Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 72 7/18/21

Episode Date: July 18, 2021

Mike comes down on Bernie Taupin. Plus, COVID sniffing dogs, McConaughey running for Governor of TX, QAnon fights for Britney, and this week’s Emmy nominations. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime

Do you want to look inside the mind of a madman? What? What? A sad man. I am on a cocktail of medication. From time to time. If you said yes to all of this, then get ready. Because we're ready to start the show. Read all about it.

Read all about it. Sunday papers. It's the end of the week. We sum it up. This isn't today's news. This is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. All those days. Together.

The big ones. Okay. All right. All righty. Together. The big ones. Okay. All right. All righty. Look at us. Now, if I shriek, it's because I have a mouse in my office. I have a mouse. What does that mean? I sit in my office, in my Barka lounger, and this mouse just walks across the floor.

And he looks at me. He's not even scared of me. And then he goes behind a cabinet, and he sits there for a while, and then he climbs up on top of my trash can, and he sits there on the edge of it. Huh. Don't eat it, by the way. Don't eat it, because it's probably filled with rat poison

that hasn't taken effect yet, just in case you were going't eat it because it's probably filled with rat poison that hasn't taken effect yet. Just in case you were going to eat it. Right. No, I'm going to just play with him. I really have this fantasy that we're going to become friends and he's going to become like a pet for me. He's very cute. He's a cute little brown mouse. It's like a prisoner's fantasy, right?

Like don't prisoners like. Yeah, they have their little friend, maybe they feed the mouse. Yep, that's what I feel like in this office. So you're like a prisoner in our office. Very much so. Hopefully it looks the other way when you self-soothe while you're procrastinating. I have thought about that.

I haven't self-soothed since the mouse got here, and it is out of respect to him. And I hope he's doing the same for me. It's not out of any self-respect no if it's a female mouse it probably licks itself would i mean think about it four feet four feet four foots oh with your fetish what are you insane i'm not into mice feet they're little scratchy and they have no toenail polish on oh my god okay let's move on all right listen um you talked about you almost took a uh an ambient instead of a riddle no it wasn't close, but I make sure, like, those are the two not to confuse.

Yeah. I was doing, I was the showrunner. I mention this a lot. I was the showrunner on the New Year's Eve, the NBC New Year's Eve show with Carson Daly. Right. And we worked on it for months. It was probably like a three-month job

for a four-hour shoot. But, you know, so we do all this work get all these writers we all fly to new york we're staying in a hotel we're working 16 hour days for like five days leading up to it shooting sketches and then i wake up new year's eve you know and it's like the big day we were shooting two remotes that day and then we're gonna stay up until midnight and i pop i pop a uh a um adderall an adderall i swallow it and then i immediately look at the bottle and i go that was a fucking ambien and so i tried to make myself throw up and i could not throw it out i couldn't get it out wow yeah could not get it out huh and i worked for 20 hours straight on ambien running a show so and that one went really well i remember yeah yeah it went great yeah carson well you can't lose

a carson daly i mean it's like you just throw him a lob and he fucking alley-oops it every time oh radio same with seacrest i mean they're not my cup of tea but radio guys are so strong. I was totally kidding. He's the least funny guy. Probably, but he can fill like a MF-er. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like they could keep talking while someone's talking in their ear. They can feel it.

You got a minute and you got nothing. Okay. Right. So they do have that skill set yeah unlike just talking heads or good-looking people or like if you had like uh you know uh i'm trying to remember who would be a like you know hidey krum or something huh oh yeah if it's not a trained right um even actors it's like uh you got no lines but you got a minute to fill uh right most of them um a podcast is essentially that minute that you're filling times for in our case two hours

i know and we're like and we're like uh so this week, uh, you know, those friends, uh, invited me to an early tea time for golf, right? I'm like, all right, I'll do that. It was like, well, not that early. It was like seven 40 or something. But at 1am I'm like, gee, what are you doing? And I, I just couldn't like, I couldn't go to sleep. So I'm like, I I'm taking a whole, normally I take a sliver of ambient. I think most of it's the power of suggestion. I literally nibble it and let it dissolve under the tongue, dude. So anyway, I take a whole one. This is, this is how it went for me. I take a whole one and I'm like, all right, now I'll brush my teeth and get ready for bed. And then the next thing I know, my hands vibrating and I'm like,

what? Huh? And it's daylight. And I look at my phones in my hand. I'm fully dressed in bed and my phones in my hand opened to the alarm clock page, which I have not set. And it is, it is exactly the tea time. And it's Gubbins, the guy who gives the vaccines, he cuts the line with vaccines, he is calling me like, where are you? And I'm like, oh my God. But that's exactly how it went. It's time travel.

Now, wait a minute. This is an excellent opportunity for you to not pay him for the tea time that you missed to make up for him not paying me for the tee time he missed. I offered to pay, but they filled it, or they had five, or there was someone there. I don't know what it was. All right. We're talking about, by the way, a public course that costs between $10 and $15 to play around.

No, it's $16 and $20 on the weekends. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. It's not cheap anywhere. Oh, how dare they? Yeah. All right. It's $10 when you play in the weekends. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. It's not cheap anywhere. Oh, how dare they? Yeah. All right.

It's 10 when you play in the evening. Yes. Twilight rate is $10. Yeah. And now, you know, the golf course is called Penmar in Venice. They have these Wednesday night music nights. They had it last night. I was there last night.

Were you there last night? Dude, how did you even find a parking spot the entire neighborhood was packed get this i decided you know what i'm gonna go and play god because i missed the morning because of my ambien haze i i played with four strangers at 6 uh 50 p.m went out at 6 50 when i arrived I had to park across the softball field. So for you at home, that's, I'd say, three blocks away. And then the hugest line to get in for non-golfers. And it was, I, and that was the biggest crowd ever, ever at that place, they said last night.

I'm putting it at 400 plus people. So 400 people watched you tee off on the first hole? And I got a birdie on one. No, you didn't. Dude, and Michael Fitzgibbon was there, and he's like, that's what you need this whole time. You need a crowd. You knew that.

I almost reached the green on the drive. And by the way, it was because I was feeling so judged, I just hyper-focused, I guess. And I had a great ambient sleep under my belt. Unbelievable. That's great, man. Birdie on one. It's all dumb golf talk, but as you know, the listeners don't.

Like, I don't know what I'm doing. So to do that is actually remarkable. Yeah. Wow. And you got to see, if you ever get a chance to go to this thing, it is the best-looking collection of people you've ever seen. It was an Instagram post every way you turned. Everybody's in their 20s and early 30s.

They're all like either models or they're it's basically Venice is the place where if you were the best looking jock in your town with the with the best personality, you left the Midwest and you moved to Venice Beach. It's all it's just like the. So they're not necessarily the coolest people. They think they're cool, but they're newly cool. They've also been a little humbled since high school because now they're just blowing producers all the time. Right. There's that.

Yeah. But this is how you can tell what a douchebag hipster crowd, how big of a crowd. It's how many girls are wearing giant dumb hats. Yes. Like the big round hats. Yeah. With their bare feet and cowboy boots.

I'd say there were, I don't know, 110 of those. Yes. And 99% of the guys were wearing flip-flops. Flip-flops just, nope. I can't do it. Can't do it. I can't look at a man with flip-flops on and take him seriously. Unbelievable.

Wear footwear that you can fight in. That's my rule. That's a weird one. Or run. Or run. You're not going to flip-flop away from somebody if you're in danger. And you're going to get your ass kicked if you try to fight them. Yeah.

Well, you're not kicking much, I don't think. No, not if you don't want to end up like fucking Conor McGregor. Speaking of which, some nice artwork this week from Melody Myers. She depicted Joe Rogan interviewing Conor McGregor after the after last Saturday's fight where he broke his ankle. And that's you, the loser. Yeah, I'm the loser. But my abs look fucking good. And she wrote Fitzsimmons across my abs. She did a really cool job. She changed the whole tattoo to put my name in. And you know what you're saying? I think it's today or yesterday.

Your new thing that you're saying, Mr. McGregor, is your ankle is kind of broken and very messed up before the fight. Right. Right. Oh, yeah. I love, well, whatever. All right. Let's tease the show. Let's tell the, whatever. All right. Let's tease the show. Let's tell the folks what's coming up.

A lot coming up. Are we talking about your camping? Your tattoos? There's a lot. Well, later on, we're going to get into some lyrics. We're going to compare Elton John to David Bowie lyrics. We had a little chat about that last week. A little. Really what I'm doing is saying

Bernie Taupin had the easiest job in the world, and I will prove it. And then I saw Pulp Fiction. We'll talk about that later. And it's interesting to see that after having not seen it for over 10 years. Also a lot of news about Britney Spears. But I am leaving.

