Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 56 3/28/21

Episode Date: March 28, 2021

Prince Harry gets his 1st real job; and his 1st boss who isn’t wearing a crown. Amazon drivers are shitting in packages and poor Ellen’s ratings have fallen by half.     

It's the Sunday Purpose Podcast with Gravely Simmons and Michael Gibbons. The next thing you know, another week has passed. And Gravely Simmons and Michael Gibbons again. Read all about it! Oh, gee. Read all about it. We got you. I can't.

All national news today coming from Raleigh, North Carolina and somewhere in Florida. Read all about it. That's it. Wow. All right. You woke me up. I'm a red eye with a connection and you still woke me up. Mike flew from Los Angeles to where'd you fly to?

West Palm Beach? Yes. Well, yeah, that airport is called PBI, Palm Beach International. And they don't like putting the West. Was there in fact a did they do your hair? Was there a hairdresser on the flight? No. So it's a little humid here. And the hair has grown three sizes today, I'd say. Also, also on the flight, I had two masks and an eye mask. I felt like I was like in some like a motorcycle race across the desert. Right. Did you have a hat on? What's that? Do you have a hat or

a hood on? Uh, I didn't do the hat or I should have brought a hoodie. Hoodies are a good call for a red eye. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And I didn't do that. I did bring earplugs, but I didn't need them. You didn't listen to anything? No, I left at 11 p.m. I took in I went into the airport. I got a double vodka soda. And then I learned my mistake, though. I I waited till the flight was like I was walking onto it, even though some people say that's still a rookie move. And I popped the Ambien on a full belly of alcohol as I was walking on the plane. So I was out when we were on the ascent. You don't want to repeat that story where you took an Ambien early and then the flight was delayed and then you missed the flight.

No, it was it was more stupid than that. It was with Brody and Zach and everybody. We were going to New York. I got as many red eyes as I could for the budget we had. Anyway, they were all on another plane. I was on a plane and it worked out. My red eye was going to land an hour earlier in JFK. I was going to get the car, meet them. So I'm dropping these, you know, it's, you know, Brody and Gubbins, I think a bunch of anyway. I'm like, all right, I'm meeting you at Terminal 8, JFK. I'll be outside with the car, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you know, all worried about them.

I go in. I'm like, I got to sleep, man. We're hitting the ground running. We're shooting. Zach was Galifianakis was hosting SNL. And so we were meeting him there that day. All that shit. So I go into whatever that seafood place is in LAX and that chain and I and I get it like a vodka soda and I take Ambien

there and I have to wait like I'm like 45 minutes early or whatever it is. So I'm waiting and I'm looking like it's stuff on my phone. And it literally happened like this. All of a sudden, I look at the clock on my phone and I'm like, wait, is it? Did they board? And then I look at my vodka soda and it's gone like someone drank it while I wasn't looking. I run out. I run out to the end. It was Virgin.

I remember this was Virgin Airlines. I run out to the end. It was Virgin. I remember this was Virgin Airlines. I run out to the end. I run towards the gate and I see them closing the door and like little dramatically like coaching. And I just stand there and I turn around and they're like, are you Mike Gibbons? And I'm like, yes. And they're like, we've been calling your name for 20 minutes. And I'm like like is that I go but that's the plane right there I can still see it and they're like yeah and I'm like uh I go and then I said I like thought for a second I'm like just be polite and maybe you'll get your way and I go is there anything I can say to make you that will open that door so I can walk on my plane. And they were like,

thank you so much for asking that way. No, there's nothing anyone can say at this point. When that door is closed, it's closed. Like that's just FAA. Yeah. And I was like, oh, and I, that's the sedation of this ambient. I was like uh can you guys find me a hotel room like nearby and and what's the next flight like next flights at 6 a.m and yeah we'll help you get a hotel and they they i think they've seen this before and they took care of me meanwhile those guys land there's no rent-a-car they have to get to new york on their own and not not a bunch of guys well equipped to thinking on their feet. Dennis Gubbins probably had a thousand milligrams of gummies. Brody is probably

distracted by nine other things. Yep. I think Joe Wagner was also part of that. I love Joe. But yeah, it was very interesting. We were filming that Brody documentary we did, which wound up on Comedy Central. Anyway, this this Ambien worked out, but I did have to connect, which is a shitty story because there's no direct flight here in Atlanta. But I just wanted to go to Georgia because, you know, they have such good news this week out of Georgia. Yeah, we're going to get to that. I'm in Raleigh, North Carolina, doing some shows thanks to the people that came.

A lot of people came out, a lot of listeners. The shows have been packed, as packed as they can be. They keep it at 50%, but they've been filling up. Delta keeps it still very reduced, and I think they deserve bragging rights. My sister, who's here, flew out JetBlue, packed. Yeah, Delta keeps the middle seats open. It's fantastic until the end of the month,

and then they're going to do it again. But hey, did you hear we're not talking about this in the news? I read a headline. Of course, headlines are trying to grab attention and all that. But boy, did it that kind of officially now Europe is worried that the third wave might be worse than the. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No.

And Fauci has warned us about it. As we are relaxing all the protocols, which I'm, look, you know, there comes a time. Numbers are way down. It's time to let people out a little bit. But it could dovetail into, you know, us being more loose as this new strain hits us hard. Brazil is out of control. Out of control. Yeah.

No, it's bad. I heard. Yeah. It's terrible. God, I can't. Another wave? Holy shit. Well, if it happens,

maybe we should just go to Bert Kreischer's house. There's plenty of room. We can each have a separate wing of the house. Yeah, we can camp in that construction site backyard. Yeah, we just went there. We did his podcast. Mike and I had never done somebody else's podcast together before, and I thought it went pretty well. I think so, too. Boy, it was long. Two and a half hours, right? Yeah. I had no idea. I only knew it was that long because by the end i think my jaw

was open and i was sort of like having a hard time focusing anymore yeah which is why it was so great to have you there because normally like if it's one like i do rogan's which is three hours i can't imagine and that and it's one-on-one so you can't really break eye contact for three hours straight. It's very intense. Yeah. I know. Well, and, you know, this is—well, I wonder, how uncharted is Rogan's? Because this one was a free-for-all. I mean, Bert didn't even have an index card, you know. It was just a legit conversation that meandered, you know, organically.

No, that's exactly what Rogan's is. Exactly the same. Yeah. You know, there's more there's a video element to Rogan's where, you know, his producer, Jamie, will pull up images and videos as you're. Yeah, I got that right. But no, it was good. So our song this week, we want to give it. By the way, this is, in fact, Mike, our one-year anniversary. Get out of Dodge. Yes, it was April 1st, I believe, of last year that we did our, around April 1st of last year that we did our very first podcast. We did a couple practice ones on the Fitzz dog radio site and then this is the uh

when we started sunday paper site this is it so uh congratulations to you and me oh and we're gonna do it we're gonna do it through the fourth wave of this virus yep we'll be with you until there's not that many people listening and it won't because our ratings are down. And this is going to be a short one because, as we said, we're in different places. Mike's in Florida to help go through his stepmom's stuff with his father. His sister's there, so we don't want to cut into your time too much. Sister's here.

