Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 50 2/14/21

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Mike Pays Greg the $400 he lost on the SB, The Boss gets busted, Aunt Jemima is cancelled and Family Circus finally owns up to being a sham.    

read all about it impeachment number two hot what what's biden doing we don't care that's the beauty of the guy we just lost half the viewers listeners welcome at least welcome mike oh there he is how are you good man what a week i'm still listen i'm still coming down from that uh that weekend performance at the super bowl gave me all the feels all the feels specifically the feel of underwhelm disappointment and rage so it's hard to come down hard to come down from that so really he should call himself the week because it stayed with you for seven days what all right so have you read positive reviews of that let's just start with this because it's a light topic i think there were some positive reviews i mean i think the overall

consensus was that it was good i didn't read details but i thought my barometer was that people enjoyed it i fucking hated it i thought it was pathetic well way to use the stadium and the world stage by like going in a little closet backstage and pulling a Hello Cleveland routine from fucking Spinal Tap. Yeah. Also, so halfway through it, I think you saw me texting. And if I don't say so, I impress myself. I was like, the only thing that could save this is his last song.

This is his last song. If he somehow in an artistic presentation, like put up the 500,000 names who have passed away from the pandemic, like they could glow, like it could be done in a very artistic way where it seems more like just a light energy. But if you've lost someone, you could pause it at some point and see your father's name or whatever it is. Sounds like a good upbeat Super Bowl moment. Well, you can go fuck yourself because you too, in 2001, scrolled every name of the deceased from 9-11, of the people killed in 9-11. And it was incredible and moving and weighty and appropriate and bigger than them. Well, it went faster because you didn't have any of those long Jewish names. You didn't hear? What?

Wait, what are we talking about? That they weren't in the building. There were none of them in the building. Oh, no, I know. And, well, they flew the planes, the remote-controlled planes into the building. I know. That's true. You always get me on that.

I always forget that. I don't know. It seems like a weird thing to forget. Yeah. So, anyway, here's number two, more positive to your note. Last song, you incorporate a montage of frontline workers in whatever great song you play. Very nice. Super easy.

Almost like maybe like bring on the village people because they are all frontline workers. All right. If you're not going to take this weekend performance critique seriously. I don't know. Let's do more news from seven days ago in Sunday papers. It's the week. We haven't. We're reviewing.

I'm starting on Sunday. Wait until I get to Monday, whatever happened Monday. Wow. What about that rainstorm we had in L.A. on Tuesday? Let's get into that a little bit. It didn't rain. You can't even come up with something that happened this week. Well, speaking of the Super Bowl, should we talk about the elephant in the living room?

The $400 elephant in the living room? How impressed were you how fast I paid that bet? Very well done. And how impressed were you that I didn't acknowledge it? That's why I'm asking right now. How impressed were you with how fast I paid that bet? Literally no acknowledgement until now. Venmo, $400 immediately.

Well, I felt less bad because I think you won some other Super Bowl money to offset it, right? From you, and you Venmo'd me that. I won 150 because I got those boxes right at halftime. And then, did you see how close I was to getting the full game boxes? Yes, yes. Last drive, I thought Mahomes a meaningless touchdown. Yeah. And since it's meaningless, they'll let the extra point guy come out.

They're not going to go for two. Yeah. And if that had happened, I would have won 200 more. Yep. Yep. And you would have been almost even. Almost even. Yeah.

But look, it's been a hell of a season. You know, if you're just tuning into the podcast, we bet on every Tampa Bay. I said in August that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to go to the Super Bowl. I didn't predict they'd win it. I just thought they'd get to it. And they did. And so we bet on every game. I gave you the points.

If I didn't give you the points, which I shouldn't have, to be perfectly honest, because they were not favored to even break 500 this year. You're so stupid. What do you mean? The whole bet was about the points. My premise was people are afraid to bet against Tom Brady. Right. So the lines created, and I thought the lines are always a little inflated

because they want even money on either side of the bet. When you're trying to find that, is it three points? Is it five points? And they'll keep raising it until enough people bet on the other team. And it turns out my theory is completely invalid. As are all of your theories involving money, which we'll get to later in the show. I don't know about that. All right. When we hit the business section, we're going to launch a new bet, which will pay off on the 4th of July.

It's going to be very exciting. And we may involve you guys. Yeah, let's involve them. I don't know. There probably is a public setting where people can see our... I think so. Yeah.

How would we do that? Or we get updated once a week on our website do we have one i think yeah we got a website by the way if you want to check out our website it's um sundaypapers.net not.com we got the net huh yeah we got the net what happened to edu um i think some Japanese kid got that. All right. Edu. Hey, I want to jump ahead. How's your mom? Mom's good.

Thank you for asking. I talk about it at length. I talk about my mom at length on this week's Fitz Dog Radio podcast, which comes out on Tuesday. Oh, that's right. I forgot. I did listen to that. No, no, no. It hasn't come out yet. I know. I know. You caught me in a lie. I don't listen to that podcast. I don't listen to this one. So that'll come out. But she basically, if people don't know, my mom, I got a call two days ago that my mom was on her way to the hospital. No, in the hospital.

She'd gone for a doctor's visit and the guy and she'd been really tired for a few weeks. She hadn't been eating. She lost like 10 pounds, which is a lot when you only weigh 110 pounds. Yeah. And she went into the hospital and her heart rate was like 130, I think, or 30 instead of it should be between. You said it was low, yeah. It should be between like 80 and 200 or something. And they were very concerned, so they did an EKG.

No, I think a resting heart rate is like, you know, 60 is on the low side. And I don't think it should be over 90. I mean, I don't think unless you're a little bird snort adderall does it go higher well i did that all right i thought that was a private conversation i experimented yes and i snorted adderall this week and you know what it fucking felt great yep now did you have a bag over your head and jerk off while you did it? I mean, how is this pandemic really affecting you? Never with a bag. No, I had a script in front of me.

It was the worst. And I'm like, all right, well, I have to take one of my prescribed. We don't take Adderall. What do we take again? Ritalin? Ritalin. And I literally was like, even that, even that is not going to give me any, and I'm like, you know, everyone talks about when they, kids are fucking snorting this stuff everywhere. And I literally, I'm like, I'm just going to snort my pill that I take prescribed anyway. And then I Googled,

well, what's the difference? And there is a difference, man. You skip the whole ingesting it through your stomach and it goes right into the bloodstream. Yeah. It's like, I told you that saying, one of the writer's rooms I was in, the little stupid saying was under the tongue, dude. And that was the thing. It's like people would come in the morning, like, how'd you sleep? And it's like, they would just nod knowingly, like under the tongue, dude. And it was because one of the, one of the writers turned us on to, you can take even

a way smaller bit of Ambien at night, if you have to shut off the machine spinning in your head and fall asleep. And instead of taking it and waiting 20 minutes or whatever, you chew it and put it under your tongue. And sublingually, it goes, and it is so fast. sublingually it goes and it is so fast and even if it's technically if someone is gonna the doctor's listening and they're gonna write and say there would be no difference i don't want to hear it because obviously there's a placebo effect happening and i love it right under the tongue out same thing with placebos if you chew up a placebo and put it under your tongue so anyway back to my mom if we can talk about my mom.

Oh my God, what happened to her? So she goes in and they give her an EKG and they go, half your heart is not functioning right now. What? They rush her to the hospital. Thank God she got a hold of like the best heart guy in her part of Florida. Wow. And the whole time we're finding out about this this all happened between finding out at noon getting and then she got operated on at about nine o'clock at night

and she got a pacemaker put in and she was out the next morning sorry you mean out of the hospital out of the hospital the next morning and now she is sore uncomfortable but but she she feels she feels good we talked for an hour and a half yesterday and um you know it's amazing and you know you change the battery once every 10 years wow isn't that amazing i know nothing about pacemakers. So they go in, but it's not open heart. It's not open heart. No, they go through, they go through your vein and your near your collarbone and they go right inside. And there's two types. There's a dual chamber and a single chamber, meaning it's either on both sides of your heart or one side. She just got it on one side.

Hold on. So I'll sound like now I'm a guy from the 1700s who just popped out of a time machine. So a machine goes through the vein to the heart? That's what they do? Yeah. Yeah. Fucking machine with a camera on it. I mean.

I know about cameras going, traveling through our blood vessels. I do know that. But, and I know about balloons. Yeah. That go through and they try to widen them. But they will, is it pacemaker? Well, the pacemaker itself. I know it's an electrical charge or something, right? It just goes, the pacemaker itself, which is very small.

I hope. I think it's like the size of like a thumb drive, smaller. And then that goes under the skin and then the wire leads to the heart. Wow. But she's so sweet. You know, she goes to the hospital and she hates doctors. She thinks they're all trying to rip her off. And, you know know and we're calling

and me and my brother and my sister and my aunt are all calling because it's all happening so fast and my mom is the worst communicator she is so freaked out that she's not keeping us abreast of what's happening and so we keep calling so when she checked out they said you are the most popular patient we've ever had we've never had more people calling and they said and we hate that you're leaving they're all hugging her they're like she she just and she just is like oh my god greg the doctor he would just look in my eyes he was the sweetest man and these nurses are angels like the whole experience here my mom is the kind of person where if she takes a taxi from her house to the airport, Kennedy Airport. It's 40 minutes. And when she gets out, the driver will get her bag out of the trunk.

And then 100% of the time. And go on the flight with her. Will go on the flight with her and make love to her in the bathroom. Now, he will always hug her every fucking time. And whoever she sits on the plane with, she exchanges numbers with by the end of the flight. She's just, you know, my mom, she's just the plane with, she exchanges numbers with by the end of the flight. She's just, you know my mom, she's just the greatest. No, I know, and those people, you know,

it's just like at the end of my life, I'm going to be like, why wasn't I more like that? You are. You're very much like that. I was about to say you are, but I don't think we, we're not in that league. We're not in that, No, we're not. It's a different generation.

Also, we're not. I can explain. I can speak for myself. I have the ability to really obviously bond with someone and all, but usually they have to show me their cards first, like at a party. And you're not like that. You do your hands above your head. You do your little rituals to get you in that mode, and it's amazing you have that self-awareness not like that. You do your hands above your head. You do your little rituals to get you in that mode.

And it's amazing you have that self-awareness to do that. And you let it hang out there more. But like I said, I will always wind up with the biggest characters in the room. But why aren't I the one doing that first? I don't know. But I know that everybody that you've ever worked with that I run into just fucking raves about having had you mostly as a boss.

It's mostly people that work for you that say you're the best boss they ever had. And and I think it's it's nice how like you the way you've bonded with your dad's friends over the years. Yeah, I think you respect them. And I think you realize that you put the context on these guys. You know, the charisma that your father has and my father has, it's a generational thing. They just, they grew up in the Bronx. You had to be bigger than life to stand out amongst all the people that are, they're fucking, they're still going for the American dream. They're not there yet.

They are going bigger. They are ascending. They are. And so there's a way that they had of, you know, being the alpha all the time, but also being very caring about it. Where did your mom grow up? The Bronx. Yeah.

