Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 60 4/25/21

Episode Date: April 25, 2021

Greg Zooms in from the City of Brotherly Love while Mike sits in his closet hoping his daughter doesn’t hear him roasting Caitlyn Jenner. A listener joins us to play “Guess Your Birthday” and Chris Denman has the shits. Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime

Here's some motherfucking Sunday, motherfucking paper. Bring my, here's some motherfucking Sunday paper. I am Joanne. Read all about it! Read all about it! Philadelphia Inquirer, that's what I'm reading this week. Lots of news. Oh, my God. How's Philly?

Philly is one of the great, great cities of the world. It is. All right. The problem is it's populated with idiots. All right. Yeah. It's a problem as it's populated with idiots. Well, if you mean Italian and Irish people, then, you know, then it's good that you left the East Coast. It's it's like the Bronx. It's like Boston. It's a lot of racism, but charming, charming people, loud women. I threw four women out of the show on Thursday night.

Yeah, I would go to the Rose, but not the Rose Bowl. I'd go to the Coliseum here where the Rams were the home team. And when Philly came, first of all, I would say Philadelphia was 75% of the stadium. Really? Yeah. No, like when you, like, you know, the typical thing, you're at a stadium, you're going to, you're at the urinal and you hear craziness.

You're like, oh, my God, they scored. I can't believe it. And you come back to your seat and Philly scored. Yeah, that was the thunderous stadium shaking, you know, explosion. But yeah, the girls are there's a definite tough streak about them for sure. Yeah, anytime I get on stage and I see a table up front with four women and two empty wine bottles, I almost want to signal the bouncer right out of the gate, like, we're going to need to remove these women at some point in the next hour. And they're wearing the Eagles helmets. They got, oh, overweight women with sports jerseys is really such an I give up look. It's so it's like I hope you're married because you're untouchable right now. Oh, boy.

I don't mean the weight. I mean, the jerseys. It's just such a sign of I don't give a fuck about myself anymore. Well, I think it's one of those things. I think men have it, too, where it's like, oh, God, I'm really nowhere and I've given up. But is there a look for that? In other words, like, it's almost like, let me go back on the offensive. You know what I mean? Like, all right, I could do like, you know, maybe guys it's the hockey Jersey thing. Yeah. Well, we, we shouldn't speak ill of it because our friend, John Sorelli,

who's one of the great, great dudes of all time. And as he gets away with it, cause he's such a big sports fan. He wears different jerseys. If you want to see a good Instagram account, go to... I don't even know how he does it. One day he's in Boston with a fucking Wade Boggs jersey that's signed but somehow is vintage. And he's there at Patriots Day or whatever it's called where he goes every year for like 35 years or something

like that to the home game in Fenway and then he'll be the next day he'll be at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with an ACDC jersey the guy lives a life of somebody who's got a death sentence like he's got cancer

and then he has a giant MLS it's as if he goes to each event and he's like cancer. We'll go to soccer. And then he has a giant MLS. It's as if he goes to each event and he's like, yes, I'll take the $400 home jersey. Like at every event. Yes. And by the way, it is not just mainstream sports. Then, I'm not making any of this up. Then all of a sudden, he's at the Kentucky Derby.

And what's that home jersey? Slave owner. He's wearing an outfit that looks like he should be on the porch of the plantation. No. Is that true? Oh, he dresses like if he was a woman, he'd have the big bonnet on. Yes. He has maybe a bow tie, like a pop.

What's it called? What kind of suit is it? Really the lightest summer suit? Seersucker? No, it's not flat I'm so tired right now Anyway, Poppy, Poplin, whatever the fuck it is Anyway, he looks He's walking around like he's a southern gentleman

And then that night he's seeing Patty Griffin in concert in Nashville And there's a picture of him backstage with her I don't know what He's living the life man he's living the life does he have some credit card deal that only 10 people have where it's like go to every event dressed as the person he should be sponsored by somebody but he in college that when credit cards were not given to young people until the year we started college and then you went to the student union and there were these fucking parasites that were there

signing they'd give you like a frisbee if you signed up for a credit card and i didn't really use mine sorelli had hundreds of cds in his apartment oh Oh, it was unbelievable. Yeah. And he ran up so much credit card debt in college. All right, John, you didn't give it. I interrupted you. John Cirelli. Cirelli. C-E-R-I-L-L-I. That's his name.

And what's his handle or whatever the fuck you call it on here? I think it might just be Sorelli. I haven't seen the guy in a while. I'm due. And let's see. Okay. Just putting it out there. Okay.

This was, okay, 18 hours ago. There he is. He's got the Mets jersey with 42. I thought 42 was Jackie Robinson. Oh, yeah. It was a big, big dedication or whatever to him there. But he didn't play for the Mets. There he is.

I don't know. I'm not going to get into a sport thing with you. And then here he is in Boston. Yeah. And this was three days ago. Yeah. Three days ago. So, three days ago. So anyway, it's pretty interesting.

And you keep tabs on all the big events. Well, speaking of our college buddies, I'm in Philly. Oh, I'm sorry. Was it a different jersey that day in February? Oh, my God. He's got the yellow Boston jersey. When was there a yellow Boston Red Sox jersey? I don't even know what that is.

Here's the Mets thing, by the way. And then we'll finish with Sorale. 42. I don't know what the, one of the greatest honors to the legendary Jackie Robinson is at Citi Field. I don't know why. I mean, he's in every stadium.

You don't need to be. But in case you don't, Jackie Robinson, there's a Darryl Strawberry tribute right there. Wow. With a line of coke right on the jersey giant bottle of cocaine right on it all right so speaking of college buddies i'm in i'm in philly so last night i went out with um uh dan brickner and his lovely wife carolyn and we went to great yeah they're great from south jersey south jersey and uh she's a riot she always cracks me up i think she's she's just like she's like a tough irish broad from jersey

and um that's a judge so brickner gets a father-in-law who's a judge right he's 93 he's 93 and i asked about him and she's like oh oh yeah, he still gets calls for work. He still like works for some of his friends. Just like us. Yeah. And, uh, so I'm on stage and I pointed him out and he's waiting online to get in. And he realizes the couple online in front of him is his partner at his real estate firm. And he didn't know Dan was going to the show, but the guy happens to be a fan of mine on his own. So he's there with his wife. And so they're at different tables. And I don't know this at the time.

So I asked the audience, has anybody done the Ancestry DNA? And so the guy raises his hand, his wife raises her hand. And I said, did you discover anything and she goes yeah we did we discovered that i have a half brother that our father never told us about because if you go on ancestry it will tell you you're a 50 match with somebody meaning you share a parent wow so like so so this guy i i don't know how they reached out to each other

and they were kind of in denial about it like i don't know if he's really our brother the guy who's kind of a kind of a loser i guess and maybe has some mental illness but you know grew up an orphan like the mother it turns out the mother he he had sex with some chick on the jersey shore she went to a convent and uh had the baby there and left it and then the kid grew up an orphan so now they all meet up at a diner in jersey and they're thinking this this guy's not really our brother they see him it's a clone her and the brother standing there and he looks exactly like they all burst out crying and i was like that must have been such a great moment because this guy's been an orphan his whole life.

He's probably been afraid. Like, you know, oh, what if, you know, there's always that irrational fear. Like, what if I meet my original family and they reject me? Well, he met his original family and they rejected him. They were like, you're kind of an asshole. We don't want to go further with this relationship. What? And this is all coming out and dan's watching this and it's his partner he didn't know any of this shit

i think you know i think he knew a little bit of it but he didn't know the whole story that's really funny wow and all this all this took place live on stage yeah Yeah, on the Friday night late show. Or no, early show. And then I told stories about Brickner. I told a story about how I met Dan the first night freshman year and we snorted crank all night. And kind of we're just good friends ever since. So what is crank?

It's like speed. Like you've just ground up just speed speed pills i don't know he had it oh so it's a good philly crank all right well we well we got we got to school and uh and i check into my room and i meet dan and dan's like oh i gotta introduce you to this other guy and so and so we walk up to the door and the door says chris greenleaf on it and i go that's weird because i lived in cherry hill new jersey from ages four to six. And I had a best friend who lived next door named Chris Greenleaf who had jet blonde hair and I haven't seen him since. Knock on the

door, door opens, surfer dude, long blonde hair. I go, I go, Chris Greenleaf? He goes, yeah. I go, Cherry Hill, New Jersey? He's like, yeah. I go, Gregreg fitzsimmons he goes get the fuck out of here and so he snorted crank with us that night and then um just right to crank say a third sentence and then i can't i'll just say he got thrown out of school freshman year i won't say why because apparently he uh whatever i don't want, I don't want to put out somebody's business, but, uh, we hit me, him and Brickner were inseparable freshman year. Amazing. You two made it and poor Chris gets shit canned. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well that's one thing I guess kids today don't like, there were a lot of like, what you're here because there was,

you know, there's no way to keep tabs on people yeah right so there was like a lot of great surprises yeah and then uh and then i didn't see him again for another 15 years and then i walk into comedy central for a meeting he's working at comedy central no yeah i see him like what are you doing here dude be you, yeah. Then we did Crank. And then Thursday night, our buddy Tom O'Neill is in Philly, living with his mother. Tom is the author of Chaos, a New York Times bestseller, and he lives with his mother in a nursing home several months of the year.

Well, this is not a defense of him. It makes it worse but by design he can't wait to leave los angeles drive there by the way in my mother's car you know that right uh-huh drives there in my mother's car uh because he can't wait kid to get to the home yeah that his mom lives in a i don't know if it's assisted living i don't think whatever but yeah i think it's assisted living yeah but they have a bar and uh you're not allowed to tip uh and the uh guy gets on the an old guy gets on the piano every night and the drinks are like they're like three dollar drinks and of course he's become best friends with the bartender. So he gets nice heavy pours.

He only spends about $45 to $50 a night. Meanwhile, he's out at a comedy club with me and then dragging the virus back into the nursing home. Yes, yes, of course. So he comes down to the show. And that was the show where i threw the four women out and it was a bad show it did not go well it was one of those shows where i was embarrassed to have friends in the audience and then and so he mentions something about that it didn't go that well on a group text and then you very nicely put an image of 9-11 in the text chain.

Well, someone goes, does anyone? By the way, you're the only one who seemed to get it or everyone thought it was too mean. Someone's like, is there any video of Greg's set? And I just sent 9-11 footage. But the best part was the YouTube clip I found was just the twin towers smoking and then the words no no no no oh i just just to see the pity in their eyes because the thing is if you live in los angeles with a bunch of friends it's almost like an episode of seinfeld where you never see seinfeld on the road he just like you know he's doing great and then he gets a suitcase and he leaves and he comes back and everybody just thinks oh what he probably had a

big fucking crowd it was fun and and then and then that's the image people might have of me in la and then for him to see an ugly show on the road, it made me feel like there was such pity in his eyes. Like, oh, my God, you're away from home and you're alone in a hotel. And then you get four drunken fucking whores in the front. What a life you live, Greg. I thought it was so much better than this. Wait, I will say, I didn't know. Did they write about?

