Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 66 6/6/21

Episode Date: June 6, 2021

Obama talks about UFO’s while a 9 yr old girl steals the family car. Listeners submit their own captions for Family Circus and fan mail from a Danish boarding school proves the show has a long reach!

Sunday, Sunday. Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike. Sunday, Sunday. Fuck yourself, go take a hike. Sunday, Sunday. We don't need no facts, we don't get it right. Sunday, Sunday. Blondie looks good, that ass looks tight. Read all about it! Read it! Learn it! Share it! Have something to talk about at brunch! It's the Sunday Papers! There. I can't believe those aren't scripted every week. Just off the top of my head. Just boom. That's how you do it? You just come up with brunch because Sunday?

I don't know how you made the leap to that. Okay. Do you remember having brunches? I remember being in my 20s in New York City and getting together for brunch at a sports bar with a bunch of friends. What was better than that? Then you finish up and you go to like the film forum and you see a foreign movie and you feel like a real New Yorker. No, I remember when you were a woman in the 90s. Hey now, come on.

And it was rosé all day. You were ahead of the curve. It is a very gay. Brunch has become a very gay thing, I think, because the gays don't have children. Well, they do now. Now they're giving them children. And but back then they had a lot of disposable income and time. Well, you know what the funny thing is, is calling someone gay. Right. When you when you're lightheartedly trying to criticize them. But, you know, especially among woke among woke woke gentlemen like us we would call

the gay like we'd be like uh well i don't know you know i'm gonna what are you doing tomorrow i don't know i think i might get up early work out and then like do a brunch and then maybe go see somebody from like oh gay what are you gay like you're right you're you're you're doing like cool things and taking care of yourself yeah right right i'm gonna spend i'm gonna spend over 12 on a haircut oh you gay um hey denman by the way you're on my you're on my screen denman can you take your your your video off of the video speaking of how do we get rid of them maybe it was a new york thing too you know, because I don't know. I mean,

this is very much stereotyping, but at least I guess it's positive, but so many gays just had their shit together. You know what I mean? And, uh, and, um,

we're doing like just really positive things. And of course it's kind of like criticizing kids who study, you know? Yeah. There is. I almost feel good about our choices i almost feel like that during the pandemic is like the people that tried the people that did shit like uh bo bo burnham doing an hour and a half long special that he lit shot edited produced himself that's apparently really fucking good like i feel like that's

pretty gay like we were all supposed to take the year off it's almost like in a in a car race if there's a crash and they wave the yellow flag no passing you're not allowed to accelerate i love that yep you told i love that uh that theory of yours i like that a lot yeah i feel like it was supposed to be a pause everybody yep it supposed to be a pause, everybody. Yep. It was a trust thing. We were trusting each other that nobody would jump ahead in the line. And I certainly kept my place.

I didn't push it at all. I think I fell behind. Is that, and that's probably not allowed. No, it is. I maybe pumped the brakes a little too much. Yeah, I really look, I look at this year and like I'm out doing stand-up again, and I have some new material. I've got like 20 minutes of new material.

I should have an hour and a half of new material. Hey, by the way, just a little feather in my cap, I was the first to put Bo Burnham on television. No shit. Yeah, Spike Ferriston and I. Spike Ferriston was a host of a late night show on Fox, which nobody saw. But, you know, we had our finger on the pulse

kind of, like, we were watching very eagerly for things that were popping online, especially young, you know, funny things. And Spike's from Boston area, and we found this kid in his bedroom who would do these songs. And we then booked him, and then we flew him out

and he had to come out with his mom and how old was he oh man this was in 2008 or 9 so someone can do the math so it was 12 13 years ago probably wow and we flew him out from Boston. He was still in high school. And put him on the air. Damn. Yeah. I don't think he had started stand-up at all. No, not yet. Stand-up was after he kind of popped, I think. It was all the home movies, basically.

Yeah. Says he's, this Chris, he's on it today. Says he's currently 30 years old, Bo you saw eighth grade yeah eighth grade was great i loved it yeah he uh i play golf with him me and bo i didn't know that yeah he's like a three handicap he's really fucking good wow all right He's getting more unlikable every minute. Wait a minute. You're playing golf now. Yeah, but playing golf and stinking is very likable. For a beginner, you're very good for a beginner.

The thing about you is you have really good focus and you keep it simple. You have such a compact, simple swing. You're not trying to do too much. It sounds like you're joking, but I am trying to do that. I'm trying to because I just know the variables are when things go wrong. Right. Whatever. We're not talking about golf. Let's talk about what's really going on tonight.

While we're recording this on Saturday, our daughters are going to the prom together tonight. Yes. Are they are they like each other's dates? As this airs, one of them or both might be pregnant tomorrow. So or as we're as you're hearing this, I guess, which is tomorrow. Well, they know they're going as yeah, I think, but that's a very popular pandemic thing. I think, I mean, I think it also is very popular in proms. Like a lot of groups of friends now go, it's happening with my niece over in Culver High. So, um, anyway, uh, but I think now do they have matching dresses? I hope not. Jojo, she bought one dress. She bought this one dress

and it was like the dress that molly ringwald wore in 16 candles it was like big flowing pink crazy prom dress from the 80s and i think she was thinking just you know she bought it vintage and she thought i think it would be fun and then she kind of bailed and went she didn't want to be you laughed at her she wanted to be well i didn't laugh at her but i think aaron might have said you know this isn't the kind of dress girls are wearing now. And so she got something a little more simple. But no, we're going to meet at the house, I think at 4, 4.30. Take some photos of them getting ready.

Yeah. Putting probably way too much makeup on. No chance of a Franken-Beans incident, like something about Mary. There's no Franken-Beans involved, hopefully the whole night. Right, right. But it'll be cute. I'm psyched. Yeah, it's very exciting.

So what, I'm arriving with flowers, right? Even though they're useless, Connor, they'll be in a vase there. I guess so. That'd be a nice touch. I think we're going to get a little champagne. Give him a glass of champagne. That's nice. You want me to pick that up?

No, I'll get it. I'll get it. Oh, no. We have some at home. We'll just chill it. All right. And then I think she's going to have a few people over after the prom also. So we got a table set up.

We're going to get ping pong balls. They can play beer pong. Nice. And yeah, see what happens. Glad it's that. I thought you were going a different way. All right. Who did you go to the prom with?

Interesting question. I went to a prom, but not at my school. I got kicked out. I was president of the student body at my boarding school, and then I got kicked out in March. And I got my degree and all that. But one of the, uh, parts of the deal was I couldn't come to the prom and I had organized a lot of it. We hired a band from 86th street that played in this bar that we liked in New York city. And we drove them all up there and stuff like that. So Dudley went with my prom date.

No. Yeah, and was productive. Nice, Duds. I'm talking about an 18, a 17 or 18-year-old girl. It feels weird now, but she was our age. Wait, so were you dating her at the time? No, not like kind of. Like we were going together before I got kicked out.

Like going to the prom together, in other words. But no, the prom would have been breakthrough territory. But then it was breakthrough territory for duds instead. Yes. Duds. Yeah. Swoop Duds. Yeah. Swooping in. Yeah.

But fine. There was zero, zero hard feelings. I'm glad it happened. Because we weren't an item. We weren't an item. Yeah. We were like flirty friends, and that would have been the culmination of it, I think. But I did go to a prom in New York City to Lady Gaga's school.

Sacred Heart, I think it's called. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went to a prom there, but just with a friend. Yeah. Yeah. I had my prom. You know, I went to a private school, but I hung out. All my friends were from Tarrytown.

So I brought a girl from Tarrytown to the prom because I didn't really socialize at my high school. So I brought this girl, Jeanette, who was voted best looking at the public high school. Oh, wow. And so I was stepping out. We got an eight ball of blow, went down to the city, went to Danceteria. Oh, my God. Yeah, Danceteria got home oh my god yeah danceteria with blow well no one was in there without blow at that time i don't think you were allowed in you had to show id and an eight ball to get in and that's in the church no that was the limelight

that's the limelight danceteria was the one with three floors jesus and they had different music on each floor compare that to our expectations of what our girls are going to do tonight. I know. I know. I mean, think about your story, how AIDS-adjacent it is, first of all. Yeah. With needles and sexual behavior. And I'm not talking about homosexual exclusive at all. And especially during that time.

I mean, you're talking about 85, right? 84. Oh, that's right. You were left back. Yeah. So are you kidding me? That's prime time. Prime time.

And nobody understood AIDS back then. Nobody knew how it was transmitted. And nobody knew that it was more gay than straight. All kinds of people were getting it. And for you listeners, we think we might be like talking about AIDS too much because we love it. New York. What's the equivalent? Like, well, I guess in a weird way, Corona a little bit. You have no idea what it was like to be in New York City in the 80s regarding AIDS.

It was terrifying. And so many people dying. I worked in a hospital at that time, and I delivered food to the rooms. And I used to have to- Are you serious, or did you create this backstory like Gatsby or something? No, I was a tray girl.

The position was called tray girl because no guy had ever done the job before. Oh, it wasn't because they got tagged by three patients in the hospital every night? They're too sick to do anything. So I used to have to go to the AIDS rooms, and they didn't even know what to call it back then. It wasn't called AIDS at first. It was called something else. And they had like a symbol up on the door. And if we saw that symbol, we had to put masks and gloves on.

And we would deliver food on a cardboard tray with disposable utensils because nobody wanted to catch anything. And the symbol, oddly enough, was just like a little cartoon drawing of Kevin Spacey's head. It was very ahead of its time. Nothing. Go ahead. No, I said the symbol was Kevin Spacey's smiling face. Why Kevin Spacey's head. What? It's very ahead of its time. Nothing. Go ahead. No, I said the symbol was Kevin Spacey's smiling face. Why Kevin Spacey? Well, I thought it would be a funny joke because no one knew he was gay yet, but it turns out he's a gay predator.

Is he? Yeah, I guess he is, huh? He's technically an accused. All right. I guess if a lawyer was whispering in my ear right now, I would say an alleged predator. Allegedly. Well, I went up to I was at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills with my wife and a couple other people. And we went up on the roof. There's there's a pool on the roof deck. And we walked up there. It was at like 10 o'clock at night.

And Spacey was sitting there with a busboy. He had the busboy kind of pinned against the lawn chair. We were like, hey now. I once, Pete Scott, hooked me up with World Series tickets. Atlanta, Yankees, or the playoffs. No, that's the World Series. Oh, my God, here come the letters. But we also went to the playoffs. but I think this was the World Series. And I'm then standing

in the parking lot, which was a special area with, you know, media laminates and stuff. And then Spacey was there. And I think he was like, what is like, do you know Spacey? And, but he was far away. And I'm like, no, he's like, oh, he's looking at you. And he was looking like right at me. But keep in mind, gays have never been attracted to this. So it was unusual. But I have to say, you do feel special because this movie star is staring at you. Sure. You know?

Yeah, absolutely. So I blew him. I was once flirting. By the way, he never even came close or talked to me or anything like that. I was once flirted. By the way, he never even came close or talked to me or anything like that. But I think that guy casts a wide net if he's looking at me in a parking lot in the Bronx. Yeah, what's his type?

