Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 58 4/11/21

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

It’s Mike’s birthday and he celebrates by sitting alone in a closet and laughing at a man (not in FLA!) who molested an Elmo doll. NSFW. May not be safe for home either.    

I love to wake up to Sunday Papers. To Greg and Mike, I must be true. No other part of paper would do. You're the one that I want. You are the one I want. Sunday Papers. Read all about it! Read all about it!

Sunday Papers! Flop it on your doorstep. You got a morning erection. You're a little hungover from last night. But it's time to read the paper. With Greg and Mike. So soothing. Hey, Mike.

Hey. Happy birthday. Oh, man. We're going to pretend it's tomorrow? Well, we're recording this on Saturday, as you know, because our crack editing crew in St. Louis has to edit it overnight. All night they stay up. It's tough when we have no – should the listeners – hey, listeners.

Should the listeners know there's zero edits in this? We never edit. We never take anything out. I mean, it's probably abundantly clear, actually. We never add. I mean, if we did, why would we have left all that shit in there? The only thing we do is add the laugh track. Everything else is exactly as is.

Yeah, it's like MASH. It doesn't seem like there should be a laugh track, but it works. It's a little invisible. I have this vision of going into the comedy store one night and you know, they've got a sound guy and have him after I do each joke, just put a very low laugh track in almost like, so the audience can't notice it. But then throughout my set, the laugh track keeps building and building. Then it's like applause breaks. I would totally do that. Do that. What did I watch recently? There was another one where it's like applause breaks. I would totally do that. Do that.

What did I watch recently? There was another one where it's like, oh, this doesn't make sense. I think I watched a documentary on Monty Python. Didn't Monty Python have audience reactions? Yes. So that, like, they'd be outside. And they also did, Ali G used to do it for his TV show, his British show, and it sucked.

It ruined the show. But hold on. I think we might have gotten bastardized versions of that because I think he had a Chappelle type presentation where I think there might have been a little audience. I could be wrong, but the Chappelle's model was

he comes out, live audience, and kind of does stand-up-y intro and outros of the clips. So that explained, because he'd be like, here it is, and you know an audience in a theater was watching the sketches. I know, but I always hated that. I always thought that anytime you hear an audience like that, it's like they're talking down to you.

They're saying, here's where you laugh stupid yeah i need that i especially need with a lot of the shit i'm watching lately uh please tell me where the joke was ah there it is thank you it's kind of like big bang theory with their laugh track if anyone hasn't seen that just youtube big bang theory laughs and the first one that was ever done is they some guy just stripped with their laugh track. If anyone hasn't seen that, just YouTube, Big Bang Theory laughs. And the first one that was ever done is some guy just stripped the laughs out. And it is alarming. Yeah, I saw it.

It's insane. And then people then got creative and put really funny. One is just Ricky Gervais in all the places where there should be laughs on the Big Bang Theory. And then there's then I think people put like animal noises and all that shit, too.

But it's it's it's crazy how artificial it all is. That being said, if you can have any job in Hollywood as a writer, you want to be on one of those multicam sitcoms with the studio audience because it's just you can't fail. You just, you know, you stand around. I did it. I did it. And I failed. Go ahead. I'm listening. Well, yeah, yours was a, yours was a certain situation. You worked long hours. I just mean the hours. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, a lot of them. It's tough. Well, we did 22, man. It's just too much. You wonder why the quality goes down it's like they added like nine more and under such a crunch and you're like

all right i mean what are your favorite shows it's probably a 10 episode series six episodes right there's remarkable exceptions like the office you know what i mean i uh but it's a total exception modern family i would put up there. Well, you know, Modern Family, I don't know that much about it. I actually was just on a call with one of the creators on a Zoom, and I didn't dare bring it up. But Levitan and- Which guy? Levitan. Oh, I was on with the other guy. Yeah. and what's his name? From Frasier, right? No. Charles, right?

I forget. Is it Charles? I did some internet game show with him. Oh. Well, we'll look it up right now. Anyway, what happened over there, and this is not fact. This is me based on what I think I remember. They are not on speaking terms anymore.

No, and it's been that way for years. And again, part of this might be true. So just take this with a grain of salt. But what I have heard is not on speaking terms anymore. And that essentially there are two writers rooms and they alternate shows. Okay. Well, they might have stumbled upon an amazing, first of all, that competition has to be cool. Someone has to be coordinating a little because you're picking

up on story arcs and all that stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Uh, are you looking up who it is? Yeah, it was, uh, Danny Zucker. Oh, okay. That's not who i was thinking of uh what are we doing modern family um no it's created by two guys though i thought yeah lloyd christopher lloyd and steve and steve levitan neither of which is gay by the way so that show would never happen today and eric stone street who plays the homosexual not in fact uh a uh a same-sex lover oh that's what you're calling him and levitan yeah and lloyd from frazier uh christopher lloyd stephen lloyd well there's two they're brothers get out of here yeah no no they are stephen lloyd came and helped me on my pilot uh super funny guy and he was a writer over there, but Christopher was the creator

with Levitan. Wow. That show, I told you, I was, I was writing a pilot and my girls found that show and I watched the, uh, I watched that, that pilot and that's something you shouldn't do. Like, I just was like, I'm throwing mine out. like it's so unbelievably good yeah you just can't do that to yourself like I don't know the comparison if you're right I got an I auditioned for the role of the lead guy the young guy what's his name Terrell Terrell Burrell yeah oh wait Ty Burrell yeah Ty Burrell I auditioned for that part. I got called back twice, read for the producers, bummed out that I didn't get it, saw the pilot, and I went, holy shit, was I out of my league.

That guy took that role, and he added eight fucking layers to it. He's unbelievable. He is phenomenal. So we were launching Lopez Tonight, George Lopez's late night show. And you do test shows that you record. You have to go through the drill as if they aired that night. And then you take them so seriously because they actually will become maybe a backup in case the satellite goes down one night or something, especially early on when you don't

have backups. And so he was a nobody. And, but all the writers had seen that pilot and word spread so fast on him. He's amazing. Yeah. Did you ever see his, did you ever see his video where he played the sports rant writer? No. Oh, it's on Funny or Die, I think. So he's like, yeah, I wrote that one. And then all of a sudden you see Tyson like, I'm going to fuck you, you bitch, and all that. He's like, you know, I put that in.

I put the bitch, I'm going to make you my bitch. I thought that was good. He delivered it perfectly. That's great. Oh, it's really, really funny. Yeah. But let's get back to your birthday. What do you got planned?

Did the girls give you anything for any presents? You got them this morning? Nope. Sophie came back. You know, we talked about that or her surf coach took them to Hawaii. She then had a really bad stomach, like disruptive on both ends that last day in Hawaii. And then luckily had an okay flight, but really hasn't been able to keep anything down. And she got back and then her doctor's like, yeah, have you tested for COVID? Which I didn't even think about. Anyway, she's, she's still waiting on one test. They're at, they're at Liz's, my ex. And, uh, but no, we'd see him tomorrow. One thing I thought of was one of these drive-ins in L.A., it might be the one at the Greek, you know, over by Griffith Park, is playing, the drive-in theater is playing Raising Arizona.

Oh, no shit. Which would be very much my type of birthday. Tonight? No, it would be tomorrow. Oh, right, today's Sunday. We're pretending it's Sunday. Yes, tonight. I'll go Oh, right, today's Sunday. We're pretending it's Sunday. Yes, tonight. I'll go.

All right, let's look into it. My favorite movie of all time. It's amazing. Did you see Kong vs. Godzilla or whatever, Godzilla vs. Kong? Why? What am I, nine? What do I live in, Ohio? Well, no, you're a fan of Asian hate.

I just thought you saw Kong. Oh, come on. You saw Kong just punch Godzilla out, and you're like, oh, man. Yeah. No, you go to a drive-in. I don't know. Maybe you take one and a half edibles, and you really enjoy these monsters fighting with a city at their feet. Speaking of edibles, can we talk about this fucking shit music you've been listening

to lately dude i'm on a fucking roll you get on our group text we have a couple group texts that we're on and you start promoting this band and i listened to it and i think i described it as your description can i read it yeah you're not so i'm going to put this in the not supportive category. First of all, let's talk about the band. They're amazing. There's no lyrics. How do you even pronounce the name? I don't like to.

I don't really like labels. So I like to refer. It's called Krongbin. I don't know if that's how you pronounce it. K-H-R-U-A-N-G-B-I-N. Okay. Keep in mind, I'm sure there's some listeners out there like, you fucking morons.

They've been around for three years. So I'm a little late to it, I think. By the way, when you see it, you're like, okay, they're from Finland, right? Yeah. They're from Houston. Yeah. And Houston has this big, the guy talks about it. They found each other, the bass and guitarists,

because he's into very international guitar. Yeah, he was really into Nustrat Ali Fatai, who's that Pakistani guitar player who's amazing. Look at you go. No, I was really into him when I was in college. Oh, look at you. He's really into this guitarist from the Congo. He's real.

If that's what you call it these days. Another guitarist from somewhere else in Africa and then Indonesia. So that's his thing. He's making these. It's just very mood music. And then so. Oh, yeah. Let me read your review, though.

OK. I write a nice thing someone recently turned me on to these guys mesmerizing if you're baked but also great background music for anything and then let's find your review of it you're like a lot to tackle here. Krongpin is pretentious from the name to the matching Bjork hairdos to the music you would hear at a Malibu trans Pilates class. Hard pass. And then I mentioned. I got angry that you made me listen to it. And then I got. And then I said I was extremely late to Rufus to Seoul. And you're like, you at least gave you like,

seems like good music to have sex to. And that Gubbins, the guy gives out all the passes to the vaccines and head of the, and head of minorities. You said Gubbins might have to swap out his ACDC back in black sex track. You know what? Also, I found a lot of this. Pink Floyd has a ton of like mood, ethereal music,

much of it without lyrics. Right. And I was going down that wormhole, and then you find like-minded music. without lyrics. Right. And I was going down that wormhole, and then you find like-minded music. It just is, it's super pretentious. But edibles are a big part of it.

It's super pretentious. And the girl playing bass, her bass lines are so rudimentary and boring. Oh, look at McCartney over here. Okay. How do you know what a rudimentary bass line is? I play bass, asshole. I played in a band. No, you didn't.

Yes, I played in a band in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade. Well, it's a bass drum band. There's only three instruments, three people. And the guitarist is like, he comes in and is kind of like the lyrics a little bit, but it's very much on the top. I don't know how to talk music, but he said it's not on the one. So take that for what it's worth. Yeah, okay.

It's great, though. I think they're amazing. All right, well, check it out, people, and let us know, fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Let us know what you think of that band. Does it make you angry? Okay, but wait. Set the mood. It's set and setting, man.

You got to be like, don't go to it so it can be the sole focus of your entertainment. That's not the idea. If I have to take drugs to enjoy music, I'll listen to fucking Terrapin Station. So now you're hitting them. I think the same thing about Grateful Dead. I like it whether I'm high or not. I, I'm the, I think the same thing about grateful that like, I like it whether I'm a, whether I'm high or not. No,

I love the dead. I'm just taking an easy shot at them. As long as we're talking about getting angry at your, uh, texts. Okay. You also wrote, and this is coming from a guy who has repeatedly mocked me for using puns.

Oh, all right. And I'm not a pun fan. I don't lean on puns. But when it's sitting there and there's a good one, I'll fucking take it. Well, that's the thing. Good one or not. Go ahead.

So we were discussing somebody had used mustard. What was the context of this? Oh, my God. That great historian woman in Maine, she wrote about the last day of the Civil War and how Grant had been up all night with a migraine. And then he got up because he heard Lee wanted to meet him. Which would become the surrender. Yeah. And he had an incredible migraine.

So he rubbed mustard leaves all over himself because apparently that was a cure all at that time. I don't know if it was mustard leaves, but then, you know, anyway, and I did Google it, which is what you're about to say. To look up is, you know, grant out of his mind because, you know, he's a world class drunk also. But like mustard seeds, though, do have an effect. I'd like you now, Mike Gibbons, to read your response to that. What was it, an email? I'll tell you what you wrote. I looked it up.

