Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 73 7/25/21

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

Greg reveals his new tattoo and Mike continues his assault on Bernie Taupin. While Jeff Bezos flies through space, one of his pregnant workers miscarries after being denied lighter duty. We make it funny!          

I'm a Catman, and you're listening to Sunday People. Read all about it! Yeah, I'm a Catman, and you're listening to Sunday People. Read all about it! I'm a cat, you can't deny that. A great fit sentence, A great big cent. A great big cent. I've got a big old fluffy tail.

Michael Gitt. Michael Gitt. Yeah. I'm a cat fan. All right, Greg. Read all about it. There it is. National news, international news.

Bezos is in space. Big week to catch up on in the news. Bezos, did you say? Bezos. There it is. That fucker. All right. Nice. I like for those of you listening at home, Greg has a what we call in the business a big set of cans on his head.

Big set of cans bigger than Pam Anderson. What what are those? I think you might have given me a pair of those ones, those headphones. We had a listener. And, you know, I always have to thank the listeners who have been so generous over the years and sending me things. Yeah. And somebody sent some guy who works at some sound studio sent me like eight of these headphones. And they're super high end broadcast quality headphones, but they're enormous. Yeah. Did you just park a plane on the tarmac? It looks like that. No, but I'm going to DJ a festival in the desert next weekend. I don't even think they would.

But it does look like you're about to raise a handgun in target practice. Where's my orange stick so I can direct this plane? Yeah, exactly. They're pretty chunky. I like it. It makes your normally pretty big glasses look smaller. That's one good side effect. Oh, what are we, back on the burn?

You've been served. All right, what do we got? It's a good week. Well, we got? What's, uh, it's a good week. Well, I got my tattoo. We haven't showed that on the show yet. All right,

here it goes. It's going to be, can, I don't know if I'll be able to see it past those cans on the side of your head. It will make it look smaller. It's, it's bigger than I thought,

dude, look at that. Yeah. All right. So for you guys listening, it looks like there's some green to it. I'd say it's two and a half inches, probably tall. Yeah, probably about two and a half inches. Something like that?

Yeah. Like it's not, you're not trying to hide it? No, it's a strong, it was a strong choice. And I went with Kelly green, which my son got the exact same design, but he, uh, he made his gray, which looks kind of refined and classy. Mine looks like a fireman from the seventies. Don't worry. You can change it. Whoops. Uh, it's so weird. You, you agreed to have like, uh, about 900 needles in your arm yet unvaccinated. Still, you draw a line. I don't know how you do it. That is weird. Yeah. Um,

was it painful? Um, it was somewhere in between uncomfortable and painful, but, um, I do this thing and I learned this technique when I was first going to the dentist as a kid and I would freak out and I would start to pretend that a foreign government was torturing me and I had to protect the secrets of the United States of America. And for some weird reason, I still think that when I'm going going to the dentist or, uh, or getting a tattoo and I, and I feel patriotic. Oh, I thought you were going to say like when you go to the dentist to avoid the pain, you're like, can you just knock me out and play with my genitals while you also do the work? And I sing God bless America when I wake up.

Uh, I used to do that and I used to think I was a tough guy. Like I'd hear about, I think I've talked about this on the podcast, but I'd hear about like, Oh, they like hooked him up to a, like, like the metal part of a bed, like the bed springs. And they run electricity through them, you know, or they shock you, or they hook up, you know, a car battery to your genitals. I'm like, yeah, you know, bring it on. I wouldn't. And, but I'm such a pussy. Like, like literally just the thought of like a cold shower. I'm like, no, no, no. What do you want? What do you want? Or like you, you open a room, you're like, this is where you're going to torture me. Okay. Bring out where the clamps on my nipples. Let's

do it. It's like, no, it's just an Ottoman. I'm like, well, what happens? Well, you just, you have to take off your shoe and kick it no no what do you they're they're in they're in guantanamo we actually left we left missiles in guantanamo and that's where they are right yeah the guy's the guy's name is uh uh greg fitzsimmons he lives at two that yeah not you want me to stub my little toe on that ottoman not happening so that's the torch you envision is stubbing your toe on an ottoman like being forced at gunpoint to stub your what i'm saying is that's all it would take like i'm a big guy i'm like oh yeah i mean waterboarding like i know they're not going to drown me they

need the info i can withstand that meanwhile i couldn't withstand any of that stuff i would sing like a fucking bird so fast. They say sleep deprivation is the worst torture they can give you. If they woke me after five hours, I'd be like, all right, I'm an open book. What do you need? Do you remember what it was like when one of your babies would just start

crying while you were sleep deprived, you wanted to kill it. And you were literally would do anything to get out. And like, and now they're going to do that with Metallica. Forget it. I can't even look at a Metallica album cover without wanting to tell you everything I know. I know Metallica.

When I hear it, it really does. There is a party that goes like, Oh yeah, Guantanamo. This is the fucking anthem of guantanamo yeah and you know listen i could listen i'll listen to those sirens uh we're the whole state's probably on fire by the time this is airing santa monica the listen i can listen to

good metallica but that's like what three songs and songs? And in my opinion, anyway. All right, cool. Well, I mean, and everyone, Erin got one? Erin got it. She got it down like under her arm along here. Okay. Owen got it on the shoulder. JoJo got it on like her elbow, inside of her elbow area.

Did the tattoo hurt Erin's side boob at all or no? It did hurt. She said it hurt. That I'd imagine hurts more there. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't know why she got it there.

I'm the only one that's going to see it. Right. I don't know. Bathing suit. If she goes like this with her bathing suit on, I guess. Yeah. Or no. I mean, on, I guess. Yeah. Or no. I mean, yeah.

I don't know. A lot of women's shirts are kind of ironically, well, not ironically, but wife beaters. Yeah. We went camping this weekend, me and her, this past weekend. Where'd you go? Went up to Morro Bay up the coast. Oh, nice. Up above Pismo and all that.

Yeah, Pismo. It was just fucking stunning. So stunning. And, you know, we were super active. We didn't have the kids, which was amazing because we did whatever the fuck we wanted the whole time. Smoked pot every night. Danced. Danced by the campfire. Made wild love in a tent.

Wow. Not wild, but it was. The poor area. You know, you've got neighbors, so you have to be considerate. The people I went to Chappelle with in Vegas, they're from that area. They're big listeners, and it's gorgeous. Yeah. I just see photos from there.

And it just looks so chill. It has, to me, a New England vibe. It does. It also reminded me of Ireland a lot because there was a lot of fog. And it's very green. It's very lush and green. And with the cliffs going down to the ocean, it definitely made me feel like Ireland. And there was a guy proposed. I talked about this on my podcast a little bit,

but I saw a guy propose on a hike. Really? Yeah. Wow. Maybe it was all the wild sounds coming from your tent that inspired him to lock it up. He goes, I can have that for life? Yeah.

Because those fuckers look like they've been married for about 25 years. That's what marriage is, unlimited sex. Anytime you want it, just tons of it, tons of it. It's a lot like the all-you-can-eat shrimp at Beefsteak Charlie's. So good the first minute. The first minute, it's unbelievable. So good the first minute. The first minute, it's unbelievable.

Very few people go up for that second helping at Beefsteak Charlie's. Remember there was a Beefsteak Charlie's in Times Square. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's old school, and I would go there. Yeah. All right. What's the flies? I see flies here on the Google Doc we're sharing. Oh, so we were away. So we left the kids home alone for the first time.

And, you know, they're 18 and 20 at this point. So it's like, you know, it was time. And have you left the girls alone? Yeah, that's why I'm shocked. Yeah, I definitely have. I mean, I guess I did once Sophie was like around 17. But like, you know, and then sometimes the cousins will come over. Well, lately I've been getting kicked out. So Kate, my niece, the oldest, they're all within four years. But so when she's like 20 now. Anyway, yes, they'll then then I'll come home and it's just I see like all these empty white claws by the trash. You know, they don't do a good job hiding them. Right.

Well, we get it. I get a text from our our neighbor. So our next neighbor's neighbor saying, what's going on with all the flies? Do you guys have a lot of flies? And I realize they have not picked up any dog shit in the yard in four days. And I know that if you leave shit out in the yard for a half an hour, it will be covered in flies. And we got home and there was probably 15 piles of shit laying around the yard that they didn't pick up. And somehow the fly is not bothering them enough. Right. Oh, my God.

Right. There were flies everywhere. I got a fly sweater out. It was fucking Armageddon. I was just like, I was kind of enjoying it after a while. It was like a hunting expedition. So I said to my neighbors, oh, I'm not really sure what's going on. We're away.

Nice. Yeah. Good for them. I think they were good, though. Yeah, well, obviously they had a good time. They were too busy to pick up the shit. Yeah, right. All right, so you know I love Wendy Williams.

You love Wendy Williams. You love Wendy Williams. I love her. I'm hoping this audio comes through. Just listen. This clip is probably 20 seconds. Just listen to her. Hopefully, tell me if you can hear this. Here we go.

See any sex in the city. By the way, a shout out to Kim Cattrall. So she's talking about, hold on. She's talking about sex in the City. By the way, a shout out to Kim Cattrall. So she's talking about, hold on. She's talking about Sex in the City, right? She's just talking about she can't, I think she can't find Sex in the City like when she tried to watch it over the weekend. So listen to this. Son of a bitch.

Hold on, hold on. I'm bad at this. Somehow I'm in. Wow. I didn't watch Lifetime all weekend. I didn't get caught up in any movies. And I didn't see any Sex and the City. By the way, a shout out to Kim Cattrall.

Her brother was missing. And I saw on the news feed this morning that he was found dead. Yeah, Samantha or Samantha from Sex and the City. So, but I didn't see. Did Samantha from Sex and the City. But I didn't see... Did anybody watch Sex and the City over the weekend? Where was it? Just moves on. Just...

That's a little tiny, tiny sidebar. Even her audience was like, oh. I mean, even her audience was like, Oh, that's the best host on TV. I'm sorry. That's the most entertaining. First of all,

is that the proper way to handle a bereavement is shout out, shout out to Kim Cattrall. Brother's dead. Anyway, did you guys see anyway did her brother was missing her brother was missing and then kind of a pregnant pause before like it was like a she's not she can't possibly say what i what she did because uh she would not have said shout out yeah it would it would not have been framed this way oh my god my God. A shout-out means, like, you want a spelling bee, or you're going to play in the Olympic Games.

That's a shout-out. Yeah. Not your brother was missing and ultimately is dead. Anyway, I couldn't find it. Anybody see it? Not only was her brother missing, but the show's missing. I hope the show's not dead. Boy, I hope when I find the show, it's not dead like her brother.

It's crazy. It's super crazy. She is. She's so great. Yeah. She is. She's so great. That's insane. Yeah. So perfect. Oh, boy. There was a clip that went very viral of me and Rogan one time, and it was him talking about, we were talking about how with insurance, different people's lives are worth different amounts of money. Like if you're the male bread earner in the family and you die, you get hit by a car and you sue, you can get millions. But if you're like a little girl, you won't get very much money when you sue.

