Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 61 5/2/21

Episode Date: May 2, 2021

We crush on the Winklevoss twins and have a beautiful guest play the birthday game and ask out Mike. Brought to you by http://Audible.com/Papers and http://HelloFresh.com/Papers12 Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime 

Hey, you're listening to the Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike, oh yeah. So get ready, cause here it comes. Greg's about to scream, read all about it. And Mike will cover his ears like he didn't see it coming i mean come on man i hear you i see you see we should save all this this is this is gold i know we need the extra time and the podcast why don't we how about this you ready uh for the editor. Let's, right where we started 30 seconds ago, make that the top, and now, Greg, do your crazy scream, and they'll hear a little, it'll be a nice little insight into how unprofessional we are. Read all about it! Read all about it! Kansas City Times, top stories this week. Caitlyn Jenner.

Wow. Go ahead. You're going to billboard the show? Top story. Mike Gibbons has not eaten breakfast yet. No, I'm a little behind. We're doing this early. How's Kansas City?

Oh, look at you. That's classic Mike Gibbons. There. Fucking flip it. Talking about you. Sucking nuts out of your teeth with your tongue. I might be. People don't know.

People don't know. They can't see this, right? Let's talk about you. Last weekend, we left off Mike Gibbons. He was on his way to the Pacific Northwest to look at some colleges. I haven't talked to you since then. You just flipped it back to me in a different area. I don't like this. Yes,'t talked to you since then. You just flipped it back to me in a different area. This, I don't like this. I went to Seattle, had never been to Seattle somehow because I'm,

I don't know. I feel a kinship with the Northwest and boy, Seattle blew me away. It was amazing. We were only there two full days, one night, but it was really impressive. was really impressive. It's amazing. Did you get decent weather? We did. We got rain and sun. It was like we had six days of weather in a day and a half.

Yeah. But really sunny walk around the city on Sunday, which was great. University of Washington, gorgeous. Very good school. A lot of East Coast people I don't think realize how good it is and how like highly regarded it is. And then, you know, did all the tourist spots, went to the space needle and things like that. But yeah, it was very cool. Did you make it to the Hendricks museum?

Did not. And then I think it was at one time, maybe a rock and roll museum, but now it's the museum of pop culture, Frank Gehry designed. So you see these crazy warped buildings, these shapes. And so we walked around that, but didn't feel the need to go in. And people kind of had said, if you don't have much time, you don't have to go in. But that's right near the Space Needle.

So we did that. And yeah, it was just Sophieie and myself it was a great time how's the homeless situation in seattle it's interesting you asked that like a few people like yeah you know we're coming back a little like from what and uh i guess yeah they the virus hit hard up there but also to tell you the truth it looked like the west side of Los Angeles. Like, in other words, we felt at home. The homeless are everywhere. But they're more than everywhere here. It's got to be tough.

If I was homeless, there's no way I would live in a place like Seattle where it gets, it snows, it sleets, it rains constantly. I mean, you come to the west side of la you get how many days of rain have we gotten this year three i know it's absurd no i i don't and in la somebody like all of a sudden someone's complaining about all the homeless like in brentwood and you know obviously downtown i understand because that a lot of the shelters are and services but i don't understand culver city homeless people like why wouldn't you come to the beach right because they move their tents out onto the beach you know and that's that's a nicer place to lay down i don't know i'm not homeless i'm not an expert i'm not even an expert on camping i think it's also i

think there's a lot of nuts at the beach. There's a lot more hostile, druggy kind of homeless people, as opposed to Culver City, where I think you've got people that are more suburban. Yeah, those are the filmgoer homeless. So they like being near the theaters there. Yeah. Yeah, they're into old Hollywood.

You know, Chaplin. Hey, I'm living in front of where chaplain lived yes those homeless it's such a bad problem oh my god yeah it's bad i don't know what the solution is you know what you one solution that they've come up i don't know if we've talked about this but there's a bill in front of the state Senate right now for converting public golf courses. And Penmar is the first one on the list into public housing. Wow. Yeah.

Well, I also heard this week that they are doing parks and I guess some baseball, little league baseball fields, they've started doing that. So they have these, but it's like, I don't know. It seems to me the first instinct is don't put homeless near young children. I mean, that a golf course sounds like a better idea. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to justify the amount of land a golf course takes up and how few people actually use it. You know, like it's like to justify the amount of land a golf course takes up and how few people actually use it you know like it's it's like you know in a day you've got maybe about uh

uh 150 people use the course and it is the land equivalent of a small town and it's prime real estate and the demographics are uh are intensely white actually not penmar penmar is very diverse no penmar is diverse that's because it's you know it's it's the people's course it's like 16 bucks to play around or something 10 at twilight the best is they have a twilight rate at three o'clock and dennis is so cheap dennis gubbins our friend oh the guy at the line on the vaccines and yeah yeah so in december when it gets dark out at 5 30 he'll tee off at 4 30 and and play the last three holes in pitch dark just to save six dollars it's called frugal i like it i like it a lot he had a comedy night there this past wednesday oh how did it go it was packed but uh the crowd the crowd

was a lot of hipsters on blankets and i stopped by like i wasn't there long at all but uh one guy i saw so dennis comes over he's like it was brutal and he goes I think I can share this he goes it was brutal he's like I kind of even got a little flop sweats or whatever it's called like you know during the opening like there just wasn't anything coming back and a lot of people there with their dogs so you've done it there you hosted a night there it's like so when you're doing blankets and there's different levels that go out. So the people in the back are on like the first tee and, and they have their dogs and they're chatting and all that. And anyway, I saw one guy he closed this and maybe this is the oldest joke in the world.

I had never heard it though. He's like, all right, you've been great. Not tonight, but I'm sure at some point in your life, you guys have been great. Not tonight, but I'm sure at some point in your life, you guys have been great. Yeah. I thought it was so funny. I think that's that guy, Lachlan. Is he a tall, tall, good looking guy with a beard? I don't know.

He has dark hair. He was playing golf out there. I don't know if you were. Oh, I know who it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Short, quirky guy with uh curly black hair right right been around for a while though you know it's um it's that setup it's got one small speaker and it's got and it's outside so i think that there's a point of

diminishing returns on the crowd getting too big i think you only want about 40 people packed in the picnic tables once they're on fucking blankets with dogs it's not woodstock you need you need people's attention i had a guy i'm in kansas city this week and uh i know i tried to ask you about it but but i then i got a huge character flaw of mine was brought up, and then it was put back on a Seattle trip. I'm sitting here happy, picking food out of my teeth, and you fucking pull a jiu-jitsu move on me. You're just trying to stall until your Ritalin kicks in. It has to kick in soon. Quit coffee this week.

Not good. Yes, yes. How was the headaches? Well, I told you about it uh you can you don't have to pretend that you didn't that i didn't talk to you about my depression this week um it it you know it turns out you need energy to be positive yeah and uh look who i'm talking to and so anyway i underplayed it because i wasn't drinking that much coffee. I'm not at a job where it's like, holy shit, I need my sixth cup at like 3pm. So there's no writer's room going on. And I'd say I averaged one and a half a day because some days I'd have one. that physically addicted to it. And oh my God, really bad headache, which kind of triggered a migraine, but, but also like a, you know, like anyone who gets down. And this is the only reason I'm sharing this is I know a lot of our, our viewers write in about how they're, how they're

down during all this. But when you get down, even like temporarily, well, one thing I wondered, of course, is like, is this permanent? And then then it's kind of being really stoned and then the other thought is maybe this is my baseline and coffee was picking me up and that thought crossed my mind but then i don't know i'm feeling better now uh are you exercising we well we played we played tennis this week but other than that yeah we played paddle tennis yeah I am but even exercising it was a bad two days but I'm good I'm good

minor complaints obviously but beware maybe when you're older too it affects you more yeah I couldn't even dream I've been on this antidepressant for like I don't know 15 years and I've been on this antidepressant for like, I don't know, 15 years. And I've been tapering off of it very slowly.

And if any of you are on antidepressants and you wanna go off of them, literally go off like per week, take a fifth of the pill off of what you normally take. So it should take you five weeks to get off the pill. That's my recommendation. Talk to your psychopharmacologist. Don't go off too fast, but I feel better than when I was, I've been foggy on it and I feel more sharp, more grounded. I think, I think, I think antidepressants should be for a certain period of time.

I don't think you should take them for the rest of your life unless you absolutely have to. So wait, what are you, so what are you, are you converting to another one? Are you going off antidepressants? I take a couple and I'm going off one of them. You, I have to say, you do look like you're in a hospital room right now, especially with the hat and then that chair in the background. It looks like, it like you're in a hospital room right now especially with the hat and then that chair in the background it looks like it looks like a very nice hospital room i look like i'm on hospice right with my fucking white skin is our last podcast my cancer hat my

cancer haircut my no i like the hat back on i like the hat yeah is it too itchy no it's not itchy it just it looks like every woman that has breast cancer no it's it's not that it also looks like guys with aids in the last stage i don't beat yourself up it's not that it's not the hat that you attracted the guy that gave you the aids certainly not it's after you got it little tom hanks in philadelphia feel but you were just there maybe that you got influenced by it i um this hat was knit for me by a fan of mine from seattle as a matter of fact there's a there's a sense there's a woman that's been coming to my shows for 20 years oh every time i play there she comes out and she always brings me gifts and she knit me this hat. Isn't that nice? That's amazing. That's very cool. Well, definitely wear it. I'm glad you put it back on.

So anyway, all good. I had some other thought. Yeah, I'm cloudy as fuck also. Sorry for the cursing. Well, I'm in Kansas City drinking a phenomenal amount of coffee. Just look around the goddamn just coffee what a hospital room look at that place i see your jello you have to eat i also see a little cup full of meds still greg you gotta take them jeremy stop fucking coughing my roommate is going down fast couldn't get the private, could you? The best part about quitting coffee, I think you can relate, is the first cup of coffee back. So that's what's keeping me going.

So one time I did a plan. Anybody out there, I'm already falling asleep listening to me make this podcast. But anyway, anyone with advice on it but my plan is to occasionally have coffee because boy when you're not on coffee and you have one it is gangbusters it's the best now it's like sex when you're married probably i hope to have it a little more than once every two months, but I'm thinking like never have it two days in a row. Like in other words, build in a system, right. I don't get physically addicted again, you know? Right. Right. Absolutely. If you can do that, it depends on your personality.

I have an addictive personality. If I do something, I have to do it all the time. Like this podcast, right? I'm in Kansas city, by the way where a guy well first of all there's uh i went to an applebee's yesterday which i hadn't been to an applebee's since i started out i saw you post that i saw you i haven't liked it yet but i saw you posted it so many comments holy shit people have an opinion about applebee's and uh i had this waitress and she comes over and she's got her mask on i've got my mask on and uh and she starts flirting

with me she's like uh how do you live around here and blah blah blah and then i tell her i'm a comedian which i normally don't do i usually don't tell people i'm a comedian because it just leads to having the same fucking conversation over and over again. Except when you're flirting. Six questions. You know, like, how'd you get started? Who's your favorite comedian? How come you couldn't sell out the late show Friday? And why did you tip 12 percent? Why do you keep staring at my tits? What up with that hat so she was kind of cute and she starts flirting with me coming back asking and you know asking me uh do i want to get the brownie sure you don't want to get the brownie but and so eventually i get the food so i take my mask down

and then she stops flirting with me i I was like, is it that bad? Oh no. Are my eyes, my eyes are attractive, I guess, but I think the mask was covering my Turkey neck and my fucking wrinkles around my mouth. Oh man. I, I would reverse your tapering of that antidepressant very quickly if I were you. Maybe it was all the food stuck in your teeth.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I had a guy last night who was shit-faced drunk and kept laughing about 15 seconds after each punchline. And then I come outside to leave the show and he's still out front and he's now leaning against the wall of the club vomiting oh and and which is like and he was way too old to be vomiting i mean like that's that's if you're in your early 20s i'll let you slide this guy was in his 30s you should not still be fucking throwing up from drinking in your thirties. That's commitment, man. I like it. He's staying the course. And so he comes and then he wipes his mouth and he comes over and he goes, Hey man, can I get a selfie? And he like reaches for it. I go, no, man,

I'm good. I'm good. COVID is I go, I'm trying to be aware because of COVID. Yeah. And that chunk of pasta that you have on your chin. And you filled your mask with vomit. You know, you can take it off to vomit. All right. I think we covered it all. We should tell people we're very unprepared for this podcast. Yeah, we really didn't do much uh preparation for it okay i didn't but but i don't know i don't normally i see you scribble a joke or two in the doc that's true i didn't write any i didn't write any jokes so we have stories we have stories but no jokes just just just hold on hold on your hats

as we rip through this thing yeah this, this is going to be more informative than funny. We just... And by the way, informative is not our strong suit. Yeah. Shout out to David Dravenak for today's song. What did you think of the song today? I liked it a lot. I want to go back and listen to it. What he accuses me of doing.

