Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 49 2/7/21

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

Mike places a $400 bet with Greg on the Super Bowl. We also cover German sperm, a Jamaican weed shortage and a Florida Man who really commits.   

Sunday fucking paper. Read all about it. Sunday fucking paper. I'm off the presses. Holy fuck. Read all about it. Jesus, holy. Read all about it.

Super Bowl Sunday coming up today. Joe Biden in office. Lot of executive orders. Fitz dog. Sounds like you're being tortured. All right. Hey, listen. Okay.

You want people to buy this fucking paper? Oh, yeah. I got to get the papers ready for the... Don't tell anyone. We don't really turn pages. There we go. How are you, sir? What a song. Looking good what a song good yeah that song was fucking great huh i emailed you back it sounds like we should be entering a cage to that music david chamberlain

who's a friend of the show does a lot of uh he's got a company called record la.com if you're looking for some uh some some audio work wow also our logo is and by the way it was kind of a revamp of Rob Duke's Sunday fucking paper song which was more punk rock even though this was pretty hard on its own right yeah our Gilligan's

Island logo brought to you by Craig Godet or Godet he says I always pronounce his name wrong he's done a number of these for us. It's Craig. And by the way, we're soliciting some new songs, new graphics. Send them in to fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Unbelievable how many people do this.

It's so great. It's so great. Yeah. All right. My voice is back. I can't believe that was a week ago. Was that a week ago? Yeah. Yeah. It was a week ago. Your voice is back. I can't believe that was a week ago. Was that a week ago? Yeah.

Yeah. It was a week ago. Your voice was gone. No. It actually was two weeks ago. Was it? Last week, I was getting ready for that memorial service for my stepmom. Right. So we rushed through it. Which was beautiful, by the way. We watched it. It was, I got to say, Malachi McCourt. I think people in New York really know him much more so than the rest of the country.

But he's a treasure. He's Frank McCourt's brother. And he's also an author who's wrote a book. He wrote Tiz, right? Wasn't that one his? Who? No, that's Frank also. Oh. He wrote A Monk Swimming. Oh, right, right. And then there's another one also. But he sang that that beautiful song about the mountain time or something.

Yeah. And Cynthia, my stepmother, heard him sing that at my uncle's wake. And it was just in a room in the Bronx. And then all of a sudden you hear this Irish song start up and everyone turns around and Maliki's just firing up this song. And, and at first you're like, this isn't going to work. And then like 30 seconds later, you're like, this is perfect. Like, Oh my God. And he belts it out. I mean, fist clenched, singing at the top of his lungs. It was really amazing. I wish I had that much life now. That guy's got to be 80 years old. You would put him to shame screaming like a moron at the top of this podcast every week. I think I heard my voice, actually. He also, of course, it should not go without saying, I mean, Maliki is kind of the star of the Pulitzer Prize winning novel, Angela's Ashes.

Yeah. Frank McCourt wrote that. But I'd say, I mean, obviously it's autobiographical. So, you know, Frank's writing about himself a lot. But so much of it was his younger brother, Maliki. Yeah. Who's like an, you know, incredible character. Owned a bar in New York, too, that was very famous. Like, you know incredible character owned a bar in new york too that

was very famous like you know in these like literary circles and stuff yeah that's the thing i miss about new york is that those places exist there's nothing in la that compares to like you know like kennedy's up on 57th street or mcsorley's or um jonathan swift's down in the east village like irish bars that they they don't i i think the the intelligence of your crowd is inversely proportional to the volume of the music in your establishment and irish bars they keep it fucking low because people are having conversations they're communicating communicating. And, uh, and I just missed that. I missed like a cold winter night where you slip into a fucking pub and, and you just sit there until they throw you out at two in the morning. And with the lower music, it's easy,

easy to hear when the fights start. That's right. Hit them again, boys. To throw their ass out of the fucking street. Um, no, there's so many. And Oh my God, New York. Are you kidding me? You're like, you know what? I want to go to Wolf's cause I'm in a German bar mood. And it's like, you know, whatever it is, New York has it, but there's also, it's just, it's first of all, it's a city. Los Angeles is not a city. It's a collection of these pathetic, ugly suburbs. But it's it's also New York is like the after work drink kind of doesn't exist in L.A. Yes. Some people try to get it going and they're usually younger people and all that. Of course, in New York, it doesn't stop once you're married and especially if now you have to go out to the suburbs like you meet for a drink before you run to that train at grand central you know like that's even if you are completely domesticated at that point even those people are still going out for after you know

after work drinks and we never respected people that lived in brooklyn because you lived in manhattan so that you could do that you could go from work to a to a drink after work to a fucking foreign movie at the film forum. And then a diner after that that's open 24 hours. You know, you just can't accomplish all that in LA and you're not driving. So you can do whatever you want. I remember, and I thought it was a pretty good analogy. New York, when I moved to LA and realized, oh god this is awful I was like you know what New York sort of is like it's like a giant hotel where everyone has their room but before they go up to their room like after work or whatever like they all drink in the lobby Manhattan's a giant lobby all right international especially international like visitors and people coming in uh business leisure you know all of that

is there but it's this giant lobby where everyone is drinking trying to meet people before going up to their rooms i would move back to new york city in a minute but my wife who grew up on the upper west side is done she never wants to go back would you go back oh yeah i think i think so. I mean, in a weird, well, it's very odd talking about New York now because it's changed so much and I guess there's a lot more crime is on its way up again and all that. But I would say it's never thought of as a retirement location, you know, because it's such a yeah, it's such a hard city in many ways. Like it's challenging and it's exhausting. But think about if you went back to New York.

All right. And you can't afford your apartment. There's no pressure with affording your apartment and you don't have a job. Like what a playground. Are you kidding me? Like, it's unbelievable. Like, oh, world. When I say world-class in everything I'm about to say, I'm saying either the best in the world or top two or three world-class opera, world-class stage, world-class music, world-class art. I mean,

world-class museums, almost every one of those. I'm thinking it's number one in the world and maybe two to Paris a couple of times. I don't know. Anyway, it's it's it's also the speed you go into a New York deli and you ask for a fucking ham and egg on a roll with cheese. Literally walk quickly to the cash register because it's going to be there by the time you pay. And people watching, it's like any major city in the world, world city, the people watching in New York is, I mean, just taking a walk in New York. And you can walk through so many distinct cultures, hearing the different languages. It's incredible. And also the sense of humor. People are sharp. You ever watch Billy on the Street, and he's in New York City and the reactions he gets from New Yorkers?

Yeah. They are, I mean, he's not the funny one. They're the funny ones. Yeah. Well, I told you that story. I was in New York and it's the most perfect thing ever. I went out and I was jaywalking

with this guy, like all of a sudden we're like, oh, that car's, the light is about to turn green and we decide to go knowing we kind of won't make it, but big deal, whatever. So we start going all the sudden, I don't know the guy at all. We didn't exchange any words. And all of a sudden, honk, honk, honk. Here's the guy next to me. And the guy just turns easy you're in a fucking Mazda like it had nothing to do with what was going on yet it

perfectly summed up like maybe know your place well that Nora Ephron documentary is fucking great because that's her that's her to a T she literally walks around the city like a curmudgeon. Oh, wait, are you talking about Fran Lebowitz?

Oh, what did I say? Nora Ephron. But Nora Ephron had a great documentary, too, about her writing process. Yeah, no, Fran Lebowitz. Yeah, with Scorsese. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah. It's so weird that her sister is Annie

Lebowitz. That's not true. Isn't that her sister? No Leibovitz. That's not true. Isn't that her sister? No, I don't think so. Yeah, I think it is. I think it is. There's no way. Absolutely positive.

It's her sister. Really? Yeah. You're positive? Positive. All right. You seem to be positive about a lot of things on this podcast. And then we get to a little section called corrections.

This one comes from Simon Brown. He says, I laughed really hard when Greg mispronounced the word mispronounced. Don't correct it. I enjoy it at the same way I listen to Bill Burr struggle to read the ads for his podcast. Jordan Fien then says, hi, Fitz, just want to let you know i was very amused when you mispronounced pronounced as pronounced when describing how someone corrected your mispronunciation of medellin and then also mispronounced the colombian capital as medellin it's not a tyler perry movie instead of correctly as medellin medellin yeah yeah again when correct yourself maybe work on your spanish or just send your kids to go pick up colombian coke next time don gilroy says chloris leachman on npr's fresh air

claim that mel brooks told her that blucher as as in Frau Blucher, means glue in German, hence the reason for the horse whinnies. However, this is not true. Blucher means bears no resemblance to German for glue. It's a common name. So that shouting Frau Blucher is essentially equivalent to shouting Miss Jones. Right. I heard about it. Yeah.

Some people were claiming it might be yiddish it's not even that apparently so it's a very well-known rumor that i fell uh prey to uh because i i had brought up that i had heard that and i think it is because mel brooks propagated it so uh yeah i think they i think i read why then did the horse win it, because it was kind of like it was their version of dun-dun. It's like maybe Frau Blucher. It's like dun-dun. Instead, it was like, they put the horse in there. Well, yeah, it was just the idea that she's, what does she do to this horse when nobody's around?

All right. I like that, too. Tour dates have been canceled for February and March. However, March 25th. Shocking. Yeah. March 25th through 27th, I'll be at Raleigh's, at Good Nights in Raleigh. And then I'll also be in San Francisco and Philadelphia coming up after that. Go to FitzDog.com.

Get your tickets now. Don't hesitate because there's no way they'll be canceled. Well, I think they won't be. I mean, you know, who knows what's going to happen with these variants. But, I mean, Main Street, Santa Monica, packed. Back in business. And it was packed this morning, by the way. Like, everyone brunching out there.

It's, of course, outdoor dining only, but pretty crowded. Yep. The upper do. All right, let's get to it. The upper do. All right, let's get to it. The front page, people. Extra! Extra! We all about it!

Extra! There it is. All right. All right. Speaking of the virus. Which we do. A Corona hug tent provided a safe embrace at a Colorado elderly home. It had been at least eight months since Linda Hartman touched her 77-year-old husband, Len,

who has dementia and has been at an assisted living center in suburban Denver for the year. Thanks to a hug tent, Linda got to squeeze her husband, albeit while wearing plastic sleeves and separated by a four millimeter thick clear plastic barrier. So basically this thing is like a body condom for hugs. But Linda goes on and you would think it was a lot more than just a hug when she goes on to describe it. Quote, I really needed it. I really needed it. The 75 year old said after her brief visit,

it meant a lot to me and it's been a long, long time. I wonder if she's getting turned on by him or is it the plastic? Is she going to go home to her Florida house and finger blast on that plastic covered sofa now? Well, I'm wondering if she got finger blasted through four millimeters of plastic in the home. I don't know what's going on here, Linda. Yeah. Yeah. I think they put a fly on it, on the bodysuit.

