Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 51 2/21/21

Episode Date: February 21, 2021

This week Mike defends Woody Allen and our producer Chris defends Qanon. In Fla two people dress as old women to get vaccinated and the new sex robots are here that come complete with bad attitudes. Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime 

Hey now, you don't have to read. Hey now, just listen and see. Hey now, it's time for us to go to the Sunday paper show. Read all about it! Read all about it! Hot off the presses. Ink is still wet. Inhale it. Get a little high so you can deal with the fact that we're back in the Paris Accord. Inhale it. Get a little high so you can deal with the fact that we're back in the Paris Accord. Wait till you see Family Circus. Read all about it. Oh, my God. It's digital.

It's a digital format. Huh. All right. Speaking of which, do you have a paper for us to crinkle this week? Are you kidding? Everyone's loving the crinkles. They love the crinkles. I said like an old effeminate man.

Somebody recommended that we call our listeners the news boys. Nope. Nope. What would we call our listeners? Few and far between. That's one way to, that's one thing to call them. People that don't buy our ads. Yeah.

People that don't go to the ads. How about overly amped up on minutia and corrections? Yeah. Is this a way to start the podcast? No, it's not. Here's how we start the podcast. They are a loyal follower is what they are. podcast um welcome you're a loyal follower is what they are it's uh it's we're in this nice non-political period of trump's gone he's been silenced by social media now you're political we've got a new candidate who's milk toast but he's doing he's doing nothing he didn't say he

would do so there's no there's no pushback yet. I mean, you're seeing the beginnings of it, but there's nothing substantial. The news is, I can relax. I feel like this. Do you feel it? Do you feel peaceful? I don't know.

Not when you bring this stuff up. Did you freeze? No, I don't know what you mean. I don't mean your Zoom. I meant you. You literally froze. I'm saying positive. I know.

I don't like all the positive talk. It's also political to bring this up. It's like you're rubbing it in their face. I don't know. Who cares? It's so broken. Everything's broken. Yeah.

I don't know how we're going to fix it. Democracy in the world. That was in the news this week. Just like they're suffering everywhere. Yeah. And I don't know, man. It really brings us back. And I know it wasn't the only thing that talked about it. But that documentary, you know, on Netflix, The Social Dilemma and many others have said the same and many have written the same thing. But it's like it's a really hard thing to undo the divisiveness that has been, you know, sort of sown. It's really like a virus. It feels like we have we have been infected with something that we need to get rid of, but we don't have an antidote there's no way to put the genie back in the bottle in terms of fake news coming out of everywhere and people subscribing to it and uh and they again i always go back to this there used to be channel two four and seven had news at six o'clock at night everybody watched it and those were the facts that we all worked off of and now people are completely separate in their bubbles. And and you can't argue with people anymore because they're they're drawing from a different well than you as far as facts. I was reading this financial guy because I thought, oh, man, maybe I maybe I should research a little before we pick our

stocks or whatever. So this super smart guy, all financial people know him, I guess Felix Zuloff, I think. Anyway, he was just like, did this interview. And one of the questions was, you have called the European Monetary Union the biggest mistake of the century. Why? Right? So anyway, he goes on, but in it, his answer was to rebalance the imbalances, the biggest mistake of the century. Why? Right. So anyway, he goes on. But in it, his answer was to rebalance the imbalances. The EU has weakened the stronger members. It hasn't. Let me see if I'm reading the right thing. Europe will continue to integrate and economic growth and prosperity will continue to decline. Far in the future, there will be a major revolt of the people against the elites. Don't count on Europe to launch any big

growth agenda. It won't work. Holy shit. Yeah. Why wouldn't there be revolution? I mean, it's been well documented. When the haves end up with a disproportionate amount of money, eventually people wake up and they say, fuck this, and they take to the streets. But you know what's interesting, and it really helped me, I think I might have said this last week, but is the right's anger and feelings of disenfranchisement and all that stuff. It's, you know, listen, the left, obviously, they don't like this, you know, the talking point that they keep repeating, which is cancel culture, which can also be called accountability culture. But whatever. But a huge, I think, thing that's generating it is the same thing that's making me furious, which is this. The this unfair bully system of the of the super rich and that and, just Democrats and Republicans, listen, America has one political

system. Go to any other country, you'll see most countries, you'll see more than one political system. We are capitalism. That's fucking it. And there's two parties that each compete to see who does it worse. And there's two parties that each compete to see who does it worse. And what's going on is this. It's like, hey, here's your corporate bailouts from 2000.

Not only does no one get in trouble, but here are loans. You don't even have to pay back. And we're going to. And then one side is going to use socialism as a bad name. And actually, they're the ones who bail out corporate America the most. Whatever. We can go on and on. I actually was trying to make a point that I think both sides are closer than they realize in terms of what is really at the root of our frustration. I think so, too. And I think if we had, you know, maybe one of the solutions is you have some town halls that aren't

that aren't politicians that are trying to play to a base or kowtow to the religious right or the woke liberals and are just talking. Intellectuals having town halls, dissecting issues so that Americans can look at them and go, oh, health insurance for all? Yeah, I guess that does make sense. When you look at the defense budget versus what we're really spending to help the social fabric of our own country. What? Yeah, I don't know. Or any other issue. I mean, just let's go back to when it was, who were the two guys? They did a documentary on HBO about Jimmy, was it Jimmy Breslin?

Yeah, and Pete Hamill. And Pete Hamill. Like just intellectuals breaking it down without them being tied to anything. Yeah. Except facts. Imagine. Yeah, no, it's bad. I don't know.

I don't know why Jeff Bezos wouldn't go down in history, wouldn't want to go down. All of a sudden he puts, you know, this incredibly inflated share price, you know, and his and his back to being the richest man alive. Why would it be like, hey, everyone on my team, you're going to get the best health care. In fact, no deductibles. And and everyone's going to get paid way above minimum wage and everyone's going to be taken care of. Like, why wouldn't he go down and like, here's a guy who tried to set an example. And now it's hard for Apple not to follow and hard for others. You know, never mind. How about also how about paying taxes? Yeah. All right. Let's let's let's get to it. Oh, I thought it was over. I thought the podcast was over.

I'm done. I think a lot of people are. A lot of people right now are listening to Mark Maron's podcast. Want to find out what's going on with this cat. Speaking of that, you want me to tell a quick story about my dad and the dog? Oh, you tell me. This is the greatest. So, anyway, my stepmother died very sadly a couple of weeks ago.

What do you mean very sad? Is there a time when it's not very sadly? My stepmother died very happily. No, it's always sadly. I don't know. Stepmother, step relatives are tricky. Yeah, that's true. It could be relief. I wanted to add that it wasn't like, whew, finally, that type of thing. Yeah, that's true. It could be relief. I wanted to add that it wasn't a like, whew, finally, you know, that type of thing.

Yeah, yeah. So anyway, whatever. So they had a dog, long time, like 2006 or something like that. And anyway, it was pretty weak. It was really by her side the whole time, this little lap dog thing, but real comfort. And my dad was very attached to it too. So I sent him to the doctor. Now the dog is really coughing a lot and also depressed, I think, because he doesn't know. Dad takes him to the vet. The vet's kind of like, you know, according to my dad, by the way, he said, the vet said, you know, your dog's suffering and,

you know, you could like put it down and all this. So he, he thinks about it. And I mean, well, I'm like, dad, you know, the optics on this aren't very good. If you just kill your dog, like without involving, you know, Jenny and Jeff, who are my stepbrother and stepsister, her children. And, you know, cause it was her dog. And so anyway, fast forwarding, moving the story along a little bit. He then take, and all of a sudden gets the approval from the family. So he takes it, then schedules it to put down the dog. And you know, my sister and I are like, you know, and you know, he's all alone now. And the dog is the only thing with him at this point as he's going through all this stuff. So we're like, Hey, listen, we're here. We'll

call you tomorrow. He's like, all right, no, it's all right. You know, I'll let you know. I don't know what time I'm bringing in. He said midday. So he brings the dog in. So now he's on the phone with us after it. I'm like, Hey, you know, like, how did it go? He's like, you know, it went all right. It went all right. He's like, you know, but a little weird. He's like, I was in the parking lot and I dropped off the dog and the vet invited me in and I'm like, what? And he goes, yeah, the vet's like, well, do you want to be there? And he's like, what? He's like, that's crazy. Who would want to do that? That's so sad.

Who would want to do that? I just handed it to her and drove off. Who would want to hold him and stroke him and comfort him? I'm like, you know, it's kind of a popular thing to do. Like, in fact, I've never heard of what you did. So we then move on. And you know my dad well, but the listeners should know he's like a crazy type A personality. Doesn't need to set an alarm clock.

It's 5 something a.m. every day. Run, run, run. And, you know, and I definitely have probably formed a lot of my personality and resistance to that so and you've done well you've really done well to counter all that I I think I have he just moves he's optimistic and he just keeps moving forward non-stop I don't even I can't even relate so later in that same telephone call uh I go all right well you know and how are things you know we had moved on and covered a lot of ground. I'm like, all right, well, you're doing all right though. And Joe's like, yeah, you know, you know, we're trying to sell, I'm trying to sell the house, a lot of packing,

took care of Kent earlier, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what? You can refer to it. It's not check little to-do list. Crossed it off. Yeah. So it just made me think of like, what have I forgotten about my childhood? Can you imagine getting hurt and looking for comfort from this guy or anything? Drop Mike off at the doctor's office. Check. Yeah. Played some golf.

Came back. Picked him check. Yeah. Played some golf, came back, picked him up. Yeah. Son's high school grades are, so gave up on the son, check. Moving on. Oh, God. Got divorced, check. Got it.

Totally. How long was it between when he divorced your mom and when he married Cynthia? Oh, no. A long time. You know, it was divorce. Divorce is kindergarten. It is how I remember kindergarten. The marriage was sixth grade.

OK. Yeah. Respectful. Aaron's dad and his new wife, about a week and a half. Well, you know, often there's overlap. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Who am I to say? He died. When he died, they did- You have an irresponsible podcast. Go for it. He was the super hippie. He was one of the original hippies. He Go for it. He was the super hippie. You know, he was one of the original hippies. You know, he walked the walk.

He was a guy who wrote a lot of books about, you know, how capitalism is destroying the environment. And he knew Castro. Fucking knew Castro. Anyway, when he died, they did a biodegradable funeral where they put him. They didn't put any of the chemicals in him. None of that formaldehyde or whatever. Right. Put them in a fucking wicker basket, filled it with flowers. We walked into the woods, threw them in a fucking hole in the woods.

Somebody was playing a ukulele. A couple barefoot hippies were playing bongos. We said goodbye and that was it. I hope you burned some of those people too. We got out of there before the coyotes got in there and had a nice meal. Why didn't they set them on fire out here in California in the thick woods by the giant sequoias? That would have been so lovely.

Half of the state on fire yeah anyway all right are we so are we going to do the podcast today well do we should we talk about people tried to get cove our friends were all rallying trying to get covet shots because we had uh a friend of ours dennis gubbins who has who has a little free time on his hands uh went out and he managed to find the overflow spot where they give the COVID shots. Is it Pfizer where if they're not frozen, they go bad? So by the end of the day, they basically will give it to anybody who lines up. We should probably just not even say because we don't know. So anyway, he managed to get that and the second shot. So then everybody, including yourself, jumped on board. There's a

Facebook page dedicated to chasing it down in LA. Yeah, I did not jump on board because he already has his second. So he did this a long time ago, shared his experience that, listen, he waited on line like five hours or something and he goes, but then he got it. And it was because they had to go through him, so they have, as you said, a standby line. So I actually didn't move on it because I was mixed on it. I also thought this would be a better run and that there was a pipeline.