Right. And he went really deep on it. And he was like, wow, that's heavy, man. To think about like different human lives have a different dollar sign. Did you see that moose get hit by the car last week? And somebody titled it, the Joe Rogan show summed up in one minute. And it was just that clip. And it got like millions of hits.

That's when the name of it is perfect. The Joe Rogan experience like that. That's what you're going to experience. I'm going on a show on Tuesday. I'm flying to Austin. Wow. I'm going to do I'm doing Tony Hinchcliffe's show. All right. Texas. Texas wants you. You'll lower their COVID average, which is quite high, relatively speaking. Not as high as these bozos in Missouri. Oh, I know.

They're listening now. They produced this thing, if you can call it that. They listened to this thing. Then they put it up. No, they're great. But I guess that's in a different kind of part of Missouri. We heard a very red part, hot red part. Yeah. On the map, they are they are purple. They are the darkest red on the map of new. Is it the least vaccinated or is it the most cases of new cases? I think they're the least vaccinated.

I don't know. We're going to talk about Florida. Florida is killing it in terms of COVID rates of infection. Anyway, we'll talk about that later. Shout out. Also, I can't wait to fucking slam Bernie Taupin more. Go ahead. Shout out to John Clifford, who did this week's logo of us as astronauts, which was a little head nod to Jeff Bezos. Maybe or maybe it's a head nod to the boy from Europe whose dad paid like millions and millions and millions of dollars for him to

get a seat on it. Right. Right. Maybe it's that. No matter what, the taxpayers paid for this because Amazon pays basically no taxes. Right. Did you see his adjusted, Bezos' adjusted tax rate? $1, right? No, no, 0.98%. So less than 1%. Less than 1%. Wow. Yeah. America. Fucking crazy.

And also the song this week, a band called Wife Swap. And it sounds like the music you would play during a wife swap. Because usually wife swaps, it's never a really good-looking couple swapping with another good-looking couple. It's usually a woman that has very long fingernails and teased hair,

and she's a little bit overweight, but she's got great shoes. Sounds good to me. Yeah. Husband's got a mullet with a receding hairline. That's the wife swap. Also sounds good to me. And that's what that song felt like to me. That's who I pictured fucking during that song. Okay. I don't know. You could have rocked that in the tent maybe. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Corrections. of rocked that in the tent maybe oh yeah oh yeah um corrections hey thanks for the shout out to soma but you said that it was in 1984 but it was actually the popular drug in brave new world by aldous huxley he wrote hustly by the way and it's Huxley, I believe. It is Huxley, 100%. So correction on your correction, Lucia Ribeiro. Modest Pottist, P-O-T-I-S-T. That's the handle. That's the person's name, Modest Pottist. Hey, guys.

On the last episode, Mike was talking about a dirt cheap plane ticket to the Midwest. Yeah. Tennessee. West Tennessee might be kind of Midwest, but overall I think it's considered a southern state. Is Tennessee Midwest or is it southern? Well, I think he has a good point. What would you consider Ohio?

Midwest for sure. Well then. But Kentucky, which is right next to Ohio, I consider the South. Yeah. In fact, Cincinnati Airport is in Kentucky. Correct. Yeah. That's how of one they are with each other.

But yeah, sure. Great correction. Accepted. Thank you, Modest Pottest. Yeah. Worth it. Modest continuesottest. Yeah, worth it. Modest continues, this correction is as pointless as a Jeff Keen anecdote,

but thought I'd throw in my two cents. Thanks for all the laughs. Take it eesh. He turned it around. He owned how meaningless his correction was. I like it. Tom Hanks says, and I don't think this is the real Tom Hanks, by the

way. All right, hold on. I see my name in this, so I'd like to think it's him. Hi, guys. I just wanted to issue a quick correction for Mr. Gibbons. Mike, a few different times you've started to complain about something and then stopped yourself and said that you should be grateful for everything you have instead. But this is incorrect. You have every right to complain, Mike. Hollywood is done with you, and you're going to die alone. It would be weird if you didn't gripe a little. Tom Hanks. That grateful thing really doesn't sound like me.

I'm glad if I'm putting that vibe out at all. You know what? I shouldn't be saying why. No, you keep trying to tell yourself that you should be grateful. Oh, okay. It doesn't say should be grateful. Oh, okay. You are grateful. Oh, all right. That makes sense.

They say gratitude. I hear that most consistently, that if the one thing that will make you happy and less anxious, it's gratitude. Huh. Not self-soothing? Okay. I had always heard that. Well, you're grateful you can reach. Yeah. All right. what else we got uh another one from tom cruise i don't know if it's the same one no that's tom hanks

oh this is another american treasure uh hi greg how dare you how very dare you insinuate that the genius god that is brian wilson had a hand in writing the insipid ball of musical belly lint that is Kokomo. We got a lot of emails about this, by the way. I kind of questioned it at the time. The song was in fact penned by John Phillips of the Mamas and the papas, Scott McKenzie. He is flowers in his receding hair, the anti-Brian and much evil ginger succubus, Mike Love. All right, whatever. Nice sentence.

So we'll talk about it later, but I cannot recommend more highly the documentary on Hulu called McCartney three, two, one and, uh, pet sounds flat out. McCartney says in, in similar, in not these exact words, no pet sounds, no Sergeant peppers. Yeah, of course. Of course. Right. But yeah. Yeah. But to hear him like, you know, say it so kind of succinctly was, you know, it was his first response when he you know, when when he set up when they were setting up Sergeant Peppers.

Yeah, they apparently like they were they they heard it and they were so blown away that it inspired them to do Sergeant Peppers. And then Brian Wilson heard Sergeant Peppers and he had to pull his car over on the side of the road. And, and, and he, he started to cry apparently because they had outdone him. Jotted down Kokomo and left it in his glove box for Mike Love to find. A stink bomb.

And then, and then he wrote the smile sessions, which had the song, good vibrations on it. And then he wrote The Smile Sessions, which had the song Good Vibrations on it. And it never got done because fucking Mike Love and these other assholes gave him so much shit and they said it was too experimental and that's not what the Beach Boys really were. Hey, guess what?

Brian Wilson is the Beach Boys. End of story. It really is the end of that story. You're fucking accessories. Yeah. And they stopped him from creating what it took him 30 years to finish. And they did it on stage. This is a great documentary of him doing the smile sessions at the famous theater in London.

A Royal Albert Hall? Yeah, he did it at the Royal Albert Hall for the first time with a full orchestra. Oh. And it's fucking brilliant. It's a weird album, but it was his response to Sgt. Pepper's. He came around with it. I remember that. By the way, Sgt. Pepper's is, I believe it was a roadie or a crew member,

asked McCartney to pass the salt and pepper. And McCartney goes, did you say Sergeant Pepper? And he's like, no. And then it stuck. Really? Yep. Because I had heard that there was a poster backstage at a show that they were doing, and it was sergeant pepper and

that inspired them to come up with that whole persona and that whole story so no stories but the persona is interesting because anyway he did he did you have to see this thing but he he did say um it was a relief that they kind of weren't the Beatles. In other words, there was so, so, so much pressure on them. And then this, they could kind of hide behind this persona, as you said. Right. Of Sgt. Pepper's band. And they just felt freer. Right.

And boy, did they experiment. What are the greatest rock personas of all time obviously ziggy stardust probably number one yeah um you had uh david what's his name um from... Oh, the Dolls? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's his name? The funny thing is Bob Dylan will say he's a persona. Yeah, several personas. He's changed his personas.

He always plays with that sort of identity thing, and he's not born Bob Dylan. Yeah, no, there's many. That's a good question. I've never heard that question. What's the guy's name? David... I'll get it. I've seen him. Johansson? Yeah, David Johansson. Buster Poindexter?

Yep, Buster Poindexter. I wouldn't put that too far up there, though. Who are the other great ones? Oh, Bernie Taupin masqueraded as a songwriter. How about that? Yeah. In the Songwriting Hall of Fame, I'm assuming. Yeah.

For Dribble. It's as if, I can't even. It's as if I can't even it's as it's as if Jeff Keene was was if only Family Circus had an Elton John like to here's a piece of garbage. Can you make it like for the ages? Well, that's what Billy is. I think Billy as a performer in the strip elevates the material. That's what it is. You know what else elevates?

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You don't throw it around a lot. No. J'ai tout refoncé pour quatre ans à collège, six ans à New York. You should say pardon your French for when you slaughter French. I wanted to get back into it again because it was the pandemic. And I thought, what am I going to get, a textbook? What am I going to find, my old notebooks? No, what I'm going to find is Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L. It is just, it's an amazing way to get back into, I mean, you can learn a language from scratch,

but for me, it was like, how many of us studied a language in high school and then have forgotten most of it? Si, claro. Oh, there you go. By the way, that's a real F you to Los Angeles, that you're going to sit here. Your kids speak fluent Spanish. You do not, and you're going to take French. Yep. And we're in Los Angeles.

Babbel is the number one selling language learning app. It's easy because it's 15-minute lessons, which if you can't handle that, even us with our ADD can handle 15 minutes, and it makes you hyper-focus for that time, so it really sinks in. D-A-C-5. Actually, I don't think that's how you say 15, and it makes you hyper focus for that time so it really sinks in. D-A-C-5. Actually, I don't think that's how you say 15, is it?

Can-ze. Can-ze. Yeah, Quinceyera is the 15th birthday. Yeah, it's probably one. Quincey or something like that. It's a disgrace that I don't know more Spanish and I live here in Santa Monica.

Well, you know, we get a free sign up with this. We do as sponsors. What you're going to get at home is a three-month Babbel subscription with three months for free added on to it. The thing that's great about it is it's real language that you use. It's not like conjugated verbs. It's like phrases and words that you can actually use in conversation. They've got all 14 different languages, Spanish, French, Italian, German, and they've got this Babbel speech recognition technology.

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By the way, here's a shortcut. Don't learn Italian. You know, that's on a lot of to do list. Learn Spanish. And in my educated opinion, Italian is like a an emotional, a very highly emotional child is speaking Spanish. And it's more playful. It's more playful. There's like more playful vowels.

And they put a lot of vowels at the end in a more playful way than Spanish, with vigor. And so that's my take. And poutiness. On the romance languages. Vowels and poutiness. Hey, hey. Yeah, a lot of vowels and poutiness. Hey, hey, hey. Yeah, a lot of inflection.

I saw, when I was in Italy, I saw this guy walking down the street, and he was carrying a briefcase, and he was talking on a cell phone. And he started to get, all by himself, walking along, and he started to get so heated up in the conversation that he had to stop, put down his briefcase, so he could pinch his fingers together and shake them up and down while he was talking on the phone. That's perfect. That is so perfect. Yeah. Well, I remember Mario Cuomo,

governor of New York, was running for president and he spoke with his hands so much that they, and it's a very popular trick that they do, like consultants come in and they're like, clasp your fingers together, you know, like, like interweave your, you know, eight, your, uh, eight fingers together, those ones in the front. And so he did that and he's like, and then, and then, so now he's punching with two hands as he's keeping them locked. The hands were still going crazy, but as one like he'd be in a presidential debate. He's like, and then are you a health care? But, you know. Yeah. And that's something New Yorkers do.