No, please cut into that. And stepsister, they're right outside that door. They'll probably barge in here because she has a closet in here too that's Sisters here. No, please cut into that. And stepsister, they're right outside that door. They'll probably barge in here because she has a closet in here too that's right here. But it's a very Florida situation except the AC is not working that hot. No. Yeah, so I'm going to be getting redder and sweating

as this goes on. Yeah, no. And I have like this computer is on two pillows which is on like a little luggage stand. Or like, yeah, it's happening. It's really happening. Mine is on a, mine is set up on a suitcase on a table. This room, check out this room. My hotel room is through that door.

And then the hotel gave me this suite oh my god it's just like uh you know sometimes on on the on the penthouse floor they have like a lounge well since the lounge is closed because of covid they just like opened up my door which connects to it i've got this huge fucking suite look at you yeah so i'm large. When are you there until tomorrow? I leave tomorrow morning, back in L.A. by 11 a.m. At the beach by noon. It's going to be 78 degrees. Oh, my God. When do you go back?

I hope all that goes well. Is there a direct flight? Direct flight, baby. Wow. Yeah. On U.S. Scare? What do you fly? No, baby.

Delta. Middle seat open. Nice. scare what do you what do you fly no baby delta middle seat open nice i take a little two and a half milligram uh pot mint and then uh i got my neck pillow i've got my eye mask i've got my mask for my uh face i've got my hoodie and i've got bow's noise canceling speakers i call it a mini suicide well yeah i was gonna say, thank God that small dose won't get you too paranoid because you have every reason to be paranoid. Oh, is he looking at me? Listen, I'll tell you right now. The answer is yes. Is everyone looking at me as I come down the aisle? Do they think this could be a hostage

situation? By the way, I don't know if any comedian's ever done this bit, but it's so true. I once sat on a plane and for some reason I was incredibly present and I was just checking out everybody walking in. And this woman walked, walked in the aisle

and was making her way down, looks at her ticket, looks at the seat number, walks another few steps, right? And this is nothing, you know, nothing unusual. Looks at her ticket number again, looks at the seat number, walks another few steps. Right. And this is nothing, you know, nothing unusual. Looks at her ticket number again, looks at the seat number. Dude, she did it four times and walked over 20 seats and passed me. And I'm like, what? What is she thinking? Like, is she like, you never know. They might just go out of order the numbers may not be sequential

it might be like a little april fool's thing so let's see i'm numb i'm row 31 let's see eight okay let me go up four what is this row oh this is 12 okay and she did that four times yeah like what what is going on? I know. And then she's got to swim upstream against everybody else that's coming up now and holds up the whole fucking line. I had a woman on my flight out here who immediately start. And I try not to talk to people on planes because you just know you got your hoodie, your headphones, your neck brace, your bait. And I hold up the finger. And this woman starts right in on. I can't believe we have to wear these masks.

You know, these things are as harmful. It's as harmful to wear these with breathing in your own air. And I ignored her until she shut up, until she realized she was talking to a wall. But part of me wanted to go, yeah, and you know what? This whole thing about the round earth, it's such a fucking conspiracy. It's the fucking liberal elite media can i have two of your unused masks to jam in my ears do you miss

because they definitely work that way yeah um all right we want to give a shout out to emmet hall who did the song this week what'd you think of the song this week? It was very Reggie Watts sounding. I liked it. It had a nice groove to it. Also the logo from our friend Melody Myers from Phoenix. Look at that. She's fantastic. She does good work. I like that a lot.

She actually does it for a living. She makes graphics for a living. Wow. She sells these Sunday Papers artworks for a living. She must be living high. Hey, should we make a T-shirt, by the way? I don't know. I mean, it wouldn't be hard to do. We just have to pick our favorite logo

that's come in over the weeks. I thought you were going to say, it's not hard to do. We just have to pick our favorite podcast, maybe Rogan's, maybe Segura's, and then print up the T-shirts and sell them. Chris Denman, our producer, just said, We can make shirts.

You should have each logo in the online store. I don't know what that means. All right. Available. Corrections from last week. Ready for this? None. We didn't get anything wrong that means we had no listeners that's right tour dates coming up i'll be in philadelphia at helium comedy club

april 22nd to the 24th also coming to kansas city had to change this date i'm now going to kansas city april 29th through may 1st tickets Tickets for all dates available at FitzDawg.com. Oh, shit. Next week's correction is you had corrections last week. By the way, I just realized I don't have a newspaper. Do you? Oh, no. Neither do I.

Wait, I can make. Hold on. There's a little wrapper that the microphone came in. Want me to do that? I can get paper. I can get paper. Go get paper. I'll talk for a minute.

All right, go ahead. So I had some fun shows. We're recording this on Saturday. I came in Thursday. David, I got paper. There we go. I almost got to the point where I talked about my standing ovation on the Late Show Friday last night.

Come on. Yeah, I got off stage. I was just so fucking happy to be doing stand-up. And this is such a great club. And I was walking through the crowd, just stopping at each table, just riffing with people. And I was out in the audience for like 20 minutes. And I think people really kind of dug that. Nice.

And there was a heckler who was just a drunken asshole lady and sometimes you have to make a human sacrifice on the Friday Night Late Show because if you let one person talk, it's going to be a free-for-all. So I fucking traumatized this woman to the point where she just kept a permanent scowl on her face and stared at me for the rest of the show. And she was sitting to the side of the stage so the whole crowd could see her scowling.

And I would just look at her and smile. And sometimes I'd look at her scowling and I would laugh. It was fucking beautiful. She was the mask woman from the plane who came to your show. All right, Mike, let's hit the front page. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Oh, here we go. These are not really newspaper sounds.

What do we got? Republicans in Georgia passed sweeping elections bill that voting rights activists say is a bald-faced attempt at voter suppression the new law imposes new voter id requirements for absentee ballots empowers state officials to take over local election boards limits the use of ballot drop boxes, and makes it a crime for voters in line to give them food and water. The vote law is seen as a win for former President Trump and his allies who falsely claimed widespread voter fraud during the 2020 election. Trump himself pressured Georgia leaders to overturn Joe Biden's victory in the state. Yeah, here's the thing. Here's the

thing, everybody. It has officially turned into the Republicans. No, they they lost half the voters, more than half the voters. And instead of going, let's have a meeting and discuss how we can court these people that we seem to have lost. They said, no, instead, let's go back to Jim Crow voter suppression laws. Let's attack the solution that way. Yep. Now, you know, that newsletter we occasionally read by that historian, she said she gave credit to Will Bunch of the Philadelphia Inquirer. of the Philadelphia Inquirer. He pointed out that Kemp, that photo op where they were signing the bill,

they sat at a polished table with, he sat at a polished table with six white men around him under a painting of the Calloway Plantation on which more than 100 black people had been enslaved. Wow. As the men bore witness to the signing, Representative Park Cannon, a black female lawmaker, was arrested and dragged away from the governor's office. Wow. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing, folks. There were 60 different investigations about voter fraud. They all came up zero. There was literally almost no voter fraud

whatsoever. Get over it and start working for your constituents and stop trying to stop fucking democracy. Just sore losers. And the right loves to point out sore losers and all that stuff like they're like the the tougher, you know, the tougher sort of group. So tough that they they can't put a mask on their face. Anywho, you know, I love that you can't give water to people standing online. I think that one ninety five page document. That's one of them in there. You can't bring food or water. I think they should also stop.