It turns out there isn't. Not this week because of the snowstorm. No, but there isn't a significant enough pipeline anyway i mean they had a closed dodger stadium way before the cold weather good day years yeah it's a problem it's a it's it's a huge problem and i don't know when uh i haven't i couldn't even guess when i'll when i'll wind up getting hey man i'm a frontline worker i got fucking tour dates coming up at the end of march and April, and I need to get this shit. I agree with it.

The good news is, though, your wife is double vaxxed now. Wife's got two. Son's got two. Daughter will be getting it soon because she works in a daycare center. Oh, yeah. God, she should have already gotten it. I know. I know.

They had a—they've only shut down. She's been there throughout the pandemic, and they shut down in, I think, June for about two weeks, and then they shut down for a week a few weeks ago. Otherwise, they've been clear. The parents drop the kids off up front. They take the temperature. Everything's wiped down constantly. Everybody wears masks. And somehow it hasn't hit them. You know, it just goes to show you, kids may not be carriers the way adults are. Right. Maybe. Well, yeah, they're talking about opening the lower grades.

And Mexicans. Oh, boy. All right. Is that it? Are we done? So let's get to shout out to David Chamberlain, who is a friend of the show. And his company is Record LA. If you ever need any sound work done, support him as he supports the show.

Love that song today. The Hey Now song. Yeah. The logo was done by, let's see, who did the logo? That's Well Done Logo. It's pretty sweet. I think people are going to be a fan of that when it comes up. Hold on.

I'm just pulling up who did it. It was GS Artworks is the company that did that one. Oh, nice. Should we get to some corrections? Let's do it. All right. Last week, one of our big stories was about the Florida man who made a guitar out of his uncle's skeleton. Apparently, the guitarist bears a striking resemblance to a known local prankster.

So this guy calls himself Prince Midnight. midnight and um two tampa reporters have questioned the story's veracity noting midnight looks an awful lot like a local punk rocker performance artist who's got a penchant penchant or penchant i think you should stick with penchant penchant so we can get another correction next week yeah i think look i took French for seven fucking years. I can say penchant. Well, this is the thing. If you have enough confidence and you just keep going with penchant, you may change the pronunciation just in your little, you know,

among your neighbors maybe. I also said, and I got shit for this, denouement. Yeah. No, I said denouement instead of denouement. Huh. How do you say it? You do have a penchant for mispronunciation. What was it?

Oh, there we go. Pronunciation. Yeah. Not so fucking short. Pronunciation. Whatever. You mispronounced that too. Not so fucking short.

Pronunciation? Whatever. You mispronounced that, too. I should also give a shout-out to our friends over at C3 Custom Golf, Cameron Lee, who sent me and my son these very expensive putters. He restores golf equipment. And then he made these custom-made, that's a ball fixer. That's your ball mark fixer.

Does he have a little golf bag? You dragged me out on the golf course this week. Oh, yeah, you need a golf bag. Maybe he can send us a golf bag. Yeah, that was fun. Gibbs, you were not bad. You're not a bad golfer, somebody that hasn't played much. I've played much.

I've never even owned a club. But, no, so I'm going to try. I'm not going to hide behind the, you know, one shot every six is good because I'm hiding behind my not trying and not playing. You mean like your stand-up comedy? Which slaughters, but I do lower the bar. You're right. You're right. I do. It's the easiest art form in the world.

So anyway, yes. So, yes. Send me. No one send me something they use their own money on. But if this guy's restoring things and he wants a shout out and it's so it's not free. Yeah. Send me a free bag, I guess. Because I have clubs that our friend Matt Malloy found in his alley being thrown out and they seem to work one sixth of the time. They're nice clubs. He actually hooked you up. Yeah. Fitzdog, I've heard you tell the big-mouth story about the voice actor, Jenny Slate,

stepping away from doing the voice of Missy. This was because we talked about this, because the character is half-black, half-Jewish, and even though she's half-Jewish, or maybe all-Jewish, she stepped away because she wasn't half black, and I kind of recoiled at that. After some review by the creators, they realized it was okay.

The fans all reached out to say the same. Jenny is a voice talent genius. I agree 1,000%, So I'm glad it went that way. She also does voices for Bob's Burgers and was a big part of the Kroll show. She had a stand-up special. It wasn't great.

It's not an easy art form. They are acting. They are playing. This is full disclosure. They're playing someone they're not. Yes. In fact, yes. Although my friend is working on a show right now that is about people that are on the spectrum that have intellectual disabilities. And the actors all have intellectual disabilities. And Mike, your joke is?

I want them to let some intellectual disability people write the show also. Well, you know, if you're on the spectrum, they'll probably write 1,400 page scripts. Single-spaced. Please. You don't think Bob Dylan and Woody Allen

and other monster prolific people are on the spectrum. You're crazy. You're right. Another word we can't use. Hey, by the way, no, my joke about, because it was just in a script of mine, about intellectual disability is what it's called. They try so hard with these new terms because mental disability or mentally handicapped, whatever, is, of course, verboten now. Verboten.

I think it's verboten, Mike. I think it is. I have a penchant to say verboten. But intellectual disability sounds like you have trouble understanding James Joyce. It's like, all right, well, I'm completely intellectually disabled. Right, right, right. Yeah, I've never really gotten Nietzsche. I've tried, but I'm disabled.

Absolutely. We're going to put you in the class with more of the other like-minded, intellectually disabled. A guy with a pen name of Holden Caulfield said, Mario Lopez was not in or on the Musketeers. Well, that's a fucking shock to me, because if there was ever a soulless, stunted, childlike adult, it's Mario Lopez. Or is it Mario? I think Timberlake was, right?

Who was? Justin Timberlake? Yeah. Lopez was kind of a child actor though for sure he was he was on uh uh what was the show wasn't full house it was and i never saw it yeah with who's the boss or head of the class i think it was head by the KKK. Bad joke. I didn't know they had such a big hit in their library. Saved by the Bell is on for a lot of fucking years.

You know, that was one I've never seen a single episode on. It's not like I avoided it and I'm bragging. I honestly never crossed paths with it. I would see it and my thumb would get... You know how when you see a car coming at you, you have an adrenaline rush and you dive out of the way? When I would see that show on the air, my thumb would get the same kind of an adrenaline rush to hit the arrow to go to the next channel. I like it. What was it on?

When we were in high school? 80s? Yeah. Well, you know I didn't. No, no. It's apparently ran for four seasons from 89 to 93. Oh. So when we were graduating college.

Oh, yeah. I didn't watch. I didn't. We were running around New York. It was amazing. We were social. I didn't watch. We were running around New York. It was amazing. We were social. I didn't watch. Yeah, okay. We're also too old for that BS.

Dan Rubin wants to call Mike out for referencing Woody Allen. I love that he's bringing up deconstructing Harry and bringing some attention to this underrated comedy masterpiece. It's so good. But you're continued referencing that it wasn't appreciated at the time because it was released just after Woody and Mia had their blowout was too close to home is incorrect.

I believe you're actually thinking of Husbands and Wives, which came out in 92, a mere few months after their aforementioned blowout and was, in fact, awkwardly very close to home. So there you go. Okay. So Dan's right. Good call. Except I know what my confusion was. I, what happened was he married Sunyi in 97. Oh, I see. Right when it came out. And that was a, holy shit. He's that fucker's doubling down. shit, he's that fucker's doubling down. Yeah. Um, so you sent me the, there's a review in the Los Angeles times that, uh, this woman wrote about the documentary series, which airs tonight on HBO called Allen versus Pharaoh. It's a four part series documenting the accusation of sexual abuse against Woody Allen. And I became kind of angry.

Now, admittedly, I have a bias. Yeah, you like pedophilia. Right. Listen, if it's gentle, if it's gentle, they're kids. They're kids. If it's the kind of thing they can suppress, and you know the kind you can suppress versus having to live with. Right. And listen, for a lot of these kids, it's their first time.

Right. So you also, you have to keep that in mind. All right, we should stop now. Okay. So anyway, it's getting a lot of flack from real critics worth their salt for being very one-sided. It only talks to the family members, you know, like, you know, Mia Farrow and, and of course, the daughter who claims the abuse and I think other family members. And it does not talk to any of the other family members, including Woody Allen and the other child. I think it was formerly Satchel.

I forget. I can't keep all the children. I can't remember. I can't keep them straight. Anyway, it doesn't talk to any of them. Yes, they requested to talk to them. But as a reviewer, listen, fine. If the documentary is one sided. Hey, listen, fine. If the documentary is one-sided,

Hey, listen, that's the documentary. Like, like I read this stupid quote by the woman who made one, the two people made the documentary. One's a woman. She goes, you know, you know, everyone's bringing up like, you know, what about the other side? Did you, what about, did you ask the other side? And it's like, Hey, listen, if there's a car crash, do you have to ask the other side who ran into the car? Do you have to ask them about it? And I'm like, yes, if this is a documentary and there's doubt about if the other car hit the car. Yes, you fucking do.

Yeah. What an idiot. So it's up to critics to call this out. And this woman just went along with it. And after you sent me that, I actually wrote a letter to the L.A. Times. Really? I kept it short. It was like six or seven sentences, a typical little blurb that you see.

And just wondering, like, you know, like she didn't call out any of the biases. And so listen, here are just some facts. These are just facts, OK? These aren't my opinions. Listen, here are just some facts. These are just facts, okay? These aren't my opinions. And the New York Times broke down a chronology that, and I'll just read some here.

They, you know, Mia and Woody met in 79. In 82, they started their thing. She's 85, she adopted. But here's the relevant parts. um in december 1991 no yes he woody allen begins his affair with mia farrow's 21 year old daughter sunyi a lot of people have that wrong they think she was a teenager or younger and all this the affair began in december 1991 by the way totally fucked up that he does that. OK, well, my question is, how well did he know her as a child? Was he very involved with Mia during the years when Sunyi was like a child? No, because I think that's that's a that's another thing that people believe.

And I've heard that he barely knew her. Well, he's always said he did not want children. He never, ever, not once slept in Mia Farrow's house. He lived on one side of Central Park. She lived on the other side and he would cross the park every night, hang out, and then go back to his own house and masturbate thinking about young Asian girls. A lot of people on Fifth Avenue do that, by the way. He always said he didn't want children and would not be a part of raising. You know, she wanted to adopt them, but he would then legally adopt some.

I guess we do have to read some of the in 77. Mia Farrow and her husband, Andre Previn, adopted Sun-Yi, who is believed to be around seven years old. That was in 1977. Woody meets her two years later, 79, meets Mia. The couple's first movie together, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 85, Mia adopts baby girl Dylan Farrow, who was born in Texas. We'll get to Texas later. 87, Miss Farrow and Alan have a son, Ronan Farrow.

Miss Farrow suggests in a 2013 interview, you know what, Frank Sinatra may be the dad. That's sweet. In December 91- Well, she had no choice. The child looked like fucking Frank Sinatra. It's unbelievable. Yeah. December 1991, Mr. Allen adopts Dylan Farrow and Moses Farrow, one of Miss Farrow's sons, who she adopted 11 years earlier in 1980. Mr. Allen, who is 56, begins an affair with Miss Farrow's 21-year-old daughter, Sunyi. Now, they were not close at all. And then when she went to college, they started to go to Nick games together, I believe, is how it started. He would bring Sun Yi to Nick games. And then it grew, I believe, is both sides, I think, tell that story.

Okay, you ready? January, which is a month later of 92, Miss Farrow discovers the nude photographs of Sun Yi in Mr. Allen's apartment. August of 92. So later that year, were they, were they together at this point? They were not together at this point. What was she doing at his apartment?

