Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 64 5/23/21

Episode Date: May 23, 2021

Greg Zooms in from NYC while a FLA gator chases fat people through a Wendy’s parking lot. Someone pays Bezos $3M for 11 minutes in a space ship with him. Meanwhile you can spend 11 minutes with Mike in his closet for $37 cash.   Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime

READ ALL ABOUT IT! SUNDAY FUCKING PAPERS! READ ALL ABOUT IT! SUNDAY FUCKING PAPERS! Fuck CNN! Fuck MSNBC! Greg and Mike bring us the news! And if they get it wrong,

it's probably the truth so they fucking pay powers that's where I get my news if you listen to network read all about it read all about it from Carlin Mountain, New York did we start?

Westchester County, get your Westchester Gazette all the news that never happens cause you're in Westchester County how are you Mike Gibbons? I'm good, I'm in Los Angeles. I didn't move my closet anywhere. So wait, you left Monday? I left Los Angeles Monday. I arrived in New York. I went into the city. I did some shows. How was that? Joy, joy, pure joy. I enjoy New York so much more than Los Angeles. The comedy scene is just like, it's just the comics that you see.

And I feel like people bust your balls more and the level. I mean, I'm sitting there and I go on and it's Louis C.K. And then it's Dave Attell. And then it's Louis C.K. And then it's Dave Attell. And then it's Ari Shafir. And then it's Tom Papa. I mean, it's just great, great acts and good hangs. Like I had dinner. I had texted Louis the day before.

And of course, like typical, like Louis doesn't get back to you. And then I show up and he's on the show ahead of me which makes for an awkward moment uh-huh and so then we went out to eat and uh and then i did the show with a towel and then hung out for like three hours after the show with a towel nobody hangs out in la nobody goes to dinner with other comedians well it's a city yeah los angeles isn't a city right you're traveling you're getting your car you're going to another town like three towns over literally to go to the comedy store now when i'm walking around with a towel i'm like oh you know i really want to get a i want to get a there's a good black and white cookie at this place uh let's walk down to joe's pizza on halston it's all it's all a walk and then I get in

and then he drives me I was staying with my mother-in-law on the Upper West Side and he lives downtown but he's like yeah I'll give you a ride so we get in his car and of course it's a tell so any other comic that makes the kind of money he makes would have a freaking Porsche whatever

he's got a Corvette with an iRoast license plate. For sale, by the way. And I get in, he's got a Nissan, a four-door Nissan, and I sit down- Practical. And wedged in between the seat and the console is a police baton with a piece of metal

welded to the tip of it he's so freaked out that new york city is dangerous now yeah that he has weaponized wow yeah that's crazy yeah no i talked to him a little while ago and um yeah he's like it's it's he doesn't he tries not to go out too late yeah which is the weirdest the weirdest thing to hear Dave Attell say. I remember him telling my wife when we still lived in New York, he said, if you're ever taking the subway home and you have to walk at night between the subway and your house, buy a cup of hot black coffee and just carry it with you

in case somebody mugs you you can throw it in their face i'm like yeah that probably wouldn't spill back on you that'd probably i'm sure you'd execute that well that wouldn't anger the person even more you stained my shirt it only lasts a second i mean i guess if you get it in their eyes you have to be a pretty good shot and get lucky well put a lot of sweet and low and that shit stings sweet and low mace kit plus you know there's a chance that your mugger is going to get tired and give up if you struggle for a little while not if he's got a cup of coffee you know exactly um all righty what do i have to get a glass of water i think you want to uh i'll talk for a minute you go get some water what are you going to talk about though i don't want to miss out give me a topic and i'll talk about it all right why don't you tell people

why why we're doing this on a thursday discuss i'll'll be back. All right. No, I'm out of the closet, ladies. Watch out. So I'm in New York because I'm meeting my sister and my mother and my brother, and we're going to pile into a car, and we're going to drive from New York down to Richmond, Virginia, which is I think about seven hours because she's an hour north of the city, 45 minutes and then uh we have to go very sadly to my cousin terry um is one of my one of my favorite people in the world and her son

uh od'd on opiates about six months ago and so we're having a memorial service at a park. I think the idea is to try to keep it light and joyous. And all my cousins are coming down from all over and coming up from Florida, coming down from the New York area. And we're going to celebrate his life. It was tragically ended. He was about 23.

He just finished college. Oh, I think I should leave again. This sounds heavy. He was a great kid. So how do you deal with that? I can't imagine having a son who's 20 and just imagining like, you know, a kid goes through, it's all training. How many years in your life do you train? From potty training to fucking breastfeeding to crayons to

algebra and then high school then you pick your major you go to college you spend all this money you learn more and now you're 23 and it's like you're finally gonna actually go out and start you know having an adult life and then it just ends it's's just, it's so illogical. It's so hard to wrap your head around as a parent, what that must feel like. You're preparing a human being to live for all those years and then boom, just that's it. In the one minute I was gone, did you change the title of this podcast to the sunday blues did you not give me the topic to talk about you knew why i was here right yeah to fucking eat a meal with louis ck i don't know i didn't know it would go here you knew i was here for the memorial

i did i did but i didn't know you were there at all oh man alright well I will not leave again that is for sure but I'll tell you about staying with my sister my sister is very active and my brother-in-law is more active

their furniture has no wear and tear on it they are on their feet she is cooking she's cleaning she's doing this for a neighbor They don't, their furniture has no wear and tear on it. They are on their feet. She is cooking. She's cleaning. She's doing this for a neighbor. And he's a carpenter. And so he's always up.

They've got this beautiful house that he built with his own two hands. It's a four-story house. And it's fucking gorgeous. Four stories. Well, there's a basement. He's a skimmer. He cuts corners. Not in a bad way. The quality is top notch.

But then what he does is he built a basement and then the ground floor and then the bedrooms upstairs. But then he built this room over the garage, which is in between the second and third floors. And it's a bonus room. It's like a 1, 1500 square foot bonus room that had no door so when you were going upstairs you know the stairs go up and then they turn and at the turn there's a wall that that for the inspector was just a wall but as soon as he rubber stamped the application rob went in with a hacksaw and opened up a door into the 1,500 square foot bonus room that was not legal.

Let's hope the inspector's not listening. I doubt it. And then he went in and he cut out some windows and they were done with it. But anyway, so he's always working on nine different projects in the house.

Yeah. So I always feel lazy when I'm here. Right. He'll do that. He also pounds beer. Pounds beer. Like a man. Two or three six-packs a day, and he's got abs,

and he's got fucking abs ripped. It's because he's working all the time. Wow. All right. What's going on in L.A.? What am I missing there? Nothing. It feels like a weird week that we're doing this on Thursday,

and we try to look for news stories, and there's nothing going on. Thursday crept up on me. It feels like Wednesday. I did watch. We're not in the sports section yet. But, boy, this is old news for Sunday's podcast. But we're fresh off that LeBron Curry game last night. Holy.

Did you see it? No, I haven't started watching basketball yet. Is it time? Is it time to start tuning in? Time was last night. First game of the season I watched. Now I'm going to have to quickly pretend I'm a loyal Knicks fan who didn't give up on them 15 years ago. Is this playoffs, by the way?

So, yes. So last night was the playoff, the play-in game, a one-off game, Lakers versus Golden State, and Golden State now is out of the playoffs because Lakers beat them last night. Golden State, which won the championship two years ago, right? Yeah, lots of injuries this year. But Curry just draining threes. They were dominating the Lakers almost the whole game. And then the second half, I think Lakers outscored them like 61-42

or something like that. But with less than a minute left, insane three-pointer. His longest three-pointer like in the last few minutes of a game ever, LeBron James drained a three to win by three. No shit. Really? No, no. Yeah, like, just it's every highlight.

You should go check it out. Wow. Yeah. He also had been hurt before that, and he flopped, and, you know, people are criticizing him for overacting, but he got poked in the eye and his eye was swollen in the press conference after. But anyway, he said that and I've heard it before. But in the three, when he went up, he said he was he was so still messed up with his eye. He saw three rims and just aimed for the middle one. No shit, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's his quote. Yeah. Wow. And then last night also, the Yankees, Corey Kluber threw a no-hitter. Oh, see? He threw six no-hitters this season. What?

No, I mean, there's been six no-hitters in baseball. Oh. I read some stat this week about it's an incredible amount of strikeouts. Maybe it's shattering the record. Like the number of people with like three strikeout games. And I don't know anything about this, but I think the record for strikeouts is being broken this year. And women's basketball is in the playoffs now too.