It almost was like I'm unprepared. Is that the lyric? I got to go back and listen to it. What he accuses me of doing. It almost was like I'm unprepared. Was that the lyric? I got to go back and listen to it. It might have been just that you were, for some reason, shocked when I was screaming, read all about it. Oh, that happens every week. Even this week, when I asked for it, which the listeners heard this week, it still took me by

surprise uh the logo was done by uh our friend over at bull roar mma podcast which you should check out their podcast uh funny logo me marrying blondie somebody has sent in pictures of me fucking blondie oh easy pal and that pal. And that was too much. That was too much. I don't need that. Easy, pal. Easy. Yeah.

A couple of corrections from last week. Apparently, orangutan, an actual animal, orangutan is a powdered drink preferred by four out of five apes and Fitz Doug and Mike. I guess we've been saying orangutan. And it's orangutan. Yeah, it's weird. It's one of those, if you pronounce it correctly, it sounds pretentious. Yes. Orangutan or, you know, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, I saw an orangutan in Nicaragua. Yeah. It's also, I think I brought this up. It's,

you know, it's Dr. soice who did cat in the hat are you going to be that guy who pronounces it correctly soice yeah um and then we got uh you mentioned that judah friedlander was in a movie about r crumb but he was in american splendor which was about cleveland's own harvey picar picar picar with paul giamatti playing picar cool little movie yes i i fucked that up there was a movie about by the way even now those that's even though it's been pointed out that's really interesting i blurred those two i put those two thing those two worlds together yes and i'll tell you something watch that movie judah friedlander is a really good actor and uh he he immersed

himself in this character he was amazing an american splendor is that the one i i remember I remember being very impressed because didn't Giamatti playing Picard go to the craft service table and the real Picard was talking to Giamatti playing Picard? I didn't know that. Oh, is that right? I think you're right. I think you are right. And I love movies that do that. think you're right i think you are right and i love movies that do that um so i mean sometimes they have to do it well and this was artfully done for sure yeah i'm trying to think when else that was done um yeah there there there are good examples though uh i mean of course there's people

are going to write about you know this all the Marvel where Stan makes little cameos. That's not really what we're talking about. Yeah. But anyway, that was really well done. That's a good movie. Also, we want to, we're very excited to have the continued sponsorship. We are supported by audible.com. Oh, yeah.

to have the continued sponsorship. We are supported by audible.com. Oh, yeah. And I mean, I'm telling you, some ads are a piece of cake to read because it's something that's been a part of my life for not exaggerating when I say 20 years. Every month, I get a new selection from audible.com and it helps me go to sleep.

That's how I use it. I am a bad sleeper and I lay down with my headphones in because my wife is sleeping and it's got, the app is amazing. You set the timer and it keeps your spot. And I listen to great books that make me feel smart. So when I talk to people like Mike Gibbons, I can, I can mention that I'm listening to the boys in the boat right now. You told me about boys in the boat. Daniel James Brown's book narrated. And by the way,

sometimes I pick a book by the narrator. This guy Edward Herman is my favorite neighbor narrator on audible. His voice soothes me to sleep. And, and it's just, it's, it's great. What do you, you're on audible. Okay. I would be admitted to a mental institution if they're still called that if you look so my library i'm just going to read in order what's in my life people would get very word in order so the book i got this week was the four agreements oh did you really yeah now tell me about it because believe it or not and i'll admit it i i was going through instagram and joe rogan

uh did a post about someone on his podcast brought it up and he remembered how great it was and he went back and he started reading it again like last week and he he couldn't say enough about it i'd never heard of it so what do you know about it well it's you know it's like a it's a self-help book you know oh well well here's the books in order i'll just read them the four agreements you ready for this one yeah self the self-love experiment but people this is how easy it is on audible i i don't know i saw the title i'm like i'll I'll try it. I'll try this. It turned out self-love experiment was bullshit. Becoming Nobody, which is Ram Dass.

The Addiction, Procrastination, and I can't, it doesn't say the rest of the title. Chaos by Tom O'Neill. The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner. I have that in mind. The Stranger by Camus. Is that how you pronounce his name? Camus. it's not really pronounced that way is it no oh um catching the big fish by david lynch uh anyway untethered soul

it's too much inward stuff no it's not i'm telling you people we used to have religion. We used to sit down for an hour every Sunday and have a learned spiritual person impart excerpts from a book that was based on community, that was based on giving, that was based on, you know, being humble. And we don't have that in our lives anymore. And I think that self-help books can really replace that. Pete Holmes is a great example of a guy and Joe Rogan who have really enriched and have that in our lives anymore and i think that self-help books can really replace that like pete holmes is a great example of a guy and joe rogan who have really enriched and changed their lives by listening to self-help books i'm a fan as long as they're good ones then there's zealot which is

the best yeah that's a great the best thing ever it's the historical account of jesus uh and then uh born to run that'll be my plug this week go here here go listen to born around bruce springsteen reads his own memoir and if you're into 22 hours of blaming your dad this is the book for you audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment it's all in one place bestsellers new releases celebrity memoir, celebrity memoirs. And plus they've got that. They've got this plus catalog thing where you listen to thousands of podcasts, original entertainment from top creators. It's great. If you want, like, you know,

people spend 15 bucks a month on meditation guidance. You can get it on audible as part of your subscription. New members can try audible for 30 days on you um so and the and by the way the the plus catalog you can listen to a lot of this stuff without using any credits it just streams uh you can listen offline like when i fly i can continue to listen to the books even when i don't have internet. And it keeps your place. You keep your credits for up to a year. You get one a month.

And they're excited to bring you this content. So visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 hyphen 500, the number 500 to 500. And do it. Visit audible.com slash papers it's great yeah okay also hello fresh this what's up the best thing about this is you know we get people give us free stuff when there are sponsors and hello fresh sends us food let me tell you something hello fresh makes your life so simple it saves you money you eat well you feel good about the fact that it's uh responsibly grown and shipped and delivered everything about hello fresh is an

improvement on your life it's amazing uh oh my god especially if you're slightly add and also their whole meals like with multiple courses so often it's like what's for dinner and i'm like uh quesadilla and and the girls are like and and i'm like and fucking quesadilla like i guess salsa so there that's two courses i have this vegetable ronald reagan would say that's a vegetable i have cut up tomatoes and it's called salsa and here's your quesadilla so the and by the way you know so we occasionally feed the homeless and um i remember the time we you have to buy all the stuff bring it and it's on like a mass like you're feeding like 50 60 people so you go to the store and i'm like and i get those shopping lists and i'm like how many fucking courses are we getting and it's like and then

here's all the makings for dessert and the salad so it was like an entree but i took anyway a little diversion from from our sponsor but i told you that time i was there and we we bought all the stuff which was really expensive and of course this is not cool complaining about our charity but uh anyway we go there we cook it in this professional kitchen which was awesome and then we're serving it and it's a main course a side uh a veg i think there was also the side i guess was the vegetable a salad there was like five though i think it was a side end of vegetable and then um and then a dessert so anyway guy comes up puts his plate a tray out and then now i'm grabbing the salad with tongs and i'm putting the salad on his tray and he pulls his tray back

and the salad falls on the counter he's like what's in what kind of salad is that and i just want to be like it's fucking a free salad like like are you insane you're gonna pull that and uh of course i didn't say that but i i did have to take a breather before i'm like uh it's yeah there's some arugula in there it's a nice salad we spent a lot of time on it yeah yeah um but anyway this thing makes me look like a champ now when it takes 30 minutes or less to cook the stuff and you don't have to it's stressful to do all that planning and shopping uh they've got they offer 25 plus recipes to choose from each week from vegetarian meals to craft burgers and extra gourmet options. Something for everybody. I had the San Antonio Beef Bowl with blue corn, tortilla chips, and fresh salsa.

I'll tell you what. It was so filling. And we had extra. It was enough for leftovers for the next day. Nice. All right. I'm sorry to top you here. I had the creamy dill chicken

with roasted potatoes and green beans. Oh, nice. All American. I didn't even need salsa. Yeah. It was all there. Go to hellofresh.com slash papers 12, the number one, two,

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you're very heady intellectual I like to spin myself into white guilt and then spank one off and we're up. We're going. There we go. All right. You want some stories with no jokes? Let's do some stories. You got it.

I think we already covered this. It's called Lonely Nation. I read this headline. Maybe it was while I was depressed. Two in three Americans feel more alone than ever before. Many admit to crying for the first time in years. The feelings of loneliness and isolation were so rampant among Americans. 46% admit they cried for the first time in years at some point during COVID.

That's a high. That's the reason I grabbed the story. 46%. When was the last time? you're a crier though? When was the last time you cried when you, when you saw what that hat looked like? I cried when I lost the third set to you in paddle tennis the other day, or was it the second set?

It was that's the, I'm going to cry now that it was only two and it felt like three. It did feel like three. No, I think, look, people are sitting with feelings. They're used to staying busy. We run away from our feelings. We work and we travel and we go out and we stay busy. And I think when you sit with your feelings, crying is fantastic.

There's a reason why the human body cries it expunges anxiety and it grounds you when you're after i cry i find i feel joy more poignantly i feel gratitude i think i think you remember in broadcast news when holly hunter goes down on the and she makes herself cry once every day yeah every i don't even know if she did she make her or like it was just like it's coming no no no it was an appointment she would walk down to the dock in one scene and sit and then cry hysterically wipe her eyes and go back to work again and her cry because all i think about raising arizona her cry like she's so beautiful like he's so beautiful about the baby

a stolen a stolen baby and she's so attached to it within 20 seconds um well when's the last time you cried? Uh, you know, I've had some emotional sneak attacks, but I just clamp them down, man. But I was driving and a song came on and I thought, and I told myself, I gotta remember what band this is. But it was, it was like one of those, like, why don't I listen to them more? Maybe by the end of the podcast, I remember what what band. But the end of The Father was pretty sad. I'm not giving anything away here, but a line comes up, which was

who am I? And that got me. I can tell you the last time I cried was yesterday because I swear to God. I can tell you the last time I cried was yesterday because that's what's wrong with us. By the way, most people, they'd be like, Oh yeah. Last time I cried was like three weeks ago. Like, like it's, it's a big event and they don't have this. I mean, it's cheap to say it's an Irish thing because a lot of people have it, but that like push that away, get that down, move on, carry on. All right. Very British, too. Yes. Very British.

But I saw a clip online yesterday. The NFL draft was this week. And this running back, Najee Harris, he got drafted. He was number number 24 pick. And so he back to, he grew up in a homeless shelter. And most guys are in like a suite at the Four Seasons or they're having a fucking party at a nightclub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy went back to the homeless shelter where he grew up and he spent the draft with the kids.

And he bought them toys and he brought them food and hung out with them and told them all about playing football and he just threw a big party for them that's amazing it was so sweet i fucking cried i sent i sent the clip out to my family and uh and i got an emoji crying to my wife well i i know you don't like to cry because you you're not drinking coffee so it'll mean the end of the day for you. It'll mean bedtime. Crying is a good thing. Crying is a good thing. All right. I'll send it to you.

And, oh, and I also cry. I cried in my sleep. I mean, I don't know that I physically cried, but during a dream I was crying because my daughter's right now looking for a prom dress our daughters are going to their prom this year turns out i don't know if mine is you don't know if she's going i'm too busy crying i should check in with her you should ask her about prom night it's kind of a big thing for uh kids wait wait when is it may something look at you that's a good guess hey you heard they announced graduation yes at the greek theater no i didn't hear that really no no no not the greek theater dummy it's at the greek which is the half shell at the uh school is that what they call it? Yeah, they call it the Greek. No.

