Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 63 5/16/21

Episode Date: May 16, 2021

Chrissy Teigen and Ellen getting cancelled. Rough week for women, but none of their weeks were as bad as the woman in NC (NOT FLA!) who lit herself on fire while hoarding gasoline.

Have a Sunday, Leobow. Fool around with this and that. Tell them you're not coming out. Have a Sunday, Leobow. Everything can wait. Really doesn't matter. Do it later. Stick your head in the paper.

Have a Sunday, Leobow. Stretch it out like silly putty. Get your ass up long enough to make some coffee. Yeah. Read all about it. Read all about it. Oh, wow. Ellen DeGeneres, back in the news. We may or may not cover the story. Let's see two former writers with NDAs.

Don't tell them we have an NDA. By them, I mean the lawyers, all the lawyers listening. Yeah. That's not a good sound at the beginning of a podcast. Chris has an interesting question. You just went... Producer, quick. Oh, boy.

Producer Chris has an interesting question right before we start. Do the NDAs apply once the show's gone? An NDA is a non-disclosure agreement, which means you sign it as an employee usually, and or as a girlfriend of a Hollywood star. And that means you can't talk about anything that happened. I think she has to die before we can talk about it. So now it's just a waiting game. Now, I would say, putting my lawyer hat on, that for the same reason you cannot talk about it when the show's canceled is the same reason you can't talk about Ellen after God cancels Ellen.

Like if she died, because that is still an asset that could be soiled. It's still going to make money after it's gone. Speaking of which, do you still get residual checks? I got a residual check from Ellen the other day. I haven't worked there in 15 years. Oh, wow. Yeah. there in 15 years oh wow yeah um no because i was technically not a writer there because there was a sensitivity hiring me with the writers who didn't want me to be a writer they were i was supervising producer oh got it well you just missed out on $130 the fast way.

Wow. That's way, way higher than I thought it would be. Yeah. So I still get checks one cent, two cents all the time from other gigs. Oh yeah. No, there's an argument. If people don't know this, when you, when you're a writer or an actor, you get residuals and the residual checks that come in. Sometimes, like I did a CSI episode probably 15 years ago, and I still get checks, but sometimes they're for less than a stamp. They're spending more money getting me the check than the check is worth. And so a lot of people are going, why not just take all that loose change and put it into a fund for like out-of-work actors you know like older guys that you know don't have

money to retire i thought they did like i thought i remember hearing once that one union that had it shit together like sag after so whatever maybe it was AFTRA before it did merger with SAG, that it was like, you could pick the amount. Like let's say it was $4 that you're like, don't, don't send it to me. Um, because even though $4 is not nothing and it would add up if you got a lot of them, but it would go to a good cause. It would go to something like you're saying. And also you save on the mail, you say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that was a really, I thought that, and it was like a box you could check. And am I making that up?

I thought that existed. Yeah. Well, if it doesn't, it should. Yeah. So how are we doing? How are you feeling? I'm not feeling good. I have, I'm going off an antidepressant very slowly.

Oh. And I was doing good. I was tapering off it. Here's how you go off an antidepressant, people, if you're listening. First of all, you talk to your psychopharmacologist and you make sure you're doing it the right way. Good advice. Because people fucking literally commit suicide because they're withdraws from antidepressants. So I chopped off about 20% and I did that for two weeks another 20% for two more weeks I've

been doing that for the last month and a half and it wasn't I wasn't feeling it until three days ago and then all of a sudden I am just in the in a fog and dark but I'm trying to hang in I'm trying to work out and meditate my way through it. Wow. What's your excuse? You sound a little down too. What's my excuse? You were really funny though. We went, we went out, uh, it was the first time I was in the comedy store and over a year in any comedy club in over a year and a half. And, uh, it was a, it was a roast. It was kind of a private thing. You went up though. And I, and you were the best roaster, easily. Jeff Ross was there, David Spade. And I was saying goodbye to the manager there.

He was going to Austin to run Joe Rogan's club. You were really sharp and seemed in good spirits. Well, you know I can turn it on. I mean, that's the thing about my depression my entire life. Except on Sundays. It's most people's depression. You know, by Sunday, I got nothing. I got no fakeness left in the tank.

Yeah. You know, my entire life I've been depressed, but I've been able to put on a face in the same way my parents have. And everybody can't believe it when you say you have depression. have and everybody can't believe it when you say you have depression but it's the same way that like you pointed out to me and i never really thought about this that i've done this my entire life like when i walk into a party and i pump my fists and i scream my own name or we start the podcast and i scream read all about like that's me trying to snap out of the fucking darkness and get into the space of being funny. And it lasts as long as I need it to last. And then I go home and I, uh,

I beat the wife. I never talk about that. Yeah. Finally, you can admit would throw a move on the wife means you just pin her down and choke her for a minute and scream. I'm worthless. Yeah.

Um, but it's, but I've been really good over the years. I've gotten better and better and better. And now I just want to go off these antidepressants. What's the plan with the antidepressants? Mushrooms? I want to take a fistful of mushrooms in a state park with some good friends. What's the maintenance plan to maintain your it's not sanity to maintain your uh stability non-depressed state of mind i think it really is exercise

it's uh meditation and it's cognitive behavioral therapy which is just noticing your thoughts and this ties into meditation where you notice your thoughts and you break them down. When you start having a negative cycle about a thought about something, you recognize it and you say, that's all or nothing thinking. When you start saying,

I never get asked to do comedy festivals. And then you stop and you go, oh no, I did Montreal last year and I did Moon Tower the year before that And then you stop and you go, oh no, I did Montreal last year and I did Moon Tower the year before that. And you stop and you go, no, it's not all or nothing. It's somewhere in the middle. And so once you do that exercise, you can stop that, not every time, but most of the time you can stop that thought from cycling through your head by recognizing it and kind of coldly noticing it. There's a great book. I guess it's like the book on this. Is it called Get Happy or whatever? Feeling Good.

Feeling Good. You're right. And so I bought that. Of course, I haven't read it, but I did read a bunch of it. Well, first of all, it's like a 500 page book for people that have depression. Give me a fucking break. I know. Where's the cliff notes? I also, so I tried a little bit, right? And I'll be like, all right, so a negative thought would come up, right?

And then I do the exercise, they say. So let's make up one. Like, you're lazy, and you procrast you know, you're a piece of garbage. And so that'll come in my head, right? I'm like, hold on, that's stinking thinking. And, and then I'll be like, that's not true. You know, you take inventory, like you said, like, that's not true. I worked hard yesterday and you know, you're not lazy. And then I immediately go, but what, you're such a fucking loser for thinking that then. Like, why are you always thinking that?

Like, right. Right. There's so many layers on top of it. There's a lot of layers that are baked in. And especially when you try to do this shit at an advanced age as we are, you've got you got a lot of history to rewrite. And then I these sweet listeners right into this podcast, like you're really helping me through with the mental, like Jesus Christ, you must be on thin ice. If this is how this is, this is the thing that's helping you. Oh my God. You poor soul. Yeah. Yeah. But Hey,

glad you're here. Glad you're still here in the big sense. And, uh, yeah, I don't know. I'm doing, I listen, I'm doing all right. It's the end of the pandemic is I, we were in the club talking about this with another guy that we have, we have these, I can't, as you can tell, I can't articulate it. And what I can't articulate is there's this sadness coming out of like kind of a lockdown and I'm not saying the pandemic's over, but, but in America, we're coming out of, uh, like kind of a lockdown and I'm not saying the pandemic's over, but, but in America we're coming out of this lockdown and, you know, I don't think it's as simple as you fucking didn't get anything done or, or I, a lot of it is just go, are we going back to the shittiness? That's part of it. Like here's the shitty traffic. Here's the shitty people shooting each other.

Here's the you know, just it was a time out. We're going to look back at this time out like, God, couldn't we have changed things? Yeah, no, I I've been talking about that on stage, like life basically called our bluff, because in our adult lives, we've all walked around saying, if I just had some time, I, you know, I work so much. If I just had some time, I would do some mental health work on myself. I would exercise. I would learn French, whatever. And then and then life came along and went, here's a year. And we just crawled up in a ball and masturbated and watched Netflix and and did a puzzle.

Oh, I did a puzzle. Oh, you know, there's a to do list, whether it's even like, oh, we got to, you know, some are big. You know, we've got to repaint the kitchen or recabinet or, you know, we want to do this. Or I have a light bulb that's out that was bothering me before the pandemic. The fucking bad bulb is still in there. Yeah, that's a light bulb. How long does that take to change? Yeah.

Right. All right. How many guys does it take to change a light bulb during a pandemic? I wouldn't know. You're asking the wrong guy. Wrong guy. Yes. What do we got?

You've seemed kind of off for the last few weeks, actually. Yeah. I'm thinking a lot. You what? I've been taking too much Ambien, so I don't think at night. Oh. Yeah. So that's good, right?

That's a good habit. But did you get down about pitches or shows? Is that something that's factored in? Well, there's no work, really. So that's part of it. I think I'd be, I think, I also have these voices in my head from growing up, just like, I think from my dad, like work, work, work, work, work.

So when I don't, boy, I beat myself up. Yeah. But I'm not, hey, I'm not saying that, oh, that's why I work so hard. I don't. So it's a constant beating myself up. You know what you need to snap yourself out of it? Tell me.

A good yoga session with somebody who likes the Grateful Dead. There you go. All right. All right. Let me try to figure out where that could happen. With you there as a third wheel. I'm not coming. I'm not showing up.

Because you're not letting me be the third wheel. No, because it'll turn into a three-way, and I've never cheated on my wife. I don't want it to be with you in the room. I don't think a three-way with me. I don't even think Erin would view that as cheating. She'd be like, all right, do tell. I want to hear about that. Please tell me you didn't videotape anything.