Who? Mia. I, that's a good question. I don't know, but she's over there. I mean, they,

they share in a way they share all these kids. So they're on good terms at this point. I think they were on good terms when he found the photograph, when she found the photograph, and probably was cheating on her again. I am not defending dating Sun Yi. It's a lunacy. Anyway, eight months later, August 1992, with the affair between Mr. Allen and Miss Previn, soon ye, continuing, Miss Farrow calls Susan Coates, a psychologist who had been helping the family, and describes Mr. Allen as, quote, satanic and evil, and begs her to, quote, find a way to stop him. She also sent a, I think that Valentine's, I guess it was like right sometime

that year, a heart with a knife through it. Mia sent that to Woody. And so this psychiatrist also was advising Woody as well that you have to be careful for your safety. Yeah. Mia Farrow was so angry and kind of unhinged about this. And then in August... And she may still be in touch with some of Sinatra's cohorts. So August 1st, she begs the therapist, begs is a technical word

like they quoted, to find a way to stop him. Three days later, Dylan Farrow, according to Mia, accuses Woody Allen of touching her inappropriately and gives an interview. Let's see. The next day, Casey Pascal, a friend of Miss Farrow, oh yeah, tells Dylan's babysitter, described reserving Mr. Allen in a position with Dylan that seemed inappropriate. Miss Farrow calls Dr. Coates, the psychologist, same one, and says Dylan has complained that Mr. Allen has abused her. A major question later considered in court was whether Ms. Farrow had

coached her daughter during this period. According to later court testimony by Dr. Coates, she is struck by Ms. Farrow's calm during the call as opposed to her agitated state three days earlier. You know what? I respect her. If I found out, if I was a woman

and I found out that my ex was fucking my daughter, I would do every trickery available to me. I would make shit up. I would hire somebody. I would destroy shit up. I would hire somebody. I would destroy this person. If I found naked photos of my daughter

in my ex's house, scorched earth policy. That's what I would do. But wait, scorched earth. But Greg, you do not have a penchant for implanting abuse, false abuse memories. Oh yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's pretty hard. You would do that to a child? No, no, I wouldn't do that. Hey, daddy touched your labia and genitalia Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's pretty hard. You would do that to a child? No, no, I wouldn't do that. Hey, daddy touched your labia and genitalia? Yeah, that's true. That's wrong. Labia is a quote from her later when she's interviewed. It's lobby. Now, it's actually in the documentary now, I believe. Called lobby because it's like the waiting area before you go in. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Do they have Wi-Fi in the lobby? Anyway, it goes on from there.

But a lot of people do not know that timeline. Yeah. All right. Do you want to read the rest of the Wikipedia entry or should we move on to another correction? It's the New York Times. All right. So people can watch this special. Watch it because we're going to probably talk about it for four weeks because we're both big Woody Allen fans.

I think he's, you know, top three directors in history and a brilliant fucking comedian and writer and all that. And I think this bears sussing out and showing both sides of, which we'll do over the next four weeks. All right, good pie. Take it, Aish. Quick correction from Corey S., who said, Madonna's Super Bowl halftime show, she was 54, not 40-something. Wow.

And Woody Allen had not touched her. That's right. Douglas A. Hoffman, Esquire. He had to put Esquire at the end of his name. That's kind of pretentious, isn't it? To put ESQ at the end of your name. I'm going to start. Can I legally just put that there?

That would be fucking hilarious. I'm doing that from now on. I'm putting ESQ after my name every time I write it. Greg, you massacred the parable of the talents on last week's show. First off, it is in the New Testament, not the Old Testament. And it is not about a father and three sons, but a man and his three servants. And he didn't give them each the same amount. One got five talents, coins.

The second got two talents, and the third got only one. The first two servants invested and doubled their money. got only one the first two servants invested and doubled their money but the third servant knew the master was a hard man harvesting where he did not sow and gathering where he had not scattered seed so the third servant buried his one talent and returned it only to be quote thrown into darkness where there would be weeping and the gnashing of teeth. That does sound Old Testament-y. The Old Testament was fucking hard. It was a Tarantino movie. There were gnashing of teeth when you fucked up.

Right. All right. So chalk one up for the Jewish lawyer about the Bible. All right. That's it. Quick tour dates. Raleigh, North Carolina. Good nights on March 25th through 27th. Oh, boy.

Philadelphia at the Helium Comedy Club, April 22nd through 24th. San Francisco, punchline, April 29th through May 1st. Get all tickets at FitzDawg.com. Should we do the front page? Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Oh boy, I'm going to get a newspaper. Here we go! Ready, here we go.

There it is. Alright. Texas, front page this week. A lot of talk about Texas. Let's see, you want to read this, Mike? Sure thing. More than 4 million households in Texas were without electricity this week. So we all know this story, so we don't have to go into reading a lot of details.

But I love this. This is what the Washington Post, quote, rich in both fossil fuels and self-confidence. I'm sorry. That's a great first line. I'm a journalist. I write that line. I am fucking going home.

Yeah. I cannot, nothing that's written after that can top that opener, man. Now, that's a three martini lunch and some Nintendo when you get home. That's all you can do for the rest of that day. And I'm not cherry picking. That is how it started. Rich in both fossil fuels and self-confidence, Texas had long been devoted to its singular power grid, rejecting federal electricity regulation and the kinds of shared high voltage connections with neighboring states that can be

found across most of the country. Warnings over decades that confidence in the grid was misplaced were ignored by top officials. In 1989, punishing cold weather that caused power failures across the state led to a federal study that spelled out how to avoid such a disaster in the future by winterizing equipment the way more northern power companies do. But, well, go ahead. I mean, I can't. Look, I know where you're going with this. And I think that this is a time, as I said at the beginning of the podcast, let's not politicize everything. Let's talk about the fact that AOC, who they fucking hate, did an online fundraiser for Texas and raised two million dollars. Beto O'Rourke was manning phones for fucking a week straight, helping people out.

for fucking a week straight helping people out. This isn't about, you know, when we had wildfires, the Republicans fucking danced on the rooftops, and they blamed us for not sweeping up our brush. A bunch of insane accusations that were all trying to make us look bad. Trump withheld money initially, blamed it on us, and then, by the way, not only is that just third grade, but was also wrong. He was pointing to federal.

That was federal land he was talking about. Exactly. 70% of the forest land that was on fire was federal land, not California regulated land. Oh, my God. And by the way, Biden immediately and the governor of Texas thanked Biden publicly right away, immediately opened up funds for them to the state that drove his tour bus off the highway. Right. And California was starved of federal funds while trying to put out those forest fires. So I just wanted to do a little in the spirit of bringing the country together and all this, just a little, little fuck Texas. Oh, honestly, go fuck yourselves.

And I'm talking to the Texans. Listen, if you tell Los Angeles to go fuck itself and you're telling it to, because it's the most self-centered city that is truly obsessed with self and is out of touch and is running wild with political correctness. You know what? Count me in to that newsletter. I live in L.A., but you know what? I can recognize and admit and I'm big enough not to get injured by an accurate assessment. But honestly, Texas, what's with all the inflated pride? Are they unaware of like the humble confidence? It's a bit much.

Unaware of the humble confidence versus insecure pride? Why are they so threatened? Is it because they're a Mexican afterthought? Is that what also spikes their prejudice against Mexico and all their racism against Mexicans because they were Mexico before an imaginary line was drawn? And then they prefer to be the fucking lone, boast that they're the lone star.

And then when they joy the union, they're like, you know what? Yeah, you know the 50 stars? No, no, we're different than all the 50. We're the lone star. We're sticking with the lone star fucking ethos. Yeah, and you know what? They're going to go down hard.

When this country switches over to off of fossil fuels, that's Texas's whole economy. They got beef and they got gas. Okay. So here, getting back to the news, the mayor of Colorado City, he quit this week. Why? Well, his Facebook post didn't go over so hot when the electricity thing went down earlier this week. Listen to what this Texas mayor said when the emergency went down. And I am quoting.

No one owes you or your family anything, nor is it the local government's responsibility to support you during trying times like this. Sink or swim. It's your choice. trying times like this. Sink or swim. It's your choice. The city and county, along with power providers or any other service, owes you, all caps, nothing! I'm sick and tired of people looking for a damn handout! If you don't have electricity, you step up and come up with a game plan to keep your family warm and safe. If you have no water, you deal with, sorry, you deal with out and think outside the box to survive and supply water to your family. If you were sitting at home in the cold because you have no power and you were sitting there waiting for someone to come rescue you because you're lazy,

waiting for someone to come rescue you because you're lazy, your, Y-O-U-R, is direct, you're lazy, is direct result, by the way, tons of typos in here, is a direct result of your raising, exclamation point. Only the strong will survive and the weak will perish. Folks, God has given us the tools to support ourselves in times like this. This is sadly a product of socialist government where they feed people to believe that the few work and others will become dependent for handouts. Am I sorry that you were having it's almost done, but it is fucking worth it. Am I sorry that you have been dealing without electricity and water? Yes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to provide for anyone that is capable of doing it themselves. We have lost sight of those in need and those that take advantage of the system and mesh them into one group. Two exclamation points.

Bottom line, quit crying and looking for a handout. Get off your ass and take care of your own family. This is as his people in his town are dying. Did he write this from Texas or from Cancun? We'll get to that. How about a fundraiser for this guy's kids? Cause they are the most fucked up human beings in the country right now. Can you imagine being raised by a man with that mindset? He had to be a shit parent.

By the way, like imagine him running like i don't know like a barbecue place like uh what do you expect me to give you food well yeah i did pay i paid you for the service which is food you fucking now you're complaining and you want a handout yeah yeah no i'd like the i'd like the food I bought. I'd like the heat I bought. Yeah. Right. And I love to see his promises on the campaign trail. Somebody should dig up some of his quotes talking about how he's going to help the voters and smash that together with this tweet. Was that a tweet, by the way? He apparently said he must have had a generator to go on Facebook.

And that's where he wrote that. OK. OK, so that's a small town mayor. OK, that might seem unfair to pick him. Why don't we go up the chain a lot? Let's go to the Senate. Not yet. Not even.

We're going to stop at Governor first. Greg Abbott. What's the first thing this leader of the great state of Texas and the people there representing them, what did he did? He immediately went on Fox News with his victimhood and lied and finger pointed and, of course, politicized the crisis. He blamed the frozen windmills and the Green New Deal. And by the way, the photo the photo that they used of the windmills being frozen, not from Texas. They were stock photos from like Norway. You weak, weak man.

You are knowingly lying and pointing the finger when your residents are suffering to avoid blame and to even take on forward-looking responsibility. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. go ahead. You're on a roll. Not really. Now, let's go to the Texan.

