Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 55 3/21/21

Episode Date: March 21, 2021

Looking for more on Woody vs Mia? Not going to find it here! Instead we double up on Florida Man, shit on the Queen and pay our respects to the great Marvelous Marvin Hagler.

read all about it sunday read all about it read all about it mike gib. Read all about it. Mike Gibbons cannot figure out how to use a computer. Top story this week. The royal family not in the news. And we're not talking about Woody Allen. Read all about it.

That last episode was disturbing. Okay, let's move forward. Okay, let's move on. Let's not defend a child molester anymore. Alleged. Allegedly defending, I mean. All right. So listen, Mike. Are we doing it?

Oh, yeah. How are you feeling? I'm good, man. You thought I wasn't feeling that good when you saw me. I didn't do stand-up, but I came by to- Yeah, we did the St. Patrick's Day Show At the golf course On Wednesday night

Swung by to say hi Yep You thought maybe I got hit By that vaccine Cause I had my second one And uh Your pussy wife Got hit really hard by that

And my pussy son They are both pussies And I uh But I'm fucking I'm like Like bull And so It didn't affect me at all. So why didn't you perform on Wednesday night?

Speaking of pussies. Well, kind of like you, I just didn't think I had my best stuff. Hey, now. I didn't want to go up. No, I don't know. I think it's, I don't like the Irish. So let's do it another day. Let's do it another holiday.

The show was, just to set it up, it was a typical Fitzsimmons production where a week before I said let's have a comedy show, we hadn't even asked the club if we could do it. We promoted it the day of with a couple of tweets. It was packed. And somehow it got packed. Everybody showed up. I think some listeners were there.

There was one girl there who was a little stalkery, a listener. She was very sweet, but she came alone. Yeah. And then, of course, some good friends. And then my wife showed up with my daughter. Another stalker. Yeah, that was uncomfortable. Maybe for everyone.

It wasn't at all. She had never seen me do stand-up before. But the audience doesn't know how cool JoJo is and how she rolls with it. But you're talking about slamming her mom. Yep. Yeah, yeah. No, I talked about how it's going to be uncomfortable. My daughter's here, and half my jokes are about fucking her mother.

But then I didn't do any jokes about fucking her mother. Wait, you got pretty risque. I mean, I remember a bunch of people were like, Well, that's what I do. I mean, that's my act. That's what I'm shooting for. Yeah, Dickie and I were there, and we would just turn around like a lot of people and look at your daughter when the zingers flew. She loves that shit. You can't shock Jojo. She is so dark.

Yeah, she loves it. And she loved the show. I had a good set. I was she had a great set. Thank you. Yeah. She She hugged me She said she was proud of me It was a very big moment It was very It was very touching Clearly she's doing Tons of drugs I'd be worried

I wouldn't have gone as far With the praise as she did We did give her A couple pints of beer While she was there Just to Just to warm her up A little bit

Hoping she'll forget the set Yeah Hey Here sweetie Blackout please No the last joke i did and you know sometimes as a comedian you're not you're not thinking that much about which jokes you're doing and who's there and i'm halfway through the joke about me and owen being at the beach and a 17 year old girl in a bikini comes running in the water. Of course. And I'm like, why am I telling this joke right now?

Oh, I know. Yeah. That was the only uncomfortable moment. Yeah. And of course, a little later, I'm like, is he still going to call it a fat tit? And to your artistic credit, no filter. That's exactly what you called it.

That's it. That's it. What did you think of Dennis Gubbins hosting? Great, as always. The guy is like an energy powder that gives out codes to get the vaccine ahead of minorities. But he's like this energy powder. Add to anything and it just gets energized and better and more fun. He walks in any room. It's like you're sprinkling Dennis on things. Now, Dennis is the kind of guy, if you get married and you barely know Dennis, you invite him to the wedding because he'll be the first guy on the dance floor.

And he'll dance with the old ladies. He'll take your grandmother out for a spin. Well, he told the embarrassing thing where, so he's a great dancer, and so he'll be out there. So then this, like, little line forms, and he's like, you know, these really attractive women, and so they come up to me. And meanwhile, he's, like, sweated through his shirt like only Dennis can, and both sides.

And the women then are there, like, and he's like, oh, my God, this is so great. Because, you know, he goes to are there like, and he's like, oh my God, this is so great. Because, you know, he goes to these weddings solo. And cutest girl is like, hi, you're such an amazing dancer. I'm embarrassed to ask, will you dance with my mom? And I have to give Dennis credit. That's just a true story. That's not a joke I'm making.

That really happens to him constantly. Okay. Do do they ask, did they ask him to finger the mom as well? Or does he just throw that in as a bonus? He hopes the daughters never learn about that. Yeah. But, uh, the, so we went to a wedding out in Palm Springs, a mutual friend, and he is dancing and he's becoming the star. And it's this this big like, you know, room where they're getting, where they're having the reception. And anyway, he jumps up on this chair. Anyway, we're pretty, we're pretty wasted at this point. So I go, Dennis, I have an idea. You want to do multiple chairs? He's like, yeah.

So I set up chairs that leave from like, you know, the eight top tables. I set up chairs that leave the dance floor, go around the periphery, go to halfway down the middle of the room in the back and then straight towards the dance floor. I'd say 10 feet apart, the chairs, and then finish on the dance floor. He runs, does the jump up on a chair with his foot, you know, on the back of the chair. And he skillfully, the chair goes down to the floor. He goes up on the next one. And it was watching, it was watching a performance art piece. He goes around the whole room, the whole place going crazy. And the last chair springs him onto the dance floor.

It was incredible. It's like jerk to Soleil. Wow. All right. Yeah, incredible. It's like jerk to Soleil. Wow. All right. Yeah, I was kind of like that. Hey, don't fucking judge my puns. I'm going to throw them in once in a while. There's a certain contingent of the listenership that appreciates a good pun.

I played golf with Dennis yesterday. And he's the most mellow, fun guy in some ways. And he is a raving, fucking angry lunatic in others. We get on the course, and first of all, he wants these gimme, in golf, there's a thing called a gimme putt, which means if it's very close to the hole, you'd say to the guy, that's good,

and you don't have to putt it. There will be a four-foot putt, and Gubbins will go, is is this good and i'll say no and then he'll call me a douchebag he'll fucking curse he'll he'll he'll hold a grudge for two holes it's so fucking annoying and then we get this group behind us that starts hurrying us the guy goes like this with his hand like yeah like rotates his hand and looks at us like hurry up yeah and so i go hey we're waiting on the group in front of us. And the guy starts yelling at us. And then me and Dennis, it it escalated.

We're fucking screaming at this guy. Wow. Fun golf. And he's screaming at us. And I go, I go, say one more thing and I'll hit this fucking ball in your teeth. Like it got bad. Holy. Yeah. And then Dennis gets up to the tee and the guy's standing right there and Dennis goes, here we go. Hey! And he hits his drive about 300 fucking yards and we just all started laughing. You got to get him chairs out there.

That turns his mood around immediately. Right. You just got to get chairs. For Cirque du Solo. Oh, how about that? That's a little wordplay, a little more advanced, I think. Next hole, he hits a bad tee shot and he throws his fucking club halfway down. Yeah.

Anyway, Dennis is a keeper. Great ladies. You want to code for a vaccine. You want him to dance and be a, it's almost like those criers at a funeral. You're right. He could be paid to energize any event. Yeah. What else?

We got a big podcast coming up this week. We're going to do our first guesting on somebody else's podcast this week. Yeah. I think that's still on, right? I mean, we haven't heard differently. Bert Kreischer. Bert was a friend of mine. I did a project with him.

Nicest guy ever. Adores you, Greg. Is a very respectful kind of student of the game. You know, he's one of those guys. Yeah, he is. He's a guy everybody has respect for. Fucking works hard, man. He's got just enough self-hatred to keep him interesting.

Oh, yeah, for sure. And his stories, because he's like a dentist. And that's how he got famous, his story of going over to Russia and getting his name The Machine. So we're doing, I think he has a new podcast studio that's been built. Oh, really? I think we're going there, by the way. Are you under that impression? Yeah, I'll go.

We'll check. I don't know when it airs, but we're supposed to record it Monday. Shout out to James Enriquez for this week's song. James is, you know, working it out. What does that mean? It feels like he's capable of violent crimes when I listen to that song. Because the intentionally lo-fi approach? I'm with you, James. Don't listen.

There are haters out there. I work with one, apparently. No, I love the song. Thank you for the song. I love it. No, it's compelling. It's a little disturbing. Okay.

It's like when you listen to, like if you listen to Chris Cornell, you go, I see how this ends. Is that what you, that's what you get out of Chris Cornell? Yeah. Wow. I just, that voice, holy moles.

By the way, there's a concert. If you want to go, we got a couple other friends that are getting tickets mikey fitzgibbons and some other people are getting tickets dana point in september it's a three-day festival the sunday night show is my morning jacket the pretenders and pearl jam yeah outdoor show you camp out the night before take some fucking edibles oh that's in the brochure also yep uh what are the other nights like is tom york or something playing i i know eddie vetter's headlining the night before a solo blake mills some locals who Who's Blake Mills? See, perfect.

I'll send you his album. I thought I did. Fucking dude's awesome. Also, let's give Mikey Fitzgibbons has a new album out. Yes. Nicest guy going. Yeah, he's great. And we want to promote the album. As you, as you know, I'm not a I'm not a country music fan.

But what they but what they do is more of a rockabilly kind of thing. Him and his boy, Johnny Marfa. And if you go to Bandcamp, Spotify, iTunes, the album's called The Name's Johnny Marfa. It's it's it's really fucking fun. They're just like a groovy L.A. band. Check them out. Groovy. First time rockabilly and groovy have been in the same sentence. Or is that your old man way of saying, like, it's hip.

Is that groovy? Groovy. What's the hip word for hip now? Let's see Dope is about Six years old I think lit Fire Fire

Well lit Then Lit led to the Creatively bankrupt fire Which is a different way Of saying it Or you snap You snap your fingers

Is that all you do now Yeah you just snap your fingers Alright I like that Okay I did i did a show i've done three shows in three nights because i'm getting ready to go to raleigh north carolina this weekend by the way folks if you're in raleigh or that general area shit when do you leave thursday wow yeah so we'll be doing it from on Sunday next week. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm so used to not looking forward for a year in the pandemic.

Yeah. Because the assumption is I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to Florida Friday. Oh, no shit. Yeah. Are you going to have time on Saturday to bang one out? I think if you're meaning the podcast, I think so. Well, I hope so, because you just said you're hanging out with your sister.

Right. I didn't know if it was just, you know, myself. And I assumed you were talking about finger banging. I Saturday morning. Yeah, I think so. I think we can do a tight one. We'll do a tight one right on the heels of finger banging. Yeah. So but my sister and I finally Right on the heels of finger banging. Yeah. So, but my sister and I finally, I think a lot of our listeners can relate. We haven't seen our father in a year, more than a year. And he's gone through a lot.

And so we're finally. He lost his wife. Yeah. And yeah. And like everybody has, you know, kind of been isolated through this whole thing. So anyway, we're going to go. Sadly, we have to sort of clean out the apartment down there where they live. But, you know, we want to help them, so we're going down. But, yeah, flying to Florida should be interesting.

Is he getting rid of that place down there? No. Okay. No. Just getting rid of anything that would make him think about sadness. Right, right. Yeah. No. Just getting rid of anything that would make him think about sadness. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't that what you do? Isn't that the drill? Yeah. That's what you got to do. My father died. The only thing I inherited was his golf clubs and a red handkerchief. And it haunts you to this day, I can tell. Doesn't help. Doesn't help to be playing with 42-year-old golf clubs.

Well, it's why you're out there screaming at poor people on the golf course. That's how that worked. Keeping your dad's journey alive. He's looking down going, why'd you back off, pussy? If you're not going to hit the...

You said you're going to hit him in the teeth. If I don't see it, you're still a disappointment. Also, I'll be going to hear in your back swing. Yeah, the grips are all fucking torn apart from just holding on too tight from anger. Yeah, I'll also be coming to Philly. I'm going to Helium on April 22nd through the 24th. And then my Kansas City date just got changed.

It's now earlier. If you're coming to see me in Kansas City, it's now May 20th through the 22nd. I'm sorry. It's going to be April 29th through May 1st. So get tickets at FitzDog.com. Look at you. KC couldn't wait for the FitzDog. KC's a good town.