Nobody needs to see that. Ugh, gross. It's grossing me out. Yeah. So speaking of childhood, you know, voices in your head and all that, your dad is in town. We're playing golf with him in a few hours. We are.

So, yeah, you saw I had a meltdown. I didn't have a melt. Oh, I do want to hear about your golfing yesterday, if you're willing to talk about it. Yeah, well, golf is supposed to be this peaceful. It's supposed to be a respite from life, you know, where you go and relax. And you are you, sir, are not made for golf. I think your mindset is made more for like badminton or boxing. Something where you're moving nonstop. Alright, easy. Listen,

I was... I don't own clubs. I've never played golf really. You own clubs. Well, Matt Malloy found clubs in the alley and gave them to me. Yeah, so you have clubs. Okay. Right, so you have clubs. Okay. Right.

I guess own meant I purchased. So I have clubs now that Matt gave me. Maybe he just lent them to me. I don't know. So anyway, and with those, this is, are we really good? Anyway, the quick story is I kind of was feeling good about it because I had nothing to lose and I was playing better than I thought like last month. Then I took some lessons. So all of a sudden I was vested in playing well.

And I like changed. Apparently I had a terrible swing. So I changed my grip, even shit like that. And then when I was out with you, it wasn't, you know, listen, I don't keep score, of course, but it's like, I just wanted to hit the ball. Well, uh, 50% of the time. And that didn't happen. And fuck it.

I was so, oh man, I had such a bad attitude. And you know, this is the thing. So getting it bigger than golf. When I was walking around with you the other day and Dennis Gubbins, the guy who, you know, get you, he can get you vaxxed before all the minorities in town and stuff. He, I was like, okay, you're a fucking adult. You tell your kids about good sportsmanship. You point to like famously good sports, you know, sportsmen who have, who are good losers. You emphasize how that's the challenge. And, and you're all fucking talk like what right now.

And you don't even give it. I don't even give a shit about golf. Like, can I shake this awful attitude I have right now? And I couldn't. And that's what compounded what I was going through. day and everybody's phones are off you're with three other good friends and and and it can be a perfect experience until you start actually playing the sport you're out there to play and then everything goes wrong it is so frustrating because it is a meditation golf is about letting go of the last bad shot and taking on the new shot in a way where you're confident, you're relaxed, you're present. And when you, when you lose that, it's extremely frustrating to continue to play, which is why I walked off the course yesterday.

Okay. Well, anyway, I want to get to that. The last thing I'll say about my, I tried everything. I did the, you're going to die. You're like, you're, you're going to die. And like, actually not that long from now. Also you're on this rock spinning, flying through fucking spaces. Nothing matters. Why not smile right this second? And I was just like, go fuck yourself.

So, all right. What happened to you yesterday? I don't know what happened. I tell you, I'm going off these antidepressants. So, I'm a little, I'm finding myself easily irritated. And so I'm playing golf with our friend Dennis Gubbins, who on the second hole starts yelling at a group two holes away from us to let people play up on a par three, to tell them to hurry up and play. Two holes away. He's screaming.

Meanwhile, they paired us up with the fifth player, which they do at this, this course we play at. We don't even know this guy. He's screaming. And then he's, uh, and then he's getting angry because I'm not giving him gimme putts.

And then he throws his club, throws his fucking club on the seventh hole. He's 50 years old. And he's a good golfer. He is a good golfer, but I guess he didn't like his putt or his chip or whatever. And I didn't walk off the course because of him. I think I was going to walk off anyway, but it certainly helped make my decision.

All right. Okay. So, cause he's, he joined this thing with my, this group with my dad, me, you and Matt today. Right. Right. So you're playing golf with him today. Oh, we're fine. We're fine. Oh, okay. You know, it's like having a brother who has a bad temper and you just sometimes don't want to be around it. He's listening to the podcast right now because he listens to it and he's very, very concerned about all the things we say about him.

And, you know, just how he, you know, he doesn't really respect minorities and he just wants all those white friends to get vaccinated and stuff. And he hates when we take those cheap shots at him. And it's hard because of his weight. Let's not do that today. Sometimes the weight stresses him out. We're not going to say that today.

Huh? And his weight. And then he starts eating more because, you know, he doesn't feel good about his belly right now or his hair and so uh he by the way he he's uh don't call him a ginger he's very sensitive about being called a ginger famous one-man show uh give me give me shade what was? What was it? I forget. He had a one-man show about his red hair. Yeah.

Anyway, let's give a shout-out to Matthew Buckner for this week's song. Holy shit. So cool. That was the punk song? No. The punk song is next week. Oh, okay. Go.

I'm sorry, Matthew. I got to... So you send me a bunch... You send me songs and stuff, and I listen to them, so I should... I'm going to go back, Matthew, and listen to that song. It's very well produced, and his daughter is singing backups on it, which is very nice. Oh, man. No, no.

I don't remember which one it is now. That's all you had to say? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she had a terrible voice. Yeah. I'm kidding you had to say. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she had a terrible voice. Yeah. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

And then the logo this week comes from Warwick Poole. Look at you. You're finally the male in the photo. I love it. Wait, what's the name of that famous painting again? Whistler's Mother? American Gothic? American Gothic.

Is it? I'm not sure. I think it is American Gothic. I'm going to retire. What's Whistler's Mother? I'm not sure. I think it is American Gothic. I'm going to retire. What's Whistler's mother? I just got that. I'm done. It's always about someone's mother for you.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Is that Picasso's mother? Jesus, Greg, they're not all about, you know. Corrections this week. We have just one that's from May Cook, who spells her name M-A-E. I like to be corrected by somebody whose first name is spelled wrong. Oh, by the way, I think on SNL, what's his name?

Musk. I think he introduced typical Asperger's, which he announced on SNL that he's the first host with Asperger's or at least the first to admit it. And he brought his mother out in May, but spelled with an E. She's like, thank you for spelling my name, Elon. She says your corrector was wrong. In French, strong translates to fort. Strong translates to fort. However, the use of forte is a translation from Italian,

which is pronounced with the E, strong E. So people who correct the pronunciation for fort, forte, are both wrong and correct, but usually for reasons I have no idea. All right, who gives a fuck? No, but I questioned it. It's forte. It's forte.

Will forte. Will forte. Yeah, it's Porsche, not Porsche. It's Forte, not Fort. And it's Nike, not Nike. I like it. Sorry, I'm in the middle of a text. Go ahead. Are you on the Ellen DeGeneres text? I did. I did just give a laugh to that because I think we'll read some of that. Yeah, we currently we may be distracted because of the Ellen, which we'll get to the Ellen story in a little bit. But it is there's a text chain running with the right the former writers from Ellen. And it's quite funny. I wish we could publish it. Let's get to the front page. page. Do it. Not too loud. Not too loud. Okay. A South Carolina woman. Ellen's from South Carolina. Is this your story or my story? This is your story. Is it? Okay. A South Carolina woman, similar to a Florida man,

who was hoarding gasoline caught on fire Thursday after her vehicle crashed. Don't. Keep going. You haven't even gotten to the funny part. And burst into flames. She accelerated the vehicle in an attempt to elude law enforcement. The deputy then activated his siren. Before they could complete radio traffic with the communications center,

the driver of the Pontiac lost control of the vehicle, leaving the roadway and completely flipping the vehicle. Authorities said multiple explosions could be heard coming from inside the car. Keep going. Keep going. When the driver identified as Jessica Gale Patterson got out of the car, she was on fire. That's the part. The deputy pushed Ms. Patterson to the ground in order to put out the flames.

They should have just been, like, license and registration. As she's burning. Excuse me, ma'am. Because sometimes you see the stop where they go, excuse me, ma'am. Would you mind putting out your cigarette while I check it? Excuse me, ma'am. Would you mind putting yourself out while I run your registration? The two cops are like, hey, Steve, have you ever seen metal in a microwave?

Watch this. And then they just tase her while she's on fire. Looks just like that. Yeah, this is on the new episode of Hoarders, Too Hot to Handle. Oh, the poor woman. Oh, no. I mean, I saw people filling up garbage bags full of gas and putting it in their cars. Yeah. Always a good idea. When I was little, we had an old, old dirt bike, right? Like tiny, like a 50cc thing or whatever.

And we couldn't get it started or whatever. Anyway, we pulled. All of a sudden, we're like, maybe it's old gas or whatever it was, right? Anyway, we took the little valve off the gas thing, and we had gotten styrofoam cups and then also like a styrofoam cooler so the gas would pour in there and just not all over the place. And anyway, we put it under, I think I'm, I think this is a thing. The gas goes right through styrofoam. It did for us. Maybe we had like,

sort of styrofoam cups from seven 11 or whateverven or whatever. But we had like four of them, and it was literally like a magic trick where you're like, whoa, it's under, whoa, it's under. And it just burned through all four of them. There was gas everywhere. I can't believe we didn't light ourselves on fire. I'm going to play a prank call that I made when I first started doing stand-up comedy.

It was me and Joe Rogan and Tom Cotter used to do prank calls together. Oh, wow. And one of them is I call up a rent-up comedy. It was me and Joe Rogan and Tom Cotter used to do prank calls together. Oh, wow. One of them is I call up a rent-a-car place with a thick Boston accent, and I said, I rented one of your cars, and we were carrying a pot of gas in it to fill up my friend Jamie's Trans Am,

and we hit a bump, and I was smoking, and the car's on fire. And this guy is freaking out because he's got Am and we hit a bump and I was smoking and the car's on fire. And, uh, and this guy is freaking out cause he's got his own business and he's got like five cars and he keeps asking which car it is. And I said, it doesn't matter. It's on fire. It was fucking hilarious. I put it on my first, uh, comedy album. I love it. And then Joe Rogan's like, yeah, the fucking masks don't work. I don't know why you're wearing them in the vaccines. Go fuck them. Uh, so yeah, I mean, I think the gas thing is they have gas again now, right? This was just a temporary thing. Um, the, the, yeah, the, the obviously the, the pipeline or whatever, it was a hack. We should know more about that story that they might've even paid ransom. Then I read another story in International today,

and it was another hack on a state or country utility asking for ransom. Yeah, well, Chris Denman just wrote that they paid five million bucks, which I think is the amount that the super PAC that he started, and masks and vaccines. So does they mean the U.S.? Is he talking about this fuel war? I'm not sure who paid it. Look it up. Find out.

