Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 70 7/4/21

Episode Date: July 4, 2021

Mike Zooms in from NY to talk about Cosby’s new standup tour dates, a Florida Man skulled by a medieval Axe and misadventures with Andy Dick. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime 

all right you're gonna start screaming or what read Read all about it. Read all about it. People are back. The ex-president's back in the news. The ex-comedian who likes to give the girls the jugs. Mike Gibbons. How are you, man? Welcome to Sunday Papers. What's that?

You look cozy. You look very cozy. Why don't you tell our listeners where you're coming from? I'm in a den. We just tried. This is the second start of the podcast because there are lamps behind me. Third start of the podcast. I'm in a den.

My audio is literally propped. I can't even do it. I'm going to lose everything. Propped up on a Winston Churchill book. It's a little recorder. We apologize in advance if the Zoom freezes. I have, let's call it cabin Wi-Fi. And also, I don't have my

regular microphone. Why didn't you bring your microphone? Because I don't check bags, and now I'm going through JFK with that microphone and the cord you gave me, which is roughly 16 feet long. Okay.

Because you're Roger Daltrey when you do stand-up at Chuckle Hut and you don't bring your own mic on stage. Yeah, I like to get a little sexy with the mic cord. You know, whip it around a little bit. There's also this thing, you should check it out. It's called Amazon.com. And what do I do there?

I think they just started carrying microphone cords on that. Oh, I'm going to lose even more money on this podcast by buying a microphone cord? All sizes. Great. Let me read. Let me let me invest more in this project. The sad thing is everyone here in New York, we're here family. By the way, we're having a dinner party. 30 people are coming over in an hour and a half. And so I'm not helping at all.

I put Laura in charge. She has to go to town and get ice, my sister. And the kids are here. And anyway, but we're doing it. You're unbelievable. So you know you have this time constraint. You ask us to meet early. So I rush off the golf course.

I skip lunch. And then we spend 45 minutes while you put stuff in the script you haven't done and work on technical issues. Listen, I loaded some jokes in there. I'm ready to go. All right, good. And I'm sorry about, that sounds like a rough Friday for you. Sorry about the interruption. Rushed off the golf course. By the way, Dennis Gubbbins very upset about me bad mouthing him last week about not paying me back for his missed tea time that's what he's upset about he's he's

really got to pick his battles oh my god we need to we need to have a long talk he said i don't think it would be that long and it wasn't a long time. Like, that might have been it. Dennis can't stay mad. That's why we love him. Dennis is incredibly lovable. If you are white and got your vaccine early, you especially love him. Oh, yeah. If you think the government is reaching into your pockets,

Dennis Gubbins has an opening in his foursome for you. All righty, pal. How are you? How's L.A.? Well, I want to hear more about where you are. Are you up in Carmel, New York? So we came out here, I don't remember, the last podcast. I was right before I flew to New York. Went to Long Island.

Went out to the Hamptons. It was great. Really great. It was humid, but it wasn't crazy hot out there. Although it was pretty hot, but you're by the beach, you know. And man, the Hamptons is a zoo. And the locals, and we know some locals out there, really resent because so much of New York City moved out there right and it's so busy and so anyway there's this thing my stepbrother is out there and he's a fisherman out in montauk but he he calls it i think everyone calls it the trade parade so you're already out there you're familiar with west hampton beach yeah you're in west hampton to go to east hampton 90 minutes. Wow. It's one road.

The problem with the Hamptons is it's one fucking road. Well, even the alternative roads, Waze has ruined it. I remember when Google Maps, I guess, was the first to come out. All the locals are like, great, they found our shortcuts around the main drag and stuff. But it's all, it's called the trade parade because all the workers, the sheet rockers, the gardener, everybody going out there, especially for all the building and renovations for people who have like, you know, bought all these homes. So, and then it comes back the other way,

beginning at 3 p.m. Like it's really hard. You know, it's hard enough during summers, but now it's really hard. You know, it's hard enough during summers, but now it's especially crazy. Well, so we started a Patreon for the people of West Hampton. If you guys want to help support, give them some money, just not for anything in particular, but just to make them feel better during these hard times. Yeah, let's help the people out in the Hamptons.

That is rough if you're a worker, because most of those workers probably live in Queens, so they have to drive the entire length of Long Island to get out there, and then they hit that traffic on top of it. That's probably a two-and-a-half-hour commute for them. It used to be like fishermen, like you'd see five, six in the morning, you know, heading out towards Montauk, and now it's all like pickups of, you know, workers. And yeah, it's it's it's really bad. I know you see it.

You're like like some foreman should like rent a house, you know, for all his workers or something like that. You know, it's it's terrible. Right. I can't imagine how many hours they're in the car, honestly, both ways. Yeah. So anyway, New York trip. So then we left the Hamptons, left Long Island, and came up here. Today is Friday.

We came up here on Thursday, yesterday, to upstate New York, not that far at all, near Brewster, where it's all lakes. Went on a great hike. I posted on Instagram this hike. So we went to this tower and the tower has crazy, crazy views. And inside the tower, of course, is graffiti. And so, you know, some of it's really inspiring. One was like live life to the fullest. And then I jumped.

There were a couple of inspirational ones. But live life to the fullest. And then so then I jumped. There were a couple of inspirational ones, but live life to the fullest. Next one. My father ate my ass and I'm scared to tell people. And I'm like, well, that's an anomaly. Let me get back to the, you know, some sort of metaphor on, you know, on land. And then it's my asshole is filled with horse cum. And on and on. Well, the guy with the asshole filled with horse cum should meet the other guy's dad,

because maybe he can clean it out for him. Surprise, dad. Gotcha. Did you see the Son of Sam, by the way, the Sons of Sam documentary? We talked about it, right? We've talked about it. I still haven't finished it. I'm where I was, but I'm still so amazed by the B-roll of New York City.

Yeah, but also the sort of fort that they found that they were all hanging out in. Oh, I did see that. Upper West Side or wherever? No, it was up in the Bronx, up in like Frog's Neck. Oh, that's where it was. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So last night I saw your friend, I did a comedy show, and I saw your friend David Spade.

We did this show, I forget what the name of the place is, but they're doing these outdoor shows at this really cool space in Hollywood. Yeah. It's on like Hollywood and Vine. Wait, i'm trying to look up the name of it and uh at the whitley yeah exactly the whitley yeah and so the lineups are fucking crazy it was like uh me david spade nick kroll uh tom segura last night bill burr tom segura like all on the same show it's amazing um so so anyway i'm there and i'm talking to spade and of course spade is there with like fucking like four hot he is always with three to four beautiful women who are cool well-educated into arts like like create like fucking and then he

just is like and then he just bails he's like all right i'll see you guys later i'm gonna head out right probably to go to another place with four other beautiful women right no he's like a little cult leader it's like it's like it's like a benevolent manson with his family yeah yeah of women worshipers you're right he would hate this conversation he's super modest about i mean he likes he likes knowing that reputation's out there but he does nothing any longer to stoke it kind of yeah he's the greatest guy he's such a fucking sweetheart how was the crowd crowd was awesome the, fucking, she ate it hard. It was brutal. Oh, no.

Which, as a comic, does nothing I enjoy more than walking onto a smoldering stage. Because they're so relieved when your first joke works. Yeah. And then you just ride it. You can just ride it out. Oh, good. And, yeah, it was fun. Nice.

So before the show, I got there early because I was leaving from Venice, and it's like I've got to go to the other side of Hollywood. So I left extra early, and I got to the show like a half hour early, and it's in a really bad neighborhood. It's like all like transvestite prostitutes and fucking homeless people. All right, trigger warning. Trigger warning. Sounds like a lot of judgment there.

Go ahead. A lot of judgment. And so I parked my car like a block away on a side street, and I decide I'm going to meditate because I had a crazy day, and I was really like spinning out. So I go, all right, I'm going to sit. A middle-aged man sitting alone in his car around transvestites. Okay, trans people, by the way.

I don't even know what to. Okay, go ahead. What could happen? I think trans stands for transportation. He's by the way. I don't even know what to... Okay, go ahead. What could happen? I think trans stands for transportation. He's in a car. I'm going to go... So I'm meditating in the car, and all of a sudden,

this guy starts hitting the side of my car with a bottle, and he's going, he's going, he's going, you give me some motherfucking money. You don't sit there and pretend to sleep. Stop pretending to sleep.

You wake up, he's washing your windshield right so i just rolled down the window i was like i was like hey man i'm fucking meditating and he goes uh he goes oh sorry man my bad and he walked away only only in los angeles would that fly? That excuse. Oh my God. That's perfect. Because the thing is like people in LA are so, oh there's homeless people. Oh what about the homeless? Even in Venice, what about the homeless? We lived in New York City.