Latino busboy and tall white dude? I don't know. I was wearing shorts and roller skates at the time, but I don't know what his type is. Speaking of which, how about our logo this week? We commemorate Gay Pride Month. Gordon McBride did a very nice graphic for us. Thank you, Gordon. Yeah, look at that. He made that about seven months ago,

and I had it sitting in the folder waiting for this month to happen. I was going to say, where have I seen that? Yeah, it was a while ago. And what is that? There's a lot of good motion on that. Well, there's... Is that like from a movie poster? No, it looks like he created it from scratch because it says COVID-19.

It's newspapers. It's a city made of news Sunday papers. And then I don't know who the two guys are rollerblading with the gay flags, but... Well, I think it's a mirror image. They're too similar, but he changed the color of the shorts. I think they're obviously the same photo. Look at the arms. Maybe.

Yeah. Yeah, so... It's really cool. The bar has been set pretty high by Gordon on this one. Also, the song from Mitch Robinson was very fun. Nice. Yeah, nice. I have to be honest.

I haven't heard it because you didn't play it. What, you want me to play it? No, everyone already heard it. I'm just going to say it was cool. It kind of had a little ska thing. Did it? I don't know. I don't know.

I shouldn't have been so specific. It sort of had a measured beat to timing. Think of the most generic way to describe music. People are still talking about two weeks ago. The one from... Oh, the punk? I mean, the metal? The Rob Dukes one, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that was strong. Super strong. If you want to send anything in, folks, we love your graphics. We put them up, as you know, every week. We have a different show logo and a different song. Those all get sent to FitzDawgRadio at gmail.com.

Love to hear from you. Thanks for listening, everybody. I don't think we say that enough. We do at the end. We do at the end. So for the people that don't get there, this experience, we've been doing it over a year now. We're not out of the pandemic, but in some part, it feels like a little bit here, don't you think? Yep.

Everything's packed now. Yeah, it's over. The comedy clubs are full and nobody's wearing masks. Well, they're going to be 100% full in a week, but right now they're about 70% or 80% full. Same amount of laughs for you, right? Well, that's about how much I draw anyway, so it's fine. There we go. But, you know, comics all hugging each other.

Love fest. It's nice. Hopefully something good comes out of this. Saw a lot of Marilyn Rice Cobb the last few nights. I've been running around doing shows. She's the best. She's so funny. So fucking funny.

I mean, I've said it a million times that when i first moved to la i was working with mr show and she and david cross were an item and that's how i kind of met her but really as a fan i mean i lived in new york and then i i that happened before i moved here then i moved here and i still was just a fan but she she'd go up in Largo, which was so the center of the alternative comedy scene. Ludlow in New York, Ludlow Street, and then here. On Fairfax. On Fairfax before it moved. And then so much so that the New York Times Magazine did a cover story on it.

Yeah. And she was part of that. But her stand-up was so experimental and unusual. Do you remember the bit she did? She gets up on stage, her awkward, usual self, and she starts doing these jokes, and like fat jokes about Elizabeth Taylor, who was still alive, and it was bombing. Yeah. And she just awkwardly would do them and like go through and then kind of was like surprised that like no laughs.

People were laughing at the awkwardness, but it was like kind of truly awkward. And she's like, it's so weird. That didn't work. Listen, and she presses play. And it was Joan Rivers doing verbatim what she had just said on Johnny Carson crushing. That's hilarious. Yeah. That's great.

She did word for word that act, which was on Johnny Carson not long before. Yeah. Her persona at Largo was so different. It was so fucking funny. Holy shit. She was always doing interesting things. And then there was the girls' guitar shit she was always doing interesting things and then there was the girls guitar club she did with karen kilgariff of my favorite murder in the pilot in

your pilot and that's right um in our pilot you were the director yeah kind of they gave they let us shoot in their offices on the weekend well are we ever gonna are we gonna release that it was if people don't know we're talking about in uh 1999 i pitched it was a plane pitch i got on a plane with jane lipsitz from uh she was a programmer at vh1 at the time and i i she i pitched her a show that i had. Actually, she said, we're looking for programming for the millennial, something for the year 2000. And so we start shooting the shit, and I go, what about like a time capsule where VH1 is compiling artifacts from the music world

because the president is launching a time capsule into space, and it's going to have stuff from history and it's going to have stuff from history. It's going to have stuff from politics. Thanks from sports and VH one's in charge of getting objects for the capsule from the music world. And so we got, Oh my God, Craig Anton was in it.

Dave Keckner, Zach is the best part was I wanted Zach to be my sidekick. A nobody, a nobody. A nobody. And so he comes in and he auditions and VH1 is like, absolutely not. This guy seems like he might be mentally ill. He's an energy suck.

Yeah. And he's dyslexic. So he couldn't read the lines. He got the lines wrong. Yeah. And so we kept fighting for him. We're like, no, this is the guy. He's perfect for this.

So then finally they gave in and they let us do it and we shot it. And it was, we shot it for so cheap. Where did we shoot? At the VH1 building? Yeah. And you have to be done Sunday because work's Monday. Right. We had the empty building for the weekend.

Yeah. No props, no furniture, nothing. The only thing we had was good music because it was VH1, so we could use any music we wanted. Oh, and Sugar Ray was in it. Mark McGrath. He was great. And so anyway, so the pilot doesn't get picked up.

And a month later, I'm reading the trades, Zach Galifianakis lands hosting job on VH1's new show, Late World with Zach. Yep. Oh, fuck. But boy, I mean, I remember that was the first time I think I experienced David Koechner. And, you know, I'm behind the camera and I am just watching him. And then I learned a trick, Troy Miller from Mr. Show Fame. Troy taught me, which is with comedians, always delay yelling cut.

Because that awkwardness, you wouldn't believe what comes out. But with Kekner, I have to say, if I didn't yell cut for two days, he would have stayed locked and just kept going. Yeah. And in inventive new ways. And I've heard other people, uh, talk about seeing him for the first time, like maybe on stage in Chicago and improv, but it was like, anyway, I know a lot of people like when we talk about, uh, inside comedy type things. Uh, well, this is one of the funnest stories to tell. And it's not, I already told it, but the funnest stories are when there is a truly gifted improv comedy actor and you are just floored. And the stories rarely can translate to how big it is.

And I remember Bradley Cooper once said this about Vince Vaughn. I guess he came out in Wedding Crashers, and there was a scene on the lawn, and he goes, and the director didn't yell cut, and he was just out there yelling. And the whole place was just mesmerized with what Vince Vaughn could come up with in that moment. Yeah, yeah. And Koechner, to me, I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

And it's like, you're really great at improv. Zach is amazing. This was like A-list improv things, and this guy came in, and it's kind of like stories I hear about Will Ferrell. Yeah. I remember you didn't yell cut, and there was one scene where he's pitching me the item. Well, that was the scene. He's pitching me an item and he's drunk and he used to be the security guard at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

and he stole the talking head suit. And he's trying to explain to me why I should get it. And you didn't yell cut, so he does his pitch and then there's silence and he just leans in and he goes, let's do this thing. And he puts his hand's silence and he just leans in and he goes let's do this thing and he puts his hand on my leg and he leans in it just kept on going and i'm just squirming he first of all he goes let's do this thing and i remember at that point i had already there had been an awkward bubble that he burst with that and i was fine and i was good if i didn't start laughing so hard i would have yelled cut and i didn't and yeah he's leaning in so close to you

and he's fighting like his breath is in there and he goes let's do this and then i can't yell cut because i'm laughing so hard and then he goes i'm lonely yeah that's right. I love me. That was the next thing he said after another pregnant pause where I didn't yell cut. That's right. Oh, he's the fucking greatest. Yeah. All right. Listen, Mike. Yeah.

Corrections. All right. Go ahead. I'm a big boy. I can take it. Go ahead. I don't know what they are. Well, Dan Goodman's coming hard at us.

Honestly, how misinformed and ignorant can you guys really be? And I'm expecting politics at this point. The largest drink at Starbucks is Trenta, not a fucking venti. You Mick Irish pieces of shit. Huh? It is Italian. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. I do know I was in Mexico City once for a job.

Anyway, I go over to Starbucks across the street, and even in there, and I've told this story before, but I'm like, I'm just like, please don't tell me you're medium. In Mexico, in a Spanish-speaking country, you're going to make these people call them medium agrande? Yeah. country, you're going to make these people call a medium a grande. And that was, you know, I know that's a, like everyone does that joke now, but it really was like a, Oh, just not here. Not at least mix it up when you're in a Spanish speaking country, when they say fucking grande. Yeah. Because I'll, you know, when Starbucks and this was early, this was, you know, really early, uh,

two thousands, you know, I would call it a large yeah you know when i went into starbucks i wasn't going to play their stupid game i won't play the game no but it's like it wasn't even on principle i didn't know like i'm not going to do your code were fun code words yeah all right whatever all right dj will said uh technical minutiae this time but guitarist gary holt has been in exodus since the 80s long before he was in slayer exodus is his primary group he did double duty in both bands for for years filling in for the deceased jeff hanneman till slayer's final show rob dukes is a former exodus singer not current generation kill is current group. That was the song we played last week. I'm glad we cleared

that up. Alright, cleared that up. This one is from Dane. Looks like you had a response to Dane. Love the podcast. I was listening while driving and I had to pull over to send this. Mike said, quote, it's too much of a coincidence that the one town where

this originated also has a chemical lab. This is literally how these conspiracies get proliferated. Major context missing here. Like, Wuhan is the ninth largest city in the world. New York ranks 12th. Wuhan has a population of 11 million. It's no town. Okay.

Go ahead. No, keep going. Just a reminder that this was only a claim, only largely made by the right to further demonize an adversary in China. These baseless claims have also led to a spike in Chinese-American hate crimes. Claims require evidence for rational

belief. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. Love the show. Dane. All right, Dane. Correct it on Wuhan being a town, although Chicago is my kind of town. New York City is a cool town, you dick. No, I'm kidding.

All right, so Dane, I didn't know Wuhan was that big, but I did look this up. I did not spend a lot of time. Newsweek, which I do trust. I trust Newsweek. Newsweek had an article this week that I think was rather fascinating. And they went into it about, OK, what's what? Yes, these were claims, by the way, you did say mostly the right or whatever. Interestingly enough, the right then flipped very quickly following Trump's lead that China's cool. And then it flipped back,

I think, calling it the Chinese disease. But at one point, there was some heat from the highest on the right to look into it. And then they quickly gave that up. But go find this Newsweek article, which is called How Amateur Sleuths Broke the Wuhan Lab Story and Embarrassed the Media. It's a really interesting article, and I'll just read this. The reason for the sudden shift in attitudes is clear. Over the weeks and months of the pandemic, the pileup of circumstantial evidence pointing to the Wuhan lab kept growing until it became too substantial to ignore. This is interesting.

This is why I trust Newsweek. None of this proves that the pandemic started in the Wuhan lab, of course. It's entirely possible that it did not. But the evidence assembled amounts to what prosecutors call probable cause, a strong evidence-based case for a full investigation. It's not clear that the best efforts of the U.S. and other nations to investigate the lab leak hypothesis will ever turn up unequivocal evidence one way or another, at least without the full cooperation of China, which is unlikely. This article goes into details. There have been such cover-ups and lies.