It's a thing, but you won't find it on the Mayo Clinic website because they are big mayo, not big mustard. And I had chills came across me as I thought about you publicly mocking me for using a pun and you drag that piece of shit out. It's meta, dude. Hey, bro, back off. That's a meta pun. It's so fucking bad. It's hysterical. But that's what puns are. They're they're meta. No, that's not true. People try to be all coy and fucking sly and smart with them.

Yeah. The Mayo Clinic, man, they're not going to give any cred to mustard. That one's never not going to get me. You're really relishing in this. I mean, it's like, all right. It's like the Cleveland Clinic, right? They're not going to talk about, now you got to find a disease with another city's name in it. Hold on. Chris Denman, our right-wing producer is now writing, I could never catch up. So now, is there a third-grade class that we can get on the Google Doc? He's forcing that catch-up in there. I don't know.

I bet he really relished that as he wrote it. I just said that, Mike. You said that? I literally – speaking of which, all right me i'm going to read a letter we don't normally do the letters this early but this is somebody addressing exactly that um where when did we first when did we first meet uh when it i finally i was gonna pitch you we just go into it straight face this week again.

How did we meet? It's like Joanne. So we got shit on because we did the same letter two weeks in a row. I did a split screen of your responses. It was amazing. A guy go online, go on my, probably my Instagram account. No, I don't know where he left it. TikTok. But I not only read the same letter, I did it with the same intonations at the same tempo. And we had almost the same answer to how did we meet. We did, right. Well, because we're telling the truth.

How did neither one of us remember that we had done it the week before? And the story included us not remember that when we had met. Well, I listen, I give you an out because you do three podcasts. I can't I mean, I have trouble keeping this one straight. So I have no idea. And obviously the reason your podcasts are good is because you take turns and you also divulge really personal things like all the time. So, yeah, I can't remember. I wouldn't. You get an out. I have no excuse. Well, this is a guy who wrote in which he was so dead on Scott. My pet name for Mike is Gib Van Winkle. He fucking wakes up 10 times during every show. That's a lot.

Wait, what? I wasn't listening. And 25 other variations of the above. As a listener, it's kind of fun. You never know when Mike is going to pounce on a topic. Hold on a minute. This fucking guy. Or lay so far back in the cut

that he is essentially walking in from the kitchen chomping on a carrot. Who's a lesbian? I like this guy. This guy's great. Yeah, he's a listener, boy. Yeah. All right.

Good review. I like that. Yeah, no, I occasionally, listen, I'm not great at listening to podcasts, and this one's no exception. Gib Van Winkle. That may come up again. That may haunt you a little bit.

That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. You know what else is pretty good? And I'm saying this from my heart. It's time to get your lawn in shape. The spring is here. And I know my lawn is sparse like my head.

Look at the top of my head. Little pieces growing up. Brown spots. Green. Little pieces growing up. Brown spots. Green. Little green. So right now, Sunday lawn care is an easy way for you to find out exactly the chemicals that you need to treat your lawn and make it everything that it can be. Show off to your neighbors. Let your grass be the one that's greener

that everybody's looking at. So all you have to do is get sunday.com, put in my home, and they have a lawn analysis tool. You put in where you live. They know what the soil's like in your area. They have an aerial snapshot of your house. They can tell you if your wife is cheating on you.

They have cameras everywhere. They tell you like you're not wiping right. They've got ingredients like, ready for this, seaweed, iron, and molasses. So it's all safe, safe for your pets. No mustard, huh? No mustard, Mike. Really works.

So let's Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit GetSunday.com slash papers to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash papers. Great gift. Support the sponsors. Support your lawn. Don't we have like Father's Day coming up and stuff? That would be such a great gift for Father's Day.

That's sometime in spring. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm doing it for my mom. Well, yeah, you're doing it for your mom's lawn. And literally, you can spend your whole day out there. This takes 15 minutes, and you're all set. Pre-mixed. You don't have to be some chemist to get it going.

Shout out to our song this week, Kevin O'Brien. Also goes by Kevin Keene. I think that's his stage name. He's from Ireland and he did a very fucking cool song. I loved it. Is it kind of like Kron Don or whatever band I'm into?

Yes, it was just like that. Music to put on black clothes and kill yourself too. That's it. Remember we play, this is a little name drop, but you know, we play volleyball all the time with Galifianakis.

Anyway, Galifianakis tries very hard with this very alternative music and stuff. But I remember like we're listening to, it was the most depressing thing. I'm like, Hey, I'm like, what is this mix called?

Last bath. And then we all riffed on Suicide Titles for his. It was so funny. Sharpened Razor? Like, what is this? Oh, my God. It was terrible. Also, our logo, which was really cool, is...

Wait, who did this logo? Let me find out. Yeah, give them credit. The logo was from... Hey, when you post a logo, post their name. Michael Solomon. It's the Wheel of Fortune one. Oh, yeah, yeah.

By the way, always looking for new ones. Send in your ideas for logos or songs, FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. They're funny. Two weeks running. We had no corrections whatsoever. And then this week, an onslaught. I don't know what happened to us.

All right. Well, I may have pent up, pent up demand. Shane says, Codependent No More was written by Melody Beattie, not Ann Beattie. Okay. Jim O'Brien said, Aaron and I, not me and Aaron.

Your dad didn't plagiarize your way into Boston University for nothing. Yeah, those can be, that one's correct. Those can be tricky, you know. A lot of people prefer to put the I, but when it's at the end of a sentence, because they think it sounds correct, but it's really the object, not the subject. Well, if it's yeah, if it's the object, which means it's ending with Aaron and me, it's always like you're supposed to take out the end. And however, it would be like it would be, you know, I was walking down, he was walking down the street with me,

not with I. Yeah, I mean, you could be a real douche about it because some of them sound better incorrect. Like, it's me. You know what I mean? Technically, it's I. No, it's not because it's the object. It's me.

No, it's after the, I'm going to try to remember this. I think it's after, is it an auxiliary verb? I probably got that wrong. But is, was, and all that, it's I. Like, that's why, this is she. That's why you do it that way, after is. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I love going around correcting all the kids and all the slang when they're like, it me. I'm like, it I, it I. Do you mean it I? I think you mean it I. I went to one of the worst. It I, it I. I went to one of the worst public schools in New York up until eighth grade.

Yeah. And then my parents sent me to an extremely challenging private school, one of the best private schools in the country. It is. And I had to start taking French, where they talked about pluperfect and past participle and tenses that I literally barely knew future and past. And I didn't know there was like four other tenses in English. And now I'm having to

learn different tenses in another language at the same time. So I got thrown out of French class about just past the halfway point where the teacher crunched the numbers and he said, it's numerically impossible for you to pass at this point. And so he threw me out of class. And so I just had that period free and so the the classroom was in a basement classroom with windows up high and i would walk past the window and just think could you do this today and i would fucking moon the which is spelled g-r-e-g-o-i-r-e and i used to write i used to sign everything greg wah with a w-a at the end which used to make spittle catch on his lip while he screamed at me and so i dove during the spring i jumped through

the window into the classroom with a t with a cape on and a T-shirt that said Super Greg Wah on it. And I got suspended. For that team spirit, for that school spirit. Come on. It sounds like the biggest nerd move ever. Well. Yeah. When in Rome.

I guess. It was a nerdy school. When in Rome. I guess. It was a nerdy school. When in Rome. It is a romance language. Jordan Fine says, hey, Greg, you called Blondie and Adonis, but Adonis only works for attractive men. So unless she's hiding a little something, you'd be incorrect. Yeah. I'm not fully on board, Jordan.

I've heard many things be called handsome. Blondie could be a handsome, handsome woman. Yes. Yeah. So, I mean, he is right about Adonis being a man. Well, we you know, we don't know how Adonis identified anymore. Would I have sex with Blondie if she had a penis, but I was animated? Does it cut me some slack? Have you found that? Well, you went out looking for same-sex sex. Is that what you call it? When you were in college. But remember, I don't know if you were this way, but I remember the scariest stories ever when you were, uh, uh, you know, a male teenager,

I'll speak for myself, were the prison rape stories. Like that's why you literally were scared straight because that's what prison was. And, and I remember you would hear stories and dudes, this is such a small minded, uh, thing I'm describing where you would be like, uh, I'd kill myself. I'd kill myself first night in prison if I knew I was getting raped the next day. It's like, really? You know, and as you get older, you're like, really? Like, so wait, you have to suck on some guy's penis or kill yourself.

And it would be like 10 out of 10. Kill myself. Kill myself. And now and now the same 10 guys would be like, yeah, obviously I would I would, you know, kiss the guy's penis. Yeah. Like that's not that. That's one of the few things in life that is a no brainer that switches to the opposite no brainer. There's not many things in life like that. Yeah, I think you change your standards when you go into a prison.

I think you got to just, which is an amazing thing about the human condition is like, I like even in the smallest degree in the past year, how I've changed my life in terms of like, you know, not going out to eat, not buying as many things, um, being happy to just be home, like how limited my life has become. But I would say I still have the possibility of being just as a, and the fact that I'm sucking dicks on the side, like has nothing to do with it. Oh, of course not.

It's just, it's a pandemic. Right. No. And all bets are off, but you know, some of this behavior will stay as you're saying, I think. My life is simplified in a really nice way. But I also think what was going on there was the group kind of I'm describing is either, you know, virgins or definitely has not had that much sex. So you're also vaulting this, you know, sexual experience. Like and, you know, by time you're, you know, over 30 or even later, you're just like, it's a human body rubbing parts. Like, what's the big deal?

What's so threatening here? I mean, as long as the guy was properly showered, you know, which I don't think during a violent encounter, a violent sexual encounter, you can ask about hygiene. You got to just go with wherever he's at. And to be clear, I am not, you know, minimizing rape. In a way, the conversation was more about that it was homosexual sex. Yes. But of course, rape, rape flavored it a little bit as it will. But no, it really was the, I guess by definition, it was rape because you were willing to kill yourself instead of have that sex. So clearly it wasn't consensual.

But really it was the idea of gay sex, you know, in prison versus killing yourself. Yeah, there's this, you know, Kael Gibran, the writer. Of course, Lebanese. Lebanese. So he wrote this, I read a bunch of his. You're going to get corrections on his name, I think. Khalil. Is it Khalil? Gibran. Gibran. I don't know. Gibranski. He had this story about these nuns that lived in the desert in a monastery, in a seminary, seminary, monastery. Sounds hot already. Convents. They live in a convent.

monastery? Sounds hot already. Convents? They live in a convent. And so some soldiers showed up, and they were going to rape all the nuns. And so the head nun said, here, let me give you, as a gift, because you're a brave warrior, this vest, you wear this vest and it protects you from ever getting killed. The sword cannot penetrate it. And he said, I don't believe that works. And she goes, look,

I'll put it on. Now take your, take your sword and stab me with it. And you'll see. And he stabbed it and went through the vest and it killed her. Did Khalil make this up? That's an amazing story. Yeah, he made it up.

I wonder if he did. That's pretty creative. Yeah. Huh. That's what she remembers? Because really it was a condom that broke, I think. Is this like your Silence of the Lambs metaphor thing? Yeah, this is her Freudian screen memory, which blocks the painful truth of having sex with a warrior.

Michael Zakara says, I don't know if this is a correction, but John Lennon was a pretty noteworthy assassination during both of your lives. I would say that's not an assassination because I looked up the definition and it said assassination is the murder of a prominent person or political figure by a surprise attack, usually for payments or political reasons. So I don't believe there was a political reason. I think that was the guy Sirhan Sirhan. Was that the guy who killed him? Chapman, moron. Oh, right. Mark David Chapman.

Don't mix up your assassins. That would be a good round in a game show is putting assassins together. All right. I'll give you the assassination. You give me the assassin. Was Chapman Jewish? Why does it have to be anti-Semitic? Oh, God.

I'm not being anti-Semitic at all. I was going to go, like, Jews don't score very high in the, like, you know, assassin category. I shouldn't say that. Ask Jesus Christ about that. God, ask Sadat. Was Sadat assassinated?

God, I'm fucking, I'm forgetting everything. But other than the Mideast, I'm talking about in America. All right. Robert Kennedy, who killed him. Wasn't that Sirhan Sirhan? I think it was. Yeah.

