Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 68 6/20/21

Episode Date: June 20, 2021

Greg and Mike celebrate Father's Day by discussing Batman being banned from oral sex by DC, Biden being banned from Communion by the Bishop and Atomik - an artisanal alcoholic spirit made from ingredients grown in the Chernobyl plant - being banned by the Russians. Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime 

I opened up the Sunday papers for perspective on the news and I heard you funny man. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday papers. All right. Pause. Pause. We'll keep this in the podcast.

My headphones aren't working. Uh-oh. Probably because Mike's 39-cent earphones he got from a JetBlue flight aren't working. They're Apple. No, by the way, that's so funny you say that. Here they are from my flight. And they sold them to me on JetBlue. Yeah.

It comes with a nice pouch, these pieces of garbage. They put it in a little case. All right, I think it's working. You can hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. It's all because we try to troubleshoot all your settings, you moron, for 10 minutes before this, we started.

Oh, maybe that can cut into the time where you're normally eating a fucking bagel and... Not eating this week. And by the way, not one person complained about my eating last week. That's not true at all. I know. There were a half a dozen people. Half a dozen people got very upset about you chewing into the microphone.

And that doesn't count the number of people that just tune out and say, this guy doesn't respect me. I'm never listening to the show again. You, I'm not even going to address that. You sound, your audio sounds different. It does. Like I'm hearing you, which it doesn't matter, but I'm hearing you. How are you hearing me? Are you sure you're hearing me through your headphones? how are you hearing me are you sure you're hearing me through your headphones yes you are definitely yes it sounds like i'm hearing you not through your headphones but through your computer like ambient in the room yeah that's weird chris is now writing that it sounds more distant as well it sounds good you never sound good but it it sounds good. This is going to be 115 minutes

about audio. That's what today is going to be. But you don't sound bad. As long as your H6 is recording, we're good. Chris said we're fine. As long as you can hear me. I can totally hear you. Mike, how are you, man? Good playing golf

with you yesterday. We were out there with Dennis Gubbins. Jesus. That guy. So good. I mean, you know, listen, he got us the vaccines in front of all those minorities and any golfs. I mean, could he be whiter? I don't think he has zero black friends. And I know that because he's told me that the way somebody else says, like, you know, I never had chicken pox. He says I never had black friends. And, yeah, it's, like, boastful. No, he does.

He's the mayor of Venice. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Dennis is, we got to figure something out. He's friends with everybody. Is he coming to see the dead with us in the fall? I think he wants to. Halloween. Halloween night. I have two extra tickets. I'm thinking about offering them to Gubbins and Fitzgibbons. You know, the podcast listeners

were just like, just, you know, rubbing their hands together, eager to hear this contest that it sounded like you were about to pitch. So you're saying it's a contest for Dennis Gubbins and Mikey Fitzgibbons? No, it would be like for the for the podcast listeners. Like if you do this, you know, I don't know how they I don't know. I don't listen to podcasts, but you know what I mean? Like two lucky listeners are going to get to join Greg and his wife at the Hollywood Bowl Halloween. Grateful Dead show everyone on mushrooms. Wow. I don't know that I what if what if the listener is that guy that keeps writing in about about that, that we're not woke enough and I got to spend and I got to spend four hours listening to that

while I'm tripping on mushrooms. What's worse is what if Gubbins won the contest? Now I'm thinking about if we invite him, then it's going to be, then we'll get the group together. Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbons, Gibbons, and Gubbins. Yesterday we screamed, we were making the guy. So on this public course, when you're up, it's like all of a sudden you hear the mic crash in, like some 50s movie in a country club.

And it's like, will the Fitzsimmons party go to the T-Box or whatever they call it? And he started to be like, Fitzsimmons, Gibbons, oh, God. And he literally goes, oh, God. Because the names were literally Fitzsimmons, Fitzgibbon, Gibbons, Gubbins. And he got, he like scanned two down and just gave up. And we started screaming back, read them. Read everyone. Say it.

It is so pathetic. Oh my God. So how'd you feel about your golf yesterday? I know, look, you're not a natural golfer. First of all, you started late in life, which is very, it's very difficult to start later in life. And you're actually doing a great job. You're playing very well, but you don't have the head for it. You're not really naturally a golfer. You're more of like a rugby player.

Are you referring to when I quite audibly screamed the C word at one point? Are you referring to when I quite audibly screamed the C word at one point? The C word? Well, I call my- Oh, did you? Oh, that might have been the day before the Ruby. Ruby laughed pretty hard. But yeah, whatever. I think it's British.

I don't think it's anything other than that. It's misogynistic. And I was calling myself it. But I am using that part of a woman's anatomy to most insult myself. So there is something going on there. Um, anyway, I don't know. I actually thought yesterday I had kind of a golf mindset a little bit. I mean, you know, boring, in other words, boring. And, uh, you give up by the fifth hole and you hung in there through all nine yesterday no did you hear that i'd actually be willing to do 18 which is

something i never thought i'd say in my life let's do it i'll sign us up for 18 next week all right boy this is fascinating so let's get back to talking about audio glitches i mean this is the most boring podcast all right why are we burying the lead? Happy Father's Day, Mike. Oh, that's right. Today's Father's Day tomorrow. Yeah. Happy Father's Day. What do you have planned? Well, on Father's Day, my kids give me breakfast in bed and presents and cards. Wow. And we're very effusive. Can I come over? What? Can I come over and wake up in bed with you? Just sleep over, and then they'll give us both breakfast in bed. All right.

My family are very effusive card writers. We write very loving things on the cards, but then we don't say anything loving for the rest of the year. Oh. Yeah. I get that. So it's actually very moving. And then me and Owen are going to play some paddle tennis.

And then we're going to go see Mikey Fitzgibbon play his guitar at Clutch. I might join you there. For lunch. And then I'm going to watch the end of the U.S. Open. Oh. And then I have a show, which I'm very excited about. It's, um, it's this outdoor show that they do, um, in Hollywood.

And it's like, I mean, the lineups are fucking crazy. Like Sunday night, I'm on with, uh, Jessel neck, uh,

Segura. Um, I think spade. Wait, I'll go to this. Where? It's crazy. I, I forget the name of the place,, I'll go to this. Where? It's crazy. I forget the name of the place, but I'll let you know.

I should be plugging it, but I'm there Sunday and Thursday. So that's a very full Father's Day. What do you got planned? Girls are coming over, even though they're with their mom this weekend, but they're, I think, coming over tonight. And their excuse was, yeah, I think probably breakfast and bedtipping. But I don't know. I think they like talking about it.

They look to get the credit for it. The execution isn't really there. And then they like, you said your family likes cards. My kids are more into notes like IOUs. Like so. It started when they were young, which was really cute, which is like, I owe you like this entitles, you know, whatever, like to a free hug, you know, like when they were really little. I thought you meant like they didn't get you a gift. So it's an IOU.

That is exactly what it is now. It's less cute. And it's like, and then they tell me what they were going to get me. But in their defense, I tell them I want nothing. And I am very, very hard to buy for because I don't really. It's not like I buy my. As you can tell, this wardrobe does not change. So if they're thinking of getting me a shirt or what's the go-to, a tie, obviously I wouldn't want a tie.

But I'm hard to buy for. Everyone says that. So there's that. Okay. So I don't know. I don't know, but I like going, I'm, I'm, I think we're going to go to that lunch. That sounds good. Some lot, you know, it's their birthday. They're celebrating tomorrow, Gubbins and Fitzgibbon. So we might, and then they're going to the golf course after that. So I might, I don't know which place I'm going to, but I like the sound of this comedy show. Yeah. Oh, supernova.

It's called, you know, we used to complain like crazy about father's day because it was the opposite. When the kids were young, we were basically put in charge of the kids all day. Like you had to take them places so they could be with you. You know what I mean? It wasn't, it wasn't at all doing what we want to do. And it seemed that mother's day was the dad wrangles the kids. They get the breakfast in bed. They do the gifts, the cards.

Then it's like, let's let mommy go off and do her like spa, you know, whatever it is. I remember the year that they decided that they knew that I like to rollerblade because I would rollerblade down the beach, you know, by myself, which is how I enjoy rollerblading, at my pace. And then so they decided. With your giant fanny pack? Yeah. What's that? With your giant fanny pack, it's totally, it's a great sight.

Oh, yeah, water bottle in my hand, visor. And so they decide that we're all going to rollerblade together for Father's Day to celebrate it so cut to us rollerblading towards the beach wind in our face the kids are like fucking five and seven they suck and

Aaron sucks and then we got fucking dirt blowing in our eyes. I'm holding, I'm holding Jojo's hand. I'm dragging her. She's crying. And I'm like,

this is the worst fucking father's day I've ever had. And then a light bulb. You just drop that hand and pick up the speed and fucking you're gone. That's it. Greatest father's day ever. And then also we should mention that tomorrow is the longest day of the year. Right. Followed by the beginning of short days, which is way too early.

We should look into changing that. I don't know who in the galaxy we can talk to about that, but, uh, but we should change it. Yeah. Um, it is nice though. You can,

uh, you can go to the beach late. I love going to the beach around this time of the year. You go at like six o'clock and you sit there for fucking two and a half hours. It's awesome. Great. Why don't we do some of that?

Well, you have the show tomorrow night, but let's, yeah, I'm, I'm here, man. This week, my wife is away. Erin is in New York. Her mom got knee surgery, and she lives on a third-floor walk-up in Manhattan. So, first of all, if you're in your 80s,

should you be in a walk-up apartment any longer? No, I know. I know. You got to switch around a lot. You remember my walk up? I'd I felt so bad. I'd meet delivery guys halfway down. Yeah, that's that is literally the definition of codependency. I know. Well, they'd come up and I honestly thought they'd have. There were a couple of times a plumber came up and I thought I'm I like dialed nine one. And I just had my finger over the one like I thought for sure the guy was going to have a heart attack. It was a 5-floor. We lived on Sullivan Street in Soho, tenement.

It might have been a 5-1, 2, 3. I think it was a 5-4. Yeah, you were on the 5th floor, and I was on the 6th floor about half a mile away. And I remember brother-in-law George came to town because we both ran a couple of marathons in New York. He had trained for the marathon like crazy. He, like two nights before the marathon, he shows up in my place and he comes upstairs and he's panning in the kitchen just like, I'm fucked. I'm fine. I thought I was in shape. And I'm like, no, it's different. Trust me, the marathon is easier than that walk up.

Yeah. And imagine moving. I mean, I moved couches, beds. Yeah. And it's a tenement. You remember how tight they were? Yeah. They were made when there were no refrigerators.

Right. Not joking. Right. So you had a little icebox that you would bring up. Now they're trying to like fucking bend a refrigerator around the turns. Mine was. Well, you know, I live. Tom O'Neill lived in the apartment next to mine. So his apartment faced the street. Mine faced the back alley. And so there was no the buzzer didn't work to buzz people in. Yeah. And so people would call and there were no cell phones.

So they'd call from a pay phone and they'd say, I'm downstairs. And then I would knock on Tom's door and I would go in and I had a sock with the keys in it. I would throw the sock with the keys in it out the window and they'd catch it. And then they'd let themselves up. That was, that was how you got in the building.

It sounds like oceans 11. It sounds like Ocean's Eleven. It sounds like a giant plan on how to break into somewhere. Here's the deal. You get to the corner on that payphone. You call this number. That guy will go to another apartment. He will wrap it in a sock and throw it down. And so the one saving grace was, well well i know i'm never going to get robbed

right wrong i come home i come home one day and uh they must have been scouting me or something because they came in from the roof and this is these are literally my building is literally like the block that mean streets takes place on scors Scorsese's movie, where Harvey Keitel has the gun. He's hidden on the rooftop in Little Italy. That's literally like my building. And God, it was a Gravenite Social Club was directly across the street. No, downstairs. Oh, all right.

