Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 52 2/28/21

Episode Date: February 28, 2021

Thanks to our sponsor, Audible (http://audible.com/papers). Episode 52. Relax, America: Gaga got her kidnapped dogs back, no one was injured when a Florida man threw an alligator into a Wendy’s drive-through and, according to Gibbons, Woody did NOTHING wrong.

Greg yells, read all about it. Mics, eardrums are busted. Time to talk, jerking off, make old ladies disgust. Mrs. Fitzsimmons always listens and has left a cast. 1964, to a car in the ash. Read all about it! Do it! Read all about it!

Half of us have got it. Sunday Papers. You don't need to read it all week. You kick back, play with the kids, smoke some dope, and then on Sunday you catch up. Welcome to Sunday Papers. You don't need to read it all week. You kick back, play with the kids, smoke some dope, and then on Sunday you catch up. Welcome to Sunday Papers. My name is Greg Fitzsimmons. My sidekick is Mike Gibbons.

Hey, how are you? You were breaking up a little. I hope our connection's okay. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, gods. How is everybody? What a week.

Was it what a week? Isn't every week what a week? No, no. I put that in my script, so I had to read it. Sorry. No, was it a week? Yeah, was it a week? When was this week? Was it a week? I feel like Tiger Woods was a big story.

We'll hit that in sports. Maybe it's not for everybody, but I'm a big golf fan. You're not, right? That guy, other than being one of the richest, most successful sports figures of all time, the dude can't catch a break. No, he can't catch a break. He's had like five back surgeries in the last couple of years. And the worst part is, after his fall from from grace he came back and he won the 2019

masters it was fucking crazy nobody expected that he was like he was 44 years old and he won the goddamn masters these guys today rory mcelroy and uh uh beauchamp what's the what's the uh guy who hits it far these guys are hitting the ball further than anybody imagined a golf ball could be hit. And Tiger is up there with them at 44 years old. Yeah. Not anymore. His game could be over. Golf career could be over.

Oh, they're saying walking normally could be over. Oh, no shit. Really? Yeah, 100%. They brought up rehab like to get them and then i guess the doctor clarified that like like it was like to get them back to and the doctor was like no i'm not talking about getting them back to like the professional he didn't rule that out he was just saying i am commenting a human. I'm trying to get back to normal operating condition.

And he said it would take how long? A couple of lifetimes, I heard. No, no. He's had a couple of lifetimes. I don't know. I can't read a whole sports story. I just can't get through it. But, no, he will have to be in serious rehab to – does walk normally did you read what happened i don't

think people can walk and of course we're using the wrong word normally but you know what i mean as if nothing had happened as if he's not crippled yeah i think that's the pc way to say it um plus you know black guys have that certain gate there's There's that little half-step thing they do. I don't know if he's going to be able to do that anymore. It's so weird. I was watching what I said. I forgot where we are and who I'm partnered with here. You know, here's the crazy thing is it's just like his golf game.

He's been pushing everything right lately. I shouldn't have done it. It's too easy to do tiger jokes. Okay, what do you think happened? Well, there was no skid marks on the road. Right. There were some in his underwear after the wreck, but there was none on the road. So there was no signs that he had put the brakes on at all.

And now he's saying he has no memories of it. He doesn't remember crashing at all and now he's saying he has no memories of it he doesn't remember crashing at all so it was super early in the morning he was late golf he had golf with david spade the day before yeah he was doing a series of videos i think that could exhaust anybody i'm kidding i worked with spade i i love him. He was cuted to sleep. And so he's shooting these videos with these guys and he was about to go meet, I don't know if it was Phil Mickelson or somebody, and he was going to shoot. No, two NFL quarterbacks. Oh, that's right. Rogers and someone else.

Drew Brees. Drew Brees, I mean. Right. Yeah, no, Rogers was too busy playing golf with fucking Trump. So it is, I guess this is why his last name is Woods. I mean, I'd never thought, I guess it was kind of a foreshadowing. Are you forgetting to put in that he drove into a ravine in the woods? Yeah.

Right, okay. I thought people knew that. No, no, it's good. No, no, this is how we do it. We're going to do jokes in that order today. We're going to do the jokes first, then we're going to read the stories. Yes. Yeah, right.

You know, my friend, I had this friend growing up. The Backwards Podcast. Doug, I can't remember his last name, but we were both, I was a crazy reader growing up. From the time I could read, I was in my bed reading all the time and when we were in like fifth or sixth grade our teacher was fascinated by how much we read so she had a contest of if he and i could who could read more books during the school year and we literally it was like over a hundred i remember it was like over a hundred books during the school year yeah but you know they weren't fucking it wasn't War and Peace. It was like Encyclopedia Brown and Judy Blume and shit like that.

Steinbeck, back in school, Steinbeck became my favorite author because, like, The Pearl of Myson, they were really, Canary Row, they were very small books. I truly picked them based only on that. Oh, right. I mean, that's why people loved Hemingway. Well, not all Hemingway, but like Old Man and the Sea was super short. And of course, I never read Steinbeck's greatest works, Grapes of Wrath

or East of It, because they were too thick. No pictures. But anyway, the reason I bring it up is this guy used to read agatha christie that was his thing because she she had fucking she had dozens of books and but he would go to the end and he would read the ending first and then he would read the book interesting yeah yeah he would still read it he would still it, but he wanted to work backwards from how she was getting to the murderer. It's like telling Agatha Christie, like, no, no, you got this all wrong.

You tell stories completely backwards, you dumb witch. Right. Well, I guess there's some movies that have been done that way, you know, where they show you the ending and then it's always like seven days earlier and they show you that. Yes, but you're still guessing how it got there. And then often you're like, oh my God, I forgot they already showed us this part. Right, right. All right. So let's chat.

We usually chat before we get to the news. We kind of jumped right in. How are you? Oh, I thought that was our chat. I'm good. I'm good. Things are, I don't know why I'm in a good mood. Yeah, you are in a good mood today. I'm trying to keep it light. I started exercising a little. I think that feels good. When's the last time you had intercourse? Ooh, This morning.

Nice. No, no, no, no. I didn't. I joke. Come on. I thought it was funny that I'd struggle to remember. And then it was this morning with myself. No, come on.

Come on. By the way, I showed you on the beach. Should I tell them about the funny? And I did a screen grab of the of the porn uh video clip that i found remember i showed you no i didn't see that what was it and basically this falls under the banner of just when you think you've gotten to the end of the internet this is the exact title of a porn clip which can be found on like basically all the porn sites. It's perfect. Here it is.

Pussy cured my stepson's autism. Oh, right. Which, okay. The detail of stepson. First of all, such a caring mom. It's really not her problem. No. They weren't her genes.

Right. She didn't get him vaccinated. Yeah. She adopted, she came, she inherited this problem by joining this family. I know. You read about these mothers that get involved, like that Susan Sarandon movie, Lorenzo's Oil, where she becomes really well-versed in medicine so she can help cure her son's, I think he was autistic.

No, he had some kind of degenerative disease and she cured it. It's based on a true story. I think this clip used some of Lorenzo's Oil. Go ahead. Yeah, but to actually, so is the idea that she got him laid or that she had sex with him? No, she, I then researched it. She had sex with him. Nice.

Her stepson. Yeah, of course. I never got into the stepmom porn. Is that something that you enjoy? It's, well, I had a stepmom, so it really blurs the thing but um this is some other comedians more than one comedian has brought it up and it really resonated huge laughs and it wasn't even like a joke it's like since when did the porn companies all decide that we're turned on by incest. Yeah. Because every clip and I'm like, wait a minute, did I one time click on one that had a step or,

or a mom or something like that? Or did I, and, and now it's feed, the algorithms feeding me that. So no, I went on then sites I had never gone on before. I honestly did this and they're all there. It has nothing to do with what you've looked at history. Right. And they, and they just take, by the way, they're just, they're just taking any clips they have. So the clip exists twice, like on a porn site, like, you know, you porn say it existed. It's an original thing. And then now they've changed the woman to a step-mom and the's there again under new incest titles.

That's crazy. I know, and it's like at some point, did my phone overhear me say Asian women's feet? Because they just keep showing me more and more pairs of little Japanese, little cute, hot Japanese feet with the rounded toes and the way there's that symmetry. And they're elegant and yet strong. We're getting to Woody Allen a little later.

Okay, here we go. We'll get to that later. Holy hell. Let's talk about – should we talk about vaccinations? That was the big topic among our friends this week. I don't know. I don't really want to. Well, there was a code given out.

We were all on the beach. Was it Monday we all went to the beach? This is not sounding good at all. Shouldn't we be working Monday? No, we were preparing for Sunday paper. We take the day after Sunday off, and then we begin our work on Sunday papers on Tuesday morning early. We're a Tuesday through Saturday crew. on Sunday Papers on Tuesday morning early.

We're a Tuesday through Saturday crew. And so somebody got a hold of a voucher to get shots, to get vaccinated. And everybody immediately on their phones tried to get appointments. And everybody got appointments except one of us. It was too late. And you went and you got vaccinated. I was going to ask you not to say that, but okay.

Why not? I mean, look, Dennis Gubbins, who got it as well. He hates when we say his name. I won a bunch of money off him on the golf course yesterday. He got it and he kind of like really shamed me that i ended up pussing out and not doing it my wife gave me a very hard time about that that we shouldn't be getting them and we should only be leaving them for poor people but poor people oh god Oh, God. No, I don't know.

How do you feel about it? No, no. I'm dying to hear what the guy who was beach Monday golf yesterday has to say about poor people. Okay, here's my rationalization. Okay. Are you ready? And I want to say in advance, it doesn't hold water. But here it is. We immediately got the code.

We went frantic, right? Because we didn't know anything about it. Yeah. And so we got the code. And I got an appointment to get the vaccine. And it was like the next day, I think. It was the next day. It was the next day.

And so then we're like, this is too good to be true. Even though we still thought we'd be turned away and that, and maybe the code's bogus. I had the dumb joke that I'm going to go down to like Los Angeles college or wherever it was on this campus. I'm going to follow the signs to vaccine, vaccine, vaccine. And it's all, it's in the gymnasium and I'm going to walk in the gymnasium and there's

going to be a big poster of the black guy with the giant dick. And I'll be like, yeah, you got me. You know, I wouldn't have even been mad. I'm like, you know what? That was a long way to go, but I have to say worth it. I'm worth it. Didn't you tell your friend that? And she said, no, it's going to actually be the black guy sitting on the stage. She goes, he'll be sitting there in the chair at exactly that pose. That would be the greatest thing ever. Better than the shot. So we then, like, it's too good to be true. And then all of a sudden, words started spreading that codes were being shared.