Yes. You know, Hollywood High School has their graduation since like the 1920s or even earlier in the Hollywood Bowl. Oh, no shit, really? Yeah, so the Greek wasn't a big, is that what they call it? That's a little, all right, they call it the Greek.

Yeah, they have events there usually every year the parents go to there's different events and they call it the greek when there's a greek in los angeles yeah which is an amphitheater there's one in greece also i mean there's a number of greeks i doubt in greece they call it the Greek. You know, this is like a Greek theater. Yeah, we're outside Athens. I get it. They don't do that. You're trying to spin your bad parenting into a...

Say it all for me. Speaking of bad parenting, yeah. So my crying was Sweet Jane. Oh, Sweet Jane. And when he gets to that culmination, it's the live one where he just screams, anyone who's ever had a heart wouldn't turn around where he just screams, anyone who's ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it.

And anyone who's ever played a part wouldn't turn around and hate it. I don't know, it got me. It almost got me. I pushed it down. Good for you. I then switched to news radio real fast. And India was on.

I just laughed my ass off. What idiots. It is funny when you're trying to quash what you could turn to and just be absolutely callous about something. Usually it's angry. Look at this fucking guy. And that person doesn't deserve that.

Yeah, yeah. I know. I'll think about like um how embarrassing i i just think about the embarrassment of crying and it shoves it down which all which makes me then cry more you shared something with me once and i know we're avoiding news stories obviously but uh which was you said you thought you were having a heart attack and it's years ago and you were like in a whatever like a target or something no i was at the cedric the entertainer at the writing at the production offices and you and you went to find some place to be alone yeah i walked

into an empty office because i thought i was having a heart attack and i didn't want to be embarrassed i didn't want anyone seeing me die. It felt weak. No, whenever I've gotten like in a bad accident, whatever, I do just want to disappear. I don't, the instinct that I see, which is so natural of like, help, I'm hurt. I have none of that. Yeah. I have the exact opposite. It's like, like a defeated lion going or a bear like going back up to its birthplace to die like i'm just now defeated i've got a tail between my legs i'm walking up into the woods yeah where can i die alone yeah and uh i feel like that you ever get you ever get beat up in a fight that's what it feels like after after i've gotten beaten up and then there's, and there's people watching and then where do you go?

You just fucking lost. It's like, as a man, it's one of the lowest points in your life to lose a fight. I know, you know, I never have, but that's, and I haven't won any, I've kind of never been in a fight. Really with your personality. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I might be all bluster. Yeah, I mean, I've been in group fights. The rugby team got in a couple, but I'm normally breaking them up.

Yeah. I'll tell you the truth. Right. You broke up a fight with me one time. Remember at the Sirius Studios? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy. Well, I was, but that would have been one because i was just waiting for him to pull one shitty move and uh because he was really a fucking dick yeah he was a dick and it's on videotape they had it on the uh closed circuit security camera and they sent it to me

and by the way you dove right in between us yeah well that guy was not a threat and also listen also it's easier to be the breakout i mean mean, if he had, oh, my God, if he had come at me, forget about it. But, but you go in sudden, your eyes are not on me at all. And you are, I see anger creeping up. And you're staring right by me. And I'm just like, what's going on? You don't even answer that and look at me. And you're like, what are you looking at? And I'm like, and I'm just like, what's happening?

You're like, you got a problem? And I'm like, I go, Greg, what? And I'm like a foot away from you.'m like honestly what's happening and i turn and there's a guy and he keeps looking at you i don't know what his deal was i mean i think he was into you is what was going on and it didn't land well with you no no i don't think it was a gay thing i think the guy the guy was fucking staring me down for some reason and i didn't know why and i uh yeah i got a little i got a little hot under the collar and i'm like why why don't we just get off for the next stop we can go we can walk the rest of the way

because i get incredibly i mean that's how i developed a sense of humor maybe it's like you just fill an awkwardness you know know, in your childhood, dinner tables, whatever it is. So I'm just like, ha, just trying to just get this back to normal. Let's get back in our bubbles. Yeah, right. So, oh, so how I fought, I cried in a dream because I was on the phone with Aaron and Jojo last night. And they were looking at prom dresses. They were shopping for prom dresses online.

And I felt so fucking million miles away i wish i'd been there and so i had a dream that night that she came out in her prom dress and i burst out crying because she's a lesbian what do you mean came out when she came out in her prom dress oh dude did you see what's her name um ellen page is on oprah i saw a clip of her talking about realizing that she was uh wait wait it's not it's not ellen right isn't it ellen page change are you dead naming her right now oh shit i don't know what her new name is how very dare you oh shit i did named her oh my god i literally was just about to go why don't you just call her miss page just call her pay just her i keep oh my god what a minefield

him just say page like you say gibbons just say page yeah page who's really funny by the way she used to come to largo and go on stage sometimes oh i guess i guess she she did do that no but she well she did that and now i don't think you do that i think it's only current uh welcome back to the old guy podcast yeah all right let's get to some news mike is there more uh i think we're done uh wait a minute do we have a caller right oh wait is she is she here i don't think no but here yeah when did you didn't you say 11 30 my time i don't know what time that is in kansas city 10 minutes from now 10 minutes from now you're all from now. You're all nervous. You're all, oh, wait a minute. Is she here? No, she's not here. You're all nervous because this is a

potential romantic hookup for Mike Gibbons. All right. Well, you told me a little bit about it. I'm not nervous. I'm pretty emotionally shut off. But I was just wondering if we had to tee up like the birthdays or whatever because that that's the purpose of this call another one of their birthday from this and uh uncannily accurate uh birthday book all right more news uh i don't think we have to do this but harvey weinstein's extradition i guess we're going to do it no jokes on it but so they're trying to extradite him to la to face rape charges set for may 30th um and he might be out here in the golden state he faces

four counts of rape four counts of forcible oral copulation one count of sexual penetration by use of force and two counts of splooging on a house plant stop it and two counts of sexual battery by restraint and sexual battery in incidents involving five women from 2000 all right so a lot do you think that uh there's some irony to the fact that women uh use vibrators with batteries in them and they call this sexual battery now there's something there there's a joke in there somewhere the move would probably be i would just keep reading if found guilty in the city of angels the 69 year old weinstein could receive a sentence up to 140 years whoa all right so he's currently behind bars although he's appealing uh in New York State since March, and he's in jail for 23 years.

But my thing was, even this hearing, which triggered this news story, where they're considering the extradition, they have 30 days to decide, all of it's been virtual. Why does this fat fuck have to be flown out to Los Angeles? That's a good point. Everything's virtual. Right. I do know that victims might have an argument, like they really want their day in court

and they want to face him. And I get that. But in terms of it jeopardizing him coming at this extradition, like, I mean, I like also you're taking him out of jail where do you think he stays when he's in la not his usual rape hotels but where do you think he stays when he comes out here well he'd be behind he'd be behind bars yeah he'd be probably la county court la county jail you think or is it like a special like remember like in the godfather was like they're in a hotel a guarded hotel room oh no no i think that's if you're i think that's

if you're being those are witnesses those are witnesses yeah you're right no i think uh first of all he's he's 69 and he's got ayear sentence. So there's no rush that he get out to LA. And I think these women should absolutely be able to face him. So they should wait until they can get all these people in the courtroom and he can look into their faces. And I think that's going to help their healing process. Maybe the thinking is, since an appeal is underway, they want to layer this on there because then he has that right right you know like even if he wiggled out of the new york thing on appeal i just have to

say wiggle out he wore bathrobes he didn't he did or watch me shower uh what a pig. I hope he's getting raped regularly. He had COVID. I remember that. He has his walker. There should be updates. I want to know when somebody like him goes to jail that he's being raped. I want to hear like on the six o'clock news. They should just mention. Oh, and by the way, Harvey was raped again today in his cell. Okay. That's part of the healing process. No, he's a victim. I don't know. I don't think you want to do that.

Oh, that's true. I think he's silently raped a lot. Silently raped. Silently raped a lot. And then there's a little whisper campaign. Like we all, all of us who can take it and not view him as a victim, just nod. Like, yeah, he got raped again last night. are you just just are you just telling yeah stanley stanley he's in his cell this past weekend like uh are you gonna put the oscars on the tv why don't you just fucking bend over that chair again harvey harvey yeah he wants to watch the oscars so bad they make him face away from the tv while they fuck him

how many can't see the screen how many harvey's do you think there are in real jail listen white white collar jail tons of harvey's like non-stop harvey's all embezzlement yeah not to not to group them together but uh in real like all right he was in reichers for a while i'm gonna guess he was the all i bet i wonder if there's a way you could look up how many harveys are in reichers island yeah you're right or how many weinsteins even how many weinsteins yeah uh again maybe we're giving a pass to the jews like we did on uh serial killers but i don't know i bet there's not a lot of one of sam david berkowitz was the serial killer right and this is in new york city i mean literally

literally rikers is on the east river yeah and uh so there are a bazillion weinsteins all around it i wonder how many are in it right that's That's a good contest. Someone write us with that answer. All right, let's do the Giuliani story, and then we're going to have time for our caller. Speaking of New York crime, Justice Department ramps up the Giuliani probe. The FBI search of Rudy Giuliani's office this week signals that federal law enforcement

is significantly ramping up its investigation into former President Trump's ally and one-time legal advisor. All right, we don't really have to do this story also, but generally, the thinking is this. up its investigation into former President Trump's ally and one-time legal advisor. All right. We don't really have to do this story also, but generally, the thinking is this. This guy, I mean, he's not only an attorney, he's a U.S. attorney and the mayor of New York City. To get this search warrant means they have the goods.

That's the takeaway from most experts because i read a bunch of articles on this well two things one is do you think a lawyer as savvy as him would have anything on his hard drives that could be i mean he had to know this was coming i don't think he knew it was coming but there's also some things that are very, there's evidence of maybe destruction. I don't really know what I'm talking about, but this, this is even savvier is if you, let's say he's talking to someone and it's going to be shady and he's communicating with them via email, text, whatever, something that can be traced.

And he's communicating with them via email, text, whatever, something that can be traced. If you take that person on as a client, none of that communication is fair game because of the privilege. Right. So that's a very big move that these fuckers do. Yeah, he's. Yeah, he's who called him out um hold on do you see what denman who apparently doesn't have the shits this week do you know uh he just typed there are three harveys in rikers and they're he he goes all black males which by the way he puts in most of his sentences that all we're not everything's not about color chris um wait but wait chris was that real were you able to look up

how would you know that yeah he's saying yes just type in all right new york this is fascinating for listeners we're reading a google doc come to life you type in new york inmate search on my black male database what i'm good just look at my highlighted map of black people in america and uh you can zoom in you know that was one thing i i pitched it pitched it as a comedy segment on Spike Ferriston show. We looked up, someone goes, you do not want to look at how many sexual predators are in your area. So they have a map. There were so many dots. It just formed a big dot. This was in Hollywood, right? Right. By Western Avenue. And so then we thought,

here's a fun game, which is go to your maps because Starbucks has a map. And it's does your town have more sexual predators or Starbucks? And I thought that would be a funny contest. The problem was Starbucks always lost. It was disturbing. There was always more predators. Well, for every Starbucks, there's three homeless guys out front that are predators begging for change.

Hey, this is a fun game. Now that Chris can look up all these things, should we come up with another unlikely name in Rikers? Yeah, let's look up Greg. Greg, there's going to be tons. Greg is a black name as well as a white name. Oh, you know what? The new list of names came out all over the world.

And the biggest name is Arlo. In the world? No, no. So many countries. In America, it's for boys. It's the third. Arlo is in countries you'd be like, they're going arlo like they don't even speak english wait arlo is the third most popular name for boys in america yeah you want okay here they are is this that's not possible yeah yeah yeah why do you why do

you doubt me oh my god silas atticus this is very literate literary based arlo theodore and finn girl names luna mave these are awesome names by the way there's no way these are the top names in america luna mave wait for it aurora isla and aurelia is this for jackson hall wyoming what where are these names coming from oh by the way i should find my, when my kids were Waldorf. Oh, wait, we got to get to our guest. All right, hold on. Is her name Maeve or Aurora? Then I'm interested.

