Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 71 7/11/21

Episode Date: July 11, 2021

Mike reviews the Rogan/Chappelle/ Segura/ show in Vegas and reveals his new fixation on teen dramas. Giant Pandas are back! Will they now be hunted? Lot of love to fellow comics today. Positive Energy! Follow Mike Gibbons on Twitter @GibbonsTime

Someday papers heal And suddenly it's so clear That I'll be laughing And smiling And learning Yeah The best part of the day Is hearing Greg Fitzsimmons say

Read all about it read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. Read all about it. There he goes. Where all good things must end. And that's when Mikey Banz will tell me to take it easy. Take it easy.

All right. Greg, you're good to scream whenever you want. Read all about it. Woo! Read all about it. There he goes. Normally, newspapers are about $13. Now, these are free.

Read all about it. Sunday papers. There he goes. Hey, now. Two hours of sleep, he said. Oh, my God. No sleep whatsoever. All right. my God, no sleep whatsoever. All right.

I had three shows last night. The last one was a fucking train wreck. Wow. Yeah, it's a typical Friday night late show. It's the show that Steve Martin said made him stop being a comedian. Is that true? Yeah. Wow.

I didn't know that. They've been working all week. They woke up at 6 a.m. to work that day. They went from work to a restaurant, had a few cocktails. See, I would have thought Friday night late show was key because of every reason you just mentioned. They're exhausted. You see people fast asleep. Now, that could be me.

Fast asleep's an interesting phrase, isn't it? It is. What are you, urgently asleep? It's an oxymoron. It seems weird. Right, not intentionally, though. I guess you passed out hard, right? Fast asleep.

That's probably the origin. Is Rush Limbaugh an oxymoron? Because he's so fat he can't rush anywhere? No, because he took oxycontin and he was a moron. Oh, I got it. But also the rush was very good. Very nice. He's a double oxymoron.

Okay. All right, listen. Cancels itself so this is a strong start all right what do we got pal guess what today is today let me guess today is saturday and today that's what are you still like i know our jobs uh guessing what day it is, has always been a thing. But I really sometimes am lost. Have you been, during COVID, so lost that you're like, and I'm not doing this to be funny, where you're like, what season is it? Oh, yeah. Forget about it. I can't even keep track of my period.

I bled through a pair of white fucking khakis the other day. So embarrassing. You'd think at 55 the eggs would be dried up, you know? No, I've occasionally been caught. I've occasionally been caught. No, you look fertile. Fertile myrtle. Look at you.

You're glowing. No, I've occasionally been like, something will trigger, you know, like make me think about it. Like whether it's Sophie planning for her first year of college and like dorm assignment. I'm like, wait, is it? It's not like, is it Wednesday? It's like, is it spring? Totally. Yeah.

No, today is Josephine Rose Fitzsimmons turned 18 today. Oh my God. Yeah. Happy birthday. I mean, Sophie turned 18 a. Oh, my God. Yeah. Happy birthday. I mean, Sophie turned 18 a few weeks ago, right? She sure did. And her fake IDs just arrived. From China?

From China. With the barcode that works somehow? People don't understand how easy it is to get a fake ID now. Our kids send about $60 to China through some Venmo or whatever. And they get, like you said, it's, it's got the holograph on the front, like the,

the, the, the multi-layered California holograph. It's got the magnetic strip that when they swipe it at the bar, it fucking works. Yeah. I don't. So I,

I want to go out and have a drink with her, but I also want to approach the bouncer where I can distance myself. If she gets busted, like I don't know who she is. Cause how bad do I look? I'm taking my 18 year old-old daughter to present a false document so she can break the law. Right.

Right. So, anyway, I helped her. I picked the town, so she's from Maine. I thought that was a cool one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Now, wait. A little technical thing. you're freezing a lot on

this uh zoom that's just how that's just how i move because you're on your period yeah because i'm on my period i get i get i get menstrual cramps real bad you're kind of fast today by the way your wit your wit despite the two hours of sleep. Yeah, you seem good. Yeah, well, I'm in a good mood. I mean, you know, it's JoJo's birthday. I can't believe it. I can't believe she's 18 years old. She's a woman.

She has a fake ID, right? She did, and then she lost her wallet. But on graduation night, we went to a restaurant, and she had on her cap and gown and she ordered a beer. And the waitress said, are you 18? I go, she just graduated college. And they served her without checking the ID. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. All right. So you kind of already did it. But we'll see. You know, I went actually, when I was in long Island

last week, I went to the place. It's exactly the same. It's called the, it was called the beverage barn in West Hampton beach, New York. And I've told this story before, but I actually told the woman working there, the story I'm like this place, it smells the exact same. I go, the only difference is your big desk with your microphone. because it's like a distribution center almost. It's this huge, you could order it. They dolly out kegs for you. It's a warehouse. So I go, it used to be on the right side there.

And I told her the story. What are you talking about? When you were young? My Dartmouth ID. I think I was 16 tops. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. But the drinking age was 18.

So maybe I was, anyway, I got a Dartmouth ID. It looked like the fakest thing ever. I think I might have gotten in Times Square, back when Times Square was Times Square. And anyway, I walk in terrified. Big guy. It was like from Porky's. And anyway, I go, case of beer, please. And I snapped down, like cockily snapped down the ID. He didn like from Porky's. And anyway, I go, uh, case of beer, please. And I snapped down

like, you know, like cockily snapped down the ID on his, he didn't even ask for ID. So then I like walk around. I'm like, just be cool. Just be cool. Like just peruse, just stare blankly at all these case stack cases of beer. And then I've told you this over the, over the intercom. Then it's like, he's like, uh, Hey Dartmouth, what flavor? Which was the best. And I apologize. I know I've told this story, but that guy, to treat me like a kid ordering ice cream, was the strongest move ever. And he gave it to me.

So that's what she said. Her big story was, and did he give you the quesadilla? Now, meanwhile, it's probably her grandfather. Yeah. Who I'm talking, this giant Porky's type character. But anyway, I told them that story and they were very proud of it. That's amazing. Yeah.

When we were kids, you went down to Times Square. Back when Times Square was legitimately dangerous. Yeah. And we'd walk into these sex shops and in the back, they would have these fake ID setups. And you go back and they'd snap your photo. they would have these fake ID setups. And you'd go back and they'd snap your photo. And for whatever, 30 or 40 bucks,

they'd give you the worst ID imaginable. It was so fucking fake. But you'd go to the Spanish bodegas in New York and they didn't give a shit. As long as you showed them something, they gave you beer. And weird photos on all those fake IDs because all of us have an erection. So we're just like, hi.

Right. Why is there a dildo in the shot? At the DMV, this guy bought a bunny-eared vibrator? Dude, Indiana has weird, weird Department of Motor Vehicles. So how was that? You just got back from Vegas today. Yesterday. I drove back yesterday.

One night. One night rule in Vegas. But yeah, drove out without even a ticket. Drove out to see Chappelle and Rogan in Vegas. Yeah. And it was pretty incredible, I have to say. Really? Chappelle.

So, I mean, I know, but I am giving it a lot of thought, but I don't think there's any other way to say it. I think he's the greatest of all time. Wow. You know, oddly, who I think about when I say that, and it sounds like I'm trying to be funny, but Cosby was on that list. Now, is he still on that list? I think so. Do you think he'll try to do another date oh i know we talked about that last week i don't know but i'm just talking about all right so tom segura all right so

dj starts the night right long night and i i luckily you were able to leave and they unlocked your phone and you could leave and then not go on the giant security line again. I mean, this was in the MGM Grand Arena. By the way, Vegas is packed. This show I was at was Thursday night. When I left Friday, the whole other side of the highway. By the way, it was packed when I was there Thursday night. The whole other side of the highway is just bumper to bumper traffic because of the UFC fight. McGregor's fighting tonight, Saturday night in Vegas. But I mean, no masks, just packed. Now,

the poster for Chappelle Rogan said masks required. And they handed you Rogan and Chappelle masks when you walked in. And I think an announcement at the beginning said everybody, you know, should put their masks on. Not one. I mean, they're covering their asses. You're right. Like we gave out masks. We announced it because obviously they're going to get criticized for this like sardine can. I mean, talk about a Petri dish. Like sardine can.

I mean, talk about a Petri dish. Well, not only that, but I always say like with comedy shows, everybody is expelling bursts of fucking breath as they're laughing for three hours. Yeah, it was crazy. So, all right. So DJ starts. Then Donnell. Donnell Rawlings. Who was the best favorite of all of them.

He immediately lowered the bar. He just said, let's just get this all out. And then he started name calling, like, you know, the just just every inappropriate like. And he just got them all out like it's been pent up from, you know, from the lockdown. And that's obviously a huge favor because now Chappelle talking about, you know, trans issues is like, that's absolutely fine, you know, because of what he did. So Donnell was really funny. And then he kind of emceed it. Then he brought up Tom Segura who killed, I gotta say, like Tom did really well. And it was a pretty short set. I mean, maybe 20 minutes, something like that.

And then Rogan and Rogan did really well. Uh, like an hour was great. Had one great bit where he like kind of tricks women into exposing, uh, some view they have. And like, and so that was a very like, you know, well executed, uh, bit that he did and then chapelle no like then uh rogan introduces chapelle like uh donnell didn't even come back right and it's just i've never used this phrase more accurately it's just next level like those guys did really well like there was one segura story about um taking a shower with his son that is kind of like a perfect comedy bit story yeah i've seen that bit solid bit right with some hard jokes and you and as you're watching you're like wow if i did stand up i wish i could have i wish i could have a story that that's solid then this guy comes on you're like holy shit my dreams are so many levels below

what i'm seeing now like my aspiration my wish list was to be as good as segura's story and then and dude all i can tell you is i and i was stoned but i i i tried to break it down. I'm like, first of all, he has a fucking Shakespearean actor's voice. I never realized that. And it demands attention and there's gravity. Yeah. Well, you compare him to Cosby. Cosby had that same thing. And he knows how to use it.

Yeah. Right. I mean, Cosby was an athlete. He was a musician. He's a great piano player. There's so many aspects of rhythm and physicality that go into comedy that you possess when you're an athlete and a musician. And both those guys have that. And, yeah, really flexing the range of his voice as well and then man i mean you know there's a

reason phones are locked up and you know and i don't want to talk about his bits because that's the whole point but it's like whole i mean i'd say there he lost a bunch of women i'd say along the way uh they weren't laughing as hard towards the end because gloves were, gloves were off and he has a lot to say, a lot to say about me too. And it's a giant, I told you so. And, uh, yeah, there was a, it was just like, I said out loud, I said, holy shit, probably five times during his set. Wow.

Like, holy shit. I can't believe he's saying this and keep in mind what I was there for. Right. I was there for that. Yeah. How, how long did he go on for?