Well, tomorrow, tomorrow my family, my daughter has wanted to get a tattoo since she was 10. And when she was 12, she surreptitiously ordered a tattoo kit online and received it and tattooed her two best friends and her brother with what she believed was a henna tattoo kit, even though it had a needle and ink. Five years later, they all still have their tattoos. Wow. Wait, JoJo does? JoJo did not give herself a tattoo. She tattooed her brother and her two best friends.

And one of the friend's parents got very angry. I imagine. Yes. Because it was not a good tattoo and it's right on her thigh. And probably pretty unsafe or not as safe as it could be. Probably. Yeah. Yeah.

So anyway, so she's wanting to get a tattoo. So we kind of always said, half jokingly, that we'd all get a tattoo when she turned 18. And then we started talking about what kind of tattoo do we all want? And I suggested the Irish harp because it's a symbol of Ireland. And what it represents is that the British, when they occupied Ireland, they still occupy Ireland. But at the time in the Republic, they did not allow Irish to be spoken. Gaelic could not be spoken. Traditional folk songs could not be sung.

Traditional instruments couldn't be played. And one of those instruments was the harp. And you would be jailed for 20 years if they found a harp. And people dug fucking basements and they put harps in them so they could have sessions and play music wow fuck those irish history yes so anyway we're all gonna get by the way imagine imagine that wing of the prison with all those hardened harp players oh you're in Soul Block H? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Yeah. That's a tough one over there. Yeah. What are you in for? I merited a British man for looking crazy at my wife. Yeah. What about you?

Chopin! Chopin! Oh, God. So anyway, we're all getting an Irish harp tattoo tomorrow at a shop in Feniston right near our house. All right. Okay. I mean, so you were asking where you should get yours the other day. You were thinking about the back of your calf?

I'm thinking either back of the calf or the other day. You were thinking about the back of your calf? I'm thinking either back of the calf or the traditional shoulder. Well, I guess you can't put on your lower back because that's where you have your rest your beer here tattoo. It's just a bullseye. I just made a bullseye. Using homosexuality

to offend you. That's the way to go, kids at home. I don't know about the back of the calf. That seems weird to me. Why is that weird? Does anyone do that? My son's old soccer coach, he had the Mexican flag on his calf.

I could understand the Mexican flag, but not some harp. No, I'm kidding alright what's the other option your arm the shoulder or the back of the shoulder I like those two options better than the back of your calf back of the shoulder is pretty good you know not that many people are going to see it though

I think I'm going to get shoulder then I can reveal it by pulling my sleeve up you want people to see it, huh? Why? What? Yes. Yes, Mike. You can get one too.

You know, enjoy your midlife crisis. Embrace it the way I am. I'm not just because I lead a life of crime and I don't need an identifying mark on my body. I fly a lot, so if I crash and burn, they'll be able to identify my corpse. I'm pretty sure the harp will be burned.

That's the first thing to burn on a body, actually, is the skin. I don't know how much you know about incendiary science. I'll just buy a word for it. All right. Good luck with the tattoos. You're going to post?

I mean, you're going to post it tomorrow night? I'm going to videotape as much. I don't know if they'll let me videotape. I would imagine they let me videotape because it's an ad for their tattoo parlor. Maybe. Doctors, people who break your skin usually don't like you filming. Yeah. Well, if they'll let me,

I'm going to videotape each of us getting it done, and then I will edit together a quick video of me crying. All right, perfect. On Instagram. Sounds good. Also going camping on Saturday for four nights, me and Aaron. All right.

I'm sure you won't get the fresh tattoo dirty and infected. Good luck with that. I know I was thinking that. That's going to be an issue, isn and Aaron? All right. I'm sure you won't get the fresh tattoo dirty and infected. Good luck with that. I know. I was thinking that. That's going to be an issue, isn't it? I don't know how that works. I do know you're covered up in saran wrap and shit like that, don't you? But I'm wondering if you can go swimming. Oh, shit.

In Giardia. Right. I don't know. Yeah, this was not well thought out. There are. You could pack it, if you can, with Vaseline and then those waterproof band-aids, you know, that are sealed on all four sides. Yeah. They say they're waterproof and all that.

If you get on your lower calf, you'll just be doing a handstand the whole time. No problem. Right, right. Denman just wrote, no swimming, no sun, you'll be bleeding ink for a few days. I remember he had that happen with his swastika. And the, yeah.

Yep. It looked like Jews tears, the blood that was coming out. I think it were tears from laughing. I think usually the swastikas laugh, dying laughing so hard. Those are the tears. Right. All right, what's next on the agenda here?

I don't know. How was Vegas last weekend? We talked about it. So why do you have a note in here, flight from Vegas to California? Was that leftover? Oh, no. So a buddy of mine is, I can't say who, so don't guess, but is getting married, right? And it's in like the Midwest. And I was looking at flights, and it's flights to Tennessee, right? So there aren't a lot of nonstops like maybe Delta has one a day. American has like one a day. And then I found I went on kayak and they're like, oh, here's one.

And not only are there really convenient nonstops, dirt cheap. And but the airline is Alleg legion oh god so that's what are they a sponsor because that's what everybody says that's what everybody says when i when i bring it up so did i take a picture of it uh anyway today i saw a flight from Las Vegas to LA, which is what? 39 minutes, 41 minutes, 17 hours. What? Yes. And, and then people just dropped off and they had to fend for themselves. Oh, it wasn't even going to, Oh, that's the best part. It wasn't even going to Los Angeles. And then these like just completely lost people, including old people, are like, so what happens now? Like, are you if you guys arranged a hotel?

We're not even in our destination. Where are we on our own? They're like, you're on your own. Wow. I don't know what I should do now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, it kind of wasn't some of it wasn't their fault. But anyway, if anybody has a good thing to say about Allegiant, write us.

Write us at the show's email. Fitzdogradio at gmail.com. Yeah. I know the bad stories. And they also often, too often, don't stay in the air. That's another thing. And I know I think 60 Minutes did a big thing on them. Their business model is buying really old planes. Oh, I saw that one. They buy them from like

Russia. Yeah. Yeah. So. Wow. Allegiance is probably not a lot of actual allegiance from former passengers, I'm guessing. I heard the seats are really uncomfortable and are more like lawn chairs with parachutes attached to the back. Should that cause concern? Oh, here's Chris Denman saying he took one to Phoenix and don't be 6'3 in their seats. All right. Wow. Can I be 6'3 in their seats. All right. Wow. Can I be 6'1 in their seats? Damn.

My family is going to New York in August, and I'm going a day early because I'm doing a show. And then I bought them tickets a day later, and I waited too long, and none of the major airlines were affordable. They became like $1,000 for a one-way ticket. Right. Except for Spirit. Yes. I found them like $250 tickets on Spirit. And I felt bad because I don't know that I would have bought myself a Spirit ticket.

Yeah, and you never knew you'd see your family again. Right. a spirit ticket yeah and you never knew you'd see your family again right i mean i really i don't know if i i i got them direct flights i could have got them flights with a stop but nobody wants to do that flying across the country so i got them a one-way flight so we'll see i know you got to pay extra for like your seat assignment you got to pay extra for your overhead luggage. You got to pay for like- There's no entertainment. No soft drinks. Yeah.

It's brutal. But they'll be all right. They'll make it. This is when I'll ask to get off the flight. I sit in my chair. It's uncomfortable as hell. That's not enough. There's zero entertainment.

Don't worry. I've downloaded things to my phone. There's no food i got some in my backpack wait what's this on the armrest an ashtray um and where's the call where's the call flight attendant hey and where's the flight where's the flight attendant i'm out of here right and then how old is this play right and then they've got a flight attendant he's not even gay he's a straight guy with an attitude every seat had an asterisk in our lifetime yeah when we were in our teens that's right that's right and a smoking section because the smoke knew not to go past row 12. I think smoking sections were like a new crazy development at one point.

Oh, yeah. No, there were that. That was there was a time when on airplanes they made a section that was non-smoking and people went, oh, Jesus Christ, what next? I know. Yeah. Yeah. Next, we're not going to be able in a in a confined space for five hours

oh the vaccinated section what uh right um are we going to talk about the elephant in the living room that we're wearing masks again in california well i did not see that news today, but I guess it just broke. Yeah. I just went to a restaurant. It was a market. It's a Japanese market that has takeout restaurants, you know, Mitsuwa. Oh, yeah. And I was told I was not allowed in without a mask. Yeah.

Well, speaking of them, because that's a Japanese market, Japan is at a, I put it in here, we'll get to it, but like they're at a new recent high. Yeah. In terms of... Five foot six? Viruses. And, you know, I don't know. And then I'm hearing other things. Oh, are the Yankees?

Did the Yankees cancel a game? Is that what Chris said? That's what Chris said. That's insane. Is this stuff happening fast? This is unvaccinated people, mostly? Los Angeles County, the nation's largest county in California, the nation's largest, is restoring an indoor mask mandate beginning Saturday

following a rapid and sustained increase in COVID-19 cases. That was from the AP Wire 30 minutes ago. Now, keep in mind, I'm going away this weekend, so we're taping Sunday papers on Thursday night. This is probably really old news. Half the country is probably dead by now. Right. And the Olympics have been canceled by now.

