Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 54 3/14/21

Episode Date: March 14, 2021

Piers vs Meghan, Woody vs Mia and Cuomo vs a whole bunch of people. The men are down 0-3 this week. Plus the Vatican is down a few hundred million. Where does the money go?          

The Sunday Papers, read all about it. El periódico del domingo, con sus dos gringos cómicos favoritos. Todas las noticias que quiere la gente, con Blondie Sports, Science Family, Circus Escape. The Sunday Papers. Read all about it! Read all about it! That sounded terrible. A lot of men in trouble this week. Thank God we got a couple of straight white middle-aged guys to defend everybody.

They didn't do anything. Read all about it! Oh, jeez. That's not going to keep people on board. Well, look, we have to find our core demographic. I'm opening the paper right here. Yeah. Anything good in there?

Yeah, front page. Recognition for George Floyd. Oh, Anything good in there? Yeah. Front page. Recognition for George Floyd. Oh, yeah. That happened this week. Oh. I forgot about that. All right.

Let's get to that. We want to give a shout out. Our song this week was really cool. That was very Puerto Rican. Can I say that? 40-watt hype. I believe it's called Spanish, Mike. I don't know about that.

I think it was in Spanish. As Colin Quinn will tell you, so many Puerto Ricans can't even speak Spanish. I've got to find out what that guy's saying in the lyrics because my kids speak Spanish. Maybe they can interpret, translate. What if he's saying Sunday Papers is a fucking joke.

Listen to My Favorite Murder. Someone said that? What if that's the lyrics to the song that the guy put in in Spanish? Yeah. I think you'd recognize some words in there. So this show comes out on the 14th of March. As you know, St. Patrick's Day is the 17th of March, which is Wednesday.

Look how green we are. Look how green we are. Oh, yeah, and I'm wearing my jersey. This is from Adrian. Adrian at Jog Athletics was nice enough to make this jersey for me. That's incredible. The Rayford Simmons jersey. Right?

Look at that thing. This is genuine, like, jersey material. Guaranteed to get you laughed out of every rink in America. I think. I'm sick. We're both sick, right? Are you sick or just tired? I don't get sick, pal.

I have allergies, I think. I don't get sick, pal. I have allergies, I think. I don't know. It's very windy in LA. And whatever. My nose is a little congested. That doesn't hold me down. I'm doing a podcast. Is this our year? Not yet? I think next week we're going to celebrate our one-year anniversary

of Sunday Papers. We ask you to invite your friends and neighbors in. Sit around the computer together, make a fire. Huh. And we'll review. We've spent the last three months going through clips

from past shows and putting together a best... I'm kidding. We haven't done anything. We don't really follow through on things. Nope.

Although we did follow through on having this St. Patrick's Day show. If you're in L.A. and you want to come see me and Mike do stand-up. Wait, I'm doing it? How do you not know that you're... We've talked about this. I know, but it's at the golf course, and then I think we left

it saying, I don't know, like, see who you get. Alright, then don't do it. It's been a tough year. I don't know, like, see who you get. Alright, then don't do it. It's been a tough year. I don't know if... When is it? It's Wednesday, March 17th at the Penmar Golf Course 730 show. It's going to be

outside, socially distanced. And there's a cafe there. It's a very cool cafe. And they've got nice tables and chairs, a little stage, and it's going to be – Laurie Kilmartin is going to do it. She's so funny. Jackie Flynn, Kevin Flynn, Dennis Gubbins, who you've heard about on the show many times. Yeah.

So come on out. It's a suggested donation. All money goes to the Venice Family Clinic, and I think there's going to be corned beef and cabbage. They're going to make corned beef and cabbage. How great is that? That's pretty racist, I guess, right? But did you ask for it or they just said that's what you mix eat? No, I mean, they're just wrapping up.

They've still got a lot of chickpeas, black eyed peas left over from Black History Month. And they've got. Black-eyed peas left over from Black History Month, and they've got... So wait, black-eyed peas are the black food? That's the only thing I can think of. Well, yeah. Blackened salmon. Did you just go for the word black? No, that's a real thing.

Black people eat black-eyed peas. All right. See, it's another fact. Got it. Black beans, black licorice. All right. Blackened catfish. They always order it blackened.

Black Angus steaks. Yeah, I get it. Right. All right. So come out to that. I also got some shows. I got another show in L.A. coming up. I'm going to be at Fourth Wall in L.A.

Go to Eventbrite. March 19th. Fourth Wall. What's that about? What's that about? It's an outdoor show up in Burbank. Wow. I'm tuning up because then I'm going on the road. I'm going to Raleigh, North Carolina. Philly. San Francisco

and Kansas City all in the next month. So check out those dates at FitzDawg.com. Just getting all the business out of the way, Mike. I like this, sure. The logo, we want to thank who did the logo for us this week?

Why don't you ever put the artist's name in? I don't know. The guy or the woman can draw, boy. Yeah, this is badass. Rodrigo Oban did this. And I assume, I'm assuming that he made the logo a caricature of us as old guys, right? Or is this what we look like?

That is not what I look like. He likes chins. The guy does like chins. I wish I had a chin that strong. I do. You do. I do not. Yeah.

But I also don't know that my crow's feet are that pronounced. I think they actually are. This is fun for listeners. Yeah. It's a caricature, basically. Yeah. What else are we talking about uh daylight savings time is happy daylight savings time everybody so by the time you hear this you will have lost an hour last night yes

so what hour did you give up what hour are you going because we're recording this on Saturday. Have you decided yet which hour you're giving up? I'm going to wait. I'm going to give it up down the road, I think. Uh-huh. Yeah. So I'm not going to change my clocks or anything, and I'm going to wait until, like, I don't know, some sort of really sad day where I don't want to,

like, let's say I'm really bummed or someone in my family dies. That's when I'm going to pull it out. I'm going to be like, this misery is going to be one hour shorter as of now. I would be cool if you had a little card, you could just carry it around. Like I haven't used it yet. Haven't,

it's like a credit. Yes. I like that. That sounds like a Charlieaufman movie or something i know people did view it as credit in a way when um bars i think it was it might have been when we were at bu because i think boston last call was two right 2 a.m well they closed at 2 a.m. And you would, on the fall, fall back, you would beg the bar to stay open because technically it was now 1 a.m. That's right.

Yeah, I remember that. Except we used to drink at a place called Our House, and we became friends with the people that were the owners. And it was like an Irish bar situation where if you've ever been to Ireland, the pub closes early. Pubs close at like 11 o'clock during the week in Ireland. They start early. And they start early. But then they have a thing where you can be a member of the club,

which means that you buy the card for like 10 bucks once and you have it for life. And then you can go. Then they lock the once and you have it for life, and then you can go. Then they lock the door and you're allowed to stay inside, but once you leave, you can't come back in again. Ah. That's like drinking with a tell. He would, in New York, all of a sudden he'd wind up at Kettle of Fish or something,

and he'd be like, oh, yeah, meet me there or whatever, and it would be like after 4 a.m., and you're like, the door's locked. He's like, oh, hold on, they'll come out and unlock it. But they were all locked in there still drinking. Yeah. Wanda Sykes, Attell. Right. Those were the days, huh?

I know, right? I've been thinking about New York a lot. Yeah, I miss it. Yeah, I miss it. And I think the comedy clubs are now opened up as of this week. They're at like half capacity. No, 33% capacity, all the clubs. So what's Los Angeles' deal?

Tomorrow we join the rest of the state, L.A. County does, in indoor dining. Oh, no shit. Really? I think I read that. Wow. Yeah. Well, we each have one shot, one to go. As soon as I get my second shot, my wife's got it, my daughter's got it,

my son's got it. We can all go out and eat. I don't know. All right. It's not a news story, but I'm reading headlines that Europe is saying that the sort of a – God, I'm so inarticulate today, but the sort of feel-good vibes about the vaccine are waning fast. And I guess Brazil is a total crap show. And it's worth noting that it's summer in Brazil.

It's not even the most challenging season for this. So who knows? And I also heard that they have a strain down there. I forget which one they have, but it's more lethal and it spreads faster. And we've only got, they literally have like a dozen cases of it in this country so far. But if that virus moves here, then we may see our little picnic start to end too. Anyway, welcome to Sunday Papers. Hey, there you go.

All right, what do we got? What are we doing? We're going to do some corrections. Holden Caulfield is the name of this gentleman that wrote us. Holden Caulfield. What are you talking about, Greg? An eight ball is three and a half grams not three ounces you're not all that see look you can correct me holden caulfield you pretentious fuck but don't

tell me i'm not all that i am all that i just got the i just i said three and a half ounces believe me nobody knew more how much how many grams were in a fucking eight ball of coke. I used to sell that shit. Not for long. What a brag. What a great brag. I would buy a quarter of an ounce,

which was, I forget how many eight balls that was, which was not a lot. It was enough to like sell to my friends and get a couple grams free, which is the only reason

I would do it. Jesus. Three and a half grams. How many times have you done cocaine in your life? Is that why you got the vaccine so early? Because you're on the front line? Because you're a dealer? That's right.

I know. I remember being able to brag at one point that I had never bought cocaine. I was pretty late. I mean, well into college or something, but you have to understand, I went to boarding school. This is zero exaggeration. I'd be, I went to boarding school in 10th grade, right? And it was up in Massachusetts, but a lot of New York city, a lot of rich New York city kids were there and they were jaded on cocaine at 16 years old. Like, Oh no, no thanks. Like I get, you know, just like you would talk

about it in your thirties. Like I get fucking totally chatty. I'm going to start a business with that. I'm going to get everything done. And they were just over it. They were already over cocaine. Right. I remember doing it when I was 15. There was a God, we don't need it then really. No, you really don't need it. Uh, but you do need it in college when you really want to go all night. And, you know, it's the best. If you're in college, I will say this. Try cocaine. First of all, you're in college.