Stop Trump supporters. You can't give them any Kool-Aid while they're waiting online. There you go. There we go. That's the joke. All right. Let's get out of politics, Mike. Oh, here we go. Nobody likes politics. Oh, we're in the same front section. No newspaper. Go ahead. Okay. The Duke of Sussex, Harry, Prince Harry, has joined Silicon Valley startup BetterUp as its chief impact officer. BetterUp provides coaching and mental... Yeah, I think they designed a new job. They just want this fucking guy on their roster.

They do coaching and mental health services. Their website lists Harry as part of its leadership team, describing him as a, quote, humanitarian, military veteran, mental wellness advocate, and environmentalist. All right. You know what's not in his description of his skills? Loyalty.

Right. Yeah. You're not going to find that under the description of Harry. And I hope this company is okay with him being married to somebody of color because his last job, he ran into some issues with that. Well, just wait until they ask him what color he thinks his third baby is going to be. He doesn't take kindly to that. Also, I mean, you hire a guy from the royal family.

It's going to be a little awkward when his boss has to address him as your highness. Your highness, can you grab me some coffee? as your highness. Your highness, can you grab me some coffee? Yeah. Your highness, I said I liked it pretty light. This is a little dark. Is this going to be an issue?

Because I saw how you handled your family. Yeah. This coffee, let's just say, how do I want it? You know your baby skin? Picture that tone light light and sweet your highness your highness got a job good for my parking spot your highness good for him they're saying it's it's tough out there for white guys but not this white guy you got one nope i like it. This is a story about a steer that escaped from a slaughterhouse in February and was captured after wandering a Rhode Island town for nearly two months.

Johnston, Rhode Island, which I've done shows in, Police Chief Joseph Raza said the steer, in uh police chief joseph raza said the steer which was had been periodically seen in johnson since escaping the rhode island beef and veal slaughterhouse was captured early friday morning raza said legend lewis the connecticut farmer who owns the steer wrangled the bovine he said the owners of a new jersey animal sanctuary have expressed an interest in giving this deer a new permanent home. Yeah. On their kitchen table and in their bellies. Meanwhile, the cow is just out there trying to tell everybody, like, listen, guys, forget about me. You got to see what's going on with the veal.

Like, forget about it. Yeah. Yeah. They can't even move and now that he's escaped it's just and been rescued into a beautiful life in new jersey it's a matter of time until they're all fucking it's good there's gonna be an underground railroad for cows in rhode island this is making rhode island sound like it's nebr Nebraska with like the next fence is a mile. Yeah. Rhode Island's like, you know, just nothing but highways like crazy. Yeah.

Also, how long was he loose? Two months. Two months. He must have done all of Connecticut and Massachusetts. Two months. There's not enough land in Rhode Island to wander how did he eat I mean this was in the winter there's there can't be much grass and hay for a wandering cow I think I think people were aiding and abetting him he probably loaded up on veal i'm guessing and then yeah it's sad story uh this one is a happy story

oh it comes out of a maryland bomb squad they were summoned to the home uh to a home to safely dispose of a civil war era cannonball discovered with its fusing mechanism still intact oh man uh they uh they came to a home in jeff Jefferson where a resident reported they had been given the cannonball by a relative who found it near the Monconky Battlefield in Frederick County. They said it was, the fusing mechanism was intact and it could potentially still be dangerous. Well, I think a lot of the insurrectionists packed those. That was their Civil War flags, Civil War artillery. I think it fell in perfectly.

I think they should use one of those Confederate Army reenactor groups. They should have to defuse the bomb using only tools that were available in the 19th century. Let's get a crowd together for that. I'd watch big time. I didn't realize cannonballs had, this is going to sound stupid, I didn't realize that they had gunpowder in them. I thought that they were just steel balls that got shot. I think some of them are, but you're right.

I didn't think about that either. I remember in school, we went down to like Williamsburg and and it was like, you know, they're all I mean, what a job that is. They're all dressed up like, you know, churning butter and shit. And anyway, they told us, like, if you tried to like stop a rolling cannonball with your foot, it would take your like the bottom half of your leg right off. Really? Which none of us believed. But anyway anyway it was told to us yeah the amazing thing is i read uh do you ever read 1776 it's about washington and the basically tracks most of the civil war but um but they used to fucking lug cannons from like Old Forge, New York, across a bridge on the Hudson River and into Massachusetts. Now, there's no paved road.

You're taking a fucking cannon with wooden wheels through the woods in the ice on a fucking two-month journey to get into a battle. Are you shitting me? I mean, I wonder how effective cannons were. It's one ball. Yeah. And maybe it explodes. Is that what we just learned today?

I guess if you aim it right, you can rip through two or three guys, maybe a couple of girls. girls well i think it would be to take out like you know shelters or other maybe other cannons i don't know we're so dumb but meanwhile all the cartoons did have that fuse remember the cannonball would be lit so what are we talking about of course they they explode. Yeah. Oh, my God. Those are the Acme cannonballs. Right.

The leak. There was a leaked memo. You want to read this story, Mike? Yeah, I saw this. And it's speaking of our wordplay last week. It's some nice wordplay here that you don't know until you get to the end of the headline. you get to the end of the headline. Leaked memo shows Amazon knows delivery. Sorry. Leaked memo shows Amazon knows delivery drivers resort to urinating in bottles. Amazon caused an uproar on Thursday when it denied reports that its delivery workers have been forced to urinate

in bottles due to a lack of access to bathrooms. But a leaked internal memo shows the company has been aware of the problem for at least several months. Now, here was the statement, okay? Because all we're thinking about is peeing in bottles, right? I mean, the go-to bottle when I used to do road trips was Snapple. I'm not bragging, but you know what is amazing is were you ever shocked at how fast you could fill a 12 ounce? Like, let's say you had to do it in a can. Yeah. You're like, there's no way I'm near the top.