And I found that in California that I used to point when I talked and my friend Nick Smith does it. And it's considered very aggressive out here. Right. You have to learn to not do it. Cuomo's son, Cuomo's son, though, the governor, the now governor of New York, has also been told to do this just so he won't grope women. So, yeah, it helps. But he still does it with both hands clasped.

That's the kind of late night comedy chops that Mike Gibbons brings to. Can we talk about your new job? Are we talking about your new job yet? I don't think. I think we can wait on that. Mike's got a new job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, we'll see.

All right. I'm excited. I'm excited to be working. I like your policy that you always wait to get fired until you talk about a job. Yeah, that's the way to do it, think are we gonna start this bitch let's do some news front page all right a couple whose gender reveal party sparked a Southern California wildfire that killed the leader of an elite firefighting team last year were charged with involuntary manslaughter. Not just a fire. One of the largest in America.

In history. Yeah. Yeah. Refugio Manuel Jimenez Jr. Jesus. Refugio Manuel Jimenez Jr. Jesus. You'd think if you're the dad and your name is Refugio Manuel Jimenez, are you really going to do that to your son and make him a junior?

Jimenez. See, I still got a little of it. And Angela Renee Jimenez pleaded not guilty Monday to charges involving the El Dorado. How do you plead not guilty Monday to charges involving the El Dorado. How do you how do you plead not guilty? There's 27 families that have a phone video of you starting the fucking fire. Well, yeah, I'm interested in this a little like that. I mean, I guess they could have wanted lesser charges. I don't know.

I sometimes lose track of what, like, involuntary manslaughter means. Like, even when the cop in Minnesota was being the charges they were discussing, the different types of manslaughter, I get a little lost. And it does, I think, change state to state. So, anyway. But it happened because, I guess, I don't know if they lit off fireworks with the gender reveal or whatever. Yeah, they did. That is what they did. But they both they started the fire. Well, they didn't start the fire. It's been always burning since learning. Don't by the way, I will tear apart Billy Joel. You want me to do that next episode?

Yeah, I know. I know your big peeve with the tonic and gin. I know that that gets up. Well, that's Kindler also. That's very Kindler. But trust me, you don't even have to go there. It's like whatever it's good. So they face up to 20 years behind bars. That's I mean, I think a lot of people want them to go away for a while, but that's a lot. Do you think the other inmates will have a gender reveal party for them when they find out they have new genders now that they're in jail? Like, what do you mean? Like when when was Antonio when Refugio gets in there like, congratulations, you're a girl. Yeah. And Angela, you're a boy. And Angela, you're a boy.

Well, how about when she eventually gives birth? It's like, congratulations, it's an orphan because you're both in prison. I know. I love that it's 20 years, which is the exact amount of years it takes to raise a child. Yeah. Yeah, this kid will be a well-adjusted kid. Yeah. I wonder, do they have cigars? It's an orphan.

And by the way, good luck with the cigars. Keep them away from the dry brush, please. Yes. Learn your lessons. In Nevada, a woman broke into a dentist's office, stole money, and pulled 13. I had to look this article up in three different newspapers because I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I also don't follow one part of it, but go ahead. She pulled 13 teeth from an unconscious patient on two separate occasions, according to the Washoe County Police.

It was probably, Greg, someone like you who's like, you know what? I won't tell you any secrets. I'm at the dentist's office. This isn't going to hurt me. You wake up. You're like, Jesus Jesus I should have talked half my teeth were gone Laurel Eich

who is not a dentist broke into a dental office where she claimed she had formerly worked and discovered that $22,000 in cash and checks had been stolen

from a drawer what? that's the confusing part to me oh I might have cut together a couple of the? That's the confusing part to me. Oh, I might have cut together a couple of the different stories at the same time. Because I was wondering... All right, go ahead.

Bottom line is, this woman worked at a dentist's office. She broke in and stole cash. That was one charge. The other charge was, while patients were under, I guess the dentist would leave the room and then she would go in with pliers

and she would take more teeth. And this is why you should never tell your kids there's a tooth fairy, because if they get deranged later in life, they're going to think there's a cash cow. Well, like, was there was it the Nazi thing? Was there gold in the teeth? Like, I don't I don't totally get it. Also, the way you wrote it, which was a little confusing, that she discovered that $23,000 in cash had been stolen. So is it one of those where you go to rob a warehouse and shit's stolen, so you're like, well, fuck this, I'm taking this then.

Yeah, right. You start taking things off the wall because it's a bust, and it's like, I'm taking 13 teeth. Also, 13 teeth, it's not fast. Pulling a tooth is not fast. No. No. And you know she went for the front ones too. She's not going to waste her time going

to the back. She'd grab the people with no fucking teeth. I mean, that's a great lawsuit. Also, upper... Yeah, exactly. The upper teeth are also easier to take. I learned very much the hard way. It's not as much in your jawbone or the jawbone.

It's maybe not as deep or strong or something. But 13, I mean, I wonder how fast she did it. That's crazy. I wonder if she did put them under her pillow and the tooth fairy showed up and was like, these aren't yours. It doesn't work that way. Yeah.

I can't pay these off. But I made a nice smile with them. Look. It's a full set of uppers. Here's a sweet story. Patty Hernandez, a 23-year-old Amazon warehouse worker in Tracy, California, miscarried after pleading with her manager and human resources for lighter duty. She was at work one day. She went to the bathroom and discovered blood in her pants.

She was seven weeks pregnant at the time. in her pants. She was seven weeks pregnant at the time. In the weeks before, she had pleaded repeatedly with her manager and the warehouse's human resources for lighter duty and submitted a doctor's note requesting pregnancy accommodations. Yeah, no, the doctor's note was specific. Yeah, it said no lifting, pushing, pulling or carrying more than 20 pounds and no walking or standing for more than 50 percent of the shift. So they ignored that. She was forced to know they denied they denied the doctor's note. She was forced to lift yellow bins filled with merchandise that weighed up to 50 pounds and work 10 hour shifts standing. and worked 10-hour shifts standing. So she... And then the manager said...

Kept asking her why she was taking longer bathroom breaks and why was she moving slower. And so she lost the baby. I wonder, can she return the baby gifts through Amazon? Like, will the drivers come to the house? Well, Greg, this is how good Amazon is at returns. No charge when she returned the fetus. Zero.

Right. Right. They're like, but they did. She did it in the warehouse. They're like, thank you for returning this human life to our warehouse. Hey, we should send this to space. Yeah. It's like, well, you know, we're going to run this up the flagpole, but our boss is

currently almost literally burning millions and millions and millions of dollars right now on a little joyride. Yeah. So we'll get back to you. right now on a little joyride. Yeah. So we'll get back to you. Here's a story about,

you're going to love this one. Okay. For weeks, an unknown man has called libraries around the country asking for a specific Supreme Court opinion to be read to him. As the librarians comply, it becomes clear that he is pleasuring himself to the words of the court.

And it's always Brady versus Maryland. This is an actual court opinions with pornography discussed in the facts. How Brown versus the like it would be the best. It was the driest, like, you know, least sexual case ever. No, but this guy's a fucking genius. He found the dirtiest law ever written and he tells them which parts to read and then he whips it out and they're librarians they're like sweet ladies with their hair up and the bifocal glasses some of them had to be men and

he's like uh yes uh female librarian please. I'm the only one on duty. No, I. When's the female librarian come on duty? Can you. OK, well, if you're going to if you're going to read this for me, sir, can you do it? Ruth Bader Ginsburg's voice. Well, first of all, librarians will on demand. Like I would have never gone to the library.

I would like, yeah. Can you find old man in the sea and you up top of page one, just start. Top of page one. Yeah. We had a thing. Tale of two cities. You can, you can actually start on the second sentence. I know the first one.

I was at, when I worked at the band show, we had this sensor. Name drop. It was like the network sensor. And she was smoking hot. And we would write these filthy fucking sketches. And then she would call us and we'd put her on speakerphone so she could read to us the dirty things that we had to take out of the script while you circle jerked yeah we ended up writing a sketch about it that she then approved to put on the air

so she realized what we were doing i, this is not really related, but Comedy Central Standards and Practices, they're the censors, I think it was the Sarah Silverman program. Was that the name of it? Whenever they referred to a vagina, I think they, in the show, I believe they might have used her name.

Oh, that's great. I think, yeah. I should try to confirm that. Funny, even if it's not true. But I think that was true. But really, a tip of the hat and a shout out to this guy who's been calling the libraries. Apparently he's still out there. Now, how do they know?

It becomes clear. How do they know he was? Masturbating? I know. You know, when he's asking to read slower and can you skip to the juicy part? I'm sure. Well, listen, first thing I'm doing after this podcast is I'm going to go read Brady versus Maryland. Yeah, right.

I actually looked it up and it didn't sound like a pornographic case. I must have found the wrong one. All right. Yeah, right. I actually looked it up, and it didn't sound like a pornographic case. I must have found the wrong one. All right, we'll see. And Chris, our producer, Chris Denman, who's pulled his face out of his QAnon app, just wrote this joke. When he finishes, he says, adjourned. That's good. Not case closed?

Case closed. Yeah. This might be a minority opinion, but I just came. Yeah, yeah. And she goes, I'm dissenting from that. Here's a guy named Mark Herring

in Bethpage, Tennessee who was involved in a swatting incident, which is when it's the act of calling 911 to report a fake crime. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sadly, this is popular, right? It's like, you know what? Don't do that. Just go back to the usual, which is you order 30 pizzas to be delivered to your neighbor,

and then you peek through the blinds? Right. Right. Right. Or you send subscriptions to every, you go to the library and you get all the, every magazine has a little sign up, the coupon in the middle of it. Yeah. And you peel those out and you sign up your neighbor

for 50 different magazines. That's fun. Yeah. But swatting, it was organized by Discord in an attempt to intimidate Herring into handing over his valuable at Tennessee Twitter handle. So it was all about trying to get his Twitter handle, which, by the way, I looked up. I did a lot of research for this week.

You sure did. And yeah, thank you. You put a lot of these stories in here. Yeah. I had one of those weeks. I was handling my business this week. And he has 17 followers and has never tweeted anything. And he gave his life for the handle like they must have asked him for it.

And in true Tennessee form, he went, y'all go fuck yourself. I'm keeping my aunt Tennessee. So anyway, somebody called the police department and the neighbors called him, his neighbors, and said there's police everywhere. They think a man has killed a woman and he's on your property. You better take cover. So the guy goes inside. He gets his own gun, sees the cops. They say, put your hands up.

So he tosses the gun away, puts his hand up, and then has a massive heart attack and dies. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't find Sex and the City this week. Did you find Sex and the City when we watched it? That's how she would cover this story. So the person who called it in was some underage kid from England was involved.