Good steaks. And what else? What else you got in Kansas City? Aren't there two Kansas cities? Yeah, there's Missouri and there's Kansas. You say it like it makes sense. I know. Well, there's also Minneapolis-St. Paul is kind of like that.

It's like two cities separated by like a two-minute stretch of no city. All right. Christopher Denman's going to chime in, hopefully, to my question. I was in a Kansas City. I went there for this Negro League baseball. Oh, geez. It's African-American. I think technically it's still called that, so I'm going to hide behind that. With double duty Radcliffe and all this, I worked for HBO and I was doing a documentary on them. Anyway, I was in either a Ritz Carlton or a Four Seasons that was on a hill. And I believe I'm talking about the Kansas City in Missouri. Probably. Denman, if you could get off your fundraising kick for Trump right now. Yep. Absolutely. Missouri. He

knows what I'm talking about. The good stuff's in Missouri. I think Kansas is the kind of like down and dirty part of Kansas City. And what's that famous music intersection? Like there's a famous intersection right not far from that. And I think they put the Negro League, there I go again, Hall of Fame there, I believe. Wow. And that's why I was there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the Crossroads or Rock and Chops? Satchel Page. The sound of souls of the devil? Satchel, of course. Woody named his son after Satchel Page, the one that turned on him and turned on the name and called himself Pharaoh. Anyhoo.

Not going there, Mike. We're not going there. I like the name Satchel. I thought that was super cool. It's kind of like a Hollywood and Vine. It reminds me of that. It's a famous intersection in Kansas City. We'll get in a minute. We also want to give a shout out to David Hughes, who did a very cool logo this week. You're not going to shit on him?

I feel bad now. James, I'm not shitting on you. I just thought it was a mood. It was a mood piece that had to be addressed. Seek counseling. I'm looking up this city. It's bothering me. A couple of corrections. Michael Solomon said Mike was incorrectly saying there was a McCracken in Slapshot. Wrong, Mboyo. Ernie McCracken is Bill Murray's character in Kingpin. And then he goes on. He can go F himself, because as I texted you, McCracken is a villain in Slapshot. You're correct.

18th and Vine. Yeah, that's what Denman just wrote. I remember it being something else, but I guess that is the historic district. Yeah, and that's why I guess I thought of Vine. Also, Lawrence Tarpey chirped in that, FYI, it's Hal Linden as Barney Miller, not Hal Holbrook. And Billy Jack, not Charles. Hold on. Can I write a correction to that correction?

Yeah. I think that's for another podcast of yours because I've never heard about that bullshit. Oh. Okay. Yeah. But I loved Barney Miller and I think I was precocious comedically because that was dry humor, man. Yeah.

Super dry humor. Loved it humor loved it and it was uh they really captured they captured new york it's like so many procedural cop shows are sort of like i don't know if a cop i've been in police stations they're much more gray and dreary than these barney miller was fucking gritty took place in one room yeah talk about talk about that writing challenge yeah a story b story runner yeah remember when woe jehoits ate the pot brownie i don't that was a great episode that's ahead of its time yeah uh also all right let's get to it you want to do the front page i guess we could start a podcast all right are we doing this story let's do it let's let's let's tread lightly on it well obviously we're not going to make jokes. So what?

Then what's this podcast? Well, why change course now? Well, the Asian story in Atlanta is terrible. I thought, yeah, so we do a comedy podcast. Anyway, this isn't a joke. Anyway, the headline was Asian Americans organize in wake of Atlanta attacks. And I wrote, am I allowed to say that I bet it will be very organized? You could say that. I think that's a fair question. Yeah. It's going to be well thought out.

It's going to be detail oriented and incredibly well executed. Yeah. Are these am I I'm not making clearly I'm not making light of the situation. It's going to be detail oriented and incredibly well executed. Yes. Are these, am I, I'm not making, clearly I'm not making light of the situation. I am tipping my cap there. They are generally, stereotypically organized and detail oriented. As the Black Lives Matter marches, we're often late. They often started after the. All right.

How do you end a Zoom? Is it the red button still? I know I'm lumping in lots of different nationalities under the word Asian, okay? I'm aware of that still. I still think I'm accurate here. This story really bummed me out because if you live in la there's massage places and they're mostly legit you go in and for like 40 you get sometimes these thai women

that are unbelievably trained and they're fucking great and they're just you know they came over here indentured sometimes they're paying off a loan that they can't that they paid to get here and you know they're they're noble hard-working people and just the idea of somebody going in and fucking kill and he said he did it because he was a sex addict and he wanted to he wanted to stop the potential of him having a sex addiction he's like like, hey, I'm addicted to alcohol. I don't fucking shoot bartenders. Like, shoot yourself if you're that out of control. How about shoot your dick off? Right.

You coward. I really think that there should be self-castration procedures. If you're a child molester, I don't want to fucking hear it. Just go and get fucking snipped or take pills that lower your libido, whatever it takes. Let the fucking medical industry get involved. Still, you trust that person with your kid? What? You would trust that person to be a neighbor or whatever?

Like, oh, don't worry. I've reduced my sex drive. So I don't think about little children as much anymore. No, I wouldn't. Cool. I wouldn't trust him, but at least he could trust himself a little bit more. What do you do? Like, I don't know. Like you're released on. So I watched that documentary, um, uh, outcry. We talked about it a little bit last week. So the documentary outcry is about this really precocious kid who, um, outcry. Do you know that the word outcry now technical? So that's technically when a child, I think a child, and maybe anybody that is the word used for their complaint, for their, I've been abused. Okay.

And so anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, so one of the uncles who pleaded guilty, so he went to jail, 17 years, child sex abuse. And so he gets out and I'm like, what's that? And I'm not feeling sorry for him. Don't get me wrong, but I am a little like stumped. Like, what do you do? Like who would, who would, I guess they have halfway houses. Maybe if your family doesn't take you in, like if your family doesn't take you in, which I imagine most won't, what's step one, you have a shoebox full of your shit. The prison door is behind you. Honestly, society wants nothing to do with you. Wherever you move to, you got to knock on the doors of everybody in the neighborhood and tell

them that you're a sex offender. You're not going to be able to get a job. Yeah. I think I'm going to slaughter it. The greatest, it was a really funny Mr. Show sketch where he gets out and he's trying to do it. And he's cold calling for insurance. He's like, hello, I'm Larry whatever. He's like, insurance is my game. Sex offending was another one of my games. And when he leaves his house, it's like, sex offender.

Oh, wait, we could talk about this for a second. Comedy fans would be interested in this. From Mr. Show, the guy I just described holding up the sign, screaming, sex offender here, sex offender, pointing to Bob Odenkirk in the sketch,

is Jay Johnston, who you know. Oh, sure. Yeah. Have you seen all the photos that he was at the Keystorm, the Capitol? No.

Oh, yeah. No shit. And I'm like, oh, that's a perfect like Reddit or, you know, conspiracy theory. And then I think it was Snopes or whatever is like jury's still out. But other comedians have said that was him like not coming to his defense. Damn. He's the really tall guy. He's in the great Everest sketch where he's the star of the Everest sketch with the thimbles. His picture,

you've seen it. It's a popular picture because he's still unidentified. Jay, I'm going to show you. Johnson. Jay Johnston. No, I think it's Johnson. Capital. I'm sure it'll come up anyway. Maybe it is Johnston. Comedy fans ID Jay Johnston

is capital insurrectionist dude oh i can't share my screen here i don't know how i guess i do it on my phone i you've worked with him yeah i think yeah we wrote on a tv show together for a year and he was uh just one of the funniest coolest dudes that's so weird that he turned that way well you know he he was an alcoholic from a very young age he he got sober when he was like a teenager and uh and then he started he started drinking again and uh things changed wait move it a little to the side oh yeah there he is wow how about that here's the problem you live in ho Hollywood, and a lot of times you don't work for extended periods of time. Oh, God.

This sounds like a giant defense. And then your brain just starts getting fucking warped by reading all these conspiracy. We have a friend. A friend of ours became a conspiracy lunatic. Gobbins. I'm kidding. We're getting a note. I wonder when Jay Johnston broke into the Capitol,

did he fall back into it like the thimbles? Just kept hitting the door until it broke open? Come on. That's inside comedy mixed with politics. That's a good joke. Chris Denman, our producer, just put into the Google Doc, he's the voice on Bob's Burgers. And it's obviously Chris's favorite comedian at this point.

He wasn't until now, yeah. Well, Chris drove. I think they carpooled there. So that's, I mean, at least, listen, as far as MAGA guys go, carpooling's a pretty sound move. So hats off to them on that. Yeah, red hats off on that. Larry Kleist, rapist, best sketch ever.

Of course. Well, Chris, you like anything with rape in it, so I'm not surprised that's your favorite sketch. Yeah. Yeah. Of course, he doesn't view it as rape. He views it as very traditional male and female roles. All right, next story. Oh, okay. DoorDash, a top aide to a district attorney in Philadelphia, has been demoted. He was caught moonlighting for DoorDash during work hours. He was delivering food from October to February, Uh, he was delivering food from October to February and, uh, his salary as a first assistant DA was $125,000 quote.

I primarily worked the job at nights and weekends. However, I made the incredibly poor decision to deliver during the workday at times. So, I mean, if you're a DA and you're delivering food, you know, you give him a bad tip and all of a sudden your phone's being tapped. You're getting audited by the government. Maybe he was also blending it. Like, listen, here's your fries, your burger. Also, plead no low contendere. The judge is pretty lenient with that.

I think you'll be fine. Why does my DoorDash guy have wingtip shoes and pinstripe suit? Okay. It's a little weird. My burger's wrapped in legal notepad, but okay. I guess so. All right. Why is he arguing about how long it took me to get to the door?

He seems contentious. Okay. Yeah. Now, you used to deliver. You were a food delivery guy. Wing it. Back in Boston. It was like 793 Bird, Chicken Wings in Boston, Mass, right near, it was on BU's campus, and we'd deliver, and my car stunk. You had a shit car, didn't you? That sounds a little anti-Asian. It was a Subaru. Oh, that's what I drove. Subaru wagon, my first car ever. Loved it. Yep. It wasn't yet a hackneyed lesbian joke. Well, maybe it was, man. The joke was on me. Anyway, it stunk of buffalo sauce, but I made really good money and I definitely learned the ins and outs of all of Boston. Now, we would deliver to Harvard a lot in all the schools, but the dreaded God, another Asian story.

The dreaded delivery route was MIT and the drivers would all be in the kitchen like, did you fucking tell? It was like something out of Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. It's like about the leads. Did you fucking tell them that we only make money on tips? Like, I'm not doing an MIT run again unless you fucking say that. Because I swear to God, deliver the chicken wings. And it's $8.18. Counting out the 82 cents.

No shit. In front of me. Wow. And you would say, you know, we actually only get our money from tips if you want to round up to 12. And like total language barrier. Yeah, yeah. And they, let's just put it this way, they were precise at MIT. Right.

And I can say, because no one can take my story away from me, I was there, all of them Asian. Okay, interesting. Interesting. A lot of talk in the news about Asian racism going on in the country, which was kind of, it's kind of the last bastion because everybody, every other group, Latino, black,

Jewish, even Italian and Irish at a certain point were, you know, sort of targeted for racism and have been, you know,

have been defended. But the Asians always kind of slipped. They've been persecuted in this country since they laid down the fucking railroad tracks. They were the first people to take the worst jobs in america but you never saw

a defense of them there's always been asian camps right there's always been asian jokes this first time i'm seeing like pushback against it yeah remember sarah silverman got in trouble uh with chinese because she had a joke she said i have a friend and he make joke. He made a pee pee in my Coke. And no, that wasn't the joke was way better than that. Yeah. No, I think that was it. No, I know the joke because it was great and it had nothing to do with slamming Chinese at all. It was a smart joke. Okay. The joke was this. She told her friend, she's like, I want to get out of, um, I want to get out of jury duty. And the friend said, well, why don't you just write something totally crazy? Like I hate chinks. And she goes, what? And she was incredibly offended. And she's like, but I would never write that. It's so, it's so mean and crazy and all this. And, um, And I don't feel that way. And she goes, so what I did is I wrote down,

I love chinks. And she got, I mean, the police, basically a Chinese activist who was really trying to make a name for himself. But then they had a fight on a show that you used to work on, Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. That's right. Yeah. On ABC, the activist and Sarah. It was good TV. They were sitting across from each other and got

into it. And what you learned there is it is really, really, really hard to defend a joke, even if you feel the person's misunderstanding it. offended joke, even if you feel the person's misunderstanding it. Well, because Sarah is Sarah plays a character in standup. There's a context to it. She is playing a out of touch kind of jappy girl who kind of has a good heart, but doesn't get it. You know, if you don't buy into that premise, then half her jokes are going to be really offensive on paper.