There is a fly. You can get it done. And, you know, listen, Len may have dementia, but he ain't forgetting Linda's titties. Shout out to Dave Attell. Can we even do that? Repeat that a tell bit? What is it? I'm probably going to slaughter it.

Sadly, I'm not going to slaughter the parts that I should change. But it was something like he talks about blacking out, getting blackout drunk. And he goes, or as I call it, time travel. By the way, I am absolutely slaughtering this. And I'm just getting to the one part I know. But it was basically like you start out at a bar. Next thing you know, you're in another bar. Next thing you know, you're in Atlantic City.

Like, next thing you know, it's four years later, and you're working at McDonald's, and you have a crush on the retarded girl who's working the fryer. She might be retarded, but her titties ain't retarded. That is not me. That is the great Dave Attell, and I definitely slaughtered it, but that R-word is in there. A couple of McNuggets later,

I'm back at her place doing her doggy style. That wasn't the plan, but that's the way she passed out. Nice. The collected works of never to be said again, David to help material. Oh, wait here.

Chris put it up there. I think you kind of nailed it. Oh boy. I'm all over the place. Yeah. Maybe I did. All right. Yeah.

I don't think we have to go back into it. Yeah. All right. All right. Next story. Okay. Sorry. Oh sorry well well sorry i was still reading that it tells what is it man california man could be the new florida man was arrested saturday and accused of hiding in chicago's o'are International Airport for three months. The man told police that COVID-19 had rendered him too scared to travel home to California.

Oh, yeah. So I'll stay in an airport for three months. Yeah, let me stay in Chicago O'Hare. But not to blow the ending. He does not catch COVID. So if you want to rest assured about traveling, the dude spent three months in an airport, did not catch COVID. And constantly begging people for stuff. Yeah, he survived on food provided by strangers.

They spotted the 36-year-old Aditya Singh and requested ID. They said he removed his mask and presented a badge which belonged to an airport operations manager reported missing October. So he faces criminal trespass. Bail was set at a thousand dollars. The judge said if he came up with the money, he would be prohibited from returning to the airport. He does not have a criminal background. He has a master's degree in hospitality and is unemployed. Unemployed. After three months, you couldn't get a job at Cinnabon? Yeah.

I mean, you're in hospitality. Right. Come on. So he can't go back to the airport. So now he's going to spend the next three months in a Greyhound station. If I'm, yeah, why couldn't he? Exactly. And now they're not letting him back to the airport. That's not a good way to get

rid of them yeah right uh california man at least has unlike florida man man men's uh california california man will be all stories about california men who are out of state yeah um i don't know why uh if i'm in an air, are you? I mean, I know we both like to get to airports, quote unquote, on time, which means just enough time to get on the plane. If I'm in an airport for more than an hour, it's so depressing to me. love it i fucking love airports i love the people watching i love the energy people it's like new york city everybody's got somewhere to go there's some pace to it you know even the concessions are fast it's the only place in la where there's any fucking speed at restaurants is at airports now there's a ton of depressing people who don't know how to travel, who don't know how to do seemingly anything. And if you're in O'Hare, I don't know, I'll sound so mean saying this, but there's something to me that bums me out on how incredibly fat Americans are. Yeah.

Listen, I'm not knocking a person who has trouble with their weight. But when it's like like finding someone who's not obese is like where's Waldo in O'Hare? And also does not affect the clothing. I think I think Lululemon should have a fucking scale and you have to weigh in to buy yoga pants. They're not for everybody. Yeah. So I don't know. There's something about that. And then everyone, by the way, pre-virus, I remember being on planes, and you know me, I'm the furthest thing from a germaphobe,

but I'm like, honestly, does everyone have a wet cough in this fucking country? That's all I'm hearing is rolling coughs everywhere I look. Yeah. It just, I don't know, bums me out. I don't know. I should ask myself why it bums me out, but I just wish we weren't so gluttonous and unhealthy. Yep. Well, and I'm not a picture of health. I'm just saying though, I think other people should be. You lost a lot of weight in the last, wait, why did you

lose weight? Was it because of your throat? Yeah, well, I started, you know, with the advice, by the way, to everyone, but especially if you have like reflux, which is still baffling to me, is try not to eat three hours before bed. Just that move alone does a lot of the work for you. Yeah. I also think my body didn't want to be fat. I just said, shut up. I'm going to show you what I can do for about 25, 30 years.

And then once I was like, I'm not going to eat like an idiot, all of a sudden things went well. But you don't even exercise very much, do you? No, and I really should more, of course. You're going to play some paddle tennis this week? For the brain, for the tear. Yes, we're doing that. Commit to it.

Done. I've been out there with Owen kicking his ass. It's so fucking frustrating to play your 20-year-old son in paddle tennis. Because when I play you or Matt Malloy or whoever, like, I hit a drop shot. I just turn my back and walk away. Because I know you probably won't even try whereas with owen no matter where i put the ball he fucking gets there so fast i mean he was a former soccer player yeah but i mean and he's just got the eye hand coordination that

i never had he has picked this sport up so fast. He's probably played it 20 times in his life, and I actually have to play him pretty hard to win. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Normally, you turn your back on your drop shots because they've hit your side of the net. So it's a safe bet. All right. Let's talk about Balloon Boy. Okay. This is a story from a decade ago, but it's back in the news. Yeah, why? Balloon Boy captivated TV audiences in 2019 as the parents of a six-year-old. 2009.

What did I say? You mispronounced it. 2019. What percentage do we get right, actually? I don't know. Just pronounce UFO right. I think that'll be an easy one. Kid's name was Falcon, ironically.

He was reported to be taken away in a large UFO-like balloon thousands of feet in the air. News media helicopters tracked the balloon. National Guard sent two helicopters in a rescue attempt. Denver Airport temporarily closed as thousands awaited news of the boy's fate. Falcon's parents, Richard and Mayumi Heen, told authorities he was accidentally carried thousands of feet into the sky in a homemade weather balloon experiment gone wrong. But, but, Mike Gibbons, after the balloon landed, authorities did not find Falcon inside. Instead, he had been hiding in a box in the family attic the entire time.

Parents pleaded guilty to a hoax. On Wednesday, the governor pardoned the parents, scrubs their records clean and allows Richard, who is convicted of a felony, to vote and pursue a general contractor's license. So he's going to be. Oh, good. Richard can vote. Richard has a say in our elected officials with the way Richard operates at home. Good. Only for higher office. Yeah. He's going to be a great contractor. Listen, you're going to love this attic I put together for you. It's got a kid's bed, a toilet, totally soundproofed. And I put in a skylight in case you want a good view of, you know, whatever's floating by. I remember I was on a late night show. I don't even know which one. And we were doing that story. And I was very excited, you know, because it recalls the famous guy who went up in a lawn chair with all the balloons

and with a, with a gun, like a BB gun. And when he got too high, he would start shooting balloons. So I'll just leave it to all our listeners to fact check that but that whether it's true or not is a very famous story he went up in like one of those crappy chaise lounges yeah with balloons tied all around it this is pre-drone he was a drone before drones that's the kind of shit you think of while you're high oh think of that guy i mean i'd like to paint a picture where he's just like uh yeah hi but also so so bored yeah and it's a big like i wonder if you think and i'm gonna try it right and then it's like but i really need to think it through that's right gun let me bring a gun with me i I think I thought it all through now. And then he gets up there

a thousand feet in the air. Fucking forgot the BBs. God damn it. Also the oxygen's getting a little thin up here. Let's go international. Oh, wait.

I'm so professional. I'm just checking my levels, and I think they've been a little hot. All right, go ahead. You go ahead. Oh, international, man. Are you kidding me? Jamaica's marijuana shortage, which I did not know about, has been branded a, quote, cultural embarrassment. Bad weather, coronavirus restrictions on night farming, and a drop in the

number of farmers has led to a marijuana shortage in Jamaica. It's a cultural embarrassment, said Tristan Thompson, a consulting and brokerage firm for the country's legal cannabis industry. It's so funny. I have thought about that. In a related story, Jamaica's GDP jumped 375% this past quarter. They're slightly more productive. Yeah, it's now, it's about today, not manana. 75% this past quarter. They're slightly more productive. Yeah. Now it's about today, not manana.

The entire country woke up and was like, what is this shitty music that's playing all the time? This music kind of doesn't go anywhere. It's just a really chill beat. And I don't know. It doesn't make me want to get out there and tie balloons to a Shea's Lounge. Yeah. And tankers filled with Doritos and Twinkies have stalled out in the docks.

It really will change. Imagine if all of a sudden there was none. It would change things. Crime is up. Yeah. All that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be interesting to see if crime goes up or down.

It's funny because kids today will have no memory that, like, Jamaica, like, can't compete with American weed now. You know what I mean? But it used to be the, you know, the story about Jamaica, you know, was obviously these giant joints. Right. And it was a source. And I'm sure a lot of it then, you know, obviously was shipped into the country and stuff.

And there was always Hawaii, Maui, Waui and all that stuff. But now it's like kids are going into their closet. Yeah. Did I tell you, so at BU, the rugby team who you knew a lot of the guys. So we went down to play on spring break. We went down to play rugby in Jamaica and we were in Kingston, the country's capital and playing their national rugby team. So they, we get in the first night and first I'll tell you about the rugby part, but we were not fit to play, which is what I'll tell you in a second

from the night before. But they had us play at like 1 p.m. or something like that. We get out there. It was, I think, 100 degrees or more. It was so hot on the field. And they ran circles around us. And it was a very different, like Americans don't play rugby well. Americans kind of bring a football element to it. We're way more physical.

And, you know, we had Brits on the team and they would constantly like telling us like, it's about not getting hit. It's about using their momentum to take them down. You're not trying to stick them and put them on his back because that's going to hurt you and waste your energy and all that stuff. So anyway, um, we then have a second match with them the next day. And we were, they killed us and we were furious. We're like, fuck this.