You're not going to get addicted because it's expensive. You don't have enough money. But go out when you can afford it. Or you can be like Mike Gibbons and be a fucking mooch and never pay for it. No, and you're right. Everyone who does cocaine can't afford it, or you can be like Mike Gibbons and be a fucking mooch and never pay for it. No, and you're right. Everyone who does cocaine can't afford it. It never comes up, and it's never a problem, and they never find ways to afford it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. No, you'll be more social. You'll probably be blowing guys behind dumpsters. You'll find a way. Hand jobs. Come on. It's college. All right. All right. All right. more social you'll probably be blowing guys behind dumpsters you know just you'll find a way and jobs come on it's college all right all right all right guy named dj will said fitz dog black and blue by the rolling stones released in 76 is underrated as you mentioned but it's not a reggae

i was gonna i didn't want to call you out i was gonna say i do not think you got that right he said the cover of cherry oh baby is the solo pure track that falls under the mantle of reggae and to a lesser extent hey negrita no but there was there's also another one on there um that sounds provocative that's funky it's it sounds like funk but it's also got that reggae upstroke you know how in reggae, when you play guitar, you stroke up and not down? I don't know. You're the drug dealer. Talk about your island music.

Go ahead. Steve Blackwood says, you have been corrected on this already, but in case not, the gap between doses for Moderna is four weeks. I said that you get the shot, and then three weeks later, you get the second shot. And I researched this, and this gentleman, Stephen Blackwood, is in fact correct. The Pfizer dose is three weeks apart. That's interesting.

I wonder what the deal is. You got Pfizer, right? Yeah, I got Pfizer. When do you get your second shot? Tuesday. And now do you go to the same place to cut off the poor people that need it, or do you go to? I actually go in their homes, and while I'm waiting, I take their food. I sit by the fridge, and I take their food. I sit by the fridge and I take their food.

Right. And I accuse them of having stolen their television. So I'll take that as well. And then, you know, I also tell them to get their fucking kids in school because there's obviously tons of them because poor people have tons of kids. Judging them is key. It's not just about taking stuff. It's about leaving them with the feeling of shame. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what i'm gonna do tuesday all right jonathan berman said an eight ball is three and a

half grams not ounces all right he also said he thinks i'm still operating on the tri-state 1980s prices i think think now it's cheap. An 8-ball, and I checked on this and it's true, an 8-ball is now $100. An 8-ball used to be $350. Wasn't it a gram? Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense. I remember it was a gram.

A gram was $100. So you get an 8-ball for like $300 to $350. Because it's cut with that go-to-sleep-forever drug, fentanyl. Right. Jeremy from Minnesota, in your previous show, you talked about how great it was that the Green Bay Packers are fan-owned. This isn't exactly how it seems. The shares they sell are nothing more than paper souvenirs for dim-witted Packer fans.

Oh, God. Here come corrections for Jeremy. They don't appreciate, pay dividends, or even move up the season ticket waiting list. So I guess that's all a joke. I don't know. Anybody from Green Bay want to weigh in on this? It's sort of like shares of GameStock, except the Packer fans don't lose money. By the way, it shot back up again this week, didn't it?

It did. It had a crazy week. I mean, trust me. Don't worry about me. I'm still losing money. I'm still definitely at a huge loss. But both AMC and GameStock did well. How about we'll talk about it later, too, but Bitcoin over 60. All right, hold your horses. We're not in the business section, Mike. All right, what are we doing? We're talking about something we love. Besides just the Sunday papers, you and I are both, we used to be bookworms.

Now we're earworms. We listen. papers you and i are both uh we used to be bookworms now we're earworms we listen audible.com lets you listen to thousands and thousands of uh not just uh spoken word entertainment but uh podcasts celebrity memoirs motivational stuff that's a big thing is people want to get motivated when they read books because you feel like you don't have enough time and you want like self-help. There's a lot of good self-help shit. You're listening to Eckhart Tolle or read Eckhart Tolle. Of course, he's on here. I told you last week, Becoming Nobody from Das Ram, whatever that name is. Ram Das. Ram Das. Whatever that was the name is.

Ram Dass. Ram Dass. I respect him so much. I knew his last name first. Nobody Becoming. Becoming Nobody. Oh, right. Sorry.

And you know what else is on there is Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons, my audio book that is flying around right now. Dennis Gubbins is reading it. You ever do The Untethered Soul? No. That's a very Untethered Soul? No. That's a very good one. Really? Yeah, I forget. I should listen to it again.

I forget everything I learned from it, but I remember learning. You get one credit every month with the subscription to audible.com, and you keep those for the rest of your life. Meditation, everything. I mean, whatever makes you feel good, you throw it on Audible. And I'm telling you, the way I do it, I go to bed, I got my headphones in, and you can set the timer on the app. It's a great app.

It goes off after 45 minutes. I'm always asleep. And then I go back the next day, and it's usually right around where I fell asleep, and I can continue on with the book from that point. There's a lot of great celebrity narrators. That's a good idea. I'll fall asleep to Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons this week. How dare you.

The new Plus catalog makes Audible membership so much more valuable and gives members a chance to listen to and discover new favorites and new formats like the exclusive words plus music series or a podcast you never considered before there you go all right so listen get involved support the podcast go to audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash or hyphen 500. 500, 500. That seems clear enough. Audible.com slash papers.

Do it. All right, front page news. Extra, extra. We all love it. Extra. What do we got? Oh, I have a paper. Good crinkle, man.

That was a solid crinkle. All right, let's do it. Harry and Meghan. That's all I wrote. I just wrote down Harry and Meghan. I didn't even copy and paste the headline. It was a week ago. Did you watch the Oprah interview?

With a heavy heart and only because my wife was watching it and I was made to do it. I'm sick of this whole, you guys, we have a thread. We have a text thread that's called Irish Mafia where it's all, it's about a dozen of us and we're all Irish. Which I hate. Don't even bring that. All right, go ahead. What do you hate? Also, Rabi's on there.

He's not Irish. So is George. How did George and Rabi's on there. He's not Irish. So is George. How did George and Rabi get on there? They're not allowed on there. Someone, I don't know why it's named Irish. Go ahead. I hate the Irish stuff. Go ahead.

The point is, you guys are all fucking texting on and on about the royal family. So pathetic. It's so antiquated. Like, these are the people that gave a fuck if you lived or died during the famine. They let a million people starve to death. They wanted people to die. They wanted people to die. And now you're hanging on whether or not their little princess is happy and the queen.

Fuck off. No, as you know. Wait. No, as you know, wait, if anything, to your delight, if anything, I'm pressing pause on the ProMegan button for sure. Oh, good. Oh, yeah. No, but you're still interested. You're still interested.

Why are you interested? Who gives a shit? No, this was my lead. My lead was the world finally got to see Oprah do an unscripted interview and she sucks at it. She was fucking doddering and lost. Didn't follow up questions when they needed to be followed up. Really did not understand Megan at some point. Megan was trying to clarify the taking away of security like timeline thing, but was missing the bigger point. And even Megan like had to be patient with her, like, right.

That also Oprah would just restate what the answer she just got as if it was a revelation. Like I should have written them down, but she did it like, no, that's what they do on 60 minutes. That's it makes 60 minutes. It's hard to watch the way all they do is summarize what the person just said. It's it's like it was as if oprah was doing a show for children and it's like it's like oh they took away my past which is like so they took away your past it's like and the you leave the the subject being interviewed like yes which i had just told you yes like now at one point Megan said

that they asked about what skin tone the child would have and Oprah took a long pause and then she went what? like what is that? that's the follow-up question? what question mark?

what does that leave the interviewer to do? also and by the way that what was used as a meme by Colbert and a bunch of other people, which led to an outcry from the black community. Well, I shouldn't say the black community. There were certain people associated with the black community that said that's called black facing. When you take a reaction from a black person that seems that they are overreacting and you put it out there or a black thumbs up in your text, that's called black facing and white people shouldn't do it. Black facing is a pretty strong term.

Yeah. I don't know about that. Yeah. Don't do it. I'm looking for our dumb text chain. But anyway, Oprah was a disaster. You have to understand how scripted you and I both worked in this world. But any talk shows, not only is Oprah, of course, scripted. Here are the questions.

The questions have already been asked numerous times to the subject and they get the answers. And so then they go back to the host and say, when you ask him about his new movie, he's going to tell you this funny story about this. And then the segment producer then pitches the follow-up question, which will tee up like his next story. You know what I mean? So poor Oprah, without a script, just blows at interviewing. Absolutely blows at it. Speaking of blowing at it, how about Piers Morgan who got,

I think he got fired. You never know if someone's fired or they quit. But he had a little, he had some things to say. I think the history of that was he'd had Meghan Markle on his show and he'd interviewed her, and then she no longer wanted to be interviewed by him

because he was saying racist things. The British press was saying all out, saying monkey references to her and really horrific shit. And he was a part of that, so she didn't want to come on anymore. So he was kind of going after her and then uh he got fired for it i don't know you could get fired from the british press he didn't get fired he quit i think he quit i don't know about that yeah well they were friends so she ghosted him you know about that whole Yeah. Do you listen to what I'm saying when I'm talking? No, I was looking something up.

So anyway, did you read these quotes? I didn't listen. No, go ahead. He goes, I'm sorry. I don't believe a word that she says. I wouldn't believe her if she read me a weather report. And she sparked an onslaught against the royal family. And then so then he leaves the show and he walked out and then he walked back on when there was like a little altercation with his. I think it was a weatherman on this piece of garbage morning show, just like our piece of garbage morning shows. But then since then, he has left the show.

And it was kind of funny. He's left the show. I am not pro Piers Morgan. Do not get me wrong. I fucking hate that guy. He's their Geraldo Rivera, just attention whore. So, uh, he goes, he's, he's leaving the show to spend more time with his opinions. I thought that was funny. But on Monday, Piers Morgan on Twitter said, on Monday, I said I didn't believe Meghan Markle in her Oprah interview. I've had time to reflect on this opinion and I still don't. I like it. I can't believe he lasted on CNN for as long as he did. I never met anybody that didn't hate him. Did I tell you I was actually in Nate Now's the morning after Pierce's premiere in Larry King's seat? And Larry King eats there constantly.

