Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 57 4/4/21

Episode Date: April 4, 2021

The Girl Scouts take a beating this week, our horoscope tells us to buy a Porsche on credit and we have a new rule about who is allowed to wear a thong to the beach.  

Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Sunday Papers Take it easy with Greg and Mike And let your Sunday ride Read all about it! Oh, jeez. Read all about it! Sunday Papers is here

And hit your doorstep Your dog if he's well trained Went out and got the paper for you Read all about it Second time today you did that Well We fucked up When I say we you fucked up

The first time around And we had to redo the whole thing We both fucked up You forgot to clap in which which we do we're only going to talk about this for 45 minutes before we start to make sure our audios are synced and then when i plug my headphones in goddamn zoom takes over and doesn't doesn't recognize my uh headphones hate that anyway i thought it was interesting. It was a very unusual start, and I thought our listeners would like to hear us troubleshooting.

Wow. You're so cinema verite, Mike. Where are you, by the way? It's also avoiding hearing you scream like a banshee twice. I'm going to try to not fuck up everything here and show you a palm tree. I'm in Palm Springs. Ah, there you go. And show me your mic stand. I'm even more curious about that. No, it's your. Oh, you bought the whole mic stand.

I bought the whole mic stand. Yeah, I threw it in the car. Very nice. I'm a pro, man. And I got your mic cord, which at least at least 10 it's 10 i think it's a 10 10 foot cord when you're doing your roger adultery stand up i guess you gave me one of those well we're gonna start doing live podcasts soon and you're gonna need it because we're gonna be in all kinds of different venues. Vaccine's working, my man.

Speaking of which, I got my second shot today's Saturday. I got it on Thursday. And you suffered a little bit. Well, initially, I got not much, really. Before bed that night, I got a pretty serious headache, so I took a couple Tylenol. I tossed and turned all night. I had that achy thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think you're not supposed to take Tylenol. That's the

one thing they say. No. I'm pretty sure. Let me Google it. Chris, why don't you look that up for us? Yeah. They didn't you look that up for us? Yeah. They didn't tell me that. I know. They don't say a lot of things.

Do you know? No one I know was told, hey, hold on to that vaccination card. Oh, yeah. You got to take a picture of it on your phone. No, I did. But they should make that louder and clearer. Like, hold on to that card. Yeah.

Because they just give it to you like you need it on the way out. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or that you need it for your second vaccine, and then you could do whatever you want and you'd throw it out. Well, it didn't hit me too hard, and uh i tossed and turned not brutal but like you know achy you know when you're baked your back you just can't uh it's you got to keep rolling on it and um and then i woke up felt bad but then i had a cup of coffee and i was like fuck it and i went

and played golf and i was good when i played nine holes eight holes i shot even par even par for eight holes and then on the ninth hole it hit me like a ton of bricks on the ninth tee and i uh triple bogeyed nine and then came home and just collapsed i was like total fluish symptoms. Slept for three hours, got up for half an hour, slept for two more hours. And then a little flu-y last night. Woke up this morning, I'm 1,000%. No problem. Maybe Tylenol's okay.

You're not supposed to take it before it. Okay. Okay. So we're both covered are your daughters covered no one is sophie has one shot i believe in her because she's teaching you know with um surf uh at the surf school yeah with marion and she's in hawaii right now for spring break nice paid for the whole thing she took nine of her instructors paid for the hotel paid for the flight and they're all in hawaii they're on the north shore yesterday it's amazing that that goes to show you how generous marion is and how underpaid they were all summer.

That is true. And then especially working through the pandemic. And I got my ABC stores, which is a chain. They're basically Hawaii's 7-Elevens. And they're like basically my favorite store in the world. They're incredible. How did you get the shirt? Oh, they sell them when I was in Hawaii a while ago. Oh, so you're doing this like as a shout out to your daughter? No, I just realized I was wearing it. I decided to link the two together. That's amazing.

Yeah, our daughters, if people don't know, are on the surf team, or they were. My daughter's not on the surf team anymore. She's kind of taking a vacation from surfing. Well, she switched over to childcare. Yeah she's doing child care now full time and uh and they both taught they taught inner city kids how to surf they have this thing called surf bus in the summers and they go more importantly with that is teaching them to swim yeah they pick up all these kids from the inner city some of them have never seen the ocean in los angeles yeah and they come out to the beach and they uh and this team of girls go and some guys i think it's mostly girls though marion's marion's very like pro woman

and uh they teach them how to swim teach them how to surf all day, all summer. It's amazing. Right. No, it's very cool. Well, congratulations on the vaccine. And I'm more than two weeks since the second one. What was your reaction to the second shot? Listen, some of us are just built differently. Jeremy talked a lot about that in the 40s. I had zero side effects zero now is that due to the fact that you is that from you shutting down all of your emotions for the last 40 years

i prefer to call it that i'm a pure system and that there's just superior qualities you know to resistance and tolerance and uh pain level level, fatigue level. All of that, I score very high. I would have been spared. This comes from the guy who had his hip replaced. I've erased, I've photoshopped that history out of my experience. That no longer exists. And I am definitely not going to get a second hip replacement within five years for sure.

Same hip or the other hip? No, the other one. He said you have about 10 years on that one. Yeah. Isn't the key that it lasts 40 years so you want to get to a certain age before you have it put in? I don't know how long it lasts. I asked him that, and his answer was, well well it depends what you do with it like he goes you you you ran this one pretty hard and he was like are you gonna do that again he's like i doubt it you're

not as young as you were and uh did he tell you to stop fucking so much he did he actually welcome to sunday papers where we focus on all all the hip young topics you've been dying to hear about. Actually, another doctor told me to stop doing that. Yeah. Was it at a clinic? Was it a doctor at a clinic? It was a blood panel. Really, the blood panel screamed it at me.

No doctor had to even say anything. Oh, God. I had chlamydia when I was in college. There we go. Once at band camp. I knew I had it because I also had it in high school. And so I went into this doctor at Boston University. Do you remember the doctor at West Campus?

He was about 90 years old and he had suspenders that had piano keys on them and his hands trembled terribly and uh he took a q-tip it's like a thin q-tip and he held my penis in his hand and he shoved that q-tip all the way down and i scream you you think i screamed read all about it holy shit i was that's the most pain i've ever had in my life you grab you grab his suspenders to stop them and they make they make the key sounds from a piano what the most bizarre doctor's experience ever. Can I use my hands, you know, the ones that don't shake to do this? And then he forgot to take it out. I'm walking around wondering why I'm feeling all weird.

And I see it end of a Q-tip sticking out. I was wondering why do I have an erection for three days straight? So I never, not to boast, I've never, maybe it's an opposite of a boast. I've never experienced that. I've never had that. You never had VD? I don't think I have. Yeah.

Is that a standard procedure? Yeah, they have to go deep. They have to go all the way down to get to the virus, I guess. Are they getting a sample or is the tip medicated? No, they're getting a sample. They have to go all the way down to get to the virus, I guess. Are they getting a sample or is the tip medicated? No, they're getting a sample. And it's like, how about we just assume I have it and I take a cycle of tetracycline? Totally.

Yeah. I'd be like, you did this five minutes ago. I would just assume he would be like, oh, did I? Shit, I really am losing. Okay, let's just give you stuff. Yeah. I'd come in with a long swab and be like i did it on the way over here it's yeah here you go just give me the drugs yeah um so tell me about palm springs who's out there um it's the uh well my other daughter olivia it's

spring break so we're here and then with my sister's family and george you know and there are two kids and then my mom and stepfather. So it was, it was great. My mom and stepfather headed back to LA today. Today's Saturday. You know what today's date is? April 3rd,

four, three, two, one, what? Four, three, two,

one. Oh, nice. For all the people that are fascinated with that BS. Yeah. So anyway, guess what tomorrow is? Well, I peeked ahead at this day in history. April 4.

But what's tomorrow? Tomorrow, Sunday or Monday? Monday. Monday, I think, is a very special birthday. You finally remembered it. We've been friends for over 30 years, and you never fucking once remembered my birthday. I always remember it.

You don't. I think Picasso died on your birthday, maybe. I know. Around there. I sometimes forget Picasso's death day, but never your birthday. I don't take birthday. You, I don't take birthdays seriously. Well, yours is April 11th. Ah, you do know it.

All right. Yeah. Aries. We'll get to that. Both Aries. We're going to get to Aries later on. But all right. So out here, you want to know what's going on out here.

I was going to talk about it in sports, but I don't, it's not really a sports story, but there is a job. So we're, we're in Mission Hills which has a used to be called the Dynas short anyway Mission Hills is this condo development old school from like the 50s out here technically in Rancho Mirage next to Palm Springs and uh it There's three, like, world-class 18-hole golf courses here. And there is a major, one of the LPGA's major tournaments. It's called the ANA Inspiration. It used to be called the Dinah Shore because she lived here in Mission Hills.

And it's one of the five major championships and the first of the season in women's golf. Right. It's very famous. That's the only tournament I can name in women's golf. So the girls are here, and again, I'm inspired. I'm like, guys, do you want to walk over and see this amazing golf tournament where the participants on average hit it 40 yards less than men, and they putt a lot more?

And they didn't like that. Why do you think women golf? I mean, I get the distance thing. Women are physiologically smaller. But why do they putt more, do you think? I know what you're going to say, the boobs. But it's not that. I read into that.

And is it Michelle Wee? I don't follow golf. Is that her name? Who was like? Michelle Wee. She was a phenomenon. So I guess at 19, she was driving the shit out of the ball, right? And then everyone's like, or maybe even younger.