And a record number of missed shots, apparently. Are you sure they're breaking the record of every previous season? Again, listen, I probably told this joke before, but on Sports Show with Norm MacDonald, which is on Comedy Central for one ill-fated season, we were talking in the writer's room and we're like, who, like, you know, because it was women's basketball and Norm likes kind of doing jokes on that.

But we Googled, this is legit. We Googled to see like who was the biggest kind of star right now or whatever. And we Googled triple double WNBA. And Google goes, did you mean NBA? And then we just had fun. So we created a bit called, Oh, Google, where Norm, where Norm types it in live on camera. I mean, and, and then it kind of got some news and especially a bunch of nerds really, uh, latched onto it. And I think Google changed its algorithm because then we would try different computers, different logins. We'd have people in it. We had some writers in New York sending in jokes.

We had them do it from New York. And you could no longer get that suggestion on a couple of things that we queued up. But they were amazing. So then we had to get more creative the next week when we did oh google but it was like men's serve or men's like fastest serve or something like that and it would be like you know roscoe tanner held the record at one point so we talk about tennis serves we put in the same phrase women's fastest server women's serve and it was for waitress shoes and It was for waitress shoes and aprons. No. Yes, it was.

Swear to God it was. Yes. I'm not making that up. That would be such a cheap joke. Oh, Google. Oh, Google. Yeah. Who was the staff on that Norm show, the Norm sports show?

You had, what's his name was on it, right? From SNL? Steve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. I'm so terrible with names. We had a murderer as well. Steve O'Donohue? Wasn't he writing on it? Steve... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. I'm so terrible with names. We had a murderer as well. Steve O'Donohue? Wasn't he writing on it? Steve O'Donnell.

Steve O'Donnell? Yeah, absolutely. Who was considered the best writer in SNL history? Well, the legend is he came up with the top ten list. Wow. And letterman. Wow. Nicest guy. Yeah. Yeah. Was Sebastiano on that staff?

He had a great idea. Steve O'Donnell has this giant, giant brain that he walks around with. Harvard guy. He, you know, keep in mind what year this was, but it was right after LeBron went to Miami and left Cleveland, right?

So probably 2012? 2012? Yeah, something like that. And he came up with a bit, why don't we go to Cleveland and do a remote piece called The Forgotten LeBrons because all these kids were named LeBron

when their hero was in town saving the city and doing all this stuff. And then he leaves them. And Cleveland hated LeBron now. And now there's these little LeBrons running around, you know, schools and playgrounds. And we were going to go to the forgotten LeBrons, like Norm doing a serious, like, sit down with the mothers.

Have you considered a name change? You know, and all that. Well, thanks for the tip on getting grateful dead tickets it really worked out well for me it did right i got i got signed in they were it was it was a special you had to be pre-registered with ticket master and put on a special mailing list pre-certified and i got fucking great tickets and they were only like a hundred i think the grateful dead keeps the ticket prices low on purpose i got i got maybe i got four tickets i'm telling you dead center of the crowd for like 108 each you might be high you know the bowl is deceiving the bowl holly Hollywood Bowl is very deceiving. It's Staples Center, but it just goes back and high.

Obviously, it's an amphitheater. Yeah. So you're really, you know, you're really pretty high up. There's a lot of shitty seats in there, but it really doesn't matter when the dead was there. I told you when I went last time, I've never seen the bowl do this because they're so uptight. Usually they let everyone stand and dance in the aisles, kind of like a free for all, which is how it should be,

especially for that show. And you got shut out of the tickets? Is that what happened? I don't know what it is, but it told me, oh, you can't buy them on this device. So my sister got four luckily. I'm in that. But then I was able, then I went on my phone back to the app. But meanwhile, I think you might've seen it. It said best.

If you use your like laptop or bright, you know, your computer browser. So that's what I did. But I guess maybe I registered on the app, but it's the same account, whatever. No one could be interested in this. I can't, I can't even follow it as I'm saying it. Well, the show is it's, it's Halloween night at the, one of the great venues, the Hollywood Bowl. And it's a late show, though. It's like a 930 show.

Oh, I didn't know that. But it's Halloween. What are you going to dress as? I was thinking about a middle-aged guy who's still wanting the dead to keep on living forever. Are we considering a handful of mushrooms on this evening? It's a little early to talk about that, but yes. You know, they used to do their famous Halloween shows at Madison Square Garden every year.

I believe that's where it was. Or was that New Year's? I think Halloween was in san francisco was it um i don't know maybe chris denman can stop looking up writers for uh the norm show which was a conversation we had four minutes ago literally the slowest researcher in the history of podcasting all right we had carolaolla and Kimmel were producers. Well, Ben Hoffman, that was the first show I hired Ben Hoffman on and went on to create Wheeler Walker Jr. and all that.

Yeah, Doug Perkins, Sean O'Connor. Which were the female writers? List the female writers. Sean O'Connor was one. Yeah, Ben Hoffman can be. Frank Sebastiano, by the way, maybe the best writer in Hollywood in terms of jokes, actual hard jokes.

Oh, he's amazing, yeah. He wrote on, he was writing, he was the only writer who wrote for Saturday Night Live remotely from LA. He was also the only writer to write for David Letterman remotely. And he was also the only writer who wrote for Saturday Night Live and Letterman

at the same time. Yep. No, amazing. I mean, such a nice guy too. was he was the he was living the life of a quarantine person before covet hit oh big time yeah yeah and looks it it looks like he just like you know his hair is really long it looks like he hasn't cut his hair in forever it looks like he just came out of a coma yeah Yeah, he was working his sweatpants. In a good way. Yeah, he looks great. He looks great.

All right, so now Chris is saying the band has done Halloween shows in New York City and Oakland. So I guess we're both right. Nah, maybe read the rest of his sentence. Looks like MSG was the main spot. He means the Chinese preservative. All right, what are we doing? It's Thursday. Oh. All right. What are we doing?

It's Thursday. There's no news. Well, first, we're going to thank my boy Rob Dukes out in Phoenix, who's my buddy, who writes music, and he performs with Generation Kill, who's a fucking badass. That song was lunacy. Yeah. They're an amazing band, and they have a new album Coming out We're gonna be talking about In the next few weeks

And yeah The song Would you like it? Yeah Oh my god Yeah You know Hard punk

For sure And then I don't know if you call that Punk Mike Punk Oh Jesus What is it metal? It's metal

Maybe thrash I think it might be Thrasher metal I'm not sure I don't know the different types of metal no he sounded he sounded like a good good guest there though uh our logo was done by michael solomon which speaking of punk is the cover of uh uh the clash london calling album one could argue it's the Elvis Presley album cover

because that's what The Clash mimicked. Oh, really? Did you know that? Oh, I didn't know that. Yep. London Calling's album cover is the same graphic design as one of Elvis Presley's albums. There you go.

Who do you think is better, Elvis Costello or Elvis Presley? Elvis Costello, a little of the Dave Grohl thing happened with me with him. Like I was, you know, I'd see him constantly in college. I loved Elvis Costello. And then all of a sudden he became the, like, the spokesperson for all music somehow. You know what I mean? Like, he was just doing every documentary. He was hosting shows.

He would be the person they'd go to. Ask him. I'm like, all right, easy, easy. You know what else he did which fits in that category is the duet thing where he did the Burt Bacharach duet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, his father was was he's got a great autobiography and he married Diana Krall also yes he married Diana Krall um but he did

a biography he talks about his father was like um a guy who was not a crooner but like that style of music so he does a lot of the standards because that was his father's type of music well i remember i was just obsessed with the album king of america t-bone burnett produced it and there are songs on there you just hear his pipes yeah they're unbelievable yeah so uh that album like was my and then was there Blood and Chocolate, I think, was the next one maybe? I probably have that wrong. But King of America, I would put that on if I, Indoor Fireworks. There's just incredible songs on there.

Give it a listen. Hold on. Chris Denman with a joke coming in, again, about two and a half minutes after the bit. He says, which black artist did Elvis steal the album cover from? That's good. with a joke coming in again about two and a half minutes after the bit uh he says which thing which black artist did elvis steal the album cover from that's good i like that i like it well let's just say muddy waters corrections from last week we had a few mike we're starting to slip back into our uh oh no our our alz Alzheimer's is kicking in. Bob says...