Well, there's no joke unless without the understanding that it is so wrong with the person. Now, whatever. I don't want to I don't we don't want letters on this. OK, we've heard it a million times propagating the word no matter what the context. We get it. We get it. We get it. And listen, that joke is probably across the line. It's not right up against it. But clearly no malintent and whatever. Well, also, copy and paste that joke to 2021, and it becomes much more offensive. Back then, you could say so much more on TV. I mean, I think of bits that I did even on Letterman, and that today, even if I did it on a club set that got put on the

internet, I would get crucified for. Right. I don't even think about saying crucified. So Chris is saying that the guy's name is Guy Aoki, and he's Japanese, the one that Sarah had the little battle with. But yeah. He had to be shot. Really?

That's what Chris is saying, and he really knows people's races. Like he knows every single person's race. Well, let's just he probably had to just check his inbox. But I don't know. I do know the guy was incredibly opportunistic and would use anything to get on it. He was a businessman, but he would use anything to get in front of a camera. a businessman, but he would use anything to get in front of a camera. Right. And it was definitely, and that's what stood out about it, is that it was so unusual for an Asian person to defend against an Asian joke. And if it wasn't for him, it certainly would have flied under the radar. But of course, this comes all the way back to, all right, so where's this coming from? Obviously, there are attacks. I just read about another attack against an old Asian woman in San Francisco where she fought back, that there are people volunteering to walk with elderly Asians in Atlanta now. There's an organized effort to try to protect them.

Yeah. And so I wonder where all this Asian hate is spiking out of nowhere all of a sudden. Well, it's because of the virus, the coronavirus. It's a rhetorical question. It's a rhetorical question. We don't want to go there because we lose sore-ass, weak listeners. Well, hate crimes against the Asian are up 150%. I just read that in the paper.

And whose numbers are you going to believe? The Asians, right? Whoa, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, back up. Next story. Chris will edit that out. Mike, you want to read this one that you researched so well and wrote up for us? I didn't research it at all, Gregory, is what you're referring to. I just thought it was funny in under reopening California. This is true. They are going to reopen with certain, I guess, capacities, reduced capacity.

But when they reopen these amusement parks and adventure parks, one of the rules in California is no screaming on California roller coasters, according to the state guidelines, to reduce the potential spread of the virus. That's fantastic. So here's your roller coaster. Nobody scream. Well, didn't it just get a lot scarier from what you told us? Yeah. Now we want to scream more. Yeah.

Can you still shit your pants? Because I think you can spread diseases from fecal matter as well. And also, are you allowed to scream when you see that it's $89 to get in? Is that still allowed? $89, Magic Mountain, I went last year. Now, when you go to the water park, which is next door to it, you have to scream underwater. You have to submerge your whole face in the Corona bath and scream underwater. They used to have the carnival that came to our town every year and it had all those old rides. Remember the tilt a wheel, the one that spun in circles. Well, you just reminded me that is where the pedophiles go when they don't know where to go

when they get out of prison. Yeah. Right into a traveling carnival. Okay. Yes. I remember tilt a wheel. So tilt a whirl. And so, uh, I up in it, and it went all over my face and shirt, spinning around. And I vomited at the beginning of the ride, and it got over people next to me. And I'm kind of done with amusement parks after that. You like them, right? Don't you fucking love roller coasters?

I did, but I told you the story a few years ago. I took my girls on a, it was some rare day that their little crunchy Waldorf school had off that no one else did. I'm like, let's go to Magic Mountain. I measured the girls' height, and they were both a little shy of the rides we really want to go on. So I put lifts inside of their sneakers, swear to God. So we go there, and so Magic Mountain is like aggressive. Like those rides. Oh, yeah.

So I had never been on the rides where you get on a roller coaster and then before it pulls out, it's like, and all of a sudden you're now laying on your back. And you knew it was like, it was a wake-up call for Grandpa here because I was like, they're like, make sure nothing's in your pockets. I'm like, holy shit. So I'm like, OK, like no sunglasses. So I'm like, oh, my God. So you put them in lockers and you then go up, up, up, up, up on your back with your head first looking at the sky. And then that first giant plunge is head first backwards.

So anyway, there was another one though, and it was old school rollercoaster and I forget the name of it. It's the big white one. Everyone in California knows what it is anyway. And it brags about its G force. So anyway, we're going down it, it starts doing this death spin and my peripheral vision starts to close. And all of a sudden I'm like, like I felt myself passing out and I fucking shook it off as hard as I could. And then it goes and I'm like, what was that? I've never experienced that in my life. And then it goes up again and it's going to do another loop and it comes down.

I'm like, that was, that was not, that didn't really happen. Sure enough, in this tight spin, my peripheral vision starts to shut like crazy. So I'm like, fuck, I got to go to the doctor. Like what? What the fuck? So we're pulling in these two British guys are in front of me and they're like, dude, that was amazing. And they're like, yeah, but he's like, did you start to go to sleep? And I was thank God. And they were like, yeah, yeah. But still, I'm at that point now. We did a trip one time, and we went to Orlando, and we hit three different amusement parks. We hit Disney, Universal.

Universal was great because it's got the Harry Potter. Oh, that's amazing. It's amazing. It really is well done. And then we rounded it out by going down to Tampa, where they have- Busch Gardens? Bus gardens bush gardens which is like it's like the fucking redneck paradise like no all the time the guys that are working there and

it's like the typical carny thing like no teeth stupid obviously drunk methed out and i got on a ride it's in tampa what's that you already said it's in Tampa. What's that? You already said it's in Tampa. Yeah. And so I get on this one ride and it's unregulated. It hasn't been checked in decades. And it spins me around. I spent, we were at my mom's after that for like five days.

I spent five days going to the chiropractor every day and laid out flat. My neck got so fucked up from that. That's the last time I'll ever ride a roller coaster. Oh, my God. And we want to go to Action Park in New Jersey. We would die. Oh, right, right. Next story.

Nerf gun. Police in North Carolina. I know nothing about this story. Okay, good. Let's see how good you are off the top of your head. All right. They found a real gun disguised as a nerf toy while conducting a drug raid in uh north of charlotte the glock 19 pistol along with a 50

round drum magazine had been painted blue and orange and labeled with the nerf gun logo to look like a toy dude i saw this you wouldn't know in a million years this wasn't a fucking toy. It's genius. Except that it's a 42-pound Nerf. The firearm was among 20 guns, pistols, rifles, and shotguns that investigators found during the home search on Wednesday, along with cocaine, psilocybin, mushrooms, and marijuana. They also seized $2,300 in cash. They also found a back massager disguised as a rubber penis. Would it be the other way around?

It would be disguised as a back massager? No. The joke is that they found a dildo and the cops thought it was a back massager. Right. I think I'm right there. i think you can go in either direction with this joke oh now you're starting to see the light um it sounds like the greatest like 12 year old birthday party ever tons of nerfs you got some weed maybe not maybe 16 year old you got your mushrooms your nerf guns. And just enough money to order fucking tons

of pizza afterwards. Only $2,300 worth of pizza. Except only one kid's left blowing out the candles at the end. Wow. So I wonder what's the logic there? Did they want it disguised in case it was ever seen so it wouldn't be just checked out? Or was it disguised in case it was ever seen? So when we just checked out or was it disguised for when this guy goes into a mall or a school? Now, I think it's to hide it from the police. I mean, this is North Carolina. If it was Florida, it would be to go into the school. This is North Carolina. Oh, yeah. No, they're upstanding there. Well, you're going there. Yes. I'll you're going there. Yes.

I'll be there this weekend. But, you know, it's funny. Like, I think that all of us think we were wild when we were younger. But then you hear about guys like this. Mushrooms, cocaine, pot, guns. And you just think, you know, what if I was living a life like that? Wouldn't that be kind of fun? Aren't you in North Carolinaolina friday yeah all right here's next week we're gonna do north carolina man oh that's good all right i'll i'll talk to some people in the front row i'll have someone videotape it and then we'll put it on the show also you're going to be holding

the local paper in your hand that's right right. But now, what a segue. It's called Florida Man. All right, Gregor, you want to read this letter? Yeah, somebody wrote in and they said, did you know the reason there are all these Florida Man stories is because the Florida government is required by law to make more information available to the public, including arrest records. Not that they have all the country's white trash. We just get to hear more about it. Megan in, ready for this? New Jersey, which is really

the North's Florida, isn't it? It's a bit of the North Florida. Yeah. OK. Many things. I think public records are public records. I'm I'm doubting her story. I'm doubting her understanding. I think you can go to police websites and you have a right as a citizen to look up any arrest records. I think maybe she's saying they're more detailed there, but let's really get to it. I don't think, I don't think other States have as many people completely shit faced riding manatees bareback. I really just doubt the statistics on that. Yeah, and you think they're riding it. No, they're fucking the manatee. Yeah, and I know what you're saying.

Well, that's because other states don't have manatees. Stop making excuses for Florida. They'd be riding whatever your animal is. What is it in New Jersey? A Bon Jovi fan? They'd be riding Bon Jovi fans. Shit-faced. Bareback. Yeah.

Speaking of Florida, by the way, the Honda Classic, which is a huge tournament, is going on right now in Florida. Big golf tournament. Another Asian story. God, we can't avoid them. Go ahead. As you know, my cousin Denny McCarthy was in the Players' Cup. He did very well last week. And now this week, he is in...

Where is he now? I'm looking at the leaderboard now. Oh, he fell back. He's in 13th place right now. He was in 3rd place a little while ago. I think he hit a couple in the water. But good luck to Denny McCarthy. You've got to have one person in your family that everybody's proud of. It used to be me, Mike.

I was the one all my cousins and aunts and uncles, oh, Greg's doing comedy. He's on this show. Now it's, we got a golfer? I don't know. I don't like good. I think you can put your foot on him and prop yourself up higher. Just be like, look, 13th place.

Everyone calm down about that guy in the family. Right, right. I got three podcasts. Yeah, exactly. So also, Megan, here's one from this Florida man shows grandfather's severed ears to deputies in disturbing video. A Florida sicko. First of all,hing his granddad in the head with a baseball bat casually pulled out the dead man's ears from his pockets in front of deputies disturbing new video shows. So you're saying that that happens in Jersey all the time and it's not reported?

Yeah. It happens in Florida all the time. Right. Right. It sounds very Native American. That was a big thing. I don't know if you read any Cormac McCarthy. But yeah, the natives used to cut off the ears and they would make necklaces out of them. And like, you know, the great warriors had like a hundred ears on a chain around their necks. hundred ears on a chain around their necks. I mean, I think it's a very, I think it's a very, very traditional, not in a positive way, story of war. I mean, I think it's whether I think they were doing it in World War I. I mean, weren't they scalping them?

Did Tarantino just make up that detail or do you think they really scalped Germans in World War II? I hope so. I certainly hope so. Why do you wish hate really scalped Germans in World War II? I hope so. I certainly hope so. Why do you wish hate on anybody, Greg? You know, it's so funny. I'm listening to this book now about the Warburgs, who were one of the original German—

Good Lord. Listen to it at one-and-a-half times speed. You brought it up four weeks in a row now. Go ahead. Let's do horoscopes. No, go ahead. Warburg, Warburg go ahead well it's just the germans are like this fucking family the warburgs was like propped up the german government they created international trade they fucking they they they financed world war one and then as soon as the as soon as hitler

comes around they just start fucking killing all these these Jews that were so integral to Germany. And it's just they're fucking bad people. Do we trust them again, by the way? Do we trust that they're not going to start another world war? Well, that's the great Norm Macdonald bit that he did in his final Letterman performance. What did he say? Well, he's like, people are like, Korea, Korea's going to bomb us. And it was really in the news like that month.

Like North Korea can reach California. They're going to bomb us. And he's like, and it's on the news constantly. And it's like, everyone's so afraid. He's like, that's not who I'm afraid of. He's like, if I'm going to be afraid of any other country, that's a threat to us. He's like, have you heard of this country, Germany?