And everyone's like, oh, she could be the one. She could be the one that enters like a men's tournament at some point if she's already driving like this and um and then she fell off they're like it was never to be and never happened again and what it was is she said she goes all i wanted to do growing up was smash the ball like kill it like kill it kill it kill it kill it and that took away and then she said then i became a pro and i realized oh my god putting is so much more important way more important most important club in your bag is your putter by far and men i forget what the stat is but they are better putters but there are systemic i guess you'd call it sexist advantages

that men have access to more practice. Men have access to more time on the putting greens. And also I think, um, they, they, listen, she was trying to catch another class of drivers. You know what I mean? Men don't men, men learn you, you, you play golf golf they probably learn what they're gonna do rather early in their teens like i'm not gonna be the what's a great drive three something yeah 320 i'm not gonna be that 320 guy yeah i'm a 305 guy and then they putt like crazy yeah i think that explains it now if you think about, like if you hit a drive and it goes behind a tree, that's a big fucking deal. That's like, oh no, that's the worst. You know, he's got to take a drop. He's got to waste a shot. And then you get to the putting green and you miss a little five footer.

That's the same fucking thing. Yeah. Also, women are less stable and more emotional. I think that affects the putting. Do you? Do I think it affects the putting? Yeah. No, it's the driving. Oh, I think it does affect their driving. Okay, did I tell you? Wait, first of all, I think I've told this story before, but I'll tell two funny stories where I am totally on the right side of this issue

and it backfires. One, very briefly, was the Winter Olympics. Man, I'm going to say it was 2008 or 10 or whatever year it was, maybe even 12. And, and everyone was very excited about snowboarding like crazy might even been in Utah. And anyway, I record the women's, uh, half pipe snowboarding and I get the girls so excited and then they start to watch it and they, you know, listen, guys fall too, but they were falling a lot. And we were watching.

And I'm like, ah, and we're just trying to root for that thing. So during women's snowboarding, they did a promo for the men's snowboarding tonight. Because that was going to be in prime time. And it was already prerecorded. And they showed clips. And there's that redheaded kid, Sean White, right? And they're like daddy he almost hit the lights and they could tell it was the same half pipe i'm like i know i know the men's will be

great too also it'll be great but here we're gonna keep watching the women's like no no they keep falling and they don't go nearly as high and i'm there trying like crazy to defend them um and then the other one was i was with olivia she was really young and we're watching nascar and i forget the woman's uh name what's her name patrick yes danica patrick was uh racing and i was like oh olivia look look look we were what's her name i think it's danica i think you're right i said tara patrick oh and so we're in a pizza place and uh and it was on i'm like oh a woman and like you know they showed her car and she's like oh cool so so then there's a crash and i'm like oh man check out the replay there was a crash up there and livia goes uh-oh and i'm like what and they show danica Pat whatever her name is crawl out

of her crashed car and Olivia goes knew it and she's like eight I'm like no and then I had to spend five minutes why did you say you knew it I didn't know it was like no I mean and then it was so funny oh my god by the way our producer minutes why did you say you knew it i didn't know it was like no i mean and then it was so funny oh

my god by the way our uh our producer chris denman who by the way congratulations i know he just did a big walkathon for nambla this weekend raised a lot of money just getting getting legal defense for them because a lot of them are getting fucking railroaded that's the problem when you lump them all in together yeah so he just let me know that Danica Patrick is the driver. Tara Patrick, who I said, porn star. So that's a good point. Yeah. And one of them, top of their game at one point.

Top of their game. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Both in cars doing what they do for a living a couple times. Yep. All right, well, listen, Mike, we got a sponsor that I'm very excited about because it's springtime. It's spring. My lawn looks like garbage.

It looks like the top of my head. It's got sparse little strands coming up. Sunday is going to help me. Because what they do is, it's unbelievable what they do. They go up into space. I don't think they go into space, but they use satellites or some kind of imaging.

Maybe they're using drones. But they measure your lawn, and then you tell them where you live and they they figure out what kind of grass what the soil is like in your area takes all the guesswork out and uh it doesn't have a lot of toxic chemicals you can it's good for your pets which i hate my fucking dog i'm'm sad to hear that it doesn't. Yeah. You can add a little something to their pouch because it's a cool thing. It's just a fertilizer pouch you attach to your hose.

Yeah, it's super easy. I just got it in the mail. I haven't started using it yet, but just to go through the steps of this. First, I ordered it online, which was a piece of cake real fast. They send it to your house, comes in one box, real easy,

and now I'm getting ready to use it. And, you know, it's like I ignore my lawn. I take it for granted. And now I just realize, like, you know, this is my life. Why does my house look like shit? So I'm doing some projects. I'm putting some stones down. I'm getting my lawn fixed up.

That's awesome. No, they're easy. They're ready to use. You don't have to become all of a sudden a lab technician mixing the right ratios and all that stuff. Didn't you say you're going to do something with your mom's lawn? Yeah, I figured that would be like a nice gift. And also in Southern California, you don't want to use more water. That's the whole thing.

And people think to get a better looking lawn, you got to do that. And this can really make your lawn healthy. And they have good advice on how to do it they they determine if your soil is more sand versus clay and all that stuff it's great yeah right so it's a piece of cake uh it really works i mean you'll see the difference uh and it doesn't take a lot of time like 15 minutes boom i used to waste like a whole day and get bad results. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit getsunday.com slash papers to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at get sunday.com slash papers

great gift get it for the folks diggity diggity diggity you know what they probably use it out here it doesn't boggle your mind when you're in so it's a it's going to be 100 degrees out today which is which is unseasonably warm is it really yeah it's not supposed to be that warm is unseasonably warm is it really yeah it's not supposed to be that warm and uh it's of course for the tournament oh my god i you know a lot of people paint grass and i'm like i wonder if they painted this and they didn't but the the amount of water that these 318 hole courses use i can't even fathom it and it's this rich rich green lawns it's amazing no it's it's pretty amazing that like like you look at the golf course that i played yesterday it's in santa monica venice border some of the most expensive real estate in the world and it is fucking it's like how many acres

is that hundreds and hundreds of acres of land. You could parcel off one putting green and it would sell for a million dollars. Well, isn't that Rodney's line? Something like golf courses and graveyards, biggest waste of real estate or something. Caddyshack. And you know that they get a crazy tax write off because it's considered nature preservation. Ah. Yeah. Even though it's considered nature preservation. Ah. Yeah, even though it's filled with chemicals. Well, you know that one, I don't know if it's Queens or Brooklyn.

I should. But when you're coming in from the airport into Manhattan, that giant cemetery that is big. Gates of Heaven. It's a hill that has the sickest views of Manhattan and the bay. Like, it's amazing. Yeah, I know. views of manhattan and the bay like it's amazing yeah i know well grandpa's got a good view i know right want to give a shout out on the song noah summers playing a little uh louisville groove there which i dug dug a lot nice real nice and our logo this is the second one we've gotten from uh the lovely melody who's um my buddy rob

dukes's girlfriend well she's my buddy also and uh that one was very cool and i got to be bad news bears and and once again i'm a woman or no that's the boy isn't it i've not what are you talking about you're a little girl are you sure yeah okay i'm always the girl i'm always the woman of the girl it could be i mean those kids did have long hair tanner and those guys but uh no that's jody foster not jody foster what's her name i think it was kelly i think it was the boy kelly tatum o'neill you're thinking of tatum o'neill yeah i think it's the. I think it was the boy Kelly. Tatum O'Neal. You're thinking of Tatum O'Neal. Yeah, I think it's the kid, the boy.

Wow. Why would he be on a poster? I don't know. We'll check on that. Let's check on that. No boobs, though. No boobs. Let's go over the corrections from last week.

Oh, yeah, there aren't any. Oh, yeah. Apparently we got it all right. Or people are getting lazy. We've lost a step for sure. Well, we'll get corrected on Tylenol, I'm sure. And I'll get corrected that women only hit, on average, 39 yards less than men.

And we'll find out who is in that that picture all right do you have any hey do you have any tour dates yeah thanks for asking mike i'm gonna be in philadelphia april 22nd through the 24th helium comedy club my second favorite club in the country it's a fucking blast great club if you live anywhere near philly call your friends get a group together come on down it's it's a great experience then kansas city fucking hate this club no i'm kidding it's i think it's called the comedy club i worked there once before and i ended up becoming friends with a bunch of comics there uh april 29th through may 1st kansas city and then i got some other dates that just got canceled so uh we're rescheduling some stuff right now all right all right let's get to

uh front page the correction is in tatum o'neill of course they're not gonna put the boy in the poster okay all right here we. What are we doing? Front page. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Oh, God. You have no paper this week? No, they just out of nowhere incinerate.

They just go into flames out here. Yeah. So. I don't get Palm Springs. I never have. I don't. So. I don't get Palm Springs. I never have. I don't dig it. I don't think it's fun. I don't think it's charming.

I think it's hot and boring. Oh, man. You got to have fun. We went pool hopping yesterday because Mission Hills has, I'm not even exaggerating, I think 30 pools. And we had five of them just in the area we're in. How do you get into the pools? No, so there's clusters of these. There's over 1,000 units, and there's clusters of five.

They're really big places, though. They're like townhomes, and each five or six has a pool. And you would just show up and walk in and take a dip and then leave yeah no you're not allowed in if if someone's there they're all empty no shit yeah we're wondering if it's a tournament or i don't know maybe there were covid restrictions till recently that unless you were an owner you couldn't use the pool, but like, like everything else statewide that opened up. And so we don't know why, but it was also pretty hot, you know, and we're the tourists running around jumping in pools, some of them not heated, but we had a rule. You weren't allowed to feel the

water before you jumped in. That's great. Yeah. Um, we went, me and Aaron went to one of those famous ones. It's where like all the, uh, Al Capone, all these mafia guys and gangsters used to go to this one place. And it was nude. It was nude. Oh, wow. Yeah. Huh. It just wasn't you guys.

Other people were nude too? It didn't seem to catch on. We were told by management, and they were laughing, but they told us. It says under nude management. They're like, sir, that's new management. And I'm the guy that gets shit for puns. Okay, fair enough. Delta CEO Ed Bastian did issue a statement that speaks in favorable terms of the final version of the bill signed into law in Georgia, the voter suppression laws.