And all of a sudden there's pee everywhere. And you got to clip it. You gotta, you gotta tighten up your kegels. Big time. And it does. And that takes a little while sometimes when you really have to still go. Anyway, here was the statement by Amazon on an internal memo quote this evening, an associate discovered human feces in an Amazon bag that was returned to the station by a driver. This is the third occasion in the last two months when bags have been returned to the station with poop

inside. We understand that DAs drive, oh, that driver associates may have emergencies while on road. And especially during COVID, DAs have struggled to find bathrooms while delivering. Regardless, DAs cannot, comma, all caps, must not return bags to station with poop inside. Now, this is a giant corporation where, you know. Giant, arguably one of the world's largest. Where semantics are poured over. They had to come up with a word for feces. They went with poop.

Amazon went with poop. Yes. Well, they already put feces. They went with poop. Amazon went with poop. Yes. Well, they already put feces and then they're like, you know what? We're going with poop twice more. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. I mean, I never thought about that, but yeah, these Amazon drivers, where do they go to the bathroom? You know what? How was poop not in the headline? I think it's because they love their little leaked, their little leaked wordplay. Yeah. But couldn't they be like Amazon memo drops, you know, or something like that? Amazon shits out a memo about drivers resorting to.

Totally. Totally. Yeah, that's amazing. Well, you know, it's Amazon unloads memo. Oh, my God. Amazon can't clean up rumors about. Yeah, totally. Oh, my God. It's disgusting. I'm going to think I used to like at the beginning of this worry that, oh, is there COVID on my Amazon deliveries? You know, on those boxes? No, COVID can't survive the driver feces that are all over it. Well, you know, our friend Matt Malloy drives across the country every summer because he's got a summer house in New York.

And he will drive from L.A. to upstate New York in three days, which entails pissing in a lot of bottles. He has a gallon container that he pisses into while he drives. I think there have been times he's made it with two nights on the road. I think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He pulls in on that third night,

I believe. Yeah. Just with shit all over the car. Yeah. Um, uh, well, well wait there are true he rarely does it he has one of the biggest hearts we know he rarely does that trip without rescuing a dog that he finds at a filling station oh yeah and it's there's a reason why the dog's at the filling station he's an unlovable dog. He's an unworkable pet.

He has rescued dogs that are missing half their hair, half their teeth. They have diarrhea. They bite. And then he fucking saves them. He's like the last resort for dogs. One trip that took longer than he wanted, he rescued a dog. And then as he's driving down the road, he starts itching like crazy. He turns around. His whole car is full of fleas. He had to on to Florida, man. Florida, man.

OK, here we go. This was sent to us by a listener, Tom Marcotte. I don't know how you'd pronounce that last name. It's almost like a Marquette, but with a D in it. Anyway, Pompano Beach chaos unfolded at a Pompano Beach park last week after a driver was accused of slamming her car into a woman and her three year old grandson. The grandmother said, had I not picked him up, she would have ran completely over him and he would have been under the car. The driver said she went to the park. This is he would have been under the car. The driver said she went to the park. This is what she told authorities after being arrested. She said she went to the park to settle an argument with another woman and she got emotional.

Quote, I was attempting to run the other woman over, but then I see someone put her out of the way. What? She I mean, that's a pretty good. That's a very viable excuse. I was trying to run someone over, but not this poor grandmother and her grandkid. I got a lot more information here. I need to know what the dispute was with the other woman. And yeah, you're right. i don't think we got those despite what our listener last week said about florida being forced to release more uh police that i could not find that information what do we think what do we think the argument was over it's florida she got very emotional there was drugs involved it was something to do with it was there

was an ex-boyfriend i think it's almost like a refrigerator magnet story that's what that's what florida man stories are there's refrigerator magnets one says meth one says ex-husband one says alligator one says police and you just mix them all up and you make a new story every week do you why yep it's not as easy as it sounds though because you got you got that little meth magnet but then you also have the bath salts magnet so it's like usually you have to choose one but not all the time in florida no no you can make a very long little florida man out of this now chris is saying fighting over their boyfriend slash cousin. That's his joke, is that they're both a boyfriend and a cousin.

Are we sure it's a joke? I don't know. Is it a joke, Chris? He's got to write yes or no now. Probably. I think he's going to be embarrassed to write yes. Cousin was kind, by the way. He wrote seven dots and then deleted it.

I'm going to go with he meant that as a joke. I think that's, he doesn't have much more time. He has to get back to his violent chat rooms. Yeah, 4chan. Hey, what's our horoscope this week, Mike? Oh, Aries. We're bitches,

but we're cool. All right, here's the horoscope. Things may be coming. It's always something with us. Things may be coming to a dramatic climax for you, Aries. Hey, now. It may seem like everything is working against you. Take note that this is an excellent time to find balance and gain a much greater perspective on the issues in your life.

If you're trying to figure out where your heart and brain are hiding, you should look. Guess where? On the opposite side of the world. Oh, they're over there. Perfect. Yeah, they're over there discussing things together. Oh, our hearts and our brain are talking behind our back. See, this is how I know horoscopes are completely bullshit.

My heart has never sought counsel from my brain ever. It does not want to know. No, I think it's more that my brain doesn't listen to my heart anymore. I think the older you get, the more your brain just relies on itself, and that's why you petrify, and nothing means anything anymore. Oh, boy. Thanks for coming. That's a big one.

I like that. But if I have to go to the opposite side of the world to figure it out, where is that, Thailand? I'll go to Thailand and figure things out for a week. Yeah, what country is letting all these Aries hearts and brains in? It's just Aries. It's just Aries' problem.

Everyone else's hearts and minds are domestic. Also, once again, this horoscope, fully unaware there's a pandemic. Yeah. Hey, Aries, it might seem like everything is working against you. Oh, fully unaware there's a pandemic. Yeah. Hey, Aries, it might seem like everything is working against you. Oh, well, it's more than seem. Yeah.

To be honest. All right. You going to entertainment? Let's do entertainment. Everybody's favorite talk show's having a little trouble. The Ellen DeGeneres Show, a sturdy daytime hit, has seen a steep ratings decline since the host addressed accusations by former staff members that led to firings and an internal investigation. Viewers tuned in for the apology.

This year's season opener had the highest ratings for an Ellen premiere in four years. And then they tuned out. Ellen has lost more than a million viewers since September, averaging 1.5 million over the last six months, down from 2.6 million the same period last year. It now finds itself uncomfortably close to shows hosted by Maury Povich and Jerry Springer's former security guard, Steve Wilkos. Welcome to the bottom, Alan. Oh, that's such a shame. Yeah, it's tough news. Just for, you know, likability takes a shame. Yeah, it's tough news.

Just for, you know, likability takes a hit. What can you say? Do you think instead of dancing at the beginning of the episode, she should just crawl out on stage, go in the fetal position, and lay there while they play, like, music from a Chinese funeral? Yeah. Chinese funeral? Well, she's going to start pulling out the tricks to keep up with Maury and Steve.

