Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 65 5/30/21

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

Mike joins TikTok, a Starbucks barista a is fired for mocking a drink and Greg invites The Church of Scientology to kill his dog.   Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime

I get the news from a guy named Greg. I get the news from a guy named Mike. I get the news from a couple of dudes who wouldn't know facts if it would save a life. Mike makes a buck with a couple of shorts He doesn't know how to price his position He is trading his futures for his success Read all about it! Read all about it! There he goes. You've pulled up to a red light. Someone wants to squeegee your window. Someone wants to sell you a newspaper.

Read all about it! Where do you come up with them? Where are the gems? It's unbelievable. I work all week. I work all week on those. What are you, standing? Are you standing there? I'm standing. I'm like one of those cocky sportscaster guys who knows that LeBron is better than Jordan.

Okay. I want to argue about it on ESPN. And that's why you're standing? That's why you're standing? I need some energy. I got to, you know, these morning ones, somebody did suggest we do these in the afternoon, but I think that would make it hard on our producers. I have energy you don't worry about.

I'm never going to complain about being tired again on this podcast. Right. People can't, they don't want to hear it. And I agree. So, Mike. Yeah. What's new? Why would I lead with this?

But I joined TikTok this week. Oh, boy. It's over all productivity you're not you're not even going to get around to your masturbation anymore i i wouldn't i don't know there's some things you know three hots in a cot and then that thing but i would say i haven't i haven't i haven't really gone on it i joined because someone sent a clip of this horse who was running in place, kind of. And it was pretty funny. But a woman who posted it said she couldn't even speak. She was laughing so hard.

And she goes, just go to the comments. You won't be disappointed. Go to the comments. And I realized I've never seen a TikTok comment because I wasn't a member. I would see the clips. You know what I mean? And I do love comments. Like even in Tosh, that was one of the bits we put in there,

which is 10 seconds on the clock, here are as many comments as we can make. You know, like comments, they're so funny. So that's why I joined. Well, I'll tell you, my son just joined. He resisted for years and then he just joined. And now it's like watching a child spiral into a heroin addiction. He gets nothing else done.

He sits on the couch all day. And this is an active kid. Owen is the kind of kid who's like, he's a pinball around the house. He can't sit down. And now he's just sitting there glazed over watching TikTok. It's really intense. All right. I will. I'm not immune to it. And I can go down the biggest, I can go down wormholes on Wikipedia, nevermind YouTube. So I will say I did lose a couple of hours when I first joined because somehow it already had the metrics on what Mike Gibbons likes to watch.

Oh, yeah. No, no. But how could it? I haven't. Even as I sit here, I have not liked a single video yet. But one of the first things it showed me was cooking on Tourette's. And forget about it. That was the next two hours.

Really? What? You're not going to watch people with Tourette's cook? Are you insane? I'm like, forget the stock market. How can I be an investor in a restaurant with Tourette's chefs? That's my niche. Hey, have you been to that Tourette's place? Just call it Tourette's.

Yeah. Two orders of the steamed dumplings and country fried chicken. Cut, cut, cut, country fried chicken. You know, this is a little, I asked for medium rare. This is a little, I would not send that back if I were you. Bitch, bitch, bitch cut, bitch cut. Right. Kikes, kikes in the kitchen. Kike, kike kike all right of course are we canceled already because of uh doing this but these people take ownership of it and you

see them and you know and they do it and you know whatever i hate to reference tosh again but in we're talking about clips early on i was. There's a singer with Tourette's. And all I'll tell you, he puts himself out. He puts himself on there. He advertises it's with Tourette's. And he sings Lady in Red. It's maybe one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Because he can have a good voice.

I think he might be Scottish. And he can have a good voice. I think he might be Scottish, but, and he can hold that tune, but there's such tension when he's like, lady in red, cut, cut, cut,

cut, cut. Like, and it's even more tension than I just said. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Um, yeah,

there was a guy with Tourette's that lived on the bottom floor of the apartment I lived in, in Brookline, Mass. And, yeah, there was a guy with Tourette's that lived on the bottom floor of the apartment I lived in, in Brookline mass. And, uh, you could hear him from downstairs screaming. He would say the N word. He would say,

kike. He would, he was, it was fucking crazy. And his mother couldn't, she would like walk him down the street. Like you walked a dog. She had her hand on his arm.

He was severe. It was really bad. There's a documentary. They had this documentary, and I think there was like a convention for Tourette's. And I think it was in Boston, right near BU, but on the other side of the Charles. I forget what hotel that was. The Charles Hotel. That had the big lobby with the elevators going up and down.

Yeah, the Charles Hotel. Okay, so this lobby, it's like a circular hotel, and the lobby's in the middle. And it's like, so it's a big, it's a big like cylinder. And so they have the convention, and they're interviewing people. And you just hear like, fuck, fuck, con, con, con, like bouncing because everyone's in their rooms, but it's bouncing in this lobby off all the walls. It was unbelievable. But there's something about it. Everything I'm going to say, of course, is politically incorrect, I guess.

But I just think, and I'm not backpedaling here, I think it's very relatable. I just think, and I'm not backpedaling here, I think it's very relatable. And we know people with OCD, you know, in our lives, but it's very relatable when a thought comes up and you and I have impulse control issues. A thought comes up and you're barely able to hold on to it and you can relate to that struggle. with Tourette's you're watching people, you know, more often than not lose. Yeah. Very often lose that struggle to don't let that, don't say that word. And it's more than that. And that's where it's really related to the OCD component. Like on the cooking with Tourette's it's like, uh, put the oil in the pan, touch the pan, like, and, and they say it out loud,

but they can not block the compulsion to touch the pan. Yeah. Or the guy's cooking pasta, pasta, pasta on the wall. And he takes a little pasta and puts it right on the wall. And it's amazing. But I just think it's incredibly relatable. I honestly do. My son, I was saying to my son, because when he got on TikTok, of course, like,

and now he's mastered like 17 different things that you can do on TikTok that I never realized. Different functionalities. And so I was like, can you save? I said, can you have a folder with all your favorite videos in it? He's like, yeah, you just, he goes here, I'll show you. And so he pulls up all the things that I've liked. And it was like, here, let me show you on the screen. Here's what we're looking at.

This is my son looking at my favorite videos that I've liked. Oh, I see women's bodies and faces. Just fucking 19-year-old girls in bikinis, close-ups of their feet. Yeah, it's unbelievable. And I was just like, I immediately shut it down. You should totally just go find young 18-year-old boy bodies everywhere loaded. Owen, can you tell me again?

I forgot how to do the file. Let him see it all. A giant over correction it's not that much different than your daughter finding people screaming Tourette's on your favorites you know you can also if you don't like something you can hold your finger on the video and it'll pop up options one of them is not interested and so if you're getting a certain sometimes it really like it it thought i liked fishing for some reason and it kept showing fishing and then when i started hitting not interested it got rid of the fishing ones so when the video is playing like here's a video playing you just you hold your finger on

the screen and then that comes up and right there it says not interested what was that video uh i can't really see it is it a girl stretching in bed yeah she's stretching you know you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna say no i bet you didn't i bet you canceled your do not like very fast just now. And the best part is, is TikTok is so short. You don't have time to get your pants down, get a tissue out. You know, you've already moved on to the motocross guy landing on his head. They don't loop?

Yeah, I guess if you're into the loop, that could work. I don't know. I got my pants down pretty quick when it was cooking with Tourette's. I can't even say it. Anyway. No, but I was- Some good recipes. Some good recipes. It actually was helpful.

Yeah. TikTok is pretty amazing. And it was a stock that I should have- I really was early in on it. I was mocked by everybody when I was on TikTok a year ago. And I should have bought stock because I was so addicted. I thought to myself, there's no way this isn't the new Facebook. And it is.

It's the new social media platform. Right. I still think MySpace should come back. Everyone would join it. I fucking love MySpace. I see think MySpace should come back. Everyone would join it. I fucking love MySpace. I see memes all the time. Come back with an innocent social network, an innocent, benign social network. It's also great if you're a comedian because you can, of your friends, like if Sam work working St. Louis for some godforsaken reason.

Right. I can send an invite to people that are within that area code. I can pick a few area codes and specifically target those people. Yeah. As opposed to Twitter, where you've got to, like, I don't want to annoy somebody in Seattle because I have a gig in West Palm Beach, Florida. I don't want to blanket all my fucking followers you just want to annoy florida that's right that's right all right what do we got that song was that song was kind of fun wasn't that fun that was uh tony kakachi now normally you get you get flagged on uh you know we play our our show on YouTube, which, by the way, if you want to watch us, we're on YouTube at the Greg Fitzsimmons channel.

You don't need to watch us at all. And they flag you and you don't, because you get, we get a little trickle of money that comes in. We don't get a ton of viewers on YouTube, but you get some money, but you don't get any money if you use a copyrighted song, including parodies. But I think Tony's is so bad that it won't even qualify as a parody. And when I say bad, I just mean not directly good. I like the logo. Here's how bizarre I am.

I think that color looks good on me. So my head's been Photoshopped on a lime green sweater. I have no idea what colors work with me. Yeah. Like sometimes a green shirt, depending on the shade, works, and it looks good on me. So if anyone out there knows what they're talking about, I guess what? You match it with your eyes?

How about this? I have a ruddy complexion, blue eyes. My hair kind of doesn't know what it is. It's like graying, but it kind of looks lighter brown because of the grays, basically a mess. And, uh, and I don't know why that lime green logo kind of looks like a key lime. It's a key lime. I of course would never own a key lime piece of clothing but i'm wondering why like would orange i would just think it my face is already looking orange why would orange look good but i once orange looks good you know what else looks good brown brown is really good with your complexion like a deep brown really yep how do you know because you're black is not good once you get a middle-aged as we are you start to lose color in your face and if you wear black it makes you

look especially kind of like pale so they say not to wear black but brown is good it's always good for pale skin and red hair you were a redhead when you were young right that black notice is not good yep yep oh boy red is good a deep red red uh you see this is why i have no clue these are all my the last things i would have guessed yep never wear white if you're pale. What? Sometimes the white looks really good. If you could be black or Mexican, which one would you be? Mexican? You're just talking aesthetically? Yeah.