I thought Tom said it was really good. No, it was a good show until the women started talking. Oh, I just did the 9-11 saying that that would be your typical set. But on the text chain, I don't think anyone was dissing your set. No, it wasn't my best set. Oh, I didn't know that. But then I made up for it. Well, it's fucking Philly, man. Blame Philly.

No, I can't. This is my second favorite club in the country. Greatest fucking crowds. And then last night I lit it up two shows I came back I came back if you ever want to have a good show have a bad show and then the next one is going to be fucking great also in Philly go to the race humor they eat it up oh yeah oh yeah um is there a joke I was trying to think that I want to check my family origin and all that, and I send it to 22andMe because my whole family is short of chromosomes. No?

Something there. I wanted to do one that said, you know, this ancestor DNA, it's great. It's like $100, and they look up your family history going back generations. And for an extra $50, they'll stop right before they hit black. Philly. Bring it up in Philly. That would kill in Philly. They'll love it.

Because ultimately, doesn't it all end up at black eventually? I don't know how far back this stuff goes that's a good question how far back does 23 and me go this guy last night said he showed up part neanderthal and i was like i never heard that before yeah but that was in like 55 1955 yeah that's philly yeah yeah yeah otherwise known as italian uh yeah exactly so what are you doing in Philly? Neanderthal, otherwise known as Italian Yeah, exactly So what are you doing in Philly? You getting out? You gonna go look at some

Cheese steak fucking places? Caddy Corner? Whatever those things are? No, I got Now I got tonight I got my high school friend Driving down from New York with his wife Whoa, pressure

So they're gonna come to the show We're gonna go to dinner in between shows. So it's been a very social weekend, which I don't always like because I can lose my focus a little bit. Everybody thinks, everybody comes down there like Tom's like, all right, so tomorrow, man, why don't you get a new, get a rent-a-car and come down to Cape May, which is two hours away. It's like, what do you think this is?

People think I'm on vacation. And Brickner's like, yeah, I got us a reservation between shows at this sushi place. I'm like, is it near the club? He's like, nah, it's like 20 minutes away. Oh, perfect, perfect. That works out good for me. I don't have to focus at all on my late show.

You tell Tom that, what are you talking about? I have to talk into a zoom tomorrow about my set last night. I don't have time for that. Right. Um, so what are you doing? You're going to Seattle. Yeah. So the oldest Sophie is considering a U-Dub, a university of Washington. So tomorrow morning, really early flying to Seattle, we're gonna do seattle and university of washington over two days and then i'll come we'll come back like late monday night she has school so um i can't believe they're i mean they're still trying in high school i'm like what are you doing like it's like who cares just write any numbers just write any numbers yeah in colleges that's

good jojo's completely given up i think although her grades are fine but i just i get the sense she doesn't give a shit it is so weird when you we watch our and our daughters who were born two weeks apart we we want them to learn but like i look back at my high school i didn't learn shit and and and i feel like there she's she's wasting her life and it's not going to turn out all right it's so hard to let go of that and just realize like no's wasting her life and it's not going to turn out all right. It's so hard to let go of that and just realize like, no, it doesn't really matter that much. I guess.

Yeah, we had no trouble letting go. There's a lot of pressure on them though. And then what a crazy senior year. I mean, they're going back what, next week? Optional. I don't think Judge is going to do it. I think it's optional classes. As a parent, I shouldn't admit optional i don't think jojo's gonna do it i think it's optional classes as a parent i shouldn't admit that i don't know if she's going back or not yeah knowing sophie she's gonna go back maybe we'll see but i mean jojo's there working all the time

no she doesn't work at the school she works works at a daycare center. But isn't it right there? No. Oh, I thought it was that one. No. She used to work at that one while school was in. She would do one period a day. She'd go in and hold the babies of the teachers and the students. And then it's so funny because there'd be like girls she's in class with that she's fucking babysitting for the next period. But it also sounded like the teachers, the babies of the teachers and the students who slept together.

It's a full nursery. She has had teachers whose babies she watches. All right. Isn't that weird? I don't know. What's so weird about that? Well, it's a good grade. It's a guaranteed good grade, I would think.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old drop the baby ploy? Yeah. I got you. I got you. I see it now. No, listen, my physics grade should be good because I noticed when I dropped your baby, she fell very fast to the ground.

I'm not great with fractions, but what would you say? One out of nine times i drop a baby i hold what was i don't know i can't convert that to percentage but it's about one nine and let's just say there's over 10 babies in there one of them's yours now here with chemistry if i am changing the baby and i use a lotion that has an acid in it I use a lotion that has an acid in it. All right. Well, have fun in Seattle, man.

That's another great city. Yeah. I'm going to go to the Museum of Pop Culture. Is that what it's called? You did Seattle. I remember you telling me about it. You went to like a pinball museum and all this stuff. There's a pinball museum and there's also the Jimi Hendrix Museum, which is really cool. That trip seems like it would be a little bit more about me but i'll try to i'll float it i'll float it by her

did you ever read the boys in the boat it's set in seattle back in the 1930s it's about the olympic uh crew that went to munich and uh for the olymp Olympics and it's about it's a fucking amazing book it might have won it might have won some big awards but uh yeah read that but it's all about Seattle back then was fucking got hit hard by the depression it was bad wow yeah I really it's amazing I haven't been there because out of high school, I had I had people go there right away. So that's like, you know, half a century ago. And like there's no you know, I finally did Portland. But it's real like, you know, I was obsessed with driving across. I've driven across the country like probably eight or nine times. Northwest always this weird sort of I never got to it so i i'm psyched to get up there um shout out to john landini who

did that great song today which was fun logo from craig that was i like that song a lot yeah and i like how you thought it was over and then there was a little uh there's a little joanne mention at the end well i you emailed it to me so i knew i'm like oh he forgot to turn off his mic because i you could see the seconds counting down and there was still about eight seconds i'm like oh and then there was a nice little ending yeah uh craig godette did the logo oh very cool logo and um should we get to some corrections i I guess. I don't think we had any, but let's see what people think they are correcting. It seems like nitpicking, but Stephen Blackwood said,

not a correction, but a clarification. When reading one of your letters, you correctly said that SF was a would-be Ford assassin. Who's SF? Oh, Squeaky Fromm. Squeaky Fromm. Why SF, Stephen Blackwood? You then asked if she was in the PLO. Mike said she was a Manson girl.

Since this occurred in 1975, you were probably thinking of the SLO, the Sibonese Liberation Army. Love the show as usual. Maybe. You might have been, but I don't know if she was in the slo wasn't that hearst i think that was hearst yeah no hearst was i yeah i'm gonna say confidently and i might be wrong but i don't know if squeaky i don't know if sf was well maybe if if chris denman our producer's not taking a shit because apparently he's got some kind of stomach flu maybe he can look that up for since stephen blackwood while correcting us

is saying i think well how about some hard research uh chris why don't you just google was sf in the slo i'm sure it'll say it'll spell it all out for us. All right. Eric Anderson said, I'm sure you'll get this 800 times, but it was hilarious when Greg, about 45 seconds after telling the BB gun story for the umpteenth time, accused Mike of retelling a story that we hadn't heard yet. Gaffigan and Todd Barry story. I love it. It was a great story. I mean, those two.

But you had told that story before. Look at you. I don't know. Well, now you're retelling your accusation story of my Todd Barry Gaffigan story. But they really are, especially when they're uncomfortable and really out of place, they have a very special look about them. Yeah, yeah. Like you open the door and they're like, huh?

Like they should have had crayons and stuff. Yeah, Todd Barry meeting a stranger for the first time is, there's no eye contact. He in The Wrestler was so good, I can't believe we're not seeing him in everything. Yeah, I know, i know i know quirky yeah like like character actor why not i thought about that since i first knew todd barry in new york i thought this guy is going to be a sitcom star not a lead he's going to be like a second banana fun

guy on it but i don't know that he ever wanted that he never moved to la and i don't think he really cared about doing sitcoms but you're right i mean films are so fucking hard though to get into same thing with judah friedlander i only know any of these guys because of you you were a huge champion of him out of the gate oh yeah i love todd but i but i mean you look at judah friedlander who did that amazing movie about our was it our crumb yes he was he he was fucking amazing and I thought this guy's gonna have such a big career and then you know he did have a great career in TV but I saw him as a guy who's gonna be doing a lot of like indie films also he had Todd Barry has this like Peter Lorre remember like yeah yeah yeah he has this real

Peter Lorre uh magnetism to him where you're like what a weirdo that I can't take my eyes off of like he's very very interesting you know yeah well he's done his own thing he's he's he's one of those guys I respect because he's he's lived his career exactly the way he wanted to. And he's got a nice big audience for himself. And I got to get him back on the podcast. It's been a while. Totally. Also, we got Barb said, I've never heard Mike's story about the Gaffigan and Barry, but I've heard Greg's BB gun story at least four times now.

I guess that's what umpteenth means and then she goes on to say uh greg makes me cry i uh i gotta read her whole thing i realized that i listened to fitz dog radio and sunday papers but that still is at least two times more than i should have heard that story i love hyphen hate listen to you guys i adore mike greg makes me crazy i swear it's like listening to my own boston irish brother can't stand him but love him please keep up the good work i look forward to this every sunday much thanks what's so funny is you forwarding me this i adore mike red makes me crazy you're like yeah send oh no i feel a total uh as people know i get the emails and then i send them to mike but i feel like there should

be full disclosure you need to see my hate mail as well uh auntie rin said just listen to your latest podcast and you were talking about buying coinbase and it being a joke and whatnot. But I think you mixed up Coinbase and Dogecoin. There's two different unrelated things happening. Dogebase, D-O-G-E, coin. Coinbase. Don't correct us. We don't care.

Coinbase, the exchange went public. Dogecoin, the cryptocurrency, surged. At this point, I would invest in Coinbase since Doge fluctuates based on Elon Musk's tweets. P.S. Don't tell Mike to invest in crypto. I don't want my own portfolio to crash and burn. Well, too late. So I am in that GBTC or whatever.