Yeah, I'm seeing that UK thing. What the hell does he want with that handle? So there's a $250,000 fine and five years in prison for the perpetrator. Wow. Well, I have a feeling he's going to be sued for a lot more than that. By the way, if anybody wants at Greg Fitz Show on Twitter, I've got about 90,000 followers I'll sell you.

Or at Gibbons Time, there's very few followers. I don't even know why I chose that name. I know my name was taken. You think I want a Greg Fitz Show? I like Greg Fitz show. I'm going to look up how many followers you have on Twitter right now. Or Greg Fitz's how.

That's how I've always read it. Greg Fitz's how. Yeah, follow me on Instagram. I don't really do Twitter much. No. But at Gibbons time. Let's see if we can get those numbers up. Oh, you want to know what's weird. I don't know if it's because my numbers are. So I've had, apparently I give

off like a big hair vibes down there because someone like from some ball smoothing company, uh, DM me like I'd be a perfect partner. You know how you get those things? And then I joked about that. And then out of nowhere, and I don't think it's because they're a sponsor, and I won't say the company, but a rather well-known grooming, downstairs grooming company sent me a whole kit. No, no, jackass.

They reached out to us and they said, yeah, they love you and they want to be a sponsor on the show. And so I sent them to our agent who set it up. And we are now going to be doing ads for Manscaped. And they sent us kits. Well, let's not do an ad for them now. They didn't pay for Manscaped. And they sent us kits. Well, let's not do an ad for them now. They didn't pay for it. But yeah, I got it. Yeah.

Okay. So you have 3,000 followers. I have 88,000 followers. I don't think I'm up to 3,000. Almost. Really? 2,700. Does it say that?

I think so. No. Yeah. I that? I think so. No. Yeah. I think it's much lower. Maybe. I don't know. Join. Follow me.

I'll make it interesting. I'll feel pressure. And I'll show you my manscaping. What? All right. Let's get to entertainment. Let's do it. Talking. We talked about it the last few weeks,

and there has been so much clamor on our... By the way, if you also want to email us, you can at fitzdogradio at gmail.com. And people have chimed in on the John lyrics. Yeah.

Nobody disagrees. Yeah. Before we get there, I'd say the lead story for me in entertainment, other than the McCartney documentary, which we already covered, but one little story about McCartney, just to give you a taste of what it's going to be about.

No spoiler, very early on, one of the first songs, it's Rick Rubin, legendary music producer, Beastie Boys. And big Trump supporter. That can't be true. Absolutely, 100% true. I know somebody hung out with him recently named Tom O'Neill and said he's a big Trump supporter. Rick Rubin.

Yep. Trump supporter. Rick Rubin. Yep. The. I so badly want to extend the benefit of the doubt that I'm like, is it because he's so Zen that nothing matters and maybe that'll wipe humans off the face of the earth faster if you support that guy, that that could be the end around on this. I am. That doesn't make any sense to me. Yep. He's kind of an alt-right guy. I, I can't, I, I'm not believing that. I think this is like your Kokomo fucking fact, facts in quotes, your alternative set of facts. Anyway, genius music producer, regardless. And, uh, there's, they, it's, it's this simple, man, it's black and white. They're in a studio and they're in front of a mixing board and they will isolate tracks and talk about Beatles songs. And if you're like me, you're saying, I don't know if I'm into that. I

can't imagine learning something new about a Beatles song. Well, that is all you do. It's incredible. And they begin with all my love. And I mean, I'm like, and I was like, that's where you're starting. And sure enough, man, I never noticed how John Lennon was playing guitar in that song. And even McCartney's like, like, look at him just going like that, like really rapid fire on his guitar. And even McCartney's like, you try doing that for three minutes. Like it was such a difficult, and this is on what I would consider one of their most basic songs ever. Right.

And there was an interesting, creative, alternative choice that was made. And they do it constantly. Yeah. It's amazing. Well, you know, in Ringo, people make fun of Ringo Starr as a drummer he was actually a very elegant drummer he did really interesting um unconventional things on the drums he wasn't fast he wasn't loud he didn't hit the he didn't even hit the bass very much he just was he did a lot of interesting fill uh there's a very great one I won't spoil it but

it's about come together and i think ringo plays an you know an integral part in that and uh and also it's mccartney saving john lennon from um from plagiarism also uh with that song so uh what's that he saved him from plagiarism oh big time yeah there was no way mccartney was letting it on the album. The song that John Lennon brought into the studio that morning. It was a it was an incredibly blatant rip off. And that's all I'll say. You should watch it. All right. All right. And what they did with it to move it away from the I guess what you could call the source material. from the, I guess what you could call the source material. Chris Denman just threw in the document, there's an article suggesting, totally a rumor, that Rubin is responsible for Kanye getting into Trump. Okay, that's different. You're working with a full-blown lunatic and maybe something he said about being independent-minded or I don't know. I just can't believe Rick Rubin.

That's so weird. Even without judgment, it just doesn't line up. Like if you're profiling someone, the things I know about Rick Rubin don't line up to that, good or bad. Well, sometimes real creative free thinkers don't do things that make sense. I mean, look at all the directors that have, you know, married their Asian stepdaughters. Like people do weird shit when they're that creative. It is concerning that producer Chris does have a poster Rick Rubin up. Yeah. Yeah. So that might maybe it is. I don't think I think Chris is purposely trying not to out him right now because he's sensing we're not along for the ride. Yeah.

All right. This goddamn, are we going to go into Bernie Taupin for a minute? Let's do it. Holy shit. So the premise, I don't know if you listened last week, is I firmly believe Bernie Taupin is the luckiest man who's ever been in show business of any kind. He is a crap writer. It's he might as well have written for family circus. And then he sends it to this crazy, like, like almost like so genius, a little like Brian Wilson, that he is special. It's like this special needs genius.

He might as well, like in olden times, he would have had him in a cage and he just would have fed him this material. And this fucking jukebox of a human being would shit out the most gorgeous, memorable tunes for the ages. And so when you go in and read the lyrics that he would send him, and we did a lot last week, but like, maybe this should be the challenge. Any of you listeners out there find someone, maybe there's someone musical that, you know, that has even marginal talent or whatever, find lyrics to an Elton John song that they don't know

and tell them to take a few stabs, just loosely, at finding a tune for them and see what they come up with. And I'm going to guarantee you it's going to be shit because it's like an unsolvable Rubik's Cube or an unsolvable Sudoku that this fucking genius solves somehow you watch that video that i sent you of he was on stage there was like a q a going on with an audience and somebody said

they dared him to write a song based on some lyrics that the guy was going to provide to elton john and elton john goes well what are the lyrics? And the guy hands him his owner's manual for, what was it, for a refrigerator or something? An oven. For an oven. And Elton John sat at the piano and read word for word, or sang word for word from the manual. And you could tell it was new.

Like, he was stumbling. He was like, what part should I? And he nailed it. He fucking killed it. I mean, literally at the end, you were like, this is an amazing song. Okay. This guy, and it's so weird to call it a piece of shit, but he scribbles down a piece of shit and he calls it goodbye. Yellow brick road. Again, it, it feels weird calling that a piece of shit because of what Elton did with it. But he's like, first of all, the other thing is, hey, this the most flamboyant motherfucker possibly on planet Earth at that point, who's wearing duck outfits and giant costumes and is incredibly flamboyantly gay and is fucking doing like loves cocaine

loves drugs yeah I'm gonna send him a song about going back to his fucking plow on a farm it's almost like or how about me and Susie had so much fun was it Susie? was that who you were having fun with?

not Sean so goodbye yellow brick road we're the dogs of society hell you can't plant me in your penthouse Is that who you were having fun with? Not Sean. So goodbye, Yellow Big Road. We're the dogs of society howl. You can't plant me in your penthouse. Meanwhile, Ellen John gets these lyrics. She's like, I want to be in a penthouse. That's where I am. I'm reading this in a penthouse right now.

Yeah. I grew up in a shitty house. Yeah, with a little naked Asian guy lighting off firecrackers. Out of his ass. You can't plant me in a penthouse. I'm going back to my plow back to the howling old owl in the woods hunting the horny back toad he's sending this to elton john yeah it's great okay and then even tiny dancer. And also, what kind of mixed metaphor do you go from this pastoral farmland fantasy into the Wizard of Oz?

They don't even make sense together. No, they don't make sense. No, of course, none of it makes sense. And then, like, Tiny Dancer. And again, it's so hard to separate it from what Elton did with it. But, like, Jesus freaks out in the street, handing tickets. And keep in mind,

imagine reading this for the first time. Jesus freaks out in the street, handing tickets out for God. Turning back, she just laughs. The boulevard's not that bad. It's like, I'd call Bernie. I'm like, Bernie, you have the boulevard's not that bad.

You know, like, you know, Dylan's all over the radio right now. Like with real lyrics, like poetry, like not that bad. Is that what we want to go to? Yeah, right. And he's like, you know, Dylan's all over the radio right now, like with real lyrics, like poetry, like not that bad. Is that what we want to go to? And he's like, oh no, but keep reading Elton. But oh, how it feels so real lying here with no one near only you. And you can hear me when I say softly, slowly. And then it's like, hold me closer, tiny dancer count that. But you give it to this guy. And it's like, i can't even read it without hearing that build like only you and you can hear me when i say softly like it's fucking angelic it's literally angelic what he did to this scribble yeah yeah it's scribble that's a little bit

pedophilic isn't it who when i think of a dancer, I think of a little girl at a dance recital. And then it's lay me down in sheets of linen. You had a busy day today. Yeah. This little child. Right. Okay. How about leave on? Maybe that's a good song for people because this is such a piece. Leave on. I'm going to read for leaveon, comma, Levon likes his money. He makes a lot, they say.

Which, by the way, I've always felt like, was this an anti-Semitic song? Is he kind of shitting on a Jewish archetype here? It's so confusing because the huge rumor was that leave on helm was the inspiration oh okay then there's a line which honestly is turned into such great music but um he was born a pauper to a pawn on christmas day when the new york times said God is dead and the war has begun, Alvin Toastig has a son today. So I looked that up. I'm like, that's the most bizarre thing ever. So what meaning is behind that? Because you just made, that's like a challenge. Elton, to his friends, Bernie's probably sitting there like licking the envelope. I put the words Alvin Toastig in the lyrics.

Let's see if Elton calls back furious again when he opens this. And no, he puts it in what becomes a fucking amazing song. Alvin Toastig means nothing. He just saw the name somewhere or heard it. The reference has nothing. It doesn't mean anything.

It's not a real person. Yeah, but didn't you just throw praise on the Beatles for using Sgt. Pepper's based on salt and pepper? Yeah, but it did mean something because now that's the name of their band. Alvin Toastig, it means nothing

to this song. He didn't use Alvin Toastig as anything. Also, Alvin Toastig, it's not exactly as lyrical as Sgt. Pepper's. Yeah, right. Okay, so Funeral for a Friend, yours, Bernie Taupin wrote the lyrics in two and a half weeks, and Elton John composed the music in three days.