Shit, our ratings are going to go down. No, no, no. Our ratings went way up last week after doing, well, for the last two weeks they've gone up. Because I did Tom Segura's podcast, talked about us. And then we did Bert's podcast, which came out last week. Tons of love from you guys. Thank you for all the nice notes and letters. People really enjoyed it. Yeah. People liked it. I, you know, I was very like, oh man,

I don't want to read these comments. Cause usually when you go to a popular person's house, so to speak, you know, they, they like it the way that person usually. And I know Bert on his podcast always has guests, but I don't know. There was something about, I thought there'd be more hate, like there are in all comment sections. You know what I mean? Yeah. We were kind of on though, I have to say.

We had good energy. Yeah, I felt good about it. We got there and it was nice because we taped late in the day. I'm much better late in the day. Usually we tape Sunday papers on Saturday mornings and I'm fucking tired on Saturday mornings. Yeah, me too, but I promised I'd never complain about it again.

Right. Because a listener very astutely said, that's not why we're tuning in. Good point. Speaking of our listeners, I want to thank, holy Christ, John Cabrera did this week's song. It's kind of a daft punk kind of a feel.

That was quality. Yeah. This was as good as any song we've ever had. And he did, and I'll just tell you, he did another song he sent me yesterday that we're going to play in the next few weeks. But yeah, shout out to you, John. Thank you. Very talented. Really? Yeah, no doubt. Thank you. Corrections. going to play in the next few weeks but uh yeah shout out to you john thank you very talented really yeah no doubt thank you um corrections loved you and mike on bird crushers podcast but

your fast and loose nature from sunday papers spilled over and tainted bert's pristine pod richard gear was not in indecent proposal you were were thinking of Robert Redford as the older dude. Woody Harrelson was Demi's husband. I was thinking, of course, of Pretty Woman. Also called Decent Proposal, which is, hey, whore, I'm going to give you money to have sex with you, cool? You mean? That's a decent proposal. You're talking about Pretty Woman?

Yeah. Yeah. That's what that movie is. Yeah talking about Pretty Woman? Yeah. Yeah. That's what that movie is. Yeah, no, this is what Hollywood does. They take women. These guys, these fucking, who's the guy that was harassing all the way? Harvey Weinstein type producers. They want these women like Julia Roberts and Demi more that are young and pretty and have confidence and they have integrity and then they go yeah here's 20 million you're playing a whore they make them

all whores they've done it too i mean the the list of women that went to ivy league sort of like being a whore yes there's a wait denman look, look up the list of Ivy League school actresses that played prostitutes in movies. It's astounding. You had Brooke Shields who went to Princeton, was in Pretty Woman. I haven't looked back at that movie. Pretty Baby. The biggest blind spots ever. Pretty Woman, I imagine. and I imagine. I think she,

they both carry movies. The two of them have charisma oozing out of them and you watch them no matter how bad the script is. I know, but there must be

like such, I don't know. I really don't know the movie. I think even the first time I only seen it once, I think. Like I forgot

Jason Alexander was in it. And then he was on a talk show that I was like running and he talked about it. I'm like, what? So I don't really know much about it. But I imagine it's one of those where, wow, is this what is this the movie that so many women loved? Yeah. I wonder if that's still the case. Undeniable performance, as you said. The actors are amazing, right? Especially her.

Right. You can't hold up. Here's the other women who played prostitutes. Kim Basinger in L.A. Confidential. I don't believe she was Ivy League. Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Charlize Theron in Monster. Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables.

I think she went to an Ivy League school. That's the first Ivy League you've said, I think. Jodie Foster was Ivy League in Taxi Driver. You know, that's a child prostitute. That's its own category. Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge, Elizabeth Taylor in Butterfly 8, and Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Audrey Hepburn was a prostitute in Breakfast at Tiffany's? I don't think I ever saw that movie. Oh, you should see it again just for... and Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Audrey Hepburn was a prostitute in Breakfast at Tiffany's? I don't think I ever saw that movie. Oh, you should see it again just for Rooney, Mickey Rooney's Asian character. Oh, right. Boy, I'll just say this. Boy, does he commit.

Yeah. And he was young when he did that. I think he was like COVID-19. We should talk about a sponsor on the show that is a very cool one, is Stat Hero. Do you know that 85% of people who play daily fantasy sports lose, which does not surprise me. I mean, most of these sites are pretty rigged.

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Winner takes all. You have the advantage. Stat Hero is showing you the lineups ahead of time. None of the other ones do that. So what's cool also is they have survivor pools. I'm a survivor pool guy, and I just did one of those survivor pools. And you get paid every time you advance. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's not like you've got to wait until the end. So you're constantly winning money. So you are in control. It's the DFS the way it was meant to be, one-on-one. Play Stat Hero now and change the odds. Yeah, the one-on-one thing is appealing. I'm not going to beat a bazillion geeks who live and breathe this stuff. Right.

So go to StatHero.com slash papers. Sign up for free. And right now, you can get three times back on your first play they're giving you a 300 match that's unheard of go to stat hero.com slash papers stat hero.com slash papers also the fine folks at keeps uh if you look at the top of my head you'll know that Mike Gibbons is probably going to relate to this product a little bit more than I am.

Although my hair is falling out. I told you I went on Accutane or whatever for these fucking cysts. Sorry, I cursed from rosacea. So anyway, one side effect is your hair drops out. And then it's a toss-up if it'll come back or not.

So there's that. So I'm all about Keep. I'm in, I'm doing it. And I need it. I used, I was, I don't know if we're supposed to mention the names of the other products. I think we can say Minoxidil. I was on Minoxidil and it worked. And this basically what you get with with keeps is there's there's multiple ways of saving your hair. There's two FDA approved medications and they prevent hair loss. And they you get both of them. You're not just getting minoxidil. So anyway, I used it and it worked. It kept my hair but it was fucking expensive and at the time i was broke and i had to i had to cut some corners

at one point in my life i stopped using it it's like my biggest regret i should have stayed on that shit right well listen it's just a fact that it works with most people i think that's and you know i mean talking about any of the hair loss stuff and all this, and they've grabbed the best, the best ones, but it's, it's like not debated. It's a fact that works. It's easy because it's virtual doctor consultations, medications are delivered directly to your door every three months. Uh, you don't have to leave your house. It's low cost. It starts at $10 a month. They offer generic versions, discrete packaging, and proven results. They have five-star reviews, more than any of their competitors. Prevention is key.

Treatments can take four to six months to see results, so act fast. If you're ready to take action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash papers to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's keeps.com slash papers to get your first month free. keeps.com slash papers. I'm in. All right. Should we do some newspaper action? Maybe. I think so. Should we do some newspaper action? Maybe. I think so. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Oh, boy. Did you watch this video I sent you?

I started to, and then I got a call that came in. I forgot to go back to it, so tell me about it. Basically, this gay guy. Well, I think I'm starting backwards. Yeah, trigger one. First, he's a guy who has no limbs. He's born with no arms and no legs. But go ahead. Well, no, that's the beauty of it. It's like if you're a torso, your dating options are pretty fucking limited. Your dating options are pretty fucking limited. My dating options are limited now. I know.

And I'm bipedal. You're quadrupedal. I tend to not walk on my hands, but I can. I know, that's true. So this guy decides that he's a torso who's also gay. Thus, I mean, if you're a torso be bi yeah and he doesn't like blondes it's like what right dude right now she's just dating me for the fucking parking pass i'm not into it she better be over five five uh guy uh you're five the second five yeah

now i i really swore when i wrote this story into the script that we weren't going to take cheap shots at people that were torsos but it's hard i'm not taking we're not i'm taking i'm taking cheap this is relatable to anybody out there who has this really small margin of person that they're willing to go for. Meanwhile, they're no treat themselves. And also, you should be open. That's what we're making fun of. All right, go ahead. All right, so anyway, this guy.

First of all, if you have no arms and no legs, you're about as gay as a gay guy decides you are. Wait a minute. You're a human pincushion. Did you just say there were no cheap shots? Wait, what? Why did I even waste my breath? Sorry. You were setting yourself up to violate the rule.

But you got to see this video. Just look it up. Look up Gabriel Adams and Adam Wheatley, and you'll see the video. It's actually very moving. He met this guy on Tinder, which I'm guessing he went with a tight headshot on the Tinder photo. And then, of course, he has everyone thinking, huh, no no body shot i bet this guy's a bit he's a little overweight meanwhile i gotta say i saw his picture he's got a great body surprise he's not overweight in fact quite underweight great underweight

he uh he has full body ripped abs good pecs he's like you, and he's an attractive looking guy. But yeah, it was definitely like, hey, I don't know, you want to get together for a walk? Um, coffee. He wore a dress. He was the bride, Gabriel Adams. He wore a dress. Well, he doesn't wear pants. Is that what you're saying?