I don't know. I had a piece so fucking badly. Uh, and you're like, I'm like seven. I'm like packed in there. And by the way, really terrible

seats up high and chrysler did me i fucking wrote them i'm like hey i hear sagura's going up uh and and i'm like one ticket i'm just i just need like one can you give me one and i even said like i'll pay for it maybe there's house seats and uh nothing nothing nothing came back so thanks bert and um so anyway uh i'd say an hour and how much was the ticket well so the people i met some people fans of the podcast here but i brought up for erin her and her friends uh christy and this guy daniel and daniel had another ticket and he gave it to me for 100 bucks which I think is below face value. Dude, so tickets were going for $100. There were probably $300 up front.

17,000 people is the MGM grant. Two nights in a row. So 35,000 tickets. That's like $4 million. No, that's like $7 million. No, that's like $7 million. I don't even know. In two shows. Jesus Christ.

He did over an hour, and then I ran the- I did three shows last night. You know what I made? $90 total. I got 20 at one, 50 at one, and 20 at the last one. Well, you got to spin it positive. The math is a lot easier to do. You didn't struggle at all with your math,

but your brain couldn't even wrap around their number. I can't imagine. If I made that much money in two nights, I'd be like, I guess I'm done. I guess I'll go retire now. Get some books. Just fucking read. Here's one joke I can talk about, because I don't think it's a joke.

But so he thanked everybody. And then I'm like, holy shit, I'm going to piss myself. So I ran out. But then he called up Joe Rogan. So I go, oh, they're thanking each other. But then they started riffing. So I came back in the stadium. And I think they're just like, and literally it was like you got it you got anything else joe

like you know it was just but i i it's so are you going on rogan yeah uh in a week or two i don't know how you could ask this but so they were both this was the most fascinating part of the whole night to me they're both standing on stage and they would like talk about things. And it was kind of funny. Like, uh, Chappelle talked about, uh, getting Corona and he's really, you know, he also has that bravado and he's cocky. And then a self-deprecating thing can come in. Like, he's like, you know, I was out there and this is a setup to one of his bits, but he's like, you know, listen, I got out there. I was brave. He's like, yeah, I got out there. I did outdoor shows. I had people come and do outdoor shows. I wasn't locked down the whole time. And let me tell you something. Everyone in my crew got that fucking disease. He's like, he's like, it's real. It was so, so funny. He's like, don't fuck with it. And it wasn't the direction you were expecting

at all. And so yeah and he goes but when he had it and this is now when he's out with rogan so these weren't bits so i don't feel bad about sharing but he's like uh he's like so i'm like laying in bed and all this and and when i had and i turn on the tv and then i'm watching like all this crime and all this Asian hate. And he's like, and I'm watching news footage of all these black people, uh, beating up Asians. And he's like, I thought,

I thought it occurred to me that like, that's kind of what's going on inside my body right now. And then he just like dies laughing. And then he's like, Joe, you got anything? And, I don't remember what it was. Then Joe would do something.

But this is what I, I don't know if you can ask Rogan this, but Rogan is so self-effacing, maybe he would do it. So all of a sudden, I don't know what topic it was. Rogan started to talk about it. And then Attell went off. He just went on this. Attell? Ch it's chapelle sorry chapelle it was like he built a thing with three scenarios that was so it was like if there were a stenographer it would have been a flawless you don't have to rewrite a word sketch on like the Chappelle show. Really? And it,

and I think it was all off the top of his head cause it was off something Rogan said and he built up and Rogan was wearing a suit and tie. I'm not kidding you. I wish I could like, I wish there was an image recorded of it was just standing there staring at him and the camera would catch him. And I mean, people are falling out, dying,

laughing and, and Rogan's been laughing at him, you know, a lot, but Rogan was, and I'm, and I'm wondering if Rogan was aware of it. And if I could, the untactful question would be, were you just awestruck in that riffing thing you did after after you said thank yous at the end of the night when Chappelle launched into this thing, you know, my buddy was in the audience and he couldn't help notice that like you were just, and you had laughed at him all night, but you were like just like slack-jawed, literally staring at him. Don't forget, Joe smokes a phenomenal amount of marijuana. It also might have been that.

Yeah. I could see that. I mean, Chappelle, it's easy to stand and be in awe of that guy. The way his mind works is such a combination of a quick mind that is thoroughly organized and then you add that voice

and physicality and just coolness. The coolness the coolness factor that you just can't fake he's just the he's just the coolest guy out there and in the round is a lot i'm going on a lot about this but hopefully viewers or listeners are interested but in the round is fantastic because chapelle also presents like he's in a movie so he'll he'll be he'll be pacing one way and he'll whip around and look at you and deliver the punchline

like there's a camera that he has to look in and you're behind him. Yeah, yeah. And he does those quick little moves like, what bitch? And it really works when he's surrounded versus just a normal theater

where it's more two-dimensional. Anyway, holy shit. Speaking of Bert, I guess our podcast finally came out. He recorded us. How long ago? Four months ago. March, March, April, May, June, July. Four months ago.

We recorded his podcast. It's out this week. If you guys want to check it out, the Bert cast. And we should maybe apologize in advance. You know, listen, this is before Asian hate. BLM was very new. So we said some interprompting. We had no idea people were going to be sensitive about this whole.

The gays couldn't get married yet. It was a different time. The gays couldn't get married yet. It was a different time. We still believe that men should be able to put on makeup and get in a ring with a woman. But now we understand. Exactly. Yeah, I peeked at it.

I guess it came out yesterday. Yeah, there's some chatter on Twitter about it. People are digging it. It was fun. I'm glad we had good energy. I know that. I remember that day. Yeah.

He was building his house. Jesus Christ, that mansion he's building. I know. Also, he can move to Austin probably in six months. Yeah. Update on Dennis Gubbinsins everybody's favorite golfer yesterday on the sixth hole he missed a putt and proceeded to whip his driver at a tree his putter at a tree and broke it in half um so he had to putt the rest of the day holding just the broken bottom part of the putter. And he nailed it, and that's his future.

He finally figured out his short putting, yeah. That was a relatively new club, right? He has expensive clubs. It's an expensive club, yeah. Wow. Yeah. But I'm always afraid when he misses a putt. It is like my dad was a rageaholic also and it really

does bring back childhood shit with me and i even said that to him sometimes i said i said something like i was like i was like dennis i feel like this is an abusive relationship with the father and son he goes well that's your he goes that's your baggage and i was like he's 100 right but i'm also 100 and also that's exactly what your dad would have said. Exactly. Except my dad would have been drunk, not high. When you hit me like that, I think it's causing some permanent down. Well, that's your baggage. But having a friend who's unhinged, I mean, I'm not, I guess I am calling Dennis unhinged, but no, no,

but you know what I mean? Like someone, and we all have them, someone who has a short, let's just call it a short temper, a short fuse. I mean, that's one of the greatest devices in all storytelling, like Scorsese. Oh, I mean, Pesci and Goodfellas. Yeah. It creates a tension and it is that tension that the best example is like having the unpredictable parent who could snap. And you live with that. But in friend groups, it's just as menacing. It really is.

Like you said, being afraid of like now you're really rooting for Dennis to drain this pot because you just want things to go smoothly. Exactly. Meanwhile, the guy's high. to drain this pot, like, because you just want things to go smoothly. Exactly. Meanwhile, the guy's high. I thought pot mellowed people out. Who can throw a fucking putter when they're on a 20 milligram edible? So you have indica sativa. You know, what's the best for rage? I don't want to fall asleep, but I'd love to really have an explosive anger attack.

Yeah. Does Chuck Norris have an edible? All right. All right. So let's get to it. We want to thank- What are we doing, news? Let's thank our-

Well, first of all, let's thank John Cabrera for that amazing song. All right. So I didn't hear it, but which one? I wrote back to you. I listened to a few that you emailed. These people are knocking out. It's so nice, first of all. And some of them are really impressive.

Some of them. And John Cabrera did this one, and then he just turned in another one yesterday. And let me reiterate this. one and then he just turned in another one yesterday and let me reiterate this we fucking love the energy and the care that you guys and your talent that you put into these songs we also appreciate the guy who's on mushrooms and is driving on the 405 south recording it on his iphone and then he puts it into garage band and throws some like whatever send it all we fucking love it incredible so cool so this is a great one band and throw some big, like, whatever. Send it all. We fucking love it. Incredible.

So cool. And the artwork. And then the artwork is from Michael Solomon. It's the, uh, it's Mike Gibbons as, I guess, as Dennis Gubbins? Is that the superhero? It looks like, well, it's, yeah, it's Gubbins, it's Bogey Gubbins. Let's call it Bogey Gubbins. And then I'm Christopher Reeve before the horse riding accident.

Oh, boy. Because I'm still standing up. Oh, by the way, wait, very quick Christopher Reeve story. Wait, hold on. Very quick Christopher Reeve story. It is worth it. It's funny. So he's post-accident.

He's in his wheelchair, right? And it's terrible and all that hbo has him because the hbo then is like you know we're working with him and it was a celebratory thing so i worked at hbo in new york he we're invited up to this theater in the grace building uh by times square and we're all there and this is for internal hbo people and he's backstage miked wet ready to be wheeled out uh to say thank you and all that but they didn't kill his mic and you just and because and everyone in the audience was like oh my god and he had this trouble breathing and you could hear the trouble breathing

miked and it was like darth vader was waiting for this you know you know to come out oh my god so embarrassing and nothing you could do about it yeah that's like leslie nielsen peeing with a microphone on in uh in uh police squad police squad um naked gun yeah um i think we got five for our golf uh tea time tomorrow by the way all right tommy loman just confirmed um perfect corrections uh rick schwartz says uh the wright brothers first achieved powered flight in December 1903, not 1919. All right, I was off by 16 years. All right. I think I might have even hesitated.

Maybe not. But when you said that, you come out very confidently with your statistics. Yeah. Matt Pulse starts his letter saying, hi, Nimrods. Twice you incorrectly attributed impact of legalized abortion on crime to Malcolm Gladwell. In reality, it was Stephen Levitt in Freakonomics. You did get the gist correct. Lower crime because of tissue in a medical bag in a dumpster somewhere. Oh, God. Wait, I have a correction for this correction. It's high nimrod, singular, with the S in parentheses, because this is all you. You didn't correct me. Part of being a team is that one guy's got the other guy's back.

The podcast is already so long. If I had to correct you, every time I sniffed out some fit stat, I don't know how long this would be. Is that what it's called now, a fit stat? I think it's a fit stat. Levitt posited that 1973 abortion increase caused a relationship to decrease crime in the 80s. Okay.

Gladwell in Tipping Point detailed the crack epidemic is correct. This was the tangent you went on while talking abortion. All right. So I confused a couple of things. How about this? Every time you let loose with a fact, it should come with an asterisk. See that? Nice. That's even wordplay for you. It's fantastic.

You could have written for Sex and the City. Oh man, could I have? Except it didn't rhyme with jizz. So, Mike, this week's podcast is brought to you by one of our favorite sponsors because they treat us well. HelloFresh.

They send us meals so we can sample them and we can relay to you guys our experience with them. And I got to tell you, right out of the gate, I love the concept. They send you pre-measured ingredients with seasonal recipes. You don't have to go to the grocery store. You don't have to measure stuff. You don't have to figure out what you're going to cook. They just send you these recipes. It's America's number one meal kit.