This is Nate Now's. This is an old delicatessen, old school delicatessen in Beverly Hills. I'm sitting there and in walks Larry King to a table full of old guys is like cronies, right? And he had printed all the negative reviews of Pierce Morgan. Really? And spread them around the table and goes, oh, look at this one.

Swear to God, it was hysterical. That's amazing. Because it was really panned. Like, it was not good. Is he upper crust or does he come from the lower classes? What's his deal? I can never tell with that accent.

Oh, no. No, he grew up poor and had a very weird, I think, made it at first in Atlanta. He went to jail, you know, gambling. No, no, he's like, he's a weird story. He's a fascinating story, actually. Yeah.

But Brooklyn, grew up in Brooklyn. What? Of course. Oh, you're talking about, no, not Larry King, asshole. I'm talking about Piers Morgan. Yeah, grew up in Brooklyn, went to jail for gambling. You know. Let me see what I texted the next day.

Oh, yeah, that whole interview could have been done without an interviewer also. They had an agenda to sit down. The agenda was, she didn't cry, I cried. That's number one. Why we left, we did not blindside the family with leaving. We're good, they're bad, and the queen gets a pass. That was their agenda. And Oprah basically only got in the way and had them repeat shit

that was unnecessary to repeat. So fucking stupid. Who wants to be a part of the royal family? I mean, it's like, to what? What's your goal? To perpetuate some kind of centuries old weird puppet fucking family where everybody's eyes are too close together with giant foreheads and fucking pasty white skin? Look at me for a second.

Yeah. Hey, what about when Oprah's like, what? I guess another blackface reaction. Like, so you feel trapped? Like to, you know, referring to princes and princesses. It's like, wait, you feel trapped? It's like, are you, have you heard of the crown? Which, by the way, is like the 80th time that story has been told.

Yeah. Do you know about Queen Elizabeth? Like the whole thing is trapped. She didn't pick this job. Like, are you, like, what the fuck? Why does someone so unqualified get to interview them? All right. So let's get to your whole thing because I don't have a whole thing. I thought you had a whole thing about,

you wanted to see the other side with the Royal family. I'm just saying we it's again, it's a little like the, and I'm coming down on the mug and I guess the unpopular side, you know, it's unpopular. The truth. That's what's unpopular.

You fucking assholes listening. So anyway, we've heard one side of the story. So lot of places then fact-checked right as much as they could but archie's royal title the duchess implied that baby archie huh that's their baby yeah and what color is archie he's way more white uh than than i was expecting no No, I have no idea. I don't fucking follow that shit. Yeah. Also, if I'm Oprah and they're like, and we were asked, what exactly did she say? They were there. There was an inquiry into how black the, the, the, the degree to which the baby would seem black. Like, what was it?

How white it's going to be? Yeah. I know it was skin color, but it was asked a certain way. I would have been like, well, does this person think you have a crystal? Wait, I would have been like, wait, how was the question asked? Like, that's even a racist wouldn't ask that question hey hey hey what skin color do you think your kid's gonna be like uh even if i went to med school you know i can't answer you right you know no one knows that answer right and why would they be asking that and what you would have

found is it's total hearsay it would be hilarious if Archie came out and he was fucking dark black. So the Dutchess implied that baby Archie was entitled to a royal title, but was refused one on the basis of his skin color. Not, it's not that simple under current protocols, children and male line grandchildren of the monarch are entitled to be called prince or princess. Therefore, as discussed by Megan in the interview, Archie still could become a prince when his grandfather becomes king. I wonder if they ever asked, will he be lighter or darker than Prince, the musician?

I'm doubting that, Greg. Because I think even they have standards with their jokes, and I don't think they would have gone there. This is my favorite one. That Megan didn't know what she was getting into. Yeah, I love that. That was hilarious. She didn't, quote, quote, I didn't do any research about what that would mean. She said of the prospect of entering the royal family,

quote, I never looked up my husband online. Well, Megan's maid of honor at her first wedding to Trevor Engelson has said the Duchess was, quote, always fascinated by the royal family. She wants to be Princess Diana 2.0. Well, she failed that way because Princess Diana lasted a lot longer than Meghan did. Oh, shit. Yeah, I said it. No, you didn't. Yeah, I said it did Megan's half sister, Samantha Marco claims her sister knew more about the royal family than she led on pointing out. She visited Buckingham Palace as a teenager. And there's photos of her posing in front of Buckingham Palace.

Samantha went on as far as far as to claim her sister had been, quote, strategizing to get close to Harry and even studied Princess Diana's mannerisms. Oh. Quote, Meghan went to great lengths to study Diana, to mimic her clothing, to mimic her body language, and to wear Diana's perfume on their first date, Samantha said. Now, that totally turns me on. Whenever Erin dresses like my mom and wears her perfume, I get fucking crazy.

When I smell my mom, you better hold me back. You got my mom smell on you. Forget about it. So listen, this is also hearsay. So let's take away even Samantha's comments and the other person's comments and all that. You are just the biggest moron walking the earth if you don't have any knowledge of the world.

So everyone has more knowledge about the royal family. So you don't know history, for example. Yeah. You don't know history about the biggest family on planet Earth. Or pop culture. Both. And then you're marrying into it, and you just, she said that everything she knew, he told her. So that's, I guess, like all she needed.

Oh, really? How did they meet? They met the night, actually, after she first met pierce morgan she met pierce morgan in his pub swear to god and um because they had been friends they had an online relationship with pierce she had with pierce morgan dming she would send him early episodes of suits all that shit anyway she then went to some function and met him later that night i think in london went to some function and met him later that night, I think, in London at a fundraiser, I believe. So you think she was making that connection with Piers Morgan so she could meet Harry?

No, no. Piers actually never made it there. And then Piers wasn't invited to the, which he was very sore about, not invited to the wedding as well. But anyway, the problem is like, really, you don't know what you're getting into. I mean, it's like one of the most famous stories. Also, you are marrying the guy whose mom many people feel the monarchy killed. Yeah. very least what is fact is her unbelievably, unbelievably intense and long struggle with an incredibly, according to Diana, his mom mean and seriously flawed family. Like, so,

you know that, right? Well, they asked if they ever watched The Crown, and they lied so bad when they went a little bit, or sometimes, like, no, you've seen every fuck. If there was a series on the biggest streaming site that's their biggest hit of all time, and it's about your family,

you're not going to watch the whole thing. Come on. You're not going to watch the whole thing. Come on. You're in it? Yeah. You're in it. Your mom's in it. Your brother's in it. You're not going to watch it?

Also, just the headlines and just through. It's everywhere. But also, your mom, this guy's mom fought like crazy to get out of that family. She couldn't take it anymore. Same types of things as you. Like, all of a sudden, she was starving herself to death. I don't know all the details about Diana, but I'm sure suicide crossed her mind. It's probably documented.

No, no. Yeah, they talked about it in the documentary about her, that she was suicidal. In her own words? Now I sound as pathetic as you, knowing a lot about the royal family. Should we talk about the Golden Girls now? In her own words? um, all over. And then, so, and you don't know the Royal family's racist. You know, what about when you landed in their colony called South Africa, which you did and, and put on a good face representing the family. Any idea what South Africa is based on? Right. Anything?

Right. The colonizing royal family? Oh, there was a great clip. There might have been some racial overturns with colonizing the world. Yeah, there was this great clip of one of these old dukes, and he was defending this accusation during this whole thing about the royal family being uh racist and he and he literally said oh i gotta find the clip he literally said um how can we be racist we have we have colonized people of all different races and then the clip

showed a picture of uh the king and queen being carried on one of those fucking sleds by a bunch of uh black uh uh people in africa hold let me find it and they're all looking the oprah's what is that kind of like the black guy in the boat in uh caddyshack you know when he sees it he does the giant exaggerated big wide-eyed expression yeah yeah i think it's that that's what they're talking about yeah i don't know yeah i think it's the i think it's how uh uh buckwheat was that the black kid in little rascals yes he was always making that that round mouth surprised look i think that's what they're calling black face i don't think they own that all right all right All right. All right. Let's get to it. Let's get to our own royal family.

Cuomo. There it is. We grew up with Cuomo's dad as the governor, Anthony Cuomo. Or Mario. Oh, Mario, I mean. Yeah. And now Andrew Cuomo. I love Mario Cuomo.

There's a reason he didn't run for president. They were saying it was mafia ties. But might it have been women? I don't know. Go ahead. So basically, you know, the story is whether or not and can we really count when you're talking about a male who's overly aggressive and sexual with women and demeaning? Can't we put Italian in parentheses next to that to give the rest of us a pass? Because this is such Italian behavior. They're handsy. You know, listen, blacks tend to find the camera and do a big exaggerated face. And Italians are handsy. These are just truths, people. That's right. And Irish people are fascinated by the royal family. Yeah. That's right. And Irish people are fascinated by the royal family.

Yeah. So he basically is accused now by this woman, Jessica Baikman, when she was younger, that he often touched her without her consent. Quote on my arms, my shoulders, the small of my back and my waist. That's the that's the charge here, people. Hey, do you think Saturday Night Live could do that sketch today with the Italian waiters? You remember which one I'm talking about? No. A couple goes in and they're like, oh, senorita, and they're in an Italian restaurant and, you know, it's a lot of heavy accent and, oh, I'll bring you the, you know, pinot grigio, and they're like, wow, this is so authentically Italian to the couple. And they're like, yeah, it is.

And they then progressively start touching her more and more. And then they're literally humping her. Like three waiters are humping her. We'll get the pasta out. And he's like, hey, hey. Like it's such a funny sketch. They did it a few times. Yeah.