He's like, I don't know if you're a history buff. I'm going to slaughter it. But he's basically like, I don't know if you're a history buff, but about 100 years ago, this small country, Germany, declared war. And who did they declare war on? The world. And he goes, and then anyway,

and then he gets to, and they lose and we beat them back and he's like, and just 20 years later, they did it again. He's like, they declared war on the world.

And he goes, and I know what you're saying. You're saying like, oh, all right, well, this one little country declared war on the world. It probably wasn't anything.

He's like, it was close. It was close. It is amazing how close it was, you know, because it was really just, it was Germany, Italy, and Japan, right? Was that the whole axis? Yeah, the axis of evil, yes. And he's like, you think they declared war on the world?

He's like, who do you think you are? Another kind of another planet. It's go, please don't trust me. It's so much funnier than what I just said. Cause he's, he's inimitable. It's go to YouTube, Norm MacDonald, world Germany or Letterman.

And it's his last appearance, which, by the way, is amazing, beginning to end, and then Norm Macdonald gets incredibly emotional and has to be hugged by Letterman at the end. Oh, wow. Please go watch it, because he stops his set, he finishes it, and then he talks about Letterman, which he knew Letterman did not want, and he mentions that. Yeah. That last week of Letterman was which he knew Letterman did not want. And he mentions that. Yeah. That last week of Letterman was amazing. Oh, Brian Regan.

All the favorites over the years. Yeah. Let's do the horoscope, Mike. Yes. I have not read it, which has probably cost me. I just pasted it in here this morning because I wanted today's. Here we go. Let me make it a little bigger so I can read it. If you wake up this morning and feel glued to the bed, perhaps that's where you should spend the day, Aries. I've been glued to the sheets a couple of times, but I was younger. I was a younger man. I hope there's something in here about not making it gross, Aries. But OK, you've been working hard and long these past few weeks. It only makes sense that your body would rebel eventually.

This is the day for rest and relaxation. The office will survive without you. Call in sick and then turn off the phone. You're likely to sleep better than you have in a long time. Okay. Is this horoscope writer unaware of the pandemic? Or were these written years ago? There's literally, you will never do that again. Now that we've learned that people can work from home, do you think there will ever be a sick day allowed in corporate America? The Northeast has already announced there's no more snow days. They figured out you don't have to come to school. Yeah, right.

It started with our cell phones where you couldn't really leave the office because they could still reach you and the fax machine. It started with the fax machine and then it was the phone, and now it's Zoom, and you're done. You're just fully 24-7 tethered to work. So take that, Leos or Sagittarius or whoever the hell the lazy ones are. Aries have been working hard. This guy's saying we should lie to our jobs

and not go to work because we've earned it. By the way, I can't do that. Like if I was if I was really sick, maybe. But like, I can't stay in bed all day. You think Chris Denman can call in sick to like organized riots now or gun running? Yeah, they'll actually they'll take a bat to you if you do that. They're pretty severe. There's no weekends even.

That's when they're busiest because people are gathering in malls. All the victims are out on weekends. That's right. Future victims, targets. Right. The majority of the time, the minorities are out on weekends. Yeah. You got to find them.

Okay. Entertainment. Okay. Okay. First story. Britney Spears is considering a tell all Oprah interview. Oh, I love it. I love it.

Spears is reportedly willing to share her side of her life story, but it has to be on her terms. Entertainment Tonight reported that the pop star is grateful for the outpouring of support from fans and fellow stars in the weeks following the premiere of the New York Times produced

documentary framing Britney Spears. So, I guess she saw what the masterful job that Oprah did with Megan and Harry and was like, yeah, I want that super focused journalist named Oprah. I want her to say what three times to what I have to say. And then I want her to be like, wait a minute. Are you saying you felt trapped? Like it's a fucking children's news show. Yeah.

By the way, you're blackfacing right now. You know. Did I tell you about blackfacing on the last show? Yeah. The what? So I've. Using Oprah saying what as a meme was something Colbert and a bunch of people did. And certain black activists said that's black facing.

OK, here's what I would say. I would say the black community, shame on them, because I think they're co-opting the white what? Which has been since the Marx Brothers and since that's all the Three Stooges did. The zoinks? Right, right. It goes back to Moses. When God was talking to Moses, he was like, what? Hey, Black, stop appropriating our what? Our flabbergasted, big-eyed, it's in every bad comedy that was made in the first half of this century. Whites should get credit for it. I would say if somebody was doing the what

in The Little Rascals, it was definitely, what was the black kid's name? Alfalfa? Just all of that last 10 seconds was wrong. It was buckwheat, you fucking moron. Buckwheat. By the way, it is funny that you mixed up alfalfa and buckwheat. What are these fucking names?

You know your show. Listen, you have to create character names if you're going to put on a production. And you should check your work if Spanky's your most, like, sort of normal name. Maybe the guy was cooking, and he got a message that he had to come up with the character names, and he just started reading ingredients. He was making pancakes. He's masturbating making pancakes. He's like, I already have Spanky.

But wait, what am I doing with my other hand? I'm making some flapjacks here. And I already got the syrup. It's on the back of my fist right now. Yeah. So, all right. Can't wait for that Oprah interview. That'll be good.

Okay, so before we get to high maintenance, have you watched any more high maintenance? I've watched the whole first two seasons. I can't stop watching it. They're great. Did you see, wait, did you see the one that ended in a deli, but an Hasidic kid, an Orthodox Jew wound up going clubbing in Manhattan? Have you seen that one yet? Yes, that was great.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, that whole Hasidic world is so fucking weird because they're living in like the hippest part of Brooklyn they're in the middle of Williamsburg where there's all these hipsters and girls with no bras and the young people

are going back and forth between two worlds a lot of them and it showed this kind of get together of his kids that were like smoking pot and but then they were going right back to, you know, the Orthodox religion right after it. And they had their own weed,

which was a surprising moment in it. Like, weed? Do weed? Because she thought she was offending them by saying you guys get high. But to me, it also feels like, listen, you and I have worked on shows and it's like, oh, my God. First of all, it just felt instead of casting it, it felt like they were half a documentary at that point.

Oh, totally. Yeah. It sounds like, hey, do you mind? We're going to improvise. Here's kind of the bullet, but maybe not even bullet points. But our story is that a journalist is going to date this guy. But you guys are real. This is your real apartment. Do you mind if we shoot it here and bring your real friends in? And,

and you can even tell us if something goes too far, like it felt like, no, I was thinking that like, is there really an actor that has the tails on his hair and who really looks that. And also they were speaking Yiddish behind her back. They were speaking Yiddish to each other.

Or I should say they were probably speaking Hebrew. You think they were speaking Hebrew or Yiddish? The first five minutes was subtitled because of that. Right. With the two guys in the apartment. Also, same episode. What about the, I guess it was blacks and Latinos who were at that crazy club.

Yeah. Unbelievably dry. That was a casting call, too? Yeah. Whoever's doing the casting on high maintenance is doing a fucking good job. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, it captures New York in the, you know, the influx of people that have gentrified the neighborhood. But it also captures, like, I think, a real local feel. It's it's very even handed and it's very it captures the whole breadth of of Brooklyn. I'm going to find this one for you that was from YouTube before it was on HBO of high maintenance, where that guy from Downton Abbey plays a crossdresser. If that's even I'm so scared to say anything nowadays is crossdresser still a thing. Can I say crossdresser? No. Really?

No, I have no idea. What do I know? But I got a letter. Then I guess a guy who's a little light in his loafers who dresses up like a fairy. Is that there? There you have it. You're going to take cross-dresser away from me? You have to say fella in that sentence. I got a letter, by the way, to the website, fitzdogradio at gmail.com,

if you ever want to drop us a note, send us a logo, send us some music. We're looking for some more songs. We're running a little low on theme songs, so crank them out. Do anything. And then also, so I got a letter from this guy that said, Mike asked you if you'd seen High Maintenance, and you said no. And then he sends me a screenshot of an email he'd sent to me last year, last October, asking if I'd seen and listed a few shows.

And I said, oh, yeah, I loved High Maintenance and I haven't seen blah, blah, blah. And he goes, so you lied to Mike. And it's like, no. And I remember writing that. I was like, no, I thought it was High Fidelity. I thought the guy was saying, have you seen High Fidelity, which was the Jack Black movie based on the book by Nick Hornsby. You save your lies for more important issues to me, I think. I think that's why I lied to him. Yeah.

I try not to lie. I interrupted myself before High Maintenance, but then I couldn't resist getting into it. That's the ADD in me. But what was I going to talk? Okay. So one thing during the pandemic can't resist getting into it. That's the ADD in me. But what was I going to tell? Oh, okay. So one thing during the pandemic is, and I'm sure a lot of people do this with like 100 greatest novels of all time, 100 greatest movies of all time. Like what a better time. Why would I leave this planet not having seen most of the 100 best films that an aggregate, you go to like film, film commentary.com. Sure. Rotten tomatoes. IMDB. Of course you go to like film film commentary.com sure rotten tomatoes imdb of course you go to the the academy here whatever it's called uh the afi list 100 best movies right all

of them okay you know what movies in every single one of those lists maybe not imdb or maybe not rotten tomatoes which still has like fucking you know the um the horse yeah, the Hulk is in there. Yeah, the Hulk is in there. So is The Searchers, John Wayne. Really? 1956-ish, I think. The Searchers, John Wayne. And it's a John Ford directed movie. It's in everybody's top hand.

I watched it last night. It sucks. Yeah. I can't believe you said yeah. Now Now I was on a couple of substances, so I don't fully trust myself, but first of all, they try to be funny a couple of times. It's terrible. And there were fun. I mean, don't, you can't blame it. Billy Wilder was doing great shit. You can't blame it on the year 1956,

but it cuts back to my John Wayne is just the worst. He's the worst. I can't stand John Wayne. Totally overrated. Oh, worse than overrated. He's just fucking. Also, my big theory. I do think I do think he's gay.

Oh, I believe that. I think it's a fact. He's such a just giant queen. And by the way, the reason there's disdain in my voice is because he was so against gays that's what's if you're wondering where i'm coming from yeah he was super conservative so that's my hate of of or that's why i'm so sort of angrily pointing the finger at him calling him a gay um but yeah, motherfuck him and John Wayne. That's what Public Enemy said about Elvis

and John Wayne. I really do hate him, actively hate him. And he's just prancing around and he probably changed some of the dialect. So much of the searchers makes no sense. You're like, why would that scene even be in here? It's just terrible.

I'm looking at an article about Natalie Wood. Natalie Woods in it. Young Natalie Wood. She's captured. And then they're like, you know, she's a Native American by the end of it, I guess, because the Native Americans, the Comanche or Comanche or whatever, however, John Wayne decided to pronounce their name. He they had captured her and brainwashed her. In the interview with Playboy magazine from 1971, John Wayne states, among other things, quote, I believe in white supremacy and calls Midnight Cowboy a story about two fags. Yeah, well, and he's also said shit about Indians. He is right about that. Yeah. I'm kidding.

Imagine what he was like with, um, broke back mountain, which is one of my favorite, easily my favorite movie that year, I think. Oh, that they made a Western with gay guys in it. Oh yeah. That they went, the two of them slipped in the tent and did what John Wayne was fantasizing about every day of his life. Right, right. Yeah, and he was a famous guy for also, like, they said he'd be the last guy at the bar, but then he'd be the first guy on set in the morning. And that's a sign of a guy who's holding on to a lot.

And you know who else is famous for that? Not necessarily drinking the night before, but first on the set? Tom Cruise. Oh. Well, yeah, but you don't think Tom Cruise is partying the night before, but first on the set, Tom Cruise. Oh. Well, yeah, but you don't think Tom Cruise is partying the night before. No, but he's the first guy on set. He does all his own. He'll get to set two hours early to practice the stunts that he's going to do for himself.

That's a twisted human being. Okay, you ready? James Corden. Yeah. We're doing a thing with Tom Cruise and to promote Mission Impossible. They're going to. Corden has never been skydiving and was legitimately fearful of it. And he's going to meet Cruise out in the desert here outside of L.A. And Tom Cruise is going to take James Corden skydiving. Great late night bit. Let's do it.

going to take James Corden skydiving. Great late night bit. Let's do it. Show up on the set. Tom Cruise has already jumped that day because he wanted to pick the tandem guy that would be best for James Corden. Then they go and they do the jump. Keep in mind, Tom Cruise is just a guy whose time we're kind of wait like, you know, everyone wants to do have him on the talk show promoting Mission Impossible. So he's just being bothered like everybody, everyone wants to do, have them on the talk show promoting mission impossible. So he's just being bothered. Like everybody else who has to do these publicity tours, Colbert is probably going to fucking take up two days of his time to do another stunt with him. And, um, they get to the ground. He's like, we're going up again. And Corden who's terrified is like, what? And he goes, I saw where the cameras were jumping. You need better coverage than that.