They said that they did find it in a mine, this bat, and that eight people got the flu and got very sick in this mine. And then they said they did bring that back to the lab, and then they lied and said, but then they did nothing with it after first exploring it. But they've uncovered these papers about the experiments with the virus. So anyway, read the article. I just think it's very interesting. And as I said last week, my whole hypothesis was if Biden is opening this up. Wait, is it true there were no Jews in the lab at the time? Well, some of their moms weren't Jewish, so technically they weren't Jewish.

All right. But anyway, I think there's something here. And it might have been a leak. It might have been an accidental leak. You have to just say, it's like this says, you have to have an investigation. There's enough evidence that it needs to be investigated. have to have an investigation there's enough evidence that it needs to be investigated uh it's there's not enough evidence that any fucking armchair bozo can start drawing conclusions yet there's no conclusions there's questions and and and i'm all for finding out whether or not it was

you know an accident in the lab obviously i don't think the chinese you know put it out there on purpose and killed their own people. I can't imagine that. But a lot of people believe that we're not going to get any info from China. So I don't know what the point of the investigation is. So I don't know that we'll ever know. I know it's one of those. I wonder if it'll be a great documentary, you know, down the road or.

Oh, yeah. When these scientists maybe get older and they start coughing up information, perhaps, you know, maybe we we get some of them here in America and they could speak freely if there is something going on. But listen, I don't think I was that off base. The lab that has the virus, that's where the outbreak was. And then they shut it down like nobody else. Yeah. I don't know. All that's true, Dane. So anyway, read this Newsweek article. And it's like Tom O'Neill's book. It's smart enough and it's truly journalism where they are very forthcoming with the shortcomings

and that they don't have a smoking gun. But like Tom O'Neill's book about Charles Manson and his ties to the CIA, there's so much evidence that I think a open-minded person would start to question things big time. And hey, everybody, no more hate crimes against Asian people. Seriously. God, it has nothing to do with that. You think the fucking poor people of China want this shit going on? So listen, Rick Schwartz from Brookline Mass said the movie you guys were thinking of was Tucker, The Man and His Dream.

Yes, it was. Apparently, of the 51, only 51 cars were produced, Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas each owned two. Huh. Ford Coppola and George Lucas each own two. Huh. Here's another guy who said also the largest Starbucks size is Trenta, which is 31 ounces. And the capital is Pierre, South Dakota. It sure is.

It sure is. Okay. I love that one. You know what I love? Uh-oh. I love when I can fucking kick back and make a meal without having to forage. I don't want to go to the grocery store and forage for ingredients. I always forget one, and then I'm confused about, you know,

did I do teaspoon or tablespoon? I don't know. I have ADD. I have vanilla at home, right? Welcome. Then it's rock solid. It's rock solid. Yeah, you're chiseling out your cinnamon. Hello Fresh cuts out all of it.

Don't even get me started. There's no problems when you get Hello Fresh. You don't need, forget the grocery store. You can get a dinner on the table in just 30 minutes. They even have these quick and easy meals, which take like 15 or 20 minutes. They got breakfast on the go. I mean, the thing is, I just had my buddy Pete staying over for like four days, and I knew we were going

to do a lot of stuff. So I ordered a HelloFresh meal for one of the nights. And that day, we went, we played paddle tennis, we went hiking. I didn't have to worry about collecting stuff. We got home. He wanted to be a good guest. He goes, let me make dinner. And I said, well, it's HelloFresh. And he said, well, hello, Greg. Jesus. Oh, I think the ad just got pulled with that one.

All right. So I got a box. I told you, right? Yeah, you did tell me. I've never gotten food service. I've never gotten meal kits. I've never done any of that. This thing was great. It's also great because you're not like nuking a pre-made meal or whatever right I'm not reading any copy here you cook but they have the everything kind of measured out for you but you have to chop like they didn't peel the carrots for you like it's not all pre-done so I just felt it was really fresh whole foods that they sent to you also. I did the beef and veggie.

I don't know how you'd pronounce it. Bibimbap? Bibimbap. Bibimbap? I think it's Korean. It's beef, zucchini, carrots, and jasmine rice. And even the rice, like no shorgi, boil it. You're not nuking it or anything.

And it was great. It's also something I would never make. You love eating jasmine right yes right who's she and then um they had monterey jack unfried chicken fantastic nice and you can sub because i have a celiac kid super fun doesn't make things complicated at all two sets of pans holding two toasters so, but you could sub in gluten-free breadcrumbs and stuff and kind of make the meals your own. The amazing thing is also it's 28% cheaper than shopping at the grocery store,

72% cheaper than a restaurant meal, and you're getting like better quality than you would get. So I would say take advantage of this now. go to hellofresh.com slash papers 12 and get and use code papers 1212 for 12 free meals including free that's is that really am i reading the right thing 12 free meals including free shipping um yeah Go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers12. Use code Papers12. Get the meals. It's unbelievable. It's America's number one meal kit.

All right. Should we get to the front page? I don't know. What are we, a half hour into this, bitch? 36 minutes. Oh, then we can wait. No, let's do it. Extra! Extra! We all love it!

Extra! That's not very loud at all. What was that? Is that soaking wet? That's better. Alright, front page. Japan moves forward with the Olympics despite COVID crisis and public doubts. As Tokyo marked 50 days until the start of the Summer Olympics, most of Japan is still under a COVID-19 state of emergency.

The chief Olympics organizer said the games that were supposed to be held last year cannot be postponed again. Okay, so who's this, a scientist? Oh, no, he's a chief postponed again. Okay. So who's this scientist? Oh no. He's a chief Olympics organizer. Yeah. I think he's from NBC. Anyway,

most infections and deaths are happening now compared to when Tokyo froze the games in March, 2020 Japan's top COVID-19 advisor said, it's not normal to hold the Olympic Games in a situation like this. It's not normal. Normally, when there's a pandemic and based on the other pandemics we've had, we didn't have the Olympics. A state of emergency has just been extended to June 20. It now blankets much of Japan, around 10,000 Olympic volunteers and 80,000.

Oh, sorry. Around 10,000 Olympic volunteers of the 80,000 have now quit. Oh, Jesus. So my take on it is, all right, imagine if you were an objective party like a judge coming in to hear this. It's like, okay, so to delay the Olympics, where the whole world is going to fly to a region in tight, tight quarters where there's so much intermingling that they have to hand out crazy amounts of condoms. Okay. So there's

also that, but it's all the airports. It's going to be an inundation from all over the world. They're all going to be in such a place. Then they're all, it's as if like, if you wanted to spread something, this is how you would do it. Then you're all, it's as if like, if you wanted to spread something, this is how you would do it. Then you're all going to get on planes and go home. Okay. And while you're there, you're going to breathe very heavy right next to each other for two weeks. Yeah. And exert yourselves and weaken and weaken your immune systems. And the living on nothing but sushi. And the second you're done fully exerting yourself, you're going to party like fucking crazy. Right.

Usually inside another person. So, or another person inside you. So, okay. Even if I'm that judge and I hear that, I'll be like, all right, but where's it going to take place? Oh, Asia. Right. Yeah. Okay.

You know what? Do it. Sure. Yeah. Why not? I think? Do it. Sure. Yeah. Why not? I think Japan literally has a red flag. In a place that's in an emergency. Yeah. It's literally a red flag.

It's a petri dish. That's what that circle is. And it's completely on fire. I don't think they're going to have to, they're not going to be able to do the full event. Instead of the triple jump, it'll be the double jump. The baton? You just have to throw the baton to the person waiting for it? Don't both touch it at the same time. Right. You're going to swim with masks on?

Imagine you being a wrestler. Oh, yeah. You literally are basically making love to the person. Right. Right. And, but way more intense usually. All right.

So what's the under over on people catching COVID at the Olympics? Should we, should we guess right now? Well, what's the over under on it happening? I don't think it's going to happen. Really? And didn't St.

Louis man, Bob Costas expressed out. I think we talked about this last week. Maybe a little. Yeah. Oh, he got in trouble for saying that. Really? And didn't St. Louis man Bob Costas express doubt? No kidding. I think we talked about this last week maybe a little, yeah. Oh, he got in trouble for saying that, I think. No, we were going to talk about, we talked about Bob Costas with Chris, who's from St. Louis, after the podcast last week. And we said, let's talk about him next week.

I love Costas. I love Costas. I told you my dad was friends with him, right? Yep. Yeah, he's a- I've worked with him like very minor, but on just comedy shows. Oh, so one thing we did

really cool, Kilbourne was, you know, quite goofy and bored with late night way before anyone was. And Kilbourne, Costas came on and we challenged him,

can you sneak this, sneak this phrase into one of your broadcasts? It's kind of like a thing that Kimmel then started to do, but we were doing it first. And I'm not saying Kimmel stole it at all, but it's a fun thing to do, and we weren't first.

So we gave him, we wanted it to be kind of conspicuous, so we gave him, oh, that's restaurant-quality lemonade. And he did it! That's amazing! He snuck that into sports commentary that's amazing yes oh god um he's great and and he's very independent minded norm also norm mcdonald had a really good story about him um norm had this bet so there was a famous and people will know what it is there was a famous, and people will know what it is, there was a famous Mets game, and they were like down by one or whatever, and a guy hit a dinger to win the game, the last at bat. And there were like two men on, let's say.

So they won, but the guy who hit the home run was mobbed and never made it to home plate. And there was an over-under on that game of how many, and the over would have won if he touched home plate. Oh, no shit. It's a very famous bad beat story. I might have some of the numbers wrong, but that's generally the story. And Norm goes, Costas mentioned that.

And sportscasters are supposed to play that they are absolutely unaware of who was, you know, the Vegas favorite and especially an over under bet. But he, all he said was, well, that'll come to play. And apparently, and I don't know if this is true, so I hesitate saying it, but I believe Costas, his dad might've had a gambling problem. But I believe Costas' dad might have had a gambling problem. And I think Costas is more aware than most of how sports is for gamblers.

Huh. Yeah. Wow. But he mentioned that during that broadcast, I believe. That it's going to affect people very significantly that that guy didn't get to home plate. Yeah. Huh? Yeah.

All right. So I don't know. You think it's going to happen in the Olympics? I think it is going to happen. I think that there's, there's, there's fatigue of this disease. I don't know how, I don't know how it is in Japan though.

It sounds like it's not going well there. Yeah. What do you mean? That's all we just read yeah i'm not i'm not just picking on an asian city like uh just to be racist i which i'm is not beneath me but i'm just above me i'm not beneath that i'll get it right but i it is a hot spot what are you talking about yeah okay i wonder what the rates are. Chris, why don't you look up what the rates are in Japan right now while I read this next? I know, read the Obama one. Proof of aliens will lead to new religions and massive military spending,

says Barack Obama. The former U.S. president, actually he was on with my boy, James Corden, the former U.S. president in that interview said that proof of aliens would likely result in the emergence of new religions. And there would be calls for huge sums of money to be spent on weapons systems so we can defend ourselves from possible attack. It's an interesting conversation because I guess that week, last week, the U.S. officially stated for the first time that in no way were those U.S. ships, that the unidentified objects were not like super advanced U.S. vessels that America was keeping secret. So they are truly unidentified objects, right? Yeah, I think they have a new phrase for it now. I forget what it is. But one of the reasons I did it was the first comment left by a reader of this article was,

here's the comment, I treat UFO sightings the same way I observed Obama's birth certificate. I'll believe it when I see a real one. Wow. Wow. How do you read comments? I mean, that's unbelievable. They're the best. Yeah.