But I don't know if they could do that now no and i wonder if italian people statistically get in trouble for this stuff more often because they even do it with other men italian men are always like touching each other's faces and they hug each other they kiss each other on the lips and they when they want to kill them yeah sicilian. They slap them on the face affectionately. So now there's calls from guess who? Fucking Gillibrand coming on and saying Kristen Jill, Kristen Gillibrand, who's the senator from New York and also Charles Schumer, who needs to shut the fuck up. But but Gillibrand, especially she's the one that cost us al franken who was like the biggest that was the worst loss for the democrats since fucking kennedy was shot

that was he was the future of the party no i'm serious oh she is a she is a one issue fucking uh don't get me started but don't get him started on women... Don't get him started on women. I know, this is sounding a little bit sexist, I guess. But I just think that what he did was not... Nothing he did is in line with, like, let's deal with the coronavirus right now. Let's deal with the fucking amount of jobs New York City has lost. Let's talk about the subway system in New York.

Not whether or not he touched somebody on the back, waist, and shoulder. Greg, loud and clear, don't believe women. Got it. We got it. I don't think you have to go on about it anymore. I do believe them. I believe that he touched her back, shoulder, and arm. I believe that he touched her back, shoulder and arm. So I believe it.

You know, when my when Cuomo was doing very was getting very, very lot of, you know, accolades and praise during his handling of the virus from. Don't say handling. Don't say handling. Oh, sorry. You're right. His massaging of the sort of anyway, he I brought to my dad. Yeah, I'm not not really a my dad. He's like, yeah, I'm not, not really a big fan. I'm like, wow. You know, here's, you know, you would think he

would totally be. And he goes, no, you know, back in the day, you know, they would like, they would be like in bars, like with the, with the Pete Hamels and Jimmy Breslin's like, we're in New York. You have to understand like very much after work, there would be these very sort of intellectual like at bars. And anyway, I might have even been in Maliki McCourt's bar. And he's like, you know, the Cuomo brothers would come in and he goes, they were very, very, very cocky and felt they could do no wrong. You know, they were they definitely had, you know,

their dad was the governor of New York and incredibly powerful. And, you know, they had gone to like St. John's law school and I don't know if both of them went there, but like they just were incredibly cocky, like an entitled. And it was really interesting hearing that then. Yeah. And I cannot stand Chris Cuomo. I can't watch him for us. He is such, he. He's such a gigantic ego. Yeah. I just can't take I just can't take him. Now, CNN has really turned into a network with these these fucking egos. Don Lemon, that guy is fucking terrible. He's long pauses. And he's like he's he's he's just so like polemic. He's so full of his own voice. And he's dramatic. He's really, really dramatic. Yeah. Yeah. I don't buy it.

He looks at himself in the mirror a lot. Oh, boy. So, yeah, what's going to happen? I mean, he's refusing to resign. He's refusing to resign and he may not have a choice much longer. 14 out of New York's 19 House Democrats called for him to step down. So it's going to be a rocky week and he hasn't really spoken up that much. He hasn't defended himself that much. Well, he said he's not giving in to cancer culture. Cancel culture? He's stealing something out of the Republican playbook. I don't know. That's my question for you. Is cancel culture a Democratic thing?

I mean, I think there's people like us that are Democrats that hate cancel culture as much as the right. Why do they get that? Well, we pride ourselves often on being on the wrong side of the issue. So we're not exactly the best place to look. No, that's true. It, of course, is a Republican talking point. That's all it is. So look, now that's true. It, of course, is a Republican talking point.

That's all it is. That's all they did is they lost a week talking about Dr. Seuss as if Dr. Seuss was canceled. Dr. Seuss canceled himself. Yeah, I know. That was a total misinterpretation. Oh, people can't. Tucker Carlson did a whole fucking thing. Of course. Tucker Carlson's whole thing is false premise. Let me give you a false premise. So, oh, did someone say defunding the police? Okay, here's my premise. There are no police. So when they come rape you, there's nobody to call because defunding the police means there's no such thing as police. That's my premise. Yeah.

Anyway. Well, if they come and rape you, call the cat in the hat. Also in New York, another big New York story. Here we go. Jenny from the block and A-Rod from the Yankees. Still together. Here's how you know your relationship is not going well. When you have to get together on a Saturday morning and say,

Hey, everybody, we're still together. Yeah. There was rumors the day before that there was, you know, some rocks in the marriage. And they have been in a relationship since 2017. They're engaged. This will be the fourth marriage for Lopez. Here's the deal.

She's hot. She's a great dancer. She's rich. I don't want to be anybody's quadruple seconds. There's no way that person is good at marriage if they failed three times already. I mean, she's going to age well physically. Mentally is another story. Yes. And by the way, I thought, God, this really sounds like an anti-woman podcast. When they heard divorce with Mark Anthony, they were like children and they like were like competing with their with the fuck the headlines were like, it's like you have young children. Yeah. You're a fucking mom.

Stop acting like an Instagram 17 year old. And then that's all it is now is like, Oh my God, look at my pussy on the halftime show. I'm going to put it right in the camera. Yeah. And it's, I don't know.

It's she's an entertainer. I i get it but i do think there's a really how many guys do you think missed the third quarter after that show i mean the the big message is uh it's what's on the outside that counts that's yeah look at the guys she's dated ben affleck i mean come on these on. These are good-looking guys. But then he was with Madonna. Was he married to Madonna or they just dated? This is news to me, Greg. Yeah.

No, no. Chris Denman. Hold on. Our producer Chris Denman on the Google Doc just wrote that they just dated. I don't remember a Madonna-Ben Affleck chapter.

He said he knows it because anytime somebody dates outside their race, he marks it in his diary. Huh. Yeah. Wait, are we talking about Ben Affleck and Madonna? No, they're the same race. No, I think I was talking about— Although Boston, I give Boston a different race. They're the angriest race.

Yeah, he's a fuck up. No, Affleck dated J-Lo. That's well known. A-Rod dated Madonna. There's the confusion. Right. All right. These whites and Latinas can't keep it in their pants.

Well, they're New Yorkers. Latinos to Latin Latinxs. Let's do some Florida Man. You didn't want to do this story. You didn't want to do this story. Well, you know, you're in charge of collecting the Florida Man stories. I liked it. Ocala, however you pronounce that, Ocala, Florida.

42 year old man was driving his motorcycle westbound on State Road 40 at 11 p.m. Thursday night when he hit a bear that was standing in the lane. The bear was killed on the scene. That's the tragedy here. And the driver was taken to an area hospital where he was later pronounced dead. The motorcyclist was not wearing a helmet at the time of the crash, troopers said. The reason?

He was in Florida. Florida just lets them decide, hey, you want to wear a helmet or not? And they don't. It just feels like this Florida man story is missing the part where the guy then steals an ATM out of a 7-Eleven or he fucks the carcass of the bear. Yeah. What's act three? What's act three of this story?

I have your act three what's act three of this story i i have your act three on impact when the motorcycle hit the bear cocaine exploded out of the bear there it is because it was a south american bear that was stuffed with drugs to get across the border so what cauliflower is down south I guess it's near the, like what, uh, but picture the bear, the bears standing there. It's pitch black. It's right near the, it was right near the state park. I think it might even be Ocala state park or whatever. And, uh, it's a black bear I think. And, uh, stands up in the lane is like, what the fuck is this helmet list lunatic doing flying up the road at me?

Yeah, why didn't he get out of the way? He didn't hear Sweet Home Alabama coming out of the guy's speakers on his motorcycle? He didn't see the guy doing a key bump as he's driving a motorcycle, trying for the cocaine not to blow away? He didn't see the station wagon behind the motorcycle of the ex-wife chasing him down for child support? Yeah. All the kids awake of just kids who are not supported behind him.

The three cops that were chasing him for the DUI? Yeah. The bear's sense of smell is so good. He couldn't smell the bath salts from a few exits away. This is what was missing from this story. Alright, you want to do the horoscope? By the way, maybe, you know, everyone does Florida Man. Maybe that's

our take. We take a straightforward Florida Man story, and we zhuzh it with Florida Ness. Yes, we cut and paste. We take, it's almost like, I remember sometimes, somebody was shitting on late night

talk show monologues and how it was always just like, you have to pick a Kardashian, put it in this column, pick something they did wrong, put it in that column and then you can write the joke. So Florida Man kind of writes itself. But that's the thing that's crazy about it.

But they're real stories. Yeah. Horoscope? Horoscope. You and I, as people know, are both Aries. So we're only covering Aries. Aries. We're bitches, but we're cool. By the way, you're saying we're covering Aries, but you know what?

It's really for everyone because this is made up mumbo jumbo. So it's weird that we would like take possession over this one weird, unfounded, based in nothing prediction. Yeah. It's like being born into the Catholic Church. We'll get to that. A fabulous career. Listen, this is not really worth reading for everything I just said,

but also because it seems that this horoscope, which is horoscope.com, which I assume is the New York Times of horoscopes, always wants us, maybe these are accurate, it always wants us to change our job. A fabulous career break could come your way today, Aries. It could be a raise, promotion, or even a new job in a new field.

Please, fellas, consider stop podcasting. Look for other opportunities. Do you think JobSeeker.com is the main sponsor for Horoscope.com? Also, Horoscope.com, I think, is unaware of the pandemic. It could also involve a completely different location. The work you will be doing may be unlike anything you've ever done before, and that's a challenge. Don't worry! doing may be unlike anything you've ever done before, and that's a challenge.

Don't worry! Change is necessary if you're to reach your maximum potential. Go with the flow, Gregory. Where am I going to flow to? That's what I've got to figure out. Detroit. Detroit. Yes.

Cheap housing, and they're on the bound. They're on the rebound. I know. Everybody's talking about how it's the new Brooklyn, Detroit. You can get yourself a big loft, and you can do your experimental metal shop art without any neighbors complaining. Detroit podcast. We've got to do one.