I don't get fucking freaked out by some people living on the street. You know, they're normal. They're mostly normal people. You can talk to them. There's a lot. I don't know. I find there's more mentally ill than in our days in New York,

based on the amount of people, like, screaming at me. And, yeah. Where are they screaming at you? In Santa Monica? Yeah. Are you that dude from the Sunday Papers? You know, I get that everywhere. They look homeless.

Maybe they're just hipsters. I don't know. They sleep in a tent and they listen to podcasts all day long. Yeah. Did you hear about the shout-outs that Tom O'Neill got this week? Dude, that's more than a shout-out. That was a two-minute—you couldn't write and create with unlimited money in casting a better advertisement for his book Chaos than that two-minute clip I saw of Tarantino on Rogan.

And Tarantino talking about, well, first of all, he was on Marin two days before that. Right. Talking about chaos with Marin, calling it the preamble to all other Manson books. And then he goes on Rogan

and they do a fucking love fest on it for a couple minutes. His book sales must have gone through the roof this week. I'm wondering. I know you can check on Amazon. So yeah, check it out. And when you're on there, buy it.

And then I'm going on Rogan on July 27th. Or I'm recording it the 27th. I don't know when it goes up. And I know it'll come up on that. So we'll get another bump then. So you're down in Austin on the 27th? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I want to get down there. I want to check it out. We'll see if people are still traveling as much. Well, I don't know what's going on with this Delta variant. It seems serious. Jesus. It's obviously serious.

But, I mean, it seems like more serious than I thought. Yeah. Now they're advising us now to wear masks indoors here in Los Angeles. I don't know if they're doing it in the rest of the country. Long Island, I can tell you what was surprising to me and my girls was the no masks by employees in a lot of places, like even CVS and stuff. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So even pharmacies, which we ran in there to get sunblock and stuff like that.

And in restaurants also. Yeah. So, yeah, that was surprising. That's different than L.A., right? There's still all service industries still wearing masks there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So that. But, you know, once again, I think I said this a couple of weeks ago after I was in the Berkshires, uh, people out here are like just shocked to hear how LA was not like New York. They really thought it was like, we got hit like New York did a bit later and just how, you know, it, it's just so unfairly, you know, hit the poorer neighborhoods in L.A. Like on the West Side, everybody in New York knew someone that died. Everybody.

Not the case in L.A. Not the case at all. Right. And sadly, it just disproportionately slammed more socioeconomically challenged neighborhoods. So anyway, there's that. Jesus. What do we got? What do we got going on here?

Well, what else? My niece was just out here with her two friends. She graduated SUNY Oneonta this year. Party school, and they partied on the way out there, right? They call it SUNY Stoneyonta. Oh, wow. And they opened their door, and it was just a fucking cloud of smoke came pouring out. Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Yeah, they got a beer bong that's got stickers in every state. They did a beer bong in every state they went through. I think they got a DUI in each state as they came across. That was their goal. And, you know, partying with my kids, and I took them out to a big comedy show they got to see a bunch of uh big comics and uh we went to we went surfing we did morning yoga on the beach on sunday morning after they were out till four in the morning on saturday i made him get up and do yoga on the beach wow barbecues it was great we had such a

good time great nice my niece is so fucking cool she's got a bright future ahead of her if she can just sober up a little bit what's the plan they are in san francisco now and then they were supposed to go to yosemite but they got Yosemite is enforcing a vaccination thing. And I don't understand. I thought they were all vaccinated. They must be vaccinated, but maybe they didn't have their cards. They didn't bring their cards with them.

And so they can't get into Yosemite. But then they're going to hit like South Dakota. They're going to stay in Owen's apartment in Chicago. He's got like a fiveroom apartment and most of his roommates are gone. They'll stay there. There's a lot of vaccination stuff I'm noticing out here. He can't do this.

Some golf course can't play unless you're vaccinated. Stuff like that. It's definitely happening. People will make noise about that. Boy, these latest stats on the unvaccinated. Oh, boy. The unvaccinated and how hard they're getting hit by this Delta variant, you know? Yeah. Well, I got to say, I don't have a lot of pity for them, you know, get vaccinated, get get vaccinated or take the consequences.

I mean, what am I going to it's like there's a very simple solution to not getting COVID and dying from it is get the fucking vaccination. Right. Okay. All right, guy. Easy. Calm down. Very angry. We want to give a shout out.

Sunblock Music did that great song for us this week. Very fun. Yeah. Soliciting more songs. We're starting to run low in our song bank. It's been a year and a half and we've had a different song

every fucking week. It's crazy. And if you think you're not good enough to do a song, listen to the one we had a couple weeks ago. Just listen to a few of them. Which I love, man.

The more low rent, the better, I think. Yeah. Send them off. Our logo comes from Bruce Wise. It was very, very cute. He's got all, I think. Yeah. Send them off. Our logo comes from Bruce Wise. It was very, very cute. He's got all the different comics in there. Blondie.

I'm in bed with Blondie, my arm around her. Of course, she's got her arm around fucking Mike. And she's looking right at you. Yeah. Oh, wait. Hold on. I think Blondie has her arm around me. Yeah, she does.

Oh, man. Look at that. But you're wearing Dagwood's pajamas. There's a lot of little inside info. It has donuts on it, Greg. Dagwood always wears donut pajamas. Is that true? Yeah.

And you're Donut Boy Productions. Hey, now. And the rape victim is the furthest on the... I'm between Blondie and then Helga? What's her name? Helga. Helga, who look how happy she is that I haven't raped her. I can say that, right?

I mean, that's pro non-rape. Where is Andy? I think Andy is under the covers and he's going down on helga because andy cap's wife is in bed with us but let's hope uh andy is beating the shit out of dagwood uh outside the bedroom yes oh it's a dream to dream there it is it came together um corrections from last week hold on one second there he goes should i talk to cover that sound little allergies a little bit of allergies sorry all right corrections landry wilson said that that whale that swallowed the guy was a sperm whale

it was the first time ever a sperm swallowed a man. Thank you very much, Landry. Please send your comments with jokes. Look at that. You appreciate wordplay. I love it. Oh, is that your thing? Am I a wordplay guy?

Maybe. Maybe. I don't know how the show went last night in the round, but you probably made some round jokes. I did. All right. Love the podcast. I've actually turned a few friends into consistent listeners. Listen to that, people.

Talk to your friends. Talk up the podcast. Try to build it up a little bit. Get the word out if you're enjoying it. Yeah, why not? Just subscribe. You don't have to listen. Yeah.

I don't know if that's how it works. I have no idea. As an aside, Gladwell's recent book, Bomber Mafia, is incredible. Oh, okay. Check it out. That's from Hugh in Marblehead, Mass. Wait, I think you forgot to read the correction part before that. No, the whale that swallowed the guy was a sperm whale.

That was the correction. No, Malcolm Gladwell book that details New York City's broken window concept was titled Outliers. Right. But Gladwell detailed this theory in Tipping Point, not Outliers. Ah, okay. See, and then now your Gladwell comment makes sense as the aside. Huh. Oh, you were skipping the correctionwell comment makes sense as the aside. Huh.

Oh, you were skipping the correction. You're savvy. I see what you did. You know what else I did? Oh. I got a rock-hard boner recently, and I'll tell you how. Oh, well, I obviously want to hear, yeah. Let me tell you something.

All right. If you have issues with erectile dysfunction, you know, maybe it's just not doing it the way it used to. You went on an antidepressant and it's making you a marshmallow dick. Or maybe you just get distracted. Maybe you're not sure about your sexuality. And so you're having sex with maybe people in the wrong sex. And so you need a little help getting there. I don't know.

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$15 on your first order of ED treatment. Oh, boy. Let's breathe a little before segwaying into our first story. Oh, right. Right. Why don't we get a paper crinkle? That'll separate it. Let's start the news.

Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! Hey, hey, hey. He's back. Yeah. Unbelievable. I mean, I just got bumped from my Portland gig in October because Bill Cosby's out. And they booked him and they said, I got to go in January instead. Imagine if he, you know, he still has all the money in the world.

Imagine if he booked a venue. How do you think that would play out? Well, towards the end, he was he was playing like Canada and there were still protests to showing up. But you know what? So were the audiences. That's what I'm saying. Let's say he booked a theater like the one Cat Williams played in Chicago.

Right. Kind of like a beacon theater type size. You know, what's that? Four thousand people. Yeah. Right. So it would be fascinating. I'd be very interested to see how that played out.

I bet you a lot of people would go in and they would heckle him during the show. That could be. I would send professional comedians in to heckle him. Wow. All right. I. I would. Send professional comedians in to heckle him. Wow. All right. Listen, the only thing I'd pray that his act didn't put me to sleep. That's the one thing you'd be praying. Get it?