Didn't you get one recently? Dude, I cooked three of them times two. Because they give you two. That's the other thing is they package it at least the ones i got they packaged it individually so it's like especially if like me like when the kids aren't here i'd be alone it's like oh now i gotta do math and divide this by three or two or something and nope there are the two the two chickens like you know shrinkpped or whatever it is. And I loved it, man. It also is cooking.

Easily done, but your sous chef and prep cook already took care of everything. That's a good way of looking at it. It's like you have a sous chef. It's like you have a fat, nerdy guy from Persia who's Persia. What? Okay. But the, and HelloFresh actually, a good name because it's not like, here's a meal kit. All you do is put this in the microwave for a minute.

You know what I mean? Like it's not that. These are fresh ingredients and I'm not reading copy. I honestly really like the experience and they could have gone way simpler. I'm not saying it's more complicated to make, but it's like, wow, there's like two or three more ingredients here that make this dish

that you could have totally not included. You know what I mean? But it still only takes 15 to 20 minutes, and here's the best part. It's 28% cheaper than shopping at your local grocery store. So right out of the gate, it's 72% cheaper than going to a restaurant. So do it. 90% cheaper than buying stuff at Whole Foods in LA.

Go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers14 and use code PAPERS14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. Go to HelloFresh.com slash Papers14. Use code PAPERS14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping. It's America's number one meal kit for a reason. HelloFresh, I just sold this pretty hard. How about three more free meals? There you go. Am I allowed to say that?

I'm allowed to say this. Let's go to the front page. Oh, man, it's starting. Here we go. Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! I didn't even read this story. It was too dense, and you did not bold a headline. So I don't even know.

All I see is the Biden administration, the first three words. The Biden administration has directed its immigration officers to avoid arresting pregnant women and nursing women and set new guidelines for treatment when they were taken into government custody. That's all you need to know. Could have bolded that. I would have read it. So, ladies, stuff a pillow under your dress and head for the border. So there's a new policy for sluts? Again, if you don't bold the headline, I don't know how to read this.

What is it saying? It's saying that I guess you're going to be pro-life. If you're trying to get into this country, be pro-life. Keep that baby. All right, hold on. Let's review here. Oh, avoid arresting. Okay.

But they are going to be taken into custody, maybe. All right. It says here, the gender-neutral language used in the memo means the directive also includes transgender men. And it applies to anyone postpartum who has given birth within a year. How does a transgender man give birth within a year? I guess if you've still got your reproductive organs, but you've transitioned it to a man. I'm out again. I'm no longer into this.

Now I don't understand it anymore. You have to bold everything. I can't focus. Here's one you're going to understand. Oh, a new story? What? Ripping through them. I love it. Bronze statues of two Confederate generals

were removed from pubic property in Charlottesville, Virginia on Saturday, almost four years after they were a flashpoint for a violent Unite the Right rally that left one person dead. Were they bronze because they came in third? The truth won. There it is. First it was righteousness, then the North,

and then in third place the South. Yeah. Slaves came in first. Northerners came in second. Yeah. And the south came in third. So machinery first lifted the statue of Robert E. Lee on Market Street

Park from its stone base, and then they removed a stone wall Jackson one two hours later. They'll both be placed in storage. Here's the thing about these statues. Everybody is always debating whether or not you're whitewashing history if you take these things down. And then, of course, the really ignorant view is that this is part of our heritage.

My feeling is leave the statues up, but put context around them. Leave the statues up, but put context around them. Put a plaque that explains why these people were, you know, basically treasonous. And if you're going to have a Confederate soldier, have a Union soldier standing next to him with his dick in the Confederate soldier's mouth. Or in his hand. Could be in his hand could be in his hand what about a giant civil war statue of uh diarrhea which was the number one killer in the civil war just a pile of diarrhea a huge pile of diarrhea so we remember how we lost most of our brothers and uh don't think sisters, right? Brothers.

Yeah. And dude, there was no toilet paper in those fields. You were laying next to fucking thousands of men with no toilet paper. What was that like? The Civil War was full on bonkers. Yeah. Bonkers. Yeah. I just read Grant's biography, and it was really insane.

Just like the feeding, the feeding of that many soldiers when you're in the middle of nowhere. There's no store. So they would just basically slaughter the fucking local cattle. Grant had to feed Lee's soldiers upon when lee surrendered that's right that was part of the conditions he's like i also need you we read that newsletter this is we we read this historian who's who's unbelievable she's a professor of history at boston college and you want to say your name i'm bad with names what is it it is heather cox richardson she's a fucking rock star dude and so her account of that surrender and from the documents and from what they knew uh and it was

related to historians it is such a i mean that's a that is a tough position lees in the you know what i mean with the whole southern pride so many of them were the no surrender. Like, let's just all die for this cause. And he had to go hand in hat, or the other way around, to Grant. And Grant fucking let him save face. Grant was a gentleman. They always treated the, and you know, Lee went on to hold government positions after that. I didn't know that.

Yeah. Yeah. So back to your statue thing. That's very interesting. I like that idea, but that shows you how it's really hard to have like one position that applies to, you know, everything. how it's really hard to have like one position that applies to, you know, everything like, cause last week I asked you should like gone with the wind in that buzzfeed, like, you know, uh, basically trigger trigger warning test. How should we deal with, uh, with offensive material

and older works of art? And like, should there there be a warning and i think you had said no i say yeah i would say no so like it's interesting because the statue is like gone with the wind you know what i mean and should it be presented with a warning and that's you're saying the statue should and i agree by the way i'm not i'm not i'm not nitpicking here but it's it's interesting how it's it's different. I don't know. Yeah, I guess in a way because when I think of the statues, I think of those as monuments, as statements about history. And when I think about a book or a movie, it's a work of art

and that the art should stand on its own without – the artist has the final say on how their work is presented, as opposed to a monument where I think history can give it context. You know, postmodern history can give it context. I buy that. And I, for the record, I do not want any warning or description on the giant statue of diarrhea. I think that is a work of art, not just a monument. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Let's do some entertainment. Ooh, already? What do we, let me get down there. All right. Chappelle and Rogan, Sikora and Vegas did it. Let me get down there.

All right. Chappelle and Rogan, Sikora and Vegas did it. I've watched the newest two episodes of the show, Dave. I'm sorry. There's nothing like it on television. It's so, for me, I don't know. It's so great. What else?

Oh, I also giggled. I heard mixed reviews. I heard a couple people were telling me that they don't think it's great this season. Uh, no, I was one of them. The first two episodes following the season one finale, which is unfollowable in my estimation, but there's one episode now with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and he had a really popular song, little Dickie about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And so in real life, and it was like three years ago and, uh, he,

uh, so Kareem Abdul-Jabbar wants to interview him for the Los Angeles times. Cause he, he writes for them very frequently and he gets so self-conscious cause it's, he feels Kareem's coming at him about cultural appropriation. And it's, it's just this great episode. It's just a great episode.

I can't recommend it more highly. Dude, Andrew Santino is so good in that. He's really got something. He's a super talented guy. And his acting is, it's just like he's got a voice. And I can see him working a lot for the next however many years because you can just stick him into a show you know you can write for him he's easy to write for and um you know the only thing that could ever hold him back is that he's very outspoken

on his podcast you know he's a fucking renegade he says anything and uh you know you wonder if you know some people are so careful in this business about not ever saying anything that's politically incorrect he doesn't give a fuck so i i i hope to god that never haunts him because he's got the makings of being a guy who's like could really be a leading man he's just so funny uh and he is in that role he is spot you know i i have to say this too it's like i don't know i mean like jeff garland and curb is perfect like every time i'm like that is exactly what an agent would be doing there that's exactly what he would like it's like like garland garland's character isn't going for jokes at all like in

it it's like very real larry david is you know he's obviously the straight man as an agent would be and i feel the same about um santino like it's like that is what a friend trying to straddle that line between manager and friend would be exactly like. Right, right. On the show. All right, I also giggled like a little schoolgirl on the plane when I went back east watching season two of Pen15. You sure you want to say that out loud on a podcast? No, I will stand by that.

Those two girls are so fucking funny on pen 15 they are funny as shit oh my god and by the way which all funny people i think like all like people in the funny business like me like you when we're writing we just love when a show isn't scared to go serious and there's sad, like her parents are getting divorced and they lean into it. And I, I loved it. I loved it. I wish if they were smart, they would stop doing interviews. They should just let, because I had no idea how old they were in real life. And it's totally distracting now when I watch it that I know that they're in their thirties.

life and it's totally distracting now when i watch it that i know that they're in their 30s but what's amazing is i'm watching this about a girl she's in her 30s right but she's playing 15 or whatever 6 16 and uh and she's upset about her parents of course but i'm full on board and it's like you're like i'm not thinking about that like'm watching a little, I'm watching a teenage girl be heartbroken by her parents. Yeah. Right. And, and that layer, they're so good. That layer doesn't even come into my mind. Yeah.

Oh, this is weird. She's playing a 15 year old who's really sad, you know, and she's not that much younger than the actors playing her parents. Um, all right. Have you watched, I think you should leave by Tim Robinson season two. Who's Tim Robinson, dude. I think you should leave. We talked about season one. It opened with the, the, the push pull door where he leaves an interview in a coffee shop and he pulls

it. He's like, I think that's push. He's like, no, no, no, it's pull also. And like, he just won't, he won't push the door. And that, that was like, I think that was the start of season one. And I'm like, oh my God, I couldn't be more on board. Anyway, it is so out there. Season two, just, it's like, I don't even know what that writer's room is like because it's like hey i have a germ of an idea and i think what is said most often that is that's all we need yeah and that's also that's all we'll shoot really yeah all right i'm putting it down on my list of shows to watch right now you've seen it are you sure yeah he was in detroiters i think that's what it was called um he's he's like an awkward he presents as a very awkward guy maybe space between his teeth

he's like goofy looking but he really you know does everything to uh highlight that and yeah there you see him you know him yeah no i don, I don't know. Oh, never seen him. There's a lot of Jeff Nichols, my stepbrother in in his character, in his persona. And there's a juvenile obsession, which I had a lot with Ben Hoffman. And by the way, there's a lot of Ben, the Ben show on Comedy Central, which might be the funniest show I ever worked on. There's a lot of those vibes in this show, like an absolute just obsession with like a 14 year old juice of profanity, you know, like just there's a lot of that. All right. So you're into a lot of teen shows lately. Interesting. Yeah. Why not um go ahead i wanted to also mention last night when i was doing stand-up mark curry is out doing

stand-up remember hanging with mr cooper maybe you don't but uh dude that dude is so fucking funny he was uh nice yeah he's just popping in, doing spots, working on some new shit. But I just wanted to give him a shout out. Now, what's going on at Cannes? The Cannes Festival is, I think, at not full capacity, but some capacity. I don't trust anything that comes out of Cannes because of this exact headline. But go ahead. Matt Damon moved to tears after Stillwater receives a five-minute standing ovation at Cannes.