A dress is probably easier. Yeah. Was it a dress or was it a shirt, Greg? It was a full wedding gown. Because a t-shirt would look like a white t-shirt. I'm not making fun of this guy. You are. But it would look like a wedding gown. Yes. Well, what was he going to do? Write us a letter or kick our ass? 0 for 2.

Literally kick, I mean. He could probably beat us up. But watch the video because at the end of it, his partner carries him to a pool and jumps in the water with him in his arms and then throws him into the water. Okay. Yeah.

And the torso guy is floating on his back. That's the old joke. You know, what do you call, you call him Bob. Yeah. Wow. Okay. That seems like a weird, isn't everyone at the wedding on edge as that's happening? Either that or it's the greatest wedding of all

time i mean if you had to either go to your cousin from fucking tulsa oklahoma's wedding and she's marrying a guy who's a bottle a water bottle distributor or you go to a fucking torso in a dress getting thrown in a pool i'd pay five grand to go to that wedding. I'm in. I'm so in. You're right. But you know what? Watch the video. So they didn't throw a garter belt, I assume. I gotta watch the video. Alright, enough.

Enough. Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer released sweeping draft legislation Wednesday to legalize weed. In New York? No, nationally. It already is in New York. It's legal in New York.

Oh, sorry. But him and Cory Booker and Ron Wyden proposed removing federal penalties, expunging nonviolent federal cannabis-related criminal records. expunging non-violent federal cannabis related criminal records so 18 states have now embraced full legalization 37 permit medical marijuana public opinion suggests there's a widespread bipartisan support for liberalizing cannabis laws but of course the senate won't approve it because of a bunch of fucking hypocritical Christians whose teenagers are all fucking high. Half of them are high. I mean, what am I getting so worked up about? But it's just it's like when is our elected body going to start reflecting the views of the population in terms of abortion, in terms of the death penalty? And, you know, there's a disconnect.

In terms of investigating the insurrection. Right, right. In terms of lower taxes. I mean, sorry, taxing the rich. Taxing the rich, right. Lowering it for middle class. In terms of, yeah. Of course.

Healthcare. So he needs... It keeps on course. Healthcare. So he needs... It keeps on going. Yeah. Schumer needs Biden to get behind it. He has supported decriminalizing marijuana, but not legalizing it. And it might have something to do with the fact that his son often has a crack pipe in his hand. Oh, boy.

And he thinks maybe drugs are... Maybe it's a gateway drug. Pots a gateway drug pots a pots a gateway drug it's uh i hate saying this but it's in everyone's interest to uh to get this country stoned because it's not going well no and people need to fucking sit on the, take a timeout. People need a timeout. And that's exactly what, you know, marks and angles. This is anesthetizing, kind of like religion does. It's like, don't worry. You're at your wit's end.

Life completely sucks. There's a thing called heaven. So just hold on. Just hold on till you die. And then everything's going to be good. Well, weed's like, just hold on and binge something. Yeah everything's going to be good well weeds like just hold on and binge something yeah and then just do it again tomorrow and maybe for the next 40 years well in 1984 by george orwell there was soma remember that that was the drug everybody took that kept

everybody oh no i forgot that yeah so i gotta back to that. I remember being in high school, and I didn't know I didn't understand a lot of it, but I had a real feeling I wasn't understanding a lot of it. But you'd get to things that cause you to pause, you know, and I really have to go back to it. I mean, I think I was just because of ADD, I wasn't really like taking a lot in and the smarter students were. But some of that stuff is just wasted on a youthful brain. You know what I mean? Right.

Because I remember getting to college and being like, holy shit, this is rock and roll. Well, I think you need to expose yourself to it when you're young because it plants some seeds and it makes you challenge. You may not really grasp it. And then you need to revisit it when you get older. Like Romeo and Juliet.

I mean, that is dangerous text. I mean, if you're a teenager, I mean, it's like whatever powers that be are preventing me from being with my girlfriend, we're going to kill ourselves. Yeah, right. And it's strongly, It's Shakespeare, man. You put it in the hands of the most convincing writer of all time. It makes a real, it's, it's inspiring. Yeah. Put it that way. Like it could inspire if kids took it seriously. I think there'd be more, uh, quote unquote, romantic suicides. All right. Don't put that out there.

There'd be more quote unquote romantic suicides. All right. Don't put that out there. All right. Just let your daughter get a tattoo today. Hey, she's 18. I have no say in it. I'm not allowing her to get a tattoo.

She's getting a tattoo. You booked the appointment. What are you talking about? What am I going to do? I feel like at this point you either embrace it. You're getting one with her that's right far from discouraging her but is a tattoo really like i don't know is it is it such a non-normative thing now i don't know i don't know the stats i think most people it's a gateway to heroin i'm not sure about it but um all. Enough of you fucking call me a bad parent.

COVID sniffing. Are you ready for this next story? Yeah, go ahead. COVID sniffing police canines in Bristol County. I think it was in Massachusetts. Are the first in the country to detect COVID. I think that's already in the first part of that. The dogs can detect the COVID odor on a counter or table if it was recently touched by a COVID positive individual or even detect the odor on a tissue used by someone with COVID.

That's impressive. It's impressive. And it's one of these things where like they probably spend nine months and about a quarter of a million dollars training a dog. And then he inhales COVID all day and dies two weeks later. Smart. Taxpayer dollars at work. You wrote here, what does COVID smell like? Yeah, I don't know. It's a conversation starter. I bet it smells a lot like a MAGA hat going forward.

Not up till now. Up till now, what did it smell like? That's a good question. A Panda Express? A Pandemic Express? MSG? I don't. Yeah. Well, they can smell cancer too, right?

Some cancers, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, obviously we're not going to get exactly what it is, but I'm even trying to think of a joke. Probably very sweaty, right? Maybe they haven't started smelling it. I don't know. All right, so they have these dogs, though.

Boy, I mean, they could use them anywhere. At concerts. Right. If you're going to institute those rules. Yep. I like that there were two retrievers. Did you see that? Oh, I grabbed this story.

There were two of the cutest retrievers, only nine months old each. Oh, really? From the same dad. I think different moms. One was a of the cutest retrievers, only nine months old each. Oh, really? From the same dad. I think different moms. One was a Labrador. One was a Golden. Obviously mixed, I guess.

And yeah, but these poor dogs, though. Well, then they don't need to sniff anything. Nine-month-old Labrador retrievers. You can tell who has COVID by whoever doesn't pet them. Because they're too fucking sick to bend over. They're afraid they're going to shit their pants. Everybody else is petting those fucking dogs. That's the test.

There it is. In the news, Matthew McConaughey, who is apparently speculating about running for the governor of Texas, which is no more insane than Arnold Schwarzenegger running for governor of California. No, not at all. You're right. You're right.

He said on the Ellen DeGeneres show, quote, what an awesome privilege and awesome responsibility, awesome position of sacrifice and service. He said awesome three times. So, you know, he said it's something to try. It's something I'm trying to look in the eye and give honest consideration. He usually says things in threes, as we all know. Yep. Okay.

Yeah. Well, I guess he'd be awesome then. Well, he's got the black vote after doing all those lincoln continental commercials but you know with okay with the with the new texas voting restrictions though that's not really going to matter uh yeah is he going to keep the power on in that state or what? That's the question. This summer, man, it's not even August. This country, it's, it's, I mean, I know you have to take all the headlines with a grain of salt. I've used a bunch of grains of salt, like a ton of salt, and I'm still rattled. Yeah.

I mean, these fires, this weather is really bad. Things are just erupting into flames, you know, in certain in certain areas in Canada. They're like just buildings are just bursting into flames. It's Armageddon. It's the apocalypse. Well, one of the problems is it becomes I mean, there's probably a better word for this, but it's like a geometric thing in math where all of a sudden this fire can generate lightning. So all of a sudden it's snowballing, another technical term, and it grows way faster than you could have imagined. Yep. Yep. I'm a scientist. Let's do some entertainment.

You got it, pal. All right. We talked about it. Let's talk about it. Pulp Fiction? Yeah. So the Pulp Fiction thing, what do we got here? Wait, it says Pulp Fiction and Elton John lyrics.

Oh, I think I pasted into the middle of your something you wrote. Yeah, you did. I don't know what this. Okay, anyway, where am I? Anyway, Pulp Fiction, I went to a drive-in, right? It was very cool seeing Pulp Fiction in a drive-in. Oh, wow. That's so cool. Because it was at Santa Monica airport because there's also, you know, a retro vibe to Pulp Fiction,

especially with the music and just to hear Dick Dale just wailing across the California, you know, landscape was very cool. And of course, to see things you shouldn't see, like the overdose and then the shot with the needle through the chest, just playing with houses behind it. Yeah. And also the N-word thrown around pretty liberally, like, you know, with traffic driving by. Yeah. It was pretty surreal. Well, no, the sound is in your car, right? Yeah, but everyone has their cars.