No, he's funny. He's funny. That's what you say? Okay. All right. You're going to read this story or what all right uh okay he's been released from prison according to pennsylvania department of corrections spokesperson maria bevins uh they vacated his 2018 conviction on sexual assault charges uh and judgment of

sentence he has been sent he had been sentenced to 10 years for drugging and sexually assaulting andrea constand in his home 14 years ago well she wasn't standing that night the white house did not have a direct response on wednesday to the news that bill cosby would be released from prison white house press secretary jen psacky But she stressed the administration's support for survivors of sexual assault. Why even include that? Well, who cares? The White House has bigger fish to fry. No, I mean, this is bad, but it's it's not in their hands.

I think that this White House is trying to they're trying to highlight the difference between them and the last administration as far as women being assaulted. So I guess maybe. But boy, Cosby, listen, he's known for surprises. I think that's what we should have been prepared for this. Yes. have been prepared for this yes and for the record i know a lot of people were concerned about you know my as my daughters say i'm on team woody regarding woody allen a famous funny man who uh is creepy but uh so i just will go on the record i think cosby molested woody allen's children oh yeah interesting it's a neat little bow. It ties it all up. That's my first impulse thought.

I just hope OJ doesn't kill them all. I blame it on mayor of Easttown. This took place in Pennsylvania. Yeah, I do. Oh, right. She's terrible. She's the worst law enforcement official ever. Doesn't follow orders.

Gets her partner, who I fell in love with that guy, killed. Spoiler alert. Plants drugs on her son's baby mama. Drugs on the most vulnerable character in her circle. Yeah. Ugh, terrible. I think she screwed this up. You know why he was released, right?

It's an interesting story, actually. It's true. I don't totally follow it. Something about the previous DA made a deal with him or something? Yeah, who became Trump's lawyer, by the way. But anyway, the very fast explanation is, in this civil case against him, the DA,

which was a wrong move, thought he would help because in the civil case, Cosby could say, I don't want to incriminate myself about this. Right. So this DA stepped in and goes, I got an idea how we can get you lots of money in this civil case for damages. I will strike a deal with him that nothing he says will incriminate him. He won't be tried for anything he says in this. So there's the deal. Cosby's like, OK, I drugged women and had sex with them, said it. But he did not say that it was nonconsensual. He didn't go that far. But he said, I drugged women and had sex with them. And then he paid up three million, I think, in that case.

And then that agreement was in place. New D.A. comes in. Now they're trying him for the case with that woman woman who he said he drugged and had sex with. They use that as the evidence. He gets thrown in jail. This is the appeal. And the appeal points out the agreement that said they said they wouldn't do that. Wow. And that's why he can't even be retried for it now. Did you see when he got out of jail? He was walking past the reporters and he went, hey, hey, hey, he really did. He literally did. No, he didn't.

No, I'm not kidding. He seriously did. Oh, my God. Yeah. Doesn't seem like a time to joke. No. No, I don't think so. When OJ got out, he didn't run through the airport.

Yeah. Remember the Hertz commercials? He ran through the airport when he was trying to get away with murder. That's right. We know that. He went to O'Hare. Yep yep went to chicago without a knife we know that also jesus uh speaking of jail um a man in maine tried to post 200 bail with counterfeit bills okay is this our new segment main man Man? Who's our main man today? Instead of Florida man? Deputies responding to a report of a stolen vehicle in Waterboro early Sunday morning

stopped a man walking nearby. They determined he was not involved but arrested him on an outstanding warrant for theft from a Walmart. The man said he had enough money to post $200 in bail, but when the bail commissioner arrived, he tried to pay with two counterfeit $100 bills. He was denied bail and was returned to jail with additional charge of forgery.

The man was able to post $100 in bail later in the day. This does not add up. Now, why did they lower the bail? You're in jail on one charge and the bail is $200. Now you why did they lower the bail? You're in jail on one charge and the bail's $200. Now you're in jail for the original

charge and a much bigger one and it's lower to half that. Well, I guess they figured $100 in real money is worth more than $200 in counterfeit. So they come out ahead. Also, one of the criteria in determining

should we even allow bail is, you think he's learned his lesson? You think, first of all, he's a flight risk? I don't know. He tried to pay bail. He has counterfeit money. You think he's a flight risk? I do.

I think anybody who lives in Maine is a flight risk because all you think about is getting the fuck out of Maine. It's a rowboat away from Canada. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Maine man.

I'm liking it. All right. Ready for the story? Yeah. A lot of law. Cops are playing music. I thought this was fascinating. Cops are playing music during filmed encounters to game YouTube's copyright striking.

In a video posted Thursday, Alameda County Sheriff's Deputy David Shelby pulled out his phone and began playing Taylor Swift's Blank Space during an altercation with a civilian. He openly admitted it can't be posted to YouTube. And like during the back and forth, there's video of this during the back and forth. The deputy said, you can record all you want. I just know it can't be posted to YouTube. Which and they were apoplectic. They're like, so you're saying the only reason you would do this, if you think bullshit's going down is literally what the guy said to him. And the cop just kept, he took his phone out. First of all, that that song is his go-to song on his phone or the first one. And then he, this fat cop, and then he puts it in his, uh, like some chest, you know, snapping in his

shirt. So it's right near his mic. Yeah. And so you hear Taylor Swift playing the whole time. Wow. Clever. Very clever. I mean, imagine if it was like first track is Fuck the Police. 9-1-1 is a joke. Where there's all these songs that are hypercritical of the police. I shot the sheriff.

Yeah, yeah. Cop killer. That's hilarious. critical of the police. I shot the sheriff. Yeah, yeah. Cop killer. But, you know, so I have a lot of experience filming TV shows with this copyright thing where like you go into a diner, whatever, any store,

you're doing a bit where you're making fun of Target employees and music's on in the background. It can kill your piece. But they've actually come up with software. Oh, so what we would do in the edit bay is you can, this is advice to anyone that's filmed cops and are afraid that this YouTube, it's AI actually, scans it automatically and they

can hear the software if there's a popular song. And you are not even by a person by the by a computer your your videos removed from youtube right like same with us on this podcast so anyway you we used to have the editor add music like we would then put a track of music and try to blend it especially where the song was most audible, because then you can't really make it out and it's not very clear. Right. And then now now from what I've heard, there's actually software that can scan all the sound, you know, the sound graphs and find, in this case, the Taylor Swift song and remove it. Wow, that's insane. Would have helped me a lot on a lot of projects, yeah.

I mean, going into the future, the whole idea of manipulating people's images and what you can change in a video, you can Photoshop faces into video now. You can change words. You can literally, you know, if somebody has their back to somebody else in a video, you can take their voice, run it through a software and get it to say thanks.

Wait, I think, I mean, isn't it called deep fakes? I mean, you saw the one with Tom Cruise? No. Oh, dude, a guy uses the software and is doing his Tom Cruise impression there. It made it was front page. Well, it was front page in entertainment sections and probably in business sections. It was big news how we've hit a tipping. There is no going back now.

You can have Biden say whatever you want. And that has happened, by the way. Yeah, there have been these campaign ads on official ones, maybe where they are putting words in politicians' mouths. By the way, of course, guess what industry grabbed onto this? And now you can see Britney Spears having any sexual encounters you want. Oh, that's nice. There you go.

I knew that would be the reaction. Jesus Christ. Any celebrity. What's her name? Margot Robbie? Oh, boy. Google that. And whatever phrase you want to Robbie. Oh, boy. Google that.

And whatever phrase you want to use. So believable. Really? Not joking. How could I make this up? Easily. This could be fake right now. Somebody could be faking what you're saying.

I think people know from the low quality. This is us. Low quality faces, low quality content. Unevolved ideas. Please touch up my appearance. If you're going to do a deep fake with me, please help me out. Seriously. Let's just speak of the entertainment section. There it is.

Let's go to it. Our dear friend, and I don't say that facetiously. He really is a dear friend. Andy Dick was arrested over the weekend for assault with a deadly weapon, the LAPD said. Elisa Jordana revealed the brutal incident this week on her YouTube show, Kermit and Friends, which, by the way, he's engaged to her, saying that Dick assaulted his lover, Lucas, with a metal chair. He could have killed him, she says. So the assault with a deadly weapon was a metal chair. Yes. She suggests against the boy and his andcée is detailing all this.

Yes. He could have killed his side piece boy, says his female. Go ahead. Who used to date Benji from the Howard Stern Show, by the way, this woman. Oh, really? Yeah. She's a real climber. No, I see her.

I see her on social media and all that stuff, running around with her dogs. Yeah, she knows how to climb her way to the middle. She suggested that Lucas, whose last name was not immediately available, was taken to Cedars-Sinai Hospital. I saw pictures. I saw a video. It's not good. So he was arrested on June 26th.