Exactly what happened to us. Codes were being shared and that their purpose was to target the poorer areas and demographics who were losing out as, as is a big story in this country to the better off people who are finding ways to get vaccinated. Right. So I immediately then paused and struggled with it. And then I canceled and cause you could go back to the email and, and there was a like cancel or if you can make it so i officially so i officially canceled so you created a spot for a poor person in in place of you to get the appointment well what we did know was that like for instance that last guy who tried

he got shut out well later appointments would come back available like in other words it basically it would show you days of the week. And it was like, you know, sort of bolded the date if there were like appointments available on that day. And if they were all not bolded or whatever highlighted, then there were no appointments. And then days would pop back up, you know, with like, oh, there's an 1145. So I do believe that I put my thing back in the system. I don't know that for a fact. But that's what I'd like to believe also. No, that's exactly what happens.

So you ended up showing up and getting a surplus shot. That's essentially what happens is they, you know, they can't, these frozen ones, I don't know if it's Moderna or Pfizer, but one of them is kept at 50 below zero or whatever. And then if they don't use it up, it's ruined that day. So they want to give it all out. And a lot of people don't show up because they're poor. And a lot of them don't have cars and they're relying on public transportation or childcare issues come up. So a lot of times they don't make the appointments. Golf, beach, fucking we're the worst people. So wait, a little more explanation or rationalization

slash justification. So then one of us went down there, I think had also canceled and goes, there is no indication here. Like I went down like eyes wide open. First of all, you thought a news crew was going to run up to him. Like, look at the white guy in the nice car showing, you know, and he goes, there was no indication. Very important to point this out for me to sleep at night. It's very important for me to point this out. I didn't lie at all. Put my age, put that I'm white. I answered every question, put where my zip code, where I lived, put what I do for a living. Totally like you were totally expecting to be rejected just based on the data.

Yeah. If this is targeting other people, like then it should have rejected me. And some people were getting rejected. So younger people, especially like thirties, I think we're getting rejected. So anyway, uh, when I went down there, I then decided to go down there because the other guy went down there and gave us that report. When I went down there, I crept up also and was like, I will turn the FRA. If there's any indication that that's what's going on.

So I went up again, didn't lie, told the guy, hey, listen, I don't know if, like, I gave it to him and he couldn't find it. I'm like, you know, I canceled it, actually. He's like, hold on. And then he manually put in the number. This is the most, you didn't go down there did you now it it's the national guard it's gigantic the amount of cones you drive like no joke three quarters of a mile or more to get finally through cones to the tent and it's it looks like out of uh out of a movie like pandemic it looks like out of a, out of a movie like pandemic, it looks like this is exactly what the movie scene would look like. My friend went and said, national guard, army,

state police, local police, fucking Homeland security. Like they were all there. Yeah. FEMA, I think for sure. So I show him it. I even say that he puts in the code manually and I mean, no one was there. And it was kind of like, he like tapped the car. He's like, you're good. And he writes on your windshield. And meanwhile he wrote on the windshield. I'm like, Oh, this is, this is the code that arrest this guy. Right. And he's just sent me forward and like, no buddy was there.

Yeah. I wonder if that mark on the windshield is like the new I voted sticker. It's like another way of sort of like demonstrating to people that you're a good person. Other countries are, by the way, doing the official, I forget what it is, to indicate you're a vaccinated person.

Oh, no kidding. Really? And I'm sure businesses, if you ran a bar and you could fill it with vaccinated people versus unvaccinated. Yeah, that would be a hot spot. That shit would- It's kind of like we're a non-smoking restaurant. Dude, people are so horny right now and they're afraid of dating apps and stuff like that.

If they knew they could go in there and the bartenders got the shot, the waitresses have the shot, they take your temperature on the way in, that would be huge. Well, it's kind of like an STD. It's kind of like dating with like an STD test or whatever that it's like a blood panel. Like, look here, all of them listed. I got zeros on all of them. It's the same thing with the vaccination. Right, right. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, I watched something that made me think of you it was um oh it's kind of my new favorite show just a little chat but i'll tell you man when you don't know what to watch which is constant right and you turn it on and you're like oh and then you're like oh do i want to start that you're like i just want a one-off i'm telling you uh on hbo uh high maintenance which you know was a web series first it's about the pot delivery guy in new york okay you've never seen it no it's good dude it's so first of all artists are making this thing like real like there's just beauty shots of bike riding through Manhattan, New York, which is amazing. And then stories. Sometimes a pot dealer is at the very end. Like it's it's about it's short stories. That's all right.

It is. It's short stories about like, you know, just immigrants struggling in this thing. Rich people who are swingers anyway in this one. It was all about girls getting ready. Had nothing to do with pot. All about girls getting ready. It had nothing to do with pot. All about girls getting ready. Are you wearing those shoes or shoes? And then they go to this club, and it turns out they're working at the club, and the club in Manhattan is about people who want to go and worship feet. No.

It's like a strip club, but the only thing that's being stripped are the feet. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Yep. Thought of you, you freak. Quick shout out to our logo designer this week, Bull Roar MMA Podcast. Check out their podcast. Look at the Esquire.

It's really cool. They were adding, it says Greg Fitzsimmons Esquire, Mike Gibbons Esquire, because we'll talk about that in the letters later. The song from a guy named Tom Converse, who sent me a note. He's a big fan of the show. I do cameos. By the way, if you ever want a message from me to your friend, birthday, wish, whatever, go to Cameo, and you can order one. He ordered one for his friend.

He also bought tickets to my show in Philly. And he bought my, I forget, T-shirt, something. Can I pay for you to do a Cameo to me saying, no matter what anyone says, it's okay, I got the vaccine? Yes. Yes. So you will lie to people? That's official on your Cameo? Yeah, I hung you out to dry on that one, Mike, and I feel bad.

I didn't think we were bringing it up, but you know what? I'm going to own it, and I do feel bad about it. Look, we got to get the shots in the arms. At the end of the day, they got to get this fucking stuff moving. Look, you're 53 years old. You should be getting a shot. No, but we need people to get shot. We need people to get out there and get shots.

How many people do you think are just going to refuse until there's more vetting and they think it's safer? I think it's going to be around 70%. 70% will get it. I think 30% will dig in against it. But that number will probably go down as they see that it's not killing people. It's not making you grow horns it's not letting fucking bill uh what's his name track your movements they put a chip in your arm yeah you didn't hear about that they thought bill gates was putting a chip in your arm with it hey by the way i did think oh wow i'm gonna get infected so i pull up the medic is there he's an an army medic. He has gloves

on. He has his medic bag and he has the, uh, and he, and he's working alone, this guy. And he, you know, there's tons of people there, but once you get to that medic guy, he then reaches on my disgusting windshield because what they've done is that the station before him has put your little card underneath your wiper blade. Yeah. Like a, like a, like a carwash. He then makes an effort trying to dig the card out from my disgusting

windshield and my, and my wiper blade. And I, by the way, I've not had my car cleaned once since the pandemic began and he, he pulls it out and I'm like, all right, well I now have to wait for him to change his glove.

Nope. Takes the card, then immediately tells me to roll up my sleeve, and then puts a Band-Aid half on, uses a sweat. Anyway, with the glove. No shit. Really? That has visible dirt all over it. Wow.

Unbelievable. Does that help? Anything to help my guilt? No, you're stopping poor people from getting infected from the Army. Let's do some corrections. You got a paper there, Mike? Let's do some corrections.

Are you kidding me? As you know, Sunday paper is always verified, always open to being corrected. Felicia L. says, Mike misquoted and said it was a different person. For clarification, the quote is, I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction. Clarence Darrow, what did you say? I didn't. I know my stupid misquotes.

It might have been you. I don't remember saying anything like that. I would love to quote Clarence Darrow. I love the quote, so let it stand. Yeah, let it stand. Douglas Hoffman, and this is what led to our logo for this week. Oh. Douglas Hoffman, ESQ, who we gave shit for pretentiously putting that after his name in his email.

After hearing you and my crack on how pretentious it is to add ESQ to an e-signature, I had to seek the last word. But Mike adding the Jewish lawyer tag at the end of my correction bit sealed the deal. This Hoffman is not Jewish. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but Lutheran. Didn't the fact that my initial correction was to point out the New Testament offer a hint? Wait, isn't the New Testament Jewish? No, the Old Testament is Jewish. The Torah is the first eight books of the Old Testament.

No, you're right. It's the Old Testament. No, you're right. It's the Old Testament. I like to think Jews read the New Testament as sort of like, you know, a remake of a classic movie. You know, like when Steve Martin redid that Peter Sellers movie, The Pink Panther. You kind of watch it going like,

eh, this will be cute. I'll check it out. Hoffman, though, I don't run into many non-Jewish Hoffmans. Hoffman. No. Well, you know, I would imagine he's probably German. He said Douglas was his first name because I remember you forwarded me this letter. And, yeah, I guess Douglas.

I guess there's no Jewish Douglas's. Is that right? I don't know. The Germans are funny like that because I think the Jews. The Germans are funny. Well, the Jews. I'm reading a book right now about the history of the Billbergs who were one of the Jewish banking dynasties. And they say that the Jews, their names were taken away,

and they were forced to take whatever they did for a living. And that's why you hear so many times, like, Goldman or Silverman, like they worked in whatever. So Hoffman, Hoff must be German for something that they did so you would think it was Jewish because anything with a man in it right all right good little history all right Sam said Greg referred to the Shining Hotel in Portland I'm pretty sure you were thinking of the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado which inspired the setting of Stephen King's novel, Taganish. Well, I looked it up.

And in fact, and this is what I assumed it was, that the inspiration for The Shining was taken from the Stanley Hotel, but that the exteriors were of the one that you and I both drove to separately in Mount Hood, which is not that far. It's east of Portland about an hour, southeast of Portland about an hour. And it's fucking beautiful. And you can go inside. It's this incredible castle, castle-like hotel. It's amazing. And, yeah, and it has those snow drifts out in front.

And they've actually built a tunnel, like a—and I don't know if it's up during the summer, but it's like this plastic tube that goes to the front door now because of the snow drifts. And I don't believe he shot there though at all. I think he had it entirely replicated on those famous stages in England. replicated on those famous stages in England. Yeah, I think they shot a little bit there, but mostly in England. And then at one point, that set burned down. Ooh. Yeah.

Everybody, though, shows up to that hotel and is like, where's the maze? Where's the maze? Where's the maze? Right. And the hotel's in the middle of a ski mountain. It's this really unique thing where you can either ski down first thing or take a lift up. Yeah. It's pretty cool. That part of the country is incredible.

If you ever get a chance to rent a car from Portland and just head east and go down the Columbia River Gulch, you can go horseback riding in the hills you can go whitewater rafting i think it's gorge right what did i say it's all right never mind we'll get a correction anyway um it's also the um windsurfing capital of uh of uh the united states there's for some reason the winds come in at a certain way there. And there's, you can sit there and watch these people, fucking hundred of them out there windsurfing. And then there's this old hotel. I forget the name of the town, but there's this old hotel you can stay in that's like

200 years old. That's completely restored. Red roof? Maybe. And then I thought it was a Columbia Gorge that was the opening credits, the drive, which was this, you know, the haunting Stanley Kubrick open with that music. But I think that might have been in Montana at Glacier National Park. Yes, that's exactly right. It is.