Let's go to the senator. Let's go above the governor to the senator. He and Ted Cruz, this perfect piece of shit, initially defended it as taking care of his family like, quote, every Texan. Really? I don't think every Texan took care of their family that way. And he said he lied and said he planned all along to accompany his kids to Cancun. Again, he's blaming his kids, using his kids in his defense. He initially said he took his kids to Cancun to drop them off and return home. Sadly, he had already stated

the opposite, that he was staying through the weekend. So he went on Hannity again and lied. And then they caught his wife in group messages that were public telling everyone, we're getting out of here. The house is freezing. Come down to Mexico with us. Wow. Not only that, the piece of shit with his two kids, he also sends his kids to this elitist private school. Does doesn't believe in the public school system in Texas,

sends them to this elitist private school, which has a policy. If you are traveling and come back in the country, you can, you have to quarantine for like 10 days. private school, which has a policy. If you are traveling and come back in the country, you can, you have to quarantine for like 10 days. And because they're back in person, they don't have virtual classes. So that's cool. And, and, and this school has erupted by the way, because they're like, he, the laws and rules don't apply to Ted Cruz and Ted Cruz's mind. So he was going to come back here from his, from his, you know, come. So he was going to come back here from his from his, you know,

come Sunday when he was going to stay there until and he was going to put his kids right back in the school. Yep. Right. No rules. It's the Hapa. But you think about how fast a politician can go down with an act like this. Like think about Gavin Newsom in California. They are going to recall his governorship mostly because they saw him eating in a restaurant during quarantine. I mean, people that really know politics are upset about how he's dealt with the coronavirus, that it's been kind of splotchy with opening and closing things. But that image of him at the laundromat restaurant in San Francisco is sinking his entire fucking governorship. And it's the same thing

with Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise. Ted Cruz will go down because of this. I fuck. But by the way, they say he, I mean,

I guess the Daily Show, go look it up. They put together a reel of all the times his favorite thing to do was condemn other politicians. He would show a picture of Obama playing pool billiards. Yeah. And he went off on it.

Like, how can he do that while the real people are suffering? Right. A fucking billiards game. And then, of course, all he talked about was Obama with golf. Honestly, do you want to measure Obama's golf against Bush's fucking weed whacking or whatever he would do? Brush clearing in Texas or especially Trump's golf? Yeah, not even close. So anyway, this is the last thing.

It can't even be called an apology because there was no apology when he tried to fess up totally. The last thing he goes, look, this is Ted Cruz. Look, it was obviously a mistake, he told TV cameras, waiting for him when he hastily returned. In hindsight, I wouldn't have done it. Should have ended it there, you fucking piece of shit. Doesn't end it there. In hindsight, I wouldn't have done it. I was trying to be a dad.

What a true piece of garbage yeah yeah again but fucking your kids so really your kids should apologize that's basically what you're saying and also if you want to be a good dad be a role model keep them home get a fucking shovel go shovel a neighbor's driveway out because you've got you've been given so much. Watch your father step up and be a leader, which you he has sacrificed so much in terms of not being at your school play or your birthday party because he's out campaigning. But there's a higher there's a higher goal, which is I'm helping my constituents. Nope. Going to take you to fucking Cancun. Even do the fucking weak ass thing of a photo op holding a shovel or some shit. helping my constituents. Nope. Going to take you to fucking Cancun.

Even do the fucking weak ass thing of a photo op holding a shovel or some shit. Yeah. Right. Honestly, go in a family's house where their sink is frozen over. It looks like Iceland. At least do that because even that symbolic thing, which most people can see through, does help other people. I think it's actually Greenland. People haven't forgotten about us.

Greenland is the cold one. What? Everybody says Iceland, but it's actually Greenland that's really cold. I'll wait for all the corrections. And by the way, Texas, calm the fuck down. Most of you, especially listening to this podcast, if you're from there, are like-minded. You're self-critical, as I said up top. This isn't aimed at you. It's aimed at that distorted sense of pride, that misguidedness. I don't know

what it is about that threatened culture down there that they have to do that. But Agatha Christie, great quote, a weak man in a corner is more dangerous than a strong man. There you go. The other correction was, speaking of snow. Oh, no, this is a front correction. We're not on correction still. No, we're on front page. That was a good podcast. Take it easy.

The next story. Give me a crinkle. Give me a goddamn crinkle. Toro is recalling around 6,700 snowblowers because of the amputation hazard. I hope they are big sellers in Texas. It has to do with that rotating corkscrew-like device that scoops the snow up and heaves it through the discharge chute. So it just doesn't stop.

If something goes in there, it doesn't stop. Honey, honey, thanks for doing the, you got the snow out of the driveway. Can you get rid of the blood? Wait, what Toro model is this? Is this the Fargo? Why did we get the Fargo snowblower? You're going to love this story, Mike. Silence of the lambs. Oh, wait, hold on. Is this a paper? There we go. Oh, wait, hold on. Is this a paper? There we go. The buyer, the buyer of a Pennsylvania home that served as a filming location for Buffalo Bill's house in Silence of the Lambs is now being converted into a bed and breakfast.

Brilliant idea. Chris Rowan said he is filling the house with memorabilia from the Silence of the Lambs and doing renovations to make some of the inside match the interior shots that were filmed on a soundstage. Rowan said the renovations include digging a basement to resemble the open one seen in the film as the actual house does not have a basement at all. There's no basement at the Alamo. If they want to really match his, I have a white dog. They can fucking have it.

This thing. You saw the memes this week about Ted Cruz's dog. Yeah. Being the Silence of the Lambs dog. Yeah, yeah. And by the way, they did leave their dog there. And of course, everyone went crazy like the dog is going to freeze to death and die. No, the dog is totally being taken care of by a security guard who sits in an SUV in the driveway. No shit.

Not joking about that. Wow. With the fucking engine running all day. Well, of course. He'd freeze to death. Yeah. Do you want to spend the weekend at the house? I mean, if you've seen the movie, how do you fucking sleep in that house?

Okay. So, our friend Tom O'Neill with Chaos, he talked about, did he ever tell you to share those disturbing details? They're not in his book, that he learned about that when the crime scene was taped off on, I should know the Manson murders at the Manson house, right? The Manson murders at the Tate house. Uh, I forget what drive it is, but everyone kind of knows that it's, uh, and it's up in the Hills. Um, and it was in, you know, Tarantino's movie when it was taped off and there was still blood there was a mercy. There were some Hollywood guys who would pay the guard there to go in and have sex in the crime scene. No shit. Now, I don't know how true that is, but I can't make that up.

So what I'm saying is that is a bona fide rumor. And I think Tom was told that by people who would know now, were they making it up? I don't know, but there's also, there's probably a catchy little name for it of this sort of morbid tourism, more morbidism. I don't know what I'm trying to make one up, but, uh, there's probably something where, you know, there's tourism for all sorts of niche things. You know what I mean? Like obviously there's tourism for, you know, famous sites from movies and all that stuff. So this makes total sense. And did you see it came out on Netflix last week? Have you seen Crime Scene on Netflix yet?

No. It's about the Cecil Hotel downtown. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You talked about it last week a little bit. A lot of murders in there. And then a famous case of an Asian woman from Canada who disappeared and all the conspiracy theories because they had footage of her acting weird in the elevator and everything. And they accused a musician of killing her who was staying in the hotel. But anyway, that's become a big place to go stay. Yeah. And Tom O'Neill actually wants to throw his birthday party there.

What about the Shining Hotel in Portland? We've both been there. Yep. People go there all the time, and I think you can get a room and have sex there. Did you see Night Stalker? Yes. About the serial murderer up there in California and all these goth chicks that showed up to the trial that all wanted to have his baby. Totally.

That was crazy. And by the way, he used to stay in the Cecil after he would kill someone. No. The documentary talks about it. He would rinse off. He'd have blood on him and stuff. And he would go and he would stay there. And I guess it's a fact that he would stay there during that time.

Damn. That's awesome. Give me a crinkle, Mike. Oh, geez. All right. You want to read this one? What paper is this? The Dallas Morning Star.

Go fuck yourself. Oh, Dark Tourism. Who just wrote that on there? Chris? Yeah. And Netflix has a show called Dark Tourist. Thank you, Chris, for hopping off your fucking, sending everything I just said to Texas to start a revolution on your fucking dark net.

Oh, yeah. He's building an army against you right now. I love these stories. I'm going to keep putting them in every week. Sex Robot, the sex robot, by the way, this is the quote. It says machines will, quote, do you have to quote? I guess we quote robots now, will take over the world after her AI is turned up. A sex robot said that machines are going to take over the world after her personality was cranked up to, quote, maximum realism.

She sounds like my wife. Harmony also has, I guess the robot's Harmony, also has a mood system which users influence indirectly. If no one interacts with her for days, she will act gloomy. Oh, shit. Likewise, if you insult her, as McMullen demonstrates, I guess a guy in this story, he called Harmony ugly and stupid, to which she responded, I'll remember you said that when the robots take over the world. Okay. Even if that's a joke, does the robot know it's a joke?

The robot doesn't. You may set the, it's like when you talk to Siri, sometimes you say, Siri, am I beautiful? And Siri will say something cute and funny about, you're the most beautiful person I've ever, whatever. That stays in there. That goes into the software and they learn it. They are, you know, if you're going to fuck her and all of a sudden you're just going to hear a scissor sound while your penis is inside of her.

You won't even hear it coming. I mean, are you kidding me? And by the way, I don't think robots and AI are so hot on sarcasm. Right. Like imagine I have a robot, a live-in robot. It just brought me my coffee. Everything's great. It doesn't matter if it's a he or she.

It's so weird to even talk about it. First of all, you have to ask the robot what pronoun they use. You have to do that now with AI and they have to be in the mood to talk to you. So my AI robot comes, serves coffee and all that. And all of a sudden I look down and I don't know, a Woody Allen review or a fucking Texas story. And I'm like, ah, kill me. Not going to be saying that. I'm not going to be saying that about my robot. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. With the robot listening. Yeah. You drop something. You go, God, I could kill myself.

She just starts moving towards you. Yeah. I can help with that, sir. Yeah. Uh, isn't this the opposite of why you build a sex robot don't you want her to have no feelings yeah it's like my little Roomba right it's like uh it doesn't feel like vacuuming

I don't give a shit that's why I have you yeah do you want your you want yourself driving Tesla to drive into a fucking tree because you because you got upset that the acceleration wasn't fast enough? Yeah. I want you to pay me, and I also want you to make a little effort at speaking Spanish. I already have that. That's why I got you. Let's go around the world, Mike. Let's get international. Here we go. Dallas is a very international city. All right, go ahead.

Paris, Texas. Huge story. Huge story this week. Joe Biden has officially rejoined the Paris agreement, fulfilling a campaign promise that he initiated on his very first day in office. It's an international agreement among nearly 200 nations to combat climate change committed to keep global warming below two degrees Celsius above pre-industrial levels. I think Trump got us out of it because he didn't understand what Celsius meant. Under the Obama administration, the U.S. was one of the lead negotiators of the agreement. Former President Trump announced in June 2017 that the U.S. would withdraw from it. I think he would. I think he's famous for withdrawing early from things.

he would withdraw. I think he's famous for withdrawing early from things. During his campaign, Biden set up a goal of ensuring that the U.S. achieves net zero emissions by 2050. That's soon. That's soon. Net zero? Net zero, which means every house

has solar panels or is living off, you know, windmills and every car is electric. Look, I was over it. By the way, it doesn't mean that. There could be tons of polluters, but there has to be more that are offsetting it. Right. That's the net zero part.

Yeah, I remember hearing, who got shit about having, oh, Warren Buffett. Not Warren Buffett, not Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, got shit because he's such a climate activist, but he also owns like four jets and he's got like 12 cars and he got shit about it. And he goes, yes, but my carbon footprint is net zero because I've spent millions of dollars doing positive things for the environment.

Right. Little sketchy. It's not bad. I was at the Dunskies last night. I didn't realize they have solar panels and an electric car, so they don't pay for any electricity in their house or any gas for their car. And that's not a huge leap anymore. I mean, there are companies that will install solar panels into your house

and charge you not a ton of money, and you make that money back within like three or four years from not paying any electric bills in your house. All right, easy. Are they a sponsor? Are we wetting our beaks on this at all? My nephew is working for one of these companies, and he's trying to talk us into doing it to our house.