It's probably because I grew up with Italians who are basically the Mexicans of the Mediterranean. I mean that in a positive way. No offense to Mexicans. We have Tourette's, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a mild form. No, that's actually a very big insult to Mexicans, calling them Italians. I would say I just had such envy of olive or generally tanner skin. I mean, that's all I wanted.

That's all I wanted. I was the same way. So I was like one of the only non-Italians in my school in Greasechester growing up. So that's the baggage I walk around with. Yeah. that's the baggage I walk around with. Yeah. When I was a kid, I was so pale and,

uh, my town was full of, uh, Cubans, Colombians, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, and,

uh, and Italian and a lot of Italians. And every girl that I dated was plump and brown. I love that look. Like I liked, I don't know why I was the skinniest kid i weighed 115 pounds on tiktok yeah yeah you did gymnastics what does that have to do with anything i don't know you just described a little sort of a little girl's body whose uh period is going to

be delayed about eight years because you're slamming those parallel bars with your stomach? Yeah, I had nice legs. I had a girl's legs. If you put nylons on my legs, I could have jerked off to my own legs. That's going to be my TikTok. Legs all over to you. Owen helping you save all your leg photos

um by the way the logo as we should give credit to melody myers who did the logo and uh melody is married to our friend rob dukes of exodus of the metal band exodus who's our friend from phoenix song last week, holy moly. He did last week's song, and we got so much feedback on it. People fucking loved it. And he, I should announce, he's got a new single that came out today

called Never Relent. And it is, the band is called Generation Kill. It's also got Gary Holt, who's the guitarist from Slayer what? and the video is badass it was fucking expensive I was like damn

it's like a whole medieval war scenario and heads on stakes it's pretty badass so check out the video too or listen to it on iTunes and Spotify. Well, maybe Melody can put me in different shirts and tell me how I look. Yeah, Melody.

She did a good job this week. Yeah. Yeah, Melody. Some corrections. Wait, is Melody related to Rob? Yeah, I think they're married. They're either boyfriend, girlfriend, or they're married, but they're like married people if they're not officially married.

Wait, or was it the person who did the graphic last week? No, Melody did this week's graphic with Ellen, and her boyfriend was last week's song. Rob Dukes did last week's. So the musician is with a chick named Melody. That's nice. Oh, was that the... That's why I spend so much time on that.

It's not funny. It's just an observation. There'll be a lot of those today. Yeah. Why don't we observe some corrections? Okay. Elizabeth Brown, not sure how to spell his name, but maybe corrections should be called Denman's

since him doing a bit of research may help end the need for corrections. Do you hear that, Chris? Wow, wow. We've got our, Chris Denman is our producer, and he is a good guy, and he produces the show really well. His corrections are a little slow. He also writes comedy. He writes us some of our jokes.

He's not responding. I know. I'm saying this waiting for him to respond. They show up on our – we have a Google Doc that we look at, and he sometimes writes jokes. And they're often funny. And so far he's reading. I'm reading ahead. I like some of these corrections.

I like hating the next one. Well, no, Elizabeth also said Gibbons said 2000 or maybe later 2002 for the 2015 movie Spotlights release from Fat JC. So, no, this is Fat JC who goes, I laughed hard because of my blunder. Well, get the fat out of your ears, JC. I was talking about the scandal, which was in 2002. You can just talk about the movie all you want. That's not what I was talking about the scandal, which was in 2002. You can just talk about the movie all you want. That's not what I was talking about. I was comparing when the Boston Globe uncovered it all

and how it was a decade after Sinead O'Connor did her Saturday Night Live call-out of the scandal of priests getting moved around to cover up the pedophilia. So there you go. So maybe you're not laughing so hard, Fat JC. Fat JC is so fat. How fat is he? He's so fat when he sits around the house, he sits around the house. That's what I thought.

All right. Mike B. My voice is all gone. I am from Olympia, Washington, which is where my sister went to college. She went to Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, which is, is it the capital of Washington State, Mike, or is Seattle? Seattle is definitely not. I think it's Olympia.

It is Olympia. The band is named after a road in neighboring Lacey, Washington. It's pronounced Slater, not Sleater, Kinney. What? Talking about Sleater, Kinney, the band. Are you kidding? Yep. Sleater, Kinney.

Now, is it one of those where that's its origin, but no one would like, kind of like Dr. Soice, no one would ever really say that? Like Jaguar? Like does the band call themselves? What does the band call themselves? Sleater-Kinney, apparently. But that's wrong, according to Mike B. from Olympia. Yeah, well, he's from there.

I'm going to go with him. By the way way that band it's a great fucking band check it out if you don't know them their last album was called No Cities they had an album in the 90s

called Call the Doctor I think it was it was amazing they had a bunch of really good stuff also Rick Schwartz says it looks like you flubbed the Amazing. They had a bunch of really good stuff. Also, Rick Schwartz says, it looks like you flubbed the info on the Flubber remake. It starred Robin Williams, not Eddie Murphy. Eddie was in the remakes of The Nutty Professor and Dr. Dolittle. And so I thought he was in Flubber.

To be honest, I don't watch remakes. I don't watch any of the Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers. You've got to be fucking kidding me. And kids love Steve Martin as Peter Sellers. It's like, I would beg my kids, please go back and watch Peter Sellers doing the Pink Panther. Oh, yeah. I don't get it. No, it's not as funny.

Oh, that's when you lose hope in the future. You know, a movie I've never given a shout out to, but it's a classic, is The In-Laws. Oh, yeah. Because that was remade with some, well, Michael Douglas was in it, but more importantly, the legend redid it. But I didn't see it. The legend?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Einstein. You know, what's his name? The godfather of alternative comedy. Yes. Albert Brooks is in it, but I didn't go and watch it because of the same instinct. I didn't want it to mar my sort of view. Anyway, the original In-laws is so funny.

Yeah. And anyway, we can talk about that another time. But if viewers want, sometimes they write in and ask, like, what are the recommendations? Like, your favorites? The original in-laws is fantastic. Bob Patterson says the Gulf Stream craps out just south of Ireland. I had said that Ireland is subtropic. It never reaches Ireland.

See the green zones on this map. The guy sent me maps with different climates. I think everyone knew you were wrong. Ireland is temperate. North Africa is subtropical. Well, then why did I see a fucking seal when I was in West Cork? I saw a seal swimming through a river.

Explain that. What do you mean? Seals are in the Arctic. Whatork. I saw a seal swimming through a river. Explain that. What do you mean? Seals are in the Arctic. What's the problem with a seal? Oh, that's true. There's no indicator there. Yeah, what are you talking about? If a manatee showed up in Shannon, Ireland,

then I'd be, all right, Greg, there's a point. It was a manatee. Oh, that's what I thought. Okay, you're right. You're totally right. All right. You know what else I'm right about, Mike? Oh, what?

My lawn. Your lawn, I was there last night. Yeah. It's kind of kicking ass. I didn't want to step on it. As a matter of fact, I'm growing it out a little bit because it's gotten so green and lush. I am. I'm growing it out because I want it to be. I'm attacking the spring with Sunday.

Sunday, of course, is they do a free lawn analysis for you. You get on their website. Just go to getsunday.com slash papers. And what you do is you put in your address and then they zoom in on it and they analyze the soil in your region and they develop uh fertilizer for you uh not just fertilizer but uh everything you need uh to get rid of pests to get rid of um what do they call that? Nibbling grubs. You got nibbling grubs? They're hard to see from space, but they can see them. Yep.

They see them. Get rid of them. No, stuff like seaweed, iron, molasses. Forget it. Yeah. Won't kill a dog, unfortunately. All right. Little interruption in this ad, but one more.

All right. Remind me to talk about your dog after we're done with this ad. Okay. There's a lot of corruption in this ad, but one more. All right. Remind me to talk about your dog after we're done with this ad. Okay. I want Sunday Papers also is sponsored by where they're supported. We're supporting.

Jesus Christ, Greg. Maybe I should have interrupted you with the dog story. Go ahead. It's called Sunday because it takes about 15 minutes on a Sunday to go out and deal with your lawn. You strap this pouch on. It's filled with everything you need to make your lawn beautiful. It takes about 15 minutes. It's unbelievable.

Less than 15. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit GetSunday.com to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom lawn plan at getsunday.com. It really works. It's amazing. Yeah, bitch. So last night, we're eating dinner over your ass.

Todd, the great Tom Moneo was there. I wound up driving him home. Anyway. Author of chaos. Yep. I wound up driving him home. Anyway. Author of chaos.

Yep. And you, that crazy fucking dog of yours, you went to the other room to quiet it down because it was crying towards the bedrooms. You went, you closed the door. I locked him in the bedrooms because otherwise he would be biting people's ankles under the table. Because otherwise, he would be biting people's ankles under the table. You went to the, and they're closed the door. And then I heard an attack. Yeah. A total attack.

Like a really vicious. And then the door slowly started open. And I fully expected the dog to walk out. That's how violent it sounded. And this dog is a shih tzu it's tiny yeah he's a little 15 pound shih tzu and he is the most violent vicious animal i've ever known and he lives in our home and i pet him and literally i pet my dog and I'm wary because he's got fucking postules on his body. And if you hit the wrong one in the wrong way while you're petting him, he'll bite your hand. Literally can't even love the dog. We take him for walks.

And if another dog walks by, he lunges and bites them. And so we had the conversation last night. It's like it would just be killing a dog. Like if you, like it's healthy and it's not near death. So you would just be killing a dog. I know. It's really, it's really a conundrum because he's, he's dangerous and there will be a lawsuit at some point in the future.

He's bit all my friends. Tom O'Neill used to house it. He won't house it anymore because the dog bit him so many times. So I don't know what to do. And he beats up on my other dog. He attacks sweet little Hannah. The sweetest, sweetest dog ever. Yeah.

He just starts biting her. Yeah. I don't know. Tough one. It's not going to be with the Sunday, get Sunday with your lawn care because, you know, with molasses and stuff, that's not going to put your dog out. No, that's the great thing about Sunday is it's, yeah, it's all non-poisonous stuff. Good. Very articulate. Why don't we move on to some news? non-poisonous stuff.