Both of my parents from the Bronx as well. But, uh, but your mom, yeah, has your mom has that charisma. Obviously you attracted your dad, but your mom has, your mom has that charisma. Obviously you've attracted your dad, but your mom is hysterical. Yeah. She's great. And, uh, you know, she like we'll play golf and, uh, you know, usually it's the two of us. So when you go to the golf course, they pair you up with two other people to make a foursome and golf is, you know, it's, it's a guy's sport mostly. And I'll come home from the golf course and Aaron will be like, oh, you played with Steve.

How's his wife's cancer? And I'll be like, he birdied four. He hit a six iron from like 170. Yeah. But we'll get off the course. And again, hugs. Good luck to your son at Michigan State. I think he should do the English major.

You know, like knows everything about him. Yeah. And yeah. And then a lot of the guys, the older guys will hit on her on the course. Yeah. Well, I'm so psyched that this, also the pacemaker, I think, removes issues, like kind of problem solved in most cases, right? Like for a while. Oh, no, it's 99% effective rate.

It's unbelievable. They fucking nailed it. You said she might have to keep a closer eye on her diet and stuff like that? Yeah, you know, it's not, I talked to her about it yesterday. It's not as bad as I thought. She mostly eats chicken and, um, she tries to eat,

you know, vegetables at every meal. And I just think she also has candy bars and shit like that. But you know, that's not the worst thing in the world. And she has one, she has one glass of wine a night, which I think is actually good for your heart.

Yeah. I think, no, I think, I think, yeah, depending, depending on the year. The studies always just jump back and forth to good, bad, good, bad.

It's like cholesterol. I got to get her to stop snorting her Geritol, though. I was going to say I shouldn't send her. I have extra powder. I have grind. I have extra grind here. All right. Let's get to it.

I spent the morning, by the way, speaking of fucking medical to it i spent the morning by the way speaking of fucking medical thing i spent the morning caring for my uh son and wife who both work in a doctor's office so they got their second shot they got the moderna shot that's oh i don't know i've lost track of which is which i just i don't want to step on your story i i have heard about the second shots however the second shot with modererna kicks your ass. They were both up all night. Erin was so hot, she laid on the tiles in the bathroom to cool down. Yeah.

Naked? Completely naked. Her heaving bosoms. What is she, an IG star already? Naked on tile floors in the bathroom. That sums up Instagram. Yeah. It looked a lot of like

like fiona apple's video for uh yeah yeah uh what is it the not trouble fuck i'll get in a minute love that song uh not criminal criminal criminal and so uh i was gonna say outlaw so she woke up with a splitting headache they both were no i think she might have thrown up. And so I kind of looked after them before I bailed. Didn't affect your erection at all though, right? To completion? No, the key is you don't need foreplay. When they feel like that, they almost don't want the

foreplay. And they're sweating so much. Yeah, already. They're ready to go. Why am I saying they? My wife. Oh, I assumed it was both. Oh, God. I know, we're referring to her jugs, wife. Oh, I assumed it was both. Oh, God. No, we're referring to her jugs, man. Yeah, yeah. What?

All right, so poor sick Aaron. Her jugs. So I love that. I also want to bring back pecker. I want to single-handedly bring back the word pecker. I think it's too far. Yeah, you pecker. I think it's too far. Yeah, you pecker. I don't know.

I think pecker, I think of a child's penis. It's a little pedophilic. That's even better, calling someone a pecker. Yeah. Was pecker wood, was that also a saying? Pecker wood is what black people call white people. I think you're making that up. Nope.

Huh. Nope. Huh. Anyway. I remember it from, there was a sketch on SNL with Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase, where they came in. That graduated to mighty strong language. Yes.

Yeah, they came in and he did a word association with them. And he said, he said black. And Richard Pryor association with them and he said uh he said black and rich prior says white and he said uh colored and rich prior said honky and he said negro and he said peckerwood and then chevy chase said the n-word and chevy and then rich, dead, dead honky. Yeah, I think it was honky. Yeah.

Maybe Peckerwood was earlier. Maybe it was earlier. Anyway. I don't remember Peckerwood. How was Owen's reaction to the second shot? Same thing. Up all night, you know, and the arm fucking kills apparently from where you got the shot.

Yeah. I told you when I went in for the guy goes, oh, you're up for your second shingles vaccine. Oh. I didn't even remember taking the first one. So this is the thing, listeners. I guess when you're over 50, they now have a vaccine for shingles,

which can totally kick your ass for long periods of time if you get shingles. I've never had shingles, which can totally kick your ass for long periods of time. If you get shingles, I've never had shingles. So anyway, uh, this is my, I only go to the doctor in theory once a year. And so this is, well, who knows what the snorting of the, uh, Ritalin now, but anyway, I'll be going a lot more to get more prescriptions, but, uh, got the flu shot. Cause I've, it is, I only going for my yearly exam, got my flu shot. And then the guy goes, oh, you're due for the vaccine, which arm? And so I stupidly think, well, this arm might hurt already. Why not do the other arm? So anyway, fast forward to that night. I can't sleep on either

side. For people that are listening, what's this arm and the other arm? You mean you got it in your right arm? Well, so I have two arms. Yeah. I don't think this story is that hard to follow. So I got it in one arm, and then I stupidly say, yeah, put it in the other arm. I am pointing to my right arm right now. Oh, I got you. And then I couldn't sleep on my side, which is all I do.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I should have loaded up on the one arm. Right, right. This is fascinating talk. No, I do that. When I used to be shit-faced, jerking off, and it would take an hour and 15 minutes, I would switch arms. And same thing.

Couldn't sleep, had to sleep on my stomach, which then got all over the sheets. It's also hard to jerk it when you're sleeping on your stomach. Yeah, right. Unless you have one of those milking tables. By the way, did you finish the series, Dave? Yeah, yeah, the milking table is hysterical. One of his obsessions is the milking table. Yeah, yeah.

That series is so good. I can't wait for it. There's so many shows that had a great first season and i'm waiting for the second one but the fucking corona shut down production can't wait to talk about entertainment later i watched the britney documentary okay good i want to talk about this other documentary and yeah we have a lot to talk about song let's give a shout out to mitch robinson and the commodores wow who did a very fucking cool uh very cool song um far as the logo last week's logo we must have got more feedback from that than almost any we've ever done that was the uh the one of gilligan's island that was for

craig godette that's interesting okay this week's is Eric Chirilanzio. Which one did we go with? We went with... You can just put him in here. How about that? The logo this week was... It was from the Super Bowl. It was you paying me $400 from the Super Bowl.

Did you see that one? No, I didn't see that, but I don't need to remember that. I'm sure it'll be up on the screen for those of you that are watching on YouTube, which more and more people are watching, but still not huge numbers on YouTube. I know nothing about our numbers. How are we doing as a podcast?

We're doing good. We've grown steadily, but we could use a bump. Tell your friends, people, this podcast should be number one. And we're going to shoot for that in 2021. Tell a friend. Subscribe. We can't be number one. You can't have no topical podcast other than maybe the New York Times, the Daily or whatever.

A topical podcast can't be one. You don't have people. Although oddly we do have people because look, look how topical we've been. But people do go back and listen. We get a lot of mail that says that. No. Well, our producer, Chris Denman, you know, he does a podcast and he's number one on parlor. No, I know the Maga Den. Yeah. I think. Yeah. Yeah. I think that it's an amazing podcast yeah yeah uh and that's topical that's very topical it tells you where to go at the capital which

doors have been breached it's very it's very current yeah he posted it was really you know it was nice to see him you know with, with hard news. He posted just the Republican arguments from the Senate this week. Right. Because those were spot on. Sunday paper's tackling all the big stories. We will hit Aunt Jemima. We will hit a TikTok user getting chlamydia in her mouth. Yeah, what else?

What else? But we won't be doing the second impeachment. There is an impeachment of a president that we are not covering on Sunday Papers. You're welcome. Because Springsteen, having a shot of tequila on a motorcycle, that pushed it out. Yeah. We also have a pretty great Florida man. Great.

Two Florida mans. And I'm not even going to explain it. And a little segment that i've titled florida maine we also have a florida maine oh nice i can't wait to talk about britney and then well let's not let's try no i think we just do this and we say goodbye uh let's try to uh not have as many corrections this week man we got hammered this is from uh humor meter just so you know the ppp program closed last year with 134 billion dollars unclaimed i think that's i think the total they gave out was like 800 billion and 134 did not get used and i checked on this and it's true

so i was complaining defense was this a defense of Tom Brady taking his million? Well, that's my point. I don't care how many is left over because that money will get filtered into the next giveaway. It still doesn't excuse Tom Brady taking a million. It's the giveaway to the multimillion dollar corporations, the banks and all of that. And then all these companies that then use it for buybacks to art of the don't get a fuck it. Just don't get me started on the stock market.

This one comes from splash lad. Uh, three trillion. I knew this was coming. The commitment, the commitment on my incorrect information is really what stood out last week. Fran Lebowitz and Annie Lebowitz are not sisters.

Yes. Not even spelled the same. The funniest thing was our friend Dennis Gubbins was like, just the conviction. I gave you at least two opportunities to back out of that preposterous claim. And you're like, nope. I was like, I really don't think so. Well, that's the key. That's the key to living in Hollywood.

Doesn't matter if you're right as long as you have conviction. Oh, boy. Danny Theobald said Gibbons said Adam Levine performed last year's Super Bowl halftime show, which everyone hated. J-Lo and Shakira performed last year. Levine was the year before that. How could I forget? Although both years, there were pussies right in my face, so I couldn't remember them.

I got to tell you, we watched the Super Bowl at your sister's house the year that Jay, last year with J-Lo and Shakira. It was a strip club. That was one of the best fucking halftime shows of all time. That was fucking sick. I don't need to like someone like this fucking weekend to impress me. So like,

I really will never, ever listen to like a J-Lo song. Not, you know, whatever. Still, props. She knows how to make

a stadium feel small. Yes. She knows how to put on a show. You know, total props. Madonna. Not a huge Madonna fan. Man,

did she do a great fucking show. You and the Madonna, yeah. I was a little, I laughed a little too much during that halftime show at her, but she was injured. She was injured, I remember. She awkwardly tried to get up and, you know, do something with a chair, I remember.

Anyway. There was, Dan Somers said, it was quite amusing that in your correction segment, when correcting the word mispronunciation, you cited a piece regarding Frau Blucher. The problem being you mispronounced the character's name. Phonetically, it's Frau Blucher. So that's really important that we found that out. Well, why did you even read this correction?

Well, the last one I want to get to is not our, it's not our correction. It's Hilaria Baldwin, who she, the 36-year-old yoga instructor and Alec Baldwin's wife took a moment to apologize for not being more clear about her heritage after being accused of exaggerating her connection to Spain. Quote, I've spent the last month listening, reflecting, and asking my... I love these fucking celebrity apologies. Oh my God. She talked about Black Lives Matter. Did she just repost her Black Lives Matter sort of reaction to this? And asking myself how I can learn and grow.