They're like a one o'clock again. We're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see you here. And we show up at four because it was cooler then. And we just beat the,

we, we did the opposite. We went so physical. We never let them run. We, we did the opposite. We went so physical. We never let them run. We tap, we basically were grabbing every fucking one of them constantly. And, uh, and luckily we got our revenge. Now, the first night we get there talking about the, the stereotype and the reputation that Jamaica had, it was like, we got to get weed. And we're like, all right, go out. How do we get weed? We're staying in like this motel slash condo place. And we just sent three guys out to get weed.

They came back with a half gallon milk carton. You know, those cardboard things, like five inches by five inches and a foot tall, packed. And the guide goes, you just go, he goes, just take this. And it was like 10 bucks and you can fill it as you can pack it as much as you want no shit yeah and they went in and they did that so we get it back to the room and we're all like well how the fuck are we going to smoke it and everyone's like oh i could carve an apple oh i got the fucking toilet paper everyone had their own theory on on how we would smoke it and none of us brought shit on the plane so what we wound up doing is we just put it in the sink and just lit it all on fire.

And we closed all the windows and we put rolled up towels against the door cracks. And the whole room was a smoke out. That's amazing. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. They, um, yeah, I mean, as part of the Rastafarian culture.

I don't think it's illegal there, is it? I don't know. That's a good question. I mean, it was everywhere. How was the body odor in those scrums? Yeah, no, that was, that was, that happens with the Europeans as well, though. But yeah, no, it was, it was not good. Not good. They Europeans as well, though. Yeah. But yeah, no, it was not good. Not good. Yeah, yeah.

They were very good, though. I do have to say that. We basically cheated to beat them. Now, it's not another country, but it might as well be. Let's get to some Florida, man. Oh, and I read some letters. People want to hear our newspaper crinkles. So let's keep those little music stings separate from these beautiful.

Here's another one, a bonus one. Florida Man, according to Newport Ritchie, I love that name just because I think most psychos are named Ritchie or most Ritchies are psychos. That's a better way of saying it. According to Newport Ritchie Police, 22-year-old Matthew Levman was arrested early Sunday morning after he twice called 911 to find a ride home. According to a court complaint, which notes Lefham cursed at the call taker during the call. The arresting officer said he offered to call Lefman a taxi, but Lefman said he didn't have money and began walking home. Lefman then called 911 a second time to ask for a ride. Bad customer service. The complaint states, and the officer arrested him. Leatherman was charged with misuse of the 911 system, as well as possession of marijuana.

Of course. Of course he had marijuana. But that is not the story. his mugshot, which shows on his forehead a very dark, bold, incredibly defined tattoo of the state of Florida right between his eyes and up onto his forehead. Look at that thing. Yeah. He's the Harry Potter of rednecks. If you are listening to this podcast, it is a black,

solid black shape of Florida that begins like the, the keys are right between his eyes and it goes up to basically almost mid forehead where the panhandle is. Yeah. I mean, that's a commitment. I think every time, even that tattoo artist is like, all right, listen, pal, I, uh, it's not me. I mean, I just gave us, I just tattooed 13 swastika tattoos in the form of a necklace around a guy.

But I, I think this one's going to be regrettable. Yeah. I can't do this one for ethical reasons. I can't do this one's going to be regrettable. Yeah, I can't do this one. For ethical reasons, I can't do this one. Now, in this guy's defense, he went in for a tattoo of the state of Texas, but he couldn't afford it. Which actually brings up the point. How cool would it be to shave your head and tattoo a globe on your head? Interesting. Just so you can keep the time zone straight. Keep the time zone straight.

I think it'd be great. Great teaching tool for the kids that you've abandoned. If you ever see them again. Yeah. Daddy, I think you have a little melanoma in Southeast Asia. Now, is that an archipelagio or do you have cancer, dad?

No. Imagine, though. Imagine if this was his birthmark. If you have a birthmark that's Florida, like, get the priest. They're going to be like, forget the three sixes. This is the mark of the beast. Right, right. Yeah, they have to stab you in the heart.

They have to feed you to the alligators. Yeah, if there's going to be a book of Florida Man, which I think there probably is because there's a website, this is the cover. He has to be on the cover. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's never going to get, hey, where are you from?

Never. All righty. And he'll never get, where are you going with your life? Yeah. Um, that's, that's remarkable. I want Trump to get that now that he's trying desperately to be a Florida man. I really, I wonder if anybody's ever gotten a tattoo of the globe on their head. It just seems like it's just sitting there waiting to happen. on their head. It just seems like it's just sitting there waiting to happen.

Yeah. Alright, I bet we're going to get some answers. We could Google it at some point. Yeah. Alright, let's do some entertainment. Man, we're flying through today, Mike. Holy shit. I'll slow it down. I'll slow it down.

I'll slow it down. All right, what do you got? Oh, we were going to talk about Pan's Labyrinth last week. Pan's Labyrinth, which I watched with my daughter. I forget why, but I secretly— Bonding? I secretly ate five grams of edible marijuana, and thank God I did, because, man, do you want to go for a ride with this movie? You just got to you just let go into it.

It is it takes you to some. I mean, it's like it's like Gabriel Marquez, whatever. It's it's that it's that Latin magical realism. Right. that uh it's that latin magical realism right and uh it's part fantasy part real and it's dark it's super dark but at the same time it's it's got a light that breaks through it it's incredible well you have to remember the fairy tales were incredibly dark and so they're rooted in that and whatever not to go off on my silence the lam lambs thing, but, you know, Freudians, especially, uh, uh, I'm it's not expressed, many of them have these tremendous natural fears of abandonment. So you have Hansel and Gretel.

But Hansel and Gretel was crazy dark. The stepmom convinces the new dad, let's kill your kids. We're going to kill your kids. You're going to go dump them in the woods. Yeah. Kids, that's what that's. We're going to kill your kids. You're going to go dump them in the woods. Yeah. Or like how many kids that their parents remarried and they've got an evil stepmom who is not treating them well at all, but treats her own kids extremely well. Like that's that's a real thing.

That is a real thing. Luckily, I escaped that. I wouldn't say I was. We were mistreated. Were you treated? We were treated below her biological children, for sure. Yes, you were. Yeah. But some of that's hard to remember because she really did, that problem got better.

Yeah. For sure. All bad parents become great, great, great grandparents. Aaron's dad was not a great dad, but man, was he a good grandfather. Oh, please. My mom with my kids, it's like I come in, she's down on the floor playing with them. When did you learn to do that? Would it have been easier to get on the floor when you were 30? The only time I've seen kids things on the floor and a kid down there is you, above, screaming, pick up your shit. Right. Yeah.

Totally. So that was great. Highly recommend. I mean, it's an old movie, but I'm giving it a shout out. And then more recently, I already talked about part one of the Tiger Woods documentary. I think it's on hbo and i'm sorry to people that don't have hbo because you know look it's it's it's an expense not everybody can afford but uh but i can so i'm going to talk about it i can't right now

it depends on if these dates happen in the spring whether or not i'll continue my hbo subscription um but the part two of it takes a turn. The part one is like a nice, it's not nice, it's a very truthful, raw look at his relationship with his dad, and it sort of tails off with how fucked up his dad was. But man, part two, it just goes deep into what a sexual freak he is. And with, by the way, Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. Those were his boys.

They went into Vegas. And there's these women, probably men too, but I think mostly women, that are like VIP concierges. And you just hire them, and they just get you pussy. They get you into the clubs. They tell you which clubs you're going to. They make sure you're on the guest list. They make sure you've got a booth, table service.

Make sure that there's a dozen beautiful women there that are all ready to go. And they keep it all low profile so that people can't see what's going on. And that's what he did every weekend, that he wasn't playing golf. He was in Vegas with these guys. Yeah. I thought it was kind of, they were trying to point out how new to it and naive he was. Yeah. And, you know, he was still acclimating, you know, to his fame still and having problems.

And he, like, asked, like, Barkley or Jordan. I think it was Jordan. He asked Jordan. And, like, they're in a VIP. And it's like, girls, you want to come party with these guys? And, you know, all of a sudden their booth or whatever is filled with girls. And he's like, what do I say to them? And Jordan's like, ah, you tell them you're Tiger Woods.

It's pretty, it's pretty easy. Yeah. Yeah. That's all you have to say. Yeah. And at one point, like Tiger had 10 women in his room at the same time. And and a lot of it tied into his father's relationship with women, which is he cheated on his mother, which was very traumatic for Tiger because he loved his mom. And then and then you just see him. He meets this amazing woman. This wife of his was so great.

And then he just fucking shits all over her and their kid and i here's what i love is they ask him in an interview about family and he goes on about how family is the most important thing in the world and it's all i care about and you just realize every celebrity when they say that i just want to go fuck you shut the fuck up you were on a movie set six months of the year away from your kids you don't get to now say it's the most important thing in your life you can't you can't play golf you can't be gone every fucking week all year and say your kids are the most important it's not everybody has to say their kids are the most important thing to them just be honest and say my wife is an amazing woman

because i can't be there a lot you, golf is the number one thing for me. And thank God she's there. Say that. Yeah. Occasionally we'll see a very honest Oscar speech. Like, and of course I just have to thank them because they're so patient and allow me to be this self-obsessed, you know? Right. Right. Um, so yeah, I thought it was, I thought it was a very interesting but you know i kind of like him more now uh especially the very ending you know i didn't realize that comeback you know i don't really follow golf but two years ago or whatever that that was extraordinary him winning it was the masters again right 2019 masters he hadn't he hadn't won

in a long fuck he hadn't won a major in a long fucking time and to go back to the masters which is where he first explained i think it was his first major that he won and he was very young at that time and how excited people were that this guy, you know, could, could do it at that young age. And then to see him as one of the oldest guys to ever win the masters. And you sort of felt like America as well,

but you know what? America is ready to take them back, but they also fucking, they went from loving him to completely rejecting him when he had his problems. And all his sponsors dropped him. All these guys that love Tiger Woods. Oh, Cadillac and Rolex. They were all up his ass.