They're playing their radio radio and a lot of people back up and open the back hatch and you can tailgate so so the sound is around the parking lot like for sure yeah and so you hear it and like the snack bar plays it on a radio and all that stuff but um i really laughed so hard watching, and I haven't seen it in a long time, but Bruce Willis' girlfriend, next time you see Pulp Fiction... The little French girl?

You basically have to try not laughing. View her as a special needs child that he has to deal with. And it's almost like Tarantino was like, okay, he has to get away. He's going to do the craziest double cross ever. And he has to get away. What could complicate things? Why don't I give him a retarded little girl? A word that Tarantino would use. And she's just like, basically, he's like, you know what I'm going to have for breakfast?

Wait, did you just erase what I was reading? I was moving it up to where you were talking because I thought you thought it was lost. Good Lord. This is a fucking, this is a game show. Guess where it's going to pop up in the Google Docs? It's back up where it originally was. Where? I don't even know where I am now.

Go to entertainment. Go to the top where entertainment is. Fucking A. Okay. So anyway, she's like, I'm going to have blueberry pancakes. So he's packing. They have to get out of there. Yeah.

Right? He's already done the fight they sucked in. It's like, I'm going to have blueberry pancakes. She's like, yeah, what else are you going to have for breakfast, baby? And I'm going to have pie. Like, this is what a special needs child, this is what a child would say. I'm going to have pie. He's like, pie for breakfast?

And then he's like, where's my watch? She's like, she knows she didn't get it like where's my watch she's like she knows she didn't get it she's like it's there and it's and she goes have you looked now this is the first time he hasn't treated like a child he's like yeah I fucking looked what the fuck do you think I'm doing and he's like he's like he's like are you sure you got it and she's like yes so now you're dealing with a kid that basically you've said like, did you eat all the shit in the fridge? And the kids is like, no, you're like forcing the kid to say no and lie. Right. And it's like and so anyway, he has a tantrum. He fucking picks up the TV and throws it.

And he literally goes, do you know how stupid you fucking are? And she's in the corner of the room like a child, literally on the floor in the corner. And he immediately realized he just yelled at a child. His next line is, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. And he goes, I reminded you, but I didn't tell you how important it was. I didn't tell you how important the watch was. And then he's like, OK, listen, here's some money.

Buy yourself some breakfast. I'll be back before you can say blueberry pie. And the little retarded cook goes, blueberry pie. And he's like, maybe not that fast, but pretty fast. Like he had to deal with that even literally because I think she was being literal. Part of it is, is that she's French, you know, and that there's something we really infantilized the French, I think, a little bit. So now he has to go back and get this watch.

So it cuts to him in the car after he just goes, here's some money, and then I'll be blueberry pie. Yeah, not that fast. Hard cut to him in the car like, that fucking I told her to get the watch. I told her the one fucking, which is what, like, you need to freak out when your kids fuck up. But you, like, it's useless freaking out in front of them. So then he comes back and she's like, what happened to my Honda?

And he's like, I crashed that Honda. No, I had to crash that Honda. No follow-up question. She like are you hurt and then she cries because she sees he's hurt and meanwhile he's in a rush and she starts crying he has to slow everything down people want to rip his fucking head off his shoulders right he has to slow everything i was like i'm sorry'm sorry, baby. How was breakfast? Did, did you get the pancakes? And it's like, they didn't, you got your blueberry pancakes. They didn't have blueberry. I had to get buttermilk. And then, and then he says, I've had the single weirdest day. Um, and he'll tell her, I'll tell her about it later.

And it's like, really? And like? She can't even handle getting blueberry pancakes. You're going to tell her you were being tortured in a basement with a gimp walking around who you hanged. You killed the gimp by hanging him. Right. And then you, I mean. After he fucked a guy up the ass with a pole who is rounding up some guys to get medieval on his ass. Yeah. She can't even handle that they were out of blueberry pancakes.

She's not going to be able to handle that. That's great. Anyway, I was howling. The more you think of her as a useless child, it's great. Did you bring the girls to see it? No, no, no. Went with some other people, and it was great. Yeah.

Wow. That's awesome. I've always wanted to go to that little theater. I'm looking at it. It's literally across the street from my office. Oh, yeah. That's exactly where I was. I'm going to bring the mouse. And you know what you should do is bring if you can. I wonder if you like. So it's 107.9 was the audio, right? My car kept shutting off every 15 minutes because you don't have it running. You just have, you know, accessories on. So you'd have to go and start it up again. And then, and also I, my, you can't turn my headlights off all the way. So they know that about a lot of cars. So they have headlight covers, which by the way, they forgot to take off when I was leaving. So I

was about to go out in like midnight traffic with like my headlights covered. But bring a radio. You can't turn off your headlights? I can, but then it gets to like this low glow that they have. Yeah. Like an accessory. And they want those covered as well.

So what does it look like? It's like a tablecloth you throw over your car? They did. They had like a painter's tape and like duvet like black duvet not duvet whatever yeah like a duvetine and they did that to every single car no some people like brought radios a lot of people had older cars that you when you turn off the headlights they're totally out yeah like not even a running light huh yeah interesting but i highly recommend going.

Do you want to talk about the Elton John lyrics? Last week, Mike accused Bernie Taupin of being one of the worst songwriters in history. No, I think there's no one luckier in show business, honestly. Because their relationship was he'd write down a song. Song is in quotes. He'd write down a middle school poem on paper and send it to a genius. Yeah. And, you know, we don't have to go into all of them now, but they're unbelievable.

And maybe we'll do a couple each week because I think people will like this because you don't realize how – all right. So the song, Your Song. You know the song, Your Song? Sure. All right. You can tell everybody. So he writes down, it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside.

I'm not one of those who can easily hide. I don't have much money, but boy, if I did, I'd buy you a house where we both could live. Fine, live with did. I'm fine with that. But still, this is like, I don't know how proud you'd be if your seventh grader wrote this.

How about this? If I was a sculptor, but then again, no. What the fuck happened in that line so if i was a sculptor yeah but then again no or a man who makes potions in a traveling show i don't know much that is clear i don't know much but it's the best i can do my gift is this song and this one's for you it's's like, no, thank you. Please don't tell anybody you had me in mind when you wrote this song. Yeah, right, right.

But then again, no, it's really just a cross out. It's a cross out with your pen. And then you write the next line. And then, yeah. So excuse me for forgetting, but these things I do. You see, I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue. Anyway, the thing is what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

Holy fucking shit. What's the green and the blue? What does that have to do with anything? He was talking about the eyes before he defined what he was talking about. Oh, got it. And you can tell everybody this is a song. Again, I will tell nobody this is my song. Yet, he's like well wait let me

send it to my friend who's this fucking genius gay monkey it's like he's another creature who's going to he can take anything and make it stunningly beautiful yeah but then again no like that line works yeah it's as if he challenged him. I mean, what was, Elton John must have been on the receiving end like, holy shit, what am I going to do with this? It's like God said, I am going to make the most inspired, genius songwriter,

but I'm going to say, but then the devil said, yeah, but he has to only write songs using the lyrics written by this fucking moron. I'm going to say, but then the devil said, yeah, but he has to only write songs using the lyrics written by this fucking moron. I'm not even kidding you. That's what it's like. Like, all right. So space oddity, David Bowie comes out in February of 69, two years later in April, 72, a piece of paper arrives in Elton's hands called Rocket Man. Okay? Keep in mind, everyone is still fucking singing Space Oddity,

which is a bonkers piece of art. I listened to it today and I read it. It's unbelievable how – so anyway. And if we had the budget on this show, we would play it for you right now. I found some YouTube comments. One comment on the Space Oddity was, the fact that I can mentally visualize this entire story as he sings it is crazy. Like people in the comments section to David Bowie's Space Oddity are referring to it like you talk about art.

Yeah. Like how this, there's so little there. Do you know there's basically no chorus in that song? Interesting. Yeah, I never thought of that. It's really interesting. Go read that song and see how much has been in your head. And you go back and you can't believe

it's not twice as long on the written page. Anyway, here was the Rocket Man piece of paper that arrived in Elton's hand, right? Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it's cold as hell. And there's no one there to raise them if you did. It's like, you, Bernieie honestly go fuck yourself fuck it fuck yourself all day long do you see what we're up against yeah and then bernie's like oh bernie's

like keep reading and all this science i don't understand it's just my job five days a week a rocket man a rocket man it's like bernie yeah holy fuck are you is this like like uh what are those things sniglets or whatever whatever those like ad libs are you doing mad lips yeah yeah what am i supposed to do with this right right it's a little bit it's a little bit like uh west side story um which would wait, who did West Side? Who wrote West Side Story? Bernstein, Leonard Bernstein.