I think that they should, you know, I don't know about the government doing this. I think we should just privatize it. Privatize the weapon systems like Ghostbusters. Remember the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Ghostbusters. We can handle that. R&D. Yeah, exactly. Do you think there'd be new religions?

I think we need one. I think we're all sick of the ones that are around right now, and they're not really like currents. Don't we already have the perfect religion in place for alien spacecraft? It's called Scientology. That's right. With Scientology, did we get born out of the side of a volcano, or was that the Mormons?

No, no. I think it's Scientology. No, they dropped it. They came down. The thetans and everything. I don't have all this right. I think they dropped spores into the side of a volcano and then it erupted and then we were born out of that. Yeah, I didn't take advanced science classes in college, but I think it's they dropped the souls into a volcano and then they emerged or something.

Yeah, right. Um, but I actually, a fair question is, do you think it would change religions? Because you and I were trying, they try to indoctrinate us in the Catholic church, right? Yeah. Um, no science. The Bible has been disproven by science in more ways than you can count. And it has not swayed any of them. Right. What, what is, why does Obama think now, uh, you know, that we have rocks that are 30 million years old and obviously what, 300, however old rocks are like, it's infinitely older than the Bible says, you know, when the universe was created.

So, and a million, I mean, don't even get me started on Noah's Ark. So, like, it doesn't matter to them. Why does Obama think this would change that? No, I don't think it would change them. I think it would take people that were non-religious and let them find a religion. I think they would suddenly say— I like that. Yeah, they're suddenly saying that there's extraterrestrials, that there's a life form that's probably smarter than us.

We should probably take—we should follow their lead. We should worship them. If they have a leader, I'll suck his dick because that's part of it. Yeah, that's universal. Can you imagine sucking an alien's dick? Literally, in the universe. You literally don't know what's going to happen when the alien comes. It could be... I do. He's going to fall

asleep on me. He doesn't want to talk. And you're going to be stuck with a mouth full of what tastes like watermelon? And then I feel cheap and disgusting and I have to find my way out of this guy's apartment. He leaves. In the dark. He doesn't leave his number.

He's just fucking spaceship just goes. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. The ego of religions, how do people not call it out? It's so egocentric. We're, we're the center of the universe, of course. And, and this, this unbelievable being who overlooks all of the universe. Um, he made us in his image. Oh, wow. God, we're the most important thing ever. Holy shit. Right. Even to God, we're the most important thing ever.

We're important, but not so important that the Bible has to constantly remind you that you should fear God and that you should respect God and you should have no other gods except for him. He's an insecure God. He's constantly. He's crazy insecure God. He's constantly... He's crazy insecure. Yeah. Kill anyone who even dares worship another one. That's right, except... Oh.

All right, listen, let's not... We're getting on a... God, you're a dick, and I know you can hear me. In Utah, police got quite a surprise when they found a nine-year-old girl driving a car with her four-year-old sister really hurting hold on i'm kidding that was god go ahead with her four-year-old sister in the passenger seat the sisters told officers they were heading

to california because they wanted to quote swim in the ocean i'm sorry that is the greatest most honest answer ever. Yes. Yes. It's kind of like, why did you rob the bank? Well, that's where the money is. Remember that old guy who had that famous line? Yeah.

All right, go ahead. They drove on two major roads, hit another car, and then crashed head-on into a truck. Utah's police department— Wait, this isn't the ocean. Because this isn't the ocean. Utah said the police department said the girls woke up at about 3 a.m. on Wednesday and took the Chevy Malibu while their parents were sleeping. That's where they got the idea. Malibu. They have a car called Malibu. Yeah.

Right. If it had been a Tahoe, they would have been heading up to Lake Tahoe. If it had been a Tahoe, they would have been heading up to Lake Tahoe. She drove a car about 10 miles before she hit another vehicle and crashed into the truck. She hit an Armada. See, we have a theme going on. All right, go ahead. When I was about that age, my mom left me in a parking lot.

This is so fucking crazy. Growing up in the 70s, people have no idea. mom left me in a parking lot this is so fucking crazy growing up in the 70s people have no idea she left me alone i was probably seven years old we had this beautiful mercury cougar you remember cougars it was like a horse it's like a 69 cougar fucking beautiful muscle car and so i was so excited i was sitting in it and i put it into drive and uh i smashed it into a car in front of me and i and i busted my lip open i so my my mom comes back to the car and of course the cougar was indented because the thing was made of fucking wrought iron and uh but there was a there was a big dent in the car in front of us and i had blood on my shirt and she just said move over got in the car and fucking hightailed it out of there so what does she tell your dad because there's a lot of guilty parties in this story

how do you think that conversation she's like what i cracked i cracked the window he was fine what's unbelievable is when you started telling that story, I'm like, I think Greg has taken one of my memories and made it his own. Mine was, which I didn't even think for the first couple of years, but yes, we were left alone in the car. He left my sister and I. So Laura and I were in the car,

and we were in maybe a mall parking lot, or like it was either a department store, but he had a run in real quick, but it was hot. So he left the car running. So he left the car running with his two children. Okay. That that's the part that didn't occur to me for years, but I got behind the seat and I put it and I think I lucked out. I was we were really young and I think I put it in neutral. But we started to roll backwards out of the parking spot and a bunch of people came and like stopped it. And I remember a guy like opening the door to put his foot on the brake. And then at that point, my dad then was flying flying running towards the car because he saw his car in the middle of the parking lanes with a crowd of people around it jesus yeah but we could have

been stolen so easily my um my daughter had this friend from summer camp and the girl is crazy she's like out of control kid the one you like never want your kid hanging out with hopefully hopefully her parents don't listen to the podcast and uh they went into her car we were in the restaurant the girls got bored and they said can we go sit in the car so they sat in her parents car and the girl had the keys and she did exactly this same fucking story she like put it into neutral but we happened to be at a restaurant you know that fish restaurant on the pch where they have like picnic tables and you stand in line to get your fish dinner the real inn the real inn right we were at the real inn yes and uh she the girl put the car into neutral and it started and we could see it and it started and it just started fucking rolling to the pch

backwards highway a highway treacherous highway like at the last second jojo leaned over and stopped the car i don't know if she hit the brake or she stuck it into park or whatever but it could have been disastrous oh god i mean a few more feet and it's a Caitlyn Jenner situation. Dead people on the PCH. Innocent dead people. But luckily you don't get charged for that. And luckily that story just kind of goes away. The key is you got to do something big.

You got to, what is it called, wag the dog? Sure. Hey, there's the real end. Look at that. Oh, yeah, there it is. If I ever totally fuck up, I may go transsexual. All right. Am I going to get shit for saying that?

You're going to get a pass on a lot of things. Well, I think the real thing there is you just got to be very rich. Yeah. I think a poor transsexual would have gone to jail or at least paid some sort of price. Well, Caitlyn Jenner did pay a price, but I'm talking about like a moral price. Yeah. Let's get to entertainment. Yeah, let's get to, uh, entertainment. Yeah. Let's get to entertainment.

Um, hold on. We got a letter from Andy Dugas. You guys talk about the shows you're watching. I don't think I've heard you talk about hacks. Gene smart plays an Asian comedian with a long-term Vegas residency who takes on a disgraced Gen Z

TV comedy writer played by Hannah Einbinder, Lorraine Newman's daughter. I read this letter and so I checked it out. Fucking great show. I've seen two I think I've seen two.

I think I've seen two episodes. It's a little cute. Don't you think it falls on the cute? I love Jean Smart. But doesn't it fall on the cute side a little? It's definitely cute. I think it's like Queen's Gambit. It's a light-hearted fare.

It does not have that edge. It does not have that edge. It does not have that edge. I would say. But comedy is harder than drama. I would say, though, when they, I think it works as a drama. Maybe I'm overselling it. I really liked it. Maybe because I'm a comedian.

Maybe because I fucking love Jean Smart and I love Lorraine Newman and her daughter. Like, she's got something. She's got like a real grit to her that's that's very genuine she's got an incredibly gifted funny mom she also has that yeah so but but the one the one thing that never works in these shows about stand-up comedians is when they actually start doing jokes they're like writing a joke about somebody who's gay in the closet and they're pitching each other joke bits. And it's like, he's been in the closet so long he has mothballs in his pockets. There's a staff of writers and they pitched on this joke and that's what they came up with.

I know, but wasn't that like one of the ones that were like, that's not good enough. So maybe they put it in there like under that guy. It's like, we can beat that. I don't know. Wouldn't the Mothballs be up his ass? I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be in that room either. Okay.

Chris Denman said, solid ratings on IMDb and Rotten Tomatoes. Oh, look at him. I didn't know IMDb was on the dark web. Oh, look at him. I didn't know IMDb was on the dark web. He also said that Japan has 2,700 plus new cases this past week. I don't know if that's a lot or a little. With a smiley face emoji?

Don't get me wrong. Yeah, don't get me wrong. It's more than I'm comfortable with, but I don't know if that's a lot or a little. Yeah. All right, skip this next story. Okay. Well, wait. Let's talk about Genie Smart for a minute.

So did you finish Mare of Easttown? Let's talk about what for a second? Mare of Easttown. Oh, yeah. I watched it. I didn't love the final episode. I found it a little anticlimactic. Well, I have a lot of problems with it, but I have so many problems with it,

I'm wondering if that means I think it's good because why would I invest so much energy in it? You know what I mean? It was really well done, but boy, the problem going on is people are confusing their love of Kate Winslet for their love of that character. The character was a piece of shit.

Yeah. I guess spoiler alerts. Maybe you should skip the next or we don't have to talk about it. But I mean, what she should be in jail. And everything's a spoiler, but she is really a incredibly selfish character that only does what works for her. Sometimes that means following the law. Almost all the time it meant not following protocol or the law or listening to her supervising, you know, a guy. Or planting drugs on somebody. Well, that's what I mean. She should flat out be in jail for that. Yeah. And that that sympathetic character, oh my God. And when she does the hardest thing in the world later, this is a drug addict, and actually puts her child first in such a selfless act.

Mare didn't even know how to react to it because it's so far in her. Like, I don't get that. You're not putting yourself first? I don't even know how to relate to you. I'm not going to give you a hug. I'm not going to mention that you're family, that we're always tied together because of this kid. And I'm not even going to put my hand on your fucking knee

as like a human gesture that you just did the hardest thing imaginable. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's such a great actress. And I think they gave her a very layered character. They gave her a very unlikable character, which because of her skills as an actress, she was able to make you watch week in and week out. And even though you're not

really pulling for her, you're sort of pulling for justice in this series. The list is so long, but every one is a spoiler, including the most likable character. I'll leave it at that. Then it's not a spoiler. The most likable character is killed. Mayor's fault. And then whatever. And then the ending, I guess we won't talk about the ending. All right.

Well, listen. But, boy, well done. And the true victim, of course, I might have said this last week, is the English language with that Philly accent. Have you seen How To with John Wilson? I've talked about it on here. Holy shit, I finally watched it. Did you see Scaffolding? Yes.

I love it. And it becomes a metaphor for all of us putting scaffolding around ourselves emotionally. He does that in such a subtle way. around ourselves emotionally. He does that in such a subtle way. And the pictures, the B-roll that supports his kind of philosophical VO. Now, did you watch the last one? No.