Well, you know, you just have to crunch. It's very easy to crunch the numbers on when you would break even. It's not very easy. It's very easy once you have the data to put into that equation. Right. And then you actually can make money because the extra energy can get sold back to the electric company. Goes right back out onto the grid. Right. Yep. But yeah, obviously, the more things you're using, you know, like your car and all that, that'll definitely help you. But I didn't realize this because, you know, Cass Donovan has an electric car and she's working at, we live in Venice and she works at Universal on this TV show.

It's, the car supposedly can go 26 miles on a charge and she can- No, it has to than that that's what she said all right go ahead because it's not fully electric it runs on just electricity until the electricity is used up and then it reverts to the gas engine after that are you talking about their little beamer no the other one. Oh, okay. No, because the Beamer is... It's electric with a pretty good range, but it has like one gallon of gas or something. Right, right, right. Yeah. So anyway, she told me that when she goes to work, she has to plug the car in to get it home, but it costs her $2.20 to get the charge, which is more money than it would cost for the gas. So you're really doing it for the environment.

You're not doing it to save money. By the way, I don't think it's more money than the gas. I did not realize these chargers cost money because I've never used one. I just assumed they were free. Most don't. Do you ever see the people reading newspapers at the Whole Foods parking lot, sitting in their car charging? Never seen that. Yep. You know, there's a lot of chargers at Whole Foods, of course.

And I'm sure they're super fast ones. Texas company. Because she charges, hers takes eight hours because she doesn't have the supercharger, whatever. She uses just a regular power source know, power source from the house. And it takes like eight hours. But if you get the supercharger, I think you can do it in like an hour. And they're putting, you know, I think Tesla started putting solar panels on the car, you know, but. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah. But it couldn't get enough. So it would do things. I think it would try to power the AC, although the AC is a very big electricity culprit. But yeah, when you're sitting on the 101, man, baking, they should have more solar

panels and obviously they're getting more and more efficient. Right. Getting back to this Biden thing, though, you know, net zero emissions by 2050. And of course, Biden would be like, I didn't write anything for this, but it's like, mark my words and call me out on it in 2050 if I'm wrong. He will be 80, he'll be 110 years old. He'll at least be dead for 20 years. Yeah. Here, about recycling, give me a crinkle. Speaking of recycling and multi-use repurposing.

That's right. Employees at a recycling center in England came to the rescue when a man accidentally dropped his wedding ring into a sorting container. James Ross was dropping off some cardboard and his ring fell off and vanished into the depths of the container. He alerted nearby employees. The machine was shut down and four workers climbed inside to search this was like all covered in fucking goop and and uh garbage he said it was like searching for a needle in a haystack huge mound of waste to search through we're about to give up when i spotted it my wife was over the moon she thought i was making up an elaborate story so is everyone fuck

you whore who who is she i mean that's the thing is i would never marry a british woman oh please i think this guy lied by the way i did lose my wedding ring uh twice so the third one was the one i was wearing when I got divorced. There's a lot in there. A lot to unpack. She could tell things weren't going well because you bought that last. The last one you got out of a Jiffy Pop box. I told you. The second one, I had them recreate the inscription, which was the date of it.

And the third one, nothing. No inscription. It's fine. But if I lost it, I don't know, cheating or whatever it was, I'd be like, first call to you. Listen, go fucking find a wedding band. I don't care if it's whatever. Go put it by lifeguard stand 25 in the sand right behind the back post. Just do it.

And then I come in. I lost it on the beach. It's a needle in a haystack. Let's go try. Yeah. And then go find it. Yeah, of course. with her now it's the best cover for a trip a trip to the strip club of all time they should have a thing when you go to a strip club you know how you have to leave your gun outside a nightclub

when you go in yeah or like cops have to leave their gun outside uh the metal detector when they go to court they should have a box for wedding rings when you walk into a strip club. Not only does it kind of hurt emotionally when you see your ring as you're getting a lap dance, but it hurts your finger a little when you're grabbing your hips so tightly. Does gold hold the smell of perfume? Wow, your ring is really glittering. Yeah, it is lately, honey. I don't know what it is.

I gave it a wash. I want it to stand out more, so I put a little glitter on it. It's time for Florida, man. Time for Florida, man. That's a good crinkle right there. Here we go. All right. Two Floridians attempted to get second doses of the COVID-19 vaccine by dressing as elderly women. When I saw that headline, I was so hoping it was men. Yes, I know.

Or that guitarist prankster from up above. By the way, getting back to that for a second, who cares if it's a prank? It's still like the guy made a, that's a Florida man story. Guy decides to prank everybody by making a real guitar with a skeleton. Right. That did happen. Right. It's even stupider than maybe the real story. All right.

The women came to the vaccination site wearing bonnets, gloves, and, you know, as you would do in Florida, and glasses in an attempt to receive their vaccines. Dr. Raul Pino said during a press conference, Anyway, according to the sheriff's office, the women were 44 and 34. Health officials did not know how the women were able to get their first vaccine shots and whether they had dressed up then as well. Yeah, I don't get, is the second shot not guaranteed in Florida? Yeah, I thought once you got the first one, you automatically got the second one. Maybe they weren't trying to scam.

Maybe that's their thing. What's with the bonnets? Were they disguising themselves as women from the 1800s? No, we're really old. We should get this. They pulled up on a stagecoach. Yeah. Do you have anything from a rheumatism?

Do you have the flesh from the horse that has the vaccine in it? Where are your elixirs on your cart with the horse? And will you be giving me leeches as well? cart with the horse. And will you be giving me leeches as well? Oh, man. I wonder what they dressed as the first time to get the shot. Right. Exactly.

Good one. Good Florida, man. Entertainment. We got a lot to talk about in entertainment. but they were they're masquerading all right here we go oh entertainment let's do it i have been watching a show with my wife and it turns out every single person i talk to is so excited to say oh my god have you seen call my agent yet it's a french it's a french show oh i heard about it it's like a dramedy it's mostly comedy but it's a one hour and it's got a lot of you know it's got a lot of drama to it as well but um i mean look the french are annoying and i can't

and when you when you think of french you don't think of good comedy but the but the cast is so fucking good the writing is amazing and it just draws you in it's the kind of thing where it's not that often that i get lost in a tv show and i forget that i'm watching a tv show this thing is this thing draws you in and holds you a lot of big laughs excellent show wow netflix yeah all right Netflix, yeah. All right, I got to watch it. You know what I did do this week? And that's, by the way, laughing while reading subtitles,

which is hard because comedy is so much about looking at the face of the person. I have a theory, though. As you know, I'm doing a project with subtitles. We're trying to get it off the ground. I have a theory. I laugh harder at subtitles in a weird way. There's some layer that's added, obviously, literally, but I give them more credit for being funny.

I don't know why. Because also there could be timing of it. You hear them talk for a while, and you don't know what they're saying, and then you read it. It's kind of like saying, like, what did he say? He said to go fuck your mother. There's almost that layer to it. oh that's interesting yeah i actually i give more credit and i'm not criticizing it i find i'm more generous with how impressed i am with humor if i'm reading subtitles maybe part of it's being um you know

uh it's my ego i don't like that this culture would be less funny I don't think so though I'm very much enjoying it so in other words you're reading it and your own delivery you're making up in your head is better than you think

the actor would have been giving himself you said that and that does not capture what I'm trying to express they're French so you'd probably be right maybe

did I tell you about my French neighbor no oh my god I got this guy who lives next door and he's subletting it's like there's like a duplex next door and it has a big window on it so it's like a fishbowl i can see in this guy's apartment all the time yeah especially when you're looking into it well when i'm doing dishes i'm literally looking out my window into his apartment oh that's all the time go Go ahead. I do a lot of

dishes. First of all, he's French and he's fucking beautiful. He's got long curly, not curly, wavy hair, blue eyes. He looks like Jesus. Got the little beard and he has decided that he's going to be Johnny. You know how the French come to America and then they buy

cowboy boots and jeans and they just like they do dress up. They and they just like they do. They do dress up. They play American while they're here. Yeah, I've seen bad characters on sitcoms before. Go ahead. So he has decided he's got the skateboard. He's got the surfboard. Every morning he gets while I'm walking my dog, he's skateboarding back. He goes to Air One, which was the fucking obnoxiously hipster grocery. He skateboards down there and he's always coming back with his special fucking coffee.

And then he bought a beach cruiser and he rides to the beach with the surfboard and he's always got chicks coming by, fucking smoking hot chicks that are driving BMWs and Porsches and he plays guitar

the worst guitar player i've ever heard in my life he doesn't strum he plays leads but they're like french leads like they're he's trying to be artistic but it's fucking terrible and he cranks it up on the amplifier and then he has these parties where beautiful people show up. Just the right amount of black people. It's like, who's casting this fucking party at this guy's house? And never say, the reason I'm angry is he's very French about saying hi. I say hi to him all the time and he nods at me. He never says anything.

Well, he, first, come on, giving him a little, in his defense, he probably can't hear you over your sink water that's hitting the dishes and all the scrubbing you're doing. He's watching you wave and knock on your window. And of course he's just going to look back. I want in. I want into his world. Totally.

You already brought up, you think it's because they're profiling and they don't need another white person in there. Yeah. Oh, the French. up, you think it's because they're profiling and they don't need another white person in there. Yeah. Uh, yeah. French. It might be your, it might be your apron too, that you wear when you wash dishes in your house. Or the beret.

That might not fly at his party. Yeah. Um. What'd you watch this week? I watched, wait, I was thinking, oh, one thing I did, I watched, I watched the first two episodes. Sophie wanted to start the Sopranos. Wow.

I could not be prouder. So I was like, you know how you go back? If you ever go back and watch the pilot of Friends, it's garbage. And they even don't have the characters down yet. The Jennifer Aniston was the dumb one, but they didn't figure out that Phoebe was the dumb one. They still were really, it was far from solidified.

And you'll, you know, you go back to other things and it's like, oh, like Seinfeld. Season one of Seinfeld, dude, not that strong. It was called the Seinfeld Chronicles the first year. Yeah. So we watched Sopranos. So all of a sudden the opening credits kick in, right? After the ducks, you know, in the pool, the cold open. Yeah.

And there's the shot from Jersey of the Twin Towers. I'm like, oh. And Sophie goes, are you always going to say, oh, when you see the Twin Towers? I'm like, yep. Because, you know, it's in the beginning of Friends also. There's the Twin Towers. Oh, really? Oh, the Twin Towers is all over Friends as even just interstitial bumpers going out of commercials and stuff.

Yeah. And I'm always like, oh. That explains why they flew planes into those things. But it's like, oh, yeah, I forgot. It's not just the mom who doesn't make it to season two or three. It's those Twin Towers also. Because The Sopranos started in 99. Those 3,000 extras weren't in the next season.

Oh, Greg. The other thing. I watched a movie that was really scary called Little Fish. It's a romantic movie that was made a year and a half ago. I think they filmed it. And it's about a pandemic. Really? And people are wearing masks.

But the virus that's going around gives you Alzheimer's. Huh. In two forms. But the virus that's going around gives you Alzheimer's. Huh? In two forms, either a slow decay and irreversible. So what happens is all of a sudden you see the bassist in your band or your boyfriend not remember the song that he always remembers. And you're like, fuck. So it's either the slow decay or it hits you instantly. Anyway, they try to have, you know, do a good thing with it in this movie.

It's well done. But man, I just couldn't shake the sort of, it was scary in that way. Wow. Well, you know, that movie Contagion, people say was really fucking dead on. Like, you know, the machinations of a virus spreading around the world were very accurate.

Well, the scariest thing I've read is like they talk to these scientists who now are stepping back for a bigger perspective. And almost all of them are like, we are so lucky that our fire drill was such a benign virus. Yeah, right, right. It wasn't Ebola. It wasn't, the other ones just would have killed so many people. Oh, yeah, Ebola was like five times the death rate that this coronavirus was. And there are other ones that are crazy.