Yeah, to take, but even, even Bernstein, to take Romeo and Juliet and go, nah, I can do,

I can do better than that. When you're a jet, you're a jet, to the end, from your first cigarette to your last, it was so fucking bad. It was,

I mean, people fucking rage about west side story it is the most it is the most fucking campy low rent lyrics it's it's g officer crump gee crump you i know it's fucking embarrassing that part yeah why take it on why why try to why try to do space oddity why try to do do Romeo and Juliet? Just do your own thing. All right. So here's a better example. Right. Mona Lisa's in Manhattan has to be one of my favorite Elton John songs. Yeah. Not favorite Bernie fucking Taupin song. Favorite Elton John song, because this is what Elton John was handed. Elton John song because this is what Elton John was handed. Um, and now I know Spanish Harlem are not just pretty words to say. First of all, super fucking awkward with that Spanish Harlem

are. And yet it's like Elton has a gun to his head. Like, nope, you have to do it as written. And this fucking genius creature, he's like, it's almost like an internet algorithm something like people at mit took 20 years like i bet you can't make this pretty and this thing does yeah so and now i know spanish harlem are not just pretty words to say i thought i knew but now i know that rose trees never grow in new york city and it's like oh fuck and mean, just, and now I know, right, right there. That's when art met shit. Like why not just make ba-ba-da-ba. Like I would listen to that song if it would be better without these words. Yeah. Yeah. But this fucking guy, and now I know, like, it's like, he got, he got to work on the second syllable of the piece of shit you wrote him.

A melody was in word two. Yeah. I don't know if that's the right thing. Melody, whatever. I don't know how to talk music. But you know what I'm talking about. Anyway. Well, what about the great Brian Wilson, considered one of the greatest songwriters in history, wrote these words.

Aruba, Jamaica. I can't. Oh, I want to take you. Was he still there when that was written? Bermuda, Bahama. Come on, pretty mama. Key Largo, Montego. Baby, why don't we go?

I mean, well, I think he had a mental breakdown and was addicted to painkillers and other things that his manager was shoving down his throat. He was not in a good place, I don't think, when he wrote that. I assume he wrote that. All right, last one. We'll do this next week, too, and people can send in their examples. All right, Tiny Dancer.

Wait, let's save that one for next week because we have a lot to get to and I have a hard out. Oh, don't get me started on Levon then, Tiny Dancer, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. All right. When you, and then the best is you're like, I'm like, what's your favorite Ellen Johnson? And you go, Funeral for a Friend. I'm like, oh, you mean the one without lyrics? That's exactly what it is. I know.

And then Love Lies Bleeding. Whatever. He did it there, too. Yeah. All right. Emmy nominations came out. The big winners were the streaming services, as they have overtaken network and cable. The Crown has, let's see, and The Mandalorian, which are each streaming, each got 24 nominations.

I didn't look at these. Did Dave get nominated? No. What? No. Pen15? Yes. It did?

Yeah. Okay. WandaVision got 23 nominations. That was pretty great. That is an amazing look. I haven't seen it, though. The other best dramas were The Handmaid's Tale, which, I mean, it's rape for women. I've tried to watch it.

I can't watch all the rape. I didn't know it was that. I'm going to watch it now. Bridgerton, I thought was terrible. I watched about 10 minutes of it. Which one was that? It's like set in England. Oh, right, right.

No, it's from Wanda. Not Wanda. It's from, what's her name? From Grey's Anatomy and all that. Yeah. And then. I think. The Boys, which is, I think, a superhero thing.

I don't really watch. I got, you know what? I was so excited when they first when like batman and spider-man came out back in the 90s and it was like okay marvel's putting some cool shit out and then they fucking just flooded us with so much shit that now i've got a wall up against anything that's superhero because now you're expected to go to something like the avengers and know the backstory of a dozen different superheroes and it's like we we all like those early movies we didn't all become nerds they they overstepped marvel right and i mean the fight sequences it's just this like you know um special effects masturbation you know it's just

like okay all right all right all right i remember seeing thor and the only reason i liked it was they played led zeppelin's immigrant song all right to a fight not once but twice yeah i'm like oh my god but at least i i like that yeah that. Yeah, Thor is one of the ones that I still like. And Thor had a pretty good sense of humor, the movie. Yeah, and he's gorgeous. He's, forget about it. Speaking of hot torsos, I like to see him struggle in a pool. Did I say struggle?

Lovecraft Country, did you see that? No, there's a lot I haven't seen. A lot. You know what I did see this week? What? I tuned in. I was like, all right, I don't want something big. I'm going to try to go to sleep without Ambien.

And I tuned into the Cho Show. The artist, the great artist who famously painted Facebook's mural, and he took that instead of getting paid like $2,000 or $10,000. Anyway, then it was worth $200 million. He was an amazing Howard Stern interview. That's how he came to most people's attention. And he has an interview show. I think it premieres on FXX or FX.

Then it's on Hulu. I loved it. Oh, IX or FX. Then it's on Hulu. It's, I loved it. Oh, I heard his interview on NPR. Really interesting guy. No, he is super vulnerable also. Yeah. And he has a lot of vulnerable. I've only seen one episode.

Kat Von D and her husband. And then, oh, you know who was on it a little bit? Neil Strauss was uh on it but he didn't say anything but you could tell he did an interview with him and um and then a porn star asia asia akira maybe or whatever her name but he became real friends with her i think he might have dated her but it's about a guy kind of struggling for answers now. And what, what better V like what better like motivation for a talk show?

So he's really interested in your answers cause he's looking for answers. Right. Right. And it's, I want to hire the editor from that show because it is so creatively edited all right um i recommend it so uh only one nominee for best comedy abc's blackish was from a cable or cable or broadcast network and netflix despite investing billions in content over the last few years and spending plenty of cash on Emmy campaigning has never won the award in drama, comedy, or Best Limited Series.

It's weird. They've won Oscars for Best Movie. Isn't that weird? And to add more irony, the ceremony will be on September 19th on CBS, which has zero Emmy nominations, even though it is, you know, the biggest of the broadcast networks.

No, CBS, they have at least sports ones and stuff like that. No, I don't know. No drama or comedy. That's probably, I wonder if sports is prime time. Maybe Super Bowls and shit? I don't even know. All right, I'm going to read the Emmys

and I'll be better educated to talk about this stuff. But I'll be very disappointed if some of those shows... Have you caught up to Dave? I have not. I got to get into Dave. Maybe I'll watch it in the tent this weekend when I'm camping. His music producer, who's the real guy, Benny Blanco, real music producer, sings on, what is it, I'm Sorry or whatever it is, the Justin Bieber hit,

and has over 20 number one hits that he's worked on. He's amazing in this. He was in season one, too. He's the guy that looks like a miniature Andre the Giant. In fact, they gave him really good lines, or maybe they're his own to criticize himself and that there was one like that i think can we get sponsored by dave for the love of christ i listen man i like spreading good calm i mean if you have that's what who's listening to us comedy fans right speaking of which britney is uh she's going to court this week and they're going to focus on whether her father, James, will remain a conservator of her $60 million fortune, whether her court-appointed lawyer will be allowed to quit, and whether she will get to hire her own lawyer to represent her, but most importantly, whether she is freed from the onerous restrictions of a 13-year state-imposed guardianship.

She will not tolerate another medical assessment, she said. These are carried out by psychologists or psychiatrists, and she won't allow them to, which is kind of holding up her case. That seems weird. Well, it's because she's crazy. I mean, for all the free Britney stuff, I happen to know somebody who was in contact with her professionally at a doctor's office. I know the person as well.

And she was batshit crazy. Because you sent me to that person. This was less than a year ago. batshit crazy. Because you sent me to that person. This was less than a year ago. And I kind of feel sorry for Brittany because that person also called me crazy. So that was one session.

But I think, listen, I think the world wants to see a free Brittany. Yes. For many reasons. I know, yeah, I know Us Magazine and the National Enquirer definitely want a free Britney. Yes. For many reasons. I know. Yeah. I know us magazine and the national inquire definitely want to free Britney. And a lot of people for the right reasons want to see a free Britney technically free,

but also what would she do? You know, but listen, boy, probably do a podcast. It's kind of like the Whitney Houston thing. I mean, if there were ever

a comeback story and that's what that guy you know the uber music producer i forget his name documentary about him that's what he was betting on you know he found her initially i believe clive davis and he was trying to get that comeback and people are like her voice is ravaged by you know crack and whatever and but talk about this one imagine imagine two years a year from now so Britney's freed like in the next month maybe she goes parties a lot ends her Vegas residency she doesn't need the money And imagine if she came out with like an incredibly impressive album. Well, she was never a good musician and her music is shit. So that would be a fucking miracle. No, but you get. She's a performer. She's a great dancer and she knows how to perform. And she's a persona and a story.