In the statement, Bastian singled out for praise aspect of the new law that expands voter access. But he also said the company understands, quote, concerns remain about other aspects of the law and that there continues to be work ahead in this important effort. After receiving strong backlash from voter rights activists, Bastion issued a second statement that calls the law, quote, wrong and based on a lie about widespread voter fraud. And based on a lie about widespread voter fraud. Whatever. He's a corporation. They're not human beings. And by the way, the only reason he changed his tune is because he stuck his finger up and saw which way the wind was blowing.

And he'll just go towards profit. Trust me, if there wasn't a big enough backlash, he wouldn't have issued a second statement. It's just so obvious. Well, people were already talking about boycotting Delta. And let me tell you something. I've flown Delta a couple times recently. They leave every middle seat open. If they continue doing that, I'm on board.

They can ban fucking handicapped people. But if that middle seat stays open, I'll be a platinum member by the end of the year. I don't give a shit. No gays? No gays? That's fine. Not no Greg Fitzsimmons.

No clothes? Part of their nude policy? That's fine. The friendly skies, fly the um hold on it's way more sinister than this do you know that delta helped write the policy no yes they did no so did coca-cola wow yeah the two hugest corporations in atlanta had a hand in crafting that bill. Now, they claimed that they made it a little more palatable and a little less maybe extreme. And that's their claim anyway. And maybe that's true.

But no, they had a hand in the final law that is up and being legislated. Well, of course, if Republicans get elected, they save billions of dollars in tax cuts. That's the bottom line. So, listen, it's a corporation. We get fooled into thinking that they're a shark. Blood is money. That's it. They're a stupid fucking animal.

They don't give a shit about anything, anything, anything else. Right, right. So it's profit. Yeah yeah and so that's it and if and if changing their and if completely doing a 180 within days is that's because they realize profit would be with that move yeah if you don't think that they prioritize who's more important when it comes to voting think Think about boarding a fucking Delta flight. First, you get first class passengers, rich people that are all white, all rich white people. You guys get in first.

And then by the end, you're like row 27 through 35, which is all the poor people. You get on last. Overhead, maybe not. We may have to take your bag for me before you get on. I'd be very interested to see the percentage of minority, um, Georgia citizens who work for Delta. I bet it's very,

very high. Yeah. And they are going against their own people with this bullshit. 16 clear voter suppression measures in that 95 page document. Yeah. You can't give people online water. You know, that's stealing the thunder from it.

Then they try to, whatever they try to, they won't standardize later hours. They're like, no, how about, you know, you can,

we might move it later than 5. PM on Sundays. It's like, no, how about, you know, you can, we might move it later than 5 PM on Sundays. It's like, no, that's voter suppression. You standardize later hours. Well, and Sunday voter drives is a huge thing in the black community. You know why? Because a lot of black people have to work two jobs because they're in the lower socioeconomic strata. A lot of times both parents are working. And so they don't have time to go vote during the week. And so they go to church on Sunday, and then they head over and they register to vote. So they specifically stopped voting, registering on Sundays to hurt a specific part of the population. It's bald faced.

There's nothing subtle about it. Yeah. So anyway, you're right. I flew Delta recently and loved it. But fuck them. It is a great airline. I'm not going to lie to you. Hey, by the way,

regarding this issue, Georgia, so the MLB moved out and of course the Republican... No, they didn't move out. The All-Star game was moved. All-Star game was moved. Of course, the Republican talking point immediately was socialist Stacey Abrams has caused all this.

And she had to issue a statement. I'm against the All-Star game moving. Are you kidding me? My state could benefit so much from all this. What I'd like is for MLB to stay at the table and let's have this conversation. Yeah, yeah. Don't forget, Atlanta was the home to, what was that guy's name?

The pitcher from Atlanta who said he wasn't going to go to New York because he didn't want to get on the subways with all the black people. John Rocker. John Rocker, the biggest racist in sports history. Well, I think it was Colin Quinn was anchor of SNL's weekend update. And he goes,

cause he, all right. So one of the, one of the huge reasons he got in trouble was there was talk that he'd be traded to the mets and he goes i would never go i'm paraphrasing here but he would say like i'm never going to the mets he's like um i whatever he's like that subway is packed with like god it was like gays hiv drug addicts like whatever it was something like that it was trust me it was very close it was disturbingly close to what i just said and he's like all this so and new yorkers were so offended so here's colin quinn and he goes and he said this and

like the the crowd booed and he goes listen say what say what you will about John Rocker, but he has been on the seven train. It's so great. Of course, our crack producer, Chris Denman, has only good things to say about him. He wrote a hell of a fastball. Yeah, that's important, Chris. He's probably going to be throwing them at black people on the seven train. Next story.

Oh, boy. Girl Scout cookie season. Oh, yeah, those little whores are out there slinging those shitty, overpriced, sugary cookies. Are they shitty? I don't know. An eight-year-old cancer survivor. Oh, that changes the tone of my reporting. And San Bernardino is using some of the proceeds from her girl scout cookie sales to give back to others fighting cancer lily bumpus kind of name is bumpus who has been a

girl scout for four years said she sold 32 000 boxes of girl scout cookies within three months bumpus troop which includes other childhood cancer survivors, is allocating a majority of the funds they raise towards cancer research and feeding the homeless. Of the more than 32,000 boxes sold, 5,200 boxes are being donated to fellow childhood cancer warriors in the hospitals. Oh, yeah, that's a great idea. childhood cancer warriors in the hospitals oh yeah that's a great idea let's take people fighting for their lives and give them these fucking processed sugary shit cookies that's terrible it is right i didn't really listen to the story i was researching john rocker's comment what is is this, Girl Scout cookies?

Are you kidding? I don't know if you're kidding right now. No, I'm not. I'm not kidding. I found it. It's worth it. I found his comment. It's worse than what I said.

What is it? All right, here. It is worth it. You know we have a producer, right? All you have to do is say, Chris, look this up. Not that he doesn't have it in his diary anyway, because he loved it so much. Well, one thing he said is, I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. And he added, how the hell did they get in this country? He also called a black teammate a fat monkey.

He's just getting started, though. But talking about playing for New York, he goes, quote, imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with aids right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20 year old mom with four kids it's depressing and to that colin quinn goes say what you will but he's been on the seventh it's it was worth it i'm sorry about the girl scout but oh my god oh god it's the best is when i'm trying to make them look bad and i can't even do it justice well the girl scout cookie story is

it's a very beautiful story this girl giving sugar to cancer people is that it yeah but no it's sweet she raised a lot of money how do you not buy i mean first of all it's hard enough to not buy the box of cookies from a girl scout anyway you want to feel good about yourself but then when she's got cancer you know that's a pretty good sales pitch yeah i'd say uh you know my joke about girl scout cookies right what's that you know my joke about girl scout cookies right what are they what know my joke about girl scout cookies right what are they what is it you know girl scout cookies you come out they're always in your face but then you go up and you know you buy the cookies you feel like you're helping out the girls and uh so you're walking back to your car through the parking lot of the supermarket

you got an armful of do-si-dos and then some black teenager walks up to you he's got a box full of snickers bars he's like excuse me me, will you help support my basketball team? And you're like, that's a fucking scam. That's bullshit. There's no fucking basketball team. Then you see the Girl Scout get into her dad's BMW with a fistful of cash. We fucked him again, dad. We fucked him again.

Homemade Girl Scout cookies. What the? dad we fucked him again homemade girl scout cookies what the but that's the point is that girl scout cookies they're supposed to be scouts making things with their hands learning skill there's no little girls making these cookies well there are there are but they're not in this country i wonder who makes girl scout cookies maybe chris can look at i'll look it up and i won't hear uh the next story but yeah yeah i don't know do they go door to door do they go door to door anymore it's probably safer than uh within the organization of uh predators yeah get yeah get them out of the uh get them out of the Girl Scout meeting building. Meeting building?

Meeting building. The center, the den. Here we go. Two commercial bakers are licensed by the Girl Scouts of the USA to produce the cookies. ABC Bakers and Little Brownie Bakers. Huh. All right. All right. I wonder if you can tell the difference you know sometimes there's been a lot of chatter of like uh hey the manoa or whatever

the hell they're called uh samoa cookies they've they're different this year oh yeah i feel like they change a little bit year to year absolutely Yeah See how many we can name Samoa Thin Mints No what are they called Are they called thin no they're not There's something mint No Thin Mints Aren't Thin Mints the little

Restaurant Mints No I think they're called Thin Mints Chris why don't you look that up for us the little restaurant mints? No, I think they're called thin mints. Okay. Chris, why don't you look that up for us? What? Next week, just Chris does the podcast. All right, let's do a horoscope, Mike.

You got it. Well, there's a big birthday tomorrow. We don't have to remind anybody about that. Horoscope, this is Aries. You're likely to be very aware of things going on around you today, and you may internalize the opinions of others, Aries. Be careful about opening yourself up so much that you get hurt by someone's offhand, unflattering comment.

You will find the most comfort in tangible and stable things. Enjoy the material pleasures in life. Isn't that the worst advice ever? Yeah. Focus. Don't look within. Get a good watch. don't look within get a good watch yeah get a get a shiny car and what is this yeah buy something you can't afford put it on a credit card and by the way what's with this first part about don't open yourself up or you'll get hurt was was the horoscope written uh by a guy who's been reading codependency no more by ann beattie what a name drop i read it every day okay but but honestly the two messages in this paragraph are uh really focus on what other people think of you and enjoy material pleasures yeah I'm not, I am going to take that advice because that's very easy advice to follow. It's much easier than don't care about what other people say and do not go shopping to make yourself feel better. You should really sit with the pain.

Yeah, horoscopes don't usually let you sit with the pain. They often want you to go out and do something. They want you to change jobs. They want you to get out of a bad relationship. How about just sit in a room, meditate, focus on your breath, and realize that you are exactly where you're supposed to be right now. But that doesn't sell horoscope books, does it? It definitely doesn't.