Good. Very articulate. Why don't we move on to some news? Why do I feel like when I do ads, I lose my ability to speak English? You know why? Because you want it to come from your heart, but you're also, if we can say this,

all ads, there is some mandatory, you know, bullet points you have to, more than bullet points. Some verbiage. There's some verbiage you have to hit. Yeah. So you're trying to dance with telling it from your real experience and heart verse, but weaving that in there. And that's hard to do once you're committing to riffing.

Just understand people that when we take on an ad, we turn down ads because they're for things we don't believe in. We were offered an ad for QAnon ads because they're for things we don't believe in. We were offered an ad for QAnon and we said, we thought about it, but in the end we decided not to do the QAnon ad. Yeah. Denman almost jumped out a window, but we just couldn't do it. He arranged the whole thing. So it made him look a little bad. He wanted to steak dinner with them and got the price up pretty high. And I think he got a little, he got a little, he dipped his beak in it also. Yeah, he was getting a taste and it was Bitcoin.

So he was going to get a little bit of Bitcoin out of that. Yeah. All right, let's get to the front page, Mike. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Do it. Oh, Drew. Do it. Oh, my God, a newspaper. Didn't really hear it, but okay. It's a little wilted.

I need a fresher paper. This is an interesting lead story. I didn't see this until you put it in here. On May 16th, popular rapper Kevin Nascimento Bueno, 23, also known by his stage name as MC Kevin. Isn't that amazing?

Because there's been so many rapper names. Don't you think MC Kevin would have been taken already? How did he get MC Kevin? It's like seeing somebody and they've got like Jim at gmail.com. It's like, how early did you get in? Yeah. All right. Hold on though.

His name is Kevin Bueno, and he went with MC Kevin. Your Bueno is in your name. You're not MC Bueno? Oh, I know. That's so much better. What, are you kidding me? Well, it doesn't matter now, Mike, because MC Kevin was- Is it MC Muerte?

MC Adios? MC No Bueno. So he was having a threesome with his friend, Victor Fontenelle, also 23, and model Bianca Dominguez, 26, in a Rio de Janeiro hotel room. When a friend knocked on the hotel room door, Bueno assumed it was his wife, Deloney Bezera, 33, a criminal lawyer who he had been married to for just three weeks. And he was having a three-way with his buddy and a girl and a model.

Oh, no. Bezera had reportedly been texting and calling her new husband. The rapper, not wanting to be caught, rushed to the balcony and attempted to jump onto a terrace below. He missed and fell five floors to his death, making impact twice before landing on the patio by the hotel's swimming pool. Boom. Oh, no. Hey, aren't you MC Kevin? I wonder if the wife finished out the threesome,

just in his memory. You know? Why waste it? It's all set up. So I looked up bueno, because now I'm realizing it's Portuguese, and bueno is bueno in Portuguese, so it still works.

They didn't go with MC Bueno. Here's the weird part. So MC, it's that universal? Like Portuguese? Oh. That's funny, right? Yeah. I mean, not funny, but that's peculiar.

That's interesting. Yeah, well, we started rap, didn't we? Boogie Down Bronx. Boogie Down Bronx. Boogie Down Bronx. Are you kidding me? Sugar Hill Gang. So I guess MC's Universal, sure. But boy, I know what he was trying to do.

He was trying to, I think he, I read a little. First of all, I looked up Bianca Dominguez, the one in the three-way. Yeah. Not worth it. Oh, really? No, I mean maybe, but looks a little ragged. She's a model. In my opinion.

I think if you're going to have a three-way and it's you, a dude, and the girl, the girl has to be a knockout to justify being with another guy also. In what I looked up, it would say Instagram model and call girl. Oh. Which I think is what model means in most of the world, including the United States.

It's like being a porn quote star. Right, exactly. But I think he was trying to hang down and swing onto the porch of the fourth floor balcony. I think he had some stinky on his hang down. Yeah. Well, his hang down stopped hanging is the problem.

All right, let's talk about Alan Dershowitz. Oh, let's talk about stinky. Alan Dershowitz sues Netflix over the Jeffrey Epstein documentary, which we talked about last year. Dershowitz is demanding at least $20 million each in damages for four separate causes of action, including defamation and breach of contract. Epstein victim Virginia G. I can't, Gufer, whatever her name is,

let's just call her Virginia. Epstein victim Virginia alleges she had been recruited as part of the dead money manager's sex trafficking operation, so from Epstein, and had been directed to have sex with Dershowitz and others. Dershowitz, who is still fighting Victoria, and others. Dershowitz, who is still fighting Victoria, Virginia, Jesus, I'm terrible with names, in court, denies he had sex with her and says he never met her. His defamation suit accuses the defendants of, quote, not presenting evidence in the Netflix Epstein series that they received and agreed to present, which he says exonerates him. An attorney for Dershowitz told CNBC in an email that, quote, the damages figure, the amount, in other words, reflects that Professor Dershowitz's reputation has been severely damaged.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. If only one could restore Dershowitz's reputation as the ultimate scumbag lawyer who profits off defending some of the worst people on the planet. If only that can be restored, maybe he'll dismiss the case. And what will restore it more than that guy getting $80 million? Because he'll only do good things with it like buy an island and get some underage girls to fuck his friends he defended klaus von bulow leona helmsley jim baker mike tyson when he raped the woman michael milken oj simpson harvey weinstein jeffrey upstein

donald trump jesus and he talks constantly because he has to about the role of a lawyer. And he's like, I, this is him. He goes, I'm like, you know, a surgeon and a body is being wheeled in. Do I ask if that person was the killer or like the perpetrator of a crime or the victim of a crime? No, I have a duty as a doctor to try to save this life. That, that's his, that's how he validates. Well, why do you consistently represent some of the worst people who, and he goes, yes, you are going to represent guilty. Your, your job is to defend the guilty and non-guilty. Well, um, I heard this argument a lot growing up because one of my dad's best friends, and our families were close, was a guy named Ron Fischetti, who was Gotti's lawyer for years and other gangsters.

And he also defended, remember, he provided free defense for Chuck Schwartz, who was the guy who tortured Abner Luima in the police station bathroom where they stuck a plunger up his ass and they tortured him. his ass and they tortured him. And Ron's argument was always that our judicial system relies on good representation on both sides because it's a check and balance on the prosecution that you have a good defense attorney and that he's not ultimately fighting for John Gotti. He's fighting for the, you know, the machinations of the legal system. Yes. But what Dershowitz is famous for doing is he brings up something from outside the realm of, in my opinion, pertinent facts to the case. Like in the what's his name's, uh, case. There's super rich guy, uh, Klaus von Bulow. Klaus von Bulow was, I believe convicted. And then it was overturned. I think, but anyway, of injecting insulin, I believe into his wife who was dying, um, right.

And killing her. And what they then brought up, I know is widely believed he was guilty. What they then brought up was like they just put the victim on trial. I mean, that's what Dershowitz does. Yeah. Right. He puts the victims on trial and it and it and it sort of effectively blurs things for the jury. blurs things for the jury. And he's constantly reminded, like, you just have to have 1% of a doubt, or I just have to convince one juror that maybe Sonny Von Bulow, who was killed by Klaus Von Bulow, in my opinion, maybe it was her prescription drug take throughout her life. She was a drug addict. Right. It's amazing because if you have enough money, it just seems that, and that was my argument about O.J. Simpson, is so many white people were angry that O.J. Simpson was freed. It was like, isn't this just an indication that a black man has the same ability to buy his freedom as a white man has always been able to do? Well, I told you that, you know, I was at HBO and we're watching it and a friend of mine, a fellow producer there, and he's a black guy and we're watching.

And, you know, we it was a spectacle. Everyone was like it was a, you know, a year long saga. The verdict comes in innocent. Our mouths drop open and he goes, yes, like he does a little fist pump. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck is that? Like we've been watching. He's like, no, no, no, no. He's guilty. He's like,, you know, people getting off, you know, having killed their wives or, you know, white guys who would just buy, you know. Well, guess who Ron Fischetti, my dad's friend, his new client is. No idea. Donald Trump and the New York State state case against him he's representing

donald trump yeah i think they got the goods on you know we were talking about it last night you know in the legal community a lot of people were saying you do not get a search warrant for a former attorney general's apartment rudy giiani in this case, unless you have the goods. Yeah. And it's also way too big a swing and a miss if you don't find something. So their opinion was this search warrant didn't depend on finding stuff in Giuliani's. It would just collaborate what they already have. So hopefully that's true. if there were shenanigans.

Let's get to some Scientology, Mike. Oh, boy. You going to read this whole story? Scientology secrets spill into the open in the Danny Masterson rape case. So Danny Masterson, we all remember from that 70s show. He also was in a Netflix series recently, but he was pulled from that because of these accusations. So this is really about Scientology. Three women took the stand to recount sexual assaults allegedly committed by the celebrity Scientologists and each told similar stories of how church officials

tried to stop them from reporting Masterson to the police. Four women alleged that Masterson raped them in the early 2000s. An ex-girlfriend later came forward as a fifth victim. His accusers are part of a separate civil lawsuit filed in 2019 that names Masterson, the Church of Scientology, and Miscavige. Is that his name? Miscavige. The suit lists 14 accusations focusing on systematic stalking intended to enforce the church's alleged practices and dogma by intimidating assault

survivors from coming forward. Danny Masterson and the church have been accused of poisoning the dogs of Mars Volta and at the drive-in singer Cedric Bixler Zavala and his wife, the actress Chrissy Bixler, whatever. The actress is one of several women who was accused of that 70s show star of sexual assault. So get this. The pair alleged that their dog ingested poisoned meat tossed into their yard by Church of Scientology members. Quote, I'm at the vet dealing with another hurt animal. This is what I've been finding in my front and backyard. This is what Scientology does when you speak about the predators they protect. We had to put her down today. This was the result of eating rat poison rolled up in raw meat. This is the second dog we've had to put down due to the harassment from the private investigators and Scientologists.

This only makes a stronger blah, blah, blah. Wait, so if I piss off the Church of Scientology, they'll throw some poison dog food in my yard? This is why I grabbed the story, Greg. Fucking Scientology is such a sham. What a bunch of fucking criminals. There's no justice. You should put two signs on the fence outside in front of your house. Scientology sucks dick and beware of dog.