So you write things and like, does this like, you know, the hit me baby one more time, which was working at that point in her life. Like, does this resonate? Like, it's an idiot wind about her father. You know what I mean? Like, those can be written and she can sign off on them and like, you know, maybe, maybe have a hand in some of them, but like, I, I just seems like why wouldn't you want to write an amazing hit song for her that is saying something from her side? You know what I mean? I guess so, but it would really just be lip syncing. I don't think she has,

I don't think she's coherent enough to actually write anything. She would just, yeah, she would just be singing the words. But you know who really wants to see her freak? You and I are on different Britney pages. I know. And believe me, I have masturbated to her multiple times a day. You're not supposed to say that because I know you're masturbating to a teen. When she was 18, I celebrated.

Oh, look at you. I got a cake and I jerked the candles off. All 18 of them. One at a time. 15 minutes apart. And I didn't eat icing on that cake. I iced that fucking thing myself. Oh, there it is.

There it is. About a child. You know who wants her free? QAnon. QAnon has gotten involved and they claim the singer is a victim of Hollywood sex trafficking with ties to Pizzagate. That's right. I love when a conspiracy can take.

All right. They went so far with that Pizzagate thing that somebody got killed, forcing an investigation into whether there was any validity to Pizzagate. There was none. investigation into whether there was any validity to piece of gate there was none i mean you're we're talking a fucking a mandated government investigation came up with nothing and they're and and they go no no we still believe it's real well then we can't win we have to kill everybody that believes that we have to systematically murder anybody that still believes in pizza gate well people died during pizza gate yes that's what i mean i know so anyway they're saying that it's tied to the um the bigger uh the the big the exposure of the epidemic of trafficking of stars in hollywood and the rampant pedophilia rampant i've been in hollywood 21 years and it's above average but not rampant

i i it's above average and it's trying uh i have never seen it and and maybe if i had made it bigger i would have couldn't got a little piece of that mario lopez kid but if any if any teen deserved to be fucking molested it was him he doesn't claim he was right no I bet he date raped a few in his day uh

doesn't he seem like a date rapist uh no comment oh you left me hanging on that one Mike I have inside information from uh No comment. Oh, you left me hanging on that one, Mike. What are you going to work with him? I have inside information from a woman we all know that, listen, nothing criminal, but just aggressive. That's all I'll say right now.

Allegedly aggressive. We'll leave it at that on Sunday Papers. Allegedly aggressive. You're getting Hollywood scoop from the middle, not from the top. From the middle. Yeah. That's our access level. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Let's do some international news. Oh, boy. A lightning strike killed 11 people in India. They were taking selfies atop a watchtower. And 27 people were on the tower. Sorry. And lightning strikes have been killing an average of 2,000 Indians a year since 2004. They can't explain.

They can't explain why there's so many lightning strikes in India, but it definitely explains why the men wear those funny pillows on their heads. Is that what it explains? That's what it is, yes. Or I thought you were going to go with the target between their eyes. Wait a minute. I know India's jam-packed with people. Again, I'm a scientist.

But 2000 a year? A year since 2004. Yeah. So that has to be better odds than winning the lottery. I mean, like, in other words, that analogy has to go out the window. Right. Exactly.

You'd sooner get struck by lightning. Exactly. I will. You should play the Indian lottery. Indians, wow. Yeah. That's 2,000. I wonder how many die.

Because believe it or not, a lot of people live after getting struck by lightning. Because mostly I think, ooh, they're not wearing shoes. No, it says killing, killing 2000. Oh, shit, you're right. I can't read it. They have no shoes, so they're connected to the ground. They get fucking, they get zapped. I mean, there's a lot of generalizations going on here.

Right. But I know that shoes, so Carmel of State New York, right? We had a woman on the golf course get struck by lightning. And she was dazed and all that, but then fine. But she had a burn mark around her neck from the necklace she was wearing. Really? But she lived and they said it was because of her shoes. She had golf shoes on?

Yeah, but with like rubber soles. Yeah, if they were the old ones with the metal spikes, she'd be a goner, right? Or she'd at least have 10 little spikes on the bottom of each of her feet. Yeah, I don't know what happened. 10 little burns. And you know, I've felt lightning. Did I ever tell you that? No.

We were canoeing, and every single year it was canoeing camping. My dad did this trip, and somehow every year picked when it rained. So, I mean, torrential rain on the Delaware river. And anyway, we finally get to, uh, the, the, the point where we're pulling out of the, of the river loading out and it was by a bridge. And, uh, so we're carrying all the canoes up and it's with a big group. It's a, it's an organized thing. So uncle Johnny, my uncle Johnny, who, you know, very well, he and I go up and he's like, hey, kid, come here. You know, like sit down. You know, they got the rest. And we leaned against the guardrail on the side of the road. The guardrail went along the road to the bridge and was connected to the bridge.

And so we're sitting there and he was sitting closer to one seat closer to the bridge than I was. we're sitting there and he was sitting closer to the one seat closer to the bridge than i was and the bridge i didn't know this but the bridge got struck we both got thrown off no shit rail really and he more than me he he had really like it like hurt but yeah we both got bumped off that thing damn that's amazing how did you feel and i felt, I didn't know what happened. And then I didn't even know what happened after. And no real feeling, except I think, I think he dampened the blow a lot. Cause he's like 230 or 40 pounds, you know, on that side of me.

So yeah. Wow. I don't know if that would make, I'm sure we're going to get letters to the editor about, that would make no difference. It's an AC volt. Did you have a jewelry on? I did not have any jewelry on at all, no. But I was holding a torso of a man,

and he had a necklace. There was a shark attack in Brazil. India? 3,000 people die in India from shark attack in Brazil. India? 3,000 people die in India from shark attack every year. Imagine if India had the collection of the things that never allegedly happened, like all the airline crashes, shark attacks, lightning, the things you tell people, don't be afraid of that. Right, right.

All right, where's the shark attack? It was in Brazil. This guy had his hand bitten right off, All right, where's the shark attack? It was in Brazil. This guy had his hand bitten right off, and his leg was bitten by a predator. He had gone into the water to take a leak, so he was barely in the water. I wonder if it got more than his hand.

Was his hand holding his junk i mean oh right he's lucky he didn't get the dick taken off i mean you don't say it that crudely but i mean he was in waist deep water and taking a piss i wonder if the urine attracts the shark i don't know about that i do know there's an uh i think it's the Amazon, but there's a river in South America where when you pee, that's when these creatures go up your penis. Up your penis. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. While you're peeing. That's impressive. Yep. You got to learn how to swim upstream. They're like salmon. They're jumping. Imagine if it was the size of a salmon.

I'm getting in there. I would get in there in a second. That would feel awesome. Oh, my God. Let's get to some international news. Here it comes. I know. I mean, sports.

There it is. Mike? Well, this was your story, believe it or not. Well, why don't you read it just to break it up a little bit. I can't read Japanese. Just to make it seem like you did a little bit of work. I can't read Japanese, but I'm going to try to translate on the fly. The 2020 Tokyo Olympics, already deeply unpopular in Japan, have come under a fresh wave of criticism.

The International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach on Tuesday referred to the Japanese people as Chinese. Oh, guy. During his first public comments after landing in Japan and completing quarantine. Bach's speech was intended as a pep talk. Oh, misfire. For the beleaguered Tokyo games, but instead became yet another.

Maybe it was on purpose. Like, yeah, I got to switch the narrative here. We have to stop talking. How can I get these people to stop talking about COVID in the Olympics? Hey, Chinese people, listen up. Wag the dog. Totally. Yeah. I shouldn't bring up dog if he's... There it is. And then he said... The IOC president was attempting to reassure the host country, which is currently under a state of emergency because they are literally a host country for this virus, because the Delta variant is rising so steeply.

So they don't want the Olympics to become a super spreader event. Quote, our common target is safe and secure games. Chinaman, he said. I didn't say that. For everybody, for the athletes, for all the delegations, and most importantly, also for the Chinese people. And he went on quickly attempting to correct himself by adding Japanese people. And he said, and we don't want this turning into a Chinese fire drill.

I mean a Japanese fire drill. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I think I'm turning Chinese. I really think so and that maybe we should consider doing these olympics as takeout instead of having them here imagine if they're remote and just on an honor system yeah i ran a i ran a i ran a 420 yeah right right i jumped uh i jumped I jumped this high. I jumped this high. Yeah. I did like three flips, and then I turned around like twice while I was in the air.

I mean, the sumo wrestling alone would be a super spreader event. Oh, is sumo wrestling, it's probably not an Olympic sport, is it? Yeah, of course it is. Well, not of course. Do you know how many mainstream sports are not Olympic sports? Chris Denman, look that up for us, for God's sakes. Yeah. Croquet is not. Should be.

I don't even think rugby is. I think it recently maybe became. Maybe. Like, rugby is huge internationally. I don't think cricket's an Olympic sport. Anyway, go ahead. Let's do some business. Okay.