Malaysia National Park. Yes, that's exactly right. It is. So it was kind of all, it was really definitely a patchwork of influences for Kubrick. All right. All right, I got some tour dates coming up, people. Once this virus dies down,

I think on March 24th, the virus goes away. March 25th, I'll be in Raleigh, North Carolina for two nights playing Good Nights. Philadelphia, April 22nd through the 24th at Helium. San Francisco Punchline, April 29th through May 1st. Some of these dates are not on their websites yet because they're in a holding pattern. They may not even be open right now, these clubs, but these are all written in pen as of now. Yeah, they're in a document.

Can't erase it now. We also, very exciting, we've got a sponsor that we're really excited about, audible.com. Love them. I mean, truly, this is a sponsor I can get excited about because I've had Audible for, I want to say, 12 years. Yeah, can we get, oh, I guess, hopefully they'll pay us for the ad. But I was wondering, can I get a free service? I've had them for years. It is the best service.

And you get one a month. So I've got about over 100 audio books on my phone. And I go back to them one of them is the the book of joy which is the dalai lama and desmond tutu having a discussion about spirituality it's amazing and my list is so all over the place it's pretty funny wait i'll open it go ahead and then there's uh eckhart tolle uh i have two books by eckhart tolle thatates. And I mean, you want to lay down in bed and like gently drift to sleep, feeling like your spirit is becoming attuned to something higher. It's amazing. I listen to it going to bed every night. I put on my headphones and for an hour or until my, it's got, the app is great because you can set it for 45 minutes, set it for an hour, and then it goes off so you don't lose your place. They're the leading provider of spoken word entertainment. Everything, bestsellers, new releases, celebrity memoirs, a lot of

inspirational stuff. So they also have thousands of popular podcasts. You can get your podcasts on there. I think we're on. Okay, here, you ready? Are we on Audible? I've got to find out if we're on Audible. Here's a little list. I'll read you. It's pretty funny.

Okay. The top one is West Cork. You ever listen to that podcast? Oh, it's great. And you can only get that podcast on Audible. It's a true crime podcast that took place in Ireland, and it's fascinating. audible it's a true crime podcast that took place in ireland and it's fascinating underneath it is a book i listen to called addiction procrastination and oh shit now it's playing hold on a minute uh anyway the next one after that is anti-procrastination habits

the one after that is i know what to do so why don't i do it and how far into each of them have you listened that one not too far then there's born to run by bruce springsteen oh my review of that my review of that is 21 hours of a star complaining about his dad then i have the sellout i have the daily show what i what i love the most about them though is when the author reads for instance i have sarah silverman's on when the author reads them i have david spade's book on here how about norm mcdonald's yes i mean my second favorite comedian reading this book number one coming in at number one dear mrs fitzsimmons read by your co-host greg fitzsimmons how about that i'll get that so anyway i've never listened to it i read it i'll listen to it so listen uh you get full access to the

popular plus catalog guided fitness and meditation sleep tracks for better rest and podcasts uh ad free versions of your favorite shows and exclusive series all are included with your membership so you can download and stream all you want no credits needed i guess that's the plus membership all in one app and uh what else you can download titles. There's an offline devices. Your credits don't go away. You keep your credits for a year, which is plenty of time. I go through exactly a book a month, so it's kind of perfect. Well, here's the good news, too. I don't know if you said this.

I was reading my library as you were talking, but you also, it's not one of those things like CD of the month club or whatever. If you don't download one that you get a credit. Yeah. So you, you, it doesn't go away. So like I've accumulated credits when I haven't like, you know,

downloaded a book in a while or bought one. There's thousands of titles. They said, if you were to listen to every one, you're ready for this nonstop, it would take you three centuries. So look, it's a,

you know, you listen while you're cooking while you're exercising you're on a walk you know whatever so visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash 500 videos uh our video will include uh theudible URL. You can go to it. Again, it's audible.com slash P-A-P-E-R-S or text PAPERS500-500. Support this podcast. Support the podcast by supporting this sponsor. They're new, so jump on it. Try it out for 30 days. If you don't like it, you walk away.

No harm, no foul. Give it a shot. Okay. Mike, let's go to the front page. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Oh, geez.

Okay. Lead story this week. Great lead story. This is the best. I've been, the nation has been on edge. The night, the nightmare is over.

Lady Gaga's stolen dogs, Koji and Gustav were returned in, were returned unharmed Friday night. The Los Angeles police department has said the French Bulldogs were taken in a violent robbery in Hollywood in which the singer's 30-year-old dog walker was shot and the French Bulldogs were taken. On Friday, Gaga repeated that she was offering a half a million dollar reward for the safe return of the dogs, quote, no questions asked. And I'm assuming that includes the question, who shot my dog Walker?

That would be one. I would say that should be a question you ask. That should come up. My heart is sick and I am praying my family will be whole again with an act of kindness, she said on Instagram. But everyone. By the way, DM me if you know a good dog walker who's not a pussy. By the way, so I went, the police released the video because they're still looking for these guys. Yeah.

And or girls, actually, I think they're guys from you could kind of tell in the video because they're still looking for these guys. Yeah. And, or girls, actually. I think they're guys from, you could kind of tell in the video. It is super violent. And they shoot him. And then the dog walker is screaming out, help. After they, he put up quite a fight. Then they shot him and he goes, I've been shot. Help, help.

They peel off. Literally, the tires screech. And he's like, I've been shot in the chest. And he goes, I'm bleeding out. He screamed that. The only reason I'm chuckling is, first of all, it's funny to hear someone say that. But also, he is going to have a full recovery. He's in Cedars-Sinai.

And he's going to have a full recovery. He's in Cedars-Sinai and he is going to he's going to have a full recovery. So he's no longer in jeopardy. Unbelievable. And talk about the perfect use for bitcoins. This is what bitcoins were invented for. Untraceable. Send it to this account and you don't have to like meet up and give them the dogs. You just fucking drop the dogs in a neighborhood.

You get your bitcoins and they'll find the dogs. They'll put up some fucking posters, find the dog. Somebody will give them a half million. But, but, and then you got to call. If you get the guy, put the dog on the phone. I want to make sure you really got him. Make him bark. How do I know that's really him?

I could send you a p i could send you one of his paws how about just some hair yeah right well i don't know his his dog tag is made of gold and diamonds uh is that him could that be yours lady gaga are you sure it's Gustav? He has a Fu Manchu. Does the one you have have a Fu Manchu mustache? Yeah, what's with having French dogs, Nate, with a Japanese and a German name? Koji and Gustav. They sound like the leaders of some Banana Republic nation. Well, their mom's name is Gaga, Greg.

So let's start there. Dude, did I ever tell you about the first time I took mescaline? I was, I remember it was my 15th birthday and my friends had all been doing acid from the ages of like 13 and 14. And I was the guy who held out. I was the nerd. I was the square who wouldn't take mescaline until he was 15 years old. So I take hit and me and this girl eileen timmings we go to this house i'm not making this up we had a house five doors down from me that was tiny tim's castle he built a oh wait yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and so were you kicked out we well we always wanted to go there and for some the people that live, we were friends with this guy and his name

was Locke and his brother's name was Hamish and his sister's name was Lala. And they were, McAllister. So what's that, Scottish or something? Sure. So they live in a castle. It's Jewish, like Hoffman. Sorry, go ahead. Right.

So Lachlan, Hamish and Lala live in a castle. That's how the story should have started. And they would never let us in. It was like a weird, magical, haunted place. And then one day, Lachlan's parents were away, and he goes, okay, you guys can all come over. And word spreads, and like 30 fucking teenagers show up at the castle. And me and Eileen Timmings were like, we're taking mescaline for this. We're going to wander the castle.

We're going to go up in the turret turret or whatever it's called, the towers. And so we go in and Locke ushers us down a hallway into one fucking room, one shitty room with old furniture. And he puts on the TV and we're watching MTV music videos. And we're kind of going like, hey, what about the castle part? Can we check out the castle? And so me and Eileen are're kind of going like hey what about the castle park can we can we check out the game and so we're we're me and eileen are already kind of laughing and then his dog comes in little dog little fucking scottish terrier and i go hey hey lock what's your dog's name

and he goes fred and that was it that was it. That was it. That's all you need. We fucking doubled over. Crap. We could not stop laughing that their dog's name was Fred. And we got thrown out. Everybody got thrown out because of me and Eileen Timmings. Musculine trips. There's always some sort of flying the ointment at some point. Oh, dude, that stuff makes you laugh.

you know, flying the ointment at some point. Oh dude, that stuff makes you laugh. Um, the Gaga thing, just whatever stupid joke. But when I was,

uh, doing the Alec Baldwin roast, Sean Hayes was the MC kind of, he was like the host and, uh, lady Gaga did something, um, honoring Tony Bennett or whatever. And it was a short clip and she was filming it in the roast because Alec Baldwin is such

whatever, a huge friend of Tony Bennett. So anyway, we put like a funny joke and they're saying she really doesn't want to be funny. We're like, OK, but this is the roast. How about something really benign? Just a little attempted humor at the end. And she just kept saying, no, no, no. And it was really she then anyway the tape came she went long listen it's a very cool thing she did don't get me wrong but she kind of then

went long and incredibly unfunny and it was really out of place so anyway i go up to sean hayes in the wings and uh because he's gonna say thank you lady gog after this and i gave him a line so anyway her heartfelt thing which isn't funny, plays. It ends, and then Sean Hayes goes, well, no one ever called her Lady Ha-Ha. Which killed because, not because it's so funny, because everyone was thinking the same thing. Like, not even a little attempt at levity on the way out or something.

That's great. Her and the Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett thing, enough. Enough. We get it. You respect the guy who did the classics, the standards. Got it. And Amy Winehouse beat you to it. Right.

The whole celebrity duo phenomenon that started about 15 years ago. The first who's the first one to do it? Sinatra had an album duet. Oh, right. That's right. But he wasn't in the room with them. Then what's her name? Did one with her dead dad. Oh, right. Unforgettable. Unforgettable. Natalieforgettable. Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole. And then, you know who did it also? It was a little creepy to me. Yeah, it was creepy. Also, Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach did one that was actually very good.

They did that album. But that's the kind of thing, you know, Elvis Costello's father was a, was a, not a big band, but like a, like a guy like Burt Bacharach. He was a guy who sang the standards

and he was a, he was a nightclub singer for, for, I don't know if he was a singer or he played an instrument, but he was, that,

that's how he grew up. Yeah. I mean, I was a huge Elvis Costello fan, but then he became like the ambassador of music for a while. Like kind of the Burt Bacharach thing. Like he was the spokesman. He was the talk. I feel a little, God, this is not going to go over well. I feel a little the same. I'm kind of sick

of Dave Grohl. There, I said it. Wow. It's like just say no to one or two things. Just try it. Try it. Yeah, I can't go with you on that. I think Dave Grohl is the spirit of rock and roll, and I think that he – rock and roll is in danger. You know, it's like how many new rock bands have come out that have made a difference?