My parents raised my brother and me with two cultures, American and Spanish. And I feel a truce this is all based on the fact that she speaks with a spanish accent having grown up in fucking boston yeah uh the way i've spoken to myself and my deep connection to two cultures could have been better explained yeah and you could have dropped the accent also no yeah como se dice fraud she was on a cooking show and she goes, she held up a cucumber. She goes, what do you call this in America? Yeah.

And she like vacationed in Spain a few times as a teenager. That was the, that's where she picked up the accent. Speaking of traveling, I will be doing some tour dates once the coronavirus ends. On March 25th, I will be in Raleigh, North Carolina. Wow. Philadelphia on April 22nd. San Francisco, April 29th. Those are all weekend dates.

So go to FitzDawg.com, pick up some tickets, come out and say hi. Let's do it, Mike. You got a newspaper there? Oh, shit. No, I could go get one. Oh, yeah, I, Mike. You got a newspaper there? Oh, shit. No, I could go get one. Oh, yeah, I got one. I got one. Do you?

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! You're going to do them this week. That looks soft, dude. It's soggy. It's soggy.

Okay, let me see if I have a newer one. Okay, you start this story i'm gonna go i'm gonna go get a newspaper you start reading springsteen all right i'm gonna read springsteen you go ahead so bruce springsteen who's my fucking hero you can see him on my wall behind me even though it's actually not a it's not a great uh springsteen drawing but it was given to me by my brother, who I love dearly. So I put it up on my wall. And anyway, so Bruce got in a little bit of trouble last week. He was arrested at Gateway National Recreation Area in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, and charged with DWI, reckless driving, and consuming alcohol in a closed area.

Fucking Morgan Roll. He took a shot of alcohol with fans in the park after taking a photo with them. Then he got on his motorcycle, and apparently the police officer told him to take 40. Springsteen took 45 steps during the walk and turn test instead of the instructed 18 yes that's how you become a fucking superstar

you go the extra mile you give them more than they ask for that's why he does 4 and a half hour concerts that's why he's got 13 people in his band you go big or you go home why not keep walking that's your getaway exactly fuck the motorcycle.

Here's my escape route. Just toe to heel, toe to heel in a straight line for four miles. So I don't know why you bust this guy's balls. he just did a Jeep commercial, which they had courted him for years to do a Jeep commercial. And he finally agreed. And it was very heartfelt. It was very Americana. I forget the message. But his terms were only if it could be 15 degrees

and I ride with the top off because I'm tough and my plugs keep my head warm. Yeah. And so Jeep pulled the commercial. He did it during the Super Bowl. What bastards. Yeah. And, I mean, what better commercial for Jeep than driving while intoxicated?

You prove that this thing, it can go over curbs. It can go through bushesbs it can go through bushes it can outrun a cop it drives outside the lines face it right but also it's just such a is it back up now that they found out the details um because the details uh paint a different story I think that these advertisers are pussies. I stepped away for a minute. Did you read the story? Yeah.

About he had a shot. He was not driving while intoxicated. He consumed a shot of Patron tequila, then got on his motorcycle to start the engine. That's all he did. Yeah. Yeah. And blew a.02, which is 25 of the legal limit yeah yeah now this is bullshit this it's hard to be a saint in the city these days oh god

i'm sorry i felt like i had to do one song reference that's why i left the closet i thought i gave you the time to get that shit out of your system. Mm. So, now you have me thinking of other titles that I could use against you. But anyway. He's born to walk.

Oh, no. Born to walk a straight line. Screwed door slam. All right, so, all right, here's the thing. Are you thinking, is everyone thinking?

I don't think I'm alone on this, obviously. He was very supportive of Black Lives Matter. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And that this cop probably doesn't see eye to eye to him. Oh, I see. I see. I mean, come on. That has to be. This guy went out of his way to bust bust him, I think. Yeah, I think so. I mean, Bruce really represents.

I mean, he's in the Tim Robbins, you know. Janine Garofalo, like far left camp, He is a mouthpiece for the left, big time. You know, you name a benefit for a liberal cause, he's there. And he's very supportive of the working man and all that. And what happens is things have gotten so distorted in this country, like he normally would have been probably incredibly supportive of like the police union. You know what I mean? I wonder though since black lives

matter erupted i wonder uh even locally what his what his thing what springsteen's has vocalized regarding police right um because this seems if anything this you think would have been a story reported by the people that springsteen did a shot with, like the cop watched him do a shot, got on his motorcycle or maybe someone else parked in there. And like, he's just royalty. If you're Springsteen, you can drive drunk and jerk. You know, I'm surprised it wasn't that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he was miffed with the homoerotic energy with him and clarence clemens on stage maybe he thought it was too close for a white man to get to a black man interesting okay speaking of black speaking of black crinkle that paper mike yes hold on there we go uh the brand formerly known as Aunt Jemima finally has a new name. Pearl Milling Company. That's the name of your syrup now. That's a fun name. Yeah, it was founded in 1888 and is the originator of the iconic self-rising pancake mix.

of their iconic self-rising pancake mix. They're going to rebrand it because the origins are based on a racial stereotype. It used to feature a black woman named Aunt Jemima who was dressed as a minstrel character. The image changed over time. They removed the mammy handkerchief at one point. That was a big step. Yeah.

But they said it perpetuated racial stereotypes from the days of slavery. They said they want to make progress towards racial equality. Well, what better way than giving it that name? Hey, pass the Pearl Milling Company, and can I get another glass of the Newark Orange processing plant?

I want to call it Aunt Millie. And I'm going to cut Jemima's picture off and put it on my, I'm going to refill my old Aunt Jemima with the new Pearl Milling Company contents every week. By the way, you know, you know, in that there's zero maple syrup in aunt jemima oh that's why i said yeah it was made this shit's got to be made in newark you know when you drive through newark and you just smell fucking rat poison and that's where they're making all the food it's like ginger ale where there's no ginger in it yeah or or so negligible they can't list it in the ingredients. Or orange drink. When it doesn't say orange juice, if it says orange drink, it means there's no orange in it. Cheese, food,

we can go on forever. Oh, sure. But why not move on to the next one? Oh, here we go. Three people who survived on coconuts for 33 days before they were rescued from an uninhabited island in the Bahamas are now in Immigration and Customs Enforcement custody. A helicopter crew spotted the stranded trio waving a large makeshift flag during a routine air patrol. They found them between the Florida Keys and Cuba. Huh. Were they like, we're here for the fire festival.

We paid $13,000 each. Right. And there's only coconut water that we have to harvest. Yeah. How did you not see? How did you see us? Oh, because we don't have anywhere to sleep and we're out on the beach. Wait.

So I didn't hear about this story. I saw it two minutes before our podcast here. How did they get there? They were Cubans that were fleeing Cuba, and their boat just lost its way and then capsized, and they ended up on this island. I didn't know that. You said three people.

I'm not going to assume Cubans when you say people. Oh, hey now. Well, it turns out they were Cuban, but one was a gay professor. One was a talentless starlet. And the other one was a married guy who was a big Trump supporter. Oh, did the Harlem Globetrotters visit them while they were on this island? I just love they got rescued. You know, they showed up and to bust their balls, they're like, let's celebrate.

We made you some pina coladas. No? Okay. No? Honestly, all right. You're a writer on Gilligan's Island. And they come in the door and they're like, you got to work the harlem globe trotters into the script somehow i mean if you weren't already so close to killing yourself working on gilligan's island like

all the technology that the professor has and just the like you must ask yourself like what and somehow it worked but like what what are we making here, honestly? Are they that stupid? They're rescued every week, but they blow it. But then it's like the producers hand you the Harlem Globetrotters. I mean, do you even blink at that point? You're probably just so given up. You're like, yeah, of course. I'm just the opposite.

I would fucking love to write on a show that has no parameters, where the network says, we can get Pearl Jam next week. And the week after that, we can get, you know, Jay-Z. Great. Fucking great. Let's write an insane script that makes no sense, where we don't have a network executive going, I mean, you're the one always complaining about your scripts getting network notes of like no it's got to be more believable the characters have to be

more organic i uh like alf remember alf yeah or uh sigmund and the sea monster. Oh my God. The Addams family. But it's kind of like Alf is going to join, you know, NSYNC for a week. It's like, okay, sure. Yeah. All right. Absolutely. That didn't happen, but why not? Why not? Those guys put in a six hour work day and they were hot.

The guy who wrote on Alf, wasn't there a movie about him? He was doing heroin the whole time he was writing on ALF? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Fod, no, the Fod. Oh, that guy. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, I forget his name.

And he was a good writer. He was a very successful writer. Stiller played him in the movie. Oh. Permanent Midnight, Midnight something. Yes. Stahl. It's for producer Chris Denman. Jerry Stahl.

There we go, Jerry Stahl. I had it, Chris, before you typed it in the script. All right. By the way, good news on my front. I sold a show this week. Come on. The Grandma one? Sold the Grandma show to TBS.

We're going to develop a script with them. Congratulations. thank you very much thank you me and mike dugan my partner my game show partner dugan as you know worked with him dugan's the best we uh we first met back in 97 when he created a game show that i hosted for mtv and since then over the years we've sold this probably like our third or fourth comedy game show that we've sold. And none of them have gotten on the air. But I got a good feeling about this one, Mike. That's so cool.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I love Dugan. We worked together on Spike Ferriston's late night show. He's awesome. He is awesome. Does this take care of your health insurance? No, this would be non-union because it's a game show. I got one of those also in animation.

Yeah. Yeah. Boy, the union better not lose its money because huge efforts are being made to crush them. Um, all right, let's talk about TikTok. Talk to me. Okay. TikTok. about tiktok talk to me okay tiktok uh tiktok user uh jermaine shepherd fan whatever went viral after she told people she contracted chlamydia in her lungs in her lungs from smoking a bad

vape cartridge that's a really bad vape cartridge. In October, you got super, uh, this is her talking in October, you get super, super sick with pneumonia and you try to tell everybody in your family that you felt like it was something more than that. Um, you tried to tell the doctors and the hospitals that it was something more than that. You suffered with a fever for almost 13 days. Nobody believed you. They just kept testing you for COVID, testing you for antibodies, testing you for hepatitis, literally anything. Everything was negative. Finally, it comes back that you have chlamydia in your lungs from vaping and smoking a bad cart. Somehow the smoke made its way into her asshole, too, which was really weird.

Just be honest with your boyfriend. You're involving the medical community, your family. Just like, oh, my God. All right. Okay, you got this sexually transmitted disease from a plastic vaping thing i respect the creativity i expect the crazy i mean it's almost like you ever watch to catch a predator and you see when these guys are busted by chris hansen and they recognize them because they're predators so they watch watching to catch a predator when you are a predator must be the fucking like they I wonder if they get off on it, you know. And so so they can't. But the excuses they come up with, like, well, what are you doing here to meet this 13 year old girl?

I was just trying to help her out. You know, she said she was having trouble in biology and, you know, I was good at it. And I like the insanity that comes out of their mouths. 13. Wait. Oh, oh yeah. My computer, sometimes the threes look like an eight. So that's what went on there. Even 18 goes too young for me.