He's the greatest. And the second there was any kind of problems, they dropped his ass. And now everybody's back again, but he's a little bit world weary about it. You know, Norm MacDonald has that great bit. Everyone should look it up, uh, on Tiger Woods, you know, and how, you know, everyone's vilifying him exactly what you were saying when it turns out, is he really the sex addict that Norm breaks it down to how many opportunities he's like, do you think he has to cheat versus the average man, you know? And then how often is he exercising that compared to like, you know,

the average man would bat about a hundred percent cheating given one opportunity. Anyway, it was really funny. Right. Right. Yeah. It was very interesting about his dad and yeah, I had a theory also about his injuries, you know, and I'm probably wrong, but some guys you're just like, you know, you weren't built to be that big. You weren't built to have that much like muscle. And you, that's what happens with a lot of these injuries with guys who are absolutely, you know, some even running backs or whatever, like whether it's the hamstring pull or whatever, it's like you're, you're pulling your ligaments off of your bones. You're pulling, you're pulling tendons

way harder than they're meant to be. Now, obviously there's probably a way to do it balanced where you're strengthening everything along the way. But after a certain point, even your bones aren't meant to have this incredibly strong, this strong of a machine around it. Now it's like, uh, this kid, Clem McCann, when I was growing up, he put a fucking Corvette engine into a goddamn AMC Gremlin, you know, just that's a perfect analogy. Yeah. Yeah.

So your tiger, all of a sudden you have this giant V frame, really big shoulders and this torque you're putting on your knees looking up at you like, what are you doing? Exactly. Exactly. Well, and then he got into this whole thing where remember he was he was training with the Navy SEALs. seals yeah and apparently benching like 350 and it's like i think the reason why he was great was i'm a firm believer that he was doing yoga when nobody else was and i think that's why he was so great not only physically but mentally yoga really trains you to focus and let go golf is all about letting go it's about forgetting about that bad shot you just had, because the moment you start thinking I'm playing bad today, now you're playing bad today. Right. It's also about just absolutely forgetting and putting out of your mind, your family for about four hours, maybe even longer if you drink after it and then do it again the next day. There's my weekend. Back to work. We have so many fucking...

I will come back from golf, and my wife will be like, hey, how's Jeff's wife doing with the cancer? And I'll be like... Shit, I knew I forgot something. He birdied seven. So she must be doing okay. He made a 12-footer on the 18th,

so I'm sure she's fine. His girlfriend's healthy. She carried his clubs. All right, I watched the documentary, oh boy, on HBO. Sorry, listeners without HBO. But Sophie and I wanted to watch something, and so I clicked on it. I'm like, let's give it 10 minutes, see if we like it.

It's called Fake Famous. The premise, which you learn immediately, is a New York Times journalist who would write about media for the Times does this experiment. and they're looking for three people who want to be influencers. They want to be very, very popular with lots of followers on Instagram and, uh, and get free stuff, you know, sent to them and take free trips and all that. Anyway, that's the premise. And it is, it gets pretty interesting. Uh, it's the pulling back the curtain. And like, I didn't know super famous like Kim Kardashian. I didn't know naively, I guess, how many bots she has. They're estimating over half her followers are not real. So even those people who get, you know, 500,000 for one mention of a product, which I think Kim got like that, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, he goes into it and he breaks down why the money knows that that's true, but they're just not caring now. So anyway, they try to make these three people and you learn a lot about how fake, and I know I sound completely too naive saying this, but you learn how fake so many of these influencers are. Not just fake, and that's why the word's in the title. Not just fake like they're a fake celebrity, right? And they're fake famous, as the title says.

But all the real lies in their posts. Because I thought most of them are. They're getting their trip to Tulum. Yeah, now they have to pay them back. So now they they're getting their trip to Tulum. Yeah. They're there. Now they're, they have to pay them back. So now they're Instagramming like crazy from Tulum. Well, what you learn is like, they didn't even go to Tulum. Oh, no shit. Really? That's where it's interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Of course many of them do. Don't get me wrong, but you would, when they're trying to make it to that tulum level uh there's a lot of lying

yeah dude i um you know aaron works in a doctor's office and so they they have a subscription to people magazine for the waiting room and now they they got rid of them all or they don't put them out anymore because i guess you're not supposed to so she brought home people magazine let me tell you something i couldn't fucking put it down because it's pictures of people's weddings and stuff and i i didn't know i cared and it's it's amazing the amazing thing is that these people sell photos i'm trying to think of whose wedding it was oh of course no and the first pictures of the baby. Yeah, there was a picture. There were pictures from what's her name? Pam Anderson's new wedding. This is her fourth wedding, by the way. And she and it was like so they escaped up to Canada to some small town of British Columbia where her grandmother's from. And she bought the house up there and they're having the wedding there.

Keep it private, 20 guests. And here's all the photos. They didn't escape People magazine or that contract. But how much money? She probably made $10 million for selling those photos. It has to be her last hurrah on that type of stuff. Are you kidding me? How does she look, by the way?

I couldn't tell from the photos. She had a veil on. Unlike you, I did not read People Magazine yet. Also, People Magazine does all the celebrity... Don't judge me. They do all the celebrity stuff, and then, of course,

and it's like, and at least one, like, missing white woman or white woman killed by her husband. Right, right, right. Just to keep everybody interested. And there's always like, they're just like us. And you see like Julia Roberts.

Do you remember when you lived on 80, was it 88th Street? Yeah, I did. Yeah, you're right. It was exactly 88th. Yeah, when you lived on 88th Street, well, I remember because I used to crash on your couch every week for a couple years and uh i remember one time you one of your roommates it might have been brickner called there was a bagel shop on the corner oh yeah was it second avenue uh i know it might have been lex right there yeah so he called and he goes dude dude, Julia Roberts is here. She's walking her dog.

And I was like, holy fucking shit. So we run to it and he's like, she's walking right past. So we run to the window and we look out and her dog took a shit. And we watched Julia Roberts bend over and pick up dog shit. And I remember thinking, I don't know what I would want to see more than that. That was so degrading. You left out the part. You're like, where is it?

And then it was like, she's walking down the street and running to the front, whipping open the blinds. Like almost, like she then saw because we were on the ground floor. And all of a sudden, blinds get ripped open. And then there's three fucking bros looking, staring right at her. Yeah. One little story. The secret, explosive Woody Allen doc series is coming out to HBO. Coming out on where?

HBO? Are we sponsored by HBO? We should probably give out our God, to HBO. Coming out on where? HBO? Are we sponsored by HBO? We should probably give out our HBO password to people. In a move to spark controversy, HBO is bringing an explosive investigative documentary series about embattled filmmaker Woody Allen to the screen. It's directed by Oscar-nominated documentarians, and it's going to be a four-part series titled Alan vs. Pharaoh.

Sorry, my reading's bad today. They could also call it everything you wanted to know about sex with my daughter, but were afraid to ask. I wonder how many people know that's a reference to one of his movie titles. So where are we here? It goes behind decades of sensational headlines to reveal the private story of one of Hollywood's most notorious and public scandals. The accusation of sexual abuse against Woody Allen involving Dylan, his then seven-year-old daughter with Mia Farrow. And then, of course, it's the subsequent custody trial and the revelation of Allen's relationship

with Mia Farrow's daughter, Suni Previn. I am really interested to see this. So I haven't finished his book yet, but I really do enjoy reading it. It's on my bedside table and I fall asleep to it too often, but I should just knock it out. But I really, from everything I've heard, I think he's innocent. He's not innocent of marrying Mia Farrow's daughter. Don't get me wrong there. That didn't help his case. But this Dylan thing, thing i mean two trials have looked at it and multiple investigations i do listen i am biased i do want him to be innocent of course i mean you know but i really am rooting for that more than the average person

because i'm such a fan and my daughters unlike, unlike your... Fan of pedophilia? Unlike your kids, my daughters won't watch his films because of it. Oh, God. And I'm like, you're judging him before knowing the facts. Yeah. What about Walt Disney? Why don't you stop watching all Disney movies?

Guy was a fucking Nazi. Well, my kids are half Jewish, so half of them you know they watch half his stuff or they watch every movie halfway through um so yeah i don't know what uh what are your i do remember trying to separate the man from the artist well i mean here's the thing about something like this and you know i think it's very tricky because no no case of pedophilia should ever go unpunished. And I think the main the main reason being you don't want it to ever happen again. But as far as I know, it never did happen again. If it did happen this one time, it never happened with anybody else in his entire life, which is always like a big red flag. There's a lot of red flags. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a red flag also that the memories of it changed. There was a big effort by Mia Farrow to put thoughts into Dylan's head. And again, I don't want to dismiss this because if it, but I just think it's been so long and there's so many extenuating circumstances that you kind of have to just write it off. And some of the kids have come to Woody's defense, even though they've lived in that household with an incredibly angry Mia Farrow, you know, at him and for many justifiable reasons. So anyway, I'm interested to see where this documentary comes out. What's the most interesting thing to me is who's his son?

That's very with the Me Too movement and the Ronan. So Ronan Farrow takes journalism very, very seriously. He won the Pulitzer, I think, for his article about Harvey Weinstein. And did he really? He did win the Pulitzer? Absolutely. Positively. The big thing about him, and he was coached very heavily on this during it, was this.

I mean, you are about to take down very, very powerful people. And these are like, it is hard. Like, you will ruin these people for life if you're right, and you'll also ruin them for life if you're wrong. Right. Exactly. In addition, you're going to ruin your life if you're wrong. Right. Exactly. In addition, you're going to ruin your life. Right. If you're wrong. So you have to do the most invest thoroughly investigative, uh, you know, exploration into this and, um, make sure you have all your ducks in a row. So this guy who thinks that way and walks the walk is convinced Woody's guilty.

Yeah. So that's very interesting to me because this is not only close to home, it's in Ronan Farrow's home and he has his mom. And I think a lot of journalists would say it's 100 percent impossible to be objective if you are too close to a story. Right. Even if you know how to be objective and you've been coached and trained and schooled and you practice it, when it's too close to home, you don't realize all the blind spots you have. So I'm interested to see, I don't know. I mean, I don't know if Ronan will be a part of this.

interested to see i don't know i mean i don't know if ronan will be a part of this he especially won't be a part of it if they're documenting and finding out more often than not that he might not be guilty of this directors really are interesting people they they are outliers they're usually brilliant they think differently from other, which is why they're so great at directing. But man, a lot of, uh, a lot of fucked up behavior, you know? Well, by definition, directors are self-indulgent. Yeah. This is their vision. Yeah. Their boss. Um, so, and they, you know, uh, get their way, you know? and, um, and also, yeah, it must be, if you're a successful director and, you know, Woody Allen is one of the most successful ever. If, if you're going to judge it by just who has an Oscar even, or, you know, who has a successful career, uh, that, that has to be a huge ego, uh, boost, you know?