Martin Luther King. Yeah, I'm forgetting. Went to jail. They caught him. God, I'm forgetting. Went to jail. They caught him. God, I'm a little slow today. I shouldn't. Obviously, we should all know that. Happened on April 4th, Memphis.

I know a lot about it. Okay, what now? Who shot Reagan? By the way, who was standing next to MLK when he got shot? Jesse Jackson. You're right. Who shot Ronald Reagan? I forget.

Was it Hinkley? I think it was Hinkley. No, was it? All right. Well, boy, we're really opening ourselves up. See, it's a good game. Corrections and clarifications. Chris is looking these up. He wrote, yes.? All right. Well, boy, we're really opening ourselves up. See, it's a good game. Corrections and clarifications. Chris is looking these up.

He wrote, yes. Thanks, Chris. I just gave him four fucking options. Yeah, Hinkley is yes. Why doesn't Chris just turn around and look at all the pictures on his wall? All the Democrats with X's over their heads. Let us know who's next. And then who?

She had a fun name. Who shot Gerald Ford? Oh, wasn't that Squeaky Fromm? No, that's a Manson gal. Ferguson? Patty Hearst? No. Sarah Jane Moore?

That's what he just typed. Sarah Jane Moore. I never heard that name before. All right. And Chris, will you double check Robert Kennedy with Sirhan Sirhan? But, you know. Imagine if he got knighted. Oh, the Sir Sir Sirhan Sirhan?

Yes. Or what if he transitioned? It would be Lady Sir Sir, sir, hands, sir. So what if he asked you to do something and you were like, sure, sir, hands, sir, hand. Yeah. What's your surname? I just gave you my surname. That's all I have is a surname.

See, what if he was like the Mayo Clinic? What if he was a really good shot and they called him Sure Hand, Sir Hand, Sir Hand? Oh, no. Yeah, Sir Hand, Sir Hand is correct. James Earl Ray. Yes, of course. Is that who killed London's King? Such a Southern-sounding name. It's always three names, isn't it?

Well, that's the old thing they like to say. John Wilkes Booth. It's always three names, isn't it? Well, that's the old thing they like to say. John Wilkes Booth. Have you ever heard the comparison between Lincoln's assassination and Kennedy's assassination? Yeah. The coincidences? Yeah, it was like the Ford Theater. One of them?

Go ahead. Lincoln, similar. Kennedy was in a Lincoln, right, when he got shot? Oh, I didn't know that. That's a good one. I think. There is also, all right, here we go. Oh, Greg's neighbor.

All right, this is live. All right, Lincoln and Kennedy both have seven letters. Both presidents were elected to Congress in 46 and later to the presidency in 60. Okay. Both lost a son while living in the White House. Both were shot in the presence of their wives. Both wives were fucking full-blown crazy.

Yeah, I said it. Both their assassins were born in 39 and known by their three names composed of 15 letters. Both ran from Ford's Theater. Booth ran from Ford's Theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from the Delaney Plaza warehouse and was caught in a theater. That's true. They painted that seat that they found him in. Both presidents were runners up for their party's nomination for vice president in 56. Both successors were Southern Democrats surnamed Johnson.

Both were born in 08, and their names contained six letters. The assassins were both Southerners. Well, there you go. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights and made their views strongly known in 63. Um, both presidents were shot in the head on a Friday and died at a nearby location. Wow.

Lincoln was shot at Ford's theater. Kennedy was shot in a Ford car, a Lincoln limousine. Oh, all right, there you go. So it's a double hit. Lincoln had a secretary

named Kennedy who told him not to go to Ford's Theater. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln whose nickname He just did her. whose husband

whose husband's nickname was Abe and she warned him not to go to Dallas. Really? I don't know about that. Both Oswald and Booth were assassinated before they could put on trial. Yeah.

Crazy, huh? That is a lot of coincidences right there. Oh, man. I don't. There was a slow news week. I got to give you credit that I know we're not even done with corrections, but maybe we shouldn't even do news. I kind of like this flow.

Are we done? Yeah, let's do a family circus and then go get some brunch. Oh, it's worth it. All right, what's this next one? You wanted me to follow up on the March Madness? I have the stats. Yeah, what do you got? We're jumping all over the place.

We're in sports. No, we're in letters. The next guy was going to wrote a letter about it. Oh, okay, good. Why don't you read that? We got a letter about Mike shorted every team during March Madness with his, who'd you bet against?

Every team? I bet against every team. No, but I mean, who'd you bet against? Every team? I bet against every team. No, but I mean, who was your bet with? Oh, Blake, a friend of mine, Blake, in Kansas. So, but even when two teams are playing, I'm technically betting against both of them, which I like that bet. By the way, speaking of you selling everything short, I talked to my broker yesterday.

He said for the next two to three years, there is going to be a run-up in the stock market fueled partly by inflation. He said the price of your house is going to go way up. Stocks are going to go way up. Bonds are going to tank. And cash is going to lose about 30% of its value. So if you've got money sitting in an account waiting, put it in some fucking stocks. Just get in an index fund.

Go to Vanguard. Pick a domestic blue chip stock and just leave it there for two years. Also called Vanguard. and just leave it there for two years. Also called Vanguard. Listen, I clearly don't know what I'm talking about in economics, but- You're always wrong. Not always, but hold on. That's the exact opposite rationale.

If inflation, is that what you're talking about, inflation? Inflation makes everything go up in value. Everyone is saying inflation is the only thing that can kill the stock market. Well, in some ways, yes. You'll take all your profits from the last 10 goddamn years and then put it in a 3% thing because it's going to be inflated to that. A 3% thing? Is that? A money market, whatever it is, inflation, like all of a sudden the interest rates go up

no but they're not going to go up because the government said they're going to keep interest rates down so there's been so much money poured into american accounts now that money's going to get spent plus he said there's been a pent up people haven't traveled they haven't bought things now they got money and that money is going to fly into the economy as well as well paying jobs. Your guy's a fucking idiot. Hey, everyone's going to travel to Brazil.

Couple specific top. Well, when we get to business, I'll go through this. Let's go to Michigan. All right. Anyway, the trends in the tournament. Listen to this man. The favorites were 31 to 30 against the spread. Wow, that's insane. And then the money line, the favorites were 39 to 19 outright.

I kind of almost don't know what that means. With one pick-em, blah, blah, blah. The total over-under, ta-da. 36 games went under while 25 games went over. And there was one push. There you go. So how much money did you win? I think, well, he wanted to go double or nothing on the finals oh was i i was with you during the finals right so okay let's say the over under was uh i think it was one let's say it was 149 all right um at one point like like basically in the the like the last quarter of the game like halfway through the

second half it was trending 20 points over. I had truly given up on it. You had thrown in the towel. You had given up. Oh, I wasn't even watching it anymore. You weren't even watching the game anymore. Yeah. And then just a complete slowdown in scoring, and I won the under in that game by three

points or something? Right. By three points, and you were lucky because the game was so obviously going to be lost that they didn't start fouling, which would have gone over. And you don't know where that is or, like, the coach's view on it. Also, they put the scrubs in, and some of these scrubs are going to chuck threes. That happened way too many times during this tournament.

Anyway, so that was – someone wrote that in, wrote those stats into us. So there you go. Oh, hey, guess what? Oh. A couple weeks, I'm going to Philadelphia to do stand-up comedy. Hey, that's a gamble. The 22nd through the 24th, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club in Philly. It is my second favorite club in the country.

It's a fucking great club. Dust off your racist humor. Philly eats that shit up. They do. They do. They're the worst. My opening line is always, it's like Ireland fucked Italy and Philly came out. Yeah.

And then Kansas City the following week, the 29th through May 1st, I will be in Kansas City at the, all tickets available at FitzDawg.com. Let's get to the front page, Mike. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Oh, already?

Well, for 45 minutes in. Oh, now I'm in Chrome. Oh, you know what's so weird, man? I just went, Chrome accidentally opened and there was a Sunday Papers in there with a crazy news story, and it turns out it was from September. All right. I'm back.

Good aside. What are we doing? New Zealand. I don't know. I put that story in there. Yeah, I don't get it. There's nothing there. Basically, though, just so people know,

interesting. I think this should be done in America, too. They're going to, it's a one-year experiment on a law that allows drug users to test for free

and without penalty the chemicals in the drugs they have. I don't understand that, though. What does that mean? Well, basically, it's like, you know, all these drugs that are just killing people

because fentanyl's in them, you can bring it in there. The testers will not call the police, and the drug users will not be thrown in jail. Oh, I see. And it's to tackle the endemic drug problem. That's a great idea. They took the idea from the Netherlands.

Yeah. But I'm sure it's not going to help the drug users' paranoia, though, when you're like, you sure I can bring this in here and not get busted? Yeah. Also, if it has fentanyl, do they tell you and give it back to you? Good point. Good point. Because you can still take fentanyl you just have to take less

if you're aware of it you'd be like please give it back so the biggest thing that was tested was uh if i'm recalling i forgot to write it down but mdma so ecstasy was the number one thing found which means it's the number one drug that was brought in also but there was dangerous mixes and you know what they found most were mixed with down there was bath salts. No shit. Really? Yeah. Damn. So if you want some good drugs that go to New Zealand, they have them.

Here's a story about Elmo. You know that cute little thing from Sesame Street, that cute little guy? I have to admit, he turns me on, and I might have done some. Anyway, read the story. A Michigan home inspector has been charged with criminal charges after he allegedly masturbated with an Elmo doll while on the job in a child's bedroom. I'm not alone. Kevin Wayne Van Leuven. There we go.

Three names. 59 was arraigned on charges of aggravated indecent exposure and malicious destruction of property under $200. Wait a minute. So if you jerk on things that are worth over $200, it's a felony? Yeah. Also, could it have been loving destruction, not malicious? Yeah. Also, couldn't it have been loving destruction, not malicious? And also, are we assuming Elmo can see and feel? He needs an exposure to a stuffed animal? Who exactly is the victim? You know what?

Maybe it was the guy's hand who was still in Elmo. Ah, yes. That could have been it with all the screams for help. And by the way, if you're going to jerk off to a Sesame Street character, jerk off on top of the grouch because he's already filthy. Nobody's even going to notice if there's some cum stains on him. Cookie Monster will gobble that shit up, right? Van Leuven, hired by homeowners

to inspect a home, was allowed into the house with the buyer as real estate agent by the owners. While she was out, one of the owners received a webcam alert that movement had been detected in the nursery. That's when she saw Van Leuven, she's calling Van Leuven,

masturbating. Yeah, I'd say. Van Leuven picked up the Elmo from the floor and appeared to pleasure himself with the doll. It should be fondle me, Elmo, not tickle me, Elmo. Violate me, Elmo. All right.

I mean, isn't the lead story here a potential pedophile? Because he's in a children's room? I don't know. You go in a children's, you go in a nursery and all of a sudden there's an erection so bad. I don't know how You go into children's, you go into nursery and all of a sudden there's an erection so bad. I don't know how this works, I imagine. But and then you have to satisfy yourself with a children's doll. Yeah. I don't I mean, I did. Do you think he put his hand in the Elmo doll and used it to pleasure himself or did he come on Elmo? I'm assuming that was the malicious destruction was the finishing on Elmo, I guess.

And by the way, he put him back on the shelf when he was done. At least take it with you. Take it with you. Yeah. It's like panties, right? You got to, they're yours now. Yes. I think, you know?

Yeah, you claim them. All right. Weird story. Weird story. Here's one about people who pray. Ooh, transition. We don't need them. The Supreme Court late Friday night lifted California's restrictions on religious gatherings in private homes,

saying they could not be enforced to bar prayer meetings, Bible study classes, and the like. The court's brief unsigned order followed earlier when striking down limits on attendance as houses of worship meant to combat the coronavirus. Look, are you really are you going to stop them from praying? You can't stop them from fucking little kids. Are you going to stop them from praying? All of a sudden, this is the one they take seriously. Yeah, right. Yeah. Right.

I know this is a big thing. Well, all of it is, right? I mean, so many places want prayer in schools still. Yeah, but this is like, once again, these are people that are purported to be moral and charitable and helping society. But it's very simple. Gatherings promote the spread of coronavirus.