I have to say most corrections are aimed at you, but let's see. Let's sit back and watch. Well, let's just see. Kloppen came up with a climate scale based on five letters and additional subletters. A is tropical, blah, blah, blah. Ireland is a CFB, which is temperate and uh and try and tropical it is considered coastal temperate okay um i and then he wrote i figure about 60 of what you say might be true on this one thing calling ireland sub was way way off kind of like pronunciation of sleet or kinney but wait a minute no no no it different parts of

ireland have different tropic tropical different climates and i believe the west coast because doesn't the gulf coast doesn't the gulf stream come down the atlantic off the coast of ireland have we now changed the podcast name to who gives a shit? Anthony Ponce. Also, I, I, I stand corrected. I thought maybe it was Slater,

which I think would sound cooler, but in fact, it's Sleater Kiney. Now I'm setting up corrections for next week. Anthony Ponce, another anally retentive listener says the film show mike is referring to as small eyes is actually called short eyes uh you know what i thought i said that as i said it i must have said small by accident it is short eyes okay it's disturbing all right so it's one one

michael solomon who uh michael solomon is also responsible for our fucking graphic this week. So the rest of you people get off your asses and start writing into the show, FitzDogRadio at gmail.com and sending us your artwork and your songs. Michael says, Mike's story about a man being forced to ejaculate inside a woman at gunpoint is not a real story. It is from a satirical website. Yeah. And then he wrote a joke, butpoint is not a real story it is from a satirical website yeah and then he wrote a joke but i'm not gonna read it i kind of thought it was funny all right he said my father did force me to ejaculate inside him at knife point but that's just a

christmas tradition in my family that's not appropriate um on christmas Are you sure that was Michael Solomon? When you emailed me that, you forwarded me that email, I thought it was a woman's name. I may be wrong. That could be a correction on the correction. Could be waiting for us next week. Yeah. Lalinia Leachemore said,

I think you need to look into Candace Owens a little more closely and reevaluate her reporting on Chrissy Teigen. You referred to her as an investigative journalist. She is the opposite of that. She is a total MAGA sycophant. Anyway, just wanted to clarify. No, it is Michael Solomon who wrote that. But by the way, I led with saying we don't think it's a real story, but we thought it was a fun headline. But, you know, here's how Sunday Papers works. Let's pull back the curtain for a second. Mike and I have a Google Doc, as you guys all know, because our producer slash Antifa organizer, Chris Denman, also chimes in on it. But we each introduce stories into the documents. And when I put them in, I put a title and then I put a little research and then perhaps

a joke idea or two. Mike will write things like, let's just scroll down under front page he writes yeah go ahead all my bases are covered Sinead O'Connor interview no research yes because I would just ask you

have you seen it have you read it uh huh but don't spoil that gem let's get to it I don't have jokes on it we don't have jokes today we don't have jokes today we're not gonna lie to you this was a fly by the seat of your pants sunday papers as we said on a thursday from multiple different uh states we're gonna try to think out loud like i have no idea the front page that oregon story but it sounded juicy it sounded like if you gave it some

thought you could come up with good material we chose not to do that but uh let's think out loud this is why Norm's sports show didn't last oh well we did wing it a few times on television speaking of that show speaking of winging it one thing you don't want to wing it with is your goddamn front lawn it's your welcome mat to your house. It's literally curb appeal. When somebody drives by and they're judging you, how are the Fitzsimmons doing? You know, he's not on the road this year. He's not writing on a show. I wonder if they can rub two nickels together. Now, if I got brown patches on my lawn, that's going to make me look like a failure. So here's what you do. You spend not a lot of money and you send it to sunday

who are people who uh you know sunday is uh they do um lawn planning it's not just it's not just like they send you a bunch of chemicals they look at your lawn through satellite dishes and maybe maybe satellites satellites they've planted cameras out on your front lawn in your satellite dishes which are still on the front lawn now you're gonna see a small nicaraguan man with a helmet on with bushes on top of it. He's disguised. He's from Sunday. And they know what kind of soil you have. And you send in your soil, but they get rid of your weeds. They know what kind of weeds grow in your area.

They know what kind of nutrients that particular soil needs. They know the climate. They would be able to tell you if the west coast of ireland was in a like sort of subtropical uh temperate zone yeah there you go and you don't want on i don't want i've got a couple dogs and don't get me wrong i would rejoice the day these canines pass away they are biting people they're pissing on the floor they're shitting in the bed they've been around for 16 years. We got a lot of love out of them. Sayonara. But I don't want them dying from bad fertilizer. And you don't get that with Sunday. They send

you fertilizer that's made out of stuff like seaweed, molasses. So your dogs can eat it. And really, it's like a snack. It's like a delicious snack. Give your dogs to my dad. He'll take care of them. Just drop them off. Just drive through. Oh, that's right. Out the window.

So anyway, enjoy Sunday with add-ons like weed control, seeds, or pest control. And there's just so much you can do with it you're gonna love it um all you do is you attach a ready-to-use pouch to the garden hose and you spray it takes about 15 minutes and my grass i use it on my grass it's never looked better except for the places where my dogs piss on it but there's nothing you can do about that but otherwise it's like a deep kelly green um we play irish music and it grows that's not in the literature let sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener more beautiful lawn this spring visit get sunday.com slash papers to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash papers.

Don't forget, use our URL, support our sponsors so they can support Midcoast Media, so they can take our voices and bring them to you without me and Mike having to dip into our own pockets to pay for the podcast. There we go. There we go. There you go. Hey, you don't have a newspaper handy, do you? No, but I have a legal pad. Hey now.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Front page. There it is. Five Oregon counties plot move to Idaho to be with conservative friends. That was the headline. The efforts were led by the grassroots group Move Oregon's Border for a Greater Idaho, which believes adding conservative counties to Idaho would benefit the state. The group cites Oregon's lack of rural representation in the legislature, the state's 2020 drug decriminalization law and the state's tax rate as reasons to move out of the state.

So this is officially now been proposed. Both states' senates, I guess, would have to pass it in addition to Congress. So it's a tall order, but I just thought it was interesting. Again, we have no jokes on it, but things have to be pretty bad if you're willing to move to Idaho, even if you're not moving.

Well, if you're the kind of person that needs to leave Oregon to go to Idaho so it's more right wing, it's mostly because Oregon started allowing black people to live there, which was literally in like the 1930s. It was illegal for black people to live in Oregonregon did you know that i did not know that yes indeed perhaps chris denman can do some research on that but um yeah might have been earlier than 1930s it might have been like 1900 but um yeah they and it's why it's it's a very very white state except for i guess guess Portland has become much more diverse. I mean, it's interesting. It's like, oh, you want to move to Idaho? Then move.

You're not going to throw the border over your house like some jump rope. But it's interesting. Is that going to be a trend? Is Oregon against this? But it could be a big gerrymandering thing also it's like hey like let's say oregon was super close elections and it's about a 50 50 state well then we would we being liberals would like these conservative towns to be now considered idaho you know what i mean well maybe it's such a blue state at this point, Oregon, that they figured it doesn't matter.

Why doesn't Texas throw a lasso up there and they just moved to Texas? A little borderline goes up with a little loop on the end and it just includes those towns. Well, I think we can give part of California to Mexico. I think we should give San Diego. I think any part of California that has a Mexican name, you should have to give back. Well, that's the whole state. It's the whole state. It's so funny because people are like, get these Mexicans out of Los Angeles.

Well, how should they leave should they take la cienega down to san vicente that's also los angeles yeah yeah um i don't know i kind of there's something appealing about this uh because you know whatever the concern we can't get too political obviously because they get their feelings so hurt they can't listen. But it really is something, you know, I think there's enough evidence to see this conservative way of like, let us keep, you know, let's keep the power in place. You know, since Reagan's administration, let's do what we can to ensure that rich white people stay that way. Decimating the middle class, decimating unions, not realizing the only way a lower and middle class can work is with a middle class. Anyway, and we're

starting to see it pop up. Hey, I know, I'm getting I guess I can talk about this. So wait, before you bring it up, Chris Denman, just again, so quick, his fingertips on a keyboard. Smoke must come off. They just they passed a law in 1948. Oregon Realtors followed the National Realtors Code based on an earlier state law that proclaimed that a realtor shall never introduce into a neighborhood members of any race or nationality whose presence will be detrimental to property values. Wow. But that doesn't answer my actual question, which was,

when did it become legal for black people to move to Oregon? You think it was truly a law? It was a law. It was a law. It wasn't like a... Wasn't a suggestion? ...unofficial guideline? Nope.

He's writing 1844 said all black people out. Wow. All right. Let's get to your next story there. He's purposely dragging his feet, so you don't know how he's lobbied for this up in Oregon and all their policies. Okay.