And so somebody came into the apartment while I was out, and I was doing stand-up at the time, and they used to pay you cash. Oh, all right. On my desk. That's a lot. And they came in and they fucking swiped my cash. I just, I mean, my rent, I know it was cheap. I had a stabilized, but like just to put in perspective, especially in our, that point of our lives, this is the nineties, a thousand dollars. My rent was three, 315 a month. Yeah. So we're talking about a significant chunk of change. Yeah, that was a month. Yeah. So we're talking about a significant chunk of change.

Yeah, that was a lot. And my buildings, it's so fun in a way to talk back to this, even if you're not from New York, hopefully this is fun for the listeners. My street, Sullivan Street, it was Soho before it became this glitzy German mall that it is now. And they filmed the scene in Godfather 2. I think it was Godfather 2. Along the roofs, remember? Like when he goes in and then he unscrews the light bulb and everything? Yeah. And that was the Feast of St. Anthony, I think,

because I think they shot it. San Gennaro was obviously the big one, but I think they shot part of it on Sullivan Street, which was mine, which is like, you know, whatever, five blocks over. That's where St. Anthony's Church is, right? it on a part of it on Sullivan street, which was mine, which is like, you know, whatever, five blocks over. But I mean, That's where St. Anthony's church is, right? Yeah. Where we used to play bingo in the basement.

Right. Wednesday nights. Yeah. I told you about my girlfriend at that time, Alex, Texas, you know, cute as a button. And, uh, she won and she's like, bingo. And like, it's so happy. I mean, the daggers from all the old women. Yeah. Well, I mean, here are the fucking hipsters and i have to admit i was like we were early adopters of the bingo thing because

it was right across the street tom o'neill was already turning us on to it but it wasn't like half the room was now fucking hipsters like enjoying the irony of playing for low stakes bingo it was like just us and man, they hated us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gentrification really is ugly. Jesus. Yeah. They called it my building too. It was interesting. There was a lot of, there was a bunch of Portuguese, but English. I'm not trying to be funny in my building, which was small, you know,

it's like six stories. I'd and four apartments, a story. Uh, I'd say this was the third language because Italian number one for sure. They call it all the good fellows. Widows were in that building. Oh. And then, um, I'm fucking around, you know, I got run. I got put in there. Anyway, long story. I, I was sued by the new owner of the building, all this. And, you know, and I kind of pulled shit all of a sudden on the street. I see this. You got sued for the building for him to kick you out because you were breaking the rent control.

No, what happened was a new owner bought it and I was in an apartment that was listed as empty because the old owner and I had an agreement. He put me in there and he's like, you just have to pay, just pay me rent off the books. And we had done this on the Upper East Side. Anyway, long story short, he's like, and, and we're good until I, but if, if I ask you to move out, you got to move out. I'm like, of course, you know, this is mutual trust and we've, we've done this well before. And I moved out when you asked and I asked if you had another place. Fine. So I'm in there with cash. And then all of a sudden a knock on the door happens and it's this little guy, really aggressive. And he has like an accountant with a clipboard with him.

He's like, what are you doing here? I'm like, I live here. He's like, this apartment's empty. I'm like, well, take a look. It's not, look who you're, I'm not a ghost. It's not empty. And he's like, well, you have to get out. I'm like, who are you?

So it was the new owner of the building and he's livid. And so I'm like, well, I have like many canceled rent checks that say I live here. So meanwhile, if the gig's up, the gig's up. I called the previous owner who I had a handshake agreement with. I'm like, hey, do I have to move out? He's like, why do you say that? And he's like, well, the new owner, he's like, fuck that guy. He's like, he he screwed me on this deal.

You don't move. Trust me. No judge is going to. And he fucking said, you stay guy. He's like, he, he screwed me on this deal. You don't move. Trust me. No judge is going to. And he fucking said, you stay there. So that's what happened. And the guy sued and the judge yelled at him and then asked the court, whatever the bet, whoever it is, some court clerk, will you look up the proper rent? Cause I was paying like 400 a month. And it came back that it was 315 a month. He lowered my rent in front of the guy. And then I got triple damages for the difference that I had paid for two years. Oh, that's awesome. It was so great.

Yeah. Yeah, my place was all cash. It was rent controlled. It had been in this family for like three generations, the Rago's. And they had illegally broken through. It was a one-bedroom apartment, a railroad style. So it's just a straight row of rooms. And then they knocked a wall through to a studio apartment that was next door.

Right. That's how they'd be. Long apartment, short apartment. long apartment, short apartment. The long ones had bathrooms. The short ones, the bathroom was in the hall. Right. One bathroom that they shared. One shitter.

Not a bathroom, a shitter. Yeah. So I was living there with Sue Costello and then my boy, George McDonald. And the mice, it had a tin roof and the mice. You could hear them running around all day in the tin roof. You're going to bed and all you're thinking is one of these fucking mice is going to fall on my face. All right. At the risk of hopefully people are into this stuff because it's such an American story. But these tenements, which had so many immigrants, it was I mean, imagine a working class Manhattan, honestly, it's,

it's heaven on earth and, and these skilled laborers and, and, and, and all walks of life. And, uh, I mean, uh, you know, this mosaic that was Manhattan anyway, like for instance, so I had a long apartment, which actually had a bathroom with a tub in it and stuff like that. So the apartment next to me across the hall was a short one because the long ones were catty corner and the short ones were catty corner with the narrowest hallway. So next door, I went over and checked out my neighbor's apartment. So what these immigrants would do is they would get, they were so handy. She had this unbelievable system.

So there's, again, a shitter is in the hallway. Then I guess it's just left up to you. I guess you shower in the sink. I honestly don't know what the plan was. So you would see these, they would put a tub and then this beautiful wooden like top, which was your kitchen counter. And then like they did some plumbing arrangement, you know, with a handle. So then when it was time, I swear to God, you would cook, prep your food, make your dinner. Then you would raise on hinges, this beautiful wooden thing. And then that's where you take a bath. Yeah. Right. And it was, you know, it was all about your heart. You only really slept at home, you know, and did your

dinners and you were out all day working probably three jobs and all that anyway. All right. Wait, one quick story I might've told on the podcast before. So this guy was rude when he showed up to my door with his clipboard guy and screaming about- By the way, your medication just kicked in. You said before the show that you drank coffee and you took your meds and you're waiting for them to kick in. They just kicked in.

They might have. So, you know, a little guy who was not intimidating at all, and he was rude, and he kept threatening to sue me. So I was know, a little guy who didn't, you know, was not intimidating at all. And he was rude and he kept threatening to sue me. So I was like, fine. I think I had told the story. But anyway, my boss at HBO, Chris Spencer, great guy from New Zealand, similar situation. He and his girlfriend in a place that's not theirs, paying some owner and all this. And I guess the building change ends.

Anyway, knock on the door. Chris and his girlfriend are cooking dinner in the kitchen. The girlfriend answers the door and Chris could immediately tell there's a giant energy shift. And all of a sudden she comes back and slides behind Chris looking over his shoulder at the door. And Chris goes, there's a guy I can only describe as like the most menacing energy with doing nothing, just a stoic face and get your attention just by looking at you. And he's like, you're Chris and you know, you're Lisa. And they just, and so he goes, we just instinctively nod and go, yes. And he goes, and you're not supposed to be here. And he goes without a hesitation, we're both like, right. He go. And the guy goes, thank you. He goes, thank you. He's like, a lot of people don't do

it as easily as you did. I'm glad you admit that. He's like, so I'll work with you. How long do you need to get out of here? And Chris was just like, you tell us. And he's like, how about this? I'll come back seven nights from tonight. I'll give you a full week. And when I come back here, you guys are gone and it's broom swept. How does that sound? Chris is like, thank you. He's like, we just thanked him. And that's exactly what would have happened to me.

If it was a big guy who did not have a clipboard, who wasn't talking about suing, I would have been like, whatever, whatever you want, sir. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So that's how that went down. Wow. All right, let's give a shout out to our fine song this week from Ken Turetsky. What kind of song do you think that was?

That was a little, it was almost like a Pete Seeger, I'm just going to pick up a guitar and sing some and talk. Yeah, he talks, sang it, and then he hits you with the Jew thing at the end, which I don't know if we if people listened all the way through. But oh, no, I assumed it had a happy ending at the end, which we which we enjoy. What was the Jew? I heard the word which steals the show. But what was the Jew? I heard the word, which steals the show, but what was the context? I think the context is we must make Jewish jokes or something. Well, all right. I mean, our families are half Jewish. Is that the angle? Yeah, right. Once you marry Jewish, then you're fine. I think it's the same thing with like, um, do you think that,

uh, if you marry a black person, can you say the N word? Whoa, I, wait a minute. That went a little far. Uh, I don't think, I, I think I'm going to say no. Yeah. I'm going to say no. Also I'm going to be on record, but you got what Bill Burr is in that position, isn't he? Yeah, sure. Yeah. I don't ever say it. I do not think it would look good on Bill Burr on anyone. Yeah. Yeah. You can't do that. Uh, there was no, uh, there was Jewish jokes. I think we can have at it. There was a, there's a comedy producer who, you know, I don't know if you heard the story this week but um he said the n word and uh whoa i don't know he was saying it he was saying it kiddingly with another comedian who was black you think i'd remember this story and there was a there was a another comic there were a few comics around and he said it maybe he had a few drinks but but the comic had said it and he goes hey how come i can't

say and he said the n-word and then and then he said it again and then they kind of all agreed all right we're not going to make a big deal out of this but don't fucking say it again anyway one of the comics who who uh this guy's a booker he books TV shows and stuff. And they they basically said this one comic who had a gripe against this this booker went out public and like started a fucking whole shame thing towards towards this guy. And he ended up resigning from his job. I I obviously I have not heard this story at all. I mean, that's fireworks, man. Interesting. I'm writing the name into the script right now so you can see it. Tell me if you know him. Oh, I've worked with him. I've hired him. Yeah. Great guy. But wait a minute. He's a really, really thoughtful, empathetic, empathetic guy. I would love to have heard the context. He was

probably asking a very, very honest question and maybe a little misguided could have abbreviated it to the first letter of the word. I think that's exactly what happened but he oh that's a sweet guy though and then what and then one comedian uh this woman who's sort of a uh uh what do you call it a social justice warrior she put out on social media does anybody have any nasty stories about this guy send them anonymously and i'll publish them and then and then a few people did and they put that out and the guys cancelled it all happened in like 24 hours what a joke and she doesn't

confront him of course it's just such a cowardly thing to do confront him especially if you're trying to make headway on the issue and then the people that did it are like try to change him you don't understand. Try to change him. Yeah.

And people are, you understand now he's sexist. He like didn't book female people. And it's like, you know what? It, you, when you're only booking 3% of the people that are auditioning for you,

you're going to make enemies. And anyway, yeah, it's fucking, it's ugly. It's ugly. All right. Um, also we want to thank for our logo. But anyway, yeah, it's fucking, it's ugly. It's ugly. All right.

Also, we want to thank for our logo. Who did the logo? I'll have to get back to you on that. So, wow, what a show. I'm looking at this lineup at Supernova. So, my girls are coming over for Father's Day. If they were truly supportive, they would let me leave them tomorrow night and go to the. That's what I mean. It's not Father's Day.

I want to. You don't understand something. If you want to see big name comics. You, Ian Edwards, Jeselnik, Glazer, Thune. I fucking love all of those people. Yeah, but I was on at the comedy store last night, and it was Jeselnik, Segura, Burr, Marin. It's crazy. The lineups at the store have been insane lately.