That's called people leaving the theater. Five minutes? I remember reading headlines. I guess it must have been two years ago because of COVID. But it might have even been longer than five minutes. But five minute standing ovation is the most it has to be the most awkward thing in the world right it's like watching the state of the union yeah but then times four more minutes it's it's it's so that's like inappropriately long it's the french you know the fucking french i don't know it's an international group but i

then also saw okay so five minutes standing ovation so obviously obviously what these people have seen is the most life-changing 118 minutes ever recorded and shown to human beings. Meanwhile, it has a 76% on Rotten Tomatoes right now. And I've seen online, people are saying it might be the worst movie they've ever seen. Wow. Now, there'll always be that, even about good movies. But I'd love to see where this, a month from now, we'll probably have seen it. And I can't wait to, maybe we'll give it a five-minute standing ovation in our living room. There was a movie about nuns with a sex scene at Cannes—

I'm looking up the movie right now— that also got a five-minute standing ovation. It's called Benedetta. It's a Paul Verhoeven movie yeah yeah he's apparently it's two nuns just just going to town on each other they're using a uh they're using a a virgin mary statuette to masturbate each other's vaginas. And they're nuts. Well, this has been done a lot. It's not, it's a kind of a film festival. It's called Pornhub. Yeah, right.

Well, they say it's as, did you see Blue is the Warmest Color? No. Oh, oh. I mean, I'm talking, it is full on lesbian porn in a French film. But like shot beautifully by an amazing crew.

It's like, go watch Blue is the Warmest Color. Well, it might be cool. I'm into shows where women play 15-year-old girls, so listen, I'm open to anything. Right. Yeah. So this one apparently also got a five-minute standing ovation. Here's a five-minute standing ovation. Here's a five-minute standing ovation. Imagine like a dinner party.

Like, thank you so much for like dinner. No, thank you. It's like, oh, it's nothing. No, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You put so much. No, it's cool.

You know, it was great. You guys came. No, no, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for fucking five minutes. Yeah. No one wins in that. I mean, I would have cut my wrist if I was Matt Damon.

Unbelievable. You just sit there nodding. It didn't happen. It didn't happen. There wasn't a five-minute standing ovation. It's impossible. You would walk out. Yeah.

I'm angry about it, Greg. Okay. Thank you. All right. So let's get to— Hold on. I've got to close some windows. Now I'm down a rabbit hole about the 69ing nuns.

Florida, man. Let's do some Florida, man. I love this. Bigfoot believers to gather in Lakeland, Florida to discuss reported sightings and also, well, I'll get to that part next, but it wasn't the headline. Alright, Florida has the third largest

number of Bigfoot sightings in the country. Surprise. I'm shocked it's third, by the way. Only behind California and Washington. The bulk of them are over on this side. Polk County, this guy claimed. He's the organizer of the inaugural Great Florida Bigfoot Conference, which is happening today, Saturday.

The Green Swamp Wilderness Preserve is seen as a treasure trove for Bigfoot researchers. preserve is seen as a treasure trove for Bigfoot researchers. And even in the article, they put researchers in quotes. Some people believe Florida is home to an entirely unique species of Bigfoot known as the, quote, skunk ape. It's a point of debate in the community. I'm sure it is. But of course Florida's going to have its own Bigfoot. It's like we do Florida, man.

This is Florida Bigfoot. Florida Bigfoot, which, by the way, a lot of Italian men retire in Florida. So, case solved. Just throw some gabagoo out, and you'll be able to throw a fucking net on one of them. Did it have a tremendous amount of back hair?

Was it holding a giant piece of food, eating it with the back hair everywhere? Was he slapping around his Bigfoot wife? It's a little weird, all the jewelry. Yeah. A lot of gold chains and bracelets. Bigfoot had a pinky ring?

Huh. Is he wearing capizios? No clothes, just capizios. So that's the, I mean, Florida, come on. You got enough. You don't need to throw Bigfoot. That's like over the top now. Yeah. Yeah. It's a joke on I mean, Florida, come on. You got enough. You don't need to throw big. That's like over the top now. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a joke on a joke, Florida. Yeah. All right. All right. Let's go international. Here we go. Giant pandas are no longer an endangered species.

Oh, will Panda Express be happy? Oh, boy. China officials have announced a massive win for conservation efforts in the country. The number of giant pandas living in the wild has reached more than 1,800, meaning the species has been reclassified as vulnerable, Chinese officials said earlier this week. Of course they're vulnerable. That's why they're lovable, Greg. That's right.

Well, if they're vulnerable, maybe the pandas are going to need emotional support dogs. The new classification comes after Beijing carried out some major activities and measures to protect biodiversity and achieve remarkable results, said Kwee Shon Kong, head of the Ministry of Ecology. I think you actually nailed it. They said it is notoriously difficult to get pandas to breed both in captivity and in the wild. Well, perhaps we can send over a box of those blue chews we've been fucking shucking here on the show for the last few months. And maybe they could watch those nuns get it on.

Who knows what will happen? They're also black and white. Ah, that's true. Yeah. Do you think, all right, honest question. Do you think because now they're off that list and this is what happens in America. I think because now they're off that list, and this is what happens in America, as soon as grizzlies or wolves come off a list, there's a lot of chatter about, can they go on the hunting list? Yeah.

So do you think pandas will... Just hunting a panda makes me die laughing. They're just going to be sitting there like an idiot chewing bamboo, and you're going to have their dumb, vulnerable face in your scope, and it's just looking around like, duh. With a fucking giant belly hanging out. I mean, calling them a bear is such a stretch. It should be like a panda.

I don't even know what it would be. It's panda marsupial. Panda, they're not a marsupial. Panda hamster. It is like a hamster. Yeah. It is like a big rodent.

And they're going to have some fucking AR-15 aimed at it that can rip off 15 shots a second and rip its cute little face off. And then do you eat it? What do you think a panda tastes like? I guess, well, like Panda Express. Mushu Panda. I think, but no, you know what? They're like guinea pigs.

They're like guinea pigs. Right, right. So they're panda pigs. Panda pigs. But they are just so like, it's like shooting like some old man with dementia who's just like eating like chips watching TV. Like that's what shooting a panda is like.

Right, right, right. It's date rape. Wait, wait, what? Of a drunk girl. Yeah, it's date raping a drunk girl. That's what shooting a panda is. Oh, an incredibly cute, vulnerable, fat, drunk girl who doesn't see it coming? Right.

Maybe it's a nun. That's where you went. Maybe you're date raping a nun who's almost passed out on holy wine. Black and white, cute, vulnerable. Oh, my God. I don't know if I can pull the trigger on a panda. It just feels a little mean. All right.

Listen, let's go to another story. Okay. The British IT professional has revealed that his attempt to recover his lost fortune in Bitcoin. Oh, we talked about this. We talked about this. All right. Good. Let's stay on this story.

Oh, we talked about this. We talked about this. All right, good. Let's stay on this story. Well, he's been sponsored by a multi-billion dollar hedge fund that is willing to cover any and all costs associated with the hunt, including necessary equipment. James Howells, a British IT professional who threw out a hard drive containing, ready, $275 million in Bitcoin. $275 million in Bitcoin. Is planning a landfill search utilizing x-ray scanning machines and AI technologies to complete 12-month planned specialized search. I love it.

Yeah, this guy, they would not let him check out the landfill if we did this story. And he was like, you guys I will give half of it to the town I will sign every form that if I get some crazy disease that's brewing in this pile I will not sue just let me fucking go through the garbage and they would have none of it he said he'd give them 55 million dollars this is a town called Newport, Wales. What do you think Newport, Wales brings in in a year in taxes? 12 to 15 pounds? Oh, my God. I mean, just off the top of my head. First of all, create a reality show.

Ready? Here it is. I got it. Create a reality show. That's number one. And the reality show is you let people get two hours in the landfill if they find it they get to keep a million dollars yeah and it's one after the other and you see their process you could even do like uh like an in-depth reality show which is like what is

your approach going to be it's like well I studied what months the earliest landfill was back then. It's not going to be in that section. Uh, he, he threw out that hard drive in like the fall of whatever, 2015. Uh, I think it's in the Northeast corner. Like I would watch that. No, I think you gotta, you gotta, you gotta rate, jack it up a little bit, release a hundred, uh, a hundred guys at a time with weapons, like Mad Max, and they go in there looking for the hard drive, and they're killing each other. They're on drugs. I mean, let's ratchet this thing all the way up. And at the end, they get not a million.

They get $20 million, $50 million. I mean, this is a 250 million dollar prize like a hundred games inside the landfill yes okay that's your show i say we do two shows and we see who does better mine is lesbian nuns have all the time they want to find this thing and the only distractions are there's a few pandas that they have to kill. It's called callbacks. Yes. And, yeah, I just want to see a nun and a panda in a 69 position,

high on Eucharistic wine. Imagine if you had to try to, you wouldn't, it would be like the ultimate, I'm trying to kill the panda, but I honestly can't tell who's who. We used to have a nun at the church i went to and she was smoking hot sister eileen she had like red hair and green eyes you couldn't tell about her body it seemed decent but she was wearing the burka dude a hot nun gets laid i'm sorry i'm just saying it Oh yeah. Uh, because you have so many guys who were in there. I mean, I don't know. I mean, obviously there's a lot of gay priests who went in because they were promised no sex and they were trying to escape their urges. But I think

you also have a lot of guys, you know, who are trying to follow it by the book. They're straight, We're trying to follow it by the book. They're straight, haven't had sex probably ever. Yep. And now you've got this hot nun. You have the high holy. Never mind the other nuns. I wasn't even talking about homosexual sex. Right.

Now a straight Sally Field kind of a nun would get a ton of cock from the high, like the parishioners that are Eucharistic ministers, the ones that are able to dispense communion to sick people in their homes. Yeah. They're always hanging around the church. They're always doing good deeds. One of those good deeds is bending fucking Sister Eileen over a fucking chair down in the bingo room.

All right. We could speak more metaphorically about it maybe. All right. You're very literal,ically about it, maybe. All right. You're very literal, Greg. Well, it's this film. I can't wait to see it. I'll give it a five-minute standing ovation, but I'll be standing up with my pants off. Oh, badage.

Let's talk sports. Ah, here we go. What a sports weekend this is. I know. Jesus Christ. The finals of the European Cup as well as the finals of the Spanish-speaking Cup. Vegas, I made one sports bet, and this is what it really was. I walked by a, uh,

I walked by the sports book. I took out $100 cash and I just threw it in the garbage. That's, that's essentially what I did. I walked by the sports book. I'm like, Oh, you know what?

Uh, the game will start before Rogan takes the stage. I'm going to put a hundred bucks milwaukee and take the four and a half points figuring they'd uh they'd come back such such a dumb bet 100 bucks 100 bucks it would have been nice because it's like you know then it's a free 100 bucks like that's nice right gone jesus i can't even on a-50 proposition bet on me picking the losing side. You really are the worst gambler of all time and the worst investor of all time. All right, so let's talk about this week's.

It's Conor McGregor. I guess it's a rematch. We got Chris Denman, who has a pent-up aggro fighter inside him somewhere. Maybe he can tell us who's favored in this fight. Well, his usual criteria is he always bets against the black guy, which is really fucking weird. Right. Well, historically, he's killed it.