No, he said no, the private company paid. Oh. Oh, wow. That's a bad precedent that's set. Because, you know, North Korea is basically just a call center for hackers. They have thousands of the smartest. I read an article about it in The New Yorker. They basically, North Korea locates kids

that seem to be excelling at math at a young age, and they put them into these accelerated programs. They sent them to international conferences to compete against math whizzes from other countries at young ages, and they win these contests. And their life's work is hacking. And there's thousands of them. There's also boy bands.

I guess those are the two things that they're really developing. Yeah, and the boy bands are just a front. They're just trying to get them out of the country so they can access other phone lines, other Internet lines. Right. Chris also just wrote that. By the way, if they were to ransom, if somebody were to ransom me $10,000 to get these boy bands to shut the fuck up, I would pay it. Come on, man.

They're pretty good. They're no Karongbin, but you know. So Chris also wrote, Mike, I know I may not matter, but it sounds like you're pulling away from the mic. So I think I had audio issues last week. Hopefully not this week. Oh, yeah. By the way, people did comment. Some people stopped listening last week because the audio was not good.

We had a glitch. I was listening last week because the audio was not good. We had a glitch. And we had to use the Zoom call audio instead of what we usually use, which is our own recorders. And I switched to these little Apple earrings that are in my ears now. That's the audio that's on this YouTube video. I don't know. We'll see.

Let's keep talking. By the way, are we going to start doing this in person again or not again for the first time? I don't know. It's a good question. I mean, the only issue is that we, we have video by doing it on a zoom call. If we were to do it in my office,

we would have to get cameras. In your office. Oh, all right. I thought it would be pretty crowded in this closet. It might be good if you came over here and we both did it in here. Weird you'd assume it's your office. We'll see.

And I have some tricky Saturdays coming up. All right, let's keep going. Oh, yeah. Next Saturday. Yeah, we got to talk about next week. Okay. You want to do your story? We're in the same. Oh, yeah. What, the watch? No, the one before that is the. Oh, yeah.

Well, this is Dodge coin millionaire. So this was a headline this week and I think it's been proven false. But boy, what a juicy headline. Excuse me. proven false, but boy, what a juicy headline. Excuse me. It was, it's hard to read what Chris is typing. A woman forced, is it Dogecoin? I think it's Dogecoin. Woman forced a Dogecoin millionaire she met on Tinder to ejaculate inside her at gunpoint. Cause he had, and then there was on Reddit and stuff. They're like, this is why you never tell people about your, you know, crypto. Don't tell people about your crypto. But I think it's kind of been proven false, but I did love that headline. And I'm like, that's, that's all right. So if I'm that guy, that's a lot of pressure. Like, all of a sudden there's a gun, and I have to complete what's going on?

Like, I remember times where a condom was enough to really distract me. Yeah, right. Now my life's being threatened? Or it could go the other way. Now the guy can only come at gunpoint. That's his new fetish. He's got to hire dominatrices to pull guns on him during sex.

What a winner. He's set for life and he just figured out his new sex hack. There was a comic named Steve Sweeney, who's now the, or Mike Sweeney,

who, Mike Sweeney, Mike Sweeney, who's the, he's the guy who runs Conan's show. So funny. He was a comedian and he had a joke. He's talking about a guy accused of rape who had to give a sperm sample.

And he's like, that is one bittersweet orgasm. That's fantastic. So I don't think the story is true but it was a very popular headline this week all right speaking of crime uh follow-up story we did a story about a month or two ago about the beverly hills robbery uh where they stole the watch in broad daylight lunch. So the three people who have been arrested after the $500,000 watch was stolen off the wrist of the patron in the restaurant. The three suspects who were arrested Tuesday were members of the Roland 30s Crips. It's the first I'm hearing about the Roland 30s Crips.

I think they were at my late show Friday. It's a bachelorette party of Roland 30s Crips. They're letting girls in now. Are there girl Crips? Probably, right? Fuck yeah.

They get raped into the gang. Oh. They do? What? Yeah, they get raped into the gang. Oh. They do? Are they just... What? Yeah, they get raped into the gang. Yeah, I don't think you're making this up. All right, I'm just going to keep moving forward. Oh, shit, I have a nondisclosure agreement with the Crips.

I shouldn't have said that. And they will enforce it. So a cell phone of one of the suspects was tracked near El Pisteo at the time of the robbery and images of guns and high-end watches were posted on his social media accounts, according to the FBI. I mean, so listen, it's one thing to brazenly rob someone in a crowded restaurant that has cameras, obviously, and it's in a busy intersection in the middle of the day. It's even crazier now that people know the deal with cell phones to even bring your cell phone to a planned robbery because they can completely track your exact locations at every minute. But then to post it

on social media, that's just the icing on the stupid cake. I mean, it's crazy. So I had one stupid thought, which is they should have like a dumb section in prison for all the really, Hey, like, what are you in for? Uh, I stole a purse. It wasn't much cash, but, uh, she had a 24 hour fitness pass in there. And you know, I hadn't been in the gym in a while so i was like listen i got a free pass now so i used it what about you oh i was hoarding gasoline in a stolen stolen car and i took off from the cops and it rolled and and then i lit on fire yeah yeah what are you in for i stole a car and then they busted me when i tried to update the registration on it at the DMV. Totally.

Yeah. You know, there would be a big section of really violent crime, too, that was also so stupid. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? If you spent $500,000 on a watch, fuck you. I hope it does get stolen. I mean, that is a classic Robin Hood story.

You know, the Crips are poor. Nobody ever points that out. Rich people don't join the Crips. It's people that are economically disadvantaged. They're going to steal stuff, and guess where they're going to spend it? In poor neighborhoods. Rob from the rich, give to the poor. If they were to rebrand the Crips and call themselves Robin Hood,

there would be much more sympathy for them. It's Biden's gang. It sounds like you just described Biden's tax plan. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, and it's funny because they vote blue and they dress blue. You better get that right. It's not red, is it? No, red is the bloods.

Blue is the crypts. Well, that makes sense. What do we got? What is this story? Tiffany Trump and Vanessa Trump got inappropriately and perhaps dangerously close to Secret Service agents who protected them during ex-president Donald Trump's White House reign, according to a new book. Trump's youngest daughter, Tiffany, who's now 27. You don't hear much about Tiffany, do you? You hear about the brothers a

lot, but you never hear about Tiffany. Right. Is she attractive? I can only imagine. Her dad's a looker. Yeah. Well, I would imagine she's been under the knife quite a bit. At 27, she's probably had... No, the Trump kids aren't bad. Listen, the Trump kids aren't bad-looking. They've... I don't know who's from whom, but they have good-looking moms. Yeah.

So she began spending... Tiffany began spending an unusual amount of time alone with a Secret Service agent on her detail after breaking up with her boyfriend. Oh. Yeah. This is like the bodyguard of the movie. Well, that's, yeah. I mean, it's like, do we have to play Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You every time we make love?

Seems a little on the nose. And he like i don't know do we have to watch a bond movie before we have sex every time so uh and then vanessa trump who uh started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family she had filed for a divorce from Donald Trump Jr. in March of 2018. The couple have five children together. It's unclear when her relationship with the agent started. So the speculation is that she was cheating on her husband, Donald Trump Jr., while in the White House. Maybe that happened in the body. I never saw the bodyguard.

Maybe that happened in there, too. Did that happened in the body. I never saw the bodyguard. Maybe that happened in there, too. Did you ever see the bodyguard? I don't think so. Why would I have seen the bodyguard? Did you see the bodyguard? I think she was just a big star who was single. I don't know. It was a giant movie at the time.

Yeah, but it's... I think Kevin Costner had kind of jumped the shark at that point. Maybe, or was that his jumping the shark? Oh, no, maybe that was his jumping the shark. Yeah. There was Dancing with Wolves, which was like, that was his Titanic. You know, the big corny movie that everybody watched and idiots loved and was a stupid movie. Yeah.

This one in AOC, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. Sure. On Wednesday afternoon, Georgia Republican representative Marjorie Taylor Greene sought to confront Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez outside the House, shouting that New York Democrat, quote, didn't care about the American people and asking, why do you support terrorists and Antifa? This was the first time that Greene had targeted Ocasio-Cortez.

By the way, fellow BU graduate, in February 2019, before she won her congressional seat, Greene went to AOC's congressional office and taunted the congresswoman and her staff through the mail slot in the door. She told AOC to get rid of your diaper and called her office a daycare. This is a representative. Yeah. Yeah. Asked about the videos on Friday morning, AOC said, quote, this is a woman that's deeply unwell and clearly needs help. And her kind of fixation has lasted for several years now.

At this point, I think the depth has raised concerns for other members as well. And so I think that this is an assessment that needs to be made by the proper professionals. Didn't she get a talking to? Didn't Green get a talking to by the Republicans about like, hey, take it down a notch? I'm not sure, but I don't think it helps that Nancy Pelosi was screaming chick fight in the House chamber. That doesn't seem professional. By the way, who do you think would win? This is an MMA fight made in heaven.