I got to see the last about the pandemic, right? It doesn't start out that way. No. All right. It's very good. It's one of the best things I saw. You know, there's a few things out there where you could see the pandemic started during it. Yeah. And I'm forgetting what those are.

But this was my favorite example of that. Like, how can art react to this pandemic and what happened? And it's great. Judd Apatow. I talked to Judd Apatow about it. He called the final episode a masterpiece. Yeah. I mean, we're building it up too much now because it really wasn't planned.

That's the thing. Right. So lower the bar a little, and then you'll think it's a masterpiece. We also have some breaking news from this great city of St. Louis. Their golden girl, Ellie Kemper, came under fire from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Came under fire over Memorial Day weekend after photos resurfaced online of her participating as a beauty queen in an organization that had historically excluded black and Jewish people. It's called the Denman Institute. Kemper was crowned. That's a joke.

The institute is called St. Louis. Oh, wait. There's a rich white problem in St. Louis? Yeah. Wait, they're racist and exclusionary? No. You see our big monument? You see the arch?

It's the gateway to the West. Stand on the other side of it. Yeah. East St. Louis, it's only one way. You can't come back in. Yeah. She was crowned the Veiled Prophet Queen of Love and Beauty at a 99 ball organized by the Veiled Prophet Organization, which has racist and elitist

origins according to civil right activists who frequently picketed the event in the 60s and 70s the then 19 year old kemper's association with the organization a group consisting of wealthy white elites co-founded in 1878 by a former confeder that excluded black and Jewish people until 1979. Shocked many on Twitter and was a trending topic. By the way, way longer than that. Go ahead. Yeah. By the way, they say it's a veil, but it's really more like it's a hood.

It's a hood. Yeah. It's a see-through hood. Barely see-through. Yeah. They still have a little shame, just for nostalgia. They have a little bit of shame. They hide a little bit.

Wow. Such a sweet girl, too. Well, that's my stepmother, Mary Institute. That's where she went. And these elitist high schools in St. Louis, holy shit, do they take them seriously. Will this hurt? They bring that up before college.

Will this hurt Ellie Kemper? I don't know. Wasn't she young and not really knowing what was going on and they dug this up? It's resurfaced before, but now, you know, like everything, everything's getting reexamined now. She was 19 years old, so I think they may cut her a little bit of slack.

She was 19. Clearly desperate. I think only, I mean, desperate might not be the wrong word, but like intensely ambitious. Anyone who's made it as an actor or actress, generally speaking, unless they got very, very lucky. But even these people need to get lucky. Are essentially willing to sell their soul. We'll do anything. We'll do, and I'm talking about positive things also. We'll do anything and work incredibly hard to try to get struck by lightning, which is what's needed to make it in

this business. So someone's honoring her, whatever. I'm making excuses for her. Maybe that's the case. I don't know. I think they had a cross in front of the ball, and it got struck by lightning, and it was on fire. It was weird. Yeah, and it happened all over East St. Louis. A lot of them. It's weird. Did you see Sons of Sam yet? Should we make that an assignment for everybody for next week? Okay.

That's a good assignment. It's really, really good. I need a gun murder. It's been next week. Okay. That's a good assignment. It's really, really good. I need a gun, good murder. It's been a week. Uh, let's do some Florida, man. You got it. Well, I only grabbed this story because I love the headline. You can't throw a baby Florida man accused of tossing infinite deputies after chase. It just sounded like such a raising Arizona line. You can't throw a baby. Deputies said they spotted a Nissan Rogue that failed to maintain its lane. And when an unmarked vehicle attempted to conduct a traffic stop, the driver refused to pull over.

So I've cut this story down. Get this, though. They then just gave up on it. And then they saw it later. Like when it refused to pull over, I guess in Florida, you just leave some of those alone, I guess. Right, right. Deputies then began a pursuit when they saw it again. And in the process, the driver crashed into an unmarked patrol vehicle.

What are the odds? Shortly thereafter, he pulled into an apartment complex, bailed out of the Nissan. Well, they keep bringing up a Nissan. By the way, I cut three references to Nissan. Maybe Nissan sponsoring this story. When he bailed out of the vehicle, he was holding a small child. He's accused of running through the complex with the baby, then throwing the two-month-old boy at a deputy who managed to catch the child. I bet this guy was a rugby player. Did he toss it backwards, technically, with a little good spin on it to make it easier to catch? You know, it reminds me of that Anthony Clark joke where he talks about if you go to Rome, there's a lot of gypsies and their pickpockets. And one of the things they'll do is they'll hand you their baby so your hands are busy and then they grab your wallet.

And he goes, so let that be a lesson to you. If you're in Rome and somebody tries to hand you a baby, swat it to the ground. I don't know. I'd go a step further. Like, I don't think it was a good idea handing me a weapon. Cause I'm going to use it. I think I'm calling your bluff.

When you see your baby swinging towards your head, is it my wallet? Or is it your baby's head that's about to smash into your head? You have two reasons to stop that baby mid-flight. Just even for yourself. That was a good catch. I hope they got it on video. That would be a great fucking video. And it might get the guy a scholarship to Florida State.

I think Tampa has its own baby catching network. Yeah. You just go on there for the best baby catches every day. They round them up. Some just shoot out of the women down there, and then the doctors catch them. That one was six months old. That don't count.

That's too big to cuddle. That's right. Let's do a little international. Oh, yeah. Italian artist Salvatore Garrao, I don't know how you pronounce Garrao, has just sold, wait for it, an invisible sculpture for over $18,000. So this Italian sculptor sold an invisible sculpture, Lo Sono, which means I am.

As the artist explains, it exists, but just not in material form, and is actually more like a vacuum. Yes. Vacuum in Italian means scam. The 67. Meanwhile, even if he did draw something on canvas and sell it for 18, I'm wondering if that's even like, isn't that the same amount of scam? It might as well be nothing. The 67-year-old went on to elaborate that, quote, the vacuum is nothing more than a space full of energy, which I think is the exact opposite definition in science of what a vacuum is. Anyway, and even if we empty it and there is nothing left, according to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. Ah, breaking bad.

That nothing, in quotes, has a weight. Therefore, it has energy that is considered and transformed into particles that is into us. Much like how we, quote, shape a God we've never seen. Wow, this is like the uh it's like the friends reunion because it was nothing it's just nothing there's nothing in there and they got paid a lot of money um well i'm glad all i guess all my unwritten screenplays i they're, why aren't I selling them? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. There's tons of energy.

I've fretted over it. I've stared at those empty pages for long periods of time. Well, maybe you can sell it to a network without handing them anything, and they can develop it with you and give you money for a year. And this has happened to you before. Re-up the same negative space the following year, and then, and this has happened to you before, re-up the same negative space the following year, pay you all over again, and ultimately nothing gets shot or done. I didn't get paid again. I did it for respect, which carries zero value.

I, yeah. Also, yeah, you hand in just empty pages. Even though they're empty, try to keep it to less than 120 pages. Otherwise, they're not going to want to, you know, spend read it. So you get it down to a professional length movie script. And then you say you're open. You're open to notes. 120 blank pages.

But by the way, this story also I went down to the comments. These are real comments. Nice. I have an air castle for sale. Great location with a view. I wrote him an invisible check, too. That was another one. But it does bring up questions.

Like, I did sit with this idea and how fascinating it is. So, I don't know who bought it, but it did sell. But let's say they're in America. So now they're going to ship this. They're going to ship this sculpture, which is in quotes, back to the U.S. I want to hear the call to insure it. Right, right. Standard Art Insurance.

There's plenty of companies that do it. Yep. How's it going to be shipped? Is it going to be white glove shipment of this? Also, when it comes, can I then collect on insurance if I claim it's been damaged? Right. Right. The energy's been damaged.

Look at it, obviously. Yeah. It would be, I mean, it could save you money because the thing about being rich is when you buy art, you're being judged by your art and how much you spent on it. And if you buy this, nobody can say that it's better or worse than something that they have. It becomes whatever you impose on it yourself, whatever meaning you impose on it yourself. I think it's kind of genius. It's not too far from those. What do you call those? NMDs or NFTs? on it yourself, whatever meaning you impose on it yourself. I think it's kind of genius. It's not too far from those, what do you call those, NMDs?

NFTs. NFTs. Yeah, is it T? Non-fungible? Whatever, God. Yeah. I mean, this is to the point where there's so much money floating around right now because people are being paid and they're not spending money because of the pandemic. And there's all this liquid cash and the world is just coming up with ways that you can waste it.

Well, yeah. By the way, I still own AMC. We're not in the business. But holy crap, what a turnaround that thing made. Jeez. Thank God I was only too lazy and it wasn't even lazy. I didn't want to revisit my bad decision. So what I do with a lot of bad decisions is I do nothing. Kind of like the sculptor. You're right. But boy, my bad decisions have energy, unlike this sculpture. And so I stayed away and just avoided AMC. And it's up, you know, whatever. I think it doubled last week. And from the week before where it doubled, it's up over like 400% or something. It is.

I'll tell you right now. It is at $48 right now. I bought it at $14 or $13, I think. Okay. But I bought it high because it's up over 3,000% year to date. It dipped a little bit at the end of the week. It's down to $48. It was as high as $ 67 on the day before believable

yeah anyway uh this sculptor i mean also couldn't you be like oh my god this is a counterfeit you know now that i have it in my place i have an artist friend he's pointed out this is a total rip off. Yeah. This has been done. It's literally the king has no clothes. It's exactly that. The emperor has no clothes. Yes, it really is. All right. All right.

Let's go to India. There we go. This is the greatest story of all time. In a series of unfortunate events, a groom married the sister of his bride after she collapsed and died at the wedding ceremony. The woman named Subari married a man named Mangesh Kumar. They were tying the knot in a Hindu cemetery ceremony. Cemetery. Cemetery. Ceremony. During the exchanging of garlands by the bride and the groom, Subari collapsed and a doctor was called to treat her after she suffered a heart attack. She was pronounced dead. The families of the bride and groom agreed the bride's younger sister, Nisha, would wed the groom.

In case of the Pudar Pradesh wedding, the families decided to go ahead with the ceremony while Subari's body laid in another room. We have never witnessed such mixed emotions, Subari's uncle Ajab Singh told News18. The grief over her death and the happiness of the wedding has yet

to sink in. Aww, the bride is crying. Don't forget that happiness. That's the mixed part. Otherwise, it would just be an unfortunate day where the bride died on the altar. Yeah. Yeah. The sister throws the bouquet.

Somebody catches it, puts it on the grave. I have a feeling she wasn't totally dead. But here's the deal. Rave? I have a feeling she wasn't totally dead, but here's the deal. Most, you know, I think they say, I think they, I read a statistic, 90% of marriages are arranged in India and whatever it is, it's very high. It's 90. That is what it is. Oh, okay. So is that in the story that I just not listened? No, I think it was in the story and then I edited it out for time. So, uh, this guy gets to the arranged thing. Maybe he's met her once before, whatever it is. And, uh, they're getting married. Then he sees the sister who's a smoke show. And he's like,

oh my God, this one starts choking on something. It's like, don't, don't just let her, just let her change. She's in the other room. She's not even dead yet but it's like no no no let's move on yeah how sad how tragic yes i'll take the sister i'll take hoon job oh okay i don't know if that's her name um yeah but oh boy that is insane i mean i if i had to if erin had died on our wedding day and her sister was there, I think I might have done it. Just because we spent so much for that fucking haul. And the band was impossible to get. Is Erin's sister married? Would you also have to arrange a divorce on site? Yes.