There's going to be like two guys fighting to be the father of the baby. Chairs breaking all over the place. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to see like you still get the big names like Ryan Gosling jumping up and down because he's not the father of Kim Kardashian's baby? It should be like, yeah, celebrity paternity tests and stuff like that. I think there's a niche there. I like this idea. Well, I think if they're going to get the ratings back, I think if you and I came back on staff at that show,

I think we could get the ratings back up. But we need full creative control. Ellen has to do whatever we tell her to do. Totally. I think so. that show i think we could get the ratings back up but we need full creative control ellen has to do whatever we tell her to do totally i think so wet t-shirt contests oh i wasn't gonna go there on that show yeah all right she's still the host but it's gonna be a different show is ellen wearing one hell yeah ellen's ellen is very well endowed don't kid yourself okay didn't want to go there really uh I'm already I'm already out of grandparents house and I'm surrounded by grandparents where I'm sitting right now so I don't want to think about

that sometimes grandmothers have huge tits my mother-in-law has a oh you her. Uh-oh, you froze. You're still frozen. Sometimes they get bigger as they get older. Oh, this is the tailspin we're not going to pull out of. Are you frozen or are you not moving? Are you there, caller? I'm like froze. Hotel Wi-Fi. You got the big suite, my man, but you didn't get the upgraded Wi-Fi. I thought he was

slow-burning me on talking about my mother-in-law's tits. Oh, hold on. But in fact, he is frozen on the screen. I'm filling. All right, we're going to have to take a break here. You're back. Oh, you're back. Oh, there we go.

I was filling. Maybe we could use my separate audio here. I was filling also, so we'll see which one's better. I thought you were slow burning me on talking about my mother-in-law's tits. Oh Jesus. This is the first time I'm hearing of them. I was just talking about how big they are. Your mother-in-law's?

Yeah. They're nice. Well that's where Aaron got them right? Yep. Listen. Next time you grab Aaron's boob just think I'm grabbing my mother-in-law's boob. One time she was unloading the dishwasher and she was braless and I saw down her shirt and I felt really bad that I didn't look away. But it's something about a man. You literally can't.

It's like a magnet. You cannot pull your eyes away no matter whose tits they are. OK, a little weird that you're sitting hiding in the dishwasher to get that glimpse. I guess there's something about a man that when you know there's a potential of a braless lean down, you're going to crawl inside a dishwasher and take a look. Yeah, it's like a camera angle of a Coen Brothers movie. All right. We also got a letter in the entertainment section. Amy Wilson said, I thought you might be interested in the story of Loser Tversky, the gentleman. I don't even know anything about it.

Remember we were talking about high maintenance. Oh, yes. There was a Jewish, Hasidic Jewish character who went out dancing. Well, apparently Loser was born into alyn hasidic jewish family but left the community in his early 20s after years of abuse he's one of the lead stories in a very interesting netflix documentary called one of us about members of the community who have left and are trying to make a life in the real world huh you may have also seen him in transparent all right. I mean, I like the idea that one of us documentary. There's a lot of examinations of the Hasidic world. Is there a difference between Orthodox Jews and Hasidic

Jews or is that the same thing? There's probably a. I imagine there's a lot of overlap and then one is more of uh black hats i don't know uh there's probably an extra level but you saw that movie that got a lot of acclaim about the true story about the girl who escaped yeah but you know i think we both talked about i was pretty bored with it because they spent a lot of time on the the surprising details which as a new yorker you're not surprised by them you know we we know what's going on in those sects and in those orthodox communities you know in brooklyn and we know how um i guess surprising is the best word surprising the people who are unaware of those conventions you know know? Well, Chris Denman just posted in our Google Doc. Google Doc?

The Hasidim differ from other Orthodox Jews in several ways. The core of Hasidim is enthusiasm and mysticism and interest in inner transformative experience connection with God and others. Hasidim is more hardcore. And that's why we need to do something about the problem of the Jews. What? The solution? What is he talking about?

What? One solution. It seems like it went from Wikipedia to a 4chan statement there. It's weird. All right. Yes, we get it. The swastika is older than Germany. It was originally a Gaelic symbol.

But, okay, we get it. Yeah, we understand that the Jewish people ran the banking system for years and that they control wars. We get it. Also, okay, all right, I mean, I didn't know this. Orthodox Knicks fans and the Seeds or Nets fans. All right. It's weird. I didn't know that difference. They are more hardcore if they're Nets fans.

Hey, look, Mike, let's go around the world. Oh, maybe we'll find our hearts and minds. It's the international section. Suez Canal right now, which is the most vital trade artery in the world, has been blocked by a quarter-mile-long container ship, creating a traffic jam that's ensnared over 200 vessels and could take weeks to clear. I don't know if people understand what the Suez Canal means to international shipping.

If you don't go through the Suez Canal, you have to go down around Africa, like around South Africa instead of going through the Middle East. A prolonged closure of the key route between west and east could make costly delays uh and and uh cause container shortages port congestion and 237 vessels including oil tankers dozens of container ships were waiting at the canal which handles about ready for this 12 percent of global trade 12 percent of global trade shut down for weeks and did you see the tanker that's caught in there it's fucking mind-boggling it's got it's like 50 containers tall and a quarter mile long and they're like how do we not in trying to free it how do we not capsize it is now one of the big

issues you mean on purpose capsize no no they're trying not to because of all the stuff on board and everything yeah yeah but um oh my god imagine how many like uh cargo loads of uh fake air jordans coming from asia yeah right i'm stuck in that port right now yeah i need some lead-based cribs. Where the fuck is my lead based baby crib? You've seen documentaries though about how treacherous it is. That's a cape of good hope. Cape Horn? I'm

so geographically illiterate, I guess. When you go around Cape of Africa, though, I'm going to call it that, it's just chaos. If you can avoid it, you don't want to go down around that. And remember we saw a documentary of the sailing? Yeah, right, right, right.

About the female sailors. And I know that sailboats and they're different than these and all that stuff. But still. And I read another thing that one of the huge problems problems is pirates yep so they go out around there yeah and the and the the the currents are so treacherous you've got the indian ocean and the atlantic ocean colliding and it is it boats disappear all the time it's insane not the pirate boats not the pirate they know what they're doing. All right. Let's do some sports.

Sporty sports. The Miami Heat, formerly the Miami Heat, are expected to become the first U.S. professional sports team to have a venue named after a cryptocurrency exchange. So it said they agreed to a 19 year partnership with the cryptocurrency exchange to allow the name of the Heat's home venue from American Airlines Arena to FTX Arena. FTX allows customers to trade Bitcoin, Ethereum, and other forms of cryptocurrency, which is, I think, I guess, look, wherever you got to get the money. And what's cool is the concession stand

is going to change up a lot, Mike. Oh, it is? Oh, yeah. Now it's going to include trafficked sex workers, black tar heroin, and you can put a hit on your wife and large cokes. And the terrorists are going to get all the corporate suites, I think. And the insurrectionists also, because that's how they've been funded.

Right. All of a sudden, nerds are going to start watching basketball. Wow. Well, FTX is kind of a cool name. Yeah. Has that edgy X in it. Yep, FTX is kind of a cool name. Yeah. Has that edgy X in it. Yep. FTX Arena. Here we are. FTX. Yeah, it seems to work, right? There's no weird things in there.