It's in that vein. She has a name like that. We have this book. Mike came up with this book. How many Arlo's, by the way, in the meantime, look up how many Arlo's are in Rikers. Okay, go ahead, proceed. There's the birthday book. And we solicited you guys to write in your birthdays to us if you'd like to come on the show.

We did it last week. We had a lot of fun with a gun-toting liberal gay guy who was fantastic. He was a great guest. He was a great guest. And this week we have a letter from a woman who says, if by some miracle I'm selected and actually win, I'm proposing as a prize, a date with Gibbons. You keep hinting on him being single, which could be a joke,

but if he's really ready to mingle, I'm just throwing myself out there. It's a very aggressive person. I'm guessing a Capricorn. I have no idea what I'm talking about. What's the most aggressive sign? might be mine aries i'm assuming that i'm way too old for him which by the way she was born in 1980 so she's 41 she's 41 and you're 54 hey easy uh hurts so she said if he likes women who are COVID vaccinated, in shape, daily yoga practicing blonde, ICU nurse,

Grateful Dead loving. Oh, she's young for a Grateful Deader. Never married, no kids, then look no further. Uh-oh, signs. So she's on the line right now. We're going to play the game with her. All right. And we're going to, she offered to send pictures, but I felt creepy saying, yeah, send pictures. So here she is.

Let's let her in. Wait, were there pictures? No. It's Elisa. That's a decent name. Hi. How are you? The audio works.

Can you hear me okay? Yes, we can yeah can you see me look at you yes you look wonderful oh thank you oh you too i love the closet it's great it's really well suits you well yeah now what do you have on your wall behind you it looks like a peacock feather oh it's not it's like um it's a piece of art that was hanging in my grandparents house forever like for as long as I can remember and um you know when they were downsizing and I was like can I have that and it's mine so I don't know what it is it's some sort of metal steel I don't really know I like it i like it yeah so you seem like you're a little bit on the esoteric um wellness you do yoga is that your lifestyle yes yes i practice yoga every day um i've been doing that for probably the last 15 years what do you have for breakfast this morning? A coffee. There you go. I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of that. Wait, if you don't mind, are there ceramic cats behind you? Oh, no, this is like a vintage lamp. It is cats. They're Siamese cats, but it's like an old vintage lamp. Wow. All right. it's a creepy lamp i can turn it on here see that oh my god yeah so for listeners they are ceramic cats and uh she just turned on a light and their eyes lit up like they're possessed yeah it's really cool wow all right did that come from the grandparents i doubt it no no no i found it at a at a thrift store another thing you took from the grandparents while they were sleeping yeah when she says downsizing we we moved we moved them to a facility

you know i'm not gonna say that but okay now you live in san francisco well yeah outside of san francisco um in the peninsula area nice very cool and what do you do for work i'm a nurse oh that's right icu nurse yes i work in the icu i actually just started um the new year i started a training program um I finished it a few weeks ago and I've been on my own in the ICU and it's great it's a whole different experience whole different scene it's and the name is true it is so intense yeah they're not joking well you're a good soul during during this year you signed up for that job. Yeah. I mean, it was part of the reason why I did it. I felt like I wasn't doing enough as a nurse in my role before. And so there was this opportunity and I went for it. And so here I am. Very cool.

Doing my part. Wow. You're a good person. All right, so I want you to close your eyes. Okay. Turn around, reach out to your bookshelf and pick one book off the shelf and I want to see what it is. Okay. Oh, she's going to knock off the cats off the shelf. I know.

It fits the four elements. What's the book you're reading? Oh, they are there, but I'll pull like something like right here you know what it is i don't stop it's a dangerously earmarked catcher in the rye you're joking it is really like one of my favorite books do you see salman rushdie yeah haroon and the sea of stories all right oh wow it is one of my favorite books it's our it's like a it's like a kid's book basically it's like a young adult book but it's so good well we have

a lot in common because i've wanted to kill him since that blasphemist wrote those things yeah mike is a mus. Oh, okay. You know, that's fine. She's going to respect that, Greg. She's going to take you at face value with anything you say. All right. So you wrote in with your birthday and it just happens to be my mother's birthday, August 24th. Really? I thought you, wow.

I thought it was in the email you sent. It was August 14th. No, 24th. Really? I thought you, wow. I thought it was in the email you sent. It was August 14th. No, 24th. Oh, no way. That's so incredible. Yep. Wow. She's an amazing woman. She's an amazing woman. I love her very much. And I tried to hook her up with Mike, but. Yeah. How did that work? He, two Irish people together is a problem. Virgos are problematic. Let's face it. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I just looked down. I looked down at the book and it says your month, I guess is what is it Virgo? Are you Virgo mean? Virgos are very detail oriented, almost can be kind of high strung in a way. Hypochondriacs, they're like analytical, very methodical. So I do kind of gravitate to that in a sense, but you know, I am also very free spirited and and carefree and live that kind of life.

So, you know, I think I have some traits of Virgo and not. OK, so I'm going to read yours and a totally random day of the year. And I'm going to they'll both sound awkward because I'm going to try on the fly to remove day of the year. And I'm going to, they'll both sound awkward because I'm going to try on the fly to remove mentions of the birthday, like people on this day. So I don't give it away. So don't read too far into any hemming and hawing I do.

All right, we ready to do this, Craig? I know, and keep in mind, if she gets this right, she wins a date with Mike Gibbons. Is that, wait, is that? All right. San Francisco. It doesn't seem close. We're going to meet in San Luis Obispo?

Okay, sure. Yeah. That sounds nice. Yeah. San Luis Obispo. All right. Here we go. October, I just gave away that.

Hold on, you're August. All right, I think I got the right dates. Okay, the day of precarious balance. Like a cat, those born on this day usually manage to land on their feet. No matter what difficulties or danger they face, it is their balance above all which they strive to maintain. This might be a simple matter were it not for the fact that they love to take chances. Instability may be their worst enemy, but most often it is of the self-induced variety. It is of the self-induced variety.

There are two distinct types of these people. On the one hand, this guy's covering his ass. On the one hand, the quiet, seemingly stable kind who appear to have it all together. And on the other hand, the daredevils to whom life without risk-taking is dull and tedious. Sounds like the ICU. Some of these latter individuals may think nothing of taking life-threatening risks attracted by the skill required to win at long odds. Others less extreme will nevertheless be gamblers of a kind, whether money, property, or even love are the stakes. The more stable of these people may enjoy a fairly settled life, but closer examination makes it apparent that they are often attracted to highly artistic, nervous, or unusual people who bring an element of uncertainty

with them. Both types love drama and lively events, the more stable ones as observers and the risk takers as participants. All right, there's a lot more there. Let's go to the other one. Interesting. Okay. I keep trying to fit keep trying to fit the grateful dead into this of how like, you know, I think that was fairly accurate. Honestly, it sounded like it from your brief bio that you gave us. Well, the grateful dead seem all mellow and all this. He did. They were heroin users. Were they all right. I don't know.

did they were heroin users weren't they all right i don't know that far i don't think they're lsd you don't think jerry garcia used heroin you know 100 oh i think he did use heroin but but the band is associated with lsd and yeah yeah yeah no i get i've been to a million shows i get that i'm just saying actually it's very much like what we just read. It's like on the surface, they appear mellow and all this, but there's heroin in their veins. Okay. The next one is called the day of astute examination. Those born on this day have the urge to untangle mysteries that capture their interests. All the dark misunderstood or uncharted areas of human knowledge attract them. Not only students of the human condition,

those born on this day often pursue objective knowledge for its own sake, whether philosophical or scientific, material or theoretical. Their never-ending quest for information and details, which can help them make sense of life and enrich their world, takes them far and wide.

Unraveling complexity is something that comes naturally to these people. Puzzles of all types, paradoxes, and riddles are their forte. To say that they themselves are sometimes difficult to follow is an understatement. They can practically disappear in a labyrinth of thoughts, a maze of intricate ideas, but though those born on this day may be difficult to pin down and understand, they themselves rarely feel lost. I'll read one more paragraph. Unfortunately, these people are often unaware that they, in fact, are just as complex as the demands of their work areas of investigations investigation or creations they generally see themselves as simple and direct this can create problems for those intimately involved with them their family members friends and lovers may often feel at

loss to fathom their motivations true emotions and Yet, when accused of obfuscation, that's a tough word for me, complicating an issue or evading questions, these people often react with bewilderment and denial. Wow, I hope that's not you. That's definitely not me. This book is not kind. You're what? Definitely. I definitely think the first one is me, for sure. It seems like it. Well, first of all, you're a beautiful woman. Thank you. You have taken interesting challenges on in your life.

And recently, which I like because a lot of people get to the age of 30 and they pretty much lock into what they're going to do for the rest of their life. And they don't try to take on new challenges. And you did this icu nurse thing it seems like you're it seems much more like you're the first one and gregory what about your mom um absolutely the first one for my mom all right well by the way i just thought something. For this contest from now on, it should be the person's birthday and then we should pick another famous person

like Hitler or Trump and read theirs. And then you have to guess which one is you. Okay, we can do that. Well, maybe that happened by the way. So I read yours. Can we have a drum roll? I read yours and I read Evel Knievel's. That's kind of similar. That guy marched to his own drummer, which could be kind of said about Hitler. Well, you're both wrong the second one was august 24th day of astute but that is exactly that is exactly like you you don't realize what a handful you are

it kind of nailed it you are unaware and look you're flabbergasted oh man so here's august 24th leave it yeah you're listen listen you're looking evil kenevil would have some weird thing that he stole from his grandparents on his wall like that and cats with devil eyes you're not some easygoing virgo who are you kidding oh man all right here. My life is a lie. Yeah, well, now you're more interesting. Here, August 24th, your strengths are you're observant, investigative, thorough. Your weaknesses are over-analytical, stifling, and obscure. Here's your advice.

And this, Greg, remember, is all for your mom don't make such a production out of small matters occasionally allow things to run their course your observations are not always appreciated follow your heart more often while respecting the wishes of others some secrets are better left unrevealed oh that's definitely my my mother and then here's your meditation which i'm sure you do some of the finest dancers and musicians are members of the animal kingdom don't know what that sums up jerry garcia and bob weir right there do you want animal spirits you want to hear evil kenevel's meditation yeah everything has to be paid for sooner or later even what is given away free oh shit yeah he paid dearly broke every bone in his body yeah

wow so you really thought you were an october 17th person yeah well listen this brings up an interesting question did i mention that by the way? It was October 17th. So that's Libra, which I know nothing about this stuff. So we've met Elisa, and she's lovely. She's a free spirit. She's got character. She's got a beautiful body, very pretty face. All right, easy, Greg, easy.

You're objectifying. You're objectifying this person with an identity problem. Do you want to All right, easy, Greg, easy. You're objectifying. You're objectifying this person with an identity problem. Do you want to go out with me, Greg? Well, let me tell you something. If you saw me with a mask on, you'd really be into me. I get way better looking. So Mike, I leave it to you. Why don't you do the thing with your masks? Technically, you did not win a date with Mike Gibbons, but I'm putting it out to Mike right now. You can still honor the bet of... I do think the San Francisco thing is a barrier, no?

I guess, I don't know. I'm also... I'm going to be in LA at the end of the month. Oh, wow. What's going on there? That's very unlike your sign what do you think what do you think you're born in October taking chances yeah I'm free spiriting it down to LA for a few days I like it well wait we have your email so what we can we can why don't we talk about it but you seem like the nicest person in the world thank you The San Francisco thing does cause pause.

Also, I'm kind of a mixed bag of I don't know where. I should read my sign and then read it against someone who's like Charles Manson or something. I'm a little all over the place, but apparently you're attracted to that. Oh, very much so. Yeah, you got the cat with the devil eyes thing. Do you travel with that?