All right. No, she was single. sister married would you also have to arrange a divorce on site yes all right no no she no she was single would you um how liz's sister's cute you could have married her eliza sister yeah liz and her sister both very cute um uh yeah i mean she had a sister i guess that's your point so there was a potential she also had a good looking brother way. Well, in India, then that would be three ceremonies. It would be the wedding, the funeral, and the stoning. All right, let's do some sports. All right. Oh, boy.

Should we be excited about this fight? You are more than me, so why don't you read it? Miami. Floyd Mayweather and Logan Paul got their first up-close look at each other during fight week on Thursday. Mayweather, the undefeated 50 and 0. Jesus. Former boxing champion. And Paul, who is 0.

He also has a 0. 0 and 1. YouTube star will partake in an eight-round exhibition Sunday. Mayweather is 44. Paul is 26. They held a pre-fight face-off. It was intense and then ratcheted up a notch when Mayweather

stepped to Paul as he tried to pull away. Those staring contests are sort of BS. Yeah, they're pretty lame. Wouldn't a coward be really good at that because maybe that's what he's good at? Staring, unblinking? I like when the guy, you ever see when a guy

kisses the other guy and then he punches him in the face? That's happened a few times. It's a real violation. Yeah, you basically, you've touched him first in the form of a kiss. But yeah. But I do know that when I would watch those Tyson, I would blink. Like those Tyson weigh-ins.

Or you know when it's really uncomfortable is the getting instructions seconds before the bell, getting instructions in the center of the ring from the ref, and you're just staring at each other. But I've seen real champions who don't do that. Does, like, Conor McGregor not do it? Someone Chris would know. No, Conor does it.

But, yeah, some people look down in a way. I think Foreman used to look down. Well, he had real confidence issues, which Ali tapped into. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. No, I think Tyson— All right, Devin says repeat the question.

The question was, there's some champ I have memory of, either a great boxer or fighter, who really didn't engage in that stare down when there were red instructions from the uh the ref in the ring you know right before the first punches um he's getting yeah denman wrote heath heath herring ufc fighter ko'd his opponent before the fight started after being kissed also there were no jews in the building? What? I don't know. Which building? Oh, 9-11. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Right. Tower 7. We just have to accept that. He's an okay producer. He's the one that gets our audio levels. He keeps them surprising, so you keep listening.

Yeah, and he does this thing, which is kind of fun, where when I post my FitzDog Radio podcast, he puts the Sunday paper podcast up by accident this week. And he doesn't have an answer to the fighter question. All right, Chris, since you're typing in here, type us your prediction, Floyd or Logan. So they're doing eight. And what round?

It's an eight-round exhibition. He's saying Floyd. Floyd in the first round, I think absolutely. No. Yeah. But wait, Floyd's not known as an attacker. Oh, he's much bigger. Yeah, that's right.

He's way bigger. Oh, no. Paul is much bigger. Yeah, that's right. He's way bigger. Oh, no. Paul is way bigger. He's over 200 pounds, and he has like four inches on him maybe, maybe more. I think he's got four inches on him. But, boy, that would – all right. I got it. I know you keep repeating he just wants to get it over.

Okay, hold on. You ready, Chris? Get ready to type to this question. Wouldn't this, true or false, wouldn't this be a new fighting style for Mayweather? Punching up. You're supposed to punch up, never punch down. I go true or false.

He writes, yes, he's a defensive fighter. Right. This is so much fun because I fucking love Mayweather, and I hate Logan Paul, and it's just so much fun. I'll pay the money to watch him beat this guy's ass. It's going to just be so cathartic. He KO'd a kickboxer in a similar freak fight in Japan in the first round. Interesting. But, you know, with O'Connor, he really let O'Connor run out of energy, you know?

Are we going over to Gubbins' to watch the fight on Sunday? We were invited over there. He also has new codes for us to get the booster shot ahead of all minorities. So I wanted to get that early because now they've caught on, so we've got to be way ahead of the poor, more deserving people. I think I'll also stop by the golf course on the way over there and pick up the clubs that he threw across the fairway when he lost his temper. By the way, he's been hitting them pretty good. He can hit the ball really far when he gets into it no but also those chip shots like right near the hole whatever you guys scream when it's in the

air he won a lot of money on the chips the other day i'm glad i wasn't playing for money what's this check out the youtube stream for gubbins photo and ig oh that's right when they produce this this podcast and put it on YouTube, this is the podcast we're currently listening to right now, I guess when we talk about Gubbins, we throw his picture up there. And by we, I mean St. Louis, when they're not having fun racist parties. I am going to give you Gubbins' Twitter account. Twitter?

Isn't it IG? Oh, Instagram? It's called White People Head of the Line at Gubbins' time. No, I don't know what it is. Oh, that's a burp. Dennis Gvans. There's also some good fights on this card, but boy, I think

they start early West Coast time. DGUBS. DGUBS. D-G-U-B-S. DGUBS. On Instagram. If you need a vaccine, if you're white and you have health care

and you really should let other people get a vaccine first, but you don't want to, contact at DGUBS on iTunes. If you want to congratulate him on his ability to finagle the system, because fuck the system, man. Fuck the man. Yeah. Should we do a quick science? Let's do a science story.

Okay. Didn't we do that with space aliens and everything earlier? What do we got? Oh, down here? Oh. This just in. The invisible sculpture technically has no mass. And that's according to all scientists who said, quote, it's nothing.

That's all. All right, let's do some business. Yeah. Bitcoin is falling, falling, falling. Don't I know it. It's down to $38 right now. $38,000 right now. When we started tracking it, it was at $64.

I bought it in the low. Well, I bought a thing that tracked it because I'm a boom i'm a boomer apparently which i'm not technically uh and i bought it at like uh 43 dollars where it's down now though i can i can tell you bt what a if you put bi into google if you type bi into google bitcoin price comes up as like the first thing really yeah it's all people are tracking and uh my chiropractor who is uh you know he's kind of an off the grid guy he's a little bit like eastern medicine and he does weird stuff like you lay on your back if you have a problem in your leg you lay on your back on the table and then he puts a vial of homeopathic medicine on your belly button, and then tells you to push your arm up, and he tries to push it down. And based on your strength, he can tell you how you're reacting to the – so he's that guy.

But he started buying Bitcoin when it was like whatever, in the hundreds. And so he's got tons of it now, but he keeps buying more and more and more. And I'm kind of worried about him. He's like ready to move to Florida and, uh, cause there's no income tax and get out of the business. So wait, you're worried about a health practitioner who puts a vial of voodoo in your navel? Yeah. He'll always make a living. That's, you know, those are real skills. I wouldn't worry about that guy.

He's set for life, I think. Yeah. So I bought GBTC, which you can buy just like a stock. That's the ticker symbol, Grayscale Bitcoin Trust. So I bought it in the low 40s, and it, you know, went up above 60 or whatever. So it's currently at $30.90. It's only a 25% loss, which is better than I usually do.

Dogecoin is back up to 40 cents. It went down to 35. It's back to 40 this week. But I'm hearing a lot of chatter. 37 cents. What's that? 37 cents, which is significant. Right now it's at 37? That's like an 8 37 cents, which is significant. Right now it's at 37?

That's like an 8% drop, yeah. Okay. On the Investopedia, no big news there except for there's a guy named The Last Jimbo who suddenly has, you ready for this? Everybody started with $100,000. The previous leader was up at $200,000 for like the last two months we've been doing this competition the last jimbo has 385,000 he must have bought shit on margin or futures or something weird huh so i'd love to know what his portfolio is maybe we should start picking up stuff from that new guy in last place vtb man is is down to $17,000.

I'm at $89,000. I'm at $96,000. Yeah. Alright. Once again, I would be rewarded for doing nothing. I'd be up $11,000 from where I am now. Yep.

Let's do this day in history. We can. We can certainly do that. Big day today, June 6th, 1944. A day that will live in infamy. That's right. Eisenhower. I think it's called a date that will live in infamy. Eisenhower gives the go ahead for the largest amphibious military operation in history, Operation Overlord, commonly known as D-Day. What's amazing is D-Day is one of the greatest names of all time.

And you're like, well, it can't compete with whatever operation made they maybe technically called it operation overlord is so badass also those two names boy we used america used to be great trump's right those two names fucking kick ass yeah operation overlord sounds like a giant shadow comes over the beach before the ships start to arrive. It sounds like George Lucas had that in mind when he was writing about the dark side. Yeah, there was a cold wind blew in and a shadow, and then the ships arrived. So 18,000 British and American parachutists were already on the ground. 18,000 people parachuted in. And then 13,000 aircraft were mobilized for air cover and support.

The troops came ashore at Utah and Omaha beaches. Um, they captured the beaches. Uh, the task was tougher at Omaha beach because where the U S first division battle high seas missed mines, burning vehicles, and German coastal batteries, including an elite infantry division, which spewed heavy fire. Many wounded Americans ultimately drowned in the high tide. British divisions, which landed at Gold, Juneau, and Swarded beaches, and Canadian troops also met with heavy German fire. By the end of the day, 155,000 Allied troops, American, British, and Canadians, had successfully stormed Normandy's beaches and were then able to push inland.

Within three months, the northern part of France would be freed, and the invasion force would be prepared to enter Germany, where they met up with the Soviet forces. And that was it. That was the beginning of the end. It's insane. Yep. It's insane because I mean, you said that saving private Ryan, that scene of them storming the beach, you got to put it in the top, top five battle scenes in any movie in history. I was in a movie there and I did not realize I was ducking. I, I eventually my neck started hurting. I'm like, what?

And I'm like, oh, and I realized my position was I, my head was jammed as far down in my body as it could as I watched that scene. Yep. The sound of bullets was so lifelike. I shouldn't say lifelike because I haven't really been around a bullet. But the effect of the metal hitting, the metal bullet hitting like the sides of the ship or the helmets. It was amazing. Of course, I told you. We watched it actually last year.

We watched it on Veterans Day. And because someone like, hey, and it was anyway, I read like it was a good suggestion. So we watched it. But I told you. After that unbelievable scene, when there's calm, Spielberg's camera pans across the water, the red tide. Yeah.

Lapping on the shore and you see bodies and all this. And my daughter's like, did you think they really killed all those fish? That was what broke the silence and awe in my living room. Because among the dead bodies were fish bodies also floating. Yeah. From all the rounds and explosions in the water. Yeah. Like, what did it take me out of it? You couldn't,

you couldn't have said another line which would have taken me out of it as much as that line. It was incredible. Also the next line, again, a lot's going on in this movie. And all of a sudden it's like, there's so much to say. Like if I was a kid watching this for the first time, and they didn't even really know about D-Day, my first line wouldn't be, is that Vin Diesel? Yeah, right.

That was Olivia's first line. Yeah. Yeah, I think you should do a TV show like Mr. Science Theater 3000, but just with your daughters watching important movies and the things that they say. Yeah. You know, like... Birth of a Nation?

I kind of like this movie. I like this director's views. Yeah. Just totally inappropriate. All right. All right, let's do Dear Amy. Oh, we have some of those. We have some of those. Oh, I found another one, too. Oh, and then. Oh, God, if I was.