Yeah, you're going to see his face and his new realtor card on the back of bus stops in Oregon. All right. Next story. Wait, you were going to bring something up. You were like, should I bring this up? All right.

Let me maybe depersonalize it. So a friend of mine who you know, he, his girlfriend, we were supposed to write together on Monday. He goes, can't do it. My girlfriend's sister was just murdered. Jesus. And it's all over the news. And sure enough, I mean, CNN, New York Post,

meanwhile, it happened in Alabama. And ex-boyfriend just went up and she was walking her dog and shot her in the head. Oh, God. There was also maybe a homeless person. No, no, it's terrible. But I am worried lately that I've seen too many of these. There's also crime is running crazy rampant,

like basically right in the neighborhood I'm sitting in right now. Wait, what race was this woman that was shot? White. Okay. And the boyfriend was white oh he also then shot the police officers who found him in his apartment and the police officers returned fire and killed him damn but yeah and he wounded four officers in uh birmingham i believe so uh i don't know. This isn't a news story. It's just I think people are way more on edge. You know, there's a lot of good news stories about coming out of this.

Everyone's focusing on the stupid economy and things opening up and all that. But, like, I think there are people who there's the most dangerous sentiment in the world, which is the, I've got nothing to lose. And anyway, just putting it out there, I'm getting worried about it. In terms of violent crime increasing because people don't care if they get shot and killed in the process? And then the day before that,

the guy who tried to light all of the West Side on fire and the 100 homes were evacuated. Oh, I didn't hear that. In Palisades and Topanga and arson. He went up and he lit it in two or three different spots. Really? Systematically. I mean, so systematically that they could tell immediately it was arson.

Damn. Because of where, you know, once they study it and where they saw where it was started. And it had multiple points. They caught the guy? Because that, as you know, if that just takes off, I mean, that's thousands of homes. Oh, yeah. And those are rich people. So, I mean, that's even more important.

But also, perhaps they're the targets of people who do feel they have nothing left to lose. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I don't know what that guy's thinking was. I can't say. But I'm just saying. And then the amount of shootings that have been happening, like mass shootings. I don't know what constitutes a mass shooting.

Maybe it's more than two. I don't know what it is. I think it's three unrelated victims or something. No, I think it's just, I think it's just, uh, three, it's three or four. Actually, they obviously could be related if they're all in the same school. All right. This is a real chapter where we don't know what we're talking about, but I don't know, maybe listeners feel the same thing, but i'm really starting to just notice people go doing crazy things um really violent crazy things more than usual well that's the

thing like being in new york city just for 48 hours i was warned by so many people about how dangerous new york has gotten and and it's like, you know what? Name experiences you've had where New York is more dangerous. And they're like, well, this lady was stabbed in the chest. And it's like, yeah, I read that too. It was three weeks ago. There's 10 million people in New York City. And so because everybody's,

I'm not negating that New York is more dangerous. There's definitely more crime. But it's not really affecting the average person especially if you live in manhattan you know there's just not that much more crime in new york and you know what when we lived there in the 90s there was plenty of crime i think it adds something to a city i like having a little danger i like looking over my shoulder keeps me sharp me sharp. Makes me walk a little faster. Makes me walk a little tougher. Well, yeah, you would negotiate with them. I mean, we'd all have to leave notes in our car like empty and you'd leave your glove

box open. You'd leave your car doors open because they'll just break it and you'd write notes like nothing in car. You had the detachable faceplate. You'd put the club on your steering wheel. It was crazy. Oh, plate. You'd put the club on your steering wheel. It was crazy. Oh, yeah. You'd wear martial arts jackets. I didn't get that far. I didn't get that memo. I didn't know that.

But I do know like a friend, a friend was pretty funny. He told me he went trotted down a subway when he was halfway down. He realized it was it was closed it was chained shut and there was a guy and then and then as soon as he saw that he was like ah fuck it was almost like pesci and goodfellas and he turned around and there comes the guy down the stairs behind him and it's just like a it's almost like in nature it's a little trap in the woods like you just you went down a dead end but he kind of blamed himself like he was like yeah as soon as i saw him like i should have somehow like checked or waited till i saw someone come up or down because that's like one of the oldest tricks in the book yeah i don't know people think

that everything's supposed to be so perfect in cities it's like if you want perfection go live in the fucking boring sub no No offense to my sister, but the suburbs are a little bit dull. Eh, maybe that's why you drink three six-packs of beer. Yeah. The U.S. government is in possession.

Oh. It looks like you're quarantined. And that's like, was bought in the hospital gift shop. Greg is holding a stuffed polar bear with a red scarf is it a polar bear i can't see it it's a polar bear i love it the u.s government greg is in possession of quote exotic material from ufos and ex-Pentagon officer claims. Wow. Don't, it's not sexual, it's not erotic, it's exotic. Oh. So he said he believed it was true that there is physical evidence of the existence of UFOs

and called on the U.S. government to be more transparent about it. He was on Tucker Carlson, who asked him, is there debris or material from any of these vehicles? And he replied, the United States government is in possession of exotic materials, and I'll leave it at that. So this guy was the former head. He looks like he's unhinged, but he was head of the FBI's, or the government, I should say, of the government's UFO division in the Pentagon. So I don't know. There's a lot of chatter about UFOs lately and a lot of kind of like technically UFOs

like and then the government and the Navy has released this footage. I'm not saying they're aliens, but they are certainly unidentified. Haven't you, first of all, a couple things. Number one, you can tell that this country, for whatever cultural, social reasons, has become more prone to conspiracy theories. You know, from January 6th through fucking UFOs. Do you think there are UFOs? UFOs? What the fuck are we? How did we get here? Everything on this earth is a UFO. Do you think there are aliens that are not from earth that are checking us out?

Of course. Of course. I mean mean i don't even know like when you talk about the different frequencies of light and sound we exist in such a thin parameter when you talk about infinity there is no thinner parameter than any finite distance whether it's in the light spectrum of the sound spectrum and you don't think that within this same breadth of space other other life forms can exist that we don't see and that they don't have greater intelligence than we do i mean just because it's not a fucking blurb with one eye that looks around doesn't mean there's not ufos i mean define a ufo do you think there was ever a sweet spot of that was the best time to live on Earth? Right now.

What are you talking about? You could say that at any point in the history of the Earth. You could always say right now because it was better than the time before where there was probably less racism. You think there's more or less racism right now than there was before our planet's dying right well not everything gets better is it dead is it dead no it's warmer i enjoy the warmer weather i mean if you i mean if you don't think about the future if you don't think about you know no i'm serious if you don't think about mortality and you just think about was there a better time to live well no the weather's fantastic but i don't know if we should do podcasts on thursday anymore all right st john's professor fired here we go

in a twist worthy of a mark twain himself let me didn't, uh, this got pasted in last minute. A St. John's university professor has been fired for reading a passage containing the N word from Twain's anti-slavery novel, put in head Wilson in her literature of satire class, Hannah Berliner. Oh, big name. Hannah Berliner Fischtal, an adjunct instructor at the Catholic College in Queens for 20 years, uttered the N-word once during a remote class on February 10th after she first explained to students the context of a student who said she had to abruptly leave the call because of Fleischel's, whatever, Fishel's use of an inappropriate slur. She had to abruptly leave? What's the rush? She might say some more crazy shit. So here's the headline on this. This came out, I think on Sunday after we had done the podcast, I was with my family.