I mean, you look at the charts. They're just not on there. It's cyclical. Listen, no one's keeping it down. Whatever sells, those whores will promote. He's a rock and roll warrior. Did you see that series he did on HBO where he went to different cities

and he gave you the history of rock of their food? In Philadelphia. Oh, the rock. No, of Philadelphia and Detroit. And he showed you the original record stores and where he played when he first. I mean, it was fucking amazing. I learned so much.

That sounds good to me. I learned so much about different cities, local rock scenes. All right. Oh, Sonic Highways, it was called. And he goes to D.C. and Bad Brains were out of D.C. And they had this great old footage. Anyway, okay, what else do we have? A soldier indicted on federal charges of conspiring with neo-Nazis

to ambush his own unit wants his case dismissed because, ready for this, the grand jury didn't include enough black and hispanic members private ethan melter's attorneys say the lack of diversity in the in the jury pool violated their client's right to an impartial jury and due process so um i don't know it sounds to me like neo-nazis need the right to better qualified lawyers so the jury pool was not diverse enough for this neo-nazi right who tried to kill people in his own unit which by the way they they might have got a little held up when they and when they asked the jury pool is there anything about this case that you might have prior prejudice towards?

And then you get dismissed. Yeah. I think when I'm fucking black and the guy's got a shaved head, I'm out. I get this week off. Yeah. During the jury pool selection or the lawyers, you know, can vet them and ask questions. And then I forget the number, but they can dismiss up to a certain number like no way. Yeah. So I'm sure it's like, yeah, I'm going to dismiss the gypsy,

the two homosexuals, the whole Jewish row, that whole Jewish row, all the Hoffmans. They're out of there. Right. And that guy, did you have a limp? Does that guy have a limp? Limp the fuck out of the jury pool, pal. Yeah, I don't know. It seems like he'd want that. That's very Neo. That's real, all caps Neo.

Yeah, what is the difference between a Nazi and a Neo-Nazi? Doesn't that make them seem cooler than they really are? neo-nazi doesn't that make them seem cooler than they really are i think it's a failed experiment like new coke i think it's like gimmicky yeah but it's the same shit the old coke was great what do you improve on right right we all knew it it was a brand you guys worked hard to make a brand and you got things done you You got a lot done. That's right. Coke was in every fucking soda gun in the country, every soda machine. I mean, you had to exceed your goal. I mean, clearly you exceeded your goals. You never thought you'd go that far. But like Neo, it doesn't specifically mean new.

There's a nuance to Neo. There's a nuance to Neo. There's a nuance to Neo. There's a nuance to Neo. Hmm. Like Neo Classic or Neo... There's postmodern, there's Neo modern. Yeah, it's developed.

Yeah. Our producer, Chris Denman, who's been busily typing away on our fucking Google Doc all morning, just wrote neo soul. The fuck does that mean? Well, he's trying not to write neo MAGA, which is what's happening right now. He started really coming alive when we started talking about neo Nazis. Did you notice that? I did know all of a sudden.

Yeah, he got off his other three podcasts that he's listening to. Yeah. On the dark podcast web. web yeah he's got uh oh i don't want to mention there's a comedian who went fucking huge way alt right a little nutso and i mentioned his name on a podcast and this guy attacked me and his followers attacked me you got to be careful with some of these guys. It's just not worth it. Not worth mentioning their names. He's Neo-Alt-Right.

They're dangerous. Yeah. All right. We can skip this story. I thought it was funny, though. There's not much to it. A California doctor, he was performing surgery. He's a plastic surgeon during his Zoom traffic court trial.

But I don't really even have any jokes on it was just so funny to me well how am i the judge is like how am i expected to believe that you stopped at a red light when you don't stop for surgery you seem like you seem like a guy who doesn't like to stop his momentum also during it maybe he like tilted he's like your honor he tilted down he's like look at this You seem like a guy who doesn't like to stop his momentum. Also, during it, maybe he tilted. He's like, you're on, or he tilted down. He's like, look at this nose. They're passed out. There's no fixing this nose anyway.

Just trust me. I'm just going through the motions on this. All right, I think it brings us to Florida, man. It's time for Florida, man. Everybody's new favorite part. And we should give a shout out, by the way, to the Florida Man website, which is a, you can go back to the history of Florida Man. Always great. Now, someone emailed this to us.

Yes, this came from a, which by the way, we do not solicit news stories from listeners. I appreciate the effort, but a lot of times they come in and they're from three years ago or they're from some fucking some weird Web site that you can't really. So thanks. But no, thanks. I think this week we're going to have a bunch of stories about white douchebags getting the vaccination. Anyway, Florida man arrested for reportedly tossing a gator into a Wendy's. By the way, can we officially say that Wendy's is a subcategory of Florida man? It's always in a Wendy's. They're like the buns, man.

Is Wendy's the one with the square burgers i know i know white they got the square burgers and they got the frosties which is which is a shake that you literally have to wait 90 minutes until it's smooth enough where you can actually drink it it's a block of chocolate ice i wonder why hamburgers are around. Is it just because you're smushing a ball? Sandwiches were square. I imagine sandwiches were around before burgers. I bet you the first burgers were square, like Popeye's burgers. Remember there was the guy who would always say,

I'll gladly pay you Wednesday. Those did look square. Those were square, the Popeye hamburgers. Huh. Yeah. I think it's just simply because it's a meatball being pressed down. You can't press it any other way but round, circular. All right.

Officials of Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said that a Jupiter, Florida man pulled up for his order at a Wendy's drive-thru, and after a server handed a drink, he turned around and tossed a three-and-a-half-foot caterer into the drive-thru window. What a tip. Dude, that is a fucking TikTok video. I hope somebody was filming that. Why do it unless you're filming, or I guess he trusts that the security footage will get it? Yeah, because that's a big thing with TikTok, why do it unless you're filming where I guess he trusts that the security footage will get it.

Yeah. Cause that's a big thing with Tik TOK is people, um, fucking with drive through people. You know, it's like sometimes they, sometimes they throw something at them. Three and a half feet, by the way, like two and a half feet could sound big, but that probably still a small gator because of the long tail. You know what I mean? Yeah. Three and a half feet is over a yardstick, dude. That's a significant animal you're throwing through that window. Oh, yeah. That's enough to bite you. Two and a half feet is scared of you.

Three and a half feet, they start to assume alpha status. Went right for the fries. Yeah. That's good. Well, that's a good fly. I mean i like it that's gotta be trend if you work at a wendy's in florida just get by get a body cam because shit's gonna happen that you can put on tiktok if you live in florida get a body cam yeah right uh mike did you want to do the horoscopes? Somebody suggested last week we do horoscopes. And we're born, is it six days apart? How many days apart? I'm April 5th. You're the 11th. I nailed it. Six days. I think we should keep the tradition alive, by the way,

where you completely ignore my birthday and then I always call you on yours. That's a fun tradition. Another way to look at it is I'm 359 days early wishing you happy birthday where you wait until the last minute. I always call you to say happy birthday, and then you go, oh, yeah, happy birthday to you, too. I don't take birthdays seriously, but, boy, do I take horoscopes. Let me do my paper crank.

Let's hear it. Okay. Here was the LA Times, because I don't read horoscopes, so I didn't know where to go. This one is worthless, which is saying a lot about horoscopes. Aries. Do you know when the window for Aries is? I think it starts in late March, and then then it goes until what? April 15th, March 21 through April 19th. Those are the cusps from what I've heard. Yeah. I think I've told this

story before, but very short story. I'm in a coffee shop. A woman is kind of staring at me, but not at all in a flirty way, kind of in an unnerving way. And, uh, anyway, I'm like, what's that all about? She packs up to leave. She comes over to me. I'm like, this isn't, I'm just like looking down at my computer. And she's like, hey. And I'm like, yeah. She's like, are you an Aries?

And I was kind of taken aback. And I'm like, actually, I am. Big shit eating grin, nods her head. And she's like, I knew it. And then she goes, we're bitches, but like i knew it and then she goes we're bitches but we're cool and then she walks out that was the whole story that's it we're bitches but we're cool and she felt that connection from across the room yeah yeah well i think aries we are we're known for being um sort of aggressive. Yeah.

And not giving a shit what people think about us. That's a bitch. So, Aries, competent people are attracted to you and will offer help doing just the thing you need. This is partly because you notice and encourage skill and talent around you. Then why the fuck is Chris Denman our producer? How did we pair up? What about that one? It doesn't sound like two Aries should run a podcast.

No, we definitely need a set. And by the way, I've written on a ton of black shows. And by black, I mean the people are black that work on them, except for me. Yeah, yeah. And Scorpio is like a big, like highly sexualized sign. Like if you say a girl is a Scorpio, it kind of means she's a hoe. Well, they, well, I'm not surprised in the black community. The Scorpios are known most for their tail.

Right. Black tail. known most for their tail. Right. Black tail. Black tail. Black tail. That's their most prominent feature. Yeah. No. Yeah, they're known as, all right, here's the other.

So then I looked up because that one was so lame. This is also another short one, but it's on, should I say the website? Anyway, here it is. Aries, you're ready to kick things into high gear this afternoon after your podcast. What? No, this afternoon.

The mood wades through productivity seeking Virgo, helping you tune into the needs of your body and your current to-do list. Try to shake off that frenzied full moon energy, Greg, through exercise or another rigorous activity that engages Aaron. What? No, that engages your body. Come evening, fantasy and escapism reign supreme. Hey, now. As the moon dances with dreamy Neptune.

Hmm. Of course. I knew Neptune was in there somewhere. Here's my to-do list right here. I've always got a to-do list. I'm very into them. Wow. Not even on your phone.

Okay. I can't read it. After, which is the Actors Union. After, I got to call them about my retirement because they're fucking me on it. Okay. I got to book Fitz Dog Radio. Sherry Adrian is my therapist.

I'm thinking about going back into therapy. Ooh. Shingles. Oh, I got to get my shingles shot. Okay. And then I got to finish my my script my sitcom script i've been working on where's your list it's in my head man and it's all checked off you don't did it all you don't write a you don't have a to-do list no i do but invariably they're on different pieces

of paper yeah and uh you know i'm bad at it i'm bad at it that's my to-do list is to get my shit it's all about the list the list without list. I would literally never get anything done. I mean, yeah, I want to use the one on my phone because I know that will always be with me, you know. Yeah, but you don't look at your phone like that when you have a piece of paper that you carry around, you look at it. You know, it's on my to do list, Greg, is the entertainment section. Hey, now. All right, we got a lot of, I didn't even send you all the emails about the Woody Allen. You took a stance against the Woody Allen.