He's done very well with that. He's been betting for 4,000 years and he's almost always won. I know. It looked like in 1969 he was going to start losing, but no, things came back around on his side. McGregor is a slight underdog. They say plus 110. And Chris, these guys fought. We're watching Chris type into a Google document. These guys fought before, right? And McGregor lost. Is that correct? No, it's 1're watching Chris type into a Google document. These guys fought before, right? And McGregor lost. Is that correct?

No, it's 1-1. This is a rubber match. Oh. McGregor KO'd him in 2014. And then when they fought last year, Poirier just fucking kicked. He kicked McGregor in the side of the leg until McGregor couldn't fucking walk oh by the way I called that fight and I based it on the weigh-in and I said that dude was wide like he just looked like more mass yeah and uh I had an obsession with Dustin's back. Back. Really, his front and back. Yeah. He was just, I'm like, all right, based on appearances, I'd pick that guy to beat up that guy.

Yeah. Yeah. Dustin is best boys with Theo Vaughn. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Oh, wow. Wow.

Well, that's likable. I mean, I think Theo is exceedingly funny guy. I mean, I know there's issues there, but I like Theo. Theo Vaughn? Yeah. Oh, Theo's like, once in a while somebody comes along like a Mitch Hedberg, who just has a completely organic, original, distinct voice. And Theo has it.

And I saw him when he was just a fledgling comic, but he already had the voice. He was already interesting. And he's found a way to really just fucking double down on it. Now, he's amazing. Sometimes there's a little, he knows he has that voice, so there's a lot of songs added. I think a few too many.

But Jesus, when he layers on, he's exceptional at putting a layer of detail on a story. Yeah. So he has that folksy spinning of a tail, a yarn, that he has a basic approach, like a common sense breakdown of something that is really, really very good. Yeah. Boy, he tells a story. You'll have to find it. I saw it live in a club. I don't know.

But he goes to a funeral, and he was was so poor they didn't have a suit. So there was, hey, there was one of those full child costumes from Beetlejuice and that had a tie or whatever. So he wore that. But it had like the stuff coming out of the back, like a bit like, you know, like like the supernatural stuff coming out of the back. So this funeral saw a kid crying with crazy, like whatever it was, like wings coming out of the back of a Halloween costume. It was amazing. And I probably got a lot of that wrong, but I was laughing really hard in the club when I heard him tell that once. Man, we're giving out a lot of love today, aren't we?

I think it's a nice feeling. Well, there's a lot of, you know, look, it's an exciting time for comedy right now. There's a lot of unique voices out there and the people are embracing comedy and I think need it right now. I'll get back to

being really angry about successful, unfunny people. I can do that in a heartbeat. And I just got excited about doing it. I'm trying to think of some. But let's continue with sports. Is Kevin Hart funny? Is Kevin Hart funny?

Has he ever made you laugh? Can I take a pass? I want to stay positive today. I mean, I listen to the comedy channels, and he comes on, and I swear to you, I have never laughed once at anything this guy has said. And he's the biggest comedian in the country. All right.

Now I've talked some shit. There we go. He's. He has a lot of energy. I don't know, man. Like. It's tough. It's good when he roasts Shaq or something like that.

Like when he roasts people, it's funny. It's good when he roasts Shaq or something like that. Like, when he roasts people, it's funny. This will sound terrible, but I'm like this, so I'm criticizing myself as well. He just so wants you to laugh that he's selling it so hard. Listen, as I would do, but you're asking me this question after I just saw Chappelle, who seems like he could give a shit if you laughed. Right, right. I think that's my criteria for comedy,

is I have to see somebody who doesn't give a fuck. I think it's because I started in Boston, watching guys like Don Gavin and Steve Sweeney and Kenny Rogerson and guys that just don't, they're doing it for themselves. And if you don't laugh, they literally shake it off. Like, who gives a fuck? And to see somebody care looks like a weakness to me. The delivery is this.

It's not that he doesn't care it's not funny. He already knows it's funny. Yeah. It is funny. It's funny to him. And he is going to tell you it's funny. Yeah. It is funny. It's funny to him, and he is going to tell you it. Right. And he doesn't care what you fucking think about it.

Yeah. Anyway. Although I will say this. What is familiar from the other specials with Chappelle is that man is stuck in his craw. That trans stuff, it's an ongoing issue in that guy's life. Yeah. He's called transphobic, and he makes about 10 callbacks to it. He's like, of course I can say that because I'm transphobic. Like, he's really, really preoccupied.

I don't want to give him a label like angry or anything. He is preoccupied with having been't want to give him a label like angry or anything. He is preoccupied with having been called a transphobic. Well, then there's a, there's a greater than a small chance that he will be caught with a transsexual at some point in his life. Wow. Interesting. All right. So dude, I want to talk to you about England versus Italy or really about England. So someone sent me a clip. I think I posted on Instagram, the audience, they love singing. So did you see the God save the queen, their national Anthem? Did you see them sing it? No. Uh, every post was like goosebumps, uh every post was like goosebumps chills and keep in mind this is the same you know incredibly racist regime i think of arguably the most most damaging country to planet earth in terms of

human rights ever i mean rome is up rome is very high uh i get the mongols. The Mongols might take the cake. I know, but the reach England had, I don't know. Well, the thing is with the Mongols is when they came in and they conquered a land, they didn't insist that you drop your culture and your religion and your language and take theirs on. They

came in and they just said, kick us 10% and we're good. They raped a few people and they definitely smashed heads. Look how confident you are. This is an Astrofits. All right. Astrofits. I read Genghis Khan's biography.

Did he read it? I'll listen to it. Did he read it? He read it, yeah. Hong Chao Cai Bai. Oh, no. But this is the thing. It did give me goosebumps because it was like,

they're such the underdogs. So I love it, right? It's been like fucking 66 years, whatever. Don't write in. I don't give a shit what year it was. But it's been over 50 years. Yeah. And Italy, by the way, has beaten my brother-in-law, George, who's front,

he's Argentinian, he's half Argentinian. So he has crazy football, uh, motions running through him. Uh, he told me that Italy has done like incredibly well as one every time in England and all that stuff beating. So, but when they're singing and maybe it comes on the heels of them all laughing and cheering against that German girl who was crying. I mean, nationalism is alive and well. Like, it wasn't just nostalgia. It wasn't just God save the queen being screamed at the top of their lungs against Denmark. It was, it was more than that. I don't know, man. It was a little scary, I got to say.

It was a little scary. That's why the Olympics kind of creeps me out, because I'm not like a – I love America. I love what it stands for. I love that it is a dynamic culture that challenges. You have different sides challenging each other. We've got a lot of problems, but there's no other country I would live in.

But I don't feel like chanting USA and celebrating that some athletes from our country beat athletes from another country. It's interesting. I like it, but I don't rip my shirt off and scream and chant and sing. Like, that's a weird feeling when people have that emotional experience about their country winning.

Dude, I don't even like fireworks on July 4th with jingoistic songs playing. Like, I know I'm overthinking it. I got it. But fuck y'all. Seriously, it's celebrating war it's there's no other way to look at it yeah we're mimicking war with rockets right as we're singing we're the greatest country it's fucked up well it's why every time a politician is in trouble they start a war because people get emotional and they get jingoistic and they get

nationalistic and they get patriotic. And you can start leading them around by the nose because you've got them. You got them fucking frothing at the mouth. That's what war does. I mean, you're that mom, right? Like very quintessentially and artistically. The mom from Saving Private Ryan, which that scene, man, when they go up, I should know more about art. But it was like a one of those portraits.

Ah, fuck. What's Wyeth? Andrew Wyeth me like of like the this like sort of field leading up to a house which is on a farm. And and when they tell her that, I don't know, at that point, what, three of her sons were dead or something. What's July 4th like for that fucking, like, how about that? Right. She probably is because there's such a brainwashing effort that goes on that he's a hero. We're heroes.

He died in a hero cause. God's honor. All you have to say is God's on our side. That's, anyway, whatever. I'm fucking ignorant and I can't argue this better, but I know my, I know my argument wins. All right. So England versus Italy. Sure. Okay. The scary part, they sing the shit out of God saved the queen. They also, and this moved me talk about goosebumps. They broke into Oasis's song. Don't Look Back in Anger, which is my, I mean, there's not even a close second to my favorite Oasis song.

And of course, it's Don't Look Back in Anger with like this awful past of 60 years plus years of having not won this thing and and even making it to the finals or something. But it it was moving, I gotta say. And they know every syllable of the song. Yeah. Oasis is definitely their new Beatles. They fucking, they love Oasis over there. Well, did you see that? You saw that movie, right?

I forget the name of it, where the kid, there was no Beatles. And he's the only one that has, like, you know, and he's trying to figure out what the hell happened in this Freaky Friday situation, and he starts singing covers, and he goes to number one because there was never a Beatles. And the funniest joke in the whole movie is he Googles Oasis, and it's just the definition of something in the desert.

There is no Oasis because there was no Beatles. That's hilarious. Other sports, Rory McIlroy, the golfer from Northern Ireland. He, during the second round of the Scottish Open in Scotland, there's a video taken by a photographer showing a spectator strolling up to the 10th tee removing mcelroy's driver head cover and grabbing an iron before casually walking away leaving the caddy looking confused that's fucking great we used to when when i was uh when i was a teenager i used to caddy uh with with a bunch

of fucking lunatics and this one guy nick zapia had a motorcycle and he took me to the westchester classic i jumped on the back of his motorcycle i was probably like 15 he was probably 17 and we went to the westchester classic at this golf tournament that had all the big players. We used to go every year. And it was like Nicholson played. Nicholson. Nicholas. Jack Nicholas played. Arnold Palmer. Ben Hogan.

I mean, you saw all these guys play. Wow. Chi Chi Rodriguez. Yeah. And anyway, so we go up there, and he was, this guy was from Yonkers, and he was like a daredevil. He was like a thrill seeker. And we got there, and he fucking didn't even tell me he was going to do it.

He jumps over the ropes on the side of the 18th hole, and he runs up and he grabs the flagstick, and he fucking bolts, and I'm running with him, and we get on the motorcycle, and we leave the Westchester Classic with me holding the flagstick for the 18th hole. And we drove home on 287 on a fucking highway and I'm holding a flag.

Only two drunk idiot teens put that in the win column. Like you got into this story tournament with the legends and you run away with a flag that belongs to the club yeah yeah dude that same tournament when i was in high school i guess i was probably like a freshman and i skipped school because my high school was very near where this tournament was played yeah and so me and another kid went and we were drinking and we're watching the tournament and uh so this is on a friday so the next day it's saturday and uh i'm sitting at the dinner table

and my dad goes uh so how was school yesterday and i'm sitting there and i got a fucking sunburn on my face and i was like it was good good. School was good. You learned anything? Yeah, I learned a bunch of shit. You know, science, English, you know, the usual. And then he opens up the New York Times to the sports page and on the front page is a picture from the Westchester Classic. Gary Hallberg hitting a three-wood out of the rough and me standing behind him smiling

with a beer in my hand. Nice. Nice. Yes. That's perfect. Goddamn New York Times rats. And he just started laughing. And the funny thing is my mom worked at the New York Times at that time. So she called the photographer and she got a glossy 8x10 shot of the picture.