FTX. Uh, we named and she was born in 2005. We named our middle name after, uh, Liz, my wife's, um, aunt who had passed away and her name was May. So Olivia May Gibbons. Great. So someone got her a backpack for like kindergarten and just did a monogram on it it literally it wasn't until i see her backpack and it says omg like okay we stepped into that one yeah didn't even see it until she was four um all right i want to get to science. Because this is a great story. Oh, here we go then. All right.

At first I thought this is some kind of a joke story, but it came from, I forget which major news source, like The Guardian or something. Oh. A young woman's menstrual cycle brought tears to her eyes but unlike most period related tears hers were bright red tears of blood when the 25 year old visited an emergency room with bloody tears oozing from both eyes it was her second such episode in the past two months blood tears are a rare condition known as She didn't put that together? menstruation. The woman's crimson teardrops likely represented a highly unusual convergence

of two conditions leading to period triggered tears of blood. Wow. And the cool thing is she can also shit out her nose and spit piss. So she's just great at parties. I bet she cut the line at the emergency room when she went in. By the way, what, I mean, what strain of COVID must they have assumed she had? Like, they must have been like, gloves on. I mean, get her in a bubble. Yeah. Can I get a tissue?

Man, would you like a tissue? No. Do you have a feminine napkin though? Yeah. To wipe my tears? Why do you have a feminine napkin though yeah to wipe my tears why do you have two giant pads taped to your face um by the way this is true can you see this app this pink app on my phone moving it to the side a little bit. Other side. Flow. It says flow. That is a menstruation app

and I got it so I could somehow see insane fights with the wife that made no sense to me coming. When that flow, I would try to track her period as closely as possible. And any argument turned into, I'm sorry,

that must feel awful. I'm sorry. You're right. I didn't tell you I might be late coming home like twice today, but you're right. And now I've kept it for my daughters. You got them both on there? You can only do one, but I'm hoping they're pretty.

Should I be talking about this? They're a little irregular. One of them is. But I'm hoping they sync up and they do my work for me. I think you track one. I'm tracking one. Put it that way. I haven't even looked into it.

Well, and then when you negotiate custody, who gets who on what weekend? Flow, baby. You're right to flow. You got your calendar in one hand and the flow app in the other yeah i come home a little later when the flow gives me an alert yeah this would definitely help out if you're like you know trying to meet women in a bar and someone's crying blood fucking move move down move down the bar but it does get easier i don't need the flow app if it's like uh it's like what are you saying you oh golly wait here's a tissue you're right you're right i'm sorry again oh god yeah poor the flow app is shitting in its pants right now they're gonna be put out of business. Let's do some business, Mike.

Speaking of which. Oh, look at this story. This story comes in from our producer, Chris Denman. You want to read this one, Mike? Yes, here we go. Jews, blacks, and Puerto Ricans. No, wait, sorry. Shrimp tails allegedly found in cinnamon toast crunch. That was the headline.

Jensen Karp, musician, producer, personality and husband to Danielle Fischel. Is that her name? Fischel, the actress who played Topanga in Boy Meets World. Oh, who can forget that? All Greek to me. Topanga in Boy Meets World. Oh, who can forget that? All Greek to me.

Shared images on Twitter on Monday of what appeared to be some shrimp tails and other most un-breakfast-worthy detritus. Isn't that... I always avoid that name, you know, for garbage. Detritus? Detritus? Detritus? Detritus? Tinnitus? Tinnitus? Sw swimming around a package of cereal he bought from a los angeles area big box store general mills says it did not happen at their facility they're testing the they're testing the tales but since going viral now ex-girlfriends ex-co-workers

and others are piling on is it ex-girlfriends am i reading this right i don't know and others are piling on accusing carp of being oh yes it is so people ex-girlfriends and people who have worked with them before it's normally ex uh uh and others are piling on accusing carp of being manipulative and a thief of jokes. Wait, is he a comedian? He is if he's stealing jokes. Huh. But boy, they use this shrimp tail incident to, you know, dig into him on joke stealing.

Huh. Yeah, I don't see how the two are connected, but, um, I gotta say if you're eating that shit cereal, um, there's worse things than shrimp tails in there. That's just garbage. Yeah. Those are shrimp tails for sure. Maybe, maybe another good comedian found Shrimp Tales already and he's just doing it himself. Right, the old Shrimp Tale bit.

Yeah. No one will know. I'll do it on the road. Alright, great story, Chris. Thank you. Yeah. Here we go. What's this? Let's see. We've got... First tweet? Frank, Jack Dorsey, the Twitter of CEO,

has sold his first ever tweet published in 2006 as a non-fungible token or NFT for over $2.9 million. Oh, my God. And NFT is a digital asset that can include JPEGs, video clips, or tweets that run on blockchain, a digital ledger that verifies authenticity. So in other words, this is something that is like Bitcoin. Yeah.

Its essence is spread among a blockchain, so it can't be replicated. Okay. So it was autographed by him, and Dorsey said on Twitter that he will convert the money made from the tweet into Bitcoin and donate it to the charity GiveDirectly, which helps those in Africa who live in poverty. Wow.

Yes, Mr. Darcy, how you get this money for us? Is this an African who doesn't understand the concept of Bitcoin? Yeah. Got it. I mean, just try to picture him explaining to some African native how he came up with this money for them. Why doesn't he help Africa get that ship out of the Red Sea there and so the ships don't have to circle their continent?

Right. Help them out. Yeah. There's probably food. I'm sure so many things are going bad on those maybe oh god yeah asian masseuses i was gonna start with thai coconuts but okay now i bet you this human cargo on there you shit me they're probably oh that's awful to think about i know But it's not hot between Egypt and Israel, like that area. I don't think.

I don't think it'll be fun. I can't even laugh about it. Jesus Christ. Okay, more business. What do we got? Oh, yeah. All right. So, God damn it.

I haven't bought stocks yet. But that's good because I was going to short. And, of course, this, I don't know what's going on with this joke of a market. But it went up a lot. Dude, it's swinging. I'll check the market in the morning and it will be up 300 points in the afternoon it's down 200 points and then it finishes out up 75 it's fucking insane that's why it's about to crap the bed get this though

i had already talked about olivia olivia wants to start learning about size. She's in it. And then two other freshmen from her high school joined it. And one of the kids, her friends, who's 15, who joined it is like in 36th place. And he joined it like four days ago. I saw Olivia in there. She right now has $115,000.

She's wow. She's up $15,000. She's beating me. Oh my God. And me. I don't even know what your name is on there. What's your name on there? I think it's Gibbons. I think it's what I signed up with or something. I don't know. I wasn't smart enough to find a, uh, like a funny tag. Well, I'm down handle. I am down to, what am I? I can't even find my number. But, yeah, so I guess you're at $100,000.