Is that your nightly? I really, I'm really into it's weird, sort of fetish that I'm really into guys who, who hang out in their closet. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. It's a turn on really, it might explain why you haven't been married. These guys aren't big on commitment yeah or heterosexuality yeah and they're good reason and they're always ready to pack and hit the road yeah yeah all right well listen elisa you've been lovely and uh we loved having you on you've you've made a successful segment and i love the show i love you guys much. I really appreciate what you do and like helping all of us, you know, people out in the world, you know, laugh and forget about shit for, you know, an hour or two. Awesome. Well, you're inspiring. I have to say going deeper into the trying to help out during this virus is really admirable.

Thank you. Thank you. If only you acted like a libro whatever you were virgo virgo virgo i mean sorry they don't mean anything to me so i'll confuse them all day long but that is so funny you were so sure it was the other one i was so sure it was that one i can't believe it yeah it did seem like her more but uh you know it sounds like there's a there's a dark there's a stillness to that, to your real sign. There's something deep, deep in the waters. Well, I didn't read the whole thing. I'll send it to both of you because Greg, you got to figure out your mom. Right.

So we'll see. Okay. Thank you for joining us. Oh, thank you so much for having me. It was so much fun. Okay. Bye bye. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Oh, great. You got to work better at your sendoffs.

I know. Thank you. Thank you so much. You were wonderful. There she listens to you. Wow. That's impressive. Well, Mike, I got to tell you, I mean, she's still there. She's still there, Greg. I'm still here. I can't get off the phone. No, I'm still here. It's fine. What does Elisa think about this next story?

I know she didn't hang up. You have to hang up. She's not going to hang up. She's a Libra. She's a Virgo. All right, she's gone. All right, so. she didn't win she didn't win but mike what she's a winner though isn't she she's really a barrel of positive energy yeah uh you seemed hesitant when i tried to set up the date well you know me i'm in a no man's land a little bit you mean dating wise yeah i think so so all right it's a lot to think about you're in a no woman's land as far as your dating goes also oh boy uh you know i'm not great with personal stuff you know that's why we do this

that's why we hide behind florida men and stuff you mean you i'll email i'll email her of course all right you guys will hook up at the end of the month and we'll see if you guys get along who knows i mean san francisco is not that far and they're building a high-speed rail it'll be ready in three years you know know, that was Arnold Schwarzenegger, the governor of California's number one goal. Yep. Was to complete the high speed rail. Yep. So when was that?

A rail for years ago? A rail for not that many people going back and forth. And the flight takes 40 minutes and it costs about $49 each way. I'd say, no, there's a line when you see the amount, have you ever seen the amount of Southwest flights? It's like a train. It's like a train Depot. It's like, do you want the 10 15, the 10 28, the 10 50, you know, and, and then fog just socks them into San Francisco and you're backed up for two

days. No, no, there's a lot, especially now. Well, not now with the pandemic but with uh silicon beach and silicon valley uh so it's like the two locations of so many california companies were venice and you know silicon valley yeah those people are all going to uh teleconference from now on anyway why not oh my god i mean are you going to go to a pitch meeting at disney deep in burbank ever again forget it nope i've been selling shows online i don't need i don't need to be in a room oh that's one of us man i'm i'm i guess i gotta call myself retired at this point i'm good but that's what i'm coming up with some crazy ideas I'm coming up with some crazy ideas. I'm coming up with some crazy ideas.

So it comes. Well, one, I heard back from Netflix on one. They looked at something I wrote. And anyway, they were like, it's good. It was something I wrote for CBS, which likes it right down the middle. Right. But they were looking for like a workplace thing. So a thing I wrote forbs was sent over this happened this week and then it came back like yeah not enough of a hook and it's kind of like that's what i said you know like it was it was like i like that note i'm like i can get you more of a hook so uh anyway and for listeners who don't know that means kind of like third rock from the sun you know giant hook you know know, like, it's like,

it's like a hook can be seen on the billboard. Like what is the premise that is really going to hook you in? So, and you know, something like everybody loves Raymond, zero hook, other than parents live next door. That's a hook, but it's been so used that it's not even really a hook. Seinfeld has no hook. Seinfeld, well, they didn't know it, but four Jews complaining in New York City was quite a hook. People didn't realize it. Yeah. Two of them disguised as Italians.

All right. Well, that was good. Let's get to... It's funny. I picked that October date very randomly. And then I started to announce that I was reading it. And as I was reading it, I'm like, she's going to identify with this. Oh, you think she was going to pick the other one, the real one?

No. No, I knew she would pick the wrong one. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I didn't even know what hers said. But I was like, I can already think she's based on what the short intro we had with her. Yeah. All right. What do we got? Let's get, as long as we're talking about entertainment, let's do entertainment.

All right. Last week we did the oscar ballots and uh we picked uh i think we were chosen the top 10 categories uh i got seven out of ten you got two out of ten did i really yeah i didn't follow i didn't I don't even remember my picks. You got skunked. I did go well, worst Oscars ever. And boy, did people tune out? I mean, did you win the ratings low? Uh, lowest, not only lowest ever. I think it might've been a 60% drop off from last year, which was low. It was, it was really,

really low and hated also. I lasted 15 minutes and I was like, I, I tuned in to watch big Hollywood. I want a big shiny stage. I want an orchestra. I want, I don't want a fucking, uh, this guy used to be a plumber and now he's an actor. I don't give a shit. I take that one. Where's that speech. How about like, uh, I'm not going to name names. Uh, you, oh, you're, you're an actor in this, you know, in this culturally relevant and, uh,

incredibly well-written thing and all that. Uh, yeah, you had no, nothing to fucking do with creating this this didn't come from your mind you were an exceptional actor playing a creation by someone else i don't need to hear six minutes of your views i know that sounds harsh and it sounds i guess right because everyone knows who kind of won in these oscars but it's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, if you're, if you've been in jail, because like, like whatever it is, you didn't create this story in almost every case. So I don't, I really don't. And by the way, the guy that did create the, the dead Danish,

I think drinking one, that guy fucking went on for the problem is they gave unlimited time to narcissists. Right now. I think everybody should do what Marlon Brando did and just pick somebody funny to go do the speech. You know, he picked a native American. You could go through all the village people, send a cop, you know, send a construction worker, you know, Joe Pesci, Joe Pesci, good fellas gets up, walks to the stage,

picks up the trophy. Thank you. Yes. During the pandemic, you guys have all, I mean, a lot of these were shot before it, but you all had jobs like so much of the country did not. And now you want you're expecting and taking very seriously an award for your job yeah go to hell honestly the country a lot of times i think they've unfairly criticized uh the oscars when like there's been a solid

speech or someone decides hey i have this audience i want to like a shout out to a cause right or something that's related to the movie. A lot in the past, I think those were unfairly criticized. I am with all the critics who slammed this Hollywood bubble this time around. I really am. It's gotten out of control. It's completely unwatchable. And nobody, just get up and tell a joke.

Get up and tell a fucking bar room joke walk out and say you know god moses and and gandhi are walking down the street do one of those that's all i want to hear do the one i just watched one on goodfellas in the uh and the punch line was hey you left your cunt in the sink it's the it's the best thing ever that one best thing ever you know the joke right oh my god yeah no no it's on youtube and you should all go look at it it's incredible it's junior saying it right um the father wait a minute no no i'm thinking of wait i thought you were talking about the curb your enthusiasm where oh no that no no i'm thinking of wait i thought you were talking about the curb your enthusiasm where oh no that is what i'm thinking of it's when the super dave osborne tells you

super dave osborne tells it right yeah and uh watching so many fucking uh sopranos clips just google curb your enthusiasm dave joke and seinfeld is in the scene yeah he's telling the joke what Google, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dave Joke. And Seinfeld is in the scene. Yeah. What makes it funnier is he's telling it to Seinfeld, who's shaking his head because he's such a clean comedian. Right. But I don't know.

Wait, hold on. I'm looking something up because I think he won for playing Fred Hampton. Right. I'm hazy on a lot of the movies, obviously. So, so Kaluuya, who I really like, right. He gave a meandering speech, right. Some of it, of course, cool. Right. But I don't know, man, you win an Oscar for playing Fred Hampton. That speech should be about fucking Fred Hampton. Yep.

Amen. I mean, holy shit. What a human being. And now I have to hear about the guy who played him? Yeah. I got to hear about your life? Are you crazy? Right.

I don't know. Even if you have an exceptional life, it's no fucking Fred Hampton life. Well, either way you lost seven to you owe me lunch at Penmar. I'm getting the shrimp tacos and I'm getting a fucking non-alcoholic beer. And you're paying for it. All right. All on me. And of course it should be called alcoholic beer.

Those are the only people that drink them. But the, I will say, did you, so you didn't see the ending either. Did I, I had to go back and watch it after I read about it. Of what? The precious ceremony. I saw it where the father won. They rearranged first time ever.

They rearranged it. So no, it's not going to end on best movie of the year. Why do that want to know why because they had best actor and it was going to go to chadwick boseman and it was going to be the cherry on top of this intensely race centric oscars who are completely overreacting, of course, because they got fairly nailed for Oscars. So white hashtag Oscars. So white. So what is dumb Hollywood do? Let's dig deeper into color and race and so overcompensate. It's the most racist move ever. It's like screaming screaming i have friends who are black right so anyway and then and the winner is and it's a fucking ancient old man from wales white guy it's the best thing ever and silence and then the academy got in trouble because the osc, apparently he offered to to be available on Zoom to give his speech.

It was like Hannibal. What's, you know, Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. Just like his co-star did. And she was available on Zoom in case she won, you know, like every award ceremony. And he said, said hey i can be available they said no thank you and they know kidding really told him no wow and then they tried to cover it up saying something like they offered olivia coleman uh to accept it for him but that didn't happen either oh i didn't know they lied about all that they're assholes is what it comes down to yes typical hollywood so hypocritical and um and and always a very misguided reactionary that's all this town is is reactionary reactionary even with everything like you know the best

description of hollywood i've ever heard is like it's like 2 000 people rushing to where lightning just struck yeah so yeah um speaking of great black movies i saw mr smith goes to washington where i believe there wasn't a single african-american in the film no you told me you watched that yeah you told me you watched that last week did we talk about this on the show already you did you talked about it you talked about it did i talk about this is like this is like the father where we are trying to remember what you talked about did we hit me did we talk about this is a robbery a little bit but not enough all right so i wanted it it's slow it's it is fucking i don't know how many episodes it could have been in one documentary. There's so many multi part series that are really just one fucking documentary film. And it's it's infuriating because the premise I was there. I was in Boston in 1990 when this robbery happened.

And it was fascinating because it was completely unsolved. And you knew that boston had so many organized organized criminals their hitter is the number one bank robbery town in america by far really oh yeah well just charlestown alone there's been like there's been a hundred bank robberies in charlestown alone and so um so i, so I was like, great, this is going to be fucking amazing. And I have to keep waiting while they do that thing where they keep showing you the same footage over and over again and recapping and recapping and recapping. It's like, I had stopped watching it. I watched couples, same here. I had, I watched couples therapy Therapy. Season two came out on Showtime. I think I liked season one better. I liked the first few episodes of this one because she's incredibly insightful. And what you do is you learn a lot about questions.

What is it? What's Couples Therapy? Oh, you haven't watched season one of Couples Therapy? No. Oh, that's right. Oh, wait. didn't I give you my Showtime password? No, you need to. All right. If I was faster right now, I'd come up with a funny password, but all right. I'll try to, I wonder if you can do that. I'll try to share it to you and Aaron and Jojo.

I mean, I watched it with my kids. It's the woman is incredibly insightful and what it is is especially and we talked about this before on season one but especially when like there's like a let's say it's uh a anxiety that one partner has or whatever it's like and it's an anxiety about almost like bordering on ocd about like being order, order and all that. Well, what does it look like? You know? And anyway, when you watch it, you can learn like how to ask yourself, you know, better questions like, okay, what does, what does your life look like in the world? And your view look like if that doesn't happen? In other words, that thing you're fighting against, you know what I mean? And anyway, it's, it's really good.

I like the clients. Is that what, is that what's a reality show? Is it like a, you're not explaining what the show is. No. Cause I assumed you listened to me when I completely explained season one on this podcast, I made the bad mistake of, of thinking you listen, it is this pure. It is two real people sit on a couch across from a real therapist and her dog. And there are cameras outside of the room that you cannot see and they can't see. And multiple cameras shooting through

the walls. Does a Japanese woman come in and give a massage? Cause I've seen episodes of this. No, but that, that is way more viewers. And you, yeah. And I'll, and, and not as many questions, but and perhaps more satisfying endings. So anyway, but just as much crying, probably. There's a lot of crying in this.