Swear to God. No shit. Fire up the planes. They jump a second time. Wow. Say what you will about Tom Cruise, which can be a lot. Don't get me wrong, but sometimes I'm like in a different direction, but can I get a little of that drive in my life? I know. I know. He has lived his life. And you know what? People who do Dianetics are like that. Dianetics fucking gives you... Every cult has good things about it. Right. You can laugh at that statement if you want. It's absolutely...

Even when you look at the guy, Ranieri, a lot of this stuff made sense until the... Of course, he went a little far with the rape, the widespread rape and torture and the branding. But the reason it became popular is these people weren't all insane. Things made sense. Well, look, fascism is the best way to run a country without a doubt because you're not changing policies every four years. to run a country without a doubt because you're not changing policies every four years

and everything doesn't get bottled neck in a fucking Congress or a parliament that shuts you down. If you got one person, and even if they're moderately competent, you're still going to be a more successful country. The problem is it goes too far and all of a sudden there's concentration camps

and all of a sudden there's people being taken off to prison without any transparency. So it doesn't work. If you could just stop a little short with cults and fascism, the world would be a better place. Well, the ones that get really big and all of a sudden are trying to kill half the planet and declare world, declare war on the world. It's because probably the early brochures had things that made sense. Obviously, they're preying on fear and all that stuff, but it's probably like, hey, self-actualization, let's live to your potential, blah, blah, blah.

Like, all right, this makes sense a little. And it's like, yes, and you'll help us build the gas chambers. Wait, what? Hold on. What? What page was that on? What about the philosophy part? This jumped from work hard, play hard to building cash chambers.

Can we back it up a little? Yeah. We're going to attack the world? Like the whole world? Yeah. So anyway. And of course, John Wayne. Don't even remember Little Feather accepting the Oscar for Brando. He had to be restrained in the wings because he was furious that the Oscars were being soiled by that.

Really? Fuck him. And the famous last shot, which gets all this credit. John Ford was in the cabin, the log cabin thing, looking out the door. And it's the most iconic shot of John Wayne framed. He doesn't come in. He's a silhouette. And then he saunters off. And that's his famous, stupid, bow legged John Wayne walk, which looks like he's hammered, which is pigeon toed. Like he's just he's just he's he's so flamboyant. That's what he is.

And by the way, he always wore a neckerchief, even off camera, he wore a neckerchief. I forget that guy. Now, and then there was that movie, The Quiet Man, that John Ford also directed, where he beats the fuck out of Maureen, was it Maureen O'Hara or Catherine O'Hara at the end? She's like, she's a ball buster. But the big payoff at the end, the big happy act three, is him dragging her through the fields and knocking her down,

and everybody kind of cheers. What a great guy. He was such a dick in this movie, too, but it really felt like, you know, I guess maybe he was perfectly cast in that way. Like, you don't want to go, like, you know, the guy's sister was killed by Indians in this little, like, bunker thing by the house, and the kid's trying to, like, where is she? He's like, you don't want to go in there.

And then he starts coming up and he just winds up with the biggest right and punch smashes him like, I told you you don't want to go in there. Imagine being his kid. He was probably the worst fucking father. I wonder how his kids turned out.

I'm going to look that up for next week. You're David Niven and you're a feet kind of and you're stylish. You pull off a neckerchief. I next week. You're David Niven and you're a feet kind of and you're stylish. You pull off a neckerchief. I get it. You're a big fucking like homophobic bore. You don't get to wear a neckerchief and you don't pull it off. All right.

Can I hold on? I got to plug my computer in. Oh, shit. I'm losing power. And my plug may not work. I think I was losing power on my John Wayne diatribe is that part of it yeah I think it sucked my computer dry

do you have that filter where after a certain while of John Wayne bashing it starts to just shut down yeah but I diverted it to do the Woody Allen story last week oh god alright so I snuck in your sort of guard was down on the John Wayne bashing.

Speaking of entertainment, can I tell you about the fucking worst entertainment of last week for me? First of all, I'm listening to that Warburg's... Are you? Well, it starts with...

I finished this book called... Country Section....called The Underground Railroad by this guy, something whitehead. And it's about slavery, but it is the most graphic, heavy, hard to take descriptions of how badly the slaves were treated. So I finished that. What? I'm in a mood. What? Wait, were these slaves trapped? And they traded you?

Wait, wait. They were racist? The slave owners were racist? They separated you from your children? By the way, we're joking. The royal family furnished exactly what we're talking about, actually. Never mind. Move on.

Go ahead. There we go. So I finished this book, The Underground Railroad. And then my buddy Pete Kars, who was like my best friend growing up, he sends me this documentary that he made about migrant farm workers in the Northwest. And it is devastating how taken advantage of they are and how hard their lives are. Are you talking about the grapes of Ratsitch? No, modern, like current. Oh, migrant now.

Oh, OK. But in a weird way, whites were the migrants originally, you know, the Dust Bowl and all that. Sure. Yeah. And then I'm in bed. And then we watch this movie called Minari, which is about this Korean family that moves to the Midwest to start a farm. And from the time the movie starts, you're cringing, going, any number of things are going to go wrong here you know there's so many precipice that you know they're going to fall down and so and of course they fall down and you just go like oh this is so fucking gut-wrenching and then yeah and then i get

into bed and i put on my fucking warburgs audio tape and all of a sudden the Nazis are closing in on him. So I turned it off. I'm so bummed out. I turn it off and Aaron is reading the Sunday times in bed and I go, read me modern love, modern romance. Modern romance is the feel good piece of the Sunday times every week. It's about somebody meeting at a train station after being friends from grammar school and they fall in love or somebody gets sick and they heal and they're by their beds. So she reads it to me. Well, hasn't this girl been molested from the age of seven? And she's an orphan. And she's a beauty.

And I just fucking, I did not sleep that night. I was up all fucking night. It's like, holy shit. Turn on fucking Bob Ross or wherever that painter is. He's like, and so what you do is if you're a cutter like I am, you take some of that red, you just put it in here. You use

the red from your veins right on the sunset. Whoa, Ross, even you? Where can I get relief? That's a good one, Mike Gibbons. Sure. What did you watch this week? Oh, international news.

Oh, international section. Oh, we're already there. We're already there. By the way, I saw Minari. I liked it, but it is not the week to watch Minari of an Asian family moving to the South. In the movie, were they in Arkansas or Georgia? Arkansas, yeah. Is that the Midwest or the South, Arkansas?

What are you talking about? It's the South. Is it? Bill Clinton, yeah. Okay. Get mad at me. I don't know. the south arkansas what are you talking about it's the south is it bill clinton yeah okay it's get mad at me i don't know it's east of mizora um okay the queen has been forced to cancel her birthday parade in london her majesty 94 was planning to hold the annual event in the Capitol on June 12th to mark her official birthday. The reason given, Megan ruined it. I'm not in the mood to party.

And you cut out most of the racist things that were involved with that statement. And the celebration is actually, in a weird way, it's called Trooping the Color. Oh, boy. Yeah. Not to be confused with what, Mike? Is that all I wrote? Not to be confused with? Was that a little placeholder for a joke to be written later? Those are function keys.

They write my setups and transitions for me. Are we doing Mad Libs, the podcast? It might as well say, talk about color, dot, dot, dot. Oh, I think I was going to write, not to be confused with trouncing the color, but I thought that was weak. And I'm like, there has to be a better something, obviously, being racist against the color. That's better than trouncing the color. But I gave up on it. And then you went to TikTok and forgot about it with your ADD.

To my credit, I'm not on TikTok yet. That's actually, it's a great parade, the Royal Parade, because Prince Andrew will throw royal beads to any of the loyal subjects who flash their tits. That's how he meets his ladies. And it's a shame because the royal band had just learned how to play WAP. They're trying to show diversity. Have you seen, there's a video of some girl, her dad's a very good trumpet player,

so she has him play these pop songs, the trumpet parts. So he does like Kanye and he did, you know, Wet Ass Pussy. So it's pretty funny. Yeah. Maybe it's, I guess it's TikTok, I think. I see it on Instagram. My TikTok's been letting me down lately. The last couple of days, nothing good.

Nothing good. It's really fucking, you know, because it learns you, but it seems to be where our relationship is not good right now. They're not in tune with me. Was Prince Andrew, he was the one that supposedly slept with the underage girl that- Yeah, with Epstein. How thankful is he for this Meghan and Harry interview? To take the focus off of him?

Totally. Yeah. I mean, there was damning, there was damning again, at least three sides to everything. But the documentary on Jeffrey Epstein had pretty. I mean, there were the photographs, you know, the damning photographs. And then, of course, what she said and if half of what she said was true. I mean, I don't think there's any denying the guy's a creep. He's a creep in this royal family needs to be canceled.

I have no idea why English people put up with taking their tax dollars to support these fucking. What do they do? What do they represent? Colonialism? I'm going the other way. Did I tell you my plan? I want Meghan and Harry to become America's royalty. Oh, I like it. I think I've made fun. I think I already said this last week, but I've made fun and hated my whole life, the royal family.

You know, the class probably taught me that early. So did Elvis Costello and you with your Irish diatribes. But I don't know. The country is now so fucking divided and almost irreparably that it's like, listen, Reagan was kind of like a king. The guy, he did a lot of damage. We wouldn't let this royal family do damage. We wouldn't let them do policy. But like maybe they're there for the pomp and circumstance when Congress is literally killing themselves. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, it could be a good diversion.

I do know how comforting the Queen Mum was. Legitimately comforting to people who didn't even like them. Not all of them, of course, but to some people that didn't like them. Like, you know, when she came on with her message during COVID, like, we've been through things like this. You know, she was friends with, you know, Churchill. Like, I've seen dark times. We're going to get through this. That's pretty comforting. She also fought against Diana when she was trying to work with people with AIDS.

She said it was inappropriate for her to be going to Africa and holding AIDS babies. Fuck them. Fuck them. Also, it was a little weird to keep Diana out of the Royal Palace. She planted landmines all around the Royal Palace. That was a little weird. Is that when Linda McCartney visited? She knew their, wait, not Linda.

You mean his new wife who was missing a leg? Oh, yeah. I got the wrong one. Linda had her legs. Linda had her legs. You couldn't play tambourine like that without two sound legs on the ground. Wait, who was the girlfriend who had one leg? Wife, I think.

Right. And then did she die? I don't know. No, they divorced. Oh. No, I think there'd be a true crime documentary about Paul McCartney if all of his wives were dying. Yeah, right. No, I think there'd be a true crime documentary about Paul McCartney if all of his wives were dying. Yeah, right.

It's pretty easy for her to fall down a staircase like in that documentary if she has one leg. Yeah. We're going there. Heather Mills, there it is. Heather Mills. Damn it. Yeah. Let's talk about the Czech zoos.

Another international story, Greg. Lonely chimps at Czech zoos take to Zoom to connect during this lockdown. Two groups of chimpanzees in two different zoos in Czechoslovakia plunged into loneliness and boredom amid the pandemic. But they found a new way to stay entertained thanks to an idea from the concerned zoo staff. Daily Zoom calls. Oh, what a great idea. At the beginning, this is a quote, at the beginning, they approach the screen with defensive or threatening gestures, but they have since grown to enjoy the connection. And now they're just jacked up on edibles and binging true crime like the rest of us.

You're right, right. We completely ruined this beautiful animal. Yeah, I mean, that's just it. You know, the chimps, they really missed the whole thing of being provoked by shitty kids jacked up on soda and ice cream. Now they bring that magic back into their lives. And by the way, I just want to throw this out there. When they watched the Woody and Mia documentary, they went and I think this is a quote, ape shit, which is next level chimp behavior. So when I do a pun, I feel a certain judgment from you and a condescension. And yet you pull that fucking turd out there are levels of wordplay greg that and there's levels an ape shit on a

chimp watching woody and mia is advanced wordplay i just i have to say it i you're simple wordplay i don't know what that was that was first impulse low-hanging fruit it was jerked to soleil but you know what it's about it's well if that's the that's the point oh your rhyme you rhyme quick it was quick it happened just like that. I didn't plan it in advance. You had all week. Oh, did I? Yeah.