I couldn't even hang around for the end of that sentence. There's no way. It was like you just telling me, why don't you start doing sit-ups and push-ups? Like, no. My belly is so— Isn't there a machine that can do them for me? I just hook up these little pads to my abs and I just get them. My belly is so fucking fat right now.

It's ridiculous. I weigh 100. Normally I weigh 150 pounds. That's my go-to weight. It has been since college. And now I'm at 157. And literally my arms are thinner because I haven't been working out.

My legs are the same. It's all belly weight. It's seven pounds of belly weight. You're up to 157. You should be out here in this golf tournament. Are you under 200? Yeah. You know, I made a deal with myself, right? I'll never go above 200 the rest of my life. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I get close. I did get I hit 200, but then I just take it down. But it's a nice it's a nice. But here's the thing. It should be lowered. I mean, we're losing the old guys podcast, but, you know, we're losing muscle mass. Yeah. So soon the rule is going to have to be 195.

Yeah. Now, I just noticed my gym is back open. I belong to Gold's Gym in Venice, the original Gold's Gym. And I am the weakest person there, which I like. It, like, inspires me. But they moved all the... Have you seen it?

They moved all the equipment outside. It's in the... They closed off the parking lots and they put... You drive by and there's fucking people lifting weights on uh you know treadmills all the machines the nautilus machines everything is outside they have two huge parking lots i bet all of them including our friend tom used to go there love it well no because tom's

main interest was the men's showers i doubt they they moved. If they move the showers outside, then I'm going to go eat lunch down there and watch. I think that would be quite a spectacle. But, no, all these vain people, that's all they're, it's kind of like Muscle Beach. Yeah. Outside, let tourists look at me. Flex. No, but they put up that green nylon stuff over the fencing so you have to like really sneak a peek at the openings got it hey chris and by the way outside of those fences

homeless in camp every inch of it are homeless tents surrounding the gold's gym workout center and they work out too. It's usually in the form of masturbation. And so you can watch that as well as someone doing some curls. It's a feast for the eyes. So Chris update, upon further review, Nutella creators, Ferraro Bakers, an Italian conglomerate, owns Little Brownie Bakers.

They also own Nestle. wait a minute nestle is not its own thing nestle is one of the biggest companies in america and it's owned by another company well no no nestle is one of the biggest companies of that type in the world yeah and it's owned by another company ferrero who i've never heard of ferrero yeah damn actually i believe nestle was the corporation one maybe there's more and maybe i don't have this right but they're the ones that gave formula to new mothers in Africa for free. Oh, right. And then the free supply ended and they charged them. And, of course, once you've started it,

what happens is your body's not producing milk, so you can't go back to your natural breastfeeding. That was fun. It's not good for you i mean if you have to if you have to do formula that's fine but it is so much better to breastfeed do you think aaron so owen was breastfed till he went away to college do you think two years he was breastfed for two years if you do you it was longer than two no jojo was longer than two she was like two and a half so do you think if it was this is actually a fair question do you think if it was formula erin definitely wouldn't have gone that long right obviously no yeah of course not That's a dumb question.

Yeah. What's the question? Would she have gone that long? No. She wanted the benefits of breast milk for them and all the... And they wanted some titty. Are you kidding me? Exactly, exactly. We could have been a strap-on.

What? Could we do some entertainment? strap-on. What? Could we do some entertainment? Let's do it. I think we both, I think our assignment for this week was to watch Eric Andre's new film, Bad Trip. Did you see it?

I did. I saw it last night. Alright. What'd you think? I have only myself to blame. I think I overhyped it. I just heard from so many people. It was really funny, first of all. That's the first thing I should say.

But it was a little, I was expecting a little more. And if I'm being critical, again, I'm choosing to be critical right now. Cause I really liked it and I'll probably watch it again, but some of them didn't hold water for me. Like, and I get hung up in hidden camera production cause I've done it before. And like, that's why I'm just, it's a Marvel watching the Borat movies or Brunouno and those things and that's why he has multiple setups because so many things can go wrong and he really doesn't cheat it as much as uh as as i think this movie did so anyway it was it had me laughing really really hard i thought it was really creative at times but i had built it up it's my fault too much in my head um i um

i liked it a lot um it was very much like uh borat i mean you know he consulted yeah he did it got 73 on rotten tomatoes. I think it was... I bet 15% of them just throw out because they're offended, I'm sure. I thought it was great. I really liked it. I know people that lost their minds for it thought it was so great. Same. But I thought the guy that played his buddy was really good.

Oh, Lil Rel is great. Tiffany Haddish stole the show. She was fantastic. What acting chops in this thing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was in fifth gear the whole way. She brought it. And I just love Eric Andre.

I think his show is like one of the funniest shows in the last 10 years. Oh, my God. He's great. So, did you have trouble during it? Like, why? And i'm putting humor aside why isn't this working for me like borat does because i was like oh yeah this is exact same thing i mean it's a road trip that's what the first borat was both borats and uh and i think you know what hurt this a little bit or didn't hurt it, it confused me a little, is I know Lil Rel and I know Tiffany Haddish.

Not personally. We know them. They're big. You know, Lil Rel, you know, he was in Get Out. Yeah. And he had his own sitcom. And Tiffany Haddish is a superstar. And it's hard.

We're like Borat. He doesn't even resemble sasha baron cohen right yeah and everybody else is a no-name yeah so like the the blonde girls is so believable anyway i was a little big so it's hard to tease out what was bumping me but i was like it's like i'm watching eric andre and lil rel and it's almost like are they going to break a fourth wall kind of because i don't know it was it was like oh they're kind of playing themselves and then it gets confusing well not just not to do a spoiler alert but that scene with the gorilla was one of the funniest things i've seen in a movie. I mean, that was Borat level. That was insane. Right.

I wish it was a bigger, you know, whatever. Now I'm totally nitpicking unfairly. But I wish it was. Like, if it was Borat, I think there would have been a really big thing. I think you would have seen people leaving. Yeah. People walking away.

People really freaking, like, freaking like calling like emergency. Maybe there would have been another level, like they would have shot a dart in, but it hit Andre, whatever. I shouldn't think like this, by the way, that's a good note, but I shouldn't think like this, but I do when I watch it. And, and Borat like has every base covered when I watch it. Yeah. And I think, uh, yeah, I think that one of the big differences borat really goes after

victims who deserve it you know racists and misogynists and um and i think eric andre was more like let me glorify good people that are trying to help you know like you have the people the guy saying get away you know go and all these loving people that are trying to like help the characters along the way so it was it was a different vibe but that's a great point i think it's going to be a cult classic i think it's going to really stand the test of time one of my nieces during it said uh people oh people are pretty good people are pretty decent like that was that was coming through. You're right. He was on Stern last week.

He was great. Oh, that's fantastic. I should try to get him on my podcast. I'm friends with him. I should get him on. You totally should get him on. Also, you saw the Tina Turner documentary? No, it came out yesterday.

Dude, it's so good. You saw it? I saw it. It's amazing. Wow. It is so powerful. You want to save it for next week so you can watch it and we'll talk about it? Yeah, I am just reminded of that very, very funny, just for a simple joke,

that New York Post headline, which, I mean, I looked it up. It looks like it really was the New York Post. But the New York Post headline when Ike Turner died was Ike beats Tina to death. Ugh. After you watch this movie, you will not be able to laugh at that. Oh, no. It's so brutal.

But I saw her movie. I saw her movie had a lot of brutal details. Yeah. But just such a power. Anyway, we'll save it. We'll save it. Oh, boy. I just got shamed.

I saw this. I'm into wife beating. God, you make me feel dirty. All right. Godzilla versus King Kong. Didn't see it, won't see it. What do you mean you won't see it? Oh, I know why you won't see it, because of the Asian hate?

Well, first of all, is it on Apple Plus? No, HBO Max. All right, why would I possibly see this movie? Because it's two fucking giant monsters fighting in cities are you insane i mean do you enjoy cgi that much oh wow i want to see what a bunch of nerds can do on their computers i don't know who wins this fight uh these this this this kind of this versus this match uh but do you think there was a boardroom full of people at paramount or wherever the hell made this movie and then when this giant asian hate awareness has popped up and especially

the awful awful killings in atlanta were they just like oh my god we have king kong beating the shit out of asian godzilla yeah i swear to god i bet i bet they thought about it right right yeah man this asian awareness thing has happened so fast and it's shined a light on something that really was taken for granted because obviously with black people with the history in this country there's always been a vocal and uh an obvious pushback against racism and i think with latinos you've seen it um starting you know starting with uh um uh why am i forgetting his name who is the guy that organized the uh farm workers back in the 50s cesar chavez yeah starting with cesar chavez and up until now and with the everything's going on on the border there's an awareness of uh latino rights but

with asians i think there there's never been any protection about jokes and stereotypes the objectification of asian women It's happened in like three weeks and now it is like, it's affecting so much in terms of the way we think and the way, what's acceptable. I was working on this project where one of the just funny things

regarding staff on this, it was a behind the scenes of a show, was one of the Asian writers, like all these things about we have to really diversify diversity initiatives and we have to have a more diverse and the asian guy there the whole time like i'm i'm i'm here like do you guys and of course the whole conversation in this you know especially the typical hollywood rush to cover their asses um was about you about, you know, African-American, you know, the hiring more black

writers and all that. And, um, and Latin writers and the Asian guy like, hello, um, that joke doesn't work anymore. Right. Right. And that's, that's good news. Yeah. Yeah. I think there, I think that the, that issue needs to be examined more and I'm guilty of it. You know, truthfully, I make a lot of jokes about Asian women and Asian porn. And I think that Asian people, because I think they live a little bit insular, I think you have a lot of Asian communities who don't interact as much. And so I think they're seen as, well, they're over there, we're over here. And there's not the intermingling that you see as much.