That that has to be a huge ego boost, you know. And also his audience are intellectuals. They are people that are, I would say, woke for the most part. So charges like this have a much more profound influence on on his ticket sales than it would for somebody like Quentin Tarantino. Right. And I, you know, as I you know, I finally tracked down and bought deconstructing harry that's the movie that came out when these accusations really hit yeah and as i was saying earlier i thought i could separate the man from the artist i'm like i'll be fine and when i saw it in theaters i couldn't i was like wow he is really like it felt like he was excusing. He played a horrible guy who cheated like crazy, who slept with his wife's like young patient.

And that Kirstie, Christy Alley scene is so, so funny. If you can get your hands on deconstructing Harry, the point is I saw it years later and I'm like, I don't know what I was thinking. This is a joke machine and it's hysterical. All right, let's move on to it. It's the elephant in the living room today, Mike.

Sports. Sports, here we go. There it is. Welcome to Super Bowl Sunday. All right. Holy shit. Tampa Bay Buccaneers against the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs are, I got to double check.

Chris, will you double check the point spread right now to see if it changed? I checked it. It's three now. You sure it's not three and a half? It opened at three and a half, and it's moved to three. Well, it'll be whatever it is at kickoff. We'll check on it, because here's the big question. Here's the question.

Scott Smith says, you and Mike should dub. Right now, you owe me $200 from a season, a season that began with me saying that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who were like fucking four and four and 12 last year, they sucked last year. I said they're going to go to the Super Bowl this year. And we decided to bet on every single game. What are you laughing at? Yes, it's it's it's it's unbelievable. We decided that Tampa Bay is in the Super Bowl. Yeah, we decided to bet on every game of the season with me taking Tampa Bay.

I even gave you points, which meant that 90% of the games this year I was giving points and still winning $200 off of you. So Chris is writing that right now the spread is still negative three. And he's saying as of right now, Trump still won the election. What? I know. he won't let go anyway jesus yeah fuck sag after we got it we got it so so this guy says uh scott smith says you and mike should double or nothing on the super bowl on that bet also if brady ever ran for president he's the type polished good-looking-looking, whatever. Who cares? Who cares?

Now, wait a minute. So Tampa Bay's getting three points? Yes. So clearly, because it opened at three and a half, a lot of bozos like you are pouring their money on the Tampa Bay side of this bet. No, 85% of the bets have been going to the Chiefs as of yesterday. I mean, it must have shifted today. I don't know why it went down to three then. That makes no sense.

Well, it might be that there's a couple of Kansas City linemen that were questionable that they announced they're not going to be playing. Oh, Jesus, really? Yeah. I mean, after you make it into the Super Bowl, isn't it like a get in this bag, we're going to zip it up, no one is coming in contact with anyone? Yeah. 70% of the bets coming in are taking the KC spread,

says Chris on our Google Doc. All right. Gary Morris says, how are you not offering Mike Double or Nothing on the 200? He's found money. Knowing him, he will bite for sure. And you'll be getting three points. Come on, Fitz Dog. All right.

It's up to you, Mike. I'll go either way. You want to bet? You want to double or nothing? Of course you're going to do it. Of course you're going to. The worst you come out is not owing me anything. I'll owe you $400.

I know. That sounds like more than I could collect from a friend. It's kind of a lose-lose for me because I can't see taking $400 from you. You could take it out of our ad revenue, which I still haven't seen because I haven't really asked for it. Nope. No? I can't do that because if I do that, I'm paying taxes on the money that you earned.

Yeah, that's why you're going to do it. So, I don't know. I was thinking $100 would get it down to $100. Okay. But boy, but boy, will I be pissed. Well, now you're talking about people don't want to hear our sports talk, but Kansas City linemen, I mean, are they out? What the fuck?

I mean, that could be an issue because, you know, Tom Brady is the guy fucking sits in the pocket. He's not like Mahomes who can fucking scramble in either direction. I mean, Brady ran for 11 yards this year or something. He doesn't run. And if they're going to put more pressure on him than he's used to. Oh, wait. No, this is good for him. Never mind.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. No, this is good for him then. Fuck it. Let's do it. 100 bucks or 200? 200. Oh, shit. And I'll be honest with you.

I don't want to make this bet because I started the season loving Brady, and then he took a $1 million PPP check from the government in a year that he got a $50 million contract from the Buccaneers in a year where his wife is worth something like $300 or $400 million. I don't know how many hundred million he's worth and this motherfucker when there was small businesses dry cleaners delis all around the country there were a lot of businesses that never got the money because the money got gobbled up by big corporations that had fucking you know accountants that went after this dough so i lost all respect for him when he did that.

And I bet, I bet he is applying for his second loan now. I'm sure he is. And so I don't want him to win another Superbowl. So now it's, if I lose, I'll just pay you with my, all my profits from owning a GameStop and AMC, both of which I still own. Aren't they down this week? They're only down about 85%. Yeah, but you're noble. You're noble.

Chris just wrote in, Tom is worth $200 million. Giselle is worth $400 million. So they've got $600. They needed one more. Did they need one more? I can't even go there. He's just such a douche. He is such a douche. He's perfectly Florida.

He's perfectly Florida. And again, what else could he want in life? He was born gorgeous, a phenomenal athlete, a great personality, and the hottest wife in the world. Does he need? A million dollars. It's so stupid. Yeah.

And his, and are we supposed to be cheering for his wide receiver? Uh, what's his name? We beat the fuck out of his girlfriend, Antonio Brown. I was going to say that doesn't narrow it down. Allegedly.

All right. Now I'm watching the Super Bowl. 200 bucks. God damn it. 400. I mean, I just bet $400 were way worse than that because I win zero. All right. I will.

I will let you take it out of your earnings then because then it's not like really losing 200. It's like losing 150 because I'll be paying taxes on that money. You and your fucking taxes, which you don't't pay but i get the i get the facade we have to put up here let's move on from fucking sports i hate them okay let's go on to science yes all right american airlines arena in miami reopens to a limited number of fans for the Yes. All right. American Airlines Arena in Miami reopens to a limited number of fans for the heat games. They're bringing out dogs. And they're billing it as the dogs in.

They're billing it as the coronavirus detection dogs to screen guests and employees. Fans will line up in a screening area, keeping their hands at their sides. The dogs will walk past each person, sniffing them. I guess your hands are to the side so you can't stop from fucking sniffing your balls. If the dog keeps walking, you are clear to enter

the arena. If the dog sits next to you, you and your party will not be allowed to enter the arena. Once again, another great job we hand the dogs. Like, how do you get this detail? Come on down. You know, you're incredibly, incredibly honed, acute sense of smell. We're going to have you smell Florida people a mile long.

You're going to smell all these Florida people. Yeah, who we think have covet yeah which by the way dogs can catch covet oh man and so it's so that's great it's like you know you get called up you're a bomb sniffing dog and you're like my life fucking sucks every day my life is in danger and they're like now we're gonna reassign you thank god am i looking for pot do i get to fucking sniff some nice sweet weed nope covet in florida people redneck covet um i think they should also train the dogs to sit next to people that have on oakland raiders jerseys or las vegas raiders jerseys or Las Vegas Raiders jerseys.

They should never be allowed in a game. Anytime you see a fucking TikTok fight in a football game, one of the guys has a Raiders jersey on. Raider Nation. They killed fans of the other team in the Coliseum, the Raiders fans. Yeah. Yeah, that's a fact. The Raiders.

Oh, my God. Imagine, I mean, I should have written jokes on all the smells. What do you smell on Florida people other than, you know, not paying child support? Is that a smell? Oxycontin. Yeah, exactly. By the way, shout out to Chris Denman, who is not only single handedly keeping the QAnon theories going, but sometimes writes funny jokes for us to use. Yeah. He puts them in this little doc here, and then I see them when it's too late.

All right, here we go. Oh, we're still in the science section, so I'm not going to crinkle. Came across this headline. Average human is fatter than an elephant. A unique obesity study reveals. So I don't really have anything on this, but what happened is when I scanned past it, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. That can't be true. But I thought the headline said average human is faster than an elephant. Then I saw fatter and I'm like, yeah, that's not news.

Average person in Chicago is fatter than an elephant. Yeah. Average O'Hare traveler is fatter than an elephant. So yeah, they did it on the, you know, whatever the measure is for your percentage of body fat. I never really thought of elephants as, I mean, I know that's the go-to that they're fat, but like, like a hippo is just fucking fat. Yeah, but dude, hippos are fast as fuck. Oh, don't underestimate.

That's why I said the average human is faster than elephant. I was like, time out. There's no way. Yeah like time out there's no way yeah no there's no way you know elephants but hippos in particular there are besides crocodiles they kill more humans than any other animal and i saw a video of a hippo chasing a boat they don't have webbed feet chasing a fucking boat this thing must've been going 15 miles an hour in the water. It was insane. Wow.

Yeah. No, I know they're really fast, but we're going to get corrections because I think it's one of the most dangerous, you know, land animals, I guess.

Well, a croc is a land animal too. Right. But do you know what the most dangerous animal in the world is? The one who kills the most people is it a snake no not even close spider not even close it's not a crocodile i thought it was a crocodile no you're gonna be bummed because it's a very you're gonna be like oh yeah shit didn't think about it that way humans oh that's interesting uh but no but i don't ah that's interesting i don't know they weren't included in this they really were talking about non-human animals yeah it's mosquitoes

ah of course of course yeah and and you know goddamn that fucking uh bill gates he's god people like chris denman hate bill gates there's so many conspiracy theories about what a horrible guy he is you know how many soros you know how many billions of dollars that guy has given to try to control uh mosquitoes you know what have, and toilets? What have you done? What the fuck have you done, you blogger? Have you ever helped anybody, or have you just put negative fucking energy and lies out there? He's the mosquito of humans. Meanwhile, mosquitoes are killing the most people.

Of course, the old joke premise, but bats just went like, hold my beer, like to the mosquitoes. We have quite a launch about to start where we're going to make up a lot of lost time. Yeah, yeah. Vegas likes bats this year. What's the over-under? About 500,000 in America alone. All right, read this next story because I love it. A potential new male contraceptive is being called, quote,

a sperm switch that would allow men to turn their fertility on and off. The biological race between sperm to reach an egg is a fierce and competitive process. Now researchers in Germany, of course, say they have discovered which protein gives sperm the winning edge. Their study has found a molecular switch in sperm. It could also allow men to turn their fertility on and off. By the way, have you ever read about what happens in a sperm sample when they look at sperm in a Petri dish? They fight each other. They literally it's a fucking battle.