See, I haven't worked in a while. We should have done a deep tease at the beginning that we're going to get to this family circus situation. You know, we put out the call to caption that thing. Oh, right, right. So I got a lot of responses. So maybe we skip Dear Amy this week because we have a lot of family circus. All right, let's get to that. All right, so let's hit the letters to the editor. Joanne, once again, crush on us, not fading.

This woman is committed. Yeah, she's- Every week. She's dedicated. She is. This guy says, My name is David Cholden, and I attend a boarding school in Denmark. My father and I have been longtime fans.

I would just like to tell you that I got the rest of boarding school hooked on the show. I will pass by the gym and hear the podcast, or when people are high, they listen to you guys. You can rest easy knowing a whole boarding school listens and talks about you guys in Denmark. How amazing is that? Uh, that's crazy. Yeah. I went to boarding school. Stone. I didn't go to a Danish boarding school. That sounds whiter than white hot white to me. I was in Denmark for two months when I was like 18 years old. And we met a bunch of Danes who had come to the States, and they stayed at my friend Pete's house.

And so we lived with them for like a month. And we brought them into the city, and we got them high, and we got them laid. the city and we got them high and we got them late and so then we went over to denmark and they put us up for like a couple months in this town called vaille which is like a small town in western denmark and it was winter time and we just had such an adventure and we i had i had sex with danish models models uh oh the women why do you have to spoil it? What do you mean spoil it? His name was Hans, but he was all Hans. He's a fucking model, dude.

He's ripped like these gay guys in the gym at this gay boarding school. I don't think Denmark is so ahead of it. And it's totally cool. We're being positive. This didn't write this, but I looked it up. This is a gay boarding school. There is no such thing as a non-gay boarding school and it doesn't count it's like being in prison they thought the volleyball

scene and um and uh what's the tom cruise movie oh jesus a top gun well yeah was like not gay enough the top they're like they're watching it coming in from their own volleyball game where it's like they don't even wear shorts. Just shirts. It's the exact opposite. I'll pass by the gym. Oh my God, when they're all in there. All right, guys.

Keep it going. Forget leg day. It's total bullshit. Come on, one more set. In, tie, play, femme, foo, guys, keep it going. Forget leg day. That's total bullshit. Come on, one more set. In, tie, tre, fem, fu, soda, onda, ti. That's not real what you just did. In, tu, tre, fer, fem, soda, ni. That's one through nine. That's the ugliest.

Imagine a countdown to a liftoff. That's why Denmark has no space program. That countdown would sound like gibberish. It's awful. Ed Richter said it. So many numbers are just universal. We just tweak them a little bit. What are those numbers?

Which numbers? Give me the number three in Danish. Try. With a T-R in the beginning? Yeah. Oh, okay. It's your pronunciation then. Okay. Never mind Denmark. Never mind Denmark. You should have a space program.

And these gay high school students are going to fucking... They'll be the best, best astronauts. They can keep a secret. Yeah. Obviously. But I get into the spaceship stuffed in with four other men. When do we leave?

What do you mean my suit has no little escape hatch in the back? How am I going to have poop or other things? By the way, I'm nailing this Danish accent. Yeah. Great Danes. Ed Richter said, I heard you guys discussing a two-year-old's admission to Mensa on the most recent Sunday papers. Mensa charges $79 for a test required for admission.

Once a person is in, Mensa collects an additional annual membership fee. The reward is that after shelling out all that dough, a person can hang out with other people who paid $79 for a test and then pay an annual membership fee. How dumb does a person have to be to join Mensa? Sounds like somebody didn't get into Mensa. Jesus. Is this guy a little late on his dues?

What's happening? Dude, if I could walk around and tell people I was in Mensa, I would probably make enough money that I could afford the $79. $79? That's three drinks in Santa Monica. You don't think I'd pay that to become a member of Mensa? Yeah. Also, let's talk about the pricing. So you're on the board of Mensa, which, you know, I'm assuming you're a genius, if you are. I'm assuming you're a genius, if you are.

And you don't think the geniuses are going to see through your little pricing of $79, that trick where it's not $80, it's $79? And when you have that automatic annual fee whacked out of your credit card, you don't think they're going to catch on? Yeah, it's so simple. All you have to do is cancel it. Dude, I got to cancel some credit cards i have so many recurring annual fees that i just i'll notice once in a while it's like holy shit i have showtime i holy shit i have like right off the top of my head i pay consumer reports

annual fee still i pay imdb pro yeah uh netflix amazon prime um hulu you're on the wait list I pay IMDB Pro, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu. You're on the wait list for Mensa. Wait list for Mensa. I paid them $78. I'm on a time pro, which we'll call it. Well, lucky for you, Manbla is only $129 a month. Manbla. Nambla is only $129 a month. Nambla. They couldn't come up with a better name?

What does it stand for? Man-boy? No, it's Nambla. North American Man-Boy Love Association. So only in North America. I think that's the name of the boarding school in Denmark also. Was is Nambla? Is it on the left?

There's the Danish accent. Who are we playing today? Oh, we're playing Nambla. Oh, fuck those guys. All right. Obituaries. We got to hit a couple here. And that's all, folks.

Because this guy Mike from Bainbridge Island said that we failed to mention the late, great Charles Grodin. So let's give him an honorable mention. David Chodin also just died. He was beaten up by those gay guys in the gym at his boarding school for outing his school like this and us attacking them. By the way, we are not using gay as an insult. If they're taking it that way, they have a problem. You have a problem with it. We're just pointing out that when a building full of

boys that are going through puberty together spend long periods of time making cheese, things happen. After the fourth year you're in your boys boarding school, you then have to say you're in your boys' boarding school. You then have to say you're experimenting with girls, not the other way around.

That's the experiment. Females, not yourselves. By the way, if there are any gay guys in that school, I guess I kind of apologize. This has all been, obviously, a very big joke.

But I love the idea that all of you are gay. That's what I'm going to cling to. Grodin's early notable roles include Rosemary's Baby, Catch-22, The Heartbreak Kid, Heaven Can Wait, Seems Like Old Times, The Great Muppet Caper, The Lonely Guy, The Couch Trip, and of course, Midnight Run. Oh, my God. Yeah. They say that during Midnight's down he spent so much time in handcuffs he ended up with permanent scars on his wrists oh wow yeah that movie man that was

uh great you just uh joey pants you just had on your podcast oh yeah he was amazing in that yeah that's right wasn't he the pawnbroker? Right, exactly. I think that was like his first role. And then the guy from Chicago was in it who stole the show, who became a real friend of, and I'm bringing him up again, Kilborn Show. What's his name?

Frank, was it? Oh, come on. He died, sadly, like six or seven years ago. I'll look him up. He's in lock, stock and two smoking barrels. Chicago accent. He was a real police officer in Chicago. Oh. Not

We used to see him in Mastro's Steakhouse. Not Chaz Palminteri? No, no, no, no, no. What's the name of the movie again? Midnight Run? Yeah, but I won't do it that way here we go will google cough it up police office or chicago actor do you think it'll pop up no you don't no fucking first result dennis farina oh yeah well yeah. He was on NYPD Blue or Homicide? He might have then taken one of them, but oh, my God. And he was so funny, dude.

Pinky ring, Chicago, the real Chicago accent. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take this pen and stick it in your fucking eyeball. Remember, like, he was hysterical. Yeah, yeah, he was great. Am I confusing him? Was he in that movie or am I too locked, stuck in too small of a house? I know he was in one of those cop shows

because John Mulaney does a great bit about, I don't know if it's about him specifically, but, like, that character. You pay, apparently you pay a subscription to IMDB. You should be looking this shit up. I know. Alright, let me see. He's in that, though, right? I used to know the name too of the guy's eyeball he's gonna stick the pencil on because

it's part of the quote um in the 90s he was in the beethoven's franchise clifford holy shit what a coincidence he was in saving private ryan i forgot about that. Oh, no shit. Really? Get Shorty. Yeah, that's right. Turns out we're doing his obituary. Romeo is Bleeding. Street Crimes. Is that one of the series you're thinking about? No. Perfect Crimes. He's in a lot of

shows. Miami Vice. Midnight Run. Jimmy Serrano. There you go. Yeah. Gavin McCloud died. He was Captain Meryl Stubing on The Love Boat. He was the worst character on Mary Tyler Moore.

And The Love Boat, I don't know. You hated him like you'd hate a boss. He was just a boring boss. All Mr. Rules. He was go for to be go for, but he couldn't. He was the Mickey Mouse to the love boat,

the character that has no charisma and yet somehow is the center of the show. He kind of played. Oh God. I'm talking about gays too much, but his character on Mary Tyler Moore, I'm wondering if that was, they weren't allowed to say it at the time, but I'm wondering if he was, was he married? No, no, he was married. He was?

Yep. He was the put upon husband. Oh, all right. Yep. So he was a cuck, not gay. That's a totally different thing. So he was a cuck, not gay. That's a totally different thing. Here's another death that hits close to home for me. Buddy Van Horn, who was Clint Eastwood's stuntman for fucking, how many years?

50 years? So this guy, I was playing golf one day with my buddy Jackie Flynn, and we were late getting to the tee. And so the starter, we're at this public course where they pair you up if you show up with two people they pair you up with two other people so me and jackie are getting are late to the t and so the starter announces on the loudspeaker fitzsimmons and flynn on the t now for the 10 20 and we get there and there's this guy, this tough-looking, ornery, leather-skinned, tough guy. And he goes, you guys want to fucking show up on time next time? And we were both like, whoa. And so then he stands up there, and he does that old man swing where the body barely moves.

But just out of sheer anger, he slaps it out there about 220. And so he kind of doesn't talk to us for the first couple holes. And then he warms up, you know, because me and Jackie are joking around. And by the back nine, we're best friends. And we found out that he's Clint Eastwood's stunt double

and that he also was he, I think he he worked as a director on a couple of his movies as well. Yeah. Yeah, but here he was directed. He was a director for Malpaso, Malpaso, whatever. Clint Eastwood's production company.

Any Which Way But Loose, The Deadpool, The Pink Cadillac. So, like, you know, Clint is an extremely loyal guy and this guy had started with him and he's standing you could tell he's the kind of man's man that Clint Eastwood would love you know yeah and his little temper on the golf course

is very in line with Clint as well did you hear George Lopez who plays a lot of golf and he would go up and he'd play and he owned a house on Pebble Beach but Clint Eastwood has a club up there a a golf club near Carmel, obviously. And some woman was complaining a lot about the golf course and the membership and blah, blah, blah, blah. And Clint Eastwood walked out to where she was on the golf course,

and he wrote her a check and told her to get the fuck out. He wrote her a check reimbursing her for her membership and told her to get the fuck off the course. That's great. He was the mayor of that town for a little while of Carmel. Sure was. Yeah. I may not have this right, but I think he was like either anti or he mocked that they had a,

a wheelchair ramp to get into the, to the courtroom or to the town hall or city hall. No, no, no. No, no, no. City hall? No, no. This is his governor.

This is way worse. Way worse than a private club. This is when he was governor. Not governor. This is when he was mayor of Carmel, and it was about putting a ramp, I think, into city hall. That's great. We should look it up.