So it's easier to objectify. And there's huge blind spots. You know, in LA, I'm not saying this is an excuse, but I obviously have these blind spots. But one thing I see, and it's wrong to see this as normal and that they're they you know i don't know how to word this but i'm unaware of my blind spot obviously but it's like we just see so many asians doing well in los angeles right and that is a distorted

view but it's like we have kids applying to colleges and stuff. And it's like you go on UCLA's campus and you, the amount of like super smart, hardworking Asian kids that are at UCLA, it's a phenomenal amount of them. And you also see just like these communities, as you said, like, you know, really working together. And so I'm ashamed to say, like, I just had this huge blind spot about how many challenges. It's ridiculous that it's a blind spot, but how many challenges they go through. And of course, it's been spiked. It was totally there. Don't get me wrong. But it's really been spiked, you know, recently with with, you know, whatever.

We won't get too political, but because of the pandemic. with you know whatever we won't get too political but because of the pandemic i just looked up because i went to ucla a friend of ours was raving about the foods the food plan that they have at ucla just for the students just a regular cafeteria and we went to one and there are stations you can go to a sushi station you have carving carving stations. You have fucking pan-Asian, like every different kinds of food. And it's like the best food you've ever had. But anyway, we were so overwhelmed by the number of Asian students and it's become a real issue. It's become white people are really reacting to the fan and black people i just looked this up ucla what percentage of black people do you think attend ucla what year um i don't know probably

this year this year it's going to be more um i i don't even have a guy whoa all right hold on african americans as a percentage of the United States population, I think it's like 14%. Yeah. Something like that. So you're saying what is the black population in UCLA? Yeah. It's definitely not one out of five, right? I'm going to say it's 12%.

3%. Holy fuck. Asian, 33%. Wow. percent three percent holy fuck asian 33 percent wow hispanic 21 percent which is actually that's that's good that seems like a good representation so wait what are i'm wondering if whites are the majority no because no i mean if they're the highest percentage. Like Santa Monica High School, whites are not the majority. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

Despite its name. Huh. But all right. So there's different ways to look at that, of course. Whatever. No, whites are 25 percent. Asians are 33. OK, yeah. So that means they're not. Yeah, they're not a majority in any sense of the word.

Okay, great. Because I think Santa Monica High School is, they might be the largest population, but they're not over 50%. Right. That's another way of looking at it. And of course, you don't have to send your corrections. There's probably a way to phrase that term majority.

So anyway. You know what time it is, Mike. Your favorite section. Uh-oh. Florida man. Florida governor. He's the man that we're referring to. Ron DeSantis signed an executive order Friday banning the use of COVID-19 passports in the state. The order prohibits any government entity from issuing vaccine passports and blocks businesses from requiring any such documentation.

So do you know what this is referring to? No. It's basically your little card. Like, hey, let's say you own a deli, and you're like, everyone can eat here, you can eat outside, but to eat inside, you have to prove you've been vaccinated. Fair enough. Illegal.

DeSantis cited freedom and privacy concerns as the primary basis for the action arguing that the implementation and enforcement of vaccine passports would quote create two classes of citizens based on vaccinations but it's like hey what about the freedom and the uh the freedom of the individuals in your state who want a safe business. Right. What about you're taking their freedom away. They own a private business. They own a restaurant.

You're taking away their right to say, hey, I'd like, and I also think it would be a good business model, if I'm known as a restaurant where you're double vaxxed before you come in here. Sure. And this is the same guy that says that if you want to vote, you have to show ID. You have to show your address, who you are to some stranger who's sitting at a table. Right.

And how about the self-contradiction? I'm sure there's vaccine rules with your kids before they can attend the public high schools. Absolutely. I mean, the other vaccines that have been around for decades. Right, right. Of course. Yeah.

So he's just full of shit. Okay, Florida wants to start having these, you know, ID checks. I think if you want to go to the beach and wear a thong, you should have to show a card that says you're less than 175 pounds. And this isn't just about women. Men and women. Men are wearing the thongs too. 175.

God, well, it would be a good reason for me to never go to Florida. I couldn't be on the beach. Well, I guess I could be on the beach, but I have to give up my thong. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, we were at the beach. Well, I guess I could be on the beach, but I have to give up my thong. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, we were at the beach the other day, and it has become absolutely standard on Venice Beach. I would say if a girl is on the beach, there is a 70% chance she's wearing a thong.

Even my daughter and niece is running. the whole culture has become about ass is your daughter and niece wearing thongs no but they but they it's essentially the same they're wearing them yeah then they ride high yeah another style it's the same effect though yeah yeah no i'd consider that a thong like half the butt cheek is showing. And if you saw that, if this was, no exaggeration, three years ago, if not two years ago, and you saw one person with a thong on a beach in Venice, there would be a fucking crowd of guys following her. There would be people taking pictures, right? No, there were more thongs, I think, than that.

But you're right. It was more, it stood out more for sure. And other than our daughters, I think, than that. But you're right. It was more, it stood out more for sure. And other than our daughters, I think it's fantastic. And people ever 175. Well, the benefit of the one where you just pull it up high, but it's still, you know, it's basically a regular bottom. It covers the tramp stamp, yet you get that thong effect it's a double yes yes yeah it is amazing though to think about putting a thong in your ass like you got to have

a clean asshole to do that like i do do you think the thongs like under thong underwear do you think there's a shit stain on that string every time you take it out smells like it sometimes you can't see it and it's been in the pool so sometimes you have to really sniff hard because the chlorine smell that's right is dominating you know what i find if i boil water and i dunk it in there and i squeeze it out then you can really get a taste yeah i get the red light also you could get some things know what you know what you're dealing with right uh here's what we're dealing with now international Oh, boy. This gets in that area a little bit. So, baby, here's the headline, baby born with three penises makes medical history. So, what I'd like to highlight before I read this is how the New York Post writes an article.

So, here's, here's, these are all verbatim. I'm adding nothing to this. It begins with just good things come in threes. This is a medical article. Keep in mind an Iraqi boy, no doubt etched his name into the phallic hall of fame after he was born

with a whopping trio of penises uh quote the article quotes someone um to the best of our knowledge this is the first reported case with three penises or trypthalia what's amazing is they had a name waiting for it. Yes. This medical community, that makes me think it might have been an unofficial thing at one point. Well, I have the name there. Anyway. If someone ever gets four, it's going to be Quadrifalia.

Which has an amazing soundtrack waiting for it. That's right. From The Who. amazing soundtrack waiting for it that's right from the who a lot alas it seems that the boy's potential future as the world's first three-pronged porn star was nipped in the bud since three willies additional foul what's this oh wait i'm not even following this no hold on and i and i'm the one who copy and pastes they're calling, they're calling the boy Three Willie instead of Free Willie. They've given him a nickname of Three Willie. It's unbelievable.

So he was the world's first three-point point, so he was nipped in the bud. Since Three Willie's additional phalluses didn't have urethras, the tube that urine passes through, doctors decided to surgically remove those two doctors have yet to pinpoint the cause of the phallic deformity but they have linked it to other congenital aberrations such as being born with two scrotums or anuses. Imagine being born. So imagine having two thongs that reek of asshole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, imagine having three penises if they didn't cut it off.

It depends on the doctor. You got to think if you're a doctor that has some imagination and likes to see a good story unfold, you're not cutting the other two dicks off. You're letting this guy take a fucking run at it. You know, because depending on, because think of the fun you could have, like you could have a four-way and use a different penis on each one

and use the good one on the best girl. You get this one. Yeah, there's one like, I wouldn't go there. That one has unprotected sex all the time. Use the other two. Do you think that while having sex with one of them, you'd get so turned on that you'd jerk off the other two? Wait, what's that?

While having sex with a girl who was really hot. Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah. You're like, wow, look what that guy's up to. There's envy, there's penis envy from other penises. Or that glory hole in some bathroom, whatchamacallit, gas station bathroom.

Was three Willie here? Well, how, you know, whatchamacallit, gas station bathroom. Was three Willie here? Well, how do you know? Because I got dents in my sheetrock around the glory hole. On either side of the glory hole, there's two dents. Yeah. It's, you could do DP,

you could do double penetration on a girl and jerk off. With the shocker. There's also that. Yeah, you get the whole, yeah, that he'd have a toy. He'd probably have a toy named after him. Yeah. Now, when they wrote this article, did they have in mind that Sunday Papers would be covering this story and be so excited about it?

Yeah, I know. It's kind of right up our alley hopefully they didn't circumcise them three times before they cut off two of them do you think they circumcised them and then cut it off that would be unfortunate yeah yeah yeah i want to look into the two asshole people though that's interesting to me is one just a a hole to nowhere or is it also connected to the colon um well you know there's the hermaphrodites that are born as a woman but they also have a penis where the clitoris would be right did you ever read a book called middle sex no but i mean it was didn't win the pulitzer

it is amazing it's about a hermaphrodite uh it's about three hermaphrodites through the course of history the right term now yes oh wow that was a very quick yes okay i'll just take your word for it um yeah this penis story is but the two buttholes there's a hole to nowhere that might be my memoir's title I gotta think it through well you don't want a hole to nowhere because that's an alley that's closed off on one end

which leads to a lot of infections right you need some flow alright let's do some sports yes mike why don't you bore us with some march madness talk the unders have been doing very very well And there's two games left. And I won't out them, but I'm betting with a guy because he has such a nice family and he's out in Kansas. And I've gotten the better of him in this bet. There's two games. Today's Saturday. There's two

games today. UCLA Gonzaga and Houston Baylor. it's the it's the final four and i'm betting the under in the houston baylor and then he gets to pick because i've beaten him so badly he gets to pick whether he wants the over or under uh on the ucla gonzaga game let me see if he wrote me back so you you and he have bet every single game of March Madness? Yes, beginning a little later into it. We missed maybe the first round or something, but it's been pretty even. I think we're only about two games off or something like that.