And it's mostly music. Okay. Yeah. The roses in the window box have tilted to one side. Everything about this house was born to grow and die. I mean, again, it's an eighth grade poem at best. And then it's like, oh, it doesn't seem a year ago to this very day. And then it continues.

Just you said, I'm sorry, honey. If I don't change the pace, I can't face another day. And this fucking genius is like, you said I'm sorry. You know, like that part of the song is magic. Yeah. You said, I'm sorry, honey. I can't sing. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. You said, I'm sorry, honey. I can't sing. I'm so sorry. But it it gets elevated into it's it's it's honestly like divine. I'm not even divine. That song feels like when when singer songwriters describe hearing something coming down through them, a higher power or a transcendence or a connection to the universe. That song, he is clearly filled with something when he created that song well just to interrupt this fucking dribble like oh it doesn't seem a year ago to his very day you said i'm sorry honey if it don't if it don't change the pace i can't face another day and this fucking guy comes like, you said, I'm sorry, honey. Like it's a fucking massive breakdown in the song and it gets hard and he's smashing that piano. And it's, it's honestly inexplicable. Like it, I, you just can't, if you saw this on a piece of paper being sent Elton John, it's just abuse. It's abusive.

Yeah. Well, it's a challenge. I mean, I think maybe that's what Elton liked is it was such a challenge to take this garbage and maybe he just, you know, like the way the costumes were silly and superfluous, I think maybe he looked at the lyrics the same way. So I'm done for this week.

I'll definitely do this again next week. The one thing I'll just say, like, candle in the wind, here lyrics the same way. So I'm done for this week. I'll definitely do this again next week. One thing I'll just say, like, Candle in the Wind, here was the best part. I don't even have the lyrics written down here, but Candle in the Wind. So you're like, all right, maybe that song is a little more poetic, right? And to call her a candle in the wind, you know, that's a pretty good image. You know, and I don't know if Shakespeare or whatever. I then look it up and Bernie Taupin saw something about Janis Joplin where she was described as a candle in the wind. Oh, wow. And I was like, that's it. You're fucking, your rewards should be revoked.

Your money should go to fucking charity that teaches people how to really write. Are you fucking kidding me? You took it and applied it to another woman? Someone else's line? Yeah. Unbelievable. If it makes you feel better, here's the lines to Jefferson Airplanes, or Jefferson Starships.

Oh, God. We built this city. Say you don't know me or recognize my face. Say you don't care who goes to that kind of place. Knee deep in hoopla, sinking in your fight. Too many runaways eating up the night. Marconi plays the Mamba. Listen to the radio.

Don't you remember? We built this city. We built this city on rock and roll. I'll break down more Elton John. And if anyone ever wants... I'm going to introduce Billy Joel lyrics next week because he's a guy that Billy Joel is capable of writing. Always a woman.

Oh, please don't even get me started. I mean, he can write songs that are so Italian restaurants. He's from an Italian restaurant. Songs that are so, like we said, transcendent and then also produce fucking garbage. And he was a drunk. so I excuse some of it. No, I think he's a drunk because every time he put out a song, he's like, it's so Bob Dylan light. All right, just allow me.

I can't hear another person talk about always a woman to me. You know, all the she can ruin your faith with her casual lies. You know, she's a liar, but she, but she tells the truth. And then of course she hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me, right? Child woman, 1977, go fuck yourself. 1966, just like a woman, Bob Dylan. And she aches like a woman, but she breaks just like a little girl. So you're probably getting shit-faced in Montauk and driving into trees because you're like, oh, my God, why didn't someone tell me? I ripped off his thing and downgraded it into fucking dribble.

That's why I think. Wow, you just ruined that song for me. I never thought of that connection before. Oh, my God. She makes love just like a woman. Yes, you know, she takes like a woman. But she breaks just like a little girl. It's been done and better, 10 times better.

Yeah. Oh, my God. No, don't, please. Billy Joel is an eighth grader trying to do Bob Dylan. Right. And all the Chuck Berry and Jerry Lee Lewis, all the songs about teenage girls who are women. And by the way, this is a fun thing. We can invite, we have a lot, clearly we have a lot of musical

listeners sending all the songs. Listen, I hate to admit it, Led Zeppelin, man, their lyrics do not live up to their music either. Never mind the more than 10 blatant plagiarism where they settled because it was so blatant.

But it's also, hey, did you hear the fucking lick that this genius lick machine Jimmy Page came up with? And you're going to send him another piece of paper referencing The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings? Right, right, right. Another one? You have that covered. Pete Townsend shits on Led Zeppelin. He says that they were Jimmy Page. He goes, he's like,

Led Zeppelin starts and ends with Jimmy Page. John, no, no, the three, right. Listen, I don't agree with that. I love Robert Pattinson. I don't agree with that at all. I love Zeppelin. I think every one of them is masterful. But this is what Pete Townsend said,

and he did talk about how bad the lyrics were. They're amazing. I kind of wish, and Plant has owned it a little bit. He's been a little sheepish about even Stairway to Heaven and stuff. But I just wish maybe he had a little help, not from Bernie Taupin, but I wish Plant had a little help writing lyrics because, I mean, I will never, ever trade in Plant for I mean, the way that guy howls is so carnal.

You listen to how many more times I lose my fucking shit during that song. Yeah. And and I mean, the bass, you know, whatever you call it, the rhythm section, I guess, the bass and drums is fucking amazing. Yeah. So anyway, but I'm sure there's a lot of songs where it's like, you'd be surprised how shitty the lyrics are. And you've been singing it your whole life. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But the song's just amazing. Right. All right. You know what else is amazing? Florida. Florida, man. Let me tell you a little something about Florida. For the second consecutive week, they're on a streak, a hot streak.

For the second consecutive week, one in five of all U.S. coronavirus cases occurred in Florida. One in five. Wow. And it's front page news how many cases are in America right now? So the argument against vaccines, I wanted to talk about this. So the argument against vaccines, right? It's like choice, personal liberty, you're infringing and all that. But OK, so I get that, right? I get that. And I get that instinct to say that and all that. And if you're doing that, fine. But you're also especially if you're vocal against the science and you're questioning it, like if they're effective and all that stuff.

Fine. But why don't you bet your own money that that's where I come in? Like, for instance, I believe I could have this wrong, but I believe the motorcycle law, which there isn't one in Florida, but the motorcycle helmet law, I believe that came about because those accidents were costing other people money. These were uninsured people sometimes. And even if you're insured, the amount of care, it was a huge drain on the insurance companies, which are trying to run a private business. So how about this for all the unvaccinated? And on emergency rooms, people come in and they don't have insurance and they fucking split their head open.

Taxpayer pays for the emergency room. Right. So, well, I mean, if they're insured, I guess they pay some of it. But again, it's really hitting the other people in that insurance company who are wearing a helmet or not driving a motorcycle or whatever. So how about this? If you're unvaccinated, God bless you because you're you're putting a lot of money on God also. Wait, go back to Florida for a second. So what's the law with the helmets in Florida? Oh, everyone drives around Florida without a helmet. There's no law. OK, but I'm just bringing up in general, like, for instance, I don't like to wear a seatbelt. Right. Just like I don't like to wear a mask. Yeah. But in other words, now they're getting furious when there's a mask mandate.

Well, what about the seatbelt mandate and why does that exist? Yeah. And it's like the it's like the motorcycle homes. So anyway, here's the bottom line. How about this, you fuckers who are unvaccinated? I take back fuckers. If you want to go that route, God bless. How about that? Fine.

But you're responsible for you if you get it. Right. Doctors will treat you, but you have to pay for it. Wait, why should the doctors even treat them they don't believe in science doctors are science now you don't get the doctors now you don't get to reject them when they want to put a needle in your arm and then take them on once you get a fucking debilitating expensive uh disease but i'm even going that far in other words like they they probably let's take let's take devil's advocate. Let's take the side of an unvaccinated person.

They probably looked at the maybe they've looked at the data. Let's again benefit of the doubt. And they see it's such a slim chance that they're going to wind up in the hospital. Right. So they've done that. They're looking at the flu. They're looking influenza. They're looking at other maybe pandemics.

And they're going to decide to take that chance. Well, if you lose, how about you can go to the hospital and all that stuff. You have to pay for the respirator. Yeah. You have to pay for everything. Because insurance, by the way, does not cover most extreme sports. I looked that up. They're also called adventure sports and like bungee jumping, skydiving, whitewater rafting.

So if you're going to do risky behavior, insurance doesn't always have your back. That's not a guarantee. Not only that, if you kill yourself, your life insurance policy does not pay off. You know, they changed that. Oh, they did? Yeah, because now they say death of a salesman kind of doesn't make sense, that story point anymore, where, spoiler alert, but where he has to hide that he took his own life. So his family gets benefits. Yeah. I wonder why they changed that. So anyway, Florida's killing it. But I don't know. Do I have this wrong? I'd welcome an intelligent letter written to me.

Yeah. Send in your letters, anti-vaers we're we're willing to have a discussion but right now i don't see a lot of fucking you know it's like jump in get become part of this country that you wear a flag on your fucking jacket for and that you swear it means everything to you is is part of being in a country is collectively behaving in a way that's good for the common good, not just for you as an individual. So be an American and get vaccinated and protect the people around you. It's not just about you. Oh, wait, we got a little quote here from Chris Denman.

Yeah. Florida has motorcycle helmet laws. You must wear a helmet if you're under the age of 21. Even if you're over 21, you must still wear a helmet if you don't carry at least $10,000 in medical coverage in case of an accident. This is proving my point. Right. How about that? How about, you know what?

Don't get vaccinated unless you have very, very good medical coverage. How about that? Yeah. That's a law. That's already being abided by, by even Floridians generally. Right. All right, let's get to some,

let's see, which one should we do? Let's skip that. Let's skip, let's skip, let's skip. Let's go to sports. Oh. Tokyo. Obviously, big story, Olympics. Oh, great.

My daughter's just walked in, and now you're going to have me read this story. Tokyo, just a day before the opening ceremony of the delayed Tokyo Summer Olympics, organizers of the Games dismissed Kentaro Kobayashi, the creative director of the ceremony, after video footage emerged of him making fun of the Holocaust in a comedic act in the 90s. Oh, 90s stand up. Geez, I might have done some of that in the 90s, too. I better not run the Olympics. You know, I, of course, got immediately. So apparently he used the phrase, let's play Holocaust.

OK, but and then they found that he had used the phrase ridiculing the historic tragedy. But this is I actually. So I tried to find what he said because it was referred to in many different ways. Also, he's shown in the bit cutting up paper figures of human beings while talking about coming up with a, quote, let's massacre Jewish people game in the skit. Now, hold on. What if he is a really good improv comedy actor or stand-up? And what if this was he was playing someone incredibly sinister and evil? Right. In other words, can't you so easily see this being taken out of context? Yeah.

Although I have to say it probably wasn't because all he did was apologize and he didn't fight back. Well, what about the producers was made in the 1990s, right? Or the 80s and springtime for Hitler. Right. Like out of context. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But this is my favorite part.