Please tell me you still have it. I still have it, yeah. Oh, that's great. Isn't that awesome? Oh, that's really great. That's very cool. Yeah. Also, in more golf news, two of the three victims found dead at a Georgia country club were bound in gags with tape.

Yeah, I guess this— Did Gubbins beat them to death with a putter? How is golf this violent all of a sudden? Well, I guess a pro golfer, Gene Siller, was found on the green of the 10th hole with an apparent gunshot wound to the head. hole with an apparent gunshot wound to the head uh and then this other guy siller was killed after having seen the crime involving paul pearson 76 and henry valdez 46 so his 76 year old florida man killed a fucking golf pro a guy witnessed it and he fucking bound and gagged him and then shot him on the green. Wow. Yeah.

That's the worst. When you witness a crime and you know, like it's very, very much, you know, mafia type stories where you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And no matter how much you swear up and down, you won't rat and you're done. I was in Brooklyn two summers ago riding on C writing on crashing and i'm walking up the street and i was in kind of a sketchy part of brooklyn and i see this guy and it's an suv and he's got a woman by the shirt and he's punching her in the face and i start walking directly at him and he fucking turns around and this dude was huge and he's like you want to get shot motherfucker and I was like whoa and I just I turned around good luck miss and I I mean to this day it haunts me because I turned around and i walked away and he fucking followed me and i and

this guy he had a fucking gun i mean i didn't see it but the way he talked he had a gun and uh and i just kept i kept walking and he was following me and then he went back and you know i called 9-1-1 but who knows if they ever fucking showed up wow yeah uh that's actually an interesting shit because you always see movies where it's like the victim is all of a sudden like someone's coming by like they could save the day you know like this is this this is the gonna save my life and but the way you just painted it it's very real consequences for you. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun.

And it was scary because this is not, I'm not from Brooklyn. I'm not from this fucking tough part of town. And this guy is, it was like his territory. And he was doing something that should you give your life to stop that? If the police show up, will she even press charges? You've been there before. Thank God they don't. Yeah. Well, Greg, how about this? Your get out of moral jail card could be this. Think of it this way. People aren't going to like this. But lifeguards, one of the number one lessons is you do not put yourself in jeopardy to save. I mean, in direct jeopardy to save a drowning person when when when it looks like they could drown you as well. You first have to extend a towel or extend a chair, extend something to them.

You don't let them grab your hand. Right. Because you are not supposed to drown. Both of you will drown. Right. In this case, you probably might have both been killed, or you're killed and she's just hit. Right. Now, you approach from behind. I'm a lifeguard.

I'm a certified lifeguard. I'm not anymore, but I was when I was young. And you approach from behind that's what you do you you get you get you you will swim under them and come up behind them and then you do a cross chest carry from well not you what you do is you're eating a sandwich on the lifeguard chair you see a woman drowning and you fucking run inland you just run the other way i call 9-1-1 you're the lifeguard you are 9-1-1 i fucking saved three people from drowning in my life three wow how many how many did you lose i was in atlantic city with my aunt joe and my wife

and my aunt joe in her, she was probably 82 years old, and she was floating around on her back, but the waves fucking crashed on her, sucked her out into a riptide. She was screaming, her head was going under. I dove in, I swam out, I grabbed her, cross chest carry, fucking

pulled her in. Saved her life. Grabbed your aunt's tits. Next story? Grabbed her big fat fat Irish tits. And then I was in Costa Rica. Oh, I know this one. We were at this giant watering hole. It was a waterfall, I mean, into like a lagoon. It was like Gilligan's Island.

It was like a lagoon. But it was treacherous waters because this waterfall was like 200 feet high. And it was thick. And it created like an undertow. And so these Asian girls were sitting on the edge, and one of them jumps in, and she gets sucked under, just under. So her gorgeous feet, were her feet last? Were those the last two things you saw?

I went after the feet. I went straight after the feet. How about you threw her in just so you could go in and grab her feet? And I did across Jess Carey, even though she had small tits. And no, I pulled this woman out of the water. And a high school was there, a bunch of American high school kids. And they saw me and they were chanting hero in front of my children. And I said to my kids, do you fucking see what's happening right now?

I think something was lost in translation. I think they were chanting, why are you giving mouth to mouth to her toes? Maybe they wanted a sandwich. Maybe it was lunchtime and they were saying, hero, hero. That's what they call it. That's what Asian kids call a grinder, hero. Right. A wedge.

I think wedge is the least popular. I grew up calling it a meatball wedge. I called it a wedge. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's a very Westchester Italian thing. The Bronx, they call it a wedge. Oh, okay.

There it is. All right. It's very weird. Third time was I was boogie boarding with Evan Dunsky and a wave came and we both went to catch it. I saw that it was closing out, so I pulled back. He stayed on the wave. He went headfirst down into the sand.

He came up, lost consciousness, and was in the water face down. I grabbed him. The fucking waves were treacherous. I'm screaming to the lifeguard. I've got him. I'm holding him up. I've got the board under him, but we keep getting hit by waves. I'm yelling to the lifeguard. I've got him. I'm holding him up. I got the board under him, but we keep getting hit by waves. I'm yelling to the lifeguard.

Lifeguard's not paying attention, or maybe he's eating a hero, and he's calling 911. And I managed to get the board under him, and I dragged him in from the surf. You were yelling to the lifeguard, like, listen, I've got a cross-chest hold on this Asian girl. I can't help evan right now can you get in here this one's not even drowning so you can mock you can mock all my rescues all you want but uh who did you save you ever saved someone's life uh yeah uh a sitter of

mine went into a diet started going into a diabetic coma and I was really young and, but I called a nine one one. And anyway, they made a very big deal of it. But again, like a five minute standing ovation was very awkward for me. Cause I, all I,

you know, I called nine one one and then I went to the hospital with her and all that. But yeah, they were, um, I don't know, maybe 10 or, uh, or, yeah, not exceptional.

Like it was not, that's what I mean. It was not exceptional, but they're all like you saved her life. Wow. There you go. I think that's got to be on everybody's bucket list. You have to save somebody's life to justify having lived on this earth. There's probably other stories because you know when i'd be drunk i would do probably foolish things like the get between a guy and a girl thing

uh but luckily i think i was intimidating you know i was whatever 225 pounds and drunk and maybe i looked tough but um there's mean, I, I know of ones with waitresses and managers, but those weren't like far from life-saving, but in terms of good deeds, I think there have been like a few of those. Okay. But I mean, boy, you could really, I, why, why I could have easily gotten stabbed. Why not? Yeah. You don't know what you're, if this guy's fucking like threatening to hit a woman, I mean, you know, there's no, there's, the bar is pretty low. Why wouldn't he stab a guy who's like fucking with him, you know? Yeah. All right. All right. Let's do some business. Oh, we're skipping a science. Oh, did we skip science? Oh, we skipped

science. What do we want to do? It doesn't matter to me. No, do science. Why, did we skip science? Oh, we skipped science. It's fine. What do we want to do? It doesn't matter to me. No, do science. Why don't you read it? It's a stretch, but I put it in the science department because Heimlich was a surgeon who developed the Heimlich remover. Anyway. Good one.

Driver. I don't want to spoil it. All right, I'm not going to read the headline. An Ohio State Highway Patrol dash camera captured video of this police officer saving the life of a guy he had pulled over. He goes up to him and he's like can you breathe? The guy gets out of the

car and he's waving and flailing and he's suffocating. And the man turned away from the trooper and raised his arms for the trooper to provide perform the Heimlich maneuver. So what had happened was he pulls over the car and this guy jammed a bag full of pot in his mouth and tried to swallow it. in his mouth and try to swallow it. So, the man turned away from the trooper, raised his arms so the trooper would perform the Heimlich maneuver, but the baggie remained lodged

in his throat. Then the man attempted to gag himself to throw up to dislodge it. That didn't work, so the trooper freed the baggie after he performed the Heimlich maneuver again, the video shows. And then the guy just goes, I'm sorry. And the cop goes, that's a minor misdemeanor.

He's like, do you want to die over a minor misdemeanor? And the most shocking thing is this didn't happen in Florida. It was in Ohio. Yeah. Look, it could have been worse. The guy could have tried to hide it in his asshole, and the trooper would have had to hold... How do you do that?

Upside down Heimlich maneuver? You flip him upside down? Actually, maybe that's... The guy might have had, like, a quarter pound of heroin up his ass, and he's like, okay, how do I do the old magician, look over here, don't look over here.

Let me pretend to choke on a bag of pot. Let him think he's a hero. Let him patronize me with a stupid comment like, you want to die over a misdemeanor? Well, I got far more than a misdemeanor crammed up my ass right now, sir. You know, as bad as the life of a heroin addict is, how about the fact that you're handling baggies that have been up people's asses every time you get high um so let's do some business last week we announced the winner of the big uh investopedia contest yeah it was a guy named uh jim i'm not gonna give his last name we're gonna have him on i think we were gonna have him on um but, but we don't need to because he sent us how he

made all the money. I did read this. Yeah, all right. Go for it. So basically, I'm not going to give his last name because he won $100 and we don't want friends and relatives hitting him up for cash now and all that. So he said he was very excited to win. So let's see.

Thanks, guys. He's making fun of how little that he made. So I said on June 10th, he bought 4,000 shares at $10.83 of SPAC for a total of $43,000. Then the company started trading under a new ticker, and it converted the share. So I guess sometimes shares split. I think what happens is it split, and it went way up in value. At one point, it was at $349,000, starting with $100,000.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. It sounds like he got lucky. He did get lucky, but he still wins. That is the most amazing thing is he bought zero options. Right. There's no options to do that much. You would need crazy leverage to do that with your money. Right. There's no option to do me that much. You would think you would need crazy leverage to do that with your money.

Right. I need to double my money. I think if I doubled my savings right now, I would sleep a lot better. You think? Yeah. That's what my broker said. That's what I felt when I threw $100 in a dumpster in Vegas. I'm like, I want to double this.

Yeah. How about zero? This day in history. Oh, this was a big day. The day that launched a musical. 1804, July 11th, Aaron Burr slays alexander hamilton in a duel vice president aaron burr shoots his longtime political antagonist alexander hamilton hamilton a leading federalist and the chief architect of america's political economy died the following

day hamilton came to detest burr whom he regarded as a dangerous opportunist, and he often spoke ill of him. He fucking trash talked him. Oh, he trash talked him big time. Yeah, I read Hamilton's biography, the one that the musical's based on, and he just called him an idiot at every fucking turn. No, no, read the line. He literally felt it was his God-given duty to do so.

Yeah. I feel it is religious duty to oppose his career he said his career yeah yeah yeah that's great so um yeah so that i mean here's the thing about these duels is they didn't really they generally did not kill each other it was very rare that in a duel somebody died they usually did it to save face and they usually shot above the opponent's head the problem is with these guns they were so unwieldy that they you could shoot away from the guy and end up fucking shooting the guy and you had just as good a chance of the gun blowing up in your face when you shot it. You know, they didn't do this in the play, and it's not, and it wasn't in the biography, but, you know, he went, he was rushed back to New York, Hamilton.