Yeah, well, everyone's, you know, they can't wait to get out there. They got to get their reps and everything. You know, everyone's trying to trying to really hurry along specials that clearly they didn't spend the whole pandemic working on like like they thought they would on paper. Right. All right. What's the name of this podcast? The Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers. Let's do it. Welcome, people. What minute? The correction. Jesus Christ, we're a half hour in. We've covered the Jews. We've covered the blacks.

We've covered Father's Day. That's it. We're done. We're done. Corrections came in. This guy, Brian from Texas, said the Irish love ring is pronounced clad-uh, not clad-er. Well, you know why I say clatter? Because I only heard it from my mom and her sisters

who were from the Bronx, and they say soda and they say clatter. So that's why I said it that way. You're probably also, clatter, I would say, I would be like, that is a Boston person trying to say clatter. Right. You got your clatter ring.

And now this one, which we got fucking dozens of corrections on. Oh, my God. You fucked up. And you know what it is? We, I don't mean. But let me say the correction first. No, let's have people guess. The actor in goodfellas

that tells pesci to get his shine box was not dennis farina mike gibbons i know it was frank vincent as billy bats vincent also played tony's arch nemesis in the sopranos phil leotardo he was leotardo was amazing unbelievable all right this is the thing. I'm going to own it, of course. And I know, and I, you know, listen, I knew Farina like pretty well in terms of a showbiz friend. Anyway, or showbiz person, like many dinners. Anyway, it is so his thing. And I could hear his voice saying it. But we actually got a correction. Do you remember that said, you emailed it to me saying, how could you

forget him with shine box and good fellas? And I think if we go back, I actually say that I go, someone noted that. And of course, and then I, I, that's where I screwed up. I said, then of course, yes, he's that, but yes, Frank Vincent. Oh my God. Apologies to the Vincent family. He killed it in that role. Finally, William Sullivan says, you got to the subject of a Danish countdown from 10. Mike says, no wonder Denmark doesn't have a space program, which was a good joke. Denmark is, however, a part of the ESA,

which is Europe's NASA. They also have Danish astronauts that visit the ISS. Blah, blah, blah. Aldo Munoz says Dennis Farina was not in lock stock into smoking barrels. He was in Snatch. Whatever. It's basically the same movie. It's the same movie. I love both

movies. Don't get me wrong. But he was amazing with the, I'm fucking coming out, and you know, the jump cuts of like doing the shot on the plane. London sucks. Yeah, he's great. Yeah. And then this one, I don't know. You want to read this one, Mike?

Not really. Come on. Jesus, a lot of Billy Batts and Goodfellas. No, no, no no the dylan george one dylan george writes mike that's a cool name by the way i'd like to know why you think science has disproven the bible thousands of times in quotes as you said in last week's episode and also would like to know why you're such a a anti-god probably an anti-God, Jesus-hating, self-conscious cunt. Well, first of all, they're not all dependent on each other. I'm a self-conscious cunt, yes.

I wouldn't say I hate. I actually like Jesus. I think I've gone on about that. He was born in Nazareth, not in Bethlehem. He was a fucking rebel, and he believed in violence. And he was a fucking rebel, a righteous rebel. He would have listened to the clash back when he hated the Romans. And he was he was what?

So what is it on the cross? He was crucified, crucified, crucified. You know what the funny thing is? I obviously none of us ever use the word literally like, oh, did you see? On the cross. He was crucified. Crucified. Crucified. You know what the funny thing is? Obviously, none of us ever used the word literally. Like, oh, did you see him take a... He crucified that guy. So anyway, he was crucified, which was standard punishment for a rebel.

Anyway, I'm getting all of this, of course, from the history of Jesus in Zealot, an amazing book. But anyway, I only asked this question because he Googled, has science disproven the Bible? I see zero answers to your claimed 1,000. If anything, science runs in issues that cannot be explained without the presence of a higher power. All this, I'm just reading it. Everything is wrong that George is writing here. Such as, such as space, the human eye. Oh my God. Free will and the odds of life being created from the big bang is something like one person hitting. All right. So this guy defaults to miracles. Anyway, the Bible is riddled with things. I guess the theory, this guy is saying science has theories, right?

So like the theory of the Big Bang. But how about this? God created Adam in 4000 BC. The world population at that time, the science community all agrees, was about 7 million people. Wait, where do you get that God created Adam in 4000 BC? people. Wait, where do you get that God created Adam at 4,000 BC? From God. He said it in the Bible. No, it's in the Bible. That's where they put it about there. And then there was no suitable helper. I guess 7 million people couldn't help this fucking guy, Adam. So he created Eve, couldn't help this fucking guy, Adam. So he created Eve, which might imply that there are other people.

Anyway, it's always, the Bible's always wrong. And then you fucking kill Copernicus because he dared say that the earth was not the center of the universe. The Bible is so ego-driven. Oh, really? By the way, if there is this almighty God, oh, he created us in his image, we're that special.

We're the center of the universe. And you fucking you bring up that maybe we go around the sun instead of the other way around. And you guys want to kill people. It's the worst thing ever. Well, the other way you can get killed is if you were to. I mean, I think it's the first commandment or the second commandment. I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me. Why? If he's God, if you're the God, like if I'm the boss at a corporation, I don't put out a fucking employee manual

that says you will have no other bosses instead of me. No, you're the fucking boss. You're not so insecure that you have to make rules about it. And if you break that rule, you get killed. The Bible also literally says our emotions come from our kidneys.

The sky is made of a hard bronze-like substance. That's in Job 37, 18. And let's not forget some of the characters who lived in a whale and put every animal on an ark. Now, hold on a second. A guy just lived in a whale in cape cod last week it happens what are you talking about you didn't hear about the guy that got swallowed up by a uh a humpback whale in cape cod no yes i can't believe it's not in the in our stories this week all right

we'll talk about it a guy was a lobster fisherman and uh he was out scooping up lobster and this fucking whale was going after some fish and he was in the middle of the school of fish and he got swallowed up and then the whale went down into the water and then he came back up again and he spit the guy out the guy like broke his leg he was all bruised up but he Wow. You mean he didn't stay in there for fucking ever and light a candle in there and fucking chill and live there. Why not? And by the way, their argument, by the way, these, these Bible thumpers is, uh, or people who even like this intellectual exercise is that like, for instance, the example of Adam. They're like, well, technically,

they go to the loosest interpretation of the Bible, which is, listen, God didn't say Adam was the first man. It's like he did. The Bible does say. It's like, nope. He said, you know, in the beginning. Also, seven days. A day could have been 10,000 years. It's like you know, in the beginning, also he didn't seven days, a day could have been,

um, 10,000 years. It's like, oh, okay. So it's gibberish. In other words, it's gibberish. In other words, you can just a day is 10,000 years. Adam's not the first man. Um, and Eve's not the first woman. Like it's just, it's just anyway, it's, and, and by the way, and then their other argument, and then we'll end it here, is what science has is theories, right? So I don't know if you're aware of this, Greg. So gravity is not a fact. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Gravity is a theory. So what I'd like this guy, Dylan George, to do. How about this? I'll wait for a virgin birth. OK, I'll wait for a virgin birth. I'll do that. And you jump off a building and and you you you disprove this theory of gravity. How about that? Oh, way to go, Christopher Hitchens. So our crack producer, after just three minutes of research, found out the name of the guy, the lobster diver, Michael Packard in Provincetown, Mass. So he's a gay guy. Got spit out by another guy. I mean, by a whale. Well, he's a lobster diver. Can you blame the whale? Imagine dressing up like a lobster and diving which is the thing in p-town i think because they're always dressing up all right anyway yes you're right you know what

the bible is scientifically sound totally gay guys have like uh there's different types like you can be a bear like i wonder if if gay guys can be. That's going to be the new thing this summer in Provincetown. Where's the whales? Yeah. I don't think it's swallowed up by a whale. You know, they wanted to burn Copernicus and all. I'm getting back to this. Because the Bible very literally says that the sun goes around the earth. And like, you know, sunrise, sunset.

I know what you're afraid. But anyway, and they really get violent when you would disagree with it. And now they're like, no, it doesn't really say that you're just trying to accommodate it and keep this ruse going. That's what's going on. Right. Just admit it. The Bible has factual. Why wouldn't you admit that? Like what's the defense? And to say science, you're right. And I remember professors telling me science doesn't have a happy ending. And that's why religion is still so popular, because we want a story. Science doesn't even have an ending, never mind a happy ending.

And we want a story, you know, like, listen, my grandmother and same with most of your family, I think she on her her last breaths, She thought she was a few breaths away from seeing my grandfather again. Yeah. Science, all of science will tell her you're about to be fucking worm food lady. Like, so what's, what story is more appealing? Yeah. Yeah. Actually worm food. My grandfather was a lunatic, a violent lunatic. So actually, Worm Food, science had a better story. If anything, that's why she was trying to stay alive, to not see my lunatic grandfather again. Well, or the prospect that you can also go to a fiery hell that you live in forever where you're in perpetual pain.

you live in forever where you're in perpetual pain so i would say if the the given the given catholic if given a choice of life after death or not i would say half of them would say i don't like my chances i'll go with worm food right totally if you had a choice if you thought there was a heaven and a hell. Okay. And heaven is the fucking 92 virgins times infinity. Virgin, virgin, virgin. 92 now. Okay, it's gone down. All right, go ahead. Was it 72? How many virgins do the Muslims get?

Was it 72 or 97? Maybe you're right. It's 72. You know what? After your 60th virgin, I'm sure it gets old. But go ahead. So virgin, virgin, virgin. Drink without a hangover.

No guilt. Who wants to sleep with virgins? Tell me, how about 97 or 72 fucking chicks who are great in bed? Yeah, that's true. Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. This is probably all trite material.

So anyway, if you have a choice of that or the possibility that you are going to be burning, like you've just poured hot water on your hand from a tea kettle, that pain on your body forever, would you take the chance of going to see St. Peter and him deciding where you go, based on how you've lived your life? No, because I know the rules, and I've broken a lot of the rules. What if the rules are your rules? What if heaven and hell are dictated upon your belief system and whether or not you lived within it or outside of it more consistently in your life. Like, you know that you should do charity work. You know that you should not lie. You know that you should help people.

I got it. Have you done that to the point where you think you'd go to heaven or hell? So St. Peter's the doorman. I walk up. This is how it go. I go, listen, I know you got a section in there of good people who could have done better. Just let me in there. Right. By the way, that's the great, that's the, that, that's what I look for in life. Where's the good flawed people. That's the section. It's called the bleachers.

That's where I want to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. General admission. I know I'm not going. By the way, actually, two rows behind home plate where our lawyer seats are. Those seats will probably be available because they're all in hell. Yes, yes. The corporate box, all the corporate boxes. Anyway, whatever. I think hell might be the 72 virgins.

Having to actually deflower 72 women that are trembling because they're afraid of sex and who are probably going to cry during it or afterwards and then are going to text you relentlessly. That's hell. Imagine if it was a giant cosmic prank. And they bleed all over your sheets. The sheets are in heaven. I thought it was just on a cloud. High thread count.

Red clouds. Red cloud would be scary. But imagine if it's just some cosmic prank where like the 9-11 guys, it's like, here's your 72 virgins and they're all dudes, which is like poison to them. Yeah. Yeah. And they're not even they kill homosexuals in a lot of their countries. Right. OK. Would you if you had to have sex with a man? Another question. I've told you about this. I'm less offended by the idea that like that. And that's a terrible sounding thing to say. But if I'm being honest, when I was a teen, I mean, that was the number one drive not to go to jail.