That missed cabbage. The sucks dick is not my, that's not how you insult someone. But boy, does Scientology not believe in homosexuality? So I guess that's why I threw that in there. You know what else? Mission Impossible and Pulp Fiction fucking sucked. Sucked dick. E-meters are a crock of shit. Beware of dog.

Miss Cavage is a pussy. Beware of dog who loves turkey. Here's a great story. Great on uh if you knew this guy uh-oh a sheriff deputy in denver who shared anti-vaccine content on facebook has died of covid do i even need to read on do i even need to read on the irony file. Okay. Daniel Duke Trujillo, 33, died on Wednesday. He was a former Marine who served as a deputy for seven years. A Facebook profile photo said, I have an immune system. You fucking sticks are really out on social media going, of course I went and got my vaccine.

I did my research. I know what's in it. You peasants. Oh, buddy, you are the research. I'll get it later after y'all start growing appendages out of y'all's foreheads. That seems weird. He'd wait to see the appendages and then he'll get it. Then he'll get it. Yeah. Okay. I got it. All right. It's okay. The last thing that he wrote was, before you shame me in public for not having a mask, ask yourself one simple question. Will this mask stop an uppercut? Jesus. What the what?

Yeah. Wait. You cut a line out of this. I saw a line earlier about not volunteering. What you learn in the Marine corps is never be the first volunteer oh yeah where did that go but it's all right i actually somehow just remembered it and i was like the marines would be proud of that i don't think the marines would ever endorse uh don't be a first to volunteer exactly marines pride themselves on we are the first ones running towards danger. Although, you know, like 70% of people in the military have turned down the vaccine.

It's a big thing in the military to not take the vaccine. All right. Well, if we invade China, maybe that's a good thing. We'll get China sick again. Now, this time we infect them yeah oh i like it yeah not that we get it china doesn't have it anymore we don't yeah where's my gun uh we'll send it you just head in we'll worry about the gun later we're probably gonna this this this little part of our podcast unplanned you don't even know what i'm about to say, will probably generate a lot of mail.

So Biden opened up the commission to, quote, I guess, get to the bottom, like try to get to the bottom of this theory of the origin of the virus. Yeah. And the theory of that it leaked out of a lab. Right. of that it leaked out of a lab. Right. So one could say maybe he's doing that to like shut up a lot of detractors who are like that's never really been explored, you know, because, you know, for a long time, the country's been like, get over it.

It's from a bat or it's an ax. It's not chemical warfare. It was not intentional in all that stuff. chemical warfare. It was not intentional, you know, all that stuff. Um, but part of me is thinking there might be more there and you know, I'm not really a conspiracy theorist unless they're kind of like fun. But, uh, what do you think about, well, I think it's also, he wants to continue being tough on China. He doesn't want to be seen as soft on China. And this is a little bit of a inside fastball, brush him back. It's kind of a thing that we are going to take a tough stance with you. But it's also just saying, I don't have anything invested in that. Look, if China

launched a virus out of a laboratory, we should know about it. I think we got to stop politicizing everything. Do the investigation. Do it professionally. Fact check it. Corroborate. Scientific. And let's come up with it. I don't have anything invested in it.

And I think that's what Biden is also saying. So if I were a conspiracy theorist, boy, I mean, it's too much of a coincidence that the one town where this originated also has a chemical lab. Right. Like, no, sorry. That's not a coincidence. It's just not. Yeah. And so maybe it did leak.

Maybe an animal. I don't know how. I really have not Maybe an animal. I don't know how. I really have not read about this and I don't know much. I guess maybe I'll start paying more attention to it because I am interested. But also what's conspicuous is China's reaction was a holy shit. Lock this fucking down immediately. Yeah. You see that? You see that field over there?

Build a fucking hospital by next Thursday. And the rest of the world was like, so what's this, the flu? So, I don't know. Now that could be explained by They say a bat flew all the way

up there and bit somebody. I think that's the only theory that they're putting out right now. And listen, I think the easy answer to what I just said is I think American, Italian, Spanish scientists all had the same reaction that Chinese scientists did, except China, through pure will of the dictatorship there, is like, you're building hospitals. You're not going, you know, they just told the people what to do and they have to do it. Yeah. And, and that wasn't going to happen in these other societies. So I don't know. I don't know if someone has an expert opinion and they could back it up, uh, do right in. Yeah. I'd love to hear from you. Cause I don't want to have to research it on my own. Yeah, thank you.

So let's do some entertainment. Oh, boy. Danny Masterson, alleged rapist. We've covered that. Aaron Sprague said, I believe I've listened to every Sunday papers, but have you guys talked about the HBO documentary Q into the storm in the entertainment section? I figured it would be right up your alleys. I saw one episode and I really meant to double back and we'll start from the

beginning. Same. Yeah. It's you know, it really comes down to, like, they think they found Q. I guess Q is one guy, and it's sort of about the search for this one guy, Q, and it seems like they found the guy,

and he's, like, a little crippled dude. Can you say crippled? Disabled. There's a couple reasons you shouldn't have said that. One, I don't think that's Q. Oh. But two, that's not how you't have said that. One, I don't think that's Q. Oh. But two, that's not how you would describe the physically... Cut, cut, cut.

The physically challenged gentleman in the wheelchair. Yeah. But boy, do they interview a bunch of characters. Oh, yeah. Rich characters for sure. Yeah. What I did see this week was Framing John DeLorean. Framing DeLorean.

Oh, it's so good. You saw it, right? I think I saw it a while ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing because- Wait, maybe I saw a documentary about DeLorean, and this is about the New York guy's wire tapping and all that? No, not really.

Well, I mean, he was probably wiretapped. But no, it's about, it's really his life story. It's about how he started out and, you know, went to, grew up in Detroit, started out at the bottom at GM. Was it GM? No, Pontiac. Yeah, Pontiac is GM, right? Yeah, I think so. Anyway, he started out at a big car company. One of the big three. He basically launched the Pontiac GTO. Thank you, John DeLorean. The most fucking badass muscle car of all time. He launched it at a time when they had big engines, but they put big engines into big cars like, you know, like Bel Airs and, you know, big 19 foot fucking Chevys.

And he said, why don't we take that same 427 and throw it into a fucking medium sized body? And so he launched muscle cars. And so and then he went on to create the Fire the firebird and uh a couple chevy what was that chevy that little chevy car the chevette um anyway he was he was on track to become the head of gm which is the the big apparently the biggest company in amer at that time was GM, and he would have been the president of it. And then he was a renegade. He slept with young women, and it was a very corporate environment.

Like when you worked for GM, you were white, Midwestern, wife and three kids, country club. And he was dating fucking 18-year-olds when he was in his 40s. And he was like, I don't know if he was doing blow but he was partying a lot um so anyway it's just a story about uh how he left that role he basically goes fuck all he either got fired or he left but he might have got himself fired and then he launched this car the delorean And there was a girl in my high school whose parent who we were told was DeLorean's daughter. And she drove a DeLorean to school. Hmm.

Yeah. And and I researched it and I don't think that she was DeLorean's daughter. But anyway, I got to I got to drive in it. She drove me to lunch one day in the DeLorean. It's fucking cool. Yeah. I got to drive in it. She drove me to lunch one day in the DeLorean.

It was fucking cool. Yeah. Well, the documentary I saw was, I think he moved the plants to Ireland. Yes, to Northern Ireland. And was really starting it up and really tried to get them to believe in him and that it wasn't going to be out of business. And then he couldn't win that fight, though. He couldn't win that fight, though. It was very similar to that documentary about the transsexual who launched that car in the sense that it was really one person's vision. And they're trying to go up against the big three, you know, the big three automakers. There are a lot of stories about going up against the big three.

What was that other guy's car in the 50s? One of the Bridges brothers played the role. The Edsel? I don't know if it was that other guy's car in the 50s? One of the Bridges brothers played the role. The Edsel? I don't know if it was that. But anyway, there are stories where, you know, the big three in theory, L.A., of all places, had this great public transportation system where the cable cars ran all the way to the Santa Monica Pier from downtown Los Angeles. And there was streetcars all over Los Angeles. Yeah, now people, if you go to Los Angeles, you'll notice all the major roads have a big grassy fucking median

in between the north and south lanes. And some of them, the rails are still there, the tracks. Yeah. And you know that there's artificial reefs out in Santa Monica Bay with the cable cars. No. Yes, there are. No, there's pictures, pictures of them and stuff. And there's other, there's some other dump that has them.

And it looked like the New Orleans streetcars. It was amazing. And the big three ripped them up. Yep. So everyone would have to drive alone in traffic in Los Angeles. Yep. Yep. So everyone would have to drive alone in traffic in Los Angeles. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, that's worth

watching. And then... Okay, this is going to be unpopular. You know what I watched with my girls? What? Something About Mary. It's way slower than I remember. Is it? Yeah. It's way like there were scenes where they really did not try to be funny, like at all. And, you know, those guys are

obviously very funny, the brothers that made it, but like it, um, you know, it has its real, like, but I remember being in a theater and just the whole theater laughing. It's one of my, you know, jackass Borat, like where I remember the theater experience was so magical with with a whole theater dying laughing. I remember I went I went to see with Matt Malloy and I remember Matt Malloy on all fours in the aisle, like literally in the aisle laughing. He almost couldn't breathe. It was insane. How did you guys feel at the moment with, obviously, the jerk-off scene where the cum is on his ear? Yes, that was shocking. girls left the hardest at was when the guy who's playing a physically challenged, you know,

whatever the word now is the handicapped guy, the British guy, when he dropped his keys and he did that very impressive physical kind of dance. And I was howling also. They also, one of the hardest they left is when Matt Damonon says yeah i work with retards yeah yeah and yeah and i had to be like hold on hold on she's about to shame him for saying that like like they were almost checked out as soon as that happened yeah yeah yeah i love i love i love the retarded little bastards or something yeah yeah um matt dylan and then of course the brother and you know like, he was masturbating. Franken-beans, Franken-beans.