I'm in the main one, the easy one. The newbie, the fucking regular dude can buy into Bitcoin. And the headlines this week, it plummeted, by the way. And the headlines this week were it's probably going to tank because all these other available outlets, It's probably going to tank because all these other available outlets, not the right word, the funds, ETFs and stuff, are coming available that allow you to buy Bitcoin kind of on the side. Kind of like an index fund of Bitcoin.

But I don't even know. I've given up. I mean, this stock market, I thought this was the week we would start diving, and it tried to, but there's nothing stopping people. Mike, the stock market's not diving. It's going to go up for two years. Just buy some index funds, sit back, play some golf, and just fucking relax. Maybe the whitest sentence ever uttered. Speaking of white, how's your lawn people how is your lawn mine is a dramatic improvement from last year thanks to our new sponsor sunday um i it's it's here's what it does i can't believe i'm excited about my lawn am i

getting that old but i don't think it's an age thing. I just think it's like I had given up because I just nothing was growing. And then it's like a miracle. I get this Sunday. They do a they do an evaluation of your lawn based on aerial photographs, location, climate, and they send you the exact lawn care product that is custom made for your lawn. Premixed. It's a bag. You just twist it onto your hose. It's so easy. It controls weeds, removes pests. And I got dogs. And what's nice is the chemicals, they don't use chemicals. It's all ingredients that are safe for you. Granted, i'm sick of my dogs but i this is not the way i want them to go face down in a bush with some fucking cyanide weed killer in their nose this stuff is all safe it's a dog at least your dog that one little fucker at least if he was green he'd be amusing but look make making a lot it's like during the pandemic i i have been i have been so tested by the pandemic of my character of what are you gonna do you've got all this time are you gonna do new

things and this is one of the things i feel good about like yes i'm gonna take on my lawn and you know what it takes 15 minutes i do it on sunday because the product's called sunday and it's a piece of cake as your mom's lawn coming along you know the weird thing out here is can you recall the last time it rained uh for 10 minutes about four weeks ago and then how many days this year like three like yeah now we're in it we're in a drought again oh so uh by the way we'll get back but this is even more important is but related in a news story i guess there's some index about they test the moisture in in grass or whatever maybe we talked about it last week it's not good so anyway we're in a drought and despite that my mom's lawn because you're

also watering it with that pouch on there and uh and then they tell you it's a no-brainer, take it out. So hers has started and she's shocked. She's a New Yorker and she's just like, it doesn't rain here. This is ridiculous. And she's using less water because of this stuff. So listen, it's going to turn you into a competent gardener. Here's how you do it. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit GetSunday.com slash papers to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash papers. Don't forget, support our sponsors. It's springtime. Tour dates tonight, which is the 25th of April.

I will be at the Brea Improv for one show, one special pop-up show. When do you get back here? I get back at around 1 o'clock in the afternoon on Sunday. And then I will make love to my wife, walk my dog, take a shower and drive to Brea. Maybe put the shower first. Just looking out for Aaron. But OK. Right.

Right. I am flying coach. Jeez. Yeah. All right. What are you flying? Flying American. Every seat was taken. Airports are jammed again. Long lines, everything. It's fully back on.

Tomorrow morning at 7.02 a.m., we board a Delta flight. And I just put in, I actually put two seats in together. There's three seats on each side of the aisle. And it popped us apart. And middle seat empty. Yeah, middle seats for Delta are empty until the end of this month. I think in May they're going to start filling the middle seats on Delta. That's next week.

And this weekend I'll be in Kansas City at the Kansas City Comedy Club. That's April 29th through May 1st. Get tickets at FitzDawg.com. It's only 50% capacity, so make sure you get tickets because the Philly shows are selling out, and I don't want my good friends from the podcast to miss out. Alright, Mike, do you

have a paper to crinkle? Oh my God, I don't. I don't either. Get a piece of paper. Alright, good. Alright, hold on. Let me get a piece of paper. Boy,, a piece of paper. All right, good. All right, hold on. Let me get a piece of paper. Boy, is this paper going to go through it today. Extra! Extra!

We all love it! Extra! There it is. Legal pad. Nice. By the way, we got a special guest coming up in a little bit we announced the contest last week for the uh birthday book uh analysis yeah and we picked a we picked a winner we got hundreds literally hundreds i didn't for you any of these of people wrote in asking uh to

be the birthday person and we may we'll see how it goes with him. If it goes well, maybe we'll do it again. I'm going to read a random date and then his date. I don't know which order. And then he's going to tell us which one was closer to his profile. Interesting. Yeah. All right, front page.

Oh, boy. Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner. Go ahead. Oh, boy. Caitlyn Jenner. Caitlyn Jenner. Go ahead. Oh, me? Yeah. Because I know her.

Caitlyn Jenner announces the run for California governor. You know, they couldn't figure out if this was a joke or not. Yeah. Former Olympic gold medalist and reality star Caitlyn Jenner announced her candidacy for California governor. Jenner, who's 71, would be running as a Republican, although she switches parties, if you know what I mean. So she's not very loyal. But she wrote that she can end the current governor, Gavin Newsom's, quote, disastrous time as governor.

I'm in, Jenner wrote on her website, quote, for the past decade, we have seen the glimmer of the golden state reduced by one party rule that places politics over progress and special interests over people. Sacramento needs an honest leader who has committed vehicular manslaughter. I was just going to say, yeah, get out of it. Right, right. No, the Sacramento needs an honest leader with a clear vision. She has such clear vision. How'd she hit that fucking motorist? That is true. Yes.

Well, I can't tell you what I don't know about caitlin as a leader i mean i don't know if you've seen a show called keeping up with the kardashians she is the least leader ish person in that house she got fucking stomped on she couldn't even keep up with them. Right. Imagine if there's anybody in the state Senate who has the balls of a Kim Kardashian or a Khloe Kardashian or a Kate. What's the daughter's name? The other Jenner? Sophie, who's Caitlyn Jenner's daughter's names? What are the names? There's two, aren't there?

The one named Jenner. Who's named Jenner? kylie oh kylie kylie yeah all of them are worth hundreds of millions okay and which shakespeare play has a danish king okay good you got the kardashians but you don't know shakes. Okay, we're done. There is no pin. No. I'm in a podcast that's listened to by hundreds of people. Tell her I said congratulations on her Investopedia.

She's doing really well. She left. All right, God. She knows the answers to the card. Go ahead. I can't even. I can't even. Yeah. By the way, going to either Michigan go ahead. I can't even. I can't even. By the way, going to either

Michigan or UW. Good luck with that. Oh, that was Sophie. I didn't know it was Sophie. She's not in the contest. Yeah, so she can't even keep up with them. But listen, so am I allowed? All right. She would be

the first female governor. Am easy easy to ask if there will be an asterisk next to that statistic i don't think in our culture we asterisk people who become trans trans trans okay so can you say trans you can say trans i think so i don't think you can say tran, tran-ee. It should never be said. That's very offensive. Okay.

Can you put a transterisk next to her name? All right. This is real, though. I'm not even trying to be funny here. Let's say a few years from now, right, a cis woman is elected. Do you know what I mean by a cis woman? Yeah, a person who is born into the gender that they identify with. No, it's someone who's born into the physical.

They do identify as the, how they were born physically. That's what did you said? Yours was a little different actually. But anyway, I remember what you said listen to two middle-aged white guys stumbling over fucking uh semantics about right of course well no the really old show would be like let's say a real woman's elected so anyway let's say a few years from now a a cis woman is elected. Does she not get to claim that honor of being the first female governor of California? No, absolutely not. Okay. Caitlyn Jenner is a woman. She has undergone a transformation.

And she, do we know if she had the genital removal? I think she did. I've worked with her twice i've talked to her about it i i believe so okay but i don't know you've talked to her about it and it didn't stick in your mind what she said it's it's very there's a lot going on when you're talking or it's very distracting yeah um so she's from tarrytown new york by the way my hometown she also grew up i think in chappaqua for a little bit maybe or yeah i think she yeah she moved at some point yeah not before capturing all the records at the high school her dad had a tree trimming service or whatever it was. Well, that's what I'm asking.

Did she have her tree trimmed? There you go. So I have to say, God, this is probably wrong, but I think that's, I think the first, I think there should be an asterisk. An asterisk isn't a negative thing always. You're about to get your ass canceled, Mike. You could put an asterisk next to some sports record

that says that it was despite playing less games, this person's shattered record. It can be a positive thing also. Mm-hmm. You're just going to let me hang myself. But honestly, so cis cis woman is elected i don't know i think i mean caitlin jenner had benefits that i think feminist scholars would agree gave her a a leg up i'm not trying to be funny as i say anything wait has a distinct

advantage she was a super male aggro athlete and that helps her become a governor well this fucking retarded state it all be i mean ronald and now you're saying retarded on top of it oh sorry you're right i i don't know. Yeah. I'm only going to get in more trouble. But stupid Ronald Reagan was just a dumb actor who got elected governor. And then he got elected president and began the downhill of this country. Well, how about Schwarzenegger? Same thing. Agro actor.

Republican. Athlete. Was he Republican? Yeah, he was. Yeah, I believe he was. Yeah, he was. Because he was married to a Kennedy. Very shady recall also, which is similar to this.

Yeah. Hey, what's going on with the Capitol rioter? Oh, yeah. I thought this was interesting. All right. New story. OK, I guess I'm the only one thinking it's a little weird that Caitlyn Jenner will claim the title of first female governor of California when it was a circuitous route. Let's at least admit that circuitous title. Did you say circuitous? It's a circus circuitous. It's a cute. I like that word circuitous.

I like that. All right. I'm flustered. Uh, as many system males get when. I like that. All right. I'm flustered. As many cis males get when they talk about this. All right. Capitol rioter was arrested after being turned in by a match on online dating app Bumble. I love it. I love it.

The Justice Department has charged the Capitol rioter who was turned in by someone he matched with on the dating app Bumble after he bragged about his exploits on January 6th. According to documents, one week after the attack, Robert Chapman... Oh, by the way, this guy's from Carmel, New York. No shit. Yeah. Wow. Which is where my family lives above New York, yeah. Robert Chapman of New York told one of his Bumble matches that, quote,

I did storm the Capitol and said that he, quote, made it all the way into Statuary Hall. He also claimed that he was interviewed by members of the media. The other Bumble user, this woman he matched with, said, quote, we are not a match. And then he responded, I suppose

so. I suppose not. And then she reported him. She screen grabbed their conversation and reported him. Wow. Well, that's the thing about these guys is they're proud of it. And the women, they're proud of it. They think that they, and then I went back and I should actually be talking about this in the entertainment section.