So let's see. She said he's spinning out of control. He was just evicted from his home and moved into a hostel, So, let's see. She said he's spinning out of control. He was just evicted from his home and moved into a hostel. Though she said he was soon kicked out of the hostel after bringing in a group of 11 people. After being hostile, Greg, your wordplay was right in front of you. Oh, see? No, but he did bring in a group, which I think is very, very Andy.

Yes. It's a party. 11 guys. It was probably the L rams jordan described another incident in which dick told a waitress using obscene language that he wanted to sleep with her and took things from the restaurant he stole cutlery he stole a wine glass he stole plates he asked for a doggy bag so he could put it all in that. He's very open about his, which I'll tell you an Andy Dick story in a second. He's incredibly open about his missteps

while they're happening. Well, it really makes you wonder how much of them are missteps or they're actually steps so he can stay in the news. So I forgot to tell you last week. So like two weeks ago, maybe, I was at a restaurant in Hollywood and I see Andy sitting on the curb.

And this is pretty early. It's probably like nine o'clock or something. And I go over to him and he was pretty messed up. And I, and I didn't think he recognized me that much. And this is a guy who was like pretty. And he would tell me he loved me literally. But,

you know, he was pretty into me and then like i like even way back i had him on tosh and he made me play hitler you know tosh was furious because he was pulling me out of the writers room and all that but he demanded it no other way so by the way on imdb that's my one acting credit is uh hitler it's very honored but anyway great andy and i then we we did a bit once way out years after that. Actually, we didn't do a bit. Sorry.

We were doing a bit with Chelsea Peretti down at Lady Gaga's like crazy sold out. Like she was at the height of stuff with paparazzi and all that stuff. Her hits. She sold out the Staples Center. We're down there trying to like kind of find out about Lady Gaga fans. And we had like questions like, and maybe we're going to play a game like, you know,

almost like family feud. We asked 10 Lady Gaga fans this question, how many, you know, blah, blah, blah. So by the way,

one thing we did find out about the fans, almost all Lady Gaga fans are not on speaking terms with their father. Interesting. Interesting. Yes. That's not even a joke. We found that. It was, we all looked at each other. And Chelsea Peretti's like, you got, like, you're the 13th person in a row that has said that.

So anyway, we finish. I see Andy Dick. Andy Dick then, I decide to stay down there and we're going to go grab something to eat. So it was me, like maybe my cameraman, Andy and another person. We go into a restaurant. It sounds just like this. And this it was it was Wolfgang Puck's restaurant at L.A. Live right outside of Staples.

And this smoke show waitress comes over like had to be a model. And he's like and he's just like um meanwhile he's hitting on the cameraman the whole time asking him questions touching his arm making him kind of uncomfortable hand on the leg and she comes over he's like look at you and she laughs and he's like no no no turn around makes her like pirouette turn around he's like look and he like then grabs her butt and she's just dying, laughing. And, you know, of course there's this dynamic of, and this is probably 10 years ago. He's, you know, kind of a celebrity in a way and all this. And she is probably very much a wannabe celebrity. So she's really tolerating stuff. She shouldn't, but it was very embarrassing

for us. We're trying to like shut Andy down, but he won't be shut down. We leave. We go outside. He's like, let's go to the concert. And I'm like, yeah, it's like, like, that's why we're here. It's like famously sold out. He's like, it's not sold out. He goes right to will call, gets will call. And he's like, yeah.

He goes, tickets. They're probably left there. Andy Dick. And they're like, and the woman's like, okay, how many? Meanwhile, it's like three of us. He's like, nine. And he's like, Gaga left them. Gaga left them for me.

So they go check it and all this. And she's like, and they're all like looking dowdy. Instead of just saying, get the F out of here, they're actually looking into this. So then they come back and they're like, well, there are tickets here and this, but there are some reserve tickets that we have. And they're recognizing, I guess, that he's a celebrity.

Do you have I.D.? And he aggressively leans forward and goes, this is my I.D. And puts the circle move around his face. She's like, hold on. Let me get the manager. He's like, you do that. And the manager comes back and then the manager goes, Andy,

if I can talk to you for a second. He's like, you know, we would give these, you know, we're fans of yours and we love you and we don't know

if you know Lady Gaga. We'd give these to you, but like, we can't let someone this inebriated into the building. That's the only reason. And he's holding the tickets

in his hand. And Andy gets, Andy gets furious. We leave. Everyone else peels off. I don't know why I'm staying there with Andy. We're walking along Staples center, a door that I didn't even know was there. Cause it's just painted the color of the building and it doesn't have any doorknobs on. And it just opens from the inside opens. He instinctively

hurls himself at it and grabs it before it closes. And he's like, come on. Are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Like, what are you doing? Let's go. And we enter Stable Center. There's just stairs. There's nothing else. It's just a stairwell up, up, up, up, up.

And then I'm catching on. This is the exit for the luxury boxes. Yeah. So there's nothing in between the luxury boxes and this exit. We get to the top. He bangs on the window. There's this big woman security guard there. And she looks out like she's having none of this.

And he just gestures like, we were smoking. And she's so confused that she just opens it. Now we're in the luxury boxes at the Lady Gaga concert. No shit. And he won't stop there. It's just entitlement after weird derangement. He's drinking. He's just entitlement after like weird derangement. Yeah. He's drinking. He's demanding free drinks.

And then I had to get away because security started catching on. I had to get away from him. But I stayed and watched the rest of the Gaga concert. And I have no idea what happened to him that night. Long story, but a perfect Andy Dick story. It's like if you see Andy and he wants to hang out, you have to just put on your seatbelt and go for the ride. Because you don't know where it's going to go, but it's going somewhere. He came in one night.

I was at the comic strip on the Upper East Side in New York. And I'm on stage. And he walks in and he goes, Fitz Simmons, what are you doing on stage? And he fucking walks up and gets on stage. Full house. There's 200 people there. And so we start riffing, and it was actually really funny. We were killing.

We were having a lot of fun. He's super fast, despite all the damage. He's the best improv guy out there. He's amazing. And then he pulls his balls out, and so they start giving us the light. Told you he's fast. We get kicked out of the comic strip, and we walk down 2nd Avenue, and he stops at this restaurant.

He's like, we got to get something to eat. And there's like 8,000 fucking coffee shops on the Upper East Side. No, no, no, we're going to this one place. We walk all the way down to the 50s to this one restaurant, and we get there, and they're literally locking up. The staff is leaving the restaurant. The guy's got his keys out. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We walked all the way down here, and they're like, Andy. They knew him. They actually had been there before. And so the guy fucking opens it up, turns the grill back on. Waitress takes our order. Cooks go back to the kitchen we we order all this fucking food he's he's got a posse so there's like six of us orders all this food and then he then he gets a text from a guy down in the village who he wants to see he fucking gets up and leaves

with his posse and now i'm sitting in the restaurant with like one other comic and we're like, what the fuck are you doing? So we just like ducked and headed out. The poor guy, yeah. We get down to the village and now we're in this dive bar

on West 4th Street and he is with a guy who he's kind of dating but he is molesting this girl in the bar. He's grabbing her ass. She's screaming at him. She throws a drink in his face. Cut to 10 minutes later. They're making out.

Yeah. He's truly unbelievable. It's no better use of the word. You can't believe what you're seeing. Yeah. It's confidence mixed with a little celebrity dust and also a giant dose of not giving an F about anything. Well, he's addicted to chaos.

Like he's always said to me, Greg, do you think I'm an alcoholic? I go, no, I don't think you're addicted to anything but fucking creating the most insane environment you can. If it's drugs, if it's sex, if it's violence, whatever, you just need that around you all the time. And you can't fix that. You know, he's tried every kind of therapy you could possibly go to. Right.

Absolutely. All right. Well, wishing the best. I had a friend who was a cop. He still does. He's like volunteers. Not really. I think he gets paid one dollar a week or whatever

just so it's not volunteer. But anyway, he's on the West Hollywood police force driving around in the car and all that. And he's like, it was incredible. There was like a five-year period where it's like, it would just come over like, he's like, yeah, so disturbance in the condos on whatever and uh it's sandy dick again guys and so uh and he's gonna have his own number

soon and we got a 10 13 on 11 grove street i think what it was is he was an investor or he owned maybe these um apartments this little apartment complex in West Hollywood. And he had guys he liked as his tenants, I think, and he would go there and there would be disturbances anyway. Wow. He's going to end up in Florida at some point. Allegedly, I should say allegedly after that, in case

poor Andy Olsen lawyers up and turns on Hitler. Right. He's going to end up in Florida someday. Segway time. Crinkle that thing. This story. You found this. This is so good. A steel plate in the back of a man's skull may have

saved him after a Hernando woman allegedly struck his head with an axe do you even need do you need to go on from there i think you kind of get it first of all it get details like about the axe get better somehow yeah okay so um the sheriff's office was dispatched saturday to a man being struck by a double-sided medieval axe at Hernandez Address. Deputies questioned the man who said he and another man were working on a water pump. Of course. He felt a thump on the rear of his head, stunning him before he felt a second impact.