And it's like, are you, do they feel, and I think they do. I think a lot of Christians feel like if they're praying and they're together, either they're not going to get it or if they do get it, it was God's will and they're going to heaven. I got to think otherwise, why the fuck are they doing it? Can't you pray on your own? It's a perfect storm of anti-science. You can't get more anti-science than a religious gathering during a pandemic. Right. Truly. You can't. Yep. It's like, no, no, no. We know scientists are saying we might catch the disease, but there's a guy in the sky and we just can't ignore him. Yeah.

Right. Idiots. Yeah. That's my religious toleration. You can do it. My grandmother 100% believed she was going to see my grandfather, which, by the way, I never really understood because he was a lunatic. But what am I going to do, take that away from her?

Like, that's such a nice thought. No, it's like, I forget who was doing a bit about this, about believing in God. Oh, Louis C.Kk does a bit about is like what's wrong with people being religious because you know what what if you're an atheist and you die and he acts out an atheist looking at god and going like oh yeah so i guess i'll just head over there and he's like but if you do pray, you go to heaven. And you know what? If you prayed your whole life, and in that second after you die,

you realize there's no heaven, you just go like, oh, well. You know? Yeah. I'm going to be in the dumpster. What's the difference? So it's a pretty good bet to just pray. We're going to lose. But according to Catholics, at least I can speak from that. God is such a dick. I'm not saying that. Right. But everything you've told me about this guy,

I mean, and all the, all the cliche, you know, Moses, kill your son, you know, and even fucking just letting his son be absolutely eviscerated. But, but I don't think that was Moses. I think that was Abraham. Oh, Abraham's with the son. Sorry. Sorry. Right. Yeah. God said, Abraham, kill me a son. Abraham said, what? You must be putting me on. That's a Dylan lyric to God. You must be putting me on. All right. So what should we call it? Whatchamacallit. But more than that, it's like, hell, which my teachers in Catholic school were really careful to define as, picture your worst experience ever and it lasting forever. Like, eternity in the worst human pain. You know how you guys don't want to go to jail? It's like going to jail it's like going to jail worse than you can even imagine like okay so i guess i don't even

have to try and so but and that and this is from a guy that uh forgives everybody but yeah you have to ask him like what a dick how about just forgive me yeah you know i'm flawed you fucking made me you asshole and you made me flawed. So now now the flawed guy, I have to ask you to forgive me. Yeah. Whatever. This is so well known. It's also like he's he's an insecure God who says the first commandment. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Why? What's this monogamous relationship? You're God. Why does my as a fucking as you know, as a little speck of dust on this planet, why does it matter that you're the first God to me?

That's like, that sounds like a share, like what she has in her contract when she books things, you know, that's in her rider. Right. Favored nation. I need green and M&Ms and I also, none of you can worship anyone but me. Ah, religion. Let's go local, Mike. Oh, uh-oh.

Pilot Project in California town is paying homeless residents to tidy up their living areas. I read about this. What? I read about this. The idea stemmed from Elk Grove, 15 miles from Sacramento. The number one complaint surrounding homelessness was the amount of trash. Quote, our public work staff were previously doing cleanups out at

encampment sites and spending a lot of time and money doing it. We distribute trash bags, go out every two weeks to pick up the trash, and if they have it bagged they're eligible for up to $20 in gift cards to a grocery store they can use the gift cards on anything but cigarettes and alcohol and we encourage them to buy more trash bags okay what do you think of this

people are going to hate it well it's one more step towards, you know, endorsing people living in tents on the streets and as opposed to, you know, but but it's like what you were talking about in Australia with the, you know, checking, checking the drugs to see if they're safe. It's like sometimes you just have to acknowledge that there's a social ill and that you're going to work on it in other ways. But in the meantime, let's do some pragmatic solutions. And, you know, them picking up their own shit off the ground, that's a huge thing. There's a lot of homeless people shitting on the street. It's kind of like the clean, you know, needle projects.

Right, right. Or the condom, the condom projects at schools boy was that controversial right um but now did you just allude to feces it doesn't mention that in the article but i mean i think that's one of the there's an app there's's an app in San Francisco where people list where there's human feces on the sidewalk so you don't step in it. Oh, I thought it was like a tourist app where you go see it. Because you're in there from Oklahoma. You haven't seen stuff like that. Right.

A fecal selfie. Yeah, you do a tour. Self-guided tour. Yeah. Boy, I don't know uh well listen i i pay my fucking lazy kids to clean their room i gave up yeah i'll literally go i'll give you ten dollars just just that closet the floor and you can't just throw it all in your laundry bag like you always do they're clean blah blah blah So I pay them to clean.

And basically, kids are homeless people. Without you, they're homeless people. You're just, you're lodging them. Totally. And the feces. Yeah. Speaking of gift cards, I want to thank you for, my birthday was last week, and you gave me a very nice card, which I didn't understand the joke. You didn't understand it?

It was a picture of a butterfly on the outside of the card. And then the message was, you're turning from a butterfly into a caterpillar. You magical creature. Yes, you're blossoming backwards into a caterpillar. You're doing the opposite of everybody's evolving. I thought it was a shot at my neck because my neck looks like a worm. Wow, you really, that's like when you have a hammer

and everything looks like a nail. I don't know what's going on there. But you gave me a gift card also, a $50 gift card, which I thought was very generous. You are welcome. To Borders Bookstore. Yep. So looking forward- Which is also affiliated with Walden Books. They're a giant-

Really? Book place, yes. And do you know just offhand where the locations are? Because I was going to head off today and pick up this John Irving book I've had my eye on. They were everywhere. I haven't checked in a while, so I wouldn't be the best source, but I mean, they're national, maybe even international. my eye on. They were everywhere. I haven't checked in a while, so I wouldn't be the best source, but I mean, they're national, maybe even international. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. It says borders. So I would imagine like they're over the border. Is that what they're saying? I think. And you know, Walden, phew, I think they're in Europe. Good. Well, thanks again. It was very nice of you.

You got it. Listen, it's only $50, so don't make too big a deal of it. Speaking of big deals, a Texas man's become the first person to run from Disneyland in California to Disney World in Florida. Oh, what a jolly guy. Texas man. We should have Texas. Fuck Florida.

We should go with Texas. Yeah, you're right. Texas, man. We should have Texas. Fuck Florida. We should go with Texas. Yeah, you're right. All right. Don Mucho, 59, said he began on February 1st, planned to complete it in 90 days, but the coronavirus led to some unexpected delays. The only one who hits delays when there's no traffic during a virus.

Right, right. The delay was he stopped at fucking McDonald's because he was raising awareness for type 1 diabetes. So he got to Disney World and they rewarded him. They gave him a hot dog, an Oreo smoothie.

Then he stood still online for two hours to sit in a teacup. The guy running for type 2 diabetes fucking trounced him. Got there a week ahead of him. Yeahacup. The guy running for type 2 diabetes fucking trounced him. Got there a week ahead of him. Yeah, right. The guy running for AIDS, he's still in New Mexico. What did that mean?

He's so tired. Oh, is that what the AIDS guy is? Maybe it's magic. Magic kept running with the AIDS. Did he have AIDS or HIV? HIV. We have to be careful with what we say. But magic with the HIV, I mean, oh, my God, how long is it now?

But I think we brought this up on another podcast, but it was like at the Dodger game, you know, like at the World Series, because he's, you know, in ownership now of the Dodgers. He's up there with no mask on. Oh, I know. And if you recall, you know, this is October, November ish, like it was the region. Yeah. So I wonder if he raised money. It says he rose raised awareness. I wonder if he raised money also. I always love the idea that I can't just go to my friends and go, hey, you know what I really care about?

I really care about childhood leukemia. Let's all chip in and give those kids some money so they can get treatment. No, doesn't work. You got to go, hey, I'm going to dance for three days. If I do that, will you give money to these sick kids? Hey, I'm going to, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to walk to San Francisco. Would that be enough to convince you that we should give some money to AIDS? I don't know.

Did you really do it? Because I'm not going to pay you. Yeah, right. I want video. Right. Unless you're in pain, I'm not feeling it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Unless you're in pain, I'm not feeling it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm with you. What's our horoscope? All the marathons. Whatever. When I did the marathon, everyone was like, however many dollars a mile and all that stuff. But you finished it, what, twice, right? I did, but I didn't raise. I don't think I did any of that charity stuff, I don't think.

Well, hopefully it wasn't based on your speed. I was, listen, let's be honest, I was raising awareness of myself. Hey, everybody, I ran 26.2 miles. Yeah. Horoscope. You ready? There it is. All right.

This is Saturdays. That's all we have because we don't have a time machine. So we're both Aries. And horoscope.com, I think that's where I got this, really wants us to change professions. Yeah, every week. I mean, every week. It's almost every, all right. Your skills with computers and other forms of technology should be growing rapidly. I hope we can barely record a Zoom. This will greatly increase your

efficiency with these tools and your marketability should you be thinking of changing careers or simply be looking for a new position? This would be a good day to get your resume up to date so you can act when you learn of a job that seems right for you. So I think we're in jobs that are wrong for us, according to the stars. Well, I've definitely increased my understanding of technology when it comes to looking for a new position. But that's porn. I don't know how that gets me another job. There you go.

Yeah. I don't know. All right. What's your favorite porn position? Usually on a park bench. Like, where do I watch it? I'm pro porn. Is that the position you're talking about? Do you know?

Like, what do you mean? Wait, what do you mean? You mean my search word? No. Like what missionary reverse cowgirl doggy? What's the position that you enjoy watching in porn? Oh, that I enjoy watching. I don't know. We, you know, last week we did too many anti-women stories. I mean, you know, people trust where we're coming from and, you know, telling stories about our daughters or whatever, but, you know, and criticizing them. This one seems a little dirty this episode so far, I have to say. All right, then let's go to entertainment.

this episode so far, I have to say. All right, then let's go to entertainment. But to answer your question, it's hand-holding. As long as there's a dick in her hand? Gregory. Oh. Amanda Gorman, you remember her from the inauguration. She made that beautiful... Not a good segue.

Go ahead, though. Oh, Jesus. If we edited the show, this is proof we don't. We would move this story further down. Right. She became a household name

after her powerful performance at Biden's inauguration. She's the poet laureate. Did you realize that? Well, I think youth. I think youth. What? I don't think she's the poet laureate. Did you realize that? Well, I think youth. I think youth. What? I don't think she's the poet laureate, including adults.

It says the poet laureate? I don't know if her metaphors are that tight yet. All right. But she went to New Roads, the school right here in Santa Monica. That's right. And she's been in high demand. She appeared on the Super Bowl magazine covers talk shows. Michelle Obama interviewed her. Even her school New Roads

is a metaphor. Can't escape it, man. But even with all her newfound fame, Gorman is keeping a sharp hold on her values. In a new interview with Vogue, the 23-year-old estimated she's turned down $17 million in endorsements because they didn't speak to the kind of content she wanted to align with. I bet she's doing the lawn care endorsement, though. Well, no, that's actually a respectable one. This isn't one of the weeks we're talking about chewing down boner pills. Yeah, come on now. Everyone's beautiful. I think that speaks to the kind of content I want to align with.

Yeah, 17. I wonder if she didn't mention which companies approached her. I wonder if she didn't mention which companies approached her. Because I know she grew up, I think she grew up economically challenged here in Los Angeles. And New Roads, which I happen to know personally, prides itself. They started, they were founded on why isn't there a private school in Los Angeles that's diverse and inclusive? And they were put on the map for that. And they rightfully brag. You know, they said an interesting thing. I don't think I said this on the podcast. They were talking about their diversity, right? But I think they're so bored of

flexing their legitimate inclusion and diversity that they have at this school, that they have at this school that they said another thing we're really proud about is we have 100 zip codes at this school. Damn. And that really blew my mind because they're like, they didn't say it this bluntly, but their point was, if you're Latino, let's say in LA, right? The problem is whites. That's the problem everywhere. let's face it. So let's say it's Latinos. Well, you know what? Like eight Latinos, 10 Latinos, whatever it is, from Santa Monica are still from Santa. They're all from Santa Monica. You know what I mean?

