk off he's walking up the stairs with salami and plates and cheese in his arms what's up what's up and she goes i'm sorry dear i didn't know you were making a sandwich i only wanted to get your opinion of our new bedspread oh now this adult looks at it and goes it's nice and she goes why didn't you tell me you were in the middle of something he goes obviously i didn't want to lose my momentum and then he turns around and walks out besides why pass up an opportunity to show off my culinary agility blondie walks in the room and says after being married to him all these years you think i'd know that as she kicks back the skirt and fucking

furiously finger blasts herself because her man can't close clothes he can't open i mean how much more obvious can she be it's not just the outfit calling to him from upstairs that and that would be enough for me to race up throw the food to the ground and race upstairs to my pants around my ankles and he's hungry yeah come on now yeah oh she's willing a key word we've learned she's willing she's initiating yeah you know what it is she'd have to rape him he's unwilling yeah that's right busy making sandwiches for course what a juvenile thing also Mike we've just hit two hours it's time to wrap it up oh my god I didn't think I swear I was gonna let you read the I don't know where I'm probably gonna fade I'm gonna drop off a cliff as soon as we press stop on this uh by the way over the Christmas break we had a sale on the Grapefruit Simmons t-shirts and we sold out we

just got a new shipment they're in if you're looking for some uh look at that Grapefruit Simmons t-shirts and we sold out. We just got a new shipment. They're in. If you're looking for some Grapefruit Simmons action, go to fitzdogg.com. Also, don't forget the other podcast is Fitz Dogg Radio on Tuesdays and Childish on Wednesdays. Mike, anything to promote? No, I just, you know, people, the letters are so sweet. I know some people make it this far a lot. They love telling us the ones that do. But like, you know, some people are hurting out there. A guy wrote a beautiful letter about his alcoholism and then how you were really instrumental

and, you know, helping when you were talking about your recovery and stuff. And people just talk about, you know, us, you know us kind of cheering up what could be a sad day or whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. It's like, we do read those and God, I didn't know, we kind of don't, I don't think we know how much it means sometimes or that it's meaningful at all.

That's a better way to put it. Cause we're just kind of having fun doing it. So anyway, just thank you guys for um uh i guess you're welcome is that what i'm really saying you're welcome you're welcome for what we do and if you want to really thank us tell some friends about the podcast spread the word we're always looking to grow it you can check it out on youtube as well if you go just subscribe you don't even have to listen. That's what I would do. Right. All right. Uh, thanks to mid coast media, Chris Denman and Beth hoops who do a great job every week. And, uh, we'll catch you guys next week. Thank you.