Yeah. But boy, is she insightful, man. She, and she doesn't let people get away with bullshit. Like she doesn't let them lie to themselves. I guess that's the best way of saying it. I need a therapist like that. I got a therapist right now that I do online therapy with. It was a, believe it or not, it's a sponsor on my, um, my other podcast and it's called better help.com. It's this amazing site where you get it. First of all, I tried for two months to find a therapist in la could not find one who was available no they are all booked solid so this site got me in touch with

somebody and she's amazing but she helps me change my thoughts but she doesn't call me on shit i need somebody who calls me on shit no you and i are waiting to be like fuck face come on get real right and and we are and like and that yeah it's and i tell them i'm like listen i'm gonna like i'm gonna lie to you you know like i'm i can't that's one of the reasons i'm here i need your approval i i need i do that too much but i've also literally said to my therapist, well, a couple of things that old joke I told you it, by the way, it's real, but I then would say it as a joke to people because it was so funny. I actually in therapy,

my therapist in New York when I was in my twenties asked something and my word for word response was, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. That's kind of personal. I said that to an old school therapist in New York and he just raised his, he just raised his eyebrows and looked at me. So there's that. I had a therapist say to me one time, uh, you're performing for me. Oh yeah. Yeah. I'll latch onto a story and go really deep with details. Cause it's like, oh, I found something to talk about. Yep. I do that all the time.

It is weird. Therapy is weird. When you say something that you wanted to talk about, you hash it out. She gives you some advice and then you hadn't thought of what else to talk about. And so a good therapist is comfortable with silence. And I think a good patient can also let it sit there for a little while and see what happens and trust that something's going to come up that you need to talk about without feeling like you have to perform. And I'm not that good at that. Therapists should have been so much better with me. I would also say all the time, I almost didn't come this week because i didn't know what i would talk about like that's 101 that's where a therapist says that that is

the exact wrong reason not to come and you don't need to know what you want to talk about yeah yeah come in it will come out right it's like meditation it's it's in there it's gonna it's gonna bubble to the surface and she said she said this is for whatever reason i just i was talking about i was frustrated with some people and she said you have to have compassion for people when you are judging them think about that they're struggling and like that simple thing, I've been able to apply to some people that I was annoyed with. And it lets you, it gets you out of all negative feelings about people when you have compassion

for them. Chris is struggling. If that's not clear to you, I don't know why you remain so angry and frustrated with them. What were you just practicing that silence move? No, but also I have, I have, and I know I say the word literally a lot, but again, I have actually said to a therapist, listen, I want more answers and less questions. I did this to my guy in Santa Monica who I stopped going to a few years ago. I'm like, you've seen a million of me. You already know about the divorce at four. You know about my commitment issues. You know, I will lie to you because I'm trying to win.

I actually care what you think about me. I go, let's let. And so what I realized is I need a behaviorist. Yeah. I don't need a therapist anymore. You need a life you think maybe your ex-wife can be your life coach that would be interesting yeah i mean isn't that what a in a marriage i think each person is the other person's life coach i mean jesus christ erin like researches add and gives me assignments all the time she She's amazing. I'm already paying her that. It's a cheap joke. Yeah, that would be interesting.

My ex, well, listen, that's what I've always said about therapy. You want to make progress in therapy, bring your best friend because they'll be like, he's full of fucking shit. Right, right. Like, especially if you're like down on yourself, like he's outgoing.

He's, you know, whatever it is. He's like, he's, he's created this persona that which is not in here, which is not him or whatever it is, or tell him about the one night stand the other night, Susan, you know, or whatever it is, you know, like they'll, your friends will call you out on it. When I was in acting class, I used to date a woman named Sue Costello. And she and I were in an acting class together with the great late Greg Giraldo.

And I missed class one week. And the assignment was, talk to your significant other and tell them what you really think of them. And Sue went into this apparently 10-minute tirade where she was saying, you think you're so fucking outgoing and you, you, you know, you go out and you, you know, you, you, you entertain people, but you come home and you're fucking depressed. And, uh, and Geraldo didn't tell me about it for years. And then he goes, he goes, man, I got to tell you something. I've always felt guilty that I carried this around. He goes,

Sue did this thing. And I, he goes, and I was in the back wiping tears from my eyes. I was fucking laughing so hard. And I should have told you sooner. But first of all, especially for Geraldo, he must have gained respect for you. Like, what do you think that guy was doing? Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, he had another life going on too but like also it's admirable you're a fucking comedian like yeah it's oh my god well what did she what did she expect did you what did you think i was gonna be nice when i got home no yeah come on also you're both in acting class. You don't think you're both completely lost? Yeah. Yeah, we're literally in a place where we're learning to not be ourselves better. Totally.

Let's do some Florida math. Oh, here we go. This isn't a great Florida woman story, but Florida woman crashes car and then she opens fire in a Sam's club. Jacksonville Sheriff's department said the bizarre incident unfolded after a woman who has not been, I'd buy a bottle, crashed her car around nine 30 on of course, beach Boulevard, which is I think half the streets in Florida are called beach Boulevard and route one, one,

a deputy said the woman pointed a gun at people in the other vehicle that was involved in the crash, but did not pull the trigger before running to a nearby Sam's club parking lot. Officials said the woman then pointed the gun at people, but again, did not pull the trigger before going to the entrance of the store, which was closed. She then fired multiple shots into the store, breaking the glass.

She then entered, this is a badass. She shot out a doorway apparently, right? In the window. She then entered the store through the broken glass. She walked around the store, which still had employees inside, and fired several rounds before leaving through a broken glass. She walked around the store, which still had employees inside, and fired several rounds before leaving through a side door. Investigators said the woman never made eye contact with any employee,

and the officers arrived, and the woman dropped the gun and was taken into custody. So my joke was going to be she was just there to return her gun, but because fucking Walmart, but Sam's club does not sell firearms or ammo. So good for them. Well, maybe if they did, they could have stopped that woman. You know, maybe if teachers had guns, there wouldn't be fucking shootings in school. Maybe if priests had AK 47s, you wouldn't see these mosques getting shot up.

at ak-47s you wouldn't see these mosques getting shot up if you were an employee in there and it was a walmart which i think walmart still sells firearms i don't know i know it's an issue but like i mean i would lock and load i would run to that which is the exact wrong move i would run to that department what What would you do? You're in a giant store. You're in a target, a Walmart and a, a person comes in shooting a gun. What would I do? Yeah. Oh, I would go right after them. I get low. I find out where they were. And I would, I would say, and before I did that, I'd say, let's roll. I'd find somebody near me and I go, let's roll. Yeah. And then just so you know, you, no one would roll with you.

Not one per wait, you wouldn't, I'm kind of asking you, would you go to like the pots and pans department and at least have shields? Like the worst thing to do, you wouldn't run in the break room. Don't run into a dead end. Yeah. By the way, Walmart, this is actually a good little drill. Walmart, you know, locks their doors and they lock the employees in at night. That was a huge issue. I don't know if it's still ongoing, but that was a big thing. They would be

locked in for security at night. Yeah. You're locked in Walmart. Somebody died because of it. They were having like a heart attack and they couldn't get out of the building. because of it they were having like a heart attack and they couldn't get out of the building you hear gunfire gun person enters what do you do in walmart i i'm not kidding you i go get them i get down low i find a good vantage point and then i run and i tackle them and then i get the gun and uh and i shoot them oh my god you wouldn't hide behind the fat greeter use the fat greeter as a body shield the greeter's got nothing to live for that's not even considered homicide if you're a greeter at a walmart you get shot and killed that's just that's just an accident by the way what's the greeter still doing there he's not restocking is he just

greeting the restockers? He's practicing greeting. He's standing at the front. Thanks for coming. Hello. Oh, how are you in your sawed-off 12-gauge? Hello. Are you looking for ammunition?

That's aisle four. Do you want to shoot a Latina? That would be aisle six. Do you want to shoot a white man? That's going to be aisle nine. If you'd like to kill yourself, the restrooms are in the rear. Totally. I don't know.

What comes to mind? What are the hardest materials that you could put up your shirt or hold in front of you? Shovels. Maybe you go to hardware, you get a wheel get a uh you get a uh wheelbarrow you get inside the wheelbarrow all right here's the scary part picture yourself as the shooter oh no you go get in a you go get in a dryer you go to the appliances and you crawl into a dryer then they have a little fun they put it on fucking dry they turn it on you're spinning

around they have target practice no he doesn put it on fucking dry. They turn it on and you're spinning around and they have target practice. No, he doesn't have any quarters. He didn't bring quarters. Quarters quarters for a home dryer. Okay. Your house is weird. If you have to put quarters in your dryer. So this is the bad, this is the scary drill. Picture yourself as the shooter. Nothing's going to stop. Like you're coming at me with a shovel. Yeah. I'm shooting you. You know what? It's,

it's not as easy to shoot and kill somebody as you think. It's definitely not, but it is if you really take your time and just walk slowly towards them as they're throwing hammers at you. You know what I mean? I'm telling you, I've been to a shooting range where I'm standing perfectly still shooting a target. I had a Glock and I, my aim was not good. I didn't hit, I didn't hit the person's head. I hit it like once out of 10 shots. It's fucking hard.

No, no. They say that. Yeah. There's a lot of, it's terrible. So if you, if you startle the person and you rush him with something, you it depends on the size of the guy. If the guy is fucking huge and he's military looking, I'm climbing into a dryer. But if it's somebody who's like a teenager, it's some gangly fucking guy who lives in his mother's basement. I'm all over that shit. Yeah, I don't know. God, I don't know what I do.

That's a scary drill that's a really especially if the if the person entering knows what they're doing oh man i guess i think it's kind of over unless you run to that gun department right uh all right let's do some international oh oh wait where's my british how this podcast get we haven't even done hey i'll a person did write in and say we do too much personal stuff and not enough stories but i bet a lot of people don't mind i mean the stories make it so topical and not ever greeny i don't know

what do you think about that i think that i don't give a fuck with people and thanks for writing in but i'm not changing the show based on what people write in we do our show you listen to it or you don't i do i care i care too much we already went over this a british sex toy company love honey has received a royal seal of approval the adult retailer this week was honored with the queen's award for enterprise for outstanding continued growth in overseas sales over the last six years the accolade uh allows the company bath to fly the queen's awards flag at their office and use its emblem on marketing and packaging materials how about that oh so you're gonna have the queen's face on a giant dildo i as far as i'm concerned

why would you have anything else i mean think about think about who who uses a dildo more than the queen she spends the whole day having a smile and make small talk she has a separate bedroom from her husband she is fucking pent up at the end of the day and she needs release and why not use a love honey well it comes full circle like they're gonna have a line called moose cock and just put the queen's face on it for those to get the joke they it's it's a bonus you don't need to get the joke is it moose cock yeah um yeah i think that uh i think that it's i think that if you're gonna have uh if you're gonna have dildos you can put the whole royal family on there you can pick sizes like charles you know charles is the

biggest fucking cock in the royal family so he'd be the big black dildo is that right boy i don't know what you just did there i mean wouldn't a simple like all caps long live the queen be on one of them yeah there you go something i'm sure there's a lot of wordplay we could have here yeah also in uh in canada joy chapman a singer from surrey has officially set the guinness world record for lowest note ever sung by a female wow noteworthy achievement came in february she hit a c major note at 34 Hertz, which is cycles per second. So you knew that hashtag meant major. Yeah. Oh, look at you. Boy, I really don't understand music. I mean,

I've tried and people have really, you can't read music. Like most incredibly gifted musicians. I cannot read music. Wait, you never played an instrument i was pretty terrible at it no no like so i can i can kind of i can kind of get it but i really don't understand uh conceptually it's very hard for me to wrap my mind around the scale and all that stuff what did you play well i mean i was forced to play trumpet and stuff like i was terrible and then eventually went to drums and i was awful at drums i i really um uh yeah i'm not i i while i'm such a fan of music i uh i i it's it's like when you look at when i look at a guitar it's just like wow like

it's mind-boggling someone like when you see the what you have to do to your fingers to get a g i'm making this up but like and then the next one on the scale is not even near the one you just did yeah guitar it is amazing that the fingers can and especially when you see somebody play and sing at the same time and they're playing pretty complicated chords and singing very soulfully at the same time. And you're Hendrix and then you're chewing gum and on acid also. And that is six string guitar. Maybe I have this wrong. And that's all of it. That's every note. Yeah. Like really? Like it's, it's, I don't get it.