And there's a likeness there versus an East L.A. Latino versus, you know, anyway, 100 zip codes, geographical diversity, even within the same city. L.A. is arguably one of the largest cities on Earth, probably top five. Wow. I wonder what you think is in top five cities in the world. Top three. No, I would say Mexico's Mexico City is bigger, right? Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Less Mexicans. But I think Mexico City is bigger, right? Don't get me wrong, less Mexicans, but I think Mexico City is bigger. I think Tokyo is pretty big. Well, there's also how sprawling L.A. is.

There's very few cities that are that sprawling. Maybe our crack producer can look it up for us. I thought that was an interesting point regarding diversity. Is that where Martha works? Where? Anyway... Producer can look it up for us. I thought that was an interesting point regarding diversity, you know? And so she, I think... Is that where Martha works? Where? Yes, it is. It's a great school.

I had dinner with her last night and she was talking about... Well, I can't divulge what she said about the school, but it's a pretty amazing school. It sure is. And by the way, Chris has corrected us. This woman, Gorman, is the first ever National Youth Poet Laureate, the youngest inaugural poet in U.S. history. So I guess she is the Youth Poet Laureate. It's the same as the Adult Poet Laureate, except she uses the word like a lot more. And turns down endorsement money. Yeah, the adult one has been there, done that.

They're taking every edible, I just read edible on the next, they're taking every endorsement offered. Oh yeah, the thing is, if you're a race car driver, you're getting fucking gas know gas companies putting their name on your hood for a million dollars the money's flowing in when you're a poet and someone offers you money and you've been living in a fucking cold water flat in queens for the last

25 years you you will endorse lawn care products listen here i i wonder if there's ever been even a poet laureate who wasn't a professor i mean that's that's the you know that's which by the way it might also be a goal like it would be very you know you're in that academic world and also you know you're teaching future poets and all that but and i'm not knocking it i'm like like, I've told you, I'm looking into teaching, right? No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no money in it. I mean, slowly.

What'd you say? You won't make any money. That's too bad because I want to get into teaching for the money. All right, I got to rethink it. You're talking about college level or? Yeah, college level teaching comedy writing. Really?

I'll have you in there. You're going to speak to this imaginary class I have. Speak? I'm going to be going up against you for that job. I'm going to teach comedy writing. Right. First you get high, then you masturbate. Well, if they listen to this, maybe you...

Can we lock this down to members only and don't let any of the academic world take a little peek under the hood here. All right. Also, in entertainment, we always talk about what we've watched in the last week. Did we talk about did you watch the Tina Turner documentary? I didn't yet. I wanted to watch a few documentaries first because I just wanted to be fair. It's kind of like Woody and Mia. Yeah. Plus, if he finds out he's dead. Well, I know you you I read what I thought was the hysterical New York Post headline and you shamed me last week. Oh, right. Right. You said it was powerful.

It's very powerful. I've been on a big documentary kick lately. I watched another one called Time, which was about this woman, this incredible woman down in New Orleans who had a husband who they started their own store. The store was struggling. They're African-American. I can't. By the way, I'm sure all the listeners do i'm waiting for the first syllable the clue which ties in the word time let me guess it was a deli

and they had a time machine in the basement go ahead so they were having a hard time and oh there it is there you go and so he went out and he robbed a bank and he got caught. He didn't get time. He got sent to jail for 60 years. So meanwhile, they've got like five or six kids. And it's about this woman who manages to raise these kids. She moves to New Orleans because his prison is in louisiana visits him every week uh keeps the faith and fights to get him freed from this insanely

long prison sentence and uh i'm not gonna tell you how it ends but uh it's it's just about her her strength it's really it's a really powerful documentary. Highly recommend it. Wow. And then I watched one about, I think it's Netflix, has a bunch of documentaries about different albums. And I watched the one for Led Zeppelin IV, which is arguably top three rock albums of all time?

Depends who you ask. I mean, is Kardashian that band I'm into now? Are they part of the competition? Oh, definitely. Yeah, the voting takes place in an ashram. Is it a trans ashram? I don't know how the trans were collateral damage and you're a hit against this great band. Well, because it's the kind of band that you're not allowed to hate because they're international.

You mean like trans people. They've got a black drummer and a female bass player and a fucking long haired trans singer. Oh, they're good. They're good. He's got bangs. Led Zeppelin IV is, like, remarkable. It's remarkable, and it's also in the context of their career.

They were coming off of touring like fucking maniacs after the critics panned Led Zeppelin III, which I liked Led Zeppelin III, but it was a softer album. It was very acoustic. It's aged well, though, over time. And then they come back with Led Zeppelin IV with Black Dog as the first track,

and it was announcing, like, yeah, we're back to the hard stuff. And Rock and Roll, I think, was track two, maybe? Rock and Roll, where everybody just attacks their instruments at the same time it's insane it's really it really is well it's like i laugh now when i hear rock and roll like the other day some acdc song came on i should remember which it wasn't on it wasn't from back in black it was bon scott and it's just like god damn like if i was the engineer in there i'd be be like, these fucking, these brothers are lunatics. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, it's just like, it really is rock and roll. I mean, there's no other word really to describe it, but it's just fucking balls out. Right. And then, and then of course, Stairway to Heaven, which, you know, you can say it's overplayed or it's corny or it's trying too hard to be esoteric. Try turning it off. I swear to God to this day when it comes on, I still listen to stairway to heaven.

It's a fucking amazing song. I definitely don't listen to it anymore, but now, no, but I'm not knocking it. It's one of those things. I'll, I'll eventually come around and like,

haven't listened to it in like 15 years, kind of like I did with Freebird. And then I listened. I don't change the channel. I'm like, Jesus. It's one of those like art of the obvious things, which is like cliches are a cliche for a reason. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, it's always number one. Whenever they do the 500 greatest rock songs of all time, not always, but on WNEW in New York on Labor Day, they always did like the top 100 rock songs. They'd count down. And it was the, you know, the listeners would vote and it was always Stairway to Heaven is number one. Come on. All right. Listen, if you're a, oh, Jesus Christ. If you're, okay. If you're a listener out

there, and by the way, I need to broaden my horizons. Like I remember a writer once said, when you're ready, and I'm like, what do you mean I am ready? But they're like, I will give you the like primer for. Primer or primer? I know. I think it's primer. No, it's primer. You think primer?

I don't think primer. I know it's primer. You know a lot of pronunciation, which is wrong. Well, you don't even know how to say Krungbin, so. Well, Wu-Tang, did I say that right? So it was going to be Primer slash Primer. He goes, you got to be introduced to it the right way, which is kind of how I feel about it.

But that's how everyone feels about their band. I think there's a right way to start here in the clash. If you never heard him, same with Dylan, you know, but good Lord, this album, okay. Black dog, rock and roll. Everyone's heard there, but battle of Evermore stairway to heaven's track four, clocking it at eight minutes, two seconds, but Misty Mount up four, six, but here you go. The album ends with going to California and then when the levy breaks. Yeah. And I told you that time. The sound that John Bonham makes on those drums on when the levy breaks is just one of the most unique, memorable, iconic sounds in drum rock drum history so you

could google when the levy breaks and movie trailer i think and you'll find it but i remember so led zeppelin famously did not sell songs right they their songs never appeared and stuff and all that and then uh what's his name who did uh juire and almost famous, you know, like legendary. James Cameron? Not James Cameron. No, no, no, no, no, no. God damn it. This is the worst.

I know it's frustrating as a listener to listen to two. Fast Times at Ridgemont High guy? Of course. Yeah. So anyway, he, because of like almost famous where that was an amalgamation, I think, really of Led Zeppelin that the kid was traveling with. Cameron Crowe. Because Cameron Crowe, as a teenager, got in with Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin was always kind to him. He even wrote the liner notes on one of their box sets.

And so Cameron Crowe movies would have a Zeppelin song in them. Right. And Almost Famous has an amazing one. Anyway, I'm in a movie theater before, and Cameron Crowe is really the only one. I had Fast Times at Ridgemont High, plays Cashmere. Right, right, right. He even says, if you want to fool around with a girl, always make sure you put on Led Zeppelin 4, Side 2, or something. Which was inaccurate in all the Zeppelin nerds. Because it was physical graffiti, it had cashmere on it.

So I'm in a movie theater. It's some trailer for like a girl who's in an insane asylum or something like that. And she breaks out. Maybe she even has superpowers, whatever it is. But I'm just in the theater. And all of a sudden, like legendary pictures comes up at the beginning of a trailer. And you hear. And no joke me and like six other

guys in a theater were like whoa like no audibly audibly go no way and you just heard movie theater speakers and you know how loud the trailers are movie theater speakers cranking what the drums from when the levee breaks and you're're like, what the fuck is this? It was incredible. Wait, the trailer for what movie? I told you, you have to Google. I'll Google. You ready?

Here we go. Led Zeppelin. Let's see what comes up. And movie, trailer. It's called like The Asylum or some shit, I'm sure. Oh, I should do one. Sucker Punch? Yes.

Okay. Sucker Punch. We can't play it, right? No. It's crazy. Apparently he was in a drum well. Whatever. We're sounding like the oldest people ever.

I got to get into Wu-Tang. All right. You got to get into Wu-Tang. All right. You got to get into some Florida, man. Am I reading this? Why not? Well, because I'm on a page that's Googled Zeppelin versus. All right, here we go. Florida, man.

Oh, this fucking guy gets allegedly. All what's his name matt gets allegedly showed off to other lawmakers photos and videos this is kind of do we want to there's probably all a bunch of ass hurt listeners who will stop listening because we're criticizing a republican from flor who traveled a girl around for sex. Yeah. I just think it's funny. One of the videos that he showed the other lawmakers was a woman do naked hula hooping, who I guess he knew. It was a girl he was fucking, and he had her hula hoop naked. I took one topless picture of a girl in my life and I had to beg her. And meanwhile, this guy's got a girl.

How much do you want to see the nude hula hooping? That sounds fantastic. Yeah. Well, when you beg, was she awake when you begged her? The one you took a photo of? She was transitioning.

So she was excited about the, you know, the new developments oh wow all right what what is the nude activity you would most want to see yoga you volleyball you asked me this already are you gonna find different ways of asking me this question did we do this story last week no earlier said, what's my favorite position to look that I want to watch? What's your favorite activity? Yoga, volleyball, or gymnastics? If you had to watch nude versions of each of those.

I mean, gymnastics would be really funny. Yep. Especially male, the male vault. I mean, they don't leave much to the imagination. I think all of them are smashing their ovaries, and then they're delaying their period until they're 36 years old on the uneven bars. Right. I would say yoga, right, is sensual. Yeah, I think yoga would be the way to go. Right. I would say yoga, right, is sensual.

Yeah, I think yoga would be the way to go. Yeah. Also, women that do yoga might have the best bodies out there. If I was a single guy, Mike, I would be going to yoga classes three days a week. Oh, there's no- Showering, shaving. I mean, it's got to be the best place to meet women. There's no doubt that you would be the biggest creep, known as the biggest creep in town going to all the yoga classes.

No one's doubting you. Don't you think, though, if you went to the right yoga class and you just kind of chilled, you're not aggressive, but a lot of times everybody goes for a juice after class. People get to know each other. Maybe. Maybe. Because you're talking about people that, number one, their bodies are in great shape. Number two, they cared about themselves enough to take themselves to a class. And number three, there's like a serenity that comes with the practice.

With this view that you're sharing. Oh, because I'm creeping everybody out. Yeah. By the way, you're not going to yoga for any of those reasons. You just made that very clear. Yeah. I'm always the guy. You're not self-realized at all.

I go in the front row so when I'm doing a down dog, I can look down everybody's shirt behind me. That's sweet. All right. If they're all nude, are the volleyball players still wearing knee pads? Yes. Good question. That's a solid question right there. Even though they're on the sand.

All right, this is creepy. Let's move on to international. There you go. A Philippines man allegedly died after being forced to do 300 squats for breaking COVID-19 curfew rules. 28-year-old Darren Manwag Panadondo was out. Oh, 28? Yeah. He was out buying drinking water when he was apprehended by police.