I was the only one at the table who said she should not be fired. No kidding. I, let me rephrase that. I was the only one at the table. Of course, my fucking lunatic daughters are going to be like this woman should be killed um i was the only one who said that what what she did was wrong

that that's more it i i yeah and i think they were like and of course and of course she was fired yeah what do you think there was there's this novel that i read a couple years ago called the human stain by philip roth and it's about this professor a famous novel and it's about this professor who is um who's mixed race he was a very light-skinned mixed race human being and he went on to become a college professor and he was working in like the berkshire area i think around massachusetts very liberal little pocket of massachusetts amherst or something yeah it didn't say what school but you assume it's like amherst and so he's teaching a class and there's two students that hadn't showed up for like the first

two weeks of class takes attendance every day and he calls out these two names, and they don't answer. And after a couple weeks, he goes, well, I guess we have a couple of spooks not coming to class. Well, it turns out the two missing people were African American. Oh, that is very unlucky. Very unlucky. But this professor was also in his 60s at the time and the word spooks had been used um in obviously i think that halloween uh has certainly had the word spook in it for i feel bad even now i can't even say it even though i'm

talking about halloween and i'm talking about a book that it was written in. Anyway, the guy ends up getting fired from his tenured chair at this university and his life all falls apart. And this was written in the 60s, maybe, or the 50s. Well, I hope this woman in her new job doesn't teach a course on that book. in her new job, doesn't teach a course on that book. Yeah. So my family... No, I think that colleges are the place you're probably going to be most vilified for using any language that's not pre-approved

by, you know, whatever the status quo is of universities. Where else is Mark Twain going to be discussed but in the world of academe? Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, it goes further. So the conversation with my family, I was like, wait, wait, wait. And basically it came down to if she were a black professor, it's okay. And I'm like, all right. So I go now, are you then saying, and I, I was being, I was using an argumentative technique

because I didn't expect the answer to be yes when I asked, wait, are you then saying that only, that white people can never say that word, including all the world's history professors? And the whole family's like, yes. I'm like, so if you want to study slavery and there's the propaganda that they used and there's billboards. I mean, I come this is how hard I try with my family. I'm like, how about this? What if this teacher was in the class and it was about Mark Twain? Right. And she was going to play press play. Press play or let's say she was a history professor and she had tape and she was going to press play like listen to this racist southern politician during the civil rights movie. Listen what he says outside the university when they're trying to enforce segregation, you know, and separate but equal.

And she presses play. And this guy says the N word, but not N-word, you know, the full word, and the thing doesn't work. And so I go, first of all, are you okay if she presses play on that? So my family said yes. And then I go, okay, the tape doesn't work, so I'm just going to quote you what he said. And now she quotes him, and they're like, no, unacceptable. Well, another question to ask them might be, what about a depiction of, say, a famous painting of a slave master whipping a slave?

Should that be burned? And should that image be never looked at again? Because that's certainly a depiction of racism in the same way that using the word is a depiction of racism all i know is one story i didn't put it in because all this shit is so heavy one story this week is they found a documentary filmmaker from england found these survived these living nazis and they are not ashamed, a handful of them of their, of their involvement. And they also just mock the idea that so many Jews were killed.

They're like, that didn't happen. And it's like, so you're risking erasing very, very valuable history. Right. Evidence one might say. Right. Right. Evidence, one might say. Right.

Right. By doing what you're saying, you fool. But I just couldn't believe this. I'm like, so in other words, if you want to study and you want a professor to speak freely, you have to search for a non-white professor. And that's the only way you're going to hear him tell you. And of course, they're like, well, they can abbreviate the word. But I don't know. I know it's a very loaded issue. All right. We're going to skip my next

story and go straight to entertainment. Give me a crinkle, Mike. Oh, here it is. but n-word please i can't get over it oh i'm doing entertainment yeah oh i like this just because it's goofy actual headline bob dylan is seen in public for the first time in a decade unless you go to his shows while running errands in la just days before his 80th birthday and i put these in order. I love the reveals. Here are the details. Bob Dylan was seen running errands around Santa Monica last Thursday in exclusive photos. The folk legend, who turns 80 next Monday, kept a low profile in a navy short-sleeved shirt, combat-style boots, and dark aviator glasses.

He also drove a modest Toyota pickup truck. Imagine Bob Dylan in a Toyota pickup. It's just, I just laughed out loud. I can't explain why. I mean, it's just, it seems unlikely. I know. He's supposed to be hitchhiking into an old model Ford or he's supposed to be, you know, in the back of a limo.

But, you know, apparently that's how he lives up in Malibu, though, is like his his estate that he lives on. Now, if you call it an estate, it's kind of like farmland. And I think he's I think he's has taken on like a little bit of a farmer persona. I don't know. It is a big sprawling mansion i do know that but uh anyway i told you about the one time i saw dylan in public we'll call it i was down it was hbo i actually just told my friend dicky this story the other day but i was down uh shooting promos on-air promos in the 90s for hbo Riddick Bowe was the world champion boxer heavyweight. And we're shooting promos there. So rather predictably, Riddick Bowe's running three-plus hours late.

And we are in the warehouse district of New Orleans, which at that time was truly warehouses. Nothing was there. When we pulled up, we couldn't believe this was a boxing gym it was like behind the big like barn doors in this warehouse you hear metal being cut and sawed like real industrial stuff and and nothing nothing not a storefront no cars out on the street it was just brick like it was it was weird we were there on a weekend also. Anyway, uh, the guy, this, uh, producer of mine goes, um, we, we like ran out of things to talk about and he's like, Hey, do you

see Barb, uh, Barbara Streisand's thing? I'll move this story along. But I basically was like, you see Barbara Streisand's concert on HBO last night, which like shattered records for the most viewed thing on HBO. And I'm like, you know, I can't, I just can't. I go, listen, I get it. She's talented. I can not watch her for more than 10 seconds. I get, I get, I'm just, it's revolting. And, um, but I get it. I go, because I like, like Bob Dylan, for instance, and too many people can last 10 seconds in one of his songs and they don't get it. So I totally get that. Fine. in one of his songs and they don't get it. So I totally get that. Fine. Fucking Riddick Bowe.

Now we're going on like hour four. The guy comes back to me. We're just sitting there and he goes, hey, Mike, Bob Dylan's outside. I'm like, and I didn't even know, like, that's not even like a joke. Like, I didn't even know what to, I'm like, so I go, ha ha.

I go, he's like, no, no, I'm serious. Bob Dylan's outside. I'm like, I go, what the, Lewis, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, that's like a weird thing. He's like, he's standing fucking outside. So I go over to this fucking big wooden door. I open it, which makes a shitload of noise. I run.

I like come out anxious and look. And it's just me and Bob Dylan on this fucking weird street. You never told me this. Yeah, no, no. And I look at him. Meanwhile, I know enough at that point. like, I don't want to meet. I met too many, you know, and he's so full blown on the spectrum. Like, I just don't want to, you know, I just love him as is.

Anyway, what helped me not approach him was he was wearing purple overalls that are shorts. So they're overalls, you know, they're overalls, but they only come down a little below the knee. Yeah. And then he had high top basketball sneakers on like loud ones, you know, and like some some Jordans or something at that time. And and then like sports socks. He looked like a little like child, like a granimals type of outfit. But I made so much noise coming out.

He looked over. So I was just like, clearly, I ran out there to see him. He probably saw my friend Lewis, who just had seen him. Anyway, all I did was raise my hand and wave. And then he raised his hand and waved back. And then I went back in and waited for Riddick Bowe another two hours.

And then what happened was— And you could have talked to him if you wanted to. I don't know. I don't picture him talking. I don't know. I would find something, like with Joe Stree, you always try to find the most recent thing. That's what artists want to talk about. Do you have any regrets about that?

No, I don't think so. But I then wanted to know why he was there because i know he's a boxer he likes doing it recreationally and he he has a gym by his coffee shop in uh santa monica if he still owns that and i know he's boxed bub dylan has sparred with jack nicholson which give me a pay-per-view for that i I'm buying it. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. And Carolla would box over there too. So, um, but, uh, I went out later and went down and apparently there's this ancient dude who works on guitars in that section of new Orleans. And that's why Dylan was there. Okay. He was also living in New Orleans at the time.

I was in Santa Monica one time on Broadway and I ducked into a coffee shop. I was trying to do some writing and I'm sitting there and it's all these, you know, chicks in yoga pants with, you know, protein fucking avocado toasts and one of them is complaining about the music that's

playing meanwhile it's like the greatest music i've ever heard it's like fucking you know wilson pickett b-sides followed by like a muddy waters tune and then yeah and so and they're complaining they keep rolling their eyes when a new song comes on. And finally, I was up at the counter to get a refill. And I go, by the way, great playlist. I go, who does your guys' playlist? And they were like, oh, this is Bob Dylan's coffee shop. He does the playlist. He literally does his own playlist for his coffee shop.