First of all, if you get hit in the head with an axe, don't you instinctively get out of the way of whatever just hit you in the head? He just stood dude i don't know it's a water pump they got to focus on that so uh deputies noted right there deputies noted an inch long cut to the back of the man's head a couple inches away from the top of his spinal cord. It was later discovered that the victim had a steel plate inserted into the back of his skull, which may have contributed to him becoming dazed. Instead of dead. He corroborated the injured man's statements,

adding Hallmark, who is homeless. I'm homeless, but I do work on water pumps. He stayed in a shed on his property the evening before. He said he let Hallmark into his house to get cigarettes, and she must have grabbed the weapon from his wall display. Yeah. I just think every Florida man should preemptively have a metal plate inserted into their head. Yes.

For all their motorcycle rides, for their medieval axe incidents. Yeah, you should have full football equipment on with flotation devices strapped onto your back. I think Florida should have a new scent, medieval axe body spray. There you go, a little wordplay. There's some wordplay right there. Nice.

That was just off the top of my head, really the bottom of my head, more wordplay. There's some wordplay right there. Nice. That was just off the top of my head, really the bottom of my head, more wordplay. That's fantastic. I wonder why he had the metal plate in his head. You know, I need a little more of this story. I'm betting he can't remember why. I'm betting he was in Afghanistan. It's probably in that part of the head.

He was probably in Afghanistan or Iraq or something. A perfect Florida story would be it was because the first time he was hit in the head with a medieval axe. Right, right. Or he was attacked by an alligator and they had to put a plate in his head. Lightning? I'm betting motorcycle. Yeah. All righty.

Let's go to puerto rico yeah that's an international place guinness world record announced a new record holder for the world's oldest living man 112 year old emilio flores Marquez of Puerto Rico. Now, we're going to get corrections on this because it's international news. We're in the international section, and I listed Puerto Rico. And then I realized after I cut and pasted the story into international that they are, in fact, are they part of the United States? What do we consider them? Is that international? Isn't everything international unless you're anchoring yourself? Let's just pretend we're doing, we're Canadians.

We're Irish. Then it's international. Okay. It is part of the U.S. So he's 112. He was born in 1908. Yeah. He's the second of 11 children.

And he just sounds like a really sweet guy. So he was married to a woman for over 75 years before her death. And still alive. I wonder if any of his siblings, 11, so he has 10. I wonder if any of his siblings are alive. He's the second oldest. Maybe his older sister is alive. don't know yeah born in 1908 wow and that's that's 112 puerto rican years that's a lot of fucking hurricanes guys in his

30s when pearl harbor happened yeah when. When were the Wright brothers? 19-teen? 19-sixteen? 19-nineteen. You said that so confidently. Here come the corrections. No, it was 19-nineteen. I read their biography.

Wow. It's a great book. Great book about the Wright brothers. He was old when things happened. First of all, dude was in his 90s when 9-11 happened. All right, anyway. How old do you want to be when you die?

Me? Yeah. I don't know. There's a lot of conversation about that here. We have old family and stuff. But it depends on the quality of life. it depends the quality of life. I carried a, I, I carried a man a couple of days ago, an old friend of the family and, um, the case, the, the worker who was helping the care provider pulled their back. And so he wasn't going to come to like a dinner and he's a really old friend of my dad's literally and figuratively and um and me and another friend of mine my age we went over and um because his

wife was there and we picked him up to put him in the car and this was like such a proud guy like he was you know in his 30s when i was a kid you know that's when i probably met him and it turns out he just didn't want to go to the dinner and he was faking it and you guys fucking dragged him there he was already shit faced he can walk normally most of the time but I mean I don't know

but he is still fairly with it you know mentally if you're not though I don't know it's a tough question I'd say as soon as i'm incapacitated i want to be 82 would be about right yeah we'll see what you say at 81 i'm 55 and i'm uh that's going to be here i don't want to i mean this could get me down

that's going to be here pretty fast. Yeah. But, you know, I am understanding. Like, you know, it was always like the Dylan Thomas sentiment of rage against the dying of the light. You know, once you get on the second half of things, you're like, yeah, I might not rage too hard. Yeah, exactly. By the way, this light is dying, and it's not just my light. The light on this earth is dying, and good luck with it. Yeah.

Sorry I didn't do much to move the needle. No, it's a little bit like when Bugs Bunny would be in a rocket ship, and it was hurtling towards the earth, and right before it hit the ground, he would just step off of it and not get hurt. That's how I want to die. Just before the earth fucking implodes. You're a huge part of the problem until you step off right before it crashes. Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of crashing... And old people, the New York Yankees fulfilled a... This is sports. We're in the sports section. Sports, people. The New York Yankees fulfilled a... This is sports. We're in the sports section. Sports, people. The New York Yankees fulfilled a lifelong dream for Gwen Goldman during their latest game

when they honored her 60-year-old request to serve as the team's bat girl. You know, shouldn't you move on? As you get older, shouldn't you adjust your fucking dreams? Yeah. I mean, it's like, let's make that guy you carried up the stairs

a fireman now. Goldman, who's 70, sent the Yankees the request when she was 10 in 1961. It was worth, she wrote them a letter. It was worth having that hope and worth pursuing it.

Even if you don't get it at first, you just keep going. 60 years thinking about this, and here it is. She toured the clubhouse, met the players and coaches, posed for photos with the umpires, and threw out the first pitch. I wonder how far that fucking ball went. Yeah, I'd like to see that. She sported a full pinstripe uniform.

Go ahead. She sported a full pinstripe uniform. out on the mound. Go ahead. She sported a full pinstripe uniform for her honorary duties. Yeah, the pinstripes probably matched the fucking wrinkles on her face.

Oh, Greg, you're so mean. I'm trying to be edgier for the show. Goldman wrote her initial letter to former Yankees general manager

Roy Hamey when she was a child. He issued a response which said, quote, in a game dominated by men, a young lady such as yourself would feel out of place in a dugout. Yeah, back then she probably would have gotten fingered. Also, young lady, you're a Jew. I don't think Whitey Ford's gonna take a like into that, allegedly

Oh god, Whitey Ford, Jesus Alright Here come the corrections from the baseball nerd army that Whitey Ford wasn't around 62 years ago or whatever the math is, alright, go ahead

And this is so great, this is so typical of like whoever the sports columnist was had to put this little dig in as the final line of the article. The Los Angeles Angels beat the Yankees 5-3 on Monday at Yankee Stadium. Well, that's because four of the batters didn't get their bats in time. They're Gagnus or whatever her name is. Goldman. Where's that Jew broad with my bat? Yeah. Why is she using them as crutches?

She's a little old, isn't she? Will someone wake her up and get my bat? I'm standing here holding a donut without a bat. And by the way, for me, this ruins the term bat girl usually the phrase bat girl lights a fire in my loins not anymore her she was smoking hot yeah i mean they just don't i mean i guess what's her name uh criticized uh of scarlett johansson criticized the sexuality of whatever her character was in her last Marvel movie.

It's like, sweetie, go look at fucking Catwoman. Sweetie. So that's the best ever. A woman brings up an argument about a woman's issue and men, and you lead with sweetie. Pipe down. Know your place. Know your place, hon.

Speaking of women in sports. Oh, yeah. I love this story. I don't love that. I mean, it's a juicy story. I do not. I actually don't like that it's happened. The American sprinter, Shaw Carey Richardson, who was set for a star turn at the Tokyo Olympics this month, could miss the games after testing positive for, wait for it, marijuana. Boo.

In an interview with NBC on Friday, Richardson blamed the positive test on her use of marijuana as a way to cope with the unexpected death of her biological mother while she was in Oregon for the Olympic trials. Oregon, where it's legal, where pot's legal. Right. She won the race there, then I believe going to be the number one. I don't know if the word is seed, but our number one sprinter for her for her competition. Anyway, now Jenna Prandini, who placed fourth at the trials, has been notified that she will be one of the three American women running in the 100 in Tokyo. And to me, it's like, so who do we want running for the U.S. over there? Do we want the woman who came in fourth or the stoner who came in first? Right, right.

Yeah. Do we want the woman who, yeah, who's hyper focused, who's laser focused on the finish line? Yeah. Who feels no pain in her muscles? Yeah. And feels no pain in her muscles. Yeah. Whose biological mom is still alive and thriving. Hasn't gotten bad news that week. Everything clear.