You know, what's amazing is Jojo was very talented uh flautist she played flute yeah and for my birthday thank you for defining that go ahead for my birthday um she and my son decided to play they knew i love zeppelin so they learned stairway to heaven but she found out when she looked up the music for it that that's not so they learned stairway to heaven but she found out when she looked up the music for it that that's not a flute in stairway to heaven it's actually a recorder and so she had to take the recorder sheet music and translate it and she did it on her me she had two sliding glass doors in her bedroom and she wrote out with uh some kind of erasable marker the notes on recorder and then she translated them to flute and they woke me up on my birthday morning with breakfast

in bed he played guitar and she played the flute and they did stairway to heaven it's like a beautiful mind that image of all the writing on the yeah it would be funny if she used a sharpie and it's all permanent ask me if i cried yes i might have shed a few tears on that one because you were so disappointed you're like get a fucking recorder and do it right what did you do you just you tried to jam this into a flute yeah it's pathetic and and and where's my wife on the drums we just hit the fucking heart we we hit the fast part of the song we got no drums uh that is a beautiful story though very nice very nice i think you already covered the sports yeah we're i think the kentucky derby is one killed horse away

from really being questioned because yeah the world is just getting so much softer and so the idea first of all so many people are against these horses being whipped and then coming on the brink of heart failure you're carrying a little guy around so it's already i think endangered do they give them drugs i think there's some drugs they're allowed to give them and some they're not hopefully they're all high they uh but this you know is it santa anita here has so many dead horses i think that's where they shot that uh hbo show um what was it called yeah i forget but we we talked about that because i remember when that was canceled um they said a very unpopular thing which is we've had like two

horses or three horses i like that is way below average for a track and people like what right yeah yeah dustin hoffman was in that dustin hoff was in it and so was uh was in it and so was uh bill macy was he in it no i think it was maybe the worst mugshot of all nick nolte was nick nolte in it or something this must be so frustrating per usual when our listeners know all the answers to things we're searching for also how hard is it i'm sure it was a wordplay name like track and everyone's banging their dashboard or their fucking treadmill whatever they're on right now listening to this if they know the name of this hbo show about horse racing and i think yeah it had it had a great cast i remember that i enjoyed it i thought it was a michael man even i don't know it was it was it was it was a

high-end production i do know that um don't forget folks send in your corrections to fitzdog radio at gmail.com and we will indeed read them uh chris denman not coughed up the name of this goddamn show i know what the fuck chris is asleep with the wheel is he we're in the sports it's called luck it's called luck oh that's a shitty name jesus that's a bullshit name that should be about vegas or something yeah um in business condom sales have been in a slump since the pandemic as people sheltered at home and put their light and sex life on hold. But now as more Americans are getting vaccinated and safety restrictions are loosening, condom makers are no longer having trouble getting their sales up.

Male condom sales in the U S increased 23% in four weeks, ending April 18th and And a market research firm. Compared to the same stretch a year ago. Listen, a year ago was also people were like, is the world over? Yeah. It's not exactly an aphrodisiac, the news a year ago in April. I wonder if there's a pregnancy spike around around now huh but i also think maybe during you know if you're an anti-masker during the pandemic you're probably like yeah i'm not going to do any protection maybe that's why

maybe that's why the stats went down maybe the sales that's like you know what yeah i'm not covering anything yeah if i'm not covering my face against a known virus that's killing people and really making people sick i think i can risk that you don't have herpes or whatever it is you're right i'm not wearing a seat belt i'm gonna uh yeah the helmet yeah no helmet yeah i'm not gonna wear my braces headgear at night what um also in business if you saw the movie the social network you remember the twins cameron and tyler winklevoss uh yeah i love can i go on record i love the winklevoss twins and guess what they created facebook like that was a an aaron sorkin line in the movie wasn't it i think the exact quote was like if you created facebook you would have created facebook it's like no they did create facebook and you stole it you little fuck yeah yeah so uh i totally they created it how do you i you know strip away all the like

i can't i can't like these guys because they're good looking and they were born wealthy and they went to harvard how about you embrace all that how about you go here are two perfect humans i want to fucking i want to just relish in the perfection of the winklevoss brothers they get into harvard they fucking create facebook they get paid out i think they got like 45 million dollars in facebook shares and 20 million in cash from uh from uh should have been more should have been more but because it was facebook shares at the beginning, it went through the fucking billions. And then six months later,

they represented the U S at the fucking Olympic rowing competition. Are you shitting me? So then just when you think it can't get any better, they can't get any taller, any better looking, any well-bred. They then in 2012 invested $10 million in a rare new digital sensation, Bitcoin. Back then it was $8 a unit. It's now 60,000 a unit. So now they're each worth $6 billion and they've started a new business called Winklevoss capital management that has taken in a $3 billion in investments. I mean, who gets to marry a Winklevoss? That's what I want to know.

Well, also how about the work ethic? How about you guys are good looking. You come from money. You're at Harvard. You're varsity rowers. And you're like, let's start a business. And you start a business. Then you hire, unfortunately, this awful human being programmer who steals your idea. Like at what point do you rest? You and I, if you and I had two more good years and by good years, I'm meaning like five digits, not six, five digit year. We start coasting immediately. Oh, you didn't start yet. I based out clearly. Look at me. By the way, just look where I am. I am totally coasting and these guys keep at it. Yeah. But, but also here's, can someone send us to

the wing of us here is a guaranteed a guaranteed win you ready the winklevoss brothers should approach tom or whatever his name was at myspace and bring back mySpace with rules about no fucking propaganda, bullshit lies. No. How about even no ads? Just bring it back. Do you know how many people would flock back to MySpace and leave Facebook? Dude, I loved I loved MySpace. My space was such a better site. And as a comedian, the best part was is if I was going to Kansas city, I could reach out to people in the area codes of Kansas city and let them know I'm coming. I don't have to blanket everybody on my Facebook page with an ad for a certain city. I could just annoy the people in that city.

Just annoy. But also I'm sure there's a million money-making ways, but to keep it, but avoid being evil. So whether it's like, Oh, you want to pay for your product, but a huge vetting system. So listen, it might take a while. Cause we're going to vet every ad or I don't know. Hey, everybody, it's a dollar a year, something like that. Like, so, so, so MySpace could run and not accept dirty money. Right. I love it because they need some more money. I just, I'm amazed by people like that. I think I, did I talk to you about a girl that I went to high school with named Ashley Briggs? I like the name she is uh she was

stunningly beautiful in the waspiest possible way she had like you know blonde hair she had this sweater over the shoulders she had small perfect features save it for blondie all right go ahead anyway she left my my high school to go to, of like the fanciest private boarding school. And then she went on to an Ivy league school and, uh, but she had a, she had a coming out, you know, a Debbie, all that stuff. And I've just always been fascinated by her because she was very nice,

but what a life, you know, to be born into that kind of money. And then she married a guy who was I shouldn't go into her life, but it's fascinating. You say that now? It's fascinating. But here's the thing, though, the one dollar a year was not for the Winklevosses. By the way, the Winklevosses will do this. Here's the win, win, win part of it all. Although they are shareholders. I wonder if they're still shareholders in Facebook, but it would take down Facebook.

It would hurt. It would significantly hurt. Well, Facebook would try to buy it because that's what they do to all their competitors. They don't think the Winklevoss can figure out whatever whatever it's called like shark repellent or whatever it is that companies do so they're not taking over but yeah i'm just saying they would do it they wouldn't lose money on the venture they would just start it up and all this get it going so it pays for itself and it is just for the good of the world. And it would hopefully ruin Facebook. Which and whatever, this might be kind of a personal question, but.

Oh, I can already tell you. Oh, you sound like my therapist. Cameron or Tyler. I think Cameron. Yeah. Everybody says that. Yeah. It makes me feel bad for Tyler. I'm such a Cameron. Yeah. Everybody says that. Yeah. It makes me feel bad for Tyler Cameron. I'm such a camera. But the thing about Tyler is he's brooding and he's dark. I can be such a Tyler sometimes. Well, I, you know why? Because I feel like I pull for him because no, he's from, it's like from the wrong side of the tracks.

He had a smaller bedroom in the mansion growing up. It was difficult. Listen, there's no denying these guys are aggressive. They killed the triplet in the womb. Ate him. You think these guys hit the ground. When the mom shot them out, they hit the ground running. Let me tell you something. When you're a Winklevoss.

The mom thought there were three in there. Yeah. When you're a Winklevoss, you. When you're a Winklevoss. I think you get kinky. I think you get so much pussy that, I mean, they must be into weird stuff at this point. They are literally, if they were not rich already,

they would be supermodels. They're that good looking. Listen, there's probably a lot of dirt on them that our listeners are going to write in and tell us about. But why don't they. could two people run for president? Like we're a team? Maybe if they're conjoined. They could get conjoined, though.

They could get conjoined. They have the money for that. Yeah, that's easy. They're inseparable. If you were to get conjoined with somebody, what part of you would you connect to them? Their boat would be a little weird when they're rowing if they're conjoined, especially if they're conjoined with somebody, what part of you would you connect to them? Their boat would be a little weird when they're rowing, if they're conjoined, especially if they're conjoined at the hip side by side.

I'd get conjoined with someone. I would do pinkies. I would conjoin pinkies. You don't think that's getting ripped apart? Oh yeah, that's true. I wouldn't do heads. That's awkward. Yeah. Yeah. oh yeah that's i wouldn't do heads that's awkward yeah um yeah i was funnily enough texting with someone last night about conjoined twins and i and i and then i uh thought about the

mr show has a great sketch about conjoined twins uh which had been separated but he want they want to get back together and they remembered how tough it was because one was, one was joining the military and the other one was a hippie like protester. David Cross was a hippie protester and Bob Odenkirk wanted to join the military. One like it stayed in shape and was on a treadmill while the other sat on the treadmill arm, like smoking cigarettes. Let's check in on the investopedia uh right now you have how much do you have did

you check your account yeah yeah of course i checked it man i've got 90 say i got a like 96 340 all right i'm ahead of you by 700 i'm at000. Your daughter, Olivia is at 110,000. She's making money. We're losing money. And then the leader, new leader, or he might've been a leader once before Sunday morning stonks is at 180, $98,000. Wow. New loser. We have a new loser. Guy named Haunted J has taken 100,000 and in just two short months turned it into 22,000. I'm ranked 263. I think it said 261. Out of what? Why do I beat myself up? I'm only ranked 261. Out of like 360, I think we have in the contest. Don't forget, not too late to get in. The winner gets $100. All right.

I'm running out of steam. All right. Which I could have said an hour ago. That's a very serious, dear Amy. Why don't we save it for next week? Yeah, let's save this day in history. All right, I'll do a couple of letters and then we'll get out of here.

What was the day in history. All right, I'll do a couple of letters and then we'll get out of here. What was the day in history, by the way? Osama bin Laden was killed. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Okay, that's kind of recent history. A couple of letters. Chris Paulson says, my favorite part of Sunday papers is when Greg says something, then Mike repeats it one minute later without realizing that Greg said it.