Let's do entertainment. Okay. Well, we had a letter. This is also from Holden Caulfield, who wrote us twice this week. Thank you, Holden. Jesus. What is the difference between Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra

when they tied the knot in 1966? Farrow was just 21 years old. Sinatra, when they tied the knot in 1966, Farrow was just 21 years old. Sinatra was 50. Sunyi and Woody, Previn, began a relationship when Previn was 21 and Woody Allen was 52. There's no difference. Mia wanted revenge on Woody for dumping her for her adopted daughter, and she is still pushing the lie. Maybe it was Mia's brother that was molesting Dylan, but mia made it out to be woody for dumping her he is in prison for that very thing well there's a lot of facts being thrown together there um there's a very big difference between

sinatra marrying a 21 year old mia and woody marrying a 21-year-old Mia and Woody marrying a 21-year-old Sunni. Sinatra did not marry his children's sister. Yeah. Yeah. Do I have to say anything more? No. I think that's it. I understand what he's saying in terms of the age difference, but that doesn't hold any water, I don't think.

Sorry to offend Mia this letter comes from my favorite my favorite name of any letter we've gotten Phil McCracken never get tired of hearing that isn't he from was it Phil I know it was McCracken from Slapshot oh

I don't remember that it sounds more like something from the Jerky Boys. Oh, because you're going to fill my crack in. Yeah, fill my crack in. Yeah. But there was a McCracken in Slapshot. Here's one thing I can't shake. While listening to the taped phone calls between Mia and Woody, and she's asking him,

can you just tell me where you were during those 20 minutes when everyone was searching for Dylan? He won't answer and only responds that that will come out in due time. Talk about coaching, this time by lawyers, not Mia. Let's just say you're not a pedophile and someone is implying you did something a pedophile does. Wouldn't you be screaming, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you insane? Woody didn't, and that leaves an impression. Oh, shut up. I think those calls also were out

of context. Listen, both of them were recording calls and yes, absolutely instructed. And any lawyer will tell you, I'm just addressing this again. Don't mix up that. I'm saying he didn't do it or anything like that. What I keep saying is we don't know. And this documentary is a piece of garbage that also doesn't know. Right. I think we're on the same page with that. We're not saying he's innocent.

We're saying this documentary proves nothing. So what I'm saying here is also all lawyers will tell you, especially if you're innocent, don't say anything. You'd be amazed at how it can be used against you. If you get in a car accident with somebody and they come up, don't say, what the fuck did you do? Why did you hit me? Just say, give me your paperwork. Here's my paperwork. And that's it.

And walk away. And take a lot of pictures and videos, especially if you think you're innocent. Anyway, so, and I'm sure, by the way, a lot of that screaming had already happened, but they were now at this stage where it was, you know, litigating and all that stuff. Here's something Scott G brings up that I wasn't aware of, but then I researched and it is absolutely true. Okay. You haven't brought up the point that Mia Farrow in the late 70s was a character witness

for Roman Polanski after he raped a 12-year-old girl. Wait a minute, was she 12? I didn't think she was 12. I thought she was older than that. I know. I think she was 14, maybe. I thought 15, but of course it still sounds terrible. But Jesus Christ, if she was 12, that's even, I'm going to say it, that's even worse.

Yeah, 13, Chris just wrote. Oh, phew. Okay, she's 13. I knew it was a teenager. I'm good now. Wow. Yeah. I knew it was a teenager.

I'm good now. Wow. Yeah. And then this Auntie Rin said, I'll keep this message to under six pages since I respect you. Huh. Thank you. I love hearing from you guys.

Keep it tight. I don't know if you and Mike have seen this article before, but it might be further evidence of Mia Farrow not being an A plus parent. And it's and it's funny. It shows a picture of her that she put out in like an Instagram post. Yep. And and in it, it says it says Mia Farrow and her and her black kids. That's what had been searched. Yeah. That's how they found the image. And she forgot to cut that off when she posted that photo for her daughter's birthday. And it said above the search, the search phrase was still in there. Mia Farrow and her black children. And then she deleted it. Look, this is not a smear campaign about me, a Pharaoh, but kind of is. Well, it's giving the other side. Listen, it is a smear campaign. But what we're doing is

Woody's being smeared like crazy. And these are the two worst parents ever. And and I'm not comparing who's worse, but I'm just we're getting out there that like, please know there's to everything. There's at least three sides, the truth and then his side and her side. Should we talk about what we watched this week that we're very excited about? You didn't watch the Billie Eilish documentary. I'm not signing up for another streaming service. I've already got fucking Showtime, HBO, Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime. What's it on Apple? It's on Apple Plus. I'm not getting another streaming service. I'm done.

Apple costs less than a coffee a month. You know that? Yeah. I don't get a coffee a month. I make it myself. Also, yeah, those are free. Also, you get it free if you buy any product of theirs. Hasn't one of your kids or family got a computer or a phone? Actually, yeah. My son just got a computer. Done. You get it for free.

Is it worth it to see the Billie Eilish documentary? Isn't Ted Lasso on there? There's good things on there. Ted Lasso's on there. The Morning Show is supposed to be very good. The Morning Show is okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It loves itself.

And it's like rich porn, you know, rich New Yorker porn. Yeah. Kind of like the Untangled or whatever it was. Yeah, yeah. But I liked it. It was, you know, clearly very high quality and all that. Is it a love letter to her? What is?

The Billie Eilish? Well, listen, you know, I sometimes look at documentaries like, was this a good documentary or was it just a great subject? You know, like a lot of, a lot of music documentaries are, they're not great. They just go in chronological order. There's no real art to it. And, but the subject matter is undeniable. And this was more of that, like, and also the documentary is taking a lot of credit. Like I would say 80, at least 80 percent of the footage the kids shot themselves when they were nobody's making the albums in their bedroom. kind of like Amy Winehouse did this. Let's build up to, um, her big recognition and awards when she like destroyed it on Grammy night. Like that's going to be the culmination. So let's

work backwards. But Amy, I would say is a much better documentary because Amy was one of those that took you on a little road. Like, Holy shit, man, she was born with a drug habit. Like, oh, it's the divorce. No, no, no, it is that boyfriend. No, no, no, it is the father. Yeah. Yeah, right. Also, she's dead. If Billie Eilish dies, I'll go back and I'll get Apple+.

But we both watched High Maintenance, which you recommended that I've now seen the whole first season of. Great show. Here's what I love about the show, is the star of the show is sort of like he kind of flows in and out of the episode. Sometimes he's barely in the episode and he's great. All right.

I can't remember in, in season. First of all, I've been getting high and watching him. I can't, you know how sometimes the whole first half has nothing to do with second half. I'll be enthralled with the first half. Can even believe like some sometimes it's shocking things like you know

as you get on like i think i was in season three or four like where someone gets really hurt or whatever in the second one i'm now swept away in a new story a new like short story i can't even remember what i watched 15 minutes ago. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the worst at getting. It's like a dream sequence. You know,

there's these stories like there was that one about the girl who just kept taking selfies and spending a lot of money. And then at the end of it, she's just sitting on her bed, crying alone. And then, and then it just ends just 15 minutes. She's not the one who married, who was homeless.

Have you seen the homeless one? Yeah, yeah. I saw that one. All right. So I didn't remember this. Have you seen one where a guy, actually, I think it was back when they were on YouTube. And I remember noting, I'm like, holy shit, they got that guy? And I remember noting, I'm like, holy shit, they got that guy? Because I really liked Time Maintenance when it was online early on. And they got the lead guy from, what's the British show based on Upstairs Downstairs, you know, in the fanciest state. Downton Abbey? They got the lead guy from Downton Abbey, the British actor.

Oh, yeah? And I was like, whoa. And he was a husband and they had a young baby and he would cross-dress. Did you see that one? No. That one was like, because sometimes high maintenance is like, it's like a short story about New Yorkers having nothing to do with even this weed dealer. Right. But it's a short story. That's great. But it's one that's like more of a meditation. It's not going to have that.

Oh, this act three of this short story is really going to pay off. Sometimes they just be under the next story. The short films. Yeah. They're short films. They're not as like tight structurally and all that stuff. This one was perfect.

Yeah. That's all I'm going to say. You should go back and find that one. What is high maintenance on? What channel? HBO? Yes. HBO, Max.

HBO, if you have to have two channels, it should be Netflix and HBO Max. Yeah. HBO really does have the quality. Like, I think they vet their projects as much better than others before buying them, and they know it'll glean, you know, a quality product. All right, let's go around the world. International.

Oh, boy. Okay, guys. I always feel sorry for them. The Vatican is low on reserves. Oh, no. And to cover the deficit, are they going to, you know, they're going to work harder and be more inclusive and do outreach programs? No. Are they going to sell an oil painting that's worth $30 million

that's in a back hallway of the Vatican? No. They're seeking donations. Kind of like a lot of corporations in America, they want handouts. So the Vatican published its 2021 budget and its latest effort at greater financial transparency amid a predicted €50 euro budget deficit this year. I think they're also making new altar boy outfits that that are transparent.

Just the pants. The aim is to reassure donors that their money is being well spent following years of mismanagement. That is currently the focus of a Vatican corruption investigation. The causes of the deficit are reduced donations and revenue from the shuttered Vatican museums and also the persistent worldwide effort of protecting and moving their child rapists and paying settlements to the families of all the children they raped. Right. Which is penance.

I mean, I think that the church goes in and they confess, and their penance is 12 Hail Mary's and $52 billion in payments to families whose children were raped. Talk about filling McCracken's. Yeah, I think they- McCracken is by accurate because it sounds like an Irish crack, huh? Yeah, they reviewed their budget. Apparently, they put a lot of money into butt coin. So when you write that,

when you write that, do you sit back and you're like, yeah, butt coin. No, but when I wrote this one, that's how I felt. They invested in Tesla. He's a 12-year-old Italian boy who used to clean the chalices after mass. Hey, Tesla, come here.