A Puerto Rican chick from the Bronx against a Georgia redneck with rage issues. Who would you take? That, I mean, that is a pay-per-view I am paying for. Oh, my God. The whole country would watch that. Yes. It might happen for free at the rate it's going in the halls of the Capitol. I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, I think that the green is bigger, I think. AOC, but AOC's from the Bronx. So green, yeah, but she went to BU. Green, that's soft. Green went to her house. That's not cool. No, she didn't go to her house, did she? Isn't that the first part of the story? Oh, outside the house. I think like the House of Representatives. Uh,

okay. Yeah. Oh, all right. Okay, good. I think she was chasing her down the street. I would worry about any politicians now, right or left, because there's an audience out there listening and, you know, things are desperate. I mean, look how many shootings there are. Yeah. People think not much, you know, there's not much to lose or where they've already lost some.

Yeah. I mean, who knows? But it's not it's not cool when it gets personal like that. Right. Right. It's not cool when it gets personal like that. Right, right. I mean, I can't think of something as baldly confrontational as this in the history of politics. Oh, no, that's not true. Somebody got shot in the house in the 1800s.

Oh, really? Yeah. Huh. It was somebody famous, too. It was a big... Chris, will you look that up? That somebody was actually... Not shot. Beat.

Beat with a stick. And put into, like, a coma in the house. Wow. Yeah. Huh. All right, let's get to entertainment. There it is. Alan DeGeneres, have a little fun today.

DeGeneres spoke with NBC's Today Show after announcing Wednesday her daytime talk show will end after its upcoming season, a decision she says was not not due to reports of a toxic work environment there. The TV host said, however, that, quote, I really did think about not coming back after the devastating allegations suggested that she is not a kind person. Asked if she felt like she was being canceled, DeGeneres said, quote, I really didn't understand it. I still don't understand it. It was too orchestrated. It was too coordinated.

Yeah, you know why? Because everybody had the same experience there. It wasn't a plan. It was a shared experience. Yeah. Now, I'm not saying I shared that experience. That would be breaking my NDA. I'm not saying I shared that experience. That would be breaking my NDA.

I'm saying from what I've read, a lot of people shared this experience. This is all public information. Yeah. Oh, wait, here's an update. Chris just wrote, The beating of Charles Sumner occurred on May 22nd, 1856 in the United States Senate chamber when Preston Brooks, a pro-slavery Democrat from South Carolina, used a walking cane to attack Senator Charles Sumner, an abolitionist Republican from Massachusetts. Yeah, I think he put him in a coma. It was a really bad beating.

It's like William Zanzinger. What's that? Used his cane. Used his cane over a racial issue wow right all right so anyway so ellen is uh before the civil war look at that geez yep it was right before the civil war yeah well wait you got to get to the juicy part on Ellen here. All right. So she said she thinks it was really interesting because I'm a woman and it did feel very misogynistic. She never saw anything that would even get to that point of there being a toxic work environment on her show, arguing that she couldn't have known about it when there's 255 employees here, unless I literally stayed here

until the last person goes home at night. I'd have to be the one to stand up and say, this can't be tolerated. No, no, she's not. 255 people aren't the ones complaining. It's the circle of, say, 40 people that are interacting with her every day. But also, no, you don't have to stay there. Just open your ears. Also, you've been sued, I imagine. There are public cases, I believe, and we may know about some,

where you have been called a toxic environment repeatedly yeah it's it's famous it's the most famous i'd say it's the most famous toxic show in hollywood easily i want to see her dancing i think she should still have to dance even though she's she's ending the show she's depressed she's attacked it's misogynistic and they still gotta play like happy by bruno mars or whoever wrote that fucking horrible song and she's gotta dance along to it this is what killed me though the headline earlier in the week was um she is not she's ending her show because it's no longer a challenge she's ending her show because it's no longer a challenge. Creatively?

She just said it's no longer a challenge. I guess the challenge was maintaining a toxic work environment. Yeah, right. And also keeping, not losing 40% of your viewers. I guess the challenge is over now. Right. The truth is the show's canceled. her saying she's ending it is spin the show is down

40% in the ratings yeah you know by the way I ended my sitcom after one season just because it wasn't challenging anymore right yeah we didn't do that well in the ratings and uh yeah it just wasn't challenging anymore. Like, could we have done more? Maybe.

Yeah. I stopped headlining Carolines in New York because it wasn't a challenge. Having only 70 people show up, it wasn't a challenge anymore. Yeah. Same with my marriage. It wasn't a challenge anymore. wasn't a challenge anymore. Yeah. Same with my marriage. It wasn't a challenge anymore. Ellen, you mean it got challenging. I think that's what you meant to say. The exact opposite of what you said. Yeah. All of a sudden you had to get involved. All you know, what accountability is challenging And also losing. At first, they lost 45% of their viewers. Maybe that's challenging. Yeah, what's challenging is trying to get back to where you were

before the world found out. Well, whatever. We're going to get sued for this. You know what? No, we're not. And you know what else is challenging, Ellen? Not taking your ball and going home because the game's not going your way. That's a challenge.

Having a good attitude on the golf course. She took up golf, by the way. I remember when we were at the show, she took up golf. I would love to see her playing a round of golf when the ball doesn't do what she tells it to do. Yeah. All right. Chrissy Teigen. Oh, boy.

Oh, no. Everybody loved Chrissy Teigen. She has so many fucking followers on Instagram. But this woman, Candace Owens, who's an investigative reporter, is continuing her takedown of Chrissy Teigen, labeling her a Hollywood predator, similar to Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein. Owens tweeted Friday that despite her predatory ways, Teigen has been able to get away with victimizing people for years

because she was protected by Hollywood. Quote, people wonder how people like Harvey Weinstein and Epstein were able to victimize people for years despite the fact that everybody knew. So, this comes from

she, what did she do? She attacked Courtney Stodden with abusive tweets and direct messages encouraging the former teen bride

to commit suicide. Yeah, she's the one that married the old guy. Yeah, she was 16 and she married some 50-year-old actor. I'm sorry, we're supposed to be saying they. They are a they. Who's a they? This girl, this person, Courtney Stodden, is a they. That's what, all right, if I was Chrissy Teigen's PR specialist, right,

Mr. Damage Control, I'd be like, Chrissy, listen, first paragraph with the reporter, right up front, you have to say you're now a they. Yes. It will be so confusing that that will become the story. Yeah, because nobody's going to know who did what. In the article, it's going to be like, and they told they that they should commit that they should kill themselves.

Yeah. Well, they and John Legend are happily married. Who? Wait, who? They and John Legend are happily married. Who? Wait, who? So Chrissy, you know, I worked with her.

I did a, I was the showrunner on the Carson Daly New Year's Eve show on NBC one year. And she was one of the, she was one of the co-hosts. And I'll tell you what, not a pleasure, not a pleasure to deal with. I heard so many great things about her, but no, I was put off all day. I was supposed to go through jokes with her for the show, and I got put off

for a day and a half, and then finally it was like two in the morning the night before New Year's, and she was having dinner with John Legend upstairs, and I had to be, I had a meeting at 7am to go through the show and then work all day and through midnight the next night. And then I got a call at 2am that she wants me to go meet with her and go

through the jokes. And I went, nope, too late. Going to bed. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

She probably wanted help with this tweet telling someone to kill themselves. I know, I could have stopped it all. I could have stopped the madness. You could have made it a little funny. You could have punched it up a little. Yeah. By the way, do you find her attractive?

I've worked with her, and yeah, I mean, yeah, she's attractive. I call most supermodels attractive. I feel like she's so homely, I almost feel sorry, she's attractive. Huh. I call most supermodels attractive. I feel like she's so homely, I almost feel sorry for her. Oh, boy. She's not homely, I don't think. I think she's kind of homely. That would be funny, though, back to the pronouns.

That when it's an accusation, she identifies as they. But when it's fine, it's like she. It's like they are being accused of encouraging this person to kill themselves. But she's happily married to John Legend and she denies the accusations against them. Right. Like just a whole different identity.

As a matter of fact, she gave a large donation to GLAAD last year and they were not complicit in a cover-up of not paying taxes on that money. There you go. Good luck, Chrissy. She's a judge now.

Florida man. All right. Okay. Florida man faces homicide charges after investigators following up on a tip about a missing woman found human remains buried in his backyard. The woman who tipped off the authorities said he had tried to get her to help him with the body. Tipped off the authorities, said he had tried to get her to help him with the body. She told investigators he asked her to be a lookout while he buried the body and threatened her if she refused, the report said. She ran to her home when she heard him dragging the woman's body, she reported.

First of all, I would believe this guy's threats. It's like the threats were probably like, you're next. But then it would be like, well, who's going to help you with me? You haven't thought this through. Right, right. No, it's like David Tell's joke. I'm going to be fine. David Tell's joke is a friend helps you move. A best friend helps you move a body.

It's like she's not your best friend she's your neighbor right but i did think that i'm not sure this guy's you know i don't know if they got the right guy or if he's deaf necessarily guilty because i think don't you think most excavations in florida backyards are to find human remains? Oh, yeah. It's like Cambodia. It's the killing fields. I think every backyard has something shady buried in it

for sure. Yeah. There's a car. There's a dead body. There's a gun. It's like a board game. You have to find each object in each backyard. That's perfect. And not get eaten by an alligator while you're trying to find it or a wild boar segue international news Italy, a wild boar cornered an Italian woman and stole her food, her groceries.

So this is a viral video. This is not like in remote, like Rolling Hills, Tuscany or something like that. This is like a smart and final here on Lincoln. It's, it's, it's, the video is really interesting. A group of wild boar surrounded a woman who had just come out of a supermarket near Rome and stole her groceries. And it's rekindled the debate about the animal's presence in Italian towns and cities. A video posted on social media shows the boar pursuing the woman. Actually, it's a group of boars pursuing the woman in the parking lot before raiding the shopping bag that she is forced to drop.