The winner right now, Nick Allen, who was in the lead last week, he is up to $223,000 from $100,000. And in last place is our old friend Fitter111, who is up a few thousand. He's at 30,000 now. All right. So don't forget, if you want to join, go to Investopedia. Scroll about halfway down on the left-hand side.

You'll see a fantasy investing league. Go in there and look up Sunday Paperay paper pod is the name of the group all righty um i'm doing it this week i am getting in i'm putting all my money on a bet that probably will not work out i don't know what it is oh you don't know what it is yet? No, no, no, no. Where are you going to get your tips from? Oh, I have a few suspects. You've got to call Jim Adrian up in Connecticut, aren't you? Why would I do that? I thought he was like Johnny Stock Market.

I don't think so. He probably is very smart about it and just sets it and forgets it by his indexes. No, I just—it's a house of cards, right? I mean, I have to bet against it. Yeah, that's what you do, Mike. That's what I've been saying for this market's going to stay hot for another four months. Guaranteed. And then it's going to crash. Eleven years.

And it has to be right. Eventually. Wait. Now, when is this over? Olivia was asking that. July 4th. That's a short window for me to do any damage. Okay.

If she's into you. Uh-oh, Mike froze again. Hopefully we don't lose the... Is he back? Yeah, we're back. I'm just wondering... the, uh, back. Is he back there? We're back. I'm just wondering. Okay.

We're back. I hope that the recording of the video doesn't get lost with all these, uh, drops. One of us is probably moving. Probably you. Did you keep moving? I didn't do shit.

No. What happened to your zoom it disappeared and then it came back so you didn't see you frozen no i the whole block the whole box disappeared of both of us in it i bet that's what's recorded on my end you were frozen and i was uh very entertaining oh good for you i wasn't that entertaining this time. One of the letters we got was from a listener who following up on us accusing John Wayne of being, in fact, a hog lover, was a photo of Mr. Wayne in a pair of short shorts with his bulge clearly to the left hand side. He's got on, what do you call those kinds of shoes?

Espadrilles. Yeah, wow, that makes you a little bit of a hog. You knew that! I also lean to the left. Espadrilles, which are like canvas-y shoes with like fucking straw on the bottoms. They're like with like rope bracelet type soles. And he's got a little pocketbook.

He looks, yeah, if you're European, maybe I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that. I don't, maybe, maybe. By the way, you know, there's things that you can get in trouble for for being homophobic, but like accusing somebody of being gay seems like it's something

that will rile some people because you because they'll say well what's wrong with being gay well if you're portraying yourself as this manly man who kills indians because they're evil and uh and you make tons of gay jokes and gay statements in your life. Then we can call you out for being gay. It's it's the very, very damaging hypocrite. I mean, it's I don't hate every preacher, but I will absolutely hate Falwell or any of the hypocrites who are condemning huge populations of people who have done that. And then they're doing it themselves. Right. Right.

It's the same. It's exact same thing. So, um, and I also just love imagining his reaction to me calling him gay. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

which you will in heaven. I'll get to see that. Yep. I don't think he'll get to heaven if he's gay. Did I just ruin this whole bit? I love those twists at the end when the viewers all stop watching and listening. All right, let's get to the obituaries.

And that's all, folks. Hold on. There's a piece of paper here next to my water bottle. Very sadly, this past week, there was a yet another, in Colorado again. This seems to happen a lot in Colorado. Pent-up demand.

Mass shooting. Ten people were killed in a shooting at King Soopers grocery store in Boulder on Monday afternoon. Oh, fuck. So, yeah, it never doesn't shake me up when these things happen. And so we thought for the obituaries this week, we would just read the names of the people that passed. Trelona Bartowiak was 49. You started with that one? Yeah yeah i know just there's a different

god bless trelona i'm just talking about the difficulty of the name and how you read names go ahead suzanne fountain who was 59 terry liker 51 kevin mahoney 61 lynn murray 62 ricky olds 25 nevin stanesic 23 denny stong 20 and an officer named eric talley who was a father of seven who was the first on the scene to the shooting and jody waters 65 so um yeah tragic and uh i'm reading about you jotted down some notes about kind of what they were doing all that but that terry liker was 51 she had been an employee at that store for 30 years wow jesus now i i couldn't even so i saw the headlines i didn't read into it. I did read a headline that they haven't even figured out what this shooter's thinking was. Have they? Oh, I don't know. You know, I haven't looked that deep into that. I try to avoid reading about the shooter because I almost feel like I don't want to make this guy famous and I don't want to remember him.

I want to remember the victims when these things happen. That's very solid. Yeah. And, you know, it's just I saw this video somebody put up of a mass shooter running into a store, but he had an old musket and it was a sketch showing what would happen if you ran into a store with a single shot musket and how you would shoot once everybody would run while you took two minutes to load another ball in there. And know it really makes the point that like if you're if this is really for home invasion protection or hunting um you don't need 65 bullets a second it's it's unnecessary the the hunting a hunting you know rationale

is just crazy like you're not sorry you're not a hunter if it's a fully automatic like you know whatever

we'll get we'll get letters of course send us some letters we welcome them let's open up the discourse alright let's cheer up Mike

we always want to cheer up after the obituaries let's do the Sunday funnies I always want to cheer up after the obituaries. Let's do the Sunday funnies, starting off with everybody's favorite husband, Hager the Horrible. Not only a rapist and a marauder, but one of the worst husbands in the medieval times.

And should be noted, he did it all without a gun that's right so if if inflicting damage and pain and and ruining lives and killing is if you think you need an amendment to protect your right for a gun which will facilitate that you are wrong you are wrong now these guys you know you look at the huns, you look at, you know, these people, they went through continents and destroyed people. You can still do it. You just got to focus and follow through. Yeah. So Helga is standing at the fence talking to her neighbor and she says, Hager worries that I spent too much time scrubbing floors and he doesn't want me to develop knee problems.

And his neighbor says, did he hire you a maid? Helga says, says no he bought me knee pads i would think this was a a sly sexual move on haggis but he's getting so much he's getting so much strange on his uh on his conquest that i don't think so i think it's for cleaning i actually think it's legit cleaning. I actually think it's legit cleaning. I know. Is it considered cheating if you are a Hager the Horrible, if you are a Neanderthal? Not a Neanderthal. He's a Viking. If you rape on the road, is that cheating on your wife or is that part of the job description?

All right. Here's a very uncomfortable question, which you basically just asked. But is not awful. Is non-consensual sex cheating? Right. I mean, you've you've you've you've gone so far above and beyond. You've you've you've you've gone so far above and beyond. I you're a criminal should be locked away. I guess it's also cheating. Well, you see a lot of wives stay with their husbands when they get accused of rape, sexual harassment. Yeah.

Maybe they look at it as, look, this is his dysfunction. This wasn't about me. And they understand what great wives they are by the way what's the latest on cuomo speaking of that uh he's he's they're piling on but but the more recent ones aren't the strongest cases yeah he he touched the small of my back during a photo op. It's like, where are you supposed to put your hand? God, I am not taking a side. I literally have not read the story, but I did see one woman, and the complaint was that he stared at a necklace that was in her cleavage. Yeah.