And did he die the next day? No, I think he hung on for a few days. But they didn't write, his last words were, don't let a black guy play me. Which is weird. and that's the tragedy here no i think that's i think i scream that to burr from the rowboat when you think you know what you've done black guys are going to be singing as us yeah right chris denman's going to be mortified. Yeah. Would you duel somebody if it came down to your honor? Oh, Denman says he died 36 hours later.

Thanks, Chris. Thanks for doing some fucking research so I don't get a goddamn letter sent to me next week. All right. Well, you screwed me up with honor because I think my move and everyone's had this thought. Right. My move, I guess, is tens. I will honor the 10 steps. But then it's immediate crouch. Right. Or or or fall to the ground. So that's not honorable. not honorable that's not even the thing is these that's not even honorable looking they didn't think it was honorable the way the americans fought the revolutionary war you're supposed to get a fucking drummer and a trumpet player and walk in a single file towards the enemy while you get mowed down and just and when you if you do breach the defense you all you do is then slap them in the face with a glove that That's right. And then you feed them.

Would I do a duel? You know, I would plan on dying. I mean, you have to plan on dying, right? Yeah, they usually get their affairs in order before the duel. They write out their will and they do all that shit. I don't know. What's the alternative? Like, just a fight. I don't know. What's the alternative? Like, just a fight?

I don't know. I'm trying to think of a situation where I would accept a challenge in a duel. It would have to do with my family. It would have to do with, like, maybe somebody... I don't know, killed my daughter. Well, I wouldn't then, I would just kill that person.

Yeah. I'm not going to fucking take 10 steps. Right. I'll follow you for nine steps. Right. And I'll wait till you see the gun right in your face when you turn around, just so you know what I'm doing. Right, right. And then right between the eyes or in an eye yeah

yeah what are you talking about there's no that's a bad that that's just killing i don't know yeah the duels are weird yeah especially that guy you know both were smart but uh hamilton's brain was so gigantic. I guess he had already beaten them up with words. There was no intellectual duel they could have had. That had already happened. No, and they had to go to New Jersey to do it because it was illegal to duel in New York. That's why they would take a boat.

They would row over to New Jersey, and then they would do the duel over there. That also seems very weird why wouldn't you just do it on christopher street or like well you know like what what's the you're really planning on living if you're fucking going to new jersey just to get her through the loophole like right what why wouldn't you just, I'll meet you outside my apartment. Yeah. One of us, odds are, well, I guess odds are both will live, but I don't know. That seems weird to me. All right.

All right, let's do some letters. Oh. I say that after every crinkle. Some guy named Joe says I seem to really have a crush on these. Oh, I'm sorry, Joanne. Joanne seems to have a crush on these. Oh, I'm sorry, Joanne. Joanne seems to have a crush on us. Phew. I don't know.

I don't want to open it up. Once we get all the Joes encouraged, forget about it. We got a guy named Dave Carter who says, hey, Mike, when is the last time you've been to Cleveland? 10 years? Oh, this guy. 20? Stop recycling late night talk show hack fodder and get some facts. Great restaurants, awesome nightlife, waiting list to rent apartments downtown, three pro sports teams, no Browns jokes.

Pretty sure they made it further than any New York team last season. Your pal Greg loves the club here and the crowds he gets. Try harder. Your response? I don't know. It sounds like he kind of got me. Carter, your response? I don't know.

It sounds like he kind of got me. But I mean, it's also, I wasn't really, Cleveland at its best is also a shitty place. In other words, I'm not going to live in fucking Cleveland. All right, pal. Oh, is there a waiting list for rents, apartments? Okay, so now you've just proved it's packed with idiots. Wow. Double it down.

Mike Gibbons, not giving in. It's just my roommate from college is from Cleveland. I've met very few people who left Cleveland who went back. Yeah, the kid who lived next to me in college. He has some valid points. What's this guy's name? Is this LeBron? Dave Carter.

LeBron. Dave Carter. Well, listen, Dave actually has some points. All right, so I guess there's been a rejuvenation of Cleveland. If I had read this before the podcast, I probably would have looked up some very disturbing statistics that are currently still existing in Cleveland. But all right. It turned around.

I'm glad we read the letter, actually. And without any joke, I'll give Dave credit. I didn't know Cleveland had gotten their act together like that. And, oh, boy, does he have me on both football and basketball, which Cleveland used to be of slight comfort to New York, New York's giant dry spells, but now they've surpassed them. They are really rabid sports fans. I mean, the Indians fans especially are very rabid. I love it. I've been playing there for 20 years and I just, I love the people. They've got a good sense of humor. Uh, but you can't

fuck around. You can't make Cleveland jokes when you're there. There's certain cities you can go to. You can go to Dallas and shit on it. You can go to New York and shit on it. Uh, but there's certain ones that, uh, they don't, they won't have it. They get very defensive. I think Cleveland just has been a punch line for so long they're done right i mean listen it's a cleveland steamer it's not a new york steamer speaking of which uh we got a letter from jordan hansen who said the song down under which we were uh riffing on a couple weeks ago is about how australia was selling itself to the world at the time the lyrics are satirical,

and the simplistic rhyme scheme was done on purpose so they could stuff as much Australian slang into it as possible. All right, so to me, you just admitted it's an intentionally piece-of-shit song. Exactly. The narrator is traveling and encountering stereotypes. The man from Brussels was a baker originally from Melbourne and is based

on a real encounter colin hay had the irony is much like born in the usa it was taken seriously as a patriotic song by the government and soon became the soundtrack to australia selling itself to the world i love it every time they play born in the usa at a political rally i go did you fucking stop and listen to the words at all on this song born down in a dead man's town yeah but i don't know dude i mean you still the guy from muscles a guy from brussels six foot four and full of like so he had to write an incredibly shitty lyric about that guy to make his point i don't think you know it's it's a terrible fucking song that is stolen by the way we talked about that last week yeah yeah the one of the one of the signature sounds of that song is stolen apparently i wrote a poem for uh jojo's

birthday this morning oh. I always write poems in her cards. And they're funny. You know, they're humorous poems. They rhyme. And she said it was my best one ever. I put a lot of time into it. I woke up an hour early this morning and I worked on it. You're five foot

eight. You don't have much muscles. Good luck in the real world. You're going to really have to hustle. And if I keep up this attitude, there's going to be a lot of tussles. It's intentionally bad. What? Yeah. What was yours? I stepped on it. And if I keep up this attitude,

I'm going to get in a lot of tussles. Oh, see, you made it better. Alright, now we got a... It's ironic. It's a fucking long one. Are we going to read this one? There's one that a guy is kind of giving. I think this is worth reading, even though it's long. There's a guy who wants to kind of give us an overview of what's going on with the new variant on the COVID virus. Oh, no, I think you should read it.

I love this guy. Okay. First of all, this guy is a scientist. He is an entomologist. We asked for him to write back in. I didn't remember his name. And so I know there's a lot of news. You get bits and pieces here and there,

but here's a good kind of like overview. COVID is likely with us for the long run. It'll join other viruses like the flu, common cold, coronaviruses, and other seasonal respiratory viruses. We'll see it often, coronaviruses, and other seasonal respiratory viruses. We'll see it often, but good news is that the vaccine work well, especially mRNA, Moderna, Pfizer. Bad news for the unvaccinated. Get vaccinated if you can, people. The goal of the vaccines is to keep people out of the hospital. You might get mild symptoms if

there are transmission flare-ups in colder months. Don't get freaked out. Variants may make antibodies less effective. There are many ongoing studies on cross-protection to variants, but looks like cautious optimism so far. Antibodies aren't the only type of protection either. T-cells are important for viral immunity. Keep an eye out for boosters if they become recommended hopefully the rest of the world will begin high vaccination rates and we can tamp this pandemic down soon goes on and on but that's where we're at best case here's the best case current vaccines work well on variants much of the world gets vaccinated, maybe boosters, maybe mask mandates in cold months. This virus joins the others mentioned above.

Worst case, virus continues to blow through the unvaccinated and killing millions more. Mutations accumulate and render current vaccines ineffective. When we face the public with new rounds of updated vaccines, their apathy for prevention leads to high case counts, new lockdowns, and the cycle perpetuates. So just get vaccinated, people. I'm not going to scream and yell about it, but it's time. Do it not just for yourself. Do it for your country. So that's Cameron? That's Cameron. And I'll just read the last paragraph because it puts a little context. I'm an entomologist.

Have what fun you may with this information, but I've had my pulse on hardcore virology for 10 plus years and have a sturdy knowledge of the subject. Hope to have gotten some insight on the outlook for this virus. Hope to have given, sorry, some insight on the outlook of this virus. I hope to have given, sorry, some insight on the outlook of this virus. So thanks, Cameron. I like that. I don't know. It seemed like a very clear headed, you know, this could happen or this could happen. You know, the projections.

OK, I think it's time to cheer up with some funnies. Oh, boy. By the way. OK. Do you? Oh. This is way. Okay. Do your. Oh, this is going to be a blind. I didn't put Family Circus in here. Uh-oh.

So it's going to be blind. I'm going to find it and we're going to put it in. Okay. So you start. By the way, one follow-up to the vaccinated is do you hear about the U.S. Olympic swimmer going to Tokyo? He's unvaccinated. He's allowed to go? I know.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Huh. Interesting. So maybe we'll follow up. We'll do that story next week because I don't know any of the details. All right. So we asked people to watch the jeff

keen interview yeah um it'll be posted on the website chris will you make sure that it's on the website for people that's the sunday papers pod i believe is our website isn't it you're you're telling the producer of our show that what the website is? I think it's Sunday Papers Pod. He won't know. But there's a great interview with the great Jeff Keen, who is the writer of The Family Circus, taking it over from his father, Bill Keen.

And the guy who's interviewing him is so bored, you literally think that it's a Zoom call, that he's frozen. But then you see once, then he nods and you go, oh, no, you're just bored out of your fucking mind. Oh, it's sundaypapers.net is the website. So there's that. So anyway, here's what he says he the guy basically wants him to walk him through his creative day and he says he wakes up and he reads two papers so he can read the other cartoons you know to stay up on bc and handicap and how that's going to inform his family circus cartoon. Also, he tunes in to see his own.

Yes. Which he mentions. Okay, so he's pretty honest out of the gate. All right, go ahead. He says he needs deadlines. His dad worked ahead, but he pretty much writes the week of. All right, so when he said that, I immediately got sympathetic, and I got empathetic.