Not that you were going to jail, that you would be, you know, raped in jail. But yes, of course, rape is bad. But in fairness, I think a lot of the teens, teen dudes, yes, it was rape, but I think it was homosexual sex was a giant component of it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right. Absolutely.

It's called scared straight. All right, go ahead. If you had a choice, you have to, with a gun to your head, you have to fuck a guy in the ass. Would you rather fuck a gay guy or a straight guy in the ass? Well, I want to be respectful of him. I probably wouldn't ask. What do you mean? Totally.

Wait, this isn't like an exercise on me weighing the risks of catching something or anything like that. In other words, it's just. No, no, no. No diseases involved. But both guys are going to. Totally a gay guy. A hundred percent. Yeah. Yeah. Totally a gay guy. A hundred percent. Yeah.

Yeah. But that's gay. I think it's less gay if you fuck a straight guy. Odds are it's going to be a lot easier. He odds are he's going to enjoy it more. And I'm a people pleaser and I want and I'd like to see how I stand up. I'd like to I'd like to get some compliments, some notes. He's also, he knows how to prep. I'm not going to run into anything extraordinary in there. I think, uh, yeah. And also he can help me out. He can, you know,

he can tell me what's what. I just think that if you fuck a straight guy, you can walk away from it. God, can you use cleaner language? I know I'm not asking you to move off this topic, but at least make it more palatable for the van of soccer moms. Oh, I was at my high school reunion, so those people listened to it. I was shocked to hear

some of the people that listened to it, and I promised I'd clean it up a little. Oh, really? So get back to fucking gay or straight guys up the ass. Go ahead. Well, it's, I don't know. Go ahead. What was the last question?

I was watching porn the other day and there was a girl was giving a guy a blow job. And then for a moment, she was out of frame and it was just the dick. And I got uncomfortable. And I realized like, none of us wants to see video of a hard erect penis. That feels gay. But as soon as there's a woman's hand on it or her mouth on it, suddenly it's a turn on.

Isn't that fucking weird? No, it is. It is weird. It is because I did once think I was like there was like lesbian porn and all this. And I'm like, yeah. And then all of a sudden it's like, there was like lesbian porn and all this. And I'm like, yeah. And then all of a sudden it's like, whoa, dude,

you need a dick in this, in this picture. What's going on? Have you ever thought of that? And, uh, I didn't let it get in the way, but that thought did come up.

Yeah. Uh, because one dick short here, I need a stranger's dick in this. Cause listen, when it's alone, you're looking at someone else's. When then there's a woman, the whole conceit, the whole psychological conceit of porn is

that's you. Now that's your penis. Yeah. See how I made it cleaner? If she's in it, it's her penis. Yeah. All right. Listen, speaking of stuff our listeners love worst segue ever go ahead how

about sunday the custom lawn care plan that uh turns your lawn into i mean it's literally like if my hair could grow back in just like a few weeks that is what sunday can accomplish for your lawn and i'll spray it with a hose. I'll try it. Try it. I'll try anything at this point. You go out there for 15 minutes on a Sunday with a pouch on a hose. Let me break it down as simple as that. And it's mailed to your door. They know exactly what chemicals. Do they even call them chemicals? No. And they've pre-mixed it. They pre-mixed it, but it's like seaweed and molasses.

It's like all organic. Your pets can hang out on the grass, which is now growing beautifully and dark green on my lawn. It looks better than, literally better than, I've been in this house for 21 years. The lawn has never looked better. Yeah. All unwanted chemicals are out of this thing. It's pre-mixed. We could actually spray it on your head for sure. Or my pancakes.

We could do that too. But listen, it's Sunday morning. It's Father's Day. Clearly, there are some of you who haven't gotten a gift yet. It's this easy. Go online. Do it. And it's an amazing gift. It'll be there soon. And then you can present. That's what I do to my kids instead of an IOU. Why don't you get me this?

Then I got to get a lawn. Well, then you put in your home address and their free lawn analysis tool care takes care of the rest. They use soil and climate data to create a tailored nutrient plan, get all the stuff your lawn needs. Nutrients, not chemicals. I got it from my mom, and it's almost like not even worth talking about anymore just because it's a flawless lawn. She does it, and it's like that's what it is. And here's the thing. We're not even talking about it that much because you're not thinking about it.

It's not an energy suck. It's not a project anymore. It's just, it's like having, it's like not having to paint your house every week. It's like, here's a beautifully painted house. Here's a lawn. No issues. Let Sunday take the guesswork out of a growing,

a greener, more beautiful lawn this spring. Visit GetSunday.com slash papers to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off your custom plan at GetSunday.com slash papers. Mike, it's time. Phew, back to anal sex. Go ahead. 52 minutes into the podcast, let's do a news story. Oh, anal sex. Go ahead. 52 minutes into the podcast. Let's do a news story.

Oh, my God. Extra. Extra. We all about it. Extra. Oh, no. The first story is religion. Oh.

All right. Go ahead. All right. The Roman Catholic bishops of the United States, flouting a warning from the Vatican, have overwhelmingly voted to draft guidance on the sacrament of the Eucharist, advancing a push by conservative bishops to deny President Biden communion because of his support of abortion rights. The decision made public on Friday afternoon is aimed at the nation's second Catholic president perhaps the most religiously observant commander-in-chief

since Jimmy Carter and exposes bitter divisions in American Catholicism this is crazy this is the guy who first of all they did it all on a it was three days of contentious debates at a virtual June meeting of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. 73 bishops on a conference call on a Zoom meeting. You think one of them was jerking off under that dress?

Do you think they have to turn their laptops vertically so the hat can fit in all the Zoom boxes? What a bunch of fucking 73 of them with their dunce caps fucking going against even the pope what assholes yeah and the the biggest and it's political of all things holy okay oh my god i, if I were you're you're going to now personally, you're going to go out of your way. And I mean, out of your way, you're going around the Vatican to stick it to the president. United States. How about. OK. One simple little brushstroke of the pen. You guys are all paying taxes now. Exactly. Right. You're paying taxes now. Exactly.

Right. And also, we're going to actually subpoena your records for all the fucking diddling you've been doing for the last two centuries. And you have a Catholic in there, only the second one ever, and you're going to fuck with him? Yeah. Not only that, they didn't go after Trump. They gave Trump a free pass. This is the guy who was paying off prostitutes while he was in office. This is the guy that's been divorced two times.

You know, cheated, cheated on every wife, serial cheater. Who has paid for so many abortions. I heard this that allegedly, allegedly, but not divorce and not cheating. He has one of those cards where on the 10th abortion, you get one free. Like, oh, I forgot. No, you're right. That's fact. That's fact. He's at nine right now.

So if Melania hadn't hit menopause. Yeah, but Greg, he's on nine on his third card. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. These these bishops with their dumb hats going against the pope. Oh, my God. And maybe it's so typically American political. hide actively like crazy and lie in bios because my dad and mom got divorced when I was four. And according to the benevolent church, you are no longer welcome if you've gotten a divorce. So technically my dad is not a Catholic in the eyes of the church and therefore could not have been the grand marshal. Did I ever tell you this?

No, I didn't know that. He told me not to tell anyone because it was really, really serious. Thank God no one listens to this anymore after we went through all your ultimatums about gay sex at the top of the show. Anyway, yeah, no, that's true. But it gets back to this. If you're divorced, the church is like, no, you cannot receive. So every time my dad receives communion, he's breaking the religious law.

Yeah. Well, how do you think I feel? My mother aborted 12 of my older siblings. I'm supposed to be part of a family of 15. No, and you guys are the ones that got, she tried on you. You three are the ones that got away. Yeah, look at this right here. Look at this scar.

Totally. Cruises, let's talk about it. They're back. A federal judge on Friday ruled that the CDC can no longer stop cruise ships in Florida. It's a major victory for Florida, a cruise industry hub, which had challenged the rules in April, arguing they were crippling the industry and causing the state to lose hundreds of millions of dollars.

There are 13 million cruise passengers and crew members that disembarked in Florida in 2019. I like it. Let them do it. If you want to go on a cruise, go. Because if there's an outbreak, I think they won't let them back in. I mean, it'll be like the San Francisco thing.

You're not going to let this Petri dish dock and disembark all the disease. I know that is a big roll of the dice to get on that cruise ship. You have to know that there's a chance you're going to get stuck in dry dock for three or four weeks in a shit spewing ship with bad food being airdropped and you're sick of your wife. But I mean, people were getting diseases long before Corona on cruise ships. Like they were like infamous for it.

Everyone is massive diarrhea on those things. Maybe we should look at the fact that some things that stopped during the pandemic, we should, we should just say, Hey, that was a good thing. You know,

let's stop cruise ships. They're fucking my, although that's probably my retirement plan is doing jokes on them once I turn 65. Well, they dump so much sewage in the ocean too, which is never really talked about. They are the biggest users of petroleum of anything in the world. What? Yep.

Wow. Cruise ships use more gasoline than anything else on the planet. No, the tankers. I think the tankers probably. You're wrong. Chris Denman, why don't you research it? Good luck researching that one. We'll get back to you in about nine and a half minutes.

He's still thinking about which type of guy he'd want to have sex with. Oh, definitely white. Isn't he researching that? Definitely white. Yeah, it doesn't Isn't he researching that? Definitely white. Yeah, it doesn't matter as long as they're white and have a red hat on. Let's get to some entertainment.

Good Lord, this whole show. I left you to do the story. It's all sex. Go ahead. Jesus, you left me. I left you to do the story. It's all sex. Go ahead. Jesus. You left me. You left me to pick the stories. By the way, all right, listeners,

there were not a lot of fun stories this week. There really weren't. Maybe, I don't know, summer's kicked in, but you asked me to go grab a couple more stories last night. It was dry. I couldn't find much. Yeah, I noticed. Oh. last night i it was dry i couldn't find much yeah i noticed oh apparently batman absolutely cannot perform oral sex on cat woman in the dc entertainment uh hbo max adult animated series

harley quinn justin halpern a co-creator and executive producer of the graphic series told the magazine quote in this third season of harley we had a moment where Batman was going down on Catwoman. And DC was like, you can't do that. You absolutely cannot do that. They're like, heroes don't do that. Amen. So we said, are you saying heroes are just selfish lovers? They were like, no, it's that we sell consumer toys for heroes.

It's hard to sell a toy if Batman is also going down on someone. I like that response, by the way. It's kind of like they didn't even go for the selfish lover argument. They're like, these are toys for children. Yeah. First of all, how great of a lover. Like, how does he go down? How does he perform oral when he doesn't move his neck? He's going to get a tongue cramp.

She can grab onto his little ears. I don't know. I think that headdress is made for it. I'm going to call it a headdress. I wonder if when he goes down on her, he takes the cape and he puts it over her stomach so that she can't watch him going down on her. I thought HBO Max was going to be like, he absolutely cannot cheat on Robin like that. They are a duo.

No one's going to buy the Robin toys anymore. Batman begins, but none of his ladies finish. There it is. Cruise ships. This is from hot off the presses. Cruise ships are not the most environmentally friendly vacation destinations on the planet. In fact, according to the latest cruise ship report card by Friends of the Earth, they might be about the worst.

These floating resorts dump over a billion gallons of sewage into the open ocean every year. Holy shit. A billion gallons of sewage. And not only that, things I'm guilty of. My dad, when the love boat was going on and all that. We went on a cruise when I was little. They pull you up to the most beautiful places on earth, and then they dump out the tourists with all their sunblock and everything,

you know, on the, on the reefs. Right. And, um, anyway, but yeah, the sunblock thing is a pro what are the reefs? That's what I should do is I should take the girls. If I'm like thinking of a place to go, the great barrier reef has an expiration date on it. Now they probably even know when it's disappearing. And we should go see that maybe. Yeah.