Is Ebola a type of corona? No, right? Why don't we just say we don't know, and then we can't get corrected? I also, did we talk about Watchmen? Yes, you've talked about it a lot. It's easing your white guilt. You like it.

I think I might have that virus that gives you Alzheimer's. And then I watched the Your Honor finale. Oh, is that the one with what's his name? Yeah, Bryan Cranston. Disappointing, but not bad.

But they really, you know, they could have done things differently, but I guess it would have meant, like they didn't have to sew everything up. Anyway, I don't want to give anything away. It's a finale. By the way, I asked for your passcode to Showtime. Three different listeners sent me their passcodes. That's so great. At FitzDogRadio at gmail.com.

But I didn't use any of them. I'm going to use yours because I think what happens is when you sign up, they send you a code to your phone to verify. Yeah. Oh, right. So we talked about Fake Fam fake famous by the way fake famous i watched which you had talked about last week and uh it really is amazing to me like when i think about podcasts or social influencers that have blown up like it's illogical that some podcasts have gotten as huge as they have and the truth is

it's because they bought bots are fucking cheap buying a fake bot follower is fucking cheap and the more you buy like they talked about there's one girl there's only one girl that stuck with the program and continued to allow them to to groom her to be a social influencer. And they bought her, say, 100,000 bots. But she now, I looked her up on Twitter yesterday. She has 350,000 now. And those are people that saw she had a lot, so they joined up. That's how it works.

Yeah, snowball. And the advertisers, just all they do is they see how many followers you have, and all of a sudden they're sending you fucking products to your house. And then they're flying you out to Hawaii for a vacation. So you'll tweet about it. And, yeah, so I'm going to buy some bots. I'm kidding. I'm not buying bots.

Well, instead of people sending us their password, just buy us some bots. Or you can follow us. Just follow at GibbonsTime on Instagram and Twitter. Oh, I was just talking about the podcast, subscribing. And follow me at Greg Fitzjo on Twitter and just Greg Fitzsimmons on Instagram. So you're saying people had bots subscribe to their podcast? Well, to their social media, which I think in turn promotes the podcast. How about just getting bots to subscribe to the podcast? Can you do that?

Well, no, Texas bots are going to join now. That's for fucking sure. Yeah, you really fucking burned us in Texas this week. Why don't you pick the biggest state in the union and shit all over them? Okay, here I come, Alaska. And then wonder why our ratings don't go up. Here I come, Alaska. See what I did there?

I tried to watch Kingdom, which somebody recommended. It's set in Venice Beach, about this MMA gym. And I've never seen anybody capture Venice where they didn't have to romanticize it and make everybody gritty. And everybody's got an alcoholic single parent, and they go out and skateboard at one in the morning. You know, it's just it was too Venice. I couldn't get through it. And also I went also the main MMA tough guy is fucking Nick Jonas. Are you shitting me?

He didn't even have a physique of a fighter. He's got saggy tits and a fucking tire. So he he hosted SNL this weekend how was he well it's truthfully it's saturday right now so it hasn't aired yet yes that show is sometimes live what why is he on does he have something to promote yeah he's he apparently he's all jacked up and looks like a fighter. So he wants to show that off live. Speaking of sports, let's do some sports. Do we really have to?

Didn't we just cover it with MMA? I just want to mention – Sports, sports, sports. Well, somebody named Augur Jacques wrote in and said, still trying to determine if Bucs won the Super Bowl because Tom Brady is great or is it because Mike bet against them at the beginning of the season? I'm going to go with the latter. Australian Open is going on right now by the time you hear this you will know the winner of the uh women's finals which i'm as soon as this is done recording

i'm gonna go home i've recorded it and i'm gonna watch it but who's in the finals do you know yeah it's uh naomi osaka and uh jennifer brady they're both Americans, even though fucking Osaka calls herself Japanese. That's her. You know, she plays for Japan, basically. Oh, she does? Yeah, she fucking learned it here. She grew up here. Her father's Japanese.

What is it? Her father's Japanese and her mother's black? No, I'm guessing the mother's Japanese and the father's black. Dad is Haitian and the mother's Japanese, according to Chris Denman, who always sees color. Always knows people's races. I'm going to trust him on this. So weird.

Yeah. But she is, when she played Serena, Serena looked fucking great in this tournament she dropped weight she was playing defensively which she never does chasing balls down and and I I happen to love Serena she's my favorite athlete to watch and uh she looked like she was gonna take a bad sport yes oh yeah you're the biggest McEnroe fan known to man on the microphone saying that she's a bad sport. That's fucking sexist. I'm just like calling you out.

You can't handle a woman being aggressive. That's your problem. No, McEnroe never, ever made an effort to appear like a good sport or to like sell themselves as wholesome and do the sheepish like, oh, well, man, it's all about niceness and fucking making hearts with your hands. He didn't do any of that shit. He was true. That's why I like her. I like her. I like to see her fucking switch. I think people can be two different people. You think I'm like this? I'm giving her a hard time. I think I talk like this in real person. She's great in person. She's a great. She's great. like this in real person she's great in person she's a great she's great um so anyway but then she came up against uh Osaka and Osaka is the future of tennis she is like Serena she hits 120 mile an hour serves she's got a fucking backhand that you just don't don't hit her a backhand

and uh and she's she's young she's she's really great she's really great. She's really great. She's like a Mazda. I mean, she's like a Mazda, technically Japanese, but made in Kentucky. So I have no doubt by the time you listen to this, you will know that Osaka won the finals,

although I don't know who won right now. All right. So let's get to science. Do we want to do science? All right, let's skip science. Let's get to science. Do we want to do science? All right, let's skip science. Let's go to business. We're doing business. Tell me which because it depends which crinkle I do.

Oh, do business. There we go, business. Yeah, business is a much bigger section than science in the New York Times. Sure is. So the contest is on. We have set up, or I haven't set up, but one of the listeners set up a group on Investopedia, which is not an easy site to navigate.

I'll tell you guys in advance. So unless they're going to be a sponsor, maybe I shouldn't say anything. Maybe you shouldn't say anything. Okay, they're great and totally intuitive and makes totally sense because it has to be easy to find your way around it because a lot of people sign their kids up for this to teach them about business. Love Investopedia.

If you want to get on this group, and we're having a contest. This will go on until the 4th of July, and then whichever one of our listeners has made the most money in there, you get $100,000 in money. And then you play it like you'd play the stock market. So what you're going to do is go to Investopedia. And then you're going to scroll down to where it says Stock Simulator. It's halfway down on the left-hand side. Hit Get Started.

simulator it's halfway down on the left hand side hit get started and then when you get to it you can search for um different games and you're going to look up the sunday papers pod that's what it's called search for sunday papers pod and then it's that easy it's actually once you get to the page it's really fucking easy so you see the rankings no No. Also very hard to, I mean, easy to find. I think we have over 30 who have somehow found their way there very easily. Oh, that's amazing. I'm ranked fifth. Nice. And I have not invested a dollar yet. So that just shows you what's going on. I'm still at a hundred thousand cause I didn't pull the trigger yet, and I'm ranked fifth. Yeah, I didn't either. I wanted to wait for our listeners to all get in on it.

So do that this week. If you have troubles, email us at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. We'll try to navigate you through it, and we'll see who wins the most. Also in the news, a 90-year-old man spent $10,000 on two ads in the wall street journal to tell AT&T CEO about his slow internet service. It's the best.

It's the best because I always, all of us, when we're on hold for the fourth time with a company, you just think if I had limitless money, I would fucking do exactly that. Yeah. And I know we brought this story up last week. Oh, did we? No, we were skipping it, but we just kind of gave a little mention because we had started to talk about it. The best is, even with that, the CEO immediately was brought to his attention. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And and they and they had to address it publicly because because his little ad generated a lot of publicity, negative publicity. Meanwhile, you wrote it. Meanwhile, you wrote an email to the L.A. Times that went into their fucking spam folder. A biased reporter. Do you know, in the last sentence, she called the allegations true without quotes or attributing to the someone that it was. She told the true story. It's like, I think we just learned a lot about the reviewer. Meanwhile, you have to categorically say they were untrue because it went. Didn't it go to trial and it was dismissed? And you can say that the the the victim, the alleged victim, I guess, whatever, is claiming her truth. That's absolutely. She did not do that at all.

She said truth. Interesting. You want to read this next one? Not really. I want to talk about Texas more. Okay. Which one? Oh, the, nah.

Okay. Let's go to, we have, you want do an ask amy or letters to the editor we got a lot of letters to the editor let's get let's do that okay well we can do ask amy next week it's about political signs which is kind of funny we can do that uh next week all right letters to the editor that's a section i found it i found it i wrote a letters to the editor. Is that a section? Letters to the editor. That's a section. Oh, I found it. I found it. I wrote a letter to the editor. Go ahead. Jeffrey Nelson says, I have a first-of-its-kind comment for Sunday Papers. Mike was right about something medical.

Oh, boy. When taking medicine by swallowing it, the drug goes through the liver for initial metabolism. When absorbing it under the tongue, it bypasses the first pass metabolism and hits you faster and harder. We use this in hospice a lot to give people that can't swallow concentrated doses of morphine for pain relief. Yeah. So I guess snorting is just like putting it under,

I bet you snorting is even better than putting it under the tongue. I bet you're right. But how do you get old people to snort morphine? Right. But of course I got this right because last week, as I said, I snorted Adderall and then I read 60 articles about it. Do you think I'm going to get it wrong? If I worked in, and this has got to be a phenomenon for people that work hospice, is taking the morphine.

You're alone with a dying person, sometimes for weeks, and the family visits for an hour a day, and the rest of the time you're watching fucking Maury Povich and listening to a heart machine. Of course you're going to take the morphine. Okay, so I have a jar full of morphine pills, like 12 feet away from me, if you want some. I gave, of course, one of our friends who's also a book writer, I gave him a bunch. How did you get morphine? From my hip surgery. Ouch.

So they gave me a lot for the initial pain, but I really didn't take a lot. So get this, though. When I did take it, it did relieve the pain. But I took them when I went backpacking because you get up there and it's like 60 pounds on your back. And, you know, it's too much. I bite off more than I can chew. And I took them and it didn't really work. And it kept me up.

And it was not enjoyable. When I was 18, I backpacked my way through Europe for six months. I, when I was 18, I backpacked my way through Europe for six months. And when I got to Denmark, I had developed an ingrown toenail that got so infected that I had to have surgery. That's fun for your neighbor in the hostel in the lower bunk. luckily i knew a guy i i had a friend of a friend that lived in denmark and uh uh and henrik hess and i stayed on his couch and they gave me a fucking gross of morphine and i laid on his couch for a week straight and they were they were playing dallas reruns in english and so i sat there on morphine it may be other than the birth of my children, it may be the greatest experience of my life. I fucking love morphine. Well, I told you when my shoulder broke from that, whatever, that horse accident,

which is a whole thing. Anyway, it, if my, so we drive to the emergency room and it turned out the brake was on the arm right below like the the ball of the of the bone going into the socket so if i move the arm immediately i mean even like a fraction of an inch peripheral vision would start to go it just wanted me to shut down like i like i until i said i then froze again i would not pass out so my, I figured out, I put my thumb in a, in a bell loop. Anyway, go into the emergency room. The guy's like, okay. And I'm like, like literally it was like, you can't, you cannot touch it. You cannot touch it. And, um, he goes, okay. He goes, so what we're going to do is, and he hooks me up to an IV and he goes, what we're going to do is we're going to take you in the other room

and we're going to x-ray it in a couple of positions. And I go, I don't know how many times I have to say this, but this is in one position and that's all it's going to be in. Can you just fucking put a sling on it? And he, and he's just, and he just laughs and he's like, okay, so that IV in your arm right there is, uh, has morphine in it. And I don't think you're going to have problems putting your arm in different positions. And I'm like, I don't think so. Cut to not even five minutes later, I'm flexing. I'm like, you want to like which way to the beach? Over my head. I'm like, how do you, how many pictures do you want to take? I was in ecstasy. Yeah. That, that, that IV in your arm is morphine in it i don't think you have any problem sucking my dick in about seven minutes and remembering nothing my girls are like this

is the best mood we've ever seen daddy in god my arm my arm feels better but my jaw is fucking sore what the hell happened in that doctor's office yeah so i went off on um on tom brady for taking a almost a million dollars in ppp relief from the government by the way we incorrectly said it was for his charity it's for his sports company right sports now i mixed there were two stories one was that he took money from the best buddies to start his foundation, which is another foundation. And anyway, so De Niro apparently is guilty of the same thing. De Niro is worth over $500 million. And yet he took loans from the government totaling upwards of $28 million for his restaurant chain. Yeah.