I didn't even realize it was his coffee shop. Yep. His radio hour, it was one of the best radio shows I ever heard. And I was slow going into it. I was like, I don't know what else, but his theme time radio hour. One last thing I'll say about Dylan came up this past, at one point, something came up while I was driving Olivia, my youngest daughter, she's 15 in the car. And something came up about like, maybe like, why do I like him so much and you know whatever I said something you could predict like well you don't understand I go I kind of consider

him a friend in a way because and I'm like I'm sure you have this and everyone has that but like there's incredibly intimate moments where it's just just me and him I was in dorm rooms when I was depressed when I was feeling good when I was feeling, but it was just one-on-one. And I go, I also learned like so much from like politics. She's like, what politics like, would you learn from? So, you know, I was like, you know what? I go, here's this, here's a song that no one above don't saw. No one will play you. So I played her the lonesome death of Hattie Carroll. She had like never heard it. And this was the best response ever. She listened to it. And then she she goes why the fuck did you play me that that is such a downer because it's the most heartbreaking fucking song other than it's also john well john brown

well i can't play hurricane because he says the n-word oh right right so yep anyway my family talks about that too much what else do we got oh Sinead O'Connor interview it's written down here look at that yep well done well it's very interesting so she has a memoir coming up but the New York Times sat down

with her and it was a really interesting interview oh that's great you should find it but she gave a little I know a lot about her ripping up the Pope on Saturday night live. And I didn't know this detail though. So for those of you who don't know, that's the most punk rock move I've ever seen on television. Like, I don't even know, maybe like the Chinese guy in front of the tank. I'm trying, I'm literally trying to place it in the in the most powerful things I've ever seen on camera. And so she was protesting the widespread systemic abuse, sexual abuse of children by the Catholic Church and how they were moving priests around.

This is fucking 1992. The movie Spotlight, just to put in perspective, in Boston, which gets all this credit, that was in 2000, I think. Or maybe even 2002. It was a decade later. Yeah. But anyway, she goes on. She did dress rehearsal and tore up something else,

knowing she was going to tear up this picture of the pope. And then she did. And and it was about that. And she sang War by Bob Marley. So. She I didn't know about that picture. Her mom abused her her whole child childhood in this interview, in this interview, she says they would have a little, it's a weird competition, but I didn't question it. But like they would have this when they were really young kids in grammar school who can crawl up into the smallest ball. And Sinead goes, and I always want it. Like I could get into the tightest ball ever. And she hadn't, you know, and she never asked how I could do that. And it was because of the mom's beatings and hiding, you know, trying to protect herself from her mom when her mom died have you told your uh daughter this story just

to cheer her up after the bob dylan song when her mom died that was the only picture that was pinned to the mom's bedroom walls and so she grabbed that to keep that and tearing that up had extra meaning in the song and it's also why she cries when uh she talks in uh nothing compares to you when she cries in the video when she gets to the part about the mom wow yeah damn she's amazing she She is incredible. She is. I don't use this word loosely. She's, I mean, crazy is not a good word. She talks about the word crazy a lot,

actually in this interview and in the book, but she has spent two, like many, many years getting, um, with mental health issues, battling them and in institutions. Yeah.

Also crazy in the sense that like the the industry has called a lot of female singers crazy over the years you know um they call you know anytime they do something too outlandish they're crazy they're unstable um you know it happened it happened to fiona apple it happened to, oh God, who's the- Britney Spears. Yeah. She brings up Britney and she was like, it seemed like I was the only one not confused why she shaved her head.

Yeah. Because that's what, she came in and Sinead shaved her head right after a meeting with a record executive who told her to try to be more feminine and to maybe wear it. Cause you know, she's incredibly good looking person and, uh, to do like more with her hair. And she's like, okay, note taken. Soon as the guy left, she shaved her head. Cause she said, I, I didn't want to look human anymore. Yeah. And she goes, I felt it made me look like an alien. I think a lot of abused children, especially females, do things to hurt their appearance,

you know, with dyeing their hair black and wearing, you know, black clothes and covering their bodies so it doesn't show any form. You see that a lot with abused victims. I didn't know this. Yes, you do. I didn't know this. Why do you think I shaved my head?

Right. Well, you want to look more like a formerly hot chick right yeah um that she sang this is now from chris she sang conor mcgregor into a fight one of the coolest moments in live sports the foggy dew i guess that's what she's saying huh all right yeah um if you're looking to watch something i watched a uh uh documentary last night on hbo max that's called um a lonely life i think it's about these two lesbians and look don't put hbo and lesbian together it's actually a wholesome story about these two women and it's about they they had a 65 year relationship that they kept secret until two years before they died and then they get married and it's just so beautiful but it just points out like what you had to hide like in the 1960s, Mayor Daley in Chicago, they were living in Chicago, was doing raids on bars.

And if you were gay, they would raid gay bars. And if a woman had more than three articles of clothing that could be construed as men's clothing, they were thrown in jail. If a woman had a zipper on her pants, she was thrown into jail. I mean, it wasn't that long ago. And they just talked about how they had to. And it was so sad because one of them was a poet. And she would write these beautiful poems that they read in the documentary to the other one. And then the interview in the documentary was like, how come the bottom of the page on each one of these poems

is ripped off? And she said, well, because she used to sign them and we couldn't risk anybody ever finding them knowing that a woman had written this to another woman. Wow. Yeah. Gays. I know. I wish I had the name of that I probably don't have the name right I'll announce it on the next or somebody write a correction called a secret love or something a secret

I don't know well just google HBO lesbians I'm sure there won't be many results I'm kidding what did you watch this week oh wait what's this chris can keep typing shenate o'connor interview netflix they filmed it huh a secret love huh i got it right shocking oh no he wrote that next to shinead O'Connor interview. There you go. There we go.

Netflix's secret love. Not HBO, Gregory. Florida, man. It's really about a Florida gator. He chased people through a Wendy's parking lot. I just love the headline. A large alligator paid a blood-freezing visit to Wendy's in Florida on Monday. The six-foot-long reptile chased pedestrians through the fast food restaurant's parking lot in Lehigh Acres.

That's all I got. I just thought we would just want to remind people how crazy Florida is well let me tell you something if you didn't catch them that was a slow ass alligator because people in a Wendy's parking lot in Florida are not fit they're not trim I think you're right especially he knows where to go that's kind of like the subway trick. He knows the trap. He knows where he's going to find the easiest prey. It's like, where are you headed for dinner tonight? Wendy's? Yeah.

These people also aren't making the best decisions. They're probably not going to think on their feet too quickly. Yeah. People that buy milkshakes that you can't get through a straw. You know you're fat when you order a milkshake, you need a spoon for, but they've got the suction power in those fucking overactive mouths of theirs. They can suck that ice cream through that straw like nothing. My doctor said to stop eating burgers, but I figured I'd switch to the square burger

because it's different. Yeah, it's cutting off i studied math in eighth grade it's cutting off 33 percent of the meal i'm on a diet eating wendy's dude you ever see i remember wendy's was the first one to set up a salad bar and it was like iceberg lettuce and some jalapeno peppers because they knew nobody was fucking walking over that thing i mean can you uh oh i can't even imagine this is what sneeze guards were built for yeah disgusting here's the salad dressings they got they got mustard and honey all right what else you got ketchup and mayo man that's your uh french dressing yeah we're going international here we go

all right a british beverage company is seeking an official cocktail tester to get paid more than 280 dollars to spend a year drinking free cocktails the liquor lab a company that sells mobile cocktails for events announced it is seeking an official cocktail taster and uh the candidate will be paid 283 dollars they get a year's supply of free cocktails delivered to their door. It's open only to British residents over the age of 18. Huh. Well, yeah. What do you mean by that?

18. You know, you're fresh out of school. You're looking for some resume stuffers. Something to really show that you're serious about the world. And you get that $283 pre-taxes. Right. What delivered to your door? I assume these were like mixed drinks that were mixed.

And is it too fruity? Is it maybe they're bottled? Well, it says that the company is as they do they do mobile cocktail bars so i would imagine they show up with one of their mobile setups at your door and maybe the idea is if they were to say you know come to our lab every night and get shit faced then they got some liabilities about you getting home i guess It's also good for a COVID year. Right. I got nothing on this story. I like that job.

Why wouldn't you do that? Why wouldn't that be a side hustle? Yeah, if you're an alcoholic, but, you know, alcoholics don't really give a shit about the taste of the cocktail, though. Hold on. This is coming in from Chris Denman. Unrelated, Bert Kreischer looking feverishly for apartments in London. There's a joke?

Hey now. Look at that. Everybody keeps asking us week after week, when are we going to be on Bert Kreischer's podcast that we recorded two months ago? I don't know. I can ask. I can ask. We'll see. I think he's in Croatia filming a movie, isn't he? Serbia.

Serbia. Who won the war? Croatia or Serbia? I think everybody loses in war, Greg. Yep. Yeah, that's the answer. All right, forget sports. We already talked about them.