You mean the necklace that she put in her cleavage? Well, I mean, your mother-in-law didn't even have a necklace, and you're staring right at the cleavage through a fucking dishwasher. Yep. Yeah, and let me help you with the spoons. The Lockhorn's my favorite. Leroy is sitting at the table with his wife, and they are praying before dinner,

and he says, Any chance we can stretch out our moment of silence to, I don't know, an hour or so? I like it. I like him. And the next one, they are in group therapy, marriage counseling. And the counselor is saying, quote, I want to hear your problems, Mrs. Lockhorn, not Harry and Megan's. Megan's.

Look at that. That is some topical stuff. Speaking of topical, Family Circus, always an excitegeist. Should we explain how this got here? I am scrolling down to it. I have never even laid eyes on it. I picked it out for Mike this week because he was on a red eye. I did a little extra on the script this week.

I'm a little insane right now, a little tired. Here we go. Going down. We got, okay. Oh, you know what? I am not going to read it. I'm just going to look at the picture and get nowhere because I'm exhausted. Okay.

I just see the picture. see the picture and it's the uh it's the chunky daughter whose hair's back in a uh in a pigtail and she's right in the face screaming at the little chunky boy who's kind of defiant his face is defiant his hands are like clasped in front of him and he's like looking up at her with his eyes closed and what could she be yelling at him uh she could be yelling why did the artist only use one color on both our hair

how fucking lazy is that it is the exact same color um you I don't know. It's probably something bad about being in the bathroom too long or that maybe that conspicuous

pajama onesie that he's wearing. No, I will not help you unbutton your poop shoot. I don't know what she's far better than what's there. Now read what's there, Mike. You didn't brush your teeth. I can't smell any toothpaste.

Oh, my God. Not even that it's bad breath? Nope. Nope. Just a very linear, literal thing that a person would say to another person without what you would call comedy no twist no turn oh my all right wow okay she's gonna die an old maid but i want to see that cartoon i want to see these kids as adults all all fucking loveless, spoiled, and self-satisfied. Drunks.

And wait, how did that happen? Because they have no humor? They're not going to be able to make friends because they don't get jokes. They don't make jokes. Yeah. And yet they think they're funny. They're programmed by these Keens. Yes.

Yeah. Oh, it's terrible terrible what's the last comic we usually do let's do a little blondie all right oh god dagwood sitting on the couch in this horrible lemon colored sweater that that's uh and and he's he's kicking back he's got the remote of course thing about blondie is she's always at the fucking sink. He's always laying on the couch. They're on the couch together. Okay.

Who's got the remote? Of course, fucking dickhead who's just a control freak. And now Blondie's sitting there. She's got on like a watermelon colored top. I've never seen her in slacks. No. No, she wears slacks sometimes. Oh, but look at that sweater.

Yeah, the sweater's nice, but the slacks bother me. I wantacks sometimes oh but look at that sweater yeah the sweater's nice but the slacks bother me i want to see those fucking pegs oh she says honey why don't we turn off the tv for a change and just talk about our day and and and dagwood says uh now you're talking and uh they turn off the tv and there's a very awkward moment of silence in the second frame. Third frame, he's got the remote on. He turns the TV back on and she says, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to have a little background noise while we talk. Dagwood says, yep, sounds good. You're in a fucking dead marriage, Dagwood. You are.

It's like you're you're sitting in a Porsche and you're afraid to fucking turn the ignition on and drive the goddamn thing. Yes, and I'm almost done. All right. It's an uplifting scene here. We're getting rid of dead person stuff. First of all, how about talking about her black lipstick? Oh, yeah, I like that. What's up with that?

She's getting a little goth. Now I think I'm talking about her black lipstick. Okay, this is a minefield. She is going out at night. She forgot to take off the makeup from when she went to fucking Rawhide last night. Some goth club, yeah. Yep, yep. And who would blame her? who would ever blame her knowing this

guy with his yellow fucking sweater may he die that's getting right to it hey we didn't talk about things we watched this week do you want to um there's one thing i watched yeah it's on apple Apple TV. It's weird. It's called Calls. Have you heard about it? No. So you turn on the show and it's there's like static kind of with lines like radio frequency kind of and then all of a sudden you see

like a name come up like Steven and you hear a phone ringing and you see the phone like the sound line of the phone ringing. Then like whatever Charlotte's name appears and Charlotte picks up. Hey, honey, how are you? Sorry, I'm running late. And it's this whole series is audio. Of phone calls and phone messages.

There's no visual? Just that? There's a very, I'm not saying it's good, but I was impressed with that they were able to do so much. And an artist did a very good job of like, all of a sudden there'd be a call waiting,

and it turns, the axes turn this way, and then someone's on the right. And then a pilot is calling his kids about when he's going to land and see them. And it's this, what would you call it? This, I guess, concept, but this means of telling Twilight Zone like stories. Wow, that sounds pretty cool. So you could actually listen to it instead of watch it. But this means of telling Twilight Zone like stories. Wow. That sounds pretty cool. So you could actually listen to it instead of watch it if you wanted to.

Yet you're kind of riveted visually, which is but that's I get riveted. People watch this podcast. Why would you watch this? So what do I know? But I don't know. They do. They do enough to keep you watching. Yeah. But yes. Yes. You 100 percent could listen. By the way, if you want to watch,

we're on we're on YouTube. Just look under Greg Fitzsimmons channel on YouTube. Mike, listen, I'm going to let you go. You got people waiting to get in that room and go through artifacts. I hope you I hope you get through these next couple days. It's a time that you and your family feel some nice memories about Cynthia. Thank you. Listen, it helped also. It's not just about me. You shared about

family and looking at your mother-in-law's boobs. That made me feel less alone. Maybe you'll find some photos of her. Who knows? Does that make me feel less alone? Yeah, maybe you'll find some photos of her. Who knows? I thought you only saw your mother-in-law's boobs when she texted you.

I didn't know it was live. Well, you know, her closet's got these slats in them. So I always like staying over. She's a very great host. Great host. We got slats. We's a very great host. Great host. We got slats. We got slats. We got slats.

There we go. All right, man. All righty. Thanks, as always, to Midcoast Media, Beth Hoops, Chris Denman, who do a fine job every week. And if you're looking for support for your podcast or even just your social media, they do a terrific job. Mike, enjoy your weekend. Thank you.

And we'll see you back in LA. When are you back? On Monday? Tuesday. Okay, we'll see you back then. Sounds good. Take it eesh. Take it eesh.

It's the Sunday Preppers Podcast with Gray Fritz, Simmons, and Michael Gibbons. The next thing you know, another weekend has passed. And it's Gray Fritz, Simmons, and Michael Gibbons. The next thing you know, another week has passed. And great friends, shepherds, and Michael Gibbons again.