But last night uh i took a couple hits of a vape pen and then i watched mr smith goes to washington i'd never seen mr smith goes to washington before wow with jimmy stewart i know one of the classic directed by um i haven't seen it either it's weird that's what you do alone in philadelphia like uh in 2000 uh you know 21 it's what go back and watch one of the greatest movies ever made that's weird well you're in the middle of binging stuff and everything all right go ahead um and it's directed by what's his name the guy that did it's a wonderful life yeah frank capra and um it is all about the biggest symbol of the movie is the Capitol.

And it made me so angry because he is this aw shucks kind of guy who comes to Washington full of ideals. And he and the Capitol represents everything that America means to him. And and so they keep showing it in the background. And he's extolling like the purity of the vision of the founding fathers and and and creating the capital and and then i think about these fucking lug nut camouflage wearing mulleted pickup truck driving douchebags going in there and they're proud of it now fuck you i hope they send those motherfuckers away for a hundred years each yeah it's flagrant man it's super bad uh so what's confusing about this story though is he had done interviews um and i think it was

on his facebook also so like how does it come down to a bumble user reporting them uh why didn't they already have them? Right. Right. You have to first find out he likes long walks on the beach and wants to hook up on the first date. That's what it takes. Yeah. I like long walks on the reflecting pool. I like long walks on the way to the Senate chamber.

Oh my God. Whores. Whores. Hold on. Oh, my God. Whores. Oh, wait. Hold on. Oh, it's not a new section. Go ahead. Sorry, whores. Whores.

Manhattan's district attorney announced Wednesday that his office will no longer prosecute prostitution and unlicensed massage under a new policy that's believed to be

the first of its kind in New York. Cyrus Vance Jr., who appeared virtually in Manhattan criminal court to request the dismissal of more than 900 such cases dating back to the 1970s. So somebody got a handjob in the 70s at some jack shack down in Soho, and he's been waiting for 50 years to get sentenced. Jesus Christ. down in soho and he's been waiting for 50 years to get sentenced jesus christ it sounds like they already didn't give a shit yeah he moved to dismiss another 5 000 cases related to the state's controversial anti-loiter loitering statute which by the way i don't know if you know about that statute it was very controversial also that came about in the 70s and it was meant to discourage prostitution but it was used really almost exclusively to harass transsexuals that were

hanging around greenwich village and calling them prostitutes stop and frisk maybe they just wanted to frisk the transsexuals i don't know but um so those people are all freed now, too. I think Cuomo, I think it's a ploy. Cuomo's going to be like, all right, you see all those ladies I touched in my office? I was paying them. So technically they're whores. And that's no longer a law. That's good.

He's always thinking ahead. He has definitely put this on the top of the pile on his desk. He signed it right away. Well, let me ask you this then. If you go to New York, would you go get a massage with a happy ending now that it's legal? That's a loaded question, Greg. There's so many other factors. Isn't there sex trafficking? Oh, you mean whether or not the women were brought in from another country?

I guess that shouldn't be my first response. The answer is no. Dad, what are you doing in the closet? I'm talking about getting handjobs in New York. It's legal now! Before we get on the plane to go to college, it is an amazing way to pass. It's just a father-daughter.

Can I just talk about these handjobs in New York City? Now, I won't get it. If she's from China, I won't do it. Wait, wait, hold on, miss. Are you here under your own volition? Did you get here on a sealed tanker or are you from ups are you from upstate i just had daddy issues that's what that's all that it is that leads to it um oh boy all right all right let's talk about our everybody's favorite broadcaster tucker carlson turns out turns out mike he's a little racist his college yearbook uh talks about his dad he uh he went to trinity

college and um i guess that he was part of the dan white society who of course was the man who in 1978 murdered san francisco mayor george mascon and city supervisor harvey milk california's first openly gay elected official and tucker joined his society he also uh was affiliated with the jesse helms foundation named after north carolina's longtime antigay, anti-civil rights senator. It's like these are like not these are pretty far down the list of the worst things that you can say about Tucker. You know, what's his name? John Oliver did a little bit of a deep dive on Tucker. And he said it is like, why give him any attention? Why raise his potentially raise his profile by doing this? He's like, because it's actually serious. And he has such a large audience.

And there's there's people asking him to run for president. I could see that. I mean, he is he has gotten I mean, he was always bad, but he is really fucking doubling down on the racist stuff lately just in the last year it's been insane well you know listen in a lawsuit they had to define his show as entertainment and not news that's how they got out of a lawsuit and so that is what it is he's entertainment he's a buffoon and he's and he cheats like crazy like like just turn him on and this this is the and i don't i don't watch him a lot i probably haven't watched him in like four months but when the defund the police thing like i was like all right i wonder what fox news is saying like you know the news

is blowing up that day uh during black lives matter and everything and so he this is what he does from the like four shows I watched around that time. He takes a premise. He defines it. He makes this straw man argument. He defines it in the most extreme fear inducing way and then rails against it. So with defund the police, I am not even joking. This is what he said. Oh, defund the police. I am not even joking. This is what he said. Oh defund the police That's a good idea. So there's no police. Okay, so that sentence one, right? So

That's only in his mind that defund the police means there's no police and he goes so there's no police He goes so when they he not no joke. I'm making none of this up so when your husband's away on a business trip and you're alone and they come for you and he goes, and they will come for you to rape you. He's like, you're going to pick up the phone and call and there will be no answer. Yeah. And I'm like, what the fuck just happened within six sentences? Right. And when you, and define they, because on Fox News, they only means one thing.

No, of course. A lot of people talked about that. Yeah. He's just, and you know what? He's smarter than that. I'm not saying he's better than that. No, that's why he has so much pull, because he has all the affectations of a real broadcaster. He has like the gravitas of an intellectual and he has like the good breeding

of a fucking moneyed white male. And so people just hear it and they go with it. And he's a fucking anyway, listen, you know, his dad was a dirtbag, sexist, racist reporter. Yeah. He was in that, that documentary about the, uh, the, the, the, the, the transsexual woman that ended up selling cars. Yes. Did you see that? What was that called? Something in the car. Yeah, I liked it a lot.

That was really good. But yeah, his father was featured prominently in that and he was a real piece of garbage. And, well, he's most known for, then he attacked Renee Richards. Speaking of this Caitlyn Jenner trans issue, he attacked her for playing women's tennis. Right. Which actually we have a story about later. All right.

What do we got? So listen, we got a very big moment here. This is the first time we've had a listener on the show. And he is our first birthday book entry we we read mike's birthday description and there's what's this book called it's called greg the secret language of birthdays and people uh i think it's incredibly accurate and then i had read the viewer mail where people are enraged because unlike most horoscopes this one doesn't shy away from being negative and critical. Yes, that's why we like it.

And that's why we asked you if you'd be willing to come on the show and have us read first. Well, let's let him in first and then we'll we'll do it. OK. Big moment for our pod. OK. Joining us right now. Let me see if I can get him on the screen all right he has a yoda screensaver uh hopefully he can appear before us his name is mike mcdonald welcome mike mcdonald hey i can't hear you very well. What are you on? It's not my tablet here. Let me see here. If I can make the audio better. One second.

Okay. Well, Michael is a guy who stood out of all the people that wrote in because his description of himself was, I'm a proud gay, gun-toting liberal artist from Minnesota, currently living about 10 blocks from where George Floyd was killed. So a lot of boxes checked. There's a lot going on there, that despio. Yes. I didn't think that you guys were going to actually read the email.

Oh. Well, I think, you know, you sound like somebody I want to get to know. You sound like an awesome guy. So what's it like being a gun-toting liberal? How does that break down? You know, a gun-toting, I mean, I think what it really is, the reason I did say that is I think it's, you know, we live in such a black and white type of a society.

You know, there's, most things are nuanced. Most things are great. Like it's nice to be able to have it if you do need it. But that doesn't mean that I go into a Chipotle with an AR. You know what I mean? What kind of gun do you have? Uh, uh, a paint gun. Medium sized ones and small ones. A paint gun medium-sized ones and small ones a paint gun i know i know what he means though because uh kind of like that it's not all something or all the other it's kind of like your camouflage vest you're not all in on the camouflage that's right the sleeves

yeah so they're not going to see the deer won't see you and unless you move your arms don't move your arms when you have a camel vest overpriced alone and now let's talk about your artwork you're an abstract impressionist i guess uh yep no those are portraits he's just sucks at it. He takes a lot of acid before he does portraits. Yeah. And you're gay. Yep, by all accounts. See the camouflage vest, Greg. That's not gay, is it?

A camouflage vest? I don't know. No. It was an easy joke. So is Minneapolis a pretty active gay community? Or is there a lot of social activities? There's enough. I would say that's not, it's not like a gay destination.

Right. It's friendly and accepting. I'm not a big fan of Minnesota in general, but I absolutely love Minneapolis. Right. It's friendly and accepting. I'm not a big fan of Minnesota in general, but I absolutely love Minneapolis. Right. I think people say that about Austin and Texas and people say that about what's the town of Wisconsin that people like. Yeah. On the lake. What's it called? University of Wisconsin. Yeah, where the university is. All right. Chris Farley. All right. So listen, we're excited that you wrote in. Thanks for being a part of this. It's very nice of you. We'd like to find out now your birthday is July 21st.

Now, the way we're going to do this segment is Mike is going to read two different birthday descriptions of two different days one is yours one is not you are then going to tell us which one aligns with you more and which one you think is the correct one all right so i should have prepared more. These are going to be blind. These are going to be blind reads. I'm just going to move the pages. One of them is going to be yours. I'm going to read two. Here we go. Try as they may, those born on July 21 cannot stay out of trouble for very long.

Okay. It's negative out of the gate. Somehow a storm is usually brewing around them, often one with tragic comic overtones, like a camouflage vest. Surprisingly enough, this can be equally true of quiet people born on this day. They seem to get caught up in exciting or unpredictable happenings,

not of their own doing. Uh-oh, he's got a gun. A more flamboyant July 21 person is, of course, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, more likely to be at least partly responsible for stirring up such excitement. Opposing points of view are the specialty of those born on this day, and they often present them with biting wit. Not only are they fine debaters, but serve equally well as mediators, arbiters, and peacemakers, as their love of playing devil's advocate trains them in seeing both sides of an issue since they are well accustomed to conflict they may be right at home in stressful situations with their firearm i added that in stressful situations that would easily upset others those born on this day have a fine sense of humor that usually sees them through.

These people may be subject to great mood swings within themselves, yet can remain remarkably calm and unaffected by emotional disturbances in others. Nonetheless, explosive situations do attract them and hold their interest. All right. That's two of four paragraphs. Okay. Should I switch it up? All negative. Yeah. Now let's hear the other one i'm just gonna go with that one huh he's already picking it i'm gonna get ready i'm gonna double down and take one card that one but yes that's easy there could be another set of negative things. Okay, July 21.