Or the Keys. I think the Florida Keys are in pretty bad shape, if not dead completely. Well, they're threatened because they're in the state of Florida also. So we're going to do our TV reviews now. Oh, yeah. I watched Bo Burnham's special last night. I took an edible. I watched it. And then I watched it.

Straight. Yeah. I would say edible is the way to go. I would highly recommend edibles to people. All right. You want to start? Well, I have a lot of respect for Bo. I really do. I think he's a super talented guy. And I think not only as a comedian, but like really good musician and his

musicianship just gets better all the time. He worked in a lot of different styles on this. But the fact that he tracked somebody trying to be creative alone in a room during a pandemic and really pulled it off. Like you really felt it. And, uh, I thought it was really, I, I'm not going to say I laughed out loud a lot. It's not a laugh out loud special. I think it's like a, it's a performance art piece. And I think the song, but I think the songs in it are going to have a life of their own. Like, I think that they are going to probably get millions of views and they're going to probably get on the charts

as, you know, something that's interesting, satirical, good quality music. No, they're not going to get on the charts. I'm not saying they're bad, but I don't think there's that. I'm going to check the chart. Check the charts for us, will you, Chris?

He's still checking the charting, charting on cruise ships. All right. So listen, Bo is incredibly talented. I worked with him when he was a kid. You could see it then. He was blowing up way before I heard of him making that music out of his attic on YouTube

he's wrote and directed that movie 8th Grade which I loved so I'm a fan of Bo Burnham's I would just say the special was interesting because when I see something funny and quality and good and I'm not laughing.

So I didn't laugh out loud once. Right. And that sounds like a really damning thing to say. But I'm not I don't feel that way when I say it. So it's very interesting. And like you, you had said in your review, Greg, that you you know, it's not a laugh out loud type of special, but I think it is for a lot of people. I think like, yeah, I think especially like I've had like some of Sophie and Olivia's friends, like guys, like just be like, have you ever worked with Bo Burnham? Like, Oh my God, he's his last special is the fun. He's the funny. And they really like laugh out loud. And I am not judging them or putting them down. I think you and I laugh at a lot less things because it's our business. So a lot of times we will audibly say that's funny,

you know, and that's kind of thinking about the way they're making it or what. Yeah. We're too close to it. Yeah. And so we will say that's funny and that should count as a laugh. You know what I mean? But I didn't even say that's funny that much when I watched it. So I don't know. It's really interesting to me. Funny music almost never gets me. Like even Tenacious D.

And those guys are legit funny. I kind of couldn't do it. And then someone told me about Flight of the Conchords, right? And they're like, oh my God, they have these really funny songs. I'm like, oh God. Meanwhile, totally on board. Loved Flight of the Conchords. So I haven't figured out what it is.

That's what makes me laugh versus what doesn't, like when it comes to funny songs. And I just think though, this Bo thing, if I were to venture a guess of why I didn't laugh, it's very, very, very, very, very cerebral. It is very cerebral, yeah. That's why you should eat edibles. My son loved it.

He turned me on to it. Him and his friends all loved the special. Yeah. You want to talk about Dave? um yeah you want to talk about um dave so i re-watched the season finale of last year of season one of dave and i i think it's the greatest episode of tv i watched during the pandemic which says a lot that finale just watch it again just Just, Oh my God. And you notice like, it's just rather flawless. I've watched the first two episodes of the new season. That's all that's out. And you know, it's hard. It's it's, I should not have gone back and watched

this episode before these two, which is the finale. It's it's okay. I'm on board. I like him. finale. It's okay. I'm on board. I like him. Ironically, have you seen him? I've seen the whole first season, and I agree that final episode was like, really, really brought the, it brought the season together. It was a, you know, it had a big set piece, the big musical number. It was a great, you can't go back and you can't think about the orgasm of the last time you had sex before you start the foreplay with a woman. Unless you go back and have that great, the same night that you're now going to sample the new ones. But anyway, no, no, it raised my expectations. But he's also on Accutane in this.

Oh, you haven't seen the new one. So he's on Accutane, which I just finished a run of and it and it fucked up my life. But so anyway, it's good because I'm really interested. But it's it's definitely slower. And there seems the first episode is very good. The second one, I thought, was a little bit on cruise control. I thought was a little bit on cruise control. This just in from Chris Denman. Uh-oh. Just after one day of availability,

Bo Burnham's Inside, the songs, the soundtrack album to his new Netflix special, debuted at number one on Billboard's comedy albums chart and number 116 on the Billboard 200. That's as of today. Told you it wouldn't be on the charts. Some of the songs I remember liking, I'm forgetting, what was your favorite song? There was one song I liked. I liked the one about women's Instagram, women's Instagrams.

Yes, yes. But, yeah, I don't know. But you've seen a lot of that, right? But, you know, anyway. Well, it's also incredibly, you know what it is also? There's such a heightened self-awareness and I am not comparing myself to Bo Burnham. He's vastly more talented. Don't get me wrong here. But it reminded me of when I was too self-aware and when I would head off like my lack of vulnerability by calling out that I don't have vulnerability and by beating people.

And he even has a song about criticizing himself first before you can criticize him. He even has a bit about like, so he, it's tough to watch that for me because that's truly not vulnerable. Like you are aggressively working backwards from the criticism you are anticipating coming your way. Right. He even does that. He does a reaction video to himself and then a reaction video to the reaction video, which is literally deconstructing that whole idea. He would hate hearing this, but he's only 30. So I was leaning too much into that area when I was 30 and into my 30s. It takes some maturity to get less hung up on that.

I think it's also he is very much in the zeitgeist of social media, digital entertainment. That's true. And he knows the blowback from anything he does that's not woke. And so I think he was hyper aware of that and kind of heading it off at the pass and saying, well, if I call myself on it first,

then they can't later. And then here's an unfair criticism. I did get a little fatigued watching a tortured guy in lockdown on the pandemic who wasn't dying like over 600,000 people were. Right. And it's like, oh, my God, that that extra room you have up in your house with all the best professional equipment. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a rough pandemic, isn't it? Right. And you're like, good luck. And he's really tortured. Really. Like they'd show him. Yeah.

Like looking like he's in a hospital bed practically from his fatigue and all the pressure of not knowing how to end a special that I can't imagine what he was paid for. Yeah. So there was a little of that, as I said, an unfair criticism. But I bet he got I bet he got three million. Well, so did everyone who died in the pandemic. So I guess I take it back. I take it back. Florida, man. Let's do a little bit of Florida, man. I wish Bo was from Florida. We would have covered it. All right. Gets this politician. The investigation ramps up. Feds mounting sweeping probe into central Florida political scene.

Oh, boy. So, you know, his buddy turned on him. The former Seminole County tax collector, Joel Greenberg, who reached a plea deal last month, has been assisting federal agents in the sprawling probe that has recently revved up its focus on alleged corruption and fraud stemming from Greenberg's time in office, the former tax collector pleaded guilty in May to a host of crimes. It's a nice little packet of crimes, including charges of stalking, identity theft, wire fraud and conspiracy to bribe a public official, as well as sex trafficking.

Oh, yeah. I'll throw that on at the end. It seems like the as well as, I don't know, you're burying the lead there. Greenberg is prepared to hand over evidence and testimony that could implicate Goetz and others. So generally, I put this in there because this article went on in great detail to be like all of central Florida is shitting themselves right now. And it just comes back to you do not want to lift up a stone and take a look at what's under it in central Florida. Yeah, I think it's all going to fall apart. Yeah. Yeah. That Robert Kraft handjob is going to come back to haunt him. You know, just you think about like how many people go to Florida

because they can't stay where they are. It's like the place you go hide. And the politicians that come up there, I mean, do you ever read any Carl Hiaasen novels? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all set down there. I love it you ever read any Carl Hyasson novels? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all set down there. I love it. He just nails it. He just nails. So everybody that's there is unable to be other places because there's there's no law in Florida. Oh, my God. Well, even the two killers in In Cold

Blood. It's like we fucking absolutely mutilated and killed everyone in this farmhouse in Kansas or wherever it was? And it's like, let's go to Florida. Right. What about Ted Bundy? Yeah. Ted Bundy. Yeah. Well, there's that, you know, that.

How about Donald Trump? Where did he end up? Well, there's that famous saying that some anthropologist, I guess, talked about California and he's like, it's as if a giant being picked up the United States by the East Coast and shook it and anything that was loose fell to California. I think the same thing is Florida is like a drain and everything that goes is going down that drain. And then Florida catches the pieces of shit that are too big to go down the drain. Chris Denman just in with this joke. How long until the murderer, Caitlyn Jenner makes her way down?

I like it. There you go, Chris. There it is. Should we go international? Why not? My paper is not very crinkly today. It's a little humid, a little humid in L.A.

It is. We finally got some humidity out here. I know. We needed it. In Spain, is. We finally got some humidity out here. I know. We needed it. In Spain, you know what they got? No. A man has been jailed for 15 years and five months for killing and eating his mother at the apartment they shared in Madrid. Now, did the judge say 15 years and then they said he also ate her eyeball?

And five months. Alberto Sanchez Gomez killed his mother. That's all for killing your mom? I wish I knew that. You kill your mom, that's all you get is 15 years? 15 years and five months. I guess I had to kill her in Spain. All right, go ahead.

Cut up her body and ate her over a period of at least 15 days in early 2019. over a period of at least 15 days in early 2019. He will also have to pay 60,000 euros to his brother in compensation. Because he didn't share? Maybe he gave the less fresh mom to the brother. Did the brother get sick on the mom because he got day 12 through 15? Yeah, right. He got the feet and they had all kinds of fungus on them. 73.

Also very. Oh, cause it's 60. It is round 60,000 to the brother. Sorry. I ate mom. That. All right.

Okay. You think, you know, within a family, don't you think I'm sorry is just enough. Does cash have to trade hands? Maybe the brother was like, 60 euro, wait, I have to pay him? It's like, no, no, no, he's going to pay you.

He's like, but he killed our mom. Like, are you sure I don't owe him? Now, here's a question. If you kill your mother and she has an estate, do you forfeit claims on the estate because you killed her? That's a good question. Because you should put I might change my will. That little clause should be in there. By the way, guys, if you kill me, you don't get it. And if you eat me, you got to pay your brother.

Get it. And if you eat me, you got to pay your brother. Yeah. Well. Oh, yeah, that is weird. So he has to pay 60 euro. But the brother now stands to get all the inheritance if there was some. I don't know. I don't know that that cuts you out. I mean, you know, in some states you can vote as a felon. In other states, you lose your right states you can vote as a felon. In other states you lose your right to vote when you become a felon. Maybe he owes her 60 euro because he ate her jewelry, which was still on her body.

Yeah, I think that's it. That has to be it. Yeah. She probably had a navel ring and a nose ring. The Slayer Rule in the Common Law of Inheritance stops a person inheriting property from a person they murder. Okay.

Wow. And it's named after a metal band. That's weird. The slayer rule? All right. The law works in mysterious ways. Hence, even a slayer who is acquitted of the crime of murder can lose the inheritance by the civil court running the estate. Huh.

So O.J. would not inherit any of Nicole's jewelry, even though he was only committed, even though he was only convicted in civil court, not in criminal court. So he didn't get her sunglasses that Goldman was bringing to her from the restaurant where she left them. There should be a murder museum where you have things like her sunglasses.