Yeah. I have dyslexia. I thought she was 31, which I thought was weird that she has algebra homework. Now it makes sense. Yeah. Honey, it's not like he came in my lungs. I mean, clearly the chlamydia is from some way that no one's ever caught chlamydia before. I already told you the whole doctor's community was expecting that i mean no i know they rejected my claims of it forever until i forced them until they just discharged me from the hospital and said fine

you have chlamydia in your lungs you lunatic yeah i wonder if she has to smoke the penicillin or can she just swallow it or she has to she has to crush it up even finer than my Ritalin, and then she has to make it into a cloud and inhale it. She has to shake it in a bag and then stick her face in the bag and inhale the penicillin. That's fucking great. Oh, boy. All right. Are we moving on to international? Yeah, it's time for international. Let's go around the world.

That's a fresh paper. Okay. So, as you know, Japan is hosting the 2020, wait a minute, 2020 Olympics. Also, I'd love it if they still called it 2020. I love it. And then they could just confuse the year forever. No one knows what year it is. Yeah. So the guy who is the chief of the Olympics, Yoshiro Mori, is resigning due to fallout after sexist remarks he made at a meeting.

He said that, quote, board meetings with lots of women take longer because women are competitive. If one member raise hand to speak, others might think they need to talk, too. How fucking great is that? The white ones. Who told them they can talk and how my god this is my favorite story of the week i i didn't really fully take it in i didn't even write any material on this i love this yeah it's great and the best part about it is no japanese women can pile on him for this because they would just be proving his point. Well, right. And also, of course, they took offense. And so this meeting is still going on.

It did become that. This meeting, this poor guy, Yoshiro, is still talking about this meeting. Yep. Yep. And he also said that he took offense to people who are calling him a rougai, which is a Japanese term that's used to imply that the elderly are of no use and, in fact, a hindrance to society. So ageism, ageism is is fine but not sexism i'm tired as somebody who's 54 who's beginning to feel the footsteps of ageism a little bit who's who's finding less meetings for writing jobs and again you know i'm not blaming the the white guy thing i'm blaming age you know

you you fucking age out of this business pretty fucking young. AIDS? You're blaming AIDS? Yes. As soon as I had sex with that Haitian dude, I found my career just went down the shitter. Greg, Greg, you only borrowed his vape pen. Yes, you also had sex. That's not how you got it. Oh, no.

Once you vape with a guy, things just get intimate. You know what it is? It's like, okay, ro guy, which is the okay boomer. Yeah, no. Why don't you vape with a guy? Things just get intimate. You know what it is? It's like, okay, ro guy, which is the okay boomer. Yeah, right. Ro guy's literal translation is boomer. Yeah. But I fucking love this Japanese guy. First of all, Japanese historically, the corporate culture, please spare me any corrections you guys are going to write me,

but the corporate culture, which America was very much exposed to, Japanese corporate culture, in the 80s, when Japan really began an amazing economic comeback and then domination, what we saw in that culture was very little talk, especially from the boss. The boss was a listener, like the quintessential or stereotypical Japanese-like corporate meeting was a sage, wise CEO at the head of the table, not speaking, just listening. And then you only said what was a very important and necessary and essential. And then that was Wade. So you also have that. So this guy keep in mind, thinks everybody probably talk, especially other countries that don't, that aren't as sort of a stoically, uhically nonverbal as Japanese culture. So anyway, and then forget you bring women into the equation.

No, in Japan, the misogyny in Japan is pretty bad. They talk about it a lot. You know, women are, I mean, you just watch Japanese porn. And by that, I mean, I watch Japanese porn. You research, you research. And it is so fucking misogynistic. The things that they do to the women and just the men are so gross to them. It's like...

Unlike our porn. Well, I think our porn women are more aggressive. They're more like... No, no, I get it, They're more like there's a premium on them coming. Japanese women don't come in the porn. All right. This is going a little deep. This is a deep dive. All right.

It's all on my blog. It's all in my blob, I should say. Can we maybe lighten up the international section by going to Nazis? Let's do it. German prosecutors have charged a 100-year-old SS concentration camp guard with aiding and abetting the murder of 3,500 people. Wait, what did she do? She.

Oh, sorry. I didn't want to assume it was he. Okay, go ahead. The charges include the use of the poison gas Zyklon B. Ooh. Yeah, that's a bad one. As well as other shootings in the Sachsenhausen concentration camp. You nailed it.

Don't write any emails. He nailed that pronunciation. A psychiatrist found the man able to attend the trial, though only for a few hours a day with breaks. Yeah. Yeah. Let's take it easy on the guy. You know, he must be tired after signing all those autographs down in Argentina for the guys with the shaved heads. That's such a good joke.

No joke. Yeah, really. He's exhausted. You know how know how i mean ticker tape parade every wednesday oh my god high-fiving guys with uh swastikas on their necks sign this guy up for a tv show he must be adorable yeah hundred years old yeah hundred year old nazi jesus he was old no i guess no what 20 i guess he was 20 we would have been born in 1920 so he would be yeah so he's 100 years old he was in his early 20s sorry early 20s you know in his prime that's you know great age for the nazis so he aided and abetted the murder of 3 518 people that that's a very exact number they didn't even round it to the 20

i know how do they the germans listen say what you willbelievably fastidious when it comes to paperwork. Yep. And the efficiency of production. Yeah. And it's 3518, proudly they wrote down in 1946. And it was not like, you know, there were 100,000 people killed at this particular concentration camp. I think that's what I read. It was like 100,000 killed. So he only So he was responsible for just 3518 of those. So yeah, it is insane. I mean, they kept records. If you're Jewish and you want to go back and research a relative that died in the Holocaust, you can find out everything about the process, how they were killed, where they were

killed, when they were separated from their family members. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's all written down. Meanwhile, good luck with me doing my 2020 taxes. I can't even find taxi receipts. I wish I was German. Chris is spinning out because, of course, it's a giant conspiracy theory that there even was a Holocaust. We get it, Chris.

We get it. We get it. Right. Yeah, 3518. That's how many died total in the Holocaust. All he talks about are the gypsies. Yeah. We get it.

And we know the gypsies, that's a sad chapter for them also. We get it. The best part of Sunday Papers for some people, Florida, man. Part of Sunday Papers for some people. Florida, man. Oh! Okay. Florida metalhead turns dead uncle's skeleton into a guitar.

Yeah, baby. One metal sucks reader from Tampa, of course florida we should just have tampa man tampa manatee tampa man yeah tampa fucking quarterback anyway how about tampa hockey team wins the stanley cup tampa baseball team in the world series. Tampa football team wins the Super Bowl. It's fucking crazy. You know what Tampa is? Tampa is a Vegas casino. It has a theme. They're pirates.

You know they have a giant, huge, citywide party with pirate ships and everyone dresses as pirates? You mean rapists? I mean, that's essentially what pirates are, aren't they? Well, they don't save the raping for one day in Tampa. It's year round. But on this one day, and it's like called like Buccaneer Days or I don't know. Chris can maybe look it up. It's called, it's not Buccaneer Days, but it's something like that.

And the whole city, it's like Halloween, and they go crazy. Yeah. Anyway. I used to work in it. But it really was. Before these themed hotels, it really is like, it's like a vague, and it is like what happens in Tampa stays in Tampa. The most strip clubs, right, in the country.

Most strip clubs. Portland and Tampa are rival. Gasparilla, there it is. The most strip clubs right in the country. Portland and Tampa arrival. Gasparilla, there it is. The Pirate Festival. And I used to do a club in an area called Ybor, Ybor City. And it is like, if you took New Orleans and you stripped away all of the class, that's what it would be. It is just just people on balconies vomiting on cars that are like low rider cars it's every group of people that you don't want to be around it's rednecks in uh in you know pickup trucks that have fucking enormous tires it's uh cubans and low riders it's fucking like runaway girls in the in the in the passenger seat of a fucking car with tinted windows show your boobs you don't even need beads they don't

even take that new orleans little detail of hey here's a quid pro quo you show me your rack i'm gonna throw you some fake plastic beads you don't even need them in tampa yeah right right okay so this guy whose name he goes by the name prince midnight everything about this is perfect built a guitar out of his uncle's skeleton he didn't grind up the bones and make a guitar shape out of them either dude just straight up put a guitar neck and some electronics right through old Uncle Philip's rib cage. And that was that. And we have the before and after picture. The before are some guitar parts next to a skeleton of the pelvis and hips all the way up to the collarbone, all the way up to the top of the ribs.

And then the after picture is those guitar parts right through the rib cage with Prince Midnight or whatever I just called him. Where was he? Yes, Prince Midnight and his, of course, cut-off gloves. And that hair, it's perfectly Florida. And thank God the uncle was tall so he could get the whole fretboard in there i'd love to see him at the funeral come on prince midnight we're gonna

we're gonna head back to your aunt's house for some coffee cake and cold cuts and he's like i'll meet up with you guys later i'm just gonna hang back and say my final goodbyes well well do you want us to take your empty duffel bag with us no i got it i got it good just leave me with uncle just leave me with my uncle for a couple of minutes please is that a wait is that the femur oh you mean the wawa bar or whatever those things are called yeah and he's pissed off it keeps going out of tune because his uncle had scoliosis. It's a little, yeah.

It's easy to get him bending the strings here because his hole, he's fucking whacked, dude. That was almost perfect. I slipped a disc, though. Can I do that one again, that solo? I slipped a disc. Yeah. Oh, my God. You got you gotta see the picture by the way go to the fucking website uh all right brings us to another little section i created i don't have any jokes on this it just terrified me and i'm calling this florida maine

so the headline is the u.s water supply has few protections against hacking. On February 5th, an engineer at a water treatment plant in Oldsmar, Florida, detected that a hacker had accessed the facility's control system and attempted to increase the amount of lye used to treat the water. Increase? Why is there any fucking lye in the water? And he increased it to a potentially dangerous level. The control engineer witnessed the tampering as a ghostly hand moved a cursor over his screen, and he reversed it immediately, officials said.

But the episode highlighted how few protections are mandated to defend the U.S. water supply. Jesus, that was a close one, huh? I mean, first of all, that he happened to be looking at that very second? Yeah. I mean, do they have a simple thing in place like, hey, you know, your password was attempted. You know, like even the rudimentary ones we get when someone tries to use our password, like, hey, your lie levels were just checked.

If you did that, then no problem. No need to even respond. But, uh, holy crap. That is fucking crazy. I mean, with that last break-in, which i guess happened in february of last year they got into the justice department the state department homeland security i mean we are fucking wired by another country right now and that country is russia and let's how about we low tech it up a bit maybe a couple of steps back to manual shit.

Right, right. Let's get some guys out there turning fucking wheels with their hands. I'll tell you, though, remember after 9-11, everyone was like going crazy with, you know, everyone's imaginations were running wild with vulnerabilities, like to terrorism. Like, you know, who would have thought planes into the buildings, right? But I remember the either, I think it was the New Yorker, but it might've been New York magazine. They wrote about the water supply system for Manhattan. Oh no, no. I, that, that was the New Yorker. It comes down from Croton in a giant aqueduct that was built in like 1900. Completely unguarded. Completely unguarded.