Those born on this day display an indomitable spirit that does not recognize defeat or boundaries. It's sort of like your vest, which is no surrender, even though the sleeves have surrendered. The camouflage vest allows the arms to be handcuffed that much easier while storming national buildings. Although it's hard to see him with his hands behind his back. Their desire to go beyond, to surpass what has already been done in any given area is

great. Yet they are patient enough to master the technical details of their craft, not being egotists or wild eyed fame hunters these people are emotion their emotional energy is very not if he's not a fame hunter he may not have framed himself with three of his paintings for his zoom call with us july 21 people are emotion have emotional energy is their emotional energy is very strong and it is from the heart that those born on this day express themselves they must beware however of overstepping certain boundaries even they must stop and pause before with respect i kind of misread that okay these people are not

afraid to put it on the line their bravery and steadfastness under fire are outstanding qualities but because they rarely back down from confrontations, they may often be at odds with the authorities or powers that be in their society. Furthermore, they are by nature risk takers and must be aware of succumbing to the temptation of pure thrill seeking for its own sake. At some point they have to rein in their rebellion as rebelliousness a bit it can be a mistake to cramp a person this person's style their spirit is so

dynamic that it will not be suppressed to discipline a child born on this day or attempt to break his or her spirit will not succeed and most certainly will have bad consequences for all concerned. Rather, the understanding parent should nurture and guide the spirit to move in creative directions on its own momentum. A careful line must always be drawn between orders and advice, forcing and leading, making and allowing, telling and suggesting. All right. Michael, how were you? Were you disciplined as a child and how did you react to it?

You know, I think I think I was kind of one of the last generations of that, like Latchkey-esque. You know, we left that my parents worked till five or six. So during the school year, we were home a couple hours but you know during the summer we ate breakfast and left uh came home like around when the street lights came on if we weren't gonna be home to call for a payphone uh the problem so how are these how are these broken down because is there two in the book is there two different july 21s because they kind of play into it you know yeah you feel like you relate to both of them a little bit but i'm still gonna go with one uh now was i disciplined as a kid uh as you were asking yeah i mean i was my dad would be uh

my dad was very frustrated with me as he would not he would tell me exactly what I was about to do wrong. You know, he would see the path, but he would tell me what I was doing, warn me about it. Then I would do it. And then I would get in trouble for it. And that continued on from about 14 to, you know, when I moved out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 18. Yeah. 15. Okay. So you're going to go with choice number one. And what did we say the prize was?

First of all, you're going to get free tickets when I come to Minneapolis to perform. Let's go. Acme Comedy uh or somewhere else and uh what what else we're gonna mail them something let's mail them something too yeah don't you have one of your dumb mugs or something yeah i'll send you a dumb mug i like dumb mugs all right good we should probably go back in here where i don't know what it was you were gonna give but uh i can give him stock tips all right it turns out he is correct now the first one was july 21st here's the crazy thing

i randomly picked another i just won the book and now i can't find the other one i read about the discipline um i don't know. I think it might've been, it was in fall or August. I'll find it later. But anyway, July 21st, man. So that was pretty accurate. I did it. I think it was a cool. Yeah, this is cool. I like that. All right. I'll read a little more now that we know it's your birthday. Performers born on this day. love the excitement of appearing in public. Look where you are right now.

Although this is a small public and are essentially exhibitionists. Now he's going to move away from it. Their performance stance is usually- Isn't a camouflaged outfit the opposite of exhibitionist? What's that? Yeah, that's a good point. Very heady joke. I like it all right let's let's see here i should not look the camel i knew it it's too easy by the way you i love your stuff hold

hold one up to the camera because you're kind of obscuring i appreciate that put up put up your one there. Well this one uh this oh that's nice. Oh boy so this is a painting that say where you have it sideways. Lives matter. Michael you have it sideways by accident. I can't hear him now. Oh we can't hear you talking, but we can hear you talking. We do see all your thin blue line paintings. All right. Very nice. Yeah. That's a tortured soul. There's some anger underneath the flames. There's a lot of colors. All right, Chris, we can't hear you anymore, but thank you for joining us.

We're going to send you some prizes. Well, I got gotta i'll just read the two sentence advice for his sign he needs to know that can you hear us can you oh now i can hear you now i can all right here's the advice for you july 21 people try to get a handle on your propensity for risk taking consider opposing arguments and points of view rather than rejecting them out of hand listen to your dad michael strengthen your center and learn how to reach it at will as you grow older make a gradual transition from the physical to the spiritual yeah okay to be honest that's insanely spot on i mean nice and and I'm not even, I'm not even, I mean,

as far as the holistic and all that, I don't discredit it, but I definitely not a hundred percent believer, but that is weirdly spot on. That's what I said. We're not into this stuff either at all. We're here to change lives. We're here to give out stupid coffee mugs and change lives. Thank you very much guys. I appreciate it. I love you guys. Oh man. Thanks for listening. Thanks. Appreciate it. All right. We'll see you soon.

Go get some sleeves. Okay. Bye-bye. All right. Uh, now let's go to this book, this book. It's dead on. It really is incredible. You're like a Wiccan. OK. All right. Let's get to entertainment, Mike. Here it is. All right. Do we have. let's get straight to it the oscars are tonight so we thought we'd go through and very quickly give our picks so that we can just we can show you

next week who knows entertainment better um now what's going on with the locations and everything i really haven't you know keep in mind mind, I've worked on two Oscars. You'd think, and normally I'm very interested in how they do it, what host, what hosts, what non-host, whatever it is. I have no idea. Based on my interest level, this will have to be, if I'm a reflection of the country, clearly I am, this would have to be the lowest rated oscars of all time well all of

the award shows are like down 40 or 50 and i know the ad sales for the oscars are like they're getting half as much money for a 30 second ad as they usually do right so um all right so i think all right it's going to be in the kodak. It's also going to be in Union Station, which is gorgeous in downtown L.A., very un-L.A. structure with real history and Spanish-influenced architecture and design. Somehow it's going to be there also. And Steven Soderbergh is going to direct it. Yeah, although I saw another director, but maybe it needs multiple directors because of the location. Yeah, they're doing one in New York as well as well i believe we should have really looked into this

you know soderbergh's amazing so uh i'm interested you know so i'm going to be in seattle but uh probably watch it i will be on stage in brea telling jokes they're not into it all right so let's start best picture um the father judas and the black messiah mank minari nomadland promising young woman sound of metal trial of the chicago seven what do you pick eight of them huh okay i'll tell you my favorites uh did i see all jesus christ are you gonna drag this out i saw all of them which is remarkable yeah of course if i say the father i sound like whitey whit white mcwhiterson um i did not like mank i think i like judas and the black messiah no man land and the Father, and Minari. I don't know.

Trial of Chicago 7 won't do it. Sound of Metal I liked. I guess I'm going to go with Nomadland as a prediction. Same with me. I'm going with Nomadland. I think everybody should see Sound of Metal. It's really great. I think that Sacha Baron Cohen, who I consider one of the comedy geniuses of our generation, sucks in the T trial of Chicago 7.

Why try a Boston accent? Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Best director. As a writer, I'd say you'd think I'd say Mank. But as a writer, I thought the father was the most inventive. All right.

So I guess we'll get to that when we get to writing. Director. I don't know if it's nominated uh because it was a play by the way so maybe adapted adapted screenplay but i'm giving the credit to the playwright like oh it's not it's actually not nominated no it's adapted now see but director lee isaac chung for minari emerald finnell for promising young promising young woman i thought was garbage and i'm whatever a lot of people hate when i say that its tone was so off i'm like is it trying to be funny now it was awful yeah it was all over the

place but her performance was fantastic i'll give her that okay um. Lee Isaac Chung for Minari. Emeril Fennell for Promising Young Woman. David Fincher for Mank. Thomas Vinterberg for Another Round. Or Chloe Zhao for No Man Land. That's amazing. So I pick up my daughter last night. And she goes, hey, friends told me about Another Round. I'm like, what?

She said, we started watching it. It seems so cool. Foreign film. And it's about this i don't know really it's about a group that like that tries to keep their blood alcohol above 0.05 or something that's how little i know which i love that's how i'm going to go in but i might watch that uh tonight that's called another another round and holy shit it's in the best director for i can't believe it made it in that category not just you know relegated to the foreign language film category that's three

foreign-born um directors nominated yes at least i don't know about the other ones but okay uh what are you gonna what are you gonna do i'm gonna going to go with Chloe Zhao for Nomadland. Same. Okay. So we're the same. I, by the way, want to point out, I think this will be a very predictable Oscars. Just because people have seen so few of them.

So the ones that have popped have become that much more prominent. Actor. Best actor. Riz Ahmed, Sound of Metal.adwick boseman for ma rainey's black bottom anthony hopkins for the father gary oldman for mank steven yoon for minari they were all good which i i don't think i've ever said about a whole category well maybe i have but you're going with chadwick i'm going how'd you know that yeah i'm going with chadwick because i have a google doc and i saw you fucking put your g next to it

um yeah i mean if i guess i'm trying to compete with you i'm gonna go with chadwick oh you're such an asshole i'm gonna stop writing my initials down before I say it. Hopkins was pretty good. He's won Oscars, right? I'm sure he won an Oscar for Silence of the Lambs. He's won one for Silence of the Lambs. So he may be due for another one. And it is a real acting role. It's clearly an Oscar bait performance.

He's pushed very hard for it which i don't like but uh i don't know i'm all i'm tempted by steven yoon but uh i'm gonna go with chadwick he chadwick was good i did not like ma rainey's black bottom uh but he you know he was good best actress we got viola davis for ma rainey's Black Bottom. Andra Day for United States vs. Billie Holiday. Vanessa Kirby, Pieces of a Woman. Frances McDormand for Nomadland. And Carrie Mulligan, Promising Young Woman. I'm going to go Viola Davis.

Wow, strong. Man, it went to two top categories. You're going with Carrie Mulligan? I'm going with Carrie Mulligan. Oh, boy. I really thought she was amazing in that. And the movie was very heavy-handed. It was like, all right, let's start with a message You're going with Carey Mulligan? I'm going with Carey Mulligan. Oh, boy. I really thought she was amazing in that. And the movie was very heavy-handed.

It was like, all right, let's start with a message and then write a movie around it. Oh. Well, I can't even. It was very, very spotty. It seemed like it had four writers. All right, supporting actor, Sasha Baron Cohen, somehow nominated for Trial of the Chicago 7.