He broke the strict 6 p.m. to 5 a.m. curfew. His partner, Reichli Balci, told media outlets that Peñon Dandando and other violators were forced to perform pumping exercises similar to squats as punishment for violating the regulations. Wow. Can you imagine doing so many squats that you died? Something's wrong. I'm not buying any of this stuff. No, no, no. That's a big thing in the Philippines.

When they catch people on the street, they beat them with sticks. They make them do push-ups. Now, it's been pretty well documented. Really? It's a big thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think his partner is a woman with that name? Reichlin?

R-E-I-C-H. R-E-I-C-H. All right, Reich, whatever. And then Elin, E-L-Y-N, if you spelled it correctly. I don't know that you were allowed to have a same-sex partner in Philippines. That's kind of where I was getting. I don't know that to be true at all. But I'm wondering if this was a little gay bashing i'm wondering if the police it says partner but i

yeah i don't know something's going on there i'm telling you hold on i looked up here's a on instagram i'm gonna look up and see if it's a he or a she. It's a she. Okay. Interesting. And she's smoking hot, by the way. Pumping exercises. All right. I'm not buying this story. Something's wrong.

I'm telling you, I keep reading about this happening. I've seen videos in the Philippines of them making people exercise when they catch them breaking curfew. 300 squats. I have done three sets of 10 squats, and my legs have ached for two days. You did it with weight, though, right? No, no, no. Oh, no. No, my son, I used to do these workouts with Owen because, you know,

he was a varsity soccer player. He's very athletic. And we had this whole setup in the back. I hung up a heavy bag and a chin-up bar. And we got all those rubber bands that you pull on and push-up handles, yoga mat. All right, we got it. Go ahead. Kettle bells.

Yep. So I would follow his workout. Medicine balls. I would be sore for fucking days every time i did his workout if you haven't done squats like occasionally i'll be like oh man i'm going skiing in a couple of weeks i better like i'm gonna blow out a knee the first day after the first day of squats holy hell yeah it's your hips everything they say it's the if you can do one exercise that's the one you you can do one exercise,

that's the one you should be doing. But then my chiropractor said I should absolutely never do them. I threw out my back doing it once. And he's like, you're not built for those. So, well, that's funny. So, uh. But I think he meant with weights.

I think I can do just standing squats. I mean, just to even sound older. Anyway, when I was in PT, a guy goes, all right, I'm going to teach you the greatest. It's called the greatest stretch in the world. I'm like, wait, according to you. And, uh, uh, some guy developed it, but it didn't, it's like a squat with a lean and then you like, it's like a three part stretch, but it, what it really does is it's a great warmup because it's sinking. Like, it's kind of like reminding your body how to move or whatever, but I will send it to you,

but it involves, I guess you would call it a lunge, which is a form of a squat, you know? Yeah. It's a safer, safer squat. It's the one leg out front, and then you put the elbow on the other side. But if you Google it, there are variations, but I do want to find it because it's very efficient. I think burpees also, if you, if you had to do one exercise, I would say burpees, especially with the pushup mixed in and a hop at the top. Well, that's what yoga is. It's like, how can basically, how can we stretch every part of the body? Right. Let's get, and then let's get a, a little cycle, a little routine. You know what I have learned though is, and the physical therapist told me this and he was actually, when he was telling me about this stretch, he goes, especially as you get older, but your whole life, you know, there's big pro and con arguments over if you want

to bench your high of all time, right? There there's huge debate over do you warm up or is that first burst uh and chris could probably talk to this right i think chris is lifted but like or do you everything every time he stands up he's pushing 250 like are your muscles stronger if they're not warmed up there's there's big debate on all these sides, right? But one thing the guy goes is, especially as you get older, you should at least give your muscles a little warning the movement you're going to make. Because let's say you're bench pressing. That's a coordination of like a lot of muscles that have to fire in order. And he's like, that's what I mean. And he's like, that's what I mean. So if you could even do just the bar, 45 pounds, just to show,

like tell your body, Hey, this is what's coming, but there's going to be a shit ton more weight. You know what I mean? Yeah. Hey, look at that. How to do the world. It's called the world's greatest stretch. Step forward with your left leg and lower your body into a lunge. As you go down, place your right hand on the floor so it's even with your left foot. Now move your left elbow, I'm already lost, inside your left foot and rest it on the floor. That's fucking stretching. And then move your left hand outside your left foot and twist to reach for the sky. Yeah, this is all just yoga. to reach for the sky. Yeah, this is all just yoga.

By the way, if you're ready, man, whenever you're ready, I do a yoga class every Sunday morning on the beach, literally 200 yards from your house. I'm doing it. You know I'm coming back, right? I already started working out a little and it's too soon.

I have three more days of Accutane, which I don't think I've shared on this. It's been fucking torture and my body is a wreck. I have to get out of it. Anyway, I'm not going to. So what she's told me, do not work out. You'll definitely hurt yourself at this point.

But anyway, it starts to, my body starts to come back like within a week, I think. I love it. So I'll do yoga. There were a woman from the UK named Rebecca Roberts experienced the extremely unusual phenomenon of getting impregnated while already carrying, leading to the birth of twins conceived three weeks apart but born on the same day. Wait, she added a twin to her stomach? I guess by definition it would have to be. It's like when you make fried eggs and you crack one into the pan, but then it takes you 40 seconds to get that second egg cracked into the pan. But you don't take them off at different times.

You take them off at the same time. I didn't know you went to medical school. The incident was caused by a rare case... Clearly they're fraternal, fraternal twins. The incident was caused by a rare case where the body of a pregnant woman fails to perform a number of biological processes meant to stop her from getting pregnant again.

Yeah, like, honey, stop fucking me, I'm pregnant. Yeah, like, keep it in your pants. Jesus. One time I went to visit my, like keep it in your pants. Jesus. One time I went to visit my friend Chris. This is a long time ago. And his wife was pregnant with their first baby, and she was due like the next week. And me and Aaron went to their house to meet them,

and I guess we were early. And as we walked up to their door, we walked past their bedroom window where we could see them fucking missionary style with their huge belly sticking out. It was awesome. What do you mean sticking out if they're missionary? Well, he was on top of her.

Laying on top of her. Yeah, missionary style. So no belly sticking out. What do you mean? First of all, how long do you guys hang at the window? Not that long. I mean, that's the question I should ask you. When you're looking in windows, what position do you most like to watch?

I like doggy style when they're faced away from me so they can't see me hanging in the tree. And you're doing a downward dog looking through your legs at them just to keep it normal for you. So anyway. This is a dirty, dirty podcast. I know. Let's get to sports.

Let's clean it up. Okay, the Masters, there's a guy, Siwoo Kim, the South Korean, who was placed in the top ten on the second day of the Masters. So he slammed, I didn't see this, he slammed his putter headfirst into the ground in anger, and he broke it in the process so he's the 49th player in the world he also threw his golf ball in the water this is not the stereotypical like asian restraint easy no what do you mean but you can't say anything about asian people right now oh i can't throw them a compliment that they're even like temper or at least they appear that way

or they have self-control sorry no you can't you can't give any a compliment that they're even like temper, or at least they appear that way, or they have self-control. Sorry. No, you can't. You can't give any attributes to any race, good or bad, anymore. Oh, my God. None of them have anything in common. How am I going to do that as an Irish person? All right.

As a result, on the biggest stage in golf and still in the hunt for the coveted green jacket, Kim was forced to putt the rest of the round using his three wood. And he did all right. No shit. That's awesome. I wonder if they're going to charge him a fine for doing that. Sometimes they levy a fine for not being a gentleman the entire time.

fine for not being a gentleman the entire time. Well, in tennis, it's, you know, racket abuse or whatever it is. And there are there. Well, there's penalties. I don't know if there's fines. I guess maybe if you get a couple of them, but they dock points eventually. First, you get a warning, I think. Right. McEnroe used to.

He destroyed his putter. And then I heard he also wrecked his bumper when he was leaving the parking lot later. Okay. All right. Feels weird having gotten a lecture from the mouth that just delivered that joke, but okay. Should we move on to science? Let's do science. You going to crinkle the fucking paper or what?

Neuralink, the brain implant startup founded by Elon Musk, has unveiled a new video. Oh, my God. All right. We're just moving too fast as a world. It's unveiled a new video of a nine-year-old monkey named Pager playing the video game Pong dot, dot, dot with his brain. Pager has two Neuralink devices implanted in his brain. Musk claims the devices would allow someone with paralysis to use a smartphone with their mind faster than someone using thumbs. So here's, I had to read this article twice before I could completely digest it. What's interesting to me is the little teaser video that shows what the goal of this thing is going to be. So the goal is I can't move my limbs, but now with the chip,

I am able with brainwaves to communicate and have a machine, a robot do something for me, like kind of like moving the pong thing. So I can now text you because I guess maybe I can look at the letters. I think that already exists out, by the way, they could tell what letters you're looking at. I think, I think people already have that, but you could, I guess you can think I want to go to the store at two and that's what we'll type out. I'm imagining it's something like that. Right. But. But the teaser is you put these chips in a monkey, but the monkey's playing pong. It's like, I think those should be reversed. I think that's way more impressive than a human in a chair

communicating with his things. First of all, forget the brain thing. Can you teach a monkey to play pong with a joystick? I'd even be more impressed with that. Yeah, that's a good question. A monkey understands that this dot, first of all, who knows what they're even seeing. You know, like, I think different eyes have different frame rates and stuff. That's why animals can see in the dark and, you know, they can see heat.

Like, I don't know man i'm i'm blown away by the monkey playing pong yeah that is pretty impressive get the handicapped person yeah wrong word of course i wonder if they're good like i wonder if he could beat a human at at pong right i don't know or like a code of war or whatever. I can't even think of a war video game, whatever they are. I'm so unadvanced with, I literally stopped with those Atari games.

Pong was, I think the very first video game. I got into some VR ones, but not any of the like call of duty or any of that crap. Like, Oh yeah. You got that VR thing. You had that, you had that thing six or seven years ago. You were way any of the Call of Duty or any of that crap. Oh yeah, you got that VR thing. You had that thing six or seven

years ago. You were way ahead of the curve. It was wild. It was really, because they came to work and they did a presentation on it. But you're climbing Everest and all this stuff. It was pretty amazing. So anyway, yeah man, this monkey's playing Pong. Wildly impressive.

So what they did is, first it had a joystick, and also, of course, it had a tube that was giving the monkey banana. So the monkey was sticking around and was motivated and incentivized and rewarded to play pong. And then I guess the experiment slowly took the joystick away, but the monkey, I guess, had gotten the concept of Pong and then was playing it with its mind.

Damn. Yeah. Our producer, who, you know, as we're standing here saying this podcast is too dirty, writes, how long until it evolves to visit Pornhub? I don't know, Chris. How long does it evolve until you realize that we're trying to change the tone of the podcast? Pong started in 1958, he wrote. I had no idea.

I remember playing it on the computer in high school in 1980. I remember playing it on a computer, but it was like using the Control-A and S keys. Yep. Yeah. It was the first one in bars, though, like the ba-doop, ba-doop, da-boop, you know? Yeah, right. It was the first, like, video, you know, I guess the first leap beyond pinball machines. Yeah.

Let's do some business, Mike. Oh, God. Bitcoin. We always track Bitcoin for you. It's been pretty flat the last month, hovering around 60,000. And if we go to our Investopedia contest, which wraps up on July 14th.

Oh, we have a new leader? No, same leader. This guy, Nick Allen's still up. He's up to 200. He's down. He had a down week, lost about 10 grand. He's at 229,000. And our loser is still our loser.

Fitter 111 is down to 97,000. No, no. No, he's down to 30,500. I'm at 97,000. No, no. No, he's down to 30,500. I'm at 97,000, starting with 100. But I got some stock tips for my broker. You're going to see some big changes in my account.

That idiot. What's my daughter at? I couldn't find it. Oh. Because it's like 370 people now. I couldn't find her. I. Because it's like 370 people now. I couldn't find her. I don't have all day. I was going to get in this week.

That's true. Like I promised I would. Yeah, get in this week and I'm going to make my changes. And I sensed it wasn't going to tank this week. I'm only interested right before the tank. I think it had a solid week. I think S&P was up this week. Yeah, so I'm going to short.