It's so inappropriate. Yeah. And when he gets his dick caught in the zipper, that's Steve Sweeney plays the cop. The Boston comic, Steve Sweeney and Lenny Clark. A lot of the Boston. Yeah. Steve Sweeney and Lenny Clark. We had another story in entertainment, didn't we?

Well, the theaters, we don't have to do this. Okay. But it's a little similar to how inappropriate, maybe we'll do it next week. Okay. But the UK theaters promised to only cast trans actors in trans roles, only. So anyway, that's, and we got letters last week about someone misunderstood. I just want to say it for the record. When I brought up last week, the professor who was fired for quoting Mark Twain with the N word, I, my issue

is not at all that I want to freely be able to say the N word without abbreviating it. I have no desire to. That's not my point. My point is once a word is banned, where does it end? Once you've determined that, oh, no one's allowed to say that word, even in the most proper context or another context, which is absolutely showing and highlighting how damning and damaging is a better word. The word is kind of like you, sorry, you cannot at all teach reference or show a swastika. Sorry. Absolutely not. You can't, you'll be fired. It's like, I just don't think that's the way to go so anyway that was all right good for the record the white guys have spoken so fucking listen up yeah speaking of white guys florida man Oh, yes.

Hey, by the way, are you going to read? Where are we? Are we skipping over this? Stop making sense. Can't say it enough. And find that thing on YouTube that talks about there's a film critic who breaks down the film. Stop making sense. amazing at what Jonathan Demme, Oscar winner for Silence of the Lambs, and David Byrne had in mind. All the symbolism, the pacing, the three sort of acts of the storytelling. It's so impressive. Florida man. Florida man. Southwest pilot sentenced for lewd act on Florida flight.

A retired, well, I should say a now retired Southwest Airlines pilot has been sentenced to probation after pleading guilty to exposing his genitals to a female co-pilot and watching pornography in the cockpit during a flight, perfect, from Philadelphia to Florida last year. Your two favorite places. from Philadelphia to Florida last year. Your two favorite places. Two of the most low-rent, unimpressive gatherings of human beings. Michael Hack, 60 years old, said during a remote hearing Friday that the August 2020 incident on the plane started as a, quote, consensual prank with the first officer who was co-pilot. Federal prosecutors said in a news release that Hack had never met the first officer

before that flight. That's a good prank. If you know the person, it's not really a prank. Hey, is it okay if I jerk off in front of you? Well, why? As a prank. Imagine if you heard this story that they're driving in a car, like he picked up a hitchhiker, and he's like, hey, look.

And it's all looking down at his genitals. And also, they're watching pornography. You'd be like, while driving a car? Yeah. This guy's driving an airplane. Oh, good afternoon. This is your captain. We're currently cruising at 20, good afternoon. This is your captain. We're currently cruising

at 20,000 feet. And if you look out the left of the aircraft, you can see beautiful Lake Kissimmee. And if you look right down here, Jennifer, maybe you can Kissimmee this fat manatee hanging out of my pants. Attention passengers, my cock is about

six inches above sea level. There may be some turbulence in about six minutes. We're number two for takeoff, but I might back it up to number six or seven. I need a little more time here. Oh, my God. By the way, don't forget to pick up your United Airlines 50,000 free miles if you purchase the card today. Oh, God. I love credit cards.

Jennifer, can you take the lever? Can you just take these levers? No wonder they locked the door to the cockpit. No doubt. Oh, my God. It's perfectly Southwest also. That has all the ingredients. Southwest encourages the flight attendants and the pilot to be kind of fun on the flight.

Southwest is the least fun. It's basically, it's Florida in an airplane. That's what Southwest is. Yeah, pretty much. I don't know. It's gotten a lot better, though. I have to say, their terminals are new. It's gotten a lot better, though. I have to say. Their terminals are new.

It's very organized now, the way they do it. They've got nice new planes. I don't have the problem with Southwest that I used to. Hey, can we all agree, don't wear flip-flops on a plane? Oh, please, man. Seriously. No, only. All right. What's the sports going on?

Let's do some sports. All right. Well, you know Naomi Osaka, who I believe is, is she the number one or the number two player in the world? It said number two here. I didn't know she was number two, but anyway. I thought she was number one. She's a brilliant tennis player, yeah.

Well, she's very upset. And Rafael Nadal and Ash Barty have dropped truth bombs on Naomi Osaka. I don't know who Ash, I guess Ash Barty maybe is the number one player. Following her divisive French Open boycott, some of the biggest names in tennis have casually given the number two a reality check over her stunning decision to snub reporters for the entire tournament. Why is that stunning?

I mean, athletes have done that before. Like, oh, maybe they keep getting fined. Wasn't there an NFL guy famously? Like, I'm not athletes have done that before. Maybe they keep getting fined. Wasn't there an NFL guy famously? I'm not talking to y'all. They took his shit out of context. They were unfair. Well, she just says that she feels that...

Marshawn Lynch, right. Denman. She says that she... Back from the hopper. Marshawn Lynch. There you go uh i'm just here so i don't get that's right and he kept repeating that that was his answer to every question i'm just here so i don't get fine how do you feel you played in the second half when they put different i'm just here so i don't get fine she said said that she fears the effect on her and her fellow players' mental health. And she says that she thinks the post-match inquests are akin to kicking people when they are down.

I mean, I guess it depends on who's asking the questions. But I don't find tennis interviewers to be like, it's not like football where they fucking, you know, accuse the coach of sucking. They're pretty gentle. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what she's referring to. I do know. I remember one famous tennis post-conference, McEnroe.

And McEnroe is like, I'm not going to answer any, like someone asked something and he answered it maybe. And he goes, and I'm not going to answer any more questions about that subject, which was off subject. I don't know what it was. It might even have been personal about like Tatum O'Neill or someone, whatever, his wife. And he goes, I'm not going to answer. And then question, question. Then they asked, another guy asked him again. He's like, that's it.

And he gets up and walks out. And a fist fight broke out among the reporters because they couldn't believe he had because they wanted they needed for you know their jobs they need to ask mackinrow questions and this guy asked it so the fist and i remember a famous espn sports guy who now announces the dodgers who i really like he was in that fight i'm forgetting I'll look up his name. But he's like a beloved sportscaster who started on ESPN. But that's John McEnroe where, like, you know,

I used to watch those press conferences. He was so exciting. Well, what about, like, when Rogan talks to guys after they just got knocked out? It's like, you know, did you see the left-hand come and he seemed like he was really beating up your leg with the kick? Also, do you think Martians are currently living in New Jersey? Yeah. I kid you, Joe, because I love you.

Because I love you. By the way, did we talk about what happened this past week when I posted a clip, a stand-up clip, and then it got reposted. It was about COVID and how if you fuck a dog, you can get cured from it. And Rogan reposted it. It got four and a half million views from him. It's a great bit. And then Segura reposted it. Shafir reposted it.

I think Kreischer reposted it. Shafir reposted it. I think Kreischer reposted it. It was fucking crazy. But then there was a bunch of trolls who said I stole it from South Park. So the next day I put up a clip showing me doing it on Rogan's podcast back in April of 2020, followed by the South Park that people were referring to, which came out six months later in September 2020. Now, did that stop the trolls, Mike? Nope.

They go, nah, nah, you stole it. Okay, okay. And Trump won the election. So, yeah, so their theory is you had a time machine? I guess so. I guess I play volleyball sometimes with Matt Stone. Wow. I must have asked him about it while we were playing volleyball.

There you have it. The thief. We got another sports story, but let's skip it and go to science. Oh, there it is. Charlie Steiner. How did he find that? I wonder what he Googled. I just tried to Google it. Who's Charlie Steiner?

Oh, okay. Charlie Steiner's the announcer who got in that fight. All right. A Los Angeles toddler has become the youngest American member of Mensa, where membership is strictly limited to those who score at the highest levels of IQ tests. Cashy Quest may be a two-year... Wow. She's a genius and her name is Cashy Quest? That's fucking awesome.

That's like Bolts. That's like Hussein Bolt being the best runner in the world. Also the singular Bolt, maybe. All right, what kind of name is this? She may be a two-year-old, but her skills include naming all of the elements on a periodic table. At two. Holy shit, she's adorable. Dude, you should have put a picture of her.

I know, she is adorable. She's got great hair. She's learned Spanish, deciphers patterns. Quote, she has always shown us more than anything the propensity to explore her surroundings and ask the question why, her father told

CNN. The Athwal said that as soon as Kashi said her first word, her skills developed rapidly. Soon she was speaking in sentences that contained five or more words. I think I read that her IQ was like 140-something, which puts her in the top 5% of all IQs. I mean, every kid asks why.

I mean, Louie even had that bit about that. That was his closing bit. And it was a cold open for Lucky Louie. For right, right right um yeah okay but yeah it's my kids geography because i i love geography just personally when i was little like learning all the capitals learning then i became obsessed with driving across the country my kid forget about it they think like minneapolis is a state it's you know yeah it's a shit show what is the capital of uh carson city south dakota bismarck i don't know helena

i don't know oh you don't know this shit no i i used to know it all and the you know there's there's the the you know albany there's's the unusual ones, too, which you learn, like Carson City. Anyway, I should know more. All right. What about Illinois? Yeah, that's going to be Springfield. That's correct. Yeah.

Kentucky. You're never going to get this. It's going to be Lexington. Frankfort. Yeah. Kentucky. You're never going to get this. It's going to be Lexington. Frankfort. Yes. See? One of the unusual ones. Vermont.

Vermont. All right. What's Vermont? Montpellier. Oh, very nice. Yeah. What is West Virginia? Hmm.

It's not Wheeling. No. It's, I don't know. I should even go. Starts with a Charles. Charles married his sister? Opelous? I don't know.

It's the worst joke ever. I don't know. Pennsylvania's the worst joke ever. I don't know. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. Charleston. Charleston, West Virginia? That's correct. All right.

Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania, man. Forget about it. It's in the middle of the state. It's not Philly. It's not Pittsburgh. It's not Latrobe. It's, oh, it's Easttown.