Go ahead. And it seemed like he was not enjoying it. My overall takeaway is Jeff Keen has a gun to his head and he is living in the shadow of his father and he's not enjoying a fucking lick of his success. Right. Did you feel that? I don't know. He seemed funny. It's weird. So I'm tuning in to this creatively bankrupt human being who I've been incredibly critical of. Right. So, and then I had a thought, which was,

as soon as he said, first of all, he had a very disciplined dad and that he needs deadlines because he's not like his dad. So that's my life story. And then, um, then I thought about it. He, I thought about, you see him in his room, he's in the basement where he creates this stuff. He holds up some even right. And, and then I thought about myself going down there. And of course, everything is way easier to make fun of than creating. And I, it, it would, he might've figured it out. Like it would be a miserable experience. If I had to go down and write 12 gags and two Sundays, which is what he said, 12 gags every two weeks, plus two Sundays. And, and i needed them to be as good as i wanted i think i'd go crazy yes it would be like it's sisyphus you just have to keep pushing that fucking rock up the hill and uh and and that rock is a is a piece of shit and you know and

you know that like the expectations are so low on you that you just start to internalize that it's bad like he he should be doing one a week and maybe he could do one well but to do as he calls it 12 gags these are he calls his cartoons gags yeah because i almost throw up every time i read them but like we'll get to the one below so this is it though but then i then i see one right and i'm like no fuck you sorry you can't get paid for that you didn't work and then i'm like you know what what what i would this is the solution. I should go to his basement, put a desk facing him. He kind of like the Elton John, uh,

approach to music. He should slide over the drawing and then I should work hard trying to make it funny because I can beat and all of our viewer listeners can beat everyone that he's done. Yes. But having like, in other words, Elton John used to be, was sent the lyrics. Yep. And he had to come up with a song.

No. Yeah. Oh, right. Bernie Taupin was, he wrote the lyrics and Elton John wrote the music. Right, right. And who doesn't want to be bernie taupin like some of the lyrics are the stupidest fucking things ever like imagine when no music you read goodbye yellow brick road or uh or i mean goodbye yellow brick road is fucking brilliant what are

you talking i don't know crocodile rock is a little bit silly yeah but it's like he's just thinking about them the elton john your partner is making magic that seems inevitable that seems like we all had these songs in our bodies and this unbelievable melody, he found it. Like, it was in all of us. Your fucking stupid lyrics, no one is thinking about them. Elton John lyrics, yeah, I mean, they're kind of hokey. They're very melodramatic. Funeral for a friend, and yeah, there's a lot of... Candle in the Wind is like an okay eighth grade poem.

Yeah. And then the music, you're like, well, this is now for the ages. Your song is pretty brilliant. The lyrics to your song. I wrote this one for you, yeah. Yeah. But on paper, it's like, all right, I get this thing, right? I'm like, if you don't mind, if you don't mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Without his music. I hope you don't mind. I hope you don't mind. Yeah. All right. Jesus, okay, how am I going to couch that in a melody that makes it not sound so redundant and stupid? Yeah.

Oh, I got it. So, all right, that's what we'll do next week. I will read to you, it's like an old bit, I'll read to you Bernie Taupin lyrics. Okay. And you have to,

the best you can, imagine no music ever being created for them. Okay. Anyway. The other thing that Jeff Keen says is that,

he says, I lay on the couch, people call, well, during his work day, people call it naps, but I'm thinking of gags. Poor guy. Poor guy. And he just says that he just hates working from home because he always thinks I should be working. Yeah,

you should. You should be working more. You should be working more. And then he said, sometimes it helps. I need to leave the country like when I go to Hawaii. Okay. Yeah. Oh, Chris Dettman just wrote that in there. I miss the earth so much.

I miss my wife. And then he writes, not believable. What is this? The 1950s? You can't miss your wife? What are you, Henny Youngman? Also, isn't that whole song after Space Oddity? Like, isn't that whole song after the greatest, the greatest written song? Actually, one of, I think, the best written songs ever, which was David Bowie's. Yeah. I mean, it is so tight. It's a perfect example of you're filling in.

They've given you just enough where you're filling everything else in. All right, I'm going to read you lyrics. I'm going to read you David Bowie lyrics next week, and you read me Bernie Ta bowie lyrics next week and you read me bernie talpin lyrics all right uh all right let's get to some uh lockhorns this is great um this is great uh leroy is standing on the uh beach he's in a bathing suit. He's got his hands on his hips. He's got kind of a creepy smile as he looks at a chick in a bikini.

And Loretta says to her friend, not quite washboard abs, more like washing machine abs. All right. All right. I don't know. I don't know. She says to him at dinner, I do edible, Leroy. I don't know. I don't know. She says to him at dinner, I do edible, Leroy.

I don't do delicious. It was a slow week for the Lockhorns. Yeah, you said it was great. I don't know about that. No. All right, let's do Family Circus. What, right now? Yep.

I was actually trying to peek at some, I don't know. I mean, even like, hold me closer, tiny dancer, count the headlights on the highway, lay me down in sheets of linen, you had a busy day today. I mean, without the music,

what the fuck is that? Yeah. Lay me down in sheets of linen, you had a busy day today. What? The only reason it seems like high art out of the gate with blue jean baby, LA ladies, seamstress for the band. I actually liked that. That's that approach. Neil Young has some songs like that where it's images, image, image, image, you know? Um, but all right, whatever. Let's get back to the, let's get back to this podcast. Okay, here we go. I got to make it bigger. Now I can't even read this tiny thing. All right. Family circus. Uh, this, this fucking kid is, uh, I guess he's coming out of his garage and there's tools everywhere, like too much tools, every single tool, the oil, little thing that that shoots out oil, all the old school cliche tools.

And he's running now holding a skateboard. caption is the gag the gag which he wrote while sleeping is i fixed it with an exclamation point that that's what that is wait i fixed it when he was laying on the couch sleeping uh and trying to do the job he fucking hates did he think there was a turn there is, is there a joke turn or is he just literally saying I fixed my skateboard? Blue jean baby. No. So this is like, you know, one time I missed the joke and that was on me and I was really embarrassed. So I'm like, no. So this is what I'm doing. I'm scanning the pile of tools, which is, you know, way too much to be funny also. And I'm looking for like a skateboard wheel. Like that would be a joke. He's running

cause he's a dumb little kid. He's running with a thing now with that as three wheels or, you know, that's an old joke. Like my, my friend growing up and all of us have these stories. Like he took apart his motorcycle. He got really into it one day and he wanted like you know and he was going to be fast and all that and way before youtube way before the internet and uh and he put his motorcycle back together and there were extra parts and that's like a kind of funny that is funny but it's very true that happens to a lot of people putting something back together that's not even here is it that the tools are in disarray and the joke is that he fixed it, but he left such a mess that, is that the joke? But even like that old joke, but I remember Cosby doing it, but like you hear a crash and you're like, and then the kid screams,

a crash and you're like, and then the kid screams, you're like, what was that? And the kid's like, it's nothing. I can fix it. Yeah. Like that's a joke. Yeah. I don't, maybe it's like, yeah, like I wish you fucking didn't fix this. Cause now the garage, now I have to fix the garage. Right.

He didn't take, he didn't take an important part from another part of the house to fix his skid. That would have been a joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Speaking of things that need to be fixed, here's a marriage that I want to pick apart a little bit. Guy named Dagwood Bumstead somehow married the hottest piece of ass to be drawn ever, Blondie.

So now douchebag is sitting on the blue chair. He's got a laptop. It's an Apple. So I'm guessing they're getting some sponsorship money. And he says, this is, he says, aha, I knew it. The next time the planets are in alignment won't be until 2492 blondie who's wearing a lime green top a black velvet skirt and her calves jesus christ the calves on this woman and she says uh and he says the boss was dead wrong today and she says about what and he goes

he said the planets must be in alignment because I turned in a perfect report. She bends over and kisses this mentally challenged husband. He's been insulted by his boss and he doesn't even get that he's such a fucking moron that he looks it up online. He's happy. He's got his finger up and he's smiling and she kisses him as if he's handicapped. How did he earn this? What fucking windfall? Did he save a Costa Rican Asian woman in a previous life? Did he pull those gorgeous feet out of a whirlpool effect that was being caused by a 200-foot waterfall? It's so bad that the dog is looking at the camera like Jim on The Office. Like, what the fuck is happening here?

Why is she doing this? Yep. All right, listen. It's two hours on the nose, Mike. I think we should wrap it up oh my oh my god it is i got some tour dates coming up people if you want to come see me do some live stand-up comedy i will be in rutherford new jersey home of the new york giants on august 6th and 7th i believe you're referring to east rutherford gregory

well this is in rutherford. It's just west of there. Why can't they get along there? Tear down that wall. I don't know. Maybe they should talk to the oranges. Yeah. And that's going to be at Bananas, August 6th and 7th. And then I will be in Golden, Colorado, August 26th through the 28th.

And then Sacramento, California, September 16th through 18th. I believe Mike Gibbons is going to join me and we're going to do a live taping on Saturday. When is that? So I volunteer to go to Sacramento. That seems weird and misguided. And what date?

What date? September 16th through 18th. All right. I'll see if I can make it. Okay. All right. All right. We'll see if I can make it. Okay. All right. All right. We want to thank Chris Denman, Beth Hoops.

Do we? Yeah. Don't we want to? Sure. He put in some jokes there today and stuff. Yep. Did a great job. Did some good research.

Yeah. Kept the racist comments out of the document for a change. Yeah. And, Mike, what do you got lined up for the week? Well, I'm now more informed about how much sports there is. Yeah. So I could do that. I enjoyed playing paddle with you.

You kicked my ass. That was fun. That was a good workout. We played for like two and a half hours. It didn't feel like it. Yeah. I do know on the third set, I was like, let's just turn it around right now. Like, let's not even go change sides, you know.

But I would play today, maybe. I don't know what you're doing the rest of the day. I could do that. And then we got golf tomorrow. Yup. And then some napping and writing and like Jeff Keen. No, but so I'm going to Google. I'm going to TiVo, I guess, DVR.

You know what I hope? So I'm going to DVR Messi's match, right? Argentina versus Brazil. I've already sold you on YouTube. I wish we could get them as a sponsor. Yeah, I got YouTube TV because of you. I love it. Dude, when you – so I just said, yeah, record all NBA playoffs, right?

So it is. So when you then tune in and the game's going on, it says, do you want to join it live? Do you want to start from the beginning? Or do you want us just to show you the highlights so far and catch you up to real time? I know. It's unbelievable.

I mean, can they do that with soccer yeah you would turn three hours into like 30 seconds yeah that's what i'm hoping so i'm waiting till it records a little what if you what if it was women's soccer and it offered you the highlights and you hit it and it was men's soccer highlights i didn't see that coming i thought it was going's soccer highlights. I didn't see that coming. I thought it was going to be either a full-screen apology or it was going to be the end of the game and they just show you the score. I didn't know you took it another level up

to they would show you men's soccer. I like that. All right, don't forget to check out Bert Kreischer's Podcast this week, which we're featuring on. And then don't forget to also check out Fitz Dog Radio and Childish, my other podcasts. Yeah.

And we'll see you guys next week. Perfect, man. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. The Sunday paper's here And suddenly it's so clear That I'll be laughing And smiling And learning

Yeah The best part of the day Is hearing Greg Fitzsimmons say Read all about it Read all about it Read all about it But all good things must end And that's when my gibbons will tell me to take it easy

Take it easy Take it easy Take easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday by bus. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday by bus. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday Papers. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday Papers.

My roommate is inside me.