I got something for you to do. You know what? That's a perfect example. Listen, let this be a lesson. For any of you out there who think of us as still as still comedy professionals that this is a very good lesson actually to anybody out there i completely made fun of a piece of shit wordplay with butt coin you then go on which you proudly you know you were very

transparent to use the phrase saying that here comes here comes another wordplay gem. I like that one, though. Yep. I think it's more sophisticated wordplay. So you can't rule out there is wordplay that will get me, even though I'll be on a soapbox saying wordplay is the lowest form of comedy. But you know what? What's funny is funny. It's the same like I used to say

I hated musicals my whole life. Turns out I was wrong. If it's good, I like it. I used to say I hated musical comedy. And then I heard Henry Phillips. I don't know Henry Phillips. Oh, he does stand-up comedy with a guitar. He's fucking great.

Or what's his name? The young kid. Bo Burnham? Yeah, Bo Burnham is fucking great. Or what's his name? The young kid. Bo Burnham? Yeah, Bo Burnham is fucking great. Well, no, same. Someone goes to me, oh, have you seen Flight of the Conchords? I'm like, oh, they do funny songs. I'm like, I'm out.

Because believe it or not, I never, and I hate to say this because I know they're funny, but Jack Black's musical comedy, which odin kirk was a early producer of you know mr show grabbed those guys uh what are they called um chris is writing it now tenacious d tenacious i i it never got me i couldn't get past the i don't like funny songs flight of the concords fucking great auntie donna they got a show on comedy central they've been on my show a Don't like funny songs. Flight of the Concords. Fucking great. Auntie Donna. They got a show on Comedy Central. They've been on my show a few times. They're from Australia.

They do musical comedy. And Spinal Tap, obviously, you know, like so. But I remember the first time seeing, though, what was the Gene Kelly one that blew me away? The musical. Singing in the Rain? I avoided singing like the rain, like the plague. Cause I remember telling friends, like, I can't stand musicals. And they're like, I thought you liked Willy Wonka.

I'm like, I do. And I'm like, that's huh. And like, I thought you liked the Grinch. I'm like, I do. And like, there was like five of those examples of like, where my mind had made exceptions. And, um, and then. Holy shit.

Singing in the rain. If singing in the rain isn't in a top 10 movies of all time list, I no longer respect that list. Yeah, it's unbelievable. It's great. So anyway, good luck to the Vatican. What about Grease? Did you like Grease, the movie?

Eh, but you're right. Really? I didn't really view it as a, I did, but I didn't really view it as a musical. Of course it's a musical. It was a musical on Broadway before it was a movie. I didn't really view it as a I did, but I didn't really view it as a musical. Of course, it's a musical. It was a musical on Broadway before it was a movie. I can't watch Rent where the stage direction is the song. That's my mom calling on the phone, calling on the phone. The answering machine is recording her.

No fucking stick that up your ass. Well, you know, in France, oscars are called the caesar awards or caesar oh after caesar chavez of course and a french actress stripped naked at this uh this year's awards to demand more support for the country's struggling arts industry which was hit hard by the coronavirus pandemic. Actress Corinne Macielo, 57. Oh, you had me till 57. If you're trying to get eyeballs on the screen, I don't think. Anyway, she took the stage. Oh, boy.

This is a bro podcast all of a sudden. Go ahead. She was wearing a fake donkey skin and bloodstained dress to present the award for best costume before undressing the actress had no culture no future written on her torso and give us our art back jean on her back uh cinemas and theaters been closed since october 30th no. I'll tell you what. I like the commitment. I like the commitment the French make.

I mean, how does, you know, so much for Susan Sarandon and a fucking, you know, rainbow striped ribbon. Oh, that's bold. First of all, she went to the first half of this dressed as Lady Gaga in her donkey skin and blunstained dress. Yeah. I looked it up online, and she seems to also be protesting razors and shaving cream. Huge bushes under her armpits.

And she puts her arms up in the air. She should be like, listen, correct things, make things right, and I'll shave my pits. Yeah, but she went fully nude. That's allowed in France, isn't it? We've got to start getting the Césars.

I mean, they're a big deal and you can't watch them. Which, by the way, did you watch Call My Agent? Not yet. I should. So good. I can't believe I'm saying a French sitcom is good. It's hard to believe, but it is. It's very funny. Okay.

All right, let's get to some sports. Sports, kids, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. Sports, sports, sports, sports. As you know, I don't really care about sports, but March Madness begins this week, Gregory. Wait, what do you mean you don't care about sports? I mean, I do, but, you know, as I've gotten older, some people get more into sports as they get older.

There kind of has to be a story there. Yeah. You know, I used to be a diehard New York Rangers fan. And then actually when they won, it was weird. When the Rangers won, I think it was 94, it changed because we were the lovable losers. We were like the Cubs of hockey. Like we hadn't won, you know, everyone would chant 1940.

And it really changed your identity. And then I watched the Red Sox were basically the New York Rangers of baseball in addition to the Cubs. Yeah. And I was wondering if it changed their dynamic because, I mean, that was their whole persona. That was their whole being a Red Sox fan was always slighted always left shorthanded always bucky dented and um and boy it didn't and i think you realize what a true asshole is is like they got a taste of blood and they just didn't want it to stop and somehow seemed angrier yeah and then they wanted the fucking Pats to win every year. And just, it was like, they were rabid.

Yeah. So, there's that. Now, there was a year where, I don't know if, you had New England won the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the Bruins were in the stanley cup finals i believe one year and it almost happened with tampa bay because the tampa lightning won the stanley cup the uh the buccaneers won the super bowl and then they made it to the yeah the loss of the dodgers in the world series i mean and that's fucking tampa that's like a little third tier city and they don't need a reason to celebrate or party tampa that's right so we're city baby when we moved to boston it it was the most infamous and famous like uh world series game six against the mets

1986 perfectly boston lose it And before that, the Patriots were absolutely humiliated by the Chicago Bears, where they let the fridge run in for, they were just having fun trouncing them. They let the fridge run in for a touchdown. Remember that? The team was so cocky, they did a music video

called the Super Bowl Shuffle before the Super Bowl. Remember with Eric McMahon with the reflector sunglasses on? I don't think it was Eric, but yeah. McMahon, somebody McMahon. Yeah. So I will, though, always hate them for not, they let, you know, their linemen,

they let the fridge score a touchdown, but Walter Payton did not score a touchdown in the Super Bowl. Do you know what else happened on that day in history? No idea. First night I ever did stand-up comedy. In Boston, on the night that the Patriots lost by fucking double digits. Wow. Yep, cold night.

Was anybody in the club? It was half empty, but you know who was in the club was like Dan Brickner, Liz Ross, Jeff Ginn. Like I had it stacked with friends because you I got on and, uh, and I didn't, that's not when I started doing standup full on, but that's the first time I tried it. What a tragic night for Boston. Why are you crying? Cause of the world, this guy Fitzsimmons. Jesus Christ. Thank you for making us forget our Superbowl embarrassment. Oh, it was all word play. It was, I mean, talk about embarrassment. Okay, March Madness. You ready?

Here's the deal. So a few years ago, our good friend Rabih, he bet the over on every single game, right? And he did it with Vegas and he won. And he was bragging to me like, dude, I figured it out. I'm like, oh yeah. I go, what did you figure out? He goes, they underestimate, you know, that these kids play with heart.

I'm like, they do. He's like, I go, the algorithm. Absolutely. You're saying it underestimates that the college kids play with heart. And he's like, yes. He's like, you just got to take the over. So I listened to this complete fucking moron say this for a year and he goes are you in again you know to what i figured out he's

like oh yeah i forgot you had to figure it out so um and they didn't figure it out when they made the mistake last year paying you the money and he's like no i'm like listen idiot let's cut the middleman out of it so you don't pay a vig i'll take every single under and i go how much do you bet and he goes 100 a game i'm like what i was like what whoa because there's like 63 games or whatever the fuck it is right i'm like what it might even be more than that and so i'm like wait a minute hold on and he goes but he goes listen and it's kind of genius he goes, but he goes, listen, and it's kind of genius. He goes, a hundred gets you involved and it's crazy. But in the end, statistically speaking, you're only going to be up or down a few hundred bucks.

You know what I mean? Because they have it so accurate. They have the line on the over under. So I go, fine, I'll take the under. So I take the under and he gives me a big speech. He's like, okay, listen, asshole, we're not friends. I'm like, come again. He's like, okay, listen, asshole, we're not friends. I'm like, come again. He's like, we're not.

When this is done, it's not like, oh, you know what? You owe me a lot of money. Just buy me a steak. He's like, when you owe me a lot of money, you're not just going to like, I'm not going to let you take me to dinner. You're paying me every dollar. Otherwise, I'll bet with the casino. Who's not my friend. I'm like, fine, whatever.

You mean the way you had to pay me the money after the Superbowl this year, after the bucks fucking. I paid you. Dominated. Within a half hour. Yep. On Venmo. So I go, no problem.

I went $1,100 off him that year. No shit. He's livid. And he goes, he goes, listen, I have to pay you in increments. So my wife doesn't find out.

I'm like, you know, Ruby, you're my friend. If you want to just take me to, he's like, fuck you, asshole. So he paid me $1,100. He goes, but you know what this means. We're going to do this every single year till eventually I'm back to even. So we did it the next year. And get this, the next year, it's an odd number of games obviously because the finals um it was 100 difference that's how accurate the thing was but i would be you're i would be so into a game screaming at it like an old man like fundamentals don't shoot the ball you're up

don't turn but a kid will get in there they put him in in the fourth quarter with a minute left and he's gonna launch a three why because he's gonna be running some fucking you know used car outlet or something like that but he wants to claim in the show the big show he drained a three you know what i mean yeah right so it's a it's an amazing bet so this is the third year you're doing the bet no no this no. This was like eight years ago. And then two years ago, we didn't do it last year. Oh, there was no last year. And by the way, just for the record, the guy that was spreading out the payments so his wife doesn't find out, name is Rabih?