And it is based on gravity. Yeah. Basically, they jacked up a pipe to, I don't know, a couple hundred feet in the air in Croton, which is an hour north of the city. And the water flows down a pipe through gravity and it controls a majority of the water that comes to New York City. And at times there's like just it's exposed.

I think at times sometimes that pipe isn't even like a full 360 pipe. Like you see the water kind of like in L.A. You know, when you drive north of here, you see the water coming. You know, we stole all of the water from the Owens Valley and you see it running down a mountain. It's like you see this. It looks like a fake waterfall. It is a manmade aqueduct and the water is racing down it. So I think sometimes it's even exposed. No, and they said if they were to disrupt it, it would Manhattan would be unlivable in a week.

I don't even know how it's livable now. I know. It's a fucking miracle. You know, next week, I'll try to remember. I think it was E.B. White wrote a book called On New York. And he, the best part about it was, I'm reading it and it's like, oh my God, it's like you read my mind. He's like, just looking at him and he's like, you can't fathom how it works. All the flushed toilets in the morning, all the brushed teeth with water running in the sinks. How does it work at all?

Keep in mind when he wrote about this, New York was far less skyscrapers than now. Yeah. But anyway, it's really interesting. It is true. It's so impossible. And it just takes one thing. But what about even poisoning that water, throwing unbelievably toxic amounts? You wouldn't even need that much if it was concentrated. Yeah. God, I saw something on Netflix about, it's some documentary series and it's about spying. And it's about spying and it's about espionage. And one of the chapters is poisoning. And they go through from way back all the way to the present.

And these Russian guys, the guy was poisoned in London. Oh, yeah. But one of them was poisoned with a drop. They put it in his key. He knew enough to meet in public. That didn't even work. They got to the kitchen and they put in a I think it was plutonium, into his coffee or tea. And the drop, the amount of poison was the size of one crystal of sugar.

Yeah. And he was dead the second he sipped his coffee. He died like whatever, an hour later. But it was all over. But this is how powerful this stuff was. later, but it was all over. But this is how powerful the stuff was. When they traced it,

guys in hazmat suits then found the airplane that they traveled from Russia in, and the seats were glowing. Oh, no shit. The guys who poisoned him also completely dead. Wow.

They showed the hotel room. They showed doorknobs. Everything was radioactive on the way with a sugar pellet worth of plutonium to poison him. Right. Well, that guy, Navalny— So throw that. Throw that little pellet. Throw that one piece of sugar in a supply.

I don't want to give them ideas. I'm going to stop talking. No, but I think Navalny was the same thing. The guy that they poisoned and now came back to Russia and then they threw him in jail. They poisoned him. I forgot how they did it, but it was even more subtle how they got it to him. Somebody will correct us. I know why. They put dust on his doorknob. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. And his daughter. He was out with his daughter, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And his daughter. He was out with his daughter, I think. In London. In London. They put just a little dust on his doorknob. This will terrify you if you watch this series. Don't watch it. We always cheer up after Florida Man by doing some entertainment, Mike. I want to go through a few emails we got from you guys. Curtis Wilson said, I wanted to let you guys know about a new movie

that came out on Hulu called In and Of Itself. It's an amazing movie directed by Frank Oz. I'm in. That records the stage performance of Derek Del Guado's New York City One Man Show. I heard that's amazing. Del Guadio, yeah. D.D.

All right, I'll check that out in and of itself. Trisha says, oh my God, I just finished Tell Me Who I Am. You were right. It was powerful. Evoked a lot of questions. This is the movie about the twins, identical twins. I know. I'm wondering, should we give it away?

I guess we've talked about it enough weeks. Go ahead. Well, basically, one twin loses his memory after an accident, and the other twin has to decide whether or not to tell him about horrific abuse they underwent as children. And she says, was it more merciful to leave out the painful memories? What a burden it was for Marcus to have to be Alex's memory. He never asked for that job. What was best for him? I strive to help. I guess she's a therapist. I strive to help my clients

live an authentic life. I believe that people will always have some sort of pain if they don't. Even though Alex didn't have any memory of the sexual abuse, it seemed that he still needed to experience it in order to be authentic. Can a person truly live an authentic life until they turn over all of the stones? Good question. I mean, would you, if you had been abused, I mean, look, we all feel off. Would you, if you had been abused, I mean, look, we all feel off. The human condition, for whatever sick reason, makes us all feel incomplete.

As the Dianetics people would say that we have aberrations, that there are things in our past that have caused us to not be self-actualized. actualized would you want access to a buried memory of abuse if you think that that could help heal you but knowing you would have to go through the pain of dealing with that trauma what would you do probably avoid it look how old i am yeah uh yeah i think, I think there's an under over on the age, whether you want that trauma. Maybe it's 25, 30. Because I'm having fun. I'm not debilitated enough. But that's the issue for me.

So Tricia goes on to say, the last sentence you read there was, can a person truly live an authentic life until they turn over all of the stones? But to what extent do they have to turn them over? So my question would be, but what if you don't know there's a stone? So what happened in this documentary, and this is why I love this documentary because it, it raises these issues and I just think it's the best conversation starter is he, they, so these two twins after their mom died are going through her stuff and they find a disturbing photo of both of them naked also with,

with their heads cut off. And so what happened was he turned to his brother, Marcus, and this is, um, Alex, who has no memory before 18, except that he has a brother didn't even remember the mom. So the only person he remembers in the world is his identical twin brother. And so his brother has to fill him in on everything about life and then leaves that out. But he turns then to his brother and goes, were we abused? So that's, that's a different philosophical question. Like, what do you do then?

That's what she's asking. Cause now he's aware that there are stones that are not an overturned. Yeah. Now he's aware that there are stones that are not overturned. Yeah. And now he's aware that. So I agree with her. But the more interesting. Was he feeling trauma?

Was it just the picture or did that picture make him feel feelings that were starting to come up and he wanted to deal with them? I don't know, because usually when that's the case, it's not an external stimulus. It's not an external trigger. Usually it's percolating organically like you'll have a dream. You'll space out. You'll have an adverse reaction to something that's neutral. In other words, not a photo of you naked. So usually you're so,

so again, kind of, kind of like based, I studied all this, believe it or not in graduate school. And then I did that paper on silence of lamps. Basically it's as Freud lays out in a lot of psychiatrists layout, your body will let a memory that you have buried repressed it will let it percolate when it knows it's you can start to handle it and usually that's not a switch where it's a hundred percent i can handle it so they're disguised their dreams all of a sudden metaphors all of a sudden you become obsessed with cigars or whatever it is because you had the cock in your mouth when you were a kid. So whatever it is, your body has a regulator. Your mind has a regulator on it that is, in theory, administering doses that it thinks you can handle.

Right. Right. Yeah. I had memories of childhood stuff that was almost abuse, like several memories. Like when I was about maybe seven, seven or eight, there was this kid named ****** and his father was a French ambassador to the United States. ambassador to the United States and his brother, we used to wrestle in his room with his older brother. His older brother was like 16. I don't like where this is going. 17. And he used to grab my penis and he didn't like, it didn't get beyond. I get to the almost, get to the almost abused part, which is about a minute ago. But it wasn't like, it didn't make me feel anything abusive.

It didn't make me feel. Especially after I came. I didn't. Oh, merci beaucoup. Oh, Jesus. So it was. Now. Say the name right now.

Wait, why would you say the name right now? Why am I going to get sued? I don't know. It sounds like his dad's powerful. And yeah, of course you can. Let's bleep out the name. Let's bleep out the name. Of course you can get sued, especially you making this bullshit up. No, I remember he would tickle me and he grabbed my penis. And then I remember. He would tickle me and he'd grab my penis.

And then I was... Wait, so wait, walk me through that. He would tickle you. Why was your penis out? It wasn't out. No, he just grabbed it through my pants. He would tickle me and he'd grab my... So it wasn't like, you know,

I wasn't fucking laying prostate in the shower crying. Oh, he's French. That's a handshake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's all it was. Now, did he grab it with his mouth? What did Chris Denman call it again earlier when you grab somebody's cock in a friendly way? A low five?

No, Chris, what did you call that? Oh, did he really call it something? Oh, ringing the bell. Oh, ring the bell. Yeah. I think it's when you grab someone's balls. But then another time I was at my friend's house who lived in the projects, and he lived above a bodega.

And his brother had to— A bodega? It's feminine. His brother showed us a porn movie for the first time. And this is how old I am. It was on a fucking reel-to-reel projector. And he showed us a movie. And then I got an erection.

And I was only 12. I got an erection. And his brother, who's now in jail, by the way, for cocaine trafficking, started grabbing my dick and, hey, you like that? You like that? Wow. So it wasn't molestation,

but it was really on the edge. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And as we've already said, this is what your brain is allowing you to remember right now. That's right. I don't remember the second reel of the movie. Yeah, it turns out.

Yeah, it would. It's a couple of there's a couple of like hidden meanings in there. Like, for instance, it wasn't your these made up foreign guys in the projects and the French guy and all that. It was your uncle and he had a reel to reel theater and you were fucking tossed off in there every weekend. Yeah. I mean, I don't remember anything after I come. So, I mean, I'm at a disadvantage. Yeah. Uh, this one comes from, oh no, let's talk about Britney. You saw Britney. So I, I watched it in preparation for this podcast.

Framing Britney Spears on FX. Uh, all right. So, uh, did you see it? No, I, my wife doesn't want to see it cause she thinks it'll be too depressing. I'm dying to see it. I had the biggest fucking crush on britney's had i still do i find her so attractive there's something about her because she's strong but vulnerable at the same time she's got amazing feet oh geez well you'll see you know I mean, it was like she was this really, really cute and very sexy. Like she had a charisma. She just really like popped, you know, and she was like singing in malls.

And she went from singing in malls. She was singing. Oops, I did it again, I think, or hit me. One of her hits in malls. And then within months, it's global no shit no no i i did not know that part and um so it happened really fast but of course wait a minute she had already been a mouseketeer yes i know but then she was back and went had a normal life for two years in high school oh which i didn't know about that chapter either.