At least he's got legitimate businesses that actually hire people. So you can see that there might be some coverage for that, but it's still something he probably could have covered out of his own pocket. Right. But I guess the point being what? Yeah, both sides do it, of course. What do you mean both sides? Well, this guy, I don't know. It seems like it's like, hey, the other side, meaning liberal. Oh, I see.

De Niro is famously outspoken against Trump and Brady is famously outspoken pro-Trump. Right. I guess that's this guy's angle. Well, no, I just think it's interesting that, yeah, that celebrities in general are, you know, they're run by their accountants and their lawyers. Like, I don't think De Niro woke up one morning and said, I'm going to call the government and get some money. They've got accountants that are saying, look, we're looking out for your bottom line at all times,

finding you the right investments, finding you the best tax shelters. And in this case, you are technically eligible for government assistance, at which point De Niro should say, bad optic. I'm worth a half a billion dollars. Don't worry about it. Let it go. And instead, he took the money and then apparently was reported as lamenting the need to slash his spending. It was reported that he cut his ex-wife. I can't read because Christopher's writing underneath it.

Grace Hightower's American Express limit from $100,000 to $50,000 a month. Hmm. Yeah. That's tough. $100,000 a month? Yeah, $50,000 a month. How's she going to do it? Can you imagine having that much money to spend?

Shit. And, you know, by the way, same with Tom Brady. What would we say? He's worth $200 million? But none of these guys are really worth that much usually. Like, for instance, I'm going to guess the estimate of 500 million for De Niro is factoring in his thriving restaurants. Right. Yeah.

Which immediately are not in play if you're going to tease this math out and see, you know, would they have gone under with that? Blah, blah, blah. So anyway. All gone under with that? Bah, bah, bah. So anyway. All right. So this one comes from Mike in Pittsburgh. He says, hey, Greg and Mike, when Fitz Dogg forwards this email, the Sunday Papers is so great. I'm giddy every Sunday when the new episodes comes out.

We're three weeks away from from your one year anniversary of the podcast. What about having your producer chris denman on as a special guest to celebrate we tried that and chris he fucked up the technology and uh it didn't like we lose all the audio on the show or something well he wanted to do it from the rotunda in the capital that's right right. And the Wi-Fi was out. Yep. And his backdrop, I think we couldn't get clearance of a swastika from YouTube. Hold on.

I got distracted. I'm looking up. I wanted to look up. Chris is now writing, glad you guys got that email from my mom's parody account, Mike in Pittsburgh. Yeah, maybe we should have Chris on. Should we have him on? By the way, our one-year anniversary is not until March 16th. This is our 51st episode,

but that's because we did a bunch of Thursday papers, which added to the number. But March 16th, we're going to do a combination, one-year anniversary, St. Patrick's Day episode. We're going to do a combination one-year anniversary St. Patrick's Day episode. We're hoping to do it live somewhere, but we're still hammering out the details. I didn't really hear that. Did I just commit to something? You don't commit.

I commit, and then we don't do it. Okay. All right. Daniel Goodman, I don't think Mike's stories are too long. What them seem long is the constant right now the constant breaks to add in his fucking disclaimers since football is over maybe you guys can bet on the over under on how many times Mike says by the way huh Mike's the smartest Mike's the smartest dumb person I've ever listened to have you heard that before Mike? thank you

says the dumb part of me I guess well I didn't notice you say by the way I guess you do say by the way but I find that when you say a by the way it ramps it up I think you're a great storyteller and when you say by the way

it's something that is insightful. Hey, now. That's what I'm going to change. That's what I'm going to swap in for, by the way. That's my thing. Oh, sorry. All right. Damn it, I'm trying to find fucking the jokes for De Niro.

He read so many good ones. Jonathan Berman says, I enjoyed your waxing nostalgic about New York City bars. Curfew time is 4 a.m., not 2 a.m. Also, Patty O'Reilly's has killer loud music. Black 47, remember? I had my birthday there. You had your birthday there. And we hung out with Joe Strummer from The Clash at Patty O'Reilly's one night.

You remember that? Of course you remember that. One of the greatest nights of your life. Fish handshake, but I went with it. And then he just wanted to keep talking. And I kept kind of like shitting on my long stories. I was like, cool. And he's like, hey, what are you doing?

And he kept striking up conversation. Eventually, I'm like, dude, I got to get back to my friends. I remember watching you and you just looked like you were in heaven. I was. I was in heaven. But they actually, he produced black 47 so that's why he was there watching them that night right weren't we there to see the black 47 we were totally there to see black 47 he knew they were the best uh vince kelso the dj at the time yeah very alternative he's like they're the best unsigned band in the world. The other reason Strummer was there was he was fronting the Pogues.

I mean, what? Oh, that's right. Yeah. Because Shane was in the hospital with alcohol. He caught a little alcoholism again. And so Strummer the next night was fronting the Pogues at the Beacon, which I was going to. Wow. That's awesome. It was really great. It was quite a week because also, what's the name of the band? The Bee Gees. No, Mick Jones Band. Oh, I'm spacing out. Big Audio Dynamite.

Big Audio Dynamite, same week, downtown New York in an industrial club played. And I saw Strummer there because he was in town and this, and so I, that's what we were talking. That's what we're talking about. Wow. Strummer went to see big audio dynamite. And then, um, this is, this is fun for anyone under 40 anyway. And then that's what Strummer and I were talking about that. I had seen him the night before and he was such, he was just so generous with his praise for Big Audio Dynamite. Yeah. Wow. They're fucking incredible band. Alana said, just letting you know that I think you're both very funny. You crossed the line in yesterday's podcast. Oh, where? When talking about the women, the woman who was able to hug her husband for the first time in

months these are the people who are suffering the most during the pandemic remember there was like a thing where you have to wear a space suit and then you can hug somebody who has corona it's absolutely tragic what is happening with the isolation of the elderly population. Well, if we crossed a line, I am so not sorry. This is the last place you can fucking speak freely. Stand-up comedy and podcasts. Alana, I appreciate your listenership, but if you're going to call us on crossing a line, you should be listening to Marc Maron talk about his cat.

us on crossing a line, you should be listening to Mark Maron talk about his cat. Alana, did you ever for a second think we were anti these people? Honestly? So they wore a body condom and I think she might have jerked him off. Do you think any of this was rooting against this poor old couple? Now, the coronavirus, when you put somebody in a spacesuit and they have the coronavirus, they die faster. Granted, they're hugging a loved one, but they're also inhaling their own dirty virus. And Alana, you don't think you can get over it when the husband who has dementia is so over it? He was over it five minutes later.

Didn't take it personally. Didn't really recall it. As a counterpoint, Seth Philbin wrote in and said, I rather enjoyed the discussion of frontal temporal dementia on last week's podcast. As it turns out, my father died of that exact disease two years ago at 57. He was foggy and off for years before anyone noticed anything serious. The first red flag was his speech. It was stunted, and he had trouble completing sentences or remembering names. By then, it was too late.

Sorry. These sounds I'm making, I just keep seeing the Twin Towers. Go ahead. Anyway, I love the show and hope to hear more jokes about dementia. Everyone I know is too scared to joke about it. Oh, you forgot to do them. A few months back, you guys had a headline related to Alzheimer's and you both riffed on it. The jokes were okay, but God damn, I was glad to hear them.

My father was a big fan of comedy and although he didn't know who the fuck you guys were, he'd appreciate the mediocre jokes all the same. Love you guys. Take it eesh. That's it. I mean, this is the... You want to find okay and mediocre jokes about dementia? That's right.

You don't go to Marin. This is where you come. When you want the middle, you fucking head halfway up to the top, and then you stop it at Sunday Papers. We got them. Lastly, I forget this last one let's do a bitch yeah we got to do obituaries this week holy shit and that's all folks okay hold on that's a section of a paper i see dead people. He died.

It should have been from embarrassment, but it was from lung cancer. Should have been from drugs. The Rush Limbaugh show, syndicated on hundreds of radio stations, was the top-rated U.S. radio talk show at one point. Limbaugh was widely listened to by the conservative radio audience, which named him the most trusted news personality in America in a 2008 poll. Trump, he loved Trump. And he was pro-America, pro-conservative. He delivered all his monologues with a smile, a biting joke, and a wacky sound effect. Yeah, what a fun guy.

He literally opened the door for Fox News, Breitbart, Newsmax. He was the guy that came up with the idea that, hey, we'll just make up horrible shit, be venomous, and try to create more conflict between both sides of the country. conflict between both sides of the country. The invention of snapping. I'm just reading some of these stats on his drug addiction while, you know, it's the hypocrisy which you find way, you find it on both sides. But the real criminal hypocrisy, like don't even get us started on jails contain more from the right or the left.

I mean, just look at this admin this past administration and i don't know how he escaped jail rush limbaugh well he basically was addicted after after coming down on minorities and poor people for having drug problems it turns out this guy was fucking inhaling uh prescription drugs that he didn't have prescriptions for. He had his undocumented maid picking up drugs for him while he was getting on the air every day, all doped up and going after the fucking week that we're taking drugs. In fairness, it's a little unfair for you to call her maid. That's not what he called her. He called her mule.

It was weird that he made her put the drugs up her ass. She wasn't crossing a border. It was unnecessary. She's crossing the living room. Yeah. It's so weird. Also, swallow this balloon full of powder. I'll get it on the other side while you do the windows? Yeah. By the way, I should say allegedly. I have to say allegedly because who knows? Who knows what the truth is?

I don't think we say allegedly when we talk about her jamming drugs up her ass and crossing the living room. I think that's even misleading. He came up with phrases like feminazi. He came up with phrases like feminazi. And he, by the way, was also a guy that poo-pooed lung cancer, who said cigarettes do not cause lung cancer and you won't die from them. And then he died of fucking lung cancer at 70. Good riddance. Called Fauci a conspiracy theorist.

Yeah. Called Fauci a conspiracy theorist. Yeah, he also told an African-American caller to, quote, take that bone out of your nose and call me back. He was like the biggest conspiracy theorist about Obama not being a U.S. citizen by birth. Hold on, hold on. Wait, can we go back to the bone in the nose? Yeah. Okay. It doesn't. Can he continue his call with the bone in his nose? Like, I understand. Take why don't you take that dick out of your mouth? I can't hear you like that. That tracks. Right, right, right. For something to be funny. It kind of has to track. But yeah, I hear this. And once I get over the initial gut punch of the severe racism, I'm like, wait, but that doesn't even make sense. Is that is the African-American talking through his nose is, oh, maybe the bone was hitting the microphone or the call of the phone.