Mayor of Easttown. No, it's, Alan, no. Oh, of east town no it's um alan no oh fuck what is it starts with an h harrisburg that's right wow so you're really good at this mike all right mayor of east town i guess there's too many spoilers are you all caught up oh are you fucking kidding me i i watched that the second it comes out i am on the couch chips in my lap holding hands of my wife lights out yeah i love it it's a little cheap what are the murders unrelated like that what i don't know right now i don't know they're going into the final episode and there's two different suspects and you kind of don't know which one really did it. Are there only two suspects?

Maybe three. I think they might pull some shit. Yep. I don't know. I tell you what, Kate Winslet has been my favorite living actress for like the last 15 years. I worship her. Slow down. Yep. Well, listen. Who's better? Who's better? been my favorite living actress for like the last 15 years i worship slow down yeah well listen who's better who's better what then kate winslet yeah oh there's a lot of amazing ones i'm bad with names but come on the the woman the mom from the sixth sense who kills it in everything she's in

kills it in everything she's in. Colette, she's unbelievable. I also like who's the other Kate? Mrs. America? Kate McKinnon. Yeah. I know. But there's so many

talented actors. I mean, we're not even mentioning the Meryl Streep's and everything, like the home run hitters. But, you know, there's so many. I mean, they really are. Cate Blanchett. You know, you got Cate Beckinsale. You got Cate Blanchett. You got Cate McKinnon. There's a lot of talented Cates.

Sure is. Now name one talented Aaron. My wife's named Aaron. Is there any good actress named Aaron? Yeah, there's that sitcom actress Aaron. I forget her name. Cate Upton. Cate Upton's name, Erin. Is there any good actress named Erin? Yeah, there's that sitcom actress, Erin. I forget her name. Kate Upton. Kate Upton. Okay, easy. Best tits in the business.

Oh, boy. I don't know. The real victim, though, in Mare of Easttown, of course, is the English language. Oh, I know people from Philly that don't have that big of a problem with it. No, they're saying that, yeah, well, Tom O'Neill last night, sadly from Philadelphia, and he thinks that it's pretty accurate.

But I don't know why they play so much. I didn't need the accent because they don't speak with it half the time. Right. So, and I'm not missing it. It's still just as depressing. Yeah. It's so, I mean, so it's basically the deer hunter meets, you know, this whodunit. Right.

It's really depressing Pennsylvania footage. Yeah, it is deer hunter. Jesus. Yeah. Let's do a little business. Oh, I like this story. You grab this story. I'm glad you did. All right. Starbucks barista, Josie Morales. New hero, new hero of mine. He got an order for an outrageous drink that included ready five bananas, caramel drizzle, heavy cream, and extra whipped cream.

That guy's going to have some diarrhea. And seven pumps of dark caramel sauce. As a joke, Morales posted a picture of the drink and recipe in a now deleted Twitter post with the caption, on today's episode of Why I Want to Quit My Job. On today's episode of Why I Want to Quit My Job. I am with you, Josie. So the post went viral soon after customers across the country were ordering the drink, reportedly driving Starbucks baristas crazy. In an interview a short time later, Morales revealed that he had been fired from Starbucks for violating the company's social media policy. I mean, I guess the firing is justified. You can't do that stuff. But I love

that that guy put that on there because I've told you it drives me crazy how slow, but also, so we're living in Los Angeles, which bar none is the most self-involved, the city with the most self-involved people. It's on, even if it's healthy, it's self, self, self, the stairs, the workouts, the diet fads, the fucking everything, goat yoga, whatever it is. Me yoga. Meditate. Me, me, me, me, me. It's the me. It just should be called me.

Los Angeles should be changed to me. That's all this fucking city is. Yeah, but I would say that. What about all the people that won't take the vaccination, that won't wear masks? Isn't that also me? What about my ability to breathe better? What about my ability to breathe better? What about my worry that the that that this vaccine is going to hurt me in the future as opposed to, hey, let's all take it and then nobody dies? No, of course. And that's everywhere. I'm not saying there aren't selfish people everywhere, but like only this city has an industry which not only are they paid like really well when they work, but they also demand awards. Right.

And, and please figure out in the pandemic how to not cancel our award show. So we get our ribbons and shit, you fucking assholes. So anyway, the Starbucks, I mean, the orders that you hear, and I guess it's everywhere,

but in Los Angeles, I have to believe it's more special. you hear, and I guess it's everywhere, but in Los Angeles, I have to believe it's more special. It's the most high maintenance tailored orders at the expense of 14 people who have piled up behind them to get a coffee. And my favorite person in one of these Starbucks was a manager. It was the best. All of a sudden she just comes out. She's seeing all the milkshakes being made, the unbelievable amount of milkshakes with caramel drizzle and all the bullshit. And she's seeing all the milkshakes being made the unbelievable amount of milkshakes with caramel drizzle and all the bullshit and she's like does anybody just want a coffee and she got an applause break and she formed a separate line i love that i've i've been saying that for years

why don't they have a separate coffee line it's not baskin robbins it's a fucking coffee shop yes and by the way you'll even help it's kind of like paying for a commuter lane you'll even help the milkshake people because their line's going to get shorter because you're pulling coffee people out of the line the worst is like i i would pick up my daughter from starbucks a lot after school and there would be all these high school kids getting these extra large, whatever, is it the Venti? What's the biggest one? Venti. Yeah, they'd be getting these Venti frozen drinks with white whipped cream.

They're like fucking $6.50. These kids are getting one every day. That's $1,500 a year in coffee drinks. Yeah. It's crazy. It's more than that, actually, I think. So there's a drive-thru on Lincoln, like not far from me.

And I remember once, I forget what it was, like maybe my kid was asleep in the back. So like, and I needed a coffee desperately, but I couldn't leave the parked car with a sleeping kid in it so I go on the drive-thru line last time I ever did it and it took for fucking ever and of course there's a minivan in front of me and then the order's placed they pull up and I'm like all right I can't wait I not only can't wait to see what drink is handed out I want to see the arm that grabs it.

Sure enough, it looked like a padded fat arm. You know how a baby has a crease in its wrist because it's so fucking blubbery and fat and soft? That's what this arm came out to grab what can only be described as Dairy Queen drinks that were passed out through the Starbucks window. Right, right. Oh, my God. Good luck.

I'm guessing that person's dead by now because of the way they, the shit they put in their body. But holy fuck, it took forever. I had a listener write in that she was no longer going to listen to the show because of my disgust with fat people. And I don't know.

I don't mean to be disgusted by it. I mean, Chris Denman is, would you say obese? What are we talking about? He's fat-headed. He's fat-headed. Yeah. But I'm talking, that's on the inside where I like to criticize him. I don't like Chris.

No, by the way. He just wrote down he's 6'3", 260 pounds. That's not obese. 260 is obese, right? 6'3", and he's a muscular guy. First of all, I only see Chris's face. He has a very good-looking head on him. Jesus Christ, Mike.

No, he's a good-looking guy. What's that Christ, Mike. No, he's a good looking guy. What's that all about? That's sexual harassment. He works for us. Post his face on our website. Aren't there things where people judge people? I guess it's called Bumble. But I mean, aren't there people where they rate it like yay or nay or hot or not? Chris would

get a hot. He just wrote, I do yoga, Mike. Yeah. Alright, now I'm done. He's a pig. He's a disgusting pig. right now i'm done he's a pig he's a disgusting pig i can see him in a fat child's pose um okay to be clear i am not shaming people all people with weight problems i'm shaming gluttony and is it wrong to shame gluttony all of a sudden? Yeah, I know. Okay, you have a weight problem. Maybe don't get a banana split in a cup, you know,

every day. How about that? Or, you know, if you're gonna... Yeah, I don't know. It's almost like, do you want to... If you're that overweight... I just got a text. I've been cancelled. So there you go. I'm cancelled. The fat army came after me. Do you want to be seen ordering the drink, or

do you want to just do it shamefully, quietly in your house? That's the question. Yeah, why don't you fucking, you've got your sixth motor in your blender because of all the ice and bananas and chocolate you jam in there? Why don't you put that to work? Alright, also in business this week. Let's take a look at... Maybe I'm jealous maybe i'm don't treat myself to to a nice sweet drink enough i'm there just give me the fucking black coffee so i can get out with

my miserable life yeah black coffee is the sign of a miserable life that's the person that won't enjoy at all i don't deserve more yeah give it the cold you know what finish. I don't deserve more. Yeah. Give it the cold. You know what? Finish the pot. Don't make a new pot for me. In fact, get the old pot out of the sink if there's still some in there that you poured out. I literally will walk into, if there's a deli and a Starbucks in New York

City, I'll walk into the deli and I'll get some deli coffee. I don't give a shit. Whatever it is, I'll drink it. I mean, would I prefer Pete's? Love Pete's. I don't give a shit. Whatever it is, I'll drink it. I mean, would I prefer Pete's? Love Pete's. I don't get hung up if I can't get it. So I told you, I quit coffee successfully.

Oh, yeah. Congratulations. I had it one time since, and it was joyous. But I made sure not to have it on any surrounding days because I want to keep that alive for special times. But I was really jonesing for it the other day, and so I had a tea. Tea is just awful. Yeah, it's terrible. And I know it's a funny joke in that HBO series. I know the Apple series.

Soccer coach, what's his name? And he's like, it's a running joke in that series, and it's very funny. He's like, it's mud. It tastes like mud. Yeah. Ted Lasso, yeah. Denman's on it today. Yeah, it's a running joke in that series, and it's very funny. Like, he's like, it's mud. It tastes like mud. Yeah. Ted Lasso, yeah. Denman's on it today. Yeah, he's doing good.

Typing with those overstuffed sausage fingers, but he's getting it done. He maybe has a large keyboard. Yeah, no, when he pushes G, you also get F and H next to it. We know how to read the code. So we know how to read the code. Bitcoin is down to 43 cents. It was, yeah, 43 cents. No.

Yeah. And wait, no, $43,000? Yeah, that's what it's at. Yeah. I know. I think it might even be lower. It was down to 38 at one point. Yeah, that's what it's at. I'm just going to agree.

But it's down. Dogecoin is at, or Dogecoin is at $0.35. Think Doge. But let's go to the Investopedia contest. We never named it. But why don't we name things and have stings and stuff? I think it takes work and dedication. I think it takes work and dedication. The leader right now is A.J. Muley.