Like, you know, they have pictures of her. I think she was a cheerleader, like, you know, whatever. They had pictures of her in high school, attending high school, which I didn't think she... Was she hot? I think most Mouseketeers, which include Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, there's a lot of them, believe it or not. I don't think they ever go back to normal high school. I be wrong but anyway mario lopez wasn't he one oh maybe uh

that's perfect that's perfect if so anyway he um she so anyway i didn't know that it jumped to fame that fast and then so of course what do executives do like i don't know that it jumped to fame that fast. And then, so of course, what do executives do? Like, I don't know how old she is. Is she 16, 15? Like, let's super shorts, get her tits hanging out, put her in like a completely sexualized school girl outfit for all the creeps out there. Yeah. And it really was-

Wow, you just fucking outed me. It really was exact- No, no. It's not your fault. They completely sexualized someone who was way too- When you step back, you're like,

what the fuck is that? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's not what the documentary's about. I won't talk much about it because you didn't see it, but I'll make it easier for you and Aaron to watch. I was very unimpressed. This is the New York times and it was really no more than a chronology and the people, the talking heads,

they would interview are like former blogger. Like, and, uh, here's a, one of her dancers, like, how about hard hitting psychiatrists? Yeah. Like to, to talk about what was going on. And then I saw a guy I got to know, you know, so on Ferriston, Spike Ferriston, which Dugan and I worked on, we talked about earlier, Spike had a very, uh, well-known bit for his show called Idiot Paparazzi. And we'd run around with real paparazzi. And then, of course, we'd find lookalikes. We would, you know, we would just organically. We'd like, you know, we'd be like, you know, whatever it is like Britney, Britney.

If it was some like older woman looking really run down. It was a very mean bit. But yeah, we'd use real paparazzi. And Dano was one of the paps that we used. And Dano was super famous because he is the guy that Britney attacked with the umbrella. OK, when she was bald. And I think it's the picture that I think it's the most expensive picture ever, like ever taken of Britney. expensive picture ever, like ever taken a Brittany. And what you do is you see the behind, you know, behind, you see what was going on. And of course it's one of those things like Amy Winehouse, you're totally, almost totally on her side. Now, now that you realize the other side of the story of the photos you add, and I was in late night and I was making fun of Brittany also.

of the photos you had. And I was in late night and I was making fun of Brittany also. And, but I was expecting a much more effective documentary. I'll watch it again maybe, but it really is just a time, a glorified timeline kind of. How many parts is it?

One part. Oh, that's it. Okay. Yeah. I mean, Justin, Justin Timberlake in the wake of that special and i think um something happened with janet jackson but he came out and apologized and really a very woke apology with all of the earmarks of you know i'm part of the um white male patriarchy. And I apologize for how I've used that power.

And he's very, and you know, I think it's actually very sincere. I mean, I think, did he come up as sort of like a perpetrator of that in this documentary? Okay, here's the thing. Because he may say they broke up and then he made his bones by writing lyrics, shitting on her. So I didn't know know that i didn't really care about these two or their music at that point and uh you know both of them

in their in their blue jean top and bottom thing with i think they showed up to the mtv awards in that anyway i wasn't into any i was the furthest thing from their music and all that. And so I didn't really follow that. And, uh, but he probably needed to say something cause he looks like a piece of shit in this documentary. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um, and by the way, can he also, can he also apologize for social network and NSYNC or is it just Brittany? Yeah, he, uh, he does not. Yeah. He, he did what I hate Taylor Swift about. Like,

so you're just going to write vindictive things about your exes, you know? Yeah. And then also, you know, she was sticking to that. She was a virgin, you know? Yeah. And then he's like, uh, I fucked her. Yeah. And it's like, wow. Yeah. Uh, if I did, I might've mentioned it. And then, but imagine flipping that, you know what I mean? Like if he really was very religious and claiming all this, and it goes, no, no, I fucked, like it's like, no. Yeah. It's bad form all around. Right.

All right, let's get to this Apple TV+. What is this story? I haven't read this. Okay. Oh, he was a Mouseketeer, Mario Lopez. Ooh. Mario Lopez, I think it is. Ooh, it's an O mouseketeer mario lopez mario lopez i think it is oh it's an omuscateer apple by the way have you ever i spent a lot of time in hotels and every fucking hotel you turn it on and then it defaults to like the hotel channel and it's mar Lopez. I mean, plugging the movies that are on the channel. And you just say,

Mario, why do you not suck on a pistol? Look at your fucking life. Look at your career. Look at how empty and vacuous and phony. And he is the fucking worst. No, but he's also like just this,

um, robot with his big smile and dimples like, what do you want me to read? Okay, I'm in theaters this week. Oh, this movie is great. You should see this. You know, it's like, yeah, it's just this talking robot. Speaking of which, Apple TV Plus is developing a murderous sex robot movie.

I love following this sex robot development and all of AI, obviously, but this is interesting, I thought. So Dolly is the name of this project, is inspired by a short story from Elizabeth Bear that first appeared in Asimov's Science Fiction in 2011. So the story follows a billionaire who is killed by a sex robot, forcing police to determine whether the robot was the murder weapon or the actual murderer. The bot then shocks the world by asking for a lawyer

and pleading not guilty in the ensuing court case. Got it. I think it's fascinating. I mean, it's the future. That's, you know, that's not that far out of the ballpark. Yes.

Chris just put down Ex Machina or however the hell you pronounce that. Yeah. Oh my God. What a fucking great movie that was. That movie was very smart. So smart. It had to be. It was about AI. It was about AI.

It was about things that are smarter than humans. So, but this is an interesting, and we're fast approaching, but we're going to have to deal with issues like this. Like, it's almost like the robot has to be put down. Right. You know what I mean? It's almost like a bear who got a taste of flesh, human flesh. And you're like, yeah, that bear can't unlearn that.

You got to terminate that bear. And they're all connected to the Internet and Bluetooth. And if Russians can hack the water supply in Florida, what's to say? And let's in 10 years, think about how fast technology moves these days. Think about how fluid things move on the internet. Think about the fact that these robots every year are getting more sophisticated. Okay, in 10 years, we've all got robots. And in 10 years, the Russians decide

to program them to fucking destroy us. I mean, that's not that far out. I know, but you know, it's so much scarier than that. There's a trailer of some movie and it was terrifying, but you know, you think of a robot and you're thinking of a dumb human form, you know, stupid fucking legs and arms. It's like this one movie, they were flying bugs. They were the size of like a horse fly and they can read facial expressions. And you're like, uh, the one, the guy we want to kill is in that stadium. Just set the horse fly into

the stadium. The horse fly finds the guy and kills him immediately. No, look at drone use. I mean, why, why send in soldiers when you can send in a drone that has eyes, you can sit in a drone. Right. That has eyes. You can sit in a fucking bunker in Arizona and have eyes on a fucking building in Afghanistan and take it out and then just fucking vanish with no trace. Or send a swarm in and the only directive is kill everything that's breathing. Right.

Go into this city, you swarm of little. Those are the real murder hornets. Speaking of sci-fi, me and the wife just watched the series Watchmen, which I had seen won all the Emmys last year. And we watched it and I get it. I get why it got all the Emmys. This is a fucking masterpiece.

I have to, I have to revisit it. I watched the first episodes of it and this is a fucking masterpiece i have to i have to revisit it i watched the first episodes of it and it was good i just have to go back to it i mean it's not easy it's you gotta work and put it this way normally me and the wife will sit on the couch if it's a friday night we will watch three one hour episodes of a show no problem this one naked on the bathroom floor do you bring a naked on the bathroom floor snorting adderall um it is very intense we watch one episode and then we just watch about four curbing enthusiasms after that to come down from it it's complicated and it's intense but the acting is fucking amazing and the structure the story structure as a writer you just it finishes and you just you feel like you are a fraud that this can be written this way

right anyway watch that check it out and then what did you watch this week well i told you last week about fake famous i think that interesting. I think you and the kids should watch that. It's one of those cautionary tales about, you know, just yet again, what you're seeing online is not real. I guess it could fall under that banner. Yeah. new thing called uh on netflix crime scene and i guess it's a series but this one is the vanishing at the cecil hotel so do you know about this now there's a hotel down in in downtown los angeles that is so infamous for suicides and murders it's it's almost now there's there's a like a dark tourism about it. But before that, just very organically, it has the craziest history and stories. And there was this woman, this Asian woman from Canada who came down here on her own. She was 21 years old. She got permission from her parents to visit Los Angeles.

She's in the hotel. She vanishes. It becomes a huge case. This is in like 2013. And they found the spookiest security footage of her in an elevator. That's not moving. And it looks like there's, she's talking to someone outside and then she does these weird, weird movements. Anyway, I don't want to give anything away. You should watch that. It's pretty good.

You had me at 21 year old Asian girl. Okay. Um, then, uh, Oh, and then I watched, uh,

team Fox catcher, but it reminds me a little bit of that. So great. That Jim Gaffigan, uh, that Jim G Foxcatcher, but it reminds me a little bit of that. So great. That Jim Gaffigan routine, which is like, ever watch something, a movie that's been out a long time, and you want to talk about it with people? Like, hey, have you seen Heat? It's like, yeah, like six years ago. And he's like, but I want to talk about it now.

That's how I feel with Foxcatcher. I watched Foxcatcher just because it came up like on my queue or whatever. And then I immediately went to watch the documentary on it. And yeah, what a complete lunatic. What a lunatic. And what a performance by Steve Carell. Amazing. You talk about comedic actors that can do drama.

You know, people like Jim Carrey and even Belushi did some. But holy shit, is he good. Oh, no, I know. Well, look at like Better Call Saul. It's all comedians. Right. Playing the heaviest roles, you know? Right, right.

Look at Robin Williams. Robin Williams. um look at uh look at um uh robin williams robin williams look at um who's the guy from home improvement oh yeah tim allen tim allen i mean his sitcoms the fact that he does drama during sitcoms and doesn't go for laughs, really. Yeah. That's restraint. That's real restraint. He must be tempted constantly to say something funny, especially in a multicam. But nope, he just holds. Now, when I hear he really digs in, he'll go into the writer's room after a taping and go, guys, you got to fucking step up and stop taking the easy way out with jokes. Right.

You're deflecting. You're deflecting. I also saw Mank. Did you see Mank? Did see Mank. What did you think? I thought it was one of those movies that says, we're going to win somebody an Oscar. It doesn't say we're going to make a coherent story that moves.

It becomes a showcase, like Apostle with Robert Duvall. It doesn't, it didn't work. I thought it lost its way also. I also resented, I, you know, study, whatever, in college, that's where my love of Citizen Kane began. And I did a paper there. And then since then, you know, I knew Pauline Kael tackled that issue. The big mystery of how much of Citizen Kane did Orson Welles write? Like, should his name have been on the script even at

all? And the overwhelming evidence is, yes, he had a huge, obviously, he was the star, the director, and, you know, the originator of the whole project. But he had a huge hand in writing it also. And they've studied the drafts, some of them even inconclusive, but also how different the final draft was even from what wound up on screen. Well, you should say rewrite. He rewrote it. Right. He rewrote what was

first from Mank a 300 page script. And so I kind of also was like I really wanted to see that part and it's the last scene of the movie and they don't even go to it right now act three had problems act three went on forever and nothing happened i wish man could have written manc sorry i wish orson welles could have written bank. All right. Let's skip sports this week because we already covered the big bet.