It's called Allen versus Farrow that came out in HBO last week. JJ White says, um, I'm curious, but without critique, why Mike indicated that the makers of Allen versus Farrow should have wanted to present more of both sides of a contentious topic. I don't think that a documentary is necessarily improved by attempting to be even handed journalism. Really? A documentary can and maybe should have a point of view,

and it's okay if that has a strong bias, as this movie does. I don't think I've ever consciously decided not to watch Woody Allen's movies. Well, let's just stick to his first part. Does a documentary have an obligation to show both sides of a story? Well, I don't know. I mean, is it trying to be respected and good? Like for instance,

exactly. There's a documentary, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt and Courtney. Do you remember that? Yeah. Where they basically, it says that the father killed Kurt. No, it said Courtney killed Kurt. Oh, killed. Yeah. Right, right, right. So if you took that documentary as, you know, it had its angle, it had its point of view, you'd be like, man, Courtney killed Kurt. Like, it's all right there. Like, look at the guy.

There was some mysterious man on the train tracks. I think she hired him. And then he was found dead. It's like, yeah, it's pretty airtight, is it? And I think you're supposed to ask that. So listen, JJ White, first of all, listen, you can have friends that keep screaming about like remote controlled airplanes that went into the World Trade Center. And if you choose to be their friends and you don't want to raise issues that, you know, there's a lot of evidence against what you're saying, that's fine. And if you want documentaries that are one sided to be your friends, so to speak, you're right.

I guess you have a point. They don't have to be. The only thing I'd say on this one, though, is this is one of the most serious things you can say about another human being. this is one of the most serious things you can say about another human being. And I think you do, if you're, they're called, they call themselves journalists, by the way, the two documentary filmmakers. So I think there is a responsibility when you were calling anyone, but especially a public figure, the worst thing. I mean, I think it is the worst thing. It's worse than a murderer, right?

It's worse than a murder because it begins a cycle for that person that often then perpetuates itself where they become pedophiles. They're like, I forget the number, but like 70 to 90% of pedophiles were molested as children. So it's not just killing somebody. It's creating dozens of victims from your one crime. Right. And so while I was critical of the documentary, I think I was, first of all, I just want to underscore again, because this was lost. You showed me a lot of the emails that came in. I was mostly criticizing the documentary and then really criticizing a shitty review of the documentary, which just took it and also said that it was true. What what what the accusations are didn't even put alleged just put that it was truth at the end.

But honestly, we've only seen one episode and they haven't even gotten to the actual act of molestation. Right now, it's like, for lack of a better word, it's the, what do they call it, grooming. It's the sort of lead up to it. We're being groomed. Yeah. No, I'm saying that Dylan was being groomed by Woody. Yes. Well, also, a lot of the reviewers have seen all four. Well, they have.

They've seen all four parts. They didn't just review part one. Yeah. And they all say it is. I mean, it is inconclusive unless you were just going to decide you absolutely believe Pharaoh and disbelieve everything else. Well, I think that, yeah, my belief is that a good documentary like our friend Tom O'Neill's book Chaos, you always step short of giving a conclusion unless you have absolute corroborated facts. And I think in this case, it sounds like they didn't stop short.

They gave you the perception that this was a done deal. Katie says, Mike, I'm curious what you think about the claims against Woody Allen after watching the first episode. Personally, I don't believe there is so much darkness in human nature that a group of people who love a child would collude to lie about abuse to that child and weigh her down with that identity.

That would be a very callous scheme. I believe most adults truly have an instinct to protect children. LOL comedy podcast. All right. This is what I'd say. Well, Greg, have you read Moses account? No. Of the abuse. Moses is the older brother of Dylan. I would tell everybody listening to this podcast, if they're interested in this issue, it is mandatory read. Moses was the oldest child still in the house when it happened. He then goes through that exact day. He was 14. Dylan was seven. And the exact day was keep in mind. Anyway, he goes through that Mia had left the house to go shopping with friends

and left the nanny at least two nannies were in the house and i think also a friend and they were all told including the children watch woody like a hawk because he was already with sunyi for like i forget how many months at that point. And so he was over. So anyway, his account is mandatory reading if you're going to keep watching this documentary. And again, what I'm saying is, I don't know if it happened or not. But what I'm saying is this documentary is a piece of shit. I'm surprised HBO actually aired. HBO has been getting a little bit tawdry lately. Like even the Tiger Woods documentary that came out, I felt like it was a kind of a hatchet job on him. I felt like it was more salacious than it needed to be about the details of the sex he was having.

It just felt like that's not what HBO would have done five or 10 years ago. Yes. Anyway, there were like 11 people in the house. Anyway, his weakest argument, I'm going to read to you right now, but I think it's worth reading, but this was the weakest part of his account and his whole philosophy.

By the way, the abuse, according to Moses, that Mia inflicted on that family, three of the children are dead, two by suicide. You know Mia's brother. No. Two of the kids committed suicide? And the third one might also have, I think, according to Moses. I'm a little blurry on that. Wait, you know Mia's brother is in jail for pedophilia, right? Oh, I didn't know that oh yeah there's a couple of little couple little things in there um you know that mia married 50 year old frank sinatra when she was 21

okay so that age is that the same age difference as woody and sunyi anyway i know i know there's a lot more with the sunyi thing again i, I am not defending that Woody Allen's not a creep. Please get me right on this. Anyway, here's what Moses said. Dude, the Sun Yi thing. First of all, my understanding of him and Sun Yi, and this was erroneous because now I've seen the film and I've seen video footage of him with her. I didn't know that he had much contact with her. I thought that they were, you know, not together.

And she was raising the kids. He was very much a part of Sunni's life since she was a very young kid. According to Moses, no, Sunni had so many issues with Mia. Mia really was, I guess, abusive to her. And by the way, you know, Mia hit the kids and was abusive, locked one of them in a shed, made them spend the night in the shed overnight. Like, so this is all, again, according to Moses, you have to just read his account. And the movie paints this like idyllic Connecticut home where they're all just loving and supportive and everything's beautiful. You have no idea if you read Moses' account.

And Moses, by the way, is a family therapist now. So anyway, this is just one thing. And I'm telling you, this is the least convincing thing, but it's food for thought. Moses says, to those who have become convinced of my father's guilt, I ask you to consider this. And in this time of me too, when so many movie heavyweights have faced dozens of accusations, my father has been accused of wrongdoing only once by an enraged ex-partner during contentious custody negotiations. During almost 60 years in the public eye, not one other person has come forward to accuse him

of even behaving badly on a date or acting inappropriately in any professional situation, let alone molesting a child. As a trained professional, I know that child molestation is a compulsive sickness and deviation that demands repetition. Dylan was alone with Woody in his apartment countless times over the years without a hint of impropriety. Yet some would have you believe that at the age of 56, he suddenly decided to become a child molester in a house full of hostile people ordered to watch him like a hawk. I can't wait for the next episode. I think we should continue talking about this because people like Katie and a lot of other people, I hear you. And this is a very delicate topic. And I think that you always have to avoid dismissing accusers of something like this.

But at the same time, I think we have to look at the other side because this film is not. All right, last thing I'll say is you should also keep this in mind. And again, I was trashing the reviewer. The reviewer has to fucking... So here's a... This was from a good reviewer.

And the documentary that these people did before this, this man and woman woman was called The Hunting Ground. And the headline is how the hunting ground blurs the truth. So I just took an excerpt. The documentary is shaping the public debate around campus rape. But a closer look at one of its central cases suggests the filmmakers put advocacy ahead of accuracy. I remember this. Yep. put advocacy ahead of accuracy. Oh, I remember this.

Yep. So one of the filmmakers is like, he claims he's more of an advocate than a filmmaker. And that's very, very revealing, actually. So anyway, in multiple interviews, the filmmakers have said that they rigorously vetted all of the stories they present

in the hunting ground. They acknowledge that they are advocates fighting for a cause. Dick, in an interview with the campus newspaper, Dick's one of the filmmakers, said, I see myself both as an activist and a filmmaker. Sorry, that's the actual quote. And then when Ziering was asked

what people can do for victims of sexual assault, she said, Ziering's the other filmmaker, she goes, you can believe the survivors. So an allegation of sexual assault is a grave one if proven true it can really end a perpetrator's education and send him to prison because the stakes are so high it is crucial in telling stories of sexual assault not to be blinded by advocacy but to fairly examine the assertions of both sides despite the filmmaker's assurances the hunting ground fails in this regard. I looked

into the case against the guy whose allegations generated a huge record with the evidence, including in this guy's testimony shows is often it's a dramatically at odds with the account presented in the film. And sure enough in court, he was found innocent and it was very vetted and they claimed it wasn't vetted. And they also went up to him way after the documentary was made for his participation. The guy who was accused of raping the girl at Harvard law school, Harvard completely vetted the case and has just reinstated the guy back into their law program. Wow. And the courts have found him innocent of the rape charges. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Again, just wave. You should have that information if you're way. Anyway, again, she's right. LOL

comedy podcast, but I don't know. This is about one of the greatest comedians of all time um and i am partial to that but i guess that wasn't my point my point is i really think this documentary is not good and i wanted i'd love not to think about this anymore i'd love to not watch it i wasn't gonna watch it and then i finally broke down and I said, I think it's, I think we should talk about this on the show. So I watched it so that we can have a dialogue and we encourage you guys to write in and we'll talk about it next week. All right.

Also in entertainment, I just want to say, I sat down last night and I listened with headphones on by myself uninterrupted to quadrophenia live in london which was made in 2013 the album came out in two if people don't remember tommy was like the first rock opera and it was fucking game changing it changed rock and roll and it put them on the map they were already big but it put them on the map as just creative geniuses. Pete Townsend wrote Quadrophenia himself. It took years to put it together. It is mind-blowing to hear that they did this album 40 years later, right?

1973 to 2013. 40 years later, right? 73 to 2013, 40 years later. And it is as raw, as genuine, as honest, as fucking rock and roll as any live album. It's incredible. And, you know, first of all, listen to Quadrophenia alone. And it's a story. It's a rock opera. And it's worth all of your attention. Absolutely.

I told you, well, I got you that DVD. Didn't I have the Isle of Wight? Yeah, that's right. Which had a lot of the Tommy stuff on it. Well, this is the thing. There's four guys on stage. Only three are playing instruments. And how they end that set.