The Italian farmers have protested in recent years about wild boar wreaking havoc on their land and causing fatal road accidents. I like it. I like wild animals in urban settings. I think it keeps you on your feet. I think you get too kind of lethargic walking around a city. You go into your Starbucks. You get your coffee. You go to a yoga class.

The temperature's just right. You can get an Uber with your fingertip. And then all of a sudden, bear! It wakes you up. It makes you have to be in the moment. The video was really interesting, though, because she has her groceries going through the market being groped by a pack of

Italian men. But that was every woman in the parking lot. And then these boars weren't intimidated by these creeps, these Italian gropers, and they're like, still, we're after the food, guys. And the guys were like, we're not after the food. So they let those wild boars in.

And then they're like, oh, let's go find another gal. This one seems preoccupied. Yeah. Hey, are you going to take her to groceries? We're just going to palm her titties in her ass, okay? You ruined it. Now she has her hands to fight back. Hey, knock it off or I'm going to make a bacon out of you guys.

I'm kidding around. I'm kidding with you. Come on, you little piggy has a nice ass. Look at this one. A little curly Q above it. Oh. Sports. All right.

Let's do some sports. All right. Let's do some sports. This is a great story. So the Preakness is today, right? Two weeks ago was the Kentucky Derby, and the winner, Medina Spirit, failed a drug test after the Kentucky Derby and the winner, Medina Spirit, failed a drug test after the Kentucky Derby and has been, I guess, technically is not the winner. Although I think there might've been news right as we went to press here. But at the time of this, like two days ago, even yesterday, it was not the winner of the Kentucky Derby. So we'll get into the rest of the story in a second. But imagine that.

Imagine you bet all this money on the horse that came in second, right? Now that horse is being declared the winner. You don't win any money. Is that true? Is that how it works? Dude, you buy a ticket and you go up to the window and you cash it. You're gone. Right.

There's no identity. So even though this horse is no longer considered the winner, all the money that's changed hands stays where it is. So I looked it up, right? And I think I have this right. I think this is the Kentucky Derby finishing positions.

So Medina Spirit was first. Medina Spirit was 12-1. Mandaloon came in second. Wait for it. 27-1. Oh. Holy shit. Imagine you're holding the Mandaloon

ticket for first place. Holy crap. Damn. I mean, please send in your corrections on this one if we have this wrong. But, I mean, maybe the really big bets because the IRS gets involved. But I don't think that happens until you win. Right. You could go up there with a ton of cash, it all on you know the site the guy that the horse

that came in second originally and then i don't think you're dealing with identity and ids till you're a winner you don't need to if you lose well look at the uh look at the houston astros winning the world series stealing signals from the Dodgers. I mean, that money changed hands. There was a lot of people that bet on that game. Yeah, except aren't they still the winners? In other words, this is like we're telling you the winner was the horse that came in second. Yeah, right.

That's kind of crazy. Anyway, so Medina Spirit is racing today and is one of the favorites. Of course, it's on drugs. And Hall of Fame trainer Bob Baffert first claimed in this controversy after Kentucky that Medina Spirit wasn't given bethamicinone, that's just how I'm going to pronounce it, at all, and now says it was an ingredient in a topical antifungal ointment the animal was given once a day before the race to treat dermatitis. But he has made similar claims in the past that proved false. By any reasonable standard, he's a serial offender of race day anti-doping rules. Over the last 40 years, the Silver Hair Trainers horses have failed 30 drug tests, five of those within the last

two years. At the 2020 Kentucky Oaks race, a horse that he trained and named Gamine, Gamine, I guess, failed a test for the same drug found in Medina Spirit. And then they go on to say these scandals aren't just a matter of cheating the racing public. It's dangerous for the horses, their riders, and those that race with them. Over the past three years alone, three years, more than 2,000 horses have died at American racetracks, and the body count continues to climb. Wow. That takes the fun out of it. Chris just confirmed the Washington Post says runner-up bettors do not cash in.

Wait, does that mean they're not, the people that bet on the runner-up are not going to win now? They're not going to get any cash. No, they're shit out of luck. Although now it took a second drug test, and I don't know how it did on that one. But this guy is a proven liar. Why is he allowed to continue to train horses if he's got this record? I mean, shouldn't there be like a three strikes law or something?

this record. I mean, shouldn't there be like a three strikes law or something? And worse, like just bald-faced lying when they've investigated, when they've caught him. Right. Yeah. He has two horses in today's race, by the way.

And they're both favored. They're in the top five. Wow. Yep. So, that's that craziness huh i've never been i've never been a i do this thing with jojo every night when i uh i walk the dogs and then uh she sleeps hannah sleeps in jojo's bed. And so I always bring Hannah back to her room at the end of the night. And for the last, I want to say two months, every single night I bring the dog back, I do a joke. Like I put a hat on her or I put on a mask or I put tinfoil around her head and say that she's trying to get cable for free.

I put tinfoil around her head and say that she's trying to get cable for free. Or I put her in a suitcase and I go, I just picked up Hannah at the airport and she's locked in a suitcase. So every fucking night I do a different joke. And there's nights I have to spend like 10 minutes before I go in trying to think of something funny to do. No, totally. And so on the day that this horse race took place, I got two pieces of paper and I taped them to the side of her and it said number 13 on the side like she was a racehorse. So all of this, so much fun for the dog. It doesn't want to go on a walk anymore.

Like, oh, great. Last night I was in a suitcase. Now you got some scotch tape sticking to my hair. No, she constantly, I put an ace bandage around one of her legs so it looked like she broke it. Every night she hides under the table after the walk.

Come here, I gotta put your little tap dance shoes on. Oh, here you go with your ski boots. Yeah. There's a, it was an empty coffee cup box, you know, the little cups. And I put it over her head. It looked exactly like a fucking helmet.

I need ideas, though. If you guys have any ideas for my dog, send them in. I'm running out. I'm running dry. Chris wrote, the horses need to unionize. Interesting. He thinks all unions should be disbanded and violently broken up, except the animal unions. Okay. All right.

Interesting. Except for QAnon is a union that I think he thinks should be continued. Let's do some science. All right. This is a juicy one. Go ahead.

I think it's yours. Woman, a woman wakes up days after surgery with a different accent. A woman who's never been to Ireland woke up with an Irish accent. And this was widely reported this week. And I, listen, I don't have a lot of Irish pride, but I was a little offended because it's like, yeah, okay. but I was a little offended because it's like, yeah, okay. I guess everyone who wakes up from surgery and is slurring like they're shit-faced, you're going to call it an Irish accent.

Right, right, right, right. Not cool. What are all these lights around me? Who are these men in smocks? What the hell is going on here? What the fuck? Where am I? Oh, look at this Irish lady all of a sudden.

I think she just knows that the Irish health care system is socialized and she's thinking she won't have to pay. Maybe we should be looking at the doctor because maybe she has the Irish accent because she woke up pregnant. The Irish get pregnant a lot, Greg. Yeah. We can make that joke. If it was a Mexican woman, would not have gone there.

That's right. Because it doesn't make sense. But the Irish. I was in an Irish hospital when I went to Ireland when I was 18. I was backpacking around Europe for six months and my first stop was Ireland. And after about a week,

I was staying in this Airbnb in Dublin. Not Airbnb, just a bed and breakfast. And the thing about Ireland is it's actually a subtropic climate, even though it's cold. It's extremely humid. Everything is musty. And Irish people are famous for having asthma because they come from this environment. And so I had asthma my whole life. When I was a kid, I used to get shots every single week for years because I would have these asthma attacks and I'd end up in the hospital.

And so I was in the Airbnb and all of a sudden I had an attack like I hadn't had in 10 years. And I literally, Mike, I could could not breathe i was struggling for every breath is this when you went to the hospital so they took so the woman that ran the uh bed and breakfast was this fucking enormous irish woman and she carried me down the street to a hospital and uh and they put me on a uh a ventilator and an iv drip for like a week and not not the not the ventilator for a week but they had the iv drip in me for a week and uh the woman used to come in every day this nurse and she would fucking pound on my back to loosen up the phlegm and all these drugs for a week and i'm thinking to myself all right i had three thousand dollars for the trip to try to last for six months this is the beginning

of the trip and i'm like all right i guess i'm going home because this this is going to cost three thousand dollars so i finish i go to checkout they give me a bottle of pills an inhaler and i go all right what do i owe you? And they're like, oh, you're all set, son. There's no charge. I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Nothing. Well, I think they felt sorry for you because they realized the asthma also hurt your memory significantly because you've told this story on the podcast. By the way, did the hospital also hire you a psychiatrist so you could feel like a man again? After the little asthma child was carried by a woman to the hospital? I was skinny back then.

By the way, feel free to stop me halfway through a story that I've already fucking told. No, because it's a nice build. And I think the listeners are like, is Gibbons going to call him out on this? Jesus Christ. It's a good story. I wanted to hear it again. I kind of said, is this when you went to the hospital? I kind of gave you a little hint there.

It's my free bird. Keep in mind. I repeat myself all the time. People hold up their lighters when they're listening to Sunday Papers. It is. That was an encore. Yeah, why can't we? Yeah, you listen to the same Stones album. There are no surprises on there.

It's like the podcast. Bert Kreischer closed with the same story for 10 years, and guess what? They gave him a fucking movie deal. Yeah. They're shooting that story now in Serbia. And by the way, not putting up our podcast. People keep asking, when's Bert going to publish your podcast? Well, he's still putting up ones.