You got it. And go to, should we do science? How far along are we? Yeah, we're pretty far along here now. Let's save it. You want to go to business? All right. We got to go to business because we have to announce the bet is on. have to announce the bet is on we have both joined investopedia which is a site that allows you to do a uh a fantasy stock portfolio basically and uh i've already bought you get you get a hundred thousand dollars on it i've already i've purchased twenty thousand it doesn't start till monday i put in the order it doesn't officially buy it

until the market opens on Monday. Did you buy any stocks yet? So last week you saw these four ticker symbols I put in here, right? These were your predictions from last week, right? Yeah. So Saturday, this exact, you know, you copy this into the new doc. Those were the four. And then I said, all right, don't tell him because I haven't bought it yet. You know, like in other words, not that we have all these listeners who would buy it. But so then I was going to buy them Monday morning when the market opened. And I think I send you the text. Jesus, did I call it?

So I still haven't bought them because they went up so much. They opened so much higher Monday morning. All right, here, I'll find it. One of them was up 20%. One was up 18%. Here it is. Too bad I couldn't buy the four stocks I listed on Google Doc over the weekend. Here's what they're up today.

You ready? So here's the symbols. weekend. Here's what they're up today. You ready? So here's the symbols. H-I-M-X. When I wrote you at 9.56 a.m. on Monday, that's Pacific time, it was up 18% that morning. C-T-R-M was up 22% that morning. And then C-R-I-S, the only one that feels like a stock I would buy, was down 2% that morning. Now tell people where you got these stock tips. It's hilarious. From my lunatic friend who is in the Reddit army and Craig.

No, sorry. No, you overheard the guy at the next cubicle. No, I'm sorry. CTRM, which was up 22%. And then it kept going up this past week. And then it went down like 15% on Friday. Still haven't bought it, though. So that's the lunatic friend.

The other three, this old guy sits next to me in another glass enclosed office at a WeWork type thing. It's called Spaces here in Santa Monica. So in my office, there's a guy and he just talks with his loud New York Jewish accent on speakerphone.

And it's so loud I have to put headphones on, except I take the headphones back a little bit when I hear him say, hey, I got a tip. And so he listed HIMX, LCTX and CRIs. He listed those as fun. They're little stocks. Some of them I think might be a penny stock. And he listed those, and I, of course, wrote them down and have kept an eye on them. And I did buy one of them in real. I think I bought H-I-M-X, I think.

All right. Well, our competition begins on Monday morning at the opening of the stock market. And whoever makes more money between now and July 4th wins $100 from the other guy. And we are inviting you guys to also be in the competition with us. So what do you get, $100,000? You get $100,000.

Go to Investopedia. It's a little tricky finding the fantasy game, but it's the one that's just called, like, No End to 2020. Wait, hold on. I'll look it up so people know exactly what it is. All right, so we have to get on this. So I signed up, but I think it's just for me. I get an imaginary $100,000 thousand and then I would track my progress,

like something I could do like with your kids. Like that's the idea. What's the public one? You scroll down. It's not, when you get to the homepage, scroll down until you see one that says stock simulator and just click on get started. And it'll take you to a page where you create an account it takes five seconds and then you just hit trade there's a trade button and you enter the stock symbol of any stock you want and you get to play with your hundred thousand dollars i have to look into if you can all get on the same page and compete but if you just take take a screenshot of your page when you start your account and send it to us so we know what date you started and then uh and then on july 4th we will give a hundred dollars to whoever does best out of all of you.

We will pay $100. I spaced out. What? You and I, we're each going to put in $50. And we're going to give it to whoever makes the most on Investopia between now and July 4th. The advice that anyone who knows me that I should be giving myself is I should just not invest $100,000 and have $100,000 at the end of

this. There was a parable in the Old Testament about a father who had three sons and he had a fortune. Should I still be listening? I already checked out. Go ahead. And they all stood to inherit this money. And he said, I will give each of you X number of shekels. Might have been Jewish. And he said, let's see what you do with it. So one guy gets nervous. One guy invested heavily. He starts his own businesses.

He runs his own businesses. The second guy just invested in the stock market where he's got a fixed gain. He buys bonds. The third guy buries it in a market where he's got a fixed gain. He buys bonds. The third guy buries it in a field, does what you would do. And the moral of the story is the father then hears what each of them did, and he gives all of the money to the guy who went out and invested it and ran businesses. Hmm. And then they killed Jesus Christ.

Well, it was a two-part plan. Yeah. That was the sequel book. I'll tell you what else I'm going to, I'll just put it out there. Full disclosure. I'm also looking into, I think, and I think you're going to join me on this. I think all the research and it's getting very close on mushrooms as therapeutics. Yeah. And so I think everyone who wants to do the weed thing is already so expensive. Like you've missed kind of a boat. I think the mushrooms, psilocybin, whatever it is, I think that's next. So there's one T-R-Y-P.

It's a penny stock. I, I think, I think that's out, but anyway, I just started to look into this and again, most people should do the opposite of what I'm doing, but I'm going to add that to this portfolio also. I think I'm going to win. So do I win your 50 bucks if I'm the top guy? You mean out of all the listeners? Yeah, I'm going to win this though. Okay.

If you beat all of the listeners, I will give you 50 bucks on top of the 100 bucks that you would have won from me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Yeah, I want that as well. No, no. I do very well in the stock market when it's imaginary. My picks right now is I bought gold, I bought Amazon, I bought Tesla, and I bought Moderna. Wow.

And I spent $20,000 of my $100,000, and I'm going to buy more on Monday morning. So you bought Moderna. You're like, anything that would get my wife naked on the bathroom floor, I'm investing in. Yes, I'm also investing in roofies. All right, listen, let's move along. Let's move along. So go to Investopia. Take a screenshot.

Send it to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com, and you will be entered. And I'll let you do it. We have until Wednesdaynesday wednesday the 16th to get them to us everybody has till wednesday to send me their investopia screenshot i don't get it meaning that that means that they're in that means they're in and then we and then they'll send us another screenshot on July 4th of where they're at. Oh, I see. And everyone can change their investments as much as they want.

They can do whatever the fuck they want for the six months or whatever it is. All right, I'll get you. Okay, we can skip the other ones. Next week, though, we should talk about that 90-year-old man. He spent $10,000 on two ads in the Wall Street Journal just to say his AT&T Wi-Fi sucked. How much have you fantasized about that in your life? And the president of AT&T, their spokesperson immediately got in touch with the guy. Yes.

That's fucking great. And by the way, I would do that. The FU money, or if you have just money, maybe you don't have kids. It's like, why wouldn't you take out? Cause those billboards will make news. Like if you took out a billboard in LA, just about whatever your gripe was. Yeah. You would totally, you would, that would get press. What would happen if we took out a billboard for Sunday papers and put it on

sunset Boulevard? Do you think it would increase our listenership? This is the most I ever referred to Spike Ferriston show that Dugan and I it on Sunset Boulevard. Do you think it would increase our listenership? This is the most I ever referred to Spike Ferriston's show that Dugan and I worked on. We were told, we asked them, they're like, well, there's a billboard budget. We're like, what? And typically in LA, so you guys know what happens,

like, you know, with my sitcoms and stuff like that, and you probably have this with whatever specials you did on Comedy Central. Sometimes the company almost just to please the people involved in the show buy a billboard just in los angeles and i remember like you know when cordon was launching they bought the billboard that was across from cbs where cordon drove every day yeah right his car oh no it's a total ego stoke it doesn't do anything for ratings comedy Central has a billboard and it's at right where Sunset makes that turn by Doheny. And up there they will put, like they put the Ben show up there when I was

involved in that. And it was up, I am not kidding you, for like two or three days. Yeah. Right. And then the next Comedy Central hour that was coming, like,, you know, was put up there. So anyway, they talked to us about a billboard and we're like, wait a minute. We're like, where there was some budget. We're like, how about this? We're going to do a thing on the show. We're going to buy the cheapest billboard we can find in the middle of nowhere in like Kansas. nowhere in like Kansas. And then we'll have a contest. We'll eventually make the picture wider and wider and wider. Can anyone guess or has anyone seen this billboard? And that was a big thing we planned, but we really did get a billboard in the middle of a cornfield. Oh, that's hilarious. And it was cheap. Wow. There was a woman in LA and this is before social media and social influencers. Do you remember the woman and she had a pink Cadillac and big platinum hair and she put herself up? She had a super wealthy husband.

Of course. Who was a lot older. And she used to put up billboards of herself. Yes. She put up billboards of herself and she, and she was this like big icon in Hollywood. Is she? Still going, yep. Yeah. How about this? Why don't we look into the cheapest billboard, and why not put it in the middle of nowhere? And let's get the listeners to pay for it. We'll do a You Fund Me or whatever those things are called. Yeah, sure.

You guys are into that, right? We're asking a lot of you guys this week. All right, listen, let's get to this day in history. Okay. It's Valentine's Day. We forgot to mention that. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. Oh, yeah, happy Valentine's Day.

Are you going to give anybody a Valentine, Mike? I'm going to give you one, I think, when I see you in a couple of months. I'm sending flowers to my mom. I got my wife a card, and I'll get her some flowers. Sounds like a lot of planning for the day of, but okay. Well, we're taping this the day before. I'll get it done. Oh, you have a lot of time.

You have a lot of time. So on February 14th, around 270 AD, Valentine, a holy priest in Rome, in the days of Emperor Claudius II, was executed. Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, that's a fucking good name. I wonder if he got that on his license plate. Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army,

but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives. To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret.

When he was discovered, he was arrested and dragged before the prefect of Rome, condemned to be beaten to death with clubs and then have his head cut off. Sentence was carried out on February 14th. Sentence was carried out on February 14th. Legend has it that while in jail, St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter who had become his friend and signed it from your Valentine. Wow. Yep. I want to see a documentary about this. Isn't that cool?

Is that not badass? I mean, think about trying to get a standing army when all they're doing is fucking going into war. No, there's no fucking tanks. There's no craft services. All you got is a club and an asshole telling you to fucking run into a town where they've got arrows and lava and all this fucking shit. How do you get guys to show up for work? Yeah. Well, they stole a little chapter out of the Roman Catholic Church because, you know, that's why.

And I'm sure there's conflicting stories about this. But, you know, that's why priests don't marry is right. The church was, you know, losing real estate because the priest would die. And then his wife and kids would stay in the house, which was the church's house. And and they had to wait till that bitch died. Right. So they're like, yeah, you know what? You guys are going to be married to God from now on. And to relieve yourselves, you just put it in boys buttholes. Yeah, I know.

They don't get a weird edict, but they all had to follow it. Then they all did. Yeah. They end up not giving the the estate to the to the wife and kids, but they have to give it to the fucking altar boys that they raped. Yeah. Very begrudgingly. They desperately try to cover it up. But what's up with the punishment?

They desperately try to cover it up. But what's up with the punishment? You're going to be beaten to death with clubs and then have your head cut off. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like a little, that seems like a hat on a hat. Well, yeah. And that's when you're getting beaten and you're like, guys, can you please just cut my head off? Why are you waiting until it's completely ineffective to cut my head off why are you waiting till it's completely ineffective to

cut my head off well because really beating somebody is not so much about the pain you're experiencing at the time they say psychologists say it's the it's the waiting for the pain that you know is coming and then it's the memory of the pain and it's like look dudes i'm not gonna have a memory of this i'm fucking dead soon you're wasting your time yeah oh boy all right mike you're fading let's get to we're gonna skip letters to the editor don't put it on me i'm gonna be i can snort some some drugs now if you wanted me to all right we are going to go to an obituary real quick. And that's all, folks. Leon Spinks, heavyweight champ in 78 after beating Ali. Holy shit.