And I'm not even the biggest who fan is unbelievable. And I wanted to geek out because there was one setting. Cause when I got the DVD, I played it and I'm like, wait, that doesn't sound. And it was some Dolby setting. And anyway,

I shut that off. And then there was the sound that I had listened to over the years. It's unbelievable how big of an ending it like it's, it's really wasn't inspired. I mean, it's like, it's, it's a, it's bigger than that. It's bigger than them. That's it really is. And the, the other, because nobody makes better live albums than the who, the other one is live at leads, which is, which is they had just toured for like 12 months straight around

the world playing fucking stadiums and then they came back and they played at college they wanted to make an album and they said let's do it small and so there was a lot uh it was it was mostly the album tommy and just to hear keith moon attack a set of drums like it was a fucking dog walker for Lady Gaga. I mean, he was violent towards the drums and yet kept perfect time. It's you in the you're in you're in so inspired when you're watching it. And then you just I just start laughing because it's like watching Animal from the Muppets on the drum kit. He's just this beast. And by the way, all of them, all four of them are just in their zone listening to you.

And they just keep repeating it. And they're just this hardworking band just going. It's so inspiring. If anyone needs to work out to something it's like the last 11 minutes of their set with this huge build and you'll be sprinting at the end of it yeah and uh and john ed twistle who's like top three rock bassists of all time dressed as a skeleton by the way in that aisle right right yeah yeah and when he sings it's fucking crazy he sings some absurd songs well he was boris the spider i think yeah um all right and then you wanted to talk

about another music thing sound of metal what's that so i watch that movie you know it's it's a pretty it's a pretty good movie it didn't make a lot of mistakes. Is it a narrative or a documentary? It's on Amazon. No, it's a movie, a narrative. It's about a couple, and very soon in the beginning of the movie, he starts to lose his hearing, and he's in a very heavy metal or very punk explosive band. And it's about like kind of what happens.

But anyway, one weird thing, you know, do you know how the deaf clap? No. How they applaud? This? No, they do jazz hands. Oh. And I don't know if I'm allowed to say this to any deaf watchers of our podcast, but it's so stupid. Just clap.

And I looked it up. I'm like, why don't they, why don't they, why don't you just do this? Right. Everybody else. And don't do it because everyone else is doing it, but also you're giving sound to the, you know, in most cases the performer can hear, I'm imagining. But also you do this, but also it's like, why create a new thing? You already have so many things. You have to, you know, it's a whole other language.

But why jazz hands? Well, why snap? What is the new thing with the woke people that instead of clapping, they snap their hands? Have you seen that? Only in restaurants when you're trying to get the waiter, rudely get the waiter's attention. No, what's the snapping? You've never seen snapping? Oh, I like it all snap at the end. I don't know if it's so that you're not making a noise that's distracting or if it's maybe clapping is too aggressive and cis male. I don't know, but snapping is the new clapping.

Okay, so I was super stoned at a concert once, and the type of stone where you start questioning everything, you know what I mean? I was in a good i was in a good space but i was questioning like nothing went unquestioned and i'm like how fucking weird is this like if you were an alien i'm sitting it was at the hollywood bowl we're all sitting in this carved out theater all humans, just very, very bizarre, bizarrely sitting in our seats, staring at this one human on stage who was playing piano. And we're all just silently sitting there like I would fucking run away so fast if that was the first time I was seeing. So, you know what I mean? If you pause and think about it, and then we all watch this one human um banging on white keys on a box

and then when he finishes all of us at the same time start putting our hands together making noise it's the craziest fucking thing ever if you pause and think about it yeah yeah yeah like what is that well what is music what is it in the uh in the math of music that causes like i watch tiktok videos of like one-year-olds dancing six months old laying on their back dancing to music it forces your body to contract and move to a mathematical rhythm it's it's yeah it's it It's really interesting to think about. And it's supposedly the last thing many of us remember in dementia and Alzheimer's and all of that. It's the last deeply rooted thing that's recognizable

and that they remember. But also, what's clapping? Yeah. How barbaric. It's like seals. What are we doing? What is that? It's so clapping? Yeah. How barbaric. It's like seals. Like what are we doing? What is that? It's so weird.

Yeah. I don't know. And then it goes beyond, like it's one thing if you go like, well, you're showing appreciation. You're letting the artists know you like what they just did. So you clap. But then you have clapping. I clap alone. I clap in my car sometimes.

If I'm overcome with emotion i'll i'll clap or if you're at a sporting event it's not like the fucking you know defensive tackle is going to hear me going like that but you cheer and clap in response to being excited when you're overcome with emotion alone in your car you clap that's what i just said what are you repeating it for there no you said it with a period i said it with a question mark imagine if you did it every time you were overcome with emotion like erin confronts you on like greg i don't think you're really facing you know your mom just had this very serious brush with uh illness and i you're like

aaron i gotta give it to you you have a good point about how i maybe repressed the feelings about my mom and she goes let me go deeper i think this has to do with like an archetypal youngian kind of understanding of of you know being raised from the womb and you give her a standing ovation. You got me. You stand up, cheer. It seems like the most disingenuous, like you're mocking her. You know what? You nailed that inner thing I'm going through. I think also, by extension, boo is the same thing.

It's like when people, like if I'm on stage and I say something somebody doesn't like, like I'll go, I do a joke about the Washington Redskins. I'm a Redskins fan. And people boo. And I always stop and go, all right, I'm not anymore. You changed me. Like has saying boo ever changed anyone's opinion in the history of that sound? And yet people do it. I know. And boo boo isn't i guess it's just like do you get to a red light do you get to a red light

and go boo right your boss says you know what jim you're fired boo yeah that's why we're firing you, because you say boo all the time. Yeah. Yeah, I was saying Bruce. Right. Yeah, I was saying, who is it, Lou Piniella? Oh, Lou, yeah, of course. Yeah. That predated Bruce, you're right. Let's go.

Oh, let's give an assignment for next week. We're all going to watch the Billie Eilish documentary. I really like her. I like her, too. Always did like her. She's very talented, and I like that she works with her brother. That's kind of cool. He seems super talented.

There's a very cool, you know, that it's a TV show now, but it started as a podcast called Sound Exploder. And she and her brother do one on one of their songs, and it's very good. Okay. Yeah. Let's go around. Dave Grohl's not good at all. Okay, what are we doing?

International. uh international okay all right you want to read this fucking uh a and e biography here you want a reading a lot of reading but it's fun jesus international story el chapo's wife emma is poised to rat out the cartel em Emma turned herself in earlier this week and faces more than 10 years in prison if convicted on drug trafficking charges. She's also accused of helping Guzman El Chapo, who's 63, escape from

prison, and she helped plan another escape before he was extradited to the U.S. She's definitely cooperating, a federal law enforcement said, adding that she is a likely candidate for witness protection. It's like, yeah, well, now she is. Yeah, yeah, I think you just put her in that zone. You just told everybody she's cooperating.

Right. Definitely cooperating. Okay, she's going to rat out her stepsons who are running the Sinaloa, I'm slaughtering it, Sinaloa cartel now. That was El Chapo's cartel. They, dude, they are so violent. Listen to this. Since El Chapo's been taken, the cartel has been dominated by the eldest of his 15 children known as Los Chapitos. So this is El Chapo. That's so cute.

This is what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't give then the heir apparent the name Los Chapitos, which is like, you're a little version of me. Like, you don't want like the easily threatened guy who's head of a cartel to have now this hung on him, you know, like, Hey, Los Chapitos. Yeah. Who takes Chapitos Chapo?

They took seriously. Yeah. Chapitos. Not so much. Right. In 2019, they're Hitlerini. Does my,

does my daughter Hitlerini? Yeah. And then in, uh, so anyway, in 2019, their turf war with the rival gang became particularly brutal, resulting in 2000 deaths. Jesus. In October of that year, the Mexican authorities became particularly brutal, resulting in 2000 deaths.

Jesus. In October of that year, the Mexican authorities captured the other son known as El Raton or the mouse, which is sounds like rat to me, but I'm sure it'll kill people who call him a rat. And the threat of violence when they captured El Raton was so high that they let him go. Too big to fail. Okay.

But this is what I really wanted to talk about. Since this has all gone down, she has taken to social media and she's amassed nearly 600,000 Instagram followers. And she's amassed nearly 600,000 Instagram followers. She posts glamorous photographs of herself in low-cut blouses and chandelier diamond earrings and shared Instagram stories about her luxe vacation in Venice shortly after El Chapo was sentenced to life in prison. There were videos of gondola rides and dinners overlooking the canals. Previous photos uploaded to her social media sites during her husband's you left out a good you left out a good line there one one video showed two glasses of white wine at an outdoor restaurant but it wasn't clear whether she was on a date or whether or not the guy had just gotten

shot in the head by a guy named rato exactly the oldest trick in the book you know whether you have an extra tormenting is, yeah, just a little sneak peek of, oh, that keychain isn't blah, blah, blah, whatever it is on the table. You know what you're doing before you post it. Yeah. The previous photos uploaded during her husband's trial showed

the brunette in skimpy bikinis on windswept breeches. Others featured her in skinny jeans paired with stilettos and Prada handbags standing amid a fleet of high-end sports cars. And following the trial, she registered the, quote, El Chapo Guzman trademark

to hawk a line of clothing, cell phone cases, and hats. So it's basically like she now is being forced to cooperate. She's like, fine, fine, fine.

I'll go into witness protection, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to lose my followers. Am I? They say I have to post at least three times a day or my followers go down and don't work. Listen, most are bots.

So it's totally cool. Right. Can I still go to premieres? And it it's totally cool. Right. Can I still go to premieres? And it's like your thing. Yeah, can I still get my sponsorship to go to the Paris, what's the fashion show? Yeah. And like your thing, it's always going to be, she's going to green screen backgrounds. She's going to, you know, Macha Picchu's in the background in one photo.

Totally. you know, matcha peaches in the background in one photo. And I think that the 2000 people that are the two, there were 2000 people killed. All their family members should go out and try to find her. Once she goes into witness protection, they should all wear body cameras and use their cell phones and record it and make it a, make it the greatest fucking TV show of all time. The hunting down of this fucking murderous cunt. Finding Emma.

Yeah. Why wouldn't you? I watched that reality show. Yeah, and you capture her. And because she's in witness protection, they don't know where she is either. So you can torture her on her own Instagram account daily. She'll get way more than 600,000 followers.

Well, good luck beating Chapitos and Raton to finding Emma. They are really going to be looking for her. Right. The show's called Beat the Rat. Yeah, exactly. Beat the Baby Chapo. Speaking of sports. Oh, my God.

But what a funny setup of a witness protection program who doesn't want to give up social media. Yeah, I know. That's perfect. Wait, I can't post from Coachella? You're joking, right? Why would I even go to Coachella if I can't post from Coachella? You're joking, right? Why would I even go to Coachella if I can't post from there? Yeah.

It would be funny if it was always, she posted one week late. So you always just miss her. I'll tell you where she's not going to post from, a new resort in Cabo, a little too close to Chapito and Raton. Yeah. Speaking of sports. Oh, yeah. All right, we already covered Tiger, but let's talk about Tom Brady, America's sweetheart.