There's you said the number of sperm before. How many sperm are in an ejaculation? I thought it was between 30 and 800 million or something crazy. And they're all fighting. One of them fucking makes it. And they are all fight. They literally latch on to each other. And they show you this under the microscope and one paralyzes another one and then keep swimming forward.

And this is happening throughout. You think your cum shot is just a fucking sticky mess on your belly. No, there's battles going on in there. You can hear him screaming. I do. The no, it's kind of like what what people would be like trying to get off a plane that caught fire on a runway like it is i will be stepping all over you to get to that door first yeah by the way that's screaming that's that's the women in the porn movie you're watching so i think this is either going to work or it's going to create a superhuman toxic mutation

and because it's in germany they're going to create a superhuman toxic mutation. And because it's in Germany, they're going to have a little name for it called the master race. No biggie. I'm sure Germany won't do anything with it. Yeah, right. Only the blonde sperm. Yeah. Although normally German sperm that I've seen in movies ends up landing on a pile of female

feces. So that'll take the steam out of you right there. I wish I could turn my sperm on and off like, you know, with my sex drive, kind of be like, all right, let's put this in the off position. I got to get some shit done today. Wait, so basically this is a birth control where it neutralizes the sperm so it's not going to get you pregnant? Is that the idea? Here's some of the technical stuff. Experiments on mice, these poor mice, found the winner, means the winner's sperm, carries a set, when they do it this way, it'll carry a set of toxic mutations that poison the rival sperm.

I'm surprised the mouse can even survive getting fucked by a human. Well, no, it survives because it's the mouse is fucking the women, the human women. So it's not such a bad gig. Other whatever stuff that, you know, the molecular genetic components, boring, boring, boring. And a protein called RAC1.

Anyway, the molecular switch that propels the sperm forward. So they can flip that switch that propels the sperm going forward is the idea. So I can imagine the German women like, und why are you still coming in my hair if it will not get me pregnant? Yeah. Exactly. You're pulling out to go on my face, but I thought we established.

No, you got to do the German accent. Yeah, I can't do it. Come on. I'm now spaced. I was just going to try to do a Mexican accent and claim it as my German one, and I can't even recall that to mind right now. All right, here we go. Business.

All right. Business. All right. Well, I have challenged you to... Oh, I can put my $400 towards this maybe. I've challenged you to get on Investopedia, which is a simulated stock market account where we're going to compete against each other. So you're going to do that tomorrow.

All right. I have four stocks that I'm sure will go down. They were hot tips. Okay. And should I tell you what they are? Why don't you save it for the competition, and then you can tell us what they are. Oh, because what?

Our listeners will flood in knowing my track record and buy up these stocks that I'm picking? Bet against them, folks. Bet against them. You can't lose. I have four stocks that are unbelievably affordable, like a couple of dollars. And yeah, so. I actually heard that from Kramer was don't buy expensive stocks right now.

Buy the cheap ones. Those are the ones that are going to go up. Wow. Yeah. I told you I heard Al Michaels on Dennis Miller Live like in the late 90s or whatever, and he had gotten bitten a little by the – Al Michaels is a great sports announcer.

He had gotten bitten by the day trading bug a little bit when that was starting. But what he said to Dennis Miller was, here's what I've learned. And it's actually working out for me. This is my operating procedure. If I get a hot tip, like a really hot tip, like someone calls me, it's like there's movement on this and all this. He's like, I short it.

He goes, because I know where I am in the pecking order. And I know how many people this call has filtered down through to get to me. Yeah. And it's probably a pump and dump. And so anyway, so that's what I should do with these four, but of course I'm not. All right. You going to list them? No, you said wait till I buy them.

Okay. So. I didn't buy them yet. Yeah. And then what we'll do is we'll make our picks. We'll activate our accounts. We'll each start with, I forget how much money they give you. Maybe they give you like a few million dollars.

Oh, good. I don't want to play with anything less. Whoever has more on the 4th of July, 2021, will get, what are we saying, $100? $100 bet? Yeah, sure. Just put it on my tab. Well, especially when, you know, GameStop. I'll cash out by then, and then I'll be able to pay you.

Yeah, right. Wait, so GameStop, which we talked a lot about last week. Yeah. How did it fare this week? Because last Sunday, it was going through the roof. Well, remember, I could have sold it at 500. Yes, I remember that. And you bought it. What did you buy it at? 360 something. And you could have sold it at 500. OK. And right now I feel good. It's hovering at 60 something. So I feel good.

so i feel good what happened to the cause you work so hard you take so many risks in your career to make this money and you just flush it away i have known you for fucking 30 years and you have never made money in the stock market and yet you won't hire a broker i've sent you my broker's name he's conservative he's smart he's a big wig at UBS. Nope. Won't do it. You're smarter than him. No, listen, just so people don't think I'm a complete lunatic. I have one because when I was married, I had to get someone to put the four, whatchamacallit, IRAs, all that stuff, the kids' 5 29s and, uh, all that stuff. So I do have most of them. I mean,

this is different money, which I shouldn't be playing with because, you know, the career is not going hot and it's going to be money I need. But anyway, it's more of the, uh, side, you know, the, the side money that, uh, I shouldn't be doing. I can't justify it except to say I actually have a retirement thing I haven't touched, thank God. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Yeah.

So bring it on, man. Tampa Bay's going down. Yeah, we'll see. We don't have to do this story. The new AI can detect your heart waves. I don't think we have to do that. Let's get into this day in history, which, by the way, was suggested by a listener.

I can't remember who. Has a segment. And it's one of my favorites. In this day in history, February 7th, 1964, the Beatles landed at Kennedy Airport for the first time in America.

Oh, yeah. And at this point, they had just scored their first number one hit with I Want to Hold Your Hand. And they came out wearing their mod suits and their pudding bowl haircuts. And there were thousands of screaming fans already. And they said it caused a near riot when they got off the plane. So two days later, they did their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. Ed Sullivan Show.

Ed Sullivan Show. They said it was hard to eat. You've seen the clips. You can't even hear them. You can't even hear them. Screaming, crying girls, yeah. And that was it. They say 73 million Americans were watching that,

which is 40% of the population at that point. Wow. And that was it. That was it. They just, you know, I've never seen anything like it. I mean, has there ever been? I mean, was Elvis, did Elvis happen that big? Elvis was pretty big. I mean, those were ever been, I mean, it was Elvis. Did Elvis happen that big? Elvis was pretty big.

I mean, those were the two stories really. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, now what is it? K-pop or like, I mean, I, there, there is pandemonium. Certainly there's no shortage of crying girls, but I don't think it, know half of like america was not glued you know to one direction's you know arrival or whatever like it's not the same magnitude for sure yeah yeah it's amazing but yet you know uh like the halftime show at the super bowl this year it's some guy i've never even fucking heard of oh the weekend the weekend yeah you better have

guests holy crap i know but it's like at least let someone the weekend hasn't doesn't play arenas sure no he's a stable center i'll give you stable center and stuff but i'm saying there has to be an ability to make a football stadium seem small that's the magic and charisma of a really good band, or like even Lady Gaga did it. I'm not like, get the Stones again, although I'd love that. But it's like, get a pro, get a complete- A seasoned stadium act, yeah. Who has a deep catalog of songs also.

Right, yeah. I think you also got to take into account your demographic. I mean, some fat guy in Wisconsin who's a football fan, you think he gives a shit about The Weeknd? Oh, when you said fat guy, I thought you were talking about The Weeknd because The Weeknd's put on a few LBs. You know he's changed his name to The Week. There you go, pal. Although I heard he's hung like a horse his nickname is long weekend oh you created your own setup um yeah i don't know the yeah the weekend

it's not i mean nothing could be worse than i hate adam levine and Maroon 5. So that was always, I was just thrilled that everybody hated their halftime performance last year. Yeah. I mean, it's, it is amazing because, uh,

there are the people that pop like Madonna at the age of 40, whatever, just fucking destroyed. And I'm not like a Madonna fan, but I got to respect when somebody, again, has spent 20 years playing arenas around the world and knows how to fucking bring it. Yeah.

And that Prince one, man. You revisit that Prince. You know, I mean, by definition, the most outside the box dude, he played three cover songs. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. and he made it work right right he's just amazing in the in the driving rain in miami right right go on youtube there's a really good special where he like the producer called him and was like, listen, it, it is, have you looked out the window? Like they already did, they already did rehearsal. And now it's like, it's

like, I'm really worried. You have three, uh, remote, you know, like wireless, um, guitars out, electric guitars out there. Your backup singers have six inch heels. It's on Lucite stage. And it just brought all this stuff up and and prince was just like i hope it rains harder yeah like no no i'm not changing any guitars the girls are not changing what they're wearing on their feet like we're getting it's it's amazing yeah do you remember michael jackson's halftime show i don't i think it it was, I can't remember how long ago, but that was fucking insane. Um,

but, uh, wait, what was I going to say? Oh, Prince. Here's the thing about Prince is when I used to work as you did at the Ellen DeGeneres show back when things were going a lot better. Um,

Prince came in. Were you there when Prince performed? I was not. No, I was, I had when Prince performed? I was not. No, I was not there yet. So he comes in, and I go to rehearsal, and he plays... You know, usually rehearsal is you play a half a song,

you fucking block it out a little bit, you figure out the cameras, got it. Prince played six full songs to rehe rehearse then he gets on the show he performs two songs on the show finishes roll credits and then prince says to the audience do you want to hear some more and he plays five fucking songs and i mean performs five songs right that in front of what 200 people right is tiny yeah it looks big on tv it is not and i'm sitting in the front row next to the director it was insane it reminds me there's a there's an i love this clip i've sent it to you before because your son was getting into you know ow Owen was getting into guitar and I was in a little bit of a Stevie, Stevie Ray Vaughan wormhole and Stevie Ray Vaughan on YouTube, just I guess YouTube search Stevie Ray Vaughan rehearsal.

And again, you're expecting like, here's a quarter of the song, maybe even less, or here's the parts that are tricky, you know, where, uh, whatever we, we choreographed something differently. He just disappears into solos. It's, it's unbelievable. Yeah. And the best response of like people I texted it to, like, look at this. Uh, someone texted me back. Um, well there's that, there's always that phrase, do what you love, then it's not work.