He also won gold in the light heavyweights in the Summer Olympics in Montreal. Were you really? I have a picture. My dad, I mean, God, was I nine, eight? He brought me to Montreal. He brought me to the Montreal Olympics. Wow. There was a guy there called Bruce Jenner. Yep.

I'm fucking dead naming him right now. Dead naming her, I guess. But it was Michael Spinks, Leon Spinks. Oh, Sugar Ray Leonard. Like, unbelievable year for U.S. boxers. Roberto Duran. I'm not a U.S. boxer, but I am forgetting other really big names that were in those Olympics. And Spinks is from St. Louis.

We just heard from Chris Denman, who is from St. Louis as well. Yeah, he went to one of those super fancy boarding schools in St. Louis. I think the Spinks brothers went to the Mary Institute for Boys, whatever that is. But by the way, one of the reasons we probably were able to get boxing tickets is there was quite a draw to gymnastics that year because this little lady was getting tens um and nadia komanich yeah from romania from rome the first time i think people were getting was anyway she was perfect. Yeah, she was the perfect 10.

I remember it was on the cover of every magazine. Huge story, huge. I remember it just said perfect on Newsweek. Yeah. But this guy, Spinks fought, ready for this? As a light heavyweight, his record was 178 and 7 with 133 knockouts. He fought, before he was a pro, he had 178 fights.

I mean, and he, Spinks, have you ever heard him speak as an adult? He is fucking out of it. But I loved both Spinks brothers. And yeah, Chris just put up a quote. When he beat Ali, he's like, he's still the greatest. I'm just the latest. Yeah. There.

Now, why couldn't The Weeknd think like that a little more? Like, you know what? Maybe fucking do something that's not all about you. All right, go ahead. Yeah, right. His professional career, he was 26 and 17, which is not great. That's a lot of times of getting fucking beat up. Yeah, but I wonder what he was

before you know all those boxers get you know they rack up those losses after staying in the game too long right uh he also wrestled in martial arts in the 90s took taking the world title uh but then he he struggled in later years he worked as a janitor. Jesus. Can you imagine? I always think about that. Like, when I was a little kid, you know, whether it was Peyton or Earl Campbell, you're just like, oh, my God. And they're like, they're amazing. And you watch these guys and, like, especially back then, it was still just a profession.

You know what I mean? Obviously, it was a well-paid profession. But it wasn't like, oh, you're set for life because you're a star in the nfl right far far from it yep like what about what about just little go fund me's for those guys were like hey thanks for being you know here's a few bucks but if everyone did it and it's like here for like wow you really sundays of my childhood like were pretty amazing at times because of you. Yeah. Well, there's this group called Comedy Gives Back that our friend Zoe Friedman runs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they basically, comedians all kick in money and it takes care of the comedians that are indigent and have run out of money and are struggling. And so that's what the boxers should be doing. These guys that are making, you know, 50 million a fight, how about you peel a million out of that and fucking throw it into a fund with the other 20 guys that are making money and take care of these guys? Totally.

Or buy Tyson another tiger, something. Tyson was broke too, man. Oh, no doubt. Yeah. Pigeons, raising pigeons does not pay the bills. No, it does not. All right, let's get to the Sunday funnies. Good Lord, y'all.

Oh, sorry, hold on. And then. Yes, sir. All right, I just got a quick one. and then yes sir alright I just got a quick one I went back into the archives a little bit for some fun old ones this one is a picture of Andy Cap his wife

is on all fours scrubbing the floor Andy has his foot on her ass and he's tying his shoe and she's got a look on her face like, fucking Andy. She's not even furious. It's like an eye roll.

That's fantastic. Let's get to the Lockhorns. I could have put it in your face. The Lockhorns, who are also a couple that struggles with their vows. And Leroy's getting his hair cut, and she's sitting in the chair reading a magazine. And she goes, Leroy has problems with split ends. Most of them split years ago.

This is what I like about the very progressive Lockhorns, is it's a two-way street. The abuse, the abusive lines. Oh,orns is it's a two-way street. The abuse? The abusive lines? Oh, no. It's like 50-50. That's what's fucking great about it. Absolutely. Fair fight. And now he gets back at her in the next frame. They're in the supermarket, and he picks up a little can that says mustache wax,

and he goes, here's a great stocking stuffer for your mother. Because she's Italianian i get it wait did i read into that oh boy look what you put in you put a little family circus in the script okay here we go all right so it's two brothers one's a baby and then of course the older the redheaded one walks up mike it's billy it's fucking billy that's the kid's name this fucking kid walks up so he walks up holding two pieces of drawing paper right and the little baby's on the floor

holding crayons and has papers all over the floor. So clearly this, the redheaded older one picks up, he's picking up the paper and he says, you didn't draw anything PJ. This is just scribble scrabble. Okay. First of all, what a dick. I see where this is going. Yeah. What a dick.

Yeah. And then is this, are we seeing one of these keens either the dad or the son like it's it's starting to sink in like you know what i'm the baby and even this fucking asshole brother is calling me out that i didn't draw or write anything. It's just fucking scribble scrabble. And for some reason, I'm being enabled by newspaper syndicates to just fucking handing in scribble scrabble. It's the only time I've seen Billy angry. Look at his eyes.

He's fucking scolding him. He's a dick. Yeah, there's no redeeming. By the way, of of course this isn't funny at all and i don't even know what it's trying to say well you didn't draw anything this is just shitty shatty this is crappy crippy and like he has a crayon in his hand too and he's holding a better drawn thing and it's like it's a heart and there's flowers but like so would it have made sense if his were more scribble scrabble also but his aren't

these are real i don't even get this thing now as usual no it's uh i think it's jeff keen yeah he's definitely having a crisis of conscience uh I think he's rethinking a lot. Now, granted, he'll get over it. Believe me. The check will come in the mail, and whatever little blip this is in his integrity will go right by. Let's give him credit. This is a multilayered think piece because he is over it he sent this in yeah it's commenting

on itself all right all right it's a little wink it's a wink to the people that know honey not only am i going to shit one out again i'm actually going to have one of the fucking little brats call my work scribble scrabble i'm actually going to announce it and let's see if the fax machine uh all of a sudden fires back a do you have anything else yeah because that's never happened yeah all right all right let's get to i was curious because a lot of people write me about the origins of Blondie and that originally he was a swinging bachelor and she was like a flapper. She was like a, he was a rich, he was like a money gentleman and she was a flapper. Look at the body on her.

So this is, I found the very first Blondie comic strip of all time. So he's in a tuxedo, Dagwood, and he walks in and his father, who looks like, you know, like a Vanderbilt or that type of guy or a Rockefeller. And he says, but he says, hey, Pop. He goes, but son, I'm awfully busy. I'm working on the plans for this new merger. Dagwood says, but Pop, I want you to meet Blondie. We're engaged, you know.

Blondie comes in and let me tell you something. Holy fuck. She is lanky and long, lithe. Her body is, and she's got bloated. Were their bodies like that back then? I mean, my God. Marilyn Monroe wasn't like that. Full-on flapper outfit.

And she says, this is Blondie, Dad. She's awfully bashful and shy. You'll love her. Blondie then looks at the old man, the rich old tycoon, and she goes, Oh, tee-hee. I always feel so boop-boop-a-doop when I first meet my boyfriend's papas. And then she puts her arms around him and goes, but I usually like them better than the sons. Can I call you Pop, Mr. Bumstead?

Tee-hee! Rubbing his stomach. Dagwood, the fucking cuck, says, now come, Blondie. We must go. Dad is awfully busy. He's working out the new plans for the merger. And then Blondie now puts both hands on his chest and says, we must go. Dad is awfully busy. He's working out the new plans for the merger. And then Blondie now puts both hands on his

chest and says, oh, Pop, if you aren't the terror, what are you going to do with your old wife? And Blondie, and then Dagwood goes, isn't she cute, Dad? I don't even know what's going on here.

I think in the original conception of Blondie, she's a fucking gold digger, and Dagwood's a cuck. So is her skirt see-through? It seems to be see-through, and she's got on these high-heeled shoes with ribbons on the front, and the breasts are not— I think she's got to be 16 because the breasts are not fully in yet it's like lingerie yeah smoking out if you want to see it go to the website sundaypapers.net also watch the show on youtube do us a favor folks

go to uh the apple podcast and leave us some nice comments or at least stars. I think that really helps our ratings, keeps us up in the ratings. And your friends don't have to listen. They just have to subscribe, right? That's it. Get the subscriptions going. And we want to thank you guys

for all your contributions. Great logo and song this week. And Mike, anything you want to plug? hmm I don't know I guess after I buy these mushroom stocks everyone buy mushroom stocks

buy some mushrooms go to Portland I'm going to be in Portland in the spring I'm doing some fucking mushrooms up there ooh I'm very excited I will plug this I guess well what's his name returns which I'm very excited. I will plug this, I guess. Well, What's-His-Name Returns, which I'm kind of looking forward to.

John Oliver on HBO. I think it says Sunday. Oh, was he on a break? Was he on a break? Yeah, it did. It did premiere Sunday. Yes. A long break. He went out mid-November or something bullshit. Oh, shit. Wow. It's like, geez, we could use that commentary

anyway. And as you know, I like his show much better since he's been in his apartment. He yells a lot less. Oh, shit. Wow. It's like, geez, we could use that commentary. Anyway, and as you know, I like his show much better since he's been in his apartment. He yells a lot less. Anyway, also the finale of Your Honor on Showtime is this Sunday, so all 10 will be out. Perfect

bingeable series. Yeah, I'm going to need your password for Showtime because I just dropped mine. Okay. I will look into that. Let's see. I wonder if they limit with how many. I'll look into it.

But you got it. All right. And thank you, of course, to our producers, editors, social media savants, Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops. You guys do a fantastic job we thank you so much and we'll see you guys next week take it ish

take it ish take it ish My given's locked in the closet all night and day And Fitz is locked in the back house You know you gotta find time to masturbate Hey girls, can I borrow a towel? That's why it's easy Too easy, too easy That's why I'm easy

I'm easy all my Sunday paper I'm losing I'm losing all my Sunday paper You know that orange love that offers that piece of shit But is he gone for good? Don't count it You know we almost lost our minds the other day Oh, fuck it Right? Yeah, you're right. It's why I'm easy

I'm easy. I'm easy like Sunday paper. It's why I'm easy. I'm easy like Sunday paper And Blondie, you're so hot, so hot I wanna touch your nipples, nipples like it's a lie And Blondie, you're a piece of shit I love you. guitar solo It's why I'm easy I'm easy like Sunday paper It's why I'm easy

Easy like Sunday paper It's why I'm easy Easy like Sunday paper I'm leaving I'm leaving like Sunday paper Sunday, baby.