He's got 199,000. He's a new leader. He's never been a leader before. What did he do? He's up to win the $100 on July 4th. Oh, geez. I better get started. Back at the bottom, Fitter 111 at $21,000. I have pulled ahead of Mike Gibbons, or I should say he's fallen behind me.

I am. I have 94,000. Gibbs has 89,000. Yeah. His daughter, who had been doing great, is now tied with you at 89,000. She copied me and bought AMC, though, and that had quite a good week. But she also copied me and bought AMC, though, and that had quite a good week. But she also copied me and bought GME, and that is a shit show. They say the airlines are a good buy, but they haven't really done that well.

But I'm hanging on to my airline stocks. Not American, which is going to go out of business, but Delta and Alaska are both good buys. Hmm. And America is goodbye. Craig Kilbourne's in it. He's still got $100,000. I don't know if he's working it or not. He's hanging in there tight. This day in history.

Oh, boy. oh boy uh on may 30th 1806 future president andrew jackson kills a man who accused him of cheating on a horse race bet and then insulted his wife rachel huh contemporaries describe jackson who had already served in tennessee's senate and was practicing law at the time of the duel as argumentative, physically violent, and fond of dueling to solve conflicts. They say he was anywhere from five to a hundred other duels. That's quite a range. Yeah.

That's kind of like our stats on this podcast. Was it five? It might have been a hundred. On May 30th, 1806,son and dickinson met at harrison mills on the red river in logan kentucky at the first signal from their seconds dickinson fired jackson received dickinson's first bullet in the chest next to his heart jackson put his hand over the wound to staunch the flow of blood and stayed standing long enough to fire his gun. Dickinson's seconds claimed Jackson's first shot misfired, which would have meant the duel was over. But in a breach of

etiquette, Jackson re-cocked the gun and shot again, this time killing his opponent. Although Jackson recovered, he suffered chronic pain from the wound for the rest of his life. He was not prosecuted for the murder, and the duel had very little effect on his successful campaign for presidency in 1829. I don't know how you get shot in the chest with blood coming out by a river in Kentucky in 18 whatever and live. Not to mention those weren't small bullets. Jesus, 1806. Not even 18-whatever. 1806. Yeah, right, right.

And those bullets were like giant fucking hunks of steel. Jesus. They say that those guns back in 1806 were so bad, there was a decent chance the gun was going to blow up in your face when you shot it. Oh, man. And they were not—the whole thing about duels, in your face when you shot it. Oh, man. And they were not,

the whole thing about duels, and I know this from reading the biography of Hamilton, which was made into the show, is you rarely shot the person in a duel, which is why he probably had 100 duels. You generally shot in the air

and you both restored your, you know, dignity or your reputation and you shook hands and walked away. It was very rare to actually shoot the person. That's weird. Well, they say Hamilton purposely didn't shoot Burr, you know? Yeah. I don't know though. Did you see Hamilton? I don't know though. Did you see Hamilton? I did.

I saw it out here in Los Angeles. How was it? It was fantastic. Yeah. It was not as good as Book of Mormon, but it was very good. It was very, you know what it was?

If you had a, if you had a really, you only had a sentence, a short, short sentence to sum it up for someone. It's Eminem meets history. Yeah. It's M&M meets history. Yeah. It's so M&M, I have to say. It's very M&M.

Yeah, I saw it on. And there's obviously reference. There's a lot. You can find them online. There's a lot of reference. There's a lot of websites that show the allusions and the references that he makes to Biggie, to everybody.

Um, and all, you know, the word play, but that style though is very Eminem. I felt. Yeah. I just saw a very cool,

uh, Tik TOK post where somebody broke down the, uh, the rhyme scheme and an Eminem song. And it's fucking complex. It's insane how many, like how many of his verses rhyme mid verse to the third, to the next. It's really,

uh, they color coded the rhyme scheme to show which ones were, uh, you search for it. It's really cool. But I like the new law that it ushered in where it's, um, only black people can play historical white people now.

I think that's cool. That's a law in Hollywood. I don't know if anyone's heard. Let's do Ask Amy. I like it this week. You know, I forgot about this little gem. All right, hold on. Let me pretend I have reading glasses.

Here we go. Dear Amy, recently my oldest—oh, hold on. Let me pretend I have reading glasses. Here we go. Dear Amy, recently my oldest daughter had a 15th birthday party sleepover weekend. Oh, boy. Her best friend, as well as my nieces and nephews, spent the weekend celebrating with her at our home. Sunday morning around 2 a.m., my husband woke me up to tell me that he had been spying on the little girls. No. My husband woke me up to tell me that he caught my 15-year-old nephew having sex with my daughter's best friend on my living room couch. Hey, now.

I was grumpy at the time and not in the mood for a high five, so I told my husband to hit the fucking. No, no. So, uh, the having sex with the best friend on the living room couch, parentheses, sadly unprotected. Jesus, how close did she get? Yeah, no, this is the husband saw this. I immediately called the girl's mother and alerted her and brought the girl home. Same with my nephew. Now my daughter is worried that her friend's mom won't let them stay friends because this happened in my house. I'm sick with guilt. I feel responsible as the adult, and I feel terrible because my daughter has a hard time connecting with new people,

and this will most likely set her back. Connecting with nude people? Sounds like she did. Understandably, the girl's mother was furious and hasn't responded to my calls and text messages to touch base and make sure everyone is okay. I'm not sure what my next step in all this is. Signed, which is kind of funny, buying a new couch.

Oh, shit. Next step, call U-Haul, get on Zillow, get the fuck out of whatever town you're in because you blew it. So, understandably, the girl's mother was furious. Understandably, the slut's mother was furious. I mean, why is it all... Isn't that shortchanging the girl and her power to consent and that she was into that?

Exactly. Isn't she partly responsible? You're just going to view your daughter as a victim? Right, right. I don't get it. That's exactly right. All right, but what was the advice she asked what do you do what's the next step she said well what about the nephew um he didn't get in shit doesn't sound like he

got in trouble she doesn't mention anything about that yeah i don't know well Well, I got to think, I always think of that movie with Brooke Shields. I think it was called Endless Love, where she loses her virginity. And she is on the couch, and she's about 16. And she's getting fucking hammered on the couch by another teenage boy. And the mother is at the top of the stairs and sees what's going on and smiles. And it's like a beautiful moment where her daughter is losing her virginity. Yeah, those are different times. Also, wasn't that a period piece, so to speak?

Wasn't that like set further back in time? No. Really? I don't think so. What was that? That was another. Whoa. Oh, that was another thing she was in, I think.

Pretty Baby, I think, where she played. Yes. Yeah. I think that one I'm thinking of. Yeah. Now, this was like a modern suburban girl is a virginity. And Brooke Shields, as a young teenager, did sex scenes, her Calvin Klein ads where she's wearing fucking underwear. She was seriously fucking exploited as a child.

Totally. And it's very bizarre. And it's a little like the Britney Spears, just the sexualizing this 15-year-old where they're literally making a 15-year-old a sex object. Well, look how many of these Disney stars, including Britney, go on to become sexy pop stars, Miley Cyrus, all of them. They all get very provocative because they're trying to shed that image. Yeah, luckily Miley Cyrus developed a voice that sounds like a drunk man. So it sort of took the sexy edges.

Yeah, I'm not on board. I'm not on the Miley Cyrus board. Yeah. All right, let's get to some letters to the editor here. Oh, okay. Joanne has a crush on us. She does? Yeah.

But wait, both of us? These guys. I really seem to have a crush on these guys. Okay. Fred says, love the Sunday papers as well as Fitz Dog Radio and listen to both regularly. With Mike complaining multiple times per show about how tired he is and how slow he is at this time of the day.

Have you considered moving the podcast to later on Saturday so he can be more well rested? Mike, your response. Fred's right. So if you notice, I didn't mention it today and I'm firing on all pistons. I should not bring that up. What the hell? Why would I invite the listeners here to complain to them that I'm bothered, basically? So I'm not doing it anymore.

Fred's right. And you took Adderall this morning. I also do, and I'm going to cure it with drugs. Note taken, Fred. Mike no longer drinks coffee, but he ingests stimulants. Not a problem. Not a problem. And shitty tea.

Bruce Weiss said this. Tea is bitter. Bruce Weiss says there's nothing like a long, leisurely weekend walk, dog walk, and listening to the Sunday Papers podcast while I do it means I don't even get aggravated when I have to stop every 10 feet because someone needs to examine another spot. What are you saying? He's saying dog walks can be annoying without our voices in his ears. A few details you missed on your Oregon counties

moving to Idaho commentary. It will never happen. These counties are some of Oregon's leading marijuana and hemp CBD producers. It's legal in Oregon, not in Idaho. I don't think any city, county, or state government is ready to give up that tax revenue just to appease a few malcontented rednecks

racist yeah okay alright a fun fact Ontario is where the Orida potato company got started massive weed sales and the home of the tater tot

I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave it up to the professionals. Good work, Bruce. I love when people give us the premise, and they go, hey, hey, I'll leave it up to you. Okay, let me just sharpen my pencil and get to work, Bruce. Wow, so the Idaho Potato Company, that's what he's pointing out, is technically in Oregon.

That's weird. Idaho doesn't even have that. They can't even gerrymander a potato city on the border. Right, right. Yeah. Fascinating. Finally, Bob Corey says, love Sunday papers, also love whose line is it anyway? How has the similarity between Mike and Ryan not been addressed yet?

I'm supposed to know who Ryan is? Is he the tall one? Yeah, he's a tall guy who looks exactly like you. Ryan, what's the last name, Chris? Is he American or British? No, he's American. He goes out on the road with Greg Proops, and they do...

Who's Canadian? Is he Canadian? Ryan Stiles. Oh, all right. I've heard good things about him. Is he... Oh, he's fucking fantastic. He's really great.

I'll take it. Good. No obituaries this week. Nobody died of any significance this week. Oh, boy, are we going to get letters? Yeah. Point them out to me. Let me know who died of significance.