She's built to this moment, prepped, well rested. Right. Probably on steroids you can't, you know, identify or find. No. Jesus. We don't want her. This woman set a record last week, too. I think in one of the trials, I think she set a record.

I mean, come on, people. How is marijuana makes you slower? You should only be penalized for drugs that make you faster. I know. It's a depression. Quaiload should be fine. Marijuana is fine. Opiates.

It would be like caught drinking. Isn't it kind of like being caught drinking? Yeah. Yeah. It's legal. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. It's legal. Yeah? Yeah, they got to revisit that. It's not legal in the competitions.

Obviously, it's a banned substance. I wonder why it's a banned substance. People use anti- I'm trying to think. Is it because of its anti-inflammatory stuff and it's just not an approved drug? I don't know. I think it's just ignorant blanket laws. I mean, if they're going to start disqualifying people in sports because of smoking tons of pot,

I would have to say, hold on a second. I would say Dennis Gubbins owes me a lot of money from golf today. That guy shows up on edibles and then blasts. I shouldn't talk about it. About a little late. I would say talk about it. A little late. I would say, oh, I have a question. I think I might have raised this one time before. But if you're a severely ADD athlete, right, I guess you're just not allowed to take any form of ADD medication like Ritalin or Adderall.

I mean, those are cocaine pills. Right, right. I can see that. Talk about performance enhancing. That's the lead. They're on the top of the list. Meanwhile, if you're a female and you transition to a male and you want to compete, you take testosterone pills. Right? I mean, isn't that

performance enhancing? But they measure. They measure the level in the body, I believe. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. You're talking about a woman who transitions into a man? Yes.

They're not making the measurement. Hold on. We just got a note from chris denman way to go chris uh an hour and seven minutes in and he finally put something in the script we can use now he gave us one joke before oh good nfl players are allowed to take adderall only if approved by the league for medical reasons the league would like the nfl players association to agree to more transparency with the public and wants to list the banned substance when a player fails a test. I mean,

alright, how much of the NFL do you think is on Adderall? I don't think they test for marijuana in the NFL because my understanding is they're all high all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. They all have to be in, I mean, Monday and Tuesday, they must be in so much pain. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, it's insane. No, I'm just talking about from hitting their wives and girlfriends on Sunday night. Yeah, the wives should be able to smoke pot. Yeah.

Not making light of it. I was targeting the NFL and how little they do about that problem. By the way, we didn't talk about – did we talk about how they're going to – the Supreme Court is going to make it so that they can start or that they have to start paying college athletes? We haven't. Why don't we talk about that next week? Let's talk about that next week.

On my never-to-do list. All right, let's skip this. We'll skip the England story, but the soccer players are, soccer fans are racist. Tour de France, everybody's talking about it. No, no, wait, that England story, I had a kind of a funny joke. Okay, let's do it. Not really, but basically the story was they won. And it was a real surprise after 55 years of agony, you know, losing to their German. It was England, Germany losing to Germany.

And in the stadium, they had a close up when they were grabbing the reactions. You know, when the whistle was blown of a young German girl crying and they all cheered like crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Which you could understand imagine seeing like your new york ranger fan and you see an islanders fan crying yeah i mean yes it's a young child and it's a girl but it's i really the cameraman should be blamed there's no way i would not have been cheering if that if it was me that is just a perfect comedic moment.

Especially against a superior organization. You know what I mean? It's like, you don't think Boston would cheer? Back when the Yankees owned them for a half a century, you don't think if there was a Yankee fan kid, they would have lost? It would have been memes everywhere. Yeah, yeah. But England won't be

cheering greg 30 years from now when germany led by that girl bombs the shit out of london and puts all british on trains to an oven never never fucking count out germany they're not gonna be laughing then nope they're always coming back they have a there is a pattern going on in Germany for the last few thousand years. She's like, I'm back. Yeah. Remember me? All the troops are going to have buttons with her little crying face on it. Never forget.

Speaking of crying faces, this mass crash that happened, a spectator caused it on the opening day of the Tour de France. Dude, you saw the footage of that? That was so fantastic. What? I mean, just because bike racing is so silly. Bicycles are for little kids to ride around your fucking cul-de-sac. They're for, you know, they're silly.

They're machines, those guys, man. They are machines with two pistons that just don't stop. Grow up. Grow up with the riding your bicycle around France, please. It's a mode of transportation for the Dutch, and it's a way for little kids to drive around their cul-de-sac. That's it. That's what a bicycle is.

Okay. The Wright brothers call That's what a bicycle is. Okay. The Wright brothers call back. They were the guys. They were like, let's move from bicycles to airplanes. That's right. They owned a bike shop. That's where they developed the plane. Good call, Mike.

Sure, man. So anyway, they found this woman. And initially they were going to press charges and they were going to fine her a lot of money and then they dropped the charges they said something about her being a sense in a sensitive condition like there's something wrong with this woman i think and so it was an accident also i mean it's not like she like ran out there and jammed like a ski pole in the spokes you know what i mean no but she but it was all about her. That's what made people upset.

It was like, look at me, look at me. Oh, I understand why people are upset. But was it criminal? Like really criminal. Obviously, there's going to be easy charges. You know, like she's being fined. I get that. But they say that the individual bicycle racers,

they can sue her. Oh, wow. Yeah, she could lose some money Alright Let's do some science You got it pal She blinded me with science Well now

You see like the cops You just put music in this so it's not going to air on YouTube. A large fossilized skull discovered in China in 1933 may be a new species of ancient human. The Harbin cranium dates to at least 146,000 years old and suggested represent represents, quote, a new sister lineage for Homo sapiens. It differs from all the other named Homo sapiens by presenting a combination of features, such as a long and low cranial vault, a wide and low face, large and almost square orbits, and all this other stuff, including low cheekbones. The skull was found almost 90 years ago when a Chinese

laborer working on a bridge pulled it out of nearby sediment. But this guy held onto it. He kept the cranium hidden until shortly before his death in 2018, after which his family relocated the skull and donated it to a museum. And that's where it's now made news. They found this thing 90 years later. But scientists, Greg, were confused at first by all the semen found inside of one of the eye sockets, and they had to remove a giant water pipe and pot resin from the skull bong when they got it. Yeah, right.

They had to take off the lipstick and the Grateful Dead sticker on the side of it. This guy's practicing his Hamlet all day. Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him a ratio for 90 years with a new species. But that did make me think. So they find this new shaped skull, right, with the wider lower face. And they just announced this new, you know, in the cheekbones.

And they announced this new species of human. But what if it was just some super weird-looking dude, you know, that the village made fun of? Right. Here comes Chung Kai cheekbone. Yeah. Hey, Sean, why the fat face? Like, he's just a village idiot.

Yeah, he's an anomaly. Yeah. It's like in thousands of years when they dig up what was Los Angeles, they're going to be like, wow, everybody had huge tits and lips and dicks. Look at this new species of human which had giant silicone bags in their tits and ass. Yeah. Hey, by the way, do you hear that? That's a downpour right now.

Oh, is it raining? Raining hard. It rained, so we got in our car. We're driving through Queens. I mean, it was raining so hard that the girls were just like, how are you not pulling over? Like, that's what we've raised in California. It was hard to see.

I will give them that. But still, everyone kept driving, obviously. Anyway. Did your dad rent a house up in Carmel? I will give them that. But still, everyone kept driving, obviously. Anyway. Where are you? Did your dad rent a house up in Carmel? No, I am being hosted at Jenny and Tim. My step-sisters, Jenny and Tim, are here. Yeah.

So we're in their house, which is amazing. It's this great cabin. They have a great thing here, which has become really their primary residence. They have an apartment in New York, but this is where they've been during COVID. They get enough room for you guys? Tons of room. It's great. Awesome.

And I love that there's mosquitoes, some in the bedroom, even the girls. It was just a competition of who had the worst bites this morning at breakfast. I loved every minute of it. Yeah, right. We're in science still. This next story is about a prototype flying car has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. It takes 2 minutes and 15 seconds to transform from car into aircraft. So you can fucking drive it.

And then it's got a BMW engine, runs on regular gas, and it clocked 40 hours so far in the air. So it's here. The flying car is here. Nice. That's a car's gas gauge I take seriously when it's, like, on the reserve, like, get gas. Right.

All right, listen, we've got to get right, listen, we got to get to this. We got to get to this. It's the week, we promise you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the business section. There has been a bet going on, a pool, a competition on Investopedia. We have exactly 400 of our listeners have been competing in a faux investment portfolio care of Investopedia, which is

not a sponsor, by the way. We should have got them to give us some money. I said we'd do another one, and I'll try hard this time. And $100 goes to the winner who started with $100,000 and has ended out our final winner.