Then Greg gets angry and says, quote, I just said that. Do you listen to anything I say? Then Mike always says, did you say that? I'm sorry. I was looking up something on my phone. Let's skip this day in history actually um all right yeah well it's true whatever this guy's name is chris i'm glad you enjoy that but uh this is the add hour we're not shy about that it's absolutely that uh but wait a minute i mean i think you just picked this letter because so many of the letters are about you repeating stories. I skip no letters. If they're good, they go in. If they shit on me, I don't give a shit. All right. All right. was Sha Na Na, September 1981,

at the Oakdale Theater in Wallingford, Connecticut. Not so many hotties, so I struck out. I was only seven, but a shooter's got to shoot. Sha Na Na, that's actually a very cool concert to go to. They were at Woodstock. I was going to say, do I have this wrong? I think they were at Woodstock. Yeah, they were at woodstock i was gonna say do i have this wrong i think they were at woodstock yeah they were at woodstock and they fucking killed they killed at woodstock

don't say that you don't know that i watched it they killed i can't imagine a gigantic festival with da da da da da da da da like boom da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da on it was actually monterey that was monterey uh was that monterey the coin the alleged coin toss right all i know is it woodstock hendrix played and it was like two-thirds of the crowd had left it had rained it was like 11 in the morning and the place was a fucking mess so the performance was amazing but uh the crowd shots were really, really kind of sad. Yeah. One of the editors on that movie, Martin Scorsese. Oh, no shit.

Really? Yep. Yeah. Pat Lathrop. Might've been one of the directors also. Anyway, Pat Lathrop's first concert was supposed to be the kinks in Kansas city, but Joe Brenneman's older brother got, he lost the tickets. Fucking Brenneman's older brother got, he lost the tickets. Fucking Brenneman.

Anyway, fuck John Brenneman. My first show was cheap trick instead. Huh? I would say, I would say cheap trick. I don't know which one would you rather see cheap trick of the kinks back in 1981? Well, I can safely say the kinks. Cause I saw that exact tour. That's the one. And last week when I was trying to remember the name of the hit,

it was destroyer. Okay. That was our last hit single, I believe. And, um, which he points out is really the same song was girl. I want to be with you. I got to say though, cheap trick in 1981, surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away. That's kind of a good impression of his voice and his weird accent.

So look at this weird as they were an American band that had a British accent as opposed to all the Brits that had American accents. I know. I never get that. Wait, Chris just wrote some information for us and then he deleted it. I read it. No Hendrix closed the festival Monday morning at 8. AM. Yeah, there we go. I read, I read, I read, I read the non-toxic things that Denman writes. And that's all folks.

non-toxic things that Denman writes. And that's all, folks. We're going to skip this week's obituary, which was Michael Collins, who was the fucking astronaut who had to fly Apollo 11 around while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were fucking playing golf and jumping around on the surface of the moon.

Yeah, someone had a really good comedy bit about that. Maybe it was Norm. Oh, really? What you guys doing out there you mind if i uh no no you stay in you just keep an eye on the ship it's like uh not only did he have to fucking not go on the moon that they said that when he was on the back side of the moon he was completely cut off from communications with nasa do you remember that in the movie where he was like flee free floating with no fucking contact with anybody people think they have fomo now in this digital age talk about that guy's fear of missing out right what are? So wait a minute. Those images are being broadcast.

Are you guys playing out there as I'm fucking keeping, making sure you don't explode? Yeah. And then John Glenn starts fucking with him. Dude, you got to see the chicks on the moon. These girls, huge moon titties. Guys, how was it out there? It was all right.

I planted the flag. You know, he he took some samples he played a little golf um we bounced around a little i said a few words you know i think i think people remember him yeah what did you do well i had my tang and i was watching your oxygen levels i don't know if people are going to remember that. I was plunged in utter darkness, fearing that I'd never have contact with NASA again. That's like, go down to the Bronx to get Coke. And we'd pull up in front of the projects. And one guy would get in the car. And then the other guy would have to go in the projects to get the to get the drugs. And it was almost scarier to be the guy in the car because you were not only worried about your friend, you were worried about getting jumped.

And then also all the guilt you felt when you drove away without him. Well, that happened to my friend Lisa Cosmos. Should I say her name? Wait a minute. She was dating this guy, Chris, and then he went in and he got uh he got arrested and and he got a fight with the cops this isn't a project in the bronx and then he got taken to rikers and uh whoa yeah it was crazy he spent like two or three days getting beat up in rikers while she was trying to get him bailed out well this cellmate Harvey. All right. One of three. Yes, Chris.

One of the three black Harveys. Let's do the funnies. Time for the funnies. Oh, God. Hold on. Let me paper. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Holy shit. We're over two hours. Okay, go ahead. I just realized, like, reading Hager the Horrible, I was realizing that whenever he talks to Helga, his sentences should all end with the word cunt. Wow.

She comes in. You haven't lost steam. Go ahead. She comes in and there's a paint can with a brush on it and a half painted wall, but Hager's sitting in a chair helga says hagger you never finish what you start and she says prove me wrong and he says never is a strong word cunt and then the next frame is him holding a pie and he goes watch me start and finish this pie ah he got her he got her hell yeah all right let's get to my favorite comedy couple it's uh the lockhorns and in the first one leroy loretta's saying to i'm gonna give you three where where loretta fucking slams leroy and then i going to give you one where he comes back in the end.

All right. You're shooting your load here. Okay. They're sitting in two chairs and she says, I'll miss you when you're gone, Leroy. When will that be? All right. That one's some of his joke writing is, I assume it's a he. What's his name there? Is better than that.

All right, go ahead. All right. He's walking in the door, taking off his name there? It's better than that. All right, go ahead. All right, he's walking in the door, taking off his coat. He's got his briefcase. She's looking at his paycheck and she goes, do you think this is enough to buy one of those books on how to be successful in business? That's a good one. I like that.

The next one is she's on her knees pulling his clothes out of the dryer and he's putting on a t-shirt and he's got a frown on his face. She goes, no, Leroy, the refrigerator is shrinking all your clothes. I like that one. That's a smart joke. I like it. And then finally, Leroy comes back from the ashes they're at a cocktail party loretta uh who looks a little frumpy is talking to kind of a hot asian looking

chick and leroy's talking to this guy and and and leroy says to his friend loretta had an hourglass but the sands of time ran out that's mean he hates her he fucking hates her um all right i i as you know you saw me cut and paste this family circus in here. I have not read it. So here we go. We're considering not even doing this anymore. Okay, so the circle picture is the little shitty kid. He's there in the bathroom with his mom. He's looking up at her. She's looking down. And he's looking up and water is dripping from his hands.

And he's pointing to these towels on the towel rack and he goes can i use that towel cunt see i'm gonna i'm gonna do it too i'm gonna do that i think that helps family circus also so So he goes, can I use that towel, mommy? Okay. Ready? This is what, this is the last part of the sentence. This is what this writer, Jeff Keene, Bill and Jeff Keene, they worked on it together. Thought about, this is what he thought about. He gave thought to this and this was the big twist in the tail and it which is a joke i guess and then he sent it off and actually like it's a piece of art

actually like they make a piece of art and then that art is duplicated and put in all the newspapers so it's you know this is like a new yorker caption type thing can i use that towel mommy or is it just for people that's what it was yeah or is it just for people yeah like if i make an effort i i guess I understand your thinking behind it. And maybe it's amusing to one of these fucking teens that it's like the kid considers himself, not the people he's referring to that people is probably guests or older people. Yeah. I mean, I guess. I think, um, I think it should be, uh,

should I read this cartoon or is it just for morons? Right. And you could write things about, couldn't he sell out daddy for using the towels that nobody's supposed to use or something like that. You know what I mean? I think that Bill and Jeff Keen see themselves as kind of lead off hitters. You know, like a lot of times family circus is one of the first ones. And it's like, it's the top of the lineup. The guy is never swinging for the fences, not even for a double. He's just trying to get on base.

He shoots so fucking low. It's a bunt. He comes out and he bunts every week. Can I, can I use that time on me? Or should I just not wash my hands after the bathroom like daddy you know what about that that's i'm not saying that's good but holy shit i was listening to you as i thought of that and not putting in any effort and i think it's more of an effort than this is yeah can i use that time and first of all, look at the artwork. It's a circle because it's family circle and she's leaned into the frame. You can see her face, her hand and her enormous breast.

That's all that's in the frame. That weird. Wait, isn't it family circus? Do I have that wrong? What did I say? Circle family circle, but I like that. Who knows? None of it makes sense now. All right. Here's what makes sense. Is my girl blonde should be family circle but i like that who knows none of it makes sense now all right here's what makes sense is my girl blonde should be family circle good dagwood walks in the front door he's got a briefcase and uh and and what a life this guy's get every time he walks in the door this piece of ass walks up to him she's as tall as he is and she's got on this kind of like uh kiwi green top and her breasts are accentuated by a little pinch in between the two tits black me when i say mini

skirt it is well above the knee yeah and she she reaches in and there's a little kiss it says kiss and she and he says what's new honey she's pretty smooth for dagwood yeah and she goes you don't want to know dear that's that's what else that's how she treats her man when he comes home she doesn't lay a bunch of shit on him and he goes that bad she goes i'm not saying you know what that says to a man when he comes home you respect me i just went to work i worked for that guy mr fucking dillard he busted my fucking balls all day i come home and you and you have bothered to shave your legs and throw that outfit together and not and then he says thank good thanks for the heads up and she goes we can chat after dinner

she made him dinner she's got the whole thing laid out she goes, we can chat after dinner. She made him dinner. She's got the whole thing laid out. She's got some bad news. The plumbing went bad. The roofing or that, you know, the, the, his next door neighbor was peeping at her while she was taking a dump that day, whatever it is, it can wait. My man gets fed before I start unloading my bullshit. My man takes in my full bosom. Heirts with me he smells the perfume i put on and then we gently ease into it after a couple cocktails i don't know i read it it's like she played with herself all day i i thought it was like because the kiss was romantic everything was kind of sexy you don't want to know dear that bad. I'm not saying. Yeah. We can chat after dinner. Cause she's still got a little in the tank.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that was, she warmed herself up. She stopped just short of going all the way. She brought herself to near climax. She probably had that respect. She probably had that respect. Also she's got to get to the finish line. Cause that's all he's got. He's got, he's got that one little push over the finish line. That's all he's got, that guy. Yeah, he's got three pumps,

and she's got to be ready for them when they come so she can meet them. She wants to come together, but that's not going to happen if they start from the same place. Yeah. Yeah, she needs a big head start. I like the neighbor. The neighbor didn't even peek in at her changing or something.

It was her taking a dump. What's wrong with you? That guy's weird. He's like Chuck Berry. She's in her bedroom. I really want to wait till she's on the toilet. Yeah. I'm going to peek in that in the bathroom downstairs.

There is something sexy about that. Watching a woman who's so well put together in her lowest moment. What is right. All right. It's a good time about that. And by ended, I mean, I don't think we're coming back next week. All right. We want to thank our sponsors. Don't forget. Go to audible dot com slash papers or text 500-500 and get involved with uh with them also hello fresh is doing a very nice thing where they give you 12 free meals plus shipping if you go to hellofresh.com slash papers 12 it's more than free food you don't have to think about it yeah am. Am I the only one that I can't find anything in the supermarket? Well, I go to different ones depending on the lines out here and stuff, but it's like, so when I go to different ones, forget it. I am all,

I don't know. And you're always going to forget that one ingredient. I forgot to get cinnamon or parsley. Come on. I'm not going back. So i forgot salmon i got i got parsley you guys want parsley for dinner uh we also want to thank our guest today yeah enough to call in and we're going to see what happens when she comes to la at the end she was so sweet that was really nice and boy she was very inspiring inspiring work story and a very, very attractive woman, by the way, Elisa, Elisa, I should give out her Instagram. So you guys can check her out. Um, and then also, uh, mid coast media, Chris Denman, Beth hoops, put the show together for us every week. Thank you guys for doing that. Mike,

have a good rest of the weekend. Yeah. Right. What do you got? Kansas city got a show tonight. No, it's, so it's Sunday. What's your deal on Sunday? I'm back. I will have taken, I'm taking a hike with my nephew and my wife today. All right. For a little paddle tennis, maybe Monday or Tuesday, a little paddle. I like it. Let's get back out there. All right. We'll see you later take it east you're listening to

the sunday papers with greg and mike oh yeah Yeah. So get ready. Cause here it comes. Greg's about to scream. Read all about it. And Michael covers his ears like he did see it coming. I mean, come on, man. You've been doing the show since April. As for us, we're enjoying one good damn show.

You say you'll do an hour of but then you do two or more, which is good for us listeners who enjoy the show that you make. Support the sponsors.