This has been in a string of disclosures, dismissals and apologies in Japan regarding these Olympics from the former president of the organizing committee, Yashuri Mori, complaining that he felt, quote, women talk too much at meetings. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. suggesting a plus-size woman appear dressed as an Olymp pig to its music producer and being exposed for bullying classmates with disabilities. And then in years past, such comments in Japan may have been shrugged off. Deputy Prime Minister Taro Aso praised Hitler in what year? 2017. And two years later,

blamed the country's low birth rate on women. Based on all of the fucking endangered species that are killed so that Japanese men can get erections, I might put the blame on men for the low birth rate. They seem to be having erection problems in Japan.

And stop eating fucking shark fin soup to get a heart on. It's not enough shark fin soup. That's the problem. Or rhino horns. Right. They're not getting enough of them. That's what they should be blamed. Blame the rhinos.

Blame the sharks. Yeah. And by the way, I think we as Americans have a responsibility to shame this guy for minimizing the killing of innocent women and children during World War Two. Unless you use nuclear bombs, in which case, yeah, whatever. No harm. We carve out a little exception. Yeah. Tiny little exception for hydrogen bombs. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. How I wonder how I was thinking about this this morning. I don't know if I know any Japanese people well enough to ask them this,

but like how is the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki? How is that taught in Japan? How is that taught in Japan? What's the what's the viewpoint on that? Was it the American imperialist power committed genocide on us or is it we had an administration that was a little fucking crazy and they weren't going to stop until they cost the world hundreds of thousands of more lives? Yeah, no surrender. Yeah. I don't know. A lot of ink has been spilled on it, but I have to lead with I don't know. I'm sure history has changed its mind about it probably a few times. There must have been alternative measures. I mean, there had to have been. Yeah.

I mean, it's obvious. I mean, whether it's have been. Yeah. I mean, it's obvious there. I mean, whether it's you just surround the island and I mean, would they have starved to death instead of surrendering? I have no idea. Yeah. On paper, they would have. That was the idea. There was literally no surrender. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, it's it's a rough one. I was in Missouri at, oh boy, am I going to get some corrections on this one. Harry S. Truman has a museum in Missouri, and there's a monument to the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In what way? Like glorifying it at his museum.

So Robert E. Lee on his horse has to be taken down, but that's not taken down? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. It's a very philosophical... I had a professor

at NYU, it was graduate school where you actually talked about fascinating things on like undergrad. And I mean, some undergrad, of course, but generally you could always find these amazing classes. So anyway, the guy was like, what do you think are the, I forgot how he phrased it. What do you think are the, I forgot how he phrased it. It was Neil Postman, but he's like, what do you think are the, will be the most lasting or what was the biggest things, he did not use that word, of the 20th century? Yeah. And the computer, the invention of the plane, AIDS, the invention of the car, you know, and one of the many people feel were their droppings of those bombs, because the dropping of those bombs was the first time the human species said, holy shit, we have the power to wipe us out. Yeah.

to wipe us out. Yeah. And very much backed off, well, backed off of it in that it has not happened again. It is amazing it hasn't happened again. But a lot of development, obviously. I mean, when you think about in the late 60s and the 70s,

how much paranoia, not paranoia, a legitimate concern that there would be another nuclear holocaust, like that it hasn't happened. What are the odds that it hasn't happened again? I know.

Well, that's how terrified we got, you know. In 80 years. Right. I mean, D-Day. Well, getting back to that list, what would you put on that list? Disco? Wait, what's the list again? Rogaine.

What's the biggest thing that happened in the 20th century? Oh, 9-11. Development, occurrence, 9-11 in 2001? What did you say? Wait, did you say 9-11? Yeah. That wasn't in the 20th century. Oh.

Oh, no, no, but you're right. I know you knew it was coming and didn't tell anybody. Yeah. Well, I told the Jews so they could get out of the building. Someone had to. Yeah.

You also told them how to remote control airplanes into it. The biggest things in the 20th century. Lakers. Lakers. I mean, the amount of assassinations that took place between the two Kennedys and Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Well, that's very American.

Yeah. I mean, all right, let's give it some more thought. How about viewers send in some stuff? There's obviously a lot of funny jokes that could be made, and unfunny ones, but, you know. Abortion? No, again. I know. Again, I think that way predates the 20th century.

Oh, it does. Oh, yeah. Are you kidding? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Eighteen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's probably Romans probably did it. It's probably I mean, even even older. I'm sure I would say, you know, there's there's technology, you know, technology could be an umbrella like the TV phone, how they've changed us as human beings like that. That will be a very lasting effect. You know, postman like to say, you know, technology has changed us and it's very hard not to have judgment. Like if you ran into an ancient Greek student, you'd both call each other an idiot. You'd call him an idiot because he can't read or write. And he'd call you an idiot because you can't memorize the Odyssey. Right.

And that's all because of one thing. The pencil, basically, or movable type, whatever you wanted to call it. But it's type. It's then print. Print, I guess, would be the answer. So there's things like that, that a lot of big thinkers are like, sure, there's the atom bombs, but you have no idea what visual media has done to, it's changing our brains as we speak. Right. Right. And changing us as human beings. So landing on the moon, By the way, the exact anniversary of that is today.

Is it man first on the moon today? No, I think it was on the 20th. Was it? It says right here this week, July 20th is 52 years to the day after Armstrong and Aldrin stepped onto the moon. You're right. Sorry. They came back today. They landed in the ocean today. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think their wives said, what time do you land? Tell my wife I love her very much. She knows. All right. Another sports story. Or Rocket Man. Oh, God. Sorry, kids. It's too cold out here sports story. Or Rocket Man. Oh, God.

Sorry, kids. It's too cold out here. I'm a Rocket Man. Cleveland has selected Guardians as its new team name. The Cleveland Guardians. The Cleveland Guardians, which is named after some statues. I don't even understand what it's based on. I'm remembering what my roommate Tom Kelly wrote me this week.

I can't find it, though, but I'll get to that in a minute. Yes, I think there's statues on a bridge is what he wrote. But go ahead. It pays homage to the guardians of traffic statues near Progressive Field in Cleveland. Guardians of Traffic Statues Near Progressive Field in Cleveland. And the mayor said that he hopes the name Guardians helps unify our fans and city. Huh. Against women and Asian drivers.

Wait. I didn't write that. Chris Denman wrote that. I said it. Wait a minute. It was a joke he wrote. He didn't mean it. Well, he meant it. I didn't mean it. Apparently, if I'm recalling what my Tom Kelly, very, very much a son of Cleveland. His dad was a Cleveland police officer.

He said those statues, which they're celebrating, are on a bridge. That's the most popular place to kill yourself in Cleveland. Which apparently many, many people do. Number one reason, Cleveland. Well, do you think that the Indians are relieved about not being objectified and stereotyped? Or are they just glad to not be associated with Cleveland any longer? I love that. Remember that guy got all up in my face about all the cliches he wrote in,

saying I just use one cliche after the other. But I'm just going to sneak one more in. When people do kill themselves jumping off that bridge, it's not the impact. It's that they fall into water that's on fire. And listen, I fucking love Cleveland. These are just simple. There you go. Old timey jokes. But one of my favorite clubs of the country is Hilarity's in Cleveland. I just talked to Dave Attell last night. He was just there last week and

was raving about it. It is a fun city. It's got a big personality. Great hat stores. I always buy new hats when I go to Cleveland. They need a laugh. Those people need a laugh. Maybe that's why it's so good. No, it's great. All right. I have to... Oh, yeah.

All right. Start talking. Can Chris chime in? Can we hear his audio talk about this UFC fight? Not after the first week. The first week, we had Chris on and uh people listened to our podcast they said we couldn't hear your producer he muted his own voice all right so and so we banned him for life from the show after that so the ufc all right he goes he wants us to use their

system yeah we tried their system once and it didn't fucking work. Is he talking about the system in St. Louis? Two and a half hours. The only system in St. Louis is oppression. So Corey Sandhagen, Hagen, is fighting UFC Saturday. So this guy's my, I don't know anything about the UFC, but he is my favorite fighter. I guess he was on a podcast. He might have been Theo Vaughn. I don't know. He was on a comedy podcast, and I'm watching it, and it was such a slow burn.

I'm like, wait a minute. This guy's really funny, intelligent, dry, also thin. And I'm like, wait, did he just say he's a UFC fighter? And twice I had to question that cause he seemed like the least UFC fighter ever. He, and, and I followed him on Instagram and I'm telling you, dude, this guy is Zen. He lives in Colorado. It's all about walks in the snow with his dogs. Really funny, like memes that he like, you know, he puts on that he finds. And there's no like I don't think I'll bet on him because my whole suspicion is this guy.

I guess he has a switch he flips to all of a sudden I'm an animal in a cage, but I can't see it. But I have seen some of his highlights and the dude can fight. And by the way, he's a young guy, really thin, unusually tall, I guess, for his weight class and, you know, and his, and his, and his job, but he'll like put on motivation. And it's like these esoteric quotes from Muhammad Ali. And it's about respecting your opponent. And it's about, it's never about, it's never trash talk. It's always about like doing better, reaching in. Okay, what is he writing?

Sand Hagen, 220, he's a favorite. So he's a favorite to win tonight. Big favorite, 225, wow. I don't even know what that means. If you bet 100, you win 225? I think so, yeah. Okay. But you know, there don't even know what that means. If you bet 100, you win 225. I think so. Yeah. OK. But, you know, there's a lot of fighters that like, you know, Mike Tyson's like that. Mike Tyson is a very kind of like spiritual, peaceful being.

Yes. However, he will rape you and make you his bitch. And he says so. And he says so. he says so at a weigh-in yeah yeah and that and that was to a journalist yeah and he will rape him so well the guy will fall in love with him is that what he said yes he did wow yes yeah but that's showmanship. As a person, he's got pigeons. He has his own collection of pigeons. And below the roof where he had the pigeons, first had the pigeons in Brooklyn, friends would call him to rob their mothers, who they knew had money in their pocketbook, and he'd go do it. Look, we all had crazy times.

You grew up in Tarrytown. I don't have to tell you those stories. All right, wait, my battery is at 3%. You want to read the Bezos story? All right, I'm going to go to science. All right, you go to science, and I'm getting a charger from my computer. Okay. So, as we just said, 52 years ago, Armstrong and Aldrin walked on the moon.

So, 52 years later, former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and four passengers spent 11 minutes in the air, three of them more than 62 miles above the Earth where many scientists say space starts. I wonder if this is a sign. Like, I wonder if this, like, I guess you go through the atmosphere. You have to burn through the atmosphere. For those three minutes, they were weightless. And then the pilotless spaceship returned to Earth.

Pilotless? What the fuck is that all about? It's just like his packages being delivered they they're gonna have driverless delivery trucks and now he's got driverless space i had no idea with him was his brother yeah mark 82 year old wally funk who uh plays bass in a ska band in Cincinnati. No. Sounds like it. Wally Funk, a woman.