I don't understand that. Why not for Borat? He's flawless in that. I know, I know. Because comedies don't get any respect. Daniel Kaluuya for Judas and the Black Messiah. That's a comedy to some people. Leslie Odom Jr. One night in Miami Paul Rachey sound of metal and Lakeith Stanfield for

Judas and the Black Messiah one night in Miami was so claustrophobic and like kind of like a college essay contest winner like what if they were we see how they all went in history what if we what if it was one night that uh you know like almost picasso at the whatever you know remember that play wasn't that paul the comedian i'm all over the place but picasso at the grand legevin whatever the fuck it was it's like a made-up night right woody allen woody allen did one too about uh forgetting paris or something forgetting paris but yeah but that was forgetting paris but whatever it was yeah the. I don't think it was Forgetting Paris, but whatever it was.

Yeah, the one where it was sort of like Hemingway's Table. With Picasso added. So it's one of those things. But Jesus Christ, man, Leslie Odom Jr. is the real deal. Yeah. But I'm going to go with Kaluuya. I'm going to also go with him.

Even though I would love Paul Rachey to win, I think that it's going to be Daniel Kaluuya because he's on a roll. Best supporting actress. Wait, do you mean, are you referring to Riz Ahmed and Paul Rachey in Sound of Metal? Who was he? Oh, you didn't see Sound of Metal? No, I did, but was he the old guy? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. He's kind of unknown, and he's kind of like, you haven't seen him before, but he's- He was good, but- I think that was Doug Benson's pick. It's a small role, though, right? Yeah. Yep.

All right. that was doug benson's pick it's a small role though right yeah yep all right um maria bakalova from borat glenn close from hillbilly elegy olivia coleman from the father amanda seafield from manc and yu jung yun from minari you see minari by the way what a great film i did you know i saw the the week after the asian uh killings which i'll just call it that in atlanta this was a little close i mean this is about a an asian family moving to arkansas and trying to make it um i'm gonna say uh listen i'm gonna lose one. I was so captivated by Olivia Colman, just her face, even her silent acting. I just couldn't believe how good it was. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to go Olivia Colman.

I know she's not going to win, though. Do you realize, and Doug pointed this out, that Glenn Close has never won an Oscar? She's been nominated like seven or eight times. If you haven't seen, if you're looking for something to binge and you're like, you know, Jesus Christ, I've run out of things to binge. I,

I challenge you to try to watch one episode, the first episode of damages without watching all of it. Okay. She's in it. You've never seen damages. Is it, was it originally on USA? I don't know. it was something like that though

it was a commercial tv i believe but you know oh man i cannot recall a single name today but you know from bridesmaids the irish actress she's in it really young okay and glenn close is a powerhouse in it rose rose rose mcgowan is that what i'm trying to think of anyway you you should see uh yeah chris denman must be taking a shit again totally rose burn rose burn okay she's in it but um so we got you down for uh olivia colman ol Olivia Colman. Okay. Original screenplay, Judas and the Black Messiah. Did you say you're going with Yoon from Minari? Yeah. The old lady. Okay.

Judas and the Black Messiah, Minari, Promising Young Woman, Sound of Metal, Trial of the Chicago 7. Best original screenplay, Mike Gibbons. I'll go first this time. I'm going to say original screenplay. I'm going to go with. I didn't like the screenplay, but it's going to win. Promising young woman.

You're the worst. Yeah. OK, this is how Hollywood thinks you're going to you're going to call me a racist. Honestly, this is the question I would ask. Did voting close on this category before or after the killings in Atlanta? Probably before.

If it closed before, I'm going with Judas and the Black Messiah. If it closed after, I'm going with Minari. In fact, I don't believe you know when the voting closed, so I'm going to go with Minari. Mike's going with Minari. Okay. Mike's going with Minari.

I think that's a good call. That's a good call. You know how often I nail all these things because it's the most reactive, overcompensating group of fucking morons in Hollywood to vote. When I worked at Ellen, I think this is before you were there we had a office wide pool for the oscars and there was you know whatever 75 100 people working there and um i won i fucking won and it was like 20 bucks a head i won a couple grand. Oh, voting closed four days ago. Okay, so then Minari is... Interesting. Yeah, okay.

There's feces all over Chris's keyboard as he rushes to type that in. By the way, there's one movie that was famous for winning, and there was some sort of anonymous poll or whatever, and so few of the Academy saw it. But it was the politically correct vote. Oh, yeah. I'll try to find out what it was.

But that's so typical. Well, that's like with best foreign film. It's always the one that comes from the most war-torn country at that time. Trumped only by a film about the Holocaust. I will say, I think my vote would be for my personal favorite. I think Minari actually is. I did like Judas and the Black Messiah, but I think Minari was very original. It was very original.

It was very heartfelt. I loved the pacing of it. Yeah. Original screenplay. We just did adapted screenplay. Original screenplay, we just did. Adapted screenplay, Borat, The Father, Nomadland, One Night in Miami, or The White Tiger. I've never even heard of that one. I want to see The White Tiger.

It's about race in another country, and it's about a driver who's from a lower class. That's what I get from the images I see. By the way, The Father is in here. Wait, how is Borat an adapted screenplay? What's it adapted from? Oh, interesting. That's weird. Is it because...

Yeah, what the hell's that? Huh. All right, what's your pick for screenplay? I don't know. I don't know. i don't know uh i'm i'm trying to decide Nomadland. Me too. Yeah. Documentary. Here we go.

I've seen two of these. Collective. Maybe I saw Collective. Crip Camp, The Mole Agents, and My Octopus Teacher. My Octopus Teacher and Time. And I saw Time as well. I saw four of these. What's Time about? Time is about a man who is,

it's a young black couple that starts their own store and it's floundering. And so the man robs a bank and gets sent to jail, but it's an extremely long sentence. And he's in jail for like, he's got like a 30 year sentence. And so it's about this woman's fight to try to appeal his case. And it's not big on story, but it captures just this beautifully strong woman who is raising her kids, does a great job raising her kids.

And she's a pillar of the community. And it's kind of about her spirit. Huh. Is the movie longer or shorter than your description? I'm going to say I've seen one. It's my octopus teacher. I don't think, I mean,

I really liked it. I don't think I'm going to go with Crip Camp. Crip Camp is going to be a, I haven't seen it. Crip Camp was amazing. be a... I haven't seen it. Crip Camp was amazing. That's what I've heard. I'm torn between that and The Octopus Teacher. People really love The Octopus Teacher.

You saw it? Yeah, I'm going to go with that. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go with that. I was like, there's no way this is going to hold me for an hour and a half or whatever it was. And it did. I was just amazed that that guy, that South African guy would dive into the water. Do you have any idea how cold the water is in South Africa?

It is like I put my, I was in South Africa a couple of times. I put my foot in the water and I had shooting pains going up my leg. And this guy would dive in every day with no wetsuit for like an hour. They say it gets easier and easier. That's one of the, everyone does these cold plunges in the morning and stuff. I cannot, I couldn't do it. I remember thinking once, this is what a pussy I am. I remember thinking like, all right, I'm a, I'm a prisoner of war.

They caught me. My plane went down or whatever. Oh yeah. You're going to put me up against a box spring and run electricity through it. Bring it on. Like I could take those charges. And then I'm like, what are you're gonna put me up against a box spring and run electricity through it bring it on like I could take those charges And then I'm like, what are you talking about? You're the big like? Honestly, if you were to do you're like we're gonna get information out of you

I'd be cuffed to be like, okay Good luck and they took me in a room and it was just a bed frame a wooden heavy bed frame And they were like go stub your toe. I'm like, what do you want to know? I'd be like yeah, no, here's the here's the sequence to the the nukes i they're all in oklahoma what else i'm not i won't even do it i won't even do it the first time never mind you're gonna have me do it a hundred times till my toes are broken and the same thing with like they just i'm handcuffed is that really your vision of what torture is telling somebody to walk into a bed frame but that's all it would take in other words you don't have to hook a battery up to my nipples or my genitals or like take off my fingernails or or even way more heinous with stuff when i was a kid and i would go to the dentist and they would be drilling

a cavity i would to to put up with the pain. I would have this fantasy that I was a soldier and they were trying to get information and, and I would not want to sell out my country. And so I would put up with the pain. And do you know what the really funny thing is? That you would say, fuck you.

And then an Asian, Asian expletive to your dentist over and over and over again. No, the funny thing is I still do it. I still do it. It's like this weird fantasy that lets me take the pain. What's weird is you sign up for that once or twice a year. And I wear a camouflage vest when I show up. So here's another one. I'muffed i'm like you get fucking nothing out of me you're fucking rust ruskies whatever that whoever's caught me you krauts you're getting nothing out of me and then i all of a sudden i walk me into a bathroom and i hear water running

i'm like oh waterboarding you think that's gonna work with me do you know how long i can hold my breath also i know you're not really drowning me i I'm just going to, and I'm like, no, no, no, just get in there. It's a cold shower. I'm like, what? What do you want to know? What am I, Anthony Robbins? Fuck you. What do you want to know?

Let me get out my diary. Wait, can't you just hold me upside down and fucking run the shower in my face? At least my adrenaline. You want me to just gingerly step into a freezing shower i'll tell you anything you want all right we're gonna skip original song which means grip camp all right we're gonna go to cinematography i would say easily I don't know news of the world though will they be

will they feel will all these cowards feel obligated to give Tom Hanks some nod with news of the world maybe they love him also Mank was actually very well shot it was

beautiful but oh you don't know i'm gonna get i'm gonna go ah nomadland was so meditative though i'm gonna go with mank you talked me into it all right i think i've got this locked up all right now oh best international feature film another round better days collective the man who sold I think I've got this locked up. All right, now, oh, Best International Feature Film, Another Round, Better Days, Collective, The Man Who Sold His Skin, and Quo Vadis Aida. That one? Listen, we don't have to vote on this. The only reason I told you to put it back in was because I didn't think Another Round

was in another category, but I've been told Another Round by my daughter who's seen most of it. That's the review. She didn't get to finish the movie, but I heard it's very interesting. So I'm going to just put that in there to say everyone should try to see Another Round. I'm really glad we kept that section because that was compelling, Mike. Thank you. Well, I wouldn't have remembered it otherwise.

All right, here's the part we got to figure out. What does the winner get from the loser? Should we say lunch at Penmar? Let's do lunch at Penmar. Lunch at Penmar. Okay, let's get to Florida, man. All right, we've talked about this way too much today. But Florida, you know what?

Should we skip the transgender? Let's skip it and just do the Lindsay one. Okay, but I do want to say this. This was interesting. There's a Fairness in Women's Sports Act, and it bans transgender female athletes from competing on women's athletic teams in both high school and college sports.