A fan started a petition. I grabbed this story for you, Greg. Started a petition to get Tom Brady to give back the PPP loans his TB12 company received. Several weeks before the Super Bowl, McMahon, the kid that started, started a change.org petition calling on Brady to either pay back the $961,000 his lifestyle company received in the PPP loans or donate an equivalent sum to local small businesses in need amid the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. Or donate it to the Kansas City Chiefs. Or the people that bet on them. Hello? Where's my money?

This guy and his wife, Giselle, is worth $500 million. He's worth $300 million. So picture $801 bills on a table now picture being so fucking greedy that you were going to go get another dollar bill from a pot that's meant for people that can't pay their fucking rents right and then his rationalization sounded like my vaccine rationalization, but it was people, there were unleft funds. But this guy points out there's still so many businesses that he has seen go out of business, small businesses, which is undisputable. Clearly that has happened and they've really struggled. Clearly that has happened, and they've really struggled. Right. Two things to that point.

Number one is that money is going to roll over into the second PPP payout and hopefully third PPP payout. So it's not like that money just goes back. It's going to get used. And second of all, the reason why some of these small businesses couldn't get their loans is because all these fat cats were grabbing the money through their professional accounting firms and their connections in the banking industry. So they got the money first and they, and they may, I can tell you firsthand, I got a PPP loan because I had no fucking income this year. And it took me three months and 12 rounds of paperwork to get through the website. The phone doesn't answer. The website crashes constantly.

And yet guys like Tom Brady, they're getting it done in an afternoon. Yeah. It's like the people that are going and getting the fucking virus shots. Anyway, let's do science. No. Do we want to do this story? All right, here we go.

An orgasm works just as well as drugs for curing a migraine, says a brain expert. Yeah, but it makes more of a mess, though. Professor Ellison says an orgasm triggers the release of happy chemical serotonin. Case studies of people who suffer from frequent migraines show they have lower levels of serotonin than others. They also crave sex 20% more than those whose headaches were caused by simple tension, but their migraine symptoms disappeared instantly after a romp between the sheets. Hey now. Who said a romp between? I don't call masturbation a romp between the sheets. Maybe I should. Yeah. I took another romp between the tissue. I don't know if women do this. They probably do. But I know guys have, because I remember I told someone this once they're like, you've heard Larry David talk about

that. I'm like, no. And I guess Larry David and his standup talked about, he had a really high fever once and maybe it was the flu or whatever. And for some reason, he something maybe turned him on, whatever it was. But anyway, he decided to masturbate, thinking it would help him. And the second he completed, he felt like he was going to die. And that's happened to me. The reason I grabbed this article is I used to get migraines in my thirties and I can tell you firsthand, it does the opposite of helping a migraine. It feels good while you're getting that poison out. I guess the second it's out, you are lower than the low you were at.

I always think about like, when you, when you think about how much nutrients and protein you need to take into your body that then gets like mixed up, you know, uh, delivered to your testicles as sperm, you're shooting out all that protein, all those. If you're sick,

your body is, it's using everything it's got at its disposal to make you better again. And now you're taking it and you're fucking lobbing it out onto your belly. Like you don't even care about yourself. So you're saying do it in your mouth. You're a weirdo, dude. My mouth. Those were the days.

I don't think your body's doing the deep dive into your ball sack to retrieve those. I think those nutrients are already on a special shelf. No, your sperm is the most precious thing your body is. The only thing species do in their lives, their only goal is to reproduce. So that sperm is the best you've got. Okay. goal is to reproduce so you're that sperm is the best you've got okay it's your most important material in your body because i see what you're saying so so once you spend it you're saying then your body's spending all that energy to replenish it right right got right. Got it. I didn't get that. Got it. All right. All right.

We got to talk about it. Business. It sounds like if you're really sick, then maybe you should just jerk off other guys if you want that thrill. Especially doctors. Then they give you a little extra attention. All right. We're going to business.

Here we go. Okay. All right. We started it this week. And, you know, initially I said there's a cutoff time to get into this contest. We are suspending the cutoff time. Yeah, get in whenever you want. Get in whenever you want, because the longer you're in it, the more money you can make.

But this is the Investopia Invitational. That's what we're calling it. So this is the Investopia Invitational. That's what we're calling it. And we've asked people to go to the Investopia site, and you find Sunday Papers Pod in the game. The website's a little complicated, but if you go down my ranking click on stock simulator and it'll say get started click on that and it'll take you to a page where you sign up and then you look for underneath existing games you look up um sunday papers pod we've already got like close to 200 people playing the winner whoever makes the most

money by the fourth of july wins a hundred dollars and then me and mike are playing each other for a hundred dollars right now the leader by a fucking i think this guy's playing margins sunday morning stonks has 212 000 in a week he doubled his more than doubled his money in a week and i think he might be playing margins how else can you get that high right i'm ranked number 20 but you haven't invested a single dime yet that's exactly right um no i know how many people so it shows you how many people like myself i've invested and i'm below a hundred thousand i'm at 99 600 i lost 400 bucks in a week so this guy's name is sunday it's either Sunday morning stonks or Sunday mornings tonks. Yeah.

What does that mean? Sunday morning stonks. But he should, he should tell it. Wait, are we allowed to see his position? He meant to write Sunday morning stocks and he wrote, he wrote an N instead of a C.

He's only good with numbers. Wait a minute. Oh, you can see his holdings. Yeah. Wait, he bought Apple. Oh, wait, that's not, is that Apple? Um, oh, wait. It does look like if you look like it, that he bought margins or futures or some kind of weird stock manipulation, which means he can lose it just as fast. Oh,ris damon just wrote stonks is the reddit language a joke what does that mean does that mean it's a joke he's making a joke

stonks is the right language so he sold i think he bet against apple and he might have bet against Apple and he might have bet against this other one. Interesting. Filter one, fitter one, one, one is down to $84,000. He's the loser right now. He's currently in last place. Wait, I don't know. All these things are saying he's down. It's weird. I don't know how to read this website is not. It's not great. It's not great are saying he's down. It's weird. I don't know how to read. This website is not. It's not great. It's not great. But it'll be fun to play. We also have a story about Mr. Potato Head. Oh, is that my cue?

Yeah. I'm still looking at Sunday morning stonks. Mr. Potato Head, Hasbro has created confusion Thursday when it announced that it would drop the Mr. from the brand's name in order to be more inclusive. Finally. And so all could feel, quote, welcome in the Potato Head world. What a gift. Yep. would sell a new place at this fall without the Mr. and Mrs. designations that will let kids create their own type of potato families, including two moms or two dads.

Uh-huh. Because they're potatoes. But in a tweet later that afternoon, Hasbro clarified, boy, a lot of clarifications on the potato issue, that while the brand is changing, A lot of clarifications on the potato issue that while the brand is changing, the actual Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head characters will still live on and be sold in stores. Huh.

And what about the tater tots? What about the kids? Can you turn a Mr. Potato Junior into a Mrs. Potato Junior once they turn 16? Can you pull the penis off this is it's exhausting i don't know i've got any energy for this story once you go down that road as as hasbro once you open up the floodgates to letting this woke movement dictate your branding, you can't win because they will, if you're listening to people's complaints and making adjustments based on that, it will never be, it will never be what

it was. It will just continue to be a fucking apology and, and people will resent it. And they'll go, you know what? There's a million fucking toys. I'm not fucking with the potato. I'm done with the potato it was never a good idea to begin with you got away with it for 50 years i don't know how a fucking potato head became like must have toys what is that thing even i don't know and hasbro has bro in its name right fucking can't wait for that clarification. There you go. There you go.

All right, let's get to this day in history. Oh, okay. Here we go. February 28th, 2013, less than three weeks after making the unexpected announcement that he would step down, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI officially resigns. He said it was his age that was the reason, but he was the first pontiff to relinquish power in nearly 600 years. So he was the son of a policeman. He was born Joseph Ratzinger. And do you remember there was talk about how his father was a green beret? Not a green beret. What do you call it? A brown

shirt in the Nazi party? No, it was very divisive. This is a controversial pope. Very divisive. And he was very much involved in hiding pedophilia. And that's really why he stepped down. That was a big fucking deal that he stepped down. First time in 600 years. I mean, that's the kind of job I want. I want one of those jobs where they go, hey, you know what? You got this one till you die.

Whatever the fuck you do. You want to hide pedophiles? Don't worry about it. You're good. It's actually part of the job description. Has been for a thousand years. It's like some senators in this country. Say you want to give a nephew a fucking no-show job as Vatican security.

Who's going to question that when the next meeting you have is dismissing pedophiles? You kind of have a free reign. Yeah, I remember him. Yeah, I remember that being very controversial. Yeah. Huh. All right, let's skip ass game because we're losing steam here. We are.

I've lost some steam. Yeah. Well, what are we? Jesus, we're pretty far along here. Yeah. Let's do letters to the editor, Joanne. This woman, Joanne. I haven't heard from her in a while.

I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Now, Mike, what do you say? You said you got an email from her? Well, you have selective memory because you got an email from her. Well, you're, you have selective memory because you forwarded me the email from Joanne. I don't remember. I'm like Tiger Woods with that crash. I don't remember any of it. And by the way, it was the Joanne. You ready?

Yeah. The subject on the email was Joanne here, which is perfectly Joanne. So Joanne. Can't even tell you, can't even tell you how hot it makes me tonight when Mike went off on Ted Cruz, exclamation point,

during a previous podcast, you asked me to pick one of you. Sorry, Greg. I think it's Mike. Love, Joanne. How about that? I'm glad that you solidified your relationship with Joanne as you lost about 10,000 of our listeners by going off on Texas. Hope you guys have fun together as we lose sponsors.

I went off on the strong-headed Texans. I thought I made that clear. Uh-huh. I don't think you did. No, you didn't at all. Okay, fine. I'm pro-Woody Allen. I'm pro-hating Texas.

Well, Ted Cruz won me back this week because he in Florida, in Orlando, he was a Florida man this week, Mr. Cruz. And the Honorable Ted Cruz won me back this week because he in Florida, in Orlando, he was a Florida man this week, Mr. Cruz. And the Honorable Ted Cruz made a joke and made light of him going to Cancun during his state's crisis. So he won me back over. Well, you realize that nothing matters anymore in politics. You can have a senator come out and say that the Republican Party will absolutely not make a Supreme Court pick within nine months of the end of a president's four years. Who was the senator that said that? Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no.

What's his name down in South Carolina? He goes, mark my words. Record what I'm saying because it will never happen. Yeah, Ted Cruz's counterpart. I'm just spacing out. The senator from North Carolina, was it? Anyway, nothing. And then he gets reelected.

Nothing matters. Nothing matters. You can say and do anything. A Republican candidate said, I just grabbed women by the pussy. That was like, if a Republican said something 10 times lighter than that, that would have been it. The Republican Party was the ones on family values. Right, right. I know.