Wally Funk is a woman? No. You put this in here. I wrote it. I didn't change anything. His brother, Mark, 82-year-old Wally Funk. Oh, maybe you're right. A woman trained to be an astronaut in the 1960s, but was never permitted to go to space. Maybe that's why she became a man.

Maybe that's why she became a man. And 18-year-old Oliver Damon from the Netherlands, whose father paid something under $28 million for the seat. This was like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, and that was Augustus Gloop. It's totally that. He's going to get sucked up the chocolate machine on this rocket. I want a rocket daddy or whatever her name was.

I want a new balloon and I want it now. Yeah. Oh my God. Bezos' goal, he says, is not simply to launch space tourism but also to spread humans to other planets in order to grow beyond the resource limits on Earth. So basically, he hasn't made enough money. He wants a bigger base of customers than he can get on Earth. The solar system can easily support a trillion humans, he said.

Yeah, didn't you hear that? And he's like, and if we're all in space, we would have a thousand Einsteins and a thousand Mozarts. I'd love to hear what Einstein would say about that math. First of all, it's very insulting. Secondly, it's like, yeah, there were certain conditions that led, like, would I be picked on again? We would also have thousands of Bernie Taupins.

And we'd have thousands of, you know. No, no, billions. Billions of Bernie Taupins. They're a dime a dozen. There's already a billion Bernie Taupins. Yeah. No discernible talent. I am Bernie Taupin.

I could write lyrics that bad. Honestly, why wasn't I born and run into Elton John and be like, can I send you stuff to put to music? Right. I have bad poems. Yeah. I can't let it go. All right. Okay.

Also in science. Well, it's Mozart. It's like Mozart. It's like he said it himself. A thousand Mozarts. In business. Let's go to business news. OK. Mike owes me a hundred dollars from the contest.

By the way, next week in science, I do want to follow up on that story where they are, quote, making it rain. Let's do that next week. OK. brain. Let's do that next week. Okay. Yes. So I, yes, I owe you $100. It hurts me to pay it because I know I'm going to win this bet in the long run, but okay. All right. You want to read Turkey Hill? Turkey Hill, a major ice cream manufacturer, asked 4,000 of its local, sorry, social media followers their favorite ice cream flavors. They share the results of its survey with Reader's Digest. So I have somewhere on this computer the top 10 from this survey. And this is all brands, all brands of ice cream? They just asked,

brands all brands of ice cream they just asked what are your favorite flavor ice creams okay i'm gonna give you my top 10 okay i'm gonna write the uh rocky road how about this just go one at a time go ahead all right rocky road nope butter pecan yep it's number three. Mint chocolate chip. Number one. Cookie, whatever, cookie batter or chocolate chip cookie dough or whatever it is. Number seven. You're doing well. Strawberry. No. Chocolate chocolate chip.

chocolate chocolate chip I am thinking that chocolate chip cookie dough might satisfy that but I guess not so no um uh what other flavors are there? Pistachio? No. Vanilla? No. That's the point. Okay. What else? What did I miss? Chocolate? I didn't say chocolate. Nope. Not on here. Oh, it's not on there. Then that was kind of the reason I clipped it. Vanilla, strawberry and chocolate are not on the list.

That's insane. I know. And especially something that's going in reader's digest where other than jello in the hospital, that's all these people are enjoying. That's right. Probably vanilla ice cream. I think because when people are quizzed, they want to come up with something interesting.

So they don't say the obvious ones. Well, number five is black raspberry. What? Followed by number six, which is black cherry. What the hell? Cookies and cream is in here. That sense i guess butter pecan though you guessed that early i love butter pecan one of my favorite flavors if you had told me butter pecan was number three i would have been like well i know what number eight is rum raisin but it's not even in

the list you know what's fucking great is the uh the stephen colbert flavor of ben and jerry's the Stephen Colbert flavor of Ben and Jerry's. It's literally like Heath bar caramel. It's like everything all thrown into ice cream. There's also the Fallon, the Jimmy Fallon one. Yeah. Is that good?

It's pretty great. Although it, it, there's a lot of fake laughs in it. No, but it is a very good flavor. Actually, they sell it in my bodega. And so we've gotten it.

So anyway. All right, good segment, Mike. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun guessing ice cream. You're a great producer. Aw. All right, what do we got? This day in history. They landed in the ocean after being on the moon.

Go ahead. This day in history, in 1978, the world's first test tube baby was born. Ooh. Her name was Louise Joy Brown, and she was born in vitro in Manchester, England. She came out C-section, and she weighed 5 pounds, 12 ounces. Wow. So not only did the penis not go in the vagina, the baby didn't come out of the vagina. The vagina is completely intact on this British woman.

Huh. You know, I worked with a producer on James Corden, the executive producer there, Ben Winston, who's now the producer of the Grammys. And, you know, a good friend. And anyway, his dad is knighted.

And I believe he was on this team because he's knighted for developing in vitro fertilization. Huh. Yes. So I bet Winston would be a name of one of the doctors, I'm guessing, that you would see when this is talked about. It's pretty amazing. I mean, that might be one of the breakthroughs that you would have on your list is in vitro fertilization.

I mean, it's allowed a lot of people to have babies that couldn't otherwise. I wonder if like anti-vax, I bet a lot of anti-vaxxers are probably against playing God like this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can do it in space and you can make a thousand Einsteins. Right.

So 1977. Wow, that's... It won't be Lonely Island Space much longer. It's no place to raise your kids if you did. All right, let's get to some letters. I should have more jokes about that, but I didn't really look at this day in history. I didn't either. I mean, we could have had so many funny test-do baby jokes.

I know. By the way, it is funny that these scientists develop this in vitro fertilization. So scientists are now working with fertility doctors and these hospitals. And so the public hears this and they're like, huh, test tube baby. Yeah, right. That's what we do. Right, right. That's the level. These doctors are like, wait, wait, no, no, we never use that phrase.

It's like, no, no, that's what it is, test tube baby. Do you want maybe a Bunsen burner baby? That's the best we're going to give you. Yeah, that's hilarious. Let's do some news. I have some letters. We're going to start the news now. We got a good thing going. We don't need to some news. I have some letters. We're going to start the news now. We had a good thing going.

We don't need to do news. Can you tell my Ritalin from this morning is wearing out right now? It might be. We have a woman named Joanne who seems to have a crush on us. Now, one of us is single and one of us is not. I think we come as a package, though. All right. Three-way with Joanne Next week

Matthew Troncholetti who writes in a lot Says New York Concrete jungle where dreams are made of That's a Jay-Z lyric And then Touching down in New England town Feel the heat coming down

Big old Jedi outliner. I guess he's throwing us bad lyrics. Maybe he's saying Bernie is not alone. But the Concrete Jungle one does seem incredibly stupid. Yeah. New York, where

dreams are made of, that makes no sense. It makes no sense. It's bad. It's not, it's not grammatically correct, which if I'm going to listen to rap, I want it to be grammatical. It's also, all right,

here's what I want. Someone don't all write me. I'm probably wrong. Please hear that first. My daughter's never hear the first thing I say, which is, you know, a real qualifier and they fucking don't hear it.

But I'm probably wrong. Is Jay-Z's not overrated? That's my question. I believe Jay-Z is overrated. And. It's easy because we're older. And. So is Beyonce.

Good night. Thanks for listening to Sunday Papers. Have a good week. You just called Beyonce overrated? That is correct. Well, this podcast is over because there goes as if half the listeners are women. I wouldn't go that far. I mean, she's so rated.

Maybe I get your point. But, like, okay, take Empire State of Mind. Take Empire State of Mind. Is his talking over a really great hook and over a really good singer? Is him talking adding a lot to that song? No. He's the hype man. And I know he can float or whatever it's called,

and I know it's unbelievable off the top of his, you know, like even Rick Rubin talked about Rick Rubin produced 99 problems. Like, and I know it's unbelievable how much he can retain without anything written down. And then he, and then he just, and then he, whatever the phrase is now for like laying that down and just wrapping, but, uh, flowing, whatever could not sound more old and white. But I don't know, man. Sometimes I'm like, I got you. First of all, 99 Problems was Ice-T's song.

He took that from Ice-T. I wouldn't go that far, you think? Ice-T talked about it on the Howard Stern show this week. He said he wrote the song 99 Problems and a bitch ain't one. And he had he changed the lyrics up. But the hook and the idea and all that is and the melody is the same as Ice-T's. Who does Jay-Z think he is? Led Zeppelin? Right. Stealing from black men. stealing from black men um so yeah i don't know i would just say that uh a lot of times i'm like uh you rhyming a bunch of fancy white uh products labels um is not really doing it for i don't know i think there's a really good song here and and it's on other beyonce songs too i think even like is does he

rap over put a ring on it or he there's some famous beyonce song where i'm like that detracts from the song yeah i don't know it's sunny and share right in i'm open mind share all over again i think i'm wrong and i want to know and i want to know why I'm wrong I I do and it's not a challenge educate me I I know he's great I I don't think that I I honestly don't think that can be disputed probably but I I need to know why go ahead um all right this one comes from well we'll skip this we've talked enough about Elton John. Oh, he took the title, 99 Problems and a Bitch A1, but he did take that from Ice-T. What's the shame

is he backed off of that when he was being called out and he said he was talking about police dogs. The word bitch. Yeah. That's lame. Skip this. All right, obituaries. Bernie Taupin didn't write that.

And that's all, folks. This week, we just missed last week. Our episode came out the same day that Biz Marquis died, and so we want to give him an honorable mention for dying. Oh, man, he was fun. What so much fun. So talented. And, you know, he had that one song i think big mouth uses one of his songs in their in their show um by the way have you seen

every episode of big mouth no and i i i've seen season one fucking amazing amazing. I know. Amazing. They're like joke machines. Yeah. Joke machines. It is just layer after layer. They don't stop. And the characters are all completely unique and interesting. And they nail that time of puberty in a comedic way like nobody's ever done before. It's it's amazing. I remember you had him on your podcast, and it wasn't out yet. And he sent you one of the episodes. Yep, and he sent you one of the episodes, and you raved about it.

To me, not because you had to. You raved about it to me, yeah. Now, I also, the voice actors are so funny in real life. I, as a show producer, I'm really wondering how much is punched up. You know what I mean? How much they might add to it. How much is that script, that final draft of the script that then is produced, I wonder how much of that makes it on air.

Maybe it's all of it. I don't know. then is produced. I wonder how much of that makes it on air. Maybe it's all of it. I don't know. I'd like to think that Mulaney adds to it. You know what I mean?

But I might be wrong. There's no doubt that, what's her name? Maya Rudolph. Yeah. There's no doubt that she is riffing a lot on that. And Jason Matsoukas is fucking amazing. Oh, wow. Good.