As you put your stories in 12 minutes before we start the podcast. I was a little late this week. I was a little late. You're a little late. Also, it's free to join, by the way, this Zoom thing. You can watch it for free. But you have to buy the premium membership to watch them actually jerk off. The chimps?

Yeah, imagine how often they've got to wipe that screen down on the Zoom on the chimps' end. Our gold-level membership, they will throw their semen right at the lens. Mommy, what's the chimp doing? You're not getting that in private only or wherever the hell that stripping site is now where housewives and moms are stripping. Fans only. Oh, right. What's the one where. Only fans.

What's the one where it flips through to different people's screens? Everybody shows themselves. Oh, that was the best. I was working on a late night show when that happened. Oh, my God. Chat roulette. Chat roulette. Chat roulette. Chat roulette. It was like nine, eight out of ten of the guys masturbating.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And this would be one out of 50 would be a chimp masturbating. Imagine like, yeah, another planet like watching us and being like, what? So what's what this is? What this is this is what happens when a new technology gets released? So that's human nature generally. Yeah, right, right. You couldn't really defend it. You'd be like, yeah, I mean, definitely not everybody, but too many, definitely too many. But that's the history of technology.

I read this article about it. From caveman days, when they started drawing on cave walls, a lot of it was fucking somebody up the ass. It was like chicks getting boned, and then when they came up with the photocopy machine, it was so that they could make pornographic pictures

that they were distributing. That was one of the main uses for the printing press when it first came out. Yeah, the Gutenberg movable type. The first thing, they thought it would be the Bible. Interestingly enough, the church didn't want the Bible printed. And I think I'm probably slaughtering all this, so don't even write about it. But I think Luther is the one that called bullshit because he got his own copy and was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What we're being taught is not what this says. So the printing of the Bible slowed down a bit and it was pornography. It was whatever you call graphic novels and all that stuff. Smut. And then Smut decided the technology, which was it going to beHS instead of Betamax. And you think we'd be Zooming with this speed without pornography?

Also, taking online commerce. There was a whole movie about that. The technology to encrypt your credit card payments. Again, porn. Yeah. And what's Bitcoin? Bitcoin is so you can pay for fucking sex slaves being imported from another country. And terrorism and storming the Capitol. Yeah. I told you my broker, I called my broker about nine months ago and I said, I got a couple of tips on Bitcoin. Let's buy some.

And he goes, I won't do it. Because we go with him because he does socially conscious investing. He won't invest in petroleum, tobacco, anything he thinks is unethical. So I make less money, but I feel good about it. So he won't do Bitcoin because of that. And then it fucking doubled. It doubled. Greg, I would, but we have most of your money parked in patchouli oil. So do you want to sell that now?

I wouldn't. Yeah, yeah. You've got. I'd stay long on patchouli oil. Are you in oil, Greg? Yeah, patchouli. I'm just going to work out the jokes on the fly here. All right.

Sports. What do we got? On the fly here. All right. Sports. Oh, Jesus. Sports. Sports. Head story. My cousin, Denny McCarthy. Let me check the leaderboard right now.

He is now in. Oh, he's shit in the bed now. A follow-up. He's in 18th place. He started the day in third. You were too much of a pussy to do my bet that we talked about last week. So was Rabi. I wanted to bet all the unders.

We had a friend text me. You want to explain the tournament, the sport, the context? Well, I did last week, but it's March Madness. And I'll skip the long story. College basketball. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. No, it's the other March Madness, wrestling. And so don't you have the big wrestling brackets on your wall? So it's badminton.

So I bet every under, and we have a bet, and my friend bets every over. There's like 63 games. So anyway, this year a friend texted Rabih and me and goes, are you guys doing your bet? And we're like, I'm trying, and Rabih won't take it. So he goes, what should I do? Should I bet every over or every under?

And I'm like, so anyway, he goes with me because I'm a more sensible person, and he bet every under. The four-game play-in, which was Wednesday night, I think, or whatever, or Thursday, three out of the four unders. And then he gave me an update on Friday, seven out of the eight games that had already been played unders. I would have been crushing it at a hundred dollars a game, a hundred dollars a game. You would have won about $1,000.

I would have been close to $1,000, I think, yeah. Other big sports today, Ireland fucking trounced England in rugby today. It was a big tournament, and I watched it. I don't like that. I watched a bunch of it. Let me tell you something, man. You played rugby, and I respect that. These guys, they are animals.

They are so thick and so strong, and they're getting hit from behind, in front. They put their heads down straight into a tackle. It's fucking crazy. And I will say, more than soccer, they do nothing but run. Oh, yeah. Listen, soccer, as we know, they run their, especially compared to American sports, they run their asses off nonstop. But there's positions where defense holds a line and they wait till the action comes their way. The defense rests.

Rugby, the defense. That's a good one, Greg. There we go. And like that. Lightning. That's a sophisticated wordplay no rhyme even so anyway um rugby all of them we ran constantly and these are big guys running like that a lot of these guys are fucking thick of course who was that guy who was on your team that was from eng England that was really kind of husky? There was a couple, and those guys were, talk about like, keep calm and carry on.

They'd be bleeding, and they just, they were tough. And, you know, we were American football players most of us. And by the way, I only played high school football. We had a guy that came over. This is how good he was. He eventually made it onto the American Eagles, which is our national rugby team from Boston University, Wally. But he quit football. Oh, Wally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wally was legit psycho. Wally quit football. Boston University football, which is, I think, is that Division I maybe? Yeah, D1. Not good. Don't get me wrong. But they were players, and he came over,

and he had to learn how to hit the right way, otherwise he would have never lasted. But these British guys were tougher than Wally. And they get into that scrum, and they're leaning straight forward, just fucking pushing with everything in their legs. It's really insane to watch. By the way, do you know, in that scrum, one of the guys, one of the moves is you hit the ground.

So you're not allowed to touch the balls on the ground. And two guys leaning together like this. I don't know what you'd call it. Enmeshed? They're enmeshed and it's like a tent over the ball. And you're not allowedhed and it's like a tent over the ball and you're not allowed to touch it. So what you have to do is you have to push the other team.

So with your feet, you can kick the ball backwards so your backs can get the ball and then it's thrown out of the scrum. So it's like the opposite of a tug of war. It's a push of war over the ball. One technique is one of the guys gets on the ground and lays on the far side of the ball. One technique is one of the guys gets on the ground and lays on the far side of the ball. So the guys trying to kick it back can't kick it back because your body's blocking it. So they just kick the guys back mercilessly with cleats. Jesus. Like, I don't know how more rugby

players aren't paralyzed. What was the worst injury you got playing rugby? Oh, I had to go to the hospital. I got a blowout fracture on my eye. And what happened was the other team was winning and we were fucking furious. And like a bad athlete, I let my emotions get the worst of me and we were kicking off. And the last words I said, I turned to the guy next to me. I'm like, I feel sorry for the guy who catches this cut to me being taken off the field, bleeding forced like, like 14 seconds later, I ran down typical stupid American. I ran down as fast as I could. And I wanted to, I wanted to stand this guy up and drive him into the ground.

to, I wanted to stand this guy up and drive him into the ground. And I went in for it and to tackle them against all like the British guys would have never had this thought. They would have never tackled them this way. They would have been like, what's the best way to tackle them. So we get the ball and move forward and I don't get hurt. And I got an elbow and a blowout fracture. I guess your eye sits in four bones. Here come the letters from the few doctors that listen to our show. And one of the bones, I think, broke. And it could have been bad news. And my retina became partially detached. Whoa, no shit. Yeah, very true.

Damn. John Wayne would have loved that fucking sport. Of course he would. I mean, how gay is it? I wanted to smash a guy as hard as I could. Uh-huh. Yep. Speaking of which, let's get into some science. Okay. All right. Let's go straight down to they're going to clean up space, huh?

I don't have anything on this story. All right. Let's skip it. Should we go to business? Let's go to business. This is what you need to know about that story, though. We've polluted space so badly, we now have to start cleaning it up. Yes, we have apparently the equivalent of 720 school buses worth of metal floating around in space.

But space is pretty fucking big. Space is pretty fucking big, though. It was on some show. Did you? Maybe it was in the movie Nomadland. I don't know where I saw it, but it was pretty profound to me. And I think I've even said these exact words, setting it up on another podcast here that we've done. That space now, looking at the night sky, the natural night sky is gone forever.

Yeah. And no human ever, unless you're watching old footage, will ever see the pure nighttime sky. old footage will ever see the pure nighttime sky. Cause now it's strewn, not only with litter, it's strewn with all these things that are lighting it up. Satellites, uh, space stations and all our debris.

But like there is no, and there's a ton of satellites up there and it's a very unnatural night sky. Now there's only one solution. We gotta, we gotta launch that Swedish chick up there. And it's a very unnatural night sky now. There's only one solution. We got to launch that Swedish chick up there, the one with the autism. She'll straighten it out. You got to tell me more about this.

Greta Thornburg? Oh, the environmentalist child who won like maybe the Nobel or the Pulitzer or a gold star on her forehead. Some prize, probably. There's a star girl floating in the sky. Nice. Business, go ahead. Business.

Bitcoin is down a couple thousand this week. It's at 58.8 thousand. Still very high. Very high. Very high. Norm MacDonald, I remember uh i was reading his tweets about two weeks ago and he was like gonna wait till it hits 45 then i'm gonna buy it up it went down to about 46 he didn't buy shot up to 58 you the context he is famously self-admittedly

the worst gambler who's lost everything in his life twice. Yeah. So that's who you're taking your advice from if you're following his leanings regarding Bitcoin or any investments. Our contest goes on. Investopedia, not too late to join up. Go to the site. Go halfway down on the left-hand side. You'll see Join, whatever it's called, Fantasy whatever.

I'm going to do it. I'm smelling some good shorting opportunities this week. Do it. Get in. Mike still hasn't touched his $100,000, but Morningstar Stonks is up to $260,000. He's the leader. Apparently, he bought a lot of that game stop stock and i think he bought stuff on margins so there's two guys i shouldn't say guys they could very well be women

or homosexuals um and wait okay good a lot of questions so there's two people that are up in above 200 000 otherwise like third place is at around like 140,000. So that just shows you what you can do when you buy on margin. And the loser, once again, week after week, fitter 111 is down to 200, no, no, up to 30,000, up a couple thousand this week. He, I'm sure, has a bad bet story where he would have been above Sunday morning stonks if things had gone a little differently. Yes. That's the way it can flip. If you buy on margin, you can swing down, too.

I have swung down. I started with $100,000. I now have, ready for this, $99,700. You're down $300,000. I now have, ready for this, $99,700. You're down $300,000, but luckily I paid you $400,000 because your crush, your man crush on Tom Brady. That was weird

because I had a man crush on him, which I lost halfway through the season. I always felt very mixed when the Bucs won this year. You didn't feel mixed just about the homoerotic thoughts? He's a good-looking guy. He's a very good-looking guy. Yeah.

Did he get plugs? I got to think he got plugs. Absolutely. Well, man, they're good. But wasn't he like, and maybe not, I don't know, but I'm sure people have the side-by-side photos, if so. Yeah, I think that when you have that helmet on all the time and you're taking it on and off,

I really think that would make your hair fall out, wouldn't it? There's not that many football players with full heads of hair that far into their careers. I thought you were going to say it mats it down so it's hard to tell how thin it's getting. You know what happened? Maybe his helmet has those ultraviolet lights or whatever those helmets that they claim helps hair loss. Right.

Maybe that's why he keeps it on on the sidelines so much. Well, write us and let us know if you want to send letters to the editor, fitzdogradio at gmail.com. That's a fair question. That's a fair question. That's a fair question. We're not saying he's done any procedures with his hair, but we're asking, has he? Has he? We're putting it out there.

Letters to the editor. Let's read some. A chick named Joanne who says, I seem to really have a crush on these guys. I can see that. We're charming. Wait, who said that? A woman named Joanne.

Oh, cool. these guys i can see that we're charming woman named joanne oh cool and we also had a woman uh right in who is interested in uh mike gibbons she says hi this is stacy haven't missed an episode since you started the podcast look forward to it laugh out loud i have so many questions for you both i really would like to get to know Mike Gibbons. He really makes me laugh. We are close to the same age. We both have a similar... You lost him on that.