So that would be your Caitlyn Jenner example, right? This is the interesting, this is your homework assignment. Everybody think about this. This is the interesting part of the sentence. Although transgender male athletes may still compete on either team. So that is a cis female transitioning to a male they're kind of like yeah knock yourself out go go strap on your cleats and put a football helmet on no issue hey that's what that says so yeah lindsey lohan's father has been arrested for alleged well this was your story why don't you uh you follow the lohan still arrested for alleged quote patient brokering meaning he is accused of bringing addicts to drug treatment centers just imagine this lindsey lohan one of the biggest stars in the world and her fucking dad is dragging addicts to drug treatment centers in florida in exchange for illegal kickbacks

he's 60 was booked friday and is the latest and more than a hundred people arrested as part of a palm beach county probe uh of the of the uh treatment industry he faces five counts of patient brokering and one count of attempted patient brokering the documents include references to checks worth over 25 000 paid to low hand in the original scheme and i i've read about florida has become this cottage industry addicts in florida i didn't know that it's where you go when you're addicted and if you're from there it's where you get addicted and and people go down there and they set up these fucking they just buy a house with as many bedrooms as they can get. And then they get certified in a day to be a drug treatment facility. And then Medicare pays you, you know, 10 grand a month for every person that you put in the house.

It doesn't. It has so few specifications about what drug treatment you actually give them. what drug treatment you actually give them. And they milk it by running tests on them, these extremely expensive tests about addiction. And they get paid off on each of those. So, I mean, talk about the lowest of the low. This guy, Michael Lohan, he's like Joey Buttafuoco. Long Island produces some of the biggest fucking douche bag. They are a gateway to Florida, Long Island.

An attempted patient brokering. That's interesting. Maybe trying to get his addict daughter in one of them. Right. Right. Maybe the attempted patient brokering is, okay, first I have to get you addicted to something. Then I'm going to set you up, man.

It's like the Steve Martin joke. I've been doing a lot of work with unwed mothers, you know, just helping them get their start. I never heard that. That's great. Yeah, Lohan. Wow. I mean, yeah, his daughter, I believe, has gone through multiple rehabs. And so, boy, to like how furious if she has her head on straight now, which I don't know she does.

How I mean, you know, you've you know about programs and addiction. you know you've you know about programs and addiction it's like you know you and you know all the rules of how vulnerable these people there's rules set up like don't even date someone here because that's how vulnerable you are right right and then you're going to be moved around with and your interest is the last one being considered. Yeah. It's really, I mean, she must, as an addict, she must really be infuriated, I imagine. Yeah, she's kind of got her shit somewhat together. She's got a reality show. It's kind of a targe reality show.

I forget what it's about. Didn't she open like a club in Mykonos or something? Yeah, I think it's about running this nightclub. I forget. But, boy, I thought she was dead. She seemed like she was going to die. Maybe, listen, America, everyone does, but America especially loves a comeback.

Maybe, and she can act. So maybe there's a comeback. I don't know. Yeah, absolutely. She could just become one of those people that's just famous, you know, who just does things and makes money with branding and social media and whatever else. All right. I'm going to call it this wins best documentary in 2025.

This story. You got it. Let's skip down. Let's skip all the way down to business. down let's skip all the way down to business where bitcoin bitcoin in one week went to six from 60 000 down to 50 000 yikes yep so uh some people see it as a buying opportunity other people see it as there's new players in the uh in the space and that perhaps like many technologies one company comes in and they break new ground and they introduce the technology and then other ones come in that are better

and end up being the industry leaders. But also, wasn't there whispers about Biden, like, floating the idea of taxing? Taxing and regulating. Yeah. Yeah. So, we'll see. Going to our Investopedia contest. Oh, God.

Nick Allen, still leading. He is at, what's he at now? He's down $20,000. He's down 10% this past week, down to $200,000. So he has doubled the $100,000 he started with. And we have a new loser. Me? No. Oh no oh geez look at my chart holy shit i'm down to 94 775 oh shit 94 you uh i'm 284 284 out of 370 that's good yeah

how are other people doing worse new loser haunted jay is down to twenty thousand dollars i really believe haunted jay and nick allen are trying to lose money which by the way you can make money by being good at losing money you can short if you're sure if you're shorting everything and your daughter your lovely daughter olivia is in 17th place she's at 112 000 why don't you let her handle the money in the house what an idiot and just optimistic it's gonna go up which has been right for 15 years oh you know everything's everything's sound by the way i'm sure i'm sure uh india isn't a financial player on the globe. Everything's set, guys.

Hey, by the way, all the companies, every week people are going to be like, oh, my God, AM, that movie chain went out of business? Wait a minute. What? That went out of business? Why would it go out of business? Everything's doing so fucking great. Yeah, I know.

I know. The can has been kicked down the road it can only be kicked so far they were hoping this was the end of this pandemic it's fucking far from the end of the pandemic yeah and the third wave could be coming folks not to be a naysayer but uh we're open you know people are opening up it's spring which helps but also everything's being loosened up, and we'll see. We'll see. Wait until next flu season when you realize, oh, my God, this is just a vaccine like the flu vaccine. But it's not foolproof.

Whatever. Go ahead. Short the market. Go ahead. Let's do Ask Amy. Okay. This is a short one i don't even have any i didn't even really look at it i just pasted it in there but i uh here we go dear amy when asked if you like the new dish that someone has served you how can you say no politely if i am not honest i might be served this dish again and again does it matter if the

person asking is extended family member or friend signed am i rude well you're not irish because there's no such thing as a bad dish you bring food to my house i fucking thank you and i eat that shit i don't care how bad can it be yeah also i'm not one of those people. It's so hard to offend me or offend my taste buds with a dish. Yeah. You take less of it. You just take less. If she's bringing a dish, you know, have a bite, feed some to the dog and move on. Don't be fucking rude. I mean, the person knocked them. If you if you made a dish and brought it to a house you believe it's good right yeah well by the way they could have hosted also same

thing you uh sometimes bring stuff over but it's usually just shit you bought at costco it's rare that you prepare something and it's foolproof dude that's right and there's lots of it i had a big quinoa my quinoa my no you bring salads you bring salads i'm pretty good at those i'm pretty good at those yeah not great at sounding like a sort of straight aggro male when i when i brag about my salads but uh nevertheless they kind of kill it man yeah yeah um letters to the editor oh yeah wait there's a paper there we go okay joanne i seem to really have a crush on these guys well hey now it's still in this it's still in the scene category but okay uh we'll it. Did we ever talk about hooking you and Joe? You're single. We can hook you up with

Joanne at some point. You think it would be too much pressure? I tend not to date women that have a crush on you also. That's a little rule I have when I brag about storming the Capitol on the dating apps. We never dated the same woman, did we?

No. It sounds like such a bro thing to say. You've always been in long-term relationships. You're a serial monogamist. If you like labels, I guess you could say that. Not lately, though. Yeah, well, there was one monogamous relationship it was called marriage uh that lasted a while that was 14 years 14 years so you can say that was a successful marriage people always say that it failed but no you had 14 years you raised two kids you raised two great

kids you know yeah and so she got in a very suspicious car accident that ended it it's fine and the one before that fell down a staircase with an owl attached to her head i've been saying on stage i i've been going on stage and saying uh uh so i've been married uh 21 years and then there's always like a big round of applause and i go three different wives total of 21 years you think alike i i did one which was i did one i'm talking like a stand-up but when you let me do stand-up i did one which was like uh i go oh the topic of marriage comes up like actually let's tell you june was like wow wow, four, it's 15 years,

15 years ago, been married and never been happier. And huge applause. Oh, I got divorced in 2014. I left that out. That's why. They're all like,

Oh, Oh, geez. Uh, Boyd bowl says, Hey Fitz, heard you, heard you Sunday mentioned that you use a baseball bat for protection. A lot of the time people get beat with their own bat.

I said that. Make sure you put a sock on the end of that thing. So if the perp tries to grab it from you, it'll slip out of his hand. So that is one of the disturbing details like the guy i told you i know was like yeah dude watch it with that gun because you know you shoot someone on your front porch if they're trying to get in you know you're getting a lot of trouble he's like dude everyone knows you have to drag him in the house after you shoot it's like these people have thought it through yeah that's a genius move with the with the sock right yeah there's a whole training that uh my nephew did about uh home invasion it was my nephew

somebody told me they got a gun and you go into the desert tell the bb gun story again with your nephew let's go on to this next one by the way but how many how many socks do you need on the bat you only get one try right i guess you're just gonna beat a guy to death who's holding a sock that's the goal i'm also thinking i'm hoping to hit the guy hard enough that a sock would slip off the end of it. Or stick in his skull bones. Right, right. All right. All right, this week, this is from Damon. This week you talked about how it's comforting

to remind yourself that you are going to die. And I know that sounds dark, but he said in Bhutan, happiest country in the world, they say contemplating death five times a day brings happiness. There's even an iPhone app I enjoy called We Croak that will send you a reminder five times a day that you are going to die. No, but seriously, every time I'm stressed out about something that's about to happen that I don't have control over, I just stop and I go, I'm going to fucking die. You know, what's the big deal? I don't think that always works.

Like you feel a lump and you're all worried and then ding, it's like, you're going to die. Whoa, that's not good timing. Yeah, right, right. You feel a little chest pain while you're walking down the street ding uh yeah well how do you want to die um i don't know apparently alzheimer's according to uh the, is not an easy way out. Oh, that would be the worst. Alzheimer's would be the worst. I guess eventually you're, you know, unaware and blissful, but you're pretty angry going through that transition.

Right. So, and frustrated. Yeah. I don't know. I don't want to die. I don't know. I have a feeling I'm going to die in a car crash. I just have this vision of a car crash and me dying.

Although, it's pretty hard to die in a car these days with the airbags. Maybe not your Prius. Yeah. That could be pretty easy. Yeah. Boy, I was driving last night. I picked up Olivia. We were on the 10. Dude, three cars. And thankfully you could hear them coming like like, you know, like then we drove down main street and people are everywhere but people are out there um like they haven't been for a year yeah and man when i say this car was weaving in and out it was like a video game to this dude yeah yeah olivia was like

i'm never going on the freeway after 10 p.m like it was crazy dude do you remember the the west side highway the people that would come in from dude do you remember the the west side highway the people that would come in from new jersey and drive up the west side highway and they would go 120 miles an hour on a windy three-lane road narrow narrow it was crazy and it was always like it was always like a honda with fucking mud flaps and tinted windows and fat wheels that they put some kind of a corvette engine into i'm very at the moment against mustangs and chargers and i can't decide who's a bigger douchebag no mustang drivers are cool charger old ones maybe i don't think the new ones i don't know i may get one oh god finally dave g says

even though i agree with the point made that jewish people don't tend to be known for the murdering a couple they're killing it in uh media a couple notables who did come to mind and i figured it'd give me excuse to chime in not sure if the son of sam would be considered an assassin but david Berkowitz was a Jewish killer. That's pretty valid, I have to say. Plus, Jack Ruby was a Jew. Okay. Yeah.