Drumroll, please. Is a guy or a woman. I'm assuming it's a guy. Last, Jimbo. All right. Who is about $100,000 ahead of second place. He ended up with $306,000.

At one point, he had $385,000. Yeah. Wow. Wow. I want this guy investing my money for me. Do you? Well, not all of it, but a little chunk of it. If the market had done what,

in my opinion, it should have done, I think he would have been at the bottom. Maybe he can write in and tell us why he wouldn't have been at the bottom. Although, we can go in there and see what he did. But, boy, I imagine these options he bought would have massively backfired if the market went down like it should. Let's have him on the show next week.

Last Jimbo, if you're listening, email us at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Send us proof. Take a screenshot of your account so we know that it's you we will send you 100 the prize and also we're gonna uh have you on the show next week we'd like to find out what you invested in maybe learn a little something from you that's a good idea and mike want it might want to get another guy on the guy guy who came in last place, Craig Jackson. Yes, that's my guy. That's my man. You ready for this? I don't know how this is even possible. He took $100,000

and now has negative $14,000. Oh, Investopedia lets you go negative? Yes. With imaginary money? That's doubly imaginary. First it's imaginary and it's positive.

Now it's negative money. Yeah. All right. So I don't know. I think your total, you and I have our own competition for $100. And I ended up with $99,600. And you ended up with? $92,693.

Wow. I would have beaten you. $92,593 now that you're paying me the $100. I, yeah, right. I would have been at $100 if I did nothing, but I got shamed into doing things. Well, that is a life lesson, isn't it? Yeah, be inactive.

Craig Kilborn, your friend, has been playing along with us, and he did nothing. He has $100,000. Oh, I thought he did a little. I actually think he did a little. Did you check on your daughter? I didn't, but maybe we're eating catfish, and the guy who won, we're going to learn next week, is my daughter. Ah.

See? I don't underestimate her. She's probably stealing $100 out of your wallet right now while you're doing the podcast. I say I don't underestimate her. And meanwhile, I just said she might be a male gambling addict in disguise or as her persona. All right. So, should we,

maybe, why don't we call Investopedia, see if they'll throw us a little real money and, and do another competition? And do another competition. Okay.

I'll reach out to them. They're a great company. But next week, let's have that guy on. All right. We got to race through because you got places to go this day in history

uh 1776 today is the 4th of july happy 4th of july everybody yeah i mentioned that at the top um july 4th the continental Congress adopts the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia, they proclaim the independence of the United States of America from Great Britain and its king. The declaration came 442 days after the first volleys of the American Revolution were fired at Lexington and Concord in Massachusetts and marked the ideological expansion of the conflict that would eventually encourage France's intervention on behalf of the patriots. Now, that's something people have to remember. We would have lost the Revolutionary War if France had not gotten involved towards the end. You know, you want to, everybody wants to make fun of France. They always,

you know, they always wave the white flag. They always surrender. They're blah, blah, blah. No, they saved our ass. Right. So merci beaucoup. We were insurrectionists back then. Also, in 1826, also on the 4th of July, and I'm not making this up,

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, who were originally rivals and later became famous pen pals, they died on the same day on the 4th of July. Wow. Yep. They were the last surviving members of the original American revolutionaries who stood up to the British Empire. All righty. Yeah. Well, Jefferson loved the French. the British Empire. All righty. Yeah. Well, Jefferson loved the French. They loved him.

That's right. All right. Where are we going? John Adams liked the king at first. John Adams was originally like, he was against the revolution. Right. All right. Let's skip Ask Amy.

Let's do a couple quick letters. Can't believe you know the lyrics to Down Under by Men at Work. Hilarious, per usual. Men at Work got sued for that song. They ripped off an old, old tune from 1932. I had no idea. I haven't gone in that wiki wormhole yet, but I want to. Oh, I went down it.

I went down it i went down it so what did they steal they stole the little flute part that's like an old it's like a nursery tune it's like an old like australian national song and so i i didn't think the music in 1932 had such shitty lyrics, so I was wondering if they stole, like, six foot four and full of muscles. I don't know that Vegemite sandwiches existed in 1932.

I mean, Australia was, yeah. It wasn't an Australian tune. I'm wondering if it was. I doubt it. Some fucking money grubber went after them. You know, this, like whoever owned the royalties at that point,

it was like kind of like a benign account. And then some lawyers basically went after them. And it was. how dare you as an artist that's intellectual property. Right. What do you mean money grubber? You can't have these awful non-songwriting this band take your take your catch your hook right right and then all of a sudden we're a fucking roommate

through the wall for me now is torturing me with that bullshit no it's true if if that would have never happened if they didn't steal it yeah If you heard those lyrics and you loved that tune and it was your tune, that would be pretty insulting. But I don't know that anybody from 1932 is still alive. Meanwhile, Chris Brand, who is the moron through the wall from, he's not a moron, but I like calling him that because of his music taste. He was like, he took issue with that. I was a Led Zeppelin guy, which I was wholeheartedly. took issue with that. I was a Led Zeppelin guy, which I was wholeheartedly. Jack, my roommate, assigned roommate when we were 15 years old, will validate me on that. He's like, I listen to, what did he say? Culture Club, I think is what he said I listened to a lot of.

Nice try, Chris. Not a chance. Never left my speakers. I just read an article. We were in that dorm. We had a teacher we hated, hated and he had two dogs and he was at the far end from my room and chris's room but i had these great great speakers old school of course they weighed like 100 pounds each but we learned if we absolutely cranked the guitar the high high pitched guitar solo in Sympathy for the Devil, his dogs would bark like lunatics. Really? Yes. So that happened basically every day after practice.

Yeah. I just read this article where Dave Grohl was asked what three albums he says that any young person interested in music should listen to. Men at Work, clearly. He said Men at Work. He said Boy George.

No, he said Sergeant Pepper, very predictably, Sergeant Pepper. Yeah, that's too predictable, God. And then he said ACDC Back in Black because of the drumming. He said that drumming set the tone for all drumming. Wow. And third choice, Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. I think, well, hold on. All right, yeah.

Mr. Grohl, who doesn't miss a chance at promotion, and God bless him, he's a businessman. He's recording that album you know that now right no yeah so oh no shit well basically i i've i saw him in a video a while ago and he was talking about how like in nevermind how how often he does the dude dude with the drums and he goes he got that from disco that those old, like, I forget the band he was quoting that he took that from. I saw the, it wasn't Erasure, was it? I saw him quoting, he named the bands.

Yeah, right. And he goes, that's all I was doing on that album. Yeah, and in fairness, he referenced them. It was nice. Yeah. All right. But he said Disco had a big effect on his drumming. Yeah.

And that's all, folks. Quick obituary. Kathleen Demlow was born on March 19th. I am reading the obituary as it appeared in the newspaper. Okay. Born on March 9th, 1938 to Joseph and Gertrude Shunk of Wabasso, she married Denny Demlow at St. Ann's in Wabasso in 1957 and had two children, Gina and Jay.

In 1962, she became pregnant by her husband's brother, Lyle Demlow, and moved to California. She abandoned her children, Gina and Jay, who were then raised by her parents in Clements, Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Shunk. She passed away on May 31, 2018, in Springfield, and will now face judgment. She will not be missed by Gina and Jay,

and they understand that this world is a better place without her. Wait, this? This appeared in the fucking newspaper i'm waiting for like and that person is dave grow like i'm waiting for the turn in this story yeah yeah no they slipped it through they just i guess it. You know, you can write whatever you want for the obituary if you're the child of the deceased. Imagine paying for, it's like a bad Yelp review of your mom or wife. Yeah, one star.

This world will be a better place without her. You should leave that laying around for your living older parent just so they can get their shit together I love that and they will now face judgment that's fantastic alright let's do some funnies

the first one doesn't seem to be appearing in the uh script we don't uh have time to go into the jeff keen thing so let's do that next week watching that video about jeff keen okay all right first one is the lockhorns leroy and it's very sweet picture they're sitting on a bench he's got his arm around loretta they're both gazing up at the stars and he says yes it makes me feel small and insignificant but not as much as your nagging does way to way to shit on the moment leroy that's for that's great yeah uh the next one is leroy standing on the beach with loretta and he says i, I don't have a dad bod, Loretta.

It's a father figure. That's cute. You like wordplay. That worked. I'm going to use that. Yeah. Next one is they're in their changing room at home. They're both holding up their bathing suits.