My age? And I'm not... Stacy, I'm sure you're incredibly attractive. It is just a joke about how old I am. Go ahead. We have a similar sense of humor. My hope for 2021 would be to meet him, possibly over Zoom, and who knows, maybe in person. Stacey, why don't we meet on Chat Roulette?

That's where I do my best work. She should just get on there and wait? Oh, she'll find me. She'll find me. I pop up. Trust me. So are you interested in doing a Zoom call with her? Am I interested in adding another Zoom to my schedule? How about Stacey? How about Stacey write in next week and we'll slowly learn more about her. All right, Stacey, right into the podcast and let's hook this up. Mike is single and ready to mingle. Just like everybody during

this pandemic, right? That's right. Then we got something from Brian G. Heard you complaining about people asking you questions they could easily Google. I know where this is going. I know where this is going. Yes, Brian, I'll do a Zoom with you. I am single and ready to mingle. There's an old website that is apparently still active called Let Me Google That For You. Wait, why don't you Google our podcast and listen to last week's? You did this one. Well, it ties into the Warburgs they they set this up the warburgs um let me do we do this one fitz dog tell mike i love the billboard idea i'm sure a lot did okay by the way in fairness i do want to say this i can't really keep track of our podcast too much. You do three

a week. Yeah. With letters in all three. I and you get mail regarding all three. Of course, I don't know how you do it. Actually, I don't I change that. I don't know how you don't do it. I don't know how you forget to take your fucking Ritalin. I'm not taking enough Ritalin. That's why I'm forgetting all this shit. I kind of got off of it. I don't really take it anymore. Hold on.

I have to buzz my kid in. I'll read this one from Charles McLennan. Go for it. He says, hey there, Fitzbald. Thanks, fuckface. See? Now that, that's world-class pun right there. I'm listening to the newest Sunday paper podcast, and you're talking about the guy in Beverly Hills

that got his $500,000 watch stolen. Well, Floyd Mayweather just bought an $18 million, quote, billionaire watch. What a total self-centered, look-at-me prick. That is a douche move. $18 million watch? My kid's locked out. I missed this. Oh, he's going off the one that was stolen.

Yeah, like what's, can he make an argument that it's going to be worth $20 million 20 years from now or something? I mean, obviously, that's the thing about being rich is whatever your house is worth, it doubles every four years, it seems to be when the economy is going well, your artwork triples every five years. Like rich, like even Jay Leno, like those cars that Jay Leno bought, those old like 68 Mustangs and the 1938 fire truck, like everything he buys, like quintuples in value. It's like if you have if you have crazy money it that's the

kind of investing you need to do well it also it was jay it was jay leno's you know truck that he famously drove around that adds value well maybe maybe maybe lowers it i remember when the writer strike was happening jay leno starts to pull up and you hear this crazy horn and i'm like on the picket line i'm like what's that and all the writers in that area knew the deal already they're like oh that's jay bringing us donuts on his fire truck i'm like what and i believe the car ran on steam yes i know for a fact it did. And it had a steam whistle. Yep. And that's what he drove up

to give the writers donuts. That's amazing. As he wrote 4,000 monologue jokes for himself, which he was allowed to do as a performer and did his, you know, Tonight Show.

Wow. Peter Cipriano said, Hey, Greg and Mike, I wanted to request a shout out To my neighbor Mark Long Who recently shared your podcast with me At first I resisted But he would let me drink all the beer

I wanted at his house while we listened To Sunday Papers Now I'm a subscriber Shout out to my neighbor Mark for being such an obedient listener Mark how nice Spread the word folks Trying to get these numbers up Scott Goldman Mark, for being such an obedient listener. All right. Mark, how nice. Spread the word, folks. We're trying to get these numbers up.

Scott Goldman. Yeah. On July 10th, 2020, it was reported that the U.S. Catholic Church may be the largest recipient of federal coronavirus aid at, ready for this? I can't. $3.5 billion. I just can't. $3.5 billion. I just can't. Eight months earlier, it was reported that the new wave of sexual abuse lawsuits could cost the Catholic Church more than $4 billion. Don't forget, they pay no taxes. Scott G. I talked about that last week a little, but we talked about it probably 20 weeks ago when that was going down and you and I

role played. What, what is that meeting like? It's like, so you're here for a loan. And we went into how on earth, if you had a company, you had a company that didn't pay taxes, that also was raping children that you have been caught, not only trying to hide, but then keeping the rapist employed and moving. Like, I can't even talk. There's there's no language that gets to how absurd it is. Well, I take three or four giant steps back from that and go, what is your organization do? and go, what does your organization do? Well, we perpetrate the mythology that if you suffer in this life and are meek, you will inherit the earth.

You will get heaven later. It's the ultimate fucking pliance into capitalism. You just tell the individual that this life doesn't mean anything. It's the next one. And we control people. It's the next one. And we control people. That's the origin. We control people through shame and guilt

because very similar to the story of Santa Claus, where there's someone always watching you, even when you're alone, a story that any sensible third graders, like that's total bullshit. We have sold that across the planet. Right. To especially poor people. Right.

Who take their little bit of money they have and they give us 10% of it. Oh my God. Yeah. And then, yeah. Anyway. The church does a lot of good. Thank you for that, church. They do more bad.

Sean Norton said, what's up, Fitz Dogg and Mike? It's Sean from up north, just outside of Toronto. Great fucking city. Seven grams of Coke is a, quote, Cuban. Did you know that? No, I thought it was a Canadian. I'd never heard that before. By the way, speaking of Cubans, I just did crazy Joey Diaz's podcast yesterday.

He's in New Jersey. He's the greatest. Is he going to move to Austin? No. No, he's very happy in New Jersey. That's where he's from. He's found his way, and he might get a little studio up in northern Jersey so he has a place to go to leave the house.

He needs that. He'll walk there every morning. That's right. Another, I don't think I should say this out loud. I don't say, I should say his name on the podcast. I think we're continuing to lose more of the comedy community to Austin. Yeah.

I mean, I know there's already been a big swing down there but it's like our friend who manages the comedy store no longer does let's not say his name and i and i think he's moving there and then you got rogan is there tony henchcliffe tom segura is moving there with christina pajitsky uh i believe sebastian moved there uh. I believe Sebastian moved there. Brian Redband moved there. We have to talk to Bert about it Monday. On and on. So many people. Because he's Segura's partner in podcasts. And there's new clubs opening up there all the time. There's like three new clubs being developed and are going to open. I guess they're already open because it's Texas.

being developed and are going to open. I guess they're already open because it's Texas. Well, I remember, and you were probably even on one of these shows, but I remember Rogan talking about the dream. Like, why wouldn't I go down there and open up a club, and we all do time there, and we get it well managed, and we run it fair, funny wins the day. I remember them fantasizing about that. Yeah.

I mean, look, if you're doing a podcast, if your main two things in your life are podcasting and going on the road, why not live somewhere? If you're not attached to LA, I happen to be attached to Venice beach where I live, but you're, if you're not attached to it, why not go somewhere where you're going to pay 10% less in taxes, which if you're making many millions of dollars really adds up you're flying you know you're flying from the middle of the country so everything's closer and um you know and whatever other upsides you find in texas oh i get a lot of upsides clearly it's great city

great city but you're also in texas which if i did stand up there i probably wouldn't do my john wayne is a big fairy bit. That's right. Although I think you can shit on the royal family in Texas. That makes sense. All right. Enough mail. Let's get to we want to hit the obituaries before we do the comics.

And that's all, folks. Okay. This guy. Sad to see this guy die. He wasn't that old. I don't have his age here, but I think he was about 64. Marvin Hagler, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, who, by the way, legally changed his name to Marvelous Marvin Hagler.

That's so great. But he was not a flashy guy. At a time when Muhammad Ali, he was in the wake of Muhammad Ali. I don't think he ever fought him, did he? Who? No, no, no. He's middleweight. Yeah. He had a 55-1 record as an amateur.

And he went pro and he took the world championship from Alan Minter in 1980, defended his title 12 times against Roberto Duran, Thomas Hearns, John Mugabe. It was Sugar Ray Leonard who ended Hagler's long run as middleweight champion. But he retired not too long after. I remember the fight that he had against... Who can forget it if they saw it? Oh, my God. The Tommy Hearns-Hagler fight was insane.

People say the first round of that fight is the greatest round in boxing history, and you can go look at at it on youtube i remember watching that fight it was the year after i graduated high school and me and my dad watched it it was when i don't know if you remember this hbo was not huge in the 80s and boxing was one of the things that put it on the map and marvin haggler was the king of boxing at that point he brought hbo onto the map as a channel and i remember watching the fight and it was you know hearns comes out and he's smiling at him he's doing some swagger and you

know the thing about haggler was just he was a journeyman he was he was a guy who just fought everybody anytime and uh so he this first round haggler gets cut on his forehead forehead and he's got blood all over his face also forehead and in the third round the ref pull stops the fight pulls pulls haggler into the corner looks at him almost calls the fight and haggler's like all right i gotta fucking end this and this, it was not a boxing match. It was a fucking alley brawl. They just exchanged blows. And he just went in and he knew it was going to end.

He knew the ref was going to call it. So he just went in and just within 45 seconds beats the shit out of Hearns and knocks him out. Remember the game Rock'em Sock'em? Yeah. So it's two kids manning the controls. The two boxers get near each other. And just, you just, it's a flurry of punches. Right.

So can I read this little excerpt I pulled up about it? Yeah. The highly anticipated fight between pound-for for pound monarch and longtime middleweight champion, marvelous Marvin Hagler and the hit man, Thomas Hearns exceeded even most optimistic hype as the duo produced, perhaps the greatest first round in boxing history in terms of two way action, 56 of 83 for Hagler.

All of his punches were power shots and 50 of 82 for Hearns. They combined to land a record that still stands 95 power shots in round one. Jesus Christ. Hearns. Okay. So in the third round, eventually, as you pointed out, there was the only knockdown and was Hagler knocked turns down and he somehow regained his feet, but the referee Richard Steele deemed him unfit to continue. Interesting side note, Hearns broke his right hand in round one. No shit.

Hagler outlanded Hearns 96 to 94 overall, but 90 to 67 in power punches. Anyway, it, and then the last line here down below, it was the most magnificent two-way battle that will forever stand the test of time as well as the sheer ring brutality. It, just go watch it. It's's three rounds and it was one of those where it's like you're getting ready for it it was so hyped you got your fucking chips this it's like hey it

like started it's and it went from like it started your guy's still in the kitchen getting his beer went to like the whole wherever you were you were like, holy shit. Yeah. It was unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And Hagler's style was he just came right at you. The entire fight was Tommy Hearns, who had a much bigger reach than Hagler. So Hagler just came at him. He just tried to get him against the ropes because once he would get him against the ropes, that's when he would land his shots. to get him against the ropes because once he would get him against the ropes,

that's when he would land his shots. And the thing about Hagler was, I don't know if you know this, he changed handedness mid-fight. He would go righty in the first round, lefty in the second round, and you never knew which side he was coming from. Like the Italian Stallion? Did the Italian Stallion do that? Well, he tried his best to fight righty, I think, right? But he was a southpaw, so he's like,

I'm going back to lefty. It was something like that. I didn't write it. So rest in peace, Marvin Hagler. God bless you. Thanks for all the great... Here's a short little Hagler story. Dan Brickner from Philly, where they have, of course,

the picture of the great fighter, Sylvester Stallone, up on the top of the steps. So Philly, always on have, of course, the picture of the great fighter, Sylvester Stallone, up on the top of the steps. So Philly, always on the right side of every issue. So we're in my aforementioned Subaru wagon, and we're driving down to the ferry to Martha's Vineyard. And I'm going to go see Jack. We know how expensive beer is on the vineyard. So we buy a keg in Boston and we, we, we tap the keg in my Subaru wagon and it's in the back.

And as we're getting close, I open container maybe was illegal at that time. Of course, drunk driving was, I was not drunk driving, but also we all of a sudden, Dan found a roach in my car also. So he's trying to light this roach. We're on rig route one, heading down to the ferry. And he tries to pass it to me. It falls on my part of the dashboard, which is the speedometer, the odometer and all that part. And it rolls.

This lit joint thing rolls and falls behind. It rolls up to the glass of my speedometer and falls behind. Oh, shit. We're trying to get it out. And then the smoke continues. And we're like, fuck. And I'm in the middle lane of Route 1. I'm like, fuck.