The only thing we have in the business section is that you owe me $100 from last week. Dude, all right, I do. You're right. I paid last Jimbo, our winner. You did pay him, so I owe you half of that too, maybe. Take it out of my bill. It's all in your bill. I just sent you your bill. our winner. You did pay him, so I owe you half of that too, maybe. Take it out of my bill. It's all in your bill.

I just sent you your bill. Take it out of my keeps, all my keeps money, because I'm going to use that thing. I found, I put something else in here. Well, we only have 10 minutes left, and we got to get through. Okay, next week, remind me to do a quiz for you. I want to see how many of, there was a, excuse me, a recent poll of the top, that was a burp, top 10 ice cream flavors.

And I want to see if you can guess them. Okay. Teasing it. All right. Let's do some letters. All right. Joanne, not that Joanne. New Joanne Owen said, long time listener, but you were so wrong to suggest catcalling is okay.

I think this was actually on Bert's podcast. We talked about catcalling. So this is a letter regarding that. That Joanne's doing that. As women, we have to always be concerned about assault and rape. We grow up being told to be aware of our surroundings and put safety first. Cat calls typically happen when you're either walking alone or with one other woman,

it can feel threatening and dangerous. It's already not fair. We have to always be vigilant when walking around to have men who mean no harm contributing to this problem. Isn't right. Well, she is absolutely right. And here's the thing about doing podcasts, doing comedy. How many things have I said in this podcast that are

indefensible, absolutely could not be said at a cocktail party, at a workplace, et cetera. at a workplace, et cetera. And so I understand that people send letters like this, but you have to understand the context of what we're saying is that it's a comedy show and we're fucking around. I don't know. I think you're excusing it. And meanwhile, you have this Joanne Owens, probably has a sweet ass,

because I think she's been catcalled a lot. Oh, shit. And you have to catcalled a lot. Oh, shit. And you have to be sensitive to that. And, you know, I'm kidding, Joanne. Yes. I don't know. I don't think. What did we what did you say?

I think you're the troublemaker. I think I was saying that it's a way of complimenting women. And I understand the real me, the fitzsimmons that's married and is raising a daughter understands catcalling is is a problem that women have to deal with that men don't have to deal with you also never catcall and i'm sensitive i've never catcalled a woman in my life no god no i don't even compliment women when i'm supposed to like like like you know like when meeting them in a bar like you know you know, like where you're, where you're, where they're compliments are welcome. Or like if it's an intern that's working for you on a comedy show that you're producing and she goes and she photocopies something and she bends over in a low cut shirt, like you don't even know the right time to compliment somebody.

I don't even ask appropriate questions. Like when I'm massaging them, like, does this feel good? That's right. I don't even, I'm too shy to even do that while I'm massaging them. And you don't even let them know that if they were to continue wearing shirts like that, that they could get a promotion around here. Right. I know. You're not forthcoming with that kind of information.

I think they're getting enough nonverbal cues to see it's working. Right. Yeah. So anyway, Joanne, I hope that answers your question. No taking, though. She brings up a good point. She does. Very obviously.

I agree with her 100%. Hey, guys. This guy wants us to do a GoFundMe for people in Florida. Well, they need it. For what? Motorcycle helmets? All right, we'll post it. For vaccines?

This guy. For alligator tourniquets? For incest? For good parenting? For Cuban removal? For Cubans that have escaped their country? Yeah. Oxycodone detox?

Malibu rum? Just Malibu rum in general? For crank-related fistfights? Tell us what. It's hard to limit what a good fundraiser for Florida would be. That building fell down, Mike. The building fell down. Oh, that.

Oh, shit. Dude, I honestly did not know it was about that. And clearly none of them. I'm not making any light of that. Hey, by the way, the huge building next to me, I went outside the other day and I was looking up. And I was like, did they start inspecting it already? So I live in Santa Monica and Santa Monica has two tall buildings on the beach. And which is very unlikely.

I don't know how they got through that with zoning and stuff, because normally it's a pretty low lying town, especially in the residential area. And there is plaster chipped away and you see the rebar in multiple spots. Jesus. And it's not like it fell off. I rebar in multiple spots. Jesus. And it's not like it fell off. I think it's like repairs. Wow. But it couldn't have happened that fast.

But that's what's going to happen to all these places on the beach. My mother's place on the beach in Florida. You told us about the patios. The patios are all coming down. Yeah. So anyway, this guy Jordan Hanson said that he had a, what was it? He had a friend who died. Oh, Jordan. Yeah, so he's a stunt person.

And a dear friend of mine and a fellow stunt person lost the love of her life and the parents of her girlfriend and the parents of her girlfriend. Oh, so his friend must be a female lesbian whose girlfriend died and her parents also died. So anyway, he's asking if we will do a GoFundMe for the family. Chris, will you put that link up on the website? Guys, this is a nice cause to get involved with. There's two different GoFundMes here.

One of them is a collection of GoFundMes, all related to the Florida collapse. Those people are suffering. This happened unexpectedly. For some people, that means they don't have the income to take care of their family's expenses. So go to the website, go to the link, and throw some money at them. Okay. I hope this isn't one of his stunts. Get it? Did you say he was a stuntman? Maybe he just does jokey stunts get it did you say he was a stuntman maybe he just does jokey stunts all right i mean that well i am not touching this i'm not touching this let's do some comics it's the sunday funnies all right roy lockhorn coming out of the gate strong today.

He is standing at a carnival, and there is a man standing there in a barbershop blazer with a little cane and a mustache and a straw hat and a little sign that says, Guess your weight. Leroy. He's like the step right up guy. Yeah, the step right up guy. Leroy is standing with Loretta, and he says, because he fucking hates her, he goes, it says, guess your weight, and he goes, can I bet the over?

She is not happy in that photograph. No. And then in the next one, Loy is uh got headphones on reading the paper loretta who is talking to her uh friend says leroy is wearing his wife canceling headphones he hates her he just can't stand her the funny thing is she says that that's the funny yeah right right yeah uh should we do a little family circus uh why i mean what it wouldn't be the podcast without this rich nugget all right god i haven't even i just pasted it i just pasted in there so there's a station wagon it's letting all the

kids out and uh and they're running up to a fence and this shitty little kid is talking to what looks like an unlikely neighbor. He looks like an Indian man, like from India. You can see lightning just above his head. He's not taking a selfie though. And, um,

the little kid with his wide open pie hole is apparently yelling to the guy and he goes, we went for a ride out where they keep all the scenery. Come on. That's cute. That's a cute thing a kid would say. Okay. So, you know, kids say the darndest things and this is like kids say the most unremarkable things. That's what this, that's what this is a comic strip about. Kids say the most unremarkable things that aren't worth the most unnoteworthy. Don't even make a note. Don't jot it down. That one's not like, oh, I should keep a journal of the cutest things my kids say.

That wouldn't be one of them. No, it wouldn't quite make it. It would be something you might mention when you were going to bed. You get into bed and go, oh, guess what Billy said today. And your husband would then probably go straight to sleep without commenting. Yeah. Like it had to be said for the record. He said this.

But it didn't spark a conversation or laughter. No, neither. No. I think that's their MO. Let's get to Blondie. They're in bed, which I don't know why they fucking tease me with this. They're constantly putting her in this frilly negligee, and it's got a little tie at the front. Right above the titty bombs is a little tie.

All you got to do is pull lightly because the breasts are heaving. The tie wants to open. It will explode under the pressure. If you just tweak the edges. Now, does donut pajama wearing dag would even think about that? No, he's got a fucking laptop out.

And she says, some people post everything they do on Facebook. He says, that's why I've taken a firm stand against it. The last selfie I posted was 10 hours ago with Lou's extreme chili dog. And then she looks at him and says, and you didn't post any dinner pics?

And you know Blondie. You know she runs a catering company. She probably made a fucking glazed ham with some fucking al dente asparagus with some kind of a cheese sauce and this piece of shit put a hot dog up there instead then he closes his eyes turns his back to her and says it's not easy but someone has to lead the way and then she says you're an inspiration dear like what a fuck you that was on that ipad she's holding yeah and then she goes one two three and then four fingers deep into the blonde puck and pie hole all right listen whoa mike whoa yeah we should get out quickly after that. It's 4.59. I have a 5 o'clock call on the Alonzo Bowden radio show.

Look at you. So I got to do it. Yeah. But I'll see you on the golf course tomorrow. You playing? Oh, no, you have to bail. No, no, I got a job. Okay.

We'll talk about that next week. All right, we'll talk about that next week. All right. Thanks to Midcoast Media. Mike, I'll see you next week. Take it eesh. Take it eesh. Do you want to hear about the news without reading without learning anything do you want to look inside the mind

of a mad man a sad man from time to time if you said yes to all of this then get ready cause we're ready to start the show Bye.