I think he backlogged a bunch of them. Yeah, I think he banked a bunch and he's waiting for ours. But, you know, apparently, according to Chris, he said that it's oneed a bunch and he's waiting for ours but uh you know apparently according to chris he said that it's one of the best podcasts he's ever done all right there we go uh all right let's do a little bit of uh let's check in on business oh god gentle gentle crinkling yeah oh that's okay bitcoin price big week in cryptocurrency bitcoin prices plummeted about 12 to less than 50 000 in the last 24 hours it came after elon musk uh a vocal bitcoin advocate said his company was suspending plans to accept the cryptocurrency as payment for electric

vehicles citing its high environmental costs. When the Bitcoin tops out and the bubble bursts, all those glory hodges will move away to another market. So Ethereum is off 14%. I don't understand any of this. Dogecoin or Dogecoin is down about 40%. I thought crypto was made up. There are actual coins?

No. What's the environmental cost? I know I'm very ignorant, but I don't know. When they mine for the coin, which means it's not... Somebody sent us an email trying to clarify this, but the electricity... I think everyone but me knows it, so we don't have to bore them. I'll look it up.

It just takes a lot of energy to mine the new coins, whatever the fuck that means. It takes a lot of energy to convince everybody that there's some sort of backing that's worth something behind these numbers. I mean, this is really, this is a game. This is not investing. This is a fantasy league that

people are playing in. And, you know, I was tempted to get in and I definitely, and I was told to get in when it was down to 30. I could have gotten in. And I said, you know what? One day this shit is going to crash. And this is just a hint of how volatile it is. Yeah. I did well this week when the market got a little realistic regarding inflation. Anyway, then, of course, the market just shot up the last two days. So I just can't even take it anymore.

Well, stop betting against it. I told you the next two years are going to be strong. The Investopedia, people can continue to invest in that. I didn't check this week on who's up and who's down, but we'll look at it next week. I did well at one point, and then when the market shot up, it was like, I'm not looking. All right, what do we got? Let's do this day in history.

All right, what do we got? Let's do this day in history. If we must. On May 1st, 1929. May 1st. Why is it May 1st? It's supposed to be this day in history. Interesting.

Go ahead. Yeah. Wait, what's today's date? Today's May 16th. It was the Oscars, though. You know, they go very long. So it probably went until the 16th. Well, in 1929 was the first Oscars.

This month in history? Yeah. All right, fuck it. I don't want to read it if it's not the right day. Yeah, it was a tiny little ceremony, and it was a lot better than this last year's ceremony. Well, you know, the Porn Awards started with, like, 20 or 30 people in a room in Vegas giving out awards in the first year. That's what they were doing in the room together?

Okay. That's right. Here's your reward. That could either be a fart or something else. All right. We're going to do this Ask Amy this week. We're finally going to do Ask Amy. You didn't even put it in.

I had to go find it and put it back in. Dear Amy, a year ago, my husband and i went to visit the relatives for a week at the time i was pregnant with my first baby toward the end toward the end of our visit while conversing in the kitchen my brother-in-law showed us some pictures of us that he had uploaded onto his ipad he handed my husband his ipad to have closer look. In that moment, going through the pictures, we saw some other pictures. The moment was brief, but we both saw pictures saved on the iPad of nude young girls. They appeared to be very young, prepubescent girls. My husband and I saw these photos very briefly, and the next thing we knew,

the iPad was back in his brother's hands. At this point, Amy must be like, why are you writing? Wait a minute. Do you know what I do, right? I give out useless advice about like, should I bring a dessert? All right. My gut instinct told me that something wasn't right. Really? Wait, hold on. That was your gut instinct? Like your deep down feeling after seeing prepubescent naked girls was like, yeah, like, you know, normally I don't trust my instincts,

but I had this instinct that that was wrong. Yeah. I mean, my head was saying, this all checks out. But something in my gut. Everything was cool. Husband was cool. But I had that gnawing little annoying, that inkling that like, wait a minute. Those really young girls naked on this guy's iPad.

I don't think it's kosher. So my gut instinct told me that something wasn't right. Amy, I chose to not report it as we didn't know for sure what we saw and I didn't want to stir up drama. So here we are a year later and i'm involving you amy now you're part of this so here we are a year later and the whole thing still doesn't sit well with me well why all those girls are a year older now i think everything's cool right right anytime i bring it up, my husband says we should have reported it when we first saw it. It's like, and, um,

I'm torn. I can barely talk to his brother. I don't want him staying with us to make it more complicated. He's my baby's uncle. Should I leave it alone? How do I know if it was anything that warranted being reported or if it was just some type of fetish thing uh it could be just both just some type of fetish thing no that's exactly what it is it's yeah i mean pedophilia is a fetish isn't it i guess under a maybe a broad definition of fetish sure it's also intensely criminal

it's the worst worst thing on earth i think right isn't it the worst thing on earth i think it's the worst thing on earth i think it's the only thing that I would kill somebody over. If I knew somebody was a pedophile and they were actively molesting kids, I could kill them with a clear conscience. You know, there's a, I think maybe even a documentary, there was a pedophile. I think the son, I'm probably getting some of this wrong, but the famous scene was the guy was being escorted back with cuffs. Uh, and he landed and he's in the airport and the father went right up to him and shot him in the head and then immediately dropped the gun, like put his hands up. And I believe, I think I have this story. I think I have most of it right. But, and I believe that father,

then the sentence was like, basically you're cool. Go home. Really? Yeah. The judge was like, this adds up. I think this makes sense to everybody in here. No, of course. They had to hide behind something like time served, you know, for however many months the trial was or whatever it was. But basically it was like, that's cool. Yeah. Like not, not cool, but we're not going to get involved. It seems like justice was served. Yeah. I mean the only, uh, if the guy gets convicted, he, it's almost worse than being

killed because they'll, they do a number on you. I know from friends, I have friends that were in prison and they said when somebody came in and they were a child molester, they would get raped and beaten on a regular basis. Yeah. It's called small eyes. I think there was a movie, an unbelievably disturbing movie called small eyes that somehow was on tv before cable and i watched it like as a young teenager and i was like you know it was crazy it was definitely too much yeah um so i had i had these pictures one time like my i had an ip, and it was connected to my phone. And my friend, Tom Cotter, who I mentioned earlier, he had emailed me a picture. This is early on into the iPhone thing.

And he had emailed me a picture of a girl, a beautiful naked girl, doing a back bridge and sucking a guy's dick. Like, the guy was standing there. Easy. Yeah. Okay. And her, his dick was in her mouth. And anyway,

the iPad was up in the kitchen and we're looking at it and it was scrolling pictures. And it was like, you know, Owen playing trumpet, us taking a hike, girl doing a bridge with a dick in her mouth. And I was like,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And the kids, the kids were like, Hmm.

Five and seven. Yeah. Like if you're the brother in this story, yeah. Like, you know, that's on there. Obviously.

No, I didn't know. It automatically downloaded to my photos. I didn't know that it had it grabbed it from my emails so maybe that's the same thing for this this poor brother in law yeah poor guy

alright let's do some letters wait so wait what would you do what would you do in this case forget it forget ask Amy you're the woman I would absolutely 100% report him to the authorities and say this guy needs to be checked out. I saw something. I wouldn't do that. What would you do?

I mean, it's close. I'm on the right side of this issue. I would go over to the brothers with my fucking lame ass husband in this story. But as the couple, I would go over and, um, not even say you want to have a talk with them, but anyway, just go over, we were in the neighborhood. And then, so there's no warning and you sit down with them and you tell them this and which is hard to do. And please, can you prove to us that it's not. And if he refuses to get the iPad, that's when I'm calling the authorities. Yeah, but then he's going to get rid of the pictures.

I don't think you can erase that. Really? And maybe you call the authorities in that moment, and you're sitting there with them. Yeah. If my brother was a pedophile, and that confrontation happened, and then he's like, listen, this is ridiculous.

I'm not getting it. I can't believe, you know, I want you guys to leave. That you would accuse me of this. I now am preventing my brother from going to his iPad as my wife calls the police. You'd physically stop him. It would be a gigantic, clearly it would become a gigantic fight, obviously. Right. He's going to be fighting for his life. Yeah. Yeah. And I would happily take part in that fight. So why not just call the authorities in the first place? Because this woman also sounds like a complete idiot from everything she wrote. And I think

these could have been 20 or 21 year old, 25 year old women on his iPad who are naked, who are shaved. She probably doesn't even know women. Who knows? There could be a huge margin of error. And I think that accusation is really hard to shake. Even when people prove it, the accusation's awful. That's true. There was a documentary. I can't remember what it was,

but I've watched so many documentaries during this pandemic. But there was a guy, remember what it was but uh i've watched so many documentaries during this uh pandemic but there was a guy and he had taken a picture of his daughter in the bathtub she was like five and it was on his roll of film he got it developed the guy at the uh pharmacy called the police this guy was convicted of whatever it is taking a picture of a minor or whatever, it fucking ruined his life. He's like, uh, Megan's law has to knock on doors when he moves to a new neighborhood, the whole thing ruined his life. Yeah. I mean, we don't have to go into it, but you know, there's even like, you know, high school kids who are under 18 or the age of consent and they

have pictures of each other fooling around and having sex or oral or whatever it is. If they send it, they, even if they're the subject can be tried for, um, child pornography. Right. Oh,

really? Yes. Huh? If like they send it to, like if they send it to him or friends or whoever they say it doesn't matter who they send it to that is that is absolutely and there's a phrase for whatever that is but of a child pornography absolutely yeah it's crazy thank god i didn't have there were no video cameras when i was fooling around with girls who knows you know you do it you do it for fun

and did you ever videotape yourself having sex well it was super eight so i had to have the right lighting and then i had to process the film and color correct it so it was a it was a hole but yes of course then you had to blur the genitals it's also distracting trying to get it on where it's like, you have the Zapruder thing going on? All right. Letters to the editor. Jim O'Brien says, we were talking about concerts,

what our first concerts were. He says, my first concert was Sean Cassidy at nine, not to be outdone by my second concert, Barry Manilow at ten. How am I straight? I mean, the jury's still out on that, probably. Yeah, Jim O'Brien.