Like, forget it. It's just ideological now. You're voting party. This is from Jennifer Kraut. Thanks for bringing this up. I remember hearing... Oh, no, never mind. Forget that one.

All right, let's go to obituaries, Mike. And that's all folks. Do it. Here we go. All right, Lawrence Ferlinghetti. When I was in college, I designed my own, you could create your own courses at BU and it was part of this interdisciplinary honors program

that I was in. And I created this course for a year where I studied the beat poets. And Lawrence Ferlinghetti was one of my favorites. He's the guy that created the City Lights bookstore in San Francisco. And he was the guy that created that publishing house that put out Howl by Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac, Burroughs. So anyway, he just passed. It was very sad.

He was a great, great poet in his own right, but also was the godfather of that whole movement in San Francisco. And he was arrested and tried for obscenity for publishing and selling Howl by Ginsburg. Trial became national news, supported by the ACLU. Ferlinghetti won a victory for the First Amendment when he was acquitted by the California State Superior Court. So I just want to go out with, here's just a couple lines from a sweet poem we wrote. It's called The World is a it's called the world is a beautiful place um the world is a beautiful place to be born into if you don't mind happiness not always being

fun so very much fun if you don't mind a touch of hell now and then nice yeah i remember he came out live and read the lord's prayer at the last waltz which was the band's farewell fuck that's right the band's farewell concert at winterland ballroom yeah yeah which was the first venue they ever played eight years before that and it was on thanksgiving um night and he came out because it was it was in San Francisco. It was like perfect. Wow. All right, we always have to cheer up after the obituaries, Mike. How do we do that? Not reading fucking Family Circus. Here we go, the funnies.

I'm going to start off with my favorites. Should I do the lock horns? I picked one that was great and one that was terrible which one should i do first the great one okay uh leroy is sprawled out on the couch he's got his foot up his sock is half off he's got a drink and popcorn within reach and uh his wife is talking to an african-american woman behind him and she, the apple of my eye became the potato of my couch. I said start with the great one. Here's the terrible one.

That's the gender neutral potato on the couch. Yeah, right. Then we've got Loretta driving the car, uh she's opening up her glove compartment and it is just stuffed with shit and leroy goes any more stuff in there and we'll have to call your glove apartment i don't know what happened this guy is normally on fire. It seems like he got into a little bit of a wordplay streak. Yep. On both of them. I think it's Host Reiner.

Is that his name? Or is it Host and Reiner? I don't know. Let's do a little family circus. Luckily, we're going to pull out of that nosedive with a family circus. So the father, I thought he was sitting on the shitter. It looks like he was sitting on the shitter it looks like he's sitting on the shitter because he has a newspaper and it looks like a sink yep oh no that's the arm of the chair all right it's a very bad drawing so the doofy dad was reading the paper in his like lazy boy chair and the shitty little kid has walked up in front

of him and so the shitty kid has a hammer by the way his name is billy and the dad's grabbing his knee with these sort of ouch marks emanating from the knee and, the shitty kid is looking up at his dad and says, I was just testing your knee flexes. Did the guy from Lockhorns write that punchline? Well, like, you know, on this one, he might have tried harder. I'm not saying it worked,

but it's like, he probably was like, well, the cute shitty thing that this guy does with his family was they would change reflexes into knee flexes. Right. Yeah. And then maybe his wife was walking behind him and is like, well, also, what if he didn't just do it with like the little rubber thing, but he had a hammer. Yeah. That's a joke on a joke. Right. Why don't just do it with like the little rubber thing, but he had a hammer. Yeah. That's a joke on a joke.

Right. Why don't you do that? The only thing that would make this funny is if it actually was a shitter, if he was sitting on the toilet, it would just give it some fucking texture. It would give it a little bit extra. And, uh,

yeah, but it's not as worst. I gotta say, I mean, there, mean, there are horrible family circuses. This is not the worst. I was just testing your pee flexes if the dad's on the toilet. Because, you know, that dad is a sit-down peer. Look at him. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. He's a cuck. I like sit-down peeing, full disclosure. No, you don't. Oh, yeah. I love it. Are you serious?. Oh yeah, I love it. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why? Well, it's just easier to wipe after I pee. What just happened? It's very difficult to stick a tampon up your ass when you're standing. Hey, do you think women, when they pee, do you think they wipe from the front or the back? Of course, they go from the back to the front. No, the front to the back because you don't want to get shit inside your snatch. Okay, wow, this really went...

No one brought up shit. No, but that's why you wipe from the front to the back, so you don't drag feces. Easy, easy, guy. You're talking as a dad, same with me, daughter. Yes, you learn very quickly front to back. You don't want to push the shit into the crevices. Got it. I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about a grown woman who sits down and pees on the toilet. What does she do? What are you talking about? She wipes from the undercarriage up towards the clitoris in that direction. No, I'm sorry, the opposite. So she reaches her hand behind her? Oh, I never thought about that. Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. In other words, if you're coming in from the front, you would have to... Push down. You would have to push down. Well, don't you just dab it? I guess we've been over this. How messy are they? It depends on the vagina.

It depends if it's a big, sloppy-ass vagina. Well, there's no more hair down there in most cases, although I think it's making a comeback just like just like george bush bush is making a comeback apparently somehow is he oh yeah everybody loves him now um all right let's get to blondie my girl i picked one i decided to go throwback thursday on this one and I went back and I found an old blondie just because, goddammit, she was cute. She was so young that her calf development is not there yet, and yet the bosom is full. But she's got kind of a cuter, younger face, and she's, of course, doing some goddamn dishes.

No, she's stirring a stew while Fuckface walks in with a hat on a goofball hat. And he says, ah, it's good to get home to my little wifey. How condescending is that? And now she spins around with her apron on and he goes, I missed you. So today I thought of you all afternoon.

Then he gives her a hug and she says, touched, because he's such an ingrateful, self-centered bag of shit. She goes, do you really love me that much, dear? And he says, you know, I do. But as he's doing it, he's reaching around her and opening the top of the stew. And she says, Dagwood, stop looking at the pan while you're making love to me. That was a thing back in the 40s. Making love didn't mean fucking. It meant courting or flirting.

Did you know that? Well, Greg, I don't consider fucking making love. That's very crude. Yeah, making love has foreplay and cuddling afterwards fucking is just sport sport yeah it's exercise like sport hunting what do you think is a normal amount of time to have sex i read this i'll tell you the answer. What do you think is the average amount of time that couples make love?

That includes the before and after? I have no fucking idea. I would imagine. Yeah, I would imagine foreplay until climax. Okay, let me add it up. So you got the after part. What's that?

Eight seconds. You're really selling yourself. You're going to be a lot of women on this podcast. I'm pro. I'm pro Woody Allen. I got my vaccine. I'm just the worst fucking guy this weekend. So I listen.

I do know this. Sometimes you'll have an intimate session, right? And it'll feel loving. It'll feel like it went on a while. And then both of you kind of make a joke. Like that was only like 20 something minutes. Meanwhile, it felt like an hour. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. But I'm not trying to make, it's not a humble brag. 20 something minutes is long. You know what I mean? Like it's, but if you're including everything, uh, so what you have, you know,

you have an actual number. I have an actual number. I think it's going to be surprisingly low. Like, like, like 12 minutes. That's exactly what it was. 12 minutes.

No, it's not. Yep. 12 minutes. That's so funny. Now you got to factor in. Here's the thing about me is I'm not Johnny. I don't get the hat trick. I was never the guy that, oh, God, I had sex five times last night.

What are you talking about? And then you realize that when I fuck, I'm like you, 20 minutes a minimum. And I can remember when I was young, and I'm not making this up, my number was 5-0, 50 minutes. Poor, poor women. But then I was done. Right. Done for 24 hours. That's it.

And then you would go to school and your mom put the oil back on the springs. But, you know, these guys that are doing it five times they're they're they're doing two minute they're fucking uh johnny fast pants they're getting in and out of there right well have you ever the the less you enjoy well this is getting too technical the less you enjoy your orgasm the the more likely you are to have more of a, you know, more to go. Right. I think there's like a, as you're saying, leaving it all on the table. Yeah, it's the journey.

It's the journey, not the destination. Right. I hold back. When I get close, I slow down. I go into the fetal position. I hum. And you also tell her it's definitely about the journey because she came up short on the destination next stop me

all aboard all right listen mike we uh i can't say we accelerated through the finish line on this one, but we got through it, and it is one hour and 59 minutes. Wow. All right. We did it again. Did we? Okay. All right. There we go.

I think we were great for about three quarters of it. And then both of us started off in a really good mood this morning. I got a good night's sleep. I had two cups of it. And then both of us started off in a really good mood this morning. I got a good night's sleep. I had two cups of coffee. I had a chance to read these stories well. Great hat. Do you not like the hat? No, I do like that hat. I also have a blister.

I have something wrong with my lip and so I went in and I got it burned. Can you see it? Oh boy, yeah. You don't have to do that. She iced it she put the the what are they nitrogen what do they put on it to freeze it yeah the liquid nitrogen she burned it she burned it so uh that meant that meant it was like a basil cell type thing yeah she's uh it's not cancer but she said you should come in and do this every three months for the rest of

your life okay cool wow Cool. Wow. Yeah. Our buddy Pete had a chunk taken out of his lip. Oh, right. Good doctor, though, man. There's no sign of it. Yes, there is. He's got a scar. Really? Yeah. I guess I don't look at Pete's lips as much as you. You should see his cock from the circumcision.

Okay. All right. Really hacked up that one. All right. Shout out to Midcoast Media, who does a great job. Chris Denman, our crack producer, always turned in a good fucking job on this show. We appreciate that, Chris. And thank you guys for listening. Don't forget, go to Invest Investopia get involved in the contest

and again order a cameo for a friend I'll send you a message anything you want to plug Mike yeah man Moses read Moses Previn's I don't know his last name I guess it's Previn read his

read his account before you watch the rest of the documentary just it'll even you out that's all documentary. Just it'll even you out. That's all I'm saying. It'll even you out. I think you'll be more objective. I'm not, I'm not saying to read it because like, you'll see Woody didn't do it.

Although I'd, I'd like to think that, but it really does just be like, wow. Okay. There's more going on here. Right. Okay.

Good. That's all. That's all. That'll do it. We'll see you guys next week. Take. Okay, good. That's all. That's all. Alright, that'll do it. We'll see you guys next week. Take it-ish! Take it-ish! Greg yells, read all about it. Mike's eardrums

are busted. Time to talk, jerking off. Make old ladies disgust. Mrs. Fitzsimmons always listens and has left a gas. 1964, to a car in the ash. Greg has a wife, Mikey, she has a mix. With the wifey on the Mikey's having rainbow sex. Greg blows a wife, Mikey G has a mix. With no wifey, all the Mikey's having rainbow sex. Greg grows a mooper with a body like Gandhi.

He gets shoved out by his wife and chokes his chicken and blondie. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers