Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 74 8/1/21

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

As each country reinforces stereotypes about themselves in Tokyo, we throw Billy Joel under the bus for his lyrics (Bernie Taupin gets the week off). Lot of tears shed for ScarJo and it’s Greg and Erin’s anniversary!  

I went so long without it, now I wanna read all about it We've only reached corrections, suddenly I have an erection Fought that family circus, Jeff King is a jerk off The guys, they keep it honest, when will Mike come out of the closet? Sunday papers Sunday papers And Greg's going to scream in three, two... Read all about it!

There it is! Read all about it! There it is! Read all about it! International News Japan under quarantine. No crowds, but a lot of scandals back here. Will Scarge, don't get the money.

She fucking earned. Read all about it. I don't even... All right. I'll listen, even though I didn't hear that. I didn't really get it. Well, the drivers waiting

at the Lincoln Tunnel, they heard it. The little newsy boy was standing there with a fucking armful of papers. Echoing, bouncing off the canyons. Canyon walls in New York City. Got it. In New York City. Right? There's a stare.

He made that name a song. That's how brilliant he is. Hey, we're going to talk, I guess, maybe not a little bit about Elton John. Eric Clapton, we promised to talk about later in the show. I think we're moving my ire at Bernie Taupin getting so much credit to Billy Joel's songwriting. Billy Joel will absorb all of the hate this week. songwriting. Billy Joe will absorb all of the hate this week. And I'm going to read

an Andy Kindler routine that he's famous for because he deserves that credit and his exact words when he breaks down the song Piano Man. Top five songs about New York City. You're asking me? Obviously New York, New

York by Frank Sinatra. Uh-huh. If you take out Jay-Z, I would say, what is it, Empire? Yeah. Then you got, what Lou Reed song or Velvet Underground song? What is it? Waiting for the Man, which is about a drug deal. Yeah. I mean, Walk on the Wild Side has really good New York images. There's a lot of great New York songs. That's interesting.

Let's give it a thought. Let's give it a think. Let's give it a think, people. Send us your suggestions. FitzDogRadio at gmail.com, and we'll read them. Best New York City songs. I would say... Does Tom Waits have one? I would say...

Some Girls? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, that's a great one. Not Emotional Rescue. Well... Yeah. I think it's Shattered. Take a bite of the Big Apple. Don't mind the maggots.

Yeah. Yeah. I got Rolling Stones tickets, by the way. What? Yes. Where's the heads up? And no, they were so expensive. Is anyone else having this?

I am telling you, Ticketmaster, not resale. Over $500. Shut the fuck up. Per ticket. Fuck the Stones. Fuck them and their old dirty assholes. Over $600 with charges. And I'm not on the floor. That's total bullshit.

You know what? At this point, they don't need the money. They need the legacy. They should be doing concerts. They should do a tour. It's not them. I honestly don't need the money. They need the legacy. They should be doing concerts. They should do a tour. It's not them. I honestly don't think it's them. I think it was demand.

So, by the way, I was so confused. I didn't even see the price. I would have never paid that. Also, 10 rows above it or like 5 rows above it was $200 less or something. I'm just in a regular section. Nothing fancy. But they were all disappearing, the blue dots. I'm on a pre-sale fucking Ticketmaster like a junkie,

and I'm just trying to catch four dots in a row, and they're all disappearing. And I locked in, and all of a sudden, I'm not even kidding you. It's like, yeah, your bill will be over $2,000. I'm like, what? That's insane. That's fucking crazy. Yep.

I wouldn't pay that. Thanks for inviting me, but I wouldn't pay that. Well, so listen, I thought they limited you to four. They limited you to eight. I eventually got two, but I was trying to grab four. And then two disappeared. So I had two. Then I went and I got a row of four.

Long way of saying, I then, in my box, I thought I deleted both of the other ones because now I'm up to fucking $4,000. And I deleted one. So I have one. In my section, I have one ticket. And maybe we can add to it.

I'm not going to pay $500 to see the Rolling Stones. No, you're going to give me $600. The only... The only person I would pay that kind of money for is Springsteen on Broadway. You don't think manscaping is going to

fucking line your pockets once we read this ad today? Oh, your pubes are going to be so clean and fresh. That'll pay for your ticket. Ball lotion. We're going to hit it all. By the way, you should be congratulating me today. Congratulations on your smooth genitalia.

Better than that. Happy, happy anniversary. Thank you so much. 22 years today. You were my best man. Being in the car with you, yes. Yep. I remember, and I'd say I was under a lot of pressure that day as your best man, because almost everyone felt you would arrive late.

Yeah. And it was my job to drive you to the church. Yes. Get you to the church on time. And we got to the church on time, and it was, I believe, 101 degrees out that day. It was more the humidity. It was humid as shit, and it was like a 2 o'clock wedding. And it was in this church that was an old stone church from like the 1800s.

And so it was like a brick oven pizza. The thing just fucking held all the heat in. There was no windows. And so we're standing on the altar. And we're, speaking of me getting there on time, we're waiting for Aaron. It starts. That old dude. Everybody turns around.

Which, by the way, is Wagner, who was a huge Nazi sympathizer. Is that Wagner? Yeah. There go the Jews. Into the ovens. Oh, well, you didn't have to. And so her family's Jewish, so I was shocked that they okayed that song. But hey, they're Jewish.

Well, don't forget your father-in-law, not a huge fan of the Jews. Not a huge fan of the Jews. Well, not a huge fan of the state of Israel. We'll leave it at that. We'll leave it at that. That's right. No, no, that's a very, very huge distinction. That's true.

Yeah. All right. So we turn around and what? So we're waiting and fucking two verses go by three verse go by and she's not there and we're like did she meanwhile she was julia roberts assistant at the time and the film that they had just made was runaway bride and so everybody starts joking about that where the fuck is she i got sweat pouring down my face as soon as the song starts my tears start rolling down my face because i'm a crier you are a crier and i just kept and i just kept crying and waiting

and then eventually i guess her father was supposed to have been the one to go tell her to get she was sitting in the air-conditioned limo so she didn't sweat too much and then he went and got her and she had a broken foot so then it it took her even longer. Well, because she was also grabbing the door handles as they were trying to pull her into the church. So her foot got mangled. Yeah. She tried jumping off that cliff. That didn't work. Can you imagine marrying a comedian? What kind of an idiot? That's the only thing I don't respect about her. No, man, you're solid in other ways. You're also anti-comedian. You're atypically,

whatever. We'll see my grasp of the English language. Someone nailed me pretty well on a letter to the editor about my bad vocabulary. So anyway, you have these qualities, though, that you are not a narcissist, which is exceedingly rare in comedy. That's funny you say that. I was talking to my therapist yesterday about that. I used to be afraid that I was a narcissist because I think when I was first starting off in my career, it was so all about me, which I think is what your 20s should be. You really should just be focusing on career and figuring out who you are. You should go to therapy. You should fucking put 100% into your career.

And I was really afraid of that. And so then I've gone out of my way to sublimate all narcissistic impulses. And I think that that has hurt my career, but helped me as a person. And it's a trade-off that I've made. All right. So I know I talk about the show Dave a lot. Dave is an open book, the guy in the show. And I think one of the big issues in his life is narcissism and he deals with it in the show. And that argument that he had with his girlfriend where he, it was great because

they both had such amazing points, but it really was her time to shine. She was giving a speech at her sister's wedding, coincidentally, what we're talking about. So anyway, she's giving a toast at the wedding and it's very, and she needs a lot of help. And he though is in the middle of signing with a label for the very first time. And it's huge pressure and the texts and calls are coming in. Anyway, long story short, one of the things he says was about narcissism. Like, yeah, yes, no, I have to focus on it. He's like, she's like, this is my shot. This is it. And if I don't put a hundred percent towards this for the rest of my life, I'll know I didn't put a hundred percent. I didn't take my swings at the plate. Right. And, and it was so interesting.

And then this season, did you see the one with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? I haven't seen this season yet. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is interviewing him. I'm really not giving anything away, but he, he, he, he said one of his biggest fears is like that he's like a narcissist. And he goes. But at the same time, like I, I get letters, he goes, these are real. He goes, I get letters from kids who are like, I thought I was like marginalized. I thought I, you know, was like ugly with acne or with OCD or with, you know, all these things that Dave has that he's open about. And and it like, thank you. Or like, you know, all these things that Dave has that he's open about. And it like, thank you.

Or like, you know, it saved my life. And he goes, so I'm getting those because I'm out there because of my career. Right. And he goes, so in a weird way, I feel the most good I can do on the planet is through my work. And my work requires me to be basically the most self-centered person right now. Sure. And I thought the show missed an opportunity. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar then goes, that's the most, that's the most articulate defense of narcissism I've ever heard or something like that. Right. Yeah. But I thought a fair question to ask Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is,

did anybody come between you and basketball between 15 years old and 35 years old, or especially 15 and 30? Yeah. Was even the person you love the most on the planet number two ahead of basketball? The answer is clearly no. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, that's the age old question. If you look at people like Einstein, who basically had a child with his wife, he was working at a, you know, a patent shop. He was making no money. He was publishing nothing. He

couldn't get hired as a professor. And he sent his child away. He said, get rid of it. And the wife took the kid to the parents' house back in Austria and just fucking dropped him off. And they were, they were living in, uh, I forget where, like, uh, Vienna or something. And he abandoned his child and denied he had one for the rest of his life. Did not know that. Yeah. Now some viewers might say there's a difference between narcissism and a focus on self. That narcissism comes with a real emptiness inside and a real, real unhealthy ego. So there are differences, but I guess we're talking about just being incredibly selfish. Yeah.

John Lennon abandoned his kid. Yeah. So he could be all about peace and love and love and love and love and fucking ignore your child. I got mixed feelings about old John Lennon. Do you? I prefer Paul. I think some people are Paul people.

I know, I guess all four. I think there's quadrants of who you relate to most in the Beatles. Who were you, a John guy? Well, you know, it's very interesting you ask that because I was. I thought McCartney was goofy. You have to understand, in our formative years, he was doing complete bullshit like Ebony and Ivory. He also wrote the worst Christmas song.

And ironically, or that's probably not the right word, coincidentally, the Beach Boys, I think, have the second worst Christmas song of all time. Christmas comes each time this year. It's literally, it's the worst piece of shit ever. So anyway, and John Lennon's, I think, is one of the top five Christmas songs of all time. Yeah.

So. War is over. But my friend Chris Weinstein, who knows more about music than I think almost anyone I know, he was always like, I get it. Like you, especially in creative situations, would prefer to be the edgier John Lennon. But I got to tell you, though, the Beatles were Paul McCartney, obviously a combination and all that. But if you were to tip like which, who tipped the scales of the Beatles more, there is no debate, literally none.

And Chris had read books written by even engineers of the Beatles who were like, McCartney was this fucking fountain that wouldn't turn off of just hooks and songs and ideas. And so anyway, watch. You haven't watched this documentary yet with Rick Rubin? No, I'm going to watch it this week. It's if you're thinking you're a McCartney guy now, just wait. And by the way, he's very, he's so generous, which I know one could say is easy to do. But he's so generous with his praise of John and all this. John, Ringo, George, all of them and other bands. Yeah.

But it's so, it's so worth watching. It's so interesting. I can't even tell you. Half hour each. Yeah. So we got a note from Daniela from Holland, was wondering if you enjoyed. We had a listener sent us this unbelievable care package

from the Netherlands. It was incredible. Yeah, all kinds of desserts and treats and candies and cookies. Daniela, thank you so much. I enjoyed. I even had one last night. The last bit, it was a wafer-like cookie that had, was it caramel in it?

It wasn't chocolate. It's unbelievable. It's like a caramel. She was saying that what they do in the Netherlands is they take that and you put it on top of your hot tea to warm it, and then you eat it with the tea. I did the opposite. I broke it up, put it in ice cream. That shit becomes rock hard.

Oh, yeah? I thought I was going to chip my teeth, but it was delicious. Oh, speaking of rock hard, we're going to have an advertisement later for our friends from Blue Chew. Yeah, we are. Our song this week, we want to, of course, thank- That was incredible. John Cabrera, who is a world-class musician,

and we are fortunate enough to have him focusing his OCD on writing songs for us right now. Nice mellow one. By the way... Wait, did you want me to look up his email? You forwarded it to me? It was very well written and a little peek into the art of songs. Go ahead. I'll look it up.

And just a heads up again, I've mentioned it in the past, but a couple of people have written songs that were covers and we can't play covers. There's an algorithm that YouTube uses

and they will track and flag a song that's a cover and then we lose all, they won't play our ads. So we can't have covers. Sorry for the people that have wasted their effort in making them. But change them up a little bit.

You could still, we could still use it. Just change it up. All right. What's his name? Give me his name. I'll put it in my search. I can't find it. John Cabrera.

C-A-B-R-E-R-A. C-A-B-R-E-R-A. All right. All right. All right. Hold on. The art this week from Craig Gaudette, the boxer, John Voight. And what's the kid's name? Gun champion Ricky Schroeder.

He's a gun champion? I think he's a champion. In other words, he champions the cause of the war. Oh, got it. Okay. I believe. Maybe that changed. I's a gun champion. I think he's a champion. In other words, he champions the cause. Got it. OK. I believe maybe that change. I think if he was a better boxer, he wouldn't have to get a fucking gun. All right. Here it is from Cabrera. You ready? I'll get to the he's very nice. Says he's up. He's been working on it for a couple of weeks. I've enjoyed many a night getting, maybe I shouldn't read some of this anyway, enjoying himself and ripping guitar solos over this track.

But for some reason I just couldn't nail it down. Sometimes we spin and overwork an idea so much that we lose sight of what's important. I bet Bernie Taupin has no idea what that's like. No shit. Sadly, when all his fucking drivel, which we'll get to in a minute, fell into envelopes that got mailed to a genius. Anyway, this was definitely one of those projects that I had to take a step back and remember that sometimes less is more. And so I thought that was interesting,

like a guy who's struggling with a piece of art. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes you forget, like, what the essence of it is, you know? Anyway, great song. Great song. And some corrections. Nate Bartley said,

Shark fin soup is a Chinese thing. I may have falsely attributed that to the Japanese. Nope. Nate's wrong. Okay. Yes, yes. Chinese shark fin soup is a Chinese soup. But the Japanese, I think they may kill more sharks for their fins

than the Chinese. There you go. And their biggest plant, which I think is the biggest killer of sharks in the world, then exports a lot of the fins to China. But Japanese very much enjoy shark fin soup also. I never had it. Does Campbell's make it?

They do not. America, very against it. Do not. America, very against it. Japan's one defense, I'll say this, is in that plant or whatever it is, because it's come under a lot of scrutiny internationally. They do the buffalo thing where they claim they use every part of the shark, where so many of the shark killing operations famously get them on deck, slice the fins off, and throw the still live shark who can't swim back in the water.

There's a place in hell for people to do that. That is so fucking cruel and sick that they would do that. Let's begin with what the Chinese do to some of their own people. Why don't we begin there and then get down to sharks? Yeah.

What are they called? Uyghurs? How about the Uyghur hand soup? Down to sharks. Yeah. The, what are they called? The... Uyghurs? How about the Uyghur hand soup? That's out of control. Wait a minute. Does that give you an erection? It's, yeah, it feels like someone else is giving you, helping you with an erection because it's someone else's hand.

That, talk about going to hell. What am I doing? MC says, come on, Tennessee is a southern state. It was in the Confederacy. Okay, MC, you dumb bitch. Yes, it is in the southern region. But I don't think I'm that far off. I'm flying to Memphis.

How about this? What would you consider Chicago, Greg? That's for sure the Midwest. Memphis is west of Chicago. Interesting. Want to know another interesting thing? It's actually a good way. It's basically St. Louis.

We got St. Louis on the line. Most people square. Isn't that called the gateway to the west? Gateway to the west. Yeah. It's clearly the Midwest. And then I believe both a part of Missouri and Memphis are in the 90th longitude. So it's as far as the easternmost point of Missouri.

Like, it's further west than you think, MC. Now, where do you have room to hang that map of the U.S. in that closet? It's amazing. I got my Wheeler Walker Jr. hat on, so I know what I'm talking about in terms of that region. Yep. Yep. All righty. How is Wheeler doing?

Wheeler's doing well. I think Wheeler's going to reappear. Is he going to make some more music? His music is all over TikTok. Oh, no shit. Yeah, he has the Whip Em Out or whatever it is, the Boob song Oh, no shit. Yeah. He has the whip them out or whatever it is, the boobs song. And it's like everywhere he gets checks. Wow. Yeah. Right about boobs, man. Right. What, you know, this, did he write that song? Uh, uh, big ass titties or Big Ass Bitties? Yes.

That's his phrase? Yes. That's huge. What is it? I don't know if he coined the phrase, but... Big Ass Bitties? He put it in a song, yeah. Yeah.

Then we have somebody named Lars Eric Pearson, who attorney and counselor at law, So let's all listen up. All right. Can you ask Gibbons to enunciate a little more because he's been abusing a word that I believe I hear incorrectly. Okay. For instance,

describing the writing of one Bernie Taupin, it sounds as if he's saying dribble. I'm sure one of his intelligence and career as a goddamn comedy writer would know the word he means is drivel. Oh. Also, the dollyism down to the wick bit is a play on words because your nail bed is called the quick. Keep up the good work and tell Mikey to tighten it up.

Hey, you know who can tighten up their letters? He's got a very good point. And he's right. I did mumble it. So what I'll do, people give me credit sometimes for being thoughtful. And I guess I'm thoughtful, except my thinking is searching for a word that is out of my too. Because dribble, the noun, can be drool. And so it's kind of like he's drooling out. It's just this mess. But I was, in fairness, I think I was looking for dribble.

Yep. Yeah. And as far as the- Diarrhea, another D word would have worked. Don't forget folks very exciting month coming up for me I'm hitting the road hard

doing some stand up comedy if you want to come see me live you and uh Delta Variant are hitting the road super hard why do that

I mean I'm trying to get people out of their fucking houses I want you to go viral we're gonna lose some lives and we're gonna have some laughs bananas

cause I'm going to a club called Bananas in New Jersey. Yeah, you are. And it's August 6th through the 8th. It's in Rutherford. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, Michigan. August 19th through the 21st.

A club is called Dr. Grin's? That's correct. I think we talked about this last week. How did a dentist not grab that name? Right. For himself, not only his business. Well, how did a produce market not grab bananas?

And what about the next one? Banana, I mean, sorry, Buffalo Rose on August 26th to the 28th in Golden, Colorado, which is just outside of Denver. Hey, Michigan, take Michigan's temperature. Would they ever come watch our podcast? Because now that my daughter is going to Michigan, I would make the road trip with you. Right, right. Okay. Punchline in Sacramento, which I believe you are going to try to make uh that's september

30th through october 2nd i'm going to do shows and then we're going to squeeze in a live taping of sunday papers while i'm there you're going to fly up man oh i'm not flying i'm dry i mean that's a perfect time of year to go to yosemite. I might do that too. Look at you. What a life you live. It's unbelievable. What do you mean? I mean, you just go for it. You go to Vegas for a Rogan show and you go to Jackson Hole to go fishing and you go to- Once in a while.

I know you think I'd be happier, right? Yeah, you should be happier than you are. What's going on? Do you ever stop and look at your life? I do this all the time. And I go, there's nothing missing here. Like anybody, anybody should be happy to be happily married, have two healthy kids, live in a cool place, do what I do.

And you just go like, what the fuck are you, what are you so miserable about? I know. Look at me, man, in this closet. This is where, if you told me this is where I'd be sitting when I was in my 20s, I'd be like, oh my God, I can relax. I'm going to be in my closet losing money on a podcast. Hey, here's how we're going to make some money.

Okay. We are going to not only make money, we're going to get your hair to stop falling out. Please. It's as if I had chemo, which my mom is going through, so I don't treat that lightly. But anyway, it's whatever. I was on that drug Accutane a little bit. It has not stopped falling out. So for the first time in my life, the shampoo, I don't have to tell you this, you shampoo

your hair, like the white suds and you see your hairs in your shampoo. Yeah. It's never happened to me before. Go ahead. Well, now is the time for you to get involved with Keeps because Keeps, look, two out of three men are going to experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35. And these people, it keeps, they got two FDA approved medications that can prevent hair loss. They do both of them. So it's a cocktail and it really works. You do an online doctor consultation, which is super easy and it's virtual and they deliver

it every three months. You get your, you get your, uh, your shipment sent right to your house and there's no, there's not a picture of a bald guy on it. Nobody knows what the package is. Nobody, other than the fact that you're on a podcast telling millions of people that your hair is falling out. Nobody will know that you're doing anything about it. No, it's discreet packaging that says sex shop. So it throws them off the scent entirely. Gay sex shop. We have to treat this

ad respectfully. Okay. That was a joke. Treatments start at just $10 per month. That's it? Yeah. I'm actually not chiming in like a shill. Because I've just looked into going on Propecia or something, and nothing comes down close to that number. If you're thinking about doing this kind of hair thing, if it's right, if you're already bald like action and prevent hair loss, go to keeps.com slash papers to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's keeps.com slash papers.

Get your first month free. K-E-E-P-S dot com slash papers. There, I said it three times. I hope that helps. Yeah. Also, if you have too much hair, our next advertiser can help you deal with that. Manscaped. Got it. I got it. How's that bush between your legs, guys? It's summer. You're going out there. You're wearing fucking surfer shorts and you still got hair coming out of the bottom of your shorts.

What's going on? Wait, it's more than just dance. on? Wait, it's more than just downstairs. Well, first of all, so my daughters know I got it and they want to wear the t-shirt that says something about balls. I have a picture of it. Well, you got the performance package 4.0. Boy, did I? Yeah. Here's the thing though. I don't know if my girls maybe sneak in and use it. They they're uh they're in their late teens now i hope not because i've also i've been using it on my face so jesus yeah so um i don't know i could say a lot there but i'm resisting i think you should yeah i think you should resist saying stuff all right wait where is this so manscape then says your book here's the picture on sophie your balls will thank you oh yeah the t-shirt owen

wears it almost every day he loves the t-shirt and this new manscape uh the performance package 4.0 comes with their lawnmower 4.0 trimmer Weed Whacker for your ear and nose hair, the Crop Preserver Ball deodorant. Yeah. The Crop Reviver Toner, Performance Boxer Briefs, and a travel bag to hold your goodies. Yeah. It was impressive. And by the way, whatever, you know you read the ads on this. I don't really read the ads.

So I'm actually telling the truth. I had a nose hair trimmer thing that I got from CVS and I actually bought the most expensive one because they all suck. They all suck. They stop as soon as you get a hair and then it yanks it. Right. This one is great. And so is the trimmer.

I'll tell you why. It's because the new Lawn Mower 4.0 has a 7,000 RPM motor, a 4,000K LED spotlight, and it's waterproof. You can lay naked in the dark in your shower and groom. I don't know why you do that, but there's a headlight. You can see everything. You've got to hide, and then no one will come in if they hear the water running because you're shaving your ace hole. What? So listen. But I like that it can be at night. You have a light on it. It reminds me of those vacuum lights. I know a million comedians did bits on them. What's going on? Yeah, the mouse was running across the floor. It got frozen in the headlight. Oh yeah, I did it. Use the crop preserver ball deodorant to protect you in the heatlight. Oh, yeah, I did it. Use the Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant

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with the code PAPERS at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code PAPERS at manscaped.com. Escape the shrubs and weeds this summer and shine with Manscaped. Okay, there you go. Mike, we made some money. All right, thank God. That's all you care about.

What are we doing, news? Oh, wow, this is a dirty show. Okay. My paper is so out of crinkles. There we go. I don't even have. Extra! Extra!

We all love it! Extra! I haven't had a new paper in a while. I have to cancel my papers. Let's start off with a woman. Oh, boy. Now, sit down. Hold the kids's ears because this is some nasty shit. I don't know.

That sounds like judgment. A woman who let her dog lick peanut butter from her genitals. Well, I don't know about let him. I'm listening. I mean, if you, if, if you put it on your genitals, it's, you didn't know what the dog was going to do. Right. You didn't know what the dog was going to do.

Right. She filmed the vial act for her boyfriend, and she's been fined $500, but will be allowed to keep the pet. All right, do you know the back story of this? What? The boyfriend was being arrested for something financial. Oh. And the cops obtained his phone. Uh-huh.

And on the phone, the cops hung around this. They gravitated towards this video. Oh, shit. And then they charged her. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if that's a lot. I mean, I think she wants it to all go away because she now has been suicidal and stuff like that.

Probably because she hasn't been serviced in a while. I was going to say, leave her alone with the dog and some jiffy and I bet she'll cheer up pretty quick. It's a win-win-win, isn't it? She gets licked, the dog gets some peanut butter, the boyfriend gets the video he wants. The only loser is the guy trying to go down on her next. Good luck competing with a slobbering, motivated terrier. That is a chunky peanut butter with some left

in the crevices. So, I remember telling you, you know, Norm MacDonald's the funniest human being we know. So, it really is true. So anyway, we'd be in the writer's room and he loves being obviously contrarian, but he really likes undermining people's blind spots that they might have with their views.

So he loved when he would find out someone was very, very, very pro-animal, right? And there was some story or like it was like sex animals. He would love to point out, he's like, you're fully aware that the laws against sex with animals are to protect the humans. There's no thought. There's no thought regarding the animals, like having sex with a horse. There's zero thought like law and society about, oh, that would be bad for the animal. It's not. Well, I have a whole bit about it. It's like, you know, if you're it's illegal to jerk off your dog. But meanwhile, like who's the victim

of that crime? He's trying whenever I rub his belly, he tries to put his dick in my hand. I'm just being a good guy. The victim might be the people on the public bus with you right right those might be the victims but it means if there is a if there is a law against fucking a dog or a horse it means at some point there was a congressman that wrote up a bill which takes a lot of fucking energy and you have and you have X number of cards you can play during your time in office as a Congressman, you can put through bills to save a bridge or to set up a, a shelter for battered women or whatever it,

whatever bill you want to sponsor. Who's the guy that goes, we got to stop fucking horses. I'll tell you who that guy is. It's the guy who's fucking a horse and he can't stop himself so he has to outlaw it yep uh uh it's crazy but anyway so she was fine 500 bucks 500 bucks she was outed though and i guess she's had a rough go of it since yeah um i don't know. I think they should let the pet, the dog, decide whether or not she can keep him. But imagine the pet's taken away.

Like, you're going to look at that pet a little. So why is this one up for adoption? Oh. Oh, really? You're going to look at it a little differently. I think he's going to end up with a female owner once they hear the backstory. This motherfucker can live. The typical, you're in the kitchen opening the pantry, and the dog's just looking up with wide eyes.

And the thing is, you know what it's thinking. There's no forgetting that. Yeah, that dog goes downtown. He knows the routine. Here's another creepy story. Yeah. That dog goes downtown. He knows the routine. Here's another creepy story. Oh, lovely. A Connecticut landlord allegedly, and we always say that on Sunday Papers, sneaked into his tenant's apartment.

This is an alleged podcast. That's what we should call the podcast, the alleged podcast. Sneaked into his tenant's apartment to sniff her underwear. Jorge Orellana Arias was charged Thursday with third-degree burglary after the woman told cops she had video of him. Oh, no, Jorge. Wait, this is a crime? Uh-oh.

He was in her unoccupied apartment several times, rifling through her and her daughter's clothing. He was in her unoccupied apartment several times, rifling through her and her daughter's clothing. Now, is that considered child pornography if it's a child's underwear? Is it a harsher charge that it was a child's underwear? That's interesting. She set up the hidden cameras and saw him go into both bedrooms, and he brought the garments to his nose, apparently in an effort to sniff them.

Well, look, Jorge, the good stuff's in the laundry. He's sniffing the clean stuff. That oyster's already been shucked. Such a rookie move. Rookie move. Go to the gap. You want to sniff clean ends? Go to Victoria's Secret.

Yeah. Sniff your detergent. Right. You want that. You want that nasty. All right, Greg. All right. Find the fucking yoga pants that still have some underwear stuck into them.

Those are the ones you want to go after. All righty. All righty. All righty. Yeah. I'd say it's a great time to ask for a break in the rent. Me and Molly's like, they saw a stink of peanut butter. What the hell's going on here? She's spilling peanut butter into her underwear?

That's weird. What is up? All right. So that is our? In case you're tuning into Sunday Papers for the first time, that concludes the front page section of the newspaper. We're normally not this dirty.

We're also avoiding politics and the Delta variant, so give us a break. Let's do some entertainment news. Okay, here it comes. Oh yeah, you put this story in here i read about this well disney which is a very big company is going head to head with a very big star their decision to release black widow on disney plus at the same time it hit theaters has sparked a legal battle with Scarlett Johansson.

By the way, is there anyone hotter than Scarlett Johansson? She's a pretty attractive person. God damn, she's beautiful. Attorneys for Johansson allege that the star's contract was breached when the studio opted not to debut the film exclusively in theaters, which they say depressed ticket sales. to debut the film exclusively in theaters, which they say depressed ticket sales. So a lot of her compensation was tied to these bonuses if it hit benchmarks.

I thought they worked all this out because there's been a huge controversy when they started doing this a year ago. And didn't they work this out, how to fairly compensate someone for this? Well, she says she was promised that they wouldn't do this. didn't they work this out, how to fairly compensate someone for this? Well, she says she was promised that they wouldn't do this, and Disney did it,

and apparently their stock, because they sold the movie for $30 on their website, the stock went crazy because so many people bought the movie, but she doesn't get a taste of that stock action. Maybe they should have just given her stock options. Then she could have made her bonuses. Yeah, that's what I mean.

They should have figured this out. Yeah, so they didn't, and now she's saying— I think that's a legitimate lawsuit. Well, she was paid $20 million, and now she's saying she is owed another $50 million. Okay, then. Wah. Wah. You only got $20.

What's-his-face can keep doing weekend update at this rate. Oh, wow. Wow. You only got 20. What's his face can keep doing weekend update at this rate. Oh, yeah. I looked up I looked up his net Colin Jost. I looked up his net worth versus hers. She's at like a couple hundred million. They say he's worth eight million. There's no fucking way. How would he possibly be worth eight million if he didn't come into the equation with money his salary for weekend update is half a million a year he's been there for i don't know say wait is it that high yeah because snl is famous for paying nothing well he gets 25 grand an episode apparently and then if he does 22 episodes that's half a million and then he does

like you know a voice over here and there he's been in a couple indie movies that doesn't pay shit there's no way that guy's worth eight million dollars right they need this fucking money but if he's married i wonder if they figure that into it you think she made him sign a prenup i think it's a smart that you know our listeners, which I don't think there are any, but they view that as a personal thing where when you have two basically companies, and by the way, they're probably literally S corporations, then it's a business, it's a business transaction. It's like, Hey, before I knew you, I had $95 million because of my company called Scarlett Johansson Inc. If, if you cheat on me and, and break up with me, like you can't touch that money or no matter what happens, if we dissolve this legal, you know, entity entity that's going to become you and me, then you don't have any rights to that.

That's simple math, I think. Who cares? Who fucking cares? Who cares about these two? Just think about the amount of news stories we— You asked me, you bitch. No, I'm just saying in general. The fact that we care about this money, you know, the average Disney worker,

some fucking guy selling fudge at a booth at Disney World is making minimum wage. He's got to park his car five miles away from the park and take a fucking shuttle. And we don't worry about his wages, but we're worried about fucking Scar Joe's money. Why? This brings me back to rich people should have fun in their wills and leave it to Pete. Like, should I start a website that finds worthy causes and worthy people? And you then, if you're like, uh, want to change your will, I don't know. I have to think it through more. But I was like wondering, like, here's a list of people, like $1,000 would really move the needle.

Or God forbid, like $5,000 from your millions. Right. If you left it to this cause even, you know what I mean? Or send a kid to college. Right. Send a kid to college. Yeah. Anyway.

Because that really changes kids' lives. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Especially if they don't go into debt. Yeah. What did you watch this week? I went to the movie. No, you didn't.

Two other people in the theater. Giant landmark theater. No shit. Because I looked it up up and before I went, I'm like, I knew they were like at 40% or whatever theaters in Los Angeles are at. And, uh, and I'm like, 40% is still a little uncomfortable. Keep in mind, this was almost a week. It was early in the week. So Delta wasn't as crazy, or at least it wasn't being reported yet. I wouldn't go now, wasn't as crazy or at least it wasn't being reported yet. I wouldn't go now, but anyway,

two other people in the whole theater. I went to like the 10, I went to a 10, 10, 10 PM show and I saw the Bourdain movie and it really depressed me and not because he killed himself. Um, I really be interested to hear what you have to say about it. But he was a junkie. And it's so draining being around a junkie. And that's what you are. You're around this junkie for two hours. Is it while he's in production? They show him in production of his show?

No, but what I'm saying is he quit so he quit heroin, but, but he's still an addict. Right. And so whatever then was in his life was trying to fill this bottomless void. Yeah. And maybe because we're in the arts, we're around more people than, than usual, uh, in life, but like it also, he, he so hated himself. Right. So listen, I'm not, I'm better about it now, but I wasn't a huge fan of myself. So I think that's why it bummed me out so much. So like picture me in twenties, in my twenties in New York. And that's what they were showing. They were showing the nineties in New York and him, and he hated himself, but he had this extra layer with his self-hatred, this vanity he'd'd film himself or he'd get someone to film him like smoking cigarettes and being miserable, which was definitely a New York motif. You know what I

mean? Whether it was CBGBs, Lou Reed, you know, Patti Smith, whatever that, you know, that struggling beaten down artist thing and with the nonstop cigarettes. But, you know, that struggling, beaten down artist thing and with the nonstop cigarettes. But, you know, and he had he also had a thumb ring and I don't I don't trust any people now, including women with a thumb ring. Now, so but there's also he. So there was this vanity, which I didn't be. I think became a circle because like I my whole life, I've hated pictures of myself and hated like that. And so like he was making them, which I think just fueled this self-hatred and gave it kindling.

I don't know. Is that what led to his TV show? Did people like see those tapes and go, this guy should be on TV? Well, no, obviously his book did. His book was the biggest thing that led to the TV show. And it was really cool seeing how it started. And they had no idea, like they made this trip and they really had no idea.

And he was so self-aware. They showed, I think, his first walk and talk, like in Vietnam. And he's like, so out here in these rice paddies, obviously I'm not alone. There's a poor guy in front of me, like walking backwards, holding a camera. Like he couldn't, he couldn't resist that self-awareness, you know, out of the gate at first. But, um, I'd be very interested to hear what you, you think about it because you immediately see,

I know it's a cliche, but if you can't at least like yourself, you're not going to allow anyone to love you. Interesting. Yeah. And he didn't let anyone or anything love him, his daughter. Wow. And you're watching all of it. Dan, it was very, I'm sure there's worse that they didn't put in there, but it was pretty

damning, I have to say. I always found his show to be like, even though his show was interesting and compelling and I'm sure there's worse that they didn't put in there, but it was pretty damning. I have to say, I, I always found his show to be like, even though his show was interesting and compelling and well done, there was always a sadness about it that I found. And I, and I always was troubled by the fact that, uh,

as somebody that, you know, knows a lot of about sobriety, even though I, you know, I smoke pot, but I don't drink. And I know that if you're a junkie and you've done heroin,

you shouldn't really be drinking a lot of beer while you're traveling around the world. That's a slippery slope. And I always feel like when somebody is doing that, they're really fucking gripping tight. His sobriety can be very tenuous if you get drunk one night. And I don't want to spoil it, but things change direction in his show and in his life towards the end where I think almost everybody close to it was like, this is not going to end well.

As a viewer of this documentary, you're like, oh, my God, the writing was on the wall. Like, not hard to end well. As a viewer of this documentary, you're like, oh my God, the writing was on the wall. Like, not hard to see writing. Right. Like, it was like, oh, this is a spiral. Yeah, yeah. I saw another one that was a little sad was there's a documentary about Naomi Osaka on Netflix, I believe.

Was the sad part that she had shoes on the whole time? She didn't. She was actually getting massages, and it showed her feet. And tennis players' feet are a little tough. They're a little on the tough side. Yeah, yeah, they're mangled. It's the equivalent of basketball with the amount of, it's more than basketball, the amount of crazy pivots and on a hard surface.

But she is, she is a very complex person. She grew up, and everybody knows culturally that the mother is Japanese and the father is from Haiti, I believe. Haiti, yeah. But she grew up, and they really were like the Williams father. He had a vision that his kids were going to be tennis stars and they were put on public courses, public courts for eight hours a day, every fucking day growing up. At one point, it was like her birthday party, and she said to her mother and father, Am I doing okay? Have I accomplished as much as you had hoped I did, or have I not done enough?

She had won two Grand Slams at this point when she said that. And her voice, you just hear how constricted and passive her voice is. She's very much like a product of the driven father. And you can see why she's having a mental problem. I'm waiting for the sad part. I'm kidding. What was their answer? Well, I'm kidding. What was their what was their answer?

The mother said the mother said the right words, but you could see that, you know, she's coming into her own now. And I think that what's happening with her pulling out of the French, the French Open and Wimbledon and and getting knocked out of the Olympics in the third round. She's going through a change where she's going to own herself. She's gotten very involved with Black Lives Matter. She's become very politically aware. She's become, you know, I just wish she would. There's too much shit thrown at these young athletes. You don't need to launch a fucking jewelry line. You don't need to be a model.

You don't need to meet every fucking douchebag ad executive that's giving you money. You're already making enough. You're making enough. You don't need a hundred million dollars. You need 10 million, which means all you got to do is train, play tennis, hang out with friends, be with loved ones, keep your fucking head together. All this other shit, all this fashion and, you know, launching products, it's unnecessary and it's making them all go fucking crazy. I hear you. You know what I was looking up was speaking to which we have t-shirts available. um fear of losing anyway uh i made me think of the movie searching for bobby fisher which is a real commentary on having you know a talented child and how much you push that

and i'm gonna slaughter it i was trying to look up a quote right now but anyway i remember being like struck in the theater when I saw it. Joe Montaigne is the dad and he and the wife have gotten in a argument. What movie? Searching for Bobby Fisher. Have you never seen it? Wait, is it a documentary? No, it's a movie about it's based on a true story about this kid, this chess prodigy.

Oh, I did see that. Yeah, I saw that. Joe Montana was the dad of a very young kid who would win like, you know, in the in the public parks in New York. He'd beat all those guys and everything. And then and then he played on an international level. But I remember anyway, very briefly, there was an argument and and and both sides had good. And then the mom finally screams. So do you think every professional, every like Major League Baseball player got there because they had parents who were driving them, you know, too hard, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, yes. And it just, if you're a professional athlete on that level, it's extreme behavior.

Yeah. You are an extreme human being. You either maybe have this, I don't think God-given talent is enough. If there isn't a drive, I don't think you make it to the majors anymore. You used to. If you were some fucking unbelievably talented guy, you know, from Nebraska, like Mickey Mantle, I think he was Nebraska or Oklahoma, you know, who could just fucking all of a sudden, all of the Midwest is talking about this kid that can hit it 400 feet and

he's lightning fast and he just has all the gifts, but he's an alcoholic. I don't know. I guess Mickey Mantle's making it to the majors today, of course. But I'm just saying generally it's not enough anymore. There has to be. He was an orphan. He had nobody pushing him. And he was fat. He was a drunk. He was a whoremonger. He was a gambler. He was a fucking great guy. And I take it back. There are probably people pulling out their hair. Mickey might have had some incredible drive that I'm unaware of, by the way, which explains why he also made it that far. But anyway, it's like you said, these parents have really driven some of these, you know, it's like the great Santini, you know, like with the dad. You know, so anyway, I want to see that documentary. It's really, really good.

It's like, it's only like three or four parts. Should we get to it? We've teased it. Let's pay it off. We are transitioning. We're pivoting from Bernie's Toppin to Billy Joel this week. And I want to start you off with a couple of my favorite lyrics because Billy Joel, here's the thing about Billy Joel.

First of all, I hate that we're being haters against people that are hugely talented. As much as you might hate Bernie Taupin. I mean, there's a level of success he's achieved that we will never fucking touch. I don't hate. I don't like the optics of being the person that's hating on them. But exceptions must be made. We're having an overreaction to hopefully correct it a little bit. Yes.

Like that Bernie Taupin's in the Songwriting Hall of Fame, I think is wrong. Wow. You said it. He wrote some of the biggest songs ever, but not the music. You know what I mean. Yeah. His life has also been way too easy for what he created artistically.

Well, Billy Joel, who I believe is responsible for a half a dozen genius works of art songs. Oh, boy. Scenes from an Italian restaurant. Just the way you are. Bottle of red, bottle of white.

Yeah, it's real Poet Laureate stuff. Whatever kind of mood you're in tonight. Oh, he found a rhyme for it. That's impressive. And then he is capable of his Kokomos. You know what he was? Billy Joel was Bernie Taupin and Elton John put into one. That's probably exactly right.

He's a great piano player. He's a great performer. He knows pop music. He understands pop music. And he took Bottle of Red. You're handed Bottle of Red, Bottle of White, whatever mood you're in. You're like, is this a first draft?

But then he puts his fingers on the piano and it's Bottle of Red. All of a sudden, it's something. Well, no piano music can make this sound right. This is him trying to be a fucking common man, which is what the most annoying part is this upper middle class kid from Long Island trying to play the common man in Uptown Girl.

Uptown Girl, you know I can't afford to buy her pearls, but maybe someday when my ship comes in, she'll understand what kind of guy I've been. And then I'll win. Are you shitting me? It's literally something that if a sixth grader was given a project to write a song, that's the kind of lyrics that would come out. All right. You have a Captain Jack thing here? And then we got Captain Jack,

which is about him talking about doing heroin. Doing heroin. So you stand there on the corner in your new English clothes, and you look so polished from your hair down to your toes. Oh, you didn't go with nose. But still, your finger is going to pick your nose. There's nose. After all.

But listen to it performed, and it sounds weighty. It sounds important. It sounds moody. Okay. Someone wants to, I was going off on Billy Joel, uh, with his tonic and gin line in piano man. And someone told me, wait a minute, you've heard Kindler's bid on this. Andy Kindler. So I, I Googled Andy Kindler tonic and gin. And I actually found somehow a transcript of Andy Kindler's stand-up. By the way, reading Andy Kindler is maybe even more amazing than listening to Andy Kindler. But anyway, it's a whole set where he does tons of jokes, but he eventually gets to Billy Joel.

So I'm just going to read some of this. So Billy Joel has this song. It's his most popular song, Piano Man, but it has the worst lyrics in the history of lyrics. It says it's five o'clock on a Saturday and it just drives me nuts. He says five o'clock on a Saturday, the regular crowd shuffles in. There's a man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin. It's not a tonic and gin. It's a gin and tonic. No one orders a tonic and gin. Are you telling me you couldn't find anything to rhyme with shuffled in that you had to switch around the drink? How about this? Shuffles in brings over that bottle of gin. How about that? How do you? brings over that bottle of gin.

How about that? How do you want... Anyway, what's the matter? You had to switch Uptown Girl at four? Anyway, he goes on and on and on. It's five o'clock Saturday. I'm looking at my watch. The man sitting next to me is making love to his soda and scotch.

There are other parts of that song. I'll let it go. At one point he goes, when I wore a younger man's clothes. I don't know why you were wearing a younger man's clothes, but that should probably be a separate song. I woke up on a Saturday and I had the urge to put on a small child's shoe. And he's talking to Davey, who's still in the Navy. Well, what a fortuitous occurrence. It was that his friend Davey was in a branch of the armed services that happened to rhyme with Davey.

Hey, shmarmy, what branch of the service were you in? The Army? That's good. That'll work out nicely in my song. Hey, Shireen, what branch of the service? The Marines. Hey, Shmarmy. Oh, my God. It's so perfect. That's great. I'm doing that. I'm going to be doing that at Dr. Grin's in Grand Rapids for sure. Word for word. Oh, my God.

Literally give him credit. You know, it was like my stepbrother, Jeff Nichols, would steal a Tell's material. And, you know, you'd be confronted on it. He's like, I'm with these poor people in South Carolina. Do they want to hear my shit? Or the great Dave Mattel's material? Right, right. And I'm like, are you a cover comic?

What are you talking about? And then he'd come back and he'd see a tell and he'd be like, hey, that bit you're doing about the Amish doesn't work that well in West Palm Beach. And a tell would apologize. Sorry, Jeff. Speaking of West Palm Beach, let's do a little Florida, man. Okay. Nice transition.

God, this is a gross podcast today. All right, man. 76. Cops a plea regarding home castration. Ouch. Ouch. An elderly Florida man today copped a plea to felony charges in connection with his bloody botched castration, which is a little redundant, of a man he met on a eunuch website, a crime for which he was sentenced to three years in prison, according to court records. Following his arrest, Van Visrick, that's his name, insisted to police that besides removing his own testicle once, he had only performed one other castration. The patient was a Florida man

named Scott. As I'm reading, I'm like, why did I put in this detail? This is why. The patient was a Florida man named Scott who used the online chat handle Wannabe Dickless. Wannabe Dickless? That would work. That handle would also work on Bumble for your Bumble profile. So he promised this guy, if I recall the article. Maybe he should just marry a Jewish woman. The castrating part?

If he wants to be dickless. He promised the guy he had done a lot of them. That's why the police were interested in how many. He did remove one of his testicles. But so he got this guy, and I think it was like in a La Quinta Inn. Oh, God. And he couldn't stop the bleeding, and he said the bleeding was so profuse he couldn't see where to stitch him up.

And so 911 was – anyway, the guy lived, I believe, and then wasn't going to press charges because, you know, that's what he signed up for, I guess. But I don't know where it's at now. But he is being charged, the castrator. Well, if you're going to press charges on this guy, I mean, you could sue him. How much money do you think this guy Van Ryswyk has in the bank if he's doing castrations at a La Quinta Inn? Do you think he's a doctor? I don't believe he is.

No. Oh, no, he's not. He grew up on a farm and was exposed to castrating cattle and stuff. Oh. And also he's a hunter and he's used to prepping animals and cutting them up and all that stuff. I believe that is his experience. Well, we're all animals. I mean, that seems like he's qualified.

Well, I mean, he's more qualified, I will say this, than someone who's never done that or been exposed to it. Yes. Yeah, sure. Yes, I think he knows how to cut skin and all that stuff. But, yeah, but meanwhile in Florida, in the police station, probably not the most fascinating story of the people arrested that day. That's the crazy part of Florida.

What are you in for? Castrating a guy in La Quinta Inn? Yeah. What about you? And it's the craziest story ever. He's like, oh, La Quinta oh, my was at Motel 6. So wait, you were just trying to move his testicles? Because I wore a woman's skin in the Motel 6 right on that same street.

Yeah, right. How did you pay the guy? I stole an ATM machine from a a 7-eleven around noon yesterday oh florida all right let's go international it's the world section of the paper and um this one deals with the review that a guest wrote a scathing one-star trip advisor review of a marriott resort in mexico after witnessing a crocodile drag a fellow guest into the ocean now the reviewer praise she praised the food and staff at the marriott puerto vallarta resort and spa before describing how her traumatized friends had to save their fellow guests from the crocodile.

She also criticized the hotel's response to the attack. The resort later apologized for the, quote, unpleasant experience. Natalie, who uses the TripAdvisor name Natalie135, started the review with feedback on her room and dining options. Quote, the room was clean, although had a bit of a moldy smell. Food and staff were absolutely excellent, although I wish there were more dinner options available on site. Based on those items alone, I would have highly recommended the hotel. However, that's a big however. The only deterring factor for my not recommending to others is the fact that my group of friends rescued a young girl from a 12-foot crocodile.

The hotel responded, quote, while we are pleased to learn that our food and services were excellent. Yeah, lead with a positive. We apologize for the unpleasant experience you had during your stay with us. We're greatly concerned about this situation, and we review our plans and procedures often and work closely with the appropriate authorities on an ongoing basis. How about this? Get rid of the crocodile. And by the way, that's your mold smell. It's crocodile. It's not our rooms. We clean our rooms very thoroughly. Right, right. And they really shouldn't be playing crocodile rock, which you want to talk about bad lyrics. There it is. I remember when we were young, me and Susie had so much

fun making love and singing songs. You know, the other thing you can do. I had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own. Oh, boy. The other thing you can do is look up, like, on that amazing album, like his best album of all time, I'm forgetting the name of it, Chateau. Goodbye, Olympic Road. There's a song called Jamaican Jerk.

And Talpin just shit out this weird, and, you know, for once Elton didn't know what to do with it. And, like, so he put an island vibe on it and a Jamaican thing and it's not good so that's really interesting go listen to bad Elton John songs and you again just you feel sorry for Elton John yeah because yes that's what most people would have done with those lyrics. What can you do? He didn't hear God that day. Yeah.

He heard, here it is. When she gets up in the morning, it's enough to wake the dead. Oh, she turning on the radio and dancing on my head. It's no good living in the sun, playing guitar all day. So she's a tiny dancer too. She's dancing on my head. It's no good living in the sun, playing guitar all day. So she's a tiny dancer too. She's dancing on his head? Boogalooing with my friends in that erotic way. Come on, Jamaica.

In Jamaica all day. Dancing with your darling. Do Jamaica jerk off that way. Yeah. Jamaica jerk off. Wow. It's terrible. Yeah, that's bad.

So anyway. off. Wow. It's terrible. Yeah, that's bad. Um, um, so anyway, oh, by the way, we were talking last week that it's almost like divine when like some of those Elton John songs. And that's, uh, I've said this before, one of the best, like critical words, like when you're criticizing art that I've ever heard, but positive, like when you're praising it is, um, that they seem inevitable. And, and a lot of artists speak to that. And we were talking about it last week and, you know, Bob Dylan was asked, like, he's been asked a bazillion times, how do you write so many songs? Like how did you, and like, we're so prolific, like at that time, he's like he hates he never answers that and one time his only answer was um he didn't even talk about himself he goes uh van morrison didn't write tupelo honey van morrison heard tupelo honey yeah and that's kind of what we're talking about when it's like

divine like it really was and sometimes when it's that much and Paul McCartney talks about in the documentary that yesterday he woke up with yesterday in his head and was absolutely convinced it existed. Yeah. And asked everybody. Now, when I wrote that joke about jerking off a dog and whether it's a crime, I felt like there was something. And I'm not a big God guy, but there obviously is a bigger spirit than us, and it works through us sometimes. You're a conduit. I'm a conduit. I can't stop it. I can't stop it.

Let's do some sports. Let's do some sports. I think we all know we're going to talk about the Olympics right now. You know, the women's beach volleyball players are told that they have to have their names on their bikini bottoms, but space is limited. It's very hard. It's very hard to fit it on because the maximum side width is 10 centimeters, smaller than the size of an iPhone. That's required in gymnastics. The unitard must be of elegant design. So here's the question. Should the women have to wear this and and if if they want to fight back here's

what you do go all the way with it wear a thong and just take a nasty japanese food shit don't wipe your ass smear it and then put a thong on and then walk out there and see what they say take a giant old shark fin duker that's it it. A little sushi, a little piece of sushi, cling it on. Oh, my God. Oh, no. So what is there? So the 10 millimeter looks like it was with women's beach handball. Huh.

Like, is there a disadvantage, like rubbing the moisture off your hands? So they're limiting. I don't know what their thinking could be here. It's not. Is it truly for sex appeal, as it seems? Well, they're beautiful women. They're in good shape and they're tan. And the Olympics is losing ratings every year.

So, you know, eyeballs. I guess. They've really sexualized. There's one particular pole vaulter who is gorgeous. She's Russian or something. And they keep they've actually made an effort to produce the Olympics. So they're making an effort to not sexualize her as much because there's been so many clips that they've pulled of this cameraman following her ass as

she walks away. Oh, wow. It's pretty phenomenal. Her body is pretty phenomenal. And then when she goes up on the pole... Oh, boy. And the worst part is they make them lick the pole on the way up. That's also an Olympic requirement.

Uh... Alright. lick the pole on the way up. That's also an Olympic requirement. All right. Dirtiest podcast we've ever done. I know. We're going to get flagged. Let's switch it over to Germans to really kill the mood. A German cycling coach is being sent home from Tokyo a day after he was caught on camera making racist comments during the men's time trial.

a day after he was caught on camera making racist comments during the men's time trial. Patrick Moster, the sporting director of the team, was urging on a German rider during the races. He rode behind Emmanuel Gebregzabier of the North African country of Eritrea. Oh, boy. And Azzedine Lagab of Algeria. Most are used a racial slur that was heard on the TV broadcast. I wonder which one.

Quote, I've never really understood what was, if I've really understood what he was shouting, that was totally wrong, said the commentator. Something like this has no place in sports. But then again, it seems that it really encouraged the German rider. I mean, you got to go to the well. When you're German, use what works. Yeah. I mean, basically, the Olympics are hitting all,

they're reinforcing all racial stereotypes. The Germans are being racist. The Russians are doping. America's having mental health issues and getting high. Japanese are being pervy. Japanese are being pervy. Yeah.

Bill Maher went off on, I guess he made news today, but last night he was back after a long break and he attacked cancel culture. But he really dug in against those that we talked about last week, those Japanese firings of people who made a joke in the 90s or they said something inappropriate in a private meeting.

And it's interesting the points he made, I will say that. Yeah, it's interesting the points he made. I will say that. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, the Olympics are trying to stay so squeaky clean, but I mean, it's, uh,

it's, it's a dirty business. I mean, the fact that the Russians can't, they're supposed to be banned. Why are they in the fucking races? And they're still doping, you know,

they're, they're winning gold medals and they're still fucking doping, which is the reason why they're not allowed to be there in the first place. Allegedly. Allegedly. But Icarus, that documentary Icarus, man, where you saw a brilliant systematic doping strategy. It was incredible. You saw Icarus?

I saw it. Oh, it was. That's another documentary like the best ones in the world started out about something else and stumbled into this goldmine. Right. Right. Speaking of starting out as something else. Olympic. The Olympics first openly transgender woman. Stokes.

I said strokes. Stokes debate on fairness. When Laurel Hubbard, a 43 year old weightlifter from New Zealand, makes her first attempt in the women's heavyweight competition on Monday, she will become the first openly transgender female athlete to compete at the Olympics. Transgender women may be bigger or faster than other women. Oh, so I put this next paragraph that I just started to read in there because I thought this was interesting. So someone was talking about the issue in this article and said transgender women may be bigger or faster than other women, but rarely are those advantages overwhelming. than other women, but rarely are those advantages overwhelming.

If they were women like Hubbard would be breaking world records and winning championships, which is not the case. Hubbard, who has won some regional events, only has an outside shot at a medal in Tokyo. Keep in mind, Hubbard's 43. She's 43. She's an old lady. She is now. Well, I don't know if she's an old lady.

She's a rather new lady. She's an old new lady. That human body is 43. Yeah. But, yeah, so I put that last paragraph in there because I don't know. I think it is, you know, the article talked about all different ways to approach this. Do you have a transgender category? Kind of like you have a female category and a male category. Like what could make this fair? Because I think I don't know what I, you know, it's, it's not material that's easy to hear, but I personally do think

it can be unfair. Even if you are taking drugs to lower testosterone levels, that body was built on testosterone. Yeah. And is a different body. Is technically stronger across almost every category. Yeah, I mean, Joe Rogan's gotten a lot of heat about talking about this, but I mean, I remember he was talking about it in terms of there was a transgender fighter in MMA who fucking destroyed this other woman, Fallon Fox, Chris is writing down as the name.

And she is, I think, really hurt this other woman. And hold on, Chris is writing. Ended up losing to a, type slower, will you? Higher level woman. Okay. So she lost eventually. Higher level woman. All right.

So she did lose. But he got in trouble for talking about that. Well, you can get in trouble just by stating some facts. I'm now hesitating. I've mentioned it before. Here, I'll just say it. Chris said Joe is absolutely right. Here, I'll just say it. Chris said Joe is absolutely right. Wait, I'm sorry. Hitler

is absolutely right. Oh, and Joseph Goebbels. That's weird. We're talking about Joe Rogan. We're talking about Joe Rogan, Chris. Here, I'll just say it. There are many... This is a fact. Fact. There are many. This is a fact. Fact. There are many high school male tennis players that could destroy Serena Williams.

Oh, here you go again. It's just a fact. It's not a fact. It's a. What do you mean? You're postulating that. That's not a fact. It's true. I don't know. What do you want me to say? It absolutely would happen.

So anyway, I only bring that up because there's a disadvantage. Men's strength and skill set gives them an incredible advantage in a game like tennis and obviously basketball and things like that over women. And so and there's things that women are better at. I mean, I think that's been proven. I think it is facts that incredibly long distance running. I think women have an advantage. And again, it's because of physical attributes that skew female versus male. So anyway, women, women, long distance runners have an advantage. And again, it's because of physical attributes that skew female versus male. So anyway- Women long distance runners have an advantage?

I believe I have that right. Then why don't they win the Olympics? No, no, no. We're talking about like- Why don't they win marathons? No, no. We're talking about like 100 mile runs. Oh. Like three day run, like stuff like that. And again, I don't have all my facts in a row, but I'm trying to throw the ladies a bone here, Greg, and now you're fucking it up. So anyway, I'm just it's just that. So when it's a trans woman who might have been male for most of their life or especially through puberty, I think I think the issue becomes incredibly tricky.

Yeah. And I don't think drugs that suppress testosterone and that increase, you know, whatever. Estrogen. Estrogen. I don't think that is totally the answer sometimes. Okay. Yeah. Here's Chris writing, women may be faster than men over 100 miles. He puts it in quotes, but doesn't tell you where it's from. That's helpful.

Well, that's just because women obviously like in everything just won't let it go. That's just science. Speaking of letters, ladies, send your letters. Let's do just science. Speaking of which. Send your letters, ladies. Send your letters. Let's do some science. Should I back up and say very, very good high school tennis, male high school tennis players? Let's just say that. How about that? Male high school tennis players. Let's just say that.

How about that? A study published in Journal of Stroke and Cerebrovascular Diseases reported a 51-year-old right-handed man developed a subarconoid hemorrhage during masturbation. All right. This is what happens when I leave you to fill out the stories in this podcast. Look what you've done. What have I done? Everything fill out the stories in this podcast. Look what you've done. What have I done? Everything's about the crotch. I know. It really is today, isn't it?

Jesus. When you leave me to do it. I love how you say that. I entrust you to do this through my incredible laziness. Study authors believe his sexual activity triggered spontaneous SCAD. Prior case studies have reported that sex, including the autoerotic variety quote was the immediate preceding activity before a ruptured aneurysm in up to 14% of patients.

So 14% of the time, your uncle or your grandfather or your dear father has a fucking stroke. He was jerking off. That's what I extrapolate from that. I have to reread this. The risk of death can be self-induced stroke. Self-induced stroke, no pun intended, can be compounded by taking cocaine or Viagra before the act. can be compounded by taking cocaine or Viagra before the act.

In a 2009 study, they found frequent masturbation in young males could increase their rate, the risk of prostate cancer. But in older men, 50 years plus, it reduces the risk of prostate cancer. So jerk off if you don't want to get prostate cancer, Mike. You know, there was also another masturbation story this week, which was that it can increase your immune response, your defenses, and that masturbators active, I don't know, now I'm just making stuff up. Like an active shooter? But habitual or frequent masturbators may have a stronger immune system. Oh, interesting. Because they study blood samples on people while masturbating, I think the study said. I think they called them like brave volunteers.

Anyway, and they studied the release of certain um chemicals in the body during it never mind outside the body what was released all right if you were in your 20s and you were dating a girl and there was a study that they were doing on sexual activity and they would pay you a thousand dollars to have sex for an hour in a laboratory with four people in lab coats there, would you do it? A thousand dollars each. What's, I'm not even trying to be funny. What's the catch? Is that, is that, that wait are you you would have sex well no they'd be standing there watching you and what happens in that room stays in that room yeah unless she gets pregnant you remember how much a thousand dollars was yeah i would go to remember we got hooked up i would go to, remember we got hooked up. I would go all of those focus groups sometimes for like 30 bucks. I would go, I would take a subway, go to like some crazy building or that ad, like an ad agency. And I would do focus groups answering questions about detergent or like scotch or whatever. Ad campaigns.

campaigns. I had such bad asthma as a kid that I used to have to get shots every week. I used to go to the hospital with asthma attacks. And when I was in college, for $150, I would take a train to some hospital in Dorchester. I think it might have been UMass Dorchester and UMass Boston. And they would put me in a tank and they would induce asthma attacks. I would have an asthma attack and then they would put this tube down my throat and scrape it to get the resin to study. I did that like once a week for like six months. While jerking off? Where are you going with that tube? You guys don't mind. I brought another group of scientists who want a sample. I'm also going to get paid for that. I just figured two birds with one stone. And actually, all my heavy breathing made everybody else jerk off, too. My mouth was

already agape, so it worked out. It was easier for them to get the sample. All right. More international news, Greg, or science news. Sorry, but it happens to be international. Here's a story you came up with four weeks ago. And it's not about genitals. It's so hot in Dubai that the government is artificially creating rainstorms. Scientists in the United Arab Emirates are making it rain artificially using electrical charges from drones to manipulate the weather and force rainfall across the desert nation. Meteor, meteor, I can't read today. Meteor, how would you pronounce that?

Meteorological. Yeah, it's clunky. Meteor,. I'm just going to give up on officials. Released video footage this week. Maybe I'm having a stroke right now. Released video footage this week showing a downpour over Ras Al Khamai, I can say that, as well as several other regions. The new method is called cloud seeding, and it shows promise in helping mitigate drought conditions worldwide so making it rain in dubai usually that means you're in a fucking strip club with some princes i'm surprised there are clouds over that desert like most of the summer here there aren't clouds

above la i mean this really is the future you going to have more wealthy areas seeding clouds and grabbing the moisture out of the air before it goes to more poor areas. Oh, you don't think this is like the makings of the most gigantic backfire ever where we're playing God? Right. Where we're playing Mother Nature? Yep. I mean, already some of these fires are creating their own lightning storms. Oh, is that right? Yeah. So the fires, the smoke, I don't know how to talk about this scientifically, but the smoke is so intense that these fires are creating their own weather systems

that have produced lightning, which starts more fires. Oh, my God. Yeah. It is really the book of revelations. Except this is true. Yeah. Well. Business.

Business. Let's see. Mike owes me $100 is the headline. Is that still in there? Yeah, it's still in there. I'm going to Venmo that to you as you read this story. Okay, great. And you also apparently-

Venmo's not updated. No, let me see. Let me see. You keep reading. Go ahead. I just got a note also that Mike owes Chris $68.55. Oh, yeah, but he won't sign up for Venmo because it's big money or some fucking- Well, fuck Chris then. Sign up for Venmo. Crazy fear. As the clock runs out on a nationwide eviction ban for what's expected to be the final time, millions of tenants are staring at the prospect of losing their homes as they wait for emergency rental aid that the government has failed to deliver. The federal eviction moratorium in Wow.

Representative Cori Bush has slept outside the Capitol to protest the end of eviction freeze. I know what it's like. Well, Cori, why don't you do it in January? I didn't hear any of it. Did you just get an email telling you I paid you? Let's see. I did. Thank you very much.

There it is. And you put a little- Eggplant emoji. Eggplant emoji. That's what it was for. Cute. Don't look into it. So as somebody that has tenants, and I have not evicted them this past year-

You've been burned by tenants before. I've been burned big time by tenants before. I think that, you know, they've got to continue this. I think they've got to do it on a. I mean, think about the homeless, how bad the homeless problem is right now and how much worse it's going to get if they allow evictions. right now and how much worse it's going to get if they allow evictions. Well, I've heard stories and obviously these, I'm not defending homeowners in this case, but it does get complicated. So I have a friend who flips houses and all that stuff, but anyway,

he's in real estate and he knows a guy who's selling his house, the owners, who've had a tenant in there for a while and sold the house. But it can't close because the tenant, his tenant renter refuses to leave. Oh. And the buyers, the buyers are like, you know, what the hell? Can't you evict? No, that's the whole law. That's what this story is. You can't get them out.

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you have like a triplex and two or even three of your tenants are unable to pay for financial reasons, does the government step in and pay the mortgage for you? Yeah, so there were big announcements this week about the federal government helping states and all that. But it is a big effort to pay to avoid this turnover and all this foreclosure. Wow. But listen, it happened after the Depression. Whenever there are things like this, all these stories about how much richer the rich have gotten during this, that was the same during the depression. Because if you are able to outlast your competitors and oftentimes buy them up. with our crazy home prices, which keep going up is all these corporations. So where I live, there's an apartment in my same complex. And I was considering maybe renting that if it was less, you know, it's a similar unit to mine. And they're like, oh yeah, call this, this is the landlord.

So I call the guy, but it's an office. He, and I think I talked to him on the phone. He, and I think I talked to him on the phone, he and I think it was five other guys created a company and they have like 40 units in Santa Monica. Yep. And maybe it's an LLC I'm imagining. I didn't get that far in the conversation. No, it's happening all over the country. The Wall Street is buying up properties. Yeah. And it's causing rents to go up.

Yep. I mean, it used to be you had investments and you had housing. And now they've become the same thing. And so you've got big money getting involved and playing games with homes that people live in. Yes. And they have inside, because they know the realtor from previous purchases and all that, they have the cash already. So all these people in a competitive housing market like LA are complaining like, they didn't even open our offer. It was sold before the open house. It's like, how is this happening? And it's a, for lack of a better word, this corporate scooping up of residential homes. Yeah. Speaking of which, this day in history.

Oh. Oh. In 1981, August 1st, MTV goes on the air for the first time ever with the words, ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll. Those were the first words said. And the Buggles video killed the radio star. It was the very first music video to air. That's so great. And it was initially only available to households in parts of New Jersey, which is perfect. Because that's where the hairstyles all came from on MTV. Yep.

In the early days, they had basic music videos introduced by VJs. And they, let's see, some directors included Spike Jonze, Michael Gondry, who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Oh, yeah. Those early videos were incredible. They spent a lot of money on those. They did spend a lot of money, and they became part of the zeitgeist for sure. Well, it looked like this week in the news, the bassist from ZZ Top died. bassist from ZZ Top died. But ZZ Top,

you would not have thought that this Texas trio would give a shit, but they really boomed because of music videos. Not only that, we'll talk about them in a minute because we'll get to the obituaries. Oh, are they in there? I didn't even look.

Of course. But Duran Duran blew up from MTV initially, Michael Jackson, Madonna. Yeah. Michael Jackson and Madonna, I mean, they were in the right place at the right time in their careers, and they just went all in on music videos. Talking Heads did some great ones. Spike Jones did the Beastie Boys. They had fun with a lot of them. They were great. Yeah. And then all the big hair bands kind of

took over and ruined it for a while. You know, Poison and Def Leppard and all that shite. Twisted Sister from Long Island. Yeah. So wait, when was this? It was, how long ago? That was 1981.

I worked there from 91 to 94, I think, or 92 to 94. So this is their 40th anniversary. Yeah. Wow. I was in the building, I remember, when word spread like wildfire. Because I was on the same floor as MTV News. And we heard Kurt Cobain had died. Wow. And it was one of those, you know, there's no internet or cell phones or anything.

But I remember calling friends and was like, I was definitely the bearer of the news. So, yeah. I remember when he did Unplugged, when Nirvana did Unplugged, the rule on the show was you had to go acoustic and you had to play your own songs. And Nirvana came on and they were doing covers. They wanted to do a bunch of covers. And one of them being that David Bowie song, The... The Man Who Fell...

Yeah. They played like three or four covers and they were like, no, you can't do it. You can't come on the show and play covers. And they were like, alright, fuck you. And they were like, okay, you can play covers. And it was like the best unplug they've ever done. Yeah.

The man who sold his soul. What was it? It was great. And then Lead Belly. Was it Lead Belly's Where Did You Sleep Last Night is what they ended it with. And it was haunting. Yeah.

And then they did so much original programming. And then I hosted, as you remember, I hosted a game show. Oh, The Man Who Sold the World, right. On MTV. Oh, yes, you did. You won a Cable Ace for that. We won a Cable Ace award. And then as they picked up our second season, MTV was getting so much shit about not playing enough music videos that they canceled singled out they canceled they had

like a bunch of hit shows and hours they canceled everything and they went back for a period to just playing music videos so we got kind of fucked right me and mike dugan he created it you got it um all right let's get to the uh letters Me and Mike Dugan. He created it. You got it. All right, let's get to the letters. Zachary Young. People's haphazard use of the word literally makes me cringe to my core, but it has ramped up dramatically in recent years. My take is that when people are talking,

they get insecure that their listeners will lose interest so they feel the need to emphasize their points using this word i think he's right while you're while you yourself haven't ramped up usage greg you have been a culprit sometimes you will start the word and then carry out a drawn out multiple clause sentence leaving me to guess which part of that was literal you often use it Jesus what are you a fucking English major I know anyway he goes on to say that you that you do it

I've said it a few times accurately or in this podcast but I definitely I think we'll say that too much I agree I think we'll say that too much. I agree. All right, we'll work on that.

And I say, uh. I'm going to cut out saying, uh. I don't recall you now. Now you've ruined this listening experience for me. I'm going to hear nothing but uhs, which should be the name of the podcast. Michael Field says, I'm betting you get a few emails about the volunteer fireman stuff. Last week we teased the volunteer fireman.

We did? Oh, was that on my show? Yeah, I don't remember. I was talking about how if you're having a fire, do you want the volunteers showing up? Oh, no. That would not have happened on my watch. Okay. Why is that?

Because they're all great humans. I want them all to show up. Yeah. Right. Although our family house burned to the ground, three stories, and it was 50 volunteer firemen there. Is that true? Yeah. And they were, I think, some inebriated because they got the call, but it was during an NFL playoff game.

Uh-huh. Right. The exact time. Right. And so I don't think they were in the best shape. But there was definitely a rather infamous backdraft that almost blew the house up. Jesus. Yeah.

Anyway, he says that, I agree that no one should do that job for free. A lot of places can't support the cost of career firefighters, though. The training is basically the same, but there's definitely a stigma around those who volunteer. Most volunteers are really good people. There are a few that kind of go overboard. They are usually referred to as jolly volleys.

Those are the ones that I used cap, cap cars and deck them out with emergency lights that surely cost more than the car itself. I hate when people do that. When somebody buys like a Ford LTD and they put that, they put that like cop light on the side by the side view mirror. No, I know. They're so aggro it's crazy yeah they inflate their self importance and everything yeah somebody else some people sent in some more

stuff about the lyrics John Caribbean fan said pretty eyes pirate smile yeah the fuck is a pirate smile what's a real estate novelist Guys, pirate smile. Yeah. The fuck is a pirate smile? What's a real estate novelist? Remember, we're on to Billy Joel.

Honestly, what is a real estate novelist? Yeah, what is a real estate novelist? It's insanity. That's what it is. I mean, I guess that would be a pretty good novel about a realtor, maybe a realtor who, uh, seduces potential buyers and they have sex in the house. That's pretty good.

I'm sure that's what Billy Joel was thinking while he was swerving between trees out in, uh, the East end of long Island. I was, uh, I went to an open house one time, coming back from the beach and playing paddle tennis. And Billy Joel drove right through the living room.

And I had to take a shit, so I went to the open house and I went upstairs and I took a shit. I flushed. Yeah. I flushed. You need credit for that? The problem is I flushed the toilet. I went in the tub.

All right, Chris is writing something here. Real estate, the slowest typer. Paul is a real estate novelist, refers to a real estate agent named Paul who would sit at the bar each night working on what he believed would be the next great American novel. All right, Chris, context.

Who said that? Why is it? Who quoted it? All right. Well, I do know Paul was sitting next to Davey, who was in the Navy. Mm-hmm. Right. And he'll probably be in the Navy for life. And Gary Torch, who's in the Air Force.

How about this? This guy says, Michael Smith says, Mike can't handle Rick Rubin being alt-right. How does he feel about Bowie banging 14-year-olds? Does he still love the music? How do I feel about wild subject changes? You're fun to have a conversation with. What does that have to do with the other thing?

Also, this is why I said I would. First of all, it's not that I can't handle. I'd be very surprised because someone who has produced a lot of the artists that I've seen him produce, like especially Public Enemy, I find it very hard. Now, I am putting out there to this guy and anyone. I don't think Rick Rubin is far right. I went up and I searched that and looked like crazy. It was about a he's tweeted twice, I guess, in his life. And the second retweet was by someone who's provocative and right leaning or or like supportive of Trump or whatever it is. And then like he deleted it or whatever. But just from that, but his political views are famously private.

And he may not even have them. But I just think I just think someone who's produced the artist he has, I would be very surprised if he was a supporter of Trump. I still would be. Someone proved to me that Rubin supported Trump. Well, I just texted our friend, a friend of ours. I'm not going to say who it is, but he recently had dinner with Rick Rubin and he told me something to that effect.

So I just texted him. So we'll hopefully get an answer by the end of the podcast. I think he's an incredibly open-minded guy and I bet he doesn't just, you know, get in step with a party line. I probably is an individual thinker on things. But all he wrote was maybe.

I'm telling you, at least I didn't spend too much time on it, but I did try to look it up. Okay. I'll tell you what it says. And that's all, folks. Obituaries, Dusty Hill, born in 1949. He was ZZ Top's bassist, joined in 1969 after they signed a record contract. Their first big hit, La Grange, holy fucking shit, one of the greatest songs ever.

If you want to feel cool like a badass, you put on ZZ Top in your car. You roll the window down, you put your elbow out, you drive slow. You steer the wheel with the inside of your wrist. elbow out you drive slow you steer the wheel with the inside of your wrist then there was hits like tush i thank you cheap sunglasses um so hill and uh lead guitarist billy gibbons both wore long beard sunglasses and hats on stage hill also sang backups and leads sung, I don't know he sang leads. He sang leads on Tush, Bad Girl, Hi-Fi Mama. What's amazing is they were big in 1969, and then in the 80s, they incorporated synthesizers, and they suddenly started having more hits

with songs like Legs, Gimme All Your Lovin', Sharp Dressed Man, Sleeping Bag. I don't know Sleeping Bag. In the 80s, they All Your Lovin', Sharp Dressed Man, Sleeping Bag. I don't know Sleeping Bag. In the 80s, they were popular on MTV. See? Right. Got into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2004, and they remained together for 50 years.