If you're, uh, what was your first concert again? I forget. Cher. No. The Kinks, your favorite band. Oh, yeah, that's right, the Kinks. Madison Square Garden. I'm the goddamn Bay City Rollers.

What's the last concert you went to? Ooh. Oh, that's a great question. We were supposed to go see the Rolling Stones. Remember, we had tickets for the Stones last spring when it got canceled. We were going to San Diego to see them because they were so surprisingly amazing at the Rose Bowl here in L.A. So, I don't know. Hey, did you just see Grateful Dead with John Mayer announced Halloween at the Hollywood Bowl? No.

First of all, a whole tour around the country. bowl no first of all a whole tour around the country and then los angeles is the three nights at the hollywood bowl october 29 30 31 we got to get tickets to that a hot totally everybody's in costume dancing tripping they're not costumes they're not costumes, Greg. That's what these earth pigs wear. Yeah. But, you know, I was there, and I actually live streamed. It was such a spectacle. It was the only show I've ever seen at the Hollywood Bowl where they just threw the rules out,

and you could dance in the aisles and the giant walkways between the sections. So the whole place was dancing, yeah. That's amazing. My last concert was Slater Kinney. You know Slater Kinney? Yeah, is it Sleater or Slater? I think it's Slater.

They're amazing. I could be wrong. Where did you see them? I saw them, I think it was... In 85? No, no, no. They just had a new album come out a couple years ago. So I go to the show,

and the opening act was this fucking weirdo, kind of folk... I can't even describe him. It was so fucking... It was so bad, it was good. And then... Oh, now I'm hearing from our producer, it's Sleet, Sleeter Kinney. Sleeter. I'm staying corrected.

So then, so we watch him, and then there's like a, there's a little change, they're changing out the instruments, what do they call that, before the next band comes on. And so I go out to the balcony where people are smoking and i see uh fred armisen and i'm like and he's dressed as the opening act that i just saw on stage it was him in disguise playing a character and it was so fucking funny i was dying i was like that was fucking you uh yeah it was yeah it was great that's really that's amazing yeah very good uh obituaries and that's all folks oh boy spencer silver he worked for 3m 30 years, from 66 until he retired in 96. But it was early in his career that he developed his most memorable invention.

He was working on to create a powerful adhesive used in building airplanes. What he came up with wasn't strong enough for that, but it had interesting properties. It stuck well to surfaces but could not be peeled off but could be peeled off and repositioned he used silver's adhesive to develop the first ready for this post-it notes yep so he died he was inducted into the national inventors hall of fame in 2010 do you have any idea how fucking rich that guy was? Or you wonder, if he was working for 3M... That's what I mean.

I'm surprised we even know this story. Do you think that he got the patent, or do you think that 3M got the patent, or do you think he gets a percentage of the patent? Well, he probably put a ton of Post-it notes in the boss's office, like, remember Spencer at bonus time, just all over his computer screen and door. Don't forget these things, where they came from. Yeah.

No, I don't think he has the patent at all. No way. I mean, I'm surprised we even know this story. Yeah. Why wouldn't 3M just take credit for it? That's what we paid you. We paid you to invent shit. You did it.

Yeah. By the way, that's totally with Steve Jobs. You think Steve Jobs gave any goddamn credit? Remember, it was Sorkin picked up on it, but it was true. He refused. Wozniak begged him, can you please fucking mention the creator of the mouse? Can you please

fucking mention his name, his family's, like, nope. I did it. Yeah. And all these geeks will know a million other examples of people that should get the credit, even though they worked for Apple on all these breakthroughs. You know, Bill Burr has that thing where it's like he gets all this credit.

Meanwhile, he was just this maniac who's like, I want it smaller. And it's like, boss, you said you wanted a thousand songs on a thing the size of a quarter. He's like, make it 2,000. That's what this inventor did. He screamed at inventors. It says here that his estimated net worth is $1.5 million, so he did not have a patent. Wow.

His last Post-it was right by his bedside table. Like, when you wake up, kill yourself. Yeah, right. Update resume. Network. Yeah. Don't forget to sue 3M. What would it have taken 3M to take care of that guy?

I know. And what a story. Yep. Everyone would be working at home on, like, the next thing because, oh, well, 3M will take care of me for life, make me famous. What a great company. If they had given him one-tenth tenth of one percent he would be a billionaire right now oh jesus it's it's terrible all right let's get to the lockhorns leroy this is fucking great first of all the artwork on the lockhorns is unbelievable this guy has such a cool style

leroy is looking kind of disheveled. They're at the water cooler in the break room. And there's a fairly attractive woman in a short skirt, high heels, sipping some water. And Leroy is looking at her kind of lasciviously. And she goes, my sign? Well, the one on my desk says vice president of personnel. Well, the one on my desk says vice president of personnel. That is a good joke. You weren't given much space. You make it implicit what he said.

We just hear her response. That was well done. And the art is fucking, it's just so great. Yeah. And then the next one is Leroy and Loretta are sitting at an outdoor cafe, and there's a number of people that seem to be looking at them out of the corners of their eyes. And Leroy goes, does it appear to you that more people are watching us

than we're watching people? Which is kind of, I just think what I like about it is it kind of taps into how you always feel when you're in a restaurant because you're trying to look at people, but you don't want them looking at you. I like that one a lot. Hager the Horrible. There's a prince and he's sitting in his princely little living room. He's got some, there's a candelabra and there's a little dog.

And he's got his beautiful girlfriend, wife, snuggling up against him. And he says, my sweetest darling, even if we lost all this, I could be happy with you in a one room hovel. And then the girl sits up,, shitless, eyes wide. She goes, are you expecting a visit from Hager? Will I, in fact, be raped tonight? In fact, I mean, imagine living in that kind of fear. It's just constant. If you're a prince, you're you know, your woman is going to be raped occasionally. I mean, imagine living in that kind of fear. It's just constant.

If you're a prince, you're, you know, your woman is going to be raped occasionally. And dude, they said when the tsunami came in, you know, in the South Pacific, that all of a sudden you saw animals running uphill before humans knew what was going on. Look at the dog in the frame. The dog knows the rape's coming. The dog is sitting there staring at them like it's waiting for a treat in the first frame. The second frame, you see the dog's ass as it's getting the hell out of there. This tsunami of rape is heading your way.

Yeah, even the dogs get raped. When Hager's boys show up, man, there's just dicks flying. Get out of the way. I'm surprised its tail's not down covering that thing. All right, let's do a little family circus. We've set the tea. We've teed it up with good comedy in the comics.

And then here we are, a crashing thud. I just pasted this in before we started the comics. And then here we are, a crashing thud. I just pasted this in before we started the podcast. I'm just like, I really got to keep my word and not do these. So the father and then that little shitty kid with the orange hair. Billy. His name's Billy. Are out in this field and the father's digging a hole. out in this field and the father's digging a hole and the son says, why are you burying that hole?

No, I think you're reading it wrong. It looks like the dirt is coming off the shovel into the hole. He's looks like he's probably burying a pet or something. No, you're right. He is putting, you know what it is? There's a tree in the background. None of this matters. burying a pet or something. No. You're right. He is putting, you know what it is? There's a tree in the background. None of this matters.

It's just the word play. Why are you burying that hole? So you see the tree. So they took a tree out and now he's putting the soil back in. Yeah. Okay. Doesn't matter. He's shoveling and the little kid goes, why are you burying that hole? It's like, why are you scratching that itch?

Like you could look up a fucking ton of these. And then there's your month, I guess. If that's the bar is that low or why are you itching your scratch or scratching your itch, whatever. Hey mommy, am I scratching my itch or itching my skin? Like who gives. Whatever. Hey, mommy, am I scratching my itch or itching my skin? Like, who gives?

Do you think Jeff Keen thinks of these things, or do you think he has a child who's on the spectrum, maybe a little Asperger's-y, and he says, I get the kid on Saturdays because I got to turn in a cartoon on Sunday. I need him to say something inane that I can write down. I only need him for five minutes. I'm not going to work that hard on this. I actually think he puts in way less effort. First of all, I don't think he's fit to be a father. So I don't think he would get visitation even for one day. And I think he looks up malapropisms and he looks up other confusing phrases and there's books,

there's grammar books even with these. And then he works backwards from finding some stupid ass wordplay. Yeah. He's a, and you see him holding that shovel and you see the kid saying something this fucking insipid. And there's a part of you that fantasize that the father picks up the shovel and strikes Billy in the forehead with it yeah and that's right i said forehead dad wait you were burying a hole now you're burying me

dad why are you digging the hole deeper now since I said that? Wait, Dad, you know I'm no longer in a hole if you put the earth back in it. It's no longer a hole, so you can't bury me in a hole. Holy fuck. It's so crazy. Now, Blondie, this week you'll notice it is missing from the script, and I'll tell you why. I go to this site. This site lists all of the Blondie cartoons for the week.

And they figured you out. I find the best one. thinks Dagwood is the punchline in these, or he's the driver of the comedy in the comic strip because all the comic strips this week were about Dagwood. Him at work, him at the deli, him sleeping in a hammock, nothing with Blondie. And I was like, I'm not looking any further than that. Fuck off. You don't even get why people look at your cartoon. Half the people are masturbating. They don't even get why people look at your cartoon. Half the people are masturbating.

They don't give a shit about Dagwood. That's the same thing. I should take it easy on Family Circus. Half the people are probably jerking off to this. Why? That's right. Just let the Keens make their money. It's there for a reason.

The guy from Ask Amy, that's his favorite comic strip. Family Circus. Yeah, totally. Alright, Mike, well listen, I'm going to see you in three hours. We're going to play some golf. We're both going to have a positive attitude. We're going to let go

of each bad shot. We're going to enjoy the day. Not only is my dad there, I'm going to work on that. I'm going to, instead of telling myself to F off, I'm going to enjoy the day. I'm actually going to work. I mean, not only is my dad there, I'm going to work on that. Instead of telling myself to F off, I'm going to, if I hit a bad shot, that makes sense. I'm a bad golfer. I don't golf, really. I'm starting. Right.