Let's do some science. Lakers move on. Knicks, though. I'm going to be watching the Knicks game. Let's blind ourselves with science. They are no bigger than sesame seeds, and they pulse with a hypnotic rhythm. And no, we're not talking about my testicles. These are human mini hearts, the first to be created in the lab

with clearly beating chambers the miniature organs mimic the working heart of a 25 day old human embryo and could help unravel many mysteries including why babies hearts don't scar after they experience a heart attack babies have heart attacks heart attacks? That just goes to show you. Stop telling me what not to eat to get a heart attack. What does a baby have? Tit milk? And he's getting a heart attack? I don't know.

It could be the mother just pounding beer all day. Smoking cigarettes. This is a great study, said Zen Ma. My mother was a Den Ma in the Boy Scouts. A bioengineer who develops a heart organized at Syracuse University was not part of the new research. The experiment is very important for understanding congenital... Whatever. Look, they've done many organs before, like brains, guts, and livers, but have never done a heart.

What does this mean? I don't get this story. I guess they have developed using, like, I guess, what, like, I think, like stem cell? You think this is stem cell type research? It doesn't seem like it. It seems like a guy made a mini heart based on one that's inside the womb. What does that do for us? Smaller than a sesame seed.

Yeah, but they've got microscopes, Mike. They look at these little hearts, and then they can do fun things with them. They can put little tiny pacemakers on them. So they're just going gonna play with it this is gonna be the ultimate valentine's day gift for your girlfriend yeah yeah oh you can't see it it's there trust me it's there it's a miniature organ no it not. That's a sesame seed. Nope. Nope. It could help unravel many mysteries. Like, why did you put all this time

into this? Including why babies' hearts don't score after they experience a heart attack. Okay. I don't know. I don't get it. Bad job on science, Greg. Bad job on science. Okay. Business. Here. Business. Here we go.

All right. Jeff Bezos. Blue Origin, his space program, says bids for a seat on its 11-minute rocket flight to space have reached $2.8 million. rocket flight to space have reached $2.8 million. Jeff Bezos' space firm is auctioning off one of six seats on the New Shepard for an 11-minute trip scheduled to blast off on July 20th, which is set to be the company's first space tourism flight. Blue Origin uh this journalist that more than 5200 applicants across 136 countries had bid for the ticket since wednesday wait a minute 11 11 minute trip to space that's not that's not exactly deep space in 11 minutes that's like that's like taking a trip to new jersey by the way jersey is a beautiful fucking state but if you take an 11 minute trip into jersey all you're saying is newark you might get carjacked that's the home that's the capital that's the home of carjacking

did you imagine getting carjacked in space by the russians um yeah so also there's other people on this i guess but let's say it was just some rich guys uh i don't know how badly people would feel if it didn't go perfectly yeah you know what i mean right right i Louis Edmonds joke, you see that? Yeah. 11 minutes is an eternity, says Greg's wife, Erin. 11 minutes is about how long it takes for us to get a piece of fucking research done on this podcast. Okay, all right. Yeah, you got an LOL.

But anyway, these rich guys, yeah guys yeah 11 minutes it's like you could do a virtual one i i mean i guess they just have money to burn these guys you know like that's to pay three million dollars though for that 11 minute ride is crazy all right so say you're a billionaire 2.8 million dollars is like a fucking hundredth of a penny to you why not when you set up charities when you like help people make people's lives better even if it's ego driven't you want to feel powerful by like making, getting people who need food or cars or like, wouldn't you do something and then hopefully be more thoughtful so you can have a, you know, create a permanent change? Nope. Want to shit my pants hurtling into space. I would, I would shit my pants on purpose just because you're stuck in that capsule with all these other assholes that pay three million dollars i would do it just for the sake of stinking up the cabin

and i mean it's also i wonder what the scale i wonder what the exact like how safe is this like flying on a plane is incredibly safe way safer than going in a car. But I wonder what this is. Now, I don't know a lot about space travel, but do you have to, would they rotate the Earth, do you think, in that 11 minutes? Probably not, right? No, of course not. That's 25,000 miles. Well, would the Earth spin and go against it? No, I think they go straight up.

They don't have time. They go straight up and They don't have time. They go straight up and straight down. Huh. Yeah. It seems like once you break through the atmosphere, that's the hard work. Then you want to spend a little time up there. Maybe.

I guess we should look it up. Yeah. All right. It's Thursday. We have time. All right. Also in business, I don't know if you've kept your eye on the cryptocurrency this week. That's probably one of the biggest stories. Yeah.

Well, the IRS is getting involved. That's not good. I think it's one of the reasons it's been going down in price. The Treasury is calling for crypto transfers, kind of like banks, of over $10,000 to be reported to the IRS. Yeah. So that's happening. Of course. It's fucking money.

You're buying stuff with it, in theory. Although nobody really does, which is why I've never bought Bitcoin. As soon as they start actually using it as a currency, then it'll have some value. But right now, it's just a giant Ponzi scheme. And it fell. It crashed in the last week. From $64,000, it's down to about less than $40,000 right now. Dogecoin.

Is it Dogecoin or Dogecoin? Doge. Dogecoin went from $0.51 last week to 40 cents this week down 20 there you go and as far as the investopedia pool we have our big contest going paying off over 100 to the winner this july 4th and when i say over $100, exactly $100. Right now in the lead is Sunday Morning Stonks. He turned his $100,000 into $198,000, pulling ahead of the guy that was in the lead last week.

And in last place, once again, he was in second to last place, but now Fitter 11 11 has taken his a hundred thousand and he's turned it. He's turned it into 21,000. I love it. I'm at 90. What are you at? I'm at, uh, 92,

five, eight, four. I don't think it has my, why would it have my rank here? We got to see what Craig Kilborn's up to. He's in the game. Yeah, that's interesting.

He, did he last week, he didn't invest anything yet as of last week. I don't know what's happening here. Yeah, whatever. The market's stupid. It's just gambling at this point. All right, let's do some letters to the editor, Mike. I like that. Here, maybe let me make a noise.

Oh, boy, I have no energy. Let's do it. There's a woman named Joanne, Mike. Wait a minute. The Joanne? She still has a crush on us according to this she keeps writing in that's long that's a long hauler she's a long hauler jj said i did that exact thing mike did i don't remember why i think my car might have made it to the parking lot of the gas station

but not the pump before running out of gas and he poured gas into a styrofoam cup and it just disintegrated interesting yeah then i learned that napalm is gasoline and soap oh we should not have put that information out there napalm is gasoline and soap according to a writer uh a guy who writes into a podcast yes yeah because otherwise every time you washed your hands after pumping gas you would uh your hands would run down the street screaming naked i got it all right what's the next one terek said my wife averages about two to three patents per year her name is on the patent as we we were talking we were wondering last week about um if somebody works for a company and they because this was based on 3m the the guy who invented post-it notes died and he died with less than two million dollars he says his wife gets her name on the patent

but it's owned by the company she gets a bonus of about six hundred dollars huh six hundred but there is called there is a thing called a patent of distinction and i believe 3m has something like that where they get a bit more for it i'd say you know what start your own little you got a garage you're supposed to invent shit in your garage not in some multinational corporations laboratory i've seen enough disney movies to know that when you invent something like Flubber there is no boss it's just you in the garage jumping up and down until your fucking head hits the ceiling I love that movie when I was a kid you kid me I think the redo with Eddie Murphy was really good too you you saw that? I have kids.

Did you not watch movies with your children? They don't like it. They don't like watching movies with me. Even when they were kids, you didn't watch Lion King and stuff with them? I did. There was a couple. I saved a bunch for them.

So I've never seen the Toy Stories, and I heard they're very good, and my kids had no interest so that was an interesting one then i have a list of other ones like wally did you ever see wally oh sure apparently it's great it's great haven't seen it wally's great lilo and i saved it for them these bastards my kids were really into like the deviant evil cartoons like Lilo and Stitch. Oh, right. I haven't seen any of that stuff.

Yeah. Christian Corner. That's the guy's name. Okay. I thought it'd be good to know after your analysis on the child porn reporting scenario. That was from Ask Amy last week where somebody oversaw their brother-in-law's phone had child porn on it. And she was wondering, gee, what should I do? Right. My wife works for Child Protective Services here in sunny Florida.

Yeah, it's really bad down here. She mentioned that they do have an analyst that has the worst job in the world. This guy reviews alleged child pornography and determines if it is actually kiddo porn or not. So even if the couple is in doubt, there is a layer of assessment. Yeah, that's a tough job for most people. This guy, you don't want a guy coming in

applying for that job. He's the same guy that's like drinking booze for $238 a year while he's watching child porn well imagine the officer it's like all right listen you know uh frank's retiring so that spot over there screening all the underage uh sex videos so that position is like oh oh all right chris. Calm down. No. Come on.