So I guess some people just want to, they want to make sure the Jews are included. If there's going to be some bad press. Sorry to leave them out. Yeah. Yeah, Jack Ruby, I guess. it if you're if you're gonna if there's gonna be some bad press sorry to leave them out yeah uh yeah jack ruby i guess i mean berkowitz is impressive yeah that was in uh as a matter of fact it's the area of the bronx that i was born in that my mother is from called throg's neck that's where the son of sam killing killings all happened well i mean it was all of new york was afraid yeah it was like the sacramento like the golden state killer whatever his name like it was and this is new this is the tri-state

area one of one of the biggest cities in the world send in your corrections um and it was all anyone was talking about and uh you know uh spike lee did a really good movie about it actually what was that do the right thing i think it was it called son of sam summer it was called summer of sam i think oh i think you're right yeah and i don't always love his stuff i'll go see any spike lee movie because he always goes for it he's a fucking interesting filmmaker sometimes he doesn't hit but when he does it's it's really great let's do an obituary and that's all folks there you go uh sad sad news uh les mccown who was uh joined the bay city rollers in 1973 when he was a teenager he was 17 years old he was a fucking worldwide phenomenon several years after the pock rock band was formed and they were being beginning to break through um he uh they released their debut album rolling and began having hits playing up

their scottishness by wearing tartan trimmed outfits the rollers began crossing over to u.s success with saturday night saturday night there it is s-a-t-u-r-A-Y. Night. The front desk better have been called just now, complaining about your room in that hotel. It hit number one in 1975. They followed it with Money Honey and I Only Wanna, I Only Wanna Be With You. Oh, that's them? Yep.

And he left the band in 78 when the success was waning. That's what you do, baby. Fucking dismount. So anyway, I just thought this was great because when I was 10, which would have been when they were big, there was a girl named Cindy Vieira and Lourdes Garrido. They were Portuguese chicks in Tarrytown, and they were super hot, even at 10.

And me and my friend Josh Barker were trying to get in tarrytown and they were super hot even at 10 and uh me and my me and my friend josh barker were trying to get in with them but they paid us no mind but then we found out they were going to the bay city rollers concert down in the city i can't remember which venue it was it was my and so we bought tickets it was my first concert and we went there to try to get cindy and lordez and uh and we got there and they were fucking screaming they had tears they were crying they had they had uh the big thing was you would bring a um a plaid scarf like a wool scarf and you would wave it back and forth and we fucking brought scarves we bought fucking scarves and we waved them just trying to get some fucking 10 year old to like us

we might be talking about the same summer as summer of sam i'm not even kidding you uh but they were huge so that i want to amend my statement all anyone was talking about was the bay city rollers and berkowitz people hated hated the Bay City Rollers. And it's pretty humiliating when I talk to people and that question always comes up, what was your first concert? And one person's like, oh yeah, I saw the fucking Doobie Brothers

or I saw, you know, Grand Funk Railroad or something. And I got to say the Bay City Rollers. Well, you're, I think, probably most jealous of my first concert, which was Madison Square Garden, The Kinks. No. Yeah. How old were you?

48. No, it was ninth, eighth, eighth or ninth grade. Yeah. Kinks used to play out a lot we used to see the kinks all the time because remember the uh westchester premier theater was in tarrytown it was like a 3 000 seat theater and they would get big bands and uh allman brothers would play there once a year kinks would play there once a year um who else did i see i'm forgetting what song they had they had a hit which explains madison square garden they had come out with an album so it's probably the kinks last

hit and that and it was it was a huge show you know just everyone singing along to lola like it was amazing wow yeah they were great and they and they did uh they didn't do full songs in concert the kinks always did uh uh what do you call it when you go from part of a song to part of a song uh medley a medley they used to do medleys huh yeah and they were the original in a way their original oasis in that two brothers in the band fighting fucking constantly yeah yeah um so let's get to it the funnies there's how we wrap it up let's start with our friends cover that the bay city rollers guy died he died i don't know how he died he was 65 he's dead all right wait funnies

did you put any funnies in here no because somehow like i tried to drag and drop them into the dock and it wasn't accepting it so i'm just gonna i'm gonna describe it to you and you'll just have to oh my god well you know what that looks like to me on this side there's one funny in here which is the family circus which i pasted in and i i am going to propose we don't even look at family circus anymore it's really i mean i we're not cherry picking bad ones all right we'll get to in a minute all right start with the lockhorns who i always love ler and Loretta, they're at marriage counseling. They try, but you know what? They fucking hate each other.

They're at marriage counseling, okay. Leroy fucking hates Loretta, but somehow they try. So she's talking to the shrink and she goes, Leroy still holds the door for me, but only when I'm leaving. These are tight jokes i know i know they're fucking great there's another one uh all right this one is leroy is looking he's just come in the door he's still got his briefcase in his hand. He's wearing his suit. Loretta is fucking scowling at him as he looks into a pot that she's cooking. And he goes, leftovers? So it's true.

Criminals do return to the scene of a crime. Okay. He hates her. He fucking hates her. All right. Let's do a, I pulled up a kathy just because i always forget how much i hate this cartoon it's just about this sad middle-aged woman who lives with her mother and it's just everything a woman should you think about your daughter reading the cartoons and

kathy is some kind of role model i always picture kathy as like a teenager so she's a middle-aged woman she ages she's one of the few cartoons that ages through the series of the uh of the cartoon Like teenagers. She's a middle-aged woman. She ages. She's one of the few cartoons that ages through the series of the, of the cartoon. I guess she's in her twenties in this one. Maybe she's in her twenties. I didn't know she was that old. Yeah.

She's in her twenties. So she says, my friends all hurry home from work to be with their husbands. They plan every day around spending time with their children. It makes me feel it's time to make some big changes in my own mom. I think I'm finally ready to make a commitment and the mother bursts she goes oh sweetie you mean you're you're and kathy goes i'm gonna get a dog mom collapses mom go away i want to be alone with my happiness boy that's dark yeah yeah i'm shocked it's not a cat, but okay.

All right, let's do some family circus. You can do it. I don't even understand. So this little fucker, I was like, did he dye his hair? Oh, look at that. He's got dark hair. No, but then what I guess I'm deducing here is this is a neighbor kid that has the same shitty body type as her kids. Oh, my God.

This fucking lazy Jeff Keen. He just cut and pasted dark hair on Billy. Whoever it is. Yeah. So this kid is pulled up on a tricycle. He's old for a tricycle, by the way. Yeah, he is. And the mom has opened the door and is looking down at him and says to the little boy who's standing on the stoop looking up,

she says, the boys are out with their dad and Dolly is having lunch. Dolly is having lunch. And so written underneath is the boy's response, which is, okay, then do you want to ride bikes? Aw. But what's aw? Aw like, I wish I had that time back? Or like, aw, something's wrong with Jeff and or Bill Keene,

and they need help. Like they, that's what the all would be I think the all was why didn't we get into the cartoon business 30 years ago think about how good we'd be at golf think about how fat we'd be from eating out every day on these fat checks but it's called a job because there's work to do so let's say you put that in the mom's mouth the boys are out with their dad and dolly's having lunch that's when you kind of scratch your head and you sit there for a few minutes maybe longer till you get the answer like you get a funny response yeah no work there work. There's just no work done. No, whenever you hear people talk about comedians, the definition is always, there are people that see life through a different lens.

Jeff Keen has the same lens as everybody else. I think he has the lens of a fat, dyed-haired kid who would then say, all right, do you want to ride bikes? And that's just what it is and the laziness if you're not watching this on youtube you should because you have to see this fucking kid who is billy he's just he looks like he's wearing a wig yeah lazy all right i mean i don't know i'll look at it each week, but maybe I should find another funny or whatever. These are the funnies, right? All right. Here's Blondie, and it's a little bit of a throwback Blondie.

She's sitting with the family, which is very, very rare. You almost never see the kids in Blondie. I don't know why they never included them. I don't know if I've ever seen them. Very rarely. With that figure, I didn't know they had kids i know i know she protects it so they're sitting at the dinner table and dagwood says gee that was a wonderful dinner blondie daughter goes yeah mama everything was delicious son goes great dinner mom then blond goes, I'm glad everybody liked it. Now, who will help me with the dishes?

Fucking table empties. And she goes, now you see them, now you don't. How about you leave, Blondie? How about you pack your fucking stuff and you go find a man who treats you with dignity and when your kids want custody on the weekends, tell them to go do some fucking dishes. How about that?

That's a good fix. I like that. It's just how much longer can she put up with this shit? It's like it's not only from Dagwood. He's setting an example for the kids that you can be a lazy fucking bore who doesn't appreciate not only the hottest wife in the newspaper, but the greatest mom. She actually went into catering later in her life because she's so good at cooking and these fucking maggots, they leave the table.

Unbelievable. You know, the backstory and everything. Um, poor, poor blondie. I know. I know.

Right. Anyway. All right, Mike, listen, it's a great time. I'm in Philly. We're Anyway. All right, Mike, listen. This is a great time. I'm in Philly. You were supposed to do a short one again.

We did exactly two hours to the second we did two hours. I don't know. We were talking about doing a short one for a few minutes at the beginning. I don't know if we did two hours. We rambled before you started screaming. Before we started the show we were talking for a little while less than two hours all right so listen uh enjoy la i'll be back there tomorrow and uh enjoy the oscars everybody we'll check out our picks for next week see who's taking

who to the uh to the golf course for lunch yeah i'm going uh i'm gonna enjoy Seattle. I think that's what you meant. Have fun, man. Enjoy Seattle. I'm psyched. Have a blast. Good luck in Philly. I hope you have a good show tonight. Yeah, a couple shows, and then I'm back. Okay, thanks as always. We'll also thank you to Michael McDonald, who called in on the show,

who I think was a big hit. He seemed like a good guy. We'll have to decide. You guys reach out. Let us know if you like the new segment. Maybe we'll do it again. Don't forget to send him a mug. And we're going to send him a mug.

I got to get his address. All right. Well, thanks to Midcoast Media, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops, who do an outstanding job. Don't forget, support the podcast by going to Sunday. Here's how you get $20 off your first month. You go to getsunday.com slash papers. $20 off your custom plan. Do it.

All right, we'll see you next week, Mike. Take it easy. Take it easy. It's a motherfucking Sunday. Motherfucking paper. I am.