You're telling me out of 60-whatever games, the bookies were right 58 of those times how about this why don't we assign someone who there's sites that keep up what the over-under was so they'd be able to look at a bracket and tell us it would be very interesting to see what it is it's close don't you know because you guys have been keeping track no what happened was i he was up uh so we were betting 20 a game right this is a little bit of a modified one because it's it's not normally with rabbi who has a beautiful family also but i'll name him because he's a derelict so normally with rabbi it was 100 this was 20 and he went up 80 and he went up 80 like twice because we're like

go down to 60 or 40 back up to 80 i think he went up to 83 times and then it was a trouncing and whatever the hell it's called the sweet 16 or whatever and it was like i then went it went to even so that's four i think i won four out of four one day and the next day i think i won three out of four and then we it was basically even and we switched it to fifty dollars a game but then i shellacked him and he wanted to take some unders so i gave him that that's a long way of saying hard to keep track god damn it you're so boring when you talk about basketball because i have no interest in college basketball. I could care less.

I don't even know who played five minutes after it's over. Yeah. So anyway, I think I'm going to wind up with the under on both of these games because he's probably terrified. Gonzaga, have you watched any of their games? I've never watched a college. Last time I watched college basketball was with my dad when i was in high school so it's a bad memory no it was a great memory it's back when saint johns was

playing against georgetown and it was patrick ewing and uh chris mullen chris mullen and i mean those that was i don't know why but that's a high point for college basketball everybody knows about those games there were so many great players in those years i mean you had worthy and jordan down in north carolina like it was just nuts and the coaches who was the guy who coached uh georgetown the black guy thompson wasn't it yeah he was great he was a big character yeah uh and now ewing is coaching him right that's right yeah that's right um they can dude gonzaga is so the pace of the game is so fast i think they average like around 80 points or something uh-huh so it's crazy it's a different and by the way they're 30 you know and i think uh brother-in-law george who's out here who uh follows these things i think he said the last time an undefeated team uh went one march you know one One March Madness is 77 or something like that.

Well, other sports story. My friend Pete Scott, who listens to the podcast, had promised me that he would get us tickets to the Masters this year. It starts tomorrow. And what state is that in? Oh, right. Yeah, go down and support. Right. state is that in oh right yeah go down and support right at least it's not like a white area of georgia the masters right there yeah it's pretty meanwhile he's i'm making him easter dinner

i'm making him easter dinner i'm taking him surfing tomorrow wow hey uh are you gonna be back for easter you're gonna join us for dinner i don't know when is this super spreader what is i don't know i don't know you're you're vaccinated i'm vaccinated aaron's vaccinated that's the wrong attitude well what about pete who just flew here from georgia well we're gonna have outside. I think you just made that up. No, that was the plan, to have it outside. Maybe. I got Olivia with me. Or you know what? Swing by for dessert.

There we go. Maybe I'll bring something over. Okay, what are you going to bring? Probably something chocolatey in the shape of a bunny. That would be great. Okay. All right. All right.

Let's go to science. When the Ingenuity helicopter takes flight this month, it will be a Wright Brothers moment on Mars. The first powered, controlled flight on another planet has been years in the making, and it has roots in the first such flight on Earth. Millions of miles away and more than a century later, the four-pound Ingenuity helicopter will use its pairs of four-foot blades to reach nearly 10 feet up through the thin martian atmosphere the minuscule helicopter will hover for 30 seconds capture images make a turn and return to the

ground that's pretty cool huh is it no it's not at all if you think about it if there really are martians and they're sitting up there and we fucking landed a couple weeks ago and they're waiting to see what we're going to do and then we pull this off, are they going to think that Earthlings is just like a planet of 11-year-olds? Are they going to wait for us

to put Rock'em Sock'em robots out and play a couple rounds? Yeah, why don't we just put up a lawn chair attached to balloons what is it and by the way why and do you know how much money and manpower went into this little fucking we just landed there we already had the 10 foot view yeah right i don't get it i don't get it. I don't get it at all. I get putting a monkey into space. That's fun. By the way, did you see Steve Carell's?

I think I told you about it. Steve Carell's space comedy that he stars in Space Force or whatever it's called on Netflix. I saw it. The second, the first episode was a pilot. I didn't enjoy it at all. But pilots are hard. I know, I saw it. The second, the first episode was a pilot. I didn't enjoy it at all, but pilots are hard. I know that all too well. The second episode

had a monkey that was out in space. It was the funniest scene. Like, I was laughing really hard. Like, just go to that. Go to the second episode and find where they're trying to talk, communicate with a monkey

who's out in space. I agree a thousand percent. The pilot was not strong and then the series got better after that. Yeah. Okay, so why are they—I don't know. I guess we have to take their word for it. They spent probably tens of millions, maybe more, on this little project within a project. I still can't fucking believe that we can send a rocket that far and then

actually have almost live images being fed to us from a camera that's on that planet how do they know where to aim it how do they it's fucking crazy and then we control it we control everything on that ship from here yeah and i would imagine it takes a while right it's not instantaneous because how far away is the planet meanwhile i walk into the kitchen with my airpods and the whole fucking audio goes kaput hey now kaput's a technical term. I know. I can't get my fucking phone to connect to my car. And these guys, and these guys. Direct TV goes out with a little cloud layer.

And meanwhile, Mars perfectly. How many atmospheres is that going through? Right. At least two. Speaking of which, Siri, let's go to the business section. Siri will soon stop defaulting to a female-sounding

voice. The company said Wednesday that its mobile devices will ask users to pick from a range of voices when they set up the virtual assistant. Gender stereotypes among voice assistants such as Siri, Amazon's Alexa, and the Google Assistant have long been a concern. In 2019, a United Nations report warned that voice assistants perpetuate the idea that

women are an obliging, docile, and eager-to-please helpers available at the touch of a button or with a blunt voice command. Mm-hmm. No, they're not. Mm-hmm. I still want a... Look, this thing is an assistant. I want a submissive, obliging voice. I don't care if it's a woman. Could be a guy. But he should sound like he has low self-esteem.

You know, he mentions occasionally that, like, his band can't get a gig, or he still lives with his parents i heard though that apple's doing in stages it's it's obviously all the female voices are there and then it's trans women is the new first layer so it's it's men who have become women and that's going to be the next. Is anyone still listening? Yeah. I mean, I think if you, I wouldn't put my wife in this category as submissive.

And, you know, I mean, that's. I wouldn't put my ex-wife in that category. Nope. Nope. Yeah. It seems a little, I always thought it was sexist that, that the two largest tech companies in the world are like, yeah, the assistant's going to be a woman, obviously with no, that's, that's a no brainer. In fact, we didn't put any brain, uh, waves towards thinking otherwise. Yeah. And it's all guys, all those tech, you know,

all those Apple guys, all men. Yeah, you know, that was a tough thing for Silicon Valley. You know, they got the television show. They got criticized because it was, you know, very white male. And they're like, you know, this show is sending up Silicon Valley. And that's one of the things we're kind of sending up you know well when i i wrote on a tv show i won't say what tv show but it was a it was a very black show designing women and the executive producer brought up a sketch idea he goes we got to go after mad

mad men because there's no black characters and it's bullshit. And I go, yeah, but it's based on Madison Avenue in the 60s. Like there were no black people. So are you mad at Madison Avenue in the 60s? Are you mad at the depiction of it that's true to life? Not only that, I only saw like two seasons and I know I should watch the whole thing. But like they would recognize, right? It wasn't the elevator guys.

Oh, yeah. No, they did a whole storyline on Martin Luther King getting assassinated on the marches in Selma. They had black characters later and they dealt with race a lot. No, I think it dealt with it a lot. But anyway, it's the same thing. Like, in other words like uh have you seen the crown it's really yeah right it's really white yeah uh anyway i stood up to him about it in a meeting and then he fucking iced me for the rest of the season wow yeah it was ugly. And that comedy writer, who was the worst comedy writer of all time, in my mind.

Should I even say this? No, because I think I know who it is, and I know the clue you're going to give, and there's only one person. And you think it would hurt my career by pointing it out? No, but I just think what's in the writer's room can stay in the writer's room. Okay. A little bit. All right.

Also in business, we've got to check in on Investopedia, our contest that ends on the 4th of July. Plenty of time to still get in. You get $100,000. You get to invest it in any stocks that you want. I better make my move. I'm going to make my move this week. The winner gets $100.

And then Mike and I have another $100 bet between us of who's higher at the end of it. So right now in first place, been in first place for four weeks, right now in first place been in first place for four weeks nick allen who currently is at 237 000 up about 50 grand now up about 10 grand from last week again is uh fitter 111 who's at 31 300 i almost wonder if he's tanking on purpose i doubt it but he'll have competition from me if that's his goal i've been investing my hundred thousand and i am currently at 97 300 you're the worst i haven't done a thing i'm at a hundred thousand and then you found my daughter in there yeah i didn't check on her this week but last

week she was up ahead of me she was at 115 000 she's in the 30s ranked and she's at like over 103 000 i think nice she's 15 yeah uh so i'm Uh, so I'm going to, I think I'm going to make my move because I'm sensing, uh, I mean, who knows? It can't keep going up. There's, I mean, or that's what I've said for five years though. So what do I know? So can you short on Investopedia? Of course you can, because you can also buy funds that short so it's it's it's almost like you're not shorting because you're just buying a ticker you're out of your mind this market is not going down for a while i would say it'll start going down after this contest ends you think of a third wave starts to really first of all many feel it is starting to rear its ugly head. You think

that won't be a wake-up call? I think it'll dip, and then it'll come right back again. I might be on both those. I might win on both of those moves. You're going to buy on the dip? Yep. I like it. I'm going to buy before the dip.

That's why I'm going to join Fitter111, who's down $84,000. We should have Fitter111 on the show. I want to get inside his head a little bit. Well, have you looked at what he did? No. We can do that. But I think maybe he can be the voice of Siri from now on.