Rabih, man. Rabih does. And his wife listens to the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Steph. So and then one year what we did was we teamed up. So I think it was like me and Malloy took the unders and I forget who would be paired up with, but listen, I mean, you are so into it and screaming like crazy. And of course, overtimes can completely

F you, uh, with the, with, you know, it sends it into overs, but I would do that bet. It's a great, it's one of the best bets in sports. All right, I'll do it with you. So you want the unders and you want me to take the overs? I don't know what to think this year. You think there there's, there's going to be reduced fans. So maybe I'm going to, so maybe the over under lines are going to be reduced i don't know right i like never i have never once in my life oh no that's not true the last time i watched college basketball was back when uh it was the early 80s and my dad was a huge st john's fan so we used to watch st john's when they were really good remember they played georgetown when it was

like patrick of course yeah and chris mull I think, was playing for St. John's. Mullins, yeah. Chris Mullins, yeah. No, totally. That is literally the last time I've watched college basketball. No, all new names like Sleepy Floyd. And now I couldn't tell you a single college player now. Yeah.

Anyway, so one funny story. I went down to a bachelor party. So maybe this bet's over 10 years old. I went down to a bachelor party in New Orleans for my roommate from college, Tom Kelly. So we're all down there and and they're like, oh, you know, we walked around that morning, all hung over brunch, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, we're heading back and napping. I'm like, all right, I'm going to go try to find some of these games because I have one hundred dollars on it. Like there was like six games going on. I had $600 in play.

So they were staying in this new cool part of town, which was very undeveloped. And there was like nothing really there. It was east. I think it was over towards the Ninth Ward. It was east of the French Quarter. I find this one bar that's open. I go in and I realize it's a total gay bar and the TV's not on. So I walk up to the guy, I'm like, Hey,

is there any way you play the put the game on? And I am mimicking this based on what I saw. So don't give me shit. Anybody who's like, he's like, look who wants the sports on. And I'm like, listen, I'm actually not that into sports. He's like, you're the one asking for it. And I'm like, by the way, you don't have to turn it on. And he's like, listen, I'm actually not that into sports. He's like, you're the one asking for it. And I'm like, by the way, you don't have to turn it on. And he's like, what's your story? And I'm like.

Let me just explain, sir. There's going to be 10 sweaty, 6'3", beautiful men bouncing off each other. Yeah. So I go. He's just mocking me. He's like, what's your story? And I'm like, and I tell him, the $100 bet. He's like, well, your story? And I'm like, and I tell him the a hundred dollar bet. He's like, well, that sounds fun. We're going to put it on. So they put it on.

So it's, this game is a complete blowout. And I bet by the end of this, you can Google who this was. And maybe it was six years ago. I think it's more, maybe it's seven or eight years ago, complete blowout. And I'm like, Oh good. Like I've won this one. And, uh, but they wouldn't change the channels. And so I'm talking to these guys and they're great. And all of a sudden I hear from the announcer, Oh, he's doing this. And I'm like, what's he doing? And the losing coach, I guess, decided to teach his kids an example, whatever it was. So it was make a shot. The other team gets it, foul them immediately.

And he did this with like two minutes left. And I think they were down by like 26 points with, no, it was 26 points with a little over a minute left. Make a shot, immediately foul them. Two foul shots or one foul shot or whatever it was. Run down the court, score, immediately foul them two foul shots or one foul shot, whatever it was, run down the court score, immediately foul them when they get the ball. I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Anyway, they do this when they should have just dribbled out the clock. And I forget it was over 20 points were scored in the last minute. shit but but my gays are like are they even allowed to do

this this is crazy like what look what's all of them got but there's so much more into it because every foul involves a guy wrapping his sweaty arms around another guy doesn't it tell all your homophobic jokes but these were my gays we were thicker than thieves and they were more into this game than i was and they were outraged outraged that they could do this they fucking ran up the score they ruined my under they got the over by scoring over 20 points and get this the fucking guy still lost by 18 points. Damn. Yes. Are we still recording? Speaking of sports, and maybe we shouldn't speak much more about sports because that was riveting.

All right. Skip science. My cousin, Denny McCarthy. Oh, boy. Who is, well, actually, he's my first cousin, Dennis McCarthy's son. My first cousin, Dennis McCarthy's son. He is a professional golfer. Professional golfer who got a hole-in-one during the— wait, what tournament's going on right now? Is it the PGA?

Who cares? It's one of the big tournaments this year. He got a hole-in-one. He's barely involved a bar full of gay dudes. And he was in the players' tournament. And he was in third place when I started recording this. I don't know where he is right now, but he's 28,

and he comes from the whitest family of all time, the McCarthy family from Silver Spring, Maryland. Greatest people. Seven kids. It's my Uncle Frank. My Uncle Frank was a great golfer, and he did a thing that is rarely done in golf, which is he shot his age.

When he was 71 years old, he shot a 71. Nice. It's very difficult to do that. He actually got a mention in Sports Illustrated for doing that. Cool. So then just before he died, he saw his grandson become pro. I believe right before he died, he saw him go pro. So congrats to Denny. I don't know how the terminal finish out. I should check on where what his standings are.

Hold on. I'm checking the stand. You check that. Well, I apologize. I hope when I was mimicking the gay bartender, it didn't it didn't get too loud because I did look down at my levels and the machine just said over the top. Danny McCarthy? Oh, shit. He's three over par today, so he is now in 27th place. What's the tournament? The players. It's not a major, but it's like practically a major.

All right, let's wrap this up. You're not feeling well. All right. Jesus on cue. Forget science. Let's go right to business. OK. As you know, we're checking in on the the the. Investopedia, not Investopia, Investopedia tournament, which is now up to like almost 300 people. I might start betting this week because I think the market's going to go down. Mark my words, everybody. It will go up.

Mark my words. If you want to get involved, go to Investopedia, scroll down. There's a lot of people in this thing now. It's called Sundayay papers pod and uh right now it is in first place is the guy who was in second place last week and he now has two hundred and seven thousand no two hundred and fifty thousand dollars starting with a hundred thousand he's up he's up 150 i think apparently somebody wrote in a note that said the guys in first and second place, because there's a huge drop-off after second place, have made their money on the GameStop run-up.

They've been trading with options on GameStop. So that could go away very quickly. Oh, yeah. No, I mean, options, you know, who knows? When are we doing this? Till July? All right. I'll get it.

Meanwhile, I've gone from $100,000 up to, I'm at $101,000 right now after three weeks. Okie doke. And you're still at $100,000. Yeah, I haven't really, although I value my money sitting there, hasn't gone down, but I will...

That's the spirit. I'm going to start trading this week. Okay. This day in history. Jack Ruby. What did he do? Did he die? I don't know.

You're the one who pasted this story in here. What did he do? Jack Ruby. die i don't know you're the one who pasted the story in here what did he do uh jack ruby originally uh he operated strip joints dance halls in dallas hold on we have a bio how about this it's a new contest why is jack ruby on this day in history because you do not you you do not detail it's not in the story it's just i think i cut out the first paragraph when i cut and pasted it you talk about january 1967 when he died yep you talk about october you talk about you talk about in 64. The Warren Commission in 64. All right. So we'll skip that one. Well, wait a minute. So what I honestly don't even know what date it is.

So Jack Ruby killed. What's his name, Lee Harvey Oswald, right? Right. And then our friend, of course, Tom O'Neill in Chaos, talks about a fateful trip that one of the LSD guys with ties to the government, maybe even officially in the government, psychiatrist, visited him. Countel Pro. The speculation is that he dosed Ruby so hard, Ruby lost his mind, and he kept screaming that, can you hear all the screams of the Jews who are being killed outside the prison? They're killing Jewish children.

And in the Warren Commission, when he was interviewed, all he would talk about was the conspiracy to kill all the Jews, and they realized none of his testimony was worthy of anything. all he would talk about was the conspiracy to kill all the Jews, and they realized none of his testimony was worthy of anything. Yeah, that was after the guy spending like 48 hours in a cell with them, the guy who worked for the government. No, a couple of hours. Oh, was that it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, let's get to some letters to the editor. Okay. Ooh, this is hot. Joanne, I seem to have a crush on these guys. We should get back to her. All right. I mean, Christ, you're single, Mike. It's true.

Well, let's see. This is a one-time thing, you know. Let's see if she writes again. Okay. Brian G. wrote in to say that, I heard you complaining about people asking you questions they could easily Google. There's an old website that is apparently still active called Let Me Google That For You, where you type in the subject and click search,

and it generates a link that you can send to people with a smart-ass animation or whatever you want for searching. All right, so it's called LetMeGoogleThat.com. I wonder if it'll let you Google what happened to Jack Ruby on this day. Gaz said, Fitz dog. Tell Mike I love the billboard idea.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure a lot of paper boys, Sundayers, whatever your listeners would be called, would chip in. The Joanns. The Joanns would do it. So the idea is that we would rent out a billboard somewhere in the country and put up Sunday papers on it and then have you guys take pictures of it, post it online, and see if the whole Reddit community would get caught up in it. How about this? We pitch Audible or someone like that. We'll go halves with you and they'll get a little signage in the corner of our billboard i like it i like that that's good all right let's not follow up on that great idea benny grayson said my name is

benny and i'm 15 years old let me start off by saying i'm a huge fan of the podcast wait i'm incredibly uncomfortable at this point all right we're gonna skip him him. Dan Rubin. Hey, Mike and Greg, I can recall you guys detailing the origin story of your friendship. Let me guess. You met at a party and hit it off immediately, bonding over your mutual love of misremembering and conflating movies, bands, actors, books, dates and everything else. Dan has no idea what the fuck he's talking about because we didn't like each other. has no idea what the fuck he's talking about because we didn't like each other we did not like each other at first yeah it was uh college i don't remember the first time we actually met but probably in your kitchen because you coincidentally roomed with guys i went to boarding school with yes pete scott dudley shot well And, you know, it wasn't so much we didn't like each other, as we were told by too many people we were clones. Yeah.