He's the guy that plays the... I think he plays a few characters, but he plays the hormone monster for the boy. They had a little controversy. That is Mantzoukas? Really? I think so. That's not Kroll? No, I think it's Mantzoukas. I think so that's not kroll no i think it's manzoukas i don't know enough about it anyway there was some controversy because there was a female uh uh who doing doing the voiceover

was it jenny slate uh one of them is half jewish and the character on the show was half Jewish, half black. But this woman wasn't half black. She was only half Jewish. And so she apologized and stepped down and gave the roll away to somebody else who was black. What I get what I can't say anything. Right. I guess I guess. No, don't say anything. Shush, shush, shush. anything, right? I guess. No, don't say anything. Shush, shush, shush. Yeah. I mean, imagine a rabbit has to do that's a nice false equivalency.

That's what, if I was a broadcaster on Fox News, so a rabbit has to do Bugs Bunny? And so I guess Mickey Mouse should be played maybe the mouse should be changed to a white mouse? Yeah. Ellen Kellett should be played by a real blind woman, right?

Get all outraged. Actually going to read the script. Hey, look at that. Kroll plays the hormone monster. Nailed it. Oh, there you go. Manzoukas plays the bi teen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's great. Uh-oh. But is Nanzukus bi? Trouble. The other, this week's, the fresher death, the more recent death, is Robbie Steinhardt, who was the violinist and co-lead singer for the classic rock band Kansas.

And they had the, and obviously the violin most well-known for dust in the wind, the most depressing song in musical history. And dust in the wind and original lyric. There's unlike Bernie Taupin who steals wind lyrics. They did not. That's right. So he, you know, he left the band, as they do, in 1983,

and he returned in 97, I'm guessing broke, and toured with the band for several years before stepping aside again in 2006. And he said, quote, Dust is a pleasure to play because the crowds get off on it so much. It helps me a whole lot in my performance. I need feedback from the crowd for me to perform to the best of my ability. Yeah. What kind of feedback are you getting? People fucking staring at their shoes and questioning everything in life. Does that help you play violin better? Come on.

It's a swaying sea of lighters, or I guess phones now, and everybody's like a nostalgia overload. Yeah. All right. We got to cheer up after the obituaries. So what do we do? We do the funnies.

Sunday funnies. All right. Oh, boy. The lock horns are at it again. Leroy is sitting out in a lounge chair reading the paper, and he's in a bathing suit. Doesn't look good. Loretta comes out, and she fucking hates him and she goes

come inside leroy we're getting complaints we're getting complaints from google earth she got him but he gets her right back at dinner that night they're sitting there and he's eating and he goes this is truly a meal fit for a king stephen king he fucking this couple eats her right back magic what magic let's do a little uh our favorite rapist hager the horrible yeah he is so the the guys are storming a castle, and they've got a plank up there, and they've got their swords out, and there's a full battle brewing over the tower of the castle. And Hager says to his friend, I've never seen a crew more eager and motivated to raid. And his friend goes, they all have student loan debt. So I guess these guys were in college? Do you think they were in college. Do you,

do you think they were in a fraternity? Do you think there was any date rape happening at that college? Probably more than the Vikings did. Right, right. It was training. That was part of their college training. He minored in holding a woman down.

And by the way, she was a minor. Yeah, of course. So you put Family Circus in here. I've never seen it. Somebody sent it in. Somebody sent in this smorgasbord of Family Circus cartoons in one strip. All right, so I'm just going to... I've never seen it like this. There seem to be

I'll just read the first one. Is that there's there's one, two, three. These are called Dolly isms. So these are all like focusing on Dolly. They're highlighting Dolly. Dolly says the darndest things, I imagine. Right. Well, they're Dolly isms. OK, here we go. as things, I imagine, right? Well, they're dollyisms. Okay, here we go. The little kid, the blonde kid, is at the door,

and he's like, hurry up, we're ready to leave. And then she's tying her shoes, and she has her foot up on a stool, and she goes, wait till I fasten my feet belts. Well, I guess it's not a lace. I guess it's a buckle.

Well, there's no telling. Now, as she's lacing up, she's pretty mentally slow, way delayed behind her physical ability to tie shoes to say something that's stupid. Yeah. Okay. There's a lot of these. Let's move on. I split my fingers. physical ability to tie shoes to say something that's stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's a lot of these. Let's move on. I split my finger.

She's running in, and there she's crying, and her hand smarts, I believe, because you see a star, like as Jeff's trying to indicate to us, it's throbbing, I guess. Yeah. trying to indicate to us it's throbbing, I guess. Yeah. So she yells, I split my fingernail all the way down to the wick. Well, it's like a candle. Her finger's like a candle.

No. No, and also the wick is the very top of a candle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. It doesn't make sense at all. It doesn't make sense at all. It doesn't make sense. God, am I not getting it or there's nothing to get? I think the next one's very strong. Okay, she's holding up a hose and she's unscrewed the nozzle.

And she is saying, this hose lost its nostril. So I see what he did there. He took a word that doesn't sound that close to nostril. Right. And he changed it to nostril. He made a giant leap, which he's asking you to come along with him on. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's a dollyism. That's a dollyism right there.

Then there's another one. We get this paper. Okay, so the kids are at the door. I start reading it before. The kids are at the door, the blonde-haired boy and then a little boy in diapers. And then they open the front door and she's walking in in her pajamas with the newspaper. And she goes, we get this paper every day because we have a prescription to it. That old chestnut.

Isn't it subscription? You're right. And it's it's often confused and has been commented on about a bazillion times. Yeah. Yeah. Like, are these subscription sunglasses? Yeah. But boy, is that a prescription for pain when they open it up to the funny section?

Okay. The next one is the kid is with dolly bill and that i guess and then they're eating watermelon uh rather uh vigorously and uh she because it's dollyism says to him they're called pits because when you find one in your mouth, you pit it out. So that's Dolly is making a straight up joke. She has formed, created and delivered a joke. You're giving her a lot of credit. How was that not an equally bad joke that when you when you find one in your mouth, it's the pits.

Yeah. No? I don't even know the energy at this point. I get it. This is worse than the obituary. Yeah, that was tough. All right, I know how we're going to come back. All right.

We're going to do a little bit of Blondie. I love it. And here's one. Oh, my God, does this one make my blood boil oh boy dagwood is sitting on a chair reading a newspaper and they're in their usual position where she's faced 90 degrees away from him which is exactly where she should be she shouldn't even be in this fucking house or this relationship so he says to her we need to watch our spending she turns over her shoulder and she goes by we you mean me and he goes i knew you'd understand

all right here's what you need to understand dagwood this fucking goddess shit first of all you should be making more so she can spend more so she doesn't have to watch her spending. And second of all, you should watch your fucking, your career. You should watch your spending.

She should spend whatever the fuck she wants. She should buy Oriental rugs. She should have Oriental maids working for her. I think rugs is still okay. I don't know applying it to humans, but okay. But I mean, what is this? The 1940s? I knew you'd understand.

And he looks back at his paper like you've been put in your place. No, her place is on a fucking pedestal. And you're not understanding this relationship. Even the dog woke up. Yeah. The dog's eyes opened on that last frame. He went wide on that passive-aggressive shit. He's like, oh, did he just say that?

Yeah. Oh, it says, oh, no, he didn't. The dog says that. I like that. That should be in there. All right, Mike, so listen, I'm going to be traveling a lot for the next month. All right. And I'm going to be traveling in August for this job. So let's talk about it. Let's talk shop. Let's talk shop. Well, first of all, yeah. So I'll be in Rutherford, New Jersey. If anybody wants to come see me tell my new jokes.

Very excited to be at Bananas in Rutherford, New Jersey, August 6th and 7th. And then two weeks later, August 19th through 21, Grand Rapids, Michigan, at Dr. Grin's. The week after that, August 20th. Wait, hold on. There's a club called Dr. Grin's? There's a club called Uncle Ha Ha's. There's a club called Uncle Ha Ha's. There's a club called Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey. There's a club called Yuck Yucks all over Canada.

So there's no dentist in this town that already scooped up the name Dr. Grin? Apparently not. Or he's getting a lot of people showing up asking for chicken wings and blue drinks. I will be there. And then the following week, the 26th through the 28th of August, I will be in Golden, Colorado. Then in September, Sacramento Punchline.

Go to FitzDawg.com to get your tickets. Come out and say hi. Support live comedy. All right. Let's break this down. All right, next week is the weekend of the 31st. You're going to Texas during this week? I will be home by Thursday, so I'm around for that.

All right, I think I am too. And then when is Sacramento? September 16th through 18th. So we're going to be doing a show. I think I'm back. I think I'm back from the East Coast then. Yeah. Oh, good.

Tickets are not yet on sale for Sacramento for the podcast. The show tickets are, but we're going to do a podcast, I think, Saturday afternoon. So we'll announce that soon. An afternoon. So we'll announce that soon. An afternoon in, okay, maybe it'll be so, well, first of all, I'm assuming all of Sacramento will be on fire by then. So maybe people will come in for the AC and the two drinks?

Yeah, and by then to get a little COVID variant going. Yeah, all right, it's all going to come together. I like it, I like it. It's two variant going. Yeah. All right. It's all going to come together. I like it. I like it. It's a two variant minimum. Mike, we're going to talk about your new job in the next couple of weeks once you're, I don't know why you're not talking about it, but I think it's an exciting job. Yeah. I don't know.

Just because it's very new and we're, you know. Yeah. But Jimmy Fallon's been on the air for so many years. Oh, shit. Oh, why did you do that? Yeah, no, we'll talk about it next week. Sure, and what else? You know, I saw a news story this week about...

Did you see, like, someone went to the hospital because he masturbated too much? No. So let's do that next week. And you know what else we should talk about? We should talk about Eric Clapton. He's famous for saying really stupid stuff. And now he's very much, I don't know if you can call him an anti-vaxxer, but he refuses to play to any audience.

And I know he was very critical. Anyway, we'll talk about him next week. He's losing a lot of fans. All right. Good tease. We got some teasers for next week. We're going to talk more about the Paul McCartney documentary.

And also we're going to talk about the fact that I watched Sideways with my son and wife. I'd seen it before. I remembered it being great. I didn't remember being as great as it is. One of the best American movies ever fucking made. All right. I got to watch that again. Yeah.

Watch that again. Paul Giamatti and I forget the other guy's name. Is there a lot of sex scenes? Something church. Not really. There there a lot of sex scenes? Not really. There's a mild one. Because I watch with the daughters, but they always ask.

No, no, no. It's totally cool. No, no. They want more. They like watching sex. And then, oh, I can't believe I didn't talk about it. We'll talk about it next week. Did you see the Jackass movie trailer?

No. I've never been so excited. It's been a long time since I've been this excited to see a movie. Let's go see it in the theaters. Yes. And then the girls and I watched Jackass 3 and fucking died laughing. Jackass 3 is fucking amazing. 3D.

I know, which you can't get. But I wonder, we have VR. I wonder if you can watch it in 3D. VR is different. But anyway, okay, man. All right. Thank you to Midcoast Media, all the fine people that work over there, Key and Chris Denman and Beth Hoops.

And we'll see you guys next week. A to page. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy. I'm a cat man. And you listen to Sunday people. Read all about it. I'm a cat man.

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