Is that going to burn up all the wires? Should I pull over? And he's like, maybe you should pull over. And all this craziness. And he looks over to see if I can pull over. And he's like, holy shit. It's fucking marvelous. And I'm like, what's should pull over. And all this craziness. And he looks over to see if I can pull over. And he's like, holy shit, it's fucking marvelous. And I'm like, what's marvelous? What are you talking about?

And we look over and there's Hagler in his black Mercedes right next to us. And he had been watching us freak out, trying to pry our dashboard away to get this burning thing. And he just gives us a wave and presses the gas and takes off. That's hilarious. Yeah. He was funny. He was funny. I remember seeing him on Letterman once and he was funny.

He had Letterman. Letterman loved him. By the way, if you saw that guy, like in a bar, it's true of any professional boxer of a if you saw that guy, like, in a bar, it's true of any professional boxer of a lighter weight. You'd be like, I don't know. I could probably grab this guy even if he can throw a punch.

Meanwhile, he would dice you up. Yeah. Yeah, it's so crazy. But, yeah, what a legend. All right, let's get to the funnies. But yeah, what a legend. All right, let's get to the funnies. Nathan Wheat, by the way, says, Does it not upset Mike that Bill and Jeff Keen's characters are named Billy?

He left out an L. And Jeffy. Any reaction to that, Mike? Well, one, I didn't know the kids were named that but it does infuriate me now that i know it you don't know their name that even though i tell you every single week you i just find that as an interruption and you throw them off my whole rhythm because i'm trying to like this uh cartoon and uh excuse me and so you throw me. It's part of my anger at them is your constant interruptions. Let's go to my favorite cartoon.

And this one is a gem. The Lockhorns. Leroy is standing at the front door. He's got on a pair of white socks with black slippers, some ugly cargo shorts, and a lime green sweater. And Loretta says, the invitation said casual leroy not casual tea oh no oh come on lower level lower level wordplay if you ask me i think their wordplay is top notch no sometimes it is uh the next one is they're standing outside the racetrack, and there's another couple.

And Loretta says, Leroy's horse came in first in the sixth race. Unfortunately, he was running in the fifth. Clever. That's not bad. That's pretty clever. Okay. You don't want to save some of these? You're going to burn all of these?

All right, let's go to the next one. It is our favorite wife abuser. Marauder. Rapist. He's walking with... I'm sorry, not... Oh, I jumped ahead. Go ahead. Oh, maybe I jumped ahead.

Did I miss one? There's a hagger. Oh, I did. There's a hagger. All right, so hagger is throwing a body of a live man over a wall to his death. body of a live man over a wall to his death and um as he does he says oof a day of viking work is backbreaking and his friend says oh how many backs have you broken today and hagger sighs as he throws a man to his death now it's fun as a seven-year-old to rush to get the cartoons, thinking you're going to see Dennis the Menace or maybe some family circus. And instead, it's rapists throwing live bodies over a wall.

Let's go to... Redraw this one with rape. He sighs. Yeah. He sighs at the end of the rape. How many backs have you broken today? Sigh. Andy Kapp,

who doesn't rape his wife, but boy, is he not a great husband. They're walking along and he says, never mind about us. Wait until we get home. Let's have it out right here and now.

So she turns and says, old me shopping for a sec and he holds her bags and then she fucking punches him in the face and then in the last frame he's on the ground with what looks like a a bruise and a broken nose he says they have no trouble acting like men when it comes to acting like gentlemen oh they have no trouble acting like men when it comes to acting like gentlemen. Oh, they have no trouble acting like men, but when it comes to acting like gentlemen. There it is. Now it tracks.

All right. I like it. Listen, it's still, you say the phrase spousal abuse, and you always think the woman's on the receiving end. It's true. That's what I like about their relationship. They keep it even. You got a family circus here, right? Yeah. Here's true. That's what I like about their relationship. They keep it even. You got a family circus here, right? Yeah. Here's a real piece of shit. This kid, and I honestly don't even know which one that is, even though you just told me two names, but I don't know. This little fat kid's running in crying and his hands are outstretched

as he's running through the door. Tears are just sort of exploding out of his fat face. And the the the pearl of comedy written underneath it is, Mommy, I hurt myself. All caps this much. I mean, is I don't I know I'm like this every week. This isn't an act like what the fuck is that? Honestly. Yeah. Yeah.

I want to I want to find Jeff Keen and stretch my arms out and go, your cartoons hurt me this much. That's a good. See, if I put a little work into it, I would have come up with that. It just it's so it like. Yeah, it's enraging and disappointing and yeah and uh yeah holy i want there to be another comic strip of family circus but now these kids are all adults and they're just cucks and they're alcoholics they're're just, they are soulless, spineless kids that have not been, they've been coddled by parents that accept their humor as funny.

So they're the bore at the party that goes on with bad stories. When is this going to get canceled for sucking? How about cancel culture goes after things that suck? Yeah, I know. Like, no, this should be canceled. You know who should not be canceled? Dr. Seuss, who apparently lived near this guy down in San Diego area. I think that's where these Keens live. I'm shocked the Keens use their real names. Who could put their real name on this piece of shit? Yeah. I know. You'd

hide that. That's kind of like one of those, you know, Tom Petty dies and there's like all these, like, a lot of unreleased tracks. He's probably rolling in his grave if someone releases, you know, a lot of people, you know, they release all of them. It's like, don't release that. Yeah. That was such a piece of garbage. I hid it from people. Yeah, right. That's what this is.

Well, this will cheer you up. Blondie. Okay. Oh, this one's fun because it's kind of a fashion show dagwood's sitting at the top of the stairs he's got on a suit for a change with a bow tie looks like a fucking asshole uh what's what's taking you so long to get ready sweetheart right out of the gate you're like hey dagwood why don't you shut the fuck up she's hot and she's trying to look better and she says decisions but i've worked my way down to the final four.

He says, honey, we're going to be late for the party. Yeah, you don't want to make an entrance with the hottest fucking blonde in town, do you? I'm sorry, dear. You want me to look nice, don't you? Which dress do you like, the red one or the green one? He says, the red one. And then she says, what about the shoes, red or green? He says, red.

She says, purse, red or green? He he says red she says purse red or green he says red which looks better the pearls or the chain chain and then the last frame they're at the party and a guy goes we were late too was it the dress or the shoes or the kurt or the purse or the chain he says all of the above how about all of these above? You deserve nothing. She is wearing this red dress, fucking slimming her waist. I don't know how she does it. Whatever. She should put out a fucking workout video because the bosoms are swollen. And yet it cuts in at the waist, cuts back out at the hips, in at the knees, back out at the calves. She's a fucking wet dream.

And this slug has the balls to sit at the top of the stairs and give her shit about making herself even hotter? Fuck you, Dagwood. Here's the only nice point. Is she getting chatted up by a guy? In that last frame, she's hidden behind a little dialogue bubble. I see that her shoes are pointed at a set of men's shoes and they're inches apart. You would think she's talking to that fat guy's wife.

Oh, no. I think it's another guy. It is. I think it's a guy. Okay. Another question. In the bottom right corner, same frame. Is that a mixed race couple?

It's a mixed race couple. Wow. Yep. Yep. Pretty progressive party for Dagwood. Yeah, I think of Dagwood as a racist. Just because he's such a simpleton. I don't think he could think outside of a, yeah.

The guy's like, relate to was it the dress or the shoes or the purses or the chain he's like i can't hear you right now do you see who this white woman's with next to us by the way what do you think of this royal family bullshit somebody made a good point about the royal family which is here's england that's all about fucking brexit Get all the foreigners out of our fucking country. And then we send them one of our hot citizens.

So here's an immigrant that comes into the palace. What's her name? Katie? Who? Megan? Megan. We send the Megan,

who's a foreigner, and they get mad when she leaves. I thought you wanted all the immigrants out. Is that a stretch? A Megxit, yeah. No, I like it. There you go.

All right, that joke will bring us to the end of Sunday Papers. Holy hell, it's late. Two hours and seven minutes. Minus the edits, which I'm joking. I don't think we've ever done an edit on Sunday Papers in a year.

No. April 1st, by the way, is our one year, is our one year anniversary. We put out our first episode April 1st, 2020. So let's look at the calendar. Wow, it sounds like we planned it. A sometimes comedy podcast premiering on April Fool's. know um so april 1st why is my calendar not working april 1st is going to be on next week so this this coming week will be april god is it already april 3rd no i'm sorry march 27th and then april so two weeks until our one year episode and we're gonna have something that's gonna knock your fucking socks off people we're going big it's been a year it's been an exciting year filled with support filled with so much content that you guys have sent us that we appreciate and uh we want to throw back that love.

And we've been producing a lot of stuff. And you're going to see. It's going to be unbelievable. I might have to figure out a little, to go to Florida next week, a little mic that goes into this H6 so I don't have to travel with this big mic. We'll talk to our tech people. The mic is not big.

You slide it into the corner of your suitcase. You gave me a cord. I'm going to call it your crowd work cord. The cord itself weighs about 11 pounds. This is the one that, what's his name in the Who uses to throw the mic around? Robert Plant? No. No. Why are we spacing out his name? to throw the mic around. Robert Plant? No.

No. Why are we spacing out his name? Tom's in adultery. Roger Daltrey. Roger Daltrey. So, no, I don't want to take this mic cord and mic down there. Maybe there's a little pretty good mic that I could find to hook up to this thing. Yeah. Well, when you got your new H6, it came with one of those.

It's called an omnidirectional microphone. Oh, so I just— Popped right into the top. Oh, so—yeah, so I'll just talk into that. Yeah. Perfect, man. But test it out first to make sure it doesn't sound like shit, will you? From what I hear, this already sounds like shit, so I'll just try to match it.

This has been Sunday Papers. Thank you guys for joining us. We'll see you again next week. Enjoy the news. Thank you so much. Yeah. And Mike, good hanging out. We want to thank all the people at Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, who do a

fantastic job putting the show together for us every week. And we'll see you next time. Hey, I have an interesting question before we end. Why don't we have this conversation on air? What do we think the promo should be this week? Oh, the video that we put out? A little inside baseball. I'm left to cut a little funny clip

that we try to keep under a minute and we go through the show. Chris has some suggestions if he's been listening through all his sort of vitriol that he's putting out in the world. And what do we think it is? I don't know how we had two Florida man's Florida man's usually pretty good.

Do one of those. One was about the guy cutting off his grandfather's ears. Mm hmm. We also had Britney Spears on Oprah. We could do the blackface bits. Okay. Yeah. Let's be,

it's a good week to put out something racist. Let's do that. Oh, what about the, the Royal parade? There was some funny jokes in that. Was there? Okay, I'll look at that.

Oh, the chimps at the zoo? That was really funny. I think that's the one. Maybe the chimps at the zoo. Yeah. Okay. I'll put out the chimps, although one of the jokes

was Woody and Mia. We don't want people to think we're just doing that. Hey, there was a very good letter from a listener. It was the most compelling argument yet that Woody did it to Farrow, which was her body memory. Yeah, that was kind of touching. That was a very well-written letter. No pun intended. Yeah. Even if the memory had been implanted, it probably wouldn't have been a body memory as intense as that. Yeah, yeah.

Now, that's why we laid off this week is we got a lot of mail from you guys, people that were reacting to our defense of Woody Allen. And the truth is, who are we to get involved in this this is this is between them and uh and i think that by taking his side uh we are whoa whoa whoa we were that's the other thing there was it was a blurry line between when you take woody's defense you're just saying we haven't heard his this was such a one-sided documentary we haven't heard his This was such a one sided documentary. We haven't heard his story. People would people blurred were. Oh, you're saying he's innocent, which I've never said. No, that's true. And I made that distinction to all the letters that came in as we are only saying that this documentary is one sided and doesn't prove anything. But I understand why people blur it and I understand why it's disturbing.

Yes. And it's probably not a topic we want to stay on it's over we're moving past it but you know what the chimps think Woody did not do it so I think that promo's fair go with the chimps always default to the chimps yeah alright we'll see you next week Mike

take it ish take it ish with Greg and Mike. Sunday Papers, yeah, it's what I like. Say, why don't you come on over here, Blondie, after I throw a move on the way. Read all about it. Sunday paper's all right.

Read all about it Sunday People Deadwood, you piece of shit