He's probably very docile. Yeah, choose him, the fitter voice. Let's do this day in history. Speaking of the man we just spoke of, this is a very sad day in history, and I've always been aware of it because it's the day before my birthday. Martin Luther King Jr. fatally shot while standing on the balcony outside his motel in Memphis.

He was there to support a sanitation worker's strike. Was on his way to dinner when a bullet struck him and he was pronounced dead. He was 39 years old. On April 3rd, back in Memphis, King gave his last sermon saying, quote, we've got some difficult days ahead, but it really doesn't matter with me now because I've been to the mountaintop

and he's allowed me to go up to the mountain and I've looked over and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, but I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land. That's insane. That's powerful. You were two?

This was in... You turned two years old? Yes. Yeah. Okay, so let's go to that birthday party. You're, you're turning two and it's everybody put smiles on and 14 hours before MLK was gunned down and brutally assassinated. God,

can you imagine? And all the kids have no idea and you're just demanding cake and you want to be taken like to you know play in the park or whatever the hell the thing was yep yep or at least a bouncy sitch i don't know what the fuck two-year-olds do now i forget but all the parents are clearly like mad men in the kitchen everyone with a cigarette in their mouth cocktail like what the fuck is going on with this country yeah right can you believe we brought these little shits into the world because yeah john f kennedy had been already killed i think robert kennedy was killed after he was because he famously he famously spoke about mlk's assassination oh

that's right yeah yeah and malcolm x was killed before martin luther king was killed i believe yeah i believe so can you imagine that can you know 68 was a fucked up year i mean we haven't had assassinations in our lifetime have we um i i think of i think we have not in this in this country high profile no no no i mean you know listen reagan shot ford shot at twice i think didn't die didn't die. Didn't die. Right. Didn't die. Secret Service guy. Didn't one of them maybe take a bullet for Reagan? Yeah. The Tom Brady. It hit him?

Was it Tom Brady? Because it was the Brady Law that they put out. A gun law called the Brady Law. The Brady Bill. Yeah. Definitely not Tom Brady. Your boyfriend. It was uh he would have gotten through that but also he was not security he was just there when they were getting in and out of the car i think all right um but uh let's think i mean obviously i think there have been some

assassinations uh god it's probably a giant blind spot right now. We're just not thinking of it. But that was a thing. Like the way we have domestic terrorism, in the late 60s, they had assassinations. No, all the 60s, they had assassinations. That was a thing. There was probably, I can't imagine a security detail. When I grew up, I remember Nixon. So this would have been, Nixon was impeached in what, 72?

73? So I would have been seven years old. And I remember Nixon was coming to visit Rockefeller. And John D. Rockefeller lived in my town half my town was owned by rockefeller it was like a lot of open land fenced in and rockefeller lived there and he had a train there were tracks you're not going to believe this this is fucking true there were tracks that led from new york city to my town into the estate of john d rockefeller those tracks were only used for john d rockefeller's train that's how we got in and out of the city wow

and years later they the tracks had all been pulled out and it was this fucking amazing bicycle trail that we all used to go on we used to ride we used to ride all fucking day on these on this trail so anyway nixon was driving up to tarrytown to visit john d rockefeller at the estate and he drove through tarrytown and i remember us standing on the sidewalk with crowds and nixon drove by and he was holding up his peace sign. And I was like several feet away from as he drove by. Like there wasn't security then the way there is now. He, a little, Nixon officially left office in August 74. Really?

Yeah. Oh, maybe he was elected in 72. But. Yeah, elected in 72. Right. elected in 72 right and not impeached right is that what we said he was impeached he was not convicted of a crime is that what it is yeah anyway i think we get corrections on this every three months chris denman our producer just put up that harvey milk a noted homosexual so i'm surprised it took chris this long to find it was killed in 1978 but that's not that was a murder that's not

an assassination has to be like an elected official or somebody who is a political figure i guess harvey milk was a political figure right what else was he wasn't he shot in the in the state building in San Francisco oh he was elected oh absolutely

city supervisor he's saying he was but he wrote it like this city supervisor oh he wrote it like this. City supervisor. Oh, he wrote the lisp in there? Yeah. Oh, that's unfortunate. Mm-hmm.

He wrote it in pink text. Also, he's never drinking milk because he thinks it's gay since then. Yep. Which is weird. Yep. All right. Well, this is weird. Yep. Alright, well, this is a depressing day in history. I know. Let's get to letters to the editor.

Oh, this will cheer you up. Some chick named Joanne says she's got a crush on us. Come on. Mike, whatever happened, there was a girl that reached out that wanted to meet you. She did it on Instagram. So I don't check the, I try to check the comments on Instagram, but I don't always get to them.

So if you're out there, lady, reach out to us again because Mike is single and he's ready to mingle. Is that my bumper sticker? Yep. Okay. Did I ever tell you that when we both worked at ellen there was a guy there uh who had a crush on me named eric liederman no ellen had a crush on you oh there's a guy named eric liederman and for april fools he took a license plate frame and he put it on my car while he snuck into the parking lot and put it on my car and i had a i had a

volkswagen with two car seats in the back and he wrote and it was the one that said official pimp mobile and i didn't notice for like five days and then i noticed and i fucking laughed so hard and i said to him that was so good that I vow to you I will never take this off my car and when I finally sold it it still had the pimp mobile sign on it that's fantastic yeah nice this comes from Gaz in the recent episode of Sunday Papers you mentioned Heather Mills who is Paul McCartney's ex-wife the the one missing a leg. Do you know about Wet It Be? Oh, God. When McCartney and Mills settled their divorce,

Mills was so pissed at McCartney's attorney, she poured a pitcher of water over his head before the court. The before court and after court photos are great. I don't know why i've always found this funny even though i was on paul's side during the divorce that's pretty good that is really funny so i guess the the before picture he's going in with dry hair and then he's coming out with wet hair I mean, he should wear it as a badge of honor. He won. Clearly. How mistreated did she think she was?

I'd be interested to know. I'm looking up right now, Heather Mills, net worth. She doesn't have that much money. Think about the amount of money she saves on shoes and skis she used to be a skier yeah 50 million dollars she's worth really yeah how much was she worth going into the marriage um 17 dollars she had wait a minute she got a 250 million dollar divorce claim so she spent 200 million dollars wait you said claim not settlement oh well let's see Oh, well, let's see. Wait a minute.

How long were they married? And they have no kids. He doesn't really owe her anything. Oh, no, you're right. That was the claim. She was awarded $48.6 million. $48 million? Yeah, she saw $250,000. She got $48,000.

On what grounds? Well, I i mean what's he worth that doesn't matter i mean i guess there's a a marital standard of living but also like in america the default law is you only pay the person that the breadwinner only pays the person if it's under a 10-year marriage, which I didn't have, but I do know it's half, half the duration. So if you're married two years, you're financially responsible for that person for one year.

You can't marry someone, I can't marry some rich woman for a month and expect to be taken care of with 28 million dollars i thought it was you get half of what income that person generated during the period of time you were together oh yeah and all of his greatest hits were those years he was married to her yeah right how much do you think his stuff sold and on the run and on the run no that's that's with linda that was way before right that's with linda and paul got to keep all linda's money i mean it's sad but uh i i'd be fascinated to see the rationale that she walks away wait didn't linda mccarth

wasn't linda mcc McCarthy wealthy before he married her? I think she was an heir to a fortune. Well, if we're talking about Linda McCartney, I'm not sure. I think maybe there is something there. Obviously she had all those music lessons to play the tambourine. So I think she grew up well.

It's an easy joke, kids she wasn't i want to look into this heather mills thing and she's pissed about getting 48 million dollars there obviously as i always say there's at least three sides to this story so let me not judge first um let's see maybe i'm wrong about heather she was born in westchester county i believe her real name was eastman i believe she may have been related to eastman kodak oh you're talking about linda yeah all right well that's funny because she was a photographer. Yes. And I think she got the film half off. Just like Heather got her skis. Yeah. I could be so wrong about that, about her parents. By the way, I mean, did McCartney have any songs while he was with Heather?

Like, who knows? But yeah, I mean, they earned money together. If he went on a tour, which I imagine he did while married to Heather, that's huge income. I would imagine royalties can't be counted, although that is present day income. I don't know.

Do you think if you married a one-legged woman, it would, and I'm being serious about this, and the same would be true if you married a one-legged woman, and I'm being serious about this, and the same would be true if you married a one-legged man for a woman, would it affect the power structure of the relationship? What do you mean? Would you feel like they kind of owe you one? If you were like, who's going to get up and get the remote? You're sitting on the couch.

Granted, it's harder for that person because they have one leg, but still you fucking married them and they have one leg. I think you might run into a lot of double standards, not the legs. The leg is one standard, but, uh, I think you would run into a lot of double standards where it's like, do not, you know, I'm not, do not look at me differently. Do not treat me different and all that. But if it's like, I forgot the spoon for the ice cream. I'm already in bed. You know, you better please go get it.