You promised when he left. I've been training. Can I do it from my car parked outside the school? I should follow up with interviews with these kids, right? Just to see if it was on the level obituaries and that's all folks which we could be listed in here next week after that last bit god this was a very sad one paul mooney who's a comedian that every living comedian respected he was a guy who came up with richard prior he was like his best friend he is um died from a heart attack um i guess he'd had dementia for some time but he was involved with prior and he had that prior had that tv show i forget what it was called

oh it's called the richard prior show and he had a sitcom priors place he wrote on both of those he also wrote on sanford and son in living color and chapelle chapelle fucking loves this guy so he he did he was around chapelle a lot and uh he as an actor he played sam cook in the buddy holly story and he was in spike lee's bamboozled and he was on chapelle show a bunch of times but this was a guy that i remember when i lived in new york i used to uh if i worked carolines i would always stick around for the late shows on the weekends he would do it was so funny because this is how comedy clubs work like i would be doing the early shows at carolines and it would be half empty because carolines is probably the hardest club i've ever

tried to fill and i may actually made a joke about on the video last week it's like it's like the one club i've really had a hard time filling over the years because first of all it has to have a higher ticket price because it's manhattan and then also people are driving in from the suburbs they're paying 38 to park and and it's a and it's fucking driving into the city so anyway then you're walking out and there's a line of black people around the block to sell out paul mooney shows every weekend and he would just get up there and fucking rail he did stuff on race but it was and it was but he was smart, and that guy was a master. Yeah. So, God bless.

Our paths never crossed, I don't think. I mean, maybe with Lopez tonight he came over at some point, but not that I can remember anyway. But I just know he's so revered. Mike, we always need to cheer up after we do the obituaries. I do. Not that I can remember anyway, but I just know he's so revered. Mike, we always need to cheer up after we do the obituaries. I do. All right. I think it's time for the funnies.

Hagar the Horrible. And when I say horrible, this this guy really rape is horrible and i'm just going to read the first two frames of this particular one it's dopey i don't know what hagger's best friend's name is but he's he's kind of he's intellectually disabled and he's sitting at the bar next to this girl who has a surprisingly mod look for the middle ages i'd say that too and he says to her i am a fierce viking i love to raid castles and plunder booty and she fucking leaves of course she left he just plunder booty is the medieval colloquialism for rape, isn't it? Yes. It sounds like a rap lyric.

I be plundering booty. And she's gone. You don't tell her, dopey. Haggard never tells them. You just do it. Otherwise, they run. So wait, is this connected to the ones below it? No, I just like the first frame.

Sometimes with Hager, they'll do, a lot of cartoons do this. They'll do, or comics, they'll do the first two frames as a teaser. This is only in the Sunday edition. The first two frames are a teaser, and then the actual strip starts underneath that underneath that yeah it's like a cold open in a sitcom that's weird i like it and then uh lockhorns we love the lockhorns maybe the best written comic strip apart from what far side and in Doonesbury before it got lame. Far aside for sure. So Loretta is talking to this couple. They're at an amusement park, and Leroy is taking a selfie with a clown.

Loretta says, the clown requested the picture, which I don't know if that means, I think it's funnier that the actual guy with the red nose and the big shoes is requesting a picture with Leroy because he's such a buffoon. That's what she means. I think that's what she means. Okay.

Because the other way to read it is that she's referring to Leroy as a clown. And she says the clown requests the picture. You got a little family circus for us, Mike? Wait, wait, wait. It was in there. Was it? I pasted it in there. Hold on. I see a number nine.

No, now do you see it? I did undo. Now I see it. I guess I erased it. I have not read it. This is sight unseen. You ready, guys? So the picture is the mom leaning down. She looks a little stern. She's talking to this little kid.

Billy. With the yellow hair, though. Maybe looks a little stern. She's talking to this little kid. Billy. With the yellow hair, though. I don't know. Maybe it's not Billy. And then he's holding his schoolwork, which I don't think has anything to do with it. He's looking up at her. And

I guess the mom is saying, all right, whom do you think you're talking to? So I think the homework does have to do with this. I think the joke is he's got a grammar book. He's got a grammar book in his hand and he's just learned about who and whom in school that day.

And he's giving it to the mom, huh? Yep. All right. Yeah, it's brilliant. It's brilliant. I love it. I think the next frame should be him, her smacking the shit out of him going, whom do you think is hitting you right now?

Yeah. Whom are you going to call child services on? Is that even grammatically correct? Whom do you think you're talking to? I think it's to whom do you think you're talking? Well, right. You won't end it with a preposition. They say to avoid that.

Right. I don't know. Whom fucking enjoys this? There you go. Chris Denman, all the way. Well, I think it would be who. Who do you think you're talking to? Denman got it wrong.

No, who fucking enjoys this? Yeah. Yeah. Blondie. Okay, save it. Let me set the stage. Let me set the stage. Oh, thank God. Blondie, not only is me set the stage Let me set the stage Oh thank god

Blondie Not only Is the fucking Housewife of the year And the hottest chick In the Sunday papers She also Works her ass off

She caters She has a catering business And she dotes on this Fucking Lug And He She walks in

He's laying on the couch It's a weekend he's laying on the couch facing away from her like are you depressed agwood is there something about this marriage that's bringing you down and she walks in in a uh she has a sherbert a raspberry sherbert colored top on and black velvet pants. And she says, dear, I thought you were going to take the storm windows down this weekend. He doesn't even roll over. This fucking piece of shit without turning around goes, there's plenty of time. Second frame, it lets you just seethe with Blondie. Arms are now crossed and she looks at him.

Even the dog senses something's up third frame is she he has been pulled out of frame there's clouds coming off his feet indicating she has fucking she has kung fu'd him off the couch and he says you're right honey there's no time like the present is there no there No, there isn't, Dagwood. There isn't. I don't even get that. So is that Blondie saying that in the last frame? No, he's saying it.

He's saying you're right. Now that she's kicking his ass, he's like, oh, no, no, no, you're right, honey. There's no time like the present, is there? All right. Why should she need more than her feminine wiles to get him to do anything? He should be scrubbing the toilet with his teeth to be able to marry her. I don't know. I'm on Dagwood's side this week. Why doesn't she change the goddamn storm windows?

Watch out. Gee, which one of us is divorced? Mike, we've done it from coast to coast once again. I don't think we've done it. We have to apologize. I have to apologize for my low energy. Jeez. Your energy wasn't that low.

Man, no, I'm not. I'm closing my eyes for 10 minutes immediately after we hang up. Wow. I'm going to go downstairs. I call it meditation. Talk to my family about driving from New York to Virginia with my brother in the car. When's that going to happen?

We're leaving in the morning. Me and my brother, sister, and mother driving down. Oh, yeah. Where are you right now? In your sister's house? Yeah. In my nephew's room. Got it.

Yeah. All right. house yeah in my nephew's room got it yeah um all right what do you got lined up for the rest of the weekend i don't know i don't know what we're doing um maybe a little golf uh friday night i think mikey got a spot um i don't really know i haven't gone there yet by the way. I'm under the impression it's Wednesday. I talked about Gubbins last week and his temper on the golf course, and I didn't get a call from him. I thought there would be an angry retort to us talking about him.

You warned him, and I think he stopped listening. Yeah. What's he going to do? He's busy trying to get the vaccines out. He just wants to make sure all the white people are vaccinated. what's he going to do? He's busy trying to get the vaccines out to, uh, he just wants to make sure all the white people are vaccinated. Yeah.

He's out. He's out picketing that they don't send our extra vaccines to sub-Sahara Africa. Um, all righty, man. All right. We'll catch you next week.

As always, we want to remind you people that you can listen to FitzDog Radio on Tuesdays. Childish comes out on Wednesdays. And if you want to get a cameo, you can go to the Cameo app and look up Greg Fitzsimmons. I can send a little birthday message, a anniversary message to you for just $49. Wow, look at that.

Cheaper than flowers. I'd do it yeah if I was one of you guys I would do it you should pay yourself to say something nice to your wife and don't forget always support our sponsors I'm out of gas to find people it's Sunday

if you want to get $20 off your custom plan, go to getsunday.com slash papers. Great organization. Great company. All right, Mike, we'll see you next week. Take it ace. Take it ace.

Read all about it. Sunday fucking papers. Read all about it. Sunday fucking papers Fuck CNN Fuck MSNBC Greg and Mike bring us the news And if they get it wrong

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