Well, all right. There is the Holocaust Museum. The idea of murder museum is not new. Oh my God, we can't go there. Can we, you want to talk about mice? Yeah, let's talk about mice. All right, I'm going to talk about mice, guys, because it's an international story.

Australia has been gripped by a plague of mice. By the way, it's the worst outbreak in more than 30 years. I don't think I pasted it in here, but I guess every like, I think it's like every 15, it's almost like cicadas or whatever, cicada,

whatever they're called. It's this, it happens, like they can count on it. Like it happens every so often. And the reason it happened this year, which I didn't put in here either, is because they've had a rather wet season.

And so all like the silos and stuff and green are at capacity. So anyway, over the past nine months, millions of the rodents have been chomping on farmers crops and chewing through houses. Mouse expert told Vice News people are literally tying strings around their trousers if they're walking through mice because they don't want them running up their trouser legs. Kill me. Fucking kill me. Many have resorted to putting the legs of their beds and tables into buckets of water to stop the mice crawling up. Just last week, a farmer's wife was rushed to the hospital after a mouse chewed her eyeball while she slept. Stealing, by the way, a chapter of that Spaniard's book when he ate his mom's eyeball. By the way, if I was going to eat somebody, I guess

I would start with the eyeball. Doesn't it seem like it might be the most delicious and easy to eat? It's definitely moist, usually. Yeah. But while they're alive, I guess you don't want them looking at you when you're eating their arm. So maybe it's a smart move, you know? Right, right. Right. You should eat their mouth next. Right. So they you don't want to listen when you're eating. You don't want to hear over and over

again. Stop. Yeah. You already have that voice in your head. Yeah. You don't want them stopping you with their hands. So eat the hands, you know. You know, it's like chicken fingers, except it's, it's a human fingers. Yeah. And you don't know to hear, please stop, please stop. You're already hearing that in your head. Cause you know, you're, you're, you're like kind of eating too many bodies that month and you're gaining weight. You know, you shouldn't be eating after 10 PM. Yeah. So eat their mouth off first. All right. So wait, one article I found on this had statistics because I'm like, how can the mice, how can it go from mice aren't a problem this year to the next year? People in America are talking about how bad your mice problem is in Australia. Okay. Here's the explanation. In just three months, two mice can spark a colony of almost 400, rapidly spawning tens of thousands of mice. A mouse can live up to two or three years

and females can start reproducing at just six weeks of age. They can give birth to 10 babies every three weeks, and the mom can get pregnant again the very next day. Damn. What do mice think they are, Irish? Are there redheaded mice? Slow down, mom. My brother is only nine months and one day old and you're fucking pregnant

again. Oh, the, the famous Irish twins. My brother is, I mean, he's born. I'm sorry.

Born again after nine months. What am I saying? My brother is, uh, less than less than 12 months. No, less than. Yeah.

He's 12 months different than me. When you hear about like the Brennans with 12 kids, like, I mean, that is such a long, long time to be kind of constantly pregnant. Yeah, yeah. I mean, women are, they're in pain. They're uncomfortable. They're miserable the whole fucking time they're pregnant.

And you're going to do it for 12 years of your life? Well, Irish women and mice don't complain about it. They just keep crapping them out. That's right. They're doing it for God. So, all right, that's a good example, right? I think that was a pretty funny joke about what do they think they're Irish. I think that was a pretty funny joke about what do they think they're Irish?

Clearly, we laughed and it's funny because we thought it was a good sense of humor to make that joke. That's fully embedded in the fact that we're Irish. Yeah. So it's shocking how different it is if I'm like, what do these mice think they are, Mexican? Yeah. By the way, which also works, another Catholic population that, in my opinion, has way, or just statistically, has a lot of kids and big families that start young. And, you know, it's very similar. And I think Catholicism has a lot to do with it.

But, like, boy, I'm canceled if I said Mexican. Well, now the people that have all the kids now are Muslims. You go to you know, you go to these. What do you call it? Camps in in like Syria. What do you call them when you have a my brain isn't working today? You know, camps where people live, who are homeless, who have fled their countries. Oh, spas. They're called spas. No, they're camps.

Yeah, they're absolutely camps. And they're, yeah, what are they called? What do you call them? Refugee camps. Refugee camps. You go to refugee camps and you get these people that are fucking living by the grace of the U.N UN dropping off a box lunch every other day. And then they have 13 fucking kids. It's insane.

And you could say there's no supplies and it's like, what are they going to do? Practice safe sex? Who's fucking in a refugee camp camp that's what i'm thinking right like if i if i'm if i've had a bad day i'm a little tired in my privileged life i'm like i'm not in the mood like what what is going on there and where are the where are the 12 kids when you're fucking in your little shit tent that's eight inches from eight other tents. How are you fucking? And it's not an exciting new relationship. They're doing it with their wives.

Yeah. I don't get it. Wow. But I think it's a strategy. And I think it's God's will. They're God's will. That's exactly what it is. Kind of like every group's.

It's their God's will. You have to procreate. Right. Christian soldiers. Anyway. to procreate. Right. Christian soldiers. Anyway, just to be clear, the mice are not Muslim. Let's circle back. They're not Muslim or Mexican. They're Irish. it looks like in sports this is our big sports story our one sports story today

ultimate slip and slide is slipping away into the temporary limbo on friday production of the upcoming nbc reality series had been indefinitely suspended following an onset break of giardia. I've had that shit. That is no joke. Whoa. A microscopic parasite that can cause diarrheal disease if swallowed. You know where I caught mine

and my wife caught ours together? Some person's butthole? Florida. That's what I said. Um, so according to NBC press release, the series takes the spirit of the classic backward slide and funnels it into games like human pong,

body bowling, corn hole. I don't, I think they want to get rid of corn hole. Yeah. Following the Giardi incident. Yeah, the feces in Cornhole should not be one paragraph away from each other. And culminating in the big slipper

described as a colossal multi-part slide meant for only the bravest and boldest players. 40 crew members were ultimately affected by the parasite, leaving people collapsing on set due to, quote, awful explosive diarrhea being forced to run into porta potties. There's your show. There's the show. Right. What are you doing? You got a you got a you got a big titted hit on your hands. That's a quote from Network. Yeah. Right.

The winner gets a diaper huge in germany right love it um by the way i've been in 40 crew members wait there must be a there must be a way where technically it's ingested like you're not swallowing it only right like if you get it on your finger and rub your eye do you get giardia well i guess if you get on your finger and rub your eye, do you get Giardia? Well, I guess if you get it on your finger and then you eat food and you swallow it, you get the Giardia. I am shocked during these pandemic times that 40 crew members, because I think they have like all the hand washing stations, you know what I mean? And there's all these places. I know all these productions. I think you might be able to get it from bad tap water.

I think we got it in Florida from bad tap water. Because, you know, Florida doesn't have groundwater. So they have to pipe it in from other places. And so a lot of times they get parasites. From toilets. But I've been in porta potties. It seems to me that every person who's been in the porta potty previous to me had explosive diarrhea. It's on the sides of it. It's on the back.

It's on the cover. It's fucking diarrhea everywhere in porta potties. It's unbelievable. Yeah. It's like when you get on a plane and everyone has these giant wet cobs. It's like, is that just that's what's going on in your life like all the time? Like 30 of you have fucking rolling wet cobs. I mean, thank God I haven't heard them recently, but before the pandemic, it was unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know,

I think we're all, we're all going to be like super sensitized to catching germs at this point. I'll be curious to see if even with the masks off, if flu season is going to be slowed down this coming year, just from people's like awareness of not coughing without putting your mouth over your hand, your hand over your mouth or touching things without washing your hands. I'm curious to see if it'll slow down. I'm going to bet it goes the other way because I think we've built up a little less immunity because no one's been sick at all. So I don't know if you've heard this, but like Sophie has a head,

my daughter has a head cold and another person like canceled plant. So many people have colds. And it's been in newspapers and everything. It's a huge outbreak of colds now that all these groups are assembling again without masks and stuff. And the fact that they're assembling again. Damn. Yep. No, no.

There's a really big thing going around. So I don't know. That has nothing to do with immunity. I think that's just exposure so it says here that Giardia spreads by touching a contaminated surface or through contaminated food or water

yeah so they must have had some bad water on the set wow this is all very scientific so why don't we do some science okay alright So why don't we do some science? Okay. All right. In 2019, a group of scientists and distillers decided to create a bold new type of booze, Atomic, with a K, an artisanal alcoholic spirit made from ingredients grown in the Chernobyl nuclear power plant's still radioactive exclusion zone. The booze itself was not radioactive after the distilling process.

Oh, good footnote. Now, I mean, if you think about hipsters wanting to try, you know, it's all about IPAs and this one has a higher alcohol content or, you know, it's the hipsters love to drink moonshine now. That's a big thing. Yeah. But absinthe was before that. But nuclear booze. I mean, yeah, that's pretty hardcore. So it's just a gimmick, right?

I mean, it's like there's no quality to it. Like they would say Absinthe had maybe a slightly hallucinogenic quality. So there's no like other than all your hair is immediately going to fall out. There's no maybe it's like chemo. Yeah, I don't know. Get chemo and get drunk at the same time. Seems weird. They talked about what type of booze.

They said it was new, but it's not. Well, it's Russia. So you got to guess it's vodka. Yeah. OK. But they say the first batch is finally complete

and all 1500 bottles of it have been seized by Ukrainian Secret Service agents for unknown reasons. I don't know. Maybe because it's an export from Chernobyl. I think any box that says made in Chernobyl, I think it gets seized. No? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think maybe Russian agents are just so used to seizing things. They just out of habit, they just seized it. I don't know.

All right. Well, I'm not going to invest in Atomic anytime soon, I don't think. Although, I like losers. Don't get me wrong, which segues into business. I had a good week with my shorts. Yeah, really. The stock market went down. Not a lot.

I lost a lot of money this week. No, it didn't. Listen, it's still above like 33. It's still all wrong. And it's just because someone said something sensible like, you know, I think interest rates might have to go up for the first time in forever. Well, there's going to be inflation. Yeah.

So we'll see. I'm at like, yeah, this leader, though. Chris is highlighting this. He's at like he's over three. He's like three and a half hundred thousand three hundred and forty nine thousand dollars. That's crazy increase. Yes. We got to follow this guy, find out who the fuck he is.

The last Jimbo, everybody started with $100,000. He's got $385,000. He had, yeah. And then the person, or by your investment strategies, you should be shorting this other guy named Last Craig Jackson, who turned 100 and turned it into 14, which if you think about it, is mathematically a bigger loser than Last Jimbo is a winner. That's very true.

So shorting Last Craig Jackson stocks is the way to go. Olivia's doing well. I think that's an old stat. I think Olivia, my daughter, is in the top 50, I think. You're a little ahead of me. I'm at like 90. I would have done better if I did nothing, of course. I'm at like 97 or something, 8,000 maybe.

You're at 98, and I'm at 99. So July 4th is coming up, folks. We've got almost 400 people playing in this game. So if you want to do it, it's not too late to get in. It doesn't matter when you joined. It just matters how much you got on the 4th of July. You're going to win $100 cash from Sunday Papers. I was just going to say, all right, I'm going to try this week and really make my move.

That would almost certainly result in me going down. So let's see what happens. I'll put some effort in. I own some stuff, but I'll put some effort in. And Mike and I of course are betting $100 against each other. We are? Yes, we are.

I didn't know that. I owe you a that. Hmm. I owe you a dollar from yesterday. You outdrove me by 18 inches. Yeah. All right. What do we got? Historical day.