I'm going to go in on my shorts this week, i think um the companies that my broker said are going up first of all he told me tesla's going up this is the same broker i called a year ago and i said i want to get into tesla i'm hearing tips he talked me out of it he said that their production is too slow they owe too much money all this shit tesla i would have made 10 times my money if I put it. So now he's telling me, oh, I got a good tip. Tesla. Oh, really? That's fantastic. Should I also try to fuck Lonnie Anderson now?

Greg, I just told you they got up to the mines at Tesla have a chimp playing pong for Christ's sake. That's right. Ford. He said buy Ford. Buy Southwest Airlines. And then there's another stock. All right. Olivia. XPEV, which is a 3D system, which is going to take off.

Is that Chris moving his cursor? So what does that mean next to my daughter's name? It says 11.500. Maybe she's got 115,000, maybe. That's the oddest way to write 115,000 ever. I think QAnon moves the period over. Dot space 500. I did not write that. Okay. I guess it was already there. There it is. Can he look it up?

Can you look up Olivia G? I think it would take a little while. I can't wait to, like, trash her in this game. And she loses everything. It's a win-win. I just need the market to tank. Waiting 11 years all right this day in history we talked about him earlier robert allen zimmerman who knows

how many other men arrived in new york city in the winter of 1961 looking like James Dean. I didn't know this was the dis day in history today. And talking like Jack Kerouac. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why is it this day in history? Did you put it in there? I did, but... So the liner notes... He got his first gig in New York City this day in history.

He opened for John Lee Hooker at Gertie's Folk City. Yeah, that was the reason he went. Woody Guthrie was dying in a New Jersey hospital and he went there and he visited and song to Woody, which he wrote for Woody Guthrie was on his first album. And it was the, one of the only originals, uh, cause Bob Dylan's first album had a lot of covers.

Yeah. Might it have been his only original? Uh, I used to know that stuff. Uh, but anyway, yeah. And then,

you know, he was talking about ahead of his time in every single way, but he was so bored with the press and hated the press that he would make up a different origin story because everyone like when Hammond signed him, who Hammond was this legend, you know, with the organ. Huh? Is that the guy who made that organ? No. Wrong guy. But famously, like Aretha Franklin and just, you know, I mean, think Billie Holiday. Anyway, he was a legend and was known for his taste and that he could find these future legends. Anyway, they're like, whoa, where did you come from?

And he just would make up different stories, Dylan would, every time he talked to the press, that he was an orphan. That he rode the trains all around the West. Box cars all over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was, I kind of admire that about him. Yeah. And he talked about it. He wrote a verse about that first gig at Gertie's. After weeks and weeks of hanging around, I finally got a job in New York town. In a bigger place, bigger money too. Even joined a union and paid my dues.

We forgot to mention, by the way, as far as unions, that the Alabama Amazon voted down joining a union this week. Incredible to me. All the multinational corporations are consolidating, getting bigger, pushing down wages. How do you possibly vote down a union that can only help you? Oh, because I don't want to pay the dues. The dues aren't that much considering what they're going to make you.

It's so fucking short sighted. I hated reading that news. But I then so i have not read the story so i don't know the details but i do know that economically it did not make sense but i'm sure there's a real short-sighted thing going on there also i bet amazon sweeten the pot why wouldn't they do that in every location that's having having one of these, you know, pro-union movements? Why would they raise the pay? Why? You know, also they're competing against a minimum wage, which was like six seventy five an hour or something like that. Yeah, they were paying 15 bucks an hour plus benefits, which for Alabama is fantastic.

But all these all these Amazon outlets are talking about how bad the work conditions are. And the bottom line is a union is always going to benefit you, and Amazon is going to open in other places where $15 an hour isn't competitive. And the problem is that they got into their heads. They made mandatory meetings where you had to sit down and get, get these talks, these anti-union speeches. They put up signs, anti-union signs all over. They intimidated people. I'm just very pro-union. Anyway, whatever. People are going to fucking hate me talking about this.

whatever, people are going to fucking hate me talking about this. I know, but if you don't think, and again, it's a corporation, it's not a person, it will, it only cares, it's going to try to make the most money off of you as possible. Right. It's just, listen, we're in the Writers Guild, which my uncle used to make fun of as a union, because even in the Writers Guild, the standard contract, you can be fired every 13 weeks. And he's like, some union. I know. I know. But what I will say is to all these people who are like free market, free market, I'm like, okay, all right. So do you want to hear free market? Let's say when I was helping launch

James Corden's show, right? So that's a big deal. Here comes someone filling the 1230 slot. Right. You know, on CBS, it's a network. This is six years ago. And I go, the person who's telling me, let the free market. I'm like, well, I would have done really well. I mean like really well. Why? I'm like, well, I would have made my workers pay me, you know, using your free market. And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, what don't you get? I go, everyone wanted that job. And I could have asked him, how much would you pay to work for me? And I would have gotten paid.

And I could have taken the people that paid me the most. And he's like, what I'm like, no, I had to hire seven or eight writers. All of them would have paid me to work there to get their start. Right. And I'm like, that's cool, right? Free market. Yeah. And he was just confused and didn't even know how to talk about it. I'm like, you fucking asshole.

I'm like, what do you think the dock workers? They were lined up like crazy. If they had said, put a week in for free, and then we'll see about giving you a paid gig. They would have had no choice. Oh, no. There's tons of jobs where people pay for the ability to work. It happens. Strippers. Yeah. Yeah. No. I mean, look, I was raised in a union home. My father was in the radio union. It's a lot of service industry.

Yeah. My mom lived off of his union pension after he died at a young age. And I've paid my health insurance with union wages for the last 20 years. I'll have a little pension so I don't have to of his union pension after he died at a young age. And I've paid my health insurance with union wages for the last 20 years. I'll have a little pension so I don't have to eat fucking cat food when I'm older. And they've protected me and I've struck. I've walked the picket line twice for the Writers Guild, proudly.

You know, it's the only thing we have against big business is the unions. And they're broken. They need to be fixed. But a broken union is better than no fucking union. Are there overreaches? big business is the unions and and they're broken they need to be fixed but they're still a broken union is better than no fucking union are there are there overreaches yes even my uncle would talk about it like he worked with union guys and he was a steam fitter so he's welding but um he would come in a room and if he like let's say he moved something like let's say he

moved a pipe or whatever was there'd be another union guy who would take that literally that, and I'm, I'm now just, I'm ruining this story and I don't have all the exact terminology, but it was something like his work environment had changed. He could stop, he could put down his hammer and stop working and walk out. And my uncle would just be like, you're fucking giving us a bad name here. Right. Exactly. You know what I mean? And so, you know, sometimes the rules are, you know, there's overreaches. And if you take it by the letter of the law and not use common sense approach to it, and there are abuses, of course, but it's what you said.

And there are abuses, of course, but it's what you said. Yeah. There's a lot of propaganda. This country is very caught up in voting against themselves and acting and supporting big business because they think it's going to trickle down to them. Guess what? It doesn't trickle down. That's crazy.

Celebrity deaths, the obituary section and that's all folks quick shout out to dmx who was uh he beatboxed before for other rappers before writing his own lyrics we got put out on ll cool's album, which kind of launched him. Had a contract with Def Jam Records and blew up. Five number one hits. He was an actor. He was in Belly, Romeo Must Die, Exit Wounds, a bunch of movies. But he also had a lot of legal troubles,

arrested a number of times and served several prison and jail sentences. As a rapper, you really need that. Reckless driving. I remember it happened in Westchester. He was on the Sawmill River Parkway. Really? Yep.

Resisting arrest, carjacking. Carjacking? Jesus. I didn't know he was in Newark. Drug possession, animal cruelty. No, really? Yeah. And then tax fraud. He really, really covered the spectrum. You want to dabble a little white collar crime in there also? Right.

So a lot of tributes came in for him. White collar crime. That's really what it is, white collar crime. They just change it to collar. White collar, that's a weird phrase. Yeah, and then blue collar. I guess work shirts used to be blue. Is that the idea?

Yeah, like Jay Leno. Denim. Wife beater crime. Beating your wife. Redneck. A lot of ways to describe workers. Wetneck. Very racist against Latinos.

Here's some letters. Is that different than redneck? You done? I bet redneck's racist. Of course it is, right? I guess so. I mean, they used to be called hillbillies. Then they became rednecks. and now they're called MAGA. Oh, boy. I'd be interested in the first use of redneck, like the first popular use of it. That would be interesting, I bet. Yeah.

It's probably like oil rig workers or something like that. I would think more of like cotton pickers. Hello? What? I thought the redneck police were breaking in. I'm thinking back to when there was black people picking cotton and white people picking cotton. I think those would be called rednecks.

This is where you saw white people picking cotton in your mind? Oh, they picked cotton. Oh, don't kid yourself. There was black people that were indentured servants. I mean, white people that were indentured servants. I mean, white people that were indentured servants. OK. Yeah. I mean, you're always you're always trying to say that blacks can't really own slavery, that whites went through it also, which I it's offensive. The Irish were there was a rumor that the Irish were held as slaves in the Caribbean. But the truth is they were indentured servants.

They were sent there to pay their freight to go west. And they were whipped and they were beaten and they were killed while they were picking. What did they pick in the Caribbean? Potatoes. Probably sugar. sugar. If you're a slave owner in the Caribbean and you need people out in that equator

sun all day and a fucking ship unloaded Irish people, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Right. I know. Alright, I gotta get lights because these fucking guys gotta pick at night. Yeah, and they're drunk at night. But you

know, but they did get their freedom. They earned their freedom as opposed to the slaves who were held forever. So a little different. Let's get to some letters. Oh, thank God. This woman named Joni. I seem to really have a crush on these guys. Oh, my God. Finally, a new woman. All right. I like it. Oh, wait, wait wait wait what joanne oh i misread it all right well it still feels good i gotta say uh this guy um this guy mark says hey greg when i was in college at rit i had to visit the campus doctor because I broke

out in hives. He was a very old, just as in response to my, I talked about the Boston University doctor and how old he was. He was a very old German guy that had the voice of General Burkhalter from Hogan's Heroes. There was a giant glass jar full of pills and he used a metal scoop and just put a fistful of pills into a small manila envelope it sounds like uh the chest the chest series where they had the uh sedatives for the girls oh right right he then it's uh he then instructed me on the dosage and he pronounced antihistamine as anti his time in very naz Nazi sinister a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. Well, which is it, Hogan's Heroes or Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Yeah, also, all of his Nazi references are comedies. What's that about? You know, you could just refer to Nazis. I know, there's been a lot of Nazi comedies. You go back to charlie chaplin did a bunch he used to do hitler impressions and and then you had um obviously mel brooks and then the italian benedito laffey all the timey whatever his name was doing the you know the concentration camp comedy. Which one?

This Beautiful Life or whatever it was called. Betty, you won the Oscar. Right, right. And then you had, I mean, Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Bastards had a big comic element to it. Well, I guess what's famous is a, you'll know this when I say it. A Jerry Lewis screenplay about the Holocaust. Right. Right. And people have gotten a copy of it and they have readings of it. And it's apparently this atrocious screenplay of like some type of court jester.

And it sounds like Benedito, whatever the fucking guy's name is. It sounds like his thing. Yeah. Like someone being funny in a concentration camp. Yeah, that Jerry Lewis thing was called The Day the Clown Cried. Oh. Everyone talks about the Jews and the Poles and the gypsies, but a lot of clowns were round up also.

That's right. Yeah. Then this guy, Jay Hutchinson, says, hey, Greg and Mike, big fan from north of Ireland. I'm sickened by the royal family talk on this week's episode. These people are from a line of the most despicable cunts to ever exist on the planet. All the media attention that balding cunt and his thick cunt of a wife are getting makes me sick. So please keep the royal family talk to at least a minimum, unless that old bag dies

and we can all celebrate by spitting on her grave. Fucking ghoul. Very close. Very close, Jack. That's right. By the way, Greg, if you book your family holiday to Ireland, I'd love to show you around. Yeah, this guy. Hey, kids, this is Jack. That's right. By the way, Greg, if you book your family holiday to Ireland, I'd love to show you around. Yeah, this guy. Hey, kids, this is Jack. He he says cunt every few seconds. Otherwise, he really knows his way around Belfast. Yeah.