Like, look at this guy, honestly. He's in heaven at a rehearsal. No, sorry, it was technically a sound check. It was a sound check for his concert that night. It reminds me of that Jackson Browne song, The Loadout. Yeah. When, like, after the audience is gone, don't pack up my piano until the load out. Yeah. When like after the audience is gone, don't pack up my,

uh, my piano until the very end. Yeah. Um, should we ask Amy? Let's ask Amy. Here it is. It's been a long fucking time.

People have clamored for it. I found this this morning. I have no material on it, but I thought it was good enough to stand on its own. Dear Amy, I saw... Just right out of the gate. Dear Amy, I saw my next-door neighbor in the footage of the rioters at the Capitol on January 6th.

After the... Best first sentence on an Ask Amy in history. And really, it should just be, what should I do? But anyway. But I like hearing about this guy. After the election in November, this neighbor moved out of his house and back in with his mother and got involved in all the stop the steal efforts. This is about Chris. That culminated in him traveling to Washington, D.C. and storming the Capitol.

him traveling to Washington, D.C. and storming the Capitol. After I showed the footage of him to his Biden voting wife, she told me she'd been texting with him during the day, telling him to stay away. By the way, I think it's supposed to mean stay away from the Capitol. It's probably also means stay away from our children and telling him that it was a federal crime to go inside, et cetera, but that he'd gone inside anyway. I later heard that he was so excited about seeing himself on this video footage that he's planning to get it made into a photo and have it framed. Do they let you bring framed photos into prison? I guess don't have glass in it. He's been my next door neighbor for nine years. When his tree blew down, I grabbed my chainsaw and helped cut it up. When my fence blew down, he came over and helped. He's jumped my car battery. I've cut his grass when they're out of

town. You know, next door neighbor stuff. I don't know if I should report them or not. On the one hand, if those people aren't punished, they might be emboldened to do something else. I also don't know if I should report them or not. On the one hand, if those people aren't punished, they might be emboldened to do something else. I also don't believe the penalty, if any, will be significant. And my fence might go down again and I want help. They didn't write that part. Although, no, I do think this relationship is about to become a little less two-sided. It's like, hey, you know, my lawn's looking a little shabby. After you jumpstart my car and fix the fence, you want to grab a mower?

Hey, Bill, the lock on my garden shed, I don't remember the combo. I can't get in. Are you good at getting in things that you're not supposed to get in there? You think you could storm a garden shed? Yeah. Yeah. I like your new welcome mat, the Constitution. That's perfect.

Yeah. Meanwhile, coincidentally, the paper, which I have not even read, that I'm using to crinkle, paper, which I have not even read, that I'm using to crinkle. The front page, can you see it? Is all the people being charged for storming the Capitol. This is front page, section A, New York Times, Saturday.

And it is, these 26 people are among those charged with the most serious crimes, conspiracy, or assault. More than 150 others have also been arrested in connection with the attack. Ba ba ba. Lock all those motherfuckers up and throw away the key.

We got to send a message that this shit will not be tolerated. Five people died, plus like a couple suicides on top of that from law and order from police officers. On top of that, from law and order from police officers. You know, look, it's just take Chris Denman and put him somewhere where he can't be a harm to others or himself. Yeah. Don't worry. Don't worry, Chris. This woman is going to mow your lawn for your 20 to 30 year sentence. She's got it handled. What do we got? got speaking of letters here's some letters to the

editor paris conway said may i answer your poll question after i give you an unsolicited comment thank you you two at sunday papers have the ugliest setting of any podcast i watch dare you which might be both a reason to keep it or change it. The closet was different at first. Now it's just a yawn. Hey, you like green color, Greg? Fine. The pictures?

Fine. The spacing? The rest? What happened? I recommend you consult Joey Diaz on your set design. Wait a minute. The spacing. What does that mean?

Who wrote this? Rita Rudner? She's trying to do a tight five minutes on our backdrops? Right. Right. I happen to like your backdrop, and I think it's good for, I think that it absorbs sound, so it sounds good. By the way, I got this advice.

I didn't know what to do. I've never done a podcast on my own. I've always just been a guest somewhere, like basically with you. And I read that closets are great. I didn't think we'd be videotaping them. That is a surprise. So I didn't know that part. So don't watch it then.

Just listen to it as it's meant to be. Meanwhile, I just showed you pictures of the New York Times. But just listen to it. it's meant to be. Meanwhile, I just showed you pictures of the New York Times. But just listen to it. How about that, Paris? This is Isay. It finally happened. Good luck. I listen every week in case this is the week Mike's voice finally gives out.

Oh, boy. After almost a year of listening to Mike Gibbons finally lost his voice. I was sick, and it's back now, and it actually sounds pretty good, I think. So there you go. Who's this? Who are these bitches? Parker Robinson said,

I unfortunately had to turn it off early due to the quality of the podcast this go-around. Another bitch, Parker. Mike's voice went out, which made it tough to listen. I would have personally waited a couple days until Mike recovered to hear the podcast. Okay, should we do the Sunday paper on Tuesday? Is that what you're saying? I'd scream about the Tuesday papers, but I don't want to lose my voice, Parker, if that is your real name.

You know, I had to look at it to find a promo to cut from that and the voice. Listen. Yes, of course. It's a, it was a bit raspy and stuff, but, uh, I think you can muddle through it. Yeah. Can you muddle, can you muddle through Demi Moore and her fine motion pictures? Yeah. Sexy raspy.

This is from C Fox to back you up a little bit. You guys both tell great stories. Greg, I have heard all of yours roughly 18 times between your various podcasts. Not exactly a rough number, but go ahead. But Mike, you often downplay your stories like you're taking up too much time, but your stories are extremely interesting. And I don't want you to feel so eclipsed by Greg's massive ego that you think your stories are less worthy. They are not. So stop that. I don't think I'm alone wanting to hear about the nuts and bolts of the Hollywood machine.

Yours is a unique perspective. More please. Keep it up. And please do a live pod in Sacramento. It's really not that big a shithole. I was flattered till this letter never ended and went on forever. So I don't think CFOX is a great gauge of what's long or short. Yeah, this was an edited version of the letter.

All right. So we'll tell more stories from inside the Hollywood machine. We just told a Prince one. How about that? Let's talk about my massive ego for a moment. Do you ever feel like I am trying to make you feel like your stories are less worthy? No, occasionally. But as you know, I'll often, and as C. Fox just pointed out, I'll interrupt myself. So I almost always am waiting for an interruption. Like, you stopped me from talking already. And you tend to chime in at the exact right moments to do that.

Or you'll tag a story with something really funny. Like if I've gone on forever about a movie or something like, okay, that's, let's get to some news. Well, I think it's because I'm a standup comic and I'm always so paranoid that people are getting bored for even five seconds. And so like on stage, cause on stage, if that happens, you can lose them for the rest of the show. And I think that podcasting is a different format and I need to be less, uh, tight on the reins. Well, like you, I have that spirit too. Like in that, in that memorial for my stepmother, there were, it was a big giant zoom and there was like, there was over 300 people, but probably like 200 boxes or something and, or whatever it was. Anyway, I would latch on cause I did a little lighthearted jab at my stepmother was Republican.

So I did a little lightheaded, lighthearted jab at all the Republicans who were in the Zoom. And I, of course, could only see the death stares coming back at me like just unmoving, absolutely unimpressed or, you know, didn't think it was funny at all well and that's all i focused on well to your to your defense there was they were old yeah and i there was one guy who was asleep from five minutes in until the end of the entire thing yeah and and there was a lot of like old people with like that had put on suits and dresses and they were sitting in front of oil paintings there was a lot of that kind of Republican vibe but there was also a ton of people that were

laughing their asses off I think I think it was a cool Irish crowd also yep there were those this other I like I did peek at this next letter I liked it Sean Hermans says hey Greg long those uh this other i like i did peek at this next letter i liked it uh sean hermans says uh hey greg long time listener first time emailing i often listen to you and now you and gibbons

while carving spoons i thought that was uh i thought that was a euphemism carving spoons yeah like soaking but all right or turning something on the lathe you've both you both have made me giggle on several occasions while turning something these giggles are transformed directly onto my turnings in the form of bumps and spirals making them difficult to remove thankfully your marathon podcasts allow me ample time to remove these marks with the sanding and then he goes on to offer um me it sounds like he says i'd be honored if you would accept one of my pieces as a thank you for providing years and years of quality entertainment it would be really funny if he sent you one and there's this huge gouge in it and it's like that's that's where all your racist Mexican jokes made me die laughing.

That's where you lumped and confused all different types of Asians when you were making fun of them. All right. This handle here I call misogyny. It's got a couple extra grooves in it. So anyway, he asked for an address. I have a company address I sent him so I'll get it

if he wants to send two then I'll give one to you it's up to you let's see let's see how Sean does on the lathe I'm all in but that's a very

that's very funny that occasionally he'll giggle and this is this is obituaries let's... This is obituaries. Let's get to the obituaries, Mike. And that's all, folks.

Okay, here it is. Yeah. Sad loss for the entertainment world. Or you just didn't notice or care. Dustin Diamond passed away this week. Yeah. He is the star, one of the stars of Saved by the Bell. He was on it from 88, and then he went to all the different spinoffs,

Saved by the Bell turned into the college years, and then it was, I think, and then he, Saved by the Bell, the new class, he was like a principal's assistant. Anyway, he was on there for 12 years and then he went on to try to have a career afterwards that was difficult he had some film credits he was in dickie roberts former child star yeah yeah spade put him in that he made some episodes of the wonder years uh that's about it and then he did some reality shows like Celebrity Fit Club and Celebrity Big Brother back in 2013.

But his biggest post-Bell achievement was he wrote a book about it, Behind the Bell, and it caused rifts between him and the other cast members that he said included allegations about Onset Behavior. They said were untrue. Oh. I don't remember what he said included allegations about onset behavior they said were untrue. Oh. I don't remember what he said about them. He also did some porn.

Did he? Yeah. Kind of a low point thing. It's a sad story, man. It really is. Only lower than that was he also did stand-up comedy. I remember him coming to the clubs and being like, that was at a time when people that had been,

and it still happens, people that have been shunned from mainstream entertainment go into stand-up. And it really, it puts in perspective where stand-up is in the world of entertainment. Like Jeremy Piven? Like Jeremy Piven. Yeah.