And he goes, what do you say we put our egos, put away our egos and go to the beach? Let's do some Haggar the Hor boy he is horrible and it's not just him the people around him are horrible it's a horrible time it's the 11th century and and a woman is yours for the taking uh so they're in the bar and uh hager says brother olaf and a guy who looks like a friar who walks up to him and he says, I've come to help put you on the right path. Now, really, what's the humor here is what's going on in the background, which is there's a barmaid and she's got pints of beer in her hand that she's trying to deliver while this fucking goofy looking guy is dry humping her from behind. And then and then the next one hacker goes that's thoughtful but i'm not quite ready to leave for home yet but the joke is now the guy has his hands out and he is chasing her he is going to tackle and rape her that's essentially what's

going on in this comic strip perfect maybe the friars should focus more on the impending rape that's happening in the bar. We lost another. Oh, the blondie one didn't show up. Hold on. I'll just... It's in mine. I have them right here. Oh, really? Maybe I gotta open up my page bigger.

How about refresh it? How about refresh it? How about refresh it? I'm looking through all the submissions for last week's Family Circus. It's a little overwhelming how many there are. All right, here we go. Okay.

Let's do some Family Circus. All right. Well, I haven't even read it yet. I pasted it in there as we were troubleshooting my cabin Wi-Fi. So, okay. It's the little boy with red hair. He's kneeling down looking at this turtle,

probably a tortoise, and his sister's looking and they're both kneeling down looking down at a turtle. And I think the daughter is saying, keep watching and maybe we'll get to see his head go indoors. It's just a piece of shit. Oh, God. It's just like.

So listen, I just read that like you guys just heard it. Didn't even know it was going to end with the word indoors. Yeah. There's just no effort at anything no i mean it's just what stupid not even a stupid kid would never say that well i'm just telling you that you're going to read this article this interview with jeff keen and look it up people just look up jeff keen interview and uh it's not the one with the asian woman there's another one with a guy and he goes into his daily routine of writing these fucking worthless cartoons and it we'll get into it next week but i want everybody to read it so we can discuss it

together so the caption this or to watch it sorry it's video. Anybody can obviously write a caption better than this guy. So I should have put it in the document. But here was last week's. I don't know if... Can you see that, Greg? Where'd you put it? No, are you looking in the thing at me? Oh, now I am.

Oh, I see. Swatting a cat? Yep. He's swatting this cat, which is facing away from us. So there's the picture, right? So you can go to my Instagram, which is GibbonsTime, G-I-B-B-O-N-S-T-I-M-E. So there's a lot of comments. I'd say about 80 of them have something to do with the cat's asshole.

Uh-huh. Yep. So there's that. I didn't realize. I had to go back and look at it. I thought maybe you literally saw the starfish down there. But anyway, let me try to find some funny ones. Yeah, it's all about.

Also, pussy. Pussy used a lot. Yep. Listen, of course, daddy. Well, you teed that up for them. Why did I tee that up? Well, you picked a cartoon with a cat showing his asshole to a child. Well, maybe this should be what would be better that could run in a newspaper where it wouldn't be like,

ouch, daddy was right, pussies stink. I don't think that's going to make it into syndicated newspapers. Right, right. So let's see what else we got here. Let's see. You want to fight, you pussy. Oh, one guy just, or woman, I don't know, just wrote, pussy joke too easy.

That's all they wrote, which I appreciated that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's see. Let's see if there's a good one in here. Mommy, it's all about the asshole yeah yeah yeah really bad um good job prepping this segment by the way sorry i didn't really get it you could but everyone just go they're all there you can you can scratch me if you want

gubbins but denying covid vaccine shots to minorities is not right that's that's just in there. Greg Fitzsimmons told me this would cure COVID, so there's a built-in assumption that the guy did something dirty to the cat, I think, but that's a giant assumption there. Let's see.

Get back. Oh, yep, so racist jokes against Chinese delivery. They're hard to read. Maybe I. All right. Well, why don't we why don't we review these and we'll give you guys some good answers, some good captions next week. That's what we're going to do. How about or so you can go to mainstream, you know, add more. How about that? How about go back and try to add a winner that would appear in a newspaper yeah okay i think that would be good let's cheer up by watching a little blondie reading a little blondie

uh yeah what's in bed guess what he's wearing donut pajamas does he fucking wash them does he have two pairs uh did you hear that he's they're in bed she's asleep did you hear that honey hear what dear there it goes again there what goes again honey i'm pretty sure i heard a noise downstairs i think it was just your imagination dear there it goes again did you hear it i didn't hear anything so now he turns the light on and says well i better go check blondie sits up and i am telling you she has got on this fucking raspberry top off both shoulders her tits there's no bra she's not wearing a bra she's in bed in a piece of negligee that is defying gravity the hair is fucking perfect she goes if it'll make you feel better go ahead and now this how do you wake up and put the light

on and see this woman and get out of the bed and we all know what's gonna happen next he goes downstairs he comes back and she goes i smell banana cream pie he says it's just your imagination dear rolls away from this fucking this this sex goddess in his donut pajamas and goes, it's just your imagination, dear, and goes to sleep. I mean, all I can picture is now her, she has to masturbate.

She must, how does she, that body is like a fucking Maserati. It needs to be serviced. It needs to be taken to climaxes on a regular basis. It needs to be revved, yeah. This donut wearing piece of shit is not,

he's not even getting in the car. He doesn't even notice the car is in the driveway. Yeah. Terrible. Oh God. All right, Greg, back to family circus.

So I'm going to go on here. How about I'll give people till Tuesday and I'm going to heart the ones I like. So you'll see a like with me. But anyway, the one that got the most likes, Greg, was this one. Leave the cat alone, Greg. She was not presenting. I think

that's pretty solid. It's pretty funny. It's an inside joke, but it's pretty funny. Yeah an inside joke but it's pretty funny yeah that's good and of course someone else uh even the cat can't even the cat has to get out of this fucking comic strip uh get that how about this one get that cat out of here quote and then the quote is from man with two brains remember that now they were like performing surgeries like scalpel this and you're really get that cat out of here like it was just a running yeah i mean that's you know that's uh you know steve martin and of course what's his name legendary carl reiner writing

that thing yeah yeah now i know how roy horn felt in 2003 boy that's a tough one i like it a lot so anyway i'll go on there and heart them, and maybe everyone else should, and we'll see what rises to the top. All right, well, listen, thanks for listening, everybody. I've got a dinner party, Greg. A Northeast dinner party. Well, I hope

you enjoy it. Please say hi to your family for me. I will. They know I'm here with you. Yeah. It sounds lovely. Right. I got some tour dates coming up. I will be at know I'm here with you. Yeah. It sounds lovely. Right. I got some tour dates coming up. I will be at Bananas in Fort Lee, New Jersey on August 6th and 7th. Get your tickets at FitzDawg.com.

Also, I will be in Golden, Colorado, which is just outside of Denver on August 26th through the 28th. And then I'll be in Sacramento at the Punchline on September 16th through 18th. Get your tickets there. Also, I did a couple of podcasts.

I was just on Two Bears, One Cave. I co-hosted it with Tom Segura, subbed in for Bert Kreischer this past week. If you want to listen to that episode, that was a lot of fun. And then, well, whatever. And I got some other stuff coming up. Are we doing the podcast from Sacramento? Oh, yes. We're going to do it.

We're going to Sacramento. Road trip. I'm tempted to go to Austin with you. Roommate, great roommate from college, Jerry, is down there. Oh, right. Maybe I can catch the band Karongbin. Maybe they're playing in Texas. Nice, nice.

Short drive to Houston. I don't know if they live there. But there's a lot of reasons to go to Austin. All right. Let's talk about it. Yeah. Well, Adam,

our dear friend from the Comedy Store, Adam E. gets down there. Yeah. A lot of people. Yeah. All right, sir. All right.

Have fun. Say hi to the family. Want to thank Midcoast Media for helping us out. Chris Denman doing a great job. Beth Hoops. And also Key. So thank you guys. Poor Key.

Poor Key had a lot to do this week at the beginning. We had a couple of false starts. Yes. My fault, Key. I apologize. I'm going to send you a bottle of whatever you like to drink. How about that? Is that a promise?

No, no, no. I'm just, Chris should get her something. I'll pay for it, though. I'll pay for the ice cream truck this week. Does she want some mail enhancement meds? How about some lawn care? All right, man. I'll see you back in, when are you back in town?

Coming back on late, let's call it tonight, July 4th. Oh, no shit. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, we'll see you in the great Pete Scott's in town. So we'll all hang out. And by the way, everyone with fireworks in really anywhere now that Canada is on fire, for Christ's sake, be careful with your fireworks. Yeah, there's a lot of public shows are canceled.

So I know there's a lot of people putting on their own stuff. But especially in Southern California, please don't light them near a hill or or really just don't light them. Everything's going to be on fire. And don't drink and drive. And you know what? Just be kind to each other, everybody. The drinking and the driving, I think, is second to the fires. I'm kidding.

Don't do either. But boy, especially don't light any fires. Okay. All right. We'll see you next week. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy.

I see it coming, that screaming. It still startles every week. Every week. Oh,