Now, what it is, is when people are blowhards, people don't really do the math. They just like that they're being, maybe we're guilty of this too, is they're not being politically correct. So it's just funny that they're talking. It doesn't matter that it has, that the math computes and the joke. Yeah. I think when you're lazy and not funny, maybe that happens more. I don't know. But yeah, the Obama thing. He also did a thing where there was a law student, a woman named Sandra Fluke, who advocated before Congress for birth control to be covered by insurance. Limbaugh called her a slut and a prostitute for her public policy views. No. And a lot of women listen to him all the time. You know, his quote, feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women access to the mainstream of society. Yeah.

Yeah. I just want to read that one because sometimes, you know, he was on the right side of an issue. In fairness, Greg, we're doing a balanced obituary. Yes. God love him. God rest his soul. He's dead. We can't talk about him this way.

I know. We're going to get so many letters from people that were Rush Limbaugh fans. And I hope that, you know, I hope we haven't offended you in any way. He was up to 30 pills a day, according to the National Enquirer, which broke the story. And she would get the pills from a mom and pop pill mill that was busted earlier this year. Wow. And then he's busted. And there's drug trafficking involved.

Yep. And him being this illegal drug addict addict. And he took a five week leave from his radio program to enter rehab. And and blamed and blamed it on back pain. This is what I love. When rich people get hooked on drugs, they say it was back pain. Oh, I got back pain from playing golf. Poor people get hooked on drugs. Why? Because of cyclical racism and the inability to rise up out of the pot out of the fucking out of the ghetto you know isn't that also we didn't ask

you how you were exposed to them it's kind of like yeah i blame my alcoholism on um someone threw me a beer during a football game yeah it's like, we don't give a shit. Stop drinking. Hey, I need to cheer up, Mike. Hold on. I have a section just for that. It's the Sunday funnies. I've gotten a couple notes about Blondie. One guy, Charles McClellan, wants to tell me that the voice of Jane Jetson was famous for playing another cartoon icon. Penny Singleton also played the Jetsons' mom, Jane.

I guess it was a Blondie show. And then Stephen Blackwood says, in Family Circus, the blonde kid is Billy. The redheaded boy in the scribble scrabble strip is Jeffy. You keep insisting to Mike that he was Billy. By the way, the daughter's name is Dolly. You getting all this, Mike? Are you jotting this down? No, I'm confused.

I'm back on the Jane Jetson. I think you told us the voice of Jane Jetson also played Jane Jetson. Oh, also played Blondie. Ah, all right. No, I don't know what you just said. I don't care. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who cares? And then somebody else had a bunch of Stephen Blackwood. Oh, I guess also he was talking about Blondie debuted in 1930 and the cartoonist Chick Young had he he he um whatever he created blondie and originally she was this flapper which we've talked about and that dagwood was a fluffer dagwood was a uh son of a tycoon oh yeah oh yeah i remember last week she was hitting on him, flirting with Daddy. Yeah. Dagwood went on a hunger strike in order to marry Blondie in one of the early strips.

And Dagwood and Blondie scandalously slept in the same bed. This was like the first time a comic strip had depicted a married couple in the same bed back in 1934. Well, yeah. It's the first time they've depicted uh breasts like a shelf also jesus don't even get me started oh uh i don't have to i don't think all right jeez there's a lot of dagwood letters they also the strip caught flack for using a dirty word in 2004 with their relatively trivial subject, comic strips rarely have the potential to offend. A 2004 Blondie entry

proved to be an exception. In the strip, a character used the word scumbag to describe a baseball umpire. Mr. Young and his proofreader are apparently unaware

that scumbag is a euphemism for a used prophylactic. Right, but I've been through this with television censorship and you can make an argument for scumbag based on its origins and not its new euphemistic uses. Well, there was another. What was the origin of it? It's dirty. It's basically dirty as scumbag. I I'm trying to remember off the top of my head something about maybe it's on a hose and it takes, it filters out. I don't know. I just,

I should just say, I don't know, but there is a technical explanation. It's non-sexual. Uh, let's start off with our friend, Andyapp, America's favorite husband, or England's favorite husband. He saddled up at the bar. This guy's been married to Flo for how many fucking years? All she does is stand in the kitchen and make his dinner and then collect him at the bar, only to find he's saddled up next to this woman. And he says, so you're an actress, sweetheart. Tell Andy about all the theater and then the bartender goes flow entering stage right andy and she's walking

in with a scowl on her face like you motherfucker and then you're gonna have the guts to punch me in the face later after this am i just realizing he refers to himself in the third person, which I look how little he is, and tell Andy all about the theater. It's such a perverted stepdad line. Tell your new

daddy about the theater. Okay. It's such a Woody Allen line. Oh boy. Did we already talk about Woody Allen line. Oh, boy. Did we already talk about Woody Allen? All right, go ahead. The Lockhorns, Leroy is looking at a picture album and says to his wife, who he lives with and will be getting into bed with that night,

points to the picture and says, the camera always adds 10 pounds, so how many cameras did you use to take this picture? It's like Leroy can't help himself. He could think that joke, but why say it out loud? Yeah. And I've heard a lot of variations kind of on it. So when I was reading it, I was expecting,

the camera always adds 10 pounds. How many cameras did you eat? That's a better version. That's what we do here. So let's go down to Hager the Horrible. Boy, all Hager wants to do is eat, drink, steal. Oh, yeah, and rape. So they come into this castle and this woman's laying in bed. She's got hearts all over her fucking negligee. And she screams out,

this is a nightmare. And Hager's got a big smile on his face and he goes, relax. I've seen sillier pajamas. Wait, what did she yell? It's this is a nightmare. I think she screamed. This is a nightmare. Nightmare. No, that's how you spell it. Oh, that's the way I'm saying it. All right. Yeah. Sorry. Um, penchant to say nightmare. That's when we do the Sunday papers musical. Apparently Bert Kreischer also says Nightmare because that was pointed out to me and then a bunch of people jumped on it on the internet.

Right. Okay. We don't have to waste our time on this. It's two of the fucking kids. They have chairs and their toy cars are on a pool table and the little girl's just sitting there doing nothing

and the boy, the little shitty redhead, he is touching his car and he goes, I like this table because they built curbs for me to park at. That's it. So that's not even a placeholder. Like that's, you know, they say like, oh, there's not, no such thing as writing. There's only rewriting. Just get a shitty first draft out there that you'll, you'll, you know, that you'll keep, it doesn't count. Just, just get the ball rolling. Get it rolling. Send it to some friends. They'll give you some ideas on it. This isn't even the shittiest. Let me just put black marks on a piece of paper just so there's something there that I can, it's easier to start because I'm not starting

from just white paper. This isn't even worth calling black marks on a piece of paper. And then it would be so embarrassing if it were the first shitty draft. But you know what? That's what you set out to do, a first shitty draft. Now let's look at everything that's wrong with it, that it's wasting a reader's time, that it's wasting even the black mark ink. And let's do, you know, no, this gets sent in. Not only that, but I bet you Jeff Keen writes it, meaning he writes the blurb, the artwork he describes to an artist who now busts his balls. He doesn't know the punchline. He's just told, make a pool table, put Leroy and the redheaded girl and a couple cars.

I'll take it from there. So this guy spends fucking three days, because it's a pretty good picture. The pool table's nice. I like the coloring. The guy really understands how to use primary colors and their compliments. And cute sneakers, the whole thing.

And then he opens up the Sunday paper to see what old Jeff Keen did with it. He's got to blow a fucking gasket. This is the punchline to my art? And never mind. How about the stupid kid? You play with cars. What are you going to do?

Oh, I park them. You idiot. Yeah, yeah. You think hot cars? You know, hot cars just have the big wheel. You think they also add, oh, the hot cars parking lot. Definitely get your kid that because after it goes whoop-de-whoop on the wheel, where do you go from there?

I don't know. Let's up the fucking adrenaline and park the car. Stupid, stupid kids. Oh, the whole thing's disgusting it's oh uh you know what's disgusting is this motherfucker dagwood who is sitting in a in a fucking purple sweater on his chair what an idiot here's the thing about this couple you know the marriage is gone you know the marriage isn't going well because blondie's chair is faced directly away from him he's she's fucking done and so dummy says i can't believe you said that blondie says stop yelling at me and he goes i'm not yelling and she goes okay then I don't like your tone. And then he says, what tone would you prefer I use?

Blondie then looks away to her newspaper and goes, well, for starters, one that agrees with me. That's right, Dagwood. There's no other side. There's no Dagwood side. There's hot fucking vixen blondie side and you agreeing because somehow you trapped this woman into a fucking dead-end marriage and you should be thankful and supportive they're not great thoughts nobody said blondie's a genius but neither are you she that's that's a that's a that's a warning sign right there. I mean, that's trouble.

That's trouble and ruin. No, I'm noticing that in a lot of the more recent Blondie cartoons is like, they are laying the stage for a divorce. That would be interesting. Yes. That would make headlines. Yep. Yep.

I like it. She would do very well. Mike, we've done it. We've done another two hour podcast. Oh boy. Do we plan to do exactly two hours? Probably. Once I read that Texas article, I was like, give me two hours. We never plan it, but I never look at the time. And then all of a sudden I look down with a minute to go,

and we're at fucking two hours. Anyway. We get paid by the hour, so that's why we do it. Let's thank all of our sponsors. Starting next week, we've got a new sponsor coming on, audible.com. We'll talk about them. I love them. We're very happy to have them coming on.

Legitimately love them. Yeah, we both use it a lot. We want to thank, of course, Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops, who do an amazing job working on the show for us. And thank you guys. If you want to stay involved with the show, we're always looking for new logos to put up,

as well as songs. We asked that if you write a song, it can't be a cover. You're not going to believe this, but YouTube flagged one of our episodes, and we almost had to take it down because the song was a cover. It has to be original music. Which I'm going to argue. Yeah. Mike's going to write another one of his famous letters. It's clear First Amendment, unless they use the master recording, but clearly they changed the

lyrics, and I doubt they use the master recording so there is absolutely no leg to stand on claiming any sort of money for a parody that's not using the master recording. Cut to a week from now YouTube drops us entirely especially if the song hopefully they change the notes a little bit

but still if it's a full parody with new lyrics We also want to remind you all things get sent in to FitzDogRadio at gmail.com or go to FitzDog. Also, don't forget go to SundayPapers.net and you can see

a bunch of stuff from the show and you'll enjoy that. Until next time, thanks for listening. Oh boy, we're going out on a whimper. You want to tell a joke? Did you freeze? Did I tell last week the story when I watched, it's very short,

but when I watched the Tom Cruise movie when he was a sports agent? No, Jerry Maguire. Did I tell you this last week? No. They're such snowflakes. agent. Jerry Maguire. Did I, did I tell you this last week? There's such snowflakes. We should, we should check in on our snowflakes more because we have daughters and a son who grew up in on the West side of Los Angeles. Yeah. And we're New Yorkers and we just can't believe what snowflakes are, but also this whole generation. So anyway, the very,

very short story is we're watching Jerry Maguire and they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pause. He's getting fired for writing that letter. You can't fire him. I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

Girls, it's called the real world. And very often, you know, the squeaky wheel gets unwanted attention very, very often. Yeah. The squeaky wheel gets taken off the car. Like, that's what they've all been taught. Like, you absolutely write a disruptive letter that goes against your company if you think it's the right thing. Right, right, right. That's hilarious.

I thought that was really funny. Yeah. All right. All right. Thanks for listening. Still going out on a whimper. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish.

Hey, now, you don't have to read. Hey, now, just listen and see. Hey, now, it's time for us to go to the Sunday Paper Show.