Don't have a shame spiral. You said that at the course. He's like, you're really spiraling out. I couldn't even give you a smile. But you never even last the whole round. You always check out about 70% of the way out there, and you say, why is this taking so long? You're too hyper.

I'm surprised your dad can play, because he's got the same personality you do. So I didn't play with you a few times when I was playing kind of well. The 9th, listen, I same personality you do. So I didn't play with you a few times when I was playing kind of well. The nine, listen, I will grant you that. The 18 is, I don't understand. You know, and there's no real reason why it's 18 holes. I've looked it up.

It's rather arbitrary. I mean, I know it makes sense that it's even, you know, like, you know, whatever it is. But anyway, maybe not even that. 18, forget it. But nine, it know, whatever it is. But anyway, maybe not even that. 18, forget it. But nine, it was kind of making sense. You know, like the other day, we played pretty quickly. There weren't people in front of us or any of that stuff.

And when you're playing well, it's like, listen, when you're playing well, it's a whole different game. Because then it's like now you're playing against something, which is, I don't know, par or your best, whatever it is. Yeah. Then it makes a lot of sense. And you try different things. There's a lot of gambling when we play also, and that can start to get distracting from the game. Yeah, I'm never doing that again because, yeah, I can't even think about par or whatever. I just got to think about, hey, try to hit this ball towards that flag.

Right. All right. Well, I'm psyched to see your dad and we're going to have a nice day. And then we got volleyball tomorrow. Yeah, I heard about that. I have to take Olivia to get vaccinated, I think, because she's 15. She's 16 in August. And they opened the doors on that, obviously. Okay.

Yeah, so we'll see. I have some things to do tomorrow morning regarding—there's still COVID, Greg. I don't know if you've heard. It's over, as far as I'm concerned. It's over. Don't tell Taiwan that. We want to thank Chris Denman. We want to thank Beth Hoops, everybody at Midcoast Media that does such a wonderful job.

So great. And Mike, we did it. It was a nice-sized podcast. Yeah, not too long, not too short, just right. How about this? Why don't we include people in this? What do you think? I usually cut the promos. What do you think was funny? What do you think? What promo do you think we should cut here? Huh? Let's go back through the document.

It's not going to be Blondie. I think it's going to be the Trump, maybe the Trump. We can't do that because then we lose all the crybabies who run away from the podcast. The lady whose car was on fire. The lady who lit herself on fire. All right. I have to Google to see how she's doing, though, first. Meanwhile. I know.

It's only funny if she died. I had zero of that instinct when we laughed hysterically during the story. But if we're going to put the promo out, AOC, I don't know. That's political. Ellen. People do like when we talk about Ellen. Yeah. Yeah. I could look at the Ellen story. Chrissy Teigen, as you once said, you put a T in her name. But the Chrissy Teigen, when you called her homely weird yeah that was weird

Florida man the Italian boar that weekend was a blur that working on that show was a blur that was brutal oh my god talk about a hard deadline midnight on New Year's Eve like that's what you're

working towards for fucking three months. And it all happens live. Yeah. And trying to put some funny into Carson Daly's mouth. Oh my God. The woman with the Irish accent. That one. All right. We'll figure it out. Maybe it is the woman on fire. We'll check out how she's doing. that's that that one uh alright

we'll figure it out maybe it is the woman on fire we'll check out how she's doing yeah hope she's okay yeah um and um

alright we'll see you next we'll see you in a few hours oh we have to discuss next Saturday also what's going on what's Saturday? I don't know.

You said there was a challenge to doing the podcast. Oh, yeah, right. I'm going to be at my cousin's son's memorial next Saturday, so we're going to have to record maybe on a— I'm going to be driving on Friday. We might have to do it on Thursday next week. Are you just going to gloss past the details of what you just said?

Yeah, my cousin who I love very much. Maybe let's not get into it. Yeah, I won't get in. Maybe I'll talk about it next week. I'm hosting, which is weird, but I'm hosting this next Saturday, this Brody Stevens fundraiser.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's for mental illness with fundraiser. Oh, really? Yeah, it's for mental illness with comedians. Oh, nice. You know, with Zoe and Rath and all that stuff. Uh-huh. They have a couple of comedians going up, but they wanted me to quote and see it. But first of all, no one knows who I am. It's very weird.

But I'll just open it, and I think I just say the rules and all that stuff. And then these people are doing sets. But you went up at Brody's Memorial, and you fucking killed. You told some great stories that were personal and meaningful and funny. Now you're perfect to do it. I think that's great. Right. Thank you, I guess, is what I've been told to say when someone compliments me.

But I will say those stories were funny. They were real. And they were Brody. This is less about Brody. And, like, the sets won't be about Brody or anything like that. But I guess I could set it up, like, why, you know, Brody's story and why we're doing it. And I could maybe tell a Brody story, like, when he brought his tambourine to the HBO pitch. Yeah.

I don't think like Game of Thrones pitched with a tambourine to HBO. He did. Yeah. And by the way, that is true. He told, we were sitting there, Zach and I were sitting there. And that, again, this isn't that I'm funny. Brody literally goes, HBO, you get it, right? They're sitting there like, yeah, we follow the Sopranos with the wire. Yeah, yes, we get it. Thank you for pointing that out.

It's crazy. All right. Well, good luck. And either way, we'll see you guys next week. We don't know when it'll record, but it will air on Sunday, the 23rd of May. How did my new light work out? Should I have done it before? Yeah, that looks good. Is that better? That looks like the last thing somebody sees when they're hiding from a serial killer in a basement. This is fun for the listeners.

How does this, and now this. And what about this? All right, man. Take it, Ish. Take it, Ish. I hope you. Hi, Carl. I have, well, I don't have, but say someone rented a car from you.

The car caught on fire. Who pays? Okay, if someone calls for us and they want to rent a vehicle? Yeah. Okay, now is this for insurance? Are they renting due to our nationality? No, say somebody already did. Okay. And then the car caught on fire.

Do you guys pay for that? No, we don't pay for that. The renter's insurance you guys pay for that no we don't pay for that the renters insurance company would pay for that the renter would have to pay his money I don't have or say the person doesn't have insurance okay okay who's did someone write one of our cars yeah what about from this office yeah okay they have the car now yeah you. You're kidding me. No. And the car got on fire, is that what you said? It's on fire right now. How did that happen? It was an accident.

Who's the renter? I can't say. You can't say? We need to know that. But I'm trying to figure out what to do. Okay, who's calling? I'm a friend of his. Okay, all right, let's see. Now, this person who's renting the vehicle from us,

we need to know who the person is so he can come into our office. I don't want to tell you who it is. Well, he's going to have to tell us himself then. But I'm thinking maybe the car could just disappear. No, the car can't just disappear. That car belongs in my fleet. It can't just disappear. But if it's on fire right now that my friends are out there

trying to put it out how did the car just catch on fire my friend tony's an idiot and he got he got gas in the back of the car because he's trying to help me into it because her car ran out of gas and like a jerk he's smoking in the back of the, and I hit a bump and it caught on fire. Who? Okay, hold on. The person that's renting the car, were they renting our car due to an accident? No. What were they renting the car due to? They were just renting it for vacation? I don't know. Okay, I definitely need to speak to the person who's renting You can't talk to him. He's putting a fire out. Okay. What's his name? I can't say. Ma'am, you have to tell me who this person is. I have to find out.

This is my vehicle that you're talking about. You have to tell me who is renting the vehicle. But my other friend, my friend Comet said he might be able to just get rid of the car, and then it would be better. He said it just would be better. You can't do that. That's what I'm trying to say to you. You just can't get rid of my car like that.

That car belongs to my fleet. But it's all burnt up. What do you mean it's all burnt up? It's burnt up. What kind of car is it? I don't want to say. Do you have a plate for the car? The plate's on fire.

What kind of car is it, ma'am? Who am I speaking with? I can't say. I will give you the car back, but I got to know that he can't pay for it. He has no job, he has no insurance. And he's been drinking. He couldn't have rented a car from us if he, um, there's no way he could have rented a car from us, because we have to take a driver's license when we rent a car. He gave you a license, but it wasn't his license. That's the whole thing. That's why we might just get rid of the car.

Okay, hold on. He gave us a license. There's no way that I can rent a car with... This guy's got everything, believe me. He could have given you eight different licenses. He's got backups. He's got everything. He's got social security. Well, I want to know the circumstance for this. That's what I'm trying to say. We had gas in the back of the car. You had gas in the back of the car? Now, why did you have gas in the back of the car? Well, because my other friend ran out of gas. So we got some pots from his kitchen, and we went to the gas station, filled them up with gas, and we were driving with

the pots of gas in the back of the car, and I hit a bump, and my friend, like a jerk, was smoking, and everything caught on fire. I don't understand this. You said we basically, he rented a car from this office, and he gave us someone else's license? Yeah. Well, there's no way we could have rented a car to him. But you did. Believe me, you did. He got the car.

The car's on fire. What kind of car is it? It's a car. It's a car. What kind of car? I don't want to say, because then you'll know who who it is and then you'll be able to arrest him. Maybe, could we just drop it off like at midnight somewhere? How could you just drop off the car at midnight, ma'am?

Think about that. How could you just drop off a car? We'll get it towed. You can't get it towed. My other friend Carmen's got a tow truck. He'll tow it. I'll drop it there, but like late at night so no one's around. No, you can't do that.

You can't. Ma'am, how could you just... It's got to cool down first it's still on fire it's on fire right now can you hold on please yeah Outro Music