Okay. Let's do some Sunday funnies. This is how we rent it out. This is it. Lockhorns. Lockhorns. Oh, I love my lockhorns. Let's see. Leroy shows up at a woman's door.

She answers the door in a tangerine top, tits busting out of it, matching orange shoes. He says, excuse me, i couldn't help noticing that your welcome mat was out and she just looks at him like uh is this a rape or what's happening exactly sir why are you fucking knocking on my door it's a good opener uh my buddy you know ruby so ruby had this uh cousin who was exceptionally good with the ladies. He's a good looking guy, but he was just, you know, one of those attractions that people have, and it doesn't even matter if it's romantic,

but you're just drawn, that they have a genuine love of themselves. You know what I mean? Like they just really liked themselves. Anyway, he had that charm about him. And so he had told me about this. I'm like, all right, so that'll be interesting tonight. Well, it didn't, we didn't have to wait till night.

We're all on the beach and there's this smoking hot, uh, girl sunbathing alone, like on a blanket, the kind that you and me and everyone like point to and do nothing about like, Oh my God. Like, look, even when we were senior, you were single. like, Oh my God, look at her. Can you imagine what's what, you know, what's her like, blah, blah, blah. He goes over, he goes over with his beer. He finds the sun so that he puts his shadow on her face, which kind of startles her. Like what's this? And she like, you know, screens her eyes and looks up and he's like, Oh, I'm sorry. Am I in your son? And that there's no one within 50 feet like and that was his and then he's sitting down and they're chatting away there is a guy on tiktok and you got to follow this guy his name is steven uh i want to say schwartz and he i'm going to look

it up right now because he's so fucking good. He hits on women. What's that? Does he have Tourette's? Yes, he has Tourette's. Oh, yeah, man. He is so goddamn funny. And he approaches women. He gets their numbers.

And he's not a good looking guy. He's literally an average looking guy with kind of a cheesy mustache. And he has the greatest pickup lines he's just so fucking confident that it blows women away and they just give them they give them their number and a lot of times he he calls the number immediately to see if it's real and it's always real and there's some of the most beautiful women i think he goes to state it goes to school at arizona state university now that i'm on that I'm on TikTok, how does that work? Can you send me, like, I guess DM me or whatever? Message me?

Yeah, I can message you. All right. Is it Stephen Schwartz? Yeah, I'll have to find it. Maybe it's not Stephen Schwartz. Fuck. Anyway, all right. Let's do a little hagar the horrible first frame hagar pointing up i'm here to save you rapunzel second frame is the tower

rapunzel's up in it and uh hagar's two buddies are putting him on their shoulders to try to get him up to the tower. And she said, I should never have cut my hair. No, no, Rapunzel, you just saved yourself from rape. Do you think these three idiots are struggling to get up there to save you? What is the meaning of this? What is her thinking? Well, you know the whole... It's just a joke that there's no Rapunzel if she had cut her hair. There's no story.

Well, she would have been saved if she hadn't cut her hair, but it doesn't really jibe with the narrative that Hager and his friends, they rape. Also, can't she get down? It's as simple as what MC Bueno did. You just got to hold on and then drop down. That's right. Yeah. Stay up there. A little family circus. Great one this week. It's so solid. I found it, you know, it's today's family circus. This is the one in all the papers today. I guess it has the date on it.

Saturday, of course, 529. So you see a mom looking really tired in bed and the little kids are waking her up. So there's a little the little bald baby and then the shitty son with the red hair. Billy. Like it's Billy sitting. Yeah. He's like kneeling right behind her head. And he's like has his head hand on her head. And they're annoyingly waking her up.

And you can see there's a little movement in their hands. And they go, Mommy, are we supposed to let you sleep in this morning or tomorrow morning? And that's your entertainment. That's all, folks. I don't know. That's kind of cute. That's funny. I mean, it's not their worst.

It's not the worst family circus. Right. I guess not. It just reeks of no effort. Oh, it's no effort. It took seconds. It probably happened. That probably happened that morning.

And he had to hand something in at 9 a.m. So he just goes, got it. Done. You know what would be an interesting thing to do is, uh, is take, take the artwork. So you take that picture and then you, um, write a lot of captions and you have people, maybe kind of like the New Yorker caption this, right? So it's like a meme. So you mean this thing, right? Or you get a lot of them. And then what you do is you list 50 and you put one of, you put Keen's real one in there or let's say 20 and you say, rank these 20 captions.

I'm telling you, Keen's would be number 20 in almost all of them and these don't have to be professional writers yeah I mean they do that with the New Yorker you know you caption their drawings which I always love but they don't have a real one

to compare it to were you wittier than this one yeah um wait i'm all right so uh it's so that's why i'm tired whoever that maybe we should do a contest should we do whatever our family circus is that week we should open it up to our listeners to submit their caption and we'll read the best ones the following week. All right. I'll work this week. This is what I'll say. I'll find a family circus and I'll write four captions and I'll include Keens and then I'll challenge you to it. But we could also put one on our website also. Okay. You mean ahead of time, right? Sure. Let's put one on our website and I'll write to it but we could also put one on our website also okay you mean ahead of time right sure put

yeah let's let's put one on our website and i'll write to it also okay why don't you guys tweet us if you're interested in exclusive patreon exclusive pattern patreon well i don't know what chris is writing oh um all right and, oh, that's sexy. Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at Blondie's outfit this week. Look at that second frame in all seriousness. Look at that second frame. This is like pornography.

And the first frame, Dagwood, this fucking zero that he is, is standing there. She lifts. She looks like she lifts. Yep. Yep. Yeah. He says, do you know what today is and she says it's the halfway point between thanksgiving last year and this year and he gets all excited she takes him by the arm and he goes wow you knew she says of course and i bet i

know what you'd like to have for dinner tonight he sits at the table a table that by the way she never sits at every fucking blondie cartoon is her standing and sir there is not mike is there another chair at that table chairs at the table there's no chairs at the table except for dagwitz and he goes the best part is it's only 182 and a half days until the real thanksgiving what mockery of fucking not deserving this woman is this cartoon she she is like i go to gold's gym and there are women like you said that work out with weights there's an asian woman i saw the other day and she wasn overly built, but she was right on the edge of being properly built. Oh, my God.

The definition. And Blondie blows her away. And on top of this, why is she cooking him Thanksgiving? He should be slaving over. I just want to be animated, Mike. I want them to let I want to get in there. Well, I am a little disappointed. On the Thanksgiving spread, which has a turkey, mashed potatoes, stuff.

Cranberry sauce. Okay, so including the turkey, there's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten plates. Ten. Ten serving plates. Yeah. Right? She's holding, 10 plates. 10. 10 serving plates. Yeah. Right? She's holding three. Yeah.

Which includes biscuits and everything. But on one of them is the canned cranberry sauce. I think he's underestimating. Wouldn't Blondie make a delicious, fresh cranberry sauce? Yeah, I think she would. Sorry to notice the details. She's a caterer. She's so good at cooking, she became a caterer

because Johnny Zero can't make enough money. He's such a fucking frozen middle manager with no effort. He sleeps at his desk, and then he sleeps on the couch at home. And what does she do? She fucking goes to the gym, shops, cooks, caters. Ugh. All right. Look aters. All right. Look at us.

All right, Mike. Look at us. We did it. So I'm going to put a family circus, what, on our website? Did you give the address? I don't know what our website address is. I think nobody goes to our website, so I think what they should do is... Yeah? What's the best? Yeah, I guess we should. So I think what they should do is, yeah.

Yeah? What's the best? Yeah, I guess we should. We'll put this week's Family Circus on the website. You can also go to the YouTube channel and look at it. And then you'd write the caption to us at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. We'll Instagram it as well. And then, oh, maybe, oh, he's saying we'll Instagram it,

and then they leave a comment with the caption underneath. Should we do that? Let's do it on your Instagram account, Mike, because I already have 8,000 things from here on there. Okay. What's your Instagram account? GibbonsTime, at GibbonsTime, G-I-B-B-O-N-S. All right, so you're going to have to follow at GibbonsTime. You're going to get a bunch of new followers this week.

Am I? I want everybody with Instagram to go to GibbonsTime and sign up, and let's see how many more followers you have next week than you have this week. And also, you're going to leave captions for Family Circus. The winner, the person we pick with the best caption, will get a Greg Fitzsimmons pin mailed to their house. That's a $10 value. Sounds like disincentive, but cool. Whatever.

Loser gets two pins. There you go. All right, listen. Maybe the pin is wrapped in a $10 bill. All right. You know, for protection. Yeah. All right, listen.

You guys have been great. Thanks for hanging out with us. We appreciate your support week in and week out. All of your input on the show. We appreciate our sponsors. Don't forget, if you want to support us, go to getsunday.com slash papers. Get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout.

We want to also thank Midcoast Media, the fine folks over there, Chris Denman, and the lovely and talented Beth Hoops, and Key, also, who does the editing. So we'll catch you guys next week. Should we do merch? Maybe people could write in. What kind of merch would they want? Yeah, you guys into t-shirts? If you guys are into t-shirts,

fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Let us know and we'll make some up. Maybe something subtle, you know, not something too loud or big or whatever. What about the thing over my shoulder that's framed? You'd want to put that image of you out there? That doesn't look like me at all no all right we'll get another one we have no it's a very cool logo don't get me wrong but it's

like to immortalize it in a t-shirt well we have 52 in one year we have 52 different logos that have been made artwork by people have they given up have they given up the rights to the copyright yeah we'll send them a few bucks we'll send them a pin oh here's a t-shirt lawsuit and they're made artwork by people. Have they given up the rights to the copyright? We'll send them a few bucks. We'll send them a pin and a t-shirt. Here comes the lawsuit. And they're going to play this back. They're going to quote this, that we recognized that we don't own the copyright. And when this blows up because of Family Circus, they're going to sue us for everything.

We'll probably sell about a dozen t-shirts. They can take it. So it's so easy to take everything okay yeah all right all right times i'll see you this week take it take it i get the news from a guy named greg i get the news from a guy named Greg. I get the news from a guy named Mike. I get the news from a couple of dudes who wouldn't know facts if it would save a life.

Greg hits his mark with a couple of comics. Mike makes a buck with a couple Greg and a broke Gibbons.