Yeah. Doing Odin Kirk uh agent character that odin kirk did on uh sanders right so uh he talks about how frustrating it was that nobody could see past the screech character and uh yeah it was a very it was a very sad story but you know what he was a fucking tv star for 12 years do you know how many people are big stars from two years on a show maybe four years on a show wait it couldn't have been 12 years between the three or four different franchises he was on from 88 through 2000 you know so i i have never ever seen a saved by the bell neither have i yeah uh and it's weird like so who's that made for is it like after school i mean it's it's really really stupid right i, I've seen clips by their lockers and stuff. I think it's like age 10 through 16. Huh. But I think the people that are just younger than us, it's same thing with, um, full house. Yeah, exactly. And I, I've, I've only seen clips of

full house, but I know Fallon does these big reunions and there's a real nostalgia thing. And, yeah, I guess it's a bit younger than us. But, like, you know, yeah, it missed us for sure. Yeah, like Chris Denman is writing here that it was huge with his age group, that and Mein Kampf. Kampf. Yeah. I don't know what that part is. Yeah.

Interesting. So, all right, let's get it's time. You know, we always cheer up after the obituaries, Mike. I don't know what that part is. Interesting. It's time. We always cheer up after the obituaries, Mike. We do the Sunday funnies. Is that what we do? I wanted to mention a bunch of people have written in about there's a scene from a movie.

The movie's called Go. Timothy Oliphant, who I fucking love from Deadwood and have written in about there's a scene from a movie the movie's called go yeah and uh timothy oliphant who i fucking love from deadwood and uh santa clarita diet more recently which is a really great show if you've never seen it no uh and katie holmes and there's a scene in a diner where they're talking about family circus yep and it's so goddamn Yeah, that's what we talked about last week. Yeah, the movie's go. We were having real brain farts remembering names of the movie and the character and the actress. So let's do Hag of the Horrible, everybody's favorite marauder hyphen rapist.

He's a hyphen. He's a hyphenate. He is a hyphenate. He's a triple threat. There's probably something else in there, too. Well, pillaging. He pillages as well. Yeah. So now the king, the emperor, and his wife, who's not bad looking.

She's like, she's an eight. They're standing on the porch, and he says, Hager is demanding 10 pieces of gold. And she says, give it to him. It could be worse. And then you cut down a Hager, and he's on a horse with a truck on it, and it says, big haul rentals, 10 gold pieces per day. And he says, it is worse. Really, we didn't need the second frame.

We just need to see how fucking petrified she is that hagger has showed up to the house. The king is trying to fuck he's worried about how many gold pieces he has to give up she's worried about rape yeah i yeah the second the second frame could have been a lot funnier yeah for sure big hall rentals big hall rape and rentals that should be the name of the company right And it's got stirrups and handcuffs on it. Yeah. I just picture like, you know, the seven-year-old reading the Sunday Funny. Hey, Dad, why does she look scared?

Why does Lady look scared? Here's a Dilbert, because I love Dilbert. Oh, boy. One guy's at a laptop. The other guy says to him, Ted, company wants to celebrate you as the first disabled gay person to hold this job. Ted then says, but I'm neither gay nor disabled. And then the guy goes, celebration is next week, so you have plenty of time to fix that. You know, the funny is, we're going to get to it,

but Family Circus surprised me today. It's definitely a newly written one. Yeah. And it's interesting that Dilbert just went there. All right. Now we got Andy Kapp. Oh, boy. He's not going to go there.

He's been married a lot of years. i don't know how he pulls it off you think you're struggling in your marriage did you two guys walking down the street one guy says did you see andy carrying on with that barmaid in the pig and whistle yesterday other guy goes i did the man is an absolute scoundrel. I wonder if word has gotten back to flow. In the background, you see Andy has been punched in the face and is falling over backwards while a suitcase is being thrown on top of him. I mean, that's just Sunday morning. That's just every Sunday morning. He's got to somehow make penance for what happened.

Does it stop him? Does it change his behavior? Fuck no! Andy Kemp goes for it. It's almost like it's a feeling like they're walking home from the bar, but not by the way they said it, but that would be their move too. Daylight.

Full daylight. Yeah, yeah. And I feel sorry for barmaids in London. You know? Just getting harassed all night by guys like Andy Kapp. They're still around. All right. What are we up to? The circus?

Yeah. All right. Here we go. I think they also maybe look a little. I don't know. You think this is a new drawing too? All right. I'm just going to read it to you.

So we, the picture is we got, we got that kid, the son. And he has the. Jesus Christ, Mike. Billy. He's got yellow hair. It's Billy. He has a red cap on and he's has the big bottom of the snowman, uh, already rolled up.

And then the, the younger brother, whatever friend he is doing it with him. And he has the medium, you know, the middle section, but they've paused and they're leaning on the stuff and they're looking at each other. And then that blonde kid says to him,

Dolly said, we can't make a snowman. We need to make a snow person. The best part to me about this, though, is it looks like they're bummed about it. Like, look at the kid. Like, what? That's my favorite part about it is they're not into it. It's just what?

Come on. They're like old men. No, we're not doing that. Digging just, what? Come on. They're like old men. Jeff Keen. No, we're not doing that. Digging in a little bit against political correctness. Yeah, exactly. How about that? I know.

How about instead of a snowman or a snow person, how about a funny character? Totally. This whole thing's a snow job. Yeah. You're making money on this damn syndicated cartoon yeah funnies we should sue them for false advertising well he spent a little bit more time on this because it's clearly winter and the golf course is closed so he can spend longer than 15 minutes on his work that week yeah i know I know. But boy, there you go. It's annoying.

It's annoying. Wait till he gets into pronouns. Well, we wrap it up. We round it out every week with this. I hope my wife never listens to the podcast, so she doesn't. I think that's a lock. Inside you hear, Blondie, of course, is in the kitchen cooking something with a fucking apron on.

An apron which, by the way, is tied in tight around her waist, only accentuating her shelved bosom. You're starting to sell me on this whole creepy, creepy. She's asking by she. I mean, the guy drawing this is asking for it. Yes. Thank God there's no pool table in that house. Yeah. From the next room, you hear, no way.

Impossible. How can that be? Ridiculous. Come on, give me a break. Is he buying GameStop? Because is that what's going on? That's what was being said in my house. So now we cut to Herb and Dagwood on the couch.

And Dagwood said, there's another one. Herb says, no way, that was a late hit. And now they're going, no, no, no. They're spinning around on their heads. And in walks Blondie, who has somehow made a very quick change-a-roo. Very quick. And is wearing the sexiest referee outfit you've ever seen in your life.

She has on tight white leggings with a black stripe going down it, a sports locker, what do you call it, athlete's foot. She's got on, you know, the referee jersey. Or just a referee jersey. A referee jersey. She is mocking referee jersey. A referee jersey. She is mocking all referees that have ever lived by sticking those tits inside that fucking jersey.

And she says, penalty flag, excessive noise, no more yelling for the next five minutes. Dagwood and Herb flip their heads around. Look at this. Are kind of stunned. And then she walks out and she says, they're disappointed if I don't do that at least once during every Super Bowl. And now these two idiots, while she's still in the room, are looking back at the television set. That is a pair of homosexuals sitting on the couch as far as I'm concerned.

And she committed. Do you see that she threw a flag? Threw a flag, right. There's a flag on the ground on the play. But, yeah, even the vertical stripes, the guy drawing this really, you know, you can see him. You can see that shelf still. Dude, she looks good. She looks really good in that outfit.

And, I mean, I'm used to her wearing, like, soft sweaters and tight skirts. But this outfit, she's playing with gender here a little bit, which makes it even sexier. Oh, boy. It says more about you than her, I think. Hmm. Huh. All right. Oh, boy. It says more about you than her, I think.

Hmm. All right. Speaking of playing with gender, Mike, don't forget you can order. You should get on Cameo. If you get on Cameo on the app, I will send a message to your loved ones, your friends. Maybe it's their birthday, wedding, or just to say what's up and maybe have me roast them. Go on Cameo and order it today. That would be funny, like your friends contacting you on Cameo, like, all right, I guess I'll pay you to answer my call. Can you?

You were going to call me. It's like, sorry, Bricks. Tell me what we're doing next Thursday. I need this, so do I have to pay you to tell me that? Like, let's come on. Anything you want to promote, Mike? I thought I had some things and I don't think so. I don't think so. HBO, get some HBO.

Yeah, I guess get some HBO. I'll try to think of something in a second. I don't know what it is. All right. We want to thank the fine folks that make this happen from Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, all the other folks over there. Yep. And I guess we'll catch you next week. Good luck. I guess I was going to say go Chiefs, but now I got 200 on the line. So I'm going to say go Bucs.

You, I think the proper way to look at it is you have 400 on the line. What? I'm either going to. You're either going to get 400 or zero. Oh, that's true. Okay. I think we know how this is going to work out. Yeah.

I think. What do you mean? You're going to lose because you always do? Yeah. Yeah. Plus you're giving me three points. I don't think the points are going to come into play. I think this is going to be such a high-scoring game

that somebody's going to win by at least a touchdown. Hey, I called the McGregor fight just based on their weigh-in. I want to take credit for that. And what I'll say this time, the one instinct I have, which might be right, almost all of them are wrong, so the ones that are right stand out to me as a

different type of feeling. But I think Tampa Bay has bigger potential to be bad than Kansas City. That's exactly right. And way, way bigger potential to be bad. And I actually don't think Tampa Bay played that well in their last game. I mean, he was picked off three times. He had four. Four interceptions.

Plus he had two other ones he threw up into the fucking clouds. Exactly. He threw it. He did not. Listen, obviously he marched down the field a few times, but he did not look like a Super Bowl champion last week. He just didn't. So that's one thing that's causing me to feel, that's causing me to go out and spend that $400 before game time. Well, also, Mahomes is just so on top of his game right now.

You know, they had some injuries which plagued them towards the end of the playoffs. Everybody's healed. Everybody's on the field. They got a couple linemen that might not be there. But, you know, I think it doesn't matter because Mahomes can run away from anybody anyway. He loves chaos. He loves a broken play. He turns it into something. Alright. Fingers crossed.

We'll see you next week. Take it easy. Take it easy. I'm off the presses. Holy fuck.