Anyway. All right, let's cheer up, Mike. Let's do some funnies. Okay. Elliot James wrote in and he said, I have not been able to actually find anything on YouTube, but I am sure that Chris Elliott went on Late Night with David Letterman and Red Family Circus a time or two on the show. Of course, they were just as bad back then,

but Elliott would pretend they were funny and heartwarming. Not saying you stole the bit. I think one would have to be pretty hardcore Letterman fan with no social life to remember when he did that. All right. I was a pretty hardcore Letterman fan without a social life. when he did that. All right. I was a pretty hardcore Letterman fan without a social life. I don't remember it. I wouldn't be surprised if he did. I mean, it's kind of a popular device. I remember Odenkirk had a great bit where he was chewing gum. Did you ever see him do this in a club? He's chewing gum and telling you this story, and you slowly realize he's reading the bazooka joe comics and that's the story he's telling dude and and his mouth is full of gum by the end i am not making this up michael keaton on evening at the improv in the 19 in 1980 did a bit where he walked on stage

opened up bazooka joe comics and read them on stage as his set. Yep. So it's a popular device. I love, but making fun, I realize I am not the first to this. Well, I just can't believe even after it's been addressed, how unbelievably bad it is. Yeah. Anyway. And, And that paper is still printed. I mean, how many people have famously made fun of it? It's in that movie, whatever, Go or whatever that movie was. Like, it's documented. And if Chris Elliott was doing it on network television, I mean, yeah.

All right, let's do a little bit of Lockhorns. Loretta is standing there. She has on a red striped polo shirt and blue sailing pants. And Leroy's talking to his friend and he goes, Loretta's shopped at Old Navy so often she should qualify for veterans benefits. You got to see the outfit, though. it's classic cheeseball old navy wear yeah uh he should be happy she's not spending much shopping sweet moment with um with uh hager the horrible he's with his wife and the daughter says to the wife, hey, when did you realize you were going to marry daddy?

And the wife says, when he invaded my village and drove away every eligible man. And then Hager hugs her and says, is that romantic or what? No, I think it's genocide, followed probably by rape. followed probably by rape. It's also, if I was tuning in, I'd be like, are these two sisters talking and one of them married their dad? Like, how do I know the backstory? Yeah, right.

I like the daughter's outfit. She's got those little bee cups. She's got like a... They're like coconut shells. Yeah. All right, let's hit some Family Circus. Now, what did we do last week? What did we ask for? Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord. So I... Let me find it. So I... We told the listeners I would put on my Instagram a Family Circus and remove the caption and ask people to caption it. So the caption was the dad sitting in a chair and the little kid comes up showing playing cards and a little obnoxious kid's mouth is open. So he's talking to the dad. And then I took off the caption. And, uh, so he's just holding up cards. So we got a lot of, a lot of comments,

a lot of people captioned it. Okay. So I'll read some, uh, but then, uh, yeah, I'll get to that part in a second. So, um, mommy said cards are the reason I visit you every other weekend. That's kind of funny. That is a good one. Uh, Joenel, Joenel, I don't know. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna credit these people. You can go to my Instagram and see who wrote these. I got you more cards because mom is always saying your deck is tiny. That wouldn't be in it.

Oh, there's a lot of very racist ones because the kid is showing these black cards. So, of course, Internet comments, very racist. Daddy, I know you hate blacks, whatever. Is this my birthday card? So some of them really wrote it like, could it be actually a good one that Jeff Keen could have written? Right. So something like that is, go fish. I don't see a fish card. That would have even been better than the piece of garbage that this guy has here.

Okay. Daddy, I know you've been crying about a full house since mommy left. That's a pretty good one. Then there's, you know, the blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's see. Another coincidentally small deck one. Daddy, which one is the race card? That's the least racist racial one we got um uh i had

like thought and a lot of people wrote this like daddy is this my card i thought that would be a clever one that could be in the newspaper yeah um okay so anyway tons you can go on my instagram to see like everybody's guesses but i want your instagram by the way is at gibbons time two b's there's a professional there you go um i'm trying to think if there's anyone else that i liked uh okay anyway so the real caption was i'll play cards with you, daddy, but you keep score. I don't know my numbers. Unbelievable. That is shocking. I mean, these people that are getting on Instagram, they're not qualified. Their father didn't do family circus for 30 years before they took it over. So they were literally mentored into the job.

Every one that people wrote me, including the racist ones are better. Every single one is five times better. Unbelievable. What's worse is this. I then wanted to find the image quickly before we started the podcast today. So I Googled family circus cards numbers because I remembered what the stupid joke was. Guess what popped up? The one on the right. Can you see it? Yeah. It's two kids and the dog going up to the dad who's sitting in the same green chair and goes we'll play cards

with you daddy but and then the caption is we don't know our numbers so you'll have to keep score and tell us when we win wow he's play wait now that's that says it's by Jeff Keen, and the other one said it's by Jeff. Oh, no. Yeah. That's insane. He doesn't give the year. It says 525 on one and 311 on the other. Doesn't say the year.

But, like, that means this bad idea came to Jeff Keen twice and he's like, yep, print it. Yep. You had a second chance to be like, maybe I should roll up one sleeve and actually write something. Let me spend 40 seconds thinking of something to write. Yeah. Nope. He refuses. Unbelievable.

He refuses to do that. Wow. Someone then, this is the. He refuses to do that. Wow. So someone then, this is the last thing I'll do on Family Secretary, someone then sent us one that appeared this week. It was during this week

it was in the paper. I saw it. And I was going to bring it to your attention but someone emailed it in. Do you see the little shitty redheaded kid is in a picture

with a cat. Same as Billy. In a picture with his cat. And he's rubbing the cat's back with a back scratcher. Right? Like the monkey's paw, whatever those little things are that you buy. A little hand, wooden back scratcher. And I went down to be like, all right, what piece of garbage is Jeff Keen going to mail in?

What's he going to say here? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. It speaks for itself. There's no caption. Yeah. That's just it. I don't get it.

Well, I think he feels like he gives so much that once in a while we have to just respect that he's going to do like a kind of an off-speed pitch, throw you just a sweet moment without any humor. Well, but they sell things that you rub your animals with because they like the feel of it. Like, you know what? The

sculpture. You know what it is? Jeff Keen was way ahead of this Italian sculptor. Every week, Jeff Keen, every day, creates something that's nothing. It's a negative space. It's's nothing. It's a negative space. It's a vacuum. It's a vacuum.

It's the opposite of matter. Right. It's beyond something that matters. There's no matter. No matter. I think the guy truly wants to retire. His wife won't let him. And so he's writing the worst comic strips he can until he gets fired.

But somehow he's struck a chord with middle america and they're celebrating it and by the way when i saw the cat thing i'm like honestly no caption and then i i just i was like oh my god look at this one do you see this shitty kid holding the the like terracotta pot that you plant plants in outside. This pot isn't any good. It has a hole in it. Mm-hmm. I mean, why not just have, like, a fucking spoon in your kitchen that has holes in it?

Like, this spoon doesn't work. It has holes in it. Like, just pick anything that's designed that way that a stupid kid, like, oh, my God. Right, right. All right. Okay. All right. Oh, boy. You get it out of your system, like, oh my God. Right, right. All right. Okay. All right.

Oh boy. You get it out of your system, Mike, for the week? I don't know. That author, that Italian author, maybe it's a giant artistic commentary on family circus. Right. It's worth more than $80,000, $18,000 then, I think. I'm done.

All right, listen. Dagwood is driving me fucking crazy lately. I mean, first of all, there is so much emphasis on Dagwood. When you go through the comics for the, because I look at the whole week, and I pick the one that I love, hate the most. And they're so filled with Dagwood at work. Nobody fucking cares about Dagwood

with his stupid red bow tie being yelled at by Mr. Whatever-His-Name-Is. He's inept. He's boring. We get it. There's no comedy to be mined from seeing Dagwood at work. We want to be home with fucking Blondie. So he's at work, and the boss says, I hereby propose to award a bonus. Everybody's smiling and then he goes to anyone who can give me eight hours of uninterrupted work for one whole day and now everybody looks kind of shell-shocked

he walks in the door in the third frame and here's blondie and she's got on sort of like a kelly green top short sleeve bosom protruding black velvet skirt you know the look right above the knee oh she looks and her posture the way she stands up she presents the bosom well slight bend in the knee to accentuate the buttocks which you can see even even though it's kind of angled from the front you can still see the curve of her ass and she says to him this fucking zero she says well bonus he says looks like we're not getting squat because because you can't work an eight hour day for this fucking goddess who cooks you who stands while you eat who watches tv while you bring him snacks and you're not going to work eight hours so she can buy herself a fucking dress.

Fuck you. How about you're not getting squat out of this fucking pussy either, Dagwood? And what a better line had been like, return the couch or return the TV. Yeah. Just saying. Right. I'm still Jeff Keening it. Yeah.

No, you can't punch up Blondie because the premise is just, it makes me too angry. Just the idea that he can't appreciate. Please animate me, God. In my next life, animate me and let me go into that comic strip and make a cuck out of that fool. Oh, boy. Yeah, there were, yeah. People snuck the cuck thing into uh the family circus contest also all right listen mike okay i think you really carried this one i have to thank you i was out

late last night and up early this morning and i don't complain about low energy anymore since that letter nailed it no you had did you take ritalin today? I can't remember. I think you did. No, but I had a coffee, remember? Oh, that's right. And I'm off coffee. I'm off coffee. So I haven't had one. You were on fire today. It was very good.

I haven't had one in a few days. Sure. Well, we, you know, some things worked us up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Also, when I think about all those boys at that Danish boarding school, you know, it's the juices flowing. Oh boy.

Yeah. All right. Well, listen, people, don't forget, check out Fitz Dog Radio on Tuesdays. We got some good guests coming up. Annie Letterman is on this week. And then also cameos are available. Go to the cameo app and I'll send you a message. And that's it.

I bet you're going to make some for a Danish boarding school. I will bring out my old, I can still say, God's nu doll, which is Happy New Year. And ja la tele ike dansk, which means I can't speak Danish. That's more useful, in my honest opinion, my humble opinion, than Happy New Year. It seems like you'll use that one more than Happy New Year. I was there on New Year's, Christmas and New Year's. I'm hoping.

Yeah. Yeah. Skal vi dansk means shall we dance? Would you like to dance with me? I could have told you that. All right, give me another one and I'll tell you what it is. I think that's all I know. Just give me another one.

Okay. Ja, tale ik dansk. Just give me another one. Okay. Ja, tele ike dansk. My roommate is inside me. I just needed a setup. Mike, I'll see you in a few hours at my house. We'll take some pictures of the girls getting dressed. You got the champagne. I'm bringing the flowers.

This happens every Saturday night, regardless of prom. I love it. It's a new trend. We want to thank our friends over at Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, and Key, who are doing an amazing job on the show. We appreciate it and respect it. Money in the bank.

First round. And it's Mayweather first round. I love it. Put all your money on it. Don't forget, like us, follow us on Apple Podcasts. Tell your friends about the podcast. Let's blow it up this year. All right.

Oh, yeah, let's do it. All right, we'll see you next week. Take it-ish. Take it-ish. Sunday, Sunday. Sunday papers with Reagan Mike. Sunday, Sunday. Fuck yourself, go take a hike.

Sunday, Sunday. We don't need no facts, we don't get it right. Sunday, Sunday. Blondie looks good, that ass looks tight.