He'll give you a very even sort of fair minded tour of Northern Ireland. Yeah. He's going to teach you how to throw rocks at some of the tanks. Well, Jack must be raising a glass to the death of Philip. Yeah, Philip died. He was 99. That's got to suck to die at 99. You almost fucking made it. I know, yeah.

I wonder if he knew he was 99 at the very end oh was he out of it well there's no telling yeah god i watched a little of the crown right he was very frustrated with his role right oh my god dude you only watched a little of the crown i hate to say it i fucking hate the british but at the same time i really love the crown yeah um no it's really good acting it's really good writing no it's very well done of course but so right he uh sacrificed a lot obviously he didn't like that role that's what i saw in the beginning like he was, was he almost out? Was that even like? Yeah, they almost divorced. He was a philanderer and, uh, he was drunk and he kind of abandoned her for a long time, but then he came around. Right. I mean, look, if you're going to marry into the

royal family, you got to understand what you're getting into. None of these people seem to get it. royal family. You got to understand what you're getting into. None of these people seem to get it. Oh, well, he was royalty, but it's also a little emasculated, right? He was like, you know, an aggro dude, but you know, you're a prince married to a queen. Right. Just by that, just by that definition. Yep. You know, and you don't succeed her. If she dies, the sons get in. Oh, totally. I wonder what becomes of him if she pre-deceased him. Well, he'd still be a prince, right? But his son is his king?

Yep. Yeah. Exactly. See, people thought we were like talking i i know shamefully little maybe not shame jack not shamefully these cunts oh boy i know but you still want to know about cunts so like uh yeah i guess his son now now he has to pledge allegiance to his son, the king. Yeah. When his wife dies. It's almost like he's a stepfather.

Yeah, you're always an outsider. When you're the prince, you're always an outsider. Yeah. That's not how a marriage should be. All right, let's get to the funnies. Oh, God. Hager the Horrible. And when I say horrible, I mean horrible.

Uh-oh. They are standing, him and his goofball friend are standing at the bottom of a tower. And he says to his friend, stop, I'll rescue Rapunzel. You can rescue Rip van winkle rip van winkle's beard is hanging down the tower with the idea that the dumb guy's gonna climb up that whereas hagger has chosen to climb up rapunzel's hair and then rape her hmm i mean why else would it be going up there? Well, without that little, like, you know, nice ending, it's very family circus-ish. Like, let's just, we know Rapunzel had a long beard.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. I like, you saved it for sure. I hope so. Yeah. The Lockhorn, you know. It's it's uneven.

You know, sometimes they put out like a five panel little on Sundays. They put out the five panel cartoon. And I would say this week there was only one that was really worth reading. She says to him, they're in a fight fight his arms are crossed she's pointing in his face i didn't marry you for your money leroy but i may divorce you for it that's nice there you go yeah um by the way i looked up below that paul mccartney and uh heather mills i still didn't find the explanation of why she got all that money on a four-year marriage. Yeah.

I don't even, was it even four years? But like, and some experts chiming in saying, yeah, that seemed low because it's so low in a portion to his money. Yeah.

I don't know. England's weird with finance. England, you know, the fucking tax rate for the top is like 90 it used to be that in the united states yeah that's right uh let's get down to the family circus mike this is truly i know i say this a lot but you tell me i'm just you know what without judgment i'm just gonna i'm just gonna do so the little fucker's in bed and the lights off so this artist it looks like he has a head of gray hair this guy doesn't know how to do this guy doesn't know how so maybe maybe this is actually

the best family circus ever now that that I'm looking at it, maybe the kid went to sleep and he slept for 60 years. And that's why he's asking his mom who's opened the door. She's still dressed and is holding like a kitchen towel. And he goes, did I have supper mommy? So that's the whole fucking thing. That's the whole thing.

Did I have supper mommy, which is like, uh, not even a placeholder. I don't even know what that is. But now that I see this fucker's gray hair, keep in mind, it's not like it's black and white or something.

He has a blue shirt on. Yeah. Maybe it's a little, maybe I've ripped van Winkle on the mind, but might he have been sleeping for a few decades and that's what's going on? I don't know, but the mother has this look of suicide emanating from her eyes. It's almost like the mother is not she's not in on it. She's not in on family circus. Everybody else is kind of in on the joke. They're all they're all it's very deadpan. It's not in on family circus. Everybody else is kind of in on the joke. They're all,

they're all, it's very deadpan. It's very deadpan, but somehow he, he was puts just a little bit of suicide on her face. Did I have supper? Mommy, my mommy, do I have that disease where I become an old man by 11? That's, that should be the caption. All right. What happened? My hands have spots on them and they're wrinkled. Yeah. And my hair is gray.

Yeah. Blondie's going to cheer us up. Dagwood, like the piece of shit loafer he is, is sitting on that blue chair with his feet up. Yeah, here we are again blondie comes in with a pea green mini skirt and a striped green shirt sleeveless her bosom protruding you can see side bosom in the second frame which i always respect she says the horizontal stripes are not slimming no no she looks a little thick. Including, no, I'm talking about her chest. Dear, didn't I ask you to fix the dishwasher while I was out?

And without even looking at her, he goes, oh, you were serious about that, honey? And she turns on him, squares off, hands on the hips, and she goes, Do you seriously think that you can make me think I wasn't serious about fixing the dishwasher? Final frame, him in a fucking apron scrubbing dishes. And he goes, I got to say, she did sound serious that time. Yeah, maybe you should listen the first time, Dagwood. What the fuck fuck what do you think the weekend is have you worked that hard because most of the strips are about you sleeping

at your desk at work you don't come home and fucking ignore this woman who asked so little of you i would have had that dishwasher out. I would have bought a new one. I would have done a fucking rack of dishes. Also, what's he doing in that last frame? He's not fixing the dishwasher. No, it doesn't even make sense. He's supposed to be fixing the dishwasher

and he's doing dishes. The word serious makes an appearance four times in almost as many sentences. Yeah, it's not the strongest one. It's not strong. It's not a good way to end Sunday papers, Mike. Why don't you tell a joke? A joke?

Yeah. Where did we just hear old jokes recently? I've been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, and they throw some in. What was one they just told no I think you were involved there was something recently where there were old jokes shit I'm the worst

and I'm always like I'm going to remember that well there was the moose cock one yeah the moose cock one is good especially if you give the punch line away in the describing of the joke. No, no, that's the setup. All right, do it. Oh, I'm going to slaughter it. Oh, I know where it was.

It was when we were doing Bert's podcast. Oh, right. We told some jokes. No. When does that come out, by the way? I think 2023. I'm pretty sure. We told some jokes. No. When does that come out, by the way? I think 2023. I'm pretty sure. He's stacked up.

So, I think it's an old, old joke where they're going to play Password, is it, or something like that? Like, I'm slaughtering it. I'm very tired. With the queen. I think it's the queen. Yeah, the royal family's around. They're like, let's play a game. And you have to guess the game.

You're given a word, and you have to give clue. You have three clues to give. Like, is it bigger than a bread box? Bah, bah. You know, what is it living? And all that stuff. And so anyway, the queen gets handed the word, and the word is moose cock. And so she's like, all right.

And so the person I've slaughtered, I told her the prince, the prince gets the word moose cock. She's got to guess. Right. So what are you going to let me, you're going to trust me with the end of the joke. So basically she's like,

all right, let me think of a question. She's like, um, can you eat it? And the prince like, you know, looks at the other people and looks it down.

He's like, I mean, all right, I guess so. Yes. And the queen's like, OK, is it moose cock? I fucking love that. Except a British accent might have given it a little extra. Moosecock? Yeah. By the way, Chris Denman just wrote down in the Google Doc,

Bert said, quote, the podcast I just recorded with Greg and Mike is the best or one of the best podcasts I've ever done. Leanne said she could hear you all across the yard. He said this in his pre-show before Nate Bergazzi episode. Really? Yeah. Wow.

We were on fire. Yeah, okay. Well, we should try that with our podcast. Hey, now. Come on. Now, what's another good joke? Oh, well, someone told that joke uh about you know the uh monkey having having his way with the sleeping lion i heard a different way though i heard because i

heard the amazing jonathan tell it on the aristocrats documentary i think that's where it was yeah but that basically the way the way i heard it was two monkeys, right? Or gorillas or whatever in the zoo. And they see. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they see a lion sleeping. This is the way I heard it. And the guy goes, well, how much you give me if I go over there and I fuck that sleeping lion up the ass?

And the guy's like, you can't do that to the king of the jungle. You fuck. He's like, no, of course I can. He's sleeping. I can totally fucking do it. So anyway, the gorilla runs over, jumps into the lion's cage, sneaks up behind the lion and quickly fucks it up the ass. And then the lion wakes up furious and the fucking gorilla takes off and the gorilla is running and he runs into like the reptile like building and he sees a security guard there and he fucking tackles him and he takes a security guard outfit and he picks up the guy's newspaper and hides behind the newspaper. And he takes a security guard outfit and he picks up the guy's newspaper and hides behind the newspaper. Lion comes tearing in and he runs up to the gorilla's security guard.

He's like, hey, he's like, did you see a gorilla run through here? And the gorilla bends down the newspaper and goes, the one who fucked the lion up the ass? And the lion goes, oh, it's in the papers already? It's so funny. i love that joke this guy comes home from uh this guy comes into his front door opens the front door walks into the house and he's got a pig under his arm and the wife is standing there and he goes uh this is the pig i've been fucking and he she goes you've been fucking a pig he goes i was talking to the pig that's a good one there's some of the all right this is the last one but i have to write them down because there are classic ones i always forget but one of my favorites is that old joke about uh the the guy's losing his hearing so they go go to the doctor. The wife brings the husband who's losing his hearing to the doctor.

And the doctor's like, so what's going on today? And what can I help you with? And the guy's like, huh? And the wife's like, he said, what can I help you with today? And the old man's like, ah, all right. So he tells him about his hearing. So the doctor's like, well, how long has it been? You noticed that your hearing's been going.

He's like, huh? And the wife's like, how long have you noticed your hearing's been going? And the guy's like, oh, all right. So the doctor kind of sees what's going on. And the doctor's like, all right, listen, I'm going to need a blood, a stool, and a urine sample. And the old guy's like, huh? And the wife's like, give him your underwear. I like that one. Old guy goes to the doctor's office.

He walks in and the doctor goes, hey, Mr. Bernstein, what's going on? And he goes, well, it's kind of embarrassing, but I have a drip coming out of my penis. And the doctor says, oh, okay, well, let's take a look at it. Drop your pants. Pulls down his underwear. The doctor gets on one knee, cradles his cock, takes a look at it, and he says, Mr. Bernstein, have you had sex recently? And the old guy goes, as a matter of fact, I did about two weeks ago. Why? And the doctor goes, as a matter of fact, I did about two weeks ago. Why?

And the doctor goes, because you're coming. I like it. The doctor jokes are classic. It's the only way to go out. Don't forget, folks, support the podcast. Support your own lawn. Get yourself some Sunday. Go to Sunday. Wait, what's the website called?

GetSunday.com slash papers. Get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. We'll see you guys next Sunday, as always. Yeah, I had no energy coming into this. I won't be a year older next week but my label will be a year older well happy birthday any any plans any kind of party what do you mean a party yeah I'm gonna go to Florida into a packed bar and or Michigan I'm gonna go to Michigan all right no no nothing really I uh you know that golf course is tough to beat.

That outdoor cafe thing, cheap outdoors. It feels very un-LA. You may go to dinner there with the girls. You may go to a drive-in movie. Right. Because they're all over LA now. You know, Santa Monica has two drive-ins. I know.

Oh, two? I know about the one across the street here. Where's the other one? It is at the Sears Park. You know what used to be the Sears? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the Third Street Promenade. By the Tan and Lincoln, yeah. Wow. Okay. Might do that.

All right. Well, let me know if you do Raising Arizona. I may jump in on that. Sounds good, my man. Okay. See you next week. Take it-ish now. Take it eesh. I love to wake up to Sunday papers. My weekend is set on you. I love to wake up to Sunday papers.

To Greg and Mic I must be true No other part Or paper would do You're the one that I want You are the one I want Sunday Papers You're the one that I want You are the one I want

Sunday Papers