This day in history. On June 20th, 1975, Jaws, a film directed by Steven Spielberg that made countless viewers afraid to go into the ocean, opens in theaters. The story of a great white shark that terrorized a New England resort town became a blockbuster and the highest grossing film in movie history until it was bested by 1977's Star Wars. Jaws was nominated for an Academy Award in the Best Picture category

and took home three Oscars for Best Film Editing, Best Original Score, and Best Sound. With a budget of $12 million, Jaws took place in Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, was plagued by delays and technical difficulties, including malfunctioning mechanical sharks.

Yep. Did they actually shoot it in Martha's Vineyard? They did. Now I would drive by the site. So it's very easy to see like when he, especially the beach where he runs over and the sun is sailing and the guy, you know, anyway,

that's the scene where the guy loses his leg and it floats. It doesn't float. It sinks to the bottom is sailing. And the guy, you know, anyway, that's the scene where the guy loses his leg and it floats, it doesn't float. It sinks to the bottom. Yeah. Off the sailboat. That was in this little inlet on the way from Vineyard to Oak Bluffs. And yes, they shot a bunch of scenes there.

And then out in the water also. I was in Martha's Vineyard once with a bunch of my buddies from Tarrytown, and we stumbled on a nude beach. We didn't know there was a nude beach in Martha's Vineyard. Oh, yeah, up by Gay Head. Yeah, certainly. Yeah. And I mean, young hotties, like waspy hotties. Yep. But all right. So I've never really done the math. My dad took my sister and I and saw Jaws in the theaters on Long Island that June. So my sister was born in 1968. So she is seven years old.

I think she's six. She's born in November. Oh, so she was six years old. I think she's six. She's born in November. Oh, so she was six years old. I mean, what the fuck? And I'm and I'm easy and I just turned eight. And I remember that scene where he pulls the tooth out of the bottom of the boat and that like and the face, the skull appears the face. I, I must, I think I pissed myself. Like it was, it was horrifying. It's amazing that I love the ocean now and that I have a very like

rational look at the amount, like, uh, forget it. People don't understand what it was like back then in terms of how many people, including myself, would not go in the ocean. I was the same age as you. I was eight years old. Or I guess I'm older than you. I was nine years old. You are always older than me. Go ahead.

And I was nine years old and I did not go in the ocean for a couple of years. Nobody did. That's how fucking scary that movie was. My dad had a condo in West Hampton. It was on the beach on Dune Road. Dune Road is a barrier island off of Long Island. If you go basically

along the coastline 40 miles, it's Montauk. Montauk was Frank Mundus, which Jaws based Quint on. And he had the record for the largest great white ever caught on rod and reel. That's the same ocean we fucking went back to that night after seeing the film. Yeah. Like, it's not like, cause I remember a lot of kids got scared swimming in lakes after Jaws.

Yeah. There was a huge irrational fear. By the way, do you know how many people have the weird fantasy if they swim in a dark pool at night, they get actually a little scared? Oh, I do. What? Yeah. I get scared swimming in a pool at night. I do.

I think something is going to grab me from underneath and drag me under. Right. So instead, eight-year-old me and six-year-old, we're in the soup that has the monsters that in reality have the monsters. The great whites are factually right out there. Have you ever seen a great white? Good question. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. The juveniles I've seen, I don't really count them. They're like six, seven feet.

And they're here in Santa Monica Bay. You've seen them out there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen them. I've been on a paddleboard and I've seen like a crazy shadow down there, but they're harmless. They truly do not mess with humans ever. Huh? Yeah. Speaking of Spielberg, they said that you forget about how many big hits he had. He had Close Encounters two years later. Does anyone forget how many hits he had he had close encounters two years later does anyone forget how many hits he's had

except you raiders of the lost ark three years after that et one year after that jurassic park 10 years later schindler's list the next year saving private ryan five years after that i mean those are like the biggest grossing movies of all time. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. E.T. is magical. There's no two ways about it. But there were other ones

in there, too, that were impressive. He had big ones. What was the Empire of the Sun or something? Was that him? Yeah. Anyway, there are other ones, too. Should we ask Amy? We haven't asked Amy in a while. Empire of the Sun or something? Was that him? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, there are other ones too. Oh. Should we ask Amy? We haven't asked Amy in a while.

Let's talk about 1941, Belushi and Aykroyd. I think he did that one. No, not at all. Oh. Yeah, you didn't list that. Also, his first movie was a bomb. I forget what it was called, but he actually made a movie the year before Jaws. Duel.

What was it called? About the truck? Duel. Is that what it was? I know he had it. But it was very, I don't know. It gets a lot of props now. A lot of people think it was interesting.

I mean, he had zero budget and all that stuff. And it's about a menacing car. It's a little like the shark. A menacing car, like, you know like the shark, a menacing car, like, you know, chasing this guy. It almost cost him his career. Well, you know, he had a nervous break, so he shoots Jaws

and had all those delays, especially with the sharks. And he is flying back to Los Angeles. And he, according to him, basically had a panic attack, a very bad one in his Boston hotel room because he had to spend the night there before flying to LA. And he thought his whole career was over. And it's because of the footage in the cans that he was traveling back to LA with. And to his credit, he wasn't imagining things.

It could not be edited as it was scripted because they did not, the footage of the shark when it was working looked bombastic and ridiculous, and they couldn't make the movie that they wanted, and they had to entirely delay the first visuals of the shark. And that was the magic. Yeah.

Right. Accidentally just leaving it to your imagination. And there was no such thing as done on, done on, done on. Cause they hadn't shown the footage to John Williams yet. And then when they were editing, they needed things.

And you know, he had that amazing editor. I believe it's female editor. And I think I think if I have this right, they actually shot some footage in her pool to help to help the cut. So it was really created in post in many ways. So it's an interesting story. in many ways. So it's an interesting story. Oh, shit. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. We want to do this Ask Amy, huh? Yeah, let's do it. Why not? I don't even remember it, so I'm just going to read it blind. Dear Amy,

my sister and I have recently found out that our father has been seeing a woman who is not our mother. Our parents' marriage over the last 15 years has not been much of a relationship. They are more like roommates just living in the same house. We get what roommates means. They don't seem to fight, but we observe a total disinterest in each other. Years ago, I remember my mother saying that we are not a family who divorces. We would like to tell our father that we know about this lady friend. We would like to encourage him to pursue a life with someone who has made an obvious improvement in his life. He has seemed happier over the last year and we support any change he might make.

We love our mother, really? Of course. Yeah, of course. But she does nothing to be a couple with our father anymore. Sadly, couples therapy did not help because our mother did not want to change anything. She probably wants to change her daughters. I think if you ask that. We also think our father would not make any move to separate or divorce without our input. I think you're inflating your importance in this role. As we are sure he would think that we would think less of him, which is not true. Is it our place or responsibility to encourage at least one of our parents to be happier? Signed, Sympathetic Son and Daughter. She accidentally CC'd her dad and mom on this one.

The mom's reading this in the paper like, wow, that sounds a lot like us. I could see that. Daughters always take the father's side. Daughters can't stand their mothers half the time. And they and they they feel for their dads. But. Where does girl code go, though? I mean, there's cheating going on. So, I mean, there's cheating going on. Yeah, the daughter's overlooking a lot. You know, but it sounds like the mother is a very frigid woman. You know, she's not, they're not sleeping together.

She said, we don't get divorced. Yeah. I don't know. A lot of roommates tag each other. Maybe she's just rigid, not frigid. Yeah. But no, I don't think. A lot of roommates tag each other. Maybe she's just rigid, not frigid. Yeah. But no, I don't think they're having sex over the and it's only over the last 15 years. It's been not much of a relationship. Yeah. I don't know. But it seems like why not encourage your father to step up and be honest? Yeah.

Well, I think that's what she's saying, isn't it? You really think the mom, yeah, I guess. You really think the mom doesn't know? The mom knows for sure. I think so too. Yeah. I've been having an affair for not 15 years. That seems wrong.

Right. But Erin is totally aware of it. You assume, right? I'm assuming she knows about it. She has to be. All the texts during dinner and stuff. Yeah. When she's talking to her boyfriend about it, she gets kind of, I can hear like jealousy in her voice sometimes and he gets angry.

Yeah. like jealousy in her voice sometimes and he gets angry so yeah and when you're there taking your little sexting selfies with your dick out by the sink next to smaller bottles of toothpaste to make yourself look bigger she has to wonder if she's not getting those texts who are they for?

honey where's the airport bottles of booze? totally Who are they for? Honey, where's the airport bottles of booze? Totally. Where are those cans of Coke Zero? You know the eight ouncers? Where are those? Here we go. A couple letters to the editor. I can't wait.

It's kind of like corrections. Joanne, I really seem to have a crush on these guys. Hey now! We still got it. I think you read that last week, actually. This guy said, Matthew Troncholetti says that episode one of HBO's Hacks features a Krungbin song called Evan Finds the Third Room.

And by the way, I've completely come around on Krungbin. They're on my playlist. Listen to them all the time. I'm glad you're open to things at your age. I try to tell you I wouldn't have wasted the listener's time. And now I'm painting myself as Mr. Early Adopter. I didn't even realize they did Texas Sun with Leon Knowles. I mean, like, you know, I loved that song last summer,

and I did not realize it was Krungbin. Hey, Fitz Gibbons. First off, love the podcast, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah. Last week I didn't have a chance to watch, so instead I listened in my car, and it was an awesome experience I thought you'd like to hear about I want to hear about it I was down bad one night and needed some sexual

healing not having any FWB what does that mean friends with benefits I think I decided to look up a massage place witchy bitch I looked up a massage place. Or a fucking witchy bitch. Good.

I looked up a massage place in town. Lo and behold, I found one, and they were still open at 9.30 p.m. So some beautiful Asian pussy, and $300 later, I felt the need to cleanse my soul of the dirty acts I just performed. Is this? All right. This is, okay, keep going. I in i'm i do want to see where this is headed so i drove around aimlessly with your pod playing in the background while i second

guessed my life decisions also waited in line at jack-in-the-box for 45 minutes but it has never tasted better as i drove to nowhere with the windows down listening to you guys read the paper. It was a spiritual experience and I needed it. Thank you. Not sure if it fits in the show, but I know Greg will appreciate any story with Asian pussy in it. What? That's not me. I'm not that guy. He hit you with that one. Well, does pussy mean feet? Rich and lonely in Lodi, California. So this guy's rich. I guess $300 to get a hand job. That's a good way to lose your fortune there, Rich. So you're not insulted by this letter?

What, that he gets hand jobs and then listens to us? Well, no. I think what's just been recounted to us is he is feeling like a piece of garbage and to feel better, he compares him, he listens to us and I think it lifts his spirits

because he's like, you know what? I'm not that bad. Like, for instance, when I used to party really hard, when something's life-affirming, I would look to Keith Richards. Well, at least I haven't had to have my second blood transfusion because I polluted my body that bad. This guy's looking to us to be life-affirming.

At least I'm not those guys. No, it's like cheaters. Cheaters is on on Saturday night, starting at one o'clock in the morning because people want to watch that and feel better about themselves and their own relationships. Yeah. This guy's going to keep writing us letters like, listen, I gambled away. I lost my house and I lost my car. But I, uh, so I listened to you on a Walkman while I stood in the drive through at Jack in the box for 45 minutes. And you know what? I'm not doing so bad.

I'm not doing so bad. Yeah. All right, guys, they let me listen to you in the mess hall of this prison. And I got to tell you, after being in solitary for the last three weeks, I'm not doing so bad. But, you know, I'm in solitary, but I'm not medicating my moods. I don't have I don't have to take a fucking pill for my skin.