I think I read they might be like the longest consecutively touring band in history with the same members. Ah. Okay, we got some reply from our friend on Rick Rubin. consecutively touring band in history with the same members. Okay, we got some reply from our friend on Rick Rubin. He's a libertarian, and I think he had a leaning toward Trump, but frankly, at the point the conversation came up, I was a little bit tanked, and I can't remember exactly, so don't quote me. This was at blank blank's house, and all the other people there were Trump supporters. But I'm not supposed to talk about what happened there because I gave them an oral non-disclosure agreement.

Never discuss what happened at those two dinners. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I'm still not convinced. OK. I don't think he's political at all. Okay. I don't think he's political at all. He's so zen, and I use that word very literally,

that I think he's on to bigger issues about existence, not one country's, not this weird country that has one political system called capitalism. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. We always cheer up after the obituaries with a little thing we call the Sunday Funnies.

Okay. No, we really don't, do we? We get angry. No, we don't cheer up. Well, I'll tell you what cheers me up is these goddamn Lockhorns. Do they? Let's do it. Well, Leroy hates, hates his wife, and she hates him.

He loves his money. That's Bernie Taupin, sorry. So, let's see. She's filling out the bills and she says to him, why aren't we ever on a roll that isn't going downhill? And another one,

they're coming on a dock and they've just come from fishing. He's got this little tiny shit fish in his hand. She's got a scarf on her head and she looks angry. And Leroy is saying to this guy next to them, I know they were biting farther out, but my wife wouldn't row that far. Fucking hates her guts. By the way, getting back to the downhill,

that's an interesting, that's a confusing phrase sometimes, right? Like if I said to you, come on, come on, like you're tired. And I'm like, come on, it's all downhill. The rest of the way is downhill. I feel the same way. Is uphill good or is uphill bad? It's an uphill battle, but you certainly want to be going up. I think what we've learned is either direction, life is hard.

Yes. It's either going downhill or it's an uphill battle. Now we sound like a bad Seinfeld routine. Okay. Let's get to some family circus. Oh, geez. Well, boy, it's really going to go downhill and uphill now. Okay, these two redheads, the daughter who looks significantly fatter than the fat boy and bigger and older,

is pointing at his mismatched socks and her pie hole is open. So she is saying to him, your socks don't rhyme end of sentence that hurts so uh like i don't know is he writing is he writing the comic strip for children that age? Because it's... No, they wouldn't get that. Would it excuse him if he was directing his comedy to children between the ages of 5 and 11? I guess if his goal was confusing children who understand the English language,

then mission accomplished. Then maybe we give them an out. Right. But even a child who's reading this in the waiting room of a pediatrician's office or something would be like, what? Yeah. Your socks don't rhyme? Yeah. Do you have a coloring book, sir?

Your socks don't natch, catch, maybe something misspoken because the child at least knows match is the operative word. But yeah. Rhyme. I guess it's kind of in the go together family. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But even if they rhyme, that means they're not the same word. None of this works for me. None of this works for me.

Now, his socks don't rhyme. His fucking cartoon doesn't rhyme. I have an idea. Can I give Jeff Keen a free idea? Yeah. Don't draw any more pictures. You don't need to draw any more pictures. This is this is real advice, not like, you any more pictures. And this is, this is real advice. Not like, you know, quit. That would be, you know, kind of funny advice. Um, don't draw any more pictures. These all deserve more time and another shot, not your low hanging fruit. First impulse. This isn't even fruit. So you can't even call this low hanging fruit. This bears nothing that that is of substance. So like take another shot at this one. Do it in four years. Yeah.

You have a backlog of pictures that deserve a wittier attempt. Let it marinate a little bit. Throw some other ideas at it. Take a yellow legal pad and just vomit out punchlines. Just keep writing. What did he call it in that video? He called them... I don't know. I don't remember. I did watch it. Not bits. He had a phrase for his punchlines. I forget what he called them. Gags? Gags, yeah. I think, yeah. Just spitball a lot of gags. And you know what?

Call someone else in the room. Run it by them. Bounce it off a few people. See what they think. Because nobody thinks your socks don't rhyme is appropriate to be syndicated in thousands of papers and make you millions of dollars. And another rule, kind of like your productivity strategies, you're not allowed to spend less than 30 seconds on it. How about that one? Is that the under over?

30 seconds? Go over. See what happens. See what happens if you stick with it. Right. And try to make it to 31 seconds before you just have shit out and accepted what was on the page. The drivel. Speaking of drivel, holy shit.

A very sexy blondie this week. They are at the beach, the whole family. That's speaking of drivel. Yeah. Dagwood walks up and now his two kids, his daughter, who's, I feel a little bit perverted saying this, but she's got a great rack solid set of legs cute feet for a drawing for a drawing and uh she's sitting there with the with the uh son i almost don't want to read the comic strip because it's more that they're at the beach

and they're all in their bathing suits dagwood comes in with an actually surprisingly good body considering he does nothing. Aren't you going swimming? Son says can't. They're both looking at iPads. Daughter goes, we have to post pics. Dagwood said, kids today sure work hard on vacation. And now Blondie has an iPad, and she's got a giant photo of Dagwood's feet on it. And she goes, honey, point your toes.

It'll make a funny picture. Meanwhile, she's the fucking star. She's the only one you cannot see in the bathing suit. And it is such a tease. She's right there. And it's a fucking terrible picture of her. It's like a profile shot. That profile is the worst thing I've ever seen.

It doesn't look like her at all. It's terrible. Yeah. She's got a profile is the worst thing i've ever seen it doesn't look like her at all it's terrible yeah she's got a cool bucket hat on but why am i looking at dagwood's feet her feet are right there just he panned out he did draw i mean that's a very the most colorful thing in that photo is her right boob which he put in the bottom of the frame there yeah that's all he gave me all he gave me this week was a right bikini top boob is uh is popping up in the bottom of the frame there. Yeah, that's all he gave me. All he gave me this week was a right boob. A right bikini top boob is popping up from the bottom of the frame. And ruined by a close-up of Dagwood's feet. There's another hottie in a bikini on the first frame in the background.

Oh, I didn't see her. There we go. Hey, now. You were too busy looking at a daughter. God. You perv. I am't see her. There we go. Hey, now. You were too busy looking at a daughter. God. You perv. I am a perv. All right.

Well, listen. I've run out of steam. I've run out of steam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did two hours. It's almost two hours. But remember, folks, the podcast relies on our advertisers, which rely on you to get involved. So if you're thinking about taking care of your hair loss,

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It's a great gift. All right. And that'll do it. So we want to thank Midcoast Media, Chris Denman, Beth Hoops, Key, all the people that help us out over there every week. Thank you. What else we got? Mike, anything you want to plug? We were going to talk about Eric Clapton.

He historically has said not cool things. And he was in the news. I wonder if his tune is changing because he was very big. He stated he refuses to play any concert where there is a vaccine mandate. So we'll see how that evolves because everything is heading that way now. That you're going to have a vax card in order to get in somewhere, like an ID? Well, like why wouldn't you go to a restaurant that...

Well, the comedy store requires it. As of Friday, you can't get into the comedy store without being vaxed. Kind of like you go to a non-smoking restaurant. Wouldn't that be a draw for you who believes in the vaccine? Like you would like to go to a restaurant where everyone's vaccinated? Yeah, sure. Same here.

But by the way, it has nothing to do with immunity. It's just I don't want to eat around idiots. Yeah. What? I'm kidding. But yeah, so I think that just from a business sense, I think it's going to pop up a lot. And I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm waiting for insurance companies to say, bold move. You're taking a chance, but that's going to be your chance by not getting the vaccine.

We're no longer partners on that. If you get cancer, we're right there by you. We're right there by your side. on that. If you get cancer, we're right there by you. We're right there by your side. But if you get a preventable illness where it's on you, I like that. We're also like if you go hang gliding in Costa Rica,

probably it's extreme sport. We're not going to insure you if you do that either. Also, don't forget I was on Joe Rogan Experience a couple days ago if you want to go listen to that, that was fun. How long did you do? Three hours. We talked about Sunday papers a bit. Wow.

Gave it a little plug. Okay, then. Yeah. Did you tell him I saw him in Vegas? I did. Yeah. No, really? Yeah, I did. Not that you would know because you don't listen to my appearances on other podcasts well I get jealous yeah I'm sure listen we're at an hour and 50 uh like four minutes let's let's

add another another hour let's do three just so I'm not jealous can you imagine Jesus I don't know how you did it three down there it's so I don't know why it just it three down there I don't know why because he talks a lot he's pretty amazing he doesn't run out of shit to say and it's not prepared he doesn't have a sheet of paper the guy can fucking talk at length

and in depth on so many topics he learns a lot he's a fascinating guest. Yeah. How, uh, what's the setup? Where did you go?

Are you allowed to talk about it? Yeah. He flew me into Austin and we, uh, stayed in a hotel for two nights and I did a standup show with him and I did kill Tony while I was there, which is, uh,

Tony Henshcliff's podcast. Of course. Went out to dinner is a grand opening of this fancy restaurant. We all went out to. And it was great. We just had a fucking blast. It was hot as shit. Austin is crazy hot right now. Yeah. But I dig it. It's a seedy town. I mean, it's like Venice Beach. There's a very aggressive homeless situation going on there. And I saw an altercation between a cop and some homeless people with a taser gun. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was pretty intense. But I plan on going there pretty regularly, though.

Yeah, I was thinking of going down with you maybe to that opening. You saw Adam E. get there as well. Adam E. gets doing good. He's a manager from the store, formerly. He's going to be managing Rogan's. When does that open? Club. I don't know.

I don't know if they have an exact date. Couple of months, few months, whatever. Fall, though, is when they're trying. I think so. Yeah. And then where is where do you sit down and talk to Rogan? He has a studio and a nondescript area. And it's a huge studio.

And the room looks the same pretty much. He's recreated the same kind of dimensions as his other studio. Same chairs, same uncomfortable chairs. And did they ask you if you were vaccinated or test you? They tested me. They do test you? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And they have a lot of security, good guys. It felt the same, you know, same setup. Nice. Yeah. So anyway, all right. Well, listen, we'll catch you guys next week. Mike, I'll see you on the golf course in an hour and 45 minutes.

Get ready. I'm bringing my B game. Let's do it. All righty. Take it, Aish. Take it, Aish. I went so long without it Now I want to read all about it

We've only reached corrections Suddenly I have an erection Fucked at a family circus Jeff King is a jerk-off The guys, they keep it honest When will Mike come out of the closet? Sunday papers Sunday papers Thank you. you