I think. And that never goes well. And then Mike got up at my wedding where he was the best man, and the first thing out of his mouth was when he made a toast, with my family there and all my friends, was, I'm like a lot of you when i first met greg i couldn't stand him and which got a bigger laugh than i would have been comfortable with it was an applause break yeah yes well you also were drinking and

incredibly cocky back then yes i was cocky but i was really just, but I was really just hiding. Wasn't I really just hiding an insecurity? No. I had a big dick. I was getting laid a lot. I was having fun. I was cocky. I don't know why you quit. Quit being cocky. You quit drinking. Now you're riddled with self-doubt. Look at you. My dick shrunk. My dick has shrunk, by the way. You know, if there's a thing on, if you guys don't follow my- I wouldn't let the sponsors hear that. On Instagram, I posted up a clip from when I did Tough Crowd with Patrice O'Neill and Greg Giraldo.

There's the clip up this week, and it's about Colin talking about the rumor of me having a big dick, the rumor that was started and perpetuated by female comics in New York. I won't mention their names. Huh. All right. This doesn't sound like a good area to go into. Let's get to obituaries.

And that's all, folks. You're going to be Louis C.K. No, I want to keep that rumor flying. Carla Walenda was a member of the Flying Walendas, a high wire act. I mean, people in our generation remember the Flying Walendas. They were always on TV. They were a big deal. Highwire Act, she was the last surviving child of founder Carl Walenda. She died at 85 from natural causes.

What were the odds on that happening? Well, she died of lung cancer while falling 62 stories to her death. She died of lung cancer while falling 62 stories to her death. She started to learn how to walk on a high wire as a toddler. Her father, who moved here from Germany, started the Flying Willendas. Both her father and her husband, Richard Guzman, died when they fell walking the wire, but she kept performing until she retired in, ready for this, 2017 at the age of 81. Quote, accidents can happen any place.

I have to make a living, and this is the only way I know or want to. I've done waitress work and hated every minute of it. Why should I go back to a job that I hate? Interesting. You know, there's footage of her father, you know, I think there's footage probably of both of them falling to their death. No shit. Yeah, there were no nets back then.

They worked without a net. Yeah. Now it's bullshit. You go see Cirque du Soleil, there's fucking nets all over the place. If I'm paying 150 bucks to see a show, I want a slim chance that a French person is going to smash their head against it.

By the way, don't worry. People die in Cirque du Soleil. Do they? Oh, yeah. Those motorcycle dudes? Yeah. But have you ever seen that? That blew my mind.

No. There was a tent set up right here a mile away at Santa Monica in the parking lot. Yeah, we went to that show. That show was like a back to basics. Like, in other words, we went to that show. That show was like a back to basics. Like in other words, less storytelling and all this. This is just going to blow your mind on the sheer athleticism and craziness you're going to see. And these motorcycle guys flying around a cage,

it was just, it's just, and then, and then the guys running on the, on the spinning wheels that are rotating, like being on the outside of a gerbil wheel, just running like a bastard. Anyway, and constantly you were like, all he had to do was slip out of the guys. He's dead. And sure enough, that's what happened. Not the one I saw.

But they die. No, I missed that performance. They do die. Yeah. They keep it real. All right. Let's get to the uh the funnies we always want to cheer up we always want to cheer up after the obituary so we get to andy cap we love andy and here's the thing about uh sometimes i pick comics could be because they're

misogynistic or they're terrible i picked a couple this week that I just thought were good, so I put them in. Huh. So in one of them, the Bobby, is that what you call a British cop, a Bobby? Yeah, go with it. The Bobby's walking down the street, and he's walking towards Andy, and he says, Mr. Cap, come here. Do I have to do a British accent? No.

I want to talk to you about that rumpus in the Boilermakers Club earlier tonight. Andy is thinking to himself, ha, I've watched enough episodes of CSI Miami to know what this pest know what to say to this pest. And he says, you haven't got a shred of evidence. I was involved. No CCTV, DNA or eyewitnesses. The defense rests. And then to the side of the next frame, it says, splash, with water coming off. And the Bobby says, sounds like the defense has decided to rest in the canal. So this is the good one you chose? The next handicap has the wife, and she's walking down the street.

I can't see what it says. Oh, there it is. And she's saying to her friend, look, there's Gloria's wedding. And the friend says, she makes a lovely bride. And Flo says, yep, she does. She always does. Huh. Your silence is deafening, Mike.

No, no, I'm just taking it in no i'm just taking it in i'm just taking it in by the way a nice thing coming up after hagar hagar uh i have not seen this week's family circus i just cut and paste it without looking at it all right hagar is sitting with a gypsy they're looking at a crystal ball, and she says to Hager, you will find yourself in a blinding blizzard. And then Hager says, is that a snow globe? And she says, yeah, the crystal ball's in the shop. You know...

That's funny. You can just tell me if you had no time to pull these. That one made me laugh. Come on. A crystal ball that's a snowball? It has to be the oldest joke in the book, right? What book? What book?

You got a book of old cartoon jokes? No, but shaking a snow globe is like, oh, I see the future. There's going to be a little deer with snow all around it. Like, you know. Is that a bit you do at your house at Christmas? I might have done it once or twice. I get to do it through New Year's. That's the rule.

Do your fucking stupid family circus. Speaking of me not spending time, you didn't even read this thing. At least I'm up front about it. You should absolutely claim that you haven't read any of these. Yeah. Okay, family circus.

Here we go. Okay, this fucking little kid has his glass of water and his pie hole wide open. He's screaming something to the mom and he has the little baby next to him with his glass of water and the baby...

I don't... Whose hand is... I can't even... The baby's name is PJ and the older kid is named Billy. So the kids, it looks like the baby might be in a little bit of pain. He's standing there by the sink and they're in the bathroom. So anyway, the older fucking kid is talking to the mom and goes,

PJ doesn't know how to gargle. He swallowed it. Holy shit. So. What? Yeah. I mean, that happens. Isn't this just a real thing?

Yeah. So. I don't get it at all. I mean, at least there was another frame where she went like you and daddy, like when you're blowing daddy. Or just make it funny. Like PJ found your medicine bottle from the pharmacy and ate all the pills. Mom,

I don't know. Do something with it. Holy shit. I'm glad I didn't read. Do something with it. Holy shit. I'm glad I didn't read that before I posted it. All right, finally, to cheer us up, is that everyone's favorite couple, the guy who's way the fuck out of his league, goddamn Dagwood and Blondie.

So Dagwood is sitting on a blue chair reading a book. Blondie, which I love this, she has her back to him. They've got their living room set up where the chairs are 90 degrees looking away from each other. Yeah, this seems very, I thought you posted last week's. I know, it's the same setup. And she says, I ran into one of your old neighbors today and she asked about you, dear. Andwood says that's nice what did you tell her and she says that your name is dagwood she thought it was derwood and then she turns around and fucking mocks him wow okay this is officially the worst collection of funnies yeah ever yeah okay what does that one mean well i just think just think she's calling him a cuck.

She's saying like, you know, at first she's saying, you know, we had an old neighbor that was asking about you. And he's like, really? What'd she say? And she goes, that she thought your name was Durwood. Like, Dur. Durwood. It's all on that Dur?

Yeah, it's all about the Dur. Durr. It's all on that durr? Yeah, it's all about the durr. Maybe we need a new set of comics to cheer us up from this set of comics. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't even know how to leave this podcast. I'm so bummed out by these.

Yeah, they're really bad. All right. All right, then I'll tell you a joke. Somebody told me a joke last night that I thought was really funny really yeah um uh josh told me a good jewish joke okay all right this guy uh this woman is at the beach and she's uh she's with her son and they're playing around he's frolicking right at the edge of the shore, about six inches of water. He's coming in and out. He's got a little bucket. And then all of a sudden, this wave comes up and crashes on top of the kid.

The undertow sucks him out into the ocean. He's fucking gone. Lady loses her shit. She runs out into the water. Moishe! Moishe! Where's my Moishe? Where did you go? She looks up to the sky and she says, God, I'll do anything if you please return my Moishe.

Clouds open up. There's a bolt of lightning. And then sitting there on the sand, dry, happy, sitting on a blue towel is Moishe. She looks up to the sky and she goes, he had a hat. It's never enough with those people, the Jews. That's how they are. Yeah. All right, we can go out on that. All right, listen, Mike, who do we want to thank this week?

I think you want to thank, I don't know. Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops. How about them? Oh, no, those are locks. Those always get thanked. Those people, those folks, those fine folks always get thanked. I thought they were joke thank yous. We want to thank Audible.com.

Let's thank Cuomo for... Go ahead. Don't forget, go to Audible.com slash papers and get yourself some kind of a discount. I don't know what it is. It's huge. I guess I should know that. Yeah.

And stay involved with the show. Tell your friends. FitzDog Radio coming to you on Tuesdays. Childish coming to you on Wednesdays. There's a lot of entertainment for your week. So St. Patrick's Day, I might go just watch. I have the kids. All right, come and watch.

You don't have to go up. You can decide when you get there. I could do my bit about wheeled luggage. Doesn't that sound riveting? I'll just keep working it out on stage till I get someone to laugh at it. Yeah. I would say during a pandemic, you want to do jokes about travel. That'll really hit home. I'd like to. Thank you very much. Um, all right. Well, I'll be there. If you want to join us, uh, just come down, come to Penmar at seven.30. Otherwise, we'll catch you guys next week.

See you, Mike. Take it easy. Take it easy. Sunday Papers. Read all about it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it in the Sunday Papers. Read all about it in the Sunday papers. Read all about it. El periódico del domingo con sus dos gringos cómicos favoritos.

Todas las noticias que quiere la gente. Con Blondie Sports, Science Family, Circus Escape. The Sunday papers. Read all about it in the Sunday papers. can't escape.