I don't set up and talk to set up St. Louis on the line to record my hypotheticals of having sex with a gay butthole versus a straight one and expect people to listen to it. I still think I'd rather do it with a straight guy because if it's a gay guy, then he's, he's like, now you're, you're, you're both gay. Wait a minute. How does that not apply to the straight guy? Because the straight guy doesn't want to do it and you don't want to do it. So you walk away and you both, you never talk again.

But if you're in the grocery store and the guy that you fucked up the ass, who's gay, is standing in line in front of you, he's going to turn around and high five you and giggle. I like how they're still in front of you, no matter what scenario you come up with in your head. I thought you were going to say, if you do it with a straight guy, only he's gay because he was on the receiving end,

which is kind of the mafia prison rules. And I think I shouldn't just, not just mafia. I think it's also rules for rappers and athletes. And maybe Tom. We don't have to go there, do we? We have a gay friend and he says he does not receive. Now you're not saying his name as if you didn't say it.

I'll just call him our friend. So anyway, Tom doesn't receive. I don't really ask him the details like that. Is that, uh, that's the case then? Well, I know he's self-conscious about certain things. So yes, I actually, I now I think you're right. Yeah. All right, let's get to some funnies. I don't know. Pretty funny stuff. The, uh,

being forced to have sex with a guy. All right, go ahead. Uh, Kathy, we haven't done Kathy in a while. And, uh,

you have to check in and wonder America's fascination with the most fucking anti-feminist, pathetic, self-loathing, insecure woman. Why anybody wants to read a comic strip about her every week? But here it is. OK. She's on the couch. She's got this cute little stuffed animal. I don't know if it's a dog or is it a stuffed animal? I jumped ahead to the last panel, which is the fourth panel and it's thinking. So I think it's

a real dog. All right. So it's a dog and she's in her pajamas with a heart on the chest because she's all about love that she can't find. And she says, you're here when I'm tired and cranky here, when I'm busy and preoccupied here, when I cry here, when I scream here, when I rant and rave, you're here at my best here at my absolute positive worst. You are the definition of love itself. And then she's out of frame and it's the dog sitting on the chair and he goes, I can't reach the doorknob. she's out of frame and it's the dog sitting on the chair and he goes i can't reach the doorknob i think whoever writes this shit cartoon finally caught on that that's the listener that i i have to read the funnies in the sunday paper and i can't look away from kathy there's for some reason because it's between the lockhorns and Doonesbury, I have to read Kathy. I can't reach

the doorknob. It's against my religion to kill myself. That's basically what the dog is thinking. I've shit on her pillow. I've pissed in her pajamas. She doesn't seem to be getting it. And newsflash, you bitch. Everything I go through is seven times, seven times longer than it seems to you.

Time is different for us, you wench. Speaking of time going slow, a little family circus. I honestly can't even. So if I were to pick out one as an example of friend there and and they're both standing over the sleeping dog by his dog house. Right. And he has a collar and a chain. So the dog's outside of his dog house. And the kid is like pointing down at the dog. And he says he's a good watchdog when he's awake so the dog's sleeping and the line is he's a good watchdog when he's awake oh honest um you know in fairness i missed the meaning of one of these ones and you corrected me and other people. Am I missing something here? I'm trying to figure out what the joke he's going for is. Is it that if he was a good watchdog, he would be awake? Did he tell the kid, I have a really good watchdog? But even then, is that not nothing? Is Jeff Keen a good comic strip writer when he's trying? These are all conundrums.

I mean, couldn't he point to the doghouse and be like, it's like our house, but smaller. Like, these are nothing. These are nothing things. There's nothing. Did you watch the video that somebody emailed us of Jeff Keen being interviewed at a convention? No, wait, that exists. Oh my God. He, I assume he's the happiest person on planet earth. You got to watch it. Challenges. Well, he does not seem happy at all. Really? You can literally see his father's shadow cast upon him as he's being interviewed by this girl who's from like a community college. It's like it's like the most lo-fi shitty interview.

And she asked him every question that you would guess somebody would. He's been asked these same five questions over and over again his entire life. And we're going to pull clips from it and play it next week because it's fucking genius. And if it makes any consolation to you, Jeff Keen lives in hell. Okay. I now have. I am painting a scenario in my head with all newfound respect here. I have figured out family circus. Finally. What are we a year and a half into this?

I figured it out. This is what it is. Jeff Keene is a diseased degenerate gambler. He has, he owes the mob money and the mobs like you're fucking writing 20 of these today. And then he scribbles down like he's fucking they punch him in the face. They tie him to a chair in the basement and they give him a fucking pencil and like write this. And he's like, he's a good one. And then they're like, perfect. That's going out. He's like, that can't go out. It doesn't mean anything. That's nothing. It's going to ruin my brand. Fuck you and your brand. You're sending it to the syndicated newspapers.

And he's like, but they're going to reject it. They won't. They haven't rejected anything yet. Fucking come up with another non one right now. It's a rough draft. I didn't come up with the punchline yet. That's just the premise. All work done on premises.

Fine. That's it. No work on punchlines you're gonna love this interview it's uh it's it sums it's gonna let you almost forgive him for what he's done um speaking of forgiving i can't forgive dagwood bumstead for what he has done for the life that he's ruined the fact that he asked blondondie to marry him, you would think would have come with the responsibility that he step up his game, that he dressed better,

that he fucking fix his hair, that he tried to get a raise. He doesn't do any of that shit. And then somehow Blondie is so dysfunctional that she assigns him value that he doesn't really have. So they're sitting in the living room. And as usual, he's faced away from her. She's reading a book. He's reading a newspaper.

The weirdest setup ever. And so she says, do you remember my roommate when you and I started dating? He goes, I doubt it. I doubt it. I guess that's better than the hot one. So she goes, you don't remember the bubbly blonde beauty who was always flirting with you? And he goes, isn't there a statute of limitations on certain memories? And she goes, no further questions, your honor.

First of all, where did this come from? Why is Blondie hanging on to that? Are you worried that you're going to lose Dagwood? That this woman's going to swoop back in and grab this fucking zero off the blook where he is resting from the job he doesn't work at? You're good, Blondie. Don't worry about your old roommate. I'm sure she's doing much better.

And what is Blondie's point in the last frame? No further question. In other words, you see I told you he remembers her? That's what happened there? She seems to be accusing him of holding on to some memory of her roommate, which, first of all, you know, your your girlfriend's roommate is is sexual fantasy fodder. You are going to think about have you ever had a girlfriend that had a roommate? Yeah, of course. I had sex with my college girlfriend's roommate.

Oh, all right. I didn't know we were bragging about what good sort of moral souls we were. Okay. I had no morals. I had no morals back then. Wow. Interesting. When did you have sex with the roommate?

I don't want to get into details in case my ex-girlfriend is listening. It wasn't in the past few years? We were in college. Wow. I don't know that story. Was your girlfriend home? Oh, my God. No.

All right, let's leave it there. She had just left. She had just left. And I switched beds. I got into the other bed. Well, what's up with the girlfriend? There's a lack of girl code in this whole podcast today. I know. I know. That's who I'm blaming. has today. Yes, I know. I know. That's who I'm blaming. In this story, that's who somehow gets blamed. How could she enable you like that? Why did she not enforce your morals? Yeah. So weird. Yeah. Those were the days. Those were the days. All right. All right, listen. Did you do this thing? We did it. I'm sorry if my energy faded at the end. I started to lose my coffee buzz. Yeah, my drugs are wearing off.

But I was chatty, I guess. Yeah, I think we did it. I think we did it. I think we did it. I think we got through it. We have a couple things to talk about off air. Like I'm going to tell you the story about the college roommate. And I'm going to tell you, and we're going to talk more about the guy who got canceled this week, the talent booker.

Imagine if we put that on a paid podcast, whatever that thing is called, Patreon. Patreon. I think with that tease, everyone would tune into that. Yes. Yes. Well, who knows? Anything can happen in the future, Mike. Maybe. Yeah.

Maybe we'll stop just hemorrhaging money to St. Louis for random fax once in a while. Faxes and quotes. This guy's got to eat. All right. I got some tour dates coming up. I'll be announcing them next week. For right now, I'll just say come out to Supernova tonight or Thursday the 25th, I believe it is.

Get your tickets at Eventbrite. And also, don't forget the Grapefruit Simmons T-shirts available on my website. They're not on sale, but it's a very reasonable price, $19. And, Mike, anything you want to promote? Oh, you know what? I forgot to talk about my high school reunion at the top, but we had so much banter up top. I'll talk about it next week because it was really, really, really – they're a very funny group of people. And the reunion was canceled, but a bunch of us met and this guy has this awesome barn and he hosted a

dinner for like 40 or 50 people. But there were some teachers there and it's interesting. All right, save it, save it. I want to talk about it in full next week. I want to do it full justice. Well, when I hear about you cheating, maybe I'll tell you off, you know, off air, this off air podcast, guys, sorry you're missing it. It's going to be pretty great. It's called a friendship, people. You guys should try one. Oh, now you ruined it.

I don't like thinking about it that way. That's a lot of pressure. That's responsibility. All right. We got to thank Midcoast Media. As always, Chris Denman did a fine job, scored a couple good jokes, did some outstanding research. And the anti-Semitism that he jumped on was restrained. It wasn't bad this week.

Yeah. It was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Mike. We'll see you later. We have to muster some energy just for the sign-off here, don't we? Oh, my God. All right, this was fun.

Wait, what month is it? It's approaching the end of June? Yeah. Well, what's going on? Is anything going on we can wish people luck with this week? We can say happy Father's Day. Yeah. We can say happy Vernal Equinox, which I believe is tomorrow.

I bet a lot of dudes are listening to this on Monday because Father's Day, hopefully, they had stuff to do maybe. Either honoring their own dad or the memory of their own. How's Father's Day for you? How was Father's Day for you at the risk of spending another minute on this podcast? How was Father's Day for you the first few years after your father passed? Well, the first year was tough because Father's Day for you the first few years after your father passed? Well, the first year was tough because Father's Day was like two weeks after he died. But I remember when we were in college, our dear friend Kevin Lynch,

his father died on Father's Day while we were in college. Whoa. I remember him dying. Yeah. Maybe it was a year out of college, but I think it was actually in college. I think it was our senior year he died. Wow. And I remember trying to reassure him and really not knowing what to say. And I was so upset by it that I wrote my dad a letter telling him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me because I said, I just can't imagine that Kevin has regrets that he didn't tell his father how he felt about him and now he's gone. And so I wanted to tell you. And after he died, I found the letter in his desk drawer. That's amazing. I mean, what a difference. I'm not even trying to be funny here.

That story could have ended after your dad you found that letter in your drawer unmailed you know what i mean yeah you're right right right and instead i mean what a world you i you've told me that before what a world of difference yeah and that it and that it meant something to him this is when you add and it was unopened it was unopened uh yeah all right denman just wrote uh because we asked like what could we look this week what could we sign off with he typed in the script support a black business for juneteenth lololololol why would he write the lols mike he didn't write LOLs. But that's kind of what I saw there, even though he didn't technically type it in. But why is he like that? Why are all minorities a joke to him?

If you want to celebrate Juneteenth, look up a bit that our friend Neil Brennan does about the day that the slaves found out they were free. And it's like a kind of a, I don't know if they ever shot it as a sketch, but it's basically from the point of view of the slave owners when they have to tell the slaves that they're free. Okay. So you heard it from Greg Fitzsimmons in honor of Juneteenth. Celebrate a white comic. Go listen to Neil Brennan.

All right, kids. We'll see you, Mike. Take it-ish! Take it-ish! Take it-ish! I opened up the Sunday papers for perspective on the news And I heard two funny men in midlife crisis

On the Sunday papers pages no one's angry or confused Safe inside their happy place just talking shit about the Jews.