Don't make me hop to get my spoon. I don't think I said anything inappropriate there i think i did yeah you never mind if i do i don't mind if you do i like watching you you don't squirm sometimes that's the problem i think sometimes i have to remind you to squirm i swear to god i i don't know why my career isn't over with all the shit i've said it actually i don't know what what would bum me out more being canceled or saying the shit i've done and realizing i'm so insignificant that i haven't been canceled people cancel us we get hate mail yeah that's uh all right what do we have here that's uh

alright what do we have here sorry I'm just um we've got Dan Rubin says hey Greg and Mike I can't say I recall you guys ever detailing the origin story of your friendship let me guess you met at a party

and hit it off immediately bonding over your mutual love of misremembering and conflating movies, bands, actors, books, and pretty much any and all pop culture factoids. Well, why would Dan think we'd remember how we met if we're so mentally, intellectually challenged? Yeah, Dan. And you know what? Guess what, Dan? I don't remember meeting Mike. Do you remember meeting me the first time? I don't. I know there was a general feeling

that you had towards me when we first met. You probably had it towards me also because I probably wasn't giving off great vibes. We were both drinking a lot. So we're drinking a lot. We had a lot of mutual friends and there was a lot of testosterone flying around. And you have said to me,

including on my wedding day where you were my best man and you made a toast said, uh, when I first met Greg, like most of you, I didn't like him. That was sweet. And it was an applause break which i didn't expect uh no but you know at that point you were very you're still cocky but you were like you were cocky with that extra layer of alcoholism so that was a that was

a special brand of like and your posture it was a lot of what i didn't have which is like uh yeah i'm just gonna you like leaned crotch first like the crotch was the furthest thing out your crotch was the furthest part of your body out like not your chin or anything and i'm like the opposite my head like i'm slumped more your hands behind your back you're out fucking legs you're man spreading and you were like yeah yeah you might as well have like been chewing a piece of gum the whole time and that's how you were in the kitchen around the keg i'm like that fucking guy and i just remember you standing around the keg surrounded by fucking dumb, loud rugby players. And then I found out that like, weren't you like the head of the rugby team or something?

No, no. Your roommate and my old friend from high school, Pete Scott, he eventually became president, captain or whatever. No, president. He was the president. Yeah. That's the guy who's supposed to be getting me fucking tickets to the Masters. Right. president he was the president yeah that's the guy who's supposed to be getting me fucking tickets to the masters right uh i always saw you as a guy that didn't belong with that group of guys like i didn't get it you didn't seem like one of them that's accurate yeah yeah yeah no no and i

would distance myself and i would like try to sneak out because boy if they caught you you know trying to avoid drinking till you threw up blood uh you were really criticized why did you why did you join rugby it was definitely a different speed thing and uh like an alternative i did want an outlet and I, and I did like rugby. I really do like the sport. Uh, and I was very different. I think I hit, I was in the high 220s and don't get me wrong. I was also fat, but I was, I was like fat in shape. You know that like, you know, we ran every single day, so I was in shape, but I was also fat. Did you have to hit the weight room every day too? No, but I mean, God, practice was enough.

Like practice was brutal, you know. And we did lift, but we weren't disciplined, you know, like the football team or anything like that. We didn't have like lifting hours. But that was Division I, right? Or was it a club? No, it was was like a club but we played the best schools you know like new england not the best but you know one of our guys went to the american eagles like you know we had we had very good players as i yeah we already talked about us you know the brits were very good on our team

right right and um and then you know the the Americans were playing catch-up. Yeah. All right, let's do it. Just as we're trying to pick up the mood, it's time for obituaries. And that's all, folks. Oh, didn't we? G. Gordon Liddy, former FBI agent best known for his pivotal role in the Watergate scandal that led to the end of Richard Nixon's spread. Look at this.

We're hitting a lot of the same themes throughout this podcast. Maybe we don't need to do them because I felt like MLK was almost an obit. All right. That was our obit. Let's get to the funnies. But G. Gordon Liddy just died? I know. I thought he was already dead.

That seems weird to me he's the guy that got in prison and in front of i don't know now now for the first time in my life i'm questioning this story but apparently he put a flame under his hand in front of other people that were looking at him and just held it there like for a crazy amount of time and i think like part of his skin really really burned he was supposed to go to jail for 20 years he got his sentence commuted by carter and he did eight years as opposed to trump's boys where none of them did any time are any of his trump's guys in jail oh yeah no there's yeah oh there's like a handful of them of course time. Are any of Trump's guys in jail? Oh, yeah. No, there's, yeah. Oh, there's like a handful of them, of course. All right.

Well, one just got, you know, released. Anyway, Gabe. All right, let's get to the funny. Here we go. Andy and Flo, they're sitting in the bar. No, they're standing at the bar. And Andy is whispering in her ear and it looks kind of sexy like he's being sweet and she goes i i can't hear you and she whispers again she goes i

can't hear you and he whispers again and she goes speak up man i still can't hear you and then he says pretty loud i said who's the ugly looking bent sitting next to you and and this woman looks very hurt and flo's face turns red that's an early one i like that that is a good i thought for a second it was going to be a sweet moment with her but nope just being a cunt. Are we already at Family Circus? What happened to the other ones? Did I paste over them? I think you did. Let me find.

I can put them back in. What if I do undo's? I can do it. I can put them back in. Maybe we don't. Well, Family Circus truly is not even worth reading. You do that while I paste in the other ones all right you got the three fucking kids around a kitchen table and uh the mom's in the background and the

daughter who seems to be the oldest of these kids goes uh they're they're wrapping a carrot in a piece of paper and you can see on the piece of paper they've written for the easter bunny and down below the hilarious joke is quote i hope the easter bunny eats it this year last year he just put it back in the refrigerator that's good i like that one you're joking right yeah i'm joking okay i mean it's look it is four levels higher than jeff keen is used to doing oh really how about this let me make up a custom that doesn't exist which is leaving a carrot for the easter bunny kind of like cocoa and cookies for santa except this one doesn't fucking exist yeah if it was cookie if it was cookies for santa this would be a really solid joke the mom's in the

background looking at her three special needs kids like i just don't have a heart to tell them that this isn't a fucking thing people don't do this or or that they have three separate fathers well all right now now it's interesting now now i'm on the kid's side um and all the dads are members of the traveling circus that's why it's called family circus all right now i'm on I'm on board. I never saw this. You've, uh, now I was blind. Now I can see. Yeah. So, uh, forget it. Oh my God. All right. Let's get to, uh, our friend Hager. Hager the, you know why they call him Hager the Horrible? Uh, he's a horrible husband. So his, uh, his friend says to him, hello, Hager. And Hager is out of frame, by the way, until the final frame. And he says, hello, Dr. Zouk. Zouk says, my, my, you don't look good. He goes, I feel awful. While I was in Paris, I hugged a beautiful waitress and I got her perfume on me. You think the perfume caused this?

And he says, yes. And then the final frame, you see Hager has got a bump on his head, a black eye, a tooth knocked out, and she says, Helga smelled the perfume. Now, do we really think that a man, your husband, when he says, all right, sweetie, I'm off to work. What's his job description? He's going to rob, pillage, and rape. Rape is very much a part of his profession. And I don't think it's number three on that list, but go ahead.

Yeah, you lead with the rape, and then you leave with the gold. That's how you get the guys to storm the castle, the rape. And so I don't think a little perfume from a waitress is going to set helga off that much also there's a phrase that i think is is is actually as old as viking times which is called stink on your down low and i think that's what perfume is code for yeah i think helga might have smelled the rape yeah yeah exactly yeah there you go there's no cocktail waitresses in paris and waitress isn't it a wench yeah i think there's some uh what do they call them?

What is it called when you attribute something? You have it out of time in storytelling? Oh, wow. I'm so brain dead. You know what I'm talking about. Look, I'm the one that just got my second COVID shot. Get your shit together. Like when you see a car in a movie that predates cars. That never happened, but I'm making it up.

An anomaly. It's like, hey, but I'm making it up. An anomaly. It's like, hey, whatever. I give up. Just shoot me. Somebody write in, please. Everyone knows. They're pounding their dashboards whenever they're listening. They're prior, whatever.

Yeah, go ahead. Let's close it out on Blondie. Holy mother of God. Dagwood and Blondie are on the beach at a resort. All right. And Mr. Dilwood, who's his boss, is sitting at a desk, and he says, I can't find the Muldoon contract anywhere in Bumstead's messy desk. And that dunderhead is in Hawaii having the time of his life.

Cut to Blondie sitting on a lawn chair next to Dagwood. She's got on a black two-piece. And let me tell you something. If you ever wonder what Blondie looks like underneath the outfit, pull this one up. Start watching our show on YouTube because she is a fucking Adonis. She has got just, it's just perfectly proportioned body. The legs are to dream. You dream about these kinds of legs.

Anachronism. Go ahead. There you go. I had to Google it. I wish I could take credit for that. She says, what are you smiling about? The legs you dream about.

I'm listening. What are you smiling about, dear? And he says, oh, a funny thought just crossed my mind. I can't believe I'm not back home at my desk instead i'm half asleep on a beach in hawaii and i just think to myself you're sitting next to a 10 you're in hawaii and you're thinking about work a job that is thankless that you suck at that you don't want to be there and now now you're going to take your week off and think about it while she sits there unfucked all day.

And she has, she doesn't even have a book in her hands. She's just sitting there. Yep. Available to him, open to him. Oh, to be on vacation in Hawaii with Blondie right now,

animate me. You know what? Animate me. You know what? Animate me. Take me out of this life, and don't tell my wife I've said this, and put me into that world. I will kill Dagwood with a baseball bat, slowly.

Bury him in the backyard. Court Blondie, make her mine, and live happily ever... I'll even work that shit job how how far off do you think we are from making that possible like you enter a matrix of sorts some vr simulation where it's incredibly real and you go to haw to Hawaii and you see those two and you can have your way with both of them. Right. Closer than we think.

I would say seven years. Seven years from now. That's a little close. Okay. You got to hang on for that. Is it weird that I've jerked off to Blondie? So I guess you're a similar, you don't need anymore.

What do you thought of? You already got it. All right, folks. Once again, Sunday papers has been brought to you by the fine folks at Sunday support. Our sponsors, which supports us,

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Also, we want to thank the fine people at Midcoast Media, Beth Hoops, Chris Denman. Thanks for doing a great job. Mike, let me know if you're going to make it for dessert tomorrow night for Easter.

Sounds good. Yeah. Happy Easter. Is Pete there with both girls? He's got both girls. They'd love to see your girls, I'm sure. When does Sophie get back?

Oh, no, not till Wednesday or Thursday. It was a long trip there, yeah. Yeah, nice. All righty. All right, man, we'll see you later. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Sunday Papers

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